#ALSO APPARENTLY MY FRIEND ALSO SAW THEM EARLIER NOVEMBER??? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 31 years ago

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WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1994 I just got off the phone talking to Andy. Sure enough, the day he arrived the weather took a turn for the worst. Up till his arrival, the weather had been in the 50s. He said he was freezing the whole time and it never got up above 32º. He said all he could think about was me laughing at him.

He saw his family and said Linda’s daughter Samantha was cute which surprised him, cuz he too, thinks babies are ugly. I agree. They all look the same, too.

He said he just knows his 6-year-old nephew Brian’s going to be gay. Maybe so, cuz when Lisa was a baby I always felt she’d be into music, and I was right. Music and gayness run in families.

He stood at Mary’s and she, Adam and Adam’s best friend Mona from San Francisco and he went to dinner to celebrate Adam’s birthday. This girl Mona apparently moved back and is a topless dancer in Springfield. And is making way more than I did here. Andy says she’s blond with big tits, though, so maybe that’s why. I also think it’s cuz there are fewer topless bars in Springfield than there are in Phoenix. Andy, Adam, and 4 others went to a gay bar in Hartford and were shocked to see it was packed with wall-to-wall people. There he met up with an old lust object he met 15 years ago who wants to get back together with him. Andy said he would’ve if he lived there. The funniest part of it was when they left the bar after 5 hours. When he came out of the bar it was snowing really hard and all the cars were covered. Before that, when Mary came to wake him up at noon, she came into his room and said, “Look. I’ve got something to show you.” She pulled up the shade and there was a dusting of snow. He said he was like - oh my God! When he returned to Adam’s in Adam’s car, he had to do something he swore he’d never do again - clean snow off of a car. He had driven his father’s car over there.

He said no one bad-mouthed me. His mom said I turned out to be a beautiful girl and remembers when I was chunky. They asked if Tom and I were going to have a kid. Judy said she was glad I got to see Goldie and Al and said she always liked them.

He said he called Nervous and he actually talked to him. He wanted to go over and take a picture of him and Crystal, but he wouldn’t let him.

He slept from 4 AM to noon while he was there.

Well, that’s all for now. In a half-hour, I’m going to watch a movie I taped.

Later…

I watched a couple of movies I taped. They were so-so.

I tested Tom’s PrintBMP programs for bugs. So far, so good. I printed out 2” pictures all the way up to 11”. I printed out Piggy, Norah, and drawings I did of Linda and Gloria, as well as a couple off the top of my head.

I wallpapered the back wall of Piggy’s cage by taping pictures on from the outside facing in. One of Piggy, 2 of Norah, 2 Linda drawings and 3 Gloria drawings.

Tom got that envelope yesterday from my parents. It was a Phoenix Suns T-shirt. He really liked it as he really likes basketball.

I chatted with my dad earlier. I called Tammy too, who had a friend over at the time.

Another funny thing Andy said was how he missed his plane because he had to take a shit. He was delayed for two hours.

It’s not as cold here as it is in the east, but I wish it was in the 80s here like it is in Florida. It’s pretty chilly out there right now, but where my parents are you can lie out in the sun and go swimming. The pool temperature is 50º.

What should I do now? I guess I’ll pump in a little bit of fresh air and go start typing another document for Tom.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1994 First I’ll go into detail about making the earrings, then into what Marjorie gave us. The earring kit came with 4 strips of soft metallic plastic. One strip makes 4 pairs. It also had the mold and the backings and parts. What you do is cut a strip in half and put them in a pot of hot water with a few drops of cooking oil so they don’t stick. Then, when they get soft and flimsy you take them out and press them into the earring mold. Then you set it in cold water for a couple of minutes, then take them out and trim off excess plastic on the outside of the mold and remove the mold. The last part’s easy. You peel off a dot over the adhesive, push the backing down into it and pull it out with its adhesive on it. Then you stick it wherever you want on the back of the earring, put the post on, and they’re ready to wear. I have a pink one, a green one, one with light pastel colors and one with darker colors. I just had a pair on but I had to take them off as they were irritating me. I can’t wear fake stuff in my ears.

Marjorie’s sister Margaret sent us a Christmas card and she also wished me a happy Chanukah. She lives in San Diego. She also gave us some cookies she made, some material and scissors that are great for cutting material. Now I can keep an extra pair in my room. We had one in the back room, one in the kitchen and one in the living room. I had a pair in my room, but they were quite little. The ones that were in the kitchen now live in my room and the ones Marjorie gave us are in the kitchen.

Later…

The good news is that I cut 30 square foot pieces of material and sewed them into 5 strips of 6. Then, I connected 2 of those strips side by side. The bad news is that when I went to attach the third strip, I got it backward, with the backside of the material facing the wrong way. Tomorrow, or whenever, I have to take the seam ripper and rip it off and put it right side up. Then hitch on the remaining 2 strips and hope I don’t fuck that up. Lastly, I’ll hem the 4 edges and hope to hell I’ve made a fairly decent quilt.

I have about 11 different patterns. The 7 Marjorie gave us, a sheet, an old dress, and those 2 from the material we got to make the 2 throw pillows that are on the living room couch.

Tonight there’s to be a movie on called Bionic Ever After. At least, I think that’s what it’s called. Lindsay Wagner and Lee Majors reunite to get married, I guess.

Tom says there’s also some bionic quiz on Prodigy, too. I’ll have to check that out in a little while.

We ordered stuff at dirt-cheap prices from a catalog. He got tools and I got Velcro sneakers, a nightie, and a few other things too, which I can’t remember.

Later…

I just finished typing up 25 and now it’s printing out. The next one (26) should go fast. It’s a 130-pager, but I only need to type up about 94 pages. The rest is letters or convos from tapes that I copied in.

As tired as I am I have to stay up till 2:00 to take Andy’s last tape out and put it with the rest of them by the door, even though Tom would gladly do it.

Tom’s going to tape the movie I mentioned earlier in his room and I’m going to tape a movie in the living room.

I let Andy know we’ll both be asleep, so he’ll use his key to let himself in quietly.

Tom left about an hour ago to go take his parents to the racetrack. Barely 5 minutes after he left Marge called saying Dad’s stomach was bothering him, but that maybe it’d be OK by the time he got there. I thanked her for the stuff, too. I guess he’s feeling better cuz Tom hasn’t returned. Maybe he’s over there chatting. I know how much they all like to talk.

Well, now I’m going to go check the printer. My stuff should be done printing any minute.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1994 Wow! Only 8 more days to go! Can’t wait to get it over with and get on with life in stereo.

Last night at sundown was the beginning of Chanukah. I never lit the candles since being on my own and we doubt my parents would’ve sent the menorah, candles, and that plate if I weren’t married. Last night, or afternoon, I should say, I lit the candles. It was fun and interesting. Especially for Tom as this is all new to him.

I’m sure my parents tried to call, but I was in bed and Tom had the ringer off to do computer work. I talked to Tammy and Bill. Tammy said she appreciated the gifts. I’m glad she did.

I finished the Tammy and Sarah documents yesterday. And Shauna’s, too.

Yesterday morning Tom swept out the garage and I took all the trash out of his car. Tons of it.

Shortly after Tom got up, we screwed around. We experimented with different positions. It was fun and it’s getting easier.

Then, we went to a bookstore and an art store. He got a computer book and I got 2 journals. In the art store, I got these pens, plaster of Paris to mold figurines, and an earring-making kit. We made all 4 earrings in the kit. They came out really cool looking and they’re not hard at all to make. I’ll expand much more on it tomorrow.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1994 I just checked Andy’s messages for the first time since he’s been gone. He’s got 26. The bulk of them is from an ex-coworker. I think that’s who it is. A few calls from the ad he placed. One sounded promising, one a complete ditz, and the other a slut. The dirty old man type. Lots of hang-ups too, that are probably ad-related. I used to get that a lot when I placed ads back east.

I finally did get around to writing Alex a letter. Also to Bob, Tammy and my parents. I wrote them to give my wrist a break from all the typing I did.

Several months ago, Tom printed out pictures for me to draw and I did, so I turned it into stationery.

I’d also like to get that V-shaped keyboard they make. It really should decrease wrist strain. I added a few more things to the ‘to do’ and ‘to get’ lists.

I got a letter from Bob today. I found it ironic that he said he expects us to have a kid by November 26, 1995. Why? Cuz I had feelings about November, Tom said he thought it’d be the end of ‘95 or the beginning of ‘96 and that most people in his family are born in the winter or summer. On the other hand, that means getting pregnant around March. That’s awfully fast for a DES daughter, even if after the surgery he came like there was no tomorrow. Seeing is believing for me, though. The other day we were talking about not always getting something you wanted. Whether it’s out of your control or you’re waiting. Like when Tom said the reason I’m not pregnant is cuz we agreed to wait. When he said that, that deepened my belief that he could’ve cum since day one, but is waiting for when we are ready. With all that’s gone on, though, plus my surgery, I’m very glad we waited. However, if he doesn’t cum in time after surgery, I’m going to think two things: That God doesn’t want me to have a kid and that there’s something wrong with him, but his ego or manhood won’t allow him to say so and go talk to a doctor about it. No, I don’t think I’d think he didn’t want a kid unless he told me so and he’s told me he does want one.

We’ve had good talks and he gives good advice. He brought up a very good point about why we don’t have tapes of me singing. Besides blocks, I’ve got in my head due to those bullshit bands back east and Scott, he said I worry too much about the end of things which prevents or makes it hard for me to start things. Yeah, it’s true that I’d sit there and ask myself what I’d do with the money, for example, whether I made a little or millions.

I’ve often told myself to bring back the music. Sing more, play the guitar and keyboards, but then I ask myself, “What for?” The answer should’ve been, “Cuz it’s what I like to do.” I wish I had the same attitude about it as I do with writing these journals and drawing. I do it cuz I like it. I never think of the end, and doing these things serves no purpose.

Tom sure was also right when he mentioned how I never thought drawing on paper would lead to me drawing on walls. Very true. I mentioned this to Tammy and my parents, too.

Later…

I talked to Mom real quick yesterday who said she couldn’t really use the crayon can, it was childish, and if she found a child she’d give it to them. Most people would’ve been like, fine! Fuck you then. But I appreciate her honesty and this way I know never to send anything like it again. Just like when they used to send me grandma clothes. I’d send them back, rather than let them sit here and go to waste. I’m not shocked as she is “too grown up,” but a part of me is shocked as she has her own set of Mickey Mouse T-shirts, stuffed animals, etc. I believe you’re never too old for anything. I forgot to say this in my letter to my parents, but I think it’d be best if we told each other what we want for birthdays and holidays.

I haven’t sent Scott anything for about a year, and I know he’s long since moved, so his father’s getting two Bob letters. I know Scott will hear all about it. I wrote his dad’s address as the return address, too, with no postage and I’m having Andy send it. This way the mailman won’t see there’s no stamp on it, as he picks it up from here, and toss it back in the mail slot. I doubt he’d do that even if he did notice that there wasn’t any postage, but this way I don’t have to worry.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1994 I was trying to decide if I should make a period chart for 1995 on the computer or do one myself. Well, I came up with an even better idea. Journals 36 to 40 and 52 and letter books have every other page blank for the most part cuz I glued in pages and wrote stuff not back to back. In 52, 100% of it has every other page blank. I’ll use a page for each year. I just wrote up the 1995 period chart. It’s a bit sloppy, but it’ll work. I may or may not use all blank pages in all books for letters. That’d take forever to fill up. There could be a few hundred of those. Tonight I typed up the Shauna doc and began 25.

I hope Andy doesn’t kill me for forgetting to record his shows in SP today. At least they did get taped, but hopefully these two soaps will be the most boring of all.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1994 I just finished typing 26.

Tom and I had a steak for our Turkey Day dinner.

My parents called and we chatted about our visit with Goldie and Al.

Ma asked me about the picture she sent since I didn’t write about it. I told her that it wasn’t until right after I finished their letter that I got the message behind it and read it. Tom and I were right. Even though the girl in the picture had brown hair that was only medium length, she reminded them of me. She said they got it in a gallery.

They said they went over to Marty & Ruth’s for dinner. Better them than me. Or us.

She said to tell Tom to look for a brown envelope. I asked Dad to tell me what it is and that I wouldn’t tell (I really wouldn’t), but he wouldn’t tell.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1994 Dinner tonight with Goldie and Al was great. Tom was impressed with them and he enjoyed himself, too. Goldie and Al looked very happy. They didn’t look as big as I thought they might, and I don’t remember them being so short.

I could tell they were judging me for who I was today. Not in the past. I told Tom they were always good to me, never gossiped or bad-mouthed people.

Dinner was their treat and pretty good. I got eggplant and Tom got lasagna.

They told me more about their retirement plans. They had once stayed on the beachfront where my folks used to live for $1,800 a month! I guess my folks were paying $800 a month. Wow! They got a 3-month lease on an apartment in Las Vegas.

They showed me pictures of Aaron and Noah, their wives, and their kids. Of course, I’d never say this to them, but they didn’t look too great. Their wives were so ugly and looked like typical moms. I brought our wedding pictures, some of me at the two apartment complexes I lived at here, and those pictures of Tammy and Noah going to Tammy’s prom.

If anything shocked them, it was how happy I’ve become and that I’m not fat anymore.

I never could remember how they met, so they told me that they lived next to my folks in Springfield on Willowbrook Dr. They left Springfield in 1966 and they hate Springfield too, and understand how shitty it is there.

Goldie said Ma was always a night person. Really? I don’t remember that. I know she’d be up till 11 PM - 1 AM, usually, and sometimes slept till noon on weekends. She was never up, though, that I knew of at 2:00 - 4:00 AM.

We were laughing at how Goldie was going to say to Ma, “Ha-ha. I got to meet your son-in-law first!”

They are quite happy for me about my ear surgery and are going to call me a few days after the surgery to see how it went.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1994 Just a very quick rundown on things cuz I’m about ready for bed. I made a mistake in saying Andy arrived in CT at 7:00 our time. He arrived at 7:00 their time.

Al called. They said it’ll be easier if we could meet them at the Olive Garden restaurant in Sun City. It’s about a 45-minute drive, but it’s worth it. We’ll be there at 6:30. Al said he was going to bring some pictures and so am I. Our wedding pictures, pictures of me at the VV & CC, and something else I’m sure they least expect. Their son Noah went to Tam’s prom with her and I have pictures of this. They were outside of the house we had on Berkeley Dr. in Longmeadow. I was in one of the shots all bandaged up after ear surgery. They oughta get a kick out of it, but I’ll expand more on that and other stuff tomorrow.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 1994 Andy came over, but not for long as he has to get up at 8 AM. His plane leaves at 10 AM and he'll arrive in Hartford at 7 PM. His layover in Washington D.C. is an hour, so it'll be a 9-hour ordeal for him. Yuck! I sure as hell don't envy him. I called Prodigy while he was here and it finally does look like it's cooling way down there. It may even snow. The satellite showed flurries into New York and Vermont. The humidity's 92%. No thanks. I don't miss that shit.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1994 After I got up today, we went over to Mary’s to check out that vanity table and mirror. I like it but don’t know when it’ll be brought here. It has 6 small drawers and a stool. It’s white with speckles and is rather old, but not totally dumpy. It’ll be great for makeup, and I do intend to fix it up.

We changed Piggy’s cage today.

I’ve also got about 6-7 Nintendo games for Tammy and others that I’ll mail with the crayon cans I made. We’ll still put together a disk of games at some point.

Later…

Andy will be here anytime between 9 PM - 1 AM. He leaves tomorrow and he’ll be back on the 29th. He’s going to give me tapes to tape his soaps on. I also have things to show him, like new wall art and clothes. I’ll give him the 16 or so no-postage-necessary envelopes I have, too. I was going to mail him his Chanukah card, but I may as well give it to him tonight.

I got a letter from Bob today.

We went to Christown Mall earlier where I got two new lotion fragrances at Potions & Lotions. I got China Musk and April Rain. I also got some Chinese food.

Now, you’ll never believe who called me about coming to see us Wednesday. Goldie and Al! I’m so psyched! Apparently, they’re out visiting Al’s sister in Sun City. They’re also taking a couple of months as a vacation. They stopped to see someone in Las Cruces, New Mexico, have an apartment in Vegas, but still has a house in Milford, MA.

She said she was thrilled to “hear” about my ear, can’t wait to hug me, meet Tom, and talk with us. She’ll be calling at 5:30 Wednesday and I’m really looking forward to seeing them. So is Tom.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1994 I’m not quite ready to go to bed yet, so I just thought I’d write up on some of the things we’ve got planned during his days off. We’re going to go over to his sister Mary’s house to check out a vanity table she has sometime soon. We’re going to change Piggy’s cage. We’re going to put together that disk of games to send to Tammy and go to the post office to mail off everyone’s presents.

At some point, maybe Monday, Andy will be stopping over. I have some things to show him and he’s got to give me tapes so I can tape his soaps.

Tom’s going to go food shopping very early in the morning before I get up.

The other day I got a booklet in the mail with perfume samples. You know, the kind you peel open and rub onto yourself. Instead of rubbing it on me, to spare my allergies, I rubbed it on a few book covers. The back of this one, the next one, and a few old ones.

In about a month or a month and a half, it’ll be time to go journal shopping once again. Tom said he always figured that someday he’d read my journals, that it was bound to happen. No way! What an embarrassing thought. After I’m dead is one thing, but not while I’m alive.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1994 I finished typing up computer notes and tips from Tom’s computer magazines. I use different names for different documents. I’ve already used Norah, Kate, Farrah and Jaclyn. Next, I’ll use Linda, Gloria, and other people I like, then maybe names in our families. You can only use up to 8 characters, so Nickolena will have to be Nicolena. Here are some of the names I’ll use for future documents. Gloria, Linda, Maria, Lamaris, Shauna, Saundra, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Tammy, Bill, Larry, Arthur, Dureen, Nicolena, Ray, Evie, Marjorie, David and Steven.

Later…

In a little while I’m going to go watch some shows I taped. I asked Tom to circle the page number in the index of magazines he wants to be typed and he did so in about 8 magazines. I have my work cut out for me, but I don’t mind and it’s fun. There’s going to be a total of 25 files and so far, I’ve already done 2. He picked out 5 more names, Mary, Wendy, Diane, Eileen and Lolita. I did Gloria and Bill and now I’m working on Marjorie. Bill, Marjorie and Saundra were all 1 page, but all the others are 2 to 3 and there’ll be an occasional 4.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1994 I got my parents' package today. It was a huge one. Ma wrapped my birthday presents in flowered paper, my Chanukah presents in Chanukah paper and Tom’s Christmas presents in Christmas paper.

It was funny to see we sent each other the same Chanukah cards. I mailed out theirs and Tammy’s today.

Tom got a Phoenix Sun cap. He’s got a matching sweatshirt from his parents to go with it. Soap, deodorant, and cologne for Tom. He also got this really cool thing that’s in the shape of a ball, filled with liquid with a boat in it and a clock. We both got matching blue mugs, but of course, he doesn’t drink coffee or tea, but he sometimes drinks hot chocolate. There was a cookbook, chocolate candies, orange jellybeans, 2 rose candles, and a menorah with candles to go with it. A picture of a girl that looks great hung over the girl I drew in my wall mural and 2 calendar booklets for 1995. A thing you hang in the kitchen that’s hard to describe. It looks like beans and corn and stuff like that. A window-clinger, not a sticker, of a menorah, and dreidels. I stuck those in the garage door where only we can see them. There are too many hate groups out there. Three small magnetic picture frames. All my niece’s pictures were too big, so Gloria’s living in them. Two palm-sized balls with bells in them. They’re really pretty too, with gold and other colors with panda bears. Three skirts that fit perfectly. They’re just below the knee, but sexy and sophisticated. They’re all solid colors of peach, white and black. Another one of those skort outfits that’s flowered. The thing’s humongous on me, so I’ll have to shrink it and wear a tank top under it. A 50-inch windsock of a cow that even has a little cowbell on it that I put on the end of the clothesline. On the other end of the clothesline, I put the bird feeder with the bunny in it. A wind chime of a cat and 3 hearts. I put that on the patio.

It’s nice to be able to have a big, private yard to use these things.

Lastly, a drawing I did that was put on a plate when I was maybe in the 1st grade. Gross! Tom says it’s a wonderful keepsake. Ma said that, too. She enclosed a note saying it was a wonderful keepsake she enjoyed for years, but now it’s for me.

I just typed them a letter and that’s all for now. Now, I’m going to go watch TV and Andy will probably call at some point.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1994 Soon, I’ll be going to bed. I just thought I’d quickly update on stuff first. Today I finished typing 23. I took Norah’s story and combined it with my journals, so counting that, I have 36 typed up that total 356 pages.

Yesterday when we screwed around, we didn’t use a rubber. Tom feels that at some point in ‘95 I’ll be pregnant. Sounds nice, despite my fears and doubts about it, and I hope that we’re both about to make one if you know what I mean.

I called Dad today and he asked how Tom and Andy are and said they don’t sell live animals. They’re flags with all kinds of animals on them as well as states and other countries.

Just as we were hanging up, Ma came in with groceries and she asked what their Chanukah present was. I said I’ll tell her if she tells me what’s in the package that oughta arrive tomorrow. She wouldn’t tell, so I wouldn’t tell.

Tom asked me questions earlier about Chanukah and his mom asked which one we celebrate. None with no kids. That’s something you live up more when there are kids. If we have a kid, we’ll acknowledge both.

His parents have a birthday tradition where they send each kid and their kid’s spouse a check for how old they are. Last June 28th Tom got a check for $37. He said she asked if I’d be offended if she wrote the check out to me for $25, even though I’m turning 22. She was shocked to see that I’m turning 29.

Wow. Even though I’ve been keeping journals for 7 years, when I turn 29, that’s 9 different ages I wrote during. During 21-29, but never much during 21 since I started writing at the end of October.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1994 Tom’s home now and he’s talking to his sister Mary who had a computer question.

I never heard from Andy last night, so who knows what he’s up to?

I did a lot of journal typing today and I’m in the hospital now with only 13 days to go till I arrive in Phoenix!

Speaking of hospitals, it’s been one year since my last attack! After that 2½-year reign of terror I went through back east till I got here, I’ve had only about 5 bad attacks in the 2½ years I’ve been here.

I still have some crayons left over, so I may use them to make another picture frame unless I think of something else.

Only 19 more days left till surgery. The time oughta fly by now.

Well, Kim has gone back home today. I assume she’s already there. If not, she’s on her way.

I still haven’t mailed Bob’s letter out yet, but I’ll be sure to say so when I do.

Of course, I haven’t heard from Mark, and I know he could be busy, it’s only been since last Friday or Saturday since he got my letter, but I don’t know. Maybe he will surprise me like Minnie did. When I do send Bob his nasty letter and he tells Minnie and maybe others about it, I’m sure she’ll call all about it.

No package yet from my parents. Maybe tomorrow.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1994 I still have lots to tell, so now’s as good a time as any. Remember the arts & crafts book Andy sent me under a bogus name? Well, I’m so very glad he sent it. Using an empty coffee can that is rectangular, I glued on a poster board around its sides. Then, I took 41 regular-size crayons and glued them around their sides. It was a perfect fit and it looks soooo cool. I glued on all the crayons so you could see the names of their colors.

I made 2 for us. One’s in my room and one’s out back by the computer. Then, I made 6 more for these people: Andy, my parents, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. I’ll send them out as Chanukah presents, but Andy’s will be for his b-day. I also made a little crayon frame, by gluing crayons on a poster board, with Piggle’s picture in the center of it. He’s been here a year today.

I finally got new mascara and this stuff’s the best ever.

Got a letter from Bob today and when I return, I’ve got some wild stuff to write about him.

I probably won’t return any letters I get from Alex or Minnie, even though Tom said, “I hope you wrote her back,” after I got Minnie’s first letter. In fact, I’m not even going to tell him about the letter I’ll be sending Bob for a couple of reasons. Cuz I don’t want him to feel guilty or think something’s wrong with me that’s making me do this. This is my decision and my decision alone.

Assuming Mark’s like most people, he’ll never do what I politely asked him to do. Either way, I’m doing what I’ve been wanting to do for years, with Tom and Andy as an exception. That is to dump people. Believe it or not, this is easier for me to do now that I’ve got a life and my shit together. Cuz now I’m not as lonely and as desperate and can think and choose my words more rationally.

I copied the letter I typed up into 7. I don’t know when I’ll send it, as I kind of want to wait till I get enough letters to finish off the remaining 42 pages or so.

Anyway, it’s pretty nasty and cruel and I’m sure Kim and others will get an earful with several letters. I’m sure it’ll make him feel pretty miserable in the head and physically, but tough shit. The short letter basically says I found out he was convicted twice before for sex crimes, he can drop dead, his problems are all his fault, and that if he ever comes here I’ll kick his ass right back there.

Tom and his parents are at the racetrack now. I hope he makes some money.

Andy may be over later on.

Later…

Tom’s home now but he didn’t win any money.

Hurricane Gordon hit Florida, but Mom and Dad are OK.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1994 I have lots and lots of updating to do. I don’t remember if I mentioned this, although I must’ve. When we got our new camcorder, we also got some free gifts. There were 3 little puzzles, but they were all white, so you could write your own messages, break them up and send them to people to put together. They were a little bigger than postcards and they give you envelopes to go with them.

I sent one to Andy, one to my parents and one to Tammy and everyone there.

Andy returned the $20 he borrowed last night by slipping it in the mail slot.

I finished the wall mural in the living room. I drew a bird on a cactus, two palm trees with a hammock strung from both trees and a little girl sitting on it reading a book. Tom says the little girl looks like Barbara Streisand, but I don’t see it.

Last Saturday when we screwed around, we used a rubber for the sake of making sure nothing gets in the way of my surgery. I thought with that peace of mind, with or without surgery, he’d cum, but he didn’t. He said after the surgery we won’t use rubbers. I don’t think we’ll ever have to worry. If we ever do try to have a kid we’ll have to hope that his pre-cum is enough to get the job done. I also still believe in meant to be/not meant to be, so we’ll see.

I haven’t spoken to Kim since she left that message the other day and if she’s tried calling when no one was around to answer, I don’t know.

I got a letter from Bob yesterday and still don’t know when and if I’ll be dumping him. I’ll give it a little more time and see if I hear from Mark. I doubt I will, though, as most people don’t do favors for those they didn’t really know for too long and weren’t great friends with.

Today I got a letter and a birthday card from Alex. I threw the card out right in front of Tom. Why not dump him too? What’s the point? I do like to get letters, though, but we’ll see.

I still have a lot to write about, but I’m taking a break now.

Later…

Tammy left a message and I called her back. They admitted Bill into Bakus Hospital in Norwich. They say he may either have pneumonia or both that and cancer. She’ll keep me posted.

Today we went to play miniature golf. It was a lot of fun.

I’ve done a lot of shopping, too. I got two of the pens I’m writing with, these stickers that came in a package of several things, all in the style of ballerina bunnies. I got a pink glitter ruler with shapes for tracing. Three erasers in the shape of musical notes. One purple, pink and green. A notepad with the bunny sticker like on the next page on its cover. Identical stationery (8 sheets) and 4 envelopes in yellow, purple, pink and blue.

I got reinforcing rings for papers that go in binders. You stick them around the punched-out holes of papers that go in 3-ring binders to make them stronger. I got through to almost the end of journal 2 with them, then stuck the centers of the holes on the back of those envelopes for decoration. They’re really cool looking, with different colors that glitter.

I got thigh cream that you put on before you go to bed for $14. It’s supposed to reduce craters.

I got Chanukah cards for my parents, Tammy and her family, and Andy.

Today we filmed Piggles with the camcorder, then ran it through the video kit, as we do with Norah’s and printed out a few pictures. One’s in the back of this book on the very last page. We had a certain reason for it when we printed Piggle’s picture out, but I’ll explain it later.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1994 I got up at 2 AM and surprisingly there was a message from Kim that she left at 6:00 last night. To make things easier, I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t call. She said she’ll try calling back. I don’t mind talking to her on the phone, but I don’t want to see her.

Anyway, Tom awoke in a great mood a couple of hours ago. He just left for work for an hour and will be going back in for an hour this afternoon. In the meantime, they’re still going to pay him for a half day’s work at time and a half.

Tomorrow he may be in for most of the day.

Later…

I was starving so I made a TV dinner.

My waist is down to 24.5” so that’s good.

Right now I’m going to go work on the computer.

Later…

I just began an outline of a palm tree. On the living room wall where there are just the small table and coat rack, I want to do a huge wall mural of palm trees. I went outside and studied the palm trees out there to try to get it as realistic as possible. I’m going to wait until Tom gets back. With him being from here, he can give me the best advice and opinions.

God’s going to pay me back real good, no doubt, haha. This is because I woke up Tammy and my parents. I forgot there’s no school today and my parents don’t usually get up till 8:30 - 9:00.

Dad said that today he’s sending out a Chanukah package by UPS and asked when Tom’s birthday was.

Now I think I’ll go get something else to eat.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 1994 I got about 20 of the above labels from some charity thing in the mail, so I use them as date separators. I wish they were the peel-and-stick kind, though.

Quite a bit has gone on over the last couple of days. Tom and I have had several talks. Once again the visit with Kim is off and as much as Tom always says, “You make your own choices. I’m not your daddy,” it’s something I chose to do for two reasons. One, cuz I believe in fairness and I know Tom wouldn’t do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. Two, cuz why not? It was no big deal for her to leave me all alone cooped up in that apartment in Deerfield all the time. I also don’t feel like I’m losing anything. Just her letters here and there. If it were Andy, my parents, Larry or Tammy, he’d have no problem and I know that for sure. He just never got over her waking him up when she was last here, even though he understands it wasn’t deliberate. Some people never get over or forget things. I’ll never get over or forget lots of shit either.

This morning we were in great moods, talking about all kinds of things; he thinks she’s coming today. I never did mention the message I left on her machine yesterday (her plane should be landing right now) saying it was time I level with her about why we both had a problem with her coming here and that all I could deal with is letters and phone calls. I also told her that if she didn’t want to remain friends anymore through the mail or by the phone, I’d understand and that I won’t call or write her unless she does.

As for Bob’s letters that I was going to give her, I guess they’re all going in no-postage-necessary envelopes for Andy to mail out. That is after I “delete” any traceable names.

I also sent a letter to Mark (Kim’s ex) asking if he can let me know if Bob’s been in jail before for the same thing he’s in for now. Tom mentioned that possibility, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to see if I can come up with anything. For a while, I’ll be his pen pal, although his letters have slowed down. I’ll definitely give him the ax if I do hear any negative news from Mark, but I also might cuz he’s getting so boring. He’s just old news with the same old shit. All I really ever want for a friend is Andy.

Andy came and borrowed $20 one day when I was asleep and is so much happier at this new place and with being able to sleep late.

Later…

Tom had been telling me this last month that he was going to get me a present for me at work. Something someone was selling, I guess. I got it yesterday. They’re 8 folding postcards with flower stickers to seal them. The part you write on is all white and about the length of this page. 4 of the backs were green and white stripes and the other 4 were peach and white. I sent the peach ones to Andy, Lisa, Becky, and Sarah. I sent the green ones to Tammy, Bill, Mom & Dad, Bob, and Tom.

He also brought home a box of peanut butter cups and a box of mints that he got from Wendy’s daughter.

In other news, I work on continuous typing stuff for Tom. Stuff from magazines.

I’ve begun typing 23, the last New England journal. This one won’t be done as fast as 20-22 whereas it’s bigger and there are fewer charts, lyrics, etc. Wait till I get to 76. That one will probably be the longest.

Yesterday, all by myself while Tom was working, I printed out some pictures with no problems at all. They look really nice and tomorrow I may do more and hope I have the same luck as yesterday.

The exercising I’ve been doing very regularly has been showing and I’ve been weighing 99 pounds. I hope it lasts.

The back room looks better than it ever has. It’s really neat and organized.

I may or may not have mentioned that my folks sent us a brochure of their flea market. I didn’t realize it was such a mob scene. Also, they sold fish, birds and animals, as their personal business card said.

I’m glad Kim hasn’t called. She’s probably too pissed off to as she said she was going to call at noon before I left the message yesterday afternoon. It gets funnier, the more I think about it. There were so many times I wanted to give her what she gave me for abandoning me in Deerfield. The only nice thing I’ll remember is the financial help, the stuff she bought or gave me and her letters.

If I do ax Bob, and if I’m still writing to Minnie at that time, I’ll simply tell her the truth, but that she’s got to do what she’s gotta do.

What will I tell my family and Andy about Kim’s not coming? She just changed jobs and her mom’s sick. The truth is none of their business and I don’t want to discuss it over and over with so many people. Or to have them think that Tom made me do this. No one tells me what to do. It was my choice.

Alone or married, I’m more and more turned off by the idea of Bob coming out here once he’s released. He’s old news with the same old shit. My gut feeling tells me he may very well not live long enough to see freedom anyway.

Later…

I feel bad for Tom as he busted his ass doing the backyard and the patio cuz of Kim. It needed to be done, but he wouldn’t have had to do it all at once if we’d known I was going to call off her visit.

Anyway, I’m getting kind of tired so I’m going to go take my meds and lay down. I’ll be falling asleep real soon.

Cigna called. Gotta go for blood work and an EKG on December 1st between 8 AM - 4 PM.

I believe on the 24th we’re going to Dave and Evie’s for a Thanksgiving dinner.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 1994 Not too much has gone on since I last wrote. We played around with the picture-printing program and just bummed around the place.

Andy left a message for Tom to borrow $20 if that was possible. He’s still in training and isn’t getting tips yet. As I was going to bed, he said he’d check the account and see if it was available.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1994 I know I’ve been a bit sluggish with my writing lately, but I sure do have lots to tell. Amazingly enough, I’ve typed up journals 20, 21, and 22 in less than a week. Now I’ve only got one more east coast journal to do. That one will take a little longer cuz it’s bigger with fewer pages with letters, charts, lyrics, etc.

Here are the journal numbers I’ve typed up that total 300 pages. There are 34 altogether that I’ve typed: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 38, 39, 40, 41, 49, 51, 52, 53, 60, 62, 63, 77.

I typed up 61, which is a story. Here are the ones I will be typing up: 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 36, 37, 42, 43, 50, 55, 56, 58, 59, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 76, 78, 80, etc.

Here are the ones I won’t be typing up cuz they’re all letters or whatever: 23, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 54, 57, 65, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, and 75.

Later…

We all know I have a bad habit of doing things before I think about them, right? Well, last night I did something that I guess you could say was stupid. As Kim’s visit’s getting closer, I’ve been a little more anxious. As I’ve said before, though, Tom told me that I’m an adult, can and should make my own decisions, trusts my judgment, and that all married couples don’t always agree. This is very true, but instead, I called Kim and told her I couldn’t see her. After nearly 24 hours of thinking about it, I realized that disagreeing is one thing, and fighting about it is another. I believe we’re better than that now, neither of us wants to fight and we’ve gotten to know each other well enough to know we’d never set out to hurt one another. I’ll call her in a while and tell her how I took my anxiety out on her and am sorry for it and hope she can still see me.

Later…

I called and talked to Kim who understood that with her visit and the surgery, I panicked. She will be staying overnight at those people’s house, knows my schedule will be off and that I want to do only local stuff. She was on her way out and couldn’t talk too long, but said she saw Bob. She said he shaved his beard and mustache off and actually looked pretty good. Yes, she got the article from Minnie and couldn’t believe it, saying she felt like she was reading about a totally different person. When we see each other, she’ll fill me in more. On the 10th, she’ll be calling me from that house at about 11 AM.

Tom made some changes with the picture-printing program, so I think I’ll go see if I can whip up some fairly decent pictures.

Later…

Tom got up about an hour ago. I printed out some pictures and I intend to do more. Then we ate and played with Piggy.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1994 I just finished those 75 tips for Windows & DOS and am now printing them out.

Can you believe that two nights ago I typed up almost two journals? I decided to give it a try by typing up 20, one of the 4 NHA journals, telling myself I could stop if I needed or wanted to. I got through it OK and there were only 80 out of the 130 pages to type. I was so bored most of the time that I’d copy in charts, letters, and convos from tapes. Any stuff like that in any of my journals, I don’t bother typing. I had almost finished with 21, which had the same number of pages when I got all this garbage as I got a couple of times before. All these symbols and shit like that. Tom and I managed to save the bulk of it, but I had to retype some stuff. To get it out of the way before more trouble happened, I left out a few pages of trivial shit, like what I ate, what I was wearing, what shows I watched, etc. I can still swear that something doesn’t want me typing these journals. When I work on stuff for Tom, there’s never a problem. However, I have a mind of my own and am now working on 22.

Got a letter from Bob the other day and today we got an invitation to go to a housewarming party at Jackie’s. If I remember correctly, Jackie’s Tom’s aunt. I won’t be awake to go, and I don’t know if he’s going.

When I got up, I was sneezing pretty badly for a couple of hours. I even thought I had a cold. Andy’s over his cold and has had his third day of training at the new place. He’s happy so far.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1994 We went to the fair Wednesday for two hours. It was lots of fun. A lot like the Big E. They even had that same yellow wavy slide. I got cotton candy and we both got ice cream. We went on the ski lift and the Ferris wheel.

For only $12 I got a lavender crepe skirt with a matching top. The top has white lace trim with a tiny purple satin ribbon in front, but it slides down really easily, and Tom says his mom won’t mind putting straps on it.

In a few months when the county fair comes, we’ll have to do the things we didn’t get to do this time around, like play games, go on the big yellow slide, go in the funhouse, and get me a caramel candy apple. I forgot to get one on my way out.

When we came home, we ordered a camcorder through Fingerhut that was over $1,000. I can’t wait, though, and it’ll arrive in about a week. Can’t wait to send videos of all kinds of things to my parents and Tammy and everyone. I’ll write more about it when we get it.

Got a letter from Minnie today. I wrote her back as well as Alex, Bob, and Kim. Yesterday I wrote to my parents, Tammy and Bill, and also stuck in a letter for my nieces. Did I mention that I typed a letter to Larry? Well, I did. He should get it Fri. or Sat.

Earlier I talked to Andy who’s got a cold and hasn’t started work yet due to it.

I printed out all 33 pages of 19 and now I’m going to go work on those Windows & DOS tips for Tom.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1994 Now I shall begin in journal 80, as 79 is all filled up with letters. Soon after I start 80, I’ll be listening to music, then crashing. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun. Tomorrow, I may very well also finish typing up 19, then I’ll decide what to do from there. My movie should start recording soon.

Well, bye-bye for now, as I’m going to go start journal 80. After I finish 80, I’ll probably head to 81 as I really doubt I’ll be finishing that subindex as I mentioned before.

Later…

Wow! I can’t believe I’m already starting my 80th journal. This pen is going to die on me any time now and I really don’t have a whole lot to write about. I got all caught up in my previous book. Cuz we’re going to the fair tomorrow, I’m sure there’ll be lots to tell then.

I hope I get some mail tomorrow, too.

Anyway, I’m going to go and play me some tunes now, then make coffee and conk out. Tom will be waking up tomorrow at 10:30 unless I get up earlier.

Larry mentioned calling Tammy, but I forgot to ask her if he mentioned going to see her if possible since he will be working locally.

Did I remember to shut the computer off? Yeah, I’m sure I did, but I’ll double-check it when I get my lazy ass up and off this bed.

I still have to have Tom show me how to print envelopes, and maybe we can check out the possibilities of my editing on the computer. He said it’s not hard to do, but it’s very different than anything I’m used to.

Well, that’s all for now as I’m getting very tired and my hand’s killing me. I’ll write tomorrow evening.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1994 I only copied 4 of the 12 songs on Gloria’s new CD. I also noticed an address for a fan club, so I requested information about it.

I just typed Larry and everyone else there a 2-page letter with all kinds of fonts.

Instead of going to the racetrack today, we’re going to go alone sometime, so I don’t have to be there for hours. I hope he wins money for the fair.

Andy got a job at a place called Caro’s if I spelled it right. He’ll be working the dinner hours, so we’ll no doubt see more of each other.

Later…

Tom didn’t win any money at the tracks today, but oh well. He took his parents there and they gave Tom a T-shirt, a buttonhole maker, and a really neat craft. It’s a crushed can with a face painted on it. It’s hard to describe, but it’s quite clever.

I spoke to Andy too, who’s psyched to start his new job.

After Tom came home, we ate, then fooled around. We also were both in the back room each working on a computer. He showed me how to change the colors of the Window’s title bar.

Can you believe I’ve only got about 40-something pages left of 19? After I finish typing 19, the next 4 will be my nightmare in the NHA. I’m deciding on whether or not I should skip them, or get them the hell over with. Tom said if he were me, he’d skip them. We’ll wait and see how I feel later.

No mail for me today. I haven’t been getting as much, but soon I’ll type letters to my parents, Kim and Bob. One last one for Kim till she gets here. I’ll have to call her to see if everything’s still set and where she’ll be staying. I’m not sure where she’ll be staying overnight.

Today I got some information from Tammy all about her computer. Yup, it is a piece of shit. Hopefully, we can send her games soon.

Later…

I just ate, watched a little TV, and left Andy a good luck message. I may not talk to him before he starts work at the new place.

Tom’s going to wake me up tomorrow at 10:30 and we probably won’t be back here till sometime late afternoon.

I’m glad I haven’t gotten around to typing anyone’s letters yet, as this way, I’ll have more to tell them.

For the fun of it, I’d really like to see a psychic and I hope they’re not too expensive. I also hope they’re better than the 900# psychics. They’re certainly quacks.

Let’s see… what kinds of questions shall I ask if I see one? Perhaps stuff like, will our marriage last forever? Will we have a kid? Will we have a successful business? Will we move and when? Will I be a singer and if so, how well-known will I be? Will I ever quit smoking forever?

Speaking of singing, I really got into it a while when Tom and I were in the back room.

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lazyliars · 4 years ago

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/rp

DreamXD actually slots very nicely into a working theory I've had for about two or so months now, mainly centering around one question:

What happened to Dream?

Namely, why did Dream change, when exactly did it happen, and was it solely an internal change, or was there an external force at play, specifically a preternatural one?

I think with DreamXD, we might finally have an answer.

Or at least some clues to follow. DreamXD presents a shift in every single paradigm the Dream SMP has had. Like, I think most of it is just being so utterly blind-sided by George Lore Real, but part of it is the massive ramifications of an Actual God* being present in the storyline.

((*On the other resident god of the server, Foolish:

DreamXD is different than Foolish, in that his characterization is so dramatically inhuman - Foolish talks and acts like a (somewhat eccentric) person, and his powers are, as far as we know, limited in comparison to the creative-mode godhood that DreamXD occupies. And whether that is because Foolish is not a "full" god (having been referred to as a demigod) or simply because he's spent so much time around humans, we don't know, but we do know that either way, DreamXD is NOT that.

DreamXD's voice is marked by glitches and dramatic shifts in tone, he seems to lack control over the different aspects of his personality, like the more "Dream" part vs. the darker one that threatens to eat peoples souls. The "normal" part even displays confusion when George references things that the "darker" part said, implying that it may not be fully aware of itself.

TLDR: Foolish acts more human than DreamXD, who has a very eldritch personality.))

To get right to the point:

The Dream we knew before November 16th, and the Dream we know now are not the same. Something changed, and it changed for the worse.

Consider: Dream was always antagonistic to the L'manbergians - he was always imperious to them, and he was responsible for starting a number of fights between his faction and theirs, just as many if not more than they were.

But, he was also not... evil. He'd pick fights with Tommy, the disc wars were still a thing, but the gravity of the spats they had weren't dire. They were fun. They were... actually a game. He wasn't like the way he is now. While in hindsight we can look at these events and detect a serious undertone knowing what's to come, at the time they were far from it.

There is an argument to be made that he had the same tendencies as now, just not expressed as loudly, and while I believe it's a valid argument, I disagree that it's proof of Dream always being the way he is now.

Sapnap, Badboyhalo, Sam. They all remember Dream as their friend - they remember someone who was, maybe a little aggressive and a lot competitive, but not cruel. Not needlessly murderous. Not someone who steals sentimental items and lines the walls of a disgusting museum to use against them.

Dream cut them out. Sapnap was totally blindsided. Bad doesn't seem to fully believe it. Sam blamed himself for not realizing and tried to take the weight of that crime on his own shoulders by becoming the Warden.

There's also the competing theory that what happened to Dream was purely psychological - either the circumstances slowly isolating him from his friends driving him to the do things he's done, or a desire for control that started early and continued to fester until it overshadowed everything else, or any combination of both.

And those theories are still valid, they could still be the case, but I haven't been able to shake the idea that there is something deeper at play. I can't overstate how the exile arc and everything after it have been so inhumane, so cruel, and... not exactly out of character in the sense that I could never see Dream doing them, but in the sense that I could never see him doing them for no reason.

And there really doesn't seem to be one. Dream says himself, it's like a game. He sees people as toys, puppets. And there just doesn't seem to be an inciting incident that could explain how he made the leap from semi-authoritarian leader who, despite being a warmonger, does love his friends, to heartless murderer who wants to reduce everyone he knows to dolls.

There's... ways, he could get there, but nothing that we've seen makes sense. There is a missing piece, something that must have happened from his POV that we didn't get to see because he doesn't stream.

And DreamXD could be it. This godly entity that claims that it is "a part of [Dream]" but that it isn't him entirely. That seems to share the lack of understanding of humanity that Dream has been displaying like when he asks if resurrecting Tommy was “cool.” But that still loves George. He still, despite apparently not having the same history as Dream, desperately wants to be George's friend.

If I had to pinpoint the moment Dream changed, it would be the day that he revealed that he switched sides, and was going to be fighting against Pogtopia. He was paid for this betrayal in the Revive Book.

I mark this as the turning point in my theory because it is the first time Dream mentions his affinity for chaos in the context of hurting others. However, we also know that this likely wasn't the day he actually made the decision to betray - as he revealed that there was a traitor among the Pogtopians, a fact that he likely would have learned before this.

Now, I mark George's lore stream as the introduction of DreamXD proper, and I want that on the record because it isn't technically his first appearance on the server.

Most people will remember him from Techno's stream, where he logged on to break the End Portal in a panic. I doubt the character was properly written into the lore at that time, but it fits neatly with the rest of what we know about him - a guardian of the server, and the keeper of it's rules. No contradictions.

What less people might know, is that DreamXD has made an even earlier appearance, and it's this one where things begin to get... interesting.

Around roughly October of 2020, Tubbo and Fundy did some improv'd streams centering around Demon Hunting, or rather, "Dreamon" Hunting, and it's during the first of these two streams that DreamXD makes an appearance.

The bare bones of it was - Tubbo is an experienced "Dreamon Hunter" and teaches Fundy his ways. They find Dream, and realize that he has a Dreamon inside of him, which is basically an evil version of him. They attempt to exorcise the Dreamon from Dream via various shenanigans, and eventually, they do a ceremony to free Dream. However, they apparently botch it, and unleash the Dreamon within. After more shenanigans, one attempt to fix it utilizing Fundy and Dream's wedding appears to work, but then DreamXD logs on, flys around at Tubbo and Fundy threateningly, and they end stream on the idea that there are probably more Dreamons to hunt.

Now. There's a lot to unpack here. I'm not gonna go into the nitty gritty details in this post, but I do recommend watching the Dreamon streams, as they have A LOT of details that, if this is getting incorporated into the main story line, could be important - especially the focus on duality, having TWO versions of Dream, which end up being potentially separated from each other.

(Also, they're just really funny streams. Tubbo and Fundy are at PEAK chaos and Dream plays along with their inane bit perfectly, it's just good content.)

At the time of the Dreamon streams airing, they were explicitly non-canon. IIRC Tubbo and Fundy referred to them as taking place In an “alternate universe,” which makes sense considering they would have been on opposite sides at the time (Manburg and Pogtopia.)

However.

And this is where I show you my wall of red string and newspaper clippings.

My singular piece of evidence for this comes from one line DreamXD drops. He simply says: “At least you're not hunting me.”

The Dreamon streams take place around early October. Dream reveals his betrayal of Pogtopia around November 6th-7th. The timeline of the Dreamon streams would line up perfectly with the idea that there was a catalyzing event that put Dream on the proverbial path to hell.

I do not believe that they intended the Dreamon arc to be anything other than a side story at the time, but considering that DreamXD himself was barely canon until now, I don't think it's out of the question that they took a look back at a fan-favorite minor arc, saw an opportunity to co-opt it into the current story line, and potentially fill in some holes regarding Dream's characterization all in one move.

On the question of whether this would be a GOOD storytelling move?

The Dreamon theories were prevalent during the exile arc, and I've got to say, I was never a huge fan. The detachment of Dream's actions from his intentions, and by extension his morality, never sat right with me. It feels cheap to make him a victim and say “a Dreamon did it!” in regards to all of the horrible things that he's done. It strips his agency and makes everything that happened less impactful in my opinion, and I stand by that reading.

BUT. With DreamXD introduced, I feel like it's necessary to look at this from all angles. And with the way DreamXD was characterized in George's stream, I don't think it necessarily ruins Dream's character to say that an external force was involved with his descent into evil.

Namely, the idea that whatever happened to Dream was not really a “possession” so much as a gradual loss of humanity, could be an interesting way to look at this. It implies that Dream was always capable of his actions, but grants us understanding as to why he would actually perform them, and why he might have become isolated enough from his friends that they would let this happen.

The Dream we know now could be an expression of his “worst self” brought to the surface by a Dreamon/DreamXD/other. It also begs the question of what would happen if that force were to leave him, and how it might cause yet another shift in character, especially if it were to be portrayed as less of a switch being flipped, and more of a withdrawal, with a gradual process of realizing how far gone he was.

To close this out, I've been stewing on the idea that Dream hasn't entirely been himself since the climax of the Exile Arc.

I think this theory holds water, but it's also not waterproof... there are plenty of holes, and a lot of that comes from the fact that Dream doesn't stream. We're left in the dark when deciphering his character, and what might appear to be the key, could just as easily be revealed as a red herring, or even nothing at all.

Regardless of the validity of the Dreamon theory, I think that DreamXD is one of the most interesting developments we've had on the SMP in a long time, if simply because his arrival coincides with fucking George Lore Real. God. I still don't know how to deal with that.

I always appreciate people adding to the discussion by the way! Feel free to reblog with additions if you like or leave them in the replies.

And if a single one of you comes to my blog on THIS. THE DAY OF MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING. And calls ME a c!Dream Apologist to MY FACE..... I will be v sad.

#Dream SMP #DreamXD #Dreamwastaken #c!Dream #georgenotfound #dream smp analysis #dream smp theory #lazytext

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songbirdsingingthings · 4 years ago

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Traditions - Shouto Todoroki x Reader

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS, THEY BELONG TO KOHEI HORIKOSHI

DAY THREE OF 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - 25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS MASTERLIST - MAIN MASTERLIST

What were you supposed to get the boy who could have anything he wanted? That was the question that had been plaguing your mind for the entirety of November and now December. Shouto Todoroki, your loving and caring boyfriend, was the hardest person you had ever shopped for in your life. Even Momo was easier to shop for - she actually really liked homemade baked goods since when she’s training she has to eat a ton of processed stuff. You were currently at the mall, picking up things for the rest of your friends with Shouto, while also trying to scope out what interests him in certain stores.

“So who’s next?” He asks as you scroll through the list on your phone.

“Hmm… I think Midoriya.” You respond, looking around to see all of the stores surrounding you. A certain one grasps your attention with the bright yellow, blue, and red colors. Shouto follows your gaze and he gives you a small smile as it lands on the huge All Might themed store.

“Well you're definitely gonna find something in there.” He chuckles, gently tugging your hand as the two of you walk towards the door.

You had finally left the mall with several bags being carried by the both of you, but you still had no clue what to get for your boyfriend. After Shouto dropped off the bags in your door and gave you a quick kiss goodbye - he apparently had some important business to attend to - you decided enough was enough. You scroll through the contacts on your phone to find Fuyumi, Shouto’s older sister, and press the call button. You’re only able to hold it to your ear for a few seconds before she answers.

“Y/N! How are you?” Fuyumi’s sweet voice filtered through your phone.

“I’m good, how are you?” You ask politely, making your way to sit down on your bed.

“Fine, just doing some stuff around the house. I’m glad you called though, I haven’t been able to talk with you for a while.” You heard some clinks and clatters in the background and quickly assumed she was doing the dishes.

“Oh, no problem! I actually have a question if you’re not too busy.” You say, letting your shoulder press your phone to your ear so you could start taking all of your purchases out of their bags.

“I’ve got time, shoot away!” She says cheerily, causing a smile to grace your face.

“It’s about Shouto-”

“What about Shouto?” A deep but happy voice piped up through your phone.

“Hi Natsuo!” You greet, smoothing the blouse you got for Ochaco out.

“Hey kiddo! What’s up?” You could almost feel his wide grin radiating through your screen.

“Was asking Fuyumi a question, but you can answer it as well. I wanted to know what kind of stuff you and Shouto did when you were younger around the holidays to get an idea of what he likes to do. I was trying to find something to get him for Christmas, but I feel like if he wanted anything he would have already gotten it, so I want to do something with him.”

“Uhmm…” You hear both of them exchange awkward words, so you pipe up instead.

“I mean my brother and I would have gingerbread house competitions, go ice skating, and have movie marathons, but I don’t really know if that’s something Shouto would be into .” You say, opening the last of your bags which contained a snow globe with a polar bear cub in it for Koda.

“Y/N, uh… Shouto’s never really done any of that before.” Natsuo says. You frown a bit, but shake your head.

“Oh - is there anything your family does especially for the holidays? I mean I know your dynamic is a bit… different than others, but I’m sure you found a way to celebrate...right?” You asked warily.

“That’s a really sweet thought but umm… Dad didn’t really let us mingle, so he’s never experienced any usual holiday activities. I mean he celebrated with us, don’t get me wrong, but we never really got to do fun things as siblings.” Your jaw drops. You remember playing with your brother in the snow being one of the happiest memories during the holidays and you can’t believe Endeavor didn’t grant Shouto that. All of a sudden, a lightbulb seemed to come to life above your head and a grin replaced your frown.

“Thank you! Thank you so much for telling me, I know what to do!” You exclaim, clasping your hands together. You bid adieu to your boyfriend’s siblings and immediately start planning.

“Y/N, I don’t understand what’s going on. Why did you call me out here?” All bundled up in a puffy jacket that made him look even cuter than ever, snow pants, and a pompom beanie. Shouto looks at you with a raised eyebrow.

“We are going to have the best day ever.” You state, grabbing his gloved hands in yours. “We’re going to make a snowman, then we’re gonna bake some cookies, maybe make some hot cocoa, and watch some Christmas movies.”

“W-what?” He manages, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

“Merry Christmas! I was trying to think of something to get you, but I kept coming up with blanks. So, I figured we should celebrate our first Christmas together by implementing some solid traditions.” You saw his shocked expression turn into one of somewhat embarrassment as he looked to the side.

“Y/N, your idea sounds great, but I’ve never done those activities before. What happens if I mess them up?” Concern flickers across his eyes, but you give him a reassuring smile and cup his cheek with your mittened hand.

“It’s perfectly fine if you ‘mess them up’, even though I’m sure you won’t. These activities are specifically designed to be fun, stress free things to do, okay?” Shouto nods and gives you a small smile. You give him a quick kiss and your day of fun begins.

Building a snowman was certainly a feat. You had to teach Shouto how to roll the snow to create bigger bases than the average snowball, which completely enthralled him. It was cute to see him so excited about how the snow managed to get that big, and he even put a little spin on the snowman, creating a “frozen pond” right next to him and an ice fishing rod so that he could go fishing.

Next was the cookies. Even though he really hadn’t cooked that much in his life, like many things, your boyfriend picked it up quite quickly. The two of you would perform a quiet dance in the kitchen, dropping two sticks of butter in one bowl and pouring a cup of sugar in another. What Shouto didn’t know, however, was flour’s tendency to create a mini explosion. His face when it poofed up in his face was priceless. You laughed so hard your stomach hurt which only made Shouto take some more flour and throw it on you so you were matching.

Finally, you made it to the end of the day. Both of you were cuddled up on your bed in your dorm watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Your back was pressed up against his chest and his arms were around yours, his left hand drawing soft lines on your skin, heat following his finger tips. You were so happy. Shouto really looked just ecstatic for the entire day, enjoying every activity you came up and even adding his own personal spin to them. You were so engrossed in those happy memories from earlier in the day that you didn’t hear Shouto say your name.

“Y/N,” he says in a velvety voice, shaking you a little to gain your attention.

“Hmm?” You hum in response, telling him that you were listening.

“I have something for you.” You turn around to look at him and you gasp with delight. In his hands dangled the daintiest little locket you had ever seen. It was a pretty silver oval with the tiniest little hinge on its side.

“May I?” You ask, motioning to open it. He gives you a soft smile and nods. You open it very carefully and you melt at what you see inside. It was your initials next to his with a heart outline.

“I know you don’t like obvious jewelry so I didn’t go for the heart locket, but I still wanted to get the meaning across. Do you like-” You cut him off with a searing kiss. You cup both of his cheeks in your hands and press him close to you.

“I love it, Sho. Thank you so, so much.” He grins at you and opens the clasp.

“Do you want me to put it on for you?” He asks. You nod quickly and turn your head back around. His hand sweeps your hair to one side and swings the necklace around your neck so that the clasp was in the back. His fingers danced lightly across the back of your neck, sending a tingle down your spine. He closes the little clasp and smooths it out. You reach up to touch the little locket and smile, turning back around to look at him.

“To new traditions,” you toast, arms wrapping around his neck.

“To new traditions.”

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jikookuntold · 3 years ago

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Jungkook and His Cover Songs: Is “10000 Hours” about Jimin?

Disclaimer: The following post includes theories, lyric and numeric analysis, plus my personal opinions, so please don’t take anything seriously. I’m too lazy to upload photos and videos for the moments I mentioned here, but I’m sure you know about them all. Any Jikooker must know. And I’m not Korean or a Korean culture expert, I just know as much as any Stan Twitter ARMY knows about their culture.

Anyone?

Maybe one of the biggest Jikook moments of 2021 so far, is where Jimin jumped into Jungkook’s hug, in Lee Hyun’s Vlog. But the other moment on that Vlog was even more significant; Jungkook was singing “Anyone” from Justin Bieber’s new album, and Jimin was harmonizing with him while holding on his shirt. I don’t want to mention their interview moment singing “Peaches” because I know this song is super popular in South Korea right now and somehow it doesn’t count as a moment. But it’s safe to say that Jikook has something special with his songs, and JK in particular always was invested in him.

JK & JB

The reason behind Jungkook’s devotion to Justin Bieber was always a big question for me, and I got my answer not long time ago. Jungkook’s playlist for Melon Radio Station included a song from JB’s new album named “Lonely”. This is one of the most personal songs any artist can ever make, and JK recommended it to his audience. Here are the lyrics of “Lonely” by Justin Bieber:

Everybody knows my name now

But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange

Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself

And seein' somebody else

And everything is not the same now

It feels like all our lives have changed

Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down

But it's killin' me now

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

I'm so lonely, lonely

Everybody knows my past now

Like my house was always made of glass

And maybe that's the price you pay

For the money and fame at an early age

And everybody saw me sick

And it felt like no one gave

They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

These lyrics made me think of one specific thing, the thing that JK and JB have in common: They started their careers at a very young age, and their lives have been under the scrutiny of so many people. These people judged and criticized them but never tried to understand them. The lyrics are straightforward and leave no place for interpretation. By recommending this song, JK showed that he had (and probably still has) the same experiences in his life, and I think the reason he recommends or covers JB’s songs more than any other artist is that he has many things in common with him, and feels connected to his songs.

This can lead us to another theory: By covering a Justin Bieber song, Jungkook shares something about himself with us, something that he can’t express directly.

Jungkook is interested in JB’s songs, but he is not the only one. As I said earlier in this post, Jimin shares the same taste with Jungkook, and my receipt is not just that “Anyone” or “Peaches” harmonizing moments, but also Jimin’s Spotify playlists. Since 2017 (or earlier, I’m not sure about this part) he has added some JB songs to his official playlist, and even his current playlist (July 2021) has two JB songs. And also let’s not forget the fact that Jikook as a subunit started in 2014 with a JB cover. Yes, I’m talking about “Mistletoe” and as you may know, Jimin translated the lyrics of this song to Korean.

10000 Hours

Nearly 700 words and I haven’t started yet! The subject of this post was supposed to be the connections between “10000 hours” cover and Jikook but this prelude was necessary to clarify all the aspects of the topic and we find out how JB is special for JK and Jimin and how they (especially Jungkook) feel connected to him. Anyways, back to 10000 hours:

Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber released this Grammy winner song in October 2019. Here are the lyrics:

Do you love the rain, does it make you dance

When you're drunk with your friends at a party

What's your favorite song, does it make you smile

Do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Do you miss the road that you grew up on?

Did you get your middle name from your grandma?

When you think about your forever now, do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Ooh, want the good and the bad and everything in between

Ooh, gotta cure my curiosity

Ooh, yeah

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that

Sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

And I'm gonna love you

As you can see, the lyrics are 100% romantic, and the singers including JB, have dedicated this song to their lovers. Also, their girlfriends/wives have a cameo in the MV, which leaves no place for speculation for the context of the song: Even though the uncertainties always exist and no one knows about the future, our love is strong and will stay strong regardless of time.

The Cover and the Theories

Nearly one year later, on July 28th, 2020, Jungkook surprised ARMYs with a short video he tweeted at 11:56 AM. That video was a 49 seconds cover of 10000 hours. A few minutes later, he deleted the tweet (apparently with the advertisement excuses, because it was tweeted from an iPhone and they have a contract with Samsung). Later that night, Jungkook released the full version on Sound Cloud and tweeted the link at 11:47 PM.

Jikookers discovered numerous theories that day about the times of both tweets; if you add the digits of the time, the result is “13” for both tweets 1+1+4+7=13, 1+1+5+6=13, and as you already know “13” is Jikook’s magic number. Also, the first video he tweeted was 49 seconds and 4+9=13. But in my opinion, this theory is not strong. I know that numerology is very popular in Korean culture but still, all of this can be coincidences, but the other things I’m going to bring up are most likely not.

28th July 2020 was the 7th anniversary of the first Jikook selca posted after debut. This also might be a coincidence and to be honest, it cannot be a strong link to make a connection with Jikook, but worths sharing.

The next thing that many Jikookers also pointed out, was related to the title of the song. The lyrics say “10000 hours and 10000 more” and 20000 hours after the 28th of July is 8th November 2022. As you may know. Jikookers believe November 8th is a significant date for Jikook. I believe this can be a coincidence either, and it’s very unlikely of Jungkook to do such calculations (Koreans are interested in numbers when it comes to days and dates, but counting hours is not usual in any culture. Other than that, I’m still doubtful about the origins of the November 8th theory because we have nothing other than two tweets and G.C.F Tokyo release date and their hotel room in Tokyo which still can be coincidental). But I don’t deny these theories because even as a coincidence, it’s still very interesting.

And the next theory is connected to the “Red Moon”. On 27th July 2018, a total lunar eclipse happened all over the world, which became known as the red moon. At that time, BTS were in Malta, and on the same night, Jikook were watching the red moon on a boat. They shared plenty of photos and videos of that moment and I’m sure as a Jikooker you have seen them all and you know that night had a very romantic mood (BigHit words, not mine) for Jikook. So, a second anniversary for that night and the day after that night can be a significant date to release a very romantic cover. Is this a coincidence too? I think we had many of them already.

And last but not least is something connected to Korean culture. You probably know that 1000 days anniversaries are very important for Koreans and they celebrate them along with real anniversaries of the important dates in their lives. And guess what? 27th July 2020 is 1000 days after 31 October 2017. This day is the day Jikook’s travel to Tokyo ended and they posted their couply mirror selca on Twitter with flower bouquet emoji. Despite the one-day difference (the same case for the red moon anniversary), this is not a minor event or small coincidence. I believe Jungkook posted “10000 hour” cover for this reason and based on this, the other theories I mentioned earlier can be true either.

The lyrics hit different if you read them again, after knowing this fact. Right? I don’t want to make this post much longer but before wrapping up, I want to talk about the lyrics of “Anyone” by JB (the song Jikook were harmonizing in Lee Hyun’s Vlog):

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

So, just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (anyone)

Not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (oh)

Love you the way that I want (love you the way that I want)

'Cause every morning I find you (oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

Only one (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

It's not anyone, not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, whoa

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya) gotta tell ya

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

If you read the lyrics, you will notice that the context is very similar to “10000 hours”. It talks about the uncertainties of a beautiful love or in other words: No matter what the future brings to us, this love will last forever.

This context of uncertainty and unknown future for a romance is a common concept in many of the songs Jungkook has covered and it’s not limited to the Justin Bieber covers he has done and maybe this concept can be the topic for my next analysis.

#jikook #jikookanalysis #jimin #jungkook

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sazc94 · 4 years ago

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Pietro and Bunny

HELLO

Here is my second entry for the wonderful @msmarvelwrites 2k Challenge.

This a spin-off from my Bucky fic: The three times Bucky broke your heart. Part 1 linked Here.

It follows the same timeline and explores the relationship of Pietro and Reader (Bunny) More.

Words 6034

Themes. Angst, Suggestions of smut. But mostly lots and lots of fluff. 18+ Because of the smut suggestions.

This has two parts and I will upload part 2 tomorrow.

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰, 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲?"

Pietro thought you were pretty cool. He thought you and Bucky made a great couple. He enjoyed hanging out with you when you would all hang out as a group. Pietro wasn’t one for girlfriends. Sure he’d had a few semi-serious flings and would occasionally bring a date to the parties after a game and loved how you would instantly make anyone feel welcome. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he started to think of you as more than a friend. It was sometime during his senior year.

At first, he pushed the idea out of his head. You were Bucky’s girl Y/N! You were the cute shy girl Bucky had brought out of her shell, who was still deep down that adorable musical theatre-loving dork. However, when Bucky started getting defensive around him and Sam about who he was texting, Pietro stopped feeling so bad about liking you of course Pietro would never do anything to jeopardize your relationship with Bucky and his friendships with either of you, but he couldn’t help but feel a tang of jealousy towards Bucky.

2010

“Look at Bucky, can’t go 5 minutes without texting his little cheerleader,” Sam said walking up behind Pietro. Bucky was too engrossed in his phone to pay any attention to the pair of them. Pietro smirked.

“Sam, watch this” Pietro said, before breezing over to Bucky and pulling his phone out of his hands. Bucky instantly shot up trying to grab the phone from Pietro, however, he was too quick throwing the phone to Sam.

“Dear Doll, I love you so much and all thought I only saw you this morning, I am already missing you” Pietro sang in a teasing manner.

“Come on guy’s give it back” Bucky grunted. Sam and Pietro kept throwing the phone between them. Suddenly Sam stopped laughing.

“Hey Buck, who’s Nat and why is she asking if you’re going to be around this summer?” Sam asked his eyebrow shooting up. Bucky’s façade faltered for a second. His usual bright blue eyes deepening with an unfamiliar expression. Pietro’s interest was also piqued, he may have wanted you for himself but that didn’t mean he wanted to see you get hurt.

“Oh, she’s just a friend of Jane’s. I met her at that party after our game in Green Bay last year she’s a cheerleader like Jane and Y/N. Natasha and her boyfriend Clint will be in town the summer and she wants to introduce us apparently her boyfriend was impressed with how we played” Bucky said, shrugging it off like it was no big deal. After that incident, Bucky was on his phone around the football team less and started talking about how much he loved you and couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with you in the summer.

November 2011

By the time graduation rolled around Pietro had put any thoughts about the pair of you out of his mind, chalking it up to wanting a relationship as opposed to you. At least that’s what he kept telling himself. You came along to his graduation ceremony. Well, it was for everyone. Pietro, Sam, Wanda, Jane, and Carol. Bucky came along too. Late. But you were there with Peter Parker who was a freshman, he had talent, but he seemed to prefer being behind a camera as opposed to on the field.

The whole gang hung around the field and bleachers after the ceremony. Goofing off and enjoying the last time the group would all be together like this for a while. Peter took photos of you all. Pietro’s favourite was one where he and Sam had picked you up whilst you were in the middle of talking to Carol and Wanda. The laughter that came out of your mouth as you squealed and shouted for the two footballers to put you down made his heart flutter.

Okay so maybe he wasn’t as over you as he told himself he was. Now he could understand what that Taylor Swift was banging on about in that song of hers.

Have you ever thought just maybe?

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Bucky’s girl,” he said grinning at you. For some stupid reason, probably because Pietro didn’t know what to do with his hands, he ruffled your hair like you were 5 again. He couldn’t help but notice you wince at the old pet name. He mentally kicked himself. Why had he called you that?!

Graduation was the last time he saw you for over a year. Unlike Bucky, Pietro had actually been away at a football camp when Bucky had cheated on you. He didn’t know what had happened. Only knew you two had broken up. Wanda was fiercely protective of her friendship with you and didn’t want to betray you by admitting to those that didn’t know that Bucky had cheated on you. He wasn’t going to lie; he was saddened when you didn’t stay in touch with him after he graduated. But after he started his first year at the University of Michigan, he didn’t have much time to worry about it. He was a Line Backer having secured a football scholarship after college scouts came to see Sam and a few others play, Pietro had caught the eye of the scout from the University of Michigan, all though he was a great player, Pietro didn’t want to play professionally like many of the guys on the team. He was studying Business and Economics.

Since about the age of 15, he and Wanda had always planned on going into business together. Between parties, flirting with the pretty cheerleaders and sorority girls and his studies you became a distant memory to Pietro. That was until one November game in his second year.

The Wolverines were playing the Wisconsin Badgers. Boy did they suck. Not that Pietro minded it allowed him the opportunity to watch the cheerleaders, he knew a few of the girls on the team from various parties, he hadn’t paid much attention to the new girls on the squad. Then out of the corner of his eye, he spotted someone who looked familiar to him. Could it be Y/N? Wanda had mentioned something about you getting a scholarship at Uni for your cheerleading, but he’d been in the middle of a game of Mario Kart with Sam at the time.

He tried to rack his brain’s but then the ball came towards him. He smiled to himself. Showtime Pietro. The game was an easy win. Whilst his teammates cheered Pietro made his way to the side-lines, desperate to know if the girl he’d seen earlier was you. His heart skipped a beat when he heard your familiar laugh. He couldn’t believe it. Pietro came jogging up towards you determined to chat.

“It’s just Y/N” or you can call me cutie you said winking at Pietro, he chuckled.

“How about I just call you tomorrow?” he retorted, you felt yourself blush. Pietro may come across as confident but inside he was shaking with nerves. Was he really doing this? What if you said no? You shrugged before pulling out a sharpie from your bag, you wrote down your number on his arm. He cocked his head puzzled.

“I changed it last year after Bucky wouldn’t stop blowing it up with apology texts,” you said simply wrongly presuming Pietro knew what had gone down. Before Pietro could respond you ran off to join the rest of your squad and headed for the changing room. He couldn’t help but smile to himself as your laughter rang in his ears whilst you walked off the pitch.

“Pietro! What’s good? How’d your game go tonight?” Sam asked. He sounded buzzed and Pietro could hear the faint sounds of a party in the background. Excellent he thought to himself. Sam was buzzed enough to have loose lips but not drunk enough to be of no use and if he was lucky Sam might not even remember half the conversation.

Pietro got back to his apartment, he had zero clues about what had gone on with you and Bucky. It was obvious due to your remark about him blowing up your phone with apology texts that he’d done something. He weighed up his options. Wanda or Sam? Wanda was his twin, and he knew deep down if he pulled the twin card she would tell him, but then if nothing came of this, he would be opening a can of worms with his sister over nothing.

Then there was Sam, he was still pretty close with Bucky and liked to chat a lot. But ultimately, he was like a brother to Pietro, and he trusted Sam to keep his mouth shut. Taking a deep breath and raking his hand through his Silver-blonde hair he picked up his phone and dialled Sam.

“So Sam you’ll never guess who I ran into cheering on the side-lines of the game!?” Pietro tried to sound breezy and cool like it was no big deal, despite the fact he was about to ask his friends ex out on a date.

“ I ran into Y/N. You know Bucky’s girl?” Pietro carried on forcing his voice to sound light. Sam choked on his drink down the other end of the line.

“I wouldn’t let her hear you call her that. That boy broke her damn heart, the fool” Sam said, there was an edge to his voice that Pietro almost missed.

“Wait, what do you mean?” Pietro asked genuinely curious.

“Well remember that little party your sister threw that last week of summer whilst you were away at football camp with some of your new teammates?” Sam asked. He didn’t wait for Pietro to respond before he continued.

“Well, Jane brought her friend Nat along” Sam continued. Pietro took a sharp intake of breath. No, Bucky wouldn’t have been stupid enough to kiss her at a party with your mutual friends, would he?

“Well turns out that Clint guy Bucky talked about wasn’t her boyfriend he was just a really good friend. But by the time we found that out Jane realised both Bucky and this Nat chick hadn’t been seen for at least a good 15, 20 minutes. So, she went to go find Nat. Only to walk in on them fucking. Oh yeah, it was on your bed bro”, Sam finished his story like it was no big deal. Other than the telling disdain in his voice.

Pietro stood stunned. No wonder you had winced at the use of your old nickname. Pietro’s heart broke for you at that moment. He vowed at that moment that no matter what happened between you both, he would do everything in his power to ensure you never had to feel heartbreak like that again.

Pietro will never forget that first date with you. He had come up with some lame excuse of showing you the best-hidden beauty spots of the campus. Not that there were any, he just wanted an excuse to spend some time with you. He wore jeans and a jumper with his beat-up converse.

All though it didn’t look like he had put much effort into his outfit he had spent a good hour agonising over it. In the end, he settled for a faded blue jumper hoping it would make his eyes and hair pop. He met you by the school library and the sun was shining, it was still a chilly November mid-morning.

You had turned up with your hair tied up in a messy bun a few stray pieces framing your cheeks, you had opted for a sweater dress. He remembered because it was loose and comfy but sinched inwards in all the right places. It was a silvery colour almost the same shade his hair was. Pietro swore you took his breath away.

Winter Break 2011

“And that right there is where the fraternity pledges had to stand and sing, I’m a little teapot every time someone put 10$ in the bucket. I didn’t truly understand the strange British Nursery Song or whatever it was, but I did like watching the pledges get embarrassed every time they had to sing when the cute cheerleaders walked past. So, I put 40 Bucks in the bucket when I knew the 3rd Years would be heading to practise” Pietro said pointing to the school statue.

You had nearly fallen over laughing at his story. Pietro noticed how you scrunched your nose up when you laughed. Like a rabbit. No like a Bunny. When Pietro walked you back to your dorm, he wasn’t sure if he was going to kiss you, but when you let him hold your hand, he decided at that moment he would regret it more if he didn’t take the plunge.

The moment he knew he was yours and you were his was at a party, he’d taken you on lots of hot chocolate dates, he knew you didn’t like coffee because it tasted bitter to you and that coca was nice, but you preferred the sweet comfort of a creamy hot chocolate.

It was at a party being held by the Ice Hockey team to celebrate their latest string of wins. You didn’t come to parties often preferring the comfort of a book and a cosy night in, but you always tried to attend parties after the football matches. You walked in wearing a red top and black skinny jeans.

The top wasn’t super low cut, but it hinted at your cleavage, you’d left your hair down for a change in loose curls. You’d recently gotten your hair dyed a deep chocolate brown and it brought out your eyes. Pietro nearly lost his damn mind when his Ice-blue eyes met your chocolate brown eyes after he’d drank all of you in. He excused himself from the conversation he was having with Scott Summers and co making his way over to you.

“Bunny, you look good enough to eat,” Pietro said dipping his head down to meet your lips, your lips were always so warm and welcoming a stark comparison to his cool lips.

“Bunny?” You replied scrunching your nose up. This was the first time Pietro had called you a pet name, you felt your heart somersault.

Pietro was messaging his sister on the drive home. He could tell you had something on your mind, but he knew better than to push you.

“So,” you began.

“What’s up Bunny?” Pietro asked snapping his eyes up from his phone.

“Well, I just thought now might be a good time to talk, we’re clearly going to run into a lot of our old friends, and there’s no way Wanda won’t know something is going on here, and I, I saw your lock screen,” you said. Well yeah Pietro thought, was he meant to be keeping you guys a secret? He didn’t want to, and he had just assumed you were a couple. You did couple type things, watching movies together curled up, holding hands when you guys were out together.

“So you were wondering what we are?” Pietro’s couldn’t hide the amusement in his voice. God, you were adorable. He watched your demeanour change and felt a pang of guilt, the determination in your eyes as you tried to not show that you felt embarrassed.

“Hey Bunny, look at me” Pietro grabbed your hand, wanting you to know how much he truly meant the next few words.

“We are a couple. I’m sorry you felt the need to ask, but I adore you, so we are a thing,” he said stroking circles on the back of your hand. You smiled and nodded to yourself. Pietro held on to your hand stroking circles the rest of the traffic. He couldn’t wait to tell Wanda she was wrong about him never getting serious with anyone.

“Hey Wanda, have you got a second?” Pietro and Wanda were heading out to meet up with you and the rest of the old school gang who had made it home for the Winter Break in the local coffee shop.

“Sure brother, what’s up?” she asked shrugging on her red jacket and lacing up her boots.

“So, you know that girl I told you I was seeing?” Pietro asked, you two hadn’t said if you were going to tell people or just let them figure it out, but he at least wanted to give his twin a heads up. Wanda straightened her brown hair falling behind her ears. She impatiently cocked an eyebrow waiting for her twin to continue. They were going to be late at this rate.

“Well, you know her. In Fact, you’re good friends” Pietro continued sucking in his breath.

“If you mean to tell me you’re dating Y/N, I already know brother”, Pietro froze. “I’m happy for you, but if you break her heart like that James did, I will not hesitate to kill you and hide the body” she continued.

“How did you know?” Pietro couldn’t help but ask, you guys hadn’t been a secret, but you hadn’t exactly announced it to the world either.

“I’m good at reading people Pietro” Wanda shrugged before heading out the door.

“You sly dog,” Sam said chuckling. Just then Peter turned up. Sam’s comment hadn’t escaped you, so you simply shot Pietro a quizzical look, one of your eyebrows arched. Pietro gently shook his head. He’d tell you about the phone call later.

It was great hanging out with the old gang, shame about Carol, and Jane being unable to make it back. Bucky was dating that Natasha chick and hadn’t come home from the holidays. Evidently, this wasn’t a surprise to Sam or Wanda. Pietro however was a bit taken back. That was until he heard how his sister had almost killed Bucky when she had run into him last summer. Carol had had to restrain her. Pietro couldn’t lie he was kind of bummed to miss it.

Pietro and Wanda didn’t celebrate Christmas, but they did celebrate being around people they loved and as the four of you sat around waiting for Peter Parker to make an appearance, he couldn’t help but feel his heart swell. You hadn’t even reacted to the mentions of Bucky. The way your brown eyes lit up when you teased Sam about his poor season or crinkled your nose when Wanda complimented your new hair, made Pietro come completely undone. Not being able to restrain himself anymore he leant in and kissed you, a slow soft kiss. The taste of your gingerbread cookie and peppermint hot chocolate lingering on your lips. When Pietro pulled away, he shot Sam a wink, and you promptly turned crimson. Sam just sat there gawking. Pietro watched as Sam tried to piece together his hazy memory from that phone call.

2012

Pietro absolutely adored the photo you had gotten him for Christmas, displaying it on his bedside table proudly. He had brought you a stuffed bunny for Christmas, cheesy but it made you beam at him.

“A Bunny for my Bunny” Pietro said shooting you his signature grin. Your heart constricted; it was an adorable soft fluffy powder blue bunny.

After winter break things got crazy busy. The year also seemed to rush by, between keeping on top, your rehearsals for the play. Pietro’s football practises, football matches, nationals for your cheerleading competition. It felt like you had barely any time to breathe. Pietro always looked forward to football games, not because he loved playing which he did, no it was because when you were cheering your face lit up, you always had his number painted on your cheek. Your brown hair always pulled up in a high ponytail, accentuating your big beautiful brown eyes that always looked for Pietro’s ice-blue eyes on the field. Mostly he loved the looks of jealousy he would get from the other team when players would be checking you out. Pietro would always come over for a kiss for good luck when he wasn’t on the field. You always giggled about how Mr cool; the confident cocky big-time football player was such a dork around you. Pietro was fast, sometimes your eyes couldn’t quite make out his movements, all you would see was a flash of his silver-blonde hair that peeked out under his helmet. You had started calling him Quicksilver, originally as a joke but it had stuck.

“So, move in with me for the summer,” he had said, his heart pounding in his chest. It wasn’t a big deal really but the thought of waking up to you every day for the summer made him practically giddy. Pietro continued to stroke circles on your bare legs. He was watching Grease, but he wasn’t absorbing what was being said.

Pietro loved every single second he got to spend with you, but mostly he loved the summer. College football season had finished, school was winding down and it meant he got to sit in those quiet moments with you. Pietro had no plans to go home for the Summer.

Pietro adored you more than he was willing to admit, hell he loved you which is why he was always never going to push you for anything more than you were comfortable with. He was content just kissing you, steamy make-out sessions. He just liked being close to you breathing in your scent, in the winter you always smelt like Vanilla and crushed Rose Petals. In the summer you changed your body spray, and he hadn’t quite been able to pinpoint the smell, but you smelt like Peaches, sunscreen, and sunshine. Okay, maybe not sunshine but he felt the warmth of your presence every time you were together. Pietro knew you were stressing about summer accommodation so he couldn’t help but offer up his place.

“Okay, I’ll move in for the summer,” you said. You picked up the remote and pressed pause on the DVD Pietro had been so focused on trying to play it cool he hadn’t even heard you the first time you spoke. When you started undressing, Pietro didn’t know where to look. Sure, you’d spent nights together, but Pietro always left you to get changed in his room whilst he went to brush his teeth. His eyes couldn’t help but wander over your body as you walked into your bedroom. Pietro inwardly groaned and felt himself harden. Trying to take his mind off what he had just witnessed he pulled out his phone. That’s when you appeared in the door frame, wearing nothing but his football jersey, when it lifted to show the skin of your bare stomach Pietro nearly lost his damn mind.

“Well, are you coming or not handsome?” Pietro grinned throwing his phone on the sofa and closing the gap between you in seconds, picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. Pietro was certain that if he didn’t get his way with you right that second, he would combust.

Winter Break 2012

“You love her, don’t you?” Wanda asked Pietro. You were finishing up tech rehearsals, so Wanda and Pietro were enjoying some sibling bonding by cooking Paprikash. Wanda’s eyes narrowed at Pietro who was avoiding eye contact with his sister. He could feel his sisters warm blue eyes boring into him. Eventually, Pietro stopped washing up and turned to face his sister. Wiping his hands on a tea towel he finally lifted his eyes to meet Wanda’s.

“Yes, of course, I do but that’s not a secret, so what are you actually asking Wanda?” Pietro raked a hand through his silver-blonde hair.

“It's obvious you two love each other Pietro, dearly. But you’re in love with her, you would hang the stars for that girl, and when are you going to admit it? You visibly had a thing for her back in high school and you have healed the damage done by James Barnes. So why don’t you let your guard down and tell her how you truly feel?” Wanda asked. Pietro stood there dumbfounded. Had it genuinely been that obvious to people he had liked you back in high school when you were Bucky’s girl? As if reading Pietro’s mind Wanda answered his question.

“You may have fooled everyone else Pietro, but not me” Wanda returned to her cooking and that was the last of the conversation.

“Are you sure your mum doesn’t mind me staying with you guys for winter break?” you asked twiddling your hair nervously. Pietro chuckled lifting your small suitcase into his car.

“Come on then quicksilver, let’s get going before the traffic builds up,” you said shooting him a grin your worries disappearing.

“Yes Bunny, she wouldn’t hear of you staying here alone. Besides, Wanda would rip my arms off if I even thought about coming home without you” he said pressing a kiss to your temple. Pietro had refused to let you drive saying it was his turn as you had driven last year. You still looked unsure tugging at the selves of your red jumper dress as you walked round to the front of his car. Your brown hair fell in loose waves, still slightly damp from your last-minute shower.

Pietro sensed something else was bothering you but didn’t push it. Instead, he hopped up on the bonnet of his car and pulled you between his legs. Pressing his forehead to yours, he uttered a silent promise that his mum would love you and that that the rest of the old gang would be happy for you both like they had all sworn they were. You looked up at him through your big doe eyes and pecked a gentle kiss on his nose.

“So, who did you say was coming tonight again?” you asked. You were standing in Wanda’s room whilst you both got ready for the small hang out Pietro and Wanda were hosting. Pietro had gone out to pick up Sam and Peter Parker and this girl he was bringing, Gwen. Pietro of course had been right about his mum loving you, you’d spent the last four days feeling welcome, included and at home. Wanda and Pietro’s mum had enveloped you into a big hug the moment she met you.

“Sam, Jane, Peter and his girlfriend Gwen. Carol’s coming, I think she said she was bringing her girlfriend. Now put this on” Wanda said handing you a low cut, slim-fitting black sweater dress. You rolled your eyes at Wanda; you were quite happy wearing one of Pietro’s oversized sweaters and your jeans, but you knew better than to argue with her. Just then you heard the door shut.

“It will be great to have so many of the old group back together,” Sam said shrugging off his jacket as he followed Pietro down to the converted basement.

“How are things between you and Y/N?” Sam asked.

“Sam, they’re pretty amazing,” Pietro said, a slight blush forming in his cheeks.

“Okay, that’s good to hear. Did you know Bucky’s in town for the holidays? I text him saying he should come along tonight; I hope that’s okay?” Sam asked. Pietro shrugged, he hadn’t spoken to Bucky since Bucky’s graduation and even then, that had been by phone. It wasn’t that Pietro actively avoided speaking with Bucky, it’s just that Pietro didn’t have anything to say to Bucky.

The pair of you had spoken in great detail about everything that went down between Bucky and yourself last year after winter break, and Pietro could see you still carried the scars from what he had done to when he cheated on yourself. Just then Wanda and you made your way downstairs into the basement. Pietro felt himself harden when he got a good look at what you were wearing. It was going to be a long night whilst Pietro thought the urge to take you upstairs and fuck you senseless. As if reading her brothers thoughts Wanda smirked to herself, a job well done, maybe now her brother would grow some balls and finally tell you exactly how he felt.

“Bunny, you look. Just wow” Pietro said. Sam rolled his eyes, you giggled before walking over to give Pietro a gentle kiss on the lips. You wrapped your arms around him hugging him close before you felt his hardened member. You cocked an eyebrow at him, but Pietro shook his head brushing your hair behind your ears before giving you another gentle kiss.

After about two hours, everyone had relaxed, caught up and were just chilling. Sam hadn’t heard from Bucky, so Pietro hadn’t thought anything more about it, no sense bringing it up to you if he didn’t show.

Sam had also gotten up nudging Pietro, swearing he would beat him next time. Pietro chuckled, that’s when Sam nudged him.

“You sly bastard Parker” Sam practically shouted. The three of them were playing Mario Kart whilst Taylor Swift played in the background, all though he’d never admit to anyone, including no, especially you. Taylor Swift had grown on him over the past year. Mostly because he loved the way you lit up when you sang along to her in the car.

Pietro was so engrossed in his game with the boys he barely registered you getting up off the sofa next to him. Whilst Sam had been busy yelling at Peter for using Banana peels, Pietro had overtaken Sam in the race. Once the game finished Pietro noticed you weren’t next to him. Feeling empty without you snuggled next to him he got up and stretched. He figured you were probably talking to the girls or something.

“Uh, Pietro, you might want to go save your girl from an awkward encounter with her ex” Sam looked pained. He was realising the error of his ways by inviting Bucky along. Pietro just shot him a puzzled look before following Sam’s line of sight. Pietro sucked a breath in.

“Sam, I swear to god if she ends up in tears tonight because of you, I will not hesitate to punch you in the face,” Pietro said before walking off to the fridge where you and Bucky stood.

“Yeah, schools fine thanks Bucky,” you said politely. Pietro’s heart was beating loudly in his chest, he had no concerns about how secure your relationship was, he just wanted to save you from any unnecessary heartbreak when it came to James “Bucky” Barnes.

December 2012 – August 2014

“Hey Bunny,” he said kissing the corner of your head before wrapping his arms around you.

“Hey Buck, long time no see!” Pietro said. Bucky stood frozen for a few seconds processing what he had just witnessed.

“Hey, Pietro Yeah. It's been a hot minute, so you two are a couple? You guys look cute congrats. Oh man, wow is that Peter over there? I barely recognise him I’m going to go say hey. Catch you guys later!” Bucky said practically running over to Peter. You turned around and kissed Pietro.

“Come on Quicksilver, let’s see if I can beat you at Mario Kart,” you said pulling him over to the sofa. Pietro instantly felt himself relax, glad to see that you hadn’t been impacted by Bucky’s sudden appearance. He grinned at you as he let you drag him behind you,

“What?” you said chuckling at his goofy grin.

“I’m just so fucking in love with you Y/N,” he said. Your heart skipped a few beats. Sure, you had both said I love you, but the way Pietro’s ice-blue eye’s shone at you, the way he had phrased it as being in love with you, made your heart squeeze, butterflies erupt in your stomach and all those other cliché metaphors.

“Pietro, I am going to rock you fucking world tonight, because I feel the exact same way”, you whispered in his ear. Pietro’s eyes bulged out of his head. He lent down and gave you a hungry kiss, sending electricity coursing through your body. When you finally broke free from the kiss Pietro, caught sight of Bucky glowering in the corner of the room ignoring whatever it was Peter was wittering on about.

Winter break came and went. Your second year at Uni whizzed past. Pietro even joined you and your family for your annual summer vacation in Miami, your grandparents were getting on a bit, so you decided to skip the summer production of Hairspray. Pietro joined you for two summers of family vacations in Miami. Your Grandma took a liking to him.

“Pietro, so good to see you again,” she said hugging him. “If I was 55 years younger”, she said shooting Pietro a wink. Pietro chuckled and stuck his tongue out at you.

“See I told you that she loved me the most out of all of you,” he said. You rolled your eyes. Pietro was right your grandma did have a soft spot for him. Who could blame her? Pietro was a true gentleman and his muscles stretched out any shirt he wore. His floppy silver-blonde hair and his goody grin. You were truly a lucky girl. He was going to break your grandma’s heart as much as yours when you two ended things this summer.

Saying goodbye to you was going to be one of the hardest things he ever had to do. The pair of you had spent the last week of summer in Florida with Wanda and her boyfriend James also known as Vision. Tomorrow you would both be getting on separate planes and going your separate ways. You were dancing around in the sea not a care in the world.

Pietro loved the way you were in the summer, the stresses of school melted away. You burned easily so your skin always had a very faint sun-kissed glow to it, but the way you were with your family. That was when you truly glowed. The way you blushed when your parents would talk about how proud they were of you. You were an only child, so your cousins were the closest thing to siblings you had.

And boy did your two male cousins pick on you. Teasing you about being smart, your relationship with Pietro. The way you would roll your eyes at them. Pietro’s heart squeezed with adoration when he watched you huddled in the kitchen with your grandma. Oblivious to the fact he was watching your brow would furrow in concentration as your grandma bossed you about in the kitchen whilst the pair of you cooked up some delicious treats.

“You know brother if you asked her to do long distance and wait for you, she would”, Wanda said sitting down next to Pietro. Wanda’s red hair almost looked like fire in the setting sun. Pietro sighed and shook his head.

“I know, but it’s not right or fair on her. She has plans of her own and we will be busy setting up your fashion label in NYC” he said, raking a hand through his hair.

“Besides, She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers. She deserves to enjoy her last year, her heart is in Michigan, where her mum and dad are.” Pietro sighed. Just then you came bounding over. Your black bikini just about covering all it needed too. You plopped down on the blanket beside Pietro, your brown hair trying to escape its messy bun. You rested your head in Pietro’s lap. You giggled as he gently bopped your nose. Swallowing down the ache in your chest.

The pair of you stood wrapped in each other’s embrace at the airport, the rest of the world shut out. Pietro breathing in your familiar scent one last time. He didn’t need to hear you to know you were crying. It was taking everything in him not to cry too.

“Be good Bunny, don’t cause too much mischief with Loki and stay in touch. I love you my little Bunny” he said wiping the tears from your eyes. You couldn’t say anything, so you just held him tight and cried. When you finally broke the embrace and Pietro boarded. He wiped away the few tears that had escaped his eyes.

#pietro maximoff #pietro x reader #pietro x you #pietro fluff #bucky x natasha #wanda x vision #msmarvelwrites2k #marvel fanfiction #marvel au #avengers au

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anika-ann · 4 years ago

Text

The Winter Tale (S.R.)

(Of Snowflakes, Hard Fallings and Soft Landings)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!reader Word Count: 3900

Summary:

Scoring a date with Steve Rogers is not easy. One’s gotta be patient.

Fall might blend into winter before you get to go out with him, but know one thing; Steve Rogers makes things worth your while.

Warnings: swearing and tooth-rotting fluff (no really, it’s strong with this one, and it’s me saying that, so...)

A/N: Sequel to The Fall Tale, works as a standalone too I guess

The Fall Tale (previous one-shot)

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🤍❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

Fall was reluctantly letting winter take over, as it usually happened towards the end of November, and you were still painfully single. Technically at least, because you yet had Steve Rogers to take you out on your first date.

How was that possible? Glad you asked. It was because fate was a bitch, to put it eloquently. Steve had got your number with almost a scout’s-honour promise to call you soon, and then he didn’t. He lied. Like a liar.

To be fair, after three days of you being mad at the embodiment of truth and justice for all, Steve Rogers did call you, awfully apologetic and sounding truly regretful and either he was that good of a liar who even hired foreigners to be his alibi, or he really was on a market somewhere in Eastern Europe, catching his breath in a middle of a mission.

Being angry with him got considerably harder after that, especially since two days later, you read about a major showdown in his supposed current location and saw a brief footage of him protecting innocent civilians.

Because Steve damn Rogers just had to get more perfect.

The thing was, right after that mission, there was another one, this time lasting twelve full days. You were incredibly pissed at the circumstances – and maybe a little bit angry with Steve too – but mostly mad at the circumstances that didn’t want you to get romantically involved any time soon.

Sure, you could have just told Steve off, bid him goodbye and find someone else, but you couldn’t.

Because Steve tried his best to stay in contact whenever time and safety measures allowed it, texting, calling and on one precious occasion, even facetiming. And once he relaxed a bit – which seemed to be always happening rather soon into the communication, allegedly because you made him feel like a normal guy – Steve could be an entirely nice guy and you couldn’t make yourself let go.

Steve Rogers was kind, charming, witty, which was a cocktail you would never say no to, but on top of that, he was panties-dropping gorgeous. So even if the chances were that eventually, after the date actually happened, you might only end up like friends due to the immense distance between your league and his, you would feel like an idiot if you didn’t try to make it work, hence waiting for him to have a damn day off.

And you didn’t regret it; the date was totally worth the wait.

Yes, the weather sucked, so your clothes was perfectly damp just like your hair just from walking from your door to the cab due to the wildly swirling snowflakes, but Steve held the car door open for you, standing right there in the cold just to be a gentleman for you. He also reluctantly took your hand once inside the cab and even dropped a shy kiss on its back, his demeanour and bright blues reminding you exactly why you had been patient.

The restaurant was nice but not too fancy, which didn’t prevent Steve from opening doors for you, pulling out your chair, letting you order first and generally doing swoon-worthy things that made you feel both touched and aroused. The less posh environment didn’t make either of you feel bad for laughing and being entirely unsubtle, as the conversation varied from light to serious, laughter blending into chuckles and need to touch each other’s warmth for comfort. There was teasing, there was touching, there were unexpectedly dropped lines that made your heart flutter and there was inevitable falling deeper into the pit labelled ‘adoring Steve Rogers.’

“You really are going for the whole shebang tonight, aren’t you?” you teased him lightly when he helped you put on your coat and informed you that he made a reservation to a cinema.

The blush that crept up his neck caused you to feel even giddier than before. The wine you had both ordered might have not affected his brain as he had told you, but it had definitely coloured his cheeks rosy – and yet, now they grew even hotter.

“I mean, we don’t have to-- I don’t-“

You took his hand and squeezed, which shut him up effectively, his expression puzzled and hesitant.

“I would love to spent more time with you, Steve,” you assured him and he smiled sweetly as the cold air from outside caressed your face.

Your breath caught in your chest at the sight you were offered. Yes, New York never lasted long as a winter wonderland, but right now? Now it seemed almost magical as the freshly fallen snow proudly displayed its silvery white.

“Is the reservation paid?” you blurted out, your head snapping to Steve’s only to see disapproval on his face.

“I don’t want you to worry about that-“

“Not an answer.”

“… it’s not,” Steve replied, frowning a bit. “I wasn’t sure how long we would need for the dinner or if you’d even like to go. So… you don’t? Want to go?”

You wondered how Steve did not see the child-lie enthusiasm radiating off you with how perceptive he appeared to be so far. He missed it altogether, apparently, because he sounded disappointed.

It dawned to you that he didn’t get many chances to just go and see a movie and you instantly felt bad for rejecting something he kept his hoped up for.

You couldn’t have Steve sad, even if he was barely showing it. Not to mention that he had been treating you almost like a princess, you sure as hell wouldn’t treat him like you were the evil queen.

“Well, if you really do want to go, we can…”

He only shrugged his broad shoulders, charming a small smile for you.

“It’s up to you. I can cancel the reservation if you have something else in mind. Whatever to keep that beautiful smile on your face,” he offered and your stomach actually flipped as butterflies filled it for the hundredth time that day.

That was your thought exactly about him, but nope, of course he beat you to it and on top dropping a line like that, he was the embodiment of perfection when delivering it.

Steve looked so hot and adorable at the same time that you had to fight yourself not to jump to his arms and kiss him senseless. Pink plush lips, slightly red cheeks, gorgeous blue with a drop of green of his eyes twinkling and he wore such a kind expression that it made your heart simultaneously weep and race.

He kept complimenting you so effortlessly and was so considerate the whole evening too and you weren’t sure how much more you could take before you forgone all self-control and pinned him to the nearest wall; or casually confessed your undying love for him.

“Steven, you are a dangerous man. You should wear a damn warning,” you grumbled insetad, smiling so widely your mouth might actually tear.

He pursed his lips a bit, head tilted to side a fraction, looking like a confused kicked puppy.

Jesus, Steve, stop it or I’ll have to kiss you and I want you to kiss me, so please, be considerate of my lack of self-restraint.

“What did I do?”

“You’re being annoyingly perfect-“ oh now he was frowning hard, “-not like annoying annoying, but—you know. Just… I have a hard time believing this is actually happening. I really like you, Steve Rogers.”

The lines of his forehead smoothened out at your admission, his expression softening as did his gaze.

He helped you put on your gloves, fingers skimming over the first bare and then clothed skin tenderly, small sad smile playing in the corner of his lips.

His eyes met yours, the twinkle in his eyes you which already learned to love dimming. “Well, I did sort of make you wait for almost a month. Not so perfect. No warning needed.”

You had to physically fight yourself so you wouldn’t snort unattractively at the remark; yeah, the said waiting did nothing to protect your heart now. Sadly, your brain-to-mouth wasn’t fully functioning, still letting out more than it was appropriate for a first date.

“Steve, even with that, you’re making it very hard not to fall for you.”

Well, shit. The first admission had been playful. This one sounded pretty clingy. Now he was about to run off and think you a crazy girl-

But Steve didn’t. His face lit up with gratitude and affection and then a smirk found its way to his lips.

“That’s good to know. But I happen to recall a particular moment when you have already fallen-“

A surprised exasperated laughter erupted from your throat, and you actually had to gasp to gather both air and your wits. That little sh-

You yanked your hands free from his, raising your index finger towards his face.

“You know what, forget it, I’m taking it back!” you exclaimed, taking a pointed step back as Steve chuckled. “You are not perfect, you are a jerk and I think I should go home-“

“No, no wait-“ He reached out for you, but you took another step away, squinting at him playfully.

“I wanted to walk with you in the park, taking in the romantic sight of clean New York snow, but you know what? I don’t think I wanna anymore-“

Steve made a lunge for you and grabbed your hands, raising it to his face to drop kisses on your gloves- well, damn, now you regretted that he had so kindly put them on you.

“No, wait, doll, let’s walk. Unless you’re going to be cold-“

“There are some thermal microfibres in those tights or whatever, I won’t be,” you grumbled and he beamed as you unwittingly showed him that you weren’t really mad even despite his little-shit display earlier.

You said won’t be not wouldn’t have been and Steve appeared to be entirely content with you yielding so easily.

Well, damn it, it was really hard to keep up with Steve’s wits and humour; you loved it.

“Very well then. May I offer you a walk in the park, ma’am?” he said, holding out his elbow in invitation – the one farther from the road, of course, gentleman – and you chuckled, unable to help yourself.

“It was my idea, you know. Also, depends – are you going to be a jerk?”

“You wound me, miss,” he clutched at his chest theatrically, but definitely tugged you a bit closer when you slipped your arm through the loop of his own just in case you were about to change your mind when another of his jokes inevitably arrived.

“Sure I am.”

You barely made few steps without a word, when his gaze fixed on your face for long enough for you to get nervous.

“…what is it?”

He smiled, gently tugging at your joined arms, and looked you dead in the eye. “I really like you too.”

Oh. Oh. Okay. Where did all the oxygen go? And when did your heart started pounding so loudly in your chest?

“And for the record, I find it impossible not to fall for you.”

You lowered your gaze under the intensity of his, watching your feet walking in tandem as your cheeks burned and your head spun.

“A friggin’ warning,” you muttered under your breath darkly, drawing a breathy chuckle from Steve, followed by his ‘I mean it.’

Truth was, a warning wouldn’t have helped, probably. Because Steve Rogers was impossible not to fall for; but he was definitely worth it.

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🤍❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

You weren’t sure what possessed you; must have been the wine, lowering your inhibitions.

Once again, you couldn’t contain your child-like behaviour.

One moment, you were walking in the park, dim street lights causing the snow glow brighter, fluffy and pure, as not many people were here to disturb the peace. Even the city fell almost silent in the first snow’s honour, as if grateful for the good two inches it was given.

The next moment, you freed yourself of Steve’s warm hold and hurried from the path to gather enough of the wet delight to make a snowball – and hit the pole nearby streetlamp with a surprising precision.

You turned to Steve with a grin, finding him mirroring your expression and clapping, a sound muffle by his own thin gloves.

“Very good aim. I’m impressed,” he assured you and you curtsey for him like the child you were and went to try again.

Before you could finish making a perfect ammunition, three balls hit the very same pole in quick succession, causing you to gasp and swiftly turn to Steve – who winked at you with a shit-eating grin on his face.

It was a justified display of smugness, because he stood almost ten feet behind you, the distance from which he hit the pole actually impressive.

Wow.

“Show-off,” you called out silently, drawing a shrug from him. You went to try your aim again to settle the unofficial score and whined when you missed. “Okay, you win, Rogers.”

Steve, on the other hand, continued his strike and hit three more; you noticed him bending for more snow, making a quick and very dumb decision as an idea popped up in your mind.

As he was busy showing off his skills, you got your own two bullets ready and shot-- one of them did hit your target, which just happened to be Steve’s chest.

His mouth formed a theatrical ‘o’ and you couldn’t but double over in laughter despite missing with your next attempt.

“You didn’t!” he gasped, clearly genuinely shocked that you in fact had hit him with a snowball. “Now you’ll get it!”

In hindsight, you should have known that it was like waving a red cloth in front of a bull; you should have realized that Steve would take it as a challenge to a snowball fight.

And it was very obvious from the start that you stood no chance, even if he was blatantly holding back as you tried and failed to hide behind a bench, behind a tree and anything in your reach, your and his laughter carrying through the park as if you were damn children, both of you. You hadn’t felt so alive in years.

Steve however stepped up his game upon you hitting a point of him so high that some of the snow clearly got behind the collar of his coat. The hiss he let out and the flames in his eyes when they met yours after your perfect hit made you run away with all you got, your heart thumping in your ribcage frantically as you knew all too well that there was no escaping a supersoldier.

You tried and failed to speed up as you heard him closing in; perhaps it would be much easier to catch your breath to run faster if you weren’t laughing at the expression of pure shock that had been on Steve’s face when the snow tickled the sensitive skin of his neck.

A yelp escaped you as he grabbed you a tackled you to the ground, spinning you to he would take the brunt of the impact and only then he rolled you over – trapping you against the cold wet ground, making you squirm at the biting sensation on your own neck.

“No! No, Steeeeve,” you whined miserably, but your cheeks were hurting from the laughter and he was a solid mass on top of you to keep you warm, so you didn’t have any reason to complain. You in fact enjoyed the feeling and the intimacy of it a little too much, considering that this was still only your first date.

How? You felt like you knew him for months now; it was like having an unfairly handsome best friend you not-so-secretly had a crush on.

“You brought this upon yourself,” Steve exclaimed, grinning down at you and for the first time, it dawned to you that not only his torso way lying on you and that his hands were caging your head as he tried not to crush you with his weight, but also his gorgeous face with his tempting lips were in dangerous proximity to yours.

Dangerous to him – if he wasn’t careful, he might get kissed very soon.

You stared up at him, lost in the beautiful colour of his eyes and you were only mildly ashamed to find your gaze wandering down to his red lips.

“I—I suppose,” you whispered as your laughter died down, your breathing still heavy and only growing heavier with each second spent mesmerized by Steve’s face so close to yours.

“You suppose right,” he whispered back, voice slightly hoarser than a moment ago, his gaze roaming your face with intensity that had your heart stumbling in your chest. “This is a nice trip down the memory lane.”

“I-uhm… I remember it being the other way around.”

A smile grazed his mouth, still so damn tempting and you really found yourself barely noticing the snow melting into your clothes when—him.

“You complaining?”

You smiled right back when he lowered his head a fraction, so so painfully close you would barely have to move to finally taste his lips.

“Well, the snow is cold, but-- you know how it is… I had worse things happen to me than having a handsome fella land on me.”

Steve chuckled, the vibrations of his chest sending liquid fire through your veins, especially when his eyes seemed to brighten despite the dilatation of his pupils.

“You remember that, huh?”

“You kidding?” you mused quietly, wondering if Steve decided to torture you; if he wasn’t about to kiss you in the next thirty seconds, you might actually combust. His gaze was now more on your mouth than anywhere else and if you were honest, you might have been trembling with anticipation a bit. “That was the line, Steve. I thought you were so smooth.”

An inch. One damn inch, if not less of a distance remained between his lips and yours, practically touching, his radiating warmth and begging for yours to lick at their sweetness.

And yet, Steve still spoke, words you could almost taste: “What do you think now?”

“I think that I’d really like you to kiss me.”

This time, his lips brushed yours, a soundless ‘kay’ tickling deliciously, your eyelids fluttering shut.

Your hands automatically gripped the lapels of his coat, using them as leverage when he withdrew, giving you space to breathe and process what happened. Too bad you didn’t want to, you needed more right in that moment; you tugged at the fabric, chasing after his lips and lifting your head without even opening your eyes.

You could feel his smile as he kissed you again, lingering this time, a tender dance of lips, parted a fraction to breathe in each other’s air. Your head was spinning, your tummy tingly and you truly felt like you could fly, not even ashamed if Steve was grinning at your eagerness – he seemed pretty board on with continuing to kiss you too.

So you smiled back, happy to let him take the lead as long as he stayed-

A discontent hum rambled in your throat when Steve retreated again, even if he caressed your icy-cold nose with his, dropping a kiss there too to warm it up.

You met his eyes, heavy lidded, misted with emotion and you found yourself smiling wider.

“Can’t have you catch a cold, doll,” he rasped and before you realized what was happening, before you could as much as frown in confusion, a silent yelp left your throat as Steve rolled you over again, one arm secured around your waist, keeping you on top of him.

You might not be lying on the snow anymore, but your wet back was exposed to the cold night air now, which wasn’t much any better.

But you were too busy to care, because Steve lost one glove, cupping your cheek for a better angle and he sank his lips into yours again, causing you to see and feel the stars.

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🤍❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

If Steve walked you all the back to your apartment and you invited him in to dry off, only for him to end up spending the night, well, no one needed to know – even if you kept each other warm with nothing but tea and cuddling under the covers.

Whether things got a little more spicy than sweet in the morning… that was only for the two of you to know.

Either way, you decided that while the fall, early or late, had its serious downsides… you were willing to put up with it, because it had brought someone as amazing as Steve into your life.

Which got even more handy when you ended up catching cold from your snowy adventures.

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️BONUS❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

Blissfully wrapped in each other, not you nor Steve (which was more of a wonder) noticed two pairs of eyes focused on you and your shenanigans in the snow. Neither of you heard Bucky sigh under his breath either as he lowered the night-vision binoculars.

“Thank God, I thought for a minute that the punk wasn’t going to go for it,” he muttered under his breath, handing the device to his field partner.

Sam took one glance through the binoculars before rising his hand for a high five, which Bucky instantly complied with.

“With the way they eye-fucked in the restaurant, I would have to rip him a new one if he didn’t,” Sam stated.

“You’d have to get in the line behind me,” Bucky retorted, but grinned, truly happy for his friend.

“More like get ready for being ripped a new one,” a voice behind them opposed, causing both soldiers to nearly jump out their skin in surprise – and literally jump to their feet in fright, ready to face their enemy.

Their enemy seemed harmless to an untrained eye: the one and only Black Widow, watching them with her arms crossed on her chest and a raised eyebrow.

“We knew you were there,” Sam blurted out instinctively, earning an eyeroll from the redhead.

“Sure you did,” she scoffed and nodded in the direction of the pair still rolling over in snow in the distance. “Now that you know that Rogers still got some game, you going to stop stalking him or do I have to keep an eye on you?”

“Please. You were just curious as we were, otherwise you wouldn’t be here,” Bucky smirked and Natasha shrugged with one shoulder dismissively.

“Maybe. Maybe I just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t crash their date to ‘help’,” she said, taking care to make air quotes with the last word. “Now let’s get out of here. If you really want to help, you can start looking up some chicken soup recipes to cure her inevitable sniffles.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bucky replied dutifully with only an edge of irony, while trying hard to remember the recipe for the soup Mrs. Rogers or his ma used to cook back in the day when the always sickly Steve Rogers refused to take normal (disgusting) medicine.

The thought of Steve not being on the receiving end of that treatment and instead being the caretaker had his lips curl up in a smile.

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🤍❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

S.R. masterlist

💙❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️🤍❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️💙

Thank you for reading!

I don’t often write sequels to one-shots when asked, but inspiration struck this time (I went to a wedding and caught very mushy feelings). I hope you enjoyed. Don’t sent me your dentist bills, you’ve been warned.

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seokmingiggles · 4 years ago

Text

comfortable.

@gloryofroses19 requested on 201219: “Would you write a fluff Min Yoongi one shot where he’s crushing on Jimin and Taehyung’s fellow 95er best friend who’s birthday is 11 days before Taehyung’s (aka today), so she and Yoongi get together when he find her taking a break on a balcony at a surprise birthday party they threw for her (lying to her that it was for Taehyung) even though they know she hates the idea of being the center/doesn’t like making a big deal about her birthday?”

Pairing: Min Yoongi x female reader

Genre: fluff, friends to lovers(?), first confessions.

1.96k words

Warnings: some alcohol consumption.

At your surprise birthday party, you find yourself to be more enamoured by the musician accompanying you on your balcony than the happenings inside. Alternatively, where Yoongi has been waiting for the opportune moment to confess to you, unknowing that his feelings are mutual.

A/N: First of all, thank you for being my first request! I hope I’ve done your concept justice :) There are a couple of small details that I haven’t included, but the overall gist should be the same. I hope you enjoy it! And happy birthday if it’s anyone’s birthday who may be reading!

•• "I can't believe you two! This looks amazing. Thank you," Jimin beamed as he spun around to look at the array of decorations you and Taehyung had embellished his apartment with earlier that afternoon.

For Jimin's 25th birthday, you wanted to do something special. The boy was the biggest libra you knew—loving to host parties and social gatherings. While parties weren't typically your cup of tea, you and Taehyung knew that Jimin would appreciate the sentiment.

"I think we make a pretty good team, right, (Y/N)-ie?" Taehyung smiled back at Jimin's praise, patting your shoulder as he referred to you.

•

Only a couple of months later, you found yourself in a similar situation.

"Surprise!" A chorus of voices called out as you stepped into your apartment, Taehyung nudging you through the doorway as you were momentarily stunned.

"What's all this?" You forced a smile and directed the question to your tall friend beside you, slipping your shoes off and proceeding to remove your outerwear. You could already feel your face beginning to heat at all of the gazes directed at you.

Taehyung chortled, "It's for you, obviously. Happy birthday, (Y/N)-ie."

You had just been out for your annual birthday dinner with Taehyung and Jimin, your two best friends for many years. You should have suspected something when the elder suddenly stood from across the table shortly before he finished his meal, claiming he got an emergency text from his brother and had to leave right away. Really, the blond just wanted to make sure everything at your place was properly prepared before your arrival. Jimin picked up some last-minute snacks and drinks on his way to your apartment where everyone else was waiting patiently for your appearance.

You scanned the room around you. Where you'd normally have your comfortable, minimalist furnishings occupying the room, you found yourself standing before what had to be nearly a dozen people. You knew everyone here, that wasn't an issue. Instead, the matter was you simply didn't find joy in parties—even your own birthday party—despite the kind gesture from your two best friends who you knew put this gathering together out of love.

Your eyes landed on Seokjin, who was standing at your kitchen island having a conversation with Moonbyul and Sana; the two girls were laughing at something the eldest had said. Hoseok, Namjoon, and Nayeon, three you weren't completely familiar with, went to greet Taehyung behind you after wishing you a happy birthday. Mingyu and Jungkook were sitting on the sofa, each already with a drink in their hands. Yoongi sat in the armchair next to them; the youngest was beckoning you over to join them. As you were still a bit bewildered by the noise of the party, Jimin collected your hand and guided you to join him and the other three in the seating area.

Jimin took a seat on the floor after stealing a couch cushion to sit on, wanting to be close to the array of snacks organized on your coffee table. You figured it was because he had left the restaurant before he finished the last bits of his dinner (which Taehyung had no problem volunteering his stomach to handle the few remaining bites). You squished onto the end of the couch next to Mingyu, declining the offer of a drink that the boy held out to you as you sat down. Jimin accepted the drink on your behalf and the three gave a brief toast to you.

You eyed Yoongi for a moment. You knew him as a like-minded individual to yourself, in the sense that he also wasn't too fond of parties. Maybe that's why he was occupied with something on his phone. You noticed the slight pink tinge to his cheeks, likely from the beer, you considered, spotting the can on the side table next to him.

In reality, Yoongi was forcing himself to keep his eyes on his phone because he's sure he'd otherwise be caught admiring you. He already took in the pretty blush on the apples of your cheeks and the way you styled your hair nicely for your dinner with Jimin and Taehyung.

Yoongi didn't let himself have crushes very often, yet, he was unmistakably drawn to you. With your airy laughter and bright eyes and the most beautiful smile; how you'd appear lively even though he knew you were uncomfortable in party settings. Words couldn't encompass the effect you had on Yoongi. He was tongue-tied; smitten like a schoolboy having his first love.

He wanted to do something about his feelings for you, but he didn't know where to begin. Yoongi first met you through Taehyung when you were all back in college. He didn't know what to expect when the younger boy asked if he could bring his friend to Yoongi's piano recital later that spring but agreed nonetheless. Apparently, you were fond of classical music.

What was initially only some small talk at the end of the recital became a new acquaintance between the two of you. Sharing your favourite musicians and songs over coffee or the occasional study session after class happened naturally. Yoongi cherished the times you spent together during your studies. It was only natural for him to become disappointed when you drifted apart after graduation.

He thought that his feelings for you would subside from the distance created, but here he was in your presence once again, and it was like nothing had changed in his heart. He gulped down the last of his beer in an attempt to calm his senses.

•

Some playful conversation with your friends and a drink in you later, you found the heat radiating off your face becoming unbearable and decided to excuse yourself for a moment onto your balcony to regain your senses. For a one-bedroom apartment in the city, the balcony wasn't anything special to you. You typically didn't use it at all during the colder months of November to March, instead truly only utilizing it for the early summer sunrises that you had a front-row seat to.

Yoongi figured he must have done a poor job concealing his concern for you when Jungkook asked if he had too much to drink.

Yoongi just shook his head, muttering that he was fine as he watched you close the balcony door behind you.

"You should just tell her, hyung," Jimin had one hand on his full tummy and the other clutching a drink half-full, still sat on the floor. "Otherwise, nothing's going to keep happening between you two."

Yoongi tried to act like he was none-the-wiser of what the blond was talking about, only stopping his act when Jungkook interjected, "The least you could do is check if she's alright out there. Or maybe bring her a coat."

Yoongi wondered since when has Jungkook thought of good ideas? Especially after having a couple of drinks. The kid was more profound than he let on.

The nervous musician stood from the chair he'd been glued to thus far, wiping his clammy hands onto his jean-clad-thighs as he neared the balcony door after collecting your jacket. He told himself it was silly to be so anxious; he was only checking in on you.

Yoongi cleared his throat to prepare his voice from faltering, "Hey, are you feeling alright?"

You turned away from the cityscape to see him stepping outside, eyeing the bit of warm air escaping from inside as it became visible, mixing with the cool night atmosphere. The closed sliding door nicely muffled the overlapping voices and music from inside.

You nodded as Yoongi approached you, "I was getting a little bit stuffy inside. I'm good now, though. Crowds can wear me out after a while, especially in that small of a space."

"I'm the same way. I should've told those two to hold off on inviting so many people," the boy admitted. He briefly stood behind you to help you slip on the outerwear before taking a spot next to you by the railing.

"No, it's okay. I know how Taehyung and Jimin can get carried away when they plan something together. They were just excited and went overboard. Besides," you looked over your shoulder to peer past the door, "it looks like they're enjoying themselves, so it's all worth it."

The boy turned to look where your gaze was directed at, although he first admired the way your lips were tilted upwards as you watched your best friends dancing around in the living room with some of the other guests. Currently, Taehyung was trying to convince Seokjin to join him on the makeshift dance-floor between your furniture.

"This was supposed to be for you, though, (Y/N). It means nothing if you're not comfortable. If you're not enjoying yourself."

You turned your attention back to Yoongi, considering his point and then saying, "I'm comfortable. I feel comfortable out here with you, where it's much quieter other than the street noises below. You make me feel comfortable, Yoongi."

Despite the chilly December temperature, Yoongi's face never felt more warmed.

"You make me feel comfortable too, (Y/N)," he whispered. He saw your expression change as he spoke; you now looked genuinely content than how you were acting inside.

You maintained eye contact with the boy in front of you, taking in every feature on his face; the way his eyes looked in the moonlight, the small roundness of his nose, his cheekbones slightly flushed, his lips.

You'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't find Min Yoongi attractive. From the moment you first saw him, you had been entranced by his performance on the piano; and it grew every minute after. Beginning to learn more about him as a person just made your admiration grow stronger.

"Forgive me if I'm being too forward, but could I kiss you?"

Your eyes widened for a split second as you processed the words leaving Yoongi's mouth, but you found yourself nodding before you could verbalize your thoughts.

Yoongi brought his hand gently to the side of your face, grazing your hair out of the way before he leaned in to connect your lips. His hand was cold from standing outside, but his lips were hot; you relished in the feeling of moving your mouth against his. He tasted slightly of beer but smelled of vanilla and musk.

You finally parted but kept your bodies close. You noticed how your hand made its way to his arm while his other one was delicately resting on your waist.

"Was that okay?" Yoongi timidly asked, not removing his gaze from you, your noses barely brushing.

"That was wonderful, Yoongi. The best birthday present," you smiled up at him and wrapped your arms around his torso.

"I can think of something better," he began, taking in the cute tilt to your head as you questioned his thoughts. "How about I take you out for dinner later this week. Does Saturday night work for you?"

You hummed like you were in deep thought, earning a light chuckle from the boy in your arms. "Tomorrow? I'll agree to dinner on one condition."

"And what might that be?"

You smoothed your thumb against his side, suddenly taking an interest in the collar of his jacket, "Could you kiss me again on Saturday?"

Now Yoongi was the one to pretend to be in profound consideration, finally replying, "I guess you'll have to wait to find out. But the odds seem likely. I like you a lot, (Y/N)."

"Good," you giggled, pulling him closer into your embrace, "I like you too. Otherwise, that whole interaction would have been uncomfortable."

Yoongi squeezed you back and smiled at your words, already wanting to kiss you once more without waiting for Saturday.

••

#min yoongi #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi fluff #min yoongi imagines #yoongi #yoongi x reader #yoongi fluff #yoongi imagines #bts #bts x reader #bts imagines #bts fluff #request

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cilldaracailin · 3 years ago

Text

Love of my Life

Hello my Tumblr lovely’s

Wow! Thank you so much for all the love and comments and support on the first part of this story. Just so lovely to see and read and so appreciated. (Especially as my motivation is on holidays at the moment for the next one but we won’t talk about that yet. I will get there. Also I need to knit some baby’s cardigans for my friend who is due a baby in November and they need to be done by September 25th as we have an afternoon tea planned.. so I need to get working on them and maybe I will be in a story place then...)

Anywhoo, here is the next part to this story. Mentions of hospitals, injuries, some anxiety and all the things you normally find with my stories as always.

Hope you all enjoy :)

Suze xx

P.S I don’t know Taron and it’s all just a story.

“Never lose hope. Storms make people stronger and never last forever.”

With the paramedic’s gone, Robyn held tight onto her ticket and walked through the waiting area to find a seat to sit on, trying to get one near the back and once settled, made sure Beth was comfortable on her lap, cuddled right into her chest, feeling a chill to her skin as she wrapped her arms around her. Robyn moved so she could take off her blazer and laid it carefully over Beth’s upper body, settling her again. She then picked up her phone and called Emma, who told her Margaret had been in contact with her, telling her there was a massive tail back and she was going to be delayed getting to the hospital.

“That would be the reason why me and Beth are sitting in A&E. There is a huge pile up on the road she will have to take to get here from Wicklow.”

“She said she is going to try and take the back roads.”

“Well it looks like we have a bit of a wait here.”

“And Beth?”

“Ok for the moment.” Robyn looked down to her as she cosied up against her, the octopus still in her hand. “We will just have to wait.”

“Keep in contact with me and maybe you keep in contact with him? Try him again.”

With a roll of her eyes, Robyn ended the call and closed her eyes. Glad that Beth for the moment wasn’t in any pain, it gave her some time to collect her thoughts. She was definitely rattled no doubt about it and naturally with how the circumstances of Beth’s accident were so similar to Taron’s, it was hard not to let her thoughts drift. Taking out her phone again, she dialled Penny’s number, the therapist giving it to her after their first session but it went straight to her voice mail. Robyn hung up without leaving a message and sighed. It was typical. When she tried to look for help and openly looked for it, it couldn’t be found. The two people she wanted to talk to were busy and as Robyn pocketed her phone, squishing it beside her keys, hugged Beth a little tighter to her.

“My mammy?” She heard her say quietly.

“She is on the way darling. Might be a little late as there is a lot of traffic but I am not going anywhere.”

Four hours later still sitting on the horribly hard seats in A&E, Robyn was still waiting for their number to be called, Beth now asleep on her lap. She still hadn’t heard from Taron and she sat and silently fought her emotions. Using breathing tactic’s Penny had shown her, how to turn her anxiety into positive thinking, Robyn concentrated on her wonderful memories from last weekend, a smile on her lips as she focused on how happy Taron had been, how much fun they had on the beach and at Mari’s party and was concentrating so hard on not falling apart, that she missed her number being called and the person sitting beside her nudged her.

“It’s your turn.” The kind elderly woman said to her.

“Oh thanks.” Getting to her feet, Robyn had her purse in her hand, Beth in her arms and made her way towards the nurse who had called number sixty-eight. The little girl stirred in her arms but Robyn gently spoke to her, explaining the doctor was going to see her now. Her mother was still stuck in the traffic, calling Robyn herself but Margaret was so thankful to hear her daughter was ok, even more that Emma had offered to take David, Beth’s little brother for the evening so Margaret could get to the hospital and not miss his pick-up. Walking towards the nurse, Robyn was so glad to be finally getting somewhere. Although Beth was asleep, she had been mumbling and moving and Robyn was sure the pain killers were wearing off.

“Number sixty-eight?” The nurse asked shortly.

“Yep that’s us.”

“Ticket?”

Robyn looked to the nurse her eyes wide. “Ticket?”

“Yes I need to see your ticket.”

With her hands full, Robyn had no idea where she had put the ticket. “I am sorry, I don’t know where it is.”

“No ticket?” The nurse said placing her hands on her hips. “We have policy here.”

“I am sure you do but this little girl was rushed in by ambulance and we have been waiting our turn.”

“I need your ticket.” The nurse said firmly.

That positivity Robyn was trying hard to hold onto was very quickly slipping away and now with a missing ticket and no idea what to do next, thinking her only option was to speak to the receptionist behind the glass.

“Dear…” Robyn turned around when she heard a soft voice behind her, the elderly woman who had been sitting beside her slowly came walking towards her. “Your ticket was on your chair.”

Robyn thanked the lady and changing Beth’s weight onto one arm, took the ticket and handed it to the nurse. “My ticket.” She said, so tired already of the attitude of the nurse, who snapped it from her hand, Robyn holding Beth with two arms again.

“Robyn…”

“Yeah chicken. I am right here.”

“My arm hurts again.”

“I know darling. We are just ready to go and see the doctor.” Robyn took some steps towards the nurse who had yet to move. “Ticket’s ok?”

“Are you her mother?”

“Sorry?”

“Are you her mother?” The nurse asked again.

“Well no. I am not her mother.”

“And her mother or father are where?”

“Her mother is stuck in the traffic on the way here.”

“Her father?”

“Not here.” Robyn answered curtly.

“I am sorry but you cannot come in with her.” The nurse said reaching forward to take Beth, but Robyn stepped back. “You are not a blood relative, you cannot come with her.”

“Seriously?”

“We have hospital policy to follow.”

“I am the only one who is here with her.”

“And you are?”

“I work in the creche she attends.”

“So not her mother.”

Robyn gripped Beth tighter to her, feeling her cuddle into her. “As I already explained to you, no I am not her mother. She was in accident in creche this morning and I came with her in the ambulance because like I said, her mother was working and is now stuck in traffic trying to get here.”

“Only family can go with her. You can’t go. Give her to me.” The nurse moved and actually tried to take Beth, but Robyn turned around, protecting the little girl with everything she had. “Oh come on now. This is just being childish.”

Robyn looked over her shoulder, feeling already on edge with angered emotions ready to burst. “I can’t go but you want to take the four-year-old from the only person she knows in this hospital and leave her with a stranger and sit in strange room with a doctor examining her when she is already terrified. I don’t think so. I would rather pull another ticket and wait thanks very much.” She turned on her heels and walked away. “You may as well call the next ticket. She goes nowhere without me.”

“Lucy, where is my next patient?” A young male doctor walked through the double doors behind the nurse. “I have been waiting a while and we have a busy A&E to catch up on now we are finally through the patients from the accident.”

“I am just working on it Doctor Flanagan.” The nurse called Lucy turned back towards the waiting room. “So ticket sixty-nine.”

The doctor walked forward and stood next to the nurse. “Sixty-eight not here?”

On hearing her ticket number, Robyn turned on her heels and took in the deep brown eyes of the doctor. “Oh I am ticket sixty-eight but apparently because I am not related to the little girl in my arms, I am not allowed come in with her so I am just waiting until the policy changes because I am sure you can understand, I am not leaving her alone.” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm and her obvious anger and she turned away, making her way back to where she had been sitting.

“Hey wait.” The doctor followed Robyn and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Little girl? Hardly the one who Gavin brought in by ambulance earlier?” He saw the slightest nod of her head. “I am so sorry about the wait. That accident just monopolised our time. I was supposed to see you when you arrived. Please come through now with me. I am Doctor Flanagan. George Flanagan. Lucy, the next ticket can be taken by Doctor Rhodes. I will look after this one. Please follow me.”

Without any words, Robyn took the same path as the doctor and blanked the nurse, continuing on through the open doors which were held for her. Finally out of the waiting area, Robyn followed the doctor down the corridor, that hospital smell hitting her nose, once again her mind drifting back to Florida as she sat in the hospital for those few minutes with Taron. It was as if her feet were on auto pilot and she nodded her thanks to the doctor as he held open the door of one of the examination rooms for her, closing it behind her.

“I am sorry again for the wait. Unfortunately, we never know what could come our way and that accident has just really set us back.” The doctor gestured to the bed for Robyn to sit and took his own chair. “So we have one brave little girl here.”

Robyn explained what had happened that morning, how Beth’s mother was stuck in traffic from the accident earlier and Doctor Flanagan had been much more understanding of Robyn’s situation with Beth and didn’t even try to move her from Robyn’s lap, but rather spoke to her, asking her normal questions about creche and her friends and while he was doing so, was doing a visual check over of her. Happy with what he had seen so far and now that Beth was talking to him, he knew he could ask Robyn to get her to lay down on the bed.

“Beth I just want to check your arm.”

Robyn made sure to sit at Beth’s legs giving the doctor the space he needed to work, again memories of sitting alongside Taron as her doctor’s in Kilcreen filling her. Trying to keep a picture of Taron’s gorgeous smile in her face, she listened to the Doctor as she spoke so softly to Beth.

“Well I think you are one very lucky girl.”

“I am like Taron!” Beth grinned.

The doctor looked to Robyn and waited a few seconds for an explanation as to who Taron was. “He is a friend of mine. Got in a bad accident last year. I happened to be there and helped him. Beth is a fan.” She gave the little girls knee a squeeze.

“Taron named the octopus wyth. He is Welsh.” She held up the Octopus who had been turned around to the happy face once she was settled on the bed.

Robyn would have rolled her eyes except the way Beth gushed over Taron was absolutely adorable and to be honest, she happily gushed over him many a time too.

“Well I can see that.” The doctor grinned. “That’s a very cute octopus and you are definitely a very brave little girl.” He turned to Robyn. “I am going to give her some more pain killers but that arm is going to need to be x-rayed. You can go with her to the x-ray but won’t actually be able to go in with her. I will get one of the nurses to bring her in.”

“Once it isn’t Lucy.” Robyn said, an edge to her voice.

“I will get one of the paediatric nurses to come. She can walk down with you.”

“Thank you.”

“You can wait outside for her. Then the nurse will bring you to the family room to wait with Beth. I am afraid there is a bit of a backlog on x-rays too.”

“No that’s ok. Once she isn’t in any pain and hopefully her mother should be here soon.” Robyn looked at her watch. Now just after half-four, Robyn really hoped Margaret was close to the hospital. Although she wasn’t going to leave the little girl alone, she was tired and really wanted to try and call Taron again.

“Well when she does arrive, she can come straight through.”

After the doctor had managed Beth’s pain, he called the paediatric unit, asking for one of their nurses to come down to him and then turned to Robyn, seeing the young woman in front of him holding herself straight, almost too straight, an obvious fatigue on her soft features, deep circles under her eyes. “You’ve had a tough day.”

Robyn nodded. “I am really getting used to it to be honest but once she is ok that is all that matters to me.”

“She will be. You need anything? Have a headache?” The doctor asked kindly.

“Nah I am good. Just tired.” She saw the look on the doctor’s face. “A small one. It has been a very busy week at work. I have been doing the job of three staff members. We are bit short staffed and this morning was hard for me. Too close to home.” She offered no more information, seeing an understanding in the doctor’s eyes.

“Mind if I take a look?” He asked coming a little closer to her. “You look a little pale.”

“Not at all.”

Robyn sat still, letting the doctor give her a quick examine, her hand on Beth’s leg the whole time, keeping contact and support there for her. She followed the instructions of the doctor as he completed a few tests on her, checking her pulse, shining a light in her eyes, checking her heart beat and even slipping her arm into a blood pressure cuff.

“Your blood pressure is quite low but your heart is racing.” The doctor said as he listened to her chest again. “And you said you were tired?” He reached out to take her right hand in his free left one. “Cold hands too.”

“My hands are always cold.” Robyn answered. “And it has been a very emotional day and a Friday after an extra-long week of work. I am normally tired by the end of the week.”

“You feeling more tired than usual though? Finding things you normally get through easily, difficult? Or just that you tire more easily when before you still had lots of energy?”

Robyn slowly nodded. “Well I guess. I mean I went to visit Taron last weekend and had a swim in the sea and normally I wouldn’t get tired after a few strokes but did struggle a bit.”

The doctor nodded. “Keep an eye on this Robyn.” He said as he wrapped his stethoscope around his neck. “I know working a full week naturally will leave any person tired but extra tiredness over simple tasks is always the start of an illness. If it keeps up, go to your local GP. Get some blood tests done. You seem like a person we need to keep around.”

Robyn gave a small smile and half nod.

“Want me to give you something for the headache?”

Robyn shook her head. “Nah, I will be ok. I know it is probably because I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast too. I will be fine.”

The doctor was about to reply to her, but Robyn turned her head as the examination door opened, a pretty little nurse walking in with a pixie cut and large brown eyes, interrupting them.

“Hey George. Heard you need an escort to x-ray.”

“Sure do Livy.” The doctor turned to Beth who was holding the octopus to her, the plush now turned back to the sad frown. “This is Beth and Robyn.” He gestured to both in the room with him. “And Beth is the bravest little four-year-old I know.”

Livy walked over to the bed and gave Beth a smile. “I like your octopus.”

“His name is wyth. He is Welsh.”

Livy grinned. “What a great name. So I hear me and you and Robyn get to go to x-ray together.”

“Robyn is coming.”

“Of course she is.” Livy answered immediately.

“And wyth.”

“Definitely. We can’t leave him behind.” She moved into the spot the doctor had left to stand beside the little girl. “So you going to walk with me?” Beth hesitated, the nurse picking up on her reluctance and crouched down a little so she could look at the little girl in her eye. “And do you know that after an x-ray you not only get a sticker but I am sure we could find some ice cream too.”

Beth’s whole face lit up at the words ice cream. “And some for Robyn too?”

“Sure why not.”

“Ok.”

With some help, Beth got up from the bed and once on her feet, reached out for Robyn’s hand and holding it tight, walked with the nurse towards x-ray. Robyn thought it was going to take a lot of coaxing to get her into x-ray but she took a quick liking to the nurse, chatting away with her the whole walk down the hallway and in the lift and she even handed the octopus over to Robyn so she wouldn’t be alone as she waited for them.

“We will be really quick.” The nurse said to Robyn as she held Beth’s hand. “In and out and then I will bring you to the family waiting room.”

Robyn paced the floor outside the x-ray, ignoring the looks of people who were waiting their turn, some of them frowning her way as Beth was taken in before them, keeping her eyes on the floor, the octopus tight in her hands. She jumped when her phone rang and she dropped the octopus, pulling her phone from her pocket, her heart sinking when she saw it was Emma calling her, and not Taron.

“Robyn. Hey.”

“Hi Emma.” Robyn said as she picked up the plush from the ground.

“I have just been off the phone with Margaret. She should be with you in the next twenty minutes. Finally got around the traffic.”

“That’s great. Thanks Emma. Beth has just been brought into x-ray. The doctor gave her the all clear apart from her arm.”

“Brilliant. I also had that chat with Jade and Lisa and I have made them remove the shelf from the room. Believe me, next time you ask them to do something, it will be done.”

“Thanks Emma.” It was a relief for Robyn to know she wouldn’t have to re-visit that talk with the staff, knowing she really would blow a fuse if she had to do it.

“So you hear from Taron?” Emma asked casually.

“Yeah. He sent me a quick text but nothing else yet. He will call me back when me back when he can. I also gave Penny a call too but she was busy. I will try her again this evening.”

“I am so proud of you Robyn. Really trying to let others in.”

Robyn kept walking up and down as she spoke to Emma. “Doing my best. Emma I am going to go. Just in case Margaret calls me.”

“Yeah sure. She knows I am taking David home with me this evening so she doesn’t need to worry about rushing back to Kilcreen.”

“Well hopefully once we get these x-rays back we will know what the story is with Beth and can go from there. Probably another bit of a wait though.”

“Just keep in contact with me.”

“Will do.”

Robyn was sure she was wearing a hole in the floor but for her it was better than sitting again in another hard chair and she turned when she heard her name called, seeing Margaret running her way, her face flushed with worry. She was greeted with a hug, Robyn taken back at the gesture but hugged Beth’s mother back.

“Thank you so much.” Margaret said into her shoulder. “I swear Robyn, you are an angel.”

Robyn chuckled. “Now I wouldn’t say that.” She let Margaret go. “Beth is fine. Few bumps and bruises, maybe a broken arm but the doctor checked her over and she is fine. No concussion or any other serious injuries.”

“I cannot thank you enough.”

“You don’t have to. It’s my job.”

Margaret placed both her hands on Robyn’s shoulders. “You do more than your job Robyn. You love and care for each of those children as if they are you own. My daughter idolises you and at his rate I wouldn’t trust anyone else with her.”

“Mammy!”

Robyn and Margaret turned as Beth walked out of the x-ray room, the little girl taking to run straight into her mother’s arms. Robyn stepped back to let them have their moment, coming to stand beside the nurse as she motioned to her.

“It will take an hour or so before we get those x-rays back. You are all more than welcome to go and wait in the family room. It is just down to the left and when the results come through I will come and find you. I am guessing that is her mother.” Robyn nodded. “Brilliant. Doctor Flanagan asked me to let him know when she arrived too. If you want to head on down Robyn, I will take Beth and her mam to the doctor and then bring them back.”

“Sure.”

After explaining where she was going and where she would be waiting, Robyn watched Margaret and Beth follow the nurse back to the doctor’s office while she made her way towards the family waiting room. Dropping herself into the chair, so glad to see it had a bit more softness to it, Robyn let her whole-body sink into the seat, her eyes closing. She had put her phone, keys, purse and the octopus on the seat beside her and now finally having her hands empty was able to run her hands down her face, feeling some of the tension leaving her but that was only replaced by those building emotions she had been feeling since earlier that morning.

“He is ok. He is ok.” She muttered to herself, her hands now in her hair. “Just a coincidence and Beth is fine. Taron is fine.” She reached out to grab her phone and called him, her hand shaking a little as she held the phone against her ear. Hearing his voice mail just wasn’t enough for her and she cancelled the call, not bothering to leave a message this time. She just had to be patient and wait for him to call her. She tried Penny again and with a frustrated sigh, dropped her phone down onto the seat. She was told she needed to open herself up, to talk, to be willing to talk but why did it seem the universe was giving her a sign that was a stupid thing to do.

“Robyn!”

She looked up to see Beth running towards her, her mother on her heels. “Well hello you.”

“Doctor George gave me a sticker and I got one for you and wyth too. Mammy didn’t want one.”

“Well thank you. That is so kind of you.” She forced a smile on her face as Beth put the sticker onto her blouse.

“Doctor George said I was the bravest little princess he had ever met.” She beamed, picking up the octopus and giving it a sticker too.

“Well I already knew that chicken.”

Beth with some help from her mother sat on the seat beside Robyn. “We have to wait for my x-rays.”

Robyn nodded. “Of course.”

“Robyn you don’t have to stay.” Margaret reached over to place a hand on her shoulder. “Thank you so much for all you have done but why don’t you head home. It has been a long day for you and not an easy one I am sure.”

Robyn shook her head no. “If you don’t mind, I think I would like to stay, just to make sure everything is ok with her.”

“Robyn really…”

“I am happy to stay. I need to stay.”

While it was so obvious having her mother around really soothed Beth, knowing Robyn was staying too made the little girl happy, and she played with the octopus who now had his happy face back, while they waited for the nurse to come back with her x-rays.

Just after six, Robyn’s phone rang and picking it up, her whole heart lifting as she saw Taron’s name in the screen. She excused herself and left the waiting room, answering the phone once she was out in the corridor.

“Robyn!”

“Hey Taron.”

“Sweetheart I am sorry I literally have a minute but wanted to return your call.” It wasn’t the response she had been hoping for or needed but she could hear the apologetic tone in his voice and just hearing his deep tones, was a start. “Robyn, you there?”

“Yeah I am here.”

“So you’ve had a shit day yeah?”

“Yeah something like that.”

“Robyn I am so sorry I don’t have time to chat but…”

She interrupted him quickly. “Look, I know you are working this weekend and it is night shoots and such short notice and it is ok if this isn’t ok but I was wondering if I could come and see you and come today, well later on today.”

“Robyn…”

“I know it’s awkward because you are working.”

“Robyn…”

“I would like to come up this evening and again it is such short notice but I really would just like to…”

“Robyn!” Taron’s voice was a little louder, but enough for her to stop speaking. “You know you are welcome to see me whenever you want. I will text you the address of the set. Come straight over Robyn.”

His next words were goodbye and see you soon and Robyn ended the call feeling no better but knowing he was happy for her to go and see him, that meant a lot to her at the moment. Leaning against the wall, Robyn felt overly warm suddenly, her previous headache increasing to a pounding now.

“Robyn?” She looked up to see Livy standing beside her. “You ok? You have gone terribly pale.”

“Yeah I am fine thanks. Just been a difficult day.”

Livy gave her a nod. “I can understand that but has had a very positive outcome. Beth’s arm only has a small little break. We will pop it in a cast and it should heal as good as new in six weeks or so.”

“I am so glad to hear that.”

“Come on in with me and we can share the good news with the family.”

Once Livy had explained the results of the x-ray, how Beth’s arm would be fixed into a cast, Robyn decided now it was time for her to go. Happy Beth was going to be fine and seemed to be delighted with getting her cast, Robyn said her goodbyes, accepting many hugs before she left. Collecting her belongings, she made her way out of the hospital, looking for her car but only remembering the row, she ended up walking around the whole carpark until she found it.

“Fucking hell.” She cursed as she unlocked the car and got in, dropping everything onto her passenger seat, including her octopus which thankfully she managed to talk Beth into giving back to her. It was something she was not willing to part with, the octopus turned back to his frown, Robyn herself switching it back as she searched for her car. Now near seven, her mind was set on one thing.

To get to Taron.

Getting google maps going on her phone, she popped in the address Taron had texted her and with a journey of nearly two hours ahead of her, Robyn headed out of the hospital and straight onto the motorway that would take her to Belfast. She battled with the idea of going back to Kilcreen first but that would have added an extra hour each way onto her journey and that didn’t include packing a bag so made the choice to just head to Belfast as she was, hoping Taron didn’t mind sharing his things with her.

As she drove, the long boring drive down the motorway gave her mind plenty of time to start over thinking and over think she did and was finding it so hard to pull the positive thoughts through that she had to pull in, picking a busy service station at Banbridge before she got herself into an accident.

The late night cold fresh air did nothing to help her over heated body as she stood outside the car and Robyn took her hands away from the roof of the car, her mind still thinking through her horrible morning, now running her hands through her loose hair, looking down to her blouse which was blood stained from Beth, the sticker still stuck onto the silk material. Cursing to herself, she had nothing to change into and needed to use the bathroom before she kept on her journey towards Taron. Climbing back into the car, she dragged her blue blazer back out to put on, closing the buttons, while fixing the white shirt to try and hide as much of the red spots as she could. She then stretched back in to get her phone, making sure to grab her purse and keys from the car before she managed to lock them in the car. Scrubbing at her eyes, they were tired and sore and her head was splitting from the stress of the day. While she was with Beth, she was distracted and busy but now it was just her and so easy to get caught inside her head. Her headache which had begun as she paced in the hospital was still there and it had only gotten worse as she sat stuck in traffic, cursing the Friday evening bumper to bumper line up she was driving in and with nothing to drink or eat, she felt a little light headed, routing through her glove box for a secret stash of chocolate bar or packet of jellies. Coming up empty, she had to make do with putting two chewing gum into her mouth, hoping the tiny dose of sugar would perk her up.

It wasn’t meant to be though and standing up, she had to grab the open door tight as she felt her head spin, a horrible spell of dizziness hit her, black spots appearing before her eyes and she lost her balance for a moment, leaning against the car door, the silver door swinging open fully. It took a few seconds before she felt she could try to stand up straight, still holding onto the car door with shaking hands. Once the black spots were gone, she took her time, breathing in the fresh air around her. Looking down she realised she dropped her belongings, not even remembering hearing them fall on the ground and carefully bent down to pick them up, worried another dizzy spell was going to hit her but as she stood up straight, the only thing that still hurt was the headache that had settled at the back of her head. Groaning, she closed the car door, locking it and making sure to check the car park, before she moved, headed towards the garage, her mind still thinking through the day.

She walked slowly across the petrol station’s car park, looking up the sky and sighed. It was drizzling with rain not that it bothered her but she was getting slightly wet and as fast as she could, made her way from the car towards the shelter of the shop. She had parked in the furthest spot away from the station, needing the space around her, feeling slightly caged in after being stuck in her car as she drove down the motorway, her mind whirling. She fumbled with her phone and keys, dropping her keys again, the noise jangling loud on the ground. She bent down to pick them up, the thumb of her left hand swiping the screen of her phone as she stood up, her screen saver a picture of her and Taron at his premier staring back at her. Locking her phone, so she didn’t see the picture any more and Robyn wrapped her arms around herself, heading into the petrol station, going straight for the bathroom.

The walk through the petrol station seemed to take forever and it was no wonder as the bathrooms were at the very end of the large service station. Finally seeing the female sign on the black door, Robyn pushed it open with two hands and locked herself into the last cubicle. Putting the toilet seat down, she took a seat and placed her head into her hands, taking some deep breathes. She thought back to her short phone call with Taron and knew he was worried at her message and so apologetic that his return call took so long, even more so that it was going to be so short. He was in such a rush but Robyn cut him off straight away with a question, just asking him right out if it was ok if she went to see him. Running her hands through her hair again, she was so relieved he didn’t want an explanation, happy to just say yes.

After using the toilet in the service station, Robyn walked to the sink and once she had washed her hands, splashed some water on her face. She hadn’t heard any more from Taron except a text with the address of where he was filming and she had already typed that in google maps, so she knew where she was going. He started work at seven and now just before nine, Robyn’s journey to Belfast had been a slow one thanks to traffic and her own bubbling nerves and feelings.

Robyn leaned her hands on the sink in the bathroom, closing her eyes as her head spun again, this time the world spinning behind her closed eyes. The pain in her head increased for a few seconds as she faltered on her feet again, gripping the marble sink top until she felt steady. Moaning at the pain in her head, she was dreading the rest of her journey but had come so far now and needed to get to Taron no matter how long it took her. Glancing in the mirror, there was a horrid tiredness on her face that hadn’t been there that morning but she wasn’t surprised after her day.

Robyn took her time leaving the bathroom at the service stop, concerned about her two dizzy spells but now that they had passed, it was her headache that was causing her pain. Never one to get a headache, Robyn was so uncomfortable with the constant pounding in her head and before she left the petrol station bought some paracetamol and bottle of water, praying two would at least ease the ache. Once back in her car, she swallowed two of the tablets and drank the water, not stopping until the bottle was empty. Letting her head lean against the head rest, she closed her eyes. It would only take about half an hour to finish her journey to Taron but she felt like she just needed a quick nap before she started to car again, her whole body exhausted. Lifting her right elbow she used it to tap down the lock of the car. Taron knew she was coming but with their quick minute conversation, he really had no idea why or at what time, just that she was on her way to him. Crossing her arms over herself, she sank down a little in her seat and tried to get somewhat comfortable, praying the pain killers she took would work quickly for her.

Robyn woke with a start, her breathing fast as she took her in surroundings, remembering she was in her car, still parked in the service station. The loud heavy rain battered against the windows and the sound had woken her up, along with a slightly bad dream of watching a terrified Taron being wheeled away from her in the hospital in Florida. Checking her watch, it was just after eleven and she rubbed her eyes, taken back at how long she had slept. Looking out the front window, the station was still busy, cars pulling in and out and she groaned as she brought her hands to her head, the headache still there but now it had moved to behind her eyes and the tablets she had taken seemed to have had no effect on it. She fumbled around for her phone on the passenger seat, shivering a little with the cold in the car and finding her keys, started the car and turned the heat on full, then looking for her phone. She had a missed call, two texts and voice mail from Taron.

“Hey Robyn. I have told the security that you are coming up this way so you can just walk on through to me. I am always here for you chicken and ready and waiting with a long squishy hug. Hope this was long enough of a voice mail with some Welsh tones for you. See you soon.”

With the car slowly heating up, Robyn was concerned the heat would make her tired, so she turned it off and rolled down her window, feeling the rain on her skin. Clicking into her maps on her phone, she set up the directions for the remainder of her journey, hoping she had enough data left to make the drive. She had driven into Northern Ireland before but never so far, usually getting the train if she wanted to go to Belfast so needed to helpful directions to get her where she needed to go. With only a street address, she figured Taron was filming exactly where he had text her. She got her phone set up in the holder on the windscreen and once she had pulled her seatbelt on, checked she was clear to move off, thankful she was more than halfway to seeing Taron. She definitely needed that hug and had a lot to get off her chest.

The voice on maps brought her on the ring roads around Belfast and into a much quieter part of the city and as she came into a cosy housing estate, she had to make two U-turns as her way was blocked off. Realising she had come to the edge of the closed set, decided to find a place to park, which was quite difficult in the dark and she had no idea of the area. Eventually she parallel parked into a small space around the corner from where she had made the second U-turn and once she had locked the car, shoved her keys into her pocket and walked towards the blocked off area. Still raining, though not as heavy as it had been, she brought her octopus with her, knowing it was all she needed to give to Taron for him to know something had happened, though she was pretty sure he knew that already. She followed the blockade around, seeing some bright flood lights ahead and underneath them, a small hut with two people inside. After midnight, there was no one else around and as Robyn approached the entrance to set, the two guards came out to greet her.

“Evening.” One said politely. “I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to go back the way you came. This area is all closed. Unless you have a residents pass of course.”

Robyn shook her head. “No resident’s pass. My name is Robyn Quinn?” She said cautiously, not too sure if these were the security Taron had mentioned to her but as she saw the first guard look to the second and then to a clipboard in his hands, she was sure she was in the right place.

“Robyn?” The guard asked again. “Got some ID on you?”

“Yeah of course.” Robyn opened her purse and pulled out her driving license, handing it over to the guard, who double checked the photo and then gave it back to her.

“So you are Robyn.”

“Yep, that’s me.”

“Taron told us you would be heading this way.” The guard gave her a smile. “I have a pass for you.” He took three steps back to the small hut and came back out with a black lanyard, a blue rectangular pass attached to it. He handed it over to her. “Please wear this at all times when on the set. Lets us know who you are and that you are full access to all areas in set.”

Robyn took the pass and looking at it was so surprised to see her photo on it, along with her name. She placed it around her neck and looked back to the guard, so unsure of what she was to do next.

“If you would just wait here for a few minutes. I will give the directors assistant a call who can bring you onto the set.” The guard explained to her.

“Sure no problem.”

The rain was still spitting a little and Robyn felt a shiver run through her, along with another quick spell of light headedness and she closed her eyes, until it passed, hoping the two guards didn’t see her wobble a little before she found her footing. She held the octopus tight in her right hand, trying to keep herself together, praying she could keep her composure even after she saw Taron but now knowing she was so close to him, she felt dead on her feet and with a new tiredness filling her whole body, she just wanted a squishy hug and then to sit down.

“And you must be the famous Miss Quinn.”

Robyn turned on her heels to see a man coming towards her behind the barrier carrying a large umbrella. He had a friendly face, his own lanyard around his neck and as well as the umbrella he carried a light grey rain coat which looked very familiar to Robyn.

“It is so nice to finally meet you.” The man held out his hand. “I am Joe. I am Matthew’s assistant.” He lightly shook Robyn’s hand. “Taron is currently on set filming but he asked me to greet you and bring you to him. He also asked me to give you this. Said you wouldn’t have a jacket.” Joe handed over the raincoat to her, his head tilting a little. “I guess he was right.”

Robyn reached out and took the coat from him, remembering Taron throwing it into his case less than a week ago and the frown she gave him as she folded it for him. It was light but completely water proof and Robyn was thankful for the extra layer of protection from the miserable weather that had yet to lift. “Thank you and I am Robyn but you know that. It is nice to meet you. Taron has mentioned a Joe once or twice when I have been speaking to him about set.” She rolled the sleeves up twice and pocketed her belongings, but kept the octopus out, the plush a little damp from the rain.

Joe gave her a large smile. “Is it ok to say he has definitely mentioned your name more than once.”

Robyn couldn’t help but smile back, a genuine smile on her lips, the first all day. “Yeah that’s ok.”

Joe laughed a little. “Right well do you want to come on with me?”

“Sure thank you.”

Finally getting past the barrier, Robyn followed the director’s assistant, thanking him again as he gave her shelter from the rain with the umbrella. Looking around, there was nothing to say it was a movie set to her, nothing out of the ordinary like she had seen in New York, the road they were walking down, a normal housing estate. It wasn’t until she turned the corner that she saw the rigs and cranes for the camera’s, the tracks on the ground for the cameras to run on and the number of people around, all bundled up against the rain.

“The set is live.” Joe said to Robyn in a slight whisper, turning to her. “What I mean is they are filming right now. We just have to be very quiet so not to disturb the scene. It’s been a long night already and we are only five hours in. I will bring you all the way but you just have to watch your step and be super quiet.”

“I don’t want to disturb the filming Joe.” Robyn said stopping. “I know from Taron how tedious it can be and I don’t mind waiting until they have a break. I can go back and wait in my car.”

“And if I do that, Taron will murder me. I am under strict instructions to bring you right to him, but to tell you he is filming. We can wait on the side.”

“I really don’t want to get in the way Joe. The schedule is so tight.” Robyn didn’t follow Joe but stood as she was. “Really I can wait for Taron.”

Joe reached back and took her arm. “You won’t be in the way. Matthew is fine with it too. Apparently he is waiting for another stormy scene?”

Robyn could feel the blush fill her cheeks. “Not going to happen but if everyone is ok with it, I am intrigued to watch from behind the scenes.”

“Everyone is ok with it. Come on. Watch your step.”

Robyn continued to follow Joe, carefully stepping over cables and tracks, keeping very close to the man in front who was leading her towards Taron. As she got closer, she could see a lot more people together in one place, camera men and sound technicians holding onto their gear, keeping still and quiet and as they walked to a wooden fence, Robyn finally got her first glimpse of Taron. On his knees, his hands held up to his face, the actor opposite him towering over him, screaming at him. It was a natural response and Robyn’s hands flew to her mouth after her loud gasp echoed around the quiet set as the actor in front of Taron, slapped him hard.

“Shit!” Robyn cursed under her hands, mortified as everyone looked her way. Holding her hands up, Robyn looked sheepishly to Matthew who was a few feet away from her. “Erm sorry! My bad.” She apologised. “So sorry. Really really sorry.”

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jobrookekarev · 4 years ago

Text

He's Wrapped Around Her Finger

Chapter: 1/1

Words: 3500

Summary: While Jo’s sleeping Alex gets to know his newborn daughter and settles into the role of Dad.

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson.

Characters: Alex Karev, Jo Wilson Karev, Helena Karev, and Meredith Grey.

Rating: General Audiences.

Additional Tags: Babies, Baby Care, Fluff, It’s so fluffy I'm going to die, Alex being a Dad, Alex and Jo being smitten with their daughter, Blood Mentioned.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

AN: 3 fanfics in a week who is she! Also I had to Google what color the indicator line on diapers were because I remembered it was yellow at the start, but I didn't remember what color it would turn when it was wet so that how long it’s been since I changed a diaper.

……………………………………………………………………

“Helena Meredith Karev born on November 26th at 5:36 am at 21 inches long and weighing at 8 lb 15 oz., just 1 oz short of 9 lb,” Alex announced as he spoke to Meredith on the phone.

“1 oz. short of 9 lb wow,” Meredith said in astonishment. “How's Jo recovering?”

“She's doing good. She and the baby are asleep right now.”

Alex looks over at the bassinet that was parked next to Jo's bed. Jo slept on her side with one hand in the bassinet on their daughter's chest. Jo’s abandonment issues had come up earlier and Alex noticed she was having a hard time letting Helena out of her sight. Her hand on Helena's chest in the bassinet was how Jo maintained contact with her daughter while getting some much needed rest.

“Good, now promise me you'll never tell Jo that her daughter almost weighed 9 lb. at birth,” Meredith insisted with a little laugh.

“What? Why not?” Alex said confused as he looked over the little note card posted on Helena's bassinet that listed her weight and other details. “Jo knows how much she weighs.”

“Yeah, Jo knows Helena weighs 8 lb. and 15 oz., but when you say she almost weighs 9 lb it isn’t the same thing. Thinking of your baby as 8 lb vs 9 lb is different. No woman likes to be remembered how big their baby was and how hard it was to push them out unless you want Helena to be an only child.”

“Okay, I promise to say she weighs 8 lb. and 14oz. whenever Jo asks,” Alex said rolling his eyes at Meredith as he watched Jo shift in her sleep so her legs were more apart.

Watching Jo be in excruciating amounts of pain as she labored was hard for him, but he pushed it aside to be there to support his wife. Jo’s pain was to the point of which she was completely out of it, just going through the motions as she pushed their daughter into the world. Alex had watched quite a few women give birth, but it was different because it was Jo. He loved her and he hated seeing her in pain knowing that he had partially caused it.

When they had discussed having kids, Alex knew it would include a painful labor and that it would be hard on Jo and her body. Despite her training as an OB and numerous birth classes they had gone to, Jo didn't realize she was in labor until she was in active labor and they had to rush to the hospital. Alex knew that because of this experience Jo may not want to get pregnant again. If that was her decision, he would abide by it. Alex was happy because he was so absolutely content with the little girl in front of him.

“Congratulations, Alex,” Meredith said, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“You said that already,” Alex said although he didn't mind hearing it again.

“Yeah well, I'm going to say it again. Have you texted Cristina yet?”

“No, not yet and we haven't talked to too many people, apart from the video call earlier, I’ve just talked to you and my mom. It's hard to find the time. I just keep staring at her, and thank you Meredith for everything.”

“You mean for waking you up so you didn't miss your wife's labor, you're welcome.”

“Yeah that especially,” Alex said as he couldn't help but chuckle as he remembered the chaotic events of that morning. “I'll talk to you later, bye”

“Bye.”

Alex put away his phone and settled into the uncomfortable chair next to Jo’s bed. He thought that they'd make these chairs more comfortable considering that most second parents and family members usually ended up spending the night there, but apparently not. He would have to check the budget and see if they could upgrade the chairs. Despite how he was no longer the chief of surgery, Alex learned a lot, and he still occasionally found himself reverting to taking care of the business side of the hospital. Alex shuffled around trying to get comfortable but clearly, he was not sleeping in this chair that afternoon.

Alex watched over his girl. He smiled at the thought, his girls, he had a daughter. He had a child of his own and oh how he was in love with her. Helena squealed in the bassinet throwing her arms around and Alex was up in an instant. Her tiny face squished even further as she let out a single cry. Jo stirred next to her and he felt like he was in the middle of a complicated surgery.

Alex was quick to slip his hand under Helena as he took Jo's hand and put it next to her. He was cautious so as not to wake his sleeping wife and let her get the rest she deserved while also soothing their newborn. As soon as he put down Jo's hand and moved to cradle Helena, he stopped for a moment. Jo sighed but didn't move or wake up and he looked down at Helena who cried out again. Helena spread out her arms and continued to fuss. After a certain number of years, soothing babies became instinctual and Alex started to sway and shush.

“Shh, Shh, it's okay, Daddy's got you.” Alex smiled down at her as she stopped fussing and opened her eyes to look up at him.

Helena studied him for a moment, staring into his soul in the way only a baby could before she decided this wasn't what she wanted, and cried out again in that little uh fussy cry.

“Okay, okay,” Alex said, he looked back to the chair before he sat down and laid Helena on his knees. He undid the blanket intending to redo it into a proper swaddle. “Oh, I see what it is.”

Alex saw the full diaper and the blue line that indicated she had her first wet diaper. He was weirdly proud about it especially as it meant that her kidneys were functioning well and she was hydrated. “Okay, give me a second.”

Alex cradled her close to his chest as he got up and walked over to the drawers where they kept wipes and diapers. He got the supplies and went over to the changing table in the bathroom. He propped the door open in case Jo woke up as he didn't want her to panic when they were gone and got the changing table open.

“You know, I promised your mom I’d do all of these diaper changes since she carried you for nine months, basically built you from scratch, and just now endured quite a few hours of labor with you. She wanted an epidural you know, but she didn’t realize she was in labor. You gotta remind me to tease her about that later, but not until after her stitches heal, and you were eager to get here too huh?” Alex said to Helena as she continued to fuss a little bit more as he quickly changed her and got her settled in a fresh diaper.

Alex staring down at her as he pulled down the onesie Jo had put on her. He knew Jo like the ‘little turkey’ onesie, but it had buttons and buttons were always a struggle, even for a seasoned Ped’s doctor like he was. Alex resisted the urge to grab the other baby gown or even the one with the zippers as he finally did the last button.

“There we go, are we happy now?” Alex asked, Helena looked around and was content and wiggled around. He wrapped her up into a proper swaddle before he picked her up again, but she looked up at him and then cried out again, still not happy. “I know, I am not-mom right now aren't I.”

Alex quietly talked to her as he settled her in his arms and walked back into the room. He sat down in the recliner and started to rock back and forth. “I'm not-Mom. I'm not what you want, I know, we don't know each other yet, although you might recognize my voice. I've read you lots of stories while you were still in your mommy's belly. I even did a little bit of singing too, but don't tell anyone around here that.”

Alex settled into the movement of the chair as he looked down at Helena. She had stopped fussing and stared up at him again, seeming to take him in as she listened to his voice and he took that as a cue to continue.

“I guess now would be the proper time for an introduction. I'm your dad, most people call me Alex or Dr. Karev around here at the hospital. Your mom calls me Alex too, but she drags it out a little in a way that's pretty adorable. Your Aunt Cristina is going to call me Evil Spawn and your Auntie Mare might do it too. You've met her already, although you probably didn't notice. She was on the video called when you were born, but I remember how you and your mom only had eyes for each other. Your mom and I, we don't have a big bio family, but we do have lots of friends and they're our family. They all love you so much already, especially your cousin Ellis.”

Alex rambled off to her as Helena just watched him, and he took in his daughter. He never really saw familiar features in newborns. They always just looked similar, like babies and not much else. The features really didn’t come in until they were a little older and then you could say they look like one parent or the other. Yet, as Alex looked down at Helena he saw his chin and his crooked lips in the way that she frowned as she cried. She looked like Jo too, she had Jo’s cute little cheeks and her eyes. Although she looked like an even mix of them now, he could tell that she was going to be a little tiny Jo running around their house. They joked about how they'd never be able to say no to their kid, and Alex knew that with just one look from Helena and he would melt like snow in the sun. His daughter would always be the bright spot in his day.

Helena's eyes started to droop, but she would occasionally blink them open. As if she was fighting sleep as much as Jo did. “You are already so much like your mother. She does that same thing too, you know. When we watch movies on the couch with Reese's, you haven't met him yet and he just knows you as the thing that keeps him from sitting on Mommy's lap. It might be a while before you two become friends, but you’ll like him too.”

Alex rocked her as she fell asleep in his arms and it made him feel some weird sense of accomplishment because his kid fell asleep in his arms. He knew from experience that getting a baby back to sleep was no easy feat. He continued to hold her, not ready to put her back down again. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be ready to put her down and he knew why Jo was hesitant to do so as well. He just sat there and rocked his daughter and held her and patted her back.

“Anyway, Saturday nights are movie nights and your Mommy always curls up in my lap and puts her head on my chest. She always says she'll stay up and watch the whole movie,” Alex said as he leaned closer to whisper to Helena. “But she never does.”

“That's not true,” Jo whispered and Alex looked up to see her smile from where she was curled up in bed.

She must have been watching them for a little while and he smiled back at her. A sense of relief filled his mind as she had woken up without panicking for the first time and he tried to remain calm as he smiled back at her.

“It is true, you always fall asleep just, like clockwork before the end credits.”

“I didn't fall asleep when we watched that one really bad horror movie.”

“Yeah because it scared the crap out of you. I had to turn it off because you started crying.”

“No, we had to turn it off because Reeses wouldn't stop barking at it.”

“Okay Princess,” Alex said, smiling as she raised her eyebrows at him and he chuckled as he got up and walked over to sit on her bed. The second he sat down Jo reached out, and he thought she was going to take Helena, but instead, she smacked the side of his arm. “Hey, I've got precious cargo here.”

“She’s fine and you can't use our daughter as a shield to protect you against my wrath,” Jo teased with a smirk of her own. She carefully sat up and Alex's smile faded as she grimaced when she moved.

“Is your ice pack still cold? Do you want me to get you a new one or something?”

“No, I think I bled through the pad again.”

Jo pulled back the blankets and he was relieved to see that there were no bloodstains on the sheets. Jo carefully got up out of bed and Alex put Helena down in the bassinet.

“No, just hold her, I’ll be fine,” Jo said, waving him off.

“Jo, let me take care of you,” Alex insisted as he watched Helena for a second to see if she’d fuss before he went over to help his wife.

Alex put his arm around her and grabbed the IV pole as they took small and wide steps over to the bathroom. Jo let go of his waist as she stepped into the bathroom and grabbed the peri bottle and her other supplies. Alex got out a new ice pad and activated it, shaking it up before he felt it cool in his hand. He handed it to her before she waved him off again.

“Just let me help you, Jo. I know it hurts you to whip and…”

“Alex,” Jo said, slightly annoyed as she cut him off. “You can change our daughter's diapers, not mine. I got this.”

“Are you sure, because honestly, I don't mind,” Alex argued, he wasn't sure how much she would let him take care of her, but he wanted to do this for her. If she let them.

“Alex, today multiple people, several of whom are my coworkers, have seen me naked on a bed pushing out a baby. I need a moment of privacy,” Jo said, holding her hand out to block him from coming close.

Alex nodded and took a step back. He made a big thing about covering his eyes and turned around to go back out into the room, bumping into the doorway as Jo laughed behind him. He smiled as it didn't hurt that much and hearing her laugh after her tears earlier felt good. Alex rubbed his forehead as he went back into the room and picked up Helena again, knowing Jo would want to hold her the second she was back in bed.

Alex looked down at her and smiled, completely smitten. From the moment Jo told him she was pregnant, he was over the moon. He had seen how parents had fallen in love with their child and he felt that love the moment Jo was pregnant. The moment Carina had placed their daughter on Jo’s chest. It was like his heart burst with love and happiness. It was so overwhelming and utterly consuming. He loved his daughter more than he could describe.

He had taken care of babies his entire life. His mom had started to slip just after Amber turned one so the majority of her care fell to him. He practically raised Amber and Aaron until they were all put in foster care. After Amber got sick and had to go to the hospital and the state finally stepped in. After that, he took care of his mom throughout high school and college up until the day he got the job and flew out to the then Seattle Grace Hospital. Even then he sent money and hired someone to check on her. When it came to his career, he wanted to go into plastics, but somehow he ended up in Peds and he was good there.

He took care of thousands of babies over the years and in caring for them he loved them. Alex watched their parents love them more than anything in the world, and he got a bit of that love when it came to Meredith’s kids. They were his nieces and nephew and he loved them like they were his own because they were family, but he still didn't experience the kind of love a parent had for their child, until the moment his child was there. It was all he could think about. She was all-consuming in a way that he could just stare at her for hours.

It wasn't until he really succeeded at being a Peds doctor that he knew he could be a dad. Even though it still terrified him. Every injured kid that walked through the door he could see being his kid. He went home to Jo and put his hands on her belly and he worried. Alex worried about all the possible complications, diseases, and injuries that their kids could get. Even now staring down at her, he knew she was perfect. Her APGAR score was a 10, she had good reflexes, and she was eating and wetting her diapers, and she was perfect, but he still worried. He was so lost in thought that he even noticed Jo had come up behind him until she pressed up against him and they stared down at their daughter.

“She's perfect, Alex,” Jo whispered to him, kissing his cheek. She had always been able to since his worries.

“Yeah, she is,” Alex said as he put his arm around her as they both stared at Helena completely in awe of their daughter.

Jo moved to get back in bed and Alex helped her up, despite how she protested. After she was settled, Alex placed Helena in her arms before Jo could even ask.

“Thank you,” Jo whispered, cradling her close.

They both continued to stare down at her and Alex sat back down in the chair and scooted closer to their bedside. Helena’s little eyes fluttered open, but she didn't cry as she stared up at Jo who smiled down at her. Completely smitten as well.

“Yeah, that’s Mommy isn’t it,” Alex said reaching out and putting his hand on Jo’s knee. Jo didn't even glance up at him, she just smiled down at Helena.

In the past nine months, he had watched Jo go through so many emotions, as he watched her become a mother. Everything she did was to care for their daughter. He knew that Jo was terrified about becoming a mom when they first started talking about kids years ago. She knew the heartache of a bad childhood because she lived it. She was terrified of her genes and she wanted a career first so he waited patiently for her to be ready.

Watching her with their daughter in just the past few hours Alex thought she was the best mom in the world, although he might be a little biased. Jo was so good with her, the second Helena fussed or cried, Jo would pick her up. She was so attentive to their daughter and so loving, Alex couldn't help but just watch them together.

“Daddy is staring at us,” Jo giggled as she looked up and caught him.

Alex smiled completely unashamed. “What can I say, I'm awestruck by the two beautiful girls in front of me, my girls.”

“Your girls,” Jo smiled before she realized something and giggled. “Alex Karev has a daughter.”

“Oh God,” Alex said, putting a hand over his face as he realized the karmic payback that was coming to him.

“With your luck, she’ll probably be crazy for whatever gender she ends up liking,” Jo laughed putting her hand on his arm as the color drained from his face.

“No, no, she is a baby. We're not talking about this,” Alex said, shaking his head.

“She's not going to be a baby forever,” Jo said as she tilted her head and smiled at him, clearly enjoying torturing him.

“No, but she is a baby right now, a newborn and she's going to stay that way,” Alex said looking down at Helena and rubbing her little cheek.

Jo giggled again as she leaned forward and reached her hand out to wrap around his neck and pull in for a kiss. Alex let himself linger on Jo's lips as she smiled against his lips. Helena squealed and they parted with a laugh as they looked down at their daughter who stared up at Jo. Jo traced her finger down Helena’s cheek as she rocked her and Alex smiled at his girls. Yeah, this was perfect.

……………………………………………………………………

AN: On a scale of 1 to 10 how much did this turn you into a pile of mush?

#jo wilson #alex karev #jolex #grey's anatomy #meredith grey #grey's anatomy fanfic #otp: home and heart #my writing #my work #my fanfiction

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northernindigenousbeautyhailey · 3 years ago

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TAMRA JEWEL KEEPNESS.

FEW CHILDREN IN CANADA JUST VANISH. Fewer still stay gone for longer than a couple of days. Some are found alive, others are hurt or killed, but rarely does a child simply disappear. The RCMP’s National Centre for Missing Persons and Unidentified Remains database lists 147 missing children, in a country of more than 35 million people. Of the sixty children under the age of twelve, a quarter are thought to have been abducted by their parents. A large portion of the others were lost to apparent accidents or misadventure, falling through ice or swept away in the pull of wild rivers, their bodies never recovered. The database shows twenty-four children in the past sixty years who have inexplicably disappeared. Because there are so few, we know them. In Edmonton, there is Tania Murrell, six when she vanished while walking home from school for lunch in January 1983. In Toronto, Nicole Morin, eight when she disappeared from a condominium building in July 1985. Michael Dunahee was four years old when he went missing from a playground in Victoria in 1991. In Regina, there is only Tamra Keepness.

THE LAST TIME anyone saw Tamra, she was five years old, with bobbed black hair and soft, round cheeks. In one picture, she wears a T-shirt dotted with flowers, standing against the colourful collage of a classroom wall. Her smile is broad and open, her eyes lively. She was so smart that her mother called her “my little Einstein,” so feisty that when a little boy pushed her once, Tamra shoved him right back, and harder. She liked playing Mario Kart on Nintendo and climbing her favourite tree, down the block from her house.

July 6, 2004, was the first time Sergeant Ron Weir would hear Tamra’s name. He was getting ready to leave on vacation that day when he got an urgent call back to the police station. Weir was a veteran cop with the Regina Police Service and head of emergency services, which included search and rescue. In a meeting, officers from the major crimes unit laid out what they knew: sometime between the night of Monday, July 5, and the morning of Tuesday, July 6, a five-year-old girl had gone missing from her home in central Regina.

Weir had been a police officer for twenty years. He knew that kids often went missing and turned up safe a short time later. Sixty-five percent of missing children and teens are located within the first day, and almost 90 percent within the first week. But Weir also knew that Tamra was too young to get far as a runaway. Patrol officers had already checked the neighbourhood to make sure Tamra hadn’t wandered away or ended up at the house of a playmate or relative, as was often the case with missing children. They’d found nothing. Even in the early hours of the investigation, Weir suspected this case would be different.

TAMRA LIVED with her mother, stepfather, and five siblings at 1834 Ottawa Street, a shabby brown-and-white two-storey with a windowed porch at the front. The house stood between 11th and 12th avenues, just east of downtown Regina. The neighbourhood was a mix of long-time elderly residents, young families drawn by low prices for heritage houses, and ramshackle homes where residents struggled with poverty and addiction. The area was sometimes known as the “low stroll,” a place where women and girls sold their bodies for drugs or booze and men drove around looking to buy them, circling the neighbourhood in trucks and station wagons. Many of the women and girls who lived or worked in the area were First Nations, like Tamra. Long before calls for a federal inquiry into missing and murdered Indigenous women would dominate the political conversation, women were going missing from those streets. It was from that same area that nineteen-year-old Annette Kelly Peigan disappeared in 1983, followed by eighteen-year-old Patsy Favel in 1984 and Joyce Tillotson in 1993. Two years later, two young white men picked up a woman named Pamela George, sexually assaulted her, and beat her to death.

The last public development came in November 2014, when a Reddit user posted to the website a scrawled map with the words: “Location of Tamra Keepness, check the wells.”

Tamra’s house was less than a block from the Oskana Centre, a halfway house for federal parolees, and not far from the Salvation Army’s Waterston House, a residence and shelter inhabited by former inmates and men struggling with drugs, alcohol, and psychiatric issues. Residents of both facilities had been responsible for serious attacks in the past. Just four months earlier, convicted violent sex offender Randy Burgmann had lured a woman into his room at Waterston House with alcohol, before violently sexually assaulting her and leaving her beside a dumpster to die. The Oskana Centre had previously been home to both serial rapist Larry Deckert and Billy John Francis Whitedeer, who began committing violent sexual offences on children when he was ten years old. A few blocks farther was the Ehrle Hotel, one of the worst bars in town, from which patrons spilled soggy and staggering onto the sidewalk, and which appeared regularly in police reports and court testimony.

Police also had serious questions about what was happening at 1834 Ottawa Street. There was a broken window and blood spatter in the porch. Social Services had been involved with the family since not long after the oldest child was born in 1993, and there had been more than fifty reports made to crisis workers, most often about Tamra’s mother’s use of alcohol and drugs, and neglect of the children. Her mother’s boyfriend had a history of violence and domestic assault. In most cases, investigators knew, children are hurt by people closest to them.

POLICE STARTED with a thorough search of the area immediately around the home, then cast their efforts outward in an expanding grid. As the sun rose on the morning of July 7, 2004, the search effort intensified. First, there were ten officers, then twenty, then more. Some officers accompanied trained volunteer search teams; others questioned family members and potential witnesses, going door-to-door gathering leads or chasing down tips. The RCMP training academy provided cadets, and members of the public soon began arriving on their own to help.

Police set up a command-centre bus in the parking lot of a nearby church, from which Weir co-ordinated the search. Though it was an urban environment, the terrain posed serious challenges. The area was filled with overgrown yards, empty houses, piles of garbage. Tamra weighed forty pounds, and stood three foot five. There were so many places a child could hide or get trapped or be held, where a child’s body could be concealed or dumped. Searchers in orange vests worked in grids, knocking on doors, inspecting junked cars and crumbling garages, peering under discarded mattresses and piles of wood, looking down manholes. Police stopped garbage pickups, checking all the bins in the neighbourhood, the trash putrid and reeking in the summer heat. Some bins had already been emptied, so plans were made to search the dump as well.

And what if she had been taken farther? Not far away were industrial areas, large abandoned lots and buildings, Wascana Creek, and beyond that, the vast Prairie. With a thirteen-hour head start, someone in a vehicle could have had Tamra in Vancouver before she was reported missing.

When they were not speaking to police, members of Tamra’s family waited anxiously on the fringes, watching the searchers, eyeing the growing assembly of reporters and news crews holding out microphones and pointing camera lenses. “It’s not like her to go off by herself,” said Tamra’s father, Troy Keepness, sitting on the front steps of his ex-wife’s house, his voice tight with worry. “We’re trying to do our best to get her back.”

Weir worked in the command-centre bus, surrounded by maps and whiteboards. A scribe logged every aspect of the search in real time, recording ideas and progress. No one wanted to break, not for food or rest. Everyone knew the situation grew more serious with every passing hour. As the heat of the day gave way to evening, Weir stood outside and looked up. A strong wind had come in, and storm clouds were spreading, darkening the Prairie sky.

The next day, police strung crime-scene tape around Tamra’s house and the one next door, drawing it through the back alley and across six garages, long slashes of yellow dividing the street. Officers guarded the perimeter while forensic investigators went in and out of the house in boots and masks. “While we don’t have any direct evidence that Tamra has come to any harm, we also don’t know where she is,” police spokeswoman Elizabeth Popowich told reporters. “And if, in fact, this comes to a point where we determine that she’s come to some harm and it’s because of a criminal act, this location could potentially be the scene of some evidence.”

THERE WERE three adults in the house that evening: the children’s mother, Lorena Keepness; her boyfriend, Dean McArthur; and a family friend named Russell Sheepskin, who had been staying with the family. All three had come and gone during the night, and investigators were starting to question their movements. There were no signs of forced entry to the house, and there were gaps, inconsistencies in their timelines that didn’t make sense to investigators.

The story the three told publicly, compiled from various interviews, was that Lorena and McArthur got into an argument while watching a movie on Monday evening, and McArthur and Sheepskin left the house around 8:30 p.m. to go drinking. The men returned briefly to drop off a bottle of formula for the baby, then left again. Lorena went out around 11 p.m, kissing Tamra goodbye before she went. The oldest child in the house was ten-year-old Summer, the youngest was Lorena and McArthur’s nine-month-old baby. Lorena returned briefly to check on the children and then left again around midnight. At about 3 a.m., Sheepskin returned home drunk and saw Tamra sleeping on the couch. Not long after, McArthur got back to the house and assaulted Sheepskin on the porch, punching him through a window and then stomping on his head. (Both men later said the fight had nothing to do with Tamra.) Sheepskin walked alone to the hospital to get stitches, and McArthur went to stay at his aunt’s house a few blocks away. Though it should have been a short walk, he said he got lost and kept passing out as he walked there. He didn’t arrive for at least two hours, until 5 or 5:30 a.m. Meanwhile, Lorena got home around 3:15 or 3:30 a.m., climbed in through a window, and passed out on the couch. She said that she got up to undo the latch on the door for her mother around 8 or 9 a.m. and that the two eldest children, Summer and Rayne, left on their own in the morning to attend a summer day-camp. Lorena didn’t realize Tamra wasn’t there until about three hours later, when the five-year-old didn’t come downstairs. At 12:16 p.m., a family member called the police and told them Tamra was missing.

Rayne, who was eight, said he had gone to bed squeezed into the space between the wall and mattresses piled on the floor in an upstairs bedroom. He told his mother he felt Tamra get up at some point, the slight movement of a child’s weight. All he could remember was that it was light outside.

FRIDAY WAS hot again and wet from the previous night’s rain. An odour of decay hung in the air around Ottawa Street. Tamra had been gone three full days and become national news. Her picture seemed to be everywhere, hanging on street poles and store windows. In news stories, she became “missing five-year-old Tamra Keepness,” but more often she was just Tamra, as if we knew her. The front page of the Regina Leader-Post spoke directly to her, asking, “Tamra, Where Did You Go?”

Tips flooded in to police. On the street, there were rumours that Tamra had been seen at a dollar store with an older woman. Business owners in the neighbourhood said detectives had been looking for a middle-aged white man named Roch or Rocky, but police wouldn’t confirm whether that was related to the search. Lorena and McArthur said they gave police the names of five people they thought could be suspects, including a man who had befriended Tamra and later been discovered to be a pedophile. For a while, there was even a theory that Tamra had never existed at all, that she had been a scam to get extra money from Social Services. (Hospital records proved that was not the case.)

Searchers were coming from around the province to volunteer, streaming into the city from towns and First Nations communities, motivated by the faces of their own children or grandchildren to help in whatever way they could. “I’ve got a boy, and he’s twenty-one,” said Jerry Scott, one of the volunteers who joined the search. “And if he left, I’d go nuts, too.” Around the city, people organized vigils and barbecues, brought water and snacks for the searchers, wrapped ribbons around trees to show their support. Some left teddy bears and angels on the steps of Tamra’s house. Days of intensive searches had turned up lots of items that seemed as though they could be connected—clothing, a child’s shoe—but none of it belonged to Tamra. “I’m starting to go on different conclusions, like maybe someone took her, I don’t know,” Troy Keepness said. “I just hope nobody would hurt my daughter.”

WHEN Tamra had been gone a week, police announced they were suspending the ground searches. At a press conference, Regina police chief Cal Johnston announced a $25,000 reward for information and vowed, “We will find Tamra.” Police questioned sex offenders living in the area and obtained surveillance tapes from convenience stores, bars, gas stations, and the Greyhound bus depot nearby. Johnston confirmed that “criminal interference with Tamra is a distinct possibility” and drew attention back to Tamra’s house and family. “There were comings and goings from the house that night that remain not fully explained to our satisfaction, and we continue to ask those questions,” he told reporters. He would not elaborate.

Tamra’s family was growing increasingly angry at the police, and the strain of the situation was starting to show. Lorena told reporters she’d signed consent forms for police to search her house and had given her DNA, but still she felt as if they were focusing too much on her family and not enough on trying to find Tamra. She was angry that police hadn’t closed the highways out of the city and that there was no Amber Alert because police said it didn’t meet the criteria. “I’m fed up,” she told reporters. “They are wasting time. This is my little girl we’re talking about.”

The family was growing frustrated with the media, too. Lorena’s mother yelled obscenities at reporters one day, and on another, members of the family nearly came to blows with a TV reporter doing a live update from the front lawn. They had been watching the news inside the house when they heard the reporter imply what many in the city were already wondering: If not someone in that house, then who?

On July 19, two weeks after Tamra had been reported missing, police charged McArthur with assaulting Sheepskin the night Tamra disappeared. McArthur told reporters he had been interrogated for twenty hours, not about the assault, but about Tamra and about what had gone on inside the house that night. “It was always the same questions, and they were assuming that I knew the answers to those questions, but I didn’t know the answers, and I still don’t know the answers,” he said. “I would never hurt a hair on that little girl’s head.”

Two days later, Tamra’s brothers and sisters were removed from the home by child-protection officers. Tamra’s twin sister wore messy pigtails and clutched a colouring book and a yellow blanket as two women led the children away down the front steps of the house. Neither government officials nor police would say whether the children’s seizure was related to Tamra’s disappearance. When the children were gone, police searched the house again.

One night late that summer, Tamra’s father, Troy, showed up at the house with a baseball bat and confronted her stepfather, McArthur. Troy was charged with assault, though McArthur later said police “got things misunderstood.” “Everybody’s looking for answers,” he said. “We more or less talked.”

LORENA KEEPNESS was fourteen years old when she ran away from her home on the White Bear First Nation, 200 kilometres southeast of Regina. She had been in residential school for about three months, but that wasn’t what did it. For her, it was the same ugly stuff at home. She found her way to Regina. When her mom tried to take her home, Lorena wouldn’t go. She lived on the streets instead.

She had her daughter Summer Wind when she was twenty, her son Rayne Dance not long after. It was after the ultrasound for her third baby that she walked home in a daze and told her husband, Troy, “We’re having twins.” She kept repeating it until it sunk in, and then they just stood together in the kitchen and laughed. Her mother said “Way to go!” but Lorena told her, “They came from God. Not like I planted those in me.”

The babies were born on September 1, 1998. Fraternal twin girls, each weighing more than six pounds, carried almost right to term and curved around one another like pieces of a puzzle. Lorena and Troy split up when the twins were little, and after that, the girls stayed sometimes with their mother, sometimes with their father or with other relatives. Lorena and Troy each struggled with substance abuse, and their lives were sometimes too troubled and unstable to have the children with them. At five, Tamra was bold and courageous, and protective of her twin sister. Once, Lorena heard a soft knock in the middle of the night and opened the door to find the twins standing there. The children had left their father’s house and walked four blocks back to Lorena’s in the middle of the night, Tamra leading her sister by the hand as they found their way through the dark. REGINA POLICE received more than a thousand tips in the first six weeks after Tamra’s disappearance. At one point, a Volkswagen van that had been stolen the night Tamra disappeared was found burned outside the city. A jail guard told police she and a former inmate had stolen it, picked up Tamra, and then dumped the child’s body in a ravine on the Muscowpetung First Nation. Ron Weir led a week-long search on Muscowpetung, draining multiple beaver dams with compressor pumps, while searchers slogged through water up to their hips. The jail guard later confessed she had made up the story. She was charged with mischief and wrote a letter apologizing to the police. In court, her lawyer said she had been trying to get her abusive boyfriend locked up again.

Returning from medical leave to the police department in the fall of 2004, superintendent Troy Hagen could feel how Tamra’s disappearance was weighing on his colleagues. Hagen noticed it in everyone he spoke to, from the police chief down, whether they were involved with the case or not. Sergeant Rod Buckingham, one of the lead investigators, was among those who felt the growing frustration. “It’s a mystery,” he would say. “And I don’t like mysteries.”

Officers had spoken with more than 6,000 people by then, but there had been no arrests, and leads were drying up. Shortly after, a special task force was struck to re-examine the case, to see whether anything had been missed. The name of the project was iskwesis ayishowak e mamayahi, a Cree term meaning “little girl bring people together.”

TWELVE YEARS LATER, Lorena Keepness spends her days doing odd jobs and picking bottles, trading them in at the depot for cash. She is forty-three and lives with her eldest son in a rundown shack of a house on Victoria Avenue, a fifteen-minute walk from Ottawa Street. Lorena’s children were never permanently returned to her custody after the disappearance, and the three babies she had after that were all taken by Social Services, too. Tamra’s twin sister is seventeen now. Lorena says she is an athlete, smart and beautiful. Lorena lost her family pictures when someone threw all her stuff in the garbage a few years ago. The only photos she has of Tamra now are the ones on missing-child posters.

Tamra’s twin and her older sister, Summer, don’t want to be interviewed. Neither does Tamra’s father, Troy. McArthur couldn’t be reached. Lorena needs a six-pack of Black Ice beer to talk. She doesn’t really want to be interviewed either. She has never liked reporters or their questions, and it hurts to talk about that time. “But part of me wants to,” she says, as her face crumples. “Part of me needs to share what the fuck happened. Someone stole my child.”

Lorena has heard many theories about what happened to her daughter. Some believe Tamra wandered away and was abducted by a driver cruising the area or that she got lost, then crawled in somewhere so small she has never been found. Other theories focus on the adults in the house that night. Some officers will say off-the-record that they think Tamra is in the dump but that they just couldn’t find her in the mountains of debris. Many in the city believe that Lorena and McArthur sold or traded Tamra to pay off a cocaine debt. Lorena has heard that one the most. One night, she was at a bar and heard some women talking, loud enough so she could hear. “Yeah, she sold her kid for dope. She has a whole bunch of babies. She has kids just to sell them for drugs.” Her friend told her not to listen, but Lorena couldn’t ignore it. She swore at the women, promised she would get them for even thinking she could do that to her child. They met at the same bar again the next day, and that time they fought, a tangle of hair and fists. One of them had a knife and slashed her twice on the back of her arm. More scars to wear for life. It wasn’t the only time. One night, she was attacked in Moose Jaw. Not long ago, a woman shouted “Baby killer!” at her across the street.

Lorena and Dean McArthur are still together, on and off—“more on than off,” she says. Police tried hard to turn them against each other, but she always believed him in the end. He may be all kinds of things, she says, but he’s not a baby killer. “If I thought he did something to my daughter, I would have killed him myself,” she says. “I think the police were just so sure. They figured, ‘These guys are a bunch of nobodies. She did her own child.’ They already had their conclusions drawn before they even tried to look for anything.”

The suggestion she could have had something to do with her daughter’s disappearance still pushes Lorena to the point of violence. You can see her eyes flash, her muscles tighten at the question. But she holds back— it’s not worth going to jail. She’s had enough of the police, has grown used to the accusations. In the past twelve years, she’s repeated her story publicly many times, and it has never really changed.

REGINA POLICE have never released full details about the investigation into Tamra’s disappearance, on the grounds that it remains an open case that they still hope to solve. In an interview, Troy Hagen, now Regina’s police chief, would not speak about any working theories or confirm any specifics of the investigation, including whether one of the people questioned about Tamra’s disappearance had failed a polygraph test. Instead, Hagen echoed what police have said since the beginning: That there remain important unanswered questions about the comings and goings from the house on Ottawa Street that night. That they will continue to investigate every tip. That they won’t stop looking for Tamra until they find her. He pointed to cases in the United States where children have been gone for years, sometimes decades, and then been found alive. In Canada, twelve-year-old Abby Drover was held in an underground bunker in Port Moody, British Columbia, for six months after being abducted by her neighbour in 1976. There was an intensive search of her community—including by her abductor—but she had been only feet away from her house the entire time. She was found alive. It seems impossible, but it happens. “I refuse to lose hope,” Hagen says.

The years since Tamra’s disappearance have exposed the epidemic of missing and murdered Indigenous women in Canada. Suspected serial killers are facing charges in the Prairies, but there has been no public indication that Tamra’s disappearance may be connected to any of those cases. Hagen said police have also explored a possible connection with thirteen-year-old Courtney Struble, who disappeared from Estevan, a city 200 kilometres from Regina, four days after Tamra was last seen. Investigators initially believed that Struble was a runaway, and she had been gone for seven years before RCMP announced that her case had become a homicide investigation. No one has ever been charged, and her remains have never been located. Hagen says it’s strange to have two unsolved missing-children cases linked so closely in time and geographic proximity. He says the possibility of a connection was “very much” explored by police, but there doesn’t appear to be a correlation. The police investigation into Tamra’s disappearance is one of the largest and costliest in Regina’s history, but Hagen says it has never been about the money. If there were more leads or work for investigators, the police chief says he would reconvene the task force “in a heartbeat.” But the flood of tips has slowed. The reward for information that leads to finding her, now $50,000, sits unclaimed. The last public development came in November 2014, when a Reddit user with the name MySecretIsOut posted a scrawled map with the words: “Location of Tamra Keepness, check the wells.” The person later wrote that the map belonged to their grandmother and had come from a great-aunt who had visited an inmate in Alberta. “We, like many others, haven’t forgotten about you, Tamra, and continue to search and hope you are found,” the person posted. Police searched twenty-one wells around Muscowpetung but found nothing.

Sheepskin died on January 1, 2009, “with his family by his side,” according to his obituary. Many of the police officers who worked on Tamra’s case have retired or moved from the department to other jobs. Hagen says he thinks of Tamra whenever he is walking through the forest, not looking for her but always half expecting to see her there. Sometimes he looks at people he passes on the street, examining their faces and imagining what Tamra might look like now.

THROUGH THE YEARS, Lorena has developed her own theories about what happened to her daughter. These days, she mainly wonders about a drifter who used to stay with them, a woman Lorena knew from when she was a girl. A woman who sometimes told people she was pregnant even though she wasn’t, who Lorena knew by one name but whose medical documents said something else. The woman was around so much that Lorena’s children called her Big Auntie. Big Auntie had been staying at the house before Tamra disappeared, but left after she and Lorena had a falling out. Lorena says it took a long time to realize Big Auntie wasn’t coming around any more. When she did, she put word out on the streets, but no one there had seen her either. Big Auntie didn’t even show up for her own sister’s funeral in Regina a few years back. Lorena says she told the police about Big Auntie many times, but doesn’t know whether they ever found her, or whether they even looked. “She’s just gone now,” Lorena says. “Same time as my child.” Maybe it’s something. Or maybe Big Auntie is missing, too.

When I ask Lorena whether she thinks Tamra will ever be found, she struggles for an answer. “I don’t know,” she says. “But can I tell you about a dream I had?” There are two, both so vivid it’s as if they were real. In one, Tamra is inside a big house in a city Lorena has never seen. There are silk clothes draped around, and broad windows, and Tamra is upstairs, sitting on the edge of a bathtub putting on stockings. She is grown, with dark, shiny hair like her mother’s but cut straight all around. In the other dream, Tamra is still a little girl, running into her mother’s arms. “There you are!” Lorena says. “There you are!” She picks up her child and holds her, until Tamra wriggles free and is lost again.

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