#AND NOW UR RESEARCHING HOW TO KILL 'EM

[raayllum]

confirmation of the karim-callum callum-finnegrin parallels today is my day

[emchante]

good morning em!! hope you're feeling better today :(<3

as for toys... i think softcore porn streamer!max is a slut for cock rings and nipple clamps of some sort- HOWEVER he is intrigued by prostate massagers and really wants to do a hands-free session with that👀 and ofc it's readers idea hehe. just imagine him getting all whiny and sweaty after edging for what feels like an eternity-

and as for getting high with him? lazy, stoned sex with max is the best. he absolutely LOVES fucking in missionary, making out while fucking gets him going. and seeing readers face and hearing their moans while he's making them feel good? game over. he'd have to hold back to not cum too fast-🤭

every time you give me these silly ideas i feel like i'm doing a power point presentation to the class LMAO

🩵

🩵 ANON HIHII, i thought i had answered this one?! i know this was a few days ago but i am starting to feel a lil better, however cramps are still killing me :( the note at the bottom has me GIGGLINGGG. present your ideas to the whorehouse NOW 🫵

GODDD I LOVE THIS THOUGH!! nipple clamps for SURE, god. and prostate massagers? as soon as you mention the idea he’s not even hiding his interest, asking when the session can be set up. he researched about it that night, went to bed hard at the fantasies of it all.

god though— the sight of him so sweaty and whiny, begging to finally cum. and he’s a good boy! so he won’t until you say!! and god it’s a delicious sight. nonnie this image is reminding me of my dream from last night and i’m blushing all over again good lord..

GODDD HIGH SEX WITH HIM?? THE IMAGERY?? NONNIE UR KILLING ME!! 🫣🫣 maybe he even does a stream high, he’s a little more relaxed but god is he hornier, more filth escapes him and his dirty mouth. he’s lucky his camera cuts off at his stomach that stream, because he was palming himself for over half of it. tos would have gotten his ass.

and maybe then.. that’s how you bring up the idea of getting high together ;)

[highlighter-goblin]

I’m back to finish explaining Dandy’s world(bc it’s my fav game rn)

The only things left to cover areeee

Voting,

Dandy’s shop,

Items,

Trinkets,

Twisteds,

And how to buy toons!

1.Votes

Sometimes when you enter the elevator after completing a floor, three options will pop up on the bottom of the floor. You and ur team who r in the elevator, you click on it, and then ur teams votes go in and u get ur thing

Usually it’s an overall stat boost, like plus 10 to ur stamina bar or if ur hurt u gain 1 heart back (u only get 3 so) and sometimes it gives you the option to get tapes.

Which leads me to,

2.Dandys shop.

But usually when you enter the elevator the stinky evil flower man will appear at the back with 3 items for sale. If you don’t buy from him for 6 floors(not counting the floors u get voting instead) he’ll appear as a twisted and chase u down.

He is the only one that can one shot you. So be prepared.

Now how to buy form him:

You’ll find tapes on the floor during rounds, and when u pick them up it adds to ur overall number

Beat the floor, see if he pops up, and buy from him if u like the items he has.

3.Items

Basically any normal in game items, temp stat boost, things to help machines quicker, and like med kit/band-aids.

4. Trinkets

Actually (surprisingly) very different form items

You equip them before the rounds and they will add a stat boost or something like that

You get them from completing research on different twisted versions of the toons.

You get research(which also doubles as the in game currency) by picking up capsules of Ichor form the floors. When you get 100% on a toons twisted, you get their trinket.

5.Twisteds

The evil versions of the toons you play as that run around the floor and try to kill you. Some have different ways they attack, I’d recommend watching a video on it :)(that’s a good idea maybe I should make a video on that-)

6.Buying toons!

Before you enter the rounds there’s a diff dandy shop, talk to him and find a toon you wanna buy for your play style! Finish all of the requirements for them, and buy em :)

And i think that’s all! If you wanna do a test run with me, I’ll message u my username :)

Oh cool! Only thing is despite how much I love horror I am a huge wuss when it comes to jump scares and stuff so I don’t know how I’ll cope.

What I’m really interested in however is *matpat voice* THE LOOOREEE

[unablethethird]

60. how are you?

3- yeah but I think it's more of the thought of them than their actual self 4-Going to university and studying psychology 5-my frens/moots 6-My bad memory is both a blessing and a curse, but with the power of forgetting comes the guilt of not remembering

7-genuinely think it was the worst year of my life lol, i can't imagine going through that again 8-Yeah, i cry easily in general lol 9-Does my sister count 10-Very, mostly because my base facial expression is :| so unless im trying hard to mask, or you know me well, you will not know lol 11- Nope, i forgot to put it on but im wearing my headphones 12-To wake up as a random cis boy 13- a little scared/paranoid, but distracting myself with tumblr

15- No self awareness, bad memory, smart dumbass, irresponsible, cringe, sincere, accomadating, i will yap for 100 years or not at all, no inbetween 16-I mean, hasn't everyone 17-They suck to have but they exist and i think its normal to have one thing ur insecure about [as long as you don't obsess over it] 18-Kind of? Like if i could choose different options. But if i couldnt choose then HELL NO 19-nope 20-

21- 14, 27/11/2009 [dd/mm/yyyy] 23- my friends hating me, forgetting, never being okay 24-166cm

25-My friends, not even joking 26-again, my friends 27- feeling negative feelings, people being assholes for no reason, my memory 28-If you're my friend and your vibe isnt bad 29- The lorax 30-Hazbin/murder drones 31- A) The epidermis can't bleed, it has no blood vessels B) Hitler was high for most of WWII C) Theres proof that hitler might have been a closseted gay [and killed people to hide it] Bonus fact: snakes smell with their tongues 32) Used to be mainly guys but im at a single sex school so its girls now 33) To play anything cool, to say no 34) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 35) Sport 36) A) be a psychologist B) Be a good,happy human C) make my frens happy

37)idk much about acting but that beetlejuice guy is cool as heck 38) Im a basic bitch but john mullaney 39) I love playing all sports, but my favorite is either dodgeball or basketball [this does not mean im good at them though /silly] 40) me and my old family friends would phsycially fight for fun a lot, and so one day as our parents took us to the park, we went on a big hill and we started fighting eachother, and it was a 3 on 1 [well, yeah my sister was there but she didn't fight and all she did was run, so nobody went after her], and i still fucking won, the self esteem boost was crazy

41) *insert joke about me and fictional character* 42) Girl in pieces, i have never not cried when reading it 43) I cant choose 44) i dont talk to people so idk 45)

49) The arcade, playing pump it up 50) that'd dox em and i dont have pics of my moots 51) Sag 52) im kinda good at reading intentions 53) 1-frens 2-music 3-Fanfiction 4-psychology 5-research 54) if i say it i'll get more anxious lol 55) moots=frens 56) Cheese 57)Foxes!!! Especially red or black ones 58) Their username starts with Z, their pfp shows their oc underwater, and they have a don :3 59) I needed to read a fancomic on undertale but i had to make an account

[hunniebunniebear]

The Magnus Protocol!!!

Sixth ep review!!

NEEDLES!! I got to meet needles! I’ve been very excited to meet them since @notatreebutaleaf said I’d like em, and they were right!! What a lil guy! I love to bits that they kill via hugs that’s amazing. Now what’s interesting is their reaction to fear. I’ve noticed that a couple of the figures in cases with more agency seem to go out with the intention of making things happen. Making fear happen. Are these avatars feeding? On fear specifically? Even over the phone Needles could tell when they were scaring the operator, could they actually feel it? As you can tell, very fond of this case. I loved that you could hear the second (or final?) embrace. I’m almost positive we’ll hear more of them. Its very interesting that these seperate calls managed to be grouped together

Nice to meet Celia as well!! She seems very friendly which I’m both suspicious of and happy abt. I like their little office community. Gwen seems preoccupied, presumably by her research and Bless Sam, I’ve been there working when ur body wants to sleep is a task n a half.

I catch myself wondering how long Alice has worked there. I’m so convinced that, subconsciously, she knows something more is happening. And I’m taking her biccy hiding place as confirmation she’s tall, no one can convince me otherwise! Maybe Sams right, the job has made her morbid.

PREV | NEXT

[lif3isstrange]

Ask gameeeeeee 🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖 (for research purposes this emoji needed to be used 🧐)

1. 14 and it sucked because of all the stigma around autism. People make it seem like this awful thing and that you’re just a fancy word for dumb, then I moved on but got upset because I felt like I was being a burden on everyone with my picky eating and sensory meltdowns but my psychiatrist said ‘don’t be angry at yourself for the way you are, be angry with the world, it’s the worlds fault for not fitting with you, not the other way around’. I was like damn she’s worth the money 🥳

2. I am in the people I live with so they all just think I bring up autism as an excuse and I’m really just a ‘spoiled brat’ 😍 my mum refuses to learn anything about autism at all and my sister said stimming was disgusting and sounded ‘sexual’ ?! My dads quite sus tho with the autism symptoms but doesn’t know how to deal with it🤨

3. I have adhd aswell so they both love to conflict 🥰, my autism thrives in routine but my adhd loves chaos, my autism wants to be quiet and focused and my adhd wants to look at how the tree kinda looks like that one from two years ago and loudly blab about something uninteresting to others 😟 it’s a lot to handle but I wouldn’t be as cool without em both so 😎

4. Yes but extremely confused and can’t be bothered to figure it out 🤩

5. That it isn’t our fault and we don’t do destructive things on purpose, we do it to try and display our feelings because we can’t really be verbal and calmly talk about them when we’re focused on how bright the lights are and how horrible and itchy our clothes start to feel. We need more time to adjust with change and so people need patience etc. many people even parents fail to understand what asd is like 🫡

6. Yes but only with another autistic so they got the sensory meltdowns but they were a bad person and liked their computer a lot more than me 💀 I love relationships as I am a very loving person and feel the need to share it but relationships are hard and extremely emotionally challenging plus I don’t trust men much anymore 😵‍💫

7. The adhd tends to come in clutch so I think it’s more my town lacks personality than me. I have a very analytical way where I will find something we are both passionate about and then ramble on about it with them then keep trying to find other things in common and go on etc. I basically treat befriending like a fun cia operation 🥸

8. My special interests aren’t as strong as other peoples but I love the game outlast 2 and the lore of it. There was so much work put into the game and theories how the speakers throughout the game were put a certain hz to brainwash the citizens into the religious insanity and the story behind the entire thing is just chefs kiss 🤌

9. Idk if this counts but probably Jacqueline Wilson books 😭 I bought and read every single book she wrote (my favourite was rose rivers) some of those books were so insane to read but I was such a bookworm. I bought every magazine she put out aswell and collected all the free gifts in them 🤭

10. Kill ur father and don’t listen to anyone bc they’re all evil 😭 I let everyone treat me like garbage and was such a sensitive little baby 😖 if I could go back I’d tell her to set everyone straight and not let anyone mess with me plus to stop being a weirdo 🤓

YAYY I DID IT AND ITS NOW 2AM

IK MY ANSWERS ARENT THAT INTERESTING BUT ENJOY!!! :)

[transmalewife]

HUGE fan of your tick garden post. As a country mfer seeing ignorant city slicker suburb livers (key word ignorant) talk about this shit is so infuriating. My family keeps a low cut lawn because even with our low cut, well maintained grass lawn, we frequently get ticks. Within the past 2 years I've probably pulled 30+ from my body, countless more thoughout my life and as someone who's already disabled I have to get tested for Lyme disease frequently to ensure my symptoms are still from my other issues. Ticks ain't something to dismiss so easily. They are a huge issue. They can be deadly. Are they extremely important to the ecosystem ? Yeah, and that's why we keep em around and why we use bug sprays n shit when we venture into their home. Talking about biodiversity lawns without touching the topic of ticks irks me so bad. Thank you for taking time to make that post !

The funny thing is I am absolutely an ignorant city slicker, maybe even worse than suburbs since I've spent all my life in flats in the strict city center. never even had a lawn. I did however have a tick once and it, without any exagerration, ruined my life. like almost every big setback I've faced in my life, the reason I've been in first year of uni 4 times, soon to be 5, barely graduated highschool despite having mostly good grades, because I was barely above the 50% attendance minimum, all directly traceable back to lyme.

I expected that post to get like 15 notes at most, not 10k in one day, and although i'm glad bc this is important info, I might have written it differently. for example mentioned why and how to safely remove ticks (without killing or squishing or suffocating them, so you don't push the lyme into ur bloodstream, by levering or pinching them up from underneath) and mostly that the overall point is that just letting things grow wild is not biodiversity.

Restoring biodiversity takes more work than keeping up a manicured lawn, not less, at least at first, even though some people try to offer an easy way out. letting things just grow as they please will actually atract more invasive plants. You need to do your research and carefully plan out which places you'll dedicate to food, to pollinator friendly wildflowers, and which you're actually planning to hang out on, and thus will need to keep short. people in the notes have been suggesting great alternatives like clover, moss or woodchips, and other ground cover plants that stay short and require less upkeep than grass, but you still need to do research to lear what's good for your area, and since I'm polish, I can't do that for americans.

someone tagged that post saying smth like 'people want laws to go back to how they were before humans adapted them that is unihabitable' and they were right. there are places (vacant lots, golf courses, fenced off decorative patches of grass, that can and should go back to wildflowers and native grasses as tall as you wish, but for hanging out it, you need sufaces or short, walkable, high visibility for snakes etc, plants. or at the very least paths of those.

my family has what is essentially two vacant lots near the woods, attached to falling apart, rotting, half-built cabins in the countryside, so I know very well how the 'low effort' approach to lawn restoration goes. One used to be a well maintained grass lawn up until like 2005, now it gets mowed once every year or two. it's knee high grass so thick it tangles around your legs and trips you if you try to walk normally. people get several ticks each every time they visit. the other hasn't been touched in at least 20 years, and it's all stinging nettle taller than me (and I'm not especially short) so obviously not exactly hospitable to human life either. if you have a bit of land you never use, let it go wild if you want. But in order to make a lawn usable and biodiverse, you're gonna need a lot more work that just giving up

[everyothermouse]

A lil group portrait of the time au adventuring gang!! Them <333

Basically tol fucked up as a kid and is now on the run from the law, but realized that since his life was so crazy he could live off of telling stories of his wacky adventures. When he met Jay he wanted him to come with him, and when he found out jay couldn't come cus he was virtually a demon/god/magic magnet he decided he NEEDED to bring him to capitalize on how it'd make more cool stories. And yeah it worked so since then he's been collecting wackos to aaa go crazy aaaa go stupid (and also bcus safety I numbers or whateva, pop and pip are also criminals and pastel and jay are crimes against god <3) more about each individual under the cut!

Doin them from left to right :)

Pastel: died when she was messing around with some friends and got stuck under a big rock and left to starve. But because of a fluke in the underworld her God decided to resurrect her, a right usually only belonging to saints. Because of this she's now poorly pretending that she totally did something to deserve being revived (she tells a different story every time someone asks, she thinks it's funny) to avoid being persecuted for suspected witchcraft. She met Jay when they were both drunk and they had fun fucking around in the city, and she spilled the beans to him that she was revived for no reason. She regretted it, but jay didn't kill her because even though he's religious he knew what it felt like to be magically cursed and have everyone be pissed at u for it. Also she's really funny with jay so tol begged her to come with them to add more Comedy(tm) to his memoirs

Pop: a time traveller and angel who is trying to hide both of those facts but only really succeeding at hiding the time travel thing. When they were a kid they traveled to this time with his friends Lustre and Cherrybomb, but when they were attacked by the vicious royal guard they weren't able to escape without leaving Lustre behind. Cherrybomb super repressed that memory, and while pop recovered from some minor injuries they vowed to never time travel again. Yeah they only kept that up until they were like 15, but they still couldn't bring themself to go back to when they left Lustre. But now they're 26 (well technically they're like 33 but in their time their supposed to be 26) living with their boyfriend cherrybomb and have years of time travel experience under their belt, and they're ready to go back. Except they can't go back because they created a travel block for themself by accident because of how upsetting the event was, so instead they traveled as close as they could, about 10 years in the future of the time. Now they search for any form of closure, all they need to know is what happened to their friend, and they will do whatever it takes to find this out. But angels aren't super welcome in the past, especially not with uncut wings, so it's not exactly easy for them to navigate this time period. But after a while of their search they met two lovely children (well young adults), a demon and a "cursed" (nowadays they call em spiritually gifted) and felt so bad for how much the world seemed to be against them they decided they could travel with them, just for a bit, to protect them. They tried not to get attached. They failed. They're in it for the long run now aren't they TwT also as they explore this time and learn more about the gods, they start to realize that they might... be the God of longevity???? Or at least an older version of them became them? Time travel is fucked man

Btw Lustre plays a big role in this plot, her hyper futuristic knowledge, 'blessed' white eyes, and strange God gifted clothing would all lead to him rising to a much different role than fugitive rather quickly, but they're not who this post is about ;) also I'm gonna go bottom to top for the 3 in the middle let's go

Lune: just a little guy :) lune is a young rancher/gardener who worships the God of the wood, who kind of goes missing sometimes and is lowkey the least loyal God but shhhh he loves them. Lune and tol were childhood friends (along with their pal cleo) but on one of their little excursions tol took something very important to a very powerful king, and refused to give it back. As retribution the king destroyed their entire town, and cleo put all the blame on tol, tol and lune both knew lune had to take the side against tol in order to not have the town turn on him. So yeah he moved with the town to bring up a brand new farm, long awaiting the day when tol would come home and say that things were OK and they could settle back in town together, hopefully with cleo too. That didn't happen, but tol did come back and peer pressure lune into part time adventuring with him! So yeah generally lune just runs his lil farm and prays, but when tol comes to pick him up he gets a chance to go be free to act batshit crazy, just like when he was a kid 🥰

Pipes: DEmon! One time lune and tol had a little squabble so lune was like 'im gonna get a new best friend and ur gonna regret this' and tol was like 'yeah right, u live with a bunch of criminals right now no one's gonna wanna be ur bestie dumbass' so lune just walked into a cave at night and dragged out this little nonverbal demon because demons who live alone in caves don't have high standards for friends. Even tho it was just a ploy to make tol jealous lune went super hard on it and now pipes is actually friends with the gang lmaoo

Tol: like I said with lunes, stole something important from a king as a kid, monarch got pissed, blew up the town, town got pissed at tol for it, and since then he's been on the run because he's too stubborn to give back the damn thing (they could have just attacked HIM for it, but since la queen decided to fuck with his town, his family, tol thinks he doesn't deserve to have it back.) He had to run from town to town and got into a lot of danger in his attempts at finding places to hide, but he lacks fear and tended to fight stuff off. As a kid he found that he could get enough pity to be welcomed into towns if he told people he had to fight a monster to get there, so he told stories at every town and camp he went to of his hardships. But as he got older, those he stayed with beckoned him to keep talking, and more and more people said they had heard of his adventures. And that's when when it clicked, his shining ticket to true freedom wasn't a place, it was his stories. They gave him food, shelter, fun, memories, a life. So he made it his mission to never settle down, to make his life as crazy as possible and to talk about it as much as possible, and if he ever ran out of energy to adventure, he'd spend the rest of his dying days writing and writing his entire life story. He thought this was a life he'd live alone, but one day he sought refuge in jays little lonely house because he thought it was abonded, luckily though Jay had just been praying for a second chance at life and decided that considering the timing, tol must be that second chance. So yeah jay patched him up, found out on his monthly supply route he was harboring someone very wanted, and took care of tol even harder because he didn't know or care why he was wanted, he just knew that anyone who had a drawing of them as a child on a wanted poster definitely didn't deserve it. So yeah they're besties now.

AAA I wrote out a really long description for jay but tumblr glitched and I lost it :'O ble here's a shorter rewrite cus I'm not writing out that whole thing again >:P

Jay: brought up in a church village,, he was born with the curse, which allows him to tap into magical properties very easily, and be very easily controlled, manipulated, and possessed by them. This allowed him to be very connected with his god (the god of longevity) but also meant he was often treated as a security risk and a monster by the adults of his town since he could let in evil spirits so easily. He spent most of his time praying and he became obsessed with acting on compulsions (repeated prayer, overscrubbing, scratching himself, touching religious things until he felt like he touched them "right") because he believed they were messages from God and would prevent him from becoming evil (look he was a teenager and everyone told him he was a monster his whole life leave him be.) He gets possessed twice, mage as a rep of the town is like "either have ur cursed removed or leave town forever" (uncursing is only hypothetically possible, it's hella dangerous) and he's scared itd sever his connection to his god so he leaves and he's upset bcus his entire life plan was built around his church, so now he's livin alone on a hill and leaving like once a month, he stays up there and sews and prays mostly, he sort of works on himself and becomes vaguely mentally stable, so he prays for a second chance at life since he lost his original path and needs a sign where to go, and then boom tol shows up and the rest is history. Now he has his own little family and things are going great :) other than the still getting possessed like once a week but shhhh

Pip: in between the entrance to hell and the religious central of the continent is a little town that sides with neither. They mostly fuck around and find out, and in this town lives a monster researcher and her less formal wife, pip! Pip is just a silly goofy little guy livin life, and when the crazy bunch shows up she feels like he's finally found her people :3 and for the first time the group gains a member who's begging to join them as opposed to the other way around

Ya and together they all go on wacky lil adventures with demons and monsters and monarchs and what not.

Tldr pastel is a funny lil dead guy, pop is a time traveller and the Adult of the team, lunes a lil farmer man, pipes a hobo demon they picked up off the side of the road, tols a little criminal demon adventurer, jays a religious weirdo who tol dragged out of his hermit hut, and pips an insane little guy

[ziracona]

[The Kid -- (FGO AU) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, ?]

Not surprisingly, Ritsuka doesn’t have a lot of information on the building, but she’s got more than I expect, and some pretty solid-sounding educated guesses. Mostly, I’m just worried about my end. That we might not have enough firepower to push through a bunch of mages, especially if I can’t start getting more mana from her. If I fail, and go down in there, I’m getting resummoned to living hell, and she’s probably dead. That’s about the last thing I want, so I need a good plan before going in. Lucky for me, reckless but effective underdog plans are kind of my thing.

Snacking on her rice porridge, I try and work through that while absorbing information. …Figure the first thing I should do is see if there are other servants already summoned in there. I should be able to sense that, once I’m a little less dead. If there are, freeing them would add a lot to our fighting forces—wait, no, they’ll probably be about dead, and she can’t heal them because she doesn’t know how. And she can’t anchor more than one probably, since she’s doing it totally solo. So, they’d just die and vanish... Though, she did say…

“Hey,” I say, interrupting a breakdown of personnel she knows of in R&D. She’s actually really good at this planning stuff too—drawn me a little chart and everything. Her profiles might not be the most photo-realistic, but damn if they aren’t still effective in their own way at conveying what people look like—I’ve seen some of these mages, and I can pick them out from her little doodles on sight. “Sorry to interrupt, but there’s a few things I want to ask—one I meant to ask a while ago; they know you did this?”

Ritsuka looks surprised, then nods, chagrined. “Yeah. I mean, probably. I was able to cause a really good distraction, but there was no way to block the cameras, and I had to use my own card and get recognized to make it in the front at all, so, they do or they will really soon. That’s why I came here, instead of my apartment,” she adds, gesturing to the motel, “I tried to pick a list of hotels and motels I wouldn’t pick from usually, and then I chose one randomly from that list, and paid in cash. I hope that’s enough to make me harder to find.”

I don’t know if it will be myself, but I’m impressed she thought that far ahead. Maybe she has a knack for life on the lamb herself. Not a bad little escape plan.

“I’m kind of worried about Mom and Dad,” she adds quietly, glancing at her hands, “I haven’t talked to them at all, because I thought it would put them in danger, but what if it does anyway?”

Oh. I watch her, and the pain and fear there she’s trying to be brave about. She…isn’t just nice, and good, and a bleeding heart; she’s sacrificed a lot personally to help me.

“Won’t happen,” I promise firmly, “We’ll take care of things before that.”

“You sure?” she asks worriedly, trying to stop her eyes from getting misty.

I nod. “Promise. They won’t go there first. They’ll be lookin’ for me, and worried about me comin back right now. Then they’ll try to locate you. Family is more useful if they can just tap the phones and see if you contact—probably won’t even risk spooking them for a while. We got some time.”

That reassures her, and she looks a lot better. Returns my nod.

“…Wait, when you said ‘distraction’ a minute ago,” I say, that little detail clicking late.

“Oh,” she says, “Yeah. Well. I needed the power to go out in the building, and people to not be guarding you so I could get in. I couldn’t bypass doors or alarms, because I don’t know magic or tech stuff, so I had to make sure the whole building was on emergency protocol to make it easy for staff to evacuate to get in there at all. I couldn’t do that any fancy trick way, so, I looked up how to make a bomb and blew up a storage wing on the second floor I knew was empty.”

Holy shit.

“I-I checked the building schematics and asked several people you had to pay online to make sure it wasn’t a big part of the structural integrity!” she defends anxiously, misreading my response, “I made sure I wasn’t gonna knock down the building or kill somebody!”

“No—I’m impressed!” I say, lighting up, “That’s genius!”

“Really?” she asks.

“Hell yeah!!” I say, “Smart to not pick ground floor either. Means they know the threat came from inside the building—it’ll throw ‘em into a panic. And taking out the power? –You taught yourself how to make a bomb?”

“It actually wasn’t that hard,” she says, flushing, “…kind of scary how easy, actually. I had to get components from all different places, and pay in cash so my bank wouldn’t get suspicious, but. It was easier than I thought.”

Damn, she does have a knack. A strong one.

“You’d’ve made a damn fine outlaw,” I say.

For a second she seems to be unsure if that’s meant as a compliment or an insult, and then she hesitantly grins back. “Yeah? Huh. I’m not used to people thinking I’m good at stuff.”

From the far-away look on her face I don’t think she really meant to say that out loud, so I grin and answer before she has a chance to realize it. “Guess you never found something that interested you before.”

She glances at me and nods. “So, what else did you want to ask about?”

“Oh—your circuits. You said you possess a lot of mana?” I ask, “You find out any more about that while doing research there?”

“I did,” she says, passing me my eighth chocolate and unwrapping one for herself and munching on it, “Basically, they told me I’m super weird, and it’s like my body is tapped into a family lineage crest with more magic than it knows what to do with. But I don’t even have a mage crest!”

Not totally sure what that means, but I nod like I do because I get most of it from context.

“So, they say it’s like if I had a connection to a big like, whole lake full of mana. Waaaay more than even mages from good bloodlines have. But my circuits aren’t designed to access it all.”

“So you can’t get at it?” I ask.

“Well, this is gonna sound stupid, but it was the version that made the most sense to me,” she replies, “One of the assistants told me it was like if you had a whole lake of mana, but you could only get any of it out with a garden hose. It’s all there, but it’s just…not designed to be used all at once. They don’t think I could probably ever throw it all into one big spell attack, even with years of training. But, I’d have the most amazing mage stamina they ever saw. They said in a Holy Grail war I might be ridiculously weak at offering any combat support, but I could support all seven servants at the same time on my own if I tried, and then some!” She flashes me a big grin, very proud of that.

Interesting. “So. It’s not tirin you out?” I ask, “Our contract?”

She shakes her head. “I can barely tell. I can’t tell at all energy-wise. I just can feel there’s a connection there, kind of like an invisible thread.”

“Wow. You know most mages can barely support a servant outside a situation with extra support like the grail offers during a war, right?” I ask her.

She blinks at me. “For real?”

I nod. “I hear it’s exhausting.”

She stares at the far wall, then extends her arms and looks at them in wonder.

“You think you could support another?”

Ritsuka glances back from her hands. “Another servant—spirit?” she corrects. It’s cute—girl keeps refusing to call us that even though I do it so automatically. I nod. She nods back. “Yeah, easy.”

“How many you think you could do at once?” I ask.

“Uhm. …I don’t know. Twelve?” she guesses. Holy shit that’s a lot. “Probably more. But definitely at least that many if they all feel like this does. Why?”

I glance down at the little hand-drawn map sitting on the bed. “Because if they already got more servants in there, and we pick ‘em up as we go, a lot of our problems with this plan go away.”

“But, I can’t really support any of them,” she says worriedly, “I’m barely giving you enough to heal you slowly. None of you will be able to use much magic to fight.”

“True,” I reply, “But one of us can do a hell of a lot even without access to a noble phantasm. And more importantly, they won’t know how limited we are. That’s an edge.”

She thinks that over. “…Yeah. I. I guess it is…It’d throw them off, and make them feel overwhelmed and probably get them to panic.”

I nod. “Only problem is healing one of us enough we can get going.”

“Oh yeah,” she says, hopeful expression falling.

“I know you don’t know that kind of spell, but if there’s somewhere we could get stuff to do it for us—some mages use Mystic Codes or enchanted objects, right? I don’t guess you know of any—”

She’s shaking her head. “I’m sorry,” she says miserably, “I don’t even know where in Ur-shanabi something like that might be stored.”

Damn. I was really hoping. …

“I’m sorry I’m useless,” she says quietly, looking down at her hands and the seals there.

“You aren’t,” I reassure her, “I’m just as useless at magecraft as you—more. You’d have been better off with a caster. They’d actually know how to help. But we’ll figure somethin’ out.”

She’s still looking at her hand. Straightens up a little and turns it to inspect, then looks over at me. “Could I heal one of you with a command spell?”

“Yeah, I think,” I say, “But only twice, before being out of ‘em for good.” Mages all consider the last one one you don’t use, anyway. It’s the safeguard—the threat you keep so if your spirit turns on you, you can put us down. The loaded gun. I don’t bring that up though, because she probably knows, and as long as I’m up, she ain’t gonna need it, even if one of the others decides to cause her trouble.

“Right, and there might be more than two in there,” she says unhappily, lowering her hand.

I’m thinking back hard as I watch her, running over everything I’ve ever heard from a mage or a caster about how any of this works. I want to help. I want this to work, but I also want to repay what little I can. I wish Geronimo was here…

“…I know there’s supposed to be ways to fix the problem you’re havin’,” I offer after a second, wishing I knew more and had more to offer, “Someone who knows magic should be able to teach you to use it better, and that’d fix the problem, but I can’t do that. …What you need is someone who can. … You got any idea how to summon one of us? I could help you find a leyline, and-”

She’s shaking her head again. “I don’t know how at all. And it’s not something I can just look up. …I could try, but. I don’t have any artifacts, or practice, or knowledge, and it would probably just be dangerous and I’d draw attention to myself.”

I think hard. “We could try.”

“How? We don’t even have a source of power? You need a lot of mana at once to try and summon a heroic spirit without something like a grail present. I saw a little part of the summon circle at Ur-shanabi once and it was HUGE. I’ve never even felt so much magic in one place—”

“Wait, all you need is a big burst of mana?” I ask, suddenly excited.

“What? Uh—yeah, but I mean big. Way big! Big like I couldn’t do—”

“—But I could!” I insist.

She stares at me. “But…how? You can’t use a noble phantasm without disappearing, because I’m bad at supplying mana.”

“No, no other spirit could use their phantasm like this. Me? I can,” I say proudly, a slow smile starting.

“What?” says Ritsuka, “How? That’s impossible—what do you mean?”

“You know, I’m starting to think this whole thing bein’ you and me was for a reason,” I say instead of answering outright, snagging another little chocolate from the tray and giving her a smile as I do, “See, I don’t really have a noble phantasm, actually.”

“Wait, what??”

“Well, I do, but only kinda,” I explain, “It’s not an object or a chant, it’s the act of me firin’ my colt a specific way, so, it’s a noble phantasm technically, but it’s technically also just a skill, and it’s more technically a skill than a phantasm.” I am so god damn proud of myself right now—the look on her face is amazing. This feels great! “Not having a traditional one ain’t always the best thing, because it means mine is a real split-second kinda deal, but it’s damn powerful for that split second. And since my phantasm is more just a part of me than a specific act or item, it costs way less mana than any other noble phantasm I ever seen—or know of.”

“Wait for real?” she asks, gaping at me as her eyes light up.

I nod. “Sure is. I think with a little more rest, I could pull it off once without exhausting my core. If you can set up a circle, you can use the quick burst of mana from it to try and summon someone else. We’ll have to practice, because it’s a split second and you’ll have to call to the throne exactly when I use it, but I think we could do it.”

“Whoa.” She says. Her eyes are shining and I see the faint trace of a smile starting to form as she looks over and meets my gaze. “That…could work. I mean—I don’t know how to summon a spirit properly, but I know in theory how it works. Do you think that’s enough? You really think we could do it?”

“Well, I don’t see a reason not to try,” I say.

“But—how will I be sure I’ll get someone who can help?” she asks.

“Well, any numbers help, and any spirit’s gonna be pretty interested in this not happening to them, so I think anybody you summon would help us. It’s more complicated than that, though. Being summoned….it works multiple ways. Most of the time, you got no choice, except if you go willingly or unwillingly—you go either way. But occasionally they’re set up so the mage and the spirit both have to agree. I’ve never been on the mage end of a summons, but on our side you can usually sense the intent of a call. Occasionally we even get to choose if we want to answer. Since you and I ain’t gonna have anything close to the power to drag a spirit from the throne, it’ll be one of those, which is great, because it means if anybody shows up, they’ll have come because they heard you and wanted to come help. Just be honest and specific in what you need, and who you are. I think you’ll get lucky. I’m pretty sure if I heard someone like you asking for help plain and simple and I could do it, I’d take the pact.”

“Really?” she asks like it means something big to her.

“Yeah,” I say, and I mean it.

She smiles at me. “Okay. Great! I guess we have nothing to lose. I’ll try to set something up, and you just focus on feeling better and getting that energy back.”

“Will do,” I agree with a smile, watching her hop up and snag all her notes and diagrams and start trying to organize them. “You’ve done a lot too, though,” I add, “Make sure to get yourself some rest as well.”

The gal glances over and returns my smile. “I will. Thanks. But I’m okay—I took an accidental power nap on the floor, so I’ve got like eight more hours in me.” She proudly makes a muscle. “You want some tea before going back to sleep?”

“Sure,” I say, bemused as she vanishes back down the little hall.

This has all gone some kind of way, but, I’m surprisingly…Hopeful.

I remember the coin then, and that feeling bottoms out. Please don’t have been summoned yet, I pray, feeling a little sick.

I want so bad to think he’s not here yet, but I got a bad feeling. Did I sense him, when I was in Ur-shanabi, and I just can’t remember because I was so weak, or am I just paranoid and afraid? I don’t know. God, I hope at least he hasn’t been there anything close to as long as me. I hope he hasn’t been summoned at all. I should be trying to guess at the others, but there’s just way too many of us could be most of them. Clay pot means older ages spirit, letter means…well, recent enough for paper to survive, and shuriken means one from the east, but the earring could be anybody, and I can’t focus on it anyway. Why did it have to be somebody I know? And like? I’m trying to remember for sure how he died.

…I’m…I’m pretty sure he was bled to death slowly by a nun that was supposed to help him.

Why did we all have to die so terribly? I don’t like to think of him like that, but in my head it’s all I can see now. That terrible workshop, with its cold metal and saturated mana in the air that makes you sick with the taste of every breath, people walking by all the time to look at you like an animal in a cage. …Bolted down to the floor and cut up everywhere, half-awake in a massive puddle of his own blood. I don’t want to see that; I don’t want it to happen; I don’t want it to happen to him. He’s been through enough shit—he’s my friend.

But I got a bad feeling.

Please don’t be here, Robin. Please, God, don’t let them have picked him to summon yet.

A really bad feeling…

[dontshouta]

elegant obscenities

summery: Your tattoo session which you’ve had scheduled for months has finally arrived and you finally get to meet the man everyone’s speaking so highly of. pairing: tattoo artist!bakugou katsuki x fem!reader word count: 3,799 note: modern au! also,, this is ns*fw so please… if ur not into that... just look away alsoalso, my tattoo knowledge is very limited.. im goin based on what ive seen on t.v or what ive read.. soo sorry if anythings wrong lol i dont have the heart to do extensive research on it atm but i hope you enjoy nonetheless

To say you were excited was a massive understatement. You felt like your heart was gonna burst from how quickly it was beating, your stomach felt like the den of a thousand butterflies, and yet you couldn’t wipe the huge smile plastered on your face.  Today, you were going to see what all the fuss was about. Today, you were getting your first tattoo from the King of Tattoos himself-- Bakugou Katsuki. Just the mere thought of it shot a rush of adrenaline through your veins. You’ve heard so many reviews on this guy, you’ve seen his beautiful works on yelp, you’ve seen the clean and cut format of the parlor’s website- he was no joke. Though, his reputation seemed flawless, people did seem to not like his attitude. But of course, that would be ultimately overlooked, his work was just that good. 

As excited you were, you were equally nervous. You didn’t know if you could sit through an hour session of what could possibly be him yelling and screaming at the top of his lungs. Or at least, that’s what some people have claimed to have happened. You wanted to remain optimistic though, and decided not showing up would be a waste of everyone’s time.

So, with determination and excitement fueling your resolve, you entered the tattoo parlor. You were greeted by an eager redhead, who smiled when you told him of your appointment.

“Oh yeah! Well, Y/N, if you could read over these papers and sign ‘em, Bakugou’ll be ready for you when your done!”

You took the clipboard with a smile and sat down. For a moment, you just stared at the words, not really reading them and letting the paper blur. You only hesitated for a moment, before grabbing the pen and firmly filling out the forms. You couldn’t possibly back out now, you’ve waited months for this opportunity! Just because some reviews said he could be a scary guy, psh, from what you’ve seen from the redhead, he couldn’t possibly be that bad, right? Just as you signed your last signature, someone cursed at the end of the hall.

“Shitty-hair! Is that client here yet?! I’m not gonna fuckin��� wait all damn day!” 

You froze in your seat, your eyes watching the redhead as he rolled his eyes.

“She’s here, dude, chill.” 

You gulped, pen shaking in your hand as you stared at the papers again. Was this guy serious? He sounds like he could up and kill me with his tattoo gun! The redhead laughed, taking in your pale figure and offering a calming smile. You relaxed the slightest bit.

“Ah, don’t mind him. He’s all bark and no bite, you’ll be fine. It’s just a tattoo after all!” He laughed again, trying to get you to ease out of your frightened position. “Are you done filling those out? If you could hand me your I.D you’ll be all set!”

You nodded mutely, handing him your I.D and clipboard. His reassurances should’ve placated you but why were you so damn tense? Was the reality of getting a tattoo settling into your bones and immobilizing you? You let out a deep sigh, deciding it’s now or never, hostile artist or not, he still was the best of the best.

The redhead, Kirishima he said was his name, handed you back your I.D and beckoned you to follow him down the hall. The closer you got to the room, the quicker your heart beat. You were so nervous, so excited, you didn’t know what to do with the plethora of emotions surrounding you. With a deep breath, you entered the room behind Kirishima.

The room was covered in art and designs of the past on the walls, fat binders lining bookshelves and a desk spilling over with sketches and unfinished line work. You could tell just from the room alone the experience Bakugou’s had. The tattoo table sat in the corner, laughing at your hesitance,  which almost had you running for the hills at the mere sight of it. The air smelt sterile, and you took a deep breath again to try and calm your jolting nerves. Just as you did, the air caught in your throat when you finally laid eyes on your tattoo artist. His eyes were an angry red, brows set in a frown as he appraised your form. You were frozen at the door, not quite able to tear your eyes away. No one mentioned anything about how hot he was! Feeling very deceived by the reviews online, you shimmied yourself fully into the room, all the while staring at the famed Bakugou Katsuki.

“Took you long enough.” He grumbled with a click of his tongue, strong, impossibly tattooed arms crossed over a built torso. He wore a black tank top, not leaving much to the imagination and wore watching black jeans, which hung delectably low on his hips. Now you weren’t sure if you could sit in the same room as him for a completely different reason.

Kirishima rolled his eyes. “Dude, she’s early. Impatience is so not manly.” He huffed, walking out of the room, giving you a thumbs up and smile on the way out.

Now you were left alone. With an insanely attractive man whose hands and eyes were going to be all over you for the next hour. Your earlier hesitance in the matter all but withered away and was replaced with a newfound excitement. 

You waved awkwardly, smiling slightly. “Um, hi, I’m Y/N! I’ve heard so many great things about you!” You greeted, hoping you didn’t seem overly eager. Now with your resolve restored tenfold, you wanted to get off on the right foot. His temper still looming over your head dangerously.

He clicked his tongue again, eyes roaming over your figure. “You better have, I don’t run this fuckin’ business for nothin’.” He mumbled, motioning for you to sit at that tattoo table while he prepared.

You watched him eagerly, eyes following where he slapped on his latex gloves. You drank in the way his nimble fingers worked with his equipment, sending you head reeling from thoughts of what else they could do. Goodness, this is embarrassing. Get yourself together, Y/N! You can’t be getting yourself all hot and bothered, this is a professional environment! And with that, you averted your eyes and focused them on your twiddling thumbs. 

“So’re you gonna take your pants off or what?” He finally asked, eyes slanting in passive anger at you.

“Wh- huh?!” You exclaimed, almost falling off the table in pure shock. Take off my pants?? Has he noticed my staring? Wait- can he read my thoughts?!

“I can’t tattoo your thigh over you pants, you know. Idiot, you should’ve worn shorts or somethin’.” His voice was laced with superiority as he chastised you, making your thighs clench unconsciously. You were not going to survive this session.

With flaming cheeks, you stood from the table, hands poised over the button of your jeans.

“R-Right.. Well um, would.. Would you mind turning around or something?” You asked quietly, the blush on your cheeks traveling to the rest of your face as you stared into his red eyes. Which he rolled.

“I’m gonna see you half naked anyway,  just take your pants off so we can get this shit over with.” He commanded, a brow raised haughtily as he sat on the stool next to the table. 

Now, you really didn’t think this through. You’d hoped he’d find you half naked in different circumstances, but here you were, jeans pooling around your ankles in contempt while the flush seemed to travel throughout the rest of your body. How could you forget that you wanted this stupid tattoo on your thigh? At first, you didn’t think anything of it, believing you wouldn’t be attracted to your artist. Fate had other plans though, and made your artist the most attractive man you’ve ever laid eyes on. 

You stepped out of your jeans, mumbling begrudgingly as you scooped the mass of fabric from the ground. Once you straightened up, you made eye contact with Bakugou. For a split second, it looked like he was staring at you ass. If you were bolder you might’ve said something like “Like what you see?” but instead, you shook your head, finding the notion preposterous as you sat back onto the table with curses being muttered under your breath.

“It ain’t my fault you wanted the damn tattoo on your thigh, no need to get all bitchy with me.” That comment might’ve brought down his attractiveness to you by about one percent, so any response that you had died in your throat once he started cleaning the exposed area on your thigh. Your lips were zipped tight, trying your absolute best and then some to keep any peep from coming out of your mouth. 

The breath that had been stuck in your chest finally escaped from your body once Bakugou pulled away, reaching for the readied transfer paper. You eyes softened at the sight of the design of your tattoo, heart fluttering at the way Bakugou had rendered it.

“It looks beautiful.” You whispered, smile blossoming on your face as he applied the transfer to your thigh, momentarily forgetting your qualms about the damn artist’s proximity. 

He hummed in response, clearly denoting an I know in his wake as he removed the transfer paper. “Look in the mirror and tell me it looks good.” He commanded, his tone clearly indicating he already knows it looks good. Probably just wants me to stroke his ego some more.

You got up anyway, not wanting to disobey him, and checked out the art that was going to be permanently etched into you skin in an hour’s time. “It’s perfect.” You breathed, checking yourself out in the mirror with renewed excitement. When you turned back, Bakugou’s eyes flickered up from your thigh to your eyes. He cleared his throat, motioning you to sit back on the table with a flick of his wrist.

“Duh, I strive for nothin’ but perfection.” He said, gloved hands patting the table impatiently.

Was that… a blush on his cheeks? Your heart rate accelerated, smile growing as you skipped back onto the table. “I don’t doubt it, Bakugou! Alright, now tat me up!” You were giggling happily, legs spread onto the table before the young artist, which, unbeknownst to you, had his heart rate going a mile a minute.

“Yeah, yeah.” 

With that, he leaned into you inner thigh, one hand gripping onto the soft flesh while the other poised the tattoo gun over it. 

“Brace yourself, it ain’t the most comfortable feeling in the world.” He warned, barely giving you any time to actually do so before getting to work.

A gasp escaped from your lips once you felt the tattoo gun connect with your skin, not necessarily in pain but to your horror, in pleasure. You bit your lip, trying to seem nonchalant but in all reality, heat was rushing to your core and you started to feel your body temperature rise considerably. You couldn’t really blame yourself, an attractive man’s face was inches from your barely concealed vagina while he gripped your thigh. How could you not get turned on? What was really going through your head though, was how you were going to distract yourself. You couldn’t possibly think about him and only him this entire time, right? He’d probably catch on and kick you out or something. You wouldn’t be able to stand the embarrassment that would come with that. 

While you did try to keep your mind occupied, you couldn’t help but watch the artist at work. His tongue slightly poked out his lips every now and then. Sometimes he’d blow out a breath which would hit your thigh deliciously and send you head spinning. He’d squeeze your thigh and maneuver it this way and that to get a better angle. Every little thing had your heart racing, your thighs needing to clench, your core needing some damn friction. You were, to put it lightly, going fucking insane.

Bakugou suddenly pulled back, his face screwed up in an expression you couldn’t place. An agitated groan escaped his lips while he made aggressive eye contact with you.

“Wh- ar-are you done-?!” Your eyes flickered to the unfinished tattoo, your expression turning confused when you met his eyes again. “What-?”

He shoved himself onto you, pupils blown wide with arousal. “You know what you’re doin’, huh? Don’t play dumb with me you’ve been acting like this since you walked in here.. You know how hard it is to fucking concentrate when I can just smell how wet you are? Huh?” He all but growled, eyes glued to yours while his large hands gripped your waist possessively.

You took in a shaky breath, breaking eye contact to watch his body hover impossibly close to yours. A sweat had built around Bakugou’s temples, body slightly shaking with restraint as he gathered your next reaction.

“Fuck.. you can’t blame me, can you?!” You yelled, hands gripping onto his strong biceps. “You’re over here gripping on my thigh and breathing on my coochie, how the fuck am I supposed to react?”

Your response shocked him, but was enough to confirm any suspicions he had and he immediately clashed his lips with yours. You melted instantly, hands roaming up to grip at his sandy hair roughly. Teeth clashed, tongues melded and fought for dominance, breath coming in hot and heavy as your bodies melted into each other. Bakugou was already hard against your thigh, member pulsing through his jeans and prodding closer and closer to your dripping core. 

You moved to wrap your exposed legs around his waist but was shoved roughly back onto the table, Bakugou breaking the heated kiss and roaming down. His hands left a trail of fire on your exposed skin, causing small, broken mewls to slip to your lips while he pushed your top over your breasts, his eyes drinking in your heated form greedily.

“Fuck baby you look so good like this. I’ve barely even touched you and you already look fucked out, all for me huh?” He purred obscenities into your ear, a shiver wracking through your body at his words. His hands barely skimmed over your bra, your breath held in anticipation as he slowed his rough mannerisms to admire your breathless body. A low growl emitted from the back of his throat, his hands pushing your bra down to expose your chest, your nipples hardening immediately in the crisp air. Deft, tattooed fingers toyed with your breasts, red eyes burning into your own as he watched you writhe underneath him, your legs rubbing together incessantly to try and gauge at least the tiniest amount of friction you could get. 

You whined needily, fingers fisting into his hair as you tried to connect your barely concealed pelvis with his.

“Nuh, uh, baby girl I’m gonna need you to be patient, yeah? Can you be patient for me?” His tone was laced with such dominance you were rendered speechless, a nod of your head indicating you understood what he was implying.

“No, that ain’t gonna cut it sweetheart, use your fucking words or else I’m stoppin’ right here, when we’ve barely even gotten started.” His fingers gripped your chin, forcing your gaze onto his.

“Y-Yes, sir..?” You were hesitant with the addition of the title but a hum of approval resonated from the tattooed man that had you relaxing back into the table again. Your eyes watched his every move while he lowered himself closer to you, a feeling of desperation slowly gnawing at you. His hands roamed every inch of exposed skin, from the apples of your cheeks down to your pelvis, his fingers toying dangerously with the waistband of your delicate panties.

Just as you thought he was gonna grant you at least some relief, his fingers skimmed past the waistband completely, ignoring the removal of the tiny article of clothing and instead moving to push a tattooed finger against your core teasingly. A gasp escaped your lips, one of your hands gripping his bicep for dear life, the tiny amount of contact overwhelming you.

He chuckled dangerously, his face moving to hover over your clothed heat, his hot breath tickling your thighs.

“Oh, please, just fucking touch me, Bakugou.” You seethed, your patience growing incredibly thin. You wanted to reach for his wrist and just make him touch you yourself but you didn’t want to push your luck, having already yelled at the man already. 

He laughed at your command, his hands moving to grip your hips while his tongue poked out of his mouth to gently prod at your panties. An eloquent oh fuck rolled out of your mouth, his hands gripping harder as his tongue lightly grazed over your clothed cunt.

“Is this what you wanted, princess?” He murmured against your wet panties, his eyes lazily gazing up at you. The sight of his face buried in between your legs had you shaking, the hands in his hair impossibly tightening while you tugged him closer to you.

“Bakugou, please, please, please, eat me out I can’t take it anymore, I want you to fuck me so-!” You cut yourself off with a hearty moan, his fingers snatching your underwear to the side and delving his tongue into dripping core. One of his hands massaged your hip, while the other snaked to toy with your entrance. You were already gasping for breath, legs spasming against his head while he dug himself deeper into you. His tongue laved other your clit, alternating between drawing lazy circles and sucking it hard. The juxtaposition of movements drove you mad, your head falling back against the table with your back arching, you hips bucking into his mouth greedily. His finger finally pushed into you, the combination of his thrusting finger and suckling lips pushing you further and further towards the edge.

All too soon, the friction was gone just as you felt your climax rush over you, causing a shriek of disapproval to sound from you. Your head was up in a flash to shoot a look of desperation to the teasing man. His gaze shook you to your very core, almost undoing you just then, with eyes completely clouded over with unadulterated lust. He smirked, bringing his soiled fingers to his lips and sucking them clean. A whine emitted from your throat, the display downright lewd and having you begging for more.

“Baku-”

“Call me Katsuki, darling.”

“Katsuki, please.”

And with that statement, his tank top was off. His pretty fingers worked to smoothly take off his belt and pants, the mere sounds of the rustling clothes bringing more excitement in between your legs. You crawled toward him, moving to help but he quickly pinned you back down onto the table.

“Now, now, let’s not get too hasty. I plan on fuckin’ that pretty pussy of yours real good, yeah? Don’t you worry that pretty little fuckin’ head of yours.”

Bakugou picked you up with ease, flipping you around and bending you over so your ass was up in the air for him to lay a resounding smack onto it. He hummed while you whined desperately, his abusing hand rubbing the skin immediately to soothe the reddening cheek. You legs felt wobbly, barely able to keep yourself up for him. He was rubbed languid strokes against his angry cock, angling it towards your entrance and prodding at it coyly. He tapped the appendage against your folds, chuckling as your hips bucked up against him. A smirk played on his lips, his eyes dark and dangerous as he started to shift his hips forwards to meet yours. You watched the muscles in his beautifully inked stomach flex as he moved, the feeling of slowly being filled just too good.

Once he was fully inside you, you gasped hotly, trying to accustom yourself to the sensation of being so thoroughly stretched out. His eyes watched attentively, flickering from your stretched hole and to your face. He moved his hips back tortuously slow, setting a pace so agonizingly good that you could barely open you mouth without moaning desperately.

“Oh, f-fuck!” You half-sobbed, clinging to the table for dear life as he rocked into you. He moved to hide his face against the back of your neck, latching onto the juncture of her shoulder and throat in a way that made you sure he would leave a mark. The feeling was almost too much– the slow drag of his cock inside you, the ministrations of his lips, teeth and tongue on your shoulder, the quiet and low growls leaving his perfect lips– you were done for.

His large hands gripped your ass, alternating from hard gropes to rough slaps that resounded about the room and arousing you tenfold. Broken moans fled your lips, your fingernails scratching at the table hopelessly. His cock pulsed within you as he quickened his pace abruptly, his hand fisting into your hair and forcing your back to arch up into him. You cried out in pure glee, your breasts bouncing while he pounded mercilessly into you. 

His hands held your hips in a bruising grip, the pain mixing deliciously with the absolute pleasure that was Bakugou’s pace. His lips were muttering obscenities into your ear, alternating from suckling your earlobe in between his teeth and littering your neck with pretty purple bruises. You have ascended, your mind gone due to this tattoo artist’s godly dick. 

You were sputtering, moans never ceasing to escape from your lips as you tried your best to keep up with his pace, your body becoming hotter and hotter with every deep thrust. You felt your climax building, your walls clenching around his thick cock, causing him to curse into your ear.

His unoccupied hand snaking around your waist to rub quick circles into your clit, sending your body into overdrive and making you see stars.

“I’m go-gonna- oh my goodness- I’m gonna f-fucking come-!” Your body was on fire, your mind short-circuiting with the amount of pleasure wracking your body as you finally came. Your moans came louder with it, your body spasming against his still pistoning cock.

He came soon after, his thrusts becoming sloppy as he rode out his high within your overstimulated walls. Bakugou released your hair, your body falling limply onto the tattoo table. You were gasping for breath, his seed pooling out of your pussy and onto the table. His fingers circled your folds and gathered the come from it, holding them out in front of your lips.

“Now, be a good girl and swallow my cum, huh, princess?”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #283

“if teardrops could be bottled, there’d be swimming pools filled by models”

How much would you tip a waiter or waitress for good service? I honestly don’t even know the proper etiquette of tipping because I almost never ever have been in a sit-down restaurant where I’ve paid because of the whole “I don’t have an income” thing. If for whatever reason I did, I would have asked the person with me how. I do (maybe…) believe however that there should be a baseline for how much you tip, even if your experience is somewhat unpleasant. You don’t know what that person is going through that day. If it’s just pure awful, then I might not tip at all, but I think I’d honestly feel way too guilty. Who is your favorite character from the television sitcom Friends? I don’t watch it. Whose name might you have tattooed on your body? None. Well, I guess if I had hypothetical kids, I might, especially as a tribute if they died. What is something that you always need to leave plugged in? I always at least have my laptop charger plugged into the wall, but not always into my computer as to not totally kill the battery. I just need it a lot because I’m only always on it. Who might you send a selfie to? I don’t send them to anyone, really, save for specific occasions. I just take selfies once in a blue moon to change my Facebook picture, honestly. I feel weird just sending people pictures of me because I feel like I’m screaming, “HEY LOOK AND COMPLIMENT ME!!!!!!!!!”, so it makes me uncomfortable. I only did semi-recently because my friend did my makeup for a Halloween shoot and for once in my goddamn life I felt really pretty so sent it to Sara. Name an item in or on your bed every night. My phone is on the right upper corner of my bed so I can check it when I wake up; I always wake up throughout the night and wanna know what time it is. Out of your work shift, how much time do you spend doing “actual work”? Well one, define “actual work,” but odds are almost zero because I don’t have shit to do. How long do your New Years resolutions typically last? I don’t make ‘em. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Most likely Mom. What’s the song that reminds you of the person you like?Okay so deadass I listened to NSP’s “Wish You Were Here” cover recently and kinda cried lol. Are you good at holding back your tears? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? My goddamn sanity. How many jobs do you have? None. Do you have any memories you want to erase? There’s one occasion with Jason I wish I could forget so, so badly. Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? No. I don’t believe in pre-determined destinies and such, and thus I don’t see anything as “meant” and “not meant” to be. Do you believe in destiny? Wow, good timing lmao. Do you believe that things will get better? I like to think so. Have you ever drunk dialed someone? No. Have you ever worn a tiara? Haha, I think on my 18th birthday maybe, my friend Summer came with us to dinner and brought me a birthday tiara. If someone offered to take you out for your birthday, where would you decide to go? I almost always go to Olive Garden for dinner. But, after trying the Cheesecake Factory for the first time… *eyes emoji* If you plan to have kids, what will you tell them about Santa Clause? I’m not having kids, but hypothetically, I’d let them believe it. It’s so magical as a kid and brings so much excitement. I’d tell them the truth when it feels appropriate, and if I know they’re not the type to go telling other kids for no reason “HEY MY MOM SAID SANTA’S NOT REAL SO UR DUMB.” I’d be damned if they ruined it for other children. If you have ever been employed, have you ever been attracted to your boss? What about a co-worker? Not that I remember. Do [would] you avoid kissing your [possibly hypothetical] significant other when you or they are ill? Look man I made out with my ex while he was recovering from bronchitis before we knew it wasn’t contagious so OOPS yeah because I am 110% the “if you’re sick, I’m sick” dumbass all the while going FULL Mom Mode taking care of the person. What was the last thing you bought, other than food? With my own money, that is a daaaamn good question. I only really use it/am given it for food. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? Do you know what that person is doing at this moment? My mom. She’s in the living room watching TV, probably. Think back to the last time you cried, or felt like crying. Who or what helped you to feel better? My mom. Do you own any accessories with your name or initial on them? No, they don’t appeal to me. Is there someone of the opposite sex that knows everything, or almost everything, about you? I would say Jason, but we haven’t seen or spoken to each other for almost four years, and I’m a much different person by now, and I’m sure he is, too. Do you remember the last time you cried because you missed someone? A few weeks back I had a breakdown over Jason again. My PTSD was and still is being pretty rough lately. Are your eyes the same color as your sibling(s)? Just my brother. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents, or someone else? No. What’s your most noticeable flaw? Thinking about it, probably my extreme aversion to conflict. I will BOLT from confrontation. And what’s your best feature? I’m extremely empathetic. Have you ever hallucinated? Yeah; I would see shadows move when I was coming off a certain med. Do you have fangirl-ish tendencies? ………………. Have you ever replied “OK” when someone confessed they liked you? Wow, no. Either admit reciprocated feelings or gently turn them down. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, or The Beatles? OHHHHHHHH BUDDY. Led Zeppelin, I think… but maybe the Stones. Idk. What would you do for immortality and infinite youth? Nothing. Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub? A pool. Is your handwriting legible? Yes. Well, some people find it slightly difficult because it’s kinda fancy. Have you ever held a baby chick? Yes! Do you think ‘everything bagels’ are disgusting? I’m not a fan. Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? No. What did you last get upset about? How incredibly fuckin weak my body is. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry? I don’t know. How many more people do you think you’ll kiss before you die? Hopefully only one. I do NOT want to deal with anymore heartbreak, nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with. Are you more spiritual or religious? Spiritual. Ever been to a rave? Nooooo, most definitely not my scene. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? No. Song playing right now? I’m listening to “PRESIDENT X” by 3TEETH rn. Have you ever laughed at someone because they had a funny name? No, that’s incredibly rude. Speaking of names, why do celebrities always call their kids stupid ones? They’re not all “stupid”…? There are some beautiful names I’ve heard. It’s none of my business why others’ children are named what they are. Do you get car sick easily? I don’t. Do you think you’re a good conversationalist? Why is that? NO. I’m just awkward and don’t know what to talk about or what to say back to people a lot. Awhile back though my friend Ian told me I was actually a really nice one and it meant a LOT to me. Hearing someone say that reassured me a little bit. Have you ever been on a float in a parade? What were you doing on it? No. Have you ever been in a helicopter? No. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Who is your favorite animated character? Oh boy that’s hard man, idk. Maybe Ninetales, at least aesthetically. Idk about as characters themselves. Is it easy to make you gag? Yeah. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Scar. Would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus? I deadass kinda want a caiman lol. It’s something I doubt I’ll actually do, though. Do you like Ritz crackers? Yeah. Do you have any designer clothing? If so what brand? No. Were you afraid of the dark when you were little? Not very, no. What are your opinions on war in general? It’s fucking awful and could be avoided if people weren’t so goddamn hasty, selfish, and uncompromising, among many other adjectives. Do you like pretzels? Yessss, especially soft ones. Have you ever wanted to be a writer? Yeah, tons of times in my life on-and-off. Did you even vote? This is the very first year I actually did. I felt really bad for not acting, only complaining about my government, and “silence speaks” was heavy on my head. Did some research to educate myself, and I felt amazing afterwards. What is your favorite flavor of gum? Usually watermelon. Are you wearing any bandaids? If so, where and why? No. Do you currently have any bruises on you? No. Do you/did you like or dislike school? I always hated it. Are you currently wearing any lotion? No. Do you ever make recipes found online? What was the last one? I don’t cook, so… but there sure are some that look good. If you smoke weed, what do you usually do after you get high? If you don’t, what would you do if everyone around you were smoking? I never have, so I wouldn’t know. Haha, for the second half, sit there awkwardly… been there once. What’s the last thing you ordered online? The next Wings of Fire book. Starting Sunny’s story now. Tell me about your favorite dress. I had this spring dress in high school that was white with purple skulls on it in a floral design… It was really cute and just has a special memory tied to it. Have you ever slept in a waterbed? If so, what was it like? Yeah, that used to be considered “fun” as a kid. They’re not awful, but not that comfortable either, and if I remember well, it’s easy to get sweaty because of the material. How many floors does your house have? Just one. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Hell yeah I do. Do you ever buy the same shirt in different colors? Simple tank tops, yeah. Ever made out on a rooftop? Damn dude no I’d be paranoid of falling off lmao. One place you will never eat at? Arby’s. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one? Nope.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Let’s Watch Movies! With Samantha and her Girlfriend :D

And this week

We’re watching a DC film starring a League of heroes brought together for Justice

A League with fantastic powers that they must use to Save The World!

I speak of course

Of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

What else could I have meant >.>

Our movie begins with...LOGOS!

Me: 20th Century fox rusted!

My Girlfriend: They are going to have to pay a fortune to replace that logo

Me: Its why they sold it to Disney

At an ominous docks, evil is afoot... as we get a text scrawl

Me: Do you remember how people were hella excited for this film when it came out?

My Girlfriend: Even ALAN MOORE was excited

Me: This was before he became more Angry Wizard than Man

Twisted and Evil

My Girlfriend: And then we went to see it and just...what

WHAT

Me: I feel like tis text crawl was an early warning "Get out now"

My Girlfriend: In Star Wars the text crawls make sense because its giving us a FICTIONAL

history of a made up universe...this is just like "By the way years ago things happened"

"For hundreds of years wars have been fought with the same weapons...single shot rifles, cavlary and horse drawn canon"

Me: Yep, horse drawn canons and rifles were invented at pretty much the same time

My Girlfriend: That sounds legit

"But the century is soon to end"

Me: "Because that is how time works"

My Girlfriend: "Fuck you True Detective, it is not a flat circle"

As a police offier makes his way down a Ye Olde Cobbled Streete, there is a strange rumbling that alarms him and his fellow officer

Me: COR BLIMEY

My Girlfriend: WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN

The officers just kind of run around

My Girlfriend: "Would help if we knew what we were running toward"

Me: OR AWAY FROM

And we get the title on the screen as some doggos run onto the scene

My Girlfriend: Wait I'm confused are the dogs the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Me: That might have been more accurate to the comics

My Girlfriend: Couldn't have been WORSE

Me: LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY DOGGOS

"Bleedin rat bags wots got into 'em?"

Me: "BLOODY BANG OUT OF ORDER IT IS"

My Girlfriend: "THERE AVIN A LARF"

A giant metal vehicle crashes onto the scene as one of the officers wonders what that is...

Me: "ITS ONE OF THOSE HORSELESS CARRIAGES WE'VE EARD ABOUT!"

My Girlfriend: "WITCHCRAFT! QUICK, BURN THOMAS EDISON!"

The officer walks towards it ordering it to halt

Me: "UR NICKED ME OLD BEAUTY"

My Girlfriend: "Your under arrest for the crime of bein a tank!"

The officer repeatedly tells it to halt but it just keeps on driving

Me: This is how we can tell the villain is evil...he refuses to follow road safety laws

My Girlfriend: Also he killed that guy

Me: Also that yes

Yep it just steamrolls right over the luckless officer....

My Girlfriend: "Don't worry! I saw Roger Rabbit once and Judge Doom was fine after this happened to him!"

Me: Whats tragic is that officer had just three days left until retirement...

The tank barrels into the Bank of England which for some reason has soldiers in it?????

And they start shooting at it?????

Me: Okay so...I don't know if the writers of this film knew...basically anything...about england...but even most cops don't carry guns over here...so a platoon of ARMED SOLDIERS just...chilling out in a bank...seems unlikely

My Girlfriend: How dare you suggest this was not a rigorously researched period drama piece

Me: Terrible of me I know..

The tank continues to demolish the place...

Me: And this bank had just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend Okay stop that...

A group of soldiers speaking german???? disembark....

My Girlfriend: "VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKINK THE AUDIENCE TELL VE ARE THE VILLAINS"

And their leader also steps out with our VERY FIRST SHOT of him in the film being him holding a cane with a Silver Skull as its head

Me: Okay see I just can't tell WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS in this movie...I wish that these movies would stop being so vague with their moral shades of grey and give us some idea of who we should be rooting against

My Girlfriend: Its a real puzzler alright but I'm going to suggest that the man with the skull cane and the henchmen who speak like Herr Flick from Allo Allo might be the villain of the piece

Me: But are we just judging a book by the cover?

Maybe he's just a goth with a limp

Our films villain tells his henchmen to leave one alive to tell the tale and kill the rest

Me: "Do it like the Natural Born Killers you are"

They get to robbing the bank while the villain focuses on some sketches declaring that some of the banks "Treasures" are "Worth more than others"

Me: "This is some original Rob Liefield artwork!

Wizard Magazine promises me that this is going to double in value in my lifetime!"

My Girlfriend: THAT POOR DELUDED MAN

A montage of newspapers first informs us that "Britain accuses German army of Bank Theft"

My Girlfriend: "Well, Nigel Farage does anyway"

"Germany's newest weapon?"

Me: So the plot of this film is the heroes trying to keep Britain out of war with Germany...while proving that Germany would never commit a terrible crime....

I

I have some bad news for them on both those fronts, honestly

My Girlfriend: "Germany, capable of war crimes? SHOCKING"

Meanwhile in Berlin a factory is under attack...but whats this? This time the soldiers are speaking ENGLISH!

Me: Its kind of depressing to think that the Fantom didn't really need to go to all the trouble of a false flag operation...if he'd just sat back and waited a decade or so peoples own monstrous capacity for evil would have started not one but two world wars without him doing anything...

My Girlfriend: That's a little heavy for a riff babe

Me: POUR ME MORE WINE

The Fantom is brought a terrified scientist....

Me: We can tell he's a scientist because he's dressed like no scientist outside of hollywood movies has ever dressed

My Girlfriend: HELPFUL

"What do you want?"

"THE WOOOOORRRLLLLDDDD"

Me: "AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP COMPARING ME TO COBRA COMMMAAANNNDDDEEEEERRRRRR"

My Girlfriend: A weirdo in a silver mask with an armoured terrorist group who travel in ridiculous vehicles trying to start a war for profit?

Clearly he’s nothing like Cobra Commander

Me: "NOW FOLLOW MY ORRDDEERRRRSSSSSSSS"

Someone tosses him a rocket launcher and the scientist loses his shit

Scientist: (In German) Are you crazy?! This place is full of hydrogen gas!

Fantom: (In English) Really? That's so frightening!

Me: HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU

My Girlfriend: If your going to quip at him you should probably speak german...which we know you can speak because you were in the last scene

The Fantom blows up all the blimps

My Girlfriend: OH THE HUMANITY

Me: BABE TOO SOON

Everything blows the fuck up....

Me: Its a good thing those blimps are falling in slow motion

My Girlfriend: And that their causing no real structural damage

Me: Fire doesn't even seem to be spreading...

Kenya, 1899

Me: MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY

My Girlfriend: I Got That Reference

A british fellow has just arrived...

Me: You can tell he's british because he's wearing a suit and a bowler hat

My Girlfriend: Any second now he's going to pull a cricket bat out of his luggage

Me: Or a tea kettle

Wandering into the hotel he's greeted by a butler...

My Girlfriend: The only black man in the entire movie, ladies and gentlemen

Me: Don't worry though we get a grand total of one other non-white character in the films cast later...he even gets a name!

My Girlfriend: That Hollywood and its progressive agenda...giving us two characters who aren't white people in the same film...

Me: POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUN AMUCK

The British Man makes his way through the hotel to Quatermain as people with questionable facial hair watch him

Me: HARUMPH! HARUMPH HARUMPH!

My Girlfriend: HARUMPH! HARUMPH? HARUMPH!?!

"Do I have the impression of addressing Allan Quatermain?"

(Fake Quatermain) "You do sir! Indeed you do!"

Me: "Really? YOUR Sean Connery? I'd heard the years hadn't been kind to but jesus wept..."

"I asume your another traveller...got it in your head to sample the DARK continent"

Me: Okay I know its 1899 but I still feel like even for the time the way he said that was racist

My Girlfriend: I like nothing about the way he said that line

Fake! Quatermain tells the british fellow to sit down, listen his stories and "Fill my glass"

My Girlfriend: That's actually 1890s slang for sex

Me: NO ITS NOT DON'T MAKE ME PICTURE THAT

The British Man tells Fake! Quatermain that he's here on behalf of the government

"THE EMPIRE NEEDS YOU"

Me: "TO HUNT DOWN THOSE REBEL SCUM"

My Girlfriend: "These plans for the death star must be delivered to Darth Sidious at once..."

"But the queshtionnnn ishhhh...do I need tha empire?"

Yep its Sean Connery everyone!

Me: GASP

WHAT A TWIST

The guy who wasn't playing Alan Quatermain in any of the trailers for this film...ISN'T Alan Quatermain!

My Girlfriend: It was Sean Connery all along! I never would have guessed because I somehow missed the film posters on my way in to see this in the cinema

Me: You did not go to see this in the cinema

We're not even paying to watch it NOW...I mean um...we are

My Girlfriend: Don’t pirate movies, kids

Me: WINK WINK

"Nigel is useful for keeping the Shtory Sheekers at bay..."

Me: "I just wish he'd stop going on long rants about the European Union"

My Girlfriend: I feel like Connery has turned his Bond Voice up to eleven here

Me: Its getting out of control

The british man declares that "The empire is in peril!"

Me: "THERE HAS BEEN AN AWAKENING"

"Your probably too young to know...but the empire is always in some kind of peril"

My Girlfriend: Just wait until Star Wars episode seventeen comes out

He tells Quatermain they need him to lead "A team of unique men like yourself to combat this threat"

My Girlfriend: "A team of elderly alcoholic misogynists to combat this threat"

Me: THE HEROES THEY NEED RIGHT NOW

"There is great unrest...."

Me: It is a time of great civil unrest....

My Girlfriend: (Loudly hums the Star Wars theme)

"A war? With who?"

"With everyone...a WORLD war"

Me: A WORLD war?

SURELY NOT

My Girlfriend: Such a notion is ridiculous!

Me: "Britain? Involved in a world war?

BOSH!

FLIMSHAW!"

"And that notion makes you sweat?"

"Heavens man...doesn't it you?"

"This is Africa dear boy...sweating is what we do"

My Girlfriend: "Is he coming on to me?"

Me: It looks like they're really working up a sweat, sitting around drinking heavily while being waited on hand and foot

My Girlfriend: Its a strenuous and back breaking life being an imperialist asshole

The British Man asks Quatermain where his "Sense of patriotism" is and he raises a toast to the queen that the others join in

"That's as patriotic as it gets around here"

My Girlfriend: Well that and when election day rolls around we vote for whoever’s willing to blame all England’s problems on immigrants and gay people

Me: The time honoured "Daily Mail" style of patriotism

The British guy appeals to Quatermain by remind him of how legendary his exploits are and the music gets sad...

Me: Oh this means he's got ANGST

My Girlfriend: A helpful soundtrack

"With each past exploit I've lost friends...white men and black..."

Me: "No Irish though"

My Girlfriend: Alan Quatermain here desperate to let us know that He Has Black Friends

Me: He's not a racist, honest

Even though he's living in a hotel in africa where all the guests are wealthy old white men and all the servants are black

"I am not the man I once was..."

My Girlfriend: "I'm not James Bond anymore...."

But because the plot has to get moving SOMEHOW, some of the Fantom's men show up looking for Alan Quatermain and, oh bitter irony, they get Nigel the Not! Quatermain who pretends to be him for tourists...and shoot him dead instead of the real thing!

Me: OH NO

NOT NIGEL

My Girlfriend: Now whose going to make up lies about funding for the NHS to stick on the side of a bus?!

Alan leaps into action to avenge his fellow refugee from Alcoholics Anonymous and a gunfight breaks out

Me: This is a pretty standard Tuesday night for Sean Connery honestly

My Girlfriend: Barely anything out of the ordinary

"They're indestructible!"

"NO! JUST ARMOUR PLATED!"

Me: Was the idea of body armour really THAT revolutionary at the time?

Like

The romans had this stuff figured out

My Girlfriend: But other than armour plating, what have the romans ever done for us...

The men open fire with machine guns at POINT BLANK RANGE at Alan Quatermain

Every single one of them misses

Me: Okay

so

WHO taught these people how to aim?

My Girlfriend: They're proud graduates of the Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy

Me: They apparently got strict instructions to shoot absolutely everything except the man trying to kill them

My Girlfriend: Maybe they just really hate this racist hotel

"Automatic rifles?

Who the devil has automatic rifles?"

"Dashed unsporting!

PROBABLY BELGIAN"

Me: FINALLY someone brave enough to take a swipe at Belgium

My Girlfriend: Oh old racist guy in a hat...you say the things everyone else isn't thinking, or saying

Me: He's getting a stand up special on Netflix any day now

Quatermain proceeds to just Beat The Crap out of the ineffectual goons

Me: This movie proving what we all knew deep down...no one is a match for the Furious Fists of an inebriated Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: This wasn't even in the script he was just REALLY wasted that day and started smacking the shit out of the extras

He also smashes a drinks trolley over them which...

Me: He would later react with horror at the realisation that he senselessly destroyed a decanter of whiskey during this fight scene

My Girlfriend: SUCH A TERRIBLE WASTE

He uses a bottle to knock out another of the henchmen....

Me: "OH LORD NO

I'D ONLY NEARLY FINISHED DRINKING THAT BOTTLE DRY!"

My Girlfriend: Still one of the least violent incidents involving alcohol that Sean Connery has ever been involved with...

"What a waste..."

Me: He adlibbed that line you know

My Girlfriend: I CAN BELIEVE IT

He then proceeds to finish off another henchman by IMPALING HIM ON A RHINO HORN...and as a union jack flutters onto the body quips "Rule Britannia"

Me: He's just pretending he's in another Bond movie at this point

My Girlfriend: James Bond in...A View to a Lawn He Wants Those Kids To Get Off Of

One of the hench-goons is still fleeing so Quatermain just has the bar keep hurl him a shotgun

Me: Okay I was totally onboard when this film told me Mr Hyde, Captain Nemo and the Invisible Man all exist and team up to fight evil

But a bartender willingly putting a firearm into the hands of Sean Connery?

I'm sorry movie, now you've just gone too far

My Girlfriend: There are limits to our suspension of disbelief

Me: ITS LUDICROUS

He takes aim at the fleeing henchman but then lowers the gun, the British Guy (Who has somehow survived all this carnage) remarking that he was sure the man was too far away for Quatermain to make the shot...only for Quatermain to put his glasses on first remarking "God I hate getting old"

Me: WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

My Girlfriend: MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING

Me: "That's So Quatermain" will be back after these messages

Quatermain wounds the fleeing henchman but as he charges towards him he swallows a suicide pill...

Me: Honestly that's what I'd do if I saw a liquored up Sean Connery charging at me as well

My Girlfriend: He just can't bear to hear yet another fucking anecdote about how hillarious everyone on set found Pussy Galore's name

"Bloody poishon...."

My Girlfriend: I love how he said that as if this sort of thing happens regularly...

"You may have no love for the empire...But I know you love africa"

Me: The whole continent!

Even the parts he has never visited!

My Girlfriend: "I love...Africa...I love...lamp...."

Me: "Alan are you just naming random things you can see"

"A war in Europe will spread...to its colonies"

And then behind them the hotel BLOWS THE FUCK UP

"It apppears the war has arrived..."

My Girlfriend: "I really didn't expect to be proved right quite so quickly"

Me: Our hero

motivated by the noble mission of DEFENDING COLONIALISM

My Girlfriend: SO HONOURABLE

He leaves and Alan stares mournfully at a graveyard nearby...

Me: He's mourning that bottle of whiskey he had to smash over one of the villains heads

My Girlfriend: "There should have been another way..."

Soon we are in "London, July 1899"

My Girlfriend: it is VITAL we know the month

Me: SO IMPORTANT

"You made good time getting here!"

"Not as good as Phileas Fogg!

Around the world in eighty days!"

Me: I love how this movie takes a comics story that blended famous fictional characters into a strange and surreal shared universe and turns it into people just...screaming titles of books at each other

My Girlfriend: I half expect him to wink at the audience when he says that line

Me: He basically does?

He does that weird little "Heh" thing at the end of that line

Its Connery going "THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT CHARACTERS FROM FICTION WHO KNOW EACH OTHER OKAY"" to the viewers the studio are firmly convinvced are absolute morons

Quatermain is lead into the meeting room of the LOEG...

"I don't like theatrics!"

My Girlfriend: "And I'm not keen on musicals either!"

He's greeted by M, the one bringing the league together....

Me: "AHHHHHH GOOD EVENING MEESTER BOOOONNNDDDD...

I mean um...

I'm totally not the films villain

By the way"

"Identify yourself..."

"I'm known by many names Mr Quatermain"

My Girlfriend: "I do a LOT of Credit Card Fraud"

"Underlings call me sir

My superiors call me M"

Me: "Some call me the Artist Formerly Known as Sir"

My Girlfriend: "There are those who call me...TIM"

"M?"

"JUST...M"

Me: "Like Cher"

My Girlfriend: "Or Madonna"

He welcomes Alan to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and explains that there have been times when the world needed the services of "Singular individuals"

Me: Individuals who can drink two whole bottles of scotch without even flinching

My Girlfriend: Individuals ready and willing to be grumpy and inebriated at a moments notice

He introduces Quatermain to another recruit...Captain Nemo!

"I know of...Mr Quatermain"

Me: "He borrowed twenty dollars from me and never paid me back"

"And I know of you, captain"

My Girlfriend: "You stiffed me on your half of the restaurant bill at Olive Garden last year"

"Rumour has it that your a pirate"

"I would prefer a less provocative title..."

Me: "Look I just refuse to pay for a Hulu subscription when all I want to do is keep up to date on Runaways okay"

My Girlfriend: "I will not apologise for using torrents and you can't make me"

M tells the two to settle down....

Me: "Gentlemen please...stop almost raising your voices at one another"

My Girlfriend: If this gets any more heated a mild quarrel might break out

Me: Possibly even a heated disagreement

He talks about "Nations are striking at nations" hence the league being brought together

Me: "By the way thank you so much for not drawing attention to how much I'm trying to look like Vincent Price"

My Girlfriend: "You shouldn't take it as a sign I'm untrustworthy"

Me: He is literally one camp line delivery away from winning a horror convention look alike contest

He reveals to them that all the attacks of a man who calls himself "The Fantom"

"VERY OPERATIC"

Me: ...

GET OUT

GET OUT NOW

My Girlfriend: I want to murder whoever wrote that line with my bare hands

Me: I WILL HELP

M explains that the Fantom has captured scientists build him terrible weapons, uses them to launch attacks on other countries and then sells the inventions to various countries to fight back with

Me: Okay seriously is no one going to bring up the fact this man looks eerily like Vincent Price because its bugging me now

I keep expecting him to offer them money to stay at the house on haunted hill....

My Girlfriend: Is no one going to ask HOW he knows all of this about the Fantom?

Me: That would be an excellent question so of course the answer is no they will not

M explains that there's going to be a conference in Venice and their team of six has four days to get there

Quatermain: Four days to get to Venice?

That's impossible

Nemo: Let me worry about that

Me: "I'll do all the worrying about how impossible it is to get to Venice"

My Girlfriend: "I don’t have a way to get us there, I just have very severe anxiety"

Me: "Apologies if the way I phrased that response was misleading"

"Well now...extraordinary gentlemen indeed!"

Me: "One of has has a way to Get To Places Quickly!

I AM LOSING MY SHIT"

My Girlfriend: He'll be less thrilled when he learns Nemo just plans to shoot him at Venice out of a cannon like he was Sideshow Bob

M explains that they are expecting a chemist and then someone with a truly horrifying cockney accent pipes up "Chemist eh? Do we get to blow something up?"

Me: That’s what chemists do alright

My Girlfriend: AND NOTHING ELSE

"My eyesight must be worse than I thought" muses Quatermain as he looks for the source of the voice

Me: "What could I have been drinking that causes bad eyesight I wonder?"

My Girlfriend: Its honestly a miracle he can see at all right now

"No games M!"

Me: "What about Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

My Girlfriend: Quatermain is having horrible Pictionary flashbacks

Me: "I DREW A GIRAFFE! HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THATSH A GIRAFFE?!?!?!?!"

M explains how a while ago a "Brilliant albeit misguided" scientist turned himself invisible

"Yes I recall the tale...but didn't he die?"

Me: Alan Quatermain is a stickler for continuity

My Girlfriend: He will be having none of this AU bullshit

the invisible man in the room explains that the process to turn someone invisible survived and he stole it

Me: I would genuinely love to know how you go about Stealing Invisibility Formulas

My Girlfriend: I like to think he just swiped the scientists diary

"I'm feeling a bit of a draft on my nethers...."

Me: THE INVISIBLE NUDIST

"Allow me to introduce myself...Rodney Skinner...Gentleman Thief"

Me: "Apples and pears, bobs yer uncle, ow's yer father"

My Girlfriend: "Step in time, it's a jolly 'oliday wiv mary, a sweep is as lucky as lucky can be"

"I thought invisibility would be a boon to my work"

Me: He hoped he could use it to erase this movie from his IMDB page

My Girlfriend: A REASONABLE GOAL

As he applies some bright white facepaint he explains that "Once your invisible, bloody hard to turn back"

Me: "I really shouldn't have skipped that chapter in Invisibility 101"

"Finally caught you..."

My Girlfriend: Question...HOW?

Like

Yes he can't turn visible but

How does one go about

LOOKING

For an invisible man

Me: I really hope the answer is they just sprayed talc everywhere and looked for footprints like in that one Sabrina The Teenage Witch episode

He explains that the government will give him a cure for his invisibility if he helps them

My Girlfriend: They've got top invisibility experts working around the clock on this

Me: Imagine being called into that meeting

"Stop what your doing...we need you to come up with a CURE for invisibility"

He explains that he'll get the cure "If I'm a good boy"

"And are you a good boy?" asks Quatermain

Me: "What would you like for Christmas this year?"

My Girlfriend: "You'll only get it if you leave out some whiskey for me to drink"

Me: "Because your Santa?"

My Girlfriend: "N...I mean yes, that’s why..."

And then enters Mina Harker, asking if she's late

"A womans perogative Miss Harker!"

My Girlfriend: "Like being a sexist douchebag is miiiiine"

"PLEASH tell me this is Harkers Wife...with a Sick note..."

Me: "Invisible monstrosities and mass murdering pirates are one thing but WOMEN!?!?!"

My Girlfriend: "WHATS NEXT, THE GAYS?!?!?"

M introduces Mina to the group and says her "Prior aquaintance" may make her useful

Me: Guessing who that refers to may drive me BATTY

My Girlfriend: BITE ME

"I'm waiting to be impressed..."

Me: Alan Quatermain sums up the feelings of everyone who paid money to see this movie...

M sends them on their way as the Insivible Cockney declares "Kicking us out already? A minute ago it was sherry and giggles!"

Me: "Gotta be off to go menace the cast of the Mighty Boosh now"

My Girlfriend: "This dodgy geezer kicking me out on me jackjones? That's bloody cheeky that is"

Once they're outside....

Quatermain: WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THAT

Me: That's a CAR Allan

My Girlfriend: That's actually how Sean Connery reacts to seeing cars in real life these days

Me: "SOME KIND OF HORSHELESS CARRIAGE!"

"I call it...an AUTO-MOBILE"

"Yeah...but what is it?"

Me: AN AUTO...MOBILE

My Girlfriend:"Did my dramatic announcement not explain it adequately"

"The future gentlemen...the future"

Me: "I enjoy giving vague and unsatisfactory replies to peoples questions...just to be a dick"

My Girlfriend: He takes his enjoyment where he can

As they get into the auto...mobile...Nemo also introduces his first mate

"Call me Ishmael"

Me: .....

Okay thats actually pretty funny

My Girlfriend: POINT FOR YOU, MOVIE

Me: THAT DID MAKE ME GIGGLE

They zoom off watched by....

Me: I KNEW IT

ITS...SOME GUY IN A HAT

My Girlfriend: He somehow knows who they are and where they're going

Even though that makes

NO SENSE

Since he's been stood in a streetcorner in the rain this whole time

My Girlfriend: To be fair he could just have spotted the BRIGHT WHITE CAR driving through the streets of london and assumed whoever’s in that is a main character

My Girfriend: "If ah follow that vee-hi-cle ahm sure to find the plot!"

As they drive over the team makes strained small talk with Quatermain basically telling Mina that she doesn't know danger is because she's just a woman

Me: And when have WOMEN ever faced DANGER in our lives

My Girlfriend: Everyone knows we just spend all day at the nail salon talking about boys!

"I imagine you must have quite a library Mr Quatermain...all those books you must have read merely by looking at their covers"

Me:.....

Okay Mina I'm on your side here because Alan is a DICK

But that can't have even sounded clever in your HEAD

My Girlfriend: YOU CAN DO BETTER MINA

"I've had women along on past exploits...and found them to be at best...a distraction"

Me: And yet this is still less sexist than Sean Connery's actual real life views

My Girlfriend: He looks at Alan Quatermain in this movie as some kind of radical hippy progressive

Mina asks Quatermain if she "Distracts him" and he replies that he's "Buried two wives...and many lovers...."

My Girlfriend: LIKE NIGEL

Me: POOR NIGEL...he died as he lived....drunk

The team soon arrive at the East London Docks...

My Girlfrend: Well they're going to get stabbed and/or robbed

Me: Oh the docks were not THAT bad back then

My Girlfriend: Back then?

We also spot the most amazing poster...

Me: Sorry did that say MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES

My Girlfriend: IT DID INDEED

And I have

Many questions about that poster

Me: Its both clumsy foreshadowing for a sequel that will never happen...and also utterly nonsensical

My Girlfriend: MARS MAY BE VOLCANOES EVERYONE

Me: It was the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" meme of the 1890s

My Girlfriend: That or its the work of 1800s scientologists

The League disembark and the Invisible Cockney remarks "This is a charming spot...does Jack the Ripper live here?"

Me: "No, he's the subject of a different Alan Moore movie adaptation altogether"

My Girlfriend: "One that is even more dissapointing than this one if such a thing can be believed"

A knock at the door and...

"Good EVEning...."

Me: "I heard your group wasn't quite camp enough yet..."

My Girlfriend: "Allow me to fix that..."

They've arrived at the home of Dorian Gray and Alan tells them that M sent them "Ah yesssss...M for Mystery....."

Me: MARTIN Mystery

He tells them he doesn't want to be involved in whatever they're doing..

Me: If only he'd told his agent the same thing...

Mina asks him to let them in and he recognises her because everyone knows everyone

My Girlfriend: So Penny Dreadful was basically League of Extraordinary Gentleman, right?

Me: It actually managed to be a more faithful adaptation than the actual film was

As they enter his house Alan notes an empty spot on the wall "Your missing a Picture, Mr Gray"

Me: A picture?

I wonder who it could have been of?

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED

Me: A real headscratcher

"Scotch anyone?"

"Please, help yourself"

Me: NEVER say those words when Sean Connery is within earshot

My Girlfriend: That bottle is going to be empty the next time the camera cuts to it

"I'm impressed Mr Gray...you take Skinner's uniqueness in your stride"

"Yes well I've seen too much in my life to shock easily..."

Me: "I do sometimes get startled or confounded though"

My Girlfriend: "Once in a while I even get astounded!"

He then purrs at Mina that he was "Surprised to see YOU again" in the sleaziest way possible while stroking his cane

Me: Can he please stop playing with his cane while he says that?

My Girlfriend: I do not like ANYTHING about the way he said that

Not one thing

Me: Dorian Gray...sleazy pick up artist

My Girlfriend: He's going to start negging her any minute now

"Ah, so your nothing more than an enticement..."

Me: OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY IS NEGGING HER

My Girlfriend: Why did I have to be right about that

"Your presence intrigues me..."

Me: From the way he's fiddling with his cane I think a cold shower is what should intrigue him

"They say your indestructible, Mr Quatermain"

"Well a witch doctor did bless me once..."

My Girlfriend: "He also blessed some rains, down in Africa..."

Me: His friend the witch doctor he told him what to do

He told him Oo ee

Oo Ahh Ahh

Ting Tang

Walla Walla Bing Bang...

My Girlfriend: STOP THAT

Quatermain says that "Africa will nevver allow him to die"

Me: "That's what Africa is there for after all...to help old white colonialists cheat death and stay healthy"

My Girlfriend: I guess now we know what's stopped the alcohol from finishing him of all these years

Nemo says that he's curious what Dorian Gray would bring to the group saying that they all have traits that are useful

"A hunter...a scientist...even Skinner has stealth"

Me: He's listing off the character classes for the LOEG Role Playing Game here

My Girlfriend: Note these down!

"I have...experience"

Me: "And a PIMP CANE"

My Girlfriend: "I'm here to fill every scene with an overwhelming aura of skin crawling sleazyness"

Quatermain brings up how he once met Gray at college...and how he hasn't aged a day since then. Mina looks SHOOK

Me: "An immortal?

THATS ALARMING

IVE NEVER MET ONE OF THOSE BEFORE"

My Girlfriend: People supernaturally keeping themselves young is definitely something that Mina Harker has never heard of in her life

But before anyone can ask more questions the scene is interrupted by more of the Fantom's henchmen!

Me: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IN THERE

My Girlfriend: Their uniform consists of pots and pans strapped to their body...they should NOT be this stealthy

"Gray?"

"They are not mine"

My Girlfriend: "Though its not the first time I've had a group of strangely dressed men in my home..."

"They're mine!"

And so enter our films villain

My Girlfriend: This costume design is certainly A Choice

Me: Its really something

"I am...the Fantom...and you are the League of of so called...Extraordinary Gentlemen...."

Me: "Please excuse me while I decide what accent to do in this scene"

My Girlfriend: I think its...russian?

Maybe?

"I’m scarred Mr Quatermain, not blind...drop the gun"

Me: "I'm not blind...I just have no depth perception because I covered one of my eyes up with a silver mask"

My Girlfriend: foiled by the Fantom's accursed 20 20 vision

"Your mission is to stop me...that of course I cannot permit..."

My Girlfriend: I feel like we're watching a cutscene from the video game adaptation that Never Was

"So I give to all a special one time invitation..."

Me: "TO MCDONALDS"

My Girlfriend: "I'm treating you all to Happy Meals"

Fantom tells them to "Jooooiiiinnnn meeeeeeee"

Nemo and Quatermain both bring up how the Fantom's trying to start a war just so he can make money selling weapons of death...his answer? "I cannot deny...fortunes are made in war..."

Me: That's not the best counter arguement

My Girlfriend: "Your a murdering arms dealer!"

Me: "Yes. So shall we be friends?"

But then LE GASP!

One of the Fantom's henchmen ISN'T one of his henchmen and he shoots one of the Actual Henchmen!

AND SO A GUNFIGHT BREAKS OUT AGAIN

My Girlfriend: Sorry are they...are they shooting the make up off of the Invisible Man there because

I don't think thats how make up works

Me: OR DOES IT

Their helper guns down some of the Fantom's men as the Fantom himself flees

Me: AND ALL THESE MEN HAD JUST THREE DAYS LEFT UNTIL RETIREMENT

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD THE ARMOUR DOES NOTHING"

Me: "WHY DIDN'T WE ARMOUR OUR FACES

WHY DID ONLY THE FANTOM GET A HELMET TO PROTECT HIS FACE"

Henchman: DRAW YOUR PISTOL

Nemo: I WALK A DIFFERENT PATH

(Draws his sword and starts stabbing people left and right)

My Girlfriend: "I MURDER PEOPLE WITH SWORDS INSTEAD OF WITH GUNS

WHICH IS MUCH MORE MORAL"

Me: This seems like a dubious moral high ground at best

My Girlfriend: He's taken a solemn vow never to kill a man with anything that will end his life quickly

As Quatermain chases after the Fantom, Some Guy appears to engage in fisticuffs while yelling after the Fantom "RUN JAMES"

Me: JAMES THE FANTOM

My Girlfriend: The world will quiver at the mere mention of the name JAMES

Dorian is slicing his way through the group with his sword cane...

Me: Not the first time he's roughly penetrated a large number of men in that room

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA

NO

While Quatermain gets the crap kicked out of him....

Me: Ah this brings back memories for Sean Connery

My Girlfriend: From his time as James Bond?

Me: No from last night at that bar he started a fight in when they wouldn't serve him anymore...

The Invisible Man bludgeons a guy with a book

Me: Good thing that wasn't a copy of George RR Martin's work, that man would be dead right now

Quatermain defeats his opponent...

Me: "THATSH FOR SHAYING THAT PIERCE BROSHNAN WAS A BETTER BOND THAN I WASH"

My Girlfriend: "I REGRET...NOTHING..."

And Dorian gets riddled with bullets!

OH NOES!

But don't worry he's totally fine because of course he is

My Girlfriend: So was Dorian Gray being immortal here meant to be a twist

Me: The filmmakers assumed their target audience had never actually read a book

Dorian cuts the henchmens armour off and stabs him up...

Me: Not the first time he's cut a mans clothes off in that room...

And the man falls to the floor, ripping Dorian's shirt off as he does so

Me: OR the first time that a mans dropped to his knees in front of him while tearing his clothes off....

My Girlfriend: "I may die...but at least I ruined...your outfit"

"What are you?"

"I'm complicated"

Me: "I'm a thinly veiled self insert character created by an extremely racist gay playwright"

The Fantom escapes the fake! henchman by taking a dive out a window....

Me: He's going to be embarrassed when he sees there was a door right there....

My Girlfriend: SO NEEDLESS

Back at the aftermath of the pointless action sequence the Invisible Man is complimenting Dorian on his invincibility

Me: Its handy for him to spell out just what Gray's powers are for those who haven’t quite been keeping up

My Girlfriend: The Invisible Exposition Machine

Gray asks where Mina is and Quatermain says shes probably "Hip deep in trouble"

Me: Oh Alan Quatermain, you charming old misogynist you

My Girlfriend: OUR HERO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Mina appears with a cheerful "Don't be such an alarmist Mr Q!"

Me: "Mr Q"?

REALLY?

My Girlfriend: "Mellow out dayy-o don't be such a square"

"And my hips are none of your business"

Me: "But I can tell you for fact that they do not lie"

SUDDENLY MINA IS TAKEN HOSTAGE!

Me: So was that one guy hiding during the whole fight on the off chance he could take a hostage and walk out?

My Girlfriend: He's not henchmaning hard he's henchmaning SMART

He says that he's sure the group will do anything to protect Mina...and she says he's mistake if he thinks SHE needs protection...as her eyes go red...

Me: "I wonder what that could mea...OH GOOOOOOOOOOD"

And yep she just starts chowing down on the guys neck

Me: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

My Girlfriend: Who could have guessed this would go badly for him

Me: I guess she’s found

Her NECKS victim

Eh?

My Girlfriend: GET OUT

We then get a hillarious glimpse of her mouth covered in what is supposed to be blood...

Me: "AHHHHHH DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY-LICIOUS FLAVOUR"

My Girlfriend: From this shot we can deduce that this man’s veins are in fact, filled with jam

Nemo's reaction?

"Extraordinary"

Me: "We must drop the title of the film into conversation every chance we get"

My Girlfriend: Just in case people forgot what film they're watching

"Boy...they told me European women had funny ways..."

Me: I'm glad he's cool with local customs like draining people of their blood to live forever

My Girlfriend: He doesn't feel its right to pre-judge these things

Me: Don't knock it till you've tried it

Our films Token American introduces himself as "Special Agent Tom Sawyer, of the American Secret Service"

Me: Somewhere, as we speak, Mark Twain is rolling in his grave

My Girlfriend: Somewhere as we speak Mark Twain is crawling out of his grave to kill whoever wrote this film script

"Then America is aware of the situation?"

Me: Shocking, given how subtle the Fantom has been acting

My Girlfriend: Who would have guessed a little thing like blowing up an entire fleet of blimps with a missile launcher would attract attention

Sawyer explains that if a war starts in europe its only a matter of time until it spreads to America

Me: Ah, self interest...the most noble of all heroic traits

My Girlfriend: "Sure he's only killing foreigners now but soon he might start killing people our country cares about!"

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not welcome but we're distracted by...

Me: OKAY HOW IS HIS SHIRT FIXED

That shirt was riddled with bullets and torn off a second ago

WHEN DID HE DO THIS WARDROBE CHANGE

My Girlfriend: Maybe his clothes also magically heal like his body does?

Me: THE WARDROBE OF DORIAN GRAY

My Girlfriend: Not to be confused with the closet of Dorian Gray which is something else altogether

Mina brings up how Dorian has refused to join but he says that the battle was "Just the spur I needed"

Me: "Before I had no desire to come along but now someone's tried to murder me?

I’m in"

My Girlfriend: We're operating on Shounen Anime Logic here

Dorian tells Sawyer he's not allowed to join their Cool Fictional Heroes Club but Quatermain asks to see Sawyer's gun....

Me: Quatermain senses the chance to possibly build a father son bond with this character that might actually make his character more sympathetic

My Girlfriend: That or he's thinking that he'll be able to carry twice as many liquor bottles back to the car with a younger stronger man to help him

"Winchester..."

Me: "I got it from these two brothers..."

My Girlfriend: Do not

reference

that fuckin show

"American style!"

"American style shooting too"

Me: In an authentic american style barbecue glaze!

"You like it? I brought two"

Me: "I still need convincing"

My Girlfriend: "I also brought whiskey"

Me: HE'S COMING WITH US

Yes, Sawyer joins the group and off they go with Nemo telling Dorian that they're off to paris to get the last member of their group

Me: Sawyer is immediately horrified at the thought he might have to work with a frenchman

My Girlfriend: "Vampires are one thing, but the French!?"

Quatermain says they'll have to "Capture" this last member with Mina noting that he "Makes him sound like some kind of animal"

Me: OR A POKEMON

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Go

Me: Travel around recruiting famous literary figures to beat up a heavily scarred russian man with you!

They bring up Mina's whole blood drinking thing with the Invisible Cockney declaring they're "All a-quiver" to hear more about it

Me: TIME FOR SOME BACKSTORY

My Girlfriend: Its just not the same when there's no sepia toned flashbacks to go along with it

"My husband was Jonathan Harker...together with Professor Van Helsing we fought a dangerous evil...it had a name...Dracurahhhhhh...he was Transylvanian"

Me: "And most definitely did not pronounce his name like that"

My Girlfriend: What in god’s name was the way she said that line

Me: "Guys?

Guys I messed up the end of that line? I completely butchered the pronunciation of Dracula's name? Are we...are we not doing a second take?

We're still fiming? Okay then..."

The Invisible Man asks if he was "One of those radicals"

"I don't know...is the vampiric sucking of peoples blood radical behaviour?"

Me: Its a tad unconventional, I'll admit

My Girlfriend: A LITTLE BIT UNORTHODOX

Me: Somewhat eccentric

Nemo announces that their transportation has arrived

"A boat?"

"It travels on water if that’s what you mean...AND BENEATH IT"

Me: "BEHOLD

SOME TRULY HORRENDOUS CGI"

My Girlfriend: This green screen abomination will get them where they need to go!

"Next stop...Paris!"

Me: HERE WE ARE AT PARIS

In Paris a hulking figure in torn up clothes wearing a top hat is fleeing across the rooftops as below the group gives chase

Me: HERE WE ARE AT ROOFTOPS

My Girlfriend: Samantha, stop that

Me: HERE WE ARE AT CHASE SCENE

"What do we need a big monkey for?"

"This big monkey has terrorised the |Rue Morgue for months!"

Me: Murders?

In the Rue Morgue?

Surely not...

My Girlfriend: Mother of god...

"Imagine the mayhem he'll give the enemy!"

Me: Quatermain is ecstatic at the thought of unleashing a mass murdering cannibal on countless people

My Girlfriend: But they are Bad People so its okay

CHASE SCENE CONTINUES

My Girlfriend: How is his hat not falling off there?

Me: The top hat isn't actually a top hat at all he's just got a really weirdly shaped skull

Quatermain takes a shot and fails to hit him

"Missed!"

"I'm not trying to hit him"

Me: Ah that's what I would always say when my dad would force me to play football and the ball wouldn't even come close to the goal

"YOU MISED"

"I'M NOT TRYING TO HIT IT"

"TURN LEFT MISTER HYDE!"

Me: Oh no, now he won't get that temp job and won't be there to save the Tenth Doctor's life!

My Girlfriend: You

fucking

NERD

Me: :D

Hyde, because that’s who the top hatted guy is continues to run as the two fire wildly at him

Me: So this is Paris...in the EIGHTEEN NINETIES

No one

Not one person on this street

Is alarmed or puzzled at the presence of an american and an englishman, running through the streets, screaming and firing guns at the rooftops?

My Girlfriend: They just look out the window, see its Sean Connery and go "Oh god it must have been closing time at the bar down the street"

Sawyer is almost crushed by some falling rubble

"That was naughty..."

Me: Nearly murdering someone with a chimney is very mischievous behaviour

My Girlfriend: He's a little dickens is what he is

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: And yet you basically will for the entirety of this film

My Girlfriend: MUCH TO OUR REGRET

Quatermain sniffs the air and declares that Mr Hyde is afraid

Me: "I can smell his fear

Because apparently I’m Wolverine now”

Quatermain manages to fire off enough shots that he knocks the startled Mr Hyde from the rooftop

Me: No more HYDE-ing for you

My Girlfriend: Why are you like this

Quatermain fires off a flare and suddenly a giant net bursts out, wraps around the startled Hyde and drags him to the Nautilus YES REALLY

My Girlfriend: And so ends this game of Hyde and Seek

Me: BABE I'M SO PROUD OF YOU

My Girlfriend: I'm so ashamed of myself

You’re a horrible influence

"Welcome to the Nautilus Mr Hyde"

Me: "We've left a complimentary chocolate mint on your pillow and your breakfast wake up call is at eight am"

They head back to the ship with a confused looking Sawyer marvelling at Hyde’s GIANT TOP HAT that he's dropped on the ground

Me: He's wondering where he got a top hat that huge

My Girlfriend: Seriously does he have a specialist haberdasher he can call on day or night?

Me: "Where the hell does this man buy his clothes"

At the Nautilus in her...lab I guess? Mina is grumping about Quatermain's sexism and doing a passable imitation of Connery's accent

"Thish huntsh too dangeroush for a woman...even one shuch ash you...leave it to me..."

My Girlfriend: Is the movie riffing itself at this point?

Me: THATS OUR JOB MOVIE

Only we get to mock the ridiculous way your characters speak!

The sound of Hyde roaring from somewhere in the ship does Mina a startle and she heads out to check what's happening and...

Me: Okay I have to give the movie this

I really really like Mina's outfit here?

For...reasons

My Girlfriend: Would the reasons be that she's hot and your gay?

Me: Its got this sexy schoolteacher vibe...like I can just imagine her leaning toward me in it and being all "Well now I have you in detention what AM I going to do with you you NAUGHTY GIRL"

My Girlfriend: I'll just bet you can...

The Invisible Man and Dorian also stroll toward the sound of the commotion with the Invisible Man noting that "The great white hunters bagged his prize!"

Me: "He's finally won on that crane game"

My Girlfriend: And it only cost him eighty pounds in fifty pence pieces

We get a good look at Hyde at last and...

Me: WOW

Remember when I said the Nautilus was atrocious CGI?

My Girlfriend: Yes?

Me: I ttake it back its a MASTERPIECE compared to this...

As Hyde knocks people around the Invisible Man is knocked off his feet...luckily Dorian helps him up

But whats this?

"OW! You scratched me!"

"Better me than him"

Me: Okay but Dorian that...that doesn't explain WHY you scratched him

My Girlfriend: "Don't kinkshame me"

"Mr Hyde!

You’ve done terrible things in England!

So terrible that you fled the country!"

Me: "WE KNOW YOUR THE ONE WHO WROTE MY IMMORTAL"

My Girlfriend: They've finally caught up with the monster responsible for suggesting to Boris Johnson that he go into politics

"I'm ashamed to say that her majesties government is willing to offer you amnesty"

Me: Who would have believed we'd see the day that the British government was involved in anything morally questionable

My Girlfriend: I AM SHOOK

Me: It’s hard to fathom I know

"Do you want to go home?"

"Home...home is where the heart is...so they say"

Me: Mr Hyde's dialogue courtesy of a welcome mat purchased from Wal Mart

"London’s sorrow is as sweet to me as a rare wine..."

My Girlfriend: Mr Hyde's other dialogue courtesy of a T shirt from Hot Topic

Mr Hyde: I'M YOURS

(WEIRD GROWL)

Mina: O.O

HM

Me: Okay so from that expression and that little noise she just made I guess we can confirm that Mina Harker is a Canon Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: She's going to create an entirely new erotica genre when she gets back to her room

Me: "Pounded by A Character From the Public Domain"

"Don't be afraid"

"Who says I''m afraid?"

"YOU DOOOOOOOO!"

Me: SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT HYDE

"YOU STINK OF FEAR!"

My Girlfriend: Actually that's just the thick aroma of Dorian Gray's drakkar noir soaked clothes

Me: EASY TO MIX THE TWO UP

"Quite the parlour trick"

"Wait till you see my next one..."

And so Mr Hyde begins thrashing around as he transforms back to his regular form

Me: Its always controversial when he does that one at kids birthday parties

My Girlfriend: He's never understood why...

It’s at that point that some paper just...pops out of a wall and Nemo announces that the conference they have to stop the Fantom ruining is "In three days"

Me: "THE WALL JUST TOLD ME SO"

My Girlfriend: Sure is handy he keeps his ships only means of communication in the same room as prisoners

Sawyer asks if its possible for the Nautilus to make it there in time

My Girlfriend: "You let me worry about that..."

But no he actually tells him that he "Underestimates the Nautilus"

My Girlfriend: "I wasn't really underestimating her I was just asking you a question"

Me: "I feel like it was a legitimate query"

"You underestimate her greatly....

(And then the scene just kind of fades out to a scene of the boat skimming across the waves while Nemo's Ghostly Face hovers over it

Me: "You underestimate her power to travel by means of a screen wipe"

My Girlfriend: "And her ability to make my face hover strangely over large bodies of water"

Me: “THE NAUTILUS CAN TURN ME INTO A GIANT GHOST”

On the deck of the Nautilus Quatermain is doing some shooting while Sawyer makes Lustful Eyes at Mina...Quatermain tells him she out of his league

Me: VAMPIRE LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU

Vampiric love belongs to the lesbians!

My Girlfriend: BEGONE, HETEROSEXUAL

Dorian creeps along to bother Mina and Sawyer decides that now is the time he should go bother her too declaring "Fortune rewards the bold"

Me: I think the saying is actually that it FAVOURS the bold but sure

My Girlfriend: Go ahead and mangle the English language like you have the works of Mark Twain

"If your require any help during the voyage Ms Harker, please let me know"

"I'm curious how you think you'll assist me"

My Girlfriend: "I was hoping to assist you with orgasms..."

Me: I love Mina's face here

Straight up looking at him like "I would break you in half little boy"

Sawyer suggests he could help with "Heavy lifting"

Me: "Those clothes you’re wearing look heavy, I could take them off for you"

Sawyer declares he's a "Useful kind of guy" as he opens a door for Mina

My Girlfriend: Opening a door would be far too great a challenge for a mere woman

Me: Thank god he's around

"Your sweet...and your young. Neither are traits that I hold in high regard"

Me: "I like my lovers older and extremely bitchy"

Dorian strolls past and pats Sawyer on the arm condescendingly

My Girlfriend: Oh look, speak of the devil...

Nemo declares that the ship will be diving soon and invites everyone to go back inside so they don't you know, drown

"Mr Skinner, Dr Jeckyl"

"Captain"

"Nemo"

My Girlfriend: "Yes that is my name, between the two of you you got it right"

The boat submerges Majestically

Me: WE NOW RETURN

TO NIGHT BOAT

My Girlfriend: After these messages

Me: If your looking for League....better check under the seeeeeaaaaaaaaaa

'cause that is where you'll fiiiiiiiiind leeeeaaaaaaaague

seeeeeaaaaa leaaaaaaaguuueeeeee

Underneath the waaaaaaater

Nemo reveals that what the Fantom stole were Da Vinci's blueprints of venice

Me: This is how Art Theft was done before Deviantart or Tumblr existed

My Girlfriend: It was much more literal back then

Me: Callout Post for the Fantom...reblog, don't repost!

Also stop murdering people

My Girlfriend: ITS PROBLEMATIC

Sawyer declares that the Fantom will attack by sea and Nemo gives him the Saltiest Look

Me: "Is your entire function in this film to State The Obvious"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!

No plot detail no matter how trivial or obvious will be left to the viewers own brain to work out...just sit back, relax and let the characters tell you everything

We cut to later where Quatermain is relaxing in his room....only for him to suddenly turn out the light and get into a scuffle with...The Invisible Man who was lurking there!

My Girlfriend: Should we ask why the Invisible Man was lurking in Quatermain;s bedroom...NAKED...in the middle of the night?

Me: Given what he's like in the comics?

No

No we should not

"I WANT YOU DRESSED AT ALL TIMES! OR ITS MY BOOT UP YOUR ARSE!"

(Throws the Invisible Nudist out of his room)

Me: The exact same thing happened to me once when I gravely misunderstood the meaning of "Casual Fridays" at work

My Girlfriend: Anyone could have made that mistake

Later still he meets up with Nemo who tells him dinner is being served and offers him a dinner jacket

"Thank you, no"

Me: "Oh okay then, just don't make any effort whatsoever to dress up fancy"

My Girlfriend: "This is a nice dinner on a fancy ship but sure show up for it dressed like you just escaped from Jumanji"

"I may have been overly rude when I called you a pirate"

"I may have been overly charitable when I said I wasn't one"

Me: "But damn it I am NOT paying for a Disney+ membership"

My Girlfriend: "The Nautilus's hold is actually stuffed full of bootleg DVD's"

Nemo explains that he tries to live only in the present where the "Ghosts of the past" can't harm him. He asks Quatermain if he feels the same way

"I don't believe in ghosts...although I've seen my share"

Me: "Skeletons though, those are fucking terrifying

Watch out for those"

My Girlfriend: He's seen his share of ghosts but it always turned out to be a guy in a costume trying to scare away some Meddling Kids

Me: JINKIES

Nemo notes that Quatermain's past haunts him and so now he throws himself into harms way

Me: Because why have the audience interpret the characters motivations and personality from their words and actions in the film when you can instead just have them point at each other and go "And here's your backstory...and here's your backstory...and here's your backstory"

My Girlfriend: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

It analyses itself so the audience doesn't have to

Quatermain responds with a line about how tigers sensing the end are at their most fierce

My Girlfriend: I really don't think tigers "Sense the end"

Me: Tigers have supernatural powers babe

It's one of the wonderful things about tigers

We cut to the next morning where Ishmael is letting Nemo know that someone has been meddling in the navigation room...

Me: GASP

A traitor?

On this team of fine upstanding people that includes a thief, a vampire, a misogynist and a man who sold his soul to the devil?

My Girlfriend: WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT

As Nemo examines some strange powder....

My Girlfriend: "Cocaine...this was clearly the work of Sean Connery..."

We see a book fall over

Me: Almost like there was some kind of man whose invisible here....

Up on deck Quatermain is doing some shooting again...

Me: The sea is littered with the dead animals he's fragged by accident on this trip

My Girlfriend: Leaving a crimson trail in his violent wake

Sawyer shows up on deck to ask him why he signed up for this...

Me: "Because whiskey doesn't come cheap lad and I can't keep living off what I saved up from the James Bond days...oh wait you were talking to my character"

My Girlfriend: "Never mind then"

Sawyer says that he heard Quatermain hates the British Empire and Quatermain just replies with "They called and I came"

My Girlfriend: That really doesn't answer his question but okay

Me: I think he's missing a page from his script...

Quatermain begins some backstory with "A few years ago...."

Me: "In Burma...my friends and I were working for the local government..."

My Girlfriend: "When we came across a child playing with a tangerine...the size...of a tangerine"

Quatermain talks about how he was given a mission for "Queen and country" and he signed up right away

"I even took my son along..."

Me: "In retrospect it was a poorly thought out Take Your Child to Work Day..."

"He died in my arms..."

My Girlfriend: "I warned him not to swim less than an hour after eating but would he listen..."

"After that I washed my hands of England...the empire..."

Me: I mean the British Empire is definitely utterly terrible, no argument there but I'm not sure why he's blaming them for his son getting killed

My Girlfriend: Really sounds like it was all your fault, not theirs Alan

Me: This is one of the few tragedies in the 1800's that they can't be blamed for

The two stand around awkwardly after THAT little revelation

Me: Sawyer's wondering where he can get a "Sorry you got your son killed" card

My Girlfriend: I think Paperchase sells those...

"Now...would you like to learn how to shoot?"

My Girlfriend: "Enough experiencing emotions...let's repress them with violence like men are supposed to do!"

Me: "We need to stop developing our characters at once"

Sawyer says that he can already shoot and Quatermain responds by telling him his shooting is "Very american...fire enough bullets and hope they hit the target"

Me: ITS THE AMERICAN WAY

"I'm talking about pipping the ace from nine hundred yards!"

My Girlfriend: "Let me teach you how to kill things more efficiently"

Me: "LIKE A HERO SHOULD"

He hands Sawyer his rifle and tells him to be careful with it

Me: "Don't grab at your weapon so roughly...it might go off prematurely in your hand"

My Girlfriend: S A M A N T H A

NO

Sawyer takes aim as Quatermain tells him he has all the time in the world....

Me: Next he's going to tell him about the man

The man with a Midas touch

My Girlfriend: A SPIDERS TOUCH

Sawyer misses completely but Quatermain tells him he was "Bloody close!"

Me: "Its just a shame you hit that endangered whale while you were firing at the sea"

He tells Sawyer to try again and as he takes aim he asks Quatermain if he taught his son to shoot like this...and Quatermain heads back into the ship without a word

"Quatermain?"

My Girlfriend: "Jeez all I did was remind you of your dead son who you blame yourself for the death of"

Me: "Way to get all emotional about nothing"

As Quatermain grumps through the ship he sees Nemo praying to a statue of Kali...

Me: I love how the soundtrack implies that a character not being a Christian is meant to seem sinister or suspicious to us

And When I Say I love it I mean Thanks I Hate It

My Girlfriend: "Wooooooooooooo

He has a SINISTER FOREIGN RELIGION

WOOOOOOOOO"

Mina shows up to tell Quatermain that "That's Kali...goddess of death"

My Girlfriend: That's Mina

Goddess of making up bullshit

Me: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single Hindu watching this film

My Girlfriend: I feel like the producers of this film basically owe an apology to every single person of every faith who has sat through this film

Mina asks if they can trust a man who "Worships death"

My Girlfriend: "Why can't he be more like the Christians and believe in good moral things like murdering gay people or blowing up abortion clinics with pipe bombs"

Me: "How can we possibly trust a man who has a different religion than we do"

That's

That's not a good take, Mina

My Girlfriend: IT IS THE WORST

Quatermain tells Mina that Nemo isn't the one he distrusts and Nemo closes the doors to his private room, giving Mina A Look

Me: "I heard everything you just said, by the way"

My Girlfriend: "If you want to insult my entire culture and faith maybe at least lower your voice"

Me: "No no its fine I'm just giving you free room and board, feeding you and helping you save the world by all means go ahead and crap all over my peoples religion"

Back in her lab Mina's taking a break from making racist comments to do some SCIENCE! while once again in her Naughty School Teacher garb

Me: "Hmmmmmmm...yes this is definitely science alright"

My Girlfriend: She is science-ing

Me: Maybe she can science up a way to stop making ignorant comments

Dorian comes to see what she's up to....

Me: "Did someone order a side of CREEPY?"

Mina reveals that she's examining the powder Nemo found and its "Magnesium Phosphorous" that photographers use to create a flash

"A camera perhaps"

My Girlfriend: YES THAT;S LITERALLY WHAT SHE JUST SAID

Me: "This powder is used by photographers" is apparently not obvious enough for audiences to get that someone was taking pictures

Mina says that it appears someone wants to "Capture the vessels secrets" as Dorian looks Fifty Shades of Shady

Me: "Maybe that person is CLOSER THAN YOU THINK...WINK WINK"

My Girlfriend: "WAIT DID I SAY THAT OUTLOUD?

DAMN IT"

Mina tells him she's surprised he joined the league

"I mean to undo the flaws in my character..."

Me: At this point I don't think anything can undo the flaws in how this film writes its characters

My Girlfriend: "I mean to try and have some kind of redemption arc..."

"I want to face my demons"

Me: Face your fears...stare them down....don't be scared....stand your grooooouuuunnnnddddd

For nothing is as scaaaaary

as it appears

All u gotta do is faaaaaaace your fears

My Girlfriend: You have a nice singing voice :)

Me: (KERMIT FLAIL)

Mina asks what Dorian knows of demons and....

Me: TIME FOR BACKSTORY: PART TWO

My Girlfriend: Give us flashbacks damn it

"Do you recall a space on the wall of my home...a picture was missing...and thought the picture is my portrait...I doubt you'd recognise it..."

Me: "But that's what I get for hiring Rob Liefield to paint it for me..."

My Girlfriend: "I swear I didn't have all these pouches when I posed for this...or a robot arm"

Me: And what in gods name happened to my FEET

He explains how every year the painting ages while he stays the same

Me: "Keanu Reeves has one just like it..."

We also see that Dr Jeckyll is just kind of...creeping in the doorway

My Girlfriend: JECKYLL LIKES TO WATCH

Me: I do not like

Anything about the way he's fiddling with that pocket watch

Dorian offers Mina a night cap which she refuses

Me: "Some warm milk....perhaps?"

My Girlfriend: "I'm fine"

Me: ".....

OVALTINE"

Dorian offers her a tiny shot glass of booze

Me: SHOTS! SHOTS!

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

EVERYBOOOODY

My Girlfriend: I would not drink

ANYTHING that this man offered me

Me: Especially anything he poured out of his sketchy ass hip flask

Mina breaks the glass because apparently she has never held a glass before and gets blood everywhere

Me: That's what you get when you buy shot glasses at pound land

My Girlfriend: Cheap ass immortals

And before you can say "Mina your blood fetish is problematic" she's getting super turned on by the sight of her own blood and her and Dorian start doing it right there in the lab

Me: Still a better vampire romance than Twillight

My Girlfriend: So Mina can't see blood without getting horny?

Me: It’s a serious problem

She got a paper cut once and humped the mailman

As Jeckyll leaves Hyde taunts him inside his head that he likes to "Look but not touch"

Me: I don't want to see this man touching anyone or anything

My Girlfriend: I don't want to see that or think about it

As Hyde taunts him Jeckyll insists that he's a good man

My Girlfriend: Good men always make magical serial killer potions so they can run around the streets murdering people as a CGI monster

Me: OF COURSE

Hyde accuses Jeckyll of lying to himself and brings up how he "Wants her"

Me: Jeckyll/Mina is Hyde's crack pairing

My Girlfriend: "Drink the elixir, I have a fanfic I need to post on AO3"

"She never even looked at you!"

"Be quiet!"

"SHE LOOKED AT ME!"

SUDDEN HYDE

Me: Hyde agrees with us that Mina Harker is totally a Monster Fucker

My Girlfriend: He's seen her Netflix history and has spotted that she's watched Shape of Water like eighty times

As Imaginary! Hyde strangles Real! Jeckyll Nemo appears and tells him to "Contain your evil, sir"

My Girlfriend: By that he means he’s spotted that Jeckyll has an erection

Me: OH DEAR GOD

He tells Jeckyll that he "Wont have the brute loose on my ship"

Me: It's almost like recruiting the man who turns into a twelve foot hulk monster was a bad idea

My Girlfriend: They need him so when the Fantom says "I have an army" Quatermain can slur out the words "We have a Hyde"

Nemo asks if he has to take "Drastic measures" to stop Jeckyll becoming Hyde again....

Me: "And by that I mean getting you into a compassionate twelve step AA program...I apologise if putting my hand on my sword while I said that was misleading..."

My Girlfriend: "This is just how I stand normally. Come to think of it it is a bit alarming..."

Me: "Many have died needlessly"

Jeckyll responds by snapping at Nemo that "Your own past is far from laudable"

Me: Geez, is it "Be a Jerk to Nemo Day" or something?

My Girlfriend: Stop being a dick to this man

Back in his room Jeckyll is further taunted by Hyde's reflection to "Let me out"

Me: "It's a beautiful day outside I wanna go out and play!"

But what does Jeckyll find but...a missing vial of the elixir!

My Girlfriend: He has a notion someone's stolen his potion!

Me: 'Twas Jeckyll's miracle elixir

That's what someone nicked sir

True sir true

My Girlfriend: Never do that accent again

Over with Nemo, Quatermain and Sawyer, Nemo is talking about how with Da Vinci's blueprints and enough explosives the Fantom could "Blow Venice's foundations to rubble"

Quoth Sawyer: "They're gonna sink the whole city!"

My Girlfriend: YES WE GET IT

Me: I swear to god Sawyer the next time you state the obvious I am going to enter the film and end you with my bare hands

Quatermain adds that if the Fantom does this he'll spark off a world war

Me: All the countries in question seem completely aware that they're not attacking each other but are instead being menaced by one weirdo in a mask

But they'll got to war with each other anyway

My Girlfriend: You can't just NOT have a war just because there's no good reason to have one

Jeckyll chooses that moment to come in and say that's not all of their problems...the Invisible Man has stolen one of his vials!

Me: "Okay, we're talking about all of Europe being plunged into a world war right now? So I really don't think an invisible cockney stealing your fizzy lifting drink is on the same level"

My Girlfriend: "A world war is bad but you know what’s worse? PETTY THEFT"

Soon the Nautilus has arrived at Venice just in time for...a carnival? Okay....

My Girlfriend: Ah yes the annual European Peace Talks Carnival

Me: They were cancelled after the year Archduke Ferdinand made the mistake of standing a little too close to the shooting gallery

My Girlfriend: TOO SOON

Nemo says they have to find the bomb and Through some dubious underwater CGI we see that there's a bunch of bombs underwater beneath the city

Me: Oh there they are!

My Girlfriend: This plot twist where Ariel has become a mad bomber destroying cities as part of her underwater terrorist plot is pretty dark for a disney film

Me: Look, she can only be pushed so far okay

The Nautilus comes to a stop and we get a look at...

Me: YE OLDE DIVERS

My Girlfriend: Nemo's made their suits as shiny as possible just to show off

Me: Look he just wants his divers to look as bling as possible okay

Nemo sends his Fancy Divers to look for the bombs while Mina brings up the fact that the city is a pretty big place

Me: Oh no...Sawyer's State The Obvious Disease is spreading...

My Girlfriend: God help us...

The team wonder where the Invisible Man got to and Dorian says that they should "Be alert for his treachery"

Me: "Because he's definitely the traitor

Him and no one else"

My Girlfriend: "Definitely not me so don't go thinking that"

There's a loud bang but worry not its just fireworks!

Quoth Quatermain "BLOODY CARNIVAL"

Me: "Old Man Yells At Fireworks"

Mina says that she feared the worst when she heard the bang...at which point the ACTUAL explosives go off

My Girlfriend: DAMN IT MINA YOU JINXED IT

Me: She just HAD to tempt fate

Now look whats happened

The bombs go off and an entire section of the city starts collapsing

Me: Well, our heroes sure did a great job preventing the destruction of Venice here

My Girlfriend: A+ work there team

Me: THE LEAGE OF INEFFECTIVE GENTLEMEN

Quatermain watches the destruction as he concludes there "Must be more than one bomb"

Me: Alan Quatermain, master of deduction

My Girlfriend: Who needs Sherlock Holmes when Quatermain’s around

Through some shaky logic Quatermain suggests that what they need to do is figure out what the next building to be destroyed will be...and then destroy the building after that

Me: “The bombs are destroying venice....AND IT LOOKS FUN SO I WANT TO JOIN IN”

My Girlfriend: This isn’t a plan to save the city, Sean Connery just really hates Venice

Me: “Bloody Italian architechture”

Nemo says that with a beacon he could launch a rocket at the right building and...stop the ones after that exploding?

Me: I’m really not sure I get how destroying MORE of the city will save it but then again I’m not an Extraordinary Gentleman so I guess maybe they know what their talking about

My Girlfriend: No one in this film knows what their talking about

Me: I do love how once again this film basically feels more like a video game than a movie

My Girlfriend: “This level has a time limit so be quick!”

Dorian brings up that they couldn’t hope to be quick enough to stop the bombs delivering the genuinely amazing line “I’m an immortal sir, not a gazelle!”

Me: “DAMN IT JIM”

My Girlfriend: If only one of the team had the power to turn into a monster man who can run extremely quickly...

And its at that point that Sawyer nyooms out of the Nautilus in Nemo’s “Auto...mobile” declaring “Care for a spin”

Me: “With a dry cool wit like that I could be an action hero”

My Girlfriend: (Nemo voice) “If you have so much as dented that car my sword will find your heart”

Me: HE IS STILL PAYING IT OFF

The league piles in and Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track it which he confirms

Me: Okay so not only did Nemo invent a car he also invented GPS tracking...in 1899

My Girlfriend: Are you suggesting that this film is not historically accurate

Me: I’m beginning to have doubts yes

Quatermain says he’ll send up a flare to let Nemo know which building to blow up

My Girlfriend: “Guns...the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems” seems to be the rule Quatermain lives his life by

Me: A WHOLESOME MORAL

The group asks Jeckyll to come along but he insists that he will never again turn into Mr Hyde

Me: HE’S GOING COLD TURKEY ON MONSTER DRUGS

And Dorian responds by asking him “What good are you” if he won’t

My Girlfriend: OUR HEROES

Me: “If you won’t turn yourself into a rampaging monster that terrifies you then your not cool enough for our club”

My Girlfriend: Sad! Jeckyll here looks like he just wants a hug

Me: STOP BULLYING HIM

Quatermain starts giving Sawyer directions but Mina contradicts him giving opposite ones

Me: Backseat drivers, am I right?

My Girlfriend: Sean Connery is horrified at the thought of a woman giving directions to the driver

And as if things couldn’t get worse some of the Fantoms men pop out and start shooting at the car as well!

Me: Where does he keep getting all these henchmen…

"Damn Skinner...he must have told them we were coming!"

My Girlfriend: Oh sure, blame the Invisible Man for EVERYTHING

Dorian jumps from the car.....

Me: BRAVE SIR DORIAN RAN AWAY

BRAVELY RAN AWAY AWAY

My Girlfriend: Bravely taking to his feet

He beat a very brave retreat

Me: THE BRAVEST OF THE BRAAAAAAAVE

As the car demolishes more of Venice...

My Girlfriend: GREAT job their doing at saving the city here

Me: At this rate there'll be nothing left for the Fantom to blow up

And Mina sees Dorian gunned down by the Fantom's men and freaks out which....

Me: Did...did she just...FORGET that Dorian's immortal?

My Girlfriend: You literally saw him survive this exact situation LESS THAN A WEEK AGO

Me: WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT

Quatermain can't get a clear shot at the Fantom's men so Sawyer just tells him to "Take the wheel"...and proceeds to just start firing widly at them

Me: Well he didn't get any of the Fantom's men but the ricochets did manage to kill half a dozen carnival goers

My Girlfriend: That will make Connery happy at least

Quatermain yells at Sawyer that he "Doesn't know how to drive this bloody thing!"

Me: That raises a question...how does Sawyer know how to drive it?

If this is the First Car Ever and Nemo invented it shouldn't only him and his crew know how it works?

My Girlfriend: Sawyer played through a tutorial level while we weren't looking

We then get some Truly Exceptional Line Delivery from Mina as she declares "SAVE YOUUURRR BUULLLLEEETTTSSSS...THEEESE MEN ARE MIIIIIINE"

Me: WOW

That was just

QUITE A PERFORMANCE

My Girlfriend: They did twelve takes

And that was the best they managed

Me: "Okay now remember when you deliver this line make sure to sound as hammy as humanly possible"

My Girlfriend: Really sink your teeth into that scenery

Mina proceeds to leap from the car and just kind of....scale one of the buildings

Me: "Spider Mina

Spider Mina

Does whatever a Spider Mina does"

My Girlfriend: Spins a web

Any size

Catches crooks

EATS THOSE GUYS

Me: NO WAIT

DON'T DO THAT SPIDER MIIIIINAAAAAAAA

"Did you see what she just did?"

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD"

Me: I like to hope that there's an option on those GPS devices where you can choose celebrity voices that's just Sean Connery yelling at you like this

My Girlfriend: Who doesn't want to hear their car screaming "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BLOODY ROAD" at them in Sean Connerys voice

"It's a gauntlet!"

"THE VAMPIRE LADY HAS US COVERED"

Quatermain points at where Mina has...turned into a flock of bats?

Me: "WE CAN'T STOP HERE

THIS IS BAT COUNTRY"

My Girlfriend: It's going to be awkward when someone has to tell Connery that those bats are just in his head

Me: He drank a can of paint thinner when he couldn't find any alcohol aboard the Nautilus and he's been hallucinating ever since

The bats swarm all over the Fantom's henchmen....

Me: Shortly after this an outbreak of rabies swept across Venice

My Girlfriend: So is Mina just...MADE of bats?

Me: She's chosen bats

Over

People

'Cause she never did like the way humans made her feel

We then see an entire building collapsing and causing a stampede among the carnival goers....

My Girlfriend: THE LEAGUE OF INCOMPETENT GENTLEMEN

Heroically failing to save a single life!

Me: Look maybe they've done nothing to save the people or the city yet

But Mina turned into bats and ate people

And isn't that what REAL heroism is

Nemo is told that time is running out...

Me: Really?

I feel like this scene has been going on forever personally

My Girlfriend: I have forgotten a time when we WEREN'T watching Sean Connery race around venice in a shiny car

Me: THIS SCENE WILL NEVER END

As the buildings crumble around them one of the crew suggests they pull out but Nemo insists that they stay and "Do their jobs"

Me: At least one member of the league actually seems to care about saving this city

My Girlfriend: Nemo's basically the one competent member of this team

As the car nyooms through the streets Quatermain spots the Fantom just kind of...lurking around

My Girlfriend: WHY

Is he there?

Me: His plan is to SINK THE CITY

WHY WOULD HE PUT HIMSELF ON THE CITY WHILE IT HAPPENS

My Girlfriend: WHAT SENSE DOES THIS MAKE

Quatermain hillariously just tells Sawyer "I'm off!" and hops out of the car

Me: Not because he saw the Fantom

But because they just passed a liquor store

And he wants to do some looting

My Girlfriend: "You worry about saving the city, I'm going to go try and kill something"

The Fantom flees through the crowd as Quatermain follows close behind him

Me: Our films terrifying villain...unable to outrun a seventy year old man

My Girlfriend: "OH GOD WHY DID I COME HERE

WHY DO NONE OF MY EVIL PLANS MAKE SENSE"

Sawyer closes in on the next building about to be destroyed and before you can say "Extremely suspect CGI" he's nyooming through the air as the car goes flying across a canal...

Me: SLOW MOOOOOTIOOOOONNNNNN TOOOOO THHHEEEEE REEEESSSCCCUUUUEEEEEEEEE

My Girlfriend: His terrible CGI is more powerful than the Fantom's terrible CGI!

Sawyer fires off the flare...and then his car smashes into a building, flipping over as it does so

My Girlfriend: Well that guys dead

Me: The next fifty minutes of the film are just Sawyer going through a series of agonising operations and physical therapy sessions so he's able to walk again

My Girlfriend: All while Connery shouts drunken encouragement at him

Me: And by helping Sawyer heal his body...Quatermain in turn HEALS HIS HEART

My Girlfriend: The Lifetime Movie of Extraordinary Gentlemen

The Fantom sees the rocket Nemo has fired flying through the air and basically has a "CURSES" moment

Me: "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME GADGET...NEEEEXXXXTTTTT TIIIIIMMMEEEEE"

My Girlfriend: Wait

HOW does he know his plans been foiled?

How does he know WHAT the League was doing to foil his plan?

Because that's the only way his reaction here makes sense

Me: I think we're expecting too much internal logic from a film that just had Tom Sawyer crash a car through the streets of venice so Captain Nemo could stop undersea bombs blowing it up by shooting a rocket at it

"Bravo boy..."

Me: "THAT'LL DO TOM...THAT'LL DO"

We then see that Sawyer is...completely unharmed as he crawls out from under the crashed car

My Girlfriend: I'm sorry

How in the HELL is he unhurt?

Me: Literally does not even have a scratch on him

My Girlfriend: "It's a good thing this is just a movie

Otherwise flipping my car upside down as I smashed it through the wall of a building might actually have hurt me"

And then the missile Nemo fired blows the building sky high

Me: The next shot is going to be Sawyer crawling out of the rubble going "That was close!"

My Girlfriend: And that will be the only explanation we get for how he's unharmed

Me: TOM SAYWER: THE INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN

The explosions stop and the carnival goers all breathe a sigh of relief

Me: "HORRAY! SOME OF VENICE IS SAVED"

My Girlfriend: Our heroes bravely managed to stop...SOME of the city from being blown to pieces!

Me: And they only destroyed 30% of its beautiful buildings themselves in the attempt

My Girlfriend: A VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF JUSTICE

Quatermain follows the Fantom into a graveyard....

Me: Thiiiiiiings you seeeeeeeeeee

In a graaaaaaaave

Yaaaaaaaaard

"Venice still stands"

My Girlfriend: "Well, some of it does"

Me: "Eighty percent of the city is still okay!

Sixty percent at worst"

The Fantom darts between the trees and tombstones

Me: The Fantom

Notorious hide and seek cheat

My Girlfriend: SHAMEFUL

He also taunts Quatermain with...gibberish?

Me: Sorry what did he just say to him

"You see yourself as the Brave John Bull"?

What the HELL does that mean

My Girlfriend: I think he said brave YOUNG bull?

Me: That doesn't make much more sense

My Girlfriend: Nothing in this film has

"Haunted by the memory of your sons death....you should have trained him a little better"

Me: True facts...when I went to see this film in the cinema...

My Girlfriend: YOU PAID MONEY TO SEE THIS?

SHAME

Me: Trust me I'm not proud of it... but when I saw it and heard this line I genuinely thought it was going to turn out that the Fantom was Quatermain's son, back from the dead somehow

My Girlfriend: No because that would be a twist that actually had some foreshadowing and made sense and didn't come completely the fuck out of nowhere

Me: Your right it would have been awful

The Fantom continues to taunt Quatermain saying that its basically his fault that his son died

My Girlfriend: "THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS"

Me: Taunting Sean Connery when he has a rifle in his hands is never a good idea

Quatermain tells the Fantom that he knows all about his spy (Who he thinks is the Invisible Man) and the Fantom replies with a sinister "DO YOU?"

And we cut to back on the Nautilus and...

Me: Hmmmmmmm

I wonder why the film cut to Dorian Gray

JUST as they were talking about the Fantom having a spy on the team

My Girlfriend: I’m sure it doesn't mean anything

Me: Your right because the spy is DEFINITELY Rodney Skinner the Invisible Man and totally not anyone else

Dorian asks if he's the first back with Ishmael confirms

Me: "Oh good no witnesses...I mean um...witnesses...to how innocent I am"

Ishmael talks about how "That bastard Skinner" has a lot to answer for

My Girlfriend: Trying to pass off fast food from Krusty Burger as his own home cooking...

Me: What are you talking about?

He made those Steamed Hams himself

"Skinner?

Noooooooo

ME"

Me: OH MY GOD DORIAN IS THE TRAITOR

WHAT A TOTALLY SHOCKING TWIST

My Girlfriend: HE SEEMED SO TRUSTWORTHY

Me: You can't even rely on a man who sold his soul to the devil anymore

And with that he shoots Ishmael several times killing him

Me: And he was just THREE DAYS AWAY from retirement....

My Girlfriend: Nemo had given him a boat of his very own called the Live 4 Ever

Back at the graveyard Quatermain is looking for the Fantom still...when he basically pounces on him from nowhere

Me: THE FANTOM ATTACKED WITH TACKLE

My Girlfriend: ITS NOT VERY EFFECTIVE!

The two grapple for a bit with Quatermain getting stabbed in the shoulder

Me: Our villain who earlier couldn't outrun a seventy year old man, now struggles to overpower one

My Girlfriend: I can see why he leaves most of the fighting to his henchmen

Quatermain knocks the Fantom's mask off but...whats this?

He's wearing a mask UNDER his mask!

My Girlfriend: I really hope that after he takes this mask off he reveals that underneath it is yet another mask

Me: What follows is a montage of him taking off increasingly ridiculous disguises

Quatermain is shocked to see that the Fantom...is M!

Me: AND HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO...

My Girlfriend: If it weren't for that Meddling Alan Quatermain!

M flees and Quatermain manages to throw a knife into his shoulder as he does so

Me: An eye for an eye...and a shoulder wound for a shoulder wound

My Girlfriend: A shoulder wound for a shoulder wound leaves the whole world with wounded shoulders

Me: SUCH WISE WORDS

We cut back to the Nautilus where Quatermain limps his way back

Quatermain: The Fantom is M!

And the hunt is still on!

Jeckyll: What are you talking about?

Quatermain: THE FANTOM IS M!

Me: "AND THE HUNT IS STILL ON!"

My Girlfriend: There is no way out of here...it'll be dark soon...there is no way out of here...

Quatermain asks where the others are and its at that point that Mina shows up with her hair down and looking pretty chipper as she declares Dorian is "Missing in action"

My Girlfriend: "He's definitely not in the Nautilus right now, murdering one of the captains friends"

Me: "What an odd thing to say...

My Girlfriend: I do question how it is that after turning into a flock of bats and feasting on the living Mina still looks like she just walked off the set of a shampoo commercial

Me: Her hair is nicer than mine ;-;

And I hardly ever turn into bats and kill people

My Girlfriend: Wait, hardly ever....

Quatermain asks about Sawyer and he just kind of...strolls on screen declaring he'll "Live to fight another day"

My Girlfriend: And that's all the explanation we get for how he survived being crushed by a car and then blown up

Me: I like to think he was lurking around the corner this whole time just waiting for a good line to make his entrance on

Mina goes over to check on Sawyer who justifiably looks a little nervous but she reassures him she's "Had her fill of throats for the evening"

Me: I feel like Sawyer would actually be pretty okay with Mina biting his neck

My Girlfriend: Mina looks thirsty for something ELSE here

Me: "Some may say I'm robbing the cradle...but technically he's robbing the grave!"

And its at that point that Ishmael, somehow not dead yet, just kind of lurches out of the ship

Me: Its a good thing he's been shot so many times he's built up an immunity to bullets!

My Girlfriend: He can't die until he fulfils his function as a plot device

Ishmael reveals to the crew that Dorian is actually the traitor, not the Invisible Man

Me: Sure is lucky for them that Dorian is one of those really lackadaisical murderers who doesn't bother to make sure the person he shot is actually dead

Otherwise he'd never have warned them of this

My Girlfriend: Once again Dorian is foiled by his slipshod approach to murder

Me: You can't half-ass these things Dorian

There's a weird noise from somewhere on the Nautilus

"What is that?"

"THE SOUND OF TREACHERY"

Me: "Okay but could you give us a more coherent explanation"

My Girlfriend: "That really doesn't clear anything up for us"

It turns out that Dorian is stealing an "Exploration pod" from the Nautilus that basically looks like a Giant Sea Orb

Me: DORIANS MAKING HIS ESCAPE INSIDE PAC MAN

My Girlfriend: THE FIEND

Dorian does take the time to open the hatch to blow everyone a mocking kiss...

Me: If only someone on the team had something that fired dangerous projectiles at a high rate of speed at him right now

While he is just sat there posing

My Girlfriend: SURE WOULD COME IN HANDY

Me: But such a thing surely does not exist and we totally haven't seen not one but two characters in this film use them only minutes ago

Dorian nyooms off like a wagon wheel...

Me: "ASSHOLE-MOBILE AWAY!"

My Girlfriend: "Remember us as we are now Dorian...FILLED WITH MURDEROUS RAGE"

Quatermain asks Nemo if he can track the pod and a furious Nemo declares "I MEAN TO CATCH IT"

Me: TIME FOR AN UNDERWATER CHASE SCENE

My Girlfriend: I love how they managed to knock down EVEN MORE OF VENICE as they left

Me: "Leaving rubble and shattered lives in their wake, our heroes bravely jet off in pursuit of murderous vengeance"

Heading into his conference room Nemo points at a Silver Thing on the wall declaring "That is us"

Me: "Nemo that's a wall"

My Girlfriend: "I think he might have hit his head when we were blowing up Venice"

But no apparently the silver...thing shows the position of the Nautilus and the the "Nautiloid" that Dorian escaped in

"We will be upon them soon"

Me: NEMO INVENTED RADAR IN 1890

My Girlfriend: The truth that the history books don't want you to know about

Sawyer asks Mina if she's okay and she says that she's just "A little shaken"

Me: "I am overcome with womanly emotion!"

When suddenly....

Me: What is that godawful whining sound...

My Girlfriend: I know he's annoying but there's no need to talk about Sawyer's voice like that

But no of course not what we actually refer to is the presence of a weird high pitched noise...the source of which is apparently a record that one of Nemo's sailors has found

Me: Dorian left them with his bands demo album to remember him by

My Girlfriend: "I know I betrayed you all but I'd really appreciate your feedback"

Me: He's hoping to drop the hottest album of 1900

"Captain!

We found this!"

"A recording disk?"

So of course Nemo plays it

Me: "Well it was left here by a man who betrayed us all and murdered my friend so I don't see how it could possibly be a trap"

My Girlfriend: "There's surely no harm in playing a recording left behind by an immortal fiend"

As they play it they are greeted by the sight of our old friend M

Me: FOCUS!

FOCUS!

M declares that if they're watching this then everything has gone as planned

My Girlfriend: "And you really are all as stupid as I thought you were..."

Dorian lounges in the background telling them that by now he's sure they know he's "no loyal son of the empire"

Me: Darth Vader is going to force choke him so hard

My Girlfriend: Probably not the first time he'll have been choked by a man in black leather

Dorian goes on to reveal that he's working with M because he has "Possession of something very dear to my heart...something I'd do anything to regain"

Me: "My mint condition collection of original Beanie Babies"

My Girlfriend: "The fiend stole them all"

As they watch Jeckyll reacts oddly but brushes it off as his ears just hurting...

Me: Hmmmmm I wonder if thats foreshadowing

My Girlfriend: Crude, clumsy foreshadowing...

M talks about how everything has been "Misdirection" including "The assasins in Keeeenyaaaahhhh"

Me: I'm sorry, KEEN-YAH?

Is that anything at all like KENYA?

Which is the ACTUAL place the assassins attacked Quatermain

My Girlfriend: "Uh, Director?

I messed up that line I...I completely mangled the pronunciation of Kenya...are we...we're not doing another take?

We're still rolling?

Okay sure whatever"

M goes on to reveal that the conference didn't exist

Me: WAIT THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE BLOW UP VENICE

My Girlriend: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS

He also reveals that the league doesn't exist and the whole thing was "A ruse"

Me: OF COURSE

ITS SO SIMPLE

My Girlfriend: No wait...its needlessly complicated and convoluted

Me: His ridiculously circuitous plan is three quarters complete!

He explains that his real goal when bringing the league together was to wield "The greatest weapons of them all...the league itself"

Me: Which would make sense if it weren't for the fact that only three members of the league actually have powers

My Girlfriend: Well Connery has the power to somehow not have perished from alcohol poisoning...

As M explains his plan Hyde pleads with Jeckyll through his reflection to "Turn it off Henry...please turn it off..."

Me: That's a common reaction people had to this film by this point in the narrative

My Girlfriend: "Turn it off...please turn it off" is actually what Alan Moore said when he made the mistake of watching this

M goes on to explain that to accomplish his goal he set "The wolf among you sheep"

And then, I am not making it up, the camera cuts to Dorian just so he can say "GROWL"

My Girlfriend: So that ACTUALLY happened

Me: Someone was paid to write this script

Someone was paid actual money

Dorian explains how he set about stealing the secrets of Nemo's science, Jeckyll's potion, and blood samples from the Invisible Man and Mina

Me: (In Quatermain's voice) "But what did you steal from me?"

My Girlfriend: (As Dorian) "I stole your whiskey"

Me: (as Quatermain) "I'LL BLOODY KILL YOU YA BASTARD"

M explains that the way he sees it its a win win for him because if they don't save Venice he wins and if they do well he's still got the stuff he stole from them

My Girlfriend: He's got a very glass half full approach to evil plans

Me: It's good he doesn't let setbacks get him down

M also says that one way or another a world war will happen as its inevitable

Me: I mean

Again

He's not actually wrong about that

My Girlfriend: History kind of agrees with him on this one

"Now some of you...perhaps Quatermain if he isn't dead...may be wondering why I'm telling you all this. What fool reveals his strategy before the game is over?"

Me: "In the game of chess, you must never let your opponent see your pieces"

"It is over...for you"

My Girlfriend: "I’m not a Republic Serial villain...do you really think I'd reveal my plan if you had any way of stopping me?"

Me: WRONG ALAN MOORE STORY BABE

M reveals that while he's been talking a signal has been broadcasting "Audible only to dogs and other lower animals..."

Me: Sick burn on Hyde there

My Girlfriend: Your already going to kill them there's no need to insult them while your at it

A signal that is being picked up by crystal sensors

"Sensors attached to bombs"

"BOMB VOYAGE"

Me: Imagine dying with that being the last thing you ever heard

My Girlfriend: Even if Dorian wasn't a villain I'd want to kill him just for making me hear that

Me: Can I also point out...what would have happened if the league had actually had the common sense NOT to play the record

MY Girlfriend: M knows them well enough to know no one on this team possesses common sense

And as Nemo smashes the record player the camera just kind of...zooms around the ship

Me: THE CAMERA MAN IS TRYING TO FLEE THE FILM

My Girlfriend: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE US WITH YOU"

The camera shows where the bombs are "Hidden"

Me: Okay NO ONE saw those?

Not one person on this well crewed ship spotted these very obvious explosives?

My Girlfriend: But they’re so cunningly concealed just sitting there in plain sight!

And the bombs go off!

Me: I have a SINKING FEELING that the league are in some HOT WATER right now

My Girlfriend: Why

Why do you say these things Samantha

Nemo declares that the ship is taking in too much water

My Girlfriend: Connery is horrified....he always hoped he'd drown in VODKA not something non alcoholic...

As the ship floods Jeckyll looks into the mirror to see Hyde talking to him again

"We can do it Henry!"

"What are you talking about?!"

"You know we can do it! Together!"

Me: THAT'S LEWD

My Girlfriend: This is hardly the time or place for that Hyde

Me: And how would that even WORK

Jeckyll runs down to where some of Nemo's crew are trying to seal a flooded section of the ship...

My Girlfriend: Kind of feels like locking the stable door after the horse has bolted...

And Jeckyll jumps into the flooded section while chugging his potion like he's effing Popeye

Me: HE'S STRONGERS THAN THE OCEANS

'CAUSE HE DRINKS HIS POTIONS

My Girlfriend: HE'S JECKYLL THE SAILOR MAN

Me: DOOT DOOT

Hyde sinks into the water with some truly grotesque transformation effects

Me: THAT CANNOT BE HEALTHY

My Girlfriend: HIS POOR BONES

And begins pulling a switch to...do...a thing (I do not know anything about boats okay)

Me: Hyde apparently is immune to water pressure and needing to breathe because he is large

My Girlfriend: He's immune because he's made entirely of unconvincing early 2000's CGI

Me: THAT EXPLAINS IT

Hyde succeeds and the chamber begins venting water which I guess solves everything?

Me: I was pretty sure that a LOT of the ship was blown up but I guess it was just this one room?

My Girlfriend: M didn't count on the League possessing the skill or intelligence to flip a switch

Me: I'd say he underestimated them but honestly that sounds like a fair assessment to me given how they've done so far...

And Jeckyll's reflection gives Hyde a proud "Well done Edward!" and Hyde looks kind of proud that his Good Self is proud of him?

Me: Awwwwwww?

Maybe?

My Girlfriend: I guess this totally makes up for all the serial killing he did

Me: Saving this pirate crew is more than enough to atone for the brutal murder of many many innocent people

Back in Nemo's conference room his crew is, hilariously, putting all the furniture back where it was before the ship nearly blew up...

Me: "I know you all almost died but that is no excuse to leave this place looking like a pig sty"

My Girlfriend: "I have guests for Kali's sake, I won't have them thinking I don't keep my home tidy!"

Jeckyll comes back up and gets a thumbs up from Quatermain (That Actually Happens) and replies to this by

"Let's not make a saint out of a sinner...next time we may not be so lucky"

Me: Sorry it's too late for that Henry

Your an awkward marginally attractive white man and you did a Sort of Good Thing...the fandom will now proceed to write one thousand fanfics about how you and Hyde are actually a Tortured Woobie who just Needs The Love of a Good Self Insert to become a Good Person

My Girlfriend: Get ready for a lot of discourse on Victorian Era TV Tropes about how your an Anti Villain now

Me: I do have to wonder...why would Hyde actually do this?

I mean the league shot at him, drugged him, chained him up, insulted BOTH his forms and his only interaction with Nemo was him basically saying "I will cut you bitch"

My Girlfriend: Clearly its because he's a Troubled Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold Deep Down

Me: JECKYLL IN LEATHER PANTS

Jeckyll wants to know if they can still follow Gray

"We were the faster...now we're the tortoise to his hare"

Me: Okay so from that line we can conclude that Alan Quatermain has never actually read the Tortoise and the Hare because he seems to think the hare wins...

Everyone's pretty despondent about this because I guess they haven't read the story either but then Sawyer pipes up that Gray and M will both think the league is dead so they now have the advantage of surprise on their side...Mina gives him A Look

My Girlfriend: Why does she look turned on by that

Me: I think she's just amazed that Sawyer actually said something that wasn't glaringly obvious or mindnumbingly stupid

My Girlfriend: "My god he might have a brain after all..."

They also learn that their getting a message in morse code! And hurry to the Morse Code Room

Me: "RECEIVING INCOMING PLOT DEVELOPMENT"

"What does it say?"

"Hello my Freaky Darlings"

"Skinner?"

My Girlfriend: "Only one person we know speaks in that atrocious Mockney nonsense!"

Me: Is "Freaky Darlings" even faux cockney at all?

It sounds more like something a cabaret host would greet the crowd with

My Girlfriend: Don't question the accuracy of this films Cockney Accents

The Invsible Cockney gives them the information they need to follow the ship and says he's hiding on it along with Dorian Gray and M...

Me: OKAY HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE

We saw that ship

That ship was TINY

There MIGHT be room for M as well as Dorian if M is literally sitting on his lap...

My Girlfriend: Which Dorian would not object to

Me: But you cannot tell me that there is room for anyone, invisible or not, to hide on that ship

WHERE IS HE HIDING

HOW IS HE HIDING

My Girlfriend: I think your expecting too much logic from this films narrative kitten

Me: I just want there to be ANY logic to it

My Girlfriend: Exactly

So they set off and we get a montage of Jeckyll and Mina patching up the wounded and Sawyer just kind of wandering around

My Girlfriend: There gonna need a montage

Me: OOOOOOOO IT TAKES A MONTAGE

"Good work...all of you"

Me: "Except you Sawyer, not really sure what you did"

My Girlfriend: "You don't seem to have actually contributed to the plot at all at this point"

Nemo explains that they're heading for the Sinister Frozen Wasteland of Mongolia

Me: Time to start getting down to business, people

And adds that it's almost totally inaccessible...

My Girlriend: "Inaccessible to anyone without Bullshit Main Character Powers"

Me: The greatest powers of them all

So the Nautilus just full on smashes through the ice...

Me: I feel like they may have lost the element of surprise

My Girlfriend: SURELY NOT

And the team checks out the frozen terrain through binoculars

Me: They're making sure they don't have to worry about any Armoured Bears...they don't have Lyra around to help them here

My Girlfriend: Lyra would have sorted this shit out far sooner

Me: And she'd have known not to trust Dorian effing Gray

They spot some settlements, all abandoned and I swear to god Mina actually asks "Why deserted?"

My Girlfriend: ITS A REAL MYSTERY ALRIGHT

Me: its almost like there was an international criminal with a private army of bloodthirsty mercenaries occupying this place...

They head off to look for where M is hiding in....

Me: ITS THE ARCTIC ACTION LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN ACTION FIGURE VARIANTS!

COLLECT THEM ALL

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that Nemo just happened to have survival gear for arctic terrain on the ship

Me: And that it all just happened to be in the right sizes to fit the team

My Girlfriend: WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK

And they come to and I swear this is true, an actual fuckin castle that M has had built here...a castle with JETS OF FLAME shooting from parts of it

"M's summer retreat..."

Me: "THIS IS DEFINITELY THE FINAL STAGE ALRIGHT"

My Girlfriend: "I know a boss level when I see one

And that is definitely a boss level"

Me: Just imagine how long this place took to build

JUST IMAGINE THE LOGISTICS OF THIS

My Girlfriend: WHO BUILT THIS

HOW DID THEY BUILD THIS

WHY ARE THEIR TURRETS OF FLAME

Me: It's previous owner was a very angry turtle with a habit of kidnapping blonde princesses

The Invisible Man isn't there yet so they decide to wait...and we cut to...them all just sitting around silently in a cave...

Me: "So should we use this to...develop our characters?

Build some camaraderie?

Have anything approaching a well written moment here?"

My Girlfriend: "NO THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH

INSTEAD LET US JUST SIT PERFECTLY STILL IN ABSOLUTE SILENCE"

Me: WAITING AT ITS BEST FOLKS

Quatermain is sat outside the cave with his hunting rifle....

Me: Its going to be awkward when they find out he's frozen in place out there

My Girlfriend: So the team has a vampire and a much younger, fitter man on it...but they make the seventy year old alcoholic with bad eyesight go sit out in the middle of a snowstorm to wait for the Invisible Man to show up

While they all sit around by the fire

Me: CLEARLY THE ONLY LOGICAL CHOICE

And what should appear through the snow but...

Me: A KITTEH

My Girlfriend: A tiger, Samantha

Me: A SNOW KITTEH

I'mma pet it

My Girlfriend: IT WILL EAT YOU

Yes a tiger just kind of pads up to Quatermain and he points his gun at it....

Me: NOOOOOOO DON'T SHOOT THE KITTEH

My Girlfriend: "AI CAN HAZ MERCY?"

And Quatermain decides not to murder an innocent animal and instead just lets it run off

Me: He might be a drunken misogynist but he doesn't shoot animals for fun so I guess that's Something

My Girlfriend: Truly a redeeming moment

Nemo and Mina come out to see what's happening and Quatermain says it was nothing

Now you might think that the film will actually display some subtlety here but nope Nemo sees the tiger and replies with "Just an old tiger, facing the end"

Me: Well done movie

You had a real chance there for an understated character moment and you boldly decided "We will be having none of THAT nonsense in our film"

My Girlfriend: God forbid that the slightest trace of subtlety or nuance be allowed to exist in this films blunt narrative

Quatermain muses that perhaps this wasn't the "Old tigers" day to die after all

My Girlfriend: "Perhaps it had unwisely signed on to a two picture deal and was going to come back for the sequel"

And then to lighten the mood here's Mina having her ass grabbed!

Me: THE INVISIBLE SEXUAL HARASSER

My Girlfriend: HE IS SUCH A CHEEKY RASCAL, GOING AROUND GROPING WOMEN WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT

Me: Sadly that is pretty much the one in character thing they kept from the comics

"Get a grip Skinner!"

"I thought I just was!"

My Girlfriend: Sexual harassment is Highly Amusing!

Me: He lurks around naked and fondles people but its Funny because he does it while speaking in a Cheeky Cockney Accent

My Girlfriend: Invisible Boys Will Be Boys

The Invisible Creeper asks if he can come in to put some clothes on reminding them that he's naked...

Me: COVER UR INVISIBLE MANHOOD

"I can't feel any of my extremities and I do mean any of them"

My Girlfriend: I don't like

Anything about that

Me: THANKS WE HATE IT

Clothed once more he talks about how everyone was too suspicious of him aboard the ship so he knew no one would believe him about Dorian being the spy...

Me: Suspicious?

Of a decent and trustworthy guy like him?

My Girlfriend: How can they fail to trust a man who runs around grabbing women’s asses and lurking in peoples bedrooms naked at night

Me: HE'S THE SALT OF THE EARTH

He then proceeds to start basically giving a Speed Run Through of M's Evil Fortress as the scene cuts to extremely dogy CGI and scenes of M's fortress and army

Me: "Okay now listen close while I give you this play through of the whole level"

My Girlfriend: No cheat codes though!

He says that M keeps the scientists working "Night and day" with their families imprisoned "The men work..or the women and children die"

My Girlfriend: I guess in addition to wanting to start a World War M is also a sexist?

Me: I am pretty sure even in the 1800's Women Scientists existed

My Girlfriend: Apparently not there is Mina and that is it no one else

Nemo declares this is "monstrous..."

Me: He can't believe that the mass murderer who tried to blow them all up is a BAD person

My Girlfriend: I mean to be fair almost the entire team is made up of mass murderers as well

Me: True, their morality is a little skewed

And the Invisible Man explains that M is working to duplicate the leagues powers making "Invisible spies, an army of Hyde's, vampire assasins..."

Me: "An unstoppable legion of iron-livered Sean Connery clones, ready to descend on every tavern, public house and speak easy the world over and drink them dry"

My Girlfriend: There won't be a single drop of whiskey left by the time they're done

Jeckyll dramatically announces he "Won't let my evil infect the world" which Mina agrees with

Me: "I won't let anyone else evilly rescue entire boatloads of people from death!"

My Girlfriend: I feel like this is a Show Don't Tell problem here

We're TOLD Hyde is a monster...on screen however all he's done is get chased across rooftops and be helpful

Me: Likewise with Mina her whole "Vampiric Curse" thing actually seems like a pretty sweet gig...

The Invisible Gamer says that if bombs were to be planted throughout the factory they could blow the whole place sky high....

Me: Just be warned if the guards spot you the level is over

My Girlfriend: You have to go hide under a cardboard box and that tricks them somehow

The Invisible Man volunteers and we get...

"Skinner...I never knew you were such a bare faced liar..."

Me: I don't want him to be a bare ANYTHING

"All this time, pretending you weren't a hero"

My Girlfriend: He's the most noble ass grabber that ever lived

Me: A ROLE MODEL

My Girlfriend: He is an odd fellow but he Steams A Good Ham

"You'll make me blush! Besides, any more like me and I'll lose the franchise..."

Me: I'm pretty sure this franchise is ALREADY a lost cause...

The team are all geared up to take down M but Quatermain cautions them that they HAVE to take him alive to "Discover his secrets"

Me: What...what secrets exactly?

He literally explained his entire plan and how he did it

HE MADE A FILM ABOUT IT AND THEY WATCHED IT

What secrets do they need to uncover

My Girlfriend: He knows what someone would do for a Klondike bar

Me: DEAR GOD

Mina is adamant that Gray absolutely will be killed though stating "He's lived long enough"

My Girlfriend: "I've lived long enough" was also something Connery was fond of muttering to himself during the filming of this very movie....

Me: Mina needs her Revenge on That One Guy who she knew for a brief time and then didn't see for years, then hooked up with once because she has a blood fetish

His betrayal was sharper than a serpents tooth!

My Girlfriend: She is full of rage that the man she repeatedly said was untrustworthy turned out to be untrustworthy

Quatermain says he and Sawyer will capture M while Nemo and Hyde free the prisoners

Me: "The rampaging monster man can be left in charge of the terrified women and children.

Meanwhile the leagues two most powerless members will capture the diabolical mastermind"

My Girlfriend: I can see why he's team leader, with great judgement calls like that

We cut to M's Final Stage Lair where one of the guards is battered by the Invisible Man who...

My Girlfriend: How is he not getting hypothermia from being naked in all that snow?

Me: Invisibility magically protects you from frostbite its a Known Fact

Also Mina is Made of Bats again and she swarms toward the castle...

Me: And when the people all stop and stare

And ask her why she's gotta be like that

She looks them in the eye and bites them in the thigh

And kicks them in the ass where the sun don't shine

My Girlfriend: SHE LOOKS THEM IN THE EYE AND TELLS THEM SHE WAS RAISED BY BATS

In M's parlour, Dorian is talking about how he now gets his picture back in return for betraying the league

Me: He's going to be horrified to learn that M has actually just given him a portrait of dogs playing poker

M asks what Dorian plans next and he says he plans to head back to London...

My Girlfriend: "Maybe it's because I'm a londoner but I love London so..."

And adds that he's had his fill of violence and now he's in the mood for vice

Me: He's finally going to finish his Lets Play of Vice City

My Girlfriend: His subscribers will be overjoyed

M tells Dorian that he could stay and work with him and "Share my dream"

Me: "Are...are you coming onto me right now?"

My Girlfriend: "Secretly I'm actually Very Lonely"

Me: "It's hard to make friends when your an eccentric madman living in a castle in a frozen hell"

Dorian won't join any club that would have him though and tells M that he's lived to see "Empires crumble"

My Girlfriend: Does M actually WANT an empire though?

Me: It kind of just seems like he wants to make money selling Magical WMD's to assholes

My Girlfriend: That’s not really an empire

Dorian tells M that there are no exceptions to this rule

Me: Wait also hold on "Empires crumble?"

Dorian at this point is

AT MOST

In his eighties

When the fuck has he seen "Empires Crumble"?

He's not fuckin Vandal Savage, he hasn't been around for thousands of years or anything... he's a bored victorian weirdo who sold his soul to satan so he could keep his Boyish Good Looks

"You think your better than me..."

Me: The role of M will now be played by an alcoholic single father having a mid-life crisis...

"But you forget...I've seen your painting"

Dorian makes a face

My Girlfriend: "I've seen how bad your art skills are"

Me: "I KNOW YOU CAN'T DRAW FEET"

Elsewhere in the Lair the League arrives, flanked by some of Nemo's red shir....I mean um, soldiers

Me: Probably goes without saying but I should mention that all these men have just three days left until retirement....

My Girlfriend: I swear to god Samantha....

And we then get the Weirdest Effing Scene where Hyde (EDWARD HYDE OF ALL PEOPLE) basically brings the team in for a Group Huddle where they all put their hands in together

Me: GOOD HUDDLE TEAM

My Girlfriend: "Team...there's a little injured boy counting on us to win this...I know because...I injured him myself to inspire you"

Me: "I HOPE THEY WIN

OR MR HYDE SAYS HE'S COMING BACK"

The team all share an awkward moment....

Me: If we'd gotten a single scene extablishing anything like an emotional bond between these characters this scene might mean something

My Girlfriend: Whats important is they're pumped up to win the Big Game

Quatermain and Sawyer head off to look for M, having a little difficulty navigating the place as they do

Me: "IT LOOKS LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A MAP OF THIS AREA"

My Girlfriend: Check your inventory!

They also spot the captured scientists but Quatermain says that's Nemo's job

Me: His "Can't someone else do it" approach to saving innocent lives is what's made him a hero of legend

My Girlfriend: Awe inspiring, really

They continue to explore an increasingly familiar looking lair...

Me: I swear to god this is the final level from Timesplitters: Future Perfect

My Girlfriend: Hopefully that means a steampunk robot is about to burst out of one of those crates and fight them

Me: THAT WOULD MAKE THIS WHOLE MOVIE WORTH IT

The Invisible Man is planting some cartoonish looking sticks of dynamite around the place...

My Girlfriend: Did he buy these from Marvin Acme?

Me: "One previous owner who returned them after they failed to help them catch the Road Runner..."

Nemo and co knock out some more of M's guards....

Me: I love how they literally dressed M's goons up as stormtroopers just in case we needed a handy visual clue that These Are The Bad Guys

My Girlfriend: The film is so morally complex, they were worried they were being Just Too Subtle For Us

Me: I definitely never would have guessed that the bloodthirsty mercenaries working for the diabolical megalomaniac were Bad People without this useful visual shorthand

Nemo frees the prisoners....

Me: Unfortunately now he's going to have to do a sidequest where he has to safeguard them all the way to the exit point of this level

My Girlfriend: And he loses points for every one of them that he fails to keep alive

Me: Too many and he gets the Bad Ending

Quatermain and Sawyer find M's private rooms where...for No Reason That Makes Sense...we get a scene of M...having his mustache shaved off????

Me: "Finally

I no longer look like a Vincent Price cosplayer"

My Girlfriend: Can I ask

WHY does the movie make such a big deal about his mustache being removed?

Why is this treated like a plotpoint?

Me: I genuinely choose to believe that the mustache was part of his disguise as M when he was pretending to work for the British government

He's going to stroll into the House of Lords tomorrow and at first they'll be like "Ah look its good old M, our loyal friend...WAIT A MOMENT

HE HASN'T GOT A MUSTACHE!"

My Girlfriend: "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"

Me: "WE HAVE FALLEN FOR A CLEVER RUSE!

HE'S NOT M AT ALL!

HE'S A MAN WITHOUT PROPER FACIAL HAIR!"

My Girlfriend: I hate this but I also hope your right

M's Dramatic Mustache Shaving is interrupted by...some guy....??????

My Girlfriend: Sure movie, less than thirty minutes left in your run time now's a great time to introduce a new character...

Me: I THINK he's the henchmen who told the Fantom/M to run back at Dorian's house?

Which

Like

Not to spoil the big twist but given who M is PROBABLY means this guy is Sebastian Moran

My Girlfriend: I feel he lacks the Hulking Presence of Vinnie Jones

Me: well most people do…

This excited Hench-friend says that he has M's "Box of tricks" for him...

Me: "I MUSTACHE YOU TO CALM DOWN"

My Girlfriend: "HA

IT WAS WORTH IT FOR THAT PUN"

He talks about how they have Jeckyll's potion, "The Indians" science...

My Girlfriend: "The indian"?

REALLY??????

Me: HE HAS A NAME DUDE

And brings up how M is going to be super popular in Europe now

Me: "People in Europe LOVE boxes of invisible skin and vampire blood...we're just weird like that"

My Girlfriend: I'm starting to think with all this vague talk about selling weapons to "Europe" that this whole film was financed by the Brexit Party

Me: "BEWARE THE EU

THEY'RE SENDING EVIL MASTERMINDS TO STEAL THE SECRETS OF OUR INVISIBLE MAN SCIENCE"

Over with Nemo and his crew the alarm has been raised and he tells Hyde that they're in for some trouble

"Trouble?

I CALL IT SPORT"

Me: Hyde's approach to sport is almost as brutal and violent as Wayne Rooney's or your average high school hockey team

One of M's soldiers rushes in to tell him that the league has infiltrated the base....

My Girlfriend: (In a fake accent almost as ridiculous as the soldiers) "BOY VHEN ZINGS GO WRONG..."

An annoyed M wonders "How many times must I kill these cretins?!"

Me: I mean he only actually thought that he'd killed them ONCE so far...

My Girlfriend: Okay but once is normally the maximum number of times you have to kill someone

M's hench-friend along with some regular henchmen and a....THING...

Me: Okay what the hell is that?

My Girlfriend: It appears to be the robot from Devil Girl from Mars

Me: Does that mean that somewhere in this building is a hot space woman in black leather

My Girlfriend: WE CAN ONLY HOPE

All open fire on Nemo with Probably! Sebastian Moran getting pretty joyful about the whole thing

Me: I know he's a villain but I like the Sheer Joy this guy seems to take in his job

My Girlfriend: Look at him go

This is a man who Truly Loves Shooting People

Me: When you love what you do you never work a day in your life

And soon all of their shots are mowing down his crew but somehow Completely Missing Nemo who is standing perfectly still and not even trying to dodge or shield himself

Me: it's a good thing Nemo is a main character

Or he might be in quite a lot of danger here

My Girlfriend: Luckily all of these soldiers have strict instructions not to shoot anyone with a name or a backstory until the dramatic finale

Hyde uses a big metal door as a shield and tells Nemo to get the scientists...

Me: Does...does Hyde even NEED a shield?

I mean...can gunfire HURT this thing?

My Girlfriend: I think he just likes the aesthetic

And in a fairly legitimately bad ass moment Nemo basically starts Slicing His Way through all of M's soldiers who are guarding said scientists

Me: Okay

That is pretty awesome

My Girlfriend: Nemo gets shit done

Me: Why is he not in charge of the League again?

My Girlfriend: It's the 1890's Samantha

Me: Ah that's right, racism ;-;

He kicks a ridiculous amount of ass, it must be said...

My Girlfriend: I feel like M is not getting his moneys worth from these henchmen

Me: The pen is mightier than the sword but the sword is mightier than the gun

Back in his Shave Cave, M is staring thoughtfully at his old Fantom mask when....

Me: "Seems like only yesterday I was...running around Graveyards pretending to be Russian and trying to blow up Venice..."

My Girlfriend: "Where DOES the time go..."

And all of a sudden Quatermain has a gun to his head and tells him the game is over "M...or should I say...Professor...JAMES...MORIARTY"

Me: WHAT A TWIST!

WHAT A TWIST THAT COMES RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF NOWHERE

My Girlfriend: So was Moriarty in the comics or...

Me: He actually was so this is actually one of the few things that was accurately copied from the League comic book here...though in the comic there were two villains and the other villain was Fu Manchu

My Girlfriend: ....

I'm really not sorry that they DIDN'T use Fu Manchu in this film

Me: Yeah Alan Moore's writing is...hit and miss

My Girlfriend: USING FU MANCHU IS A MISS

Me: it is definitely a miss

"James Moriarty...the so called Napoleon of Crime? That man died at Reichenbach Falls..."

My Girlfriend: "Wait so your not Moriarty?"

Me: "Then who the hell are you...I thought I had this whole plot thing figured out..."

"He died...and I was reborn..."

Me: "Oh so you ARE Moriarty and your...a zombie?"

My Girlfriend: "I FIGURATIVELY died and was METAPHORICALLY reborn..."

Me: "Well look you could be more clear about these things"

He nearly kills Quatermain when a henchmen lunges at him with a handy blade but Sawyer saves his life...

Me: Quatermain now owes his life to TOM SAWYER

My Girlfriend: "Alan Quatermain owes his life to Tom Sawyer"

Phrases I didn't expect to hear when I woke up today...

"Eyes open boy...I can't protect you all the time"

Me: HAHAHAHA IT IS A CALLBACK TO EARLIER WHEN QUATERMAIN SAID THAT TO HIM

My Girlfriend: It's almost like this was a real movie with narrative and plot development!

Over with Dorian he's getting ready to leave...

Me: So...how is he planning to get back to London?

My Girlfriend: Who wants to tell him you can't just walk there from Mongolia

When who should appear behind him but Mina!

In her new Sexier Outfit...

Me: Well it may not be the Devil Girl from Mars

But there WAS a woman in black leather lurking around the castle

My Girlfriend: When did she change into that and why

Me: It's a law that all Lady Vampire Heroes have to dress in Sexy Black Leather

Bloodrayne...Selene...I could go on...

My Girlfriend: I'm sure you could...

Dorian is surprised Mina is alive and she brings up how she can't die...

My Girlfriend: "Except through a stake through the heart, or beheading, or silver, or garlic, or...."

Me: "Okay maybe that wasn't strictly accurate"

Mina decides that Dorian is well overdue for an asskicking and lunges at him

Me: YES FUCK HIM UP

My Girlfriend: He deserves to die just for that "Bomb Voyage" line earlier

"Do you know what you've let out of me?"

"A WOMANS WRAAAARRTTTHHHH?"

Me: Who could have guessed that a character based on Oscar Wilde would be a misogynist

My Girlfriend: TRULY SHOCKING

Dorian slashes Mina across the face with his Sword Cane and she does this...weird sexy hair flip as her face heals

Me: Mina temporarily got confused and thought she was in a pantene pro v commercial there

My Girlfriend: The v stands for VAMPIRE

"We'll be at this all day..."

My Girlfriend: it already feels like this fight has been going on all day...

Me: Oh don't worry we have EVEN MORE of this scene to look forward to yet

They continue to fight and Dorian brings up that they're in "The bedroom...does it bring back memories...or ideas???"

Me: Look, movie you are not going to convince us this man is heterosexual

My Girlfriend: We've accepted a LOT of bullshit from you movie but that is asking too damn much

Mina says it gives her "Ideas"...and stabs Dorian right in the dick

Me: Mina does what we've all been wanting to do for much of this films duration

My Girlfriend: Mina is now the Most Relatable Person in this Film

Me: A TRUE HERO

Mina is momentarily distracted by the painting and Dorian stabs her in the chest!!!!

Me: OH NOOOOOOOO

I MEAN WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S A VAMPIRE AND THAT WON'T KILL HER

BUT OH NO

My Girlfriend: I COMPLETELY BUY THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY DEAD AND THIS DEFINITELY IS NOT A FAKE OUT

"I was looking forward to NAILING you one last time...I didn't think it would be LITERALLY"

Me: ............

On the list of things this movie has made me hear with my own two ears

That might well be the worst

My Girlfriend: IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE

Me: Right?

He didn't stab her with a nail he stabbed her with his Sword Cane Thing...

IT DOES NOT WORK AS A QUIP

My Girlfriend: He's clearly caught Bond One Liner Disease from Connery being on set around him so much

Me: AND THERE'S NO KNOWN CURE

Back with Quatermain and Sawyer they're chasing Moriarty through the building....

Me: Okay, Sawyer is a fit man in his twenties at the latest...Quatermain is older but has spent his whole life as an adventurer...yet NEITHER of them can catch a FIFTY YEAR OLD MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: I dearly hope the next twenty minutes of the film are just them chasing him up and down corridoors like a Scooby Doo episode

Me: "Now let's see who the Fantom REALLY i...oh wait right it's Moriarty, we already knew that"

Sawyer bumps into an Invisible Person who he assumes is their old pal Rodney Skinner...

Me: And I'm sure it definitely is

My Girlfriend: After all the film didn't foreshadow Moriarty having invisible men of his own only ten minutes ago or anything

And yep sure enough the invisible not! Cockney asks "What makes you think I'm Skinner?"

Me: Well done at completely giving away the element of surprise there

My Girlfriend: Much more sensible than just stabbing him in the back while he thought he was safe

Me: A truly genius manoeuvre literally abandoning the ONE TACTICAL ADVANTAGE that being invisible gave you there

So the Invisible Villain starts wielding a blade at Sawyer and stabbing at his um...crotch

My Girlfriedn: What is it with this movie and dick stabbings

Me: "Dick Stabbings" sounds like the worst Porn Name ever, as a sidenote

My Girlfriend: Why....would you say that

JUST WHY

Sawyer shoots at everywhere EXCEPT the knife...

Me: If only he had some kind of target to aim at

That told him where the invisible killer was

My Girlfriend: Something they were HOLDING maybe

And after a brief scuffle the knife comes back at him looking basically like Floating Cutlery

Me: I can't believe these bastards ripped off the greatest horror writer of our age...Garth Marenghi...and copied his classic Dark Place episode "Hell Hath Fury" with this fight

My Girlfriend: HE SHOULD SUE

Me: He would if it weren't for the fact he's declared bankruptcy fifteen times in the last two years

The novels are NOT selling like they used to babe

And then as if things weren't going badly enough out lumbers one of those Weird Robot Men Things...

Me: "S T O P T H E H U M A N O I D"

My Girlfriend: He actually just wants to ask Sawyer if he saw a lion and a scarecrow go this way

Me: Trust me you...you really don't want to know what Alan Moore did with the Wizard of Oz characters

My Girlfriend: Do I want to know ANYTHING about what this man was involved in?

Me: Well I mean Top 10 was pretty good... mostly...

My Girlfriend: Mmmmmmmmm....

The Robot Dude just full on starts SETTING EVERYTHING ON FIRE

Me: I HEARD SOMEBODY SAY BURN BABY BURN

CASTLE INFERNO

My Girlfriend: BURN BABY BURN

BURN TOM SAWYER DOWN

Sawyer looks done for...

Me: Tom Sawyer is in a HEATED CONFLICT!

Will the Malevolent Moriarty make Mincemeat of our Merry Men?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME

SAMNE LEAGUE TIME

SAME LEAGUE CHANNEL

But then the Actual Invisible Man comes to his rescue! He causes the robot man to explode...

My Girlfriend: it sure is handy that he was just RIGHT WHERE HE NEEDED TO BE at exactly the right time to do this

Me: THIS PLOT IS MADE OF CONVENIENT THINGS

My Girlfriend: it saves the heroes the trouble of actually having to think their way out of anything...

However he gets set on fire for his trouble

Me: "OH GOD THATS RIGHT FIRE IS HOT"

Over with Hyde he's getting the hostages to safety and doing okay when Moran runs up and basically gets ready to throw hands...

Me: I feel like this is a bit of a one sided fight here

My Girlfriend: Not really a fair match up...

Hyde bitch-slaps him away...

My Girlfriend: So his punches can SHATTER BRICK

But this guy is totally unharmed by it

Me: He equipped a body armour power up before the fight began

But Moran grabs a beaker of Hyde's Monster Potion!

My Girlfriend: Sure is lucky that he landed RIGHT NEXT TO THAT

Me: And that it wasn't spilt or smashed or in any way damaged during all this fighting

My Girlfriend: And that they had beakers of monster potion just laying around to begin with

Me: SO FORTUNATE

And just like that he starts CHUGGING THE WHOLE THING DOWN while pouring it all over his face

My Girlfriend: DRINK MOTHERFUCKER DRINK

Me: Not only is he going to beat Hyde, he's totally going to get into that Fraternity he's pledging

"NO...not the WHOLE THING..."

Me: True fact: watching with dismay and letting out a horrified "No...not the whole thing"...is also how Hyde's actor reacted at the after-party when he saw Connery get his hands on a bottle of hard liquor

My Girlfriend: It's a reaction that Connery has seen MANY times

Back with Dorian, he's creeping around Mina's corpse....

Me: Yep she's definitely dead alright

My Girlfriend: I fully believe she is absolutely 100% dead

He pulls out his sword and turns his back on her...and she rises up behind him

Me: MY GOD

ITS LIKE SHE WAS SOME KIND OF SUPERNATURAL CREATURE

POSSIBLY A MUMMY

She grabs his sword and stabs him impaling him to the wall

My Girlfriend: We're going to get another fucking quip aren't we....

"You broke my heart once...this time you missed"

My Girlfriend: YAAAAYYYYYY THERE IT IS

Me: She was pretending to be dead for so long because she was thinking that up

Dorian is pinned like a butterfly and Mina grabs the portrait where its wrapped up in the corner

Me: HMMMMM

Where could this be going...

And says how Dorian wanted to meet his demons...

My Girlfriend: I AM MYSTIFIED AS TO HOW THIS MIGHT END

She unveils....

Me: That is a VERY unflattering portrait of Richard O-Brien right there

My Girlfriend: That or its Crypt Keeper fanart...

And Dorian just turns into a skeleton like he drunk from the Wrong Holy Grail

Me: MY GOD

ALL THIS TIME DORIAN WASN'T DORIAN GRAY AT ALL

HE WAS A SKELETON IN DISGUISE

My Girlfriend: AN IMPOSTOR

Me: Who knows how many other people might have SKELETONS HIDING INSIDE THEM

My Girlfriend: Its the kind of thing that keeps you up at night

Mina makes the Best Face in reaction to this

Me: That is pretty much how I would react too

My Girlfriend: "Of all the things I expected to happen when I did that...I didn't expect THAT"

Over with Sawyer, he's looking after a badly burnt Invisible Man who coughs out that that's "The last time I play with matches"

My Girlfriend: These after school specials have gotten dark

Me: Really taken a morbid turn here

But while Sawyer is checking on the Invisible Man the Invisible Villain is behind him with a knife!

Me: "SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER"

My Girlfriend: How was he not At All Burned by the ENTIRE ROOM BEING ON FIRE

Me: More to the point how the hell was Sawyer not harmed by the room EXPLODING

what is this kid made of...

Back with Quatermain he's still looking for Moriarty...

Me: "Where's Moriarty?"

Never really took off as a book series...

He spots what looks like and declares it's the "End of the line" and shoots at him...

My Girlfriend: Didn't he say they needed him alive?

Me: You can't question a corpse Alan

But its just a reflection in a mirror!

Me: Well that's seven years bad luck...

My Girlfriend: Given what Sean Connery's film career was like in the years leading up to this movie I think the bad luck was applied retroactively

Moriarty smashes Quatermain's rifle with a sword telling him that he'll need Mr Hyde to kill him...

Me: Only a superhuman being could stand a chance at killing a MATHS PROFESSOR

My Girlfriend: He has all the powers of a middle aged man with a knife!

But Quatermain says Hyde will be "Making his own fun"...

We cut to Hyde getting the crap beaten out of him

Me: Do you ever get tired of being wrong Alan...

My Girlfriend: "I'm sure he's doing fine and I haven't left my entire team to die"

Me: "Can you imagine..."

Hyde calls out to Nemo for help...

Me: Okay I like Nemo

I really do...he's probably the most likable character in the whole film...but...WHAT EXACTLY does Hyde think he'll be able to do to help here?

My Girlfriend: I don't see how he's going to stand much chance against this thing

Nemo rushes to his aid only for Hyde to then...tell him to run? whAt?????

Me: "BUT YOU JUST TOLD ME TO COME HERE TO HELP YOU!"

My Girlfriend: "You know how changable I can be"

And we are "Treated" to the sight of...of....

My Girlfriend: what am I seeing here

Me: WHAT ARE WE SEEING WITH OUR OWN TWO EYES

WHAT IS THIS

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES THIS EXIST

Nemo asks the very reasonable question of What The Actual Hell He's Seeing

Me: EVEN NEMO IS HORRIFIED

AND HE IS A MAN WHO HAS SEEN SOME SHIT

My Girlfriend: "THAT'S THE WORST CGI ATROCITY I'VE EVER SEEN"

And Hyde tells him it's "Me...on a bad day..."

Me: That or it's the Ultimate Warrior, here to teach them about Destrucity

My Girlfriend: IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HIS DESTINY TO BE WHO HE NOW IS

The two Hyde's charge at each other...

Me: RAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR

YOU CAN FEEL IT TOO

YOU CAN FEEL IT TOO

My Girlfriend: HE NEEDS NOT YOUR PROTECTION HOAK HOGAN

And we then get the two of them exhcanging some Furious Punches...

Me: ROCK EM SOCK EM HYDE'S

My Girlfriend: In stores now from Hasbro!

Back with Quatermain he and Moriarty are involved in a sword duel

Me: it sure is lucky so many arch villains favour sword duels for their Climatic Battles with their nemesis...imagine how fast the movie would be over if they chose pistols instead

My Girlfriend: The next ten minutes of the film is just Quatermain and Moriarty shooting at each other and missing

Me: I mean it would still be a more exciting conclusion than the way they ended Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

it looks like Quatermain has the upper hand but then Moriarty just headbutts Quatermain and it looks Pretty Bad for him...

My Girlfriend: "I say old bean, dashed unsporting"

Me: "Dirty pool, Moriarty"

My Girlfriend: "It's just not cricket"

Hyde is not faring much better in his fistfight with Bigger More Evil Hyde...

Me: It's a good thing concussions and blunt force trauma don't exist otherwise he would be Very Dead by now

My Girlfriend: They are myths

Not like totally real things like Monster Potions

As he's temporarily knocked out of the fight Nemo tags in...

Me: "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR...A SEA CAPTAIN!"

My Girlfriend: HE'S GOING TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM THE WAY HE SOLVES EVERY PROBLEM

BY STABBING IT

And then he just kind of goes into a WILD BLUR OF SWORD SLICING hacking and slashing away at More Evil! Hyde

My Girlfriend: OH MY GOD WHY WAS I RIGHT

Me: He's showing off the skill and quickness with a blade here that has lead to him winning Chopped fifteen years in a row

However Nemo is also knocked back and he's convinced that there's no way to stop Evil! Hyde

Me: "Stabbing it didn't work!

AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO"

My Girlfriend: "HE'S IMMUNE TO SWORDS

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL"

"He's burning through the formula too fast...he'll soon change ba..."

(Hyde is interrupted by More Evil! Hyde smashing his fist through a wall and just thwapping his head against the bricks

Me: "OH GOD I WAS WRONG HE'S NOT CHANGING BACK AT ALL"

My Girlfriend: "NEMO FOR GODS SAKE HELP ME"

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty their fight continues as Moriarty swings a chain at him!

Me: HE'S CHAINING HIS ATTACKS

My Girlfriend: GET OUT NOW

But Quatermain gets hold of it and starts choking Moriarty with it

Me: "OH GOD...THIS IS HOW DAVID CARRADINE DIED"

My Girlfriend: "WE DIDN'T SET A SAFE WORD YET"

"I hope I have your fire when I'm your age..."

My Girlfriend: It's nice he can still compliment his nemesis as he tries to murder him

Me: Good manners cost nothing after all

Quatermain says Moriarty won't live past today but he manages to get free!

Me: "Oh I guess maybe you will live past today"

My Girlfriend: I'm genuinely curious why the plan went from "Capture M" to "Murder M with a Chain"

Me: Quatermain decided it would just be too much bother

Only for Quatermain to come at him fists raised

My Girlfriend: An angry Sean Sonnery, looming at you with his fists in the air

NEVER a welcome sight

Me: THE LAST THING SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN

And begin repeatedly smacking him right in the face...

Me: This wasn't even scripted, Connery just saw Moriarty's actor stealing a drink from his hip flask and this is how he reacted

My Girlfriend: HE KNEW THE RISKS

Quatermain grabs himself an axe...

Me: "I'm going to AXE you a question"

My Girlfriend: It's a good thing this room has so many equippable weapons

Me: It's like a Resident Evil boss fight in this place...

Back with Hyde and Nemo as they flee Hyde reveals his own potion is wearing off!

Me: OH NO THE TIMING

THE INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY AND INCONVENIENT TIMING

My Girlfriend: His potion is designed to wear off at the most dramatic moment in the plot

Me: "In retrospect it was not a good choice"

As he changes back we get to see More Evil! Hyde charging at them and just...

WOW

Me: Well then

I'll be seeing THAT in my nightmares tonight

My Girlfriend: IT CAN NEVER BE FORGOTTEN

They take cover in a room full of...spiky ice crystals????

Me: Why is this room here...

My Girlfriend: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS ROOM

As More Evil Hyde rampages some of the Spiky Ice Crystals fall toward them but they dodge for now!

Me: NO REALLY WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE

My Girlfriend: WHY DOES MORIARTY'S CASTLE LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN MARIO STAGE

Back with Quatermain and Moriarty, Moriarty rants about how they'll be "Others like me..."

Me: "Other abysmally acted movie villains with a British accent and a vague evil plot!"

My Girlfriend: "Appearing in one disappointing summer blockbuster after another!"

Me: "UNTIL THE END OF TIME"

"You can't kill the future!"

Me: Okay but he can very much kill YOU though

My Girlfriend: I'd be more worried about that than the future right now

Quatermain looms over him with an axe as the music gets Very Dramatic!

My Girlfriend: OH NO

OUR FILMS VILLAIN IS IN PERIL

Me: HE'S GOING TO MURDER THE COLD BLOODED MURDEROUS ARMS DEALER!

My Girlfriend: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

As Quatermain gets ready to bring the axe down and More Evil! Hyde gets ready to stab Jeckyll and Nemo....the bombs go off!

My Girlfriend: They forgot this stage was on a timer

Me: WHAT A ROOKIE MISTAKE

Now they'll have to play through it all over again!

And everything stars Blowing The Fuck Up

Me: Somewhere, Michael Bay just had an orgasm

My Girlfriend: Never say those words again

As the castle collapses everyone is thrown about and More Evil! Hyde is trapped under rubble...

Me: And once again the film is weirdly specific at showing one of the VILLAINS of the movie in peril

My Girlfriend: There is a haunting desperation in his eyes

Our lost shot of him is him screaming right before he too Blows Up

Me: WELL THAT WAS DARK

My Girlfriend: He died as he lived...in a castle

Back with Moriarty he's taking advantage of the confusion to...grab his Fantom mask again? whAt???????????

Me: Okay seriously what is it with him and that mask

My Girlfriend: IT WAS A GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER OKAY

IT HAS REAL SENTIMENTAL VALUE

Me: Its a priceless supervillain mask family heirloom

Quatermain has him at gunpoint though but he asks him if he "Ever gets tired of being wrong"

Me: "Why do you keep taking these roles"

My Girlfriend: "I mean good god man that Avengers reboot...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

"Wrong about the league...wrong about me...wrong about Skinner...and wrong about your American"

My Girlfriend: He's actually been CANADIAN this whole time!

Me: DECEPTION

DISGRAAAAAAACE

"I think you trained him about as well as you trained your son!"

Me: On the list of things NOT to say to a pissed off man who is pointing a gun at your face

"Hahahahaha ur son is dead lol he sucked"

Is probably at the top of that list

My Girlfriend: "You could shoot me dead and already hate me so I think I'll just be even more loathsome to piss you off some more"

Me: He's a criminal genius alright

In the reflection of the Fantom Mask Quatermain sees that the invisible assasin has got Sawyer at knife point behind him!

Me: "MY GOD SOMEONE'S TRAPPED TOM SAWYER IN A MASK"

My Girlfriend: "IT'S A REFLECTION YOU IDIOT"

He whirls around and shoots said invisible man dead

Me: RIP Some Guy who was invisible

My Girlfriend: We hardly knew ye

But Moriarty stabs Quatermain in the back!

Me: “RIGHT IN THE BACK

LIKE THE COWARD I AM”

My Girlfriend: If heroes can be judged by the quality of their enemies then the League are…not that impressive

Me: Likewise if Moriarty is to be judged by the league being his enemies he doesn’t come out of this looking great either

And then no word of a lie he JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND HIS COAT LETS HIM GLIDE TO SAFETY LIKE HE WAS FUCKIN DRACULA

Me: All this time Moriarty kept the deadliest weapon of all to himself…A MAGIC COAT

My Girlfriend: Apparently you can slow your fall from a great height by just wearing a long coat

Me: Babe grab my Matrix coat I’mma jump off the roof

My Girlfriend: SAMANTHA NO

He takes off running...Sawyer and Quatermain have a rifle...

Me: OH GOOD!

CHEKOVS GUN!

But those spectacles we saw Quatermain needs to hit a distant target were broken in the fight!

Me: OH NO!

CHEKOVS SPECTACLES!

He instead tells Sawyer that he has to take the shot, telling him that "He's ready"

My Girlfriend: Remember all that training we saw him give Sawyer, ready for this moment?

Me: Not…really?

My Girlfriend: GOOD, ME NEITHER

 Me: We literally saw him try to teach Sawyer to shoot once, for two minutes…and Sawyer was terrible at it…and then Quatermain grumped off

My Girlfriend: But it’s fine because now he’s a crack shot

Me: SOMEONE on this movie was on some kind of crack

"You have all the time in the world..."

Me: There’s that Bond reference again!

My Girlfriend: They are really milking it here

Moriarty is nearly at his Escape Ship....

Me: And once he reaches it he shall retire from crime in three days ti…

My Girlfriend: (HITS ME WITH A PILLOW)

But Sawyer shoots him down and the box of Stolen League Stuff goes skidding under the ice Me: Annnnnnnd…that’s our big climax for our MAIN VILLAIN folks

Our main villain who we didn’t even find out was Moriarty until about twenty minutes before he died

My Girlfriend: Shot in the back, running across the ice by Tom fuckin Sawyer

Me: PULSE POUNDING

Sawyer is pretty happy about killing a man but turns around to see Quatermain is NOT in good shape... Me: I just want to point out Quatermain has been getting stabbed throughout this movie and been fine but apparently this time he was stabbed in his…enchanted collar bone or something?

So now he’s dying of Plot Twist

My Girlfriend: Alternatively he’s dying because he’s been getting stabbed repeatedly throughout this movie and never ONCE sought medical treatment

Me: “BAH!

DOCTORSH WHAT DO THEY KNOW!?

THE ONLY MEDISHINE I NEED IS WHISHKEY”

"May this new century be yours son...as the last one was mine..." Me: Translation: Please god don’t bring me back for the sequel

My Girlfriend: “May your career go better than mine did son”

Me: “If you ever get the lead role in a spy franchise, DON’T QUIT IT

Nothing good will happen to you afterwards”

We cut to...Kenya! Where they're having a funeral for Quatermain.... Me: So I guess that’s all the wrap up we’re getting to all of THAT then

My Girlfriend: I just want to say if they transported Quatermain’s body all the way to Kenya from Mongolia BY SEA that body is probably pretty ripe by now

"You remember how the old boy said Africa would never let him die?"

My Girlfriend: “LOOKS LIKE HE WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT WASN’T HE”

Me: “TOO SOON”

"What's next?"

Me: “Years of shame as we try to get a better part in a less terrible film

Then we tour the conventions when this movie gets Cult Status as a So Bad Its Good B Movie”

My Girlfriend: “Then in our late sixties we enjoy a resurgence in popularity when Rifftrax or MST3K riff this abominable mess and bring us newfound acclaim”

Nemo says he's tired of "Hiding away from the world" and wishes to "See this new century"

My Girlfriend: “I wanna be…where the people are”

Me: “I wanna see…wanna see them daaaaaancing”

He invites them all to come along which they agree to because Why Not

Me: “We have learned that all of us are a vampire

And a Mr Hyde

A pirate captain

An invisible man

And a Mark Twain character”

My Girlfriend: “Yours…the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”

Me: And then Tom Sawyer kisses Mina and walks away while pumping his fist in the air

My Girlfriend: DON’T YOOOOUUUUUUU

FORGET ABOUT MEEEEEE

Mina and Jeckyll share a Sad Farewell to Quatermain's grave

Me: “We’re going to really miss that guy we shared one conversation with one time”

My Girlfriend: Mina is heartbroken that the repulsive misogynist who told her women are nothing but a distraction is no longer with them

And, this is genuinely all the emotional pay off we get, Sawyer just puts his rifle on Quatermain's grave, pats it, says "Thanks" and runs off

Me: Well

They really wrapped up that character arc well

My Girlfriend: GREAT STUFF

Truly the conclusion we all were desperate to see

Me: The closest thing this film had to any genuine emotional honesty was the father/son bond the two were developing

How do they deal with that?

Quatermain drops dead of “They’re not paying me enough to do another of these bloody things” and Sawyer basically reacts with less emotion than you’d expect if the family dog had passed away

My Girlfriend: I’d be WAY sadder about a dog dying than Sean Connery getting killed

Me: WE ALL WOULD

But still

As they leave we get an Extremely Racist Stereotype because oh goody!

Me: HORRAY

The whole time I was watching this I was thinking “But wait where’s all the RACISM”

Here it is

My Girlfriend: They saved it for us

They're doing...I don't know some kind of magic? And suddenly clouds fill the sky...

My Girlfriend: Ororo Munroe must be nearby

Me: HALLE BERRY NO

You’ve been in enough terrible superhero movies…stop putting yourself through this!

Quatermain's grave begins to rumble...

My Girlfriend: Please tell me his hand is going to shoot up out of the grave and grab the rifle Me: You would THINK but…

And then the credits

Me: AND THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: …..

No really, where’s the rest of the movie

Me: That’s it

THAT’S THE ENDING

My Girlfriend: THAT’S THE ENDING

Me: I genuinely thought, like you, that Quatermain’s hand was gonna shoot up like the end of fuckin Carrie at the end there and grab his rifle

But no

THAT’S IT

My Girlfriend: WELL THEN

Final Thoughts:

Me: So that was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

THOUGHTS?

My Girlfriend: It was…extraordinary

In that I find it extraordinary that any of this ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Or that a studio looked at the script or the rough cut of the film and decided to ACTUALLY release this to the public

Me: I find it extraordinary that Sawyer somehow never gets so much as a bruise despite being shot at, crushed, blown up TWICE and attacked with a knife

My Girlfriend: TOM SAWYER IS IMMORTAL

Me: I have to say, I watched the Nostalgia Critic review of this once and in it he genuinely called this film “Boring” and that, like many things about Channel Awesome these days, is something I cannot agree with…

Like

Boring?

Really?

Did we see the same film?

My Girlfriend: This film was many things…cheesy, campy, incoherent, nonsensical, confusing, hilarious, badly plotted, weirdly acted…but it never bored me

Me: And I feel like we should stress that like…this is NOT a good movie…but if your in the right frame of mind and you enjoy So Bad Its Good silliness it is a FUN movie a lot of the time

My Girlfriend: Highlights?

Me: I would have to say that everything about the fight scenes was HILLARIOUS just for how weird they got with it…it gave us gems like “The vampire lady has us covered”, Mr Hyde fighting Bigger Angrier Mr Hyde and of course Sean Connery running through the streets of paris shooting at Mr Hyde as he runs around the rooftops in a GIANT TOP HAT

My Girlfriend: For me it was probably the sheer stupid fun of this whole film.

That said

I really could have done without Quatermain’s oh so charming 1800’s sexism

Me: SAME

And I think we all could have done without “Nemo’s FOREIGN RELIGION is scary to us!” as well

My Girlfriend: WE REALLY COULD HAVE

Me: Did we learn anything from this film?

My Girlfriend: We learned you can be a thief, a serial killer or drink the blood of the living but its all okay if your willing to go murder people who are slightly worse

Me: We learned that you shouldn’t overdose on Mr Hyde Drugs

My Girlfriend: We learned that Sean Connery doesn’t actually read the scripts his agent sends him….

Me: Most importantly we learned that if we ever die we should get buried in Kenya because apparently the country has the power to just bring you back as a Superhero Zombie

My Girlfriend: Samantha what the hell do you mean IF we ever die

Me: I HAVE A PLAN

My Girlfriend: oh no…

[poetlcs]

here’s some wlw books -

Im SICK of u bitches whining about wlw books “not existing” when they do !!!!!  and u just haven’t looked !!!!  so I’m taking one for the team and making a list of some I liked u can check out. as always there is more so do ur research but @lgbtqreads is a good place to start! ok lets goo

fantasy

girls of paper and fire by natasha ngan - lesbian mc and f/f relationship. Asian inspired fntasy about a girl who gets kidnapped and becomes one of the kings concubines aka a paper girl. tw for sexual assault / rape, death of an animal, sex slavery, war themes and violence

 girls made of snow and glass by melissa bashardoust - frozen / snow queen retelling focussing on the relationship between step mother and step daughter. Has villain girls and morally grey stuff, also, an f/f relationship with the main girl!

the abyss surrounds us by emily skrutskie - QUEER !! MORALLY GREY !! ENEMIES TO LOVERS !! PIRATE GIRLS !!!!!!! yes this is an f/f pirate story that is enemies to lovers and features sea monster pets get around it. 

labyrinth lost by zoraida cordova - on her death day a bruja called Alex accidentally casts a spell that makes her entire family vanish. Now with the help of a boy called Nova she has to go to Los Lagos to find them. Alex is bi and there is an f/f relationship. 

A lake of feathers and moonbeams by dax murray - queer swan lake retelling set in a fantasy world on the brink of war. Has a polyam ship that is f/f/nb !

reign of the fallen by sarah glenn marsh - queer ! necromancers !!! basically a world where it’s necromancers jobs to constantly bring the king back to life. But now someone is purposely trying to stop the resurrections? Mc Odessa is bi and there’s an f/f relationship. 

of fire and stars by audrey coulthurst - a princess betrothed to the prince of another country ends up falling for his sister instead. Follows their romance and also a brewing war between their two countries. 

unicorn tracks by julia ember - fantasy world where a girl called Mnemba works at a wildlife park housing fantastical creatures like unicorns. When poachers start stealing unicorns, Mnemba and Kara, a researcher from overseas, go to track them down. f/f relationship. 

science fiction

the apocalyse of elena mendoza by shaun david hutchinson - about a bi girl called Elena who gains the ability to heal people but everytime she does a random person from somewhere in the world dies. A bit weird and quirky (if you’ve read anything by SDH you know what I mean) main girl is pursuing another girl but no more info bc spoilers !

otherbound by corinne duyvis - Everytime Nolan blinks he becomes privy to the life of Amara, a girl who lives in a fantasy kingdom. Nolan thinks he is imagining things but Amara is real, and bund to protect the princess in her kingdom without knowing her every move is being watched. This is kind of mind bending and weird, but there is an f/f relationship! 

dreadnought by april daniels - a trans girl called Danny witnesses the death of the superhero Dreadnought, and as a result inherits his powers. Now with a new body that looks like she always wishes it had, she must track down the villain who killed Dreadnought, before the villain tracks down her. Has an f/f flirtation but it continues into the next book bc SLOW BURN. 

contemporary

you know me well by nina lacour and david levithan - pov switches between lesbian and gay mcs. Follows the two main characters over one pride week when they learn they’re both queer one night out. this is short and sweet. f/f and m/m relationships. 

queens of geek by jen wilde - follows three friends from Australia who get to attend comic con because Charlie (the mc) is a popular vlogger. Charlie is Chinese-Australian and bisexual and has a crush on a fellow bi vlogger called Alyssa! This is SO cute and fun with some of my personal fav bi rep

under the lights by dahlia adler - set in Hollywood, follows a tv star called Vanessa who finds herself with a crush on another girl and unsure what to do next. The other MC is a hollywood star who has been a typical Bad Boy but is trying to reform. Has an f/f relationship and an m/f platonic relationship. 

radio silence by alice oseman - about a called called Frances who is obsessed with this podcast called Universe City and randomly meets its creator leading to them becoming best friends. Frances is bi!

fearless by shira glassman - short story about two mums who meet at their kids music recital and are attracted to eachother. This was so short and cute

the nelody of you and me by m. hollis - two girls who work at a bookstore together start to develop feelings. I think the MCs are lesbian and pan from memory. This is so sweet and fluffy too. 

historical fiction

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid - about a movie star called Evelyn Hugo who was big in the 50/60s but is now retired. She hasn’t done an interview in decades but all of a sudden requests Monique, an inexperienced journalist, write a tell all about her life. Follows Evelyn’s story & why she has seven husbands, but also features the most beautiful epic f/f love story ever. Evelyn is Cuban and bi. Not as hetero as the title suggests !!!

mystery

far from you by tess sharpe - everyone told Sophie her best friend and secret girlfriend Mina died at a drug deal gone wrong, but Sophie’s sure she was murdered. Now that Sophie is out of rehab, she’s determined to expose the truth behind Mina’s death once and for all. ‘

Some more I haven’t read but Reviewers I Trust liked

Everything Leads To You & We Are Okay by Nina LaCour 

Style by Chelsea M. Cameron (and all CMC’s work)

Soft on Soft by Em Ali

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant 

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth

How to Make a Wish by Ashley Herring Blake

Not Your Sidekick by C.B Lee

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters

The Colour Purple by Alice Walker

Wild Beauty by Anna-Marie McLemore

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

Ash by Malinda Lo

A&B by J.C Lillis

and those are just SOME I have read and liked and only a tiny tiny portion of what is out there. Yeah it can def be harder to find f/f books in your typical library than like an hetero m/f one but they are Out There !!!!!!! If you want more recs you can follow me on twitter or goodreads or my book blog if u would like. thank u, next ! 

[mikkock]

Uhm??????? Unacceptable?? Please tell me more about your OCs in that last art? I demand it? I want a full report on my desk before morning? Cite your sources please?

Oh no,, you’re asking,,, about my own faves,,, sorry to everyone, but I guess im never going to shut up ever now. (i already don’t shut up ever, what have u done, im now going to speak so much that society will collapse AT LEAST)

But for real. I enjoy pretending I don’t have faves, I love all my kids the same, buT WE ALL KNO THAT’S A LIE, those two my fave bitches (they snatched that title from the last two faves, rip to them, and they also snatched, n I must really make that clear, the title of “the bitches with the most AUs from the previous previous faves. Their power.)

SO. Get ready for a ride, table of content: them, their respective character, their story, and the pLETHORA OF ALTERNATE STORIES I GAVE THEM because i must yell about all the versions of my kids i have (non-exhaustive cause its that serious bro, but ill take extra time for the universe depicted in that art just for u bby). (tbh if clamp is allowed to sprinkle their fave gays in all their universes so am i, except they aint secondary characters there, every story is just theirs. love that concept.)(itll be so long you’re getting a whole novel even if i have to post it in two posts)

So~ Em twos. Dari n Wei-wei as I call em, or Dumbass n Egg if you wanna get friendly.

They’re my proudest instance of “oops i made a squad of characters, and two of them just accidentally were so perfectly compatible and complementary oh no I guess they’re in love now.” And then they became my favourite. Cause I guess their potential was too much (jk its bc they hot)

cuties.

I spent ten minutes wondering which to introduce first cause dang son, I want to talk bout them both so much shefjgfdg

First, as I technically designed him first (like ten minutes before the other), my man weiwei. if u ever saw my art its impossible that you havent seen him at least once. cause i’m legit always drawing him. cause im in love bro.

Demonstration : here are my computer scribbled weiweis of 2020 so far (with a few daris there n there they’re a package deal), that i could find, and they do not include all the paper sketches that i’m too lazy to take pics of. (i just been drawing him with so much hair these days that’s illegal, his brand is baldness)

But anyway, he’s CHEN Chia-Wei, he’s 21, he’s Taiwanese n I love him. Two very important facets of his character when you meet him: he doesn’t talk, and is absolutely, in every single dimension, built to make you fall head over heels for him.

He’s (in the “canon” storyline if i may call it that since it’s def not my most developed one but oh well) an art student, mostly paints but is also great at photography and videography (his vibe is busy hectic pieces with strong bold colours, lots of harsh edges, and very people focused).

Aside from that, he’s also super into fashion, and because he’s part of the rich boy squad (the “im broke so im giving half my characters wealth in compensation) he Can and Does exhibit some quite funky fits when he feels like it. (maybe a reason I draw him a lot, since my fave thing is pretty boys in weird ass clothes)(and then i also draw him in just casual shit cuz tittiful men in plain white tees you know. there’s just something about it.)

Small compilation of outfits. ft me and my band handwriting roasting outfits that id also kill to own but ok u know.

He digs music. (i make playlists for my OCs and i gotta say, his is the best one, i spent so many hours researching it, “arranging” it etc n its still a work in progress but dude. she got many moods my fave part is when it suddenly turns into so many cheesy ballads also she’s enormous cause im as wordy in playlists as I am in writing.) listens to a lot, n also he can play piano n guitar. cause you know. heartthrobs got to win your heart with a song (and if he’s alone he can even mumble some songs, who knows maybe even sing em softly, definitly a sight to stumble on accidentally). Big main artists that have his vibes are Hello Nico, No Party for Cao Dong, n Circa Waves’s “what’s it like over there” album.

He does a lot of sports. He ain’t fit through magic, rip to him. He’s got a serious routine, and it’s a time he likes to use alone, cause nothing like running at the break of dawn, alone with your thoughts, which you can just easily forget through the exhaustion of a workout session afterwards.

he also eats. A lot. Food is just good, bro. (the canon story is def happening some place europe aka his biggest struggle is how expensive food is here. outrageous.)

He secretly loves super cheesy movies. the dramatic romcoms??? the cute shows that are just so cute and worriless?? anything involving soulmates??? yeh dude. he watches it, he reads it, he listens to it, and he may cry about it, but no one will know. That’s the one true guilty pleasure. (and he definitly has a collection of romance dvds, books n manhuas in his old room back at the family home. where no one can see it. perks of studying abroad. no one can see ur hoarding of material that clashes your image. “yes i watch edgy experimental things haha yes i love those smart people movies of course wow the philosophy…” and then immediatly goes to watch the trashiest predictable but oh so sweet dramas all night)

While he doesn’t speak (as in with the mouth) he can communicate in a bunch of language, due to having moved around quite a bit. On top of his native mandarin and hokkien, he’s fluent in English, so he can use those to write, and is also fluent in TSL, and pretty good in HKSL (and from that, other close-in-syntax sign languages). So he doesn’t have trouble getting around, but then he is also overall quiet in public (with close friends and over text though, that’s another story, that’s where he gets chattier, and also where you may get more of his true personality). Also, he can speak with his sister. That’s pretty cool bro.

I was going to say he’s a very “hides his true colours under a shell” type of character but you know, for an egg character, that’s pretty ironic. We love poetic cinema.

He presents himself as a very laid back, chill detached dude, going with the flow and all that great stuff, and masterfully mixes just the right doses of mysterious, flirty and calm to just go around vibing. But ain’t that jUST THE MILLENIAL’S ILLNESS, those dANG KIDS, going around, gettin relationships but never intimacy 👏😢 (there’s more to it dont leave)

First of all, before you see the Drama, the Turmoil, the first thing you notice when you really do befriend him is that he’s c h i l d i s h, he gets sulky when things dont go following the plan, he gets whiny n jealous for not getting attention , he gets competitive over stupid challenges, and way too playful if you start teasing, and when he gets flustered too…you think you get cool stoic dude but actually you get a dude who’s reacting to things with way too much intensity, and boi i thought u were gon be mature what’s that why have you been pouting for three days over losing a bet come on- That’s mostly coming up when he interacts with his sister, but the closest you are to him to more of it you get to see.

He’s also an affectionate dude actually. Like physically. As in you’ll get spontaneous hugs. He’s come nap on your shoulder. That’s a perk of befriending him if you ask me.

Also he tries to look so cool, so tough haha. He’s actually a lil sensitiv boi. he gets fluffy, he gets flustered, he heart eyes. you turn around and he’s gazing at ya as if you were the whole universe. he gets a mini crisis for holding hands with his crush. ya know. he’s secretly a softie.

nerd.

Then in the “what he doesn’t show” (my fave part), where you stock all the anxieties, all the trauma… Obviously there’s a lot of anxiety here (selective muteness being a symptom of it, he hides the other ones very well) mostly fear of inadequacy, of abandonement and of loneliness. mmmmmmmaybe that’s why he was v reticent to continue pursuing that one guy he was into when he realised he was just a tad too into him oh no is that some,, like?? some lovey-love?? cant have that im afraid of gettin heartbroken bro. Aint that sad for a someone who’s one true goal is just findin someone to love and to be with forever, the struggles of yearnin for a soulmate when there’s nothing you fear more than getting attached to a person and letting them see you and your flaws.., delicious.

Now tho (because its so alone speaking about a character on their own and i just wanna get to the part where i can speak bout em together and how they bring out bits of each others ya kno, the good kush….), Dari…

He’s pretty, i must say, and got the funniest hair to draw, and comes from the most opposite background to weiwei’s.

Darian Andriev PARVANOV, also 21, comes from the remote Bulgarian countryside, but i still love him (this makes it sound as if i wouldnt normally love someone from the bulgarian countryside. its not what i meant. by default ud remind me of my son so you’d start being liked if u came from the bulgarian countryside) Now for the first instance of “wow, the complementarity”. The first thing i thought making Dari was that he looked too cool, and that he obviously was a dumbass, and mostly that he was physically unable to shut up. (o fuck he’s me)

best picture i could find of him. He’s got the dilemma of “wow he looked so pretty n cool until he opened his mouth” 

He’s ALSO an art student (cause they were initially created for the purpose of filling the gap of “i have ocs in every field except the one i sorta know that’s so stupid”), painting major (def vibes differently than weiwei though, he’s doing those soft pretty landscapes n flowers, everything real pretty and peaceful, we got some impressionism nerd in here folks). 

He was/is a real country boy, farm family, he helped tend the fields, he worked in plantations for pocket money, he knows how to take care of cattle and chicken and goats and all the cool babies you can take care of, he can tell whether the soil is good or not, he can drive a tractor, and doesnt fear dirt.

but then also he’s kind of a neat freak, he hates getting paint on himself, so the duality of man, dirt ok but paint? disgostin. his spaces are real neat and spotless, he likes cleaning (its relaxing) and does it nearly too often.

his dumbassery comes from lack of common sense and impulsiveness, aside from that he’s actually what you’d call “mad smart”, dude had em good grades, he can memorise pages upon pages of the most trivial information, he has an accumulation of knowledge beyond limits, and is good at problem solving. so he can recite all the words of the F letter of the dictionnary, but would also put a curling iron in his mouth to see if it would curl his tongue. (side note, he does have a problem with heat n fire, most his “oopsie how i wound up hurting myself on acccident” story involve burning -that stove was just too tempting…)

while he doesnt feel very attached to his home country, he does feel strongly for his family. he’d do anything for his mum (and actually does everything to make her proud already, that’s his one main goal), and he’s ready to sacrifice a lot for her (as in, spend years working non-stop a really uncomfortable job so his mother wouldnt have to pay a cent of his expenses even though she said she could by doing some sacrifices herself,and then being ready to come back as soon as needed if anything happened, and potentially drop his career and dream n go back to the farm life to provide for mama)(also he still does hold onto some parts of his home country’s traditions, and does sometimes feel homesick but more in a ‘i left the most beautiful landscapes n the city feels cramped and claustrophobic and i dont know people and i dont feel in the right place cuz im a forreigner with a thicc accent who doesnt master the language of this place and straight up have different body language communicators due to cultural difference oh lord i wanna be home where a nod means no and a head shake is yes i keep misunderstanding everything”)

if you want background noise he’s the perfect pal to call over, he’s just so chatty, he got hours and hours of non stop speech ready for you. you can shut him up once you’re done listening with the offering of food. works everytime.

he’s definitly not shy. neither in terms of talking to people, nor when it comes to making decisions. he’s quite bold, and rarely hesitates to go towards something he wants. he’s direct in his approach to most everything.

he likes partying. mostly the socialising part, talkin to people is just fun ya feel. and being in the crowd, doing whatever, pressure free? ya can dance n enjoy yourself, and people wont notice? yeah that’s nice. but doesnt do it super often cause broke bitches aint got the party time n budget. 

he likes arm. (just an excuse for me to drop this thing here cuz i like it)

While he’s an overall bubbly looking character, with a cheery loud personnality, he does carry some youth trauma that has him more reticent to engage in happiness, he comes from what you could call “not the wokest background” and he may have fallen victim of it : he’s kind of a flashy noticeable character, both physically and in his personnality, and doesnt exactly matches the expectations of dudes in the area he comes from (delicate, emotional and sweet guy? that doesnt exist bro). He went through it, and it has definitly had some impact on his confidence in many aspects. But he’s 100% the type of guy to put on the fake happy front because if feeling bad is sad, making the people you care about sad for you too is Unacceptable Right??? relying on friends?? what???

But then what are we supposed to be doing with such charming characters huh,,, 

Make them fall in love obviously.

Their story obviously has to do with falling in love and workin a relationship cause if I dont write romance i literally die, but I make the center pivot of all of it communication, and barriers in communications. Most obvious being them coming from wildly different cultures, having different native languages, and also the ways you adapt to muteness (what i love most bout that part is even then they fucked up given the easiest quickest small body language things to communicate are head nods n then i managed to make one come from the one country that reverses those like iconic how do they even understand each other -through a lot of work and love bro) but also on more “introspective” points, how to say things that you are even afraid to think about, how to open up and share your burdens and trauma with someone, how to say words you’ve been convinced you weren’t allowed to, the inner turmoil of communication in short. And then also communication through art, and through alternative unusual ways. If i were snobbish i could call it something like “a thinkpieces on how humans overcome obstacles in communication, and adapt, all for the sake of pursuing love” but fact is its mostly boys being in love n learning how to speak, figuratively and also quite literally. And also its me having fun with making characters evolve from each other, be able to influence each other for the better, helping each other be more comfortable with themselves and express the true things of their personnality, and discover new aspects. I just wanna write intense and soulful love bro.

So in less concept and more facts, weiwei meets dari, dari being his puppy self just immediatly strikes a conversation and weiwei gets interested cause “oho nice pretty boy? very good. i want some of that”. they get closer because you cant fight off the Power of friendship (and also the power of “what your friend is bestie with my friend?? guess we hanging out”) and then friendship and interest turns into pining, held back by respective dread of what romance with the other would mean (as in “romance?? cant have that we cant feel” and “with him?? cant do that, convince yourself he’s just a friend immediatly what would the family think”) but eventually they do have to just crash into one another cause that’s just the gravitational pull bro, its physics bro. and from then on its all unlearning destructive behaviours, bettering oneself with the help of the other, and getting over trauma to finally live ur best life. and gettin fckin married bro they’re both cheeseballs theyll wanna wed

BUT MAKING EM FALL IN LOVE ONCE ISNT ENOUGH time to make 3894853 alternate universes about em.

Lets speak bout my fave of those for a hot second.

First of all, the one of the art that brought this ask, guess i could call it “Pretty Tribes” AU, bunch of tribes live and do their things, having nature and energy powers. Dari n Weiwei’s tribes are bros, the latter’s powers needing them to move around to get energy from different places, enabling them different abilities. So basically they get to hang at the other’s place while the regenerate energy from there, and in exchange they help them out with various tasks (dari’s tribe is a rly farmer oriented one, with plant magic, while weiwei’s got more poyvalent powers, and have very good healers notably, so it comes in handy). The two boys were born a few months apart in their respective tribes, so naturally, anything the two clans meet, they’re put together to play and all, and from that they became besties, and each time they meet, after the gaps of time separating the two groups, they feel more and more of a little something else~ story is themed round growing up, friendship between clans, their traditions and cultures, and pretty boys in pretty clothes in pretty landscapes interacting with nature.

The superpower AU, i fuckin love it bro. Its an old one, made for other characters, but i just love it so much that i had to inject my faves in it. Its got a grimy ugly setting, bad government, propaganda, and fights between super-people (heavily mediatised for entertainment and reinforcing the idea that “look at these evil villains thank god us the good government protects you from them”), with a side of bad ethics in science. In all that, those two have the role of “those two young enemy warrior and villain, they were so powerful and fought so hard”, public figures, legendary and admired by both sides, everyone followed their fights, til one day they presumably died in one of their showdowns. (haha sike they actually found themselves talking for 5 seconds and realised they lived in a society, n built a plan to run away). The main characters get to find they’re alive because one of em had history with super-warrior-golden-boy and go to seek their help to overthrow the Big Bads. (stealing them from their nice gay cottage hermit life smh so rude)

Mermaids. I like those. Sailor weiwei sees merman dari, they both save each other in different occasions, they grow fascinated with each other, they’re at sea, water romance. Amazing. AU made half cuz i just like water n fish. and shirtless sailors.

(i couldnt find art of it in five minutes so have a link to that lil animatic piece i made of it once)

Indie band AU, where i was listening to songs that vibe so well with those two in general n then my brain was like “what if they’re the ones playing”. They’re (along with the rest of the art squad) a nice little alternative rock band, doing their thing, then one of their songs blows up, and they get quite the attention, to the dismay of dari who wrote that song in a moment of “oh no im so in love with my bandmate but i cant tell him what if i ruin everything we have going on ill just have to love from afar and deal with that” and now has way too many people interested in who he wrote it about and theorising from his every move when performing it (a mix of music, secret crushes and social media) (ft a picture of neither of them but its the least ugly art i found of this AU cuz its old and instruments are the bane of my existence)(also kelana is so pretty i gotta flaunt her around)

in kind of the same vibe, as in we’re in a music world overexposed to social media, i also integrated em to an AU i did for fun, “boyband AU” as its called aka idol based band system cuz you kno, i got a hobby, lets apply it. Band boy Dari and bodyguard Weiwei got a thing going on, but can’t really act on it in any way, because they’d just destroy the whole band if it ever came public. Featuring annoying bandmates, catchy pop songs and people making fanaccounts of that one hot Mr.Bodyguard cause dang he hot.

(all the art of this one so ugly im sorry)

SPY AU, one of my fave brand. They spies, they get assigned on the same mission, they work real nice with each other. spies hot. fights. strategy. i just like the concept. Gays taking down the worst traffics imaginable??? I love that song.(i actually have so much on this cause s p i e s are fuckin great)

Fashion. U kNOW i have an AU for fashion. Supermodel and his private stylist, trying to maintain the line of professionalism. And failing to do so. Lets make out in unpractical designer clothes.

Have an highschool AU for a bunch of characters, injected them as “spinoff”, start chatting online being art buddies, fall in love without meeting (ft. all the iconics of internet friendship like knowing tiny details of their personnalities but not the fact that they have a sister or “waIT ur a GUY i thought u were a girl wow wild good news for my gay ass”)

n those are my faves as far as i remember, i got a fuckton of small other ones that arent fleshed out enough, or some that are more of a guilty pleasure universe, and some that are more like “projects that i can expend on as soon as i run out of daydream material” (like u kno those hospital drama shows with super innacurate medicine n shit like idk scrubs or whatever, yeh i want some of that but im keeping it for later)

[mrneighbourlove]

Serious Gal and Her Hot Night Out: Burnt Heart Spin off.

Grievous had stayed in the kingdom of Hyrule for a month now since her initial arrival. To be honest, she was feeling paradise here. No more drills, no more academic military studies, and no more being stuck on a hot island. Currently, she was learning how to paint her nails with her older half-sibling.  

"I believe you're getting pretty good there," Urboro inspected Grievous' handiwork as she painted her own nails. Even though she was a Zemlja, she had the hotheaded nature of a Vatra. After a long day out on the fields, Urboro was ready for the nightly entertainment. "Next, I'll show you how to do some sexy eyeliner."

“Ok. If you think it’ll make me pretty.” Grievous was anxious, a brand-new way of life ahead of her.

"You're already pretty, this will make you hot." Urboro instructed. "Okay, now close your eyes and don't move. It will feel wet at first, that's normal. Then it will dry."

Grievous did as she was told, her tail wagging from the sensation. “You told me that there were young men with six packs in town? I researched there a lot of farmers in Hyrule.”

"Yes, there are, but I suppose it depends on your preference." Urboro carefully applied the liquid black eyeliner to accent Urboro's eyes. "If you like men, if you like women, or both. Personally, I like my men like I like my rocks. Hard." She snickered at the implication. "Though I think you will like Muso when you meet him. He's a gentle giant of sorts and very talented with his work in the forge. He helped Aunt Zarazu's friend, Asakonigei, in the forge when she had a lot of orders. He's no Kovina, but still knows how to..." She purred. "Pound and pound and pound..."

Grievous wasn’t at all feeling second hand embarrassment due to Urboro fantasizing sex. In fact, the Dal had been thinking about the possibilities for herself. “Is Muso your boyfriend?”

"Yes, we've been dating for two years." Urboro told Grievous. "It was sort of an accident, how we met. Some pervert in the bar slapped my ass, and I turned around to punch said pervert. Well, I thought the pervert was Muso. I was wrong. It was one of his buddy. Muso then knocked out his asshole of a friend, and apologized to me. Needless to say, I was mortified for punching the wrong man and offered to buy him a drink."

“That’s a nice story. I’d have broken their arms.” Grievous laughed at the thought. “I imagine this ‘pounding’ is nice. You said I’d be exotic to these men?”

"Yes, because you're new. Someone they're never seen before." Urboro then held up a mirror. "All done! You can open your eyes now."

Grievous did so, and she let out an audible gasp. Her new make up looked wonderful with her wild, exotic hair. Happy, her tail wagged back and forth. “I look so different!”

"Heh, not too different." Urboro then took a seat behind Grievous to do her hair. "Listen, you don't have to wear makeup unless you want to. A lot of people say that women wear makeup to impress men. I say bullshit. Wear it for yourself just to feel awesome if you want." She started combing through Grievous' hair. "I'll teach you how to do eyeliner next. Though for now, how do you want your hair? Up? Down? Braids? ... pigtails?"

“My hair? Isn’t it pretty as it is? It goes naturally down does it not?” Grievous was confused, and it showed. “It’s a little thick and spiky to be braided, no?”

"Totally pretty as is, but it's fun to try something different here and there." Urboro used her own hair as an example. "I don't have dreads like my mother, I inherited my father's jet black, straight hair. If I left it down all the time, it'd get boring. So, I put it in braids, or sometimes a tail, or curl it sometimes. You get my point, right?"

"I suppose." Grievous ran her hands through her hair. It was thick, lush, and, most importantly, smooth after a shower. "But if I'm really exotic, shouldn't I keep it the way it is at least the first night? Besides, I believe you mentioned something about men being driven wild by brushing hair with their fingers?"

"True... though a little mousse wouldn't hurt to help show it off. Give it a little more volume." Urboro ran her hands through Grivy's hair. "Now all that is left is T&A and you're good to go."

"T&A?"

"Tits and ass." Urboro finished Grivy's hair and then proceeded to look through her closet. "Hrm... I've got a bigger bust than you, but I think this will do. It's a little small on me, but probably would be perfect on you." She handed Grivy a deep, silky, v-cut crop top and then a pair of tight leather pants. "But we both got a booty. So this outfit should work for you."

"Oh. Thanks." Grievous did her best not to overly smile and let Urboro be let on she was incredibly flattered. No one had really seen her physicality as beautiful or gave it any thought until she came to Hyrule. She loved every bit of care she was being given by her sister and excited for others to see her the same way. "I just have to make one little adjustment." Bringing her finger to the back of the leather pants, she burned a perfect hole in the back. Taking her clothing off, she slipped on only the new clothes as replacements. The crop top went on smoothly, but the pants were a tight fit. From the hole she burned, her tail sprouted outwards. She gave her ass a pat, rubbing the leather. "That's a nice fabric."

"Hey! What are.... oh. I forgot about your tail." Urboro rubbed her chin. "We'll have to make some alterations to the clothes around here, but that would be an easy fix." She then looked at Grivy's backside and thought for a moment. "Hrm... missing something... wait! I got it!" She dove back into her closet and then pulled out a belt, full of jingling accessories. "Here we go... something to announce your arrival and to draw even more attention to your butt. Just clip it on the sides."

"Oh. If you think it will make an appearance." Without looking at her, Grievous used her tail to grab the belt as she was busy with her hands ruffling her hair with a brush in all the right spots she wanted it to be.

"Now, just a few tips," Urboro told Grivy. "There are going to be some guys who want to buy you a drink, or offer to show you a good time, or even ask you to dance. If you like them, then you can say yes. If not, there's nothing wrong with saying no. If you say no and a man doesn't understand that, then that's when you kick him in the crotch and say 'no' really firm, one more time. Give him a hint." She then added, "Or like my Muso, he'll be charming and walk you home, ask to see you again, and then go from there. I lucked out with him."

"Alright. If they try to hurt me, can I burn them or snap their bones?" Grievous buckled the belt, making a twirl to Urboro.

"I would... go with a typical sucker punch." Urboro thought about the inquiry for a moment. "Only really hurt them if it's a life or death situation. I usually just let the ground swallow them up to their neck and leave them that way until they apologize for being a dick."

"Could threaten to have Sylvain to sick em.” Grievous’ energy to get out and explore new aspects of life was rocking her body up and down, even if she kept a rather calm voice. “Let's go! I'm excited to go. I want to met this man of yours."

"Let's just stick to the sucker punch." Urboro assured Grivy. "And one more thing; never ever leave your drink alone. Don't want to get drugged. We'll look after each other, all right?"

"Ok. No looking away from drinks."

There were several bars in the kingdom, but Urboro's favorite was called the Tickle My Citrus. It was a horrible pun about a clitoris, but it did have the best lime margaritas on this side of town. Once inside the building, Urboro ordered herself and Grievous a drink and sat at a small table.

At the table, Grievous took a sip of her drink, squinting a little at the taste. "You know, I'm not a complete stranger to liquor. The Dal grow a selection of wine vines, using the berries for multiple flavours. This is far more bitter than that though."

Her tail was playfully whipping around, making wavy motions with every swallow.

"Tequila is my go-to alcohol. I like the bitter, but if you don't like this one, I could get you a sweet flavored margarita. Let's see," Urboro opened the menu. "They have strawberry, mango, and peach flavors besides lime. Or I could request a mixture of---"

"Ladies..." One of the more forward Hylian guards approached the table. He was halfway to tipsy already. "Which one of you ladies would like to accompany me back to my home tonight?"

Grievous studied him, her eyes examining his movements. He moved like a fish trying to swim on land. As excited as she was for adventure, she knew she could do better. "She's taken. And I'm not looking yet."

"But sweetcheeks, I could show you a really good time..." The guard grinned at her. "Why don't you both come home with me? You and that big ass." With that, he reached out to pinch her backside, but before he could, Urboro had punched him straight in the nose, knocking him backwards.

Shaking her hand, she then scoffed, "You asshole! I just did my nails and you made me break one!" She then called to the bouncer, "Yisi, will you please drag his ass out of here?"

"Sure thing, Ur."

Grievous' tail froze upwards, her eyes narrowing at the man. "I could have done that."

"You can next time, ugh, now I'm going to have to do my nails again." Urboro grumbled, "But that's how you do it. I didn't kill him, but he certainly got the hint. Now, the other guys in here will take you more seriously instead of judging that you're a piece of meat."

"But didn't that mean they only take you seriously? I didn't do anything? You protected me instead of letting me defend myself." Her tail drooped with her thoughts. Once more, Grievous' place on the pecking order with her siblings placed her lower.

"No one messes with my sisters or my brothers. We protect each other. That's how it's done." Urboro explained to Grivy. "If someone tried to touch my ass and I didn't see it, you'd sock him right?"

"Yes. But I saw him coming. Shouldn't I be justified first before breaking him apart?"

"... you want me to go get him and let him try again?" Urboro asked dryly. "I won't apologize for reacting to protect my baby sis."

"No. I'm sorry. Part of me is still seeing this as a competition of you one upping me and not being genuinely caring." Grievous took another swig of her drink. "I'll try not to see it that way anymore."

"Remember, sis, there's no competition here. If you really want a match, you can always sign up for some sparring sessions." Urboro patted her on the shoulder. "Don't think of it of me trying to one up you, just think of it as me trying to look out for you cause you'd do the same for me. We good?"

"Yeah." Grievous finish her beer bottle. Although it was a good first drink, the more she thought about someone trying to make the moves on her, the more her blood boiled. A few people watching the sisters saw Grievous pick up the beer bottle with her tail. With excellent precision, she threw the bottle across the bar, smashing the glass into the guard’s head, knocking him onto his knees just as he was thrown out. Hearing years of practice pay off, she smiled sinisterly. "I'm more than good. Let’s have this fruity drink you were speaking of."

"Hrm... you'd be great at the dart competitions here." Urboro remarked with a snicker. "If you win, you get free drinks for the night. Matter of fact," She looked at the time. "If you hurry, you can sign up for the first game."

"Darts?"

~

Three drinks in. Urboro must have been amazed, because Grievous finally lost almost all tension in her body. Her shoulders were relaxed, she didn't scowl or have resting bitch face, and she was even laughing. The Dal wasn't swaying back and forth or going to far as of yet, but a change was noticeable. Currently, she was kicking her sister's, and anyone bold enough to face her, ass at darts. Throwing three darts, one in each hand and one with her tail, she yelled with victory as she sunk a bullseye first and the two others to get her exact numbers, "Game two! I win again!"

Each time Grievous scored, the men had made a game to take a drink. There was cheering when the darts hit the scoreboard and the downing of shots. Everyone was having a grand time. The patrons in the bar was getting tipsy, but not yet close to drunk.

"Damn, you're good a darts." Urboro admitted defeat. "All right, sis, you've beat me, best two out of three. How about we order some food now? They got great fish and chips---"

"Sugarpie!" Muso made his way through the crowd with a huge basket of fish and chips for his girlfriend. "I thought I heard my woman say she was hungry."

"Hungry for you." Urboro literally latched onto Muso, her hands on his shoulders and legs around his torso. "Where have you been? I wanted to introduce you to Grivy."

"Sorry, sugar, they kept me late at the forge, but I got here as soon as I could, and to make up for it," Muso whispered in her ear. "I'll do that thing with my tongue you like tonight."

"Oh hi!" Grievous smiled, collecting rupees from men she made bets with. She was confident enough to make flirty wagers with her skills for money. Finally meeting Muso, her tail wagged back and forth. "Ah, you must be Muso. Urboro spoke a great deal about you."

"So you're little Grivy," Muso gently set Urboro back on her feet and pulled a chair up to the table. Taking one of the chips to munch on, he then said, "It's nice to finally meet you. Odd family dynamic you got going on there, but no judgement from me, I got two half-brothers and a half-sister due to mom having three different husbands. Divorced my dad, her second husband died, and her third husband is still living."

"Babe, didn't you say you were going to bring Stigr here too?"

"Oh, he's here, he's just ordering a round of drinks for everyone." Muso pointed out his friend by the bar. "Tall guy with white streaks in his hair? That's him."

Grievous wasn't listening to much, digging into the fish and chips set in front of her. "I have hundreds of half-siblings, but a number is number I guess. It's about who you form bonds with."

"I think you'll like Stigr though, Grivy." Urboro pulled the food away from her sister long enough to get her attention. "He's from Uskar and a warrior just like you."

"Oh yeah, he's a great sparring partner." Muso told the Dal. "Matter of fact, he's got this really unique style. He likes to use the trees to do his scouting."

"Uskar? The Empire taught us about them in great detail. Where is he?" Grievous looked around, and the moment she did, she came face to face with who she was looking for.

"I didn't know if the ladies wanted another round of margaritas or a beer so I got both." Stigr set the tray of drinks down on the table and then looked at Grievous with a wide grin. "So you're the new addition to the family that Urboro was telling me about at work." He was not as large as Muso, but he was still a burly man and had heterochromia; one blue eye and one brown. "I noticed you were kicking ass at darts. Where did you get so good?" And oddities upon oddities... he had a long, white tail.

Grievous was looking down at his long appendage, fascinated by it. Her own brown tail wagged herself, catching Stigr's gaze. "Wow, I didn't know you were like me."

"...? Like you?" Stigr looked confused. "I'm not Dal. I'm Uskarian."

"I think she means the tail, dude." Muso gestured to the friend's extra appendage.

"Oh! Oh yeah, I got a tail too. Lots of Uskarians do." Stigr took a sip of his drink. "Wolves, leopards, and even snow monkeys like me.”

Grievous watched as he sat down, taking an offered margarita. An audible 'ooo' left her as she took a taste. "It's so sweet."

"That's the peach flavor." Stigr shrugged. "Figured you'd like the more fruity flavors than the citrus, no offense, Ur."

"Citrus is not the only thing that tastes a little... bitter." Urboro winked at Muso who promptly turned red in the face.

"You have no filter."

"And you love me for it."

Grievous looked at Stigr with intrigued interest. "It's really nice to meet you Stigr. I'm Grievous. People seem to be calling me Grivy for short. You live in Hyrule for long?"

"Grievous is badass, but Grivy... I like that, it's cute. Both badass and cute." Stigr laughed. "I've been here for about five years now. I came to actually study the plants. I scout back in Uskar, but here, I study herbs that can be used for medicine so when I go back to Uskar one day, I can help plant the fields and grow them. So far, I've taken three trips with new plants."

"Everyone usually has a dual job in Uskar," Muso told Grivy. "Scout, farmer, blacksmith, fishermen, take your pick. Everyone has to learn a trade, but also how to survive."

"I was trained by the Kikai Empire to be a solider. Not good with melee weaponry, but I excelled in my studies of martial arts, ranged weaponry and tactics. They wanted me to become a General for a new generation. But I liked my freedom too much to be tied down. That's the badass part of me." For the briefest of moments, she looked at Stigr with the light glow of a beautiful fairy with the smile she flashed him. "You think I'm cute though?"

"Well, you got to do something that makes you happy, otherwise, you're going to be miserable. That's no way to go through life." Stigr then laughed and asked, "Is that a trick question? Of course you're cute."

"Flirt alert." Urboro coughed under her breath.

"Oh, shut up."

Under the table, he felt his tail be stroked by hers. It was hard to tell by her face if she did it on purpose. "You know, I'm going to be staying in Hyrule more permanently, so I'm not leaving any time soon."

"Should we get you two a room?" Muso asked his friend.

"Well, she's currently sharing my elder sister's bedroom, so yes, they should get a room," Urboro hinted to Grivy. "Because if she brought him back, Dad would blow a fuse. Literally. You should have seen him when I brought Muso home."

"That bad?" Stigr asked with a snicker.

"Let's just say I was worried my ass was going to have third degree burns."

"Let's leave the two flirty-birdies to themselves for a bit." Urboro leaned over to whisper to Grivy. "He's a good one, don't worry. And I slipped a condom in your back pocket, for the love of the spirits, use it cause you don't need a mini-monkey right now."

The hell was a condom? Grievous didn't give it much thought. The Dal waved goodbye to her sister. "You two have fun."

Now more alone with Stigr, she leaned a little more over the table. "I don't have experience with this sort of thing, but I like to follow my instincts. What do you want to do now? This is a real sweet drink by the way."

"Experience with darts and drinking or with flirting?" Stigr inquired, using his tail to brush up and down Grivy's own. "Look, I usually don't do the whole bar and one-night stand thing, but a good time I'd never turn down as long as you're up to continuing a relationship. My mother will give me hell if I don't settle down at some point. Want to get out of here and walk and talk?"

"Flirting. And yes. I think a walk is a good start." As they got up, she took his hand. He was nice and sturdy to lean against. What felt far nicer was when she wrapped his tail around his. God, her tail rubbing against his thicker fur was incredible to her nerves. "You got a lot of family back home?"

"... three, incredibly annoying, baby sisters." Stigr nearly purred when her tail ran over his. It had been a long while since he had a female in his bed. Though, he was attempting to be a gentleman. Only if she showed interest, then he'd go forth with it. And thus far, she was showing quite a bit of interest... in his tail. His weak spot. He led her along the path, leading by the beautiful flowers illuminated by moonlight. "My parents actually talked about never having kids but look what happened. Ironic, isn't it?"

“You want irony? Thanks to my father, I’m one of over six-hundred half children of his. Urboro and my half siblings on her side are new additions to me I only discovered last month when my curiosity led me to track down the old man. Before you ask, it’s very complicated, but I don’t think when he met Zizi he planned on having so many kids too.” Grievous did indeed notice the flowers. The tail rubbing started to get her heated, but she kept it to herself rather well. She certainly picked up his purring though.

"By Rotar, I'd hate to be at that family reunion. Could you imagine trying to know all the names?" Stigr jested in good humor. "Though, from what Ur says, you're happier here. You're even trying to learn a trade, and helping out on the plantations when you can." He decided to test the waters, per se, and ran his hand down her back, settling at the base of her tail. "And that you're good with your... hands..."

Grievous paused, her trademark serious coming through. If they wanted to continue, she had to know how willing he’d be to commitment. “Are you willing to be committed to be in a serious relationship?”

"...? Yes?" Stigr thought she was trying to once again, ask him a trick question. "I don't know much about Dal culture to be honest. Though in Uskarian culture, there is a time of courtship, the presentation of a ceremonial cloak, and then eventually marriage. Although, Vidar and Princess Kanisa sort of did things... well, backwards."

“You take me too seriously. My fault I suppose. To be simpler, you looking for a girlfriend you’d treat fairly?”

"Heh, nothing wrong with being serious. Be serious, get a serious answer." Stigr replied with a bit of cheek to his tone, grinning from ear to ear. "Treat fairly, with respect, seen as equals... except just one thing."

“What would that be?” Grievous pulled herself closer.

"I get to do the ass slapping." With a hard smack, Stigr gave Grivy's backside a smack and then hopped into the nearest tree with a smirk. With snow monkeys, this was a game of tag. Yet, it was definitely used to spice up the mood. Not only tag, but a game of prey and predator. "Catch me if you can, Grivy." Then he bounded through the trees.

Grievous was so ready to pounce him on the spot had he not bounded off. Now, being offered a challenge, she suddenly became less horny and more competitive. Did dates in Hyrule or Uskar turn into hunts? So be it. She’d catch him no matter what. “You’re mine.”

She sprinted up the tree best she could. These tight clothes made her ass shine like a beacon in the night as she limberly chased after him. Her own tail helped her grip branches as she sought him, leaping from tree to tree under the moonlight. Working up a bit of sweat, she gave it all to catch him with one last pounce. “Got ya!”

When Grivy pounced on him, Stigr turned to catch her. Rookie mistake, he anticipated that. He grabbed her by the hips, spun her around, and pinned her against the tree with a loud purr, flicking his tail.

"Now who has who?"

With her arms pinned, a flash of attraction flashed in her eyes. Using her tail, she pulled him close, and leaned up to kiss him with a deep purr. “I got you.”

"Sneaky one, aren't you?" Stigr chuckled and then returned the kiss with enthusiasm. He then started a trail of kisses down her throat, before nibbling over her jugular vein. His tail ran curled between her legs, rubbing against her womanhood.

With no panties, and the tight silk pants offering little room between her womanhood and tail, Grievous started to pant. Her tail whipped around erotically, anticipating more. “Do Direnor or people of Hyrule tend to go to those lengths outside? I’m not saying to stop, but...”

"Hylians? Nah. Direnors? We fuck outside when mating season roles around or even for fun." Stigr told Grivy with a low growl, smelling her arousal. "Even got a Pleasure House where you can choose your partner or partners for the night."

“Oh. Good. Us Dal love to make love be it in the trees, by the beach, or mountain top.” Her hands grasped his shoulders, her tail pulling his own. “Do you want to fuck me? I’m ok with it Stigr.”

"I'd like to... but only if you're sure." Stigr reminded Grivy. "Direnors can be... a little rough. Don't want to spook you or scare you off."

“I don’t see anything to be scared of.” She leaned up to kiss him again. Be confident, just like Urboro said. That saying no at anytime was allowed. “I’d like to too.”

"Then how would you like to begin?" Stigr asked Grivy as he ran his hands down her sides. "You're beautiful, you got a sexy body, and seems like you got a sweet personality... even if you did brutally beat those guys in darts without a sense of remorse. That was hot."

“I also threw a beer bottle without looking from across the room at some sleezeballs head with my tail.” Her hand went to his bulge, grasping it with a firm grip. Was big. Urboro said it might be. “How’s that for a start?”

"Would be impressive if next time you just caught his ass on fire with a wink." Stigr jolted when she grabbed his crotch, but her touch was not unwelcome. "I guess you know how excited you make me. It's not everyday that you see a female that's so sure of herself. And that's why," His fingers slipped into her tight leather pants, pulling them down to her ankles. "I think you need a bit of a... skilled touch to please." Nudging her legs apart, he had her standing, leaning against the tree, while he proceeded to lap at her folds.

Grievous raised her hands above her head, trembling as Stigr started to lick at her bright pinkness. She felt so loved. This was attention she never dared to dream was possible. “Oh, oh wow.”

She approved of his oral technique. So, Stigr decided to take it a step further. While his tongue was occupied with her folds, his tail teasingly rubbed over her clit. His fingers then gently teased her opening, inserting one, then another, doing a scissor-like motion inside of her.

Grievous in turn gripped his skull, tightly holding on for support. Her body was so hot, that she felt bolts of pleasure rush to her head. “Oh Stigr. That’s amazing~”

The small bit of pressure to his skull only turned his on further. Stigr did not mind a bit of roughness. Though, would she like it? Just to test the waters, he gave a hard slap on her ass, at the same time he flicked her clit.

“Oh GOD!” She crushed a little harder, her hips bulking towards him to stuff him further.

"Hrmmm, I'll take that as a compliment," Stigr said cheekily as he gave a long, slow, teasing lick to her clit, just to see her shiver. "But I'm no deity.

The girl took a few moments to breath and calm her nerves. Was hard when her stomach felt so tight from pleasure. “What next? Do I pleasure you?”

"I honestly don't think I'd last overly long if you did." Stigr chuckled, being honest. "I was already turned on while watching you do your thing."

“I want to try.” Grievous got on her knees, kissing down his chest per instruction from her sister. Grabbing his pants and underwear, she pulled them both down. Her eyes were suddenly glued by his appendage.

The longer Grievous stared, the more Stigr wondered if something was wrong. She was looking at his erection like it was something... new. Wait a minute...

"... Grivy, you have seen one of these before, right?"

“Yes. I just... never this close to me.” Her hands steadily grasped his erection. Without giving into any more hesitation, her lips clomped down around his tip. It was a little salty, but she started to lick and suckle it. Show no fear in the face of the unknown her instructors echoed in her mind. They probably didn’t plan for her to use their advice for this scenario though.

"Wait, are you a---fuuuuccck..." Stigr took a sharp inhale when Grievous was suddenly so eager to please, but he had to know. "Wait, wait, wait, fuck, that feels great, but there is a concern," He gently pushed her shoulders back. "You haven't had sex before, have you?"

“No. You’re my first.”

"That's what I thought... not that it's a problem!" Stigr quickly said. "Everyone always has a first, I just... well... I don't want to cause you anymore discomfort than necessary. Maybe you should let me make you cum first a couple of times. Get you more relaxed."

“I thought that’s what I was doing.” Grievous leaned in again. This time, when she sucked him off again, not only did she dare to go deeper with him down her throat, she pulled and massaged his tail with a sneaky hand. Her lips sucked down tightly over the pull of his dick.

"SHIT!" Stigr was not expecting the sudden grope of his tail, the pleasure going straight up his spine and to his head. He climaxed suddenly, shaking from head to toe. "Sorry, I... good Rotar, you have a tongue, but my tail is sensitive. I should have warned you."

Grievous wasn’t quick enough, or really knowing what to expect. She chocked a little as he pulled out, her face becoming drenched in cum. Swallowing what she could, the Waku gave him a smile as she stood up. “It’s ok. Little startling, but I’m fine.”

Carefully, she took off her top, leaving her pants hanging far down low so she could stretch her legs. The spring night of Hyrule was warm, but even if it wasn’t her naturally hot body kept her warm. Turning, she leaned against the tree, sticking her thick ass at him. With a turn of her head, she still had some cum on her face she was licking and swallowing. Her instincts told her this would drive him wild. The art of the tease could undermine your opponent to falling right into one’s hands. “It’s ok to be sensitive. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

"Nope... not at all..."

Her licking the cum was hot. Her suddenly undressing was like a strip tease. But the presenting of her ass? Now, that he was not expecting. Stigr felt his member twitch back to life again, just seeing her round, supple backside, waving at him. A primal sort of need started stirring within him. His animalistic side was starting to show a bit, more fur sprouting on his body in places. Though, he did want to savor this moment, just for a little bit.

Stigr ran his hands over her ass, cupping the thick cheeks there. He loved how aroused she smelled, loved the scent of his cum on her, and loved how forward she was being. A female who definitely knew what she wanted and how to get it... that, he adored.

Purring, Stigr placed kisses along her spine before giving her backside a little nip. Then, he lined up his cock between her legs, rubbing his length back and forth across her folds. Teasing.

Grievous growled, her hands clawing the tree for support. Her tail couldn’t stop whipping around, every once in a while, hitting his chest lightly as a signal to stop messing around.

"Impatient, are we?" Stigr wrapped his tail around hers. While he was eager, and so was she, it was best to take things slow the first time. Lining up his member with her entrance, Stigr pushed inside, reveling how hot she was, how her inner walls were gripping him. To distract her from any pain, he made sure one hand cupped her breast while the other was busy with her clit.

“Oh, oh, oh, oh goodness.” Grievous gripped the tree with her arms, holding on tightly as Stigr broke her virginity. Everything felt tight, like her body was breaking open. When he tugged at her tail, her walls only closed tighter. “I’m sensitive at my tail.”

"Good." Stigr whispered huskily into her ear, giving a hard thrust inside and at the same time, giving her backside another harsh slap. His tail rubbed against hers, curling. He recalled how she reacted when he gave her a spanking. Maybe there was a fetish there to explore later. Though, for now, Stigr wanted Grivy to feel something new... something blissful with this experience. He kept a steady pace, trying to listen to her body for what she liked.

Grievous was panting badly every time her tail was tugged or her ass was slapped. Soon enough into the experience, her body was molded around the shape of his dick, and she started to push back into him. “M-more. It feels like nothing I’ve felt before.”

"I'll make you feel even better." Stigr could sense her was getting close by the way she was trembling. Her body was not used to the sensations. While Grivy was panting hard, she was enjoying the stimulation. He could feel her pressing back into him, even demanding more. In sync with his thrusts, Grivy used one finger to flick her clit, sending a jolt throughout her body. "Don't hold back... just let go."

Grievous screamed loudly, a primal sense of freedom roaring, demanding to be let out. Her inexperienced body gave into Stigr’s command, and clamping hard with her pussy, she had her first orgasm. “Stigr! Yes! Oh god!” Her tail wrapped around his arm, tightening to find a sense of grounded reality.

Gripping her hips tightly, Stigr gave one thrust, then two, and climaxed, hard. His tail curled around her leg. He was breathing hard, having to hold onto Grivy's hips to make sure he did not crumple. This woman was definitely something else.

"You are divine..."

Grievous moaned loudly as he climaxed in her. As cum pumped into her, her hands made burns on the tree she held, black charcoal signifying her loss of virginity. “Stigr... you... that was amazing. Are all dates this amazing?”

"All dates can be this amazing." Stigr gave her a playful nip on the ear. Carefully, he removed his cock and fixed his pants. Then he helped Grivy with her pants and her top. "Heh, and I'd like to think I'm amazing, but you're probably just going to inflate my ego more. You're the one that wowed me."

“Does this mean you want to be my boyfriend?” Grievous blushed at the feeling of his cum staining her sisters clothing. Surely Urboro wouldn’t mind.

"Only if you want me to be. I mean... it's hard to find someone who is willing to date me." Stigr admitted to Grivy honestly. "I had to go back and forth a lot for my job. Sometimes for a month or two at a time. It's not ideal, I know, but I understand if you say no."

“That wasn’t what I asked you.” Grievous suddenly had a very commanding tone. “I like you. I feel a connection, and not just because you were a good fuck. I asked you a question I want you to answer. Do you want to be my boyfriend? Because I want to be your girlfriend. Unless you think that a one night stand was all you can handle.” Her tail smacked the tree, breaking a splinter off.

"... demanding, are you? How's this for an answer?" Stigr quirked an eyebrow at Grievous, tilting her chin up to look at him. "I would like to be your boyfriend as you put it. You're an interesting female, Grivy, just like your sister said. I'm glad she had the ideal to set us up."

“I’m glad to have met you.” Grievous wrapped her arms around him, giving him a warm hug. “Can I stay at your place tonight?”

"I... don't have a place of my own yet." Stigr admitted with a frustrated groan, "I'm bunking with Muso and a few of his friends. We wouldn't be alone." He tried to think of what Urboro said about her family. "Wait... does your mom---I mean, your stepmom still have that treehouse?"

“Yes. We can stay there. I’ll keep you warm.”

~

The next morning, Grievous woke up laying on top of Stigr. She lulled him to sleep with one more session of sex. This time, she did something he referred to as ‘cowgirl’ position. Was very fun, if a little physically demanding. When he started to stir, Grievous moved her thick hair out of her face. Her bed hair was wicked crazy. “Morning there.”

"Hmm, hmm..." Stigr was not a morning person and groggily looked at his surroundings. "... either I'm still dreaming or I got a hot babe on top of me."

“It’s the latter.” She kissed his forehead, letting him get one last look at her bare body before bending over to get changed. “I have to go back home, but you’ll come by my house soon for another date? I’ll play darts with you.”

"Sure, I promised Muso I'd help him with some new orders today, but... oh fuck." Stigr then realized it was indeed morning and jumped to his feet, fixing his pants and hopping around. "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, he's going to kick my ass, I promised I'd be there." He nearly tripped over his own tail trying to hurry. "I had the best time, you're great, the sex was great, I swear to Rotar I'll come by tonight and take you out for this new dish called Piz-Zah, you're amazing, I got to go!" He gave her a kiss on the cheek before hopping out of the treehouse, calling after her. "See you later, Grivy!"

Grievous smiled softly, waving him goodbye. A hand to her cheek, she sighed dreamingly. The Dal didn’t want this floaty feeling in her chest to go away. Making sure she was cleaned up, Grievous went back to her residence. Soon enough after having shower, getting changed, and cooking herself toast, Urboro came through the door. All Grievous had to do was give her a mischievous grin.

Urboro stopped. She stared. She sniffed. Then she gasped with a high squeal of delight.

"You... got... laid!!!!" She did a little happy dance in place. "Hell yeah! My matchmaking worked!" She then pulled Grivy over to the dining table. "You got to tell me all the details, was he good? Did he treat you nicely?"

“He did. He treated me so well.” Grievous set her dish down, ready to get into all the details. “First, we went on a romantic walk together. Afterwards, he swatted my ass and we chased each other through the trees until he caught me as I lunged at him. With that he pinned me against a tree and we kissed deeply. Afterwards, I went with my feelings and made all the motions like you said I should to get him riled up. Along with some of my own moves. After that...” Grievous paused, giddy at the memory. These girly emotions were so new to her. “He went low and licked me deeply. Then I went down on him orally in return!”

"Damn, you move fast." Urboro's eyes were literally sparkling as Grivy relayed the intimate details. "I'm glad Stigr was good to you and it seemed like you got a good dose of pleasure. Though, the most important question remains!" She took a sharp inhale and then blurted out. "Did he have a big dick?"

“He had a dick this big.” Grievous stretched her hands from one another to emphasize size. “I got him to blow his sticky load into my mouth by pulling his tail. Seems we’re both sensitive with them. Afterwards, I turned my ass for him, and holding onto a tree, he fucked me. He fucked me so hard.”

"I caught him staring at your ass, I'm surprised he didn't try to mark his territory by leaving a bite mark on it." Urboro giggled and then added, "And are you going to see him again? Not too bad for your sister setting you up with one of her man's friends, hrm?"

“Oh yes. I got him to become my boyfriend. Oh Urboro, it was so magical. Thank you so much for your part. The feeling of him pounding into me, his sticky load filling me up, his kisses and bites on my back.” Grievous took the condom out of her pocket, handing it back. “Your good luck charm worked it’s magic. After making love at outside, we went another at the tree house and slept together. I never felt so alive and happy being so close with another.”

"....?!?!" Urboro looked at the 'good luck charm' and then seemed a little pale in the face. Wait, she should not rush to assumptions. Maybe Stigr used one. Or maybe he smelled that she was not in heat, couldn't get pregnant. She knew Direnors could do that. "Uh... why didn't you use this?"

“Use what?” Grievous looked at her older sister with growing curiosity. “You look like you just threw up. Did the alcohol get to you last night?”

"This is to... like go over the dick. To prevent uh... pregnancy." Urboro felt her mouth go a little dry. "Didn't your people use these?"

Once more, Grievous shook her head. She’d never seen that rubber object before. “No. Everyone knows that you can only get pregnant with an injection. It was how I was born.”

"... you can get pregnant by sex too." Urboro swallowed. Hard. "Grivy, forgive this stupid question, but you do know that sex is for reproducing right?"

Grievous blinked. Hard. Grabbing some water, she sat in stunned silence as she took a drink. “This means that I... oh no.”

"Let's not jump to conclusions!" Urboro said quickly, trying to reassure her sister. "Stigr probably wouldn't have had sex with you if he could smell that you were in heat. I mean, Direnors have very sensitive noises that way. And just for good measure, take this," She went over to her bag and pulled out a small bag of leaves. "Eat this. It prevents pregnancy. I take it everyday. Never know when the urge for a good dicking will hit you."

“He promised to come by again tonight.” Grievous quickly devoured a leaf as fast as was allowed.

"Okay, well, until then, let's just go over some basic sex education that I had no idea that you lacked." Urboro flopped down on her chair and groaned. "Sorry, Grivy, I'm such an idiot. I thought you knew since you knew what sex was. I shouldn't have assumed like that."

“It was still a fun night regardless.”

"Well... I guess as long as you're happy, that's what is most important." Urboro gave Grivy a small smile. "Just wait until you see his other form. He's white as snow with a little brown stripe down his back, and brown on his belly."

“Other form? Does it make for a better lover?”

"That I don't know. But his other form is a giant monkey. He's so poofy." Urboro snickered. "Looks like a Munja had a field day with his fur."

“Poofy like me?” Grievous pointed at her hair. “I’d like to see that. Hey Urboro?”

"Heh, maybe if you ask nicely enough, he'll do so." Urboro looked up at Grivy. "Yeah, sis?"

“I don’t think I’d have any luck on my own without you. Never imagined I was pretty enough to find a companion. Thank you for being a spectacular sister.”

"You had all the right pieces, Grivy, you just needed someone to help you put them together." Urboro grinned. "And anything for family."

[didsomeonesayventus]

story beats/ideas for Dissidia fic I’ll probably never write lol:

Much larger cast (official roster between all three releases and then some) to hopefully encompass a good representation for all the games so it’s more 3-5 characters from a game instead of like 2 but that also means maybe some weird placements in Team Chaos

First Cycle cuz we saw cycle 12 and 13 but I think first would be interesting because literally everyone is confused and not sure what’s going on and Chaos/Cosmos are (shrug emoji)

more a battle to set things up for the battles to come so there’s a lot of “look this will determine if we’ll keep you to fight the good fight” to explain massive cast

tho since everyone is shrug emoji and this is the establishing battle it’s largely not even an actual war-type thing these two “armies” are being parsed out to approach Summons to be used and more an arms race to who can catch ‘em all and enlist these magical nigh-divine beings as aid

basically everyone breaks out into parties on both sides and each one goes out to a different summon for magical diplomacy and also fighting

which turns this into a more war-like setting because hey man if they can’t get the summons becuz they’re dead then they can’t win because we’ll be wiping the floor with their innards >:3c

tho literally everyone is amnesiac this time around so no one knows what the hell is going on besides the occasional memory jolt and their names

banter! plot references! bizarrely accurate chemistry between characters who would otherwise never meet! man don’t you just love thinking about this instead of researching like 30+ characters to get their personalities right :))))))))))))

(in other words the following will largely be characters I actually understand SO FORGIVE ME FOR NOT INCLUDING UR FAVE ALRIGHT THIS IS ROUGH IDEAS >:U)

Yuna takes up a very “heart of the team” sort of role on Team Cosmos and insists on doing a lot of the healing and diplomacy when people get touchy.

Yuna also is one of the people approaching Aeons/Eidolons/Summons w/ entourage, some other ones are Noctis and Terra, maybe Aerith, basically people very closely associated with summons/divine things in FF

Luna is on team Chaos because plot references and Kefka has a field day lampshading how Luna seems way too goody-two-shoes to be on team Chaos look at her she doesn’t even have fanservice

Versus-XIII’s “we were friends and now we’re enemies and maybe want to be lovers but can’t” ideas with Luna and Noct finding out about one another and going “I KNOW U AND ALL I KNOW IS I LIKE U BUT ENEMIES :’(”

Chaos actually is really happy that Luna’s on his team because that makes at least one summon easier to get tho actually Chaos might be a dick and make her go out and get all of them since she’s already proficient at it and they don’t have a lot of dudes with the proper resume and then kills her off/sends her back to Eos to keep her out of Cosmos’s clutches

If so then Chaos sends everyone out to different summons to just cause trouble and try to kill these losers

Maybe Ardyn??? probably Ardyn name reveal but IDK why he’d particularly gloat about it????

Tuna? Tuna.

Tidus and Yuna are cute that’s what im saying.

Yuna also does a Sending whenever someone dies regardless of protest because for her it’s at least important to confirm that they won’t come back as a fiend or unsent and it just helps her cope but Tidus really doesn’t like it cuz she’s always so sad

Noct is v shy and doesn’t hang around the group and is also extremely Tired(tm) all the time as well as lonely af BUT he kinda sets up checking in on everyone to fill the Ignis-shaped hole in his heart

Terra too but she’s more willing to open up and be friendly tbh she probably becomes great BFFS with Vivi.

Warrior of Light is that one mom friend

uH haven’t really invested much in IX but Zidane and Garnet get cute moments and form a nice team

tbh there is actually probably a lot more flirting across pairings even tho canon ones will still be canon (e.g. Tidus seeing Lunafreya and callin her pretty and gettin all up on Noct when he goes “YES U I KNO U”)

ooo Aerith/Squall sounds like it’d be cute

I think that’s all I really have I know I’m missing a lot of characters and my X and XV bias is showing just kinda yells because writing with a cast this big and diverse is hard because you gotta think about all these people across fifteen damn games ain’t nobody got time for this but I can at least jot down concepts.