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pensat-i-fet · 2 years ago

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An Easter basket of surprises (Benjamin x Pavard)

**I got a request to write about Pavard with no specific topic and after wondering what I could do for him, this is what I came up with. Hope you all like it ❤️**

Word count: 2048

Masterlist

Wattpad

"Remember you have to do the video after training, ok?"

"Impossible to forget when you've told me a hundred times".

I try to concentrate on what matters, training. The team has been asking me to be in more and more videos for social media since I got a couple of individual awards and people learnt my name. I don't mind it when I get to film with one of the girls, but today they asked me to film with a male player. At least it isn't him.

"Are you coming with us?", asks Georgia when I'm done drying my hair.

"No, I have to do some filming for the team".

"Lucky you", she laughs. "See you later, then".

"Bye. Have fun!"

I walk towards the media area and see it's pretty empty.

"Am I early?"

"Not really but everyone has been panicking".

"Why?"

"The player you were going to film with isn't feeling well so they had to go find another one".

Relax, there are too many players on that team. You aren't going to be that unlucky.

"Who's coming then?"

"We'll find out soon".

They ask me to sit and wait and it only makes me more nervous so I undo and redo my ponytail about ten times. I always do that when I’m nervous.

"Hello gorgeous. Looks like we get to spend some time together today".

Of course, it's him.

"Hello, Benjamin. Let's do this quickly so it's over soon".

"You didn't say that last time", he whispers in my ear, only making me more annoyed.

"I didn’t want to be rude. But I was thinking about it".

He laughs, flicking my ponytail, which earns him a slap on the hand.

"Just pretend you like me for a second. It won't be that hard".

"I'm used to pretending and faking when I'm with you".

"Keep telling yourself that".

Benjamin and I had seen each other at team events multiple times but we never spoke. One night, I went out with some friends and we found him and his friends at a club.

After a couple of drinks, we were making out in the VIP area…and then I made the mistake of taking him home with me.

When we were having breakfast, I was trying to see what this could mean. I liked him and I had had a good time…but then one of his friends came out of my flatmate's room and started to chat with us. And saying he was an ass would be being too nice.

Dear Benjamin didn't bother to stop him from calling me all the names he wanted to. And when I told him to go to hell he just told me it was banter and that my reaction proved women couldn't play football because we are too sensitive. It was then that Benjamin finally reacted, by holding me before I punched his stupid friend’s face.

And that was also the last time we interacted properly. We saw each other but pretended we didn't. So it was back to square one. But not really.

"Ok, lovelies, we'll do a few Easter activities so they can be posted around the festivities. And you can talk a bit about the cultural differences between how this is celebrated in Germany and your countries".

"Sure", I say, walking towards the table where they had set all the things we'll be working with.

I don't notice any steps behind me so I turn to see where my partner is.

"Are you seriously staring at my ass?"

"Nope".

But his innocent look is fooling no one.

"Do we have to colour eggs?", he says, looking at the materials on the table.

"Yes!"

He doesn't share our media boss's enthusiasm and that entertains me a lot.

"I love painting eggs, don't you, Benji?"

"Benji?", his disgusted face is hilarious.

"Don't you like my nickname for you?"

"Not really, but it's better than what you called me last time".

I smile at him, proud of my choice of words at that moment.

"But nothing beats the things you called me while you were…faking it".

And the smile is gone.

“We’ll start filming in 3, 2, 1…”.

“Hi guys, we are here to do some fun Easter activities with all of you. We’ll start by colouring some boiled eggs while we snack on some chocolate eggs…no? I’m being told no but too late because I already stole a bowl!”, I show the bowl to the camera and can hear Benjamin chuckling next to me.

“Make sure you send your best designs to Bayern’s Twitter and the winner will get a very special price”.

“A date with you? Oh no, you said special. Must be something else”.

I think for a second that I pushed the joke too far and I’ll be told off and that this bit will be edited out of the video, but everyone in the room laughs and I see that as a sign to carry on.

“Most of our audience is probably just here because of you, so a date with you will be a better price”.

“You aren’t lying. But only the luckiest guys get to date me. And if they mess up…”, I exemplify what happens by throwing one of the eggs to the table and squashing it with my fist. “But let’s paint!”

We concentrate on our drawings, not letting the other see what we are doing. But the cameras do move around us getting some angles of our fantastic creations.

“Ok, this is what I did. It’s the Bayern crest…kind of”.

I look at Benjamin’s drawing and it’s actually not bad so I nod.

“I drew you!”

“Really?”, his tone lets me know he doesn’t know whether he should be happy or scared.

“Look!”

When I show the egg to the camera, everyone starts laughing.

“I think it’s uncanny”.

“That’s Shrek”.

“Yeah…uncanny”.

He shakes his head and moves to get one of the chocolate eggs from my bowl. Our arms brush when he does that and I can feel goosebumps forming on them. I wish I could say his presence has no effect on me but…I do find him attractive and our night together was good. Too good. But he’s still an asshole.

“What’s next?”

“Well, you have to try the traditional Easter bread we have so better stop eating so much chocolate”.

“Oh, don’t worry. There’s plenty of room here for bread”, I say, patting my stomach.

“I can help you burn the calories later”, says Benjamin when he walks past me towards the other table.

“In your dreams”.

“Yeah, you’ve been in those once or twice”.

I don’t want to, but I blush at his words. And he loves seeing me like that.

“No witty comeback about having nightmares with me”.

“No, I’ve actually dreamt about you a few times”. “Really?”

“Yeah”, I nod. “And I woke up feeling as disappointed as the day I woke up next to you so…you might have a point. A bit nightmarish”.

One of the ladies from the media team grabs my arm while I’m walking to the table.

“Look, the banter is good and fun. But don’t take it too far and…sort that sexual tension you two have out before you both explode or something”.

“We don’t…”.

“Sure, honey”.

Is that what everyone in the room is thinking? It feels as if all of a sudden I can feel everyone looking at me and wondering about that. Gross.

So I just sit down, determined to not let my feelings towards the guy next to me affect how I behave.

We are asked about the food we eat in our countries during Easter and Benjamin goes on and on (and on) about the French traditions.

“What about you?”

“Um…I don’t care as much about what we eat in my country but I loved the hot cross buns I ate in the UK when I played for Chelsea. I wish I could buy them here”.

“I don’t know what those are”, says Benjamin.

“I’ll show you a photo later”.

My response makes him raise an eyebrow. Am I going to get judged for being bitchy but also for being polite?

I’m still eating some of the bread when we are asked to go do the final activity.

“Ok guys, we’ve hidden some eggs and you need to find them. Whoever gets 6 first wins!”

And if there is something that my partner and I have in common, it’s our competitiveness. So the moment we hear the instructions, we are already moving around the place trying to find the eggs.

“I’ve got 5!”, I yell. “How many have you got?”

“4…but don’t distract me”.

The first few were in pretty obvious spots but they really knew how to hide the rest. Do they want us to be here all day?

I spot another one and run towards it, but so does Benjamin, causing us to bump into each other. And because I’m really that lucky, I fall on my bum.

“You ok?”, he says, kneeling to check on me.

“Just embarrassed and my bum hurts”.

“I could kiss it better if you want to”, he winks.

“You wish you could do that”.

“Yeah, I wish I could”.

When I take the hand he’s offering to help me get up, I stare into his eyes and something happens. I don’t know what but…it is something strange.

“Mine!”

When I finally recover from our weird moment, I realize he took the egg with him, tying us with 5 eggs each. Whoever gets the next one wins.

We keep running around and then I see another egg. But…I’ve looked there so many times already and there was nothing. I look back and see Benjamin still away from me so I get the egg quickly.

“And six! I won!”

“Congrats”, he says, staying where he was.

We are told to do a little outro and then we’re done. Finally.

“He let you win”, says the sound guy who’s taking my mic off.

“What?”

“He saw the egg somewhere else and put it on the floor so you would find it”.

“But why would he…”.

“Maybe because it’s pretty obvious that he likes you”.

I don’t like having so many people around me analysing my relationships with people but…maybe they have a point?

“Hey!”

“Are you talking to me?”, it’s funny how surprised he is.

“Why did you let me win?”

“I didn’t…”.

“Save it, someone told me you did”.

He looks away and takes a deep breath. “I knew it would make you happy”.

“Why do you care about my happiness?”

“Because what happened between us could have been more than a one-night stand and I have been thinking about it ever since. And because I'm not the asshole you think I am”.

He had? I…well, I have thought about it. But then I always remembered his friend and I got over the idea.

“But you won’t give me an opportunity because my friend, that’s no longer a friend, was rude to you”.

“That’s not the reason. The reason is that you didn’t say anything. When he was calling me a golddigger or saying women couldn’t be professional footballers, you were quiet”.

The realisation hits him finally. “Sorry, I should have said something. I mean, I said it when we left. I haven’t seen him ever since”.

That…that changes things. Whether I want to face it right away or not.

“Are you planning on being his friend again?”

“Not when he treats other people like he treated you. I have no time for people like that”.

I nod. “Maybe I could give you a second chance, then. With no alcohol and douchey friends to bother us”.

“Really? When? Now?”

“Relax. I’ll tell you when I’m ready”.

I take my bag and open it to give him his Easter gift.

“Here’s your portrait on an egg. Keep it on your bedside table so it reminds you of me until I decide when you get to woe me”.

With a smile on my face, I walk towards the door that leads to the parking lot. But before I leave, I turn around to look at Benjamin again.

“Stop staring at my ass”.

“Date me already so I can do more than staring”.

#benjamin pavard #benjamin pavard imagine #benjamin pavard one shot #benjamin pavard angst #benjamin pavard fluff #footballer imagine #footballer one shot #footballer angst #footballer fluff

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mysmorgasbordoffantabulosa · 2 years ago

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Hmm what in Taehyung set your gaydar off? I'm a bi woman and idk I don't trust my gaydar at all 😆 what's worse is that i fing it hardest to detect Bis like me 😆 that's why Im asking bc jhope and tae might be bi but idk 🤔 I always get the urge to move jhope in the gay category and tae with the straights. I am always open to the possibility of being wrong but here's my assumption -> Gay - JM & Suga; Bi - jhope & tae; Straight - jk, jin, rm

These are my personal opinions which may not have any basis, so nobody come for my head please, I just wanna discuss 😅

I think because of fan service and skin ship it's sometimes hard to differentiate to potential sexualities, even in a group like BTS where it seems less geared toward queer sensibilities.

Thoughts of the members sexualities...

Hyung line excluding J Hope:

RM - Heteroflexible, I used to flip between thinking he's straight or Bi.

Jin - He's straight, I could also see him as demi-sexual though

Suga - Bi/Pan - he's said as much in lyrics and interviews, but probably leans towards women in general.

Maknae Line & J Hope:

Firstly, Hobi & Jimin...

J Hope - Bi, he initially gave me ACE vibes, but as I got to know him I realised he's probably wasn't comfortable in his sexuality and has grown in confidence.

Jimin - Bi... well first off he's close to Kai and Taemin and friends, who give off the biggest queer vibes in the entire K-Pop community, also he flirts with anything guys and girls in equal measure.

Ok on to Taekook, here are some of the things that make me think why I came to the conclusions I did...

Demi-sexual Gay or possibly Bi with possible gender non-conforming. JK is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle… yes, he dresses masculine a lot, but he constantly wears gender-neutral clothing brands and even said (paraphrasing) fashion has no gender.

He has liked queer singer/songwriters:

His constant plugging of Troye Sivan (even covered "Fools" about young gay love as duest with RM),

Sharing a gay unrequited love song by Years & Years - Memo

The alleged LGBTQ playlists on his official Spotify profile before they disappeared

Adding Trans artist Kim Petras to playlist

Adding Queer singer/songwrite Carlie Hanson to his playlist

As wells as other queer songs to, such as:

Destin Conrad - In the Air

Troye Sivan - Suburbia | Talk Me Down | There for You

Kehlani - You Should be Here | Honey

Kim Petras - Do Me

Let us also not forget his first thought when meeting RM was thighs. Plus he has fascination with guy butts, slapping them or filming them.

His used of the phrase "I'm Still Me" a few months after the release of Love, Simon in South Korea. He used it twice, firstly in a tweet posting some art, then later in the summer package when asked how he's changed, in both case he used the exact English.

His whole partners are family too, thing during the Japanese BBQ Party

The whole golden closet films, with Bert and Ernie inside.

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Overall, whilst he can be masculine, there are times JK is incredibly feminine. JK is queer, he just doesn't broadcast it loudly, just like the others in the group or even in K-Pop in general. So the suspicion is less on him because he only occasionally talks about his interests and likes, that might come across as queer.

Tae

He's probably the only one I can say is definitely gay. He does things that your typical straight man would not do.

Most straight men I know, personally or work with, would not have three gay photographers as their favourites and in the case of Ante Badzim an inspiration. Also, I find it interesting that as a thank-you Ante (who is now a friend with Tae) Tweeted this photo of two naked men in a pool:

Ryan McGinley, a well known photographer, who's photographed tons of celebs, but also posts very gay and very naked gay couples, nudes and sexually explicit suggestive content mostly focusing on the men...

Here are some examples of Ryan McGinley's work:

It should be noted, during a pre-BE album YouTube Live video with Tae, RM and Hobi, RM mentioned Ryan in conversation with Tae regarding the photography for BE's concept and JK, to which Tae became very nervous about, and hinted that that was related to a secret project. Tae has one of Ryan's photo-books, which he photed about, though he had to issue an apology for posting a photo of the book back in 2016. In 2017, Dean (KwonHyuk) posted a screenshot of his conversation with Tae (note the chat was quite innocuous). Tae's chat profile image was of a naked man running a field, the photographer of that images was Ryan: https://www.koreaboo.com/stories/detectives-discover-connection-between-bts-v-and-dean/

Tae also highlights and promotes, queer/gay artists too. He's a big fan of Troye Sivan and has recommended 5 of his songs:

Easy ('Easy' follows the star as he examines a crumbling relationship, begging his lover to give their relationship a second chance.")

Seventeen (he alluded that his song is about losing his virginity to an older man)

What a heavenly way to die (a love song about growing old with his significant other, spending their last days in each other's company)

My My My (is about queer sexual liberation and love with an MV that very gay)

Animal (A beautiful same sex song about being whipped for his man)

Another song he chose to highlight, both in a VLive and in a Bangtan Bomb, was Crazy Beautiful by Austin P Mackenzie:

youtube

Other LGBTQ+ artists/songs he highlighted are:

Conan Gray - The Other Side Sam Smith - Stay With Me ! Lay Me Down Kehlani - Advice ! Piece of Mind ! Dstraction Frank Ocean - Thinkin bout you

It's clear he's a big fan of Leslie Cheung, a deceased gay actor, from Hong Kong. He's some evidence that Tae's a fan:

Happy Together, the first big gay film to come out of Hong Kong, starring Leslie Cheung.

And let us know forget that Taekook used the hand sign that Leslie Cheung did to he's lover Daffy during concerts and a secret way of say I love you:

Side note: JK also did some Leslie Cheung things too:

Taehyung, has highlighted/reference several films with gay centric storylines. They are:

Moonlight - is references in his song 4 O'Clock

Call Me By Your Name - he mentioned it in a VLive with Hobi, referenced it in a Tweet playing the piano to the soundtrack on in Pride Month, and reading the script of the father / son conversation, in full in Korean, about accepting one's sexuality.

The Man I love - In the same VLive with Hobi, he mentioned this French gay film

One of his favourite fashion designers is gay, Alessandro Michele from Gucci:

He likes queer artists, like Alexander Calder and Jean Michel Basquiat:

Conclusion

No straight person I know would highlight this many queer content/artists as their personal favourites. Most gay men I know will gravitate to queer content more and have queer representations in the homes and life. People gravitate to things that resonate with themselves. And if you're queer, that will be queer people and things.

#my asks #taekook #jungkook #taehyung #taekook analysis #bts sexualities

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hopefullystillatheatrestudent · 4 years ago

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The One Where Jensen Ackles Confirmed Cockles in 2016(????) No. Seriously. For real.

this is a DOOZY. strap in folks.

DISCLAIMER: this is chock full of rps. if you are against cockles/jenmish in any way, this post is not for you. however, if you’re like me, ummmmm...

alright. so. we are REALLY in it now, cockles truthers. and make no mistake, i DO NOT want to undersell the significance of what we have found on this glorious day in 2021.

BUT HEY! DISCLAIMER FIRST, THOUGH IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING! do not EVER bring this to jensen and misha’s attention. do not comment disrespectful things on social media. when cons/panels start again, don’t ask them questions about it. ever!!! that’s super weird, for one thing, and for two, they won’t give you the answer you want anyway! so, yeah. just be decent, y’all. let’s continue.

so my dear mutual @green-blue-heller made this post today and i promptly lost my mind. in it, they link this video:

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as far as i can tell, it’s from VegasCon 2016 but was only unprivated on january 24, 2020(dean winchester’s birthday??? wow ok) for some reason, and we have overlooked it until now. to whoever it was that posted it, THANK you for my reason for being and this delayed gratification five years later. anyway, let’s get into it.

right off the bat, those expressions in the thumbnail kind of tell you all you need to know about what we’re venturing into. i have to thank BOTH jensen AND j*red for being ridiculously transparent. i mean...j*red purposefully avoiding eye contact with jensen and looking at the ceiling with his eyebrows raised sky high? jensen hiding his face in his hands, smiling and blushing like a fool, the misha face™ & grin???

so let’s break down what happens with timestamps and everything.

so! i looked up what the question was, i scoured through the entire Vegas Con video, and here it is:

‘My question is for Jensen and Jared. You guys are both happily married, and I noticed that many people had a hard time explaining how they know their significant other is the one. The one they want to spend the rest of their life with, the one that they want to be with, and so, I wanted to ask you guys, how did you know that your current- who you’re with now(audience laughter cuts the rest of the question off and it’s unintelligible)’ ….i’m solidly guessing that the end of that question boils down to ‘was the one’. (....i...uhhhh....have some thoughts on how this question affected jensen, and i will be going into them later.)

Jared: *laughs* Jared, Jensen. When did you first meet your future ex-wives?

*both of them laugh*

Jared: I’m just kidding-I get what you’re trying to say and thank you, um...I, uh, I guess my current wife, uh-

*both laugh again*

Jensen: (sarcastically) Let’s start with her.

Jared: (repeats) Let’s start with her. I, uh, I...you said something kinda, uh, amazing in your question, which is that a lot of people have a tough time or a difficult time explaining to their significant others or to themselves what it is. And I guess I feel that I have no way to possibly explain it to myself or to her... I remember that I had been in a relationship and that I was single and I was like ‘I am not interested in getting in a relationship’ and then she and I went on a date and I was like, ‘I can’t go anywhere else. I’m not interested.’ So, that was kinda what, um, what started it for me *clears throat loudly* Uh. Yeah, I just feel like (searching for words) she makes me a better person-there are a lot of people that make you a better person, and so that’s not enough, I don’t think-or maybe it is, who knows-um...I don’t know, I can’t really...if I could explain, I’d be a poet.

here’s where things start to get interesting. before jared says ‘If I could explain, I’d be a poet,’ Jensen’s face looks like this:

stoic, thoughtful, composed. and then AFTER jared says that his face makes THIS little journey:

go watch it for yourself. this man is ridiculous. in terms of body language? he gazes up and AWAY from jared. it is a private thought, he is not sharing in jared’s joke with him, if at all. it is his own personal musings that make his face LIGHT up like that. this fool looks lovestruck!!! this fool is lovestruck!!!

now, i think it goes without saying, but there is an obvious cockles reason that springs to mind for this reaction. (hint: misha is a poet. that’s it, that’s the reason.) i don’t think jared intentionally said this with misha in mind, but jensen’s thoughts IMMEDIATELY went there. whether or not this is because he was already planning on answering and hinting at his relationship with misha before jared says this, which i think he was-you can certainly see the wheels turning in jensen’s head before this moment-his brain involuntarily makes the connection and it shows in his glowing smile. after that remark...jensen’s gone. he’s whipped. and he HAS to say something about it.

continuing from where we left off:

Jared: ...and I would love to be a poet. (thought it would be fun to mention that at this point Jensen catches what his face did and immediately looks over to Jared and WIPES the expression of his face...but it’s too late, because someone recorded it, i saw it, and now i’m writing about it five years later)

Jared: But uhh…

Jensen: (interrupting) Just tap me when you want me to take over.

i think that jensen is simultaneously joking and is also more than ready to say what he’s been composing in his head diligently for the last thirty or so seconds. he has made up his mind, and is now ready to drop the bomb on us.

*audience laughs, Jared playfully swats at him*

Jared: Uh… *thinks in silence for a bit* It’s really difficult, it’s really difficult. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel loved. Uh...when...I’m in a position where I don’t love myself, I know she loves me, you know, um...she’s just an awesome, awesome lady.

*audience claps*

alright! so in terms of my OWN analysis for what’s happened up until this point, the conclusion i have come to is that there was something in the question that was asked that sets jensen’s mind off about misha, and i think it was the ‘the one’ comment. if we’re putting our cockles goggles on, jensen doesn’t HAVE a ‘the one’. he resents thinking like that. i’m also very intuitive, and i get a sense that jensen is an honest person and can’t really tell a convincing lie. i mean...we all saw that horrible airbnb debacle, right? and his slip up when he accidentally confirms that misha woke up and said ‘i miss (maison)’[which how would you know that unless you were...nvm] and became a stammering mess and had to sit down and cover his face. and that misha is always the one to take the lead when it comes to denying clothes sharing, for instance. jensen has never ONCE attempted to explain that away, because i don’t think anyone would believe him, and i think he’s incapable of doing so because he’s not a dishonest person and can’t lie easily. i’m the same way, so to avoid telling a lie i always speak partial truths, and i’m 99% sure jensen is well versed in this talent as well. oh, also, just to really land my point....we all know how he feels about the finale because he can’t make himself speak well on it. he’ll gush about 15x18 and the PEOPLE BEHIND the finale, but he has not uttered one. positive. word. about the actual finale itself. i mean, we all know what he thinks about it. in his own way, he has made his rage glaringly obvious. and i think he’s doing that exact thing here, where he resents the implication that daneel is the only ‘one’ for him, because that’s simply not true, and he can’t and won’t lie about something like that.

i watched it back again and wrote notes on jensen’s body language as he’s processing the question. here they are:

from 0:13 to 1:21, jensen:

looks down - tenses face - searching eyes, lost in thought - jared’s comment brings him out of it but it takes a second - fidgets, adjusts clothes, looks at jared - bites the inside of his cheeks and moves tongue around his mouth(pacifying gesture) - eyes start wandering away from jared, looks down and tenses face, looks back at jared - then looks away, eyes and mind far from the panel and pondering the question itself - somewhat wistful expression, gears clearly turning in his head, lips pursed, stops reacting to what jared is saying, fingers start fidgeting, eyes have moved downward as he is lost in thought - something shifts in his brain, he looks to the ceiling, fidgets and adjusts his clothing, squints and seems to resolve an inner thought - slightly comes back down to earth with newfound resolution - and then jared’s ‘i would be a poet’ comment happens while he’s coming down from that

i mean, this obviously doesn’t necessarily mean anything huge(yet), all it shows is that this question took a lot of thinking for him. when you compare it to how jared kind of just dove in?

anyway; so then jared’s done, he slaps jensen’s thigh to indicate it’s his turn, jensen makes THAT face you see in the thumbnail, jared’s eyebrows raise, jensen looks down and scratches his forehead, and then makes the statement of a lifetime.

here’s the link for this next part

Jensen: Ummm..I kind of feel like there’s two types of people ..uh..in regards to marriage and the, the one. Uh, it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you. And, I kind of find myself in between both of those(...types of people). And uh, and so, it can be a scary endeavour, and it can, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, um, but I think it’s a, uh, it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey that, uh, if you’re willing to stick it out with one another, can be an amazing, beautiful thing and I’m glad that I picked the partner and the teammate that I have, so.

i’ll give you like a second to recuperate before we dig in.

let’s start with both jared and jensen’s body language first, because it wasn’t even the words that clued me in, it was whatever the hell was going on with jared’s face.

i really wish i could gif, but i can only attempt to convey the SPEED and VIGOUR with which jared snaps his head toward jensen.

these pictures are objectively hilarious because you can see the entire mental journey that jared goes on. he was aloof and kind of relaxed because he was done, it’s jensen’s turn now, he’s surely not gonna out himself with this question right? and then jensen goes ahead and says ‘there are two-’ and jared instantly zones right into jensen with a look of horror on his face, that he tries to contain, but does so unsuccessfully. that is the face of a man who is internally freaking out, thought to himself ‘did he seriously just say...’ and is kind of staring at the culprit in shock and awe.

i know that’s what’s happening, because this is not the first time we’ve seen him react like this to something jensen has said. the classic head whip. a few examples, just off the top of my head:

1. ‘he has, hasn’t he?’

2. ‘he sounds like that in the morning’ ‘how do you know’

3. when he whips his head around when he notices jensen’s face(and instantly understands when he realizes it’s misha)

so yeah, i’m sure you get it by now. jared can’t really keep it off of his face. there’s no real analyzing to be done here...it’s just an obvious tell on his part. there’s no real reason for him to have reacted this way if jensen was saying something inconspicuous, is there? he would have continued to just kind of space out if jensen hadn’t just said something jarringly questionable.

as for jensen’s body language, i can’t really tell where he’s looking from either angle of both videos i’ve seen. sometimes it seems like he’s looking straight at jared, and maybe nods at him once, but he could also(and is most likely) looking at the fan who asked the question. i don’t think there’s anything particularly telling about his body language because i think he rehearsed his answer in his head and also, he’s not shying away because he’s not lying about anything. like...everything he’s saying is true, so he’s not going to have any tells. and it’s the fact that he is TELLING THE TRUTH that is freaking jared out.

now for what he actually says. because oh my god.

right off the bat, he says “i kind of feel like there’s two types of people..” and first off, what? what does that even mean? if you think of it in terms of ‘this is about daneel and only daneel’....isn’t this a realllyyyyy strange thing to start out with? objectively? the question that was asked to him was ‘how did you know they were the one?’ and he goes ‘actually there’s TWO types of people’ ...like, jensen never answers the question at hand.

and then he goes “in regards to marriage and the one”. i hope i’m not the only one who noticed he said the words ‘the one’ in a resentful and kind of degrading tone? seriously, listen to it again. he seems like he’s almost mocking that sentiment. i swear i’m not making it up, it really sounds like that to me.

and then he says “-it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you.” *NON TINHAT VERSION OF EVENTS* what he could mean, i guess, is he was both scared to be with daneel but also knew she was the one for him. which....ok. alright. *TINHAT BACK ON* first off, there’s absolutely no risk with daneel. that’s not a judgement, because i love her; it’s just true. she’s a pretty, talented, amazing woman and they are very much in love. i’m not sure what risks he’s taking there. next up: pretty strange wording then, don’t you think? idk, if it were you, and you wanted to get that point across, wouldn’t you use words like ‘she both scared me and i knew i wanted to be with her at the same time’ and NOT this convoluted mess of ‘there’s two types of people and they are both drastically different but also one and the same’?

SECOND OF ALL, as many people have pointed out.....he never uses pronouns. this is strange. jared does. jared says gen’s name, even. and uses ‘she’ and ‘her’. jensen never once does that, he practically refuses to do so. and yes, i fully believe it is entirely intentional.

because if you look at this phrase from a cockles lens it makes more sense then if you do not.

the one that jensen knows, unequivocally, with the utmost certainty, is the one for him, no doubts, no risks; is daneel. the one that he doesn’t know about, is scared of being with, but is willing to take that leap of faith anyway; is misha. and all of a sudden the puzzle pieces fall into place.

because he goes on to say “I kind of find myself in between both of those.”

he doesn’t say ‘i find myself in between both of those...with her.’ nope. he’s just...in between. caught in the middle. of those two types of people. translation: of those two people. mish. dee.

“And it can be a scary endeavour, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, but I think it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey...”

every single one of those words can be applied to more than one person. think about it. bond(between three people). connection(between three people). friendship(between three people!!!). there’s no ‘partnership’ in here, which does only apply to two people.

lastly, “i’m glad i picked the partner and the teammate that i have.”

ok, look. you can easily say that it’s just one person he’s talking about here! of course you can. but this is jensen ackles we’re talking about. jensen ‘rock and pebble’ ackles. jensen ‘mish. dee.’ ackles. so yes. i definitely think that ‘the partner and the teammate’ fall into this category. and i think daneel is the partner and misha is the teammate.

to put it matter-of-factly: you simply cannot prove that this isn’t about a poly relationship. there is absolutely nothing he says that makes it obvious he is talking about one person here. because he isn’t.

i just feel like, in the simplest terms, if this were about only daneel, that he would not be using these weird phrases that are half-hidden truths. just to compare, i watched another panel where pretty much the exact same question was asked, minus the whole ‘the one’ debacle, and, just as i suspected, it was an entirely different answer. he talks about the moment where he knew he liked her. her, specifically. says the name daneel. gushes about her. there’s no tiptoeing and weird pronoun usage and vague terminology.

tl; dr : i think he answered the question this way because there is no ‘the one’ in his life. and he is physically incapable of leaving misha out when talking about ‘the one’ because he has TWO ‘the ones’. and he wants to answer the question to the best of his best ability, but lying is unnatural to him. he will talk about daneel at length and misha at length, but i honestly to my core don’t think you could make him choose between the two. oh! and we literally had confirmation all the way back in fucking 2016, we just never paid attention until now. so......thanks, jensen?

sorry, this got super long, but i hope i warned you well enough.

#helloooo cockles truthing community #my anxiety is sky-high rn bc this is so damning for them #but i mean i can't feel bad because jensen SAID those things.#anyway am i contributing to cockles lore??? god i hope so #i mean it when i say i am SWEATING #if you think i'm reaching...i know more than you #rps for ts #team dumpster mansion #cockles confirmation #cockles #jenmish #long post for ts #cockles meta #relationship spec #all that jazz #jensenxmisha #mine

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mrdrzezstchkowitzatyourservice · 3 years ago

Text

Well, I’m down with a cold and don’t really have anything better to do, so I’m just gonna pump out a couple Hawaii: Part II posts.

(warning, this is a long one)

Something I’ve had on my mind recently is the Mind Electric, undoubtedly the most popular song in the album. It’s a very interesting part of HP2′s story, and has been interpreted in multiple different ways. I shall present my own ideas on the song’s meaning but also dive deeper into it’s demos, namely Inside the Mind of Simon and Demo 4. Subjects I’ve been looking forward to discussing for quite a while.

Let’s start with the full release version.

The full version of TME has two versions: one for the album, and one for the lyric video. They are the same song, albeit with minor changes. For lyrical analysis, I will be using the album version. Here we go.

It doesn’t take a genius to learn that the first have of this song is played backwards. Though it does slap, there are some interesting things we should notice:

1) A conversation of sorts in the background, between a man and a woman. From the way they voices sound, it seems almost like film footage from an old movie (30s, 40s, or 50s).

2) A sharp ear will catch this right away, while most only notice it once the song plays normally. The word “insane” is the only word spoken forwards in the backward part, and the only word spoken backwards in the forwards part.

About halfway through the song, it begins to play forwards.

“Think of these thoughts as limitless light

exposing, closing, circuitry of fright

think of each moment holding this breath

as death minute in decimal.”

In the first verse, we are opened to the situation. Our protagonist, (who is called Simon in a demo, and I shall refer to him as such) seems to be in some sort of tense situation, as there are described words and phrases such as “fright”, “holding this breath”, and “death.” Simon is certainly somewhere he doesn’t want to be and he’s scared.

“Resident Minor how do you plead

we’ll need your testimony on the stand

solemnly swear to tell the whole truth

so help you son now raise your right hand.”

So. Now we have a defined location: a courtroom. A certain song earlier in the album (Murders) gives you some information as to why he’s there, but if you went in to this song first and completely blind the first time (like me), then it’s a bit confusing. In this verse, the deeper voice, the judge, is asking Simon to prepare to state his case, which is usually done by raising the right hand and swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

“’Father Your Honor, may I explain

my brain has claimed it’s glory over me

I’ve a good heart albeit enasni’

‘Condemn him to the infirmary!’“

In this verse, Simon seems to be trying to escape sentencing by claiming insanity, again I bring up that “insane” is the only word spoken backwards. As we can see, Simon’s plan backfires when the judge finds him guilty sentences him to a mental hospital.

“’All mine towers crumble down

the flowers gasping under rubble

shrieking in the hall of lull

thy genius sates a thirst for trouble.’”

This verse, from Simon’s POV, displays the first part of his “treatment”: electric shock therapy, in which the patient is “healed” by a series of strong electric shocks. This marks the beginning of his descent into insanity, with the first part of the verse seemingly talking about his failing sanity: his sanity falling away and burying his qualities of kindness and innocence under rubble. The other half of the verse as a bit trickier to understand. “Shrieking in the hull of lull” could mean that Simon is suffering nightmares. “thy genius sates a thirst for trouble” could be a lament of how he landed himself in the infirmary. His “genius” thinking he had the judge fooled ultimately getting him sent there.

“‘Shattering sparks of thought energy

deliver me and carry me away’

‘Here in my kingdom, I am your Lord

I order you to cower and praey.’”

Now, this verse seems to suggest that SImon’s caretakers aren’t the most supportive people in the world, and possibly are abusive. Bad doctors only seem to be driving him further into insanity. We also see another reference to electric shock therapy in the first half of the verse, the “deliver me and carry me away” portion possibly referring to the treatment stripping away his sanity.

“’All my nuns were chanting

as the lighting strikes mine temples

thus electrifying mine chambers wholly scorching out thine sovereignty

spiraling down thy majesty

I beg of thee have mercy on me

I was just a boy you see

I plead of thee have sympathy on me.’”

This one, again in a quickened pace, is showing Simon undergoing treatment. It shows the lighting “scorching out thine sovereignty,” possibly meaning that Simon is losing control of his actions. This is backed up by the background voices chanting “HELP ME” “AXON DENDRITE.” In biology, axons and dendrites control impulse. Actions. And again, we have evidence showing abusive doctors, with Simon pleading for their mercy, begging them to stop.

“’See how the serfs work the ground

and they give it all they’ve got

and they give it all they’ve got till they’re down”

Ah, the beginning of the much-beloved serfs part. This part, in my eyes, is Simon talking about the struggles of his fellow inmates at the infirmary, trying their hardest to maintain themselves and preserve their sanity, but ultimately wearing themselves out and losing themselves.

“See how the brain plays around

and you fall inside a hole you couldn’t see

and you fall inside a hole-

inside a-

someone help me

understand what’s going on inside my mind

doctor I can’t tell if I’m not me!’”

This song marks the point where Simon fully, truly, goes insane. The “hole” he falls in that he couldn’t see being that pitch-black pit of loss of mind. He’s worried about himself. He expresses these worries to his doctor, who, in the lyric video version, replies with a distorted-sounding “Not you, huh?” which shows that Simon knows he is insane and is asking for help, but the doctors just don’t care.

“‘When it grows bright the particles start to

marvel how they made it through the night

never they ponder, whether electric

calming if you look at it right.’”

In the last verse, we can see the effects of Simon’s insanity. The first words of the verse seem to reference the start of a new day. Perhaps the particles mentioned are Simon’s last few shreds of humanity, marveling how they’ve continued to exist. The last two lines seem to show that Simon has just stopped caring. The electric shock therapy doesn’t scare him anymore. If anything, the last line seems to say that he accepts it, seeing it through a new view as something meant to help him.

Well, that was the Mind Electric. Now the demos.

Let’s kick off with Inside the Mind of Simon, the demo that pretty much laid the groundwork for the Mind Electric. It follows the same lyrics as the ones we just followed above, with a few lines having been changed. Let’s have a look at them, shall we?

The first thing we notice as being different is the “think of these thoughts as limitless light” verse is absent, with us instead being launched into the drama, a la Simon is asked to prepare his testimony.

“‘Resident Simon, how do you plead

we’ll need your testimony on the stand

solemnly swear to summon your story

tell the truth and raise your right hand.’”

As we can see, in this one, Simon is referred to by name. The judge’s phrasing of asking Simon to give his testimony is also different

“‘Resident Marvin, let me explain

my brain has claimed its glory over me

I’ve a good heart I may be insane

please mend my mind and let me go free.’”

Now this part was interesting, because while in the full version Simon tries to trick the judge by pleading insanity, he seems to mean it for real here. He actually thinks something is wrong with him, and asks them to fix him.

“‘All my towers crumble down

the flowers gasping under rubble

shouting in the hall of lull

my demons quench my thirst for trouble’”

This first mostly stayed the same in the official release, except for the last line. Perhaps it may symbolize that the looming threat of facing the consequences of his actions keeps him from doing bad things. It could also all the same be referring to his doctors as the demons, reprimanding him every time he does something troublesome.

The next verse, the “Lord” verse, was not changed in the official release, but the verse after it was. It was the last verse to be changed for the final version.

“‘All my monks were chanting as

the lighting struck my temples

and electric shocks destructed places

said they read it on my face’”

We can see from this verse that “monks” were later changed to “nuns” in the full version. The last two lines of this verse are the most intriguing. The “places” being destroyed inside his head could be another reference to the towers mentioned in the first “electric shock verse.” The last line could be saying that the doctors are putting him up to the treatment because they saw that he was mad and decided to fix it.

The rest of the song was unchanged for the final release.

The last base I want to hit is Demo 4. This is definitely one of my favorite demos. I like it because of the glaring detail that sets it aside from the other demos: Labyrinth.

In Hawaii: Part II, Labyrinth in the name of the absolute bop of a rap song that follows up TME. But they used to be the same song. This is referenced in the full release version of TME, when, in the serfs portion, when “see how the brain plays around” is sung, the chorus of Labyrinth is whistled in the background.

But Demo 4′s Labyrinth is not HP2′s Labyrinth. It’s Labyrinth if it got infected by TME. Let’s take a look it.

We start with the serfs portion, which sounds... almost distressed, only at the end of it, when we expect to hear “When it grows bright-) the piano kicks in and we hear this:

“‘See how I laugh at you

you’ll never understand

no you’ll never understand

oh you’ll never, ever, ever, understand

see how I run from you

I’ll never understand

no I’ll never understand

oh I’ll never, ever, ever, understand’”

(Loud demonic shriek)

What we get here is indeed the tune of Labyrinth, only slowed down, sinister-sounding, and has an effect that almost seems like it’s decaying. This, it seems, is the true face of Simon’s insanity. What we get in the first part is, more or less, what seems like Simon taunting his caretakers, saying that they’ll never understand him. The second half is when they get angry at him, so he flees. The next part has two possible meanings:

1) “I’ll never understand” in the form of a lament. He’ll never understand himself or his actions and will thus have to face the consequences for things he did outside of his own control

2) “I’ll never understand” in the form of a tease, that no matter how hard his caretakers try, they’ll never be able to keep him in line, or follow their rules.

Immediately following the Labyrinth section of the demo is a loud, static-y, distorted and demonic shriek which could either be him crying out in pain or screaming as a result of pure madness.

That concludes Demo 4 and my review. I’m sorry it was so long haha. What do you think of my theories? Do you have any additions? If so, feel free to point them out or add on!

#the mind electric #hawaii: part ii #hpii #hawaii part 2 #miracle musical #tally hall #music #lyrical analysis #long post

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snowboiwinwin · 4 years ago

Note

Hello! If it's okay, can I ask for a "Day6 as boyfriends" post?? Thank you and take care 😘😘

Thank you very much for requesting! Hope you’re well and enjoy this little something I came up with 😘🥰

--------------------------------------------

Sungjin:

I honestly love this guy

he isn’t one to seek attention or one to speak up

but i feel like he truly cares and loves with his whole heart

he may seem a little cold on the outside but he is such a sweetheart

so please do not expect him to be huge into PDA

he might have an arm around your waist if you’re in crowded places but other than that? nothing

around the boys he is also distanced

his reputation as leader could be at risk

but when the boys tease him of how cold he acts, he sulks and defends himself but then smooches your face

just to prove a point, not because he is absolutely in love with you, lol

dates with him are always super laid back

a nice dinner at home, movies and snacks

not much but exactly how you like it

Sungjin might be distanced by day but by night he NEEDS your affection and touch

please hold him while sleeping, play with his hair and just love him

i also get the vibes from him that he is quite insecure

he might seem confident but he needs quite a lot of reassurance

just please love him and make him feel like the king he is

“Did you know, that you are the man of my dreams? Like seriously, there is no one else that has ever made me feel this way. I love you handsome, I truly do.”

*blushes hardcore and slightly slaps you shoulder* Ahhhh stop it! You make me feel all mushy and soft.... but I love you too and I’m a very lucky man to be able to call you mine.”

“Look at you, being a bluhsing mess... declaring your love for me. Cute.”

“I’m not cute, I am sexy. Now please shut up and focus on the movie.”

Jae:

dude, Jae literally screams boyfriend material

he would be an amazing byofriend

not too lovey dovey and he will roast your ass whenever there is an opportunity to do so

while Sungjin will give you cute nicknames like “love” and “babe”, Jae will just call you “dude”, “bro”, or “buddy”

but to be honest? that’s why a relationship with him would be so chill and refreshing, it’s different - in a good way

Jae is a sleepy boyfriend, so PDA is a regular occurence

he always holds you somehow

either your hands, or his body flung over yours

he is not too much into public kisses though

maybe he will kiss your cheek or your hand but that’s it

dates with him will be so fun as well

you guys will usually just play video games together

and even if you are not that much into gaming, you will be when you’re with Jae

sometimes, when you’re too tired, he will play and have you in his lap

nothing is more relaxing than leaning against him while he talks in his calm, deep and soothing voice

although he is a fun guy, he is super loving

he will brush your hair for you, tell you he loves you 90 times a day and he will constantly remind you of how beautiful you are

i feel like Jae also struggles with his confidence from time to time, so he knows how important reassurance is!

please make sure to remind him that you love him and that he is more than just enough!

“Dude, don’t look at yourself like that! You look like an absolute goddess! And I’m not just saying this because I’m whipped for you but because you truly are a blessing to my eyes. If someone dares to say otherwise, they obviously have never seen your sexy ass and need to get their eyes fixed. Sheesh, I really got lucky.”

“Oh Jae, I love you.”

“I love you too, sexy beast.”

“Please... you’re ruining the mood.”

Young K:

oh please, he is an awkward baby

super loving and so head over heels in love with you

but SO awkward

he is always a bit torn between being the lovey dovey boyfriend and being a badass guy

the boys tease him constantly, even worse than Sungjin

so sometimes you will get showered with kisses and physical touch

other times he will treat you like one of his brothers

which is fine by you, as long as you get to spend time with Brian

btw, you also tend to call him Brian, which he loves

it makes him feel like a kid in love

i mean he is in love and sometimes a kid - but you know what I mean

PDA is as I said, something he isn’t always too fond of but sometimes he loves it and will show everyone that you’re his

weirdly enough, Young K is obssessed with your butt

when you guys are cuddling

he tends to lay his head on your butt and just relax there

butt massages are also a thing

he loves you, a lot

no doubt

dates with him are always a surprise

one day you guys will just chill, maybe write songs in the studio

and on other days you will do something more active

like hiking, going to the arcade or just simply taking walks in nearby parks

he is a pretty confident guy and rarely gets jealous

so he does expect you to be the same

he wants you to feel confident cause he only loves you

there’s no doubt he would ever want anyone else

so when you get jealous, he will take it very personal

he loves you so much and you think he might be interessted in someone else?

“Babe, listen. I find this accusation very offensive. I love you so much, you are the only woman for me. Why would I be looking for someone else, when I have you? Aka everything I will ever need? Don’t let other peoples stares make you feel insecure. The only thing that matters is us.”

“I’m sorry Brian. It’s just... you could have anyone. Yet you chose me.”

“Because all I want is YOU. There’s no one else, you are my person! I love you.”

Wonpil:

omg he is literally the cutest

but probably also quite savage

idk i just find him extremely funny

i think he is more on the shy side

he isn’t too overly affectionate

so please do not expect him to show any type of PDA

not in public and not with the boys

you will get treated like another member

this might be hard sometimes

especially if you are super affectionate (like me)

but he will make sure to make you feel loved to cease all your doubts

actions speak louder than words

definitely something he lives by, no doubt

he will spoil you with nice and romantic dates

omg for dates he will go all out

he will cook, decorate the house with rose petals, light candles

the whole shabang

another thing i believe to be true is that he will treat you in a super gentle and respectful way (all the boys will, but just saying)

i think Wonpil is the type of boyfriend that will constantly ask for permission, no matter what he does and no matter how long you’ve been dating

he is way too scared to do something you will not be comfortable or okay with, so he will always make sure you are absolutely fine with everything he does

“baby? can I kiss you?”

“Wonpil, we’ve been dating for how long? 2 years? Yes, you can absolutely kiss me, no need to ask!”

“but what if you don’t want me to kiss you? and i just put my lips onto yours? I don’t want to force you.”

“Dude, as long as I am dating you, i want to kiss you 24/7! even when i’m mad, i will always crave your kisses.”

“Don’t dude me! You’re spending too much time with Jae... now please let me kiss you. Thank you.”

ugh I just love this guy

he is so cute and beautiful

and his vocals... imagine him singing you to sleep

i gotta go cry my eyes out now, cause I will never find myself a Wonpil 😭

Dowoon:

last but not least, our maknae!

he is literally so sweet and HILARIOUS

the vlog where the attempts to talk in English?

duuuude I died

so I feel like, althouhg he tends to be an awkward bean too, he will constantly make you laugh

he will make a fool of himself, diss the others, talk in English...

anything to make his baby happy!

he will also shower you with aegyo

i just feel it haha

PDA is also a no no for him, he rather saves all the love and affection for when you’re both at home

with affection i mean cuddles 24/7 in bed, kisses (even with morning breath cause nothing stops Dowoon’s love for you) and loads of head massages

ugh he is a sucker for head scratches

i can slo see him trying to teach you how to play the drums

he will even take days off, just to be able to teach you

let me tell you, he ADORES you

please do not play him

you mean the world to him and he appreciates you sticking with him throughout his crazy and hectic life

there will be moments where he just stares at you with literal heart eyes

he finds it hard to believe that he got this lucky

and please, do not ever try to make him jealous...

he will be the poutiest baby EVER

*pouts and waits for you to ask him what’s wrong*

*but you ignore him, so he starts making weird sounds*

“what? you big baby.”

“I’m hurt by you.”

“I’m so sorry that I breathe the same air as Jackson Wang. I will suffocate the next time he is close to me.”

“THANK YOU! it would be very much appreciated.”

#day6 #scenario #headcanon #sungjin #jae #young k #wonpil #dowoon #kpop

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criminalminds4days · 4 years ago

Text

Family Matters | Chapter 10: Believer

Hello everyone!

I apologize for my lack of posting. I have barely survived midterms and I have found myself with a writers block once more. I am hopefully going to be able to give myself a little break between the end of the semester and after finals and the beginning of my summer courses. Thankfully I only have 2 summer classes so hopefully that will make it easier to post.

I have some announcements coming up soon and I will hopefully finish writing the missing chapters for this story and only have to post and edit. So far, I have not been able to edit anymore so I apologize for any grammatical error.

I really hope you are enjoying reading the story because I had a really great time writing it. Hope you have a great weekend!

I apologize for constant flashbacks but they are important to the plot, I promise!

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references, violence and murder references, public embarrassment, and very bad jokes!

Word Count: 4k

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tag list: @mcntsee @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @evelyncade @haylaansmi @paulaern @myfandomlife-blog

*************************************************

(This gif is not mine)

Chapter 10: Believer

"Very well, this seems like a good start." She said as she finished reading his confession. She moved towards the camera and turned it off, signaling that she would be taking the paper and would adhere to her part of the deal.

"What is she doing?" Spencer whispered to Emily. "Without a video confession, the written one can be considered coerced. We would be back at square one."

"There is the surveillance camera, genius."

"Of course she has a backup plan." He looked at the black camera, smiling at the knowledge.

"Now tell me, who left you, was it, mom or dad?"

"My dad." She readjusted in her seat. "How many victims did you kill total. We've found five, but it seems to me that is a low number for someone as angry as you."

"Fifteen, some of them are lost in the desert, some are by the arches, they should be found fairly soon." He shrugged and continued to look at her. "Why did he leave?"

"My mother got pregnant when she was young. It was a mistake, they didn't love each other. They married because of me, so it was only a matter of time before they broke, and break they did." She fought the urge to look back, hoping that nobody aside from Hotch would review the security tape. "Did you kill your father?"

"First one. He's in the arches, his favorite place in the world."

"Did your mom not accept his apology?"

"Well, he didn't really apologize until I had a gun to his head, but my mother was always kind, so she forgave him."

"Why did you kill him then?"

"I didn't forgive him." He winked at her. "Did you look for him?"

"I did."

"And?"

"That's your fourth question."

"I don't care, I want to know."

"He is dead. As dead as can be." She said out loud for the first time. "I hired a private investigator and found he crashed his car two years after he left us."

"Karma is a bitch."

"Why keep killing if you got rid of him?"

"For the same reason, you joined the FBI." He smiled at her, "to show my dad that he wasn't gonna dictate my life. That I was not going to let him be my end goal."

"It seems to me he is. You tracked him down, killed him. For some that might be enough. But you never got closure so you decided to pray on people who made mistakes. Where did you find them?"

"I worked at a counselors office."

"Well, that is rather obvious now. Maybe you should have gotten some help yourself." She stood, ready to leave the room, "hope you enjoy prison." She turned to exit the room.

"My final question, if you had found him, what would you have said?"

"I don't know." She responded.

"Bullshit."

"Well, I couldn't ask him why he left because I already know that, so I don't really know what I would have said." She turned to him, "what did you tell him?"

"I told him trousers weren't his thing." He stood, the handcuffs falling from his hands as his smile grew wider. "You should really be more careful with what you leave laying here, doctor."She reached for her gun but everything happened so fast she had no time to fire it. He seemed to run into the wall, only this one was not as hard as it seemed and a giant chunk collapsed as he made his way through, and just like that he had exited the station. Prentiss and Reid rushed in and through the now giant hole in the station but the man was nowhere to be found. Lucas Heavensbee had just vanished on her watch.

"Fuck!" She yelled and made her way to the office, the team was now making their way to the interrogation room but stopped in their tracks as they saw her approach. "I need access to the security cameras, now." She moved towards the security office and asked for the feed of the last couple of weeks to be played, there she found there were about three days missing. "He planned this, and someone helped him. He knew exactly what he was doing. That bastard played us!" She rushed out and into an SUV, driving directly to his house that was now under surveillance. She looked around, looking for anything that would indicate he had been there. It was fast to spot it, he had managed to slide through the police cars and left a note for her.

I just wanted to make sure you knew this had nothing to do with you doctor, but I simply can't let my father win. I am sure we will hear from each other, and then we can converse from one orphan to another. Until then.

She was ready to show the note to them, as Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reid made their way through the house. The note was still crumpled in her hand, but as the local police entered she decided against it. The two agents were the best people she had ever met, she knew it since the moment she joined the FBI, and she knew they were trying to make her feel better about the whole situation, but there were some things she couldn't get past. This man had killed fifteen people and kidnapped so many more and he had slipped right through her fingers. He had made a fool of her, and she would be damned if she didn't catch him. Telling Emily and Spencer would worry them, and they would be on her case about it becoming an obsession, just like she had done after their first case.

One year ago (I think?)

Her leg bounced as she drove with the social worker and two of her co-workers. This was her first big assignment, and she wasn't sure she would measure up. It was also important to note that while Emily and she tended to get along well, Spencer and she hadn't spoken almost at all since the sweater incident.

"Should I introduce you as FBI agents?"

"No, I think it's best if we come as social workers, there is less hostility." Prentiss' said as she gave both Reid and her their fake badges. She placed her FBI ID inside her bag and took a deep breath, it was a simple mission, they would be in and out.

Never, and I mean never, say something will be easy, as this almost assures you that is not the case. The social worker, whose name was Daisy, had been shot and was now dead. They had become trapped in the middle of a war between the cult leaders and the local police. It's as if the universe wished to remind her just how much bad luck she could have.

She heard them talking to the FBI, and food had been delivered so she assumed they had implanted microphones. Now they had to find a way to communicate with them and let them know what they had concluded.

"Which one of you is it?" The man said as he pointed a gun at them.

"Are we playing tag?" She asked stupidly, earning a glare from her partners.

"Do you think this is a joke? Which one of you is the FBI agent?" She turned to look at the woman and man, trying her hardest not to freak out.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer asked, clearly nervous.

"I will ask you one more time, and if none of you tell me I will not hesitate to shoot all three of you. Which one is the FBI agent?"

She saw Emily stir and knew she had to act fast if she wanted to save her. "I am." She said before either of them could stop her. "I'm the FBI agent. Though I'm fairly new so I don't really have that many secrets to tell. I was barely cleared to be on the field. If you really think about it, I'm not very helpful, so I think maybe if you let it slide I could-" she felt a fist connect with her right cheekbone, silencing her.

"Take her to the back." He instructed one of the men. She gave one last reassuring glance to her teammates, hoping this wouldn't be the last time she saw them.

After what seemed like an eternity of silence, the door to the room she was in opened and Ben came in. You would think that having a name like Benjamin wouldn't exactly command respect, but she wasn't one to judge cults.

"Why are you here?"

"Because you told your men to lock me here." He slapped her across the face.

"Who sent you?"

"My boss?" Her response was received with another slap.

"Do you think this is a joke?"

"I think that you need to feel powerful because a part of you knows you're not enough." She spoke hoping her team could hear part of their discovery, even if she was receiving punches from the man as she continued. "You think you can get away with stuff because you prayed on the week, but deep down you know that there are people here who could stand up to you, and if they did you would be done for." She felt a warm liquid fall from her lips as he continued to beat her. "I know you pray on young girls. You're nothing more than a pedophile that uses the bible as a way to manipulate women to give their children to you." As she fell he started kicking her and she tried to avoid making noise, but the pain was too much. "This is nothing, I've dealt with worse." She spoke, hoping they would understand. "I've dealt with much worse, this is nothing."

"Who do you think you are?!" The man said, enraged at her defiance.

"Nobody, just the one person that knows you better than you know yourself." That earned her the hardest hit, and she knew she wouldn't be conscious for much longer, she had to let them know. "Your suicide won't work, there are people that are skeptical and you know it. This isn't about God, or even your preferences, this is about you Ben, and how you are so terrified to go back to prison you are willing to kill your followers to avoid it, because you know they would see right through your act, you are nothing but a coward." The last kick took place and the man left the room. "Don't change the plan, I'm okay." She whispered, hoping they could hear her, wishing that even if she died right then and there, they could save the people trapped in this church.

When she woke, a woman was there tending her wounds. "Be careful, I think you might have some broken ribs."

"Don't tell Ben, he might come and finish me off" she joked, but the woman gave her a pointed look as if letting her know that was a possibility. "How long have I been unconscious?"

"I don't know, maybe a couple of hours. They will come and get you for the ceremony, use you as an example."

"That's okay, I've always wanted to be one of those."

"This is not a joke girl, he's dangerous."

"I know. The trick is to have nothing to lose."

"Well, I have a daughter."

"Ben's wife, right?" The woman flinched at the mention. "You're not okay with that, are you?" And then, the pieces of the puzzle fit together. "You made the call, didn't you?" Before the woman could confirm her suspicion, a man entered and pulled her up, not worrying if her body ached, and took her to the church. She used the door frame to help her stabilize herself and took in the sight before her. It was still light, but with the time she lost she couldn't be sure how much time they actually had left. Emily and her locked eyes and she approached, her eyes full of worry, but her facial expression was one of pure anger and hatred. "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you hate me?"

"How could you lie to us?" She asked, and as the men made their way to the front, her tone didn't change, but her questions did. "Are you crazy? Why would you do such a stupid thing? They could have killed you."

"I know, but it was either me or all three of us. Besides, I'm fine. We need you and Reid on the inside."

"This is reckless behavior."

"I know, but you were about to do the same."

"I have experience."

"Exactly, I can be a scapegoat."

"You are the most stubborn person I have ever met."

"I know, it's a gift. Now listen, I think there are mics, in the food, and if I'm right, I think I have been able to feed some information to the team, but we need to figure out when this massive suicide will take place."

Emily nodded and gave her an apologetic look before shoving her harshly. She fought the urge not to wince but it was almost impossible with her broken ribs. "You are a disgrace to this country, and I hope whoever you work for knows that they will not get away with it."

Ben looked over and stared at her, and despite her pain and the fear of another beating, she stared him down, letting him know that he would not get the best of her. She was gonna save as many people as possible and he could suck it. He was just another man who thought they were invisible because they weren't afraid to beat you up.

Spencer observed the interaction and the defiance she had amazed him. Despite the bruises and the swelling of her eye, not once did she lower her gaze or show any sign of weakness. Never in his life had he felt so attracted to someone as he did right then and there, but now was not the time to daydream of your coworkers, especially when they could be on the verge of dying.

As the day progressed, she continued to look for ways to tell the team, finally resorting to using the window to write a message. When she was younger she used to huff into a window to create fog and used it to write, so she did the same, letting the team know she could possibly convince some people to exit and they could come in after.

"What are you doing?" The woman from earlier spoke as she entered the room.

"If I'm gonna die, I might as well go doing something I like. Fog drawings." She said and covered her work. "Listen, don't ask me how I know this, but the FBI might strike tonight and if they do, he's not gonna cooperate, we need to get as many people as possible out."

"No, I can't do that."

"Please, I know you're scared, I'm terrified right now. I might have peed my pants earlier today, but that's not the point. The point is we need to save as many people as possible. Please help me get them out." Through the window she saw a figure, holding three fingers up. She nodded and turned back to the woman.

"Three a.m.?"

"You saw him too?"

"Yeah, one would think the FBI would be a little more discrete."

"We have our moments. Now please, make sure to get everyone out before then." The woman sighed and nodded, agreeing to the plan. "And one more thing, the people I came with, how are they?"

"Are they also agents?"

"No, of course not. I just dragged them into this and feel responsible for them. They are good people."

"The man seems to be fascinated by Ben, and vice versa. The woman keeps pacing around as if hoping for enlightenment. She has talked to some people though."

"Okay good. Please make sure to get them out too." After she left and closed the door, the woman sat down, her injuries making it hard to breathe. "I don't know where I am, or how to get out, but that will not change the plans okay? I need to make sure all these people are safe."

She wished she could hear someone ensuring her that would be the case, but there was no answer. She felt herself get dizzy and knew there was definitely internal damage that would take time to heal. Turns out her mother was wrong, money couldn't get you out of everything. It felt like an eternity, but she knew the time was approaching. She saw and more and more dark figures gathered around the church. She even caught a glimpse of Derek, who seemed to be looking around, as if hoping he could find her. She huffed one last time and wrote a message to him.

The door opened and nobody came in. She knew what it meant, so she gathered her remaining strength and walked out. Everything was dark and she could hear Spencer's voice coming from the main room. She followed it and stopped as she noticed him trying to talk a man down from placing explosives. She cursed under her breath. She stepped forward only to be pulled back by someone.

"Don't even think about it." The man said.

"Derek, we need to help him."

"I know, I'll go, join the rest. Everyone is already out."

"But-"

"Go!" She began walking out before it all happened. Reid ran towards them and Derek pulled the both of them to the nearest and hopefully safest area before a sharp pain on her head made her vision blurry and soon after she lost consciousness.

"I think she will appreciate it if you showered." She heard someone say, once she finally regained consciousness.

"Well, then she can tell me that herself." Another voice responded.

"Emily, you and Spencer have been here for a week. You need to go to the hotel and rest. At least the kid has been using the shower."

"I am not leaving until she wakes up. That includes leaving to bathe."

"Neither am I." A third voice added to the mix. "Though I can't say the same thing about avoiding water."

"How am I supposed to leave if I can't trust the two of you to take care of yourselves?"

"Easy, your flight leaves in less than an hour and you are still here. Unless you want to be paying fees you will get out of here."

There was a sigh of resignation before the voice spoke once more. "Reid, you're in charge until she wakes up. Then she's in charge."

"You're gonna put the one of us that was hit in the head 'in charge'? What does that even mean?" The female voice complained.

"I have made my decision. Maybe if you showered, things would be different." The voice faded, and the steps of the person became less clear, so she assumed the person was leaving.

"I think Morgan is right, you should take a shower."

"Don't make me hurt you, Reid."

"It was just a suggestion."

She didn't want to interrupt their banter, but her urge to sneeze was bigger, so she let her body do its thing. Though it is important to let you know that sneezing with broken ribs is horrible.

"She's awake!" Emily screamed and launched herself onto the bed. She started crying from pain after the action. "You're so happy you're crying!"

"Prentiss, that might be because you just jumped on her ribs." The man clarified as he stood, placing his hand on hers. The feeling was foreign, but she could let it slide once.

"I am so sorry! But I am so happy you're awake."

"What happened?"

"After the explosion, you hit your head, and because you already had injuries your body gave out, exhausted. Thankfully the ambulance was already there and we could rush you to the hospital. You've been sleeping for a good week." He explained.

"Well, then I don't get a lazy day for another three months." She joked and the two joined her. "How are the believers?"

"They're all safe and accounted for. Sadly we lost Ben's wife."

"Does her mom know?"

"Yes, but she wanted me to tell you she doesn't blame you and hopes you do get better." There was a moment of silence, as she processed the message, as well as her guilt.

"And I want you to know I ate your Jell-O." This caused her to laugh again. No matter how painful it felt, she was glad to be alive.

"Remind me to never get stuck in a hospital under the care of Spencer Reid. He'll eat my Jell-O."

"Let's make it a no trip to the hospital policy."

"Do I need to remind you where we work?" The woman shook her head, and both of them looked at her with a heartwarming smile. "I hate to break this moment, but please go shower, Prentiss."

"Ugh, fine." She placed a kiss on her forehead and moved out. "Reid, if anything happens, call me. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Got it."

She walked out and the two remained silent for a couple of minutes. Their hands were still together and she squeezed it to get his attention. "How are you doing? I wasn't the only one that got caught in the blast."

"I'm good. Morgan and I barely had a scratch, they cleared us that same day."

"That's good. What about the rest of the team?"

"They are all good. They wanted to stay but they had another case, Hotch said your family was out of reach so Emily and I refused to leave. Morgan also stayed behind but they called him up today, without three agents they needed all the help they could get."

"You guys didn't need to stay." She assured him. His grip on her hand tightened, enough to let her know he wasn't letting go, but not enough to hurt her.

"You could've died. Because of me."

"That's not true and you know it."

"I should've said I was the agent."

"We both know the reason he didn't kill me was that I'm a woman. You wouldn't have been so lucky."

"Still."

"Reid, listen to me. This is not your fault, and this is not Emily's fault either. I knew what I was getting into, and I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"You are one stubborn woman."

"I know." She smiled at him, "now please go find me some Jell-O."

He laughed, but nodded, letting go of her hand. Just before he exited the room he turned and gave her the most endearing look she had ever seen, "thank you, for saving our lives. I'll never forget that."

"Good, that way I can ask for favors at any time." They both chuckled and he left the room hunting for the dessert.

The reality in her brain, however, was not as calm as she portrayed. For months she had obsessed over what she had done wrong, and she had spent sleepless nights thanks to her recurring nightmare, in which Ben didn't hesitate to pull the trigger, and as she watched Spencer and Emily's bodies lie in a pool of blood. This alone was enough to make her train and perfect her skills, to the point of complete exhaustion. She wasn't going to fail, not again.

That was until Lucas Heavensbee had brought her right back to her dark hole.

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer x y/n #Criminal Minds #CM #fanfic

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faemytho · 4 years ago

Note

I’m not really in the hazbin hotel fandom ((I love the show don’t get me wrong I’m just not in the fandom)) but I kinda wanna see what you mean? Also I figure you’re still okay with people shipping him just either the fact that people ignore that canonical he is aroace sex repulsed or use it as a “oh we just have to fix him” trope (which fuck that trope)

Same asker that admitted to not really being in the hazbin hotel fandom but liking the show- thought it over and i actually don’t know how you could do Alstser (can’t spell bare with me) without having him as aroace sex repulsed without having him look barely anything like the original- maybe apart from that fic you made a while back

okay so, in regards to this post i made earlier about aroace romantic/sex repulsed alastor, that was a headcanon. (i said, and i quote, its canon bc i said so, but in reality ive fooled u all it was just a headcanon i even said so in the tags)

my headcanons aside, alastor IS canonically ace, as referenced by this tweet below (and hey, canon bi character!!! we love that!!)

there is also a footnote on the HH wiki that says alastor is aromantic as well, but the footnote links to a four hour stream video, and i do not actually have the patience to comb through it to see if that's true or not (or if it even came from the mouth of vivzie)

uh, yeah. here's the link to the stream, in case anyone wanted it/was curious.

canonicities aside, lets get one thing out of the way:

i am all for ignoring canon, using fandom to do whatever you want, ect ect, all power to the fans and whatnot, do what you want and be free because its fiction

which means, yes, i am 1000% okay with people shipping alastor with whoever they want! with angel, with charlie, with husk, with vaggie, with nifty, ect ect ect, i don't care, ship what you want, be free, live your best life.

my problem, though, is this: literally nobody in this fandom knows how to write an ace character. and when they do write him as "ace", its OFFENSIVE.

i cannot COUNT the amount of alastor fics ive read where he's supposedly written as asexual (and its usually even tagged in the fic tags, "asexual character"), then ends up sexually attracted to his given partner for that fic, and when they actually go to do the deed, alastor is infantilized to, well, hell and back. and by that, i mean a few things.

he either:

doesn't understand his sudden sexual attraction and/or sexual feelings

doesn't understand what's going on during the sex scene

doesn't know the proper terms for body parts and sexual processes

is HIGHLY feminized and is categorized as "submissive" while the partner becomes the "dominant" and continues on with the sex scene

not only is that fourth one misogynistic and homophobic (an entire other can of worms about how feminine sub/masculine dom in homosexual relationships enforces toxic heteronormativity, aka, the idea that one must "be the girl" and one must "be the man"), but all four of these together are aphobic when you realize, "hey, alastor is an ace character".

off my point a little bit, but ANY relationship (gay, straight, and/or otherwise) should not be using sub/dom as a model to follow - sub/dom is a BDSM kink thing; it should NOT be the normalized sex model for ANY relationship.

there's nothing wrong with kink! but doing BDSM wrong can severely hurt/mentally damage either partner if done incorrectly. normalizing it means that so many young people don't actually understand what sub/dom actually means, and even less the consequences if done wrong.

but back to my point: asexual people get infantilized. and we get infantilized often, because people think "oh, you're not interested in sex/you've never had sex, so you must not 1) know anything about it, 2) know anything about the real world and how nitty gritty it is to survive out here"

basically, ace people get treated like children. a lot.

here is a fantastic article that explains the rampant infantilization of both aro and ace people, and why it is aphobic to do that.

i highly recommend you all read the article, because it is fantastically well written and concise. here's my favorite paragraph:

"Society conditions us to believe that a lack of romantic or sexual attraction is a transitory period. This viewpoint assumes an inevitable progression from a nonsexual to sexual state of being that marks entry into adulthood. Similarly, engaging in romantic relationships is recognized as a milestone of maturity. This stereotyping results in the infantilization of all aromantic and asexual spectra people, especially those who are entirely romance and/or sex-averse. It also incorrectly characterizes asexual people as sex-negative, even though personal sex-aversion and general sex positivity are not mutually exclusive. Moreover, the idea of “being ready” to progress from friendships to romantic and sexual relations undermines the value of platonic relationships, which are integral to our community."

i'm going to move on to one more point, because i know if i don't, i'll get SO many alastor allo-pologist authors whining and screaming about how ace people can have sex too

and yes, here's the thing: asexual people can have sex, can want to have sex, can be sex positive... but that doesn't change the fact that to be not-asexual (or allosexual, if you'd like to use proper terms), you have to be sexually attracted or experience sexual attraction - WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING A LIBIDO, AND ITS NOT SOMETHING ACE PEOPLE CAN DO/HAVE.

what ace people can have:

a libido

sex

sexual arousal

sex drive

kinks

a partner they're not necessarily sexually attracted to, but trust to have sex with them anyways

what ace people can't have (unless they're not actually ace and are instead allosexual):

sexual attraction to someone

wanting to have sex with a specific person because of this attraction (a partner, celebrity, people they find explicitly attractive)

still confused? don't be!

here's a post where i better explain the difference between sexual attraction vs sexual drive and what that means for ace people

to close this out, im going to attempt to summarize why im so pissed about this.

alastor is canonically asexual.

he may be sex negative, sex neutral, or sex positive; we don't know, but this is fandom and we're allowed to headcanon him however we wish - we can even headcanon him as not asexual!

which is great, yea, but when the ace character is the fan favorite...

people constantly and consistently write alastor as "ace".

which would be GREAT! if they ever did it correctly.

here's what i see most often. instead of headcanoning him as not asexual, they've heard something about how ace people can have sex anyways!

so for woke points, they slap their alastor ship/sex fics with the "asexual character" tag, and write alastor in one of two ways

uwu baby "ive never said a bad word in my life and i dont understand how the world works" asexual

allosexual, but call him ace anyways

both of those are aphobic. i have yet to come across ONE fic where alastor's asexuality (negative, neutral, or positive) is written, and labeled, CORRECTLY.

you know, it actually hurts MORE when he's written as "ace (actually allo)" than it does if people just headcanon him as not asexual.

alastor is a successful serial killer. he has spent decades in hell.

ALASTOR IS A SUCCESSFUL SERIAL KILLER. HE HAS SPENT DECADES IN HELL.

and you cowards are going to write him as inexperienced, ""innocent"", sexually uneducated?? i think the fuck NOT.

NOT ONLY THAT.

alastor lived through the roaring 20s. the flapper movement. the harlem renaissance. AND the sexual revolution of the 1920s. HE LIVED THROUGH ALL OF THAT. and you're going to act like he doesn't know what sex is?? we even KNOW he lived through all that because he says it himself, "i havent been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929", and 1929 was the end of all those movements and the beginning of the great depression - and then alastor died in 1933 after living a successful serial killer life in louisiana.

tell me again, why wouldn't alastor know what sex is or how it works? and if you can't, THEN STOP WRITING HIM LIKE THAT.

please please PLEASE educate yourself before you write an asexual character. ESPECIALLY if you're going to write them with a libido, and actually ACTING on that libido.

thank you.

sincerely, an exhausted sex positive asexual.

#hazbin hotel #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor the radio demon #the radio demon #hazbin alastor #i am at my limit #asexual #asexuality #fae rants

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makeupbychio · 5 years ago

Text

goodnight n go // C.H

pairing : Calum Hood x Reader.

summary : you are a famous pop singer and one normal night in your life Calum literally came to change everything.

words : 8.5k

warnings : fluff, angst and swearing.

a/n : hi babies, so I tried to do this gender neutral because I’m trying to write things for everyone without specifying gender, sexuality, physical appearance, etc. Feedback is more than welcome. Credits to the owner of the photo, and the Instagram posts.

italics means song lyrics.

bold means posts on social media.

inspired by : that one second laugh Ariana Grande does in ‘everytime’ studio version and ‘goodnight n go’ live version. And these videos (links down below in the blurb)

You are a pop star, already part of the pop culture, on tons of playlists made by platforms. So your life is always on the public eye even when you don’t post in your social media the paparazzis and social accounts always doing that for you. It wasn’t like that at the beginning, the world barely knew your name, your shows were for 50 in the room, then 100, then 1000, now a whole arena and with two dates in some cities. You have learned how to deal with the dizzy things of being famous thanks to your fans, family, friends and your own power so at the end of the day you would not change leaving your heart on stage singing and dancing every night at all even when you know that it is crazy, yeah, it is crazy there outside. How people that you don’t know tells you how you changed their lives with your music, how you saved them, tattoos in their bodies inspired by your lyrics and style.

It is been crazier lately. You write your songs inspired by your own experiences or your loved ones experiences. You just finished a tour and after a good break for a whole season you are back writing and planning a new album. You were writing a song based on a reckless love but the song couldn’t make it to the previous album because you never finish it and you didn’t want it as an interlude. But you restart it because life slapped you in the face because 3 months ago you broke up with your partner. You are laying on bed looking at some pictures of you two together walking on the streets taken by paps. The light of the screen lighting your face. And god, how you didn’t realize tons of things?, in every picture you are looking at your ex like a fool completely in love but people could not say the same coming from the other person. You were in love, your ex really loved you at first but the last months of the relationship barely paid attention to you. That is when you remembered one of your fights.

“I waited for you for almost two hours! You could at least answered my messages or you could call me! So I would leave the restaurant and don’t waste my time on you” you said loudly pointing at its face when you came back home and acting like nothing happened. You were furious.

“I know, sorry I’m tired I spend the whole day with my friend I didn’t see him in a while” your ex sighed laying on your bed. “Don’t wanna argue”.

“I don’t care about your friend! You could tell him to hang out another day. It was a special day for us you asshole” you said giving an angry look and leaving the room.

It was supposed to be a special day that day. You were back from your South America leg of the tour and you received the notice of awards nominations so you decided to celebrate by having dinner and then go to the movies together. But your ex didn’t show up, and it wasn’t the first time. You just asked for simple things like going to the beach or just receive love. So even you were angry, you came back to their arms every time.

You thought that then a good fuck or a pretty face would fixed everything, but no. Your naive head at that moment thought that things were going to change, or that your lover was the love of your life.

Now you are looking at the last picture of you two that was seen together walking out a store and even bugs can notice how disillusioned your expression and body language are in that photo. You are hanging by their arms but looking at the floor with your head down. The other person also was trying to hide it with a cap and focused on the road.

‘Oh God’ you sigh at the picture knowing how ridiculous you looked. You lock your phone and throw it to your side of the huge bed now empty the other side. You are sitting with your legs crossed in your bed looking outside your window. It is late in the night so the city lights are your view and it reminds you that night when you called your best friend to tell her about you were thinking to end your relationship. She is always been supportive with you and every time you were going to make your decision you postpone it till finally it happened. You remembered that you cried a lot that night you saw them leaving your apartment and hours later you were still crying listening to sad music with your best friend looking at the roof.

Now you decide to restart the song you left half done. Your dog joined you in bed, you went for a cup of hot chocolate and you start writing it.

The next day early in the morning you are in your way to the studio once you are ready with your makeup trying to hide your tiredness that you wrote till 3 am and put your studio outfit which consists on a big hoodie so big that the sleeves are always covering your hands but comfiness is first.

Your band and crew arrived and you have your coffee. Even when it is a sad song coming from your experience you want to put energy in this one like one of those nights you fought, how your blood was running in your veins and how deeply you knew that your relation was pointless but you were going to fall every time. The energy being aware of that but at the same time an energy by saying I’m done, I get over you but I know that I was a fool for you but not anymore.

You explain that to everyone when all of you are thinking about the melody and beats. Most of the people in the room insist and show you a sad melody and you are starting to get frustrated because they are not listening to you and your idea you are looking for.

You decided to move on on another two songs that you have complete. During breaks to eat something, drink water, go to the next studio and say hi to people that you know and fooling around with your own crew now it is dark outside and you are thinking to call it a wrap for today but the urge to at least figure it out the musicality of the song you wrote last night it is bigger.

But all of you are tired and ran out of ideas and your manager enters the soundproof box to tell you that the room is reserved for another artist from midnight till dawn. So you have 3 hours left to record this song or try again another day.

When you are talking to your favorite producer, who also is your friend, a tall man enters the room with headphones and the music too loud for not noticing the room full of people. When he saw the big group of people he freezes and apologies already leaving when you stop him recognizing him.

“Calum?” you said getting up from your seat in front of all the buttons of the huge synthesizer.

“Y/N?” he asks checking if this is real.

You nod at him and hug him because it is been a while, almost 2 years without seeing him. He is so happy to see you, the last time you were together was in an awards after party and you know him since 4 years ago when you met him and his band on an awards show that you presented his band and their performance and you saw it from the corners of the stage and waited to congratulated them because you are respectful with others musicians work, they asked for a picture and after that you have been friends but your busy life didn’t let you hang out with them but always exchanging likes, comments or messages on the dms on social media.

“Omg how are you?” he asks you while he hugs you with his strong arms the height difference is notorious so he lays his right cheek on top of your head. He knows about your love situation, but to be honest he was not sad about that. Not at all. But he is not going to take advantage of that.

“Fine and you? Omg I miss you so much, what are you doing here alone?” you say to him confused not seeing all the 5sos boys.

“We are recording our new album and the guys should be here” he says checking the hour on his watch and then quickly his phone if there is a message.

“Finally new 5sos music!” you say and laugh.

“Yeah, we don’t have the ability like you to drop music every year.” he teases you.

“Hey!” you punch him softly on his ribs. “First things first, you can do that too if you want to drop music and second, actually right now I’m struggling with a song” you explain to him all of your situation when his phone rings. Ashton is on the other side of the line.

“Cal, we said at midnight!” Ashton said.

“Oh crap, I don’t know why I understood it was at 9 pm...K’...Bye, see ya’” Calum answers to his friend before hanging out the call.

He explains to you the situation even when you listened to what Ashton said. Calum tells you that it was nice to see you but he should be back at midnight but you stop him letting him know if he wants he can stay.

“Are you sure?” he asks knowing that maybe that could bother your crew.

“Of course Cal!” you say. And even when his house it is like 20 minutes away by driving he could come back when it is his band’s turn to use the studio but to be honest again he would really love to hang out a while with you. He always finds you attractive and your voice is one of the most angelical for him.

After he greeted the rest of the group he sits close to you listening your conversation with your producer.

“What if you add little adlibs and drums?” Calum suggests but he regrets if the producer would get angry. “Sorry man, I know it is your work and I am just a guest and-”

“It is okay! Actually that is a good idea dude” your producer say asking Calum to show him what he said.

Calum and you enters the box and he sits to play the drums.

“Ashton is teaching me a little bit now that we are roommates” he jokes about it while taking the drumsticks.

“I saw that joke you did to Ashton! It was hilarious and his response” you point at him.

So you and Calum organized that he would play something in the drums first and then you start singing or reading the lyrics to catch the rhythm. He shows you a freestyle moment with the drums since he’s been doing that in his house to practice. The producer in the other side of the glass tells you from the speaker that there is a beat that maybe could fit. So once back again listening to beats ideas ordering to make that beat faster or slower, louder or pronounced then your band is working with the guitar, bass, keyboard and your drummer continues what Calum started and last but not least you are thinking where to sing it with high notes that it is your biggest characteristic.

All the people in the room are tired, your manager and part of your crew left early because they have meetings for some upcoming festivals to schedule. You let your band know that is the last effort of this week then you’ll be back again the next one rehearsing for an awards performance.

Calum now is in the other side of the glass next to the producer watching and listening all of this process of making this record. He is having fun and he realizes he could hear to your voice all night. It takes a lot of takes, to the final result of a song and Calum knows that perfectly.

You want to achieve the highest note of the song in the last chorus of the song in the last line. You should have record that first because it is getting hard for you to reach with a tired vocal cords after doing the rest of the song and the ad libs. You sigh frustrated at another failure of that last chorus.

“Y/N, should we call it a wrap for today?” your producer asks you softly. To be honest, you don’t want it after all of the work behind to finally get this song built.

“Excuse me” Calum says confident to the producer to take control of the speaker. “Y/N, listen to me, this is the last effort I know that ya’ can do this… You got this” he says looking at you directly in the eye. You nod and take a deep breath to try again and ‘he was right’ you thought to yourself when you freaking nailed it not just one high note, you reached it also the lines of the outro of the song.

Once you open your eyes when you keep singing with not that much power the last line. You laugh hiding your smile with the sleeve of your hoodie because the first thing you see is Calum stunned with his arms crossed on his chest and one hand full of rings lifted to cover his mouth. You start clapping to your band and say through your microphone ‘thank you’ to the rest of the people.

“Girl, you fuckin’ blew my mind” he says so excited mimicking what he said once you left the recording side of the room.

Minutes later everyone is saying goodbye to you and once again you thanked everyone for their job and energy as always and telling your producer to call you to edit the song other day.

Now you are alone with Calum while you start packing your things. “Magic” you say looking at the clock with 15 minutes in your favor.

You use that time catching up on general things, like music, family, next awards, and a little bit of gossiping and of course asking about the rest of the boys.

“So happy for you guys, I can see that you are happy with this new era” you say after listening to Calum talking so passionate about what he and his band are doing. “I want to wait for the guys because I miss them. Do you think Michael is still in love with me?” you joke about it in a friendly way since Michael told you you were his crush, so he always reacts so excited and weird with you.

“No, he can’t react like he used to”. Calum laughs and you understood because you congratulated Michael on his engagement.

Minutes later, the boys and the rest of the crew arrived making noise with a lot of energy as always ready for a recording night but at the end they are always laying on the floor waiting for the team to call it a wrap.

“You gotta be kidding me!” Luke says running to hug you by lifting you because he is so tall and he missed you so much. You laugh and hold him tight. You say hi to the rest of the boys and you look at Calum next to you when you both noticed Michael is trying to act serious and cool around you when later he is going to ask Calum "Did Y/N said something about me?".

After a couple of minutes talking to the boys catching up about life, their crew called them to start the session so you have to say goodbye.

"Thanks again Cal, you saved my life today" you say goodbye to him with a kiss on the cheek and then the same with the rest. "K' guys bye, hope you have a good night".

You are stepping into your car when Calum calls you running behind you. "Y/N! before you leave, I lost all of my contacts when Ashton threw my phone into a pool…" you laugh at how they always been like that. "So if you can give me your number again if one day you want to hang out with me- with us".

You both exchange numbers and say goodbye.

Your producer laughs hearing that take where you stop singing and take a second to laugh at Calum’s face. “You want to put the laugh in the song too?”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8EMIEPCF5y/

You don’t know if it was a joke or a serious question. You think for a minute at how frustrated you were that night with your team trying to build this song and thankfully Calum was there to help and give his opinion, also that laugh confirms how this song is not sad at all even when people were saying to you that it should be because of your breakup.

“Yeah” you answer and think about that little good time hanging out with Calum. You record a short video of that laugh that is going to be in the song, letting know your fans that you are in the studio pointing with your phone at the computer.

Your stories on Instagram are always like a puzzle to your fans, like what does this means? what is this? when? where? new song? album? tour? collab? video?. Most of the times you add emojis, letters, or numbers that are meaningful to decipher the message and also to tease.

“Hello?... Calum? Can you hear me?” you say through the phone.

“Y/N? Hi! Yes, I can…” he answers leaving the room. “Sorry, I was so into playing my bass, we are writing a new song”.

“Oh sorry, if you are busy I can call you later-” you say softly and gentle.

“No no no. Ehmm, how are you? Tell me” he say surprised that you actually call him. He is giving you all of his attention listening to you.

“I’m fine and you? I’m calling you because we finished the song and I would like to know if you want to appear in the track info, cause’ ya’ know… you helped with the drums and other stuff” you wait for his answer, you are nervous of his response. Why? You have done this all the time with other collabs, ‘maybe because he is so intimidating but at the same time the cutest’ you think to yourself.

In the other side of the call, he is surprised and also he finds this so cute from you because he thinks that he barely contributed. “Ehhm, yes- I mean if you are okay with this I’m okay too”.

@MTV: Biggest return of Y/N!, who just announced a new single and a new collaboration TONIGHT!, a new album, and a performance for the VMAS. *internal screams*.

@MTV: Don’t forget to watch the VMAS this Sunday at 8 pm, amazing performances by Y/N, 5 Seconds Of Summer, Halsey, Rosalía, Bad Bunny, Doja Cat, Cashmere Cat and Missy Elliott winner of the Vanguard Award and more! with surprises of course, as always.

@y/n.updates: Genius.com has revealed the lyrics of the new singles! “everytime” and “quit”, the last one is from the dj Cashmere Cat’s album. We are so excited for our baby's return.

@bbcradio1: A friendship you didn’t know you needed until now… Calum Hood from 5sos appears in the track info of Y/N’s new single. Is Y/N going to appear in the upcoming 5sos album too? let’s pray to the universe.

“Of course last but not least to arrive the red carpet is the royalty in person, Y/N” the interviewer comments watching you posing to all of the cameras. “I am loving this moment. Y/N is here to slay the red carpet and taking pictures with every artist throwing kisses to friends like to 5sos, ugh lucky boys, now saying hi to Normani, we love that”.

“Yeah, I’m smelling big succes coming this year and Y/N totally deserves it” the other interviewer says. “Oh. My. Goddess… Can we take a moment to appreciate this outfit?!”. You arrive and say hi to everyone. After a couple of questions and compliments you are walking with your team to go backstage to change for your performance.

Once the Teen Wolf cast introduced your performance, everything went dark and silence and you appear in a large lavender satin dress, perfect to build up your figure and Cashmere Cat appears on a platform with his dj set and lights pointing at you and him.

“And you say that I'm the devil you know

And I don't disagree, no, I don't see the harm

They say, "You crazy, just leave him, he'll suffocate you"

But I wanna be in your arms

They say, "No, don't pick up the phone, let him think there's nobody home"

But I'm under your spell

'Cause when you call, my heart starts to roll

I always want more

It's my heaven, my hell…”

Then two contemporary dancers are next to you dancing at what the lyrics means to you when you recorded this with Cashmere Cat in the studio after your breakup. At the chorus a fake rain starts in the stage and you have your moment feeling amazing and feeling the beat that your dj friend was playing behind you. You participate too in the choreo while you sing the last part of the song. Singing to both dancers faces like if you are watching from outside when you decided to step out your relation. So each dancer goes to their own way representing the metaphor.

Then a new different beat went off for a little moment and you start singing a snippet of one of your new songs of your upcoming album hoping to make everyone clear how you are after your breakup because you still hear some comments about it.

“I got a bad idea, How 'bout we take a little bit of time away?

I got a bad idea

Forget about it, yeah, forget about him, yeah”.

The next thing you see is everyone standing up and clapping at you. You hug Cashmere Cat. “Thank you, please give it up for my friend Cashmere Cat!”

You stay not that much to the after party because tomorrow you have to get up early for a photoshoot.

You post videos behind the scenes and the photos of the photoshoot. You are in the front page and you did something original playing with makeup, hairstyles and clothes. Everyone is living for this new era.

“Ugh, are you going to do that call or should I do it for you?” Ashton interrupts Calum and his daydreaming watching your latest posts.

“What?” Calum answers confused wrinkling his nose and expressions.

“You heard me”. Ashton says letting know his friend that he is not stupid. “I noticed how you look at Y/N that night performing and then at the after party...And don’t excuse yourself because of the angelic voice because I know I was mesmerized too but you were on another level”.

Calum doesn’t add anything else and stands up to continue writing the new song but not without leaving a comment on one of your posts ‘gorg!’.

“Hello beautiful human, it is Y/N back in the studio!” Zach says through his microphone. Everyone clap and he greets you. Even the promo you have to do for your singles, albums and all that stuff you are so picky with the interviews you want to do because in the past you had a lot of uncomfortable ones with disrespectful questions and interviewers. It is not the case with Zach, you feel at home and he is your friend.

As always you talked about your new music, upcoming things, opinions about something, your personal life and you are so honest talking on Zach’s show because he always asks you about how are you doing because he knows that everyone struggles.

“So the whole tracklist it is on genius.com and I think that it is safe to say that I’m not the only one surprised with the collabs and people who helped you.” Zach says reading a paper checking the new revelation. “I would like to know details how it is to work with such talented artists and producers”.

You told him the details and including how Calum ended in your studio session that night.

“Thank God I recognized him because my bodyguard was ready to punch him” you make Zach laughs.

Calum saw your interview and after that he called you. He didn’t know what kind of confidence took him to invite you to hang out tomorrow.

That day you went with him and Ashton and Luke to the Star Wars theme park. The guys insisted that Calum must have gone alone that day but he was too nervous. Other day you and the guys went to bowling, Michael was losing all the fun because his new life as fiancé planning the wedding.

That’s how you got the chance to know more about them every single time you hang out. Paparazzis always were there and people talking about this cool friendship. But then Calum had the balls to ask you on a date. For your surprise he invited you to a The 1975 concert, then you invited him to a Post Malone concert, you went to the movies, then late nights stops at diners. And as the bond between you two was growing with so much love, affection, confidence, honesty and how safe you feel next to him you didn’t realize that you were holding his hand or arm so natural like it was a thing you two always do. That little thing was enough for people to start rumors. Calum likes you so much but he wanted to take things slow because of you and him after you told him everything about your ex and he did the same. His ex used him just for fame and to be in the public eye so with little details when you noticed he was doubting about his own self or anything else, you let him know that everything is okay.

One and a half month later, you are with him at your place in your home studio after you order vegan pizza for dinner that Calum was right that it is delicious. You were helping each other, mostly him with ideas of sets to perform Want You Back and Youngblood on tv shows. Then you showed him the final version of ‘everytime’ and he loves that you included the laugh in the song which reminds him of something.

“I want to show you something” Calum says searching something on his phone gallery.

“Found it” he says getting his chair closer to yours. It is a video that he secretly recorded of that day in the studio, when you finally hit the high notes of the song. In the video you can hear how he says ‘wow” multiple times and your producer is not surprised but still in awe. Then there is your laugh when you saw Calum’s face and when the song ends you can hear his ‘what the fu-” and the video ended.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8O76_nC3Q5/

“Why you didn’t show me this before?” you say with giggles at how incredible you have the two sides of that moment.

“First, don’t worry because I’m never going to show this to anyone I know that I should ask you before and-” he is explaining himself.

“Can I kiss you?” you interrupts looking at him noticing a sparkly surprise on his eyes.

He leans so fast to kiss you, you take your moment to taste his lips after all this time you can confirm what you think about his lips. You break the kiss needing air. “You didn’t answer my question”.

He laughs at your teasing while you bit your lip. “You’re right, I didn’t”. He holds your face within his hands and start kissing every part of your face while he says “Yes” in every little kiss.

Things got hot and heavy so you move the make out session to your room. Both of you don’t want that the other person feel pressure to do things but with you Calum forgot his “love is scam” thing. So he carries you and takes his time to make every moment, kiss, thrust and this night to last. He thinks that he is the only one that kinda feels strange at this amount with affection and intimacy but the truth is that you were feeling the same way, because with him you don’t feel a clingy or a needy person as you were in your last relationship. With Calum is different in a good way.

“So you didn’t come home last night” Ashton says to Calum when he arrived for lunch time, because he had breakfast twice today with you.

“Ew! I didn’t want to know that Cal” Ashton says while cutting vegetables for lunch. “Thank God you are together, it took you forever. To be honest, I thought Y/N was going to get bored of waiting”.

Another night at your place when Calum surprised you with a romantic dinner and also apologizing for the other night when at his place Ashton interrupts you two.

In the middle of the night you woke up with an idea stuck in your head, you took your underwear and Calum’s baggy shirt he was wearing and before you stood up you melted at the sight of your dog sleeping closely to Calum, who at first hated him but now they look like besties.

After an hour in your studio with this new idea, you had the lyrics and already recording with a beat which two of your best friends made once in a party just fooling. The studio is soundproof and in another level of your house so the music is not going to wake up Calum, but the coldness he felt next to him makes him wonder the reason that woke you up.

And when he found where you are and what are you doing he reminds to himself that in this exact moment he feels so much love for you.

“That sounds beautiful babe” he said getting closer to you to kiss your cheek.

You are editing all focused this song to send it to your producer to do the final touches. “I didn’t want to wake you up” you lift your head to look at him with a pout and noticing he is shirtless and he looks tired from what you did hours earlier. He asked you details about this song called ‘goodnight n go’, he listened to it and once again all of his feelings manifest in a studio. “I love you” he confessed when the song ends. The feeling is mutual and the idea of this song came up all based in your relation you have with him.

@Y/N: new album. valentine’s day. love y’all xoxo.

You posted with the cover of your new album.

“There is a lot of people downstairs” your manager said arriving the room, you were waiting for your manager for the first toast of the night. It is your album’s launch party and you want to celebrate with your team, your band and their loved ones. Your family, your friends, artists of the industry, and other famous people.

You made a speech about how grateful you are for everyone in the room for their patience, for the love and support for you and this new project. Before you start to get emotional, you said to everyone to have fun tonight and you thanked again.

You rented a whole club for the night. After eating, cut the cake and having a few glasses of champagne you are ready to take pictures in the photo booth with everyone.

Your close loved ones of course know about you and Cal, but the other half of the people in the room just know the rumors and the pictures from paparazzis and fans. When you were taking funny pictures with other musicians, it is iconic that in the photo is going to appear artist from different genres of music that are your friends. Calum really wants a picture with you and just you even when he loved the ones with the boys and your friends.

“I’m ready” Calum said to you when you are pointing at the printed photo because Luke’s gold eyeshadow looks freaking amazing.

“Ready for what?” you looked at him confused.

“Ready to announce the world that we are together” he said biting his lower lip waiting for your reaction. He told you a few weeks before that he was afraid and he didn’t know how to handle at that moment if you said you were together, so you told him that it is okay and understood him.

“Like now?! What you have in mind?” you asked him nervous because you both know what comes next with this kind of announcements.

Calum just took your hand and enter just with you inside the photo booth and when the countdown started he looks at you with a smirk and sparkly eyes. “This is my plan” and he kissed you on the lips at the same time the machine announced the picture was taken.

“We have two more! What do we do?” he asked you, but now that you are here you use right the last two pictures. One kissing him in the cheek and hugging him around his neck that Calum did that thing with his eyes and the biggest smile on his face because he is so happy and also the alcohol. And the last one looks a little bit blurry and funny.

You took the opportunity to take another three but this time, now that everyone is going to know about your relation, the pictures are sexier but not vulgar. Of course your photographer took film pictures during the night so you will have several memories of the night.

You and Calum posted the three first ones on your social media.

@Y/N: my love💖.

@calumhood: happiest man in the universe. february 14th is not bad at all anymore with you by my side💛.

That night before you arrived home with Calum, he told you about a new 5sos music video called Valentine that was going to be on Youtube in 30 minutes, he told you that he wrote almost the entire song and you can’t wait to hear and see him singing this song, especially his verse.

We know we're classic together like Egyptian gold

We love us

The success of your new album was immediately. And that means a lot of interviews, invitations to tv shows, radio stations, youtube channels, etc. Calum went and waited for you backstage to the ones that were in US. But the international ones he couldn’t come with you because their new album is going to release soon and new music videos by 5sos.

“I’m so happy to be back!” you said. Today is BBC radio 1 turn. They told you they were happy to have you in the radio.

After you sang a song from the new album, you have to do a cover. In the past you did ‘Them Changes’ by Thundercat and ‘After The Storm’ by Kali Uchis taking advantage of your voice and the high notes you can reach, it is the same this time.

“Hi, this is Get You by my friends Daniel Caesar and Kali Uchis” you said. The last part is your favorite.

This feels like summer

Boy you make me feel so alive

Just be my lover

Boy you'll lead me to paradise

Youngblood is out and the release party wasn’t bigger like yours but the fun was the same. You appeared on the Cocktail Chats they did when it was Valentine’s turn. Now after two months your relation went public, the euphoria coming from the people decreased.

@Y/N: something huge in two hours with a special guest.

You posted on your stories with a sneak peek.

@ctrlnow: Y/N’s world tour with Kehlani as special guest. Next week tickets on sale. Are you excited? because this is going to be 🔥. It is the first time Y/N is going to perform in all the continents in almost two years.

@5sos: US, Canada and Mexico get ready for this tour. Special guest our buddy Dominic Fike. Tickets on sale in 6 days.

After 4 months of rehearsals and planning visuals, outfits, makeup, sets, tracklist, etc. You are on the road with the first leg of the tour in US for the whole summer in arenas and festivals. You are synchronized with Calum so you have no problem to hang out together and enjoy to the fullest your days off.

Both of you don’t get tired of each other concerts. Watching Calum leaving his heart on stage singing and playing his bass, also looking so freaking handsome every single show. For him is the same watching your amazing show with your dancers and different outfits, he said it before and in the present day that he can listen to you singing the whole day and he envies you how charming you are with your fans and noticing every person in the huge arena.

You have a main stage, then a circular runway and a B stage. Calum is always in the first row in front of the B stage. The first show you were so nervous. The beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started and the crowd went crazy.

“It seems that you really like this one” you said teasing even more. You started dancing and walking next to where Calum is. Your dancers interact with the audience while you are reaching the high notes.

We'll have drinks and talk about things

And any excuse to stay awake with you

And you'd sleep here, I'd sleep there

But then the heating may be down again

(At my convenience)

We'd be good, we'd be great together

https://www.instagram.com/p/B577uVJnJ6f/

When you looked down, there is your boyfriend looking at you like nobody else did before. You laughed at his reaction because it was priceless and before you keep moving you blow him a kiss. So as the same his reaction was that first time in the studio with ‘everytime’ that made you laugh, now it is with the song that he inspired. He does that in every show he goes, every time you sing ‘goodnight n go’. It is now your amulet that he makes you laugh in the same part with his faces and reactions. But not everything is perfect.

The different time zones, the distance and the stress is clouding Calum’s mind. In two weeks you have barely spoken ten minutes. And new things keep coming to you like singing to fashion shows, summer festivals in other continents, hosting tv shows, etc. His friends told him that he will get used to and things will be okay within you two. But he misses you so much and he is doubting about himself again in this thing called love.

“I think it is the best Y/N” he said through his phone. He called you that night, he is so overwhelmed and tired. “I don’t want to be an obstacle, this is your career’s biggest time” he tries not to cry while he passed his hand through his hair all nervous.

“Calum please tell me you are not joking” he can hear your sobs in the other side of the line. You are in France and he is in Canada.

“Y/N just look at what time you are calling me! It is 4 am here where I am!” he said frustrated, it is not the first fight but it is the first time he yells at you that loud.

“Okay I’m sorry! It is late here too Calum in New Zealand- my point is that we will be okay Calum. After this I’m going to be home like you” you tried to calm him.

“And then what? Run to film a tv show for a whole week? Just seeing you at nights? We should take a break while we figured it out” he said and you are frozen trying to check if what he said is real.

“You are the only one who needs to figured it out, because I’m sure about us and… How could you even wonder and said that you are an obstacle?”. Now it is the opposite because the last thing you said was “Okay, if it is what you want. Go to sleep n’ goodnight”.

You don’t know how people could know. But rumors of your relationship are in every social media and it is just been a day. You want to throw your phone but you have to get ready for your show in Australia, what an ironic thing.

It is not the same hype when the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started. When you are singing the bridge that you were used to laugh thanks to Calum’s reactions. Now your voice breaks and hide your face with your hand and the other one holding your microphone so the public keep singing because you can’t. Your dancers changed the choreo to get close to you and let you know that they are there for you but still you start singing again in the next chorus but with a shaky voice. With this people confirms the rumors.

@enews: Our favorite couple is not longer a thing. With this we don’t believe in love. Y/N and Calum Hood are taking a break. Days before the couple had some troubles in tour. Y/N broke in tears and Calum didn’t go to any interview. Link of the video of Y/N last show in the bio.

“I supposed that you already saw this” Luke said giving his phone to Calum to show a video someone posted on Instagram. It is from your last night show.

“Yeah, I saw it” he said without making eye contact with his friend. Calum doesn’t want to talk about it. He is trying to convince himself that what he did is the best. It breaks his heart watching the video that now it is everywhere and his bandmates noticed how irritated he is with everything.

For a whole week Calum barely sleep two hours at nights. He looked off in the shows. He cries during his part in ‘Ghost Of You’, he sings spiritless in ‘Valentine’ and he asked to take off ‘Babylon’ from the tracklist.

5sos have new dates in another continents after December holidays.

“You should talk to Y/N, the Asia leg is going to be over in ten days and after the holidays the South America leg starts” Michael gave his advice to Calum but once again he didn’t give any answer.

You took ‘goodnight n go’ and ‘everytime’ off from the tracklist and changed it for another song because you tried a couple of shows after but you couldn’t do it like it used to be singing that song. Your fans were sad because it is their favorite song but you don’t want to cry every single show.

You have been in touch with Calum but not much. Just good morning and good night messages and that you are safe in the city you two are in that moment.

“Hello Mexico City!” Luke said on stage. “Welcome to the Meet You There tour, thanks for having us tonight, let’s have some fun!”

The whole night Calum were late and off key with his voice and bass that multiple times Ashton tried to follow him with the drums. Calum is thinking and worried about you when he saw earlier that you cancelled your shows in Korea because you got a cold that you have to rest your voice. He just wants to talk to you.

When the show ended, Calum throws his bass hard against the floor without caring a thing. After that he went directly to bed, without taking a shower, or eat something. It is been like this for weeks and everyone knows that what he decided was so stupid, but with hope that he learns the lesson.

“Can you explain us what was that?” Ashton said taking off Calum’s hands his phone. “Dude this is getting out of control, and we gave you your space and everything but now you are going to admit that what you did was wrong and the only thing you want is your relationship back”.

“Go away” Calum said.

“No, Hood. You are barely sleeping, eating, focused, happy. This is how relationships work, and we know that it is crazy as fuck when you are famous”.

“Yeah man, it wasn’t easy for me and my girlfriend” Michael said. “And now we are going to get married...Look, if it is meant to be and if you really love Y/N, you should fix this”.

You are back in LA for holidays and tonight you have the last show of the year because the second date of LA you had to cancel it because an allergy you had so you reschedule the show.

You are in the car on your way to the arena when your manager told you to stop by the studio because the new visual that you asked for is ready. It is a recap of this year, so your fans are going to see a couple of unreleased videos and pictures of behind the scenes of this whole year including everything and every person in your life.

In the studio you saw the new visual and you noticed that they didn’t put Calum on it. You love him and even when you are on a break, you wanted him in the visual too.

“Hmm I can explain it” your crew member said when another video randomly start in the screen of the computer.

“A mini film by Andy Deluca” you read in the title. The video shows the different reactions of Calum in every ‘goodnight n go’ performance. not just the tour, it also shows the reactions from his house listening to the song, or watching you performing the song on a show. It is a funny video but at the same time so cute and emotional because his reactions are different in every take. Calum screamed “YAAAAS!” or “I LOVE YOU BABY!”, surprised faces, funny faces, lip-synching, etc. And when Andy pointed the camera at you and you hid your laugh with your hand or sleeve, depends on the outfit. Calum says directly to the camera “Y/N should stop doing that, I’m going to say it later because Y/N’s laugh and smile are gorgeous… Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it”. And the video ends.

“Wow, this is freaking cool but how did you-?” you asked your team when Calum appears from nowhere that scares you.

“I send it to your manager” he said. “I asked Andy to do this video because as always since the start of our relation I wanted to keep these memories”. When you didn’t say anything, he continues. “Y/N I know that I fucked up everything and-” he is interrupted by your manager telling your team to leave you two alone. Once alone with Calum in the room he continues again. “I got scared, I had never had a real relationship, this connection and what I feel for you before...I’m sorry”.

After a couple of minutes talking and giving your point of view that he didn’t let you give months earlier, you said “I love you, but please talk to me because the solution is not running every time things get complicated” and you hug him. He tried to kiss you but you said that he has to win your heart again.

“Hello LA! Hope you enjoy this surprise, happy holidays” and the new visuals and videos start playing in the big screen and everyone is laughing, getting emotional, while you drink water backstage you can hear the “awww cute”. And last but not least Calum’s video is playing and you are ready for the next song. Everyone screamed and are happy for you to be with him again. So when in the video Calum says ‘Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it’, the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started.

Tell me why you gotta look at me that way

You know what it does to me

So baby, what you tryna say? Ayy

Lately, all I want is you on top of me

You know where your hands should be

So baby, won't you come show me? Mmm

“For this next song I would like to call Mister Calum Thomas Hood” you said looking at him. He didn’t know about this. You sat him in a chair and say on his ear “A little tease never hurt nobody babe”. Now talking to the audience, “Let’s go!” and the beat of ‘break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored’ went off. Calum is fighting and struggling when you are dancing in front and on top of him.

It’s been 3 years since Calum entered your room. He is so glad that he interrupted your studio session. And here he is now, watching you performing ‘goodnight n go’ like if it was the first time he heard you that night in your home studio, the feeling and the amount of love to you is the same and even bigger he would say, it just changes the place where you are singing this song. Now you don’t hide your laugh with your sleeve, and Calum always says how he feels and trusts in your relationship.

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nervestatic · 4 years ago

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lunar sway anon here! firstly i'd love to hear more about the au so if you post anything else i'd be very interested. secondly, i like those prospit/derse assignments! i'm also very curious about your reasonings for them if you'd be willing to share bc hhh homestuck brain go brr (analysis slaps)

lunar sway anon i would LOVE to talk more about it!! i’m gonna shove this under a cut because it got kinda long, but i’m also planning on making a post talking about the lands i’ve assigned them & i have a fic about dream going grimdark that’s almost done :D :D :D

for anyone wondering what this about, you can see my god tier assignments here!

OKAY, so, starting out with the PROSPIT side of things!

PHILZA: literally the first thing the official lunar sway guide tells us about prospit players is that they’re flexible and optimistic, which i think suits phil to the t. he’s shown himself to be incredibly adaptable and creative with the way he plays in the hardcore servers, and there’s also not a lot of acting that goes into how he presents himself- he’s just a guy who likes to play minecraft, and that really resonates with prospit for me.

NIKI: similarly to phil, niki is really optimistic! she tends to be quite trusting, and even when schlatt became president, she found a way to coexist with his rule because she knew it would help her friends more in the long run. she also tends to be more emotional and open with her feelings, which goes against the idea that derse dreamers tend to hide behind masks (literally and figuratively). TUBBO: tubbo is basically the crown prince of rolling with the punches and adapting to the new world order. we saw it with schlatt, we see it in his other videos all the time! he likes having a leader to follow and rules in place, and when he does lie or hide things, he does it in a way that makes it clear he’s pretending- telling you not to bother asking by being upfront about it (like telling schlatt he was pregnant). he’s also incredibly creative with the way he approaches problems, which is another prospit dreamer trait! GEORGE: george was a hard sell for me! a lot of how he acts could be taken as classic derse dreamer signs- hiding behind a mask (goggles), being logical and keeping his cards close to his chest. but what sold me on him being a prospit dreamer is the contrast he has with dream, and the way he acts in the manhunt videos. he’s incredibly adaptive and flexible with his plans, even though they don’t always go his way, and he’s always willing to get back up and try again. where dream tends to be more cool and collected, george thinks with his feelings and isn’t afraid to make a fool out of himself if it means he’ll win in the end, and that’s why i’ve put him with prospit.

SAPNAP: sapnap is the KING of being upbeat and flexible. he’s laid back without sacrificing being emotional and open with his feelings. he’s always got a joke or something to laugh about, always looking on the bright side even when he’s frustrated with how things are going, and that prankster-esque nature is CLASSIC prospit dreamer in homestuck. he’s a goof and we love him for that!!

now for the DERSE dreamers!

TECHNO: derse dreamers are rebellious, logical, and tend towards aloofness. they’re known for being great problem solvers and hiding their feelings by using self-deprecating humor. i am just describing technoblade!! so much of him as a person is structured around the persona of being technoblade, to the point where it doesn’t seem like he’s roleplaying on the smp because he’s putting that front up all the time, no matter what game he’s playing or who he’s with. he’s a brilliant problem solver and strategist, and anarchy is a big part of how he presents himself, making derse a perfect fit.

WILBUR: wilbur has this fantastic acerbic wit that’s incredibly reminiscent of the derse dreamers in homestuck for me! he’s incredibly clever and a little bit of a control freak, and he’s never satisfied with what he’s got- there always has to be something for him to rebel against, to the point where he held an election and got himself kicked out of his own nation. once he’s decided on a path, that’s it for him: he’s going to go that way, and you can follow him or be on your own, which is a classic derse dreamer mindset!

TOMMY: i put tommy as a derse dreamer because he’s essentially the opposite of george- a lot of the traits he presents point to prospit, for me, but when you get into the nitty gritty it turns out a lot of that is an act. he’s incredibly self-aware, and when you do see genuine emotion from him he’s often very quick to cover it up with a joke or an exaggeration to push the spotlight where he wants it, rather than where it might fall naturally. that, and he’s such a fun little rebel- even when he finds people to idolize, he pushes back against them and is constantly testing boundaries with people.

DREAM: this one, like techno, felt kind of obvious to me. derse dreamers tend to hide away, and dream is Literally Faceless. despite the fact that he comes across as extroverted/outgoing, he’s also a deeply private person who has set boundaries about what’s public and what’s just for him. he’s also incredibly intelligent and has a reputation built around his rapidfire strategies and quick problem solving in the manhunts! he also plays a very convincing puppetmaster on the SMP, and the character he plays there seemed like it’d be a good setup for a connection with the horrorterrors, which added to the reasons i put him here.

BADBOYHALO: bad was a tough cookie! a part of why i put him in derse instead of prospit was so that there’d be an even cut of the dream team between the two moons, being completely honest. but i think despite the very upbeat vibes he puts off, there’s also a very tense vibe about him and the way he presents himself. even though he’s willing to be goofy and make a fool of himself, it comes across in a very controlled manner, and i get the feeling that we’re seeing exactly what he wants us to see and perceiving him the way he wants to be perceived.

as for the UNDECIDED....

FUNDY: this fox is impossible to place. he has the rebellious streak and acerbic nature of a derse dreamer, and the creativity and flexibility of a prospit dreamer! i ended up putting him in prospit because he’s such a creative person and even though that creativity is often executed using logic, you can’t deny how goofy and into it he gets in all of his videos, not just the ones on the smp.

ERET: eret is also really hard to place! on one hand, they’re such a cool and open person who seems like he really looks on the bright side. on the other, he also betrayed l’manburg in a truly shocking display of cutthroat-ness and she seems like she’s got this ever-changing plan to end up on top, no matter what that means. i ended up putting them in derse because of the l’manburg betrayal, because that moment really shined for him as a character and it makes for a really interesting storyline.

woof, that got long. thank you so much for asking though, i hope you appreciate the analysis and i would love to hear any opinions about this!!!

#smpstuck au #dreamteam #asks #Anonymous #mcyt #decposting

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stina-is-a-punk-rocker · 4 years ago

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disney’s ‘the hunchback of notre dame’, early 2000s kid nostalgia, and other midnight musings

“What the fuck, Stina? I thought this was a blog for book reviews!” you say.

“Books, amongst other things. Hence the -ish suffix,” I say. “And all my mediocre ‘reviews’ are hit-or-miss in terms of engagement, so I’m pretty much free to post whatever the fuck I want.”

I toss my head. My hair whacks me in the face.

The first time I watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame was been circa 2006, in the ‘movie room’ of my preschool, huddled around a CRT TV with the rest of my five-year-old classmates. Not much about the film particularly stood out to me at the age.

Fast-forward fifteen years later; I’m cooped up in quarantine, hundreds of thousands of miles away from that first viewing. I’m living my best life, rejoicing in my introverted tendencies and having a laugh at the expense of all the suffering extroverts. I haven’t moved from my bed all day, except for the bare necessities, and I’m bingeing YouTube videos. All is well.

I discovered Lindsay Ellis’s channel quite recently- embarrassingly enough, through her videos on Omegaverse and the whole Addison Cain fiasco. I stumbled down the rabbit-hole of her channel, and here I am, a few dozen videos later, and I find her one on this film.

Which, of course, led me to want to re-watch the film, with the eyes and mind (supposedly) of an adult. And it went far beyond and above my expectations.

The film is dark, much darker than the average Disney film of today- not just thematically, but the graphics too. Except for the first parts with the Festival of Fools and the last scene, the rest seems to have a dark filter put over it all. Obviously, given its themes (I’m pulling these out of my arse; I’m a STEM major and I have zero to no knowledge about film) of freedom and equality, acceptance of those different from us, corruption and lust- all that good shit, in other words- you can’t exactly have sunshine and rainbows. But it’s such a stark contrast from what I’ve been accustomed to from Disney; Frozen has Hans about to decapitate Elsa, but the background remains bright and light; Simba sobbing next to Mufasa’s body in The Lion King is heart-wrenching, but a few scenes later, we have an anthropomorphic meerkat-boar duo singing about eating bugs and farting and all that classy stuff, so it’s not as traumatizing.

The themes are a lot more on-the-nose than a lot of other kids’ movies (forgive me if I err, I am aged and forgetful)- cue la Esmeralda saying, “What do they have against people who are different, anyway?”- you get what’s essentially the same ‘accept others regardless of their differences’, ‘prejudice is bad’ morals from, say, Zootopia, but having given the main characters fursuits makes it less obvious than in this movie.

(Or maybe I’m just a dumbass. I have no elaborate notes for this; I’m high on sugar and deprived of sleep so I might be spewing bullshit.)

Admittedly, the resolution is a bit… unrealistic. The citizens of Paris = sheep, essentially; they go from throwing fruit in Quasimodo’s face because the guards started it, to helping defeat them. Maybe there’s something about mob mentality in there, but I find it hard to believe that people who showed up to watch Esmeralda burn to death were suddenly totally cool with not getting what they didn’t pay for. But then again, this is a Disney movie, and you can’t make kids too cynical too early on. Let them have their innocence and ‘people will be with the heroes in times of peril because humanity is inherently good!’ before they realize that humanity kinda fuckin’ sucks.

The characters are some of the most human from those I’ve seen in Disney (other honorable mentions: the main characters of The Emperor’s New Groove, Moana, Tangled, Anna from Frozen). Quasimodo’s the main character (lol DUH, will I ever say anything not obvious?), and he’s so lovable, but not without flaws- he’s biased against gypsies in the beginning because Frollo’s the literal scum of the earth. To borrow from the K-pop fans’ dictionary: UwU he’s so pure!

Esmeralda sparks a bit of controversy because she’s another POC leading lady from a Disney film of the 90’s (a list including Jasmine, and, sigh- Pocahontas) who’s markedly more sexualized than the white Disney princesses. It’s not something I particularly noticed nor cared about until I saw it being brought up- I mean, the woman shows a bit of cleavage and then dances for a couple of seconds- but. I’m just putting that out there.

She’s an empowering heroine without having to belt in in your face (not me making a dig at Naomi Scott’s Jasmine from the Aladdin live action film), and I also love how her role in taking down the Big Bad doesn’t have to do with her ‘power of seduction’ (the scene in the animated Aladdin film where Jasmine kissed Jafar truly traumatized me as a kid).

Phoebus is… well, he exists. Kind of a Regulus Black archetype, but not exactly. The guy on the bad side who turns good and all is forgiven. Well, at least it’s not the ‘her love made him a better man’ trope. And he is a good guy. Even if he did spend a considerable amount of his adult years on the side of the bad guys.

Systemic oppression? Nah, it’s one or two corrupt baddies. But again, it’s a Disney film, we need everything to work out for the good guys in the end.

Let’s get the gargoyles out of the way. To reference Lindsay Ellis’s video (she’s a lot smarter than I am and breaks this down better than I ever could): yes, the comedy’s oft ill-timed and inappropriate… for an adult audience. And the primary demographic of Disney films, especially princess ones (obviously Esmeralda isn’t a princess, nor does she marry into royalty, nor is she included in the group of princesses in the dumpster fire that is Ralph Breaks the Internet, but I had a book imaginatively titled ‘Disney Princess Stories’ as a kid that included Esmeralda’s story alongside Belle’s and Ariel’s, so I’m calling her a princess), are kids. And kids love fart jokes.

Additionally, I have a theory-that-is-not-really-a-theory-but-a-pretty-obvious-thing-that-happens that the gargoyles are figments of Quasimodo’s imagination, and the, at times crass and ridiculous things they say are just the voices in Quasimodo’s head (THIS IS OBVIOUS, STINA, YOU HAVEN’T STUMBLED ACROSS A STARTLING NEW REVELATION); maybe what he imagines normal townspeople to act like.

And then we have Judge Judy Chrissy Teigen Frollo. This dude is the embodiment of pure evil. He’s bigoted and rapey and abusive and one of Disney’s most successful villains- even better than Mother Gothel, who previously held the crown. It’s rare that a villain genuinely terrifies me, especially a cartoon one. Frollo, unlike your typical fairytale antagonist who wants power/fame/fortune/to overthrow Olympus, is far more sinister; driven from deep-rooted hatred instead of plain greed. He’s so much closer to people in positions of power and authority even in the modern world, and that element of reality makes him so much better as an antagonist instead of a literal sheep who hates carnivores (seriously, Disney, enough with the twist villains- they’re not working out).

Also, Hellfire slaps. In fact, the entire soundtrack does.

Speaking about Hellfire, I love the contrast between that and Heaven’s Light; how Esmeralda is viewed by Frollo (an object to possess, “Destroy Esmeralda, and let her taste the fires of hell; or else, let her be mine and mine alone”) as opposed to Quasimodo (someone with free will, “I dare to dream that she might even care for me”).

Another argument brought up, and admittedly one I had as a child was, ‘but if the whole point of the movie is acceptance and love as opposed to lust, why didn’t Quasimodo get the girl?’ Which, years later, I realize is an extremely misogynistic way to look at it. As Princess Jasmine said four years before The Hunchback was released, she is not a prize to be won. Quasimodo is Frollo’s antithesis; he lets Esmeralda choose, and she chose Phoebus. And Quasimodo accepted that, because he is good and kind and sweet and loving. Severus Snape, take note.

On a sidenote, I’m always kind of caught out of left field when the plot in films moves really fast- I’m really not a movie-watching type; I prefer to read, and books usually indicate how much time passes from one main plot point to another, and there are little slice-of-life, filler parts that tie in to character development and moving the plot forward, but at a snail’s pace. So, whenever I’m watching a movie and it’s one important event after another, I usually haven’t had enough of a refractory period to process it.

Let’s pretend that I segued smoothly into the next part of this (already tedious and long drawn out) review.

The Hunchback is the darkest film I’ve ever seen come out from Disney. Re-watching it as an adult made me pause every so often and wonder why the hell I wasn’t traumatized by it as a kid. I mean, the whole movie kicks off with Frollo about to throw an infant down a well. And then there’s that horrifying shot of the stone renditions of the Israelite kings on the church walls. Frollo falls to his death into fire. I mean, good riddance, but still. I guess it’s because the kids’ shows of today are awfully censored and polished so kids don’t have nightmares forevermore.

Update: tried to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Exited just as fast as I clicked on it. Disney sequels really ain’t shit (yes, I’m looking at you, Frozen 2).

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transephiroth · 4 years ago

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an important post: abuse from friends, friend abuse. please read and reblog.

TW: abuse ment, bpd ment, ed ment, suicide ment, ptsd, trauma, death ment. gaslighting ment.

i don’t know what exactly what has compelled me to make this post at nearly 1:00 am on a school night just like every other, but i think the importance of advocacy of preventing, spotting, and stopping abusive friendships is to talk about them with the same respect as any other form of abuse.

i’ll give you a small overview of my personal experience with abusive friendships: when i was 16, my father committed suicide. i was not aware he was my biological father at they time and actually found out he was not my half brother, but my biological father. my father, who’s name i will not mention. i won’t even use fake names they’re hard to keep track of. i found out my mother, an abusive drug addict, slept with her husband, my apparent grandfather’s, adult son from a previous marriage consensually. one way or another, my father was forbidden to be involved in my life, and my grandfather raised me as his own. (in case you’re going to ask about inc*st, my father and mother have no relation, she is not his mother.)

the shock of learning this and grieving his death from the few negative interactions he and his mental health had on my family when i was a baby, was intense. i had no friends at school and felt incredibly lost and vulnerable. when i was in this place i met my best friend. we bonded over a shared hatred of my ex boyfriend, who was an abuser, who was dating her ex best friend.

this should have been a red flag, but i ignored it.

i took the first friend i could find after my ex took away all my friends in an effort to isolate me after my assault. this was probably the worst part of my life, and one of my first real suicide attempts was only days before my father died. the first friend i found, the first soul i recognized i clung to.

when me and my friend, who we will call P, were inseparable. but there was a very clear and distinct difference between us. P was a star in the band at school, she had great grades, tons of friends and was quite conventionally attractive. she was involved in a lot of extracurriculars and overall had a very nice demeanor.

this should have been a red flag. as harsh as it might sound, idealizing anyone is unhealthy. if someone appears to you as perfect, it’s not paranoid of you to wonder if it’s hiding something. it’s hard to tell when someone is being genuine, especially for myself with autism. nice words and a smile can pretty much fool anyone.

i, on the other hand of P, dropped out of band and just about every other activity after my assault, and was in and out of intense therapy and psych visits throughout all of high school. i never could go a school year without a visit. to this day i have gone a whole year however :)

I was an autistic shut in who quite honestly, cried a lot, smelled bad, was clearly poor, spoke funny and came to school drunk. we were not the same.

i don’t want to go over every painstaking detail, so i’ll try to summarize as best i can the first two years of our three year relationship.

P was diagnosed with BPD about a month into our friendship. she told me i was her FP/favorite person, and showed me videos to learn about BPD. i remember watching hours and hours of information about BPD to accommodate her the best i could. what i didn’t realize however, was that she was lying. she didn’t have BPD, or at least couldn’t be diagnosed because we were 16.

red flag. i knew this was a lie because i had been in therapy for years. it took me a long time to peace it together but i accepted it and beget told her, until this moment, that i knew.

i fucking knew.

months of friendship included constant easy to see through lies, fabrications, pathological rants, and pretty much changing her “back story” every day. it was draining not to mention it, but the few times i did, she got physical. i have scars on my right forearm from her nails, which were long and broke skin. she would tell me she would pay me back for things and never show. she would make fun of things i told her in secret to our friends, my trauma. my dad.

“dark humor”

over time, she convinced me to drop every single friend i had except for her. she had gotten me literally completely vulnerable and isolated.

when covid hit, my mom, of course, kicked me out. i moved in with P and her family. my time there over quarantine was very monotonous, but i’ll never forget that for basically 8-9 months, she never let me out of her sight. i felt like i had to just do whatever she wanted because her mother let me live there for free.

p knew i wanted to move away from my mother and the chaos of my home life for years.

right before quarantine, P got her first boyfriend. she had never had a boyfriend and had been to scared to get one. i was really happy for her, i encouraged her to ask him out while she was at a weekend school event.

P then began to manipulate not only me, but him. to this day i don’t know what’s become of either of them, but i really couldn’t care less anymore. when trauma heals, you get a sense of apathy.

P would frequently belittle me, mock me, kick, trip and slap me, force me to pay for things for her and her boyfriend on the spot, and steal from my purse.

eventually living with p, third wheeling with her less than charming boyfriend, who i honestly just didn’t mind. we weren’t friends, but i was respectful to him and treated him the same way i would treat a friend from school or something.

p has a family i won’t bring up because it involves minors, but her mother has a psychotic disorder and refuses to be medicated, so the house is full of ripped door hinges, holes in walls, smashed items and more. it’s really unsafe there, and during my time there i found i really began to internalize as a person. i developed an eating disorder and my ptsd and autism felt much more out of control.

i had been diagnosed with autism for nearly two years at that point, and living in that household made me realize just how damaging meltdown after meltdown without anyone understanding can damage your psyche long term.

i wanted to leave. i had saved my money from my jobs and got an apartment. p insisted on coming, saying she didn’t want to live with her mom anymore. i didn’t want her to come, but i agreed. she got a co-sign. i knew it was a bad idea because i heard what they said about best friends living together. i just can’t believe it really happened.

we talked about growing old together, raising our kids together. i was going to name my first daughter after her. we were going to be neighbors. her husband and my wife would be best friends just like us, but that’s not what happened.

we lived together from August 2020-November 2020

to give a quick summary of the inevitable end of this relationship, P and I had two kittens together. i asked her if she could put them away for inspection so they didn’t run out the door while i drove our third roommate, a whole other mountain of a story, to work.

she didn’t do it, instead slacked off to go to her boyfriends house. so i came back and had to put the cats away at record speed and our other roommate was late to work.

even if this was somewhat small, it was the breaking point for me. i grabbed my phone and texted her, DEMANDING she explain why she couldn’t do this one thing for me. i have never been that angry in my life. we had a phone call where i just lost it and unleashed all my anger and all my hurt about everything she had done. i was sobbing and barely making sense but i couldn’t just keep letting my life carry on this way.

i wish i remembered how the phone call ended, but all i remember was telling her “if the cats run and we can’t find them, then we are done being roommates.”

the next morning i woke up and she had blocked me on everything. i drove to the apartment and saw that overnight, according to block times at like, 3am, she had taken all our shared furniture, all my birthday gifts from not two weeks prior, all the gifts i bought her, most of my clothes, one of the apartment keys, my high school diploma, the paperwork for the cats, and not just our two shared kittens, but my third roommates cat as well.

cue search party with my partner and his friends and my other roommate for P and the cats. i found her at her house with her mom and boyfriend. i walked out and she was on the phone with my grandfather, telling him i was threatening suicide. i ask her where the cats are, she says they are at a friends house.

if we flashback in the story, we literally only had each other, so i knew it was a lie.

i managed to argue through to negotiate at least my other roommates cat, but only after P’s mom blocked us in the driveway and called the police saying we threatened her daughter

(reminder people in this group were black and asian ☺️ so she just calls the cops fall 2020)

luckily the cops saw the proof she blocked me so i couldn’t have threatened her, and let us leave.

that’s the end of the friendship. i could bore anyone who has read this far further by explaining the nightmare realm that is the legal troubles with the apartment, but the internet doesn’t need to know everything does it?

as the winter has gone on i’ve had months to basically remake myself as a person. i had to firstly face the damage P had done.

but before i get into that, anyone who is still reading first, ily, but also, if you’ve had ANY relationship that sounds similar to this, THAT IS ABUSE.

Plain and simple. It is abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally. nobody deserves that. not P. not you. not me.

friendships can be all someone has. not everyone is born into good families with loving siblings and great parents and tons of cousins who live .3 milliseconds away. families are divided. families, like mine, are divorced. families are broken and families sometimes aren’t even families. humans need relationships, and an idealistic person who we think maybe could save us and fix the world, won’t.

you can be taken advantage of by the person you trust the most just as easily as a stranger.

it’s not wrong to face the abuse they put you through, know it was wrong, and feel valid that it is was wrong.

what i went through with P was horrible. the detachment of my only friend hurt. but i bounced back. i’m still undoing some of the damage, but i have great friends and a wonderful partner. i have two rescue cats who mean the world to me.

life gets better after abuse, but the bad days and the pain aren’t invalid because of this. i have trauma from what P put me through. abandonment like that is traumatic. but it’s not the end. feel what you need to feel to feel better.

if anyone read this far and wants to vent their own experiences, or share more advice on preventing these relationships feel free. it’s almost 1:30 now, i should go to bed.

it feels good to get that off my chest.

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migleefulmoments · 4 years ago

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Abb/y has something to s/ay

Let me premise this by reminding everyone that Abby -like Trump-doesn’t “get” comedy. They literally do not understand jokes, punchlines, or humor. So a satirical show about the Hollywood song writers falls flat. Her time away did nothing to sway her conspiratorial aspirations or her misogynistic hatred of Mia. She watched Royalties not once, but twice... not to enjoy Darren’s creativity and performance, not to support the celebrity she stans, and not even to crack up at the humor, no she watched twice because she was looking for confirmation bias. She wanted to document all of the ways Darren wrote his CrissColfer truth into Pierce’s life and she obsessively listened to all of the diss-tracks he wrote to attack his wife.

Let me also premise this by saying I loved the show. I thought it was funny and the songs are so damn catchy. The lyrics are quintessential Darren- funny, very clever, and raunchy.

******************************************

R/oyalties, the Tale of Two Shows with a Heaping Side of Meta

ajw720. So I just finished watching R/oyalties for the second time, this time solely focused on the meta. Look, we all know, the show is not good, it was not well written and the short format didn’t help as there was no option to develop character or plot. But D knew it would not be good, he apologized for it back in January 2019. And I think the effort he put into acting was the effort it deserved. Ok.

But his songs were genius. As were the videos, hence why i call it the tale of two shows. It truly was like watching content made by completely different people. I concur with MH, D is “intensely talented.” And the part of this show he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into, the songs, are evident of this.

But this is a post about that Heaping Side of Meta. I think D, knowing that that show would not be made in the manner he envisioned, instead used it as a vehicle to make some bold statements and parallels with his career and public life. Shall we begin? And please, unlike the perfect song, this is not a perfect post and after the second round of watching i canceled my Quibi subscription and never plan to look back, so please feel free to add. I know some of these have been pointed out but I thought it was valuable to have one post.

One idea to inpsire the song? A tiny FROG on a dime.

D’s shirt 1st seen in Episode 2: “It is hard to soar like an Eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys”

And of course “Call me Goldilocks bitch” Remind you of something?

How about the entirety of Episode 3 when we are told that an artist is completely the product of the team. That no matter what the artists expresses they want, it doesn’t matter because the Label/manager/publicist/on camera agent/legal will always have a say. And how it will play in America or the Foreign market are key metrics of how the product is produced and presented. I love the line of the songwriter that tells P/ierce and S/ara to “get out while they are young.” Or the line by one of her team “we don’t want something different, we want something the same that is different.” And in the end P&S simply took one of KK old songs and reworked it, making something different that is not different and her team loved it.

And of course, the line that was an utter slap in the face to the most over praised “director” of an indie band video ever when D reminds her of the real director in his life, the man set to direct major motion pictures, “you know who would be perfect to direct? C/hris. C/hris would shatter this.”

Not much in Episode 4, but the gorilla suit in my opinion was mocking of a certain MMR video where we watched Swiller and a banana in a song about a gorilla. Images I never need to see in my head again.

Episode 5, a gem, I am still so fucking proud of D and how he mocked her throughout the entirety of the episode. New lines I love of that amazing song he wrote about her (in addition to those i posted previously here) “Some people say I’m a genius, which comes from the greek word for Latin, and other people will say, alright in fact i’m a fuckin’s genius” “I’m not saying I’m a god, but I’m not saying I’m not a god.” Mocking at its finest made all that much better by the band’s name “Switchback Jacket” that D describes as “butt rock emo” that is performed by a band that doesn’t actually sing, they are just the public image. He literally told us that what we see is an image created for the public and that it is completely fake. And he used his beard to make this statement. Just brilliant. I cannot praise him enough for this, stealing her moment in the sun and making her look like an utter fool, telling us just how narcissistic she is.

Also some wonderful lines from that episode that are beyond telling:

“Power, it felt good to remind Kevin that I hold power over him. You always want to be the one with power”

“p/ierce wouldn’t know where to take a shit if I didn’t tell him.”

“she is like my wife except we don’t have sex and we are friends.”

“alright boss, I am ready to record that song, but where should i take a shit?”

“You will do anything to succeed.”

Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on:

And the cherry on top of this episode, the inclusion of C/huck (for some background, see my post here).

I really like the one bit of dialogue between P&S, where D pretty much tells us once again that M will use anyone to get what she wants:

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe, I don’t like where we are now? There were a lot of really great things about the way things were. Things that are worth preserving. Not that you just take and use and through out.”

Episode 9 had some really impactful lines:

“you think i wouldn’t steal for my career? You think I wouldn’t lie? I would do anything.”

The Neils being the nameless individuals, nothing more than a number, who are the ones who actually create the product. And then the song, some of the translations are D telling you how he feels, because sometimes i think in terms of his public image he is just a Neil trying to escape the cage that has been built around him:

“I dream about getting away, I have been locked up in this cage wishing i could make my escape. I hate that I need you.”

And finally Episode 10, where we learn the Neils get no credit and no royalties. This reminds me of a script C wrote that never saw the light of day but suddenly the next season of AHS had the same theme as his script.

And that is all i got, if you have more please add. I think the fact that D took what he knew would be a mediocre project and projected his voice and story throughout it was pretty genius and a smart way to utilize this vehicle, that was clearly payout for so many that have used him for years and to shine a bright light on the truth.

elicc The “perfect song”’s performer is called Bailey Rouge, a clear link to TLOS.

He is a genius.

ajw720 @elicc damn, that was on my list and I forgot. And we all know who Red is inspired by, so seems fitting Bailey Rouge would get the perfect song.

ajw720. Just adding one more I thought about putting in my original post but admittedly think it’s a stretch. But maybe not? Just adding here for fun.

When Theo tells P to bottle up all his romantic feelings I couldn’t help but think of a certain chapter in a book

*******************************************

Oy Vei! Abby didn’t use her time away getting any therapy or perspective. She hasn’t learned any lessons. I have no doubt she’s been reading just as much as she did before and she’s speaking to Cassie, Flowers et al all day. It’s really sad. It’s sad that she can’t see how silly she sounds, what an asshole her version of Darren is. If she could restrain herself even a little bit it might come off less unhinged because turning every single moment of Royalties into some crisscolfer wet dream reeks of desperation.

Abby hates Royalties. In last week’s “Dear D” she had the audacity to say

....Fans that are beyond devoted and mainly because of the way you have treated fans with respect and a level of caring that far surpasses the majority of public figures. And while I am not enjoying the show itself, the music shows how diverse you are as a writer and how you can virtually write for anyone or any genre. The songs are fantastic. Memorable. And really fun.

She knows the the Langs wrote the show and Darren wrote the songs but what she can’t seem to comprehend is that Darren IS Royalties. Everything in the show is Darren’s.

Staying in the closet would be less painful than trying to express oneself through a short-form satirical comedy. Can you imagine trying to express your devastation and pain through Kick Your Shoes off or Break It In?

“I’m the king of the hard fuck....pile drive the bed like a young buck...if you like feathery shit thats pretty cool but I don’t need that...people say I fuck too soft, saying that I can’t please a woman”

BTW Abby- “call me goldilocks bitch” isn’t a reference to TLOS it’s a reference to Goldilocks and Three Bears because because he fucks perfect, not too soft, not too hard. It’s much more believable that he is referring to a random nursery rhyme than it is to believe he is referring to a children’s book his lover/husband/boyfriend wrote 8 years ago. You might love the book but Chris has moved on and written new things.

Darren wrote funny lyrics. I loved Kick Your Shoes Off because it’s written by a man whose watched his wife and female friends wear painful shoes for the same of fashion even though its painful as fuck.

“Yeah, I’m a bad bitch so don’t be mad bitch. I turned the room into a catwalk like a sad bitch. I can’t feel my toes in these stilettos. when I walk out my roomate says you’ll regret those....Beauty is pain but oh I look amazing. You won’t hear me complaining but oh my instep (inside?) is screaming...kick your shoes off (kick em off) ooooooo I do what I want..(Kick em off) ooooo Hey I can’t walk in these, blisters start to bleed now both my feet are swollen. Kick your shoes off (Kick em off).....It’s like i feel so good when my shoes are on, but like i also feel sooooo good when they are off”

Abby’s convinced I am So Much Better Than You is straight up about Mia because Mia is in the video. She listened to it on repeat the day after it came out. In her “Letter to D” last week she said

Especially after you made an effort to mock her for the entirety of Tuesday when her episode aired (and for the record I am still really, really proud of what you did with that episode and how you handled the roll out, that is the fighter I admire and that inspires me. I listened to I am so much better than you on repeat on my drive home from work yesterday).

Good Lord The lyrics are as silly as all the other songs: “My mirror wants to bone me (but it can’t because it’s a mirror)” How did Abby miss the obvious TLOS mirror/ Halloween costume reference here?

“You keep doing push ups while I get buff eating mac and cheese (with overpriced lobster and truffles because I’m worth it)”

“Some people say I’m a genius (which comes from the greek work for latin) Some other people will say yeah I’m right I’m a fucking genius (I’m not saying I’m a god but I’m not saying I’m not a god).

“And even when you sneeze, God blesses me, he blesses me. And even when you sneeze, god blesses me, he blesses me, he blesses me”

“I’m am so much better than you at everything”.

She believes Darren would be- and stay- married to a women that he publicly ridicules and attacks. I don’t get why she thinks that is something admirable .

She thinks Also You is referring to Ben living with them. Where to start with this one? She says

“Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on”

I’m gobsmacked. Also You is about Polyamory. She doesn’t even understand her own theories if she thinks that is the message Darren wants to share about Mia and Ben. In no world would someone try to proclaim their wife was cheating on them with a live-in houseguest by writing an episode called Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild. Also, someone needs to explain cuckholding to her because her theories about Ben and Mia make Darren a cuck.

OMG I just realized that Darren is a cuck and Royalties proves it. He hired Kether to be his costar in Royalties,...Kether is in You’re the Worst as Lindsay. Lindsay cuckholds her husband. Bam! mic drop.

Why isn’t Perfect Song about Mia, you know, if we are playing confirmation bias “No one is as good as you because you're my perfect song”

#CrissColfer #Darren Criss #Abby Speaks

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