#AINT NO WAY THIS SHIT TOOK ME ABOUT 2 HOURS 😭😭😭😭

[sketchy-tc]

My ass did not cook 💀

Anyway met Kettei Sora no Hōshi, TC ancestors and the founding fathers of Sora no Hōshi clan 👍

[gabzlovesu]

VALENTINE'S DAY STORYTIME:

here’s what happened...

we celebrated valentine's day on saturday because i wasn't sure what my schedule for monday was gonna look like — nursing school doesn't stop for nobody yall and i can't afford to get behind. i had to study for an exam on sunday and the restaurant wasn't gonna be open that day, so we settled for the latest reservation we could get at char on saturday, which was 12:00.

ok say boom, friday night i washed my hair and prepped it for my wig and stuff, but ya girl was in distress because i didn't finish until like 1 or 2 in the morning and my hair was still a little damp. so i'm like, i'll just get up in the morning to put it on.

saturday morning i get up at 8 and to lay my wig — almost burning myself in the process — and do my makeup. and look...i'm no pro but i did wtf i had to do! i was on crunch time with only 3 hours to get ready and i mf did that! i literally did not get dressed up until the last minute and i was scared that we weren't going to make our brunch reservation. here's my otufit ig, i literally don't know how to take pictures so don't say nothing:

i tell him to pull up to my dorm because i'm getting dressed and it will only take a few minutes to get myself together and the resturant was just down the street. AS SOON AS I GET DRESSED I REALIZE I DON'T HAVE MY WINTER COAT! but being the bad bitch that i am i was just gonna suck it up and go out in the 30 degree weather and just grab my coat from the car. that would be fine right? NOPE! i fucking forgot that my sister took the car to work that morning so i wouldn't be able to get my jacket. when my bf pulled up i literally sprinted to the car with his gift in my arms looking like a skank 😭 but yall would do it too for a check!

we made it in time, we get our table with no wait at all. cool. and i just know people are staring at me for being dressed like this when its freezing outside, idgaf tho and they need to worry about they food. we had the stupid chocolate milk debate at the table lmaooooo. anyways, i got the shrimp and grits and he got the chicken and biscuits (ya know some real southern shit purrr). now exaplain to me why my shit was expensive and i got like a cup of grits and 5 pieces of shrimp and this man had hella food for less. i was cheated yall, but he did share some of his food with me hehe 🥰 we got desert also, which was alright but the options were limited and i'm a picky eater lol. here's my food:

he takes me back to my place so i can change into some comfy clothes and clean up my room before i go to his apartment. and we made a quick stop by walgreens on the way to his place.... iykyk.

so we walk up the stairs and he like pauses before he opens the door, and i'm just like, you good bro?? BUT IT TURNS OUT HE HAD ROSE PETALS LEADING TO HIS ROOM WHERE THEY WERE ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND ON THE BED IN A HEART SHAPE WITH CHOCOLATES AND A BIG SQUISHMALLOW!!! he knows i loves squishmallows, they're so cutee aaghhhhh. he also said that he will take me to get a mani pedi wenever i want; he didn't want to make an appointment in advance because he knows nursing school has my schedule all fucked up. then he opened my gift which was a basket full of candy, a card, the new pokemon game that he wanted so bad, and a nike gift card.

and ummm this is the nsfw part so go away if your not 18+ or you don't want to read it. so we started making out and shit and my clothes just disappeared like idk what happened yall 🤷🏽‍♀️ he at my coochie, as he should, and then broke my back while folding me in half like a lawn chair. there were some slipups, like a rose petal got stuck in my butt crack and i didn't even know lmfao, and i said "you gonna fuck me like a slut?" and he didn't respond how i wanted him too and i was embarazzed (he's so vanilla yall, we're working on that tho). then this man said — and i quote— "squirt all over my dick" EXCUSE ME??!!! WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT BECAUSE I AINT NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE OMGGGGG...but i did it tho sskksks.

when we were finish we really just laid around and had a chill day after that, we don't have to be doing much to enjoy each other's company. i watched him play the pokemon game for a little bit before watching tiktoks on my phone. eventually he fell asleep (that coochie knocked him out 😮‍💨) i was fighting off sleep but i stayed up to study a little for my exam. we eventually went on a food run with his friends that night an then went to sleep. i did unfortunately loose my BRAND FREAKING NEW set of lashes that i had put on that day :(

BUT I LOVED OUR VALENTINE'S DAY AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH OKAY BYEEEE!

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Life update: Road trip, R's partner, and other junk

Hi again

I know I was just on here the other day but it feels kinda odd to not post everytime I'm taking pills like I was before. Though I won't lie it's been a lot easier. I try to not think as hard on what upset me enough to take em and it's been pretty nice. Ish

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This'll be another long one so apologies in advance. Lot of stuff went on theee last few days

I've split the three major points I was talking in color coded sections.

-Green is rambling about a recent trip I went on

-Purple is thoughts on R's recent breakup with her partner of a little over a year

-Red is health shit I've had going on

(Road trip/Indiana trip as a whole)

Anyway. Last few days been slightly hectic. During that trip in Christmas my mom told me about this trip she'd be going on in July to Indiana and asked if I wanted to tag along. I ofc said yeah cause ill take damn near any excuse to get out this funky ass house annnd that was that. She didn't give details fr and up until like a week ago I didn't even know when we were going.

Thooo due to the funerals a few weeks back and her not really having plans plans for my arrival anyway, i was finna get left at the lodge second as she didn't know anyone that was coming to Indiana and my dad was gonna get a rental to drive me down which my mom didn't wanna put on him. So about 3 days before, she just was like oh you aint going lol. I played it off when I was otp with her but soon as she hung up I took R off hold and tried to do the same, only to break down in tears like 5 mins later

I feel bad to keep putting her through that so I calmed down enough to hold it in and parted ways with her bout 30 mins later. Me and my mom's relationship is kind of complicated and I thought this trip could possibly be an opportunity to uncomplicate things you know? So I felt so stuck when just like that, I was to be left after months of thinking id be there

Well in my hiding of my hurt I kinda hid my disappointment which I didn't want her to take as me not caring. So I texted her high high around 3am expressing my salt about not being able to go. Which somehow someway got me a ride to Indiana. I didn't know these people and it was a 4 hour drive (with all the extra they were doing ahit wnd up being like 6 😭) so I was kinda scared. But honestly? They were really cool.

I was slightly gone that entire car ride as I took some shit to mellow out some but I think I woulda been okay regardless. I was tryna avoid talking and I was playing sudoku and listening to music for a good 2-3ish hours. Thennn they started tryna involve me in convos and listening to their music which led them to ask if i smoked.. and I shoulda said no as I barely have experience with weed outside them bootleg delta 8 pens but I said yeah annnd we all smoked. I barely did as I knew I would be entirely too gone and I didn't want my mom to br able to tell. She seems disappointed that I smoked with my aunt that one time so I couldnt imagine how she's see me smoking with complete strangers (to me anyway. They're longtime friends to her)

See okay I know that sounds bad but the weed wasn't why I thought they were cool. They were just real persistent to involve me, even when I was pretty distant off rip. It woulda been so easy for them to just let me sit there silently but they made sure I spoke some and by the end even with me barely knowing them I got to laugh and talk shit with em. It was nice :)

Now with me being there pretty late, I just went to the room under the impression I'd just be crashing. But my mom dipped for some part of the event she came there for and left me with my 7 y/o sister and I think her... cousin? Idfk. Long story short, soon as I got there I was babysitting these kids. I didn't think nothing of it as I am pretty lenient on that sort of shit. Aka, I'm only there to make sure they aren't seriously hurt and not do anything that'll get them in big big trouble. Younger kids yeah, I know I gotta be more hands on as they wouldn't know how to feed themselves, clean up, use the bathroom ya know shit like that. But past that age, I see no real reason to breathe down their necks.

Tho... these kids bruh. I damn near cried out of frustration. They were so loud which I woulda ignored honestly but my mom was telling me how strict this hotel was about noise complaints when large groups/events booked a specific hotel. Like they whole ass had to sign an agreement to not be loud or they'd more than likely just get kicked out. Course, the form said they'd just plain kick em out but I'm sure they wouldn't be that that harsh. Nonetheless, minimal wiggle room as far as noise. So I let them play and shit but I had to quiet them down again and again cause they'd either ignore me or quiet down for two seconds and go back to it

It was a good 3-4 hours of me tryna keep them quiet til my mom came back which made them go to sleep soon after. Then she came back and went to sleep and I just.. broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I was so done and I just wanted to be alone by that point. My mom's a light light sleeper so I accidentally sobbed to hard and woke her up a fee diff times with her luckily being half sleep and not realizing what was happening. It was kinda bad tbr I wss first crying about watched the kids but then I was just spiraling and spiraling until I eventually cried myself to sleep around 5amish. Tho at 6 my mom quite literally shook me awake. To plug in her phone.

The rest of the trip was more of the same honestly. Watching the kids, reprimanding them for one thing or another, crying about it, calming down late into the night and passing out for a bit before being woken up for one thing or another. I wish I didn't even go honestly. I left the hotel twice the entire 3 days I was there. Once to take a walk as im not allowed to when I'm home and I wanted to calm down without taking pills, only to have the kids flung on me anyway lmao. The other was to get breakfast as the kids wouldn't wake up for the free hotel breakfast so we had to go somewhere to get em food. So we went to the McDonald's drive thru. Sooo honestly neither time I really left the hotel.

I thought maybe the last day would be cool as the event and everything was over and the cousin went back with her parents. I woke up late ish as I took dph the night before and I didn't feel like getting up. Thought nothing of it. Only for my mom to inform me that the person she thought would be taking me early Monday morning never came so I would not only be leaving today, I had about an hour to pack up and leave. Which included showering, getting my sister ready and fed, and getting ready cause the people driving me were gonna make a stop that required me to get out the car as well.

I couldn't even hide my anger lmao. That was about 3 days ago now and I am just now answering her calls again. I felt so used and stupid

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Next big thing that's happened is my bsf's relationship officially being over

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(R's breakup)

As I've mentioned before, R and her girlfriend have been on a break for a few weeks. I was under the impression they weren't speaking at all during this all and for the most part, they weren't. She was online playing games making it clear she was purposely ignoring R when she was tryna fix shit a few different times so I thought that was the sign right there. But my bsf recently opened up more on that shit and started talking about how she's changed into someone else lately, being super distant and the few times she'll talk to her she's being mean and yelling about one thing or another

Ah.. there was this one night about a week ago where she was really going through it, coming to terms with everything. She was just saying hoe while she said she'd be there for anything she wasn't her *insert partner name* uh prolly should've made a fake one long before but whatever. Anyway she was crying about it cause ehe felt like her partner changed so much and while she was still in love and still planned on doing everything she said she would, she wouldn't fight for her to do the same for her. It broke my heart just hearing it all. All the nights I've had to console a crying, stoic and at times intoxicated R she still would do it again if it meant going back to how they were. It genuinely made me hate her partner. I hated having to watch her suffer for someone that clearly wouldn't do the same for her

But it all came to a head yesterday. Me and R don't talk like we did before as she's usually busy during the day and I'm off doing my own shit as well. We mostly text lateish at night as the absolute latest she's ever working is 11 and I usually don't sleep til around 2ish so I'm usually free around then as well. But yesterday, we were talking around afternoonish. Initially it was just us checking in with each other but then we started talking shit and sending memes and junk. It went on for a good 30 mins of damn near instant replies as we were both focused on it until after a while R just stopped replying. I wasn't thinking nothing of it I sent a sc from this sudoku tournament I was in and I said something about some song a little while later. Kinda tryna get her attention again without making it seem dire or urgent.

She responded about the song shit like an hour or two later and I aint think nothing of it. The after she said that she dropped the bombshell. Her partner broke up with her. I tried my best to not treat her differently out of pity even though I was sad for her cause I know hearing that shit can make it sting 10x worse. I took it all in and cracked a joke here and there where I could but she dipped shortly after she explained everything

What boggled my mind was that I was just checking R's accs out of curiosity wondering of they had officially broken up and at the time her partner already unfriended her on a few platforms but R still kept traces of her nearly everywhere. Then less than 24 hours later, they're done. Shit was weird. The only real mention of her now is her disc as she left her name as the nickname her partner gave her but tbh I think R likes bunnies anyway so that could be unrelated

We have spoken once today as I accidentally called her when I was half sleep tryna call my mom. I usually don't call anyone but her so I called her out of habit before being like oh wait and hanging up. She had her phone off so it didn't really matter but she texted back just telling me not to apologize and that she understood and stuff. Then she's went back to being silent.

Her disc isn't offline for the first time in forever but it's in do not disturb so it ain't much better. Specially since she ain't signed in on her phone so she's really just ignoring anyone reacting out on there. Though she also could be on vc with her partner and not wanting to be interrupted too so not 100%

In addition to that she unfriended nearly everyone on her insta which is honestly expected. The only one she didn't unfriend is an unactive acc of an old friend. That's a long story but essentially, everyone including me and her partner

I'm not too worried for now. I know it'll be a few days of mostly silence and her ignoring everyone but she did text earlier today and I know she's online at the very least so I'm okay. I'm gonna try to aim for at least getting one response a day from her just to make sure she's alive and shit but aside from that I know she wants space for now and I'll give it to her for now.

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And finally there's smaller news about me

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(My health and stuff)

I've kinda tapered off again. Ish. The trip prevented me from taking all that much for a few days and me coming down from that 1.5 and the 850 made me not too fussy on that. I go a lot longer without dph and I haven't been taking much anymore. I only brought a little less than a gram for the trip so I had to ration it out pretty carefully so I'd have enough to keep me from withdrawing while not taking enough to make me too visibly high. I think I took 250 the trip on there, 450 the second night when I was watching my sister, then 200-300ish the trip back cause I started getting too angry and was crying. Luckily for me the blaring country music the people I was riding with this time covered the noises from that and they were not as keen to get me involved with their conversations but nonetheless I knew I would only get away with it for so long before they started asking questions so I popped the rest of my pills and went to sleep.

Now that I've been back I took 350 the first night I was back and took another 300 yesterday night. I didn't really want to take the 300 but I've noticed there's some days where my heart will feel tight and'll hurt when it's been a while without. Sometimes it's not too bad and ill just ignore and sometimes it's really noticeable and painful to the point I don't care if I want it or not I'll take some just to stop feeling it. I was originally only taking 200 but it still hurt so I just took 50 more every like 30ish mins til it stop hurting

I've been crying a bit less nowadays as well. Which is kinda weird as now I just have the temptation to alot more.. mind is weird ig 🥴

Had a few other issues of varying seriousness

At some point the day before I went on the trip I cut my hand pretty bad tho I forgot about it... then rubbed multiple more than likely not clean dogs with the same hand. Ah snd this ofc was not before I accidentally spilt a baking soda lemon juice in the cut earlier that day. Smh. The cut was so sore and actually the day I got back it hurt to handle anything that required anymore than gentle ass gripping. I was scared to tell anyone in fear of them trying to take me to urgent care over it as I know we can't really afford that shit rn so I toughed it out. It's not too noticeable now so it's probably nothing but those first few days were scary.

It kinda hurts to hold in my pee at times as I hold it for so long I'll forget I'm holding til it hurts to walk. Ive been tryna be better about that as R scolds me all the time and stresses how bad it is for me but I occasionally forget and do it anyway and it ain't fun to say the least. Plus it kinda spooks me to see at times ngl. That period where I was yellow yellow my piss was chronically dark but now it is dark at times but I do more as far as hydration so it ain't nearly as bad. Still like uts weird going from being slightly dehydrated before to now being so dehydrated I'd probably have an iv slapped on me if I went to a doctor. I've also had to be a log better about exfoliation as my dry ass skin will clog my skin in a heartbeat if I dont

Aside from that it's been more of the same. I mostly eat once a day with it usually being cereal or malt o meal as they're quick and easy and comforting for whatever reason. My stomach hurts at times but not much of the burny feeling I used to have a lot. I've been pretty isolated from my family nowadays, even the sister I was covering for a little while ago. I'll talk to them if they happen to be around while I go up there but for the most part I stay quiet in my room and try to avoid going upstairs when I can hear one of them around. I try to talk as minimally as possible with the only real exception to that being with R and wuth me being pretty quiet otp with her as well, she's only partially excluded at that

I remember I used to speak so little that it'd make my throat sore to speak for anymore than a few minutes. It's kinda on and off issue of mine and its kinda exacerbated with any sort of projection/yelling so I did have slight issue with that as well. It's mostly gone away now as I've gone back to no more than like 15 mins of using my voice in a day so that's alr

Uhhh but on that note I think I'm about done. I took another 250 in the middle of writing this as my heart felt eeird again and I wanted to stop that before that got annoying and my tolerance has made that nearly nonexistent feeling. More than likely finna make some malt o meal and take some more. And play the sims.. or download more stuff. I've been hyperfixated on that for the past few weeks smh. Possibly'll post a few on here but more than likely not. For one feels a little inappropriate for the blog and two I dunno if anyone really cares to see that 💀💀💀

Ya know like.. course they're my sims so I don't really need to post them for me. But I dunno. Strong maybe

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Misc: My profile theme, music, and my identity (+ about 1000 other things..)

Definitely wouldn't be offended if this an easy skip for most. It is.. a hot mess, long and not particularly interesting. If you ain't supremely bored, you probably'd be better off not being curious on this one T^T

But hey I did enjoy writing it and I'm sure someday I at the very least will enjoy reading this so for me that's enuff boxes checked off to post 🤷‍♀️

This is another long post ngl. I've been on and off (mostly on 😭) writing since I woke up at like 11 am and its now 11pm. I wrote a few diff things so this one aint 12 full hours of writing or anything but I will admit it has been a long ass time on this one. Sorry in advance. i always seem to write a lot a lot when shit gets bumpy with R. Not even between us necessarily and the junk I be writing about don't be about her at all half the time I just be overexplaining and randomly going from topic wayyyyy worse than normal for some reason. I genuinely do not know why I'm like this bruh I used to write a little whiny vent note here and there pre R but now if i don't have one strict topic I'm talking/explaining I will write about any and everything that comes to mind as I'm going.

Oh god.. Me bringing this up reminds me of when she first said we had to talk less and I went nuts. That shit was so ghetto I deadass got fucked up on dxm so I'd stop freaking out over her dipping then DURINGGG the high I realized I was in love. I think after prolly.. 4ish hours of being like uh.. yeah there's no reason for me to be that damn tore up over us simply not talking as often... or her going through a breakup...... literally figured it out at the worst possibly time. THEN I was worried I just felt that way cause of the high so I just started writing everything out figuring like it'd wear off at some point when I was writing so I could see how I talked about it all throughout.

...which led me to write for damn near 24 hours straight....

I literally didn't sleep, eat, or do literally anything else for at least a good 16ish hours then took a small break cause I had to put away groceries and i got a single thing of pita bread, ate that shit plain, then got back to it. Lord looking back on that is so weird. I don't know what possessed me bruh I think I took another break around the 24 hour mark, either ate or sat there thinking for prolly.. an hour? 30 mins? Then did ANOTHER 12 hours of babbling. I had been using that notes app for literal years with no issue. But ofc.. all that time of writing straight had it crash on me a few times with one time wiping hourssss of writing. I wasn't saving all too often not thinking nothing of it but that shit crashed and I lost like 36k chars worth of junk and that changed ASAP. Plus.. I learned the shit had an 100k limit... so that was fun.

See? Overexplaining and RAMBLING. Deadass went from writing a quick head's up on the length of this post to talking about my weird ass drug induced love note shit. Why am i like this. ;-;

Anyway. Past this point is past me. Sorry for getting carried away in the warning

I wrote about this in a previous post but essentially, some random got the wrong idea and thought I was using Juice as my pfp as some sort of mockery? joke? i dunno

shits totally understandable and I'm sure anyone would figure out that ain't my intention after looking at my page for about .2 seconds. i mean.. if I were using him as the butt of some sort of joke you'd figure I'd mention it or something lol. Maybe that's only obvious to me though..

Anyway, I may change it to something new. I usually change my pfps for stuff fairly frequently if I'm on it a lot. When me and R were on the phone 24/7 I used to change my disc pfp at least 2-3 times within a 2 week period 😭

I dunno though I mean.. on one hand I don't really want this page to have all too many of my interests on it as for one I'm trying to stay at least semi anonymous but also I feel like it'd kinda be odd.. The Juice profile pic is one thing, as I listen to him all the damn time and I relate to a lot of his work. But I dunno.. wouldn't it be weird if I suddenly just changed my profile picture to a character that I like just cause they're cool? Wouldn't my page be more memorable if I have like. MY pfp MY username MY bio. Sorry it's hard to explain..

Like.. youtubers. They usually have a pfp and they keep it as that same one and people remember and recognize them off it. Or a few other types of influencers honestly. I feel like it's one thing when it's a personal acc where you really don't need people to recognize you off your pfp or user cause they'd just know you but my acc is kinda a grey area. I know damn well I ain't an influencer but I ain't exactly someone you'd just remember.

Maybe I'll compromise and only use Juice pictures.. I dunno

Speaking of Juice, I feel like now that I've been getting worse and worse his music became so much more relatable. I can't tell you how many times I've cried with my earbuds blaring 27 club. I wish I could share it all. I've never been a huge stickler for lyrics but growing up and going from understanding the story of a song to relating and living though the situations described has hit me so hard. I'm sure it ain't exactly a unique experience but still. It'd be cool to share my music and be able to talk about how I use each playlist and what it makes me think/feel

I would just link my spotify and keep it moving but ya know. More puzzle pieces of my identity

I think if I ever permanently kick the habit I might reveal myself but thats honestly a strooong maybe. I dunno like it aint so much of being ashamed/embarrassed of my addiction. Although, I won't exactly go around telling any and everyone I'm addicted to fucking otc allergy meds. i think R is the only one that knows specifically that I take dph. Everyone else I either never mention getting high or if I have I've only talked about weed highs. It just feels embarrassing given it's horrible hallucinatory effects on most people. While I don't get those, how th would they know that you know? 9 times out of 10 they're gonna google that shit, see mfs talking about having ghost conversations and the gosh dang hatman, then gon look at me crazy for continuing to take it over and over again. So yeah definitely a big factor, but I am honestly more worried about some concerned stranger finding my social media and telling my family/friends about this page or about my problem. That is my worst fear.

For one, this page is basically a diary. I go into specifics on shit that I would never tell anyone. Not that I'm particularly tooo ashamed of the shit I say about my personal life but

-A lot of it is not meant to be shit that just anyone knows. It's one thing when I'm just writing to the abyss/random strangers that wouldn't know who I'm talking about but if my family/friends were able to access this I'd have to be so much more guarded and careful about what I say on here cause they could more than likely guess or already know who I'm talking about

-Some of it is shit that I never want to discuss. I don't think I went too in detail on family dynamics but I don't even wanna bother opening that can of worms I'd rather pretend with everyone else that there is no issue and just do me once I leave

-Plus a lot of it is hypercritical shit I shouldn't even be thinking, let alone talking about. Just imagine finding out that one of your friends was out here telling everybody and they grandma that your boyfriend fucking sucks and you are clearly being blinded by their love for them? Or talking about how you know they won't last? Just like.. okay for one, even if they were right, you're not going to see it that way. You're gonna be questioning why they were doubting your relationship first and foremost but then I mean.. who wants to hear that? They're probably gonna tell you less about it and it'll strain yalls relationship, if not end it right then and there. Then by the time you can see it for what it is, it's 3 years later and it'd be awkward to become friends again

It does suck though. It would be real cool to make friends with someone cause of all my word vomit filled posts. I would love to show everyone all the shit I like to do in my freetime and beg everyone them cat/dog/literally pet pictures. Plus like, I dunno ever since R's been in my life I've learned to love any and all types of friendship

I used to be so offended when I'd have friendships that I only can get so close with. I'm so used to putting my all into all friendships and making sure to do whatever I can for them as long as it ain't hella inconvenient cause I always assumed that because I do, they'd do the same. But after seeing friendship after friendship fading as soon as I wasn't doing all that I used to be so mad. I felt like an outcast. But I think going through that time where my bsf and I were constantly texting or otp it made me a lot less available as far as doing all that extra to maintain friendships. I would be so focused on her I would damn near forget about talking with anyone. But even once we had to distance from each other some, I was still used to how I treated my other friends

I tried to cling to my less close friends trying to create that 100% on both sides thing but it kinda got.. hard. Ofc, the inevitable mental comparisons were nonstop. Literally couldn't breathe without thinking oh but if me and R were doing this I'd be comfy doing this or oh my god this game is borin if R were here we would prolly be doing our own thing by now and just talk instead or bruh I am literally on hour 459 of bubbly me if R was here I could probably get away with listening to whatever was going on in the background that day 💀💀💀

After I started doing that and started understanding my feelings, I kinda saw that I didn't even really want that sort of comfort with anyone else cause I didn't want them to expect all that and put me in a position where if me and my bsf started to talk more I'd be putting them on the backburner out of nowhere. I didn't think it would be fair of me you know? i don't want them to feel abandoned and unless Im in a place where I feel comfortable to not have to be one specific way with you I would prefer being alone anyway.

But feeling that way now made me see that it didn't really have to be one or the other. I've seen that no one really minded when I responded a bit late cause I was busy with R. And I would run to her with all my emotion stuff so I wasn't all too bothered if they never inquired about mine. And thennnnn I randomly got this dm from this girl I talked to when I was still at my dorm and that's when I really learned the joy of that shit

Hm ig you wouldn't really need to know specifics on that for the point I was tryna make. Maybe I'll talk about her someday. But yeah it was just so nice like. Hey I don't need you to be savior mode, human notepad mode, or hehe haha everything funny mode 24/7. We aren't close and you and I both know that. We can just have our fun when we happen to remember each other's existence and come back 8 mo later like nothing ever happened

Don't get me wrong, I love R so much and I love that we go out the way to talk to each other every day no matter what. It makes me feel really good to know that even with us not being able to be as close with each other now she still makes sure we don't lose contact with each other. Things are really different now and ofc I still miss how it was before but knowing that we can both acknowledge that our friendship had to change but still caring enough for each other to put in the effort to evolve into something else rather than letting it all go because it aint the same is something that is so precious. I wouldn't trade that for the world. But at the same point I've grown to love casual friends sm.

It's nice to not always worry about how they're gonna think if i do xyz or I don't reach out every so and so many days. I don't always need to hide or do the absolute most to maintain the friendship we can just enjoy each others company for a bit then go back on our separate ways til we reach out again. No hard feelings if we ignore a text or answer late cause we genuinely have no idea what we do on the day to day. And the pressure of only being one specific way with them gets lesser and lesser the longer yall stay apart inbetween. I think the biiggest example of that is this one long term but shallow friendship with this one girl I met in 9th grade that one year I lived in arizona.

I used hate that since I just got there she had all these older friends that she would talk diff to and generally be more close with. I thought once I moved back to Michigan we'd stop talking after a year or two and we weren't all tooo close so I didn't think nothing of it. But then I think like.. prolly 8ish months after that we started talking talking then we stopped. Then prolly another 6 mo later we did it again. And we just kept on doing that again and again and again. It used annoy me cause it felt like she only would remember my existence to tell me about her breaking up with one dude and getting with another or house drama or all that junk. It didn't help that she joked about my life being dry allllll the damn time too so I felt like she only talked to me to judge me and tell me all this shit as if I was supposed to gawk at all of it cause I didn't do anything intresting in her opinion. It didn't help that I never really felt comfortable telling her about any fr fr struggles i was having cause of how I thought she perceived me

It all came to a head when she got mad at me for pointing out that cycle one of these days. I think she texted me soon soon after all that shit with R was going down so I was salty already offrip. She usually starts texting first talking about some bruhhh YOU NEVER TEXT MEEE which this time was a lie. When we got back cool cool a few months back we started to taper off again. This time tho I made sure to text more often during that thinking things would ramp back up if I put more effort into showing I didn't forget her. It didnt really help as she was being dry 95% of the time so I stopped after like a month. I said that and kinda passive aggressively said that we do this all the time lets just get to the catching up part. Which was true but at the same point, so rude. I was still under that impression that she was gonna judge me and I felt like I had so much to look down on so I just was overly defensive and hostile for no damn reason

We skipped talking that time around which was honestly fair. I thought we'd never talk again after that and I forgot it even happened ngl. But then like 2 mo later she reached out again and with my new perspective on friendships I really saw it for what it was. I mean sure, she can be kind of a dick sometimes and she is kinda a magnet for drama at times cause she is pretty impulsive at times which leads her to speak before she thinks on shit but like.. she never means any harm you know? And plus, she is so caring bruh. Literally would do whatever she needs to for her friends. I genuinely forgot this happened but when my old job fired me for not attending this mandatory meeting on my day off (a blessing in disguise tbh I was thinking about quitting anyway) she was SWIFTTT to do a fake review on they shit. I'm sitting there like bruh chill it aint even that deep and by the time I got that out she already wrote a damn review saying they had shitty customer service (which was actually true lmao), racist ass manager (lowkey true as well 💀💀💀) and they ice cream be tasting like CARBOARD (now that I couldn't even support they shit be good good T^T)

Getting close with R and slowing down to where we are now showed me there's alot more to friendship's than opening up about each and every secret you've ever had you know? I still consider R my best friend, even with us not talking as much, both us not being as open, or us not hanging out as much. That all sounds like we don't even like each other more damn wth. LOOKKKK. Sure, there are times where I'm jealous and salty about how things are. And ofc I'm still mad that I KNOW she will get butthurt if I watch aggretsuko with someone else even though I have literally been pestering her about that shit for HALF THE DAMN YEAR. And at times she's overly territorial over me and I be sliiightly tempted to do shit just to watch her show out and other times she'll say the dumbest shit about herself that makes me wish I could teleport to her with a rolled up newspaper in tow.. But like, at the end of the day she knows me better than anyone ever has and I know her in a lot of ways that people don't understand. We're super similar and relieving to know that you know? At the end of the day I know that no matter what she'll be there for me and she trusts me to do the same for her which hasn't changed, even with how shit is now, her effort trumps everything.

Which is something I've grown to appreciate a lot more in general. Ofc including on and off friends like the girl from AZ. It grew to make a lot of the small annoying habits of hers feel a lot diff. I noticed how we really never had an awkward easing back in stage.

Every time, without fail we start with

damn you DONT TEXT MEEE!! DO YOU NOT LIKE ME ???

>:U

*insert defense junk*

yeah yeah I dont wanna HEAR IT 🙄

Then boom we get to catching up. Plus 99% of the time she got a game she wanna play. We usually just go to that then continue on talking and junk for a few days. At max a week and a half. I'll send a message here and there and she be DRY so I stop and then we dip for another few months.

It's so weird to think about honestly. We've been friends for 5ish years now. I only have one other long term friend as my years of moving back and forth led most to forget I existed and I met him in 7th. I dunno to me her and him were completely different in my mind cause of the frequency and nature of our convos. But it's just like.. nowadays I tear up thinking about them sometimes. Sure they got they own pros and cons but at the end of the day, they're consistent. We've all changed a lot throughout the years and I know they've met soooo many people that'll probably not die off the face of the earth every two seconds and I'm sure they both have friends they're a lot closer with but they still bothered to keep in touch even when it woulda been hella easy to just move on

Bruh thinking about it now got me tearing up (...as you can see I've been drinking water today 🙃) They may not be the first people I think to go to when shit gets rough but they've made it clear that they care about me for more than what I can do for them and that is mooooore than enough for me. I hope I keep them around forever. I try to be a lot better on checking in on em nowadays. I'm not amazing with that shit still and I still'll go weeks without speaking but uh. We getting there T^T

Though AZ girl is the reason I say bruh so much.. I hate her for that TO THIS DAY. she used to say breh and bruh after every sentence and it would make the shit she be saying 20000x funnier. I tried to steal it for jokes too but then it just start slipping out and now I prolly say it more than she ever did ANDD she don't even say it like that no more 😭

...

I went on so hard of a tangent I literally forgot what I brought this shit up for.. I had to go back up and reread it's been like 6 hours since I said that junk 💀💀💀

SEE like talking with me is fun on one hand cause as long as we aint sitting there making small talk we gon go through about 70 billion topics within 5 mins but then on the other if you had something to say about a topic we already went past??

gl.

T_T

All that was all to say that I've grown to really appreciate distant but consistent friendship. To me, it at times shows a lot more care and appreciation than having someone listen to you rant about xyz. Cause I mean, it's kinda easy to not be a dick and listen but it takes effort to keep coming back no matter what we talked about.

Damn do you think I should give the girl from AZ a name?

Nah I kinda like that long ass name for her lmao

But look at her. I barely spoke to her for months and I basically swatted her away when she was just tryna catch up and look at us. Well. We in an off period rn..

OO actually she said she loved me the last time we were on the phone and I said it back thinking that she possibly was talking to someone else but just incase you know. BUT SHE GOT SO HAPPY BRUH OMGG

Shit was so sweet. I would say it more often if it didn't wear off the novelty so quick

But yeah like look at that. I've barely told her about any of my struggles and 5 years later we're still just as close. I can't even count how many people I've heard detailed and long rants from that just dipped from my life once they were doing better off and by the time they got back in that mindset they've already either forgot about me or think it'd be too awkward to get back in touch. Not to say it's easy to talk about that stuff, cause it aint. But venting to a complete random is not exactly risky either. I feel like it honestly has lost it's effect on me nowadays. I would rather have 400 distant and shallow friendships that last for years and years and years than the 400 deep and super relatable friends that just disappear once they find greener pastures.

I hope that someday I'll feel comfortable revealing my identity on here. I didn't mean to imply that any possible friendships from this are gonna be shallow by default ofc. More so was saying I'm a lot more open minded about a lot of different sorts of relationships you know? I wanna explore more types like.. as soon as humanly possible atp T-T

Anywho uh. I think that's enough vaguely pointed rambling for one post. Very sorry to future me reading this. I know you prolly gon wanna stomp me out for always leaving you so damn much to read..

me is withdrawing atp soooo I'm either gon try and sleep the shit off or get to solving that 💀

gn/gm depending on when youre reading this. I hope youre doing okay