#Actually we do have safe foods but it's So Autism today that we don't have the *right* safe foods

[2boldlyqueer]

I'm really hungry but the autism says no to everything in the house :(

[survey--s]

617.

1. Who was the last person you forgave? How long did it take you to forgive them? I don't remember the last time I felt like I had to forgive someone, to be quite honest.

2. Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? Not really. I wouldn't trust myself to know what was safe.

3. What is your favorite junk food? How about your favorite health food? French fries or proper "chippy chips". Health-wise, I love mango, watermelon and aubergines.

4. Are you listening to anything right now? Do you normally listen to music while you take surveys? I'm watching Below Deck: Down Under. I prefer to watch TV over listening to music but it depends on my mood.

5. What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? I went out for coffee with Susie on Sunday morning.

6. Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? Yeah, I'm autistic and I can struggle to relate to people sometimes. I'm not great at reading social cues which can cause problems.

7. Is there anything you’re really particular or specific about, anything that has to be done a certain way every time? Yeah, most things hahah. I'm very routine driven (again, autism) and that's another thing that can cause problems - if things aren't done according to my routine then I can find it really stressful and overwhelming.

8. Are there any chores you need to get done today? We need to sort the bookshelf in the living room so that the BT engineer can access all the sockets tomorrow. I can't do anything about that until Mike's back though as I can't move it alone and the stuff on there isn't mine to move.

9. Where was the last place you went shopping and what did you buy? In person? I went to the supermarket on Sunday to get coffee, muffins and some other random bits. I have my main food shop arriving in an hour though.

10. What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? I haven't made a big change to my appearance in ages.

11. Are you more likely to shut people out of your life or try to fix things no matter what? I don't really shut people out but equally I'm not someone who's willing to fight for someone who's clearly not that interested.

12. Where was the last place you went out to eat? Is going out something you enjoy or would you rather cook at home? A local pub yesterday. I love going out for meals but it's so expensive these days - I only went yesterday as my mum was paying LOL.

13. If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? Archie definitely seems to understand when I don't feel very well, he always comes for a cuddle and doesn't ask to go for a walk or to play or anything, he just curls up next to me the entire time. The cats don't really give a shit LOL. Layla actually used to sit with me when I had my periods - and always on my stomach so maybe she realised on some level.

15. Is anything you’ve done lately going to matter in a year? Where's question 14? Anyway, yeah, I hope so.

16. What was the subject of your last phone call? I have no idea, I pretty much never talk to anyone on the phone.

17. Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? It depends on the hobby. I do surveys and watch TV alone but I love shopping and walking dogs with other people. When I ride I prefer to be with other people too, but more for safety reasons than anything else. I'm rubbish at riding and having a conversation at the same time, hahah.

18. Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? No, not really. I generally can't be bothered to do much self-improvement, if I'm being honest hah.

19. What are you doing today? Not much. I had a lie-in, took the dog out to explore a new walk, had a shower and since then I've just been watching TV and messing about online. The food shop is arriving in an hour so and then...that's it really.

20. What did you dream about last night? I can't remember it now but I remember waking up and thinking it was a really weird dream.

21. When was the last time you visited with relatives? Do you see extended family often? I saw my mum yesterday but most of my family live in Australia and I've not been back there in about a decade now. It's just too expensive and takes up too much of my annual leave. I last saw some of my Australian family pre-COVID when they visited for a few weeks.

22. What was the last relaxing thing you did? My whole day has been pretty relaxing - I slept in, had a lovely walk with Archie, had a shower and I've just been chilling ever since. I could easily take a nap if I didn't need to sort the shopping soon lol.

23. Will this weekend be better than last weekend? They'll probably be about the same.

24. When was the last time you were there for a friend? I guess just in general recently for Susie - she's been really struggling with Reuben and how tying it is to have a new puppy - especially when she never wanted him in the first place lol.

25. Do you have any jewelry you almost never take off? I never take any of my jewellery off/out unless I'm changing it.

26. What are some of your favorite words? Discombobulation, charisma, eclectic, antidisestablishmentarianism.

27. Do you have any journals from when you were younger? If so, do you ever go back and read them? Nah, I chucked them all out when my parents moved up here. I did re-read them at one point and just cringed - I was so dramatic as a teenager lol.

28. Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? Halloween and Easter, I guess.

29. What was the last occasion for which you dressed up? Uhh. I honestly couldn't tell you - probably my own wedding lol.

30. Is there anything you wish you could say to anyone? Yeah, I guess so.

[kris-the-yan]

not really a vent, but uh, basically something that's been affecting me for a while actually

Tw for sui mention, bullying

So, for a while I haven't even understood myself very well and I think I just figured myself out more and why I'm the way I am, pretty much

So basically, I've figured out that there's a pretty good chance I have autism, and here's why

Since I was little I've actually preferred to teach myself on several things (for example I refused to let my parents teach me how to read), and there were at least a couple of minor delays (for example, a speech delay), however they were so minor that no one would even think anything was really wrong with me even today.

I've always been super attached to fiction, even with being restricted to only a few things I like. Overall, I'd say fiction is my biggest interest.

I also find myself to lean towards animals more than people in general, which apparently is common with autism I guess?

There's also the thing I struggle with noise, there's certain noises I hate and I especially don't like loud noises. There's also certain foods I avoid due to their texture (ie applesauce). Also, I hate brightness outside.

Now here's why me saying I'm autistic is important: it's actually what provoked my peers to bully me in school, especially the one who did it the most (who I won't name).

The first time being in more social situations was actually when I used to go to church, which was only on Sundays. I don't remember how I felt around, I think I remember feeling safe around the other kids, solely because they were nice to me

That was about, maybe a year before 5th grade, when I went to an actual school (a christian private school), which meant I was with other kids, daily (also the time I got over my fear of using public restrooms. Not going into detail on that don't ask me)

I was shy, very shy. There were times I've actually cried there. I even went to outdoor school for the first time, which I actually got sick due to nerves (however I chose to stay because my best friend at the time was there too)

Speaking of them, we actually became best friends because we were both in 5th grade (and it was before we realized we were non-binary, at the time we were the only 5th graders who weren't boys)

But I also excelled academically, I got plenty of awards because of this.

6th grade came, and I was actually going to a public school) because private school was getting too expensive for my mom) and, *oh dear god.*

That's actually where the trauma actually started, I was bullied big time. Sure there were a few kids who picked on me every now and then, but there was this one asshole who was mean to me. He even said to my friend IN FRONT OF ME that I was "weird" and "annoying".

This also spread into junior high, he would still be mean to me from time to time, but it would happen less often because we were in different classes (in 6th grade he was my classmates, unfortunately).

Now, I wouldn't be as shy as I am today if it weren't for the trauma that I went through and if I was actually treated with respect. My fucking 6th grade teacher had the audacity to tell me that I was telking on this kid "for attention" even though it was an ongoing issue that nobody was doing anything effective about. Nothing fucking worked.

Anyway, I was also put in advanced math, which was great, which meant I can avoid being in the same class as him. I saw that I I was better than him, academically. It was how I could avoid feeling like he was more powerful than me. He mentally abused me, but why not show that I can be better than him, the bully?

In high school, I was always pushing myself to be better, especially in my classes; not only that, but I could actually handle being in those honors classes. Honors math and science. I even took some college classes while in high school. I was ahead of most of the kids in my grade, and was with basically the smartest kids in my grade.

That meant everything to me, not only because I wanted a reason to be better than that kid who bullied me, but also because I kept getting praised for being on top of the class. By my parents, and even the teachers. I had high expectations for myself.

Everything was alright, until after the distanced learning that everyone went through.

I eventually experienced what I believe to be burnout. Spending nearly all my energy staying on top of the class, and not focusing enough on what I wanted to do after high school.

Those high expectations I held for myself, trying to keep up with all that? Trying to have better grades than my bully so that I didn't feel so weak against him? That basically shattered my motivation. Now I'm basically stuck with a job that won't even keep me living in an apartment long enough without getting evicted due to not affording rent, along with food and other expenses.

So I graduated, now what? All that energy spent on trying to be the best overall, barely allowing myself to fail, now I'm not even sure if I even want to go to college at this point.

If you've seen my mental breakdowns on my vent accounts, breaking down at even the simplest things, well, trauma basically refused to let me grow out of it, so now here I am, sill a sensitive person, sensitive to criticism (hence why I talk about having RSD).

And now, because of that, because of how sensitive I am, if I get very unhappy (which happens often) I usually talk about wanting to kms (sometimes I even think about it, as well as wanting to harm myself, although I don't actually do that because I'm afraid of the pain). In my opinion, I think my mental problems basically manifested around age 18-19, since that's when my mental problems seem to have worsened.

I also experience a lot of self-hatred, that I'm very sure co.es from getting bullied basically for being myself.

So, now what? I've figured this out, I understand myself even more, but what else do I do with it other than letting you guys know why I'm the way I am? Why I break down easily and why I'm shy, and why I'm so... weird?

Maybe not feeling much emotion has to do with this trauma, maybe some of it has to do with autism, maybe both?

Now because of all this, I cam say I most likely need therapy, but I don't know, I don't really want to see one either, most likely having to do with how I prefer to do things on my own.

Tldr: I figured out that I'm more than likely autistic, which provoked other kids to bully me, which led to trauma, which led to my mental problems I show.

Now even though I basically self-diagnosed myself, I don't want to get a professional diagnosis, as that can jeopardize me being able to get a driver's license or even living independently, even though I may actually have the mental ability for that.

(Sorry if this is hard to follow, if you want me to explain other parts let me know)

[castle-dominion]

c4x13 an embarrassment of bitches I have actually seen this one before! I didn't realize that! I also didn't really like it all that much & got it mixed up with another episode of another show but idk which.

boring ew lmao as if who cares lmao who cares

buttons is nonbinary Castle is right, be safe AC: We were going to take your Ferrari and hook up with some boys we met on Craigslist. buttons dutton lmao they are SO nonbinary RC: Please don’t call me that.

the girls are fightingggg

nice red coat on becks there autism or smth

Yeah keep the dog out of the room but dogs are the silent witness. ryan lookin pretty today as always. Purple shirt, top button undone but wearing a tie

this man is upset lol What was he into? On the take as in bribes? it's a dog... Ok this was funny: Just look at that mutt. XP Now back to my Max. UwU Now the mutt. XP That’s all the proof I need.

Oh gosh this lady is... something. Why'd she take a vid tho?

Next day? Different clothes it seems.

RC: Even more perplexing, why in almost every photo is she posed like this? *Castle strikes a ridiculous “sexy” pose in front of the paparazzi and they flock to snap his photo.* Paparazzo: Hey, that’s not Jason Bateman. Paparazzi: awwwwww

Love the music.

Reggie Starr: You two must be the, uh, soft drink people, right? KB: Actually, no. "We" are NYPD. We’re here to speak with Kay Cappuccio. RS: Oh, my bad. Uh…why don’t you just grab a squat right over there? KB: Excuse me? RS: Phoebe will bring you a goji berry juice. KB: You know what? I think I have a better idea. [Beckett steps forward into the photoshoot.] KB: Everybody, take five. RS: Whoa. Hold on a second. Kay Cappuccio doesn’t have five to spare. RC: How about 15 to 20? [That catches Reggie’s attention.] RC: And that goji berry juice sounds delightful.

Little dogs are just like that. RS looks sus there KC: Fine. We didn’t talk about anything, because he was already dead. KB: You found the body? KC: Yeah. KB: And you didn’t call 9-1-1? KC: No, I did as soon as I got into the limo. No harm, no foul, right? KB: You fled a crime scene. KC: All right. (chuckles) Have you heard the phrase, “There’s no such thing as bad press”? Having your picture taken with a dead guy is the exception. [idk if that is true, dead body doesn't seem so bad.] I have to be so careful with my image. My image is all I have. RC: Yeah. No, we were just talking about that.

Kate is pretty, turtleneck with a blazer. Rick is pretty, grey shirt with a blazer. Ryan is pretty, dress shirt+tie with a sweater. Espt is kinda grungy but I like it well enough. lol underdog? *hits espt* *espt looks at him bc "nobody touches me"* dr barker? Really? Lanie coming up with the doggo! They all look so happy to have the dog up here. RC: Or…we could keep him here at the precinct. I mean, we could use a mascot. JE: I thought that’s what you were. *dying laughing* RC: Thatwhat’s that? What’s that, buddy? Esposito’s sense of humor fell down a well and can’t get out? JE: ??

LP: Then you better find out what kind of food he eats, because he’s not touching the stuff I put out. KB: Well, there’s gotta be some food for him at Francisco’s place. Who wants to make a run for it? JE: To go get dog food? KB: [all three sort of at the same time] JE: Castle RC: Ryan KR: Esposito JE: *looks at ryan in betrayal bc they could have teamed up to send out castle* Ok the filipinos are right when they have that up hand down hand game that I don't understand. It's like evens & odds which is a game that I DO understand. Everyone puts in their hands & on three they put out a number of fingers, usually one or two. The odd one out is the winner. In this case they would be the loser though. Then once you eliminate that person you can do rock paper scissors. It works with three people or more but it might need a few rounds. You will always get rid of more than half of the people when playing odd one out. settle it like men lol. They don't count tho, rock paper scissors shoot. Espt: Snip

How did they not know who they were talking about? lmao She might still be a doctor! Yeah! Let the canine therapist talk to the dog! KB: Of your time, sure.

Becks has some crazy hair rn

RC: Tell me…did Francisco ever observe you during your sessions? PB: No. He waited outside. Why? Because either he was paying you too much or he had a pet play kink

Nice especkett is heading out here, love it. Espt has a nice scard rn btw. rly love it.

Oh no Growl right back at them bro.

Girl dogs are scary af running like obelix & asterix.

lmao dog breeding? srs? it was honest work <3 that guy passed away recently. the bug finder that ryan found

It could have been ANY time this morning ryan didn't specify.

Wow music. Wow people. Wow her walk. Ryan & espt's mouths lol. Royal sad. Booty. Ryan's device. Ooh & the way he picks it up nice nice.

ew dogs. RC: Tell me, does the phrase “corporate espionage” mean anything to you? KC: No RC: KC: No, seriously. I have no idea what it means. Why is ryan interrupting so awkwardly?

JE: Dude, look at that outfit. Where is she gonna put a wire? RC: Well, if I had to be creative, I’d guess— KB: RC: That’s rhetorical. KR: We went into the tech room [Ohhh so they have a tech room that's probably what that room with the tv is!] to isolate the frequency that the bug was transmitting on, and we found, uh, well… JE: Show ‘em. KR: All right. *turns on TV to get a good view of boobs, like real bazongas*

KC: Oh, well, I mean, it’s not just any celebrity video— I mean, TMZ’s offered, like, a million bucks for the first naked picture of me. JE, being horny: You ask me, that number’s on the low side. KB:

KB: And then there might be a trail that leads back to the guilty party. So we’re gonna have to find somebody to pull all those photos-- JE: I’ll do it. RC: Got a little case of, uh…puppy love there, Esposito? <3 they love making fun of him RC spotting royal in the conference room: Aw. Looks like Esposito isn’t the only frustrated dog in the precinct. Who closed him up in there?

*starts rubbing her hand intimately* GIRL This reminds me. When they had the murder suspect amnesiac they let him crash on the couch. The dog tho is going home with castle or beckett. Then later espt takes home that kid. & we finally get to see his apartment.

KC: I never thought I would say this, but I am so sick of looking at myself right now. I can’t even imagine how you must feel. JE, enjoying looking at pics of pretty women: Don’t worry about me. WHY are they going thru the pics so SLOW? Wow there's humanity here now. Weird. She's all depressed bc she feels talentless. You can be talentless tho bc skills are things you can build. ofc it takes more work bc talents just come naturally & skills take time & effort but shush.

Hyatt is such a name. I remember he sent a dead body to brackenreid once & john almost opened up the chest. Espt is being really protective of kay rn. Bro chill.

My dad's cat has a grease spot on the window from where her cat tree is & she puts her face on the window. it's so adorable. RC: Who’s a good boy, huh? Who’s a good boy? Is Marcus a good boy? No, he’s not a good boy. He’s a bad boy. Man has a bit of a lisp that makes it sound like he's shitting here not sitting here lol Could be dog trafficking, not necessarily drugs

Ah he's a US customs agent lol. Get ryan on the job he was a drug cop. Should have given him the hella fancy coffee

Beckett's on drugs lol Essence of poppyflower ohhhhh These are real narcotics, they are from poppyseed or smth. Not all street drugs are narcotics & ppl tend to forget that.

omg ryan is wearing a blue suit (kind of striped) with a pink shirt & no tie omg y'all I might be a lesbian. (Yes I'm only half woman, yes I'm also half man, yes he's also a man, but he's the kind of guy lesbians say are attractive even if they are not attracted themselves. Like I find him cute as a lesbian. Not as a straight girl not as a gay boy not as a straight boy but as a lesbian. it's complicated shut up.) Oh & while we're at it espt has a nice jacket too & it looks good on him, it has like the leather jacket looking bit (probs polyester or vinyl, tho in some lighting it looks almost denim) & then the fabric sleeves, I love it. Oh esposito is so sad that she's the one.

KB: So, we have reason to suspect that our killer was wearing your perfume. KC: Well, that’s impossible. It wasn’t even out yet. I’m the only person that had it. KR: Does she realize she just incriminated herself? JE: I said she was nice. I didn’t say anything about smart.

Looking thru the window like that? v sus. HOLY MOLY well as soon as my little bro is gone I am watching that fight scene again & posting the clip!

KB: Yeah, and, um, you know, I was wrong about something, too. Turns out having a mascot in the precinct can be pretty useful. Me: You mean rick or royal?

All the cops watching them fight over royal KC: Oh, yes, Lolita and I need a big strong man around the house, JE:

AC: You said, you’d be the one who’d wind up having to feed it, and it was hard enough remembering to feed me every day. RC: Yeah, I…I don’t remember that last part. AC: It was subtext. Barely. theyre so cute: So…this dog you want o get, you know, for me…this wouldn’t be an enticement to come home from college more often, would it?

Maybe I hadn't seen this one before. Regardless, it was fun enough.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m glad you’re home safe after a good visit. I have a question I hope you and your readership might help with. I have a very difficult relationship with food (maybe a super taster, I’ve always had problems and not eaten enough, and I’m almost 30). I’m intimidated about seeing a nutritionist or doctor, and I like to research in preparation. Do you have suggestions for good sources to read about nutrition needs, supplement efficacy, and workarounds? I know this is a big ask.

Honestly, Anon, I know very little about nutrition or supplements, and my workarounds are mostly personal -- the supertaster tag on my tumblr will have the best discussion of those (both mine, as a supertaster, and my brother's, as an eater with autism). And wellness culture has absolutely infected every corner of the internet, making differentiation between "knowledge" and "garbage" online very difficult when it comes to food. But...well, that's why we go to experts like doctors and nutritionists!

I think the urge to research beforehand is admirable, and if it's driven by anxiety it's not something I want to dismiss because that's a coping mechanism that may actually get you in front of someone who can help. But I think if you don't even know where to start, the best possible thing you can do is make a list of questions...and then take them to someone with a degree in Answering Those Questions.

You don't actually have to take any of their advice; with doctors this can be a bit daunting because often they want to immediately create a plan to solve something, and sometimes you're not ready for the plan and have to assert that a bit. But it's absolutely okay to go to a professional and ask some questions and then say, "I need to think about this some more" before you get a prescription or a meal plan or anything like that.

So if it were me, I would prepare by writing up a little paragraph about what my issues truly are (taste, texture, some psychological fuckery around diets/weight, etc) and what I want to do about them; I would also set some barriers ahead of time, like "I just want information, I don't want to take any action today" or "I'd like to explore three options and no more than three" or similar. If you have any issues at all surrounding weight, definitely be ready to set a boundary of "I'm not interested in weight loss diets" or "I'm looking to improve my nutrition at my current weight". If you have specific questions, make a list of those, as well. (My company currently, with most of the lung health/covid safety/etc kits we give out, includes a pad of sheets where you can record symptoms, onset, how they make you feel, and what questions you have about them, to hand to your doctor, and I LOVE that we do that.)

Even if you do all that and then find you're still unwilling to speak to a professional, which is totally understandable, at least then you have a better idea of where to look. Particularly when it comes to food and nutrition, I couldn't even begin to make recommendations without knowing what you're looking for more specifically, and unless it's directly to do with flavor I'm still of very, very little help.

But if readers have recommendations for sites with good evidence-based resources surrounding nutrition for people with food issues, please feel free to share! Remember to reblog or comment, as I don't post asks sent in response to other asks.

[2amtechnicolor]

Happy Autism Acceptance Day!!

I haven't done a personal post in a while, so I thought I'd type one out for today.

As many of you already know, I am autistic! I had suspected it since I was in high school, but I "officially" got diagnosed last year.

So I thought I'd talk about how autism affects my life, and how I interact with the world. I hope this gives you some insight into how autism presents and how an autistic person thinks!

Disclaimer: I don't require much outside support and I cannot and will not speak for those who do. Please listen to all sorts of autistic people, not just the ones who can communicate in a seemingly neurotypical manner.

Hyperempathy

I thought I'd start off with one of the most misunderstood autism symptoms. It's very common for an autistic person to have low empathy or high empathy, or fluctuate between the two. But because of the stigmatization of low empathy, hyperempathy is thought to be "all good" with no drawbacks.

The best way I saw hyperempathy described is having high "affective" or "emotional" empathy, and low "cognitive" empathy. It basically means we pick up on a whole lot of emotional signals, but have no idea what we're supposed to do with them. WHen I was a kid, I'd cry at the drop of a hat, not just sniffles, but full on screaming in tears.

The two biggest struggles I have with my hyperempathy are hoarding and politics.

With hoarding, I had lots of trouble throwing things out or donating them because I thought I was making them "sad" because I didn't want them anymore. Or, if something was a gift and I wasn't using it, I'd make the gift-giver sad for giving it away. I've begun working through that with some Marie Kondo tips: turning the feelings the objects have into gratitude for helping me and encouragement to help others. If I have lots of trouble throwing something away that needs to go (like old pillows) because of my hyperempathy, I ask someone else to do it when I'm not around so I don't have to see it and I can forget about it. I'm getting a lot better at this as I've grown up and learned more cognitive empathy.

With politics...I just get way too involved in discourse. I have my own opinions, and my own beliefs, but I only bring them up when necessary, and don't go hunting for debates. I have to pick my battles because otherwise I get consumed with anger and sadness and injustice. Instead, I curate my online experience to be safe and uplifting, while directing my feelings of injustice and inequality towards offline work, such as community outreach and volunteer work.

Sensory Issues

I'm incredibly sensitive to a lot of sensations. I'm highly noise sensitive, light sensitive, and pain sensitive, to the point that too much noise, light, or uncomfortable clothing can start to give me migraines.

I usually wear headphones in public, and I keep my lights fairly dim. I'm actually pretty skilled at getting around my house in the dark, which scares my family to no end, but I prefer it.

Pain sensitivity is harder to deal with. I wear clothes that are comfortable (usually tagless, and loose-fitting) and avoid situations where I may get hurt. I do like some adrenaline-inducing things, such as rollercoasters and bike-riding, but that just means I take every safety precaution and go in with the mindset that I may get bumped up a bit if I'm not careful.

I also have sensitivity to certain food textures and general smells. I always feel bad about this one, because it limits where my family can go, and I don't want to insult the chef by not finishing a meal. And with smells...well, my dad likes to clean the carpet regularly with a steamer but the smell makes me nauseous, so I can't even be on the same floor when it's running. A lot of other cleaning supplies affect me the same way if they're too chemically or lemony. We've gotten into fights over this.

Special Interests

I have very particular interests that I LOVE talking about: Video games, kawaii culture and aesthetics, and my OCs. So I get pretty upset when someone misunderstands something or doesn't know everything right away. The majority of my family has completely different interests, so I sometimes feel shut out because of these. Not to mention, because my interests are niche, it's hard to find people in real life to talk to.

This is why I love Tumblr: we're all here to obsess over weirdly specific topics.

Social Interaction

I don't like eye contact. I don't like interacting with people IRL in general without a "script". I'm terrible with names and faces, and get bored of conversation topics easily. When I'm tired, this can result in me seeming disinterested or bored or outright rude to people I'm usually polite to.

I don't mean to be. I just need a lot of time to recharge away from people. I'm usually better at communicating online over text because I can carefully choose and plan what I want to say and I can disconnect at any time.

(This is also why I don't like Tiktok!! My brain treats it as social interaction because of so many faces and I get so burnt out.)

Emotional Dysregulation

Lastly, I have troubling with distress tolerance and regulating my emotions. If something irks me and I know I can "fix" it, it's going to bother me all day. (Example: My waterbottle cap got stuck this morning. I spent 30 minutes trying to get it unstuck, despite having another way to empty and refill it.)

I could be on top of the world one minute and crying the next and then suddenly neutral again. I'm not quick to anger, but when I do, I snap and my family says it's pretty scary.

I'm really good at hiding my emotions on my face, but my brain tends to be a hurricane of feelings. It can be pretty exhausting.

Finally...a quick round up of things I do like about being autistic!

I tend to be fairly reliable since I like following a schedule

Rules are very helpful for me, and I'll rarely try to break them unless I see someone else do it first

My hyperempathy gives me different perspectives on issues, so I don't spend my whole time in a bubble

My sensory issues mean I end up being fairly detail oriented, being about to pick out small inconsistencies in sight, sound, and taste.

I have a brain that seems to be built for picking up useless information. I'm amazing at trivia.

I'm a great listener since I like to follow the "rules" of social interaction

When I'm happy, I'm really, really, really happy!

[thurisazsalail]

Today I was in a long line, telling a much older woman that it might be time to get a rollator. Those are like walkers kinda, but they got wheels and a seat. I have a bad ... everything, but I kept it to "bad back" and it's hard to stand in lines. She has a lot of leg pain. We agreed that every company is cutting staff to save money, so lines might be a lot of waiting with just one cashier. A rollator might bridge the gap for now. A chair anywhere we need it!

Of course I let her go first. I'm able to tolerate pain to the degree the docs are worried that I'll have another seizure from it before I notice. I fractured my jaw in Nov and by Dec got so annoyed with the pain under one specific tooth, i went to see a dentist. I thought I'd damaged it at the root. Lol found out after i got into a specialist about the fracture... in early May. *that* kind of pain tolerance. Thank you, autism! But I didn't think she could take it, having to stand longer. She wanted me to go ahead but I really did have ~10 things + coupons, and she had maybe 2.

Lesson 1) OTC aids like rollators, shower seats, feet scrubby thingies, etc. are for EVERYONE.

You want a chair no matter where you go? Jus make that happen. Collapsable short stool, rollator, whatever. DO IT. My partner won't get a shower seat because he Isn't Old. ... is there someone checking ID at the curtain? What's going ON back there? Sometimes after 10 hours of work, a person wants to sit down while warm water pours over their head. A shower seat is like $30 at walmart and they're collapsible. Anyone can have one. There's no ID check.

I started thinking of everything I had to do the rest of the day, everything I'd already done to help me make sure I checked all items off the list (I get the car ~2x/wk; I need to do EVERYTHING on those days!) Then everything I have to find energy for tomorrow with chronic fatigue + Too Much today... and I thought, "it's too much. I just want to die."

But wait. DO I? Do I still just want to die?

Let's be accurate when naming the issue:

- I have EDS + it makes everything So Much Harder, esp when chronic fatigue is at play

- I have done a LOT from 9am-2pm

- I still had ~4hrs of work, minimum, today. There is no one to take it over for me.

- Tomorrow, I have to start at 8am and have a long list of Things that a healthy person might struggle with

- this is so overwhelmingly insurmountable, I can't begin to say

- i don't actually want to *die.* If the dishes were magically done + put away, the kitchen baseboards were scrubbed of all the drywall dust from pest control, and the floor mopped... things would actually feel somewhat relieved. Those are big tasks for me since they require physical exertion, standing, accurate finger/hand dexterity (I drop + break dishes a Lot.)

I don't want to die. I want fewer hard things to do. I want more accessibility.

I'm still angry that this body betrayed me. I was *supposed* to have FREEDOM and instead, I'm constrained by needing someone to lift the damn cat litter for me even though it's only 10bs and I used to carry 50 on an arm.

I have to make damn near everything from scratch because almost nothing is a safe food now. Everything gluten free is now ALSO vegan, but vegan food tends to rely on PEAS for protein... and I can't eat legumes other than peanuts. AND thanks to Americans and their obsession with sweets, everything that used to have (too much) perfectly safe sugar now has migraine + seizure-inducing aspartame in it! 0 calorie!!1

So. Besides fucking rice and straight chicken, nothing is safe. Unless... I make it myself. But I *can't* because I have to have energy to cook, brainpower to cook accurately, physical stamina to cook and really focus to have the dexterity, then not burn or injure myself during cooking (i do this almost every day.) THEN see all these things and ask "How do I clean up after?" GOOD QUESTION. MAYBE IN 48 HOURS, I WILL KNOW.

I don't actually want to die. I want this body to work again. I want accessibility. I want some safe freaking food that I didn't have to hurt myself to make. I don't want to have to MAKE everything besides Cheerios from scratch. I could use some assistance in doing more things that are hard for me.

I don't think I'll ever see most of that. The body working sure as won't happen.

So I might look into how useful I find a rollator, instead. And try some other flavours of cheerios.

The search for fake sugar-free whey protein that also serves for meal replacement and doesn't have peas in it continues.