#AND YALL JUST GLOSSED OVER THAT??? INSANE

[enemui]

New Teamfight Tactics video proving Mel Medarda could literally solve all problems on her own and people still wouldn't appreciate her

[asbestos-boy-68]

if you hate mephone after ii15 you don’t understand his character correctly ❤️🤗

[mvmnbnv]

Seeing people compare what ambessa did in distancing herself from Mel to what Cait did to vi is wild...how do yall come to the conclusion she's distancing herself from vi because she doesn't want her hurt? Vi keeps getting in the way and has been compared to the very same person caits trying to kill by her personally. How does that translate to her wanting to keep vi at a distance because of "her love for her". And if that's what they were trying to do they fucked it up with all the insane remarks about zaunites and vi directly. Not even being able to muster a single image about vi when she supposedly sees her. Not a single mention of how much she cares about her. Just she didn't wear a badge (which jayce also thought was nuts). The amount of ignoring the stuff she's said and glossing over it in an attempt to have vi find this happy ending with someone who's attitudes toward less fortunate people have been shown to be God awful when they aren't helpless little victims anymore is insane. And no it can't be compared to ambessa in the slightest.

[sleepyistinky]

Love love LOVEEE all the Peter Parker (tom Holland) and Miles Morales Spider-Man batfam crossover fics i love them so much don't get me wrong yall.

BUT I feel like we're just glossing over the glorious idea of them joining Young Justice. lIke HELLOOOO TEENAGER??? QUOTE ON QUOTE "META TEENAGER"??? obviously they should be in Young Justice. I only recently really got into DCU and pretty much know nothing about the lore all the different timelines confuse me but I just know I love Spider-Man batfam AND CONNER KENT. YOUNG JUSTICE THE SHOW CONNER KENT. I was introduced to Kon-El in a very bad way so I'm sure he's a silly and great guy but I'm wary of him now 💔

Anyway hear me out y'all. Conner Kent and Spider-Man friendship. I just think they both would hit it off. LIKE THINK ABOUT IT. I KNOW CONNER ALREADY HAS ROBIN AND SHIT (both Nightwing Robin and Tim Drake Robin I think I'm only on season one of Young Justice) BUT I THINK HE AND PETER PARKER (TOM HOLLAND'S PETER PARKER SPECIFICALLY) WOULD BE GREAT TOGETHER. I also think Peter would like think Superman was the coolest thing ever at first, find out about how Superman initially reacted to Conner, and have some light beef with him. He's definitely not the type to put someone on a pedestal just because they're like insanely invincible bc at the end of the day even though Clark isn't human he was raised by them and therefore is human.

Peter meets Conner and is like oh hell yeah new friend.

And EVEN BETTER THOUGHT Peter and Tim are both huge nerds and immediately hit it off as well. I just want all of them to be friends okay. ACTUALLY ISN'T LIKE YOUNG JUSTICE'S UNIVERSE'S TECHNOLOGY KINDA WAY OUTDATED COMPARED TO PETER'S UNIVERSE'S??? I think he'd have an aneurysm but then work on making this world's technology better as much as he can.

Batman sees Peter (probably homeless after getting transported to a whole ass other multiverse) trying to steal the high-tech parts from his batmobile with the guiltiest and most apologetic expression ever (he's really not that sorry because he's assuming Batman's real identity is some insanely rich guy) and is like "This is oddly familiar. Anyway, new kid!"

Peter sees Bruce Wayne and the only though is "Holy shit this world has a playboy billionaire philanthropist too!"

Also Peter would immediately clock that this isn't his universe btw

Also Jason would see Peter and think Oh man who is this scrawny kid that is clearly not from Gotham he's so malnourished and scrawny oh man this kid is going to get killed I need to prevent that. As would the rest of the BatFamily

[khali-pap]

Wei other malaysian dont forget lah ni what the Yamato Japanese do to us 😭😭😭😭 kenapa aku nampak flag rising sun!?!??!?!??? Kat kerata orang WEIIII??????? ???????

Also general reminder for people in general hey research about Japanese imperialism and what the Japanese did to Korean and Chinese AND SOUTH EAST ASIA i feel like South east asia mesti forgotten in this conversation too, and what Yamato Japanese do against the indigenous Ryukyuan people cuz like wei I see american being super rude to chinese people who offended at imperialistic depiction and people on general mindlessly walking over the very weird anti indigenous sentiments very popular in japanese media or media depicting japan

Since japanese media and inspiration so popular its insanely crucial people understand the history or at least the base dynamics of japan and other countries like china, korea, and the whole of south east asia cause yawlah yall just gloss over propoganda and the fashion of colonial violence so easily 😭😭😭its fr scary

Especially when people take chinese trends and call it japanese WEI WHY ARE YOU DOING THE COLONIZING FOR THEM 💔💔💔💔💔 and people outside generally demeaning and making light of these horrible things when its referenced or outright named in media like heyyy....

[weirdcat1213]

ok i have an oreo on one hand and a shark plushie on the other, lets do this

trimax volume 8 (pls dont hurt me)

thoughts

BUT BEFORE THAT, ACTUAL QUESTION: how are the 1st timers holding up? yall doing good?

ok now long post is here

chap 1:

-oh that title page its SO FUCKING GOOD

-MY BOI HES HERE

-oh hes not....doing it by choice.....oh

-legato looking like a pizza pocket is the comedy relief we all need tbh

-GET HIS ASS VASH GET HIS ASSSSS

-oh my geesus i heard that, i felt that shit

-"they abuse us" and here you are knives...doing the same shit

-OH THANK GOD YOURE HERE

-could you look less happy while doing this shit knives? pls?

-something something divine punishment from the skies, something something yeah ofc not anyone can do that shit

-oh hey why is he with them i actually forgot

-aw :3 i wonder who taught him to not shoot to kill :3

-also pls leave him alone hes not just a killer pls youre hurting my feelings-

-:c

-STOP VASH DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT HOLY SHIT

-rem mention :c

-knives can you stop being right for a second, thanks

-the arm...wow

-OH YES ITS THIS MOMENT YES

-i dont remember what the other translation said but "that was the day we both lost our minds"....yeah im gonna sit with this one for a bit and cry cuz its true, they did

-oh yeah i didnt get this the 1st time lets try again :D

-ohhhhh....oh shit

-i hate siding with knives on this chapter but i cant help it. i also love the idea of being even

-also he looks so fucking cool while being evil, cool points for you knives

-"invasion" and it ends with him looking at the stars/nightsky? brilliant

chap 2:

-STOP BEING RIGHT KNIVES

-ALSO STOP DISTRACTING ME FROM WOLFWOOD TIME

-ah yes, the classic, sweetest, full of angst potential "i will remind of you of your home and how you dont belong there anymore" card, good to see you here

-oh god i forgot about this part, geesus

-ah crap i love this tho, gives you time to actually take in everything that knives is causing. its so easy to gloss over it with some quick panels but to actually take the time...i love it

-ok ik they get absorbed by knives but the idea of them flying away and being free (for a bit) is so pretty, im happy for them

-...geesus christ

-YES MY GIRLSSSSSSSSS :D

-it makes you wonder what they did to stay alive actually, like you never think of that stuff ig

chap 3:

-wait they didnt know???? hold up....yeah ig that makes sense but...hmmm

-YEAH YOU TELL THEM LUIDA >:D

-:c

-ALSO interesting how the borders didnt go black to represent a flashback, so maybe it wants to show how present is that memory in luida's mind. wow

-"maybe hes been waiting for us to come and help him" aaaand thats enough to make me tear up, im the weakest bitch on the planet let me tell you

-YES SEE LUIDA GETS IT

-GET WRECKED BY THE EXISTENCE OF GOOD PEOPLE ASSHOLE

-OH MAN HES BREAKING

-COOL ASS PANEL ALSO

-oh shit so he hit some plants oh shit oh damn

-AH SHIT

-omg she looks so epic while killing people <3

-THERE HE IS HERE WE GO YES GO GET YOUR HUSBAND

-oh look its the man in the tin can lmao

chap 4:

-KILL HIM WOLFWOOD KILL HIM

-HALF A YEAR???? damn i always forget, this is still going at the speed of light tho

-aw no :c my baby :c

-then again i like that you can see that even if it was just half a year (literally nothing for vash) it still caused him pain and suffering, 10/10

-GEESUS BRO HE JUST GOT FREE

-oh shit oh shit no

-im not really sure how he escaped legato but im glad :D also vash is longgggg i lvoe it :3

-well thats just depressing livio

-pls leave livio

-KILL HIM KILL HIMMMM

-ok but vash being basically a ragdoll rn while wolfwood is fighting and bleeding breaks my heart let me tell you

-wolfwood shut the hell up ok? shut up, i dont wanna hear it

-oh im going insane :) i hate wolfwood so much rn (his crime was to say sad things)

-OH IT WAS HERE I ACTUALLY FORGOT THIS WAS THE MOMENT AWWW HOLY SHIT MY BOY

-YES SAVE YOUR HUSBAND

-"youre not lost wolfwood" wolfwood saying all that shit outloud and IK FOR A FACT vash's heart almost broke ik it i feel it

-baby dont apologize :c

-............................................................ :c

-ah fuck hes here

-WAIT HOLY SHIT THAT LIKE SHADOW OF LIGHT???? AMAZING???

-oh oh im sick to my little stomach i fear oh geesus my boy, my baby, im so happy that wolfwood is all you need but also im so sad you dont have anything else, do i make sense?

-threatening you brother and begging him to not sacrifice himself in the same breath...knives the plant that you are

-woooooooooooooooooooooooooow i love that shit, hes so little...

-PLS GOD LET THIS BE IN STAMPEDE PLS PLS I WANT A SCENE WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SKY SO BAD PLSSSS

-im not entirely sure what is happening but damn thats nasty

-NO DONT FUCKING SAY THAT

chap 5:

-LMAO HIS FACE XD

-welp...this is terrible

-nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :c

-oh righttttt, i forgot about that plan, so thats why people called him chapel

-oh that panel with livio thats fucking brutal geesus nightow. like the old livio seems so pure and far away while the current livio is so violent and present

-my god he looks like shit

-MARLONNNNNNNNNNNNN :D

-oh meryl my girl :'3 omg shes the best

-im so depressed rn :D

-idc if hes rotting, sadly the man looks majestic af

-ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh ok

-NO DONT LEAVE PLS DONT FUCKING LEAVE PLS NO STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY STAY

OH SHIT THIS IS FREE BIRD OH SHIT OH NO HELP HELPPPPPPPPPPPP

free bird time ig:

-freeeee biiiiird yeaah tururururururu

-wdym congratulations cmon man

-oh honey......

-awww :c

-oh wow now im DEPRESSED :D

-ugh that fucking face

-hes so cool sometimes >:D

-aw you made her cry :c

-"tired of filling a space in other peoples lives"....hmmmm

-aw :c

I hate whats coming i fucking swear.

[seasnailfish]

some wafer headcannons because i need to feed my wafer brainworms

he bakes to relieve stress, since i also headcannon that he's got anger issues and all he decided that maybe baking would help since he has a genuine interest towards making pastries. nowadays he bakes because it became his hobby, his favorite dessert to make is tarts and cookies (like the ones seen in toy takeover)

he sees bunny as his son/daughter while hayes.... heh let's just say..... gay gay homosexual gay....

i don't know if i wanna share this but he likes to wear dresses, especially the ones with lace. actually half of my wafer doodles are mostly him wearing a dress or something, i just like seeing him wear dresses ^_^

although he seems easily irritated, stubborn and has an rbf, he's actually pretty nice to be around with.

bunny easily annoys and teases him a lot but as time passes wafer doesn't seem to mind

hayes likes wafers presence and feels super comfortable around him, even his crows feel comfortable around him too which makes wafer a bit uneasy since the only crow that's allowed to be near him is hayes WHO SAID THAT???

whenever halloween ends he barges through hayes' door and puts his hands on his hips and says “halloween over!!!”

he likes making hot chocolate to the suprise of nobody

if he was an animal crossing villager he'd probably have the classic set

since we're in the topic of animal crossing, he'd probably be a snooty villager, i think he would be a deer

his favorite cake is chocolate mousse

everytime i see a clothing that has lace i immediately think of wafer, im sorry yall he genuinely looks like he would wear lacy clothes or maybe frilly stuff idk

actually maybe he would like ribbons or bows too. guys im going insane just over the thought of him wearing ribbons like it actually fits him

he's sometimes bedridden, another headcannon is that his back hurts so bad he has to lay in bed for who knows how long. ofc hayes and bunny are there to help him 😁

he hates summer even though he has the freedom of wearing sundresses and tank tops

he's genderfluid and bisexual (british and bisxual?? damn pick a struggle) (im kidding he isn't british)

uses he/she/fae pronouns

he tried growing out his hair just for fun once

whenever he's lazy to get his hair cut he just ties it into a ponytail

he likes putting on makeup for fun but ho doesn't do it that often anymore, it's a pain removing it at night especially if he's not in the mood for it

he likes putting on lip gloss though, one of his favorite makeup products (i feel like im projecting at this point lmao)

he still likes making snowmen because he likes men I MEAN UMM... WHO SAID THAT

if hayes is a crow and bunny is a bunny then wafer is most likely a deer

he has reading glasses that are colored red

he has eaten 10 chocolate croissants in under a minute

he hates mistletoes

ok ummm yeah that's it goodnight the wafer worms are satisfied (i might add more in the future)

[covenists]

✦ EYE CATCHING, O. PIASTRI

is when everybody is distracted with the news of lewis moving to ferrari, oscar on the other hand, is busying himself with his girlfriend and their own world.

fc: laura harrier

.

TWITTER AFTER FEBRUARY 1ST ANNOUNCEMENT:

MEANWHILE OSCAR ON INSTAGRAM:

oscarpiastri added a photo to their story! 3h

landonorris replied to your story!

landonorris: wow look at you boyfriend

landonorris: yeah right keep doing this and act idgaf like usual

seen

yourusername 📍 Rome, Italy

liked by oscarpiastri, and 1,240,751 others

yourusername daaaaateeee niiighttttt 🌝🍝

view all 66,821 comments

username She's dating w me guys sorry

username dinner with zendaya when?

username but well isn't she looks so eye catching??

username NOOOOOOOOO

username oscar might be the one who's taking this and i will say that i have prepared my tissues

zendaya I think my lesson for him worked out very well 😌

   ⤷ oscarpiastri Very well...

username that lip gloss is looking so damn good!

username i mean, do yall see his ig story?? he might turned into my standard in men if he's keeping that supportive bf behavior up.

username idk if i want to be her or him

oscarpiastri 📍 Rome, Italy

liked by mclaren, and 982,570 others

oscarpiastri Hello everybody!! Don't forget to follow me at ＠yourusername 😙😙

P.S. Love from Italy, Love yaaa💗💗

view all 37,610 comments

username remind me further about brorarri's active era while carlos is taking over charles's phone

   ⤷ username Alright grandma let's get you to bed

username when will we have something like this ever again

username This one never going to happen twice

username so when f1twt is full with the chaos of lewis moving, they just chilling and having a trip to rome😭

landonorris i'm a little heartbroken that you're letting her hacked your phone, and not me😮‍💨

   ⤷ oscarpiastri I asked her to hack my phone, actually

   ⤷ landonorris WHAT

openeast + 2 Others

liked by oscarpiastri, and 569,327 others

openeast ＠lailahasanovic & ＠yourusername is taking you with them to explore the coast with Open East Australia and Spain! Click the link in our bio to explore more about their adventures!

view all 26,894 comments

username Mick and Oscar is living their best fucking lives rn

username they're looking so good together like this, I can't wait for more

username guess which one's in australia and which one is in spain (very hard question)

username don't you love it when wags is just...

username open east gave us everything like literally

username the video is such a dream, i mean adventuring with him is sooo

username mick and oscar's comments are gna be like: 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

username i used to pray for situation like this

yourusername added a photo to their story! 18h

lilymhe replied to your story!

lilymhe: Oh my god, did you just...

yourusername: 😉

lilymhe: That is so naughty, even for you, Y/n.

lilymhe: But I can tell that was really such an Oscar-like behavior

yourusername: see, what did i tell you

seen

yourusername

liked by cindywolfie, and 673,891 others

yourusername hey look at you, pretty boy

view all 19,807 comments

username GOD WHEEEEENNNNNNN

username never beating the face of the polite cat allegations

tayrussell I love how lovesick you can be sometimes and that is just so cuuteeee

username oh yeah that polo is killing me

   ⤷ username THIS IS SO CONTRAST FROM HER STORY 💀

   ⤷ username her story: yas morning intimacy, her new post: call him your daddy

   ⤷ username stop whys so accurate

username i'm in love with the both of them it's insane how i want to be them rn

username PRETTY BOY I'M GOING TO CRY

username when she's posting about him, but he said "shh bbg i'll post about u more"

   ⤷ username My brain is not reaching to the point where he's gonna say babygirl

oscarpiastri added a photo to their story! 21m

TWITTER AFTER OSCAR'S STORY:

yourusername

👤: ＠oscarpiastri liked by sza, and 1,967,548 others

yourusername illuminated by the italian sun

view all 52,170 comments

oscarpiastri The prettiest woman to ever exist 💗💗

   ⤷ username oscar i was not familiar with your games

   ⤷ username he's a man written by taylor swift i suppose

   ⤷ username AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH

   ⤷ username i need to drown myself in a well

username "the prettiest woman to ever exist" I'M GONNA FUCKING WEEP ALL NIGHT

username i think she succeed to bring out people eyes on to her

charlottesiine 🥹

sza He's the right man, sis.

username another day another that should be me

laufey Italian sun really do good to you

franciscac.gomes That top is so adorable

   ⤷ username ＠oscarpiastri i know, he's cute right?

   ⤷ franciscac.gomes Wrong top, sorry

username i love his effort in taking every pictures of her, and in think that he should open a jpg account

⤷ landonorris NO DON'T YOU DARE GIVE THEM ANY INSPIRATION

oscarpiastri added a photo to their story! 17m

caption: Looks like we've got a new family member after Houdini.

[papirouge]

Not trying to be mean but I fall understanding what's the point of your first paragraph. Like, yeah we should help women to get away from toxic relationship??? Still, staying into a relationship bc of sex coercion is the worst reason to stay in a relationship. "contraceptives are necessary because otherwise men will leave women" is not an acceptable argument for it gives credentials to rape culture.

I'm all for minimizing chances of pregnancy by promoting abstinence and no sex before marriage. Funnily enough, people always make fun of us and how none of that is "realistic" but when we ask them why they rehash the average coomer tier talking points : sex is a need, it helps couples bonding (as if bonding through sex couldn't be done under the context of marriage🙄).

I don't think sexually promiscuous "deserve" anything. Just that they stop killing an innocent human being because of their own lifestyle/choices. You guys need to stop acting like someone telling you to not kill a baby is a punishment. It's just basic logic ; don't kill someone else because lf your own actions.

Hormonal birth control present plentiful of health issue and I'm sick of people glossing over them to fit their pro contraceptives narrative and bc they'd rather have women ruin their health to be sexually available to men. Guess what? I am anemic (there's a genetic condition runing in my family) and I adamantly refuse to take any form of birth control because I value my health. Women actually got long lasting fertility issue bc of hormonal birth control : comparing it to wearing polyester is INSANE. your reproductive system is much more complex than wearing a fabric on your skin....

Birth control is NOT a medication. It wasn't made to FIX health issues. Fertility is not a flaw or a disease. Do not conflate opportunistic usage with actual health prescription. My pathologically anemic sister didn't got prescribed BIRTH CONTROL to fix her anemia. And I'm pretty sure cervical cancer patient arent prescribed pills in their anti cancer treatment. Enough with this nonsense.

Hysterectomies represent terrible life lasting effets messing up the whole hormonal system, and it's insane to see you put it out like an harmless procedure. That's the actual opposite. I need yall to stop acting like mutilating entire parts of your body was no biggie because it's not. You don't remove your ovarian system like you remove wisdom teeth ffs

And some women are definitely obsessed with abortion. There's a whole scene of abortion art, "i love divorce and I love abortion" viral posts, etc. If abortion was a difficult choice, those women wouldn't make a joke out of it.

You call yourself a feminist but anti contraceptives? Make it make sense . I’m not relying on Gwinneth Paltrow woo woo with a sub 70% success rate and zero protection against stds when there multiple actually reliable options I can double and triple up on to have the best chance of not ending up knocked up. And as your pro life why are you encouraging more unwanted pregnancies and the inevitable abortions that follow by telling women to throw out the methods that are actually under their control and instead rely on “scrotes” sitting in a warm spot to avoid conception , an idea so mind bendingly dumb which it belongs in the hall of fame next to “ you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up” . Wearing fleece undies doesn’t make you sterile ffs

Where did I ever state I was a feminist?

And no offense, but the only mind-bendingly dumb people are those having sex while complaining about the very thing that sex was made for : procreation. Unwanted pregnancy don't happen out of a vacuum. Having sex is the only thing making them happening - not pro lifers' opinion. The only one encouraging unwanted pregnancy are those glossing over individuals' responsibility of engaging in sex, and freaking out whenever abstinence is brought up as a relevant birth control (when it's the only 100% reliable birth control) Also, this idea that people were entitled to sex without its biological consequence is a rootless ideology that too many of you consider as an acquired taste for every one. It's not.

[temarisnara]

for the meme: naruto, sakura, sasuke, kakashi

THANK YOU!!!!!!! 

naruto

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang  hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (i haven’t actually thought too much about these so i’m going with my gut here but dicey and i were talking tonight about the generational difference between naruto and jiraiya when it comes to loyalty. jiraiya grew up in a time of war and is a solider, he was trained to be loyal to the village. if it came down to it, he’d kill even tsunade if she betrayed the village. naruto is loyal to people. if sakura betrayed the village, he would never give up on her, just like he never gave up on sasuke. naruto wants to protect the village because the village is where the people he loves live. naruto’s entire narrative arc is about bonds so i’m pretty sure he’s a hufflepuff) best quality: god i just wrote a fucking essay above about it- his loyalty and bonds to other people. everyone he meets is now his friend whether they like it or not ! he was just such a lonely kid, desperate for attention, for love, for acknowledgement, anything at all. and it would’ve been so easy for him to sit in that, to let himself hate the village, to resent them- but he didn’t. he set out to prove them wrong and he did. he is so, so, so fucking good. worst quality: HIS TASTE IN MEN. okay like, on the real, it’s not his fault and boruto isn’t real but it’s such UTTER BULLSHIT that the entire fucking series he met these people who got fucked over by the village status quo and he promised them he was going to change it when he became hokage and he fucking didn’t. its BULLSHIT. it’s not his fault, that’s not him, but GOD i’m MAD. ship them with: SAKURA, sasuke, gaara, shikamaru, sai, kiba, hinata.   brotp them with: SAKURA- in fact all of the above list. he has great dynamics with them. also, kakashi, iruka, jiraiya, tsunade, choji, i like to imagine his and ino’s dynamic as fucking hilarious when they’re older. oh and i want him and karin to be annoying cousins together like PLEASE i DESERVE THIS. needs to stay away from: STOP SHIPPING HIM WITH KAKASHI!!!!!!!! ENOUGH!!!!! GO TO JAIL!!!!!!!!! misc. thoughts: that’s my fucking BABY i’ve shed SO MANY TEARS over this blonde idiot. he’s so good. 

sakura

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (again, havent thought about it before now, but my gut SCREAMs gryffindor. she’s so...punchy, and head strong, and hard working. just like. all the gryffindor traits!) best quality: sakura’s character development lives rent free in my head. like. okay. sakura always had potential. she ranked high in her classes, she had better chakra control than naruto or sasuke, mastered things quicker than them, was observant and book smart. but physically and emotionally, she was weak! she could not hold her own in battle the way naruto or sasuke could, and often her fear got in the way, if not straight up controlled her. when naruto and sasuke fought, she could do nothing but beg them to stop. when sasuke left the village, he easily knocked her out. and sakura knew she was the weak link of team 7. so she resolved to get stronger. she sought out tsunade and trained with her for four years. and like, tsunade is an insane person. sakura would break her bones and tsunade would have her keep training and just heal them later. she mastered healing. she mastered chakra control. she developed fucking superhuman strength. she refused to be the weak link anymore, to just sit back helplessly while naruto and sasuke fought. she’s from a civilian family, she has NOTHING in terms of innate ninja abilities like literally everyone else in her class, but she became the strongest female ninja of her generation and surpassed her legendary sannin mentor through sheer hard work and determination. FUCK. she’s so cool.  worst quality: again, this is NOT HER FAULT, it’s bad sexist writing, but sakura is such a fun and obnoxious character who matches naruto beat for beat, but when sasuke comes around she’s a shell of herself. even when she’s MARRIED TO HIM she doesn’t act like herself. she’s reverted back to that inflatuated 12 year old she’s long outgrown! bro, WHAT!  ship them with: NARUTO AND INO. and. ok. listen. i’ve become soft for sasuke/sakura’s potential. if sakura got to be herself with sasuke, they’d be, at the very least, FUN. and sasuke/naruto/sakura is so fun. also rock lee is so sweet, i would not have been mad if they’d been endgame. brotp them with: NARUTO AND INO. kakashi, tsunade, hinata, rock lee.  needs to stay away from: STOP!!! SHIPPING!!! KAKASHI!!! WITH!!! HIS!!! STUDENTS!!!!!!! misc. thoughts: i knew i would love sakura. look at her. she has pink hair and she punches things. 10/10. but she quickly, quickly became not just my favorite naruto character, but one of my favorite characters in all of shounen anime. the ball was dropped with her, multiple times, but she’s still such a dynamic fucking character with the best character development. 

sasuke

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life | there aren’t words to describe how i feel about him  hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (sasuke is...hard. i think the argument for gryffindor could also be made, but i’m leaning towards slytherin) best quality: i’m so tired. the thing about sasuke is....he deserved so much better than he got. i can’t tell you what his best quality is because his entire character arc is him being self destructive. he’s not fucking well!!!! the good parts of him he either tries to snuff out, or the story glosses over them to show how far he’s fallen. I think, the one good quality that refused to die, is his protectiveness. Him protecting Naruto in the Zabuza arc was such a pivotal moment for him, for his and Naruto’s relationship, for Team 7, for the story. It was the moment where everything changed. He was so desperate to protect Naruto from Itachi, he was super protective of Sakura in the forest of death, and even in Shippuden, he’s protective of team Taka, and unfortunately the moment I finally  broke and said fuck it, I love Sasuke, is when he protected Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi from the infinite tsukiyomi.  worst quality: his extremism lmao like. god. again, dicey and i have talked about this, how characters who challenge the status quo are portrayed as ~crazy~ and extremists so yet again, its BAD WRITING but also PROPAGANDA! god. but like, i’m sorry, fuck the village but he wanted to go after people who were not involved in what happened to Itachi. I understand his anger, but I wish the narrative had treated it and him with respect rather than throwing a fucking dart at a board to decide what Sasuke’s character arc was going to be about this week! ship them with: naruto, suigetsu, juugo, and again, lowkey sakura. brotp them with: naruto, sakura, kakashi, team taka, itachi needs to stay away from: STOP SHIPPING HIM WITH HIS TEACHER AND BROTHER. YALL.  misc. thoughts: i’m so fucking tired. what was kishimoto trying to do with him! i don’t understand! sasuke was right! he was fully right to hate the village, to demand change. why did kishimoto have the  village repeatedly doing heinous, evil things, validating sasuke’s resentment, but sasuke was portrayed as being in the wrong. ALSO, the ENTIRE. FUCKING. POINT. of naruto is  bonds, and how important friendship and love is, and sasuke’s entire GODDAMN NARRATIVE is about him breaking those bonds to become stronger, and destroying himself in the process, and everyone he loves telling him this isn’t the right path, and FINALLY he accepts it- and then in boruto he’s JUST. ALONE? HE HASNT MET HIS DAUGHTER IN 12 YEARS WHEN FAMILY WAS SO IMPORTANT TO HIM???? I HATE IT. I HATE IT. THIS IS SO BAD. SASUKE DESERVED BETTER.

kakashi

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (i want to say ravenclaw and make team 7 representation of all the houses but that man is a gryffindor through and through) best quality: honestly kakashi is a lot of good things but he’s not a character i look at and go “oh i love him because he’s _____”. i love him because he’s a character who has suffered so, so much, who has depression and ptsd and truthfully he just wants to fucking die so fucking bad to the point obito has to tell him “fucking no, stay and live”, but he never gives up. he might be 3 hours late because he couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed, but he still got out of bed eventually and showed up. so, actually, i guess that’s his best quality. he keeps going. worst quality:  so like. how did he end up a teacher. i’m just wondering. LISTEN, HE LOVES HIS KIDS SO MUCH. but he is NOT well suited to teaching, he does not fucking like kids, sasuke and naruto are TRAUMATIZED and he’s just like “hm. when’s the new book of icha icha paradise coming out?” BROOOOOOOOOOOOOO ship them with: GAI IS HIS LEGAL HUSBAND AND SOULMATE. obito is his ex-boyfriend who he’ll always love an idolized version of.  brotp them with: naruto, sakura, sasuke, yamato, rin, asuma, kurenai.  needs to stay away from: [screeching] STOP! SHIPPING! HIM! WITH! CHILDREN! YOU’RE! GOING!  TO! JAIL! also i fucking hate kakashi/iruka THEY NEVER TALK?????????? WHY IS IT SO POPULAR??????  misc. thoughts: it’s fucking unfortunate how much he got to me. i knew i wouldn’t dislike him but he ended up being one of my favorite characters and i’m so mad. my reputation of hating fan favorites is on the line here!

[papirouge]

"You didn't address the verse I quoted"

I did. I talked about all the verses you pulled out and explained how they didn't back up physical violence. And Ecclesiastes 3 is spiritual warfare - not murder.

However YOU glossed over the verses I showed up explicitly condemning violence and went hM nUaNcEd pErSpeCtiVe.

"Natural liberty"?? "civil rights"? really? 💀 Do you think Christians around the world live under the same "civil" laws?? What's even "natural liberty"? Nonsense. None of that are biblical concepts.

The time of war ≠ physical violence. Ever heard of the spiritual weapons of Ephesians ? Spiritual WARFARE? That Jesus is metaphorically represented as a sword? The sword of Spirit ? Physical violence is NOT a prerogative for Christians. The GOD OF ISRAEL slaughtering people doesn't mean WE, Christians (not Israelites) are entitled to do the same. We are NOT God.

Name me one (1) apostle who used violence to make their way and got God's approval. One.

Your "nuanced perspective" is just a cope to avoid discussing all those verse contradicting your stance. Defending violence is not compatible with the WHOLE message of Christ.

It's fascinating how you manipulatively only focus on PART of the story to make a point. Yeah Jesus let his men go armed....and scolded the one who actually used his weapon, and went as far as to HEAL the very same person he harmed. What's not clicking? Jesus let them go armed to make his point: publicly rebuking violence. If you grasped the message of the Bible you'd understand that God let humans keep up with their sins to a breaking point to convey His message. That doesn't mean God condone the sin(s) that happened throughout this conclusion.

Whipping isn't remotely the same as killing someone and you know it. It's not even said that Jesus even physically beat the merchants. It's lowkey insane how the Bible stated Jesus overturned tables & seats and yall went "ah yes, it totally backs up my entitlement to kill other humans😇"... Demonic.

Besides, Jesus didn't do that to protect himself but rather kept God holiness free for the merchants of the temple. Jesus even stated he could have killed all the people that came to arrest him (sending a whole legion of angels) and he didn't. ASK YOURSELF WHY.

The fact that the perfect innocent perfect son of God stuck to obey God by refusing to use retaliation violence.....and you, think you can actually override this commandment is hysterical.

Again: the Bible doesn't contradict itself. You cannot defend violence all the while acknowledging that the Bible is anti violence. And no, they cannot coexist simultaneously.

So don't try to UNO reverse me about bad theology when your whole post is a literal definition of it, and act like I didn't read the entire Bible. I did.

That's why I know you're wrong.

fascinating that beside American evangelicals, Christians worldwide DO NOT push for a reinforcement of gun culture :)

It's almost...as if your were so brainwashed by your secular violent culture that you were desperately trying to shoehorn it into 'biblicalness', when violence has literally NO PART in Christianism

Jesus NEVER defended himself - same for the Apostles.

Killing someone else for whatever reason is not a Christian prerogative - never will.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

12:10pm, Happy Valentines Day of 2020.

I had a dream that was too surreal to explain, but the scariest part of it was not when a woman in the Target threw a ball too poorly and ended up flinging herself over the railing and dying facedown on the Target concrete floors, but it was when I went to a rival Target, in-dream, and got chased by what looked like a platypus with goose legs and no arms.

I was fucking TERRIFIED.

Also, they apparently had it amongst other ducks and animals born without arms, as apart of their "featherless biped" 50% off sale. Those poor animals.

Nigga was RUNNING AT ME THOUGH.

Anyway.

What's up, yall?

I kind of did something big the other night. My friends are happy, and it feels like I got a 130 pound weight off my chest. I know they're okay, but, eh..... I just didn't want to keep feeling like things would ever develop into more. Sure, they went from one way to another, but, it doesnt really mean anything..... I don't know. I wrote him a letter, and gave him it at midnight the other night. Giving someone a three page letter, explaining you dont love them right as the clock strikes twelve for Valentines Day, is a little upsetting, (and unintentionally amusing?,) in its own sense. He knows I like our past too much to hate him, but not enough to be stuck in it. When I reached home, he sent me a text...... I don't wanna relay it. It wasnt mean, but, just.........

Odd, maybe?

I have a date later tonight. The good thing about being somewhat poly, is that even if I have to tell a man that I no longer can be in his life and cry in front of my house later that night about it, someone completely different is willing to buy me a dress, art supplies, and the fancy dinner I had always wanted.

I forgot to ask for my book back.

I may have to give it time before I try to get it back. Since it was a good one, and I would give his back.........

If I think about this too much, it'll be JUST like the christmas gift situation, and i do not want to have a verbal scuffle with a 21 year old man about whether or not it's unfair to ask for a book back in a book trade, when the other person is cutting you out their life, and when you never started it........

I need to stop thinking about it.

I felt guilty.

The way he looked at me when he opened the door. He's prone to mske Jim Carrey level weird expressions. So, one cannot describe his, "hey???? why???? my porch,, AT MIDNIGHT???? arr u insane????", face he did through thr glass of his door.

I kinda paused from the dramatic tension of giving him my letter, to say, "Oh, god, is your chin okay or is that just some cotton?" He had a really big piece of cotton strung acrosd his chin stubble. It looked like a cut/dead skin, but it was just cotton fuzz. We kinda laughed about it. Laughing with someone you're trying to cut off is not making leaving them any easier.

The way he kinda accepted the letter. I don't know what he thought it was. I get it, "cute girl shows up to your house at unreasonable hour to kiss you and give you a letter", one would assume it was a love letter.

It was not. Sure, mentions of it were in there, but nothing too big.

OKAY MAYBE SOME WERE BIG, BUT I DO NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL CHILLNESS RIGHT NOW TO CALMLY REITERATE THE PARAGRAPH I WROTE.

Ew. I don't like feeling this way.

I just kinda remember leaving off his porch, and he yelled, "Well, I'll see ya later!"

And I was conflicted, since saying "you too!", would haunt me forever.

But saying "no you wont" would be a dick move, you know?

Which just lead to me stuttering, and him being a bit chuffed by it.

Whatever.

I doubt he even knew what was going on.

But that was the plan, right? If he knew, he would've asked me to stay. Or, I would've faced a crushing rejection myself. I've had too many of those.

12:50pm.

I'm chill. In a few hours, I get to be dolled up, driven into the city.

But what's a way to get dolled up? I already wear shiny earrings and lip gloss all the time. The only upgrade I can think of is eyeliner and lipstick, or something.

What's the phrase, in the least cocky way possible?

"How do you already go up from greatness?"

Aye.

Anyway, life goes on. I did what was right for me.

Since if I never gave him the letter, I would've just been in bed all day, waiting from 9am to 5pm to see if he wanted to meet, just for..... what? Sex?

It would've been depressing.

If what I'd ideally want from a person like him is either total space, or yknow, the typical me showing up with a trenchcoat surprise, eating candy and promptly fucking his brains out....

Or the more classic, "i get dressed up, he gets dressed up, and we go on a romantic ass date".

Then, if my only options are:

Write him a letter and leave.

Settle for CVS candy and eat it alone.

Get CVS candy, not even a kind you would like, and sure, you get some great orgasms, but you're still seen as a sex object by the person you liked more.

.....

My decision worked.

I felt better, waking up this morning.

I didn't wake up thinking, "Is he out of therapy? Can we hang out yet? Will he be okay with me there, as his parents are there?", and having the 50/50 chance of rejection, where one potential means disappointing and unaffectionate sex with a beautiful man, oooooooor..... depression!

1:11pm.

Steve Harvey is ranting about how women should do better, and not let a man put you on "layaway"; doing the bare minimum and walking away, and letting you be "on hold" until he decides he doesnt want you anymore.

Good answer, Steve. :)

I'll push it out of my head.

The only reason he texted me when I got home that he was sad to see me go, is that he was SAD, not changing his mind over me, or whatever.

The only reason he texted me that he "kinda regrets rejecting the kiss", (long story,) is since he would miss my lips, and want one last inch of satisfaction, and not me.

The only reason he texted me about "loving the smooch on the page at the end", (done for the aesthetic,) is since it was aesthetically pleasing.

To put it simply; I don't want him anymore.

Not at my own expense.

If I want a man who can show me he cares for me, then I better go after that.

What good comes from dating a man who would have to be begged for the bare minimum?

I deserve more than that. And any person who cant recognize that, or do right by me, should not be the one to cry when the dust is settled and I'm no longer standing in their presence.

Fuck that shit, dawg.

Anyways.

Time to figure out what im doing for the day.

I dooo need a pedicure; oddly enough, Patrick ended up recommending I go to a nail salon in my area, instead of taking pricey uber rides all the way out to other places out there.

And not sure what else to do.

Organize my room? Yeah.

Overall, I wanna have better for myself.

Today is a step in the right direction, I just gotta get up and actually live it.

Thats all.

Peace out.

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU

Nani the heck is this? Read here!

Chapter 20: What’s the Tea Sis?

It’s the day of the interview and our class was very excited to dress up like we were going to the Gala or some shit. I get visibly giddy and everyone outside the program notices.

“Iida-kun she’s in a good mood!” Kirishima nudges him in the locker rooms after in class training “you should ask her for that coffee date after finals before she gets busy.”

“I’ll ask her when we get to the dorms” Iida buttons up his shirt “she might be pretending again and she’s really stressed and bothered by something we did.”

“How do you know that’s what she does?” Mineta asks suspiciously.

“Because I always catch her when I think she’s a good mood to talk about things and she’s on the verge of going off on us.”

“Oof yea wait until then” responded Sero.

The rest of my day went uneventful and I teleported to my dorm the minute school let out for the day. I took my shower and finished before everyone came back from school. Right on the dot, Mimi and Jin portal in my room at 4pm with their outfits get coordinated. I get to flat ironing Mimi’s hair as Jin brushed Muffin 2.0′s fur, I do a dewy look on Mimi to make her eyes pop. I put my hair in a slicked back high sock bun and do a gold eye with glitter gloss, just to make things simple. Once the outfits were put on and we saw each other in the mirror together, we gasped on how much CEO realness we were serving.

“Ladies, shall we sashay out of this building to give these hero wannabes the full fantasy?” Jin got the leash that we put on the robo dog.

“Yes gawd! I wanna serve looks tonight~” I tongue popped like I was a drag queen.

We walk out, radiating power to whoever saw us.

“Oh Palma-san! What opulence you display” Aoyama came up to us as he grabbed my hand and Mimi’s “you ladies are what my dreams are made of” he kisses our hands “And you good sir are one lucky man to prance with these shining beauties!~”

Mimi gives me side eye “You aren’t kidding when you say some of them just throw themselves onto you when dressed up.” She takes out her sliver gun and points it to Aoyama “un-hand us croissant muncher, we got places to go.”

He immediately takes his hands away and backs up, all the boys were cackling at Mimi’s comment. Iida comes up to us and gives me the once over “In all seriousness, where are you 3 going?”

“Mission, top secret” Jin was lying through his teeth but we played along “If successful, we’ll come back richer. If we lose, we might not be coming back at all.”

“Yes, so I guess this is my good bye everyone” I try not to laugh “just in case we slip up.”

We quickly run through the portal Jin deployed so nobody had time to stop us. We laugh at my car as we waited on our other classmates to come out. On the way there, we pass by were I was housed and were Jin was housed. The location was just where the business district begins, not too far into town. We gathered in the parking lot and heading in just in time to give our presentations. There was panel of 3 people, 2 men and one woman in their late 40′s, dressed in executive like clothing. One of the men was clearly an ex-agent, the way he carried himself and the holsters on his waist were branded with a crest that I couldn’t recognize. We started with our term 1 projects, to nobody’s surprise, the robot dog took the interest of the panel. Next was a slide-show presentation of our year in pictures and all of us had a turn talking, the woman spoke up when we talked about Zippy.

“Waitwaitwaitwait! You, as a class, adopted this creature and TRAINED it to hold a gun?” she was having trouble putting it into words “and then you committed FRAUD to the agent board of education to let them give the lizard the test, passing him as a student and he received a license upon passing?!”

“Erm yes” Jin spoke up “but to be fair to the board of education that was present at the licensing exam, they didn’t check the roster nor looked up the student ID we gave them, it wasn’t in our school system and it was just ‘69′ 5 times on a faked school ID card.”

“Wow, a group 9 teens and a lizard outsmarting the board of education” said the other man to the ex-agent “impressive ain’t it? Remind you of old times?”

“Heh, those old geezers don’t know how to run shit” said the ex-agent, remising on his past “ok sorry for the derailment, please continue.”

We continued our presentation and they asked us a few more questions about our living space and off-campus trips. Some questions on our pro-hero practice exam came up and how was our experience with that.

“With your donation” I led into the closing statements “we’d have a better living space and more off-campus trips, despite the villain threat.”

“All we ask are those things” Hansai wrapped things up.

The panel thinks for a bit and talk amongst themselves like they aren’t sure if we are worthy candidates, the ex-agent turned to us for a final question.

“Not that it’ll matter, but how did you get here tonight?”

“Oh we took 3 carpools to get here” I spoke up “the school denied us a bus or limo because it wasn’t in the budget.”

The woman gave us a concerned look “How dare they deny basics! I’d had it with these pompous hero schools trying to suppress their agents!” she stood up and copied herself into 9 copies of herself “congratulations UA Intel A-class, you are our next donation recipients.” She came up to us and shook our hands, I took a peek at her appearance. She was a private agent, the ring she wore was stamped with the Emperor’s Coup crest, one of the highest ranked agencies that work closely with the country’s intelligence. Not to mention, she had a vine tattoo that crept up her right arm, don’t know what that means but it was a nice piece. We stayed a bit longer to thank them before heading back to the cars to debrief. 

“Ok kids, let me say, I’m proud of you for swaying them to giving us the money” Diya sensei started “but I want all of you to get your butts to bed! It’s nearing 8pm and I’m not going to play games with you tomorrow morning. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir” we said weakly, Jin raised his hand.

“Yes Matsui?”

“Can we get McDonalds? Under the condition that we pay for our own stuff and drive thru only?”

Diya thinks about it “If you give those conditions, then I don’t see why not.”

We cheer and Jin gets cocky as we pile in the cars to get to the nearest McDonalds, he plays Lip Gloss by Lil Mama on the way. We get our food and get so excited to go eat our food knowing we deserve it. I park and see my classmates off to their dorms, I teleport to the commons room, it’s empty and quiet. I don’t think much of it and I walk over to my room. I turn on my light and see Iida on my bed, tear stained like he was crying for hours.

“Oh my god!” I put my stuff down and run to him “What happened? Are you ok?” I put my hand on his face to check his vitals, he was alright but I was still concerned.

“You’re back! I was so afraid you weren’t coming back!” he held me “please, please take me with you on your missions. I don’t think I can live with myself if you got hurt or worse.”

I was confused at first and then I remembered that Jin lied to them, I was about to continue on the lie “Thank you for your concern but I’m fine! It was a success and nobody got hurt” I wiped his tears with my thumb “no more tears, come on big guy.” I levitated him up from my bed and to his room “I have some debriefing to do before bed and it’s way past your bedtime!” I plop him down on his bed and turn to leave.

“Wait! Ita” I turn to see him and he’s sitting up on his bed “I need to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

His mind blanked the moment I said that, we stood in silence as he turned red “Umm that I am so grateful that you’re alive and well!” he rushed his words “and I would love to spend this cold season with you.”

“I don’t know what all that means but um thanks?” I really didn’t know why he said any of that “well good night Tenya, sweet dreams.”

He waved good bye to me and screamed into his pillow because he messed up his wording. He meant to say ‘I’m glad you’re safe and let’s spend the winter season together after finals.’ “Why am I like this?” he spoke into the pillow “one look and my mind goes blank like I don’t have motor functions.” 

Next few days were my insanity days with studying and training for the crackheads. All us intel kids were really holding it together to take our 200 question multiple choice final on Tuesday. It would’ve been fine but it was just so much to take in one sitting, I finished in an hour and 24 minutes, you bet I floated my ass to the ceiling to weep to myself for comfort. Everyone else finished before lunch but I still had to go to hero class, I was too mentally exhausted to teleport so I walked. As I calmed myself to go to class, I run into the Big 3.

“Ah Palma-san!” Nejire waved me down “its been too long!”

“hahaha yea! It’s like I’ve been avoiding yall” I was uncomfortable but trying to be polite “are you 3 ready to graduate?”

“Ye-yea, we can’t wait to get out there in the workforce” Amajiki seemed a little more confident.

“Yes! And I would like to extend the invitation to attend our graduation” Mirio bowed as he handed me an envelope with my name on it “and also to my graduation party, since I know you like parties.”

“Oh thank you, I’ll be there!” I got giddy “see you then! I gotta get to class.” I waved them off as I briskly walked to class to flex on my classmates that I got personally invited to the graduation ceremony. But then I hear another voice call out my name.

“Palma-san! Hey over here!” it was Kendo and she looked worried.

“Oh? Hi Kendo-san, how are you doing today?”

“I’m feeling a little stressed but alright, thanks for asking” she shifts from a small smile to worried again “hey I heard about you cutting off Monoma, and I don’t blame you, thats not why I approached you.”

“Hmm, is he getting worse?” 

“Yea, he just isn’t motivated like he used to” she exhaled “the exam is tomorrow and he has one shoddy technique to show for all that time you spent with him, I just want to apologize for all that wasted time and his bad attitude.”

“No need to apologize, I knew what I was getting myself into” I sighed “if he wants to come back to technique developing with me, he’s more than welcome at any time but I already told him that he needs an attitude change if he wants to get far.”

“He didn’t mention that to me” she gave me a small smile “all he said that he liked you and wanted to win you over by improving before the next term starts.”

“Heh I don’t believe that liking me part” I laughed “but I’m looking forward to him improving.” I look at the time “oh jeez, gotta run Kendo! See you around, good luck tomorrow!”

She waved me off as I ran to class, and just in time too. I spend the class time with the final session of training and I really pushed it a bit to my ability and almost fucked myself up. But then I got fucked over because Mina wasn’t aware of her surroundings and almost got rekt by Bakugo’s blast wave, I used my teleportation to get her to safety but completely exhausted my mental capacity. 

“Oh my gosh Palma-san!” screamed Mina as I was face down on the ground “please please wake up! I’m sorry I was being a dumb bitch and you sacrificed yourself!” She was bawling as she shook my limp body.

“Binch I’m conscious, stop shaking me!” I groaned “flip me over tho.” She flips me over and I gasped for air “oof there’s rocks in my bra and ass bruh.”

Everyone stops and gathers around me, Aizawa breaks them up and kneels at me “Are you good Miss Palma? You were about to tap out before that tackle.”

“Nah nah I’m good” I wasn’t okay but I’m no bitch “lemme just get up.” I didn’t move as I tried to levitate up “Okaaay, let try the old fashioned way, hup!” I tried to sit up and could barely lift my head, I sighed in defeat “oh dear, I may have exhausted myself. How annoying!”

“Aww fuck sorry Palma” Bakugo apologized “here let me take you to the nurse.” he picks me up with some struggle. Iida runs up to us.

“No please allow me Bakugo I can-”

“Fuck off four eyes” he snapped “just because you like to baby her doesn’t mean you’re the only one that should help her.”

“Just hand her to me! You’re struggling to carry her” Iida wasn’t playing games, he took her from his arms. They started to fight over her on who was take her to the nurse.

“Um guys?” Midoriya started as he saw me slip into unconsciousness.

“STOP SHE’S SLIPPING INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS!” Aizawa yelled as he activated his erasure for safety. “I’m going to take her to the nurse, class is over.”

I wake up in the nurse’s office and Recovery Girl was relieved “Oh good you woke up, you really pushed yourself Miss Palma.”

“I did?” I sat up and now I could actually move my body.

“Yes, I did a scan and your body was exhausted but your brain waves are strained and weakened.” She showed me a graph of the waves “here, it’s pretty close to unstable levels, I’m prescribing 5 days no quirk using.”

“Alright, I can deal with that” I sighed “at least it’s not going to get in the way of anything now that school is letting out.” I get released in time to go to Stats and Strats. I take the final and we were allowed to leave when we finished. Jin and I finish at around the same time and he portals me to my room to go into deep sleep. I change out of my uniform and go to sleep right away. I woke up close to 7pm, fuck I missed dinner I thought as my stomach growled I guess I’ll fuck off and eat yogurt and berries. I walk out to the kitchen and see the lights are dimmed and there was a plate of food on the counter. I wasn’t sure if it was for me but then I saw the note with my name on it: For Palma-san, sorry for being dumb.

“Well at least they know they’re dumb” I said as I sat down to eat. Before I could bring my fork to my mouth, somebody flipped on the light to full brightness. “Ay! mis ojos!”

“Oh sorry Palma-san!” Iida apologized and dimmed the lights again “I didn’t know you woke up.”

“Yea I did” I rubbed my eyes “I’m so hungry and just want to sleep for a few days to heal myself.”

“I’m sorry that we’ve been so inconsiderate of your health” he sat next to me “but let me make it up to you” he put his hand on my hand “lets go to coffee after finals tomorrow, to take the edge off.”

“Oh I’d love to but I got invited to graduation and a graduation party” I said to not sound like I didn’t want to spend time with him “maybe next week? I’m not doing anything and I really want to spend time with you again.”

He perked up “Really? You like to spend time with me?”

“Yea! You’re a great at conversation and I love how you willingly go where I want to go” I don’t see his face but he’s blushing “In America, I never got to do what I wanted and others often didn’t want to talk to me more than they wanted to. But when we have our alone time, I get heard and cherished like I’ve always wanted to.” I look at him and he tenses up “you’re one of my only friends Tenya, I don’t know where I’d be without you. And not to sound like a shojo beat manga but, you’re one of few that I have that I consider my chosen family.”

“Chosen family?” he asked with curiosity “whats that?”

“Oh um it’s a group of people you trust and get along with more than your own family” I explained “in this case, I’m separated from mine so I find trust and comfort in you, my squadron and Midnight.”

“I see now, I feel honored that you have me in that circle” he hugged me “thank you for seeing me as such.”

“No thank you, for approaching me on that day” I nestled myself in his chest “also I don’t know if this is weird but you’ve been improving on your hugs” I tighten my hug “they’re much less soul crushing and more gentle and caring, like the ones my dad gives me when I’m too stressed to close my eyes. He would hold me like this until I fall asleep.”

I yawned and he saw how relaxed I got “I will keep that in mind when you can’t sleep.” He let me finish eating before I fell asleep on the counter. I went to bed again and was very excited to see what’s going to unfold.

-The next day, sitting in on the hero placement exam-

I sit behind safety glass to observe all the hero courses go at it to show their skills. I was the only student in the small audience, everyone else was a teacher or staff member.

“So this is the legend herself” a deep male voice said behind me “Miss Palma, American born, double wielder and the most patient young lady in the world.”

I turn and see Vlad sensei “Oh! hello, I don’t know about all that but yes, I am Miss Palma.”

“You’ve put in great work to help my students to be better strategists and develop techniques” he bowed to me “thank you for your generosity and I apologize on behalf of Monoma for being a stress on your time with him.”

“Oh its not a problem! He’s welcome to seek me out when he changes his mentality on respect.”

“Thats a reasonable compromise” the siren rings to warn the students to be at the starting gates “I hope this will change his mind about it.”

I tried not to root for any one or scream when they’re fucking up. I saw alot of my techniques out on that field and it was a bit strange for me. Not because it’s my techniques but its because they found it useful enough to keep it in their repertoire. It ended and they got the final results but they won’t know until after school, but I got the insider scoop and the one person thats going in A class is  Shinso. Aizawa and I got really excited since he sought us out for his training and it payed off. I meet up with the others when they dressed and I let them know I was in the audience. After lunch, I took my hero course final with Aizawa and it was not as bad as I thought. There was no Stats and Strats because graduation. I attended their graduation in the auditorium, it was really nice, way better than American high school graduation. I got to see the Big 3 in each program and what made them the Big 3. Afterwards when I went up to the graduates, I was given a uniform button from Mirio, Amajiki, Agent 420 and some girl in Mirio’s class that everyone called SeaWitch (she has an amphibious quirk). I didn’t know what it all meant but I was polite and said my thank yous. I drove back to the dorms to change for the party later.

“Oh you’re back!” Hagakure jumped up “how was it? did you get any buttons?”

“How did you know I got buttons?”

All the girls gasped and swarmed me “SHOW US THE BUTTONS!” they all chanted.

“Oh jeez it must be a huge deal” I show them the 4 buttons “I got one from Mirio, Amajiki, a 3rd year in intelligence and from that one girl in 3rd year that turns into a mermaid.”

“I can’t believe it! Four buttons!” Momo looked at me with envy “I’d be lucky to even get one!”

“Not to be a baka-gaijin” I got shy because I have no idea “but what’s so special about getting a button?”

“Oh thats right! You don’t know about these little gestures” Uraraka remembers that I wasn’t born here “when you get a button from a graduate, that means they’re confessing that they liked you and never got the chance to tell you. It’s almost like a last chance to tell them you like them and maybe you’ll start dating or be friends.”

“Oh I see” I look at the buttons on my hand and remembered their faces when they gave me the button “its gonna get super awkward at Mirio’s party because I’m going and so are all the people that gave me buttons.”

“Oh dear that sounds sooooo awful” Jiro said sarcastically “I hate it when all my love interests are all at the same party I am!”

“Jiro-chan! you don’t have to put it like that!” elbowed Mina.

I shrugged it off and I dressed to go to his party. Now, I was under the impression that it was a clean party and his parents are going to be there so I should wear something to cover my tattoos and it should be cute and simple. I drive to his place and arrive at around 7pm, a bit after what the invite said. I enter and its a house party, no parents in sight, booze chilled, music starting to pop BUT the guests aren’t really partaking in the booze.

“HEY YOU MADE IT!” it was Mirio coming at me at full speed.

I dodge his hug tackle “Yes I’ve arrived, glad to see that you have your pants on.” 

“Lil mama! Come here, I saved you a seat” it was agent 420 and he was patting his lap.

I wasn’t that into him but I also didn’t want to talk to Mirio all night. I walked over and he proceeded to confess. Not to really shit on his feelings but I softly let him down and he just accepted it like a champ. I didn’t really drink or had fun, the music was garbage but the food was great! It was 9pm, I was sober again and the party was basically dead. I went to the kitchen to see what type of cereal they had because I was that bored, couldn’t find the cereal but I saw in the kitchen window the things going on there. There was SeaWitch and her friends just sitting in a bunch of kiddie pools. I walk out there and asked if I could join them because I hated what was going on inside the house. They let me sit with them and I found out SeaWitch’s real name, Its Mary Kuna. She then confessed to me and I had to say that while I don’t feel the same, I support her in coming out via button to me. I chat with everyone in the kiddie pools and I hear my name being called out.

“Oh hey its Mirio-san and Han-san” Mary pointed out with a cup in her hand.

“So thats his last name” I said softly as I turn to see Mirio, agent 420 and Amajiki hiding behind Mirio “whats the haps fellas?”

“We were talking and we came to a conclusion” Mirio spoke with his arms crossed “you aren’t having fun and you haven’t been paying much attention to us after confessing but are having fun out here with the water dwellers.”

“So heres the deal lil mama” agent 420 leaned in “you gotta choose between us if you want to have some fun and we’ll make it worth while and if you want to leave you have to kiss one of us.”

I was disgusted by this display, they were playing against me to choose for my freedom. But I had a plan “So I have to choose somebody that confessed to me to stay and have fun or kiss them to leave?” I asked to the 3 boys for clarity.

“Yes that is correct” said Mirio very eagerly like I was going to choose him.

I turn to Mary “May I have this kiss? I’ve had fun with you and I feel very unsafe being pressured to choose between naked man, weed number and shy McGee.” She nods and we give a very light kiss and I stand up from the kiddie pool I was sitting in “Now that I made my decision, I’ll be taking my leave from one of the lamest parties I’ve been invited to.”

“Wait up, let me walk you to your car” Mary stood up and retract her scales and fins “I’d hate to see any of these boys following you and pressure you to do anything else.” She put her arm through mine and her friends also stood up to escort me. “If you 3 do so much as follow us outside, you’ll have to face the wrath of me and my friends. I don’t care how strong you are, you don’t pressure girls to kiss you if they want to leave. I hope you 3 never reproduce!”

I was floored by the power of those words and how it made the boys back off. When they took me to my car, I hugged all of them for coming to my aid. We exchanged social media handles and then I left. It was a bit past 10pm when I got to the dorms, everyone was in their rooms and didn’t notice when I got there. I changed out of my wet clothes and got into bed. The next day, I woke up at exactly 10am and I was pumped because it was finally winter break, christmas was a week away and school resumes a few days before the start of February. I come out of my room and straight to the kitchen and everyone greeted me and my brain cells weren’t clocked in to do their job.

“Good morning! FELLAS!” I spot the baguette on the counter “is it gay? to eat bread?!” I hit the hardest dab anyone has ever seen.  The girls were confused but the boys laughed but then got serious like they were pondering on my question.

“Wait! IS it gay to eat bread?” asked Sero as he looked at his plate “I mean it’s in the shape of a dick.”

“GUYS! with that logic” Mineta said with wide eyes “breadsticks, bread DICKS!” I wish I knew how to describe the room with the boys hollering that they confirmed that eating bread is gay and the girls now more confused than ever before. All the while I was just standing there and I wasn’t being serious. Bakugo and Kirishima come to the kitchen.

“Guys! do you think eating bread is gay?!” Kaminari asked the other two.

“What kind of- WHO SAID THAT SHIT?!” Bakugo yelled, ready to fight whoever said that.

“Woah woah woah there Bakugo!” Kirishima tried to level the situation “I firmly believe eating bread is gay on the account that you use your mouth to eat a dick shaped thing BUT I will never give up bread.”

I crept my way to the coffee maker because I did not want to get bashed for being on my dumb shit so early. Todoroki and Midoriya then enter. Same question asked, but this time Midoriya pondered the question and Todoroki went back to his room. Iida then came in and locked eyes with me but he was soon hit with the question.

“Iida-kun! Is it gay to eat bread?” Mineta spoke up.

“HOW IS IT HOMOSEXUAL TO EAT BREAD?!” he yelled and chopped furiously at that dumb shit.

“Palma-san brought it up and I need your opinion” Mineta retorted “are you pro-bread or not gay?”

“Wait- PALMA-SAN SAID THAT DUMB SHIT?!” Bakugo yelled as I was about to eat a piece of the baguette “do you have any idea the fuckery you just caused?!”

“To be fair” I put my bread down “I just asked the question, Mineta took it to the extreme with the bread politics. I don’t think bread is gay but if it was, I’m still going to eat it.”

Breakfast was calmer after that and I was sitting in the commons room to see the pictures of last night’s lame ass party. Iida came up to me “Hey um mind if I sit with you?”

“Hm? Oh sure go ahead.” I was distracted by the video of the mini fight that broke out after I left the party.

“How was the party?” he asked as he scanned my neck for any hickeys.

“Eh it was lame, Mirio tried to kiss me and it wasn’t fun because everyone doesn’t know how to have fun at one. I made a new friend and I came to the dorms at around 10 last night.”

“Wow it must’ve been lame if you came back so early” he tried to change the subject “so um now that you’re indefinitely free until school starts...do you want to plan some things with me?”

“You want to plan more than just that coffee?” I locked my phone and thought about it “what did you have in mind?”

His mind blanked, he didn’t think she’d pick up that he wanted to plan more things “Um like maybe spending Christmas with my family, going to the farmers market, going to a skating rink...”

“Woah slow down there Tenya” he was talking so quick I couldn’t pick up what he was saying “lets just set the day for the coffee!...how does Monday sound?”

“That sounds great! I guess we’ll talk more about other plans later.”

Before I could say anything, Midnight walks in “Oh Itati! Just the girl I was looking for” she was carrying a small box and a folder that I recognized as my official documents folder “I have a delivery and good news.”

“Thats great!” I jumped up “lets go to my room then.”

“Why can’t it be discussed out here?” asked Iida suspiciously.

“Don’t be nosey Tenya” scolded Midnight “you and your brother have a habit of being up in everyone’s personal business. And this is no exception, if you could please give us some privacy.”

“Sorry, but she’s right” I stood up “girl stuff, you wouldn’t understand.”

“I see” he didn’t understand what that meant “I’ll be going now.”

We go into my room and she hands me the package as she sits down “Ok so I got your feminine hygiene products and good news!”

“Alright, whats the news?”

“Since your program got the large donation, the whole intel dorm is going to be redone and will accommodate for all the incoming for A class. In addition, we’ve accelerated your switch over and you’ll be moving to the proper dorms on Feburary 7th, your birthday!”

My jaw dropped “Really?! Now I’m super excited!”

“Yes, now for the good but a bit boring news.” she takes out a few documents “heres a peek at your 2nd year schedule, as you can see there’s a lot of holes in it. You have options of taking up another non-general ed course, take up 2 free periods or do some under-study credit and assist Mic in the advanced english courses.”

I look over the schedule and I have homeroom, vehicles and mechanics, Math 2, Strategy and Communications and an empty space. “I see that I don’t come in for the hero course strategy and communications until 2nd term?”

“Oh since you took a 3rd year course this past school year and passed, you have a free pass for any other strategy based course work. That class is 1st term strategy and 2nd term hero to control center communications.”

“oh alright, then I can I do a combo of having that term 1 hole as my free period and the empty slot as understudy for Mic?”

“You got it” She took the document back to write my request “Alright that’s all for now, we’ll be releasing the official schedule the week before school starts. Stay warm and be safe Itati, you can call me anytime if you need anything.”

“Thank you Midnight” I hugged her “I’m so fortunate to have you as my adult reliance, I appreciate you.”

“Aww stop I’m going to cry” she said welling up with tears “it was the least I could do.”

She leaves and I get to putting away my products. I keep thinking about my move in and how things are going the way I want them to. It’s finally not a huge dumpster fire that I didn’t cause but have to deal with.

-End Chapter 20-

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[jaybyjeleen]

I just can't get over this look yall. @itsmyrayeraye really came thru with this Palette. You can use it year round low key lol. And the gloss?!? 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🙌🏾 Psh INSANE! 👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾 Brows : @ellarie @colourpopcosmetics Sessy+Yoshi ♡ Prep: @maybelline Baby Skin ♡ Eyes: @bhcosmetics @itsmyrayeraye (Brick+Cacao+Charmed+Ambitious+Cobalt) / @elfcosmetics Charcoal liquid Liner / @lorealmakeup Voluminous Primer Mascara / @Iylash 'Lilac ' Lashes ♡ Face: @fentybeauty Profilter Foundation 370 / @lagirlcosmetics Creamy & Medium Beige / @blackradiancebeauty Banana Powder /@milanicosmetics Make It Last Matte / @fentybeauty Poolside + 7daywknd ♡ Lips: @milanicosmetics Covet / @bhcosmetics RoseyRaye ♡ #jaybyjeleen #dreambiggohard #Positivevibes! https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv9qNqQFT6u/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1eb8m87yp1ejo

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.