#After I make food and maybe clean the house I just have nothing else to do? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laurfilijames · 1 month

Text

Breathe

Part 7

Pairing: Will 'Ironhead' Miller x female reader

Words: 6.9k

Warnings: Rated E, 18+. Swearing. Trauma/PTSD/nightmares/insomnia. Unprotected intercourse.

Summary: Unanswered questions amp up every emotion that time does nothing to lessen, and so much uncertainty raises the concern if everything will turn out okay or if moving on is the only answer.

A/N: Less hurt than the last chapter, I promise! Thank you to everyone who was so enthusiastic and responsive to it and made all that angst worth writing!

Photo by @avatarskingdom and edited by me. Please do not use without permission or credit. Headers by the wonderful @spaghettificationandpretzels!

Chapter Playlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

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You felt numb as much as you felt angry, scared and heartbroken.

It was all still so surreal, having to remind yourself constantly that Will broke up with you and was gone, the persistent sick feeling in your stomach growing with every thought of his life being at risk and that even though he was no longer yours, you might never see him again.

You did everything you could to understand his side of things, but with that your frustration increased wildly, the fact that he hadn't even given you the chance to be there for him stinging almost as much as him abandoning what you knew, or thought, you had.

Did he really believe you wouldn’t support him, that you didn’t care enough about him to give him space and time while he dealt with all the things he needed to, that your love for him simply wasn’t enough for him to want to hold onto while he was deployed, that everything you thought you had been building was broken and false?

The toaster popped, shooting your slice of bread out, making you jump after forgetting you were even waiting for it.

You ate because you had to, but food tasted bleak and flavourless, and everything that landed in your stomach felt like it sat there and made your nausea even worse.

You had made a whole lasagna earlier just because, giving you something to do for the better part of an hour, but the thought of eating it was so unappealing and you had the idea that maybe you would drop it off for Benny. Taking a bite out of the plain piece of toast, you thought how awful it might feel to go over to the Miller’s house right now, and decided against it, opting to freeze the lasagna for another time instead.

Another bite and the toast was in the trash, and you stood in the middle of your kitchen unmoving, not sure what to do with yourself next.

You hadn’t slept, and whether it was fatigue or just your grief pummeling you, you broke down and sobbed, your body shaking as the memory of Will holding you in his arms in this very spot flooded you, dancing one night while in the middle of cleaning up dinner, pausing almost anything in favour of stealing a piece of each other.

Work was a welcomed distraction, forcing you to go through the motions and function like everything was normal, able to allow you to bury your emotions for the course of a shift and nearly forget about what had happened, only to have it all come back the moment you got in your car and started your drive home, knowing you had nothing to look forward to.

You hadn’t been back to the gym since the day you saw both brothers there all beat up from their brawl with each other, your body too exhausted and weak to even consider working out, but as you sat at your kitchen table with nothing else to do, you went and changed into your gym clothes and drove over.

It was busy enough, observing the evening crowd enough to keep you entertained as you walked on the Stair Master, each step automatic and absent-minded.

Through a few people and machines you spotted Benny, resting on a bench between sets of chest presses, his smile and slightly awkward wave making you feel equally so, and as he stood and started weaving his way over to you, you felt bad that he probably felt obligated to talk to you.

You stopped the machine and stepped down, grabbing your things in the assumption you would probably feel like leaving after this conversation, your water bottle shaking in your hand that trembled with nerves and adrenaline.

“Hey,” Benny said, somewhat hesitantly.

“Hey, Benny,” you answered, smoothing your hand over your sweaty hair.

“How’re you doing?”

You sighed, looking down at the floor as you shook your head. “Do you want the fake answer or the honest one?”

Benny huffed a laugh in understanding. “You look like shit.”

You laughed out of disbelief, bringing yourself to look at him as he scratched his head and tried to recover.

“I mean- fuck.”

“No, I look like shit. Feel like it too,” you confirmed, reassuring his observations.

“Are you looking after yourself?” he asked, his face full of concern.

You shrugged, “As much as I can, I guess.”

He nodded, sympathetic to your feelings. “Are you eating? Sleeping?”

“Here and there. Not much of both if I’m honest.”

“Yeah, I get it. Just do your best even though it’s hard.”

You hummed. “Does it get any easier?”

He tilted his head a bit. “Does what get easier?”

“The worry, the waiting…”

“Oh, uh…” he pulled his ball cap up off his head, smoothed his hair back and placed it back on again, this time backwards. “Yeah, I guess we all just get used to it in a way. But I’d be lying if I said that everyday you’re half expecting to get that phone call…”

He saw the tears in your eyes well to the surface, and unlike most times, Benny felt a bit speechless.

“I can’t stop thinking about him,” you admitted, your words not even directed at Benny, but rather said aloud simply because you couldn’t keep them in.

“Ugh, I’m sorry,” you went on, wiping your eyes and shaking your head like it would suddenly shake away your feelings. “I’m gonna get going, see you later.”

“Yeah, of course,” Benny responded, his voice soft. “Hey,” he called after you, making you pause and turn half-way to face him.

“Just don’t give up on him yet.”

You gave a weak smile. “I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

You made it to your car before you really fell apart, the tears coming down your face so hot and fast you could barely see to unlock the door, and when you flopped down into the seat, you rested your head against the steering wheel and wept.

The most overwhelming sense of panic came over you, taking control over everything and trapping you in it, your mind racing with every horrible thought imaginable, and before you could realize, your breathing had turned short and gasping, your mouth desperately trying to suck in air between sobs.

Your hands wrapped around yourself, squeezing you tighter than the grip of the anxiety attack was, feeling your whole body shaking and trembling and all you wanted to do was scream.

That was when Will’s soothing voice popped in your head, urging you to focus on your breaths and count each one, the sound of the numbers in his even tone allowing you to stop the panic, and you began counting out loud until your breathing eventually leveled out.

How could the same person who was the reason you were feeling this way manage to help calm you, you thought, exhaling slowly as everything around you started to come into focus again.

You ran your hands over your face, your body still shaking with each inhalation though they had become more regular, knowing that as much as you were hurt and betrayed, you still loved Will more than you could imagine loving anything.

Benny’s phone rang not thirty seconds after he’d just hung up, Will’s number lighting up his screen suspiciously close to him ending his conversation with Tom.

He pressed the green button to answer it, and before he could even get out a ‘hey’, Will’s voice stopped him.

“Are you checking up on me?”

“Uhh-”

“I heard Redfly talking to you, idiot.”

Benny scratched his head, trying to gauge which way this was about to go.

“If you’re wondering how I am, just ask me, Ben.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes that’s easier said than done,” he quipped, recalling how many forced conversations they’d had lately where Will gave short, vague answers to everything.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

Benny sighed, lifting his arm up in exasperation before letting it fall and hit his side, “I dunno, man, I just thought I’d get a truthful answer out of Redfly over you. He’s with you every day and can tell how you are.”

He heard Will sigh, and Benny took the pause as a chance to give his brother the opportunity to tell him for himself.

“So, how are you, then?”

Will sighed heavily again. “I don’t fucking know anymore. Okay, I guess?” he said, his uncertainty clear.

“Tom said things are going well with the op, and despite it all you seem like you’ve got your head in the game.”

“Yeah, that’s all fine,” Will explained, like his role as a Captain on this tour was the least of his worries. “It’s everything else…”

“Yeah…” Benny agreed, holding space for Will to continue.

“How’s she doing? Have you seen her?”

“Saw her at the gym yesterday,” Benny said carefully, trying to decide if it would be better or worse to tell him she wasn’t doing well, but ultimately knowing if he wanted Will to be honest, he would have to be too. “She’s not doing good, man.”

Will was silent, making Benny pull the phone away from his ear to check if the call had dropped or not.

“I can’t believe I did this to her,” he said quietly.

“Yeah, well,” Benny said flatly, “What’s done is done, now you just have to focus on finishing this job and getting back home so you can fix it.”

“Do you think there will be anything left to fix?”

Benny blew the air out of his mouth slowly. “That’s up to you two. If you both want it to work out…”

“That’s what I’m worried about. By the time I get back she’ll have moved on and learned to hate me.”

“You don’t know that,” Benny countered. Able to tell the expression that would be on Will’s face right now, he continued. “She still loves you man.”

“I wish she didn’t. She deserves better, not this shit…”

Benny’s heart ached for his brother, hating that he was going through this on top of being back in action, praying his stress didn’t get the better of him or be the cause of any fatal mistakes.

“Listen, man, I gotta go,” Will spoke, his voice weak and quiet.

“Yeah, okay. Be careful out there.”

“Always.”

The beep of the call ending sounded in Benny’s ear before there was even the chance to consider saying anything else, and he hoped Will would hang onto the thought that maybe it wasn’t all lost yet.

Days turned into weeks, but the amount of time that was passing didn’t help to make things feel any better, making you wonder every day if it would ever stop hurting.

Anger grew as you wracked your brain combing through every detail of every conversation and act that could've led to this, wondering where it was that you went wrong, but you still couldn’t pinpoint the moment Will gave up on loving you or what it was that made him peel away. It almost hurt just as much as him being gone did, unable to know what the cause was so you could try to rectify it and simply get closure as to why it ended, your heart like an open wound that would never heal.

You looked at yourself in the mirror one last time before exiting your room, on your way to meet two of your girlfriends for a quiet drink, your attempts to refuse unaccepted.

You couldn’t deny that it would possibly help get your mind off of Will, but you knew it was futile as everything you did and everywhere you went, he was there.

“That guy can’t stop looking over here at you,” Grace said through a grin as she nudged you with her elbow, and you twisted in your chair slightly to follow her gaze.

You took a sip of your wine as you assessed the man with dark brown hair and brown eyes staring directly at you, his smile bright and clean, his lips plump and inviting.

You said nothing as you turned back to your friends, raising your eyebrows as if that was a response that would appease anyone.

“Come on, he’s gorgeous!” Nicole urged, tilting her head indignantly.

“I never said he wasn’t!” you defended, but in your head all you could think was how he wasn’t Will.

“You need a rebound fuck,” Grace suggested, and the thought made your stomach flip.

“I’m not ready for any of that yet,” you admitted, hoping they would understand how raw everything still felt.

“We know,” Nicole sympathized, giving your hand a squeeze as she placed hers overtop, and you knew they would support you in anything whether it was continuing to miss Will with every part of your being or hooking up with the next man who walked by.

“Oh shit, he’s coming over,” Grace blurted, adjusting in her seat as a wide smile appeared on her face.

Your heart plummeted in your gut, and you sighed, praying this wouldn’t be as horribly awkward as you were expecting it to be, trying to find the energy to be kind and cordial despite not wanting to.

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” a deep, smooth voice purred behind you, and you felt the demand of his presence as he stood beside your chair.

His eyes were even more alluring up close, and his crooked smirk was equally charming as it was sexy, the dark scruff around his mouth complimenting his olive complexion.

You swallowed, feeling unable to find words, and with a low chuckle, it prompted him to continue.

“I couldn’t help but want to come over to say hi and introduce myself.” He spoke with such confidence, his voice so seductive. “I’m Cam.”

He held out his hand for you to shake, and you did, feeling your hand tremble slightly before he took it in a firm grip and moved it up and down once on your behalf.

You introduced yourself as well as Nicole and Grace who you wanted to kick under the table for how they were gawking at him, but not as much as you wanted to crawl under it to hide away as he pulled out a chair from the empty table beside yours and took a seat.

“Can I get you ladies another round?”

“Oh, yes please!” the girls chimed, seeming completely enthusiastic about him joining you.

You assessed his hand for any ring as he waved the waitress over, requesting for the same drinks to be brought to the table, feeling relieved there was no band wrapped around his ring finger, but something about him still felt off to you.

He’s not Will, your mind reminded you, and you took a long drink of your wine to try to swallow the sour feeling stirring in your gut.

It was comfortable enough talking to him, even catching yourself laughing at some of the things he said and genuinely having a good time, but every time you felt yourself liking something about him, there was one thing you found you didn’t.

He’s not Will.

You found yourself lost in his chocolate eyes as he spoke to you, imagining instead they were clear blue and held a brightness that reflected the love you had learned to see shine through them, only to be reminded that that wasn’t something that existed for you anymore, and you blinked back to the reality you faced.

“Would it be too forward of me if I asked for your number?” Cam asked, his eyebrows raising on his forehead in a hopeful, but confident expression.

“Hm, yeah, sure,” you replied, picking his phone up from the table that he slid over to you and typed your number into a text message along with your name, sending it to yourself.

“I’ll call you,” he said, standing from his seat where he continued to smile at you.

Your eyes followed him as he walked over to the bar to pay his tab, feeling something stir in you as he looked back over his shoulder at you one last time before he sauntered out of the bar, everything about him charming and gorgeous.

But he wasn’t Will.

“Are you going to go out with him?” Nicole asked excitedly, the looks on both your friend’s faces confusing you like you missed something they hadn’t.

“Umm,” you pondered, trying to wrap your head around the situation, the three glasses of wine making your head feel fuzzy. “I- I don’t know.”

You felt like crying, feeling a sense of guilt and anxiety bubble up in you, like you were betraying Will and being unfaithful despite the reminder that he wasn’t yours slapping you in the face and twisting your heart in your chest.

A few days had passed since your night out with the girls, and as expected, a text from Cam had come through asking to take you for dinner, the invitation sitting ignored and unresponded to in your messages.

Every time you opened your phone to reply, you would see Will’s name a few spots down from Cam’s, the contrast between them and what was past and what was present making you wish more than ever that you could go back in time and try to mend whatever it was that took Will away from you.

You didn't recall ever being so irritable, your temper short and your patience gone, a toss up whether you would scream or cry at the drop of a hat becoming the daily gamble.

The gym didn’t even seem to allay these frustrations, and as you tried to adjust the height of the rack bracket and it got stuck, you felt that blanket of red creeping up through you.

Cursing under your breath, you wiggled the pin again and again, tugging and jostling it to try to get it to move, the clanking of the metal against metal drawing attention over to you by prying, judging eyes.

“Need help?”

You sighed with relief, hearing the familiar voice that belonged to Benny, closing your eyes and counting your breaths as he stepped in and adjusted it for you.

“Thank you,” you muttered, avoiding meeting his eyes as shame washed over you.

“You alright?”

You forced the air out of your lungs again, still not meeting his piercing gaze.

“I'm just so angry and there's nothing I can do about it,” you admitted, your tone defeated.

“I understand that,” Benny drawled, leaning against the squat rack.

You felt him studying you, almost as if he was debating saying something.

“He asks about you every time I talk to him…”

It felt like the wind was knocked right out of you, and somehow you managed to speak.

“He does?”

Your bewilderment seemed to confuse Benny, his face screwed up as he looked at you like it was the most obvious and normal thing.

“Yeah?”

You covered your face with your hands, letting out a growl that did nothing to signify your frustration at the situation.

“I still don’t know what I did wrong. He stopped staying the night and became more and more distant each time I saw him…” You paused briefly, trying to put your thoughts in order. “Then he just stopped altogether and the next time we spoke he ended it, and now you’re saying he asks about me?”

“He didn’t tell you about his nightmare?” Benny asked, his shock blatant.

You shook your head, your brows knitted tightly together. “No?”

Benny sighed and rolled his eyes, shifting on his feet as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Jesus Christ…okay,” he groaned, exasperated by his brother’s ability to consistently make things worse.

You stood there unmoving as Benny explained what had happened, going over all the details Will had told him of his nightmare and his reactions to it, and you felt cold despite having worked up a sweat from what you had done in your routine already.

“I told him he wouldn't actually hurt you but he was so messed up from it. I think it was days before he managed to sleep after that,” Benny said, his tone sad. “I've only seen him that distraught after a nightmare a couple times before.”

“Why wouldn’t he have said anything to me?” you asked, your voice a whisper.

Benny shrugged, “I think he was scared. And then knowing he was leaving on top of it…it was just too much for him.”

You nodded, rubbing your hands on your arms for some sort of comfort, feeling like your heart was breaking all over again, but this time for Will rather than because of him.

“I’m not making excuses for him,” Benny went on, leaning with his arms up on the barbell that hung across the rack. “I don’t agree with what he did, I just know how messy things can get in that head of his, and as his brother I kinda always have to have his back, but it doesn't mean I’m on his side.”

You nodded, at a loss for words as your mind tried to process everything.

It was a helpless feeling, having some sort of understanding now but unable to do anything about it, wondering if you should send Will a message or have Benny pass one along, but all you wanted to tell him was you loved him and that was probably something he didn’t need right now.

“Thanks for telling me,” you said softly, all of your anger replaced with sadness and worry, your heart aching in your chest.

Time continued to pass but did nothing to heal, each day marking another one gone without a word between you and Will, leaving you more unclear than ever at what to do, feeling that if he wanted anything to do with you, he would’ve reached out by now.

Not wanting to put Benny in the middle of it, you never once asked him to interfere or treated him as a messenger, only asking how his brother was doing when he hadn’t told you on his own and thankful that he usually would provide an update anyway knowing you were wondering.

The last time you saw the younger Miller you had dropped off a week’s worth of food, having prepped a variety of high fat and carb meals, helping to get him ready for his upcoming fights in a new weight class.

Cooking for Benny was just the type of distraction you needed, feeling useful and productive and able to put this latent energy into something good for someone else, offering to make his meals for him each week so he didn’t have to worry about his nutrition while focusing on his training.

He had told you as he helped unload all the food from your car that Will was due to return home soon, a matter of days or weeks but there was no exact date yet, and every time you went to the gym or to the grocery store, you braced yourself for a run-in with the man you couldn’t stop thinking about.

You finished washing your face and brushing your teeth, checking your phone one last time before leaving it on your dresser for the night, never getting used to the disappointment you felt at not seeing a sweet message from Will like you used to whenever he wasn’t with you, and still holding hope that whenever it did buzz with a text, it would be Benny saying Will was back.

Your anxiousness was getting the better of you, feeling like it was worsening each day to the point you were struggling to sleep even more than what had now become your normal, never resting for more than a couple of hours at a time if you were lucky.

So many things passed through your mind in those hours spent awake, some of which consisted of that outstanding offer for a date with Cam, not declining it yet despite knowing it was something you didn’t want anything to do with. Nicole and Grace would still bring it up whenever you talked but didn’t put any pressure on you, both of them knowing deep down you were happiest with Will, and you weren’t about to jeopardize any remaining chance with him until you knew for sure that there was an absolute finality to your relationship.

Not feeling tired but knowing you needed to try to sleep, you crawled into bed, nestling yourself under the covers on the side that Will used to occupy, closing your eyes in hopes your mind would drum up the memory of his arms wrapped around you.

You knew you shouldn't do it, knowing it wasn't helping you move on and that some might deem it unhealthy, but every time you laid in bed you imagined him with you and it was becoming the only thing that would get you to sleep.

It had been your haven; the warmth of his body and your limbs tired and wonderfully achy from sex providing all the comfort you needed to drift off, both of you usually able to sleep soundly with the exception of Will having the occasional nightmare until his mind plagued him with the one that he couldn’t get past.

How could it be so wrong to go back to a time when a version of you didn't haunt his dreams, when you had brought each other nothing but love and understanding and a sense of safety and security? You kept replaying what Benny had told you about his nightmare over and over, the sense of guilt you had over it working to torture you just as much as the dream tormented Will.

You sighed, squeezing your eyelids tight, doing everything in your power to recall the feel of his lips on your neck, his breath ghosting over your skin as he wished you goodnight, his beard scratching against you in the most addicting way as he tucked his face as close to yours as he could.

Tears started to spring from your eyes the harder you shut them, thinking how you would give it all up in a heartbeat so Will could be happy and live a life with all of his worries put at ease even if it meant you couldn’t be a part of it.

Will picked at the frayed laces on his boot as he listened to the dial tone, one leg bent to rest on his knee while waiting for Benny to pick up, excited to share the news that he was flying home tomorrow and to get an update on Benny’s training, knowing he had been working hard to put on the last few pounds needed to put him in the Light Heavyweight class.

“Sup, bro?” he finally answered, out of breath.

“Hey, Ben. You running?”

“Just in the middle of some light spars. Got my first fight tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah, buddy!” he hollered, his excitement palpable through the phone.

“That’s awesome, Benny,” Will praised, proud of his brother for reaching his goal.

“How’re you doing?” Benny panted.

“I’m okay,” he paused, planting his foot down so both were on the ground and scratching his head. “Coming in tomorrow.”

“Fuck, seriously?”

“Yeah…”

“Shit. The fight is in Fort Myers, I can’t pick you up, man.”

Will tried his best to disguise his disappointment, his leg bouncing as he tried to level his voice.

“It’s fine, I’ll take a cab or get Redfly to drop me off,” he suggested, knowing he wouldn’t even ask his friend since Tom would be so eager to be reunited with his girls.

Benny sighed, “You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal. I’m just sorry I’ll miss that fight.”

“There will be more, don’t worry,” he assured. “Safe flight home, eh?”

“Thanks Benny. Good luck tomorrow. Knock ‘em dead.”

Benny chuckled, “Yeah, I will. See you soon, bro.”

Will ended the call and sat for a minute, the bit of excitement he felt about coming home diminished, feeling a sense of dejection that he officially had no one there for him.

He considered all of his options, the thought of reaching out to you even crossing his mind, but knew that he couldn’t and he would just have to settle for whatever warm welcome the cab driver wouldn’t provide him.

He blew air out of his mouth slowly, starting to feel like he couldn't capture a proper breath, closing his eyes as the sense of self-inflicted and well-deserved dread he was now accustomed to consumed him.

One, two, three…he counted, the numbers switching from the sound of his own voice to yours, repeating them with each breath in and out until he secured a consistent pattern.

Tomorrow.

You knew what it meant without any other context, the single word appearing on your screen from Benny making your heart jump into your throat, and you grabbed the edge of the countertop behind you with shaky hands as you leaned against it.

He had promised to tell you when he knew for sure and here it was, the day you had hoped for for so long, but one you were also terrified for.

Will was coming home.

As a slew of emotions ran through you, it dawned on you that his arrival happened to be on the same day as Benny’s fight, and you wondered if that meant anyone would be there to welcome him home.

You picked up your phone to reply to Benny, thinking of asking him who was planning to pick Will up from base, but as soon as you started typing the message, you hit the arrow to delete it, putting your phone back down on the counter.

It wasn’t your business, you told yourself, fighting every urge to make it yours, the thought of Wil returning home from the hells he faced with no one there for him breaking your heart.

You figured you were the last person he would want to see anyway, and knowing you had the potential to send him even more over the edge made you feel sick, thinking of how much had changed from when you were the one who used to bring him peace.

The flight was long, and it felt like every muscle in Will’s body ached as he walked off the plane and waited to board the bus that would bring them to the base station, feeling so close but still so far from being home.

There was continuous chatter around him, the excitement of all the soldiers about reuniting with their loved ones making Will feel happy and sad at the same time, and he did his best to seem enthused when asked if he was looking forward to going home.

He checked his phone more times than he needed to, having sent Benny a text that he had landed to which he responded with a thumbs up emoji, part of him hoping that there would be something from you, only to remember he didn’t deserve any grace for his actions.

He was getting everything he deserved, he thought as he pressed his head back against the headrest after sitting down, sighing out slowly while closing his eyes, finding it amusing that being alone was something he was both looking forward to and completely dreading.

It wasn’t long before the bus arrived at base, and Will remained in his seat until everyone else had gotten off, not wanting his fellow troops who were so eager to hold their loved ones to be held up by him who was only going to wait for a fucking cab.

He slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way through people hugging, a weak smile forming on his lips in seeing one of his friends holding his newborn baby, and not far off did he watch Tom embrace both of his daughter’s in his arms, picking them up and swinging them around until they were screaming with delight.

After making his way to the doors, he pulled out his phone and looked up the number for a taxi, rubbing his other hand over his tired eyes roughly, praying it wouldn’t take long for one to show up.

The area he stood in was quiet with everyone else still lingering behind, but he glanced up when he noticed a couple walking past hand-in-hand, pausing to steal a kiss.

Will was about to hit the number to dial for Taxi Tampa when he looked up again, his eyes landing on a familiar face and one he couldn’t forget even if he tried.

You had just walked in and were stopped in your tracks as you noticed him at the same time, your face a mix of so many emotions that Will could hardly pick one out.

You gave a small shrug and shook your head, silently explaining that you didn’t really know what you were doing there, and Will all but choked as he tried to take a breath, his shock in seeing you completely overwhelming.

He dropped his bag and let his phone fall on top of it, stepping toward you in purposeful strides, his eyes welling up just the same as yours were.

“I wasn’t sure if I should even come but…I had to show up for you,” you shook out, Will’s hands reaching to cup your face, his thumbs smoothing your cheeks as tears started to fall down them.

He nodded in response, unable to say anything, his own tears breaking their threshold as you grabbed onto his forearms, rubbing them through his shirt as he continued to hold onto you.

He pulled you into a hug, relieved when you embraced him just as hard, feeling himself relax into you, his face nuzzling your head.

“I’m sorry,” he cried, alternating his remorse with ‘thank you’ between pressing kisses onto your forehead and hair, your sobs making your body lurch against his.

Your hands pawed at his back, clawing at his fatigues like you were trying to hold onto him for good, and Will prayed with everything he had that you never would let go.

He wasn’t sure how long you stayed like that for, but he eventually felt himself calm down, relishing in holding you and being in your presence again, knowing he would do everything in his power to make every bit of hurt up to you.

Will inhaled deeply, letting it go slowly out of his mouth, feeling like he could finally breathe properly again after all this time.

It was surreal to be in his arms, his warm embrace something you missed more than you imagined you could have, the feel of his body on yours and his scent surrounding you so familiar.

His heartbeat thrummed in your ear as you continued to rest your face on his chest, hearing his breathing having evened out and realizing yours had done the same.

You reluctantly pulled away to look at him, still keeping your arms locked around his middle. “Should we get you home?”

Will’s mouth turned up on one side, his crooked smirk making you melt.

“Yeah,” he nodded, his hand falling to land on your lower back as you both turned to where his bag was left on the floor.

You expected a moment like this to feel awkward, but it was anything but, like you were learning each other all over again, standing in Will’s room with your arms around each other’s waist, your faces so close and your lips inches from touching.

Finally, Will leaned into you, softly pressing his lips on yours, making you hold your breath as you let your eyes close and kissed him back, a broken moan transferring into his mouth as you forced yourself to try to take in air again.

His hand ran across your back, pulling you close to him as he took a step into you, your shirt slipping up so his palm splayed out on your skin, that sensation alone making you shiver in addition to how good it felt to have his lips on yours again.

Kisses grew more intense as each second ticked by, only pausing when he lifted your shirt over your head, and despite feeling so desperate, you both continued to keep every touch slow and careful.

His fingers pinched the clasp of your bra together to release it, moving the straps down your shoulders until it fell from your body, returning his hands to your arms where he trailed his fingertips up them to your neck and then down to your bare chest.

You found the buttons on his shirt, blindly unfastening each one until you were able to peel it open, feeling his smooth chest and the defined muscles of his torso, his warmth radiating out onto you.

Will reached up to take hold of your face, angling your head to press his tongue deeper in your mouth, stealing every bit of air from you in the process.

Breathe, your mind begged, but kissing him was better than breathing.

The rough material of his fatigues brushed against your nipples, making your breath hitch in your throat even more, your body moving to rub against him again to replicate the feeling.

You were rid of your pants and underwear next, leaving you naked while Will remained in his uniform, but the intoxicating feel of your skin on his bare chest let him know that he needed to have as much skin-on-skin contact as possible, and he tore the garment off his upper body quickly before moving to his pants.

Once you were bared to each other, you returned to your slow caresses, touching and exploring with light fingers and hands, your pleasure brought on purely by love.

You stopped kissing him for a moment, teasing your lips on his until you managed to whisper, your voice thick with lust.

“I need you, Will. I need you inside me.”

His nose nudged your cheek as he agreed with the nod of his head, his hands clasping your face again like he feared if he went too long without kissing you, you would vanish.

He took your hand and led you to the bed, sitting down on it and shifted back slightly where you followed, straddling his lap and wrapping your arms around his neck, looking into his vibrantly blue eyes as he gazed at you lovingly.

His hands slid all along your back, bringing you closer to his body before they landed on your legs, guiding you to put them straight so they were behind him and you were seated flush against his lap.

You breathed out slowly as your forehead rested against his, feeling his cock settle at your folds, and when you moved your hips ever so slightly, you gasped at the sensation.

Will kissed along your jawline, his hands massaging your hips, ready to assist as you lifted yourself enough to reach between your bodies and take hold of his cock, guiding him to your entrance where you slowly sank onto his length.

Short, shuddered breaths were exchanged between you before you found each other’s lips again, and you gradually began to move together, finding a tempo that sang to you and helped display the love that had been missing.

Will held onto every part of you that he could, grasping at you as you rocked and rode him, his hips jutting up into yours in slow, meticulous thrusts to give you everything you needed, feeling your desperation grow while his did too.

Your clit rubbed against the coarse hairs above his cock, grinding until you were at the edge, the way your wet walls clenched around and encased him driving him to the brink what felt like faster than ever.

Even though you were both quick to arrive at your climaxes, nothing about it was rushed, savouring each movement to get there and not taking a single second for granted, every emotion felt transferred through your bodies.

Will kissed you hard, groaning into your mouth as he came undone, coating your walls and filling you completely with his hot cum that started to leak out of you as you continued to move on his shaft, your orgasm lagging just seconds behind.

Your fingers clawed at the back of his neck, scratching and digging into his flesh as your body took every bit of pleasure from him, the seal of your mouths breaking as you both panted for air, his head falling into the hollow of your neck while yours rested on the side of his, his hair soft on your cheek.

His mouth smeared wet across your collarbone as he moved his face, pressing sloppy, lazy kisses onto your skin as he continued to hold you close, feeling his chest and back expand and contract with each heavy breath while you kept your arms secured around him.

Will brought you with him as he laid down on his sheets, your bodies still connected, his fingertips tracing your hairline before he leaned toward you and kissed your lips again.

After a few more minutes of kissing, you tucked your face into his neck, your legs entwining with his, Will rolling over onto his back where he held your hand and brought it to rest on his chest.

A silent agreement seemed to settle between you to leave the talking until tomorrow, right now needing to simply be with each other, and like nothing had ever gone wrong, Will closed his eyes and fell asleep, his mind and body finding a peace he didn’t think he would ever have again.

---

Part 8

Taglist:

@sotwk @dailydragon08 @sunnys-day @thedreadandthefugitivemind @glassgulls

@littlenosoul @glitterypirateduck @momia2910 @maggotzombie @rmwarn90

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@christinhunnam @hp-hogwartsexpress

#will miller #triple frontier #will miller x female reader #charlie hunnam #will miller x reader #will 'ironhead' miller #will miller smut #william miller #william 'ironhead' miller #charlie hunnam characters

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inkdrinkerworld · 8 months

Text

High Hopes pt2

Cw: dealer!remus, weed, recreational smoking, food, mention of parental abuse, nightmares, fluff, friends to lovers

Wc: 8.7k

part one

✧ ✧ ✧

You and Remus don’t speak about the bed sharing accident till mid summer, when you and Marlene invite him and his friends to your annual cookout.

You’d asked months in advance to use your family cottage in the countryside for your party and despite every jab and snide remark your family had made in the months leading up to the event, you refused to retaliate and make them change their minds about loaning you the house.

“Make sure you tell everyone to bring swimsuits, Marl, the lake is gorgeous.”

You’d gone up to the house a day before everyone else, wanting to ensure that everything was clean and that you’d have enough room for everyone to have at most two people in a room.

“Lupin, looks like you’re gonna have to bring those swimmies anyway!” you hear her yell to Remus who’s currently under packing by the sounds of it.

“Tell him he has to! Everyone has to go swimming ‘cause there’s a boat that takes you to the best part of the lake.” You say down the phone as you slide the last case of sodas into the fridge.

“I can hear you just fine, pretty girl. I’m not doing anything mad with you lot, you and Marlene are chaotic enough when you’re together.”

Marlene snickers and wishes you goodbye before you can even try to defend your mentality when you and Marlene meet in one room.

As the day drones on, you organise the firewood in a pile near the pit, thin blankets on the sofa as well as the beds, and you even make a couple burritos for breakfast in the morning.

As you go about your skincare, your phone rings and your body tenses. With one hand on your face, you take a peek at your phone and let out a breathy sigh at ‘Moony’ flashing on the screen with a video call.

“You’re there by yourself?” he asks as soon as you answer, taking a little time to prop your phone up on the sink as you rub your serum into your face.

“Mhm, I’m a big girl Remus, ‘ve locked the doors already and everything.” He knows you’re teasing him, and though you’ve got a playful smile, he frowns. He’s not a major fan of you being there by yourself.

“I know you are, s’just far.” you let out a giggle as you take a look at his worried face.

“Promise I’m safe Rem. The house has an alarm.” you placate him anyway, and take him through the virtual motions of your nighttime skincare routine.

“Do you want me to come there earlier?” he asks as you put everything back into your makeup bag.

“Remus,” you laugh and watch as he smiles. “You’re bringing Sirius, James, Lily, and Marlene. You can’t come up earlier.”

Remus scoffs and shows the floor where Sirius and Marlene are sleeping.

“James and Lils are down the hall, I can make them get up earlier to be there at like eight.”

You shake your head. The way your heart warms at his worry for you and his insistence that he wants to be there earlier is instantaneous and unstoppable.

“You’re going to make me think you’re obsessed with me.”

Remus gives you a small smile, one you’ve learnt is actually a big smile in Remus’ books- but says nothing.

“Do you want me to bring brownies or cookies? ‘Ve got both, but I’m pretty sure Sirius and James have had from the brownies.”

He rolls his neck and then his shoulder as he waits for your response and you watch a small frown play on his lips.

You slide on your glasses and hum, “Maybe cookies, especially if they’re oatmeal raisin.”

Remus nods, a little bewitched as he watches you putting on a lip mask. He saw you in your glasses a couple days after Marlene’s party, when he dropped off your shoes and took back his sweater, even after insisting you keep it.

He couldn’t help but think that you were even more gorgeous with the wide framed glasses than you are with your contacts then, and now he thinks the exact same thing- especially with your bunny pyjamas.

“I’ll keep that in mind, pretty girl.” Remus watches you crawl under your sheets and tries not to look creepy, but it’s intimate and he feels like you’re both a couple, rather than a couple of friends.

“G’night Rem,” you yawn, face tucked into something Remus can’t quite make out in the dark room.

“G’night pretty girl,” Remus waits till you’re asleep to hang up and when he does, his head falls into his pillow with a sigh.

The next morning, you’re reheating your burritos on a comal when Marlene texts you that they’re thirty minutes away and starving.

You laugh at the picture she sends you of James and Lily occupying most of the space in the backseat asleep while she’s squished to the door.

By the time you’re opening all the doors, and going out to water some of your plants, you see Remus’ car pulling up the driveway.

You’re still in your pyjamas, bunnies covering your pants and tank top and your glasses are still on but you can’t really find it in you to care.

“Bubbles! Are you putting on a show for me?” Marlene screeches as she practically jumps out of the car and pulls you into a bone crushing hug.

“Oh yeah, are you aroused?” you laugh as you set down the watering can.

“Mhm, extremely.”

Remus joins you after and you give him a small smile as his hand reaches to brush your lower back.

“G’morning,” he whispers, voice raspy like he’s just smoked. “Cute pyjamas.”

You bite the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling.

“Angel, this is a pretty sweet place!” Sirius gives you a side hug and drops a kiss to your forehead.

“Thanks Sirius,”

You greet James and Lily who seem upset they’re awake so early but they manage to give you a smile. “There’s breakfast on the counter.” Everyone besides Remus rushes into the house.

“Babe you’re the best!” you hear Marlene shout and you smile.

“You’re not hungry, Lupin?”

He shakes his head, “Not till you’re going to have something.”

You feel your heart gallop at the ease with which he says the words and you try hard to keep those feelings from rising up to your face.

“Fine, but there’s lots of flowers to water.” it takes you all of ten minutes and you make it back in the house in time to get the last burrito.

“We can share,” you say to Remus who’s halfway to protesting when Marlene kicks his shin.

You’re cutting the burrito in half when she mouths, ‘Share with her.’

“Whatever you want, pretty girl.” he says instead of, ‘No, y’can have it,’ like he’d wanted to. Your bright smile as he accepts it makes eating at eight in the morning not seem like a strange thing. Especially when you opt for sitting next to him at the breakfast nook.

Your thigh presses into his, elbows brushing every time you shift. It’s weird in the way that it comforts you- you’ve known him for less than a month and you’ve slept in the same bed and become intertwined in each other’s routines, and when he’s this close you’re just a regular girl, with no issues at home.

Marlene leaves first and before you can ask her she says, “I’m gonna set the kettle on,”

You give her a smile and blow a kiss that makes Sirius pout.

Remus barely conceals his smirk at his best friend’s obvious attraction to Marlene.

“Did you bring your mug?” she asks and Remus turns away from Sirius to look towards the kitchen.

“I did, s’in the cupboard.”

He turns to you and raises an eyebrow.

“What mug?”

You set your half eaten burrito down and jerk your chin to where Marlene is holding the mug that resembles a dinosaur.

“It’s not good by any means, but I love him.”

Marlene runs to her bag to pull out another dinosaur mug that leaves Sirius pouting even harder.

“Where was I when this mug making trip was taken, hm?” he asks, James and Remus roll their eyes and you swear they mutter, “Brat,” but don’t say anything.

Marlene responds to him, “Probably riding your motorcycle to the hairdressers? You weren’t hanging out with us Siri- it’s a me and Bubbles thing.”

Marlene blows you a kiss this time that Sirius reaches across the table to ‘snatch’ before it reaches you.

“You’re a lot more jealous than I thought you’d be,” you say gently to Sirius who flushes a little pink.

“M’not.” but his voice goes up an octave as he says it.

“There’s more mugs in the cupboards over the stove if anyone else wants tea.” you say, turning to Lily who’s just a little bit quiet.

“You can go upstairs and take a nap if you need to,” she gives you a gentle smile and yawns before she can say thank you.

When Marlene comes round with your tea, James and Lily are heading upstairs to get a bit more hours in and Sirius is taking Marlene back outside under the guise of, ‘getting a feel for the land’ but you’re pretty sure he just wants to love on her.

Again you’re left with Remus and you don’t mind it one bit.

“When’s the next mug making trip?” he asks as you take a sip of tea and relax against him.

“Oh don’t tell me you’re jealous too, Lupin.”

He only shakes his head, “Of Marls? No, I just want to have a mug with that much,” he pauses as he searches for the right word while he looks at your very deformed bright purple dinosaur with green spots. “character.” is what he settles on.

“That’s an interesting word choice,” you take another sip. “Maybe when we get back to the city.”

Remus’ll take that any day.

“What’s the first order of business?” he asks and you turn to him,

“Grocery run, I didn’t know what everyone ate or didn’t eat so I didn’t want to get anything more than stuff for breakfast.”

Remus nods, his hand falling to your hips to pull you a little closer. His thumb rubs the exposed skin there from where your shirt has rode up as you finish your tea.

“We can go and come back, pretty sure James is snoring and Sirius,” he pauses and you laugh. “Sirius is distracted.”

“I’ve gotta shower first though.” Remus doesn’t seem to mind the implied wait.

“So I’ll watch a film,” it’s how sincere he sounds when he says things like that that causes your heart rate to pick up. “Seriously, pretty girl. Go shower, do your hair, whatever you want to. I’ll wait.”

Remus only has to wait a half hour before you come back down to the living room and he thinks you’re as beautiful as ever when he sees you.

You’re in a pair of white washed overalls and a cute top underneath that has flowers embroidered on the sleeves and your hair is down.

“M’ready,” you say as you shove your feet into a pair of sneakers and Remus stands.

“I took everyone’s snack orders and I think Sirius and Marlene are gonna be sunburnt by the time we get back.”

You’re confused as to what he means till you walk outside and spot them sleeping on the porch’s swing set.

“Maybe the sun will have pity on them.” You doubt it will.

Remus insists on letting you sit in the trolley as you shop, “Someone has to sit, usually it’s Sirius,” he explains as he helps you into the trolley, “but someone has to.”

Ten minutes into being carted around, you come to realise you love it.

You’re sitting in the basket, grabbing bags of crisps, chocolates and two sacks of flour that make Remus raise his eyebrow.

“I’m making dinner,” you say and Remus shakes his head.

“This is supposed to be a vacation; for everyone.” There’s a hidden meaning behind that but you choose not to dwell on Remus’ kind words.

“But I was gonna make a steak and ale pie,” you say as you reach for a tin of vanilla sugar. “And vanilla buns for dessert.”

“That’s all, pretty girl. I want you to relax too, you don’t have to cook for us all weekend.”

“But I like doing it,” you try to argue but Remus stands firm.

“Tonight only, I’ll make breakfast tomorrow.”

“What about dinner tomorrow night?” you ask with a mischievous glint in your eyes and Remus scoffs but it sounds more like a chuckle.

“We’ll figure that out then,” he puts an extra crate of eggs beside you and sneaks a small tub of vanilla extract too.

Remus pays before you can swipe your card and levels you with a look that says, ‘too slow,’ but it also makes your belly swim with something else.

All your friends always leave you to pick up the tab when you go out and while you don’t mind, you can’t remember the last time someone even offered to pay for a meal for you - even on a date.

By the time dinner’s ready, you’re all a little buzzed on beer and have all ‘sampled’ a bun before dinner.

Dinner with your new friends is different to how it is at home. Everyone talks, shares odd stories and makes jokes. There’s no tense silence, no awkward questions to try to lead into conversation- just genuine conversation that makes your heart swell a little.

“Movie night?” Marls asks as Remus and James wash the dishes- they both insisted after you cooked.

“What do you usually watch?” Lily asks and Marlene smiles. She’s the one that came up with this movie rotation all those years ago.

“Horror, comedy and then animation,” she says excitedly, “We haven’t made it to animation in years though, someone falls asleep halfway through the comedy.” She looks pointedly at you and Sirius and Lily’s eyes follow.

“She always chooses ‘The Hangover.’ We've seen it too many times now.”

“Well, we can’t have that. Lily you choose the comedy this time,” Sirius says and you nod pointing to the tv.

“There’s some stuff on dvd there and I think we’ve got the streaming set up already.”

You leave for another shower while they decide, changing into your pyjamas and slipping into your bunny bedroom slippers.

“What did you guys choose?” you ask as you sit beside a freshly showered Remus- his hair is damp and he smells like oranges.

“Insidious, Grown ups and Monsters Inc.” James says, sliding the first dvd in while Marlene comes back in with three bowls of popcorn.

“Monsters Inc?” you murmur, hands wringing in your lap as Remus accepts the bowl. He’s sporting a frown as your hands seem to be wrung to all hell.

“Yeah, haven’t seen it in years.” Marls says and you nod, plastering a smile on your face as you take a couple kernels of popcorn.

“You okay?” Remus whispers and you nod, stuffing your mouth so you don’t say anything out of turn.

All through the horror, he can tell you’re on edge from more than just fear. It gets worse when everyone is wide awake during the comedy.

“I’m gonna put the kettle on, anyone want anything?” You ask, twisting the joints of your fingers to crack them.

Marlene looks at you funny, leans her head off the sofa and mouths, ‘You okay?’ To which you nod.

She frowns but you only glare back and she drops it.

There’s a chorus of requests that you mutter to yourself all the while to the kitchen- James wants another bun, Lily a cup of tea, Sirius wants his gummy bears, Marls wants Swedish fish and Remus wants nothing so you’re bringing him a cup of tea as well.

You’re not alone for three minutes before Remus joins you.

He looks tired, like the day’s drive has worn him down, but he grants you a smile anyhow.

“Came to help you,” you doubt that’s the only reason he’s in the kitchen- you’re not good at keeping your emotions off your face it seems.

“You’re missing the movie,” you point out just as the kettle whistles.

Remus shrugs and takes to pouring water over the tea bag in your cup and two others. “Sugar?” He asks, looking up at you to find you sitting on the counter, swinging your legs as you dip your hand in the bag of Swedish fish.

“Two please,” but your voice is anything but regular.

“I’ll be two minutes,” Remus promises as he takes everything back to the living room.

You’re alone with your thoughts for a little, reminiscing on when you were a kid and you used to come here with your parents.

You’re so deep in thought you don’t notice Remus is back till he’s standing right between your legs.

“What’s eating you?” He asks softly, hands on the counter right beside your thighs.

You shrug, not sure how much is the right amount to share.

There’s not much in terms of ‘loyalty’ between you and your family, but it feels wrong to speak ill of them because sometimes they’re not bad- sometimes they’re the best people ever, and then they ruin it by being mean for months.

“Pretty girl,” Remus’ tone is still patient, still soothing and you make up your mind quickly.

“Can I tell you after the movies? I’ll show you the lake too.”

Remus studies you for a moment, hazel eyes scanning your face intensely before he relents.

“Only if you’ll wear a sweater,”

By the time Monsters Inc is on, you’re clenching your fists under your butt and forcing yourself to at least look like you’re paying attention.

“I haven’t seen this in forever!” Marlene says excitedly, and you smile, a fake one but it’s soft enough that she doesn’t question it.

“Neither have I,” you say back, Lily making comments of it being her childhood favourite falls on deaf, buzzing ears as Boo attaches herself to Sully.

Your mood only gets worse and about three quarters way through, Remus can’t bear to see your mixed emotions any longer and guides your head to his chest.

“Just pretend you’re asleep, dove.” He whispers and you close your eyes. If he feels tears wetting his shirt when Mr. Waternews is found out and Sully and Mike realise who they’re working for, Remus doesn’t say a word.

He doesn’t say anything when the tears become worse when Sully and Mike remake Boo’s door and say goodbye to her; he just wipes them away as discreetly as he can.

Your friends file off to bed shortly after the movie ends and a quick clean up, but you’re not so lucky. You’d promised Remus a talk and a tour, and honestly, you need it.

“C’mon,” you gesture for Remus to follow you after he gives you his sweater, and you slip into your shoes.

“Here,” he hands you a fresh cup of tea as he opens the door for you.

Remus embraces the silence of the first few steps and waits you out until you sigh.

“We used to come here, for the summer back when it was just me, my mum and my dad,” the words hang there, only the wind touches it as you consider what else you should say.

“It used to be fun, we’d go out on the boat, and have a bonfire and go out on the lake- it’s where this whole tradition started actually,”

You hazard a glance at Remus and find him looking at you carefully.

“I haven’t watched Monsters Inc, since the last time we came here.”

Remus sighs, “How old were you then?”

You take a sip of your tea, “I think six? Maybe seven,” he blows a breath. “I’ve tried watching it on my own after, but it was always me and my dad’s show. It was our thing, I was Boo, he was Sully- but then, I don’t know what happened if I’m honest.”

Your eyes shine with tears in the moonlight as you lead Remus to the dock.

You sit and pull your knees up to your chest, the hem of Remus’s sweater covering your shins as you lay your cheek on your knees.

“We used to be really close and now I think he wishes he’d never had kids. Especially if we try doing or saying things he doesn’t agree with.”

Remus tugs you close to his side when the first tear falls, his hand on your shoulder as he squeezes you close.

“From what little I’ve seen, he seems… intense.” Is the word Remus goes for, and you can tell it’s to be polite.

You nod, “You can’t put a hair out of place with him- it’s practically a cardinal rule to always be perfect.”

Remus sighs, “That’s an unattainable goal, perfection.”

You shrug as you rough up your cheeks to rid them of tears. “I don’t think he really cares, and then sometimes,” you pause, not sure if you should or even can get the words out to tell Remus.

“You don’t have to say more, pretty girl. I get what you mean to say.”

Remus doesn’t ask anything else or anything of you and it’s refreshing to get to put down all the pretending and the chipper, and the unwavering happiness and just be.

“He’s just a lot and it’s hard to know which version of him you’re gonna get.”

Remus rubs your shoulder and your arm, “I’m sorry, dove.”

You stay out till your tea goes cold and you’re yawning so much Remus is laughing softly every time.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed, precious girl.” Your belly swims at the nickname, only Remus seems to shower you in them- outside of Marls.

“Will you stay with me again? You don’t have to, there’s a room for everyone if you’d prefer to sleep on your own.”

Remus would’ve said yes even if you didn’t look so shy and sleepy and if you didn’t wear his sweater like it was something commonplace- though he figured if you wore it once more, that it would be a habit he would be insanely fond of.

“I’ll stay with you, lead the way.”

You wake up in a tangle of limbs and your face tucked neatly away in Remus’ neck. He somehow smells better now, a mix of your laundry detergent, his orange soap and sleep.

He’s also warm in a way that makes you cosy up even closer to him.

“Stop moving, pretty girl,” Remus’ voice is gravelly and raspy, his arms lock around you a little tighter as he holds you still.

“Sorry,” you murmur, a yawn ripping apart the apology. “Did you sleep okay? I didn’t move too much?”

Remus shakes his head and stretches, his limbs cracking as he does so.

“Slept great. You were still as anything,” he finally opens his eyes, the usually hazel eyes seem more honeyed and warm in the morning light. “Come closer, you’re warm.” He says and you chuckle.

“I usually get told I run cold,” Remus shakes his head and tugs you closer by your waist.

“You’re toasty,” you both just lay in silence as you allow yourselves to wake up slowly.

You hear noises around the house as everyone else wakes up and you sigh.

“Time to get a move on, Remmy.”

He groans, “Can’t they entertain themselves?”

You laugh, “They could, but I’m hungry.”

Remus gets out of bed with no complaints and gets ready for the day before heading downstairs before you.

“Favourite type of pancake?” He asks and you hum, your steps aligning as you descend into the kitchen.

“Can you do the one with the sprinkles mixed in?” Remus nods, and sets about getting the ingredients while everyone else busy themselves with cups of tea.

Remus makes yours for you, exactly like you like it, and Marlene eyes you over her cup of tea.

“Bubbles, c’mere a second?” She motions you both out the door and Remus and Sirius watch you both curiously while James and Lily cuddle up on the sofa.

When you’re outside and at the flowers, she fills the watering can and squeals, “What’s going on with you and Moony?”

You shrug, rolling your eyes as you take the full watering can and start watering the plants.

“Nothing’s going on,” you say- which might be true. It also might not be true, because something is definitely going on; you’re friends but you feel like a little more than friends. Like you’re in the liminal space between friends and more than friends.

“Oh yeah? So you’re just wearing his sweater and he’s spent the night in your room?”

You fail to hide your smile at her question and she laughs maniacally.

“I knew it!”

You stop her before she can get ahead of herself, “Nothing’s happened, we’ve just been talking and getting to know each other,”

“In all the ways.” Marlene’s eyebrows dance at her statement and you shake your head- mostly to dispel heat from your face.

“No, I asked him to spend the night in my room. He said yes, there was nothing else.”

Her eyes narrow, “No ‘good morning’ cuddles or kisses? You know you’re the only one with cute nicknames from him?”

You scoff, Marlene rolls her eyes, “‘Pretty girl’, ‘dove’, you’ve noticed only you get such nice names from Remus? He’s not exactly as forthcoming with it to anyone else.”

You ponder it for a while, sipping the remainder of your tea as you water the last plant.

“I like that he listens and he’s easy to talk to. And I feel like myself- like there’s no pretending when I’m with him, but I’ve also known him for maybe four months at best.”

Marlene touches your shoulder, “It’s not like you to go all in all at once, and that’s okay. Just don’t rush to label four months as not enough time- if you like him, and you think he likes you; I know for certain he does, but I know you need to know it too, then let it flow yeah? What’s the worst that could happen if you just see where it goes?”

Before you can answer her, Remus comes looking for you out the front door, “Breakfast’s ready, dove. Come eat before it gets cold,” he says softly, “You too Marls, before Siri passes away at the fact that you’ve been gone twenty minutes.”

She sends you a pointed look as he goes inside, calling out to Sirius.

“What’s that look for?” He asks as he takes your empty cup from you.

“Marlene’s scheming,” you say with a smile and Remus groans.

“Please nothing like her schemes that involve jumping into pools drunk again.”

You have breakfast right beside Remus, like the day before- thighs pressed together as you eat.

He doesn’t have his own plate so you divide your stack between the two of you- which he only has a couple pieces of.

“Remus you’re having breakfast?” Sirius asks pointedly and you frown.

“Does he usually not?”

James shakes his head, “Mostly toast and coffee. Or clotted cream and scones when he can manage it- never really has an appetite in the morning, our Moony.”

You look aghast as you turn to Remus who looks sheepish.

“You could’ve said something! And here I’ve been feeding you breakfast without a single thought.”

Lily and Marlene smirk at your concern and the boys roll their eyes at Remus’ bashfulness.

“S’fine, I wouldn’t have eaten if I wasn’t feeling for breakfast.” A lie. Remus would eat at whatever time you were sharing food with him. It wouldn’t matter if he’d just come back from having lunch himself.

“Now I feel like I’ve forced you into having breakfast,” you say softly and Remus kicks the shins of both the boys and glares at them.

“None o’that,” he says equally as soft, still glaring at his friends who can’t help but smile at your reaction.

Sirius and James ruin the sweet moment by miming a kiss to Remus while you’re not looking and then getting kicked again which makes them groan.

“Are we going onto the lake today?” Lily asks to change the conversation and it works perfectly.

You delve into quick, animated conversation about what your supposed plan is- pack a picnic basket full of sandwiches, some drinks (alcoholic and nonalcoholic), a pavlova (that makes Remus raise his eyebrow- a silent conversation passing through you both, you wave him off) and then head to the dock and get on the boat and find a nice spot to swim.

Remus helps you with the pavlova, cutting the fruit and making the whipped cream while you set it in the oven to bake.

“What kind of sandwiches did you want, dove?” You put the last of the dishes in the drying rack as you turn to find Remus getting the bread, condiments and toppings on the counter.

“Whatever you guys like. I just need one cucumber sandwich and one with tomatoes, meat, cheese and crisps.”

Remus nods and gets started, when you reach for the cling wrap he tuts.

“Go get dressed, I can do it by myself.”

“How rude would that be? I’m the host.” Remus sets the knife down after he cuts the sandwiches in halves.

“Pretty girl,” he traps you between the counter and himself. Your chests pressed together. “I told you in the shops, you’re not cooking for us all weekend. It’s a vacation for you too- go get dressed, do whatever you need to do, and then come back down when you’re done and ready to go, yeah?”

His eyes remain glued to yours, the intensity of his soft words bleeding into your veins and replacing your blood as it starts racing through you.

You narrow your eyes still, “Has anyone ever called you ‘bossy’ before?” You ask but still make your way to the steps.

“Your cookies are on your dresser, have a whole one if you like.” He says as you retreat, chuckling when you squeal happily.

James finds Remus stocking the picnic basket and approaches him with a smirk.

“You like ‘er don’t you, Moons?”

Remus frowns, “I’d like it if you and Pads didn’t mouth off about me not liking breakfast and making her feel bad.”

James whistles lowly. “Sorry ‘bout that. But you do, don’t you? Like her I mean.”

Remus sighs, “Yes, I suspect I do. It’s becoming a little more than like rather quickly though.”

James shrugs and steals a crisp from the half done packet. “S’nothing wrong with that. Told Lils I loved her like a month into dating- best decision I ever made.”

Remus wants to go back and forth with James about the differences between you and Lily, and then he realises, he really can’t.

No one besides him, and probably Marlene, knows the situation of your home and how that factors into things- he’s better waiting it out.

Remus finds waiting it out might be extremely difficult when you come down in a sunshine yellow and orange bikini top and a pair of Jean shorts that reveal a naval piercing and a set of waist beads that compliment your skin perfectly.

Your hair is up in a claw clip, some pieces out and framing your face and your glasses are replaced with shades. You’ve forgone all your jewellery, but you still look stunning.

His heart stops for a second when he catches the scent of your toffee butter perfume.

“You look like a sunrise,” is the first thing out his mouth and you giggle. A tinkling, windchime-ish sound that lights your entire face.

“Thank you, Remus. I’ll set everything in the boat while you go get ready, thank you for packing the basket.”

James watches the exchange silently, more and more he finds the evidence that you and Remus are falling for each other to be extremely obvious.

Remus leaves with a kiss to your forehead and it takes all your self control not to touch your hairline as you pick up the basket.

“James, do you want to be our captain for the day?” You ask as you open the sliding door.

“Oh of course! Lead the way and I’ll take over the helm immediately.”

The moment you anchor the boat, you’re all diving in- except Remus who sits with his legs dangled in.

“Maybe when the sun starts getting a little lower,” he had said and you didn’t want to force him to do another thing. Remus was much more content to sit and stare at you swimming and having a water fight with Marlene as he drank one of the beers from the cooler.

After about an hour of roughhousing, you paddle over to his legs and climb up beside him.

Dripping wet, you reach for a peach iced tea and one half of the sandwich with crisps and take a bite.

“Want your towel?” Remus asks as he notices gooseflesh erupt on your arms and legs.

“No thanks, don’t wanna get it sopping wet before it’s time to leave.”

You take another bite when Remus says, “I’d just give you mine, dove.”

It makes your heart sink and soar at the same time- the way he proposes going without just so you’d be comfortable. It makes you think of the way he’d been having breakfast just because you shared with him.

No one’s ever been so nice, without expectations before.

“You’re sweet Remus, but I’m okay,” you lay your head on his shoulder as you finish off the sandwich and take a sip of your drink.

“Can I ask you something personal?” He asks softly, eyes on your friends as they start a swim race.

“Yeah, course.”

Remus takes a moment to collect his thoughts, takes a moment to choose his words carefully.

“Why doesn’t Marlene know anything?” It’s been something running laps in his kind since his conversation with James in the kitchen.

Your breath hitches and Remus is about to apologise when you start explaining, “She knows some stuff. Like the stuff about me and my family not having a good relationship- she’s seen some of the fights,”

You take another sip, “But I’ve been careful not to have any visible bruises when I’m with her. It’s hard to explain,” you take a deep breath before saying, “And it’s a little embarrassing to have your dad still being abusive to you after being a kid.”

Remus nods, saying nothing for a while and then, “I hope you know it’s not a reflection of yourself and you shouldn’t be embarrassed by his actions.”

You don’t go back out in the water after that, instead you lay on the boat’s floor with Remus with your toes dipped into the water.

“Can I ask you a personal question, Remus?”

Your voice is soft, your hands occupied with tracing the silvery lines of his scars that race up his arms.

“Anything,” he says earnestly.

“What are your parents like?” He smiles, an image of his mum already in his mind.

“My mum’s like me, quiet, shy, a massive reader. She’s very gentle too- I don’t think Hope has a mean bone in her body. She’s a big baker like you are, she’d love spending all day in the kitchen.”

You smile unconsciously, she sounds like Remus. “She’s also very fiercely protective of whoever she loves. It’s like pack animal loyalty with ‘er.”

“She sounds like you,” you say quietly, turning to look at him and finding Remus eyes laying on you already. “Gentle and kind; very warm.”

“Alright lovers, cut the pavlova and let’s crack some beers.” Sirius hollars as he boards the boat again, his wet hands reaching for his towel as he scrubs his hair roughly.

“You have such a way with words, Black.” Lily says sarcastically as she helps you take the pavlova out and dress it up with the cream and fruit.

You all eat your bellies full on the boat, the pavlova and sandwiches done just as the sun begins to set.

There’s a lethargy that engulfs the boat as you take the helm for the return trip.

“James it’s fine, you’re more tired than I am,” You say to him, his eyes are barely open and that reminds you that you haven’t had your cookie yet. “Remus, can you get me the cookie from the basket? I forgot to take it when we got here.”

“The edible?” He asks as he retrieves it from the picnic basket anyways.

“Mhm! Thank you,” you reach for it with one hand as the other is glued to the steering wheel of the boat as you turn it around.

“M’not giving it to you while you operate a vehicle.” Remus says as he holds it closer to him.

“Remus, it’s a ten minute boat drive back to the dock.”

He shrugs, “Wait ten minutes then, these are strong.”

You frown, grumbling under your breath at his strictness. “You’re so stern and strict.” He hears you say it and smiles.

“Yup, but I’ll make you a deal- you can have it if you let me drive,” you shake your head.

“You’ve already done enough for today,” Remus rolls his eyes.

“I’m also the only one of us that didn’t swim today,” you falter then.

“Come over here and take it so I can drive,” he says but you shake your head again.

Remus decides he’d rather use intense flirtation tactics to get you to sit and have your cookie and continue relaxing.

His hand reaches for your exposed waist, his fingers stroking your skin there and then slipping under the waist beads.

Your breath catches in your throat.

“Pretty girl,” he starts lowly, voice much more raspy than usual. The way he stares so intently at you makes your belly erupt in butterflies. “Come sit over here and have your cookie so I can drive us back, hm?”

Your friends watch you both with rapt attention, whispers of the two of you ‘fighting like an old couple’ lost between the heat of his actions and the thrumming under your skin from his attention.

The calluses on his fingers tickle your skin softly, more gooseflesh raising on your skin as you stop the boat and get lost in his touch.

“Remus,” you mumble, your resolve already crumpled to nothing. “You play dirty,” you say quietly as you switch places with him and receive your cookie with a dazzling Remus Lupin smile- which is just a quiet smile that shows his teeth.

“Don’t know what you mean.”

You finish your cookie and your bottle of water just as Remus docks, your friends filing off the boat with their arms full of things as they go to the showers- all of you too tired for any other activities.

“You good to be by yourself for twenty minutes, dove?” Remus asks as he helps you dismount from the boat.

Your eyes are already droopy, your movements more sluggish than normal.

“Yeah, I’m gonna shower and wash my hair and go to sleep.” You slur some of the words, your tongue too heavy for how fast you want to speak.

“Sleeping by yourself tonight?” Remus asks kindly, closing the door behind you and locking up before you set the alarm.

“Um,” you start, stretching as you make your way to the stairs, “Would you mind staying? I like sleeping next to you.” Remus feels his stomach knot at the confession.

Your high allows your tongue a little freedom, “When you’re there I don’t have nightmares.”

“Is that why you asked if you’d moved a lot?”

You nod, a timidity to you. “Yeah, I usually wake up super anxious or with a massive adrenaline rush that takes ages to wane.” Then as if you’ve only just remembered, “But you can sleep in your room if you want an entire bed to yourself.”

Remus coos, “I’ll share a bed with you again, princess.”

You wrinkle your nose at the nickname and Remus laughs, walking behind you as you climb the stairs.

“What?” He asks as you open your bedroom door.

“That feels like such a pretentious nickname,” you admit and Remus shakes his head.

“What if that’s what I think of you? That you’re regal enough to be a princess?”

You scowl, “I prefer pretty girl,” you say softly as you lay out your pyjamas on your bed.

“You like the reinforcement of the truth?” He teases and you groan, rubbing your face as Remus laughs.

“Go shower Remus, you’re too much right now.”

Twenty minutes later, you’re putting away your blow dryer as Marlene opens your bedroom door.

“You okay?” You ask her as she climbs into your bed.

“I’m perfect, Bubbles. Want you to do me a favour, though.”

You raise your eyebrows as you smooth oil through your hair. “What kind of favour?”

Marlene approaches you, kisses your forehead and whispers, “Let yourself fall for him. He takes care of you, you let yourself smile for real when he’s around. Four months don’t mean a thing.”

She leaves just as Remus opens the door and he frowns.

“Did I interrupt something?” He asks gently, ready to call Marlene back and swap with her so you two can chat more and he’d stay with Sirius.

“Nope, everything’s perfect. Except for the fact that I’m not asleep yet, I’m beat.”

Remus shakes his head as he shuts your door, climbing into the bed beside you.

“Oh are you?” You nod, oblivious to his teasing as you scoot closer to him.

“So tired. I think tomorrow we’re going to start lunch late so I can sleep in some more.”

Remus lays still as you get comfortable, laying your head on his chest and draping an arm over his stomach. “Sleep as long as you need, dove. The boys and I can cover the bar-b-que.” He has just enough time to plant a kiss to the bridge of your nose before you’re asleep. Remus can’t help but sigh and squeeze you a little tighter to him as he relaxes under you.

The next morning you’re not awoken by the sun in your eyes or by Remus moving under you. Instead, it’s the rain beating down on the roof that rouses you from sleep.

Remus isn’t under you, you’re alone in bed but the spot where he’d been laying all night is still warm and sunken- as if he’s just left.

Groggily, you pull your hair back and out of your face, move through your morning routine and trudge down the steps as you fit your glasses on your face.

“Morning,” you say to Marlene as you pass her by the breakfast nook, making your way immediately for a glass of water.

“How’d you sleep?” She asks with a girn.

“Good, till the rain.”

She nods, Lily and James coming downstairs shortly after, “This puts soup on the menu instead of bar-b-que?” James asks and you shrug.

“If you guys want that we can do it instead, I’d probably just need to run to the store and get the vegetables we might not have.”

Putting on the kettle you look around and find Sirius and Remus missing.

“Where’s your lover boy?” You ask Marlene as you toss two tea bags into your mug.

“Same place as yours,” she teases. “They’ve been hotboxing Remus’ car for the last half hour.”

You shake your head with a smile, “What’re we doing about breakfast?”

Marlene and James exclaim at the same time, “Breakfast hash!”

You and Lily look at each other, “Londoners.” She says teasingly and James flushes, pressing a sweet kiss to her lips before joining Marlene in getting the potatoes, eggs and sausages for the hash.

Remus and Sirius appear just as breakfast is done, their shoulders and hair wet from the rain as the walk into the kitchen.

Remus hangs over your shoulder, his cheek nuzzling into yours. The wet tips of his hair draw messy lines of water down your neck.

“Sorry I wasn’t there when you got up.” He whispers, you smile.

“S’okay, how was your smoke?”

“Good, need a shower though. S’all stuck to my clothes.”

Remus goes and comes back in ten minutes, smelling more citrusy and minty as he comes to sit beside you.

You don’t share half your breakfast with him as you eat, and he frowns. With a not so stealthy hand, he steals a potato wedge.

“There’s still some in the pot,” James tells him but he doesn’t get up.

Instead, he continues stealing off your plate with a smirk. When you’ve finished, he takes your plate and fills it again, this time sharing with you.

“You finish it,” you say to Remus, leaning your head on his arm as he eats.

The rest of your friends watch silently, eyes a little wide at how seamlessly you and Remus seem to be moving with one another.

“What kind of soup did you want to make, James?” You ask, directing your attention to him as he stacks Lily’s plate in his.

“Something hearty,” Sirius says, his own head presses against Marlene’s chest. “I want something hearty. Like beef soup.”

James chuckles and you smile, “Beef soup then,” he says and you nod.

“I’ll probably have to get carrots, some more potatoes and the beef then.”

Remus hums, “I’ll go with you, can’t be driving in this weather.”

You roll your eyes, “You’ve just smoked, Remus. You’re not driving anywhere,” you turn to Marlene, “Wanna go with me? Lily you too?”

The girls nod immediately and you all rush to go get ready, leaving the boys at home to entertain themselves.

“So,” Lily starts as you pull out of the driveway- Remus had moved his car out of the way and moved yours back so it would be easy for you to reverse out into the street.

“You and Remus are getting cosy.” She says and Marlene screeches.

“Thank you! Someone else sees it!”

You shake your head, “We’re just friends. Nothing has happened.”

Marlene rolls her eyes, “Because you’re not doing anything. He was eating off your plate at breakfast without invitation- might I remind you.”

Lily nods, “And he’s been extra smooth and affectionate with you! He never shared his clothes so easily- not even with the boys.”

You bite your lip and deliberate on their words. “What should I do then?”

You spend the half hour drive to the supermarket trading plans and tactics and by the time you enter the supermarket you have a clear game plan.

“Do you think it’ll work?” You’re not sure why you’re so nervous to put the moves on Remus, but your palms are sweaty as you hold the basket and the girls load it up.

“Oh, it’ll fucking drive him wild,” Lily promises. “He almost lost his mind when he saw you in the swim suit, he’s going to proper well lose it when we get back.”

When you get back to the cottage, the boys are watching the game, all the dishes are washed and the kettle’s whistling off.

“We got everything, who wants to start?” Marlene asks, dropping herself in Sirius’ lap, watching coyly as you carry the bags to the kitchen and Remus stands up immediately.

“I’ll start it,” you say and he grumbles.

“You’re not, go sit.” He takes the bags from you and sets about cleaning the meat and filling a stock pot with water.

“I’m serious, dove,” Remus says as you make it to the fridge to take out the onions and garlic.

“I’m just getting the ingredients out,” you say gently and Remus narrows his eyes at you. You set the stuff down on the counter, and when Remus turns his back you get a knife and start chopping.

“Dove,” he says shortly, looking back at you as he sets the beef to brown.

“Remus,” you mimic his tone and he scoffs, walking towards you. “What are you doing?” You ask as he stands beside you, waiting patiently for you to finish chopping the carrots and onions.

“Sending you to relax, because you can’t seem to listen.”

He takes the knife from you and you pout.

“I’d feel better if I was helping you though,” you say to him all while batting your eyelashes.

Marlene and Lily had told you to amp up the banter and the teasing just to push Remus along a little.

“Pretty girl,” he starts, but you hop up on the counter top and hold onto his wrists. You massage the thin skin of his wrist, Remus watches you with quirked eyebrows.

“Can’t I just stay here? I’ll just watch you, I don’t wanna watch the game.”

You blink slowly at him and Remus melts.

“God, you’re a fucking minx aren’t you?” He murmurs, moving his hands to hold the dough of your thighs. It’s only then he lets himself take in your outfit and he swears his brain nearly short circuits.

You’re in another pair of shorts, a much softer and breathier material than the denim ones, and a crocheted, purple bikini top. You’ve got your chains all layered and hanging between your boobs, crystals and turtles all hanging over each other, and Remus needs a minute to think about something else so he doesn’t get a hard on.

“Don’t know what you mean,” you pop a carrot slice between your teeth and Remus groans.

“Sure you don’t,” he narrows his eyes, hands squeezing your thighs as you swing your legs either side of his hips. “You’re not as innocent as you let on, princess.”

You roll your eyes but Remus sees the way your body reacts to the nickname and smirks.

“I’m the most innocent,” you jut your chin to the stove. “Don’t let your beef burn.”

Remus shakes his head, turning to tend to the stove. He feels your eyes track his every move, and can’t help but feel a type of tingle trail down his spine- more so when you hop off the counter and fit yourself right behind him.

Your hand rests on his back, your fingers spreading against his spine making him shudder.

“You need to take a walk, pretty girl,” he murmurs, adding the spices to the pot and covering it to start the simmer.

“With you? Of course I do.” Remus chuckles and turns quickly, using his hips to angle you against the space near the fridge.

“What’re you playing at, dove?” His hands fall to your hips, holding the supple skin there as he looks at you.

You lift a coy shoulder, “Nothing, you’re not a game.”

Remus smirks, “Neither are you,” you smile at the ease of his words. “But, I know what you’re trying to do.”

You frown, eyebrows knitted together. “What am I trying to do?”

Remus leans into you, his nose brushing yours. The way you lean up into him is too natural, Remus wants to chuckle, but you smell like caramel, vanilla and something musky that makes you intoxicating. It clouds his head, especially when you tip your chin up and he gets an even stronger scent of it.

“What am I trying to do, Remus?” Your hands sling behind his neck, your fingers climbing and winding into the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Rush my plans,” he whispers, your breaths mingling as he bumps your noses together again. He plays a mean tease and brushes your lips then pulls away the moment you try to meet him.

“You’re no fun.” You deduce and he laughs, kissing the corner of your mouth as he pulls away.

“You’ve no patience, princess,” he pats your butt, relishing in your scowl at the nickname. “Go sit down or have a smoke- you’re banned from the kitchen for the rest of the day.”

“You like to boss me around don’t you?” You ask as you open the fridge and take out the bottle of passion fruit juice.

“You like me bossing you around, don’t play coy, pretty girl.”

Remus blows you a teasing kiss as you walk out the kitchen with the glass of juice and you decide that you’ll be upping your game starting then on.

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with-my-calamitous-love · 19 days

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BAREFOOT IN THE KITCHEN / SACRED NEW BEGINNINGS

shouto todoroki x reader

shouto makes a mental checklist of all the things he loves about his home. (you.)

inspired by cornelia street

houses and homes are two different things for many different people.

for shouto, a house was simply a structure that sheltered the most personal details of ones life. the family, the fights, the scars… a house was a place he was forced to be in, forced to grow up in. it was never happy for him.

and shouto knew his childhood house well, as if there were key signs that warned him of incoming disaster. the stillness of the house, even the old floorboards refusing to move. the sudden change of tension in the air the moment the front door opens. the lack of his siblings laughter, all hiding away from him.

the worst kinds of hurt come from the people who should be protecting you.

so he’s hesitant when it comes to getting close to people. his worst fear, now as an independent pro-hero, is going back to one of those still, tear-filled houses.

and you can’t blame him. he doesn’t know what a home is, at first.

1) home is your apartment.

first, shouto learns that home is going to your apartment after work, because he knows your fridge is actually filled and you’ll have clean towels for him to dry off. as self sufficient as he may be, he’s a youngest child at heart. that means be loves to have people to lean on- though they’re far and in between.

as he drives through the city, its as though the street lights point him in your direction. he’s completely mystified, wanting nothing more than to seek your refuge. he barely has a chance to fumble with his keys before you’re already opening the front door for him, as if you just sensed his presence.

“how was work?” he asks you, wrapping his arms around your waist while you cook food on the stove. you love him when he walks out of the shower, wearing nothing but his black sweatpants with a loosely tied jaw string. his perfect muscles are glistening with water, and his hair smells like your shampoo.

he hums as he listens to you, clinging with zero interest of letting go. he loves this, and loves coming home to you after gruelling days at work. sure, his house was bigger, maybe more lavish with unreasonable monthly rent, but all of that doesn’t compare to your laughter at his shitty jokes. it pails in comparison to your favourite mug and the specific way you take your coffee. its the mundane things that make you so beautiful to him.

2) home is your cooking.

he’s used to running on an empty stomach. he doesn’t pay too much attention to his self care, despite his status and previous training. he simply just doesn’t have the time to sit down and have a proper meal, not when he has to work hard and maintain his rank.

all of that changes, however, when you begin your ritual of making soba for him every friday night. at first, he’s confused- not that its incredibly hard to make, or that it would take you that much time- no. he’s confused as to why you did it specifically for him. i mean, sure, you two are dating, and it was a really sweet gesture, but it was also so personal. you could have surprised him with flowers, or treats, or lacy lingerie, but instead you crafted the dish he loves so much.

and it tastes so good.

“your mom told me its your favourite.” you sheepishly admit, referring to the phone call you had with rei earlier. “did she?” shouto smiles, slurping up that last piece of soba eagerly. it makes him warm, knowing that you actively talk with his mom, even when he’s not around.

and she loves you, because you’re an extension of who shouto is. and he will proudly announce that to his family, wanting to share that love with others too. he wants to thank you not just for the food, but for everything else too. though he can’t quite grasp just everything you’ve done for him.

3) home is your smile.

its a no brainer that shouto has money. he grew up rich, and has become one of the most successful pro heroes to date. he loves to spoil you, because he loves seeing the way your eyes light up when he hands you a bouquet of your favourite flowers or that new book you’ve been raving about.

he’s also a man of style. he loves to buy quality clothes and comfortable fabrics, obviously for himself but more so for you. he loves seeing that the jacket around your shoulders is his, walking around in the autumn air.

“you’ll get cold.” you almost whine, but fail to make an actual protest as he leaves his long trench coat around your shoulders. you love the smell, his cologne on your skin. shouto just smiles- he’s never really been impacted by temperatures too much anyway. “its alright, beautiful. it looks better on you, anyway.”

he loves to see you basking in the summer sun, walking through the subtle crisp of autumn leaves, spring pollen making your nose scrunch up adorably, or the way the snowflakes sit on your eyelashes. he loves you all the time.

or the fancy dates he takes you out on, long nights of drinking and laughter. and he’ll happily call you two a taxi, hoping that the person on the other end of the line can excuse his happy-intoxicated slurs. you two sit in the backseat, drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar.

“you’re so cute when you’re drunk, love.”

“you’re -hic!- just as drunk as me, sho.”

“am i?”

he’s also the type to almost forget your address when the driver asks- he’s way too drunk, half off of the alcohol and half off of you.

4) home is your arguments.

familial arguments aren’t a new thing for shouto. he’s used to it- the tears, the yelling, the scars that cut deep. but for the first time, maybe ever, he doesn’t want to back his bags and leave before you even know he’s gone.

he finds himself wanting to stay, wanting to make things right. he’ll distance himself, let himself cool off before going to talk with you. he doesn’t dare to say the wrong thing, to let something slip at the heat of the moment. he needs you to know that he loves you not just through every kiss, but through every argument too. he’s here for the good and the bad.

he hates seeing you cry. your pain, the person he loves more than anything being in pain is a kind of heartbreak time could never mend. he’s terrified if you ever walk away. you’re the one person he can’t lose. absolutely not.

“i’m sorry, gorgeous.” he hums, laying down on the bed next to you. he makes it impossible to stay mad at him, for whatever has happened. you just sigh, any traces of anger disappearing when he touches you, pulling you in and forcing you to look at him. he has puppy dog eyes and doesn’t even know what they do to you- and it drives you insane. “i’m sorry too.”

you don’t say anything else, but you opt to leave a sweet kiss on the tip of his nose before drifting off to sleep in his arms. in the morning he’ll call in sick for you and bring you your coffee in bed. it doesn’t matter how stupid, how petty or how hurtful the argument was- you two will make up.

5) home is the memories you’ve made.

shouto can’t dance. and for a man who is supposedly good at everything, you find that absolutely adorable.

“am i doing this right?” he asks, holding your waist close to him as the two of you sway together. the lights are off, the soft glow of the refrigerator light illuminating the two of you like a snow globe, round and round.

you nod reassuringly, the sounds of some american singer playing on the radio. both of your bare feet creak beneath the wooden floorboards, as if the house itself was humming along to the tune.

this is your religion. and this is a sacred new beginning for shouto. the first house he had ever felt was home.

“i love you.” you whisper, getting on your tip-toes slightly to kiss his jawline. “i love you so much, darling.” he hums back, vowing to remember this moment forever.

6) home is wherever you two are, together.

he never wants to lose you. he physically, cannot lose the floorboards, the streets, and the home he’s loved you on. he’d never walk these streets again. if they don’t lead to you, they don’t lead home.

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hwaslayer · 3 months

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love you in slow motion (psh) | five.

♡ spotify playlist | series masterlist ♡

—summary: seonghwa will go through hell and back for you, as long as he can continue to see that smile on your face. because to him, that smile feels like a rainbow after the rain, thewarmth of the sun on a winter day. because to him, you’re more than just his bestfriend—you’re love. even though everyone seems to see that except you.

—pairing: park seonghwa x f!reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) bestfriends to lovers | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 9k

—chapter warning: cussing/mature language, implied sexual content, lots of overthinking, crying, mentions of death and death anniversary, friends & family being like ?? 😭, flashbacks, mentions of alcohol consumption, unprotected sex — sorry if i missed anything & if it’s all over the place! i tried to edit as much as i can while im away!! but enjoy & ty for being patient with me 🫶🏼 if you need something different, here is part one of yeosang’s fic!

Seonghwa doesn't remember when exactly he fell in love with you.

It might've been when you watched all of his football games growing up.

It might've been when you beat up that one kid because he wouldn't stop bothering Hwa for the answers to the homework and called him out of his name unnecessarily.

It might've been when you'd come to his house and sneak through the back door just so you could lie down on his bedroom floor and listen to new music together until you fell asleep.

It might've been when you first got your license and drove him to the hospital and stayed by his side when his fever didn't go down.

It might've been the trip to Hanoi with his family.

Or, it might've been when you sat with him during his first day in 3rd grade at your school, even though he was a child and didn't really know what love meant. He was surrounded by it, and so he was familiar with it. You gave him the same vibes. It must've been, right?

Of course, he had been in relationships. Those relationships did make him feel like maybe, those feelings for you were a fleeting moment; something that would pass, especially since things hadn't changed between you two. He wasn't gonna force it. He might've believed at some point that it was probably all a lie, that he wasn't meant to be with you in the end.

An idea that was way too good to be true.

But, then those relationships would end and he'd be back to square one. And he'd sit there and reflect on everything, revisiting the idea if he was saved for someone else [you]. Truth be told, he did love his exes. They'll always have a special place in his heart. But along their journey, he always felt like this wasn't his end goal— that this instead was the fleeting moment, that particular something that would pass.

In the end, it was always gonna be you.

"So, what happened with Makayla?" Wooyoung asks as he cleans his table and starts unpacking some new supplies that had just been delivered.

"Nothing." Seonghwa shrugs. "Y/N came that morning, ran off, then Makayla kinda knew. I feel so fucked up about it cause she's so nice and understanding."

♡ FLASHBACK

Seonghwa smiles when Makayla steps into his car, her sweet perfume immediately filling the air. Earlier in the week, he had asked Makayla if she wanted to go to a casual dinner and she instantly replied saying she'd love to. It put a smile on Seonghwa's face, which felt nice after the gloomy and upsetting days he'd been having.

He takes her to a casual ramen restaurant in town; it's small, cozy and intimate. They sit at the bar next to each other, taking the time to get to know each other over some hot, comforting bowls of ramen. He finds that Makayla enjoys a lot of similar things; she's outgoing, likes to go on adventures and explore new places, try new foods, would always be down to try something thrilling like skydiving or zip-lining in a tropical place.

Shit like that.

Seonghwa isn't as adventurous but he'd be down, and he likes that about her. On top of that, she's really sweet and laid back. Seonghwa doesn't feel like he has to try and paint this certain image to impress her. He doesn't; he can be himself for the most part, despite the fact that he's still having to try and keep it cool since it's the first time they're hanging out. Even when they finish their ramen, they sit there for another 30 minutes or so just chatting it up— learning more about likes and dislikes, past relationships, you, even.

"Yeah, so there's me, San, Wooyoung, Hongjoong and Y/N. I met San, Wooyoung and Hongjoong in college, and Y/N—" He pauses a bit as he twirls the straw in his cup. "She's been my bestfriend since the third grade."

"That's sweet. So, you guys are all close and everything? Y/N probably knows you the best, hm?" Makayla chuckles.

"Yeah, she does. I guess. We've been through a lot together." Seonghwa looks at her and nods. Makayla isn't one to press more, but she can tell there's a little more to you and what you mean to Seonghwa. Of course, he's not gonna divulge now. Makayla doesn't expect him to. But there's a pause, a silence that falls between them that says there's more to it than he's letting up.

She'll let it be, though. She can tell you are special to Seonghwa.

"That's nice, though. To have someone by your side after all these years. You two are still going strong. I feel like a lot of friendships crumble, or people just get distant because we grow and become different people over time."

"Mmyeah. I think we are. We're just.." Seonghwa shakes her head. "Yeah, nevermind. We're just in our fighting phase but it's not anything we haven't experienced before." He lies to skip out on details. He's torn between telling Makayla the messy ass truth or keeping it on the low— cause honestly, this was a harmless dinner. Seonghwa didn't expect anything out of this.

Maybe he should've just been honest from the beginning but his head is fucking everywhere right now, and he doesn't wanna think about it.

"I see. I hope things get better."

"Yeah, same." Seonghwa lets out a pathetic chuckle before sipping the last bit of his water and standing. "Anyway, ready to get out of here?"

"Sure. Thanks for dinner." He smiles and takes her hand to lead her out of the restaurant.

"Course. Thanks for joining me." It's a bit of a chilly night tonight, Seonghwa and Makayla can see their breath in the air as they walk back to the car together. Seonghwa truthfully is having a good time with her and he doesn't necessarily wanna part ways so soon. He might take this as a distraction, he might use this as a way to get even closer and have something to build off of— he couldn't really tell you what exactly goes through his head at this next moment. He can't lie that it is a good distraction from the bullshit he's been dealing with, and although he doesn't mean to compare Makayla to you, he can't help but say she's been making him feel way better about himself than you lately.

He hates that it even has to come down to this because at the end of the day, life clearly still revolves around you.

Seonghwa tugs the passenger door open and lets her get settled before he hops into the driver's seat. He tugs on his jacket a bit before starting the car and turning up the heat, pulling out his phone to quickly see if there's any notifications he needs to tend to from the boys [you].

"Any plans for the rest of the night?" She shakes her head.

"Nope, none at all. What about you?"

"None. Should we find something else to do then?"

"I'm down!"

"Anything specific come to mind or.. we can hang out at my spot, if you want? No pressure. I can take you home, too. It's whatever you wanna do." Seonghwa looks at her from the driver's seat.

"No, we can go to your place. I'm fine with that."

"You sure?"

"Mhm." She smiles, giving Seonghwa the green light to start up the car and drive back to his apartment.

When they get back to his place, he grabs a bottle of wine and little snacks before popping on a thriller movie she suggests. He plans to keep it chill for the evening. He doesn't plan for anything specific to happen, he doesn't plan for the night to go a certain way. He lets it be; even when Makayla scoots next to him and cuddles up under his arm. Even when his fingers seem to be tracing circles on her arm, even when he suddenly feels the urge to kiss her.

To feel something.

And so one kiss eventually turns into another, and another deep kiss. Then, it eventually turns into Seonghwa tearing off her clothes and vice versa as they rush to his room and get in his sheets. He quickly rolls on a condom and gets her laid out underneath him. He enjoys this, yes— he's not gonna lie. He's a man and he's got needs, that's why he's indulging in every second of this. He fucks her good, deep into the mattress. Makayla's moaning his name and digging her nails deep into his shoulders, whining right into his ear and begging for more of him.

It's an ego boost, and it's making him feel ten times better about himself.

He makes her cum twice that night, from missionary and from behind. He hopes his neighbors don't complain about the noise— headboard lowkey banging into the wall with his name being called out like a mantra.

He has a good fucking time, though. He doesn't kick her out. He lets her stay the night, handing her a shirt to sleep in to feel more comfortable. He holds her and falls asleep quickly, the morning coming not too long after they had fallen asleep together.

Seonghwa planned to sleep in a 'lil bit that morning since he wasn't needed at work until 10am. In his head, he had planned to wake up at his own liking, prep a small breakfast for him and Makayla before offering to take her home on the way to work.

But, his plan is completely ruined when he hears a loud knock on the front door that also startles Makayla awake.

"Are you expecting someone?" Seonghwa's brow turns up as he ponders for a bit. He isn't expecting any packages and he doesn't remember putting in any maintenance requests. So.. no?

"No." He gets up, but Makayla does too and he feels a bit bad her sleep was ruined. "You don't have to get up, you can stay in bed if you'd like."

"No, it's okay. I should probably get up and get ready." He gives her a small smile before walking out, throwing on a white tank top to cover his indecency and tidying up a bit for whoever the hell is on the other side of the door. Who he expected, he wasn't sure. But he sure as hell wasn't expecting it to be you on the other side this early in the morning.

He swings the door open and he's not sure what to say or do, and it doesn't help that Makayla is brushing past behind him in his shirt to gather some of her things.

"Oh." Is all you say, and Seonghwa feels his heart break to a million pieces when he sees the look on your face. You're trying your hardest not to show how much it hurts you, but he knows you. He knows you well, that's for damn sure.

"Y/N—"

"It's good, I didn't meant to interrupt, I'm sorry— I'll catch you later."

♡ END

"I mean, it's not like you were expecting Y/N to come on that morning. Plus, you didn't necessarily lie or do anything behind anyone's back. You tried." Wooyoung feels a little silly knowing he knew about your plan, but he definitely didn't know Makayla spent the night until now. He took a 'harmless dinner' for what it really was; not Seonghwa taking her back home for good times and good vibes in the sheets. Or else, he probably would've prevented you from going on that morning and lied about Hwa's shift time to keep everything as smooth as possible. But, it doesn't make any sense when Wooyoung really thinks about it. Because even if he did tell you Hwa had an early shift and that it'd be better to see him later, would that help fix anything? Which exactly is the lesser evil?

For Wooyoung, he thinks it just had to unfold the way it did, unfortunately.

"Mm. Yeah." Is all Seonghwa says before finishing up wrapping some KT tape on his client. "Makayla was cool, though."

"Took her out and took her home, ey." His client chimes in, making Seonghwa shake his head.

"Thought I'd move on." Seonghwa shrugs.

"Clearly not." Wooyoung snorts, tossing in some fun to brighten the mood. "No, but, honestly. I think it had to happen this way? Instead of it getting too deep with Makayla and Y/N comes back around? Less mess."

"Less mess is always nice." His client chimes in again. "So, what are you gonna do? Does Tyson know about the whole thing with his cousin?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. He hasn't mentioned anything. If he asked, I'd be honest about it." Seonghwa shrugs. He wasn't entirely hiding anything and he likes to think he tried to go about this as normally as possible. It wasn't like he was out to intentionally hurt Makayla. He could never. He just didn't expect things to play out the way that it did, and he could never lie either.

"Well. What're you gonna do now?"

"Somehow talk to Y/N."

"You haven't heard from her since then, huh? Well, I guess since the club." Wooyoung corrects himself.

"Nope. I have not." Seonghwa's bottom lip pokes out into a pout before patting his client on the shoulder to signal that he was finished with the KT tape.

"Damn, Hwa." Is all his client says before walking out of the room, making both Seonghwa and Wooyoung chuckle.

"I really wanted her to take the lead on this one."

"Technically, she did. It just happened to be at the wrong time." Wooyoung shrugs. "Give her a little bit of time before you reach out again. She probably feels really defeated after that. And don't get me wrong, I love you both and the situation is unfair for both ends. But I think right now you two just need the space."

"Yeah. I'm not gonna force anything right now. I just hope she's able to talk to me before jumping to more conclusions."

"Mhm."

"Have you been able to talk to her recently?" Seonghwa fully turns to Wooyoung.

"Yeah, but she's not really saying anything about it. I think Sannie—"

"Sannie.. what?"

"She called Sannie after the whole thing and cried to him about it."

"Oh." His heart breaks hearing that you've cried over him yet again. Maybe Wooyoung was right— maybe you both needed this space after all.

♡ FLASHBACK

"San? Sannie?" You repeatedly call his name over the phone and San is confused. He has just woken up, but he's immediately alert when he hears you crying, your voice trembling on the other line.

"Hey Y/N?" He says in a questioning tone as he sits up in bed and rubs at his eyes. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"I'm so fucking stupid." You quickly start your car and reverse out of the spot to drive off.

"Don't say that, what's going on? Talk to me."

"I just tried to talk to Seonghwa about everything. I was gonna tell him everything, I was gonna be honest. Sannie, I was gonna be honest—"

"Slow down, where are you?"

"I'm going home." You cry and San starts to get up and get ready.

"I'll meet you there and we can talk more, okay? Just please get home safely and I'll be there." You nod even though San can't see you, trying as best as possible to race home in a safe manner. All you wanna do is crawl into bed and cry everything out so you can put on a brave face for work later.

When you get home, you immediately toss your pajamas back on and curl up on the couch. You put on a random movie for background noise, picking up your phone to see the missed calls and texts from Seonghwa.

[seonghwa]: y/n where are you?

[seonghwa]: can we talk, please?

[seonghwa]: just text me back or call me.

[seonghwa]: y/n please talk to me.

You let out a sigh and set the phone aside, not knowing how to respond to him right now. Your thoughts are all over the place, and you're regretting everything that's happened between you and Seonghwa recently. You were too late and this was the price of your actions, reactions, everything.

This is exactly what you were afraid of— losing Seonghwa, even as your bestfriend, for good. Because now, things seem irreparable. Your relationship won't feel the same and it's truly awful.

"It's me, San." You suddenly hear at the door before he lightly jiggles the doorknob. "I'm coming in, okay?" You don't say anything and he proceeds, eyes instantly landing on your form on the couch. "What happened?" San positions himself on the middle of the couch, looking down at you with sympathy. He really does hate seeing you cry— he's hated it since he's known you and grown close to you.

"It's too late. I'm too late. I'm so stupid." You cry, explaining to San about how you finally gained the courage to talk to Seonghwa. You tell San you woke up early and tried to put yourself in a good mindset in order to work through things properly. You tell him about how you got yourself there, ran up the steps and knocked on his door without turning back. You explain the look on Hwa's face, you explain how surprised he was to see you.

You explain how you ran off when you saw her in his shirt.

You explain how your heart dropped, you explain how awful the feeling was hearing him call after you, seeing his texts and missed calls.

"But, he was calling after you. He wants to talk to you Y/N."

"No. I ruined it. He's probably just gonna explain how he needed to move on and tell me shit that's gonna hurt like hell."

"Why don't you hear him out, hm? It could be entirely different, and he might wanna work this out with you."

"We kissed at the club. So after all of this— the kiss, the argument after the fight with Mingi, today—I don't think Seonghwa and I will ever be the same again. I fucked it up." You ramble on and San's slightly having a hard time keeping up cause he's stuck on the fact that you just told him you and Hwa kissed. It's not like he's entirely surprised, it just makes sense as to why things feel too fucking complicated.

He sees why now. But truthfully, as both your friend and Seonghwa's, it's not his place to say anything. The best advice he has is to just let it play out how it should. You'll get your time to talk to Seonghwa. Whatever unfolds from there is what will unfold.

"Hey, don't say that. Please don't." San says softly. "I know everything feels messed up and all over the place right now, but I know Seonghwa wants to fix things just as badly as you do. You're his bestfriend before anything, he'll never let that happen."

"I don't know what to do."

"Why don't you give yourself more time and space? Talk to Seonghwa when you've had a chance to clear your head and gather your thoughts properly." He gently rubs at your back. "This is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. For you and him, maybe." You dig your head into the pillow and release a sigh, almost finding the need to scream at how frustrating everything is.

But, he's right.

Time.

♡ END

"Heard you two kissed at the club." Wooyoung teases Seonghwa, causing him to toss a roll of gauze at his head.

"Shut up."

"Ow, what? It's cute!" Seonghwa glares at him before letting out a sigh.

"It just seems like everything's against us right now." Seonghwa laughs a bit, but deep down, he isn't sure how he feels. He's sad. He's heartbroken. He's not sure if he wanted the kiss to happen purely because of what you two are now. Because even though he knows it's not the only problem, it is probably the biggest.

"Give it time, yeah? You two will talk it out when things settle and it'll get better no matter what that looks like. I know you mean a lot to Y/N, and she wouldn't just drop 16 years of friendship over a silly little squabble."

"Mm." Seonghwa hums.

"Have you talked to Makayla since then?"

"Yeah, and she still wants to be friends. There weren't any expectations so.." Seonghwa shrugs. "At least she doesn't fucking hate me even though I deserve it"

"Dude, again. You weren't intentionally trying to hurt her. It's just a complicated situation."

"Yeah. Anyway. You're coming to my dad's thing right?"

"Of course, the fuck?" Wooyoung laughs. "This weekend, right?"

"Yup."

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"I wonder if Y/N is still coming."

"She will." Wooyoung gives him a small smile. "I know she will."

The weekend comes quick and Seonghwa is hauling ass from the wee early morning hours to get ready for his dad's retirement party. He's helping fix up the house and the backyard before running to the store to grab more things his mom needs. Though he's not trippin' about being tasked with errands alone, he'd usually have you tag along for company and extra hands. He feels it a lot today, and it's killing him how he can't even do this with you.

He doesn't even know if you're coming, or if you remembered, even if Wooyoung reassured him.

"You're done?" Seonghwa's mom asks, peering over his shoulders as he hauls in grocery bags and a cake.

"Yeup. Why? Don't tell me you need more, ma. I told you—" She playfully pinches him on the arm and furrows his brows while he lets out a low 'ow.'

"Told me what, hm? That's all! I'm not adding to the list! Where's Y/N?"

"What do you even mean?" She crosses her arms.

"You normally do these things with her. Where is she? Is she okay?" He shrugs.

"Sorry, she's busy." She eyes him, taking note of the way he shrinks and avoids eye contact. "Where do you want me to put the groceries and cake? Fridge for now?"

"Mhm. Thank you."

"Where's dad?"

"Showering and getting ready for his special day."

"I probably should do that, too.”

"Y/N is coming, right?"

"Mom, yes." He says in a slightly exasperated tone because he doesn't know the real truth. He honestly just wants to stop talking about you for a second. Just one second. "I'm gonna get ready." He walks off to get ready, sorting through his duffle bag of clothes that he brought over.

His mom likes to tease him, even though deep down, she gets sad when you two fight. It's not even just the fact that you welcomed him so warmly when he was the new kid in town, it was the fact that she has never seen Seonghwa connect with someone so well. You've always pulled the best out of him, and you were always there to make him laugh, to make him happy. Despite all the troubles you've endured, you've always treated them with respect and you've always shown love even if your own life felt like it was lacking of such. This didn't feel like any other fight she's witnessed between you two— call it mother's instinct, but she knew there was way more to it than Seonghwa wants to let on. She just hopes that whatever it is, you two can pull through. She knows you both are stronger than that.

When Seonghwa gets showered and throws on some better clothes fit for the occasion, he helps his mom and dad get the house clean and tidy for the party. His dad had officially retired, and Seonghwa was happy he could finally rest. Enjoy the things he loved doing. Spend more time with his mom. He helps put up the decorations around the house, fixing up the backyard and getting the grill ready for the food. Wooyoung, Hongjoong and San are one of the first to arrive, along with his relatives. They immediately start drinking and enjoying themselves, playing music and grilling meat to start kicking things off as more people trickle in.

Wooyoung briefly offers to take over the grill while Seonghwa heads into the kitchen to pull out more of the fruits and non-alcoholic drinks for his cousins and relatives that don't drink. He's busy setting things aside when his mom's loud scream startles him, his eyes immediately diverting to the source near the front door.

"Y/N's here with Yaya, Soyeon and Charli!" Seonghwa's mom lets out an excited yell when she sees her favorites walk through the door, throwing her arms around you for a big hug. Seonghwa turns from the kitchen, watching as you greet his family members that immediately swarm you at the entry. You happily greet his dad near the living room, giving him a big hug and congratulations for his retirement. It's the first time he'd be speaking to you after everything, let alone seeing you. He tenses up a bit, but he doesn't ignore the excitement he feels seeing your face, your smile. You're in a white denim maxi skirt and a black off-the-shoulder top, and Seonghwa can't help but stare.

"Hey!" Soyeon playfully punches him on the bicep and pulls him out of his thoughts, with Chacha screaming at the top of her lungs right next to her mom. "Chacha, jeez." Yaya laughs when she hugs him first.

"She sure loves her Uncle Hwa."

"Uncle Hwa!" She continues to scream, making Seonghwa laugh and swoop her into his arms. He gives Soyeon a one-armed hug before placing a kiss on Charli's temple.

"Chacha!" He matches her excitement. "Missed you, pea." He turns to Soyeon. "Junseo's at the restaurant?" She nods.

"Yep! Holding it down like always." She laughs. "He wanted to be here, though." She turns to Charli. "Baby, let's go eat first? You can play with Uncle Hwa after." Charli whines but doesn't fight it, making Hwa promise time after time that he'll play with her after she finishes her food. He does, anyway. He'll do anything to keep that smile on her face.

At this time, you finally make your way to the kitchen and Seonghwa isn't sure how to act. You give him a tiny, toothless smile before throwing one arm around him, clearly avoiding eye contact as much as possible.

"Hey." Seonghwa says, hugging you back. "You drove with Soyeon and Yaya?"

"Mhm."

"Should've told me so I could've picked you guys up."

"It's okay, Hwa." You give him another reassuring smile before grabbing a cup to fill up with some of the fruit juice his mom made. "Is everyone else here?"

"Yeah. Outside in the backyard. Food is out there, too."

"Thanks." You say, sipping your cup before walking out to the backyard. Seonghwa lowly groans to himself when he realizes he's being dumb, maybe slightly afraid, to talk about everything that's been happening.

Maybe it isn't the right time, either. But, he hates being this way with you. It feels terrible, and he wants nothing more than to just be okay with you.

"Are you and Y/N okay?"

"Ma, we're fine. I promise."

"Park Seonghwa if I find out that you've done something to her—"

"I didn't do anything!" He almost squeaks when he responds. "What about me, mom? How about 'are you okay, Seonghwa?'"

"I ask you all the time and you always give me the same answer!" She responds in a higher tone, but Seonghwa knows she's teasing just to push his buttons. "You never want me in your business anyway!"

"Whatever." He sighs and shakes his head, walking out to the backyard to hang out with everyone. Everyone old enough to drink [and isn't driving] raises their cups high for a big toast before knocking some soju back. Seonghwa catches up by taking the shot Wooyoung hands him to the neck, making a face at the bitter brand of soju they've decided on.

You've parked yourself in between Hongjoong and San, with Yaya, Soyeon and Charli sitting nearby as they eat their food. You have a plate in hand while you laugh along with San, Hongjoong and Wooyoung poking fun and making faces at Charli nearby. Seonghwa plops onto the empty bench space next to San, sipping on his drink while watching his cousins play in front of everyone. San sees you shift in your position a bit, now paying more attention to Charli, Wooyoung and Hongjoong, while Seonghwa continues to quietly sip on his drink. San isn't gonna lie— he feels a bit awkward since the tension is coming from both ways. But, he brushes it off anyway; trying to keep everything as normal as possible to keep the party running on a smooth note.

"Uncle Hwa." Charli comes in front of him with a huge smile on her face.

"Yes?" He gives her the same smirk, setting his cup down onto the table. "Finished eating?"

"Ya. But, mommy says I can't play yet."

"30 minutes!" Soyeon yells from her seat.

"She's right. You need to let your food settle." He pokes at her tummy and pulls her onto his lap. "Here." He hands her his phone to play on.

"Uncle Hwa." She calls for him again as she watches him pull up her favorite game.

"Mhm?" She puts up her tiny hands near his ear to whisper something so incredibly confidential:

"Are you and Titi Y/N fighting?" He chuckles.

"A bit, but we'll be okay."

"Why?" She pouts at him.

"Just grown up things, Chacha. We'll be okay." He repeats.

"You promise?" She's still whispering and Seonghwa's heart melts when she puts up her pinky for a pinky-promise. "Titi Y/N loves you. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad." He wraps his pinky around hers. "Promise, okay? Here." He passes her his phone once the game loads.

"Uncle Hwa, I wanna play with your legos." She plays Mario Kart Tour furiously on his phone.

"Which one do you wanna play with?"

"Any." Seonghwa laughs and nods, carrying her as he stands to grab his legos from his stash in his old room.

"Let's go find one, hm?" You watch as Seonghwa carries Charli with ease into the house, remembering the night you two spent with Charli a few weeks ago. Feels pretty distant, and it hits you how sad your situation with Seonghwa is right now. You quickly shake off your thoughts and stand from your seat to throw your trash away and grab another drink, grabbing more trash from the group when they see you making your way inside. You toss the paper plates away, engaging in small talk with Seonghwa's cousins as they pass in and out of the house. You pour yourself another cup, getting slightly startled by Charli zooming out of the house screaming in pure happiness while holding one of Hwa's small lego sets.

"That girl talks in screams." You mutter to yourself. "Oh shit." You look at the small spill to the side of your cup, letting out a sigh when you reach over for a napkin—

"Here." Seonghwa cocks a brow up when he hands you a napkin. "Can always count on you to make a mess, I guess." You roll your eyes at his sarcasm and snatch the napkin out of his hand to wipe up the spill.

"Thanks." Seonghwa continues to stand there, awkwardly watching you clean up the spill. You turn to him once more, furrowing your brows in confusion. "What?"

"We're just not gonna talk about it?"

"We're not doing this right now." You look at him. "Not at your dad's retirement party."

"Then when, Y/N? You're just gonna leave everything like this?"

"I don't know, Seonghwa! I guess so, cause I'm definitely not doing this now." He lets out a hefty sigh before slowly nodding his head.

"Wow, so you're fine with—"

"Stop." Seonghwa licks his lips and purses them together before breaking eye contact first. It's the easiest comeback he has, and he's not sure why he feels so angry, so triggered, right now. It's probably because he wishes you had just talked to him before the party. It's probably because it's been too long and he's not even sure where this leaves you two anymore. It's probably because he misses you and wishes he could just hug you. Call you. Text you. Do everything that he used to. Regardless of the kiss.

"Alright." Seonghwa says, surrendering and waving the white flag. You catch the way his jaw slightly clenches when he tears his eyes away from you and breaks eye contact. It does break your heart, and you hate that this is what you two have become. But, you weren't gonna do this on his dad's special day. Not at his dad's party.

"Excuse me." You grab your cup and Seonghwa steps aside to let you walk out first. He follows suit, shutting the sliding door behind him. Your friends and Soyeon don't fail to catch how bothered you two look even though you try to keep it under wraps, continuing to keep distance even as the afternoon goes on.

While Charli continues to play with the lego set in between playing with Seonghwa's baby cousins, you, your friends, and Seonghwa's relatives engage in more drinking and karaoke. Seonghwa and his mom take a moment to say little speeches over the cake, congratulating his dad for his retirement and for reaching a milestone in his life. You go about the party as normal as possible, keeping the energy and the good vibes alive even though it truly feels the worst not being able to genuinely be happy around the people you love the most.

You knew it was time to talk to Seonghwa soon, and that he was waiting for you to do it. He had been waiting for you, and god knows how disappointed he must have been in you.

Everything just feels so fucked up, and you feel so torn about everything. You wish you could just run away and hide from it all, even though you equally wanted to fix this and figure out where you two lie in all of this.

What about Makayla?

Was he still seeing her like that?

That's probably the one thing you were most afraid of. Seonghwa was your bestfriend. Despite all of this, you should be happy with whatever he chooses. He deserves it. He didn't deserve what you gave him at the club or how you failed to be honest about your feelings. This was all because of you.

As the evening arrives, you and Soyeon plan to leave in the next half hour due to Charli getting restless. As you pack some food to go for the both of you, Seonghwa's mom rushes over to you and puts her hand on your back. She looks at you lovingly like she always has, a soft smile on her face.

"Come here really quickly.” Her hand laces with yours as she shows you to their room. "I was cleaning up the garage the other day and found these photos and videos." She hands you some old photos of you, your dad, and Seonghwa and his dad while out. You flip through them, feeling the tears welling up in your bottom lids.

You missed your dad so, so much.

There were even photos of you and Seonghwa on the playground, photos of you and Seonghwa laughing while on a family trip, photos of you and Seonghwa hanging out in each other's backyards. Photos of you, your dad, Seonghwa and Seonghwa's dad together.

"This, too." His mom slips an old VHS tape into the VCR and you giggle a bit at how long it's been since you've watched something on tape. A huge wave of nostalgia immediately rushes over you as you gently place the photos down and watch the video of you and your dad during the fourth grade trip to the local zoo.

"He truly adored you more than anything. You will always be his little girl." She says and you start crying. Seonghwa's mom leans her head on your shoulder, and you lean onto her; silently enjoying the footage together. All of this was perfect timing, and you knew Seonghwa's mom did it for a reason. Your dad's death anniversary would be coming later in the week and it was everything you needed to find some comfort.

"I miss him."

"I know he misses you, too."

"Thank you." You look at her and give her a toothless smile. "Can I take these pictures?"

"Of course! Want the tapes, too?"

"Is it okay if I keep it here? I don't have a VCR." She laughs a bit and nods.

"Yes, absolutely." She rubs your arm before pulling you into another hug. "I'm glad you came out today."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You and Seonghwa seem to be fighting." She makes a face that makes you laugh. "What happened? What did he do?"

"Nothing. It was me. We just got.. into a disagreement, I guess. It's my fault though, and I just haven't been able to talk to him to apologize."

"You two will be fine."

"I know." You give her another tiny, toothless smile. "I hope." The two of you sit together for a little longer, taking in the rest of the photos before you wrap it up and head back out to the party.

At this point, your friends are taking their leave, with Charli laying on Soyeon as her mom holds her. She hands you the bags of all the food you packed for yourself, Yaya and Soyeon, saying your goodbyes to everyone still around. You save Seonghwa for last, giving him a tiny smile as he pulls you into a full-armed hug. You embrace the hug, pressing your cheek against his chest before he pulls away and looks at you.

"Wait." He says, holding you by the shoulders. "Have you been crying?" He looks deeply into your eyes and takes note of your wet eyelashes. You brush it off and look away, shaking your head as a response.

"No, I haven't." You brush past him to finish saying bye to his parents before rushing out the door to your own family. Seonghwa furrows his brows and looks at his mom, realizing she also has wet lashes and just looked like she finished crying.

"Were you and Y/N crying together?"

"I showed her some photos and videos with her dad that I found in the garage." She shows him the date on her phone and it’s enough for Seonghwa to understand what it means.

"Oh. I see." Is all he says. "Was she okay?"

"I think so. She can always say she's okay even though deep down, she's not." She puts her hand on Seonghwa's arm. "I don't know if it'll ever get easier for her."

"Goodmorning Hwa! Have you heard from Y/N yet? I wanted to ask her something but she hadn't texted me back and her phone is off. I think I might know why, though." Seonghwa lets out a breath and licks his lips before responding.

"I see. I'll check." He says. "I got you."

"Thanks. If you do see her, tell her to call me later when she's up for it."

"I will." And with that, Seonghwa cuts the call. He looks at his watch before devouring the rest of his breakfast, grabbing his bag and heading out the door much earlier than expected. It's a crisp, cold day. Somewhat of a drastic change compared to the days they've been having. Seonghwa can see his breath in the air, and he's regretting the light windbreaker jacket he grabbed as he rushed out the door— hoping it'd get warmer.

But, it doesn't.

He has to be at work in a bit, and he's probably even gonna be late. He's just concerned about you, and even though things still feel weird, awkward— he knows he needs to be here for you. Especially during this time.

And Seonghwa's timing couldn't be any more perfect. Because although today isn't the exact day of your dad's death anniversary, it's in two days and you never know how to prepare. Lately, you've found yourself avoiding the exact day, visiting your dad’s grave a few days earlier to say some words, say your peace. Cry and reminisce. When the day comes, you try to keep yourself busy. You work and you work, and you spend time with Yaya, or Soyeon, or even Seonghwa's family because it's the love you need to surround yourself with. As much as you love them all dearly, they aren't your dad and it never gets easier. It's an unbearable pain you can't even describe. It doesn't go away. It just sits there, leaning onto your already-broken heart and weighing heavily on the surface.

You've been quietly sitting at your dad'd grave, fingers tracing over his picture. You smile whenever you see his bright smile, his eyes holding all the irreplaceable love in the world. You're not even sure how long it's been since you got here, maybe an hour or two. It's cold, but you don't want to leave. You want to spend as much time as you can being here even though it is hard.

You continue to cry and slowly fix the flowers around his grave and other offerings. You set one of the framed pictures of you, Seonghwa, and your dads onto his grave before crying, and crying some more. Suddenly, you feel someone drape a jacket over your shoulders, and with the circumstances, you would've been spooked if it were any other day. But, you feel at ease. You feel comforted. You feel completely fine because everything feels familiar. Your feelings are confirmed when Seonghwa wraps his arm around you and pulls you close.

"It's cold, how long have you been out here for?"

"Awhile."

"You should've called me." Is all he says before there's a brief silence that falls between you two.

"I always think it'll get easier." You mumble as you wipe away at your tears. "When a new year comes, I always feel like it'll be the year I'll finally be able to process this and say my peace to it." You start breaking down again and Seonghwa sits still, silently listening to you cry. "But, it never turns out that way. It just gets harder."

"It's an unbearable pain that doesn't go away. I'm sorry it had to be you, and I wish it didn't turn out this way. I wish it wasn't like this for you." Seonghwa says lowly as he continues to hug you and keep you close. "Your dad is always here, watching over you. And I know he'd be so proud of you for being so strong and overcoming all the adversity that came your way."

"I just miss him, Hwa. I really wish I could hug him again. I'll never forgive myself for taking advantage of all those chances and for being too comfortable."

"Y/N, this is the sort of tragedy that you can't control. It's awful, but you would have never known. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You did your best as his daughter, and I know he appreciated every moment until the end. I know he felt your love through everything." You cry onto his shoulder, letting everything that you still have left in you out. Seonghwa continues to hold you close, hand rubbing up and down your arm as his cheek rests on the top of your head.

"You really didn't have to come, pichu."

"And let you do this alone? I don't think so." You shift in your position to look at him. He gently takes a thumb underneath your eyes, wiping away at your tears.

"Can we talk? At my place?"

"Yeah. I'll come as soon as I'm done with work, okay?" You nod and Seonghwa gives you a tiny smile. The two of you sit in silence for a little longer before you're saying your goodbyes and heading your separate ways.

"By the way, Soyeon wanted to ask you something." He dips his head. "Call her when you get home." You nod again. "Drive safely for me." He taps your door frame before shutting it close and heading to his own car. You watch in your mirror, waiting for Seonghwa to step into his car before you drive off and head home.

Getting home, you immediately wash up, get into comfier clothes and call Soyeon to check in with her when you see her texts. You agree to picking up a few extra shifts throughout the week to cover for Jini finally taking some time off for personal reasons. You hang out on the couch, putting on a reality TV show you had already finished— you figured it'd be good for background noise. Filling up the emptiness of your space. You end up taking a long nap, waking up close to dinner by Yaya calling you into the house to share some food with her. It felt nice catching up on sleep, since you weren’t able to get much the night before. You spend most of your early evening with Yaya, helping her clean up around the kitchen before you retreat back to your place and pick up your phone when a text goes off.

[seonghwa]: need anything for dinner?

[you]: no i ate already, ty. just get yourself something!

[seonghwa]: okay. i'll be over in a few mins

You tidy up even more as if it's the first time Seonghwa is coming over. But, you feel nervous all over again. You feel like every inch of your apartment has to be clean in order to prep; overall, it feels like nothing can really prep you for whatever will go down tonight between you and Seonghwa and this is only helping distract you from that thought. You just hope it ends on a good note.

"Sorry it took me a little longer, had hella shit to do for the trainees today." You shrug as you look at him from the couch, wrapped up in your blanket.

"It's okay."

"What'd you do when you got home?"

"Hm, clean. Nap. Eat dinner with Yaya. How was work?" He shrugs.

"Tiring." He plops next to you on the couch. You notice he's drinking a protein shake, with nothing else in hand.

"You didn't get anything to eat?" He shakes his head.

"I'm not really hungry."

"Hm, okay." You hum. "Thanks for still coming over even though you had a long day." He looks at you and gives you a toothless smile.

"Course." You scoot a little closer and he continues to watch you. He watches the cute little frown on your face build— staring at him all doe-eyed and it makes his heart flutter.

"I'm sorry for everything, pichu. I didn't mean to get mad at you that night the fight broke out. I just didn't wanna see you hurt and I'm stupid for not pushing Mingi away. For finding excuses. You shouldn't have to save me every single time and I'm sorry it has been that way over the years." You tilt your head. "I really am sorry, and I didn't mean to make things more complicated especially with the kiss. I probably ruined things with Makayla—"

"We're just friends." He chimes in. "We're just friends and you didn't ruin anything."

"She was at your place? In your clothes?" He nods and chuckles a bit.

"Yeah, cause things escalated for one night. I'm not gonna lie. But, that's really it. She knew.." Seonghwa looks at you and shakes his head. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me. She knew, what?" You place your hand on his and gentle shake it.

"She knew the way I felt about you, especially after that morning."

"Oh."

"I guess she could just tell."

"I'm sorry, Hwa." He clicks his teeth and caresses your cheek.

"Stop saying sorry. Nothing was ruined. Everything's good between us and we're still friends."

"Where does that leave us?"

"You know what I want. What do you want?" You look at him for a moment, really look at him, and he's patiently waiting for your response. His big, brown eyes are holding hope, holding love, holding every bit of affection he has for you— even though he's trying his best to keep it at bay. At this moment, you couldn't even question how Seonghwa felt for you because it's overflowing from his look alone. He really wanted you. He really wanted to give you the world, if you'd let him.

"I'm just scared, Hwa." You say, close to a whisper— bottom lip trembling. He lifts your chin as he scoots closer, keeping you close and warm while his big, brown eyes peer into yours with pure adoration. There's a mix of worry, concern, but he knows better than this. He knows you two are better than this.

"I am too, I have been for a long time. But, please trust me when I tell you that I'm here and that I'll never leave your side no matter what. I'm here, Y/N. I want this, I want you. I have always wanted this."

"Don't lie."

"You know I hate liars." He chuckles a bit.

"I feel the same, Hwa. I do.”

"Yeah? You're with me? Genuinely?" You nod. "I need you to be sure of us, Y/N."

"I'm sure. I'm sorry I ever doubted you or questioned it, but I'm sure." You shed a few more tears while Seonghwa chuckles a bit. "Hey." You whine. "I'm serious!"

"I am, too." He smiles. "Stop crying, you look ugly when you cry." He teases and you smack his arm. "Just come here." He says, pulling you closer and lifting your chin up. "I got you, okay? I got us.”

"Okay."

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" Seonghwa asks, close to a whisper. You quietly nod, watching as he dips forward and closes in for a kiss. It's soft, it's sweet, it's light. It makes your lips tingle, it makes you feel all sorts of butterflies. Before Seonghwa can pull back, you immediately chase after his lips— asking for another, just deeper, more intense. It quickly builds without having to do or say much; Seonghwa's large hand cupping your cheeks right before you straddle his lap, careful not to break the kiss. Your tongues are fighting for dominance, background noise now also being filled with the sound of wet kisses. Small whines and whimpers. Seonghwa's hands fall to your ass, giving it a good squeeze when he feels you slowly rock against his already-hard cock.

"Fuck." He hisses just as you suck onto his bottom lip and tug back on it. "Hold onto me." He demands as he swiftly carries you, letting you wrap your arms around his neck, legs around his waist. He drops you onto the bed and continues to kiss you, making his way down to your jaw. Neck.

"Gonna ask again.” He places a kiss on your jaw. “Sure about this? Us? If you want me to stop, I'll stop." You shake your head as Seonghwa continues to plant kisses wherever he can, thumb fiddling with the hem of your shorts.

"Keep going." You reassure him through a quick cheek caress when he stops and stares. "Please. I’m sure."

"Okay." He whispers before dipping in for a final kiss on the lips. The both of you continue to shed off your clothes, tossing them at different points in your studio. "You're still on birth control, right? I'm clean."

"Mhm." You barely respond before you let out a small gasp when Seonghwa's thumb run down your folds, feeling for how wet you are already. He presses at your sensitive nub, biting onto his bottom lip when he sees how you easily respond.

"So wet already." Your mouth waters when Seonghwa finally sheds off his boxers and pumps himself a few times. When Seonghwa tugs the covers up and slightly hovers over your body, he teases you for a few minutes by running his tip up and down your folds. He lets out a small moan before slowly breaching your entrance, sliding in with ease because of how wet you are.

This whole thing feels so raw, feels so new, feels so.. meant to be.

So perfect.

Like fitting in the last piece of a 1000-piece puzzle.

Seonghwa slowly works himself into you to adjust to the feeling, his mouth slacked open against yours at how good, how perfect, you feel. He finds a steady rhythm, your legs cocked open for him as he dives deeper, and deeper— hitting you in all the right spots. Seonghwa thinks the feeling is indescribable. It's the fact that the person he genuinely loves is underneath him, the person he genuinely loves has admitted in feeling the same about him, about this. It's the fact that everything feels so, so right.

It makes everything about this exciting, more pleasurable.

"God, you feel so good—" He groans. "Baby, fuck." The pet name sends shivers down your spine, eliciting a loud moan to slip from your lips. He picks up the pace, fucking into you rougher, faster.

"Seonghwa—" You whine. He sits up, hands splayed out on your thighs to keep them spread open while thrusting into you. He watches as you shut your eyes, back arching in pleasure, teeth biting onto your bottom lip to prevent yourself from moaning too loud. "Mm'close." You mewl as Seonghwa's hips become a little sloppier, his movements rough and hard. You start to move your hips to match his movements, tipping closer and closer over the edge with every move, every moan, every kiss. Suddenly, you still as you let out a loud moan of Seonghwa's name— a huge wave of pleasure, ecstasy, washing over your body. Seonghwa takes the opportunity to chase his high, hips stuttering just as he releases his seed into you shortly afterwards. A strangled, deep moan leaves his lips as he presses wet kisses against your neck, jaw, lips.

"Y/N." He looks at you, brushing the hair away from your face.

"Hm?"

"I love you."

♡ taglist: @hwasbabygirl @fairyofhueningkai @chngbnwf @tinyteezer @everyonewooeverywhere @pearbunny @mxnsxngie @starhwahwa @woosmaid @yeosangsbbg @jycas @lyracarvahall @huachengsbestie01 @laurenwidjaja @taz-97 @asjkdk @woojirang @svintsandghosts @cheolliehugs

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furiousgoldfish · 8 months

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When I was a little kid, I asked my mother 'What does a child need to survive in a desert?'. She wouldn't give me a straight answer, so I had to pull it out of her bit by bit. Would a child live if they had fruit? 'That's not enough', she said. Would it work if the child had milk? 'Maybe'. I kept asking what else, and then she put the dots together, and figured out why I was asking. 'Children can't survive without their mother', she told me curtly. I frowned, not liking this response. 'But, if they had fruit and milk?' I insisted. 'No. Child can't survive without a mother. Don't even think about it.'

But, I was thinking about it, and she knew it. She knew I was trying to find a way to escape the house we were living in. I was 6, maybe 7 at the time. She repeated over and over to me, you would die outside this house. Nobody else would take you in, there's no place for you anywhere else. You would only be a burden.

I didn't like that. I didn't like the idea of being a burden anywhere. But, I supposed she was right, other people didn't need a stray kid.

In my quest of not being a burden, I wanted to learn how to work. In the house I lived in, there were countless chores to be done, but somehow I was always stuck with the ones that required no knowledge or skill. Put the logs over there, clean, carry this over there, sweep, scrub, throw, wash, dig, gather, relocate, hold, lift, put down, bury, shut up, and don't ask questions. I wouldn't get any answers even if I did ask, why am I doing this, whats it for? I wasn't to know. I was kept blind, following orders, up to myself to figure out what was this a part of.

When I'd be ordered to do something I didn't know how, I would be told I 'should have learned it by watching others do it', but I was never free to watch while others worked. In fact, if anyone in the house was doing anything, and I was sitting or lying down, I would be screamed at for 'just watching others work and doing nothing'.

Reaching adulthood, I really wanted to know about cooking, but mother always chased me out of the kitchen if she was making something, or she would chore me with 'peeling the vegetables', which would then take all of my attention. I tried to sneak into the kitchen and learn by myself, but she chased me away as soon as she'd catch me, telling me off for 'wasting resources'. But, as she noticed my inclination, she decided to inform me, in a very clear manner, that I would never in my life know how to cook. You see, I was clumsy, slow, stupid, and would always only mess it up and waste precious ingredients. It was far above my abilities to learn how to cook. She gave me a clove of garlic to cut, and I couldn't do it well on my first try. She told me it was a proof that I was 'no good'. Then she gave me an onion to cut, and yelled at me for 'taking too long'. Now it was proven twice over. I couldn't cook. Everything would be ruined because I was taking too long to cut the vegetables. Also, I didn't know where food was even stored in the kitchen. She would never show me. (The food was stored in boxes in the basement. I would find out years later.)

With a heavy heart, I gave up on learning how to cook, and resigned myself to feeling forever guilty for 'eating their food', which was something my family regularly held over my head. You know, after I helped digging, working the soil, sowing, planting, weeding and spraying, it was still their land, and their food, and I 'had no right to it'. They were careful never to show me how to actually grow food, but just kept me busy with menial tasks that were never explained to me.

I was convinced my mother was a good person, because she usually wouldn't forbid me to eat, and if she wanted me to do a task, she would tell me in a humane way. For example 'Can you do x?'. The other family members had a more crude way, something like 'Why are you waiting to be told, do I have to spell out everything to you??' so her polite manner had completely won me over, I would have done anything for my sickly, poor, kind and generous mother, who was so worried for my troubled self, who couldn't learn how to do anything, or survive outside the house.

Even though my mother repeated through the years, that I would never be able to do anything, and also berated me if I ever tried to learn a new skill because 'it was worthless and wouldn't earn me any money', I would still sometimes gather a bit of momentum and courage, and figure hey, I should try to get a job. It would take months to gather that kind of confidence. And one such time, I announced my intentions, I'm going to look for a job! My mother laughed without looking at me. 'Who would hire you? You can't do anything.' Poof. That was my balloon of confidence, popping and then deflating into a tiny bulb. I didn't think she had any reason to lie to me. She knew me all my life. If she was confident that I can't do anything... then it had to be true. Otherwise why would she say that?

The rest of the family, of course, agreed. My grandmother, she had fantastic stories to share with me about how quickly I would be kidnapped, robbed, murdered, tortured, sold into slavery, you know all that good stuff that happens to every person outside their parents house. My father, who inherited massive amounts of land, 2 houses, illegally got his hands on a third, earned a very formidable salary, and constantly had me working for free for him, told me that it was in fact, impossible for a person to survive out there without inheritance. I frowned because I didn't agree with this, and I asked, what about the people who get a job and move into the city? They were living just from their wages. He shook his head and said that it may look like that, but they're all just living from their family's resources. I was old enough to not believe him. It's him who couldn't live without his inheritance, because he's an idiot, I thought.

So, I finally got to earn some money online. It was slow, and very tiny amount, I was freelancing and there was no consistent income, but my enthusiasm on being able to earn anything, was strong. After all, I had earned absolutely nothing working for my family for forever, and this was mine. I remember securing a big project and rushing to reassure my mother, to tell her that I was in fact, good for something, and she didn't have to worry anymore, I was going to make something of myself.

'You will never get another project again.' Her face was dead serious. 'You were lucky once. Don't count on this happening again'. I was speechless. Self doubt swallowed me whole. Was this only one-time occurrence? Was I stupid to believe it would happen again? I despaired. She was my mother, and she was older than me, and she knew the world better than I did. She wouldn't say this for no reason. Could she be right?

She brought it up to the rest of the family, and they all had things to say about it. 'Online work isn't real. The money doesn't even exist. You'll never see it. Show us where is this money. You can't, can you? And even if it does exist, it will all get stolen from you'.

Leaving me wrapped in my survival panic attack, they went on with their day, satisfied that they put me back in my place (which was an ongoing panic attack). I eventually recovered, and continued to work on projects. I was approached and told I would fail constantly, but even then, what could I do but work with my anxiety levels up to the roof and wait to fail? I had to try.

I didn't believe I would make it, because my mother's words 'you'll die, you'll die' were on repeat in my head, but I realized I would die in that house anyway, so I ran away from home. My mother was worried about me; she was in fact, so worried she called every person who knew me, all of friends, relatives, their kids, and told them about how badly worried she was for me, and how I needed to come back home. These people, well they were all worried too you see, so they had to call me, to tell me that I'm breaking my mother's heart, that I don't know how it feels to have a child and not know if their child is okay, apparently she was crying every time it rained because she thought I might be outside in the rain.

My guilt was activated, but I knew just what to do to resolve this situation. I responded to my mother's call, and she told me too, that she was dying from worry, so I said, listen! Listen to what I have! And I went around the apartment, and I listed all of the groceries I had bought and stored. I listed everything out to her, and then explained how to make multiple meals, I offered proof to her that I had already, in this short time, learned how to cook, and I was doing fine. I was sure she'd be so relieved to know that her child had food.

In my mind we were continuing the conversation we had when I was six. I have milk and fruit now mommy. You said I might survive if I have that.

'Okay, we KNOW you can do everything yourself--' She interrupted me angrily, unwilling to listen to my ongoing list of resources and skills. I froze. '--but you need to think about what you're doing to us and come back home!'

I hung up. Unbelieving. Two things I've been told in that sentence, and I had a hard time believing either. She- they- KNEW I could do everything myself. Since when? For how long? How could she possibly say this, after telling me my whole life, not only that I didn't know anything, but was too stupid to even learn? She knew I was capable the entire time? She knew I'd do just fine? And, she was angry about it. Hearing the list of resources and skills I had, it made her livid. After crying to all these people, and convincing me she was dying out of worry, she wasn't worried even one little bit. It was all fake. The entire time. She could either tell I was capable the entire time, or.. she never cared enough to even tell. It didn't matter. It only mattered that she convinced me that I can't survive. So I wouldn't run. So I would stay in that house, and so she could watch her violent husband, and violent mother in law beat me and call me animal names. While blocking my only possible exit.

Later I found out she changed her story. She was now telling people that I was now 'rich but so selfish I would not give any of my money to her'. It was almost funny. Her perspective of me rapidly shifted from 'incapable idiot who cannot survive' to 'selfish rich snob who won't give money'.

It stung. I had spent my life trying to protect her. Even after running, all I could think was how badly I wanted to take her away from that violent place, how much I wanted happiness for her. She watched me dying in that house and blocked my exit. She threw me back into the hands of violence and cheered them on as they broke me. She watched a kid being broken and told that kid they could not live, except if they stay and continue being broken, over and over again. I got jealous of all of the mothers who helped their kids escape. And of all the kids whose mothers escaped, taking them with. Keeping them safe. Why wasn't I worth keeping safe? But I can't look back in that way. That's not it. There was nobody to keep me safe. Nobody was my mother. Nobody was my parent.

My six year old self reached their goal. What does a child need to survive in a desert? Some fruit. And some milk. And some other groceries also don't hurt. And definitely not a mother like this one.

#abusive mother #recognizing abuse #cruelty concealed as worry #escape sabotage #mother keeping a child trapped in abuse #using a child as a shield from violence #abusers keeping your confidence down to stop you from escaping #abusers lying through their teeth #child abuse #survival resources #toxic family #toxic mother #i don't even know what her deal is #but her cruelty crushed me

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3xiles · 4 months

Text

Sweet lies part two

Pairing •Toji x gn!reader

Warnings• Angst!, Cheating, suggestive (they like lowkey make out), manipulation, UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!, Cursing. Lmk if i forgot any!

Word count • 1079 words

A/n • I had this pre written ever since i put out the first part but was so hesitant on posting it LMAO! Enjoy! Masterlist is pinned!

You knew life after the honeymoon phase was rough but nothing could’ve prepared you for the drastic switch in you and Toji’s relationship. About two months the after you guys got married is when you realized the mistake you made. Your days went from him coming home from work and showering you with affection to him coming in with an inaudible hello. You were confused on what you could be doing wrong. He was coming home to a clean house with food on the table, a bath prepared and you all dolled up for him, just how he liked it. This went on for months and throughout those months he’s just been coming home later and later. The man who was once coming home every day at five now walking through the front door as late as ten at night. It didn’t bother you until your 26th birthday.

You woke up excited to celebrate your first birthday as a married woman. For your birthday last year Toji went all out so you couldn’t help but let your expectations be high! Toji wasn’t there when you woke up, which was normal because he usually leaves extremely early in the morning. You spent your day pampering yourself to the max, expecting to maybe go out later. Soon enough five o clock rolls around. You sit pretty and patient on the couch, telling yourself he’s just running a little late. You wait… and you wait.. sending text after text to your husband every hour.

Hubby💍❤️

5:30pm

Y/n: Hey babe coming home soon?