#Also. Fucking heartburn. Which is from the not sleeping so at least it's not a worrying sign. But god it SUCKS

[vamptastic]

cannot exaggerate how truly horribly my stummy is hurting me i may have suffering more than anybody else on earth ever. only time it's ever been this bad is when i was on an international flight after drinking coffee didn't get an ounce of sleep for ~36 hours and then landed in berlin and spent the next 12ish hours walking around in the sun without water. truly horrible levels of stomach pain and i am literally just sitting in bed sipping water and occasionally eating a saltine. wghats wrong with me

[lycandrophile]

i’m getting my drains out tomorrow and i’m sure things will be different after they’re gone, so here’s my observations about top surgery recovery as of 6 days post-op!

(click here for my first post, from 3 days after)

something i forgot to mention in my last post is that if they tell you a medication has to be taken with food, do not fuck with that. absolutely do not. my antibiotic had to be taken with food and on day 2, i thought “well, i just had breakfast not too long ago, surely that’s close enough and i’ll be fine” and my parents agreed, but guess what? i spent the next hour in hell. the meds made me nauseous so i had to eat, but eating still hurt a lot because of the sore throat from being intubated, so trying to make it better just caused me more pain. and both the sore throat and the nausea (which i guess was as much a heartburn sort of situation as it was nausea) were both very chest-adjacent feelings, so that on top of the usual pain and discomfort from surgery was just a perfect storm of horrible things all centralized to one part of my body. it was awful, and i will never fuck around with something like that again. that being said, if you do find yourself in that situation or are just looking for something light that will still do the job because you’re not that hungry, 10/10 would recommend oatmeal and apple sauce. apple sauce is what finally got my body to stop rioting against me and my bad decisions, and after that i started always taking it halfway through a bowl of oatmeal and that worked perfectly.

on day 4, i was able to sit up and get out of bed by myself for the first time! i still can’t do it just by using my core muscles, but if i hold onto my legs and lower them, i can sort of roll myself up into a sitting position without using any of the affected muscles too much.

on day 5, the sore throat from hell that being intubated gave me finally went away! cheers to not gripping my pillow in pain every two seconds while i swallow my spit anymore. it lasted a while, but it honestly went away pretty fast — on day 4 it was a bit better than it had been, and then the next day it was just gone.

also on day 5, i really started to feel the bandages digging into my armpits. i’m not sure if it’s because the bandage has been slipping up over time, if my armpits have some extra swelling now, or if it’s just been wearing my body down over time, but it feels like it’s starting to cut off circulation at a certain point and it makes my arms ache sometimes. that’s probably not great, but the surgeon will be redoing everything at my post-op anyway so i’ve just been riding it out until then. in the meantime, i can tell it’s definitely worse when i’m sitting back and kind of slouched (because that position pushes it up more), so i try to sit up or walk around when i feel it. having pillows on either side of me to put my elbows up on definitely also helps a lot — that’s how i’ve been sleeping, but it would be good for just sitting too.

also also on day 5, i started getting this weird fluttery feeling in the spot where the left side of my chest and the meat of my left armpit connect. it feels like it’s probably some sort of muscle spasm. it’s not painful at all, but i honestly wish it was because it’s just super weird and uncomfortable instead and i hate it. it genuinely might be my least favorite out of any pains or sensations i’ve had so far. luckily, though, it seems like it’s already died down and only happened a couple times today.

my energy has been all over the place. i’m at the point now where mentally i’m much closer to my normal state so i’m once again having the adhd urge to constantly do stuff, but my body’s ability to keep up is far less consistent. sometimes i get restless and can just get up and pace around for a while, but other times i try to do that and get really quickly exhausted. i’m definitely more able to have conversations and feel more like myself now though, even when my body is tired out.

i’ve been thirsty as all hell the past few days. i feel like i’m constantly asking my boyfriend to refill my water for me because i drain it so fast. it’s a very specific kind of thirst, too — like it never quite goes away even when i’m definitely very thoroughly hydrated, and like anything but water can’t even touch it. it’s not a bad thing, getting lots of fluids after surgery is important and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly why my body is doing it, but it is a bit frustrating to just be incessantly thirsty for days at a time.

my walking posture is getting straighter every day. i still have to hold my chest to walk because of the bandage feeling like it drags things down, but if i’m walking with my mastectomy pillow, it mostly just looks like a typical slouch and not the deep hunch i started with.

at this point, my chest is super sensitive to any kind of movement, and that’s the other thing the pillow has been really good for at this stage. if the bandage shifts at all, if my body moves at all, basically anything — i feel it all in my chest really intensely. it’s not always painful, but it isn’t comfortable either. holding the pillow to my chest helps stabilize things so the movement doesn’t reach the sensitive parts as much, which is really great.

walking up stairs is easier than walking down stairs, which is the exact opposite of what i would’ve guessed. from what i can tell just from moving around, i think it’s because bending your legs up to a higher step pretty solidly relies on your legs and lower core muscles to make it happen, while reaching your legs down to a lower step requires stretching your body out (which is famously not your body’s favorite thing to do after top surgery). it often feels like i almost can’t reach the step below and have to just barely catch it with the balls of my feet. it’s also just generally been good to take the stairs super slow going up or down because you really can’t use the railing — putting enough weight on it to really rely on it at all requires using chest muscles, so the best i’ve been able to do is just rest my hand on it in case of emergency (because i’d rather hurt my chest than crack my head open if it comes to that).

one of the things that makes the stairs hard is that my center of balance is off from hunching, and that definitely affects my walking too. it’s less pronounced now that i’m in the habit of using the pillow to walk straighter, but i have to take shorter strides and sort of shuffle around because longer strides need better balance, and even with the shuffle i’m stumbling more than usual. i already have some balance problems so i’m pretty used to the feeling of it, but it has freaked my parents out a couple times to see me start listing to one side before i catch myself.

fuck reflexes. reflexes are the actual worst. something i didn’t anticipate is that no matter how careful you are to not reach your arms too far or move them too fast, you can never totally account for what you do if something starts falling. a few times now, i’ve definitely reached too far or fast before stopping myself because i saw something about to go down and my brain instinctively told my hands to catch it. i’m not sure if there’s anything you can really do about that, but it’s worth being aware of because it caught me by surprise the first time i did it.

one side of my chest has been consistently more swollen than the other. that side has also consistently drained less, and the fluid it does drain is darker and redder. we asked my surgeon if that was normal and she said there’s almost always one side that drains more than the other, but it’s still something we’ve been keeping an eye on. hopefully i’ll be able to get a more concrete answer at my post-op, once she can see the swelling up close and look at the drainage numbers from the past week.

as i’ve been getting some use of my body back, the pain in my chest has gotten a bit more obvious. it’s milder pain, and when i’m not doing anything it’s mostly painless to the point where i’m going a lot longer between tylenol doses, but when i’m using my body, i can definitely feel it. the fact that i’m not avoiding physical activity like the plague as much means i’m noticing more pain even though objectively my pain levels have gone down — the things that hurt now didn’t hurt less before, i just didn’t even attempt them before because i knew they would hurt so much. now that the pain is down, i can try more things, which means i’m more likely to try something that ends up hurting. of course, you should always try to follow the if-it-hurts-then-stop rule, but you can’t avoid the pain altogether as you learn your body’s boundaries, so i ended up getting to a point where getting better feels like getting worse.

on that note, i’ve also learned that there’s a pretty distinct difference between milder “i should proceed with caution” pain and intense “stop what you’re doing right now” pain. as much as avoiding things that hurt is ideal, it’s not always realistic, but my body has definitely been very clear in telling me what i can and can’t compromise on. in the beginning i was really paranoid about doing anything that caused any pain at all, but now i’m more familiar with where i can push a bit further if needed and where i really need to hold off.

i’ve been getting chills much more easily lately, and they’ve also been SUPER strong. i’ll be watching a show or listening to music and something will give me chills, and it’s a really intense feeling all across my ribs, and even thinking about the thing that caused it brings on a whole new wave. i’m super curious to see if it’s just a temporary result of my nerves doing their thing or if it’ll stick around long-term. it’s not unpleasant at all, i honestly really like it.

i got some food for myself for the first time today (day 6) and it just involved slicing some pretty soft cheese, but wow, it was a workout for my shoulder. i’m guessing it’s because i haven’t really used my muscles in that way for a week, and because not being able to use my chest muscles means i was relying on my shoulder a lot more to do all the work of moving my arm. by the time i was done, just holding the block of cheese to put it back in the fridge felt like lifting weights.

i didn’t change my shirt the first few days but i’ve changed a few times now, and we’ve perfected the art of getting a button up shirt on me without overreaching my arms at all. basically, you want to put both arms into the sleeves before you lift the shirt up onto your shoulders, because once the shirt is on one shoulder, you have to reach back a lot farther to get to the other sleeve. once you have both arms in, you can lift it onto your shoulders and button it. ideally, whoever’s helping you should do most of the work to pull the sleeves over your arms so you don’t have to stretch your arm out to get them on. i’m sure that’ll be overkill once i have a bit more mobility, but for now, it works great. it definitely would be tough if the shirt was fitted though, so i’m glad i went up a size.

i hope my posts like this have been helpful, or at least interesting to read! i’ll definitely keep updating as time goes on and things change, and i’m also going to work on a breakdown of my experience at the hospital pre- and post-op, as well as my post-op appointment experience once that happens tomorrow.

y’all are getting the good, the bad, and the ugly of my recovery experience. i know a lot of this has been very focused on the bad and the ugly so far because surgery is generally rough, but i’m going to see my chest again tomorrow so stay tuned for some good!

[thatblondeperson]

Car Trouble Nightmare, Help Needed!

More details of one of the worst days I've had in a long time that will not end, under the cut. I really do need help, I feel like I'm going to cry.

On Wednesday 7/3 I went to San Jose for a friend's going away party. Party had been canceled and I was not informed, which honestly is whatever at this point. I went in to the bar anyway, had a glass of wine that someone bought for me out of pity, made new friends, sand some karaoke and started to drive home. There was a 5 car pile up on the highway that had people dead stopped, and after sitting in that for far too long, people were detouring and I followed. Got very lost. Started trying to follow signs that said "north". Finally got back on track and my car started overheating like crazy. Took the next exit and parked. Car was smoking. At this point, the sun was rising and I was exhausted. The lady who's house I was in front of let me charge my phone and she brought me ice water. I called AAA to row my car but our plan only covers 5 miles of free towing. It would be $1000 at least. Called my mom crying. She came to rescue me. While waiting a guy tried to offer help and then got weird about how cute my small feet were. Finally mom got there and we decided to tow to the nearest AAA repair place. Car would be stranded in San Leandro which is an hour and a half from home. But it got worse.

We got on the road. Stopped at taco bell so I could get some food in my system. Was okay for a bit but the sleep and food deprivation kicked in and my body started shutting down bit by bit. Heartburn came, headache, mood swings, and nausea. Mom also wasn't listening to me with the map and took a detour that she said she knew, then blamed the detour on me when it didn't work out and wouldn't drop it. Basically heckled me about it. Treated me like I was being a baby the whole way home while I was in pain, and only realized I was serious when I started having an autistic meltdown and the tics kicked in. Made it almost home in this awful state before I had to stop at Lowe's hardware store because I felt so sick. IBS had kicked in, and when I came back to the car, the taco bell promptly exited my body via throwing up profusely. It was enough to get me home but I still felt awful. Tried to clean off in the shower a bit which helped somewhat and then tried to lay down, but my body felt so uncomfortable. I was still habing an autistic sensory meltdown, but then I suddenly got really bad, and it felt like my blood was boiling and my hands were going numb. Called 911, paramedics cane and made sure I was okay, and thankfully it was just a wicked panic attack, but it took me like 36 hours to recover from that shit. Stayed at my mom's for a bit, and then on Saturday we went back to San Leandro, because I had jumped onto my dad's plan since he had 200 miles of free towing.

Soooooooo...AAAs policy is that the point of roadside assist is that they need to tow it to a repair shop. It's already at one, so they can't send a truck to pick it up just because. The only reason they can do that is if the repair place can't fix it. We'd have the free tow back home at that point but right now we're fucked. Car is stuck in San Leandro for the time being at the repair shop and since it's AAA, it'll be expensive. We wanted to go to our guy back home.

I went back today and they said it was fixed, the bill was over $1000 with the "just look at it" and "repair" fees combined, and I hoped that would be it.

Nope.

Car started overheating just 10 minutes into the drive home, and I had to turn the AC off just to get through the drive. Coolant tank is still bubbling, the engine smells burnt, and I am exhausted and wanting to scream. My car is my lifeline, I can't be without it and I can't afford a new one right now. I just need to get my car to someone more reliable, and hopefully things can actually get fixed. It may be more than what I'm asking for, but I just need a smidgen of help. Anything will help, I'm just so tired and so stressed and my body cannot handle another panic attack tbh.

[inkbyajm]

Something Brewing

pairing: C.H. x fem!reader

category: fluff

warnings: anxiety attack

word count: 1.5k

notes: felt like angst, felt like sobbing uncontrollably, but my body wouldn’t cooperate, so imagining it will do for now. this was supposed to be a one-shot, but i didn’t realise how much i had written. now i’m splitting it into two parts. next part will definitely be more angst than fluff, so stay tuned for the terrifying sight that is angry corpse :) (p.s. don’t mind the occasional use of british english, it’s my default lmao)

next >

A peculiar thing it was, the concept of love. It was very personal and feelings about it varied from person to person. For some, it had existed since the beginning of time, when Adam and Eve first walked the Earth, when the Almighty willed his beloved humans to lead their own lives with him in their hearts. For others, it is a feeling to long for, to crave, a feeling they found themselves daydreaming about often. And for the rest, love is a tool of ruin, potentially driving people who cared for one another away from each other, instilling at least a smidge of repulsion in each one of them. However, humans are social creatures after all, and sometimes, attraction was unavoidable no matter how much one tried. And try he did.

━

Living in California could get hard and stressful at times, but at least Corpse didn’t live at the heart of the city of anxiety-inducing social interactions and constant chaos that was Los Angeles. Sure, it meant that he didn’t live close to his friends, but he wasn’t far away from her, and that was enough for him.

A few soft grunts and sounds of slippers landing on the hardwood floor echoed from the kitchen of (Y/N)’s apartment. He got up from the couch in her living room and decided to investigate the source of the noise. Coming into the room, he saw her jumping to reach the highest shelf in one of the cupboards. Looking at it, he noticed her favourite mug sitting at the edge of said shelf and, afraid she would knock it over whilst attempting to grab it, he effortlessly got it for her. “Thank you. God, I was about to grow a foot taller trying to reach for this thing.” she sighed, eliciting a deep chuckle from him, “See, this is exactly why you’re my favourite friend.” Friend? Well, yes, of course a friend, what else would he be? Corpse felt an uncomfortable tug at his heart, and he couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why he was feeling that way, so he brushed it aside. “Why was it that high up if you can’t even reach it?” (Y/N) wasn’t a short person, she was perfectly average, and he himself wasn’t that tall of a guy either. But when it came to situations of this kind, he couldn’t help but feel good about his being taller. “It usually isn’t, but I let (F/N) use it once the other day because she refused to drink out of any of the other mugs, that stubborn bitch.” she replied, pouring her homemade Italian hot chocolate into the acquired cup. (F/N) was also taller than (Y/N), so it was only natural for her to be putting things in higher places. It was done out of habit.

(Y/N) and Corpse walked back to the living room to once again settle into the couch. He glanced at her as she sat with her legs crossed, concentrated on blowing on her moderately hot beverage, while the light from the moon peeked through the curtains of the balcony door, illuminating her face ever so slightly. Since when did he start noticing these things? Looking away to set his eyes on the TV in front of them, he sensed his heart beating at an usual rhythm, palpitating, and along with it came slight lightheadedness. Was he having a heart attack? Were these signs of atrial fibrillation? Or was this simply the start of an anxiety attack? Surely any of these would be more...recognisable, to say the least. The only situation he could think of with similar reactions was when one would develop a crush. A fucking crush? At his age? How old was he, ten? “Earth to Corpse? Please don’t tell me you’re one of those people who sleep with their eyes open, that’s fucking creepy.” Her finger snaps pulled him out of whatever trance he was in. “Sorry, were you saying something?” “I asked you if you had watched Bly Manor like three times. You were very far away.” she answered, emitting a few giggles. “Sorry, I uh- I was thinking of something, but it’s stupid. And no, I haven’t, I’ve been meaning to, though.” And just like that, they settled on the show they were going to watch for the next couple of weeks.

━

“NOOOOOOO,” (Y/N) yelled, voicing her defeat “WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LUCK IS THIS.” Corpse lay on the floor, slamming his palm down onto it out of hysterical laughter. They had been playing Unmatched for the past hour, this being their third round, and after many cards and a level of tension that could only be cut through with a saw, his Robin Hood had finally defeated her Alice. It was Corpse’s first time playing, so to say that his winning of all three games was a crushing moment for her was an understatement. “This is not normal, you lied saying you’ve never played before!” she pouted, putting everything back into the box, “I’m usually really good at this game.”

He wiped the tears from his eyes, struggling to keep a good composure. “I’m sorry, I guess I’ve found my talent,” he joked, but he did feel bad for stealing her thunder, “Would it make you feel better if I said that my Robin Hood is, like, extremely hurt right now? You have a fucking gigantic knife as a weapon, I only have, like, a bow and arrow. That’s kind of unfair.” (Y/N) bit her lip in hesitation, then picked up her figurine and lightly tapped it along the table to approach his. Putting Alice at a slight angle, she made a kissing sound as to imitate her character smooching his. “There, a kiss to make it better. I promise not to hurt you too much if you let me win next time.” 

The same strange feeling he had experienced for the first time two months ago, when they were sitting on the couch of her living room, and many more times after that, had come back. He would’ve blamed it on heartburn, except it was nothing like it. It wasn’t anything he was used to. “Hey, you alright?” (Y/N) furrowed her brows in concern “You’ve been doing that a lot lately, rubbing your chest like that.” Fuck. He had never noticed the habit he had developed. “I’m fine, just me and my heart problems, nothing unusual.” Filthy liar. Brows still furrowed, she moved closer to him and, with her legs tucked under her, she put her hand above his heart to check. “Jesus, Corpse, your heart is going a million miles per hour! Are you sure you’re okay?”

Looking up at him, she noticed how red he had suddenly become, and this worried her even more. “Bubs, you’re literally changing colours.” How did she expect him not to when she was doing this? (Y/N) further inspected his condition and put the back of her hand on his forehead, then his cheeks, to check his temperature. Expectedly, he was getting warmer. She stopped for a second and listened intently, only to hear his shallow breathing fill the silence. She then glanced down at his left hand resting on his thigh, and surely enough, found it trembling. “Alright, Corpse? Hey, can you hear me?”

His breathing only picked up its pace as the seconds went by. On the spur of the moment, (Y/N) placed herself in front of him, her legs on either side, and gently cradled his head. “Corpse, darling, I’m gonna need you to look at me, okay? Focus on me, focus on my breathing, mm?” He forced himself to tear his gaze away from the ground and did as he was told, eyes darting around, analysing her expression. He’s never found himself having an attack in her presence, it was surprising how well she was handling it.

Wait- darling? Bubs? “Now, can you name four things that you see? Can you do that for me?” He briefly scanned the room for answers, his mind still cluttered. “The fridge, the couch, the light and-” Did she mean to call him that? It was probably nothing, she could be using it with any of her friends for all he knew. He wasn’t special. “and the game, the board game. On the table.” “Good, now can you name three things you hear?” This one took a lot of concentration, there weren’t many obvious sounds for him to point out. “The motorcycle outside, your hands rubbing against my skin, uh-” What the fuck else? Was he losing his mind? The task was simple enough, why was he having so much trouble with it? “I’m sorry, I- I don’t hear anything else.” “No, it’s okay. You’re doing splendid, see? Your breathing is much more stable.” she reassured him, squeezing his upper arms.

“Lastly, can you give me two things you can smell?” Nodding, he closed his eyes. “The coffee you drank earlier.” It took him a moment to come up with something else, and just as she was about to get off of his lap, figuring he had done a good enough job, she heard him mumble “your perfume”. Scared he’d get another attack, Corpse avoided looking into her eyes, which he could feel the gaze of. He only picked up on the scent from her shifting closer in the last second. “That’s funny, I had forgotten to put perfume on this morning.” 

[bucky-iss-bae]

3am Cravings (Derek Hale x Reader)

A/N: It’s actually 3am for me while posting it. Thats why this is most deifnitly not my best work. I just, I wanted to write, and post something, I’ve got so much to improve on. 

Fandom: Teen Wolf

Pairing: Derek Hale x Reader

Warnings: A few swear words, hormononal annoyance?? 

Word Count: 1044

Masterlist  

Fandom List

You were awake at 3am again. You hated not being able to sleep, and all you wanted to do was eat. But then even eating was a mess right now. You hated the smell of most food, ate the weirdest combinations, and always hungry at the most ridiculous hours. Which you hated even more because right now you couldn’t sleep, you were hungry and it was 3am.

You were a little bit jealous because the person who caused all of this was sleeping peacefully beside you. Not worrying about back pain, not worrying about cravings, not worrying, while you were sat there not able to get to sleep again. Your body was getting big, swollen in places you didn’t want to be swollen, and this made everything so much more difficult for you. But you had decided, you were hungry, you were going to get food, and you did not care if you woke your husband up because once again, he’s the reason you’re like this.  

“Derek” You said poking him awake, “Derek” You called again,

He shot up this and looked around confused, “Huh, what? Shit, you good baby? Whats up?” The slur in his voice made him sound both adorable and sexy, any other day that would’ve turned you right on, but now you just had one thing in mind.

“I’m hungry” you announced, “I want food”

He rose his eyes before falling back on this bed, “You woke me up at…” He looked across at the clock, “3am. Just to tell me you’re hungry”

You nodded at that and he ran his hands over his face, his eyes slightly dropping still, “Okay. You want me to go grab you something from the kitchen?” He asked me,

You grimaced slightly, “Um�� well. You know how you love me”

A small adoring small appeared on his face, “Yeah baby, I love you. I also want to remind you its 3am”

You couldn’t help but huff out at that crossing your arms across your chest.

“Fine. You go back to sleep, because you don’t have bump to worry about. I’ll go get food myself” You grumbled climbing out of bed,

“Y/N” He groaned, trying to reach out to you, “Shit why do I forget how sensitive this pregnancy makes you” He murmured under his breath,

You turned to glare at him for that but instead slipped on some sweats and a hoodie before leaving the room to go downstairs.

“Stupid husband who doesn’t have to worry about stupid food or stupid cravings because he’s just a stupid man who doesn’t have to put up with this stupid shit” You grumbled under your breath, although you knew that this bump was most definitely not stupid, instead the best thing to ever happen to you, it was just a little bit inconvenient at times like this and with someone who cared more about their sleep. Although Derek had been helping so much, and been doing everything for you, you still got a little tiny bit frustrated because hormones.

“You know I can hear you right” He said from the top of the stairs,

“I don’t care if you and your stupid werewolf hearing can hear me. Stupid” you grumbled with a pout. You had to sit on the stairs to slip into some sneakers. It was getting more and more difficult.

“Come on baby. Let me go get whatever you need, you go get back into bed yeah, you’re supposed to be on bedrest anyway” He said from behind you.

“There’s no point. I’ll just sit there, bored, like I always do. And then I can’t sleep. So I’m literally only in bed because my back is so stupid because you decided to get me pregnant”

You could literally hear the smirk, since getting pregnant, Derek’s protectiveness had grown, he rarely let you get up to do anything, and then when your Doctor recommended being on bed rest, or at least resting more than usual, Derek took that literally.

“Baby, we decided on this. Just a reminder”

You turned around, giving him another glare, he was stood there in only his boxers, he was definitely not going anywhere.

“No, you and your stupid dick decided this” you said getting up with great difficulty, groaning in pain in the process. You still had a couple of months left of this but your bump with the cutest thing, even if it did make your whole body swell up.

He was helping you within seconds, an amused look on his face when you were both stood at the bottom of the staircase.

“Y/N, baby, give me two minutes. And I’ll go get ready, let me take you at least, I don’t care if you’re pissed at me. I know right now you’re a little…”

You cut him off with another look, “A little what?”

“A little… um… hungry. Hangry…”

You smiled and nodded, “Glad you get it. Now hurry up” You said slapping his ass causing him to jump which made you giggle, a tiny bit.

He shook his head and went up to get ready while you waited.

He came down a few minutes later wearing a wife beater and some grey joggers.

“Damnn, my baby daddy looking sexy as fuck” You grinned at him,

“Someone’s changed in the last two minutes” He said giving you a quick kiss before the two of you left.

“Where did you want to go?”

“I want a cheeseburger” You said, “But it’ll give me really bad heartburn. But I’ll be fine”

He looked across at you, “A cheeseburger? Where from?”

“McDonalds” you grinned,

“The things I’m doing for you baby”

“I know, and I love you, even if you are stupid, and I’m sorry for always being so… so frustrated. I’m just tired, and hungry, and I love you” He squeezed your thigh with his hand,

“I know baby, I love you too” He said, “And I knew what was to be expected whenever you got pregnant. I knew these midnight runs would be a part of it, at least this time you didn’t threaten to call someone to come get you”

You laughed at that but held his hand as the two of you basically went on a 3am date.

A/N - Sorry about all the typos and the grammer mistakes, I’m a whole tired mess xoxo 

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Dawn (2)

Loki x fem!Reader

ONE/TWO/THREE SHOT

Warnings: mention of past trauma and fluff.

Summary: A truce to end all wars leads to an alliance between Earth and Asgard in the form of Loki marrying a mortal. None of them what this. None except fate.

Word Count: sleep is nice. Water is super nice. music is dope nice. weather is siren-like nice. not being able to meet my dogs? not nice.

MASTERLIST in bio, darlings. Tags are open (check bio)

"Is it really necessary to do this? All of this?"

"It's a custom created by the Allfather, your grace," answers the handmaiden that helps you into the soft gold of a dress that seems to be way too over the top for something as simple as breakfast.

"Your Allfather needs to get laid," you whisper loud enough for her to hear and turn red.

"I beg your pardon, your grace?"

You whine as you watch yourself in the gigantic mirror in the bathroom. "Nothing. Come on, let's go."

She picks up your clothes from last night and the bags that have your belongings from the earth. "Where are you going with those?"

She turns around and bows a little. "To clean them all up, your grace. The Prince said that they might have been sullied with the party they arrived."

"Loki?"

"No, your grace. Prince Thor."

"...okay? Anyway, where do you guys have lunch?"

"In the kitchen, your grace."

"Cool. I'll join you guys there."

"B-but your grace!"

"You don't have to end every sentence with your grace, Sybll. Okay?"

"...y-yes, your-"

"What?"

"...yes."

"Okay. See you later, Sybll."

You shut the door behind you, leaving the poor young handmaiden's heart pumping as she tries to make sense of what has happened.

"See you...your grace," she whispers in the empty room.

.

"Oh, no, thank you, dear," you blurt, bringing your hand up to avoid the servant from serving an entire lobster- at least that's what it looks like- to you, "no...no meat for me, please."

Odin seems to be taken aback a little by that request. And a smile is the only thing you can conjure up.

Where. The fuck. Is everyone else?

The large table feels a tad much for the two of you. Not mention the nausea you are feeling from overthinking about Odin's internal judgements about you.

"Is everything all right, Y/N?" Odin finally asks, the half-eaten berry resting in between his fingers and thumb.

"Yes, sir, I mean, your majesty," you stutter, feeling yourself punching in the gut for screwing the first words coming out of you in front of him.

"Do you not like to eat meat, then?"

No father-in-law, it's just that all meat comes out as vomit when I am nervous.

"I...have a sensitive stomach."

"Huh," is all he bothers to state before going back to his berry.

So all you have on your plate now is leaves and fruits sitting as the subject for an art session. 

"The gardens of the palace are beautiful, s-your majesty," you mention, remembering the flowers in full bloom you saw this morning.

"Ah, yes," he exclaims with a delight, "Frigga used to take great care of them. It is all of her hard work that blooms in those soils. Like it does in my sons."

You nod, taking a piece of watermelon and filling your mouth with it. "Mmhmm."

"You must think of me as some foolish old bastard for my way of doing things, like...like joining two worlds in a peace treaty through marriage, don't you, young lady?"

All you can do is gulp down the melon sitting unchewed in your mouth as you look at him with a blank expression.

"For an inexperienced mind like yours does not understand how crucial it is to stand united in the face of adversity."

You nod with your mouth full. "You're right. I don't. So, if you don't mind me asking, what was Frigga like?"

The lines on Odin's forehead change and he is back in time to some fond memory while he moves his food around his fingers. "Frigga was gentle as the first cool breeze that soothes you at the crack of the dawn, my dear. She was my rock. She kept Asgard running even when I was not there. That too while she had two young notorious sons to take care of." He chuckles silently and looks into some distant void, letting the sun reflect on the moisture at the edge of his eye. "She loved Loki like her own son. When the world saw a monster in him, she saw an innocent soul that needed the love and care of a mother. She taught him all the magic she knew. She had a way with him, with his mind that was always in a different direction than the rest of us. Whether she knew him or not, she did her best to make him a better version of himself."

"Would she have agreed to this truce?"

The words are out sooner than you realise and Odin is out of the trance he was a while back, the eye losing its hues.

"My sons will do what I say, woman. They are the pride of Asgard. The reflection of what expanded my kingdom and its peace stands for. And Frigga would have agreed with me. With whatever decision I took."

The words crawl over your shoulders like ants. Your nails are scraping the edges of the pie crust as silence seems to erode any feelings of respect between the two of you.

"I bet he is your reflection as well, Loki-" you stress on his name with a tilt of his head- "I bet he was your reflection that day too when he was a child and you told him he was no good as a warrior and he'd rather go hide in his mother's skirt."

The clatter of fork and knives stops. So does the breath of every servant present in the vicinity, discreetly looking at their Allfather for any reaction.

"He was your reflection when the boys from the streets teased him for being so weak for a Prince. And when he could not take the insult anymore, he used his magic to teach them proper manners. Hm?"

You pick up the chalice of wine kept for you, squeezing an orange into it before taking a generous sip. "He was also your reflection the day Thor was to be crowned king-" you smacked your lips, keeping the chalice down with a thud- "and the day he let the wormhole swallow him?"

The air is heavy. Heavier than any third person can take.

"You might be sitting in a seat of privilege, woman, but do not forget you are speaking to your king." His tone is soft but the intended weight with which they flow is not.

"Yes. I do realise my place, my king. I am but a mere human tied to a son you deem unworthy of serving any purpose to you. But here's the thing, your highness-" you look Odin in the eye, your face losing every feeling- "I am not Frigga, Gods rest her soul."

The napkin resting on your lap is crumpled in your hand before being left on the plate as you get up, dragging your chair back and turning around to collide with the servant coming with a pitcher of wine.

His apologies are cut short by you, assuring him it's no big deal before turning back to the Allfather. "It was a good talk, your majesty," you state with a full-blown bow.

"Oh and one more thing! Loki does not have some different brains that you cannot figure out. He just thinks seven steps ahead of everyone else. I found out through observation. And the one time we both had to escape being killed. You should try it sometimes too."

And with that declaration, you walk out of the hall, leaving a stunned silence with an audience and a King sitting with heartburn.

.

FUCK!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DOOOOO!!!!!

Your steps cannot match your heart rate at this point as you try to make your way back to Loki's room. And the constant flashbacks to the conversation you just had do not help. At all. If only the ground would crack open and swallow you right now.

You really need to keep your issues with controlling fathers in check, woman!

Well, TOO LATE! you yell back at your inner voice.

The corridors are a blur. So are the voices of people asking you if you're okay.

You didn't have to defend him like that.

You try to shove your inner voice away.

What do you even know about him?

You can finally see the door to your sanctuary, and your steps get faster than they already are.

What is Odin going to do to you now?

Opening the door, you throw yourself inside before shutting it back and letting the whimpers of weakened shallow breaths become audible.

"Okay, breathe. Breathe breathe breathe-" you take in a lungful- "yes, breathe."

Five times more and your heart finally finds a rhythm for your brain to function a bit better, bringing your attention to the wetness you feel on your stomach and realise you're still in the soiled dress with a huge blotch of wine stain colouring it in an ugly tone.

Undoing the knots around you, you walk to the bathroom to change into clean clothes and realise only when you are standing naked in there that all your clothes have been taken for a wash.

Perfect.

Your palms are rubbed hard against your face with frustrated groans before you catch a glimpse of the black fabric lying on top of one of Loki’s drawers; the one he wore last night.

Oh, screw it.

The cotton shirt slides over you with ease, flowing till your thighs, though the thin fabric barely covers much. With that taken care of, you walk over to the other drawers and cabinets to find anything else you can wear for the moment.

.

“Where were you two?!”

“Good to see you too, Sif,” Thor comments with a tone of sarcasm as a fuming Sif walks over to the brothers getting down from their horses.

“We went to inspect the new territories under Vanaheim. There was a little disturbance there last night,” Loki mentions as he twists and adjusts his shoulder with a muted grunt. No one notices for there are other pressing matters at hand.

“The Allfather is fuming because of your absence at breakfast today. Especially since-” she pauses to look at Loki and point out at him in general, which reasonably confuses both the brothers- “and on top of that things went downhill from here thanks to that woman.”

Now, this leads to the brothers to furrow their brows at Sif.

“Downhill how?” Thor asks.

“Spare no details,” Loki adds.

.

“This...is...hilarious.” Loki guffaws as he ends the sentence and this time Thor is the one to roll his eyes.

“It is still hard to believe Y/N would do something like this,” the blond states.

“Oh, Thor,” Loki purrs with a jump in his step, making his brother automatically uncomfortable, “it’s not that hard to believe once you realise she has lived the better part of her life with Stark. She has learned the snark from the best.”

“How do you even know what that word means?” Thor gasps in frustration. He opens his mouth to follow it up with a contradiction before pausing to run Loki’s words in his mind, hating the smirk building over his brother’s lips as realisation dawns on him.

“I need to talk to her about this-”

“WOAH! Woah! Easy brother,” Loki exclaims, stopping him with a hand on his chest, pausing the steps just outside the younger one’s room, “are you sure you want to do that?”

“What do you mean? Of course-”

“Thor-” Loki pats his brother’s chest as a gesture of patience- “first, talk to her only if you yourself have never defied your father.”

Thor looks at Loki with judgment-filled eyes, getting his brother’s index finger to wait and listen for more. “Second, talk to her with the thought that she barely has been here for a day and she has to spend the rest of her life here. Away from everything she knows.”

This, somehow, dilutes the smoke rising from the embers inside Thor. Loki isn’t wrong after all. “And third, don’t follow me inside. I am going to take a long shower.”

“Wha-”

“What? Sybll said Y/N told her she’ll join her for lunch in the kitchen. Now off you go,” he shoos his brother away with his hands before shutting his bedroom door behind him.

A chuckle leaves him involuntarily as he recalls Sif’s word by word description of how it all went down in the dining hall.

Good for her , he wonders, taking his armour off, there will be something to keep Odin and Thor occupied.

The arm plate stops short from landing on the table with a thud as a thought stirs in Loki’s mind, slowly invading his heart through the tiniest of veins. Letting the arm plate softly rest on the table, he lets his fingers grab the back of his doublet to remove it.

Why did she defend me in front of Odin?

The summer breeze from outside takes the first chance it gets to rub itself all over the naked chest and back of the God lost in a puzzle which isn’t that hard to solve once he has all the pieces.

Right. Forgot she had a mad father too. What was it that Stark said we were? Two kids with daddy issues.

Shaking his head, his fingers undo the first button on his pants when he hears a soft clunk from somewhere within the room. And the relaxed cat becomes the predator within a flash.

.

Why does he have so many greens and blacks?

The drawers and closets in front of all have nothing but those hues. Wait, is he colourblind?

Grunting and stomping your feet for not finding anything you could borrow from your ‘husband’s’ clothing, you close all that is opened and start to move towards the bedroom to call for Sybll for a change of clothes when faint voices are heard outside followed by a door being shut.

It takes a lot for your heart to jump in your mouth; and right now, that lot is Loki walking in the room with a smile, undoing his armour while looking at some invisible void in the distance.

Fuck!

You could not go out in front of him like this. In his nightshirt that was barely covering your assets.

Hiding behind the archway next to an Oakwood drawer, you take a peek at the God lost in some thought. There is a faint smile on his unexpectedly pink lips. What is he thinking? That thought runs away and hides in a corner as soon as it sees long pale fingers are pulling away the doublet from above his head to reveal a bod sculpted in some mountains of divine beauty not meant for the naked eye.

Your breath gets caught in the moment of revelation. Wasn't he supposed to be...frail? At least that's what you thought when you first saw him. But now that you think about it, anyone and everyone looks frail in front of Thor. But never in your life would you have thought that all that layer of clothing hid a figure like this.

You won a lottery, woman , your inner voice nudges and winks at you before it is pushed into a dark corner. Though I feel bad for him for getting stuck with you , it shouts as it fades into the darkness. The muscles on his back shift when he rolls his shoulders and you feel your insides shudder. Does Asgard realise what they're missing under all that leather? Is what you question till you see marks and bruises that seem old- healed but not so thoroughly. Hmm, everything with him has a reason, doesn't it?

Your daylight musing seems to crack as you realise- with his back to you- he is about to open his pants.

No matter how enticing it seems to the dark corners of your brain, you draw yourself back from the archway, colliding straight into a drawer. You IDIOT!!

Moving on your toes, silent as a cat, your steps go backwards, past the drawers and lux bathtubs towards the balcony while your eyes stay on the archway, waiting for your heart to stop any moment that Loki showed his face through it.

One step back and you are in the balcony, your feet feeling the cold stone under them while your back collides into something equally cold and rigid. And it does not raise all those tiny hairs on your body till you can feel that cold rise and fall rise in your back.

MOTHERF-

The siren voice of the night sings right into your ear.

"Looking for someone?"

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #399

“i was raised by the devil’s own kin, taught me that a good time was never a sin”

Do you like wine? NOOOOOOO that shit is gross. Explain the grossest thing that's ever happened to you? Having an infected pilonidal cyst drained. Would you rather go on holiday somewhere warm or somewhere cold? Cold, for sure. What would be your ideal pet? I reeeeaaaally want a very visibly sunset morph ball python one day. The really pretty ones are expensive as fuck, but omg, I want one so badly. What was the last book you were required to read for school? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. It was fantastic. Would you chew somebody else's gum? EW FUCK NO. What was the last type of meat you ate? Chicken. How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Whenever they wanted, as long as a professional did it. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Probably McDonald's. Bats are not spooky or are they? I adore bats. Do you like the song "Womanizer?" Unabashedly, yes, haha. I love the beat and it's really catchy. Do you know how to change a tire? Nope. How big is your backyard? Very small. What is your favorite Nintendo 64 game? I've actually never played a Nintendo 64. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? I don't want any. Does a career in finance sound interesting to you? Absolutely not. When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I. HATE. Beans. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Those that deny the existence of dinosaurs. Fossils don't lie. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s your favorite dessert? That's so hard, but probably cheesecake. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? Vanilla ice cream. Do you know anybody who is ambidextrous? Sara. Have you ever been 4-wheeling? Yes. Will you be attending any weddings in the near future? No. If you have glasses, have you ever smashed them? No. What was the last thing you got a really good deal on? My APAP mask. Insurance covered it way more than even the women in the office were used to so had to look into it. Insurance has been nice to me lately, from TMS to this. What was the last reason you took medicine? I had a massive headache. Any important birthdays coming up? My older sister's was today, and her eldest daughter's is in two days. Mark's birthday is the 28th, and that's like a holiday in my book lmao. What colour are your headphones? These earplugs are pink. How do you express your creativity? I mostly write RP and rarely poems. I also like to draw sometimes, and I'm big into photography. Gypsies or gnomes? Gypsies. Dragons or fairies? Dragons are my favorite mythological creatures. Elves or pixies? Elves. Where is your favourite place to get breakfast? Maybe Cracker Barrel? Or Waffle House. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer. I hated it. Nickname you’re called the most? "Britt" is the most used. Do you sleep on your stomach? I can't now with my mask. -_- That's how I usually slept. Have you ever been called a bitch? Yes. Would you ever want a super-realistic baby doll? Fuuuuuuuuuck no. I don't like dolls, never mind realistic ones. Ladybugs or bumblebees? Ladybugs. <3 What is the best thing that ever happened to you? My first round of a partial hospitalization program and meeting my psychiatrist. Both that therapy and proper medication is the reason I'm alive. What is something really hurtful someone you love has said to you? That I was an "ungrateful bitch." What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? One for advanced ball python husbandry. There are some SERIOUS elitists in there, but it does have great information. Did your mom ever own a typewriter? I think she did? We used to have one, so. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Maybe orange. I want to wear a black dress and get married in the fall, so, Halloween vibes! :') Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska. Do you wear a watch every day? I never do. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? No, thankfully. Not yet, anyway. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I am much happier with pets. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic ones. Who is/was the best friend you have ever had? Sara. Do you own a trenchcoat? No, but I wish. They're badass. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? My iPod that I've had since middle school. That bitch STILL works, and I use it heavily. Are you currently in a smoking environment? No; people aren't allowed to smoke in our house. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Does anyone you know own a bird that can talk? My old friend Alex did. I don't know if I can call her my "friend" anymore because I haven't seen or heard from her in well over a year at the bare minimum. Do you ever not speak to someone because you’re afraid you’ll annoy them? STORY OF MY LIFE. Is there any drama going on in your circle of friends? No. But I don't really have a "circle" of friends to begin with. Have you ever lost your luggage at an airport? No. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster that actually scared you? I don't go on rollercoasters. If given the opportunity, would you act in a commercial? No. Do you believe in finders keepers in most situations? No. How many pills do you currently take a day? Ugh... Now keep in mind this number encompasses medications that I just have to take a larger dose of that particular med; I don't take this number of different prescriptions. AS a whole though, I take uhhh. Somewhere around nine or ten in the morning, and six at night. I might be off about my morning pills. What do you take medication for? Bipolarity and depression, anxiety, OCD, severe heartburn, even more intense nightmares, uhhh... maybe I'm forgetting others? Idk, man. I'm on too many. Have you ever had a bag stolen? No. What class from high school did you love the most? Art. What class did you hate the most? Economics. If you don’t have a car, do you wish you did? Not at this very moment, because it'd be useless as I don't currently drive. Have you ever had a job you loved? Nope. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I just eat normal fries when they're offered. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? At least twice. Have you been best friends with someone of a different race? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? I think only my grandmother has done that. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes, while Dad doesn't have one. What do you absolutely have to have to make your birthday feel special? My family. Mice or roaches? I love mice, but roaches creep me out. Have you ever received a gift and truly did not know what it was? Yes. A family friend is good at that. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No. Do you like being in pictures? NO. Do you travel a lot? Not at all. Have you ever eaten a dog treat? No. I've eaten a guinea pig treat though, haha. And it wasn't awful. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but turns out my alcohol tolerance is too high while only liking weak alcohol to begin with. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't do that, I'd get way too dizzy, and besides, I don't want a headache. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I've been wondering if I should (for the most part) abandon human photography. I've lost so much passion for it, and besides, I feel like I'm going nowhere with it. I know I really, really shouldn't, though. Have you ever captured a moth? I put a caterpillar in one of those little plastic habitats once as a kid that grew into a moth. I then released it, of course. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Do you have a really fat cat? No, he's healthy. Do your initials spell a word? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? Yes, that was my favorite! Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? No. Do your parents allow you to have your privacy? Yes. Have you ever been severely burned? No. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've had many, actually. Guess with who. What was the weirdest thing you've ever seen cross the road? I want to say a turkey? Or maybe it was beside the road.

[deanstwistedsoul]

They had everything they could want...

... Until they didn’t.

Katsuki and Ochako finally got their daughter... for a little while

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23738497

Ochako gave their youngest son, Haruki, one more glance before she pulled the door to. She could definitely feel the wariness of the day finally getting to her and she was ready to change into pyjamas, fall into bed and sleep until one of their kids demanded their attention. A yawn escaped her as she nudged their bedroom door open with her hip and she made quick work of changing her clothes and  climbing into bed. Attending a birthday party for one of their friends kids had been a great idea, bring Haruki and Ichiro, let them run around, burn some energy off and tire themselves out whilst her and Katsuki caught up with their friends and old class mates. 

She sighed happily as she fell onto her bed, face hitting the cool surface of her soft pillows. There was a soft pad of feet and the quiet swish of their bedroom door closing and Ochako hummed as the bed dipped with the press of his knee between her legs, his warm hands ghosting across the backs of her thighs. "Kats," she whispered. He didn't say anything as his hands skirted higher, lips following the same paths with slow butterfly kisses. He was silent as his fingers inched underneath her shirt, slowly pushing it up until he could settle his palms against her waist. His teeth nipped at her back, the flat of his tongue swiping across her Venus dimples and she chuckled. "Ichiro?" 

"Sleeping like a damn rock." His fingers tightened their hold on her waist and she bit her lip as she was suddenly turned onto her back. She didn't get chance to see the look in Katsuki's eyes as he settled himself between her legs to rest his cheek against her stomach. Ochako raised a brow at the sudden change and carded her fingers through his hair, letting her nails drag against his scalp every now and then. It wasn't often the number three pro hero settled against Ochako in a strange silence that was thick with something on the tip of his tongue. He'd been quiet as they'd left Deku's place, quiet as he buckled Ichiro into his seat and near silent as he drove them home. She tried to think about what could be on his mind and if anything had happened at the birthday party. "I want another one." Oh. "A girl." Oh. Katsuki had spent most of his time at the party surrounded by their friends daughters, fingers dragging, tugging, braiding and styling their hair to their demands. He had a knack for hair styling, something he'd probably gotten from his few times spent at his Mother's fashion shoots, and all the little girls knew it and took full advantage with wide eyes, pouting lips and high squeaked pleas every time there was any kind of group event. And now his silence made sense. They hadn't talked about having another since Haruki had been born, maybe having spoken about it once or twice when he'd outgrown his baby clothes. "And this one's got to be fucking blonde."

She cackled at that, having enjoyed Katsuki's huffs when both Haruki and Ichiro had been born with her chocolate hair. Ichiro even had her eyes whilst Haruki at least had Katsuki's crimson gaze, which in Katsuki's opinion wasn't even right. "Too damn soft." They were both without a doubt Ochako's and both Mina and Eijiro had teased Katsuki that his genes seemed to be weak compared to Ochako's. Eijirou had come out of that argument with a few new bruises and a death threat from Katsuki. "Even if we did have a third, there's no guarantee."

He lifted his head to press a kiss to her stomach, "If she knows what's good for her she'll be a fucking girl." 

"Katsuki!" Ochako laughed, "You can't threaten our hypothetical daughter."

Katsuki sat up onto his knees, lips curled into a smirk as he bracketed her in by her waist, "Fucking watch me." He turned his gaze back down to Ochako's stomach. "You hear me you little shit? When your Mom finally decides to agree with me, you're going to be a good baby and be a fucking girl or there'll be problems."

Ochako shoved one hand to his face as she squirmed with laughter, her other hand coming up to try to muffle the laughs so as to not wake their two sleeping sons. "Katsuki."

He grinned as he crawled up her body and pulled her hand away from her mouth, pinning it to the bed. "You didn't say no."

She stuck her tongue out at him and finally felt her giggles dying down. "I didn't say yes either." 

"Cheeks," he growled, lips curling into a dangerous smirk. After a few quiet seconds his features softened and he captured her lips in a gentle press. "I'm serious." 

She hummed and brought her free hand up to cup his cheek, thumb brushing over a shrapnel scar he'd gotten two years ago that highlighted his cheek. "I'll think about it."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well?" Katsuki blurted as he stared at the monitor that showed the ultrasound of the third addition to the Bakugo household. 

"Katsuki," Ochako chided, flipping her hand back to swat at his shoulder. 

Their sonographer ignored his attitude with a smile to her face. Thank God there were people who could put up with her husband's attitude besides her. "I'm trying my best Mr Bakugo, however the little one is very lively."

"Yeah," Ochako hummed, "tell me about it."

Katsuki glared at Ochako's stomach, "Quit moving you damn brat."

The Sonographer peered over at Katsuki with an amused smile before she turned back to the small screen. "Unfortunately, we don't have the time to sit around and wait for Bakugo Junior to settle down. But, it looks healthy and it's clearly very active. I don't see any problems so far."

Katsuki's eyes narrowed, "Little shit."

Ochako swatted his shoulder again and allowed the cream to be cleaned from her stomach. "Thank you. That's what's important right now." She could feel her husband's glare and ignored him with a grin. Their son or daughter was healthy, lively, active and a nightmare for their father already. As she righted her clothes and stood back onto her feet Katsuki accepted the printed ultrasound with a glare at the picture. Ochako knew that he wouldn't be upset if their third child turned out to be another boy, but a part of her was also hoping for it to be a girl. The drive home had been filled with curses from himself, more so than normal, and Ochako answered the waiting questions from their friends with a shrug emoji and a comment of, "Kid wouldn't stay still." Momo sent her well wishes and said she completly understood. Even hers and Shoto's ultrasound had been as much use and both expectant parents wished each other better luck at their next scan. 

Haruki and Ichiro ambushed them the moment they got home, Haruki wrapping his arms around Ochako's waist with wide eyes. "What is it? What is it?"

Ichiro rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet with an excited grin, "Is it a girl?" 

"We don't know," Katsuki huffed and he scooped their eldest up and held him over his shoulder in a fireman's lift. "You been good for your grandmother?"

"They've been wonderful," Mrs Uraraka said as she approached the couple. 

"Thanks, Mom," Ochako said and she hugged the older woman. 

"So, when's it due?"

"July 2nd," Katsuki said. Ichiro laughed behind him as he held the boy by his feet over his shoulders. "You good back there kid?"

"Yeah!"

"Good!" Haruki turned his attention to Katsuki as well and he jumped up, his hands outstretched. "Hang on, Ruki." He let go of one of Ichiro's legs to wrap his arm behind him and drag the nine year old against his side. He reached down and hooked Haruki in his other arm and marched them across their living room to drop them onto the large couch. Both boys jumped up and at their Father again and as he managed to grab Haruki his phone rang. "Crap," he muttered and he dropped their four year old onto the couch again with a grin as he pulled his phone from his pocket. "I got to go," he said and he ruffled Ichiro's hair and turned back towards his wife. He pecked her lips with a "Good luck, stay safe," from her and he pressed a hand to her stomach. "Remember," he pointed at her stomach, "girl." And he was out the door after a quick peck to Mrs Uraraka's cheek. 

Mrs Uraraka turned to her daughter with a knowing smirk, "Is he still scared of your father?" 

Ochako chuckled as she took the jucie box from Haruki's hands and opened it for him, "You mean since he threatened all future generations of Katsuki's if he ever hurt me? Yeah, he's still scared."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a press of lips to her neck and a pair of warm arms circling her shoulders. "You should be resting," Katsuki mumbled as he reached for the sponge and plate in her hand. 

"I can clean some plates!" 

He hummed and she could feel his smirk. Katsuki settled the offending items down and wrapped his arms around her, sliding one hand over her round stomach. "Cheeks, let me take care of you both. That's why I'm here." She puffed her cheeks out a huff. It was nice that Katsuki would happily make her sit and rest herself whilst he took care of the house work, and he did exactly that as much as could around hero work. He'd reduced his hours so that he could their sons lunches, get them to bed, prepare dinner, clean the house, grab groceries and keep the household running whilst Ochako literally put her feet up. She wanted to argue that she'd been pregnant before and knew what she could and couldn't do, but she also knew that this pregnancy had been the worst so far. Horrendous morning sickness, kicking in her stomach at all hours of the day and night, heartburn, leg cramps, being overly sensitive emotionally, being overly cranky, back ache, lethargy. This was the worst pregnancy of Ochako's life and she was ready for it to be over. 

"Fine," she huffed, feeling her emotions crank from content to pissed immediately. And now she really needed to pee, again, for the fourth time in that hour alone. 

"Hey!" Katsuki shouted and she slipped her hand out of his grip. Yes, she was being irrational, but she was the one carrying what some of the other girls had jokingly dubbed the spawn of satan since she'd complained about all of her issues. The only person who had even come close to experiencing torture was Kyoka who had made Kaminari cry and hide in Sero's house for a week. 

"I'm going to rest!" she yelled. "Like you said!" 

"Ochako." 

She froze at the whisper of her name and felt panic bubble inside of her chest. Why did he sound scared? He'd seen worse from her and it was a few seconds before she turned, letting out a sigh that made he entire body sag. When her eyes locked onto him she froze again. His eyes were fixed on the floor by her feet, wide and concerned and he seemed pale. Instinctively she rubbed her hands over her stomach and bit her lip as she finally felt something trickle down her leg. "What-" she whispered and she tried to look down at herself and spotted a hint of red. "Katsuki?" she cried and her emotions dropped into her stomach. 

His eyes locked onto hers and for a moment they just stared at one another, then he moved first, ushering her over to her shoes as he snatched his phone and keys. "We're going," he said.

Tears pricked at the corners of Ochako's cheeks as she propped one hand against the wall to steady herself. "Katsuki," she whimpered, scared at what that thin line of blood meant. She pressed a hand to her stomach, worried her bottom lip between her teeth and pressed ever so slightly against her stomach. Of all the times for their baby to stop moving, now was not it. "I can't feel it," she cried, "Katsuki it's not-" 

He cupped her face and pressed his head to hers, "It'll be fine. You've been feeling the brat all morning. It'll be fine." 

She sniffed as she latched a hand around his wrist, "One more month." And she felt another trickle on the inside of her leg, making her let out a cry.

He kissed her temple and snagged their coats and a couple of towels, "It'll be fine. Everything will be okay." 

Thank god the kids are in school, she thought dully as Katsuki bundled them out of the door, phone pressed to his ear. She couldn't even focus on where she was walking without his arm around her and she was left to cradle her stomach with her head pressed against the window. Katsuki was saying something to her or the phone or both, she didn't know. All she did know was that something wasn't right and she regretted her earlier thoughts for all of this to be over. 

By the time they'd made it to the hospital she could barely feel her legs and Katsuki had had to carry her through the emergency doors, yelling for somebody to help them now. 

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"Little terror trying to kill your Mom. What are you thinking?" Ochako blinked blearily at Katsuki's soft voice and she screwed her eyes shut at a wave of pain coursing through her. She wasn't even aware she'd hissed or made any sound until there was a hand in hers and she blinked up to see Katsuki tiredly smiling down at her. "How you doing?" he whispered. 

"I hurt," she mumbled. 

The corners of his lips twitched and he perched on the edge of the bed to press a kiss to her temple. "I love you, I love you so fucking much. You're incredible, you know that?" 

Ochako hummed and let herself lean against her husbands side, making a point to ignore the tears in his voice. The last time he'd sounded so emotional was when she'd ended up in the hospital two years ago due to a villain incident. She'd had a nasty blow to the head and had been unconscious for three days and a scar for her efforts. After what felt like forever, with Katsuki holding her against his side, pressing kisses to her temple and cooing, she finally cracked her eyes open and peered over at the tiny bundle in his other arm. Warmth bloomed in her chest and she felt a new wave of tears tickle the corners of her eyes. 

"I got my fucking girl," Katsuki beamed and Ochako laughed as she melted even more against his side. "Fucking demon of a child for what she's put you through, but a girl." 

"I want to hold her." 

Katsuki withdrew his arm to shuffle in his seat before he handed over their daughter to her mother. Ochako's smile widened into a watery grin as she peered down at the tiny baby wrapped in an obscene amount of blanket. She reached a hand up to brush a finger over the obviously very blonde tufts of hair and she gasped when their daughter- daughter- opened her eyes and made a noise as she wriggled and Ochako cooed with renewed emotions. "She looks like you." 

Katsuki chuckled, "It's about fucking time. Shitty hair can kiss my ass now." 

Ochake laughed and fell against his side, eyes fixed on their daughter's red eyes that matched her Father's fiery own. "What do you want to call her?" 

There was silence for nearly a full minute before Katsuki said, "Okimi?" 

"Okimi," she repeated and the little girl in question wriggled her arms free into a tiny stretch and curled back up, eyes closing in content. Ochako hummed and nodded her head, "Okimi Bakugo."

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Ichiro treated Okimi like she was made of glass and Haruki didn't want to pick her up in case he hurt her. Ochako was thankful that there were no undelrying health issues so far from the little girl's nearly five week early birth and Katsuki was totally wrapped around her tiny fingers, even if he did deny it. Which is why Ochako often found Katsuki either sprawled on the couch, tiny bundle on his chest or slouched in the rocking chair in the nursery, Okimi drooling an impressively large wet patch into his shoulder. 

If the pregnancy had been bad then the first year of her life had been hell. Okimi liked to wake up almost every hour, crying and screaming until she usually got a full feed and anytime Katsuki grumbled or swore at the "fucking greedy gremlin" their daughter usually stopped her crying long enough to blink up at him, twist in the blankets and giggle, arms beating back and forth in her cute little Ground Zero or Uravity onesies. Ochako had put her in a Deku one once and Katsuki had almost burnt the thing when he'd seen it, until Okimi promptly threw up all over herself and the onesie, making the blonde hero laugh and snap an image to Deku. "This is what my kid thinks of you already." The punch to his arm from Ochako had been worth it as he'd cleaned her up and changed her clothes. 

But Ochako wouldn't change any of it for the world as she watched Haruki surround Okimi with his favourite stuffed toys whilst Ichiro insisted on feeding his little sister. She just knew she would grow up with two brothers who would fight the world for her. 

Even as Okimi started to grow and talk, she had every boy in the family wrapped happily around her finger. Ichiro always picked her up when she asked for it, Haruki handed her whatever stuffed teddy she asked for. 

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Things everybody had learnt about Okimi Bakugo through play dates and meet ups:

- Likes spicy food just like Katsuki

- Found it hilarious when her Dad yelled

- Hates socks

- Always pulls them off

- Always getting Ichiro to float her with his quirk, much to her parents dismay and horror

- Best friends with Aito Todoroki (who was only three months older than her)

- Climbs into Katsuki's lap to eat his food

- Her first word had been "Cheeks" much to everyone's amusement

- Loved sleeping in the same bed as Haruki

- Could climb out of anything and had terrfied her parents more than once ("How the hell did she get on top of the fridge?" "Ichiro?" "He better not have!" "THE BABY GATE WAS LOCKED! WHY IS SHE AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS!")

- Disliked Deku (Katsuki found this to be hilarious)

- Had a strange like for Denki

- Always sad when her play dates with Aito and Hiroyoki Kirishima ended

- Hates carrots

- Knew the art of ignoring her parents with a shit eating grin

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Ochako let out a breath as she fastened the hand cuffs into place, a deep frown furrowed in her brows. Lately it felt as though villains, even low life ones, had been causing more trouble than usual. They'd been more active and it felt as though something big was coming. And it wasn't just herself who had noticed this, it had been the other heros too. All those years ago the League of Villians had managed to just scrape an escape from the heroes and liked to resurface every now and then to show that they still mattered and with every resurface came deaths, chaos and destruction. 

There was an explosion behind her and she glanced over her shoulder to see her husband blasting another villain into the ground, yelling at him to "Know your place, asshole!" before he cuffed him to a lamp post and looked around them. There had been numerous incidents all through the city, all through Japan that had popped up simultaneously, putting all heroes on edge and in silent agreement to be in radio contact with each other, just in case. 

"We're good!" Denki shouted breathlessly. 

Ochako hummed as she surveyed the damage. They'd managed to get civilians out of the area before anything major had happened and the damage was minimised to just two streets and three buildings. "We're all set over here," she let everybody know. 

There were sirens in the distance and she prayed that everybody else was fine, counting her thanks as everybody's voices started to trickle over the lines. Katsuki was behind her, yelling at some civillians who'd started to surround them and clamour for autographs and she let out a sigh. Some things didn't change. 

"All clear!" Eijiro shouted.

"Has anybody heard from Momo or Shoto?" Tenya asked. 

Ochako's stomach twisted a little at that. She'd been hearing Momo all through the fights and now that she thought about it, she'd been strangely quiet for a while now. 

"If they're fucking playing nookie I'll murder them bo-"

"Ochako, Katsuki," Shoto shouted at them over their comms and Ochako did not like the sound of urgency in his voice. She felt her stomach knot again and looked over at her husband and she could tell that his shoulders were tense in anticipation. "There's been an incident at the nursery."

"What?" Katsuki growled.

The nursery Okimi and Aito attended. "Shoto?" Ochako whispered.

"Momo's already on her way. We tried to call you-" Ochako scrambled at her pockets, upset, hurt and pissed when she found her phone to have a large crack down a very black and unresponsive screen. Katsuki never took his phone with him on the job and was even less likely to when she was with him. "The police are there and-"

"Police?" Ochako echoed and she double checked that the villain in front of her wasn't going anywhere. 

"We're coming," Katsuki mumbled and Ochako nodded, trying to ignore the fear creeping into her stomach. Had one of the villains attacks gotten too close to the nursery? What if their kids had gotten hurt? And if their kid was hurt what about anybody else's? Oh god Okimi- "Oi," Katsuki's hand on her shoulder pulled her from her spiralling thoughts and she swallowed a lump in her throat as she took off after Katsuki. Their agencies could yell at them later for the misuse of their quirks to get themselves across town, she couldn't care less at the minute and as they turned the last corner she almost lost her balance and fell over. One side of the nursery was collapsed, the adjoining playground damaged and the floor torn up. Momo's signature ponytail was visible in front of the gates, little four year old Aito clutching tightly to her shoulders with his head of red tinted white hair buried in her shoulder. Shoto was off to one side, his hero costume torn from the recent attacks, talking to a police officer. The nursery teachers were huddling other children together as parents trickled in to scoop their baby up and clutch them tightly to their chest. Ochako froze, eyes looking over all of the children as she failed to spot a familar head of yellow hair. Katsuki was already marching forward, pausing when he noticed that she was following him and reaching back to tug her forward. "Icy-Hot! Where's Okimi?" 

It was the officer who approached Katsuki, his hands raised and his face twisted into- pity? Ochako felt tears prickle her eyes as she stepped past them to look at the children again. She couldn't see Okimi. Where was their baby? Their daughter? Why couldn't she see her? "Mr Bakugo, I'm sorry can we-" 

"What?" Katsuki barked, voice just on the edge of verballly maiming the guy.

Shoto was still on the periphery, eyes glancing from one half of the married couple to the other and Ochako didn't like the look in his eyes. Something wasn't right. "Okimi!" she shouted. Her eyes glanced over to Momo who caught her gaze, stared at her before she looked ready to cry as she slapped one hand over her mouth. "Baby?" Ochako tried again. 

"Villains attacked the nursery," Shoto blurted. Brown and red rounded on him and years of being their friends made Shoto invulnerable to the murder in Katsuki's shocked gaze and the panic in Ochako's wide eyed stare. Shoto glanced away and clearly had trouble with the words that he was trying to say. Ochako tentatively reached out and he snapped his eyes up with anguish before he managed a cracked, "Th-they took h-er." 

They took her. They took her. They... took... her. They... ... took... ... her... Ochako was numb. They took her? Villains took her daughter? She couldn't even find her voice. Villains took Okimi? Why? What could they- she was four. A kid. Took h-? 

Katsuki snatched the front of Shoto's costume and dragged him to himself, "THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?" 

"Katsuki," Shoto started and Ochako glanced up at her husband to see the corners of his eyes were wet, he ground his teeth together in a loud snarl and the muscles of his arms shook. "I- I'm sorry." 

"Mr Bakugo, please-" 

Katsuki knocked the officer's arm away from him as he pinned Shoto in place, anger radiating from him as he shook, the tears finally breaking free as they slowly slid down his face. "What. Did. You. Say?"

"Villains attacked the nursery," Shoto said slowly, "and took your daughter." 

His grip on Shoto's costume loosened just enough for the number two hero to pull himself out of Katsuki’s grip. “Wh-why?” Katsuki whispered, eyes losing their wrath and softening into fear as he stared past Shoto’s head. “Why the fuck-” his voice cracked and Ochako couldn’t hold herself together any more, tears running freely down her face. She shook her head as the officer repeated the harsh truth, yes, villains had attached the nursery and had taken Okimi. The police had already been informed and other officers were taking statements from the nursery staff. There were no other children missing and this seemed like the work of the League. They would do their best to find their daughter.

Ochako had stopped listening after Shoto’s statement, hands clutching at her hero outfit with sobs that shook her body. Her little girl, her daughter her baby. She couldn’t think, she was numb, she could feel anything but empty and oh god why would they take theirs? Why Okimi? Why- She was pulled into a very warm, firm chest and she didn’t care who it was as she wrapped her arms around them and sobbed. Was this why there’d been so many crimes lately? Was it all building up to this? Her sobs wracked her body as she tried to convince herself that this wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. What could the league possibly want with a four year old? What- Her knees gave out and she could faintly hear Katsuki whispering brokenly in her ear, words too quiet for her to make out. Her mind was too loud to focus on any thing. Ichiro and Haruki. Okimi. Her parents. His parents. The press. Their friends. Okimi. Her bedroom. The league of villains. Okimi. “Why?” she cried into the chest that held her, which she learnt was Katsuki’s. “W-why?”

“We’ll find her, Ochako,” Katsuki breathed hoarsely and she could hear the doubt in his voice. They hadn’t had a lead on the League in years, what were the chances they’d get one now? “We’ll find her.”

[mamabearcatfanfics]

And Baby Makes Three

This is the first chapter of my new NaLu family slice of life serial - Welcome to Fatherhood.  Can’t promise regular updates, but whenever I wanna write Modern AU Natsu and Lucy family oneshots, it’ll end up here.  Expect sweetness and fluff, occasional family angst, but mostly just happy times with Natsu and Lucy and the newest member of the Dragneel family. Enjoy!

If you’ve read The Not So Good Very Bad Day and think you’ve seen it all before, keep reading - I promise there’s more. Mentions of pregnancy and labour.

💕💗💕

"Hey Luce, I got that garlic bread that you wanted", called out Natsu, pushing the front door to their apartment shut behind him. He walked into the kitchen with the grocery bags, plonking them onto the bench next to the sink. It looked like Lucy had already made a start on dinner; a rich bolognese sauce was simmering on the stove, and the spaghetti was bubbling in a pot of salted water. He turned on the oven and put the foil wrapped garlic bread in; dinner looked like it would be ready any minute.

"Luce?" called out Natsu, wondering where his wife had got to. He had his answer a few seconds later as he heard the toilet flush, and he grinned, realising he should have known where she would be. Lucy's constant visits to the bathroom now that she was eight and a half months pregnant were a running joke between them, one that she was getting mightily tired of.

Natsu put the groceries away while he waited for Lucy to appear, then peered down the hallway with a little trepidation, wondering which Lucy would greet him tonight. Over the last two weeks, her mood swings were getting a little… extreme. Not that he was complaining too much. At least he wasn't the one that was going to have to push a baby out anytime soon. Nevertheless, he smiled in relief when Lucy looked happy to see him, although she also looked exhausted.

Her long golden locks were shoved into a messy bun, and she was already changed into her pj's even though it was only early in the evening – a stretched black singlet top that used to be his and a pair of boxers with the waistband pushed down below her baby bump. One more day of work, and she'd be on maternity leave, and then only two weeks until Lucy's official due date.

He watched lovingly as Lucy waddled down the hallway towards him, one arm rubbing on the small of her back. He'd learned very early on not to say the word 'waddled' but really, now that her baby bump was so large, there was no other word for the way she walked. He found it endearing; Lucy, not so much.

She stood on tiptoe to give him a squeezy hug, well, the best approximation she could with her baby bump in the way. "I'm so glad to see you", she sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. Guessing it was probably aching again, Natsu rubbed her lower back in firm circles with his thumbs, and she groaned in relief, making him chuckle. He kissed the top of her head in greeting.

"Did something bad happen at work today?" he asked with concern, continuing to knead her sore muscles. Damn, they were tight - almost rock hard!

"Not really", Lucy said. "I'm just so tired Natsu. The lift broke down and I had to walk down three flights of stairs for a meeting, and then back up again. At least it was fixed by the time I left to go home."

She gave him a small affectionate peck on the lips and walked slowly over to the stove, hand resting on her lower back again. "Why don't you go wash up while I organise this. Should only be a minute or two before its ready."

Natsu wandered down the hallway of their small apartment to the bathroom, quickly washing and drying his hands. As he walked back past what used to be the spare bedroom, he couldn't help but stop to lean on the door frame to gaze around the room in wonder, like he did every time he walked past this door since they'd finally finished decorating last weekend. Even though he had attended every ultrasound, read all the 'dad' chapters in Lucy's pregnancy books and attended every information class at the hospital, decorating this room… this is what made fatherhood begin to feel real for him.

The once beige walls were painted a pale yellow, and cheerful yellow gingham curtains decorated the window. A white chest of drawers was filled with little baby onesies and singlets, and a blue pram was pushed into the corner. Cloth nappies were stacked on the wooden change table, sharing the space with creams and baby wipes. A plastic baby bath was stored underneath, a bright yellow rubber duck sitting proudly in its centre.

They had created a mural on one of the blank walls. He had painted a friendly red dragon flying in a night sky, which Lucy had filled with silver stars and a smiling moon. Leaning up against the wall near the doorway was a big cardboard box that contained the pieces of a wooden cradle. That was his job for this weekend; to put it together and set it up in their bedroom, ready to be used by their son or daughter when they brought him or her home. Natsu ran his hand over the edge of the box, picturing Lucy rocking a tiny sleeping baby in the cradle, and he couldn't help his joyful grin. He couldn't wait.

A sudden squeal and crash had Natsu sprinting back to the kitchen. Lucy was sitting on her knees on the kitchen floor sobbing, with the upturned pasta pot and water spilled over the floor. He dragged her backwards away from the spreading water and helped her sit down on one of the kitchen chairs, examining her anxiously.

"Fuck Luce, are you okay? Did you burn yourself?" He turned her hands over, checking for burns, patting her pyjamas to see if they were wet anywhere, and then stooped down to check her legs and bare feet. When he couldn't find any injuries, he cupped Lucy's face in his hands, trying to wipe away her tears with his thumbs as they continued to fall. "Tell me, what's wrong babe? You're worrying me!"

Lucy's face contorted as she tried to get words out through her sobs. "Can't do anything right", she finally managed, trying to get a hold of her emotions. "So stupid… and clumsy… dropped the pot… fell out of my hands."

"Hey", Natsu crooned, still stroking her face. "It's just pasta Luce, it's not worth all these tears. I can just make more. Please don't cry." He put his arms around her shoulders and rocked back and forth, and Lucy buried her face in his shoulder, still crying. When her sobs started to calm down, Natsu pulled back a little so he could reach the box of tissues on the table. He dried her eyes and handed her another tissue, so she could blow her nose.

While Lucy sat on the chair, gradually becoming calmer, he began to clean up. Not wanting to risk her slipping on the wet floor, he stripped off his black t-shirt, and mopped up the water, wringing it into the sink, then scooped up all the cooked spaghetti in his hands and put it into the bin. He decided Lucy probably needed to eat sooner rather than later, so after putting the empty pot in the sink and turning off the oven and stove, he served the chunky mince bolognese sauce into two bowls, adding a few hunks of garlic bread and a fork to each. He carried them into the lounge room and placed them on the coffee table and came back for his girl.

"Do you wanna tell me what's really wrong Luce?" he asked, helping her get to her feet. She leaned on him as they walked into the lounge room, still sniffling. Natsu sat down on the sofa, stretched out length ways, and helped Lucy sit down so she was cradled in between his legs, her back resting against his bare chest. He reached out and started rubbing her stomach in circles, kissing the top of her head. "Tell me, baby girl, I can't help if I don't know what's going on."

Lucy sighed, still hiccuping a little. "I'm sorry I cried like that. Nothings really wrong", she said. "Just a lot of little somethings that all built up I guess, that turned it into a bad day. It started when I got dressed for work this morning. My feet were all swollen and none of my shoes fit. I had to wear my slippers to work."

Natsu tried very hard not to, but a small snort of laughter escaped. Lucy tapped him on the arm. "Fine", she grumbled, "you can laugh, everyone one else at work did too." That stopped his laughter, and he began rubbing small circles again, kissing the top of her head gently in apology.

"What else happened Luce?"

"Well, I already told you that the lift was out. I had to walk downstairs for a meeting, and when I got there, I realised that the folder I needed was still on my desk, and I had to walk all the way up there again and back down, and then I was late." Natsu murmured sympathetically.

"Then because I was late, by the time I had lunch they'd run out of all the sandwiches I like in the café downstairs. All they had left was curried egg, but I was so hungry I bought it and it gave me horrible heartburn all afternoon. And I've had these stupid Braxton Hicks contractions all damn day. But that wasn't the worst part." Natsu hugged her tighter, racking his brain for comforting phrases to say after Lucy revealed what might have made her so upset.

"I was talking to the new sales manager about who he'd need to contact for that big conference next month, when Levy popped in with the twins to say hi to everyone who hadn't got to see them when she was in hospital." Although Lucy smiled at the thought of Levy and her three-month old twins, Natsu sensed that she was about to reveal something that had really upset her.

"They weren't even in my office, they were out in the tea room. I was trying to wrap up the meeting so that I could go see them when Jonah started crying. Crying really loudly." Lucy covered her face with her hands.

"Hey, c'mon, it can't be that bad…" began Natsu.

"My boobs leaked Natsu! I was wearing a white shirt, and my boobs leaked! The front of my shirt was covered in two big wet patches. And Jason just kept staring at them. He didn't look away and I didn't know what to do! I was so embarrassed! So I pretended I had another meeting and went and hid in the bathroom for half an hour. I had to rinse out my shirt and dry it under the hand dryer."

Natsu gently pulled Lucy's hands away from her face, squeezing her fingers. "Creepy bastard", growled Natsu. "I mean, I guess he was surprised, but staring at you when it's somethin' that you can't help - that's just wrong! Remind me to punch him for ya if I see him at the office Christmas party."

Lucy giggled, but it was a worn-out tired giggle. "I'm so sorry Natsu. I know at the moment I'm not always the nicest person to be around, but I'm just so exhausted. I can't sleep properly because I can't get comfy, and when I finally do, I have to get up to go to the toilet, or these stupid Braxton Hicks contractions start up again. I keep forgetting stuff and dropping things. I don't even know what my feet look like anymore."

While she was talking, Natsu kept on rubbing her stomach. He drew up her singlet top, so it revealed the pale skin stretched tight over her bump, and the darker line that ran down the centre of her stomach. He traced his finger around her belly button. Previously it had been a cute little dimple that he could poke his finger in and get the reward of immediate Lucy giggles because she was very ticklish there, but was now it was stretched flat with the pressure of their baby behind it.

Her body amazed him. The fact that there was a whole other person in there was beyond incredible. The baby wasn't kicking so much anymore, because the midwife had informed them that he or she had pretty much run out of stretching room, but every now and then Lucy's stomach would move, and Natsu's hand would reach out to rub and press on her skin where the baby was. When she had finished speaking, he dropped a loving kiss to the top of her head.

"Luce, you know what I think? I think today was your last day at work. It was a shitty day, and I don't think you need to go back there tomorrow. I think tomorrow we're both gonna call in sick, and I'm gonna pamper my princess while I still can, before we're both too busy running around after a newborn for stuff like that. What do ya say?"

"Natsu, that sounds so tempting, but…"

"But nothin. I'll even call the midwives at the hospital to see if we can get a medical certificate for ya to mail to them. You've already done all the hand over stuff Luce. I'll call Gajeel tonight and let him know – all the appointments we have booked in for tomorrow are smaller tattoos, he can handle it."

Lucy sighed. "Okay". Suddenly she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She placed her hands over his on her belly, and they both smiled as the baby bumped a small knee, or perhaps an elbow, into their joined hands.

"Thank you Natsu", she sniffed, feeling a little teary again, but in a good way. "I don't know what I'd do without you." Natsu kissed the top of her head again, and then laughed as Lucy's stomach growled loudly.

"Right back at ya, baby girl." He helped Lucy sit upright on the sofa and reached over to the coffee table for a bowl of Bolognese and garlic bread with a fork stuck in the middle of it. "Here ya go madame, fine dining at its very best."

Lucy began to shovel in forkfuls of the savoury mince into her mouth, suddenly realising how hungry she was. "So Natsu, what sort of pampering were you thinking of?"

"Well, I thought I could give you a foot massage and paint your toenails for you", began Natsu, stuffing a piece of garlic bread in his mouth. "Maybe we could watch a movie together on the sofa." His green eyes took on a greedy glint. "If you were feeling up to it, perhaps I could give you a 'Natsu Special' massage, with all the trimmings." He waggled his eyebrows at her teasingly.

Lucy grinned at him. "Is that massage for you, or for me?"

"Both of us", winked Natsu, leaning across to give her a loving kiss, which became two kisses, then three. Lucy moaned softly into his mouth and opened her lips, ready to return his kisses, but then couldn't stifle a yawn.

"Sorry!" she squeaked. Natsu chuckled, placing one last gentle kiss on her lips before drawing back.

"But tonight princess, it's off to bed early for you. I got lots of pampering I wanna do to you, and I can't do it if you're too tired to stay awake."

He bent down to kiss her belly too. "No bedtime stories tonight kiddo, your Mama needs her rest. And listen up, stop treatin' her so rough. She's the only one you got, so you gotta take care of her. Try not to tap-dance on her bladder tonight, so she can get a good night's sleep, okay?" He kissed her stomach one more time, then got to his feet, holding his hands out to Lucy. "Bedtime Luce."

Lucy grumbled, but Natsu helped her to her feet, and gently pushed her down the hallway to their bedroom. He grabbed the extra pillows, and after she got herself settled on her side, he stuffed one between her knees, and the special wedged one under her bump. He knelt down next to the bed to gently stroke her forehead as she yawned again.

As her eyes drifted closed, he realised that their nights like this, with just the two of them here in their home would be coming to an end in just a few weeks, maybe even just a few days. It both excited and terrified him.

He stood for a few moments, watching Lucy sleep, her hands curled protectively over her rounded belly filled with their child, then quietly pulled the door closed so she wouldn't be disturbed.

💕💗💕

"Natsu?" Lucy's voice was soft in his ear, but her voice sounded a little strained.

"Wassup Lucy?" he asked blearily, blinking his eyes against the bright light streaming into the bedroom from the hallway. Did he forget to turn that off? His eyes flicked to the digital clock on their bedside table – 3am. He'd stayed up for a few hours playing Team Fortress 2 with Gray and Gajeel, then gone to bed around midnight, snuggling in next to his wife, already planning their day together in his head. But she wasn't lying next to him now.

Lucy was leaning over the bed, her hands resting on the mattress while her hips rocked from side to side. She was panting and a small moan of pain slipped past her clenched teeth.

"Shit. This is it huh?" He rolled out of bed quickly, trying to push down his feelings of panic. He had to be calm. He was Lucy's support person for her labour, and he needed to stay calm. He pushed Lucy's sweaty bangs out of her face. "What do you need Luce?"

"My back", she groaned through clenched teeth, and he moved behind her, pushing his thumbs in hard circles above the base of her spine.

"Helpin' or hurtin'?" he asked, trying very hard to keep the anxious tone out of his voice.

"Helping", she whimpered, and he gritted his teeth. He'd known Lucy would be in pain during labour, of course he'd known that, but now that he was faced with possibly hours of her hurting, he didn't know what to do with all these feelings. Guilt, excitement, anxiety… he pushed those thoughts aside and concentrated on trying to assist his wife through the pain of her contraction.

Lucy gave an exhausted sigh. "It's finished." She straightened up awkwardly, and Natsu pulled her into a hug.

"How long has this been goin' on?"

"A while", she said, not looking him in the eye.

"Luuucyyy - what does 'a while' mean?"

"Well, you know how I said those Braxton Hicks contractions had been bothering me all day? I worked out that maybe, they were actually the real thing. I woke up two hours ago when they started getting hard to sleep through, but you looked so peaceful, so I didn't want to wake you up."

"Lucy!" Natsu groaned.

"Well", she pouted, crossing her arms, "I figured at least one of us should be sleeping - who knows how long this is gonna take! I just wanted to let you sleep until I couldn't handle it on my own."

Natsu tugged on a bit of loose hair that had fallen out of her messy bun, then kissed her pouting lips. "So stubborn. What am I gonna do with you, huh?"

She grinned at him. "You're gonna help me pack the hospital bag, because I haven't done it yet. Can you get the list?"

Natsu rolled his eyes a little at yet another list, but jogged into the kitchen to get it off the fridge. Lucy had always been a list maker extraordinaire, even in high school when he'd first met her. She was always organised, and hated being late for anything, where he was the exact opposite. He grinned. Looks like the baby was going to take after her mother in that regard.

He wandered back into the bedroom, list in his hand. "Hey Luce, looks like the baby… oh, shit." Lucy was standing in the middle of the room with a mortified look on her face. There was was liquid pooling around her feet.

"Uh, Natsu?"

He dropped the list on the bed and took her hands in his. "Okay. It's okay babe."

"Natsu, my water broke", Lucy said in a shocked voice, stating the obvious.

"Uh huh. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna help you into the shower, and you're gonna get clean, and I'll pack the bag, and then we'll head off to the birthing centre. Sounds like a plan, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay." Lucy grimaced as she stepped forwards, more fluids dribbling down her leg. "This is so gross. I'm so sorry Natsu, the carpet…"

"Who cares? We'll just put a rug there or somethin' if it stains. You okay to walk?"

"Yeah… no wait, stop, here comes another one." Lucy panted and leaned against Natsu as he glanced at the bedroom clock for the time, then rubbed his thumbs into her back again, counting in his head.

"Keep breathin' Lucy. That's my girl. You got this. You're so fuckin' awesome. I love you so much, baby." He kissed her sweaty forehead, wishing he could take some of her pain away. "All done?"

Lucy nodded, still leaning against him.

"Let's get you in the shower and then I'm gonna call the birthing centre to let 'em know we're comin' in soon, cause that contraction lasted sixty seconds, more or less." He helped Lucy across the hallway, chuckling at her disgust as he peeled her wet boxers and underpants down her legs. "Don't worry about it, Luce", he grinned, turning on the water in the shower nice and hot, like she liked it.

"You don't think it's gross?" she asked softly.

"Nah. That time I watched you eat potato chips and ice-cream was much grosser than this", he teased, helping her out of her singlet top. "I'm gonna go pack stuff. You gonna be okay here for a few minutes?"

Lucy launched herself at him and hugged him tightly. "I love you so much Natsu, I really really do."

Natsu rubbed her back, burying his nose in her hair. It still smelled like strawberry shampoo, and he took a moment to breathe it in, helping him calm down a little. Everything was moving so fast. "I love you too, Luce. You ready for team Dragneel to kick some baby makin' ass?"

Lucy giggled. "You know it. Go get that bag ready while I get clean. Do you think you could get me that old pink t-shirt dress I wear on the weekends? And some underpants and um", she blushed a little, "a maternity pad, in case I leak some more - they should be in the top drawer I think."

"Aye Sir!"

He sprinted back to their bedroom to stuff things in Lucy's backpack. Based on the last contraction, he guessed he had about five minutes before he needed to get back to her. Clothes for Lucy, baby outfit for coming home, baby blanket, nappies. He glanced through the list again, trying to judge what would be most important, and what he could get for her later. What the fuck Lucy? Scented candles? That was definitely on the 'not now' list.

"Naaatsuuuu!"

Fuck. That was four minutes - they were getting closer together. He sprinted back across the hallway. Lucy was leaning against the tiles, tapping her forehead hard against them as she swayed, whimpering.

"Luce, you're gonna hurt yourself!" He climbed into the shower with her, turning her so her head was resting on his shoulder and the hot water was aimed at her back. He murmured softly into her hair, stroking her arms. "You're doin' so good babe, I'm so proud of you." He counted in his head again, up to sixty.

Lucy sighed against him. "That one really hurt." Natsu pulled back from her, pushing her fringe out of the way to inspect the red mark on her forehead.

"What were ya tryin' to do, give yourself concussion? Jeez Luce!" Lucy touched her forehead gingerly.

"I don't really know what that was about. I didn't realise I was doing it until you made me stop." Natsu turned off the water and wrapped a towel around Lucy's shoulders, shucking off his wet boxers and grabbing a towel for himself.

"Okay, let's hustle. That was four minutes. So let's get you dressed in those four minutes, and then we'll wait the contraction out, and then get in the car. I've packed most of the stuff, and anything I haven't I can come back for later okay?"

Lucy nodded, trying to hurry, drying herself while Natsu grabbed her clothes, helping her into her underpants while she put her head through the t-shirt dress. Natsu wasn't sure he'd got the pad exactly right, but it was in there. Lucy pushed her arms in the sleeves, and Natsu grabbed his phone, opening up the timer app. He was just dragging on his own clothes when Lucy clutched at his t-shirt.

He tapped the timer on his phone to start counting the seconds. "There we go, you can do this. Deep breaths Lucy." Natsu was starting to panic a little now. The birthing centre was a good twenty minute drive away. What if Lucy had the baby in the car? Fuck. He rubbed her back, trying to take deep breaths himself to calm down.

Natsu grabbed the backpack while Lucy shuffled her feet into her slippers. He grinned at her, and she whacked him on the arm. "Shut. Up. They're the only ones that fit."

Natsu snorted. "I didn't say a thing", he grinned, getting ready to pull their front door behind him. "Let's see have we got everything? Keys, wallet, backpack, Lucy, baby. All good." He pulled the door shut, then punched his fist into the air. "Alright! Operation 'and Baby Dragneel Makes Three' ready to commence!"

Lucy snorted. "Shush you dork! It's the middle of the night, you'll wake everyone up!"

"Lovable dork", Natsu corrected, taking her hand to help her down the flight of stairs to the garage underneath the apartment block.

Lucy kissed him on the cheek. "My lovable dork", she said softly, and Natsu gifted her with a smile so wide, his eyes crinkled up so they were barely visible.

"Damn straight I am."

💕💗💕

Natsu gritted his teeth, one hand on the steering wheel, the other gripping Lucy's tightly as she moaned in the front seat next to him. They were still about ten minutes away from the birthing centre. He could just hear Wendy's voice on speaker over Lucy's moans of pain.

"That's it Lucy, you should be nearly through it now", she said, her voice calm. "Keep breathing."

Lucy sighed as the contraction eased off. "It's finished. But it hurt so much worse sitting still in the car seat."

Natsu glanced at her, then back at the road. "I'm sorry Lucy. We're nearly there babe."

"I'll let reception know, and have your records ready to admit you", said Wendy cheerfully. "See you soon!" She ended the call, and Natsu wondered how anyone could sound that cheerful at nearly 4am in the morning. But he was glad it was Wendy who was on call tonight. They'd got used to her during their regular appointments and it would be good to see a friendly face.

"Nearly there", he repeated, glancing anxiously at Lucy.

"Eyes on the road Natsu!" exclaimed Lucy, squeezing his hand.

"Sorry." His eyes darted to her, and back to the road again. "I just… I wish I could help more."

Lucy stroked his fingers. "You are helping. I couldn't do this without you." She pulled his fingers to her lips and kissed them gently. "Before I woke you up, when the pain started getting worse, I was beginning to get frightened, working myself up. As soon as you were there beside me, I wasn't frightened anymore. I'm never scared when you're with me."

Natsu's throat thickened and the backs of his eyes burned. He quickly blinked away the moisture beginning to wash into his eyes. "I'm glad. There isn't anythin' I wouldn't do for you Lucy, you know that don't ya?" He took advantage of the empty streets, and risked going a little faster, hoping if he did get a ticket he could plead his case of 'pregnant wife in active labour'. He let go of Lucy's hand momentarily so he could turn the corner. "Two more blocks Lucy. Nearly there."

Lucy whimpered in her seat, gripping the upholstery tightly as another contraction took hold. "Hnnnn. Natsu, it hurts", she panted, hunching over in her seat.

"Dammit. Fuck this." Natsu put his foot to the floor and they sped through the empty intersection against a red light, and they arrived at the driveway of the birthing centre, adjacent to the hospital. Natsu leapt out of the front seat and opened Lucy's door helping her upright so she could rock against him through the worst of the contraction.

"My hero", she whispered teasingly as it finally ebbed away. "But I'm not paying your speeding fine for you if you get one."

"As I said, anythin' for you milady", grinned Natsu, sketching his approximation of a courtly bow. "Oh look Princess, your carriage awaits." Lucy swatted him on the arm as Wendy helped her into a waiting wheelchair.

"Go and park the car you dork!"

"That's lovable dork, Lucy! Get it right, why don't ya!"

After parking the car quickly he jogged back into the birthing centre, backpack bouncing a little . The lady at reception smiled at him.

"First time Dad?" Natsu nodded, his eyes a little panicked.

"Can you tell me which room they've taken Lucy Dragneel to please?"

"Sure I can, right after you've filled in these forms", she said cheerfully, holding out a clipboard and pen. Natsu sighed audibly, but quickly filled in the information to the best of his ability, hoping the woman would be able to read his chicken scratch writing, because he couldn't be bothered to make it look neat. The receptionist glanced over the form, then grinned. "Room 12, second left. Good luck!"

Lucy was on her hands and knees on the bed when Natsu poked his head in the door. Wendy's head peeked out from behind her. "Come in Natsu!" She flicked off the rubber gloves on her hand. "9 cm dilated, 100% effacement. If you do end up with a speeding ticket, I can write them a medical certificate letting them know your wife was about to have a baby in your car."

"Natsu, another one", Lucy gasped, and Natsu was quick to cross to her side. "This isn't fair. I just had one. I don't like it, make it stop!"

"Not long now", Wendy grinned. "I'd say two or three more and you'll be ready to push this baby out Lucy."

Lucy whimpered as Natsu stroked her back firmly. She rested her head on Natsu's shoulder once the contraction had passed. "But I had a plan!" she protested in a tired petulant voice. "There was meant to be soft music, and candles, and a bath!"

Natsu snorted. "I was gonna say back at the apartment that our baby was obviously gonna take after you, because it's gettin' here early", he grinned, "but not goin' with the plan? That definitely sounds more like me!" Lucy smiled tiredly, then moaned. "Another one? You got this Lucy. Show those contractions who's boss."

Lucy moaned, pushing her head hard into Natsu's shoulder. "I can't", she whispered brokenly, her body trembling. "Can't do it. Hurts too much Natsu."

Natsu gritted his teeth, his jaw bunching. He stroked Lucy's sweaty bangs away from her forehead, looking into her pain filled eyes. "Yes you can. There's no one stronger than you Lucy. C'mon sweetheart, Wendy said you're nearly there. I love you so much, and I am so proud of you. You got this." He draped Lucy's arms around his neck, running his hands down her back. She panted as another contraction began as soon as the previous one had ended. Wendy twitched up Lucy's t-shirt dress, squatting down to take a look, then feeling with her fingers.

"Ten centimeters! Well done Lucy! When you feel the next contraction, if you feel the urge to push, you go right ahead. Let your body do what it needs to do."

Lucy clutched her arms around Natsu's neck like a lifeline, her forehead pushed into his neck, moaning as she pushed with each new contraction. Natsu kept up his whispers in her ear, telling her how strong she was, how amazing, how much he loved her. Suddenly Lucy hissed in pain, and Natsu's eyes flew to Wendy, who smiled at him, nodding her head to ease his fears.

"It's okay. I know that hurts Lucy, but that's the baby's head crowning. Nearly there."

"Did you hear that Lucy! You're so close to being done. You're so close to meeting our baby." Natsu kissed her sweaty forehead, as Lucy moaned tiredly against his neck, then braced herself as another contraction hit, panting and whimpering. "That's it, that's my girl."

"Head's out Lucy, just the shoulders to go."

Natsu watched Lucy in awe as she grit her teeth and pushed again, her eyes squeezed shut in total concentration.

"Well done! Congratulations, Natsu and Lucy, you have a daughter."

A reedy whimpering cry filled the room, then gained strength. The baby sounded extremely upset about suddenly being out in the big bright world, and Natsu and Lucy laughed together as Wendy scooped the baby up towards them, Lucy turning to lean against Natsu so their little girl could come to rest up on her chest. Apart from squalling indignantly, she was tiny, and pink and perfect. Wendy produced a small striped blanket to drape over the baby's back to keep her warm.

"Oh my baby", Lucy whispered. "I am so happy to finally meet you." All the pain of labour was forgotten in an instant as she placed her hands gently over the baby's back, and Natsu placed his hands over hers. A sniffing sound made her look upwards. "Oh Natsu."

Tears were pouring down Natsu's cheeks. "I'm sorry", he said roughly. "I don't know why I'm cryin'; I'm so happy! I guess, you were in so much pain, and I was so worried, and now she's finally here!" He sniffed again and Wendy handed him a tissue which he used to scrub away the tears roughly. "You were fuckin' awesome Lucy. I'll never forget this day, not as long as I live. You made me a Dad." He breathed out a deep sigh, then stroked his finger gently over his daughter's wet curls, which looked like they might be blonde.

"Welcome to the world, Layla Dragneel."

[psalloacappella]

Sirens - Ch 6

Pairing: SasuSaku Read it:  FFN | Ao3 |  ↓  Additional Details: Modern AU; ongoing; this chapter, Sakura speaks with strangers over the radio about love, biology, and family curses. Implications of stalking.

“‘Chaste and temperate people — not of their own will — fall in love, badly.’ You probably know that one, as well-read as you are.”

An impeccable internal clock wrests her from sleep — the day promises to be long and lonely.

She takes a moment or three to sink and snuggle deeply into the plush mattress, pressing warm sheets to her nose and inhaling; the heady scents of affection, musk, and skin. Lately, when she steals out of his bed in the early hours, untangling from his lean muscled limbs, a sliver pricks her heart with the split and sting of a papercut. Unfamiliar. It’s not like her to do this.

The facsimile of a time before, now with something she’s afraid to admit might be —

You can’t love him, though. You don’t know him, and he doesn’t know you.

Everything’s cold as she sits on the edge of the bed, willing herself to depart as she has so many times before.

She startles, head whips ‘round; the pads of his fingers trail down her spine in a way that always makes her feel seen. As if he’s reading sordid and fanciful tales found only in the vertebrae, an archaic divergence of Braille, groping around in the hurricane for the doctrine that defines her.

A blind man trying to see.

“You make it so difficult to start the day,” she says. Laughs a little. “It’s always hard to leave you.”

Purses her lips after this admission, feeling stupid for letting it out. Turning back to him, everything aches, the pains borne not of muscles and bones but something in the sinew and the soul. His sleepy groan. The way his handsome head settles into his hand, propped up by the elbow. Messy dark hair, eyes sharp in the soft dawn light. Well-built planes of chest pried apart by her nails in theory though less in skin, as she continues to search for the gems that were fashioned and pressed to create him.

She’s used to so easily taking one’s essence and getting the measure, weighing it in her hands. Then she flees, leaving them undone and keeping herself intact. And though he reveals so many things in his gentleness that she’s realizing are unusual for him, there’s plenty left to be devoured.

Still, she can’t tell him what she really sees:  The shadows and edges of someone familiar, who told her too much. What man wants to hear they remind a woman of another? She would sound crazy if she tried to explain, even if the sensation of knowing, the creeping of a fated collision, claws at her throat.

She thinks of Ino’s knowing looks, pleading her to dig deeper. To confront and process the truth.

In a voice razed with sleep, throaty from the music she forced from him before, its richness drips like drowning. “There’s no reason you have to leave, Sakura.”

Blushing. She’s fucking blushing. It makes her turn away quickly from the bed as if it, and her, are on fire.

“Things to do, people to see. You understand the mundane demands on your days, I’m sure.”

“Hmm, used to. That’s not the case anymore.”

“Well,” she says, plucking clothes from her growing pile in the corner of his room, “I at least need to check on the apartment I still pay for. Make sure it hasn’t burned down. Then errands, a bit of this, a bit of that.”

He grunts at her cheery ambiguity, but doesn’t press. Fully dressed, she turns around and smiles in an attempt to stretch joy over the bones of her face. It’s futile but passable, and still it’s not his place to ask.

“Are you returning this time?”

His question forces a moment’s pause. Snatching up the shopping bag containing her new dress, she turns to march out of his room with all the dignity she can muster —

until she touches her fingers to her lips and sends a kiss his way before ducking out.

As every morning, he folds his arms behind his head, letting the warmth of her ebb and dissipate from the sheets, his room, his heart. He swallows, grimacing at the sensitive scraping sensation in his throat, the aftermath of overuse and his vulnerable stupidity. The worst part, of course, is the merciless mocking he’s been receiving from his well-meaning friend. And also his situation from the other night, which Naruto so kindly refers to as freaking out.

Lying in thought as the sun climbs in its daily arc. Then, he sits up and runs hands through his hair, craving a shower and coffee and her skin. Pulling himself out of bed, he finds himself in front of the pile of her clothes that’s taken on a life of its own, fabric in mayhem. Taking a shirt off the top of it, he shakes it out and checks its scent, then crosses to his closet and after contemplation, moves some of his own clothes to one end of it to create a new space.

As always, everything echoes in an apt metaphor.

.

Swipes her transit pass and breezes through the turnstile without a hiccup. It’s appreciated when the train arrives timely and with room, and she settles into a seat against the window for the first leg of her city journey.

She’s lived in a variety of places, and grew up in a town with too few people who all knew too much. Going to her apartment means a trip with two transfers, and she muses on the different ways people knit their lives into being, how what’s good for one may not be for another. As the subway stations transition to elevated stops running flush and parallel with the downtown streets, her mind wanders to the upcoming event and the revelations Ino’s arrival has sifted from her unconscious.

Lost in thought as she leaves the train car, taking a set of stairs so familiar that the rhythm of her feet on them always echoes the same. To the next line, heading west.

It seems that one’s world can be small even as large and sweeping as populations themselves are. From her long-standing friendship she’s gleaned and the knowledge absorbed to survive, still there are unspoken stories and understandings so lost on her.

(I’m certain he’s an Uchiha.

Right, I think he said that to me the night we met. I don’t see what’s relevant about it, Ino. It’s probably a common name.

It is, but only because there are so many of them. The family is like a web — they have hands in everything.)

Sakura’s deduced some hierarchy of family names, an inborn knowledge children within them grow up acutely aware of, and in the case of those positioned on the collar, the outer ring, they know always, socially, where they stand. As a girl from a tiny place on the wrong side of the tracks

as was flung at her, like a slap, from a man brimming with arrogance and a sour gaze

none of it meant much until she tested into her new school, clawing her way out of a dusty and insular community, emerging into a world with brand new rules. More than that, the lifting of the curtain on society and the people who command its orchestrations. Lucky to be a girl of sharp mind and quick processing because the demands for those who seek greatness are great in themselves.

But in the end she failed, flew too close to the sun, or perhaps delved too deeply into the dark.  

Still wonders if her failures and tragedies were all her own doing, or the machinations of a hateful man, one who held the world. Would she ever know?

The disembodied train voice announces her stop, and she blinks herself out of a daze, leaping for the door.

Walking in her neighborhood is a fraught and tense affair; if it remains at the level of catcalls and sneers she considers it of no consequence. Rarely has it escalated, and good thing, as these are known and stained city blocks that officers no matter what they pantomime hesitate to tread.

The familiar man lingers on the corner, always with his eyes on a daily terror Sakura’s not able to see.

She removes her shoes in the entryway, hoping it's early enough to avoid speaking with her roommates in name only. Not quite friends by her own admission and fault, with her tendency to avoid putting down roots.

Creeping through the kitchen, she jumps and curses as the light flicks on.

“Where have you been?”

The woman and her shock of red hair seem to swallow everything else in the drab kitchen. With her arms folded and glasses slipping to the edge of her nose, clad in her usual bizarre attire, she has the air of an aggressive and nosy professor combined with the ragged, prickly edge of a moonlighting drummer in a now-defunct band.

“I told you, Karin,” Sakura sighs, crossing to the fridge and peering inside, “I work at weird times, and sometimes travel. Everything’s paid, right? I told you not to worry about me.”

“I’m not worried,” Karin responds, affronted. “I’m nosy. Big difference.”

“With roommates like this, who needs enemies?” With his lopsided, mildly toothy grin, a man with white hair strolls in, with another one of intimidating height and soft footfalls coming in closely behind. “As long as the lights are on, I don’t give a shit where she goes.”

Sakura winces as Karin’s hand connects with his face, the sharp crackle of air and skin on skin bursting in the previously quiet kitchen.

“Suigetsu, you’re barely civil.” With a gentle smile, the big man inclines his head to Sakura. “Glad you’re staying safe, at least. Wherever you go.”

Juugo always has a way of being kind in a way that gives her a bout of heartburn, paired with eyes that don’t seem to take her excuses and brush-offs at face value. Eyes on the linoleum, she returns the small upturn of the lips and shuts the fridge.

Down the hallway with the backdrop of Karin and Suigetsu’s bickering in her ears. Digging for her keys, she locates the one that unlocks the door to her space.

Untouched, colorless, always the same. The functional essentials of a bed and a desk, and curtains drawn against its own depression. Tossing her bags on the mattress, she stands in the dark and considers the dank and dusty smell, the stillness. The hairs on her arms prickle with a cold sweat —

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Juugo says. Pauses, eyes always seeking, digging into her. Extending a sheaf of mail in his large hand, hovering, aloft. “Figured I’d keep these for you in the same place. And away from them.”

A rush of affection for someone who extends her grace as a principle of his compass and never attaches too many questions. In return she’s careful not to accept too much, not keen to take more than she can give, which feels like so little. Accepting the mail, he leaves her to herself without another word.

Flipping through it, none of it seems important, junky and irrelevant. After all, it’s hard to follow constantly changing addresses of someone who never wants to be found. Tossing it aside as well, she opens her closet and kneels, moving things aside to locate a nondescript shoebox. Leans back on her haunches as if contemplating a fraught choice. With slightly shaking hands, she pulls it to her and removes the lid with the tentative and aversive movements of unwrapping an infected wound. Stares at the items inside, collected in magpie fits in the harried moments she chooses to leave each chapter of her life; vivid and edged memories to cut her fingers and lips on.

She sits

and sits

and when she’s done, she wraps it all up exactly as before, hands moving through her own belongings as a ghost. Ensuring no one can return later to see the afterimages.

.

She’s still thinking about the papers in the box as she gives a small smile through the window to her companion and settles the headphones around her neck in preparation; her night’s just begun.

As the predetermined music sets play and eventually give way to the improvisatory mixes courtesy of the resident DJ, the questions tumble over one another in an endless unconnected bubble of thought, entwined as snakes. The prospect of an evening around people so unfamiliar and of a certain stature, an invisible web she’s had to suss out in the way of an interloper, is anxiety-inducing at best and nauseating at worst. If her conversation with the man she now knows is Neji Hyuuga is any indication, she’ll be in for an excruciating evening of being on display.

But this is how men such as him navigate the world — others’ discomfort is unimportant, their concerns trivial, inconsequential because all the space belongs to the powerful. The seen.

Twilight creeps.

Her mind rebukes, of course, the idea that this Uchiha Sasuke could be similar. She knows the markers, however, of trauma and wealth. Indicated in large part because he never discusses it even when making overt gestures, ah, like the hotel suite. Head spinning at the implications, which seems silly on its face considering the wanton whatever-it-is they’ve been participating in with enthusiasm. No, it’s the idea of an expensive gesture solely for her comfort, to spend time with her, an extension of something that checks the box of uncomfortable but also fills an indulgent desire.

And in moments the way he turns his eyes on her, the way he drinks her in to slake an endless thirst, is a faulty and weak imprint of every man before and she’s sure, in the marrow of her bones, every single one that will follow.

The thought of him pricks gooseflesh at the base of her neck, sweeping against each vertebrae in legato lyrical phrases. A sense of impending doom and breathless danger and frenzied affection coalescing as one.

“But if it’s proven to be a biochemical reaction,” the man on the line says, pulling Sakura back to the conversation, “and the brain is being flooded with substances causing someone to not only fall in love, but essentially bewitch them while around this new individual, it’s no different than a powerful addiction to the object of your affection. And if we’re now foraying into using this word, ‘addiction,’ how do we examine the truthfulness of chemicals run amok?”

Sakura shakes her head. “All of those things eventually normalize,” she insists. “Let’s not forget that this is an initial stage of attraction and what begins as passion may not persist as that. There’s an arc to this journey — it’s true in every type of relationship.”

“Ah, you find me cynical. I can tell.”

Smiling to herself, she says, “A bit, maybe, Kabuto.”

“Let’s follow this thread.”

Where has she heard that before? Often a sounding board and many times a therapist, it isn’t unusual for topics to derail in these ways, exploring scattershot threads to follow, ideas wandering as lost lambs heading for the end of the night slaughter.

“Sure, if you’d like. Chemistry doesn’t mean we should view it only in a scientific lens. That can be an excuse to view it in an emotionally detached way. The honeymoon period of any bond, whether it’s the beginning of a friendship or someone new and special you’ve met, of course involves strong feelings. And sure, it’s all aided and abetted by the best of chemicals, but that doesn’t undermine any of what it is.”

“Perhaps this is where we disagree:  How do we unravel where reality begins and the brain’s illusion ends? Can you or I trust this process? Should we? When the origin of something that should be taken, I imagine, seriously, like love, is rooted in a runaway operation, how do we parse that?”

“It’s a good question. I do agree there,” Sakura interrupts, pointing at nothing in the air, even though Kabuto isn’t able to see her. “It begins like a spark, and fire’s chaotic. But some manage to tame it into something for a lifetime.”

“I suppose none of us can confirm the lifetime part, admittedly,” Kabuto says. “Your use of the word chaotic is interesting, perhaps quite personal to you?”

“We’re always on borrowed time, Kabuto,” she warns, using his name as punctuation in close.

He chuckles, a unique blend of arrogance and deference. “Young lady,” he says, “changing tack here, do you believe love can exist in this way, from a person in pursuit of non-human entities?”

“If this becomes a discussion of something untoward—”

“I’m thinking of abstract concepts, or at the very least complex ones — not animals, if you were worried.”

“I was, in fact; we’ve been down that road before at 2:00 a.m., and it’s a strange one.”

“I’ll offer myself up as a specimen, then. I grew up as an orphan without many strong bonds, and I feel that few people or their emotions offer a use for me. Over the years the only love that has made any sense for me is twofold:  First, a desire to serve another in a useful capacity, devoted but decidedly unromantic. Second, the love of the field of medicine.” She can almost hear him raising a palm in a careless shrug, a considered nonchalance that’s anything but. Pantomime performance. Facing him in person would be difficult; something about him makes her bristle, clench her teeth. “These are things that make life worth living to me; most people have erratic emotions and motives.”

“It’s respectable, but unusual. Not that there isn’t a precedent. If we think of famous scientists, artists, and individuals knowledgeable and devoted to their craft, it’s a different type of fulfillment involved. And many of them did have poor relationships and lives, multiple wives for instance. Addiction.”

“Aptly said, Sakura. Another instance that I’d say you may have your own void in need of exploration.”

Pursing her lips, her response comes with a bite. “Another swing and miss, Kabuto.”

Again, she feels him shrug, retreat from the line. Voice dripping slimy and conciliatory as he snarks, “I suppose I did offer myself up, and not you, after all.”

“I think it’s time for the next,” she says, infusing civil kindness in the shift. “Looks like you’ve begun quite the conversation, because lines are lighting up. Have a good night.”

Click.

Her companion in the booth holds up a hand with two fingers — two minutes, 120 seconds, a breather. Removing her headphones from around her neck, she stands and stretches. Crossing the room, she opens the door and pokes her head over the threshold.

“You got a message,” he says. “A strange man called with a rebuttal to the last guy’s arguments. Some rant about how art is the highest form of affection and he had no vision . . . really weird.”

“Huh. I guess he wasn’t comfortable speaking on the show?”

Raising his eyebrows, he runs a hand through his messy hair and smiles. Approaching his mid-thirties and always laboring under a stoic but world-weary demeanor, his slight detachment always rings as the conscientious but awkward treatment from a father who’s never home to tuck in his children. “He used the word explosion, so I didn’t find him particularly stable. ”

Sakura flashes a smile. “I’m back on in a second. Thanks for the interception.”

Waving a blithe hand, he gives her a chuckle — again so much like a well-meaning father. A pang of guilt, the origin of which she’s never sure of, as if he can see through the meticulous cosmetic visage prepared for later, can spot the glitter still lingering in the microscopic creases of her skin. As if he knows what’s buried at the bottom of her bag and has an inkling of her messy tryst and possibly destructive habits.

When she takes her place at the desk, settles the headphones onto her ears and gives him a thumbs-up, her foot brushes against the daybag propped underneath.

Click.

“And we’re back on this chilly Thursday evening, discussing the interplay of biology in the complex concept of love. Before we were specifically talking about how much of this process is truly in our control, and the different types of bonds that can form that don’t meet expectations of  our classic ideas of romance. Kabuto, if you’re still listening — someone felt that art should be placed on the shelf over medicine. Not sure how you would feel about that! So we’re on to the next . . .”

Pausing for a moment, she waits for her companion to send over the new caller; meeting eyes through the glass, he does so with a careless shrug, as if saying, Sure, why not?

A flash of irritation:  Stoic but waffling, an annoying combination. Sakura’s convinced he has a daughter at home he’s never learned how to communicate with; he strikes her as single-dad, not much extended family, sheepish in the face of attitude. She’s unable to deny that he has a certain sturdiness he brings to long nights; if she wasn’t so sure he would twist in knots at the mere hint of impropriety, she could see him asking after her sleep habits and vegetable servings. She, a prickly young woman and he, an awkward parent.

But she wishes — oh, she wishes he hadn’t let this call through, that his protective sense piqued just once at the correct juncture.

“Pardon, I didn’t catch your name,” Sakura says. Listening to the strange breathing on the other side of the line. Rolling her eyes to her call screener, he puts his hands together and dips his head in apology.

It continues, different and yet similar from a behavior before. Sasuke? She’s not so sure she’s willing to gamble on it though, professionalism notwithstanding. A rattle, a cadence unknown. Even silence has its own sound.

“Hello?”

“I’m here.”

In instinct her fingers curl into fists, green fingernails digging into the skin of her palms. Sharp. It distracts her from the way she yearns to kick her chair back and run. Perhaps it’s painted all over her face in vivid color, a portrait, all shadows and deep rivulets and frozen fear, dimly aware of eyes on her.

“S-sorry about that. Poor connection, maybe.” A smooth response she pours an easy smile into, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“No, I don’t think so. I promise I’m not here to scare you, though.”

A richness, a distinct and familiar quality, a sinister veneer of kindness — does he hear the falter in her own? Is she crazy to feel ready to run?

Chancing a throaty laugh, she says, “I should hope not. Seems like strangers in the night enjoy talking about love and loneliness. At least it always ends up that way.”

The man on the phone makes a dulcet noise of amusement, triggering a shiver that, while embodying the same tone she’s so used to from the man with which she spends most (lately, too many) nights, has something else. A quality that’s cold and dead where Sasuke’s reflects the opposite. Sakura thinks of resting a finger on the button and letting it slip, disconnecting from this, it, severing the connection.

“I’m sure you’ve heard before of what that says about you.”

Biting her lip, she struggles not to imbue a response with the same sharpness. “True; the woes of the host! But the show isn’t about me — it’s about all of you.”

“Tell me,” he says, breezing past her conciliatory words, “do you think that people are locked in by their destiny? Before, the orphan and his self-admitted devotion to something beyond? Incapable of regular relationships or just caught in a web of something else’s choosing?”

“I . . . like to think that we have more choice than that.”

“Is that what you tell yourself? That you choose these things, and each fork in the road is a decision you make, not one made for you? That you’re not caught in something larger than yourself, a web you stumbled into?”

It has a question underneath.

“Let me elaborate,” he continues. Bitterness with a jovial veneer:  Playacting. “Do you think meetings and falling in love are coincidences, occurrences, or divine intervention?”

Sakura’s laugh is genuine this time, bold. A touch of amusement. “These sound like stories more than they sound like evidence! They’re not new ideas, of course:  Literature in particular discusses all of these thematic possibilities, romantic but not well-supported in reality.”

“I wonder,” he says, unctuous. Sets her stomach roiling, like he’s in the room.

“Sure, there are events that happen with no true explanation. None rooted in evidence, anyway, unlike the things we were discussing earlier.” Sakura’s throat dries out at the close, and she swallows.

“‘Chaste and temperate people — not of their own will — fall in love, badly.’ You probably know that one, as well-read as you are.”

The copy of her book, given as a gift, sits on the bedside table in a room across the city in the apartment of the boy in love that handed it to her — the man that touches her like fire. She senses a string visible only in the light, bonding her to him, a tripwire strung by fate.

“Funny that it’s on the theme of ruining a house, a family name. That sounds so old-fashioned, doesn’t it?”

Goading her with the details he knows. She’s shaking for reasons she can’t understand, a quaking in the marrow.

Lowering his voice an octave, it claws like the night.

“Girl,” he hisses, “do you believe in curses?”

Click.

She gasps, gulping in air as if breaking the surface of water. Vision swimming, she realizes it wasn’t her who hit the disconnect. As he shoves back his chair and opens the door, she gropes for her own controls and hears herself rattle off something about how unfortunately, the connection was lost, and they’ll be cutting to the music early.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let him come through. What a strange man,” he says. Not coming too close, but after a moment he kneels down to her height. “Are you all right, Sakura? You look . . .”

“Fine.” Regretting the curtness. Inhaling and exhaling in a slow, measured breath, she flashes another thin smile. “I’m okay. Promise. It just . . . really caught me off guard. People are always odd but he was just plain creepy.”

Pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes, she imagines drowning in the bursting color. When she refocuses, her night partner has a glass of water and a bag of —

“Walnuts?” she asks. “Why walnuts?”

Shrugs. “They’re my favorite. You look pale; eat something.”

Acquiescing, she takes a few and chews them without tasting, lost in the accusing tones of a voice black as oily pitch.

.

This.

This is what she never used to do.

It’s not the activity itself — it’s the tang of too many gimlets and the glitter that she drags from floor to floor, the stardust sparkles taking refuge in her hair and skin. The press of bodies that she doesn’t know, will never know, the painful pressure valve release. If she closes her eyes and succumbs to the spin, the sensation of loosening from orbit and going on the float, she manages to pretend she doesn’t even know herself.

All she can think of is home. What and where is that? It’s certainly not here, where her beautiful shoes have difficulty parting ways from the sticky floor. It’s not the apartment in a neighborhood full of people starving and ill, nor her roommates that pass her most often as ships in the night; not anywhere.

The only thing that makes sense is her lovely, delinquent chemical adventure, yet it will be sabotaged like everything else.

Sakura thinks of his eyes, his hands, his skin. All of it could be here if she asked; she’s sure he would put up with so many things, if she asked.

Instead she brushes the skin and sweat of strangers, a roiling mass of bodies supporting one another as an ocean wave, losing themselves in emotions larger than what one can feel alone.

Her knees tremble; plagued by head spins, this is preferable to thinking.

When she takes a seat on a couch and settles into the cushion, one arm parallel, propped across the back, she rolls her ankle in a circular stretch. Pithy, ignorable. It’s nothing compared to how a heart carries pain, such a different animal.

Someone emerges from the alternating lights and gloom, placing a napkin on the low table in front of her and setting a drink, the same she’s been having all night, all morning. Questioning him with her eyes, he nods his chin behind her and melts away into the noise.

As she turns her head, a hand comes down on hers, the one resting on the back of the couch, and the force of it knives her gut, right under the ribs.

“Look straight ahead.”

Twisting angrily, she pulls; whoever it is digs the heel of his hand into her knuckles. Unable to see his face, she opens her mouth until his other hand settles on her shoulder, draping itself in a way that to anyone else would appear friendly, at worst a bit salacious.

“Let go of me.”

“Will you use those wild hands on me, girl?”

“What do you think?”

The grip on her shoulder tightens. Desperately wanting to flail, fight, but his unspoken threat is no bluff. The twisting sensation vibrates and transforms into nausea, a lump in her throat. Unless there’s someone in that mass of bodies tonight that feels like being a hero, she’s stuck staring straight ahead.

“That’s quite a heartbeat. Nervous, I bet.”

“Who are you?”

“You can’t tell? We just spoke.” He sighs with a hint of amusement. “You’re familiar with so many of us now, this should be easy for you.”

Do you believe in curses, girl?

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” A lie, and not a very good one. Sakura swallows hard.

“Not a very good liar. What is it with you and this family?”

She forces out a dark laugh. “Maybe you’re cursed.”

“I’d argue we’ve been cursed by you. I’m here to tell you to stop. You’re smart enough to let this go, like you let go of everything else. Do what you do — crawl back to who you were.”

“I don’t care about any of you.” Eyes flashing, speaking through a fake smile. “I never started it; I was a child! And not that it’s your business, but I’ve moved on to something new.”

His chuckle is foreboding, makes her feel sick. “Maybe you’re not so bright, then. You can’t even see it. That it’s something old, something blue. Is that how that silly rhyme goes?”

“If we’re going to be here a while, could I at least have the drink you so kindly brought me?”

“You’re a spitfire, aren’t you?” he hisses, tightening his grip. Hot breath ruffling locks of her hair. “You’re mouthy.”

“And I’ll scream, too.” True to form, her voice is a spit and she shrugs him off her shoulder. Surprisingly, he lets her go.

A pause, a deafening silence. She feels him begin to move away, and like the waiter she knows without seeing him that he’s melting away into the dark. Waiting for his inevitable departing words, but they never come.

She waits a full minute before leaping up and bolting across the dance floor.

Down a hallway, pressed with bodies and couples and partners lost in drunken and drugged hazes. Hot, chaotic. Using her elbows to push them aside to fight to the back door. Lets her full weight fall into the door and swings it open into the alley, and it takes her a while to realize the alarms bursting against the muted music is her doing. Too disassociated, too tipsy.

Crouching, leaning against the brick, she fumbles with the phone due to trembling, going right for the number out of a blurry list of them — none saved. All starting with a mishmash of area codes from the bonds she never takes with her. Except she knows the only one that matters.

She swallows a sob lingering in her throat. The emergency alarms tune in and out like a touchy radio.

“What’s wrong?”

Relief — his voice brings nothing but. Forgetting her own rules, she tries to tamp the fear encircling everything she wants to say.

“Can you come?” Feeling pathetic, scared.

“Tell me where you are, Sakura.”

Her mind on autopilot saves her, rattling off the address without pause like someone else speaking.

“I’m coming. Don’t move from where you are unless it’s dangerous.”

Silence strings between them, all the words that need to be said.

“Did I wake you?” Sakura asks quietly.

She imagines him shrugging, the way he looks away in lieu of focusing on her, like she’s too bright and he’s too shy. Or perhaps she’ll see the shadows.

“I wasn’t asleep. Frankly, I don’t sleep well at all. Lately, it’s been better.” Pauses again, inhaling, exhaling. “Something about that guy on your show bothered me. When you didn’t return, I didn’t want to assume — well, you go where you go.”

But Sakura hears in his voice how much he hates it. An admonition and ache all in one, the brusque admission that offers a glimpse of his heart.

“Sasuke—”

“Just stay there. You’ll be all right until I come.” She can almost hear what for him is as close to a smile as he gets. “You’re not a weak woman, after all. So hold on.”

The sensation of a rope around the neck loosens slightly, retreating. Readjusting on her haunches, she stares up at the stars, words surfacing and drowning in her addled daze

you have ruined her and me and all this house

“Sakura?”

Even in her precarious place, the burning in her chest and the wobbling in her legs, his voice still scatters gooseflesh on her hot, glittered skin.

“What did you say?” he asks sharply. “You’re fading. Keep yourself together.”

“Nothing,” she murmurs. “I’ll see you soon.”

Disconnecting the call, she presses the phone against her head, the fingers of her other hand weaving through her hair and tugging it over her face.

This is how Sasuke finds her, still crouching against the brick alley wall, bent and frozen. A grumpy security guard stands a couple of feet away from the open door, scowling at him as if her state is his doing.

“Tried to get your girl to sit inside — she’s not talkin’ much.”

Wrapping his coat around her, she listens to his instructions as in a dream, without reaction or pause. With a dismissive wave toward the guard, he whisks her away and gets a shrug in response.

To the curb, in the car. The grip on her face is tighter than he means, the worry in his voice rougher than he intends; it always comes back, the sovereignty of his name, the resources he invokes as he wishes and when it suits him, hates and indulges. Intensity and arrogance and obsessive love bred in his bones.

But he swipes a gentle thumb underneath her eye, stardust and tears, and somehow even this doesn’t look bad on her. Even this way, she’s divine, inhuman, special underneath whatever pressure made her — a diamond.

“Sasuke.”

Her voice is the throaty scrape of sandpaper, leading him off the path and into the water, drowning and purifying but for a man like him, it’s always doomed to be one and the same.

“Thank you.”

[purplesurveys]

1068

What internet browser do you use?  Chrome. It’s what I’m used to, but I also think it looks the cleanest among the other available browsers.

What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) I never reach for imported water brands like Evian because what is the point?? The local bottled water brands we have like Summit and Absolute work fine and already do a great job of quenching my thirst.

Do you have a job? Yes and I go back tomorrow and I’m cringing thinking about it. I love my job, but I wish it wasn’t so mercilessly hectic for 9 straight hours, 5 days a week. I like to think that I was hired right at the start of all the simultaneous Christmas campaigns of our clients which is why everything seemed busy; so I’m hoping the workload will start to die down a little bit now that all the holidays are over.

Are you full-time or part-time? Full-time.

Are you watching TV right now?  Nope. I was watching on YouTube earlier, but I decided to focus on this.

Or are you listening to music? No. It’s silent here in the living room, just the way I want it to currently be.

Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? I don’t think that’s enough money for a dare that big.

When's your birthday?  April 21st.

Thoughts on kids?  I’m a lot less idealistic about them now. I used to want kids with my only formula being “I’ll do the exact opposite of what my mom did with me.” but I realized it’s so much more complicated than that. Raising a kid/kids is a whole damn job in itself and I see that with how my cousins of the same age, but from different families, have been acting. My cousins from one family are really spoiled and entitled, and I can’t last in a room with them for more than a minute; but my cousins in another family are so ridiculously well-behaved I can’t even start to fathom how respectful and kind they are. That observation has scared me away from kids in the meantime, because I still have to figure out how to not fuck such a responsibility up.

Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents?  The worst thing they ever did was take away my laptop privileges for an indefinite period when I was 11, when they caught me being a dumbass on social media and cursing all over the place. It’s a reasonable punishment per se, but that was also a time when the internet was starting to become a resource and requirement for homework and school projects; so my parents didn’t know how many things I failed to submit because they didn’t allow me on the internet.

Are you the type who is completely against abortion? I am pro-choice and pro-pregnant people should be allowed to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t like the idea of abortion, but I’ve always believed people should have access to resources to learn more about it, to a healthy culture that embraces it as an option, and to actual facilities that will enable them to receive one if the need be.

Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? No, I don’t think so. Not yet at least.

Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? Peonies don’t mean anything in particular. I just think they look pretty.

What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered?  I can’t imagine dogs ever getting endangered, but hypothetically I’d be crushed. I’d do the same thing I would do with other endangered animals, which is to spread the word about their situation and what can be done to save them from getting even fewer in number.

Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette?  No. I never cared for makeup. I’m turning 23 and still don’t feel the need to invest in it...should I be worried?

Do you own a tripod for your camera? We used to, but I have not seen it in a long time.

Are your nails always painted?  They never are.

What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. < This was true for me too, at least for a time. Another one would be the barbecue that my uncle bought for a family gathering once that was definitely contaminated with something...shit gave me food poisoning at 3 AM and made me think my half-naked self was going to die right then and there in the bathroom.

Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for?  We only ever decorate for Christmas, so I guess it wins by default.

Were you popular in school? By the second half of high school I was hanging out with the popular groups and getting invited to popular kid things, but I never wanted to claim to be popular myself. I still liked letting my friends take the spotlight.

Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion?  Is there something you intend to buy in the near future?  Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have?  What's the screensaver on your computer?  Crossing these out as I believe this survey is a shuffle of questions from many different surveys...? and I have already answered these five in a past survey I recently finished.

What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I don’t really care for guys, I think... I still haven’t made up my mind about them yet, but all I know is I definitely have not felt seriously attracted to any irl man my whole life.

What’s the sexiest thing about a girl?  THIGHS

Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021?  Who was the last person to send you a message on social media?  ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown?  Have you smiled at any point during the last hour?  What was the last thing you consulted Google for? So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? When was the last time you were on a carousel?  What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? Have you ever played Halo?  Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine?  When was the last time you had a pillow fight?  Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: In your own words, define what the word sexy means.  What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live?  Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? Are you any good at volleyball?  Have you ever had a water balloon fight?  Same situation as above. What an interesting order of questions, hehe. Still having fun with this though!

Do you think some babies are ugly?  Newborns are super wrinkly and make the strangest facial expressions from time to time. That won’t stop me from cooing at them, though.

Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I’ve never been there. Is it like a standard birthday party events place for kids?

Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? In time, maybe. 

Do you love stuff-crusted pizza?  Yessssss.

Do you apply lotion after you bathe? I don’t, but I should probably pick it up as a habit seeing how dry my skin can get.

What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. < Same!

Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? Gabie.

Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? I’ve never even posted a video on YouTube.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? Not my spot of choice, so maybe not.

Do you like Robert Frost poems?  I’m only familiar with one and I’m having a little trouble remembering it rn haha.

Do you go to church every Sunday?  We used to go to church, yeah; back when it was okay to. Our local church has allowed face-to-face masses again (but with very limited attendees) but my mom has preferred for us to stay home, so for the last few months we’ve been watching livestreams of Sunday mass every week.

Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year?  I would say Gab and I were on-and-off, but it went on a lot longer than a year. The total time would amount to six years.

If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Writing. Or modeling, if I could only pull it off.

What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? I seriously don’t care. I skip out on bras all the time because I honestly personally don’t need them, and everyone should be allowed to feel and act the same way.

What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I never do this. Even before Covid, I’ve felt iffy about trying clothes that many others have already put on and were probably not washed 100% well. I’d rather get something, try it on at home, decide if it’s a good fit or not, and then return it ASAP if it ends up being the latter.

Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes?  My mom doesn’t knock so I’ve always been scared to try sleeping naked (and she also throws a fit if she catches me locking my door, which is like - then why did you even buy a doorknob with a lock??), but I definitely see the appeal.

Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone?  Yes for the more part lmao, but I don’t know if I’ve ever made out in a dream.

Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before?  Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve?  What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it?  Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? 

Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? Through choice. Waste management is sadly not much of a priority here, if at all.

Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day?  I have never tried the latter two. Water has always been tasteless and plain to me, and I never understood the point of customizing something that’s meant to be tasteless and uncarbonated. There are days where I’m able to have several glasses and other days where I unconsciously skip out on water until dinner.

Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? Fortunately I’ve never had to call any of these.

When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? I wasssssss maybe having something printed? If it wasn’t that, I was probably returning a book.

Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? None of that here, especially since I live in the city. A sighting of a wild animal outside of a zoo or eco-park would definitely make national news, like that time an ostrich was seen running around a private village many months ago.

Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? Yep, from a dengue scare that turned out to be just a simple low platelet count.

Have you ever experienced a panic attack?  Yes, but they are extremely rare. The last time I had one was maybe two or three years ago. Unfortunately I think all my panic attacks were caused by and involved my mom.

Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID?  For a time, when I was hating journalism in college, I was daydreaming about the idea of shifting to biology and making the drastic swerve to med school. But I knew a love of memorizing and biology topics won’t be enough for me to be successful in the medical field, so I quickly shot the idea down.

Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? People are definitely following and have been obedient with protocol in different places. Some cities are also still strict with maintaining their checkpoints and banning tourists from entering their area just yet. It’s the government that hasn’t really been making the effort to put measures to contain the virus.

Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree?  Artificial. I don’t know if getting real trees for Christmas trees is a thing here.

What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn?  Cheddar cheese.

Do you drink oat milk? Nopes. I’d like to try it just to say that I have (and I might end up loving it too), but I have yet to look up what foods or drinks it works best with.

Do you love thrifting?  Sure, sometimes I get good finds from it.

Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic?  Sometimes I’ll use it in a Powerpoint or a tweet, but I wouldn’t say it’s an aesthetic that defines me as a person.

Do you say “mood?”  Too much.

Do you own fairy lights?  No. I wanted those before, but I’m not so sure if I still do now.

Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? I don’t own glass straws. Most places have changed their cups into a design that you can sip directly from, anyway.

Have you made a TikTok? No, don’t care.

Do you own airpods?  No, but would like a pair.

Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I really don’t care.

Do you make life choices based on astrology?  No, I don’t believe in it. It scares me how much some people rely on it and use it as an actual moral compass or judgment system. It doesn’t harm anyone so I never actively speak out against astrology, but it scares me nonetheless.

How many pairs of converse shoes do you own?  One pair. I used to own another one, but my mom threw it out several years ago.

Number of jeans in your closet:  I would say like 10-12.

What accent do you have?  Philippine English/Americanized Filipino, I guess.

Do you have a big butt? I’d say it’s decently-sized.

Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? Yeah, before.

Have you graduated?  Both high school and college, yup.

Rihanna or Lady GaGa?  I like Rihanna’s music more, but I love Gaga’s outfits, concepts, and stage presence more. Do you use fake eyelashes?  No. I had to use them twice, but I’d never seek them out on my own.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? It’s been a while since I encountered a book like this.

What makeup brands do you use?  I don’t use makeup.

[soysaucevictim]

Late to post, but here’s Week 2 of Spellbound.

-

Aug. 22

I woke up around 11AM.

Did some video editing and started uploading the footage of me drawing that Remus pixel portrait of Remus.

The did some dishes and made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Mushroom Penne with truffle cream. I liked it to a middling extent (I’m enjoying truffle more myself, but I recognize how intense of a flavor it is). But yeah. It was met with a “meh”.

Spent a few hours updating some logs and documenting last few day’s of events. Then, I did today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 climbers with EC. Pretty fun and breezy. I tried to land lightly on my feet this time - just to feel graceful like that.

Last, Chapter 7 of the SbP. I was to charge and cast “Healing Level 1 Spell“ to help an NPC out. I rested about 1′ in between sets - it was mostly breezy yoga... mostly. Glad the up/down dogs were done in pairs, the child’s pose was a nice breather too. Really felt the fatigue build-up when it came to that plank hold. But it was pretty satisfying to transition between exercises as smoothly as possible!

Did some online shopping and watched YouTube before bed... late again.

-

Aug. 23

I woke up after 11AM.

Did some chatting and whatnot before getting in today’s exercise early (which was welcomingly chill.)

First, today’s DD. 1′ plank punches with EC. I counted exactly 60 reps today, so I’m fairly happy about that pace!

Last, Chapter 8 of the SbP. I was to charge and cast “Tracking Spell“. It was nice to just do meditation again. This required 10′ and I focused on breathing from the belly as best I could. Mind wandered a lil but that’s just how it goes. It was still pretty relaxing!

Chill was disrupted by a transient health scare with Dad... threw my entire day off. Was supposed to be movie night, but between anxiety about that and fear that things would interrupt movie time. But chatting and browsing stuff helped a bit.

I got to bed obscenely late again.

-

Aug. 24

I woke up around 2PM.

Had technical issues but more notably there was a pretty loud/angry argument bro had with the Uncle about his negligent cooking and mess-cleaning leading to the kitchen sink being backed-up.

There was shoving involved. Fucked me up mentally for a good while, if I’m totally honest... I tried doing some Sides analysis and chatted for a distraction, before doing my exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 scorpion twists with EC. A little less fun to do with a slightly full stomach. But oh well. I like the exercise well enough.

Last, Chapter 9 of the SbP. I was told to charge a couple more spells.

First had to be “Shield“. Variable rest times, today. I could feel the jitters start to melt as I went along, so that was more than welcome. Some ankle complaint noted from the jumping lunges, but at least it wasn’t very many of those.

Second was just any attack spell - I charged “Wind Blast“. Pretty variable rest here, too. Kinda didn’t want to do a lot of floorwork today - but I do think I hit the arms a bit harder for it. Still gotta be mindful of your elbows for plank rotations, too.

That helped dial down the jitters I was having for a bit... so did chatting and trying to sketch a fan art idea out.

But I still wound up pulling an allnighter because I was an anxious mess today... I didn’t really get much done other than some rambling on the fandom blog and watching YouTube...

-

Aug. 25

This morning I did some dishes, made a trip reservation, ranted on Twitter about sources of distress before taking a couple hour nap.

Spent most of day chatting and browsing stuff.

It was a bit late, but I did get in some exercise today.

First, today’s DD. 2′ single leg hops, without EC. Had to drop at 1′30″ mark, rested a few seconds to finish up. Only counted the the longer set’s reps - 120. Honestly, sleep-deprivation REALLY didn’t help.

Last, Chapter 10 of the SbP. Casted the “Shield” spell, though I’m not doing the probability check, the roll I got was a success anyways.

Then I was to charge & cast, “Healing Level 1 Spell“ again. Whoo boy... eating jalapeno poppers was NOT the smartest decision shortly before this. Gave myself some heartburn and coughing because of said heartburn. But I powered through that. :I

Then, I hit the showers and washed my mask. Browsed tumblr for a bit before hitting the sack. Happy but unsurprised by managing the yellow zone. Exhausted and I had somewhere to be tomorrow.

-

Aug. 26

I woke up around 11AM.

Went to Seeking Safety Group. Went alright.

Got home and spent some hours streaming/making that glitchy, hellish mash-up I did for silly reason. Also spent time chatting and browsing about.

Very late, but I managed to get in my exercise around 11PM, tonight.

First, today’s DD. 2′ side leg raise with EC (1′/1′). This was pretty breezy to get through. Get more out of this if you can make a right angle with side of hip to floor.

Last, Chapter 11 of the SbP. I was to charge and cast the “Super Strength Spell“. Variable to max amount of rest taken between sets, this time. Tried to make the push-ups decent. But it was pretty easy to get through this in a timely fashion.

Spent rest of my night doing Sides analysis stuff. Got to bed obscenely late... only saving grace was that it was before noon. :/

-

Aug. 27

I woke up around noon.

I spent most of my day chatting and doing that Sides analysis stuff (interpreting pairing platonically positively.) I wound up writing like 2.3k words on that instead of fic writing... woops.

Did my exercise late.

Spent vast majority of my day working on a positive analysis of all the Sides pairings [platonic intent], set to post tomorrow. Had a lot of fun chatting about it too. I wrote like 2.3k words on it... orz

First, today’s DD. 2′ O-Pose with EC. That definitely got me trembling the whole way through. Things got real after 1′ and legs started to feel like dropping in the last 20″. But I’m really happy I managed it. This is a personal favorite exercise. Very meditative!

Last, Chapter 12 of the SbP. I was to charge and cast the “Invisibility Spell.“ Max rest. The plank rotations were the hardest part - everything else was pretty manageable.

I did get to bed too late, almost in the yellow zone.

-

Aug. 28

I woke up a bit after 9AM.

I had to go to my psychiatrist appointment today. Went alright... got a chance to share that scary!Remus art with him. I did mention the acute shit that’s been happening... but also my more positive coping stuff.

Got home and when the Hello Fresh arrived - I did dishes and made today’s meal. Italian noodle soup. This was another chicken sausage based soup - pretty enjoyable. Bro liked the kale soup more. But at least I think it was more accessible for pops and his lack of teeth.

I was already tired at that point... but I had to help deal with kitchen sink problems I didn’t realize were an issue. Whatever the Uncle did to “fix“ the sink broke it and it was leaking the entire time I was doing dishes! Fucking hell.

Had to take another shower after that.

Active rest day, only devoted exercise was going to be  today’s DD. 40 raised leg circles with EC. Not a fan of neck strain. But doable. Just glad it was only that with my energy levels.

Got to bed later than yesterday.

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Life | 2019

Or that annual New Year’s meme about yours truly.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Had abdominal surgery! I spent most of April either doped up or unconscious. Long story short, I had an ovarian cyst that they thought was twice as big as my fist. So they fast-tracked me to surgery, and discovered that while I did have an ovarian cyst that was pretty large, most of the issue was that my bowel had fused to my uterine wall. Or was it abdominal wall? Either way, my bowel was glued to where it shouldn’t be and very angry because it had a fairly large pre-cancerous polyp in it. Which I found out a week after the abdominal surgery, when I had to have a colonoscopy. Which leads me to...

Had to do three different bowel preps in less than a month! It’s really not fun, guys. But, I got a cyst removed, a polyp removed, a metric fuckton of endo removed, and got my bowel back where it should be. Also, they confirmed that I can have babies! Which I didn’t know I was so fucked up about until I started crying about it post surgery.

Oh, also I peed in a bedpan. That’s also something I’ve never done before. And and and, been sick on Christmas! - Adding Tanya later in this post means I remembered something else I’d never done before - jumped into a pool fully dressed. Then became... no longer dressed.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Still don’t remember what my resolution was which- hey, 2020 Heather! Your 2019 resolution is to legitimately lose weight (she says while eating cotton candy ice cream out of the tub) and quit smoking again. Also, maybe be engaged. But mostly, the weight and the smoking thing. 

As for 2019 resolutions- I can guess what they were, which probably boiled down to losing weight. I put on about 20 pounds after surgery and haven’t lost it, because shocker, abdominal surgery really fucks with your core strength. Pretty sure there was something in there about reading 100 books (done), beating 4 games (done), and write something original (done? technically?) and/or novel-length (negative). 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? High school people and a few old coworkers. Nick’s cousin and his wife just had their third kid though. I think it may have actually happened on Christmas. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries. Went to North Carolina for our possible last beach vacation. In January we’re going to Vegas for our friend’s wedding, which will be interesting. They’re getting married on a ferris wheel by an Elvis impersonator. May also go to Maine this year, but not sure yet because I only have a certain amount of vacation time. 

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? Didn’t get a ring, yet. But we’ll see. We also didn’t get the house yet, so lets recycle those wants! Also, while we’re shooting big here, how about a better goddamn president?

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Started my second big girl job on November 18th. Had surgery on April 12th. Not a whole lot else stands out. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Got a new job! With more money and more responsibility and will look really good on a resume! Didn’t kill myself? Which sounds pretty morbid, but I had a lot of pain in my life earlier in the year. 

9. What was your biggest failure? Not... losing... weight? Because I really need to do that. The heartburn bullshit will likely go away. The sleep apnea thing will likely go away. Your health in general will improve. And you don’t even like food that much anyway!  10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I think I’ve had the flu twice this year and again, abdominal surgery, so yes. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I got nice clothes? Most of the other shit has been knick-knacks. I got more books. A new bookshelf!  12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don’t know. Mine, I guess. I mean, 2019 wasn’t the worst, but it definitely has not been great.  13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I have a friend. Let’s call her Amanda. Yeah, her. She’s blown us off a lot this year, which really sucks. The rest of it is her own decisions that only affect us because it’s inevitably going to affect her in a terrible way, but the blowing us off and only using us as passes for free food and ways to do her laundry really sucks.

14. Where did most of your money go? Surgery! My OOP may have been met in April, but the surgery itself was $48,000. I’ve only had to pay about $6,000 because my OOP was 5k, but that still hurts. And my dental sucks, which means I paid out of my ass to fix my teeth. Also, I bought way too many clothes and books. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I do still appreciate having a job with decent money. The new job will have insurance after my 90 day probation period (yeah, because you can’t have health care for 3 months even if you work in health care because you’re new). I’m glad that I caught the polyp before it became cancerous. I was happy I could have babies. I got excited about the new His Dark Materials series and The Witcher series and Kingdom Hearts 3 and God of War, and probably at least a couple other fandom things.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019? Face My Fears. Curse of the I-5 Corridor. Hadestown soundtrack. Transistor soundtrack. Wasteland, Baby! album. Billie Eilish in general. Lark of My Heart. But mostly, Face My Fears and Don’t Think Twice. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Sadder, probably? 2019 wasn’t great. ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter.  iii. richer or poorer? Technically probably on par with where I was last year? I didn’t save quite as much as I wanted to with the surgery happening. Also, my car needed some pricey repairs this year. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I do wish I’d written more this year, but I wrote a lot in October. Possibly more than the last two years combined, which was nice. And I read a lot. I kind of wish I slept more. Or ate better. Or worked out more. I’m just really tired this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spent less time with doctors? But I mean, taking care of myself is good and I’ve never had that option before.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it mostly sleeping. We got a bug that was either a really bad cold or a flu, so I’ve spent the last week generally shitty and sweaty and tired. First year that we haven’t been able to do Christmas basically at all. But we spent the hours between 6pm on Christmas Eve and 10am Christmas morning have the most restless goddamn sleep in the world and then opened presents and watched Love Actually and some television (the last two episodes of the Witcher!) while kind of napping on the couch, and ordered Chinese because it was hungry and the only thing open. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Think I’m going to make the pirozki on Sunday, and then we’re doing a gift exchange with some of our friends at his mom’s house. 22. Did you fall in love in 2019? Eh. Still love him.  23. Best month for you this year? Clearly me having a good 2018 while everyone else had a shitty one guaranteed 2019 to be shit, because I honestly don’t fucking know. October was nice. So was August. But fuck most of the rest of it.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2019? Russian Doll, Glow, The Dragon Prince, Good Omens, Schitt’s Creek, The Terror, Chernobyl, Buzzfeed Unsolved, She-Ra, His Dark Materials, The Witcher... 2019 may have been a meh year, but it had some good shows. Of those, I think my favorite was probably either The Witcher or Good Omens, with His Dark Materials, Russian Doll, and The Terror tying for third. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Eh.

26. What was the best book you read? Red, White, & Royal Blue was probably my favorite. I also read Sanderson’s books this year though, which were also absolutely amazing. Mistborn and The Stormlight Archive were wonderful. It was a pretty great year for books too. Books and TV, well done 2019. Middlegame, The Ninth Gate, a lot of rereads. Best one was still Red, White, & Royal Blue though. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Do Utada Hikaru’s new Kingdom Hearts anthems count? Because Spanish Sahara by Foals, Obstacles by Syd Matters, the new Hozier album, and the Hadestown soundtrack were all wonderful musical discoveries. 28. What did you want and got? I don’t know. New clothes? A laptop? Confirmation that my ovaries work?

29. What did you want but didn’t get? Well, I lost the bet with Brandon. No ring by the end of 2019. No kids, either, but we aren’t quite there yet. No house. No perfect health? Is that a thing?

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I liked Into the Spiderverse a lot. Detective Pikachu. Rocketman.Frozen 2. Endgame was all right. I didn’t hate the new Star Wars. Toy Story 4. IT. It wasn’t a super great movie year for me.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? The big 3-0. It was all right. The night before we went to Fujiyamas with a couple of our friends, then on my birthday we had breakfast at First Watch, did some Christmas shopping, and went to the Zoo Lights a little after 5. Froze to death because it was snowing and shocker, when snow melts you get wet, but it was nice. Then had a late dinner at Mackenzie River, because it was one of the only places still open and close to our place.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hah! A better president and a ring is the only thing that I didn’t get from my wishes last year. ----Hmmmmm 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? I did not give up and buys Scrubs. Instead I have a perhaps slightly oversized work appropriate selection of jeans (for Fridays), work slacks, blouses/sweaters, dresses, and skirts. I spent a little too much on clothes this year. I blame discovering Torrid. 34. What kept you sane? Reading was really, really great this year. - STILL leaving this answer, three years running! 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? David Tenant made a shocking comeback after Good Omens aired. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789. —– Ayyyyy, this was my response from last year, and apparently also the year before and the one before! Hello past me’s, don’t worry, it’s still getting worse. 37. Who did you miss? Myself. Also, my brother, who is still in jail almost a year later and still no fucking trial. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t know. Oh! I do know! I really like Tanya. 

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Tanya is awesome and pretty and fun and possibly at least a little bit crazy, but we all fucking are, come on. She got to come with us on vacation this year and it really made it interesting. Also, Shay and Alicia. I knew them last year, but got to know them pretty well this year.

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

Took this one about 20 minutes after midnight on January 1st, 2019 after my first successful round of Battleshots. The hat went to the winner. It is not the most flattering picture, because I had been drinking already before I had to take four shots of Satan’s cinnamon liquor.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

Taken on my birthday, at the zoo. Again, snow melts.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Not sure? There’s not a whole lot of new food we haven’t tried. One of the pharmacists brought in some authentic Indian food for one of the potlucks we had and I don’t remember what it was called but it had rice and eggs and was amazing.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I don’t know. We saw both Hamilton and Les Mis this year and they both reduced me to tears. I also had some good moments with books and tv shows I watched with Nick.

44. What are you excited for next year? There’s a couple new books. The election. Some tv shows, I think? Games? I don’t know, man. I’m trying not to come off as horribly depressed but I am kind of pretty depressed and nobody will ever know because the only person who ever gets this far into reading these things is me, so- hello 2020 me, you were really sad on December 26th 2019 and honestly for most of the year, so I sure hope 2020 is the year that we fucking seize life by the horns or however that saying goes.

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I feel like my message from last year is fucking taunting me. Legit though, this is not the worst thing you’ve ever been through. You have a boyfriend who loves you, two wonderful cats that better not fucking die anytime soon, and like, I don’t know, working ovaries. A job. A car. An apartment that has a kind of shitty kitchen and a bath tub that might as well not exist, but is still an apartment! Which is more than some people have! 

I guess my message from last year (it gets better) is in almost direct opposition of this year, which is basically: it could always be worse. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer

(seriously, deliriously happy 2018 me quoting singin’ in the rain is taunting me wtf)

First Fandom of 2019: January of 2019 was pretty solidly Detroit Become Human. It hit me hard. Favorite Main Character of 2019: Jonathan Sims. I was a slut for the Archivist in 2019. Favorite Villain of 2019: Elias from The Magnus Archives, maybe? My only other response would be.. dun dun dun, Ben Solo aka Kylo Ron or whatever Favorite M/F Couple of 2019: I... am back on my Reylo bullshit. Favorite F/F Couple of 2019: Can I say Villanelle and Eve even if I didn’t really dip into the fandom? No? Okay, Catra and Adora. Favorite M/M Couple of 2019: Okay, so the three that got me this year was Hank/Connor, Jon/Martin, and Ryan/Shane.  Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: Um, Buzzfeed Unsolved. Never would have guessed that one. Also like, while I would have expected Detroit Become Human I never would have guessed my favorite ship. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Sigh. Twas that Reylo smacking me in the face at the tail end of 2019. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Insert shrug? I read a weird Buzzfeed Unsolved fic above Mothman giving the guys sharable dreams (that were sometimes weird and sometimes sexy) until they boned. Last Fandom of 2019: Sighing again. Reylo. Though Yuletide has made it so I’ve read a lot of Queen’s Thief stuff. Favorite Fandom of 2019: I think that Buzzfeed Unsolved was my favorite purely from a fic standpoint, but Detroit Become Human and The Magnus Archives were both really great too.

[vagrantblvrd]

Destination Anywhere (1/1)

Summary: Experience has taught Ryan that being rousted out of bed in the middle of the night and into a car with its engine running is never a good thing.

Notes: Prompt fill for @demoncowedgar who asked for camping Battle Buddies. :D?

(Read on AO3)

Experience has taught Ryan that being rousted out of bed in the middle of the night and into a car with its engine running is never a good thing.

Never.

The fact that Jeremy has a shit-eating grin on his face as he’s rousting Ryan is the only thing that keeps Ryan from resisting.

Much, anyway.

“Jeremy, what the hell - “

Jeremy’s grin takes on a manic edge as he puts his body into it, shoulder against Ryan’s back as he shoves him out of their tiny apartment.

“It’s a surprise, Ryan!” he hisses, mindful of the late (early?) hour and their sleeping neighbors. “We’re going on an adventure so shut the fuck up and enjoy it!”

And then he plays dirty and jabs an elbow in Ryan’s kidney to buy enough time to lock up behind them as Ryan jerks away from him in annoyance.

“Son of a bitch!” he hisses, rubbing at his side as Jeremy shoots him a look that’s not sorry at all. “Jeremy!”

Jeremy eyes him, head cocked. Look on his face like he’s calculating the odds of taking Ryan in a fight right here, right now, and snorts. Expression clearing as he reaches up to smooth a wayward strand of hair behind Ryan’s ear.

Grins like the unrepentant asshole he is and darts in to peck Ryan on the cheek.

“Hey,” he says, stupidly soft and fond. “Trust me, okay? This will be great.”

(Famous last words.)

========

Jeremy makes up for trying to rupture Ryan’s kidney by shoving a bag of food from (one of) Ryan’s favorite fast food places in his hands once they’re in the car.

Has to be an asshole about it, though. Gives Ryan this pointed little look before it clicks in Ryan's head that he hasn't buckled in yet, and then he pulls the bag from...somewhere.

Ryan rolls his eyes as he opens the bag to poke through it as Jeremy puts the car into drive and pulls int traffic because Jeremy, suspicion rising as he realizes Jeremy got his favorites.

Buttering him up for something, or maybe he just thinks Ryan won’t be able to bitch with his mouth full, who the hell knows?

“Here,” Jeremy says, and hands Ryan a hot cup of coffee from the same fast food place. “Liquid candy bar just the way you like it.”

Alright, so he’s not doing a great job with this whole peace offering deal by being an ass, but this is Jeremy so…

“Okay, look,” Ryan says, balancing the bag of food on his lap as he takes the completely valid coffee, thank you very much. “I’m not the one who might as well be injecting energy drinks directly into my veins.”

He’s just.

Easing his way into this coffee business, nice and slow. If that means he adds a touch of creamer and sugar to it before he tosses it down hit gullet, that’s no one’s business but his own.

Jeremy scoffs, fingers tapping out a jaunty little rhythm on the steering wheel as they get caught at a red light -

“Wait,” Jeremy says, a few beats later, almost misses it when the light turns green, but that’s okay because the asshole behind them honks his horn to let them know. “Would that work?”

Oh, Jesus Christ.

“No,” Ryan says, putting as much emphasis on it as he can because no.

This is like the time Jeremy asked him if he could bulk up on protein via semen, which.

It had been a Thing at a time in Ryan’s life when that was a fraught conversation to have with Jeremy, because pining. (All the pining, and the others laughing at them while they placed bets on when he and Jeremy would “get their shit together and bone, fucking hell, it’s just embarrassing at this point,”.)

“Jeremy please. Do not do the thing. I’m begging you.”

Jeremy hums thoughtfully the way he does when he’s not listening, mind turning over some puzzle or another that won’t end well for anyone.

Ryan takes a sip of his coffee in something close to desperation because Jeremy will be the death of him one of these days.

========

They stop at a truckstop an hour out of Los Santos for gas and a bathroom break. It’s a touristy little place with lots of kitschy souvenirs for sale.

Ryan takes the opportunity to root around in the trunk for clues. He finds a pair of backpacks packed with clothes and toiletries for the two of them. Bags of food and a cooler. Other assorted camping gear, including a couple of fishing poles and bag from a sporting goods store with fishing tackle and bait inside.

“Huh,” he says, because he was expecting to find a body instead.

It’s been...way too damned long since Ryan’s been camping.

Camping-camping, not a survival training exercise or mission gone wrong when they were still with the agency. Not a heist SNAFU where he has to pull himself out of a river and hike through God knows how many miles of wilderness to get to the nearest road like last month.

Just.

Camping.

He’s told Jeremy about wanting to go again one day, like he used to when he was a dumb kid and things were simpler.

Take a few days off and find a quiet spot, sleep under the stars.

Roast marshmallows over a campfire, make s’mores.

The whole shebang.

Never thought he’d get the chance, the way their lives go, but -

The sound of Jeremy’s voice brings Ryan’s head up, sees him stopping to chat with a pair of college kids struggling with changing their tire.

Infectious laugh and a smile that lights up his face, and Ryan’s gone on the asshole the way the others are always ribbing him about because he feels this swell of affection for Jeremy. (Might be heartburn though, because breakfast sandwich, but he doesn’t think so.)

Ryan closes the trunk and slips back into the truckstop’s gift shop for that mug he saw while Jeremy’s busy playing good samaritan..

========

“You saw, huh?”

There’s a rueful grin tugging at Jeremy’s lips, sunglasses on in face of the bright sunlight coming though the windshield and this little blush spreading over his cheeks.

Ryan bites back a laugh and pops open one of Jeremy’s energy drinks before handing it over.

========

Several hours later they stop at a cabin overlooking a lake. Small, quaint little thing made out of wood logs and perfect for a postcard.

Quiet spot far enough away from neighboring cabins they won’t be disturbed and Ryan loves it.

He gets a lot of shit from the others for his love of shiny technology, gadgets and the whatnot. Gets called a city boy because they don’t know, but he misses this.

“There’s hiking trails all over the place,” Jeremy says, joining Ryan on the porch facing the lake. “Spots we can set up a tent if you’d rather do that than stay here. I just thought - “

Ryan glances down at Jeremy. Catches all his nervous tells no amount of training could ever beat out of him, and feels that swell of affection for him again. All-encompassing, because they’ve been through a lot together, the two of them, and Jeremy still gets like this.

Nervous, awkward, like he has no damn idea how much Ryan loves him and that’s the worst rime Ryan’s ever committed right there.

“Jeremy, shut up” Ryan says, smile tugging at his mouth at the way Jeremy’s mouth snaps shut, the look he sends Ryan.

Eyes narrowed, answering grin curving his mouth and some snappy little comeback on his lips Ryan steals away with a kiss.

========

So, the thing about camping memories and nostalgia leave out? (Smooth over, make sure you forget about in light of the good times just to fuck you over when you least expect it?)

How goddamned annoying it can be.

Bugs and insects, for starters. Squirrels being territorial little shits. Birds literally shitting on you.

The weather taking a turn, because Jeremy forgot to check the forecast with everything else he had to do to keep this jaunt a secret from Ryan.

Rain coming down hard enough he’s worried the tent might give up the ghost on them and leave then drenched and miserable because they couldn’t not use the damn thing at least once. (It already drowned their campfire, ruined the s’mores Ryan was looking forward to, why not this too?)

Also? Goddamned rocks.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Ryan mutters, shifting to get away from that pointy little rock digging into his shoulder blade.

They double and triple checked for shit like this when they found a promising camping spot for the night. Cleared out the rocks and other debris before setting up the tent and laying out their sleeping bags and still there are things trying to stab him to death.

Beside him Jeremy is suspiciously still, and Ryan reaches for the flashlight to snap it on.

Aims it at the cocoon that is Jeremy and his sputtered laughter as he glares at his stupid sleeping bag. (Dark purple with bright orange reflective stripes and Ryan doesn’t want to know how long he looked for the perfect sleeping bag, he really doesn’t.)

“You can just shut up,” Ryan mutters, little flare of rage when he searches for the stabby rock and can’t find it, even though he knows it’s there.

Like it’s some kind of damn stealth assassin waiting to attack again when lets his guard down.

Jeremy is laughing at him, quiet wheezy thing, and Ryan snarls because this isn’t funny.

“Ryan,” Jeremy wheezes, so damned amused. “Oh my God, Ryan.”

Ryan looks at Jeremy, who is mocking him in his hour of need.

Sees the helpless grin on his face and all this love and affection there for Ryan to see and he has to look away again because it’s...it’s a lot.

Always has been, and Ryan’s never sure he deserves it. (Jeremy could do so much better than him, is the thing and yet here they are.)

“Hey,” Jeremy says, soft, quiet. “Idiot, hey.”

Ryan snorts as he looks at the moron he fell in love with a long, long time ago. Always a sweet-talker, Jeremy.

“Come over here,” Jeremy says, tugging at Ryan’s sleeve. “There aren’t any rocks, I promise.”

That sounds like a lie and a trap, because Jeremy is the kind of person who endure discomfort just to make someone else suffer.

“Uh-huh,” Ryan says, but he goes anyway because he’s the kind of idiot who falls for it every time.

========

There are indeed rocks and other stabby bits, but there’s also Jeremy, so Ryan figures he breaks even on that one.

[bucky-iss-bae]

Sweet Tooth - Steve Rogers x Reader

A/N: I knowww I need to be consistent, I slowly will be. Just a mess rn, but request whenever, I’ll reply and try my best xoxo 

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader 

Fandom: MCU/Marvel

Prompts: Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader   -- Do you really need all that candy?”  “Welcome to fatherhood.” “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!” “Does he know about the baby?”

Warnings: FLUFF - Sam being my fav - A few swears

Word count: 1500ish

Hope you all Enjoyyyy xoxo Feedback is always appreciated

THIS HASNT BEEN PROOF READ, I WROTE IT AT 1AM AND IN HALF AN HOUR, THE QUICKEST I’VE EVER BEEN XOXO 

Masterlist Fandom list

To say you were like a child when it came to anything sweet was an understatement, you went from cake to candy within seconds. Cake covered in candy was a dream come true, but then hiding all of this form your husband was often proven to be difficult. Lately, you just wanted more and more. Your cravings getting the better of you, you were pretty sure mini you would be exactly like you. Especially since you were making cake pops covered in sweets at 5am because nausea and heartburn were often too much to take in at once, this then led to not being able to sleeping, and feeling too hot in bed. What better way to stop that from happening than your fulfilling your cravings yourself and having a sweet breakfast.

This is how Steve found you before leaving for his run. Eating freshly baked cake, and sweets while the cake pops were sat in the fridge. He walked out of the bedroom confused, rubbing his eyes and staring at you sat on the kitchen stool eating,

“Y/N...” He called, his voice drowsy, but damn sexy,

You spun around and smiled at him, Steve still didn’t know the reason behind this madness, but you just sat there and gave him a smile,

“I was hungry” You defended yourself,

He just chuckled and shook his head, he first came over to give you a quick kiss before going for the coffee which you hadn’t made for yourself.

“Surprised this wasn’t the first thing you got this morning” He motioned towards the coffee, “And I got so worried when I woke up and you weren’t there. Usually, you’re still in bed until I get back”

You snorted at that, “I know... but as I said. I was hungry” You don’t know why, but you were so worried to tell Steve,  

There was a knock on the door and you pulled a face not knowing who it would be at such a godawful hour.

“It’s Sam,” Steve said smiling at you, “You wanna grab that? I’m going to get changed”

“Oh god, making me endure Sam for a whole two minutes at 5am. What could be worse” You asked with your voice laced in sarcasm,

Your relationship with Sam was a good one. He was one of your closest friends. Sadly, he worked out the change in your before Steve did, maybe it was because you were Sams drinking buddy considering his other closest friends were immune to the stuff. As soon as he realised that you also stopped that was his first question, and apparently you have a tell. One that only he seems to know.

“He’s worse in the mornings. That’s why I’ll let you deal with him” He called,

You couldn’t help but laugh at that but went to answer the door as he went to shower.

“Good morning Samuel,” You said to him,

He had his usual cheery smile on his face as he hugged you,

“Hey Y/N, what the hell happened for you to be awake this early? Unless you haven’t slept. That’s the only viable reason I‘ll believe right now”

“Heh” You said pulling a face at him, “I woke up at about half 3, I couldn’t sleep, ended up out here at half 4, and I’ve got cake pops. They’ll probably be ready when you get back”

His eyes brightened at that, “Well... damn. Ok. I’ll be back here later then, don’t catch me messing with you for waking up late when you’ve been cooking up some food”

You smiled at that, and threw a smartie’ at him, “You realise I’m going for a run right?” He asked popping it in his mouth,

You shrugged at that, “YOu eat more junk than I do, and that’s saying something”

He snorted at that, “Look at all this shit you’ve got. How do I eat more than you do?” He asked,

“Says the guy who could probably eat two tower burgers.”

He snorted at that, “At least I don’t get heartburn from it”

Your jaw dropped and this time you threw an empty box at his head which he easily ducked,

“That’s not my fault...” You whined,

Sam just grinned, “This is the cravings right, but damn, do you really need all this candy? Surprised you’ve not got Steve running to the bakery after our run instead”

That triggered something in your head, maybe he should, once you’ve told him,

“I will... soon” You shrugged picking at more cake that you left over,

“Does he know about the baby?” Sam asked you while also picking at some of the cake,

As he said that you both heard Steve’s footsteps coming out into the kitchen, you froze in fear at what he said, ready to fight Sam right here, right now.

You were too afraid to turn and face Steve, knowing he heard exactly what Sam said. Sam who was sat beside you also froze, refusing to turn around in fear,

“What?” Steve finally asked,

You slowly turned around, your face scrunched up in fear, “Welcome to fatherhood” You squeaked out,

His mouth opened and closed a few time, his eyes softer than you had ever seen then,

“Are you... are you pregnant?” He whispered,

You gave a sheepish nod, “Yeah... I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you. But then this dickhead opens his mouth” You grumble,  

“Sorry... I.... Shit sorry guys” Sam said, the look on his face was enough to know he was ready to laugh, but he knew better than to laugh,

“Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass” You grumbled under your breath, “Sorry I didn’t tell you” You then said to Steve,

He was still stood in awestruck, staring at your stomach then you,

He came up to you and cupped your face in his hands, “You’re pregnant” He whispered again, a smile on his face.

You nodded at him and smiled, “Yeah... I had an appointment a few weeks ago. Just to make sure I’m ok, but I’m still only in the first trimester. My body’s been reacting differently, getting nausea a lot earlier and everything because of well, super soldier. But yeah, I have my first proper scan next week”

You felt tears coming to your eyes, it was the hormones. Everything is the hormones.

“And the cravings?” He chuckled, “The sweeter than normal tooth? The heartburn?” He asked,

You nodded, “All of it. And shit the hormones. I fucking cried more than ever at The notebook a few nights ago. And this is just the start” you mumbled,

He just smiled and kissed you, “We’re going to be parents” He mumbled against your lips, “We’re going to have a baby.”

You smiled into the kiss before smiling up at him, “You’re happy right?” You asked him,

He laughed a little, “Y/N, I’m more than happy. We’ll have our own little family”

You were so relieved that he was happy, a weight you hadn’t realised off of your shoulders,

A moment later you heard Sam clear his throat,

You snapped out of the moment there and glared at Sam, “Samuel Wilson. You’re getting an ass whoopin’ you took the reveal away from me” You whined,

“It was a mistake” He deafened himself, “tell you what, you can just surprise me when you make me the godfather. Then it’ll all be fine” he said putting his hands up,

You couldn’t help but laugh at his stupidity, as did Steve, “I think I’ll skip out on the run today Sam. You go grab Buck and carry on”

“Is that my punishment. It sounds like a punishment. There, we’re double the equal now Y/N. And tell you what, I’ll also let you tell Buck. Because he’ll want to join your little family. Your child already has a big brother” Sam said placing his hand on his heart,

“Leave,” you said a smile on your face as you pointed towards the door,

As soon as he left you turned to Steve who had the same smile on his face, “When did you find out?” He asked,

“A few weeks ago. I’ve been so nervous about it, but also felt so ill, but I’m getting better. I just want to get the appointment next week out the way so I can have a clearer head”

He nodded, “I’m just so happy” He whispered kissing you again, “You’ll have the beautiful pregnancy glow. I’ll be there the whole time for you, support you, make sure you’re not too bad. We’ve got this Y/N” Steve Said kissing your forehead,

You nodded at that and then hugged him, resting your head on his chest, “We’ve got this” You whispered back.

A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this xoxo 

[finderskeepersff]

68.

Waiting on the Skype call to connect, turning my head to Cartier. He is just using my arm to hold himself up “you jumping” he is still uneasy with standing but he is enjoying bouncing on the bed but he has a tight grip on my arm “woah!” I said as I laughed, he near fell back but he found it hilarious. His precious laugh “stop it” I pointed at him, he bought his head forward “give me kiss” poking my lips out to him “my fucking family!” Mia spat, looking over at the laptop “Mia! How is my girl, Mitch. I have not seen you in forever, how are you?” Mitch waved at the camera “I am ok, working hard. I have not seen you in so long and him. Look at Cartier, wow. I am getting old. He looks so grown” smiling at Cartier, he is so intrigued by the laptop screen “it’s auntie Mia and uncle Mitch” swiping my thumb under his chin, he is drooling “he is so handsome Sofia, look at him. Hey Cartier, I am so ready to see you again. We need to have some time together” Cartier let my arm go to fall back on the bed “there is your answer, Mitch you look well. I hope Mia ain’t running you to the ground. Her spoilt ass” Mia giggled “I would never, he just likes spoiling me. Girl bye, anyways Mitch. Ain’t you got work?” Mia looked behind her “I do but I wanted to say hi to Sofia, where is my invite to the home? I miss Cassius, where is he?” I huffed out “long story but I am sure Mia will fill you in, have a good day at work” Mitch pressed a kiss to Mia’ head “bye ladies” Mia rolled her eyes “I have had to put up with him in the morning complaining, he all calm now but anyways. How was Christmas for you? Did you have a good time?” nodding my head “it was so good, I had my first family Christmas. My own family, you know. It was good, I had Cassius brother and sister here, they are leaving today. But it went so smooth. Yourself?” for once it was all good “well, we split it between my parents and his, it was good. I think Mitch’ mom hates me lowkey, she called me loud. I think she was so angry at me having sex, and I was loud. Fuck her. Old bitch” eye balling Mia “he left” letting out an oh, Cartier is crawling closer and closer to the laptop screen “hey, get back here” dragging him back “sit on my lap” placing him in my lap and wrapping my arms around him.

Cartier is very intrigues by this whole Mia on the laptop thing “you really going to Barbados?” Mia doesn’t seem pleased that I am “yeah, it’s not really about my mom. I just want to see my family there. You know how happy I am every time I go there. You know it, so I want to go and this time with my son and Cassius. They all want to meet Cassius, my gran keeps on saying I want to see this man, I want to see Cartier. So it’s really not about my mom but she will be there, my mom is really different though. She keeps on asking if I am coming. And Cassius, I know he is reluctant in going. Either way if Cassius didn’t go with me, I would go but Mia. Don’t worry about me, Barbados is my home and I am so excited to go” Mia sighed out “if you happy then I am too, just your mom gives me bad vibes all of the time. Just keep in contact with me but then me and Mitch are planning to come down to you guys, Mitch really wants to see the boys, meaning Cassius and all them. Oh my god, I didn’t tell you what has happened with Kenton and Olivia, well bitch. They are together again, everything is normal. She came to me to see me and was like everything is fine, I am like y’all are so toxic. I think they get something out of cheating, I mean Amira near killed him but he is like it’s fine. Now they are both in love” shaking my head “it makes my relationship look so normal” I laughed, it is true.

Cartier hasn’t once moved from my lap, he is finding Mia so interesting “how is baby number 2 coming along? If you have another mini you then your genes are strong as fuck” Mia waved at Cartier, looking down at Cartier and he smiled “you like auntie Mia? She pretty as fuck ain’t she, I am glad you got good taste already but it’s going good. I need to go for my scan soon but then drama hit. Cassius has been in a holding cell for five days now, six days coming up” Mia gasped “why!?” she spat “well Cassius and his bad temper, I had heartburn. Very bad too, so I goes Cassius take me to get medication. This is after Christmas. So we was parking and this guy cut Cassius off, so they both just stopped their car, well Cassius being Cassius he got out of the car and did ask nicely but the guy did rile him up. Cassius beat him and then threatened him. By that time my heartburn disappeared, there was no heartburn” Mia snorted laughing “your baby about to have a good set of hair then but Cassius needs to relax so he is locked up?” nodding my head “his lawyer went there and they put him in a whole different holding cell across Atlanta, and then they keep on lying. His lawyer has seen him once and then it makes it worse we was supposed to go Canada today to bring in the new year but I guess it ain’t going to happen now. They won’t release him, they are saying he is a known criminal, he is running these new gangs, my car is on drug money and this home is. It’s not even about the guy anymore. They just want to lock him up because he is causing the issues but Lucas said they are doing it because on New Years they are going to raid all of the clubs and they are sure they can pin it on him, but bullshit thing is that Raphael is not opening any of the clubs. They going to be closed on the day, it’s a loss but it’s playing clever. So there is that mess” Mia just stared at the camera with her mouth open “wow, police hate Cassius don’t they” nodding my head “it worries me, I hate it. I think things have been a mess for a few months now” I sighed out “it’s Cassius though, he will be out. I know he will be sis” I chuckled.

Cartier has gone down for his afternoon nap, I better say bye to both Jasmine and Josiah. Putting his monitor on before I left so I can see from downstairs, Cartier sleeps well and I love it. He actually goes to sleep when needs be and sleeps a little later now, I feel he is naughty when his dad is around and I just know it. Making my way down the steps “look at you both all ready to go, had enough of me?” I chuckled saying “not that sis, just it’s going to be hectic at the airport. With it being New Years eve tomorrow so we need to go a little early” I cooed out “I am so thankful you both stayed a little longer for me. I do honestly appreciate it, you helped me with Cartier and you bought joy into Cassius’ heart” hugging Jasmine “no, thank you Sofia. He only listened to you, he is so hard headed” she ain’t wrong “so I do have that house now?” Josiah asked “well he said it didn’t he, are you going Cali first and then coming back?” I asked him “yeah, and then I can move here for good. I want to be close to Cassius. You know” he paused “I like to be with family, I kind of crave it” he is so sensitive “and Cassius knows that, well I guess I will see you all in the new year but thank for coming to see us and spend time with us” I enjoyed it with them.

Opening the front door, just when I thought I would be sat back and relaxing Ethan has come over. He has been ever so good, he has been coming to check on me every day so I guess this is another visit for me “late I know” he said, opening the door wider “it’s ok, Cartier is asleep still so you can’t annoy him. He does not like you for some reason” closing the door behind him “I think because he thinks I am some random man, he don’t like me near you” I think he is right “my son is going to be protective of me I guess” Ethan nodded his head “so the clubs will be shut tomorrow, no production or anything. Pretty big blow for us, I also pulled a few strings. Got Kalia involved with this shit, tracked Cassius down again and Lucas has gone there to get him. They are hiding him, the police are being under hand with this, it’s so fucking bad Sofia. They are playing a game which I don’t like because I can’t do anything, I got that guy to deny everything and take it back but that is not enough so we will try this. Hopefully it works out” I smiled at Ethan “I am scared I am going to lose him you know, I am scared that there will be a point where he can’t get out, makes me sad” I know I will lose him one day because someone is always trying to take him away from me and I can’t stop it, I get scared.

Looking behind me as I walked towards the kitchen, Cartier is following him. He crawls so damn fast, he won’t let me pick him but he will crawl around following me which is odd. I stopped walking and he noticed I did and stopped crawling, he looked up and smiled as he propped himself up on his knees “you are trouble, stop it. You refuse to let me pick you by doing this” Cartier frowned at me and then started babbling “sure, hurry up so I can lock you in the high chair” continuing my walk to the kitchen, his hard headed self going to tire himself out but let him. Quickly turning the corner and hiding behind a wall, Cartier didn’t stop crawling at all, full steam ahead for him but then stopped noticing I am not around, I wonder what he will do to be honest. I know he won’t cry but what will he actually do, will he turn around or just come here. Peaking my head around the corner, he is crawling ever so slowly now but being careful. I was going to scare him but I don’t want to hurt himself on this marble flooring “Cartier” I said his name, he stopped crawling and sat up “Cartier, baby” walking from around the corner “da” he said, side eyeing him “mama, no dada business now” Cartier smiled at me “come on, you keep playing around, mommy don’t have the time” picking him up from the floor.

I sighed out as I lightly stroked Cartier’ cheek, least I know Cartier still wants cuddles from me while he drinks his milk. I did think now he holds his own bottle he won’t want me to do that but he wants cuddles still which makes me so happy, it warms my heart. I got nothing to do but go to sleep I guess once he goes to sleep, I think I am going to have him in bed with me, I got no Cassius and he doesn’t even call. Looking up at the TV, you can’t go wrong with a little Desperate Housewives, grabbing the remote and putting the volume up a little. Hearing the door downstairs bang shut, my eyes diverted to the bedroom door “ok, that is weird” I said to myself, shuffling off of the bed with Cartier “give me your bottle baby” taking it from him and putting it on the side “I don’t want to leave him on the bed, he will fall off the bed and I don’t want that” I know for a fact I locked the whole house up, it has got to be Cassius. Fixing Cartier on my hip, making my way to the bedroom door. I was about to open it but the door knob moved itself, I stepped back and I am hoping it is him because none of the security systems were tripped. The door pushed open “god!” I breathed out “Cassius” placing my hand over my mouth “I’m here” Cassius just fell onto me and held me “you’re back” wrapping my arm around his neck “my baby is back” I sobbed out “god, you’re here” squeezing my arm around his neck tighter.

Cassius pecked my lips “you need to shave” grabbing his face “I am so happy to see you back, honestly. To see you back” letting his face go “it’s the boy, I missed you so much. Dada boy” Cartier is staring at Cassius so foreign, I think he is thinking where did he go “it’s daddy baby, just a little stank but it’s daddy” Cartier turned his face away “Cartier, you my nigga. Don’t do me like that” Cartier is not going to listen “he is playing up Cassius, you left him and he is upset with you Cassius. He will get over it, stop being so mean to my man” Cartier will not even look at him “go and have a shower, we can talk after” looking over at Cassius “I am upset that he don’t love me” Cassius looks so upset with him “but he does, he is just sad with you. You went away from us and we missed you, stop it the both of you. Go and clean yourself up, I want you to hold me. I am just so happy you are back out, thank the gods” he needs to wash that mess from him.

I guess Cartier will be in his own crib tonight, I mean I am happy about that because I want my man with me in bed. I hope Cartier sleeps well tonight, I am so fucking happy. Like I am giddy about this, he is back home and I didn’t think he would come out just because they was going out of their way to keep him. Closing the bedroom door, the water is off in the bathroom so he is done “Sofia?” Cassius walked out of the bathroom, my smile grew to just see him in his towel “yes?” smiling at him wide “I am sorry about Canada, my lawyer said for me not to go. With everything that went on it will look like I am running, but it don’t mean I can’t go anywhere but it’s so recent. So I can’t go, I came back quickly to go but he said to not do it” I shrugged “I don’t care, you’re here with me. I am happy with that, you look like you lost weight but also tomorrow you need to shave that, not your hair. I will murder you if you shave your head bald, just shape up. You want food, I will make you something. They look like they treated you horrible” if he goes bald I will kill him “it’s late, I am ok” he shrugged “it’s not late Cassius, I will make you something. You better come down and eat ok?” Cassius smiled “I have had the worst experience of my life, they literally bullied me in there and I couldn’t do shit, what can I do? I had to take it, they didn’t feed me on purpose, took me to places without me knowing, no contact, that guy that let you see me, he got in trouble. He told me, that Eddie said I was making friends and needed to be moved, I was a threat so they moved me. Lucas came, they started throwing him off with other things. Lucas was like end any party happening” my poor baby “baby it’s ok now, you home. You just need to be more careful, the law don’t like you” I am annoyed with him also, he didn’t need to lash out.

Placing the plate on the table “see, I was quick. It’s just chicken and pasta, it was quickly done. I want you to eat” pulling the chair out, I am going to sit and watch him eat “Kalia came in handy, I know you hate hearing her name. She helped me out with this, she is higher than them, they had no choice but to release me when Lucas came. She put herself out there” nodding my head “well you are keeping her son alive, you got shit on her too. Cassius this whole thing happened because you was being stupid, things so small like that don’t need to happen not when you’re wanted anyways. They look for things like that, I want you to be more clever with things. I don’t want to lose you, not for stupidity Cassius I don’t. Don’t ever let me lose you like that again, I love you too much. Cartier was also hurt, he missed you so much. He was so clingy the first night you was gone and was crying, he felt it too. I want you to understand that we could have lost you” Cassius nodded his head “I know, I won’t do that again. Trust me” placing my hand over his hand “I don’t deserve you, when you came to the cell it hurt me. I don’t want that for you, trust me. I am so blessed to be back home with you, I have a purpose. I love you” Cassius said “I know” I breathed out “you mean the world to me Cassius, trust me” I am so happy he is home.