#A vegan killed my marriage

[robynsassenmyview]

I am the Mushroom! Hear me braai!

"I am the mushroom! Hear me braai!", a review of 'A Vegan Killed My Marriage', at Theatre on the Square this afternoon.

IS that a cheese burger I see before me? Aaron McIlroy in A Vegan Killed My Marriage at Theatre on the Square in Sandton, this afternoon. Photograph courtesy Theatre on the Square. WHEN YOU HEAR complete strangers discussing their culinary habits on their way out of a theatre, you know that something has sunk into their sensibilities, and the play has reached them. You have this morning to…

[notmorbid]

hacks: season two.

dialogue prompts from the second season of hbo's hacks.

it feels racist in here, but i can't tell why.

i need you to take your phone and i need you to throw it into the ocean.

yo, are those ashes?

if you need to talk or whatever, i'm always here. except tuesdays and thursdays.

you've always been pretty entitled and annoying.

have you ever tried a regular meditation practice? apparently, it can really help.

i don't have 'emotional irregularity'.

i've never said this to anyone in my life, but i think you need to read less.

i don't need to see all the nasty things people have written about me.

i got the recipe from my favorite vegan beauty podcast.

you'd think at one point i'd stop caring.

this is the one place nobody judges you.

a dude did just call me 'socialist bitch' for walking out on the national anthem.

there is one thing that you could help me with.

___ is absolutely capable of killing me.

you're famous, right?

don't be a snob.

betrayal is the worst feeling in the world.

at least let me snap a pic of your aura real quick.

you're always trying to get me to be more honest.

you said you wouldn't hit people.

you're just like me. you're as selfish and cruel as i am.

once it's in your file, it's in your file.

i'm gonna be better. i'm gonna stop doing shit that makes me be impulsive.

haven't you ever been in litigation before? it'll be a good experience for you.

you never take my fashion advice.

you're talking in your sleep again.

i'm trying to be a good person, you dumb bitch.

get back to being 'good' tomorrow morning.

don't make me drink alone.

you're incredibly emotionally intelligent.

those compression socks are fierce.

you told me that? i must have blocked it out because it's so sad.

your assistant said you were at anger management.

excuse me? i am very self-sufficient.

i'm going to stay here and take one of those 'depression naps'.

i can only imagine what perverse road we're about to go down.

do you feel that society has programmed you to feel this way?

fuck it. i'm gonna start voting.

i do mean what i'm saying. i'm just saying it because i'm on molly.

good luck with your marriage. your wife's obsessed with me.

wow, you're hot and funny?

i was almost a victim of unprovoked physical violence. where have you been?

i called ___ 'mommy' earlier. i don't even call my mom that.

i think that was just a hill. now, you're climbing a mountain.

stop trying to cheer me up.

'one of'? how many stalkers do you have?

i'm kind of hard to describe. you kind of have to experience it.

no, it's cool. i love nosy people.

i was so lonely, i used to draw faces on our pillows and talk to them.

how'd you get that scar?

how could they do that to you?

i looked tired while i was sleeping?

i can't believe you won't just say you're sorry.

i was hoping you would just be proud of me for doing something.

i always thought you just didn't even try.

you will fuck up. it's impossible not to.

can we go out? i want to get fucked up.

i know what you're doing. you're pushing me away because you're afraid.

people want you right now. they won't forever.

you have to be a shark. you have to do what's best for you.

what do i have to even say?

i told you. you're just like me.

you've got your own mountain to climb.

i don't want to be here. i want to be wherever you are.

that's it? we're not gonna talk anymore? i won't see you?

sounds problematic to me. but what do i know?

[an-autistic-with-personhood]

PLEASE tell me about your littlest pet shop town that you made with your sister omg i’m on the edge of my seat

Oh my god oh my god ok

So we used to play with them with a semi-normal town setup, with the animals as pretty normal modern townsfolk. Our town had a king (as you do when you're eight years old), most of the animals had families, and the many, many children left over stayed in an orphanage run by a Miss Hannigan from Annie-esque cat. I'll just list the ways it devolved from there. Relevant quotes attached.

The dog king got divorced every time we found a prettier dog wife for him (his first wife Daisy was an absolute bitch)

Jessica the orphanage caretaker hates kids and only works there because she's serving community service. We never explored what got her there.

Whenever we got new animals, we'd welcome them to town with a hazing-but-not-really-hazing ceremony (They'd very menacingly tell them they'd give them a "Nice. Warm. Welcome." But then it'd be the most wholesome cutesy song)

During our NCIS phase, we killed off a cat so we could do a murder investigation episode. She dangled from a makeshift noose in the corner for a few years before we brought her back

Some of the children from the orphanage ran away to live in the dump. They sell spiked lemonade. "The feral trash children spiked the lemonade!"

Somewhere down the line, a campsite went up with a pair of manipulative elephants hoarding the biggest campfire for themselves

The cat that ran the orphanage (Jessica) divorced her husband, and he got a redemption arc (and a bad haircut) out of it. I think one of the things that solidified his decision was when she spent the children's food money on a spa day. "Chad, I NEED this!!"

Accidental Krampus Christmas Special. "Saaanta's waaatching..."

Horror Christmas Special with children-eating snow bunnies. "🎵Frosty the Snow Bunny🎵 is gonna eat you now!"

Strained marriage between a husky and her idiot golden retriever husband (he loved her so much but he was just such a himbo that she sometimes couldn't take it)

Several character deaths after our family dogs chewed on the toys

I came home once to find my sister and cousin had been basically playing Survivor. Yet another cat was hanging from the bannister by a noose

Himbo golden retriever saw a lady bug (Carlos) for the first time and dubbed him the "chosen one", essentially starting a cult. Carlos was just the adopted son of the local cat polycule, but ce la vie

We have an au fanfiction somewhere of the himbo entering the town for the first time. au town was named Larpeville, pronounced "larpay villay". He met a vegan lion named Leoche (the "che" was silent) and nearly crashed a scooter into the town's new leaders. "*Sister making 'putputput' motor noises* *screaming*"

Triplet horse sisters (Sandy, Brownie, and Snowy) fell in love with a zebra, but all took different strategies to win his heart. Sandy took a pretty normal "get to know you" route. Snowy was the blondest of blondes and just blurted whatever. Brownie went full stalker. "My name is Snowy, but my friends call me Tanya"

The zebra befriended the orphans and talked to them on his morning runs. Pretty normal, but I had to mention my sister's genius improv when she blurted out Carlos's line, "I don't live here!!!"

The last time we played was exactly a year ago. My sister was 25, I was 24, and our cousin was 21. We made a playboy kink mansion. The himbo and his wife were trying out a sex therapist and she suggested they explore said playboy mansion.

Co-signed by my sister and my cousin - they just read the post and added some ridiculousness I'd forgotten

[amnotaqueen]

Why Is He So Fixated On Weight?

So, my husband comes home from work this evening. I heard him say to our son, "You are getting fat."

Our son is 7 years old. He is 49 inches tall and weighs 60 pounds. He is NOT 'fat' in the slightest. I said to him, "What? Did you say he is fat? That's not cool to tell a kid he's fat."

He replied, "Look at his calves."

"What about them?" I asked.

"They don't have muscle."

"They don't have muscle? What does that have to do with being fat?" His statement made no sense to me.

So then he abandons that logic (if you can call it logic) and says, "He's my kid. I can say what I want. Besides, I didn't say he was fat. I said he was getting fat."

I said, "You especially should not be calling your own kid fat. Telling him he is getting fat is not much better. He's not fat or getting fat, number one. Number two, say things up building. If he were overweight, there are better ways as his parents to manage his weight besides telling him he is fat."

Then, he starts talking about how in HIS culture (Nigerian), calling people fat is nothing. We've had this conversation before and I reminded him that everything should not be about HIS culture. After all, he left Nigeria to come to America. We are in a North American culture. Why can't he be mindful of the dominant prevailing culture we are living in and respect everyone's feelings as much as possible? Well, I know the answer to that question.

He said ok to end the discussion. Of course, I have not convinced him to reconsider his position. We spoke to the elders yesterday, so for the sake of seeming to want to make things better in our marriage, he is going to pretend to do so for the time being. We will see how long it lasts.

I have major concerns about him calling our son fat to his face.

It is a put down. It is being overly critical, negative, and judgemental of a child. He can damage his self esteem.

He simply is not fat. What is he talking about?!? I'm concerned about just how thin he wants our son to be. He mentioned the junk food he was eating in conjunction with his comment about him being fat. He ate a burger and fries yesterday. I keep fast food meals to one meal a week. No soda. He has an occasional piece of candy as reward for good behavior, like mini chocolates. He eats some processed foods, but I make lots of vegan meals too and make him eat lots of veggies. I know he doesn't like processed foods. But he needs to get a grip. I'm trying to be balanced. There are different factors to consider. My husband oversimplifies and he is miffed at anyone or anything that deviates from what he envisions as "the right way."

This scares me because recently I was paying attention to the court case about a man who was on trial for killing his son. They showed video footage of the man cruelly making his son run on the treadmill for long periods of time, at a fast pace which repeatedly swept him off the treadmill and he kept forcing the boy, his son, back onto the treadmill causing him to sustain multiple injuries. They said that this man also was calling his son fat. I saw pictures of the boy. He was not fat in the slightest.

[imabillyami]

for sleepover askssss

gimme your sami/jey headcanons 💕

FMK: Rhea, Finn, Damien

FMK: Naomi, Bianca, Jade

FMK: Sami, Seth, Kevin

Ohhhh these are so much fun 😍

(I’ll have to think of some to ask you as well)

Thanks for sending them!

I’ll put my actual reply under the cut cause it got quite long.

I appreciate you 💙 Hugs and kisses 😚

Sleepover asks!

Let’s start with the FMK shall we?

Rhea, Finn, Damien:

Fuck: Rhea (tattoo worship hellooooo, I’ll gladly spend hours on that)

Marry: Finn (we’d have so much fun building Lego and talking wrestling in a completely platonic marriage)

Kill: Damien (sorry buddie, I love you and you’re gorgeous, but Finn has Lego and one of the greatest wrestling minds, and Rhea is Rhea)

Naomi, Bianca, Jade:

Fuck: Jade (I mean… duh)

Marry: Naomi (Jimothy I’m coming for your wife, sorry not sorry)

Kill: Bianca (sorry hun)

Sami, Seth, Kevin:

Fuck: Kevin 🥵 (I don’t think this needs any explanation)

Marry: Sami (that one is a no brainer seriously, I could list a billion reasons)

Kill: Seth (I’m so sorry darling, ily. I’ll kiss you instead and send you back to your family, deal?)

And for the second part (actual first part), here’s an (incomplete) selection of my personal Sami/Jey headcanons:

- They VEX each other constantly. Yes, they love each other deeply, but they’re still very different from each other. They’re also both freaking stubborn, so they butt heads a lot once the honeymoon period of their relationship is over. Just like they used to. The making up is always beyond amazing though and it makes the fighting and bickering all the more fun.

- They annoy the ever loving shit out of the people around them. Constantly. (Whether with their squabbling or their heart eyes or something else is up to your interpretation)

- Sami has proclaimed his everlasting hatred for the Louis Vuitton bags and status symbols (in one of my favorite interviews to date). I think it’s common knowledge Jey owns at least one of those bags? And a lot of bling in general. Sami teases him mercilessly about it every chance he gets.

- Jey has recently proclaimed he wants to take Sami clothes shopping. Sami resists and they squabble about it. “It’s not my fault your shoe collection alone could feed an entire country.“ is totally something Sami said. “Babe I love you, but you look like a homeless person.” is totally something Jey said. It’s all good natured though (mostly, see the “they vex each other” hc)

- They’re both family men. But their understanding of what family does and doesn’t do for each other is very different. It’s keeps causing tension and is a topic they constantly return to.

- They both have a lot of unresolved trauma to work through and move past and they’re deeply supportive of each other throughout the whole process.

- Surprisingly (or not?), once Roman and Jimmy come asking for forgiveness and a second chance, it’s Sami who encourages Jey to hear them out and consider it (Jey is still very deep in his trust issues for obvious reasons, so he constantly doubts their intentions, Sami is constantly by his side as a sounding board and to reassure him. That doesn’t mean Sami isn’t wary of their intentions, still.)

- Jey tries to go vegan for a month and it does not go well. Sami is touched by the gesture, but finally tells him to “get his damn Waffle House already”. Jey eventually forgoes pork products altogether further down the line once they move in together though. He always liked chicken better anyway.

- While the crop tops disappear from Jey’s ring gear over time, they’re still very much a thing in their daily home life and the bedroom. (As if Sami would ever give up on crop top Jey, helloooo?)

- As much as Jey loves to give Sami crap about his ���lack of style”, he secretly loves it. There’s his man, always wearing the same 5 shirts, not giving a crap what anyone thinks of his looks or belongings. The familiarity of him is beyond comforting. Being able to run his fingers through Sami’s long beautiful hair (even as is gets thinner with time) and the way his beard tickles him when they’re close are an added bonus.

- There’s no fixed top or bottom in this relationship, they switch things up constantly depending on their mood.

- Jey is the one to propose.

[ariannafraserwrites]

Read the first two chapters of Deconstructed - An Arranged Marriage Mafia Romance!

You wanna read them? I’d love your input!!

When I went hunting a monster in the Black Forest of Germany, I discovered someone far more challenging than just the lunatic with an unusual diet. There was a girl, chained in his basement. When I tried to rescue her, she nailed me in the back of the head and escaped, leaving me with one hell of a migraine and really pissed off. Letting her get away? That's on me. She's the angriest girl I've ever met. She likes to run. Well, I like to chase. Aren't we a match made in hell? Because when I catch her, I'm keeping her. Deconstructed - An Arranged Marriage Mafia Romance contains dark themes and is for 18+ readers only.

Prologue

Cora…

It’s been three weeks.

I think.

I scratch a mark on the stone wall by the horrible little toilet in the corner every day. I don’t want him to see the marks, so it seems like the right place. He is fastidious - and there’s an irony - and would rather switch to a vegan diet than get near anything related to bodily functions.

He comes to see me every day. I think it’s every day though I can’t prove it. There are no windows in here, just stone walls, a stone floor, and the mattress in the corner opposite the toilet and sink. The single light bulb above me always stays on, a thing I’ve come to see as a privilege since I spent the first few days in the pitch black until He made me promise to behave.

I hear footsteps down the hall outside my metal door, and I steel myself, He’s coming.

The evil bastard.

The fucking troll. 

Bringing fresh clothes and a little food and water, He smiles as if greeting me is the highlight of his day.

“Hallo kleines, little one,” He says fondly.

“Hello, Herr Schmidt,” I reply through my teeth, gritting them against the waterfall of obscenities that want to pour from me.

He smiles down at me fondly, just out of reach of the length of the chain attached to the floor and the manacle on my ankle. He made that mistake just once, coming within reach and the thick scabs down His left cheek and neck are still healing.

“And how did you sleep, kleines?”

“Quite well, thank you.” I almost gag as I say the words.

“Good, good!” He says warmly, “Because I have a surprise for you later. Why don’t you tidy up?” He chuckles at my expression and leaves, the steel door clicking shut behind him.

My legs are water and I fall to my knees, wrapping my arms around my midsection, pressing my forehead to the rough stone.

I will get out of here.

I will kill Him.

Chapter One

Dario…

“Soaring Eagle, are you in position?”

There was a click in my earpiece and an exhausted sigh. “Really, Dario?”

I chuckle, checking my ammo clip. “Stealth mission, brother. Refer to me as Big Daddy D.”

“I am not calling you Big Daddy D,” Yuri Morozov snarled.

“You just did,” I said gleefully. “Is your team in position?”

“Yes,” Yuri hissed, “west and south points. Also, I’m going to beat the shit out of you when this mission is finished.”

Shrugging, I said, “If it’s not to the death, it doesn’t count.”

“And you wonder why no one ever wanted to spar with you at the Ares Academy,” he said. “Perimeter alarm disabled.”

“Syncing time and coordinates…” I murmur, checking my digital readout. 

Looking up at the six men with me, I remind them, “Extraction. Do everything you can to keep the target alive. He could be an invaluable source of information. The fucker’s not the only cannibal on the dark web, he can lead us to countless more, along with crucial information on where he’s sourcing these women.”

Cracking my neck, I look at the impenetrable forest around us. It’s midnight, and the trees soar up so high, they’re blotting out any light from the moon. 

“You’re going to want to shoot this motherfucker in the gut when you see what’s inside.” Nodding to our newest team member, who is sweaty but determined, “Casey, you’ve got Carlos and Mikhal with you. Pull every scrap of data you can before we detonate the charges.”

“Why don’t we take this freak, but leave his little cannibal palace for the German Federal Intelligence Service?” Casey asks, “Schmidt needs to be exposed for the sick fuck he is.”

I chuckle mirthlessly. “Because a member of his fucked-up flesh eaters club is in the F.I.S. We just don’t know who. They’re more likely to find out about us if we leave anything behind.”

He nods rapidly. “Gotcha. Sound logic. Agreed.”

Putting my hand on his shoulder, I ask, “Can you do this?”

Casey snorts. “I’ve got your two best guys covering me. I’m wearing a badass tactical suit that makes me look like a ninja. Yeah. I got this. Really,” he insists when I raise my eyebrow, “I look fucking great in this tach suit.”

Yuri swore this guy was the best…

“On my mark,” I raise my hand, watching the digital readout. “Three… two… one…”

Clenching my raised hand into a fist, I fight back the tidal wave of adrenaline.

“Go!”

***

Left to my own devices, I would have blown the front of this motherfucker’s mansion clean off the foundations and swept through, shooting anyone who wasn’t his captive. My older brother Giovanni, the Don of the Toscano Mafia and the most boring asshole alive, insisted on the stealth approach.

“Schmidt’s notorious for booby-trapping the hell out of the forest for a 1,600-meter circumference of the house,” he’d warned me. “And once you get in, there’s a dozen failsafe options guaranteed to kill everyone he’s holding hostage. Take the time to plan this out.”

Smug bastard. 

However, he was right. We took much longer than I wanted to, mapping the area to make a safe approach - this asshole had landmines and deadfalls seeded everywhere around his estate - but we’re finally here. Three trucks drop us off at the far perimeter wall and head for the pickup point by the main gate. 

Between the Morozov Bratva and the Toscano Famiglia, we have twenty men here. Schmidt is not getting past us.

Racing quietly through the brush, I circle my hand over my head, spreading my men out around the house. This hellhole is in the middle of one of the most magnificent forests in the world, but there’s not a scrap of vegetation around it for several meters; just sterile concrete with pressure pads to alert him of anyone approaching. It is a black steel and glass monstrosity, three stories with a tower that soars nearly above the trees. Casey’s disabled the exterior surveillance cameras and we have exactly five minutes to get from the cover of the brush into the house before we’re spotted.

The dark glass surrounding the house actually gives it a closed-in, paranoid appearance, as if Schmidt is constantly watching for intruders in every direction. 

I had seen him once at an auction to purchase young women. He has pale blue eyes, so pale they look like weak, skimmed milk. 

Maybe I’ll start his questioning by plucking one of them right out of his skull, I think, grinning in a way that makes one of my own men flinch as he looks at me.

My team is going down to the lower level of the building, as Yuri’s men move upward, scaling the walls to enter through the roof. There’s a helicopter perched there, and I watch Yuri’s lieutenant wire an explosive charge to the engine.

There’s a faint click in my ear as Yuri murmurs, “There are three guards patrolling the roof and upper floor.”

“The intel shows he usually keeps ten here,” I said. “I’m sending my second team in to the garage to disable his cars. We took down two guards on the perimeter, with your three, there’s at least five unaccounted for. I’m heading into the basement now.”

“Good luck,” Yuri said grimly. I picked the lower level because we know any captives Schmidt keeps will likely be there.

“Remember,” I murmur into my team’s earpieces, “kill the guards quietly. If there are captives, we don’t want them screaming and alerting anyone. Our team’s job is to get them out safely. That is your first priority.” 

Looking over my shoulder, I see their grim determination. We may be from the Famiglia, but there are far more evil fucks in this world than us. Most of these men have wives and children of their own, it’s too easy seeing the faces of the people we love when encountering the victims of monsters like Schmidt.

The massive steel door leading to the lower level is blast-proof, fireproof, and opened by a biometric scanner. Casey steps up and pulls up a handheld device. He’s created an AI version of Schmidt, with a perfect voice, fingerprint, and cornea match. He flashes me a grin when the indicator switches from red to green.

I pat him on the cheek and nod to his backup. “Keep him safe.”

They head up the stairs while I stare down the long hallway. The bright overhead fixtures send light reflecting off white enamel walls, floor, and ceiling and it’s almost blinding. There’s a lingering scent of hospital-level antiseptic and a feel of almost grotesque sterility. Ten doors stretch down the hall, five on each side.

“How many girls do you think Schmidt’s got here?” Lorenzo, my second, looks at me, his mouth tight with disgust.

I put my hand on his shoulder and shove him out of sight as two of Schmidt’s guards come clattering down the stairs. 

“You think he would share,” one grumbles, “it’s not like he’s fucking them.”

Whatever his partner’s answer might have been is cut off as I end them both with a quick bullet. Looking up, I see the amber light blinking on the security camera. Good. Casey’s inserted a video loop, it will take fifteen minutes or so for anyone monitoring the security feed to spot the anomaly.

His next step is remotely disabling the biometric locks on each door. I take one side of the hall, and Lorenzo takes the other while our other men guard the stairs and entryway.

The first two rooms are empty, both grey stone rooms fashioned to look like a dungeon, right down to the chains bolted into the floors. The next door opens and Lorenzo’s breath leaves him in a sigh. “We’ve got one, but she must be gone. These injuries… there’s no way. I’ll check her vitals to be sure.”

Rooms four, five, and six are empty. Room seven is not.

“Ah, cazzo, fuck!” I hiss. “Edoardo, get in here! I think this one’s still alive.” He’s our medic, the horror on his face makes my heart clench as he pushes past me, kneeling by the mattress, picking up her limp hand to search for a pulse.

Rooms eight and nine hold the lifeless remains of this monster’s games, the stench of death not quite covered by the aggressive antiseptic smell from the hall. I’m at the last door in the nauseatingly white hallway and about to open the door when gunfire sprays down the stairs.

We all take cover, and I dive through door number ten. 

“Sorry brother, you’ve got eight guards charging down to the basement,” Yuri’s voice crackles in my ear.

“Yeah, thanks for letting me know,” I snarl, shooting one of the new men wielding an AR-15, and then the one behind him. “Where did these fuckers come from?”

“Through the front gate,” he said grimly. “We must have missed one of the pressure sensors during the approach.”

“Get Schmidt and go,” I said. “Pull the charge off his helicopter and fly him out. You’ve got your pilot with you, yes?”

Yuri snorted, “Don’t waste your time getting noble on me now. We came in together, we leave together. Can you take out those eight?”

“Oh, yeah,” I assure him. 

My men are barricaded in the doorways, shooting back at the newcomers as I shout into my headset, “Cover your ears!” 

Whistling, I pull a flashbang grenade from my belt and hurl it down the hallway. The resulting shockwave of noise and light shorts out my earpiece, and I’m a little disappointed I can’t hear the screams of Schmidt’s men as my team mows them down.

As the gunfire dies down, I turn to sweep the room, rifle up and I see her.

Painfully thin, her ankle horribly bruised from her shackle, and enormous green eyes. Too wide, like a spooked horse.

I clicked on my headset again. “We have a survivor!”

Pre-order now... on Amazon September 1, 2023.

[brakingpoint]

Wait i too am on my period and i'm in the mood to send controversial asks. Unfortunately the only things i can think of are f1 related so i am sending them to this blog

1. Fuck, marry, kill: max, lewis, charles. I feel like this says a lot about an f1 fan. There is not necessarily a wrong answer if your arguments are good, but there is one "obvious" answer that i strongly disagree with even though i would guess that it's the most popular one

2. This is less of a question but i would say it's controversial. I don't get the appeal of sebastian vettel at all. I absolutely respect his activism, but other than that i just think the man has an annoying personality. (Full disclosure, this is probably because i didn't watch f1 in his red bull slay era) idk i have not missed him once since he retired and i think his die hard superfans who try to bring him back at any occasion are a bit insufferable and probably should have been on that stupid poll a few weeks ago

ooh i feel like i really am going to be controversial on the fmk.

fuck - lewis. he's beautiful. i'm fully convinced he knows how to fuck and does so with panache. normally i pick him for marry because i'd be getting top tier free vegan catering for life. less sugar daddy more uh, idk, agave nectar daddy? but yknow what let's mix it up because i've got his verse in pipe stuck in my head for some ungodly reason so it's skewing my thought process

marry - i think this is my weird answer. max. most normal chill marriage possible imo. he's a cat person. i don't want kids but he's good with them anyway so it's at least cute in family gatherings with the relatives who do have kids. he values his space and time alone to be a little gamer dude but he can also be romantic and a fun party guy. he lives off red bull and tomato soup so i don't have to worry about doing any ott yes i do the cooking yes i do the cleaning housewife stunts. win/win/win.

kill - charles by default unfortunately. to be fair i would do this anyway on account of his propensity for haphazard time signature changes in his piano pieces. as a conductor i feel like i'm legally allowed to kick him in the nuts at least a little bit

anyway onto seb i CANNOT relate he is a fun little guy and i love him in both his red bull dipshit era and his bee activism era. but i do think his fans are utterly insufferable particularly the ones who think bee dad seb is the only incarnation of seb ever and have essentially flanderised him into an uwu smol bean who would have a conniption at such concepts as "unapologetic dominance" "bleaching his hair and claiming it was the sun" or "multiple seasons of sporting and psychosexual terrorism against mark webber"

[modestcatholiclife]

A Week of Progress & Small Victories

This week has been very rewarding. We're still leading up to Lent, my first time participating Lent, and it is a little daunting. Fasting from meat isn't fun but that is the point and it is doable. How I'm going to cope with this week after cheesefare is beyond me. I definitely don't think being vegan is in the cards for me at this time 😅.

On Wednesday, my fiance and I met up with our priest finally! We've been trying to find a time to talk about my baptism for months. Thankfully, he not only covered that during our talk but also our wedding plans and my fiance's interest in potentially changing rites. Because of the distance between us and general business of our lives, our priest and I will be doing catechism via email with the goal of having me ready for baptism by Pentecost! After that we'll be able to start talking marriage prep, which will take roughly 3-6 months so, hopefully, we'll be getting married before the end of this year. One of my fiance's friends has two other weddings to attend in November so we just have to pray that's not where we end up. I'd rather not put the wedding off any longer than necessary.

On Thursday, my fiance and I visited St. Volodymyr's in order to help with the changing over of the cloths. We weren't exactly the greatest help but there's a first time for everything and we can only get better from here. We got everything done in 3 hours and then sat down to chat in the parish hall with some coffee and very cold cookies from the fridge. On the walk home from the church, my fiance and I passed an appliance store that is always closed when we pass it on Sundays. This was the first time we've seen it open and the cat that lives in there (see my previous post for the photo) was very calm and friendly to the two strangers who like to stare at him through the glass. His name is Alex and he is honestly a very sturdy cat. Not fat, not skinny, very muscular actually.

On Sunday, we went to the 5pm mass at the local cathedral where we joined the choir! I'm not much of a singer but I really enjoy it and am willing to put the effort in to try and make my voice sound at least pleasant. This is a mass that a lot for young adults attend so our young adult group decided we should get more involved with it so that we can include the people that go there in community events. The mass was followed by vespers and then we all went out to dinner in honour of the priest who said the mass that night: a younger priest, in his thirties, who has been very involved in our young adult community and has begun a midweek mass at the local uni, who is moving on to another parish. It was a very lovely night, I got to catch up with people I haven't seen in several weeks, including one of the women there who is always very sweet to everyone. We had a great conversation. I got to talk a bit about my talk with our priest earlier in the week and about the wedding. She invited me to a weekly run some of the women do each Saturday. I won't be able to make it this week but I'd love to join them, even if I haven't physically ran in years and it'll probably kill me. She also offered to help me with fertility awareness, as that is the area she is qualified in which sounds like such a blessing. I'm feeling very hopeful for this year.

Today I've begun my Lenten fasts. My laptop has been put away which has helped me tremendously. I've done a load of laundry (not the single biggest achievement but it was long overdue) and completely tidied my room. Though this week without dairy will be tough, I'm looking forward to Lent as a whole.

Glory to Jesus Christ!

[biethefairy]

Movie Eaters- Hellraiser (1987) directed by Clive Barker

I watched this a day ago, And maybe I was missing something but I didn't really like this movie. I can understand it as a classic horror film and the campiness of it. And that's lovely and great, but I just didn't really care for the story or found it scary. I just found it really gore which doesn't really disgust me. I think what disgusted me during it was because I was eating when Frank came back to life and that made me want to puke because it looked like my food. Ruined my whole dinner but I finished it. But yea, Julia and Franks's relationship was dumb to me because like he came maybe a week before Julia got married. And I don't know what happens after but he got her in bed. Mind you, it looked like the wedding dress was laid out next to them (ON THE BED WITH THEM) ready to go for the morning since she was marrying Franks's brother Larry. She got that full night fun action packed 80s edition-rated sex scene. And from that, she was hooked on Frank. Mind you, that man left seconds after it was over. He didn't give a not even one damn about her. And she was willing to kill for him. Sick. Like I get the marriage with Larry was going downhill I don't remember what happened but from what I think he cheated on her maybe. Or maybe the situation-ship with Frank made her have second thoughts but it was too late (it is never too late to say no) and she went on with the wedding. But damn really Frank…and he really ain't shit 'cause he made her one of his victims after Kristy fucked up his evil plan. But honestly, he fuck around a found out because why as a human being are you playing around with something that sounds so ancient and has that kind of lore. Like I get it, I want mermaids to be true to but honestly, I don't want people to find them if they are real because I don't know what would be worse, humans capturing and studying them, eating them, wearing them, and or making them as pets. And I'm not a vegan or anything but humans are kinda of sick creatures if we think about it. So Frank being got by the cenobite is really serving because who told you to touch that in the first place. But yea that's really all I have to write, I know there's actually lore and more movies but I'm gonna keep it at that.

I give the movie 5.9/10

[ultramaga]

It's trivial to see that women don't see all men as beautiful - if anything, psych studies show nearly the opposite, with only a few men regarded as acceptable - the few at the apex. At least, the younger generation and the westerners only - everyone else is getting married and having kids. Feminism - Leftism is ultimately self-defeating because it sabotages the reproduction of members of its own culture, and encourages those who are violently opposed to come over en masse. But imagine if feminists were honest, and they genuinely believed that women were universally beautiful.

All you would have is universal meh. "Mid" exists for a reason. If everyone was actually the same level of attractiveness, there would be no excitement about the beautiful. We adore them BECAUSE they are rare, and because beauty is brief.

The reason Hollywood actresses get paid so much is NOT because they are great at acting - if they are, they can work on stage, and very few can -- no, the reason is because they are beautiful, and for a few hours and the price of a ticket, you can look at someone you will never have, and imagine yourself with them. Women do it too, but the males they fantasise about have to have a ton of other factors, like physical strength, violence, wealth, social status ... Men do not give a shit about all of that. It's very easy to cater to them. Be beautiful. If you can't, and most women can't, then look at having a great personality, being fun to be with, but because feminists are genuinely awful, they can't manage that either. Feminists, mostly, are man-hating heterosexuals who want the dirty hard boys that they despise and worship. Look at Emma Watson, travelling the Earth for cock. What does she select?

Wealth, height, strength, good looking; maybe a few signifiers that he is submissive to Leftism but otherwise can be dominant with her.

Emma burns through them at an incredible rate, never settling down, never having a family, her biological clock whirring and letting out smoke. And she's showing her age, now, maybe because she's a vegan, maybe she does a lot of coke, but she looks older than she is.

Without makeup and filters, she looks forty. Fifty is not far away. She looks ... mid. If she wasn't a child star with decades of makeup and dressing by professionals, I don't think she'd ever get a gig as an actress now. Her looks are wilting. They weren't going to last forever. She's nearly done. And that's the thing about Feminists. They all see themselves as a ten, and men as worthless scummmm - except for the few they obsessively thirst about. It's funny to see the same misandrous feminists here will post KILL ALL MEN and then OMG I WANT THIS CELEB TO DESTROY MY PUSSY AND MY ASS. They aren't self-aware. There are turnips with more consciousness.

So for the non-feminists, here's some advice.

Beauty fades. It's important, sure, but it's not going to last. But shared experiences, terrific adventures, old photographs - those are the things that make for long term marriages, and the frantic lust of youth is replaced by a mature contentment. I knew a couple who met late in life. Their partners had died, and he knew he only had so much time. So they did things, sometimes little things. He would help pay for things she couldn't afford on her pension, she would make him breakfast once per week. Just a humble bacon and eggs on toast, with a cup of tea. And it made them happy. He felt useful, she felt appreciated. And when he died, she mourned him bitterly. Because there's not enough time, not ever. Feminists burn away all the time they have, screeching with rage that men should have made it all better, but doing nothing to help others. And when they die, no-one will mourn them. They don't have deep relationships, they alienate their own families, and they despise children. Don't be like them.

Go out and find someone to share a life with.

meninist

[silverjetsystm]

𝟷. , 𝟼. , 𝟽. , 𝟿.

Please note that most of this was written on my phone while riding shotgun across The Big Empty. Typos, words that don't make sense, etc. will happen. Also for those who are not @lalamoon, this is Kit and I's universe.

This got out of hand so I put a read more.

CW/TW for drug and alcohol addiction at the very end under read more.

Headcanons Meme | Accepting!

Answering: Sexuality, Marriage, Children, Drugs.

One. Sexuality: They're all bi.

Marc: Got some real internalized biphobia. Pre-Layla, men were mostly because he was Around Lots of Men. He had crushes but there wasn't a lot of Romance. And he's as usual oblivious to people crushing on him. Lots of fucking tho.

Steven: Likes men and women. He kinda treats them both the same. Gentle, romantic, but he's also so focused on his inner world, he misses cues.

Jake: He's very good at reading people. He loves to hang out with people. Dance. Enjoy the moment, whether it's platonic or something different. Sex is enjoyable to him, though his libido adapts to whatever scale his partner is on.

Six. Marriage: WIFE WIFE WIFE WIFE WI-

Marc and Jake did sleep around a lot in the Pre-Layla days. Port in any storm. Steven did have a few days and makeout sessions. a former girlfriend sabatoged him from anything more. So Layla was Steven's first (and Marc was Layla's).

If we have to generalize...

Marc took a long time to say "I love you." He still uses it sparingly. One can see his love through his hands clenched in protection, laced with Layla's, or in building.

Steven says it a lot. Either the three words in English, Arabic, French. Or in their favorite quotes.

Jake will use one bazillion terms of endearment, clever hand, and gift giving.

Layla and the System's marriage is incredibly strong. They've had great struggles and will continue to face it together. Whether or not Marc feels like they can. It's a difficult thing, loving someone who does not see the good in himself. To Marc, Steven and Jake are the good parts of him. At several points, he feels like he should disappear and nothing would be lost.

Of course, that's not true. Layla and Marc were together first. She's stuck with him through thick and thin. They navigate white people bs, antisemitism, racism, Khonshu's manipulations, and Marc's own mistakes. Yknow, being part of the mercenary group responsible for killing Layla's father and his colleagues. Marc did try to save them. Yet, to Marc, it's like he pulled the trigger himself.

Steven's memory is incredibly dicey. When his narrative is thrown off by waves of grief and trauma, his recent memories are tossed out. It's not a deliberate thing. He is distraught every time that he can forget the best parts of his life (such as Layla when Marc's father passed). Like, of course his mother is alive, of course his father is alive. They're both very busy people.

Layla appreciates the interests Steven is interested in and vis versa. They have in-depth, romantic conversations about their favorite poets, artists, and yknow. Archeology. He loves spending time with her. Getting fancy and going out on the town. Staying in and enjoying each other's company. While people making comments about him aren't on his radar (being a vegan, for example), Layla definitely picks up on that and reads em for filth.

Our favorite legend Jake doesn't need being called in (Marc) or particulars (Steven). He's everyone's best guy. Friendly, charming, flexible. He's the one Layla can lean on, speak her mind to.

The System and Layla open the Midnight Mission together. It's the biggest sign of their love and lifetime project. They support their community by fist and by mutual aid.

Uh. Anyway.

Seven. Children:

The System and Layla have 2 older kids that are not of their blood.

Unlike 616, the System and Layla remain together, married, and raise their Beam. Like everything else, they struggle with conceiving. (Thanks Khonshu). Layla had an extremely difficult pregnancy. Marc was focused, trying to keep her and the baby alive. So!

Marc fucking struggles with baby Beam. He goes dormant. Steven and Jake take to fatherhood well. Steven is an educator and is very focused on Beam's milestones and health. Jake is used to helping out with cousins and Gena's boys.

Once Marc gets his head out of his head, he does enjoy fatherhood. Beyond grateful he has a wife and daughter. He loves spending time with Beam. Usually he's quiet.

As in the rest of their lives, Layla and the system are a team!

Nine. Drugs.

Steven and Jake do not have Substance Use Disorder. Both (and Marc) enjoy cigarettes, cannabis, and alcohol in social situations. Cannabis does help with some of their physical and mental health.

Marc does have SUD from using alcohol, Vicodin, and oxycodone to self-medicate chronic pain and trauma (losing Layla to The Snap is the straw that broke the camel's back). Khonshu does heal the body and handle the physical effects. But it does take Marc a long time to actually get treatment from not the bird god.

[moonlightsapphic]

I’ve always been a tiny bit allergic to weddings.

I grew up with social anxiety, and desi weddings involve days of (often quite sexist) loud, flashy, stuffy and crowded ceremonies, usually with unbelievably long guest lists of extended family, friends and colleagues. I had to be dragged to them as a child.

So whenever someone told me, “I’d love a big wedding,” I’d get skeptical. Surely no one wants to be put through an experience that horrendous?

I was nineteen and with my boyfriend of three years at the time when an older friend said to me. “You know, I used to think I hated big weddings too. But turned out, deep down I was just hesitant to think of marrying the guy I was with. Our relationship was extremely toxic. But I wasn’t ready to admit that yet. Living in quiet denial and telling myself I just wanted a court marriage was easier.”

That was just one of the many, many little signs, events and ordeals that lead to my painful, drawn-out breakup with my high school boyfriend that I’d thought I’d marry someday.

I have zero regrets. I’m glad I escaped his emotionally abusive clutches.

Right now, I’m seven months into a relationship with my best friend of three years. I was twenty and she was twenty-one when we began dating. We were no longer teenagers. We each knew what we wanted in a partner, and we found it in each other. Things just make sense with her in a way some part of me thought it would be near-impossible to find in another human being. We are undoubtedly soulmates, weirdly similar, and have always been crazy fans of each other’s successes. We make each other laugh until we can’t breathe, we make each other feel safe and wanted in terms of physical intimacy, we follow up on each other’s lives constantly around a whopping twelve-hour time difference. (Cue the long-distance lesbian relationship memes. I live abroad for university.)

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said she teaches me, with every passing day, what it is to work together to gently nurture a healthy relationship, and watch it gradually grow.

(PSA: That amazing girlfriend whom you’re too scared to be gay for? Girl, ask her out. In most cases, you’ll have more to gain than to lose.)

My girlfriend and I come from different religious backgrounds (a big no-no in our country, usually). She’s Hindu and I’m Muslim, but it’s amazing how little that matters to us. The way we personally practice our faiths, the lifestyles that we would like to have in the future are strikingly similar: vegan, as environment-friendly as possible, a couple furry friends (she’s a dog-person and I’m a cat person), a child (hopefully a daughter!) maybe when we’re equipped to have one, a cozy little home of our own in a quiet city abroad, traveling to new places in vacations, working for social welfare in the sidelines of our STEM jobs …

What I want to say here is this: If we were a heterosexual couple, we’d be mapping out our futures already, and telling our families (and friends) about each other.

But we’re not. We’re a gay couple in a country where queer people can be killed for coming out. Only two of our mutual friends know about us. We’re afraid that any more and the word may spread through town.

Neither of our families will ever understand.

We will be labeled crazy, perverted, in need of help, gone rogue from western influence, irresponsible, selfish traitors that are blind to our families’ hurt.

I still do not dream of a big wedding.

This time, I simply do not have the luxury to be able to picture it, in even my wildest dreams.

But the thought of, maybe someday, saying “I do,” to the love of my life in the quiet office of a court Justice; the thought of, maybe someday, looking into her chestnut eyes and knowing we’re going to be outcasts together, to have and to hold from that day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish—It keeps me going. It keeps my fighting through every bad day to next good one when I’ll get to tell her again I love her, and know that—even though I’m young, even though there’s such a long, uncertain road ahead of me—I have never meant it more for anyone else.

[rviner]

"Take what down? This is me, bitch. Take it or leave it." Bunny declares proudly, a little shimmy of her shoulders to send iddy tiddies shaking as she laughs. "You know I'm right, anyways. That's why you're being all..." her hand waves in a gesture to Chloe's coy demeanor. "Whatever the fuck that is. We're not virgins." even if she speaks while chuckling, Bunny means her words sincerely. Just as sincerely as she responds to her cousin on dating sites, nose wrinkling in hororr. "Ew no, they're like mega creeps on there, what the fuck? And you look desp on dating sites. Es-PESH if you fill out all the little bio deets like a loser. I bet you did that." she snatches Chloe's clutch at lightening speed, determined to get hold of the witch's phone. "Just meet and hook up with someone at an event or something like a normal person."

Bunny offers a careless shrug when Chloe rattles off about Bella and Felix's future marriage, and how essentially it will bring the Ranstrom into family ties. "Eh. Makes it kinda hotter." she admits without care, now laughing purely for effect as she moans loudly. "Oh, no Felix, we musn't! You're my step-cousin!" Bunny then cackles, despite knowing the witch turned wolf has pretty much zero interest in anything except a self righteous vegan. "Yeah four years is a long time but," she shrugs wildly. "You're not dead and he's not the last big dick to roam Earth."

Bunny scoffs, eyes rolling as Chloe tries to breeze around any mention of Noah. "Okay fine, if you don't want him, I'll see if I can hook up with him." she challenges, although she's pretty certain she's flirted with the St. James wolf before and there was not much return. Bunny glances to Chloe's concern, eyes flicking over her cousin's features as her hand twirls the end of her pony tail. "What? No. I was making out with him and he tried to grab a feel. That's not assault, that's just a weirdo that thinks a tongue down his throat means you wanna fuck him. Don't victimize me." she says spitefully now, anger rising through her just because of Reid being back int he city.

Bunny accepts the cigarette, huffing as she glances over her shoulder to the balcony doors and the fact she can still see his and Jet's dumb stupid fucking tall frames above the rest of the crowd. "No, he won't leave early. He'll literally stay here with sad little goth girls all over his dick because he needs attention." she says and then, to add insult to injury, one of her tracks is cut off right before the drop. A Lil Ri whiney pop punky intro sounding out. "Oh for- I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF!"

'urgh! bunny!' chloe exclaims out, a shriek mixing with her laugh. 'you have to...take it down a notch! my brain needs bleaching!' the belcourt almost cackles as she scolds her cousin, even if she should be used to bunny's intense and exaggerated way with words. but a small, sadder chuckle lingers. yes, dating is hard. especially when thoughts of an ex spring up on you when you least expect it. or your phone decides to notify you about a new post from them, almost always with some hint of their new romance involved. 'it's a different sort of insufferable here, that's for sure. not so much cali guys but...wall street.' she grimaces. 'but i'm out there. i'm on the sites, okay? so...leave it alone.' chloe waves her hand, putting the topic away, or so she hopes.

her gaze gives bunny a playful look of warning about felix, her head tilting to the side. 'when bella and him get married, that's like...cousin in law? i don't know how it works.' she waves a hand. 'but that means you'll be related by marriage too. so. careful.' she says this purely with hopes of bunny letting her fascination with the ranstrom die. because if bunny loves felix so much, it's obvious what she'll think about jakob. and there it is, hearing how great her ex is and chloe nods her head slowly. 'i wasn't pining. but four years is a long time, okay? cut me some slack.' she elbows bunny swiftly.

chloe hates how everything said about noah is going to resurface when she finally speaks to him tonight. she tries to scoff it away, waving off bunny's statements but some of them have embedded. 'that's hazel's brother. it's complicated. stop it.' the witch murmurs, taking in a deep breath as she moves with bunny through the crowd. chloe has to take a moment, glitching almost at the following admission. 'wait...did he...bunny, i think that's...assault?' she grits her teeth, concern on her expression, because her cousin doesn't seem at all...traumatized? if anything, the only spark of anger that arrives is from the sight of jet and reid. chloe can't move bunny away fast enough, herding her fiery cousin to a nearby balcony and rushing to fetch cigarettes. 'okay, no. that's...he...he's from here, bun.' chloe reminds her, shoving a smoke to the witch's lips and lighting it with a flick of a finger. 'he'll probably just leave early, especially if jet's with him. so let's just...chill here for a little while.'

[allthingsfangirl101]

Rehearsal Dinner Disaster–Zac Efron

I was too busy fixing the flower arrangements to notice Zac walk up behind me. I gasped as he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his chin on my shoulder.

"They look beautiful, babe," he whispered.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Do the colors clash? Are they too out of season? They match the bouquets perfectly but. . . "

Zac laughed as he unwrapped his arms from around me, spun me around, and pressed his lips to mine. I sighed before starting to kiss him back.

I broke the kiss and leaned back, wrapping my arms around his neck. I bit my lip and glanced over my shoulder at the flowers.

"Are you sure they look okay?"

"Babe," he chuckled. "The only thing more beautiful than the flower arrangements is you."

I blushed as I giggled and shook my head. I wrapped my arms tighter around him, pulling him closer to me.

"Just a few more days and I get to call you my wife," he smirked.

"Just a few more days and I get to call you my. . ."

"Y/N!"

Zac and I both jumped as my sister came running into the room. "Your caterer is on the phone. It sounds like there is a problem with getting the food here for the rehearsal dinner or maybe it was the reception. I can't remember what he said. You have to handle it. I don't know what you want and his French accent is really hard to understand."

"It's okay," I soothed her. "Just give me the phone."

I sent Zac a look as my sister walked out of the room, mumbling about never getting married. He laughed as he walked over and kissed my cheek.

"The joys of wedding planning," he whispered.

Things only got crazier from there. My mother was frantically running around before the rehearsal dinner and didn't stop the entire night. I couldn't enjoy the dinner because my mom was worried about the plans for the ceremony, my dad was focused on trying to threaten Zac, my sisters were complaining about the bridesmaid dresses, and the groomsmen were rating my friends.

I had just calmed my mother down after she found out that the caterer called to cancel the steak and replace it with salmon. I walked around the corner, trying to hide from everyone.

"There you are."

I looked up to see Zac walking towards me. His smile fell when he saw the look on my face. He jogged over, gently grabbing my arms.

"What's wrong?" He asked, lowering his voice.

"I can't. . . There's so much to. . . And everyone. . . This is supposed to be our weekend and everyone wants something and I just. . ."

When my voice broke, Zac pulled me into his chest. He rubbed my back and kissed my temple.

"Have you had anything to eat?" He whispered.

"I haven't had the chance," I stuttered. "Whenever I go to the food, something comes up and I need to fix it."

"Let's get you something to eat," he smiled down at me. "I'll cover you."

Zac and I finally got peace as we ate. Whenever someone tried to come and ask me a question or talk about tomorrow, Zac politely turned them away.

"Are weddings always this crazy?" I sighed after Zac turned away my frantic mother for the tenth time since we sat down.

"Wouldn't know," he shrugged. "This is my first wedding."

I sent him a playful glare making him laugh. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"It's okay," he sighed. "I know things are crazy and I wish I could tell you that they'll calm down but they won't. What I can tell you is that I will be right here with you. If you ever need a break or need to find somewhere to hide so you can catch your breath, I'll help you escape."

I leaned over and pressed my lips to his. I felt him smirk as he started to kiss me back.

"Y/N. Oh! Sorry."

We pulled apart when we saw my sister blushing. "I just came to tell you that mom was looking for you. Something about matching her new shoes to her dress for tomorrow."

"Okay," I laughed. "I'll go find her. Thanks."

She nodded before turning on her heel and walking away. I sighed as I looked back at Zac.

"It never ends."

                         * * * * *

By the time the rehearsal dinner was over, I was exhausted. I walked into my hotel room, instantly kicking off my heels. I collapsed onto the couch, my eyes watering.

"You okay?"

I looked up to see Zac walking into my room. He sat next to me, pulling me into his chest.

"I'm so tired, baby," I whispered, my voice getting caught in my throat.

"I know," he whispered. He held me close to his chest, slightly rubbing my arm. "We just have to get through tomorrow then it's you and me the rest of our lives."

"Just tomorrow?" I sighed, sitting up and pulling out of his embrace. "Zac, ever since we got engaged, it's been one thing after another. We haven't even been able to enjoy being engaged. At our engagement party, my mother wanted to plan everything. I mean, have we even been alone since the night we got engaged?"

"Well, I guess not," he stuttered as I stood up.

"See?" I said. I started to pace back and forth as I rambled. "I feel like we can't enjoy being engaged and planning our wedding because every time we turn around, something is wrong. My parents want input, my sisters want to choose their dresses, your parents aren't getting enough input and. . ."

Zac jumped up and caught me when my legs gave out. He led me to the couch and sat next to me.

"Y/N," Zac said gently. "Babe, just breathe."

"This is too much," I whispered. "Everyone is driving me crazy. My sisters hate the dresses, my cousin is bothering me about her vegan meal, our groomsmen and bridesmaids seem to either be trying to kill each other or sleep together."

Zac shushed me as he ran his fingers through my hair, playing with it. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his chest.

"I can't do this," I said under my breath.

"You can't marry me?" He asked softly.

"No," I said quickly as I pulled out of his embrace. "That's not what I can't do, baby. I can't get married with all of this crap going on, all this drama. It's too much."

"Hey," he whispered, gently cutting me off. "I love you, Y/N. And I'm sorry that our wedding is crazy, but that's not what matters. What matters is that this time tomorrow, we will be husband and wife. What matters is that we love each other and are going to spend the rest of our lives together."

"I love you," I whispered. He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. When he pulled away, he leaned us both back into the couch.

I sighed as I leaned my head on his shoulder. Zac chuckled as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. We sat in silence, enjoying this moment of peace before the chaos to come tomorrow.

"Why don't we just get married tonight?" Zac said suddenly.

"What?" I asked as I sat up and looked at him.

"Let's do it," he smirked. "The courthouse isn't that far away and we already have our marriage license."

"You're serious," I mumbled under my breath.

"I am," Zac said eagerly. "Let's go. Right now. That way we can have our perfect private wedding tonight and then whatever happens tomorrow happens, but we won't care because we already had our private wedding the night before."

I started nervously chewing my bottom lip as I waited to see if he was kidding. He wasn't.

"I'm in," I said with a nervous giggle.

                         * * * * *

I smoothed out my wedding dress before walking out of the bathroom. I walked over to the front door where Zac was waiting for me. I cleared my throat, making him turn around. His eyes instantly filled with tears as he smiled widely. He chuckled as he covered his mouth.

"Wow," he said under his breath, his voice breaking. "You look. . ."

I nervously tucked a piece of hair behind my ear as Zac walked over to me. He took my hands in his, still looking at me in my dress.

"You look so beautiful," he whispered. He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to mine. He broke the kiss, his face still inches from mine.

"Let's go get married, baby."

We snuck out of the hotel without anyone from the wedding party seeing us. The whole way to the courthouse, Zac held my hand. Every once in a while, he'd bring our intertwined hands up to his lips and kiss my knuckles.

As we pulled up to the courthouse, parked the car, and headed inside, I wasn't nervous at all. I didn't have an ounce of doubt in my mind as we waited our turn.

"Efron wedding?"

Zac and I looked at each other, our smiles widening when he reached over and grabbed my hand. He stood up, pulling me with him. He didn't look away as he pulled out a small bouquet of flowers.

"Where did you get those?" I giggled.

"Gift shop," he shrugged. "I went in while you were in the bathroom."

"Zac," I said, happy tears coming to my eyes.

"Every bride deserves a bouquet on her wedding day."

I grabbed the flowers, my hand on top of his. I stood on my toes and pressed my lips to his. I instantly broke the kiss, lowering off my toes.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," he smiled. "Now, let's go get married."

                         * * * * *

After Zac and I got married at the courthouse, we headed back to the hotel. Without a word, Zac escorted me back to my hotel room. When we got there, I hesitated outside the door. I turned towards him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I don't want to go in there," I whispered.

"Y/N," he chuckled.

"At least not alone."

My innocent smile turned into a knowing smirk. Zac chuckled as he pulled me closer into his chest. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. I smiled as our lips started moving in sync. We managed to get my hotel room open without breaking the kiss.

We laughed as we walked into the room, Zac kicking the door shut behind us. He finally broke the kiss, his smirk slowly fading.

"I love you so much," he whispered. "And I am so excited to start our life together."

"I love you too, baby."

                         * * * * *

"Oh my!"

Zac and I jolted awake when we heard my mother gasp. I quickly grabbed the hotel blanket and made sure my mom didn't see me naked in bed with my husband.

"Good morning, Mrs. Y/L/N," Zac said with a goofy smile on his face.

"What are you doing in here, mom?" I asked, slightly clearing my throat.

"We were supposed to have breakfast before we started getting you ready," she said slowly.

"Right," I laughed awkwardly. "Give me ten minutes and I'll meet you in the lobby."

Mom glanced over at Zac and clearing her throat. She nodded quickly before turning on her heel and leaving. I let out a sigh of relief as I heard the door open and close.

"Well," I said as I cleared my throat. "That was embarrassing."

"Ehh," Zac shrugged as he snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me back into his chest. I let out a little giggle as he kissed my neck, nibbling on my skin.

He bit my neck before whispering in my ear, "Your mom seeing us in bed together will most likely be a footnote to the chaos that is yet to ensue."

[writer-panda]

The Hit on the Groom and What Became of It - Chapter 3/Leaps in logic (and over the edge of the rooftop)

Chapter 1  -|-  Previous -|- Next

---------

Adrien’s day wasn’t good at first. Okay, it was straight-up terrible. For most, their wedding is supposed to be a happy day. Or at least a reason for celebrations. Adrien? He couldn’t even hope for a cake since it would ruin his model body.

For the last several months, his father was working him into an early grave. The extra photo sessions, harder classes, new exercise regime… and Lila. The last one was terrifying. 

Adrien tried to hold onto hope that his father would in the end cancel the whole affair. That he would drop the ridiculous notion of wedding or at least push it back. The young model wasn’t sure exactly why was his father so insistent on pushing for the wedding. He repeatedly asked himself if Lila was blackmailing his father, but it was hard to think of anything that his father possibly could be blackmailed with. Adrien spent countless hours wondering if his father had some dark secret, but it didn’t fit the man. 

Did the designer have an affair with Nathalie? No… he already got angry about the suggestion once. And even if so, it wasn’t something that he would be so ashamed about. 

Was his father doing some illegal business dealings? It was somewhat possible, but what? It would need to be something big. Something extremely big. 

Thinking rationally, he had no idea what could it be…

What could be so big that it was worth more than the happiness of his only son?

--------

When one looks at all that, being kidnapped right at the altar was almost… nice. Sure, Adrien had been dragged by a sentient pile of mud into the sewers and then carried to some unknown location. Sure, his beautiful suit was ruined and all the hard work Marinette put into her work was irreversibly wasted. 

But, he was not married to Lila. 

The pile of mud dragged him deep into the sewers until they found a ladder leading up. It appeared to be grievously damaged, with several steps in the row removed. Adrien didn’t protest much when he was lifted up and into the place above. 

The place turned out to be a quite comfy flat. It was overall smaller than Adrien’s room back in Paris, but it felt more welcoming. It only had one big room, divided in half with a plywood panel. In the first ‘room’, there was a couch, a small table with three chairs, a tv on a cabinet, and two armchairs. It all appeared to be old and worn out. The second part held two beds (one without any mattress), a desk with an old computer, and a kitchen annex. It was… nice. Adrien almost liked it better than the big, sterile manor. 

The pile of mud seated him on one of the chairs before condensing into humanoid form. Slowly, his body turned human and in the end, he looked almost exactly like the wedding officiator. The man pulled his phone and sent some text before turning to Adrien. 

“Do you want something to eat?” He asked, walking over to the kitchen annex.

“Um… anything would do.” Adrien hesitantly spoke up. He was only slightly scared. Honestly, first, he is saved from the wedding and now he is given free food? Yes, purr-lease!

“Vegan or non-vegan?”

“I would kill for a fat, juicy steak…” Adrien remembered his last photo session, which was advertising the summer collection. One of the photos had him standing over the BBQ grill. The smell of the food being prepared almost made him salivate back then. 

“Ah… The actor’s diet?” His kidnapper/savior asked, giving him a knowing look at the same time.

“Yeah… I’m a model, but I heard it’s the same” Adrien corrected. 

“I’ll get you something. We need to wait anyway.” 

Adrien chose not to speak to the man while he was cooking. It was still a bit awkward. He was being kidnapped.

It didn’t matter. The meal was too good to complain. Who cares about kidnapping when one is given some meat. It was a light meal, probably not to upset his stomach, but it was still more than he hoped for that day. 

Of course, it couldn’t be that pretty.

The moment Adrien finished with the first piece of meat and was reaching for another, the doors were violently kicked and a man entered. He was dressed in a red bodysuit with silverly metallic elements. His helmet had one eye replaced with a red… monocle?

The explosion was quickly followed by a single gunshot. The moment it sounded, Clayface (because that was the name of the ‘pile of mud’) became frozen in place. Literally. He was covered head to toes in ice.

“My steak!” Adrien cried as he was being dragged away by the newcomer. 

They were already away when Clayface managed to break through the ice. He wanted to pursue them, but his phone rang suddenly, giving him a pause.

“Who is this?!” He snarled, irritated at the interruption.

“I was led to believe you have what I wanted.” The voice on the other side growled and Clayface paused. It sent shivers down his figurative spine. His employer sounded dangerous. 

“Ah… Yes… There’s been a… complication.” He stuttered, hoping it wasn’t too apparent. Whoever was on the other side made a terrifying first impression.

“What do you mean ‘complication’?” They hissed. Clayface stumbled and almost dropped the phone. He knew the employer was someone powerful, but it was a whole new level of scary. Sure, he was technically a mercenary, but until today his biggest job was some light security gig. This was supposed to be his way of reinventing himself into part of the major league. But this was being much more overwhelming. 

He quickly got to the point where his employer should’ve been somewhat satisfied and hanged up quickly. He had to get the boy before he became the target himself.

----------

Elsewhere, Adrien was starring into a pair of curious sea-green eyes.

When his new kidnapper brought him to the apartment and tied him to the chair, Adrien was still bemoaning the loss of his steak. He disliked the lack of freedom, but he was still feeling safer than with Lila and his father. Objectively looking at it, he knew it was wrong, but he preferred to be kidnapped. 

To his surprise, the kidnapped tossed him and the chair into some spare room of the flat they were in when the doorbell rang. There were also some curse words, but Adrien chose to disregard them.

It took a very energetic girl (about two years younger than him) all five minutes to figure out he was in that room. Not that the man made it particularly hard, leaving the doors half-open and all that.

She leveled her head so that they were on an equal level and stared into his face with an inquisitive glare.

“Daddy! You promised not to work on our day together!” She turned to the man and complained. “You clearly kidnapped him!”

“I’m really sorry, cupcake. I didn’t plan it. The time zone changes can really mess up with the calendar.”

“If it helps, this is better than the alternative.” Adrien smiled shyly.

“How is being tied to the chair good?”

“It’s better than being forced to get married.” The boy deadpanned.

“Fine.” She then turned to her father “But you will untie him. He can join us in our board game evening.” She declared imperatively.

“You won’t try anything, right?” The man glared at Adrien, who shrugged (as much as the binds allowed him). 

“I quite like it here. I could do with some water, but it’s really better than how the day was supposed to go.”

The man sighed and walked over to the boy. The rope fell to the floor and Adrien could move freely. Yet, he didn’t immediately move. He did try to get up, but the world swirled and blackness consumed his consciousness.

----------

When he woke up, he was once again faced with a set of sea-green eyes. The girl apparently liked to stare at faces in close quarters. Not that Adrien complained much as long as she didn’t actually touch him. He was used to the attention. 

“You must’ve been really tired. Daddy said he almost wanted to get you to a hospital.” That woke Adrien very quickly.

“No hospital!” He launched himself to sit straight up and almost crashed with the girl. Luckily, she moved out of the way. Otherwise, her father might’ve actually sent him to the hospital. Probably in pieces too. 

“Don’t worry.” Speaking of the devil, the man entered the room with a platter full of fast food and a glass of water. There was a hamburger there!

“Zoe. Please leave us alone for a moment. I need to discuss some things with Mr. Agreste.”

“Sure. But remember you promised not to hurt him. And we promised him board games.” She reminded her father before happily skipping out of the room. 

Once she was out, the man handed him the platter and Adrien practically leaped to devour the food. 

“So…” His kidnapper/temporary caretaker started awkwardly. “If it’s any help, I’m sorry for kidnapping you.” 

“Dot wowwy” Adrien dismissed him with a mouth full of burger. His father would lock him up for months if he saw him, but the boy was way past caring about it. He gulped before continuing though, as it was a shame to waste anything of the tasty goodies. “Seriously, you guys are making me a favor.” 

“Huh?” The man raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah! If not for this,” he gestured vaguely around the room, albeit it was clear he meant kidnapping, “I would’ve probably been married already.”

“Ah… And I guess the wedding wasn’t your idea.” It wasn’t a question. Deadshot (because he was the kidnapper if it wasn’t yet obvious) had some experience with runaway brides. Grooms escaping arranged marriage were rarer, but not unheard of. He used to take those tasks without remorse. At least until one time, when he tracked the bride, instead of an adult woman like usual, he found a pre-teenage girl. She couldn’t have been older than his own daughter at the time. 

Let’s just say that he failed to deliver that contract. Or any similar in the future. 

“Sir?” Adrien asked once he finished the meal.

“Yeah?”

“Could I get some more?”

“In a moment. Let what you ate settle down first.” He scolded him lightly, his parental instincts kicking in. “So, do you have any idea who might’ve wanted you kidnapped?”

“Not really… Only Marinette and Gerard cared about my opinion on this matter. And neither is the kind that would arrange a kidnapping.” He did his best not to think about his past as Chat Noir. No one but Ladybug knew, but his Lady wasn’t someone that would get involved with criminals. And even then, he doubted she could afford mercenaries. He always thought they were expensive. Could someone else figure out he used to be Chat Noir?

“Hm…” Lawton focused for a moment. “And what about The Seamstress? She is a completely new player that came out of nowhere. I suspected she might’ve had a personal connection to you. What about your father? Could someone want to get back at him? Especially someone with that name?”

“You do know what my dad does for the living?” Adrien deadpanned. 

“Yes, but did he anger someone? Enough that they would want to ruin him?” The man pressed. 

“It would be easier to list people he didn’t anger. My father is not… not the easiest to be around.” The light that was in the boy’s eyes just moments ago dimmed slightly. “Why are you asking all this?” He suddenly perked up and met the gaze of the mercenary. 

“Honestly, I really dislike the jobs involving kids. I thought that you were just another bratty teenage star that got his way with the wedding. A kid wanting to be treated like an adult. Now… now I can’t with clear conscience return you or deliver you.”

Adrien held back any witty remarks about hired gun having a conscience. “So… I’m living with you?”

“Sadly, no. I’m not around often enough and there is still a price on your head.” Lawton pulled out his phone and carefully read through something. “The more I think of it, the more it looks like you are not the most important part.”

That got Adrien’s attention. His own brain started to work overtime to get the meaning. “What?”

“The wording of the contract. ‘Grab from the wedding’, ‘possibility of further assignments’, ‘very public’… and the price is unreasonably high for such a simple task. It appears as if whoever The Seamstress is wanted a show. Like she wanted to recruit whoever brought you in. It appears as if she was setting up some sort of competition over who brings you to her.”

“But why me?” Adrien ran through ideas, but only him being Chat Noir would make sense in the long run. 

“Publicity. Your old man made sure the wedding was the event of the decade.” The merc simply shrugged. “If they wanted to announce their entrance to the big league, they would pick the biggest, most prominent target.” 

“Figured father is to blame…” Adrien grumbled before reaching into his pocket. “I… would like to call a friend of mine. To reassure her I’m safe.”

“She won’t run to the police?” Lawton was hesitant to allow it but also didn’t have the heart to tell him no. The kid was emotional wreck. And if his appetite was anything to go by, it was possible physical abuse was also there.

“Marinette wouldn’t do anything dangerous. She… I think she was trying to stop the wedding. Or delay it.”

“The girl that stood up shortly before the panic?”

“Yeah… She used… She’s a friend of mine. Probably the last true friend I have left.” 

“I see… Okay, call her. But make sure not to mention anything about me. Just in case.”

There was a moment of tense silence while Adrien waited for his friend to pick up. Finally, after the fifth signal, there was a rustle on the other side.

“Marinette Dupain-Cheng speaking. Who do I have the pleasure with?” She spoke almost mechanically. To someone who never met her before, it might’ve sounded sincere. To Adrien, it sounded like she was exhausted both physically and emotionally. He almost blamed himself, but at the last second shifted it all onto Lila and his Father. 

“Marinette!? Are you okay?” He asked, wanting to make sure there was nothing truly wrong.

“Adrien!? Adrien!” She immediately seemed to cheer up. “Where are you!? Are you okay? What happened? Did they hurt you? Are you safe?” She finally paused to take a breath. 

“I’m okay, Marinette. I might’ve sorta gotten myself kidnapped,” he realized how bad that sounded as the words left his mouth, “but it’s all okay! It’s better than it was!” He rushed to reassure her, albeit his method was not a hundred percent successful. 

“Are you safe?” Was the question she repeated. It sounded almost… guilty. To Adrien’s tired brain though, such subtle details were second to the question. 

“I’m probably good. Someone put a bounty on me, but it’s all about me being alive. It’s like whoever did it accidentally saved me from the wedding.” He chuckled a bit darkly, thinking about how much of a temper tantrum Lila must’ve been throwing since his disappearance.

“Call me back later, okay?” There was a sudden urgency that Adrien did pick on. “I have something that needs to be sorted out.”

“What’s happening?”

“Just my Maman is coming. She is knocking right now.” With that, she hanged up. Adrien relaxed. There was no danger. And even if there was, it probably just ran away to hide as Sabine Cheng came to town.

“Kid, you done?” Deadshot walked back into the room with another hamburger.

“Yeah. I feel much better now. Thanks for the opportunity.”

“Don’t sweat it. Listen… I can’t just keep you, but I called some friends of mine. They’re willing to help you. Well, she is. Her girlfriend is just going with it for her sake.”

Lawton carefully studied Adrien to see his reaction to mentioning the couple, but there was no visible reaction. He just watched the hamburger with a hungry gaze. 

-------

Elsewhere, an exhausted kwami flew out of the jewel. Hawkmoth was one step from tossing the jewel at the wall. 

“I don’t understand! He should be terrified by now! He was kidnapped! They wouldn’t kill him after going so long to kidnap him!”

“Maybe your powers aren’t as good as you’ve thought?” another voice spoke from the shadows. Lex Luthor walked into the center to join Gabriel Agreste.

“They didn’t have time to move him out of the city before I started the search. Not without magic and he said there was no magical travel to or from Gotham so far.” Gabriel paced around the room. 

“While you were playing with your precious jewels, I actually used some of my contacts. It appears that someone ordered a hit on your son. They wanted him kidnapped from the wedding.”

“What?!” Gabriel paused and glared at the other man.

“While I can’t stop it or even try to outbid them, I do know of one person I can convince to take this task. And she just happened to be coming to Gotham this very moment.”

“Fine. I want my son back, or our deal is off, Luthor.” 

“Don’t worry. He will see the Light soon.”

[campyvillain]

It's thabksgiving and this turkey is asking me abuot my marriage Help

the vegans were wrong we have to kill them all now.