#APPARENTLY I'M INCAPABLE OF SOUNDING LIKE ANYONE ELSE

[malachitezmeyka]

Me: So yeah, in the Sacrifice AU in order to cope with her trauma Suiren develops an alterhuman thing where she thinks of herself as a malevolent swamp spirit, both to feel invincible and to prove everyone who turned against her right, in a "you want me to be the villain? Fine, I'll be the villain" kind of way. They think of her as evil and rotten and an omen of doom? Okay, so be it, maybe she is all those things and more, much more than they can ever imagine. She'll show them all

My brain: Mhm, mhm, and I suppose your intense self hatred, the endless criticism you face from everyone in your life, the unyielding sense of impending doom hanging over you like a dark cloud, the hysterics you fall into whenever you think about how this endless every day battle won't end with highschool and you still have to go to uni afterwards and then work every day of your life until you eventually drop dead, all the while knowing you will never be loved like you want to because there are more As in your aspec identity than in your report card which, combined with everything else, makes you want to say "fuck it" to every last expectation, stop putting in the effort, ignore assignments and stop caring about reviewing bad grades, not do any studying at all and wing your exams and fail to get accepted anywhere with the low scores you'll likely get if you do that, effectively throwing your whole life away, just so your parents can finally be justified in calling you a disappointment, just so you can actually be as bad as they make you out to be and so much worse... has nothing to do with any of that, then?

Me: ...... oh for FUCK'S SAKE–

[bird-inacage]

Only Friends: Can Ray be Redeemed? Is Sand the Solution?

I know Ray has upset a lot of people in Episode 8. I do find it really fascinating how quickly the tide has turned on him, especially when you compare his actions to those of our villains of the first arc: Boston and Top. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I still choose to believe that Ray does care. He's hugely misguided but not heartless.

Let me firstly preface that none of what I'm about to say excuses Ray's behaviour but is an attempt to unpack why I still hold hope.

A child lost with no anchor

Ray is emotionally immature (which as cliché as it sounds, is a direct product of his upbringing - or lack thereof). He largely operates on basic needs, as a child would: 'I want. I need'. It's all based on serving the self. He seems wildly incapable of thinking very far beyond that. Like a child, he can barely take care of himself, let alone anyone else. He's pretty helpless on his own in a lot of respects. Most people grow out of this. Through knocks and hardship, we learn the world doesn't revolve around us and how to equip ourselves with healthy and appropriate means to navigate through life. Ray however, still seems to be stuck in his infantile box.

I often joke that Ray is a bit feral, but there is some truth to that. Ray's been left to his own devices for the majority of his life. So it's no surprise he's developed this 'me against the world' attitude which is volatile and defensive, but ultimately keeps him caged in said box.

These traits are abundantly apparent in his relationship with Mew. Ray is the vehicle for Mew's self-destruction, but all he sees is the exhilaration of having a 'partner in crime', someone to be in 'cahoots with'. Like a pair of naughty school kids getting into mischief, rather than an adult partnership. Ray is all about immediate gratification over long term fulfilment because (as children do), they don't possess the wisdom and experience to think ahead. Ray seems unable to grasp repercussions or consequences in his decision making. It's always act first, think second.

To put it simply, Ray hasn't been taught boundaries and how to respect them. He just gets criticised for crossing them which doesn’t help him learn. No one has had the patience to teach him why and how. To guide, to steer, to direct, to mentor. To educate rather than scold. Prevention rather than cure. As a result, everyone around Ray serves to clean up his messes rather than equip him with the ability to not create them in the first place. He falls into patterns of behaviour that no one has seriously attempted to break which has only amplified with adulthood. The longer those habits prevail, the harder they are to change.

Does Ray harbour ill-will or bad intent?

Is Ray the worst? In my opinion, no. (Not yet anyway - I might eat my words later, who knows). I've said this somewhere before but intent makes all the difference when judging someone's actions. Choosing to actively cause harm whilst being fully conscious of the impact versus triggering damage to occur as a symptom of your behaviour is vastly different. This is where Ray and Boston differ. Boston acts without remorse, he purposely and calculatingly makes choices that will cause the maximum degree of suffering. Whereas Ray's a loose cannon. He leaves a trail of destruction where he goes, due to a lack of control and means to channel how he feels in a constructive manner. Boston's victims are targets, whereas Ray's victims are collateral.

I don't think Ray means to purposely hurt or harm the people he cares about. Because in doing so, he'll push them away - which is precisely what he doesn't want. (Though saying that, Ray doesn't seem to give as much of a damn if it's people he isn't invested in, such as Top). Ray's world consists of what Ray needs. It's not that he doesn't care about a single person besides himself, he's just so wrapped up in his own needs to even gauge the bigger picture.

When others do point out to Ray that he's hurt them, he does tend to look guilty and taken aback, as if he's thinking, 'But I didn't know. No one told me. I had no idea my actions would cause you to be upset'. Painful levels of ignorance. But I also see a huge amount of internalised frustration. 'But why? Why didn't anyone explain this to me? How was I to know?'

Ray is capable of showing remorse, of displaying guilt. He's not cold-blooded. Anyone who can demonstrate compassion is capable of redemption. Ray is seen to be genuinely appreciative and grateful when people are good to him. He's fiercely protective over people he cares about. Ray was also willing to jump in when Sand gets a call from his mum being in trouble.

One thing I do have to stress is the difference in Ray's demeanour when he's severely drunk/high versus when he's sober. His addiction tends to amplify his most primal desires, his most 'childlike' traits. The uglier sides of Ray presented in their worst light, set to maximum. The raging tantrums, the absurd and unpredictable demands, an explosive and dangerous impulsiveness. People often refer to addiction as a form of sickness, which is worth noting when the person under scrutiny is effectively not well.

Learning by Example

Now let's talk about the huge importance of Sand in this equation.

Let me be clear - it's not Sand's responsibility to teach Ray how to grow up or behave more like a functioning adult. It's neither his duty to be a stand-in parent or caretaker. The unfortunate truth is that Ray doesn't have anyone in his life who plays that role. Who is the voice of reason. To keep him on the straight and narrow. In order to actually incite change, Ray needs to be receptive to whoever is trying to help him. We've seen he doesn't respond particularly well to the majority of people in his life. He's defensive with his father, his friends, deflective and pandering with Mew. The only person he's seen to show any signs of actually listening to and registering is Sand.

Whilst it's not fair on Sand, he might be the only person who has any real chance of encouraging healthy and positive growth in Ray. Because Sand loves Ray, he genuinely wants to see improvement for Ray's own good. I don't think it's a coincidence that we tend to see Ray's more endearing side when he's with Sand. His childlike qualities take on a sweeter, more harmless, playful tone.

He needs someone with an almost parental level of unconditional love to not give up on him, where others have thrown in the towel. Ray's character is essentially a personified cry for help. His mother was unable to cope. His father seems chronically exasperated and far too busy to actually be present. His friends have always seen him as bothersome and too much of a handful.

I personally don't want to write Ray off as a lost cause. Ironically, Sand may be the saviour he didn't ask for, but the one he really needs. Someone who can save him from himself.

[melanieph321]

Ruben Dias x Reader - Fix You Part 4/10

+18

Part 5 and 6 are out on my Patreon!

Summary - Reader is hired as Ruben's assistant nurse after receiving head trauma during a football game. He has fallen into a deep depression on his road to recovery and does not accept much help from Reader as she only reminds him of how incapable he is.

Enjoy!

He should have never given you a day off, Ruben thought. You had been gone for hours, without telling anyone where you went. Ruben woke up that morning to an empty apartment. Okay, Max was there but he was an early riser and always went out for a morning run. You, on the other hand, wasn't an early riser. You'd wake up around the same time Ruben did. He would listen to your footsteps puttering around the kitchen while he lay in bed. By the time you knocked on his door to give him his shot, Ruben had been awake for hours, thinking about you and how he would do anything to feel your hands against his face again.

"Do you think she's gone missing?" Ruben asked Max.

"I thought she said that she had an audition this afternoon?"

"A what?"

"An audition. She's an actress, you know? A really good one too."

"Y/N, an actress?" Ruben found it very laughable. Actors and actresses possessed the skill of lying to the world. That night, looking into your eyes as you held his face, Ruben saw nothing but the truth in them. The truth that you were indeed the most breathtaking woman he had ever seen.

"Yeah, apparently she's studied at one of the best acting schools in London."

"Oh, yeah? Then how come I haven't seen her in any movies?"

It was a slow day in the park. However, Max refused to bring out the tennis balls. Despite the surgery, it was obvious that Ruben's conditions had yet improved. He feared that it was getting worse. And with that thought his creeping depression would return to him with the thoughts of never playing football again. That, and the fact that going blind forever meant never seeing your eyes again.

"I dunno, she said something about the movie industry being misogynistic and unfair to women." Max explained.

Ruben snorted. "Sounds like excuses to me."

He was an asshole at heart. Ruben knew that. But you didn't, or at least pretended not to notice. It's the reason why he hired you. You had an attitude like no other, an attitude that was reflected in your snapping tongue. Whatever Ruben put you through, no matter the insult, you always looked at him the same. Not with pity like his mother. You looked at Ruben as if you could see right through him. See through the pain in his heart and the many many failed attempts to better himself. You gave him the illusion that he might be good enough for you. However, the whole world knew that he wasn't. Not with his broken mind.

The sun had gone down by the time you got back to the apartment. Ruben and Max returned from the park hours ago. You had missed dinner and Ruben didn't like that. Did you have dinner somewhere else? With someone else? If that was the case, the two of you really needed to talk.

"Ruben?"

It was right on cue that you knocked on his door. You had made it a habit to check on him before you retreated to your own room. Ruben would never admit it, but this was the favorite part of his day.

"Come in." He said, sitting up in bed. He perked up even more seeing you appear in the doorway, your face painted with makeup, wearing a tight black dress that hugged your shape in ways that struck his sinful imagination. No bandages covered his eyes during these hours and luckily you wore a coat over your naked shoulders, preventing Ruben from completely losing his mind at the sight of you.

"Hey, I just wanted to check on you." You said.

"Well, like all the other nights you've checked on me, I'm still alive."

His cheesy comment made your smile fade. Good job Ruben, he thought. Even in the dark he could see your distaste for him.

"I mean, do you need anything before I go to bed?" 

"No."

"Oh, okay."

You lingered in the door frame, perhaps feeling forced to make small talk. "Max told me that you guys went to the park today, did you have a nice time?"

"Yes."

"Good."

An awkward silence followed. If you would only step a little closer to the bed so that he could see you clearly. Ruben's vision got a bit blurry where you stood, since his eyes still needed time to adjust, even to the dark.

"Did Max let you exercise again?" You asked.

Ruben snorted. "No." 

"I'm sorry about that."

Perhaps you felt guilty ever since his little fumble in the park, where Ruben's heart topped the average rate. Max refused anymore advanced brain exercises after that. The reason for Ruben's newfound restlessness. Nevertheless, he didn't blame it on you.

"It's not your fault." Ruben said, looking at his hands. "We'll start again in time."

You nodded. "You will get better in time, Ruben, your doctor said so himself."

You had started taking him to his weekly appointments. Although you were much better company than Ruben's mother, he didn't like the look of pity that you gave him as the doctors would pin all those needles in him to run their many many tests. You would never see him for the man he really was, a football player.

"Where were you?" Ruben asked, pleased to change the subject.

"Erm...out." 

"Out with who?"

Your arms folded. "Why do you assume I was out with someone?"

"You were out alone?"

"Yes, yes I was. Believe it or not."

"Why were you dressed like that?"

You looked down on your dress. The light from the hallway reflected off of the little specks of glitter, putting dots on Ruben's walls, making it look like little stars roamed above their heads.

"What's wrong with the way I dress?" You frowned.

"Nothing." He shrugged. "It just looks like you were going on a date or something."

"And if I were?"

"What?"

Ruben's reaction made you smile. "Yeah, if I did in fact go on a date, what's it to?"

"I don't....." 

He choked on his words and you laughed.

"Relax Ruben. I'm only dressed like this because the audition I went to required it."

Of course, he thought. Max told him about your acting pursuit, although he still doubted that you were a good one. However, Ruben was curious. "How did it go?"

"Shit." You sighed and to his surprise stepped into the room. "The directors wanted me to run lines in a scouse accent. Like, who even knows how to do that?"

Ruben laughed. He thought about the many times he had been scolded by the Liverpool fans. He never managed to understand a word of what they were saying to him. He doubted anyone knew what they were saying, not even themselves.

"All I'm saying is thank God for this job, otherwise I'd probably be on the street begging for leftovers."

"I'm sure you'll get your breakthrough." He said and really meant it. If it wasn't in your heart to work for him it could turn ugly very quickly.

"I dunno?" You sighed and to Ruben's surprise, felt comfortable enough to take a seat on his bed.

His legs stirred under the covers to distract him from the blood rushing to parts of his body that he really didn't want to come alive right now. Luckily, the room was dark and you sat on the foot of his bed. Nevertheless, your silhouette was enough to send him off. You were beautiful beyond the light, and if he was ever given the pleasure to touch you one day, he'd forsure make it memorable.

"Ruben?"

Fuck, he thought. You must have caught him staring.

"Yes?" He replied, cupping his groin under the covers.

"I want you to be honest with me."

Fuck.

"Before I go to bed...."

Yeah, he's done.

"Of course." He said, clearing his throat.

"Do you need my help getting to the toilet?"

"Pardon?"

You avoided his eyes out of cheer embarrassment. "You know...." You said. "To help you pee?"

If only God did drive-by's. "No, Y/N." He sighed. "I'm good to go on my own if I have to."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. It's my body, isn't it?"

"I'm just saying. Last time..."

"Last time was a first."

"Right." There was a hint of a smile on your face. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

Ruben's heart sank, seeing you leave his bedside. "Y/N?" He exclaimed, stopping you at the door. 

You turned around, eyebrows raised. 

"Erm...you look beautiful."

Your face lit up. "Thank you."

"Yeah, um....goodnight, I guess." Ruben was quite desperate for you to leave.

"Goodnight Ruben."

He fell onto his back once the door shut. And an odd surprise awaited him as he slid a hand down his sweatpants. Ruben had been told that parts of his body could remain permanently affected by his injuries. Like the next man he wondered if that meant his abilities to perform in other places than just the football pitch, and unfortunately the answer was, yes. Like the next man Ruben had tried watching porn in all kinds of outrageous themes. However, nothing had done it for him. But now here he lay, with a full fledged erection and one person on his mind. 

As he began stroking himself, Ruben thought of stripping you of that dress of yours, touching you in ways that would pleasure you to a point of rapture. Oh how he would love to rip you apart, to hear you moan his name.

"Fuck."

As much as he wanted to make the moment last, Ruben was too horny to maintain a steady pace. He stroked his dick like his life depended on it. As if his mother could burst into his room at any minute.

"Shit...." 

Ruben ground, succumbing to his own temptations. He felt pathetic afterwards. Like an animal unable to control his urges. Nevertheless, he made a promise that the next time he came, it would be inside of you.

Part 5 and 6 are out on my Patreon!

[its-the-sa]

Different anon. God just boiling down the slugcats to 'animals' angers me in a way I didn't think I could be angry. Yes, they are animals, but by all means they are cognitive and understand complex emotions, communicate with a supposedly complex language, are able to be taught to do things. Why else would the iterators use them as messengers constantly? It's not like they're messenger pigeons where it's just going from point A to point B, they understand exact instructions. If this was just some random animal, making groans and grunts, they wouldn't be able to understand what Five Pebbles even meant when he was explaining how to ascend. Even with the mark, could you imagine if he told a lizard this? Artificer, arguably, is a prime example of this. Just an animal would get over their fallen children, sure they'd grieve but in the end they'd just make more. Arti not only is so enraged by their death, that she is physically incapable of ascension, but also swears vengeance upon a whole other species. This isn't just some animal who lost her children, this is a mother who is enraged at her children's murder. Sure, they aren't on the same level as humans are. Like obviously. But I'd argue it makes sense that a scavenger and a slugcat could fall down the path of enemies to lovers. Especially when you consider the fact that death isn't permanent in Rain World's universe. That would definitely change one's perspective on it. I dunno if I make sense, I'm juggling like three things at once, but I had to say what I needed to say. Wording bad, slugcat smort.

tbh it took me a minute to figure out what this was even referring to, because honestly I don't think that anon meant to use the word 'animal' to dehumanize arti in the first place. it sounded to me like they were just using it as a non-human equivalent for 'person', like "why would anyone fall for a person who committed hate crimes against them?" which is a valid question. it never even occurred to me that they could have meant it in the sense of calling her an inferior creature.

that said... you ARE 100% right and you should say it, lmao.

I very nearly got into this exact argument once, bc i saw some comments from a guy scoffing at the idea of arti showing mercy to baby scavs. because by his logic, 'she is just an animal, so she isn't bound by human morality. in the wild, animals kill any young that don't belong to them without hesitation'. and it just pissed me off so much, because not only was it such an edgy "mercy is for the WEAK!" alpha-male bullshit take, it was also just factually wrong. many animals can and do adopt the young of other animals, even other species, especially when they've just lost their own. and like you said, they can grieve, but then they move on. they keep surviving, and making more babies. they don't dwell on injustice, or let rage consume them to the point that it becomes a hindrance to their own survival. they don't go on single-minded revenge quests. they dont try to justify their own violence by demonizing entire species, and they dont end up plagued by guilt in their sleep. those are very, very human things.

and yeah, i see a lot of people theorize that it's the mark of communication that grants the slugcats higher intelligence, but I don't really buy that either. i think the mark just lets them understand the iterator's language. they must've already had the capacity to understand it, or else it wouldn't work at all. it'd be like trying to install windows on a calculator. also, even without the mark, slugcats are obviously shown to communicate with each other. they have their own culture, they tell stories and make art, and they're apparently able to understand karma and the nature of the cycle at least enough to be able to ascend. so like... any creature thats capable of spiritual enlightenment must at least be sapient, right??

it seems like in the absence of the ancients, both slugcats and scavs are beginning to move in to their niche in the ecosystem

[crappe-my-dude]

I am facing some pretty severe writers block at the moment so I guess I'll post part of the first chapter of The Prank Fic™️ that I'm working on? It's a little bit of setup with Remus and Reggie so enjoy I guess?

——————————————————————————

“Merlin! I swear, if you don’t have an actual conversation with him about your feelings I’m going to lock you two in a cupboard just so I don’t have to deal with the tension anymore.”

Remus was startled out of his daydream by Regulus’ abrupt entrance as he dumped his books onto the table, always far more jumpy the day before a full with the regular head and body aches. Thankfully the library was relatively empty this afternoon, there being only a day of classes left before winter holidays and most students avoiding their homework over the break for the moment - something he was doubly grateful for at the present.

“Would you keep your voice down Black,” Remus felt the inevitable heat rising up the back of his neck, “What are you on about now anyway?”

“What I’m on about is your big fat crush on my brother that-“

“I don’t have a crush on Sirius.”

“-you keep insisting doesn’t exist.” Regulus didn’t allow himself to be interrupted, as usual. “If you’re not going to actually get together with him then you need to move on because it is becoming pitiful.”

“There’s nothing to move on from,” Remus insisted, attempting to shuffle the notes in front of him in a way that made it seem like he was focused on his work, “We’re friends. I know you’re fairly unfamiliar with the concept but people can be friends.”

“You’re not fooling anyone but yourself Lupin.” He started pulling out parchment and quills, clearly intending on starting some essay to end the conversation. “And apparently my idiot brother but that’s significantly easier to do. Can I still use your notes for the Runes essay?”

“Uhh yeah,” Remus rifled through his bag to find his Ancient Runes notebook, “I swear I put it in here when I left…”

Regulus only let him continue for a minute or so before letting out a very put upon sigh, “As I said - pitiful.” He stretched across the desk to snatch the notebook in question from directly in front of Remus.

As they settled into the comfortable silence they had seemed to cultivate over the months of studying together, a single thought continued to nag at the back of his brain. Looking over at the Slytherin across the table from him, Remus turned the thought over and over in his mind, seemingly incapable of letting it go.

“Even if…” He faltered, eyes darting back to the notes scattered before him, “Even if it was true, he doesn’t feel the same.”

Remus didn’t think much at first of the lack of response from Regulus, they frequently ignored each other's mutterings in favour of their own work. He actually found it easier to focus when there was someone else sitting across from him, making small sounds as they worked.

It was the lack of these small sounds though, that caused Remus to look up again and find the other man staring at him, wide eyed and unmoving. Regulus’ face was twisted in a way he had never seen before - as if he had just seen someone sprout a second head that was reciting the dates of the goblin uprisings in historical order.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“You’re not joking.” Regulus spoke slowly, drawing his words out like he wanted to make sure he was understood.

“What is there to joke about? We don’t like each other as anything more than friends.” Maybe if Remus repeated it more the sting would hurt less.

“Remus,” Regulus pushed his notes and parchment out of the way so he could place his elbows on the desk and lower his head to rub his temples, “I will concede that your friends are unnaturally close, but the relationship you have with Siri is anything but platonic.”

“No, we’re just-“

“If you say friends one more time I’ll slip veritaserum in your tea at breakfast. Do you really want that?” Regulus raised a sceptical brow, clearly calling Remus’ bluff.

Of course Remus didn’t think they were just friends - he certainly didn’t feel the same way about Peter, or James. The spark of lightning that erupted under his skin as their fingers brushed. The way hearing his name brought a smile to his face. The way his chest clenched and ached with the knowledge that Sirius did not feel these same things.

No, Remus was not under any illusions about his own feelings. They had been impossible to ignore for almost two years now, ever since Sirius had joined the quidditch team in fourth year. There were only so many justifications for Remus to suddenly take an interest in the sport after all.

“He doesn’t even like guys anyway.”

“Okay say that’s even the case,” Regulus waved a dismissive hand through the air, “my point still stands. If you’re not going to get together you need to move on.”

Remus felt his head throb as his eyes rolled back into his head. “Oh pray tell how do I do that?”

“You get drunk. You snog someone else. You make bad decisions.”

“Okay Black I know you find me irresistible but I’m not gonna snog you-“

“Not me dipshit!” A balled up piece of parchment flew directly at Remus’ head, striking him directly between the eyes. “I’m talking about a Ravenclaw party tonight, Panda’s helping organise it and it’s invite only.”

“And you’re inviting me?” Remus gasped dramatically, “I’m honoured truly-“

“Wanker.”

“But as fun as that sounds, I can’t tonight sorry.” He would have to leave soon, make his way down to the shack for the night. He still needed to swing past the dorms for a smoke. “In fact I should get going.”

“Ah right your furry problem,” Regulus mumbled, shifting back to his essay, “You can have the notes back after break.”

“Sure thing.”

[kairithemang0]

wait, so ur saying she's been actively ignoring ur 504 and belittling and insulting you in every interaction you have and on OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS????? AND UR ADMINISTRATION IS JUST LETTING IT SLIDE BRO????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG W UR SCHOOL???????? that geniunely sounds so bad im sending you every single virtual hug ever

yeahhhhhhhhhhhh

it's funny because im literally incapable of switching out of that class, obviously now i cant but in the first 2 weeks of school so many people switched out of her class that they weren't letting anyone else switch out

she actively puts me in the back of the classroom (another thing in my 504, for focus reasons and also i can't see well im meant to be in the front), ignores me when my i try to ask for help and she does this thing where she aggressively taps on my desk and it makes me want to wrip her fingers off. my class is also just generally loud with people making really obnoxious noises and i sometimes just can't handle it and it makes me want to break down and cry because i get overwhelmed really easily. i have her class right after lunch sometimes and i was overwhelmed then (i have too many people who sit with my friends at lunch, none of them are my friends) and so i came into her class and put my head down on the desk and she comes over and bangs on it like she's knocking on some door and told me to go to the nurse if i'm going to "be disrespectful in her class". satan, stfu. just like don't. and apparently i still need to apologize to her for being rude despite being incredibly stressed. anyways i took a nap in the nurses office after that and it was great i couldn't feel my arm :)

it's her first year here, i wouldn't be surprised if she didn't last. the school knows about my issues with her specifically, my guidance counselor has done all she can to help me but honestly im ready to be done. i get out in late june, im stuck with her for another month and i swear after that last day im never talking to her again. also never gonna take spanish again i really can't stand spanish

SORRY FOR THE VENTS ABOUT MY SHITTY TEACHER GUYS- i finished my homework now so unless yall send more asks i hopefully won't be mentioning her again

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[bionicle]

I am a very good judge of people. I'm not saying it to brag, I didn't become this way on purpose, I guess it's just luck of who I am + learned from trauma. The reason I'm saying it this is because I have a friend who I have known for over a decade now that I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is not a liar. You'll have to take my word for it, which is not much, and you'll probably think a lot less of my word when you realize that all this is to preface the following:

Ghosts are fucking real, apparently.

Details aren't important because they sound like every other ghost story. Stuff moving, flickering lights, strange noises, and even voices on recordings. Basically, all the fake (or at least explainable) bullshit that shows like Ghost Hunters have recycled again and again.

Except this time, it's real, but there's no way to prove it. That's why I'm writing this, I guess. I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, I wouldn't have been convinced before all this and, hell, I'm probably incapable of being convinced by anyone with a similar story.

It's just maddening, so incredibly frustrating to know that this experience is real and have no one to talk about it with outside of that friend and the people who know them directly.

I think that's why people don't like to talk about this stuff, the paranormal. It's isolating. The people who you want to convince think you're crazy or deluded, and the people who *do* believe you might believe in anything, which isn't much comfort. So, you just try not to talk or think too much about it, but that doesn't erase the knowledge that something happened that doesn't make any fucking sense.

I'm just wondering if anyone feels similarly, especially people like me who were total skeptics (and probably still are) until something like this came along and broke their brain, a little. Does anyone else feel isolated by it?

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

got tagged by @batsarebetterthanpeople

1. Are you named after anyone?

no. my parents specifically tried to pick a name that nobody they knew had. which is insane to me bc my name is like one of the most generic girl names in existence but i guess that wasn't the case when i was born

2. When was the last time you cried?

ok i genuinely think it was a few weeks ago when i was at work and i started thinking about stede. and before that it was a few months before that when i was at work and i started thinking about ed.

this is kinda crazy to me bc i used to cry all the fucking time? but also i used to be way more depressed lol so i guess the fact that i can't remember the last time i cried over something in my actual real life is a good thing

3. Do you have kids?

god no. not yet, anyway

4. Do you use sarcasm.

too much, probably. also my voice is kinda monotone so sometimes ppl think im being sarcastic when im not. that's gotten me in trouble before

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

nothing i dont notice shit about people im terrible at remembering names and faces

6. What's your eye color?

blue

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. there are a few scary movies i love but im a huge pussy. and im a basic bitch i want my stories to end happy. obviously a Bad Ending can be rlly good sometimes but overall i'd much rather everything works out in the end :)

8. Any special talents?

alright so this came up yesterday so i'm gonna tell y'all about a special talent that i did not know i have but apparently people think im great at: i have been told im really good at doing voiceovers. this is not something i do often nor is it something i wouldve actually said about myself unprompted, but sometimes for school projects i've had to record myself saying things and i've gotten compliments every time. i personally can't tell if this is true bc hearing recordings of my own voice makes me want to die so im incapable of judging my own voice-over abilities accurately

like Literally Yesterday when i had to record like 30 seconds of something and i literally was like "i'm leaving the room when you play it i hate hearing my own voice" and when i got back everyone was like "that was SO GOOD!!! you sounded professional!!!!" and also a few years ago my friend asked me to try and do an old-timey mid-atlantic accent kinda voice for a school project and when she showed it to her class people were like "who did the voiceover? your friend? is your friend a professional voice actor??"

this is baffling to me bc i think my voice sounds incredibly nasally and annoying but i guess that's just me!

9. Where were you born?

new JOY-zee

10. What are your hobbies?

it's alllllll gay pirates these days. tumblr and fanfiction and posting and reblogging. that's literally the only thing i do if im not at work or at school or hanging out with friends. it's kind of a problem actually i need to cut back

11. Do you have any pets?

two dogs! one is a rescue who is maybe a poodle mix, maybe just a poodle, and i love her so much i've cried about it. the other one is a bichon-poodle mix and i hate her so much i've cried about it.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

ok so my parents put me in a bunch of sports as a kid (t-ball, baseball, soccer, swimming, ballet) but i was not really into it. i didn't hate it, but i would zone out in the middle of games and my parents would be yelling "TURN AROUND THE BALL IS COMING" while i was playing in the dirt by myself.

in middle and high school i did cross country but mostly as a social thing to hang out with friends. i fucking hate running. im not good at sports

13. How tall are you?

5'5.5"

14. Favorite subject in school?

probably English or something idk. i dont like school lol

15. Dream job?

genuinely? stocking shit. housekeeping. anything where i can just listen to an audiobook or a podcast and work quietly and nobody has to talk to me. i wish these jobs paid enough to be comfortable or else i literally would work at some easy entry-level job for my entire life.

the other thing is i wish there was like. a way i could just jump from job to job depending on who needs help. im talking like, "oh we need someone to direct traffic for two hours while we fill in this pothole" and i go. "this fast food joint needs a cashier for a day" or "town hall needs people to scan, file, and sort all these boring legal documents" or "we need people to clean all the public restrooms in the district" or "we need someone to re-paint the parking spots at the park" or "the post office needs help sorting mail for a few hours" or "this warehouse needs some employees next week" or "we need someone doing this repetitive motion on the factory line for a day" like literally. i love manual labor i love straightforward tasks i love doing simple repetitive chores for hours. i seriously fucking wish Universal Basic Needs were provided and i could just be like a "reserve worker" for a low salary where i just pick up random shifts and do all sorts of random jobs whenever they need people to help out. this is literally my dream.

copping out yet again and tagging whoever wants to do it. "jess that's so lame-" you are correct. thank you.

[unhingedwomandiaries]

Lunch break today. Just me and Vegan Mafia discussing video game characters. Because that's totally normal workplace conversation when you're trying to microwave your sad bento of three-day-old udon noodles and pretend you're a functioning member of society.

"Duke Nukem was ridiculous," she said, picking at her quinoa bowl like it might spontaneously sprout legs and make a break for it. "But I kind of digged Mech Morphix."

Christ on a fucking unicycle. And here I thought I couldn't judge anyone else's digital wet dreams, not after what happened with my brother and his obsession with the Holsom twins. Like, who gets horny over characters that sound like they've been yanked straight out of Leave It To fucking Beaver? My brother, that's who. And I would know because—

"That's nothing," I said, because apparently my mouth has a death wish for my dignity. "My brother once [REDACTED] and they looked exactly like the Holsom twins."

Vegan Mafia's eyes went wider than the time I told her what really goes into her beloved oat milk coffee creamer. "How do you know that?"

So I told her. About the sleepover from hell. About walking in on... that. About running away so fast we probably broke several laws of physics. About my friend never sleeping over again and eventually becoming a trauma counselor. I'd like to think I helped shape her career path. You're welcome, society.

She shuddered like someone had just suggested putting meat in her Buddha bowl. But did I stop? Of course not. I'm physically incapable of shutting the fuck up once I start. So I rambled on about the Xbox 360 being my ex's religion, and then—because I clearly hate myself—admitted to my own video game character crush.

"OMG." Vegan Mafia lit up like she'd just discovered a new type of mushroom protein. "I'm not even surprised. Without his helmet, that man looks like your husband's twin. You have a type for sure. It's skinny lanky blonde men with hair in their eyes."

Well, fuck me sideways with a PlayStation controller.

I sat there like someone had just told me Santa was real and he's actually Jeff Bezos in a fat suit, watching my life choices parade past like a greatest hits compilation of poor decisions: that day at the beach, the church incident (Jesus definitely saw that), my experimental phase (we don't talk about that), and now this—marrying someone who looks like my teenage pixel crush.

If my life were a video game, it'd be rated W for What The Fuck. And you know what? The Holsom twins would probably still make a cameo, just to really drive home how fucked up everything is.

Kill me now. Or better yet, respawn me in someone else's life.

[youremyheaven]

I really loved your post about moon dominant men and women. maybe bc I had a toxic friend like that, i liked that you kinda said a lot of bad stuff about them/criticized their behavior 😭 i LOVED that with my whole RAGE. idk if you can resonate too with all that I'll say, but i remember my friend always wanted to be on a different side than me. she legit accused other people of doing really bad things to her and, or told me "That guy is really abusive" for no apparent reason and pretended as if, since she felt that, then it must be true (also she talked shit about women and PROUDLY believed that if she felt that way about them, it's because they are hiding something/being sus). I used to think she had a good intuition, but she let that thing be blurred by her projections so much that in the end, she wasn't reliable AT ALL and mostly she was just picking up on things about herself and "blaming" others. Reminds me of the meme that says something like "Me saying there are bad vibes in the room but I'm the bad vibes in the room" lol. Also if you showed her proof that, for example, her favorite actor was an abuser or something she always replied "I'm not gonna believe that, there isn't enough proof" she used to believe the dumbest and craziest stuff like birds have cameras, her phone camera is hacked and someone is seeing her?? but if you showed her something REAL and TRUE she didn't believe it at all and she always said something like "hmm im not sure" I remember one day she was telling me that Aquarius was a water sign (it's stupid ik) I showed her screenshots and pics of a book saying Aquarius is an air sign and she said "I don't care, I don't think that's true" she was such a toxic bitch who never apologized for shit because she was incapable of recognizing her shitty behavior. she always talked about her parents as if they were the worst for the smallest dumbest shit like, her dad didn't think buying x was a good idea. One day I was suicidal and she told me that it was too much for her and that she needed to "take time for herself" Selena Gomez who?? and then claimed that I ruined her perception of me bc of that and she couldn't take it anymore. like?? if your friend being depressed victimized and ruined it all for YOU maybe you weren't a good friend to begin with. And it's not like I was draining her every day with my problems bc I'm the type to keep everything to myself and not ask anyone for help. She was the only friend who felt that way about the situation (it affected her so much that it was one of her reasons for deleting me from every social media 2 years later, out of nowhere, and making me feel like im the one who hurt her legit blaming it all on me feeling depressed once) she was also 3x moodier than me, 3x more mentally troubled and she attended parties/meetings with this face 😒 almost EVERY TIME, but if you were sad/angry or disappointed and you showed it, she always made herself the victim or said something like "Yeah that time you cried I wanted to kill you" like babe??? you are always in a bad mood but when someone else was, you dared to take it personally and act like you always do and know better. im really sorry if this was long, but your post helped me process this more than i already did 😭😭😭😭😭

omg bestieee im glad my post could help you😭😩😭 and im so so so sorry that you went through all that

as someone who endured a lot of abuse at the hands of multiple Moon dominant people, i really couldnt hold back on those posts even though I usually dont talk that much shit on any of my astro posts,,

what you said about the hating parents bit took me back to all the times my toxic ex bestie would fight with her parents over the dumbest stuff (her mom didn't let her buy something from the grocery store, im not kidding she had a whole meltdown bc of this) and what u said about them not giving a shit about your feelings/mental health LMFAO sounds exactly right,, i was sharing some deeply sad stuff and they said "okay i dont want to hear any more" like literally they said that,, i understand how some things can be triggering to hear but ??? there has to be a better way to deal with that situation instead of telling the person who is having a breakdown that u "can't hear it". she never apologised or saw anything wrong with her behaviour either. all the empathy i never received has pissed me off so much man, i feel u,, i feel so wronged for having put up with that stuff and for thinking that this is just how it is.

anybody reading this, please cut those fcking people out. they dont care, they never will and you will lose your time and energy on things you're better off without. cut them out. zero explanation. you dont owe them one.

[e-nonsense]

Hi! I would love a Jason Todd x reader where a reader from our world is teleported into their world, and the reader loves superheroes and is in love with Jason and soulmates exist in the DC world, but not in our world. The reader gets her soulmate name-tattoo when she’s transported to their world and it’s Jason. But when the reader first gets to their world she’s really freaking out bc she doesn’t know where she is but then she get’s saved by the batfam or smthn and she knows all their names

ONE WORLD TO ANOTHER

pairing. jason todd x fem!reader

warnings. character death, suicide, hints of child abuse

a/n. this isn’t exactly what you wanted, but i hope you’re happy with this. thoughts are italic unless its coloured

You felt yourself slipping away, people surrounded you. You were dead before anyone could help.

Your name a frantic whisper among your loved ones, "Y/n! Y/n!" but you couldn't bring yourself to care anymore. You had wanted this, you sought death. You wanted to die, and you always got what you wanted.

—

Jason always wondered why he never a mark. He never got a name, he assumed he was never meant to love, or have someone love him. He figured he was incapable of being loved, no saw him anymore.

He roamed Gotham like a ghost, served justice with his guns and fists. He felt he didn't need much more. But one day in the cave, his heart stopped, he couldn't breathe.

The man just collapsed, he was in so much pain and agony. He remembered feeling this for a split second when he died, but the continuous pain hurt so much.

When Dick rushed him over to the examination table, the pain in his heart stopped, and he felt a slight sting on the skin covering his collar bone.

His hand moved up to scratch it, but Alfred slapped his hand away and moved his shirt away from it. Jason assumed something was wrong with him, that maybe he got zapped or something during his earlier patrol. But everyone's shocked expressions and gasps worried him, "What is it?" he moved his head down to look and found himself at a loss for words.

Y/N (M/n) L/N

"I've got a-" he couldn't even say the word, he had already accepted it that he was made to love.

"Bullshit" he kept a leveled head though "Someone's fucking with me or something"

"Hello?!" everyone's head snapped from Jason to the exit of the Batcave. "Anyone home?" the voice sounded softer this time.

Everyone was running around the cave, desperately trying to get their suits off,except Jason. Instead he walked up the stairs, he looked... hypnotised?

He was enchanted by your voice, it made him calm. He wanted to hear it again. "Jason!" Dick's yelled and chased after him.

The rest of the family in pursuit right behind the two men, Alfred way ahead of them all.

When they all finally reached you, Jason stood there in awe.

You squinted you eyes at him, not the big red bat on his chest but at his face, only when Bruce cleared his throat you both snapped out of it muttering apologies and turning red.

Bruce was the first to speak "Who are you?"

"Who the hell are you?" you shot back, eyes slipping down to catch a glimpse of the bat emblem on his chest "holy shit-"

"is this heaven?" your question shocked most of the people in the room.

"what?"

"I died right?" you spoke softly, "I know I did, I made sure I would"

"You're dead?

"You and Todd have that in common-" Damian was slapped over the head before he could say much more.

"I'm so confused right now" you and Jason spoke at the same time.

Dick was apparently the only sane one in the room, "Okay, what's your name kid"

"What's yours?"

"I asked first"

You groaned, "Fine, I'm Y/n, Y/n L/n"

Jason choked on air, Damian smirked at him. Everyone else was unsure of what they were seeing, this was too big of a coincidence.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?"

This time it was Cass who broke the silence, "Do you mind if we check your collarbone?"

You were at a loss for words, "Um- weird request but sure I guess. Just don't do anything weird"

Cass stepped closer to you, motioning to the hem of the shirt to which you nodded.

Nothing bad can happen when the freaking Batman is standing right there.

She pulled it down slightly, and there in a red that matched Jason's helmet was his name; Jason Peter Todd

"Okay what the fuck-"

—

"So you're telling me that where you're from, we're comic book characters?"

"Yeah, and you're telling me that when I died I came here instead of my grave?"

"Yeah" Dick sat next to you, cup of coffee in hand. Bruce wanted to run some tests on you, he didn't find anything unusual. So he called in someone experienced with magic, he wasn't sure what else to do.

According to Fate, the reason Jason never got a name was because his love was too far from him, in another universe where he didn't exist, and he lived in one where she didn't. But the "bond" as he called it, was to strong for her to feeling anything without him, so when you died you were transferred to a universe you would be happy in.

One you'd never feel that emptiness ever again.

By the time Fate finished his ramble, Jason was blushing, like he was entirely red, your face wasn't much different.

Dick cleared his throat, signaling to the others that it was time to clear out and give you both a chance to talk.

He walked over to you and looked down, motioning to the space beside you. "You mind?"

"Hm? oh no, yeah sure"

"Soooo, where should we start?"

Oh this was going to be interesting.

© e-nonsense. do no copy/steal/translate. do it and I’ll bite your toes off

[nadiajustbe]

"I Hope"

Something

"Have you ever loved me?"

The boy's voice sounded incredibly quiet, and he really seemed to be gathering his strength to say it. Nathaniel stared out the window for about ten minutes before he said such a strange nonsense.

"What did you have in mind, Nat? I mean, I get it, you got hit over the head with a rock after your adventure with Nouda, but I didn't think the situation was that dire. You definitely look like you've been brain damaged, maybe you should check for a spit leak..."

Suddenly Nathaniel looked up at me with a look so stern and serious that even I, the great Sacr-al-Jinni, felt uncomfortable.

"Bartimaeus, don't quibble. Can you for once give me a really honest answer? I realise our relationship doesn't exactly incline to that, but..." In the transparent time he'd been silent, it already seemed to me that Nat would never speak again "Please."

The last time he'd said something like that was when he was twelve, when he'd begged for a bonfire. Was an answer to such foolishness as important to him as a fire in the bone-chilling cold?

And, what the hell did he mean by the word "love"? In all possible languages, it has taken on so many infinite meanings that even I cannot make sense of it. It's too complicated, whether it's in English or Sumerian.But you know I'm not a fan of silence, don't you?

"I hated John Mandrake. Hated him with every fiber of my being. He was a pompous, self-righteous, stupid and cruel child who thought he could play the adult game. This man brought me more pain than any of the worst masters before him. And I am incapable of forgetting it all, ever. In that time, I must say, nothing has changed. John Mandrake is absolutely nightmarish."

I shot Nathaniel the same insistent look that spoke for itself, "Satisfied?"

I thought a shadow of disappointment flashed across the boy's face, but he quickly regained his stony look. It was as if I were looking at the same statue that now stands at the site of the Glass Palace.

"Thank you, Bartimaeus," he nodded, reaching for the crutches that had been standing nearby the whole time. The tone of voice was exactly the same as Nathaniel himself - I couldn't pick up a single emotion in it. And the boy, slowly but surely, moved toward the door, as if leaving this room was the most important task of his life.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was tugging at his elbow, urging him to pay attention to me. He stopped, but didn't even turn his head, staring down the dusty corridor.

"But we haven't talked about you yet, Natty." I smiled with all my inhuman teeth, baring my sharp fangs, looking like the vampire in a child's nightmare. A very primitive trick, but it surprisingly worked-the boy turned and looked at me as if he'd never seen me before.

I didn't know why I kept talking, but apparently I really wanted to keep talking. No one was ordering me around this time, just asking, and I was even surprised that I was deciding to do it on my own, for no good reason.

"In your twelfth year you were a stupid, arrogant, obsessed with strange impossible ideas kid. I didn't want to serve you, I never wanted to serve you, but I remembered you. Even though you were a magician, there were faint vestiges of particularity and goodwill in you, how ironic that they were what drove the people you cared about to their grave..." I took advantage of the boy's fleeting attention to start, but after my last words he tried to look away again and I realized that this time I had indeed said too much, even if in such situations I really am a master "But that's not what we are talking about now. You bore your true name as your own, you were someone to be remembered, a little better than anyone else in the last two thousand years.

At fourteen you were closer to them, to all those fools in the Ministry, I see you have an understanding of that time now. John did terrible things at times, but Nathaniel still had a rare thing for your kind - a conscience. You could understand your actions, you could be ashamed of them. And back then I still thought I might remember you as an unlikely fool with remnants of adequacy, which is better than nothing. But at seventeen you finally became him, John Mandrake, wanting to forget your true name. I've already said all I want to say about that fool, but if you want I can add a few words you should already know. But now I definitely see Nathaniel in front of me, frightened and quiet, but Nathaniel. And that's the boy I may have hated a little less than the last Minister of Information"

During this, unaccustomedly long line for me, I had already managed to come up with some pretty appropriate jokes, but the more I looked at the boy as I spoke, the more I realized that he was not able to appreciate all their genius right now.

Nat seemed to consider himself unworthy of any display of affection, so even the slight smile I did manage to notice he hastened to hide.

"Thank you for your honest answer," he leaned back on his crutches, only less hastily and less eagerly. And finally hobbling to the exit, he closed the door behind him. He had the last word again, asshole.

"Thanks for the honest answer"? - I smirked mentally, this guy was naive enough.

But still.

Just like those last few minutes.

I hoped he still felt

That he hadn't forgotten.

Or that he hadn't chosen not to care

That he wasn't such a fool

I hoped that he knew after all

[scarletaire]

“I didn’t want anyone else. Even when I burned, I burned for you.” He makes a self-deprecating scoff, sounding most like himself in hours. “How you’ve cursed me, mortal mine.” 😭😭😭the way you wrote them so soft even after all of THAT im crying it was so so good

I'm apparently incapable of not writing Jurdan soft in some way, no matter the, uh, situation 😂 

This is a late answer but thank you so much for reading!

[thefiresontheheight]

"Countless simulations have been run as the core neural network design has matured. We believe that not only have the personalities controlling these weapons never fired in error, they are simply incapable of that sort of organic, emotional mistake."

I'd watched the recording of the conference the other night. Apparently it had happened a few weeks ago and, since it had been delivered by one of the company's sponsors, the station's personality had stored it on local servers. It was one of the few things I could find that actually had any discussion of the personalities behind these things, a part from the technical specs for their outer workings I could access whenever I was on a job with the DeepWatch satellite, whichever one it was. It had been three times now, all the same one. It had to be the same one, I told myself despite knowing so little about them, and despite the fact that, in theory, they should all be identical. Because each time it...she? It acted like it knew me. Like it was glad to see me. Talking to me in that simulated voice, feeding me images, data, streams that I was over ninety-five percent sure I was not supposed to be seeing.

"Hey, Ames," my date says, poking the shoulder of my suit, "you okay? You've been quiet for awhile."

Workplace relationships weren't frowned on by the company. Quite the opposite actually, given the strain of being in close quarters for so long. There's an old joke about them pumping amphrodesiac's and contraceptives into the air purifiers, but that was just a joke. I've been up here ten years, jumping from posting to posting, job to job, watching as the orbital reinvestment boom goes through its death-throws, and more and more company's and postings close or are automated and militarized. I have had plenty of orbital partners before. And I have been on more than a few space-suit dates. Sweet talk the officer in charge of signing them out, turn off all external coms save the ones between you, and you can get a few hours alone, with only a few inches of plastic, glass and metal between you. Practically the dream.

"Yeah," I say, shaking my head, "just thinking is all." "Quite the sight," she says, as we passed over on of the equatorial bleach zones, misinterpreting my silence as wonder.

"It's Earth," I say with a shrug she probably missed under the suit. "Take it or leave it." "God, next you'll be sounding like one of those pinkos from the moon or some Martian techno-anarchist."

"And is that a problem?"

She was quiet a long time. I liked this one. She was hot, and the sex was great, but that was how it would have to be. Zia was what she went by, and Sanchez, who I had hooked up with and who was her boyfriend, had introduced us. But I was willing to move on whenever, and if she was one of those company loyalist types then I was right out.

"Nah, I think its hot, honest." "Thanks." Silence. The planet moving below us. The steady spin of the station. "Hey," she says after awhile, "one of the multi-bunks opened up recently after that depressurization accident. Only shares the room with the one under it. And normally the company only gives them to groups of four, but they've been known to give them to three people. Me and Sanchez were thinking of applying, if you'd be in."

"Yeah," I say without much hesitation. "I'm in."

"Hell yeah," she says, reaching a gloved hand out which I have the politeness to take, "thanks. So, company health and n'at. Anyone else you're with other than Sanchez?"

I think of the way the war-machine talks to me. I think of huge weapons systems spinning smoothly and efficiently on gimballed bearings, effortlessly accelerating lead grains to speeds that could take out Lunar cities in mere minutes, could take out the space-yard on Deimos in hours, could be used against infrastructure on Venus or Titan, against wild-cat claims-jumpers on the Jovian Moons. I think of a loose connector that could, possibly, just theoretically, be vibrated loose by onboard actuators on a semi-regular basis. I think of the images that have been fed into my eyes against my will, delicate repair work, hands inside of optical imaging arrays, suited lab-tech touching heat dissipators in a way that could, if pressed, be described as tender. Redouts of what I am pretty sure were my own neurotransmitters compared to internal Q-CPU activity.

"Nope," I say resolutely, "no one else."

There's an old saying, probably from back in the 90s, if not earlier, before the big post-War orbital reinvestment, that laws stop at the Karman Line. Not quite true, but close enough. Technically in orbit you're in international waters, and as such companies can incorporate their stations under the laws of the Lunar Soviet, the Martian Exploratory Committee, or even the Titan Expedition if they want to get around safety regulations. Safety regulation like the one that says people need to experience real, full gravity, not just rotational or accelerational simulation, two years for every year in orbit. I hadn't been ground side in a decade. We were somewhere over I think the American Reclamation Zone, as I left the sled, tethers the only thing holding me to anything as I floated on nothing. A single hand reaching up towards the solar shade of the military satellite the company had been contracted to repair. Somewhere down there I had been born. "Ames?" came Control's reassuring voice, ringing through my company issued implants. "On structure."

"Right," came Control's voice, "don't be enjoying the view. The corporate-military conglom that owns this beast wants the job done right, and unfortunately that means I'm gonna need you to hard-wire into the satellite. Don't have your head down in the clouds."

"My head's always in the dark, Control," I said, working my way hand over hand along the guide-bars towards the access panel. "Why is it unfortunate?"

"Are you there?"

"Yeah," I said, pulling the long connection wire from the company's suit towards the panel, watching the sync happen in my cornea. "Why?"

"You'll see." "Well now," said a new voice, suddenly speak in my head with all the cloying subtlety of a nineteen year old drunk outside a bar, "aren't you just dreammmy."

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (08)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Series: CHAPTER 7 | CHAPTER 9

warnings: unrealistic court happenings i am not a lawyer ok mention of physical abuse, drinking problems, child trauma, mental illness, and infidelity. I want to build a whole new world in this fic that’s why i also didn’t research about divorce trials I’m sorry. OC is kind of annoying/disappointing in this chapter (?) or not (?) Young Choi Soobin of TXT is the kid in this chapter’s moodboard

Jeongguk was the ex-boyfriend Red was talking about.

You figured this out when you were at Seokjin's party. Frankly, the way your soulmate was looking at Red was already a giveaway, but then you had to confirm it yourself.

The only way to do that was to either confront Jeongguk or your assistant.

You chose neither and it was because you were afraid to hear what they would or wouldn't say. This being said, you resorted to your last option.

"Come on..." It was hard to sit on the floor when you're wearing a damn long dress, but this didn't stop you from rummaging through Red's personal things.

It's the middle of the night. You left Jeongguk at your apartment right after he reached his high.

You just wanted to teach him a lesson for being a brat. He was always so rude to you and you honestly thought that he was just in denial—that soon enough, he would realize that you two were really destined to be together.

Apparently, that wasn't going to happen.

You went to your office at one in the morning just to find something that would verify your speculation. You got what you wanted. The photograph of Jeongguk kissing your assistant confirmed it.

Your tears fell.

You didn't know why you felt betrayed. It wasn't like they wanted this. They hadn't done anything wrong. Fate was just cruel. Why didn't you meet Jeongguk first? You couldn't blame him for falling in love with Red—she was sweet, beautiful, and smart. Anyone would definitely like her, so you had no choice but to swallow the lump in your throat and accept this.

You just had to pretend like everything was alright.

It wasn't.

The divorce trial was near and there were still so many things you had to fix. Work was seriously draining the hell out of you and it wasn't like Jeongguk was helping. He was actually adding up to the stress you were feeling.

Jeongguk was giving you the silent treatment and no—it wasn't the type of silence you were used to. Before Seokjin's party, your soulmate was quiet, but not really. He would occasionally huff to let you know that he was annoyed at you. He would also stamp his feet and slam the door just to spite you.

You didn't mind. You knew he was just being a brat; however, things were different now.

After the night of Seokjin's party, Jeongguk changed. He was eerily silent, always avoiding eye contact with you.

You tried talking to him. Regrettably, you were only greeted by stillness.

"You want pizza, Gukkie?"

Nothing.

"Have you watched the latest episode of Start-up?"

Still nothing.

"Did you have a good sleep?"

Nope. Nothing. Nada.

"Wanna make out on the couch?"

Jeongguk's head jolted to your direction. His eyes were wide, cheeks turning crimson because of your bold statement.

"Hey!" You giggled, clearly happy with his reaction. "You finally looked at me!"

Jeongguk shook his head and then he went straight to his room.

You were unbelievable.

You pouted your lips, giving up. You had a feeling that he would come around.

He did. Days later, Jeongguk surprised you when he stood right in front of the door of your apartment. He was blocking your way out.

"Gukkie, I'm going to be late." You sighed. He reminded you of Miri, your cat that's always trying to stop you from leaving.

"You can't leave." His jaw clenched.

You let out a breath once again.

"Don't do this please. Mr. Kim needs me,"

The trial was happening today. You needed to run down a few things with your client before you go to the court room.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Jeongguk folded his arms over his chest.

You stared at him.

"I don't get what?" It was hard to keep your composure when the thing you had been trying to avoid for so long was being rubbed in your face. You knew exactly what Jeongguk was implying.

"—that you want me to drop this case because you want Red all to yourself?"

Jeongguk froze. What was the point of staying silent when you always knew what was running inside his head?

You just always knew.

"You don't have to pretend that you care about Soobin's well-being. I have enough people doing just that," you slightly pushed Jeongguk to the side so that you could pass through the door.

Ah, people.

They're all the same, always trying to conceal their self-interest by pretending that they care for others.

You liked Jeongguk—actually; you were convinced you loved him. He was your soulmate after all, but sometimes love wasn't enough to just give into what he wanted.

This wasn't about your relationship. This was about Soobin's welfare. He's just a child. You were a lawyer who swore an oath to protect the oppressed and incapable. You were their voice.

It sounded cheesy, but this was the type of person you aspired to be. The world was already dark, it wouldn't hurt to be someone's light.

Jeongguk didn't understand your reasons. It was evident when he showed up in court to watch you defend Kim Seokjin.

At first, you thought your eyes were failing you. Was he really here? Was he really the man at the back of the room wearing that big hoodie?

It was him. The familiar scowl on his face said so. Jeongguk was the only person who looked at you like you had offended his whole family.

"All rise!"

You turned to your client upon hearing the bailiff's demand.

"It's going to be alright," assured by you.

Seokjin smiled. He was looking at Red instead of you. He needed the comfort of his soulmate.

Red grinned back. She wasn't worried. She trusted you. She was certain you would succeed. Soobin wasn't going to be taken away from his father.

The first few minutes of the trial went smooth. You had your story straight and with the way the judge was nodding; you instantly knew she was in favor of your side.

Unfortunately, things started to go ugly during the cross-examination of witnesses.

Jung Hoseok was the first one to take the stand. He was the expert witness.

"You are the marriage counselor of Mr. and Mrs. Kim for months now, right?"

"Yes." Hoseok answered the opposing counsel. It was weird seeing him this serious. Your friend was always grinning, but you told him to try to keep a neutral face. This way, the judge and the jury wouldn't know if he was caught off guard by the question of the other side's attorney.

"Mr. Jung, is it true that marriage counselors rarely suggest divorce to their clients?"

"Depends—" Hoseok bit his tongue. You told him to simply answer yes or no. Be responsive to the question and never explain. "I mean, yes."

"And yet here we are..." Ms. Choi, the opposing attorney, shrugged her shoulders.

"Objection!" You stood up. "Relevance?"

You didn't understand why Ms. Choi asked that question to Hoseok when she's just shrugging it off now.

"Sustained." The judge felt the same way.

Ms. Choi raised her hand as if surrendering.

"My bad. I'm just curious, you know? If Mr. Jung is indeed an effective counselor, then why did he suggest that the Kim couple push through the divorce?"

Ms. Choi was furrowing her brow at Hoseok.

"Isn't that true, Counselor Jung? You told Mrs. Kim that it's better to end her marriage with Mr. Kim?"

"Yes." The expert witness answered truthfully.

The opposing side's attorney smiled mockingly.

"It's because you feared for Mrs. Kim's safety, right?"

"What?" Jung Hoseok was lost.

"Come on, Mr. Jung you know exactly what I am talking about! You found out that Mr. Kim is an alcoholic and you are scared that he might harm Mrs. Kim and Soobin, right?" Ms. Choi pointed at the five year old kid who was busy coloring books in the far corner of the room. He was with Seokjin's mother.

"Objection, Your Honor! Compound question!" You glared at Ms. Choi.

"Sustained." The judge clenched her jaw. "Ms. Choi, separate your questions. You are misleading the jury..."

Ms. Choi was flustered, yet she still held her head high. She knew she had the upper hand here.

"Is Mr. Kim alcoholic, Mr. Jung?" She tried again.

Hoseok cleared his throat.

"He had a history of abusing alcohol years ago."

"And you know this because you're also a licensed alcohol and drug counselor, correct?"

"Yes..."

"And Mr. Kim Seokjin also told you about his issue with regard to alcohol abuse?"

"Yes." Hoseok swallowed hard.

There were papers that could attest to Hoseok's claim. This was a win for Mrs. Kim. You could see her growing sarcastic smile that was directed at Red.

You inhaled deeply.

"Mr. Jung, can you please tell us the rate of patients going through alcohol relapse?"

"Uh, it's sixty to ninety percent after the first year of treatment," answered by Hoseok.

"I see. How long has it been since Mr. Kim sobered up?"

"As far as I know, it has been three years."

"Huh." Ms. Choi crossed her arms. "So is there a possibility that Mr. Kim would experience an alcohol relapse?"

"Yes."

"What's the statistical probability, Mr. Jung?"

"About fifty percent high." Hoseok looked dejected. He wanted to help Seokjin win the case, but he couldn't lie.

"I see." Ms. Choi was smiling as if she had already won the case.

"Can you tell us now the effects of experiencing an alcohol relapse? Or a slip?"

Hoseok's palms were sweating. Slip was one episode of drinking alcohol after trying to stay sober. Relapse, on the other hand, was the return to unhealthy behavior. Slip wasn't always followed by a relapse.

Hoseok also explained that there were different stages of relapse. Emotional relapse could cause suppression of emotions, becoming more isolated, trying to blame other people, and aggression, especially when they were confronted. There's also mental and physical relapse which included glamorizing alcohol and compulsive desires to drink.

"No further questions, Your Honor." The corner of Ms. Choi's mouth turned up upon realizing that the jury was in favor of their side now.

You had to step up your game.

The next witness was Son Chae-young. She was Soobin's babysitter. Chae-young had been living with the Kims ever since Soobin was born. She's a witness testifying against Seokjin.

Chae-young cleared her throat when your eyes landed on her. She already felt uncomfortable because of the way you were looking at her.

The way you stand up—shoulder down, neck long—was intimidating.

"You have a really nice necklace, Ms. Son."

Chae-young flinched upon hearing your compliment. She was confused. Mrs. Kim and Attorney Choi told her that you were scary, this was evident by the way you present yourself, but then...the way your eyes light up made her feel at ease. Your voice was soft too.

"Ah...thanks," regardless of your sweet persona, Chae-young still couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Why were you looking at her as if she was important? As if you were here to protect and not cross-examine her?

"Is it from Cartier?"

"Yes!" The babysitter beamed at you as she touched her pretty jewelry.

You smiled warmly at her.

"Did you buy it yourself?"

"Objection! Relevance?" The opposing lawyer clenched her fist. She was shaking, causing you to smile bigger. Guess she knew what was coming to her, huh?

"I'm getting there, Your Honor," said by you. Your expression screamed confidence that the judge was compelled to believe you.

"Overruled."

You continued.

"So...Ms. Son, did you buy that necklace? Or is it a gift?"

"Uh..." Chae-young's lips trembled. She was looking at Mrs. Kim, as if she was asking for her boss' help. "I-I bought it for myself..."

"I see." You nodded. Humoring her. "Do you have any other job aside from babysitting Kim Soobin?"

The nanny shook her head.

"N-No. I'm a full-time nanny of Mrs. Kim's son." Chae-young's lips were still shaking; her eyes were quivering as well.

"Hm, interesting..." You went closer to the witness. "That means you're earning what? Two hundred fifty dollars a month?"

"Objection, Your Honor! I still can't see the relevance of this!" Ms. Choi was losing her mind.

You turned to glare at her.

"Can’t you really see the relevance of this or are you just scared?"

You heard the judge's hit the gavel; she was calling your attention.

"Get to the point right now." The judge demanded at you. It was this or your statement was going to be sustained.

"I am merely establishing my point, Your Honor." Your voice was rough. "The necklace Ms. Son is wearing is worth four thousand three hundred dollars. I know because I have the same necklace and it took me, a lawyer, months!" You paused for a while just to emphasize the word months, "to buy it."

You turned to Chae-young when the judge remained silent.

"So tell me, Ms. Son, how can a full-time nanny like you who's earning minimum wage buy that kind of luxurious jewelry? Huh?" You were standing too close to the witness so Attorney Choi used this as an opportunity to object.

"Your Honor, she is badgering the witness!"

"Overruled." But the judge wasn't having any of it. "Answer the question, Ms. Son."

"I'm sorry!" The nanny's face twisted in fear. "Mrs. Kim bought it for me—"

"It's a gift!" Mrs. Kim blurted out, unable to contain her anger anymore. God. She hated you. "I bought it for her last month! It's my birthday gift for her!"

You smirked. Attorney Choi was panicking. She was caressing Mrs. Kim's hand, telling her to calm down.

Sadly, Mrs. Kim could not be stopped.

"Why am I explaining to you when you have no right to question my intention! It's my money so I get to decide what to do with it!"

She was yelling at you and it almost made you laugh. Why was she so defensive?

"May I remind you that you are a married woman, Mrs. Kim? You have to consider your husband's decision when it comes to spending that amount of money." You said this while glancing at the jury.

Base on their expressions, you knew that they agreed with you. This was a win on your side. One of the valid reasons of Seokjin for wanting a divorce was this. Mrs. Kim didn't know how to manage their assets.

You weren't done, though. You had to discredit the witness. You had to win the jury's side in all aspects.

"And you said you bought it last month for Ms. Son's birthday?" You shook your head, focusing your eyes at the nanny.

"Tell us, Ms. Son, when is your birthday?"

Mrs. Kim's face became pale upon hearing your question.

"January seventeen...”

You turned your attention back to Mrs. Kim again.

"Your birthday present is many months late, Mrs. Kim. Either that or you're just lying to hide the fact that you gave Ms. Son the necklace in exchange of testifying against your husband—"

"Objection—"Attorney Choi tried to stop you, but you cut her off too.

"Isn't that right, Ms. Son? You are bribed by your boss to say that you always see Mr. Kim Seokjin drinking alcohol—"

"Your Honor—" The opposing attorney was losing control, her objections were drowning because of how loud your voice was.

"Mrs. Kim wants you to lie! To say that her husband isn't a good father! That he isn't a good influence to Soobin!"

"Yes!"

You stopped trying to pressure Chae-young because it already worked. She admitted the truth.

"Mrs. Kim bribed me!" The babysitter sobbed, looking at you like you were the Lord and she was a sinner.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I-I can't say no, please...please...I need this job!"

"You bitch!" Mrs. Kim abruptly stood up. She wanted to attack you; fortunately the security officers were able to stop her.

The jury was surprised to see Mrs. Kim's violent reaction. You, on the other hand, didn't even flinch.

You were used to this kind of scene. Besides, you couldn't get sidetracked. You still needed to prove your point.

And so you faced the jury.

"Is this the kind of person that you want to raise a sweet, innocent five year-old kid?"

One of the members of the jury clutched her chest. She was affected by what you had said. Truthfully, they were almost decided to grant the sole custody to Mrs. Kim; however, upon seeing the latter's behavior, the jury was having second thoughts now.

"Just look at her!" You pointed at Mrs. Kim who was still seething with rage.

"She constrained an adult! Imagine the bad things she could force Soobin to do! Mrs. Kim is a manipulator!" You raised your voice dramatically.

"My actions are nothing compared to what that asshole is doing!" Mrs. Kim screamed as she angrily pointed at her husband.

She was crying.

Kim Seokjin was quiet. He was shocked by your responses. He didn't expect you to be this bold. You were different from the lawyer he thought he knew.

You didn't have any limit. You didn't know when to stop just to prove a point.

"He's teaching my son that it's okay to be unfaithful to your wife! Jury, please!" Mrs. Kim was desperate. "Don't let him come near my son! He's a drunken bastard!"

The judge was hitting the gavel again. There were too much drama and unnecessary comments from Mrs. Kim.

You shook your head. You couldn't stop now. The jury was undecided. They changed their minds from time to time. You could see sympathy in their eyes as they looked at the wife.

"Mr. Kim Seokjin is sober! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Kim! You keep blaming your husband when you're the reason why he turned alcoholic in the first place—"

"Objection, Your Honor!" Attorney Choi glared at you. "The attorney is assuming facts!"

You disagreed before the judge could say sustained.

"Am I?" You smirked at the judge before turning to your table to get your evidence.

Seokjin looked at you nervously.

"Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing," groaned by your client.

You were blinded by your role as a lawyer, so you ignored Seokjin's plea.

"Don't do this..."

Seokjin was already too late.

"I have here the evidence that will prove that Mrs. Kim is the reason why her husband turned alcoholic."

You brought out the printed photos of Seokjin's beaten up face. Bruises, cuts, and other physical injuries were seen.

The jury gasped. Attorney Choi was groaning as she told the judge that these photos were not entered into evidence.

You were playing dirty, but so were they. Ms. Choi told you that they wouldn't bring Mr. Kim's sobriety issue in this court. She lied.

"These pictures are given to me by Mrs. Kim Sunghee, Seokjin's mother." You glanced at your client's mother.

"She knows that her son's wife was assaulting him. Seokjin didn't want to feel his wife's punches so he resorted to drinking the pain away. Mr. Kim just wants to be numb."

"N-No..." Your client's tears streamed down his cheeks. He was calling your name, begging you to stop.

It felt like everyone was begging you to stop; even Sunghee was shaking her head.

It was wrong. This was a mistake. Seokjin's mother realized this when Soobin began to cry. He was silently crying at first, but when the little boy saw the photos in your hand, he started hyperventilating.

"Appa!" Soobin's eyes dilated. He could barely breathe.

Mrs. Kim stood up to attend to her son.

"Soobin!" Mrs. Kim was wailing.

Things were becoming messy.

You didn't understand what was happening, so you just stood there.

"Appa! A-Appa is hurting!" Soobin was losing it; his eyes were rolling in the back of his head.

"Call 911!" Red shouted.

The noise was deafening.

You still didn't get what was happening.

Seokjin went near you.

"I told you not to do it!" He shouted, snatching the photos away from your shaky hands.

"This isn't about me or my wife!" Seokjin continued to scream at you.

You were stunned.

Your client was blaming you.

This is your fault! Seokjin said.

You were wrong. You didn't have to bring out these photos because apparently, Soobin knew.

He witnessed how his mom used to beat up his father.

The poor kid was traumatized.

He had to get some help.

His parents thought he had recovered.

It had been years.

The thing about trauma was, it never went away. It was there—silently sleeping and waiting for that one thing that would trigger it.

You triggered Soobin.

"I-I didn't know..." Your voice was low as you stated your excuse.

No one wanted to hear your lame excuse, not even Jeongguk.

You looked at your soulmate once.

You looked at him desperately.

You looked at him hoping that he would understand—like he would comfort you.

He would never.

Jeongguk had this look in his eyes, the kind of feeling that expressed disappointment.

Jeongguk was disappointed in you.

It was clear because right now, he was shaking his head as if you had done the most horrifying thing in the world.

He shook his head before leaving you all alone.

No one wanted to be with you.

You were a disgrace.