#AHHHHHHHHHH I CAN GO ON FOREVER

[christophernolan]

Have you ever watched a show portraying your own religion in two different lights from the POVs of those who zealously worship and convolute the faith with their bigotry and misogyny and amongst the same people is a person whose beliefs are purely based on logical reasoning, philosophy and Sufism and felt such profound feelings of being seen.

[sleepywyrldbuilder]

I’M FREEEEEEEEEEE

[lucysarah-c]

"But… only the tips…" she said nervously. "You promised, Lev! Don't do too much! I only want the tips!"

Levi frowned as he looked at her over her shoulder. "You know… it's going to be really awkward to explain this to anyone passing by who heard that…"

"What do you mean?" she asked, offended. "I just want a trim. Don't cut too much hair."

"You know… I'm still not sure why I agreed to this. Somehow, it feels like I'll end up sleeping somewhere else no matter what I do," Levi complained as he kept brushing her hair, trying to even it out.

"Don't be silly. I need a haircut, and I'm not paying that much for the hairdresser downtown who uses the same scissors to cut hair and wood, and I don't have time to go to the capital," she insisted. "You cut your own hair… how hard can it be?"

"Yeah… but I cut my own hair, and if I mess it up, I don't care," Levi replied. "Alright, straight line?"

"Straight line," she confirmed. "Just a little trim."

"Okay," Levi said, passing the brush through her hair again. "Just a trim… how much is that?"

She rolled her eyes, annoyed that something that was supposed to take only a few minutes was taking forever. "Just cut the part that seems damaged—those are the split ends."

"Alright…" Levi said without much conviction. One last brush, and he positioned the scissors.

The piercing sound of the scissors against her hair filled the room, and a lock of hair fell to the ground as he cut. She curiously looked over her shoulder as he worked, her soft smile slowly turning into paleness and wide eyes that quickly filled with tears. "LEVI!"

"What?!" He stopped midway.

"I SAID A TRIM—THOSE ARE LIKE 10 CENTIMETERS!" she screamed, one hand reaching behind to check the new length, still only halfway cut. "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"You said a trim was the damaged part!" Levi argued back.

Dead silence. Her tears vanished as she gave him a deadly stare. Levi remained quiet, as if she had suddenly become a dangerous animal that could only identify him by movement.

"Are you…" her voice seemed to come from the depths of hell, "implying all my hair was damaged?"

"…No?"

—

Three knocks at the door. Hange looked up from their research. "Come in?"

Levi opened the door with his teacup in one hand and paperwork in the other. "…Can I sleep on your couch? Y/N kicked me out."

[velvetwyrme]

transformers one is out now!!! have yuo watched it yet?? how was it?? c:

HI ANON i hope you dont mind that i kept this in my askbox for a couple days because I hadn't watched it yet (wanted to make sure I was No Longer Sick, because being sick in the cinema is Not Great) and also technically it hasn't released here yet,,,? BUT apparently they've got advance preview weekends for like. the same price so Obviously I went.

ANYWAY I HAVE WATCHED IT NOW AND IT WAS FANTASTIC!!!! THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

AHHHHHHHHHH hold on I've been talking nonstop about it for like the last. 4 hours. fucking help me. or dont. I love to chatter and will continue to do so under the cut shjfkgnwmbfks so if you count this, it'll end up nearing 6. I'm... probably going to talk about this as if you know the general premise of the movie, but if not. Google it. Or just go watch it!! (Can recommend) I talk too much to summarise it fhfjfbskdnfkf

Vague spoiler warning because I don't know what I'll talk about rhdjfbekntkr,,,,

Edit: If you've been following me for any amount of time, you know that when I say this got long, you really do have to believe me on that.

My mom liked it as well???? She came with me because I didn't want to subject any of my irl friends to my tf rambling and she didn't want me to go alone fbfkfbkd I thought she wouldn't, but SHE LIKED IT.

Okay so first off: going into the theatre, I was so so afraid that I was going to have the same thought I had after watching Puss and Boots: The First Wish, which was- "I REALLY liked that, and it would have been one of my favorite movies if I was still a child." (Still a really good movie!!)

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THAT. I JUST REALLY LOVE THE MOVIE FULL STOP.

Anyway, onto my wild rambling.

The visuals were superb!! Gorgeous. No notes. Freaking amazing animation and character design and world design !!!!! I'LL COME BACK TO THAT I COULD YELL FOREVER ABT WORLDBUILDING. The characterisation is so so good, so tasty.

Also because I'm a huge honkin nerd...

The movie is largely focused on the dynamic between Orion Pax/Optimus Prime and D-16/Megatron, but the other characters also shine through really well, and they show off a lot personality even with the ones with very few scenes. Elita-One is a fucking delight I wanna kiss her!!!!!!! She's so cool and pragmatic and it SHOWS in what she does and how she acts. She IS better than you, and she knows it. Even Starscreams confident yet cowardly nature is shown with him lounging on a throne and slinking off after his fight with D-16, and he's barely there!!! RAHAGGHHH I love what you can do with characterisation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also my god this movie was funny. Even when the pacing is fast it's a GOOD fast. Comedic moments are used really well in this, and it flips smoothly between that and the more serious and heartfelt bits.

AND HRHFJFJDK okay so maybe its just my sense of humor, but I found Bee to be really really really funny. He's just like me for real!!! Talks too much, excited as HELL about everything!!!!!!!!! HE'S JUST LIKE ME. I also told my mom this and she was like. "Yes! He is jist like you!! He talks a lot. You would do the knife-hands thing. Also, you're wearing yellow." And. I was. I am. hrhfjfjfkkghdk 💛💛 Shockwave in this movie is ALSO very funny. He gets punched <3 Many other characters also get punched, but he complains about it. He reminds me somewhat of TF Animated Shockwave but less intimidating sgdjfbdjfbdmfbmd

Speaking of characters... Airachnid was so pretty. I love her design so much!!!! She's alien and COOL and I love her!!!!! She has so many eyes... (I'd ALSO love to know more about what her deal is. But... her lack of a motive/story is made up infinitely by strong screen presence and personality) Sentinel was ALSO very pretty and I loved seeing him on screen but I (spoilers) loved seeing him get ripped in half more. Those were LOVELY shots.

I brought my mini Soundwave along with me!! I liked Soundwave in the movie even if he didn't play a big part <33 The "there sure are a lot of waves" joke was VERY funny because I had the exact same thought moments before.

There are a LOT of cameos in the film and I kept going "AHHHHH [CHARACTER]". I get why they didn't add more as main characters- there were a loooooot of characters running around already, and only 2 hours!! Even so, I still wish we saw more of the other characters that cameoed (JAZZ!!!!!! MY BOYYYY!! I WAS SO SCARED THEY'D KILL HIM OFF) or had minor appearances because I just. I want to know what they'd do with the characterisation........ but that's what fanfic for for ig ehfjfhdk,,

And on the topic of lovely shots, theres a series of scenes near the end of the movie with no dialogue, only music and sound and. It's SO good. It's so impactful and beautiful and ausuaiaiurhrgh...

The whole movie is inherently sort of a tragedy since it's a prequel. We all know how it ends; what these characters become. But the build up to that is so SO good. I loved the character progression- D-16'S PROGRESSION TO BECOMING MEGATRON IS!!! AHHHHH!! I loved seeing him shift from one perspective to another and they made it believable.

His anger and betrayal giving way to violence- there's this one bit shortly after they are given the ability to transform where you See that violence in D-16 fir the first time, and it's shot so starkly in comparison to the other characters (who also fight to get away) and it's just like. Oh. There's the potential for something dangerous there.

It is so so interesting to me to see how that violence is framed in comparison to the others- all three of the other protags have their moments of violence- Elita-One is very very intimidating and used violence/threats to get her way, and Bee has this lightheartedness/innocence to his violence... Orion Pax is just. he's doing what needs to be done, he takes no joy from the destruction- he's fighting back, but I think most importantly all of them know when to stop.

There are the fights and punches that get thrown around, and then there is D-16 wailing on Starscream. Megatron RIPPING SENTINEL IN HALF. God that scene was good.

Anyway, sometimes in media a character goes through a Big Event that changes or breaks them, but here? There is no breaking point for D-16/Megatron. It's a slow spiralling descent and you see him taking one step after another, deciding to continue down this path. This is shown in a more literal way with his eyes slowly changing colour through the movie (fucking SICK SHOTS!!!!!!!) but there are a dozen more moments where you can see him decide who he is becoming.

IT WAS REALLY GOOD, I LOVE SHIT LIKE THAT.

And as audience!! Though we know this change is inevitable!! (This is an event in the past- the end of this is already written!!!) It's still tragic!! I feel for him!! I want him to keep getting back up in the face of Sentinel's cruelty!!!!!!!!!!

Orion watching his friend change, seeing them grow further apart... and he still hangs onto that hope right up until the end (and even after that!!!!!! He banishes him, because he will not kill him!!)

imo, they did Orion Pax/Optimus Prime really well in this one- he gets into a lot of trouble and it somehow works out. I think they do really well in making him feel down to earth in this- he's punchy and dynamic and has this unwavering respect for the people around him, but he's also good at being tricky and manipulative to get interesting outcomes that nobody else could have considered- he knows how people tick on an individual level and he knows how to use that. He thinks differently, and it's fantastic. Most importantly, Orion can see something nobody else can: a world where things are better.

Orion becoming Optimus... ough. aough. It's so!!!!!! AHHH. I loved all of the sequences that follow after. When his signature axe made an appearance I was so excited it was REALLY COOL. ALL OF IT WAS SO COOL.

The fight choreography is FANTASTIC and while it was a little messy at times (so much... going on........) it was fluid and dynamic and mwah mwah mwah I love it.

ALSO I SAID I'D YELL ABOUT WORLDBUILDING but this is really really long already so like. I'll keep it short as I can

The glimpses of the society that exists is FASCINATING to me. We don't get to see much of it, because our main characters are purely of the lower classes, so what's available to us is quite limited, but the class structure is INTERESTING to me. Unlike IDW, where form dictates function, this universe is driven (ha. ha.) on the idea that some Cybertronians can't transform (and thus work in the lower classes, as miners and waste management etc.) but as it turns out, (spoilers) they actually get their transformation cogs removed before they come online. And like... I can't help but wonder how they pick who gets that treatment?? Luck???? I'm dying to know.

ALSO I really like the Quintessons (sad they're not the the horrible five faced creature things. I wanna see the Weirdos!!!!) but I still think these fuck hard. They're really buggy and organic and cool (I adore their ship designs holy shiiiiiiiiit- just yesterday I was admiring all the bugs and monsters and crabby things in Guild Wars 2, and now THIS?? BLESSED.) And the CYBERTRONIAN DEER ARE COOL!!!!!!!!!! I like them. That's all. I wished we got to see more of the bio-mechanical parts of the planet...

AND AND THE PLANET ITSELF HOLY SHIT AHHHHHH!!!!! The city is gorgeous- the spires going up and down is mwah amazing. The roads and rails appearing/disappearing as they are used? PEAK. The MINES and the surface of Cybertron. They're shifting, moving, alive. I legit was staring slackjawed when they were in the mines- it's just SO COOL to watch!!!

OKAY. IM DONE NOW.

...

AUGH I want to watch it again. I probably WILL watch it again.

If you got all the way down here, thank you for reading (?!) and please tell me what YOU thought of it if you've seen it 🥺👀 Or if you're going to. I definitely recommend it.

[starlingstalk]

Your color is SO lovely would you mind if i asked for some tips on how you render and choose your colors 😭?

Thank you !! <3 I usually go in with base colors and focus on getting the values I want first. Then I work with color correction layers and gradient maps! For characters/objects/scenes that have rlly tricky, similar values or I just want to be rlly quick, I sometimes start of with grayscale (did smth similar for the blades).

Gradient maps are rlly rlly useful for when I want to make color palettes that oppose each other in a way seem more coherent or just pull a color palette together either way. You can see me struggling with doing that after I used that first gradient map (teal-pastel green-light orange-white) that totally washed out the purple, because it was between orange and green value wise and got pulled towards grey.

Another thing love doing is trying to reuse colors over and over again throughout the painting. So when you have a rlly strong color in one area only, I try and incorporate it in the rest of the drawing subtly to tie it in better. Underpaintings are a big thing as well. I draw over things; esp in backgrounds that‘d usually be one color, so all the colors still shine through a little bit. I do use that more for drawings that are more painterly tho. If you want that, dramatic underpaintings are the best thing ever! Have smth with lots of green to paint? RED UNDERPAINTINGGGG

I also am constantly thinking ‚where can I somehow put in a complimentary constrast‘ bcs those are heaven sent when it comes to nuance in color. Warm skintones/light pulls to green in the shadows and you don‘t even have to use green to convey that. Desaturation is my best friend. Though it‘s important to not that different complimentary colors will have different quantities in terms of visual value. Green and Red are on the same level in terms of color quantity, which makes them easy to shade with; whereas it‘s more difficult to shade blue/purple colors with orange/yellow. I could talk about colors forever ahhhhhhhhhh

Maybe the speedpaint helps! I‘m ramblingggg :OO

(I swear I typed out this whole essay and tumblr just didn‘t let me post it so now I had to write it again D:)

[ivory-lamps]

B05: Twins with Twin Souls

Characters: Ryui, Toi, Nagi, Netaro, Yodaka & Daniel Location: HAMA Summary: The protagonist visits Nagi who is weight training. They want to include Nagi’s own idea aside from the Oktoberfest idea… Proofreader: Shay

Daniel: 5 more! Come on, push yourself!

Nagi: Huff, huff, huff…!

Daniel: Alright, your Bulgarian squats have gotten pretty stable. We’ll take a 30 second break then we’ll start the side raises.

And 30 seconds are up~

Nagi: !?

Daniel: Bend those knees~ You’ll feel it if you do it properly.

Nagi: Huff, haa, huff, haa…! I’m gonna break… my body’s getting weird… ahhhhhhhhhh…

Momiji / Kaede: H–Hey. I heard you’d be in here…

Nagi: Haahaahaahaahaa…!

Daniel: ‘Sup.

Momiji / Kaede: Nagi-kun, why did you suddenly want to work out?

Daniel: He said everyone that works out gives off positive vibes like the sun, so he wanted to try it out too, apparently.

Momiji / Kaede: Nagi-kun’s really amazing. He wants to challenge himself in all these different things…

Nagi: Happy Lifestyle… #5… Work hard towards… your own… personal growth… Muscles… is the answer… to everything…

Momiji / Kaede: Yep.

Daniel: Anyway, what’s up?

Momiji / Kaede: There’s something I wanted to discuss with Nagi-kun regarding the park event.

Daniel: ‘Kay. I’m gonna go have a smoke, then.

*Daniel walks out*

Nagi: I bet I’m going to fall down the stairs if I walk out now…

Momiji / Kaede: That just goes to show how much effort you put in.

Nagi: Yeah. So what did you want to talk about…?

Momiji / Kaede: Uhh… I did some thinking for the details of the event.

But instead of using Raito-san’s Oktoberfest idea as is, I figured I’d like to incorporate some of your own ideas.

Nagi: My own?

Momiji / Kaede: Yep! Anything that you come up with is fine.

You’ve been doing a lot of research and challenging yourself to new things, right? That should help you form some ideas.

Nagi: My own ideas…?

……

Okay. I’ll try to come up with something.

Momiji / Kaede: Great. Let me know once you’ve got something! Good luck with your workout alright?

Momiji / Kaede: (Nagi-kun’s recent behaviour is also making me more motivated.)

(Alright. There’s someone else I want to see, but… hm…? That’s…)

*Momiji / Kaede open the door*

Momiji / Kaede: Ryui-kun.

Ryui: !

Momiji / Kaede: Ah…

(His left eye is a different colour… Wait, before, Toi-kun said…)

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ📍 Flashback

Toi: He had a cool eyepatch on! He said he got a stye.

Momiji / Kaede: (...That’s what he said, but…)

Ryui: Don’t come in here all of a sudden…!

Momiji / Kaede: You had a stye, right?

Ryui: What?

…Oh, is that what Toi said?

*Ryui comes closer*

Yeah, I’ve got a stye. Pretend you didn’t see anything, got that?

Momiji / Kaede: O–Okay…

*Ryui steps back*

Ryui: So, what did you want? Tell me and then leave.

Momiji / Kaede: Oh, umm. Kafka told me to tell you that if you’re having any issues with the funding for your new store or living expenses, then the company can provide support…

Ryui: Don’t need it. I’ll just find some odd jobs to do when I don’t have enough. It's what I've been doing up until now.

Momiji / Kaede: Oh, okay. I didn’t know you did that. What sort of jobs do you take on?

Ryui: You sure are nosy. Annoying, much.

Momiji / Kaede: Oh, sorry. It’s okay if you don’t want to say… Wait, you’re not extorting people for their money, are you!?

Ryui: Like hell I’d do somethin’ like that!! You don’t trust me at all, do ya!!?

Momiji / Kaede: Ah, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.

Ryui: I perform exorcisms. Drive out evil spirits. Sounds fishy, right? That’s the sort of people the Shiramitsu Family are.

Momiji / Kaede: Really…!? I think it sounds very cool. Oh, I haven’t heard what sort of store you’ll be opening, but is it something related to that?

Ryui: Uh, hmm. …I’m not gonna say.

Momiji / Kaede: Ahaha… So you can do individual work even without opening a store, huh.

Ryui: …I guess. But I figured I can’t be a wanderer forever. Opening a store also came at the right time, so it’s not like I decided to open one for you guys.

There’s something I want to study after settling down…

Momiji / Kaede: Something you want to study?

Ryui: Hah, are ya gonna say it doesn’t suit me?

Momiji / Kaede: No! That’s not true at all! Nagi-kun said this too! Happy Lifestyle #5: It’s important to “work hard towards your own personal growth.”!

(Maybe Nagi-kun’s influenced Ryui-kun recently…! If that’s true, then you’re amazing, Nagi-kun!)

Ryui: Yeah… He’s not cut out to be a leader. He’s way too nice.

Momiji / Kaede: Huh? I think being nice is a good thing, though…

Ryui: Nice people will suffer losses. They’ll get taken advantage of and sucked dry until there’s nothing left.

It’s better if the leader draws a line and knows when to cut things off during crucial moments. Just like the leader of the Evening Group.

Momiji / Kaede: Raito-san isn’t that sort of person.

Ryui: Yeah? Okay.

Anyway, speaking from past experiences, things will only go downhill if we rely on those sorts of people. No matter what happens in the end, it’s those who placed their trust in them who’ll get the short end of the stick.

…Sigh. If you’re not gonna leave, then I will. Don’t tell Toi what we talked about.

Momiji / Kaede: ……

(It seems Ryui-kun doesn’t acknowledge Nagi-kun as the leader yet. I hope they can be on the same page with each other soon…)

Toi: ……

Toi: Wow…! You made this table, Nagi-kun…!?

Netaro: It looks great! I bet Ryui would love to have it in his new store!

Nagi: You think so?

Ryui: Hm? Oh, uhh. I guess it’s not half-bad. Hmph.

Toi: Ani-sama is so happy!

Momiji / Kaede: Still, he’s basically as good as any pro, right?

Nagi: I’m pretty good with DIY. It’s always been a necessary skill for me.

Momiji / Kaede: Necessary?

Nagi: The bench I tried to sit on would break, I’d try to open a door only to pull out the doorknob and a light would come falling down on me… Things like that would happen, so I somehow gained the skill after having to fix all those things.

Netaro: Trouble is the mother of invention!

Nagi: I’m glad I’m a trouble magnet.

*Yodaka walks in*

Yodaka: Manager, should we head out to buy lunch?

Momiji / Kaede: Yeah! We’ll go and buy delicious lunches for everyone, so do your best with the preparations for Ryui’s store while we’re gone!

Netaro & Toi: Okaay.

Nagi: Alright, I’ll finish painting the walls before they come back.

Netaro: I’ll slack off until they come back~

Toi: Ah, Netaro-san. You can’t do that.

Netaro: Why not? I should catch up on some sleep now since we’re watching “AI Crash Landing” later, right?

Toi: I’m doing my best not to fall asleep, too, you know~!

Netaro: Toi, what do you want to do? Watch the drama or help your brother out?

Toi: Well…

Ryui: Toi.

Toi: Ah. Ani-sama ♪

Ryui: Come over here.

Toi: What’s wrong, Ani-sama?

Ryui: Don’t hang out with him. I’ll watch the drama with you.

Toi: Oh, you’ll watch it with me!? But your body gets all itchy when you watch that sort of stuff, right?

Ryui: Still, it’s way better than knowing you’ll be spending the entire night alone with that creep.

Toi: Creep? It’s true that things kind of get weird when I try to use my divination powers on him, but…

Ryui: He’s a bit different from apparitions, but how do I put it? It’s like what’s on the inside doesn’t match how he looks on the outside. I don’t sense any evil from him… For now, anyway.

Even without all that, I just don’t like seeing you together with him. Okay?

Toi: ……

Okay. If that’s what you want, Ani-sama. Should I just ignore him from now on?

Ryui: …Yeah…

Netaro over a loudspeaker: “Wow~ As expected of twins with twin souls. You’re so attached to each other – how intriguing.”

Ryui: !? Where’d that come from…? Ah!

Toi, you never had a mole on the nape of your neck, right!?

Toi: Wha? What?

Netaro: Brilliant detective skills! That’s my invention, Crazy Stalking Mole” – looks and sticks onto skin just like one. It lets me eavesdrop on people’s conversations and I can communicate with it, too.

I thought people would never notice it, but I didn’t expect Ryui to remember the exact places of Toi’s moles!

Ryui: This freakin’–

*Ryui crushes the mole with his fingers*

Netaro: Ahh~! You crushed my great invention~!

Toi: ……

Netaro: Toi?

Ryui: Don’t talk to him.

Netaro: Ahaha! He’s like a little puppet! Toi doesn’t have a mind of his own, huh!

Ryui: ……! That’s not what I’m–

Toi: What’s wrong with that? Acting that way will make Ani-sama happy, you know?

Ryui: Toi…?

Netaro: Hmm. Toi is earnest and kind.

Toi: I’m happy if Ani-sama and everyone else is happy. That’s my wish.

Netaro: Self-sacrificing and has the makings for a martyr. Perfect for a puppet.

Ryui: ……………

Toi: Oh, no. I spoke to Netaro-san. Sorry, Ani-sama!

Ryui: ……

Toi: Ani-sama?

Ryui: …You’re allowed to talk to him.

Toi: Huh? Are you sure?

Netaro: What about watching “AI Crash Landing” all night?

Ryui: …Only when I’m around and only if you watch it in our room.

Toi: ……!

Yaaay. We got permission from Ani-sama, Netaro-san.

Netaro: Yaaay~!

Ryui: …………

(I’m different from the people in that house.)

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[mackmp3]

hi mack i have not seen or read good omens but here’s 002 for aziraphale so you can be matchy matchy :))

hehe thanks murph <33 appreciate it

how i feel about this character -

HOO BOY do i have feelings about this character. ofc Aziraphale is so loveable and wonderful & i do love him so much BUT he's complex in a way Crowley isn't. there's this bit of fic that sums it up really really well uhh here's the fic if anyone is wondering

he is so full of contradictions and thinking multiple things at once and mentally tying himself in knots to get himself to do things he Knows are the right thing to do (or even just. something he likes doing) which is such a fascinating thing to watch but also really heartbreaking if i think about it too much. like i love aziraphale and want to give him a big hug but also i want to argue with him sometimes. like in the 1827 minisode he is kinda a dick and absolutely zero-nuances the whole situation, but it's even worse because you can see exactly how he thinks what he's doing is right. i will defend his decision (key word decision!!) to go back to heaven forever because He Is Doing What He Thinks Is Right. he's also such a sweetheart, i too would like to live in a bookstore full of dusty old tomes & wear the same waistcoat for ~200 years.

all the people i ship romantically with this character -

can only be Crowley. there's a fun theory Aziraphale had an affair with Oscar Wilde while Crowley was sleeping through the 1800s but lets be real here he's saving himself for marriage (/JOKING OKAY) it was flirting for fun at most

non-romantic otp for this character -

i really had to think about this one but i think Madame Tracy. i mean there's a reason that of all the psychics in london he ended up in Madame Tracy's head, i just think they'd get along fairly well. they'd have high tea together. scones. but in reality i think he'd mostly rather be reading than making friends. ooh and he'd get along with Newt too i think.

[while typing this i realised that in the Crowley one i missed that Crowley & Anathema would get along Excellently hehe]

unpopular opinion about this character -

people like to paint him as being completely brainwashed by heaven HE'S NOT STUPID. HE KNOWS WHEN HE'S REPEATING A PARTY LINE WHEN HE DOESN'T MEAN IT. CROWLEY KNOWS THIS TOO. HE SAYS SHIT HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH ALL THE TIME. JUST COS HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO SAY IT DOESn'T MEAN HE'S BRAINWASHEDDDDDDD AHHHHHHHHHH sorry i just really hate that one. re: contradicting ideas in his head!! working himself into loopholes for right and wrong!! people like 'ohhh he's so distant in *whatever time period* it's cos heaven brainwashed him after they found out he was seeing Crowley!!!1! HE'S BEING NORMAL HE'S JUST EXTRA TOUCHY FEELY IN 1941 & S2 THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S BEING AWFUL EVERY OTHER TIMEEEEEEEEE augh. sorry. anyways. moving on

one thing i wish would happen / had happened in canon -

ough it would have been fun to see him fem presenting. i think he would have a really fun time gossiping with rich noblewomen & getting into court drama heheee

otp -

literally can only be Crowley <33

crossover ship (platonically) -

i think he'd be good friends with Zachary from the Starless Sea - for one they'd hide at opposite ends of the bookshop and read in silence and just peacefully coexist. but they woudl not so much get into situations as try very hard to avoid every situation ever cos they're in the middle of a chapter and don't want to talk to anyone other than like. three specific people. & they both know what it's like to just be someone else's part in the plan/story & have to find your own role in it.

Aziraphale & the Eleventh Doctor was the first thing i thought of but honestly they're too similar they'd drive each other up the wall half the time. the other half they'd be good but the slightest annoyance & they'd be at eachother

headcanon for them -

we already know he can draw really well FROM MEMORY so i reckon he has pages and pages of drawings of Crowley in every ridiculous outfit he's ever worn, smiling and sulking & sleeping & drinking & sprawled over on the couch & he hides them away in a drawer so no one ever finds them but he has them.

baby angel :D

[steampunkcdplayer]

kicks my feet. g rose can we hear about the dnd ocs who are non canonically in love -kai

Okay so let me set the background

We have Copper (or as he refers to himself "The Great and Mighty Copper!!"): 4ft orange kobold (human years like 32). He's an ex assassin from the planet 3310 in the capital city. He retired from assassin work after an identity crisis and lived in a literal hole in the wall in the abandoned district. That is where he met Nephira, an unlikely acquaintance turned friend (Copper wouldn't admit that). Coppers personality is that of like cursing people out, being intimidating and grumpy, liking knives and other weapons. He's crochety earnest and quirky. When serious he's very dangerous (his assassin name was The Silent Sleeper). He currently lives in retirement and is a technology/hacking expert. Beneath the exterior he's a very sweet and caring guy but it takes forever to get there only Nephiras gotten really close.

So Nephira Quest! He is a tiefling (human years 35). On 3310 he was a well known fighter in the planetary competitions until he lost a major round with a large injury to his face which resulted in his agent dropping him. He turned to selling drugs (he calls the Good Stuff) and other things with the goal of becoming the centralized merchant in the black market sector. On the exterior his personality comes off very dramatic, eccentric, charming, and a little emotional and cowardly. Though he's very calculating and strong beneath that, always trying to gain power (for safety reasons) in being someone with the most knowledge (that he sells as a Fun Fact). Copper was his first merchant connection and they were acquainted before. Over time, Nephira really trusts him implicitly.

Both lore wise: they both escaped this planet together by hijacking a ship (+ with nephiras canon bf/situationship/ex/its complicated af) to go to a planet untouched by their corrupt government system where they lived out until my players current campaign screwed up that good deal. (That's not really relevant to this post).

In my mind thr romance: in my mind after Nephira and the third person I mentioned broke up on the new planet nephira and his ex (who at this time did canonical havr a very business only mutual pining regret toxic yaoi situation) started to spend more time with Copper and their teasing arguing bantering led Nephira to be like umm holy shit wait .....and Copper responded by being like ummm yeah im.happy alone lol die and explode !(but really he was scared of letting someone in). They then started hanging out more and Nephira took him out on a pseudo date where Copper spent a lot of it perched on his shoulders and he realized how ummm safe he felt and sooo they kindaaa yeahh dating begins ! And I imagine Coppers walls fall over time and he jokingly complains constantly how he's lost his edge and he's a sap and he can't be mean anymore and all he does is spend time being sweet to Nephira. Though Nephira does feel charmed when he's a total chaotic asshole to everyone else, usually Nephiras shoulders are used to perch so copper can better yell at people for being stupid and awful. And Nephira himself drops the charm and politeness to being real and down to earth. They are soo they are just sooo fuckingggg ahhhhhhhhhh

[lunawings]

So lately I have been having

EMOTIONS

about Tales of Symphonia

A while back I was jokin in the tags of a post about how I’m playing ToS for the IDK 5th time or something when I still haven’t played Arise. 

But dammit GODDAMMIT there is a reason for that I KNEW there was 

Tales of Symphonia immediately became my favorite game upon release for the Gamecube and stayed that way for a long time. Well. Most of the time. Because sometimes, I forget. I have played a lot of Tales games and a lot of them (Abyss, Xillia, Zestiria...) have had a pretty huge impact on me on release. So, I do forget. But when I pick up Symphonia again, I remember. 

The affection system just changes EVERYTHING! I am continuously in awe, even all these years later, about how many little things it effects. It changes the dialogue, it changes where characters STAND in certain scenes, and like... they put so much effort into it that they must have burned themselves out because they never did it again in another Tales game! Yeah, I don’t know anything about Arise, but as far as I know, they never even came close! GAH! 

So it’s been years but I vaguely remembered that when Sheena joins your party has to do with the path you take. So I tried to get her early but I ended up screwing up (because I couldn’t find Hima) so I went back to the normal path but I still didn’t know how to find her again and felt like I was wandering the map forever like SHEENA SHEEEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAA where are you ( ._.)

I didn’t want to check a walkthrough but finally I did after she joined after curiosity, and I found that the point where she joins you if she likes you is actually the more common outcome. She can join you even later than I thought if she doesn’t like you BUT that’s actually the least common outcome because basically you have to be mean to her in order to get that. And nobody wants to be mean to Sheena because I CANNOT find a playthrough where that happens!!! I’m curious! I wanna see it! ...But I don’t wanna be mean to Sheena ( ToT) If anyone knows of a video where Sheena joins during the Asgrad Ranch let me knowwwww....

(Edit: I finally found one.  Dad’s Freetime Classic Gaming hates Sheena apparently, thank you for that hahah.)

Speaking of being mean to characters, the game begins in a way that it’s somewhat harder to get the characters who join your party later in the game to like you the best. Well, you can, but you have to be sorta mean to the characters early in the game. Especially Colette. 

Now. Younger me, aka the Zelloyd shipper, had absolutely no problem with this. Zelos was her favorite character. Screw Colette with her perfect blonde hair and her sparkly angel wings who does she think she is. Zelos was my type. I mean, yeah he’s broken but I CAN FIX HIM. 

But older me...

I...

I ca...

I JUST CAN’T BE MEAN TO HER

I LOVE

I LOVE COLETTE 

I just I understand her so much better now. She’s NOT perfect. She’s not perfect at all. How she hides her pain so that no one will worry about her is SO RELATABLE. Colette COME HERE SO I CAN PROTECT YOU. 

AHHHHHHHHHH

I’d love to get a later character I’ve never gotten before like Presea to like me the best but the way things are going I’m probably gonna end up with Colette.... uuuuu...

And I still have yet to meet...

I want to think I’m over guys like that. I ca... I can’t fix him. 

Him. 

The idiot chosen himself.

But

I don’t know. I’m scared HAHAHA nnnnOOOOOOOOO

[phoenixsoul13]

peeking in the mailbox for Vera lore… i need to read up on fallout so i can ask relevant questions lmao.. anything just that you’re thinking about with her playlist?? 👀

ahhhhhhhhhh 💕

thinking about how lonely it is being forced out into the wasteland after growing up in the vault. Growing up surrounded by people she knew all the names of and then out exploring the wastes, she could go days and only meet a handful of strangers.

also feeling a lot of things about her and her dad's relationship, 'cause his actions are the inciting incident of Fallout 3. Finding out he's lied to her her whole life (about always being in the vault), but she can't talk with him about it because he's run off! so now she has to go find him out in a strange new world.

and then shortly after she finally finds him but before they can sit down and properly talk shit out, she watches him die. 😢

so now she has so many complicated feelings about her dad that she has a hard time processing because he's now forever beyond her reach.

and that's why i have two Repo songs on her playlist XD (although James, her dad, had good intentions for what he was doing; Nathan from Repo is.... a whole fucking other thing, omg.)

[isleofdarkness]

Dude- you can't do this to me. Oh my god, that was AWESOME. I'm literally shaking. What the hell.

I can feel the desperation and anguish in that room so fucking well. Your writing is just so cosmically good. Can't wait for this chapter to be complete.

I don't know what to say other than how the fuck I didn't realize Sunshine was already born, I'm so stupid.

These fuckers break my heart, they love their babies so much. Bonus points for Diego's Spanish line, my mexican ass loved that.

So many people are getting involved, this is going to be wild.

Your character designs are so cool, everyone is so different and it's a breath of fresh air from the "every character has white features and normative bodies" shit media has been doing forever. Justice is strong and she LOOKS strong and I love that.

I also love the fact that Ben refers to Justice as "the tank" and I'm dying to know what she would think of that.

Hatti is great, I just knew I was going to adore her since I saw she was Loki and Circe's daughter. Loved her chaotic energy, too. She's not like that because of who her parents are, that's just the average 13-years-old girl/j

LYDIA IS HEREEEEE JWODNQIDNQKSKQMSKQ KAKDKADNKAJDAKKSAKKS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I love that she's so tiny that Ben confused her with a ten-year-old.

“ "I got two hours or else Constantine..." she grimaced. "Yeah, you know." ” Are you trying to kill me or what. Because if you are, is working.

I don't know what it is but I love the way Lydia talks, it's quite similar to Maverick's speech but at the same time different(? Her speech is just so outstanding to me and it's weird because it's not really different from the rest. I don't know if you did that on purpose or if it's just my obsession for her doing its thing, lol.

Now I really want to know what your process is when giving your characters a voice and differentiating that voice from the rest (considering the number of characters you handle, too).

This does not reflect the emotional damage this has had on me so I will proceed to AAHHHHHH HELP IM IN PAIN AHHHHHHHHHH HELP ME AHHHHHHH MY BABIES AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-Dante.

Gods please give me the strength to finish this chapter just so I can see how Dante anon will react.

I mean, she's a newborn and my old posts did have her not even born yet, so that's on me.

Oh boy, you're going to murder me.

All these people and no one has had more than two hours of sleep in the past three days.

Thank you. I love describing Justice because she's taller than literally everyone and usually bigger. The girl looks like she could bench-press a tank and she can and I love that.

Oh, she would go on a whole rant. She doesn't mind it when Isle people do it but King Ben? She would spend fifteen minutes yelling at him about how she wants to dress all feminine and grow out her hair but no, she's locked on the Isle of constant war and all of that stuff would put her in danger so she can't do any of that. She likes being a tank to the Isle people, but it's poking a bruise when it's Ben

I am so glad you love Hati

If Lydia had time she would have gone on The Whole Rant but, unfortunately, they have to get Riah off of the Isle as fast as possible.

Oh, I'm not trying to kill you. I'm trying to kill Ben/lh

The Isle has a lot of different dialects and ways of speaking and Lydia's trying to adopt the same one as Maverick and Mara, but her speech is different because she grew up with a different dialect. Honestly, the language on the Isle could be its own post.

I just keep their personalities in mind. It's hard to explain but maybe I'll do a post about it sometime

Oh man, I can't wait to finish this chapter

[hopeurokays]

WENT AND SAW THE ERAS TOUR MOVIE LIKE AN HOUR AGO AND AHHHHHHHHHH. IT WAS SO GOOD (spoilers under the cut)

so my movie theater didn't have popcorn buckets bc their shipment is currently lost

but i got a cup and a poster

i planned on making like 50 bracelets but ended up only making like 20

which is good though cause pretty much nobody had bracelets to trade

i traded 1 and gave out all but 2

i don't know how people don't cry the entire concert

bc i almost cried several times during the movie so the actual concert i think would have me dead

so now im gonna go by era and discuss it

lover:

the opening made me cry

i whisper sung the beginning bc it was still kinda awkward and nobody else was singing loud

until the cruel summer bridge

then we all sung it loud

i LOVE the man and loved getting to see the things i hadn't noticed from tiktok (like the specific dance moves, etc)

the man and lover also made me cry a bit

im so upset she cut the archer

its not even my favorite song or anything but still

fearless:

iconic guitar spins 🫶🏻

everyone did the heart hands, it was so sweet

it was so cute seeing her band sing with her, they're adorable

fearless spins made me cry

love story almost made me bawl, but i held it together

i can remember being in kindergarten and saying my favorite song was love story so thinking about that made me want to sob

evermore:

THEY CUT NO BODY NO CRIME

i was so excited when i realized it was filmed

and then SHE CUT IT

anyways

marjorie made me cry

tolerate it was a materpiece (as expected)

so was champagne problems

reputation:

honestly no words

look what you made me do honestly almost made me cry

when all the other taylors were in the boxes

but still it was all soooooo good

speak now:

enchanted made me tear up

im so glad she wore the purple dress for filming

SHE CUT LONG LIVE 😭😭😭

ik it's the perfect end credit song but still

we wouldn't mind to hear it again

will forever be upset

red:

ngl 22 got me

it was the only one that made me cry

and like i cried like a baby when she gave the 22 hat

i expected it to be kobe bryant's daughter, but it still got it

i was bawling in my seat

but then the rest was really nice

i loved screaming atw

folklore:

ive never seen video of her performing the 1 all the way through and loved it

also betty made me cry

but betty was the first song off folklore id ever heard and was made me listen to her new music so it holds a special place in my heart

also there was a little girl who got up during betty and started dancing, like throwing arms above her head and everything

and she did that for most of folklore

she was a mood tbh

I CANT BELIEVE SHE CUT CARDIGAN

WHYYYYYY

1989:

none of these made me cry, i was too busy dancing lol

they were all really fun

i loved the clubs smashing the car

also i love that she wore the pink one

i just like that outfit best

surprise songs:

i can't say im surprised it was our song and yoyok

and i absolutely loved them

but i was really hoping she would find a way to put all of the songs she sung in la on there

especially you are in love

i wouldve cried and died and just stayed there forever

but yoyok made me cry during the bridge

midnights:

i LOVE the purple jacket/dress combo

kinda freaked out when i realized id have to sit beside my mom during vigilante shit...

but she didn't say anything

i loved the vibes of this era too

other/end credits:

the bracelet part was so cute and clever

and i love the fan moments/bloopers

i do kinda wish the credits would've been styled more like rep tour's was

i also loved the transitions to each era and the text for the album name

it was all really cute

and i loved how taylor was still being goofy

i was worried it wouldn't be as silly as the shows usually are

but im glad it was, it made it feel more authentic

also the quality of everything was SO good

overall i loved it and if you're debating on going just do it (im thinking about going with my friends to watch it a 2nd time...). I'd give it like 1000/10 tbh

[hangmanbradshaw]

jake was very Slay in this chapter hell yeah. i hope he got the closure he was looking for <3 will be thinking about hot bar dancing bradley vs cute sick sniffly bradley for a few days at least

It's about understanding what you can control and letting go of what you can't. It's about accepting the boundaries you need. It's about learning to love yourself and let yourself be loved regardless of your past. I could go on and on ahhhhhhhhhh

Sniffly, sick Bradley is in my heart forever. I love him.

[weirdo09]

tell me abt miles x lucas au! are other characters shipped? 👀

ok so

i thought of it a while back bcuz they seem like a great pair n i was now like getting back into it

but yea, i was thinkin of hobie pavitr n margo meetin lucas and instantly fallin for him bcuz of his charm it’s literal bonus points if it’s afro latino lucas (i love him sm, could you tell?)

but like rio would absolutely love lucas because he has manners (*cough* *cough* doesn’t call miles’ parents by their first names *cough* *cough*) and he loves helping in the kitchen

i can see him and rio going on little dates as mother and son in law because lord knows rio is gonna force miles to keep lucas like how could he not? i feel like lucas n jeff would be a little iffy at first (with his experience w cops) but i feel like they would look at it and play basketball together.

aarons still alive in my head so him meeting lucas would be a trip like they say hi and everything the next you know he’s callin lucas his future nephew, miles’ just happy his family loves his boyfriend

OH MY GOD I FORGOT cookouts r the bomb once they get together, miles meeting the sinclairs omg erica would be suspicious at first bcuz of jason (she knew lucas was bi before he did) but then she warms up to him and asks him about his art and how long he’s plannin on staying in the family bcuz you gon stay forever. sue is the same way, she fell in love with miles and how he treats lucas and she’s callin him her son in law and constantly asking when miles’ coming over so she can have him taste her cooking, let’s just say, them boys never going hungry… 😅 miles and charles wouldn’t be so sure of each other, but they would eventually warm up, i feel charles had some homo feelings himself back in the day but repressed them and never acted on them, miles n him bond over that and the rest is historyz

i have so much to say about them,,, i’m so normal,,, they’re so boyfriend,,, ik ik zodiacs dont necessarily assure compatibility but they r so capricorn x leo ahhhhhhhhhh ‼️‼️‼️‼️

oh also lucas finding out about miles being spiderman would be so unserious i’m not lyin like lucas comes over to surprise mikes and he finds him in his suit he’s like “miles,,, YOURE SPIDERMAN?!” then it’s like this whole explanation and all lucas says is “i knew he was black,,,”

OMG lucas and billie (if shes ever introduced) he would treat her like his own sister, he already got a sister but him and billie would be so attached to each other like miles and lucas always have her and whenever lucas comes over the first thing is asks is where’s billie (miles is slightly hurt by this but lucas fixes it w kisses) like as soon as they get billie, it’s over. they pretending like she’s their own daughter and playing family together ahhhhhhh

you can tell i love them so much, i need to make headcanons i need to make more content THEYVE TAKEN OVER MY BRAIN ‼️‼️ 😭😭

[neteluvr-library]

ANDRA BBY IM SO SORRY FOR THE SPAM AGAIN BUT LIKE....it must be done???? i dont make the rules ): don't mind me cruising through illicit affairs. now it is currently 1 am so if im a little unhinged now so please excuse my thoughts AHAHAHAH

Just you and me. Just you and me. Just you and me. 

ANDRA YOU CHEEKY BASTARD YOU!!!!!!! im gonna have to find every "just you and me" reference now.

You’d recognise this voice anywhere, for the rest of your life, this voice was going to be able to pull you out of the deepest shadows and into the light. You opened your eyes and willed them to focus past the tears, past the blood you could feel on your hands and feet and focus on the blue form talking to you.

SEFEHUGHBKRBJSGJRGBOENGFOBR IM FUCKING CRYING ITS TOO SWEET....but *spoilers for the archer* I LOVE HOW ATAN'S VOICE ALSO PULLED NETEYAM OUT OF HIS COMATOSE DREAMLIKE STATE IN THE ARCHER ): like everything really is a circle for them. they are A CIRCLE FOREVER CONNECTED FOR INFNITY

“Breathe. Take slow, deep breaths, can you do that for me? I need you to give me a sign you can hear me, Atan (light). Please, please.”

THE FIRST ATAN OF MANY??? THE FIRST CHARACTER NAME WE GET FOR Y/N????? not about illicit affairs but MiM...but im really glad Y/N has Vi as her nickname now like after atan and vol, it just didn't seem right that MiM y/n didn't have a name?? what else were we gonna refer to her as? SHE NEEDED A NICKNAME ATAN, VOL, AND VI ARE THE HOLY TRINITY. makes me wonder if y/n in false god will have an iconic nickname 😝

Your new body fit into his like the final piece of the puzzle you were both trying to solve all your lives. 

GGODAMN IT THIS IS TOO GOOD.

He was bawling now, bringing his knees to his chest and settling his head on them. “I feel like my being in her life will kill her.”

OOOF THIS PART!!! This scene is one of the best in illicit affairs because it gives great insight in why neteyam and atan's relationship is so straight. He's very noble in his reasoning and i think its logical. If atan is constantly hurt when he's around, he must be the issue right? WRONG!!!!! like seriously why did he think leaving was the best choice 😭 but also to know he loves her so much he is willing to leave her at the small chance of making her life easier (except it didn't) is so !!!!! (no words--sorry its 1 am). ITS LITERALLY JUST UNFORTUNATE COINCIDENCES AHHHHHHHHHH. i picture neteyam sobbing and heaving and it makes me so sad pls i want to hold him forever and reassure him that NO DO NOT LEAVE ATAN PLEASEEEEEE

“Your dad and I have not said anything until now, because we know. We’ve always known how you felt for her. And we wish that she could have been Na’vi, that this could happen for you, son, but maybe this is a sign from Eywa to look towards the future, to start finding your true mate, one who will not make you feel like this when you are around her. Love is not supposed to hurt, my son.”

OUCH because I actually feel very offended that Neytiri would even suggest that Neteyam's love for Atan is hurting him. Like yes, it is hurting him. But not in a way that's toxic and harmful. I think he just loves Atan so much that it is overwhelming and powerful which would cause him to be emotional and feel everything at a heightened level. Not because its Eywa's sign that his and Atan's love is not good ): ALSO LMFAO AT THE DIFFERENCE IN TPYINH FROM THIS NOTE COMPARED TO THE LAST....you can tell i feel serious when i start using formal punctuation and grammar HAHAAH

You couldn’t take another dream, another anything, so, popping two Xanax pills, you crashed your head into the pillow and hoped for a peaceful blackout. 

This may be controverisal...but i love Atan's drug addiction? NOT because I'm romanticizing it but I think its a very accurate portrayal of what depression can do you and i think it added a level of intensity that you don't see often in literature and fanfics. Like...how many times does the female main character have a drug addiction? I really enjoy the intensity of it because it adds a layer of rawness (I'm sorry I use this word a lot but i think its very applicable to your writing) and depth that i like to see in female characters. NOT ALL WOMEN ARE PRISTINE AND PERFECT AND GRACEFUL like yes we suffer too and sometimes that suffering manifest in less than pretty ways

“Ow, ow, ow!! Kiri, stop that! They were next to my sleeping bag, don’t leave your shit everywhere if you don’t want people to step on it.” 

“NOT PEOPLE, LO’AK. YOU! IT’S ALWAYS YOU!”

HAHAHAH I LOVE THIS ITS SO FUNNY. BEST BROTHER SISTER DUO GOES TO LOAK AND KIRI

You saw it in yourself and your day to day struggle to empty your cup, your mind always looking for meaning, and answers, and ways to fix and analyse and quantify. Always requiring proof, never being able to just be and watch and observe things and beings for what they are, not what they could be.

This is very profound and fitting for human nature. We need to THINK less and SEE more.

He was gone most evenings while you had dinner with his family, and would only come back soon before you made your way to your tent.

This small detail. SOMETHING THAT SEEMS SO inconsequential....BUT IS NOT. i didn't pay attention to this line at first, but on my second read of illicit affairs i caught onto it 😒 you think you're funny planting these small details HUH?!?!??!!?

In it, you were weak, plagued by all your insecurities and fears and nightmares, all of which came out at night.

Same 🥰

“Well, it has a camera sight on the top for better aim and targeting. It has a second grip for better firing stability and has a long barrel that allows for higher muzzler velocity. Like most weapons used by humans, it can also fire 0226-LSAR ammo, and a grande launcher can be attached to the second grip.”

BABY IM SO SORRY I HAVE TO ADMIT THIS BUT...my brain did not process this at all when i first read this. i was like okay cool, BUT THEN YOU SAID YOU DID THE MOST RESEARCH ON GUNS AND I FELT SO BAD FOR NOT APPRECIATING IT. LIKE IT JUST ADDS SO MUCH MORE TO THE STORY AND IM FOREVER IN AWE OF HOW DEDICATED YOU ARE TO WRITING AND YOUR LORE? it didn't compute in my brain that you actually had to research this like ofc you didn't know this info out of your ass?

Jake has tried to be your dad for a long time and you just couldn’t bring yourself to allow that kind of love in your life anymore, not after knowing what it’s like to lose it. 

LET HIM IN YOU BIG DUMBO!!!!!! the truth is, you can crave something so bad (love) while simultaneously driving it away and that's exactly what atan is doing ): ... again same girl same 🥰 i also run away from what i want most bc of my insecurities 🥰

Pushing the knife against his throat, you applied pressure and made a cut. The boy tried his best to recoil, but the men did a better job at keeping him down than you thought they would. You took the knife and placed it on the ground, then took the syringe Lo’ak gave you and hollowed it out.

THIS PART TOO? LIKE YOU HAD TO RESEACH IT AND I WAS LIKE OH OKAY SHE JUST AUTOMATICALLY KNEW HOW TO DESCRIBE A TRACHEOSTOMY?? THATS A LOT OF RESEARCH FOR ONE CHAPTER. just know i appreciate it now!!!!!!

You were an angel. There was so much hurt and darkness in you, but somehow you managed to spread light everywhere you went. No matter how hard life got, you never lost the desire to do good, to be good, and Neteyam didn’t think he could love you any more than he did right at that second. 

WAHHHHH IM GONNA CRY ): NETEYAM ALWAYS THINKS THE SWEETEST MOST ENDEARING THINGS ABOUT ATAN. THAT IS A MAN IN LOVE!!! atan...light...angel...spread light. i aspire to be like atan and i hope i can radiate light like her even tho im struggling mentally AHAHAHA ):

“It was supposed to be done for your birthday, but it took me a lot longer than I thought carving the wood.” 

this is so cute but also the thought of a na'vi sized guitar is hilarious. that shit is a weapon. LITTLE SONGBIRD ATAN ❣️

I have this dream you're doing cool shit

Having adventures on your own

You meet some woman on the internet and take her home

We never painted by the numbers, baby

But we were making it count

You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

GIRL FUCK YOU 😭😭 TIOEFJWIGSNINONHJOGOB S I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS????? I LITERALLY DONT REMEBER THE 1 BEING IN ILLICIT AFFAIRS. IM SOBBING BECAUSE I CAN ONLY ASSOCIATE THIS SONG WITH NETEYAM AND VOL NOW GHIHOIBA IM AHHHHHHHHHH it does fit very well in this scene. THE 1 GIVES ME SUCH A GUT REACTION I CANT ITS LIKE A TRIGGER BUT ALSO I LOVE IT SM WHYNWOULD YOU DO THIS ?

You didn’t realise you forgot to put a mask on in your distracted state, and with the hood prepped and ready to go, you removed the blood from the fridge where you kept it while everything you ready and made your way to your work station.

OOP- 😈

this was actually super longjfongnbaIG OKAY ITS ALMOST 2 AM SO IM DEFINITELY GOING TO SLEEP BUT I LOVE THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE ITS THE CATALYST FOR ALL THE SHIT THATS ABOUT TO GO DOWN AND I LIVE FOR THE CHAOS AND ANGST AHHHHHHHH

Illicit Affairs | Chapter V: All Too Well

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: Neteyam's life changed when you came into his life the first time, and is now bound to change again, in ways neither of you could have ever predicted.

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, descriptions of ptsd flashbacks, cursing, blood, descriptions of surgical procedures, some fluff.

Word Count: 9k words (wow)

A/N: Chapter 5 is coming out a little earlier than expected because I am too excited to wait. We finally get to discover a little more about what Neteyam's gone through and his decision to leave, so super chuffed about that. I am working really hard trying to balance writing for this and being a PhD student, but I am happy with the progress I am making and hope to be done with Chapter 6 in a couple days' time. Things are quickly unfolding, and there is a looot happening in this chapter, so I hope you enjoy <3 I'd love to hear your thoughts x

From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did this love affair maim you too?

“Fuck, fuck fuck!” Neteyam ran faster than he knew he could and kneeled next to you. He was panting in heart-stopping fear, watching your shaking form and hearing your pained wails that were opening out so many holes in his chest, the pain was unbearable. He forced himself to try and remember what to do; this wasn’t your first flashback, this wasn’t the first flashback he’s had to walk you through. One, do not touch the person experiencing a PTSD flashback. Done. Two?

“Y/N. It’s me, it’s Neteyam, listen to me. You are with me in the the forest a couple clicks North-west of the village. It’s just you and me, there’s nothing happening to you right now. You’re safe. It’s just you and me.”

Just you and me. Just you and me. Just you and me. 

Everything hurt. You just wanted it over, you wanted everything to be over. You couldn’t hear or see anything around you, except yourself in a past you’d do anything to forget about. 

Just you and me. Just you and me. Just you and me. 

“It’s me. Hey, it’s me. You’re ok. We’re ok. You are with me now, you’re safe. Please come back.”

You’d recognise this voice anywhere, for the rest of your life, this voice was going to be able to pull you out of the deepest shadows and into the light. You opened your eyes and willed them to focus past the tears, past the blood you could feel on your hands and feet and focus on the blue form talking to you.

“Breathe. Take slow, deep breaths, can you do that for me? I need you to give me a sign you can hear me, Atan (light). Please, please.”

You tried your best to do as you were told. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Remembering his request, you nodded almost imperceptibly.

“I’m here. You’re safe. Please come back. It’s just you and me.” 

Just you and me. Just you and me. Just you and me. 

Neteyam… 

You slowly moved your hands, searching, desperately needing the feel of his warmth on you. He knew, he always knew. Without the smallest hesitation, he grabbed both of your hands in his. You looked at him, finally able to see in front of you, see what was real. He was real. Your tears fell freely down your cheeks, and without a second thought, you removed your hands from his and felt your arms reach out for him, for all of him. You hugged him tightly and sighed a breath of relief when he closed whatever space was left between you and held you close. Your new body fit into his like the final piece of the puzzle you were both trying to solve all your lives. 

You didn’t say a word. The world was moving on around you, but not you. You and Neteyam stood there, in the little corner of Pandora that suddenly felt a lot like a safe haven in the storm. 

“You’re ok to get up?” 

“Yeah, thank you.”

“Do you want me to carry you back?”

“No, thank you. I can walk.”

It was too late to continue training and you silently made your way back to the village. You felt embarrassed, and so you walked with your head down the whole way back. You knew there was nothing to be embarrassed about, there was nothing to be ashamed of, and yet, going back on your first day in this new body, having been given a second chance at a new life, you were disappointed that your nightmares didn’t seem to care which version of you they had to go through to resurface. 

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, Neteyam. I’m sorry you had to see that. I’m sorry you always seem to be around when these things happen.” 

If only you knew how sorry he was that he was always around when these things happen.

He couldn’t be sure, but he can guess what triggered your flashbacks. He couldn’t lie and say that day didn’t haunt his dreams, too.

Neteyam made his way back to the village that evening shaking and in tears, and wanted nothing more to take his Ikran far away to a place no one would be able to find him. But alas, he took his bow from the stand in the family tent and slipped out unnoticed while everyone else was having a communal dinner by the bonfire. He walked furiously, still shaking, still crying, until he reached the training grounds he used to go to every day when he was younger. He saw broken arrows on the ground next to some of the targets and felt it was fitting for how he was feeling. Broken, like no amount of care could ever bring him back to the arrow he was currently holding in his hands. He made quick work of the targets he could easily spot, then worked his way through the harder ones until his body ached and his fingers bled from all the now-opened scabs. 

“Ma ‘itan (my son).” He heard a voice break through the shadows of the now fluorescent flora surrounding him. He saw his mum’s steps before he actually saw her, and turned his back to her before she could see him, truly see him.

Neytiri approached him slowly and gently took the bow from his hands. She placed it around her body and placed her arms on her son, one on his back and one on his chest, above his heart. 

“What is the matter, son?” 

“Nothing, mother. I will come home soon, I promise.” 

She reached over and wiped away her son’s tears with her thumb. 

“Please, tell me what happened.” 

Neteyam couldn’t hide anymore when a small guttural cry escaped his lips. His mum slowly moved him away from the practice area and sat him down on the grass, that illuminated under their weight. 

“Mum, I’m killing her.” 

He was bawling now, bringing his knees to his chest and settling his head on them. “I feel like my being in her life will kill her.”

“Y/N?” 

“Every time we are together, something happens to her that breaks her even more. She found her dad, mum. She found her dad’s skeleton racing me through the forest. I almost killed her once because I wanted to get her out and show her the forest, so I almost killed her on my Ikran.”

“Ma ‘itan…”

“She wouldn’t go outside if it wasn’t for me. I push her to go, because I hate seeing her like this, seeing her wasting away in a lab, I just want her to be better, and happy and free, like she used to be when we were kids. I push her to go, and every time it ends up making it worse.”

Neytiri waited for her son to release all the worry plaguing him. Her son kept everything inside, but if you were patient enough with him, he would let you in eventually. 

“Neteyam… you can’t blame yourself for these things. You had no way of knowing how these things would turn out. Yes, it was irresponsible to take her on the Ikran, but you were a child. You wanted to help, and she loved being on it. She told me it was the best thing she had ever done, and that she is grateful that you thought to take her with you. Your strong heart saved both of you from Toruk. I am sorry about what happened today, that must have been really hard on her, but you were just walking trough the forest together. Any other place on Pandora, and this wouldn’t have happened. This was just a horrible misfortune, but it’s not your misfortune to bear.”

Neteyam was crying so hard he felt himself running out of breath. 

“You didn’t see her, mum. I saw her, laying unconscious on the ground. I saw the blood, so much blood I didn’t even think such a small person could carry it. I thought she died. I have nightmares about that night that I will never be able to outgrow. You should have seen her today. She was shaking and screaming and clawing at her feet so hard, she won’t be able to walk for weeks. Why must everything bad in the world must happen to her, mum?”

“We don’t know what Eywa has in store, ma ‘itan. She protects the balance of life, and maybe there is a reason for all this hurt. We can only help her the best way we know how, by loving her and being there for her. We have to hope that that’s enough.” 

“I don’t think I can do that anymore, mum. I don’t think I can watch her suffer anymore. It’s killing me. I love her, mum. I love her so much and there is nothing I want more in the world than to take her hurt and make it go away.”

“Neteyam, I think sometimes it is better to realise a hard truth early than live with a comfortable reality until the cracks in your heart are too deep to ever be able to be mended. Maybe both of you just need some time apart, to grow and heal on your own. I know you love her, Neteyam. But she will never be yours. She’s not one of us, son. You will never be able to be mated. I know you love her, but she is human. So maybe some time apart will allow you to move on, and then you can be there for her, as her friend, as someone who can help her navigate this life whilst living your own.”

“Your dad and I have not said anything until now, because we know. We’ve always known how you felt for her. And we wish that she could have been Na’vi, that this could happen for you, son, but maybe this is a sign from Eywa to look towards the future, to start finding your true mate, one who will not make you feel like this when you are around her. Love is not supposed to hurt, my son.”

He looked over to the girl walking close to him, the girl who was now no longer just a human, but an Avatar, a girl who had a chance to be one of the people one day, but whose demons did not diminish over time at all, and he wondered if they ever will. 

Soon enough, the lights of the village came into view and you were not ready to have to talk to anybody, explain to anybody when there were no words to describe the pain and anguish inside your heart. You wanted sleep, a deep sleep that wouldn’t cease in the morning. 

“How about you just go to your tent for the night? You can catch up with the family tomorrow morning. I will tell them you worked really hard and since this was your first day in a new body, you just need some rest.” 

You let out a big sigh of relief, and nodded silently at Neteyam, grateful and unnerved at his uncanny ability to understand your needs almost better than you were able to understand them yourself.

“Irayo (Thank you).”

Your tent felt cold and uninviting when you entered it, but you couldn’t be bothered to think about it too hard, and, as you let yourself collapse on the mat that would qualify as a bed for the foreseeable future, you thought about all the new challenges that dawn will bring. 

“That’s right, come on back, Ace. That’s it.” 

The light was blinding you, as your eyes adjusted to your newfound environment. You groaned slightly and removed the metal cage trapping you to the linkpod. With heavy legs, you got up and stretched your body as well as you could, trying to ignore the tingling of your limbs as the blood flowed through them properly for the first time in over half a day. 

“So, how was it?” Norm was almost besides himself excited, and you knew you had to lie, because telling him it was one of the hardest, most excruciating days of your life might dampen the current mood. 

“Hard, but a lot of fun! I learnt to ride a Pa’li, and Tsaheylu is unlike anything I have ever experienced. There really is nothing like it in this body that can compare.” 

“Ah, I’m glad to hear it. Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

“I think just more of the same? I’ll start learning how to shoot a bow soon, too. I, for one, think I’ll kick ass at it.” You said, hoping your amused tone and sly comments were enthusiastic enough to be perceived as authentic. 

“I’m sure you will, Ace. You off to bed?”

“Yeah, I’m exhausted.” 

Your human face staring back at you in the mirror looked somewhat better than the muddy, cried-out one you left behind at the village, but that doesn’t mean much when both bodies shared a soul, one that looked much worse than either of them could ever reflect. 

You couldn’t take another dream, another anything, so, popping two Xanax pills, you crashed your head into the pillow and hoped for a peaceful blackout. 

The next day, you were back in your Avatar body before dawn, and made your way towards the Sully tent, dedicated to make this work. It took a while to get the mud off your body at the nearby river, but eventually you thought you looked presentable enough to go ahead with the day. You promised Lo’ak, and Jake, and Norm, and yourself, that you would make this work, or at least give it a good college try. 

“Can I come in?” You remember to speak in Na’vi, and find the family eating breakfast around the fire. 

“Lo’ak you skxawng, you stepped on the herbs I spent all of yesterday collecting.” Kiri was screaming at Lo’ak and hitting him across the arm while he was trying to defend himself as best he could from the continuous onslaught.

“Ow, ow, ow!! Kiri, stop that! They were next to my sleeping bag, don’t leave your shit everywhere if you don’t want people to step on it.” 

“NOT PEOPLE, LO’AK. YOU! IT’S ALWAYS YOU!” 

“Bro, remove your girl before she maims me.” Lo’ak directed his attention to the human boy sitting in the corner, just laughing and enjoying the show.

You couldn’t help laugh at the scene, fondly remembering all the times Lo’ak and Kiri bickered like twins - there was no doubt in your mind these two were made to be siblings. 

Neteyam, sitting in a corner in silence, sharpening his knife, glanced up at you inquisitively. You didn’t like how intimate his gaze felt and with the perspective of a new day, you knew it was a mistake to allow him so close to you yesterday, to allow yourself to touch him and hug him and pull his body close to yours like he was your life support machine. A mistake. You don’t make mistakes. 

“Maite, come, sit, eat.” Neytiri came in and pushed you closer to the fire, placing her hands on your shoulders and forcing you to sit. She gave you fruits and seeds and motioned for you to go ahead. “Tell me how yesterday went! Neteyam told us you are much better at your Pa’li training than their dad ever was.” 

“Hey, I can hear you, you know?” Jake said, taking a break from cleaning a rifle to scowl lovingly at the mother of his children. 

“Well, I can’t speak to Jake’s proficiency, but I think it went well. Great Mother, the Tsaheylu was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, I never knew it was possible for a feeling like that to exist.” 

“Wait til you bond with an Ikran.” Lo’ak interjected. “It’s fucking awesome.” 

“LANGUAGE!” Said Jake at the same time Neytiri sent a hiss in her younger son’s direction. 

You and Neteyam made your way to the archery practice area. There were many people there, most of them accompanying their young kids learning to use a bow and arrow for the first time, learning to one day be able to pull their weight for the sake of the village and their loved ones. You stared in awe at the determination these children had, how unwavering and brightly it shone. It must be nice to be sure of the life ahead of you, be sure of your purpose and your future. 

“Right. Unlike Spider, you have not had any practice with our bows, so we have to go back to basics. There are things you always have to keep in mind when you shoot an arrow, and these things will take time. In time, it will become second nature to you, but practice makes perfect - although true for anything, it is especially true in this case.”

“First, your stance.” 

He removed his bow from around his body and demonstrated. You couldn’t help stare at him, couldn’t help trace your eyes all over his body, that was now fully on display for you, and adjusted your posture to now accommodate for the heat you felt in between your thighs at the sight. Fuck. 

He smirked at you and dropped the stance. “I’m going to need you to focus. Can you do that?”

You raised an eyebrow and looked at him, an annoyed look crossing you features. “Yes, I can do that. Don’t patronise me.”

He raised his hands, as if relenting, and apologised with a small smile. 

You raised the bow you were holding in your right hand and try to mimic his posture the best you could. He circled you, analysing every aspect of your stance, his gaze pausing on some aspects more than others. 

“Your knees are too straight. You have to bend them a little.” You did as you were told, no questions asked. You trusted he knew what he was talking about more than you’d ever be able to argue him on. 

One of his legs made his way between yours and slightly tugged at one, and you hissed at the contact. “Your feet need to be aligned with your shoulders.”

“Your feet also need to be parallel to the target.” You adjusted your feet slightly, focusing on trying to assimilate everything he was saying. You were nothing if not a good student. 

“Good. Remember, good stance means good posture, means consistent good shots.” 

He was a good teacher, you noted. Calm and patient, he took his time and never talked down to you. He explained well and was attentive to details, and you couldn’t help think this is, once again, proof of Neytiri and the clan’s influence on him. Whereas his two younger siblings were chaotic and a lot more human in their demeanour and behaviour, Neteyam was quiet, focused and determined. A true leader, a true warrior. The perfect son, Lo’ak words ring in your ears. 

He circled you once more, and you noticed your arms were starting to get tired. You didn’t complain, though. You were not going to be weak - couldn’t be weak. 

He placed a hand on your back and the other on one of your shoulders, willing them back in a straight position. Your body buzzed at the contact and you had to suppress a shiver running down your spine. “Your back always has to be straight. Not hunched, but not over-arched, either.” 

He placed both his hands on your hips, and you froze into place. His figure was towering over you, you could feel him, feel his warmth radiating on your back. He kept his distance, so as to not attach himself to you, and gently pulled your hips backwards. Your breath was laboured now, you knew, and let out a silent prayer that he couldn’t hear you, couldn’t hear your heart beat that you were sure was so loud it was noticeable within a 2 click radius. 

“Your hips have to be straight, too. No bending them forwards or backwards.” 

This went on for a while, just a slow torture that you thought was never going to end, until at some point, a few hours later, he finally allowed you to shoot an arrow. The pain you felt in between your shoulder blades and arms was nearing unbearable, but still, you soldiered on. You tried to keep in mind everything he told you all at once, and with a (hopefully) correct stance, posture, grip and bow arm, it was time to work on your release. Your fingers were cramping from holding the bow so tightly in between them, and with a slight whimper, you let go. 

He followed the arrow with his eyes, all the way through the air and past the target, getting stuck on the ground somewhere beyond view. He turned his attention back to you. 

“That was not horrible. Your arm is too low.” he says while gently placing a hand on your arrow-holding arm and moving it upward, furthering the pain you felt in between your shoulder blades. He moved his hand downwards and placed it on your abdomen. You gulped, and saw the ghost of a smile on his face. “Your core is not engaged, Y/N. Take a deep breath.” He waited for you to do as you were told. “Hold like this. Txur nì'ul. Stronger.”He didn’t remove his hand, that damn hand, until he was satisfied with your form, then let go. “Again.”

You spent your days like this, training, running, discovering Pandora’s flora and fauna, not as a scientist, but as a hunter and as an apprentice, with timid curiosity and appreciation for the life in front of you. For the first time in your life, you tried to see beyond the science and really see the miracles happening around you. Neteyam told you something on one of your walks that stuck with you. 

“When you see nothing, you will see everything.”

You see more and more why scientists, why your mother or Grace, or Norm or Max, could never make it here. It wasn’t because of survival, or training, or skill. You saw it in yourself and your day to day struggle to empty your cup, your mind always looking for meaning, and answers, and ways to fix and analyse and quantify. Always requiring proof, never being able to just be and watch and observe things and beings for what they are, not what they could be. This was all so unfamiliar to you, so strange, and you wondered if you were ever going to be able to see. 

After a while, the novelty of you, your alien body and blood ceased to be news to people and you were able to now be in the village without as much attention drawn to you, although the eyes never stopped completely. Not when you were always surrounded by at least one Sully, more often than not the two Sully brothers, the heirs to the Omatikaya rule. There was chatter in the village, you knew, about whether you were ever going to make it as one of the people, and how that would impact the future of the clan. Would they want yet another former Sky Walker as an integral part of their life, as their Tsahik, perhaps? 

The whispers of the people bothered you, but not enough to do anything about it. You knew they were baseless and premature, and had no intention of entertaining them. Lo’ak was your best friend, your brother that you loved and you knew loved you, and whatever other feelings he might have, you knew were just a side effect of hormonal growing pains. Lo’ak would outgrow you in time, and you were there to support him whenever he found a love worth harbouring. Neteyam, on the other hand, was a completely different story. The resentment you felt has never diminished in time, although the ice did melt a little after your fateful first day together. You made no efforts to engage with him outside of practice and he reciprocated the effort (or lack thereof) with the same enthusiasm. He was gone most evenings while you had dinner with his family, and would only come back soon before you made your way to your tent. You didn’t hate each other, but that was about the extent of your relationship. The intensity and heat you felt every time he touched you or looked at you in a certain way has also never diminished in time, but you knew yourself and your body enough to be able to resist him, at least until nighttime, when you were a human again and had a bed to yourself. 

You spent your nights mostly by yourself in the lab, determined to not fall behind on your lab work. You found having to have two completely different approaches to life very difficult, but in time, it was like you became two different people. You don’t think they’d like each other very much. Your life was split in two, and the bodies you inhabited made it easier on you to differentiate between the two halves. Your human body was weak, progressively weaker as time went on and you forsook the time to exercise it. In it, you were weak, plagued by all your insecurities and fears and nightmares, all of which came out at night. Your Avatar body was strong, progressively stronger with every day you spent running and training in the forest. In it, you were strong. A warrior, proud and determined and eager to learn. You laughed, and danced, and made conversation and learnt how to craft your own necklaces with Kiri whenever training with Neteyam got too much. You took Lo’ak by the hands and dragged him through the forest, laughing and swinging through trees. You took to Mo’at and tried to learn the healing ways of the Tsahik, as opposed to your mother’s medical training. Life was heaven in one body and hell in the other, and you couldn't tell which one haunted you more.

“Again.” Neteyam spoke over the voices of kids practising their target practice next to them. He had to admit to himself he was impressed with your progress. He knew he shouldn’t be, you were the most impressive and stubborn person he had ever met. He used to watch you patch and suture the Avatars in the lab when you were 13. They said your stitches were the best amongst the remaining humans. He watched you go from a child to a woman who seemed to know everything there was to know about everything. He didn’t know why he didn’t realise before this was going to be the same. You were irksome. 

You shot another bullseye and turned around to face him, smiling cockily and did a curtsy, he thought it was called. He rolled his eyes, but smiled at your satisfaction. 

“You can keep me here all day, I’ll just keep doing it, if not for anything else, just to spite you.” 

“Fine, we’re done. You are dismissed.” 

You raised an eyebrow at him, in that way you always did, that way that drove him fucking crazy. Being next to you every day was driving him crazy. He didn’t know what hell he must have inflicted on a past life to warrant this. Always watching you, and knowing that stolen glances will always have to be enough. 

You started making your way back towards the village, and he followed you. It was such a stark contrast to your first day in this body. You looked confident, and happy. He wondered if it was real, if it was possible that it was indeed that easy, and being here, outside with them was enough to wash your nightmares away, to heal you. He felt a flicker of hope raising in his chest. Stop, Neteyam. What the fuck are you doing?

The village was quiet at this time of day, most people gone on hunts or rides or training. Neteyam heard his dad’s voice booming in the family tent and knew Lo’ak was in deep shit again. He sighed. Baby brother, why do you always have to make things so hard?

“Dammit, Lo’ak, we went through this for a month. A whole ass month. What is this called?” 

When you and Neteyam entered the tent, you found the two Sullys sitting on the ground, with the patriarch towering over Lo’ak with a gun in his hand. 

“I don’t know, sir.” 

“I don’t want to hear that. Do you fucking understand what we’re doing here? Do you understand the humans could be back any fucking day now? War is coming, do you understand this, boy? And you will straighten up, Lo’ak, or I swear to God you will not be allowed to ride an Ikran again for the rest of your life.” 

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.” 

Neteyam felt you wince at his dad’s words, and he knew you felt bad for his brother. He did so, too. But also understood that his dad is only trying to make sure they are ready for the time they will inevitably have to go to war. He can’t imagine the pressure on his shoulders at training his own kids to be prepared to avoid their own death and bring death upon others.

“Now, we went through this multiple times. What is this gun?”

He felt the silence bearing down on him, and then heard your voice raise above it.

“It’s a M69-AR, sir. It’s a machine-gun.” 

All eyes in the room snapped shocked to you. You shifted uncomfortably in place, but your gaze did not falter from where you were looking at Jake.

“How do you know that?”

You looked down at the ground, and hesitated before speaking again. 

“I have trained with guns I have found over time for a few years, sir. My dad and the other soldiers in the unit left manuals, training videos, ammo in the lockers. I have found it and learnt about it. I never expected to get an Avatar, but I did not want to be defenceless.”

Neteyam saw his dad and realised he can’t tell what he was thinking at the moment. A mixture of fear, confusion and awe was what he was able to spot. 

“Alright… what’s the caliber of this gun, kid?” 

“.50 caliber BAT.”

“Ok, walk me through the gun’s characteristics.”

You didn’t flinch under the scrutiny of his gaze.

“Well, it has a camera sight on the top for better aim and targeting. It has a second grip for better firing stability and has a long barrel that allows for higher muzzler velocity. Like most weapons used by humans, it can also fire 0226-LSAR ammo, and a grande launcher can be attached to the second grip.”

Lo’ak’s face dropped, and although he had better control over his emotions, Neteyam realised he was also staring at her with a similar expression plastered on his face. 

“Did you ever shoot it?”

“No, I haven’t. I only shoot a standard 8mm handgun, in the woods next to the lab whenever everyone’s preoccupied or out. But I know how to clean it, field-strip it and load it.”

“So nobody knows you’ve been training on guns for years?”

“No, Sir.” 

“I can’t describe to you how stupid and dangerous this was. I didn’t think you of all people were prone to life-threatening idiocy.” 

You felt your gaze harden under his scrutiny and the familiar feel of anger bubbling in your stomach. 

“I’m not a little girl anymore. I will not stand and watch as the humans come back and ruin everything my mother’s fought for and I will not apologise for it.”

You saw Jake stand up, straighten his back and for the first time in your life, you feared the man sitting in front of you.

“Don’t you dare bring your mother into this. Your mother wouldn’t have wanted you to put your life in danger carelessly, getting involved in things you know nothing about. She asked me to take care of you, to teach you. All you had to do was fucking ask. All you had to do is come out of that damn lab and allow us to be part of your life, the way we have wanted to be for years.” 

You felt tears pricking at your eyes and without another word, you turned on your heels and left. 

You entered your tent and closed the flap shut as well as you could, half-considering using one of the suture kits that now resided in it to sew it together so no one can open it. You fell on your sleeping mat with a huff, and took hold of one of the books you have brought to your tent in the couple months you have been here. Your gaze stopped on one of your favourite poems, and repeated the lines to yourself, like a litany needing to be uttered.

“I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free——

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them   

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.”

You stared at the page for a long time, and let your mind wander. Why would he talk to you this way?

Because he cares about you. 

You thought he would be happy, proud of you for being strong, being independent and self-sufficient. You took care of yourself, you would be able to take care of others, of the people you loved. 

But maybe he doesn’t think you should have to do this by yourself. 

Why should you be ashamed of that? Ho doesn’t understand you, never tried to see things from your perspective. 

Maybe cause you never allowed him to know you enough to be able to understand.

He’s not your dad. He has no right to talk to you this way.

He wanted to be your dad, you just always kept him at arm’s length. You’ve always kept everyone at arms length.

You wanted to slap the version of yourself talking back to you. You really are such an annoying person, sometimes. And you hate that you make sense when you didn’t want to make sense. You wanted to be mad and tell him to keep his bossing around to his own children and leave you be, but you couldn’t. Not when the annoying you was right - Jake has tried to be your dad for a long time and you just couldn’t bring yourself to allow that kind of love in your life anymore, not after knowing what it’s like to lose it. 

A scream coming from the village pulled you out of your train of thought, and you made your way outside in a hurry. 

“Help! Help!!” 

You recognised the voice; Ewoaì, one of the most talented hunters of the village, was running holding a motionless body in his arms. His young brother, you noted. 

“He can’t breathe, he stopped breathing. Please, someone help! Where is the Tsahik?” 

Jake and the Sully boys emerged from inside their tent with a concerned look on all their faces. Neteyam spoke. “The Tsahik and tsakarem are away, at the Tree of Souls. They will not make it back in time.” 

Fuck, you thought. 

“Bring him here, NOW.” You spoke over the commotion. All the people who had gathered to see what was happening turned their gazes to you. Ewoaì ran to you. “Place him on the ground.” 

“Lo’ak.” You looked at the young boy, trying to assess the situation the best you could. You heard Lo’ak make his way towards you. 

“In my tent, there is gauze and disinfectant, it has the name 2% chlorhexidine isopropanol, find it and bring it. There should also be a yellow injection that says EPIPEN on it. Bring a syringe as well, no needle. Hurry.” 

You turned your attention to the man holding his younger brother in his arms. “Remove his necklace, now.” 

You started to check for signs of what was causing his asphyxiation. You opened his mouth and looked inside the best you could for food, or anything else that could be blocking his airways. You didn’t see anything. He didn’t seem to be having an anaphylactic shock; no rash and his heartbeat seemed strong. You were going to have to figure out the cause at a later time, but for now, your best bet, his best bet, was a tracheotomy. 

Lo’ak scrambled out of your tent, almost dropping some of the things on the way. He put them next to you in a hurry. 

You removed your hands from the boy’s body and moved quickly to apply some of the antiseptic on the gauze and wipe his throat with it. You got up, removed your knife from the holder on your chest, and made your way towards the nearest fire. You placed the blade over the fire and hoped that would do enough to sterilise it. For good measure, you also wiped it with the solution currently still on the gauze.

You made your way back to the boy and lifted your gaze to his brother. 

“This is going to hurt. I don’t have the tools to put him to sleep. I need you to hold him tightly by the arms. I need you to be strong for him. Strong heart. Neteyam, hold his feet. Don’t let go.”

You took your knife with one hand, whilst your other hand, tried to find the cricothyroid membrane, hoping it would be in a similar location to a human’s. Pushing the knife against his throat, you applied pressure and made a cut. The boy tried his best to recoil, but the men did a better job at keeping him down than you thought they would. You took the knife and placed it on the ground, then took the syringe Lo’ak gave you and hollowed it out. Carefully, you placed it inside the hole you made. You lowered your body and placed your mouth on the syringe. Sucking on it, you were relieved to feel air coming out, and you started breathing into the tube until you felt the boy starting to breathe again on his own. You removed yourself from his proximity and monitored until you were sure his breathing was stabilised. 

You let out a huge sigh of relief. You finally felt like you could look Ewoaì in the eye. “He’ll be fine.” 

His brother let out a shaky breath and extended his hand in front of you. Smiling softly, you took it in your own and felt his grip tighten at the contact. 

“Thank you. You saved his life. Thank you.”

“You can take him home. I’ll come by later and check on him, and if he’s breathing right, I’ll take it out.” 

You rose from the ground and tried to get your laboured breath to slow down. You did it. Tears started pooling in your eyes and you realise your hands were shaking when you went to wipe the them before they fell. Your attention turned to the Sully men waiting by your side. They all looked like they were -

-in awe. Neteyam was in awe. You were breathtaking. He heard this English word, angel, from his dad, a long time ago, and when he asked what it meant, his dad told him it was someone pure and good, who helps others and brings comfort in times of hurt…someone whose light can illuminate the darkest times. He didn’t know what that meant until he met you. You were an angel. There was so much hurt and darkness in you, but somehow you managed to spread light everywhere you went. No matter how hard life got, you never lost the desire to do good, to be good, and Neteyam didn’t think he could love you any more than he did right at that second. 

You gave him a quick look and he could see the fear in your eyes and the unshed tears, and the trembling hands. You were scared. Before he could move a muscle, Lo’ak took you and encircled his arms around you in a bear hug. You stood there in shock for a second while it registered, then slowly brought your hands up to his back to reciprocate the hug. You closed your eyes and nuzzled your head in his neck, and Neteyam moved his gaze to his feet, feeling the now all-too-familiar darkness of jealousy spread through him like poisonous gas. 

Eventually, Lo’ak let you go, and you moved closer to Jake. You were trying to meet his eyes, but he could tell you were scared… or ashamed. He saw you take a big breath and swallow audibly. 

“Jake, I am…”

“I know, Kid.” Neteyam was surprised to see his dad’s gaze, so angry and unflinching just 30 minutes ago, soften when his eyes looked at you. It was his turn now to hug you.

“You did good, kid.” 

You let out a soft cry and he saw the tears fall freely from your face. You smiled, and for the first time since you were back in his life, saw that you looked actually content. 

“Come.” Jake released you from the hug and made his way towards his tent. You followed suit and saw him picking up a gun from the floor and pointing at another. It was a standard assault rifle and you kneeled down next to it.

“Put it back together.” You did as you were told, skilfully putting each component of the weapon in its place. Before you moved on, you made sure everything was in order, and then you picked the appropriate 6.2x35mm 80-round magazine from the mix that was on the floor. You attached the magazine and took two more of them and placed them on your person. 

“Good. Let’s go.”

You and the three Sullys walked steadily for a while. Lo’ak and Jake went ahead while you and Neteyam stood back. He was close to you, too close, and you felt his right hand almost brushing yours. You looked up at him, and saw he was already watching you. His expression instantly sent shivers down your spine - it reminded you of how he used to look at you before. It was intense and soft and loving. You saw his eyes dropping to your lips, which parted in response and felt so exposed, so vulnerable… so fucking mad. He did not get to do this. He did not get to give up on you are like were a bad drug and then come back and give you this look. 

You expression hardened and you removed your eyes from his and stared at Jake’s back, which was all of a sudden a lot more interesting than it had been 5 seconds ago. You crossed your arms over your chest and walked in silence the rest of the way. 

You reached the spot soon after, and you noticed it was a similar training area, like the archery one, but this one had targets made of shrubbery that resembled a person, which had remnants of bullet holes in them. I see…

“Ok, kid, let’s see what you can do. Shoot the target in front of you, head and chest.” 

You took a big gulp and positioned your body. This was a lot of pressure, with the eyes of Toruk Makto and his heirs staring right at you. You took one last look at the weapon, then loaded it. You aim, then shoot. The gun surprises you a little, as you find the recoil a lot stronger than the handgun you usually practice on and the fire rate unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. Still, you adjust fairly quickly, then try again. Within 3 tries, you were able to hit the target exactly where Jake asked you to, and as to not waste any more ammo, you stop. 

Lo’ak is ululating and clapping, so happy for you, even though he was probably going to get in trouble for not being a better shooter than a girl who spent her whole life in a lab. He didn’t care. He loved seeing you do well, seeing you adapt. He couldn’t wait for the day you two would go on Ikran rides together and he could show you all the beauty of this world, the way you deserved.  

“I see. Neteyam, from now on, I want you both at gun practice and lessons, do you copy? She can learn everything else in the spare time, but I want her there. She’s way too good to waste on Pa’li training.”

“Yes, sir.” 

In the evening, you went by Ewoaì’s tent and checked on his younger brother. His airways were clear again so you were able to remove the syringe and stitch up the tracheotomy incision you performed earlier. You sat with them whilst inspecting the child’s condition. He wasn’t well. He had a fever and intermittent shortness-of-breath. His abdomen was in pain and he had a laceration forming on one of his calves. You made a note to bring some more supplies from the lab, and with that, took your leave. 

Dinner was pleasant, you ate with the Sullys in their tent, as you do most nights these days, and enjoyed the conversation that did not include you. It was nice to just be around their family and experiencing their tight-knit unit up close. There was laughter, and bickering, and animated discussions about what went on and what’s to come. Jake told Neytiri, Moat, Kiri and Tuk about Ewoaì and his brother, about the guns and the target practice, and they all looked at you with admiration. You blushed and thanked them, deciding the floor was particularly interesting tonight. 

“I think Y/N should sing for us! I haven’t heard her beautiful voice in such a long time!” Said Neytiri, smiling fondly

“Oh, I don’t have my guitar!”

You saw Neteyam’s eyes go wide, a rare sight for a man who prides himself on his composure. He stood up from his place around the fire pit, and went to a part of the tent that had a hidden nook in it; you’ve never seen what was there, but assumed there lay the family trinkets, Jake’s guns, clothes, etc. Neteyam came out from behind it holding… a guitar, you realised in shock. A big guitar, that would fit your new hands perfectly. Too stunned to speak, you just looked at him with your mouth agape, and he laughed at your expression. 

“This was supposed to go slightly differently, but alas, it’s as good a time as any to give this to you.” 

“It was supposed to be done for your birthday, but it took me a lot longer than I thought carving the wood.” 

Your eyes flickered between him and the guitar, and then turned to look at Kiri, who had a big smile and waited expectantly for your response.

“…you made this?”

“Well, me and Norm.” He looked almost bashful, and he reminded you so much of young Neteyam that your heart ached and you hoped you could prolong this moment forever. 

“He helped me with the design and the metal work, I had to hunt a few good animals to get the gut for the strings, but I think it turned out alright! He tried it and tuned it and it seemed to sound good, but I guess we’ll see when you play it.” 

You were still unsure what to say, unsure how to speak or form words or thoughts. 

“Neteyam, I don’t know what to say…”

“Say you’ll accept it? And that you’ll forgive me for what I said on your birthday? I really am a kurkung (asshole) sometimes, and I am sorry.” 

You nodded almost imperceptibly. His face broke out into a smile, a stupidly handsome smile that stopped your world and shifted it on its axis and you knew, you knew he was doing it, the impossible, he was getting you to forgive him, to forget the hurt and pain he put you through. And you hated yourself for being weak, but you also just allowed yourself a second, just a second to remember what it was like to have him in your life, have him radiate his warmth like he was the sun your soul orbited around.

“Will you sing now?” asked Tuk innocently, and you had to concede.

You toiled for a while with ideas of what song to pick. There was only one that came to mind in this exact moment, thinking of the man you still loved so much, loved as much as you did when you were 10 and he brought you the bracelet, at 13 when he took you on your very own magic carpet ride, at 16 when he held you while you cried in his arms after your dad, and every day in between, the man you needed like air, like that damn oxygen pack you hated, whose touch made you come alive and set your mind ablaze. 

You picked up the guitar and tuned the chords, slowly caressing them to get the sound just right. It was perfect, much better than the guitar you had at home. It was perfect. You started strumming a familiar song, that you never sang to them, to him, before, that you sang to yourself in that year apart and you wanted him to hear it, wanted him to know.

I have this dream you're doing cool shit

Having adventures on your own

You meet some woman on the internet and take her home

We never painted by the numbers, baby

But we were making it count

You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

You looked at him, and sang to him. He looked sad, like it was hurting him to watch you, hear you again. You used to play just for him all the time, singing feelings you never had the guts to say out loud, and here you were again, confessing something probably better left unsaid.

We were something, don't you think so?

Rosé flowing with your chosen family

And it would've been sweet

If it could've been me

In my defence, I have none

For digging up the grave another time

But it would've been fun

If you would've been the one

You finished the song and heard clapping from all around you and knew you had to acknowledge the others eventually. With a last look at Neteyam, you turned around and smiled and did a little hand curtsy as a joke. 

It was a good night.

You made your way to your tent quite late that night and you saw Lo’ak waving at you until you entered, placing your new guitar slowly on the ground. You lay down and tried your very best to fall asleep, which you felt was impossible, considering you were still reeling after the day you had. Eventually, sleep came, and you woke up back in the linkpod, with Norm’s face coming into focus slowly.

“Hey, Ace. How was your day?”

“Eventful, to say the least. One of the kids in the village needed an emergency tracheotomy. Thank God I had some supplies in the tent, which reminds me - I need to prepare more that I will come to pick up tomorrow, or you can drop to my tent if you make your way to the village.”

“Jesus. What the hell happened?”

“I think it’s this damn virus, Norm. I monitored the kid for an hour in the evening, his airways cleared, but he still had shortness of breath, a fever, gastrointestinal symptoms, and this weird laceration on his calf. His brother’s not sick, so the virus is not transmitted through air - at least I hope not, considering I shared the air in the tent with the guy for a while.” 

“Fuck. I will go check on him tomorrow and maybe take some blood. You can run some tests if you want to and have the time.” 

“I have some blood from someone else with similar symptoms. I will run the tests tonight, can’t really sleep anyway.”

“Ok, be careful, alright? This is not a joking matter, especially to us.” 

“Aye aye, Captain.”

You changed in some clothes better suited for a night working in the lab, put on your goggles, lab coat and gloves, and got to work. You were half paying attention to prepping the laminar flow hood and half thinking of the crazy day you had, thinking of Neteyam and his smile and his apology and ugh, you hated him. 

You didn’t realise you forgot to put a mask on in your distracted state, and with the hood prepped and ready to go, you removed the blood from the fridge where you kept it while everything you ready and made your way to your work station.

In a second, everything changed. That’s all it took, a second for your whole life to completely turn upside down, yet again. It always only took a second. A second for your mum to take her last breath, a second for you to fall off an Ikran, a second to step on your dad’s remains, a second to lose the love of your life, a second to watch the vial drop and shatter all over the floor, splattering blood all over your body and on your face, in your open mouth that screamed in shock at the instant loss of a future. 

Tag list: @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi

[tvonq]

im bored. can someone cute in my life show up so I can crush on them and get all flustered when they’re around me