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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

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Every note in my fone 21

Nobody can see me sometimes by nova luz Nobody can see me sometimes and other times everyone's staring glaring, like they can't get enough of me till I sink into my misery then its rough and ill see you later when your eyes aren't swollen His name was dean we met on a bus I never forgot his name. Prickles my senses and feeling so sensitive Lying in bed again It all hurts my head Who is he and when will we be together again? So who cares if he's watching who's picking my senses my senses are prickly my senses are feeling * He's probably thinking of me I can feel his thoughts in my head. This reality is split and no one wants to agree on anything. My nervous system is trying to tell me something. My headache is from sugar. The singer from guerilla toss was in the hospital. I have never met her. Sometimes being around people makes me feel constricted rigid ct ct sharp edges digging in from my sides, what I wanted to be might not be enough, brave and full, laying on the grass, I sweat and sweat and miss my mark, I lay in the grass again. These houses are abandoned but I can leave them dying in the street, at the very least a shelter says the hippie but I leave them dying in the street, the only words I will ever need are happening now, breaking broken chain link rusted I wanna break em break em poison ire green rusted water I can leave them dying in a street I have ten glass towers I can just leave them be their dying in the street, they're dying in your home, they're dying in the street but I just leave them be * Skin melting off Gold Fire His voice in my head His hand on my belly My whole body hurts But he can save me I'm a blessing not in disguise I want to be aligned with The universal truth And singing is how I'm gonna do it * The way that most people treat their kids is insane and wrong. They act like they are not complete beings when they totally are. In order to accept the wholeness of a kid, I have to be able to understand how they fit in to the fabric of the universe. In order to be able to work with kids I have to just be who I am without barriers. Sounds like a tall order. I see a parallelogram. I see a bunch, flashing different colors in my mind.bdbdbdbbdbdbbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdbdbdbbddbdbdbbddbdbbdbdbdbbdbdbdb * Stutter stutter nutter butter Embarrasing waving flags again But he don't know what its really all about Evil incarnate get your hands off the wheel You're not driving I am Everything weighs the same I'm just waiting for my coffee * Medium term goals: Make 500 dollars Get electronic drum kit Get small acoustic guitar Get band together Get job teaching kids * My heart is blue. I am sad and lonely. Seeking out something, anything or anyone that could relieve me of the strain, of feeling like no ones on my side. My green arm is dying. Umbilical cord feeding tube yellow fluid past life. Please someone notice me. All I need. Please someone notice me. Just some attention and ill be over the moon. Just a little attention from the man I have my eye on, the man I've got my eye on. Other girls * I like scrolling thru my facebook feed. If I didn't I wouldn't have seen all the posts about mental health awareness day and coming out day AND that I know a bunch of amazing people because I saw soooooo many hurricane relief benefits. I have 60 dollars set aside to donate, I just need to pick what I think is the best place to do it. So, in this week I want to make 2 late posts regarding these days because I want everyone to know about my life whose reading this: I think A LOTTT of people struggle with their mental health. Um I'm going to talk about my problems so here we go. I've had anxiety attacks since I was maybe 4 years old? I've hurt myself (not seriously but still hurt) during these episodes multiple times. I also had an eating disorder that I still struggle with sometimes. I get anxiety around food. I weighed 85 pounds at one point, I wanted to disappear and die. I weigh 125 now and I still want to disappear and die sometimes. * Rant alert What did I do to deserve to be into passive boys? Hah. Get mad about it. I feel like every time recently I've heard "I wanna get to know you better" it was a lie!! Nobody asks me out unless I don't want them to. Fucked. I feel so disappointed. Like are y'all afraid to approach women now? Do I seem that crazy? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I definitely identify primarily as a woman and I'm realizing it feels unnatural for me to initiate with guys. It like, hurts my soul. I'm so sick of this shit. I want a man who wants to buy me things. I hope this ruined your day fuck off unless you want to take me out and buy me things * Love and attachment I feel like I'm in a state of perpetual dizziness, or doom, I don't know what love is, my idea of love is a trade, freely given love. Just cause I don't have a band. I'm boiling over with jealousy, I'm fucked I'm in too deep I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams if I keep vibrating at this frequency. Narcissism is an excuse for poor boundaries. Jonathan doesn't care about me. I never really cared about him only his image and attachment Please grow an attachment to me Just kidding Not really I'm so desperately lonely. This is not the love I want. This is not what I agreeed to. I never asked to be born. * Fuck I'm addicted to weed and the internet I keep drowning out my own thoughts by internally shouting song lyrics..? * Its getting kind of ridiculous that I'm having so many problems cause I can't just ask for what I want straight up. This is connected to my jealousy of other women is connected to my feelings that every man that I like is seeing me . they are all somehow connected. Am I really...yes. What is so bad about just asking for what I want? Mom gets jealous and I am banished from the kingdom. It feels like. I can't have my own desires. What o want is incorrect I want to be different I want this all to make sense Why can't I ask for what I want if I know that? Why Jonathan doesn't ask me how I'm doing. Why I'm never going to be a regret. Or always. I don't know. What even is the point. Of a relationship. I can't force it. I don't want to force it. I don't want to clench my butthole whenever I ask him hi or think about it cause actually I never do * I wonder why I have all these coping mechanisms and what do they mean? Like getting Self conscious when I know people are looking. That's a coping mechanism because I learned that certain behaviors were always followed by punishment. Thank god for teal swan!! Madeline peyroux I can't blame you for all my insecure feelings. I should have touched your head. I wish I had the confidence to brush your hair with my hands * I love Jonathan hahaha he said he loves me in passing, said he cares about our friendship 1. what did you mean by a lot of people? I want names. 2. I'm sorry 3. So I'm just your friend? That's all you want? * Embrace a mistake Remember the mistake Take a break Have a laugh Take your time Take some of mine * I miss Jonathan. I want to grab his face and kiss it. Probably smell like food. This is so distracting. Did you ever want to be famous? Are you restless in your heart yet? Are you restless in your heart? Do you want to be alone? Do you want to run away as fast as you can? I'm desperately looking for anything that will distract me from the pain I feel I wish I could be everywhere at once and have all my friends together at once. And eat more chocolate ... Maybe have more sex. Maybe get a boyfriend and only fuck him. Maybe get a place together and pay rent Is it wrong of me to be thinking so far ahead? I just want to eat and sleep. To hell with achieving anything. I just want to sing and if I can sing ill be happy Singing in harmony. I just want to eat and sleep and ride my bicycle until this building collapses. I just want to sing and wail and cry and collapse I just want a partner, friends, a mate, a collective, a team and I want to love them deeply when I look into their eyes. I want everyone to look around and feel love. I'm distracted. Is it my fault that men are so perverted towards me? One day maybe I can read my diary entries to Jonathan and he will understand. That's a Hebrew name. He's so smart. One day maybe ill have a blue bell cast of silver to hang around my neck, green pastures and lavender linens, nothing to do but pick flowers and smell them. One day maybe ill have a cast iron sword. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Te amo muito Its hard not to smile when I'm lost in my thoughts about you. Sometimes I'm taken by a shock of shame and I yelp. I think I'm trying to purge all the bad stuff out * Wow it's crazy I'm really excited to smoke weed and eat and be stagnant * Annie I want to marry you even in your sweet and bitter days, you're paving the pavement in central park The flowers are shining, they're catching your eye under the streetlights And I wish we were far away, we don't belong to this earth, Annie I want to marry you Even in your dark and bitter days, you're shining in the moonlight, what can it do to me? What can she do for me What can she do for me Forget the past Break the curse share prosperity Even if we had a relationship at all, would I want to be with you when I know you're fucking other people? No. For me to even consider that I would need to know that I was a priority in your life. But obviously I'm not. * If I really wanted it, i would have it, right? So why don't I? He lives in brooklyn He is avoidant (not imagining it) I can't be the initiator, I identify as female He lives in Brooklyn and "fucks a lot of people" He never messages me Except about shows (I think its endearing) Lives in stank ass brooklyn!!! Brooklyn I have deserving issues so I don't fully pursue the things that I want I have low self esteem so I stop myself from getting what I want. I want to be as close to him as I can get We just live far apart and in 2 different worlds. Its a happy coincidence for me that our paths crossed. Funny how badly I wanted to go to that show that I met him at. I guess I'm getting used to the intuitions by now. I had been fantasizing about the guitar player from fiasco for at least 2 years. Isn't life mystical? Now I met him and I think I'm in love. I feel like I love him. IM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU. SORRY I KEEP MY DISTANCE. EYE FOR AN EYE EH? PLEASE DONT HATE ME Honestly I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I can't tell if this is good or bad. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I walk down the street unable to suppress a big smile because I'm thinking about them..and the fact they actually care about me..I'm so sorry baby. If i knew the answers I wouldn't be here. I love you to pieces, I love every one of your pieces. Are you going to love me to? I'm holding out to know. I keep trying to get to the bottom of these thoughts but I feel like I just barely made it below the surface, I feel forgetful and ditzy, honestly, all I want is for someone like Jonathan to be holding me. Fuck.I feel like such a fuck up because I can't handle my own life. I feel so alone.if I don't build a network of people I can trust to help me reach my goals, I will probably kill my self in one way or another. We can mutually fulfill each other... I feel like such a fuck up because I know I want Jonathan, and he knows it to..but we still never talk...wow it seems like he really cares. I wonder if its an act so he doesn't have to feel bad about himself. I know what I want but I don't have it..so there must be something wrong with me. To hell with achieving anything. I don't care. Maybe if I was a different kind of woman, I would hold his attention better Its like this crush and this relationship is bringing out the best and the worst in me. My intense jealousy came to the surface. In a big way. Everything's coming up * My most important checklist for a cool, hip establishment Nice live music/pays artists as a priority Purse hooks under the tables/bars * I guess this is hard for me to say and be coming to terms with. Most of my less-than-joyful emotions. I felt ignored in the scene for a while. I mean yeah, I didnt work as hard was some of the people I've met so there's that. I wonder how many people notice the insane white washing though. And why is Brooklyn suddenly the epicenter for all this? Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if this was uptown and/or by and for colored people Buut this whole Brooklyn thing is a bunch of white people!!! I bet a lot of people I k ow feel angry at seeing another same looking band of white people get the features I want Fuck this. Why am I lying to myself? * Mental health post: I missed this on mental health awareness day when everyone was doing it. But I still find myself wanting to share about my own mental health. Cause it's a topic that gets to me as many people close to me have received diagnoses of mental illness/disorder when I view them as just, normal. I just want to write it out. The only thing I've been diagnosed officially with was anorexia and bulimia, and that's because I collapsed and went to the hospital. Regular doctor visits made me uncomfortable cause I thought I was supposed to tell them, and of course they manage to lose my records every single time so I have to re-state all my allergies and everything every single time until I stopped going, which coincidentally was when I started to actually become healthy again. Yeah I had pretty debilitating back and stomach pain for a year because of what I was doing to myself by not eating enough and making myself vomit for months and even years. Now all those feelings are coming back, and I've lost almost 20 pounds the last few months, and I don't want to stop. I want to stabilize and be able to just enjoy eating and not try to get to size 0 again. Honestly I'm disgusted by most commercially available food and it makes me feel sick. I can't eat a lot of the things that are common for people to eat cause it legitimately makes me ill. After the first bout of eating disorder when I dropped to 85 pounds and my heart started to give up, after that I developed a lot of sensitivities that I didn't notice before. I was binge eating. I hated myself. Sometimes I still do. Part of me isn't going to give up, and I'm going to keep losing weight because I think it will make people notice me. I'm at a loss. I've been trying to reason myself out of feeling this way for months but nothing is working. I need attention desperately. I need to know that people think I'm beautiful. I was always a little reluctant to promote my image as a musician or otherwise (everyone kept telling me to) when I was extremely thin. Someone that I know became quite well known while having an eating disorder and honestly they looked skeletal and it disturbed me. I was torn with blinding jealousy because they were white and blonde and gap toothed and getting all these opportunities. I was upset because I realized how insensitive people are, and how people can be in immense pain and suffering right in their faces and they won't notice and will even glorify their image while doing nothing to help or even care. Maybe I thought I was a good person because I was intentionally holding back because I didn't want to be any kind of symbol to anyone when I knew how unhealthy my body and mind were. Maybe it wasn't worth anything because we can still have an oil spill in 2017 when energy alternatives are widely available and I have done nothing to help but lie on my bed and have anxiety attack after anxiety attack because I need people to see me but I don't find myself beautiful or pure enough to be worthy of being seen. All I see everywhere is suffering and I wish I could hold everyone the whole world in my heart so we can be together and never have to be alone again. When I get like this I resort to isolating myself. I don't want to re-live the whole thing again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not understanding. Im sorry I'm always too lost in my own thoughts to care. I'm sorry for all the animals that are being subjected to toxic environments and getting new sicknesses. I wish I could hold everyone in my heart.

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