#Although is it not worrying a lot of people can't read the text because is it badly done or are more young ppl unable to read old texts

[quillandrapier]

Quite nice that I'm not the only one struggling to read the "handwritten" parts of the ghosts book

Except it kinda sucks because it means I'm missing a lot of content

[neptuneiris]

could you pretend to be in love? (09/10)

The Consequences

pairing: modern!aemond × fem!reader (fake dating)

summary: things get complicated, you and Aemond's relationship ends and despite finding solutions, nothing can repair the damage to your ruined future.

word count: 8.3k

previous part • series masterlist

fortunately it didn't take me as long as last time and finally here it is hehe🙏😚

I really hope you like it a lot and remember that we're not far from the end, so I'm looking forward to your comments with your opinions. thank you very much for reading beautiful people!❤

You want to believe it's all a misunderstanding.

You couldn't sleep all night. Anxiety and worry consumed you like never before, waiting and checking your mail every moment hoping to see if anything would arrive, but nothing.

Your whole night was summed up in thinking about possible catastrophic scenarios, although they were not possible after all, since that is what is really going to happen because at this point there is nothing you can do because the college applications have already passed.

That's why you checked your email every moment, almost on the verge of tears, thinking about what the fuck you're going to do, how you're going to go to college and why Aemond didn't keep his end of the deal.

There was the urge to text him and even call him in all your desperation and confusion, ask him what happened, but you decided to wait until the next morning to ask him in person to get clear answers.

And that's what you're going to do now.

You don't even know if you are right but there is no other explanation when things are too clear. And you can't help but feel the pain of betrayal burning in your chest, with the anxiety consuming you and the need.

You finally arrive at the school, where without thinking of absolutely nothing, you start searching for Aemond through all the hallways, with determination and rage mixed inside you.

Your eyes frantically search through all the students as you walk quickly and make your way through them all, ignoring their stares at you as you don't care at the moment, you have a goal in mind.

And along with that goal and what you have to do now, still your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts, each one more painful and confusing than the last.

After all the moments you both spent together, both real and pretend, every laugh, every gesture, every kiss, it all seemed so real and so genuine.

But now… it all felt like a cruel illusion.

And to have to accompany it all with this, it's just unbelievable.

You finally see him in the distance, it's not hard to make out his distinctive silver hair, with his figure walking towards the doors leading to the huge backyard of the school, talking to some friends.

Anger and sadness intensify as you see him looking so calm, as if nothing is going on, made worse by the fact that he won't try to contact you either to let you know anything about the university, or even give you the news himself, anything.

You clench your fists and muster up all your courage before reaching for him, feeling completely hopeless.

“Aemond,” you call out to him, your voice tense and cutting.

He turns to you at the call of your voice, his expression changing from surprise to slight concern in an instant. His friends continue walking and he remains standing, as you walk towards him.

And you don't even give him time to speak, as you immediately raise your phone, showing him the college's Facebook ad on the screen.

“What is this?” you ask him, demanding explanations, confusion and pain reflecting in your eyes.

You feel your voice tremble, but you stand your ground, holding his gaze with a determination that belies your vulnerability.

He watches the screen and you see the worry spread further across his face, followed by a nervousness that runs through him from head to toe. He opens his mouth to speak, but the words seem caught in his throat.

“I'm sorry,” he says in a barely audible whisper, leaning toward you and with sorrow in his gaze, ”I-I didn't want you to find out like this.”

The knot in your stomach tightens even tighter as the worry and anxiety intensifies, watching him without understanding.

“And what does that mean?”

He looks to all sides, noticing the number of students surrounding you who begin to watch you both curiously, whispering amongst themselves.

“Come,” he says softly as he places a firm but careful hand on your shoulder and guides you into one of the empty classrooms, away from the stares.

You don't argue with him because you don't want to draw attention to yourself either, but as soon as he closes the door behind you, you feel the pressure in your chest intensify and you immediately turn to him, the need for answers burning inside you.

“You didn't talk to your grandsire or your sister?” you ask, your voice trembling between anger and the anxiety you're trying to contain.

He looks down for a moment, swallowing hard. His silence hangs heavy in the air before he looks up at you, his eyes showing a mixture of weariness and regret.

“Yes, with my grandsire,” he states to you, "But I'm still working on it," he confesses with his tone infused with a sincerity that hurts you more than you expected.

You feel your breath catch and you watch him in shock, with your lips parted and hopelessness all over your gaze, trying to process what he just said. The hopelessness is reflected in your gaze, and your eyes fill with tears of frustration that you struggle to hold back.

“What?” you manage to say, your voice cracking in disbelief.

He takes a step toward you, his eye fixed on yours as he tries to remain calm, though you can see the tension in the way his hands move, as if he's searching the air for the right words.

“Listen,” he begins, your tone softer and almost pleading, ”It's not entirely true that the whole admissions process is over. There are still… possibilities,” he says nervous, ”And I promise you that I've already sent all your documents to my grandsire. I just need a little more time to be able to convince him, and I will, I swear.”

He tries to convince you, observing you completely honest and sincere in what he is saying, but you no longer believe in him.

His words are like a desperate attempt to calm you down, to reassure you that everything will be okay. But distrust grows inside you with a sharp pain that spreads throughout your chest.

You watch him, looking for some sign to give you hope, some spark of certainty you can cling to. But all you see is uncertainty and nervousness, insecurity, because even he doesn't know if he will get you in.

You think about the announcement, how the university has already sent out all the emails, both acceptance and rejection. Then reality hits you like a slap in the face, and suddenly you understand.

“You… you got in?” you ask in a breathy whisper, though deep down you already know the answer.

He doesn't answer you right away, as instead of words, all you get is his look, a mixture of pity and embarrassment that only confirms it.

“Yes but you'll get in Y/N too,” he quickly insists, his voice desperate to convince you, ” You don't need to worry about anything.”

How easy it is to talk when he is the one who certainly should not worry about his future.

And finally the tears find their way, unable to control them any longer. You press your lips together tightly, trying to keep your composure, but the pain and frustration are too intense.

Aemond stirs restlessly, hating to see you cry. His hands tense, wanting to reach out and be able to hug you, but he restrains himself and watches you with concern.

“Y/N—

“ You don't even know if you'll be able to get me in too,” you interrupt him in a cold and distant voice, laden with bitterness with the feeling of betrayal and disappointment in your chest, “I trusted you, that's why I didn't apply to other colleges,” you look at him hurt and annoyed, “Now what am I supposed to do? The time for applications has already passed. I can't apply anywhere else because this, your promise, should have been settled long ago.”

Your words echo in the air, and the reality of the situation settles between the two of you like a barrier. He is affected by your words and falls silent, not knowing how to respond.

Worst of all, you know that he really wanted to help you, that his intentions were sincere, that's what you really want to think in the midst of all this.

But did he really want to help you in the first place?

If that was really his intention, then you wouldn't be in this position right now, in this situation that should never have been allowed. And you also remember Floris.

The tension is palpable and you feel the lump in your throat tighten even more and you look at him with pain.

“You used me,” you say with your voice cracking and barely above a whisper.

He shakes his head, his gaze full of despair.

“No, it wasn't like that,” he tries to correct with his pleading tone as he takes a step closer to you, “That was never my intention Y/N, you know that.”

You pull away from him, increasing the distance between the two of you, tears gathering more in your eyes and this time you make no effort to hold them back.

“I know because of what happened with Floris,” you say bitterly, ”And the worst thing is that I did like you.”

Your words leave him speechless for a moment, his expression marked by a mixture of regret and pain. He reaches out a hand toward you, as if to touch you, to comfort you, but you abruptly pull away.

“Y/N, please let me explain—

“There's nothing to explain,” you cut him off, unable to bear to listen to him any longer.

You feel something inside you crack and he seems to notice your change, to which he doesn't know what to do.

He tells you something else but you no longer listen. The broken promises, the destroyed trust, it all piles up on your shoulders, making you feel smaller and lonelier than you ever felt before.

The pain on his face is evident and when you finally decide to walk away, Aemond tries to stop you, tries to remedy the situation, but you don't even hear him anymore, you don't even see him, it's as if he is suddenly invisible and you leave him behind with pain and bitterness branded on your chest.

All because you realize that he, his promises, his words, were never worth it. And now you're paying the consequences of your future ruined by an absurd contract you should never have accepted in the first place.

You feel as if the world has fallen on top of you.

All the way home, you feel a mixture of intense emotions overflowing and the only way you can get them off your chest is to cry.

You are thankful that your father is still at work or else you would have had no idea how to explain your visibly pitiful state to him. Besides you don't even have the courage to really tell him what's going on.

But all is probably not lost.

Anxiety, despair and frustration wash over you as you sit in front of your laptop. But it also invades you and you cling to hope. You want, desire and yearn to find a solution, one last chance to not lose an academic year, so you open the browser.

Your fingers move quickly over the keyboard, as you search the admissions pages of other universities.

You visit one after another, hoping to find one that is still accepting applications, one that might have a deadline extension. But as you read and watch, that hope fades.

The words ‘admission perido has ended’ are repeated over and over again on every page you visit.

You try a small college in another city, then the only two available in your own city, but in all the answers are the same. Time has run out. The deadline has passed and there is no way to reverse it.

Frustrated, you hold your hands to your head, feeling the despair and anxiety growing inside you. And unable to help it, tears well up in your eyes and finally the situation crushes you.

With a loud sob escaping your lips, you collapse in your chair, feeling completely helpless, hopeless and like a fool.

You don't understand how you couldn't take precautions, have a backup plan B in case Aemond's plan failed, apply to even the city's public university, but none of that crossed your mind at all.

How are you going to explain this to your father? That you didn't apply to other colleges because you trusted a guy's word to get into Citadel in exchange for making his ex-girlfriend jealous?

Even the situation, thinking about what you were doing all that time instead of applying to other colleges makes you frustrated and angry at yourself for being such a fool.

And yet, you still hold on.

The next morning, your spirits still low, you head to the office of the school's coordinator, Mrs. Turner, with this last spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe, you can find some way to resolve this with her help.

Mrs. Turner greets you with a friendly smile, though her face reflects some concern when she sees the expression on your face clearly tired from lack of sleep and swollen from all the crying you've done.

“Miss Y/N, what's wrong? Is everything all right?” he asks you, inviting you to sit down.

You waste no time and explain the situation to her. You decide to omit certain details, especially everything to do with Aemond and his promise. Instead, you opt to say that, due to a family problem, you missed the date for applying to colleges.

“Well, I understand that some universities do a second round of application, but you're mostly private universities in the city.”

“Only private here in the city?” you ask nervously and with a slight illusion.

“Yes,” he nods at you, “Maybe you could make an application for a scholarship.”

You bite your lip, feeling the frustration begin to take hold of you again and the illusion disappears.

You know that, while a scholarship might help you cover some of the costs, it won't be enough. You will only be offered a partial scholarship, and even then, the costs of a private university would be unaffordable for you and your father.

With the scholarship you had applied for at Citadel, you would have had most of your expenses covered, as long as you maintained a good grade point average. But you were rejected.

“No, I-I… I can't afford private college,” you admit as you look at her in desperation, ”Are you sure there's nothing you can do at the public university? Maybe send in a special request or something?”

She looks at you with some pity and disappointment.

“I'm sorry Y/N, but I'm afraid that's not the way things work,” she tells you in a soft voice, “Unfortunately, at most universities, once the admissions deadlines have closed, there's nothing we can do.”

You're not even surprised because you were definitely expecting something like this. Nor do you feel anything, just…emptiness and bitterness.

Mrs. Turner maintains her compassionate look as she continues to speak, trying to soften the impact of the situation on you.

“Y/N, I know this may seem discouraging, but I want you to know that all is not lost. Losing a year before entering college is not the end of the world,” she says in a reassuring tone, ”You can use this time to get a job, gain experience, and prepare an even stronger application for the next cycle. There's no rush, and many people find that taking a year off allows them to better focus on what they really want.”

But you know what you really want.

You want to study law, have a professional career, graduate and work at something you really like where you earn enough money to help your dad, give him a better life. That's what you want.

But you ruined it all by agreeing to a dumb contract, by believing his words and by not backing yourself.

You know her words are meant to calm you down, to offer you a positive outlook in the midst of the storm of emotions flooding through you. But, at this moment, these words offer you no comfort.

All you can think about is how your plan, your future, has crumbled in front of you.

You nod slowly, not wanting to seem rude or ungrateful for his attempt to help you. But inside, you feel misunderstood. You know Mrs. Turner only wants to help you, but the despair and fear of the future you now face keep you from seeing the bright side.

“Thank you, Mrs. Turner,” you say with an effort to keep your voice steady, ”I appreciate your advice.”

She gives you a warm, though still concerned, smile as you rise from your chair.

“If you need to talk more, or if there's anything I can help you with, feel free to come see me, okay?”

You nod once more, thanking her for her kindness and time before leaving the office.

Once outside, the hustle and bustle of students filling the halls of the school envelop you and you quickly make your way to your locker.

You open the door with automatic movements, barely aware of what you are doing as your thoughts invade you. With trembling hands, you put away the books and notebooks you won't need for the next few classes.

As you go through the motions, the pain and frustration begin to build. And when you least expect it, tears begin to slide down your cheeks silently.

You try to control yourself, pursing your lips and wiping your cheeks, but your emotions are too intense to be repressed. When suddenly, laughter reaches your ears.

You watch out of the corner of your eye and see Alys and her friends walking almost in front of you with mocking voices and laughter, full of undisguised contempt.

You have an idea what specifically amuses them about you, you know they must have sent you that picture of Aemond and Floris, but you also feel their laughter as a cruel mockery of your already desperate situation.

Still you can't help but feel embarrassed and angrily wipe away your tears with a sharp gesture.

Rage runs through your whole body, for everything. And your tears, though stopped for the moment, still threaten to return. You hurry to put everything away and slam the door shut to finally walk away.

You walk quickly down the hallway, wanting to get away from all the people, when as you turn down a corridor, you come face to face with Aemond, Aegon and his friends.

The impact is almost physical, but both you and they stop abruptly to avoid the blow. And as soon as you realize who you have in front of you, you freeze for an instant.

Just when your day couldn't get any worse.

Aemond, with his silver hair and imposing figure, is the first to notice you. His expression instantly changes from surprise to concern as he sees the traces of tears on your face.

And although he doesn't say anything right away, his gaze is intense, full of worry and guilt.

The tension in the air becomes palpable, because both you and he have no idea what to do, what to say or how to react. But you, feeling the pressure of the stares, feel trapped and instantly have the urge to walk away.

But first, Aemond takes a step towards you, trying to close the distance between the two of you and your eyes meet his, charged with a mixture of desperation and hope.

“Y/N,” he calls your name.

And before he can say anything else, you don't let him and quickly move away.

Desperation drives you to dodge him, also the fact that you can't stand to be in his presence, which you do but Aemond reacts immediately and follows you.

He calls your name with an urgency that makes his voice echo down the hallway, leaving his brother and his friends behind.

“Y/N, please stop, he needed to talk to you,” he urges you.

His hand reaches out to yours in an attempt to stop you but you continue walking quickly.

Maybe it's the look you both have or it's the unusual attitude you're both having around each other that starts to get people's attention. But you don't care since all you want at that precise moment is to get away from him.

“Please, Y/N.”

And then his hand takes yours, stopping you and you turn to him, your face flushed with tears and anger inside you.

“Let go of me,” you tell him in warning in a cold, cutting voice, ”I won't tell you again.”

The scene definitely draws more attention and some students begin to murmur and watch you both very intently, but the whole whirlwind of emotions makes you lose sight of the awkwardness of the situation.

You really don't want to deal with Aemond right now. In fact you don't even want to have anything to do with him anymore.

And Aemond seeing that, your attitude and coldness, the fact that you can't even stand to see him and the fact that you are being terribly honest, hurts him, really hurts him with a sharp pain in his chest, but he insists.

“Please, just for a few minutes. I need to explain—

Completely losing patience, showing the intensity of your pain and frustration, you release yourself from his grip in a sudden movement that draws more attention from the students and the situation becomes an unwanted show.

“Leave me alone,” you warn him through your teeth before turning and walking away with quick steps.

And thankfully he doesn't try to stop you again.

Everyone is looking at you and everyone is looking at Aemond as well, but you quickly find refuge away from all the stares, taking no notice.

However, you should have expected that little show to go around like plague throughout the school accompanied with the new rumor that Aemond Targaryen and his previously invisible girlfriend have broken up.

And honestly… you didn't even care.

To this point, technically he and you have ended whatever the two of you had, so you don't care to either affirm or deny it, you just don't make a big deal out of it and let people believe what they want.

Besides, how could you care when there are certainly more important things like thinking about your now ruined future?

News you have the confidence to share with Alysanne after all the drama involving you and Aemond, since you two are all anyone talks about in the entire school.

“That fucking idiot,” Alysanne mutters in disbelief, "Just when I thought what he did with Floris was so low but this… I mean, are you kidding me?" she stares at Cregan, incredulous, ”This is so much worse.”

You let out a long breath and bring a hand to your forehead as you close your eyes and simply let your body try to relax. It's uncomfortable because of the hard metal beneath you as you lie on the bleachers but you still try.

“But he said he would try to fix it, didn't he?” asks Cregan in a cautious tone.

“And you believe him?” reproaches Alysanne incredulously, "I wouldn't and Y/N shouldn't either," she observes you, ”He had all this time to do something about it, even to be honest with you and tell you ahead of time that he wasn't going to succeed in helping you. Then you would have had a chance to apply to other colleges but no, he preferred to stay silent and enjoy the acting and all that it provoked in his stupid ex-girlfriends.”

And put like that… everything that happened sounds so much worse.

But you know she's right.

While the whole school is whispering about your ‘breakup’ with him, you can't help but feel that there are much more important things at stake, things that Aemond never understood or tried to understand.

And Alysanne seeing your expression and you basically not reacting because you're thinking about the future and how incredibly fucked up you must feel, lets out a long breath and moves a little closer towards you.

“I know it's a stupid question but are you okay?” she asks you in a warm and concerned tone.

You let out a sigh and take a moment before answering, not watching them and not taking your hand off your forehead.

“I don't know what to do,” you say in a low, emotionless tone.

Alysanne grimaces and looks at Cregan who also returns the same expression; they don't know what to do to make you feel better and relieve that huge weight you're carrying.

College is a big deal, both of them would also feel the same way if they were in your place, that's a fact. But by the same token they are not in your situation, they don't know what to do to cheer you up because, what could they possibly do to even help you? Nothing.

“I'm just thinking about how I'm going to tell my dad.”

You confess finally, withdrawing your hand from your forehead and fixing your eyes on the gray sky above you.

“I'll have to lie to him, tell him I applied but all the colleges rejected me,” you say regretfully, “Now I'm just left to look for a job and do that until I can apply next year.”

Alysanne and Cregan exchange a look.

“It's not a bad plan,” she tells you, trying to cheer you up, “In fact, a lot of people of our age don't go to college after graduation and do exactly that, get a job and apply until the next year or until they're sure of what they want to study.”

“Yeah,” Cregan agrees, "Besides, my family has several businesses in town, I could help you get a job at one of them.”

You can't help but place a small smile on your lips, seeing the willingness of both of them in wanting to support you, however, they can see the sadness all over your face and the discouragement you feel.

“Thanks guys, I really appreciate it,” you say genuinely, "And I know it's not a bad plan but…" you sigh, feeling the frustration and sadness swirl in your chest, ”I know my dad, and I know that, when I tell him that I wasn't accepted, he'll be supportive… but I also know that he'll be very disappointed.”

That's what weighs on you the most, far more than anything else, going over the whole Aemond thing and also over you, your dad.

He has sacrificed so much for you, working long hours at a job that doesn't give him what he truly deserves. He earns enough to support you and the house, he has always made sure you both have what you need; food on the table, clothes and basic comforts.

But he never buys anything for himself and his own dreams have always taken a back seat. All so he can give you a chance to do something else, have a better life and now…you feel like you've failed him.

Cregan and Alysanne watch you silently, their faces reflecting the gravity of your words. They know there is nothing they can say that will truly ease your pain, but you know they are both here, offering you their support.

“Well, I don't know your dad but still, he's your dad and he loves you,” Alysanne tells you in a warm tone, ”He knows you better than anyone and I'm sure all he'll want is for you to be okay.”

“And I'm sure he's seen how you've tried your best and you can't take the blame for something that was out of your hands.”

You understand what they both mean and you also ponder your dad's attitude in your mind briefly, but still, you can't help but place a small bitter smile.

“Actually it was my fault because it was my decision to trust Aemond, instead of making sure I had other options to prevent exactly this,” you say without emotion, “And I also feel that… not only it hurts me to have to tell my dad, but also to feel this disappointment,” you explain, “I really believed that I would go to Citadel and that my life was going to follow that path I had planned for a long time. But now… I feel like that dream has been taken away from me again.”

Alysanne looks at you sadly, understanding the weight of your words and she along with Cregan, no longer have any idea what to say to you. And you notice this, so you watch both of them trying to keep a genuine smile on your lips.

“You know? I really appreciate you both being here for me… I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you guys to talk to,” you tell them sincerely, ”But I think it needed some time alone.”

Alysanne looks at you uncertainly.

“Are you sure? You know I don't mind, I can skip the next class to stay with you.”

“No, no, don't worry,” you hasten to say.

“I can stay too,” Cregan adds, shrugging.

“No guys, I don't want you to miss class for me, really,” you look at them sincerely, "I'll be fine, I just…" you let out a sigh, ”I need time alone.”

They both exchange a look and Cregan is the one who stands up first, stretching his arms out before looking at you with a mixture of understanding and concern.

“Fine but if you need anything, tell us,” he tells you with a soft voice and a warm gaze.

You nod in his direction.

“Yes, thank you,” you reply as you return a small smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes.

Alysanne lingers a little longer, watching you with the same intensity as always, as if she wants to make sure you really will be okay before she leaves.

“I'll keep an eye out on you, okay?”

“Okay,” you tell her, feeling that simple gesture of support fill you with a strange mixture of relief and sadness.

She nods, smiling a little before walking away along with Cregan, leaving you alone on the bleachers.

And you stand there, thinking about everything and yet nothing, where you allow yourself to let out a long, heavy sigh. You look up at the sky, allowing thoughts to flow unrestricted.

The faint sounds around you envelop you, such as the soccer team boys training on the field and the entire cheerleading squad, as well as the faint, comforting sound of the leaves moving from the big trees along with the birds singing.

And even though you don't want to feel bad, the pain, the disappointment and the uncertainty about what will come next, it all hits you again in an unavoidable way.

And it all blends together in an emotional whirlwind that leaves you exhausted.

Time seems to stand still as you stand there, lost in thought. And you barely notice when someone approaches, as the sound of approaching footsteps barely registers in your consciousness.

And because you are absorbed in your thoughts, you only come out of your trance the moment a soft voice right next to you breaks the silence in your space.

“Hi Y/N.”

You raise your head almost immediately, definitely not expecting that and suddenly you see Floris standing next to you, watching you with a mixture of insecurity and regret.

You frown and look at her confused, not bothering to hide it, truly not understanding what she's doing here, talking to you.

And receiving no response from you, she looks down uncomfortably for a moment, fiddling with her hands as if searching for the right words before speaking.

And this is the first time you see her like this. You don't spend your time watching and analyzing her either but normally she always comes across as confident and sure of her whole persona, but now… you've never seen her so nervous.

“I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now…” she admits with her voice barely a whisper, sitting down next to you on the bleacher, though she keeps an appropriate distance, ”But I really want to talk to you.”

'Talk?'

You repeat in your mind, still watching her without understanding and unable to help but feel a pang of bitterness at the memory of all that has happened.

The truth is you don't want to talk, you already feel frustrated and tired enough without now having to deal with this and especially with her.

But for some strange reason, you don't say anything, you just watch her, waiting, keeping calm, waiting for her to continue. She seems to hesitate for a moment, but then takes a deep breath, focusing her gaze on the horizon.

“I-I… after what happened in Dragonstone…” she begins to speak cautiously, ”Aemond decided to cut off all communication with me.”

That nonconformity and that little ache in your chest comes up as you hear her name and you too look straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.

“He told me that what happened between us was a mistake and that you never deserved that,” she continues in a soft tone, ”I don't know if that gives you any kind of comfort, but I thought you should know.”

'Comfort?'

You don't know whether to laugh or cry but it's clear that none of this brings you comfort.

And she seems to be struggling with her own emotions, as you see out of the corner of your eye how her hands clench in her lap as if she's trying to control the trembling in them.

“And I'm not telling you this to justify myself, I know what happened at that party was a mistake,” she says emphatically, ”I shouldn't have gotten involved, let alone knowing that you were his girlfriend. That was…” she pauses and lets out a frustrated sigh, ”That was a big mistake on my part. I should have walked away from him the moment I met you, given you your place and respected you, but… I didn't.”

Her words fall heavy in the air and although part of you wants to lash out at her, another part of you feels so drained that you can't even find the energy to argue. Besides it's not just her… it's also Aemond.

“I was the one who was all the time looking for his attention at that party, you know? I was the one who had the intention of kissing him all that time, “she confesses, visibly embarrassed, ”I-I… I don't know, I felt so jealous when I came back and saw him with you. I-I guess I… still had feelings for him.”

You let out a long breath and finally speak bitterly.

“If he was the one who sent you to tell me all this to justify what he did and expect me to forgive him, it's not going to work Floris,” you warn her.

She shakes her head instantly, her eyes full of urgency.

“No, no,” she tells you immediately, ”He didn't send me to tell you anything, he doesn't even talk to me and barely notices me when we're in the same place. There's nothing really between us anymore Y/N,” she insists, ”It all ended when I left.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, not knowing what to say or what to really think, also not having the slightest idea what to do.

Even if all of this were true, everything she's telling you, you don't care anymore. All of this just comes with the part where Aemond didn't deliver what he promised you. All of this is just more accompanying pain, but what does it really matter?

“I'm really sorry about what happened,” she murmurs in your direction after you say nothing, “I know my words won't change anything and I'm not expecting you to forgive me… but I wanted you to know that I'm truly sorry.”

You remain silent, jaw clenched and gaze lowered, with the silence still heavy, dense.

Her words echo in your mind, mingling with everything else you've been carrying. But what are you supposed to feel? Relief? More pain? Or both? You don't know.

And resigned to the fact that she won't find some kind of reaction from you nor will you say anything to her, she lets out a last sigh, accepting your indifference without a problem.

“And I also wanted to tell you that…I know that Alys and her friends were the ones who sent you that picture,” she confesses to you and you feel that sharp pain in your chest again, ”And you don't have to worry about them spreading it all over school. I made sure that doesn't happen.”

The lump in your throat tightens. Though his words seek to offer you some sort of comfort, they do not soothe the wound that has already been inflicted. It doesn't change what happened, nor does it erase the humiliation you felt.

But even so, there is something in her tone, in the sincerity with which she speaks to you, that disarms you a little, if only for an instant.

Finally she stands up, feeling that there is nothing more to say. She throws you one last look, full of regret, before turning and starting to walk away.

And you don't stop her, as you have nothing to say, when suddenly, she stops after only a few steps and this catches your attention, so you look at her in confusion.

Floris, still with her back to you, seems to hesitate for a moment, as if considering whether or not to say what has been on her mind. When finally, he turns to you again, his eyes searching yours with an intensity you didn't expect.

“He really loves you, you know? Aemond.”

For the first time in the entire conversation you hold her gaze.

The sincerity in her eyes strikes you, but it's hard to believe those words after everything that's happened.

“When I came back from the exchange, something changed in him towards me. I don't know, he didn't see me the same way anymore,” she explains, "At first I didn't understand why, but when I met you, I knew," she confesses.

She pauses and seems to hesitate, as if choosing her next words carefully.

“The kiss…that kiss meant nothing to him, I know,” she finally confesses. “I saw him at Dragonstone, I saw how he looked at you… completely in love with you.”

You press your lips together and stare at a specific point, remembering those moments.

“And I also saw you completely in love with him too,” she admits in a soft voice, “I saw how you looked at him, with the same intensity with which he looked at you. And honestly… the two of you looked very happy together.”

This makes you feel exposed in a way you didn't expect, stirring a little in your seat, not knowing how to react.

The images of you and Aemond at Dragonstone, the times you spent together on the yacht, the hot tub, on the beach, in the castle and at the aquarium, when everything was fine and neither of you were faking it and it looked like everything was going to be just fine, all flashes through your mind.

“I saw all that, Y/N,” Floris continues, looking down in shame. “And that's why I accepted his decision to walk away from me. Because even though I didn't want to accept it at the time, I knew that what he felt for you was real. And what you felt for him was too.”

For a moment, you stare at her, not knowing how to respond or what to do, since you didn't expect to hear this either.

And you honestly can't deny the honesty in her words and in that it's probably true what she's saying, but you also can't ignore the pain that still burns inside you.

And so you simply nod slightly, as if you are accepting her confession even though you don't know what to do with it.

Floris looks at you one last time before turning completely around and continuing on her way, leaving you alone with your thoughts and the emotions you've been trying to contain.

You feel a surge of sadness mixed with a strange calm, as if there is nothing left to give. Everything that has happened between you, Aemond and Floris is still a complicated knot to untangle.

Now the silence that follows is heavy, but somehow, it also seems liberating.

Aemond POV.

With a folder in hand containing all the documents he needs and a determination all over his mind and posture, he barely observes all the people around him as he walks quickly through the hallways of the building, heading towards a specific office.

When he reaches the corresponding hallway, he slows his pace, cautiously observing his surroundings, making sure his grandsire is not nearby.

After so long keeping him waiting in the hope that he would do him the favor despite having already told him it would not be possible, he must have known that he will never really help him after all the favors he has done for him.

And that is precisely why Aemond has resorted to such measures.

But if his grandsire sees him here, he will immediately know what he wants to do and will not hesitate to kick him out of the building. That's why he has to be quick as the guards have seen him come in and so have all the people who work here.

And it's hard to go unnoticed when you have silver hair, which implies either that you work here or that you are the son, brother or nephew of the people who run the company.

So he quickly makes his way to the office, where he doesn't even knock on the door before entering, just walks in quickly to avoid being seen.

“Aemond?”

He looks at his sister and lets out a long breath watching her wearily, to walk over and take a seat in front of her.

“I'm sorry, my grandsire can't know I'm here or he'll kick me out,” he explains.

“Why? What happened?” she asks genuinely concerned, stopping what she was doing on her computer.

“Nothing, it's just…” he pauses as she brings a hand to his hair, ruffling it in frustration, ”I need you to do me a favor, Nyra. A big one.”

This gets her full attention and she nods slowly in his direction.

“What do you need?” she says to him with all disposition, watching him intently.

Your face, your words, all the moments that happened, whether good or bad, but most of all your hurt and broken face, the disappointment and how terribly sad you must have felt.

All of that is Aemond's drive to finally make things right and the things he should have done in the first place.

But it is not only that, it is also the fact that you no longer want to have anything to do with him, that you no longer want to be in the same place with him, that you can't stand his presence and that you don't answer any of his messages or calls, wanting to stop having any kind of contact with him.

All of that lets him know exactly how you felt about Floris and also about the fact that he didn't keep his promise.

And now he is willing to do anything, absolutely anything to be able to keep what he promised you. It doesn't matter if you still don't want to have anything to do with him, all he wants is for you to go to the college of your dreams.

But Rhaenyra's face after explaining and asking him for the favor, is exactly what he expected but he will still keep trying.

“You know I can't do something like that, Aemond.”

“You just don't have to say anything to him Rhae, please.”

She shakes her head.

“That's only worse. You know how hard it was for me to get him to agree to let me work here since dad died and I still have to put up with his bad treatment—

“Oh please, we all know it's only a matter of time before you and Daemon also get to run this company in addition to Driftmark and Harrenhal,” he interrupts her seriously, “You'll take my grandsire's job and send him to run only the Oldtown company.”

Rhaenyra remains serious for a moment, pursing her lips.

“It's the right thing to do and you know it. My father left this to me, to us,” she clarifies truthfully, ”And your grandfather took advantage to take it all and leave almost nothing to me.”

He lets out a long breath, bringing a hand to his chin.

“When you've finished your degree, you'll run Oldtown and if you want, we can spread out more locations,” she tells him in a soft tone, “Helaena can also run Highgarden and Aegon and Daeron can also help us if that's what they really want. That's what father wanted and I never once intended to take that away from you, your legacy, as your grandsire told you I would.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he tells her in a soft, sincere tone, understanding what she means.

The fight over the inheritance was always in the family ever since their father became ill. He never showed them love or even that he cared even a little for them, but at least he intended to leave them a large part of his legacy.

Neither he nor his siblings fought with Rhaenyra and Daemon for it, it was only their grandsire, who from the time they were all children put hatred towards them to her.

But eventually, both he and his siblings realized that Rhaenyra had other intentions and everything grandsire said was a lie. Rhaenyra didn't want to steal their legacy, she never did.

And now… they have all developed a strange but pleasant relationship with her. He more than anything has developed a respect, even an affection, for his older sister, because she wasn't the villain they had always been led to believe.

“Our arrangement with Citadel University was made precisely from the company in Oldtown, a company he will run until you have graduated,” she continues, “And if he already refused once to help you with that and finds out that I did, this strange peace I have managed to keep will be over.”

And the worst part is that she's right.

He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling the weight of those words.

If his grandsire finds out that she helped him behind his back, all the progress they've made to maintain family stability will shatter, destroying any chance of avoiding another conflict. And all because of a girl only he knows.

If it were a nephew, cousin or someone closer to the family nucleus, everything would be different. Nepotism is a common currency among wealthy and powerful families, like his, but in your case, you are a complete stranger.

That is precisely the reason why his grandsire refused to offer help him.

And now, Aemond is caught between the desire to repair the damage he caused in you and the fear that his insistence will cause an even greater rift in the family.

“Then I'll do it,” he says with conviction, sure of his words and Rhae looks at him surprised and confused, “Just tell me how I can get her into college. You don't have to get involved, I'll take it all on myself. I'll say I asked you for help and you refused. If anything goes wrong, it will be my responsibility.”

Rhaenyra lets out a long, deep sigh.

“Aemond—

She begins softly, but he interrupts her before she can say more.

“She deserves this,” he says, his voice lower but laden with sincerity. “It wasn't her fault. She did a favor for me on the condition that I would do this one for her. Besides, I've done a lot of things for my grandfather and the company, especially this company, so please Rhae, I really want to do this.”

Rhaenyra watches him for a long moment, her eyes searching for something in his.

The intensity in Aemond's gaze does not waver, for he is willing to take the consequences, to stand up to even his grandsire, if it means giving you a chance to repair the damage he himself caused.

“Even if I have to give up my own place to give it to her, I don't care, I'll do it.”

Rhaenyra blinks slowly, her mind struggling between logic and the desire to help him. Aemond rarely shows regret, and seeing him so willing to sacrifice himself for someone surprises her and reaches her deeply.

And finally, after what seems like an eternity, she sighs.

“What you're asking is a huge risk,” she admits, looking at him with a mixture of seriousness and empathy.

He holds his breath, his body rigid, as she seems to debate internally and he waits for a decision. And then, she turns to her computer, beginning to type, letting out a long breath.

“But don't be silly, I want you to study at Citadel too.”

The relief Aemond feels is almost palpable. A mixture of gratitude and hope takes hold of him, and his shoulders seem to relax for the first time since he entered the office.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, “Truly.”

“Just let me make a phone call and I also need her docu—

She doesn't finish saying the word as he, with a quickness that reflects his urgency, drops the folder with all the necessary papers in front of her on her desk.

Rhaenyra raises an eyebrow, looking at the folder with a mixture of surprise and amusement.

“Sure,” she murmurs and opens the folder, letting out a small laugh, beginning to flip through the documents, making sure everything is in order "Well, this folder is quite complete and the grades are excellent,” she says in acknowledgement, "That's good because it will help us speed up the process."

Aemond allows himself to let out a sigh of relief, watching as Rhaenyra steps in to help him with this favor. And as she begins to make calls and coordinate the necessary details, he remains attentive throughout, beginning to feel more relieved than ever.

He knows this won't exactly make you forgive him, but at the very least, he's fixing the damage he's done to you so he can give you the opportunity you deserve.

general taglist:

@melsunshine @at-a-rax-ia @jxdegodfrey @ttkttt @yentroucnagol @kate-to-the-ki @iamavailablesstuff @bluerskiees @urmomsgirlfriend1 @toodlesxcuddles @rosie-posie08 @iloveallmyboys @bellaisasleep @deliaseastar @cupcakesminicakescupcakes @dixie-elocin @lilostif16 @wickedfrsgrl @a-beaverhausen @a-beaverhausen @saturnssrings @ladythornofrivia @iloveallmyboys @vhwyrm @strangersunghoon @urmomsgirlfriend1 @saturnssrings @queen-of-elves

[starsifter]

Ford x Reader dating headcanons, some are like POTs specific and trans masc specific

When you first start dating, he has no idea what he's doing really, he starts showing physical affection in very awkward ways like ruffling your hair and just sorta grabbing your arms and giving you random hugs

He's very paranoid about Bill hurting you, so he doesn't let you sleep in his bed with him for the longest time, but he won't tell you why

Once, you fell asleep in his lap and when you woke up he was gone, but you were tucked in nice and neat. When you went looking for him, his bedroom door was locked.

He's insecure about holding your hand, especially in public, worried about what you'll say and what other people will say

His hands are nice and warm to the touch, they feel very soft

He's very insistent that you get up slow so you don't faint or fall, and he keeps you steady when you get dizzy

Normally he doesn't like to be bothered when he's working but he likes it when you sit with him and just exist near him

He's very sensitive to your dysphoria and relates to it, he makes an extra effort to ensure you don't experience it because of him

He likes to read the things he's writing out loud and narrate his research when you're around

Once, you had a very strange dream with him in it, but he won't admit that you'd somehow shared dreams because he has no idea how it happened

He mumbles a lot in his sleep, a lot of sad and confusing things, if you ask about it he just brushes it off, he doesn't want you to worry

He loves hearing about your dreams, he's very invested in whether or not a "triangle guy" features in them

Sometimes, after a rough night of no sleep, he asks you to read to him because he finds your voice very calming

He falls asleep on top of books often, and in your lap or with his head nestled on the crook of your shoulder, he's a very light sleeper

He's up late often, studying and working, you like staying up with him, to which his response is to begrudgingly go to bed just so you'll go

He has very strange hygiene habits, burns his beard off instead of shaving it, he washes his hands and uses hand sanitizer on them before he eats, he wears gloves to cook

Once you asked him to trim your hair and he just kinda burnt the excess off, he took you to a barber afterwards and paid for them to fix it, he was horrifically embarrassed when you explained what happened to the barber

Sometimes you shower together, in a nonsexual way, he helps you clean your back and hair, normally he takes scalding hot showers but he turns the heat down so you don't pass out

He takes you on a date in the alien ship and holds you while he uses the magnet gun to slide you both down

He excitedly shows you everything, including the deactivated security bots, he accidentally reactivates them while knocking on them and assuring you they're "perfectly safe"

He stands in front of you and you hide, he knows you can't control your heart rate, and you both make it out unscathed

If you get into an altercation with any anomalies he immediately jumps to take the hits for you, to his own detriment

He's embarrassed accepting help from you to treat his wounds, but he sits still, biting his tongue if anything hurts and never letting you know

He always has an extensive first aid kit on him when you're around, and he likes to keep track of your meds, but he won't bug you about them if you don't want him to

He tests out pet names on you, recording your responses to them, he called you sugar plum once, never again

He likes to call you dear and dearest (and babe, although a bit awkwardly) in public

He calls you dove, starshine, beloved, honey, and bunny in private, he slipped up once and Stanley never let it go

He teaches you how to shoot, and makes sure you're carrying protection on you whenever you go out, usually his modified bear spray

He refuses to text so you're always receiving random calls from him, they're typically never about anything important, he just likes to hear your voice and know that you're okay

He gives you his coat when you're cold and when you trip and fall or become harmed in any way he worries incessantly, he treats all your wounds very carefully and says everything he's going to do before he does it, always asking if it's okay

He smells like pine needles, smoke, pen ink, and generally has a nice outside-smelling musk about him

He has dozens of coats, turtlenecks, and sweaters, he lets you borrow them whenever you want, they always smell like him

He forgets to take his coat and boots off around the house, he wears socks with cat patterns all over them

When you argue he tends to pace a lot, he's very stubborn and has a hard time seeing when he's wrong

He can get a little possessive and protective at times, and you argue about it, eventually he concedes, knowing you're right

One time you came home very late at night and he was out looking for you, Stanley stayed behind knowing you'd come back, he tells you his brother really cares about you and he's rarely ever seen him so worried

Stan warns you not to break Ford's heart, if you ever tell Ford about this, they argue about it

Stan and Ford argue and fight a lot, but they're very close, and they try to not argue in front of you

Ford is awkward around his grandniece and grandnephew, but you can tell he cares a lot about his family and he makes an effort to make sure they like you too. Mabel is obsessed with your relationship, it gets to be a bit much at times.

The end :D

[its-time-to-write]

Thank you so much for the response to my request <3. the fic was better then I could have hoped!!!!

I have a new request (but feel free to focus on the story themes you were wanting to do!), I have been really wanting to see a Jamie fic where he takes care of sick reader. Could be period or illness (no preference) and Jamie has no idea how to help but tries his best. I think its a cute idea

Can't wait to read more of your fics!

Thank you so much for requesting!! Literally love when people ask me to write things. Also, apparently everyone loves a sickfic because my other one has the most notes of everything I’ve written. Anyway, here’s your fic!

there’s orange juice in the kitchen

You are not sure of much, but you know one thing: you’re in pain. It’s 2am, and you’ve gotten a grand total of two hours of sleep. You’ve given up on laying in your bed and have filled up your bath with hot water, bubbles, and bath salts. Lots of bath salts. Your abdomen feels like it’s shredding itself and you suppose, technically speaking, it is. You’re just relieved that tomorrow is the weekend and you don’t have to slog through a work day, white-knuckling these absolutely ripping period cramps. 

You don’t have regular periods like, ever, and your doctor’s concerned about your fertility. You remember waving it off with the statement, “That’s a problem for another day.” Thing is, that was just a cop-out. You didn’t want to think about it for a single second because then it would become real, and you make it a personal point never to complain about a period no matter how brutal it is because at least it’s something and never mind that your last one was four months ago, you’re ok. You have a good life and good people and you’re fine. 

It’s just the principle, you know? The desire of choice. 

The hormones don’t help either. 

But anyway, you’re in your tiny bath trying to soothe the pain you’re in, trying to make yourself tired enough to fall asleep once you get out. You breathe, in, out. In, out. 

You’re up till 6am when you finally doze off. 

—

You wake up in a sweaty haze. You’re in soft pants and a large t-shirt, on top of your sheets rather than in them. You reach for your phone then pull your legs in with a sharp gasp. You’re still in pain. 

It subsides so you reach again and check the time. 9:01. You groan. Three hours of dubious sleep is not enough. You have a missed text from Sam (remind me which brand of kitchenware you use?) two missed texts from Keeley (look at this absolutely adorable puppy! Attached: 1 Image), and a missed call from Jamie. 

Ah, right. Jamie. 

Your boyfriend. 

Who you were supposed to meet for breakfast exactly sixteen minutes ago. 

Shit. 

You call him back and he answers on the first ring. 

“Hey love!” he says. “You alright? Not like you to miss breakfast.”

You grimace. “I uh, I wasn’t feeling well last night and I haven’t slept very good. I forgot to text you. Didn’t fall asleep until 6.”

“A.M.?” Jamie asks and you reply to the affirmative. He lets out a long “shiiit,” followed by a, “how contagious are you?”

“For you? Not very,” you say. “For another girl, incredibly contagious, although some say that’s an old wive’s tale.”

Jamie is silent in confusion, then- “Ohh, I get it! You’re not sick-sick, you’re on your fucking period.”

You chuckle, despite remaining curled up on your side. 

“Yes,” you reply, “My fucking period. I feel nauseous and tired and I am bleeding so. Much. It’s like my body’s making up for the last four months of nothing.”

Jamie’s silent for a moment and you internally cringe, kicking yourself for over sharing. You haven’t been together that long, about a month and a half, and he doesn’t need to know that about you. He’s a famous footballer, after all, and a guy’s guy. Probably gets grossed out about periods and stuff. 

Then he says, “Can I come over? I’ll bring food,” and your worries almost completely evaporate. 

“As long as you don’t care about how disgusting I am or the fact that I hurt a lot, sure,” you say. “I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

—

Jamie’s at your flat in 40 minutes, which is fast considering how much food he walks in with. He’s brought a bag of Chinese takeout, plus two overflowing grocery bags. 

“This is for now, these are for later,” he explains. He’s in a pink sweatshirt with matching shorts and socks, and maybe it’s the damned hormones again but he looks hot. His hair is pushed back with a headband and you want him to fuck you. You don’t think you can convince him, though, what with the blood. And the fact that he’s Jamie fucking Tartt. And that he probably doesn’t do shit like that because it’s gross. 

Your brain whispers, but he’s here, isn’t he? so you just push that thought down to live with other scary ones like, I will never have kids, or I’m going to live with this pain for the rest of my life.

Jamie is oblivious to this, just pulling everything out of the bags and chattering on. He’s kicked off his trainers near the door, and he hasn’t made any comments about the fact that you’ve wrapped a blanket around your shoulders like a shroud, or that your hair is in the messiest bun in the history of the world. Not the sexy, reader-insert fan fiction type of messy bun, either. Just an I-did-not-get-anywhere-NEAR-enough-sleep-last-night messy bun. 

“-and me mum always drank orange juice, swore it helped with bloating or hydration or somethin’, I don’t really know, but I got some of that too and this tea that’s supposed to help with cramps, and also a shit-ton of chocolate because I didn’t know which kind was your favorite. I was thinking we can sit on the couch and watch a movie or play Animal Crossing or some shit while eating the takeout, then I can cook you a proper fucking meal later. Coach always says it’s important to have a balanced meal when you’re under the weather, and I think it applies to this too.” He stops when he notices you just looking at him. “You alright, babe?”

“Yeah, I just- why did you get all this?” you blurt out. 

For the first time since you’ve known him, Jamie looks unsure of himself. “I dunno. I mean, I do know. You didn’t sound great over the phone, and Keeley’s always telling me to fucking listen to other people, and me mum was always the same on her period so I used to get her the things she wanted all the time. And-” he takes a breath, “and I picked up on what you said. The fuckin’ four-months shit. That ain’t good babe. Even I know that. And, we haven’t been together that long, but I’m pretty fucking sure you know that too, and I wanted to let you know I’m sorry.”

You’re momentarily fixed on the way he says certain words. Keeleh. Sorreh. It’s sweet, for some reason, and it causes a dull ache in your chest. You realize what he’s actually said to you and that ache deepens. You’d kiss him if you weren’t sure your breath was gross. 

So instead, you settle for nodding and staring at your kitchen wall. That’s because option one is kissing and option two is crying. You can’t do either right now.

A traitor tear slips out your eye anyway, and you hope Jamie won’t see it. He does. 

“Hey, hey.” He comes around the counter and pulls you into a hug, blanket shroud, messy bun, and all. “Love. It’s alright. It’s alright. You’re not alone, and we’re going to go sit on the couch and eat as much food as we can and then pass out, alright? We’re not going to think about anything else except what’s right in fuckin’ front of us.”

“That was,” you sniff, “weirdly philosophical. And very sweet. And I’m sorry for being disgusting.”

Jamie pulls away from you, and you think this is the first time he’s realized how gross you are. 

“Don’t say that shit, babe,” he says, and you laugh before you realize he isn’t joking. 

“I’m serious,” he continues. “You might feel disgusting, but you aren’t. You smell like fucking lavender, for Christ’s sake. Your pajamas are clean, and so’s your hair. Might be fuckin’ messy right now, but me mum also taught me to braid, so it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

You pull him back against you and let some more tears come out. 

“Why are you being so nice,” you ask, voice muffled through his sweatshirt. 

“Oh, dunno,” he replies, hint of a smile in his voice, “Think you’re fit. I like shower sex. You pick.” He pauses. “Maybe both. Heard that it can help with cramps.”

You laugh wetly into his chest. He’s warm and comforting, and so completely not what you expected him to be. You both stand in the kitchen for another minute, his cheek resting on your head before he says, “Oi, you hungry?”

“God, yes,” you say, “I could eat a fucking horse.”

“Good.” Jamie picks up the bulging bag of takeout and a roll of paper towels. “Lead the way, babe.���

—

It’s not until much later, after you’ve eaten, watched a movie, and showered (and all that implies) that you realize you’re finally tired. Finally calm. You let yourself relax on your bed in Jamie’s arms, breathing in his clean smell. In, out. In, out. By the third breath, you’re asleep. 

[warmerstranger]

SAPPY AND THUMPING HEARTBEAT!

ft. (separate) Mayoi Ayase, Midori Takamine, Tsumugi Aoba.

This took me ar.4 days while studying their character, sorry if they're not still exactly on point wee ;( not beta read.

°°``summary: they like you but doesn't take things further when you suddenly become their very drive to a new point of relationship.

°°``Marked as and included with: fluff, angsty kind of, Mayoi being a silly creeper guy.., stalking implied but not extreme, self-deprecating humor... Just a few heads up, nothing too much ^^ also, I'm thinking the timeline for this is in !!/Music era

Mayoi Ayase

The one who takes things slow like baby steps while feeling that he doesn't deserve you. At the beginning, insistently asking if you maybe want to reconsider and apologizing because he have become your very wrong choice. Even though he was just pleased watching out for you from afar like the secret admirer he is... But, please don't misunderstand, he's actually has been dreaming this moment! He just can't help it that he still always have thoughts of your breakup in various worst case scenarios and he every so often compulsively expresses it. Holding onto your trust in him, he's slowly learning and working to be the best boyfriend so the chances of you leaving him is decreased.

Dating with Mayoi involves...

➻❥ Lots of understanding and reassurance coming from either both of you. He can easily pick up on your social cues, thus knowing instantly what would make you uncomfortable (even if he sometimes misunderstands thinking he's the source of it) and handle the situation well in a way your worries will be left scurrying off♪ so, please go easy on him whenever he makes any mistakes and goes on apologizing while belittling himself profusely about it.

➻❥ Acts of service. Even without you telling him, he can be unexpectedly a gentleman, shown through little gestures that would make him sound as if he's lesser than you although he means well. You wouldn't need to open a door by yourself and dirtying your hand with the unknown doorknob that have been in many people's hands so let him be the sacrifice since he's already not that 'clean' himself. Wiping your sweat off your face? Leave it to him, it's always been a dream to have a close up on your face he could die happily. The very same guy who would also lay on the road when you have to step over a puddle please stop him

➻❥ Physical touch. Depends after he learns that you've grown comfortable enough with him. Sometimes when you merely complimenting or acknowledging his efforts, he would tear up and hug you, saying you shouldn't be so kind to him since he wouldn't be able to hold himself back from spoiling you with all of his physical affection he could muster... He swears his heart could give out yet his grin is that of the most giddy man living if you're the one who would initiate it first. Surprisingly sudden yet tender in his advances.

➻❥ Vague menacing flirts; “Times like this makes me raring to put my beating heart out on your plate I wish my ribcage is a closet easily opened by you.”

“I feel so complete being with... you, I wouldn't mind having you wear my skin if I could.”

➻❥ Vulnerable, trembling kisses that barely graze your lips before slowly securing the right position with them, placing the effect of a stillness in space and time. Mayoi would muster up the best kiss he could give and still apologize if that one kiss isn't that good to you. He's not one to refuse for more kisses if you so wish, a better result he promises.

➻❥ Messy morning and evening text of 'i love you's accompanied by little cute emoticons along with specific cautionary expressing his worry 'Please always look both way when crossing the road!' or 'Please be careful of having your phone out in the public... it might get snatchedd or worse I'm sorry'

➻❥ You braiding his hair, him pampering you by styling your hair or giving you some accessories to decorate your outfit. His gifts are mostly sparkling trinkets he found from the ES vents secret rooms, stuffed animals, and little diorama of your anniversaries with him.

➻❥ Domestic indoor type of dates at home where this man is more like personal servant sometimes waking you up and making breakfast or dinner. Occasionally on some uneventful days though, there are other times you realize that he really is still your boyfriend.

~~~

A gentle greeting hangs up in the air, not reaching your ears even as he crouches down and peeks to you from the foot of your bed. He then creeps toward the side and now watches your rythmic breathing, feeling bad for what he's about to do but reminding himself that it's for the sake of you too.

“(Name)... Wakey-wakey... I'm so sorry I have to disturb you out of your beauty sleep. I know I'm only an annoying pest but please—umm, you're not.. no, no, you have to wake up. I have prepared you breakfast...” he whispers, nervously frowning.

“Yesh... just wait.” Stirring awake, you mumble before staying silent again. Giving you a few minutes as he admires your face, he soon shakes his head fervently. “Th-this can't do... (Name), you're perfectly fine with it, then, right? I'm sorry, ple-please don't mind, you can hit me all you want or banish me later though I would rather you—In a-a-anyy case! Pardon me...”

He slithers under your sheets knowing you aren't getting up any sooner, cuddling and nuzzling to you with hopes that you would be bothered enough to wake up. Yet, Mayoi wants this moment stay for as long as it could basking in your overall blissful presence.

Chuckling to him, you reply. “Gee, that just makes me want to sleep in more.”

He beams before sitting upright while holding your hands, accompanied by a bright smile rivaling the sun. “Th-that makes me flattered, hehe maybe we can—oh, no no (Name), you can do it, just one step away and getting closer to facing this day, please.” A hopeful tone lace his rushed sentence.

“Okay, what about my morning kiss as the final push?” you ask, pointing to your cheek.

Stammerring abashedly, he closes and opens his mouth. “..I, I can't simply-! No really, I mean... I was thinking of saving it fo-for later... But, it can't be helped if it's your wish...”

With eyes tightly shut, he pecks your cheek then shuffles down from the bed. “Now, with that, please get ready soon.” he offers his hand out for you to support. “I'm all yours.”

Midori Takamine

The one who would begrudgingly goes with the flow you brought about and giving his all. Despite all the complaining of 'why does it have to be him' and 'what do you even see in him', he would've felt worse if he just refuse this very chance that might be the green sign he has been seeking for him to go forward. Midori starts feeling more at ease going out with you, while keeping his doubts to himself about you choosing a better partner than him and feeling he may as well end this dating stuff. But that would be just a bad move to go through. Because, in the end... how can he even avoid you when you're filled with expectant hopes of him like that?

Dating with Midori involves...

☘๑ His intimidating mild discomfort and informal words with actions that speak more even as he sighs often. Things would be way less difficult liking you who weren't that interested in him before and settle with having mascot characters that's similar to you... He just can't get how you have this deep a trust leaving the rest of things or counting on him to do them. Also feels like he's high in cloud nine or something whenever he manages to lift your mood. It's a simple one, but the most satisfying achievements he have ever done in his entire life, besides pretty much being known as, well, the vegetable boy. His sighs sounds more relieved with a fond smile around you...

☘๑ Acts of service. More of from your side with his greengrocer business going on. Midori does still return the favor whenever he could and it's usually out of willingness if he offers. A bit different story if you're the one who ask him first because he might just label it as a pain but you can help yourself just fine which means borrowing him as he won't refuse lending you a hand.

☘๑ Quality time. Hanging out in his room while reading casually some comics together and commenting on tidbits of it or just simply enjoying your company is all what he needs. He's not that creative enough with supportive words or reaching out to provide some physical affections (though he won't push away your affection if you do the latter first), but he's there and will always be your pillar to lean on. Every break or day off where he could be alone with you while free from works is one of his favorites. He always try to not do some tasks around those moments since he would just get stressed out because of it and instead simply sharing his attention and efforts on you.

☘๑ Veggies. Free and the freshest only. He would give you some that reminds him of you or if he could imagine you as an herbivore animal...

☘๑ Rushed one-lip kiss and pecks because he's so not wanting to deal with his heart going crazy so he would rather make it quic. Things like this takes him a lot of energy and it's better than messing anything up anyway... Except when you're not satisfied, then he would try giving you what you want by picking up the rest from where you lead.

☘๑ Pictures sent by him taking a picture of some plush mascot key strap hanging from a random person's bag. Aside from that, casual texts from time to time asking 'where are you. if you can, dont make me search...' > (meaning so he could get to you faster).

☘๑ Insecurities intimate talk. He was and sometimes does still speak about his own misery and melancholic view, but lately because you've become a source of his consideration, he's more focused on your complaints and agreeing with whatever he relates to. Other times, he will keep silent since he doesn't want—more than anything—being your burden, thinking it would be too much for you on those particular heavy days to him. He can't bear it if you frankly get sick of him, even when he also feel at the same time, you would be better off saving your time and leave him for someone else more... better or not a loser like him. But if you aren't bothered and still wants to lend him an ear, he might express them, all the while hugging tight his favorite plush mascot character to try sparing most negativity away from you. He isn't against receiving some of your comfort, even if that would take some time for him to get used to.

☘๑ Besides indoor dates, there's a mascot character hunt type of date with an example of going to the arcade in some days off or as a celebration of his live success. Such as on one night...

~~~

The arcade isn't that rowdy this night where it could come as suffocating and it's just perfect for him. You both walk further into the section of claw machines for the stuffed animal and all kind of mascots behind the glass, waiting for the next seizer.

“So... Are we gonna start any soon now?” his eyes are already locked on a particular machine filled with vegetable mascots.

Earlier, you have challenged him into a competition where the winner who have caught the most will receive all catch from the loser.

“Yep, go crazy, we'll meet again here in an hour.” you reply, leaving him who answered an energetic 'okay' before he runs over to the machine not far away on the right side.

Not long after, he soon have gotten three of his targets finally in his hands after many determined tries. There's suddenly a surprised 'wahh' voice sounding near by his side which causes him to press the button at the wrong time and as the result, the claw misses. “Uuh... It was so close too dammit, so annoying, wanna die...” he mumbles, looking down in despair when that same voice revealed to be a little boy speaks out.

“You're great, big stranger brother! Can you please catch some for me?”

An hour later on your way to the meeting point, you catch a little boy carrying a round bag full of mascots running with a big smile from the way where you meet Midori. He's scratching his head awkwardly while holding three plushies in his left arm. “Well... This is all I got.” he sighs, gesturing to the plushies.

“Oh, I also got three, luckily... what happened though?”

He glances between the plushies you have and at the floor. “Got too carried away winning for that boy earlier, so the others were...” his gaze soon return to your face with a slightly agape mouth. “Wait... Three, does that mean it's a tie?”

You nod. “Yeah! Oh, no, wait, the catch you did before still counts too, you're practically the winner. So, here. These are cute but I had fun just playing.” Handing them out to him, he instead shakes his head and pushes them back.

“No, no, thanks, you don't need to though really... I would just feel bad. The final fair results is the one we have in our hands right now.” he then smiles, “I still had fun too, anyway. I think my inner child just healed, thinking that boy reminds me of the childhood. At least, all the mascots have found their place in each of a happy owner. That's why, I could trust them to you.” On the rest way back, you can tell from how he sounds eager telling you fun facts and the backstories of each plushies you have, that it was indeed a fun time for the both of you.

Tsumugi Aoba

Similar to Mayoi, Tsumugi would be unsure how to pick up the initiative and if he's befitting of a love life. That's why, as long as he can help you from time to time and indulging in the warm feelings from seeing you happy is already a lot enough than what he could ask. More so, he feels responsible, mixed with bitter guilt that you have decided to choose him of all people... But he will try not to disappoint you and does his best, though in that aspect he somehow still acts like a friend with benefits most of the time, who doesn't seem to be treating you any different than others. That's until you find his acts are more apparent in multiplied forms and earnest expressions like your treatment is the result of being placed at the top of his world.

Dating with Tsumugi involves...

❁♡‧₊˚ His inviting aura that lets you reach out to him easily for anything you might need or if you're encountering some difficulties, even when he's in the middle of doing something, it's important to hear you out no matter what it is and think about how he can help. Unless there's some urgent work needing his attention firstmost, he would apologize with a disappointed frown, offering to plan another time between the tight schedule where he can aid you completely so he would really appreciate your patience. He would make it up to you, and he does, more than what you expect even. It feels like he has such motherly vibes, because he could be bringing the drinks you want along with some refreshments too for the discussions. You don't even realize a small torn part on your jacket until Tsumugi tells you and offers to sew it, he doesn't mind because he could show off his ability.

❁♡‧₊˚ Words of affirmation flows smoothly from him the second you seem troubled or depressed until your thoughts can be tidied and held under your capability of control again that it's easy to feel reassured. Although, it would be a lot harder were you the one to give such words because he would deflect almost any with an appreciative smile and expression about him who is undeserving of them. He'd rather you share such kind things to others who may need it more or it could serve as a good reminder worth keeping to yourself.

❁♡‧₊˚ Acts of service, naturally. You have his full attention, always compassionate in assisting you. Furthermore, his assistance is accompanied by a relaxed chat with you. He can even manage the tasks you have to be processed in order, becoming less overwhelming and tying them with how you do things so you can do them without difficulty. Do use him to your heart's content~ it makes him happy if you especially depend on him, no trouble at all. If you're the one who try to help him, he wouldn't let you do so if he can, he's supposed to be the dependable one after all... Eventually he caves in and feels motivated to finish his work faster, though.

❁♡‧₊˚ Talk for long hours, like any topic, any reminiscing, will keep you chatting on and on with him because they just give you many thoughts to think about and experience in a useful way. Those topics would time to time include him mentioning the past with a cheery tone, yet concealing the heavy implications within... But, you don't need to think too deeply about it. Besides, he's okay, and still thinking about the future in a hopeful manner, too. It's just like any other day and have the similar tone to one would speak about the weather today.

❁♡‧₊˚ Occasionally, you would receive lucky charms and your lucky item for the day from him when the morning is about to start. He would also offer to do a reading on your fortune with the intentions of helping you get ready facing the day ahead. Even if you don't believe in any spiritual part of them, he would like it if you keep the charms or item for him. So his feelings for you could stay safe in your hands everywhere you go and whenever you take a look at them, you would be reminded of him♪ that's what he would like to think, at least... He's also fine of throwing them away and not giving them to you again, he can find another way that would make you more pleased.

❁♡‧₊˚ Forehead kisses, soft and not too impudent for him to do. He's saving the deep kind on the lips for a better day and event such as birthdays or celebrations when he could feel like he's worthy of them. He would let you give those kisses as many as you like, but he wouldn't return them back, unless it's the time.

❁♡‧₊˚ A bouquet of flowers on every and each date with different color and type to commemorate the particular events on that day, on that note he would explain the message they symbolize if you like :) They're good as a build-up for the atmosphere, too. Even so, please excuse him being a little bit dense in the wrong moment sometimes. He can focus too much on making you happy it's almost like everything is about you rather than as a date of you and him; going any places you want to go, treating you to the food, bringing you drinks...

❁♡‧₊˚ Library and bookstore dates are his go-to usually. Even if books were not your interest, his presence already does much to make the experience fun and rewarding. Besides that, he likes visiting few diners with their special steamed red sweet buns which are his favorite. The moment he mentioned it with such a happy satisfied smile, you realize it would be good to buy him some especially on this late night in the library.

~~~

Already covered by his own blanket, he was slowly dozing off at the second you call his name out. “EEP—sorry I'm not... Oh, (name), it's only you. Your voice sounded so soft I thought a ghost was whispering to me, you see.” he smiles sheepishly. “Is there anything you need? You should go to sleep soon... though I'm not the right person to be saying this, huh, ahaha.”

Putting a tea on the long table, you then give him a wrapped box which he accepts. “Enjoy them while it's hot, let me handle your work.”

“Is this...” he leans his head closer to the box, eyes widening in realization of a faint smell wafting from the box. “Ah, I know this smell anywhere! Thank you, (name). For the tea and the buns. But I didn't do any work, it's only a few lesson plans needing to be reviewed. I'm almost done with them. I have troubled you enough...” The still closed box is laid down on his lap.

“Yeah, right, your eyes are almost done sleeping there too. Let me handle them if they're only few left.” you take a seat from his side.

“I have a much better idea, how about we eat this buns together? I don't think I would be able to keep myself awake if I'm left alone while you're focusing on them.” He moves the box up on the table, closing the distance between you and him while he wraps the blanket around you. “There we go. Today was really exhausting, but I managed to finish all the works. Well, except that one. Fufu, what reason do you have for staying up late?”

“..nothing much, just worried about you.”

He takes a bite from one of the buns, humming delightfully. “How thoughtful of you like always. I'm glad to be the one who occupy your mind at this time, thought I can't say I like the thought of worrying you.” Finishing a piece, he then leans on your shoulder. “I can still get some sleep and, I will be revitalized enough now that you're here. Tomorrow too, with the warmth and care you provide me, I can try working harder again as usual. I don't think I could ever repay you back even with this insignificant love I have compared to the dearest you. But, I hope you can still accept my best everything of efforts for your happiness...”

[r0sequarks]

doodles for a tears of the kingdom roleswap au, because those will forever be my jam and i really like the idea of playable zelda. notes/rambling under the cut.

Scavenged Zonai tech instead of Ultrahand (she made it herself??)

idk if the stone stays a necklace or goes on a hand or what

Maybe Zonai glasses? idk

She has an undershirt b/c boobs. Patterned off main padding.

Zonai Survey Team + Hylian Armor (people just give Zelda shit)

Bow of Light - summons freely, acts like Master Sword, powers up with shrines?

Text is readable (Purah: stealing my look! rude!)

And then the general core conceits of Playable TotK Zelda:

Archer - ranged combat focus/optimized

Princess/General - focus on group combat (sages / monster squad / Gerudo Town)

Priestess - Light + Time magic, upgrades

Zonai Researcher - extra knowledge in ruins, can read tet, can do more with scavenging

I need to finish the final boss fight before I decide what entirely Link's role ends up as, but he's sent back in time injured with the broken sword while Zelda is teleported by the Purah Pad away to the Sky Island. IDK if she still has Rauru (or Mineru) as a guide, but even if she does, she's a lot more self sufficient, and scavenges/builds the tech to interface with Zonai devices herself instead of just being given the Ultrahand. I think she still gets the same abilities, but like. She's doing it herself. very stressed out this is fine energy.

Zelda on the sky island is probably more than a little feral researcher. It's her getting used to combat. When we started with the broken master sword, I though the game was going to let you keep it and power it up over time; I'm glad that's not how it went but I do think it would be interesting, so Zelda gets to summon a bow and it levels up over time (probably connected to the shrines system, because Holy Light, but idk how exactly). She can use swords and other weapons, but she definitely defaults more ranged.

Zelda also gets magic, which is obviously the Time Rune stuff, but I think also it would be cool if she had a light power unarmed attack (similar to but weaker than the Yiga Earthwave you can unlock). I like the idea of a playthrough where you never pick up a sword and you just keep light blasting people and dodging even though it is almost certainly the weaker attack. feral untrained self taught mages are and forever will be my jam.

When Zelda returns to Hyrule proper, I think the reactions are very different, because everyone pretty much agrees she's in charge (even if, perhaps, she doesn't). I also think that, well, people are less worried about Link being missing than they are about Zelda - the Lucky Clover isn't running stories about him, y'know? As such it's driven by what Zelda wants - which is to find Link, even if it''s not what others want.

Zelda as princess I think also plays interestingly into the group combat TotK introduces; I think in her game she acts more as general and they're more common. Not that she can't be on front lines, but it'd be pretty easy to play letting the Sages eat up melee while she's sniping. I also think she gets magic that can heal allies, making them more useful in fights to some extent. This would maybe be very messy in a real game but this is a theory baybee!

Although I think that's probably similarly limited / you don't have to drag people around while climbing mountains. Which, to be clear, she still does. It's been like five years and she's clearly been traveling the world with Link still at her side, there's no way that she's not just as feral an adventurer as he is. She's just better as passing as normal.

The big change in exploration is the various ruins, because she actually knows shit. I like to imagine there's some feature Zelda can use to sort of take notes on basically any Zonai or other ancient shit you find anywhere. She doesn't need to run back to Kakariko Village to translate, she's putting stuff together herself. This is maybe manifested by Zonai glasses/mask, which replaces/augments the Camera feature? And then upgrades to help you better see stuff? idk. [let the purah scope zoom in and out. ideal fix. kthxbai]

as for how Zelda interacts with the world...that's kind of complicated but really interesting. she's the beloved princess, but she is the Princess, and for the other four nations, specifically, Not Their Princess. like the dynamic with the Sages definitely changes. There's probably some themes there to parallel Zelda with Rauru but like that means there are Implications and I need to think more on that than 2am.

[0809sysblings]

Amane, indoctrination, and gaslighting

and why voting Amane innocent would be the best course of action

I've been wanting to write a big post on Amane talking about indoctrination and such. Because I see takes sometimes that make it clear the person doesn't really... Get It.

Most of what I'll be explaining comes from my personal experiences growing up.

Additionally, most of what I say when it comes to outcomes (i.e. "If x happens, Amane will do y") will be based on the assumption that realism, not entertainment, is prioritized in the writing and that there are no major holes in our knowledge of what's going on. Theoretically anything could happen since this is a fictional scenario and we don't know everything when it comes to the world, the cases, and the characters. Not to mention my situation was nowhere near as extreme as hers. So although I probably have a better understanding of it than most people, I definitely can't claim that I know what she's gone through.

Personal anecdotes I add to better support my points will be in the small font (this!) since I don't want them to distract from the main text and so that they can be easily skipped for those who may be worried about being triggered. But if anyone needs plain text descriptions, I'll happily provide them!

!! TW for child abuse, religious abuse, and cults !!

I recommend skipping my personal anecdotes if more detailed discussions about these topics are a trigger for you.

At the heart of "good" (read: successful) indoctrination is gaslighting.

Since gaslighting has been one of the many psychology terms completely watered down and distorted by the internet, I will define it just so we're all on the same page!

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make the victim question their own sanity, sense of reality, or power of reasoning.

Basically, you can't trust yourself. You can't trust your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, etc. You become completely reliant on other people (usually specific people who are the ones doing the gaslighting) to figure out what's real/true or not.

Toxic/extremist religious groups like to take gaslighting a step further though. Not only do they make it so you cannot trust yourself to judge what is right or not, they may also teach you that what feels wrong is actually right. You can see where this can start to cause some issues lol.

Anything your gut may tell you that contradicts what the group/cult leaders tell you—"this is wrong!", "this is bad!", "I don't want to do this..."—must be ignored. Because those feelings and thoughts, according to the leaders, are actually the sinful part of you trying to lead the good and faithful part of you astray. They make you question yourself to make sure you never question them.

They will figuratively or literally beat this into you until your first instinct is no longer to listen to your gut and do what it says, but to dismiss it and do what it's telling you not to do. Existing becomes a chronic power struggle between your unconscious mind and your conscious mind. Unfortunately, the fact that you're struggling often then gets used against you as proof that you need to follow their teachings. Because if you're unhappy, then you must be doing something wrong. You just need to have a little more faith, dedicate a little more time to the religion/group, go a little harder into your duties... Only then will you feel better—feel more enlightened.

An integral part in making all this work is isolation. If you don't somehow isolate the members, they may figure out that they're being manipulated and abused.

Now, isolation doesn't always mean purely physical isolation (though Amane is being isolated physically to at least some capacity). Psychological isolation is almost just as powerful. An almost universal psychological isolation tactic used by extremist groups and cults is the "Us vs Them" mentality. We can see this being very prominent with Amane. A lot of things she talks about with regard to the cult involves an Us-vs-Them dynamic. There is "Us", the cult, and "Them", everyone else.

Personally, we were taught that those who weren't believers of our religion were out to get us or will, at the very least, get us hurt/killed somehow. We were told many people wanted us dead just for being believers. You had to be careful and watch out when interacting with non-believers; you couldn't trust them. God was constantly testing you via others, and you had to make sure you stayed faithful.

This in particular is why no matter if you vote guilty or innocent, that itself will not actually do anything to change her beliefs. Voting her guilty will not make her start to feel bad and then question her beliefs. Voting her innocent will not make her listen to us and then question her beliefs. If we make her have any doubt about the cult, that's just proof to her that what we're telling her is wrong and is just another "trial" from God for her to overcome. So, changing her beliefs should not be a factor considered when voting since it's completely irrelevant. Everything can be twisted to support the cult. That's just how it works.

I don't think any amount of punishment will make Amane "come to her senses". I mean... what could we possibly do to her that she hasn't already had to endure? Punishment will likely only escalate things even more. Not to mention that having a bit of a fascination with martyrdom isn't all that uncommon in those who have been religiously abused and indoctrinated. The threat of punishment may only serve to motivate her to double down on her beliefs and behavior. Not to say she wants and likes punishment. It's obvious she's both scared of punishment and wants it to stop. After all, that's most likely the motive behind the murder.

Even prior to Amane's age, I was already fantasizing about being a martyr. A part of me almost wanted to be killed for my religion and community. It was seen as something extremely admirable. The ultimate sacrifice, if you will. We were taught that if given the choice between saving yourself by denying your faith or letting yourself be hurt/killed by standing your ground, you should choose the latter. Of course, I also did not want that to happen at all. It scared me shitless. But we weren't allowed to be scared about that stuff. It was seen as questioning God and the religious authorities, which was completely taboo. So I had no choice but to "want" it.

Isolating Amane is the worst possible thing we could do to her. No one gets better from being isolated, and this goes double for people living in abusive environments. She's been isolated her whole life. The best thing for her would be spending time with the other prisoners without restrictions. The more time she spends around people who have no connection to the cult, the better. Trying to argue with those in cults about why they're wrong and why they are in a cult (because most don't even recognize they're in a cult due to the gaslighting, indoctrination, and stigma) will almost always backfire. The best thing to do is to just be there for them to have someone to interact with who is not a cult member.

The only reason I left the extremist religious community I grew up in was because I made a friend who was not affiliated with it. I don't think I would've been able to see that the conditions I was living in were Not Very Good without that friend. He didn't even really do anything to actively help me. Just learning more about the real world through him was enough to make me start looking closer at my life.

To vote her guilty would be to continue isolating her. Not just physically as the guilty prisoners get restrictions put on them, but it's also an inescapable psychological isolation. Innocent vs Guilty is just another Us vs Them dynamic.

I fear that, if she ends up guilty this trial, she will likely be voted guilty again in trial 3. Her aggression will probably only escalate as she feels herself becoming more and more cornered. And since I know many people are voting her guilty solely to make sure she doesn't hurt Shidou or other prisoners, I can only imagine what the voting will look like for her in trial 3 once she's forced to become even more aggressive to protect herself.

And tbh... I can't imagine that having a prisoner with 3 guilty verdicts will make for all that interesting of a story for them. Not that it would be boring, per se. But having variety would, in my opinion, be the most interesting and entertaining! So, if nothing else I've said has been able to sway those who vote her guilty, then think about the entertainment factor!

Please vote this severely traumatized 12 y/o girl innocent. We can give her so many secret cakes to eat.

[bigbroadvice]

Hey, uh...

Hi....!

I... Wanted to talk to you about something because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about it (this is going to be a very long rant, ignore this if you like)

I... think I'm trans. Specifically transmasc. Or nonbinary. Or agender. I don't know what the heck I am XD. But... I'm Christian (specifically LDS). It goes against everything I believe. Or at least what I think I believe. I've done research. There seems to be a lot of discourse, but the majority seem to say it's okay, although I wouldn't be able to do certain things that I love if I started socially or medically transitioning. (You can ignore this part if you want, especially if you aren't comfortable with giving religious advice)

I have supportive friends and most likely family. I know at least some of my friends would accept me because a few of them are also trans or visibly supportive of it. I know at least one certain group of friends would support and encourage me if I decided to come out. And my parents once said something that very clearly said that they'd support me regardless of who I am (which makes me wonder now, later, if they knew before I knew.) They're just a little awkward about lgbtq+ stuff, and I know they'd get my name and pronouns wrong a lot and consistently struggle with it. But I think know they'd still support and love me.

On the other hand, there are quite a lot of reasons not to come out. I'm still really young. I'm only thirteen. I've heard a lot about how young trans people might face criticism, specifically things like "you might regret it later!" Or "you're too young to know this!". And the thing is: they're right. I'm still not sure exactly who I am. At first I thought I was agender, because I felt like I didn't really care about gender or what pronouns people used for me. But then I started to think I was nonbinary. And I thought about what it'd be like to be referred to as they/them, and it felt really good. And all the while, in the back of my mind, a quiet voice said "you could be a boy?"

Quick Sidetrack: I only found out I was gay because... I watched a whole bunch of lgbtq tiktok comps (I know, kinda stupid but hear me out). I watched so many that I began to question if I was still an outsider to that group of people. Eventually, after a lot of internal screaming, I realized that I was pan and ace, and came out. My parents didn't find out the way I wanted them to, having read through my texts, but after a very uncomfortable Talk it ended up pretty okay. But I only realized because I watched so many tiktoks. And I still wonder to this day if I was only faking it until I made it. I never had gay thoughts or feelings until I learned it existed, and I still wonder to this day if I still would've ever realized if I hadn't learned about it. The same thing happened with my depression: I only realized it and started having symptoms after I learned it existed. When I was younger, I'd had multiple times where I'd lied about something bad happening to me because I wanted attention. So I worry that might've been the case, and I pretended I had depression until I actually had it because I wanted people to make it known that they care. And I wonder if that's what happened with being gay: I worry I faked it until I made it real because I just instinctively wanted to be part of a community. Later I realized I didn't know anything about my orientation and started identifying as queer. But the same thing could apply to being trans: I might have just faked it until I made(??) It, because I want to be unique and part of a community.

So anyway: I'm questioning being trans for a number of reasons. I don't want to transition medically, because that just doesn't feel like a need for me (at least right now. I am still only a kid after all.) It's more socially transitioning that I want. But if I don't want to medically transition, doesn't that mean I can't be a boy? Doesn't that mean I kinda have to be either nonbinary or agender? I guess that's most of the reason I'm questioning which one I am.

I can't be a boy. I CAN'T be a BOY.

But.... one day I started playing around with my hair. Even before I'd started questioning Things, I've had an idea of what my hair could look like that I really really want and think would make me happy but I'm too scared to ask my parents to do it. And so I was playing around with it.... And decided to try parting it on the side. The way those stereotypically emo people (not saying that's bad just based on society's views and the media) have one side of their hair basically shaved and the other long. Just to see what I would look like.

But... I looked in the mirror, and at how my hair looked short, and looking the way I'd always wanted to look, and just how MUCH it changed how I saw both my physical features and my personality... It felt... right. A thought came before I could shut it down and said "that's me. There I am. I... I actually like that person!"

But.. I'm scared of how people other than that one group of friends will react. Especially this one group of people that are my favorite people ever, that make me feel like myself and I look up to them a lot (and they're all older). What if they, and/or my parents, listen to me come out, and then say "oh. Oh no, [name]. Please no. I don't want this for you, that isn't you".

I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll say something other than what they'll probably say.

Every day, I pull my hair back and part it on the side, and see a real, ME smile break out over my face. And then I pull it back to normal, and yell at my reflection that I'm not a boy I'm a girl I'm a girl I'M A GIRL I'M A GIRL because maybe if I lie to myself say that enough I'll be able to make it true.

And another thing: everywhere isn't... Ideal, to put it mildly, for trans people. But I live in the U.S, and there's currently a lot of political discourse about whether or not they....we deserve rights. I'm worried that if Trump gets elected, or laws get passed, that I'll bring harm not only on myself but on the people I love.

But... the daydream of saying "I go by he/him (he/they????)", and wearing boy's clothes, and looking the way I always wanted to, especially with my hair, and getting top surgery (maybe) when I'm older and being able to feel my chest, and going by the name Ace (get it cuz cuz I'm asexual? Ace? I didn't realize that until after I chose it lol and I find it funny) and just... feeling free to really, truly be me... I really, really want that. So much that it hurts.

But I'm scared. I'm scared I'll make that choice, and then realize it was the wrong one. I'm scared that I'm too young to know.

I want to come out. But... it might be better to wait until I'm at least sixteen, and things would hopefully calm down a little bit politically at least, and I'm better mentally equipped to make that kind of decision. It also might give my parents time to get more comfortable with lgbtq+ stuff.

But 3 years is a long time to wait.

I guess the question is: do you have a good way to stay in the closet? To resist the urge to tell people and be patient?

Aaaaaanyway, thank you for reading my very very long rant and hope you're having a great day/night!

Hey friend, lean in close,… no, closer

There is no such thing as fake queer people

If living a certain way makes you happy, then live that way! If a certain word helps you describe that lifestyle and/or the way you feel, use it! And that doesn’t have to be the same word forever. You’re allowed to try on labels and identities and lifestyles to see which ones fit best. Its ok to try something on for a while and then decide it’s not for you and you’d like to try something else. That’s how you figure out who you are!

That’s why the whole “but they’re too young to know” thing is so silly. This is when you’re supposed to be figuring stuff out! Kids try on all sorts of different things: hobbies and interrests, friendgroups, styles, personalities, worldviews. That’s a good thing! It’s called exploring! That’s how you figure out who you want to be when you grow up. If you figured out you liked science, did some googling into different science careers, and decided you wanted to become a neurosurgeon, most people would be overjoyed and do whatever they could to support you in that pursuit, even if later down the line you found something else in the science field you were more interrested in, or maybe something outside of science entirely!

It’s the same thing for gender and sexuality. Try on different kinds of clothes to see what you like wearing. Try on different sets of pronouns to see what you like hearing. Try on labels to see which ones you vibe with. Try out new hairstyles. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back. Try on names to see which one feels like you.

And its ok to be open about the fact that you’re trying things out and might not be sure about everything yet! You can just tell people, “I think I might be transmasc (or nonbinary, or agender). I’m going by Ace and He/Him (or He/They) pronouns for now.” And yeah, some people are probably gonna be assholes about it, but those people are gonna be assholes no matter what you tell them. Let their words slide off you like water off a duck. People who care about you and want to support you will go through that journey with you.

As far as the ‘not knowing you’re gay till you’ve seen a bunch of gay stuff’ goes, that’s also completely normal. I’m pretty confident most neurosergeons didn’t know they wanted to be neurosergeons until they heard about other neurosergeons. Some people ‘always knew’ something was different about them even before they had the words for it, and some people only started seeing that thing in themselves after they’d seen it in others. Both of those are awesome and neither is any less true! That’s the fun part of learning about the human experience. You get to understand other people better, but also, you frequently stumble upon things that give you a deeper understanding of yourself.

All that being said, it’s a good idea to test the waters when it comes to parents. Coming out does not need to be an all or nothing kind of deal. You can tell the people you know with complete confidence will support you first and ask them to keep it to themselves for now. (This is a good way to test out names and pronouns by the way. A smaller group means less hassle of having to let people know you’d like to try something else) Once you feel ready (and perhaps have made some plans with your friends for some emotional support if things don’t go as well as they could have) you can bring up the topic with your parents. If you’re not sure how they’d react to you coming out directly, it might be a good idea to talk about a trans friend of yours and see what they have to say on the topic. If that goes well, pitch a hypothetical “what would happen if I came out to you.” If their response makes you nervous, you can always backpeddle and say you were just curious what their views on the subject were. If things go well, then go for it!

Anyways, as someone whose ditched a religion I no longer believed in and gone through multiple names, labels, and pronouns to find what makes me happy today, I wish you the best of luck my friend. It’s an adventure. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You’ve got to be willing to fail if you ever want to succeed at anything.

[futbolfanficpunk]

Who is it?

Player: Pedri Gonzalez x Fictional Female Word count: 6330+ Summary: Pedri and his girlfriend break up when she can't handle the downfalls of being with someone famous, as they try to navigate their post-breakup friendship Pedri is having a really hard time because he is not over her, at all. Themes/Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Love Smut, Alcohol A/N: This came out pretty quickly, in a week and a half, which is really rare for me. Got inspiration from Rauw Alejandro's Dime Quien?. The timeline goes back and forth a bit, so be mindful of that. First time doing a long sex scene with a real plot, hope it works.

Pedri couldn’t get Camila out of his head, it’s been four months since they broke up. She left even when he pleaded, and pleaded, crying his eyes out like a teenager being rejected for the first time. She assured him that they could stay friends, he hadn’t done anything wrong, she just wasn’t ready for all the attention and outside drama of being in a relationship with him. They dated in secret for six months and once they went public she couldn’t deal with it anymore, four months later they were done. She wanted to be his friend but she needed some time by herself before that could happen.  He accepted what little she had to offer. Two months ago Camila texted him late at night saying hi and asking how he was. Pedri was miserable, if he had been honest that’s what he would have said but he didn’t want to take a step back and lose contact with her because he was needy. He replied

<Hi Camila, doing good. How about you?>

<I’m good, just wanted to check on you>

<Thanks. How’s everything?>

< Not much. Lots of work. 

I’ve seen your games. Glad the team is doing so well>

< We appreciate the support from our fans 🙂>

<hahahaha. Let’s chat soon or whatever. Going to sleep. > < I’m down. Good night>

He just smiled, reading the conversation again. He still loved her, wanted her, missed her, loved her, loved her, loved her. He ran his hands through his hair and pulled it in desperation while letting out a small groan. The first time they kissed, they made out for an hour, he couldn’t get enough of her, and she of him. Now Pedri couldn’t get Camila out of his head, if he could, if someone showed him how he would but he couldn’t. He had a small dip in training the first few weeks after the breakup, causing him to get benched for two straight games, and then got subbed into the third game with a sketchy game at that. He just couldn’t get his head straight. His teammates were trying to be understanding but outside people started noticing and he was getting criticized heavily. He wasn’t his normal self, not smiling in team photos, and Camila was nowhere to be seen in games or his cars, although she was very private she would be seen with him in public once or twice a month. The last month? Nothing, plus all her socials were now private. It got so bad the rumors got to his mom’s circle and mom, who at times treated her son as a friend, called him “Mi amor, todo bien?” (My love, is everything all right?) “Si, mami todo bien” (Yes, mom, everything’s all right)

“¿Cómo esta Cami? No me has enviado fotos con ella hace semanas y están comentando en internet cosas sobre ustedes” (How’s Cami. You haven’t sent me a pic with her in weeks and their saying things on the internet about you two)

“Ma’ , Camila  y yo no estamos juntos ya” (Ma’, Camila and I aren’t together anymore)

“¡Cariño! ¡Que pena!, ¿pasó algo?”  (Honey! What a shame! Did something happen?)

“No, mami, lo de ser famoso es un puta hostia” (No, mom, just that being famous is shit)

“Lo puede ser, sí….de veras, que pena. ¿Quieres que te vayamos a visitar?” (It can be, yes…it’s a real shame, Do you want us to visit you?)

“No, no te preocupes, ya me voy sintiendo mejor. Estamos de amigos” (No, don’t worry, I’m starting to feel better. We’re just friends now)

“Vale, te quiero, mi niño. Sabes que estamos aquí para ti” (Okay, I love you, my boy. You know we’re here for you) “Lo se, mami, yo tambien te quiero, chau (I know, mom, I love you too, bye)

“Adios” (Good-bye)

And after that call he decided that everything else would have to suffer except his football career, he would have to get used to not thinking about her before or during games or training. He had a habit of going through the photos he had of Camila on his phone whenever he was missing her desperately. He would touch himself when he felt lonely looking at pictures of her modeling lingerie she had sent him for away games. Nobody could make him as hot and hard as she did, he missed being inside her while kissing her the most because at that moment he felt like they were one thing, she was his and he was hers. He felt so empty every time he came, hand full of cum, he hated not having her around. In private he could hate himself and his situation all he wanted but not in public, not in football. He didn’t want his family to worry anymore. He usually shut the world off from his brain when he was playing but this last month Camila was creeping into his mind but from then on, he shut her off from his safe space, the pitch. He started playing better at training. Next month, he tried his best, even Camila herself noticed he was doing better and she started thinking maybe enough time had passed by and they could actually start talking again soon. She missed him too, she missed his friendship the most.  Even though they had said they would talk soon, they didn’t but they did start subtly interacting with hearts and likes on their social media, and neither of them was really ready to talk for another month. Pedri went by himself to a restaurant they used to love to go and decided to take a picture of his food and send it to her <“Guess where I am at?” >. Camila didn’t answer right away, so he just ate the delicious food that was in front of him and enjoyed the view of the city even if he had a bit of a knot in his chest. After asking for the check his phone vibrated < Is that fucking Don Jordi?>

<Yep! You guessed right> 

<It’s sooo good! I love that place! What I wouldn’t give to eat their chocolate mousse cake>

<If you’re home I can bring one over>

<I’m home but you don’t need to do that! >

<Oh, don’t be silly. Don Jordi is not far from you>

<You don’t have to ! I was just wishing out loud>

<I’ll bring it over and be on my way, see you in 20>

<god, I shouldn’t have said anything but okay, I love chocolate too much> He just needed an excuse, anything to see her in person. It had been three months and a week since he last saw her, Camila leaving his house with the last box full of her things, never to return. He order the dessert to go and went to the bathroom to check how he looked. He looked fine, this new fine of having eyes of someone who never sleeps through the night, just needed to fix his hair. 

He knocked on her door and waited, small bag in hand with a small dessert inside. She knew it was him, she had buzzed him in. “That was fast! Hope you weren’t speeding” she said as she opened the door “Hi”

‘Hi, and don’t worry, I wasn’t ” he replied with a small smile She gave him a small hug and said “It’s good to see you”. He could barely move, his mouth was dry, and his nerves were on edge but that hug made him feel a tingling all over his body he hadn’t felt in months. He wrapped his free hand around her and gave her a small squeeze back. “You too”. He said

She stepped back and looked at the bag he was carrying

“This is for you,” he said as he gave her the bag “I hope it’s not ruined” “I’m sure it’s not,” she said with a smile “Thanks so much!” “No problem” he said as he took the opportunity to look at her for a second. Her hair was longer, but she looked the same. She was wearing a cropped sweater and tight-fitting joggers. He could see part of her belly and lips were shiny from wearing a bit of lipgloss. He could fight 10 men at a time just to get to kiss those lips again. 

“Well, thanks again” She interrupted his thoughts ”Maybe we can hang out soon and catch up?”

“Yes, lets. Now go inside and eat it” 

“Oh, I will!” she gave him a lil pat on his left arm “Bye” she turned towards the door and opened it, she turned around and said, “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

He smiled, nodded and turned around to go towards the stairs, down to his car. 

His heart was racing when he got into his car. Time had not changed anything at all, maybe his love-wounds hurt less but seeing her again in person made him want her back more than ever.

From that day on he would put his cell phone right next to him with the sound notifications on just in case she texted or called, even when he went to bed early because he had training the next day he placed his phone next to his pillow hoping she would. He would stare at it, trying to conjure her with his thoughts. A week and a half had passed since they saw each other when his phone vibrated and made a noise when he was putting on pajama pants to sleep, he took his shirt off and jumped into bed to check his phone. And there it was, a text from her, asking to meet up next Sunday, at the time of his choosing, whenever he could. He said that he could meet her after 3 PM, anywhere she liked. She decided that they would meet at The Café on Rosell Street at 4pm. He counted the days, every day waking up to check how many days were left. He got a haircut two days before. He had a game the day before their meeting, and he was sure he would be in the starting eleven, so it wouldn’t look like he was trying too hard since he usually got a haircut before big games. 

     Rosell Street, 4pm. The Cafe. Camila was there already. Pedri saw her right away because she was already looking and waving at him when he got in. She must have seen him coming from the street. Camila stood up “Hey, you” opening her arm as to welcome a hug. Pedri gave her a shy hug and quick kisses on her cheeks being afraid of himself and his reaction “Nice to see you” he said while pulling away from her “Is this table okay? She asked said nervously “What kind of question is that? Of course” he said, surprised. Something is off, she’s nervous, he thought. She asked about the game and training, she had seen the game and congratulated him on his goal. He was so concentrated on this day’s arrival that a goal seemed like something so stupid and unimportant, he never thought of bringing it up in their conversation or known she would bring it up “Yea, that was awesome. I got a good assist from Frenkie, so it was pretty easy” “You always make it seem easy, then I try to play and I feel embarrassed at how bad I am” she said laughing.

Pedri laughed with her, she’s right, she’s pretty bad. “You’re not that bad, Cami” he said

“Yea, THAT bad” she replied giggling Pedri drank water and the waiter came over. They both order drinks and a few small plates. “I’m so glad you came, it’s so good to finally be able to talk to you, I missed talking to you“ she said “Me too, a lot” he replied, feeling himself getting excited with hope “ Speaking of talking to you. I have something to tell you” she said

“Oh?” he said with curiosity

“I want to tell you before anyone else tells you. I’m seeing somebody. It’s been going on for a few weeks. It’s not super serious yet but, you know, I thought you would probably want to know”

He felt his chest burn and his stomach churn while she was speaking, every word that kept coming out of her mouth was worse than the one before, the more she talked, the worst it got. “Who is it? he said as he frowned

“It’s a friend of a friend from work. You know, Daniel?  We met a party at Daniel’s apartment, his name is Unai”

“Ugly fucking name”

“Hey, be nice!” He held his face in his hands and breathed, “Get it together” he thought

“I’m just kidding. I’m happy for you” taking his hands off his face “At least one of us is not a single idiot”

“You’re not an idiot, anything but”

“I am single though” “And I’m sure I won’t be won’t be for long" she said as she flicked her hand against his forearm “Oh, I don’t know about that” “I’m sure of it, you’re a great catch, you could have anyone you want”

“Not the one I want, though” he mumbled “What was that?” “I don’t want anyone, though,” he said, speaking up, “Does he treat you well?”

“Yes, very much”

“Good” he looked up and saw the waiter coming “Our drinks and food are here”. He really wanted to change the subject

They spent the rest of the time catching up on their every day, their families, talking about what movies or series they were watching, making jokes about each other. He paid their check even though she protested and they said their goodbyes, she said while nervously moving “Thanks for coming out, today was really important. You know I care about you a lot and I really hope we can keep being friends” 

“I care a lot about you too, honey, of course we can be friends. Even if you date guys with ugly names”’ he replied shrugging

She laughed and hugged him  “Chau, Pedri” “Bye, Cami” he said as she walked away and picked up her phone from her purse. 

He really just wanted to jump off a bridge, feeling the cold water hit him like a brick when landing would have hurt less than his whole being right now. She was moving on and he was not. Three weeks later, they had only texted twice. Once after a game. He had scored again and she had watched. She complimented him. And he sent her a picture of a meme he thought she would find funny, and he was right.  Almost every other day Pedri thought about her with her new guy. Who was that asshole? Why was he the one getting to kiss her? To be with her? To make her laugh in private? Why can’t it be him? Why were things outside of his control fucking up his happiness? It was Wednesday night and she texted him. <Hey Pedri! Are you going to Sira’s get-together? she invited me>

< Hey Cami. I’m planning to> <oh, cool! at least I’ll have more than just Ferran and Sira as people I know at the thing>

<It’s me, the dude you know. 😛 I’ll see you there. Should be fun>

< haha.for sure, and we get to hang out>

< looking forward to it>

< 🙂 bye> <later>

This interaction made his head spin. Was Cami going to be there with the dude with the ugly name? Or by herself? Why did she care if he was there? But the first thing he thought was “I need a new outfit for it”

     That Friday, he got to Sira’s place, new outfit on. She opened the door and he gave her a gift bag with booze as a thank-you gift for inviting him. They said hellos with the customary two kisses and he met Ferran right after. He didn’t see Camila right away when he scanned the room but he thought he would see her at any minute because he came fashionably late and she was always on time for everything. He sat down with Ferran and Eric, who was there too, and talked as they all had a beer. After talking and joking around for a bit, he noticed her. She was coming in from the kitchen by herself with a drink in hand. It had been over four months since they broke it off, and nothing had changed about the way he felt about her. He was still in love. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, he was freaking out. She came by herself. He splashed himself with cold water and fixed his hair, he didn’t know how else to make himself more comfortable and less pathetic. He came out of the bathroom to find her in the hall. 

“ Pedri!” she shouted “ I hadn’t seen you! When did you come in?” “A while ago”

“You can never come to parties on time, can you?” she said in slight slurred voice

He laughed “ I guess not” “Let me go to the bathroom, but wait for me here”

“Here?” 

“Is anyone waiting for you?” she said frowning

“Besides Eric and Ferran? No” he replied raising his eyebrow

“They don’t count”

“Definitively not, then”

“Then stay here, don’t get lost”

He did not move, he didn’t know what to think, he was confused but his heart was racing from just getting this much attention from her.

She came out of the bathroom and said, “Let’s go get a beer and go out to the balcony. I have gossip to tell”

“What?” “You heard me, come on!” she said almost stumbling on her words They went to the kitchen to get some Estrella Damm beers. She pulled him by holding his hand to get to the balcony, it looked down at the patio at Sira’ house, which was lit and landscaped by a professional, no one else was hanging out there. Everything was getting more confusing for him. She let go of his hand and leaned into the edge. “It’s so pretty here, Sira’s lucky. My balcony just looks at the street” she said and had a good amount of beer from her bottle. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at her and realized she was trying to get drunk, fast, on purpose. “Don’t drink so fast, honey, unless you want to go home early”

“Oh, whatever. Don’t you want to know the gossip?”

“Let’s hear it”

“I broke up with Unai” 

“Oh, fuck. Are you okay?”

“I’m great, actually. I don’t think I was as into him as much as I thought. Or maybe I’m just a cold bitch”

“Or maybe he just sucked”

“And the sex wasn’t that good”

“No surprise with that ugly ass name”

She laughed and flicked his arm

He smiled. He was happy to hear the news. Best news since she decided to text him again. He hated the idea of someone else being with her. He didn’t own her or anybody else but he was happy there wasn’t going to be another guy kissing her and calling her at bedtime to say good night before she went to sleep.

“Have you been with anyone?” she asked looking towards the garden leaning towards the balcony again putting her beer on the ledge.

“Not really” he said as he leaned into the balcony looking at her; placing his beer on the ledge as well.

“Not even a one night stand?” she said now looking at him “No” “There’s no way, you were such a low-key fuck boy before we started dating, no te creo.”  ( I don’t believe you)

“No, de verdad que no”  (No, the truth is no)

“Why?”

“ 'Cause”

“ 'Cause of me?”

He sighed, “Yea”

Camila bit her lip and smiled, she got closer to where he was until she was in his space

“What would you say if I said I want you to fuck me?”

“I would say you’re drunk” he replied

“And you’re not?”

“No, and even if I were, I wouldn’t fuck you while you’re drunk”

“You don’t want to fuck me?” “You wouldn’t want me if you weren’t drunk” “I would” “I think you should stop drinking now and leave it that”

“I want you to kiss me, take my clothes off and fuck me, Pedri” she said in a low voice “Cami, I’m not going to. I’m going home. I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll come to your place tomorrow and we’ll talk about it. But not like this.” he insisted

“No, please, don't leave”  she said grabbing his hand “ Cami, I’m going, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow” he said caressing her free hand with his other hand, a bit of sadness peaking through his eyes. “Can you at least kiss me?” she begged He cupped her cheeks with his hands and gave her a small kiss. He left the balcony to excuse himself from leaving the party. Camila just looked at him leave, not knowing what to do next.

Pedri got into his car and just looked at the dashboard lights. “Joder!” he screamed. He tugged his hair and groaned “¡Que hostia, carajo!”. Everything he wanted just happened in the worst way possible. Did she really mean it? or was she just lonely? horny? Did she love him? a bit? or at all? Right now, he just wanted to get home and sleep it off. Tomorrow they had the last training before Sunday’s game.

          The next day after training he was driving towards her apartment, he had texted that he was on his way and she sent him a thumbs up in return. His hands on the steering wheel were sweating and fidgety. He was thinking of two possible scenarios;  she still feels the same or last night was a mistake. He was trying to prepare himself on how we would react to either of them because what he really wanted to do is say he loved her the same way he did before, the same as always, kiss her, make love to her, and be hers forever but wouldn’t dare, couldn’t. Not unless she showed interest. He played loud reggaeton to calm and distract himself.

           Camila buzzed him in. He went up the stairs and was met with an open door and her head and half her body sticking out waiting for him. “Hola” he said as he got closer to her door. “ Hola” she replied and stepped back to let him in. Pedri gave her one kiss on each cheek and asked her “ How’s the hangover?”

“It’s okay now. This morning? Not so much” Camila replied

“Lesson learned?” he said while he fidgeted with his fingers behind his back.

“Oh, please” she chuckled. “Should we sit down?”

He nodded

They sat down in her small couch in her studio apartment, small golden rays from the hour of late sunshine coming in between the white curtains from her balcony that faces the street

She sighed “Te pido perdón por lo de anoche” (I want to apologize for last night ) she stayed silent for a moment while looking at him looking for any reaction

“It’s okay” he said quietly after the awkward silence

 “I’m sure that made you uncomfortable, and if we’re to be friends, that’s not cool”

“We all have said and done things when we’re drunk that we don’t mean really mean”

“It’s not about meaning it or not, I shouldn’t have said that while I was drunk”

“Wait what?”

“I’m sorry, I've just missed you”

“ I miss you every day, Camila” “You never act like it, though” she said holding her own hands

“But I do, I just wanted to respect you and your wishes. I didn’t want to ruin the chance to be your friend. I care about you too much” “Fuck” She said as he pulled her knees toward her torso and wrapped her arms around them, she sighed “What did you mean when you said ‘it's not about meaning it or not?’” asked Pedri

“Um…” she lowered her legs and shifted her body towards him ” ‘cause I did mean it, I wanted to sleep with you”  she said “Oh…were you feeling lonely or something?” “No, I miss being with you, Pedri” That’s all he had been wanting to hear, just a hint of wanting, of interest, of love, just an excuse.

He acted almost on instinct, didn’t wait, didn’t ask;  his lips landed on hers, letting his lips feel her to remember what it was like to kiss her. The kiss from the night before was so fast and full of nerves that he didn’t get to feel the kiss, or how she reacted to it, that wasn’t happening now. She let out a lil' approving hum contrived in her mouth and she opened her mouth a bit so that she could feel her lips eat his. He pulled her in by wrapping his arms around her as he deepened the kiss with his tongue. He had been starved of her for all these months, he would be damned if he didn’t take this opportunity to have her, so show her his love. She tilted her head and let her tongue savor every inch of his mouth as she held onto the back of his neck. She felt him pulling her in even more, chest almost touching, her legs open to make room for him. He unwrapped himself to touch her hair, gave her one last small peck, and said “ We can sleep together tonight if you want”, giving her another kiss. 

“I want to, obviously” she said as she caressed his face with her finger and gave him another kiss.

“I don’t have condom, though” he said in between kisses

“I think I do. In my nightstand. You wanna come to bed?” she replied 

He nodded

The bed was hidden behind a vintage hand-painted divider between the couch and the bed, so they went around to the bed where he sat while she looked through her nightstand’s drawer

He looked around, she lives in a studio that somehow she managed to make cozy, styled in a sophisticated but simple manner. Kind of like her, an amazingly beautiful woman, who’s smart yet unassuming and was never full of herself,on the contrary, quite sensitive with a simple yet classy sense of style and self. He loved being around her and her things, her vibes again. 

“Found it,” she said, showing the wrapped product off like it was a golden ticket. “but, why are you still wearing all those clothes?” she said with a smirk plastered across her lips.

He chuckled, “I was waiting for you”

She put the condom on top the nightstand “No, sir, you take it off first. It’s not like you’re shy, you get naked in front of dozens of men all the time”

“god, okay” he said. He took his jacket and shirt off showing her his athletic physique. He looked up at her, looking to be desired. He hadn’t been with anyone in almost five months and he wanted to, needed to be desired.

She got close to him, still standing next to the bed, placed her hands on his shoulder and caressed them and his chest “You’re so hot, it’s unfair” she said as she sat down next to him, as he smiled. 

“You’re turn, bonita”. She was wearing a short skater dress with string sleeves and a cardigan. She took off the cardigan, slipped the sleeves off, and took the whole thing off while he looked on, staring at her while she was only wearing her tiny panties. 

“Eres hermosa, no me cansaría nunca de mirarte quitarte la ropa” (You’re beautiful, I would never get tired of looking at you take your clothes off)

She went over to hover over him, reaching for his belt and pants. She commanded him to take it all off and so he did. 

He went in for her mouth while his hand slipped in between her panties and her slit, feeling her wetness, he rubbed her up and down then went for her clit, drawing circles on it. She let a few small moans die in his mouth.

“I want you, now, please” she said

He reached over the condom, his cock was throbbing hard. He slid in the condom on saying “I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. I might not last as much as we both want to”

“I don't care, I just want you inside, please” she said laying down, taking off her panties. 

He kissed her again, and got himself lined up in between her legs, he slid his member up and down her slit getting her juices all over his dick. She moaned and whined with “baby” when he did. He thrust himself inside her and then again slowly, to get adjusted and to not hurt her. She was so wet it went right in without any resistance. He was beside himself, she was the prettiest girl and she was under him taking him in. He kept his thrusting steady as he felt a warmness in his chest and cock at the same time, he never wanted and loved anyone so much in his young life. 

“ I love you” he said as he kept giving it to her and kissing her  “dios— so much” he said between breaths,

She opened her eyes, taken out from her pleasure trance, and said “Sit down”

He kissed her cheek, got off her, and followed her orders. She got on his lap, held his hard and wet member with her hand and put the tip inside herself, then slid into it, they both hissed at the overwhelming feeling. She started riding his dick with intent. In between moans, groans, and breaths she asked

“Do you still love me?”

“god, yes” he said looking up at her

“ Do you love being- joder, que rico- inside me?” (fuck, so good). She felt him getting even harder inside her

“It’s my favorite place to be” he answered pulling her closer to him 

Resting her forehead on his she asked  “Are you going to come for me?”

“Yes”  

“Now?”

“Almost”

He helped her go faster with his hands on her hips as her juices flooded his cock and part of his inside thighs. “Do you love me?” he asked kissing her neck

“I love you so much” she let out a desperate little moan “ I want you to come for me”

 He couldn't hold it much longer, her words were putting him over the edge

“Me voy a correr” (I’m going to come) he said as her riding got faster and harder, feeling the friction of his cock riding up against her walls.

“Come for me, baby” she said, riding him until he was a mess of groans and whines feeling his cock twitch inside her. He let out a loud moan and let his body collapse against hers, his face landing on her chest, breathing like he just had sprinted across the pitch. “Joder, te amo tanto” (Fuck, I love you so much).

She hugged him and peppered his cheek with kisses.  “yo también, amor”. (me too, love)

“Lay down for me” he said as he tried to calm himself down from his high. He took his condom off, knotted it, and threw it on the floor while she moved to rest on her pillows. He told her to open her legs as he went in to eat her out, not wanting her to go unsatisfied. Pedri sucked, touched, licked and teased her clit and core until she was begging him to keep going, to not stop, she was so close. He looked up at her, while he kept fingering her hole and licking her clit, met her eyes staring down at him, mouth open only being able to make noises. Camila came on Pedri’s mouth just as he wanted, screaming “sí, Pedri, sí”,  his mouth and chin full of her. He wiped his face with his fingers, and while she looked at him unable to catch her breath yet, he licked his fingers clean and said “You always taste so good, Cami”. Camila let an embarrassed giggle out and said “Come here, Pedro Gonzalez!”  while signaling for him to come on top of her. She kissed him, tasting herself all over his mouth. He moved next to her, and laid there looking at her, the happiest he had been in months.

Camila ran her fingers through Pedri’s hair, styling his messy waves, “Can you stay the night?” she inquired.

“Only if I can stay over tomorrow night after the game and the day after that too” replied Pedri, caressing her naked hips.

“Only if I can stay at your place the rest of the week” she said 

“Deal” Pedri said and gave her a small and soft peck on the lips. 

       The last game of the season was coming up, and Pedri had asked Camila to come and sit with his family to see his game and join the La Liga trophy celebrations. They had guaranteed the league title win two matches before. Pedri and Cami had kept their reunion on the download, telling only friends and family. When he sat down to ask her, he gave her a mini-speech about how much he loved her and respected her wishes to be private but he really wanted to share this important moment with her at Camp Nou, his first league as champions. Camila didn’t need a lot of convincing, she had been thinking about it since they had the mathematical win of La Liga. “I’ll be there, next to Fer” she told Pedri, she was ready. He gave her a long hug, kissing her neck. He loved her and wanted everyone to know she was his girl, he wanted to share everything with her, including this very important but public moment in his life.

The whistle blew on their last game and all the players ran to the pitch, jumping and celebrating. The first league title for Fc Barcelona since Messi left, since the 2018-19 season. Camila sat next to Fer and Pedri’s parents. They all talked, laughed, and got excited during the game. Fer was making Cami laugh during the game trash-talking against the rival team, Celta Fc, and at one point said, “You wait, I’m going to tell Pedri he was shit for missing that goal opportunity”. Cami laughed and said, “Don’t you dare, Fernando!”. People had already seen Camila with Pedri’s family and fan pictures and videos were already being shared on social media, although she noticed some phones pointed at her, she decided that these things were not going to affect her today, today was Pedri’s day and she was focused on being happy.

There was Pedri trying to look up at where his family was, waving towards them. The trophy and celebration decor were being put up and the players went to change into the champion's shirts. “We’re going down after they present them with the trophy, going down to the pitch, ok?” said Fer 

“Okay” said Cami giving him a thumbs up and wink.

After the trophy was presented and Xavi, Busi, and Alba gave speeches, they played music on the speakers, and families were cued to come down. They went down along with Ferran Torres' family and Sira. Sira covered her mouth and whispered, “Pedri is really excited you're here, you can see it on his face”. Camila just smiled and looked up to see if she could also see him. She saw him jogging down to meet them. He first gave his mom and dad a big hug and then met Fer who also gave him a hug. Camila was just a few steps behind. Pedri pulled away and his eyes met with Camila's. He couldn’t believe how pretty she looked, wearing an Fc Barcelona jersey, her hair down, red lips, and a big smile on her face.

“Hola, mi amor” (Hello, my love) he said as he went to hug her

“Hola, bello”  (Hello, beautiful boy) she said as she embraced his hug

“Felicidades, campeón” (Congratulation, Champion) she said as she pulled back to look at him

“Thank you, honey” he said smiling and gave her a small kiss on her lips.

She gave him another hug. “Come on, let’s go take a picture with the trophy” said Pedri The whole family took a few pictures and he also asked for a picture just with Camila. She looked up at the stands and saw there were thousands of people still in there. The team, along with the families, went around the whole stadium waving and celebrating with the fans. After walking with his parents Pedri walked towards Camila again, who was goofing around with Sira, Ferran, Eric, and Gavi, and held her hand. 

“Thanks for coming, Cami” he said covering his mouth with his free hand “I love you”

She looked at him and smiled, her eyes sparkling with joy, without covering her mouth she said “ I love you too”. They finished doing the lap and they all went to the tunnel. He said bye to his family. “I’ll see you later at home, yea?” he said to Camila “Vale, nos vemos en casa.” (Okay, see you at home) she said, gave him a kiss and walked away with his family The video of Camila and Pedri's moment on the pitch went viral, people had figured out she had said “I love you too” by reading her lips. The reaction was positive, unlike last time. She wasn’t going to be negatively harassed en mass like before. Pedri was so happy while changing in the dressing room, he had a stupid grin on his face, it meant as much as the league trophy to have had her there that night. The boys celebrated even more in the dressing room and he just sat down on a bench, laughed, and sang, getting hugs and cheek kisses from his teammates, thinking how lucky he was. It had been 7 months since Camila had walked out of his house, to turn his happy life into a miserable one and now he was the happiest man in Barcelona. He had his Cami and her love. No one else to claim her, to kiss her, to call her, to hug her, to miss her, only him, to love her, love her, love her.

[silverynight]

The roommate

<--Previous

Part XXV

He's with Katsuki when the nightmare wakes him up with a jolt; his boyfriend asks if he's alright and looks more concerned than he should so Izuku doesn't tell him details about his bad dream.

Katsuki pulls him into his arms, gives him a kiss on the forehead and waits until Izuku falls asleep again.

Izuku thought he would forget the nightmare the next morning, but it's still there in his mind by the time Shoto arrives; he throws Katsuki a look so he doesn't mention anything, the blond pro hero rolls his eyes but nods.

But it's still in his mind; the villain was a woman in his dream and she liked blood and knives. Izuku has to shake his head a couple of times in order to calm himself down.

He's a bit jumpy at work, he gets startled a couple of times when his coworkers try to ask him a few questions about gear and even though Izuku tries to make it seem like nothing happened they look at him with concern the whole day.

"Are you alright, Midoriya?"

They've been more worried about him lately because this is not the first time they ask him that and now he regrets making them believe it's all about his boyfriends.

He has no idea what the right strategy is anymore; the villain could be anyone, but thinking like that the whole time could make him paranoid and he needs to be at his best if he wants the mission to be a success.

Now he kinda understands the amount of pressure his boyfriends go through everyday.

"I'm fine!"

It's like that answer makes them worry even more.

***

Izuku looks at Kana's phone number every now and then; he wonders if he should send her a text, but maybe it's too soon for that.

As the day to go to that particular shopping center approaches, his boyfriends grow tense, although they don't tell him to give up, which he appreciates.

However, since he doesn't want to make them feel even worse, Izuku has chosen not to tell them about his own concerns too, which is kinda difficult for him; they're the only people he tells almost everything and now he can't even speak to them about his own nightmares and worries.

Sometimes Izuku wishes for everything to end quickly.

Although they don't stop showing him affection; they're even more affectionate now because Izuku knows they fear for his safety. Hagakure has told him that they're more tense than usual, even inside the agency, especially when Yaoyorozu asks them stuff about the mission.

Izuku makes them breakfast for a couple of days and gives them a lot of kisses before they leave for work to make them feel better and show them how much he appreciates them and loves them.

It certainly cheers them up, although they can't stop getting worried.

***

It's that day of the week again. Both Shoto and Katsuki give him extra hugs and kisses that day even though they don't say anything to him.

But Izuku knows they're worried.

Hagakure sends him a text informing him she's going to be following him and Izuku feels a lot better after reading it.

He makes a list of things they genuinely need from the grocery store and decides to focus on just that, like he would on a normal day.

It's alright. It'll be fine.

Izuku's coworkers keep looking at him with concern, but he doesn't have the energy nor the time to worry about that then. He gets ready and keeps his phone close the whole time.

He's not sure why he's so nervous that day; last time it went well and Kana was obviously kind to him.

But there's something about her... Izuku can't put his finger on it.

"Midoriya! I'm so glad to see you here again!" Kana startles him; she approaches him almost the moment he walks in the store.

"Hi! Yeah, me too!" Izuku smiles, hoping it looks genuine; he starts walking towards the noodles. He keeps doing what he came to do while she follows him.

"Are you still with them?"

"You mean my boyfriends? Of course!"

Kana looks disappointed, but she doesn't say a thing about it, which Izuku appreciates.

"You'll see the light soon."

Izuku swallows the uncomfortable sensation he feels and does the groceries as if nothing weird is going on.

"Now that you're done, you have to come with me! Come on! I want to buy a dress!"

"Sure," Izuku nods, telling himself than under any other circumstances he'd be glad to help someone choose an outfit, especially if they have been through a difficult situation. He likes to help people.

Fortunately, they stay in the shopping center and in fact, walk in a shop very close to the store they were in.

He feels better when he gets another text message from Hagakure, confirming she's still following them, while Kana is in the dressing room.

When she gets out wearing a new dress, she grins from ear to ear the moment she sees something over Izuku's shoulder.

"Midoriya, I want you to meet my best friend, Toga Himiko."

"You're so pretty!" The blond girl says then. Izuku thinks she's talking to her friend, but she then takes his hand and kisses the back of it while blushing. "You can call me Himiko."

Izuku moves his hand away, not knowing why he's so anxious out of the sudden. Toga has a very intense way of looking at him.

"Well, I'll leave so you can spend time together!" Izuku smiles, desperate to get home.

"No, please!" Toga grabs one of his arms and stares at him dreamily; she keeps fluttering her eyelashes at him. Kana keeps smiling at both of them. "I want to know you better! Let's get an ice cream!"

Izuku agrees reluctantly; he wants to leave, but he's aware that this could be an important development for the mission; perhaps through Kana's friend he can get to know her better and make sure Kana is not working for the villain.

He really hopes she's not.

***

You can read Part XXVI, Part XXVII, Part XXVIII and Part XXIX on my patreon already.

Patreon

[callme-whatyoulike]

The Sound

Hellooo. This came to me after I read an old text from a once very important someone (unhealthy coping mechanisms, I know, don't do what I do lol) So, one of the lines in this little story is something straight from a previous romance of mine. It was too sweet not to use, even if it stings a little now. Anyway. Lots of fluff up in here. Hope you enjoy, byeee ♡♡

It's late. Very late. Matty fell asleep a long time ago. I've slept with him too many times to count now, so I can tell from the change in his breathing. It's slower, heavier, now. Slower and heavier than it usually is, anyway. His arms are pulling me close to him, although his grip is much more loose than it was earlier.

I've been awake for hours. Another restless night. My mind is racing, but it's barely thinking. Leaping incredible feats but finding no final destination. It's all just very...loud. Panicked.

But I don't want to wake Matty up just to tell him that my brain is being too much to handle right now. I glance at the clock on the nightstand. 2:24 AM. Yeah; waking him up is out of the question.

Instead, I resort to staying quiet, staying awake, trying to focus on the rise and fall of Matty's chest against my back, hoping it'll calm me down from this ridiculous anxiety I'm having. Wishing it away sooner because I know once I sleep, I'll feel better in the morning. The night and the darkness always seem to bring unwanted thoughts.

No such luck, though. I carefully turn to lay on my other side, praying it doesn't wake him. He's a surprisingly light sleeper.

I close my eyes and try to drown everything else out, shifting downward and resting my forehead on his chest. I wrap my arms around him as best and as carefully as I can. My heart is pounding against my chest.

Matty inhales deeply. His arm shifts around me. "You okay, darling?" he asks, his voice low and groggy.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"'S'alright." His arm moves again, his hand reaching for my hair and brushing it behind my ear. "You been awake awhile?"

"I guess you could say that."

He hums. "What's on your mind?"

"Who says there's anything?"

He continues playing with my hair. "I like to think I know you pretty well," he says, echoing a line of his from a previous late night. I can hear the slight smile in his voice. "And when you can't sleep-" he taps my temple lightly "-it means there's a lot going on up here."

I sigh. He's right.

"There's too much," I say.

"Just give me a little."

I sigh. Trace the curve of his arm as he fidgets with my hair some more.

"I'm thinking mostly of you. Or us, I suppose."

"Mm-hm."

"I don't...often have much luck. In relationships. I worry so much about messing up or losing people, that I forget to just...be with them." I pause, seeing if he'll reply. He doesn't. He knows I have more to say.

"And you. You're special. It took us so long to get here. And I know you so well, now."

"What do you know about me, now?" he asks, his voice quiet and tired, but curious.

I think for a moment. "I know you like sad movies. And sunrises. I know you hate how messy your hair is in the mornings, even though it looks the same."

"It does not," he laughs.

"It does!" I protest. "I know...when you're sad, you get really quiet. It doesn't happen often." I bury my head deeper into his chest. "I've learned how your breathing changes when you've fallen asleep. I've memorized the sound of your heartbeat."

He's still messing with my hair, only slower now. He plants a kiss on the top of my head. "If you know me so well, what's there to worry about?"

"I worry about knowing you this well and losing you anyway." I sigh once more. "It happens. And it's paralyzing, that fear of becoming a stranger to someone who's held your very soul in their hands. To someone who you've told that you're afraid of becoming a stranger to them."

"I've held your soul, hm?"

"Might as well have. I'd never tell anyone else this," I replied, matter-of-factly.

"You don't have to worry about losing me, darling," he finally replies. "I may have held your soul in my hands, but you've stolen all of me away. I'm entirely at your mercy."

He seems to contemplate what I've said. He stops messing with my hair and instead resorts to running his hand up and down my back. Something about it is calming, and I feel myself melt into him impossibly more.

We've had a similar conversation to this before. That night feels so long ago, now. We hardly knew each other then, only that we were dying to be together. It feels silly that we skirted around the idea for so long, even after that night. I guess good things take time.

"That's awful dramatic," I tease.

"Drama can be truthful." He shifts back, looking down at me. He grabs my hand and leads it to his chest, where I can feel his heartbeat. It's fast, much like mine.

He says very quietly, "My whole heart is reserved for you. Forever and always."

Yet again, I believe him. A nagging in my brain says it's dangerous to believe the things he says. Only gets you hurt if things go up in flames. But I manage to shove that thought aside. Instead, I kiss him softly.

I pull away. "I really am sorry for waking you up."

"Love, you can wake me anytime." He's staring at me through tired eyes but with that same intensity he always has. Like he's actually looking at me. Everything that I am; holding my soul in his hands.

Not knowing what else to do, what else to say, I tell him, "Well, I've woken you this time. You should get back to sleep. You look tired." He smiles and plants one more kiss on my lips. He turns to lay on his back and pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me tightly. His breathing starts to get heavier.

I close my eyes and finally settle into the tiredness I had been awaiting for hours. My mind is quieter. Quiet enough to sleep.

But then Matty's hand moves and rests on my chest, similar to where mine was on his earlier. Right where he can feel my heartbeat.

Before we both drift off, he says very quietly and very sincerely, "I know the sound of your heart, too."

[amadeusgame]

July Devlog - Amadeus: A Riddle for Thee ~ Episode 1 ~ Waltz

Quick overview of all changes/updates implemented this month:

MUSIC: wrote almost all remaining music for Episode 1, and recorded some live parts for certain tracks

MYSTERY: created a "glossary" menu in the backlog notebook for reference (including things like the terms of the Witch's deal, etc)

SAVE/LOAD: system can now handle loading from multiple "progression points" within each scene

AUDIO IMPLEMENTATION: code for seamless audio looping (with reverb tail) exists now and works

TEXT SYSTEM: scrolling text can now support rich text codes, including font style changes mid-text

POINT-AND-CLICK SYSTEM: there is now a visual change to the background image when hovering over an interactible object

UI DESIGN: started reformatting main menu - still in progress

The rest of this development log is a lot more personal than usual, and is quite long. This month has been a lot, and I want to talk about how that impacted my ability to work on this game.

Read on below the cut.

More on Amadeus: linktr.ee/amadeusgame

The fact I have still done so much is a testament to how much this game means to me, and how much it helps to acknowledge when I just can't do what I planned to do and need to re-prioritize.

I was severely set back this month because of health issues. This resulted in a compounded setback because the health issues made me more easily frustrated by life in general, so any development issues ballooned into perceived catastrophes.

I eventually identified that I was really stuck on a few particular aspects of the finalfinal-final-forrealfinal vision for the game:

Design - I hadn't sat down with my overall art direction since finishing the demo. It was still feeling rather demo-y from a design perspective and I became self-conscious about this. On the other hand, I was really stressed about whether changing anything about the design philosophy this late would create exponentially more work for me as an artist, and feeling like I might have to choose between quality and finishing.

Narrative - although I'd written Episode 1 in full, I wanted to do more foreshadowing of much-later reveals. As I started considering how to do this, I began to worry about being so heavy-handed with it that I would give everything away and completely undermine the whole project before it gets going. I was too afraid of striking the right balance to make any actual progress.

Build/Implementation - a lot of mechanics were still buggy, and in addition to fixing them, I still needed to do a lot of tedious and very manual work to build the remaining scenes of the game. This work felt so mind-numbing that I had no desire to do it, and yet it still needed to be done. A perfectly demotivating combination.

Over-fragmentation - at this point in the game's development, the fact that all of my tasks for it were separated by category in Asana ("art"/"audio"/"mechanics," etc) made it difficult to see the dependencies in how these all come together, which in turn made it difficult to manage the remaining tasks to ship the game. It seemed like my to-do lists were all invisibly interconnected and felt impossible to track progress.

Once I realized I was stuck, and was stressed out by my to-do list but not actually working on it, I ignored my actual planned tasks for that week and gave myself a new assignment of figuring out how to get un-stuck and feel less overwhelmed. This mostly came in the form of asking friends for advice. It also involved following my own advice I love to give other people, which is "acknowledge when a system isn't working for you and change it." I went from feeling frustrated, lost, demotivated, and stressed to really excited after some self-reflection and 2 conversations.

Over-fragmentation

...Technically 3 conversations, as the fragmentation issue was solved thanks to an earlier conversation I had last month with a different friend about my narrative workflow. After talking with her, I started using Notion to manage the writing side of things. I built out different projects for each particular scene so I could have not just the text embedded, but also additional notes on metanarrative information, links to BGM inspirations, checklists, and more. This was something I did just to make it easier to finish writing the full script of the game, and it was definitely a game changer (hah).

I initially built it out as a writing tool, but now that the game is in the final stages of development, I find it is useful to think about all of my remaining tasks like this. It helps to consider them holistically in terms of the multimedia scene(s) they relate to, not as discrete and disconnected art/audio/mechanics needs. Once I realized this, I spent a weekend migrating all of my Asana checklists into the scene-based projects I'd already made in Notion. This was a lot of work, but it is now much easier to see a direct path from the current state of Amadeus to a finished game. And it gives me achievable goals on the way there: discrete checklists for finishing individual scenes, which are playtest-able while I work on the rest!

(I still use Asana to manage big picture stuff as well as recurring reminders and what I plan to do each week, but the specific tasks pertaining to the build of Amadeus Episode 1 all live in Notion now.)

Narrative

To address my narrative bottleneck I first had to get over the thought that spoiling my narrative to a particular friend would ruin it for them. Once I actually asked them if they'd like to be Amadeus Spoiler Friend #2 (because I was desperate and knew I needed more help workshopping the narrative), they were so enthusiastic I regretted not asking them several months earlier. We set up a voice call, I told them everything, and we bounced ideas on certain Very Important Topics.

I know that the more I have figured out from the very outset, the stronger the whole series will be; so I am very excited about this.

This friend also asked some questions that I hadn't thought to ask myself before (even though, in retrospect, they seem obvious) - and answering those questions gave me solid direction for finishing this installment in a way that's fun and also should pay off really well later. Then after our conversation they also offered to proofread certain sneaky things I am doing from the lens of their Forbidden Knowledge.

Talking to them has made me feel much better about my reveal/foreshadowing pacing, and I have someone I can ask directly about my "is this too on-the-nose" concerns, which helps a ton. Also, it just felt good to hear someone say "oohhhh, that's really cool!" about something I can't talk about until way later, because I THINK SO TOO I'M GLAD YOU ALSO THINK SO.

Build/Implementation

As for build issues, I talked to a friend (listen, the power of friendship got me through this month, I'm not going to lie) who is a career game developer, and who previously worked in Unity although he doesn't anymore. I used to worked with him on game jam games... the first of which was in 2016... when I was fresh out of undergrad composing exclusively in MuseScore. In a roundabout way, it's partially thanks to him that I eventually built a portfolio to go to grad school, which in turn got me to make Amadeus and also become a (much worse) Unity developer myself. Funny how things work out.

Anyway, I really enjoyed talking to him. He is non-judgmental - he knows I've taken exactly one Unity/C# course and have learned the rest by trial, error, and StackExchange.

He gave the best possible advice for where I am currently at in development: since I've built almost everything, even if I've done it with the world's jankiest spaghetti, the most important thing right now is to Just Finish It. But once it's done, we're going to have another call where we can discuss how to refactor everything to make my life a million times easier making Episode 2.

But it wasn't all about planning for Episode 2. He also helped me identify how I can slightly tweak some of my existing structure to automate more things that I've been doing incredibly manually. We effectively made a list of "here are the things to do NOW to make things simpler, and here are the things that are not worth fixing at this stage but we can talk about for Episode 2." (Example of a quick NOW fix: instead of dragging a reference to my Menu Settings script to every single slider and button in my menu, just have a script in the parent for all of those menu sliders/buttons that automatically grabs the sliders and buttons in its children and assigns it that reference. Then I only have to assign the reference ONCE to the parent. Seems so obvious now! I need to be doing a lot more stuff in scripts to just make my own life easier.)

In the grand scheme, though, that advice wasn't the most helpful thing he told me by a long shot.

In our conversation, since he is a developer who chose that career because he enjoys it, he started talking about focusing on what I LIKE about building the game. When I open Unity, what do I find fun, and want to do more of? Obviously I should also take note of the major pain points so we can reduce the amount of time I have to deal with them in future episodes; but he also told me to pay attention to what I really like to do.

I'm going to be completely honest. I'd completely forgotten that building the game itself was something that was, at one point, fun. When I was first building the game, it involved a ton of interesting problem-solving. It was asking myself "I wonder if I can figure out how to do this..." and being excited when the answer was "yes." It was showing off by doing way beyond what the Unity class homework assignment asked. It STOPPED being fun after I'd built all of the baseline mechanics I wanted to use, and then my to-do list slowly - so slowly I didn't realize it was happening - shifted from "stuff I want to build," into "stuff I think other people will want me to implement."

And while many of these mechanics are indeed important and good, it is not particularly motivating to build mechanics just because I think someone else will want me to build them. For the past several months I have been programming for other people and not for myself.

I really, really appreciate this next bit of advice this developer friend gave me. He prefaced it by saying "now I don't usually advise people to increase scope, but..." and that's how you know it's good advice! It is clearly tailored to ME and what I find motivating. His point was: this is MY game. I'm building it entirely myself. So if there's anything that I'm curious about, anything that's made me think, "hmmm, I wonder if I can figure out how to do this?" - then I should just do that. It's my game, I'm not building it for anyone else. I can build stupid mechanics for no reason. I can, and should, try building stuff just because it would be cool.

And that was so incredibly motivating. I actually HAD been thinking of a particular "what-if" mechanic, a mechanic I'd actually literally said "man, it would be cool if..." to my writer friend in our conversation from a few days earlier! But I'd given up on it because it seemed not as important as other things I "should" be working on. This new advice gave me permission to prioritize self-indulgence, not just in writing/art/direction/music, but in the programming of the game itself. There's a reason I am making a game, and not another form of media! I find the process of building the (janky) mechanics myself fun, interesting, and rewarding! It lets me play with the part of my brain that watches math YouTube videos for fun, in addition to the part of my brain that likes making music that goes dugga dugga and drawing pretty pictures.

Opening up the engine and writing code is supposed to be something that makes me feel like a cackling evil wizard, not a bored and frustrated person going through the motions because they have to. There is no obligation. I am making this because I want to make a game.

Soooo after this conversation I immediately built three things that I'm really happy with.

Text now supports rich text codes, which means I can be REALLY tacky with fonts and colors and all sorts of stuff.

(Obligatory this-is-a-WIP disclaimer but the finished game will probably be comparable in terms of how much psychic damage it deals to graphic designers.)

Now, Unity's TextMeshPro supports rich text by default, so you may be wondering why I haven't been doing this all along. Two reasons: one, I didn't realize that until recently. Two, the way my text-auto-scroll mechanic worked was NOT compatible with this. I had to completely re-work the entire logic of that mechanic so that it wouldn't also visibly type out the characters " <style= " in the textbox. But after making the necessary changes, which was a headache but it's fine I figured it out finally, I HAVE BEEN HAVING SO MUCH MORE FUN IMPLEMENTING TEXT!

BGM with a reverb tail can now loop seamlessly, which I really wanted for a very important later scene I've been working on.

This was one of those things I'd been putting off as a "nice-to-have" and figured I shouldn't spend time on until I finished working on "essential" stuff, but after this conversation I decided to just sit down and make it. It was really easy! It only took me like an hour, including time to research! I'm actually really excited about this because I hate basically every audio middleware program in existence (Wwise, I'm looking at you) and it's so much easier and more convenient to just do this in Unity.

In fact, this is pretty much the only script I have that is super generic and not tied up in lots of other Amadeus-specific spaghetti, so if you have a use for it I put it on GitHub here: https://github.com/ArcanaXIX/UnityScripts/

Hovering on interactible objects now visibly changes the appearance of the object, in addition to the existing cursor changes.

Actual implementation needs to be tweaked a lot, but this was my first time using sprite masks in Unity and it was very fun getting it to work. "Background objects visually change on hover" was another mechanic I had been considering for a while, but I was thinking about doing it very manually by rendering a unique sprite for every single interactible and then activating that sprite when it's active. This would require so much extra art and very hands-on implementation, so I had given up on it.

Once I turned it into a question of implementation, it became less manual (I no longer need to redraw every single interactible object) and also a fun challenge to learn more about Unity functionality. The only additional art assets needed are something with roughly the right shape to use as a mask, and then an alternate version of the full background art which can be really easily made by just applying a filter.

Here is the version of that background art that I'm using as a proof-of-concept, which was made in about 2 seconds by just converting the existing image to a 1-bit layer:

I will be experimenting with what exactly I want the highlighted areas to look like, but once I've found a process I like, it will be really easy to just apply that to all of the background images.

After importing the asset, I just added some very simple code to reveal part of this alternate art using sprite masks when you hover over interactible objects. The only detail work using this process is in the sprite masks for each interactible, which don't have to be perfect for it to look good, just approximate. Pretty straightforward and feels good. 

I'm really satisfied by how well it works even as just a functional placeholder - this is with using the "N" key sprite as a mask for testing purposes. I intend to do more than just add a black outline, but again, functional placeholder:

(I'm too lazy to make a GIF, but imagine the window there is brown pencil like everything else until you hover over it and then the black lines appear. I'll definitely be making a new gameplay trailer once this is in better shape, so look forward to that if you want to see it in action.)

Which brings me to...

Design

...except not really! I just needed to realize from my playing around in Unity that "Design" is not a separate and distinct thing that can be tackled independently from implementation. Implementation is a driving force of design. By approaching implementation with joy and excitement, I have also found an avenue to address the game's design needs. I'm going ham with fonts and figuring out what visual direction I want to take the interactible mask layer.

Instead of treating the "design guy" and "implementation guy" in my brain as two coworkers who vaguely dislike interacting with each other, if I imagine them as two coworkers who are both stoked and insane about this project and each other's work, the collaboration becomes really fun. The implementation guy shows the design guy this mechanic they built and the design guy goes "oh, I can have SO much fun with this. I'll be right back with some placeholder assets so we can see what looks good!"

Motivation

I think the actual message of this devlog, at its heart, is exactly the same as last month's. I've just been repeatedly coming to the realization that I keep trying to make a "good" game, by some generic "objective" definition of "good," and it's made me miserable. What I really should be doing is making an incredibly self-indulgent game. That means a game I find fun to build, too!

Amadeus is not going to be a broadly marketable smash success. It has a chance, when it's completely finished, of gaining a cult following by word-of-mouth via people going "you have to just trust me and play all 5 episodes of this. We can't talk about it until you're finished though." But, as its sole author and artist and musician and developer, Amadeus is something that I need to make in a very certain way to prove a point. It's coming entirely from within, and I am absolutely determined to finish it, so I must be self-indulgent.

Let's not get it twisted, though: I don't believe that self-indulgent and good are at odds. Spending a couple days making mechanics for fun actually made the game better! But in a project like this, where my primary goal is personal artistic expression, and my secondary goal is proving I can finish a major project... motivation is the most valuable currency in the universe, and therefore self-indulgence matters more than anything else.

I am speaking so passionately about how motivating it was to talk to people who understand my priorities and are excited about meeting me where I'm at, because without motivation this game would never be finished, and I want to be very honest about the fact that finding ways to stay motivated has been crucial.

I would also like to contrast these motivating conversations with how demotivating it is to receive feedback from folks who, shall we say, are missing the mark on what this game is and seeks to be.

While I sincerely believe that Amadeus: A Riddle for Thee is going to be good, there are a few things to keep in mind about it. These are things that I think are pretty obvious, but just in case they aren't:

It is made by one person.

With a budget of $0 and all of my spare time.

With a very strong professional background in audio, 

And the scrappiest DIY skillset in everything else.

That's not to say it can't still aim to have smoother player experience, to have stronger visual cues, to be better written, to be a better work of art. Those are in fact all things that I have been constantly working toward and seeking feedback to improve, because I do want other people to engage with it and have a positive experience. I am making this to share with other people. But I will occasionally receive feedback that seems to want to steer Amadeus in the direction of your average Kickstarter-funded publisher-backed title with 15 people working on it, and not a solo passion project.

The remainder of this devlog is written as objectively as I can while very demonstrably being upset about it. I debated removing this section entirely, but I think it's important to discuss, because this kind of thing can really impact development when you're a team of one person.

I also know that normally this kind of feedback wouldn't bother me so much, but since I received it after going on 2 weeks of dealing with the onset of a new chronic pain issue (which has been a massive stressor), it utterly tanked my mood.

Dismissive, Demotivating Feedback

I received the following feedback as "things to work on" from an anonymous juror evaluating my game for an indie game event.

When first meeting the witch the dialog is just incredibly long and boring and I ended up skipping through most of it. Given how linear this story seems to be, I think it would be better suited as a webcomic or a motion comic, not a visual novel. The interactivity hinders, rather than helps, in this case.

All due respect: who are you writing this critique for? For me, to make my game better? Or for you, to validate your own preferences? I think the answer to that is clear.

This is an obvious--and egregious--example of particularly demotivating feedback, but since it is real feedback I have really received, I want to talk about it. Specifically, I want to talk about how much it sucks to hear this.

This isn't actionable, unless you count "throw everything away and do something else" as an action worth taking. This makes no attempt to meet me where I'm at or consider my reasons or motivations for making the game as I have. It does not even consider that there may be aspects of the interactivity that are crucial to how the story will unfold; I'll acknowledge that the currently-live demo does not do much to showcase this, but this feedback has already decided that there is no such intention and I've wasted my time making a game.

My actionable feedback is to go make a webcomic instead. It also insists that my writing is boring, but doesn't tell me how to make the Witch dialogue more engaging (which, I have received other feedback from others addressing the same topic, who did give me specific and actionable feedback that has since been implemented). It just tells me that it's boring and they didn't like it.

And what's worse, this was feedback submitted by a juror evaluating my game for an indie games event. This kind of feedback sucks no matter what, even if it's just somebody leaving a public comment. But this is an individual who, in a certain context, was given some manner of influence, authority, and merit; and given this authority and merit, their feedback amounted to, "why did you even make a game?"

The rest of this juror's feedback was similarly dismissive and made it clear they did not like the game. That is understandable. However, it made no attempt to acknowledge that this game does have an audience, even if it's decidedly not this juror. Every single other juror's feedback at least understood that Amadeus has certain priorities and gave feedback that was more or less aligned with those priorities, but this one did not seem to think I've ever so much as had anyone else playtest it. In fact, they effectively said as much:

I get the feeling that this is an experience that makes a perfect amount of sense to the developer but that there hasn't been any attempt made to make it playable for someone who doesn't already know the garden path.

And this is feedback from before I decided to become more self-indulgent! This was the reaction to the game in a state I was actually trying to make even slightly marketable! I suppose in a way it validates my current priorities, because even when I try to prioritize quality over self-indulgence, people like this will still assume I've prioritized self-indulgence and write dismissive feedback about it anyway.

This feedback sucks so much I've dedicated a full segment of my monthly write-up to discussing it. Because as I've already mentioned, when you are one person making an entire and incredibly ambitious game entirely by yourself, motivation is the most valuable currency in the world. In that currency, things like this are expensive.

Further, when you are one person, you are ill equipped to handle things like "100% of your development team suddenly has a new health issue" and can't delegate the role of Accepting Bad Feedback With Grace to someone else in a better mood. I probably wouldn't even be mentioning this if it weren't for the pain that came on this month, but the pain happened and it has tangibly impacted my ability to work on this game, and put me in a place where this kind of feedback was the single last thing I needed to hear.

I know very well what the professional wisdom on this kind of topic is. The professional wisdom is: if feedback hurts, that's because part of it may be true; don't use "it's a solo project" as an excuse for shortcomings of your indie game. If you can't do something, form a team with someone who can cover your weaknesses. The player doesn't care how many people made it, they only care if it's good. Don't whine when people point out that your scrappy indie project feels scrappy.

That's valuable wisdom for someone trying to make a profitable career in games. That's also precisely what I intend to do after I finish Amadeus: take on a more collaborative project with a group of people I trust - we have a tentative team, but I've told them all they have to wait until I've proven I can ship this whole 5-part game. I'm not ready to lead a collaboration until I first finish Amadeus and prove that I know how to manage a project of this scope from beginning to end. Beyond that, of course, it is personally important for me to share Amadeus's story before I worry about other projects.

"Put together a team to cover your weaknesses instead of making excuses" is not valuable wisdom when the entire point of a particular project is that it derives meaning from being one person's vision. That is what Amadeus is. It's far more about expression than quality, even if in my opinion, good expression is quality.

I sought feedback from this indie event because I hoped that indie spaces would understand that "indie" can mean anything from "personal multimedia art piece" to "modest budget and team of folks who quit their AAA careers to follow their passions." I've also really enjoyed attending this particular event myself, and have made meaningful connections with developers who have showcased at it previously. That's a big reason I took this feedback so personally - I had higher expectations that my work would be respected for what it is from this feedback.

Oh well.

At any rate, the lesson I learned from this was not that I should go make a webcomic, or that the music in Amadeus is too dissonant.

(I got that feedback as well, but it's easier to shrug off critiques related to audio because I am extremely confident in my abilities as a musician. I have an ego too big to deflate on that front.)

The lesson I learned from this was that my intentions are always going to be dismissed and misinterpreted by some people. There's nothing I can do about that, so I might as well make what I want to make with full authenticity, and hope the people who are interested in listening will hear what I have to say.

[mblue-art]

I adore the way you draw Cross,,, and I was wondering if you had any advice on characterizing him?

thank you!! 🥺💜💜💜

i am. not a good writer tho op HSBFNCJXN (i am also somehow struggling w that 💀) but uhhh hmmm.

he's all a mix of canon/fanon/headcanons/scenarios in my head @.@

i think at first he's the silent cold type, does not trust easily— but if you do get to see under that shell, trusts you enough to get to his soft side, he's a caring guy ! a silly goofy guy, fun dude, will try to cheer you up—

though... this guy has a lot of anxiety, i imagine 💀 he needs a hug. a place where he can be vulnerable, somewhere he feels safe to be in. just... look at him. he looks like the kind of guy who can't even rest his damn shoulders, always on guard for anything.

i want to see this guy peacefully sleeping without a worry in the world. he deserves that at least. i think.

// i know this idiot committed murders and was a bitchass (lol) (/aff) during the start of underverse, but,,

oh! i know wikis shouldn't be trusted 100% bc of how easy it can be edited, but i think a good chunk of the info in this one is accurate :0

—

here's some text plucked right up from the wiki i linked above:

Although he had a lot of similarities with Underswap Sans during XTale, Cross throughout Underverse became more like his polar opposite. He's an aggressive, introvert and hostile, with selfish behaviors from time to time, being who also shows howsoever no concern for those that aren't close to him, as he had no problem harming other people to reach his goal. Cross would resort to violence even to the slightest problem, seeing as he punched Dream twice despite only being offered help because of the guardian's interference in his business.

Despite his cold self on the outside to strangers, Cross has a soft spot for those who he cares on the inside, since he fell into grief for losing his home and family after obliterating them, and resorted to hunt other universes to blindly "bring them back". His main trait that also represents XGaster is his lack of trust in others because of the countless wrong people he put his faith on. However, even with his attitude, Cross never showed any sort of malicious intent like Nightmare or Error, only longing for his universe and desperately trying to fix his mistake.

Some personality traits were also obtained due to XGaster's careless behavior with Cross and XPapyrus when they were younger. They were shown little to no attention by their parental figure, and Cross seemed to be the most afraid of him out of the 2 brothers, trying to be as obedient as he could.

I suggest you still do try to read through the wiki though !

If you don't have all the time to watch through the Underverse (S1) (S2) + Xtale episodes or read the Xtale comic, the wiki's somewhat an alternative :0

[disabledstraydogs]

heyyyy…

Can I get Ango ask game answers… he’s my silly rn and I wanna see what other people say!!! (And maybe I want some inspiration for fics)

🌻☔️ 💤

Hmm, I don't know a lot about Ango ngl, but my base headcanons are: Hard of hearing, has vision problems, chronic migraines and pain, sensory processing disorder (possible undiagnosed autism) and he's possibly a cane user. But I don't have any concrete headcanons.

Edit: For a man with 'no concrete headcanons' I wrote a LOT lmao

🌻 - Do they do anything that helps manage their disability? (Ie medication, hot and/or cold patches, set sleeping times, ect)

I think he relies heavily on pain medication to keep the pain in check. Baths are also big for him with pain so uses those bath salts and soaks in baths to help with muscle aches and pains.

With vision he obviously has glasses, he can read Tenji (Japanese Braille). Although he does have some vision, he struggles to read small text, often using his phone and/or computers text to speech function.

With hearing he uses a hearing aid and Oda has learned JSL to help communicate with him, Dazai has as well (he's teaching other members of the PM and later the ADA how to use it as well.

Stim toys are something he also uses but due to pain he finds certian stim toys (such as tangles and fidget cubes) hard to use. Because of this he uses things like scraps of fabric, weighted crochet balls, and smooth stones to hold.

☔️ - What does a 'bad day' look like for them? How do they cope?

Bad pain day can mean that Ango can't leave the bed, all his muscles ache and he has really bad brain fog because of these symptoms. Someone (usually Oda) has to carry him to the bath and help him bathe (he does not miss a daily bath. Ever.)

Bad hearing and sight days mean that he needs more assistance than usual, he hates this because he feels weak, but usually those around him can pick up on the bad days.

Bad sensory day with Ango don't happen frequently. Usually he's understimulated, so it takes a Lot to get him to sensory overload. However when he does, he has a shut down and sometimes it gets so bad that he can't move from what Oda calls his 'nest' (which is basically a cocoon of clean blankets he wraps around himself) because the idea of touching any other material or surface makes him physically ill.

💤 - How would/will they cope with their disability worsening?

Hm this is an interesting question.

I do think that the condition causing Ango's vision problems probably will get worse until he is blind, and that does scare him. Personally we don't deal with this but I imagine it is a very scary and ever present thought for him. Although Oda does try his best and is a good listener, sometimes he can't relate to Ango's struggles and may say the wrong things.

With hearing, again I'm unsure what condition he has that impacts this so I'm unsure what getting worse would mean for him. If he looses his hearing entirely it would again be a very scary and ever present thought and I feel like it would make him sad.

Pain worsening? More pain medication, but probably reduced mobility. I think Ango is an independent man and struggles with the idea of needing to rely on someone to look after him.

For these I don't think he copes well. He keeps his worries inside and they only come out on his bad days, usually messily. He sobs, clinging onto whoever is close to him and then pushes them away one the post break down clarity kicks in.

Obviously people try and get close to him (especially Dazai and Oda) but Dazai is 15 and has no filter so has upset Ango with some of his comments (Oda has lectured him and he's apologised). But regardless Ango pushes them away because he doesn't want to be a burden.

Ask game link

[sk8termikey]

Chapter 18 of 21 Questions

better interface on wattpad + updated till chap 27

FLORIDA VERSUS TOUR SHOW (meeting)(plot is plotting)

Matt🍂

[2 attachments]

Hey, here are the tickets

I hope you'll have a great time tomorrow :)

Thank you so much<3

I'll never forget this fr

I'll repay you one day

And thank your cousin also

You can repay me by not hating me when you discover the truth…

Unsent

No worries

And yeah, I'll tell her it did end up useful for someone else

I'll try to take good pics for her!

That's very nice of you, can't wait to see them if they're as good as those you take of the world

“Damn you're so adorable Lily”, Alex said as she was reading the texts above her friend's shoulder.

“Well, it's thanks to a fellow fan that we can see the triplets again, so anything for her now!”

“No but for real, that was so sweet of Matt's cousin to give them out”. Alex side hugged Lily to show appreciation. “I really can't wait to meet them again”.

“Yeah same”, Lily agreed.

Thinking back to how everything happened so quickly, Lily was glad to have been able to trust her online friend. She knew she had every right to be weary of this, but she also wanted it to be true – which she believed to be. She didn't know how she could ever repay the favour to Matt, but she was set on finding something for him one day. Maybe this is a good situation to write that letter for him, he deserved it already but now even more… Lily thought as she smiled at her idea. Although they had never talked about it, Lily suddenly wished to meet Matt. She felt like their friendship was getting to a point where they could actually enjoy each other's presence in real life – they had called a few more times since they played Fortnite together a couple months ago but had never facetimed. None of them knew what the other looked like, but them being friends was solely based on their personalities and common ground so it didn't matter much. However, Lily's wish for an eventual meeting would happen sooner than she'd ever expect thanks to someone who wasn't as impatient – and it could even be said it had already happened though none of them was aware of it.

A day later and the two best friends found themselves in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Completely off plan – they had indeed wanted to go back to Spring Hill today but fate had it otherwise, Alex and Lily were now on the Southeast Coast. The weather was lovely as the girls parked near the venue. They hadn’t gone to their hotel yet but Matt – Alex had learnt from Lily – had apparently been kind enough to book a room for them not far from where the venue was, “an apology for this last minute plan” Lily had said. Obviously, Lily had refused to let him pay so Matt had only put his card for a refundable deposit and Lily would pay for the room when she and Alex would leave the city. As it was Sunday, the girls had decided that they would stay until Tuesday at most – they had been gone for a week and although Lucas and Jade didn’t mind being alone at the café, Lily and Alex felt bad that they were leaving them for so long. They were also missing their cat a lot, but would never tell their friend that their fake child counted more.

This was now it, the final show of the Versus Tour where Alex and Lily would be once again part of the wonderful atmosphere that were the Sturniolo Triplets’ shows. They had arrived later than they did for the other shows as they didn’t have the small talk nor the group pictures included in their tickets. This didn’t bother the girls though as they were simply ecstatic at the idea of seeing Nick, Matt and Chris for the fourth time. They saw that not many people were left outside as most of them were already inside the venue for the extras that were happening before the show. When they approached the queue, Lily unlocked her phone to get the tickets ready to be scanned. This was the moment of truth: had Matt scammed her or not? Damn, I hope not because I like the kid… Lily thought as it was their turn to enter the venue. When the security guard scanned the tickets, he let out a confused face – though unnoticed by the girls with how quick he composed himself – until he confirmed the names on his list and knew that what he was seeing was not a mistake. 

      Indeed, the tickets that Matt – Laura actually – had custom made for Lily were not meant to exist because they had never sold any GA tickets with only the backstage pass as an extra. The security guard eventually let the girls enter and as he signalled to someone else to take his place to scan the next people, he quickly went inside through another door where he knew that he could find who he was looking for. Fortunately, he was able to find her rapidly enough. He called Laura who was overseeing that the group pictures were going well and told her about the two girls he had checked in a couple of minutes ago. Thanking the man before he went back outside, Laura waited until everyone had gotten their pictures taken – luckily it was almost the end – and as she walked the triplets to the stage where they would soon be on for their show, she notified them about the girls who had arrived. Hearing this, Matt let out a sigh of relief he never knew he was holding and his two brothers patted him on the back to comfort him. She’s here, Matt thought. I’m actually gonna meet her, damn… The stress started getting to him and he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he saw that she was here with his own eyes. When they arrived on the side of the stage, the triplets found a small space behind the curtains where they could look at the crowd without being noticed.

“Do we even know who we’re looking for?” Chris asked as he had no idea which team colour the girls were supporting today.

“Well, she’s Matt’s girl so probably blue.” Nick replied as he tried to recognize the girl with whom he had gotten along a few days prior.

“Not my girlfriend…” Matt mumbled. “And she doesn’t even know that she’s here for me so I actually can’t say who she’s rooting for today.”

“I mean– I think I had told her to come in orange last time we saw her but I guess we can each look for our team colours when we’re on stage”, Chris suggested. “We might see better with the lights above us.”

“Good idea, let’s not be too obvious though.” Nick warned. It was now time for them to go on stage and start the show so he gave the final instructions. “We’re mainly searching in the last rows because she had General Admission; a brunette with possibly animals painted on her face accompanied with a blonde girl who’s most certainly in orange as she supported Chris in my memories. And remember, BE. DIS–CREET.”

Matt and Chris nodded as they understood their task. They would never jeopardise their last show but it wouldn’t hurt to confirm that their guests were here as they were literally in front of the crowd where said guests were. Hugging each other, the triplets were now ready to go on stage for the last time of their tour. It had been such a wonderful experience for them and they had found a way to make this last show even more special thanks to the partners they had chosen. Indeed, as their family and friends were present, the triplets had invited three of them to share the stage with them and it was now time to get them on as they were being introduced after the popular vote had happened – Matt won again, what a surprise!

The three teammates were therefore the triplets’ brother Justin, their best friend Nathan – or Nate – and their friend Tril who had travelled with them for a couple of shows to sing at the end. Nick then announced that the three would each pull from a box a friendship bracelet based on one of the teams in order to decide who they were going to partner with. After they all took out a bracelet, Nick made them reveal at the same time and the result was Nathan on team blue with Matt, Tril on team orange with Chris and finally Justin on team purple with Nick.

As usual, the first game was the painting competition which Nate had won, thus granting a second point to Matt’s team blue sharks. The next game was called Saved by the Bell where the teams would answer trivia questions. From the age required to enter the Hunger Games – twelve years old – to the number of moons Mars had – two, the three teams had to answer several chaotic other questions such as the temperature at which water freezes – 0°C or 32°F for y’all weird Americans – or the number of elements in the Periodic Table – a hundred and eighteen. They were now playing the third game which was called We’re Playing Basketball and thanks to Tril, Chris’s team orange deers was now in the lead before the fourth and last game that was Jenga Showdown started. Matt and Nate were closely behind and the Jenga game that Matt had lost a handful would be decisive. Indeed, the loser would have five points removed from his score, which is why it was essential for Matt to not lose again.

Back to our two girls in the crowd, they had been enjoying every minute of this last show. Per Chris’s request, Lily had showed up with an orange tank top and deers drawn on her face by Alex, who was also wearing orange. Although Alex would be over the moon if Chris won this show and therefore the whole tour, Lily was actually awaiting his defeat as she was really curious regarding the tiebreaker that would decide the winner between Chris and Matt as Nick announced that he had a great one planned already. Only time would tell and it wouldn’t be too much waiting as the game finally began. The tension was slowly building in the venue along the Jenga tower. After what was unusually long compared to other shows, the tower eventually collapsed when it was Nate’s turn, thus making Matt’s team lose five out of his nine points. Matt’s loss thus meant Chris’s victory of not only the show but of the entire tour, which sent the crowd in a frenzy as everyone was screaming – one part was actually cheering on the youngest brother while the other was just screaming for fun as one does during a concert whenever the artist on stage does something as simple as breathing.

Now that the show was ending, each team received their medals and as the lights were on, Matt took that as an opportunity to check the crowd for a certain face. He tried to make his brain work its hardest ever and searched for a smiling brunette of whom he had a faint memory. As he stilled for a second, Matt thought he had seen her and when he tried to keep looking at the back of the venue for this particular person, he was nudged by his friend Nate who made him notice that he would end up seeming weird on stage. Nate and the two other teammates did know why Matt had spent a couple of times during the show simply watching the crowd – they had been notified along with the triplets’ parents about Matt’s chaotic plan – and so their role had been to prevent each of the triplets to creepingly stare at the fans too much. Finally, the coronation ceremony happened and Chris received the Versus Tour trophy before everyone left the stage for Tril’s last mini concert.

Unbeknownst to them, Alex and Lily were being observed by three similar-looking people who were watching the fans until they recognised those they were searching for. The show had been over for a little while and so the two girls were currently waiting in the queue leading to backstage as the tickets they had been given by Matt allowed them to meet the triplets after the show. Although they had been trusting Matt, they were still relieved to get the confirmation that they indeed had access backstage when they had first entered the venue a few hours earlier – though it was Laura who had notified the staff beforehand that those two specific girls had a “special treatment” due the ticket combo that wasn't supposed to exist.

As the girls were simply talking about the fact that Chris had won the show and therefore the tour – which Alex was over the moon about, her being a Chris girl, they didn't notice someone from security coming towards them. Exchanging a glance of uncertainty, Lily and Alex were surprised that the bodyguard was asking them to follow him somewhere else in the venue. Questions raised in the girls’ minds but they complied and went with the man. They didn’t understand at first and were just confused that they were being dragged out from the queue.

“What the fuck is happening?” Alex whispered to Lily as they were still walking in the corridors of the venue.

“I DON'T KNOW!” Lily whisper-yelled to Alex. “It's scaring me, like have we been scammed?”

“I hope not bro, they’ll probably give us an explanation.”

Lily agreed and a couple of minutes later, the two girls found themselves in a huge room with several couches and drinks on a table. They got told to stay here until someone would come back for them later. They both were so stressed and although they had snacks as well as beverages to pass the time, Lily and Alex were shitting themselves.

~~~

Half an hour later and the girls were still alone in the room. While they had been wondering about what was going to happen to them – their assumptions were being killed or abducted, the actual backstage was close to being over. Due to confusion still being present, Alex had suggested the first good idea of the evening and told Lily to text Matt.

“Damn, we should've thought about that earlier. I hope bro has a good explanation!”

Matt🍂

Hey Matt, please can you tell me what's going on bc Alex and I have been waiting for so long. We don't know what's happening and it's kinda scary so if you could text me back and explain wtf your cousin was supposed to do at the show, that would be nice

Lily was hoping that although Matt wasn't the one initially going to the show, he could still give her an explanation as to what was going to happen to them. However, as soon as Lily hit ‘send’ on her text, she and Alex heard a notification sound in the same room. This clearly raised more confusion in the girls’ minds. They thought it was a coincidence but were still suspicious of the fact that someone's phone received a message right as Lily had sent hers. As if it couldn’t get worse, the door suddenly opened and three people casually walked in.

“Honestly, it's such a Matt thing to forget his phone on the other side of the venue.” The voice of a man could be heard. “Don't think we needed to immediately bring it to him though.”

“You have to understand him sweetie,” a woman replied to him. “He's really nervous about today even though we spent a while reassuring him before the show. And he might need it to text his friend. I don't know, it might be useful.”

A second man agreed with the woman while Alex and Lily were watching the scene with widened eyes. They couldn't believe what they were seeing: the triplets’ parents, Mary Lou and Jimmy, as well as their brother Justin were currently standing in front of them. As the woman noticed the girls, she stopped talking and nudged her husband then her oldest son to make them notice.

“Hi there!” Mary Lou said with the nicest tone. “You must be my son's friends, right?”

“Wha–” Lily was the first to reply as she had no idea what was going on.

Seeing their confusion, Justin quickly understood that the timing had been completely off.

“Mum, I think we might be early…”

“Oh god!” Mary Lou exclaimed in surprise. “He told us he would notify you before we arrived.”

“I'm sorry, but…” Alex took Lily's place in wanting to know the truth as the brunette was now lost. “Who was supposed to notify us of what?”

“OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?” The voice of a young man yelled as he ran into the room and started rambling. “Dad came to get me. Damn, I leave you guys for an hour and you can't wait ten more minutes. Fuck, sorry I shouldn't curse at you and I know I said that thing about my phone but I was about to come get it and now–”

Matt stopped talking as he turned to face the two confused girls still sitting on the couch. His dad, Jimmy, had left his wife and first son to try finding Matt before the situation would get more chaotic than it already was. He had stumbled upon Matt, Nick and Chris who were coming back from backstage as the show was definitely over, which led to the middle triplet running to the room his dad was coming from as he started panicking as soon as Jimmy had explained what was happening a few corridors away.

“Hey,” Matt said to the girls with a soft voice to not frighten them. His gaze was mostly on Lily before he spotted his phone and unlocked it. “Oh, you texted. Sorry for the confusion, I swear I can explain everything.”

What the actual– the fuck he means? Lily wondered. I texted? Like– I'm so fucking lost… She tore her eyes away from Matt as she saw Chris, Nick and Jimmy entering the room then going to stand next to Matt who was trying to calm down.

“Ok so… I know you must both be very sceptical about everything but please listen to me.” Matt almost pleaded as he was scared of how Alex and Lily would react. “Hmm, well… Hi, I'm Matt.”

As he said his last sentence with a small wave, the girls were still not understanding.

“Yeah, we know that”. Lily replied with a nervous laugh. “That's why we came to see y'all I guess.”

“No yeah, sorry. I mean like– Matt, your Matt?” He sounded almost unsure as he saw that Lily was still not completely getting it. He then had an idea and went to his conversation with Lily to show her what he meant. “Wait a second…”

Matt quickly typed a message and sent it to Lily, which made her phone's screen light up.

Matt🍂

Hey, please don't hate me

Both Lily and Alex looked down to read the message, the latter almost having a light bulb appearing above her head.

“Oh fuck I should've known! I knew it!” Alex semi-shouted.

It's true that the blonde had had suspicions a couple of times when Lily had told her that she was texting a guy named Matt who liked Pokemon, Fortnite and had several brothers. They were probably a thousand guys on Earth like that but at that time, it had been the only Matt she could think about.

“Oh…” Lily finally knew what he meant. “Oh… I was absolutely not expecting that.”

“Yeah…” Matt was still afraid of what would happen next. “If that's ok, I just want to properly do introductions?”

Lily nodded as she and Matt were still holding eye contact for the past several minutes. When the girls both stood up and approached the Sturniolo family, Matt got even more nervous and Nick took that as his cue to take charge of the situation.

“Hey, Nicolas here but call me Nick! So we have Matt obviously and Chris who you both know, I mean we all met but let's reset everything. Then it should've been later but improv I guess so I want you guys to meet our mum Mary Lou, our dad Jimmy and our brother Justin.”

“Hi, I'm Alex.” The blonde said as she could feel her best friend was in a sort of shocked state. “This is Lily, my best friend and Matt's friend then?”

Everyone nodded and as an awkward silence was almost forming, Mary Lou let her bubbly personality shine to brighten the mood.

“Okay boys, why don't we just relax and enjoy the snack while getting to know those lovely ladies? Matt darling, go talk with your brothers as I take your nice friend with me. You guys will have all the time in the world later on.”

Mary Lou walked towards Lily and gently grabbed her arm to then go sit on another couch in the room, further away from everyone else. The rest of them scattered in the room as Chris decided to join Alex – they had gotten along well the few times they had seen each other – while the other brothers stood with their dad and chose to pour themselves some drinks.

While Alex was talking with Chris and reminiscing about their victory together, Lily found herself in a conversation with Mary Lou whom she thought was the sweetest woman ever. After Matt, well Nick in all honesty, had introduced her to his mum – a bold move from him to have her meet him AND his whole family at the same time, Mary Lou immediately shooed her son away as she wanted to properly get to know his new friend. This is why Matt was currently with his brothers Justin and Nick. The two oldest were discussing what they could do the next day around the city, which Matt was half listening to as he was stressed regarding what his mum and friend – friend? Acquaintance? More than that? Less? Yeah, friend is good – were talking about. However, as he dared to glance in their direction, Matt found Lily's eyes already on him. She quickly diverted her gaze back to Mary Lou but as she still felt observed, Lily looked back to Matt. They then shared a soft smile across the room and as if it was magic, both were suddenly feeling at ease and fell back to their respective conversation. They'd only had a two second interaction as the Matt and Lily they both knew, but it was like they were turning back into their usual selves when they would text each other.

“You do know you guys are kinda obvious, right?” Justin asked his younger brother.

“Wha– what do you mean?” Matt was confused, although he somehow already knew what this was about.

“Matt come on”, Nick sighed as he dragged out his brother's name's vowel. “I'm pretty sure you didn't listen to what we've been saying because you're only thinking about her.”

“And looking at her like a lost puppy”, Justin added. “She should be the one panicking, yet here you are.”

“I don't look at Lily like a lost puppy…” Matt mumbled. “Just making sure Mum isn't overwhelming her. Can't believe she gets to talk to her before me, she's my friend!”

“A friend who probably made her live the most stressful experience ever,” Nick retorted. “I think today was confusing for everyone so let her breathe for a minute and you can go talk to her after.”

Matt and Justin agreed with the blonde, then tried to trust their mum to make Lily feel better.

Speaking of the devil, the girl was actually enjoying her conversation with Mary Lou, who was telling her about Boston life.

“It sounds great, I hope to go there one day.”

“Maybe if my son keeps you in his life – which I would be glad about, you'll have the opportunity to travel there”. Mary Lou said as she put on her kindest smile.

“Yeah, I hope he does too.” Lily replied with some awkwardness in her voice. “It's still weird to me that he was the one I was texting this whole time, but I really want us to become friends in person now. Not that I want to take advantage of him simply because I know who he actually is of course, please don't think bad of me! But, I–”

“No worries my dear, if Matt trusted you enough to reveal himself to you, then I trust you as well”. The woman reassured the girl sitting next to her. “He's a good boy, so please take care of him.”

“I– yeah I will, I'll do my best to make this friendship work”.

The two exchanged a smile and kept talking about their respective lives: Mary Lou telling Lily about her and Jimmy while Lily told Mary Lou about the café she was working at with Alex.

They had been talking for a good dozen of minutes until Matt – who had been motivated by his brothers – finally decided to join them.

“Hi”, he waved again at Lily – seems like it was his current go-to move when feeling nervous. “Mum, I'm gonna steal her from you – if that's ok with you Lily obviously – because we need to talk now.”

Mary Lou kindly agreed and nudged Lily to stand up. As the girl was expecting the conversation to start now, she was actually surprised when Matt asked her to follow him outside. They both left the room under everyone’s curious stare and Matt took her elsewhere in the venue in order to be far enough for anyone who could walk by. When he found what seemed like a good spot, Matt looked back at Lily to silently ask her if it was ok. As she nodded, he opened the door and they were now on a balcony that was overlooking the parking lot behind the venue.

“Sorry, it looks kinda sketchy but I'll feel better with some fresh air.”

“No yeah, I get it.” Lily agreed with Matt. “I think I needed it too.”

“So…” Matt started as he was fidgeting while leaning on the railing.

“Yep…” Lily whispered as she was doing the same awkward movements.

None of them felt like holding eye contact as they were both extremely nervous. Knowing that he was responsible for all of this, Matt eventually started talking:

“Ok first, I have to apologise for everything. I put you in a very uncomfortable situation and it was a shit move.”

“It's okay… Well it was not completely ok but I understand where you come from so I can forgive you.” Lily smiled at Matt as she was feeling less awkward now that they were actually talking about it. “Never forgive you for not liking sushi though.”

“Damn,” Matt let out a laugh at that. “Can't believe you still hold that against me.”

“Yep, always I guess…” Lily chuckled too and let a now semi-comfortable silence start until she interrupted it with the most important question. “How long have you known?”

“Hmm?”

“Since when have you known it was me like– I was me?”

“Oh, well… when you posted those pictures,” Matt explained. “I was ninety-nine percent sure of you coming to our shows and the last percent was when I texted you.”

“Ok ok,” Lily nodded. “And your first reflex was to make me come to another one?”

“It seems weird but yeah actually,” Matt confirmed as he was actually surprised of himself being so honest. “I was a bit in denial at first because it felt crazy that the person I'm texting is literally a fan – although you are my friend first and foremost – but when I talked about it to Nick and Chris, the first thing that popped into my brain when we agreed that you were Lily was that I needed to meet you again, but properly this time.”

“I'm glad you thought that because I wanted us to eventually meet and I'm happy it's you.”

“Yeah?” Matt asked as he felt relieved that Lily wasn't hating him.

“Yeah, it's just sooner than expected but in a good way. I'm grateful for our friendship Matt.”

“I'm grateful for that too Lily.” Matt had a soft smile on his face. “You wanna meet my other friends/come see everyone else now?”

“Hmm,” Lily hesitated. “Can we stay here a bit longer? Just the two of us…?”

“Yeah, okay.” He agreed. “We can do that, fine by me.”

Basking in the silence, the two newly acquainted friends were enjoying this moment of peace. It would be the first one of many, but for now, it felt like a necessity to take their time as they were now slowly starting to navigate their friendship.

Thank you for reading. Votes and comments are always appreciated if you like this story :) The story is co-written w @/little_grapejuice on wattpad

[skyeqt]

I wrote a quine, without strings, in a calculator

Okay so I should probably clarify some things, the calculator in question (dc) is more of a "calculating tool", it is built into most linux distributions, and it is a command line tool. I should also clarify "without strings", because dc itself does support strings, and I do actually use strings, however, I do not use string literals (I'll explain that more later), and I only use strings that are 1 character long at most.

So first of all, why did I decide to do this, well, this all started when I found a neat quine for dc:

[91Pn[dx]93Pn]dx

If you're curious about how this works, and what I turned it into, it'll be under the cut, for more technical people, you can skip or skim the first text block, after that is when it gets interesting.

So first of all, what is a quine, a quine is a computer program that outputs its own source code, this is easier said than done, the major problem is one of information, the process of executing source code normally means a lot of code, for a little output, but for a quine you want the exact same amount of code and output. First of all, let's explain dc "code" itself, and then this example. Dc uses reverse polish notation, and is stack-based and arbitrary precision. Now for the nerds reading this, you already understand this, for everybody else's benefit, let's start at the beginning, reverse polish notation means what you'd write as 1+1 normally (infix notation), would instead be written as 1 1 +, this seems weird, but for computers, makes a lot of sense, you need to tell it the numbers first, and then what you want to do with them. Arbitrary precision is quite easy to explain, this means it can handle numbers as big, or as small, or with as many decimal points as you want, it will just get slower the more complex it gets, most calculators are fixed precision, have you ever done a calculation so large you get "Infinity" out the other end? That just means it can't handle a bigger number, and wants to tell you that in an easy to understand way, big number=infinity. Now as for stack based, you can think of a stack a bit pile a pile of stuff, if you take something off, you're probably taking it off the top, and if you put something on, you're probably also putting it ontop. So here you can imagine a tower of numbers, when I write 1 1 +, what I'm actually doing is throwing 1 onto the tower, twice, and then the + symbol says "hey take 2 numbers of the top, add them, and throw the result back on", and so the stack will look like: 1 then 1, 1, then during the add it has nothing, then it has a 2. I'm going to start speeding up a bit here, most of dc works this way: you have commands that deal with the stack itself, commands that do maths, and commands that do "side things". Most* of these are 1 letter long, for example, what if I want to write the 1+1 example a little differently, I could do 1d+, this puts 1 on the stack (the pile of numbers), then duplicates it, so you have two 1s now, and then adds those, simple enough. Lets move onto something a little more complex, let's multiply, what if I take 10 10 * well I get 100 on the stack, like you may expect, but this isn't output yet, we can print it with p, and sure enough we see the 100, I can print the entire stack with f, which is just 100 too for now, I can print it slightly differently with n, I'll get into that later, or I can print with P which uhhhh "d", what happened there? Well you see d is character 100 in ASCII, what exactly ASCII is, if you don't know, don't worry, just think of it as a big list of letters, with corresponding numbers. And final piece of knowledge here will be, what is a string, well it's basically just some text, like this post! Although normally a lot shorter, and without all the fancy formatting. Now with all that out of the way, how does the quine I started with actually work?

From here it's going to get more technical, if you're lost, don't worry, it will get even more technical later :). So in dc, you make a string with [text], so if we look at the example again, pasted here for your convenience

[91Pn[dx]93Pn]dx

it makes one long string at the start, this string goes onto the stack, and then gets duplicated, so it's on the stack twice, then it's executed as a macro. In technical language, this is just an eval really, in less technical language, it just means take that text, and treat it like more commands, so you may see, it starts with 91P, 91 is the ASCII character code for [, which then gets printed out, not coincidentally, this is the start of the program itself. Now the "n" that comes afterwards, as I said earlier, this is a special type of print, this means print without newline (P doesn't use newlines either), which means we can keep printing without having to worry about everything being on separate lines, now what is it printing? Well what's on top of the stack, oh look, it's the copy of the entire string, which once again not coincidentally, is the entire inside of the brackets, so now we've already printed out the majority of the program, now dx is thrown on the stack, which as you may notice is the ending of the program, but we won't print it yet, we'll first print 93 as a character, which is "]", and then print dx, and this completes the quine, the output is now exactly the same as the input. Now, I found this some time ago, and uncovered it again in my command history, it's interesting, sure, but you may notice it's not very... complicated, the majority of the program is just stored as a string, so it already has access to 90% of itself from the start, and just has to do some extra odd jobs to become a full quine, I wanted to make this worse. I started modifying it, doing some odd things, which I won't go into, I wanted to remove the numbers, replacing it entirely with calculations from numbers I already have access to, like the length of a string, this wasn't so hard, but then I hit on what this post is about "can I make this without using string literals"

Can I make this without using string literals?

Yes, I can! And it took a whole day. I'll start by explaining what a string literal is, but this will largely be the end of my explaining, from here it's about to get so technical and I don't want to spend all day explaining things and make this post even longer than it's already going to be. A string literal is basically just the [text] you saw earlier, it's making a string by just, writing out the string. In dc there's only 1 other way to make a string, the "a" command, which converts a number, into a 1 character string, using the number as an ASCII character code. Strings in dc are immutable, you can only print, execute, and move them around with the usual stack operations, you cannot concatenate, you cannot modify in any way, the only other things you can do with a string, is grab the first character, or count the characters, but as I just explained, our only way to make strings creates a 1 character string, which cannot be extended, so the first character is just, the entire thing, and the length is always 1, so neither of these are useful to us. So, now we understand what the restriction of no string literals really is (there are more knock on restrictions I'll bring up later), let's get into the meat of it, how I did it.

So I've just discussed the way I'll be outputting the text (this quine will need text, since all the outputting commands are text!), with the "a" command and the single character strings it produces, let's now figure out some more restrictions. So any programmers reading this are going to be horrified by what I'm about to say. If I remove string literals, dc is no longer Turing Complete, I am trying to write a quine in a language (subset) that is not Turing Complete, and can only output 1 character at a time**. You can't loop in dc, but you can recurse, with macros, which are effectively just evaling a string, you can recurse, since these still operate on the main stack, registers, arrays, etc, they can't be passed or return anything, but this doesn't matter. Now I cannot do this, because if I only have 1 character strings via "a" then I can't create a macro that does useful work, and executes something, since that would require more than 1 command in it. So I am limited to only linear execution***. Now lets get into the architecture of this quine, and finally address all these asterisks, since they're finally about to be relevant, I started with a lot of ideas for how I'd architect these, I call these very creatively by their command structure, dScax/dSax, rotate-based execution, all-at-once stack flipping, or the worst of them all, LdzRz1-RSax (this one is just an extension of rotate-based execution), I won't bother explaining these, since these are all failed ideas, although if anybody is really curious, I might explain some other time, for now, I'll focus on the one that worked, K1+dk: ; ;ax, or if you really want to try to shoehorn a name, Kdkax execution, now, anybody intimately familiar with dc, will probably be going "what the fuck are you doing", and rightly so, so now, let's finally address the asterisks, and get into what Kdkax execution actually means, and how I used it.

*"Most commands are 1 character long, but there are exceptions, S, L, s, l, :, ; and comparisons, only : and ; are relevant here, so I won't bother with the rest, although some of the previous architectures used S and L as you may have seen. : and ; are the array operations, there are 256 arrays in dc, each one named after a character, if I want to store into array "a" I will write :a, a 2 character sequence, same for loading from array "a" ;a, I'll get into exactly how these work later **I can only output 1 character at a time with p, P, and n, but f can output multiple characters, the only catch being it puts a newline between each element of the stack, and because I can only put 1 character into each stack element, it's a newline between each character for me (except for numbers). I'll get into what this means exactly later ***I can do non-linear execution, and in fact, it was required to make this work, but I can only do this via single character macros, which is, quite the restriction to put it lightly

So I feel like I've been dancing around it now, what does my quine actually look like, well, I wanted to keep things similar to the original, where I write a program, I store it, then I output it verbatim, with some cleanup work. However, I can't store the program as strings, or even characters, I instead need to store it as numbers, and the easiest way to do this, is to store it as the char codes for dc commands, so if I want to execute my 1d+ example from before, I instead store it as 49 100 43, which when you convert them back to characters, and then execute them in sequence, to do the same thing, except I can store them, which means I can output them again, without needing to re-create them, this will come in handy later. So, well how do I execute them, well, ax is the sequence that really matters here, and it's something all my architectures have in common, it converts them to a character, then executes them, in that order, not so hard, except, I'm not storing them anymore, well then if you're familiar with dc, you might come across my first idea, dScax, which, for reasons you will understand later, became dSax, this comes close to working, it does store the numbers in a register, and execute them, but this didn't really end up working so well. I think the next most important thing to discuss though, is how I'm outputting, as I mentioned earlier "f" will be my best friend, this outputs the entire stack, this is basically the whole reason this quine is possible, it's my only way of outputting more characters from the program, than the program itself takes up, since I can't loop or recurse, and f is the only character that outputs more than 1 stack element at once, it is my ticket to outputting more than I'm inputting, and thereby "catching up" with all the characters "wasted" on setup work. So now, as I explained earlier, f prints a newline between each stack element, and I can only create 1 character stack elements, and because in a quine the output must equal the input, this also means the input must equal the output. And because I just discovered an outputting quirk, this means my input must also match this quirk, if I want this to be a quine, so, my input is limited to 1 character, or 1 number, per line, since this is the layout my stack will take, and therefore will be the layout of my output. So what does this actually mean, I originally thought I couldn't use arrays at all, but, this isn't true, the array operations are multiple character sequences yes, but turns out, there actually are multiple characters per line, there's also a linefeed character. And since there is an array per ASCII character, I am simply going to be storing everything in "array linefeed"! So now, with all of this in mind, what does the program actually look like.

Let's take a really simple example, even simpler than earlier, let's simply store 1 and then print it, this seems simple enough, 1p does it fine, but, lets convert it to my format, and it's going to get quite long already, in order to prevent it getting even longer, I'll use spaces instead of newlines, just keep in mind, they're newlines in the actual program

112 49 0 k K 1 + d k : K 1 + d k : 0 k K 1 + d k ; K 1 + d k ; 0 k K 1 + d k ; a x K 1 + d k ; a x

now, what the fuck is going on here, first of all, I took "1p" and converted both characters into their character codes "49 112" and then flipped them backwards (dw about it), then, I run them through the Kdkax architecture. What happens is I initialise the decimal points of precision to 0, then, I increment it, put it back, but keep a copy, and then run the array store, keep in mind, this is storing in array linefeed, but what and where is it storing? Its index is the copy of the decimal points of precision I just made, and the data it's storing at that index, is whatever comes before that on the stack, which, not coincidentally, is 49, the character code for the digit "1", then I do the same process again, but this time, the decimal points of precision is 1, not 0, and the stack is 1 shorter. So now, I store 112 (the character code for p), in index 2 of array linefeed, now you may notice, the array is looking the exact same as the original program I wanted to run, but, in character code form, it is effectively storing "1p", but as numbers in an array, instead of characters in a string. I then reset the precision with 0k, and start again, this time with the load command, which loads everything back out, except, now flipped, the stack originally read 49 112, since that's the order I put them on, the top is 49, the last thing I put on, but after putting them into the array, and taking them back out, now I'm putting on 112 last instead, so now the stack reads 112 49, which happens to be the exact start of the code, this will be important later. For now, the important part is, the numbers are still in the array, taking them out just makes a copy, so, this time I take them out again, but rather than just storing them, I convert them to a character, and then execute them, 49 -> 1 -> 1 on the stack, 112 -> p -> print the stack, and I get 1 printed out with the final x. Now this may not seem very significant, but this is how everything is going to be done from here on out.

So, what do I do next? Well now's time to start on the quine itself, you may have noticed in the last example, I mentioned how at one point, the stack exactly resembles the program itself, or at least the start of it, this is hopefully suspicious to you, so now you may wonder, what if my program starts with "f" to print out the entire stack? Well, I get all the numbers back, i.e. I get the start of the file printed out, and this will happen, no matter how many numbers (commands) I include, now we're getting somewhere, so if I write fc at the start of my program (converted into character codes and then newline separated) then I include enough copies of the whole Kdkax stuff to actually store, load, and execute it, then I can execute whatever I want, and I'll get back everything except the Kdkax stuff itself, awesome! So now we come onto, how do I get back the "Kdkax stuff", and more importantly, what are my limitations executing things like this, can I just do anything?

Well, put simply, no, I cannot use multicharacter sequences, and I actually can't this time, because it's being executed as a single character macro, I don't have a newline to save me, and I just get an error back, so okay that's disappointing. This multicharacter sequence rule means I also can't input numbers bigger than 1 digit, because remember, the numbers get converted into characters and then executed, and luckily, executing a number, just means throwing it on the stack, so I'm good for single digit numbers. Then in terms of math (I know, this is a post about a calculator and only now is the maths starting), I can't do anything that produces decimals, since the digits of precision is constantly being toyed with, and I also can't use the digits of precision as a storage method either, because it's in use. I can actually use the main stack though! It's thankfully left untouched (through a lot of effort), so I'm fine on that front. Other multicharacter sequences include negative numbers, strings (so I can't cheese it, even here), and conditionals.

So it was somewhere around here, I started to rely on a python script I wrote for some of the earlier testing, and I modified it to this new Kdkax architecture when I was confident this was the way forwards. It converts each character into a character code, throws that at the start, and then throws as many copies of the store, load, and execute logic as I need to execute the entire thing afterwards. This allows me to input (mostly) normal dc into the input, just keeping in mind that any multicharacter sequences will be split up. So now I can start really going, and I'll speed up from here, effectively, what I need to do, is write a dc program, that can output "0 k", then "K 1 + d k :" repeated as many times as there are characters in my program, then "0 k" again, then "K 1 + d k ;" repeated just as many times, then "0 k" again, then "K 1 + d k ; a x" also repeated just as many times, without using strings, multicharacter sequences, loops, branches, recursion, any non-integer maths, with a newline instead of a space in every sequence above. Doable. The program starts with fc, like I mentioned, this prints out all the numbers at the start, and leaves us with a clean stack, I'll explain in detail how I output the "0 k" at the start, and leave the rest as an exercise to to the reader. I want to do this by printing the entire stack, so I want to put it on backwards, k first, k is character code 107 in decimal, and I can't input this directly, because I can't do anything other than single digit numbers, so maths it is, here I abuse the O command, which loads the output base, which is 10 by default, and I then write "OO*7+a", which is effectively character((10*10)+7) written in a more normal syntax, this creates "k" on the stack, and then I can move onto 0, for which I write "0", since a number just puts itself on the stack, no need to create it via a character code, I can just throw it on there, keep in mind this will all get converted to 79 79 42 55 43 97 48, but the python script handles this for me, and I don't need to think about it. The stack now reads "0 k" and I can output this with f, and clear the stack, I then do the same deal for "K 1 + d k :", the next "0 k", "K 1 + d k ;" but here I do something a little different, because I want to output "K 1 + d k ; a x" next (after the "0 k" again), I don't clear the stack after outputting "K 1 + d k ;", and instead, I put "a x" on the stack, and then use the rotate stack commands to "slot it into place" at the end, this is a neat trick that saves some extra effort, it makes printing the "0 k" in between more difficult, but I won't get into that. For now the important part, is the output of my program now looks something like this "(copy of input numbers) 0 k K 1 + d k : 0 k K 1 + d k ; 0 k K 1 + d k ; a x" this is amazing, this would be the correct output, if my program was only 1 character long at this point, now keep in mind I'm writing non-chronologically, so my program never actually looked like this, but if you're following along at home you should have this at this point:

fcOO*7+a0fcaO5*8+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**afcOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**af0nOanOO*7+anOanOO*2O*+aOO*3-a08-R08-Rf

definitely longer than 1 character, you might think at this point, it's just a matter of spamming "f" until you get there, but unfortunately, you'll never get there, every extra "f" you add, requires an extra copy of the store, load, execute block in the program, so you're outpaced 3 to 1, so what do you do about this? You print 4 at once! I want the stack to look like "K 1 + d k : K 1 + d k : K 1 + d k : K 1 + d k :" and similarly for the other steps, and then I can spam f with greater efficiency! This was somewhat trivial for the first 2, but for the ax, because I'm using the rotate to push it at the end, I need to do this 4 times too, with different rotate widths, not too hard. And now, I can finally get there, but how many times do I spam f? Until my program is exactly 3/4s printing on repeat, which makes sense if you think about it, and below, is finally the program I ended up with

fcOO*7+a0fcO5*8+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*8+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*8+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*8+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**affffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffcOO7+a0fcO5*9+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*9+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*9+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**aO5*9+aOO*7+aOO*aO4*3+aO4*9+a355**affffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff0nOanOO*7+anOanOO*2O*+aOO*3-a08-R08-ROO*2O*+aOO*3-a082-R082-ROO*2O*+aOO*3-a083-R083-ROO*2O*+aOO*3-a084-R084*-Rffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

I say finally, but this is actually pre-python script! The final program I actually ended up with will instead be included in a reblog, because it really needs its own cut. But anyway, this was how I wrote a quine, for a calculator, without using string literals.