#AND THE STUPIDEST PART IS I DIDNT EVEN FUCK LIKE AT LEAST IF I ACTUALLY HAD SEX I WOULD BE WINNING IN SOME WAY IN THIS SITUATION

[yo9urt]

everyone please send out a prayer for me

[ap-sadistics]

jung qvq [erqnpgrq] naq [erqnpgrq] ba yzxgjg qb? bgure guna or naablvat v zrna

ohhhhhh its funny really. "funny".

its technically more than two. i hate their entire friend group. its a bunch of bnfs (big name fans) on twitter. its absolutely certain you know at least one of them if youre in the fandom.

the thing im most irked about how they leverage their popularity for create a biased narrative against me. when i technically did no crime. i never even Spoke to the person. never interacted with them once. what i did. is vague them. for having the most wretchedly ooc characterizations for the sake of shipping a rare pair. and you see. i didnt have a problem with the ship itself. no! my issue. was that their characterization fucking SUCKED. i dont care if they called it "redemption" or "character development". it. was. out. of. character. straight. up. so i tweeted about this kid. i didnt mention their name. i mentioned the ship. and how i was sick of seeing it on twitter. i also i looked at their carrd and saw that this (this is a screencap of a screencap sooooo its old)

and i was you know what. im gonna do that. and that was the end of that

(i also was like was the hell does a kid have like 2000 followers that gives me fucking hives. bc lets be real. having a large social presence on the internet at that age when your a developing person is like. not ideal. im essentially antisocial and the idea of having that many ppl follow me for my stupid thoughts is fucking TERRIBLE. ive softblocked followers before to drive the number down. anyways i was thinking about it from that perspective. being conscious of numbers is Bad.)

flashforward a few hours and i noticed it wasnt the end of that. somehow the kid found my tweet and then supremely misinterpreted it and then sicced their followers/their friends onto my account. that tweet had a Large amount of pqrts (the stupid twitter culture thing where you essentially put on masks and stone the apparent criminal. and i was like. well this sure is a thing thats happening. and they def were twisting my words bc they screencapped my tweet and was bashing me about it. with absolutely 0 reading comprehension. well my course of action was to just go on private to cut off the engagement. what am i going to do? acknowledge what was happening with a tweet for them to twist and play the victim again? im not fucking stupid.

its really funny that after i privated i got 5 follow requests. THE STUPIDEST FUCKING IDIOTS I EVER SEEN. blocked immediately. it was really funny.

thats not the funniest thing that happened tho. you might think that *i* might be playing the victim and that what happened wasnt that big of a deal. it wasnt. but also it sucked still. anxiety causing. but anyways it wasnt just a the qrts. after i privated, one of them reported my account for suicide

this was the funniest fucking thing that happened to me. i was livid during this whole incident but this was the funniest fucking part of this ordeal. it was HYSTERICAL. for the record there was none of that kind of content on my account! this is the most mentally healthy ive been bc i wasnt in my old uni anymore. not that i ever even posted about the kind of stuff ever.

this is clearly a petty attempt at harassment right? because they couldnt stand having someone think they are annoying and that their ship sucks (i didnt before but i do think it does now bc this incident made me hate the ship actually. because im petty too! but at least im self aware about it.)

someone also sent a bad faith ask to my fucking art blog because they haaaaaad to chase me down to a different fucking platform to harass me more

and like. what happened to me only proved my point. that teens shouldnt have a large following. this teen definitely abused their power didnt they.

who do you think had the worse experience. me or them? whose the real victim here.

if you think im problematic for fucking saying i dont like a person in public without once mentioning a name? get fucked.

also this happened again. it happened a second time. bc i found out there was a l/m/k zine going on and i said im not joining it bc they were a part of it. once again unnamed. LIKE OBVIOUSLY? IM NOT GONNA JOIN? it wasnt like i was going to fucking make it explode. but people toooooooook issue. i dont get how they find the tweet so fast im convinced one or more of them or their lackeys is stalking me. i could be paranoid tho.

anyways bc this is a friend group, the kid is a friend of a certain somebody. a very well known somebody. and bc they fed all their biased retelling of the incident to this somebody. im blocked by a very funny account.

super inconvenient really

you see theres more to it than this incident tho. i have an issue with how these people engage with their follower base. but honestly its a product of the kind of social media platform that twitter is. they clearly value the number of followers they have and to say it doesnt go to their head would be a lie. theres other specifics tho thats old news. that im not willing to divulge to an anon. who are you and why are you asking about a tweet from 3 days ago anon. you have me fucking paranoid. im gonna trust the fact you used rot13. out of courtesy. but im wary.

you might be able to deduce who the pricks are from the things ive mentioned here. but im not gonna say who they are to an anon. i dont trust like that.

[novemberdevils]

I btw was in a pub abd there was this song that made me immediately think of those two stupid boys and the scene of me trying to Shazam it and it not working and having to ask the bartender was Something but anyways it’s apparently called something to feel by Dixon Dallas LIKE you grab me by the throat Nothing I can't handle, it's just a little choke HELLO?! This is jack coded.

And onto ROUND THREE!!! Suzuka my beloved and my beloathed for always making me soaking wet from the rain, buy anyways jack wanting to talk about what happens but is afraid be then it would mean that he was admitting to himself and another person that this has happened and it threw me off and im thinking about it a lot and I hate it, the way I laughed at this posting a couple captionless pictures on his Instagram story as proof of life. Because it’s the truest thing ever or it’s the grainiest pic as a way of proof of life, the max reference to nico’s instagram being over-professional I see you and I hate you, And it’s extra ridiculous, because Jack doesn’t even follow Nico on Instagram. I will imagine that they were following each other but something happened and jack unfollowed him on the plane back home-The funniest thing out of the lestappen Lore-.

I ADORE luke and jack’s relationship it’s so siblings coded but I LOVE how you captured it because it such a weird dynamic that all three have been racing but one ended up retiring, the other is in feeder series and the last is leading a championship; so yeah you killed again like how are you killing every little thing? Your mind is something else, ah the Ferrari challenges that makes everyone believe that they are besties who hang out every single hour is also here; at least it gave us some iconic memes so that is appreciated, do you also feel weird when fans act like the drivers are best friends or is it just me? Like sure they could be friendly but I don’t believe that they are best friends. 

Jack my love when you cannot stop thinking about a person you must feel something for him? -genuinely have never been in love so who am I to judge jack at least he is getting something-, the press conference couch is a beloved part of the week for me because you get the randomest pairings and the stupidest questions, also my hate for McLaren still stands because I Will Not Be Happy For Jamie-Oscar please get out of there so I can be happy when you win-, HE SAID THAT ‘CAUSE HE’S JACK HUGHES. Both of those idiots are embarrassing but on a different spectrum it’s amazing.

OMG NICO VISITING JACK!!! But he has the excuse of jack forgetting his cap so now we think if nico would have ever came and visited him if he didnt have something that clearly belonged to jack? I actually think not-I will go in detail when I reach ch3 wait for it because I Have Thoughts-, “I think someone should tell the media that you’re a cunt,” Nico says I genuinely forgot about this and I have choked on my tea while I was reading nico really have No Shame, nico is so fucking hot my god why is he this hot??? Nico raises an eyebrow, then smiles, huffs out a laugh. “Of course you did.” Like I myself do not need to be flirted with it’s only jack but he is so hot that I can blame jack for being a mess because I will be worse than him, NINNNNNIIIIIIICOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STOP BEING HOT!!!!!! Also stopping a bit from me being horny for nico, the difference between them one who cares way too much but the other not enough and both of them using that as a way to hurt the other is something to think about and overthink really, AND THEY KISSED AGAIN!!!!!! The whole kissing scene made me think about stuff that I fear if I said online me AND you would be arrested so lets just say that I put my hot tea down and opened my AC because it was getting too hot in my apartment. 

COULD JACK HUGHES REALLY BE FERRARI’S NEXT WORLD CHAMPION? Yes next question, oh the article made me a bit mad to this a bonus point for authenticity; ? BUT IT APPEARS HUGHES ONLY WON THE FIRST RACE OF THE SEASON BECAUSE THE RED BULL DRIVER PICKED UP DAMAGE EARLY ON, I hate hate these types of articles fucking loathe them; one won because the other fucked up is such a weird way to phrase it jack didnt win simply because nico picked damage and no one can prove that of nico didnt pick damage he wouldve won because guess what? He Did pick up damage that was HIS fault so.

Ferrari locking jack and carlos together to get them to get along us fucking hilarious such an unserious team I love then, jack and me both flinching when someone mentions rb is iconic behaviour from us, but carlos really decided to suddenly ask it huh? How long do we think he was thinking about it?, Sainz is out next year if he can’t do something to save himself. Ah well at least fic!carlos doesnt have to worry so he has something to look forward to,  “You are just in and out of the Red Bull hospitality for fun?” Yes he is having fun with kissing nico but you dont want to know that, “being teammates with Nico is just like being teammates with you.” I need to have a conversation with him because he is the only one who can tell us abou how both of them are as teammates and im willing to pay you a lot of money to have it done.

Ok I will be ending this comment right here and leave quali and race day hopefully for tomorrow, btw I forgot if I mentioned this but I was listening to your playlist while reading and commenting and my god the experience it provides makes EVEN better that it was which I thought was impossible but yeah you have wrote quite literally the perfect fic with the perfect playlist.

Also I will excuse you for being a rb fan even though Ferrari is obviously the superior team, also the fighting because you support different teams is so fucking real in my friend group there are three of us who actually gather every single week to watch every thing even if it was an awful time start it doesnt matter but the thing is I support Ferrari-A Shock I know who couldve guessed- one support mrec and the last support rb; you can imagine the fighting that happens-21 season was STRESSFUL- but the only thing that bonds us is our hatred for McLaren, ferrari team orders sideplot goes crazy. It goes crazy even irl it’s insane, home race curse is real YOU KNEW YOU FUCKING KNEW AND WERE LAUGHING AT ME I HATE YOU. 

and i was (and still am) lowkey worried about the article portions bc like. Oh no please dont worry you have killed it, I read a lot of articles because it’s has stuff to do with with my job and it genuinely feels like a real life journalist writing it rather than an author pretending to be a journalist writing it, zegras being a McLaren driver makes me hate him and not want to support him but he is TREVOR, why did you have to give McLaren relevance I hate them, also imola STILL not being done is so funny to me like imola know her biggest fan would be reading so she decided to not be finished love that.

okay i listened to the song and it is SO not the style of music i usually listen to but it is very jack-coded... "we talk a lot but i don't think you really know me" hello. this is about to be a jumpscare on the inertia playlist which is thus far mostly like alternative music lmao

yeah i have very non-subtly max-coded nico in this fic lmao. he cannot be fucked to run his own instagram. and who knowsss i think it is funny to have them Not be following each other on instagram but also jack is an insta-stalker and their primary method of messaging communication is instagram. my bad. creates some distance

i am always stressed writing sibling relationships like even if i am Not an only child i always feel like i'm doing it wrong. but i am having fun writing both jack and quinn's and jack and luke's dynamics, so i am glad you like the jack/luke scenes... i am always stressed about them... ferrari challenges create delusion and honestly i am here for it. jack and carlos are TOTALLY best friends what are you talking about... just do not watch any of the races where they start fighting each other via their race engineers... then the illusion is shattered... and i am with you on that. like some of the drivers definitely are friends/friendly with each other but they all have people they're better friends with who aren't on the grid. and then when they say that everyone gets mad at them lmao i think recently lando said something about liking max and being his friend but not best friend or whatever icr his exact words but i know i saw some tweets from people who were like "how dare he" which like. who cares

jack totally feels something for nico but even if he were to figure it out he would deny it. currently he is busy being ignorant to his own feelings (seriously thinks their nonsense can be both no strings attached and effectively ignored entirely) so he's busy. press conference couch goes crazy. i will forever be making them all say crazy shit on the press conference couch. nico loves to make a jack hughes remark. he's evil

chekhov's forgotten ferrari cap. the thought of nico dragging that ferrari cap around for the week between those two races is amusing to me like how ridiculous did he feel the whole time he was doing that... the world may never know. no shame for nico! more on that in ch3 lmao he doesn't have the time or space for that he just opens his mouth and says words. cunty jack hughes for the win though. and my favorite dynamic! caring too much vs not caring enough!

infuriating articles are unfortunately here to stay. because of course jack would be reading all the infuriating articles and letting them infiltrate his brain, which he absolutely should not being doing but that man is a puddle of bad decisions. and i do agree that winning after the (even just presumed) biggest competitor picks up damage doesn't mean that the driver didn't earn their win, but i keep giving voices to the world's most obnoxious reporters lmao. jack is always doomscrolling

ferrari is putting jack and carlos in a 'get along shirt.' go sit in the back of the car until you work this out, you fools, we do not have TIME for your nonsense. sainz loves to open his mouth tbh, at least the way i'm writing him. in my head he lowkey wants jack to go away because then maybe he would be more important to ferrari (because as it is he knows everyone prefers jack, even if they don't say it) so i feel like he was thinking about it for like. ever. because he's like PLEASE GO TO RB AND GET OUT OF MY FACE but jack would never. he is just an idiot who kept going to the red bull hospitality to be gay. and i consistenly forget i made carlos say that MY BAD maybe i will elaborate on that. mwahahaha

and i'm glad you like the playlist!! i love making playlists for longer fics even if no one listens to them lmao it brings me joy. and it is ever-changing i am like constantly adding and removing songs from it -- for the most part everything on there is there for some defendable reason (idk how easy it is to tell like who between jack and nico i attach to each song, or if it's just their dynamic in general) but i will admit that like COFFIN by PLVTINUM is mostly just there because i'm obsessed with that song. and i found it via the smart shuffle feature on this playlist lmao so it still lives there. my bad

yeah i live in an apartment with 3 other people and i'm outnumbered on ferrari 2-1 then our other roommate doesn't really care for f1 and pretends to root for mercedes out of spite (because at least the other 3 of us agree that we DON'T like merc lmao). we're the same with hockey in that all 4 of us main different teams, but that only really becomes an issue if any of those teams play each other. shoutout to my devils-leafs-penguins-kraken household

and yay thank you for the validation on my article sections! icr if i mentioned this already but when i was initially like Concepting this fic in my brain there was NONE of that, no twitter stuff either really, like it was going to be a more Normal fic, then i wrote the winners/losers article after testing and i was like damn it this is gonna be a thing now. and alas. here we are. but i think we have established that my initial thoughts on this fic have all blown up in my face (re: word count goal of 70k) but when does that not happen

unfortunately i am (sometimes) a mclaren liker... they definitely have their moments of Evil -- the issue is i tend to like their drivers, so by proxy i like the team. then the team does something evil and i remember why i do not like them. like i love oscar piastri can they stop FUCKING HIM OVER. whatever. and indycar-wise i like o'ward but i also like malukas who they ALSO fucked over but i do like. lundgaard. i think i have driver-blinders on when it comes to mclaren tbh... fuck you zak brown. and i made trevor indy mclaren because i made jamie f1 mclaren and i wanted them to be pseudo-teammates <- sorry if i'm repeating myself but i'm pretty sure i said that in someone's dms and not in a public tumblr post. Anyways

yeah imola still isn't done yet. i'm on the last scene though... i just had a bit of Not Writing bc i'm having papa's freezeria deluxe problems LMAO

[volfoss]

how about ranking bucciarati's team?

regret to inform you that ur gonna get a very long answer bc i have passionate feelings about them all! also trish is in this bc she is part of the team and no one will tell me otherwise and will also include some rambling bc it is me and i have so many feelings towards these characters and none of them r cohesive

under the cut just in case (post writing yes it was long)

Giorno Giovanna:

way way more complex than ppl normally give him credit for (i will not go into feelings on how a majority of the fandom treats him unless ppl want me to then i will in fact make a very long ranty post and will not be stopped)

mildly op (esp at the beginning with how hes kind of able to just use his stand really well w no problems altho i think thats true of most of the jojos that we have seen animated?)

i am emotionally attached to him and want to give him a big hug

hes just a kinda goofy kid and is maybe a bit not good with figuring out hey this is a semi dangerous situation maybe i shouldnt be taunting him (leaky eye luca for example)

has the actual best theme

i love how he works off the rest of the team so well (even w members who do not like him)

is in my top 3 jojos i love this kid sm i would adopt him if he was real

7/10

Bruno Bucciarati:

the fucking way his character develops from licky man to best dad material is my favorite thing

his outfit is so so so good i would die to wear it

in general this man is one of my fave jojos characters and i get a lot of comfort from him

hes just really neat and has a good taste in music

he did his fucking best and i will always love him for that

imo the way that his death was drawn out was genuinely one of the most heartbreaking deaths in the entire series and fucks me up each time i think of it

i feel like he really is the one to hold the team together in a way that everyone feels cared for and saved

def has a savior complex tho for sure

dilf but im ace

also manga superiority bc he either makes the stupidest faces or looks very nice (anime has a lot of weird animation in regards to his face) and also because its lingerie there instead of a tattoo that changes thickness and placement every second

10/10

Leone Abbacchio:

guilty pleasure liking man

i am obsessed with his vibes and wish to become him

i cannot physically express just how much i love him but hes one of my faves of all time (not obvious by my theme at all wdym)

i miss his manga palette but also the colored manga isnt my beloved but also black lipstick abba

hot take maybe but anime abba looks better than manga minus the lipstick debacle

hes so so tall and i will steal his height in a nice way

his past man his past it fucks me up

his death fucks me up normally but when i was rewatching recently, i saw he gave this tiny lil smile after helping the kids get their ball and i could not take it anymore

him and brunos relationship (canonically and out of canon too) is one of my favorites in the series

also fandom hot take as i guess i am doing those for everyone- but ppl either have him as cosntantly trying to murder giorno or being like good son and v out of character, and it is really weird? not sayign that ill do better when i write them but also like im convinced some ppl havent seen the show or smth

i will steal both him and bruno and marry them both <3

this man is beloved i love him to death

10/10

Pannacotta Fugo:

i cannot spell his first name to save my life

also fandom take- ppl make him constantly only angry boy all the time and it really irks me. ik araki did not give him 2 much to work w in terms of canon personality but its frustrating

the light novel purple haze feedback is so so so good and adds sm to his character and i really like it for that!

fugo is one of those that imo deserves a lot and didnt get that

genuinely the vibes between how he treats narancia is v interesting to me, like its clear he cares about nara but nara not doing great w math really frustrates him

i love their interactions and how he is genuinely a kind person at times

the manga colors r superior here, my strawberry boy <3

i just really love and appreciate him a lot and wish that ppl gave him more love

i keep getting assigned him on kin quizzes

very smart good boy

ALSO ok fugo did not do any wrong by leaving

unsure if thats a hot take but i genuinely dont blame the character one bit for leaving and again purple haze feedback really delves into that and why he did it

if ur a fugo fan go read it

his past is really upsetting esp in the anime i will cry over it

his stand is adorable and i wanna hug it

his vibes r fun and i wanna gift him strawberry dangly earrings

8/10

Narancia Ghirga:

this boy i am also adopting (i am adopting most of them sorry)

i really hate how ppl act as if hes stupid bc bad math skills do not equal stupid like did ppl not see the fight w formaggio??

the way he just fucking dove into the water after the boat and how brunos face went all soft and happy it will never not make me cry

he is constnatnly making me wanna cry if i think too much about him for 2 seconds i love him sm

how can anyone not adore him when he set an entire street on fire yk

hes just happy despite his past and it makes me sad i love nara sm

torture dance is one of my favorite memes from the show

ALSO ok the way he died so suddenly absolutely broke me bc the remaining team members r really just seeing everyone die in front of them so quickly

his goofy and laid back moments r my fave

i love just how loyal and caring he is to his friends

his stand is really cool and again the fight w formaggio was so fun to watch

8/10

Guido Mista:

probably my least favorite member of the team for a semi good reason:

the jokes towards trish are really really uncomfy and how fugo doesnt wanna be involved but he is pushing him to do something that makes him uncomfortable did not make me like him a lot

hes goofy but not goofy enough for me to be ok with the repeated jokes about that esp in the body swap episode (ik it was supposed to be funny but it just felt off)

his vibes r good but i wish we got to see his hair

the fandom interpretation is normally pretty good of him overall?

despite not loving him a lot, i really enjoying writing for him (one day might open up headcanon requests or smth but unsure)

hes someone id wanna watch movies w but his taste in movies and mine r very different

love how he and his stand get along

honestly has very very good comedic potential

i really like how he and giorno interact as the series goes on (in a platonic way i need to clarify that i love their friendship)

again him in purple haze feedback was really interesting

probably a 5/10?

Trish Una:

beloved and deserved better

her first outfit in the manga > outfit in the anime

actually in general i believe in manga trish superiority like her hair in the manga looks so cool

her stand her stand her stand i love sm

if u dont include trish in the group i am murdering u <3

HER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!! IS SO GOOD!!!!!!

fandom gripe is how people either pretend she does not exist or has the trish first introduction thing where shes using her defense mechanisms and acting a bit spoiled

OK but her in purple haze feedback!!! mild spoilers but how bruno was taking care of her post the ending of vento aureo makes me so happy each time i think of it

very mad that she canonically didnt really get an ending and yet again PHF my beloved actually gave her that

how spice girl starts out as a stand thats helping her thru a very stressful situation is so cool and i love it

DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO DAD BRUNO *frothes at the mouth*

but more seriously how she leans on bruno and begins 2 trust him and nearly point blank is referring to him as a father figure always fucks me up

esp because of the resulting fight afterwards

and the very ending of the arc that ends w bruno being like bye gonna go in the clouds and look ethereal now, oh man it makes me so sad

bc giorno is the only one that knew what happened and people that were closer to bruno due to knowing him longer didnt

i wanna see how trish coped w that personally

despite being introduced not at the beginning i think her arc and character in general were as well paced as it could be!

9/10

finally done! sorry that took so long but oh man i have so many feelings towards these guys its not even funny

[gayregis]

I read “A Little Sacrifice” and now I am a MESS

fun fact: i read the books out of order on purpose because i am very focused on instant gratifaction, so i read all of the hansa parts first and then went back to all of the rest of the books, thus i read the assault on castle stygga before a little sacrifice

so when i backtracked and read a little sacrifice, i had a very spiteful look on my face, like sapkowski fucking did it again, huh...

a little sacrifice has a lot of depth and it has a beautifully written sad ending but the first time i read it (with the fan translation from reddit) i didnt quite know what was being translated and what wasnt so i didnt know if i was missing any context, plus when i read, i skim and then go back a thousand times to reread it if i liked it, so i was just extremely confused as to what the fuck the relationship geralt and essi was supposed to be like, and then you get to the end and it’s like well i guess their relationship doesnt even matter after all because she’ll never show up again

also i remember being physically nauseous at reading that essi couldn’t be over 18, especially since i was like 17-18 when i read it a couple of years ago. yeah that basically was the closest i ever got to leaving the witcher fandom entirely, i had like this whole conversation with myself at 2 AM about the decision to stay in the fandom if i have to deal with this being canon, the solution i have come up with for it is that i simply do not acknowledge that part as canon and essi is like 25 in my mind and also she never fell in love with geralt

on one hand i think the story of unrequited love/doomed romance is interesting solely because it is something that you’re not meant to be like “aww cute i hope they get together” at, it’s a terrible fucking relationship in context. and geralt mentions this multiple times because he’s So Monogamous all he wants is yennefer, and this was an interesting way to develop your main romance, sapkowski does this like ten times in the series, where geralt and yennefer are fucking miles apart but somehow their romance gets developed during this period. i think it’s the embodiment of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and it’s something that realy flew over CDPR’s heads, like they didn’t have a “hot and cold” / “on again off again” relationship, they both had a lot of issues relating to intimacy and committment and self-image which prevented them from true intimacy even though they had become very vulnerable with one another

on the other essi’s purpose in this story is literally just to fall in love with the main character and then die. like. i was genuinely mad because it wasn’t even a valorous death for a symbolic reason, such as with the hansa who die to demonstrate that an exchange of lives has occured. essi just dies because it’s sad and there’s not much place for her later in the series. i was genuinely mad because she had this really great relationship with dandelion and seeing that expanded on was something i felt we got cheated out of. all of the geralt and essi scenes we got i think should have been proportioned in a 1:2 ratio with scenes with her and dandelion / her and dandelion and geralt as a group, because she really didn’t get enough development of her own but had a lot of potential. 

plus sapkowski was just like “actually dandelion isn’t always incredibly self-absorbed and blinded by arrogance, let me demonstrate situations in which he cares deeply about the people involved and acts appropriately” and then immediately tossed that concept out of the window until we get to the end of time of contempt/roll into baptism of fire. like you’re really going to throw away the potential for depth and development for one of the main characters that’s the constant contrast to your main character. idk it was just nice to see how dandelion’s character changed to be more mature with essi in the room bc that’s his little sister ;w;

also can i just say the subplot with sh’eenaz and duke agloval annoyed me to no end. the message of the main plot is supposed to be that a little sacrifice for love is actually a really large sacrifice, and geralt refuses to hold any resentment against yennefer anymore because he realizes that she has sacrificed a lot for him and he hasn’t in return:

“A little sacrifice isn’t enough here; you’d have to sacrifice everything, and there’d still be no way of knowing if that would be enough (...) Now I know that a little sacrifice is a hell of a lot.” 

but then sh’eenaz loses her fishy tail for duke agloval ON TOP of all of the sacrifices she has made for him before? i can’t deal with this, i call bullshit. the duke has NO redeeming qualities and i still can’t see them as a couple because he was such a dick. so this relationship being part of what demonstrates “a little sacrifice” really just serves to muddle the message of the short story

i have an idea to rewrite the whole thing so to make essi x sh’eenaz real (there is potential in this ship) and the message clearer. i think there should be no romance between essi and geralt because it’s weird and for a character who is basically just Younger & Female Dandelion to immediately fall hard and fast in love with geralt is eye-rolling. i get that it’s about the message and themes of the story and not about the characters, i understand this, the characters actually matter very little, but the message would even be clearer if sh’eenaz had left the duke for essi, because it would show that sh’eenaz has already sacrificed, she’s already done so much, and because the duke never reciprocated, she left him and found love with a better person. and that could be geralt’s wakeup call that a little sacrifice really is a hell of a lot, it would send him hightailing to apologize to yennefer or at least communicate to her that he appreciates her sacrifices that she has made for him, because if you don’t appreciate the sacrifices, you will lose your loved ones.

also ofc i’d involve gerlion and all of this because i feel like there is this weird, buried trail of gerlion vs geryennefer running throughout the sword of destiny, here is my “im looking at this too closely” analysis of the path of how gerlion and geryennefer both get to exist:

bounds of reason - geralt is of course still on good terms with dandelion, but needs to mend things with yennefer, and he manages to do so by the end of the story, also dandelion and yennefer are mildly antagonistic to each other (i also cross out That Comment/Joke/Scene from my mind just fyi, its really just horrible and out of place so i cant consider it as canon)

a shard of ice - geralt and yennefer still have feelings for each other but end up separated by the end of the short story because of insecurities relating to their capacities for love and their relationships with others: there is this contrast between yennefer and istredd, which is a long relationship of friendship and istredd is someone yennefer goes to when she needs security that she will be loved, geralt is someone in contrast that she is very passionately in love with and isn’t really thinking about longtime reliability with

eternal flame - geralt and yennefer have called it quits for now, dandelion also just broke up with his girlfriend, geralt and dandelion meet in a city and decide to get smashed together. that situation alone calls for a single eyes emoji. but id like to point out the parallel here between yen/istredd and geralt/dandelion, dandelion is someone geralt goes to for security in that he will be loved, that his company will be liked and appreciated. also one of the stupidest things ive come up with is that “eternal flame” does mean some romantic interest who’s been in your life seemingly forever and you’ll always love, and the story IS called... ok anyways.... at the end of the story we are presented with this weirdly emotional scene as dudu changes into dandelion because from being geralt for a few seconds, he knows his thoughts and knows that geralt will never use violence against him & that he’ll let him go... this is a very interesting scene because of how comic the rest of the story is in tone

a little sacrifice [rewritten] - so my take on this would be that geralt and dandelion have unresolved and unacknowledged closeness and it’s eating at the both of them. geralt is just annoying because he doesn’t think he’s ‘normal’ enough for love, basically nothing really needs to change except the last 3 to 4 chapters... they still have the argument in bed, they still go to investigate the dragon’s teeth together. just instead of essi randomly confessing the all-consuming, obsessive romantic feelings for geralt that she developed in less than 35 pages, dandelion and geralt are the ones sitting down just discussing what is going on with their relationship that has been developed in-depth for i guess five short stories now (including the voice of reason) and around 15 to 20 in-universe years that have not had any affect on their ages because that’s narrative for you. instead of geralt having to console a lovesick girl crying over him and thinking that he can’t make this little sacrifice, the theme of sacrifice for love is carried over by a discussion of how much they have already sacrificed for one another over the years, and contributes to the redux theme of “sacrifice for love needs to be reciprocated.” simultaneously, after sh’eenaz leaves the duke for a better option, geralt realizes the meaning of a little sacrifice and realizes how he has acted poorly towards yennefer, and seeks to make things right with her again. THUS we can have both ships and they wont conflict.

the sword of destiny - holy shit none of this romance drama shit matters AFTER ALL. actually it’s the CHILD which has been important all of this time, and it’s time to be responsible or invite doom across the threshold... ah wait okay doom has already entered the house. doom is eating tostitos and bean dip.

something more - following consequences of the end of the sword of destiny. obviously about ciri but yennefer and dandelion also have incredibly significant scenes in this short story and i think it’s just to represent that they’re also important in geralt’s life

beginning of blood of elves - yennefer and dandelion actually have a good conversation about everything including geralt and they basically matrue up and agree to never be hostile towards each other ever again. they both see that the others give him something that they cannot, and they’re not in competition with each other at all

tl;dr

[dahniwitchoflight]

yeah that didnt last long LOL

“I... You know what? You've convinced me. There's no way I'm fucking with this shit. I'm nobody's puppet, of course. But this was going to be a little fun we had together. A callback to simpler times. I just wanted to play a game, and you were going to be part of it. That submission box was my olive branch, dipped tentatively and at arms length into the trash furnace of creative potential known as 'Online'. But I should have known better. People think you can run a story like this? This must be just about the stupidest idea anyone has ever come up with. I'll just have to make up the commands myself from here on out. Seemed to work ok for the other guy. “

at least hes sort of self aware that hes doing anything different from the guy he thinks of as a villain

  “Plants are basically the ideal friends. They don't constantly question your decisions, or try and undermine your authority, or suggest that perhaps you should try talking about your feelings every once in a while. Plants lie down in the dirt and take it, metaphorically speaking. “

Yeah in case you fooled for a moment, definitely villain

Oh :D at least Terezi seems to be joking and a bit of a foil for Dirk as she can also control the narrative a touch it seems, i hope anyway, so hard to tell with these narrative controlling types

No it seems to be impying that Terezi as a Mind player is on the same sort of narrative Turf as Dirk here, but that this is sort of home base for her, while Dirk is in actuality out of his element in controlling words and narrative

Probably because it has been seen to be a purely mental state in terms of the characters who experience it, and even in Homestuck1 Terezi did have little nods that she was sort of aware of the text

“4ND WH3N 1T COM3S TO TH3 4SP3CTS, OPPOS1NG P41RS 3FF3CTIV3LY D3FIN3 34CH OTH3R ON 4 FUND4M3NT4L L3V3LTEREZI: M1ND 4ND H34RT, T1M3 4ND SP4C3...TEREZI: TH3YR3 4LL TWO S1D3S OF TH3 S4M3 CO1NTEREZI: OR I GU3SSTEREZI: TW3LV3 S1D3S OF TH3 S4M3 S1X CO1NS?“

:DD I somehow feel like I’ve been almost half quoted! lolno

But really I LOOOOVE that its being clearly stated the nature of opposing Aspects, if one aspect is one thing, then it’s opposite simply is not that thing. 

12 sides of the same six coins, Easy Peasy, very simple to get

hah yup Dirk’s Homestuck2 Opposite day story is gonna be mostly long rants with smatterings of panels, in opposition to how Homestuck was a lot of panels with smatterings of text

“ For the sake of precedent, I'm saying that we can cloak the visuals entirely and continue with narration alone, replacing the panel with a block of text like this, which we can call a “prattle” from now on. “

yeah Im not doing that lol these are just self indulgent rants

“DIRK: Terezi please stop talking right now.

TEREZI: D1RK HOLY SH1T

TEREZI: W

Terezi stops talking immediately, her mind suddenly free of any and all inclination to take a look at what's behind the curtain. What curtain? In fact, she is quite certain there have never been, and never will be, any objects covered by fabric located anywhere in the storeroom.“

well that was uncomfortable as fuck but still quite in character for the guy who said Plants were the best kind of friend because they didnt fight back. 

Give your friends juuust enough free will until it becomes inconvenient to you then force them to do what you want, yeah thats not repulsive at all.

So, theses kinds of abusive behaviours are just inherent to Dirk then, even if simply because he’s just the kind of guy who prioritizes himself and his own comfort and control above others and feels like he can force other people to be and act like the kind of people he wants them be whenever he feels like it, no consideration at all for if they want to do shit that has nothing to do with him or worse, go against him. 

“ Terezi stops talking immediately, her mind suddenly free of any and all inclination to take a look at what's behind the curtain. What curtain? In fact, she is quite certain there have never been, and never will be, any objects covered by fabric located anywhere in the storeroom. “

I like how its really hammering it in through all of these references that the exact same outcome would have been inevitable in this scenario no matter who was the author of homestuck, it always would have been a communal work that turned into a story of one mans design, and no matter how good that design would be, one man is simply not the sum of an entire fandom, and if he were, he would be formless and identityless with no consciousness of his own. 

“ DIRK: Is there nothing I can say that'd take the weight off your mind?”

you mean is there no thought i can insert into your narrative that would make you stop caring about what you acre about

ohh and now im distracted by juicy lore bits

“ DIRK: We scanned for Sburban technology, so we know for sure this is the right planet. Wheels are already in motion and all that. “

they been scanning for sburban tech on distant planets, so they ARE planning on doing some sort of session, another sort of universe remake, but to what end? you already did that with earth, whats so different about this time you ask?

Well, theyre gonna remake the story (or try to) not just a universe by using or enhancing the sburb tech

That was good :D im excited to see more!

I am however, not excited to devolve into random midnight updates that interrupt my sleep schedule because im too old for that shit and also i have a steady job with regular hours now so i have an actual sleep schedule now (so hopefully thats another thing that Not!Homestuck^2 decides to be all opposite day on...hopefully..)

but ive already ruined that for tonight >.>

[honeysuckle-writings]

PART THREE PREGAME AMASAI

*************************

Saihara had been so distracted after everything that once his time was up, he almost forgot to get his game back from Akamatsu. He had watched Amami walked out of the aisle before he leaned back against the book shelf and closed his eyes. What the fuck just happened? Why would Amami even acknowledge him in that sense? Saihara took a moment to collect himself before he attempted to leave. He walked back towards his table and grabbed his bag before exiting the library.

Through everything, he felt like he was on cloud nine. He almost wanted to ask Akamatsu to slap him across the face just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. She would end up being way too happy about that request though.

Luckily he didn't have to go far. Akamatsu had been sitting outside of the door on the ground playing on his console.

"Oh, I d-didnt expect to see you h-here." Saihara figured he would have to go and hunt her down.

"Eh. Didn't want to go far. Too busy." She kept her sentences short, obviously in an intense part of the level.

"I appreciate it."

"I didn't do it for you. I just wanted to spend more time playing and less time fighting people off from talking to me. Fuck!" She growled at the screen and tilted her head back. "Fine. Take the stupid thing back. I'm gunna smash it if I keep trying it."

Saihara reached out and took the console without saying anything.

"You seem like you're in another dimension." She stated as she stood up and flattened out her skirt.

"Oh. Uhm. N-no." He couldn't just tell her what happened. She would not believe him and think he just had a wet dream during detention, resulting in her making fun of him even more. "I'm just, uh, ready t-to get home and get someth-thing to eat."

"Yeah." She didn't enjoying going back to her place either. Saihara never pryed too much into her personal life, but knew most nights she didn't go home until well after 11 or 12 when her parents were asleep. She would bounce between friends and hanging out just to pass time. He wondered where she would be going tonight.

They made their way outside, the sun in it's early stages of setting because of the changing season. Saihara didn't live too far from the school making it very easy to walk to and from. Akamatsu normally walked with him until they reached a stop sign at the end of the street before she would break off and head off on her own.

"I-ill see you tomorrow alright?" Saihara waved at her as she shoved headphones into her ears. She nodded at him and quickly turned on her heel.

Saihara dug his keys out of his pocket and made his way up his front porch steps to the door. Once he entered, he knew immediately that his uncle was probably at his office doing some work on a case and he would be alone to fend for himself. This would include making a small rice side or microwave dinner and enjoying some YouTube theories that people had over the last season and predictions for the new season of Danganronpa, right after a shower of course. He could not stay in his clothes for much longer.

He knew he should probably eat better but microwaved food was so much quicker than actually putting in effort to cook. Finally cleaned and cuddled up in his pajamas, Saihara sat down on the couch facing the television in the living room. He plugged up his laptop to the HDMI cord and displayed his YouTube page on the screen.

He thought about shooting a text to Ouma and seeing how he was doing. After seeing him with Amami, he wondered if he could get any info or reasoning why. Did Ouma know what Amami had done? If they were together, would he be mad at him for doing that to Saihara? Did Amami tell Ouma he was spying? He didn't want to make anything worse for Ouma that's for sure but he had so many questions that were overwhelming him.

Saihara sighed and took his phone off the table and sent the text anyway. He at least wanted to strike up conversation again. Ouma was one of the cutest boys he has ever seen. His hair so puffy and soft that he wanted to just pet it, and if you got him laughing then you would become addicted to the sound. Saihara did have a bit of a crush on him when they had first met, but his timid personality clashed with Saihara's inept one. Now he was settling for a simple friendship.

Saihara: *Hey Ouma! What are you up to?* He set the phone down and began to eat on one of the sides from his dinner and pressed play on a video.

Soon a notification on his phone went off.

Ouma: *Hey,, I'm just doing homework. You..?*

Ouma was even timid in his messages.

Saihara: *I'm eating dinner finally and trying to relax.*

Ouma: *oh, yeah I saw you had to stay after. That super sucks.*

Fuck so he did see Saihara there at least?

Saihara: *Oh yeah! You came in sometime during that huh?? There was someone else with you, I think?* He had to play it cool. Maybe he could make it seem like he didn't even know him.

Ouma: *Oh, uhm, yeah.*

Saihara huffed. That was all Ouma was going to say?

Saihara: *That's cool!* He really wanted to press further but wasn't exactly sure what to say. *Is he a friend of yours? Boyfriend? ;) Name??*

It took a lot longer for him to respond this time. Saihara wondered if he had scared him away. He really just, didn't know how to talk to people most of the time. He would become annoying or exhausting and people would eventually cast him away. Social cues just were not his specialty, but he really was trying to work on it.

While he waited, Saihara reached down on the ground for his messenger bag and lifted the flap to look for his notebook. It wasn't right there in the front. He could have sworn he had just stuck it in. He checked behind the other things he had but there was no trace of the notebook. Saihara's eyes widened and he suddenly felt his chest tightening. Fuck.

He knew the sound of his phone had gone off but it sounded so muffled, much like he was underwater. His vision also started to become blurry. Did he leave it at the library? Did it somehow fall out? Someone was going to take it and his life would be over. He found himself gasping for air, the room feeling like it had been closing in on him and he was losing oxygen.

Shakily he reached back into his bag once more, not for his missing notebook, but another compartment that held a small bottle. He flipped the lid off taking a small pill out and took it with a swig of his drink. He kept these on him for moments like this. Moments when he was loosing himself in an attack and needed help to calm it down. He was supposed to be taking them regularly but he opted to only take them during panic attacks.

His mind was running 80 mph as he imagined scenarios of someone picking up his notebook and spreading everything through the school. He grabbed a couch pillow and shoved his face into it, trying to regulate his breathing and keep himself from passing out.

It felt like years to him, but finally he felt himself begin to relax. He could still feel a sense of fear, but his breathing had gone down and his body felt weak. The downside of this was the feeling afterwards, like almost a delay in his reactions. It certainly calmed him down, but it didn't fully take away the feeling that got him there. It was just easier to handle now.

The pillow fell lazily to the ground with a thump and Saihara looked over to his phone. Maybe he would look and distract himself from everything. As he pressed his on button, the screen lit up and it took a second for his vision to adjust to focusing on it. He clicked on the text message Ouma had sent a while ago.

Ouma: *saihara, we both know you know who he is..*

Ouma wasn't wrong. He really didn't think about it when he had sent his reply earlier. He probably looked like a big dumbass. What was he even supposed to say now? A lot of time had passed so he assumed Ouma thought he had ignored him after being called out. Shit another great attempt at a friendship.

Saihara: *Sorry, I know. I was just trying to keep up conversation and not sound too stalkery.*

He put his phone down on to his laptop and looked over at the food he hadn't finished eating. At this point his appetite was shot so it was going to end up as lunch for the next day. Saihara pulled himself up on to wobbly legs and took the bowl to the fridge. Another ding came from his phone, and then another as he finally got back over to the couch.

Ouma had replied.

Ouma: *You're fine,, no worries. Its good that you didnt freak out about it... hehe*

One thing did bother him about the responses. Ouma never addressed the boyfriend part of his question. Saihara wondered if maybe that was intentional. Maybe Ouma didn't want anyone to know or maybe he thought Saihara would throw a fit if he knew, which wasn't the case at all.

But another number had also contacted him.

*Saihara.*

That was, weird. Saihara stared at the message trying to figure out what the best response should be. This mystery number was just another thing on top of his already overwhelmed plate.

Saihara: *Maybe?* That was the stupidest response but nothing else seemed like it would be vague enough to match the vibe.

*Are you missing something?*

Saihara's eyes widened. This had to be the person who stole his notebook.

Saihara: *What gives you the right to dig into my stuff?*

He'd be lying if he said he was anything less than livid. Who had the balls to dig into others belongings? In all actuality, he could think of a few. Momota came to mind. He wouldn't think twice about taking whatever he wanted and having more of a reason to ridicule him. Saihara hoped to whatever deity out there that it wasn't him.

*Says the person who likes to eavesdrop on conversations he isn't a part of.*

Saihara re-read the message at least ten times in his head. No, no way. It couldn't be him. How would he have even gotten his phone number? He didn't have it written down in the notebook anywhere. Maybe someone had been watching them?

Before he knew it, Saihara had pressed the call button at the top of the text messages, determined to get to the bottom of it.

The phone rang three times before it was answered.

"Yeah?"

There was no mistaking that voice. Even over the phone it made him melt like butter.

"Amami?" His voice came out breathy, with a small squeak as he struggled to fit pieces together.

"Mhmm." Amami answered with more of a confirming noise than anything.

"You, you have m-my notebook?"

"You really like Danganronpa don't you?"

Well that answered it. Saihara stayed quiet at that. The answer was completely obvious. Then it hit him. All of the pages that had been dedicated to Amami, were now in his hands.

"Did you, uhm, uh, re-read all o-of it?" Saihara began to bite on his finger nails trying desperately to stay grounded.

"Eh, not yet. You kind've interrupted me." How was Amami so chill about this. He acted so nonchalant about what he had done, about the reactions he was recieving from Saihara.

"Listen, uhm, c-can I just hav-ve it back, please?"

"Sure. I'll give it back to you tomorrow. If you don't get yourself stuck back in the library again."

Saihara pulled his finger out of his mouth and huffed loud enough to he heard against the reviever.

"H-how did you ev-ven get my n-number?" He may have sounded a bit more agitated than he intended to show.

"That's for me to know. Got it?" His smooth, relaxed voice now had a firm sound to it.

"O-okay." Saihara responded immediately. It was time for him to accept his fate at this point.

"I'm not going to share it with anyone." Amami reassured him, almost like he could hear what Saihara was thinking. "I'm not the type of person to do that."

"B-but you're th-the type to s-steal out of pe-peoples bags?"

There was a moment of silence between the two.

"I-im sorry. I d-didnt mean to, to snap." Saihara apologized. "I was j-just, uh, freaking out earlier."

Amami had made another noise in response to the confession. "I'm not surprised. Look, I'll give it to you tomorrow. No one else will see it. Meet me at the store across the street in the morning okay?"

"Okay. Uhm. I just, I advise you b-before you read more. It's uh, s-some of it m-may have you in it."

"Do you not want me to read that then?"

That caught him off guard. Did Amami really care enough to skip the pages doodled in hearts about him? Or would he lie and read them anyway?

"If you really don't want me to then I won't. I haven't gotten far. Just a couple of excecution you have planned out."

Saihara thought for a moment. Amami had touched him in the library today. What if he was actually eager to read what was in there? Maybe Amami could handle it, if he felt the same way. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of Amami feeling the same way about him.

Deep down, it was also thrilling to have him read those fantasies.

"Y-you can."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I-I don't mind. Just, d-dont hate me for some of the s-stuff in there."

"Want me to tell you when I have or keep it to myself?"

This all seemed to point towards Amami actually caring about his feelings in all of this. It reassured Saihara that perhaps things wouldn't be so bad. Maybe the outcome would be much like the movies where one person would read the love letters and fall in love with the sender.

"Please tell me. I'll b-be worried sick if I just, just don't know anything."

"Will do then. I'll text you." And with that Amami hung up.

Saihara let out a shaky breath and saved the number into his phone. Amami's name, with quite a few hearts following. He couldn't help it. This is not at all how he thought he and Amami would start talking, but he still relished in seeing that name in his contacts and felt like he was in a dream state. That night he was going to eagerly wait with his phone volume turned up.

[lateleviathan]

late thing about the homestuck epilogues

i just read the epilogues for the first time yesterday so heres some random thoughts

it really didnt feel like i was reading a real continuation of homestuck, if that makes sense? it definitely felt more like i was reading just another fanfic, which was definitely the point and also something im really grateful for

where were the sprites? davepeta was there for like one chapter in meat but where were gcatvros, jasprose, ARquius, and the two nanas? they didnt die or get deleted when the game ended, they were on earth c in the credits!

jane's dad too, but at least he gets mentioned once in the candy timeline

at first jade being obsessed with having a relationship with dave and karkat didnt make sense to me but looking back on the retcon timeline she probably spent those 3 years all alone on that ship idealizing her relationship with the two people she had crushes on before , unlike the game over timeline where socializing with john and davesprite helped her move on :,( (jade's 3 years alone is the fucking worst, i hate that hussie chose to do that)

jane and dirk being xenophodes fucking sucks, but at least with dirk i kinda get it. dude grew up in a world where humans were literally extinct cause of a troll. jane i dont get though. sure theres plenty of evidence shes a capitalist thru and thru in the comic, but i just dont buy the xenophobia, at least not to the eugenics level, which is a shame because its basically the crux of both timelines

jake got done so dirty in both timelines. in one jane breaks him, in the other dirk breaks him. fuck i didnt even really like jake english going in but now i pity the poor guy.

i love you roxy, but you did some dumb stuff in candy. marrying a guy you only just started dating like a week ago was really dumb. i mean i get it, but ugh. same for sticking with jane through all the xenophobia. i get it but ugh. poor dude though, they're in a rough spot in candy. i love roxy and cant really hold any of it against them.

i guess calliope just wasnt important enough to keep around, huh? jusy runs away to never return in both timelines, huh? fucking dumb

alt!calliope on the other hand was great. fantastic. amazing. loved basically everything she did. not like from a moral standpoint, but i loved reading it. best parts of the epilogues were when alt!calliope was in control, which was probably the point. i loved her little quirks like her reverance for the lollipop and how she didnt understand human things. that poor cherub was so dumb tho, i saw dirk's ploy coming a mile away.

speaking of things i dont necissarily aprove of but enjoyed reading: every scene with gamzee was delightful in the worst way. god he was such a horrible shithead every step of the way. it was so funny. everyone hated him so much and i was living for it. vriska finally murdering was the most emotionally satisfying thing in the whole epilogue.

vriska being trapped in candy is... interesting. sorry i mean (vriska). but vriska and (vriska)'s conversation was interesting at the very least.

can all the troll ghosts just die already? give them real double deaths and let the fuckers move on.

meenah and karkat happened except karkat was actually an adult this time so its whatever

im glad kanaya and rose got to be happy in at least one timeline

the final battle against lord english was the one thing i was actually kinda looking forward to and it sucked. just sort of disappointing all around.

john and terezi's connection was fuckin great shit though. idk about the sex especially under those conditions but their conversations were a joy to read. john's death scene was also really well done. terezi promising to watch all of john's dumbass movies and find the stupidest quote to put on his grave really got to me. thank god she has the body cause idk if i would even read hs2 if there wasnt some hope for the return of egbert

daves love for obama and obsession with the economy were amazing and i loved it.

davekat is canon but its forever tainted so fucking thanks a lot

and finally, the last elephant in the room: Dirk Strider. i think i kinda love to hate him? what a shithead. what an absolute shithead. god i hope all his plans are absolutely ruined. trashed. i dont even want him to die just watch as all the things he thought were important enough to be a villain for fall apart before his eyes. and, given how much dirk shits on john for being completely unimportant, i think it would be thematically appropriate if june egbert were the one to do it.

thats all i can think of rn. just had to get these thoughts out.

[amazignphil]

If you still want to believe that humanity exists, somewhere on this earth, you might wanna avoid this post. This will be long. This will be hard and this will definitely not be me trying to say I have humanity. Because I don’t. Nobody does anymore.

Reblog this if you will, or if you want but let me just say this. I am sorry beforehand. I am gonna talk a lot and i am gonna mention some gore and a lot of inhumanity.

Haven’t people always told you that “you should be good” or “be kind” or “be human”? Why has no one ever told you what you do when people AREN’T BEING KIND? why is it the automatic answer to people being suckyassholes is to be KIND in return? How is me not stepping on the tail of a dog after it bites me a good thing? Why should i just get my injections and let it be because IT HAPPENS?

How is the answer “its okay let it go it happens” supposed to explain anything? what its purpose? why is it that thats the answer we have the second something goes wrong. the second someone does something wrong, we reassure them it happens. we reassure the person being done wrong that it happens?

how is the answer “it haoppens” supposed to justify anything. It happens. It happens because you let it happen. Befre anyone starts bsing me saying that “girls ge raped are you saying that LET it happen?” and to those who thought that, no. girls don’t let it happen.

why should girls be the one that needs to protect themselves? why cant boys just CONTROL themselves? A person will try to console a rape victim saying, “its okay. i am sorry. but it happens. you’re not the only one.” and a friend of the rapist will reassure the rapist saying, “its okay. it happens. something people just can’t control themselves.”

its wrong. the phase “it happens” shouldnt fucking exist. yaknow why? let me throw at you something that happened to me today.

I was in a car (not our car because something was wrong with the radiator of the car and it was overheating the engine and stuff) and because my dad already has head injury, he called a driver who managed to borrow his friend’s car to drive us.

on the way back, this motorcycle/bike tries to cross the road from left to right through the zebra crossing. You know... the crossing used for PEOPLE to cross the road? Yeah that zebra crossing. Our driver honked at him asked like the “it happen” bengali scene it is, pulled down his window and actually politely asked him, “is this how you’re supposed to cross the road?” (no he wasn’t. he isn’t.) 

This guy, clearing on some kind f high, fucking trist to pull open the door f the side my sisters sat in at first instinct. My sisters smart so she locked both the windows and the door the second he climbed off his bike and started yellling. He couldn’t to my sis so he instead pulled open the door of my driver which again in typical bengali “it happens” scene is pen and my dad has to reach over and cover him from the fucking hits he’s throwing with his helmet at the driver and the car. My dad already had an head injury and guess what tis fucker did? 

he say the bandage on my dad’s head and hit that exact place hard with his fucking helmet thrice. THREE FUCKING TIMES. 

The guy didnt even have a single license plate on his motor. We couldn’t do anything abiut it. The guy also trashed the windshield of the carwith his helmet to the point tine little pieces of glass had come inside our car and we had to later clean it out. 

At that point.. i was just done with humanity. I had given up on it. I was done with it. I knew for a fact it had to be dead, at least inside to be this fucking cruel without a fucking reason and to resort to violence as thr FIRST straw. 

Since we were in the middle of a huge highway with extremely busy “it happens” bengali traffic, we had to pull to the side of the road when a woman, clearly seeing my bleeding dad, our broken car, and our tear faces came up to us to ask for money.

we never say no to people for money because they might need it for more than us and its okay. we’re okay with sharing. But at that time, i was furious. i lashed out.

At the women. At the woman asking for help. 

i lashed out someone asking for help not even five minutes after i learned how inhumane people could be. I became one of those inhumane people. 

And when I started crying about this and ranting the most stupidest ideas i’ve ever heard, my sister felt like it was the time to draw a line and snap me out before i loose all my “humanity that is left” nd she punched me. 

She punched me to stop me from becoming more inhumane but thats when she started crying. Because it wasn’t just her trying to pull me out of it, it was also her anger leashing out at me. She resorted to “inhumanity” to snap me out of my trance of being inhumane after i saw someone being the most inhumane person i’ve ever, and hopefully the only one, met. 

if this cycle doesn’t tell you humanity is dying each second through other people inhumanity, then i dont know what ever will. People stood by watching these guy(guys since the biker had other friends helping him hit the car and my dad) be this inhumane creature and turned a part of themselves to inhumanity by turning away from the scene and getting help. 

inhumanity is a disgrace that brings itself on through itself and catches other peoples with its long ass claws. Staying away from inhumanity? how do you do THAT when everything you do something wrong, something inhumane, people say “IT HAPPENS.” like its what HUMANE. LIKE ITS WHAT HUMAN DO ALL THE TIME. 

IT ISNT. IT SHOULDN’T BE. THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENS BECAUSE OF THE PHRASE IT HAPPENS SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND WE’RE CURRENTLY AT WITH THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF “SOCIETY AND LIVING TOGETHER IN PEACE AND HARMONY THROUGH MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING AND BOND” BITCH. THIS SOCIETY IS MAKING INHUMANE THINGS HUMANE BUT SPREADING “IT HAPPENS” AND WE’RE UST... GOING WITH IT. LIKE PUPPETS. WHERE’S THE “MUTUAL BOND” IN THAT. WHERE’S THE PEACE IN THAT?

Inhumanity is what i would say is the most common human trait i know of. 

[nintxndos]

an nsfw ask meme (hide ur eyes kiddos)

I was looking through my blog and saw I answered this ask meme back in 2016 and the answers are preeetttyyyy different so I thought i would give it a go again

1. Are you a virgin? nope havent been for a hot minute now

2. Does anyone besides you know your bra/penis size? Yes ive mentioned it to my bff a few times lmfao

3. Do you know anyone who has any STDs? Yeah my fucking dad (actually it may have been an sti but still)

4. Were you married when you first lost your virginity? nope lmfao

5. Do you swear under celibacy? nah man

6. When did you first lose your virginity? If you haven't, when would you like to? ugh back in 2016 not a good time tbh

7. Have you ever gotten tricked into aphrodisiacs or alcohol for sex? nope

8. Have you walked in on someone masturbating/having sex? Yeah my parents when I was 5 amd I still remember it vividly

9. Have you ever seen someone masturbate or have sex with their permission? yes I quite enjoy it tbh

10. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex? the couch in my boyfriends parents house when everyone was home

11. If you had to chose one, would you have outdoor sex or car sex? car sex bc I dont want grass in my asshole

12. When was the age you first masturbated? Whether you knew it or not? probably 14 or 15

13. Have you ever helped someone "finish"? yes I really love it too

14. Have you ever had an erection in the past month? (clitorial counts, too) I dont know?

15. When was the last time you have had an erection? (clitorial counts, too) didnt know this was a thing tbh lmfao

16. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? gonna take a guess and say no

17. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) clitoral

18. What is your bra/penis size? 38DD

19. Has anyone seen your private parts other than yourself or a family member? yes

20. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? a boys dick ayyy

21. Do you like rough sex or intimate sex better? rough sex gets me fucked UP (though intimate is nice too)

22. When was the last time you masturbated? uhhh 2 days ago maybe?

23. When was the last time you had sex? god two weeks ago and im dying i swear

24. When was the last time you watched porn? a few days ago maybe

25. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? yes i have y first was a little blue bullet and the most recent is a vibrating dildo

26. Guys: Circumsized? not male

27. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? thighs and neck fuckkk

28. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? the clit baby!!

29. Girls: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? nope though wow good for the ladies who can

30. What color/type of underwear are you wearing? blue panties and a floral bra

31. Have you ever sent someone a picture or video of you in the nude? Did it include sexual actions? absolutely

32. Have you ever posted a picture of image of you in the nude on a website? Did it include sexual actions? nope

33. Have you ever anonymously sent/posted a picture or video of yourself in the nude? Did it include sexual actions? nope

34. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr? nope

35. When was the last time you have had a wet dream? maybe a week or so ago?

36. Which wet dream was your favorite? not sharing lmfao

37. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? well im currently dating my best friend of 7/8 years

38. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? yes

39. Have you ever masturbated with someone? yeah

40. Have you ever took a shower with someone that is not a family member? no :'----( I dont even wanna fuck in the shower I just want my back washed

41. Favorite sexual position? If you are a virgin, which position interests you? honestly i love missionary

42. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Fuck yes

43. Are you into any BDSM? god yeah

44. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why? yes because we live 3 hours away 😪😪

45. Turn on's? choking, spanking, being called names, ropes

46. Turn off's? age play is a no go

47. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about someone? Was it about anyone other than your lover? yes i have and since we started dating absolutely not

48. Have you ever had phone sex? Video sex? Chat box sex? yes like all the time the (since he lives 3 hours away)

49. What was the weirdest thing that has ever turned you on? uhhh I cant think of anything right now tbh

50. Do you like dirty talk? oh fuck yeah

51. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? usually quiet bc i have to but I love being loud for my boyfriend

52. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? yeah someone came downstairs and started yelling abt something, also my bf and I were fucking on the couch and the remote fell over

53. Most embarressing sex/masturbation story? god my exs mom walked in right after I gave him a blow job and she was like "what are you kids doing?"

54. Most hilarious sex/masturbation story? bruh my bf and i were trying to fuck and we had to watch his sisters dog (like in the room) and she started trying to sniff his ass it was so fucking funny he jumped off me

55. What kind of porn do you like to watch? I dont really watch porn anymore tbh

56. First type of porn you have ever watched? (ie. lesbian, hentai, threesome) leabian for sure

57. What was the most recent type of porn you have ever watched? What category was it under? uhhh threesome I think

58. Most hilarious/stupidest porn you have ever watched? dude this man had a pizza around his dick and the chicks grandpa deadass had a heartattack and she still rode him

59. Have you ever fantasized over someone older than you? How much older? Younger? How much younger? chris evans tbh (older by a hot second)

60. Favorite sex toy (if any)? I quite like my purple dildo

61. Have you ever had to break up with/divorce someone because you weren't satisfied with their sex? nah

62. Have you ever used anything/gotten any surgeries to improve sexual performance/feel? nope and probably never will

63. If someone you knew asked for a nude image, would you do it? What about a tumblr follower? yes for my boyfriend anytime but not for any of yall sorry

64. Have you ever told someone any wet dreams/fantasies you've had about them? yes my bf is a fan of them

65. Do you like to have sex like they do in pornos? no bc I have real orgasms (finally!!!)

66. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them? yes I tell my bf and we have phone sex at least once a week

67. Are you able to be secretive when you masturbate? (like able to be quiet so no one can hear?) yeah I kinda have to

68. When was the first time you achieved orgasm? when i was 15 I was literally sitting on a closed toilet in my house bc I shared a room at the time w my sister so i had no choice

69. Is there only one way so far that you have been able to achieve orgasm? (ie. only by using toys, only from 1 positon,only from masturbating a certain way) nah I can do clitoral, clitoral/penatrative, and just penetration

70. Favorite type of oral? the kind w his tongue on my pussy?

71. Strangest sexual positon you've tried? havent really done any strange positions

72. Have you ever made up a sexual postion? not that I'm aware of

73. Girls: During sex, vaginal or anal? vaginal i fucking hate anal

74. Girls: During masturbation, clitorial, vaginal, or anal? clitoral

75. Do you like to be dominant or submissive? I love being a whiny sub

76. Have you ever masturbated to someone? yes

77. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn't there when you needed them? god yes that is why I usually masturbate

78. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? yes and absolutely not

79. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial? yes and no

80. Have you ever had sex with someone who wasnt your partner? not while we were dating no, but ive had sex w people who arent him

81. Has any of your partners had sex with someone else? yes

82. Have you ever gotten pregnant? Were they your lover's or someone else's? nope though ive had a scare or two

83. Birth control or condoms? birth control

84. Do you ever masturbate to porn? not really anymore

85. Does anyone know you masturbate? Did you have to tell them? yes and not really?

86. Did your parents ever find out you were sexually active? yup

87. Do you have any STDs? nope

88. Have you ever masturbated to a fictonal character or celebrity? yeah when i was like 15/16

89. Have you ever had sex during "7 minutes in heaven"? nope never even played bc its lame

90. Spit or swallow? Or do you not like oral? I swallow if he cums in my mouth but i love getting it on my faceeee

91. Have you ever been rejected for sex? Have you ever rejected someone else? nope and yes

92. Do you have someone who said they are willing to take away your virginity if you havent lost it by a set age or if you just want to have a good time? no

93. Have you ever experimented with the opposite sex? yes

94. When you first lost your virginity, was it intended or spontanious? intended bc thats the only way we ever had sex unfortunately

95. Has anyone ever walked in when you were taking a shower with someone? nah

96. Did you ever tell someone once you lost your virginity? yeah I literally called my best friend (current boyfriend)

97. Does your lover know if you have masturbated? yes

98. Does your lover know that you want to have sex with them but cant? yes!! we dont live together and we are constantly horny it sucks!!!!

99. Do you like masturbation? eh

100. (Asker's ask) If i were to ask you if we could have sex, would you say yes? nope sorry

[insarations]

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? oh yes :) but gotta  get me some hot chocolate or blanket

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? usually just a scrap of paper or whatevers close

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i put soy milk and sugar in my coffee....just sugar in tea

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? ya :/ well at least if my mouth is open...I have terrible teeth

6: do you keep plants? no

7: do you name your plants? noo lol

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? painting/drawing/crafting..sometimes writing or poetry

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? very much

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? usually side, sometimes back

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? too many to name

12: what's your favorite planet? hmm...never thought about it strangely. saturn for looks. but mars cause idk..it holds the most possibility

13: what's something that made you smile today? my cats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? uhhh....idk

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! A day on Venus is actually longer than a year on Venus... wrap your head around that ;)

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? ooooh all of them lol but probably lasagna... ooh or alfredo

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? just darker...dark brown or black

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up when i made us play hide n seek in a hotel room and i hid behind a curtain. or when i peed on my friends foot cause she got stung by a jellyfish XD

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I used to :/ I dont' really anymore..probably should

20: what's your favorite eye color? um idk really it depends on the person..I usually like brown or blue. not that green isn't nice but again depends on the person lol

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. ugh I really don't use bags or purses or anything like that much. currently my black vans drawstring

22: are you a morning person? nah, never will be. i'm used to getting up early but still hate it

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? yes..a few people

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? umm i dont think ive broken into anywhere

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i got rid of all my own shoes but the ones ive had a while i wear the most are my black slipon vans

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? mint

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? only she could do it, cant even explain lol

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? more than a few times

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS lol absolutely not all white socks. I like fun patterned socks..especially my vans no shows... sometimes sleep with them on

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. oh gosh dont let me start

33: what's your fave pastry? uggghh too many. recently something amazing I tried... lobster tails from carlos bakery. but really..any pastry lol

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? lots of them. the main one I can think of is a small little grungy horse named Wickee lol...got him at this amusement park called Wickee Watchee... idk where he is atm :/

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? ooooooh yesssss...from time to time

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? 21 pilots

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I mean I like it clean.... but it's messy most the time anyways lol

38: tell us about your pet peeves! ugh so many. the #1 thing probably is when I'm walking like in a store and someone just stops right in front of me..like i'm tryna get somewhere please move haha but otherwise I just had selfish spoiled people and attitudes and people who think they're better than everyone else

39: what color do you wear the most? black and gray

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? um honestly I don't have any jewelry besides my liprings. There is this necklace that was my grandmas but I don't really wear it anymore

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? It's called Pawn by Robin Roseau

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Starbucks. it's amazing. it's life. that is all.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? this girl

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? um hmm on and off lately and I think i'm getting there again...but probably really completely like...last spring

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? as much and often as I can

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. oh you don't want me to do that

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? donald trump. oh food. hahahahah omg. i thought it said thing. hahahaha. i cant even answer now.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? roaches. yes still same. I HATE THEM

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? eh neither like or dislike..rarely ever buy cds never records. But I did recently buy the Gwen Stefani Christmas album ;)

50: what's an odd thing you collect? nothing really odd. oh well.... unique boxes. I guess thats strange lol

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? so many songs.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? uh hmm.. probably the spongebob mocking one lol

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? honestly..dont kill me...no

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? myself XD

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? gotten out of the car and walked a mile home XD

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? just being genuine and truthful and sweet and trying to be funny even if you're not really

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? BEAUTIFUL. I didnt actually listen but I did in my head. BEAUTIFUL SONG

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? uhhhh..... dont really have a group of friends XD

59: what's your favorite myth? hmm too much thinking

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? depends, most the time...the Footprints poem

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? given um...idk I used to get a buncha stuff from the dollar store for my fam every year lol received? a rock from my ex bf -_-

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nah not really a juice person

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? yes organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? yesss....

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? uhhh eh..not for me

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? either calm or sad or sleepy or a combo

68: what's winter like where you live? it's florida. not usually cold. this week is as cold as it gets...low is like 38 but usually it doesnt even get there

69: what are your favorite board games? clue, monopoly is alright too

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? not huge on tea but I like mint, or something fruity like berry or lemon or peach

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? with certain things

73: what are some of your worst habits? leaving drinks or bottles half finished out or like letting my room get messy

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. funny. sarcastic. sometimes an asshole. good time. gorgeous. fun.

75: tell us about your pets! They're two cats, sister, Lamb and Rue...they're 2 and 1/2 years old..and sweet and mischevious and fluffy and soft and cuteeee  and I love them more than anything

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? not really

77: pink or yellow lemonade? dont really like lemonade much but they dont make much a difference to me

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? fanclub :)

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? wrote a song for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white..nah I didnt choose

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. honestly my minds going black lol im tired

82: are/were you good in school? yes for the most part..had my moments but overall good

83: what's some of your favorite album art? so many I could name. coldplays is always really colorful and abstracty. and imagine dragons.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? already have two. want a lot more..too much to name and i dont even know still what all i want

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? nah

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? YAS. many. but first came to mind, Skillets Rise

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Silver Linings Playbook. Paper Towns. Shrek. All the disney movies. Avatar. Wizard of Oz. many more

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? all of them haha... pop art, impressionism, renaissance..just all of it all special in they're own way

89: are you close to your parents? eh idk i cant explain..neither close nor distant. like we live together and talk alot but not really the close relationship as some do..im very different from them

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Knoxville. the city I went to college in... interesting place with lots to do..best of both worlds. beautiful mountains and hills and views. but also the downtown areas are cool..lots of fun stuff

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? going to savannah ga for my bday. not sure where else yet but i'm sure there will be other places. i'd really like to go to phoenix..boston..new orleans..california..portland ugh so many places

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE AF

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just up in a bun which is boring but its too messy and long to put up with lol

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad

95: what are your plans for this weekend? nothing really so far. probably will go to lunch or something with my friend

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? myer briggs- INFJ (advocate) sign- aquarius house- ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? legitimately...like 3 years ago...hated it...too much walking and pain XD

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. ugh sooooooooooo many. pretty much any song by skillet or gwen stefani/no doubt recently..dusk till dawn by sia, new rules by dua lipa... also songs by ben howard..lots of indie stuff

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 into the future... i've already lived my past, and i've made a lot of progress...wanna jump to even more progress hopefully

[widowtracer-week]

Gift for Overlookingtheworld

secret santa for @overlookingtheworld (hey ! i really really hope you’ll like it, i tried to follow your wishlist the best i could, so i hope it didnt get too explicit. anyway, i hope that you enjoy it and that you’ll spend a beautiful christmas eve/day, also i’m sorry if there are any mistakes english isnt my first language. merry christmas !)

Her feet were barely touching the ground as she zipped through the night, panting, leaving nothing but a blue trail behind her. Blood was dripping down her chin, she brushed the back of her hand against her cheek as she turned around, making sure he wasn’t following her. “Fuck”, she tripped, landing on the thick layer of snow covering the streets in this cold December night. 

She knew she should’ve stayed home, she knew it, and still. Somehow she’d thought it was a good idea. After all, it was Christmas Eve, they wouldn’t expect her there. She’d planned everything : all she had to do is to find a way into Talon’s lair, sneak into Sombra’s quarters and look for any kind of information she could gather without alerting the hacker. Well, the last part was probably the trickiest one but she figured since they wouldn’t be here anyway, it would give her some time to find a way to get at least something. And maybe she could even take a look at their quarters, that’d be enough information already. All she had to do was to be careful, and avoid their cameras and sensors, but she already had an idea of their whereabouts, so she wasn’t that worried about getting caught. Plus, it’s not like she had better stuff to do tonight. 

She loved everything about Christmas : the pine tree filling the living room with its very distinct smell, the lights and baubles hanging down its branches, the whole town being slowly covered in snow, the music, the food, everything. But mostly, she loved how it could bring so many people together. As if life had been paused. And god knew she needed it, more than anyone else - breakdown after breakdown, she felt like nothing could prevent her from falling apart once again, if it wasn’t for Christmas. They had everything planned out, they’d spend the evening together at their quarters, Angela and Fareeha would cook for them, and she’d decorate the tree with Hana and Lucio. Then they’d sit in the living room and open their presents, celebrate together, enjoy this one night where they could simply rest, without having to worry about tomorrow. 

And maybe she could even sneak out for a moment, just to meet with her. Nobody would notice. They’d have just this moment together. 

She didnt ask for much, and still, even this one night she couldnt have. 

Talon attacked their headquarters a few days ago, and they werent ready to withstand another push. They didnt last long, and although Talon didnt manage to pass through their forces, they managed to damage them deeply enough for them to draw back. Many had been injured and, obviously, Christmas Eve had been cancelled, most of them needing more than a few days of rest to get back on feet. 

Yet, Lena hadn’t been touched a single time. How come ? Just to think about it made her hate herself even more, and that was probably the reason why she decided to invade Talon’s lair, all on her own, on December 24th. That day, something had kept her from fighting alongside her friends, and that something was the reason why they lost. 

Her hands were buried in the snow, she was sitting there, on the ground, staring at the bloody stains she left after falling. All she could see was a pair of eyes, golden, piercing through the night, through her mind, she shook her head. She couldnt let her distract her again. 

Sneaking into their headquarters wasnt easy, but it wasn’t something Lena “Tracer” Oxton couldn’t do. Once she had found her way into what seemed to be Sombra’s quarters, she’d started looking around for whatever she could find that’d help her and her friends put an end to Talon, once and for all. Obviously, she didnt find anything, which she should’ve expected, knowing the hacker. It was hard for her to admit that the sole reason of her presence here tonight was the fact that she felt guilty for what happened to her team, and she somehow thought that coming to this place and trying to take down the whole Talon organization on her own would be a good idea, and maybe it would work. 

But god knows it was the stupidest idea she’d ever had. 

She realized that the moment she heard his voice. “You’re gonna regret this.” She turned around, seeing nothing but a tall shadow standing in the doorway, and before the thought of running away hit her mind, he pulled his shotguns out and shot her in the shoulder.

And thats how she ended up here, lying on the cold ground, panting, tears slowly streaming down her face as she was trying to recollect herself. She never should’ve gone there on her own, she didnt even know what she was expecting from this. When her friends will learn what she tried to do tonight, they’ll most definitely be the ones to kill her, if Gabriel didn’t already finish the job until then. Thats why she stood up, stumbling around for a second before she started to run again, until she got a sight of the right building, which made her let out a relieved sigh. She slowed down, knowing he wouldn’t have followed her that far anyway, and she entered the building, climbing the stairs until she got to the 6th floor. Lena opened the door, a mixture of sweat, blood and melted snow dripping down her face as she entered her apartment. She took a second to close the door, locking it, before she let herself fall against the dark wood, slowly gliding to the ground, grunting from the pain. 

“Qu’est ce que-…” 

Lena jumped, flicking her head in the direction of the voice. She was there. Standing in front of the patio door, her long, dark hair framing the face she was so scared to see again. She was used to those golden eyes, piercing through her every single time she looked at her - this time, it was different. There was nothing piercing to her gaze, actually, it almost showed something like… concern. 

“Chérie what happened to you ?” It looked like she didnt dare to move. 

“Fuck off… I dont want you here.” she mumbled, lowering her glance, knowing that those golden eyes would make her change her mind if they just as much as stared at her the right way. Silence filled the room, heavy on her shoulders. 

“Those are some very rude words coming out of such a sweet mouth.” She barely heard her approaching, Amélie was just like a cat ; she moved gracefully, her footsteps were light on the wooden ground, her tall silhouette was ripping through the banality of her corridor. 

“Please, just- just get out, alright ? I’m not in the mood to play.” she sighed, grimacing as she tried to stand up. She could feel her heart race both in her chest and her open shoulder, it almost hurt, and she could feel how the world around her started to get dizzy. 

“Je ne suis pas là pour jouer ce soir, chérie” she heard, before her vision started to become blurry, her eyes slowly shutting down, and her head hitting the door once again. The last thing she saw was the silhouette she loved so much growing closer to her, kneeling down next to her bruised self, and only her eyes were glowing that night. 

////////

Amélie and her had this little… game, they loved to play. Nobody knew about it, and nobody would ever know about it, for it was their little secret. Something they shared for quite a while now, and although it was so wrong for them to do that, it was one of the very few moments were everything just… felt right. Talon’s elite sniper was also Talon’s eyes, going from town to town, watching them, following them, when they think nothing can get to them. She spent enough time watching every Overwatch agent, one after the other, through their every day life, and mostly, following them to their places, taking notes of everything that could be important and help them to bring this sickening organization down, once and for all. She did it with Angela, Lucio, Hana, 76, even Reinhardt (it was probably one of the most boring moments in her life, the old man just sat down on his couch and watched those stupid games only elderly people watched on their TV, and most of the time he’d just fall asleep during the first ad break). Then, she started watching Lena. Something about her pattern intrigued the french agent, every day was different, unlike everyone else, she couldnt put a finger on her habits, for she didnt have any. At least, that was what she thought. In reality, Lena had noticed from the very beginning that she was being watched, and used the Widow’s confidence to get around her and find her hiding spots. Until one day, where she confronted her. They fought, and fought, and fought, yet, bullets barely touched their moving bodies, as if they were dancing past each other. And then, it became an habit. Their meetings, their fights. Somehow, both of them needed that, as if they were enjoying every second of it, which they were. None of them knew exactly what brought them together, maybe they were just clinging onto old memories, maybe they were trying to forget them, but still, they met, every other night, on that same roof top, and fought. Some people get to know each other over some coffee, and them ? They fought, danced through the night, and left each other with the biggest smile spread onto their faces. One day, though, a too-well placed shot hit Lena right in the leg, leaving her vulnerable to the enemy sniper. She knew it was just a matter of time before she’d take advantage of the situation to get rid of one of Overwatch’s most efficient troublemaker. After all, the Amélie she once knew was no longer here, replaced by this emotionless silhouette she couldn’t help but admire. Her cold gaze was piercing right through her as she saw her raise the murderous weapon, scope in, Lena closed her eyes and thought to herself, maybe she’ll wake up, maybe none of this ever happened and she was still fighting the demons inside her head, pushing her to think that somewhere inside the Widow’s body, there was still a heart. She heard the shot, her ears were buzzing loudly and she collapsed, pain taking over her body, or at least that was what she thought. As she opened her eyes, she saw her come closer, holding out her hand. 

To this day she still didnt know why Amélie didnt kill her, why she decided to save her instead, bringing her back to her place and taking care of the wound she had left on her leg. After that, she came by every other day, after midnight, to check on her ; changing her bandaid, bringing her some food, taking care of her, everything the old Amélie would do. Lena did all the talking, trying to find out what she was doing here, why she didnt shoot, what pushed her to do the right thing, but she never got any answer out of the woman, instead, she’d just nod, and say a few words in french Lena didnt manage to grasp. After her condition improved, Amélie’s visits slowly decreased in number, but she still passed by once in a while, just to listen to the girl while she talked about her day. Somehow, with everything that had happened between them, Lena felt like she could trust her. After all, she could’ve killed her that day, and still, she didnt. She wouldnt call it a bond, or maybe she did - there was definitely something odd about them but she figured, as long as it went like this, she‘d enjoy every single moment. 

On the battlefield, she usually heard a distinct shot, which wouldn’t touch anybody - instead, it was like a signal, and she took advantage of the mess created by the fight to sneak around the enemy frontlines, to find her way to the snipers spot. Nobody knew about the little game both of them liked to play, they teased each other without giving too much of themselves away, and it was fine like that. It lasted a while, until a few days ago ; they were on their rooftop, again, Lena was sitting on the very edge of the building, staring at the orange sky, and the sun disappearing behind the stone jungle in front of her. Amélie was resting against the wall, behind her. They did this a lot, they didnt talk, they just stared at the sky, and it was already enough. “I’ll never get tired of this, y’know” she whispered. At this exact moment, Overwatch’s headquarters were being attacked by Talon’s members, and Lena wasn’t there to defend it. 

It was the last time they saw each other ever since. 

////////

“Chérie, tu devrais faire plus attention à toi” was the first thing she heard when she woke up. She felt the soft mattress of her bed under her body, and even softer fingers brushing against her forehead, making her shiver. Her skull still hurt, and so did her shoulder, but she noticed how she couldnt move that well, and felt the bandages on her skin. Frowning, she opened her eyes, meeting with this golden gaze she feared so much. If she didnt know any better, she’d probably think it was concern that shined in her eyes.

“What are you still doing here ? I told you to leave.” she mumbled, trying to sit up but her entire body started to scream at her in pain, and Amélie softly pushed her back into the many pillows displayed on her bed. 

“What were you thinking ?” there wasn’t a hint of anger in her voice, instead, it felt like she was genuinely concerned. 

“I dont know. I had to do something.” Lena sighed, closing her eyes again, not wanting to get another glance of the Widow’s face.

“No you didn’t. You were just being stupid.” She had always loved the accent she had when she was speaking, it made every word sound much softer, which made her even more dangerous than she already was. But this time, it was different. 

“I know what you’re thinking, Lena. You wouldn’t have made a difference, believe me.” 

She opened her eyes again, shaken by the sudden anger that filled her mind after those words hit her ears. 

“Are you fucking kidding me ?! What is wrong with you ? Of course i would’ve made a difference, we lost because of me !” 

Amélie shook her head, leaning back, her hands resting on her lap. 

“You are being stupid, ma chérie. Don’t underestimate Talon, they would’ve hurt you if you’d been there. You should thank me.” 

Suddenly, silence filled the room. It felt like it lasted an eternity, before she finally gathered the strength to sit up, grimacing from the pain, before she looked her straight in the eyes. 

“You knew. You knew, didn’t you ?” 

Again, silence. They stared at each other, both of them were waiting for the other to break the silence.

She finally nodded. 

“You… Why did you do that ? I… I could’ve been there, i could’ve helped them..!” Slowly the realization hit her, she didnt know if it was the pain, or the fact that she had been tricked by the one person she really trusted, but tears started to stream down her face, dripping down her chin, wetting her sheets. 

“It is not what it looks like. You don’t understand.” 

Lena shook her head, brushing her hands against her cheeks. 

“Then what is it ?! What is it, tell me !” 

Another silence. 

“TELL ME!”

Amélie stood up, without a word, and left the room, closing the bedroom door behind her. 

She couldnt believe it. 

“I trusted you !” she tried to shout, but her voice barely filled the room, and she was left there, wondering. How stupid could she be ? Seconds passed, it felt like hours, she stayed there, sitting on her bed, her mind suddenly as empty as her bedroom, she barely reacted when the door opened again. Amélie walked in, holding the door open. 

“Please. Just come.” 

She knew she shouldn’t follow her, she knew she shouldn’t trust her, but her bruised body still managed to get out of bed, slowly walking forward, using the wall as a support. The tall woman reached out and grabbed her hand, helping her as much as she could, gently holding her so she wouldn’t lose her balance. As she walked into the living room, Lena’s eyes started watering. She didnt recognize her apartment  anymore ; next to the tv was a small pine tree, bloody red baubles hanging down its branches, decorated with tinsels and little light bubbles. She could barely hear the soft music in the background, there was a box sitting on the small table in front of the couch, wrapped in a beautiful red paper, snowflakes shining on it. She just stood there, in awe, unable to say anything. 

“Come.” she heard, and Amélie pulled on her hand, bringing her to the couch, making her sit down before taking a place next to her. Her cold hands were still wrapped around hers, and she was glancing at her someway she never did before. 

“Yes, i knew. I didn’t want you to get hurt so i kept you with me.“ 

Before she managed to say something, Amélie continued. 

“I know this… Christmas party was important to you. I’m sorry.” She knew she wasn’t really sorry about what happened to her friends, after all, they had always been enemies, she probably celebrated their victory later on that day. But still, something about her was so different tonight, she couldn’t help but think that all of this was sincere. 

“You have every right to be mad at me. I understand. But keep in mind that i did it to protect you.” 

She finally gathered the courage to answer. 

“Why would you even do that ?” 

Amélie stared at her for what felt like an eternity, before she grew closer to the girl, her grip slightly tightening on her hands as their lips met in what seemed to be the most cruel, and beautiful kiss she could ever dream of. She hated how much she enjoyed it, how every inch of anger had immediately been replaced by nothing but this soothing feeling tightening her chest. Her cheeks were burning as their lips finally parted, she tried to remain calm but her heavy breath betrayed her. 

“You can’t do that…” she whispered, but Amélie’s fingers met with her cheeks, brushing softly against her skin before she slowly pulled her back into another kiss, much softer this time. As they parted again, Lena tried to say something but she cut her off. 

“S’il te plait. Fais moi confiance.” 

She didn’t know what she just said, but she suddenly stopped caring, and as leaned forward to kiss her again, it was almost as if she couldn’t feel the pain in her shoulder anymore, as if she finally found the bandaid she needed. 

“Let me make it up to you.” she felt her cold breath against her lips as she spoke, hypnotized, she tried to be mad but she wasn’t, she couldn’t. Instead, she felt how her heart was racing inside her chest, almost as if it was trying to free itself from its ribcage, trying to meet with hers. She nodded, leaning into another kiss, before Amélie pulled back, wearing a very subtle smile. 

“Here.” 

Lena frowned, reaching for the gift she was handing her, wondering. 

“I… I dont know, wh-“

“Just open it.”

She waited a second, hesitating, before carefully ripping the paper off, revealing a simple white box. She opened it, and her eyes started watering again. 

“You…”

////////

She remembered it. It was years ago, they were sitting there, at a table inside of Gérard’s little castle, Amélie was looking through some magazines while talking to Lena about french fashion. “We french ladies know how to dress. We have the best ‘couturiers’ in the world, believe me.” They used to hang out a lot, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. She loved spending time with Amélie, simply hearing her brag about french fashion was enough to make her happy. She leaned over to look at the magazine she was holding, suddenly shouting. “Oh my god !” She pointed at a jacket, aviator style, made of brown leather and wool, eyes shining in excitement. “That’s the jacket I’ve always wanted !” Amélie just laughed. “See ? French fashion is the best. Maybe you’ll get it for Christmas, who knows ?” 

A few months later, Amélie shot her husband right in the head.

They never made it to Christmas. 

////////

She took the jacket out of the box, her fingers gliding across the soft leather. She remembered. 

“Joyeux Noël, chérie.” 

“Je t’aime”

[bartsugsy]

So you think Robert was attracted/lust for Rebecca is why he slept with her? I don't agree at all It not about her he not attracted to her

Nooooooope not what I said at all. Not even slightly. I’ve never once said that anon. I said he has issues understanding how to be faithful - even to Aaron. I think I phrased that wrong though - it’s more that he has an unconventional way of thinking about it??? That probably requires a lot more fuckin open conversation than he’s ever given it if it were to continue?????

I think with Chrissie, he just had no regard for her feelings and was more out to have a good time regardless, and then he obviously started a whole affair with Aaron and fell in love with him.

With Aaron, it’s more… ok it revolves around Robert’s understanding of how he uses sex - there’s sex with Aaron, who he loves, who he is emotionally intimate with. And then there’s flirting, kissing and ultimately sex that can be used as a means to an end - as a way to accomplish a goal? And to Robert, those are different things. So even when he’s cheating on Aaron, or doing something that Aaron wouldn’t want him to do, aside from the eventual one night stand, in his mind those things are completely separate from his relationship with Aaron because they’re not an expression of love or intimacy - in his mind the idea that there’s any comparison is hilariously absurd and so he himself doesn’t necessarily see it for what it is, or see it as particularly bad, because those actions are so much less than what he has with Aaron? I mean - he does see it as wrong (if he didn’t he’d be more open about it) but he doesn’t see it as…. like I don’t think, to him, it’s a sign that he loves Aaron any less? Because in his mind nothing can compete???? There’s his love for Aaron and then there’s everything else. It’s ridiculous and he’s an idiot ok, but I just…. this is what I’m always left thinking, when I think about this.

Here’s my reasoning behind this - let’s just go step by step through the instances in which Robert has physically cheated on Aaron:

The first Robert/Rebecca kiss:

this is the stupidest kiss because it makes no fuckin sense to me but hey - it supports my theory. We have Robert kissing Rebecca as a way to prove he’s not into her. He’s spent the days since her return flirting with her, which we know is to butter her up to try and get her to betray her family and help Andy. He hasn’t explained this part to Aaron, conveniently, but he has told him he brought her back and got her to slap him lmao.

ANYWAY, he eventually kisses her bc she keeps trying to get him to and then is immediately like “oh bless ty for proving to me that i only ever want to kiss Aaron for the rest of my life I’d rather not sleep with u I am a loyal person now because I’ve found the person I want to be loyal too xoxo” and then goes off, literally buys Aaron a ring and makes out with him in the pub hallway. Insane. Anyway, it was a means to an end (it should have done absolutely nothing to help him win Rebecca over but it turns out Robert knows her better than I do and understood that a little thing like “I feel nothing for you” would never stop Rebecca White) - it was a way for Robert to prove to himself that he had no desire to cheat on Aaron emotionally. Which. I guess. He didn’t. Sigh.

Naturally, everyone cheats as a way to prove they’re never going to cheat.

Why were we surprised this marriage ended in a surprise baby again?

Anyway.

I remember when this stuff was first airing and I made a post (that probably ended up in my drafts bc all my controversial meta at that time ended up in my drafts) that said that Robert seemed to be pushing the boundaries of how far he felt he could take things with Rebecca while still being loyal to Aaron in a way that sat right with him internally and that he was taking himself further and further out of his own comfort zone - and that it would all inevitably blow up in his face. (ok this doesn’t sound controversial but it was controversial at the time lmao) I stand by that even with hindsight, I think. It just throws up interesting questions about where Robert’s own personal moral boundaries are and how they might differ to another persons - Aaron’s in particular - especially without any open and clear conversation to Aaron to go alongside it. And the post also said that Aaron’s presence in Robert’s life complicated things because pre-Aaron, Robert would hella just sleep with Rebecca. Now in this age of needing to draw a lot firmer lines because Aaron is someone to consider, he was sort of… struggling to adapt a little, and floundering.

ANYWAY MOVING ALONG

The Second Rob/Rebecca Kiss:

So, obvs Rob is hella over helping Andy now, Andy who, he’s spotted an opportunity to make money and he’s gonna take it 🙌🏼 monay monay monay monayyyy (monayyyyy!)

He’s leading Rebecca on and doing his flirty thing blah blah and she kisses him and he kisses back but is then like UH NOT RIGHT NOW BABE HAHAHA whilst internally screaming and then he tries to hide it and it all comes out anyway and Aaron is the least surprised and Robert is literally like… LOOK HE BARELY EVEN SAYS SORRY OK

HE’S LITERALLY LIKE AARON HOW IN THE FUCK COULD U EVER BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MEANT THAT PLS HAVE U SEEN U??? MY LOVE FOR U WILL NEVER END ULL ALWAYS BE A PART OF MEEE AS LONG AS TIME KEEPS ON PASSING BY YOULL ALWAYS BE MY BABY BOOOOYYY~~~

HE LITERALLY SAYS TO REBECCA U KNOW I WASNT INTO IT SMH

WHY DOES HE JUST ASSUME EVERYONE INCLUDING REBECCA KNOWS THAT HE IS EMOTIONALLY COMMITTED TO ONLY AARON EVEN WHILE TRYING TO FUCKIN LEAD REBECCA ON WITH HIS MAGIC DICK he’s an absurd man absolutely absurd

HES LIKE AARON IF U KISSED SOMEONE I WOULD IMMEDIATELY BELIEVE U DIDNT ENJOY OR WANT IT it kills me this whole situation kills me but JUST LOOK AT HIM CASUALLY SEPARATING HIS CASUAL PHYSICALITY IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET HIS OWN WAY WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND THE WAY HE IS WITH AARON bc nothing compares to aaron? and that’s just the way the world is, according to robert j sugden.

The one night stand:

OK DIFFERENT BC HE IS USING IT AS A WAY TO HURT AARON BUT LITERALLY IN THE REVEAL HE SAYS AS MUCH AND HE SAYS IT’S EMPTY AND JUST it’s just a pattern ok he just sort of… uses sex as a tool in a lot of ways that come back to bite him and also in ways that he never ultimately seems particularly proud of

But also, it’s at least occasionally implied, in ways that work out really well for him - I think it just worked out better before Aaron came along and he had a reason to not fuck around? And reconciling those two things has proved an interesting challenge for him?

One that he has essentially failed so far lmao.

This whole post is so excessively OTT and i haven’t even gone into enough detail and obvs we could talk about rob flirting with the random lady ahead of the January fight too and his insistence that flirting to get business done is just how things happen aaron chill out son LIKE HE LITERALLY THREATENED TO BREAK UP WITH AARON OVER THAT

we could also talk about his relationships with larry and chrissie and bex in 2014 and before then - and with larry now, but we talk about that enough don’t we

Anyway, this is fascinating to me and slightly sad and I think it also fits the classic “depraved bisexual” trope if I’m remembering that correctly, but idk

I just don’t think this is necessarily the sex positive ~do what u want live ur life as u want it~ life and more just a ~robert has an interesting view on his worth and how that relates to his physical attractiveness and he seemed a lot more comfortable with that before aaron was in the picture but that still didn’t stop him after aaron did come along it just made things a lot harder and at least in terms of present day it certainly isn’t coming from a place of happiness~

and like i said earlier it makes me want to sit him down and repeat burt hummel’s sex ed speech to him idk

This is the stupidest meta I’ve ever written yw

[mynameusedtobekatie]

Can people please stop bringing up Dumbledore being a little bit shady on EVERY SINGLE post about Snape? Dumbledore is no where near as shitty a person as Snape.

He did some shady shit absolutely but people blame him constantly for things Voldemort did, things that are literally 100% out of his control, and things they just make up.

Dumbledore is the one of the few characters that takes any responsibility for his mistakes and tries to better himself. He founded and led the only resistance against the magical nazis. He discovered the only way to stop Voldemort, endured physical and mental agony to retrieve multiple horcruxes, and taught Harry his thought process instead of just his findings so that Harry would be able to continue his work in the fight FORCED on Harry by Voldemort. Most importantly: HE DID NOT RAISE HARRY LIKE A PIG FOR SLAUGHTER. This statement by Snape is literally the stupidest claim but people genuinely believe it because their precious Snape said it was so!

Let me break it down real simple like:

1.) Dumbledore had no idea when Voldemort would return. Voldemort could have returned when Harry was 58 years old. Would people still claim that Dumbledore raised Harry like a pig to be slaughtered? Probably not. Dumbledore would have done LITERALLY NOTHING different, let Harry learn and grow like every other student, and when he graduated and was oh I don’t know an ADULT he would have told him the horrible shitty truth that is literally in no way Dumbledore’s fault.

2.) Let me reiterate. The only thing Dumbledore did was learn something that was real fucked up. He learned it and didn’t know how to tell a CHILD. Yup. Dude’s Satan. So Dumbledore learns that Voldemort can literally never die unless he first kills Harry. Totally Dumbledore’s fault and not Voldemort’s. *eye roll* Dumbledore knows this information and decides, say let’s NOT tell the 12 year old. Let’s instead let him attend the school like the rest of the students and have a (somewhat) normal life.

3.) The only problem is that people are literally trying to murder this poor boy. So he protects him. This is my favorite part because Snape gets pissed that they spent all this time protecting Harry just for him to die by Voldemort’s hand... like if he was gonna die they should have just let it happen year 1 am I right??? That’s great logic fam. “I mean that kid has cancer so I just let the truck hit him. I wasn’t gonna save him just so he could die next year!” People legit hate Dumbledore for PROTECTING HARRY because he knows he’s going to die someday or Voldemort could literally never be stopped. Dumbledore knew Harry would have to sacrifice himself one day. Wasn’t his fault. Wasn’t Harry’s fault. Spoiler alert! Dumbledore would have protected Harry even if he DIDNT know Harry was a horcrux! Hard to believe I know...

4.) Ah nuts Voldemort returned and Harry is still a young teenager! Not Dumbledore’s fault. Now he realizes that if Voldemort wants to he can look through Harry and potentially possess him or use him to get to Dumbledore. So he shuts Harry out. He figures if Voldemort thinks Harry has no real connection to me he won’t use Harry to get to me! And he’s right! But he’s also wrong. Because Harry feels isolated and alone and he becomes vulnerable and he IS used. And Dumbledore screwed up and he ADMITS IT. And APOLOGIZES for it. And he remedies it. He says Harry it ain’t your fault you’re in this shit and it ain’t my fault but by god I’ll help you get ready for it! And he tells him everything except one little thing. Because Harry is still not an adult. And telling a FUCKING TEENAGER that he can only stop magical hitler by sacrificing himself isn’t exactly easy.

5.) Here’s a big one. I’m going to use caps again. DUMBLEDORE DID NOT KNOW THAT HARRY WAS A HORCRUX UNTIL HARRY WAS AT LEAST 12 YEARS OLD. Yes that’s right. And even then HE WASNT SURE UNTIL AFTER VOLDEMORT RETURNED. Dumbledore suspected horcruxes after he had the ruined diary in his hands. Harry was 12. How the fuck he “raising Harry for slaughter” before he knew Harry was a horcrux? He was still figuring this shit out up until the day he died! Slughorns memory was so important because Dumbledore DID NOT KNOW FOR SURE if it was all horcruxes or some other fucked up dark magic or how many Voldemort might have tried to make. Yet people genuinely believe that Dumbledore knew from the day Harry was born that he was going to have to sacrifice himself.

6.) So back to before his death he teaches Harry everything he knows about stopping Voldemort. He lets Harry figure it out on his own by showing him the pieces and making Harry work it out. He learns at the same time. He has not forced Harry into this fight. VOLDEMORT forced Harry into the fight and Dumbledore knows that Harry needs help. Because he’s a fucking teenager still. And he leaves it to Snape to tell Harry because Dumbledore will die before Harry is an adult and maybe Harry can live a little bit longer and finish his last year at Hogwarts before being burdened with the shitty truth that he’s a horcrux. Dumbledore died before Voldemort got control. He didn’t know. Maybe Harry had years left before his sacrifice.

7.) Sacrifice. Harry made the choice. And sure Harry was always going to make that choice. You can say “not much of a choice though!” And sure. But please tell me how much of a choice Dumbledore had in this matter then. Dumbledore taught Harry about horcruxes and believed it better to not burden him with such a shitty non-choice until the last possible moment. Maybe that was wrong. But don’t try and say that Dumbledore made Harry do anything. Dumbledore taught Harry everything and he gave Harry the choice in the end. It had to be Harry’s choice. And it was. VOLDEMORT did this. Dumbledore simply knew.

So here the question for people that believe Dumbledore raised Harry like a pig for slaughter. What should he have done? Told Harry at 12 or 14 or whenever he was sure Harry was a horcrux that he had a racist murdering maniacs soul inside of him that would keep said maniac alive forever until Harry sacrificed himself? Made Harry’s choice for him and refused to ever tell him the truth so he could never sacrifice himself? Raise Harry like a child soldier with the sole purpose of destroying Voldemort (you know ACTUALLY treat him like a pig raised for slaughter)? Force Harry to live in the muggle world his entire life?

Since letting him come to Hogwarts as a child growing and learning and making friends like every other student, helping him when needed, protecting him from people after his life, treating him like every other student until Voldemort returned, trying to protect him from Voldemort and when that fucked everything up owning up to it and apologizing, and teaching him about Voldemort’s past and helping him work things out on his own to be able to fight in the fight forced upon him by Voldemort makes Dumbledore such a shitty person apparently...

That’s the end of my rant. I want to say. Dumbledore really fucked up by not checking on Harry prior to Hogwarts and intervening when he was literally being abused. (This and not doing legitimate checks on his professors behavior *cough* letting Snape abuse children *cough*) Mrs. Figg did a horrible job watching Harry and Dumbledore obviously felt that leaving Harry to his family was going to work out without making sure everything was ok. It wasn’t. Get mad at Dumbledore for never checking on Harry at the Dursley’s but NOT for shit that was Voldemort’s fault or for shit that was out of his control or really fucking difficult to deal with like learning that a child has a piece of Voldemort’s soul inside of him. Dumbledore always tried to do the right thing. He cared about the innocent and fought magical nazis because THEY WERE FUCKING MAGICAL NAZIS.

He did a lot more good than anything else. And when he was a little shady it was typically because he was TRYING TO STOP MAGICAL NAZIS and you can’t always do that with sunshine and honesty.

[saintkimora]

well i finally found time to type this all up so! here is the story of how last last friday and saturday night went (not the ones from this weekend but the weekend before so like a week and a half ago). it isnt really a nice story but it is significant. first part is tristan then joel then tristan again, the tristan parts are good but the joel part is pretty bad. this is only part 1 btw! sorry @ that one anon a few days ago bc this might make you even more mad lmao

first part: tristan! so on friday i was in the library holding an online eboard meeting for gsa and tristan (the first guy i talked to for a while then hooked up with like 2 years ago and last christmas eve) was apparently studying in nexus which is the building next door to the library. and he sent me a snap (it was clearly the type you send to a lot of people it wasnt like an individual one) of him captioned i hate studying so i sent him one saying i hate planning events bc thats what i was doing. so we snapped back and forth for a while and then the library closed so i was leaving and he was like “come say hi to me in nexus” so i was like ok! 

so i went and sat across the table from him and we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice! hes v good to talk to but our conversation dynamic was kinda similar to me and joel’s dynamic so that was interesting. he called me my voice cute at the beginning bc i was like “sorry if i sound weird im a little congested today” and he was like “no you sound like you always do, its cute” so i was like hm so then we talked and caught up and it was very good conversation! then at one point after asking how i was in general he was like “so how are you doing....romantically” and i told him how i was with someone rn but i was kinda having some issues and he was like oh ok and i asked him and he said hes looking but its hard bc people keep ghosting him so i was like aw :/ (but on the inside i was like well thats what you get for ghosting me all those years ago lmao) 

also at one point i told him i go to the gym now so i have a little bit of muscle and he was like “yeah haha sure” and i was NOT about to take that so i was like “i can show you right now if you want” (i was wearing a tank and a zip up hoodie) so i took off one hoodie sleeve revealing my arm and i flexed and he was shook he was like “oh wow you werent kidding, thats actual progress” and i was like ha

after an hour and a half he had to go meet his friends or something so i went home. overall it was super nice! i loved talking to him so later that night i just sent him a nice text thanking him for spending time w me and saying how much i enjoyed it and then he thanked me for keeping him company and said he really enjoyed catching up so that was nice! then later that night things took a turn for the worst.....

so at this point it was friday night and joel and i were texting as usual, we were having a nice convo and were making jokes and what not. then after i asked about his day he texted me this “its fine but i just got another fucking email from slut A and im over it” and i was like “slut A......” and he was like “fucking tinamarie” (the girl who always causes trouble for his theatre club that gets him really pissed off even though it really isnt that serious) and i was like “yeah i figured but did you really need to call her that” and he was like “if youre literally gonna criticize every single word i say then im just gonna stop talking” so then i apologized like 3 times but he left me on read and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night

so! the second i read that final text i had like......a panic attack? or something? idk but it was a mess i got soooooooo cold instantly like i put on sweats socks a hoodie and 2 blankets and i was still trembling and my teeth were chattering so hard i couldnt even talk bc it just came out as gibberish and my toes were numb and my heart was beating fast and you know all that good stuff. i texted several hunties but none of them answered so i decided to text tristan! he was v nice and he comforted me and talked me through it which i appreciated. but like getting that text reminded me so much of the texts i would get from caleb so it just made all those feelings come rushing back and it was v overwhelming but i wasnt about to call joel about it bc he was already mad at me and i was scared i was gonna make it worse

about an hour later i sent him a long text saying how sorry i was bc he wanted to vent to me and i shut him down when i shouldve just taken his side and stuff bc i wanted to try to fix the situation. half of it was lies though like i was not sorry for what i did at all bc he should not be calling this tinamarie girl that! he didnt read that text until the next morning but even after he didnt respond. he was def still awake when i sent it though bc i saw him active on fb messenger slightly afterwards. anyways the next day tristan texted me again to check on me and see if i heard from joel which i hadnt by that point but i really appreciated that he went through the effort of doing that! joel and i had plans to go to the mall that day so i texted him around 4pm (this is saturday now) saying i hope his auditions went well and asking if he wouldve still liked to go to the mall w me. he said he wasnt feeling up for it bc hes tired and i was like not up for the mall or not up for me and he was like just the mall, you can come over instead. so i went over and brought him popeyes bc he was hungry and we hung out and watched dragula and talked and it was like a completely normal day so i was a little surprised he didnt bring up the events of last night. so like 3 eps into dragula s1 i asked him if he could pause it so we could talk so he did and this is where things got worse

so i was like “so....how are you feeling about what happened last night?” and he was like “well it was fucking annoying because i wanted to vent to you and you tried to school me, im already socially conscious, i know its wrong but it was the first thing that came to mind at the time” and i was like “well if you are mad at a woman and your first instinct is to call her that then that might be a problem” and he was like “can i be a fucking human?” like ???????????????? the STUPIDEST excuse like that makes no sense! you can be human without saying misogynistic things like.....annoying. he just had soooo many excuses he was like “oh its ok bc i would never actually say that to her face” like...ok great to know that being socially conscious is just a performative thing for you! if you only do it in public but are still problematic in private then like...whats the point

he was also like “it may seem like a small issue that isnt important to you but her emails are actually a huge problem. YOU wouldnt know since your organization isnt as involved, but her actions affect every area of the organization so its stressful to deal with her” like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeee we go again idk why he always tries to drag my gsa for no reason. i didnt even say he couldnt be stressed or angry with her i just said he shouldnt call her what he did! 

so now for when it got personal. so i told him i was like “i know you were mad and wanted to cool off so i wasnt gonna force you to talk to me, but it wouldve been nice if you just sent me a text like ‘oh perry im mad and dont wanna talk rn, i need some space ill talk to you later’ instead of just ignoring me for the rest of the night” and he was like “well i didnt have time i had too much going on with the organization” and i was like “i mean it takes 10 seconds to send a text” and he was like “well i didnt want to” OH so now the truth comes out! and then he was like “i was already stressed out with the email so then its like ‘oh now i have to deal with perry too’” and like..............that was really hurtful bc literally the main reason i rarely ever bring up any issues i have to him is bc hes already so stressed with everything else and i want to be a source of happiness in his life not another source of stress so im afraid to bring things up bc i dont want to add to his stress and be another thing that he has to “deal with” so like, he literally vocalized the exact reason im afraid to talk to him about these things so its just confirmed my suspicions and now i feel even worse about bringing up any issues i have with him 

i didnt tell him about the panic attack yet but i did say “well i mean im sure you can tell i was upset, since i sent you a long ass apology text an hour after the convo ended. and if it was the other way around and i knew you were upset about something i said i wouldve dropped everything and called you right away to fix the issue” and he said.............. “well im not gonna prioritize you” like.... !!!!!!!!!!!!! ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great! we already knew i was at the bottom of his priority list but at least now he basically admitted it :/ i was just like well ok

that is the end of part 1 bc im splitting up this post lol

[littleglassheart]

Fear

I see my Therapist today and it is definitely long overdue!  I’m actually happy that I finally get to see her.  

She makes a lot of valid points but the one that I’m thinking about right now is... a lot of things that I’m afraid of are so big in my mind but in reality, they aren’t that big of a deal!  What this means to me? Because obviously she said it better... is that I ignore a lot of things, like my health, moving, bills, etc because I’m afraid of it.  I just ignore them all together because I am afraid to know the truth.  The reason she said this to me is because I have an issue with overspending and not budgeting my finances.  The reason I do this is because its easier to ignore and hope its there, then actually look and see how much we have.

She made a great point... is it really as big as my mind thinks it is?  This post was triggered because I wanted to go into my bank account and then got too scared to do it.  If i wasn’t so afraid of it, then maybe i could learn to save better.  Feelings are powerful but they aren’t dangerous.

Sometimes our thoughts and emotions aren’t the truth.  I get cringy even with my husband.  

She mentioned is the reason I’m cringy is because he’s male?  I mean truthfully, I’m like that with my mom to.  So i know its not just cause of males.  But... at the same time, I don’t like any kind of attention from men either.  I don’t know... Natalie seems to think its because of my past.  But honestly, I still haven’t been able to emotionally connect the two.

In my mind.. I truly believe that the stuff from my past doesnt affect me now.  But what if it does and I’ve suppressed it so well and so deeply that I just dont know how much it does bother me.  I dont know.. but I hope that time will tell me the answers.

Be aware of an emotion without judging it.  Just think thats interesting.

If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...

Like holding back the ocean.

I’m afraid of feeling.  I have been numbed for awhile.  

I think this all really started about 7 years ago.  Right when Bill moved in with me and my mom and step dad.  I think I’ve always been numb to my feelings but it was at least manageable.  I was loving, kind, happy, engaged in life, had a good social life.. it wasn’t perfect but it was manageable.  The past was manageable.

There was a defining moment when I think my heart became numb.  Poor Bill.  Innocent, kind, sweet Bill moves in around the same time I find out my step dad is cheating on my mom.  My mom didnt have anywhere to turn or how to deal with her own feelings so she took it out on me.  She’s always had an anger problem but it hasn’t been since high school that she was really ruthless.  Her 20+ marriage was going downhill fast and my step dad was gone for days at a time.  He lied his ass off and my mom was in severe denial.  She lived this fake persona as if she believed all his bullshit but i knew in my heart she knew better.  She just didnt want to face it.  So instead she’d get angry with me over the stupidest shit or for things I had nothing to do with. The longer my step dad was gone- the angrier and out of control my mom would get.  She would say the worst, horrible, foul things you could possible imagine.  She screamed at the top of her lungs.. literally scream, like someone was cutting her open or trying to kill her.  And all that screaming and anger was directed at me and while it was easier to cry it out and move on when it was just the two of us, something about Bill seeing and hearing it for himself literally killed me.  Every time she called me fat or worthless or bitch or threw something at me, a little piece of me died.  I couldnt protect him.  I felt severe shame, heartbreak, loss, major trauma from this and to make it worse?  I was being beaten up by my mom (not physically) for all the pain she was feeling from my step dad but at the same time, keeping the biggest secret of my life that I knew would send her over the edge.  So I was defenseless in so many ways and yet I couldn’t tell her that I knew he was cheating.  It was a lot to handle.  A lot.  

What i said just wrote to my husband

Remember when we lived on Horatio and my mom would loose her mind and scream at me.  Like literally scream.  Saying awful, horrific things to me at the top of her lungs and slamming shit? Remember in the beginning I would go into the room and sob... i would fall to my knees and sob.  You were so helpless, there was nothing you could do to protect me.  And i knew you wanted to.  I knew when we first started dating and you lived there that you wanted to say something, i remember vaguely times when you first experienced all that fighting that you were angry and I had to beg you not to say anything.  I kept telling you that you would only make it worse.  I think i even threatened you not to.  Like, "oh if you dare confront her I'll leave you" sort of shit.  I might be wrong.  But you knew i was serious about it.  So you never did.  I remember you wanted to.  I feel like I should have let you.  From the very beginning I emasculated you, emasculated as in...  made you keep quiet, stay in the shadows, not say anything... and you didnt.  You did exactly what I asked and maybe that wasn't the right thing to do.  Maytbe i should have but I was so scared of her and I had nowhere else to go and in a new relationship... I was SOOO scared of how she'd react.  Things were hard enough.  And here we are.. years later and one of my biggest gripes I have with you is the fact that you dont stand up for me.  (not an issue right now) but just in the past you know?  And I think back and im like, DAMMM I'm part of why you dont.  I dont know.. i know the reason I am the way I am now is because of what transpired while we were in Horatio and part of Victoria.  The shit that happened with my mom and step dad was unbearable.  She was literally abusive.  And all the while i was hiding this secret because i still wanted to protect her.  Fucking insane.  I have a looooooong ways to go but i'll get there.  Natalie (my therapist) said.. I'm afraid of feeling.  she said... "If i refuse to look at my feelings and keep avoiding feelings, thats when they feel so scary because they are so big.  Everything overflows...  Like holding back the ocean."  She said, "when i get awkward or cringy or weirded out by you or others, its not really you that caused it..." Its all the years of being numb.  Numb to sadness and numb to happiness.  I never thought about it before... but shes right, I dont just fear the bad things, I fear the good to.  I don't like to feel either one.  She really is changing my life.  And here we are, and I dont even want you to respond LOLLL because I dont want to feel the cringe from what you'll have to say.  LOLLLL but i'll get there with time.  I will.