#8 year old me cried about zayn leaving the band

[letmeliveinelfhame]

This might sound very stupid and pathetic but I'm literally having to take a break from tiktok for a while because if I don't, the little girl in me is going to start crying about liam payne because one direction, my literal childhood, won't get off my fyp

[tfiolarry]

one: conincing

summary: after announcing the band’s hiatus, harry and louis announce their love, their soon-to-be marriage, and their two kids (who won’t be in a baby carriage).

[masterlist] [two]

ask us anything!

a/n: gif not ours creds to owner 

One Direction Taking Extensive Hiatus Starting Next Month!

Yes, you read the title right: One Direction is going in many directions. We know - try to remain calm, Directioners. 

As one of the biggest boy bands to take over the 2010s, selling out tours in arenas and stadiums around the world, the foursome has decided that they will be taking a break for at least a year, starting next month and following the departure of Zayn Malik. Sources tell us that they will be using this time to “pursue solo projects”, rather than promoting their fifth album, due to release later this year. 

•• 

Rumor Has It Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles Are Together!

FINALLY! Larry shippers, this one’s for you - the ship is sailing! 

Former One Direction members, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, are getting cuffing season started right with some cozy by the fireplace pics in Harry's lovely London home. 

Harry Styles posted a picture late Friday night of his feet along with another pair of feet by the fireplace. Hold the foot fetishes, guys - LARRY’S REAL. It's so obviously Louis, especially because of his famous “The Rouge” tattoos on his ankles. 

We all knew Wellington wasn’t just a figment of our imagination.

•• 

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson Are Getting Hitched!

That’s right folks, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson both liked it and appear to have put some rings on it. Finally!

Earlier tonight, Harry Styles posted an Instagram picture holding a ring with no caption, with his boyfriend-now-turned-fiancé Louis Tomlinson in the background. Not even ten minutes later, Louis posted a picture of Harry as well. The caption? “Can’t wait to say I do.” Too cute!

According to fan theory, this romance dates all the way back to their days on The X-Factor, coining the name “Larry Stylinson” to refer to this adorable pairing.(Article: “The Timeline Of Larry Stylinson, As Told By A One Direction Superfan!”) Sources have confirmed that after much time together, the two are definitely ready to “take their relationship to the next step.” 

Oh, how far they’ve come.

••

Louis Tomlinson to Paps -  “We’re in love and adopting two little girls.”

What? What? Whaaaat?

A lot to unpack here. 

While out on town today, Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles got tangled up with some nosy paparazzi. Yikes! The Hollywood Fix caught the two getting in their car asking about the engagement, when Louis frustratedly tells them that they are, in fact, very much so in love and going to be adopting children. 

• •

WEDNESDAY

4:32 PM

STYLINSON HOME - LONDON

Harry and Louis arrive at home, carrying smaller backpacks of the girls’ clothes and toys while holding their hands. They step into the foyer and Louis and Harry let go of their hands. Dani and Jordyn looking around and up at their surroundings, almost as if nonverbally asking if it’s okay to go ahead without them. 

LOUIS: You guys can go, it’s okay…

Dani and Jordyn look at each other and then run off, ending up somewhere in the living room. Louis looks at Harry, not saying anything but smiling a little.

HARRY: (looks at Louis) What? 

LOUIS: Nothing, just...it’s crazy that we actually did this. Like, they’re here in our house for real.

HARRY: (smiles too) I know, we’re, like...officially parents. (gasps while covering his mouth)

LOUIS: (laughs a little and nods) That we are. (looks at the kiddos) We should probably get them in some kind of routine, no? With their rooms and dinner and stuff? Is it too soon for that? (looks at Harry) Now I’m kinda nervous.

HARRY: (looks at the kids) Don’t be nervous, bub - we got this. We should probably get them settled in their room, though...or...rooms? Should we separate them? 

LOUIS: Maybe that’s too soon. Imagine being one of these two, tiny sorta-kinda strangers in a big, weird house with some bigger, scruffy lookin’, sorta-kinda strangers - personally, I would not wanna be alone.

HARRY: (looks at him and puts a hand on his chest) Did you just call me fat? 

LOUIS: (laughs, like genuinely) So annoying, I would never and you know that.

HARRY: (looks away) That’s right, never.

JORDYN: (knocks over a big plant and looks at Dani in a panic and whispers) Oh no.

DANI: (looks at her with wide eyes and then at Louis and Harry and then Jordyn again) Uh oh. (runs away as a small bundle of panic, hoping Jordyn follows)

JORDYN: (follows Dani)

HARRY: (watches them run away) Where are they going? (laughs and walks to see the plant is on the floor with a little dirt on the ground)

LOUIS: (follows Harry, laughing) I have no idea, I don’t even think they know where they’re going yet. (looks at the dirt on the floor) Perhaps first things first in our parent duty - get fake houseplants.

HARRY: (looks around for them) First thing is to actually clean this mess up while I go find the kids. (walks away to go look for the kiddos)

LOUIS: Aye aye, captain. (goes and grabs their broom from the kitchen and brings it to the scene of the crime, handling the fallen plant gently so he doesn’t ruin it at all and starts sweeping up the dirt)

HARRY: (goes to look in the bathroom because he hears some little voices coming from there and he peeks his head in)

JORDYN: (gasps when she sees Harry and hides behind Dani)

DANI: (pouts) Noooo….(moves from in front of Jordyn, no longer being a shield, and tries to climb in the bathtub to hide instead)

JORDYN: (whines) Dani… (pouts as well and looks at Harry with puppy eyes) I sorry.

HARRY: (smiles) It’s okay, we’re not mad or...upset or anything. (kneels down in front of Jordyn) Are you guys hungry? You want something to eat?

DANI: (gasps and gives up climbing the tub and sits on the floor instead) Yeah.

JORDYN: (just nods her head still a little nervous)

HARRY: Alright. (stands up and holds both his hands out for the girls) Let’s go eat!

JORDYN: (takes his hand)

DANI: (gets up, smiles a lot and goes to him, grabbing his hand)

HARRY: (sings) Food time. (walks out the bathroom with the girls)

JORDYN: (giggles) You funny. 

HARRY: (looks down at her) You think so?

JORDYN: (nods) 

HARRY: (looks at Dani) What about you? What do you think? 

DANI: (looks at him like she’s thinking about it, like a little head tilt and everything)

HARRY: Oh. I see how it is. 

JORDYN: (looks at her) Say he funny Dani. (pouts)

DANI: (giggles and nods) Yeah, you funny. See? (points to herself and smiles really big)

HARRY: (laughs) Very convincing, Dani, thank you.

JORDYN: (looks up at Harry) What conincing? 

DANI: (nods and looks at Harry) Yeah, what?

HARRY: (looks at both of them and then up and sees Louis) Hey sweetheart, how do you explain to three year olds what “convincing” means? 

LOUIS: (looks at him and then hums in thought before looking at Dani and Jordy) Well, I would say...convincing means...that you mean it for real. No funny stuff. 

DANI: (nods once) For real.

LOUIS: (nods back and waits for confirmation from Jordy that it makes sense to her too)

JORDYN: Okay.

HARRY: Okay, food Louis?

JORDYN: Lou Lou. (giggles)

LOUIS: Lou Lou is definitely down for food, but what are we feeding these adorable children, Harold, lover of mine and light of my life?

HARRY: Um... (looks at the girls) ...chicken tenders?

JORDYN: (eyes go so wide) Yes! Please? 

LOUIS: So that’s a winner. (to Harry) We should stock up then. (starts going to the kitchen)

WEDNESDAY

8:05 PM

STYLINSON HOME - LONDON

After dinner is done Harry and Louis make sure the girls are washed up and their teeth are brushed. They show them their room which they chat a bit about nonsense the little ones want to talk about. 

DANI: (in the middle of a story about a friend in the foster home) ...and the ball, it went—(gestures with her hand)—like that to a, um…(gestures to explain a bush with her hands) lots of leaves, and then, it was gone. (nods as if that made all the sense in the world)

LOUIS: That is quite a story, Dani, did you get it back?

DANI: Yeah.

LOUIS: I’m glad. 

JORDYN: Dani cry.

HARRY: You cried over the ball Dani? (pouts at her)

DANI: Yeah, it gone, I sad, I cry. 

LOUIS: Yeah Harry, c’mon, it only makes sense. 

DANI: (nods) For real.

JORDYN: Conincing. (nods)

HARRY: Alright, sorry, geez.

JORDY: (looks at Louis) I sleep here? (points to her bed)

LOUIS: Yeah, that’s your bed, and Dani’s gonna be over there. (points casually to the other bed, probably on the other side of the room)

DANI: (looks confused) Why?

LOUIS: Why?

DANI: Yeah.

LOUIS: ...Did you want the floor?

DANI: (looks at him even more confused than before) No? (looks at Harry) Why?

HARRY: (looks at her confused) Because that is your bed and this is Jordyn’s.

JORDYN: (pouts and looks at Dani) 

DANI: (looks at Jordyn and then at Harry and Louis) You too?

LOUIS: Us too what, love?

DANI: Like…(points to their separate beds to make a point)

LOUIS: (shakes his head) No. It’s different.

DANI: (looks at Jordyn sadly) Okay…

JORDYN: (blows kisses to Dani) We big girl, ‘member? (nods)

DANI: (shrugs) Yeah...

LOUIS: (looks at Harry, mouthing) Did we mess up already?

HARRY: (looks at Louis and shrugs) Okay, well (looks at the girls), you girls gotta go to bed and get your beauty sleep.

JORDYN: (lays down) Night night.

DANI: (baby sighs and gets off of Jordyn’s bed and shuffles over to her own and sits sadly)

LOUIS: (looks at her and laughs a little) Oh, stop it, bug, you’re not far. (nudges Jordyn) Say hi so she knows you’re still here.

DANI: No.

LOUIS: (looks at her) That won’t help?

DANI: (shakes her head and lays down too)

LOUIS: You’re so cute, c’mon…

DANI: (with all her tiny might, unmakes her bed and gets under the covers, from head to toe)

LOUIS: (looks at Harry) Should we have done bunk?

HARRY: Maybe? I’m sorry, Dani. 

JORDYN: Dani, I wuv you! 

DANI: (muffled because she’s hiding) I wuv you too. (to Harry) It’s okay. 

LOUIS: Alright, we’re gonna go now so you guys can sleep, you guys are okay, right?

DANI: (peeks from under her blanket) Yeah.

JORDY: For real. 

HARRY: (looks at Louis) Conincing. (looks back at the girls) Alright goodnight. 

LOUIS: (laughs and gets up) Goodnight, babies.

DANI: Bye bye.

Harry and Louis leave.

JORDYN: (whisper yells) Dani! 

DANI: (looks at Jordyn all smiley) Hi. (giggles) 

A/N: we were fourteen and had big dreams of becoming fic writers. the idea for the fault in our larents came to be for the mere reason of creating a dream life using a ship we both loved - the one and only larry stylinson. over the years (yes, literal years) the story has evolved and grown, including other generations and going through a few rewrites until it became the version in which we present today. blood, sweat, fights and tears have been poured into this. pls enjoy it.

[theyellowplaceposts]

Will you marry me, Harry Styles?

I first saw Harry Styles one Friday night in 2011. I found him in my childhood home, where my big sister and her other 13 year old friends were watching videos of a British boy band on our HP Pavilion desktop. I inserted myself in a corner behind them and watched over their shoulders while a rambunctious group of 5 teenage boys, sitting in a staircase, answered questions from fans bumbling with laughter and awkwardness. 

I soon came to know these 5 boys as a music sensation called One Direction. One Direction, a British boy band, who at the time, only had two songs out. Consisting of Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Zayn Malik, the group was quickly ravishing the hearts of young girls across the globe. First formed on the British television show “The X Factor” in the winter of 2010, they’d found their way into our family basement on a Friday in 2011. 

I spent that weekend finding out as much as I possibly could about “1D.” I’d scoured the internet for their birthdays, favourite foods and songs, their ideal girls and personality types. Devoting my Friday, Saturday and Sunday to my research, I couldn’t wait for school to come around so that I could deliver the heart pounding news to my friends. And by that Monday at lunch, courtesy of the J-14 magazine I brought in my backpack, the news of One Direction had spread amongst the elementary school girls like head lice. 

At recess we traded in Taio Cruze’s “Dynamite” for 1D’s “What Makes You Beautiful,” during math we wrote their names, circled in hearts, on the pages of our Hilroy Exercise books, and at lunch we called dibs on our favourite members. And I, getting first pick, had only one name in mind: Harry Edward Styles. 

Harry Styles and I are exactly 6 years and two months apart, him being born on the first day of February and I, on the last day of March. Harry Styles has brown curly hair and dimples on each cheek. He has green eyes, and looks like a young Mick Jagger. Harry Styles is sensitive because he cried once in the documentary “One direction : A Year in the Making.” He loves John Mayor, and The Rolling Stones. And I was certain that if Harry Styles really knew me, he would love me. 

I figured at around nineteen would be the most appropriate age for Harry to fall in love with me, right around his twenty fifth year of life. I spent most of my sixth grade year planning for my nineteenth birthday, 8 years from 2011. I researched universities in London, where he lived and spent his time when he wasn’t touring. I looked up apartment prices, and scholarship options. I thought about how I’d break it to my mom. I wondered if my sister and friends would miss me. But the goal was Harry Styles, and as long as we were in the same place, at the right time, the universe would do the rest, it owed me that much. 

Before then, however, I made sure Harry and I wasted no time. Harry Styles and I spent our days in his apartment, watching movies, making pancakes, and dancing in the kitchen. Our meet cutes extensive, from cafes to airports to mutual friends and parties, Harry and I seem to always have a way to find each other. Though we sometimes fight, or break up for weeks at a time, always for different reasons: cheating, distance, dependency, we always find our way back to each other. We spend the afternoons outside with our friends, we celebrate birthdays in quirky restaurants and Christmas in his family home. And our relationship goes on like this from the age of 11, into the next couple of years. 

                                                                                   --- 

While my mom and her new boyfriend drank to an excessive amount and fought in our kitchen, Harry Styles and I met for the first time at a cafe in London. He came over to my table and asked “Is this seat taken?” Stunned by my Canadian accent, he asked questions about where I was from and what brought me to London. Pretending I didn’t recognize him, he and I laugh and exchange vast conversations about his interest in sign language and my ability to speak french. He doesn’t want to leave without having gotten my number, which I sheepishly provide on the cafe napkin. 

Harry took me out to Cheshire, the county in England where he’s from, to meet his mother and sister one afternoon. We drank coffee in his mom’s backyard after Cameron Fullum made me cry, calling me “big girl” in the 8th grade hallway. I helped his mother cook dinner for all of us, and his sister Gemma told him how much she liked me. 

Though our relationship, like any real relationship, was not all rosey. We fought about trivial things like distance and harmless text messages. Once, after I had spent hours trying to break open a storage trunk and my undiagnosed OCD kept me up all night, Harry and I got into a big fight while he was on the “Take Me Home” tour. I was upset because there were pictures of him online, seemingly on a date with another girl, and he was upset because he couldn’t understand why I didn’t trust him. 

Though Harry Styles and I aren’t perfect, we spend years together happy and in love. We split our time between our home in London and wherever his tour with One Direction might take us, making only occasional trips back to Canada, to see my high school friends and my mother. We celebrate birthdays, Christmases and album releases together, my own graduation from University and the landing of my dream job. Harry and I brave the world together, leaning on and caring for each other; always at ease to know we aren’t alone. 

                                                                               --- 

Harry Styles and I break up when I’m about sixteen. It was more me than him. Though we both got busy, me with getting older, after school activities and a boy from my history and science class. Him, with the end of One Direction, a daunting solo career, and a debut album to write. With less time for each other and so many distractions, we both ended up different people, in different places unaware how we became so separate in the first place, give or take a few details. 

At the time, it felt like Harry Styles had disappeared from my life as quickly as he had come into it. I became so preoccupied that I’d left him, my dearest Harry Styles, somewhere between exam prep and Halloween parties, all too busy with my 16 year old social life to notice. All of a sudden years had passed and I’d let him go without really knowing it. 

Today, I’m reminded of him only when I see him on my TV at an awards ceremony or through my laptop, dotting around on a twitter feed. In moments like this I’m reminded of the person I knew, and the whole other person that exists, and I wonder if they are mutually exclusive.

The Harry I knew felt so real to me, I can still feel him. I hear Harry's voice and it's as familiar to me as my own mothers. I can still pick his hands out from a crowd. I can still sing every line from any One Direction album. 

Harry Styles and I existed somewhere different, in a world where I was thin and smart. In a place where my OCD didn’t plague my every thought and my mom never met her boyfriend. In a place where I felt safe. I sought refuge in Harry Styles and in return he was kind to me. Harry Styles and I were best friends. And if we’re being honest I’d probably still marry him if he’d just ask.

[harrytomylou]

Harry Styles: The Truth About My Life. - Harry (Includes Harry/Louis)

* I’m posting old fanfictions that I wrote onto this account simply because I want to keep them for myself *

Triggers Warnings for ABUSE, RAPE, DEPRESSION, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS and FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 

I don’t even really remember when it ‘started’, if you want to say that. It was something that I thought was normal when I was younger. As I grew up I learnt that it wasn’t, but at 2 or 3 I remember thinking everyone’s dad’s hit them, you know? I was 6 when I really realised that it wasn’t normal. Wasn’t right. My best friend came round after school one day. His name is Liam. Well, that’s not true. It’s William and everyone calls him Will but I never liked Will and Liam just kind of stuck. We went up to my room. Normally, if I was alone, he’d come up with me. Hurt me. But he never and that confused me. It was routine. It always happened. Why was Liam being there making it different? Why was he acting so sweet? Like he cared about me? He didn’t normally. That night he came into my room at 2 in the morning. Shook me awake, then punched me in the face. Told me if I ever told anyone he’d kill me. And he meant it. Even at 6 I knew that.

So I never did.

I never even told anyone at 8 when he came into my room that Saturday around midday and told me he ‘wanted to have some fun.’ Mum and Gemma weren’t in; they’d gone shopping. Wouldn’t be back for hours, he told me. And he was right. They weren’t back for hours. They weren’t back in time to see him rape me. They weren’t there to see him make me come for him. They didn’t stop him coming all over me. They didn’t see him pull up his jeans and leave me, lying there on him and my mum’s bed, crying my heart out. They didn’t see me stumble into the shower to get rid of all the evidence. Stupid, I know. I should have called the police, but I never. I was 8 and he’d told me not to. Said I couldn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to die. Not then anyway. Oh and they certainly didn’t see my cry my heart out again in my room after getting dressed. Because I knew it was rape. Even then, when I was that young, I knew that wasn’t normal. Dads didn’t do that to their children.

It carried on like that for years. Him raping me. Me crying myself to sleep every night. No one knowing. I started cutting myself when I was 10 years old. It helped a little. Took the pain away for at least a couple of seconds. I was 14 when I finally told someone.  My mother and him had divorced when I was 10 but that didn’t stop him coming round to see me and Gemma. Didn’t stop him asking us to stay round his. My mum always agreed, no matter how much I protested. ‘He’s your father. You have to.’ That’s what she told me. Which is fair enough in normal circumstances, but he was hurting me.

Anyway, I was 14. My mum and her husband had gone away for the weekend, leaving my sister in charge of me. My sister was secretly staying with her friends, leaving me on my own, so they could go out to this party. She was 16.  Liam had a key to my house. I’d forgotten this. He’d worked out I was depressed. Never quite knew why but he knew I was. He’d seen the bruises on my skin. But then he’d also seen the self-inflicted cuts on my wrists and thighs. He thought they were the same thing. They weren’t. I’d been planning this for months. Ever since I found out mum and Robin were going away.  Nothing was going to stop me. I remember walking into the bathroom wrists itching as I gripped the blade tightly in between my fingers. I pulled the three full boxes of paracetamol down from the shelf and swallowed all of them as quickly as I could with a couple of glasses of water before I sliced down the veins in both of my arms and my throat. None of them particularly deep but the cuts on my wrist deeper than the one on my throat. I was just slipping away when I heard the bathroom door slam open. I’d been ignoring calls from everyone and obviously Liam had worked it out. I heard a gasp and saw a blur of paramedics and that’s the last thing I can remember.

I woke up in hospital a week later with my mum, step dad and sister by my side. They told me Liam had called them after the ambulance had taken me away. Told me he was in the toilet. Refused to leave. He came back into the room a couple of minutes later. Cried when he saw I was awake, throwing himself at me carefully, thankful I was alive. I wasn’t. I wanted to die. Everyone kept asking me why I did it. I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t let them know how fucked up I was. How much the man who created me had ruined me. But then Liam muttered those same words everyone else was saying and it was suddenly like I had no choice. He was my best friend. He’d find out no matter what. So I laid there and cried. And cried. And cried. I didn’t want to say it. But I did. I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t keep it to myself.

They all had different reactions. My step dad swore and ‘refused to let the twat anywhere near me ever again.’ My mum cried and apologised over and over. Gemma cried, not saying a word but I could see the hatred and betrayal for him in her eyes and Liam just kept repeating the words ‘you’re so strong.’ I wasn’t. I still don’t really think I am now.

It was about a week later that I got let out of hospital. We were sat in my living room when my step dad suggested rehab. I agreed. I didn’t feel I had a choice. It was my last option. All the others had failed. Even dying.

I was in rehab for 3 months. Admitted to ‘deal with past abuse (sexual, physical and emotional), depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm.’ That’s what it said on my report. Nothing really changed over those 3 months. I mean, I suppose it did. I stopped cutting as much. It went from multiple times a day to about once a week but I still wanted to die. More than anything.

I was almost 15 by this time. It was early December that I was released. My birthday is in February. I suppose that year just kind of passed. I tried to overdose quite a few times by nothing serious. Nothing that needed hospitalization. Me and Liam were closer than before. He saved my life, I suppose we would be. He’d seen me in my most vulnerable state, know what I mean?

Just after I turned 16 I auditioned for The X Factor. It was amazing but it wasn’t enough to take away the pain. I got through and I was happy, yes, but it wasn’t ‘real’ happiness. It didn’t last. I was devastated when they didn’t call out my name at the end of boot camp. Ran to a toilet and sliced my thigh to pieces. I’d never really seen it bleed like that before. I wanted to cut my wrist. It itched so badly but I couldn’t. I’d had shit loads of makeup put on them both to cover the scars I had from both self-harming and from when I tried to kill myself two years ago. They’d covered the scar on my throat too. When I came out I was told they were looking for me. I remember being led up onto the stage and standing with those other 4 boys, one of which I’d met in a toilet (I just remember not being able to think about anything other than how gorgeous he was), another I’d met briefly in the hallway (he was Irish and laughed a lot. I was jealous of him. He was so happy without even having to try), and the other two I’d seen around but never really spoken too. We were put into a band and put through to the next stage of the competition and it was incredible and the boy from the toilet, whose name I’d learnt was Louis, jumped into my arms, which I was perfectly fine with because he was hot. Oh that’s another thing; I was always kind of into boys as well as girls. My family had worked it out when I was young just from the way I talked about them. Boys, I mean. I’d never out right told anyone I was bisexual but I’d never really felt the need to.  It was talked about like it was so normal in my house and I’d introduced boys as ‘my boyfriend’ before so I never really felt it was an issue.

Anyway, life carried on during X Factor. It was an amazing experience, it really was, but it didn’t stop the depression. I was still sad. Still cutting. Still suicidal. Niall (the happy Irish one) noticed my cuts first. It was around week 5 of the live shows and up until that point I’d always made sure I’d changed in the bathroom or I’d turn my back to them or whatever. They all thought it was normal. We were eating dinner, just the 5 of us and I went to reach into the middle of the table for some bread to dip in my macaroni cheese when my jumper sleeve pushed up slightly. I didn’t think anything of it until Niall put down his fork and stared at me. Louis, Zayn and Liam (Payne. Not my best friend from home) all just stared at him. I remained oblivious.

‘Harry, what’s that?’ He’d asked gently. I looked up confused as I pulled my hand back, my sleeve falling back into place as well, and set my bread on the side of my plate. ‘On your wrist?’ He asked. I looked down at it, panic suddenly filling my mind. I stayed silent. So did the boys.

‘What’s going on?’ I heard Louis ask softly, care soaking his words and that’s when it all came out. I sat there at that circular dining table and told 4 boys I’d known for less than my stay in rehab all of my deepest darkest secrets, tears coming and all.

They all reacted different as well. Well they all cried but apart from that they were all different. Niall had the same reaction as my step dad and became incredibly protective, Liam told me over and over again how proud he was of me for trying to get help and for still being here, Zayn stood up and walked away unable to deal with it, although he sat me down and had a full conversation with me about it the next day, telling me how amazing I was and how I didn’t deserve anything and Louis smiled sympathetically before hugging me tight and telling me he was going to help me. That’s all he said that night but 2 weeks later he sat me down, gave me a thick brochure with loads of houses all over the country in it and told me we were moving in together when X Factor was over.

We came third and that night I refused to eat dinner and instead sat up in our shared room sobbing and cutting my wrist apart. Louis walked in on me. I expected him to freak out to be honest, but he never.

‘Oh Haz. Darling.’ He’d muttered sympathetically, clearly feeling how upset I was, before grabbing the room’s first aid kit and falling to his knees beside me on the floor. He moved his hand out slowly to take the blade off of me as I cried and gripped tighter but he won. I knew he would. He fixed me up and cleaned the blade before softly asking me where I kept it. I was shocked; I thought he was going to take it away. Go for that approach, you know? But he never. He gave it back to me, watching carefully as I took the back of my phone apart and slipped it under the tape on the inside of the case before putting it back together. He took my phone off me and threw it up onto my top bunk, then pulled me down onto his single bed with him and whispered comforting things into my ear as I cried myself to sleep on his chest.

He kept his promise about living together. We agreed on a nice flat in London and moved into it a month later. He was amazing. He supported me. Hugged me, talked to me or just sat with me when I needed it. Let me sneak into his room, which quickly became our room, when I couldn’t sleep at night. Fixed up my wrist or thigh or where ever I’d cut when I was too upset to do anything about it. He dealt with my nightmares, screaming and lashing out. He’d hide pills and anything that I could try to kill myself with away from me. He was just amazing. He really was.

It was hard and took about a year but I eventually became comfortable enough in front of him, when we were home alone, to stop using tub after tub of foundation to cover the scar on my throat and stop wearing thick jumpers to cover my wrists. I eventually managed to walk around with short sleeved, low cut tops on and not even think about it. He stared a bit at the beginning but it kind of became normal after a while. I remember one time my parents were round and I walked into the living room where they and Louis were sat with a short sleeved top on. Louis smiled and patted the sofa next to him, pulling me into a hug after I’d sat down. So naturally. My mum and step dad stared at my wrists, then at Louis, then back to my wrists in sync. They’d never really seen my scars before so I suppose it was weird for them. A couple of hours later I was making dinner when I faintly heard my mum ask Louis if he was used to seeing my scars.

‘Yeah. I don’t even really notice anymore to be honest. I mean, I do when there are new cuts there and things but it doesn’t bother me. I like that he feels comfortable enough to not cover himself up with me.’ I’d heard him answer. I smiled a real smile for the first time in a while. It seemed like things were maybe starting to get better. Possibly.

It was 2012 when everything got too much for me again. Louis and I had got together at the end of 2011 and were being forced to cover up our relationship by our management. I was having really bad nightmares every night again. I’d upped my self-harm again and was doing it pretty much every other day and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. Louis wasn’t around. He was always out with his beard, Eleanor. Management were trying to make us move out, into our own separate houses and I was just done. I wanted to die. I couldn’t cope.

On 16th May 2012 I snapped. Louis was out with Eleanor again. The rest of the boys were at their houses or with their families or friends or whatever. I didn’t really know. I hadn’t spoken to Liam (Will) in weeks either and I just didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I felt. I just didn’t know and it was a horrible feeling. I ran into the kitchen searching everywhere until I found the box of paracetamol and box of aspirin and took them into the bathroom, sitting on the floor with a small glass of water. I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent Liam (Will) a quick message saying I was sorry before I began swallowing the pills. I’d swallowed all the aspirin and half of the paracetamol when I heard the front door swing open and the sound of my boyfriend’s panicked voice calling my name. I heard the boys too. He’d obviously been with them. That thought hit me and I remember suddenly feeling exceptionally left out and hurt. My gaze dropped to my lap as the bathroom door slammed open.

‘Shit.’ I heard Niall whisper as my fingers fumbled to get another pill out of the packet. Louis leaped at me, pushing the pills out of my hand and kicking them across the room before turning my head up to meet his. I felt sick.

‘How much have you taken?’ He asked quickly, fear evident in his voice. I shrugged. He dropped my head to look at the empty packets spread across the lino.

‘How much?’ I heard Zayn ask from the doorway, he, Liam and Niall having no idea what to do.

‘Enough.’ Louis replied, pushing an empty box out of the way before pulling me up onto my knees and pushing me to lean over the toilet.

‘No.’ I whispered gently, tears now falling down my cheeks as I braced my hands on the toilet seat.

‘Yes, Harry. Make yourself sick.’ Louis answered loudly, his hands shaking with panic as he held me up.

‘No.’ I muttered again, turning my head to look at Louis who hesitated slightly, looking back at the boys before changing his position so he was kneeling behind me with one arm wrapped around my chest to keep me steady.

‘Please.’ He whispered into my ear. I shook my head stubbornly. ‘Okay.’ He replied loudly. Well, not loudly but loud enough for the other boys to hear.

‘Okay?’ Liam pretty much shouted from the doorway. ‘Louis, he’s going to die.’

‘I know. I know.’ Louis muttered, bringing his right hand up to stroke my lips hesitantly.

‘Good.’ I whispered, broken.

‘No. No, not good.’ Louis replied firmly, pushing his body into my back to lock me in that position and forcing two fingers into my mouth and down my throat. He retracted them quickly as I heaved into the toilet bowl, throwing up a couple of the pills in me. I cried heavily as I pushed back against him, away from the toilet, turning my head away from his fingers. Louis sighed gently, catching himself as I pushed him and pushing his fingers back past my lips. I reacted quickly allowing him to pull his fingers back out as I missed the toilet and vomited onto the cold floor next to us. I felt Louis wince behind me before pressing a kiss to my hair, moving me back so I was leaning over the toilet and repeating the action as I collapsed into him, exhausted. From then on it’s just a blur of Louis making me sick and me passing out on him to be honest.

When I woke up I was in Louis’ arms, in our bed, with Zayn and Liam sat cross legged facing each other at the end of it and Niall sat on one of the dining room chairs he’d obviously brought in, next to the bed. I remember groaning at the pounding in my head and burying myself into Louis further. I remember them being all awkward and asking me why I did it. I remember sobbing and punching Louis’ chest over and over again while screaming at all of them that ‘I want to fucking die. Why did you save me? I don’t want to be here.’ Before breaking down crying into Louis’ chest again. I remember Louis’ phone ringing and it being my mum. He put the phone on loud speaker as she talked about how Liam had come running round to her and how worried he was and how much they both loved and needed me and how I couldn’t die. I had to stay here for them. I stayed silent through the whole thing, falling asleep again shortly after the phone call.

Liam (Will) turned up at my door the next day. I was shocked as hell and still felt incredibly ill, tired and emotionally drained but he hugged me and we both stood there and cried for about 10 minutes until Louis came over and ushered us both back inside. The three of us sat down in the living room (Niall, Zayn and Liam having gone home earlier) with tea and Liam asked me how I was feeling and why I did it and all those usual questioned. I answered honestly. I told him I didn’t know how I was feeling. Didn’t know anything and he sighed and nodded because we’d been through this before. I just stopped feeling anything. I was empty. I remember Louis bringing up medication just like Liam had when I was 14 years old and I gave him the exact same answer. I didn’t agree with it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to have to take some shitty pill every day if it was only going to give me this fake happiness. I didn’t want fake happiness. They had both nodded and accepted my views, seeing where I was coming from. We talked and talked and I eventually agreed to go to my doctor (with Louis) and ask to see someone. A counsellor.

I went two weeks later and got referred to a clinic. A week later I got a phone call from a lady named Jessica, who I’ve been having weekly sessions with for about 4 and a half months now.

Things are looking up. I don’t want to die anymore. I still cut but it’s about once a month which is the best I’ve ever done. I’ve been cutting for almost 10 years. It’s going to be hard and, hey, I might never stop but at least it’s not bad anymore. The cuts were never deep. They were more scratches than they were cuts but yeah… That’s not the point. A cut is a cut and if it’s self-inflicted then it’s an issue, that’s what Louis told me. I’ve learnt to deal with everything my father did to me in other ways now. I talk to Louis about it a lot. I draw or watch a film or some TV or listen to music or do anything really as long as it’s a distraction. I basically just distract myself from thinking about it. It works for the most part.

I like my life now. There’s parts of it I don’t and never will but there is also parts of it that I would never change and overall those parts outweigh the bad. My boyfriend is definitely one of those good parts. He’s incredibly and I’ve never met someone so supportive. Music is another. We’re doing alright, my band.  And by alright I mean remarkably. I’m famous. It’s weird saying that because at times I still just feel like that trapped 11 year old boy being abused by my father everyday but hey. I think the most important thing that I’ve learnt is that life goes on. That shit happens and no matter what I did or didn’t have or what I went through in my past, life still moves on. I can be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that. I can be happy and free and openly gay with my boyfriend without management, my fears and my past holding me back. I can be me. And I am me.

Call me a bad person but I honestly hope he’s dead - my biological father. I haven’t heard from him for almost 5 years and I never want to again. He ruined my childhood, yeah. But I won’t let him ruin anything else. I won’t let him ruin my life, my job, my fans, my relationship, nothing. He’s coming nowhere near anything I love ever again. And that includes me because yeah there are days where I hate myself and all I want to do is lay in my bed and cut because the memories won’t stop flooding back to me but the majority of the time, I’m okay. I’m happy and I try my hardest to love myself.

So yeah.. This is my life. It’s my story. That one that no one else has told. Because it’s unique. I’m unique. And the rest of the world can take me or leave me because I have what I need right here. I have my boyfriend. I have my best friends. I have my parents; my mum and my dad. Because Robin is my dad. Maybe not by blood, but he’s the only dad I’ve ever had. And you know what?

It’s November 2012, I’m 18 years old and for the first time in my life, I have happiness.

[zairehyun-blog]

do ask memes :o

ALL OF THEM!? ON THE ENTIRE WEBSITE!? no but since i love you i will ~

Halloween asks : done

‘Let’s get personal’: done

Sweet asks:

vanilla - how has your week been?

An honest to god mess, but that’s okay. It’ll get better soon~

chocolate - what do you crave right now?

Attention.

red velvet - what type of music do you like?

All tbh

ice cream - if you were an animal, what kind would you be?

I WOULD BE RILAKKUMA (u may be like zaire that’s not an animal. shhh let me be rilakkuma)

cake - describe your ideal location

like.. im just gonna say what i consider home

new zealand or osaka ����

mocha - what are three things that make you feel warm inside?

my bby

the stars

writing abt my day at night

frosting - describe your appearance

uhm Mmmm i don’t know how i would.

marshmallow - do you sleep with plushies? if so, which are your favorites?

I DO INDEED i sleep with my moomin

sorbet - describe an ideal summer day

Going on adventures ;; especially car rides n stuff like that ✨

butterscotch - describe an ideal autumn day

going outside and walking around and the cold wind n i m happy it’s autumn 🍂

caramel - describe an ideal winter day

DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE AND WATCHING TV IN AN OVERSIZED SWEATER WHILE IT SNOWS AND THEN GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY IN THE SNOW ❄️

pecan - describe an ideal spring day

sitting outside n just enjoying all the flowers c”:

mint - what’s new in your life?

my bby

pie - “home is where…”

he is

macaroon - list three things you feel inspired to do

draw again

to cosplay

2 mAKE HOT CHOCOLATE NOW

Send me a number:

1: where are you from?

I was born in London but I was raised in New Zealand

2: how old are you?

I’m 18

3: when is your birthday?

March 13th

4: what is your favorite music genre?

It all depends on my mood

5: religious?

Yes

6: do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

7: would you want to be immortal?

Yes and no, I would hate to lose everyone who isn’t but I would love to see how the world will evolve idk

8: favorite book?

Alice in Wonderland

9: favorite song?

MIC DROP ASJGHSD

10: favorite band/singer?

I have too many but between bts and exo :3

11: sexual preference?

Indifferent to gender

12: virgin? If not, how old were you when you had sex for the first time?

No & 16

13: do you drink, if yes, tell me what?

Nah.

14: do you smoke?

No

15: ever did drugs?

No

16: ever visit a festival?

Yes

17: do you have pets? tell me about them!

I have 2 cats ✨

Ayumu & Kiyoshi

18: how many countries have you been to?

A lot , my dads travel 2 much

19: do you speak another language besides english? If yes, write a sentence in that language!

Korean - 안녕 사랑해!

Japanese - やあ、君を愛している！

and Arabic - مرحبا انا احبك!

They all say Hi, I love you! C:

20: vegan, vegetarian or meat eater?

21: be creative! write a short story about something that comes into your mind!

ASGIJSDHKJf i hate

one day we all heard zayn left the band and it was the worst day ever like they had a song called the best day ever no bitch this is the worst day ever and we all went 2 bed and it was all a mutual dream we all had (WTF WAS THIS ASKJGHKSD)

22: put your iPod on shuffle and tell me the first 10 songs

i don’t have my phone near me either

23: grab the nearest book and give me the last sentence of page 124

I have no books near me....

24: tell me about your crush

i’m answering his ask

25: any weird habits?

If i get scared i start sucking on the back of my thumb

26: ever been rude to a teacher?

Yeah

27: ever talked to yourself?

I always do...

28: extrovert or introvert?

In the middle

29: the most embarrassing moment in your life?

WHEN MY DAD GOT DRUNK AND STARTED FLIRTING wITH MY OTHER DAD AND WAS LIKE “u single”

and my other dad said “no.” and MY daD cRIEd AJHKGDS

30: what keeps you going?

🍯 you c: 🍯

31: ever thought about suicide?

Always

32: do you suffer from a mental illness?

Yeah

33: I'm bored, tell me something funny that happened to you!

I once fell down a flight of stairs because I thought someone was walking up them and I wanted to beat them, but like as I was falling I realised I was walking downstairs and no one was there.

34: your 5 favorite blogs

1. @spook-hyun

2. @lucidyeol

3. @hosvoks

4. @ultchen

5. any suggestion blog tbqh

35: 10 facts about yourself

1. I can bend my pinky all the way back lmao

2. It took me one night to learn Korean :’)

3. I’m a self taught artist

4. the first cat I ever had, I randomly found and I nursed him back to health and he never left me C:

5. I used to want to be a vet/or just someone around animals at all times

6. I used to live by the ocean and yet i’m lowkey afraid of it askJGHKSD

7. I started this blog as a safe space ✨

8. I have a twin sister who’s older than me by a minute

9. I have a younger sister who still calls me her little brother....

10. i’m madly in love

36: 3 things you like about yourself

Nothing

37: 3 things you hate about yourself

Everything

38: biggest turn on?

AHEH IM NOT DISCLOSING THAT I have a stalker who’s gonna try shit so no

29: biggest turn off?

someone who’s controlling. ;e; like i get if you’re like warning me abt something but if you’re like thisthen yeah fuck off.

30: when did you join tumblr?

January 2014

Luxury Asks:

bubble bath: do you have any routines before bedtime? like skin care, etc. what are they?

AHA YALL READY FOR THIS

I wash my face n then i brush my teeth and then i put lotion on and i change and then i drink green tea and watch anime lmao and that’s it

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours?

You

crushed velvet: have you ever used your charm to get something you want?

AHEH HOW DO U THINK I GOT HYUN

diamonds: how do you feel about excessively spending money?

I mean, if it’s for a shopping spree for good reason (like u got cheated on and are trying to make yourself happy) then yeah, but if you do it everyday then no

faux fur: describe your wardrobe.

lots of oversized sweaters and jeans and cosplay outfits

glitter: describe someone special to you.

His eyes look like honey when the sun shines on them and every time it happens I fall in love

gold: describe what you would call the most perfect meal.

mY DADS KIMCHI COME FOR ME

jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.

Go go because 

“I want to be cruisin’ on the bayI want to be cruisin’ like NemoNo money but I wanna go far awayI don’t have money but I wanna relaxNo money but I wanna eat Jiro Ono’s sushi

Worked hard to get my payGonna spend it all on my stomachPinching pennies to spend it all on wasting itLeave me be, even if I overspendEven if I break apart my savings tomorrowLike a crazy guy”

lace: what is something in your life completely different from last year?

My happiness

lingerie: do you consider yourself a promiscuous person?

If I remember the definition correctly 

kinda? but I stopped being that way

lipstick: do you enjoy talking to strangers?

n...no not at all lmAO unless it’s like at a comic con or something like that then yeah

pearls: what's something about your personality that surprises others?

I open up to people when I feel comfortable with them, like, I seem really shy and reserved but I open up to everyone I meet as long as I’m comfortable. 

penthouse: what would you consider your dream home? describe it.

AAAH my old house

perfume: if you could make your own signature fragrance, what would it smell like?

Ironically my cologne is really strong but it’s not so strong you’re like *dies inside*, it’s like, it’s strong so you remember it and if you smell it somewhere, you’re like “Zaire?”

robe: how do you prepare for an evening alone with a loved one/date?

I HYPE MYSELF UP AND THEN I GET READY LMAO

roses: If it had to be winter, autumn, spring or summer for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN LIKE 

AUTUMN ABT TO TURN WINTER YES

satin: what is your most favorite article of clothing?

this oversized as FUcK black sweater that says “fuck off” in japanese on the sleeves asghsdjkfl 

sheet mask: what's your favorite lazy activity?

drinking tea while watching anime

silk: do you have more inner or outer beauty?

Inner

silver: do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?

I’ll draw on the wall and then i’ll paint over it??? unless i rlly rlly like it

sparkling water: what are your top three songs for the summer?

ew summer

wine: what kind of drunk are you (happy/affectionate, angry, sad, fun/wild)? if you don't drink, what kind do you think you WOULD be?

Well, 

one dad acts all normal and like he’s not drunk and he makes perfect sense and he’s fully aware of everything and can walk perfectly and cook

my biological dad on the other hand is all emotional and affectionate n happy n soft lMAO so i guess i’d be like my biological dad

wow bby i hope you enjoyed this

[snokesmagicalmusicblog]

Harry Styles Debut Album

This album has been talked about for awhile now and I wish I could have reviewed and listened sooner, but here I am a week later so it is what it is. Now we have a lot of folks who just will write this album off because Harry Styles was part of a boy-band (may I add in my opinion), the best boy-band i’ve ever heard. One Direction actually had true talent and it was clear Harry was a huge star within the band, so do not write off this album just because of his roots, take this album SERIOUSLY.

1. Meet Me in the Hallway - This was the first track I heard from the whole album, I didn’t even listen to the single Sign of the Times or anything. I just went right into the album and I had no idea what to expect. If anything I was expecting straight up pop or r&b, maybe like Zayn’s sound, but this SURPRISED me. I was not expecting this indie-type sound whatsoever. The song starts with this creeping guitar that sounds absolutely beautiful and Harry’s chilling vocals (which are phenomenal by the way) jump in. I was so shocked to hear this type of music from Harry, and I am surprised people are really digging it, but this whole song caught me by surprise, but I loved every minute of it.

2. Sign of the Times - Alright so you’ve probably heard this one and it has been everywhere. An almost 6 minute epic song that takes you through a whirlwind of emotions is exactly what it is. His voice and lyrics of course do not disappoint. I have not seen anything negative about this song and I don’t think I will, it is just a perfect pop song and what pop music needs.

3. Carolina - Wow! What a fun cleverly written banger. It is super catchy and the instrumentation is amazing. I love the lyrics on this track, they just flow so nicely together. You have Harry talking about meeting this great girl which could have been so cliche, but he makes it a worthwhile song and a captivating one at that. This song again defies what pop music is limited to and dare i say reminds me a lot of something the old Arctic Monkeys would have written.

4. Two Ghosts - I am absolutely infatuated with this song. The effects of the guitar hold the song so well and it goes great with the light acoustic in the background. The one thing I love about Harry Styles is his voice can do almost anything but he doesn’t show off in every song. He plays it pretty mellow and knows what he is doing. I absolutely love the chorus in this song, he says “We're not who we used to be We don't see what we used to see We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat” it just makes me think of how it can feel to be empty and invisible and meeting someone who feels the same way and makes you complete. This song reminds me a lot of a more 70′s vibe, for some reason it reminds me a lot of “Sister Golden Hair” by America.

5. Sweet Creature - This song starts off with a beautiful plucking pattern that immediately draws you in. I will say if you are looking for a more “One Direction” vibe on this album this song would probably be your best bet but i definetely do not think that was intentional what so ever. This song is definitely special but compared to the other songs on the album that I hold to such a high standard it could easily get lost in the mix for me. Like I said it’s not a bad song by any means but if I had to skip one from the album it would probably be this one.

6. Only Angel - I didn’t see where this song was going AT. ALL. It starts off with a nice soothing string, calm, vibe and then bam this guitar kicks in and again i get that old Arctic Monkeys aura. Harry’s voice holds up so well with a rock and roll sound and the riff goes terrific with the song. It’s a song you just want to clap along to and I would throughly enjoy jamming out to this friends. I personally enjoy the line, “Told it to her brother and she told it to me That she's gonna be an angel, just you wait and see When it turns out she's a devil in between the sheets And there's nothing she can do about it”.

7. Kiwi - AGAIN we have this rock and roll post-punk/indie vibe and it works SO well. Kiwi is such a fun silly song and I love every minute of it. It just goes to show Harry could easily be a leader of a rock band or a pop star or really anything he wanted. He screams in the song “I’M HAVING YOUR BABY!” Well Harry, I’m sure after hearing your voice in this song most ladies wouldn’t really mind that. The bridge in this song breaks down to a very built up instrumental break that just kind of draws off of that sexual tension he’s portraying. Totally enjoy this track.

8. Ever Since New York - I love the guitar in this song, the lead and the back ground really stand out and it really brings out his vocals very well. There’s a nice beat carried the way through on the toms and it gives it a jazzier vibe. The chorus hits you like the wind of a subway that goes by and it just pulls at you in the best way possible, the way he sings “Oh tell me something i don’t already know” really gives you that goosebump feeling. I am not sure how on par I am with his meaning of the song but either way you feel the emotion of what i sense is leaving someone in the song.

9. Woman - This song starts off with a dialogue of, “Should we just search romantic comedies on Netflix and then see what we find?” really what else could you want as opening? By this point I’m like, “okay Harry how many more songs of heartbreak with a slow pace could captivate me?” But he does it AGAIN. This song much like Sweet Creature didn’t captivate me as much as the others but nonetheless I again, don’t think it’s a bad song by any means and it goes really well with the vibe of the album. I think if you are a guitar junkie you’re really going to like the instrumental break and the riff of the song. 

10. From The Dining Table - Interestingly enough we start in the hallway then we make our way to the dining table, we are making are way through the whole house! No but seriously, this is probably my favorite track on the entire album. It’s haunting and I love his voice on this track. It sounds a lot like Elliot Smith and it has that raw emotion. The guitar and his solo voice is so irresistible on this track. I think it is one of the best closing tracks on a record I have heard. With all the songs that captivate the emotion of heartbreak on this album, this one just does it best and I almost cried over it. “Even my phone misses your call, by the way” I love everything about this song. 

So basically I don’t care how much you hated on One Direction, I don’t care how much you hate mainstream music, or pop music in general, LISTEN TO THIS ALBUM! From a completely non-biased perspective this is the best album I have heard all year. It’s raw and it’s genuine, if you don’t at least respect it, you’re kidding yourself.

Favorite Tracks: Meet Me In the Hallway, Only Angel, From the Dining Table

Least favorite: Sweet Creature, Woman

Rating: 4.5/5

[larryspecificrecs]

2015: Jan. ~ Jun.

✔ July ~ December 2015 || all fests/exchanges || other years

Top 30 longest AU fics

1. Four's Company by vampire_angel_z | @nobody-at-all-really [E, 275.6k]

The alpha triplets need a mate. Louis is too perfect to be true.  ~ 2015.05

2. All Tired Talk by @reedytenors [M, 268.6k]

In which Harry is the dying front man of a dying rock band, Zayn has finally given up holding his hair back in dingy bathrooms, Niall and Liam are holding up the fort, and Louis comes along with eyes the color of the sky to remind Harry that there is still more life to live.  ~ 2015.02

3. Gods & Monsters by Velvetoscar | @mizzwilde [M, 201.3k]

The instructions were simple: seduce and destroy Harry Styles. Not once did they discuss the option of Louis actually falling in love. So, naturally, that's exactly what he did.  ~ 2015.03

4. Lets Go To Dinner and Not Eat Anything. by Nicolasgrimshaw [T, 191.1k]

Louis is one of the 25% of males who suffer from anorexia. He's obsessed with calories and constantly working them off. Harry is also one of the 25% of anorexic males. He's obsessed with being able to see his collar bones and balancing a ruler on his hipbones. Louis is brand new to the path of recovery and since he and Harry are the only males in the hospitals program they have the honors of rooming with each other. Maybe if they can't fall in love with food, they can fall in love with each other.  ~ 2015.06

5. Right By Your Side by mezziedemo [M, 154.4k]

Marine Biologist Harry Styles works at SeaWorld Australia and conducts dolphin therapy sessions for people suffering trauma or fear of water. He loves his job and his life in Australia, but it all gets turned upside down when a beautiful blue eyed boy from the UK is sent down under for therapy after a near drowning incident. Louis Tomlinson dived into the river to save his sister without a second thought to his own safety. When he almost drowned trying to save her, the after effects are severe. After a particularly bad panic attack, he is referred to a program in Australia, where he finds himself in the care of the prettiest boy he's ever seen. Can they maintain the professional boundaries required to get Louis well again, or will their desire for each other be too hard to fight?  ~ 2015.06

6. Serendipity, Actually by somethingsilly | @landansquitebig [M, 143.1k]

AU where Harry truly believes in Destiny and Louis just happens to cross his path at the right moment. Featuring a world with the size of a stamp, Liam as the best friend ever, Niall as a social butterfly who knows everyone and Zayn who always knows what's going on.  ~ 2015.04

7. Unbelievers by isthatyoularry | @isthatyoularry [E, 136.8k]

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.  ~ 2015.06

8. Let's Fall in Love in a Place You Want to Stay by embro [?, 134.1k]

A George of the Jungle / Tarzan AU where Louis is a model who meets Wild Man Harry in the Congo. He was raised by apes and barely speaks a word of English and turns Louis' life upside down.  ~ 2015.05

9. Wild And Unruly by 100percentsassy & gloria_andrews | @100percentsassy @gloriaandrews [E, 123.6k]

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.  ~ 2015.05

10. Marking Up The Atmosphere by acidveins | @harryendous [E, 119.1k]

At the age of twenty, Harry deals with things expected to occur at his age: student loans, instant meals, electricity bills, and the constant, incessant presence of never ending coursework. That, and the job of raising his six year old daughter and avoiding the charm of a young, successful, and very off-limits Louis Tomlinson.  ★ 1D Big Bang round 3

11. nobody shines the way you do by wildestdreams | @softasurcheek [E, 115.3k]

Louis pretends to be Harry’s boyfriend to help him win back his douchebag ex-boyfriend, but things don’t go according to plan.  ★ 1D Big Bang round 3

12. The Galaxy's Edge by thecheshirepussycat | @the-cheshire-pussy-cat [E, 113.9k]

In which Louis is a bounty hunter with a messed up past. Harry is a prince who just wants to prove himself. Niall and Zayn have too many things to figure out together. And Liam just wants to take care of his family. Things never quite go as they are planned during a simple rescue job.  ~ 2015.05

13. Crazy and Infectious by Star55 | @star55​ [E, 101.8k]

A 17/25 age difference story in which we flash back to find out just how Louis and Harry actually got together.  ~ 2015.02

14. Butterfly Gun by eravain [M, 100.3k]

1940's AU. Even after six years apart, they can't forget their shared wartime childhood.  ~ 2015.04

15. nocturne in silver and blue by tinyweirdloves | @tinyweirdloves [E, 97.5k]

louis is a fallen star and harry brings him home. told over the course of fourteen years.  ★ 1D Big Bang round 3 

16. Who Painted the Moon Black by throughthedark | @haroldsmodellegs [E, 95.6k]

Hunger Games AU where Louis Tomlinson is district six's victor from the 69th Hunger Games and Harry Styles is district seven's victor from the 72nd Hunger Games.  ~ 2015.01

17. Baby..Baby? by bottomlouiswriter | @bottomlouiswriter [M, 91.2k]

Louis and Harry are just a normal couple. Well if Louis being able to get pregnant even being a guy, and Harry already having had impregnated Louis resulting in their 10 month old son Alexander. They both have busy lives, Harry being at uni studying music and photography while also maintaining a job to support his family, and louis is a stay at home dad to Alexander. Everything is changed when Harry gets a life changing job offer and things start changing, quite quickly. Oh, and did I mention that Louis pregnant again.  ~ 2015.04

18. You are the Only Exception by MrsStylinson | @lovehoperomance [T, 91k]

Louis is 21 and a serial Casanova and Harry is the 17 year old heartbreaker who won't leave him alone who chooses to ignore this fact. Louis just might be falling in love with the ridiculously eager boy but Harry might just get tired of always giving chase.  ~ 2015.06

19. Chasing the High by Rearviewdreamer | @all-these-larrythings [M, 90.7k]

Louis is a therapist in a rehab facility and Harry has been court ordered to stay there for six weeks.  ~ 2015.03

20. Just Say You Love Me, Just For Today by NiamJenn1994 | @meloveniall1994 [M, 87.1k]

A Parent Trap Au  ~ 2015.05

21. No Matter Where You Are by Redworks [T, 85.9k]

AU where Louis makes a lot of mistakes but Harry loves him anyway.  ~ 2015.04

22. electing strange perfections by lightofathousandstars | @scrunchyharry​ [E, 84.7k]

Back for the summer from university, 19-year-old Louis is faced with a massive problem: their new gardener is quite possibly the most gorgeous man he's ever met. Over the course of the summer, Louis and a 25-year-old Harry will learn that love can be found where you least expect it.  ~ 2015.02

23. for now (and forever) [M, 88.2k]

Louis is going into the Army, Harry is going nowhere, and there's nothing like a little identity fraud between friends.  ~ 2015.02

24. leave it to the breeze by hattalove | @hattalove​ [E, 81.4k]

a great british bake off au in which louis cares about winning and winning only, harry is made of sunshine and rainbow sprinkles, and niall sticks his nose into other people's business. also featuring liam as louis's best friend-slash-concerned mother, and zayn as a macaron connoisseur.  ★ 1D Big Bang round 3

25. More Than Meets The Eye by Kathyyjane [T, 78.8k]

Harry Styles is use to being pushed around by the football team, so he expects nothing else from new kid Louis Tomlinson, who just happens to be a jock. Will Harry learn that not everyone is the same, that everyone has secrets, and that sometimes there is more to a person than what meets the eye?  ~ 2015.04

26. Want You More Than A by TheCellarDoor | @donotdialnine​ [M, 77.5k]

Falling in love with your step-brother’s best friend is a disaster enough. When he happens to be the boy everyone loves and you’re a nerd who wears sweater vests and cries during rom-coms, it takes it to a whole new level.  ~ 2015.01

27. You Drive Me Round The Bend by TheCellarDoor | @donotdialnine​ [M, 77k]

In which Louis is a spoilt rich kid who’s always on the phone while he drives and Harry is a struggling musician making his way down the mountain. It’s just a matter of time before they crash and burn.  ~ 2015.06

28. May We Stay Lost On Our Way Home by LoadedGunn | @loaded-gunn [E, 74.2k]

On March 31st, Harry Styles disappears. Though many speculate, only two people know where to find him: Niall, his former guitarist, and Zayn, who follows where Niall leads.The fact the biggest boy band in the world broke up two weeks earlier might be related to the disappearance. The fact Harry meets a fairy named Louis in the woods is a whole other matter.  ~ 2015.04 From Fairy Fic series

29. To Him Who in the Love of Nature by wayfared | @charrysoda​ [M, 71.4k]

after Louis' delicate world comes crashing down upon him, he takes off for the loneliest place he can think of. But, in the midst of the whirling snow, there's always a warm fireplace to come home to. ★ 1D Big Bang round 3

30. Blue as a glacier by kitundercover | @kitundercover​ [E, 71.3k]

Skiing AU. Harry is the famous singer who's decided to have a go at skiing between tours. Louis is the snowboarder who makes the mistake of taking the lift with him. They go from there.  ~ 2015.05

[cloveroctobers]

Music shuffle playlist.

Rules: The first 14 songs you shuffle on your playlist sets the mood for how your 2018 will be.

1. Mali Music - My Life | “You know we spend a whole lot time

Thinking we living when we dead inside

We telling people what we see

Telling people what he heard

But they're just lies.” — PREACH

2. James TW - Naked | “What you done my cruel lover, You run these sheets we're under

You stripped me of my armor

You slipped and I blew your cover

You hesitated

You had a secret

My lips could taste it

Cause when you kissed me wasted

You left me naked.” — Is this some foreshadowing for me actually opening up to someone else just to get fucked over again? I think not.

3. ZAYN - BLUE | “I need somebody to love me blue.” — see I’m really not trying to be depressed this year. I’m trying to get my shit together and not like anybody ruin me especially with love. Although I’ve been single all 21 Years of life.

4. The Weeknd - False Alarm | “Six inch long, 'bout three inch wide (she loves)

Dolla, dolla bill is her only type (she loves)

You love her but you'll never be (she loves)...

You love her, but you'll never be (she loves)

Enough, enough

The one, the one — this song always reminds me of the good old 80’s. It just sets me in the mood for night time adventuring. It’s also when I really come alive too. I take on a whole new persona and feel different. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was born at midnight. Anyways the last line to be translates personally to me: anyone that finds “interest” in me it’s usually never reciprocated on my part. Maybe it has to do with me being rejected in high school and glowing up where my standards are so high. Sure this song talks about materialism and I don’t think I’m that materialistic but I believe my inner persona maybe if that makes sense. Such as I see her as the extrovert part of me, the bold, the wild, red lipstick, striking Smokey eyes, in a 60s interior styled penthouse party dressed in gold velvet catching the eyes of all who want my attention.

5. Grace VanderWaal - Darkness keeps chasing me | “Every now and then

The darkness tries to chase me

And my legs are getting tired of running

Oh, please don't

Please don't let it get to me

Oh, I don't wanna give up that easily

But the darkness keeps chasing me, me.” — she sounds like bea Miller so much to me, except her voice is a little lighter! Anyways it seems like I’ll be feeling the blues a little bit this year. I’m not ready for that.

6. MiC LOWRY - 2 U interlude | “I keep my phone face down, you come around

Nothing to hide from you, give all my time to you

Love when you lie face down, such a pretty sound

You let me inside of you

Give all my time to you” — I love them so much no one has any idea. But does this mean I’ll actually find love this year? Lol.

7. Majid Jordan - Shake Shake Shake | “I really think she needs someone like me

To take her out for a quick two-step

Something that she ain't seen yet

I really wanna be her man

Someone who understands, someone who understands...” — this is one of my fav Majid Jordan songs and feels so 80s. Does this mean I’m actually going to the club this year? Will I find a cutie to dance with cause I’m down? Lmao.

8. Fifth Harmony - Make You Mad | “No other like me, yeah, baby, you'll see

Won't ya come my way?

I'll lock ya down and I'll throw out the key

Won't ya come my way?

I'm gonna make you miss me

I'm gonna make you go mad

I’m gonna make sure I’m the best you ever had (No).” — I’m good for doing this either way lol.

9. Young the giant - Amerika | “... With gold in my eyes

Are you paying attention?

I was searching for something

As I watched you run

I was sad when you said that you never really wanted some

Were you looking for someone?

As I watched you go

I am mad because I don't know what you used me for.” — America land of the free right? I’m seriously ready to move to Canada.

10. Raleigh Ritchie - The Greatest | “We'll be dancing forever, we don't know any better

We're lazy, whatever, at least we stick together

We're the greatest, I mean it, we'll never be defeated

You can take us or leave us, we don't care if you believe us, leave us

One drink, two drink, we're young, we're stupid

Who the fuck knows what they're doing?

Life is boring, and we can barely afford it.” — I’m living how I choose...no one can tell me how. I’m still figuring it out.

11. Bad Suns - Salt | “Look in the mirror and tell me

What it is like to be free

How do I grasp reality

When I don't have an identity?

Who, who can I look to?

Cause I'm not like you, you.” — I always felt like I was different from everybody else.

12. London Grammar - Strong (US radio edit) | “Excuse me for a while

While I'm wide-eyed

And I'm so down caught in the middle

I've excused you for a while

While I'm wide-eyed

And I'm so down caught in the middle

And a lion, a lion, roars would you not listen?

If a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?

Yeah, I might seem so strong.” — I remember the first time I discovered this band. My eyes are pretty wide when I’m not laughing but this song basically means to me that I’m used to appearing so strong by remaining silent when I’m really losing my shit unbeknownst to others. I want to be in a healthy mental state this year but I’m unsure but I know I’m human and will have my moments.

13. Sza - Go Gina | “I've been on the low key grinding

(Grinding, grinding, grinding)

Learning on the low key, shining

Tryin' to keep to myself

But you bring me out of character

Every time again.” — that’s what I’ve been doing as of 2017 keeping to myself especially from my friends. Whose gonna bring me out of that this year?

14. Jay Park - Me like Yuh | — lol since I hit text limit all I can do is laugh. Another song about me being in the club?

[paulmccartneyofficial]

for the ask thing: 1-150 🙂

ok charlie let’s fuckin go

here they ALL are

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

something tells me its steve rogers boy………

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing lmao

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

christine this summer :-)

4. Are you easy to get along with?

for the most part, but sometimes I Get In A Mood™

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhhhh i dont really like anyone right now?? um. the last person i liked, possibly, since that’s what i did for him. but uh. the only person i fancy rn is like paul or rumours lindsey and like paul would definitely take care of me but if im drunk and with rumours lindsey then that means lindsey is also drunk and there’s no hope left for either of us

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

k personality wise, christine says im attracted to “bad boys” which like is probably true??? idk. often artsy and aesthetically pleasing peeps ?? i dont knwo

LOOKS wise, my sister in law has pointed out that every guy i have liked has a square-ish face and has dark features and often times blue eyes, but not always. see: lindsey and sebastian stan. so i guess i have a type ????? lol

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not lmao i dont have time 4 that

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

uh…………..sorry but its lindsey buckingham :/

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

not really no lol just uh. nonconsensual sex makes me uncomfortable lmao

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@stevieselectricskillet

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“me: pretends i’m not paul mccartney trash anymore”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

oohh. uh. stockholm syndrome by one direction, stephanie by buckingham nicks, go insane (live in 1997) by lindsey buckingham, hold me by fleetwood mac, bright by zayn

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i fucking love it

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes yes yes

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i literally went the entire summer without smoking weed once after smoking like every day of senior year lmao

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

of course?? im not an idiot

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

we actually reconnected over the summer after like 14 years of no communication but we’re both very different now so we don’t really talk anymore

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i live for them

20. Do you like your neighbors?

yes! i love them all. they make coming home from school wonderful

and as for at school, i only hang out with my neighbors p much

21. What are you bad habits?

i pull out my hair unfortunately. sometimes i’ll pick at my nails if they’ve chip on their own.

22. Where would you like to travel?

england, italy, montreal, los angeles, ireland, lebanon, scotland, ancient greece, turks and caicos, the bahamas, hawaii (solely for the set of lost and jurassic park), and wherever hobbiton is

23. Do you have trust issues?

half of my anxiety is a result from trust issues so ya lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

my hour long shower that i take because i’m living at school and i am allowed to use as much hot water as i want

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

double chin! :)

26. What do you do when you wake up?

check my phone/send snap streaks out/put on whatever song is stuck in my head when i wake up

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i really don’t care about my skin color why is this a question

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

a few people. mary, lexi, and amanda, mostly.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

unfortunately……..

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

its currently in one

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhhh…….. i’m not the threesome type .… . if i had to choose two celebs for that particular situation tho, then harry s. and zayn, hands down.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

ww2gffg (egg) / kaeskiu (kaeli)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play baseball, but i don’t anymore. however, i, too, boogieboard, like lindsey buckingham does. disclaimer: i have been doing this sport since i was a small kid, thus, i have been doing it longer than i have known about lindsey buckingham. i truly wish we did not have this in common

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv hands down im not dumb

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

of course?? isn’t that part of life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i don’t say anything. i just embody an ellipses by crafting a particular look on my face with raised eyebrows and unamused eyes. if nothing comes of it, then i usually let out a sigh and look off to the side like a dramatic bitch. i am a kim k gif

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

the main male character of my book is sort of my dream guy so there’s that.

he’s got a knack for aestheticism through artistic values, ambition and true passion in the work he does. he’s very sarcastic and funny, yet somehow still sweet with it. wouldn’t hurt a fly. hates trump’s guts and understands that feminism isn’t about him. has his privilege in check. he and i understand each other in a bond that no one else has with us. it is good. it is sweet. i am in a constant state of awe and shock of how in love with him i am. im even continuously falling for him more and more every day.

it is good and we are happy and we know each other better than anyone else.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

lush

40. What do you want to do after high school?

i am out of high school and chillin in college my friends. im gonna do some art

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

always. if they can recognize their flaws and truly try to work at them, then yes. they deserve a second chance.

there is always more light for us to see.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im either extremely depressed or just salty

43. Do you smile at strangers?

yes, all the time. i believe that a simple smile from anyone can sometimes be enough to change someone’s day.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

either the state of my hair, my bladder, or my stomach.

46. What are you paranoid about?

being secretly hated.

47. Have you ever been high?

yes, too many times

48. Have you ever been drunk?

ya about 9 hours ago to be exact

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

honestly i fuck up so often that ya, i probably have

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

black??? i think? wow. i am now realizing that i’ve actually #MovedOn from the hoodie life. tragic

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

i am in a constant state of wishing i were stevie nicks

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i really wish i had bigger hands so i could play a normal sized guitar

53. Favourite makeup brand?

um im cheap i thought sephora was a brand for like 2 years so that one time i think cover girl had a star wars line?? that was cool i own a few of those lipsticks

54. Favourite store?

its still lush

55. Favourite blog?

@lindseybuckingham

56. Favourite colour?

yellow

57. Favourite food?

ravioli

58. Last thing you ate?

a granola bar i think

59. First thing you ate this morning?

i pulled an all nighter its now 6:30 in the morning and i have yet to eat

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i’ve gotten gold at a few jazz band and chorus competitions and then one time my DI team won our districts competition but only by default

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

hahahaha i was suspended senior year for leaving school early with two of my gal pals to get breakfast at our favorite breakfast joint. we were supposed to have at-home suspension, but our drama club show was that weekend, which meant we’d be kicked out of the show last minute. i look about 12 years old and i have doe eyes with long eye lashes. i cried my way out of that shit and saved both of my two gal pals in doing so, too.

we ended up all having in-school suspension with each other. so essentially, they locked me and my two friends in a room for an entire school day. we could do whatever we wanted.

we actually ended up acting out the entirety of the play, antigone, for our teacher that stayed with us. and then we wrote a song about a turkey named dave.

it was actually one of the best days of my high school career.

62. Been arrested? For what?

no but i cried one time when a police officer pulled me over for having a tail light out.

63. Ever been in love?

unfortunately, yes.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

i was a freshman. his name was alex and he was older than me and he really liked me and he was pretty cool and easy to talk to and stuff but also. he was greasy and did nothing with his life at the time. haha. and then one day, he and his friend, who also liked me, both separately asked me what class i had last. it was history. alex showed up at the door first, and he took my hand. the other boy showed up and was like “oh”. then i kinda just shrugged to his friend and we left him there. i felt like i was on the bachelorette.

then he walked me to my bus and just kissed me. and like we never officially said it but i guess we were dating from that point on?

it was quite exciting at the time.

65. Are you hungry right now?

no i took a medication that sort of ceases hunger.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

woah. uh. well some of my real friends are also on tumblr which is cool.

its kind of a weird question. i love them all equally? just in different ways. my real life friends are all people that i hang around constantly. i have deep conversations with them. i do crazy things with them. i love them.

my tumblr friends, however, are all a gift. there’s more of a set bond with them; we’re all friends not because we see each other all the time, but because we all have common interests and similar personalities.

tumblr friends are actually pretty cool. if you can maintain a friendship like that through long distance, then it’s gotta mean something pretty big, right?

i text and communicate with my tumblr friends a lot more than my real life friends, actually. if i’m on my phone when hanging out with my friends, i can guarantee you i’m texting my tumblr friends.

it’s pretty sweet.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter because no one in my family has one except my brother who i tell everything to

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr, obviously.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no, i’m making this long ass post.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

irl: mary, lexi, amanda, my sister christine, my brother steven, my sister-to-be jenna, chris, cammi, jack.

tumblr: kate, emilie, ryan, charlie, lola, brooke, james, sophie, ken, erin, pickles, luki, kimber.

71. Craving something? What?

wine

72. What colour are your towels?

grey. all of them. at home, they’re tan.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

three normal pillows, one pillow pet, and one angry emoji pillow that i made and now hug because i’m a lonely fuck

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i have one chewie plush thing and an old bruins bear that i often kick off my bed back at home.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

those are the only 2 i think

although i currently have the marsh hall monkey from community council that was given to me for one week and i’ve had it for like 3 months because i haven’t bothered to pass it on to someone

75. Favourite animal?

i am a kitty lover

76. What colour is your underwear?

yellow :~)

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

java crunch (its coffee ice cream with chocolate covered coffee beans)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

its a black jonas brothers shirt that i got when i was 10. i am often found wearing this shirt

80. What colour pants?

grey sweatpants

81. Favourite tv show?

friends

82. Favourite movie?

i will always be star wars trash

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls ??? if u favor mean girls 2, then ur a sinner

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls, obviously. im not a heathen

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

regina’s mom

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

crush

87. First person you talked to today?

amanda, probably

88. Last person you talked to today?

u, charlie

89. Name a person you hate?

eric clapton or liam. i can’t decide

90. Name a person you love?

my birth mother because she is one of the strongest people i know. honest to god, there is not a single person on this planet that i am more proud of than her.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

myself

92. In a fight with someone?

the boy i Once Loved™

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

way too many, my friend

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

also way too many. like, at least 5

95. Last movie you watched?

…….new moon…….

96. Favourite actress?

carrie fisher

97. Favourite actor?

robert downey jr.

98. Do you tan a lot?

like go to a tanning salon? no. i’m broke. and i wouldn’t waste my money on that anyway.

in a general sense? yes. i tan very easily. my genes are very kind to me in that i don’t burn when i go out in the sun. except for my nose. :/

99. Have any pets?

i have a little calico kitty named beanie and she is my light.

100. How are you feeling?

well, given that i haven’t slept in 19 hours, i’d say pretty good.

101. Do you type fast?

apparently i type extremely fast and it blows a lot of people away

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

oh, honey. don’t we all?

103. Can you spell well?

yes, but i always have those moments where i second guess myself or have a brain fart on a very common word.

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

i miss my old best friend, freddy, more than ever now. i haven’t seen him since graduation last year, which isn’t that long, but it’s long enough. he and i were like brother and sister in elementary school and even now. he’s the kind of friend that i have gone years without talking to, but then the moment we finally speak to one another, it’s like nothing ever happened.

he and i were both accepting of each other and supportive of each other in some of the hardest times of our lives. when the other kids bullied him for playing with polly pockets on the playground, i joined him in playing with them. we were inseparable from then on. when my mother came out to me and my parents divorced, he was the one i talked to. when he was coming to terms with his sexuality and discovering who he was as a person, i was always the person he was fully open with.

and after drifting away and not talking to each other for a few years, i went to him after being assaulted. i told him everything. and he believed me–he was the one who listened when i felt like no one else was. he offered me that shoulder. he understood and was there with me, through thick and thin.

and at the end of our senior year, through many tears, we said our goodbyes.

i’ve never felt more empty without someone ever.

(p.s. this made me just text him) 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

yes ofc haha

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

……ya don’t drag me tho. u woulda too

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

a long time ago, yes

108. What should you be doing?

i legit should be asleep and i’m not……

109. Is something irritating you right now?

there’s a sore pain in my left shoulder–probably from knots in the muscle. i can’t do much about it.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

ohhhh, boy. yes.

111. Do you have trust issues?

wasn’t this at the beginning

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

amanda that one time we watched that video of stevie and lindsey crying while performing “say goodbye”

113. What was your childhood nickname?

KP, KP Duty, Kales

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah thank god

115. Do you play the Wii?

i don’t own one, but when the opportunity presents itself for mariokart or just dance, i’m there

116. Are you listening to music right now?

ya, hey girl by lady gaga ft. florence is on rn

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

i don’t eat chicken

118. Do you like Chinese food?

chinese food makes me feel bloated and gassy and it smells that way too even though it smells good so i’ll probably have to decline and say no, i do not really care for it

119. Favourite book?

harry potter and y&b

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

it depends on how dark it is and if im alone or not

121. Are you mean?

everyone’s a little mean

122. Is cheating ever okay?

cheating is wrong, always. but if an instance happens where someone kisses another individual spontaneously, they have two ways they can clear themselves up from it: don’t do it again and tell your partner that it happened. do not get upset if they’re not happy with you/leave you, because you’ve done them wrong. or, if you’ve done it with an individual that you have fallen or are already in love with, then you should leave your partner immediately.

sleeping with someone is not okay. if you have sex with someone else, then you should tell your partner and don’t get mad when they leave you. if you love the other person, then leave your partner for them.

and always tell the truth.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

someone asked me this today, actually. bizarre. i’d like to think so. i don’t go through huge measures to keep them clean–i just don’t drag them in the dirt.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yes. of course.

125. Do you believe in true love?

yes. you can fall in love with people. you can always be happily in love multiple times in your life. a true love, however, is the one that meant the most.

paul mccartney? he’s married, but his true love was linda. lindsey buckingham? he’s also married, but his true love is stevie and even he does not deny that. stevie nicks? she’ll deny it all she wants, but we all know, including herself and lindsey, that lindsey is also her true love. troy and gabriella? we all know the answer.

true love is real.

126. Are you currently bored?

clearly since i’ve spent like. three hours working on this jesus fuck

127. What makes you happy?

music, people, family, and life.

128. Would you change your name?

i love my name. it was my mother’s gift to me when she brought me into this little world. i am blessed to have a mother that i love so much and that loves me so much. when i think it, i think of her and her silly story of how she came up with it. i identify with it strongly for this reason–it is a constant connection to my mother.

the only thing i’m actually planning is to add the middle name “jane”, as my mother has always calls me by “kaeli jane”. she wishes she thought of that before she named me, as she loves it so much more now.

129. What your zodiac sign?

capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

this is so vague. the restaurant? the transportation?

i’m don’t particularly care for either one. mixed feelings.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TE_Ys4iwM

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

this is another repeat

@stevieselectricskillet

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

And he was just like a great dark wingWithin the wings of a stormI think I had met my match

He was singing and undoing the laces

134. Can you count to one million?

what kind of question is this

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

any post with mclennon that i make is a dumb ass lie

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5 feet tall :/

138. Curly or Straight hair?

my hair is normally straight but sometimes some of the front strands just naturally have banana curls and i don’t understand how it happens but also im not complaining

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette my friend

140. Summer or Winter?

i always used to say winter and then winter always comes and i always want to die so summer

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

december because im narcissistic and love my birthday month the best

september is also a good month. lots of good songs about it and also a very lucky month for me in the past

143. Are you a vegetarian?

i only eat turkey when i have to eat meats (i.e. being home with my parents for a week, when the vegetarian options at my school are heavily cream based, as i am lactose intolerant, etc.) but i typically choose not to eat meat

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee in the morning and tea at night

146. Was today a good day?

sure, i suppose

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“I take back like half of the exclamation points.....they make me look....eager to please. Which I AM....but I don’t want anyone to KNOW that” - Carrie Fisher

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes omg

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“The months March, April, May, June, and July should not be abbreviated when used to indicate a specific date.”