#Also I have not seen nearly enough sexy anime cat girls

[genderlesssnake]

WOOOOOO I FINALLY FINISHED SOMETHING

HAVE SOME SEXY ANIME CAT GIRLS WITH TAILS

Some zoom ins under the cut :3

[paladin-lynx]

SquipJere Week 2020, Day 6: Sexy Anime Cat Girl With a Tail

@squipjerebmc’s SquipJere Week 2020 Day 6: Sexy Anime Cat Girl With a Tail

Ships Involved: The SQUIP x Jeremy Heere (Technical Difficulties/Squipemy/Squeremy/JereSquip/SquipJere)

Setting: Canonverse, set in the time interval between “Loser Geek Whatever” and “Halloween”.

Trigger/Content Warnings: non-graphic mentions of masturbation; sexual situations and implications but no graphic depictions of sex; anthropomorphic/furry characters; tail kink; kissing; grinding; groping

Author’s Notes: Am I posting this weeks after the event already ended? Maybe. I ended up starting this piece when SquipJere Week was still happening before I fell out of my groove, so hopefully I managed to pick up where I left off well enough. This one’s a little spicier than the others, as you can probably tell from the warnings, hehe. Enjoy!

The SQUIP had been working long and hard to condition Jeremy to not think about sex nearly as often as he used to, and the fact that it seemed to be successful thus far in its efforts was nothing short of amazing. Jeremy had gone from feeling the need to jerk off every morning like clockwork to actually being able to get through an entire day without thinking about something lewd. The only time he ever got a pass was when he was with Brooke, but he hadn’t been seeing her much outside of school lately. She was just a stepping stone to get to Christine anyway, and while she was attractive and sweet, Jeremy wasn’t really all that into her. And that made him feel bad about using her as some kind of practice dummy.

“She’s used to it,” the SQUIP would say while squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. “She’ll move on to someone else quickly enough. You don’t have to be concerned about hurting her.”

That didn’t really make Jeremy feel much better, but he had always been someone who worried constantly about what others thought of him or how they felt about things he’d done. It was a big part of why he’d gotten the SQUIP in the first place – no one would ever see him as anything more than the awkward cardigan-wearing loser who spent all his time playing video games and getting high in his only friend’s basement. Michael had always been perfectly content to march to the beat of his own drum and didn’t seem to really care about anyone’s opinions of him, and he seemed to just assume Jeremy felt the same.

But Jeremy yearned to be somebody. He didn’t want to just survive every day and wait for the next day to be exactly the same. He wanted to live and have a life.

And so the SQUIP helped him to thrive in all areas. He dressed better, he walked more confidently, he was doing well in school and in the drama club. He was getting closer every day to all the cool kids and Brooke seemed completely enamored with him.

Of course, he was still a teenage boy. And teenage boys had urges. And while Jeremy could rein in those urges when he was awake and alert, that most definitely wasn’t the case when he was asleep.

He hadn’t been thinking about anything particularly sexy in nature before going to bed – at least, he was pretty sure he hadn’t, or else the SQUIP definitely would’ve had something to say about it – but that didn’t seem to matter. The dream had started out simple enough. It was almost boring, really. He was lounging on his bed, playing around on his phone, with the SQUIP laying beside him and watching quietly. The SQUIP as of late had been indulging itself more in the simple pleasures of human life and seemed content to observe Jeremy just existing rather than criticizing his every thought and action. Ever since it had realized it may be able to feel and Jeremy had assured it that he did really like having it around, it had taken to merely being near him when things were calm.

But all too quickly, the dream shifted away from the PG. The SQUIP smirked and reached over to take his phone – something that dream logic apparently decided was a thing that the SQUIP could actually do – to set it aside, and then didn’t hesitate to climb on top of him and straddle his waist. The SQUIP felt surprisingly more solid than normal, and while it was normally a bit cold to the touch, it actually felt rather warm now, like it was flesh and blood and not just a projection from Jeremy’s mind.

There was soon a hungry mouth on his and they were kissing, Jeremy wrapping his arms around the SQUIP and curling his fingers into the back of its cloak. However, when he pulled back, he realized the face looking at him was not that of Keanu Reeves, but instead a rather well-endowed girl with big, unmistakably anime-styled eyes, shining an ever familiar bright blue. She had long flowing black hair and atop her head proudly sat a pair of cat ears, and the cloak Jeremy had been holding onto was replaced with a rather short dress covered in a circuitry pattern. And Jeremy was pretty sure he could see a long black tail waving behind her.

Jeremy gawked for a moment but he did seem to have enough brain power to comprehend that this was still his SQUIP – he remembered way back when it had said one of its potential forms for him was that ‘sexy anime cat girl with a tail’ – and that seemed to be all the go-ahead the SQUIP needed to dive back in and kiss him again. Jeremy felt like there was fire under his skin as he kissed back, one hand shifting down to toy with the SQUIP’s new tail, causing it to mewl into his mouth. And of course that only spurred Jeremy on more.

The dream only escalated from there. Clothes disappeared at some point and the SQUIP’s mouth was everywhere on him, skilled and teasing. Given that the SQUIP was in Jeremy’s mind, it of course knew all the right ways to get him to writhe and moan. It could have only been a few seconds or it could have very well been hours when the SQUIP finally climbed back into his lap, a grin on those feline lips, and sank down onto him.

Jeremy woke up choking out a gasp, gripping his sheets and realizing rather quickly that both them and he were drenched in sweat. He had to take a moment to catch his breath, feeling as though he had just run a mile, and when he noticed that his pajama pants were feeling rather sticky, he quickly realized what had happened.

“Oh my God…” he mumbled, rubbing his hands over his face before pushing back the hair slicked to his forehead.

“I see you had quite the dream.”

Jeremy yelped at the sudden voice, scrambling to sit up and ending up tangled in the blankets for a moment. He stared with wide eyes at the SQUIP – in its usual form, thankfully – sitting in his desk chair, glowing that gentle blue against the darkness of the room. It was the middle of the night, judging by the fact that it was still dark outside, as well. The SQUIP was grinning slightly at him, looking thoroughly amused.

Jeremy just blinked dumbly at it for a moment, his mouth dry. “D…did you do that?”

“Oh goodness, no, Jeremy. I may be inside your brain, but the subconscious is not a realm that I can delve into. It’s much too complex and I wouldn’t want to potentially damage your mind by interfering with it.”

“But…you still saw it?”

The SQUIP hummed. “Bits and pieces. And, well, clearly you have a pretty vivid memory of it, so…” Its grin widened a fraction. “I can see it all now as you think about it.”

Jeremy’s entire face burned and he quickly tried to put the dream out of his mind, although he knew how this worked – now that he was actively trying not to think about it, it would result in him just thinking about it more whether he wanted to or not.

“Are you gonna shock me or make me do push-ups?” he asked warily.

The SQUIP tilted its head to one side, gaze sweeping up and down Jeremy’s body in a way that made him swallow a lump in his throat.

“…I’ll let it slide this time,” it murmured, chuckling. It smiled at him again, waving a hand dismissively. “Change out of those clothes. You’ve soiled them.”

Face still feeling hot, Jeremy slid out of bed and went to grab a fresh pair of pajamas, trying to ignore how he could feel the SQUIP’s eyes still on him. He did take a moment to grab some tissues and clean himself up and soon enough he was changed, although he frowned as he looked back at the bed and realized his sheets were still soaked. He didn’t like making the bed on a normal day, let alone in the dead of night. He could probably just deal with it, or sleep on the couch, although the latter option would raise some questions from his dad in the morning – if he cared enough to be inquisitive, anyway.

“Whatever,” he sighed, pulling the blankets up so they covered the dampened sheets and he could lay on top of them. He shifted so he could flip his pillow over, as well, humming contently at the cooler side pressed against his cheek and closing his eyes. Everything was peaceful.

“Jeremy…”

His eyes shot back open when the SQUIP’s voice came out much higher-pitched and sing-songy than normal. He was about to sit up when he felt himself pressed back onto the bed, weight pushing against his shoulders and waist. The SQUIP suddenly appeared atop him, grinning wickedly as it took the form of the very same cat girl he’d seen in his dream. The only difference now was that its touch was cool against his skin rather than warm.

“L-Ly?” he managed, blinking up at his SQUIP with wide eyes. “Wh…what are you doing?”

It chuckled – more like purred, honestly – and leaned in close. “You keep telling me to find things that I enjoy,” it murmured, tail flicking in amusement. “And I’ve come to conclude that I do very much enjoy seeing you all flustered like this. Do you like this form of mine, Jeremy? We both know about your attraction to anthropomorphic characters and…well, I believe you also have an affinity for tails, right?”

Jeremy tried to say something, to retort, but he just ended up letting out a rather pathetic squeak because of course the SQUIP was right. Michael teased him all the time – lovingly, of course – for being a furry, and he was never going to let Jeremy live down that one time he’d accidentally admitted that he thought Thalia would look cute with a tail.

But the SQUIP had worked so tirelessly to keep Jeremy from doing anything that would incite sexual thoughts, and yet here it was, seducing him. Was it seducing him? Jeremy wasn’t completely sure he was actually awake yet, to be honest.

But even if the SQUIP wasn’t nearly as warm as it’d felt in Jeremy’s dream, this did feel much more real in a way he couldn’t quite figure out. Maybe it was simply because he was, in fact, no longer dreaming and his brain could better process the situation – although he definitely still felt like he was at a loss.

“I…” was all that fell from his lips when he tried to speak again.

The SQUIP grinned, eyes bright with amusement and mischief, and it closed the gap between them. The feeling of the SQUIP kissing him was tingly and, dare he say, electrifying. It wasn’t like kissing Brooke, which was all warm and wet and messy. Even while insistent, every move the SQUIP made was precisely calculated and its lips were still cool against his, firing off all the right nerves to make it feel like there was something actually there.

It was so obvious to Jeremy that he was kissing nothing more than a glorified figment of his imagination, like this was just another fantasy. But he didn’t care. He liked it. His chest bloomed with warmth and his stomach was doing somersaults, and he couldn’t help letting out a soft whine against the SQUIP’s mouth. He wasn’t entirely sure why the SQUIP was doing this or if this was all some elaborate trick, but he threw caution to the wind and gripped onto the back of that dress like he had in his dream, pulling the SQUIP more against him. Their chests brushed and the SQUIP’s hips slid against his in a way that made Jeremy arch up with a gasp, and the SQUIP didn’t hesitate to take the opportunity to slide its tongue into Jeremy’s mouth. It was a little weird since it wasn’t wet and gross like a human tongue would be – Frenching was still something Jeremy was getting used to when it came to Brooke – but he could taste the SQUIP all the same.

It eventually pulled back and Jeremy sucked in a breath, having apparently forgotten that oxygen was a thing that he needed. The SQUIP looked entirely unfazed, still sitting triumphantly atop him with that wide grin. Jeremy’s chest heaved, his body growing warmer, and while he still wasn’t sure if this was some weird test, he gave in to his desire and tugged the SQUIP down again, kissing it once more. He felt the vibration of a chuckle against his mouth and for a moment Jeremy thought the SQUIP might just stop and leave him yearning, but then it was kissing back with just as much hunger.

Whining again, Jeremy let his hands drift down. He could feel the soft, silky fabric of the SQUIP’s dress as if it were really there, although there was a slight buzz at his fingertips, as if he was touching active wires. No one else would ever feel like the SQUIP, and that sent an odd sort of thrill through Jeremy. He couldn’t help wondering, in the back of his mind, if some people got SQUIPs for things like this. After all, if something was inside your brain, it knew exactly how to make you feel good, right? Although he supposed there were probably some drawbacks to SQUIPs only being able to project a holographic form. It wasn’t an actual, physical body like an android or something would have.

But those thoughts were hardly present in Jeremy’s mind as he lost himself in the moment. The SQUIP’s hips gave another teasing little roll that had Jeremy whimpering and on a whim he let his hands slip down to the SQUIP’s ass, wanting to pull on its tail.

So he had a kink. Sue him.

However, as he felt around, kneading at the soft skin, his brow furrowed when his fingers never found a tail. He pulled out of the kiss and opened his eyes, squeaking and turning bright red when he realized he was no longer looking that cute cat girl in the face, but instead a familiar Keanu Reeves lookalike.

The SQUIP, naturally, was still smirking like it was having the time of its life. “Problem, dear?”

“Y-you…” Jeremy tried, but he had no retort. He would’ve thought that the want – the need, nearly – to have the SQUIP close, kissing and touching it, would instantly fade away upon seeing the SQUIP’s usual form. After all, Jeremy saw it all the time and while it was an attractive face, it wasn’t one that Jeremy had thought about kissing – okay, well, maybe a couple of times, but that was just because his mind liked to imagine most things in a sexual way, horny teenage boy that he was. The cat girl had made him feel so many things and he hadn’t been able to help himself.

However, to his surprise, he found that even looking at this face he’d been seeing every day, 24/7, for the past few months, the urge to be close wasn’t going away.

“I…” he mumbled, suddenly feeling very small, his hands hurriedly falling from the SQUIP’s back where they’d been lingering. He shouldn’t be feeling this. He shouldn’t have felt it before even with the SQUIP’s rather sexy new form, but he definitely shouldn’t be feeling it now.

The SQUIP definitely sensed his hesitation and seemed to soften up a bit. Jeremy swallowed the lump in his throat as he felt a wave of calm wash over his mind and he sighed quietly, his muscles relaxing against the bed beneath him.

“There you go, love,” it cooed and, after giving Jeremy a moment to process, it leaned down to press their lips together again. This time it was gentler, more a brush against his mouth than a kiss proper, and Jeremy felt the weight against his waist lift slightly. Jeremy just lay there for a moment as the SQUIP kissed him before his eyes fluttered shut and he almost shyly kissed back, like it was his first time.

It only lasted a few seconds and then the SQUIP pulled back, shifting to move off of Jeremy and lay beside him on the bed. It gently ran a hand up Jeremy’s arm, and Jeremy felt the hairs there rise up at the cool, slightly static-y touch. “Are you alright?” it asked.

Jeremy blinked and ended up coughing out a laugh. “You’re asking that now?”

It frowned, eyebrows furrowing. It tilted its head slightly – analyzing, calculating, predicting. “…I apologize,” it murmured, still tracing along Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy almost wondered if it was fidgeting like that. “I suppose I got an…impulse and I got carried away with it. I shouldn’t have pinned you down. And I shouldn’t have kissed you or moved against you like that. It was highly inappropriate.”

Jeremy just stared. The SQUIP had definitely been acting more and more like a human lately as it explored what it wanted outside of just being Jeremy’s coach, but never had it sounded so ashamed, like it truly thought it had done something wrong. Jeremy’s mouth fell open slightly in surprise and he scrambled for something to say.

“I…I mean…” he started. “You…would’ve known if I didn’t want it, right? You’re in my brain. You…knew I was enjoying it.”

“I believe most would call that ‘taking advantage’ of you, Jeremy.”

“I could’ve told you to stop. Even if my mouth was, er, preoccupied, I could’ve thought at you.”

“Would you have done that, though?”

That had Jeremy faltering and he had to consider it. And he realized he wasn’t sure. Even if he had been uncomfortable, he’d been so overwhelmed by all the sensations the SQUIP was making him feel that he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to properly convey that he didn’t want it. And even if he could’ve, he might’ve ended up being too afraid of the SQUIP’s disapproval that he wouldn’t have said anything at all and just let it happen.

The SQUIP, of course, could hear all of his thoughts on the matter and huffed softly. “Exactly.”

Jeremy’s brow creased. “You’re acting like I’m mad at you.”

“You should be.”

“Well, I’m not. I’m…confused, really, more than anything else.”

The SQUIP sighed. “I would imagine so.” It paused, processing once again. “…I’m honestly not…entirely sure why I did that. Like I said, it was an impulse.”

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “But you always run predictions and stuff. You had to of seen what would come after if you acted like that. Was this…all because of my dream? Did it like, mess with your code or something because I dreamed about you?”

“You’ve dreamt about me before, Jeremy, that isn’t how this works,” the SQUIP scoffed, and Jeremy was glad that it was at least well enough to criticize his lack of knowledge about supercomputer pills. “…I suppose I wanted to tease you a little, as it were, about this particular dream, but that was all. I had only planned on changing my form for a brief moment, but once I was on top of you…” It trailed off and Jeremy felt a buzz at the back of his head that he was already learning to recognize as the SQUIP’s version of being flustered.

“…Yeah?” he prompted.

Its form flickered for a moment. “…Nothing else mattered,” it murmured. “Of course I saw the plausible futures. Of course I knew what a bad idea it was. But…I didn’t care.” Its expression twisted in frustration. “Why didn’t I care…? Am I defective?”

Jeremy wished he could answer, but he truly didn’t know. However, he’d learned a fair bit about the SQUIP in these last few weeks. Maybe he still didn’t completely understand how its programming worked, but he knew what he saw and he could sometimes feel things through their connection, even if it was difficult to discern exactly what it was he was feeling. And while Jeremy had never been the best at puzzles, he could still recognize patterns when he saw them. There were sensations he’d feel when the SQUIP seemed happier than usual, and on the opposite end of the spectrum there were things he’d feel when it was particularly agitated.

So, he had a theory. “Maybe you wanted it.”

The SQUIP blinked at him before tutting. “I’m a mach—”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a machine, you don’t feel, you don’t ‘experience emotions’ like I do. You’ve told me that a gazillion times, but I’m starting to think it’s just bullshit.”

Jeremy almost laughed at how scandalized the SQUIP looked. “Excuse me?”

He sighed. “You obviously feel things, Ly. You sing because you think it’s fun. You get annoyed when you find stupid bugs in the video games you run around in. You like to poke fun at me and call me things like ‘love’ and ‘dear’ because you think my reactions are funny. So…so maybe you wanted to kiss me because, I don’t know, you thought you’d like it?”

The SQUIP’s gaze swiveled back down and Jeremy once again felt that buzz as it considered his words.

“…Did you like it?” Jeremy asked after he didn’t get an answer for a bit. It had definitely seemed like the SQUIP had enjoyed itself, acting like it owned him, but then again, the SQUIP also did things to experiment and test results, so it could have just continued on to see what would happen.

“…I did,” it finally said, whispering so quietly Jeremy almost swore he misheard it.

The buzzing at the back of his head was growing more insistent and Jeremy could tell that the SQUIP was trying to make sense of this entire situation. It was strange, because Jeremy figured that by now the SQUIP would’ve come to accept that its A.I. had evolved to the point where it could actually experience things similar to how a human could, since they’d had so many conversations like this before, but it seemed that it still had its limits on what it deemed acceptable. And while his SQUIP definitely had its quirks, Jeremy doubted that there was anything inherently wrong with it. After all, it scanned itself regularly for problems in its software, so it wasn’t that – unless something had slipped under the radar, but Jeremy doubted that, too.

Deciding to take initiative for once in his life – although he supposed he had the SQUIP to thank for that, with all its work to boost his confidence – he gently put a hand on the SQUIP’s cheek, turning its face to him. He was a little surprised that it actually worked, considering that he had no real control over the projection, but the SQUIP still blinked at him.

“Remember what you said, that you just acted without thinking about the consequences?” he asked. “We’ll worry about all this later, just…for now, go back to that. Do what you want to. Don’t think about what it all means.”

The SQUIP looked like it wanted to protest for a heartbeat but then its expression softened and it nodded, leaning in and kissing Jeremy again.

Jeremy, of course, gently pulled the SQUIP closer against him, glad when he could feel the press of its form against his chest. They both knew that this probably wasn’t wise of them and they’d have to really look more into it when they had the chance, but for now, Jeremy was content to focus on how nice the SQUIP’s lips felt on his and how good it felt to have those cool, strong hands on him.

And from the static against his mouth and the warmth in the back of his mind, he was pretty sure the SQUIP was okay with that, too.

[beepbeepdespair]

My favourite moments from Funimation Con 2020 - day two

"Todoroki could offset climate change if he was strong enough"

"I've got a whole buffet of hair to eat"

(ONS spoilers) Justin Briner finding out that Mika was coming back later despite having just died horribly and reacting like "WHAT HOW"

Brina Palencia admitting that "there have been many times I've smacked myself in the face, or hit my microphone, or knocked my headphones off, I get violent" in the booth

Her story that she got into voice acting because she asked how to audition while on a tour and a head popped up from a cubicle and said "I don't know" so they went round every cubicle until they found the right person to ask...

...and her one about watching Tokyo Ghoul to get into the role of Touka and her husband walking in, staring at the screen for a few seconds and saying "are you the one with purple hair" "yeah" "makes sense"

Clifford Chapin (Bakugo's VA) acting tough at the MHA Gameshow while his dog is asleep on the sofa behind him

The conversation suddenly veering into Animal Crossing.... Caitlin Glass "I have a 5 star island, thank you" Justin Briner "Woah, Caitlin!" C: "You can come and visit it sometime" J: "My animals have given up on me"

"Look at all this cheese you wasted, you could have just used a post-it note"

Some of the incredible guesses in the gameshow... "Heroes Rising and that other one" "Thug A" "Todoroki, Deku and Tatum" "Tokoyami on sax" "Wolverine, Superman, Ricco (Fajardo, VA of Mirio)" "Bread, soup machine, dragon lady"

"I misheard the questiooooooon.... UNACCEPTABLEEEEEE"

Attempting to play along at home but doing dreadfully because I've seen two episodes and read one manga (also I know nothing about instruments so I put guitar instead of bass and was like "they're pretty much the same right? Do I get that point?")

A summary of the Endeavour vs Nomu fight in One's Justice 2: 'Uh oh I'm stuck in a building"

"Once you got in close you just melted my face"

Watching a Q and A with Chris Wehkamp, Sonny Strait, Monica Rial and Kara Edwards (who I was especially excited to see as I know her for Sakura Nanamine but she wasn't at the TBHK panel)

"You have to do weird things to get those noises out of your face"

"I wonder if sound waves are vegetarian"

Matt Mercer telling us that the weirdest sound effect he's ever had to make was a 'slightly aroused cat hit sound'...

...And the story about giving a game's NPCs heavy Scottish accents so that this little moe cat girl at a café would say "HEY THERE WOULD YA LIKE SOME COFFEH" (no offence to Scottish people we literally live right next to each other- I just needed to write it like that to show how strong it was)

Trying to not dance too aggressively to Silhouette by Kanaboon (because I was on the couch with my parents) or cry because con was nearly over (because I was tired and emotional)

Alicia Marie in the Cosplay Showdown wearing leggings with troll faces all over them (I want some now-)

"These people are so cool and fun and sexy and I am none of these things"

"I'm busting out the toilet paper rolls, y'all are in trouble now"

The cosplay horror stories we were told... Phil "halfmooned an entire cafeteria" because his kilt got stuck in his pants, Riki's crotch seam split when she was squatting for a photo, Alicia had sharp horns on her shoulders and had to try not to stab people all day and Lauren's armour had to be safety-pinned to her because it kept falling off

Phil finishing two or three minutes early (they had an hour to make a jetpack) while everyone else was rushing "You're taking a water break? Now?" "Ah, delicious"

Proof that the internet is made for cats... Alicia sacrificed her fizzy drinks for the 4th of July for her jetpack... Lauren used some fabric rags to make flames, which was really clever... Riki did some awesome wings with LEDs in them... Phil made a Nyan Cat jetpack which he put on his cat and won (no offence to him, it was absolutely adorable and they all did amazingly)

"We've had 700 votes in" "Wow, 700 witnesses to this hot mess"

Thank you so much to everyone involved with the con, I had the time of my life and everything was incredible... and now we wait until the next con!

[snowbellewells]

Self Promo Sunday: “Strays Find a Way Home”

(I wrote this back before 5x21 aired, and so in the world of this story, Robin Hood lives. In this story's timeline, the funeral was Killian's, and his return was not right there at the cemetery. Also, I can't take total credit for this one, as I saw the prompt/idea on Tumblr a while back. There were a few people discussing, "what if Emma found this little black kitten with blue eyes like Killian's, she and Henry took it in, and it helped her deal with the loss of her pirate?" I hope no one feels any disrespect that I had to try it as well. The idea just rooted into my imagination and wouldn't leave! I've seen at least one other story from this idea, but I think this one is unique in its own way, and I hope you'll enjoy! Please let me know what you think – I'd love to hear your thoughts!)

And of course, they aren't mine, I only own my ideas and the fluff I want to give Killian and Emma a break to enjoy! ;)

"Strays Find a Way Home"

By: @snowbellewells 

Coming home from the funeral of her True Love is the sort of crushing blow Emma Swan could never have imagined herself enduring. Not so very long ago, she was completely alone, encased in her armor, tough, self-sufficient, and – if not happy – at least settled with her lot in life. Bail bondsperson Emma in her tiny apartment in Boston couldn't have envisioned her son, her parents, friends, and then a stubborn, charming, sexy, devoted pirate, working their way over her walls and making themselves at home in her forcibly expanded heart, but by extension, she'd also thought she was shielded from this level of pain. Now, her heart, which – no matter how hard she tries – still feels, is cleaved in two as surely as it was in a prison infirmary nearly fourteen years ago as her newborn was carried away where she couldn't follow. She had vowed never again… Yet, piece by piece her loved ones dismantled her inner stronghold and made themselves at home with her until she'd had no choice but to relent and return their affection.

Killian had done so more than any of them. She'd wanted to run from him and the feelings rushing back after a decade of disuse from the very moment she saw him as the dust cleared in that destroyed haven of the Enchanted Forest. She couldn't deny how fast her heart had beat when he bandaged her hand with his scarf atop the beanstalk, how tremors had run through her body as his fingers brushed her palm when he returned the bean allowing them to follow Henry to Neverland, how feverishly her blood had burned when she'd grasped his lapels in her fists and hauled him toward her in the midst of that thick, muggy jungle for their first kiss, or how sickeningly her stomach churned when the Snow Queen's jagged spikes of ice nearly pierced him, almost taking her infuriating rogue away from her. It made her crazy to be so attached to him, and she'd fought admitting it for so long, until the day her tears finally broke free as she fully accepted the inevitable when he had told her she was his happy ending. Killian had actually, however improbably, made her believe in the fairy tale, all of it: who she was, her magic, her family and her home, and his own love and devotion.

Now he was gone.

The service had been brief, but heartfelt, and Emma knew instinctively that Killian would have been moved by how many of the townsfolk were in attendance to mourn his loss. However nothing would have touched him more than the young man he had treated as his own son, than Henry's, show of both grief and bravery. Manfully, her boy had stood at her side, shedding only a few silent tears, almost as tall as she was and doing his best to lend support as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Both he and David had said a few words in Killian's honor, which the other attendees seemed to appreciate, though she couldn't seem to focus on anyone specifically, staring blankly at his headstone instead. Then her son had stepped forward, setting a perfect sailor's knot – one of the first Killian had taught him – on top of the marker. It was then that she had given Regina a beseeching look as the memorial concluded, and his other mother had convinced Henry to come to Granny's for the impromptu wake of sorts with her, Robin, Roland, and their baby girl, giving Emma a moment alone.

Her mom and dad had hesitated, Charming looking torn about leaving his "mate" there in that dusky, cold cemetery rain, finally admitting that their mission had failed, and Snow looking desperately as though she wanted to hover, to placate, to offer hope where Emma knew there was none. But at the look they saw in her eyes, both had halted and then told her they would wait for her in the truck before heading away from the fresh plot.

Once she was by herself, Emma stepped forward, wiping the moisture of the soft rain and tears from her face, no longer sure which were which as they blended while she stood in the drizzle and laid her hand on the marbled stone polished smooth, wishing that he could feel her touch and that she could still draw from his constant warmth. Reaching into the pocket of her dark coat, she pulled out and almost reverently cradled a small flask filled with rum. It wasn't his. They hadn't found it on his body, realizing belatedly that he hadn't been seen to pull it out for a drink nearly as often in his last few months. She had bought this one specifically for her purpose today, to leave as a final offering here in his last resting place. She'd had it engraved simply "K.J." in delicate, swooping script.

She raised the flask toward his marker, murmuring "Here's to you, Killian" in a final toast. "You were right, you know, I couldn't handle it." She almost smiled, remembering the challenge, the teasing, the sparks at their beginning, and all that had followed, when he had been continually at her side, helping her meet each new undertaking, even when she didn't know how or thought she had no more to give. That done, she brought the flask to her lips and took a long sip, letting the liquor travel down her throat, warming and lingering on her tongue and in her chest. Then, swallowing firmly and nodding to herself, admitting that there was nothing more for her here, no way that lingering would bring her pirate back, she tipped the flask, pouring the rest of the amber liquid out over the freshly turned earth, then placed the small, silver container at the base of his stone.

Whispering huskily, Emma bowed her head, wishing so desperately once more that she were not speaking at his grave, "You changed me, Pirate… more than I would have thought possible. It hurts…" she had to pause, gulping air for a moment until she could continue, "but…I won't go back. I won't shut the rest of them out…I promised you…and I'll keep it."

Nothing else to do, she touched her fingers to her lips, then pressed that semblance of a kiss to the etched letters of his name in cold, wet granite and turned to slowly walk away.

~~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn't until she stepped out of the truck, unfolding her shaking legs to touch down weakly on her front walk, and turned back to promise her parents she would speak to them later, that Emma registered anything else clearly through the vague fog of grief she'd slipped into after leaving behind what remained of her True Love here in this realm. She waved gamely, heaving a sigh of relief when they pulled away from the curb. She knew they only wanted to help, but she could barely breathe and stay standing, she couldn't remain stoic in others' presence much longer. With tired head bent and shoulders slumped, she made her way up the front steps of the white two-story and let herself in. Standing in the entryway and looking around at the house she had hoped the two of them, with Henry, would fill together with laughter and hope for the future they had earned, she nearly crumpled to her knees, feeling sobs she'd kept down for the last two hours rising up to consume her.

Frantically Emma stalked through the kitchen, down the hall, and out onto the screened back porch looking out over Storybrooke's small harbor, needing to escape from the interior of this place she now feared would never truly be a home. Of course, as she stood there feeling the chilled evening breeze on her flushed cheeks and blinking rapidly while she brought her breathing back under control, her eyes came to rest on the Jolly Roger docked proudly at the pier and a strangled cry tore from her throat. He was everywhere – inescapable – so much a part of her now, and yet not close enough for her to hold.

Clawing against the rising panic, sniffling and wiping away tears, she heard a small, plaintive cry that was not her own. Pausing, perking her ears up, and nearing the latched screen door to peer down the steps into the closest part of the backyard, Emma strained to catch the sound again. Sure enough, a pitiful little squeak, hovering barely audible over the sound of the wind and the rain falling on the roof, came to her ears once more. It cracked as though about to give out, while she strained to see anything in the gathering dusk. She held her breath, and the sound peeped up once more, seemingly almost underfoot, this time recognizable as the pleading, tiny "mew" of a lost cat.

For a brief moment, Emma caught the quick glimmer of an animal gaze near the bottom step, huddled in the barest shelter of the wooden stairs to the porch and a badly neglected rosebush. Quickly, she unlatched the door and descended the steps. Bending swiftly and hoping the thing wouldn't run, she reached out to scoop up a bedraggled, wet, and muddy bit of fur, so dirty it was impossible to tell its color, eyes matted so helplessly that it could barely open them enough to look up at her, though it tried, and nearly weightless in her gentle hold.

She spoke in a whisper, trying not startle it, and tucked the tiny kitten in her hands against the shelter of her chest, caring little for how dirty it was quickly turning her formal black attire; she would never be able to wear these things again anyway. "What are you doing out here all alone, little guy?" she asked, worried over how young and feeble it was.

Feeling a surge of protectiveness for someone worse off and needing comfort even more than she did, Emma was already back up the porch, latching the screen door, and through to the kitchen, on a mission now and glad for anything to divert her focus for at least a moment or two. "It's gonna be okay," she promised the slight, quivering bit of skin and bones she held. "We'll get you all fixed up."

Henry would be back after supper, and if nothing else, this little visitor would make him smile. She couldn't very well let the poor thing suffer out in the rain, and it was clearly starving. She could figure out what to do with it long term tomorrow…

Half an hour later, the kitten was washed and rinsed thoroughly in her kitchen sink full of warm, sudsy water, and Emma was drying him with an old hand towel until he gradually came to resemble the soft, fluffy, black ball of cuddly fur he was meant to be. Turning her attention to his eyes next, Emma found that where they had been firmly almost sealed closed before, that had softened now. Brushing gently, hoping the poor critter wouldn't panic and scratch her to bits, Emma used the corner of the towel to wipe the last of the matted gunk away and coax the kitten's eyes open.

A small, soft whine issued from its mouth in protest at her ministrations, but first one and then the other eye blinked open to peek out at her. Her heart ground to a halt as they did, her chest clenching painfully. Those eyes were startlingly blue – a clear, sparkling shade she’d thought she would never see again. With the inky black fur and those curious, knowing blue eyes studying her, Emma's mind flashed to Killian so viscerally it nearly sent her to her knees.

Gripping the edge of the countertop to steady herself, she forced several deep breaths, drawing air in and out of her tightened lungs. The kitten tilted its head, studying her with an oddly puzzled expression, and then ventured from the mound of terrycloth he had been swathed in by her drying efforts. Picking his way over to her on soft, silent feet, he looked up at Emma hopefully before dipping his head to rub against the back of her hand, letting out another tiny chirrup of sound.

It might well have been her own floundering emotions, but Emma sensed almost human concern in the creature's gaze, and she scratched behind its ear affectionately, managing a watery smile. She moved to scrounge up something the hungry cat could eat, already finding herself way too attached, and she couldn't help asking the quiet around them, as if somehow her lost Love would hear. "Killian, did you send him to me?"

~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Henry returned three hours later, the kitten had eaten some bread soaked in milk, nearly stealing each piece she had torn off the loaf from her fingers with his paws before she could get them into the bowl. Emma had forced herself to swallow down some soup, she had made an entire list of things to purchase for her small new charge at the store, and she and the new arrival were curled up on the couch watching Dark Angel on Netflix. The kitten had settled himself up high on her chest, his head tucked warmly under her chin as she stroked his downy fur, a steady, low purr emanating from his tiny body, vibrating against her skin.

She had been so relieved the little guy was with her in her loneliness all evening, his tiny body warm against hers where she had felt there would only be emptiness from now on – Killian's comforting heat whenever he'd held her close lost to her forever. Emma knew Henry would love their family's tiny addition, but the kitten was also already hers as much as Henry's.

Her son entered the living room quietly, clearly subdued in his own right as well as unsure of how he would find his mom. But as he came around the couch to sit with her, his eyes found the new arrival and his face lit up. A watery chuckle and a shake of the head accompanied his question of "Who's this?" as he reached out to stroke the soft, black fur.

"Henry," Emma grinned proudly, even if her eyes were still red from tears and the smile was fleeting, "meet Pirate."

~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~~

To Henry's credit, he didn't question the name, and by the following morning, the initial prompting of it at least became obvious when the kitten sitting beside him on the kitchen counter flicked out a paw and swatted his spoon away just as the teen reached for it to eat his cereal. "Hey!" Henry exclaimed, catching the kitten before it could get far while trying to pull the shiny metal object nearly as big as he was along behind. Henry picked Pirate up, scratching him under the chin for a second before plunking the kitten down in front of its own breakfast and retrieving the pilfered utensil.

When he moved into the living room where his aboveground version of the storybook sat open to a blank page, and he began attempting to record Captain Hook's last brave adventure while Killian Jones, the man behind the moniker - the man he had begun looking to as a father figure - was still at the forefront of his mind, before the details began to fade with time and healing, he found that his chosen pen was not where he left it. Curled up on the seat across from him – seemingly dozing – Pirate cracked one eye open warily, and Henry realized that the little thief had curled up on top of the pen, as though hoarding anything with shiny tips or pieces away for himself. The way that the small cat peered back at him in challenge arrested Henry right in the motion of picking him up and closed his throat thickly. If the kitten possessed a human face, Henry could clearly imagine one eyebrow being raised in an expression asking, "And just what do you plan to do about it, Lad?" More than the animal purloining things, Henry suddenly saw exactly why his mom named their cat as she did, and what he was doing here when she had never mentioned wanting a pet before. "I'll get another pen," Henry croaked hoarsely to the empty room, patting Pirate on the head as he stood.

~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~~

Emma had been afraid to even enter the bedroom that first night. She had spent so long as the Dark One just waiting, hoping for the time that she could sleep again, when she could truly rest safely in her own home. All those dreams and wishes were ruined, her hope of finally curling up in his arms shattered forever, and she dreaded her first night in their room where she knew she would not find peace.

However, as one, then two, then three days dawned, and she managed a restless hour or two here and there, Emma found her heart full of gratitude and affection for the errant fluff ball who’d found his way to she and Henry's doorstep. That first night, with rain pattering down on the roof and the vision of Killian's grave still haunting her mind, Emma had made a little bed of blankets and an old sweater for Pirate at the foot of the living room couch, and then snorted a laugh and let it go when Henry had turned his pleading gaze on her and carted makeshift bed, cat, and all to his room. She had been certain not a wink of sleep was coming to her anyway, and so she might as well allow her son all the comfort he could get.

Sure enough, the hours of the night crept by in the dark and yet her eyes remained open, trying to bring the beloved features that should be there resting on the pillow beside her up before her dry, sleepless eyes. She rolled over, staring at the ceiling dimly lit by the moon's glow, trying not to let tears start flowing again. All the times she had ached to get home at last and sleep for weeks, and she still could not experience the healing comfort of rest.

At that moment, when despair had begun to creep back in more insidiously than ever, she felt the impact of something landing on the bed near her feet. Surprised, Emma rose on her elbows to peer down, glimpsing the waving tip of a furry tail as Pirate disappeared under the blankets; she could see the bump in the covers moving and felt the brush of his fur against her leg as he moved further up the bed. When the little face popped out at the top again with a soft "mew" of greeting, batting at her chin and then bumping her nose with his affectionately, those unnaturally blue eyes blinking knowingly at her, her heart couldn't really ache much more than it already did, and so the resemblance seemed almost reassuring.

"What's the matter, Kitty? Is sleepy Henry boring you?" she'd asked playfully, wiggling a finger before him to bat at. "Poor Pirate."

Meowing again as if to agree with her, her kitten lay down on her chest, gazing back at her sweetly, and Emma gratefully felt a small smile slip over her lips.

When she woke the next morning curled on her side, the sun streaming in the window, she hadn't been surprised at all to find Pirate nestled on the pillow near her head. He might not have been the pirate she'd hoped to have with her in the morning light, but just as her captain would have, he had stayed by her side.

~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~

A week after Pirate came to them, Emma was sitting on the back steps, watching as her father and Henry returned to their swordplay lessons in the shade of the large oak tree about hallway down the yard. Their words of challenge, encouragement and advice came to her ears on the light breeze, mingled with their laughter and the cracks of the wooden practice swords making contact. Emma smiled fondly – if a bit bittersweetly – glad to see her dad and her son genuinely happy, even if Killian would have loved and deserved to be there too, would have treasured adding to the lesson and being part of the familial bonding. She clutched the ring still on a chain around her neck, missing him sharply again, though he was never far from her mind.

Pirate, who had been playing happily at her feet, suddenly pulled up short, standing stock still for a moment, then darted off like a shot. Emma turned, meaning to follow him, and already opening her mouth to call his name, but was then frozen in shock –

Standing at the corner of the house, looking winded, exhausted, and a bit worse for wear, but pleased and disbelieving, and with love in his eyes, stood Killian Jones, seeming solid and alive. For a moment, Emma couldn’t process the miracle she was seeing, couldn’t take in what was right before her eyes. She blinked, shaking her head to clear it, expecting him to fade away and disappear, as he had when she'd dreamed of his return so many times before.

Then his mouth opened and he spoke hoarsely, a crackling tone of uncertainty in the single word, "S-Swan?" He was still real and there in front of her as she stood, tears streaming down her face. Behind her she heard the sounds of swordplay breaking off and exclamations of surprise ringing out as David and Henry caught sight of him too. That all faded vaguely into the background though as she whispered, "Killian?" shakily and ran into his arms.

She crashed into him with the force of waves breaking against rocky shores in a storm, and they were both trembling so hard with emotion and relief that the impact sent them toppling to the grassy lawn together in a heap.

"Emma…my love," he breathed, awed, just before their lips met and then he was laughing, she was laughing, both shedding tears as they did and placing quick, roving kisses all over each other's faces, hands tracing over shoulders, arms, and necks.

Then Henry has flung himself to the ground with them, wrapping Killian in an exuberant, tight embrace as well, laughing and crying right along with them.

David was only a few steps behind his grandson, and just barely managed to hold back from falling into the pile of arms and legs locked in giddy embrace. The Prince found that tears were welling in his own eyes too at the sight of his daughter's hard won love and happy ending returned to her from beyond the grave. Eventually, Emma and Henry both eased off of Killian enough that David could offer his hand to help pull his friend back to his feet, and once Killian stood facing him, David's arm clasp quickly turned into a fierce "man hug" that Killian Jones did not hesitate even a second to return.

Apparently this was the moment that their small new member of the family decided to reappear and make sure no one ignored him. Darting back out of the rose bushes, Pirate streaked over to them, and before anyone saw him strike, latched his claws into Killian's leg, just below where the leather pants stopped and sunk his claws into the man's ankles.

"Oi! What the devil?!" Killian cried, jerking in startled pain and kicking his leg out to dislodge whatever assailed him. Looking down, they all saw Pirate sail over the grass a couple of feet and, after shaking his head briefly to regather his bearings, begin stalking back toward them.

"Oh no you don't!" Henry stooped to scoop the kitten up and hold him to his chest as he showed Killian his furry attacker face to face. "Killian, this is Pirate. He must have gotten jealous at being left out."

"Pirate, eh?" Killian asked, arching a brow sidelong at Emma. Gamely, he reached out to brush a gentle finger over the kitten's forehead, and just like that, the little thing stared up at him, charmed as everyone else by the man before him. Looking at Emma once more, while still lightly stroking the kitten's fur, her sailor’s voice went softer, aching, though he tried to make the words lighthearted. "Missed me that much did you, Lass?"

Emma had to swallow hard around the lump in her throat even to rasp out her answer, "You know that I did." She was hovering at his elbow, clearly not wanting to let him even an inch out of her reach, and Killian gravitated like a magnet to her in return, always leaning toward her.

David remembered his own and Snow's early days together, when one thing after another seemed constantly determined to separate them, and he understood all too well. It wasn't long before he was promising to see his mate again soon, giving his daughter a kiss on the forehead and making himself scarce so that this little fledgling family could re-acclimate itself and he could go home to tell Snow the good news. Emma chuckled despite watery eyes, her arm threaded through Killian's and her head leaning on his shoulder as Henry urged him inside, anxious to show the man how he had written his quest with Arthur in the Underworld, and to show Killian what he had done with his new room.

Looking back over his shoulder once more just before he turned the corner of the house, David smiled in contentment at the sight of the three of them climbing the back steps together, nothing else mattering in this world but their reunion. It was all he’d ever wanted for them.

~~~~~~~~~~CS~~~~~~~~~

That night as Emma got ready for bed she couldn’t remember when she'd ever felt so free, so light, so unaccountably happy that it almost scared her. She couldn’t help fearing when it might all be taken from her again. Stepping back into the master bedroom from her attached bath, one of Killian's formerly retired black pirate shirts skimming her mid-thigh as she gathered her hair into a ponytail, Emma smirked at the sight that greeted her.

Killian sat on the bed, looking adorably comfy and yet somehow still unfairly sexy in grey sweatpants and a plain, white t-shirt. What fully completed the picture was Pirate purring happily on his lap, rubbing his head against her love's fingers, eyes closed in bliss as Killian scratched behind his ears. The kitten's tail switched back and forth playfully, lapping up her man's attention, and Killian was grinning down at the cat indulgently. When he glanced up again to catch her eyes, his were twinkling, and his grin was wide and bright, making her heart flutter.

Padding barefoot across the carpet to stand before him, Emma delved her hands into his thick dark hair, brushing her thumbs over his temples. Killian tilted his head back to gaze up at her adoringly, devastating smile on his face gleaming with mischief and love, hand and hook trailing over the back of her knees as she came to a stop before him. His mouth fell open, simply relishing her touch and the moment. Then a grin lifted one corner of his mouth, he licked his lips salaciously and asked, "See something you like, Swan?"

Her breath hitched, her hand on his chest pushing him to recline slightly and following him with her own body. Pirate was unseated and spit unhappily, hopping off the bed and flattening his ears back in irritation, glowering at them from the floor in affront, as if they had insulted him personally and Emma had just stolen his new favorite human. His blue eyes narrowed as he studied them both, and it was suddenly all Emma can do not to burst out laughing at how much the kitten's expression resembled Killian's offense when someone calls the Jolly Roger a mere 'boat'.

Trailing her finger through the enticing dark hair peeking from the vee'd neck of his shirt, she leaned in to trace along Killian's cheek with her nose, biting her lower lip lightly in anticipation. Nodding as she stared deep into his eyes, she replied. "Oh, I see something I like, alright."

"Well, then, Love, what do you plan to do about it?" he bantered back.

"Plenty," she assured, snapping her fingers to douse the lights. However, she then curled into him, arms wrapping around him tightly, her body language practically begging him to do the same. "For the rest of our lives," she added emphatically, "but for tonight. Will you just hold me?.. Please?"

Killian swallowed hard at her words, hearing the devastation she had been living with in her voice and knowing its echo from how he had felt below, thinking she was lost to him and that he had no hope of ever reaching her again. "Aye, Emma, I can do that."

His eyes had adjusted just enough that after she sighed in relief, and they lay together for several quiet moments, legs entangled, her head on his chest, his fingers running through her hair, he could see her wink before she stole the last word. "By the way, you get to tell Pirate he can't have your pillow anymore."

Tagging a few who may enjoy: @kmomof4 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @searchingwardrobes @jennjenn615 @therooksshiningknight @scientificapricot @bmbbcs4evr @spartanguard @laschatzi @hollyethecurious @drowned-dreamer @resident-of-storybrooke @ilovemesomekillianjones @winterbaby89 @hollyethecurious @artistic-writer @effulgentcolors @let-it-raines @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @branlovestowrite 

[dargeereads]

COCKY HERO CLUB

Release Date: May 17, 2020

Vi Keeland and Penelope Ward are excited to bring you the Cocky Hero Club: original works from various authors inspired by Keeland and Ward's New York Times bestselling Cocky Bastard series.

COCKY DUKE

BY ANNABELLE ANDERS

Mrs. Ambrosia Bloomington, now a widow, is ready to start a new life amongst Mayfair elites without the overarching reach of her late husband, Mr. Harrison Bloomington.  With her trunks loaded safely onto her own private carriage, she’s ready to face the world as an independent woman in Regency London.

She does not, however, bargain for cocksure Frenchman, Mr. Charles Cochran Bateman coming along and turning her very ordinary journey into the adventure of a lifetime.

She does not bargain for his laughter, his enthusiasm, nor his Joie de vie.

And blast and fiddlesticks, she certainly is not expecting to experience the sparks that charge the air between them.

And, it seems, apparently, neither is he…

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MOTHER CLUCKER

BY CAT JOHNSON

They say opposites attract, but in this case, they might just combust . . .

HEATHER

Hermosa Beach seems to be the place for throwing together unlikely opposites.

My rooster Rowdy and his new crush, Pixy the goat.

Me and the obnoxiously cocky cowboy from Texas . . .

But unlike Rowdy and Pixy, there’s no way I’m going to fall for David Strickland.

Nope. Not gonna happen. I could never be with a man so completely opposed to everything I believe . . . no matter how hot he is.

DAVID

There couldn’t be two people more different than the beautiful little tree hugger and rooster rescuer Heather and me.

We can’t agree on anything, except that we disagree on everything—some times more heatedly than other times. And believe me, things are starting to heat up between us, in more ways than one.

She's the last thing I expected to find at an animal shelter in California. But now I found her, I have no intention of letting her go.

I just have to get her on board with that plan.

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SECRET KEEPER BY CHRISTOPHER HARLAN

She was the fruit of a forbidden tree, but nothing in this world was going to stop me from tasting her.

My name is Dylan Murphy, and I work for the rich and powerful of an exclusive Manhattan building. Graham Morgan was my first boss, but soon after I was working with some of the most famous entrepreneurs, business moguls, and movie stars in the city. They trusted me because I always followed the cardinal rules:

Never betray secrets. And never, under any circumstance, get personally involved.

I’d never dreamed of violating my professional mantra.

Not until she walked past me.

The look we exchanged that night set my body on fire, and I knew right then and there that no matter the consequences, she was going to be mine. But she was one of them—off limits and out of my league, but she was the kind of woman who I was willing to risk everything for.

I keep other people’s secrets for a living, but the biggest secret of all might be my own.

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COCKY CAPTAIN

BY ELLIE MASTERS

Ex-fighter pilot, Logan Reid, is exactly the kind of man I despise. He’s a cocky jet jock, a former Navy Blue Angel, and full of all the arrogance that comes with being the best of the best.

I’m an ex-Zoomie, an Air Force tanker pilot. The rivalry between our sister services is nothing compared to that between fighter jocks and tanker pilots. We’re bitter rivals and I’m low-man (woman) on the totem pole

The last thing I need is to spend six hours at thirty-five thousand feet locked in a cockpit with the cocky captain. But I have no choice. I’m his co-pilot, and we’re taking the CEO of Montague Enterprises, and his family, on a mini-vacation to the Grand Caymans.

We have three days on the ground before we fly back.

Three long days in paradise and he wants to spend them all with me.

I have a thing for fighter pilots.

It isn’t animosity, exactly, but rather a deep-seated dislike. They get all the glory while the rest of us sit at the butt end of their jokes and wither beneath their ridicule.

I hate fighter pilots. There, I said it. I hate the arrogant pricks with a passion.

But after one look into those magnetic eyes, and the devastating wink which follows, I’m thinking of throwing caution to the wind. What harm can come from some innocent flirting? Besides, it’s not as if my job is at risk.

I’m not prepared for the air to sizzle when he’s close.

I’m not ready for our explosive chemistry when he touches my skin.

I’m not equipped for the fallout when our three days come to an end.

And I never expected to fall in love.

But all good things come to an end.

I wasn’t prepared when I walked away.

And I wasn’t ready for what came next.

He’s arrogant.

He’s cocky.

He’s determined to get what he wants.

And he’s refuses  to let this end.

He’s fighting for a forever…with me.

But, I’m not ready for our beginning.

He’s arrogant enough to prove me wrong.

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SEXY SUIT

BY J.H. CROIX

When I met Ryan, I might’ve been trying to break into his basement.

It was for a good cause. I swear. Also, my dog broke in first.

Ryan Blake is jaw-dropping handsome, wealthy & cocky. Not quite my type. By some miracle, he doesn’t call the police on me when he catches me trying to rescue my dog. He even fetches a doctor for me. Don’t ask why.

I don’t figure I’ll see him again. Then, I do. Then, he kisses me. Once. Twice. Is three times the charm? To be honest, I swooned at the first kiss.

All swooning aside, we are seriously opposites. I wear cowboy boots and skirts. He wears suits and ties. He’s all New York City. I’m a Southern girl looking for a new start. We even talk at different speeds.

The list of things I don’t expect from Ryan is long. I don’t expect him to think twice about me. I don’t expect him to nearly bring me to my knees with a look. I don’t expect him to be so much more than I ever imagined.

I absolutely don’t expect to fall for him. So hard I’m skidding sideways just to catch my balance.

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WICKED BEDMATE BY JENIKA SNOW

Getting fired and humiliated in front of everyone at my newly acquired secretarial job at Morgan Financial Holdings wasn’t how I’d seen my day going.

And then chaos—or maybe luck—ensured.

I was set up on a blind date, shocked that my former boss was giving me a month’s severance, and had the perfect interview lined up.

Maybe things were looking up for me after all.

And although finding a man should have been on the bottom of my to-to list, I couldn’t get Jason—the uber sexy blind date—out of my head. Sexy and confident—or maybe arrogant—he had me yearning for more with just a smoldering look and a smirk of his lips.

But when a night of drinking leads to getting in bed with him and having the wildest, most intense night of my life, I didn’t know if I should ask to see him again, or do the good old walk of shame.

And it’s when I walk into my interview the next day and come face-to-face with my prospective employer that the reality of my situation sinks in.

Because there, sitting across from me with that devilish smile on his face, that knowing expression of what we’d done the night before, is the one and only Jason, my supposedly one-night stand.

Looked like my humiliation wasn’t over just yet.

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LUCKY BASTARD BY KAYLEE RYAN

Emma

When my best friend Aubrey asked me to tag along to an event with her, I never could have imagined that it would be the day that my life changed forever.

He’s arrogant and demanding and doesn’t take a hint. Landon Barker, the quarterback for the Hermosa Beach Trojans, is a player on and off of the field. He’s got his sights set on me as his next play, but I see right through him. Aubrey says I’m overreacting, that I should give him a chance. What she doesn’t realize is men like Landon don’t fall for the girl next door. That’s not reality. She got her fairytale, although it was a long road. Not all of us are that lucky.

Landon

She’s a friend of our new kicking coach’s wife. When I ask Chance for her number, he tells me I have to find a way to get it myself.

Nothing when it comes to Emma has been easy. She’s the first woman ever to turn me down, and that won’t do. However, as time passes, it’s about more than that. It’s about her smile, her laugh, and just spending time with her. She thinks I’m a player, and she’s right. What she doesn’t know is that I play to win, and her heart is the ultimate trophy.

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COCKSURE ACE BY K WEBSTER

I’m a fighter.

At least that’s what my daddy always told me.

It’s in our blood.

Hard work, hustle, and a little Hennessey is the Reid motto.

He taught me to fight for everything I wanted in life.

Take down those who threaten the dream.

My dream is to marry the perfect man.

That man is my father’s best friend and I won’t stop until I have him.

And at Daddy’s wedding in Costa Rica, I plan to make that dream finally come true.

Then, my life will be smooth sailing.

Until a chance flight with an arrogant pilot throws me off course. 

Literally. 

Camilo’s decisions affect my future, and I can’t allow anything—not even a cocksure, ridiculously hot idiot—to stand in my way.

Problem is, he fights back.

Every battle I’ve won in life, he shoots down and exposes me for the fraud I am.

Trapped in paradise with my devilishly handsome nemesis seems like one of the seven circles of Hell…and, boy, is it getting hot around here. 

He’ll strip me of my armor.

Remind me of my past.

Force me to rethink my future.

And help me live in the moment.

Will he steal my heart too?

One thing’s for sure.

This girl won’t give up without a fight.

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CLUTCH PLAYER BY NIKKI ASH

Harper

I fell in love when I was sixteen. Landon was my entire world and I thought he would be my forever. But I was young and dumb, and with one error in judgement, I destroyed any chance of a future we could’ve had together, along with our hearts.

Twelve years later and I’m going through the motions of life, but not actually living. Which is why I let my friends, Bridget and Simon, set me up on a blind date. Turns out, it’s not so blind after all. Because the man sitting in front of me is the same man who’s held onto my heart all these years.

Landon

They call me a Clutch Player because I’m good under pressure and quick on my feet. I was also quick to fall in love. The first time it was with baseball, the second was with Harper. And for a short time I had them both.

Until I lost Harper and all I had left was baseball.

For years, I focused on my career. I had accepted that baseball was my one true love.

Until I saw her again. I never imagined we’d ever get a second chance, but now that she’s sitting right across from me, I know there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her go again.

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SEXY SCOUNDREL BY RAISA GREYWOOD

Carlina Perez is in way over her head. Unexpectedly jobless and fostering an exotic pet with an insatiable appetite, this pastry chef needs a new gig faster than she can whip up a batch of scones.  But when she’s tapped to serve as the personal chef to a haughty tabloid regular, she only considers the job out of sheer desperation. After all, Giorgio Acardi may be filthy rich and intoxicatingly handsome, but he’s also a first class scoundrel.

Giorgio Acardi has it all:  money, fame, an endless string of beautiful companions, and the respect of his colleagues and rivals. From the outside looking in, his life is perfect. So perfect, in fact, that he’s even got his eye on a new personal chef. She’s talented and gorgeous, and it shouldn’t make a difference whether she hates him or not as long as she does the job. But there’s something about Carlina that Giorgio just can’t resist, and he hasn’t enjoyed success by backing down from a challenge.

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[floralseokjin]

A series of hook ups with Kim Seokjin, the college’s biggest fuckboy…

↳ the index [ bonus #8 the sext ]

pairing; kim seokjin x reader genre/warnings; humour, jin sucks at sexting wordcount; 658

author’s note; read here for an explanation lmao 

Seokjin [8:22pm]  — [image loading] — Come over my dog wants to see u and so does my dick 

When your phone buzzed you hadn’t been expecting the photo of Jin sharing the screen with a furry animal you’d never seen before, but there he was. Staring straight into the camera way too cutely for a “sext.” He needed to work on his sexting game. You needed to tell him. 

You [8:24pm]  — that’s not your dog  — also u suck at sexting 

You were quite curious as to who would trust Seokjin with their dog. He’d shown you countless videos of his family dog disobeying him. Even nearly biting his fingers off at one point. It was safe to say animals hated him. You were sure. 

Seokjin [8:24pm]  Am not

You [8:24pm]  are too

Why were dogs and dicks being typed in the same sentence? The selfie would have sufficed. He could’ve gone through the cute route to fucking. Not the weird. 

Seokjin [8:25pm]  — How do you know I didn’t just get a dog  — The girl I’m fucking has refused to see me all week so I have to resort to bribery

Bribery? What was he on about? If I let you stroke this dog, will you fuck me? That was never going to work on you. It wouldn’t work on any girl. 

You [8:25pm]  — that makes no sense  — and i told you i had projects due this week !!  — also  — i prefer cats 

That much was true. If he was trying to “bribe” you or “tempt” you or whatever, then it should’ve been a cute kitty. You’d never leave his place. Although, thinking about it... it had been a week since you’d last seen him, a couple of days since you’d last spoken to him actually. Maybe now that the stress of assignments and finals were out the window you guys could get back to normal. Things had been weird lately, but you knew one thing for sure, you were getting withdrawals. Kim Seokjin withdrawals. Ew. You’d never confess that, but you hoped he’d missed you too… 

Seokjin [8:26pm]    — FUCK SAKE  — Now I need to find a friend with a cat 

Jesus. Who was the friend that had trusted him enough to loan the dog? You did not want to meet him. Guy was pimping out the poor thing just so his friend could get sex. 

You [8:26pm]  — fraid so 

Seokjin [8:27pm]  — Butttt..... I already have a cat of my own  —come over let me stroke that pussy 

You [8:28pm]  — GROSS HSJSJSJ  — what is wrong with you?!  — i’m coming over just to give u a lesson in sexting 

Stroke that pussy had to be the least sexy thing in the world. Even more so knowing he was calling you a cat! If he was about to confess he was into pet play, or worse, that he was a furry, you were sorry, but it was over. You were out and taking your pussy with you.

You were still agreeing to come over though. You’d been so busy this week you hadn’t even had time to masturbate. He could “stroke” you for however long he liked.   And eat you. Fuck you... 

Okay, you were sitting up from bed already and trying to find clothes. Fuck the clothes, pyjamas would do just fine. You wouldn’t be in them for long anyway. 

Seokjin [8:29pm]  — UGH FINALLY  — Should I be naked and waiting? 

That was not a joke. He’d be naked and waiting 100%. It wasn’t like you hadn’t seen him stretched out full frontal before now, ready for you to jump his bones. Because Kim Seokjin might be an idiot, but he was also hot and funny, and sexy, and he had the biggest dick you’d ever seen, and it made you feel so good, and... Okay, you’d stop. You were delirious from no sex. 

You [8:30pm]  — Yes  — and make sure to get rid of the dog 

You were not taking any chances.  

Written 2019. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

[clairebeauchampfan]

Meeeow! Why are we obsessed with cats?

Claws out! Why pop culture clings to the crazy cat lady

Lucy Jones, The Guardian newspaper

Mon 16 Apr 2018 16.48 BST

For years, women with cats have been portrayed as lonely, sexless and eccentric – but why does this stereotype endure? And can millennial ailurophiles reclaim the purr-jorative?

Did you hear the story about the old woman from Ohio who was arrested for training her 65 cats to steal her neighbour’s stuff? The Columbus police department found thousands of dollars’ worth of jewellery in the 83-year-old lady’s house and discovered she taught the cats to bring back “anything that shined”.

The news story went viral at the end of last year. How do you picture her? Unkempt hair, dressing gown and slippers, living alone, rarely leaving the house? The “crazy cat lady”, in other words. In fact, the story was fiction on a satirical website, but people bought it and shared the story thinking it was real.

The crazy cat lady is a common, recognisable trope in contemporary culture: think of Eleanor Abernathy in The Simpsons. After a promising career in medicine and law, she experiences burnout, starts drinking and gets a cat. Next minute, she’s talking gibberish, looking dishevelled and throwing her army of felines around. Then there’s Robert De Niro’s predictably bonkers elderly Christmas cat lady in a 2004 Saturday Night Live skit: she “had dreams and then she was kicked by a horse and now she has cats. The end!”

The younger version of the stereotype is usually associated with being single, kooky and weird; after her relationship with Carol Burnett comes to a head, 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon acquires a cat. “I can fit Emily Dickinson’s whole head in my mouth,” she tells a concerned Jack Donaghy. You can even buy a Crazy Cat Lady action figure online, complete with deranged, staring eyes.

To understand why this trope exists – and why it may be on its last legs – let’s scoot back to the middle ages and the earliest perceptions of women and their cats. Even before witch-hunts, cats had a bad rep in the western world – with associations with heretical sects and the devil. Medieval types conflated feline sex lives with lustful, sinful, female sexuality: cats were seen as “lecherous animals that actively wheedled the males on to sexual congress”, according to the historian James Serpell. Although, in recent pop culture, cat lady has evolved into shorthand for a lonely, sad, sexless woman. Too sexy, not sexy enough: can’t please ’em.

The earliest cat ladies in the west were, of course, witches. In Malleus Maleficarum, the landmark medieval treatise on witchcraft, a 13th-century folk story is recounted, whereby three witches turned themselves into cats, attacked a man on the street and accused him of assault in court, showing the marks on their bodies. From then on, witches were believed to have cats as familiars, or to change into felines at night.

Why would cats get such a satanic rep? We can only guess. Cats are mysterious. They come and go. Unlike dogs, they refuse to obey and be domesticated. They’re nocturnal. The Ancient Egyptians worshipped Bastet, a woman with a head of a cat. Although the Bible does not specifically mention cats, early Christian pilgrims were highly suspicious of other religions, and they deemed the black cat to be so demonic that being seen with one could be punishable by death.

Although the 18th century saw people beginning to question superstitions – such as the belief that a woman’s wart was a teat suckled by Satan – negative connotations of the relationship between cats and women remained. The Victorians switched witches for old-maid stereotypes – for single women without children: “Old maids and cats have long been proverbially associated together, and, rightly or wrongly, these creatures have been looked upon with a certain degree of suspicion and aversion by a large proportion of the human race,” wrote a journalist in the Dundee Courier in 1880. The Old Maid card game was often illustrated with a dour woman and her cat, the “friend of the friendless”, as it was described at the time. In the 1900s, anti-suffragette propaganda used images of cats to portray women as silly, useless, catty and ridiculous in their attempt to enter political life.

The inception of the “crazy” moniker is harder to pin down, but its connotations of hysteria are an old gender stereotype. Added to this, the extreme end of the modern “crazy cat lady” stereotype has more than a few cats, which is unusual. Eleanor Abernathy, for example, has cats dripping off her: she is, essentially, portrayed as a mentally ill, alcoholic, compulsive hoarder.

There may be some truth in the idea that animal hoarding is more common in women. A study in Brazil found that, while generalised hoarding disorder affects men and women equally, nearly three-quarters of animal hoarders were women. Since 2013, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders classifies compulsive hoarding as a psychiatric disorder, with animal hoarding as a subtype.

Another recent theory is to do with a parasite called toxoplasma gondii. This tiny critter infects rats and mice and changes their behaviour by, scientists believe, creating an attraction to cat urine, so it can wind up in the stomach of a cat, where it reproduces. It also infects between 30% and 60% cent of people. Scientists are exploring evidence that toxoplasmosis could create behavioural changes in people, leading to lots of excited articles wondering if the parasite is a clue to explaining the phenomenon of “crazy cat lady”. The parasite contains an enzyme that creates dopamine, which is associated with risky and impulsive behaviour, among other things, but so far the data is inconclusive.

But, really, the concept of the crazy cat lady tells us more about societal perceptions of women than anything else. It has long been a pejorative term and a device for transferring shame and judgment on women who challenged traditional roles, or were hard to domesticate and keep in line. Here is the co-creator of Batman, Bob Kane, explaining his creation of Cat Woman: “I felt that women were feline creatures and men were more like dogs. While dogs are faithful and friendly, cats are cool, detached and unreliable … cats are as hard to understand as women are,” he said. “You always need to keep women at arm’s length. We don’t want anyone taking over our souls, and women have a habit of doing that.”

But millennial ailurophiles have had enough. Over the last few years, there have been multivalent efforts to debunk the crazy cat lady stereotype and project a positive view of women and their cats. Pussy is striking back.

From glossy fashion magazines celebrating the feline-human relationship – Cat People, Puss Puss – to Taylor Swift and Katy Perry’s unashamed adoration of their feline pets, the stereotype is being recalibrated. CatCon Worldwide, a new conference celebrating cat culture, has, as its core value, the desire to “change the negative perception of the crazy cat lady and prove that it is possible to be hip, stylish, and have a cat”.

The book Cat Lady Chic (2012) offered elegant images of cat-owners Audrey Hepburn, Georgia O’Keeffe, Diana Ross and Zelda Fitzgerald as an antidote to the Eleanor Abernathy archetype. And Girls & Their Cats, a sophisticated series of photographs of women and their feline companions, was created by Brooklyn-based fashion photographer BriAnne Wills to help dismantle the stereotype.“It just wasn’t representative of any of the cat ladies I personally knew, who are all independent, cool, career-driven women who really love their cats,” she said. “Also, there are more than a million cats euthanised each year so if women (and men) are afraid to adopt because of negative stereotypes it definitely hurts cats in the long run.”

In the memorable short story Cat Person (2017), Kristen Roupenian inverts the cat lady trope by giving her male protagonist, Robert, a couple of pet cats. She employs the presence of Robert’s felines as a symbol that Margot uses to construct her image of him. “We decide that it means something that a person likes cats instead of dogs,” said Roupenian in an interview. But there is something sinister going on. Margot never sees the cats, and wonders if Robert has lied about them. So what is it about pretending to have cats that might endear Margot to him in a sexual setting? Is he using his cats to lure her in?

But perhaps the moment the crazy cat lady motif truly jumped the shark was with the song Buttload of Cats on an episode of the television series Crazy Ex-Girlfriend earlier this year. Rebecca Bunch walks herself down to the Lonely Lady Cat Store. “The smell is overwhelming inside / This is the future smell of my house / It’s the smell of my dreams that have died,” she sings. “When you’re a permanent bachelorette / It’s mandatory that you go out and get / A buttload of cats / Oh, yeah!”

The song made a mockery of the hysteria projected on women who own cats. So is the notion of the crazy cat lady over? Wills believes there is still work to be done to change perceptions, but she hopes that her photography project will help. “It is 2018,” she says, “and women are tired of defending themselves.” And their love for their cats.

AND I LOVE CATS TOO. ESPECIALLY SIAMESE (but my dog hates them) 

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #185 - The Princess Diaries

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: I think so.

Do I remember it: I remember that it exists and that I saw it.

Did I see it in theaters: No

Format: Blu-ray

This film was nominated by @princessofsunnydale for my first Epic Movie (Re)Watch poll, so it only feels right that I should dedicate it to her.

1) I have not watched this film in AT LEAST 10 years. It’s probably closer to 12 or 13 (although I do remember the soundtrack well because I own it). So in a lot of ways this like a first viewing.

2) There’s a nice sense of place which is immediately established around Mia’s home. It helps establish the character of both her and her mother with their eccentricities and charm.

3) Wait? This was produced by Whitney Houston? Huh.

4) Sandra Oh is in this?

Wow, the things you don’t notice as a child.

5) This is very telling of Mia’s experience at high school.

Mia: “Someone sat on me again.”

6) Anne Hathaway as Mia.

Immediately Hathaway is able to show off and incredible honesty when portraying Mia. You see her shyness and clumsiness wonderfully. But she’s not JUST the stereotypical of an awkward teenage girl. You see where Mia is comfortable, where she’s not, and that’s nice. Hathaway plays all facets of Mia’s personality wonderfully well, bringing a wonderful inquisitiveness and hart to what is the strong base of the film.

7) Ugh, this crap.

Queen Clarisse [upon seeing Mia for the first time]: “You look so [pause as she tries to find a compliment for her appearance] young.”

The trope of, “girl who is not traditionally beautiful absolutely NEEDS a makeover so her outer beauty matches her inner beauty,” can die a horrible and painful death. What the heck is wrong with Mia? She wars glasses, she has big hair, and eyebrows which are compared to Brooke Burke’s. What the heck is wrong with Brooke Burke? I’m tired of films making it seem like this isn’t attractive. I think Mia is GORGEOUS even before her transformation.

8) If this line isn’t iconic for my generation I don’t know what is.

(GIFs originally posted by @animations-daily​)

9) I like that Mia loses her shit instead of being like, “Oh, I’m a princess! My life is a fairytale!” She realizes the real world implications of this and the pressure it puts on her.

Mia: “Just in case I’m not enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara!”

10) According to IMDb:

Mia's cat, Fat Louie, was Anne Hathaway's pet in real-life. Four different cats played the role. One who allowed people to carry it, one who could sit still, another who would jump, and the last one, who sits on the envelope at the end of the movie.

11) Julie Andrews as Queen Clarisse.

Julie Andrews is a legend of cinema and brings the same kind of focus to her role as Queen Clarisse as she would to Mary Poppins. Clarisse is good at being a formal stuck in the mud while also being warm and sympathetic. You can see her heart, the empathy she has, and it is not that much of a stretch for her relationship with Mia to grow into another strong fundamental of this movie. It’s a stand out performance in the film and a nice addition to the veteran actresses’ resumé.

12) Um…what!?

Queen Clarisse: “You have a cousin who’s a Contessa. Formerly known as Bartholomew. Actually we call him Pookie.”

I had to google this to make sure a Contessa is always a woman and they are. And this might not be a big deal NOW but I am pleasantly surprised to see that they referenced the fact Mia has a transgender cousin in a 2001 Disney film (even if there was a pronoun slip).

13) Hector Elizondo as Joe.

Elizondo is director Garry Marshall’s lucky charm and features in nearly all of the director’s films. He’s pretty amazing in this, able to play Joe as someone who is intimidating and professional but WILDLY sympathetic to Mia. You can tell he cares for her and Queen Clarisse deeply even if he’s not showing it in the most massive of ways. It’s quiet but deep and at times very moving. Also he’s a badass.

Lily: “You know you look like Shaft?”

Joe: “Yes.”

14) This is an interesting visual I wish had been explored a bit more. Why is this guy so obsessed with M&M’s?

15) If I haven’t said it before, Mia is pretty cool. She knows cars, art, has a wonderful sense of humor, is a rock climber, and just a wonderfully well rounded/full breathing character.

16) One of the most underrated small characters in this film is Mia’s gym teacher.

Mia [playing soccer]: “I can’t do this, I’m a girl.”

Gym Teacher Harbula: “What am I, a duck!?”

17) I have a fundamental philosophical issue with putting such emphasis on being “proper” and all that crap. Who determines what is “proper” and why is looking a certain way, standing a certain way, and sitting a certain way so much more important than treating people well? I hate that.

18) The relationship Joe has with Clarisse is VERY nice, but according to IMDb:

The on-screen relationship between Queen Clarisse Renaldi (Julie Andrews) and Joseph (Hector Elizondo) was not scripted. The dance scene, and the underlying affection was added by the two. According to Hector Elizondo, "We felt that a romance after fifty was important to tell, and it can be sensual and sexy while keeping your clothes on."

19) Larry Miller as Paolo.

Miller is another frequent collaborator with director Garry Marshall and an incredible character actor, stealing the entire film with his scene as Paolo. Committed absolutely to his character, Miller has a lot of fun in an absolutely hysterical role. I don’t remember most of the fine details of this film but I remember Paolo.

20) The makeover scene - while key and possibly iconic to a lot of people - ties into what I talked about in note #7.

Paolo: “You will be beautiful!”

She already IS beautiful you jerk! Why are glasses ugly? Why is her bushy hair ugly? And of course, this crap!

Queen Clarisse [after Mia’s makeover]: “Better, much better.”

NO! NOT BETTER! DIFFERENT! NOT WORSE, BUT WHY IS THIS BETTER!? IT’S JUST DIFFERENT!

21) Similarly, Lily giving Mia crap for her new look is really crummy behavior from a best friend.

Lily: “Oi. Who destroyed you.”

Lily is a fundamentally bad friend in these moments. She shouldn’t judge Mia for her makeover anymore than Queen Clarisse should judge Mia for her pre-makeover look. Basically: don’t judge people for their appearance, whether they meet traditional standards of beauty or not. Let them look however the heck they want to look.

(GIF originally posted by @marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer)

22) I love this line.

23) One thing I love in films is when they embrace the visual medium. We see Mia talking to Lily, we don’t hear what she says, but we KNOW. We don’t need to hear. The message is: Lily knows everything the audience does now and she’s excited!

24) I kinda get high school bullies, but also not really. Is your self esteem so low that you really need to consistently make other people miserable/get them in trouble to feel better about yourself? For example: why does Mandy Moore so passionately call Mia out for wearing a hat JUST to get her in trouble. Mia is not hurting anyone and if the teacher cared enough he’d have already asked her not to wear it. It’s just stupid.

25) The biggest problem with this film I would say is the pacing. There are a number of scenes - specifically, princess lesson scenes - which are fun but don’t add to any of the characters or plot. They’re a little self indulgent. HOWEVER, they are also the most memorable scenes in the movie so cutting them would be a mistake. So I’m not sure what to say, actually. I’m just going to move on.

26) Wow. These films are so gay (not in a derogatory sense but in an actual homosexual sense).

Paolo [after the press learns Mia is a princess]: “I outed you! So to speak. I don’t mean to imply -”

FYI: I’d be so okay if Mia were gay or bi or anything. I need more representation in my life.

27) Things you don’t pick up on as a child.

Teacher Over PA: “Will the feng shui club please stop rearranging the tables on the front lawn?”

28) This was NOT scripted but instead a mistake made by Anne Hathaway that she rolled with.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

29) Man, Joe just has a ton of great advice.

Joe [after Mia asks if she should quite being a princess]: “No one can really quite being who they are.”

30) According to IMDb:

When Mia accidentally sets the man's arm on fire, the flames were supposed to go out when he puts his arm in the ice bucket, but they didn't. Anne Hathaway panicked and threw the glass of water on it, which was not scripted.

31) Okay, throughout this film and its sequel I find that I am constantly impressed with how supportive the Prime Minister of Genovia is of Mia.

Prime Minister’s Wife [after Mia eats too much of the frozen cream]: “She didn’t realize it was frozen!”

Prime Minister: “Well what should we do?”

Prime Minister’s Wife: “We should do the same!”

[The eat as much frozen cream as Mia and begin to imitate her.]

32) The day out Mia and Clarisse have together is loads of fun. It really shows the development of their relationship and just how deep a connection they have. How Clarisse is able to forget being proper now and then because Mia comes first as her granddaughter. It’s a truly wonderful sequence.

33) Also, major props to the amount of BS-ing Clarisse pulled to get Mia out of trouble with the police. SHE MAKES UP A KNIGHTHOOD ON THE SPOT AND THEY’RE SO FLATTERED THEY LET MIA BE!!! I love that.

34) Oh Mia…

Josh: “I hate phony publicity seekers.”

Don’t fall for that Mia! The guy didn’t even pay attention to Mia before she was a princess and now he’s all over her. Mia’s mom even observes that he was never nice to her! And I know this is a film and this creates conflict, but ugh it just hurts.

35) I DO remember the foot pop! It’s like the thing I remember the most!

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

36) Okay, let’s recap. Mia goes to the beach with a guy who she thinks likes her. Mia is used by the guy to get famous. Mia is harassed and stalked by paparazzi. Mia tries to take shelter in a changing booth. Mandy Moore exposes Mia’s naked body to the paparazzi who again further harass her. AND MIA IS THE ONE IN TROUBLE!?!??!?!?!?!?!

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

The only thing she did wrong was not tell Lily she wouldn’t be on the show. She even told Lily’s brother to make sure she didn’t just ditch him! But no, it’s, “I’m giving up the crown because I messed up.” Forget that!

37) God bless Joe.

Clarisse [about Mia’s being manipulated]: “Why didn’t she have enough common sense to deal with this?”

Joe: “She’s only fifteen.”

38) I just realized how I have yet to talk about how awesome Heather Matarazzo is in this film.

She plays Mia’s best friend Lily with wonderful enthusiasm, stealing a number of great scenes from the film. She’s funny, able to show her vulnerability, makes her honest, and has a wonderful chemistry/relationship with Hathaway/Mia. It’s just another part of what makes the film fun.

39) I really appreciate that Michael is not Nice Guy™. He doesn’t whine about “the friend zone” and he doesn’t go out of his way to make Mia feel guilty for not liking him back. He’s a bit of a tool when she asks him out but he’s hurt in that moment and doesn’t necessarily want to open himself back up. He could go on and on about how he’s always been there for her and Mia’s given him nothing or some bullshit like that. I like it.

40) Get wrecked, Mandy Moore’s character (I don’t remember her name)!

(GIF originally posted by @stydixa)

41) It took me until almost the end to finally put to words that this film isn’t about Mia being pretty or even about her being a princess. It’s about her gaining some agency in her life, a little confidence, and actually taking control of things. That’s WAY more interesting than, “Oh, you were born a princess. Let’s do only princessy things from now on!”

42) Wow, I did not expect something this deep in The Princess Diaries.

Mia’s Father [via letter]: “Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something is more important than fear.”

43) Mia showing up as she does to the ball removes the support of “proper” appearance. She is a mess right now, all she has is her words and her decision to convince these people she should be queen. And she rocks it.

44) Honestly I’m more invested in Joe & Clarisse’s relationship than Mia & Michael’s, but at least she got her foot pop.

The Princess Diaries held up much better than I was expecting. Hathaway is pretty freaking great, as is Julie Andrews, and the film just has this incredible beating heart and message of confidence to it. Sure, it falls victim to some tropes of the genre (the makeover stuff will forever bother me in all movies), but it transcends others (Mia’s boyfriend at the end is not a Nice Guy™). If you don’t have a taste for film’s which wear their hearts on their sleeves, then maybe you should avoid this. But the rest of you? You may find that you like it more than you first expected to.

[agenteuler-blog]

A Wayhaught Birthday

A fanfic in which Nicole is adorable and surprises Waverly for her birthday, because someone needs to remember it. And also, because I needed some Wayhaught fluff in my life.

Waverly didn't really celebrate her birthday.

She'd never really had the chance. When she was growing up, tormented by Willa and overlooked by her parents, it tended to get swept under the rug. If her birthday was remembered, she got a store-bought cake and a couple pairs of jeans at the most. And then Willa and her parents died, and Wynonna got sent to St. Jude's, and Waverly had tried to forget about all the missed birthdays, because for all their flaws, her family was her family.

When Wynonna had seemed to forget her birthday, briefly, Waverly didn't mind. That much. After all, Waverly spent the following minutes getting her hand chopped off by a maniac with X-men wrists, then re-growing said hand via demonic possession. So she had bigger fish to fry. Besides, she knew that Wynonna loved her, more than anything, and that Wynonna would face down an army of revenants for her. Wynonna, after all, was human. And Waverly forgave her for her occasional lapses.

Then, along came Nicole; Nicole, with her flirty hat tips; Nicole, with her perfect dimples; Nicole, who treated Waverly like she was the most beautiful angel to grace the earth. Waverly had never mentioned her birthday to Nicole; it had never really occurred to her. And when she woke up on one very particular, very special day in November, the first thought on her mind was not celebration but the fact that it was a Thursday. The second thought, quickly overshadowing the first, was that she had grown a mustache. A giant, orange, furry mustache.

“Pftfffftff….Catlamity,” she sputtered at Nicole’s cat, who had decided to take up residency on her chest and face. “Calamity, I can't breathe.” In reply, the giant ginger flicked her tail across Waverly’s nose, causing the youngest Earp to sneeze violently. “Calamity Jane, you...you...fudgenuggeting cat!” Waverly said, smiling despite herself into a faceful of tail fluff, as she worked her arms up and around to dislodge the intractable animal. “You know, Jane,” she groaned, tossing the cat to the other side of the bed, “I'm not a pillow. You know that, right?” Calamity Jane didn't seem to care.

Waverly stretched and sat up, slowly fumbling behind her for her phone. Glancing at the time, she saw that it was 10:27. Late, for her - but not surprising, she thought with a wry smirk, considering last night’s activities.

Which reminded her...Waverly looked to her left, expecting to see a note atop a tower of pillows informing her that Nicole had left for work (Nicole had a “pillow addiction,” according to Waverly, as she never slept with fewer than five). Instead, she saw a blue sticky note with an entirely different message:

Hey pretty lady :)

Text me when you wake up, pretty please? Don't come downstairs...I have a surprise for you!

P.S. I think you are now Calamity Jane’s favorite

“A surprise?” muttered Waverly to herself. “What….did she take off of work today?” The tiny Earp thought for a second and, shrugging, grabbed her phone.

Waverly: hey sweetie-pie, I'm awake… though I think your cat is trying to suffocate me in my sleep :)

Nicole: nah it just means she likes you. morning sleeping beauty!! be right up :)

Waverly read Nicole's text, humming contentedly. She sighed, flopped back down onto the bed, and looked at the cat regarding her grumpily from Nicole’s mountain of pillows. “What on earth is she up to? Are you in on this, too, Jane? Huh?” The cat made no reply, and proceeded to lick her foot.

Just then, Waverly heard the sound of her girlfriend’s footsteps on the stairs, and something heavy being set down in the hallway. Was that a clinking of plates? And what was that delicious smell? The door to the bedroom swung open just a bit, and Officer Nicole Haught stuck her head into the room, grinning sheepishly.

“Morning, cutie,” she said. “Can you move Calamity and the pillows, please? They’re in the way.” As Waverly threw the pillows around the room (taking up a significant amount of floor space), Nicole bent down behind the door frame to pick something up, and proceeded to open the door the rest of the way with her shoulder.

She was wearing her fuzzy unicorn pajamas with the extra-large Shorty’s T-shirt that Waverly had given her the previous week after she’d “accidentally” spilled beer on herself, and consequently pretended to need Waverly’s help in getting off her uniform (“Not fair,” Waverly had insisted. She had not, however, hesitated in assisting). Nicole’s face was decorated with a nervous, dimpled smile, and Waverly thought she had never looked more gorgeous.

In the cop’s hands was a huge wooden breakfast tray, on top of which was what appeared to be a banquet feast of breakfast foods. A bottle of maple syrup, orange juice in white wine glasses, toasted bagels with cream cheese. And in the middle, the largest stack of somewhat lopsided buttermilk pancakes Waverly had ever seen. There was a massive swirl of whipped cream on top (Waverly LOVED whipped cream), and...were those candles? Like, more than twenty of them? Real, actual, lit candles with real fire?

“Oh my god, baby…” Waverly said softly, “Why…” And then she realized. It was her birthday. She had forgotten her own birthday. How did she do that? She hadn’t told anyone about it, figuring it wasn’t important. But Nicole had known, and remembered, and skipped work to be here with her.

Meanwhile, Nicole was talking rapidly into her nervous smile: “Well, you know, it’s kinda dumb, I mean, I was gonna bring you a cake, but then I was like, who eats cake for breakfast, so I made pancakes, and I put chocolate chips in them, because I know that’s your favorite kind, but, like, if you don’t want them that’s --”

“No! Nicole! Baby, oh, my god -- it’s perfect.” Waverly struggled to find more words to describe the situation. How much she loved Nicole in that moment. “It’s -- it’s -- I just forgot, you know? What with the Revenants, and Willa, and Wynonna and the baby, and -- oh god, Bobo, I -- it -- are you missing work right now?” She paused for a moment, taking a breath. “I didn’t even tell you when my birthday was. How did you know?”

Nicole brought the tray over to the bed, sliding in carefully next to her girlfriend and balancing it on their laps. Relocating the orange-juice-containing wine glasses to her nightstand, she gave Waverly a sideways glance. “C’mon, baby. I’m the closest thing Purgatory has to a detective. I detect. Also, Nedley likes to say that I haven’t taken a day off since Pearl Harbor. I have a lot of vacation days queued up.” She looked her in the face now, eyebrows turned up earnestly. “ You didn’t honestly think I was going to miss your birthday, did you? You, Waverly Earp--” she tucked Waverly’s hair behind her ear -- “are the most beautiful, intelligent, sexy, adorable angel to walk into my life and you deserve to have your birthday celebrated. Even if the town is being overrun by demons. Understand?”

“I...Nicole…” Waverly began. “This...is amazing. I can’t believe you did all this for me.”

“Hey. I would do anything for you. Breakfast in bed is just the tip of the iceberg,” Nicole smiled gently, then kissed her, soft and sweet. “Happy birthday, Waverly Earp. Now make a wish. You’ve got a lot of candles to blow out here, before Crookshanks knocks it over and burns down my house.”

Waverly laughed. “Well, we can’t be having that. One...two...three!” As the candles flickered out, she rubbed he hands together eagerly. “Now, let’s murder this stack of pancakes, shall we?”

--------------------------------------------------------

Once they were done eating (“Are you trying to fatten me up, Officer Haught?” “Waves, I’m pretty sure your abs of steel could survive an attack from Doc’s illicit stash of unstable dynamite. You’ll be fine”) Nicole moved to extract her arm from behind Waverly’s neck, leaning over the side of the bed.

“What are you doing?” Waverly asked, as Nicole rummaged around. “Did you hide more pancakes under the bed? Because that was the most scrumptious breakfast I’ve ever had, baby, but I don’t know if I can take any more…”

“Scrumptious, Waves? Scrumptious?” She said in reply, looking up with a grin. “You’re my favorite, babe. Oh - got it!” Nicole triumphantly lifted a package from its erstwhile hiding place beneath the bed, holding it up proudly. It was large, squarish, wrapped in a dazzlingly sparkly green print wrapping paper and garnished with a bright rainbow bow. The startling color combination almost drowned out a small blue envelope, labeled Waverly.

“Wait...is that a birthday present?” Waverly asked, smiling from ear to ear.

“Why yes, yes it is. Open it! Open it!” said Nicole, nearly bouncing up and down with nervousness and excitement. “Actually, maybe open the note first. That makes more sense. Then open the present. And do you like the wrapping paper? I got it to match your eyes, but they didn’t have many options at the store here, but - “

Waverly silenced her with a sticky kiss. “Babe, it’s so perfect. I know I’m going to love it.” She opened the envelope, pulling out a blue card with the words,

Waves, I love you more than anything. I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but no matter what happens, I’ll be by your side to face it. You are so special, so beautiful, so smart, and you make me so happy. Happy birthday, baby, Love, Nicole

Nicole watched while Waverly read the card. “I mean it, too. Happy birthday, birthday girl.” Waverly looked over at her and kissed her again - long, this time, long enough to taste the maple on her lips. “I love you, too, babe.”

It was that moment that Calamaity Jane attempted to jump from the floor to the top of the bed frame, causing her fat and fluffy weight to plop straight from said bed frame onto the present in Waverly’s lap. Mewling in confusion, the cat scrabbled for traction before regaining her footing and leaping into Waverly’s arms. “I think Calamity here is telling you to open the present,” laughed Nicole.

“Well, if Calamity Jane says to do it…” Waverly ripped open the wrapping paper, revealing a plain cardboard box. “Ready or not…” She popped open the top, dissected a few layers of bubble wrap, and pulled out...a perfect model airplane. A meticulously detailed, three-person model biplane, bright yellow, and nearly a foot long.

Sensing Waverly’s confusion, Nicole started to explain: “So, you said you’ve always wanted to do things that scare you, right? Like jumping out of an airplane? So, I thought, there’s this guy at the station, and his family owns a Waco YMF or whatever, some kind of three-person biplane, and he said he and his sister have skydiving certifications and they’d be willing to take us up for a day. I mean, only if you want to.” She paused, looking anxiously at her girlfriend, who was wearing a look of growing excitement.

“Really? You got a guy to let us jump out of his airplane? in Purgatory?!”

“Yeah…Only if you’re in, of course.”

“Am I in? I am in like Flynn. Oh my god, Nicole, WE’RE GOING SKYDIVING! HOLY FUDGENUGGETS!” Waverly laughed eagerly. “When?”

“Saturday morning. So you like it?”

“Of course I like it, Nicole. It’s super sweet. And badass. Just like you. You’re my favorite.”

Nicole laughed. “You’re MY favorite. Now, I’m in charge of getting you to Shorty’s by four, so we can celebrate properly with everybody else, but until then, I was thinking perhaps we could celebrate with just the two of us…” she raised her eyebrows slyly, moving the tray onto the floor. Waverly leaned in closer.

“I like the way you think, Haught…”

[thecrazydragonlady]

“The Hottest Day in Paris”- A ML One-Shot

Synopsis: It’s hot in Paris; ridiculously so and running around in a Black Cat suit doesn’t help. What’s a superhero to do? Discovering your suit has a working zipper is a good start even if it drives your lady and purrincess insane! In which Chat Noir discovers some of his abilities can be used for evil.

Notes:  Hi all! I'm sorry this is late. The end of the school year is just killer and I got so tired that I wasn't able to write. Now I'm catching up and part of that are the requests for one-shots. Clarisa of AO3, here's yours! I combined the two Chat-strip ideas you gave so I hope this lives up to expectations.

Enjoy!

*****   

Paris had never been so hot. The news report called it the hottest day on record in the last ten years; the max was 39.7 degrees Celsius. Rationally, it would have been best if everyone stayed indoors but humans, by nature or nurture, who knew, were stubborn. Many Parisians were still going about their daily lives. It was dangerous. However, very few of them actually knew this considering Paris, let alone Europe, had never experienced anything like it before.

Ladybug wiped her brow as the sweat purled on it from her hairline. Chat Noir sat next to her. He downed a bottle of water. She did the same.

"It's too hot my lady," Chat complained. He tried cooling himself down with a fanning paw. It was about as effective as a single ice cube in boiling water. His eyes were hazy. Ladybug eyed him.

"I know I’m bad off but you have to be worse," she noted, "Especially in all black."

"Tell me about it," he grumbled. He turned from the edge of the building, rolling onto the rooftop. The heat radiated off of the black material. It burned the exposed skin on his face which he hoped didn't mean that he was going to have a nasty sunburn later. What a way to be exposed as Paris's hero- a sunburn. He giggled at the thought. Ladybug didn't acknowledge his sounds. She continued to drink her water and attempt to fan herself with her hand. The longer he sat there though, the more the giggles started to rise out of his throat and the need to roll around and attempt to find a cool spot became higher; he felt like he was floating.

The heat was really starting to get to him.

Chat made a silent grumble to his kwami about how the suit was killing him and how he desperately wished that he could at least take off the top part of his outfit to get cool. In his delirium, he tugged at the bell. He was surprised, pleasantly so, when it moved a bit downwards in the direction he desired for it to go. Chat pulled again. It moved again. This wasn't a heat delirium at work. His bell was really moving and so, he tugged it all the way down just to above the belt around his waist. His arms were a little difficult to get out. His skin stuck to the leather-esque material and nearly pulled them inside out. He straightened them though. Another giggle rose out of his throat. He tied the arms around his waist like he'd seen in anime before. There! They were out of the way, his arms were free, and now he was able to feel so much better without the black material suffocating him to death. A happy sigh of relief escaped from his throat.

"Hey LB, hand me the water please." Ladybug, still sitting on the edge of the building, reached next to her and grabbed the water bottle that was his, and tossed it back over her shoulder. He caught it easily. He took large gulps. Some of the water dribbled down the sides of his mouth, subsequently his neck and chest, but he didn't bother to wipe it away. His free hand pushed his hair back off his forehead.

Suddenly there was a strangled sound. The other Parisian hero had turned to say something to her partner (like maybe it was time for them to get a break considering) but it had turned into an inhuman noise when she found him half-naked, drinking water like a model, and, dear god, RIPPED beyond belief. Her face turned as red as her suit. She nearly fell from the rooftop but had the reflexes enough to catch herself.

She wasn't ready.

She didn't think she'd ever would have been ready for something like this.

Chat's ears and tail twitched. He cocked his head to the side as he eyed her, asking, "LB? You alright?"

"It-It-It's nothing Chat," she squeaked. The heat already made her feel dizzy but seeing Chat standing before her, causing feelings she wasn't one hundred percent certain about to stir in her chest, made her even more so. She raised a hand to hide her shocked expression. Quickly she turned back the other way just silently praying that he hadn't noticed her uneasiness. Apparently he didn't. He continued to stand there, waiting for her to say what she was going to say.  When it didn't happen, he leaned his head the other way and asked, "LB? What's wrong? Weren't you going to say something?" Ladybug squeaked again.

Oh.

Dear.

God.

The thought of turning around and seeing him standing like an absolute model next to her made her face flush again so she did the next best thing. She stood on the edge of the building. Grabbing her yo-yo, she flung it off some distance and managed to squeak out, "We-we should go Chat. It's dangerous to stay outside!" Without a look back she disappeared into the city, leaving her partner confused and alone at   the top of a building.

*****

Marinette could not believe herself.

She stared at the picture of Adrien on her desk, wishing and hoping and praying that the thought of Chat Noir's half- naked body would just leave her mind. Tikki teased her relentlessly about it since their return. The god of luck found it absolutely hilarious that her chosen was feeling conflicted about seeing her partner's body and for some reason that escaped Marinette, she couldn't get enough of it. Tikki basically rolled.

Marinette stuck her tongue out at her and put the picture of Adrien back in her drawer. She hadn't but any of them back up since the Gamer incident when he'd come to practice playing Mecha Strike with her for the competition. "It's not that funny Tikki," she complained.

"Oh Marinette. I'll explain why it is when you're older."

"I'm fifteen! How is that not old enough?"

"You'll see!" Marinette picked up a little pillow she'd made for her pins and tossed it. Tikki easily dodged it before disappearing out of sight. A soft rapping came from her balcony door. Surprised, she left her desk and climbed to her bed, opening it to reveal one black clad superhero standing on her balcony. She forgot her embarrassment for the moment.

"Chat Noir! What are you still doing out? Didn't you and Ladybug go home some time ago?" He smiled at her sheepishly.

"Well, LB did. I don't really know what happened. She just kind of took off so I thought I would still patrol the city for a bit. However, I seem to have run into a problem...." He pulled out his bottle and shook it upside down for her, revealing that there was no liquid left in it at all. She blinked. "I was wondering if you could spare this alley cat a bowl of water?" Marinette smiled softly at him, standing out of the way.

"Not at all. Come on in. I'll run down stairs and get something for you."

"Many thanks purrincess," he purred. Marinette rolled her eyes but got out of the door way so that Chat could easily slide into her room. He took a seat on the chaise lounge while she went downstairs to get a couple of bottles of water as well as a light snack for the hero upstairs; she was concerned that too long in the heat without food would cause him to faint and reveal himself and then what would she do? It took only a few minutes. A brief explanation to her parents also ensured that they wouldn't be interrupted which she was grateful for. Climbing back into her room, Marinette found Chat laying on the lounge, an arm thrown over his face, eyes closed, him breathing peacefully and even. She gently touched his face. It was warm. Maybe a little too much so. He didn't respond to it so she took one of the bottles of water and laid it on his cheek instead. He jerked but then turned into it, rubbing his face on it like an actual cat. "My thanks again purrincess," he mumbled, accepting the bottle from her. He opened it quickly and drank readily. Marinette went back to her desk to finish the drawing she'd been working on before he'd arrived; a shadow suddenly covered her field of vision and she looked up to find Chat looming over her work.

"Can I help you," she smirked. Chat blinked and blushed a bit before regaining himself.

"Curiosity," he mused, "Nothing more. This cat is satisfied." She rolled her eyes. Chat returned to the lounge and watched her for a moment. He'd never noticed how dedicated and determined she could look as Marinette. After all, usually it was a series of spluttering conversations he got from her as Adrien. When a few minutes rolled by, he finally noted, "You are pawsitively amazing purrincess." She stopped drawing and turned in her chair to eye him. A giggle rose in her throat. Dear god, why had she thought he was sexy earlier? Now he just looked like a dork, sitting on her lounge, body splayed out in an attempt to get cool and he was sprouting his cheesy cat puns again. "Thanks Chat but your puns still aren't sexy." He frowned.

"My puns are amewsing!"

"Maybe but you'll never get a girl like that."

"Are you pawsitive purrincess?"

She rolled her eyes. "Absolutely. They make you sound like a dork more than anything. You're going to be searching a long time for a girl that finds that sexy."

Chat narrowed his eyes. His tail twitched back and forth as he watched her first smirk and then turn back to her drawing. So his puns weren't sexy uh? He'd see about that. After all, he now had a secret weapon and thanks to LB's reaction earlier (something his poor oblivious brain had only figured out after she'd run off) he knew exactly what to do.

He reached one paw up to his bell.

It ran softly and there was an equally soft -zip- noise that followed.

He watched as Marinette stiffened at her desk. The tips of her ears became bright red as she slowly turned back to face him. The blush was also on her cheeks lightly. Chat tugged again. The zipper went lower. Her bluebell eyes shot immediately to the exposed portion of skin. Oh good. He had her attention. Her face was priceless as he continued to tug, using his training to keep a straight and alluring face as he moved on her lounge at the same time. Her face got redder and redder until he was sure she was going to pass out or have a nose bleed (that happened in animes right?). Chat stood slowly from the lounge, walking over to her. The zipper was as low as it would go. He slid one shoulder off and then the other. One arm then the next, still making his way over to the wide-eyed girl who now had her hands over her mouth to quell the inhuman noise from escaping. She looked around desperately. There was nowhere to escape to.

Chat moved closer.

Marinette rolled back.

He took another step.

She was stopped by her own table.

Now all she could do was look anywhere but at the apparent sex god walking towards her. His body glistened from his sweat. When did he ever have a six pack? That should be illegal. Chat sauntered over to her, placed a hand on either side of her, trapping her in the immediate location.

She squeaked and looked away.

Chat leaned in close to her.

Marinette could feel his warm breath on her skin; could nearly feel the heart beat come from his chest. Or maybe that was her own. Her face was red and warm and she doubted that it could go any higher. Chat smirked but she didn't see it. She felt it. Just as soon as she was sure she was going to pass out, the hero moved to her ear, and teasingly whispered, "So, purrincess, think I'm still not sexy enough?"

She couldn't even answer.

After a few seconds of torture, what felt like forever in her mind, he released her, a soft chuckle coming from his throat. Marinette hesitantly opened one eye to find him redressed and zipping up his suit. He smiled brightly at her. "My job here's done. Thanks for the snack and water purrincess. Cat-ch you later!" Anger rose in Marinette's throat and face. Chat continued to laugh as he climbed to her bed and jumped out onto her balcony and took off before she could catch him. All he heard from behind him was the fading, and distant threat from Marinette that went, "CHAT NOIR! YOU ARE SO DEAD WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT!"

He laughed all the way home and into the next day.

[dramallamadingdang]

Oh, God! Question meme! A really long one! Run! Hide!

Tagged by @ajaysims. *points* It's his fault! His! Not mine! ;)

This is really long, since it's a synthesis of two of these questions memes and I have verbal diarrhea. So, I cut.

Name: Katrina

Nicknames: Most RL people other than my kids and grandkids call me Kat because one syllable is less than three. :) Simmers call me iCad because that's what I chose to call myself when I started participating in the community. Hubby calls me Kitten. Kids call me Ma, usually in exasperated/long-suffering tones. Grandkids call me Mimi because I hate the usual things that grandmothers are called because they're associated with old people. I may be old, but I'm not old, y'know? :)

Zodiac sign: Taurus, but astrology is still bullshit.

Height: A hair less than 6'0/about 182cm. And very underweight due to digestive/metabolic issues mostly because of a malfunctioning liver. (No, not from alcohol. From having had asymptomatic Hepatits C that I most likely got from a blood transfusion in the early 80s, before they screened donated blood for that. It sucks, y'all. Cherish your liver. Baby it. Seriously. Stop with the alcohol. Just stop. Do weed instead.)

Orientation: In experience/practice: A Kinsey 2. In terms of the kind of person who attracts me: People with IQs over 130. I really, truly don't care what you look like, what gender you identify as, or what sex organs you have or don't have. Smart is seriously sexy. So, I'm sapiosexual. :)

Ethnicity: Whitey-white-white, yay! :| Glow-in-the-dark white. I-start-burning-in-the-sun-in-30-seconds white. Damn-near-albino white. Also, mostly of Welsh descent. Only sort of half-second-generation American on one side; my paternal grandma was one of those horrible immigrants who took a job away from a Real American(TM). She was even a somewhat illegal one, for a few months. But she was white and British so I guess that's OK.

(Sorry, as a person married to a man whose mum -- who is awesome -- was born in Mexico and who came here legally with her family when she was 7 and is a citizen but she still gets shit these days because she’s “a Mexican,” I've sorta come to really hate the kind of people who tend to call themselves Real Americans(TM).)

Favorite fruit: Okra, especially when part of aloo bhindi masala, an Indian dish. Okra IS a fruit. Really. Look it up. Also, tomatoes.

Favorite season: Autumn, when everything is dying. MWAHAHAHAHAH!

Favorite book series: Still Sharon Kay Penman's "Welsh trilogy." Also, though not really a series, per se: The Star Trek novels that were published in the 80s. They got mostly stupid after that, but there were some gems that were published in the mid-80s, before The Next Generation was a thing.

Favorite flower: Calla lilies. Usually used in funeral arrangements, along with Easter lilies, yay. Flowers of death! MWAHAHAH!

Favorite scent: Lilacs. Lavender. Honeysuckle. And this "rain" scent scented candle. It's so clean and fresh and not-perfumey, yet it manages to drown out the brine smell that eventually permeates everything when you live close to the shore...

Favorite color: Greens. All shades, although I prefer the yellower shades, especially the darker ones like army green. Also, orange.

Favorite animal: The spotted hyena, but I already extolled their many virtues the last time I did this list, so I'll refrain. Also, elephants.

Coffee, tea, or hot cocoa: Hell no, maybe, and yes please (if it's vegan), respectively.

Average sleep hours: Sleep? What is this word? *just came off a 38-hour work "day" a few hours ago, and I'm too wired to sleep.* YAY SHOWBIZ! :| But generally, when life isn't crazy, usually about 6 hours per 24 hour period. And I'm nocturnal, so those six hours are usually between about 0900 and about 1500. :)

Cat or dog person: Both person. And llama person. And alpaca person. And horse person. And snake person. And spider person.

Favorite fictional characters: Spock. (Well, actually, pretty much the entire original Star Trek crew except, well, Kirk. Whom I hate. With a passion. I really like Abrams-Kirk, though. Oddly enough. So it might just be that I can't stand Shatner...) The Cardassian characters from Star Trek: DS9, but especially Garak. Also, Julian Bashir and Miles O'Brien from DS9. Jack O'Neill and Rodney McKay from the Stargate franchise. KITT from the original Knight Rider. And Jayne Cobb from Firefly. (Hi, @eulaliasims!)

Number of blankets you sleep with: I'm in SoCal at the moment. No blankets because I tend to sleep in the warm part of the day. And when I do sleep at night, there's a furnace-like husband and a large, furnace-like dog in the bed with me. Blankets would be overkill.

Dream trip: Still Antarctica. Or space. But Antarctica is more likely at this point. ;)

Blog created: I think it was December of 2013. Maybe November. Ahhhh, those halcyon pre-2016 years...

Number of followers: Right now? 1443. It might change in an hour or so.

Time right now: About 0220 Pacific Time, Wednesday, March 22. One month and one day until my birthday. I expect presents, people! (Nah, I kid. Birthdays after 50 don't mean much. Hell, birthdays after 18 -- or 21, nowadays, I guess -- don't mean much. :) )

Last thing you googled: I was looking for some textures to use for some recolors I'm working on during downtimes at work.

Fave music artist: In terms of non-classical stuff: Queen, always and forever. But I also really like the Barenaked Ladies and other such alternative groups from the 90s as well as 80s New Wave stuff. Also, Metallica. In terms of "classical" stuff: Beethoven, always and forever.

Song stuck in my head: Beethoven's 8th piano sonata, 3rd movement. I was playing it at work today...on my cello. I'm working on arranging the entire sonata for solo cello...starting with the 3rd movement because I do better working on things backward. (Since I'd be willing to bet most people don't know the tune off the top of their head, here's Dubravka Tomsic playing it on youtube, if you're curious.

Last movie I watched: Star Trek Beyond. I liked it better than Into Darkness but not as well as the first Abrams-verse one...

Last TV show I watched: I have Stargate Atlantis paused on my computer screen at the moment. I plan to work on furnishing/decorating the house I put up for download tonight when I'm done with this, and I usually have a TV show playing while I build/decorate stuff in my game. :)

What I’m wearing right now: A pair of black sweatpants and a Telluride Daily Planet T-shirt. (That's the local newspaper at home. :) ) Boring white underwear. My fleece-lined moccasins because my feet are always cold.

The kind of stuff I post: Sims stuff, duh! At least on this blog. :) The other blog has the ranty/political stuff.

Why did I choose my url: Because I like to point and laugh at silly internet drama and because I own llamas, and I added dingdang because dramallama was taken and because of this song.

Gender: According to every one of those silly "What Gender Are You?" online quizzes, I am male, mainly because I'm a self-confident, argumentative, assertive, non-empathetic asshole who doesn't do "feelings." Yet, I have girl plumbing. Go figure. Meh, it's all just social conditioning and expectations, anyway, so...I rebel. I reject gender labeling and their associated roles.

Hogwarts house: I took a quiz once and it said Gryffindor. I've never read Harry Potter or seen any of the movies except one of them during an airplane flight...and I fell asleep during it, so...Yeah, I don't know what it means to be Gryffindor. Don't much care, either.

Pokémon team: Don't know anything about Pokemon, either.

Lucky number: 13 because I am anti-superstition. (Well, except when it comes to white pianos, of course, but I have hard evidence that they are evil, so it’s not superstition. ;) ) Or 42. Take your pick.

Dream job: I once said "Not having one" but then followed it up with "but that's boring." So, I decided to take on some work through June. And you know what? I'm gonna go back to "Not having one." I just need to find some volunteer work to keep me occupied for a few hours a day. Not for 38-hour "days," though. :p

Relationship status: I is married to my second husband. He's cute. And a lot younger than me, woooooooo! First marriage wasn't nearly so fun, though. The only good thing that came of it was my kids.

Pets: Oh, God. Most of them are back home in Colorado (where I have a 39-acre ranch) while I'm here in California, but:

A herd of llamas and alpacas, about 50 total at the moment, but "unpacking" season is approaching, so that number will be going up to about 65 soon. 5 horses 2 nanny goats...which actually belong to a neighbor but they're currently housed on my property, so...they count! 8 dogs 5 cats...although sadly that will probably be going down to four soon because the 18-year-old whose had health problems all her life is currently quite sick and likely won't be getting better. :( Also, there are a ton of barn cats, but they don't really count as pets. A flock of chickens. 1 rooster, the rest hens. 1 California kingsnake 5 tarantulas, various species 8 dragonfly nymphs. I think 2 will become dragonflies this year because I've had them for a few years now...

Last song you listened to: Beethoven's 5th piano concerto, for somewhat sentimental reasons.

Favorite TV Show: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I love the original series a lot, too, but DS9 surpassed it in my book.

First Fandom: Star Trek, of course. I remember declaring that I would marry Spock when I grew up. I was 3 at the time, in 1967, watching the episode "Amok Time" (in which Spock almost gets married) in its original run. We'd only just gotten a color TV a few months before, so it was REALLY COOL. I also wrote a crapton of fanfic in the 70s/80s and a bit in the 90s. Even published a 'zine in the 80s. It was expensive as hell back then but SO MUCH FUN!

Randomly Tagging People I Don’t Think I’ve Tagged For This Thing Before: @randommindtime (It's what you get for following me!), @yandereplumsim, @elfpuddle, @halousims, @nuttydazesublime, and @kayleigh-83. As always, feel free to ignore for whatever reason. :)

[callmehawkeye]

Watched in 2017

Kids For Cash (2013): It’s easy to sit here as someone without a personal stake in this documentary’s focus, but, what I took away from it is the Luzerne County scandal contained nothing but very human individuals working out their own perspectives and self interests within justice and school systems set up to fail; or those holding office who don’t have proper insight. People fighting shades of grey with black and white theories. Children’s lives were disrupted during peak development years and even though their records were expunged, you can see the damage being impossible to reverse.

Capturing the Friedmans (2003): An introspection of a family in crisis; I believe in the 14 years since this documentary released there’s enough information available for armchair detectives to see through any biases this film presents and displays the depth trauma and denial can go.

The Jinx (2015): A miniseries focused on the life and crimes of Robert Durst where the man himself is interviewed and occasionally forgets he is wearing a hot mic.

Hannibal Buress: Comedy Camisado (2016): A great standup special that made me smile and cackle. Can’t wait to see more of Buress.

Other People (2016): Sure, it’s another cancer movie, but the family relationships and performances make this such a lovely film to watch.

Fences (2016): Play-turned-film about a family in the 1950s and the metaphorical fences they put up to keep each other safe but also to stop from connecting. Lots of great monologues put in by the cast.

Westworld (Season 1): Called all the big twists, but it’s still a great show with wonderful storytelling, scenery, and acting.

The Straight Story (1999): Best film I’ve seen by David Lynch. Poignant and moving.

Suicide Squad (2016): UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m not much of an original storyline purist, but if there’s a strong story handed to you ready-made on a silver platter -- why make it weaker? Why not attempt to understand the context at all?

American Honey (2016): Gorgeously shot, but I really found the story content to be a bit cliché and done before but better.

Vampire’s Kiss (1989): I don’t know so much about the comedic part of this labeled black comedy when it really comes off as a quite disturbing account of a lonely, mental ill man’s downward spiral. But fun, bizarre, and unique nonetheless. 

Pete’s Dragon (2016): Not the best kid and their dragon story. Not the worst. Not the best Disney remake. Not the worst. Eff gritty reboots. I want the kid to stay with their dragon.

Killer Legends (2014): Documentary uncovering the true stories behind urban legends; the man with a hook for a hand, the babysitter with a call coming from inside the house, poisoned Halloween candy, and a killer birthday party clown.

The Lego Batman Movie (2017): While I liked The Lego Movie, I was more about Batman and how he was voiced by Will Arnett. This movie is a cesspool for in-jokes and references and I was crying nearly the entire time with laughter.

Bridget Jones’s Baby (2016): Oh my god. Oh my god, why.

Tokyo Godfathers (2003): A moving story about three homeless individuals who discover an abandoned baby in the snow around Christmastime. Their search for the mother displays beautiful animation and storytelling.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017): I’m so happy the sleeper buzz of the first one got to me a few years ago. I’m so beyond thrilled with the product of this sequel that doesn’t lose its self-awareness and bite.

Train to Busan (2016): Best zombie movie I’ve seen in years and years.

Newsies Musical (2017): A lot of missteps and overacting; but still the lovely show I know and adore with flawless dancing.

Hidden Figures (2016): A film showcasing the overshadowed and overworked women of color NASA employees. Superb acting all the way.

Night of the Demons (1988): 100% ‘80s horrible, but I kind of loved it?

Michael Bolton's Big Sexy Valentine's Day Special (2017): I want to write individually, uniquely written thank-you cards to everyone who made this possible.

Get Out (2017): Gorgeously shot, acted, and written; full of detail, homages, symbolism, and foreshadowing. I’m obsessed. I’m so proud of Jordan Peele and cannot wait to see what he does next.

La La Land (2016): More like Blah Blah Land.

Moonlight (2016): A gorgeously shot character study of a young man’s dichotomy of black masculinity and homosexuality.

The Belko Experiment (2017): A clever and funny horrorfest of a desk jockey company locking its employees in and pitting them against one another for a battle to the death.

Logan (2017): THIS is the Wolverine we’ve wanted. My creyes. Thanks or all the years of dedication, Jackman.

A Monster Calls (2016): For such an imaginative story as a boy’s imagination assisting his grief, it’s rather dull and removed.

The Imposter (2012): A documentary of a French national faking the identity of a missing, and much younger, American boy.

Best in Show (2000): This is literally my life now.

Tangled: Before Ever After (2017): Such a cute continuation I’ve always wanted from one of my favorite Disney films. Sweet songs, characterizations, and animation.

Ordinary World (2016): Billie Joe Armstrong in his first starring role as a man hitting a midlife crisis. It’s been done. But there’s something particularly charming about its cast and execution.

Beauty and the Beast (2017): ...Eh. It’s pretty? Some of the additions are cute and thoughtful. But it feels like a shot for shot remake.

Christine (2016): A dramatization of the real life story of Christine Chubbuck, a news correspondent who committed suicide while live on-air.

Arrival (2016): Amy Adams was robbed from a nomination. In my opinion, this is her best work ever.

Beware the Slenderman (2016): HBO documentary covering the true crime of the Slenderman-inspired stabbing and the young girls who conspired together to commit it.

The Fits (2015): A young girl in Cincinnati observes others around her spiraling into epileptic-like episodes as she joins a dance team and undergoes many pre-teen milestones. 

The Queen of Katwe (2016): The true story of the chess world’s Woman Candidate Master Phiona Mutesi.

The Love Witch (2016): I love literally everything about this ridiculous movie? With its purposeful presentation acting and romantic aesthetic? 

Jackie (2016): Natalie Portman was spellbinding.

An American Wereolf in London (1981): Took me forever to watch, but reignited my love for werewolves.

Loving (2016): True story of interracial couple Mildred and Richard Loving who got married in the late 1950s.

The Edge of Seventeen (2016): I’ve lived this genre. I grew up with this genre. I devoured hundreds of films, television series, and novels about this genre. If it were the first I ever saw, maybe I’d have liked it better. It’s fine. Just not for me.

 The Founder (2016): What a wonderfully expensive and affective commercial for McDonald’s. Now put Michael Keaton in more movies!!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016): I’m excited for the extensive look in Rowling’s universe. While hard to not compare to Harry Potter and lacking the groundwork of connection to a book series I grew up with since 11 years old, it certainly grew on me.

The Boxtrolls (2014): Late to the game on this one, but another fine film from the Laika company. I’m becoming a huge fan of theirs.

The Lost City of Z (2017): A refreshing movie to watch that’s driven by characters more than plot and with minimal CGI. Gorgeous acting. Gripping motivations and convictions. Beautiful scenery and set designs. Reminiscent of an old Hollywood epic.

Tickled (2016): Frustrating documentary about the online “competitive tickling” community and the shadiness of key players.

Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders (2016): I’d probably have enjoyed this more if I hadn’t watched the Lego Batman Movie first, but I got thorough amusement from the in-jokes and returning cast of talent.

Cat People (1942): Oh look, it’s the most I can hope for in my near future.

Mommy Dead and Dearest (2017): HBO documentary about Dee Dee and Gypsy Rose Blancharde.

Drag Becomes Him (2015): I fucking love Jinx Monsoon.

A Star is Born (1954): Judy at her best.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Season 3): I wish this season was more focused, but it gave me some moments I’ll never forget.

Wonder Woman (2017): I already plan to go see this again and make it my theme for my 30th birthday this year. I love it that much.

The Girl on the Train (2016): Zzzzzzzzzzz

House of Cards (Season 5): You can always tell when a showrunner leaves. Robin Wright saved this show for me.

Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016): I don’t know many comedians who can make me instantly switch from laughing to crying.

Papillon (1973): There’s something captivating about this film that you don’t see every day. True storytelling epic.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? (1976): Sidney Poitier is charming, and the behind the scenes turmoil for Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy had me sobbing.

Who Took Johnny (2014): The true crime story of the abduction/disappearance of Johnny Gosch.

Master of None (Season 2): There was something so maddening about Dev this season. Well, not “something.” He fucked up a lot and was quite unlikable. The directing and international film homages were second best to Denise’s single background episode.

The Beguiled (2017): Quite beautiful, great acting. Typical Sofia Coppola and entertaining enough. Not necessary for me to view again.

Baby Driver (2017): This is a standout film for me this year. It made me incredibly happy and so proud of Edgar Wright.

Orange is the New Black (Season 5): Justice for Poussey.

Excalibur (1981): I hear this is both the best and definitive version of the King Arthur myth. But everything else is really bad, and this is acceptable. It has some strong elements and covered the largest span of the myth’s time.

The Old Man and the Sea (1958): The most simply shot and presented film I’ve ever seen. Spencer Tracy is an absolute dear.

HitREcord on TV (Season 1): Such a satisfying and inspiring series to watch.

Atomic Blonde (2017): A lot more spy noir than I expected, but the action I went in anticipating was thrilling and impressive in its choreography. Loved the aesthetic and loved the soundtrack even more.

HitREcord on TV (Season 2): It’s really motivating to watch people go through the creation process in this.

Adam’s Rib (1949): Such a silly story, but Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy’s dynamic is ev. er. y. thing!

BUtterfield 8 (1960): The behind the scenes story is much more compelling and interesting.

What a Way to Go! (1964): This is honestly the most perfect movie I’ve seen in years. There is nothing about it I didn’t love nor recommend.

Detroit (2017): Not exactly the best thing to watch after Charlottesville, but it is a story that needs to be heard and not forgotten. Nothing has changed.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017): The runtime felt too long. But it’s still the best portrayal of Peter Parker so far. Such a refreshing Marvel movie to watch in the midst of my over-saturation outlook on their films. A smaller spec story was very-much needed.

T2 Trainspotting (2017): Most sequels made 20 years later aren’t anything to write home about. But man. This exceeded expectations.

Hurricane Bianca (2016): Just the kind of movie I want from a drag queen. Just the right amount of camp, message, humor, and fabulousness. 

Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017): I don’t think there’s anything that makes me consistently laugh this hard.

Ma Vie de Courgette (2017): Stop-animation about the connection and imagination of orphaned children in a healthy home environment.

Brigsby Bear (2017): The most unexpectedly unique and heartfelt movie I’ve seen all year.

Smokey and the Bandit (1977): Oh, so that’s why people like this movie so much.

Shameless (Season 5): More Ian, please.

Cat Women of the Moon (1953): Masterpiece. Aesthetic. My future.

Last Action Hero (1993): I feel like I unwittingly wrote this exact story as a teenager. Loved it.

The Bodyguard (1992): I will always love Whitney.

Table 19 (2017): Legitimately charming.

Kingsmen: The Golden Circle (2017): Not as good as the first, but plenty of strong ideas that I enjoyed with a lovable cast.

mother! (2017): Fucking horrifying and sent me into an anxiety attack that lasted longer than a day -- ethereal and quite the theater-going experience.

Sunshine on Leith (2014): Proclaimers musical. Pretty by the numbers, but very eagerly genuine and sweet.

The Powder and the Glory (2007): PBS documentary about Elizabeth Arden and Helena Rubinstein. -- I’m Team Rubinstein, by the way.

It (2017): A great retelling of the original story with a strong and likable cast. I’m excited to see who they cast as the older counterparts in Part 2.

The Zookeeper’s Wife (2017): An interesting perspective of who is left behind during wartime. 

Sgt. Pepper’s Musical Revolution (2017): PBS documentary on my boys.

Fist Fight (2017): 90 minutes of line-o-rama comedy. But I love the lead actors.

Gilda (1946): My, my, my Hayworth. Finish him.

I Am Heath Ledger (2017): A retrospective of Ledger with interviews by those legitimately closest to him. Very touching and insightful.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017): The most visually stunning film I’ve seen in a long, long time.

Personal Shopper (2017): Kristen Stewart stars as a woman living in France, waiting for a sign of life from her deceased twin brother.

Gifted (2017): I’m here for Evans and Evans alone.

XX (2017): Four horror shorts directed by women, each uniquely shot and told.

The Promise (2016): The movie was sold short by a misdirection in advertising; it’s more -- and interestingly so -- about the Armenian genocide than just another wartime love triangle. Come on, guys. Polyamory. Polyamory is always the answer.

The Circle (2017): Unwatchable. The film itself doesn’t even know what it’s trying to say.

The Public Enemy (1931): Mostly watched this because of the closing of The Great Movie Ride, above all else.

Leverage (Season 1): Race to finish all 5 seasons before it’s taken off of Netflix. I love this team.

Leverage (Season 2): I have so many feelings about these characters and their relationships with each other.

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017): Polyamory. I told you. The answer is always polyamory. And bondage.

Stranger Things (Season 2): I’m so happy this is finally here, and so mad I’m already finished.

Leverage (Season 3): I love the slow development and bonding the team has gone through.

Leverage (Season 4): The more ridiculous and implausible the mission, the more I love the episode.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017): I don’t care that it was “too funny.” It was exactly what I wanted out of a Marvel movie.

Leverage (Season 5): Well. It’s official. I’ve been Stockholm-syndromed by a show.

The Foreigner (2017): It was fine. It was another misleading trailer, so not what I was expecting. But it was fine.

The Thing (1982): Mmm mmm mmm ‘80s Kurt Russell in a solid John Carpenter thriller/horror.

To Have and Have Not (1944): Bogart and Bacall is goals.

Alien: Covenant (2017): Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017): This is actually a solid sequel I greatly enjoyed. It’s been a few years since I’ve enjoyed a Marvel movie, and now I have two!

The Librarians (Season 1): Okay, this is a good Leverage replacement.

The Librarians (Season 2): This show is super endearing and I’m pleased it exists.

Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer (1992): Going to the My Favorite Murder live show encouraged me to finally watch this.

Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer (2003): An update and deeper delve into Wuornos. Super upsetting to watch her mental deterioration unfold onscreen. 

The Librarians (Season 3): All caught-up for season 4 in December!!

Sleight (2016): I had a difficult time watching this movie. There was something about the sound-mixing that triggered some anxiety and auditory stress. But I liked what I could see of it.

Cujo (1983): Probably my second-favorite King movie now. Very simple, yet effective.

Lady Bird (2017): I’m happy to have seen this before the hype got too big. It was so relatable and enjoyable.

Christine (1983): Quite entertaining, great music, top camp.

Hey Arnold!: The Jungle Movie (2017): Mostly made up of callbacks, but I DO NOT CARE. Such a satisfying nostalgia bookend.

Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri (2017): Fantastic dialogue and performances. I feel so many side stories and characters were meant to build up the main storyline and give context, but I feel it left a lot of characters wanting and left used. 

Novitiate (2017): I had no idea the Catholic church did the sisters so dirty with Vatican II. Very tense film and makes you quite sympathetic for the women in it.

Bright Lights: Starring Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds (2016): Spectacular HBO documentary of my goddess and the mother goddess. I cried a lot.

Ai Weiwei: Never Sorry (2012): Documentary follows Chinese artist and figure, Ai Weiwei, as he uses social media and activism in his art and to hold the government accountable.

Shameless (Season 6): Needs more Ian. Tired of everyone else’s bullshit. Will I last much longer?

Calamity Jane (1953): Casting Doris Day as the butch Calamity Jane is the most hilarious and gay thing I’ve ever seen and I love it.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017): It’s beautiful, but such a terrible adaptation that guts any tension, stakes, and even mystery as well as gives little for the talented cast to cut their teeth on.

Sky Ladder: The Art of Cai Guo-Qiang (2016): The attempts and execution of a 1,650 foot ladder made of fireworks.

Monster (2003): Ohhhh, THAT’S why Charlize won the Oscar...

The Big Sick (2017): So charming and such a legit romantic comedy.

The Disaster Artist (2017): I watched this in the same way I watched the room: Through my fingers, curled up on my side, and whispering, “Stop. Stop. Stop.” I loved it.

Coco (2017): Well, Pixar fucked me up once again.

My Friend Rockefeller (2015): Documentary about con artist and murderer Christian Gerhartsreiter.

A Series of Unfortunate Events (Season 1): De. Light. Ful.

Shameless (Season 7): Finally caught up!

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017): Yes. I see the faults. I understand. I just don’t care. I absolutely loved it. 

The Greatest Showman (2017): Probably my biggest disappointment of the year. The cast and musical numbers were great, but everything in-between was so weak and uninteresting. For a non-diagetic musical, they never earned their musical moments. I’d rather have watched a non-Barnum circus movie all about ZEfron and Zendaya for 2 hours with Jackman in the Master of Ceremonies role. It felt like every non-musical scene was trying to sprint through to get to the next song.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017): I didn’t expect to adore this as much as I did? Jack Black was the standout and was so endearing and respectful towards teenage girls!

The Little Hours (2017): My forever mood/aesthetic in film form.

Gook (2017): Black and white film about the ‘92 L.A. riots from the perspective of two Korean-American brothers.

Carnage (2017): Mockumentary made by Simon Amstell told from the future where veganism is the norm.

Good Time (2017): An epic told over the span of 24 hours of a bank robbery gone wrong.

Dave Chappelle: Equanimity & The Bird Revelation (2017): Chappelle’s latest Netflix specials, back to back. I don’t agree with a lot of what he said and didn’t always laugh. But when he reached me, he did it right.

Battle of the Sexes (2017): That haircut scene helps fuel my Emma Stone fantasies. 

I, Tonya (2017): While I do believe Harding never takes responsibility for herself when she should, I still can’t begrudge her place in media history.

The Shape of Water (2017): This movie was fucking everything to me.

2016 | 2015 | 2014

[italicwatches]

Comic Girls - Episode 04

Anime time is now. It’s Comic Girls, episode 04! Here we GO!

-It is night, it is raining. Koyume is out like a light with particularly few fucks to give, when Kaos…Well I’m assuming she has to go take a piss, but the important thing is she finds Ruki still working and pulling an all-nighter. The next morning, every…one’s…up? Well, three of our four are sparky and spunky. Ruki, despite Kaos’s thirst, is looking more like she just ran a marathon with a hangover. Also Kaos said the quiet things loud again.

-Opening!

-To school! Where Ruki is…Oh, dear, she is not looking good. Apparently she pulled two all nighters, in a row. I’m assuming she had to get some sleep in there somewhere, because I’ve seen people on their third day and that’s usually when the hallucinations start…But I’m also assuming it was nowhere near enough sleep. And then she gets summoned to translate the line on the board, ‘Can I come over to your house tonight’. Which, sleepy Ruki says in a way that literally all of the girls in class suddenly have lilies blooming. Literally. All of them.

-Kaos is right. That is terrifying power.

-Gym class. Sleepy Ruki is tying up her hair and her sleepy eyes are looking like bedroom eyes and Ruki please stop turning your classmates gay. It’s causing a ruckus.

-…God dammit Ruki. Just…God dammit, Ruki. She refused to go home, went on the run for gym class, collapsed onto another girl, it looks really lewd, everyone’s staring and blushing, what did I just say about a ruckus. Even the teacher is calling her out for this, and Kaos can’t stop staring. Even Tsubasa is starting to think she needs to go fucking sleep. And I’m starting to think my assumption that she couldn’t possibly be on her third day without any sleep was…incorrect.

-But Ruki has all of this fucking pride wrapped up in refusing to Give In and oh my god go to bed. I’m not even going to touch her deeply erroneous belief that she’s not suited to lewd manga because I mean come on.

-Okay, lunch time. Eat a little food, then lay your head in Koyume’s lap and sleeeeeep. Even a little cat nap. One problem: Ruki can’t sleep without her favorite plushy. That is ADORABLE. But okay, how do they get he—

-Here hold this Kaos. It’s basically the same thing. …And holy shit it works as Ruki just falls right asleep.

-Back to the dorm! Ruki has enough sleep to at least pretend to be a human being and not some malfunctioning lesbianism-field-generator, and is grinding away at her manuscript…When Koyume and Kaos come to offer to help! Oh god no. No you can’t see. Don’t look at her porn drawings! Woman your work is sold in bookstores all across the country. …OH GOD YOU’RE RIGHT SHE HAS TO GO BUY THEM AND HIDE THEM AWAY

-So eventually they drag her back to her desk, and…Well, okay, real talk, if you’re that ashamed of anyone seeing your work, why are you here in this dorm? Because if her parents saw this they’d disown her. Her grandmother would die from shock! Sure there’s a certain thrill in getting away with something secret and terrible right under her family’s nose, but…Ruki now you’re saying the quiet parts loud.

-But, finally, they convince her to let them help because the other option is she literally dies from overwork at like 15. Okay. Okay here’s a page to work o—

-Koyume and Kaos can’t take it. It’s too sexy. The dialogue is so intense! Then work on these pages that are only sound effects. They are only sound effects because they are sex scenes. Please stop with the comedy reactions!

-And fine. FINE. Tsubasa gets…MEDIUM SERIOUS. She’s got on her core cosplay clothes but not the cape or eyepatch. Give her that manuscript, she’ll screen tone that dude’s dick right the fuck now! Please be at least a little embarrassed. (NO. WHICH TONE DO YOU USE ON DICKS? THE POLKA DOTS OR THE STRIPES)

-But as they work, that’s when Tsubasa notices that the protagonist looks a little like Koyume. Well, Ruki uses her as a reference model so often, some of her traits just kind of leak in…And then Koyume realizes what Tsubasa is looking at and has a panic. So that’s how she ends up having to work on the pages so her manga counterpart isn’t exposed to Tsubasa-sama…When she realizes there’s a really touching, sexy love story inside this perverse sex manga! Yes, you get it! You understand!

-Meanwhile Kaos can barely work because she’s…

-Ohhhh dear. Kaos is peering at the pages through her fingers and breathing hard. What has Ruki done to this innocent concept of a future child her parents might have one day?! I’m running out of ways to infantilize Kaos in Ruki’s mind, guys, and it’s only episode four. KAOS JUST COLOR THIS BUNNY DON’T LOOK AT THE NAUGHTY. And Tsubasa finally goes past silly SERIOUS and into full legit frustration.

-Ruki! Back to your fucking desk! Kaos! Tighten up and work you can jill off to it when it’s done! And Kaos fainted at a sex page. Great. Just…Just great.

-Eventually everyone is playing ball. Well, three of them. Kaos is going down into Despair territory, because not only is she struggling with The Sex, she is struggling with the analog tools. If she just could do this on her tab…let…That’s a computer box in the corner. Yeah, Ruki bought a computer for color work…

-Except…She’s genuinely terrible with anything more complicated than a phone and hasn’t been able to set it up because she’s never used a computer outside of class. …Please step aside and let Kaos set it up, thank you. And Ruki looks to her for advice, and…Kaos please stop lewding when there’s work to be done. But if they’re going to use this computer to speed up their work, they need more software and a scanner.

-And…Ruki’s…Woooo boy she is bad at this. Guys. Guys. Just let Kaos use the computer tonight and you can learn when you’re not on a deadline and half asleep. And indeed, Kaos just slams out a rapid-fire coloring on a scan of the splash page, complete with full color sparkle effects and god damn smug Kaos. …SO how goes the actual manuscript, ladies? DESPAIR

-New day! Ruki is with her editor, seeing the publishing of the actual tankoban of her first volume, and it’s going wonderfully! Also, they’re doing a big promo push for everything in their magazine, so could you come do an autograph signing?

-Ruki just starts screaming and can’t stop.

-And when she explains her fears back at the dorm, it’s just a lot of fear and panic and guilt…Stop. Stopppp. Your readers are almost entirely horny 20-something women, it’s gonna be fine. Yeah, you’re right, she has nothing to fear EXCEPT EVERYTHING YOU BLUE IDIOT. Those 20-something women will realize she’s a tiny teenage fraud! A bust-size-lying fraud! But that’s just a pen name…right…? Not right. Look at the self portrait she ended up submitting! …Oh.

-Oh dear. So she’s panicking and ends up clinging to Kaos as a soothing charm. Wait, what if they used Kaos as your adorable child in your arms while you signed? Yeah neither of them are down for that. New plan! Koyume, you be Big Boob <3 Himeko! Koyume couldn’t possibly SHE’S IN. Yeah she’s too eager. Much, much too eager.

-But, a stand-in…Who do they know that’s older, mature but still sexy, and knows about Ruki’s work…Landlady? Landlady. Ruki’s got to go to her and beg for help but can’t even get the words out. She’s too damn earnest and kind and wants to make a big celebration dinner with all of Ruki’s favorites.

-So as we montage through the next day, I want to point out a delightful bit of character contrast. Both Tsubasa and Ruki are tired from grinding away at manga. Ruki tries to stay awake in class but nearly fails. Tsubasa just puts on an open-eyes sleeping mask and drops right down onto her notebook with no fucks given.

-And thus they work, and grind, and enjoy the warm days of spring and summer, as everyone’s work slowly improves…And the big autograph day is coming real close. Until finally it’s the night before, and Ruki is fully hooked in at this point, and is out of ideas…As Ruki despairs, Tsubasa’s just silently working, not even responding…And that’s when Ruki remembers something important. Tsubasa’s going by a genderless pseudonym. She’s hiding herself from the world to be able to draw the manga she loves without judgment. And here Ruki was…

-…Tsubasa’s been thinking up new names for the exposed Big Boob <3 Himeko.

-You fucking ridiculous nerd. But she also admits, it’s kind of crazy, you know? Just a couple years ago, they were the ones lining up to get books signed, and now…Well, just remember how it felt back then. And you’ll be fine. Go get some rest for tomorrow.

-Big day. Ruki carefully gets ready, even as she tries to figure out what to do with her hair and how to look for this…When the landlady pulls her aside. And with another pair of hands, and a light touch of some makeup in just the right places, she transforms Ruki, bringing that touch of maturity that she needs. When it’s all done, she goes from looking 15 to looking 25, and can make this work…!

-Okay, to the actual signing! It is indeed pretty much all girls and women there, and all of them are incredibly nervous but excited, to meet the woman who draws this manga they love so much…! And it’s just an amazing, blazingly bright moment for Ruki, as she even has a young mother there who had to bring her baby to be able to make it. That’s how important Himeko-sensei…No, Himeko-onee-sama’s work is to her! And oh you just said the magic words, because Ruki immediately pops into full onee-sama mode and dammit Ruki what did I say about a ruckus.

-Indeed, what started as just a mere meet-and-greet and manga signing is soon full of tons of advice and kindness and when it’s all said and done, and when it all finally finishes up, Ruki is left with a stack of fan letters and gifts and is just…Moved to raw, genuine tears by the amount of emotion and love felt here today. It’s been a struggle. She’s had to work on healthy days and sick days, when she was grieving and when she was losing out on a normal adolescence. She’s questioned her path countless times, especially after being shunted into erotic manga instead of the cutesy animals she wanted to do…

-But…She made a difference. A real, genuine difference. She changed people’s lives for the better. She didn’t just stumble into a place she didn’t want to be in…She landed exactly where she needed to be! …Oh god the afternoon guests are coming panic

-Credits!

Good for you, Big Boob <3 Himeko! Ruki’s found herself, and found the real core answer to why she keeps pushing forward…Which suggests we’ll be asking that question of our other girls soon. Who might come up next? Probably not Kaos, since I imagine her arc will fill the show, so it’s got to be one of the others…Perhaps Koyume? Well, we’ll find out next time, in episode FIVE of Comic Girls! Wait for it!