#45daytransformationchallenge

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Eight

**Thursday**

I woke up before my alarm or right at my first alarm today. Man I am not used to that anymore. I normally sleep through at least 3. I mean I laid in bed for like 3 or 4 but I still got up and moving quick.

I had a kicker of a workout. I got some aggression out and frustrations out and barely stopped today during the bag rounds. Things in my past do not define my future, how I handle them does. I am moving on and moving up. Kickboxing has helped me with my anger/frustrations and just moods in general. I am grateful for that night that I laid in bed looking all over Groupon trying to find something fun to do and came across their page. I am so grateful for the experience that it has brought me in the less than 2 months that I have been a member. It is hard to look at it and see how much I have really changed since I started. I feel better and happier.

After class though things got serious. I told one of my instructors a vague description about what happened at work and he told me a sorta similar story. All walks of life can experience the same things. We had a therapy session post workout where we all talked about getting on anxiety medication and how our minds work and all that. I don’t want to get into details cause it wasn’t all me talking. It was so refreshing though to see a few people that are so different from me be in a similar situation.

I tried this drink called Fitaid. It tastes like Emergen-C. It was good though. I didn’t realize it had caffeine in it. It definitely kept me up all day. I was yawning but didn’t drink my Amin.o Energy at all!

I am having a hard time right now. I haven’t lost any weight just yet. In fact I gained a couple pounds back. I don’t know why but I am guessing it is because I haven’t been drinking as much water. I barely had 30oz each day. Not going well. I need to learn from my own mistakes! 

I plan on attending more classes this next week which means I need to drink more water this weekend. UGH It is oddly hard to drink water...it’s easier when I drink it from my Hydroflask though. I think because I just suck down the water and don't know how much I am drinking until it is out.

It was a tough night. I was running all over the dock. There was freight everywhere!!! I hope I can recover it all before too long tomorrow. I know it’s Friday so everything is either going to be there early or late...as much as I want it to be late I want it to be early so I can wrap things up at the end of the shift.

There were lots of rumors floating around yesterday. We will see what happens. I am not hoping for anything specific. I am not holding my breath. I am going to wait and hear it straight from the source. 

I didn’t enjoy the teriyaki bowl as much. I think I might need to play with the recipe a little and find some teriyaki sauce that is healthy. Oh well. Until Tomorrow!

Good Afternoon World!

[lemonsandgodzilla]

I've decided to take pics every 45 days for a consistent progression of my transformation. I should be able to get 8 rounds in by the end of the year. #ilkbakron #muscleupbuttercup #45daytransformationchallenge #GettinBunsHun #🥊

[ilovekickboxingeastchester]

via Instagram

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Six and Thirty-Seven

**Tuesday**

I weighed in today. If the 45 day challenge had started when I signed up I would be at 22.4lbs lost. Last week was tough cause I wasn’t seeing any change but that was because I was on Kangaroo Week. I literally had to remind myself every day that my weight wasn’t going down because of the week. But at least I wasn’t going up!

When I started on August 5th, 2017 I weighed in at 264lbs. I set a 6 month goal for 200lbs.  A little over 10lbs a Month. At 45 days, 1 Month and 14 days, I have lost 22.4lbs with 44.6lbs left to go. I am a third of the way there. I can do this. Apparently on my App, Measure Up, I started doing my measurements on 8/18. Since that date I have lost 12.2lbs, and lost 7.25″ over my entire Body. This is counting my true waist not my gut that is above my belly button. I have a natural high waist.

The workout was really good today. I was able to do more real burpees which is a good feeling...I mean when I got back up from the plank I often had to do two scoots into the squat position but that is better than the stepping in and out. I did end up doing that at the end though. Just to be safe. My knee was hurting a little after class. Not as bad as Saturday when I forgot to tape it though.

After I got home I finished up my meal preps making 4 Chicken Burrito Bowls. If I like it I’ll make more next week.

I made a step in the right direction at work I think. It was a painful step but a much needed step. Now just to see if anything is resolved by it. I wish it was easier. I wish I hadn’t held my tongue. I wish I had guts. I wish I would have listened. I could go on and on with ‘I Wish’ for now I need to look at it as it is out of my hands and will be taken care of one way or another. If it doesn’t stop I will speak to someone again.

I have a great support system that I didn’t realize I had. I have two amazing coworkers that have my back and are encouraging me to come forward. I have a Gym that makes me feel good about the things I do. I have a family that supports my decisions. I feel like since Day One I have slowly begun feeling better about myself because the Anxiety has calmed down. I don’t let things bother me as much anymore, if they do bother me I express my feelings about them. I don’t hold things in. I don’t seem to dwell on anything for too long anymore. I love it. I think getting on the medication was the right step to getting me on the right path and once that path straightens out and isn’t curved or covered in leaves I am hoping I will be able to come off this medication.

I am glad I made the choice to get on it. I did end up crying a few times today...but that was to be expected given the topic my tears were formed in. I wasn’t expecting it but they needed to be shed. If I find out that all is okay I might share a few details on here but just like I haven’t gotten into my past on here I am not going to get into the gory details on here. It probably isn’t as bad as you might think reading this though.

If you are reading this though I hope you will keep me in your prayers that the truth will come out and that the right thing will happen...whatever that might be, I must accept that this is no longer in my hands.

The Serenity Prayer is always something that has stuck with me since I moved back down to Portland. I know a lot of Addiction places use it but it is great for my over thinking/anxiety and just mind in general.

**Wednesday**

Woke up early. Fell back asleep and only woke up because my door was open. I fell asleep with the light on but was so cold I cocooned myself into my bed and passed back out. I hadn’t set my alarms so I wouldn’t have woken up.

I got up. Got Moving and headed to work after making my lunch. I enjoyed the Chicken Burrito Bowl yesterday and had it again tonight. I will see if I like the Teriyaki Chicken Bowl tomorrow. It got really cold really fast here. Super hot one day to chilly shivering the next. No offense Kara but I am glad I work Friday Nights and can’t come to the game. I’d be an Icicle!

My support system at work is still functioning. Had to go through a little more info today which wasn’t fun. I didn’t realize how much of that I was holding in until I wrote it all down. You would think I would have learned from doing this. This helps me get everything out and not hold onto it. I think when I am ashamed or embarrassed I tend to hold it in still. At least I have one person I am not afraid to tell everything to. I am grateful for him.

With everything at work I haven’t had a chance to sit down and change all my bills at work. I hope I can get to them tomorrow. I have been listening to a lot of Rachel Platten I can’t explain it but I love her music it just makes everything better. That and Explosions in the Sky. Both make it better!

Work felt pretty busy and although I was on edge the whole night I still got a lot done. We will see how that effects my work come Friday. I hope I didn’t do too terribly. At least my boss knows what happened that is making this week different. You can get through anything. Nothing can hold you down. There is always another second, another minute, another hour, another day. There is always something to look forward to.

I took lunch really late because I was trying to get as much done as I could. I ended up getting back from lunch half an hour before I was supposed to be heading home.

It was such a busy day. I know I won’t be close to my recovery last week but I hope I can get somewhat close. At least 2/3rds what I got last week would be great.

I guess we will have to wait and see. Until Tomorrow!

Good Afternoon World!

[lemonsandgodzilla]

Okkkkkkk... I wasn't sure if I was going to post these before/after pics .. I don't show a lot of movement on my measurements. I started looking a bit closer tho & I placed a tiny teal dot on each area I could see improvement. I still have a long way to go & I probably won't win that 20k .. 🤷‍♀️💕🤗 .. #thisisme #real #muscleupbuttercup #feelingcourageous #postingpics #45daytransformationchallenge #ilkbakron #ilkb #doitforjudy ... I'm excited for this comparison in another few months 💖 everybody starts somewhere ..

[lemonsandgodzilla]

#countdown to the end of the #ilkb #45daytransformationchallenge .. & my shot at #20k ... #muscleupbuttercup #7days #🥊 #maxiumeffort

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Forty-Nine

**Monday**

Woke up. Taped up my knee and ankle today. Had a Chocolate Sea Salt RX Bar for Breakfast. Went to kickboxing.

On my way to kickboxing I was pulled over by a police officer because apparently I didn’t stop at a stop sign and according to this Police Officer, I didn’t even “think” about stopping.

1. I did stop, I stopped, looked to my left saw that the light was red at 174th and that the police car was in the right lane and a sedan in the left lane were stopped at the stop sign looked to might right and made sure there was no one walking along about to cross in front of me, quick look back to my left and turned. It may have only taken a few seconds to do all this but I do it ALL the time this way because I don’t want to get hit. (Besides, you would have had to pull off from the red light(before it turned green) and as I was turning to have pulled up behind me that quick. Not even a block before you stopped me and there weren’t any cars moving at that point. The sedan that was next to you at the light still hadn’t passed.)

2. Do NOT tell me what I am and am not thinking. You don’t know what I am thinking and so you have no right to make the assumption that I didn’t think about stopping.

3. You told me that normally because I was arguing with you that you would give me a ticket but not this time...I was not arguing with you, I was disagreeing with you. There is a difference and I am allowed to disagree with your opinion of my situation. If you had given me a ticket...I would have fought it. I wouldn’t have paid it. I would have wanted proof that you saw me not stop when I know I did.

4. My car may be in my mom’s name but you have no right to give me a dirty look because I don’t “own” the car. I make the payments, I pay for the insurance, My name is on my insurance card that you asked for. Don’t assume that it isn’t my responsibility just because it is in someone else’s name. You have no clue why it had to be taken out of my name.

I have a ton of respect for police officers don’t get me wrong but his attitude was way off. He was cocky and honestly I think he realized after he pulled me over that I did stop. I don’t know if they have the ability to rewind the tape from their car or not but I think he realized I did and just didn’t want to admit it. Plus, I know they have a job to do and are trying to keep people safe but just because I choose to disagree with you on my actions doesn’t mean I am arguing with you and you shouldn’t base whether you give someone a ticket on if they disagree with you. Everyone is entitled to their opinions.

Anyway. I got to class a minute or two late. Punched and kicked my annoyance out. Had a lot of fun with Jen as the instructor :) I am going for Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday Classes this week and resting up Thursday/Friday for the Warrior Dash Saturday!

After Class I headed home to enjoy my (supposed to be) delicious Protein Smoothie...it was awful. Truly disgusting. I ended up dumping it down the drain because I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even drink the amount that was in my mouth. I tried the second smoothie I had made...same deal. Awful. I made a Chocolate Whey Protein, PB2, and Vanilla Almond Milk Drink in my small shaker bottle and had that for my post workout instead.

Got ready for work ate an apple and headed out. I enjoyed a delicious Club Salad for Lunch, 2 Cups Iceberg Lettuce, 1 Cup Grape Tomatoes, 1 Slice Crumbled Bacon, 2 Slices Deli Turkey and 1 Tablespoon of Ranch because Mayo just didn’t sound good as a dressing. The tomatoes I am still getting used to eating. They aren’t my favorite but they aren’t awful either. Just a weird juicy squish.

Work was meh Kinda busy Kinda not. Friday was a big recovery day apparently. Still waiting to find out how much Friday was in total. While doing my inspection reports I ate a cup of grapes, a cup of carrots and later on after some inspections on the dock another apple.

I had the Teriyaki Chicken Bowl for lunch, I was disappointed. I thought I had grabbed the Chicken Burrito Bowl. I didn’t drink as much water as I had hopped. We will see how today goes. Only 1 Amin.o Energy today. Progress.

Another night without sleeping pills. Success.

Until Tomorrow?

Good Afternoon World!

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Forty-Five/Six/Seven and Forty-Eight

**Thursday**

**Friday**

Gonna do this different. Obviously I forgot to post and am sucking at this lately. I promise I will try to get better. Thursday is a complete blank. I know I went to the Gym Friday. I was sore. It was class 3 of 4 last week.

I was busy Friday. Workout, Shopping with a friend. Helping a friend putting stuff together followed by getting ready for work and working a long day. I went and got Coffee/Tea on my lunch. I didn’t realize they closed at 9. I arrived at 8:56 and was waiting in line while they completed the order in front of me. I loved my Peppermint tea. I like the Peppermint Green Tea though. I just didn’t want the caffeine.

**Saturday**

Woke up for the 10:15 Class. Came home. Did some laundry. Went and watched “It” the 1990′s version. Wasn’t scary at all. We also got some Pizza from Life of Pie. I liked the place on Sandy better but Life of Pie has goats nearby! :) We also got Nutella Ice Cream from “What’s the Scoop?” It was delicious! Plus a nice reward seeing as I had been having an emotional problem with everything. I was feeling discouraged because I haven’t lost and weight. But I have been going to a lot of classes and wanted a mini reward. I don’t know the last time prior to Saturday that I had Ice Cream.

**Sunday**

Woke up for Service. Got to church a little late. Was exhausted. Had service followed by Elections. Was re-elected as Publicist. Went to Costco. Picked up Water Bottles, RX Bars and Grapes...long line. Headed home made a grocery list and went to Albertsons for my groceries. Total I think I spent around 70-80$. Not bad for a weeks worth of stuff and some stuff that will last 2 weeks.

Had dinner, Meal Prepped and went to bed. I also made two smoothies that were repulsive when I tried to drink them this morning...(Monday) Need to find alternatives. Maybe I will check out Taralynn’s page. See if she has any good protein/whey smoothies!

Until Sometime?

Good Afternoon World!

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Forty-Four

**Wednesday**

I actually woke up after my first couple of alarms.. Very unlike me. Normally I sleep through most of my 6 alarms. I was wide awake. Drank my Amin.o Energy before class just to be safe.

Class was small. Only 4 people. It was good cause we got kinda one on one. It was a good workout. The warmup killed me. At the end we had partner drills, I was paired up with Kiel. He let me know I was hitting my hooks with the wrong part of my hand.

After working out I headed home and got ready for work. Work was busy and unbusy at the same time. It’s hard to read what it is going to be like.

The day seemed to go by pretty quickly and smoothly minus the fact that I forgot my keys at home. My work keys. I had to borrow someone’s key so I could get into my office and unlock the bathroom. Weird comment here. I am pretty sure it doesn’t belong to the other girl on the shift but When I was washing my hands I saw a pad in the bathroom garbage can. Is my family the only family that was taught to wrap those up?! I honestly think it belongs to someone else because this isn’t the first time I have come in there to use the restroom and there is just a big nasty pad in the trash and that was before the new girl started.

ANYWAY lol Ate my food. Did my stuff and life went on. I had two doses of Amin.o Energy. I was exhausted.

Went home and decided I am going to do the Warrior Dash next weekend. It will kill me and it will wear me out but it will be a ton of fun.

Alright. Complete honesty here. Lately I don’t know if it is because the scale is sticking around 240 or because of something else but I have been feeling hopeless. I have been feeling like there is no where to go. It can’t get better. I lost my edge. I can’t try hard enough. I can’t be good enough. I had no clue that Depression and Anxiety resulted in so much self-loathing. I mean seriously. I am grateful for my ilkb family because they are always so happy but it really just feels like I am putting on a mask for everyone. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel...anything. I also find that I am just trying to force myself to do things I would normally do. I am forcing myself to keep going to class. I am forcing myself to keep eating healthy. I am forcing myself to keep moving through out the day. I think that the depression and anxiety is why I am such a needy person. I want people to want me in their lives but I don’t believe I deserve such things. It is so terrible. I didn’t really get what that feeling was until I started being honest with how I was feeling and talking to my doctor about it. I am glad I know what is causing these thoughts in my head. It really is weird though...to see yourself and know you are having these feelings because of depression and anxiety.

Bright side...went to sleep without any medication. Until Tomorrow!

Good Afternoon World!

[ashley-smithline]

Day One Hundred and Thirty-Nine, Forty, Forty-One, Forty-Two AND Forty-Three

Terrible. Just Terrible. It’s been a crazy one. I am going to be as honest as I can be and remember what I can but lets be honest. It’s possible a few of these days will be like “I did this this this and this k. done” I am trying to stay good at this...I swear. The app kinda sucks though cause if you save a draft it saves all the tabs and enters and all that funky with the behind the scenes notes and you have to try to figure out where you were without ruining the format and if you type without the format it posts funny. One of these days...I might just keep one of my millions of empty journals with me and jot down notes...I might just use my planner...though now with the fitness planner it doesn’t really have space for that...unfortunate. Anyway. To the real reason why you are here!

Day 139 **Friday**

My sister woke me up so I could watch the boys. The morning went smoothly. Eventually I got ready for work and the boys left with their dad.

I was supposed to come in early for work but traffic decided that wasn’t happening.

There were lots of rumors at work. It is really interesting to see what people come up with. Seriously where do they get these ideas? I honestly wasn’t expecting the outcome that happened. I have decided to remain cryptic about it publicly. I know, I know...I said no tongue holding. Everything was going to be out in the open but...this isn’t just about me therefore it isn’t my tale to tell. Plus it involves work and it wouldn’t be really appropriate for me to discuss. Instead I am just going to wait and say I am so happy I work for such an amazing, supportive and encouraging company that truly has your back if you are the victim. If I ever feel that this needs to be shared because it escalates outside of work. It will be known but I am going to state right here and right now...My employer did everything in their power to help and back me up. My employer went above and beyond what I was expecting them to do. I hope that I never have to state anything publicly but I support those around me and if I ever notice anything similar happening to someone I am going to be there to support them. I am grateful for the people I work with that also helped defend my statements. They are amazing and made me feel more comfortable and supported.

Work was busy early one. As I stated it was either going to be early busy or late busy. This Friday it was early busy. I ended up locking myself in my office once I got all my goods so I could change everything I could before they delivered and I couldn’t change them anymore. Took FOREVER.(Think Sandlot FOREVER when you read this cause that’s what was running through my mind while typing it. lol)

Headed home. Went to bed. WITHOUT sleeping pills. Goodness it is great when I don’t need them!

Day 140 **Saturday**

Woke up for class. Downed either an RX bar or an overnight Oats. I honestly can’t remember. Class was, as always a killer workout.

After Class I headed to a friends where I borrowed their shower before my hair appointment! Cut it short and got my normal brown with purple under. I think Next time I am going to go for a dark brown almost black with a brighter color throughout. Not sure but the more Brandy and I talked about it I fell in love with the idea. I like my hair shorter. I can’t do much but I feel like it is more wavy this way so more like the curl I like. I got a slight bang this time too. I like it a lot.

After my hair appointment I came home and did some laundry before bed. I actually think I i took a sleeping pill because I was wide awake and wanted to sleep. Can’t remember.

Day 141 **Sunday**

Late morning wake up. Still made it to Church before service started and got the bulletin printed. I just ended up folding it during morning worship. No Big Deal Right?

After church I ran to GNC to pick up some Whey protein. Ended up getting some small shaker bottles and Watermelon Amin.o Energy(Delicious) I saw Kurt coming out of Sprint...or T-Mobile not sure. Can’t remember. Picked up a sandwich from Jersey Mikes...not the best sandwich in the world. They asked if I wanted it ‘Mike’s Way’ which I didn’t know what that meant so I said sure. DO NOT order it that way unless you want a gross soaked up vinegary sandwich. I am sure it would have been fine if I hadn’t done it mikes way and in their defense they told me if didn’t like it to bring it back and they would make me a new one but I was already home and didn’t want to go back. Plus, if I order something and you do what I ask I am not the type of person to return the food. I am not even likely to return it if you didn’t make it the way I asked...I have yet to come across a meal that I felt the need to return.

Went home. Meal Prepped for the week and a couple meals for mom. Headed to bed.

Day 142 **Monday**

Woke up. My body and Rufus were confused. What is this?? We don’t normally get up early on Mondays! Whats wrong with you???

Had an overnight oats for breakfast. Headed to kickboxing. Class kicked my butt. My mind was still at home. This was the first class I took with Marielle being the instructor. Although I hurt myself like 3 times...It was a lot of fun. I ended up bending my wrist on a right uppercut. Followed very quickly by my wrist bending on a cross. Later I did a right roundhouse and hit the top of my foot/ankle instead of my shin and dang that hurt.

I taped up my wrist twice throughout the day after class and tried to rest it while working. I came home and tried my Whey Protein Powder(Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard) mixed with some Vanilla Almond Milk.(6oz) Not bad. Not bad at all.

Work. busy and not at the same time. It really killed me that everything came in while I was inspecting one trailer that I have to see every skid of. The day went on. More rumors going around.

After work I spoke with my supervisor who just wanted to check in on me. All is getting better. Slowly. Went to bed. No sleeping pills.

Day 143 **Tuesday**

Woke up at my noon alarm. I was TIRED!!! Had an english muffin, Peanut butter and an apple. I wasn’t completely awake. I didn’t want to function.

Again busy and unbusy day. Mix. Hotter than I was expecting!! I thought we were in cold weather season...apparently not. It’s supposed to be hot(80′s) for the next couple days...what the heck!

My FabFitFun box arrived. I had to wait to open it after I got home. New Gym Bag, $100 Scarf...Face mask I will definitely try out, hair cleaner that I will try out(replacement for shampoo and conditioner? hrmm I wonder how well it will work) Cuticle oil...not sure why you need that...Ice Pack...it’s like they know I am injuring myself. a Belt...that I may or may not ever wear. More fashion than necessity. Heart shaped Jewelry stand. I don’t wear jewelry but if I ever do...this might come in handy? Red Lipstick stuff. I don’t wear make up so I don’t imagine I will ever wear this. I might though who knows. and some sponsored Flushable wipes...interesting. Might come in handy with the hikes I plan on going on? lol who knows. ANYWAY!!!

I got ready for bed so I could get ready for class in the morning and was out without sleeping pills.

Until Tomorrow?

Good Afternoon World!

[ashley-smithline]

Busy freaking day!!! Kickboxing at 10:15am. Got home at 12:35. Left at 1 to go Kayaking for the first time. Got home at 7:30. Sat down to sort my laundry...Somehow ended up laying on top of my laundry basket with my leg up on my bed. I am so tired. #worthit #45daytransformationchallenge #ilovekickboxing #kayaking #readytogoagain @itsmejessiely