#ANYWAY enough of that its 5am i need to sleep lol
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wereyote thoughts >>>
#been thinking a lot abt the wereyote kintype recently and wanting to be around other weres but also being skittish abt it#which is fair and exactly what ud expect from a wereyote i think lol#ik its not an only transforms under the full moon thing its more like a controlled shifting between my yote and human selves#and i almost feel like the yote is the primary form and human is the secondary instead of the other way around#ik i spent a lot of time running around as a lone yote or on the fringes of true yote packs for the brief times we grouped up#spent a lot of time scavenging and rummaging thru human stuff taking what i wanted#traveled a bit between a hot desert area and a cooler forested area#i know i eventually ended up sort of falling in w a werewolf pack? they liked me and let me hang around when i was up near them lol#they were my chosen family but i didn't stick around permanently like i said i traveled a lot#i feel sooo much kinship w wolves bc of it. like that's not me but that's my family yk? my brothers#anyway back to the moon thing we shifted whenever we wanted but there was still a moon connection. like a spiritual thing#cultural or whatever idk#ANYWAY enough of that its 5am i need to sleep lol#yap
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I’ve never actually said (written???) this to anyone before but I need to say it. I need to get it out there.
I’m a slut for the idea of somnophilia with Ace. I feel like that’s a fairly common thing (or at least, I’ve seen it a few times?), but I’ve never actually admitted it. I wanna wake him up by sucking on his cock until he comes to and starts face fucking me and calling me his good girl, or riding him until he comes deep inside and I only realize he’s awake when he starts talking about how pretty I look rocking on his dick. I want him to get me even closer to coming myself with his morning voice alone because you know it’s damn good. Just. Hnnngh. I want iiittt.
*reaches for my vibrator*
what a lovely picture you have painted for me. like if ace told you he's really into it, you'd have absolutely noooo problem meeting that need. i'm sure he'd love it. also holy shit I love anything that entails the phrase “good girl." anyways, i came up with around ~1k words based on your prompt, but i'm not sure it is as good as what you came up with! check it out under the cut (≧◡≦) i'll edit this more tomorrow!
**but first, a note! i am here for the somnophilia as long as there's established consent beforehand and DUHHHH ik that's implied but perhaps i ought to state that! so, let that previously established consent stand for the smut below! also, you mentioned that somno is common, and i would like to confirm that, at least in my personal experience, many men eat that shit up. so… feel no shame in admitting that, anon, because its very real and iconic of u to like the idea. 💅💅 (if i do say so myself LOL)
Ace + Somnophilia
It was around 5AM and you couldn’t sleep. Ace took up the entire bed, starfishing it while you were curled up next to him, cheek resting on his chest. Considering the fact that you’d just woken up from a steamy dream, there was one thing on your mind. Heat was blooming at your core and you could feel wetness pooling between your legs already. There was only one solution, which happened to be one of Ace’s favorite things.
You crept your hand towards the bulge in Ace’s boxer briefs and ran a palm over it. He was such a heavy sleeper that it didn’t register. His deep breaths continued, quiet and comforting. You continued to pass your hand over his cock, massaging his balls briefly through the fabric and grinding your palm down. He got hard so fast, but his breathing didn’t change at all—he was sound asleep.
Sitting up slowly, you scooted off the bed so that you could walk around and climb back up, this time positioned between his knees. You knew that one of his favorite things was to wake up with his cock in your mouth—and what a perfect time for it, since you couldn’t sleep. On your knees between his wide-spread thighs, you tugged at the waistband of his boxers until they were low enough to give you access to his cock. It was large and veiny. In the muted morning light trickling in through the half-covered window, you could see just enough to tell that his tip was already pink and enflamed.
You were careful not to wake him as you grasped his shaft and stoked it lazily a couple of times. You licked a long, wet stripe from base to tip and repeated the motion until you started to taste milky white pearls of precum seeping from him.
He was still asleep.
After a few minutes of slowly licking his shaft and sucking the precum from his slit, you reached a hand up to softly cradle his balls. At the same time, you finally took his whole length into your mouth. You could feel and taste his precum at the back of your tongue as you sucked your cheeks in and started to bob up and down on his cock.
You sucked him off for a few minutes, alternating between cradling his balls with one hand and dragging your fingers over his shaft with the other. You were getting lost in it, so focused on the process of sucking him off that you didn’t realize when his hands tangled in your hair and pushed your head down. He bucked his hips up at the same time, making you gag on his length as it poked the back of your throat. He held you like that for a second, taking in the warm, slippery feeling of his cock throbbing in your mouth.
Ace groaned, half awake. “Good morning, beautiful.” His voice was scratchy and husky, not warmed up yet from his pleasure-filled awakening. When his voice got like this in the morning it made you feel feral—something about that deep and gravelly sound made you need him more than usual.
He pulled your head up until your lips were wrapped around his head, and then plunged you down on it, eliciting another filthy noise as you gagged on him again. He was fully awake now “Fuckkkk, its so early and you’re already taking it for me like a good girl.”
He proceeded to face fuck you until you were a mess—his precum was dribbling out of the corners of your mouth, your hands were covered in your own spit, and every sound he made went straight to your cunt. You were dripping wet and dying for his touch, wishing he’d put his cock in you and fuck you until you couldn’t talk anymore. But instead, he was fucking your face for now.
Your breaths were labored. You used every shred of control to breathe through your nose, but his cock was twitching and his hands didn’t give you any reprieve. “Just like that, baby. ‘M gonna fuck your mouth full, just like you wanted. You gonna swallow my cum, sweetheart? Every last drop?” You attempted to nod but you were unsuccessful, on account of his hands tightly gripping your head. He could tell that you were trying to nod, at least.
His hips jerked upwards every time he pushed your head down. The choking, muffled sounds you made were vibrating his cock. “Hang in there, just a little bit longer. There’s my girl.”
By the time he came down your throat, you were so far gone that you swallowed his seed without a second thought. He pulled you off his cock with a popping noise, and you crawled up his chest and collapsed.
“You can’t give up yet, sugar. Don’t you want to ride me first?”
#one piece smut#one piece headcanons#portgas d ace smut#portgas d ace#portgas d ace x reader#portgas d ace one piece#portgas ace smut#portgas d ace x you#portgas ace x reader#portgas ace x you#portgas d ace x y/n#op ace smut#op ace x reader#fire fist ace#one piece ace#one piece ace smut
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new sjm acotar mate quiz answers
so guess who found the answer mapping code! here are all the answers and who they equate to, in its original coding. basically just take note of which letters are attached to which character! ps if you share anyway pls credit as @ azrielscourt on twitter lol thank u <3
const resultsMapping = {
A: {
name: 'Rhysand',
quote: '“To the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered.”'
},
B: {
name: 'Feyre',
quote: '“No one was my master— but I might be master of everything, if I wished. If I dared.”'
},
C: {
name: 'Cassian',
quote: '“Come on, Feyre. We don’t bite. Unless you ask us to.”'
},
D: {
name: 'Azriel',
quote: '“Be careful how you speak about my High Lady.”'
},
E: {
name: 'Mor',
quote: '“With enough courage, you can say to hell with a reputation. You do what you love, what you need.”'
},
F: {
name: 'Amren',
quote: '“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs.”'
},
G: {
name: 'Lucien',
quote: '“If I offer you the moon on a string, will you give me a kiss, too?”'
},
H: {
name: 'Nesta',
quote: '“She felt it all—too keenly, too sharply. Hated and cared and loved and dreaded, more than other people, she sometimes thought.”'
},
I: {
name: 'Elain',
quote: '“And it was Elain—Elain—who sighed and murmured, “I hope they all burn in hell.”'
},
J: {
name: 'Tamlin',
quote: '“Don\'t feel bad for one moment about doing what brings you joy.”'
},
question: "When do you usually wake up in the morning?",
answers: [{
text: "I never slept",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "10am, I like a lie in",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "5am sharp for my morning run!",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "I'd prefer not to say",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "That would depend on how late I was out dancing...",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "Sleep is for the weak",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "My alarm is set for 7am most days",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "Whenever, wherever, with whoever",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "I like to rise with the sun",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "As the birds begin to sing",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "Choose a snack:",
answers: [{
text: "A good, vintage red wine",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Chocolate",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Fresh fruit",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "Salted cashews",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Macarons",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "The blood of my enemies",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "S'mores",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "A dry martini",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "A slice of cake",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "Carrot sticks",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "Choose a magical power:",
answers: [{
text: "Flying",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Mind infiltration (like the Daemati)",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Immense strength",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "Invisibility",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Teleportation (a.k.a winnowing)",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "The ability to sense riches and power in others",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "Emotional manipulation",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "Time travel",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "Seer (the ability to predict the future)",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "The power to manipulate nature",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "How are you spending your weekend?",
answers: [{
text: "Community outreach",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Visiting an art gallery",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Hitting the gym for some weight lifting",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "Travelling for work",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Attending multiple parties",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "Lounging in silk pajamas",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "A long walk in the forest",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "Hanging with my best friends",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "Gardening",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "Scheming against my enemies",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "What's your greatest weakness?",
answers: [{
text: "I find it hard to ask for help",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Admitting my weaknesses",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Pride",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "I'm haunted by my past",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "I don't take things seriously enough",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "I don’t have any weaknesses",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "I'm not very confident",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "I don't think before I speak",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "I don't like sharing my feelings",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "I'm very stubborn",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "I like to read...",
answers: [{
text: "To my children",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Beneath the stars",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Something spicy",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "Other people's diaries",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Expensive menus",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "High-end auction catalogues",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "Surrounded by nature",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "Military history",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "Epic adventure tales",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "My tax returns",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "Your ideal party would involve...",
answers: [{
text: "Rooftop cocktails",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Something cosy with the people I love",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "A raucous pub night",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "No party",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Lots of dancing",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "Something exclusive, VIP only",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "Poetry readings",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "I'd rather read a book",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "A royal ball",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "My band playing!",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "What do your friends love most about you?",
answers: [{
text: "My resilience",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "My compassion",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "I'm their ride or die",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "My kindness",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "The fun we have together!",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "My wisdom",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "I'm a good listener",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "My courage",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "My loyalty",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "My excellent hair",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "What would you most love to receive as a gift?",
answers: [{
text: "Time alone with my partner",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "A beautiful painting",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "A new weapon to add to my collection",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "Jewellery",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Something I've chosen myself",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "I prefer giving the gifts!",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "A day out filled with my favorite things",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "Gifts aren't important to me",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "Something homemade with sentimental value",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "Time to myself",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, {
question: "Your friend betrays you to your enemy, what do you do?",
answers: [{
text: "Play the long game",
type: "A"
}, {
text: "Talk it out",
type: "B"
}, {
text: "Immediately attack",
type: "C"
}, {
text: "I'd snoop and find out why",
type: "D"
}, {
text: "Ghost them",
type: "E"
}, {
text: "Burn the world down",
type: "F"
}, {
text: "I'd try to forgive",
type: "G"
}, {
text: "I would curse them",
type: "H"
}, {
text: "Probably cry",
type: "I"
}, {
text: "I'd lock them up",
type: "J"
}, ]
}, ];
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hi im waiting for pain meds to kick in before i continue sleeping so im gonna sit here and talk about the intents behind character arcs in good afternoon good evening and goodnight ok i try not to talk about it like this Too much but hey it's fanfiction why not
so like. essentially the big overarching theme was obv supposed to be the subjectivity of reality and what it meant for themselves and their relationships
for gordon especially the game meant a lot about who he is/who he gets to be or wants to be, the idea of being a player character and second guessing your own intent was something i was excited to write as i was first starting to plan this fic out. i wanted him to struggle a Lot retroactively with reality when it felt like everyone else had long since accepted it had been a game, and ultimately that was supposed to play into his relationship with benry a lot. also obviously a huge thing for him was Trauma, we all love a good gordon freeman trauma hurt/comfort moment right? i wanted to write sort of a backwards progression for him when they were in hl2, like i tried to reverse the script a little between gordon and benry where he just. he was doing his best contrary to what happened with benry and was Worried because that's very gordon, but him just laughing thru a lot of shit and not taking it entirely seriously like he should, not even paying attention to how bad he needed a break because Well It’s Not Real Right? meanwhile benry.....well i gotta back up for him for a bit
benry i feel like i struggled a bit with, i wish id written him Slightly different in the beginning at least but ehh. idk there's a lot of content out there for benry that i feel like skips over the idea that he hurt everyone (im Not getting into disc horse over this even though i have a lot of thoughts about it) but it was important to me to write an arc of him really trying to reach out? i think ppl fall into the trap of putting "gordon has to understand benry" before "benry has to make an effort to be understood". i think it's easier to project and say you want the others to put in that effort on his behalf, but the truth is i think that effort has to be very mutual! i liked writing an arc for him where he doesn't even understand himself very well and had to give his relationships time. i wish id had more time for it, but trying to juggle so many character arcs was Really tough lol. but regarding my choice w/the hl2 part, i do wish id had the opportunity to have him there More, i entertained the idea of him being powerless but with gordon the whole time or smth, but plotwise it just wasn't working out And it felt relevant for him to have that whole experience with the nihilanth. i wanted him to have the reverse experience to gordon was having, suddenly realizing there were actual consequences and he could die, essentially living out what gordon felt was his experience in hl1 fighting benry even if ultimately things would have been ok, bc he didn’t Know or register that at the time?
Whoa 2 Paragraphs For Benry anyway after that, even tho i took his powers away temporarily for adding context to the others' perceived experience and fpr worldbuilding/adding stakes to the situation, i don't really like story arcs for redeeming characters where their arc is represented by having powers taken away Permanently. like "its ok guys i just literally can't do it anymore so i won't" u know?? it doesn't feel like Enough. i wanted to show something where he took back his powers and what made him who he was and used it for Good. i think that rounds things out a little better? it was important that everyone, especially gordon, got to see him taking back the powers he used to attack them in the game and using them to protect them instead. it was a part of his identity, being like Not Human, and played v importantly into his relationship with tommy
with tommy i feel like. ok with everyone in gagegn i feel like i was deliberately mischaracterizing a bit for the sake of the story because My City Now, but i think tommy got hit pretty hard ajchdjshg i just wanted a very particular arc from him....so he was Very serious and i wish id worked in more moments where he got to be like, comedically just super wrong about something or just generally silly but Oh Well. anyway tommy's experience with knowing it's not real was very much implied to be a lifelong struggle and i was Heavily projecting, like, i love the unreality elements in hlvrai because [dissociates and gets delusions about nothing being real] and i just wanted to leave it implied he's always had a hard time with feeling like he Knows it's not real, and still just. Keeps Chugging Along bc what else can u do? also this is a very particular thing but i feel like with psychotic characters in media there's always a question of "but what if....the whole thing isn't real....." but i wanted to write an arc for a character where delusions Prepared them for something in a sense? i could go on for a whole other post about the dsm and psychosis representation etc etc but he was just. Prepared for knowing it wasn't real. my experience i projected heavily onto the story was acceptance of such a weird, abstract concept, and just trying to have a fulfilling life/relationships anyway because what would trying to unravel it all just for the sake of it do?
and that plays into how i wrote gman as essentially a foil to tommy, but im almost done with a ""post-canon"" fic about him so i won't say much on that (i think the fic caters to only me specifically maybe but i'll still post it ajfjsfh) but regarding tommy's whole thing with g-man, it was Very intentional for things to feel sort of unresolved and for him to still second guess himself. it was important to me that way idk, i feel like that's more true to life?
i WISH i had more time and ideas for darnold though.... he's another case of my projecting definitely, and i actually almost had Him go into nova prospekt with alyx instead of gordon and reappear at exactly the right moment for dramatic effect, but i wanted an arc for him where he discovered he wanted more than anything else to be with the science team and to have him disappear kinda contradicted that :/
im running out of steam to keep typing this. well with dr coomer i feel like that was another wild thing that was me projecting again ajdjajfjd i just love a good fantasy DID/OSDD situation (NEVER SEES THIS FOR REAL) and i wanted a little extra flavor with the clones to sort of mirror bubby's struggles
and with bubby. like ok with the prototypes and vortigaunt friend, i had the idea maybe a prototype survived the resonance cascade and had been hiding that whole time and bubby actually finds and rescues him? but that felt too weird and complicated for everything else going on so i threw in a vortigaunt as an emotional standin for him. the reason i wrote bubby resentful to his prototypes at first is one of those things i only introduced to represent part of his story arc and not necessarily a headcanon, i love the idea he considers them family and likes them for the most part! it was just something to slowly represent him growing past black mesa without just Saying it
it's like 5am. lastly.....the player......just like gman was to tommy, i did my best to write the player as almost an opposite to gordon even if i tried to make them as similar as possible. something i rarely see is exploring how complicated i feel like it would Actually make things to have a player, outside your game, trying to be your friend? i understand why ppl don't go this route and i didn't go too hard on it, but i mean, he's this guy who has control over your world and is living outside of it, and views all your life hardships as trivial in comparison to his own? i wanted to represent this in only small ways, because i thought it made sense to show him genuinely making an effort, but in moments like when he was talking to benry and when he talked to gordon, i wanted to show him just. Trying but still not taking it as seriously as he should, he gets Mad but he's treating it like a video game still! it's a power imbalance, and if nobody else was going to explore that then i would afhjchkg
my choice getting back to tommy and benry at the end.... maybe i wrote it a little angstier than i should have but that's something I'm glad i ran with, i was nervous ppl wouldn't like it but. having that flash forward was important for tommy especially after he fought with gman about like, the significance of short lives. he still had benry who i think i could have tried to show being a lot happier to be there to drive the point home, he's just kinda deadpan and maintained him that way but genuinely i wanted him to be happy to explore space with tommy! they had a weird beginning to their friendship, and solidarity of being partly aliens in their own regards, and they were out there finally exploring those aspects of themselves, PLUS
they were very literally just. freely exploring their reality. they got to do Anything without it having to be established by the player! that was supposed to be something Good, they were happy to have that freedom and liked seeing new things with each other that even the player probably never dreamed of. it's Their World, they can do and see anything, even their goal of finding an equivalent of where gman could have come from was kinda just something to slowly work towards to keep them going in some vague direction. the primary goal was to just have a good time
anyway this story was the longest thing ive ever written in my life idk what came over me lol
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hello!!!!!
haven’t posted anything in a long while and i decided to post one tonight before i sleep bc i feel guilty for not updating farhan’s newspaper hahaha. i’m also waiting for my hair to dry a little so yeah kill two birds with one stone!
my eyes are super irritated now btw like the right eye esp wtf i kept rubbing at it bc it feels like there’s smth in my eye and i HATE rubbing my eyes bc it’ll give you wrinkles and break all the capillaries around your eyes causing dark circles like mine is alr dark enough i don’t need it to be any darker. like i think it’s bc of my contacts?? a sigh that i must change my lenses alr pls sponsor me bb degree 500/500 brown or grey lens i’m ok hahahaahahahah. ok so i will try to summarize today as fast and as short as i can even tho i like to type everything down in details so that future me and future farhan may be able to recall memories easier but das ok we gotta be quick
ok so today i called farhan around 230pm cus i had a feeling he slept quite late ytd since he was woken up from his sleep. and i thought 230pm ok la can la not too early not too late cus he has to shower and prep and come over to my area as well. after some calls he finally picked up and then it changed to a video call? he has been video calling me a lot these days like instead of the usual normal calls and i’m not complaining tbh hahahaha i actually love it cus i get to see his face even tho we’re not physically together but i look damn ugly ah so sometimes i’ll not put my face in the camera damn stupid i know cus it’s not like he hasn’t seen my face in its worst condition like back when my acne were literal cysts and he still stayed and didn’t leave but hahaha these kinda insecurities will take a looooooong time for it to go away one la hais anyway ok sorry back to the story of the day!!!
wtf sorry if the paragraphing is weird ah or if got long gaps cus i’m typing w my phone n idk why it’s not letting me like just down space once small little paragraph space but ok nvm let’s not bother about that lmao. ok so then i got ready and did my hair and i’m kinda regretting cutting bangs the other time cus my hair got used to the long fringe that now my bangs curl up if i don’t use hair straightener or if it got wet or if i sweat like it doesn’t stay straight down so sad. then picked out my outfit in my head but i was still wearing home clothes when he came over cus i thought i should wait before i change since we haven’t technically decided on where to go and i rly didn’t wanna sweat before we go out. then we laid in bed for a bit and farhan was being such a cranky old man i just wanna give him a loving punch but i didn’t ofc. then i changed and wore this super cute outfit with my windbreaker and i actually rly like what i wore wth like it’s cute ok but there he was judging my outfit 🙄 annoying pe hahahaha cus it was so hot out and for me to wear a wb like a bit crazy ah so we went out of the house n all then i forgot my damn mask again cb i cannot sia always forget nowadays like can they just lift the rules alr. so i went back to take and then i was like fak i cannot i gotta change into smth less hot bc it rly was so damn hot outside like it looks like it’s cloudy n was boutta rain but no sia so panas gila so i changed into this little ahpek blouse which tbh is one of my fav vintage blouse that i own. i like the fit of it it’s oversized but not too crazy oversized that it just looks weird. i asked farhan and he said it just looks like when someone had sex and then borrowed the man’s shirt to put on and i feel like wow that’s actually quite hot sia mcm give me a bit of an extra boost of confidence liddat lol but anyway ya besides the point.
then after that we went to tampines and had saap saap thai for our lunch. it was niceeee since we haven’t been there in a long while so the food was great at least imo la. but the chilli pedas gila but i think quite shiok ah. the soup if not spicy not nice or like still nice but not as nice if it’s not spicy. but i’m a noob so i put like hujung je the chilli hahahaha farhan put like half sia gila. we also had milk tea and green milk tea which was initially farhan’s but we swapped bc the milk tea was too sweet for me. then after that we went to nine fresh!!!! my top fav bbt shop currently bc of the rly interesting toppings u can put. i think next time i wanna buy 0% ah cus i feel like the 25% like quite sweet sia idk why or maybe it’s bc the toppings alr sweet so when it’s mixed it feels like there’s double the sweetness. then after that we went to this korea mart. shine korea i think but wtf i feel like the shine korea like....... idk sia they don’t have a lot of variety and they don’t sell loose packs like how i feel most korea mart actually sell loose packs of instant noodles. i still like the one at bedok maybe next time i’ll head there to buy the items i need and cook smth for farhan 😂 even tho it’s just instant noodles but i learned a recipe on how to enhance the noodles and make it taste professional looooool so i rly wanna try making that for us to eat next time. oh and i’m so happy that farhan enjoys my wrap!!!!! this would be a story for another day.
then after that decided to head back since there weren’t anymore korea marts around. i had to withdraw some money for my mom first so we did that then walked back to where he parked his bike. then upon reaching home we just rested up for a bit. watched some videos and all. and i just wanted to sleep idk why when i’m laying on his chest or like shoulder i feel sooo comfy i legit just wanna sleep. but as time kept ticking we decided to head outside to lepak since we’re not married yet perhaps he felt like it isn’t good or nice of him to stay in the house till late but idk i think my dad was kinda distracted with soccer to even care much today so i felt like we could have stayed longer if we wanted to and omg leh my stomach rly said hello go berak so many times to me today walao i think 3 times? but good la hais i’m so constipated sia my bowel movements damn irregular annoying sia and unhealthy hais. then when we were outside it started pouring!!!! at first not so heavy but it got heavier throughout and it felt so nice!! and i know farhan can’t do this often but he stayed till like 5am before he left and it just brings back that memories of when he would stay till late just to keep my company and spend more time with me.
sobsssss i miss him alr 😭😭😭😭😭😭
i forgot to wish him happy monthsary before he left and he just wished me now as i’m typing this i want to reply him so i’m just gonna end the post here okay hehe goodnight!!
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Official sleep study for narcolepsy
this is probably a horrible way to introduce myself lol but I decided to start blogging about it lmao.
Anyways, after finally getting free community health insurance, my family was finally able to afford for me to go to the primary doctor for serious issues (i don’t work :/ ) which at first was awkward and a bit frustrating but she actually took me seriously and referred for my insurance to a pulmonary sleep doctor for sleep apnea and narcolepsy. Honestly, if I wasn’t fat she wouldn’t have bothered to measure my neck and care about sleep apnea, even if it was on the checklist they have you fill out. (Basically, if your neck is over 6 inches in circumference then you are most likely to have sleep apnea or if you weigh a lot) It was only an awkward visit because she speaks into her phone so it writes into the computer, and i tried talking about depression and she just points out a lot of image issues i had. Which is embarassing but I understand why. It was weird when she said “patient seems happy and easy going” like wow ok do i have to seem sad? cuz i can? its just its common courtesy and good manners whipped into me by my parents to seem polite and pleasant.
So I finally get my first sleep appointment and it was an awful experience because of how i sleep lol. So at first, i tried to recline the bed extremely high at the top because i like to keep my head elevated or else i get an extremely bad headache. Next, i tried putting a pillow under my knees for proper position so i have a good sleep during the study as you need 5 hours. Well that epically failed because the pillow was so airy and puffy i couldn’t sleep comfortably lol. So the whole night i just kept changing positions as i always do but more than usual because i was not comfy. i eventually just got rid of that posture pillow idea lol and when i reclined the bed with the pillow under me there was no more room at the bottom lmao i was like bruh wtf this is difficult. So my sleep tech kept coming in my room at night because my finger sensor kept coming off, as i like to sleep with my arm under the pillow or against my face lol. And it was awful everytime she came in because of the blaring light from the main room. It hurt so bad lol, gave me a bad headache, had my eyes flashing and burning, all because this damn finger sensor wouldn’t stay on and work. It was also extremely hard to sleep with all the wires because the wires are short so you can only sleep on one side of the bed although it is a full-size bed. or else the wire or pad would come off. a few times a night she had to reapply some pads cuz they wouldn’t stick on my skin and kept falling off probably because i was moving too much. then in the morning my mom picks me up and gets me donut from the old bakery we used to own so that was nice and i got some apple juice (i love apple juice) and then after that i slept a lot more at home because i’m a piece of shit lmao.
So a few months after that i get a follow up appointment and they showed me my brain scans and breathing and everything they conducted. it was hilarious because it showed that i kept moving and kept sleeping on and off constantly. But it also made so much sense because i did feel it and was fascinating to actually see when i was awake and wasn’t becuase its so hard to telll when i’m sleeping or awake at night and i constantly get up to go to the bathroom so everything is a horrible haze. The doc then said around 5am my body finally just gave up and went into rem sleep which makes sense cuz thats when i usually feel a deep sleep before i get wide awake for a few hours.
So in this picture is my second sleep study. The first one was to test for sleep apnea, which oddly luckily i don’t have? even though sometimes i wake up choking in my sleep and gasping for air. In my 2nd sleep study its all the same wires but somewhat felt more for some reason. and i did sleep good. 6 hours actually. way better than last time. of course its still on and off but i slept decent. and my sleep tech actually visited me more often than last time cuz the pads kept coming off and i stayed way more still and closer this time. i mean my finger sensor didn’t come off cuz she told me where its supposed to be and tied something around it lmao. next morning the AM sleep tech said she used a whole tub of paste cuz it kept coming off lmaoooo. we don’t know why but it was porbably because it was sticking to my heair instead but i think its cuz i was sweating so much. they even turn the fan on. which was soooo nice. i wish that happened everynight. where i get too hot and want a fan on lol. anyways narcolepsy sleep studies go over into the next day. my pm sleep tech said i would leave around 3 or 4pm. how it works is that they make you sleep 20 mins for every 2 hours. They check how fast you fall asleep. So i did just that and i kept dozing off the first 2 hours, and finally slept so fast for the 20 mins and woke up on time when he went to wake me up lol. then i had to wait the other 2 hours but i kept dozing off. eventually an hour in my sleep tech said that the doctor had enough data for me to leave. which was awesome because idk how longer i could do that i felt horrible haha. then had my mom pick me up and she got us some dutch but i barely drank mine to let it cool down and she just threw all of it away :(
so now i am waiting for my final results and i hope to finally get treatment for narcolepsy lol.
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MADCH MADCH <3
hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?
YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.
OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!
so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.
i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3
TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD
AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD
YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?
hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)
love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx
ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3
firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3
but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;
also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333
and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')
and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(
LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3
OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)
KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3
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I got in touch with my 1st love a couple months ago..hes a half native American & white dude, pretty pudgy now like triple the size of himself in middle school lol. Doesn't have much time left on this earth I feel for him, im glad I know now cause if I hadn't it probably would've been alot more devastating. Doesnt have to wear a mask cuz really whats the point. We met for coffee, got to hang out at the mall & he visited my work, we did talk & clear the air..got some things out that were left unsaid & i gotta say it really did help & we're better for it 😊 we're now cool & no hard feelings.
We used to be on & off in hs but the last time I broke it off with him for good reasons & also due to my mother 😒 If it weren't for him & our own experiences, & then every guy since...I would've have known how much I really love or attached I can be to someone (which has been all of them really but does disintegrate over time & going into new relationships they become just a distant memory as the yrs go by & then ur all about the new guy 🤔 basically right) or how unattached I can get when I just dont love them anymore...(of which has only happened twice)
For the record I've had 5 relationships my whole life...not counting flings..out of 2 they broke up with me.. & they so happen to be the ones i fell hard & fast for...its a common theme but they are the best ones I've experienced & I think I have a confirmed type now that I think about it lol. Im thinking too much again, but..they're top tier unforgettable.
I fell damn fucking hard this time around just like I did Thomas..don't think I got enough of him either...😤 seriously wtf is it with these charming & hilarious, headstrong, smart ass, string bean, stoner, Leo men fucking my heart up after only a few months time! What is the universe trying to tell me! I swear to God in another lifetime they would've been friends its an incredible likeness. History repeated itself it seems..I was so in love with him too, we were only 19 but omg he was awesome & we were ALL OVER EACHOTHER 🤤. He was my coworker, a red headed skinny bobblehead tho, & lived in my apt complex his best friend Danny boy did too in his own, hard core Call of Duty players I remember they high jacked my tv for optimum experience...😒 walking the tv across the parking lot was super sketchy looking lol.
Anyway after Thomas broke up with me for saying the L word "too soon" it freaked him out I guess & my brain cracked from the devastation...doctors are convinced it was the weed 😒 and apparently I ODd on Tylenol...crock of bs btw but whatever...i couldn't sleep & for days I was in a haze til I finally called my aunt for help & all of a sudden I was locked away in a psych ward for 2 weeks so they could observe what was wrong & diagnose me. Had to quit pima college & stop working, put everything on hold for my health. After I came back, Tom admitted he wanted me back but he hated my 1st love with a passion. I confessed I was back with my 1st as he was there at my side & visiting..when Tom had no idea where tf I was, me missing worried him sick. I had no clue & for all I knew he forgot about me while I was grieving over us in the hospital (I couldn't have my phone..knew a select few #s by heart otherwise he would've been the 1st I'd call), I was still dazed & super fucked up from the hospital..just outright exhausted when Thomas came to my apartment wanting to try again....yea I messed that up though regretfully. I told him the truth...I know it hurt him, hurt me too. Never saw Thomas again 😔 he was my 2nd, wonder how he is.
After I broke up with my 1st there was like a 1 or 2 month relationship with a fat Irish dude named Patrick I met from college, he insulted my mom..kicked his ass the curb 😂 yea she chased him away too just like my 1st...but an Irish version..was kinda a deadbeat anyway good riddance. I was alone for about 5 years after that til eventually met my ex-husband matt & was with him for technically 7 years & then that ended.
Long story short I was hit with another love bomb over the past year (T2.0 lol) & the fallout is taking forever to disapate lol...well good technically I don't want it to yet lmao, it feels good to love someone with a full heart except for the fact they ain't here 😔
I love genuinely & with a full heart, ive never had a problem with love, except for my abusive mother I sought approval for....never have I been with someone that didnt want it...didn't want me, until him. If someone shows that to me in a relationship it hurts me at the roots, u don't understand how much it brings out that little girl that just wants to be loved back..to be wanted. It hurts to think im not even worth that. I realize though that he may have his own issues to get past first b4 he can learn to give it back & its not my fault. I should on some things honestly but I don't blame him..not anymore. I blame my own trauma that made me so fucking sensitive & off-putting to him, going from 1 relationship to another without healing first, & not knowing how to function walking on eggshells around a new person trying not to piss them off...not knowing how to do a fresh relationship from the start again....when you've been with 1 person prior for 7 yrs.
I grew up being beaten as a kid, I have no father, my mother chose drugs over her own children, everybody in my family arent like a hallmark card far from it...its fucking tucson ok it's a hell hole. A good amount are notorious for causing trouble around the city, nobody talks to eachother..stays away & fends for themselves, or just killing themselves with drugs & selfishly hurting people around them. Very few of us are really trying to make it out & create life for ourselves but it's really hard to escape because we're all struggling. I cry because I've been strong for way too long on my own, I cry when I think im not good enough. Besides some relationships & friendships along the way for support guess who's always taken care of herself to survive, yours truly. It's a huge accomplishment that I've never been homeless, only a couple times have I had to rely on a friend or family member for a roof over my head & that was just 2020-2021,boy is it good to have connections during a pandemic phew, alot more tough to find someone willing to help. My big sis Lisa, my mentor assigned to me at 12 yrs old cuz my mom couldn't be a real parent lol...she says im a strong princess thats gone through hell & back, she's seen me do it countless times, she can attest to how much of a boss & survivor I am...she knows I deserve nothing but to be appreciated,respected, valued. I'm underestimated all the time because apparently people think they can read what kinda person I am just by looking at me or by word of mouth, hell no very doubtful screw u lol... i don't need anybody's belittling opinions of what kind of person I am ok, how about talk to me & ill see if u in the ballpark lol cuz I guarantee im a boss ass goody 2 shoes that can kick butt 😊. So listen here, I know my worth & I deserve a prince to keep me safe from the big bad world right? I need an actual shoulder to cry on not someone that'll walk away when I need them most 😔 Why tf do I feel like rapunzel & all I get is fuckin Flynn 😂 I'm a queen ok, hear me now.
This will be my 3rd own rented apartment. The 1st time I was a teen & imancipated...had that place for a few years 1st & 2nd love era, 2nd time was the escape from my mother as an adult & I moved away eventually got married. And now at another turning point in my life... escaping a very different hell & losing pretty much everything including the man that started it all, 3rd time is the charm right. Fuck my life sidewinder style. Honestly this is the best apartment complex I've found that I want as my home....its gated nothing can touch me from outside unless I say so, so at least im secure to a point.
Why am I talking and not sleeping 😐 I'm tired, it's 5am now. Yeaaaaa I'm done 💤
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Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah
Cody A.
https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo
James Hayden
We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.
Cody A.
https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU
James Hayden
https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY
Zack M
i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye.
James Hayden
Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee.
As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0.
Najwah
Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽
Olivia A
I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.
Cody A.
https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI
Pedro A
if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee
Olivia A.
Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)
Pedro A
i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final
Cody A.
Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!
James Hayden
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be
Najwah
After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol. I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again.
Sarah
Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry.
James Hayden
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc
Zack M
welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck.
Aimee
http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!
James Hayden
We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case.
Maddison
Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in.
Pedro A
SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...
Pedro A
Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn
Ben Kessler
I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.
Kalle N
hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye
Amy A
So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss
Olivia A
I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.
Najwah
All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying.
Cody A
https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw
Pedro A
im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point
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Day 39
i feel like i should stop counting these days like this bc.... it's gonna be some more. and it's weird. like. weird. the hugs not even the weirdest atm, just. knowing that i still have to stay. and there'd be nowhere to go anyway.
this afternoon i was on a walk and trying to look for a septum ring. but once again i forgot to take a cart in The smallest most crammes shops in the city. and had headphones. so i didnt hear the employees telling me to use a cart. but it's so stupid in there, whew. when my shoulder is less than 10cm away from another person's while passing them in the aisle, but i absolutely need to take the tiny short cart to be more aware of keeping the appropriate distance. yeah right. i am sorry that i always forget and the employees must be so damn annoyed by people like me. but still, that stressed me the fuck out.
and then i went some more walkinh through the park, had an apple in the sun. and got angry at that anti corona measurements picture again, didnt have a pen, again. next time. they already had a "please dont remove Meinungsfreiheit blah blah" lol. yup you're free to say whatever. doesnt mean it cant be dumb.
we had pasta salad today for lunch and i also had it for dinner! but i have to cook tomorrow, but idk what yet. and its nearly 5am. it's gonna be greeeeat. but recently i've been sleeping less again and also felt less tired, so i can just hope i get a good day tomorrow hm.
so i was already awake until about 3am, right. and then i read there is a meteor shower tonight. yup i obv watched some. it's 04:34 and i decided it's enough and i need to sleep. i saw the three biggest shooting stars of my life tho!!!! 1st just on the left side of the window, from top straight down along the side of the window, really bright last part, a perfect aesthetic example of a shooting star. 2nd one across from right to a bit higher on the left, relatively red and foamy looking. 3rd reallyyyy fast, along the top side of the window from right to left just before the corner.
i cried at the 2nd one. and tweeted abt the 1st. this was So worth it, i love stars. i also sent my friend a pic of her fav constellation, aw
oh and the last half hour. i listened to taylor swift bc it was really the mood for it, ...Ready for it? was somehow exceptionally great, idk.
oh and before i listened to lots more bts, the lyrics of songs are just amazing sometimes (and sometimes... not. um.) but i also still love the mango playlist i made after the peach tree rascals recommendation and song radio from last week on slowly. oh, raisin wrote me again! and i am posting lots lots on my 2nd instagram bc.. i feel like the beauty of the pictures calms me maybe? might just be telling that myself bc i want to make me feed better and longer, hm. posting a lot w increasingly weird captions either way.
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92 truths tag
Rules: once you’ve been tagged write 92 Truths about yourself. At the end tag 25 people to try it.
was tagged by @phanwithdogs thank!
LAST:
[1]Drink: water [2]Phone call: my daddy [3]Text message: lol [4]Song listened to: Evil Angel~ Breaking Benjamin [5]Time you cried: not that long ago
HAVE YOU EVER:
[6]Dated someone twice: no [7]Been cheated on: no [8]Kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed someone at all [9]Lost someone special: yeap [10]Been depressed: my life [11]Gotten drunk and thrown up: never
LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS;
[12] Lime green [13] Purple [14] Blue
IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU;
[15] made new friends: ye [16] fallen in love: yes [17] laughed until you cried: ye [18] found out someone was talking about you: no [19] met someone who’s changed you: no [20] found out who your true friends are: not really [21] kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope [22] how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: all but 1 [23] do you have any pets: ye [24] do you want to change your name: yes [25] what did you do for your last birthday: went to my best friends dorm [26] what time did you wake up: almost 2pm [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: watching vids with @actually-kokichi [28] name something you cannot wait for: moving out [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: when i woke up [30] what is one thing you would change about your life: most things about my life tbh [31] what are you listening to right now: playlist of songs that dont go together at all [32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ye [33] Something that is getting on your nerves: nothing atm [34] Most visited website: tumblr [35] funniest memory: the one i can think of rn is on halloween 2 years ago me and my two friends, one of whom has dwarfism, went to a dounut shop at like 5am for breakfast and i was dressed as jack frost and when we walked in some guy was like “well this is an interesting bunch” [36] memory from school: not a good memory but the first i thought of was having a panic attack in math class, and when i have them i cant actually speak, so my friend asked if she could bring me to the access center (like a therapy thing) and the teacher was a bitch and was like “why do you need to go?” and my frien was just like “because they cant talk” and we walked out [37] memories you want to make: i want to go on a lot of fun adventures with my friends. [38] natural hair color: brown [39] long or short hair: short [40] do you have a crush on someone: yes [41] what do you like about yourself: im really pretty [42] piercings: ears are pierced [43] blood type: B+ [44] nickname: Iz [45] relationship status: im so single please date me [46] zodiac sign: aqua [47] pronouns: they/he [48]favourite tv show: im just gonna say fuckin gold rush cause i watch that with my dad [49] tattoos: i want a lot, i have lots planned, but havent gotten any [50] left or right handed: right
FIRSTS;
[51] Surgery: tonsils [52] Piercing: got my ears pierced at like a couple months old [53] Best Friend: @the-merry-maiden [54] Sport: roller skating,,, or dance,, yeah dance [55] Vacation: i have no idea [56] Pair of trainers: who tf knows that? [57] Favourite snack: pretzels i think [58] Drink you hate: milk [59] I’m about to: probs sleep tbh [60] I’m listening to: why are these questions in the “firsts” section? also still the same playlist [61] Waiting for: my life to not suck [62] Wanting: to stop falling in love [63] Get married: if anyone ever wants to marry me [64] Career: marine biologist
YOUR TYPE;
[65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] Shorter or Taller: usually shorter unless the other person is more masculine than me [68] Older or Younger: dont really care [69] Romantic or Spontaneous: both [70] Nice arms or nice stomach: idc [71] Sensitive or Loud: either is good [72] Hook-up or relationship: defiantly relationship [73] Trouble maker or hesitant: trouble maker
HAVE YOU EVER;
[74] Kissed a Stranger: nope [75] Drank hard liquor: nope [76] Lost glasses/contacts: in the fucking ocean [77] Turned someone down: once by accident but he turned out to be gay anyway [78] Had sex on first date: LOL no. [79] Broken someone’s heart: i think so [80] Had your heart broken: ye [81] Been arrested: nope [82] Cried when someone died: yeap [83] Fallen for a friend: anytime i fall its always for a friend
DO YOU BELIEVE IN;
[84] Yourself: no [85] Miracles: a bit [86] Love at first sight: yes [87] Santa Claus: duh [88] Kiss on first date: i guess? [89] Angels: not really [90] Current best friends name: Amanda [91] eye color: brown [92] fav movie: Rise of the Guardians
okay now the tagging part,,,, @actually-kokichi @the-merry-maiden @thatoneirishgirl @mae-your-genderless-bae @80steve @girpandafriend @the-cosmic-sea @nekrokat @thegraceofebonee @anxiety-cucumber and i got lazy so 10 is enough and anyone else who wants to do it can say i tagged them <3
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SeoulSearching: Chapter 01
Long story short, the perfectionist in me considered this trip a complete failure. But I'll accept that with gratitude- after all, there's a first time for everything.
One of these "first times" was using automated check-in, which did not work for us anyway, since there were other procedures we were to complete in person. Nonetheless, the staff were all relaxed and helpful.
And yes, more surprisingly, it was the first time we used McDonald's automated ordering kiosks to order light supper, for the counters were closed that night.
I've had better spicy nuggets than these.
Another 'first': being on a late night flight, which we all regretted. Even Mum, who's usually a heavy sleeper, complained of being sleep deprived. As for me, it goes without saying that I disembarked in the morning half-disoriented.
I did look forward to witnessing the sunrise on the plane though. It wasn't crisp clear, and I couldn't take a shot of the crimson horizon from my seat. But a beautiful 5am view, it was.
In-flight meals were served shortly before 7am, but I suppose most of us were just tired and indifferent towards the food by then. The three of us opted for stir fried noodles with fried fish fillet, which surprised me a little as I thought Dad would prefer having porridge. Then again, Korean style porridge is likely very different from what we're used to.
｡･:*:･ﾟ
Upon arrival, Dad was amused that the immigration there, like Taiwan, used index fingerprints instead of thumbprints. I couldn't care less, so long the process was smooth. It did take slightly shorter than clearing the Taiwanese customs.
The next step was to purchase our T-money cards - also the first time I spoke Korean to a local there. As expected, it failed quite miserably. My mind already went blank when the GS25 staff told us that they did not sell normal 2,500won T-money cards. Thank goodness another staff came in and intercepted the awkwardness with some English.
Along the way I learnt that it's okay to speak a little bit of simple English. In fact, much better than struggling to be understood in Korean, only in vain. Fast forward to our arrival at Hongdae, where we deposited our luggage with Safex, their staff was pretty relaxed with conversing in English. (I think it's me who needs to relax LOL.)
Hongdae was a place with inexplicably good vibes that afternoon, even though most recommend going in the evening. We settled at a random restaurant, and it turned out to be our favourite meal in the entire trip. Each of us got this huge portion of bibimbap at just 6,500won.
At this point I probably figured out the distinction between traditional bibimbap and the more 'modern' ones like this. Traditional vegetable toppings typically include mushrooms, carrots, spinach, soybean sprouts, and cucumbers. But I don't recall much of those in this bowl- instead, alfafa sprouts, chopped yellow radish and cabbage were among the highlights. Making a wild guess right here that these modern variations are more widely seen in areas like Hongdae to appeal to youths and tourists. Not saying that traditional bibimbap tastes worse, but it had become a tad boring for our family overtime.
We later ventured down the smaller streets of Hongdae, passing by several stores and cafés- each with their own character. I recall being in awe with one of the many accessory stores; its rustic industrial design was well complemented with its scent, probably from a diffuser. Almost felt like stepping into an unfamiliar realm, even though earrings were its highlight.
We also visited Market A, but somehow none of us had a thing for their pieces. They just felt like elegant vibes I couldn't carry. Mum also commented that their pieces are mostly in 'plain' colours. Yes, precisely that- there isn't really a colour the locals can't manage, given their fair skin. In subsequent days, I also observed that they mostly wore such neutral, muted colours to work, especially black and cream.
Meanwhile, Dad had been sitting outside the store, coughing non-stop still. He was obviously displeased with all the walking, and the lack of sleep was taking a toll on him. Surprisingly though, he suggested to find a café nearby to recharge (he was never the type to visit cafés). So we gradually tried to find our way out.
The parents were doubtful when I started going underneath one of the bridges, but wow it turned out to be a really nice spot with shade. 책거리, or what I'd interpret as "Book Street" is such an apt name for a path leading students from the subway station exits towards the university. The afternoon breeze blowing under the bridge also came refreshing after a long walk in the sun. And witnessing some elderly folks reading together in the shade simply completed the picture.
Hongdae is, indeed, definitely more than its nightclubs, restaurants and fashion trends.
Thanks stranger for making this picture even more perfect. Really love the lines and warm vibes in this shot.
That street also had me noticing all the gorgeous flowers Seoul had to offer. I don't have good shots of them up close, for they were better admired in abundance.
Lots of white daisies in this city... I guess the more you avoid something, the more often you see them.
｡･:*:･ﾟ
This café (located in a mall near Exit 4) caught our attention so after some mindless shopping there, we picked a few items for afternoon coffee.
Their coffee (forgot which one Mum ordered for us) wasn't really something I'd fancy. It was our first time trying an beurre - seemingly just bread with cream and red bean filling but, of course, more sophisticated.
I picked up a chocolate financier as well, for I hadn't had one in years. Dad did not think much of it, but I never expected a financier to be the highlight anyway. But it's decently rich (damn, is this a pun HAHA) for me.
｡･:*:･ﾟ
Little did we know that the real challenge was to come after we collected our luggage and headed to Seoul Station. Mum suggested visiting Lotte Mart before checking into our apartment, but it was a really long walk from the airport line. Hell, if the walk within Dhoby Ghaut station was already a chore, I bet this was way, way worse especially with us lugging our baggage around.
By this time, Dad was having the runs and displaying more discomfort, so he decided to rest outside Lotte Mart, giving us 30 minutes to shop. I'd thought this was a great place with variety, for I'd always liked shopping in supermarkets but... The crowd, the tourists, even the promoters enthusiastically drawing customers in with Mandarin were quite a turn-off for me. It really just felt like a place for tourists to sweep all those goodies away last minute before they head home. And seeing Mum almost turn into a child in a candy store got me thinking, this is a bad sign.
When we finally got out of Lotte Mart, somehow Kakao Map failed us and could not point us in a direction that seemed right. Some bickering and struggling later, we decided to lug all that baggage underground once again back to the airport line to find the other station exit, since the subway was our only hope with more visible signs.
And after what seemed like endless walking, we reached our apartment in sheer exhaustion.
｡･:*:･ﾟ
By the time we recharged ourselves enough to go out for dinner, it was yet another challenge to decide what to eat. There were several (probably family owned) restaurants near the estate, but after passing by the lots of them, we headed back to Lotte Mart - this time via a shorter route we'd found.
Lotte Mart isn't so bad after all, for there were a few stalls that sold really affordable and filling meals. We ordered one set of steamed dumplings and 2 sets of kimbap for 13,000won, and though that wasn't way too filling, at least we were able to finish it all - Dad didn't like the tuna kimbap while I didn't like the tonkatsu kimbap so we swapped LOL. Somehow the dumplings were the highlight for me, not sure if it was the filling or the soy sauce.
On our way back, we hopped into a minimart and bought some bread for breakfast the next day (though later on I ate none of it). Oh, and out of curiosity Mum and I tried a spicy vegetable kebab thingy, it kind of set my tongue on fire but felt super shiok (much better than Spicy McNuggets, huh).
Back at the apartment, the duo started generating more complaints of our humble home for the next 4 days. Again, I was the one to blame (who else?), but that didn't bother me much for we were all scrambling to catch up on sleep that night.
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071|365 - Shitty Habits
With the whirlwind of projects that I’m blitzing through, I’ve developed some shitty habits and for the sake of being vulnerable, I’m sharing them here. Also as a reminder to myself of the shitty habits so that I don’t do them again and see how much I’ve grown after “graduating” from doing these. Here it goes:
Avoiding shitty situations - I’ve been doing this since I was married at 19 and it was often a fight. I just didn’t want to talk about things that made me feel uncomfortable (ie. finances, etc). I’d hide/avoid if I could (ie. not responding to texts, calls, etc.) or in my husband at the time’s case I would do something that caused him to not want to talk to me (sub-consciously I was doing this, I wasn’t really aware but knowing what I know now its clear as day). ***ACTION STEP - suck it up. even if its a small step like responding to say I’ll respond later, I know I’ll be training my brain to re-program itself out of avoiding situations.
Broken promises - This is mostly in business where I say I’ll be done in a day and it’s more like a week. I realize before that I think I do this because I don’t value myself so I don’t think other people will value me enough to wait. That and I don’t keep track of all my tasks consistently to know what’s due when. ***ACTION STEP - Keep a running list of tasks that I need to do so I’m aware of my workload and overestimate timelines. Also say NO more often.
Consume less - and CREATE more. I notice if I start my day with my phone, I’m there for a good fuckin 2 hours scrolling and reading articles and messaging everyone and just going deeper into the rabbit hole of social media. ***ACTION STEP - So I’ve quit looking at my phone AT LEAST 1hr before bed, 1hr after bed and I’ve batch tasks so during breaks I’ll quickly scroll through (unless its instagram cause I feel like there’s more interesting content there lol) and then I’ll set aside time to respond to everyone, and then reply again during breaks unless they reply right away then I would too. But yeah, I know I need to be in a CREATE mode. As in publishing, sharing, writing.
Get back into routines - I had a badass morning routine and then I had a project I wanted done ASAP so I’d double up time and work nights. But I notice when I do that it fucks up my morning and nighttime routines. When I was getting up at 5am and working out I would have that extra time to get back and work and I felt SO damn productive. Now I’m kinda winging everything where I fit everything in place where my schedule allows or if I remember. ***ACTION STEP - In bed my 11pm, no electronics (except right now obviously cause weekends lol). Sleep by midnight, awake at 630 (I’m the rare breed that needs 6ish hrs of sleep, any more and I’m a zombie). Gym at 7am, home at 8am. breakfast, journal, meditate. 830am review goals, visualize, plan. 9am start work.
Consistency - in ALL areas. I think I mentioned this one yesterday. But anyway. ***ACTION STEP - be really clear on the things I need to do consistently and have 1 small action for each habit I need to work on. So reading, I read a page a day before I start work, etc etc etc.
And yeah I think that’s it for now lol
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Hello! I'm going to start answering the old ask first and then the one about the show, okay? Last week was busy? Because of Mother's Day? Or something else? I dont know if i have to cheer you up saying "dont worry, this week everything is going to go back to normal", or if i shouldnt because that will mean you'll get bored at work🙊 Did you brought the ballons finally? (1)
HIIII LOVE!!!! Ufffff, I didn’t realized Mother’s Day meant May was starting,jajajaja. May is our August. We have A LOT of places to go to make candy bars, do you know what it is? Well, we put it on communions, weddings… and we have a couple every weekend. So we make the things we put on the bar during the week. It’s a lot of work for all of us, but it’s the month we make the most money,jajajaja, so 🤷🏻♀️.I FORGOT the balloons 🤦🏻♀️😔. I totally did. I didn’t think about them till a bit before the show started, lol. It would have been so cool, but I totally forgot.
U didnt go to a lot of concerts? Dont say that! I’ve only gone to 2/3 shows. Not much. & much less this days, with so many festivals. Oh, yeah. Ed came some years ago, but i was too young. Uh, i feel u, the sale of the tickets was crazy. Like, we were supposed to go to see him in Mdd, and we ended up in Bcn, & with another kind of ticket, not the one we had agreed to buy. But totally worth it!! I know he has a reputation for being tedious and repetitive, but his sound live is not like that. (2)
Oh, there are so many concert and festivals these days. I guess I never was a kid to ask my parents for a lot of things, and I never really had someone who I liked enough to ask to go concerts,so 🤷🏻♀️. But I love concerts. The ambient… well, I already told you,jajaja. It feels like you’re around your people, or at least to me, bc I don’t know anyone in real life who likes the same music as I. And I loved it the time in the line,jajja. It was like we were camping. I don’t know, jajaja, it felt right. Ed has that reputation? I dididnt know about it. I’ve see a couple of videos, and I found it so difficult what he does,jajja, with the guitar and the pedal he uses to record his voice and all that.
HAHAHAHA. I am laughing because now you have not only managed to find a Larrie at Harrys’s show, but also at Niall’s!! Either there’s many of us, or you are a Larrie Magnet😂 How can i do the same?? Show me. She keeps up because i have tumble, and her bffs also have tumblr and twitter and they share the news on the groupchat. I mean, she doesnt know everything (no one does) but we tell her the important things.(3)
Jajajajajja, I think I’m s larrie-magnet,🤣🤣🤣. Hey, you have your own larrie-pal at home, what more do you need??? Jajaja. (I have my own anti at home, so…). You tell her important things??? I hope you’ve tell her about Louis last night!! Jajajja mymy, did you see him??? I missed him so much. He looked so good. And he’s so good. Ay, I could cry,bc he deserves a lot better from everyone, from life… You know “hay gente que nace con estrella, y gente que nace estrellada”? Well, I always think that about Louis. He never gets it right. But I really hope the future holds only good things for him. :/Well, your sister and her friends sound more organized than me, jajajajjaja. I’m now in a group chat, ajajaja, we’ll see how that works, or if I have Togo out bc they talk too much,jajajaja (I’m old, my phone ringing too much, makes me cranky🤣🤣🤣🤣👵🏻)
Yes, men suits tend to be more boring. Harry need to do something, but at the same time, dont. Harry + red carpets + cool suits + HQ pictures = my dead. Oh wow. You really are half-witch. JAJAJAJAA. Me as your sister trying to take profit of your hability. Isnt she smart?😂😂 did you really guess the birth of the little girl? How? (Can you guess the end of BG too? Pls end it). Oh! Okay, i get it now. He sounds pretty special then. (4)
Jajjaja jajajja, that’s true (I sometimes say things that louis (mostly) has said, jajaja, and that’s true is his response to Harry’s “the wind make nice waves”, jajajja, so read it with Louis’ voice😝). See?i almost had a heart attack yesterday when I saw Louis in a suit,jajajja.Well, she’s always looking at ways to make money of everything,jajja (no she doesn’t, but she does it more than me). I don’t know how,jajaja, we were making a “porra” and I thought that+and that+and that… it was more a guess, than a prediction, jejejeje. And I can’t control my predictions, they usually happen in my dreams. I wish I could end it. I’ve been wishing for it to end blowing my birthday candles for years, jajaja (and I can’t believe it’s been years 🤦🏻♀️)
Gay parade? JAJAJAJA. Listen, but why? Why would u take a cake to a parade? Do ppl usually do that? I’ve never seen it. Uuuh. Yes. Of course we are queer because its trendy, thats what we, dumb&young people do. Of couse. Being hated because of that is so cool!! I hate that logic. Uh. Not all changes are bad, and just bcs you dont see LGTB+ people doesnt mean they dont exist. I’m so sorry you had to stand that while you couldnt even yell at him! And you cake didnt deserve that insult either. (5)
Yeah, I don’t know his logic, but I guess he doesn’t use logic that much when he says things like that. And yeah, I mean, if you’ve never been hated for something like that, it can be hard to imagine. But also, I hate people who doesn’t care about their surroundings, y'know. I might never felt hated because my color skin (I’m white), but I know dark-skinned people suffer for it. So I’ll attend at whatever they say. And if I can make something to alleviate their pain or help them, I try to do it, y'know. But I can’t with people who only knows their own reality and doesn’t care to learn about the rest. (I don’t know if I’m making any sense bc I’ve been writing this sentence for a couple of hours,lol)
Oh no. She wasnt kind. It was meant to show me that she thinks i am to annoying and political, but i dont mind. It is what it is. What i found sad is that it wasnt even a boy who said that but a girl, but well. Whatever. Oh nono. Dont worry. I was just complaining because thats what i live for. I enjoy learning, but not this way. Anyway, it’s just one month and then summer!! I dont know if i will be working or not, but either way, it’s a great perspective. (6)
I feel like I have to say hi again, lol. I started writing yesterday (Tuesday) in the morning and now is Wednesday night 😒. May is so busy at the shop. And to add to that, today at 8am my cousin’s mom called me because he had woke up at 5am. He has a sleeping disorder, and sometimes he wakes up at 4-5am and he doesn’t go back to sleep. And I’m there for those days (bc the parents has to go to work, obviously). Anyway, I have to answer you now bc tomorrow will be busy too. I have to go to the shop to help my sister, bc we have TOO much to do.
Well, she doesn’t sound very kind. And I don’t know how good of a friend she can be if she says those things to you. And yes, I agree. I don’t like when people thinks like that, but when is a woman… I can’t. It’s like when some women say that “I’m sure she provoked him” when a girl is abused or raped. 😡😡😡.i, than am all for women solidarity, can’t comprehend how women can be “machista” (I can’t find the world in English?).And yeah, I’m the same. I love learning things, but I don’t like to be graded,jajajja. And, a free summer to go on vacation, or just rest, sounds amazing. But also, the money you can make working, sounds amazing, too,jajajjaja. Some people work for a month, and then enjoy the rest 🤷🏻♀️.
YEES. I SAW THE PICS. HE WAS SO CUUYTE. AND SMILING. Tought i feel bad because there was a lot of people around him and i dont like it. It gaves me the impression that people treat them as shiw monkeys :(. But anyway, i saw him!! 😍😍😍 Yep. I saw that theories too. Idk anything, but if that’s what he is doing, then i’ll wait. Of course i will. Did fhey really put For You in Pasapalabra? JAJAJAJA. He is trudly successing in life😂 Que nivel! (I sound ironic but I’m really happy internally). (7)
Awwwww, did you see him at that award show??? He is such a good person?? I hate that media doesn’t focus on that side of him. He’s kind, lovely, good amazing hugs, did you see how he kept rubbing her shoulder to keep her calm???? OMG! And,yeah, I hate that there’s always the same people around him, like he was a zoo animal.Yeah, I don’t watch Pasapalabra, but I got to watch it for a moment one day, and they have like this musical minute? And they played For You. I told my brother, and he told me that they play the same song every day for a week or more. So, I’m glad for Liam. He has a very good team behind him.
Surgery? Okay okay. Then i’m not asking, but i’m sending you luck and hugs!!! 🍀💕 I just saw that you did tell me about your irish nails. I must have not read that that day. Ups, sorry. I have finals, yes. I start tomorrow and i finish (if i pass everything at first try) around the 10th of June. I just have to suffer for a few weeks more.🤷 Thanks for asking!! (8)
Thanks love. I haven’t told anyone. Not even my friends know about it yet.
Ohhhhh, you’re in the middle of your exams. I really really wish you the best. That everything goes well, and you stay calm. And I hope you pass everything at your first try, so your summer is a bit longer. 😚😚
#o my lovely flower anon#I feel like this message is a complete mess#sorry if I don’t make any sense#or if I forgot to answer to something#or maybe I let a sentence without finishing it#🙄🙄 I’m able to do that in real life too#much love!
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5am thoughts in February 2017
**ADDENDUM; pervaded by sneering inner voice of depression, hyper-aware of my privilege, just trying to exorcise some of this internalised authority/capitalist bullshit and someone else might find it cathartic to read or identify with, perhaps, maybe, it’s worth it if so. ALSO there is a better way to DO we need to be aware and vigilant but not to the point of following the ins and outs of it all and burdening ourselves to the point of illness or debilitation, accept chaos but also accept that we CAN resist but we have to do it together and we have to be well**
Defeat << LOL don’t be so melodramatic you depressive shit! Easy for you to say, in any case.
Art?! What good is art right now? The stakes are too high. Step up, step out of the bubble. Echo chamber fuckin fuckheadz (see video below for comic relief); we’re all being played. Data streams and like-like enclaves have so much to answer for.
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But then depression gives you a false sense of insight, AND doom!! That deep grief feeling is here anyway, whether the world is burning or not, find comfort in that, if nothing else…
You say to friends:
What can we do?
Thinking about number one, what if that money you managed to save up becomes worthless?
War time is a possibility in our lifetime! Imagine being a refugee!! THIS IS STILL HAPPENING IN 2017, just not to privileged complacent fuckheadz like us. *yet*
Is it a case of resisting or escaping? And what about those who aren’t able to escape?
And what if we can’t escape because the world is nuked?
You suppose if you care about all this then you’re not really depressed? Or the opposite; this degree of caring, this compulsion to burden and guilt-trip yourself with it is the epitome of some grand depressive strategy your brain has invented to fuck yourself over with even though you’re perfectly able and capable. There you go again - BRAIN! As if it’s limited to your brain and not your whole being ‘lol’.
Protests, when represented in the news, just become a soundbite; lefty luvvies with nothing better to do causing a nuisance disrupting shit with their social justice crusades. ‘Suddenly everyone is an expert on politics’ TROLLFACE.
ARGH
IS there a plan? Are far right religious nuts in government actually religious or do they just know that the ONLY way to get people behind them enough for them to do whatever they want in terms of handing the whole state over to corporate / capital interests is to drum up this war of ideologies Christian crusade / general extreme divide and rule bullshit? Like, is Steve Bannon actually a Christian? Does Donald Trump actually think women shouldn’t be able to have abortions? Of course not!!! It’s likely he’s paid for many fuckin abortions for women he’s knocked up (I don’t even want to think about this). It’s likely maybe that one of his daughters has had an abortion. They will all indulge in ultimate ‘vices’ (WHY THESE STUPID MORAL STANDARDS IT’S 2017 FFS!!!!) behind closed doors, putting on the respectable stiff suited righteous-pious WHITE-SUPREMACIST MISOGYNIST public persona. This is all about rich white dudes cementing their rule of the world, and creating and exploiting religious fervour is really the only way to gain ultimate control.
Maybe the middle ground wasn’t so bad after all…
Can’t there be a way to divide and rule which isn’t so extreme, so white-supremacist patriarchal bullshit?
Although Joe Stillwater made an astute point about America and white priv: ‘The culture of “the flaying of backs; the chaining of limbs; the strangling of dissidents; the destruction of families; the rape of mothers; the sale of children" (Ta-Nehisi Coates) still sits beneath this place. It's not gone, only just rearing its head again. We thought that maybe it's gone, or at least, those of us who aren't black. Those of us that are black know that shit isn't true. Time for those of us that aren't black to look harder at that nasty turd of deep cast racism (now embodied by a tangerine), and ask yourself where that beast lives within you, and if you can eradicate it now that it lives again in the light.’
Some will read this and think, “what is she on about, that’s America. We’re Britain, it’s not even our concern or fight.” (Never mind our government’s complicity and the indications that we’re going the same way, never mind their current policies and strategies of divide and rule) Those that don’t see the bigger picture…
You console yourself by looking at this chart; at this particular bigger picture. But humanity is showing no signs of pressing pause, of consciously re-evaluating its (lack of) purpose and strategically bringing about the fluid mode. You think this chart is very optimistic. You think of all those conversations among similarly-educated friends and peers about the world and how it’s lovely that you are all so optimistic and utopian in your thinking. Like, it’s 2017! Let’s all get our shit together, press pause and plan out how this can play out in a way that benefits everyone, not just the elite. How sweet!
You’ve gotta block it out, you’ve gotta save your spoons. you’ve gotta just take it one day at a time and not weigh yourself down with all this, because you’re no good to the cause if you’re ill-ill.
“Just don’t think about it.”
“Capitalism has won”
“You can only do your bit”
“You’re fuckin deluded, it’s not your job to save the world, stop reading articles!!”
“There’s every indication that the world is descending into fascism, that the elite are turning everyone against each in order to stabilise their hegemony. But it’s happened before, we’ve been relatively lucky so far in our lifetimes. But there’s nothing you can do about it on your own, and there’s nothing you can do if you’re ill”
World is a fuck and it doesn’t owe you SHIT
You say --- what about the Dadaists, didn’t they all go to Zurich and sit in cafes acknowledging and exploring the utter fuckin absurdity of it all, albeit whilst adopting equally daft nihilist stances, but, can’t we all just escape? --- YEAH BUT THEY mostly all FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR 1, AND THEN THEY SAID FUCK THIS SHIT, YOU GOT YOUR PRIORITIES WRONG, WORLD, FUCK YOUR IMPERIAL MONEY-DRIVEN WAR THAT YOU SHROUD WITH NATIONALISM TO JUSTIFY SENDING A WHOLE GENERATION OF MEN TO AN EARLY GRAVE in the trenches of France --- yeah but we don’t have to fight a hollow, horrific war to know that it’s absurd and not the answer! We already know there is no answer, but that we need to proactively structure the world with that in mind, in a way that distributes wealth fairly!
“Fuck the world before it fucks you”
“Life isn’t fair”
The world is a hostile place, but you knew that already because you’re aware. People say: is it really that much worse? All this shit was going on anyway, it was just covert, systematic, embedded, institutionalised, the ‘DEEP STATE’. But it is worse, it’s tangibly worse for many real fuckin people who are being continuously dehumanised and scapegoated at best, abused, deported or worse at worst.
Maybe you should get laser eye surgery for the ‘pok-ee-lipz
Maybe you should go to sleep (oh wait, you did, you switched off at 5pm after accomplishing work and avoiding the news, you got pissed and did a bit of shaking and you sang your songs and made time for yourself and drew without it having to be ‘work’. Then you woke up at 4am with your mind racing, and you tried to sleep, but you knew you had to come and write. Now you’re here. Go back to bed, rest, be well. You’re no good to anyone when you’re ill.
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#world#2017#politics#depression#writing#thoughts#personal#america#trump#brexit#data streams#algorithms#art#war#systems#meaningness#philosophy#ethics#bigpicture#ill#spoon theory
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february 1, 2020
the past months on studyblr have been a blast, but i realised none of you really know me that well. so: one thing i’m obsessed with is data. i track the books i read, my mood, my stress levels, my habits, my attendance, time on my phone, sleep... everything. i love graphs and pie charts and just having that insight in certain aspects of my life.
since studyblr is to keep myself accountable & motivated, i think that includes sharing my progress, even if it’s about how many days in the month i eat snacks. because these things matter! maybe my motivation has been really low and i’m beating myself up over it only to realise at the end of the month that i slept horribly and was terribly stressed. so here we go:
average mood: 7/10
average stress level: 3.7/10
honestly, this actually was much lower until i was invited to be on TV. those 8s and 9s really racked up the average. overall, this was a pretty stress-free quarter and it’s lovely to look back and see i had a good time. i often only remember the stressful days but the average really shows me i had a lot of good days as well!
took vitamins on 30 days. I needed to do it every day. success rate of 97%
in all honesty: i only take vitamin d because i have a deficit and it makes the dark winter months soooo much worse. but i’m doing well!
worked out on 4 days. I wanted to work out 8 days. success rate of 50%
not my favourite thing to do, but it’s healthy. a workout doesn’t have to be in the gym. sometimes i just do some exercises at home, sometimes i play just dance. as long as its active and gets my blood pumping, i’m good.
kept up with skincare on 13 days. I aim to do it every day. success rate of 42%
read a book on 17 days. I wanted to read every day. success rate of 55%
books i read: - the 7 deaths of evelyn hardcastle by stuart turton - circe by madeline miller - nobody by marelle boersma
meditated on 6 days. I wanted to meditate every day. success rate of 19%
slowly getting into this as a way to wind down after a busy day. i do it as part of my night routine and it’s a great way to sleep better - at least for me. because i usually listen to guided meditation in bed it’s hard to do it when my boyfriend is around, so i might need to try a different approach.
had zero snacks on 2 days. i wanted to eat zero snacks ever. success rate of 6%.
am contemplating turning this into “max 1 snack” because i love snacks. this was a new year’s resolution but it’s not necessarily working in the way i want to. to fix my snack habits i first need to fix all my eating habits - the reason i snack so much is probably because i don’t eat breakfast and sometimes forget lunch... anyway, this “success rate” just looks sad lol.
drank max one caffeinated beverage on 24 days. my aim was every day. success rate of 77%
oh, i love coffee, and i love energy drinks! caffeine doesn’t give me energy, but i just really like the taste of drinks that have it, haha. thankfully i realised there are plenty of decaf options (even for energy drinks)!
didn’t drink alcohol on 28 days. i count the success as every day but honestly alcohol doesn’t bother me. success rate of 90%
i don’t really mind alcohol and i don’t get bad hangovers, but i do want to know how much i’m drinking.
went to sleep before 11 on 10 days. i wanted to aim for all days. success rate of 32%
the meditation really helps with this! sleep has a huge impact on my mood, stress and productivity, so i try to sleep before 11 every night to ensure i get enough of it. it doesn’t always work, especially when i’m on my phone in bed, but i do try.
was up before 9 on 16 days. tried to get up at 9 every day. success rate of 52%
unlike what seems like the entirety of studyblr (and studytube, according to all the “my 5am morning routine” videos) I am not a morning person. i like sleeping in and can easily sleep for 10 hours if i would let myself. because i mostly had afternoon classes the past quarter, i could get up at 11 and not rush to lectures, but i realised it didn’t make me feel any more rested. so i try to get up before 9 no matter what i’m doing that day, just to keep some stability.
#ocpost#datadump#january data#habit#habits#study habits#good habits#habit tracker#mood tracker#mood#studyblr#study#studyspo#study motivation#collegeblr#studying#student#studyblog#new studyblog#study inspiration
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