#Also I know this was a quick response lol I’m weekend chillin so I had some time

[dumpsterfirerp]

The lanky young man’s gaze had been roving curiously up and down the robot, taking in the details—the sparkly paint, the unexpected mane of hair, the liquid oozing from the wound. He’d extended a finger, as if to touch whatever sort of vital fluid this strange, intricately-sculpted man was bleeding. The way his pupils dilated evoked the unwelcome look of a toddler preparing to put something it very much shouldn’t in its mouth.

At the sound of the robot’s voice, however, he pulled back and blinked. The movement was slow and lethargic, and, outside of the dilation and the unusual red glow, there was something not quite right in his eyes. Something a little disconnected. A little bit too wide.

He turned slowly to look behind him—as if expecting to see someone there.

Then he turned back.

A smile split his features.

“Metal man,” he said. His voice was high and reedy, and a little hoarse. “Don’t worry. No more burning today.”

He looked the robot over again—once more zoning in on the injury before returning to his face. “You’re leaking.”

There shouldn’t have been anybody there.

Fire glinted off of the new arrival’s chassis, still dancing in the charred skeletons of buildings looming over his prone form. Soft, sooty flakes dusted the ground, the asphalt beneath sticky to the touch. But other than the rushing of hot air, there was nothing.

Nothing, that is, except for the sound of approaching footsteps—slow and meandering, peeling off the tarry road with the tacky smack of flypaper being pulled apart.

Slowly, laboriously, a gangly-looking sort of person with a scalp of long curls as shockingly red as the robot’s armor drew up to the body. Crouched. Nudged the inert saber with one bodysuited fingertip. Scanned the unfamiliar makeship of the robot—the gash in his arm—with glowing red eyes. Cocked his head.

Then rocked back on his haunches, watching. Waiting to see what would happen next.

[nyruratchet]

Notes 2 - Feelings

I just got done watching the documentary on Kevyn Aucoin. And I keep shaking my head at all these bystanders who say, “I was too young to understand I could help.” Sorry, but youth should not be used as an excuse. I don’t make excuses. Life happens. If I make a mistake, I own up to it and try to move on. 

I WISH I allowed myself to make mistakes as a kid. I had so much pressure put on me after age 6, that I never really had a full childhood. My parents separated when I was in 2nd grade. My sister was still a baby. So in all of my “free time” I usually had to take care of her. Summer, nights/weekends when my mom worked OT, etc...I still resent that a bit.  My mom moved into my great grandmother’s house; me, I went to live with my grandmother. Yes, we didn’t live together for nearly 4-5 years. I had to sleep in the bed with my grandmother or uncle or aunt as there was no other room in the house. The first day I came to live there, my grandmother said, “here are you drawers for your clothes. I’m not gonna baby you. You will be ironing your clothes for school every night.” So I did. There was no option. If I didn’t wake up for the school bus, she left me. From her point of view, she had raised her kids already. So, even though I was a favorite grandchild, I was not going to hold up her life.  I made my cereal in the morning. And when I came home and was alone, i had to cook my own food.(This is the reason I’m a good cook now.) I grew up quick at 7 years old. 

But I was already an old soul. I remember the first boy I ever had a crush on. And, when I realized it was a BOY. His name was ryan, he was my friend (sort of). We were playing tag, and there was a moment when both of us locked eyes...he had this look of knowing what I was thinking, then ran fast away. From that moment, we never spoke again. We knew. Without words. We knew. But I hadn’t reached puberty, so I still thought I liked girls too. So, I didn’t dwell on him too long. HA! that ended 2 years later. Yup. At 9 years old in 4th, I met this beautiful boy RJ. took my breathe away and rushed blood to other areas of my body. I was done. I mean, there was a bit of a struggle to figure the whole lust/love thing out. But as a no nonsense kid, it didn’t take me too long. It also helped that RJ was my friend. We always sat by each other in class, talked about music and weird stuff and he was just an all around good person. (I never stopped wanting him through grade school.) I realized again, that I’d never have him. But this didn’t hurt too much...

BUT by 7th grade, I fell in love with the first boy the ever made time stop for me. Julian (btw, I’m using real names because I’m not sharing any of their private info/experiences. They never did anything with me. Also, there is no need to lie.) Julian was SO nice to me. He knew, he told me (sort of) later that he’d known how I felt; they always do. But I could never have him. And it killed me. The first time I saw him...he walk in to Mrs Dickinson’s English class with his friend Joey (hated him) and I was paralyzed. For anyone who remembers 8th grade year, yes. I loved him even though we dated the same girl. (There was a brief moment I thought I was bi. NOPE!lol) So in high school, I was the high school pageant king. His girlfriend was in the female version of the pageant. So, I had to spend time with her and if she won, I’d have to announce and possibly help crown her. This night moved in slow motion. I had to watch her walk across the stage with the boy that made me cry each night through no fault of his or mine. So, when she lost, I was kinda happy. But he came on stage to say hi to me and said I did a good job hosting. I just said “thanks” and ran off stage because tears was beginning, and I didn’t want to break down in front of him. 

But of course, the busybody I was, I was on the dance committee in HS (I did everything in HS; student council, dances, prom, car washes, clubs, plays, talent shows, choir, homecoming, EVERYTHING...except sports. But I could have.) So, I was one of the main people planning the Valentine’s day dance (V-day as I now call it.) That night was painful. I spent all day helping the DJ set up, blowing up balloons, hanging streamers, setting up punch, making decisions to help make this dance special for couples...all the while knowing I’d have to go alone. Then like a ton of bricks on my heart, in walks Julian and HER. I hadn’t realized. I was too busy. I should have prepared for this. But, I just didn’t think. I couldn’t leave though. This was my event! I had to see it through and help clean up after. So, I dance the big group dances and showed of my skills on some of the other hip hop songs (you think I can dance NOW, shoulda seen me as a teen lol) and kept my bench warm near the punch bowl. This is where I first realized that there may not be anyone for me. Senior, in high school, never been kissed, never been on a date, planning the dances/prom but never asked to go. I felt so alone. To the point I told my best friend that I didn’t want to go to the prom. Her response, “Ummm...didnt you help plan it?? I respect whatever you chose, I respect. But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go to your senior prom with your friends.” I went. hated every moment of it. But back to love, there were crushes throughout my life, but I have always known the difference between lust, infatuation and love. I loved him. And til this day, I always will. But like the little adult I was, I graduated and tried to let it go. Now he’s married. And still trying to get my first boyfriend.

But constantly I’m being told I’m not worth it. Guys just fuck me and ghost me. I’m all good if you tell me it’s just sex. But don’t say you want to see me, take me out, date me, cuddle me, etc and then hurt me when I believe you. I don’t get that. You can’t say ur single but post pics of you and another guy “chillin” then say you two aren’t dating “exactly.” I had only loved 3 guys in my life. Julian, Josh, Paul...and then he comes along right when I thought I could be done with love. Now I’ve fallen for someone who messaged me everyday for WEEKS, said he missed me, and then just over night flipped the script. Awesome. So, I’m in pain. My heart has been hurting for a month and there is nothing I can do about it. My dear friend invited me to Boxers last week and almost started crying at the bar during DRAG RACE. Yeah, real attractive... When I love, I love for real. It doesn’t take me long. So, I understand when everyone THINKS i’m just infatuated but I’m here to tell you all, I’m not. I have hook ups; I flirt; I fantasize; I’ve even tried the fuckbuddy thing. I can compartmentalize like NO OTHER. So when my heart says, “he’s it!” I know it’s real. Sadly, it’s never reciprocated. So it leaves me thinking that all I have worth anything is momentary feelings and body. No guy wants my love. My love isn’t just feelings. It’s all encompassing. I give my time, my body, my trust, my shoulder, my loyalty, my everything.  But what do I get from them (in the short time I have their attention)?

Nothing more than feelings.