#Also man-tits yada yada

[triple-pupil]

Batbondage

[afterthedescent]

Kallan probably isn't doing so hot & end of Act 2 spoilers below the cut

I think a bit of background is needed before I dive into my thoughts on the end of Act 2.

In my Descent Into Avernus game, Kallan's soul was put into Teya's body after she died by Bane, so that she could become his Avatar/Chosen/whatever you want to call it. She has no memory of her life before waking up in Teya's body, nor does she have any idea why her soul was put there or by whom (or for what purpose). Soon after she came-to, a cleric of Ilmater (Samael and Tex took her to a temple of Ilmater because that was who Teya worshipped) told her that she was someone else inhabiting a body that did not belong to her. She also told her that she had heard of the gods claiming bodies and souls of those that have passed as avatars.

IMPORTANT TO NOTE that we/my DM obviously had no idea about the plot of BG3.

So she knows she doesn't belong in Teya's body, and she knows that divine intervention is likely the culprit. She also, because of some other things that happened, knows/highly suspects that it's not a good god behind all of this.

Before the final fight against Zariel, Desruc (a DMPC from a different campaign that briefly joined us) told Kallan that he could tell her some stuff, but that it had to wait until they got back to Elturel and she helped him with something (tit for tat and alladat). Well...Desruc wound up getting Banished in that fight, so...

All that to say that Kallan has very vague ideas about her whole deal.

She also has not shared that with the BG3 group - partially because there's been so much else going on, kinda because she hasn't heard any voices since she was resurrected in Tiamat's tower so it hasn't really been at the forefront of her mind, but also because telling them she stole Teya's body AND she hears creepy voices didn't seem like the best idea before, and now more time has passed so it's like...well shit, how do I tell them now?

So yeah, she's kept that card close to her chest.

But it all comes out during the fight with Myrkul. He sees Kallan, and since the Dead Three are working in tandem, he knows who she is - maybe even recognizes Bane's influence (however fleeting now) over her. He makes some comment about it being ironic that it's her facing him, she who was chosen by Bane, himself, and plucked from Avernus... This, of course, earns her looks from everyone with her (probably especially Aylin). He then goes on to say that it should have been her in Gortash's place and Descruc in Ketheric's, that she and Desruc would not have failed in their duty and ushered the Coast into a new era...

Fight ensues, we win, yada yada. They get yeeted back into Moonrise, where everyone (companions, NPCs, etc.) are waiting for them.

Shortly talking to a few people, Kallan tries to walk away, into an adjacent room. She can hear a dark voice in her head, followed by searing pain. She cries out and drops to her knees. I think Big Brother Wyll clocks it and rushes over to catch her, which draws others' attention. He puts his hands on her shoulders and straightens her out...eyes widening when he sees the imprint of a black hand stretching across her face. It's fleeting, but a few others see it as well before it fades.

"She needs rest," Halsin says from over Wyll's shoulder. For as long of a man as he is, how does he move about so silently? He wears a grim look. "Remnants of the shadow curse are trying to purge from her body." He scoops her up in his arms, earning himself a sharp look from Astarion, and takes her to a more secluded part of the tower, where the group has set up camp in her absence. By the time that he lays her in her tent, she's passed out. Astarion settles in just outside, to watch over her.

Sleep claims her for awhile, but it's not restful. Nightmares plague her, and she thrashes and cries out in her sleep. Astarion slips into her tent and tries to wake her. She screams as she comes to, and after a moment of tense panic, the two calm down. "I need air," she said, feeling claustrophobic all of a sudden, so they go out onto a balcony. Astarion doesn't press her to talk, so the silence stretches on for awhile. Finally, she unloads it all - what the cleric said, the voices she's heard, the late-night visitor that attacked her at the Calcabrina estate, the game of poker she played with another entity (Bane?) beneath Tymora's temple, what Myrkul said...all of it. Her voice is hoarse by the end, and she's exhausted.

I'll reblog and add more later once I ruminate on how the rest of that plays out. I'm thinking some soft Astarion stuff happens maybe.

[industrialbirddog]

Im currently working on some writing projects, so imma give a quick yap session. No spoilers tho, so i gotta be reeeeaaaaallllllllllllllllllllll vague about it.

CORRUPTION

We got a three pov story, told by shark/odin, grey, and jeremy/cerberus.

Its gonna be a horror story.

Since im gonna draw/publish their character sheets anyway I will be telling you all the characters.

We've got Shark/Odin, a 19 yr old non-binary kid, who uses angel/angelself pronouns. I wanna make give angel a weirdcore/emo style.

We've got Grey, an 19 yr old man, who uses he/him pronouns. I wanna give him a more distinguished, fancy fuck look. suit wearer. always styled, his hair looks clean & nice.

We've got Jeremy/Cerberus, a 20 year old agender male, who uses he/him/pups/pupself pronouns. I wanna give this guy a lazy fucker look. He doesnt wear shirts cause he doesnt feel like changing, or is always in sweats and a hoodie type look. never styles his hair, yada yada

We've got Aiden, 18 year old man, who uses He/him pronouns. Im not actually sure what type of style i wanna give, i think maybe a cowboy-ish style? nothing set in stone

We've got dollie, a 19 year old woman, who uses she/they pronouns. Im also not sure of theyre style, probably going to go with a veeerrryy modest style. not sure

We've got freddy, 47 year old man, who uses he/him pronouns. Father off odin, he will be a dad bod haver and very lazy clothes. hes a busy man hes got no time for style!!! single father, demanding job.

POWERHOUSE

A two pov story, guys fight ig man idk?? told by Aztral and Oscar.

In this world they have powers, so ill yap abt those too.

Aztral, an agender alien whos 25 in human years, uses it/its pronouns. My ideal style for this character is a twisted version of inumaki from jjk, but with more foraging stuff. Hes an alien scout, but a specific scout guy who collects plants to be analyzed. His powers include: increased strength, ability to jump higher, can breath out toxic gas/is immune to toxic gasses.

Oscar, a 20 year old deadgender human, uses he/him pronouns. My ideal style for this guy is like- pardon my language but HES A WHORE!!! No shirt like ever, if it is its a workout friendly one because hes a super buff bitch. His powers include shape shifting [because fuck you, my humans do what they want.] and dimensional storage. THIS FUCK FACE CAN STORE THINGS IN HIS TITS. because i said so, pretty boy gotta love him.

Commander Syx [ pronounced six ] some odd aged agender alien commander, uses xe/xem/xyr/xemself pronouns. Just gonna be wearing a uniform. dunno what yet L

Zerum [ ZZ-ear-uhm ] a 23 year old agender male human, who uses He/him/blood/bloodself/it/its pronouns. I'm not sure what i wanna do for him, but hes def father figure type. So im thinking either super lazy guy or another suit wearer like grey. Bloods powers include Healer, can make ppl sleep [ related to being put under for operation ], calming effect on all nearby.

Boa, a 20 year old woman hawk-human hybird, who uses she/her pronouns. A leader, and fucking RIPPED. Very strong lady, body builder type. I imagine her either just like oscar, or gothic woman. Has big pet snake. Her powers include  Talk to animal, strength, Flight

Rowan, a 27 year old male human, who uses he/him/it/its pronouns. LAZY FUCKIN MAN!!! also ginger, because hes rowan. Like, always so sleepy could fall asleep standing. Its powers are Emotion manipulation [ works through eye-contanct ], speed. My imagined style for something is similiar but not the same to that one super fucking lazy guy from seven deadly sins.

Cosmo, a some odd aged agender alien, who uses it/its/they/them pronouns. An alien scout who instead collects animals. Carries vials/ contantment stuff for small animals, and a lasso for big ones. GLOVES ARE A NEED!!! Powers are Same toxic gas/immunity to toxic gas/speed

Nebula is a some odd aged agender alien, who uses it/its/star/starself pronouns. An alien scout who instead studies cultlures. Carries books/writing stuff, and a universal translator. Powers are  Same toxic gas/toxic gas immunity/strength.

ANCIENT

A two pov story told be Ezekiel and marcus

I just started working on this today, i can thank a random tumblr post i saw on tiktok. It was a thing where every language sounds like english to you and when you speak to someone it sounds like their native language & this random fuck gets mad at you for speaking the ancient language.

This is different tho, and i cant yap AT ALL about the plot in any way or its SPOILERS!!! you are left to your imagination. But since i only started working on it today i have got only two characters which are the main ones.

Ezekiel, a man who uses he/him pronouns. I havent thought ANYTHING into his style, but hes a modest guy def. Not like, hellishly modest, but he is always covered. Long sleeve turtle necks and pants, he strikes me as the type to only wear cargo pants [ im projecting ]

Marcus, a genderclock person who uses it/its/skull/skullself. Also havent thought much into this guy, im thinking modest on another level and turned it into big style [ biased opinion there, in love with the style im abt to attempt to described ] he is always super covered, think muriel from the arcana but with a shirt. Cape, harness, also a turtle neck, cargo shorts, hood that covers his head, mask wearer type. like he is HIDDEN, fingerless gloves tho. I hate finger-having gloves so much i refuse to write them.

Anyway! thats all my projects im on rn. If you read all this yapping i appreciate it.

[hermitcraft-8]

ok casey jones is one of two major human characters in teenage meenage neenage teenage, the other being april o'neil. every version of casey is a little different, every version of casey is a little bit the same.

every casey is a hockey obsessed bisexual legend with adhd and anger issues, who is secretly a vigilante and wears a hockey mask.

the original mirage casey i don't know shit about because i haven't read those. don't ask me shit about the original comics i will either lie to you or google the answer. moving on.

the 1987 casey jones, though, is an absolute icon. he is massive and angry and his entire thing is he goes around and punishes evil doers. so like. petty criminals. i love him so much. his tits are massive and he wears this silly little crop top everywhere. love him

90s casey is my favorite because holy fuck he's actually so hot. im serious im like. kicking my feet n giggling and shit. god. idk if he has a backstory but idrc. it's important to state that he's actually more of a himbo than 87 casey. somehow. he's the first casey to have a romantic subplot with april, and im going to be honest? im obsessed with their dynamic in these movies. it's so good.

2003 casey is also pretty cool. he has a backstory, it's a very complicated one, where he was bullied as a kid, and his dad's store was looted, and yada yada yada. all you need to know is that that man does not shower and also. i think he's a little bit bisexual.

2012 casey is unlike most of the others for two reasons: one, he's very skinny. two, he's only sixteen, while everyone before that was 28 or so. also he's less of a himbo and more of a dumb jock. love him. but god is he annoying. he has a crush on april but that doesn't go anywhere.

bayverse casey is a cop. and not even like a "good cop" he is like explicitly violent and cruel. i fucking hate bayverse casey i want every other casey to take turns kicking the shit out of him.

rise cassandra is. admittedly my second least favorite after copsey jones. she's not revealed to be a casey jones until the last episode, and even then, it's kind of rushed. and then they throw her away in the movie. idk if she had more screentime i think id like her more.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST. CASEY JONES FROM THE RISE OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES MOVIE. that boy is not a fucking casey jones. yeah, his NAME is casey. but he's a casey JR. which is a whole other character, from the last ronin series. literally everything about him mirrors the last ronin storyline. HE IS NOT A FUCKING CASEY JONES. thank you.

hi friend :~D

hellooo

[imanes]

well nobody asked me my thoughts about the green knight but i’ll share anyways: some good moments that made the movie worth it but some moments that should’ve stayed in the poem bc they don’t translate well on screen for a continuous cinematic experience (and the director calling it an interlude doesn’t change the fact that it hindered the experience), everybody wanted to touch the cheek of dev patel, overdrawn metaphors, we get it what is the difference between a good man and a great man yada yada yada, the fox was cute, they need to stop aging actors with cgi bc they end up looking like sims, i never want to see a cumshot on a big screen with that many ppl around me ever again. i also never want to see a movie where i can see the layers of dirt and grime on someone’s teeth ever again. it was definitely a style over substance type of movie. it almost looks like if u don’t call it a Film™ the director will physically manifest in your house to fight you with ululating tits-out giants

[captainwaltons]

Okay so- wierd question but...

Did female sailors during the age of sail, etc, bind themselves when trying to appear like a man?

Because I know the obvious answer is duhh!! But also a common trope in sea shanties or stories about female sailors is that “the wind blew off the buttons of their shirt and there appeared their breasts.. yada yada” (which also most likely was impacted by many sailors fantasy of there being a woman on board..) and so if they were bound and their shirt came undone their tits wouldn’t just like- be in full view.

Also another thing I recall is female pirates would often show their breasts to the men they were about to kill to tell them they would in fact be killed by- a woman! Buttttt..

All I can thing of is how uncomfortable that would be. If you’re gonna be swashbuckling enemies and doing all this stuff running around and such, you probably want some support!

DID FEMALE PIRATES WEAR SPORTS BRAS?!!!

[medea10]

My Review of Konosuba

(Short for: KonoSuba - God's Blessing on This Wonderful World)

How did I get into this anime? As you all know, I’m being an absolute lazy-ass when it comes to Isekai animes and have only gotten into the recent hits as of 2019. I already finished the suffer edition and the struggle edition. Let’s check out the light-hearted, wonk-fest! But before that…

Let’s go back to the mid-1990s and rewatch the first episode of Yu Yu Hakusho. We all remember Yusuke Urameshi sacrificing his life in order to save a child about to be hit by a truck followed by being told that the child would have survived regardless if Yusuke interfered or not. So dude just wasted his fucking life for nothing! Let’s amp this trope up to 483 with the way our main lead in Konosuba dies. Kazuma Satou was on his way back home from purchasing a video game when he noticed a girl about to be hit by a car. He pushes her out of the way and yada, yada, yada he’s dead!

He is now in a limbo setting, standing before a goddess named Aqua who tells Kazuma that his death was absolutely meaningless. Not only would the girl have survived, it wasn’t even a car, it was a slow-moving tractor. And Kazuma didn’t get hit by the tractor, he suffered a heart attack due to shock, followed by pissing his pants, followed by doctors, family, and relations laughing at Kazuma’s humiliating experience. And then he dies!

Aqua tells Kazuma that he has two options. He can either go to Heaven or be transported to a fantasy world (much like a game) and try to defeat a demon king. Choosing the fantasy world, Kazuma is given the opportunity to take an item with him on his travels. Now at this point, Kazuma has been annoyed by this goddess’s attitude towards him and decides to be a dick. So Kazuma chooses Aqua to be with him on his journey. Sucks for Kazuma however, because Aqua is useless! And unlike the video games Kazuma’s used to, he and Aqua must do manual labor and pay off expenses in the first town. So they might be there for a while.

Kazuma ends up with two more members in his crew including a witch named Megumin that uses explosive magic and a masochistic crusader named Lalatina Dustiness Ford (or Darkness for short). But don’t get too excited! Megumin’s magic can only be used once a day, wiping away her energy. And while Darkness has a mean sword, she misses every time with it. So yeah, this is a rag-tag team of useless dopes. Let’s watch the wacky misadventures of Kazuma, Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness as they go on missions, drink until they puke, explode castles, and steal underwear.

Yes, Kazuma occasionally does this.

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: Crunchyroll has been able to bless the masses with an English dub. Can’t let FUNimation have all the Isekai hits. So far it’s been alright and I’m hearing more Erica Mendez and Cristina Vee. All good things here! Plus it gives me a chance to hear the voices of Kazuma, whom up to this point I have minimal time listening to either person who plays him. And annoying as Aqua may be, Faye Mata does a really good job with that range Sora Amamiya set in the original. Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Kazuma is played by Jun Fukushima (known for Naruko on Yowamushi Pedal and Makoto on Fruits Basket 2019)

*Aqua is played by Sora Amamiya (known for Touka on Tokyo Ghoul, Chizuru on Rent A Girlfriend, Miia on Monster Musume, Yachiyo on Magia Record, Akame on Akame ga Kill, and Elizabeth on Seven Deadly Sins)

*Megumin is played by Rie Takahashi (known for Emilia on Re:Zero)

*Darkness is played by Ai Kayano (known for Alice on SAO: Alicization, Menma on Anohana, Nana on Golden Time, Ryouko on Food Wars, Itsuwa on Index, Yukika on My Love Story, and Mayaka on Hyouka)

ENGLISH CAST: *Kazuma is played by Arnie Pantoja (known for Watchdog-Man on One Punch Man and Kanbarry on Re:Zero)

*Aqua is played by Faye Mata (known for Rin on Love Live, Aluminum Siren on Sailor Moon Stars, Yukako on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Pt. 4, Frederica on Re:Zero, and a bitch on Shield Hero)

*Megumin is played by Erica Mendez (known for Ryuko on Kill la Kill, Haruka/Sailor Uranus on Sailor Moon S [redub], Raphtalia on Shield Hero, Retsuko on Aggretsuko, Nico on Love Live, and Emma on The Promised Neverland)

*Darkness is played by Cristina Vee (known for Homura on Madoka Magica, Rei/Sailor Mars on Sailor Moon, Mio on K-ON, Sakura on Fate/Stay Night UBW, Kotori on Love Live, and Kanaria on Rozen Maiden: Traumend)

FAVORITE CHARACTER: Darkness is best girl, don’t at me!

SHIPPING (sorta): Can we just all agree that Darkness is just a sober version of Cheryl from Archer?

Whoever ends up with her will end up choking her either because she tells you to or she annoys you with her masochistic nature! I seriously do not know how you want me to turn this shipping discussion into anything other than a comment about a bitch getting choked.

ENDING TO SEASON ONE: Kazuma has been able to get a little good luck in his other world as he was finally able to move out of the stables and into a house with the rest of his crew. Although, it didn’t come easy! Then again, what has in this series? In the final episode of the first season, all of the adventures of the town were called to take on a scary foe. Up to this point, we’ve seen these guys take out mutant cabbages and an idiot dullahan. Today we’ve got…

A giant, mechanical spider!

Why do the stupidest stories always rely on a giant, mechanical spider? Kazuma and the rest were able to stop the spider from moving. However, this monstrosity is set to explode and the impact could take out the entire town. Darkness wants to repay the town for all it has done for her and her family. The adventurer men want to repay the town because of all the succubus taverns they love. And Kazuma just wants to continue his journey so he can take out the demon king. Now, because Megumin already used her explosion magic for the day, she’s down for the count. But she was able to do it a second time thanks to Kazuma transferring some magic from Aqua through his spell and with a little help from Wiz. The day is saved, Kazuma and his crew got a hefty reward, and then Kazuma is immediately charged with treason for sending the evidence to a higher up and it exploded.

Believe it or not, but a lot of these quests end with a giant middle finger to them. Almost like Curb Your Enthusiasm!

EPISODE 11: The special episode that followed came with some more misfortune for Kazuma. A trip to Wiz’s shop ends with a choker around Kazuma’s neck that’s going to strangle him in three days if his wish doesn’t come true. So to figure out what Kazuma’s wish is, Kazuma has all of these girls fulfill his greatest desires in the hopes of one of these humiliating tasks will release Kazuma from the choker.

As you can guess, because this is an OVA, it will be filled to the brim with degeneracy compared to the television series. Fuck yeah it was! Kazuma used this opportunity to use Wiz’s tits as comfy pillows, have Megumin play “Strip Rock/Paper/Scissors” with Yunyun, have Aqua fetch him food, and watch Darkness jiggle her breasts. Even when he thought he was at death’s door, he uses this special time to tell each girl with him at this dramatic moment that they are nothing more than tits and ass. All except for Aqua! No love for her. Not even a pity erection! So when the spell on the choker was released due to a simple wish, Kazuma was then killed by Aqua and quite possibly everyone else and Kazuma was sent back to the goddess chamber as he learned a powerful lesson.

Don’t ever do that again!

Damn…Kazuma died 3 times so far in 11 episodes. Subaru got you beat by a country mile. He’s probably looking at you like, “You damn, lucky dumbass. I got frozen, shanked, stabbed, sliced, maced, and eaten by bunnies”.

SEASON TWO: As I mentioned at the end of season one, Kazuma is charged with treason and usually that comes with a death sentence. Unfortunately for Kazuma, his unintentional crime was against this big, fat, smelly noble who has many higher-ups wrapped around his finger. The townspeople can’t really help him out otherwise they’d risk being charged as well. And you have a prosecutor wanting Kazuma’s head on a pike not only for the major charge, but for being a pervert. The writing is on the wall, Kazuma is screwed. However, thanks to Darkness (and her family lineage) she was able to take one for the team by saving Kazuma (for now) and have that big, fat, smelly noble do God knows what to her. Also, the kingdom repossessed a lot of things from Kazuma’s crew.

So they’re worse than “square one” at this point. They’re at “square -57” with how much debt they’ve all accumulated.

ENDING TO SEASON TWO: Things are starting to look up for Kazuma and his crew. They were able to abolish their debt, got the treason charges lifted, and they were able to gain back some respect around the village. So what better way to celebrate then to go on a bit of vacation. The gang decided to head off to another town for some rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, the town they spent their time off at is full of religious wackos. And what I mean by religious wackos, I mean WORSE than Jehova Witnesses, Evangelical Christians, and the Heaven’s Gate cult all rolled into one.

…Okay, I’m obviously embellishing here. I just really fucking hate all of those ones I just mentioned. This cult is so fucking annoying! At every turn they’re trying to convert Kazuma, Megumin, and Darkness into their fold.

Oh wait, it gets better! This cult worships the goddess Aqua! And of course our favorite idiot Aqua was using this to her advantage. That is until a priest didn’t believe her, starting a chain reaction with the townsidiots all leading up to them chasing Kazuma and crew out with pitchforks and fire. Apparently, Aqua did a big no-no by purifying the hot spring water and now it’s just regular water.

Unfortunately at that same time, a general to the dark lord was in area poisoning all of the water in this town. Yeah, this guy is serious trouble since he’s on a higher level than Wiz (back when she was working under the demon king). But he’s a slime and works with poison. In this world, Kazuma doesn’t stand a chance. Surprisingly, this battle went well (albeit Kazuma dying inside the slime), but we got to see Aqua at her baddest of ass. Now you’d think the town would be grateful to Kazuma and his team for ridding them of a demon king general. Hahaha, never trust religious nutjobs! They still found fault with Aqua purifying their hot springs and they were thrown out.

In the 11th episode (or second side-story), Kazuma thought he was meeting a new fan in town. So he regales her with tales of his expoditions to woo her. Turns out the girl is a new member of the local tavern and one of her jobs is to listen to useless adventurers to boost their morale. And this girl was totally not digging Kazuma. I think this hurt Kazuma more than all the times he’s died in this series.

MOVIE: We head off to the land where Megumin and Yunyun were born and raised. While there was some miscommunication into if the town and their families were in trouble to begin with, trouble sure found Kazuma and the gang once they arrived. Another general of the demon king ends up causing quite a stir in the town. Sylvia was extra hard to take down in this story. Just when you thought she was dead, she returns from death’s door and brings the poison slime from season two and the dullahan from season one to wreck havoc all across the land. Luckily, Kazuma, his crew, Wiz, Yunyun, and the rest of the townspeople were able to put an end to Sylvia and her cohorts.

But man, Kazuma got some really shitty deals in this movie. His trashy and perverted reputation isn’t any better. Megumin’s father wanted to kill him. Megumin’s mother locked Kazuma and Megumin in a room together in hopes of doing the nasty, was messed with by a chimera of two genders, and was killed in a gruesome way that even the angels had to throw up when they saw the state of Kazuma.

On a positive note, Megumin seemed to have grown a little with this adventure as she was even thinking of putting her explosive magic on hold and give a whirl at other options. But she still gave a giant explosion that’s worth 120 points.

Konosuba was amusing. Definitely worth a few chuckles! I know it won’t be for everyone as comedy in anime can often be hit-or-miss. But the combination of characters with many quirks, the animation, the setting, the tasks, and misunderstandings, you’ve got yourself an anime version of Curb Your Enthusiasm. So…yeah, not for everyone, hit-or-miss! But in the big five isekai animes, this one is a little more light compared to some of the others. Overlord can get quite gory. Shield Hero will anger any sane person to a point of madness. And Re:Zero is just a misery blanket! Konosuba is that light-hearted comedy where sometimes the main protagonist dies horrificly in battle, but will return like Kenny from South Park. So if Shield Hero and Re:Zero depress you, maybe you might need a break with the silly, zany antics of Kazuma’s crew in Konosuba.

Results may vary on your views of Aqua.

If you would like to watch Konosuba, the entire series is available on Crunchyroll. That’s the first season, second season, both OVA’s, and the movie in several different languages!

Okay, let’s pick our next Netflix, Crunchyroll, or Amazon exclusive!

Alright! An anime like Black Lagoon if it involved gay boys! Banana Fish time.

[jeontaeh]

FOURTEEN¹⁴

Taehyung was what? A stupid bitch.

Let's set it this way- Jungkook went 18 years of his life thinking he's straight. So is he gong to get defensive and angry when a person makes him feel inferior? Duh.

Not only that, Jungkook went 1 and a half weeks of his life thinking he might just be a little gay. But Sayo-fucking-nara bitches, Jungkook's figured that's just bullshit he contorted in his brain. He's not bisexual, nor gay. He's simply.. horny.

Point being, Jungkook's convinced himself he never really liked Taehyung and never will. Why? Because he's a stupid bitch. And so, so fucking mean. He doesn't want to be friends with Jungkook? Well fuck him! Jungkook doesn't need his goddamn approval.

(This anger was all a way to subdue how upset he was by Taehyung's words.)

"Taehyung," Jungkook called, rushing up to the older boy, who was talking to Jimin. "Do you think I look pretty?"

Taehyung blinked for a few seconds, seeing Jungkook dressed in a big sweater and tight jeans, and then chuckled. "Yeah Kook, you look good."

"Good? N-not pretty?" Jungkook asked with a pout, talking like a girl from an anime who would have big tits. Jungkook has metaphorical big tits.

"Of course you're pretty," Taehyung reassured, and Jungkook stepped close to him, playing with his fingers. "Just pretty?" Jungkook squeaked, looking at him shyly.

Taehyung blushed. "Gorgeous, really."

Jungkook giggled, and then kissed Taehyung on the cheek and then rushed off. When Jungkook left, Taehyung melted a little, biting his lip and looking at where Jungkook left off fondly.

Jimin looked at Taehyung with wide eyes. "You fucking drugged him-"

"I did no such thing, Park Jimin. He's just acting weird." Taehyung said, and Jimin gasped. "Is this because he swallowed your white chocolate cum?"

"Shut the fuck up, Jimin. God, why do I tell you things?" Taehyung groaned to himself, and Jimin kicked his foot. "Is it, though?"

"No. Plus, I think that's bullshit. I mean, it's such a weird phenomenon! You cum down someone's throat, and if it tastes sweet, it means you're their-"

"Yeah it sounds like bullshit. Don't say it again, freaked me out the first time." Jimin shuddered, and Taehyung sighed.

He looked at how Jungkook was in the control room now, talking to Namjoon. "He's cute, isn't he? God, the way he's acting is driving me crazy.. I don't know why it is.. maybe he just feels comfortable around us now to act his true way." Taehyung said softly, and Jimin looked at him.

"You're crushing on him, aren't you?" Jimin gasped, and Taehyung kicked him. "Shut up. By the way, he said he like likes me."

Jimin gasped harder. "What?? And you didn't tell me. Me?? You tell me everything, Kim Taehyung. Every single goddamn thing. The devil works hard but me, Park Jimin, works harder. So next time there's tea I'll be the first one to take the pinkity drinkity sip of that fucking-"

"I didn't understand a single word that just came out of your mouth."

"Me neither. Also, what? He likes you?" Jimin asked, and Taehyung shrugged. "I guess.. I don't know, okay? I'm not crushing on him. He's just.. kinda my type. Right now."

"Your type is boys with bright coloured hair being cute and dumb as shit?? I'm right here-" Jimin said, and Taehyung slapped his arm, and Jimin giggled.

"You're not totally off, though. I'm just.. kinda into boys who are soft, you know? Shy guys who giggle and have sweater paws. That shit makes me bust a nut." Taehyung said, and Jimin grimaced, but then let out a small aw.

"That's.. kinda cute actually, damn." Jimin said, and then the control room door opened, and the boys walked out.

"Let's go lesbians. We have a fun day trip at this planet for sightseeing! Tourism!" Namjoon said, and everyone cheered.

"C'mon, let's get off. This planet has aliens with completely white skin, pink lips, blue eyes, yada yada. Who cares." Jin said, as they climbed down the steps of the spaceship which closed on its own.

They stepped onto the platform, and saw some more ships and people there, probably also here for a day trip.

"Okay, since all 7 of us can't walk around without looking like idiots, let's split up! Jin and Jimin and I will go together, because we're really hungry." Namjoon said, and Jin and Jimin grinned.

"I'll go with Hobi." Yoongi said, and Hoseok patted Yoongi's lower back, smiling as well.

"Taehyungie wanna go together?" Jungkook asked, and Taehyung looked at the younger with a small smile. "Sure, Cherry." Taehyung said, and his breath hitched when Jungkook wrapped their fingers together.

"Great. We meet back here in two hours, okay? Stay with each other, because our tablets aren't working here, so if we get lost, it'll be bad." Namjoon reminded, and everyone nodded, and then they split up.

✭

Jungkook and Taehyung giggled, hitting little stuffed teddybears down with a small plastic ray gun which shoot out metal balls. They found themselves in some kind of carnival, and were playing around at the stalls.

"Fuckin' hell, I can't get that one bear down-" Taehyung groaned, and Jungkook laughed.

"Loser! I got all mine down-" Jungkook retorted, and Taehyung turned and hit Jungkook with a metal ball, causing Jungkook to gasp and both of them to start laughing.

"Here." The alien man at the stall said, giving them a weird stuffed toy which was probably some animal from their planet. It looked like a mug.

"Do you want it?" Taehyung asked, holding the stuffed mug in their hands. "Nope." Jungkook said, and they both began giggling again, and just keep walking.

Jungkook.. was actually kind of having fun. No, stop, Taehyung's mean and doesn't deserve this. Stick to your plan. Jungkook grabbed Taehyung's hand.

"Let's go into the maze-" Jungkook said, and Taehyung looked up at what Jungkook was pointing at. It was a big room with a door in front of it, with a label above it.

"Love Maze?" Taehyung read, and saw Jungkook bite his lip shyly. "Yeah? Sounds cute, no?"

"I guess it does. Sure, let's go." Taehyung said, and then dragged Jungkook to the place. They walked into the maze, and Jungkook gasped.

"Oh it's so cool~" He said, mouth wide, Taehyung agreeing. There were many mirrors, low lighting, hearts dangling from the ceiling.

"Oh god, do we go this way, or that way?" Jungkook asked, and then looked into the mirror hallway. "This one looks like a dead-end.."

Suddenly, Taehyung pulled the younger into that room. Jungkook's eyes widened, and Taehyung pinned him against one of the mirrors. "This one's good for now." Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook blushed a little.

Taehyung leaned forward, and then pressed their lips together. Jungkook threw his hands over Taehyung's shoulders, letting Taehyung dominate the kiss like he did earlier to make it seem like he had the control. Nope.

Taehyung pulled away, and then looked at Jungkook. "I'm so, so sorry for the stuff I said earlier, Kookie. I didn't mean it, not one bit. I didn't.. really get any sleep. I acted dumb. I-I feel really bad.. you don't deserve any of that."

Jungkook hummed, tapping Taehyung's cheek. "Don't worry about it, Tae. I know you didn't mean it."

Taehyung smiled a little, and then leaned forward to kiss him again. "I know you say earlier that you kind of liked me, a-and I'm glad you did, because- I-I guess.. I wouldn't mind us being more than hook-up-buddies either." Taehyung whispered, and Jungkook blinked.

"....Really?"

"Yeah, I really wouldn't mind. It gets kinda lonely sometimes, to sleep alone, y'know? Plus.. I kind of like like you too.." Taehyung blushed as he spoke, and Jungkook gulped.

"Great." Jungkook whispered, and then pressed their lips together again. "Let's get out of this place."

Taehyung nodded, heart feeling a flutter as Jungkook dragged him out of the small dead-end zone, a smile on his face.

They got out of the maze fairly easy, and when they did, Jungkook turned to face Taehyung. "I need the washroom. Can you just wait here for 2 minutes?" Jungkook asked, and Taehyung nodded.

Jungkook rushed off, and Taehyung sighed to himself, and then decided to wait, leaning against a pillar, looking out at the horizon of the city before him. This planet was rather serene and quiet, everyone seemed calm and peaceful.

Taehyung waited for 2 minutes, and then this girl walked up to him, her eyes big, lips pink. "Hi.. can you help me? My little brother's stuck in that maze.." She said, looking awfully upset.

"Oh- gosh, I'm not really from here.. but sure. I'll try and find him." Taehyung smiled at her.

✭

"There he is! Don't go away from your sister again, okay buddy?" Taehyung said, patting the head of the little 4 year old child, who rushed up to his sister, jumping into her arms. She patted his back, scolding him lightly but also looking immensely relieved.

"Thank you so much. I-I don't know how to repay you-"

"Don't worry about it." Taehyung smiled, and then looked outside, saw the sky turned a little darker. "..How much time passed while I was in there?"

"Around half an hour, I think." She said, and Taehyung gulped.

Oh god, he was inside the maze looking for a kid, Jungkook must've thought he left or something. Taehyung left the girl and her brother, and rushed up to where the toilets were.

"Jungkook?? Kookie-" Taehyung called, looking all over, turning around in circles. "Jungkook!"

"Please don't raise your voice, sir." A random alien said, and Taehyung nodded, knowing better than to disrespect the place of other people, especially when he's just there as a tourist.

Taehyung rushed around, trying to look for tufts of dark pink hair, but then found none. He looked around the toilets, didn't find him. He ran outside, all around the carnival, and then finally found something.

The stupid stuffed mug lying on the ground. Oh god. Okay, okay, don't freak out, that could be anyone's! Taehyung was freaking out.

He knew he was supposed to meet the boys at that place 20 minutes ago, so maybe Jungkook just went there. He ran to the spaceship holding center, and then found Namjoon, Jin, Jimin, Yoongi, and Hoseok waiting around there angrily.

"God, there you are! Why'd you take so fucking long? Wait.. where's Jungkook?" Hoseok asked, and Taehyung gulped, scratching his arm fearfully. 

"I-I don't know! He-he went to the washroom, a-and then-"

"And what?" Jin snapped, and Taehyung looked stressed. "I-I left for a little while b-because this girl needed my help finding her brother, a-and I couldn't find him." Taehyung mumbled, eyes big in worry, guilt infesting inside of him.

"What?? Oh god.. where could he go? I not for right here?" Jimin asked.

"I-I don't know! I looked everywhere-" Taehyung stammered, and then saw Namjoon looked at him angrily.

"Taehyung, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did I not say not to leave each other??" Namjoon snapped, and Taehyung nodded hastily. "I-I know- I just- I thought h-he'd come back in a few minutes, and-"

"Anything could've happened to him, Tae. You remember what happened on that stupid planet with that King! God, this is why I told you not to-"

"I know! I know, I'm sorry." Taehyung said, and Jin gulped. "What do we do? Should we search for him?"

"How about this.. Yoongi, Hoseok, you two look near here. Jin come with me, let's go talk to the guards of here. And Jimin, stay with Taehyung inside the ship." Namjoon ordered, and Taehyung frowned.

"I can help-"

"You're not going anywhere, we'll have a strong word after this." Namjoon snapped, and Taehyung nodded, gulping nervously.

Jimin pursed his lips, and patted Taehyung's back. "Let's go in. Don't worry, he's probably just wandering around here."

"I-I feel so bad. He must've come back and though I left, a-and-" Taehyung stammered as the two walked up the stairs of the ship.

"Tae, don't stress yourself. It's not your fault. Kind of." Jimin said, and they entered the ship.

Taehyung still looked guilty and like a kicked puppy, so Jimin sighed. "I'll go make you a coffee. Go sit down." Jimin said, and Taehyung nodded, walking over to his rooms.

Taehyung walked over to the bedrooms, and looked at Jungkook's room door, which was closed, and felt even worse. Today started out terribly, became kinda good, and now was shit again. Ugh.

Taehyung reached for Jungkook's door, just opening it for reason unknown, one of his Jupiter instincts acting up. He opened it, and then instantly heard some giggles.

Taehyung frowned, seeing a figure moving beneath the sheets of the bed, and then heard more giggles. Two giggles. Two combined giggled, and two figures moving under the bed, and Taehyung frowned even more. "Jungkook?"

The bed sheets came down, and Taehyung's eyes widened when he saw Jungkook in the middle of the bed, hair messed up, shirtless, face stained with lipstick marks. Jungkook saw Taehyung, and just blinked. "Oh hey, didn't know you guys were back already."

Taehyung froze, and then saw the two figures he saw moving get up, two girls, with long flowing hair and white skin sat up as well, in their underwear, on either side of Jungkook.

"W-what?" Taehyung let out, and Jungkook smirked.

"Sorry." Jungkook said, tilting his head a little to the side, not looking a bit sorry. "Guess I'm just a stupid fuckboy, aren't I?"

The girls giggled, and Taehyung just stood there in shock, eyes wide. One of the girls started kissing the side of Jungkook's neck, while the other felt up his bicep. Jungkook pressed his tongue against the side of his cheek, looking right at Taehyung.

"You gonna keep looking, or..?" Jungkook snapped, and Taehyung just scoffed, and then turned around, slamming Jungkook's door shut.

Jimin walked out of the kitchen, holding two cups of coffee. "Everything okay?"

Taehyung stormed out of there, walking down the hallway and opening the spaceship door, walking down the steps. "He's right here," Taehyung snapped loudly, catching Jin and Namjoon's attention, who were talking to some guard.

Taehyung turned back around, and then saw Jimin standing there, and saw the pink haired boy gulp, eyes big in confusion. "...Why is he with two girls-"

"I don't know." Taehyung grumbled, and then stormed into the control room. "I don't care."

The others walked onto the ship, and watched two girls now dressed normally talking to each other in their alien language, waving at the boys while walking out of the ship. Namjoon frowned.

Jungkook walked down the hallway, in his boxers and a shirt, raking his hand through his hair, yawning.

"Were you...? Oh my fucking god," Yoongi said in annoyance, and Namjoon looked at Jungkook for a few seconds, and then clapped his hands together.

"Meeting in the control room. Right now." Namjoon snapped, and then walked into the control room, others following in. Jungkook rolled his eyes and walked in as well.

Taehyung looked at how Jungkook walked in, steps staggered, and then slumped against the wall, looking cocky and indignant. Taehyung was looking at him, his eyes turned dark grey now, Jimin standing beside him, sipping his coffee silently. Jungkook just snickered to himself.

This was bad.

✫  ✬  ✭  ✬  ✫

https://jeontaeh.tumblr.com/post/647227862542401536/fifteen%C2%B9%E2%81%B5

[ticklikeabomb]

Epimetheus : Spill the Mead (part 3)

Pairing : Avengers x Plus Size Reader ; Steve x Plus size Reader 

Warnings : Language, Sexy times mentioned

Word Count : 2.3

2 weeks after the stand-up show

You were currently training in the gym squatting your life out, your ass chicks fuller than air ballons, when you heard someone enter the room. You didn't pay attention and continued your workout by switching to the treadmill machine. You opted for a half-hour running session before your legs gave out completely. Lifting your head up, you noticed Sam who was running next to you, a small smirk on his face. Frowning you breathed out a small, "What's with the face?". He chuckled, shaking his head slightly and replied, "Oh nothing, just wondering some things." Perplexed you let out a small "Ok" and focused back on your steps. Two minutes later, he spoke up, "You know what's funny?". You rolled your eyes figuring out something was coming and turned to him sarcastically, "No but I feel like you gonna tell me." "You and Cap have been avoiding each other for the past month. He refuses to tell us why but something is odd. He keeps glancing at you but when your gaze crosses his, you both look elsewhere. Isn't that curious?", he said a triomphant smile on his face when he saw your posture tense. 

"I don't know. We're busy people, maybe it's your imagination", you try to distract him. "Orrrr, maybe something embarrassing happened between you two and you refuse to talk about it. I don't know, maybe some 'fonduing'", he mimicked Steve. You both heard a huge 'Boom' to where Steve was and turned his way. He was breathing heavily, wide eyed and a punching bag on his feet opened in half. Sam burst out laughing to which Steve exited the room with a face redder than Pennywise's hair. You stopped the running mode and walked slowly in order to not get nauseous. 

"That's a great theory but believe me nothing happened between me and Steve", you told him even though you knew he didn't believe you. "You keep telling that. We will find out the truth", he said before stepping out of the machine and making his way out of the room. You let out a deep breath, trying to calm down after what just happened. "Stressed much", said Natasha next to you. You jumped in place, scared of her sneak attack. "Goddammit, since when have you been here?", you commented with a hand on you heart. She grinned and informed you she's been in the gym before you stepped foot in it. "How do you do that? Ho-", "I was a Russian Spy, you know that right?" "Yeah but still, let a Sister know you're there." She laughed and put her arm around your shoulders. "Come on, let's get a shower and our comfiest clothes. Tonight it's Ladies Night." 

Natasha, Wanda and you were watching your 3rd Rom Com movie when Natasha proposed to get stronger drinks. "I'll go. I need to stretch my legs a little", you told them and walked out the room. You were grabbing several bottles when his voice startled you. "Y/N? Can we t-" "Fuck, you scared the hell out of me", you shouted out. "Sorry. Eh…let me help you", Steve said seeing one of the bottles broken on the ground. "Don't ! It's ok", you stopped him. He sighed heavily and put his hand on his waist. "We should talk." You were cleaning the glass and hissed when a piece slightly cut you. He grabbed your hands and guided you to the sink. You refused to look at him in the eyes, embarrassed by the incident. "Please Y/N let me explain." You felt rage overflowing in you and lifted your head up. "There's nothing to explain. Let's just forget about it", you said bitterly and grabbed the other bottles, leaving him behind. 

When you got back in the room the other two Avengers noticed your mood switch. You took the nearest bottle and chugged a large gulp from it. "Oh no dear you shouldn't have done that", Nat's voice echoed in the background. "Oh shit. Should I text Thor about the side effects? Is she going to die?", turned Wanda towards the redhead. "You do that", advised Nat while approaching you and taking the bottle from your hand. "Heyyy the fuck Nash, I was enjoying that", you hiccuped. She chuckled nervously. "Enough Alcohol for you", she mentioned and you pouted. You needed more. You needed to forget about those blue eyes, those huge arms that would wrap perfectly around your curvy body, that beautiful smile that would leave you speechless. You felt a wet spot tickling down your neck. "Come here", Wanda engulfed you crying in her arms. "Shh, it's ok. Why are you crying?" "I-Im nott cry-crying. Ma eyezz are sweat-ing", you commented. They stayed by your side until your sadness transformed into anger. "How dare he !", you said through greeted teeth. "Steve?", asked Nat. "No the Pope. Of course Steve. It was supposed to be magical. I mean who wouldn't think it would be amazing going on a date with Captain America himself", you shook your head.

You saw them sitting against the bed, waiting for you to continue and you told them everything. "It was a month ago. For some reason, Steve asked me on a date. At first, I was hesitant because I knew he had a short story with Sharon and since she's my friend, I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship and it all becoming weird. She told me, she didn't care if I was interested and should go for it, if it was what I wanted. So, I reached out to Steve and told him I accepted to go on a date for him." "Wait a second, the guy you waxed was for Steve?", asked Wanda. Your face betrayed you and they both laughed out loud. "Omg this is priceless", they giggled. You mimicked them sarcastically and they calmed down. "Ok sorry, go on. What happened then?", said Nat. "The date night came and Steve took me to that fancy restaurant. Everything was going great until Steve's eyes widened and he cleared his throat. Sharon was also there and came at our table to say 'hello'. Then she casually mentioned and I quote, 'Oh it's so funny Steve that you chose to take Y/N on a date in the same restaurant you took me.' " 

"Oh he did not?", gasped Wanda. "HE DID", you exclaimed pacing in the room. "Asshole", mentioned Nat. "The thing is that I was convinced that Sharon was ok with it since she told me to go for it. It seems that she wasn't and took the opportunity to make me feel like an afterthought, like the fucking side chick. She left after that, leaving me furious and Steve embarrassed. I tried to calm down and put that thought in a corner of my brain and put on a smile. Steve seemed to calm down and apologized not knowing they would come across her and that he liked the restaurant in question. I let it slide and told him to focus on our night. He agreed and we went on." You breathed out before continuing. "So, we were chatting when the waiter arrived with our entries which was soup. Don't ask me why but Steve convinced that it was delicious and that I had to have some." You were pacing around the room frantically, talking with your hands in the air. "I don't know what happened but the next thing I felt was warm liquid burning down my fupa area and let out a scream in the whole restaurant." You stopped for a moment looking at their expression which was on the verge to crack out. "Go ahead, laugh your hearts out", you mumbled annoyed. They burst out laughing in unison. "Oh God that is…and it was the day you got waxed", hyperventilated Wanda. Side-eying them, you waited for them to calm their tits down. "What did Steve do?", asked Nat. "He just looked like a fucking goldfish, shocked at the whole scene. It was so embarrassing. I turned towards him and pleaded with my eyes to go back home. He eventually got the memo and asked for the check." 

"We left the restaurant, the date being a huge catastrophe and hungry. He apologized for the evening, that it was not what he had planned. Wa arrived at the compound and told him that I needed to get cleaned. He told me to do that and then come back in the living room." You quickly passed the details of you going to your room and clean yourself, while being on the verge of crying because you were excited to go on the date with him, yada yada yada. "I finally made it into the living room 30 later and he had put on a small table with candles and roses. He had ordered pizza as well and at the end we finally got something good going on. But then…", you scratched furiously your head. "Oh no, what now?", they asked. 

"Like I said everything was going great and all. At the end, we stood in front of his room to say goodbye but the tension was at its highest and we ended up kissing. It got heated very quickly and ended up semi-naked on his bed. And let me tell you, compared to Minaj, Steve's Anaconda does !", you said under the influence of the Mead. "Big Python, Thick Python too", you mimicked the very Super Soldier's length. "The man is belesssseddd in so many ways, making the whole 'God Bless America' completely accurate." "We don't need to know thatttt", whined Wanda her face flushed. "Shhht, I wanna hear the rest", shushed Nat. "Well the rest is that I was near his crotch but before going further I looked back at him to have his consent when…you ready? The Motherfucker felt asleep. Can you believe? I almost got my coochie ripped/burned and he just falls asleep on me."

"It's understandable now why you keep avoiding each other", said Nat. "I hate it. It's so weird, I felt so embarrassed. You know like I was so boring or something", you said with glossy eyes, the Mead getting the best of you. "Oh love come here", urged Wanda to a group hug. After that you felt completely drained and told them you needed to get some sleep, leaving them behind. 

The next day

You woke up feeling like your head was about to explode. "Miss Y/L/N, you're attended to the conference room for an emergency meeting", echoed F.R.I.D.A.Y's voice in your room. "Great !", you mumbled. Taking your sunglasses you stumbled into the conference room. "Thank you for gracing us of your presence, Agent Y/L/N", said Fury sternly. You peaced him out in response to which he narrowed his eyes. "Is there an eye infection going on right now or am I missing something", he continued while pointing at you, Natasha and Wanda who all had sunglasses on their faces. "It's your aura illuminating the room. You have such presence Sir", you commented with a goofy smile, the last effects of the Mead still in your body. "I'm going pretend that I didn't hear that", he mentioned and began reviewing the details for the next mission. He soon let Steve take the control of the details but you were too tired to listen to anything. Unconsciously, you fell asleep and were woken up with a hand bumping violently on the table. Getting past the shock, your eyes landed on Steve's fuming expression. "Agent Y/L/N, maybe last time you should party less in order to not fall asleep on such a serious matter", he rasped. 'The audacity', you thought. 

"Well Captain ROGERS, it seems that it's a recurrent thing of people falling asleep during serious matters, don't you think?", you spit in front of everyone. Maybe you shouldn't have but seeing him point you in front of everyone made you lose it. His eyes widened at your innuendo and he became redder than a tomato. He stormed out of the room, leaving the others shocked at his outburst and confused by your words. "What just happened?", asked Tony wickedly. You shook your head and stood up, leaving the room and taking refuge in your room. When you opened closed the door, you found Steve sitting at the edge of your bed. "What are you doing here?", your voice trembled. "We need to talk", he stated firmly. "I don't know what's there to be said. Actions speak louder than words", you replied. 

He stood up and closed the gap, his muscular body inches from yours. You stood your ground because 1) it was your room and 2) you he had nothing to blame you for. "The day of our date, I got a last minute mission on the other side of the world. I didn't get time to sleep but I was too excited for our date." "You could have cancelled it", you breathed out. "I could but I didn't want to. I wasn't aware of how tired I was and I know it's not an excuse to what happened but I'm really sorry Y/N. You deserve the best and I didn't give you what you earn", he said taking a step behind, a small expression crossing his features. You grabbed his wrist keeping him from leaving. "I'm not gonna lie, the first part and the last part of the date was a disaster but I enjoyed the moment we spend eating pizza, the way you decorated the table just for me. For a second it made me feel special." He closed the gap again and took your chin on his hand, "That's because you are and i would love if you could get me a new chance to prouve it to you." You nodded weakly, your eyes locked with his. His lips crashed yours in a slow but sensual kiss, his hands anchor themselves on your waist making him groan. "F.R.I.D.A.Y soundproof the room", breathed out Steve. "What?", you said. "Baby I'm intending to make it up to you for the next 24h", he said before capturing your lips in a feverish kiss. 

* gifs not mine, credit to owners*

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[junestarrants]

Why are some men like this?

Was talking to this guy on snap and he asked what i looked like and i sent him a pic then he sent a pic of him then he said wOw its horny hour and i was like,, okay??? And not even a minute into a proper convo he asked for a full body pic liKe no sir,, so i asked why then he said why not? Why not? No bc no and no bc why the hell would u need that? So then i asked him do you need it then he replied w no but it would be nice to have,, mm no boy. So i ignored his last messages and then i was talking to another dude on snap ,, i was just searhing for a proper convo bc i was bored then he asked for what i looked like yada yada then i sent to him then he said ur hella cute, i was like thanks man u dont look too bad urself. Then as i was typing in : what are ur hobbies,, he asked me “so can i see ur tits?” OK IM DONE. I said ‘ok blocked’ then he said ok then long after i blocked him he kept sending me messages but i cant see them bc hes blocked. Ok so moral of the story is stream dynamite by bts and that BTS and gordon ramsey n my dad are the only men i will EVER respect and trust. Prob also my younger brother bc he’s a sweetie n im shaping him into a respectful person ✨

Idk i just wanted to rant

[sikereviewdotcom]

wilfred (2011) - season 1 ep1 “happiness” review

ok so today were reviewing fucking "wilfred" basically its a story about a depressed guy who tried to kill himself but he failed because hes a pushover in life and even suicide is mocking him yea jk actually his sis prescribed him placebo so the meds he used in his suicide attempt were useless yada yada

then he sees his neighbours (on who he tots have the hots for) dog as a man and hes like lol wtf why is there a furry standing in my yard? im not into dogplay dudette, please dont do this to me ah-

unfortunately for him the chick, on the next day asks to take care of her dog meanwhile because idk shit happens in her house? and she has to work? yea something like that so anyway he accepts because hes into her and out of it aswell more out of it than anything tho

our man, ryan is pretty disturbed but it happens anyway he has NO control over his life so why would he have control on  a dog fursuit wearing 40 yo man? yea exactly wouldnt make sense

wilfred enters his house and smoke a damn bong thats right, a very efficient way to introduce what kind of character were up against see, jason gann has the perfect face for such character looking all dirty in that suit with a big ass black painted dog nose you gotta think "that dawgs up to no good" and youd be damn right keep reading to discover why so basically nm happens in this episode if it isnt the setting of all the shit because well ryan has a lot of issues and its gonna get worse you cant believe this dog is gonna make things better for ryan not really hes just scamming the loser with cheap tricks and drugs

btw after (trying) to vape or w/e with wilfred, the man falls asleep, wakes up because his sis whos a bitch, remember her

its important to spot whos a bitch in each show ill be reviewing its pretty easy to balance whos the antagonist and who isnt although it often is much more complexe than that which is why im here making it all very easy and very interesting, aside from lost cases like the magic school bus i cant make that shit any worse nor TOO better like i have limited power my reviews are sike but some shows are just nah back to our whipped cream: ryans depression: he is jobless ok? so his sis is mad that he doesnt make the effort to come work and do what he has to also he used to be a lawyer btw because his father wanted him to be and then his father died and he lost his job and he hated being a lawyer so w/e but he also seemingly lost all reasons to live and redacted more than one suicide letter so im not sure what to think about it he was really eager to die yknow his sis couldnt care less tho its like "yo stop ruining my image im trynna get you a job in my hospital fuckface" yea see that why shes an inconsiderate bitch

so instead of going to work because of wilfred, ryan takes him for a while btw that vermin also tries to get elijah (the actor playing ryan is elijah wood obvs btw so this series already gets 5 points to begin with i dont make the rules) to throw a tennis ball and dont forget this ball ok? its gonna come back and start a whole drama its the beginning of our adventure a ball

next theyre in a restauration thing eating chips and drinking a beer together dog and his friend then the waitress comes and

happens the tiddies eating, it almost one fucking minute im sure we could all feel the embarassement of having your animal rubbing its balls and penis against your friend whos over for the nights leg in the middle of spring and youre just trying to get it back but wow the hormones are hitting it hard its like a cleaning robot vibrating on a grandma whos cardiacs chest and you trynna take that little asshole away but for some reason its rubbed in olive oil so not only does it reeks of olive, its also slippery as heck and you can see your grandma spasmming on her soon-to-be deathbed, she has spasms for god sake no the robot no someone stop it from stimulating the old ladys torso ah shit marguerite died after drowning in her drooling 

not even died of an heart attack nah, it was such a messy death she suffered so much no one could do anything its like the robot was sentient yknow and well same goes for wilfred hes making it on purpose but uses the excuse : he likes the boobs it nothing personal, ryan

w/e they leave after paying (not for the side tits tho, it was a freebie for dogs) after that shit happens (i wont spoil you EVERYTHING, im just painting a pic here ok?) at this point you could wonder "is wilfred being a dick on purpose or its just about said instincts? how much percentage of his behavior is actually dog and how much is ryans mind (the guy is deranged  there is no denying that but how much? )) whats sure is that his owner likes her dog vm and hes maining that chick

good for him? but it also happens that before that, elijah just threw the ball above the gate and into his much less friendly neighbour because he was sick of the dog asking to throw it and so yea, there is a tension between ryan and wilfred not any kind of tension, exactly the kind of elija x reader fanfic i wanted to read except pov: im a canine furry and i smoke weed on a daily basis and im a jackass

theyre almost breaking up someone does something about it i was seriously getting into it wow oh no fuck look at me tearing one or two here

rip their new born bromance? or... is it all there is to it? well see no obviously its the problem we were waiting for because when our fella enters back home and idk whatever else happens its night and his sister comes home and she goes all "lol actually i gave you placebo itd be dangerous otherwise you numbfuck" but shes quickly muted once our man notices his dog friend in his yard... its time for a reunion a heart to heart conversation to proceed so he has to ditch his sis which he casually does bros before hoes

its again about the ball which HE WILL go and fetch by passing over the fence to get in neighbours yard but damn it cant be just that? wouldnt it make a lame crappy story? we need some actions, we got the tits, the beer, no job, delinquency has no limit so fuck it says the dog as he smashes the window and enters the bikers house because he SMELLS (like he smells the shit streaks you have on your pants) the weed, ryan is like "no fuck bro no shit fuck ah-" then sees the damn weed which they steal ok? hes really a pushover he has not got the right idea of stopping being one because thats what his new friends supposed to be here for yknow trynna get his loser into a winner, that lil camper gotta level up his game, go get into the business of life barging in kicking the door to enter, no shame nor hesitation were trying to make him STEP UP for HIMSELF but guess what? ill tell you later or itd be a spoil in a spoil surely a bad paradoxal medium w/e business going on blablabla theyre up to no good thats for sure as sure as how much ryans actually enjoy this the mans into this pee slash poop affair:

spoiler alert: he does it and

im just quoting him here : he never felt more alive nor glad to be so i guess thats whats life about shitting in peoples affair, stealing weed plants and quitting your job on your first day (you havent showed up tho so w/e you never really worked in that place no one knows you its all good you can get back in that place looking innocent and smiling with your broken ribs "yea nah i never had a job here and ditched yall huh" thats foxy of him kinda but not really since he had no intention back then to do anything for himself it was all strings pulled by a fucking dog hilarious really im having a kick haha no

so what next? theyre best friends? man and dog, a wonderful friendship happens he has no more family to support him but HE HAS A DOG guys he was so into it im feeling sorry for this hobot-to-be schizophrenic man

i wont spoil you but trust me when i say not to trust a furry who eats tits on your first date

in conclusion: it was a pretty decent first episode ill update my final thoughts on the first season once im done watching it but so far its recommandable the camera work is pretty cool like its not just thoughtless filming we actually have a nice feel to it, the setting of the series is esthetically pleasing you get nice colors and it aint boring, its not like a FRIENDS episode yknow? dawg i dislike how boring it looks filming wise for start but damn i aint reviewing FRIENDS rn so next, the comedy? after all its a comedy genre series not a drama, idk if id review an actual depressive show on here thatd bum the vibe out ok? i know im making all my revs awesome w/e it is that i choose to rate and comment but still im serving you a plate of my finest sheez not any fizzle in the mizzle ok?

anyway yea the humor aint bad, i havent laughed my ass of but i did find it amusing to watch the jokes may actually kick in in the second episode ill have to update this rev alright? just hang on to your balls peeps this fam will serve in due time

rating: 7,5/10 scenery/camera work 7/10 comedy 8/10 interest/entertaining points total: 7,5/10 for a first episode is fine enough to be recommanded, like a "give it a chance" sorta case yknow isnt the most hilarious show youll watch but its fine especially if youre into homoromantic tension between a furry and elijah wood 

jk 

tg, out

[monsieur-darling-blog]

The Stripper in Stuart Weitzman

I met Charlotte under distressing circumstances. I had quit my job at Jimmy Choo in November of 2016 and had just acquired a new position at the department store, Nordstrom, in Nashville. I knew I was over qualified but didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do yet (I still don’t) so I latched on to the first thing that was offered: a part-time salesman, also known as “Stylist”, in the designer shoe department.

Like most people, I was really nervous my first day. One of my good friends was a manager in that very department (hence why I receive the job offer anyway) but I still had the feeling that this new opportunity was probably going to end in destruction. Case in point, it was my FIFTH (!) job that year. I had been a waiter at three different restaurants (two with my boyfriend at the time, which is another story entirely), worked for Jimmy Choo, and now this. Was I going to be good? What were the other “Stylists" going to be like? I'm not sure why I cared so much. You would have thought I was enlisting in the Peace Corps and just landed in a strange, third world country rather than started at a shitty department store.

But I had no reason to be nervous. I was surrounded by people just like me. We were all young, reasonably-attractive, completely coddled by our upper middle class parents. In short, we were fuck-ups who had no idea what was going on in the “Real World.” All we cared about was what Alessandro Michele was doing for his next Gucci collection and where we were getting drinks that night. We acted like we were the fashion experts in Nashville, and I suppose, to a point, we were. We were selling the most expensive luxury items (Louboutin, Saint Laurent, Chanel, etc.) to the most stylistically challenged women I’ve ever encountered. The truly wealthy women in Nashville were all the same: White. Blonde. Skinny. Didn't go to college. Trump voters. Into heavy branding. These women were all happy to spend their misogynistic and homophobic husband’s money. And they ate up whatever we told them:

“Oh my god, this new Chanel bag is EVERYTHING! I can't believe it's only $5000!” or “I know these Louboutins hurt, Ms. Henderson, but I really think you're going to be the talk of Swan Ball!” Of course, Nordstrom doesn't have a return policy, so once these ladies ate our bullshit and got home, they realized they'd been played by money hungry twenty-seven-year old's and returned that shit.

Our paychecks were always up and down because of it. One week, I'd make $3000 in commission. The next week, I'd have $20,000 returned in worn stilettos and my paycheck would be about $400. Because of this company policy (where you will always be negatively impacted by returns at any time because Nordstrom wants to always “take care of the customer” - I fucking hate Nordstrom as a company, FYI) my coworkers and I banded together and became very close friends.

That brings me to Charlotte. She was one of the first people I met once I made it through my hellish five day training classes. She was always turtlenecks with Prada Mary-Jane's and her hair messy. Upon first glance, I thought that she was okay. Hipster, yes. A psychopath who enjoyed making everyone uncomfortable at all times, no. But I was so wrong.

“HI! I'm Charlotte! What’s your name? Where are you from?” She said. Her energy level was alarming, but I was the new kid, so I attempted to make polite conversation and a good first impression. I told her my name (Mathew) and where I was from (Vermont). Only two seconds had passed before she blurted out, "Are you gay?”

Lucky for her, I was secure enough being a flaming homosexual that I didn't give a shit about her question. I told her that I was and she said, "Oh, gay men normally don't like me.” RED FLAG.

Weeks went by and I maintained a polite but distant relationship with Charlotte. I would be sympathetic to her stories about her relationship with her boyfriend. I would listen to her talk about wanting to leave Nashville and express the same sentiments. But I always maintained a guarded relationship with her for two reasons:

1) She offended nearly everyone in the department, and

2) I just couldn’t stop thinking she was homophobic!

She would perpetually make these comments to me about how I was her only gay friend. How gay boys never liked her. How she didn't like going to gay bars to watch grown men dress as women. I started to think that maybe, in a past life, she had been a repressed gay man and was taking it out on me. What was her issue with gay men? Did she ever stop to think that maybe gay men didn't like her because she tainted the relationship from the get-go?

Whatever her reasoning, she took my sympathy about her love-life for genuine friendship and started acting like we were super close, even though I definitely did not feel that way. She flashed her tits at me one day at work, and shook them in my face, and asked me what I thought about her body. She called me to discuss how hot a boy we worked with was and how she wanted to fuck him. She started talking to me about her relationship woes, and because I didn't want to be rude, I listened, nodded, and agreed with whatever she said.

Eventually, she moved to New York, and to be honest, I was relieved. I wouldn't have to stand around listening to her anymore. It’s not like I hated her (at that point), I just didn't think we had very much, if anything, in common other than we worked at the same place. She had days where she was an enjoyable coworker, but a lot of the time she just made me feel awkward. I didn’t think we were going to see each other for a long time, even though I had planned to move to New York only a few months after she did.

However, I did see her, much more quickly than I expected. In May, I hopped on a plane and took a vacation here in New York. The trip was meant to scout apartments but it pretty much resulted in me binge-drinking every night and buying bunk cocaine on the street from a black man outside of Vodka Soda. I came to New York with two of my closest friends: William and Lucia. Will and I had secured an airB&B in East Harlem for the duration of our trip. However, we only had one bed, which meant Lucia needed to find a place of her own.

Lucia's relationship with Charlotte's relationship was just as weird as my own. Lucia and I bonded early on over how much we didn't like Charlotte and laughed about all the awkward shit she did to us (like the flashing.) But as time went on, Lucia let go of whatever tension she felt, and accepted Charlotte as she was: the annoying girl who made her uncomfortable, but probably not a completely terrible person.

Lucia asked Charlotte if she could stay in her downtown apartment. Charlotte said yes. Before I knew it, I was in an Uber with Will and Lucia, headed down from Harlem into the thick of Manhattan to Charlotte's apartment building. The area was beautiful. Trendy, hip, and lively, exactly what you should think of when you think of Manhattan. I was so excited to be in New York and in this cool part of the City that I forgot who we were reuniting with.

Lucia called Charlotte to let her know we were outside of her apartment building, standing in the warm 90 degree weather (this was a record high day for May in NYC), starving and ready to get the vacation started. But of course, Charlotte didn't answer. It took Lucia three tries to get through before Charlotte had opened up her apartment to us.

“HI GUYS!” Charlotte said, and hugged each of us. She invited us into her apartment, a fifth floor unit with four rooms (a bedroom, kitchen, living room, and bathroom) but without air conditioning. She kept rambling about her roommate, who let her stay there for free, and said, "Can you believe I have all of this? Can you believe I have this?”

I couldn't believe it. I couldn’t believe how fucking hot it was in that apartment. If it was 90 degrees outside, it must have been 105 inside this place. I wanted to get out of there. I was also, yet again, uncomfortable! Even her living quarters made me feel uncomfortable. She had a sculpture of an erect penis mounted on her wall. Books were strewn everywhere - on the table, on the floor, on ledges, and not in a chic artistic way. In a dirty way. The sink was full of dishes. Don't even get me started on the bathroom. All the while, she was acting like she lived in Buckingham Palace and kept chanting, "Can you believe I have all of this?”

Lunch time was here. Lucia, Will, and myself were all starving after our three hour flight from Nashville to LaGuardia and two hour Uber from LaGuardia to Harlem. As we stepped back outside into the bright sunlight on that one block in Manhattan, Charlotte said, "I know exactly what we should do for lunch. I know the best brunch place and it's totally vegan!"

I don't eat vegetables. I might be twenty-eight, but I still don't eat my veggies. Thank god, Will came to my rescue and said, "Let's go somewhere where we can all eat.”

Charlotte paused and said, "I know just the place! And it’s very New York! The guy who works there is always like 'FATHER! DAUGHTER! SISTER! MOTHER!'" She made strange pointing gestures like we were the father, daughter, sister, mother!

Will and I exchanged glances and silent laughs before proceeding to this magical, "very" New York brunch spot. It turned out to be a small but cute bakery a few blocks down from Charlotte's apartment. Our waiter was also our chef. He cooked me up the most delicious cheddar and bacon bagel. Meanwhile, Charlotte immediately began filling us in on everything happening in her life in New York.

“So I've been working at Barney’s doing freelance embroidery..." yada yada yada… “I’ve been sleeping with this older man…" yada yada yada… but the best part was when she started eating cream cheese with her bagel after announcing that she was vegan and saying, "What! If you're on vacation, then I'm on vacation, so I can eat whatever I want!"

After that, she said, "I've got a big announcement.”

"What?" Lucia asked.

“Well, I really want to go to the strip club tonight. Because I think I'm going to start stripping. I've really been thinking it's probably the best way for me to get some quick extra cash and I want to go to grad school. So I want to see what it's like. There's one close to here. And I don't care about having my tits out.”

Normally, I wouldn't judge someone for stripping. I've had friends in the past who have had to do it. However, there had been multiple times where I heard her slut shamming our coworkers. “She's such a dumb skank,” she would say, or “This is what is killing feminism” after looking at an Instagram post of our colleague in a revealing outfit from the night before. Then she would laugh. No, cackle is the right word. That very moment, when she announced she wanted to be a stripper is when I realized how much I actually disliked this person. In that moment, I realized that all she had was her fake veganism, her fake feminism, and her fake life. I called her a hypocrite under my breath and proceeded on with lunch, deciding that it was probably better to stop discussing her future profession before I really went off. We got our checks and paid but not before Charlotte skipped tipping our waiter. Remember when I said I was a waiter? Yeah, at that point, I was wishing I had never met this person. I dropped a couple extra dollars on the table. We got up, left, and I didn't see Charlotte again for the duration of my trip. Thank god.

I didn't think very much about her very much after that. It was later that I was informed that she felt bad for me and William. Apparently, she didn't like knowing that we would be moving to Brooklyn when she had "all this" in the East Village. I thought about what she had and compared it to my situation. I decided that I would rather live in Brooklyn than live in squalor like she did. I would rather spend 20 minutes on the subway than walk to work from that shithole place she slept in. And I stupidly voiced that opinion to four coworkers one day when I was back in Nashville, while casually mentioning that she wanted to become a stripper and had bought Stuart Weitzman booties for the new job.

At the time, I didn't think anything of it. Or care. So, I went about my day, and the next few months without thinking about what she was up to. I think I only spoke to her twice before I myself moved to New York. One time was for her to rant about her ex-boyfriend and the second time was me asking her tips for finding an apartment. On the day that I moved, she slid into my DM’s. Here is our entire conversation:

“Charlotte: Driving to NYC?

Me: Yep!

Charlotte: Not bringing a car tho right??

Also will is your best friend but he is also gay

Is that not weird? Or are you both not each other’s type

Sorry for ignorance

My questions never bother you so I like to ask haha

Me: No, and haven’t you ever had a friend that is a boy that you haven’t fucked?

Charlotte: Lol ya, you *upside down smiley*

Idk if someone is attractive and we get along super well? It usually develops into something

ESPECIALLY if there is drinking involved”

I never responded. Why did she care what my relationship with my best friend was? Fuck that bitch! I hated her! And yes, Charlotte, your questions DO bother me. I squatted in Bushwick and vowed to never see her again. I figured we would just drift away from each other. After all, we both wanted very different things out of living in this city. But no, Charlotte needed to intrude on ANOTHER first day of work for me.

I moved to New York because of another job offer. I knew that I wanted to get as far away from the South as I could so I was very surprised when I got offered my old job at Jimmy back, but this time in the fashion capital of the world. I was excited, ecstatic really, but my nerves were worse than they had ever been on that first day.  I felt like I had made it. I was at the highest position in my field - RETAIL. Ugh. But whatever, a job in Manhattan is a better job than anywhere else. I made sure I knew exactly what trains to take, and made sure to get on them early just in case I got lost. I had a shiny new title with an illusion of glamour backing it and I was going to make sure it was the perfect fucking first day. The day passed slowly with lots of training. It wasn't until lunch that things really picked up and I almost shit my pants.

I checked my phone to see four missed messages and a phone call from Charlotte. This is what they said:

“Ok A: fuck you

and B: I refer you to things in NYC and you act like my friend and then you go around saying you don’t like me and that I’m a stripper now

How about I just tell people you moved to NYC to be set up by an elderly gay man and that I think you’re a twat, like duh fuq is your problem

And my apartment is disgusting? I hope you rot in Bushwhick and I’ll continue chilling in Manhattan and the Hamptons. PEACE. Fucking fake motherfucker.

”

To which I responded,

“You are psychotic.”

Almost immediately, the phone at work begun to ring. My new coworker answered and then said, "The phone is for you?” His face practically said, you-are-brand-new! You-don't-have-clients! Who-is-calling-for-you-asshole? I snatched the phone from him and checked the caller ID. Area code: 615. It was a Nashville number. I answered, embarrassed as fuck, knowing what was coming, and said, "Hello this is Mathew" while my new boss stood three feet away. Surprisingly, rather than hearing her scream, Charlotte hung up on me! I went to check my Instagram. She blocked me. And then Facebook. Blocked there too. It looked like she was done speaking to me. I was relieved, though I didn't understand why she decided to call my new work.

But then, one-by-one, my friends starting texting me. Charlotte was apparently "really pissed off" at me. So much so that she mentioned coming into my work and punching me in the face. That's when it clicked. She had called to see if I had started my job yet. She was walking to SoHo right then, I knew it! I probably had fifteen minutes. In another one of her texts during her rampage, she mentioned to one of my friends that she hated “prissy gays.” I waited, very anxiously, for her arrival to cuss me out on my first day of work, punch me in the face, and get me fired. I spent ten minutes shaking. I was angry, nervous, and could not believe some fucking cunt decided to tell her about my stupid gossip THE DAY I STARTED MY NEW JOB. Like! Congrats on your new job! Now let me fuck your world up real quick!!

After freaking out in my head, I decided it would be best to warn everyone working with me that day, so I told my coworker and my new boss about the psychopathic young woman with frizzy hair that might come in and assault me. Thankfully for me, my boss threw her head back, laughed, and said, "I can't deal with this on your first day!”

Charlotte never dropped by that day. I was so thankful she didn't fuck up my first day I almost thought she was a good person. She really had every right to be angry. She could've punched me in the face and I would have thought it was merited. I told people her apartment was disgusting. I told people that she bought Weitzman boots to strip in. And now I'm writing this story. I was guilty of my crime and felt the repercussions as a knot in my stomach. One of these days, she’s going to find me waiting on the train platform and smack me or push me down onto the tracks to be hit. I have yet to face our problem head on (mainly because she's blocked me on all platforms) and for the sake of atonement, I need to. Like Hilary Duff says, I need to "come clean!"

It's not like I didn't have chances to fix this. I had one when another old coworker, Keith, was visiting New York a couple weeks ago from Nashville. Keith was not my friend, ever. I hardly ever spoke to him and when I did, it was because he initiated. He wore funny hats because he was "so alternative.” Basically, Charlotte and he were meant to be best friends because of how much they both sucked. I am not 100% sure Keith told Charlotte that I had announced to all of her old coworkers that she was stripping in Manhattan, but I think he did. I was amazed that he showed up to my work randomly one day during his visit. I did not understand why he would come visit me, considering he was my top suspect that told Charlotte what I had said. Had I not been working with a client upon his arrival, things might've ended differently. I might've said something like, "Get the fuck out of my work space you fucking piece of shit." Or I might've summoned Lauren Conrad's infamous words, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!" But instead I asked why he was here and what his vacation plans were. I was cold, distant, and felt like I made it pretty clear that now we weren't working together we did not need to have a relationship, but still attempted to maintain an aura of politeness.

What I should have told him was to forward a message to Charlotte. And tell her that I wasn't sorry. Because I am a bad person. I know that I shouldn't have done the things I did. I made another person feel like shit about themselves, mostly because they made me feel like shit about myself! But we weren't ever really friends! She didn't like me and used me as her gay accessory, I imagine to prove to herself that she wasn't secretly homophobic. I used her to show that I could be friends with everyone, even when those people were unanimously disliked. The fact is we were ALL shitty people! Keith is included in this. I will never apologize for being a “prissy gay" and telling people behind her back what I really thought of her. She should never apologize to me for making me extremely uncomfortable every time I was around her. And should Keith apologize for running his fat mouth? Probably, but I'm using this post to let it go.

This whole situation has resulted in the best advice I have been able to give myself: hold. your. tongue. You never know who's around and you never know what people really think about you. I was in a very comfortable setting with coworkers that were friends, but I didn't think about the coworkers that were not my friends. Do I think Keith would've told Charlotte that I was telling the world about her stripper job? Probably not if he had liked me. I wasn't nice to him, so why be loyal to me? But I could've avoided the entire thing if I had just kept my own mouth shut and privately hated Charlotte like I had been doing. I didn't need to get coworkers involved. I'm not sure why I did. Probably because I have a superiority complex and didn't want people to think Charlotte was actually living her best life in Manhattan while I “rotted in Bushwick.”

I am not that girl. Charlotte said she felt bad for me being in Bushwick. I would not let her "feel bad" for me when I was figuring my shit out in New York City. So I ratted her out and let everyone know exactly what kind of person she is. I think, maybe subconsciously, I wanted her to find out what I said. And by doing so, I let people know exactly what kind of person I am: a not very nice one.

I haven't seen Charlotte at all since I've moved here. I know that eventually I will. William saw her one day walking into a Chipotle. That’s been my closest encounter with her. I purposely avoid her neighborhood for fear that she'll be around the corner. I have absolutely no idea what I will say to her when that day comes. Will I say "Hello?" and let the past be the past? Or will I walk forward, pretend I don’t know her, and go about my day?

[jigglyones]

Jiggly: The Chicken Cutlets

Great for the circles under your eyes

The Chicken Cutlets - This One’s For The Birds

The silicone bra became known as the Chicken Cutlets due to it’s real-life hen honker look and feel. It’s also called the Invisible Bra, and it does look invisible on a person with my skin tone. The cutlets started as silicone inserts that came in two colors to match an average white or dark girl’s skin tone and added a more “real” pad for their bosom. They became wildly popular and there are several funny videos and images of women obviously forgetting their life-like pink chewies actually aren’t attached. Here’s a couple of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FRUA2jKbtg

Later companies added removable shoulder straps and adhesive, similar to the Free Bra, taking it from a popular meat puppet enhancer to the chic-filet bra of your dreams. Even with all the extra utensils, this bra gets a 3 out of 10 on the Fluffy Pillow Scale, because it’s fowl (By now you know me, you see where this is going...) 

PROS

This bra has endless possibilities; but it’s best used when chilled. Use it as a soft squishy pillow on a warm day. Put it over your eyes and eliminate circles, while recalling your view from the womb. If you freeze it completely, use it to pack a lunch and keep food fresh all day long. I like to keep some at my desk fully frozen and just when my boss throws stuff at me, to do,  I chuck one of these at the door, threatening her life. We all have a chuckle afterwards. 

But the fun doesn’t stop there, use them to ice sports injuries. You can never have too many frozen cutlets around the house, it seems like someone is always in need of an iced cha cha. 

For the outdoorsy types, keep the bird bazoongas at room temperature. Then lay them with the adhesive side up. This will become your most sexiest fly/mosquito trap. No more getting bit with the chick-tit at your bench. 

FINE, SERIOUS PROS...

Let me get this part over with; it covers the knobs and holds your mamas in place. It’s also strapless so you aren’t restricted in anyway, as far as breathing goes.  Also, it is easy to clean, just swip, swipe, wipe and put it away. That’s it. So I can’t be formally sued (That’s a rule, right?)

CONS

This thing is a no-go! Men don’t even like them. And why would they? They are creepy AF (AF means, And Funny.. for all my snowflakes, lol). 

Oh how I hate this bra, let me count the ways: 

1) Just holding it is so weird. I felt like the mass murderer from saw, as I held this dismembered bird boob and felt it’s gelatinous quiver tickle my hand. Ewww. 

4) It is heavy. So it actually doesn’t adhere well and weighs down your boobs, it holds them in place if you wear something tight over it, but it holds them at a lower place. So while your beams may be held tight, they are held tight down, not up, which is a little uncomfortable. It’s like that 50 year-old married guy that hits on you and says he wishes he met you first because you’re more, “on his level” than his wife. No, I’m not on your scummy level, Tim.  Kope Cung Kah That’s Thai for, “Thanks, now piss off.

4+) Because the bra is so heavy the adhesive is stickier than the Free Bra, but it doesn’t stick as well. So this means it doesn’t stay in place like it should and yet it hurts more to peel off. This bra is the worst of all worlds, why didn’t they just say that in the infomercial? We all could have saved some time. 

6) It produces a little bit of sweat, this makes it less sticky and stinks. Silicone doesn’t absorb anything, so it doesn’t get dirty and that’s lovely, but it smells like a two day old chicken cutlet by the time you get home. You end up feeling like a bachelors microwave. He was going to just heat up something real quick, then his friend came over and they started playing Halo. Now the chicken breast will sit there until he heats up his left over pizza in four days. 

10) It’s not comfortable.The strap clips end up poking and prodding until I wonder if I’m being skewered. You’re the cutlet, not me, you featherless clucker-cupcake. Also it itches. I felt like a hen with lice, always itching and moving, etc. 

12) There is no support, you can’t bounce, jump or take flight with this airbag holster. 

15) And last, but certainly not least, as seen on TV, they will fall out! Don’t be another dropped, chicken nugget casualty. 

Look, I can do math, I realize that this list doesn’t seem to add up to 15, but doesn’t it feel like 15 to you? I wore this bra for 7 days and it felt like double that. 

ENLIGHTENMENT

Men and women alike seemed to appreciate my silhouette more, in this silicone valley. When I wore dresses especially, one of my guy friends proclaimed, “Why are you so perky today.” Apparently, he does an assessment of how my breasts are looking each day. My girl friends would do the same, “Ooh la la, what are you all dressed up for?” I wear a uniform, so my clothes were the same, and whether they realized it or not, it was just my bust that was different. 

One night I was riding on the back of a motorcycle with a friend of mine. We got to our destination after a half hour and he asked loudly, “What’s up with your boobs hitting my back? They feel weird.” He cringed when he said it. So even through my shirts and his shirt, it felt different from my real boobs, different from bra padding...so, NOT REAL! 

I laughed out loud and explained what it was. He’s fully aware of my bra project and asked a sweetly, naive question, “Why do girls wear those falsies? I don’t walk around with a cucumber in my pants because eventually she’s going to know the truth.” I thought about this over the rest of the day, and here is the answer to that question. 

Women wear falsies because it gives them more attention, and they have no intention of you or anyone else finding out the truth. Even women complimented me more in this bra, I appreciated the attention.

See a man fluffs up his income, persona, looks, yada yada, all to get lucky. Like a turkey during mating season, they do their dance to get their chance. But women are different. We generally have no interest in the mating ritual. We do if we like/love/want to be with a guy. But “a night out on the town,” the drinks men buy, the compliments they give, that’s just to feed our ego so we can go home and know we are prettier than our friend Leticia, because no one bought her drinks, and serves her right, she forgot my birthday. But I digress...

The point is, in general, we are going home alone, by choice, happily and men will never know the truth. That’s the best part. We will always be that adorable big busted chick in the bar that you almost had. And we will gratefully think of you and your compliments as we slip out of our stupid high heels and put on our granny panties, to climb into our hug bed and hug our pillows. 

Bottom line chickadees, get your compliments from something more substantial - false boobs are false compliments, and truthfully, compliments on real boobs, are too.

I feel a rant coming on....

RANT

You know what? I’m so sick of having new things to compete with! Not only do I have to compete with other normal, beautiful women; but also with models, who were historically designed from the bodies of 12 year-old boys (Yea, look it up). Then, I have to compete with plastic surgery victims (it is surgery), and cartoon characters that don’t even have real body parts, and now animals? Everything in magazines and parties lately are sexy animal themes. Costumes with sexy cat ears, hot unicorn hooves, a tail, I guess that’s a thing? And now these cockle-doodle-doo melon halter?

No! Enough is enough! I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want the hips of a boy child, or the ears of a sphinx, or the butt of a baboon, and certainly don’t want chicken jello molds hanging on my fried eggs. It’s over! It’s enough...it’s time to just accept that we have an obligation to take excellent stewardship over our livestock bodies. But beyond that, it was God’s choice and you trying to look like a f’ing giraffe not only corrupts your mind, but your body too.  

My Paula Abdul moment, when I wear classes inside and think my bra is chicken. I love being a star!