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seasonsofeverlark · 4 years ago

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Spreading Christmas Cheer

Author: @mega-aulover

Prompt: Everlark the movie Elf [submitted by @alliswell21]

Rating: G

Author’s Note: This is a story based off of the movie Elf as requested by @alliswell21 It’s from “Jovie” i.e. Katniss POV, what she would have seen and fell in love with one Peeta ‘Buddy’ Mellark.��

Special thanks to @norbertsmom for her betaing skill and for the name of the story. Parts 3 and 4 will post separately.

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Pt 1

I watch Peeta gently kiss the top of our first born’s head. Holly’s dark hair is braided into two plaits; her blue eyes closing softly.

“And Papa Elf said, grandpa was on the naughty list…” his voice is soft.

Suddenly Holly’s eyes widen as she remembers something. Her blue eyes are laser focused on Peeta. “Papá, es verdad que mamá estaba en la lista de los niños malos?”

“Y quien te dijo esto?” I ask from the door. We never discuss my role in Peeta’s adventure, or the fact that I was on the naughty list. Ever.

“Santa,” Holly says.

Ese gordo, Santa has loose lips. I think about teaching him about keeping secrets until it’s time to explain to our child about the past. But before I can say anything, Peeta gives me a look. He always knows when I’m having evil thoughts. I sigh, and redirect my thoughts, because Peeta made me believe in love, joy, and Christmas.

“Your papa saved more than grandpa that Christmas. He saved me too.”

Holly’s eyes lit up like her father’s before the sleepiness creeps back into their depths.

“Now go to sleep so Santa can come down the chimney.”

“Night, mama, night papa,” Holly whispers right before she drifts off to sleep.

Together we walk out of our daughters bedroom. Peeta slides an arm around my shoulders. He dips down and nuzzles my cheek. He steers me to the living room. I drag my feet. Peeta is up to something.

“Okay, spill it, Mellark.”

He gives me a wide eyed smile.

The hair at the back of my neck stands up straight.

He’s got that look, that please tell me a bedtime story stare, and not just any story.

“No.”

Peeta pauses and gives me a puppy dog look with a full lip pout.

“No.”

“Come on, Sweetums, my li’l sugar plum,” Peeta says in an excited whisper.

“No…no don’t waggle your eyebrows at me, Peeta. Buddy. Mellark.” I pronounce each one of his names.

Peeta’s grins so brightly; his eyes shine brighter than Christmas lights. His hat is slightly crooked as he hops and does that stupid little dance of his that makes me want to tear off his green tights. Yep, I said tights. My husband was raised as an elf, a six foot two, blond, wavy haired, giant with broad shoulders, washboard abs, and is genuinely sweet. Sweeter than eggnog.

He grabs me by the waist. “You know you wanna,” he says in that sexy time voice of his that’s reserved only for me.

Canasto!

I should clarify for everyone listening to my tale; you should know canasto isn’t a vulgar or bad word. It means basket. But I like the way it sounds in Spanish. So I say it with real vehemence. It’s like peaches in Spanish sounds like a curse word. Melocotón! Tu eres un Melocotón! Which translates into you’re a peach.

I digress.

I let out a big sigh. There’s no way I can say no to him and he knows it! Canasto!

“I love it when you tell the story of how we met from your point of view.“

"You’re an evil gremlin,” I say with no heat in my voice. It’s my personal nickname for him. As in the gremlins when they ate after midnight. However to be fair, if you see Peeta, he’s not scary at all, he’s more like a big teddy bear.

Peeta laughs and my heart flip flops. Because he is anything but; he is so congenial.

Peeta puts his hands on my belly, my very big belly. It’s baby number 2; actually it’s baby number two and three. They are counted as one until they’re born. I know what he’s doing, the evil gremlin! He’s trying to distract me because I’m due to give birth. I have mild pangs because I’m carrying twins and I’m nearing my due date.

He carries me and sits me on his lap. “Now start from the beginning.”

“From the candy cane forest?” I ask.

“No from your point of view,” his eyes dance gently as he rests me against his chest, rubbing my bulging belly.

“Okay,” I say quietly.

“Don’t forget to start with once upon a time,” Peeta insists, trying to contain his excitement.

“Once upon a time.”

“This is going to be good,” Peeta whispers.

“Are you going to let me tell the story?”

“Oh yea,” Peeta placed a kiss on my nose. “Go ahead.”

Closing my eyes I picture the year things changed. Because everything in my life was about others and never myself. I was always trying to be someone else, what everyone expected of me.

It’s hard being a foster kid, and getting out of the system is kind of like getting out of jail. Suddenly you have all this freedom, but you’ve been conditioned to follow all of these rules, so when you are free, you do one of two things. You get in trouble, and try to get sent into an institution; some of us call it the iron college. Or you try to keep your nose clean and learn in the school of hard knocks. In my case, I kept my head above the water for my sister’s sake.

“I love my family,” I muttered underneath my breath.

I muttered it again as my sister destroyed, no scratch that, mutilated Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas."

Did I forget to mention that I love my family?

I do. I love my family and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them, but at that moment I wanted to scratch my ears out with dull spoons.

My perfect baby sister is a smoking hot blonde runway model and the muse for Karl Lagerfeld, but she has the worst singing voice known to man. You want to torture someone, hire my sister, and have her sing to the person you want to torture. Within 3 seconds flat, she can have even the most hardened of spies spilling their guts like a canary.

The one thing I could not stand beside my sister’s singing was Christmas.

I loathed Christmas.

I was not ashamed to say it. Every fiber of my body I hated Christmas! If I had ever met the real Santa back then, he had better hoped that I was not holding my bow and arrow, because I would have shot him through the eye. Not that I believed in Santa then, but if I had known there was a real life Santa Claus, I’d have hunted him down, and burned the fat man’s jolly red outfit. I would then gleefully take a joy ride in his sleigh into his workshop like Bill Murray did in Groundhog Day when he allowed the groundhog to drive him off the cliff into a fiery death.

At this point you are wondering why I hated Christmas so much.

There were many reasons why the holiday was so contemptible to me. One, my father died on Christmas day. Two, my mother checked out on us that same Christmas day. The next Christmas Eve was when my sister and I were separated into different foster homes. It took me a few months to find my six-year-old baby sister. I had been sent to a foster family who used foster kids for slave labor, to have them wipe and clean their floors while the Mrs. of the family spent the whole day in luxurious spas and getting Botox treatments, as if that was going to improve her mug.

My baby sister was luckier. Primrose was placed in a foster home in the middle of suburbia with a 2 story house with a picket fence. A woman named Cecilia and her husband Ronald had never been able to have kids, and they doted on my sister. They brought her up to be the princess she always said she was. Honestly, they were rather shocked when my twelve-year-old cynical self rolled up into their home screaming for my baby sister, Primrose. Prim came running out of nowhere and latched herself on to my leg like an octopus. Best Spring ever, so I do love the Spring.

But before you think we were reunited, we weren’t. The family that had Primrose never wanted me. And even if they did, we technically didn’t have the same last name. Primrose carried my mom’s last name while I carried my dad’s. My sister was Primrose Emmerson and I was Katniss Everdeen. Our parents had a silly agreement. They were also foster kids, so they decided that I would take dad’s name and the next one born would take our mothers name.

They didn’t have family, and her parents lived a common law marriage. Their childish decision caused havoc. There was a mix up and we weren’t processed as sisters. Plus, I never stayed in the same foster home for long so even if they wanted me, they never knew where I was, but no matter where I was, I found a way to talk to Primrose, because as long as Prim was loved and cared for, my situation didn’t matter.

After our brief reunion, I had to go back to the family that I was placed in, and my sister stayed with her family. I didn’t stay with mine for very long; I became a statistic. A rolling number on someone’s computer screen. I was bounced around from one family to another in all sorts of seedy homes.

So you can see why I’m so jaded. Every bad thing that ever happened to me, has happened on that freakin’ holiday. And there was one more reason I disliked that holly jolly holiday so immensely. For some reason, the universe hated me.

No matter where I went, what city, what town within the state, I could guarantee you that it was a racket, a billion dollar racket to make parents crazy and buy things for their kids they didn’t need. For some reason, it pleased people to take my olive skin, dark hair, scowling self and put me into a sparkly Christmas cheer, “gag” pointy eared elf costume.

So with a week until Christmas, I was listening to my sister butcher another holiday favorite song. Then Prim screeched. And I sighed in relief.

"Katniss,” Prim said, coming out of the bathroom. “The water is cold!”

I looked heavenward. “The pipes. I forgot they’re working on the water main outside. They said there would be interruption to service.”

“Oh, you know I can get us a hotel room,” Prim said toweling dry her pale blonde locks.

My studio apartment wasn’t what my sister was used to. She was a freaking couture runway model, six foot one, so slim nothing off the rack fit her. “I’m sorry Prim, I was so excited to see you.”

Prim smiled. “Look, I only have a few hours left. How about I treat you to lunch before I go back up to Connecticut to spend Christmas with Cecillia and Ron.” Prim smiled at me. “You know you’re more than welcome to come. They always ask about you.”

I loved my baby sister. She was amazing. And I was damned glad that the Henderson's were an amazing couple, but I knew the score. They didn’t know what to do with me. “As long as you don’t mind me wearing my elf costume.”

Primrose chuckled. “You make the cutest elf though.” She patted me on the head using a baby tone with me. Prim was taller than me by a foot. I was tiny, or as Prim said, compact size.

“I could still put you over my knee, little duck,” I growled. “Así que mira ver.”

My sister laughed and she delighted in taunting me. Prim no longer spoke Spanish, but she understood the language. “You’re adorable when you’re angry, an angry little elf, aren’t you?”

“Primrose,” I said in Spanish. I rounded my ‘r’s’ when I said her name.

“Awe, I don’t don’t get why you hate Christmas so much.” Primrose winked going to the screen divider to get dressed. My sister was used to dressing and undressing in front of dozens of people. I, on the other hand, was not so free with nudity. Primrose said I was a prude. If I hadn’t I told her to use the screen, she would have changed right in front of me.

“Did you know there are only three jobs an elf can have,” Prim said from over the screen.

I sighed. Unlike me, Primrose loved Christmas. Hell, she even suggested that there might be a real Santa Claus. I told her the only people who look for ways to sneak into people’s houses were criminals.

Prim continued her story about elves. “The type of elves that live in trees and make cookies, the types that make shoes, and the best type.”

“Let me guess, Christmas elves,” I said, rolling my eyes.

Prim grinned. She came around the screen wearing thigh high red boots, jeans and a camel tunic sweater that looked like cashmere. “Come on sis, let me treat you to breakfast so that you can go terrorize the children of Macy’s toy department.”

Pt 2

Peeta grins excitedly, breaking the narration. “You know she’s right. Papa says the cookie elves have high insurance premiums because their tree catches fire all of the time.”

“Peeta,” I huff. “Do you want me to finish the story?”

“Absolutely,” he hugs me closer. “I’m so sad you and Prim never got to grow up at the North Pole with me.”

I can’t help but smile at his sincere wish. “Oh Peeta,” I kiss his cheek.

“The only thing I would never let you do was toy testing,” Peeta whispers.

I chuckled. Peeta hated Jack-In-The-Box’s. They scare the dickens out of him. I lay my head on his shoulders. “Are you going to let me finish the story?”

“You know,” he says, blue eyes twinkling. “I’d spotted you in the city that first day.”

“You were jumping across the lines of the cross walk, “ I grin at the memory.

“I followed you until I saw the Empire State Building. Then I went to see my father.”

“I know,” I caress his face.

“Start from that point.”

“Okay, you ready now.” My babies were moving in my belly.

“Right, you were in your father’s office delivering the most awkward Christmas gram.”

Peeta chuckles. “I don’t have your pretty voice.”

I sigh. “Peeta.”

“Right, I’ll be quiet.”

I give him a look.

“But just so you know, when those guards told me to go back to Macy’s, I was curious as to why you were dressed as an elf.“

I roll my eyes. Did I forget to mention my husband is a talker. He is a chatterbox. I swear Peeta is the type who’d make friends with a paper bag.

"I thought your elf name was so pretty,” he sighs happily.

“Peeta, if you want me to tell the story. You have to hush!” I admonish, if I didn’t we would be here until tomorrow.

“Oh,” he gushes. “Yes, tell the story.”

“So, there I was in the middle of New York, like a morsel in shark infested waters. I.E….”

“That passion fruit spray is horrible,” Peeta grumbles. “I do not know how women drink that stuff.”

I want to laugh. There are still things that Peeta doesn’t understand about human society; perfume was one of them, and that fact endeared him to me.

“Can you start at the moment our eyes met?” Peeta gives me a wobbly smile.

Ah, now I know why he’s interrupting so much. “Okay.”

Sighing I recall that day. Prim and I were out to breakfast. She was harping on me to find someone. Did I fall to mention Primrose was only twenty years old at the time, and at that age I was ancient at the tender age of twenty six. Seriously twenty-six. So what if I had never dated, never had a boyfriend, and never kissed anyone. My sister was right. I was a prude, but I’d seen how love could screw you over. My mom never recovered and she died alone in some home of a broken heart. All I had in the world was my sister. My Prim, and she was the only person I would love. Until that afternoon.

“Seriously Katniss, you’re twenty-six,” Prim said.

Eye rolling was a national pastime when speaking to a glamazon who thought I needed to date.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me,” Prim said, removing my sunglasses. “And also, sunglasses in the middle of December, so not tre chique.”

Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. Fake smile. CANASTO!

“You are the worst,” Prim hissed.

I knew my sister wasn’t mad at me. Annoyed, yes. Mad, no. “Prim, it’s just I’m not interested in dating anyone.”

“Katniss, I just don’t want you to impersonate elves for the rest of your life, and when you’re like forty-six, you’ll realize you’re alone with a cat, who pisses in your shoes, and scratches your furniture.”

I moved to pay our bill.

“No way,” Prim said, slamming her hand on the bill. “I make what you make in a month in two hours of work. This is on me.”

“Fine,” I grumbled.

“Also, stop closing yourself to Christmas. Santa isn’t going to leave you anything under the tree.”

“Like Santa exists,” I snorted.

Prim gasped. “You take that back. Santa Claus is real Katniss, just like the rainbows, and pigs and frogs having a long term, caring relationship, and love exists.”

My sister’s wide eyed passionate confession shook me, but the only words that came out of my mouth were, “a frog and a pig?”

“Miss Piggy and Kermit are together, and if they can make it, no matter what the media says, anything is possible.”

“Huh,” I said, leaving the luncheonette near Penn Station. We walked to the corner, where she’d take the stairs to the lower level.

I took a look at the stairs, knowing this was the moment I would say goodbye to my sister once again. My eyes filled with unwanted tears. I could still recall the little girl with the untucked shirt that looked like a duck tail. It’s where the nickname li’l duck came from.

“Don’t cry,” Prim whispered. “Quack, quack.”

“I hate it when we have to say goodbye,” I said quietly.

“It’s not goodbye, Katniss; it’s until the next time.” Prim grinned then she took my elf hat and put it on my head. “Go on, terrify the poor children of the city with your menacing scowl. But you better watch out, better not cry.”

I groaned. “Prim, I would rather hear seagulls squawking then you singing.”

“I know, that’s why I do it,” Prim said.

“You’re a brat.”

“Brat, I’m on Santa’s nice list. You’re the one on the naughty list.”

“There’s no such thing as Santa…” the words died on my lips as I saw a huge man dressed in an elaborate elf outfit jumping on the lines of the crosswalk gleefully. I was struck by the joy on his face.

He looked like an angel with wavy blond hair and innocent blue eyes. It was one thing to see a six-year-old child with that wide eyed innocence, but a tall, broad shouldered man with large hands made me think perhaps he’d escaped his caretakers. His elf outfit wasn’t like the cheap one I had to wear. It was made from a rich fabric with elaborately embroidered gold thread.

If there was something I knew about, it was fabric. I never had soft fabrics growing up and I was obsessed over soft materials. I dreamed of cashmere, Egyptian cotton, mulberry silks, and linens. His green tunic was made from merino wool, like the ones they made in England in those bespoke shops. Even his hat, although a ridiculous cone shape, was not some cheap fabric covered cardboard that you’d find in a costume shop. It was made from genuine thick green wool felt with a yellow satin ribbon wrapped around it. A red feather bobbed up and down as he jumped.

He was so happy. He looked up, as if sensing my presence. Our eyes met and he smiled jovially and waved at me. My mouth went dry, because, gaw, Canasto!

This man-child was gorgeous.

“Earth to Katniss.” Prim snapped her fingers in my face.

“Sorry.” I looked back to my sister.

Prim looked over her shoulder. “Are you okay.”

I dipped out of my sister’s way. “I think I saw an elf.”

Prim laughed. “It’s Christmas, Katniss. Santa’s elves are everywhere.” Prim gave me a hug before descending the stairs to the lower level of the station.

Seeing my sister go was difficult, but I couldn’t shake the tall man dressed as an elf. He even had on yellow tights with black elf shoes.

I made my way to Macy’s. I could see the Empire State building in the background as I took a left to head to the employee’s entrance.

When I arrived, the floor manager Brutus headed straight to me. He was a ridiculous man with muscles in his neck and a bald head. His meaty fingers held a tiny clipboard.

Brutus did not believe in technology. He refused to use a tablet. He said the muckety-mucks, as he called them, were out to get him. He wore dark brown pants that were too small for his large frame and even when he stood you could see his white socks. He wore a sweater vest with various pens in his front pocket and a cheap plastic necklace that was supposed to look like tree lights.

“Jovie,” Brutus said looking over his shoulder.

“Yes, Brutus,” I smiled. Jovie was my elf name.

“Our last Santa quit, and we have no one, so until then I need you to help out in gift wrapping. Don’t forget to make sure the ribbon curl is six inches.”

“But you need more than six inches, to make a good curl.”

“Six inches.”

Sighing I walked to the station and nodded to the girls who were at the gift-wrapping station. I sat there trying to make six inch curls. People were insane at Christmas; they were stressed out to buy things, and things never made anyone happy. Things were just things.

The line of people got shorter and I noticed the tree in the center of the sales floor was looking a little sad. So getting the ladder, I rearranged the ornaments and noticed one of the lights was out. From this vantage point I saw Brutus drag him in, the elf I saw on the street.

Heat rushed to my cheeks and I focused on the tree, eavesdropping the entire time.

“Buddy, you need to remember you get a half-hour break when you work under six hours and a one hour break when you work over six hours. If I catch you on the floor again I’ll have to write you up.”

His name was Buddy. My lips formed a goofy smile at his name. Up close he was prettier, his wavy hair curled up at the ends. A shiver ran up my spine at all of those curls. I could picture little boys with blond ringlets and a little girl with dark tresses in green colored elf clothing. I held on to the ladder as I swayed.

“Wow, what’s this?” HIs eyes quickly darted to the crowded sales floor.

“This is the north pole,” Brutus said looking at his precious clipboard.

“No it’s not,” Buddy waved at a pair of babies inside of a stroller.

“Yes it is,” Brutus said.

“No it’s not,” Buddy eye’s traveled to the tree and I hid behind it so that he didn’t see me.

“Yes it is,” Brutus put his hands on his wide hips.

“No it’s not,” Buddy said smiling. “Where’s the snow?”

“He’s right, there’s no snow,” a six-year old girl said. She’d been listening to the conversation.

I nearly snorted.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Brutus brows knit together.

“I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite thing,” he said. Bouncing to the Christmas music that was being pumped through the speakers.

“Well stop smiling, and make work your favorite thing to do. And who gave you that outfit?”

“It’s mine,” Buddy said, splaying those large hands on his chest looking down at his elf outfit.

Brutus looked at the intricate gold embroidery. “Fine, if that’s your story. You should make work your priority instead of shopping.” Brutus sighed, looking at his clipboard again. “I have to make the announcement.”

Buddy nodded, but once more was looking around.

I was working on the tree lights by now and really didn’t want to get down because I wanted to keep staring at him. At his great legs. Normally tall guys had spindly legs. Not his, yum.

“Okay I’ve got an announcement. Santa will be here tomorrow at 10AM. Keep your receipts so you can see Santa.”

“SANTA!” Buddy yelled. He jumped, clasped his hands and a little girl next to him joined him. Soon there was a flock of kids doing the same thing, all speaking at once and he was nodding and speaking to them as if he knew Santa.

I chuckled cause I’ve never seen Brutus look so stunned and speechless. He was carried away by Chaff, his second in command.

Buddy turned and focused on me. I pretended that he wasn’t just a few feet away from me. I could feel his gaze as I fixed the bulb that was not letting the string of lights to turn on. The tree lit up and I swear his eyes seemed to glow brighter than the lights on the tree.

My stomach did a little flip-flop. “What!” I said defensively. I turned and saw how big his eyes were and the genuine smile. “Are you enjoying the view?”

“I love Christmas trees,” he said hesitantly. “It’s nice to see someone else who enjoys elf culture as much as I do.”

Of course the guy that would make butterflies dance in my stomach was a wackadoo. I scowled. This wasn’t happening. Getting down from the tree, I quickly walk away, grabbing a few stuffed animals that were discarded and putting them back on the display.

“Looks like someone needs Christmas cheer and the best way to do it is to sing.”

“I don’t sing,” I muttered.

“Of course you can.” He chased after me.

“No,” I said trying to get him to stop, but liking that he’s walking after me like a wide eyed puppy-dog.

“Anyone can. All you have to do is put a group of words together in a tune,” he said sweetly.

I hopped on up on the stage where the guy in the red suit would be seated tomorrow. I turned to look at him. As I spoke to him, I couldn’t keep the hurt from my voice. Because the last time I sang a Christmas song it was with my dad, hours before he died. “I know that, I can sing, but I choose not to sing.”

“Look, I’ll do it for you maybe it will make you smile,” Buddy said. He takes a deep breath, “I”M SINGING. I’M IN A STORE AND I AM…”

It was horrible, but I couldn’t help but smile.

“THERE’S NO SINGING IN THE NORTH POLE!” Brutus comes running out from behind the registrar.

“Yes there is,” Buddy says grinning at me. “I’m Peeta.”

“Wait I thought your name was Buddy?”

“That’s my middle name,” Peeta said. “Is Jovie your name?”

“No,” my voice sounds breathy. “Jovie is my elf name.”

“So what’s your real name?” His voice sounded deeper and I swear I could see nothing else but his big blue eyes tenderly gazing at me.

“Katniss,” I said, wondering why my knees were so wobbly. I couldn’t fall for a guy who thought he was an elf. A very good looking, broad shouldered guy with the face of an angel, but nonetheless, a complete wakadoo.

The ten minute warning came on letting people know they needed to go home.

“Oh I’ve got to get ready for Santa,” Peeta muttered under his breath. But before he could move Brutus appears.

“Buddy,” Brutus grabbed him by the arm and hauled him away. I was left standing on that stage with a big old goofy grin on my face.

#everlark #everlark fanfiction #winter #winter 2020 #mega-aulover #submission #prompt

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angelhummel · 3 years ago

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once again i spent hours of my life answering >5000 questions in order to sort almost all of the glee songs ever (there’s 683 songs in the sorter when there’s over 700 on the show) anyway if you wanna see my rankings for those then check it out <3 [also here’s the sorter!]

1 Being Alive 2 Rose's Turn 3 Baby, It's Cold Outside 4 Le Jazz Hot 5 Maybe This Time 6 And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going 7 Come What May 8 To Sir, With Love 9 As If We Never Said Goodbye 10 Valerie 11 Somewhere Only We Know 12 Cough Syrup 13 Teenage Dream 14 Not The Boy Next Door 15 It's Too Late 16 It's My Life / Confessions Part II 17 Start Me Up / Livin' On A Prayer 18 When I Get You Alone 19 The Happening 20 The Boy Is Mine 21 Home 22 Don't You Want Me 23 How Will I Know 24 Bad Romance 25 Not While I'm Around 26 Scream 27 Shake It Out 28 On My Own 29 Hate On Me 30 Bills, Bills, Bills 31 4 Minutes 32 True Colors 33 There Are Worse Things I Could Do 34 Go Your Own Way 35 Jessie's Girl 36 Proud Mary 37 Tongue Tied 38 Last Christmas 39 Somebody Loves You 40 Back To Black 41 Sweet Transvestite 42 For Good 43 At The Ballet 44 Gloria 45 Blame It (On The Alcohol) 46 Like A Prayer 47 So Emotional 48 Misery 49 Nasty / Rhythm Nation 50 Toxic 51 Don't Speak 52 Born This Way 53 Dog Days Are Over 54 Defying Gravity 55 Last Name 56 Womanizer 57 I Will Always Love You 58 Broadway Baby 59 The Lady Is A Tramp 60 I'm A Slave 4 U 61 Centerfold / Hot In Herre 62 Thriller / Heads Will Roll 63 Bust Your Windows 64 Candyman 65 Brave 66 Boys / Boyfriend 67 The Scientist 68 The Scientist (Acapella) 69 Dream On 70 Hey Jude 71 I Lived 72 I'm Still Here 73 I Believe In A Thing Called Love 74 Me Against The Music 75 Like A Virgin 76 My Man 77 Everybody Wants To Rule The World 78 I Have Nothing 79 Blackbird 80 Got To Get You Into My Life 81 Animal 82 3 83 I Follow Rivers 84 Just The Way You Are 85 Constant Craving 86 Don't Stop Me Now 87 Hung Up 88 Let's Have A Kiki 89 Love Shack 90 Marry The Night 91 Hit Me With Your Best Shot / One Way Or Another 92 It's Not Right, But It's Okay 93 I Want To Hold Your Hand 94 All You Need Is Love 95 Getting Married Today 96 Don't Rain On My Parade 97 Don't Stop Believin' (Regionals) 98 We've Got Tonite 99 Smooth Criminal 100 Uptown Girl 101 Sway 102 If I Die Young 103 No One Is Alone 104 Look At Me I'm Sandra Dee 105 No Scrubs 106 Mamma Mia 107 Papa Don't Preach 108 Teenage Dream (Acoustic Version) 109 Santa Baby 110 We Found Love 111 Roar 112 She's Not There 113 Spotlight 114 The Way You Look Tonight/You're Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile 115 Some Nights 116 Rumour Has It / Someone Like You 117 You Make Me Feel So Young 118 You Keep Me Hangin' On 119 I'll Stand By You (Amber) 120 Hand In My Pocket / I Feel The Earth Move 121 Crazy / U Drive Me Crazy 122 Funny Girl 123 Cold Hearted 124 Keep Holding On 125 Bye Bye Bye / I Want It That Way 126 I Know Where I've Been 127 I Kissed A Girl (Season Six) 128 Hopelessly Devoted To You 129 Homeward Bound / Home 130 Into The Groove 131 Hold On 132 Tell Him 133 Nutbush City Limits 134 Because You Loved Me 135 Perfect 136 Cherish / Cherish 137 Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah) 138 Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead 139 You Are The Sunshine Of My Life 140 Tik Tok 141 The Safety Dance 142 Oops!... I Did It Again 143 Run Joey Run 144 Time Warp 145 Something's Coming 146 Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go 147 The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face 148 Vogue 149 Downtown 150 Diva 151 Dancing With Myself 152 Rockstar 153 Wrecking Ball 154 We Are Young 155 I Saw Her Standing There 156 Jumpin', Jumpin' 157 Just Can't Get Enough 158 Take Me To Church 159 Wannabe 160 It's All Over 161 Take Me Home Tonight 162 If I Were A Boy 163 Landslide 164 Pompeii 165 The Bitch Is Back / Dress You Up 166 Christmas Wrapping 167 Buenos Aires 168 Call Me Maybe 169 You Can't Stop The Beat 170 Seasons Of Love 171 Safety Dance 172 Dream A Little Dream 173 Alfie 174 I Want To Break Free 175 Baby One More Time 176 A House Is Not A Home 177 Daydream Believer 178 I Don't Know How To Love Him 179 Hungry Like The Wolf / Rio 180 Suddenly Seymour 181 People 182 Silly Love Songs 183 Love Song 184 Shout It Out Loud 185 Some People 186 One Of Us 187 Sing! 188 Up Up Up 189 Torn 190 Popular 191 This Is The New Year 192 Paradise By The Dashboard Light 193 Let It Snow 194 Let It Be 195 Never Can Say Goodbye 196 Touch A Touch A Touch A Touch Me 197 La Isla Bonita 198 Tightrope 199 My Love Is Your Love 200 Love Is A Battlefield 201 Losing My Religion 202 Total Eclipse Of The Heart 203 This Time 204 I Dreamed A Dream 205 Leaving On A Jet Plane 206 Locked Out Of Heaven 207 Chandelier 208 Girl On Fire 209 Telephone 210 Don't Cry For Me Argentina 211 Human Nature 212 Halo / Walking On Sunshine 213 Anything Goes / Anything You Can Do 214 Make You Feel My Love 215 Stronger 216 Nowadays / Hot Honey Rag 216 Pumpin' Blood 218 Papa Can You Hear Me? 219 Summer Nights 220 Sweet Caroline 221 Superstition 222 We Will Rock You 223 Alone 224 Hello, I Love You 225 Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) 226 A Hard Day's Night 227 Mine 228 My Prerogative 229 Beauty School Drop Out 230 My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It) 231 Extraordinary Merry Christmas 232 Every Breath You Take 233 Express Yourself 234 Everybody Talks 235 Everytime 236 Marry You 237 Moves Like Jagger / Jumpin' Jack Flash 238 My Favorite Things 239 Santa Claus Is Coming To Town 240 River Deep, Mountain High 241 My Life Would Suck Without You 242 Be Okay 243 Applause 244 Cool 245 All I Want For Christmas Is You 246 American Boy 247 Cell Block Tango 248 Breakaway 249 Don't Dream It's Over 250 Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself) 251 Whatever Happened To Saturday Night? 252 Without You 253 Science Fiction Double Feature 254 Loser Like Me 255 I Kissed A Girl 256 I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You 257 I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) / You Make My Dreams 258 Don't Stop Believin' (Season 5) 259 Empire State Of Mind 260 Old Time Rock & Roll / Danger Zone 261 Take My Breath Away 262 You Get What You Give 263 Take On Me 264 Beautiful 265 It's Time 266 ABC 267 Afternoon Delight 268 Don't Stand So Close To Me / Young Girl 269 Don't Stop Believin' (Season 1) 270 Colorblind 271 Cool Kids 272 Dancing Queen 273 Songbird 274 Somebody That I Used To Know 275 Singing In The Rain / Umbrella 276 I Feel Pretty / Unpretty 277 Borderline / Open Your Heart 278 In My Life 279 I'm Still Standing 280 Blow Me (One Last Kiss) 281 Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? 282 Do They Know It's Christmas? 283 Mustang Sally 284 Pinball Wizard 285 Anything Could Happen 286 America 287 Any Way You Want It 288 Higher Ground 289 Flashdance... What A Feeling 290 My Life 291 Let It Go 292 If I Can't Have You 293 L-O-V-E 294 Closer 295 Addicted To Love 296 Heroes 297 A Boy Like That 298 Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend / Material Girl 299 Holding Out For A Hero 300 Dinosaur 301 Disco Inferno 302 Party All The Time 303 Raise Your Glass 304 Push It 305 Lean On Me 306 Pure Imagination 307 Lovefool 308 Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' 309 Americano / Dance Again 310 All Of Me 311 At Last 312 Promises, Promises 313 Hair / Crazy In Love 314 Happy Xmas (War Is Over) 315 Chasing Pavements 316 Don't You (Forget About Me) 317 Love Child 318 School's Out 319 Poker Face 320 Boogie Shoes 321 Bootylicious 322 I Love New York / New York, New York 323 One Less Bell To Answer 324 Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours 325 Rehab 326 I Don't Want To Know 327 Shout 328 I'm The Greatest Star 329 I Love It 330 Never Say Never 331 Juke Box Hero 332 One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer 333 Glad You Came 334 For Once In My Life 335 Here Comes The Sun 336 Baby It's You 337 Drive My Car 338 Last Friday Night 339 Roots Before Branches 340 The Only Exception 341 Survivor / I Will Survive 342 All Or Nothing 343 Time After Time 344 You're The One That I Want 345 Yeah! 346 Starships 347 You've Got To Hide Your Love Away 348 Story Of My Life 349 Something 350 We Need A Little Christmas 351 Gold Digger 352 Beth 353 Fighter 354 Forget You 355 How To Be A Heartbreaker 356 Get Back 357 Love You Like A Love Song 358 There's A Light (Over At The Frankenstein Place) 359 We Got The Beat 360 Make 'Em Laugh 361 Sing 362 U Can't Touch This 363 Try A Little Tenderness 364 Pony 365 On Our Way 366 Lucky Star 367 Loser 368 Over The Rainbow 369 Outcast 370 Stop! In The Name Of Love / Free Your Mind 371 What Makes You Beautiful 372 Will You Love Me Tomorrow / Head Over Feet 373 Wide Awake 374 Wishin' And Hoping 375 Yesterday 376 Out Here On My Own 377 You're All The World To Me 378 Somethin' Stupid 379 Someday We'll Be Together 380 River 381 The Longest Time 382 Somebody To Love 383 The Edge Of Glory 384 The Most Wonderful Day Of The Year 385 Lucky 386 Memory 387 Mary's Boy Child 388 Longest Time 389 My Dark Side 390 Taking Chances 391 The First Noël 392 Smile 393 Celebrity Skin 394 All That Jazz 395 A Thousand Years 396 Big Girls Don't Cry 397 Ain't No Way 398 Don't Sleep In The Subway 399 Doo Wop (That Thing) 400 Don't Stop 401 Uptight (Everything's Alright) 402 New York State Of Mind 403 Turning Tables 404 Vacation 405 Fire 406 Hold It Against Me 407 I've Gotta Be Me 408 Endless Love 409 Run The World (Girls) 410 Saving All My Love For You 411 Give Up The Funk 412 I Am Changing 413 I Melt With You 414 I Could Have Danced All Night 415 Fat Bottomed Girls 416 Hot For Teacher 417 Never Going Back Again 418 Imagine 419 Jolene 420 Arthur's Theme 421 Damn It, Janet 422 Control 423 Barracuda 424 Copacabana 425 Barely Breathing 426 I Look To You 427 Come Sail Away 428 Jump 429 Clarity 430 Friday I'm In Love 431 Jar Of Hearts 432 It's Not Unusual 433 Footloose 434 Here Comes Santa Claus 435 Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy 436 Help! 437 Greased Lightning 438 Hell To The No 439 All Out Of Love 440 (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman 441 Candles 442 All By Myself 443 Hello Goodbye 444 It's A Man's Man's Man's World 445 I Say A Little Prayer 446 It Must Have Been Love 447 Just Give Me A Reason 448 Come See About Me 449 Born To Hand Jive 450 I Want To Know What Love Is 451 I Wish 452 I'll Remember 453 Get It Right 454 (I've Had) The Time Of My Life 455 I'll Stand By You (Cory) 456 Forever Young 457 A Change Would Do You Good 458 Smile (Charlie Chaplin song) 459 Best Day Of My Life 460 An Innocent Man 461 Dreams 462 All About That Bass 463 Home (originally by Michael Bublé) 464 Black Or White 465 Baby 466 Bad 467 Problem 468 Oh Chanukah 469 What Kind Of Fool 470 Wings 471 You're My Best Friend 472 You're All I Need To Get By 473 White Christmas 474 Whenever I Call You Friend 475 Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' 476 What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger) 477 Wedding Bell Blues 478 More Than A Feeling 479 More Than A Woman 480 Our Day Will Come 481 P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) 482 Here's To Us 483 Honesty 484 Hall Of Fame 485 It's All Coming Back To Me Now 486 Teach Your Children 487 Night Fever 488 What The World Needs Now 489 Listen 490 Let Me Love You 491 Live While We're Young 492 Light Up The World 493 Trouty Mouth 494 Werewolves Of London 495 Kiss 496 Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas 497 Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) 498 Mickey 499 Mean 500 Mercy 501 Merry Christmas Darling 502 Let's Wait Awhile 503 Man In The Mirror 504 Rather Be 505 Rise 506 Good Vibrations 507 Faithfully 508 Firework 509 How Deep Is Your Love 510 Fix You 511 Fire And Rain 512 Give Your Heart A Break 513 Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree 514 Little Girls 515 Cry 516 Bust A Move 517 Bridge Over Troubled Water 518 Bring Him Home 519 Cheek To Cheek 520 Break Free 521 As Long As You're There 522 Big Ass Heart 523 Bitch 524 Bamboleo / Hero 525 Away In A Manger 526 Deck The Rooftop 527 Christmas Eve With You 528 Angels We Have Heard On High 529 Creep 530 Crush 531 Make No Mistake, She's Mine 532 Lose My Breath 533 Look At Me I'm Sandra Dee (Reprise) 534 What I Did For Love 535 Wake Me Up 536 Thousand Miles 537 Take A Bow 538 Still Got Tonight 539 The Music Of The Night 540 Stereo Hearts 541 The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) 542 Take Me Or Leave Me 543 I'm The Only One 544 Isn't She Lovely 545 I Just Can't Stop Loving You 546 I'll Never Fall In Love Again 547 Unchained Melody 548 You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch 549 You Have More Friends Than You Know 550 You Should Be Dancing 551 I'm His Child 552 You Learn / You've Got A Friend 553 Somewhere 554 So Far Away 555 Uptown Funk 556 The Winner Takes It All 557 They Long To Be Close To You 558 Tonight 559 Being Good Isn't Good Enough 560 You May Be Right 561 To Love You More 562 Don't Wanna Lose You 563 Do You Hear What I Hear? 564 Ice Ice Baby 565 Don't Go Breaking My Heart 566 Don't Make Me Over 567 I Won't Give Up 568 I'll Be Home For Christmas 569 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For 570 I Still Believe / Super Bass 571 I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) 572 I Want You Back 573 Father Figure 574 Everybody Hurts 574 Gangnam Style 576 We Are The Champions 577 Stayin' Alive 578 Superman 579 The Rose 580 Don't Stop Believin' (Rachel) 581 Fly / I Believe I Can Fly 582 Gives You Hell 583 I Love L.A. 584 Mr. Roboto / Counting Stars 585 O Holy Night 586 Only The Good Die Young 587 One 588 Silent Night 589 Piano Man 590 Sexy And I Know It 591 Sgt. Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band 592 Pretending 593 Physical 594 Danny's Song 595 Stand 596 The Final Countdown 597 You Can't Always Get What You Want 598 You Are Woman, I Am Man 599 You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' 600 Your Song 601 Say 602 No Air 603 Need You Now 604 No Surrender 605 Piece Of My Heart 606 Thong Song 607 Blurred Lines 608 Another One Bites The Dust 609 I Was Here 610 Bella Notte 611 I Know What Boys Like 612 God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 613 Glory Days 614 Friday 615 More Than Words 616 Waiting For A Girl Like You 617 Welcome Christmas 618 You Spin Me Round (Like A Record) 619 You Give Love A Bad Name 620 We Built This City 621 Whistle 622 Who Are You Now? 623 You And I / You And I 624 Take Care Of Yourself 625 Tell Me Something Good 626 The Rain In Spain 627 Can't Fight This Feeling 628 Jingle Bell Rock 629 In Your Eyes 630 Hello 631 Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) 632 I Only Have Eyes For You 633 Jingle Bells 634 Joy To The World 635 I Wanna Sex You Up 636 Fight For Your Right (To Party) 637 Feliz Navidad 638 I'm So Excited 639 Uninvited 640 The Living Years 641 The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) 642 O Christmas Tree 643 One Love (People Get Ready) 644 Ohio 645 Only Child 646 Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love 647 My Sharona 648 Dance The Night Away 649 Poison 650 My Cup 651 Not The End 652 What It Feels Like For A Girl 653 Listen To Your Heart 654 Little Drummer Boy 655 One Hand, One Heart 656 Bein' Green 657 Big Spender 658 Billionaire 659 Ben 660 Gimme More 661 Burning Up 662 Hey Ya! 663 Hey, Soul Sister 664 Baby Got Back 665 Blue Christmas 666 Bohemian Rhapsody 667 Far From Over 668 The Trolley Song 669 Starlight Express 670 Whip It 671 You're The Top 672 Red Solo Cup 673 Next To Me 674 Rolling In The Deep 675 Rainbow Connection 676 La Cucaracha 677 (You're) Having My Baby 678 A Little Less Conversation 679 Happy 680 Highway To Hell 681 Same Love 682 Rock Lobster 683 Girls Just Want To Have Fun

#glee #glee song ranking #ranking #my thoughts #mine #umm so funny story #well first of all some of the mash ups werent even together #like anyway you want it and lovin touchin squeezin #they were listed as their own songs #i thought they'd end up being closer but they arent and thats hilarious #also there's the scientist and then the scientist acoustic?? idk what that is #but they're close together #umm home by michael bubbles #it did not tell me what the song was #it literally said (michael buble version) or something #and i did not think to look it up until after my results #sooo... if i knew it was a rory song it would not be that high lmao #anyway as you can see it is a bit of a mess #but my top ten is really solid again<3 #oh also there was only one 'just the way you are'#so i chose to pretend it was the s5 version which is why its higher #than if i were pretending it were the s2 version

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serzhantkris · 5 years ago

Text

Rebel Yell- 1

Summary: Let’s get something straight: he does not love you. He knows that for sure, because he doesn’t want to scream at you and he doesn’t want to get married, and that’s the only things he knows for sure about people who are in love. And he was doomed to kiss with his fists and scream and be angry and blame everyone but himself for the rest of his life. So, no. Billy did not love you. Billy Hargrove x Hopper!Reader

Word Count: 2079

AN: Hey all! Just a forward for this series, it does follow s2 kind of. Also, I have 8 parts currently written and it’s... it’s gonna be a long one, ya’ll.

It’s snowing, inside the trailer. The fluttering, gentle flakes kissing the furniture and disappearing against fabric and wood. Above, the colorful strings of lights twinkle to the distorted tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It’s quiet, dark, peaceful.

Why, then, are you so afraid?

The lights flicker, the electric buzz bleeding into something far more sinister. A hiss. A growl. The snowflakes aren’t snow at all, but ash. The smell of gasoline replaces any hint of gingerbread. The growling grows louder, the lights match the speed of your racing heart. The lights fall like a rainbow on your face, but everytime they flash off, a dark shadow lingers over you. It stretches up the wall and ceiling, until there’s nothing left but long, crooked limbs and a blossoming head, it’s mouth open and hungry.

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

I'm telling you why

You jerk awake, snapping like a rubber band back into reality, where the only flickering light is the alarm clock by your bed. It takes a second for you to catch up, breathing the stale smell of the trailer- no gasoline or gingerbread or fear- and look at the clock. It’s 5:22, and the world is still asleep.

Shoving the covers off, you sit up, rubbing your palms in your eyes like you can blur away the nightmare. Stuffing your feet into your boots, the laces drag the ground as you shuffle quietly to the back door. The October air is welcoming on your skin, wiping away the sweat stuck to your forehead and shushing away your fears like a comforting kiss. A cigarette in hand, the smoke drifts towards the west, where your back deck overlooks the lake, and disappears into the night sky.

Always darkest, you think. Just before dawn.

It takes three cigarettes before the sun starts to rise. Birds begin to stretch their wings, chirping from the woods beyond the lake. Smothering the butts on the deck railing, you flick the last one over the side and slip back through the door. When it closes behind you, the sounds of morning are replaced by the sounds of sleep.

The snoring is muffled by the pillow over his head, held there by a limp arm. His legs stick out over the other end of the couch, all of it sinking under his weight. There’s a bottle, hanging limply in his other hand, two more on the table. Sighing, you reach toward him and tug gently on the pillow.

“Dad.” Your voice is a harsh whisper, no louder than his snores, and you clear your throat to swallow the remnants of sleep and smoke. “Dad, get up.”

He hugs the pillow tighter, a dragonesque snore pulling from his lips. You let go, frowning down at him, and grab the curtain on the window overhead. Pulling it open, the light spills over his sleeping form and the literred table.

“We’re both gonna be late,” louder this time, you grab up the empty bottles and clang them together. The snore turns into a groan turns into a sigh, and he throws the pillow onto the floor as you move toward the kitchen. “It’s Monday, Dad.”

“You’re insufferable,” he mumbled, the couch protesting loudly as he pushes himself up. “Who taught you to be so damn responsible?”

“Must’ve been Mom,” you shrug, turning the knobs on the stove as he lumbers toward the bathroom.

“Must’ve been.”

Seven thirty, the world is brighter and you’re both climbing into the car marked ‘Hawkins Police Dept.’ Warm air floods the vehicle as he pulls onto the road, driving straight toward the growing sun.

“You ready for that chemistry test?” One hand on the wheel, his eyes flickered over, trying to read your expression in the reflection of the window.

“Test was last week,” you said. Jim Hopper looks back at the dirty windshield, tapping his thumb on the wheel to the faint music coming from the dash.

“Really? How, uh, how’d it go?”

“Got a C.”

He doesn’t know if he should be disappointed or proud, but he nods anyway. “How ‘bout everything else? Grades look okay?”

“They’re fine,” you answer, tracing shapes on the car window. Even with the heat on, the windows fog over and it feels like winter. “Nancy wants to go to this Halloween party tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah? A party, huh?”

“Yeah,” you breathe on the glass, blurring out the frowning doodles. “We were thinking I’d spend the night with her after.”

Jim flicks the turn signal, pausing at a stop sign. “Just you and Nancy?”

“Yes, Dad. Just me and Nancy.”

“Where’s the party?”

“Tina’s.”

Jim frowns. Which one was Tina, again? Was she one of the ones he liked? “You’ll call when you make it to Nancy’s?”

“Yeah, okay. Does that mean I can go?” The car stops outside of Hawkins High School. Groups of students make their way toward the doors, books in hand and bags over their shoulders. Jim puts the car in park as you reach for the handle.

“Just don’t forget to call.”

The door slams shut behind you, your eyes already looking for a familiar BMW as you cross the gravel lot. A flash of blue, a dash of pink, and you recognize Steve and Nancy standing out of the car. Nancy spots you first, raising her hand to get your attention as you skid down the hill toward them.

The purr of a hot engine and squealing tires makes you pause at the edge of the lot. A midnight blue Camaro separates you from Nancy and Steve, blaring a song you’d heard a million times on your own stereo. It parks and the doors swing open. A red headed girl hops out of the passenger’s seat, points a skateboard for the middle school, and is gone.

The driver moves slower, one boot out and then the other, and when he stands tall, he’s nothing you had seen at Hawkins before. You would have recognized the denim-on-denim, steel-horse cowboy if you had seen him before.

The stranger pauses to look around, surveying the area like a wolf searching for prey. He turns on the spot, just enough for you to get a good look at his face. His jaw is square, a barely-there stubble over his cheeks and above wine red lips. He’s soft, with rough edges and sharp blue eyes. And when he walks away, he swaggers like a rockstar on stage.

“Who is that?”

“I have no idea-“

The moment passes, and you skip across the lot toward Nancy and Steve.

“Sorry I’m late,” you sigh, shifting the weight of your backpack. “Overslept.”

The three of you start for the school, following the steady stream of students through the halls. You shoulder pressed tight to Nancy’s, slipping through a doorway where Tina was handing out bright orange fliers for her party.

“Y/N,” Nancy pauses where the hall splits in three directions, tugging your sleeve. “You’re coming tonight, right? We can’t cancel again.”

You nod, moving toward your locker. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

Satisfied, Nancy allows Steve to drag her off, the two of them disappearing into the flood of students. Turning back around, you twist open the lock on your locker and start unloading your books on the shelf, shoving the backpack to the bottom, on top of a pile of forgotten homework and clothes. Glancing up, you catch sight of the photograph pinned to the inside of the door.

You’re smiling, in the photo. A Polaroid taken at a carnival, you’re holding an ice cream cone and making a peace sign. Nancy holds her own cone, that cotton candy smile plastered on her rosy cheeks. On the other side of her, Barbara Holland is laughing.

It’s overcast when the last bell rings and students begin pouring out onto the asphalt. Leaves crunch under your feet as you weave between huddles of teenagers and their cars, searching absently for a familiar BMW. The click of wheels on the pavement behind you caught your attention, and you turned to see the redhead standing on the board, heading toward you as you passed by Tommy H’s car. The tail lights of the car flashed, and before you could warn the preteen, the car backed up and knocked her flat on her back. The skateboard slid under the car and came out the other side, hitting you in the foot as Tommy slammed on his brakes.

“Watch it, little twerp!” Carol leaned out the passenger window, sneering down at where the girl sprawled on the pavement. She clamored to her feet as you grabbed the skateboard off the ground.

“Shove it up your ass, Carol!” You hip checked the back of Tommy’s car as you rounded it, jostling her, and ignored the middle finger she sent you as you helped the middle schooler to her feet. Tommy backed up as soon as you both were clear, wheels churning dust as they peeled out of the lot.

“You okay, red?” She nodded, face flushed as red as her hair as she took the board back from you. “Hey, you’re the new kid, right?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I guess. It’s, uh, I’m Max.”

“Sorry, Max. Small town, word gets around. You can call me Hopper. Everyone does.”

Max flashes a quick smile before turning the board over to inspect it. “Crap, one of my bearings broke.”

Following her line of sight, you peer at the cracked piece of metal attached to the wheel. “Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t think Melvald’s carries anything like that, but I bet you can get them to order one.”

“Melvald’s? Where’s that?”

“Downtown, right by Radio Shack. It’s near the Palace Arcade, too, if that’s your kind of thing.”

Max smiles, tucking the board under her arm. “Thanks,” she says. Her smile vanishes, her eyes trained somewhere over your shoulder. You turn, spotting the familiar blue eyes watching you from beside the Camaro. “I better go before I get left behind. Can’t skate home without a board.”

“Yeah,” you mumble, adjusting the backpack on your shoulder. “What’s he, like your brother or something?”

Max snorted. “Or something.”

Max waved a half-hearted goodbye and you watched after her a moment as she neared the car before you continued your search for Steve or his notoriously loud BMW.

“Who were you talking to?”

Max rolled her eyes, yanking the passenger door open. “Nobody.”

“Nobody?”

The doors slammed and the car came to life, music blaring from the radio as the car reversed and swung out of the lot. “Just some girl.”

Barbara’s parents welcome you, Nancy and Steve into their home, each week, with hopeful smiles. All of you, seated around the flowery table with your plates loaded with take-out chicken, chatting lightly about things that don’t matter. The table behind you is decorated with various mismatched frames, all of them photos of Barb, and you keep looking at them like her eyes, all pairs, some behind thick glasses, others young and carefree, all watching you. Like they know the secret that you, Nancy and Steve have been keeping the better part of a year.

Barbara Holland was dead. You knew this. Steve knew. Nancy knew. Others, too, but it was still somehow something that was guised under Missing. There was nothing ‘Missing.’ There were no footprints to follow. Barbara Holland was dead, but her parents still held the door open for the three of you, still held out hope that someday their daughter would come home.

“It means we’re going to find our Barb,” Mrs. Holland was saying.

You stuck your fork into the macaroni and cheese. Nancy and Steve exchanged looks.

“For the first time in a long time, we’re hopeful.”

Nancy slipped away from the table, disappearing into the bathroom. Steve cleared his throat, trying to retain a semblance of normalcy with the Hollands. You didn’t look up, staring hard at the barely-touched plate in front of you.

Hawkins had not been the same since last November. Things had changed, forever tainted by the things that had happened. Will Byers disappeared and seemingly came back from the dead. Barbara Holland was taken and did not come back. Monsters proved themselves to be very real, and not the kind you had seen under your bed and in your closet in your youth. In short, life in Hawkins, Indiana, had been completely turned upside down.

Tags Open

@mattysheelies @william-hargroves @killer-queen-xo @sallyp-53 @cloverrover @scud994 @nighttwingg @yaidothat @abiwebb12 @camillewester

#billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fanfiction #stranger things fanfic #billy x reader

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soundofseventeen · 5 years ago

Text

13 Days of Christmas (Lee Seokmin) (Featuring Astro’s Cha Eunwoo)

Today has been surprisingly decent, so let’s hope it stays that way for awhile!!!

Word count: 1789

“Eunwoo, stop following me and get back on the floor,” you hissed at him.

“But you were swamped with people and I know how to work the register too,” he smiled innocently. “It’s not like I’m trying to change your mind-”

“No,” you said firmly. “I’ve already told you I’m not going on any more blind dates because of what happened last time.”

“I’m not asking you anymore. Promise. But if you do say yes, I’m just saying.”

“Eunwoo, stop it now...or get to the point before I clock out.”

“Okay, okay. So listen, tomorrow night we’re going Christmas caroling-”

“What’s so fun about going around the neighborhood singing those irritating songs?”

“We’re going to the hospital and celebrating with everyone who has to be there just so they can forget about it.”

“Who’s we?” you asked him skeptically.

“It’s me, a few of us from a group chat at school and anyone who wants to come. That’s why I’m inviting you.”

“For some reason, I still don’t believe you.”

“Okay, fine. Don’t come. Disappoint me,” he feigned sadness, holding up a stuffed animal that he found wedged between some shelves. “Have it your way.” He walked, trudged rather, away from you, holding the poor pup close him and crushing it, sighing loudly.

“Fine Eunwoo, but you’re buying me dinner!”

“Great! I promise you Y/N, you won’t be disappointed!” He ran back to greet a customer who walked in while another came to check out with you.

“Hi, I’m Seokmin,” the bright eyed boy greeted you happily. “Are you here to help me sing the Christmas carols?”

“Yeah, I’m Y/N. I’m just waiting for Eunwoo. He said he was coming tonight.”

“Cha Eunwoo?”

“That’s him.”

“He’s not scheduled to come until Friday.” He looked confused for a moment. “He said he was coming with his group of friends. Tonight’s supposed to be just the duets.” Oh you were gonna kill him. The moment you saw him, it was over. “Really? He didn’t mention that.”

“ Oh. I mean, if you don’t wanna do it, I can do this by myself.”

If it wasn’t for that smile that you didn’t wanna get rid of, you would’ve readily agreed. “No, I’m already here. Show me all the songs you wanna get through tonight. I don’t have to work tomorrow.”

“Are you sure? You look really caught off guard by this.”

“It’s okay. It was probably a misunderstanding.” Or his infamous ploy to go on a blind date.

His smile widened and maybe, just maybe, you were gonna thank Eunwoo for knowing your weakness...right after you beat him with a stuffed animal

“Okay, so I was thinking we start from here to-” he began flipping pages and pointing to the songs he liked, “-and then we finish here. Maybe we can do like a song or two per room and work our way down the hall. Is that okay with you?”

You nodded. “ And what if I don’t know the words to some of them?”

“Just leave that to me. Just sing a little lower when you know you’re gonna stop knowing them and I’ll take it from there and then you can jump back once you know them again. Also,” he held up two water bottles, “I have these just in case your mouth gets dry. But they also have vending machines on the floor we’re going to.” He patted the guitar with his free hand. “Now, follow me.”

And as it turned out, Seokmin turned out to be an excellent singer and for that reason alone, you let him sing a lot more by himself than you joining in, but that could’ve also been your nerves. A lot of the patients welcomed for melodious voice and even joined in whether it was “Jingle Bells” or “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. His elf hat gave him extra points, especially when the little bells jingled happily. The kids and other patients who could roam freely followed you two as far as they could, making as much noise as possible as they could to get noticed. Seokmin would just point at them and let them take the lead...which made you stop functioning a couple of times.

Truthfully, with all of the fun you were having wooing everyone, you’d forgotten about Eunwoo, though you knew it’d be awhile until he got off the hook. Seokmin was a regular Santa Claus with all the joy and color he brought in those rooms. He only annoyed a handful of kids who would’ve rather been asleep and made a couple of newborn babies cry with the loudness, both of which he’d turn the color of your Santa hat and apologize for causing a disturbance. He finally called it quits after about two hours and led you to the hospital cafeteria to soothe your sore throat and get some food in your tummy. (He may have heard it growl a couple of times.)

However, instead of bringing you actual food, he surprised you with fruitcake and hot cocoa, both of which you couldn’t deny. He sat across from you and took a couple bites until he was satisfied. “Are you sure you’ve never done that?”

“Today was my first and only time doing it,” you admitted. “I don’t really have time for all of this. I’m usually either working or studying and hanging out with my friends so we can study. It was really fun. Do you do this often?”

“I try to.” He took off his hat and you did the same. “Mostly around this time. When I was younger, I broke my foot around this time of year, and it was so boring...and sad. There weren’t any drawings anywhere and no one talked about Santa Claus and a lot of the nurses didn’t even try to make it fun for us. They just gave us medicine and told us to sleep. I remember crying because I wanted to be home. I think I even spent Christmas at the hospital and that wasn’t fun, so I try to help out. I mean, you saw the kids and how happy they were, right?”

“It was very magical,” you agreed. “And the people here love you.”

“Right now they do. But when I drop in randomly, sometimes I think I annoy the nurses...well, the ones who don’t do their jobs and make kids smile.” He waved at someone and when you turned around you recognized him as one of the patients there as he ran to your table. “Hi buddy, did you enjoy the little concert?”

“Yeah! You guys were awesome! Thank you for making tonight fun for me. I have to go to surgery tomorrow and I was afraid but you helped me a lot.” Then he turned to you. “Thank you too. I’ve never seen you around but you made me happy.”

You were at a loss for words at the compliment, so you could only smile, trying not to blush right now in front of a cute guy you just met. “Hey Seokmin?”

“Yes Y/N?” He glanced up at you and blinked a few times and the little thing made you laugh. He high fived another patient who blew him a kiss and then ran away.

“This is really embarrassing to ask, but did Eunwoo tell you I was coming beforehand?”

He nodded. “He said you were really nice and really patient and that you work a lot so he wanted to make tonight fun for you.”

“And you agreed?”

“Well, he begged me to meet you and give you a chance-”

“I’m gonna kill him.”

“Please don’t kill any of my friends. I need as many as possible...just in case one of them gets tired of me.”

“He has been trying to get me to go on blind dates for the past month, and I finally said no. And then he pulls this.”

“Are you not having fun?” The sad look is there and he resembled a kicked puppy and you hated yourself for it.

“No, I am, but he’s very persistent. He’s really sweet, but I just think he wants to do double dates.” Or try to convince you about getting over your supposed crush on him.

“Wait, so are you the Y/N he’s been trying to set me up with?” He pulled two candy canes out of his pocket and handed you one. “Don’t tell the kids I had these leftover ones.” He blew on the hot chocolate and stirred it with the candy cane.

“It could be possible,” you admitted. “Wait, he’s been trying to set us up?” Had you been eating the fruitcake, you surely would’ve been choking on it by now.

“He’s mentioned you from time to time and I was really curious too, plus you kept turning the offers down.” He slipped his drink slowly. “But now that you’ve met me, the choice is up to you. Personally, I had a fun time with you, and if you’d like once the holidays are over, we can catch a movie or have dinner.”

“Ta-da,” you showed one of the customers the presents you managed to wrap for them despite the chaos of holiday shopping. The mom looked pleased despite the irritation from the loudness and thank you before dragging her kid off away to continue their shopping. “Hi, did you find everything okay?”

The downside of working in a crowded place was how hot you got easily, but right now taking off the Christmas sweater your manager convinced to wear wasn’t an option. You did take the Santa hat off though to get some air.

“There’s my favorite person,” Eunwoo said handing you a coffee as he clocked in. “So how’d it go?”

You ignored him, a smile spreading on your face to let him know you’d talk to him when you felt like it. He held back on his vital information, so why shouldn’t you? You let the remainder of your shift pass like that, only acknowledging him when it was work related. You could see the frown apparent on his face and you loved it. “Eunwoo, tell everyone I’m going on lunch! I’m hungry.”

“Are you really gonna not talk to me?” he whined. “DK said said he had a good time with you, but if you didn’t, I can just tell him you’re not interested.”

“Hey, Y/N,” you heard Seokmin yell at you from the entrance. He held up a fast food bag for you to see. “Are you coming? I’m starving!”

You turned to Eunwoo smugly. “Who said I wasn’t interested?” You waved at him. “We’re going around town looking at the lights later on.”

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letterboxd · 4 years ago

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How I Letterboxd #9: Julie Collette.

Christmas movie lover Julie Collette tells Jack Moulton all about her seasonal movie habits, the best big screen Santa Claus of all time, disability visibility in festive films, and some of the weirder holiday picks.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: when Letterboxd members turn to the Neverending Christmas List to help plan their Christmas movie viewing. Arrange it by highest rated, arrange it by newest release, or by popularity—any which way, there’s something for everyone, from corny TCM romances to obscure seasonal horrors.

Created six years ago by Canadian member Julie Collette, the list runs to more than 4,300 titles, and contains the word ‘Christmas’ 1,837 times at last count. Julie and her husband are die-hard Letterboxd fans, having allegedly used the platform every day for the past nine years. She’s logged every film she’s seen in theaters since 1996.

A message from John McClane in ‘Die Hard’ (1988).

What inspired your Neverending Christmas List? Can you please explain the minimum requirement for eligibility? My husband had told me about a list on Letterboxd of Every Horror Film Made from 1895–Present and that gave me the idea to start the neverending Christmas list. My eligibility rules are not strict at all. It can be a film that centers on or around Christmas time. Even New Year’s counts in my book—as long as there’s a moment in the film that has a Christmas song, a Christmas scene, or Christmas decorations. Die Hard is definitely a Christmas film. First of all, it takes place on Christmas Eve at an office Christmas party. There’s that great note that John McClane sends to Hans Gruber on a dead guy’s shirt: “Now I have a machine gun, ho-ho-ho.” Now that’s Christmas! There are a couple of titles that test my relaxed requirements. Examples would be Psycho—there are a few Christmas decorations at the beginning [and Bryan Fuller agrees]—and the documentary Beauty Day by Canadian director Jay Cheel, which has Christmas lights at the end.

And what percentage of the films have you seen? As of right now, I've watched 20 percent—that’s 882 of the 4,322 films on the list. I’ve got a lot of homework to do. Here’s a few hidden gems I recommend: Mon oncle Antoine, Holiday Affair, Remember the Night, Olivia, On the Twelfth Day…, Bing Crosby’s Merrie Olde Christmas and One Christmas, which is Katherine Hepburn’s last role.

David Bowie and Bing Crosby sing ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ in ‘Bing Crosby’s Merrie Old Christmas’ (1977).

When does your Christmas movie viewing season start? I usually start mid-November to try to keep up with the TV rom-coms because they start to air even before Hallowe’en. This year on Hallowe’en night we rewatched The Night of the Hunter and I had forgotten that there was a sequence that was set at Christmas time. It was a perfect segue between Hallowe’en and Christmas, so I started November 1st. As far as how I pick what to watch, I go through my list and randomly pick some. I try to watch as many first-time watches and mix up the genres. But the closer I get to Christmas, the more I want to watch my favorites—for the most part I go with the flow. Christmas Day is usually a day of family time, but I try to sneak in one favorite if I can.

What was the first Christmas film that got you into all of this? I’ve always loved Christmas and growing up I watched the yearly airings of vintage Christmas cartoons and A Muppet Family Christmas. When Home Alone came out it was an instant obsession, then Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was just as good. Even now it’s our yearly tradition for my husband and I to watch the Home Alones while we decorate the Christmas tree.

If not Home Alone, what is your all-time favorite Christmas film? It’s a Wonderful Life is up there for me. Partly because growing up I watched it every Christmas Eve and kind of forced my dad to watch it with me. I think he secretly didn’t mind. As a kid, I didn’t dwell on the sad parts of the story, I just wanted to go to that candy shop and run in Bedford Falls like George in that beautiful thick fake snow. Now as an adult, I appreciate the story about a small town coming together to support a man at his lowest of lows more. Jimmy Stewart is amazing as George Bailey and we can all see ourselves at some point in his journey in the film. The chemistry and comedic timing between Stewart and Donna Reed is one of the best. Every time they sing ‘Auld Lang Syne’, I always get a bit misty-eyed.

メリークリスマス Japanese style, in ‘Tokyo Godfathers’ (2003).

What have you noticed about the ways in which Christmas films have changed over the years? In classic Christmas storytelling, there are a lot more religion-centered ones like The Bishop’s Wife and It’s a Wonderful Life. The ’80s and ’90s were about the blockbusters that the whole family could enjoy; Batman Returns, Home Alone, and The Santa Clause. The last twenty years have brought us a lot of different movies, but I do find that the start of the 2000s had a better crop of Christmas movies; Love Actually, Elf, Tokyo Godfathers, Far from Heaven, Bridget Jones’s Diary, About a Boy and so many more. The last decade has been saturated by the rom-coms of Hallmark, Lifetime and their imitators, but from the last five years, a few stand out that could be destined to become Christmas classics: Carol, Little Women and The Night Before.

The best, most rewatched Christmas stories tend to be remade. Do you have a classic Christmas story that you always love, no matter who’s telling it? Hands down Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. From my favorite—Scrooge—to The Muppet Christmas Carol, to Scrooged. Growing up, I had the book of Mickey’s Christmas Carol and I loved the cartoon adaptation. I love to see the different actors’ excitement and elation at the end when Scrooge wakes up on Christmas Day. My ultimate favorite is Alistair Sim in 1951’s Scrooge. He’s so jubilant asking the maid what day it is and wishing himself Merry Christmas in the mirror. It’s a bit darker than others. When I was a kid, the intro with Jacob Marley and the build-up of the chains scared me, but I couldn’t stop watching. Patrick Stewart’s Ebenezer [in the 1999 TV movie] is also great for his relief that he survived the journey through time. What an actor! An honorable mention to The Shop Around the Corner, In the Good Old Summertime and You’ve Got Mail, which are all based on [the 1937 Hungarian play Parfumerie by Miklós László].

A Christmas Treat in ‘Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square’ (2020).

Treat Williams stars in not one but two of this season’s films (who knew he could sing?!). Which actors bring that special spark to festive films for you? Yes, and boy can he sing! Another actor who can sing and puts me straight in the Christmas mood is Bing Crosby. Those classic songs in White Christmas and Holiday Inn are favorites of mine. Jimmy Stewart is an obvious one. He has that charm that’s perfect for Christmas movies, especially in The Shop Around the Corner.

What’s your guiltiest pleasure on the list? Why do we love cheesy movies so much?! Every year I watch TCM’s Classic Christmas marathon [but I also watch] the Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas rom-coms. For me, I love them partly because there’s always a happy ending. I love to see all the decorations and all the cute small towns—some I wish existed so I could visit them because they’re so darn cute! Another reason I love them is the nostalgia, as some of the better ones star TV actors from the ’90s and ’00s like Candice Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert, Jonathan Bennett, Adrian Grenier, Mario Lopez, Alicia Witt, Alison Sweeney and so many others.

One of the other great Christmas-themed lists on Letterboxd is the one about Christmas movie posters with white heterosexual couples wearing red and green—though many members pride themselves on having seen none of them. I like those movies because I can zone out and enjoy the predictable Christmas ride. However, like other Letterboxd members, I know that these aren’t Oscar-caliber films—though some are better than others! I’m glad that the powers that make these movies are starting to be more inclusive with more POC and LGTBQ+ characters. As a wheelchair user with a physical disability, I was happy to see that Lifetime has an upcoming one called Christmas Ever After, starring Ali Stroker.

Ali Stroker finds love in ‘Christmas Ever After’ (2020).

Indeed, our Make the Yuletide Gay list is an attempt to highlight queer festive films, but the pickings have been slim. Yes, very slim. There’s been queer characters in Christmas films but it’s your stereotypical gay friend or something like that. This year I feel there’s a shift in the air to be more inclusive. My favorites this year so far have been the star-filled lesbi-rom-com Happiest Season, The Christmas House—featuring a landmark first gay couple in a Hallmark festive film, Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square and Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey—with Ricky Martin! I’m looking forward to checking out A New York Christmas Wedding, The Christmas Setup and Dashing in December.

What is the scariest Christmas film that your horror-loving husband has made you watch? The best one is Black Christmas. I love that it’s female-centered and ahead of its time in their portrayals. The killer’s POV really gets me into it and still to this day puts me on edge, so much so that an ornament fell off our tree while watching it this year and it freaked me out!

Also, should we be watching The Nightmare Before Christmas on Hallowe’en or on Christmas? I watch The Nightmare Before Christmas on both holidays so you get the best of both worlds—the ghoulishness of Hallowe’en and the merriment of Christmas!

What other films on your list show Christmas in an unusual light? The first weird one that popped to mind is The Star Wars Holiday Special. That was weird! Also, from what I’ve watched I would say Eyes Wide Shut, The Ref and 3 Godfathers are not your usual Christmas films. I do have quite a few on the list I have to watch that seem weird and unusual like Elves, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny and Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

[Editor’s note: Previous How I Letterboxd interviewee Dave Vis urges you not to watch Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny under any circumstances.]

Which actor is the quintessential Santa Claus? For me, it’s the Santa in Miracle on 34th Street, played by Edmund Gwenn. He truly embodied the part in the way he plays Kris Kringle. The gentleness and innocence he shows throughout the film is magical. It’s no wonder he won a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance.

Gunn Wållgren in ‘Fanny and Alexander’ (1982).

Of course, so many films in the Christmas canon are American films. What are some of the best Christmas films from around the world? This question makes me realize I haven’t watched enough Christmas movies from around the world. With that being said here’s a few; A Christmas Tale from France, A Child’s Christmas in Wales from the UK, Tokyo Godfathers from Japan and Ingmar Bergman’s Fanny and Alexander from Sweden. Mon oncle Antoine is a great Canadian film set in a small mining village during Christmas. It reminded me of the stories my mom and grandma talked about their Christmas traditions in their small village.

Are there any overrated classics you want to protest? I didn’t watch A Christmas Story growing up, so when I finally did watch it as an adult, I didn’t connect with it. The iconic scenes are funny and all, but it’s just okay. Now I’ll be on my hubby’s naughty list!

Does the film marathon continue through that purgatory week between Christmas and New Year? Do you have any film-related traditions to ring in the New Year? It does continue during that week to a certain extent. Some years after Christmas I’m done and what I haven’t watched goes to the following year but other years I can watch a few more and not feel overwhelmed. On New Year’s we have no traditions per se, but this year we might do a Tarantino marathon.

Christmas season is also synonymous with awards season. You keep track of a lot of Academy Awards history. How are you feeling about the awards season this year? First off, like many others, I haven’t even set foot in a theater this year and that is sad. I hope that the theater-going experience is not irreparably damaged. One good thing that came from the pandemic is film festivals streamed online and we were fortunate to watch some great titles from TIFF from the comfort of our home in September. I saw Nomadland, and it’s going to be a frontrunner for many of the main categories. I hope Regina King’s One Night in Miami gets some love. Miranda July’s Kajillionaire script is so unique—Evan Rachel Wood and Richard Jenkins should be contenders. I haven’t watched a lot of docs yet but Boys State stands out. I’m also eager to see First Cow, Minari, Ammonite, The Truffle Hunters, Soul, Mank, The Father and Promising Young Woman.

This Christmas is going to be weird for a lot of people. What’s one film you’d recommend for a guaranteed happiness injection? Weird indeed. If I have to pick just one it would be John Favreau’s Elf. Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf instantly brings a smile to my face. You can feel his joy for Christmas from start to finish. From the classic claymation, to New York City at Christmas, to eating all that sugar, to that hilarious scene with Peter Dinklage—it’s Christmas gold!

And finally, are there some other Letterboxd members you recommend we follow? Emily, Flurryheaven, Guyzo997, Peter Spencer, Michael Dean, Brent Vanhomwegen, Ara Hiddleston and also some more Christmas lists.

#letterboxd #how i letterboxd #letterboxd community #letterboxd culture #letterboxd members #christmas #christmas films #christmas movies #holiday movies #holiday films #jack moulton

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blueyesandleatherjacket · 5 years ago

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The Fallen, 1/17

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 1/17.

Pairings: Nine x Rose.

A/N: Written for Whumptober. Shaky Hands (D1), Explosion (D2), Delirium (D3), Gun Point (D5). Tagging @thebookster on her demand.

“We've all fallen, but at the same time we're not broken. There is the hint that we are going to get up again.” - Amy Lee.

CHAPTER 1:

Bradley Lewis was used to seeing extraordinary things in this world, things that didn’t belong here. Many would call him a liar. Many already did. He was laughing at their faces. As if their opinions ever had any importance to him. He had stopped listening to them a long time ago. Many were pointing at him when they saw or heard him. To them, he was just another waste polluting the streets, a young man who had given up on his studies to focus on the incredible imagination and scientific knowledge he had been gifted with. What use were they to him now? They had no idea and showing them would lead him into deep troubles. His friends were nicknaming him Brad Speed in reference to his first name and to his activities. Bradley was cooking a particular kind of drugs called Speedball in the streets. It was a perfect blend of cocaine and heroin. He had been a junkie before, had tried many drugs but could never find the drug… until he used his knowledge to create the ultimate one. His hands were shaking in the cold night of Manchester. He plunged them in the pockets of his coat. They were stuffed with deliveries he had to do tonight. His usual delivery guy had vanished into thin air with hundreds of pounds of merchandise. If Bradley ever found him, he would be a dead man for sure. Until then, he was doing his own deliveries. It wasn’t without risks. It never was, especially with undercover cops. Bradley was placing all his hopes on Christmas Eve to go unnoticed among people rushing to get the last things done, to go to the place where family and friends were gathered. People were waiting for him too but it wasn’t to celebrate the birth of God’s son with pagan rituals. He was Santa Claus in a way. A Father Christmas generously paid. He was the most expensive on the market but the quality of his products made the price worth it. The addiction made people come back to him for more and, like every dealer, he was diluting it. They were coming back quicker. Bradley glanced up at the dark sky and took a deep breath. The atmosphere was saturated with anxiety, excitation, joy and general good mood, with smells of food floating out of every house and every flat of the district, with Christmas songs. It was filling him with happiness. He smiled at the sky. He liked it. However, there was a hint of something spoiling this joyful night. Something dark and powerful. It gave him the chills. No one else seemed to feel it. And yet, it was everywhere. It was like a spider web slowly being weaved. Each thread was connecting to each other in an attempt to catch a prey. Who was it tonight? Was it him, the perfectly aware of the trap? Or one of those people wandering around unaware of the danger? There were still a lot of people outside. It could fall on anyone. Warning them would be useless. They would look at him as if he was crazy. It wouldn't be the first time but with the fact that something terrible was about to happen, it was frustrating. He remembered that feeling. He had experienced it before. The feeling of utter terror. He hadn’t felt this in a long while. He hadn’t missed it. That was one of the reasons he had stopped taking drugs. You couldn’t be the chemist and the junkie. He had made a choice, the choice of being clean so others could get high. The higher they got, the richer he was. Everyone thought he was a tramp but he actually had a very nice flat in the richest district of Manchester. Tonight, this money, this knowledge of sciences wasn’t preventing him from trembling. He was standing still, in the dark street. The street lights were spreading a soft glow on the pavements but obscurity was gaining ground. Anything could stand in the shadows. He was well aware of that fact. He also operated in the dark. So were the worst demons. His hallucinations always came out of the obscurity. But he was totally clean and sober. He couldn’t be in that condition anymore. His legs refused to move. His muscles were tensed to the point it was painful. The streets all around were desert, and the silence was adding to the thick atmosphere. It was hard to breathe. The exact same condition he was experiencing in his nightmares, in his hallucinations. He was expecting to see it, the golden Wolf. It would come out of the shadows and jump on him. He didn’t know where this image was coming from but it had been haunting him for years. He was a young boy when it first appeared to him. Many therapists had hit the brick wall on its meaning. Later, the drugs had reinforced his fear and materialised the Wolf. He hadn’t seen it again since he was clean but tonight… The first sign showed up as expected. It was a thread of golden light floating in the air. It was beautiful and powerful and terribly dangerous. Bradley stopped breathing. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t get in his system. There were more and more of them, gathering in the air like a poisoned fog. It grew until the whole street was filled and then, it exploded. It made no sound and yet, it was deafening. His ears were ringing, his eardrums were suffering the aftermath of the powerful explosion. It was as if there had been a gas leak, except there was no smell, no fire, no damages. Instead, there was just a man. He was standing there, looking at his hands that were glowing with that strange golden light that had filled the air a couple seconds earlier. Where had he come from? Was he born from this mini big bang? It seemed like the only answer. He was unaffected by the power this light was clearing. He wasn’t paralyzed. He looked scared but not for the same reasons that made Bradley terrified. This man knew what this golden light was, what it was doing to him, and that was what was frightening him. He glanced up and Bradley was struck. Suddenly, he was stuck like a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights. This man’s eyes were burning as bright as his hands. The golden Wolf was here. It didn’t have the shape of the ferocious animal that had been haunting his dreams. No, the Wolf of his dreams was actually a man. The man titled his head back, his eyes now showing their flames to the dark sky, and let out a roar so lout that the ground and walls trembled. Bradley hadn’t moved. He couldn’t. He was as fascinated as terrified. He had a strange feeling. Time was not acting as usual. There was something different. A feeling of stillness as well as acceleration, a feeling of time happening all at once before his eyes while it was frozen all around him and the man. It was as cool as unbearable. He couldn’t get a grip on time and it was so quick, so raw, so brutal that his whole body was suffering from severe failures. His head was burning and his mind was screaming the same words over and over again: ‘I’m the Bad Wolf. I create myself.’ It was a litany, a song, a memory. Bradley closed his eyes pressed his hands on his ears, wishing for it to be done already. It was worse than the worst of his nightmares. He wanted to wake up from this, wake up in the comfort and safety of his bedroom. All of a sudden, it was all over. The lights, the voice, the pressure. Bradley fell on his knees. The distinct thumb that followed informed him that the man had fallen too. He was scared to go and check on him. Himself was shaking, panting, just by being caught in the diameter of this power’s field of action. This man was the epicentre. He probably was dead. But he had to check. It was the normal thing to do as a human. Even as a terrified human. His legs were wobbly when he stood up. He reeled to the middle of the streets where the man was now laying still. “Sir?” Bradley called out. The man showed no reaction to the sound of his voice. It sounded muffled. The explosion had hurt his ears for real. He spoke louder. Was it a reaction he had seen? The fingers had moved. Bradley walked closer. The man opened his eyes wide. No more golden light. Just a bloke who appeared out of the blue. He sat up straight, Bradley stepped back. He looked crazy, feverish. High. “Are you okay?” Bradley swallowed when the man darted his eyes on him. He meant nothing hostile but Bradley took another step back. Just a precaution. He was up on his feet now. Old ripped jeans, a shirt that had seen better days. No shoes. No ID papers. “Do you know someone called Rose Tyler?” Bradley shook his head. The man was annoyed and disappointed by this answer and the urgency and barely hidden panic in his voice was making the situation look really serious. Whoever was this Rose Tyler and whatever this man had to do with her, it was important. “That’s the wrong place,” he babbled. “Right time but wrong place. I need to get to London now.” “It’s Christmas Eve, sir.” “Especially because it’s Christmas Eve! I gotta find her before… It’s not right. It’s not right at all. Can’t you see it? Are all humans as stupid as you?!” The man continued his angry ramble and suddenly, he was running away. Bradley didn’t move, didn’t run after him. Whatever drug he was taking, it was a strong one. The man was in a deep delirium. The comedown would be hard for him. Bradley should have called someone, the police or an ambulance. This man needed help obviously. But he couldn’t take the risk of getting caught with drugs on him. And how would he explain what had happened earlier? They would throw him with the crazy guys in one of the NHS in town. Or in jail. He had to avoid that so he played selfish and left without a word about this man.

“Sir, I’m gonna ask you to stop and turn around with your hands above your head.” Ashes were falling from the sky, covering the ground with white flakes, imitating snow. It smirked but stopped running on this soft ground. It was giving this human police officer a semblance of power but it was the one with all the cards. His host had reached London too late, and the Powell Estate even later. Hours too late. He had knocked on Jackie’s door, been called names and slapped and kicked out by the terrible Jackie. He couldn’t tell if Rose was there or if she had gone back with the new Doctor but Jackie was obviously blaming him for something. He had tried to warn her, to let her know about the situation but couldn’t place a word. The older Tyler had been in power and he couldn’t get to Rose. He couldn’t tell her. This had thrown him in such a rage that he had lost himself to the entity living inside him. Now, it was in control, using his body to do as it pleased. Something he wasn’t delighted with. “Turn around. Hands up.” As if it was ever gonna happen. This officer was just a toy in its hands. It loved being in control. It could make this man disappear in just a snap of fingers. Just like that. It was held up though. The consciousness of his host, the reminder of thousands lives already gone were weighing heavy on his shoulders. It sighed heavily and surrendered to its reasonable side. It raised its hands nonchalantly and turned around with a broad smile on its face. “Is there a problem, officer?” Its eyes were shining with that golden glow. The officer moved backward in an almost unnoticeable way but it did notice it. That man was feeling the threat behind this raggedy looks. Good. He would be prudent. He wouldn’t provoke the wrath of a stranger in the dark. English police officers were unarmed which was both good and bad. Even if he was armed and pointing a gun at him now, what could a bullet do to something that could dissolve it before it was fired. “A woman called to tell us that a man was harassing her. You match her description.” The smile was gone, replaced by an expression of profound disgust. Jackie. She had sent the cops after him. Cops. Us. There were several officers. So why was there only one before him? There must be another one somewhere around. Cops always worked in team of two. Its senses were on alert. If there was a threat – beside itself – it wouldn’t be taken by surprise. “Ah.” He faked a sad smile. “Jackie Tyler, innit? Her daughter just broke up with me. I was trying to talk to her but Jackie kicked me out. Calling the police was another one of her excessive reactions.” “You don’t look like someone who has been dumped recently.” It shrugged. The police officer was cleverer than he looked. It pretended to be really affected and unable to know how to feel about the end of this relationship that had been so addictive to him. It apologised for the bother. It wouldn’t happen again. It lowered his arms slowly. They were done. It could go. It was about to turn around when it lost the control. The anger was gone. He was back and desperate and weak. His legs gave way and he collapsed to the ground. “It’s in my head. In our heads. The Wolf. The Wolf. The Bad Wolf. It’s not gone. It’s still there. I need the Doctor. I need to tell Rose. The Bad Wolf isn’t gone.” He went on and on until exhaustion hit him. He fought it. He couldn’t fall asleep. Not now. The situation was critical. He had to tell Rose. They had to let the Doctor know. But the darkness took over and he was out.

To be continued...

×××

English version:

AO3 || TS.

#doctor who #ninth doctor #rose tyler #bad wolf #doctor x rose #dw fic #the fallen

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dappercritter · 6 years ago

Note

You have been granted the oppurtunity to recast your favorite animated movie! The only catch is that each of the characters in said movie are animated characters from different shows/movies (X from show/movie is Bob, X from show/movie is Larry, ect.)

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boi. You have no idea what you’ve just unleashed, my friend!

Once long ago, before the Cringe Ages, I loved recasting my favourite and sometimes least favourite movies with characters from my favourite shows. But then I started taking storytelling more seriously and sentimentally and… art-y, and I started acting as if I was above the stuff somehow. To this day, I still don’t know whether to blame the masses or my own hubris.

But now! Now, the floodgates of my childish, innocent mind are open once more! And I have just the idea: The Nightmare Before Christmas but with Villainous and Batman* characters! (With a few CN villains on the side.) So, I guess you could call it…

The Villainous Nightmare Before Batman!

(No, wait. Uhhhhh…)

The Dark Knight Before Villainous!

Ok, yeah, that should do.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Dapper Critter, what are you doing this? Sure, Batman meets Villainous could work, but why are you bringing The Nightmare Before Christmas into this? It’s not even Halloween or Christmas! What are you thinking?!” Well, first of all, Christmas and Halloween aren’t just holidays, they’re states-of-mind. Second, I think it’s time you guys learned something important: I’m a big ol’ lowkey goth baby, baby! If it’s spooky or gothic, I’ll soak it up like a sponge in sink full of soapy water. And nothing says gothic like the hero of a city literally called “Gotham,” a show with a grotesque monster hiding behind the guise of a well-dressed man, and the classic story of Jack Skellington himself! What’s more, all three of these hold a special place in my heart, as they all played a huge part in helping me develop and realize my interest in gothic culture. Lastly, I can see the worlds of these three stories coming together quite easily. Behold, this plot pitch I just made!

“Another Halloween has come and gone in CN City, and another cheerful Christmas is on its way. Black Hat, unofficial master of all that is dark and evil, is thoroughly disgusted that the multiverse will soon be returning to it’s obnoxiously cheerful and wholesome state. He morosely tears a hole through time and space to talk a walk through reality, miserable that he’s stuck living in such a wonderful place. That is until he stumbles upon the city of Gotham, where no matter what time of year it is, the streets are filled with misery and malicious mayhem. Delighted, he sets out to celebrate Christmas his own way: by taking a certain caped-crusader out of the picture and making Gotham his very own holiday vacation home! Little does he know, there’s one special girl who thinks he can celebrate right where he is, as well as a certain clown who’s got his own sinister Christmas party in mind…”

So now that I’ve convinced you, I think it’s time we got down to the actual recasting! Let’s begin, my darling children of the Hot Topic night…

Black Hat as Jack Skellington: This couldn’t have been easier—they’re both creepy gentlemen with excellent taste in fashion. Yes, I know Black Hat is a lot less nice than our dear Pumpkin King, but let’s just say this story takes the odd liberty here and there. Not to mention, Black Hat could easily match Jack’s enthusiasm, intelligence, style, and obsessive inquisitions. Plus, he could totally pull off an evil Santa suit. (Though to be honest, I’m not sure if his snarling, slimy, cockney-accented voice could match Danny Elfman’s melodious singing.)

Demencia as Sally: A devoted, mildly ghoulish, and totally cute fangirl who’s always pining after their darling idol, and who may or may not have been made in a lab? It’s like this fancast is writing itself! Demencia might be a bit more proactive—and scary—in the plot, but I can see her a lot Sally’s dilemma in her as she tries to get Black Hat to notice her and not to abandon them in pursuit of a crazy dream. (Well, that I’m filthy Lizardhat trash.)

Dr. Flug as Dr. Finklestein: Flug, being the only mad scientist who’s employed by Black Hat, as well as the only to survive this, seems like a good pick. Sure, he’s not in a wheelchair and, no, he’s not as creepy as the bugger, but he could still work as our horrid hero’s right-hand man. Plus, since a big part of his canon character is putting up with Demencia’s BS (tell my family that means “baloney-sandwich”), he’d also do great as the one trying to keep the free-spirited love interest under control. Only here, it would be because he’s trying to keep Dem out of trouble so she doesn’t make his boss mad and try to kill him, as opposed to… whatever Finklestein’s problem is. And of course, he can still be menacing if need be. (Just watch the Lost Cases of Townsville and The Tree House…)

5.0.5. as Zero: A cute animal sidekick is a cute animal sidekick, I always say! And 5.0.5. was basically designed to be the ultimate cutesy animal sidekick. Therefore, he can be basically do anything Zero did. Try to cheer up Black Hat? Check. Pull Black Hate’s sleigh? Why couldn’t he? Yeah, he can’t be a flying ghost dog with a glowing nose, but I could just throw bedsheet on him (it was just after Halloween after all) and maybe say he swallowed that anti-gravity device.

Batman as Santa Claus: For Santa Clause, I needed someone who could be the absolute good guy in a world filled with bad guys and weirdos, much like Santa was in the movie. Likewise, since Jack kidnapped Santa to take over Christmas, Black Hat would need to kidnap the guy in charge of Gotham in order to take it for himself. So, of course he’s going to go after it’s #1 protector. I can also see Batman being the voice of reason in this madcap story. Not to mention that he could pull off a Santa suit even better than Black Hat! (In fact…)

The Joker as Oogie Boogie: This one I had some trouble with. I kept asking myself stuff like, “who would be brave enough to usurp Black Hat?,” “who could match Oogie’s siz—er, presence?” or “who would want to kidnap Santa Claus?,” and “Who would be into gambling and crazy funhouse stuff?” And then it came to me: The Joker. I mean, he’s got charisma, a sense of menace, he’s a cutthroat who loves to play with his enemies, and almost always has a big ol’ amusement park deathtrap on hand. Sure, he wouldn’t have the creepy demise like Oogie, but he could get a good beating and traumatizing from Black Hat and/or Demencia (who’d really hate being a damsel in distress, I imagine).

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane as Lock, Shock, and Barrel: At first, I thought of using other Batman villains or Shannon, Darrell, and Ernesto from OK K.O.!, but then I thought it would make more sense to have child villains from a CN show who could do bad things for slime-balls like Black Hat and Joker with pleasure. I instantly thought of these scheming, little monsters from Codename: Kids Next Door (an old favourite of mine). Although they’re usually talk and act in unison, they could have some comical bickering now and then. (After all, “Lenny is an idiot.”) Likewise, I can see Black Hat using Batman’s affinity for young people to get him while his guard’s down. They could make for great trick r’ treaters as well!

Lord Boxman as The Mayor: The mayor wasn’t a very important character, but he was definitely a memorable one, and the first character I thought of who could match his dual personality was Lord Boxman from OK K.O.! They both act like leaders but are really terrible at their jobs, suck up to better villains, and throw a whimpering tantrum like nobody else. (Also, I get to imagine Jim Cummings singing lines from The Nightmare Before Christmas songs, so that’s nice.)

Various CN Villains as The Citizens of Halloween Town: Like with The Mayor and the Trick R’ Treaters, I like to think that the various CN villains who cameoed in the Villainous Orientation series would show up as the denizens of the seedier side of CN City which—as you probably guessed—would be standing in for Halloween Town. Unfortunately, I do not have an encylcopediac knowledge of either Halloween Town residents, nor CN villains, so I’ll just list the ones I can remember and am the most proud of without offering any real justification.

Nohyas as Mr. Hyde: I couldn’t think of anyone besides Black Hat with a fancy hat or smaller versions of himself. Nohyas just so happens to have a suitable villain’s hat, and Handre (his hand puppet) could work in place of tiny clones living under his hats. (And yes, I like Mighty Magiswords. Deal with it.)

Zombozo as Clown with the Tear-Away Face: I don’t believe all creepy clowns look the same, but a ghoulish clown could easily stand in for another. Plus, I used to be a big Ben 10 fan, so I thought I ought to work something in.

Donny as Behemoth: This grass ogre from Adventure Time was more of an outright jerk than Behemoth, but he has a softer side so that would make him a great candidate for a resident gentle giant.

Loony Toons’ Dracula, Billy and Mandy’s Dracula, and Count Spankula as The Vampire Brothers: Do I really need to explain this one?

The Red Guy as Devil: I sure don’t need to elaborate on this one.

The Gangreen Gang as the Zombie Band: The Gangreens were basically based off edgy bands of the late 90’s, and thanks to Gorillaz, we know Ace can play the bass like a boss. Also, I can totally hear Ace saying, “Nice work, bone-daddy.”

Earl (AKA Dopey Black Hat) as Igor: Earl doesn’t get enough to do, inside or outside of Villainous canon.

The Beast as The Hanging Tree: Yeah, I know, I’m messed-up.

HIM as Harlequin Demon: Seriously, this one cast itself!

The Queen of the Black Puddle as Undersea Gal: I don’t watch Courage the Cowardly Dog much, but I remember seeing this villainess once before and I instantly thought she’d be a dead-ringer!

Morbidia and Gateaux as The Witches: Another natural casting derived from my soft spot for Mighty Magiswords. Although Gateaux is a male and a tall one at that, he’s perfect for being a huge suck-up. (I originally considered Miss Endive from Chowder and Duchess from Fosters’ Home for Imaginary Friends, but then I remembered that no matter what they dressed-up as, they’d be unlikeable.)

Monstrous Black Hat as The Monster Under the Bed: Like Earl and the other Black Hat clones, he doesn’t get enough love. (Though this may be a good thing, since he seems too nasty to receive or return it…)

Rob as The Melting Man: There aren’t a lot of CN villains who are melting, per se, but I figured this poor bad guy from Amazing World of Gumball and his unique media-mixed malformity could work.

Biowolf as The Wolfman: Because they’re both well designed wolfmen and I refuse to forget Generator Rex.

The Robins, Batgirl, and Alfred as the Elves: If Batman’s going to be Santa, then his support staff/family might as well be his helpers. Not to mention, they’d look great in cute little elf outfits happily working on Batman’s gadgets in preparation for the big Christmas crime wave.

The Justice League as The Army: Someone needs to show up to shoot-down Black Hat and his idea of Christmas at the end, and since he’s kidnapped Batman, I think it only makes sense that the Justice League would retaliate and come to clean up Black Hat’s mess. He’d also get a reminder that he isn’t just in Gotham City, he’s in the DC universe.

Unikitty as The Easter Bunny: I have my reasons. Them being, Unikitty is good at being sweet and innocent, the episode “Batkitty,” and her world is one of the few Black Hat has interacted with so far. I like to think that’s because he’s too repulsed by her cuteness to touch it. So imagine his reaction when the Delightful Children bring him to her by accident while she’s cosplaying as LEGO Batman or something.

And there you have it! I had a lot of fun making this recast. It was a great way to step out of my comfort zone and to have some fun. Not to mention, I had an excuse to listen to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack early. I sincerely hope you like it as much as I do, @good-guy-is-alive!

Now I just need to make sure Black Hat himself doesn’t see this, or else he might find me and—

Oh no.

No, please, Mister Black Hat, sir, you don’t understand. I just was doing this for fun. I wasn’t trying to make you look—

OH NO.

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOjglkajgflkjdshGH;LJF’W abfklghlfuGFARGTADS!!!#%RQ#@!

…

*Since DC changes their Batman shows like people change their socks, we’ll just say that this is your standard DCAU/Bruce Timmverse Batman.

#goodguy #goodguyisalive #critter asks #critter answers #the nightmare before christmas #villainous #batman #dc comics #cartoon network #self-indulgence #recast #fancast

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gutterdreams · 7 years ago

Text

Peacekeeper PT 1 [Billy Hargrove]

Word Count: 5.2k. Disclaimer: I don’t own Stranger Things or the GIF used below.

I also don’t know if this is any good. I don’t know. Be nice. I hope you enjoy.

There was a long list of reasons why Billy's life was better since you two started seeing one another and number nine was that you relieved him of most of his babysitting responsibilities when it came to Max. In fact, Susan seemed to prefer you to be the one hanging out with her daughter on a weekend night than her fiery-tempered stepbrother. You had expected that this Saturday Billy would stay at his house with you while his dad and Susan drove out of town to have dinner with a few couples from Neil's work, but he opted to go to Tommy's place and trash the basement with his buddies. He said he would be back before eleven so you two could fool around against his dresser, but you knew that Billy had a penchant for losing track of time when he was with his friends.

You weren't surprised when eleven o'clock came and went without Billy so much as calling. He was out, having a good time, and would surely make up for it tomorrow. You also weren't surprised when the front door started to unlock with jingling keys and soft whispers just a few minutes before one in the morning. Billy seemed to have inherited his lack of punctuality from his father. Neil and Susan stepped through the door, one after the other, with bright smiles, rosy cheeks, and quiet 'hello's'. Out of reflex, you took your feet down from their couch and stood up, turning off the television that you had been mindlessly watching with the volume low. “Sorry, we're a little late.” Susan sincerely told you as she slipped off her pastel heels. “The roads are slippery.” Whether or not that was the truth, you didn't mind and wiped your hand through the air in front of your face to let her know that. “Max asleep?” “Yeah, she's out. We had a lot of fun though.” Mostly, you two just talked and ate pizza. Max always rolled her eyes when she was told she was being babysat. She was thirteen after all, but it was nice for her to have one on one time with you. She could actually talk to you about Lucas or things that she otherwise felt embarrassed to ask. It wasn't as if she could ask you what sex felt like or talk about how cute Lucas was when he laughed at his own jokes in front of Billy. You two had sat on opposite ends of the couch and chatted most of the night while Rhinestone played on the TV as background noise. “Thanks again for doing this on short notice.” They had only asked you the night before when you were standing in their doorway, doing up your coat, and waiting for Billy to get ready so you guys could go to the community centre skating rink. Billy was horrible on a pair of skates, but he went because he promised you that he would and Tommy and Carol would be there anyway with a flask in their respective jackets. “It's no problem. I like it.” “And Billy likes it too.” Neil joked even if it a slight dug at his son. Even though it was unreasonable, Neil wanted so badly for his boy to want to babysit Max, to want to be her big brother. “Well, it's nice for him to get to go out with his buddies.” You shrugged mindlessly, trying to defuse any sparks before they could transform into a fire. “I thought he would be here by now. So I'm just going to call a cab.” If he had come at eleven like he said he would, Billy could have had time to sober up, but you knew now that by the time he got home that he would be drunk. It bothered you that he drove himself around when intoxicated, but you had given up trying to control him. It only ever brought his beer breath roaring in your face. All you could do was refuse to be a passenger in his car when he was wasted. “Nonsense.” Neil shook his head at you with a look that suggested you were insane. “I'll drive you home.” He still had his shoes and coat on, standing close to the door as you adjusted the bottom of your shirt over your navy blue leggings. It was a strange instinct, but you looked at Susan and she just nodded with support. There was a slight knot in your stomach that told you to stay still, to insist on calling for a cab or even calling your older brother, Jack. Neil played with the keys in his hand and, like a dog listening to the bell of it's leash, you walked in that direction, grabbing your purse off their recliner as you did. “Bye, Susan.” She was headed to Max's bedroom to check on her daughter, make sure she was actually asleep, but she gave you a half smile and slipped a palm up as a silent goodbye. Walking a few paces ahead of you, Neil opened up the car door to the seat that Susan most often occupied, sometimes Max on the occasional time he took her to school and drove her to see a friend, and waited for you to slide in.

“Will we see you tomorrow?” As soon as Neil was behind the steering wheel, he asked making polite conversation. He started up the car and backed out quickly, without so much as glancing behind himself, making it very clear who taught Billy how to drive. “For dinner?” You checked, just to make sure you were both on the same page. “Yeah, as long as that's still okay.” “Absolutely, we love having you around.” Neil confirmed with a jolly laugh. The unsettling feeling in your stomach hadn't subsided in the slightest, not even now as Neil was talking to you like he was a mall Santa Claus. You wondered if it was because you'd been around him when he was talking down to your boyfriend or you had been the one sitting with a drunk Billy in your basement bathroom as he babbled on and on about how he couldn't remember the last time his dad smiled at him or how he called him a loser just that morning. It was hard to feel comfortable with someone who had hurt the person you cared for the most. “I don't know what you see in Billy, but I'm glad you do.” Just like that, Neil dug at Billy. The conversation wasn't even on the curly haired boy, but he just couldn't resist a cheap jab. It didn't feel right to dignify the conversation by continuing it. You allowed Neil to have his little laugh at Billy's expense and sat there quietly with your hands between your bare knees. As you watched fields stretch wide outside the window, you told yourself that Neil was just trying to be nice. It wasn't as if you two had much in common outside of the fact that you both knew Billy. “Actually, Billy's a really great boyfriend.” You worked up the courage to break the silence and say. “And I know you might not get to see it, but he cares about Max in his own way.” Neil nodded, seemingly amused by your comment. He reached over and pat your knee, just once and you felt the peach fuzz that kept your body warm stand up straight. His hand left your knee as quickly as it had come down, but then it didn't leave. He pat it twice and let it rest right there on your boney knee cap with your eyes viciously glued down to the lines in the second and third knuckles of his fingers and at his trimmed and clean nail edges.

When you were a very little girl, no more than three, you remembered your parents telling you what to do if a van pulled up and someone driving it asked you for directions. As you grew up, the details started to follow the warnings. Your mom made it abundantly clear to you that you needed to make it clear you were uncomfortable if a man ever crossed a line with you, touched you in a way you were not okay with, or was trying to do anything without your consent. Each time, she would try to prepare you, you would nod to agree and think that she was crazy. It felt like advice you didn't need, but now, as you sat frozen and uncomfortable, you wished you had, maybe, listened better. This wasn't at all the way you thought you would react. Preparing yourself with a shallow inhale, you clenched your knees even tighter together and pointed them toward the door handle and away from him. The hint was unreceived or unaccepted. Neil just kept his hand right there and you watched closely to make sure it hadn't moved an inch either North or South. Your heart was racing, but not in a good way, not in the way that Billy made it flutter when he would take your hand instinctively in his, when he would mention that he heard a song he thought you might like, or look at you with melting blue eyes that only saw you in the hallway. Instead it was beating over top of the sick feeling in your stomach, in a way that practically screamed 'Get out of the fucking car!' “I know he's a good boyfriend.” Squeezing your skin under his hand, Neil chuckled and assured you. It was almost comforting for a moment. “Our walls are very thin.”

If Neil said another word, it didn't register through your ears or in your brain. Your eyes fluttered blank as you kept them on the clean floor of his car. It was pristine, just like how Billy kept his and that suddenly bothered you as you felt light-headed and embarrassed. If he was trying to humiliate you, it was working. It was as if you were the size of a pea and he was a sharp three-prong fork coming down to jab through you manically with just one motion. All you could hear were the whirring of his car's tires under the car and your vicious heartbeat pounding through your ears. This was the first time that you hated the drive home from Billy's. Usually, you liked that it took some time to get into the suburban part of town from the outskirts. It gave you time to cool down and it was accompanied by Billy's music and his reckless hands driving you nuts by drumming on the wheel instead of clutching it. Neil drove safer, but you had never felt less sure of a situation. He liked it though. He lived for having the control in every situation. Neil mindlessly conjured up conversation, asking you if you considered leaving Hawkins sometime and explaining that it had not been a very easy decision to pack up and move to Indiana from California. The story he told was very different than the one Billy shopped around. His hand only left your leg as he made a sharp left turn, nearly missing your street. “Thanks for the ride.” Out of habit from being raised to always mind your manners, you almost sang at him. You grabbed your purse from between your feet and turned to bust out of the car. However, in your haste, you forgot to unlock your seat belt so when you pushed open his car door, you were thrown back by the elastic of the belt. It made Neil whistle with delight. Neil reached over and pressed down on the red button that released the belt and set you free with a smile that you had never seen outside of on TV, usually worn by a cartoon villain with a magical scepter. “We'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.” Smiling at you as you closed the door, Neil waved. He watched you jog up your driveway and dart around the side of the house to enter through the back door. He stayed put until you were out of sight and then drove off. You swore your heart beat didn't normalize until his engine was too far away to hear. When the clock struck nine in the morning, you could not wait any longer. You had eaten breakfast with your family, watched an episode of Family Ties with your three siblings in your pajamas, had a shower, blow dried your hair, changed into comfortable clothes, but still you couldn't stop the memory of the strange car ride home last night. It kept coming in pieces through your brain whether it was in between bites of your mother's blueberry pancakes, commercials of the show, or while your head was upside down with the heat of the blow dryer shaking through your locks. It was unlikely that Billy was awake, but you had to talk to him. Unsurprisingly, Max picked up, but you wasted no time and asked her if Billy was around. She was holding the phone near her chest, but you could still hear her shouting his name in your ear as if he was ruining her life by simply not having picked up the call himself. “Hello?” As tired as you knew he would be, your boyfriend half-croaked and half-yawned into your ear. “Hey. I know it's early.” You stopped yourself from apologizing and just kept going. Billy wanted to get back to bed just as you wanted to get this ache off your chest. “I just...I can't come over tonight for dinner and I wanted to tell you sooner than later.” All your words ran out of your mouth in a rush, piling onto one another with no pauses in between. “Huh?” Billy scratched at his head, taking a second to join the rest of the living world. “Is this because I didn't come home last night? I was out of my mind blitzed...” Billy really liked when you were over. It was really the only time he wanted to be in his house. If you weren't going to be there for supper, he didn't want to be either. “No, I'm glad you didn't drive drunk. I forgot about an assignment that's due tomorrow so I need to stay in and work on it.” It started out as the truth, but it twisted effortlessly into a lie. Even if it was small, you knew Billy would hate it. He had a lot of trust issues and any lie could get someone on his shit list. However, it wasn't as if you didn't have homework to finish. “Oh yeah?” Billy stuffed a yawn against the back of his hand. "Okay." He wasn't going to fight with you about it. Perhaps, if he was more awake he would attempt to lay on some kind of guilt trip. He always wanted you there as you made it less mind numbing for him. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning then? Or can I come and hang out later?" Billy figured he would be happy playing Atari in your basement while you studied. If he was out of from under his own roof, he was always more comfortable. "Yeah, you can if you want." You mumbled while looking down at your feet on the ground. You were going to have to make up an assignment to do in front of him now, but at least you wouldn't be feeling sick at his kitchen table across from Neil. Maybe, you were overreacting, but you had never felt quite as small as you had the night before in Billy's dad's car. "I'll be home all day." "Okay, I'm going back to bed, but I'll come when I'm up." Billy grumbled and listened to you sweetly say 'goodbye' before hanging up and dragging his body back to the comfort of his covers. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: You had babysat Max twice more since the unsettling car ride, but things were uneventful as Billy was there both times and drove you home almost the second Susan came home. Somehow, your schedule and Neil's never intersected and you didn't mind one bit. In fact, you made yourself comfortable enough to not dodge dinner invitations with the Hargrove's. You really did have family plans when they asked the next time. In front of Billy's makeshift vanity, you were back combing your hair and layering in long squirts of hairspray as Iron Maiden screamed through his stereo. "Are you ready yet?" Billy asked from his closet door, pulling out his leather jacket and slipping it on sleeve by sleeve. He had his own routine when it came to getting ready and months of waiting for him had only made yours longer. "Almost, hold on." Taking your comb in one hand while holding up your hair with the other, you answered him. You couldn't even see his face through the mirror, but you knew he was annoyed. He had been looking forward to tonight for a few days - driving out of town to see a band from California that he had loved. Billy was ready to go as soon as school had been let out that Friday. He had been extra careful all week to stay on Neil's good side and keep from being grounded. Neil barked from the front door for Billy to turn his music down. When you didn't reach over right away to do so, the man stomped over to barge in and forcefully do it himself. He braked on his toes as soon as he saw you and held his temper back. Billy practically leaped over his bed to turn the volume dial down. "You guys are going to destroy your ears." He warned with a hiss, glancing at his son and then watching you as you put down the plastic comb on one of Billy's shelves. "[Y/N], you been to a metal show before?" "Midnight Switchblade aren't really metal." Billy mumbled as he sat on the edge of his bed, head back on his shoulders while he impatiently waited for you. "This will be my first concert like this." You had been to concerts before, but usually at stadiums in Indianapolis, not the basement of grungy bars with a fake ID that Billy had made up for you. You and Billy did have musical taste in common though even if he liked it louder and angrier. "You going to take care of her tonight?" Neil asked his son while crossing his jacket clad arms over his chest, puffing it out. When you turned around to find your purse in Billy's room, you saw the mocking look Billy made at you about his dad's question. "Yeah, she'll be fine." Billy jumped up from the bed and confidently said. He felt confident that he could protect you from anything and anyone. "I'm going to get my boots on." His hand slid down your back from between your shoulders, grabbing your attention then walking past his dad to go to the front door. You threw he strap of your purse over the shoulder or your jean jacket and smiled meekly, lips together, at Neil on your way out. He let you take one step by him and then turned around, lying a hand from his pocket. "[Y/N]" Neil practically whistled and brought your attention back to him. He had his wallet out, thumbing between the flap and taking out a twenty. "Take this." He folded it over his thumb and casually handed it over. You didn't take it. You stood still and just stared at the crisp bill. It was hard to understand the gesture and trust if it was sincere. You never knew the intention of anything with Neil. Maybe he was just being nice to you. Maybe you shouldn't have had your guard up. Or maybe he wasn't and maybe you should. "If you need to call a cab or something." He explained with a soft nod toward his offer. "Carol is driving. Billy's leaving his car at her place." Your boyfriend had plans to stick his tongue all the way down your throat in the backseat. Billy wanted to take full advantage of the fact that he wasn't driving. "If you want to get yourself something to drink or anything, just take it." You didn't want to offend him because the world had to told you to 'be nice', 'be polite', and 'be good'. You were a girl and Hawkins wanted you to behave accordingly. "Thank you, Mr. Hargrove." With manners in mind, you reluctantly took the twenty and reached into your purse to put it away in your wallet. It wasn't as if the Hargrove's paid you to watch Max, so you pretend it was money you were owed to feel better about it. "Call me Neil, sweetheart." Neil squeezed your shoulder, his grip tender, but firm and then walked by you only leaving behind a loaded grin. He went over to Billy, who was chomping at the bit by the door, and started hanging up in his jacket pocket. They talked in low, private voices as you came over to put on your own shoes. Standing behind the open fridge door, grabbing himself a cold beer, Neil called out for you two to have a good time. You followed Billy quickly to his car, contemplating giving him the twenty for gas money. He did do the bulk of the driving in your relationship. You knew it gave him the control that he needed, but that didn't come without a cost. "Where does Carol live again?" Billy asked once out of his driveway and on the road. He had the tape for Midnight Switchblade in as it had been for the last few days, playing the songs he loved over and over. "Marigold Bay." You said even though it was a miracle that you remembered. Before dating Billy, you two weren't really close. A lot of your friends disliked her as she was 'easy' and 'obnoxious', so you followed the pack's mentality and disliked her too. When the boys were out of the room and she didn't have anything to prove, Carol wasn't really that bad. In fact, sometimes you saw a lot of fear in her eyes when Tommy would carelessly make a joke at her expense. "If you drive as if you're going to my place, it's in that direction." Not quite as deep into the sea of cookie cutter homes, but close enough. You reached over and offered your hand for Billy to hold as he drove. Usually, it was him who reached out and felt around for you in the car, but you were feeling anxious and unsettled. You needed a rock and, while often a loose cannon, Billy was going to be that. "Hey, did you want to stay over tonight?" Billy asked and reached over to turn his music down slightly. He must have felt your round and surprised stare. "My dad lifted his rule about sleeping over today." He and Susan always nattered at him when you two spent any time in his room with the door closed or were handsy in the house. They called it 'disrespectful' and often said it was a bad example for Max even though you knew she didn't care. "Right before we left, he mentioned it." Billy didn't care what prompted the change, he was just happy that the ban was lifted. "No, it's okay." You wanted to say 'yes', but your conscience wouldn't let you - not after you watched Neil devour you whole with his eyes. "Why not?" Billy honestly couldn't believe you turned the opportunity down. "I just don't ... " You didn't want to lie, but telling him that his dad gave you the heebie-jeebies also didn't feel like the right approach. "I like my bed." Shrugging toward your ears, you told him honestly. It was the truth. "It just would be nice to not have to drive you home from Carol's and then have to drive all the way home." You knew Billy was going to drink tonight. It seemed like one could not go to this concert without pounding back stale pints. "Well, I can take a cab home from Carol's." You had a twenty in your wallet now. "No, it's - " Billy wrestled with himself. He didn't mean to make you feel guilty. If you were some random girl, he would have told you to walk home from Ogden, he didn't care, but you were not just some random girl, you were his girl and he took great pride in that. "It's fine. I can drive you home." "We could sleep at Carol's, I bet." Her family was very low key like that. It seemed like she was raised without rules or expectations sometimes. Her home was free for her friends to use. "You just said you like your bed." Billy reminded you, laughing at the controversy in what you were suggesting. "I do like my bed, but..." There was no way your parents would be okay with Billy sleeping in it while they were home. "There's no ears listening in if we crash at Carol's." Seductively, you told him and prompted his left hand to come off the wheel and finally fit into your waiting hand. He liked the sound of what you were insinuating. "My dad probably does listen." Billy scoffed before turning the music back up. It was an off hand comment and he didn't realize that it made your stomach turn and legs fidget uncomfortably. He didn’t know that his remark was one hundred percent true. "He always says you fill out your blouse nicely." At first, Billy thought his old man said it rile him up, and it worked, but his dad had been drinking with him last time he mentioned it and even though Billy didn't like when other people commented on your body, he did like the bonding moment with his dad, so he let it go. He pretended that it was something Dads everywhere say. "That's really weird." You downplayed. It was creepy. Really creepy. "We'll crash at Carol's." Billy squeezed your hand again and went back to driving. It was decided. "Hey?" He grabbed your attention as you were looking out the window, mindlessly counting street lights. Eyes off the road, Billy waited until you were looking at him again. "You look so hot tonight." He grinned through his compliment, eyes devouring you for himself and nodding with approval. * * * * * * * * * * * * You were not at all surprised when you wound up being the one behind the wheel of Carol's parents mustard yellow Ford Cortina. Billy was drunk before the band was even on, his chest coated with the scent of watered down beer. Tommy and Carol were beyond inebriated and you had only drank two beers in the span of three hours because of the bar didn't have coolers and that was all you liked. Tommy was one inch away from fingering Carol in the backseat, her feet digging into the back of your spot, as you drove with your headlights bright and the music low. You had never driven outside of Hawkins before and it was nerve-wracking. Taking a break from singing loudly and using the dashboard as a drum, Billy played with your hair and tried his best to ignore the love-fest happening behind him. "God, you're beautiful." Out of his mind, he told you with his eyes glassy, but on your profile. "So fucking pretty and all mine." He cooed softly. Billy had many different personalities when drunk. Like the one you met in the bar parking lot, when you insisted on driving. That Billy was straddling the thin line between brat and jerk, but this Billy was one you happened to like. "I love you." He mumbled and then said it again over and over. Billy only told you he loved you when he was drunk. It hurt, but made your heart feel like carnival cotton candy at the same time. Once in front of Carol's house, you tried interrupting her and Tommy long enough to get the key to her garage. Billy even went as far as reaching into the backseat and smacking Tommy at the side of his head. It was no use, so you parked in front of the house and exhaled, relieved, as soon as you were out of the car and breathing fresh air. Billy slammed the passenger door shut and laid down on the lawn, cackling. He reached out his hand from you, but unlike any other time, you stayed put. It wasn't until he pouted, bottom lip jetting out, that you walked around the front of the car and leaned against it. "Billy, I'm just going to go home." Scratching at your head under your hair, you admitted. Periodically throughout the night when you weren't being jostled around by sweating hyped up bodies or drowning under the sound of a bad amp, you would weigh your sleeping options for the night. You just couldn't make yourself comfortable with staying at your boyfriend's place even though you knew you should. "Why? I thought - " "I'm tired and who knows when we'll get in Carol's house." She was currently getting plowed in her parent's shitty car. "Tommy won't last two minutes." Billy laughed. "I'm tired." Again, you huffed. "I'll find the hide-a-key then." He pushed off of his palms and jumped to his feet, drunk but ready for action. "Or I'll break in." "It's fine. I just... I like my bed." You used your previous line and stopped Billy from throwing a garden rock through any of the house windows. He changed directions and came over to you, hands sliding down your arms to hold your hands tightly. "You don't want to feel me inside you, baby?" Softly, he mentioned and then brought up one of your hands, still together, and kissed the knuckles. “I've missed you...” It had only been a few days since you snuck off on lunch break and had sex instead of sandwiches at your place, but Billy didn’t feel like his weekend was complete without being intimate with you. "I do, but I don't have a condom." Your mother was adamant that you were way too young to be on the pill. You and Billy had talked about driving to Fort Wayne on a Saturday to pick it up at the nearest women's clinic, but it just hadn't happened yet. You didn't know if it would if he only said the "L" word when intoxicated. "I do." He always kept a couple in his wallet just in case. "Or, you know, you could let me slide in raw..." The horny Jiminey Cricket in his head made him ask, but Billy grinned with all his teeth out as you shook your head like he knew you would. "You're too drunk. You wouldn't pull out." It didn't matter what he said, you knew that to be true. "You look so good tonight." He leaned in and kissed you. At first, you just thought about what a cute and clumsy drunk he was tonight, but as his hands let go of yours and rested on your hips, your thoughts began to race. You just thought about the time his Dad drove you home. Instantly, your eyes opened and you pulled your face away from Billy's. "I really need to go home. I'm exhausted." Resting a palm on his warm, but sticky chest, you told him.

“Fine.” He whined. Billy’s pout might have been for sympathy, but it didn’t mask how annoyed he was. “If you miss me, too bad. You can’t come back.” He was only teasing though. Billy really hoped you would change your mind.

Once Carol climbed out of the car with lipstick all over her chin, her dress unbuttoned, and a smile the size of a banana split crooked on her face, you followed her in and called for a a cab. It didn't hit you until you were in the backseat and waving at Billy through the window that you were using the money Neil gave you. You weren't really sure how that made you feel. Strangely, you were grateful, but your skin was still crawling.

Silently, as the cab turned off Carol’s street, you wondered if this was a phase that would pass. You questioned if there was a good way to bring it up with Billy, but even safe topics with him could become heated and the subject of Neil Hargrove was anything, but safe with him.

@stevesharrlngtons @daddyslittlemunster @kaliforniacoastalteens @stephaniecats @fireismysaftey @penguinlover15

#billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove fic #billy hargrove au #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove #billy hargrove x you

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reddeaddamnation · 7 years ago

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How the Lord of the rings/Hobbit characters are at Christmas: <AU!> <preference>

Legolas: He would be thrilled and would probably be the first one to wake up in the morning to search for his gifts and unwrap them. He would be happy to get anything, because he thinks that the thought is more important than the actual gift. He absolutely loves the Christmas songs and often sings along especially at Christmas parties. Buys everyone presents.

Thranduil: He would be rather annoyed with all the Christmas carols and all the Christmas mood in the elves around him and when he is asked, he would answer “Today is nothing different than any day“. He is always forced (by Legolas mostly) to make a Christmas party, but isn’t thrilled by the celebration and goes to bed early. Though he loves the gifts his allies send him and is kind of the only thing he looks forward for.

Tauriel: She absolutely loves this time of the year. She is busy all day buying presents for her friends and doesn’t even care that all her money will be spent by the end of the day, because she wants to make everyone happy (even the grumpy elven king Thranduil). Her mood is contagious and affects practically all of Mirkwood. She loves getting gifts in return, but feels bad when the person has gifted her with a bigger present than she has for him. She adores the Christmas parties and often helps with the preparations. She would most likely organize a karaoke competition with Christmas songs, much to Thranduil’s annoyance. “All I want for Christmas is you“ is her personal anthem.

Elrond: Even if he is busy with organizations for the Christmas party in Rivendell, he is obviously in a very Christmasy mood and wants everything to be perfect. He even hires someone (most times Lindir) to dress up as Santa Claus to give out presents to the little elflings at the party. He always comes up with something original for the party every year (like a chorus singing Christmas carols or a ball) but Lindir as Santa is a Rivendell tradition. He buys the most expensive gifts for his friends and family and gives them out by himself. Receiving isn’t as important to him as giving.

Celebrian: She is in a Christmas mood all day. She is seen busy running around checking on everything for the party and wants everything to be more than perfect from the Christmas tree decoration to the food. Even how the servants are dressed. She, like her husband, also loves to give out presents to the elflings, but prefers to give them out herself. She can’t help it. She adores children. Also adores dancing to slow songs with Elrond at the party.

Arwen: The only thing she is busy with is thinking with what she will be at the party in the evening. She will pick out the perfect dress from the finest fabrics in all of Arda, the most expensive and beautiful accessories from earrings to her headdress. She becomes very social, so she will mingle with everyone at the party. She is smiling and laughing all the time and loves receiving presents, though she would pout if something isn’t what she wanted. Will most likely cry at “Last Christmas I gave you my heart“.

Elladan and Elrohir: They are very bubbly the entire day. Even though they are warned not to do anything that would end in the ruin of something, they still pull pranks on whoever catches their eye. They are the ones in charge of the fireworks and special effects for the party and they actually do a great job. That task was given to them after Elrond came to the conclusion that they will only be a nuisance to the people in charge of the decorations and food, because they have proven it one too many times. They are the life of the party and talk with everyone. Even if Elrond tells them to be good, because otherwise he will give them a coal, they don’t listen to him and don’t get coals in the end anyway

Glorfindel: Overall he loves winter. At this time of the year, he becomes especially childish and throws snowballs at Erestor, much to his annoyance, and pushes him in the snow at every possible opportunity. But when he is alone, he would sadden a bit, because he really misses his friends from the First age and he really wishes they were there with him. At the party, he would drink alot and cry with Arwen at “Last Christmas I gave you my heart“ and conceivably at “All I want for Christmas is you“.

Erestor: He would be rather annoyed with all the abnormally happy elves around him. He is grumpy all day, mostly because Glorfindel attacks him with snowballs and pushes him in the snow whenever he so much as shows his head outside. He keeps himself busy with the paperwork in Rivendell and excuses himself from the party by saying “I have important work. The documents aren’t ready and SOMEBODY has to finish them.“. He quickly chooses and buys the first thing he deems good as a present and is also quick to give them out and doesn’t even want anything in return. He chooses the same presents every year and also receives the same presents they gift him with every year.

Lindir: Everything would be perfect for him if Elrond didn’t ask him to make a fool of himself by dressing up as Santa Claus. Every year he avoids being in his Lord’s way, because otherwise it wouldn’t be long until he sees Elrond with the costume in his arms and the horrifying question “Will you do it Lindir?“ and he can’t even object even if it’s a question, because he respects Elrond and does everything he tells him to. Though he wouldn’t kill him if he said no for once. Elrond asks him because the fact that Lindir says yes every year and he thinks he likes this job. Lindir is happy with any present he receives and is generous in return.

Galadriel: She is just as she is on regular days, but all the happiness around her makes her just as happy. She just loves it when everyone around her is so carefree and in such a good mood. She organizes a Christmas party in Lothlorien not so much because she likes the holiday, but because she wants to see everyone smiling and happy. She is also very generous considering gifts and often sends multiple presents to her grandchildren in Rivendell.

Celeborn: He would be just as generous as his wife concerning his relatives in Rivendell. He always knows what to buy and what they would need. Every year he sends an entire cart filled with gifts for Rivendell. He leaves the rest to his wife to take care of.

Haldir: This time of the year would be like any other day for him. He doesn’t turn so much attention to anything really and prefers to work. Honestly, he is annoyed with all the same Christmas songs playing every year and his brothers purposely singing them whenever he is around and wants to just be away from them. That’s why every year he asks Galadriel to work. He doesn’t buy gifts for anyone and prefers to not receive anything because he thinks nobody really knows him enough to buy him what he would think is necessary to him.

Thorin: This is probably one of the worst days for him, because he is just forever confused with what to buy as a gift. He stubbornly refuses to ask for help and just buys whatever he sees and what seems cheapest, but looks good. He leaves Fili and Kili and the rest of his company to organize the Christmas party because all this is just one big confusion to him. Every year is the same for him with all the cheesy Christmas songs and food and drinks. But he loves receiving gifts. If only he didn’t have to give gifts away, on the other hand.

Fili and Kili: They love winter and especially Christmas. They adore to play in the snow. Every winter Erebor is filled with snowmen, snow fords and all sorts of other snow figures, making a small snow town. They also catch a cold after that, but that doesn’t stop them from being their childish selves and even though Dis and Thorin warn them not to go outside too much, they still do it and throw snowballs at eachother as soon as their mother and uncle turn their backs on them. They also love to sing and dance along to the Christmas songs. Concerning the gifts, they don’t really care too much and often give away the first thing they buy and sometimes even pull pranks via the presents. Every year they get matching sweaters, knitted by their mom.

Gimli: It’s all drinking and food to him. He looks forward to Christmas parties just so he can drink, eat, crack jokes and have fun until he wants. Otherwise it’s just the same for him. He would pick out the best present only for Legolas and wouldn’t be disappointed in return. He doesn’t really care about the presents for the rest.

Bard: He rather enjoys this holiday and spreads Christmas spirit everywhere. This is the time when he spends time with his children near the fireplace at home in a cozy atmosphere with hot chocolate and cookies and tells them stories. He would spoil them with gifts and a rich dinner table. The only other person he would buy a present for is Thranduil. Overall this is the time of the year when he feels most happy.

Aragorn: He isn’t in such a giant Christmas mood as the people around him. Of course, he likes it and is in a great mood and loves seeing his loved ones happy. He would attend Elrond’s party and laugh alongside everyone else. He would also love buying and giving out presents, of course the most expensive one being for Arwen. He would most likely be rigged to get under a mistletoe with her. Not that he is complaining of course.

Boromir: Apart from the parties, he doesn’t care much for the holiday. His father would buy him probably millions of presents, much of which he doesn’t even need, but he doesn’t really care for the presents either. He just wants to party like there’s no tomorrow.

Faramir: He loves Christmas and actually enjoys all the cheesy things it comes with. He loves it because it brings families together and he doesn’t go to any parties just so he can be with Eowyn at home cuddling under a blanket in front of the fireplace with eggnog and cookies. He doesn’t even care if he receives like two? gifts. One from Eowyn, one from his brother Boromir and conceivably one from his father, but it would be something stupid and Denethor would have bought it just so Faramir doesn’t say he didn’t buy him anything (lol poor baby).

Eowyn: She loves Christmas because of the same reasons as Faramir. She also buys the gifts like a week before Christmas and would decorate their home a month before and would sing Christmas songs while doing so. She doesn’t insist on going to parties and prefers to spend the evening with Faramir in their cozy home with nice home cooked meals she made (lord save us).

Eomer: He doesn’t look forward to the holiday, just because it’s the same as always to him. Okay, a sweater one year, two years in a row, but every single year... He has a drawer filled with just sweaters he got for Christmas. And “Last Christmas I gave you my heart“ just makes him want to throw himself in the fires of mount Doom.

Frodo: He loves all the Christmas spirit in the hobbits in the Shire. He is seen smiling the entire day, just enjoying himself and would even make a snowman in front of his door at Bag End. He also looks forward to having fun at the party later. He loves to send out and receive gifts and would be happy to anything.

Bilbo: It’s not like he hates Christmas, he just prefers to spend it at home in front of the fireplace with a pipe in his mouth in complete silence and just relax. This is the time when he doesn’t let anyone enter his home, because all the Christmas mood starts to get annoying to him. But in the end he gets dragged to the party by Gandalf, but leaves early anyway. He doesn’t buy gifts and prefers not to get anything in return because he has everything he needs and doesn’t want any unneeded stuff lying around.

Sam: He would spread the good mood all around. He loves buying presents and giving them away and just make people happy. He attends the Christmas party in the Shire to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and just have fun, laugh and dance. He would still leave early so he can spend some more time alone with his family.

Merry and Pippin: Gandalf would leave them in charge of organizing the Christmas party and they would do a very good job. They are the ones to sing, dance and bring life to the party. Concerning the presents, they love to prank the receivers with them.

Gandalf: He would arrive in the Shire with a wagon full of gifts for everyone. His first stop would be Bag End where he would convince Bilbo to come to the party later. He would have just as much fun as his hobbit friends.

-And a very special guest-

Feanor: He would be grumpy and complain the entire day, but nobody would really give him any attention. He hates Christmas as much as he hates everything else. He hates the cheesy songs, the cheesy celebrations, the decorations and especially the greeting “Merry Christmas, Feanor!“. Every year he gets the same ugly sweater and a coal with a heart-shaped note saying “For the fire keeping your hatred alive, love Fingolfin LOL“. And by the end of the evening he is already screaming with anger and turning to ashes lmao.

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes

https://ift.tt/3p3xspq

Since its inception, RiffTrax has regularly visited the crazy world of Christmas movies and shorts because when you get down to it, Christmas is a crazy time and Santa’s such a rich concept that it’s easy to go completely off the rails with him. Here’s a look at all the various Christmas-related movies they’ve watched. Luckily, all of them are available on-demand, so you can buy them and download the entire movie with the audio already synced up.

A handful of the shorts were featured in previous editions of RiffTrax Live, but are also available on their own. Then there’s the Christmas Shorts-stravaganza, which not only featured a bunch of Christmas-based short films, but also a film about serving pork and some kind of competitive swimming event. Weird Al was there too! At the show…not…not the swimming event.

Like when I discussed the 30 Most Insane RiffTrax Shorts, I’m going to give both the lucid explanation of what each short or movie is supposed to be in a sane, reasonable world and what we actually get.

You can check out RiffTrax’s collection of Christmas movies and shorts right her.

“Now, come on. Let me show you the rest.” “No, really, I have to go, I…”

NESTOR THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY (1977)

The Idea: Remember how great the Rankin/Bass stop-motion version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was? It was such a classic that people watch every year as a holiday tradition. Expanding on that world, the same company released Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, figuring they’d spin another classic out of a more religious context. In it, Nestor undergoes some hardships due to the massive size of his ears, but is chosen to help Joseph and the pregnant Mary make it to Bethlehem.

The Output: You remember how Rudolph went, right? He was teased for a bit for being different, but that led to him discovering lovable, memorable characters and getting into fantastic adventures before proving his worth and showing that his so-called deformity was really his greatest strength. Okay, now imagine that exact story, only remove the lovable, memorable characters.

Then take that part of the movie where he’s teased and stretch it so it makes up 95% of the story. Hell, just make the thing completely depressing. There. You have Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

Movies

MST3K: A Christmas Episodes Guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

The 21 Best Christmas Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher and 5 others

This is an earlier RiffTrax release, so the only one on it is Mike. Hearing one riffer can be a little off-putting, but it’s worth it to see such a terrible rewrite of Rudolph without any of the magic. Oh, and spoilers for a 40-year-old holiday special, but Nestor ends up becoming best buddies with the man who killed his mother and it’s never explained because it’s at the very end of the movie. I guess Jesus being born really packed a punch.

“Introducing Chewbacca’s family!” “And many scream-yourself-awake nightmares!”

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

The Idea: In a time when Empire Strikes Back was far from release but the studios wanted to keep Star Wars in the public’s mind so they’ll keep buying their merchandise, it was decided to bring the cast in for a prime-time holiday special in the ’70s. Based on Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca home to his family in time for Wookie Life Day, the special features everyone from Luke to Vader with special guest stars Art Carney and Bea Arthur. It also has an animated short that gives us the very first appearance of Boba Fett!

The Output: Whenever I try to explain the Star Wars Holiday Special to someone who has never seen it or even heard of it, I point out that George Lucas, known for being a pretty greedy guy, refused to make money off of it in any way. He would never release the Holiday Special in any format because he was that disgusted by it. I don’t blame him because if not for Mike, Kevin, and Bill, I wouldn’t have been able to sit through it myself.

Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader Had a Rematch Before A New Hope

By John Saavedra

100 Best Christmas TV Episodes of All Time

By Wesley Mead

Each segment appears to be more horrific than the last. We get huge stretches of time where Chewbacca’s family just kind of meanders around their household, growling at each other, with no subtitles. There are “comedy” and musical bits that are just a slog to sit through. One such bit appears to be Chewbacca’s father Itchy watching virtual reality porn. Not even kidding. Mark Hamill is covered in enough makeup to put the studio in the red from their cosmetics budget, Harrison Ford looks like he’d rather be doing anything else, Carrie Fisher is pretty high, and Bea Arthur sings lyrics over the “Cantina Song.” It’s a glorious Hell.

As the cherry on top, the version they watch has all the 1970s commercials completely intact. One of which features Schneider from One Day at a Time!

“He always has loads of fun.” “Why, here he is in Dallas in 1963!”

A VISIT TO SANTA (1963)

The Idea: A couple of kids send a letter to Santa Claus, asking to visit him at the North Pole before Christmas. Santa decides it’s a good idea and has them picked up and brought over in a magic helicopter. He shows Dick and Ann around his home and talks for a moment about how he spreads yuletide cheer through Thanksgiving parades. Then they ride around on a rocket and look at Santa’s prized train set.

The Output: It’s summed up perfectly when Kevin notes, “Interesting. I didn’t know that David Lynch made a Christmas film.” The whole production is very creepy, reminiscent of Manos: Hands of Fate’s cinematography. With all the many Santas that the RiffTrax guys have seen over the years, this one is probably the least jolly (that is, until A Song for Santa). He comes off as a deranged murder suspect trying to lay low with a disguise. In fact, everything about this short is suspect, like the elves, who are really just little kids in miniskirts.

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Dick and Ann only have a few lines in the opening and thank God for that. We can understand maybe five percent of anything they have to say.

“Ah, good. Finally, on the silver screen, the be-top-hatted spider-dog of my nightmares. Unless…I’m just having another nightmare.”

CHRISTMAS TOYSHOP (1945)

The Idea: As two kids are put to bed on Christmas Eve, their father tries to set up the tree and all the gifts downstairs. He stumbles around and the ruckus makes them think – in their dreams – that Santa just fell down the chimney. Sharing the same dream, they go downstairs and greet Santa. The little girl asks about where the toys come from and Santa tells the story of a magical toy shop. From here, it becomes a cartoon about living toys having fun when the shop owner is gone.

The Output: The animated sequence is your usual old, black and white cartoon fare. A bunch of toys do stuff for several minutes, including a forgettable musical number, then a plot suddenly happens at the end. Here, it’s an evil spider showing up to try and kidnap a toy of Little Miss Muffet, causing the toy soldiers to come to her rescue.

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By Michael Reed

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By Daniel Langrish-Beard

Somehow, the live-action segment is supposed to be a framing device and everything about the cartoon is being related by Santa. Why he’s telling them about a spider kidnapping a toy, I don’t know, but there you go.

This won’t be the last questionable piece of Santa Claus storytelling. We’ll get to that in a bit.

“Wow. I have literally never seen anything as small and of no account as this tree.”

CHRISTMAS RHAPSODY (1947)

The Idea: A lonely, tiny tree sits in the middle of the snowy forest, feeling itself worthless and meaningless. To its surprise, it’s taken in by a family and set up in their cabin. They decorate it for Christmas and give it the meaning it had been wanting for all this time.

The Output: You know, this one is almost decent, at least in concept. The basic Christmas moral buried in there is rather touching. Too bad the short has two things working against it. One, it’s really boring. Two, the tree is such a sad sack and won’t shut up about how much it sucks. It keeps explaining itself as being small and of no account, which will get your eyes rolling after the eighth time it repeats that.

There’s really nothing else to talk about here. Well, maybe the father’s creepy scalp.

“I need you tonight.” “WHOA!”

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1948)

The Idea: No, not the Rankin/Bass cartoon we all know and love. This animated short is a completely different adaptation of the Rudolph song, predating the stop-motion special by decades. Rudolph is still made fun of for his nose and Santa needs his help due to a foggy night, but don’t expect to see his elf dentist buddy or the abominable snowman.

The Output: Other than the missing characters (which isn’t a criticism, since this came first and those guys weren’t mentioned in the song), the biggest difference in this telling is Rudolph’s status. The Rankin/Bass version made sense in that Santa had a bunch of reindeer living at the North Pole, so of course Santa would come across Rudolph. Here, Rudolph lives in a reindeer civilization. According to this short, animals live like humans around the globe in different sectors (ie. a rabbit-only town) and the only known human being is Santa Claus.

Doctor Who: revisiting Steven Moffat’s Christmas specials

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Oh, man. Maybe this is a sequel to Peace on Earth. Pretend you know what I’m talking about.

Another high spot is Rudolph’s mother, who is for some reason shown completely dressed, walking on her hind legs, and having almost human proportions. The riffers all find themselves sexually confused by this.

“Watch this!” “I saw Bam Margera do this on Jackass!”

A CHRISTMAS DREAM (1946)

The Idea: A little girl is happy to receive a few new toys on Christmas. So happy that she discards her older, rattier doll. As she goes to sleep that night, Santa decides to teach her a lesson about the value of one’s belongings by giving her a dream where her old doll comes to life to plead for her attention.

The Output: This is live-action and the doll is depicted with stop-motion animation. To this short’s credit, the animation is incredibly well done, especially for such an old film. It’s also really horrifying and the riffers don’t stop harping on that. The little girl is so excited when any sane person would be in a fear coma.

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Also, Santa can make you dream whatever he wants. I didn’t know that. That’s disturbing and a far bigger threat than getting coal in your stocking. All he needs are elves in the background, playing jump rope.

“One, two…you better not shout… Three, four…you better not cry… Five, six…you better not pout… Seven, eight…I’m telling you why…”

“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” “Well, Happy Christmas to the one household I visited! The rest of the planet can ram it for all I care!”

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1946)

The Idea: We all know the famous poem A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore. This is another adaptation of it, though without the bickering cartoon mice. Rather, we see Santa as he visits a home, delivers gifts, and flies off into the night.

The Output: This is one of the most reasonable of all the entries here because there isn’t much you can do to screw up that classic. The only questionable stuff is how rather than have any kind of special effects budget, shots of Santa flying off on his sleigh are done through animation and go back to live-action in close-ups. Otherwise, it’s fairly forgettable amongst the other freaky shorts and movies they watch.

Still, it is a dick move of Santa to give one kid a tiny toy shovel for Christmas. Who the hell would want that?

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150-plus movies, RiffTrax has nothing to say.” “Just this…enjoy.”

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

The Idea: Santa is stranded in the sands of Florida. His sleigh is partially buried in the sand and his reindeer have abandoned him. He calls over a group of children to help him get the sleigh out of the ground, but to no avail. Santa insists that they don’t give up and relates their situation to the story of Thumbelina (or Jack and the Beanstalk). Luckily, the kids know one magical creature who just might be able to help Santa and make sure Christmas is saved.

The Output: God, where do I even start with this? It’s hard to sit through, but this is one of the most must-see riffs.

The Ice Cream Bunny is practically a mascot for RiffTrax (sorry, Disembaudio). It’s bad in every way. It’s an inconceivable mess. The Santa parts are embarrassing to watch and make you feel really uneasy in its disturbing, low-rent cheesiness. Then you’re rescued from it thanks to Santa telling the story of Thumbelina. By that I mean that they play a completely separate movie with a higher budget that has absolutely nothing to do with the Santa situation. This “flashback” is 50 minutes long and the entire movie is an hour and a half, so yeah. The Thumbelina stuff is also creepy to watch, if not boring at times, but it’s worth powering through.

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By Chris Farnell

Once we return to Santa, we’re finally introduced to the Ice Cream Bunny. Words cannot do this justice. It’s a guy in a terrible rabbit suit driving a fire truck filled with kids when the guy most certainly can’t see what he’s doing and almost runs over a dog. There’s this really unsavory feeling watching what’s supposed to be a delightful movie for children and Bill kills it by adding a horrifying, demented laugh whenever the Ice Cream Bunny is on screen.

RiffTrax has two different versions of the movie. One is the classic VOD released in 2010, where the movie takes a lengthy break to show us the stuff with Thumbelina. In 2015, they did a RiffTrax Live edition with a different print of the movie. In it, the Thumbelina stuff was replaced with Jack and the Beanstalk. Comparing the two is a no-brainer as Jack and the Beanstalk is far more entertaining on its own and is 70s as hell. Plus the RiffTrax Live version includes several bonkers shorts beforehand.

“The sequel to The Ice Cream Bunny’s Amos and Andy!”

SANTA CLAUS’ PUNCH AND JUDY (1948)

The Idea: Santa visits a large group of children (orphans?) and delivers their presents, but one of them asks for a Punch and Judy puppet show. Santa uses his magic to summon such a performance to the delight of the children.

The Output: Have you ever watched a Punch and Judy show? Yeah, nobody goes out of their way to see one. There’s nothing all that wrong with the kids, Santa, or the setup in this short. The focus is just on what I imagine to be a skilled exhibition of puppeteering that hasn’t aged well. Just a puppet beating his girlfriend with a stick, as well as various animals, and we get a break where two minstrel show puppets have a boxing match. So yeah, fun for children.

“He’s like some horrible Soviet Bloc animated version of Santa.” “His nose looks like an infected thumb!”

THE SHANTY WHERE SANTY CLAUS LIVES (1933)

The Idea: A poor little boy live alone and in the cold, doomed to freeze on Christmas Eve. Luckily, he’s discovered by Santa, who takes him away to his own home, where the kid sees all sorts of wonders.

The Output: First thing’s first, the Santa Claus in this movie is rather horrific, one of the scariest of all the Santas in all of these movies, which is impressive for a cartoon. Despite being the title character, he only gets about a minute of screen time anyway. The rest is either the kid being depressed and cold or the kid watching yet another old-timey cartoon scenario where the toys just kind of do stuff and sing for several minutes until something resembling a plot happens at the end. In this case, the tree accidentally catches on fire and the boy has to help put it out.

The most striking thing about this short is the never-ending parade of racism. Lot of uncomfortable toys lounging in the shanty where Santy Claus lives.

“Ooooooh, I’m full grown, all right!” “Kids, if you ever hear someone say that in that voice, call the cops.”

MAGIC CHRISTMAS TREE (1964)

The Idea: A child befriends a witch around Halloween and is given a seed that will eventually sprout a magical Christmas tree. Not only does it talk, but it will also grant him three wishes! Unfortunately, the power goes to the boy’s head and his poor decisions put Christmas in some serious danger.

The Output: While it may not be the absolute best RiffTrax, it’s the best kind of bad movie for them to tackle. The movie is incredibly strange, but it gradually builds on it. In the beginning, it’s almost straightforward, but it gets more and more questionable as the minutes pass. For instance, there’s a scene where the main character’s family leaves to go Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. The boy makes a wish to have ultimate power for a limited time (why a limited time? I don’t know) and uses his power to make it day and then goes around messing with people who are doing their usual daily routines, not at all aware that it’s supposed to be the night before Christmas.

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By the end, we have a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere. What Christmas movie isn’t complete without a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere?

“And in the second place, ice cream break was over more than an hour ago!” “Ah, kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”

SANTA’S ENCHANTED VILLAGE (1964)

The Idea: As a sequel/extension of the Mexican Santa Claus movie (more on that later), we see a village where Santa’s various helpers get toys ready for the holiday season. Unfortunately, Stinky the Skunk would rather take extremely long breaks, much to the chagrin of his supervisor, the Ferocious Wolf.

The Output: By “sequel” I mainly mean that the guy who made this had the rights to the Santa Claus movie and would occasionally toss in clips from it. The original footage in this short (and the two that follow) are incredibly low-rent, mainly in the form of the mascot costume characters and their terrible voices. Most notable is how the Ferocious Wolf is accompanied by loud, obnoxious accordion noises whenever he walks around. Which is a lot.

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One of the true highlights is when the Ferocious Wolf visits Santa’s office and rants about how Stinky the Skunk is such a bad employee. Santa’s reaction is to just sit there the entire time, nodding and laughing his ass off like a lunatic. Which reminds me, the Ferocious Wolf complaining about his ulcer is – I kid you not – his catchphrase.

“Hey! Right here at this moment, this officially became the craziest thing ever made by man.” “Seriously, Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.”

SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964)

The Idea: The Ferocious Wolf, Stinky the Skunk, and Puss’n Boots get in a big argument and Santa is none too pleased. Watching from space along with his good friend Merlin, Santa decides to go give his angry employees a visit and set them straight.

The Output: This installment of the Santa’s Village of Madness Trilogy is easily the least coherent. Seeing the costumed characters is complete bedlam and even the riffers give up in awe of the chaos. Not only is half of the footage of this short taken directly from Santa Claus, but a couple minutes are taken from Santa’s Enchanted Village! But hey, no angry accordion music this time, so that’s something.

“Whoa! He’s got a face like a squid’s anus!”

SANTA’S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966)

The Idea: Puss’n Boots is the head of security in Santa’s Village and he confronts a visitor. It turns out to be a princess on the run from a giant ogre that’s out to destroy Santa Claus and end Christmas! Puss needs to gather an army together to face this beast and save Christmas.

The Output: So this giant ogre? They never actually show him. Well, except for a shot of a lame dinosaur statue that we see for a second. I don’t know if that’s actually supposed to be the ogre. Whatever. Otherwise, the narrative is just another fever dream filmed with the tiniest budget. Merlin ends up being the one to challenge the big monster and what a fight it is! I think. They never actually show any of it. We just hear them off-screen while everyone else reacts. The elves couldn’t even do that right.

“Ladies and gentlemen, a third-string ballerina on painkillers.”

SANTA CLAUS AND THE FAIRY SNOW QUEEN (1951)

The Idea: A six-inch tall woman called the Snow Queen visits Santa on Christmas Eve, but is annoyed to see him sleeping in her presence. As a joke, she gives life to a handful of nearby toys. The various toys dance and laugh, but are reluctant to be given off to children as lifeless gifts. Not only have they taken to being alive, but they’ve also grown attached to each other. Whatever will Santa and the Snow Queen do?

The Output: This whole thing is incomprehensible and it doesn’t help that the Snow Queen has a really thick European accent that you can barely cut through. The real star of this short is the Candy Lion. See, while you have understandable, recognizable toys hanging around like a toy soldier, a ballerina, a ragdoll, a Jack-in-the-box, and so on, you also have the Candy Lion. Described as a half-mummified Chewbacca, the dead-eyed toy stands around in the background for the most part and gets one memorable line when he excitedly brags to Santa, “I can eat candy!”

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The Jack-in-the-box is easily one of the more annoying characters in RiffTrax history, though. Goddamn that repeating freak. This is all hosted by Snoopy, a high-pitched “brownie” (which appears to be no different than an elf) who I’m not sure if I’m repulsed by or attracted to.

“My finger isn’t tired!” “Oh, God! What is he about to do?!”

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

The Idea: On Mars, children have become joyless and robotic due to the planet’s lack of fun and insistence on constant studying and good behavior. The only thing that brings them any happiness is watching Earth programs, such as news on this Santa Claus character. Afraid for the future of his planet, Kimar and his crew visit Earth to kidnap Santa (and eventually two children) and bring him to Mars so that he can spread joy to their world…whether he wants to or not!

The Output: While this movie may be on the IMDB bottom 100, I consider it a guilty pleasure. As I discussed when speaking with Kevin Murphy, I think at its core, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a great concept for a children’s movie. It has its own unique whimsy. Unfortunately, it’s hurt by bad, hammy acting and the kind of bad costuming and effects you’d expect from a movie like this.

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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the only RiffTrax movie to also be featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic (the offshoot where the other MST3K cast members went off to), and RiffTrax, all with their own unique set of jokes. There’s a good reason for that. The movie is incredibly silly and ripe for mockery, yet at the same time completely and utterly watchable. The RiffTrax version features the movie in its entirety, rather than the abridged version from MST3K.

“Don’t you wish that your school bus looked like this?!” “Packed with bearded lunatics and flanked by grim clowns? No!”

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965)

The Idea: A little boy goes to sleep and dreams of a world of giant balloon people and other children to play with. After getting into a variety of adventures, he and a little girl watch a holiday parade filled with all sorts of balloon floats.

The Output: This 1960s nightmare is the perfect B-side to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. The first third of it is complete and utter nonsense. This little boy would just wander around a warehouse, stumble upon some kind of big balloon statue, someone would voice said statue by shouting from across the room off-screen, and then it would move on to a completely unrelated scene. There is a group of ballerinas who show up to dance for absolutely no reason. At one point the boy is inexplicably walking around in only a gold lamé diaper and Kevin wonders, “Is this movie even legal?” The boy proceeds to hit on mermaids and plays hide-and-seek with a lobster thing.

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Then it becomes old footage of a holiday parade that lasts about a half hour and has more clowns and majorettes than I have ever seen in one place at one time. It’s pretty dry, but the woman narrating it is completely insane and the RiffTrax crew show absolutely no mercy in painting her as some kind of drunk lunatic. She ends the movie with a “guessing game” where she keeps changing the rules every three seconds and you don’t even know what the hell is going on.

“Still going? If this was a game of Ski Free, the Abominable Snowman would have gobbled them up hours ago.”

ZLATEH THE GOAT (1973)

The Idea: A boy named Aaron reluctantly has to bring his family’s prized goat Zlateh to the butcher in order to sell her. During the journey, the weather takes a horrible turn and Aaron and Zlateh are forced to hide out under a pile of hay for several days. The two form a bond that allows them to survive the ordeal.

The Output: This Hanukkah story is absolutely miserable. Despite being just a short, it feels like it goes on forever and pads itself out with many shots of the kid having to drag the goat through the snow. And you know how I just said that they form a bond that allows Aaron to survive? Yeah, that’s from him drinking milk directly from Zlateh. It’s nasty.

“It’s fun to make things of sugar. And they are good to eat.” “WHAT?!” “Just grab a slice of instant diabetes, kids!”

AT YOUR FINGERTIPS: SUGAR AND SPICE (1970)

The Idea: The At Your Fingertips series is all about arts and crafts using stuff around the house. Here, we see how you can use sugar to create festive Christmas ornaments. Through creativity and hard work, you can make decorating a blast!

The Output: The At Your Fingertips series is all about spending way too much time on ugly and insane crap that really looks far from fun. This Christmas-related one is no different. Things come off as less festive and more gross and unpleasant. And that’s before the children start eating pure sugar. Ugh.

“If she’s already sleeping, we might be able to see her dreams.” “We’re in, children. Let’s get ready to begin our Christmas inception. I won’t lie to you: we might have to shoot our way out.”

SANTA CLAUS (1959)

The Idea: In a Mexican adaptation of the Santa Claus myth, we see the jolly one as he spends the night delivering presents. Some children get extra focus for the movie, including a little boy whose parents don’t seem to have time for him and a poor, little girl who only wants a doll to play with. As Santa tries to make right by them, he’s vexed by Pitch, a devil sent to ruin Christmas for everyone.

The Output: This is another MST3K double-dip, but for good reason. It’s delightfully insane. See, Santa is already a nutty concept, but we get into Drunk History territory here where the people behind the movie don’t quite get it and his mythology gets even stranger in translation.

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Did you know Santa is good friends with Merlin the Magician? Did you know that he has a burly blacksmith working for him? Or that Santa lives in space with little children from all around the world doing his bidding? Or that he regularly fights the minions of Satan?

The MST3K version might be better, but it is nice getting to see the full cut of the movie for once.

“Who and what are you?” “I am—“ “Meryl Streep. I am good in everything.”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1952)

The Idea: The Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol, otherwise known as Scrooge, is considered an outright classic. Perhaps the greatest telling of the Charles Dickens story of a hateful rich man realizing his own humanity thanks to being visited by ghosts. Here, we get to see the movie in its abridged form and get through it in minutes.

The Output: Listen, A Christmas Carol has a pretty solidified structure. Scrooge is a dick, his dead friend warns him, he gets led around by three other ghosts, and he comes out of it a better person. Abridging it simply does not work. Basically, Marley introduces him to the Ghost of Christmas Present and that’s enough to make a change. Bridget puts it best: “They edited the Dickens out of the movie!”

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This short is part of Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year, which is done by Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson instead of the usual riffers. It features some non-riff stuff in-between this and the following short…

“Man, I wish I hadn’t gone commando today…”

THE LITTLE LAMB (1955)

The Idea: During storytime, a group of children ask to hear a story about an animal while one girl wants to hear a story about Jesus. Their mother figures to cover both by telling the story of Jesus’ birth from the point of view of three shepherds. While two of them brave strong winds to save a lost, little lamb, an angel appears to them to tell them about the birth of Christ. They and their curmudgeonly associate go off to find the new king.

The Output: Honestly, this one isn’t all that bad, really. It’s a pretty solid production and the only part that really gets a rise out of Mary Jo and Bridget is when they warm baby Jesus’ body by laying the lamb next to him. It’s not the most memorable little short, but it’s fine for what it is.

Plus I’m always distracted by how much the guy playing Joseph looks like CM Punk. It’s downright uncanny in some shots.

“A real child’s actual tears! I know I’m ready for Christmas!”

I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (1984)

The idea: Simon is a bullied child whose parents have been kidnapped by African soldiers. Desperate to get them back, he and a friend sneak off from a school field trip and board a plane in hopes to find where Santa Claus lives. Alongside a Christmas Fairy (who looks an awful lot like Simon’s kindly teacher), Santa goes to Africa to rescue the captives. Meanwhile, the children are captured by an ogre.

The Output: Did any of that sound lucid? Because this French film is out there, man. It’s cute, but it also decides that being a kid’s movie means it doesn’t have to be logically coherent. You know, even though there’s an entire plot thread about African warlords kidnapping people. Kids like that stuff, right?

You know that, “I’m the captain now!” part of Captain Phillips? Imagine Tom Hanks replaced with Santa in that scene and you’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg of how bizarre this Christmas film is.

“Monkeys, you know, are very much like human beings in many ways. And sometimes they do the very same things that we do.” “Why, here’s a monkey Black Friday stampede!”

SANTA CLAUS’ STORY (1945)

The Idea: It begins with Twas the Night Before Christmas and ends with the, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” speech. In-between, Santa tells two children about how monkeys also celebrate Christmas and have their very own Monkey Santa Claus.

The Output: Monkey Santa Claus. Really.

This short is barely being held together by a narrative. They basically have a bunch of footage of monkeys and chimps doing stuff and since this includes 20 seconds of a chimp wearing a horrifying Santa Claus mask and costume, they decide that there’s a Monkey Christmas and write everything around that.

Somehow, this was the sanest thing shown at the RiffTrax Live for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

“Bricks on his face. Sure! He’s a dragon.” “All dragons have bricks on their face.”

THE TALE OF THE CUSTARD DRAGON (1965)

The Idea: Ogden Nash’s poem for children comes to life. A little girl has a pet dog, cat, mouse, and dragon. The dragon, named Custard, is a bit of a coward and only wants to be let alone. But then on one Christmas Eve, when his friends are attacked by an evil pirate, Custard has to stand up and save their presents.

The Output: The poem is acted out via a handful of kids in little Halloween costumes, including Custard being a dragon with a brick facemask. The short takes place in somebody’s den and aesthetically, the whole thing is a weird mess. Custard also straight-up murders the pirate, which makes sense on the page, but feels a bit off the reservation when we see a child viciously attacking an adult in a lame costume.

“AAAAAHHHH! Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas trees!” “Good God, he’s keeping them alive!”

THE CHRISTMAS TREE (1975)

The Idea: This short tells us the story of three pine trees who are cut down and go through the process of becoming Christmas trees. This means being sold, being decorated, enduring Christmas, and, sadly, being discarded. Shown in live-action, the trees are portrayed by mimes in tree costumes and facepaint.

The Output: It’s cute, but also bewildering. With zero dialogue, we watch these three guys mug at each other while Christmas stuff happens around them. As strange as it is by default, it loses its mind in the final minutes when we see the trees thrown in the garbage as they start to die. Not only do the trees-with-faces die, but we get to see their trees-with-faces ghosts fly up into the sky.

Tree ghosts. Yup.

“GAH! His face looks like a series of horrible wounds!” “That just started healing.” “What are the dots..?!”

SANTA’S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS (1966)

The Idea: Hey, kids! It’s time for Whizzo the Clown! This local TV clown has a special show in store for everyone as he and his audience of kids play around and pretend to be circus performers! Then they check out some motorized Christmas-based decorations before getting ready for the main event: riding a magic carpet and visiting Santa himself!

The Output: This one’s best summed up right after the opening credits end. As Whizzo walks out and mumbles loudly like he’s having an episode, Mike laughingly wonders if they’ve gone too far, knowing that the three of them are about to sit through some rough shit. While Whizzo certainly has energy and some kind of charisma, he’s also the poster boy for why people are frightened of clowns without having to go the easy serial killer route. No, he’s a friendly and jokey clown, but he’s also completely horrifying to look at.

This low-budget affair not only features Whizzo’s catchphrase of, “Now I have that to worry about,” but also the catchphrase of one girl in the audience loudly coughing throughout the hour. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to sit through.

“Yeah… Celebrate the nativity… That’s what daddy likes…”

GIFTS FROM THE AIR (1937)

The Idea: A poor boy wanders through the snow, enduring Christmas Eve without food, family, or toys. He comes across a toy store where a dancing toy soldier annoys the store owner enough to have him thrown out. The boy takes the soldier in to his humble home and his good deed is rewarded as the toy soldier happens to know how to summon Santa Claus himself!

The Output: Dancing toy cartoons with poor kids is nothing new for RiffTrax, but this one is certainly unique enough to be a must-watch. The moment Santa delivers the toys to the little boy, it becomes complete and utter madness. It’s a bunch of bizarre toys who talk like what appears to be 1930s celebrities. Like there’s a goat that sings like Bing Crosby, so even though I know who Bing Crosby is, that doesn’t make the toy goat make any more sense.

Movies

MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

By Gavin Jasper

Culture

Best Holiday Gifts for Geeks in 2020

By Chris Cummins

The highlight is when a Santa Jack-in-the-box pops out and tells another toy something so indistinct that Mike notes, “��How the hell are you, scramble puss? Smelly Christmas to you,’ is what I heard.”

“Well. This place looks cozy. I LIVE HERE NOW!”

SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP (1930s)

The Idea: Once again, we get to see how Santa Claus performs his duties. From his home in the North Pole to the home of a nice middle-class family, we see Santa get letters from kids, fly on his sleigh, and deliver the presents themselves. We also get a look at the family in question, who celebrate the holidays via singing a lovely rendition of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

The Output: It’s your usual fare on this one and not too much that sticks out. That’s not to say that it’s meant to be skipped, as Kevin singing “Pretty Woman” over “O Come All Ye Faithful” makes this worth the dollar.

The one part of the short that makes it seem off is the revelation towards the end that Santa doesn’t simply fly across the world to deliver presents in one go, but instead flies back and forth for every single household. I mean, Santa can only carry so many presents in that sack of his, right?

“And so, they started out together, not realizing they were being followed.” “Well, they were easy to track…thanks to a long trail of spunk.” “DAMN IT, KEVIN!” “(Sorry.)”

SPUNKY THE SNOWMAN (1958)

The Idea: When a group of children write a letter to Santa, it’s up to their newly-created snowman Spunky to deliver it to Santa himself. Spunky and the little dog Jeff go on a quest, only to be opposed by a fox, an owl, and a wolf. Each creature wants to steal that letter and bring it to Santa, figuring that they can then steal the gifts. Spunky and Jeff are soon aided by a bear, but can even he keep them safe?

The Output: The guy’s name is Spunky. You know exactly what kind of jokes you’re getting the second you see that title.

Otherwise, it’s an animated story that tries to be whimsical, but is really just nonsense. It takes a bunch of Christmas cliches like magic snowmen, letters to Santa, talking animals, and desire for Christmas trees and badly pastes it all together into a confusing package.

“When you’re not shaking that over our heads to make us work, you can hobble around on it and enjoy your sciatica!” “A zinger from TV’s Frank!”

BEYOND CHRISTMAS (1940)

The idea: Three old rich men feel lonely during Christmas night and one comes up with an idea of throwing wallets with $10 bills out onto the sidewalk and inviting anyone kind enough to return them to enjoy dinner with them. The gambit pays off and leads to a romance between a Texan with a golden voice and a schoolteacher. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes the old men and they have to help the couple out from beyond the grave.

The output: This movie (originally known as Beyond Tomorrow) is actually pretty damn good. It’s a little sluggish in the second half, but it’s original, has some likeable characters, and never really gets too stupid. Even Bridget and Mary Jo find themselves getting invested in what’s going on when they should be telling jokes. With them, it feels more like you’re watching a movie together rather than just watching them rip it apart.

Personally, I think it would make for a better Christmas movie if the first act took place during Thanksgiving and built towards an ending happening during Christmas. Might have made the supernatural and uplifting stuff pop more.

“Seriously, what the Hell is going on with the mitten tree?!”

CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS NEAR AND FAR (1955)

The idea: As some children prepare for a Christmas pageant, one asks their teacher about the origins of the Christmas tree. This leads to her explaining how children from different countries celebrate Christmas in varying ways.

The output: As we all know, different = funny. While some of the customs might be normal, it doesn’t help that most of them are depicted by children dressing up as foreigners while standing in front of a curtain. So it’s a Christmas pageant within a short about the attempt to rehearse a Christmas pageant. Crazy.

Through the short, we get to see a weird kid dancing around in an elf hat, a Christmas tree covered in mittens, and a thing about how kids in China do a big ceremony to celebrate the events of Christ’s birth.

“Whaddya know?! Armed and dangerous!” “None of my quips are funny but some…make very little sense!”

JACK FROST (1997)

The idea: Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton family film from the same time, Jack Frost deals with a serial killer who escapes captivity, only to be seemingly vaporized by a chemical spill. In actuality, he survives as living snow and uses his new form to attempt revenge on the police officer that arrested him in the first place. Even when the officer and his family know what they’re up against, they don’t even know if there’s a way to stop him.

The output: I remember renting this baby back in the late-90s and, hoo boy, it’s a lot worse than I remembered it being. As a horror villain, Jack Frost wants to be like Freddy Krueger or Chucky, where he kills his victims while belting out memorable one-liners. The problem is, everything he says falls flat or is complete nonsense. He constantly stumbles on his own attempts at charisma.

Movies

MST3K: The Landmark Episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

Doctor Who: The Weird Anomaly of the 1965 ‘Christmas Special’

By Andrew Blair

Despite taking place in a town in winter that’s supposed to support the existence of snowmen and sledding and the like, it’s obviously taking place in a hot and sunny area with weak attempts to hide it.

It’s still better than the sequel, which was one of those cringeworthy “intentionally bad” gems.

“God… Oh no, have they been hypnotized?” “I…I…I think it might be a cult. They’re quietly chanting to that tree right now.” “…I think the tree might be marrying them.” “This is horrible!”

A CHRISTMAS FANTASY (1962)

The Idea: Two children admire their Christmas tree before falling asleep on the couch. As they dream of trees in the winter, Santa Claus appears to deliver gifts. It’s only just over five minutes, so there isn’t much happening here.

The Output: Despite its short runtime, this one really meanders. The way the kids stare at the tree like they’re about to be murdered by the Blair Witch. The endless shots of trees with no leaves on them.

The money shot of this short is when Santa shows up. Rather than just get a guy to wear a beard and call it a day, they instead have him wear a mask. It seriously looks like Leatherface is pretending to be Santa here and it’s HORRIFYING. As the guys put it, even Krampus is freaked out by this Santa.

“Santa, I wrote you a new song!” “Oh, good! A song! That’ll get me hammered.”

A SONG FOR SANTA

The idea: A trio of lost boys find themselves in a church and sit down to enjoy the warmth and chorus. One child nods off from the music and finds himself in Santa’s domain, where he offers to create a new and original Christmas song to delight Santa and his angels.

The output: The first half is normal enough, despite little of interest happening. Right when the Santa stuff happens, things get weird and creepy. Instead of elves, Santa has little girls dressed as angels and disturbingly leers at them like there’s no good that can come out of whatever’s happening. The boy’s attempt to write Santa a new song goes nowhere, as he just sings him an old song with the justification that, “I didn’t know this song until now, so it must be new to you too.”

This is another one of those oddball shorts or movies where there’s a framing device that’s forgotten about. The boy never wakes up from his dream or anything. It just ends with him hanging out with creepy Santa and his underage harem.

“Spirit…tell me if Tiny Tim will live.” “I see an empty chair in the chimney corner.” “Oh, so he not only lives, he walks?!” “No!” “It’s a Christmas miracle!” “No, no!”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1959)

The idea: I explained Christmas Carol earlier. Luckily, we finally have a version that’s the full story and not abridged like what Bridget and Mary Jo watched.

The output: This one’s by Coronet Films, meaning it’s old as hell and feels cheap. To its credit, despite running at just over 20 minutes, it tells the complete story without feeling rushed. It just feels a bit under budget, what with the limited quality in costumes and several sets being some props on a fog-filled sound stage.

Still, it’s A Christmas Carol and you have to go out of your way to do a bad job with that. This one’s still fairly watchable, even if the riffs are well-deserved.

“This isn’t so much A Miracle on 34th Street as it is A Horse Who Took a Dump on 34th Street.”

SANTA’S SUMMER HOUSE (2012)

The idea: A group of travelers get lost in a fog and end up at the doorstep of a kindly couple who allow them to stay in their mansion for a couple days. Little do these visitors realize that their hosts are none other than Santa Claus and his wife! The two try to use their wisdom and magic to improve the lives of these visitors and mend their relationships.

The output: This piece of shit is written and directed by the same guys who gave us A Talking Cat!?! It even takes place in the same house. At least with Talking Cat!?! there were two separate houses used. Here, it’s just the one.

It’s a hell of a lineup of actors. Mrs. Claus starred in RiffTrax target Honor and Glory. The egomaniac scientist guy in this movie is the JCVD knockoff from MST3K’s Future War. Santa himself is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Even though he isn’t all that overweight and doesn’t have a beard, he’s still identified as looking a lot like Santa.

The movie is just bad dialogue said by bad actors, occasionally broken up by wipe edits featuring Christmas Clip-Art. It never reaches Talking Cat!?! levels of batshit, but it’s still stupid as a pile of rocks.

“They’re buying a brother?!”

CHARLIE’S CHRISTMAS SECRET (1984)

The idea: A young Seth Green plays Charlie, who feels that he’s outgrown Christmas. The commercialism does nothing for him and makes him feel hollow. At first, his instincts are vindicated when he comes across various others – a bitter, old woman, a poor single mother, and a scheming homeless man – but soon he realizes the meaning of Christmas by putting their needs first.

The output: Again, this one is halfway decent. All in all, it tells a really sweet story. It just happens to have a few awkward aspects to it. The whole thing has subtitles and they almost never match what’s actually being said, instead going for the simplest way of conveying whatever thoughts. Like instead of saying, “No thank you, I’m not hungry right now,” it would just say, “No.”

The most questionable part of this special, and something that I’m glad is called out by the riffers, is that Charlie apparently has to buy his own Christmas gifts. Part of the plot is that he has his eye on a stereo and instead of asking Santa for it or having his parents buy it for him, he has to save up the money from his paper route, get the stereo, and then have his mother wrap it and place it under the tree.

What the Hell?

“No. No way. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You’re just someone in a Santa suit.” “That’s why YOU never get anything for Christmas!” “Also, ’cause you made Feeders!”

FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998)

The Idea: Previously, aliens invaded and feasted on a handful of confused and horrified Earthlings. Now a second UFO has arrived to conquer again, this time with its aliens creeping around and causing havoc through a suburban town. As one family gets ready for Christmas, they gradually come to realize how doomed they truly are.

The Output: RiffTrax was kind of slick on this one. On Halloween of 2019, they put out a riff for an utterly terrible low-budget piece of garbage called Feeders, which is about a bunch of laughable alien puppets invading Earth and killing some of the ugliest people to ever show up on film. Then, just a couple months later, they released a riff on its Christmas-themed sequel.

While I do suggest watching the first one, you won’t be too lost if you don’t. A survivor from the first movie goes about summarizing the first movie’s events in a series of loose framing devices that aren’t directly connected to the rest of the movie. It is pretty funny on its own, though, because a character who died in the first movie and is featured prominently in the flashbacks is played by the very same guy who is the protagonist of this movie.

Movies

The 16 Best Winter Horror Movies

By Daniel Kurland and 3 others

The Twilight Zone Marathon: A History of a Holiday Tradition

By Arlen Schumer

Not only does the climax take place on Christmas Eve, but Santa gets involved! Santa, who for some reason sounds like Homsar from Homestar Runner, is attacked by aliens (who look even worse than in the first movie) and proceeds to be the secret weapon in saving the world. He’s up there with the over-the-top boss character and the silliest-looking dead cat special effect in reasons why you should watch this one.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“And now I will read you this editorial.” “‘The Rent is Too Damn High!’ by Virginia O’Hanlon”

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS (1974)

The Idea: A young girl, teased by her classmates, wonders about the existence of Santa Claus. Various adults try to assure her of his existence despite admitting that they’ve never actually met him. She ends up writing to the newspaper and asks them. Egged on by an ambitious paperboy, the newspaper’s editor decides to publish his response for everyone to read.

The Output: Imagine watching a Peanuts special that features absolutely none of the Peanuts cast and is at about 75% the quality. That’s what this cartoon is. It’s also very dull, what with them trying to add a narrative to the whole newspaper editorial.

There is some real heart in it, but it doesn’t work as a whole. Probably my favorite part is when the “Yes, Virginia” editorial is read out loud. Despite the simplistic animation, the people’s reactions are emotional. Some kids seem humbled. Some adult couples embrace. Then all of the sudden, the local Irish cop character does a happy jig that probably cost them half the animation budget.

“All of this was in Dickens’ first draft, by the way. Even the goofy music.”

BANKS: THE MONEY MOVERS (1977)

The Idea: Due to his familiarity as a popular literary character, Ebenezer Scrooge (er, Arthur Scrooge?) is used as a window to help people learn about how banks work and why they are a worthwhile place to put your money. As a stand-in for the viewer, Scrooge learns about deposits, withdrawals, interest, loans, and other aspects of the business.

The Output: This is all explained via a version of Christmas Carol where Scrooge is taught a lesson by ghosts for being stingy with his money. Namely that he keeps it in his mattress. As Mike points out, it’s incredibly messed up that Marley is suffering eternal damnation because he never got a Wells Fargo account. I get trying to map your lesson onto a preexisting story, but think it through a little!

Also wild in this is how despite his old-timey appearance, Scrooge exists in modern times and is even seen using a check to buy a motor scooter. It’s completely inane, but at least the guy playing Scrooge seems like he’s having a fun time.

“The birth of Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. That’s what it’s all about.”

ALIAS ST. NICK (1935)

The Idea: As a family of adorable mice get ready for Christmas, a scheming cat decides to get through their defenses by dressing up as Santa Claus, delivering their gifts, and then devouring them. His plan appears to be working extremely well, but there’s one mouse child who doesn’t believe in Santa and is quick to see through his disguise.

The Output: Although the guys don’t bring it up, it’s kind of odd that the kid who spends the whole cartoon being loudly and annoyingly skeptic about the existence of Santa Claus is absolutely 100% vindicated. There isn’t some kind of last-second evidence of Santa or something. It just ends.

Otherwise, this is just your average off-brand Looney Tunes cartoon. Probably the most bizarre moment is when the cat puts together his Santa costume and strips a doll naked to make his beard.

“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”

DECEMBER HOLIDAYS (1982)

The Idea: A narrator explains three of the bigger December holidays: Posadas, Chanukah, and Christmas. Through what appears to be fly on the wall footage, various families celebrate these holidays with their festive traditions. The narrator tries to educate the viewer on the families’ behavior and how it relates to the origins of the holidays.

The Output: I mean, that’s…pretty much it. There’s nothing wacky about this short. It’s pretty dull, but it’s a decent enough target for Mike, Bill, and Kevin. Sometimes you don’t need an Ice Cream Bunny to have a good time.

“When are you planning on going back to Florida?” “I think we’re going to wait until you have your baby. Just want to make sure you’re okay.” “And that you don’t give birth to a CGI vampire baby.”

BABY OF THE BRIDE (1991)

The Idea: A made-for-TV movie starring Rue McClanahan is actually the second in a trilogy about a dysfunctional, all-grown-up family filled with all kinds of interpersonal problems. In the previous movie, Margaret Becker married a much younger man and it took her children some time to adjust. Now things are getting crazy as not only is one of her daughters pregnant, but Margaret is pregnant too! She, her new husband, and her four kids all have to deal with a ton of drama, which all culminates at midnight mass!

The Output: This is another Bridget and Mary Jo installment and the two have a habit of tackling movies that aren’t so much the worst thing ever, but are too corny to ignore. That’s Baby of the Bride, pretty much. It’s very much a watchable movie, but it’s also a movie about Blanche from Golden Girls being pregnant, which is buried among all kinds of different subplots about how dysfunctional her family is. This family collectively gets divorced more than they get their cars’ oil checked.

The whole narrative is about eight months long because of the whole double pregnancy thing, but the climax is during Christmas Eve, so I guess it ultimately counts as a holiday movie. It just takes a long time to get there.

“I think this guy was a boss in Cuphead.”

THE SNOWMAN (1932)

The Idea: Somewhere in the arctic, an Inuit child and his animal friends enjoy their slightly-less-chilly summer by building a snowman. After happily putting it together and throwing snowballs at it, the snowman comes alive and goes on a rampage. Can the child destroy what he created before the malevolent snow beast goes too far?

The Output: This cartoon is all over the place and is one of the absolute best holiday shorts RiffTrax has commented on. So much crazy shit is compressed into this package. Snowman buttcracks? Check. Jimmy Durante impressions? Check. Penguin church? Check. I won’t even spoil how the snowman is defeated other than saying that it’s completely ridiculous and makes zero sense.

Still, it’s better than that Snowman movie with Harry Hole getting all the clues.

The post RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes appeared first on Den of Geek.

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sunlitroom · 7 years ago

Text

Gotham – s4e09 – Let Them Eat Pie

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Bruce killed R'as and started down a dark path. This path is so well trodden by Gotham's citizens at this point that it should really have vending machines and little benches along the way - is there anyone at this point who hasn't offed someone? Bruce acts out. Oswald has met Martin. Harvey made a mistake. Jim took over as captain in the coldest way possible. What did you do to get it? Ha - a sneaky cut there shows us Jim and Sofia on the couch. Oh Jim - all those noble intentions about not dancing to Carmine’s tune when you came to town way back in s1e1, and you wound up the Falcones’ bitch after all. Pyg and his endless fucking talking.

As always, long post will be long. There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)). There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism. Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

Someone who is clearly Pyg in disguise is handing out donuts to the homeless. Between Oswald's poisoned Cannoli, and the drugged pastry Ed fed the mayor, Gotham seems very concerned with making sure we never accept free pastries. He's disguised as a priest, which I think is a very specific offence. He lures some to go with him with the promise of pie, ushering them into a van

Say no to free pastries, and don't get into vans with theatrical strangers

Pyg has taken them to an empty building of some sort. He's photographing the homeless people he lured away and pinning the pictures to a wall. He's also wittering on about divisions in society, and saying he knows how it feels to feel like a ‘have not’. After a few mouthfuls of his pie, the people round the table all slump. Pyg gloats that he's going to show the ‘haves’ a lesson.

In a makeshift kitchen, he takes off his disguise and begins to butcher the corpses.

Let's begin - shall we?

At the precinct, a man is painting Jim's name on the door of the Captain’s office, while, inside, Harvey is still clearing his stuff out. Ouch.

I'll be out of your way in just a second, captain

Jim says this isn't how he wanted things to go down, but this vaguely regretful look doesn't tally with how cold and self-righteous he was last week when relieving Harvey of duty - so fuck you, Jim.

Harvey says he was thinking about their first case. He says that if Jim had killed Oswald, then Falcone would still be running things, and a lot of people who are dead would be alive today.

(An aside - what now? Am I misremembering things, and Falcone was actually some kind of jolly Santa Claus figure? I'm not sure why we keep getting this bizarre nostalgia. Plus, it completely discounts that both Fish and Maroni were jockeying for position too.)

Jim says that if he could go back he'd do exactly the same thing. Harvey says Jim doesn't understand how the city works: it doesn't need heroes - it needs people who'll do what's necessary. In a staggering display of hypocrisy, Jim tells him that he's wrong:

if you show them the way, people will follow

He also tells Harvey that when his leave is over - there's a desk waiting for him - but Harvey replies that he has no desire to sit and watch Jim all day. He leaves, and Jim is left standing alone. For the second time now, we’ve seen him in that office – but not in the Captain’s chair.

(An aside – it’s probably Gotham’s old problem of inconsistency week to week, but Jim’s sudden sadface is not in keeping with his behaviour last week. Also, Harvey seems to have lost 4 seasons’ worth of characterisation and gone back to his earliest version of himself. On top of that, Jim’s not even going to see him until he gets back from leave? Not check up on his self-destructive friend at all? This isn’t in keeping with how close they are at all. Why has a big reset button been hit on their friendship?)

At the orphanage, Sofia's arranging flowers.

Oswald enters the room, says the flowers are beautiful and assures her that the benefit will be a success. Sofia says she hopes so - she wants the wealthy to fund the orphanage.

Oswald however, has to decline, and says something has come up. She asks if it's the thing in the Narrows with his former Chief of Staff. Oswald shakes his head – and tells her that it’s more serious – Jim’s promotion.

Sofia asks if he's worried. Oswald smiles and says the issue is the person who ordered the appointment. Sofia deflects – commenting that the mayor is a weasel. Os isn't buying this, though, and says that someone has got to the mayor, and when Oswald finds out who is really behind it, there will be a reckoning.

(An aside - someone at Gotham loves Hannibal)

Sofia looks thoughtful for a moment. She tells him Martin is doing a song tonight with the other children, and smiles before leaving..

Mr Penn scurries over, looking anxious. He tells Oswald to have Victor ‘talk’ to Sofia if he suspects that she’s responsible, but Oswald says she is literally his only friend. Mr Penn delicately asks if she's actually murdered the mayor. Oswald considers this – what if he’s

Chasing a ghost while she’s preparing her next move

He needs someone discreet, someone to get close to her. He has a brainwave. Oswald is going to recruit Martin

Oh Oswald. No. This is a bad idea.

In the hallway outside, Sofia was apparently lurking outside the door - listening to their noisy conversation. She calls Jim. Jim picks up and tries to be all stern, saying that they're done.

Jim - you don't get to keep the captaincy and stay on your moral high horse. You’re bought and paid for, Captain Blond.

Sofia tells him Oswald suspects something. Jim asks if she warned the mayor. She says she did. He says it sounds as if she has her bases covered and tells her not to call again, after insincerely thanking her for the heads up about Oswald. He hangs up. She looks at the phone in some consternation.

Jim walks on up the stairs where Harper is answering the phone. Jim picks up and immediately says Sofia

Wrong, try again

It's Pyg. He asks Jim if he remembers how he told him about the rot in Gotham, from high to low. As he speaks, Pyg is setting up the final touches on some tent. As he leaves, he tells Jim to hurry out for a taste of what's to come.

(An aside - Jim’s slip-up here, and Pyg’s failure to be shocked by it further undermines all the incorruptible Jim Gordon stuff from Pyg, and points again to a plan from Sofia)

As Jim and Harper enter the tent, we see the corpses of two of the homeless people dressed up in 18th century aristocratic clothes, pigs snorting round the table, and a card saying vive la revolution

Jim wants the area closed off, as he’s saying this, one of the people gawping in at the tent comments that one of the pigs is starting to eat a corpse.

(And another Hannibal nod - this is Mason Verger’s thing.)

The kitchens at Wayne Manor. Bruce stumbles in and brattily demands breakfast at lunchtime. Alfred tries to reach out to him, but Bruce is not responding. Alfred reminds him he killed Ra’s. Bruce takes out his phone and tries to ignore him. Alfred asks him he remembers what day it is. Bruce explodes – it’s the day of the annual camping tradition, where they lay stones at the top of some nearby hill. He takes the stones out, inscribed with Bruce and Thomas’ initials, and tells him to remember whose son he is. If I’m honest, I’d guess that comparing his current behaviour to his father’s is probably already part of Bruce’s self-flagellation routine, but I can see why Alfred tried it.

In the morgue, Jim is explaining to Jim that the homeless people seem to have had their organs removed. Jim puzzles aloud about why Pyg said the victims would be rich and powerful if he was going to target the homeless. Lucius points out that Jim wants logic from psychopaths, and suggests that he’s using them to make a statement.

Jim says the homeless population is densest in the Narrows. As he leaves, Lucius comments that it’s a hell of a first day to be captain.

At the Narrows, Jim is sending officers out to search. Harper tells him that traces of the chemicals found on the corpses are used in paper manufacturing. Jim fortuitously remembers an abandoned paper factory nearby, and they head off.

As soon as they enter, they see there's a corpse lying on a table, a hole where an organ should be. Harper asks what he’s doing. Jim says he’s taking organs and – on seeing a grill nearby – adds:

He's cooking them

There’s a sound, and Jim and Harper hare off after it. Pyg manages to sneak up on Harper and (I think) stab her in the chest/shoulder. He tells Jim to drop his gun. Harper tells Jim to shoot the bastard, but Jim drops the gun instead. Pyg says they found him too soon (he really is quite shit), and chortles that the table is not yet set. Jim offers himself as a hostage, but Pyg says he must see the final act. Knocking Harper out, he hauls her into the van and drives off. Jim looks after them, looking faintly put out.

A brief scene to demonstrate that Alfred and Kevin the teenager have indeed gone to the woods.

In a room at the iceberg lounge, we see that Oswald has made Martin a suit for the fundraiser. They communicate with each other through the mirror, emphasising that while they might want to communicate with each other, there’s deception and manipulation acting as a barrier.

Oswald comments that Sofia is

Quite a lady isn't she? A friend to both of us.

Or is she? He tells Martin that he worries Sofia is only pretending to be Oswald’s friend, and using Martin. Martin frowns, and draws a question mark on his pad. Oswald tells him that he’s been running it over in his mind, and there’s two possible ways she’s done this.

The first – she chose a specific orphan to place in his path, told his how to act, groomed him….

Martin shakes his head violently at this, panicked and upset. Oswald backs down from this line of thought, and suggests option two, that she just collected group of children hoping one would gain his trust and make him easier to manipulate. Martin looks tearful.

Oswald tells him that in the second version, he is innocent (Oswald, he’s innocent in both – because he’s a child) and that this is the version he badly wants to believe.

To prove his friendship, he wants Martin to spy on Sofia. Martin nods his head, and Oswald offers his hand. His face working, he asks Martin not to let him down, please. As Oswald walks away, we see that Martin is crying.

(An aside. A number of things with this scene.

First of all – in what we’re being presented, Martin is under a horrible amount of strain. I think Sofia has set him up from the beginning, or at least pushed hard – which puts her on the same list as Tabitha, for me. I think Martin does genuinely want to be friends with Oswald, and now he’s in a horrible, dreadful situation. As for Oswald, he’s allowing his own hang-ups free rein, and is placing a massive amount of strain on a child. It’s more sincere than Sofia, if that makes sense, his emotional involvement is genuine, more meaningful, and not motivated by anything – but it’s still inappropriate to place that burden on a child.

As discussed elsewhere with @rhavewellyarnbag and @maysgreatnewusername, though, given how manipulative and demanding Getrud was (and Elijah, imo), I think that Oswald is under the impression that this is how relationships work – specifically parent/child relationships. Getrud was jealous and demanding (and pretty unstable, imo). From Oswald’s behaviour, he was practised in placating and comforting her. He’s not especially reflective about that relationship, though – and maybe never will be, now – and so instead of recognising that it wasn’t healthy, he instead sort of operates within its parameters.

Secondly – this just didn’t feel solid to me, and I think I’ve figured out why. I just don’t buy that Oswald is so emotionally committed to the idea of friendship with Sofia. That has really been highlighted by his interactions with Martin, where I think you can see genuine emotional engagement.

As such – I don’t think I really believe the lengths he’s going to ascertain her sincerity. He’s mistrusted her from the outset with good reason. I don’t buy that the relationship is emotionally fulfilling enough to outweigh that – it’s too laced with doubt and suspicion, and Oswald finds neither tolerable. At this point, it feels more realistic to me that he would just write her off as too risky, tell Mr Penn to legally extract Martin, and either destroy her or withdraw totally into a Cold War situation.)

At the Narrows, Jim is barking orders about Harper's search. The press ask questions. Jim says he believes Pyg is responsible. A reporter asks how people can be kept safe if they can't keep officers safe. Another asks whether Jim will be pushed aside like Harvey Bullock was if he fails. Jim winces. Another asks about the rumour of cooking victims. A disgruntled Jim asks who told him that.

Back in the paper factory. Jim angrily remarks that someone leaked to press about the cooked victims. Lucius suggests Pyg – which does make sense – and tells Jim everyone is on his side. He also tells him there’s something he has to see.

Pyg's left a quote from A Modest Proposal. Lucius recognises it because he’s pretty wonderful:

“I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for Landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the Parents, seem to have the best Title to the Children.”

(An aside – yeuch, Pyg and his posey little undergraduate affectations.)

He explains that it's an argument for cannibalism – eating the poor. Jim extrapolates from the text that it’s specifically talking about orphans, and heads off alone to the Orphanage. As he suspects that it’s a trap – and doesn’t want to be caught out like Harvey, he says he’ll go alone.

At the orphanage, Sofia is in the kitchens. Pyg shows up in a chef disguise and says he’s made a change to the menu – Gotham meat pies instead of the pre-arranged menu. Hiding organs underneath a pastry lid doesn’t exactly take much work. Hannibal would turn his nose up at all this.

In the woods, Alfred tries, while Bruce sulks. Alfred tells the story of how he met Thomas. He was on a self-destructive path after the army, drink and drugs. He woke up in an alley, covered in blood, and turned himself in, hoping the police would send him to jail. The police made him wait.

There was an annoying American wandering around. He asked Alfred what he did, and Alfred spilled his guts about everything. Bruce is listening, but trying to seem like he’s not. When the police come back over, Thomas concocts a story to save Alfred – telling the police that Alfred saved him from being mugged. After the police left, Alfred told Thomas that’s not what happened – but Thomas told him it is now.

Alfred tells Bruce that friendship saved him. He knows what it's like to hope for punishment – he wants to help Bruce. Bruce grimaces and says he hears him, but doesn’t want to talk about it.

He suddenly gets up and unconvincingly searches for the rocks. He says he must have left them in the car, and runs off. Alfred spots that the rocks are actually in the bag, and hears Bruce drive off.

At the Orphanage, the benefit has started. Sofia tells Oswald and Martin they both look handsome.

Oswald tells her he knows how important the evening is, and that he wouldn't have forgiven himself if missed Martin’s performance. Sofia asks Oswald if he found the mayor. Oswald says he didn’t. Sofia claims she’s happy he could make it to dinner, and goes off to check on the chef, sending Martin off to the other children. Oswald turns, and reminds Martin to watch Sofia.

Jim sneaks into the orphanage basement by the back door.

We see Martin standing in a hallway, writing in his pad. We get some menacing music as Sofia approaches Martin from behind, and asks him what he’s writing. In terms of the question of Sofia’s affection for Martin, I think it’s notable that her approach here is reminiscent of Pyg sneaking up on Harper, and then again on him sneaking up on Jim in the next scene.

Jim is lurking round. A surprised waiter encounters him. Jim hushes him, questions him about the chef, and tells him to bring Sofia to him. As the waiter turns, Jim asks him what’s in his jacket. The waiter turns and swings for Jim. Jim lands a punch, but is then knocked out by Pyg, who appeared from nowhere.

He comments that Jim really is an impressive policeman. The waiter tells him that he thinks Jim came alone. We see Jim dumped in a random room in the orphanage, with a bound and gagged Harper.

Elsewhere in the orphanage, Sofia is making a speech about how an orphanage was a long-cherished dream. What, Falcone couldn’t afford this before or something? Or did he draw the line at putting a gangster’s name on an orphanage? Whatever.

She asks them to go next door and take their seats for the performance. Oswald approaches and asks where Martin is – he wanted to wish him luck. Sofia smiles slightly, but ignores this – and comments that maybe things happen for a reason. Licensing crime was a bold move, but could have destroyed Oswald. Whoever appointed Jim might have saved him.

Oswald is incredulous – by destroying everything he ever created? He looks hard at Sofia. He tells her to confess that she did it, and face the consequences.

They’re interrupted by Pyg – who says something wanky and punny about dinner or performances or something. I honestly tune him out.

Jim is trying to untie Harper, and has apparently stopped the bleeding. She tells him they forgot to search her (that was very convenient). Jim finds a knife strapped to her ankle and begins to work on the door.

They sit down to dinner downstairs. Oswald angrily asks Sofia if this is another of her plans, to which she retorts no.

Pyg gives an intensely annoying performance.

Sofia calls enough – and asks where the children are. Pyg stabs her in the hand. Oswald stands, enraged – but Pyg warns him not to pull it out, the next is in her eye.

He tells Sofia that the children are in the kitchen: he’s not an animal

(You are, mate - you slaughtered and butchered those homeless people)

He rambles on a bit more to make sure everyone gets his hypocritical moral lesson. Oswald twigs first that the pies are people and refuses to eat. Pyg then reveals that he has Martin.

(I’d point out here that the last person to see Martin before Pyg showed up with him in tow was Sofia)

Sofia and Oswald stand, both seemingly enraged. He tells them to eat or he’ll kill the boy. One of the other guests refuses, saying that he’s just some urchin, so why bother. An livid Oswald turns as he says this and – taking the knife from Sofia’s hand – stabs him in the head.

Pyg claims Oswald is the main reason he’s here, the worst glutton. Again – really? Worse than any of the other powerful people in town? He reiterates that Martin will die if he doesn’t eat. Oswald tears up, looks down at the pie, and starts cramming it in his mouth, retching as he does. Turning, he screams at the rest of them to eat – or he’ll hunt them down and kill them all.

Jim gets the door off its hinges.

Pyg keeps talking. He reminds Sofia she has to eat – why, if she’s so desperate to save Martin, has she waited? She tells him she will as long as he doesn’t hurt Martin. It feels very stagey. She struggles to pick up her fork, and asks Oswald – in a little-girl voice – if he can help her. Now it definitely feels staged.

He picks up the fork, and cuts a piece for her. She’s just about to take a bite when Jim runs in, firing his gun, and chaos ensues.

Oswald flings himself in front of Jim, begging him to stop, because he’ll kill the kid. Jim tells Oswald to get off him, and shoves him away. Oswald ushers Martin from the room – not Sofia, who instead runs towards Jim. Jim tells her to get out – and a fight ensues on the table between him and Pyg

Much flightiness goes on. At one point, Pyg tells Jim

Don't give up - you'll ruin everything

(Which – again – maybe points to Jim just playing a role in someone else’s plan.)

Just as Pyg has Jim pinned, Jim spots the knife Oswald used to stab that guy in the head and – pulling it out – stabs Pyg. See – Jim and Oswald connected even when the plot is throwing angst and contrived conflict at them: Oswald just saved Jim’s life. Gobblepot confirmed.

Sofia’s hand is being stitched up by a police officer. As they leave, Oswald enters and asks how her hand is. She says it’s fine, and asks after Martin. Oswald replies that he’s stronger than he looks.

Drawing closer to her, he tells her she paid off mayor to make Jim Captain

And you want me to believe this was out of friendship – to save me.

Sofia says she tried to talk him out of the Pax – but there was no other way. Oswald says it’s equally possible she is his enemy, intent on destruction. She comments that he could choose to see it that way – but the choice is his.

Oswald says that whatever the reasoning – she went behind his back, and he’d be justified in killing her, but what she was going to do for Martin - that was real.

(Yeah - but very conveniently timed - Oswald. And who says her pie had people in it?)

She nods and looks downwards. I don’t buy her sincerity here – her face is very similar to when Falcone told her she wasn’t ready for Gotham. Oswald steps closer, and tells her never to betray him again. He also says he will abandon the licensing scheme (what a damp fucking squib that was) but will not accept Jim as Captain. Sofia shrugs and tells him to pick someone else, Gordon means less than nothing to her. After Oswald has left, she smirks.

Outside, Jim puts Pyg in the back of the policecar. The press call for Captain Gordon. Walking over, he reports back to them, and says GCPD kept its promise. They thank him, and he nods uncomfortably. Sofia watches smiling from a window, Jim looks up at her, somewhat uncertainly.

At Wayne Manor, Bruce is having a party. There’s some back and forth, but Alfred kicks them out. He tells Bruce to face up to who he really is. Bruce is apparently cut up that he avenged his parents – but nothing changed – so why did he do it?

Alfred tries to convince him to talk more, to help him understand – but Bruce glowers and tells Alfred to behave like his butler, not his father. He runs off to join his friends and leaves Alfred behind

Holding a glass of whiskey, Sofia faces the fire, waiting on a predictable Jim, who walks into the room. She smiles at him, calling him the hero of the day. Jim looks po-faced, and says he was just doing his job. She smiles again.

I know you hate me, but you deserve the job

Jim says he went to Falcone and knew what he was getting into, but it doesn't mean he has to like it. Sofia says that he accepts it, though. It’s not clear to me here whether she means the job, or the reality of what he has done. I’d argue that Jim doesn’t accept it, actually – his affronted superiority as soon as he was given the captaincy was a joke.

Jim stubbornly says he deserves the job like Gotham deserves law and order. Sofia frowns and asks if Jim thinks she doesn’t want that too. She tells him that she’s not his enemy – and never will be. Touching his face, she kisses him. Jim kisses back, but seems to have a realisation. He steps back, mistrust on his face.

(An aside – Jim, I know Sofia’s just about wearing her breasts as earmuffs this evening, and you’re easily distracted, but really? After all the cruel things she said about Harvey? Your best friend? Who’s put himself in danger’s way for you so often? Risked his career for you? Made an enemy of every other person in the precinct for you? Engineered your jailbreak? Really really? You still accept a kiss? It’s unclear where that situation went – he seemed to be stepping back, but – if not – he’s putrid right now.)

Oswald waits outside in car. Martin gets in, and Oswald asks if he found anything out. Martin looks conflicted, but writes in his pad and shows it to Oswald

I saw Sofia kissing the policeman

Oswald reads this and – wide-eyed – looks back at Martin for confirmation, who nods.

Oswald is tearful. He smiles and tells Martin that he is a good friend, and Martin smiles back. Turning to the window, his face is twitching with rage and pain.

As for Sofia - she will answer for what she has done. I swear it.

He stares out the car window, on the point of tears.

General Observations

That isn’t what happened, though, is it?

It is now

There’s a bit of a running theme this week on what you choose to believe. Thomas gives Alfred a new story. In choosing to accept it, he began a new life. Jim refuses to fully accept that he got the captaincy by dishonest means, stubbornly reiterating that he deserves it anyway. Sofia gives Oswald a choice – what does he want to believe: is she a friend, or enemy?

There’s variation, though, on how healthy that is. Thomas’ lie offered Alfred a way to a better life, and a way to get out of the mess he was in. Jim’s lie makes him a hypocrite. He’s uncomfortable in his own skin, under the bluster, and he’s lost his only friend. Believing Sofia’s lie could prove deadly to Oswald.

All that aside – to be honest, I just find this whole Sofia/Oswald storyline frustrating. Oswald has swithered between mistrust, threats, and tearful vulnerability – but now we’ve definitely landed on friendship? When did that happen?

And even if you leave to one side the fact that his brain must be operating at about 75% efficiency to have decided that the daughter of Don Falcone has shown up in town and magically become his bestie – you still have the Ivy mess. If Oswald was so vulnerable and needy for affection and connection, then the way that whole relationship played out just made no sense whatsoever. He doesn’t squander friendship. He’s more likely to smother it by holding on too tightly – but he doesn’t throw it away.

And, for reasons discussed earlier, I just don’t buy that he’s emotionally attached to Sofia. He’s tearful in this episode, but I think it’s as much anger and humiliation as anything. I just don’t see a bond there: there’s never been enough trust. I likewise don’t really believe that he’d dither for this long – it’s too dangerous.

Likewise, I’m feeling almost done with Jim/Sofia. Jim’s wallowing in a big mucky pool of hypocrisy right now, and it’s very much time for him to be taken down a peg or two. Sofia’s feelings towards him are a little grey. If it turns out she’s now nursing genuine feelings for him, then I’ll be pretty bored. Just let her be unapologetically malign.

All in time – it’s time to rip off the bandaid, I feel.

Thoughts?

#gotham commentary #let them eat pie #gotham s4e09

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jobethdalloway · 7 years ago

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omg we're only a week into december and i'm gonna flip a table if i have to listen to bing crosby etc at home one more time or michael buble at work. My mom insists on playing holiday music 24/7 but is open to suggestions and i was wondering if you had anything you'd recommend? You seem like you'd know some out-of-the-box choices

Hi there! you absolutely came to the right person! Well, maybe haha. I have some recommendations for you!!! And I’ll link you to Youtube playlists when possible.

1) My family’s go-to, every-year, no-contest favorite Christmas album is Maureen McGovern’s. We all have our preferred albums of choice, but this is the one we all love whole-heartedly. Maureen has such a beautiful voice, she somehow manages to make the classics sound new (Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, O Holy Night; she straight-up updates Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town in a pretty fun way). She also puts together some wonderful medleys, and includes a number of songs I’ve never heard elsewhere (The Christmas Tree, Our First Christmas, Do You Know It’s Christmas). A wonderful mixture of fun and reverence, when needed!

2) Our family’s other go-to is the Readers’ Digest Christmas Through the Years (a few different YouTube playlists come up when you search for this one). What I love about this collection is that it includes a lot of classic songs, but not the best-known versions, so you get to hear these wonderful different takes on familiar songs and a lot of different voices from the ‘40s-’70s. One of my faves is the Lettermen’s Christmas Waltz. In addition to the classics there are also lesser-known vintage niche songs, which I think is a lot of fun. See: The Merry Christmas Polka, which leads to a required dancing break every Christmas at our house, haha.

3) Christmas with Judy Collins is one my mom and I really like. Like Maureen, she does a handful of well-known songs, but they don’t feel like typical straight covers. It might be that her voice is clear as a damn bell, but man, there is just something ethereal about them. I also love that she takes on lesser-done songs, like the Wexford Carol, and she introduced me to The Cherry Tree Carol which just has such a gorgeous melody and I love it.

4) John Denver & the Muppets: Christmas Together. This might be less charming if you’re not into the Muppets, but John does a few of the songs on his own. My favorite is “Noel: Christmas Eve, 1913″ from a poem presumably written on that date. It’s beautiful and his voice is so lovely.

5) The Singers Unlimited Christmas. This is old-school a capella at its finest. I am a sucker for good harmonies (another reason why I probably love the Lettermen so much!), and this group has it down pat, oh my gosh. Beautiful four-part harmonies executed on every song - they grab your attention! Even though most of the songs are familiar ones, they’re done in such a way that to me makes them feel so unique.

6) Broadway: Carols for a Cure - oh my gosh, I’m just learning this seems to be an annual thing they do?? I’ll have to check out more! (It’s so titled bc proceeds go to funding AIDS research.) Each song is performed by the cast of a then-running Broadway show, and I linked you to what is unquestionably the best rendition of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” repurposed as “The 12 Days of Phantom” by the Phantom of the Opera cast. Each line is tackled a different way with each round, and it’s so hilarious. Love it.

7) Take 6: He Is Christmas - More great harmonies!! A capella gospel, how can you not love it? (Well … I mean I guess you can’t, but my dad loves it and this is one of his perennial faves) This is all spiritual music, again with some numbers that may be less familiar to some sprinkled in with classics - and, again, they make those standards sound fresh. Zing. Pop.

8) If you’re sick of songs with lyrics and your mother would be amenable to instrumental music, I highly recommend these two albums the Metropolitan Museum put out for a Renaissance Christmas and Baroque Christmas. Just lovely, lovely stuff that evokes the holiday without foisting any obnoxiously ubiquitous songs on you (I actually think Greensleeves and the Coventry Carol are the only ones I recognize).

9) The Andrews’ Sisters Christmas - I wasn’t sure if they fit into the “etc” after your Bing Crosby remark (which is why I didn’t include Nat King Cole here - but he is fabulous and my favorite of the old crooners!). Just in case, I thought I’d throw them in. Those harmonies, my goodness, they really are amazing and make these all sound so fresh. They have fun jazzy takes on some standards and include some more fun vintage stuff I’ve never heard elsewhere (Christmas Island, The Christmas Tree Angel, Christmas Candles).

10) I thought I’d better make this a round ten, so if anyone in your family digs disco, I’d recommend Earth Wind & Fire’s holiday album. Pretty damn hard not to tap your foot with the beat here and it’s just such goofy fun.

Anyway! Sorry if that was TMI, I just REALLY love Christmas music, haha. And I love these ones in particular because they aren’t just “let’s churn out a Christmas album I guess;” they are all so full of heart and passion and beauty, both spiritual and secular. There are other albums I like - Doris Day, The Carpenters, the Charlie Brown soundtrack; my dad loves Diana Krall’s and James Taylor’s Christmas albums - but I figured they’re pretty ubiquitous and/or don’t do much original with the music like the above 10 do. Hope you find something you like! Happy listening!!

#anon #christmas #christmas music #phew! that was fun

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iceripperthethird · 7 years ago

Text

I guess tag time?

Rules: Respond the 92 questions and tag 25 persons. I wasn’t actually tagged, but I’m pretending I was

Last

1.Drink: Half Dr Pepper half Cherry Pepsi

2.Phone call: Pocket dial from an ex doesn’t count, so facetime with a long distance friend that kept getting disconnected

3.Text: “Because it’s stuck in my head, but that’s kinda my fault cuz I keep listening to the same song over and over and over and over and over again”

4.Song listened to: Three-Thirty by AJR

5.Time you cried: About three hours ago

Have you ever:

6. Dated someone twice: Hell naw. Don’t know think I’d ever take any of them back tbh

7. Been cheated on: Nope.

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: Um... no. Not that I can think of.

9. Lost someone special: Lots of times....

10. Been depressed: Yeah.... but I’m trying

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope. Just got spacey as fuck after a shot and half a cosmo and a screwdriver

List 3 fav. colors:

12. Purple

13. Blue

14. Idk, black I guess

In the last year have you:

15. made new friends: Probably

16. fallen in love: I’ve loved but I don’t think I’ve been In Love

17. laughed until you cried: Tons of times :D

18. found out someone was talking about you: Unfortunately

19. met someone who’s changed you: I don’t know...??

20. found out who your true friends are: Yep.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: Uhhh... *checks friends list* No.

22. how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them except one, who happens to be a mutual

23. do you have any pets: Unfortunately, no :(

24. do you want to change your name: Nah

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Did a shot with the fam and went to the bar with my (then) boyfriend, then spent the night at his house afterword

26. what time did you wake up: 6:45am because fuck my life, that’s why

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Growing frustrated with the aforementioned long distance friend’s wifi because our facetime kept getting disconnected

28. name something you cannot wait for: I don’t know, something amazing, I guess...

29. when was the last time you saw your mother: We’re literally sitting in the same room right now?

30. what is one thing you would change about your life: I wish I didn’t have to deal with depression and anxiety as much

31. what are you listening to right now: Sober Up by AJR (my favorite song right now)

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep. My godmother’s ex husband’s uncle (or cousin or family friend or something) brings his poker chips and dice to family gatherings and everyone chips in a dollar and we play Left Right Center and whoever wins gets the money. It gets really intense sometimes, and there was one time we crowded 20 people around the dining room table.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: I don’t know... Kind of everything, really

34. Most visited website: Tumblr, youtube, and facebook

35. funniest memory: That one time @piper-rory and I got into shenanigans in English class. We got away with so much shit that we shouldn’t have, and to this day I have no idea how.

36. memory from school: “Big S-curve,” “THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC COMES FROM My LOINS,” and basically anything else that came from band class. Also “Slutty olive oil,” “clear as a diamond at Tiffany’s” and “Carbonated piss” from Environmental Science

37. memories you want to make: I want to go on Hobbit-style adventures and have fun and make friends and I want to go to Disney World and I want to go to the Indiana Dunes again and I want to go on a road trip

38. natural hair color: Too light to be brown but too dark to be blonde, with too much red to actually decide one way or the other

39. long or short hair: Long, but not long enough. When it’s sopping wet and being pulled as straight as it can get, it’s down to the bottom of my rib cage, but I’m growing it out in hopes that I can get it down to my hips.

40. do you have a crush on someone: Ahhh... residual love from a fresh breakup, and beyond that... I mean, there’s a cute guy that I’m friends with, but at this exact moment, that’s it.

41. what do you like about yourself: I have good curves and awesome legs and sometimes I say stuff that makes sense

42. piercings: Just my earlobes, but sometimes I like wearing ear cuffs

43. blood type: Fuck if I know

44. nickname: I don’t really have one, but my D&D character’s name is Mnemosyne (nim-AH-zen-ee)

45. relationship status: Freshly single and more bothered by it that I like to admit.

46. zodiac sign: By the traditional star chart, Libra. Mathematically correct, Virgo. Chinese, rat. Native American, raven.

47. pronouns: She/her. Cuz I’m boring.

48. favourite tv show: Avatar: The Last Airbender.

49. tattoos: No, thank you.

50. left or right handed: Left

First:

51. Surgery: It’s not something I like to talk about, so if you want to know about it, feel free to send me an ask (but please not anon because, well... I’m still self conscious about it even though it was like... 10 or 11 years ago)

52. Piercing: As previously stated, just my earlobes.

53. Best Friend: Don’t really have one at the moment, but if I had to pick, I’d say either the D&D group or MiniMads

54. Sport: Marching band and show choir all throughout high school, track in 6th and 7th grade

55. Vacation: My grandparents owned a lake house in Michigan that we went to all the time when I was growing up

56. Pair of trainers: Black high top Converse, black low top knock off Converse, black slide on fuzzums, black knee high boots. Basically all of my shoes are fucking black.

57. Favourite snack: Ice cream.

58. Drink you hate: Mountain Dew is fucking disgusting

59. I’m about to: Probably go to bed tbh

60. I’m listening to: Basically anything and everything you can find on this youtube channel here because I love this band to death they are my absolute favorite

61. Waiting for: I don’t know... something amazing, I guess.

62. Wanting: A trip to Disney World

63. Get married: I don’t know, tbh.

64. Career: Something that won’t make me miserable.

Your type:

65. hugs or kisses: Cuddles and kisses both

66. lips or eyes: Eyes, but soft kissable lips are nice too

67. Shorter or Taller: Taller than me

68. Older or Younger: Either, as long as it’s a reasonable age difference either way

69. Romantic or Spontaneous: Spontaneous romantic.

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: As long as they’re able to give good hugs, I don’t think I really care

71. Sensitive or Loud: Sensitive and able to communicate

72. Hook-up or relationship: Hookups are fun until you get attached, but relationships are stressful when you’re not good at them. So... relationship

73. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant at first but as soon as you cross me, I can and will make your life hell.

Have you ever:

74. Kissed a Stranger: No. And I don’t plan to.

75. Drank hard liquor: All I had on my 21st birthday was vodka.

76. Lost glasses/contacts: No???? That shit’s expensive, why the fuck wouldn’t I keep track of it????

77. Turned someone down: Yes. Quite a few times.

78. Had sex on first date: HELL NO

79. Broken someone’s heart: Yeah, but they broke mine first, so they had it coming.

80. Had your heart broken: Several times.

81. Been arrested: No. I might be reckless, but I’m not that crazy.

82. Cried when someone died: Everyone does???

83. Fallen for a friend: Yeah.... and then he switched schools and told me it wouldn’t work between us and dated one of my best friends who went to the same school as me and then when they broke up he ended up with another girl that I haven’t met in person but we’re mutuals and I think they’re still together but either way I don’t really care because I just want him to be happy.

Do you believe in:

84. Yourself: Most days, yeah

85. Miracles: I haven’t really thought about it, but my chronically single long distance friend managed to get laid, so I guess that counts as a miracle?

86. Love at first sight: No. It is statistically improbable.

87. Santa Claus: Yeah, it’s a town in Indiana. All joking aside though, I believe Santa Claus is the spirit of Christmas. It’s the holiday cheer and spreading joy and the little adrenaline rush of giving presents. It’s the sparkle of Christmas lights reflecting off tinsel and it’s trees in the front window. Santa Claus isn’t a person, but everyone has a bit of Santa Claus in them

88. Kiss on first date: My (now ex) boyfriend and I made out for 4 and a half ours after our first date.

89. Angels: Yeah, but they’re really complicated

90. Current best friends name: @doctordetectivewinchester @vengeance-is-sworn @a-girl-in-a-place and MiniMads

91. eye color: Green

92. fav movie: Wonder Woman, Howl’s Moving Castle, Castle in the Sky, basically anything Studio Ghibli, and anything Disney.

I hereby tag everyone who’s already been tagged in this post, as well as @vampireapologist cuz all I know about her is that she’s eaten poison ivy and somehow lived to tell the tale. And you know, anyone else who’s actually read this far.

#message me if you read the tags #we should be friends or something

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wmucradio · 8 years ago

Photo

Q & A with Gabrielle Smith of Ó (formerly Eskimeaux)

On April 12th, I attended a show at the Black Cat featuring the band formerly known as Eskimeaux* as the opening act, followed by Why? It was the first time I had been able to see Gabrielle Smith and her gang perform live, so I was very excited. The show was incredible, and the band was very tight. Every pause or idiosyncratic beat was facilitated expertly by Felix and Gabrielle, followed by head nods and curtsies between Oliver and Jack. The band is a joy to watch live, as you can see and feel their chemistry in every song. The set included many of my personal favorites, along with a few previews of new material. Following their set, I met with Gabrielle for a “brief” interview that ended up lasting over an hour. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but our correspondence felt more like catching up with an old friend than it did an interview. Gabrielle Smith is honestly one of the most pleasant human beings I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I have transcribed questions from the interview below.

*Since this interview, the band has changed their name to Ó. This came to fruition following a confrontation with Inuk throat singer, Tanya Tagaq, in which she made clear that the term “Eskimo” is considered derogatory by much of the Inuit population.

Q: What music did you grow up on?

A: When I was growing up my parents were really into Carol King, the Carpenters, and I grew up in choirs. So I was always performing, thinking about, and singing really weird hymns. A lot of Hallelujah and stuff like that. And my grandma is a pianist, so she would always play really good classical stuff.

Q: Was that when you started with music making? (Like when you were a kid, through choir, or did you do other things?)

A: Yeah, it was between that and I took violin lessons when I was growing up. But I didn’t really think of it as “making music.” I feel like when I was little I didn’t understand that choir, and orchestra, and Ace of Base were the same thing. There was this really big separation for me between musician, which I didn’t understand as being human, and the product. I sort of knew phonetically El-ton John and Ce-line Di-on, and Ace of Base. But didn’t understand that they were people until I was much older.

Q: Was it sort of like finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real?

A: It’s kind of the same thing. You’re like “Oh my god, someone made this. This is like art, I guess. Woah.”

Q: Are you still coping with that realization?

A: It’s kind of hard to. I feel like making music and doing this has made it clear that musicians are human beings. But I still didn’t connect some of my favorite ones. Like Why? for example. I was like “I could probably meet so-and-so if I networked this way.” Or “I bet this person through this person knows person X.”

Q: So it’s still kind of non-people with artists that you’re into?

A: Yeah. I mean, especially ones from my younger years.

Q: Did you have any specific female influences in your life when it comes to songwriting or even getting into instruments?

A: Yeah. Definitely Bjork was a huge one. Joanna Newsom. So amazing. So amazing. It’s unreasonable. I remember hearing her for the first time. There was this kid that went to a different high school. I thought he was so cool. He had a band, and wore scarves, and was very glam. He had “The Book of Right On” on his Myspace page, and I was like “What is this? I’ve never heard anything like this before. This is so amazing. It’s kind of annoying and it’s so brilliant. And the lyrics are so amazing. And I’ve never noticed lyrics before. And holy sh*t.” It was a huge realization. So, Joanna Newsom. Really big one. And probably Greta, from Frankie Cosmos.

Q: I was actually going to ask you about shaving your head. Because I know you’ve done it, she’s (Greta) done it, and so has Adrianne Lenker from Big Thief. I was wondering if it was significant in some way or if you all just did it?

A: So, I was on tour with Oliver’s project, Bellows, and Felix’s project, Told Slant, and The Hotelier. Pride Weekend happened and my friend Meghan shaved her head, and I was like “Wow. You look so hot and cool. I just think I need to know if I could do it.”

Q: Are you into any other art form? Because I know that you went to University of the Arts.

A: For like a second. I went for like a month. It was so bad. Not that the University of the Arts was bad, I was bad. I just felt like they… First of all, I wanted to go for animation. And they were like you could go for animation or you could go for film and we’ll give you a half scholarship. And I was like “okay, what’s the jig here?” And I never found out because I only stayed for a month. I basically got offered to go on a tour with this band, and then I said yes. And then I called my parents from Indiana. And I was like “I’ve been on tour for a week, and I’m not in school. So…”

Q: How did they take that?

A: They were really pissed, obviously.

Q: When did they finally come around- Have they come around?

A: They’ve come around. They came around. I mean, my parents have always been really supportive. But they really, really, came around after Frankie Cosmos played at the MOMA. That was the moment, they were like “Oh, this is cool.”

Q: Was it a hard decision for you?

A: I didn’t like it at all. I was miserable. We were just watching Westerns, and it’s so unreasonable. There were kids in my class that had turtlenecks and low pony tails. It was like the black turtleneck with the round glasses, the low pony tail, and the beret was what really pushed it over the edge for me. You can do anything you want. You can dress that way and it’s totally fine! I just think that sitting in a class talking about which Western is the best in the summer, while wearing those things. And that being said, it was really air-conditioned, so I kinda wished I was wearing it too. But I didn’t give in. My point is that these kids just took themselves really seriously. And I feel that the point of art school is that you’re supposed to unlearn everything you know so that these professors can say “this is how you do it. This is what art school is all about. This is the technique you never knew. If you don’t allow us to fully give you what we know, you’ll just waste your money here.” But these kids were like “my name is Remington.” I don’t know how else to explain it. It was just a vibe that I got. The kids were just super like “I was the weird kid in my town in New Jersey.” That’s also fine. I don’t know, I feel really stuck-up saying all this, but. My priorities were just elsewhere. I also think I wasn’t ready to go to college, realistically.

Q: Were you trained on the instruments that you play now, or were you self-taught?

A: I took piano lessons very minimally from my grandma. It was nice, except I was an asshole. She was teaching me about all these important things like scales and I was super not interested in what she had to say. I was like “Piano sucks.” It’s super overwhelming. It looks like nothing, so it’s just really weird. But lo and behold, I play keyboard in Oliver’s band. Well, I play synth. It’s more like pushing a button and turning the knob. I do know the chords!

Q: How was growing up in New York? Did you feel like you had a normal childhood?

A: I think so. My parents work so hard. My dad is a lawyer. And my mom’s had a bunch of different jobs, but they’ve always in the finance department of whatever thing she’s doing. Right now, she works at this humongous insurance company. I think they insure business, so like malpractice insurance. I only know this because I worked there for a little while, and they gave me this really fancy title. I was a “Junior Financial Analyst.” However, I was scanning W-9 forms and digitizing their clientele. I was basically a scanner.

Q: It’s fine. I just gave myself a job. My sister has this madrigal group so I made myself their “administrator.” But now I’ve actually started to do things!

A: What are you doing?

Q: I’m booking a gig for them! It’s crazy.

A: Wow, a madrigal choir. That’s so cool. I love that.

Q: My sister’s all about renaissance music. I’ll be listening to my music in the car and she’ll just be like “can I put on my recital repertoire?” and I’ll be like “Oh my god, okay fine.” And it just completely ruins my day, but it’s fine. She’s actually really good, so I don’t mind. But I don’t really like other people’s voices.

A: There was one day where for a few minutes we listened to Gregorian chants. And it was so amazing. Jack is really into this mash-up artist named Neil Cicierega. He just came out with a new record Mouth Moods. So, you should totally check it out.

Q: Is it what it sounds like it’s going to be?

A: Yeah. Well, he’s really about All Star by Smash Mouth.

Q: Why is everyone all about that song?

A: It’s just what it is.

Q: SO confusing.

A: It’s just the most amazingly horrific pump-up jam. You’re just like “yeah, I think I can do whatever I set out to do today.” So one day, this guy, Neil Cicierega, decided to mash up the YMCA to the Inception soundtrack. It’s really moving and really emotional. So we’ve been pranked a lot with that. You should just listen to it. It’s bad to describe it. You should listen to it even though you shouldn’t.

Q: I understand. Back to All-Star, the radio station played All-Star for 24 hours straight once.

A: That’s like two- two stories about that. One day, we tried to listen to Build This Pool by Blink-182. We tried to take the 45 minute challenge. We made it like 10 minutes I would say, but we had to stop. The other story is that I used to go to this camp, called Camp Lohikan. It was on the New York/Pennsylvania border. It was a really shi*ty camp. But the camp owner thought it would be really funny to play Hero by Enrique Iglesias for a full day over the loud speaker for the entire day of camp. So I forever know all the words to that song. We tried to cover Hero actually. We learned it one time, but forgot it since. So, we’ll have to learn it again!

Q: If you weren’t doing music what would be doing? What would your dream job be? Because I’m assuming this is your dream job.

A: It is my dream job, definitely. Well, I have this back-up plan. Which requires a lot of money. So it’s not really a good Plan B. But my friend and I are super passionate about animals. She works at the ACCT in Philadelphia. It’s a kill shelter, but her job is getting animals to rescue. So she calls rescues all day to promote animals that are ready to be adopted. She’s very cool. We have this pipe dream to have an animal sanctuary. And there was a moment this year, I guess it was last year, where I was just feeling super down on everything. I was like “What the f*ck am I doing? Why am I doing this? What does this mean? This is super weird. Well, you know. This is such a weird job. And it’s based on validation which doesn’t always come. Or like when you’re not on an album cycle, what are you doing? You’re just living your life and it’s weird. And I grew up in a choir, so being like “listen to me” is a weird impulse that I don’t really possess naturally. So anyway, I was having this whole moment of crisis, and then I called up my friend. We were talking about it and saying “we could just have an animal sanctuary.” And she was like “There are a bunch of goats in my job right now. You should come down and pet the goats.” And I was like “I can’t come down, because if I pet the goats I’m going to take them home.”

We discussed the pros and cons of having a goat as a pet in New York City, but decided that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. However, according to Gabby, a goat would likely be one of the few animals that would understand her dog. She’s had her dog, Frankie, for 4 years. He’s a smallish pitbull-esque dog that a lot of their neighborhood kids are scared of. However, Gabby stated that he’s a very good “muffin.” We talked a little bit about the Chinese zodiac, along with the origin of the line “2011, the Year of the Rabbit.” (It was a “really good rhyme” that was incidentally true!) This led to a discussion about reading horoscopes and being a Taurus.

Q: What do you embody about a Taurus?

A: Well, we’re really stubborn. And we love food and money. And aren’t really good about either of those things. In that, because I have such a high standard for what food should be like, I’m really picky about quality. Though I’ve been trying to get better because obviously touring is a nightmare. It’s more of just like an “oh my god, this texture is disgusting” type of thing. I’m really weird about food. Like, I don’t like fruit. Yeah, none of it, it’s gross. I mean, I like lemons and limes.

We discussed the correctness of calling lemons and limes, “fruits.” Ultimately, we decided to be honest and call it what it is. They’re more along the lines of sauces and stuff to make lemonade with. Lemonade, according to Gabby, is just “sauce in a cup.” Back-up Plan C for Gabby may well end up being “Cup Sauce” lemonade. She’s even come up with the slogan: “Buy it. Do you like it?” A slogan that I immediately shot down and told her that she’d likely need to hire a better PR person. Gabby then brought up her stage banter during her set and said it’s not very good at selling. I, however, disagreed. Her understated and meek “thank you’s” perfectly compliment the direct tone in her songs.

She did tell the crowd earlier in the night that she was in a really bad mood. An issue that started earlier in the day with a looming phone call that she had already pushed back. The ride to DC was also stressing her out, and causing her to be angry and grumpy. (Something that I could never imagine!) She was able to turn it around though, and it ended up being totally fine. There were also some issues with the voltage of her second-hand Japanese amp. She was getting shocked during soundcheck but the sound guy helped her out with all the technical bullsh*t!

Q: Have you ever felt that you’ve had something to prove, because you are a female musician, to people who might know a lot about the technical stuff and things like that?

A: I think that I did when I was younger and first starting. I feel like I was really, really, adamant about being my own producer and recording everything myself. And whenever I enlisted the help of other people, it was as an arrangement kind of thing. I had a really big, well it wasn’t a really big deal, but I had this other bandmate who was a man. For a while, it was just the two of us. And a lot of times, people would come up to him, asking him questions. Or they’d be like “producer, Him, and songstress, Gabrielle Smith.” It was just like “Ew. F*ck. Uh, no.” So it took a lot to kind of re-write that. But, that being said, I am super, super, lucky. All of my friends have been supportive and treat me as an equal even though most of them are male. We all share secrets about songwriting with each other, and it’s this super reciprocally nice supportive process. So I’ve been in a bubble basically, for my whole coming up time. (She’s referring to her music collective here.) It’s been easy in that way, but I do think that people, even on this tour don’t assume- like, I work my own merch table, and a lot of times people are like “oh, is this the opening band? Are they good?” And they just assume that I’m not in the band. Most times, people generally know who we are before we get there. Yeah, it’s been really chill, to answer your question. I feel like it was harder when I was younger, but now I don’t really care, so I don’t think about it.

Q: What are you working on now?

A: I feel like, usually all of my songs have already come out before we come out with an official record. So yeah, this time, we have a whole record written. I’ve written a couple more songs on this tour that I want to see if they’re better than some of the other songs. Because some of them are kind of like- they’re good, but they don’t make sense on the record.

Q: Is there a theme that they’re not fitting?

A: Well yeah. The record, I think, the overarching theme, is sort of the opposite of O.K. Where O.K. was very like “and this moment is this, and I’m in love with this person!” and “ this moment is this, and I like you.” And “this is how you’re affecting me in this moment.” It was very descriptive of external observation and how I was feeling about them. The new songs are a lot more internal, and more about trying really, really, hard to exist in the present and not being able to fully be there. It’s a lot more impressionistic. There’s more color rather than nature. It’s a lot more internal and hard to escape yourself kind of feeling.

Q: And this was around the time you were having your “goat moment”?

A: Oh yeah! So sick- I’m gonna call it that from now on.

Her hope is that the band will hit the studio after this tour and the next tour (w/ Frankie Cosmos). She’s hoping they’ll be done tracking the record by July, and that it’ll be done and ready to release by the Fall. She’s very excited about it. In a new song, there’s even a visual of a goat that is trying to stand on a moving truck bed, but is having a difficult time standing up. She was hoping they would play this new song on tour, but they couldn’t due to instrumentation needs.

Q: What’s your favorite part about coming to DC?

A: Well, usually. This is going to sound like a humble brag, but I’m really good buddies with Bob Boilen. He’s the best, and so nice. Kate Tempest is in town, and he was like “I’m so sorry, I can’t come to the show. Usually you know that I’d come make it work, but you’re playing at exactly the same time as Kate Tempest. She never comes here, so.” And I was like “it’s totally fine,” but now I’m really sad. We just like chill. He’s so chill. The last time I saw him, Eskimeaux came here and played at Rock and Roll hotel with Japanese Breakfast, and he stopped by the NPR office. And we had written this Christmas song the night before that we performed on All Songs Considered. It’s really good. I actually stole- for one of the new songs that we played tonight, I realized that I actually stole one of the melodies and chord progressions from the Christmas song. And I had to text Michelle and be like “I hope this is okay. I’m really into this song that I just wrote, but I know that I stole the “Christmas tree-ee” part, and I know that it’s maybe not chill to do that. And she was like “oh my god, it’s fine.”

We then discussed the fact that interning at NPR’s Tiny Desk is my dream, our love for HBO’s Bored to Death, and methods for figuring out the name of someone you’ve forgotten. If you’re wondering, the right way to do it is by introducing another friend to the aforementioned forgotten friend, and just hope that they’ll say their name.

Gabby told me about her favorite things about touring: amazing food and being touristy. (Places that she recommended include White Sands National Park and Meow Wolf in Santa Fe.) Along with seeing friends from other cities and getting to tour with bands that are super inspirational to her.

“This is so surreal, and it’s really amazing that I was able to get so out of it that I was in a bad mood.”

When I told her that it was completely human to feel bad, and that she shouldn’t be apologizing or feeling bad for feeling bad, she said something that made me realize what an amazing artist (and person) she is.

“I just want so badly to not normalize this experience at all- and have it be this overwhelmingly amazing thing.”

We talked a bit more about the pros and cons of touring. According to Gabby, the worst thing about tour is that she’s not as available to be a good friend. It’s hard to be like “just so you know, I’m still your friend. Tell me if you need anything, I love you.” Another things is navigating her coffee addiction. Something that started when she was working at a coffee shop in New York. She told me a bit about her experience there, which she asked to have off the record. She now drinks two cups a day, but Oliver is on a very rigorous coffee schedule. She goes along with it, but now has gotten into buying tinctures, so that she won’t need coffee as much. Apparently they taste like sh*t, but she’s been putting it into Kevita. (Which is basically just “bubbly cup sauce.”)

Q: Super weird question, but would you be willing to take a mirror selfie with me?

Written and transcribed By No Boys Allowed DJ Ava Mirzadegan

#dc #interviews

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