#7.29.2020

[kyrenrayne69]

7.29.2020, 9:36pm

Random little thing.

One thing I talk about alot on here is my weight and my eating disorder because I obsess over them irl. I really just wanted to talk about this, despite having just posted a regular update.

So like I’ve said before, I am not skinny. I hate the way I look and wish I were skinnier. However, I am currently at a weight lower than I have ever been (besides as a child obviously).

I covered my face in both pictures which takes away some of the noticeable differences, but this is me wearing the same outfit not quite a year apart.

Since the picture on the left (August 2019), I have lost nearly 25 lbs (shown in the picture on the right). Plus I had previously dropped an additional 15 lbs in the 6 months prior to that August.

Like I said, it’s not that noticeable because I was incredibly overweight to begin with, but the changes are definitely there. If you could see my face, my cheeks and chin have definitely thinned out. It may not be noticeable in the pictures, but my arms have also gotten skinnier, now showing shape and bone through the fat. You can see how loose the shirt has gotten on me since last year though (as it doesn’t cling to my chest/stomach as it used to, and the arms and neck are much larger/looser now- this shirt used to actually be a little tight on me tbh), and that’s definitely good.

I asked my sister about it and she said I look more tired now (lol), but that she thinks I’m happier and that I seem to have grown into myself.

I’m definitely not happy with myself (though I am always tired lol), but I do feel better weighing less than I’ve used to. I hope to be able to reach my weight goal eventually, and be able to overcome my stupid eating disorder (though now that y’all have seen me, you may understand why I don’t like to call my bulimia an eating disorder since I’m not also anorexic).

Anyway, that’s that. I just felt like sharing this pic as an update for my future self to look back on.

[phukao]

jimmy karn // 7.29.2020

[dailycandicekpatton]

via Candice Patton Instagram Story

Arrest The Cops Who Killed Breonna Taylor

7.29.2020

[dasaka]

“Like mother like daughter.” // 7.29.2020

[alltoooooowell]

Cara Delevingne Instagram Story 7.29.2020

[eloquentlykristie]

7.29.2020 // It is a really gloomy day here. It was nice and sunny this morning for an early run and workout, followed by breakfast and working in the garden. An hour ago the storm rolled in, so I couldn’t read outside. I have a desk in the basement, but it is just too chilly for me down there. I also have the morning off from patient care, which is why I’m still home.

[bey-life]

Beyoncé updates her Instagram - 7.29.2020

[thepluralist]

7.29.2020

[mini-moongi]

Notification [REVAMPED] || masterlist.

series status: ongoing

last updated: 7.29.2020

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

[vulpesmellifera]

WIP Wednesday: 7.29.2020

It’s all good fic news here.

Mystrade

Taking Flight: 

19/48 chapters posted.

I’ve edited all the way to chapter 46! Once I edit the remaining chapters, I will start posting twice weekly.

Among the Roses:

Posted 3/6 chapters!

The Ghost in the Graphite:

GOOD NEWS. I have finished!!! It’s currently 23 chapters and 67k!!!

The plan is to go back over it and tie up some loose threads, and then let it sit for a month before I look at it with fresh eyes.

Johnlock

The Pull of You:

I have edited all eight chapters on the hard copy.

I input changes into the first chapter. 

The middle two chapters ARE SUCH A MESS. Oh my, I’ll be reworking those things and I’m both disgruntled and oddly excited about it. DAMN YOU.

Johnlock Halloween Story:

Haven’t named it yet.

It is entirely outlined. I am super excited to begin! 

I will begin in the first week of August.

Hannigram

The Thing in the House:

I finished outlining this Fright Night-inspired AU!

I plan to write it after writing the Johnlock Halloween Story.

I don’t know if anyone knows this, but I LOVE Halloween.

A Selection from The Pull of You:

“No,” Sherlock said as he quietly, carefully closed the manila file. His eyes locked on his lap, his hands still and pale.

“You owe at least one, Sherlock. The last mission wasn’t finished,” Mycroft said. 

John despised that condescending sneer on his face as he leaned forward - sitting in John’s chair - with his nose like the beak of a bird. Perhaps the man was a vulture himself when it came to Sherlock, a scavenger at the door, straddling the lines between life and death like a handmaiden of Hades.

“I can’t,” Sherlock said, and John didn’t miss the flicker of his eyelids as he glanced at John and back down. Mycroft likely didn’t miss it, either. 

“You’ve signed - “

“So has he,” Sherlock murmured. 

Mycroft drew up. Sherlock’s gaze followed, and John waited as the two of them battled in that quiet flurry of micro-movements on their faces. He checked his watch. It was at least two minutes before Sherlock handed the file back to Mycroft, who placed it in his briefcase.

“I will expect you at the rendezvous,” he said as he stood, brolly in one hand and briefcase in the other. “Tomorrow.”

-----

I wish all you the best in your every day: lots of love, lots of comfort, and lots of self-care.

Cheers,

Vulpes

[kyrenrayne69]

7.29.2020, 8:48pm

So I was supposed to work closing today, but my manager asked me to come in and work all day instead, so I did. It was only a seven hour shift today, and I never mind working anyway, so it was no big deal. Well, since I worked a full day, we’re required to take a lunch break. I usually only eat once a day, so any time I have a lunch break, it’s kind of automatically bad for me.

Usually what I do is go to the dollar store next to where I work and just get a bag of raisins/nuts, a bottle of water, and a pack of gun. As usual, I have no self control, so today I got that as well as a small bag of chips. Despite feeling full about halfway through the bag of trail mix and knowing full well I was going to feel sick after my break, I ate all of the trail mix and the whole bag of chips. Here’s where things get fun. Normally after I eat lunch, no matter how little I eat or what I eat, I get a headache and have acid reflux.

Well today, along with my usual not-feeling-well-ness, I started having an awful feeling in my chest. Normally when my chest hurts, it’s the right side and caused by muscle pain/anxiety. But today it was more so the left/center of my chest. I suffered through the rest of the four hours of my shift, even having to run out to my car to get some medicine to make it through the day.

The pain would go away and come back randomly throughout my shift. After we closed, I went and ran two quick errands, the feeling in my chest still bothering me. Even when I got home, I was just feeling awful.

The thing about this feeling in my chest is that I’m not quite sure how to explain it besides that it just makes me feel ‘not right’, Like it’s not so much a pain, but just a weird feeling. And I’m sure the fact that I’m worried about it is causing me to be anxious and making things all the more worse. I off and on feel like I’m going to throw up or start crying. It’s bizarre.

I took a xanax when I got home and had a bit to eat. I didn’t make myself throw up today because my dad insisted that’s what was causing it. I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but occassionally the sensation comes back. Like even now I have that discomfort in my chest. I just wanted to get this out, so that I’ll have it for reference later if need be.

I’m about to go lay down and play switch or watch tv. I know it’s lazy and I hate that feeling, but I’m hoping calling it an early night will help me get over this and I’ll feel better in the morning.

Quick side note though- I don’t think it’s covid or anything. Like it’s not a lung/chest discomfort that I would associate with coughing or anything. I’m pretty sure it’s just my muscles, anxiety, and heart.

[phukao]

AoftionDMD’s twitter update 7.29.2020

[dailycandicekpatton]

via Candice Patton Instagram Story

Black women dealing w/trauma & suffering: *asks for support*

Society: “you’re so strong”

Black women: *continues to deal with trauma & suffering alone*

7.29.2020

[violet-silver-fox]

7.29.2020

Breakfast: ItWorks Supergreens shake, supplements

Lunch: water, handful of pistachio nuts, one piece of dark chocolate

Supper: 6" flat bread turkey-ham-bacon sub, 3 m&m cookies, cherry coke, oreo mcflurry

[fightingforthinsanity]

7.29.2020 Food Log

Breakfast: coffee and creamer (112), blueberries and frozen Greek yogurt (62)

Lunch: Starbucks cloud macchiato (180)

Dinner: vegan sausage stir fry (313)

I’ve eaten about 2/3 of my dinner and I would really like to have the rest /deserve to have the rest since I burned 358cals running/walking.... but my stupid brain doesn’t agree that I should eat any more 😩😒. Fuck having an ED, I just wanna enjoy the food I make.

[paper-teeth]

7.29.2020

Another day, another life update.

I think things are going okay, but not great. What a surprise. It seems like I only ever come to update here when I think things are going downhill. Sorry for being such a downer lol.

On the boy front, things have definitely settled down since my last posts and I’ve come to accept and move on from his past. It was difficult for a while, but I think things are better in some ways. I’ve opened up more about my discomfort with sex and sexual topics and he’s almost completely dropped the topic since. I’m not totally okay with him leaving the responsibility of sex just to me because I do think it’s something I need to work on. I can’t be afraid of sex or make him feel bad forever. I need to start slowly, but I appreciate that he cares.

I’m not sure how boys are, but they seem always needy and I just can’t keep up. I feel dirty when I try to keep up. 

I’m such a people pleaser and I’m trying to change my mentality.

I feel like our communication was going really well for a few months into quarentine, but lately it’s been a little strained. It seems like we don’t say much to each other besides just “I miss you” and “what are you working on”. Things just seem shallow. WE don’t even have “ I had X thought about you” anymore since we don’t talk about sexy things. I don’t know what’s happening, are we just that boring? 

I feel like one day I’m just going to crack and break things off because I’m just manipulative and paranoid he’ll lose interest in me. Maybe he’ll find some other girl who actually wants to fuck while I’m not there. I hate this thought, because he’s said to me he’d give up anything for me. There’s a part of me that just wants to get away but I don’t want to lose something so good. I feel too young to just stay here, and let this be the end.

On a second note, I’ve been going through a need to self-improve. This has taken the form of me picking up new hobbies like gardening (my sweet potato is growing nicely), alterations, zero-waste changes, decluttering, and baking. I’ve gained a lot of new skills and happiness during this quarantine. However, I can’t fail to mention my desire to finally get fit.

Physically, I know I look decent. I’m not super skinny at 5′7″ and 145 lbs, but it’s never changed much. I’ve been this weight since high school (with  a small jump to 160 at one point) and I’ve never known any different. My stomach has never been flat, not even as a child, and my thighs have never been skinny. I guess my insecurities about my body have always been there, but they definitely started bugging me in middle school. I was surrounded by all these pretty white athletic skinny girls with long hair that I didn’t look like. Sure, they were my friends and I was never bullied, but no matter how nice or smart I was I would never be pretty and athletic on top of that.

In high school, I mostly forgot about my weight because I was surrounded by people of all sizes and I felt pretty good about myself. I’d had a few potential boy encounters which served as a confidence boost and I was generally too busy to care about what I ate. Dieting was not a thing to me. However, one comment really stuck to me: I was thick. My sort of boyfriend said that to me as a positive, trying to be a compliment, but it caught me off guard because I had never seen myself like that. I wanted to be skinny and pretty like every other girl and I tried so hard to convince him that I was NOT thick or thicc or any sort of curvy. 

Later on in my freshman year of college I’d come to accept my body shape a little more, but I still didn’t consider myself very curvy. Then I started to get close to the toxic boy (not my current boyfriend, to clarify) I’ve mentioned previously. He’s super tall and built like a bean, so obviously I looked even curvier next to him. Among other things, one comment he made when he wrapped his arms around my waist was that I was “surprisingly thick”.

What. The. Fuck. 

It was another person validating the same perception of me as big. I hated it and my body and especially coming from him. It made me want to crawl out of my skin and tear myself to pieces. I felt disgusting.

It took me another year to forget about the pain he caused and to start loving my body again, but that was mostly through parties, another boy, drama, and alcohol. I just wanted to be a drunk sexy girl at a party with a boy in the palm of her hand. If that meant showing off some curves than so be it. I think this is when my high-waisted bottoms phase really started to kick in and I embraced my curves. I’d also gained a few pounds after freshman year and was at my heaviest at 160 lbs. I felt and looked disgusting. 

It wasn’t until later in the semester when I got busy working on projects in the wood shop that I started to lose weight from skipping meals. I wasn’t intentionally restricting, but I was busy and stressed and sweating 8 hours a day. I would eat just coffee, overnight oats, a banana, and some tuna and kale sandwiches if I was lucky. I was also running to grab a break menu Mcdonald’s meal if I hadn’t eaten anything all day to stop myself from starving. I really didn't notice how much weight I’d lost until people started commenting that I looked skinnier and my clothes looked better. I was about 150 lbs.

I lost another few pounds in the spring of 2019 from the same habits and actually squeezed into a pair of pants I hadn’t worn since middle school. I felt on top of the world at my skinniest around 145 lbs. I was unhealthy, tired, sleep-deprived,and stressed and food had honestly been an afterthought.

For a while, my boyfriend made me feel better about my curves and he said he loved them. Then he revealed that the first time he really noticed, he was surprised that I was thick.

He was surprised I had an ass when I bent down to grab papers. He loved being with a bigger girl, unlike his skinny girlfriends in the past.

Thaaaaaanks. 

I’ve been feeling like such a fat girl since then ( with good and bad days) and when I say that I want to be skinny or lose weight, he just says that he likes me bigger which doesn’t help at all. There’s been enough people now commenting about it that I can’t brush it off or ignore it anymore. I’m big and I jiggle and clothes don’t always look good on me. I don’t fit into the category of “slim” I’m just thick.

I’ve been feeling so disgusting lately. My friend brought up that her doctor thinks she might have binge eating disorder and I’ve fallen right back into my obsession for ed social media. I hadn’t realized, but I’ve always found so much comfort in these hurtful posts since middle school when I first started looking into it. I’ve never done any of the restricting, but I always admired the pretty girls that were posted. Haha, maybe I’m just bisexual and not jealous. 

I want to be skinny and fit and I saw a lot of progress after working out april through june. I don’t want to admit it, but I’m finding myself sucked further and further into the ed community and counting calories and needing to burn every carb I eat. I don’t want to be the thick girl anymore and the only thing I’ve never tackled have been my eating habits. 

Am I on the right path? No. Does it hurt? yes. Am I going to do it? ...I’ll probably just fail at this too.

xoxo your local thicc girl