#ANYWAY! Impostor is interesting. They jump into people's lives but also try to better them

[hajihiko]

You'd expect the stern, analytical people-reader character to be cold and aloof, so Impostor authentically being a responsible and caring person is fun to me. Lookadisguy lovedisguy

[macattackp]

Lies Chronically Ill/Injured People Tell Themselves:

1. I Am a Burden Who Only Takes From Others and Can Never Give Back

We all have things that we feel we SHOULD be able to provide. As a guy, it KILLS me that I can’t do things like shovel the driveway, help carry heavy items, or have a job that could make me a breadwinner for someone.

Don’t undersell what you do bring though! For one thing, chronically ill/injured people tend to be masters of empathy, not to mention we get pretty knowledgeable on the medical system. If you aren’t... don’t fret over it! If you can’t do something, then don’t! Focus on what you CAN do instead!

2. I Am Undeserving of Love Because Who Would Take on a Burden Like Me?

This one is another huge struggle for a lot of people. I know as a guy, I feel the added pressure of being worthless if I can’t provide financially for a girl. (No matter how progressive people may be, this progressiveness tends to vanish when their daughters’ well being are concerned), but I know just as many girls who say the same things.

“How can someone love me when I just am stuck in bed all day?” “Why would someone choose me if I could never have kids?” “Who would choose a spouse who may not be able to have sex?”

Look. I’ll be honest, I have no wise advice on this one as to find someone who is willing to support you on your struggles. Nor can I be dense and say “You’re just misreading people!” because let’s admit it... our lives are tough and there are many who would choose not to join us.... what I can say though... is I have had friends who had chronic illnesses. Some could never have sex. Some would require tons of medical expenses. Some were missing limbs or body parts. One was even pretty much guaranteed to die before she turned 30.... And they ended up getting married, and loved, and supported. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but I do know it IS possible! So don’t put yourself down or give up hope!

3. I Have to Work Harder to Keep Up With Everyone or Else I Will be a Failure!

This world has a main road, but that main road has a lot of cracks... and there are probably more people in this world who have fallen through the cracks, than walk on the main road. But we feel like everyone in this world is on the main road because once people fall through the cracks they tend to be overlooked even though there are so many of them.

It is not fair, nor is it doable to be expected to keep up with others when you are carrying a different burden. We have the Paralympics for a reason. Would you ask a man with one leg to race against the Olympic sprinters? Would you ask someone carrying a massive boulder to outrun someone without one?

And in all honesty, it is not always as cut and dry as “Accept you’ll get 4th or 5th place.” Our world tends to try to put us on rails. We make everything systematic and anything that doesn’t fit within our metrics is considered broken. We often judge people more by their process than their results! But the way laid out by others as the “Right way” isn’t always the only or even the best way! 

Learn how YOUR body works! I was a horrible student in school until I finally gave up relying on teachers and just studied the way I enjoyed it. I figured at that point “As long as I pass, what else matters.” but had the added surprise when I jumped from a 60′s-70′s student at best to my lowest grade being a 94! It doesn’t always work out this well, but your body is yours. No one else can tell you how it works. Learn from what people have done in the past but look for the way YOU work best! When you look back you realize, none of the biggest world changers really ever lived their lives by the book anyways!

4. I Have To Get Better So I Can Have a Life!

To an extent, this makes sense. Without energy, or finances, and with a schedule stuffed to the gills with doctors appointments meaning you can never go far from home... it is hard to feel like there is really much you can do... but... at the same time....

YOU ARE ALIVE NOW!

You may not have the finances to do what you want. You may not have the social life that you enjoy. You may not have an overabundance of time or energy... But you are alive RIGHT now! You are allowed to live!

Write that book you always wanted! Learn a new language! Cook yourself a big meal! You may tell yourself “BUT I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF I SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON INSTEAD!” 

Look! That stuff will be there whether you focus on it 24/7 or 12/5! Don’t let it get out of hand, but if you aren’t going to be able to solve it by worrying about it more then don’t! Spend your time doing things that will revitalize you, help you grow, and give you some interesting stories to tell once this is all over!

5. I Am Not Allowed to Be Happy or Have Fun Until I Am Better!

This one is a tough one as it ties into our impostor syndrome. That horrible feeling that we get every time we start to enjoy ourselves or smile in public of “Oh no! What if people assume I’ve been faking this whole time?!?!?!”

You are allowed to laugh. You are allowed to smile. You are allowed to have good things happen to you. Yeesh, there is no time in life that it is more important to have happy moments than through hardships!

Being happy or enjoying yourself from time to time through hardships isn’t a sign that your hardships were never that hard. It is a sign that you are fighting forward. That you aren’t letting this take over your life. And plus, as human beings we NEED hope and happiness... we die both mentally and physically without it

6. There is No Future After This

This is one that I personally struggle with... if we count the 6 years of trauma as a kid that originally gave me PTSD, and these last 7+ years of pushing as hard as I can only to fail harder and harder (including these last 2.5 years that have been giving me a whole new layer of trauma on top of my previous trauma) I’m reaching the point where more than half my life has been going through miserable, destructive times where I lose most things that matter to me and find myself alone at the start again in a dark place. It is hard... honestly... Anyone who follows my account and sees my tagless venting posts know that there are more than enough times I question why I even try anymore when I don’t even know what’s left of me...

But there was a movie I watched a while ago... another cheesy hallmark movie, but it was a good one as far as hallmark movies go. I remember they had this one line in it that really stuck with me.

“I’ve lost everything 3-4 times now! It’s the perfect place to start!”

Now I’m not as optimistic as that ambitious old man from the movie was... but I do know this.... You never know what life can hold. The same way you can lose everything that matters to you in a year, I’ve seen people gain more than they ever thought possible in a week. Not to say we are all about to win the lottery or by some miracle wake up completely healed of all afflictions... but I do believe that if it was possible to have things go this bad, it is also possible for things to go much better.

And let’s admit it. You might be thinking “Oh! But I’m not strong enough to make it happen!” and you’d be right... you aren’t. But honestly who is? We live in a world where tons of people succeed or fail... and very few I can say “earned it.”

Life IS unfair, but if it wasn’t, we’d all be dead! What we really get upset about is that it seems to be more unfair in some peoples’ favour than our own. But life is tough. The fact that any of us live is a miracle in itself. Don’t limit what the future holds for you based on what you feel you’re able to do. You aren’t a static person, and this world doesn’t rise or fall on your shoulders either! (even though it feels like that most mornings). Give it your best with what you’ve got every day, and realize even if each day feels like a year, this is still only a season of life. Personally I want to fight and survive long enough to see a day where this all seems like it was worth it!

7. I Will Never Be Self Sufficient!

The lie in this one isn’t that you will be self sufficient! The lie is that people assume ANYONE is self sufficient!

Look. Do you see people growing their own food? Even if they do, do they grow their own fertilizer? Even if they do, did they build their house from scratch, their car, their fridge, do all their electrical work, never once look up anything on the internet?!?!?! No!

We are NOT a self sufficient species. From the minute we are born we NEED people just to stay alive let alone to succeed! So you have to rely on people in a way you don’t see others needing to rely on people! Does an electrician complain that he needs to call someone to fix the backed up pipes when the plumber doesn’t??? No! That would be stupid! And to try and fix it on his own would be stupider! 

You are ALLOWED to rely on others. You are ALLOWED to ask for help. This doesn’t make you any less of a person! This makes you human!

8. I’m Not Worth It . . .

This is something I struggled with even before I realized just how much was stacked against me from the start... I remember one time, someone very precious to me sat down in front of me and for 15 minutes she said nothing else but “YOU ARE WORTHY!” She repeated it over and over again in different ways, not letting me talk and refusing to say anything else until I finally just accepted that I maybe was. Times change, and she may not be around to say that anymore, but those words still stick with me, and that moment still pops in my head every time I am feeling really down on myself like a planted warrior to fight against my internal self doubt...

There are many things in our lives that make us feel worthless.... “I messed up and hurt them.” “I have a lot of health concerns.” “I am not attractive.” “I have a perverted mind.” “I don’t fit with what society says I should be.” “My parents/people who I care about said I wasn’t good enough.” The list goes on... but YOU ARE WORTHY!

“But I don’t deserve to be happy!” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve anyone to put up with me.” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a happy life” YOU DO!

“But I don’t deserve a second chance.” YOU DO!

Whatever you’re worried about

Whatever is bugging you

Whatever lies are bouncing around in your head right now saying you should just disappear and stop being a bother to others

YOU

ARE

WORTHY!

Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise, LEAST of all yourself!

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what you’ve done or haven’t done.... but I can tell you this right now. You are a one of a kind beautiful life. You are allowed to exist in this world, you are allowed to flourish, you are allowed to enjoy your time with it and interact with others. What’s more, you aren’t just put up with, you are NEEDED! Because there is only one of you out there, and this world needs you. Treat yourself well, and let yourself know just how valuable you are. You are you, and that is beautiful!

[foxofsunholt]

How would the ros act if due to time travel schenanigens they met their children before they got together with the mc? What would they say to the child and the mc? How would they feel?

This ask was really interesting, thank you for sending it in! I kept trying to make it more light-hearted, but in the FOS-world, the idea of fate is very strong—any one of these characters confronted with the idea of what their future would assume that’s what’ll happen 100%. For some characters, the implication of that is too great–the extreme disconnect between the idea of them eventually having a family against what their current situation is…is just too…jarring? It should be a hopeful sign, but it would wack them in the face like a raw fish, esp. pre-getting together with the MC in which they’re just ripe with emotional issues.

Anyway my point is this really ran away from me ajskhdkajdh

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    Colette is thrilled to meet her parents, but she keeps her lips sealed about the nature of her birth. She is blonde and smiles without shame–she looks so much like Adelaide that a connection can no longer be denied. Adelaide hugs her daughter, weeps into her arms at the very idea—that one day her life is happy. Colette is eager to know The Fox of Sunholt beyond what she has heard in stories; to get to live through the legacy of her parents. Adelaide will not discuss the logistics, but she pulls you aside and speaks with excited whispers. Look at what this means, she says, it means we win. Colette is hope, and everything Adelaide could have wished for and more.

But Adelaide has never spoken of her affections for you, and with news of your child in the future, she concerns herself with never speaking of it. Colette tells you of a great love-story–yours. She speaks with reverence and her words feel like a lie. You ask her why she’s never told Adelaide about these stories (which you still don’t think are real). She grows very quiet; she reminds you a lot of yourself like that, as she tries to make herself small. She said she doesn’t want to hear it, your daughter confesses. You feel her pain as she tries to hide her love for the both of you away, for Adelaide’s sake.

The future can be bright and beautiful, she’s addressing the people of Sunholt and for the first time you notice the way her lips quiver when she lies. Colette is just a symbol of a future Adelaide pretends to believe in.

When faced with the truth, the princess cowers.

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Theodore and Theodosia know better than to incur their mother’s ire, so they only tell you about the circumstance of their being. It’s clear they’re uncomfortable around Camille. Confused, you ask them why. It’s Theo who answers, picking at the dirt under his nails. She’s just really..different. But the magic the twins use is hard to hide, their techniques proof of secrets passed through Camille’s family. The idea of this ‘future’ unnerves her. The thought, the mere idea, that her life turns out okay is horrifying. What had all her pain been for? What then is the point of all her work? And how–how in the name of Seven is this magical future supposed to happen? As far as she’s concerned, their future is not hers. Vehemently she denies it, and them.

And in doing so, she pulls from you. She might run, one day, if her loyalty to Adelaide did not anchor her to this journey. Everything is just something waiting to go wrong–and knowing there is a life out there with you–that is something she’d never be able to accept the inevitable ruining of.

You get to know your children well, but they don’t recognize their mother. And you find yourself knowing Camille less.

I wanted to set the world on fire, she tells you, standing over ash and rubble, now what?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Ares runs with his arms open to hug you immediately, and then to Mars. He doesn’t think about the implications of being so open about his parents, he’s just happy to see the two of you. It is a shock to see the brave warrior he knows to be his father suddenly a stiff and grumpy man, but his boundless energy is enough to cancel out even Mars’ awkwardness–most of the time, at least. Mars himself struggles to bring the topic up with you, or Ares. He insists this is some trick, he tries to draw away from you but he misses you too much when you are apart. He has not accepted that Ares is his son, or that there is some future with you–but he takes it in stride, best he can.

One day, when Ares is fast asleep, Mars gathers the courage to speak. What does it mean? He asks and you shrug. Might he be an impostor? You shake your head, Ares is too honest for that. And what do you think? Do you—do you really believe that we–that there’s— Words catch in his throat and confidence dies on his tongue.

There is an idea of the future that Mars has always had. It is one lived alone in a world of blacks & whites. There is no place for love in his future, but he asks you if you’ll allow him to be wrong, just this once.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Kai stumbles into the group with a bloody nose and a crooked grin. He smiles the way Faith does, with mischief behind his teeth. You make the connection instantly, though he denies sharing any details of his parents. Your stomach twists as you eventually piece together who the other-half is in this equation. Me? You shout one night, dangling your feet into a cold lake with Kai silently by your side. He frowns but nods and draws a finger to his lips. If you tell her, she’ll run—then I’ll poof outta existence. That’s how future stuff works, right? He’s astute, he gets that from you.

The future is scary, that’s what Faith tells you. She says it’s her biggest fear and then laughs as though it’s merely a joke. Behind her veneer of flirtation and confidence there is a woman who is so deeply afraid and you gather that she knows. You don’t talk about it, or who Kai is. It would ruin something, you think, and even Kai feels it.

One day, he tells you, you two will be really happy, I promise. I’m not gonna get in the way of you guys gettin’ there. Then he pauses, never one for physical affection he succumbs to the urge to hug you. I love you both and I’m sorry.

As it turns out, even without the conversation, Faith runs.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Lucy is nonchalant about it. Sid is a little less. A kid! As far as he’s concerned, it’s great news. He hugs her first hard and tight and she has to pry him away. Then he hugs you, with just as much force. He laughs loud and he holds you close. It’s great, he says this over and over again as though he’s trying to convince himself of it. Lucy isn’t very talkative, you think she gets her need of privacy from you. Sid is louder than normal, forcing out a friendliness that’s uncharacteristic even for him.

This means we make it out okay, he says, it also means we’ve got somethin’ special to be fightin’ for–not just an idea. But what does it mean for you two? You’re friends, naturally, but a child? Sid seems unconcerned with speaking of the logistics here. Tactfully, he avoids the topic altogether and tries his best to act unchanged with the knowledge.

It’s weird, Lucy tells you, seeing you both like this. When you quirk your brow at her, she elaborates. Unhappy, I mean.

Sid is at his ship, your knife pressed to his throat. it’s strange, ain’t it? He says, arms thrown up in the air, you’d think knowing it’ll all be okay would make this a lot easier, wouldn’t it?

It’s just funny! Lucy groans in frustration, you denying her a mug of ale, you two are supposed to be like gross and– she presses the tips of her fingers together, stammering through poorly attempted kissing noises. –but it’s nothing like that!

You run your hand over where Sid’s blood has burnt through the steel of your blade. Fate is wrong, Sid told you once, a lifetime ago, destiny’s never set in stone–life’d be too easy if it were.

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Juno and Bora ambush you in the words, snickering behind hand-crafted fox masks. Yoon regales you with an old tale about two trickster spirits, Juno can’t keep herself from jumping in and finishing the story–which spurs Bora hitting her sister behind her head, which then results in Juno retaliating and what once felt like a threat against your life has dissolved into childish bickering between two siblings. Needless to say, they’re bad at keeping secrets.

You know what this means, you let Yoon’s suggestive joke drift through the air. The Fey population is dwindling.

But it all feels like a joke, perhaps because Yoon takes nothing with seriousness. His children are amused by his apathy for only so long, before they turn to you, finding that your pessimism is equally as unamusing.

The world’s a lot less sad in the future, Juno tries to tell you, Colette and Theo and I collect frogs from the lake behind the castle and then ‘Dosia gets really mad ‘cause Theo puts them in her bag but you an’ Dad always laugh! Not at ‘Dosia, ‘cause that would be mean, but when we tell you about our day you get like— she mimics a smile, you shoot her a look of confusion.

Forget it, Bora interjects, no one ever tells us what it was like during the war, it’s like everyone’s trying to…

Hide it in ‘Dosia’s bag!

…Metaphorically.

Yeah, duh, not really, ‘cause that’s where the frogs go.

They tell you stories of the future, of their friends and the school you will help to build. Yoon sits and listens to them one day, his face unreadable. There is a conversation to be had, you and Yoon are due for a lot of those. In lieu of one he takes you to that lake behind the castle—which is not a lake at all but a Rot-stained swamp. He presses his palm against the corrupted trunk of a nearby tree, letting it burn through his skin, blood tricking down the bark. Imagine a child playing here and tell me it doesn’t sound like a lie.

You have a hard time telling him any different.

[stressed-slug]

Dear Younger Self,

Where to begin? It’s been a few years, and I’m different now than I was when I was you. I’m still scattered and I still talk too much, but I like to think I’ve grown a bit.

You’re 15 or 16, so you’re a sophomore in high school and your anxiety is the worst it’s ever been. I promise you, the therapy will help, and so will living through a couple more years. I know it feels like the end of the world inside your head, but (forgive the cliche) it’ll get better. Just keep using the things that work - repetitive patterns, reading, music - and stop actively working against yourself. You still have identity apart from neurodivergence, and although it will always be part of you, it doesn’t need to define your being.

You’re a sophomore in high school, which means that you’ve just started theater tech this year. I know Our Town was boring as all hell, but it’s your one show on the board, so be excited while you can be. We’re spotlights from here on out. If you’re already doing Hair, remember that feeling of watching the beautiful chaos of a musical unfold. It’ll end up being your favorite show outside of senior year, and yeah, the second Saturday they filmed was definitely cursed. Blame the leads and the Scottish Play. Keep doing theater despite the curses though, because it’ll become your home at school. You thrive in the booth and the catwalks, and the people who join you are the friends worth keeping. Just wait until senior year - Godspell and Cabaret are the best shows you’ll do at O’Dowd. 

Just wait, though. You’re a techie through and through, but you’re a singer too. Aristos will be the 2020 theater family you miss from high school, and it’s good. It’s so, so good.

You’re a sophomore in high school, which means you’re stuck taking biology and it’s not the science you want to be doing. Don’t worry - Honors Chem comes next year, and AP Physics after that. It’ll be tough getting there - and AP Physics is NOT easy - but you’ll find your interests in astrophysics and quantum physics. Sign up for COSMOS at UCSC when you get the chance next year, because Cluster 4 will be the best family you could wish for. You’re not going to know what the hell you’re being taught for like a week and a half, but I promise all the stuff with the wave equation and the Schrodinger equation is just energy levels. You’ll have an idea of the concepts but not the math, and that’s okay. You’ll be trying to learn multivariable calculus before taking calc, that’s hard by definition and it’s allowed to be difficult. Go do the remote Physics in and Through Cosmology workshop with Lawrence Berkeley Lab after senior year, too. Again, half the stuff won’t make sense, but it’ll get you more into particle physics.

You’re a sophomore in high school, so you haven’t done a ton of thinking about college yet, but you’re going to take (or maybe you’ve already taken) that trip to New York and Boston for your birthday to see a Broadway show and also visit a bunch of colleges. It’s good, because that’s what made me realize I didn’t want to be on the East Coast for college, but honestly, I don’t know how you stagedoored Anastasia until nearly midnight but fell asleep during at least two college info sessions. I know there was a time difference, but please try.

Anyways.

You’re doing fine. Sophomore year is going to be fine, junior year is going to be fine, and senior year is going to be the best year of high school. College apps will be stressful, but you’ll pull through as long as you start early and stay focused. Remember where you felt happiest and don’t rely on where friends are applying and going to make choices. I know you love the ocean and the stars, so stay near them. UCSC will be so good during COSMOS that you won’t want to leave. Maybe there are some schools that were missed opportunities, but you’re in a good place - you’re home.

College won’t be easy. You’re a sophomore in high school, which means you have no idea what it will be like when COVID-19 hits. You’ll be riding the high of the beginning of your second semester of senior year - good classes, good friends, good shows for theater tech. It’s not going to be over quickly. You’re not going to get your 18th birthday or senior prom or your last opening night or high school graduation or move-in day or your first day of college the way you thought you would, but you’ll still have your classmates and friends online and you’ll have your family’s safety. 

Just lean into it. You know how to interact with people online, you’ve done it for years. Go to your class zooms, go to all those college info sessions, jump at chances like the LBL workshop and Aristos. Take chances in college, too - take summer classes, talk to the other new students, make friends. Stick to the things you love - reading, writing, singing, being near the ocean, looking at the stars. When fall semester rolls around, just keep doing things. You’ll have a full schedule, but you won’t have time to feel hollow because you’ll have so much filling your head. I promise, your classes are good, your new friends are great, and you’re still in contact with the people who matter from before college.

It’s going to be difficult, and you’ll need to get a handle on your study schedule and time management, but it’s not going to be bad. Push past the anxiety, push past the impostor syndrome, push past the isolation and just keep being. 2020′s a mess, but it’s going to be okay.

See you soon,

Julia

[kiss-my-freckle]

Keen vs. Bond

Liz’s feelings about Tom being a spy. 

This is sure to be a bit lengthy, as I’ll be weaving in and out of both deleted and on-screen scenes, and including random & not-so random images as I go.

Because body language is important.

Liz speaks to us in the pilot about her plans to rewrite the past by having kids of her own. Something I believe she was having second thoughts about before the helicopter even flew over her front steps. Given Red didn't know Owen Mallory's story, I'd say Liz came to the decision not to adopt on her own. Because kids shouldn't be used to rewrite the past just as much as they shouldn't be used to smile for a couple's Christmas card.

"I’m board certified in forensic psychology, and yet I operate under the delusion that I can rewrite my past by having kids of my own."

I wouldn't so much consider Liz's rewriting her past through Agnes as much as she's trying to give her a life different than her own. With little to no memory of her own past, Liz takes video footage of Agnes in their safehouse, of Baz waving a big smiling hello. A bit of memory that her daughter will one day be able to see for herself, a memory that won't be hidden in her subconscious because it was blocked.

"If I go through with this, you will be my only link to my past. I lost Sam. I lost my mother. And I’ll lose Kirk. And whatever you want to call him, he was married to my mother. He raised me as a child. And he’s willing to do what you are not- tell me about who I am."

Just as much, Liz plans to give her daughter what she didn't have. Growing up as an adopted child, not knowing the truth of her parents. She wants to give Agnes a family, moreso- two parents who love one another. So Liz pushes for a shotgun wedding, hoping to be married before Agnes is born. Though she wants it done fast, she wants it done right, and in her mind- this is right.

"I am attempting to build a life with the father of my child. A normal life with two parents who love one another. With everything you know about me, can’t you see that? Can’t you see how important that is to me? To my child?"

Liz also wants a normal life for her and Agnes, something spoken of often in this show, but more notably in The Djinn. Because having your mother killing a spy in your own kitchen while you're asleep upstairs isn't what anyone would consider normal.

"It’s been the same thing for as long as I can remember. I’m walking in a park with my husband. In between us is our little girl. I’m holding her hand in mine... and I never let go."

I'm just gonna jump ahead to season three, since that's where it really starts for this particular post. Even better, let's start with the fact that Liz fell in love with Tom Keen, a man that never even existed, as Red stated in The Pavlovich Brothers and Liz stated in Lord Baltimore.

Liz: He’s gone. My husband is gone. Red: Your husband never existed.

Attorney: The judge signed it. May be of little solace, but he granted your application for the annulment. As far as the District of Columbia is concerned, you were never married to Thomas Keen. It’s none of my business, but I noticed you’re keeping his name. Liz: My husband - was an impostor, a fake. Keen was never his name.

Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond, and Tom knows this. Looking at his proposal in Mr. Gregory Devry, and his choice to look for a teaching job in The Vehm was a huge indicator. Tom was trying to become the man that Liz did fall in love with. 

Tom: I got to check out the campus in uh, Boston, so I’ll clean this up before I go. Liz:  Okay. A teacher? Tom: There was a lot about our old life that I really liked, including you.

Before their wedding, he spoke of giving up the spy life, adding to this goal of his, to become the man that she fell in love with.

"Look, what I want you to know, is that it happened because I made it clear that I’m out. I’m done with those people and that life."

Always claiming to want that normal life, which Tom started speaking of back in Leonard Caul's episode. Again, adding to his goal of becoming the man Liz fell in love with, wanting that normal life just as Liz wants.  

Liz: I thought you’d be gone. Tom: That was the plan. Then I thought maybe if I stayed, I’d have a shot at a normal life.

Liz never did fall in love with Tom Bond, but I believe she expected Tom to change, to give up that life because he fed her his desire to do that throughout the show. And so... I feel she was looking forward to actually having Tom Keen in her life without that other part of him- the Tom Bond who tore her open.  

His little spiel in Natalie Luca-

Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are. I guess... I’m just scared. Tom: Of what? Liz: I’m not gonna love that person. Tom: Do you love me? Liz: Yes. Tom: Then you love that person. Because that’s who I am.

So after having sold her the fantasy that she’d be in a relationship with Tom Keen without the Tom Bond- as he claimed he’d give up “that life” many times, he's basically telling her that if she loves him, then she loves Tom Bond because that's who he is. Tom has gotta be kidding with this bullshit. It could pertain to any bit of who a person is, whether they be a spy or a serial killer, or a racist for that matter. If one claims it's a part of who they are and you're supposed to love that side of them because you love them... that's ignorant thinking. This was a closet-spy she didn’t fall in love with, who sold her the idea that he’d change but never did, and is now telling her that she loves the spy he is if she loves him.

Nonsense. 

Liz fell in love with a 4th grade teacher, which Tom is not.

“They made me believe you were a monster.”

“Tom teaches 4th grade. He’s overworked and underpaid and still wakes up every morning with a smile on his face. You know why? Because he knows nothing of the terrible world you and I live in. End of story.”

"The Neo-Nazi? ‘Cause that doesn’t really do it for me."

"I prefer the bookish teacher."

"When was this? When you were a skinhead? One of Berlin’s thugs? ‘Cause I’m guessing it wasn’t an elementary-school teacher."

I'm cracking up laughing at how people have interpreted the deleted scenes, so I'm gonna get to them now as I move along. I'll be adding that deleted scene I put to gif from season three while I'm at it.  And it's not just the deleted scenes, but the "warnings" Red gave Liz, both in season three and season four.  Even to some of the dialogue out of Liz's own mouth. Because every bit of it weaves through everything I've mentioned above. Specific to Red's warnings in Drexel, before the wedding in Mr. Solomon, as well as what he said in Natalie Luca. As I've said many times, Red is not and will not be wrong about Tom. When they hand you this much crap in deleted scenes as they do on-screen scenes, you gotta know what's coming.

From Drexel-

Liz: Don’t you get it? The only reason Tom did what he did is because he had to do something desperate to get away from this. Red: You made yourself clear this morning, Elizabeth. You can blame me if you like. Liz: Damn right, I blame you. If he dies... Red: If he dies, it’s because he put himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. He did this, not me. And that robbery the police want to ask him about- diamonds. He was part of a team that stole tens of millions of dollars’ worth of diamonds. A team I hear included his ex-girlfriend Gina Zanetakos. He’s reckless, dangerous. He’s not worthy of being your husband, and he sure as hell is not worthy of raising that child.

Here, Liz tried to blame Red for Tom's situation. If he dies, it's Red's fault for Tom attempting to get away from him. Similar to her blaming Red in Natalie Luca. Because apparently, everything is Red's fault. So, to that deleted scene in season three-

"But, you're an adult, so make your own choices."

From Mr. Solomon-

Red: No, Lizzy. I’m here to ask you, to implore you, please, don’t do this. I’m telling you, no matter what you believe, Tom is not the man you think he is. Liz: You’re wrong. You don’t know him. Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

And I'm cracking up laughing at this one. So apparently, Tom is no longer a criminal- even though he just committed a major diamond heist a couple episodes prior, and had the cops at his hospital bed, hoping to put him behind bars after his release.

The Forecaster-

"This is exactly where they belong."

Coming from the same woman who said, "They’re not just passports. You put them in a box under the floor in our home. They represent everything I’m trying to forget."

"David… Lucas, and… Kaya. I used to be scared of those guys. Not anymore."

Coming from the same woman who had a nightmare about her own husband choking her to death in The Courier.

From Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole. There must be dozens of contract operatives just like him. Why him? Red: Tom is very good at what he does. It defines him. He can no sooner choose to stop than a great white shark can choose to stop swimming and eating. He will do what he does.

Again, Liz blaming Red. But as I've said, he's right about Tom. The man is a spy, and I don't need to put the many scenes in here that feed it, since he admits it to Liz himself- how much he needs to be a spy. What's more interesting, is Liz's dialogue here, so I'll be coming back to this bit.

Liz: How’d it go? Tom: Honestly, it was great. I was thinking about what you said, about why I needed that. Truth is, I still don’t know. But what I do know, is that this family’s the most important thing in my life. I don’t wanna lose it. Liz: We just arrested a woman who would’ve done anything to stay with the person she loved, but she lost him anyway. Tom: I’m not going anywhere. Liz: That’s not what I meant. From the beginning, we’ve been fighting secrets and agendas and psychotic homicidal killers coming between us. And for the first time, we’re together, and we’ve got no one to fight. But it still feels- Tom: Like we’re coming apart? Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are.

Yeah, it's coming apart because Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond. 

Deleted scene from season three-

Tom: I can do this! Red: Do what? Complete this mission and come back alive? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Or do you mean- Complete this mission alive, come back and raise your daughter as if you're a real parent? Her only parent. Because that, I know you can't do.

My interpretation of this scene is simple. Red is flat out insulting Tom, telling him he's not a real parent, that he's no Sam Milhoan. He can't complete this mission alive, come back and raise his daughter as if he's a real parent because... well... the spy life defines him. Once he finishes one job, he goes out looking for another. It's what he does.

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

My interpretation for this one. Red speaks of it not mattering in his case because his daughter was being raised by Sam Milhoan. He didn't have to worry about Liz because he trusted the man raising her. But for Tom, it's different. Red isn't ignorant to his feelings of him, so he tells him that if he's gone, he'll be watching Agnes.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: So, you work with him, but I can't? Liz: It isn't the same, and you know it. Tom: No, I don't know that. Liz: The work I do with Reddington is... legal. It's part of my job at the FBI. What he's asking you to do is against the law. Tom: Liz, he's asking me to find a criminal, alright? He asks you to find criminals all the time. Liz: If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take? Tom: Liz, I love our daughter. And I love you. But this is what I do. And I'm good at it, and I love that too. Besides, you're the only adult I've spoken to in the past two weeks.... besides the Diaper Genie, and he's kind of stiff. Liz: It isn't funny. Tom: I can sing "Wheels on the Bus" backwards. Okay? The driver goes "Move on back." The people go up and down. The babies go "Wah, wah, wah." And it's just... it's not good for anybody's mental health. Liz, I need to do this. And I'm asking you to respect that.

Here, Tom speaks as if he needs the spy life in order to have a real life, in order to spend time with adults other than the Diaper Genie. As if normal grown adults don't hang out with other normal grown adults. Apparently, one has to be out committing criminal acts or playing spy in order to have conversations with other grown adults. And I'm laughing at this idea people have that the only issue Liz has with Tom being a spy, is in the legalities of it. If it were that simple, then she could simply talk to Cooper about using him as a CI like Red is, but she doesn't because that's only part of it. But I'll get back to the legalities of this once I hit the next scene. And Tom, lmao... he's telling a clinical psychologist what's bad for one's mental health, as if she doesn't know about this herself. But what a fun time Tom is having trying to manipulate Liz into agreeing and accepting his spy life.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: The truth is... it felt good. I felt... useful again. Liz: You don't think you're useful? To our family? To our daughter? Tom: I thought we were gonna get away. From Reddington, from all of this, and we.... we didn't. And that's fine, but... now we're living in this world where there's room for Mr. Mom, but not for me. Liz: That's not fair. Tom: Maybe not, but it's how I feel.

This scene bothers me. Truth is, if being a spy is part of who he is, then it wouldn't matter if Red is in their lives or not. Had they made it in Cuba without issue, he'd be a spy in Cuba right now. Sure, Tom is pissed that they never got away from Red, but he's fine with it now because it gives him an excuse. So yeah.. he's pushing this... "you work with him, so I should be able to work with him" crap. Tom can't stand being near the life without being in it. It's like a drug addict trying to go clean while being surrounded by drug addicts who aren't. Oh, look... he’s walking away from her as he did back in season one, when she changed her mind about the adoption. Tom’s response when he doesn’t get the response he wants. 

And even more to this scene, since it adds to the legalities of the previous one.

"Against the law" means it's a criminal act. "Going to jail" happens when one commits a criminal act. This is what Tom wants to do for Red, what he's begging Liz to respect. Here, Tom is committing a criminal act. Again, pointing to the truth Red gave Liz before the wedding, since viewers are a lot like Liz- they have a hard time accepting truth. 

Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

Red proving himself right about Tom over and over and over in deleted scene and on-screen.  

Back to Liz’s Djinn fantasy-

In season three, we had Tom pulling a diamond heist that almost got him killed, and would've put him in prison had it not been for Red.

Again, Red’s dialogue from the deleted scene-

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

Again, Liz's dialogue from the deleted scene-

"What he's asking you to do is against the law." "If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take?"

Tom felt the risk worth taking, as he went on his mission for Red in Natalie Luca. Tom got arrested for assaulting a drug dealer in the season four deleted scene.

Again, Liz’s own dialogue in Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole.

....where she’s basically saying it herself... that the spy life isn’t normal. 

Liz is at that point where she's realizing the truth of her relationship with Tom, of this "normal life" she believed she was going to have with him. In order to give Agnes two parents that love one another, she has to accept Tom being a spy. But to accept Tom being a spy, she has to accept the fact that she won't have her Djinn fantasy. As I've said before, she's sacrificing her Djinn fantasy because she can't have both. She can't have Tom Bond and that normal life. Not that having Tom Bond is going to give her that normal life anyway. She wants Agnes to grow up with two parents that love one another, and if she were to accept Tom's spy life, she'd be accepting the fact that Agnes' father could end up dead or in prison. So she wouldn’t just be sacrificing her own Djinn fantasy, she’d also be sacrificing the normal life she wanted for Agnes to grow up in... far different than her own. 

That’s truth.