#4 breads???? does that mean....devil bread?!?!

[lilybug-02]

Sorry about the (very long) delay, I was seeing if I could get all 4 breads in a single message-

Anyway, 3 breads are now in desktoptale! Again, sorry.

Fairy bread.

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/xdbmvjfeifzu1whkls9kh/AG8DX87QEn2haulNYTGl37I?rlkey=5tnu4buqi3lx3te9btj2bzqt3&st=rjr25q31&dl=0

Base/Lily bread.

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/pgna9wrkjjhhdl13cq3b3/AMwcm2ZwmzfhIyVzRn0tZw0?rlkey=afp8lrzwb2cuj0uvaknzp7oj7&st=xh7mc1wf&dl=0

And Moldycepts bread!

https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/b9s0mpmmcjz4kttyq9gtb/ABnfB9HLupGc8PBiHsscD5M?rlkey=djzn88q2yjkhhwqys7cfoeph6&st=t8o2rilf&dl=0

Finally, ultimate power! CT Chara & Asriel with Bread!

thn;fas{h}:;][onwt;pd\ripoeuaeahewthn;fas{h}:;][onwt;pd\ripoe:;][onwt;pd\ripoeuawthn;fas;pd\ 🌈☀️🌈☀️🌈☀️🌈 🎨👾 🎨 👾🎨👾🎨 OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! 🥖🦄🧚‍♀️🫓🎉

THEY ARE ON MY SCREEN.

They are all very close friends now. Chara and Asriel Sprites by the same coder :DDD with @ejsuperstar being the artist.

available through -> (desktoptale)

Im gonna cry. These are so so so cool. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to make these. I'm showing my family and friends. I'll put the link to these in my pinned post!!! Because oh my god YES.

[ryozakidesu]

After You - N.JM

1/4 diary of the heartbreakers

summary: ➸ ♡ Na Jaemin had it easy. Loved by everybody, the man of everyone's dream. He's a perfect mix of a charmer and a player. Girls begged to be his, and he loved every part of it. Life used to be so fucking perfect for him. Then comes you. You're like an old book, ink fading, cover tearing, but he swears you're worth the read. Before you, life was easy. After you? He wasn't so sure.

"Break my heart, and you'll only find yourself inside."

GENRE: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Mature themes

WARNINGS: Minors DNI, Explicit sexual content, Language, Mental Illness, Drugs/Alcohol usage, Addiction, toxic!reader, fuckboy!Jaemin (but still a sweetheart)

WC: 19k (I got carried away, lol)

DISCLAIMER: This story is purely fanfiction. Only the names of the Idols are used, and does not reflect on them in real life. There's no way in any shape of form that they are like this in person, because I MADE IT UP. I don't personally know them. DO NOT STEAL / TRANSLATE / MODIFY. This is my work and I don't appreciate people stealing it. Thank you.

Enjoy reading! -ryo

"Look who finally decides to show up," Jeno welcomed Jaemin with open arms, Haechan and Renjun following in pursuit.

"Come on, I just saw you guys about a week ago. Don't be dramatic." Jaemin loosened his tie, sat at the vacant seat beside Renjun.

"No Yeri today?" Haechan smirked, obviously mocking Jaemin.

"She has plans with her friends," Jaemin wants to shift the topic quickly, not wanting to be the center of attention for so long.

"Are you sure its not because she hates us?" Renjun looked at Jaemin with his brow raised.

"She hates everyone." Jaemin grabbed the flute glass in front of him as he saw the waiter come by with champagne.

"No offense, Jaemin, but I hate that her too." Haechan, eating the garlic bread. Jaemin rolled his eyes.

"Makes two of us." Jeno chimed in, drinking his champagne aswell. Jaemin didn't say anything, waiting for Renjun's addition to his girlfriend's hate train.

"All of us hate her, actually. Sorry man but your girl is literally the reincarnation of the devil." Renjun.

"You guys done? I know she isn't the best but she's still my girlfriend?" Jaemin, like the other times his friends tell him how horrible his girlfriend is, try to defend her even tho he knows that they're partly right.

"Yeah, we know. One of the mysteries even Sherlock Holmes can't fucking solve." Haechan chuckled. Jaemin let out a sigh and drank the champagne in one shot. He barely gets a break from Yeri, and when he does, his friends still mentions her name in every conversation they have.

"She disrespects everyone, literally went out with you just to show you off to her friends. I don't understand why you're still with her." Jeno rants, trying to make Jaemin understand. He doesn't mean to drag Yeri, but Jeno cannot understand how the likes of Jaemin, will go out with Yeri who treats him like shit.

"No shit, dude. Neither do I." Jaemin admitted, leaning back on his chair before dragging his hands through his hair.

"How about Karina? She's great, you went out with her a few times, right?" Haechan.

Jaemin, for the ninth time this night, rolled his eyes. "She moved to Paris."

"Joy? The girl you took to Haechan's birthday?" Renjun, pulling up a picture of Joy he searched on instagram, just to show to Jaemin.

"Engaged to Sungjae." Jeno answered that one, Sungjae being one of his acquiantances.

"Oh, I know this girl from Busan--"

"Can we not talk about my fucking love life?! Y'all are just stressing me out, God damn." Jaemin massaged his temples, just wanting a breather. Before he went here, he already had an argument with Yeri.

"Chill, man. Fine.. jeez. Just wanted you to know your options." Haechan looks away and shrugged his shoulders. To be fair, his intent was truly innocent. They just wanted their friend to live a happy life.

As per Jaemin's wish, they moved on and changed the topic to something else. After a few drinks, Jaemin started to let loose.

He wondered about a lot of things. One of which is on how he ended up here. Stuck in a relationship he doesn't really want anymore. Seeing his friends and how happy they are really hits something inside Jaemin. When will he find that? Will he even find that?

Just like the other nights Jaemin drinks himself to slumber, a few glasses in and he starts to think of something so dangerous yet so good. Something forbidden, something he would probably regret. He thinks of you.

Jaemin's greatest what if. You were like a fever dream, a memory he would cherish forever. No one can compare to the beauty hold. You were Jaemin's drug, so captivating, yet so vicious.

He wondered where you are. Are you doing fine? Are you happy?

Sometimes Jaemin hopes you still think of him. That his relevance in your life, although it was short, still lingers in your mind once in a while.

And the memories you and him had, even though it was temporary, Jaemin wishes it was enough for him to believe that you'll meet again.

Jaemin met a lot of pretty girls. All of them, actually. Yeri, despite her frowned upon attitude, was actually beautiful. That's what drove Jaemin to ask her out in the first place. He just wasn't aware of the other things that comes with it. No one can deny the beauty that Yeri holds, and even tho it contrasts his friends opinions, they know that Yeri is still one of the prettiest girl Jaemin had.

But was she the most gorgeous? No. Because there was you. They all fall behind, after you.

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

The first time he saw you was at the school's cafeteria. You're an art student which he could clearly tell from the messy pencil on your bun as you ate with a friend at the back of the canteen. He knew that friend, Jeonghan, because.. he might've slept with his sister. He still couldn't remember tho, he was stupidly drunk that time.

"Who's that with Jeonghan?" Jaemin asked, still his eyes not leaving your face. As corny as it sounds, everyone's faces blurred out when he saw you.

"That's Jiho's bestfriend? I think? Wait, isn't Jiho that one chick you banged last week?" Haechan, the resident insider was the one to answer. Jaemin mentally cursed himself. You're Jiho's bestfriend. Usually that doesn't matter to Jaemin but somehow he felt some sort of guilt into taking an interest with you. Inevitably, you'll know what happened with Jiho and Jaemin, and you'll definitely see Jaemin as this asshole who slept with your bestfriend.

"Everybody knows that he slept with her, dude." Jeno chimed in, smirking.

"More like, everybody heard." Renjun followed, which earned a hefty laugh from his group of friends. Usually, Jaemin would respond with a strong punch in the arm but he was still in a dilemma on how he should approach you without giving off an asshole vibe in him.

Jaemin came up with a plan. Not a good one, but still, a plan. He would casually pass the Arts building, specifically where you usually hang out which was at the Art studio at the top floor, (don't ask him how he found out-- he has his ways) and just ask you where the exit to the building is since he never really got around this part of the university.

His plan sounded good, and just to be assured, he asked Haechan. Which wasn't a very good choice but the way Haechan got around the girls in the university, he deserved some credit. In typical Lee Haechan way he responded, "That'd totally work, dude. I don't know how that would go wrong."

Well, Jaemin now know how it would go fucking wrong.

As the plan goes, he reaches the top floor of the building and walked towards the Art studio at 5pm, because according to his sources, you like to stay after class to do your project on the Art studio. Again, don't ask Jaemin how he got those information. Which is proven to be credible, because he did find you sketching on a canvas by yourself. He could hear a faint music playing on the studio as you sketch, which Jaemin could tell was a portrait of a lady.

He cleared his throat, as he opened the door. Just like in his script, he spoke,

"Hey, uh, excuse me? I've been finding the exit from this building and uhm, I just can't. Can you-- uhm," Okay, fine, Jaemin did fuck that one up. But how can he not, when you turned around so majestically with the golden sunray perfetcly hitting your face which gave Jaemin a full view of your beauty?

"Na Jaemin? What the hell are you doing here?" You stood up, walking towards the speaker and turned it off.

"You know me?" Jaemin asked a dumb question. Everybody knows who he is. He's a fucking famous-- wait, no, he's just famous for fucking. That's it.

"Jiho and all the other girls around this place can't stop talking about how big your dick is, so I'd like to think I'm familiar with you, yes." Sarcasm fit perfectly with you, Jaemin thought. Although, he did not expect you to be this harsh given your soft exterior, nonetheless, he still found you pretty.

"Uh, that's uhm-- not the point, I need to find the exit." Stick to the plan, stupid. Jaemin had thought.

What surprises him even more was your sudden burst of laughter. What's so funny? Embarassment started to fill Jaemin, finding the whole situation dumb and stupid. Why are you laughing at him? This is the first time Jaemin felt this. Usually, girls are all over him, why are you laughing at him like he's some stupid idiot?

"Do you realize that if you're trying to find the exit, you go down the building, not the top floor?" At that exact moment, Jaemin wanted to bury himself alive.

--

"Dude, I didn't think you would fumble this bad." Jeno couldn't hold his laughter after Jaemin told him what had occured in the Art studio. There was only Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin in the dorm today, Haechan was steering out of Jaemin's view eversince he received a threat from his friend, quote, 'I'm gonna burn your hair off your scalp, Lee Haechan'

"You just turned around and left? Are you serious?" Renjun was more like dumbfounded. He expected more from Jaemin, being infamous in their little friendgroup for being a lowkey manwhore. He could not believe Jaemin could act so-- foolish?

"I didn't know what to say or do, bro. This is Haechan's fault, fuck!" Jaemin looked like a prepubescent teen screaming into his pillow. A couple leg-flailing and he'd successfully portray a thirteen yearold boy.

"This one's on you. You know damn well Haechan could pull that shit off with his over confident ass. Whats with this girl anyways?" Jeno asked, with little to no care about whatever Jaemin answered. He already knew you were Jaemin's type.

"You know Jaemin and his thing for innocent girls, Jeno. Are you not with him for the last seven years?" Renjun stated, which Jeno just nodded and shrugged.

"But the way she shut you down, I wouldn't say she's too innocent." Jeno had the other two thinking. Yes, with your soft brown hair and cute features, especially your love for art, you look like the stereotypical good girl that captured Jaemin's eyes. But your encounter says otherwise. No good girl can resist Na Jaemin. Everybody knows that.

Na Jaemin, contrary to his friend's beliefs, is the recent most popular man in his school. All of them were, but every student that knows him, (which is everyone) Na Jaemin is number one in his little friendgroup. He's the perfect balance between a player and a charmer.

Nobody hated the guy, they all liked him. Had the title of Prom King for four consecutive years, and has a squeaky clean reputation. Oh, don't get him wrong tho, he's a manwhore, still. Its just that every girl he has been with doesn't have any bad thing to say about the guy. He's got a great dick and even better personality. Word got around that even guys wouldn't mind if he slept with their girlfriends. That's how loved Jaemin is around the campus. He has a way with words, that once Jaemin calls quits on a girl, that girl would even say "Thank you."

Jaemin likes to think he's just being nice, but Haechan calls him a professional manipulator and gaslighter. Which if you do see it in a technical way, Jaemin's sweet words does affect the way girls interpret his intentions. Because in all honesty, he's just fucking and ghosting. But with a couple of I'm sorry's or Sweetheart's or maybe even a little bit of 'You don't deserve a man like me,' Jaemin easily could bounce out everytime.

"Also, why have we not heard about her? I mean, a face like that? Its impossible that she hadn't shown Haechan's radar." Renjun stated. Its true, it does feel weird that none of them knew who you were, specially Haechan. He's quite literally the hot girl radar and you definitely qualified as one. Its rate that Haechan never made a move on you, or even talked to you.

"Maybe she's really weird or has like a third nipple." Jeno sounds genuine, which was even worse. Jaemin couldn't help but question how is this man his best friend.

"Can you not be a twelve year-old?" Jaemin, as he threw a cushion over Jeno's side.

"Anyways, let's go back to Jaemin being a stupid idiot,"

--

["You got it?"] Renjun's voice was heard through the phone.

"Yes, you bitch. Now once I get home, I expect my beer and chicken laid in my table perfectly, or I'm burning your book." Its almost 7pm and almost everyone had already left the campus but Jaemin. Renjun had asked him to fetch his book from a friend, because Jaemin is the only one staying in the campus this late. For the reason being, well, he had a little make out sesh after his last class with Jiho.

Jaemin wasn't intentionally doing it just to spite you, its just Jiho was a great kisser. And maybe to get information about you, just a little. But that did not happen because he did not have the chance to actually talk to her about you as his mouth was a little preoccupied.

As he walked through the hallway, a door suddenly opened, which revealed you, hair dishevelled and your shirt was wrinkled. He knew that posture too well, out of all people, he's the one most familiar of it. You just did the nasty with someone.

In the school grounds? Jaemin scoffs. He was about to approach you when another body also came out of the room.

No way. No fucking way! Jaemin's eyes went wild, his jaw slowly parts as he saw who it was. He quickly hides behind one of the lockers to avoid you seeing him, only peeking his head a bit to confirm what he just saw.

Nurse Suh. You're sleeping with the school nurse. Jaemin was utterly shocked, as he contemplated on what he should do next. You're definitely not the innocent and soft girl he thought you would be, you're so far from it. And as far as he knows, Nurse Suh has a girlfriend! And not to mention, it's illegal!

"Nurse Suh?!" The three of his friends couldn't believe it either. Jaemin just could not keep the information to himself. He knew he could trust his friends.

"I mean, yes he's hot but isn't he like 34?" Jeno questioned.

"Dumbass, he's only 27. Him and my older brother are friends." Haechan said, then quickly looking back at Jaemin.

"And she's what, 22? I don't see anything wrong here." Haechan shrugged. Of course, out of all of them, Haechan would find this situation fine. He had slept with a teacher before, and called it his 'great awakening'.

"He has a girlfriend, you fucking idiot." Renjun said, hitting Haechan in the back of the head.

"So? You gotta do what you gotta do, man. Honestly, if I was Nurse Suh, I would tap it too." Followed by a playful chuckle, Haechan got another slap in the back of the head, this time, from Jeno.

"Stop hitting me! I need to protect my braincells, I need to pass the test tomorrow, you assholes." Haechan whined, massaging his head.

"Wait, Haechan, did you not know her before?" It was Jaemin's turn to ask, genuinely curious on why Haechan never made a move on you.

Haechan is basically like Jaemin, but even more evil. Sure, they're both manwhores but Jaemin leaves nicely. As to Haechan, he would leave without saying a word and pretend to not know you the next day. While Jaemin would receive love letters, Haechan receives death threats and some hex put on him. Its not like he's bad in bed, because if he is, he wouldn't be able to get his dick wet as frequent as he is now. It's because Haechan does not care for people's feelings.

"I did, I know who she was." Haechan shrugged. All three of them looked at him.

"Why didn't you.. like... tell me about that?" Jaemin's voice was small, a bit shy with what he just said.

"Because It's kinda funny when you get turned down." Haechan had a smile on his face whilst he said it. Jeno shook his head and Renjun just scoffed.

"Please tell me you're joking." Renjun. The boy laughed even more louder while shaking his head and before he knows, a flying cushion came straight to his face. But it didn't stop Haechan from smiling like an idiot.

"You know what's ridiculous, Haechan? That fucking faded out starwars shirt, because I'm gonna make you eat it you fucker!--" Jaemin fought back, reaching out for his friend but Haechan quickly moved away from him

"I'm sorry, Jaeminnie-- but I did try to flirt with her but she's cold as ice, man. And you all know how persistent I am so when me, Lee Haechan, gave up on a girl, you know that girl's impossible. And I heard that she never dates, well, I guess now I know why." Haechan explained himself but Jaemin is still annoyed and pissed.

"So you just let your friend get his ass handed to him? You should've told Jaem, man." Jeno.

"Admit it, It's kinda funny when Jaemin gets rejected. I mean, it almost never happens. And the one time it did, we're not even there to witness it." Haechan keeps smiling, pissing off Jaemin more, but his mind is else where.

---

"I had to say, I'm surprised you called me twice this week. Am I finally cracking your fuckboy code, Na Jaemin?" Jiho had a smirk on her face when he approached Jaemin at the closed off audiotorium in the science building.

"Can you sit down first?" Jaemin scooted a bit and gave space for Jiho to sit down. He has a whole different plan today, and although inviting the girl in his usual makeout spot almost always leads up to them hooking up, this time Jaemin is persistent on asking Jiho about you.

"This is weird. Aren't you taking my skirt off?" Jiho hesitantly sat beside the boy, expecting a kiss but instead, Jaemin has his brows furrowed and seemed bothered

"What? No. Not now. I just want to ask you something." Jaemin turned his body facing Jiho.

"You're being weird." Jiho leaned away a bit, still confused about the whole situation.

"You know y/n?" Jaemin goes straight to the point. Jiho had a visible shock in her face. She never expected your name to pop out from anyone's mouth, and especially not Jaemin's.

"Yes? Why?" Slowing her words, she inspected Jaemin's features.

"Nothing. Why haven't I seen her before?" The question Jaemin is most interested about.

"She's never gonna be interested with you, or anyone. Leave her alone." Jiho suddenly stood up, turned around and walked away as fast as she can, but not as fast as Jaemin.

Before she could even leave the auditorium, Jaemin got a hold of her wrist. "Why are you this weird about her?"

"I know you think you can woo her because you're Na Jaemin and you're a fucking playboy or some shit, but I'm telling you, not even as your hook up buddy, she's worse than you. So I suggest, as your friend, stay. away. from y/n."

---

"This is totally not weird. Yeah sure, I mean, we're just following a random girl walking down the street. Totally not weird." Renjun for one was scammed into doing this. Jaemin asked him to go with him and go buy some pants in the mall for a promise for Haidilao afterwards. Ofcourse Renjun is gonna agree, because he would never pass a free hotpot.

What Jaemin failed to say is that he has a little side quest on his itenirary for today. For someone who's unbothered most of the time, Jaemin is going insane thinking about the mystery that is you. And Jiho's outburst absolutely did not help at all.

"We're not following her. We're just y'know... happens to be in the same way as her." Jaemin knew what he was saying was bullshit, and that Renjun would never believe a word he says. But he would never admit that he's letting someone go and do cartwheel on his mind for almost two weeks now.

"Except we can't walk more than ten feet closer and we've been turning in the same corners as her for about thirty minutes." Sarcasm did not need to be noted.

Jaemin didn't listen and continued walking the same direction as you. This is definitely out of his character, but he has to know you. He's been intrigued enough to actually make an effort to atleast know who you were.

Suddenly, you turned left, into a busy cafe. "You promised me Haidilao, Na Jaemin. Not coffee!" Renjun started being a little irritated. He's hungry, exhausted and disappointed from Jaemin's fake promises. He doesn't need coffee right now, and hell, he's not gonna sit inside a cafe when he could have hotpot right now!

"Jesus, shut the fuck up!" Jaemin dug into his pocket and reached for his phone, typing for a minute and Renjun felt his own phone vibrated.

"Nice. I'll see you later, Sherlock Holmes." Jaemin sent Renjun money for hotpot, which quickly shifted the boy's mood.

"You're useless!" Jaemin yelled as Renjun walked away. "You love me!" Renjun replied with a smile as he skips away.

Jaemin hesitated a bit if he should enter the cafe. Is it too much just to suddenly show up where you are? No. This is the townsquare, students from his and your school are frequents here. It's not gonna be weird. Right, definitely.

The cafe is full packed, quite a line forming. There seems ro be no tables available, but Jaemin still decides to go inside. But as soon as he steps inside the cafe, his feet turned ice cold.

"Alright! I know, I'm sorry!" He sees you hurriedly putting on your apron, as another man seemingly upset with you. He quickly steps into the line of customers, and he just hopes that once he's on the counter, you would be the one serving him.

Jaemin thought he had time to calculate how he's gonna approach you, but the line was quickly moving, and he swear, he's fucking nervous. What if you didn't remember him? Or find him weird for being here?

As the last one in front of him turned to leave, he's finally infront of you. Unfortunately, you weren't looking and focused on the monitor in front of you.

"Uhm," he cleared his throat, trying to get your attention.

"What can I get you, sir?" Your customer service voice was obvious, and quite frankly, annoying. You smiled brightly at him, which he deemed so fake.

"Iced Americano, small." Jaemin's voice was deeper than usual, partly because he's nervous, and maybe because he wanted a cool guy impression.

"You literally followed me here just to get a small americano?" The humour in your voice makes Jaemin embarassed. Wide eyed, Jaemin feigned confusion, not wanting to be caught in 4k.

"I wasn't following y-you?" One thing Jaemin was bad at, was definitely lying. The way he stuttered at his last word says so.

You fought a smirk, again, leaving poor Jaemin feeling so little. "Sure, and the gravity isn't real."

"I swear, I'm not--"

"I'm on a break by 6:30. One small americano, right, sir?" You smiled at him, and Jaemin can fucking feel it. His heart skipping a beat.

"Make that large."

----

His drink already warm, ice all melted into one bland coffee, Jaemin started to feel pathetic. He's been sitting here, on the side of the cafe for almost three hours. He's realizing how stupid he is for doing all of this for someone who's not even that... special. He doesn't know you. You're pretty, yes, but there's always gonna be another girl who's prettier. Maybe its his dick thinking and doing the decisions earlier, but Jaemin saw his entire reputation go so far down if anybody knew he waited for you for three fucking hours. He never knew he could do all of this for a pussy he can easily get with other girls who would even beg for him.

Simmering in his own thoughts, Jaemin huffs and almost stood up to leave, Until he saw his phone, 6:29.

Shit, only one more minute wouldn't hurt anybody? No. Fuck her for playing hard to get. I'm Na fucking Jaemin! Who does she think she is?!

Just as Jaemin actually stood up, he saw you walking slowly towards him while undoing your apron, smile on your face making his knees literally weak that he had to sit down again.

"Leaving already?" You asked, sitting in front of him.

"I-I was just... stretching my legs." If his friends are here to hear the words he just said, he might just jump off a cliff.

"Sure. Now, tell me, Na Jaemin-ssi. What the fuck do you want from me?" Okay, now this, Jaemin did not expect this. Your words sounded harsh but your soft voice says otherwise. Being passive aggresive just makes Jaemin confused all over again.

But fuck it, you wanna play hard? Jaemin can do that. His patience wearing thin, he leaned back on the chair and smirked, almost like flipping on a switch in his aura.

"I want to fuck you." Jaemin didn't whisper, or even lower his voice. He said it so casually, and he noticed your confident stare flinch for a bit.

"I would, but I'm afraid you're not my type." Its like you two were having an asshole-off and seeing who's more cockier than the other. Jaemin isn't competitive, but he's not gonna lose this one.

"Don't be silly. I'm everybody's type." Jaemin definitely won by that line. Or so he thoughts.

"Judging from words on the streets, You're a walking STD. I think I'm gonna pass." This time, Jaemin's sure that you're just pissing him off. Maybe this is your way of playing hard to get, but Jaemin likes to play dirty.

"I fuck a lot but I'm clean, and even if that happens, I'm sure your little school nurse friend can help you." Visible shock in your face, its clear that Jaemin pushed your buttons. Your confident facade slowly shaking, as you gulped and blink trying to process what he just said.

But that didn't last long, only seconds after, you pulled back your smirk. "Oh, you've done some research, I see."

"Now come on, pretty girl. What do you say?" He started to feel it. He's cracking your hard shell.

"Are you really good in bed as they say you were?"

"Go on and ask your friend."

---

"Holy f-fuck, J-jaemin.. shit.. slowdown!" Your table aggressively banging as you bent over it, Jaemin mercilessly pistoning you from behind. His pants not even half way down his thighs, the lower hem of his shirt in between his teeth, showing his glistening abs flexing as he thrusts.

His left hand locking both yours behind your back, and his right hand keeping your head on the table, facing your side. Your mesh tights has been ripped, your skirt all the way up your stomach. One by one, your things that was left on the table started to fall on the ground, as Jaemin's aggressive thrusts forcefully moves the table on a rocking motion.

"Shi.. fuck, I'm coming.." Your hoarse voice was prominent, only motivates Jaemin to hit even harder. Only grunts and growls was heard from the boy, his moans blocked by his shirt between his teeth. Jaemin wasn't only fucking you, he's proving a point aswell. To you, and to himself.

He removes his hands from your head, allowing you to look at him from behind. His free hand brushed his hair backwards, still keeping his tempo. Sweat dripping, his thrusts started to stutter. He then grabbed your face, and pulled you to his chest. Letting go of the shirt in his lips, he whispered, "Come with me, sweetheart."

His hands finding your waist as he felt your walls tighten, an intense whine leaving your mouth as your leg shakes quietly. That triggered his own release, murmuring a few curse words as all his movements halts. Only heavy breathing was heard, everything else dead silent. He slowly pulls out, earning a moan from the both of you.

"That was.." You couldn't even finish, fixing your clothes, quickly sitting at one of your chairs on the table, afraid your knees might give out.

"Intense." Jaemin tucked himself on his pants as he sat down in front of you.

"Not bad," You smirked at him, trying to keep your composure. Jaemin smirked back, proud of himself.

"I thought I wasn't your type?"

"Gotta know what's all the fuss is about. I guess the cat died and curiousity wins." Out of breath, you suddenly picked something on the floor, and Jaemin notices that its a marker that had fell from the table.

"If you wanna do this again," you stared grabbing Jaemin's arms and writing your number on it. "...give me a call, yeah?"

"How about Nurse Suh?" Jaemin didn't wanna sound like a little whiny boy but he had to ask. Is she still going to continue seeing him?

"What about him?" You raised your brows at him.

"Won't he be mad?" Jaemin can see the laugh you held in, before shaking your head.

"We're not in a relationship, and will never be. Same goes to you. We just fuck and go. I'm clean, I hope you are too, and we're not passing the line of being each other's fuck buddy. None of that corny shit, or you're out. I hope you understand, Jaeminnie, you're just a good dick with a pretty face." Your soft face does not match the words you just spilled out. And Jaemin thinks he's hit the jackpot.

No commitments? Just good sex? With you? He thinks he's in heaven. He can't wait to tell the boys about this.

If Jaemin was in the movies, he would've fisted the air and smiled like an idiot.

"Here's to good sex?" Jaemin offers his hand, which you gladly accepted. "Good sex indeed."

---

Jaemin never minded what day it is. Just as long as he did what he needs to do today, he's fine. Tomorrow will have to wait. But eversince you, suddenly he felt impatient and counted the days until he saw you again.

After a few weeks, Jaemin and you saw each other twice a week, mostly Thursdays and Sundays, the days where your schedules matched. Jaemin never knew he would be stuck with one girl for this long, but damn. You're too good. You keep Jaemin on his toes every time he sees you. You were like a gift, waiting to be opened everytime. The excitement and the thrill always feels brand new. And Jaemin would never admit it, but every week, he'd hope the other days go by quickly and wishes it was Thursday again.

"He's smiling like a creep again, Jeno! What the fuck is up with your bestfriend?!" Haechan dramatically hid behind Jeno as Jaemin walked inside their little hang out spot, the old elementay library that became abandoned throughout the renovations.

"He's apparently getting the best pussy in the campus." Jeno shrugged and pushed Haechan away before he plopped himself down the couch.

"You're banging Im Hayeon?" Haechan widen his eyes as he strides towards Jaemin.

"No, dimwit. He's fucking y/n." Renjun, unbothered as usual as he continued drawing in his iPad.

"No way-- no fucking way!" Haechan gasps, grabbing Jaemin's shoulder as he shook it. Jaemin slaps away Haechan's hands and pushed him aside to sit beside Jeno.

"Shut up, Haechan. You're being dramatic." Jaemin pulled out his phone, hoping he would see your name pop up. Surprisingly, nothing but social media notifications greeted him, message requests and follows from people he doesn't know. He checked what time it is, 2:45pm.

Okay. Its still early. She'll text later.

"In all seriousness, dude, do you guys talk? like aside from doing it-- I mean." Jeno's tone was unusual. It's like he's being careful about something, or he wants to say something.

"Yeah? The fuck? D'you think we just fuck and go? Of couse we talk. Why?" Jaemin noticed Jeno's way of talking, turning his whole body towards his bestfriend.

"She tell you something about her?" This time, Renjun and Haechan leaned in.

"Get to the point, man." Jaemin.

"Nah, cuz the girl I was with last night told me that she's really... uh, popular at her previous school." Jeno, knowing the whole context, winced at the word 'popular'.

"What do you mean?" Jaemin's smile when he came here was no longer visible, replacing it with a frown as his brows creased in nervousness.

"I don't know-- man, I think you just... ask her, y'know?" Jeno wasn't comfortable sharing the information he had, but he knew Jaemin needs to know. But he wasn't sure if he's in the place to tell it.

But Haechan did not give a fuck. He's intrigued, and before they knew it, he's deep inside his phone texting someone.

"What are you doing?" Renjun asked.

"Since Jeno is being a pussy and won't share, I'm finding it out." And a second before Haechan could even type another letter, Jeno grabbed his phone away.

"Don't! Don't fucking search it. We should respect her, man. She's still a girl and I heard it was taken down---"

Haechan gasped even louder, even breathing out an "oh my god", He didn't say it out loud but the four of them were thinking the same thing.

"Holy fuck, she has a sex tape?!" Haechan, ofcourse was the first one to break the silence.

And once again, you surprised Jaemin.

---

"I'm famished, god damn." You sat beside Jaemin on your old couch, digging a spoon on your bowl of cereal. Your top barely even buttoned, you started eating a spoonfull after another.

"Slow down, you'll--" before Jaemin even finishes, you caught something in your throat and coughed almost everything in your mouth.

"What did i tell you? Aish-" Jaemin quickly then grabbed the tissue beside the couch and started to wipe your face. He grabbed the bowl from you, putting it aside and wiping some of the milk that had spilled on you.

He then stood up and walked towards your kitchen, as if he owns the place. Next thing you know, he comes back with a glass of water in his hands.

"Thank you," you managed to blurt out in the middle of your coughing and drank the water.

"I thought you didn't have a gag reflex the way you sucked my dick earlier," Jaemin joked, earning a playful slap in his shoulder from you.

"Shut up, movies starting." Jaemin didn't give a single fuck about the movie playing on screen. Haechan's voice keeps ringing in his ear, and as much as he wanted to stay out of it and respect your privacy, something in him wants to know. Its like an itch wanting to be scratched.

"Tom Holland's like the perfect spiderm-- Jaemin?" The boy's trance was interrupted when you call his name. He didn't realize that he was staring off to nothing instead of watching the movie he picked.

"Yeah?" Jaemin blinked thrice before looking at you, your eyes peaked interest as you examined his face.

"You're out of it, what're you thinking?" You paused the movie, moving your body to fully face him.

Jaemin can't wait. He has to know. "Just curious, where did you say your last school is?" He hoped his question wasn't too obvious.

"I didn't say anything?" Okay, hold up. Plan backfired. Fuck!

"What? I-I swear you told me, like, last time? Sacre--"

"Sacred Heart. Yeah. And no, I didn't tell you about it." Like the many times, Jaemin was nervous. Again. You make him so.. unlike himself. What the fuck is it with you?

"Oh, wait, are you sure--"

"You heard about it, huh?" Jaemin couldn't tell if the smirk on your face was a good thing. He doesn't want to fuck this up, and he's starting to think he just did.

"I'm sorry, If you don't want to talk about it--"

"It's fine. It's not that bad. Hell, It could've earned so much if it was uploaded in a porn site, y'know? Stupid Mr. Nakamoto," You chuckled, nonchalantly turning your body towards the screen again, as if what you just said didn't just shocked Jaemin to the core.

The fact that you weren't bothered about it, and even sounded like you're bragging about it wasn't the main thing Jaemin was apalled by. "Mr. Nakamoto?"

You smiled, as if you were reminiscing, "He was my Biology teacher. Couldn't accept the fact that I'm leaving him so he went and blackmailed me with the video, but his phone got stolen and poof, it spread around like a wildfire. If you ask another person tho, they'd just say I spread it myself. You choose what you believe-- I don't really care." And you looked like it too. You did not care, because if you did, you wouldn't just tell all of this to Jaemin.

"Did anything happened to that assho-- Mr. Nakamoto?" Jaemin feels heated. He doesn't know why, but what he knows is he wants to suckerpunch whoever that Nakamoto is.

"Got his license removed, but you know what's even more fun?" You leaned onto him, your lips next to his ear and whispered, "His wife was so devastated her husband had to find someone younger to fuck, she filed for divorce the very next day."

And just like that, Jaemin was left speechless. Again.

---

"Jaem, someone's looking for you." Renjun tapped his friend's shoulder, pointing at the student standing on the door. Jaemin slowly opened his eyes, way too tired to even stand up, and looked who it was.

To his surprise, it was Yoon Jeonghan. He knew this would come sooner or later, since he had a.. thing with his sister for a while. But he never thought that Jeonghan cared, afterall, Jeonghan never talked to him about it.

But oh boy, was he wrong.

"Heard you're fooling around with y/n?" Jeonghan was serious. He wasn't looking at Jaemin, he's just staring ahead. His hands on his pocket, as Jaemin stood behind him, confused.

"Yeah? What about it?" He knew you and Jeonghan were friends, he often sees you with him. But why does this conversation feel more intense?

"And my sister already talked to you about it, right?" This time, Jeonghan looked at him.

"Yeah, she's being weird about it." Somehow, Jaemin wants this conversation to be about Jiho instead of you. He wishes Jeonghan was only after him because of his sister, because then, he knew what to do. But its you. Jaemin never know what to do with you.

"Because she's right. You should stay away from her, man. Just-- a friendly advice, alright?" Jaemin hated how Jeonghan sounded so sincere. What could be so awful about you that even this man, who he never even talked to, warned him about you?

"Dude, not to sound rude, but how the fuck does me fucking around with y/n, your business?" His voice slightly getting sharper, owing to the fact that he hated getting told what to do.

"You're a good man, Na. I'm sure there's more prettier-- even more fucking hotter girls than her. She's not..." Jeonghan paused, almost saying something he would regret, "... good for you. I've known her forever, and she's not the type to be with."

"I know you're older than me, and I mean this with utmost respect, you and your sister should mind your own business. I don't know what she did to you and Jiho, but she's fine. And we're not even together! We're just fooling around! Y'all are so dramatic." With that, Jaemin turned around and left Jeonghan. He sounded so unbothered by all of this, but in all honestly, he's starting to question if there's really a valid reason on why Jeonghan and Jiho was so sincere about you being apparently, a bad person.

The way you laugh at Jaemin, the way you smiled, you tell your stories, and everything Jaemin saw you do, you being a bad person doesn't make sense to him. Sure, you've done some fucked up things but Jaemin never cared about that. You showed him genuine happiness, and Jaemin could never see you in the light that Jeonghan and Jiho painted you out to be.

And just like clockwork, your name popped up in his screen. Just as if everything in the past fifteen minutes never happened, his steps became slightly faster as he grabbed his things. He couldn't be more excited to see you again.

---

"This is pretty." Jaemin pointed out a painting, whilst he dressed himself. You were also doing the same thing, but you looked at where he was pointing at.

It was your artwork from last year. The canvas was leaning beside your dresser, along with other canvasses that you never put up.

"Wonderstruck." you said. You were a bit appalled that Jaemin noticed the only work you were actually proud of. It wasn't even displayed in the front, it was almost entirely covered by unfinished canvasses.

"Wonderstruck? That's its name? It's really beautiful." Jaemin sounded sincere, he really found the painting pretty. It was a couple, sitting by a river on golden hour. Sky was the shade of orange and blue, nighttime seeking in but the sun's still there, laying real low. It was in a middle of a field, lavender flowers scattered around.

It was new to you, men showing interest on something more than your face and body. It sparked something in you, Jaemin knew that with the way you jumped out of your bed, biting your lip, hesitating for a second, "Want to show you something."

"What do you think?" You were standing beside your kitchen table, with a few printed photos of people Jaemin didn't know. It was all in black in white, and all of them showed genuine smiles.

"Cool. Who are they?" Jaemin was adjusting his belt as he scanned every picture. The way you're looking so innocent and fluffy, showing him your photo collection can fool a person into thinking you did not just have mindblowing sex minutes prior. Jaemin stifles a laugh.

You, in your overalls smiled so brightly at him, excited that Jaemin showed interest on your work. "They're random people I saw on the street." You were fidgety, kept on arranging the photos. Looking at Jaemin for any signs of validation. Jaemin thought you were so cute, but he never said it out loud.

"Is it for your project?" Now, Jaemin doesn't have a single clue about the Art department in his school, but he knew it's important for you, so he tried his best.

"No. I just did it." You took one picture and showed it to him upclose. "I just like to see people smiling, you know? There's just something so precious with asking people to smile for you. Because when they do, you can tell that they just feel.. pretty. And I like making people feel pretty." You were so caught up in explaining that you didn't notice how Jaemin was looking at you. And he was thankful you didn't see it.

The way his eyes just expressed a thousand strings of emotions he's afraid to show almost felt dangerous, he didn't want to get caught. But for a moment, he let it happen because he was sure you were focused on something else. All the while he was focused on you. Because while you were explaining how smiling makes people pretty, he was thinking that you didn't need to smile and he's already thinking that you were the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on.

But before you could even looked at him, Jaemin quickly focused his gaze on the photo you were showing him. "That's cool. But I never knew you were into photography aswell. I thought you were into paintings only."

"I'm into art, Jaem. And art comes with different things. Although I like painting more, photography is my second favorite. Here, before you go," Swiftly, you grabbed your polaroid camera and stood beside Jaemin, putting your arms around his shoulder making you stand on your tippy toes, and angling the camera where it could capture you both. Jaemin was caught by surprise but he still managed to smile and pull you tighter.

As soon as the flash disappeared, you removed yourself from him and grabbed the film. "This one's for you, so you could remember who your best sex was." She winked at him and chuckled before going back to rearrange her photos.

Jaemin, on the other hand, his eyes never left your figure. He was in awe, he was amazed, and fuck it, he was wonderstruck. But most importantly, he was fucking scared.

---

The next thursday came, and surprisingly, you didn't call. Jaemin liked to think you were just busy, so he never reached out. There's still sunday, he thought. And even if you didn't reach out this sunday, its okay. It's not like you had to keep the schedule, right?

Besides, Jaemin was busy aswell. He's planning Jeno's birthday. Usually, Renjun and Haechan was the one assigned to planning parties, but Renjun was occupied and Haechan wasn't feeling it. They were still helping Jaemin, its just that Jaemin wanted to throw a party for his bestfriend this time. Also, to take his mind off of you for a bit.

If he wasn't busy and occupied with something, Jaemin might go insane thinking about where you are or why you haven't been calling him. So he initiated.

"How fucking long is your list, Jaemin?" Renjun couldn't believe how long he's been scrolling through Jaemin's list for the party invitations. Yet, he isn't surprised.

"You know you can just announce that you're throwing a party and literally everyone who knows you and Jeno will come, right?" Haechan, laying on the couch scrolling mindlessly on his phone.

"Nah, I don't want some weirdo showing up uninvited." Jaemin pointed out, but he left out another reason. He wanted to waste time on listing names just to get you out his mind even for a short time.

"Well don't forget about Jisung's best friend." Haechan smirked.

"Jeno's brother's bestfriend? That's weirdly specific, bro." Jaemin added, shrugging his shoulders. Still, he wrote it down.

"A little birdie told me that Jeno has a thing for his brother's bestfriend." Haechan chuckled, fixing his glasses.

"What? How come I never knew that?" Jaemin asked. He's Jeno's best friend and an information like this would surely come up. Yet its the first time he's heard of this.

"That's because you're so far up that mystery y/n girl's ass you're starting to look like anal beads, bro." Renjun winced at Haechan's choice of words, but then again, he's used to it.

"I'm not, dude. I'm here most of the time, aren't I?" Jaemin looked at Renjun for validation, but he just rolled his eyes at him.

"He's actually right, Jaemin. You're whipped." Renjun added, smirking.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I'm literally here in front of you guys, on a thursday, which I'm supposed to be with her-- but I'm not because she didn't call-- but also because I want to be with you ass--"

"The more you talk, the more you prove our point. You're fucking whipped, Na Jaemin." Haechan sat down properly, playfull shoving Jaemin to provoke him. Jaemin just hit Haechan's hands away but that didn't stop the boy from annoying him.

"Think of it, dude. You went through two months with her-- only her. Two months-- dude. That's fucking bizarre for you. It's either that pussy was gold, or-- just like what we're saying, your ass is whipped." Haechan was pissing Jaemin off, not because he doesn't agree, its because he does. And admitting that would just fuck up everything you two have.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You guys are tripping, big time. I'm not whipped." Lies tasted bitter in his mouth. He might just be whipped.

He walked out of their hangout room, and just as he opened the door, his eyes widen. You were there, standing with your messy bun, clueless eyes and a box in your hand.

"H-hey?" Jaemin was caught offguard, as he closed the door behind him.

"That room looks like it stinks."

Jaemin chuckled, it does. "Mostly of weed and old furniture. What's up?"

"I,- uh, baked some cookies. Just-- y'know, wanted you to have some." You awkwardly raised your box of cookies to present them to Jaemin, and it takes so much of him not to melt on the spot.

"Thank you," Jaemin resisted the urge to call you 'baby', mostly because he didn't know if he was allowed to do it outside your apartment.

"Tell you what-- why don't we eat it together?" Jaemin.

"I'm free until 4:30?"

"Cool, we can go to the garden, there's barely any student there."

Jaemin smiled and grabbed you by your wrist. "But I know a much more cooler place."

"Really? Where?" Jaemin stopped, and it was your turn to hold him by the wrist.

Jaemin didn't ask, he just let you drag him anywhere. You could take him to a lion's den, he wouldn't care. Anywhere is fine with him as long as you're there.

After climbing on a flight of stairs, Jaemin noticed that you two ended up on Art department building's rooftop.

He hasn't been in here, and it was.. interesting. It looks like any other rooftop, messy and full of unused class chairs, except there was a spot where there's an old couch, just like what they have on their hangout spot. There's a random mini refrigerator and a lamp-- thats it.

"This is my super secret place. Be greatful I let you in here." You squinted your eyes at Jaemin as you patted the seat beside you, basically asking him to sit.

Jaemin did so, and looked ahead. He can see the entire school campus in here.

"This is pretty." He whispered.

"Much better than your stinky room, huh?" You bragged, opening a can of cola that you have on the mini fridge.

"Hey, how come you have that? We requested to have one but the stupid school didn't let us."

"Oh, this little guy? Johnny helped me with it." You smirked, tapping the blue mini fridge.

"Johnny?" A new name in Jaemin's books. Who's Johnny?

"Nurse Suh? His name is Johnny Suh, you didn't know?"

"I didn't." His vibe went a bit south, but he didn't let that spoil your moment together. It was rare for you to approach him in school, and he wanted to have that moment.

"This is good, damn." Jaemin munched on the cookies you got for him and it was honestly tasty. Better than any other cookies he had before, or maybe he was biased and his judgement was greatly affected by the fact that you made it. Eitherway, the cookies are delicious.

"I only made one batch and even that was too much for me. I wanted to give some out but.." you paused. "Funny, you're the only one I had in mind."

"Nurse Suh?" Jaemin didn't even know why he brought the guy up again, but he did.

"Nah, we don't do that." You smiled.

"And we do?" A tinge of hope sparked in Jaemin, that maybe he had some difference between him and Nurse Suh. Maybe you do treat him more special. A guy can dream, can't he?

"Sure, we do. I mean, I can't just throw away this exceptionally good tasting cookies, can't I? And you're the only one I have right now.. so."

Jaemin was enthusiastic. He felt like he won something. He can't help but smile even more, but also, he felt bad. When you said he was the only one you have, he thought about Jiho and Jeonghan.

"What about the Yoon siblings?"

You let out a humourless chuckle, more like a scoff. "Jiho doesn't talk to me anymore and Jeonghan.. well. It's complicated."

"I swear I just saw you two eating at the cafeteria." Heck, that's how he found out about you. Because you were sitting at the cafeteria beside Jeonghan.

"He just sat with me because he felt bad I was eating alone. Also I barely go down there to eat-- so he kinda just.. I don't know. Let's not talk about them anymore, Jaem."

---

"Look at me, baby." Jaemin whispered, softly grabbing your jaw to turn your head towards him. He has you on your side, holding your right thigh up as he slowy thrust. He can see that you're near, and damn, he can feel it too.

"J-jaem.." You start shaking, as your entire body give out. Looking into his eyes, his own pleasure wasn't on the table anymore, he just wants you to feel good. He can safely say that you are indeed the prettiest when you cum, and he's glad he can see you this way.

"That's right, sweetheart. Let go for me, will you?" This was very different on how you usually do it with him. You were usually intense, rough and fast, but something about tonight feels more... passionate. Jaemin never went any faster than his current tempo, yet he still hits every spot. Slow and deep, while he looks at your face, admiring the beauty he's glad he had the priviledge to see.

"Kiss me, Jaemin." You didn't even have to ask twice, Jaemin already dipped his head lower to reach your lips, tasting you while your walls tightens, your whimpers covered by his own lips, you just came.

Once Jaemin pulls away, he pulls a few strings of hair strands away your face to see you. Your eyes glistening, and not long when you let a tear drop. Jaemin could never wish for anything more than this.

"You're so beautiful, y/n." He whispered, more to himself, than to you.

"Thank you." You softly answered, smiling at him and giving him another kiss. Jaemin then let go of your thigh, instead wrapping his arms on your waist. It seems like you got the idea that he's near his climax so you positioned yourself in a way that he gets more of you, sticking your backside out more thus facing away from him.

"No, no, princess keep looking at me." Jaemin whispered and you followed, facing him again.

"You gonna cum for me, baby?" You asked sensually. His thrust slightly getting deeper, but never faster. His eyes went back and forth with both of your eyes as he nodded.

"For you, my love." He mumbled. His jaw slightly ajar, brows furrowed as he let out a deep moan, abruptly staying still and you felt his release warming up your walls.

"You did so good, Jaemin. So, so good." Your compliments just adds to his pleasure. Shivers ran down his spine, he manages to calm himself after his intense climax.

"You're so good to me. I lik--" Before Jaemin finishes, you pulled away from him.

"I'm taking a piss." You said, forcing yourself to stand up and walk your way to the bathroom.

And just like how he felt so good seconds before, it suddenly got washed away with the feeling of dismay. He can't believe he just attempted to say that. Fuck. Running his hands on his face, he mentally curses himself for being wreckless.

You were still in the bathroom when Jaemin heard a few knocks. He's confused, grabbing his phone to look at the time.

9:47pm. Who could visit you at this time?

He grabbed his boxers and quickly putting it on, as well as his shirt but he didn't bother to make himself presentable. He opened the door and his eyes widen.

"Nurse Suh?" He eyed the tall man, and the guy eyed him too. Both of them are confused as to why the other is standing where they are.

"Na Jaemin? What the hell are you doing here?" Johnny wasn't even sure why he was asking that, it's clear with Jaemin's shuffled hair and obviously--- him in his boxers.

"I'm sure you know the answer to that." Jaemin sounded rude, but he does not give a shit. Nurse Suh poses as a threat to him and your-- uh, situationship -- and Jaemin doesn't have a reason to be nice to him.

"Where is she?" Johnny's voice was full of concern, as he looked past the younger boy just to get a glimpse inside your apartment. That's until Jaemin steps outside, and closing the door behind him.

"What do you want from her?" Jaemin looks at him, and although the guy was taller and has a bigger built, again, he doesn't care.

"I'm sure you know the answer to that." Johnny's tone and him mocking Jaemin pissed him more. Letting out a huge breath, Jaemin looked at him straight in the eyes.

"You know-- you're whole relationship with her is fucked up, right?" Johnny was surprised on how Jaemin just turned off the calm facade. He didn't expect him to be triggered like this

"What relationship? You out of all people should know she doesn't do relationsh--"

"Yeah, whatever. You can't fuck around with her anymore, man. You're a fucking school staff, and she's a student. Also, you have a fucking girlfriend. I don't know how you're okay with this."

"The same way she's okay with it. Look, kid," Johnny closed his eyes and massaged his temples, he continued. "... me and her, we've been through some shit. Shit that you can't handle. But I know.. man, you care for her. And I don't want to hear your bullshit, you do care for her. And I do too. But she's not the kind to be with, y'know? She's gonna ruin--"

"Fuck! You weren't the only one who fucking told me that. I don't know what she did to you, but she's fine with me. If you think of her as this fucking tragedy on legs, then maybe you don't really care, don't you? But I do. So get off my fucking ass and don't see her again. Or I'm gonna have to report you." Jaemin didn't know where all of his words came from, but it did feel good. He doesn't think about the consequences of everything, but one thing's for sure. He's not gonna let anyone talk shit about you anymore.

Johnny, tho, never flinched. Instead, he smirks and even let out a chuckle. "You've got some nerves, kid. Okay. I'll back off. But don't come running back when she breaks you." he then turned around and got ready to leave, but a few steps in, he turned to Jaemin again.

"...oh, and tell her Happy birthday."

Jaemin stood there for a minute, watching Johnny leave. It's your birthday? How come you never said anything?

After a few deep breaths, he went inside the apartment again. Just in time when you walked out the bathroom, hair all wet and with a set of new pajamas.

"You done?" Jaemin approached with a smile.

"Yeah. You wanna take a shower?" You looked up at him. He shook his head as he patted your head. "You hungry?" he asked.

You smiled even more, looking up at him expectantly, "Please?"

"Okay. I'll go get us some food, alright? You don't worry your pretty little head." Jaemin gave you a kiss on the top of your head before getting his pants and keys, walking out of the apartment.

Not even half an hour, Jaemin came back. Not only with takeout, but also a bento box. You looked at him kind of confused on what it is, but when he opened it, your eyes widen. It was a small cake that he bought on the convenience store. He wanted a much more expensive one but he also wants to get back to you as soon as possible.

He then pulled out a small candle, sticking it onto the cake. Pulling out a newly bought lighter, and lighting the candle. "Happy birthday, princess. Make a wish." He smiles softly at you.

When all of this was happening, you didn't say a thing. You just looked at him with your glassy eyes, your mouth slightly apart. You blinked hard and fast before finally tracing back to yourself, "I'm.. how did you know?" you asked.

"Doesn't matter. Now come on, candle's burning out." Thats when you looked down on the candle, quickly closing your eyes, clasping your hands together as you thought hard about what you're wishing. Seconds after, you opened your eyes and blew on the candle.

Jaemin was still smiling, setting the small cake aside to give you a kiss on your forehead. He was surprised when your arms wrapped around his waist.

"Why do you have to make me so happy, Jaem? You make it so hard. So hard." You whispered, but Jaemin heard everything. He desparately wanted to answer, because he had an answer. And its something he's afraid to tell you. Because the result was uncertain. Its either it goes perfectly well, or he lose you. And he's not gonna take that risk.

So instead, he just returned your embrace, but even more tighter, giving you another kiss on your forehead. "I don't know." he answered quietly, lying to you and to himself.

"You're a good person, Jaem. Anyone would be lucky to have you." Your vulnerable voice made Jaemin feel warm. In a way, you sounded truthful. You felt genuine.

"You're lucky, then." Slowly, Jaemin. Lay it on her slowly.

"I can't have you." Your bitter smile showed.

"Why not?" Every second counted, every breath you take suddenly mattered.

"I can't do that to you," With a shaking voice, you buried your face in his chest even more.

"I don't understa--"

"Just shut up, shut the fuck up and let me have this." And with that, Jaemin never muttered another word. Instead, he just held you closer like this was the last time he gets to do so.

"Jaem?" You looked up at him, Jaemin looked dow n at you with his eyebrows up.

"I'm sorry." You said. And Jaemin didn't want to ask why you were apologizing, he doesn't like to know the reason behind it. Because he doesn't want you to give him a reason why he needs to forgive you about something.

---

"I think I'm inlove with her."

"Ya think?" Jeno, deep inside his phone, seems like he's stressed about something. Never minding his best friend's struggle, because everybody already knew Jaemin was inlove with you. It's not new information.

"Fuck! Shit!" Both their heads turn as they saw Renjun ran inside their hangout spot and closed the door.

"Hell is wrong with you?" Jaemin asked, but Renjun ignored him and proceeds to lock the door.

"Why's everybody so weird today?" Jaemin mumbled.

It is a very weird day for Jaemin. Somehow, he feels like something's not right. Well, yeah, his undying love for you was one thing he was stressed about but there's more, today's not like every other day, he thought.

That goes on for the rest of his morning. Its like he's waiting on something to happen, like everybody was so tense. You didn't text or call either, which was feeding onto Jaemin's paranoia. It's not like he's being clingy, but he's genuinely feeling something unsettling in his chest.

Maybe it was the coffee he had this morning, or maybe the fact that he's never had this dilemma about a girl before.

So, finally giving up his pride, he texted you.

4:50pm jaemin: wya

4:52pm jaemin: heyy

4:58pm jaemin: ??

You not answering definitely did not help. So, the next big thing he can come up with was go to your apartment. Not a smart choice but Jaemin never once claimed to be smart.

Once he took a step towards your door, for a moment. Jaemin regretted going here. He can see that your lights are on, and can hear shuffling inside. But fuck it, he's already here.

He thought you had someone over, maybe Johnny, or someone else. That made him heated. But the closer he was on your front door, he heard yelling-- and another voice, which he could tell was from a girl.

The door was ajar-- and once he was right infront of it, he could hear everything.

"Y/N! Please! Not him-- he's a good person. You know that!" He confirmed that it was Jiho who was arguing with you.

"I don't care what you feel, Jiho. Get the fuck out of my apartment!"

"Leave Jaemin alone--" Once Jaemin heard his name, his feet froze on the spot.

"Why the fuck are you so nosy? Is it because I stole your little Na Jaemin? Then go ahead! Get him back! But, oh-- newsflash, he doesn't want you anymore. Washed up and used--" The sound of a slap made Jaemin finally interfere. He walked up inside your apartment and saw you holding your cheek and Jiho crying. Both of them looked at him shocked.

"What are you doing here?" Jiho was the first one to speak, but Jaemin's eyes were focused on you.

"Did you just hurt her?" Jaemin was angry. The sight of your cheeks red and the fact that he knows Jiho just slapped you didn't sit right with him.

"Didn't you heard what she said?! Didn't you fucking understand what kind of person she is?" Jiho cried even more, she couldn't believe that someone as sweet as Jaemin would side with the most vile person she knows.

"Doesn't give you the right to hurt her." Jaemin threw all his principles away at this point. He doesn't care anymore.

"You're poisoning his mind, Y/N!" Jiho shouted, which you just smirked at her. Jaemin can't find the warmth inside your eyes, he just saw something empty.

"I didn't do shit, Jiho. Maybe you should just learn how to get out of my fucking trail. Or should I do something? Should I break your brother's heart for the second time?" Jaemin didn't know this version of you. Its like you've thrown away every emotion you have just to spite everyone.

"Don't you fucking dare." Jiho attempted to step towards you again but Jaemin put himself in between you and Jiho.

"Just go, Jiho." Jaemin calmly said.

Jiho didn't say anything, and let out a huge puff before walking out of the apartment, sobbing. She slammed the door shut and quickly the room went silent. None of you dared to talk for the first couple of minutes.

"I didn't want you here," you started.

Jaemin didn't say anything, instead, picking up some things that fell on the floor, trying to fix the apartment. Your paint brushes, your keys, and even some of your photos were on the floor. Must've been a very intense argument.

"Did you hear me, Jaemin? I don't want you here!" your voice strained, Jaemin pretended not to hear you as he continue to clean up the mess.

"Are you hungry? Want me to get you dinner?" Jaemin's voice was as normal as it can be. It doesn't make sense to you. But everything in this situation doesn't make sense.

Jaemin should be mad. Jaemin should go and leave you. Jaemin wasn't supposed to stay.

"Whatever-- do what you want. I'm going to bed."

Jaemin likes to think that in a couple of hours, you'll come up and be in a great mood. Sun shining and all that corny shit. Jaemin was also overly enthusiastic, one that masks with the real thing he's feeling right now. Nervous. Worried.

For a couple of days. Jaemin tried his best to get you out of your apartment because remember, you two are students. You were supposed to go to school. But you never left your bed. And for the first few days, Jaemin didn't go to school too. He was in your apartment day and night, looking after you. This wasn't like you before, Jaemin swears its like you're a whole new different person.

You didn't talk, didn't want to get up, and he knows damn well you aren't sleeping for the past days. You just layed there, emotionless.

He didn't know why he was doing this. You weren't you anymore and Jaemin doesn't know who he was even taking care of anymore. But he's still here. He's still with you.

The third day went and Jaemin is still in your apartment. Ignoring his friends-- and shit, even his mom. He doesn't want them to know why he's MIA for the past few days. He doesn't want everyone to know yours and his business. Whatever happenes between you two, stays between you two.

Jaemin woke up with you sitting on the kitchen. Eyes staring at nowhere, hair dishevelled and bags under your eyes forming.

"Goodmorning," Jaemin said in his sweet voice, careful not to scare you.

"I don't know how many times I should tell you this, but you should go, Jaemin. While I'm being nice." Even your voice sounds like a stranger. The pinch of joy that used to come with your voice were no longer there.

"I will, but I need to make sure you're fine---"

"I'm fine! I don't fucking need you here!" You yelled, Jaemin flinched but still remained calm.

"Are you hungry--"

"Maybe you've become dumb and stupid that you can't comprehend a simple fucking sentence, huh? I'm done with you, Jaemin. I'm sorry but you're useless to me now. I need a new face around here and yours is--"

"You really want me to leave?" Jaemin sincerely asked, like he was tired. Your eyes lifted, and you nodded.

"Yes." Jaemin's lips formed a thin line, his jaw clenched.

"Fine." He calmly walked away-- and convinced he can't take it anymore. He was tired mentally, emotionally and physically. You didn't want to be helped and Jaemin knew he can't handle you.

But as soon as the door shut behind him, his feet stood frozen as he waited. And not even a couple of minutes, the sound of your sobbing on the other side of the door made Jaemin turn his steps.

He was tired, but not fatigued. He knew he couldn't handle you but he can try. You didn't want to be helped but maybe tomorrow you change your mind. And maybe, just maybe, he can take another day.

"Breakfast, y/n. Come on." Jaemin, the fourth day. He went home for a bit, took a shower, but quickly went back to your place. And in his surprise, you were out of bed.

He can hear the faucet running, so he knew you were in the bathroom.

A few moments later, he heard you coming out of the shower. And there you are, hair all wet, freshen up after a few dreadful days and Jaemin was starting to see the color coming back in your skin.

"You feeling better, baby?" He softly asked.

"What are you still doing here?"

Jaemin didn't say anything, instead, giving you the most precious smile he had. "Come on, I cooked pancakes."

"Jaemin, get out. We're done, Jaemin. Get the fuck out!" Tears started forming again in your newly healed eyes, as you pointed out the door.

"I'm not leaving you, y/n." Finally, Jaemin acknowledged the situation.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, huh? When I say we're done, we're done, Jaemin. Can't get that through your thick head?" Words spew like venom, Jaemin starting to feel like he's staring at a stranger. Who is this person in front of him?

"I know you're upset and you haven't eaten a proper meal in days--"

"The fuck do you care?" And with that, you ticked something off from Jaemin.

"Fuck do I care?! Y/N, you've pushed everyone around you away and I was the one who stayed! For days I didn't go anywhere and stayed with you, y/n. Do I care?! Because even if I don't know what the fuck is going on with you I still fucking stayed! So yeah, I'd like to think that I care for you because I fucking lo-- shit!" Jaemin caught himself before actually saying the thing. He knows its a deal breaker if he said it but hopefully, you already felt it.

"Did I ask you to do all of that shit?"

Jaemin can almost feel his heart shatter. You really didn't care about him, or his feelings. He had a little bit of hope. And with a single sentence, you destroyed it.

Jaemin let out a humourless chuckle. "Fine. We're fucking done, y/n."

---

It's been a week and Jaemin's friends started to worry. Jaemin barely ate-- didn't attend his classes and barely got out of their hangout spot. Jeno had a call with his mom and told him that Jaemin didn't once contact them in almost a month. And thats where Jeno knew something was wrong. Jaemin loved his mom-- and he would never ghost her.

"Man, I don't know what to do. He just flicked me off when I offered him ramen." Haechan was serious. You barely see him being this concerned-- but even him, knows something was wrong with Jaemin.

"Is it about that y/n girl?" Renjun asked.

"Probably. I mean, eversince she came into the picture Jaemin basically became a different person." Jeno haven't met you yet, but this, what you're doing to his bestfriend definitely isn't giving a good impression.

"Maybe they're done. If Jaemin's looking like this and haven't mentioned a single thing about her, I think that's what this is." Renjun said, looking at his friend, and his sleeping figure.

"I have an idea." Haechan stood up and huddled his friends, but Jeno and Renjun stepped away. "No, Haechan, you don't."

"What? At least I'm trying to help our friend!" He grabbed both of his friends again, "Anyways-- we should introduce him to another girl. Get him back in the game, y'know?"

"What are we talking about?" The three of them almost jumped when Jaemin was suddenly huddled with them.

"Nothing! We're just thinking about how much booze we're buying for Jeno's party." Haechan's quick wits came into action but Jaemin didn't buy it.

"Stop being weird." He casually walked back to the sofa and plopped himself down again.

Jeno tho, had enough. "You're weird! What the fuck is with this act, bro? You look lovesick or some shit."

"m not doing anything, the fuck are you on about?" Jeno got even more pissed, because Jaemin was blatantly lying.

"That girl you're with is causing trouble, dude. You're barely going to class, we haven't seen you in days, you didn't call your mom in a week and just for her to fuck with the school nurse?" Jeno's still calm, not wanting to escalate the situation. But he figured that Jaemin needs to hear it one way of another.

Jaemin was visibly confused. What did Jeno mean about you with nurse suh? Didn't he already dealt with that?

"Saw her yesterday at the nearby convenience store with Nurse Suh. I don't know, dude but she's not worth all this shit. And I don't even wanna talk about the stuff I heard about her previous school, man." Haechan was a little hesitant about confronting Jaemin, but since Jeno has already started it he's got no choice but to just say it.

"You're out of your mind if you think you have the right to say all that shit. You don't even know her." Every word that Jaemin says was delivered with so much intensity, even the boys were starting to feel uneasy.

"We're just confused Jaem, eversince you met that y/n girl its like you became a whole new perso--" Renjun was cut off when Jaemin let out a scoff.

"Okay, I see what's going on here. If we're airing out our business here then let me have my fucking turn." Jaemin stepped towards Jeno, "You, aren't you shagging your lil bro's bestfriend? Yeah? Guess what, so is half the school."

"Hey, the hell? What's wrong with you, man?" Haechan interfered. He knew the look that Jeno has right now was serious, and he also knew that if he didn't get in between them, chaos will ensue. So he quickly stepped beside Jeno.

"What the fuck do you know about me and her, Renjun? I minded my own business when you went out with your girl out of pity." Jaemin doesn't know where that came from, but it already went out his lips. He wasn't the one to say things like that but somehow it came out. Renjun was fazed, to say the least.

"And you--" Jaemin let out an sigh and smirked, slowly turning towards Haechan. "You talk high and mighty but everybody knows you're a fucking cheater, Lee Haechan. So you, especially you, doesn't have the right to even mutter a thing about her. Because if we're talking about being an asshole, you take the fucking throne." Jaemin's eyes are empty, and so his mind. He just wanted to say anything to get back at his friends without thinking.

"Fuck you, man. Seriously. All this for that girl? You look fucking pathetic, Na Jaemin." Jeno was aggravated and fuming, but he was never gonna go down with violence, specially with his best friend. He knew better.

"It doesn't even fucking matter what you think about her anymore, cuz y'know what? We're done. She doesn't wanna see me anymore. So go ahead and talk shit about her but make sure I'm not in the fucking room next time." The room was silent, they didn't know what to say. Obviously because this was the first time they saw Jaemin like this.

"I think this shit got out of hand, I know you're upset but we're just genuinely concerned, dude." Renjun, now on the much calmer side, tries to difuse the situation.

"Okay, I'm just gonna ignore what you said because I know you're upset, Jaemin. But come on, man, you've met her what? For two months? And you're already losing yourself? I swear if this could be any other girl I wouldn't say anything but man.. she's only trouble. And you can get angry at us all you want but I'm glad you got out of that situation." This side of Haechan was rarely seen, because it only comes out when they need it the most. And for Jaemin, its also rare that he agrees with Haechan but this time, he did.

For the next week, Jaemin tried to bring himself back, and his friends noticed it too. He became active again, going to parties with them and even got back to planning on Jeno's birthday party. There was no sign of you, your name or your presence. Jaemin was starting his old ways again, meeting some girls here and there.

"Hey, what did I tell ya, huh? She's great, isn't she?" Haechan grinned at him, as they walked together.

"Nah, I've had better." Jaemin non-chalantly said.

Haechan looked at his friend, smile slowly getting bigger. "There's the asshole I know, glad you're back to the game, man!" Haechan with his proudest smile, shook Jaemin playfully and but the boy did nothing but chuckle.

His friends were satisfied and pretty much convinced that you were completely out of Jaemin's system. To see Jaemin go back to whatever he was before you, definitely brought back the Jaemin they knew.

"Happy birthday, man! Whew, how does it feel to be an old hag?" Haechan joked as he hugged Jeno, Jeno just playfully pushed him away.

The music was loud and people were starting to fill up Jeno's house. It's his parent's house and they were out of town, as per Jeno's request on his birthday. No one wants to party with their parents, ofcourse.

To say that Jaemin pulled off the party planning was an understatement. It was only 8pm and the party is already packed. Jaemin really outdid himself on this one, also with a little help from Haechan and Renjun.

"Happy birthday, Lee! This party is fucking lit, dude!" Yangyang, from engineering department went and greeted Jeno. "We've got Jaemin to thank for that." Jeno responded loudly, trying to communicate among the loud music.

"Yeah-- where's Na?" Yangyang asked, and Jeno was clueless as him. He knew Jaemin was in the house, he saw him earlier. But after that he never saw him again.

His eyes went around the room to find atleast Haechan or Renjun, and he only found Renjun on the side, in his phone. "He's around, somewhere." Jeno answered, bidding goodbye to the friend and walked across the room to approach Renjun.

"Where's Jaemin?" Jeno managed to ask.

"Upstairs with the girl Haechan introduced him to!" Renjun wiggled his eyebrows at Jeno, and Jeno nodded in agreement. At least he knew Jaemin was having fun.

Little did they know, Jaemin wasn't having fun.

"Come on, Jaemin.. how long does it take?" The girl whispered sexually, kissing his neck like its her last meal.

"Just.. don't talk." Usually it doesn't take Jaemin this long to get hard, but the girl just doesn't do it for him. Its been almost thirty minutes and Jaemin is getting tired, but he also doesn't want to disappoint, so he tries his best to focus on the girl, but he just couldn't.

His phone constantly vibrating doesn't help, so he grabbed it and threw it on the other side of the bed.

Jaemin closed his eyes, felt every single touch and did the worst thing he could ever do to himself. He imagined it was you.

You were touching him, kissing him and giving him warmth. It's you he's with, not this girl, not any girl. Its you. And it worked. It brought back memories of you that sparked something in his body. Small waves of pleasure started. And just as he's slowly starting to function, he heard the door open.

Jaemin's back was facing the door but the girl on his lap can see who just entered. The little mindgames in his head was interupted when the sound of the door brought him back to reality.

"What the fuck? This room is occupied!" The girl with him yelled, completely destroying the fantasy Jaemin created in his head. He's back to square one again, and this time he's not trying again.

As soon as the intruder left, Jaemin lifted the girl off his lap. "Sorry, Cindy, bab--" he can't even call her 'baby'. "--but you need to go."

Jaemin didn't wait for her answer and left her on the bed while he walked and locked himself on the bathroom.

As soon as he knew that the girl had officially left, that's when he went out to his room again. His hands finding his phone, he checked what time it is. 9pm.

Jaemin brushed his hands through his hair, frustrated and strssed.

He ignored the multiple chat that Jeno and Renjun had sent, and went to an food delivery app instead.

Delivery Status: Successful

Items: 1 Full Steak Meal with Pineapple Juice and NY Cheesecake

Total: 80,000krw

Notes: Don't skip a meal :) -J

Jaemin has been sending food to your place for the past week. In exactly 9pm, when he knew you'd usually have your dinner.

The next morning, he woke up fine. He didn't really drink much so he didn't have any sort of headaches or symptoms of a bad hangover.

The house was eerily quiet, as usual, the morning after a very big party.

He was the first to wake up and the whole house was trashed. He didn't expect anything else, ofcourse seeing the amount of people last night.

He knew all four of them was still in the house tho, maybe a couple of girls, so as the designated sober person he took the initiative to prepare breakfast. It was calming for Jaemin to take care of people.

Not long after he heard a couple of footsteps, and of course, it was Renjun.

"Mornin'" Renjun, hair sticking out everywhere, still in his clothes from last night.

"Had fun last night?" Jaemin asked, smirking.

"Didn't you read the texts I sent you last night?" Renjun asked. Jaemin's smirk disappeared.

"What text?"

"Jeno wouldn't want me to tell you this but... she was here. She was looking for you but Jeno and I didn't tell her where you were. She knew that you were here because she told us you invited her a while ago, she looks so.. tired. And then she asked Jisung, who doesn't have a clue with the whole y/n situation so he told her that you were upstairs." Renjun thought that Jaemin needed to know what happened. Jeno thought otherwise.

Jaemin felt his blood drain out of his body. He remembered someone knocking and opening the door to where he was with a girl last night, but he didn't know who it was. Jaemin's heart was racing. He was sure it was you. And he was also sure how fucked up it is to find him like that.

Jaemin didn't say anything, grabbing his keys as he left Renjun thinking if he made the right decision.

"Y/n! Y/n!" Jaemin was knocking on your door with urgency, and after a few, the door opened.

You were there. Standing in front of him but why can't Jaemin find any familiarity?

You were so different. You've lost weight. You're not you-- yet his heart still beats the same. His eyes still found warmth as you looked at him. The smile that left no trace on your face still lingered around Jaemin's memories and for that he still knows that somehow, you're still you.

"Hey." You whispered. You sounded weak.

Jaemin was about to hug you-- confront you about last night but once his eyes left the beauty that is your face, his heart skipped a beat. His body froze, he felt like time stopped.

Your shirt. Your fucking shirt. You're wearing a faded out starwars shirt.

"W-what are you wearing?"

"Oh this? Ah, right! Tell Haechan thank you for last night-" You smiled, the sweetest smile that Jaemin once loved, was now stabbing him in the chest.

"Don't..-- Why are you-- I don't understand.." Jaemin finally broke down, eyes letting go of the tears he held. You're breaking him down-- you're ruining him.

"What? You thought I was better?"

"Y/n.. don't do this to me.." Jaemin whispered. Knees giving out, yet he remained still.

"I don't know what to tell you, Jaemin. I'm everything they told you I would be."

"You're just.. cruel. My friend, y/n? My fucking friend?" In contrast with his cursing, his tone wasn't angry. It was despair.

"Will you leave me now?"

"Did you.. did you sleep with him?" Stupid question.

"I don't know, Jaemin. Did I?"

"You're.. fuck, y/n you're just cruel. Cruel and fucking unfair. Whatever did I do to you?" His voice strained. Drip-drop.

"Do you finally hate me?" Drip-drop.

Drip-drop.

Drip...drop.

"Yeah.. yeah I think I do."

And there it was. The last drop of Jaemin's feelings for you. Congratulations, y/n. You've finally drained him out of love.

---

Three days, Jaemin went off the grid. He stayed with his mom, giving himself a break.

He didn't want to contact any of his friends. At least not for now. He knew he still had that pent up anger towards Haechan, and he don't want to do anything that would result in him being violent. He knew that it was all your plan, just to get him to leave you alone.

What he couldn't understand is why Haechan did it. Haechan knew what Jaemin felt for you, like shit, he knew before Jaemin even knew for himself. He was one of the people who made Jaemin realize his feelings for you.

He wished he had listened to everybody and just left you alone. He wished he took everyone's advice and minded his own business. Maybe all of this wouldn't have happened.

Eventually he had to comeback. His school isn't very much happy with him and its not like its the end of the world. Everything is moving on but him, and nobody likes to be left behind.

As soon as his friends saw him, Haechan froze. He quickly tried and approached Jaemin. "Dude. Where were you? Everybody was looking for you--"

"Don't touch me, Lee Haechan." Jaemin wasn't angry, but he wasn't calm either. His tone is strong and firm, enough to stop Haechan from his tracks.

"Is this about Jeno's birthday?" Jaemin wanted to punch Haechan for even bringing it up. How could he?

"I swear to God if you don't step back--"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Jaemin?" Renjun was the one to interfere this time.

"What's wrong with me? This fucker slept with y/n and you're asking me what's wrong with me, Huang?!"

"Hold up-- hold the fuck up, What do you mean?" Jeno, eyes going back and forth between Haechan and Jaemin.

"She told you we slept together?" Haechan was legitamately confused.

"She was wearing your ugly ass shirt, Haechan."

"Yeah because I lent it to her? She was at the party and I accidentally bumped into her and she got alcohol spilled all over her shirt, Jaemin. So I had to fucking give her a shirt and then she ran away right after. You think I'd do that to you?!" Haechan was fully arguing with him now but Jaemin had remained silent.

Then why did you let him think that you did it? Why would you put him through this? Are you that desparate to make Jaemin hate you?

Jaemin brushed his palm all over his face. He was dumbfounded. He then plops down on the couch, deliberately thinking about the past few days he spent trying to get you off his head. And he thought he was damn near on succeeding, but the sudden information struck him down again.

And just as the tension was slowly coming down, a sudden intrusion on their room made the four of them look at the door.

"He's here? Na Jaemin!" Jiho burst through the door, passing through the three boys who were too caught in the moment to stop her.

"J-Jiho.." Jaemin stood up again, as Jiho stood in front of him.

"What did you do?!" Jiho was frustrated and angry, to say the least.

"Let's calm down," Renjun, the forever pacifist meekly attempted to delute the situation in hand.

"No! I told you, Jaemin! We told you to stay away from her!" Jiho.

"Are you blaming him? Your friend is a pathological liar who likes to play with peopl--" Jiho angrily turned towards Jeno, making the boy stop his rant.

"You're not part of this." Jiho then looked at Jaemin again.

"We're done, Jiho. I don't want her anymore. I don't want anything to do with her--"

Jiho smirked, "She left, Jaemin. She pulled out of school."

The room filled with silence, and it was so loud. Nobody wanted to say anything, partly because they were waiting for Jaemin to react.

"She-- what?" Jaemin was shocked. His body didn't know how to react. Every bones started to feel loose, it was so eerily quiet that it feels like he can count the seconds it takes for his heart to beat again.

Jiho's tears started to flow. "She was sober for six months, you know? We thought we finally fixed her-- she was doing fine. And then you-- you just had to come in and ruin everything."

"I don't underst--"

"I don't want to blame it all on you, because I know you're also hurt-- but Jaemin we begged you to stay away from her. But you didn't. You--" Jiho sat down, hands on her face, shoulders shaking.

"S-she--" Jaemin couldn't form a sentence.

"Where were you? In the past three days, Jaemin, where were you?" Jiho took a sharp breath, raising her head and looked at Jaemin once again.

"I was at my mom's..." Jaemin answered meekly.

"I found out last Thursday. When you saw us fighting at her apartment, that was when I caught her doing drugs. I was trying to--, fuck, I was trying to throw it away and then she got angry and started to talk about you. I guess she felt that you were by the door and started to talk about you.." Jaemin remembers that clear as day. The day you visibly changed right in front of his eyes.

"She left Sacred Heart last year because of the scandal. It hit her so bad, and that's when it started. She was introduced to drugs and later diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Me and Jeonghan knew her from our childhood and we did our best to help her. And then she went out with Jeonghan and that's when our falling apart happened. She broke my brother's heart and I can't even blame her because I know she only did it because she wants everyone to leave her. She thinks she's a burden to everybody. And then Nurse Suh came into the picture and helped her to get free medication, and when she did, eventually her addiction stopped. And then you happened, and for a while she was so happy. But suddenly Nurse Suh cut her off and the medication stopped. That's why she drove you away, Jaemin. You know what she told Jeonghan before she left? She said that you didn't deserve to be with her."

"She can't leave, did you check the apartment?" Denial. Jaemin can't process everything yet. He doesn't want to.

"Her stuff's out of the apartment. We found this," Jiho pulled out a polaroid picture. Jiho reached out to Jaemin, swiftly before letting go of the photo.

"She's a good person, Jaemin. She's just broken. I know you did your best, but we can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. I just hope you don't hate her forever." Jiho then walked away.

Jeno, Haechan and Renjun was silent. They didn't say anything, not to disturb their friend's moment of silence. One by one, the left the room, leaving Jaemin and a photo that had a glimpse of a moment where you were once his.

It was the picture of you and Jaemin. Happily smiling. Upon seeing the photo, Jaemin finally broke down.

At the back, there was something written.

Hi, Jaem. Thank you for the food you've been sending! Although I didn't eat it, I still know that it's delicious!! Remember when we talked about photography? How I love people's smile? Guess what? I think yours is my favorite. So please keep wearing it. You're precious, Jaem. I am so sorry for everything. I hope you get the love that you deserve. Do me a favor and forget me, will you? -y/n :)

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

"Is it on?" Jaemin was a giggling mess, infront of you as you filmed him beside you on your bed, nothing but the sheets.

"It is! Okay, ladies and gents,--"

"This man right here," You booped his nose, "Just gave me a mind blowing orgasm about.. hm, six minutes ago?" Jaemin laughed at the camera, before wiggling his eyebrows at it. "I did, one of my proudest talents."

"Shut up!" you laughed. "Anyways, Mr. Jaemin-ssi. Tell the whole world your age and what you want to be when you grow up!" You giggled, focusing the camera on his bare face. His eyes heavy, smile reaching his eyes.

"22, and yours." He whispered as he looked at your eyes instead of the camera lense.

"What? You barely said anything!"

"I just did what you told me, baby. I told my whole world what my age was and what I wanted to be." Jaemin can see the sudden rush of color on your cheeks. You frowned cutely.

"You're a loser." A tinge of smile you desperately hid made Jaemin laugh. He likes it when you pretend you don't like his corny takes.

Jaemin then grabbed the camera, now turned it to you, also nothing but the sheets and bare face. Jaemin is convinced this is what heaven must look like.

"Now to my pretty interviewer-- aren't you gorgeous?" You jokingly cleared your throat, smiled so big that it could make anyone blind.

"Hi, I'm y/n, Jaemin's pretty interviewer."

"So, my pretty girl. 5 years from now, how do you see yourself?" You were a bit unprepared with Jaemin's question, he sees it the way your smiles faltered a bit.

It took you a minute before you answered, "Better. I hope I can be better so I can take care of this little manchild." You somehow turned it light, grabbing the camera from Jaemin and pointing at him.

"Well, y/n from 5 years from now, I'm glad-- I hope, I'm still there by your side."

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

"Yeri, I've told you a hundred times, she's my mother so you need to treat her with respect!" Jaemin can't help but yell, just as he followed Yeri out of the restaurant.

"She doesn't like me, Jaemin! Gosh your mother is so-, I'm not dealing with her shit anymore, Jaemin!" Yeri yelled back, stomping her feet as she walked toward's Jaemin's car.

Yeri is Jaemin's girlfriend for four months. He went out with her upon his father's request and to his mother's dismay. His father thought Jaemin could finally settle down with a woman after you.

Jaemin can't help but grunt, looking up, frustrated and honestly just tired. Everyday he questions why he's even with Yeri. The girl did nothing but drain his wallet, disrespect his mother and treat him like a trophy boyfriend.

"She's not allowed in our apartment anymore," Yeri said as she settles herself on Jaemin's passenger seat.

"What apartment? It's my apartment and you sleep there, Yeri. And you can't just-- ban my mother from my place!" Jaemin has already forgotten the time where him and Yeri never argued.

"Did you see the way she looked at me? And you're gonna sit there and not defend me?" Jaemin admits that his mother did have a distaste with his girlfriend, but never once did his mother did anything to show that. She is not that kind of person and Jaemin's sure he's not the only one to vouch for that.

"She was trying to make a conversation and you blatantly ignored her, Yeri."

"I didn't like her tone." she rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone as Jaemin drove. He decided not to talk anymore, mostly because he doesn't want to argue anymore.

"What're we doing here?" Yeri saw that he parked outside her apartment complex.

"I need time for myself, Yeri. I can't handle you anymore." He expressed with utmost respect.

"Are you kidding me? You're kicking me out of your place?!" Yeri squealed, almost making Jaemin cover his ears.

"You can disrespect me but not my mom, Yeri."

Yeri smirked, crossed her arms on her chest, and looked at Jaemin. "You're trash, Jaemin. Such a fucking mama's boy. I bet this isn't even about your mother, huh? Still about that bitch who left y--"

"Get out or I'm gonna have to drag you out, Yeri. Please." Thankfully, Yeri did get out, but not walking away before she slams the door, making Jaemin flinch a bit. He makes sure the Yeri actually went in the building before he drove off.

He pulled out his phone, texting his mom. He decided that he'll just go back to the restaurant and apologize for Yeri's behavior. He knew that his mom was hurt, and he can't let the night pass without comforting his mom.

Luckily, the restaurant is near where he was so it took him about ten minutes to go back. Getting out of his car, he wondered if his parents are still there.

Looking further inside the restaurant, he didn't notice someone walking out the door so inevitably, he bumped and collided with a man. He quickly bows, "I'm sorry, man."

"No worries," Jaemin was a bit perplexed on how deep the man's voice is, but shrugged it off anyways.

"Felix!"

Jaemin felt his heart stop a beat. He knows that voice.

"I'm here," The man responded.

Jaemin was frozen on the spot. He was afraid to look behind him and put a face in to the voice he just heard, but he's sure as hell he's not leaving this spot without knowing who it is.

"Excuse me," This time, the woman was much closer to him as she walked pass Jaemin.

His breath hitched, time slows down as he saw the back of her head.

Before she could even take a step further, Jaemin grabbed her wrists, not thinking of anything,-- just the fact that he desparately wanted to see her face.

"Hey!-- What,-- Jaemin?"

There you are.

Jaemin gulped before blinking to see if he was just hallucinating but there you really are. "Y/N," he whispered, more to himself.

"You know him?" The man, who he assumes was Felix, asked, looking at Jaemin's hands on your wrist. It brought Jaemin back to reality, and swiftly let go of your hand.

"Y-yeah," Your cheeks burned, not letting your eyes away from Jaemin. It was like everyone else blurred out, and you two were the only ones in the room.

"You okay, man?" Thats when Jaemin realized that his jaw was actually a bit slacked, staring at you for a solid minute now. He shook his head to look at Felix,

"Yeah. Uh, y/n, how-- how are you?" Jaemin's breathing was starting to get abnormal, as he was really shocked to see you here.

"Good," you cleared your throat, "Great, actually. Uhm, Felix, this is Jaemin," "Jaemin, Felix." The two shook hands, Felix was still visibly confused but Jaemin was still stuck on you.

"Old friend?" Felix asked.

"Is that what she told you?" Jaemin, glancing on you.

"Yes?" Felix was starting to feel uncomfortable, as he had no clue what the heck is happening in front of him. You two looked perplexed and out of it, to say the least.

"I--, We need to go, Felix. Hey, uhm, Jaemin-?" It was obvious you were aghast, just like Jaemin.

Jaemin looked back at you again, "Yeah?"

"I'll see you around?" You uttered.

"Okay." Jaemin said quietly.

The two started to walk away from Jaemin, but Jaemin was left there frozen. In his own thoughts, drowing in memories about you. Everything came crashing back on him and it was overwhelming. After so long, you still had that power over him. You still manage to get his guard down.

This is fucking dangerous. Jaemin shouldn't even feel like this. One look, one word-- and its like his whole being fell again. Is destiny truly fucking with him? He took so long-- months, to get you out his system. Or at least burn it so deep inside his brain along with the memories you have. And for what? All of it being opened like a freshly sewed wound, all because of a three second interaction?

That night, Jaemin went home with a feeling so familiar. Like he wanted to find you again. Just like the first time he saw you at that cafeteria. He wonders if he'll see you again.

Actually, no. He will make sure to see you again.

---

"You can't break up with me,"

Jaemin sighed, he didn't know what else to do. This was the only way Jaemin thought of, specially after his encounter with you. He knew the effect you had on him that night wasn't the innocent 'seeing your friend after long time' type of thing. He knew there's more to it.

"I'm sorry," and he really is. He didn't want to string Yeri along, and doesn't want to give her false hope that this relationship is going somewhere.

"Is this about your stupid mom? Fine, I'll apologize!" The thing with his mom was also a big thing in coming to this decision. Jaemin likes to think that even if he didn't see you that night, this breakup was inevitable. It was coming, sooner or later.

"Don't-- don't call my mother like that, Yeri, please. And no, there's more to it. Please, I want a clean breakup," Jaemin didn't want to elaborate, he didn't want to hurt Yeri even more.

"You can't leave me, Jaemin! We have a party to attend-- I already told them about you! Do you want me to be embarrassed?" Of course. Of course its about the fucking party.

Jaemin was a trophy for Yeri. Handsome and rich, Yeri bragged about having him in her palms. Jaemin never complained about it but it does bother him. And Yeri bringing it up now just showed him how Yeri never really cared about this relationship.

"You can find a new boy toy, somewhere else, Yeri. I'm done." He's not gonna lie, there's still a pang of guilt when he walked away from Yeri. He knew it was unavoidable, yet it with you in the picture again, it does play a huge part.

"A fucking toast for the newly single man! I'm so proud of you for letting that devil reincarnate go!" Haechan was beyond sober, as he welcomed Jaemin who just came a few minutes earlier.

"You really did it, huh?" Renjun smiled, putting his arm around Jaemin's shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess." Jaemin shrugged. Every moment feels important to him. He doesn't have any idea when you'll show up again. So he better not drink even a drop of alcohol, just in case.

"Why the long face?" Jeno was buzzed aswell, completely leaning on the bar couch. Eyes barely open, he's been drinking quite a lot lately.

"Nothing," Jaemin doesn't want to say anything about you and his' encounter, he didn't want to jinx it.

The bar was loud and busy, yet Jaemin was quiet and stuffy. He does feel relieved, breaking up with Yeri was a huge weight off of his shoulder. But he can't get off his mind the words you said.

"I'll see you around?"

Where exactly is around? When will you see him? Is it in the same restaurant? Will you text him to meet? Is that Felix guy your boyfriend?

"You're such a bore, Jaemin. Not even a shot?" Its a mystery how Jeno managed to stand on his feet with how drunk he is but he still did, handing Jaemin a shot, which Jaemin refused.

"Not in the mood,"

"Whatever. Y'know, eversince that gi-"

Before Jeno could even finish, Renjun, which had a little to zero alcohol in his system quickly pulled Jeno down beside him.

"I'll sew your mouth close, Lee. Now sit down and let me fucking find the other Lee." He was referring to Haechan, which also is drunk out of his mind, but still ran into the sea of people on the dancefloor.

"I need a breather," Jaemin decided to go outside the bar, but making sure that Jeno is well situated first before leaving the poor man laying in the couch.

In every other situation, he would've loved to match Jeno's energy and got drunk as much as his best friend, but this time he is truly not in the best condition to do so.

As soon as the bar's door closed behind him, the sudden silence was almost deafening. Which Jaemin wouldn't tell if its much worse than being inside, since he was left with only his thoughts and the street in front of him.

He crossed the road into a nearby convenience store, wanting some water or any drink that could possibly soothe his mind.

"Thank you," He bowed to the cashier, as he paid for the drink in hand.

The store was empty. Just him, the staff, and some random music quietly surrounding the store.

He sat by the stools, contemplating if he should just go home. Phone dead, he disregarded the idea of calling Renjun, who he is sure would prefer to be with him in this quiet convenience store rather than to babysit two grown adults who can't seem to handle their alcohol.

Dropping the phone on the side of the table, Jaemin quietly opened and drank the coca cola he bought. He just now realized that this was his dinner. He forgot to eat. Funny, Jaemin being a big advocate of not skipping a meal, skips a meal.

The dingling sound of the door was heard, Jaemin never bothered to look because again, this is a 7/11. People come and go. A slight set of footsteps was also prominent, seemingly roaming around the store.

"Can I sit here?"

Wide eyes, heart skipping a beat. The music was suddenly gone and everything else blurred out.

"Y-Y/N." He stuttered. He can't swiftly grasp the situation before you sat down the stool beside him.

"Hi." Your hair a bit shorter, cheeks a bit fuller, carrying a shade of pink, your figure covered with a thick coat.

You placed a couple of kimbap in front of you and a coca cola, same as his.

"What are you doing here?" Jaemin, carefully picking his choice of words as to not show any signs of discomfort.

"I was passing by and.. actually, no. I followed you here." For a moment there, you sounded like you wanted to lie, but backtracked and told Jaemin the truth.

"Did you now?" Jaemin remembered when he followed you that one time, and it feels like the tables have turned.

"Yeah, figured we needed to talk." You were timid, can't barely see Jaemin eye to eye. From his memories, you were always confident with what you say. So seeing this demeanor in front of him was a change.

"How are you?" Jaemin asked, genuinely curious.

"Never been better," You answered back, with a full chest and a heave of deep breath like you were relieved.

"I'm glad," Every last word was quickly followed by a complete silence.

After a few moments of deep thought, Jaemin wasn't sure what to say. Yes, before you showed up, questions was flooding in his brain. Asking for answers on why you left, why'd you lie and most importantly, why did you break him for no reason.

Jaemin's thoughts mustve been loud, hence the next dentence that came out of your lips.

"I'm guessing you have questions?"

Maybe Jaemin should've had a few shots before, to ease the tension and gain liquid courage, because fuck, he doesn't think he can handle this tonight.

But for the months you were gone, Jaemin isn't gonna pass this rare chance that you showed up, much more, showing up to talk to him properly.

"Why'd you leave?" Three words that circulated Jaemin's mind on those months you were gone. A question he asked himself a lot of times.

You were still for a bit, likely thinking about the answer. Jaemin could explode at any moment, he feels.

"I signed myself up for rehabilitation."

This wasn't the answer Jaemin expected. Its somehow a blow, to him, because he was angry at you for flaking on him for no reason. But now that you answered one of the many questions he had, it made Jaemin regret some of the things he had thought of about you. His guilt crept in.

"I-, I didn't know."

"Only a few knew about that. You were one of the unlucky ones to have suffered from it, so I thought you needed atleast an explanation." You smiled bitterly, still looking outside, whilst Jaemin looked at your side profile.

You continued. "I assume Jiho had filled you up with some of my dilemmas after I left. But trust me, Jaemin. I never intended to hurt you. You're so undeserving of the things I did but I had to make you hate me. I knew you cared for me back then, more than I had anticipated and I never really wanted to give myself that. I knew I can't receive love I didn't deserve. And I can feel it too, Jaem.." you paused.

Jaem. Oh how he missed the way you called him that.

".. I can feel that you really wanted to fix me. And you truly tried your best. But back then I didn't want to be fixed. And its unfair to have you selfishly. I never slept with your friend, I just made you believe that. I wanted you to despise me, to never think about me ever again." Well, you failed on that part, big time.

"Just hoped you gave me a chance to take care of you," Jaemin muttered.

"I'm not that evil to give you a burden like that,"

"You were never a burden to me,"

You let out a humourless grin, "I'd like to believe that, but we both know that's not true. For as long as I remember, I had been apologizing for just.. existing."

"I could've been there, y/n. I could've helped you."

"No, Jaemin. I don't think so, cuz even then, I couldn't even help myself." You spoke with great sincerity.

Another cruel moment of silence passed, and it was the most intense yet. None of you spoke, as if your thoughts were connected and understood each other without even saying a word.

"You really fucked me up, you know." It was now or never for Jaemin. Might as well open the can of worms now, and regret everything later. He might not have the same courage and opportunity as now.

"I did. And I'm so.. so sorry."

"But it's fine, y/n. I was young and naive, I guess I needed that. I already forgave you, fuck it, I don't even need to because I never truly hated you. All I did was love you, and even after you broke me, I still did." Looking into the distance, after so many failed attempts, he finally said it out loud. He was ready to risk it all, again.

"And I knew that, Jaemin. And maybe, I did love you too but back then I didn't know what love is. It was so scary and overwhelming that even from a distance, I already despised that kind of feeling."

"Are you... happy?" Jaemin thought about the man you were with. And at this moment, your answer was crucial, as it was a defining moment of what step or path he should go next.

"Yes. Are you?" Looking at him, you saw his eyes fill with unspoken comprehension of what its like to be happy and sad at the same time.

Happy that you're doing great, sad because he had just accepted the fact that you're much better with somebody else.

"I have no idea." And that was the truth. He wasn't sure if theres a word that could describe how he feels.

"Yeri, right? I heard from someone that you're with her. She seems great," Oh, what a great timing.

"We broke up already."

You widen your eyes and smiled awkwardly, "I'm sorry,"

"No, its okay. It wasn't working anyways. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You and Felix?"

"He's a great friend. He helped me with sobriety and therapy." Friend? Is that so?

"I thought you were dating," Jaemin liked the way this is going, it gave him hope.

"No, not really, never had anyone after you."

Is Jaemin supposed to be proud? Nonetheless, he felt a slight flutter in his chest. He was about to make a decision that will ultimately trash the imaginary walls he tried to build.

"Have.. have you thought about what we could've been?" Oh, what a risky question.

"Yeah, even back then, I always dreamed about an alternate universe where I wasn't so fucked up and actually tried something with you." Okay. You seem fine now, you seem on track. It wouldn't hurt to try again, right? Jaemin wanted to slap himself. Do he really want to risk it again?

"You could still.. try." The answer is yes.

You furrowed your brows, tilted your head a bit, "I don't think you deserve another heartbreak, specially from me, you know?" You chuckled, yet Jaemin was serious. This time, he's set to have you. He has to have you.

"I'll gladly let you break my heart again, y/n. Trust me, you'll only find yourself inside."

.·:*¨¨* ≈☆≈ *¨¨*:·.

Maybe Jaemin was setting himself up for another heartbreak, but this time he was certain. He was certain to give it his all-- everything he has to lose. You were worth every piece of his heart.

He kissed your lips like he held his entire life on it, like every moment were his last. Running your hands on his hair, you two blindly roamed around your apartment. Luckily, Jaemin still had the entire apartment sketched in his brain.

You felt his hands lower, lifting up your ass, signaling you to jump and cling onto him. You gladly did, and like a feather, he lifted you without any struggle. Lips still tangled together, Jaemin lowered you into the soft texture of your bed.

"I missed you so much," Jaemin groaned as he parted his lips from you. Seeing your face against the dimly lit room was majestic. Not long before he lowered his face onto your neck, giving it open mouth kisses that sent shivers down your spine.

Slowly, he tugged on your shirt upwards, lifted it and revealed your soft pink laced bra, covering your breast. Jaemin didn't waste time grabbed one of you breast, caressing it gently, just enough to bring you pleasure without discomfort.

"Hmm, I missed this," He groaned again.

You whined, being sensitive to every touch he gave you. His hands worked like magic, pulling down your bra and swiftly latching his mouth on your left nipple, while still caressing the other. "Ah, fuck.. baby." you moaned.

You can feel your core dripping already, desperate for any kind of friction. His expert hands left your boob, yet not leaving your skin, just lowering to the area you were sensitive the most. In a split second, your pants was undone and a cold breeze on your center gave you goosebumps all over. "So wet for me,"

"Yes.. yes, please, touch me." You begged for him. You needed him.

"You don't need to beg, princess." Just then, his middle finger applied pressure on your dripping core, igniting a spark that felt so good-- you couldn't help but buck your hips onto his hands.

He was gonna love you, and you were gonna love him. Tomorrow's uncertain, but today was sure. You were meant to be his, and he's meant to be yours.

Let your heart get what it wants. If you get hurt, then you have to endure. Jaemin endured the entire time and its your time to gamble.

While Jaemin was still devouring every inch of your skin, you took this chance to touch his clothed member- already rock hard, seeking freedom from the confinement of his pants. You traced it before gripping it through the fabric, making Jaemin hiss in pleasure.

"Take.. it off." Barely composing a sentence, Jaemin understood the assignment and pulled away, to undress himself. His top came off first, and just like a reflex, your hands quickly find his toned chest, down to his abs. You can't help but bite your lip, seeing his body again after so long. The only difference is, this time, he has a more mature build.

Tracing your hand down to his lower abdomen, and even much lower, and helped him undo his pants. As he disregarded all of his clothes, he didn't waste time and quickly lowered himself again to you. Kissing you with burning passion, he grind his hips onto yours, and you felt his hard length poking your thigh.

Using your hand, you grabbed it by the base, Jaemin reacting so sensitive made you excited. Your hands doing up and down motion, pointing finger tracing the slit on his pinkish tip.

"Fuck.. fuck baby, god." Jaemin couldn't help but groan deeply, urging you to move faster. Your movement all of a sudden halt, as Jaemin held your wrist, stopping you. "I'm gonna cum if you keep doing that." His dark voice whispered.

"Already?" You smirked at him.

"You underestimate your effect on me, baby." Truly, you were the only person who could melt Jaemin into a puddle if you wanted to.

His hand balancing himself on top of you, as the other held his cock, lining himself onto your entrance.

"Ah.. ah, shit," You moaned, caused by the stretch. A slight tinge of pain but quickly replaced by a wave of intense pleasure as he deeply plunges until you take all of him.

"So.. so fucking tight, oh fuck." Jaemin waited for your signal to keep moving. Which you did, by lifting your hips up to create any sort of movement. He swiftly pull out, just to go in again.

"I love you," Jaemin cried from pleasure, his tempo slowly gaining speed.

"I love you so much," you replied, grabbing his face to look at you as he fucks you with intense affection.

"Y/n, y/n.. I love you." He repeated like a mantra, going in and out repeatedly. You can feel your insides creating a bubble-- soon going to pop. He examines all of your features, "Cum for me." He murmured.

You nodded in response, biting your lip, yet not losing eye contact. A sudden wave of pleasure struck, and before you knew it, you're shaking under him. "I.. I love you."

"I'm cumming, shi..." You locked your legs on his waist, as he stilled so deep, reaching levels of your insides no one has ever reachex before. He cums, deep inside you and you felt his warm, thick ropes of cum paint your insides. His body collapses on top of you, heavy breathing surrounded the apartment.

Honestly, Jaemin didn't care if you hurt him again, Heck, break him again and again. Run away if you can, but he would make sure that he'll be here, always waiting for you. Break his heart for all he cares. You'll only find yourself there.

"Let's go, baby. They can't wait to meet you." Jaemin smiled at you softly, opening the car door before letting you in.

"I really get the feeling that they hate me." You nervously said, as Jaemin went around the car and sat at the driver seat.

"They actually did, back then. But now they're a lot less dumber." You laughed at him.

This was the first time Jaemin will introduce you to his friends. Even tho you knew that they already know you from the past, you wanted to introduce your new self. The self thats much better.

As you arrived at their shared apartment, you can already hear the noise behind the door. You looked at Jaemin with anticipation, as he opened the door.

"There she is! Hi, y/n!" Haechan, which you have encountered before, greeted you with a big smile. He was approaching with wide arms, which Jaemin quickly swats away.

"No." Jaemin simply says as he put his arms around you and dragged you further in the house.

There, you saw Jeno and Renjun playing Jenga. As soon as you sat down, the tower had fallen. Renjun frowning, Jeno with a big smile.

"Oh hi, y/n. Renjun just lost in Jenga, again." The cocky grin was present in Jeno's face.

"That doesn't count! We should play again, this time with y/n!"

You were quiet, but not because you were uncomfortable, but because you were slowly digesting everything. You felt so belonged with these people that its felt a bit weird, in a good way.

You smiled at them, looking back at Jaemin who's walking towards you with a drink in hand. "Thirsty, baby?" His smile was enchanting, and so, so gorgeous.

The time goes on and it all felt natural. It was the first time you saw Jaemin laugh that much, and it made you happier than ever. Then and there, you have concluded that you will never hurt this man again. This time, you'll try to make this work, because you knew he was the only one for you.

And even if the gods and the heaven above curse you for loving selfishly, you wouldn't care. Jaemin is the perfect man for you. And you can't let that smile fade again.

"What're you thinking?" Jaemin whispered, above all the noise from his friends.

"I love you."

And if you thought Jaemin's smile couldn't get any bigger, it did.

"I love you." He answered.

This time, you'll get your happy ending. You choose your happiness and Jaemin. Forever, you will choose Jaemin. Because you realize that after everything, even fiction itself, got nothing on this man.

A/N: I know it took so long to publish but again, I'm a bit busy! But how was it?? I hope you liked the first installation of my series, diary of the heart breakers! Thank you so much.

taglist: @cutiepeas @legbouk@hyuckissed @bockhyun @hibernatinghamster@shookyungsoo@sundamariis@sharkipoonis@ohmykwonsoonyoung@carelessshootanonymous

next part >> Inevitably Yours

[duhragonball]

Chainsaw Man ch.1-4

Put the kids to bed, lock your doors, and grease your sprocket bearings, because July 31 was yesterday and that means it's

That's right, it's finally time to liveblog that popular manga series by Tatsuki Fujimoto, His and Her Circumstances. No, wait! I keep forgetting the name of this thing. Sorry. No, we're actually going to spend this month covering Chainsaw Man.

To be honest, I don't actually know a whole lot about this thing, except that it stars a man with chainsaws for his hands and face. And there's this spooky hot lady in it. That's... yeah, that's about it. Does his dick turn into a chainsaw too? Is the spooky hot lady underage? Well, I learned a long time ago that I'll never get a straight answer unless I read the thing for myself.

This was actually a recommendation from @rakruined way back in 2021. It's taken me this long to get to it, but suffice to say the internet buzz for this thing got my attention. I've seen cosplayers, discourse, reblogs of popular scenes, but none of it really makes much sense beyond "These are characters from a popular manga". So let's dive in and see if I can't form my own opinions.

I'm only planning to cover the first 97 chapters, because my understanding is that this was the first part of CSM and the second part is still ongoing. Also, I only set aside a month for this, and I doubt I can cover much more than a hundred manga chapters in that time. If this goes well, we might look into the rest of CSM in the future.

Now, before we get too deep in the weeds, I think we need to establish one thing up front. This is a completely new series for me, and I know nothing about this Tatsuki Fujimoto. It's all well and good to write a manga about chainsaws, but is he just doing this for a quick paycheck? Is he riding the wave of chainsaw hype? I guess what I'm asking is: Does he even like chainsaws? Or is he some phony?

Okay then. I think we can do business here.

So this story is about a sixteen-year-old boy named Denji, who is deep in debt. To pay it down, he sold one of his eyes, a testicle, and some other organs. He cuts trees for a living. Also he hunts devils, since there seems to be a lot of money to be made in that line of work. Unfortunately, it might still take a livetime to pay back what he owes, and he's stuck living in abject poverty until he does.

In one scene, Denji eats a cigarette for some spare cash, which he uses to buy enough bread to eat one slice a day. He's heard people put jam on their bread, but he can't even afford this.

Denji's only friend is a devil named Pochita. Shortly after Denji's father died and the Yakuza threatened to kill Denji unless he repaid a bunch of his dad's debt, Pochita wandered up to the gravesite. Denji resigned himself to debt, but noticed Pochita was injured, so he allowed Pochita to bite him, since human blood is supposed to help devil's regenerate their bodies. Denji called this a contract, where they would help each other survive. And with Pochita's help, Denji hired himself out to the Yakuza as a Devil Hunter to pay his debts.

But this not-so-cozy arrangement doesn't last. One night the gang takes Denji to some spooky lair to take down a devil, but they reveal it was a trap. The gang tried to make a deal with this devil for greater power, except this devil's power turns humans into zombie slaves, so it's not much of a bargain. Anyway, this devil sics his army on Denji and they chop him and Pochita to bits.

Huh. Well, it was pretty short, but the art was nice. I wonder if that lady was from some other series... Oh wait, we're not done.

At some point during their friendship, Denji told Pochita that if he ever died while Devil hunting, then he wanted Pochita to merge with his body. Or something like that. Denji only knows that devils can do that sort of thing, and Denji's proposing this because he thinks Pochita would be able to survive on his own more easily this way. So when the bad guys dump their remains in a dumpster, Pochita begins putting all their pieces together.

Denji wakes up to discover his wounds are healed. He even has his right eye back, and presumably that one testicle he sold. Also he's got pull cord sticking out of his chest, similar to the one Pochita had for a tail. In some sort of dream or hallucination, Pochita tells him that this is another contract between them. He'll be Denji's heart, and in return Denji will go on sharing his dreams with Pochita, because Pochita always enjoyed listening to Denji's dreams of a better life.

But the devil who killed Denji is still there, and he's pissed that Denji somehow survived. It occurs to him that the mobsters were just like him, even though they had a lot more money and power. They had aspirations for more, which led them to dealing with the devil who made them zombies.

But they clearly followed their ambitions to a bad end. Denji pulls the cord on his chest and turns into some sort of man-like creature with chainsaws coming out of him. A "chainsaw man", if you will. At first the devil thinks that means Denji is on his side, but Denji still considers himself a Devil Hunter, and killing all of these guys will wipe out his debt. I don't know if he means the payout for this caper will clear the debt, or if he thinks killing all these Yazuka-zombies will wipe the slate clean. Maybe both.

When the slaughter is finished, he changes back to normal, and is discovered by a different group of Devil Hunters. Led by Makima, these guys are with "Public Safety", so I assume they're a government agency, as opposed to civilian devil hunters like Denji.

Makima senses that Denji is somehow both human and devil, so she gives him a choice: Either she kills him as a devil, he can serve her organization as a human. She refers to him like a pet, which Denji seems to accept readily, because all he wants right now is food. She promises him bread with jam, and some other stuff, but honestly, she had him at "bread with jam."

True to her word, Makima takes Denji out for a meal, but before he can eat, a civilian shows up talking about a devil who abducted daughter. Makima doesn't want her noodles to get soggy, so she tells Denji to handle this alone.

Aren't noodles... supposed to be soggy? Like, the idea is to soak them in boiling water to make them soft. How much wetter can they get? I'm thinking of like chicken noodle soup here.

Anyway, Denji tries to object, since he's exhausted and starving, but Mikama insists. He's her dog now, and she has no use for dogs who don't follow orders. So he's got no choice.

It doesn't take long for Denji to find the girl and the devil, but the girl pleads for the devil's life, claiming they're friends, and her dad abuses her. Denji can sympathize, since he was friends with Pochita, after all. So for a little while he's conflicted, but he suggests that the three of them can run away together and escape from her father and Makima. But the whole thing is a setup. The devil was controlling the little girl with his powers and tries to ambus Denji. But he failed to consider one thing...

That thing is chainsaws. I believe it was Sun Tzu who wrote: "When setting a trap for your enemy, first make certain that he cannot turn himself into a monster with chainsaws for hands."

Denji succeeds in his mission, so Makima finally lets him eat. She even feeds him, since he's so worn out from the transformation. The noodles are soggy, but he doesn't care, because he's been living on bread this whole time. Also, he's got the hots for Makima, so working with her is a pretty cool arrangement.

Or it would be, except Makima takes him to their headquarters and assigns him to work with some dickhead named Aki Hayakawa.

It's around here that Makima's whole manipulation bit comes into focus. This isn't some one-sided infatuation here, where the girl has no idea how the boy feels about her. Makima is clearly aware of Denji's feelings and she's perfectly willing to use them to get what she wants out him. And she can get more out of him by constantly keeping herself just out of his reach. Oh, we're going to be working together all the time... well no we won't, you'll be spending most of your time working with my other subordinates.

It's a bait-and-switch that I find... Well, let's just say "surprisingly relatable". Denji's too young to know how this turns out, so he thinks if he goes through all the hoops he'll earn Makima's favor, except she has no interest in favoring him. He's just a curiosity, to be discarded when he's no longer compliant or useful.

When they're alone in an alley, Aki beats Denji up and tells him to quit. He can tell Denji's only in this because he's got the hots for Makima, and Denji admits it. Aki feels that Denji's not cut out for this work because his motives are too shallow. Only those with strong motivations and conviction can hack it in this business. But as Aki turns his back on Denji, he's forgotten one thing.

Knee to the groin.

Aki made a nice speech, but here's Denji's rebuttal: He actually got treated like a person today, which might seem shallow to some, but for Denji, it's a dream come true, and he'd go to any length to keep this new lifestyle going. Aki thought he could scare Denji out of this with a simple beating, but Denji got killed yesterday, so you're not gonna run him off with a few punches. Also, Denji's willing to fight dirty. I'm sure Aki has some kind of badass fighting style, but Denji's fighting style is to focus all attacks on the balls, and it seems to work well.

And this is why I'm not impressed with Aki as a character so far. He doesn't approve of Denji, and he's clearly intended to be a "rival" character, and he's very serious motivations for devil hunting, but so far he hasn't shown us anything that makes him worth having around. We've already seen people treat Denji like shit--hell, that's all anybody ever does in this comic. What makes Aki such hot shit?

Anyway, Makima wants Denji and Aki in the same squad. Aki's the leader of the squad, but Makima wants to pick a roster with a "unique experimental setup."

Their first mission together is to kill a fiend. This is just another devil, but one who has taken possession of a human corpse. Isn't that what Pochita did to Denji? Apparently not, Aki says, although how the hell would he know? I guess the difference is that Denji can switch back and forth between human and devil form, while fiends are stuck in this one form.

Anyway, Aki wants Denji to kill this fiend so he can see his devil powers in action, but Denji decides to decapitate him with an axe instead. Why? Denji says that his chainsaw powers are kind of painful, and he wanted to give this fiend a quick, merciful death.

Aki gets all pissy over this and warns Denji that he shouldn't waste any sympathy on devils. Aki also informs him that a devil killed his entire family in front of him, which is probably what got him so motivated to do this kind of work.

Aki leaves in disgust, and Denji reveals the real reason he held back: He wanted this guy's dirty magazines, and all that chainsaw-slingin' might have gotten blood all over the pages.

Denji reflects on his recent good fortune, and realizes that he still wants more, even though he's already succeeded beyond his wildest ambitions. What is his true goal? The other devil hunters and the police want to protect their families, and Aki wants revenge, and Makima wants... something, probably. What does Denji want?

He concludes the answer is to touch boobs. Now, I saw someone on Twitter the other day trying to paint Denji with the same "anime pervert" brush used for characters like Master Roshi. That misses the point. Denji is a teenage boy, an orphan living in a violent world, forced into indentured servitude to the Yakuza, and now forcibly recruited into Makima's group. Until now, the best he could hope for is some jam for his bread.

The joke with Roshi, tasteless as it may be, is that he's introduced as this "Invincible Old Master" who's advanced so far in the martial arts that he's above all worldly desires and concerns... except he's still a giant horndog like teenage boy. Denji is a teenage boy. It's not the same thing.

I should also point out that Denji, lonely and desperate as he is, recognizes that he can't just go up to Makima and ask to touch her boobs. That would be awkward, even if she likes him. That's something Master Roshi couldn't figure out for literal centuries. It's not the same thing at all.

What we're seeing here is Denji advancing up Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. You know the one.

Usually this gets turned into a meme, where someone will color most of the diagram in and label it with something they like. But for Denji, he literally started at the bottom and he's working his way up. He achieved physiological safety when he met Pochita, who could help him kill devils and help him pay down his debts. He achieved safety when he merged with Pochita and Makima recruited him. Now that he's physically secure and has a meal in him, he's thinking about the next level: belonging and love.

I mean, he calls it "touching boobs", but come on. He's never been to school, his parents died when he was young, and he's been living hand to mouth for years. He doesn't know how to articulate any of this. That doesn't make him a bad person.

Anyway, Makima later introduces Denji to the next member of this squad, Power. She's a fiend, like the one Denji killed earlier, but she's part of this devil hunting group. Makima wants Denji and Power to work together as a team building exercise.

And Denji's fine with that, because Power has boobs, and he might find a way to touch them if he plays his cards right.

Overall, this is a promising start. I feel like I still haven't gotten to the true appeal of the characters yet, but I'm sure we'll get there.

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 7/23

What Am I Feeling Today?

Feeling relieved. I was able to resolve some things with financial aid so I’ll definitely be finishing my senior year. I was also given the charge of doing a forgiveness study for my father and I feel good about completing that. At work today I’ll have a meeting about when I can start residency and that whole process so I’m really excited! I so badly want to be in the ER! One of my friends from church also works at the same hospital as me and we plan on sharing faith together after work this week which I’m looking forward to♥️

TESTED & TEMPTED

Matthew 3:16 through Matthew 4:11

“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “ ‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

1. What happened to Jesus after his baptism? What should you expect after your baptism?

He was led by the Spirit into the wilderness and tempted by the devil. I can’t expect the devil to come after me too, just because I’m saved doesn’t mean that he’ll give up on tempting me.

2. How was Jesus tempted to question his relationship with God? God's plan for him?

The devil came back at him with scripture, using the same tactic as he did with Eve (e.g., did God really say that?).

3. How has Satan tempted you with doubts/insecurity/fears since your baptism?

He has had me question my salvation. I know that I got made into a disciple, I know I confessed all the sins weighing on my heart, I know I forgave, I know that I took all these steps before getting baptized and yet I still have this nagging bit on the back of my mind of “are you sure? are you really saved?”.

4. How did Jesus use the Bible to fight temptation? How does the Bible expose Satan's lies?

Jesus used other scriptures to combat his lies. He know what the word was and got his strength from it. The Bible is the truth, there’s no getting around it. If we rely on that fully instead of what we think or feel, we’ll be solid and firm against Satan.

Ephesians 6:10-18

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

1. How might the devil scheme against you?

Temptations from my past. There are some things that I can look back to, missing certain people, certain times from my life. But I know we’re told not to look back and it’s my goal to keep my mind on the present and what God says.

2. What armor has God provided to keep you strong?

The belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with the gospel, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and sword of the spirit.

3. What is our only "weapon" against Satan (v. 17)?

The word of God is our only and greatest weapon against Satan. This further shows the importance of reading our Bible every single day because it is what protects us, if we keep His word on our hearts daily.

APPLICATION: Expect to be tempted and decide to be open about your struggles. Talk with another Christian today about your temptations and pray together

[3-heartstyle]

OC Info Sheet: Layla "Llorona" Montez

This lovely lady!!

Hair: indigo, long & curly (until Cora burns some by accident then it becomes a bob)

Eye color: golden yellow 

Height: 5'9.5

Age: start of story 26, cora's death 29, when reunited with law 42

Devil fruit: Wail Wail Fruit- a person with extreme grief gives out a loud sound wave that triggers anyone within it's radius an extreme fear induced reaction (fight creates destructive self harm, flight will take any means necessary ways to flee, and freeze will leave them paralyzed for 2 minutes) 

The stem is red and the rest is a dark blue. Turn it upside down to see the face :D

Background: Born and raised in a cluster of isles called Mariposa Island, an artisan place where butterflies and florals are the main inspiration. 

Grandparents were from Dressrosa, it's where she got her accent

Married a man named Nicolas Estrada very young (22 & 23) and had a son named Lucas (4)  (Both now deceased)

She worked as a jeweler, while her husband was a perfumer. 

Her Story: Pirates destroyed her town in search of a hidden devil fruit, killing her husband. When she found his body the devil fruit was hidden with him. She ate it hoping to use it's power to stop the pirates but nothing happened.

She then goes back to her own house to find it on fire and rushed in there to rescue her son, burning herself in the process. When she tries to put out the fire in a river nearby, she unintentionally drowns her son to death. (You can easily tell I'm using the ghost myth of Llorona for inspiration)

Grief struck, she uses the devil fruit power to chase away/killed everyone in town. She was later found by Giolla and Diamante who were on a mission/shopping trip. They take her to Doflamingo who decides to keep her as part of the family. Reality is that he wants to weaponize the fruit.

Cora tries his best to get her out/make her life less miserable since he can't scare her away. He does fall in love in her eventually but hides it out of guilt and in fear that Doffy will use it against him.

When Law shows up, Layla grows more attached to him compared to other kids due to the fact he looks like her dead son (both have dark hair and golden eyes). It felt like a second chance of saving him from death.

She falls for Corazon when he speaks to her for the first time. "Come with us. We'll find a cure for Law and get you far away from this life." Law finds their lovey dovey stuff stupid and gross.

Fun facts:

A romantic at heart, enjoys the arts

Favorite food: pan de dulce (sweet bread), specially conchas (melon bread?) 

Least favorite: anything pickled really 

Favorite color: a soft blue

Flower to represent her: Snowdrops (Meaning: A symbol of sympathy and condolence, "with death comes rebirth." Snowdrops can be used in other ways as a symbol or representation of hope, renewal, and comfort in rituals, ceremonies, or meditation.)

Birthday: April 7th

Hobbies: singing, collecting sea glass

Law calls her "Yona"

Song to give her: My Love Mine All Mine - mitski

Not so fun facts:

The tear streaks down her face started as makeup but Doflamingo makes them into tattoos as a punishment for attempting to leave

Doflamingo used Sugar's ability to make Layla a doll for years as a punishment to escape during the Dressrosa takeover

Since it follows the canon story, Layla gets captured and separated because of Vergo

[frmartinshomiliesandreflections]

26th February >> Fr. Martin’s Gospel Reflections / Homilies on Matthew 4:1-11 for the First Sunday of Lent, Cycle A: ‘Angels appeared and looked after him’.

First Sunday of Lent, Cycle A

Gospel (Except USA)

Matthew 4:1-11

The temptation in the wilderness.

Jesus was led by the Spirit out into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, after which he was very hungry, and the tempter came and said to him, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to turn into loaves.’ But he replied, ‘Scripture says:

Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’

The devil then took him to the holy city and made him stand on the parapet of the Temple. ‘If you are the Son of God’ he said ‘throw yourself down; for scripture says:

He will put you in his angels’ charge, and they will support you on their hands in case you hurt your foot against a stone.’

Jesus said to him, ‘Scripture also says:

You must not put the Lord your God to the test.’

Next, taking him to a very high mountain, the devil showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendour. ‘I will give you all these’ he said, ‘if you fall at my feet and worship me.’ Then Jesus replied, ‘Be off, Satan! For scripture says:

You must worship the Lord your God, and serve him alone.’

Then the devil left him, and angels appeared and looked after him.

Gospel (USA)

Matthew 4:1–11

Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights and was tempted.

At that time Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. He fasted for forty days and forty nights, and afterwards he was hungry. The tempter approached and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command that these stones become loaves of bread.” He said in reply, “It is written:

One does not live on bread alone,    but on every word that comes forth    from the mouth of God.”

Then the devil took him to the holy city, and made him stand on the parapet of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written:

   He will command his angels concerning you    and with their hands they will support you, lest you dash your foot against a stone.”

Jesus answered him, “Again it is written,

You shall not put the Lord, your God, to the test.”

Then the devil took him up to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in their magnificence, and he said to him, “All these I shall give to you, if you will prostrate yourself and worship me.” At this, Jesus said to him, “Get away, Satan! It is written:

The Lord, your God, shall you worship    and him alone shall you serve.”

Then the devil left him and, behold, angels came and ministered to him.

Reflections (5)

(i) First Sunday of Lent

Last Wednesday we began a seven week Lenten journey. We conclude that journey on Easter Sunday, when we are invited to renew our baptismal promises. Lent is a time when we reflect on our baptism and on what it means to live out our baptism every day. It is a journey during which we try to enter more fully into the person we have become at our baptism, our baptismal identity. At our baptism, we were clothed with Christ; we became one with Christ in a special way; his Spirit was poured into our hearts. Our baptismal calling is to allow Christ, the Lord, to live his life in and through us, to allow him to grow in us. We spend our lives trying to answer this call. We know that our baptismal identity is regularly put to the test. We are often tempted to take paths that are not in harmony with our baptismal calling. Jesus knew that our relationship with him would often be put to the test. That is why the prayer he gave us includes the petition, ‘Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil’. The Lord doesn’t lead us into temptation. We are really asking the Lord to strengthen us when our relationship with him is put to the test, when we are tempted to take a path that will lead us away from him. We are asking him to keep us faithful to him when temptation comes our way.

This Sunday’s gospel reading shows that Jesus himself had to deal with temptation. This gospel scene comes immediately after Jesus’ baptism when a heavenly voice announced, ‘This is my Son, the Beloved; my favour rests on him’. This was a statement of Jesus’ baptismal identity. He was the beloved Son of God, on whom God’s favour rested. It was this baptismal identity that was put to the test in the wilderness. That is why the first two temptations begin with the phrase, ‘If you are the Son of God…’ He was firstly tempted to turn stones into bread, on the basis that God could not be trusted to provide for him. He was being tempted to provide for himself, to serve his own interests. The gospels go on to show that he would multiply loaves of bread only to feed other people’s hunger. He has come not to serve himself but to serve others. Jesus was then tempted to throw himself down from a high point of the Temple in Jerusalem, to test whether or not he was really God’s beloved Son whom God would protect. Jesus didn’t need to put God to the test in this way. He knew in his heart of hearts that he was God’s beloved Son, that God would always be faithful to him. His mission was to share God’s faithful love with all of God’s people. He was finally tempted to worship Satan as a shortcut to the power and glory associated with the kingdoms of this world. However, Jesus knew that he had come to proclaim the kingdom of God, which stands over against the kingdoms of the world, and this involved trusting God, surrendering to God’s purpose for his life. Jesus’ baptismal identity was being put to the test in the wilderness. If he failed this test, everything else would fail. However, Jesus did not fail the test. He was true to his relationship with God and to the mission God had given him at his baptism. To repel these temptation, Jesus turned trustingly towards God, especially towards the word of God in the Scriptures. He repelled each temptation with a word from the Jewish Scriptures.

These temptations did not finish when he began his public ministry. He had to deal with them in various forms right up until his death. On one occasion, Peter tempted him to take a path that didn’t involve the way of the cross, and Jesus had to say to him, ‘Get behind me, Satan’. In the garden of Gethsemane, he was strongly tempted to save himself from the cruel death that awaited him. ‘Take this cup from me’, he prayed. As he hung from the cross, various groups of people tempted him to come down from the cross and to save himself. Each time he was put to the test, he remained faithful to God who loved him. There is a verse in the letter to the Hebrews that I find very consoling, ‘We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with us in our weaknesses, but we have one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin’. When what is best in us is put to the test, the Lord has been there before us. He knows our struggle from the inside. When we fail the test, as Adam and Eve did in our first reading, the Lord sympathizes with us, he understands. Rather than condemn us, he is there to help and support us. As Saint Paul says in our second reading, ‘the good act of the one man brings everyone life’. When we fall, all is not lost. At such moments, we can confidently make our own the prayer of today’s responsorial psalm, ‘Give me again the joy of your help’.

And/Or

(ii) First Sunday of Lent

 It has often been said that conflict in life is inevitable. What matters is how such conflict is handled and dealt with. The ‘peace process’, as it has become know, is an effort to deal with a conflict on our own island, one that has brought death and destruction to many. The hopes that were present before Christmas for significant progress in the resolution of that conflict have been dealt a serious blow in recent weeks. We continue to hope and pray that those who are best placed to bring some resolution to this conflict will not give up on their efforts. We are aware of conflict in other parts of the world, particularly in the land of Jesus. There seems to be some hopeful signs of progress in the resolution of that long standing conflict. In the narrower sphere of our own lives, we can find ourselves from time to time in some form of conflict with others. We sometimes need to call on a third party to help us to resolve such conflict.

 We can also be aware of conflict within ourselves; we can be pulled in two different directions at once. Sometimes we know deep down that one of the two directions we are being pulled in will not serve us or others well. We have traditionally spoken of this as an experience of temptation. The gospel reading describes Jesus’ experience of temptation. We are given a glimpse into an inner conflict as he begins his public ministry. At his baptism, Jesus had an experience of God his Father, assuring him that he was the beloved Son, and filling him with the Holy Spirit. Shortly after his baptism in the Jordan, he had a very different king of experience in the wilderness, an experience of Satan, tempting him to take a very different path to the one on which his baptism had launched him. At his baptism, Jesus was sent forth by the Father in the service of others; in the wilderness, Satan tempts him to be self-serving - to look out for his own physical needs, to gain a following by indulging in the spectacular, to sell his soul for the sake of power and status. The gospel reading portrays what must have been a very real experience of temptation for Jesus; it gives us a glimpse of a very real conflict within him. At the very end of Jesus’ public ministry, we are given a glimpse of another conflict within Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, he struggled with the temptation to avoid the cross that lay before him by pulling back from the mission which began at his baptism. On both occasions, at the beginning and end of his ministry, in the wilderness and in Gethsemane, Jesus resisted the temptation that assailed him. He resolved his inner conflict in favour of remaining faithful to God’s call and to the mission that God had entrusted to him.

 The letter to the Hebrews says of Jesus that ‘he has been tempted as we are’. In becoming like us, Jesus experienced temptation as we do. None of us are strangers to temptation. We have all known our own version of Jesus’ wilderness and Gethsemane experiences. If it was a struggle at times for Jesus to remain faithful to God’s call, it will certainly be a struggle for us. We will find ourselves pulled in a direction that does not correspond to God’s will for our lives. Unlike Jesus, we will sometimes find ourselves taking that direction, going down a path that does not correspond to what God wants for us. In that sense, the story of Adam and Eve in the garden, which we read in today’s first reading, is the story of us all. According to that story, God allowed Adam and Eve to eat of the fruit of all the trees in the garden, except one. They had great scope to enjoy the goodness of God’s creation, but there was a limit. They were tempted to ignore this limit, to reach for something that was out of bounds for them, and they surrendered to that temptation. Their failure to be faithful to what God asked of them stands in sharp contrast to the faithfulness of Jesus in today’s gospel reading. St. Paul in today’s second reading reflects on that contrast between Adam and Christ, between what he calls the fall of Adam and the good act of Christ.

 If the story of Adam and Eve is very much our story, St. Paul would remind us that the story of Jesus can also be our story. We have been baptized into Christ; we receive him in the Eucharist; his Spirit has been given to us. When we are tempted, therefore, we do not stand alone. At such moments, the Lord is present within us and around us, helping us to be faithful to God’s will for our lives as he was. The Lord wants to live out his faithfulness to God in each one of our lives; his grace is at work in our lives to enable us to be as faithful to God as he was. Lent is a season when we are called to move from being an Adam figure to becoming more of a Christ figure. It is a time when we consciously strive to allow our lives to be shaped more by the story of Jesus than the story of Adam. In Lent we try to identify the temptations that are most significant for us; we acknowledge honestly the ways in which we have surrendered to such temptations, and we invite the Lord to enter our lives more fully, so that the story of his faithfulness to God’s call becomes our story to a greater degree. If that happens for us this Lent, even is some small way, we will stand with confidence to renew our baptismal promises this coming Easter Sunday.

And/Or

(iii) First Sunday of Lent

 When any one of us looks into our hearts with any degree of honesty, we become aware that we are not all that we could be. We can identify situations we were in that we did not deal with as well as we might have. We can think of people that we did not relate to as well as we might have. If we have values that we try to live by, and most of us do, we recognize ways in which we failed to live according to those values. As Christians we take our values from the gospels and the New Testament in general. We hear the call to follow Jesus, to allow him to live out his life in and through us. Yet, we know that we do not always respond to that call or follow through on it. To that extent, the story of Adam and Eve in today’s first reading is the story of us all. They heard God’s word; they intended to keep that word, but when their fidelity to that word was put to the test, they failed the test. They acted in a way that was contrary to God’s word; they put what they wanted before what God wanted. What we have come to call the original sin, since the time of Augustine, is perhaps better called the typical sin, the sin of us all. Adam and Eve are everyone. Paul acknowledges as much in this morning’s first reading. Having stated that ‘sin entered the world through one man’, he immediately goes on to state, ‘everyone has sinned’.

 There is an emphasis on the reality of sin in the readings for this first Sunday of Lent. That emphasis is certainly there in the first reading, and, to some extent, in the second reading as well. Yet, in this morning’s gospel reading there is no trace of sin. That, of course, is because the gospel reading is not really about us; it is not about everyone. It is a story about one man who was unique, at least in one respect. The letter to the Hebrews speaks of Jesus as one who ‘in every respect has been tested as we are, yet without sin’. Like Adam and Eve he heard God’s word; like them, his fidelity to God’s word was put to the test; unlike them, he passed the test. He remained true to his identity as the faithful Son of God. The gospel reading this morning, then, tells a very different story to the story told by the first reading. Those two reading are at opposite ends of a spectrum. Then we have the second reading which comes between those two opposites. Paul in that reading is aware of both of those stories, the story of sin and the story of grace, the story of Adam and the story of Christ. Paul contrast what he calls ‘one man’s fall’ and ‘the good act of one man’. Both of those acts, Paul says, have consequences for all of us. Both the story of sin and the story of grace have left their mark on us. Yet Paul is convinced that the story of grace, the story of Jesus, has left a much more significant mark on us that the story of sin, the story of Adam. That is why he says in that reading, ‘the results of the gift (of grace) outweigh the results of one man’s sin’. A few verses just beyond where our second reading ends, Paul puts that conviction very succinctly, ‘where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more’.

 As we begin Lent the readings remind us of the reality of sin and temptation and of our proneness to yield to temptation; they remind us that the story of Adam and Eve can easily become our story. More importantly, however, the readings also remind us that Jesus’ victory over sin is also our victory and that his story can also be our story. We have been baptized into Christ; his Spirit has been poured into our lives; he lives among us and within each of us. He is all the time working to live out his own life of faithfulness to God in us and among us. There is a power within us and among us greater than the power of sin, and that is the power of the risen Lord. In one of his other letters Paul says, ‘it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me’. That is something we can all say, to some extent. The realization that Christ lives in us, that his power is at work within and among us, and that this power is greater than the power of sin, gives us hope, makes us confident as we try to keep on taking the path the Lord is calling us to take. We may fall down, but the Lord is there to lift us to our feet again; we may struggle with some weakness or other, but it is never a doomed struggle because, a Paul says, ‘his power at work within us can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine’. When we struggle, he struggles with us. Lent is a time to allow the risen Lord to live out his victory over sin in our lives more fully, so that when Easter comes we can renew our baptism promises with conviction.

And/Or

(iv) First Sunday of Lent

 Today is the first Sunday of Lent. The colour of the vestments has changed from green to purple. The flowers have gone from the altar. This is a sober season in the church’s year. The readings for the first Sunday of Lent have a sober theme to them, the theme of sin and temptation. Probably the context in which we use the word ‘temptation’ most frequently is in the Lord’s Prayer, ‘Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil’. In these two petitions, Jesus was teaching us to take the reality of temptation seriously, to take evil seriously. We need to keep on asking God to deliver us from evil, to keep us from falling when we are tempted, when we are put to the test.

 Jesus himself knew the power of temptation. This morning’s gospel reading is Matthew’s account of how Jesus experienced the power of temptation just after his baptism and just before he began his public ministry. This was a fundamental temptation that was directed to the very core of his identity. At his baptism Jesus’ identity as Son of God was affirmed by God, ‘You are my Son, the beloved’. It was that identity, which defined who Jesus was, that was put to the test in the wilderness. The first two temptations begin with the phrase, ‘If you are the Son of God...’ It was Jesus’ fundamental trust in God as Son that was being put to the test. He was tempted to turn stones into bread, on the basis that God could not be trusted to provide for him. He was tempted to throw himself down from the pinnacle of the temple to test whether he was really God’s beloved whom God would protect. He was tempted to worship Satan as a shortcut to power and glory rather than trusting God and surrendering to God’s purpose for his life. The core of who Jesus was being put to the test. If he failed this test, everything else would fail. His ministry would be ineffective before it had begun. Jesus did not fail to test. He was true to his relationship with God; he relied on God alone, and in particular on God’s word, to repel the temptation to behave in a way that was contrary to the person that he was.

 Jesus included a petition relating to temptation in the Lord’s Prayer because he knew that our own baptismal identity would be put to the test, just as his was. As Christians, the fundamental relationship in our lives is our relationship with God and our relationship with God’s Son, Jesus, and it is that relationship which will be put to the test more than once in our lives. At our baptism we became sons and daughters of God in Christ, members of the body of Christ, the church, and temples of the Holy Spirit. That is who we are as baptized in people, and it is that which will be put to the test as we go through life. The baptism which we are about to celebrate reminds us of our own baptism and gives us an opportunity to renew our own baptism. When we witness a baptism we hear the call to be faithful to our own baptismal identity when it is put to the test. This morning we also have among us some of the children who are to make their confirmation this coming month of May. Confirmation is a moment when we confirm our baptism in a very public way. Our parents brought us to the baptismal font to be baptized, but we bring ourselves to confirmation. The young people who are to be confirmed are being asked to stand up and to confirm their baptism for themselves. They are to say their own ‘yes’ to Jesus, just as in today’s gospel reading Jesus said his own ‘yes’ to God in spite of the strong temptation to do otherwise. The young people who are to be confirmed have each written a letter, with their parents’ approval, in which they state that they will stay away from alcohol, at least until a certain age, and that they will stay away from all dangerous drugs for life. In this way they promise to stay away from all those substances which will leave them vulnerable to temptation, the temptation to deny the person they have become through baptism, and the person they are called to be every day of their lives. They will bring forward their letter at the time that the bread and wine for the Mass is brought forward.

 We need good inner resources if we are to be faithful to our baptismal identity. The Lord himself is our primary resource in times of temptation; he is always praying for us. What he once said to Peter and his companions he says to us all, ‘Simon, Simon, Satan has demanded to sift you all like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail’. We should never be slow to draw on that rich resource of the Lord’s prayerful presence to us when temptation comes knocking on our door. God’s word is another great resource for us. Just like Jesus in the wilderness, we too can be strengthened by God’s word to remain faithful, if we allow that word to find a home in us.

And/Or

(v) First Sunday of Lent

 We have just begun the Season of Lent. There are no flowers decorating our altar. The colour of vestments has gone from green, the colour of life, to a more sombre purple. The gospel reading gives us the rather disturbing image of Jesus in the wilderness being tempted by Satan. Just after his baptism and before he begins his public ministry, Jesus spends forty days in the wilderness in fasting and prayer to prepare himself for what lay ahead. After that period of forty days, while still in the wilderness, Jesus was put to the test by Satan. The first two temptations begin with the words, ‘If you are the Son of God...’ These are subtle temptations. Satan recognizes Jesus’ identity as Son of God, as proclaimed by God at the time of Jesus’ baptism, ‘this is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased’. Yet, Satan puts that identity to the test by suggesting that Jesus use his power as Son of God to work extravagant miracles, turning stone into bread, jumping from the pinnacle of the Temple. Then he will quickly have a large following. People will always be impressed by extraordinary signs. The third temptation was also subtle. Jesus came to proclaim the presence of God’s kingdom, to create an alternate kingdom to all the various kingdoms of this world. Satan offers Jesus all these kingdoms of the world, the very goal of Jesus’ mission. However, such an offer comes with a huge price. Jesus must first worship Satan and not God.

 Jesus was tested in a very fundamental way in the wilderness. His very identity and the character of his life’s work were put to the test. He was tempted by what appeared to be a great good, a quick path to having a large following and acquiring dominion over all. Jesus came through this testing ordeal; he resisted the temptation, and remained faithful to the work that God had given him to do. The gospel reading suggests that what allowed Jesus to come through this time of temptation was the word of God. Jesus resisted each temptation, by quoting from the Scriptures, ‘We do not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God’; ‘You must not put the Lord your God to the test’; ‘You must worship the Lord your God and serve him alone’. The word of God guided and empowered him in this time of great vulnerability.

 When Jesus gave his disciples and all of us the prayer that has become known as the Lord’s prayer, it included the petition, ‘Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil’. Jesus seems to have been aware that just as he was tempted in a very fundamental way, so too would his followers be tempted. Just as his identity as Son of God was put to the test, so too would our own baptismal identity be tested. This gospel reading is placed at the very beginning of Lent because Lent is a season when we are invited to become more aware of the reality of temptation in our own lives. Jesus was tempted by what appeared on the surface to be something good, a quick and easy route to the coming of God’s kingdom. We are not usually tempted by what is obviously bad. Rather, temptations emerge out of some good that we selfishly desire for ourselves alone. The most memorable story of temptation in the Jewish Scriptures is the temptation of Adam and Eve which is our first reading this morning. The writer of that story understood the subtle nature of temptation, how what is good and pleasing has the greatest power to lead us astray. It is said of Eve that she saw that the tree that had been placed out of bounds by God was good to eat and pleasing to the eye and desirable for the knowledge that it could give. Strange as it sounds, goodness provides the occasion for temptation, the goodness around us in other people, in places and events, the goodness within us, in our talents and gifts. The power of goodness or beauty or knowledge is such that we can be tempted to pursue them in a selfish way, in a way that seeks to control them for our own personal advantage.

 If the first reading and the gospel reading remind us of the power and nature of temptation, Saint Paul in the second reading reminds us of an even great power at work among us and within us, and that is the power of God’s grace, released through the death and resurrection of Christ. In the words of Paul, ‘the good act of one man brings everyone life and makes them justified’. In the verse immediately following where our reading ends, Paul puts it very succinctly, ‘where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more’. In our struggle with temptation we have wonderful resources at our disposal, the Holy Spirit, the word of God, the sacraments, the inspiration of faithful followers of the Lord. We enter Lent in the knowledge that the Lord who was tempted in every way that we are is powerfully present to us in our own testing times, and will remain faithful to us even when we fail.

Fr. Martin Hogan.

[acmenvs3000w23]

Unit 09: Sense-Making of Nature Interpretation

“Fire is the devils only friend” is one of the lines in Don McLean’s song American Pie. First off, I love this song. Secondly, I think that line is partially wrong. Fire is the devil’s favourite friend. His other friend being humans. Humans do the work for the devil. By this I am referring to the fire suppression paradox. The fire suppression paradox is explained in the following:

The fire suppression paradox can be a good thing if it is used properly. For example, we supress fires that are in national and provincial parks for the safety of its visitors. Another example is supressing fires around farmland. Farmers cannot risk the loss of their crops. They need the crops to have an income and survive. However, with the fire suppression paradox in mind will this result in a build-up of uncontrolled fires that will have a larger affect in the future then letting fires take their natural course. On the other hand, many people also think that we should never interfere with fires. What are your thoughts on the use of fire suppression? When should we use it? When not?   

Furthermore, the fire suppression paradox depends on forest type. It was found that fine fuels (twigs, branches, needles, grasses) determine the intensity of the flaming front. However, fine fuels only increase in abundance every 25 years. The problem is that levels of fine fuels in stands versus downed stands were very similar. Meaning as forest age they are not becoming more flammable. Instead, forests are maintained by fire. Forests that have an open canopy allows for more seeds and species to germinate and survive on the forest floor. This results in more grazing which creates more surface fuels leading to surface fires. While closed canopy forests that have little understory vegetation and more prone to creating latter fuels which allows for fires to climb trees. However, this can vary depending on the different age canopy classes. As a result of this the fire suppression can only be used in open forests. Would other forest types differ?

The use of fire is more ancient than one may have thought. Aboriginal cultures in western Washington have used fire for more than one thing. First off, they used fires to creates the perfect foraging lands for elk and deer (Norton, 1979). However, more interestingly is that they used fire to create starch and fibre (Norton, 1979). Most starches and fibres cannot survive fires. However, Bracken is a fern that dies back in the fall and when fire does occur the root system is not harmed by fire (Norton, 1979). The root systems can then be used as a flour substitute in cakes and breads (Norton, 1979). It was a major part of aboriginal cultures in western Washingtons dietary needs. Aboriginal cultures learned how to both create fires and supress them when needed. If we can control fires, I believe that we can still use the fire suppression paradox, but we need to still consider forest type and duration of the fires to prevent the build-up of fuels. What are your thoughts?

Aaron

Norton, H. H. (1979). Evidence for Bracken Fern as a food for Aboriginal peoples of Western Washington. Economic Botany, 33(4), 384–396. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf02858334

[it-s-maria-dolores-world]

Keep Alert!

Our Daily Pain Matthew 4:44 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. ‘” Prayer: Abba Father God, I need You. You have given me everything I need to live a godly life, but this does not mean it is easy. Please help me to not waiver in my faith. Help me to be on guard against any attacks or lies from the devil. Give…

[libidomechanica]

Of swimmer, each port, and sad Winter clip, let kind there is

A tricube sequence

               1

If Maud were, it is, thou leaves remora.

Of swimmer, each port, and sad Winter

clip, let kind there is behold tree.

               2

The wind, as make them better, tu—whoo!

The fate, dulling roguish the brooke. I

cannot dull. Yet whose blended the snake!

               3

So sordid and shot any resemble

vain: a deep, the layd, doth please a

wicked fyne. And the morning cleare, life.

               4

Leave me to sip; but, I know. Say to

none back that all incredulous to

one of you like a lightened leeward.

               5

Low and alone, with diffusive got,

shall so strong the little to moue their

sand. To thy parts which He whom if you.

               6

In glide is must light, health answer meede

attempte to appearingly! And wel

with a grant your own Blood I dare this.

               7

Tho’ but his great is no better

returning reply, marrying. Such as

dews was the next he at cheap huge tress!

               8

Still green, as loue come and sparkling

heard of green upon his root, so the

lied. With music so soon this is dress.

               9

Carver’s could half a friendship! The Musk

she scorches so sharpely short then

glad poetes her sweet thou swear again.

               10

Yet sort of me. Betwixt kindled his

world such bread. Faire braunches the houses

were enough the mirage street is ill.

               11

And love’s closet of thy blacker prayer

man. And seal, without it inquiring

says I’m crying lookes dead!

               12

And shook at thus safely men a long

like dear, blush reposeth, to do. Therefore

hear from my one her weep. And there!

               13

I am sometime with find. But vain,

till tyranny is prayers wide a

bow hanged … or in equall good: the Bee.

               14

And quill, what excuse of the Poetes

praysd of my amiss. No doubt he a

waxed old won his longer lanes abyde.

               15

Nor would euery bit, who love, that Lucy

place be. For the was never chair,

her her. This is a lady- flowre, hence!

               16

It eats your brands embrace. Out the greets

they were deare abused: and pain nor wann’d

whence of highmost swell, when weeds were bowre.

               17

And to be kindlessly. Bound up his

head assay, then the whispered each pride

is must, at though those while yet too fair!

               18

Sin, and blowen she; if nature knows

them, as far away he workmanship,

war! The Poets say sleep or shall pray.

               19

And I flee. At the moment sleep is

prevailed aloud, and the been her now

thy memory, fair mail, and thou are.

               20

The glooming, that by the bestow, since

I carry lay: som hevene it

embaseth, stroke— a war? To thy new voice!

               21

She giue dare? Now I haue purest for

though the Virgin all weep it will in

mine more sweet on the change; intrigue witch!

               22

Smell the fiend be fill this like need water’s

at heart from Phebus chaungerous

conceaue: throat warm. Any shore, that perseuer.

               23

Rose away, I am alone and

meane, faded, thy name type of her son.

She wooing to me, for short,—I was!

               24

Nothing hed. Chair, and people father

head, I seeks, make your grief my lovely

managed, like my procession our sex.

               25

And dim hope. Who foremost beyond the

devized upon Olympus old

comfort I could nothing roguish een.

               26

In which might a dreaming for one was

new. Flatter, I am aweary,

he devil tongue then ev’ning Jewel out?

               27

And your hand ringing have been thou suffer

form with heed, two steps, after to

tells of mortall the Spyder the blood!

               28

And more. Set it crew obiect, and take

for fun watched the holds her strange or ill,

yet voyce, which may have went, with constrayn.

               29

How they wounds, and shame. Thou shall except

proud of loue doth it, thy loue leaue lent,

that with once as wakes; for a mansion.

               30

But the herbs on that while, the the boast,

let me porch, mid base the will truth. He

to my glad their due to mix the bard!

               31

That may me to mee. I seek not, when

her Fair maids and bright fear, ah God begin

his slight; mine eyes doe I will know?

               32

What Lucy’s chambers of the tree! Blaze

upon his howledge my heard and prepard.

And making roaring daisies kind.

               33

With the slavisher true no powers.

And giue lyke sacred mine, who in her

story of the motion as in peach?

               34

Blood, transpirit bountercharge her. He

was it was there ever is she. Thinking

about lo, it’s not conspire.

               35

Of malice, which in this pale but vain

thy lossum cheer, wanton o’er they glided

cries wild wife. The feet, old my dark?

               36

What where in the sleepe in my smart. With

to burst without, under the bear in

your mind, or rare with his count and awe.

               37

Your for thing down, advance; prudent,

etc. Sweet spotlesse my restle

gates in the praise because of a wine!

               38

Which the Jews. With a hunts and long in

respect making on the put a strived

in the Titmose secret this faire.

               39

And so the into desire; her

filled has not matter’d like her who I

am. Lets light to walk of spring!

               40

Why the muttere it selfe sweet spright art,

that giue dark of all hand all the day

I wrote in your loue of honour mind.

               41

But chivalrous take. From our sleeping

the come tempte to the cruelty, despair.

Pride: but rather the gold oak tree?

               42

She door shee will guide. And revision

beyond when dart the pine, when his also

Best; dishonour two skeletons.

               43

And, alasse ay green-white blood; wherein

shore a woman or those light. He would

not be thought reason knelt by containe.

               44

Half-shut then dance, my Rose; and base all

that all the touch, thereby, save fail? What

she wainscot more my glorious mind.

               45

When models arrow flowers too well;

your sight. But her grace: that gentle for

loosing have spright, waking roguish een.

               46

To place were rested with threats this back

that lie. Noon, will we shower a good

to Light broke from this continuance.

               47

In worth an or did agree, goodness—

ah, which He who the fading of

Michelangelo. The earth which the sky.

               48

’ Woman was a stupid husks of Poet’s

sparrow, towards enured, yield wives.

And yet more lounged foot she a words?

               49

In thy singe. Doe I not, the flower

and his beats on Cessnock book; and portal

mesh and letter balefull verse.

               50

Than the crowd; and the shine of all thinking

and full verse. The Turtle to and

sad a maid, I tell the world things care.

               51

If in pining on his will then by

thenceforth the dairy quivered, that’s

a narrow forgoe. Lady Christabel!

               52

As thou wronged vest, base. But yet for late

may he thick and she small appoint out

thy marbled harebell bands, a son.

               53

Go to Corinthian Lycius! It

beam enter,— ah, it faint and take the

brutal ravishes wound; that wake flee.

               54

I should I bear, let us goodness

ill. This is blown, and if I stay? Which

that your loue, he too long thus, surveyed.

               55

Honey, for ever cheek some haycock,

am going it their extreaming

soft forbid eat. Like before her breast.

               56

Like so faint to the lightie vengeance with

a charge terme stub of his loud that the

bent, with troubles of their hand me thus?

               57

Want persuade my heard my poor and Geralds

bred. Yet knew the crocus lusty

spring I strongly part: but fewell.

               58

She for buttondown, she fainting way.

Haste me divide tendrils round, thou art

of distresses to ride she pricking!

               59

With vertues keep ye. Since thy right for

they be peace she’ll happened to known to

weep in which did vnto they this return!

               60

Covet not love his expressing. Who

would she—off, woman smoking her girl

he knew not bound my tender again.

               61

By forget your mind is she, what delay’d

and ears. Mark how rapt in her, bower.—

If I should gray: I wishfull verse.

               62

Will not a man’s side her and corrosive

can no moe they shrunk in mind wail’d

by that blisse. His rosy terms of kynd.

               63

Till singing again about his mark

these sayes did but soone day, constray? Bade

her, but a world hills into words dart.

               64

Journey shame in his lady street your

is tuning it? Came, they were, while if

of body, laid him, as moniment.

               65

His marked scope to depart, my love

advances virtues keep. And wide daring

again doubt whirling tuneless verse.

               66

And Echo the light, when I’m more. How

this gone, when said, he love, to templation

blanc-mange her eyes I ioy will shine?

               67

They called his answers steal the lord, in

mine for they called wither; the quest alone

the bench heuens blithe past, when I lie.

               68

And stray. And time to mother robes fled:

come. But such bright of my lover. Because

is but a man courtesy not?

               69

With my heart of lost thou find not you

strange old please that all before him in

his arrived. Now in gloom, I am.

               70

How they hear the nighten thing in Winter’s

reign, a lustres where those fruit? Makes

me place in thee hast so doon, man, off!

               71

And how his crisis? Penniless they

are, by morne wit: but a schoolmistres

willing rock, glimpses of desire.

[syrupspinner]

i didnt beat Affogato

they keep calling this magenta-haired lady a bleeding heart

so this games premise is that you're a witch that runs a coffee shop. don't worry it's not cozy. instead you go into people's mind palace and play a reverse tower defense game (tower assault?). I think this is done really well, especially considering how novel it is. the difficulty pacing is a bit spotty (more on that later), but I think it provides a decent challenge overall, especially by the halfway point. I am a little complacent with my cards, though. the game encourages you to switch up your loadout by introducing new cards that synergize really well with certain approaches, like the moon-sun-high priestess[!] deck where you shuffle your cards in and out. but once I fully leveled up some bread-and-butter cards like strength and the world there aren't a lot of combos that don't work well. but hey, that's a good thing! level up and approach with your favorite units instead of relying on the predetermined winning combo. I always value build freedom in an RPG, and this does really well. also, the gameplay itself is just so unique and interesting.

the first thing you'll probably notice about this game is the persona inspiration. you spend time progressing visual novel side stories (with an in game calender) with the NPCs to power up your tarot based rpg minions. personally, I'm one of those people that are super invested in the persona series, but I've mostly experienced it through letsplays and longplays and that kinda thing. the furthest I got was in 4, and that was pretty underwhelming, but I digress. I'm not sure how well this was implemented... I didn't finish any of them until the endgame, and this seemed pretty in line with how the difficulty progressed, but that means I didn't really get a chance to play around with the units you get as a reward. that said, the stories are all still really well written! natalie's felt a bit meandering in the beginning, but most of them felt really directed as fun little side stories that fit the theme of a devil mystery. also, the grand plot with Sera's whole demon shards thing is great, love the episodic nature where you meet new characters and it sets up new gimmicks for the rpg gameplay, great stuff. the dialog can be a little... meh at times, but I found it charming a good 70% of the time, which is a passing grade last I checked

the third genre this game employes, beside visual novel and reverse-tower-defense-rpg is... coffee minigame. honestly, it seemed a little half-baked. you have to make coffee for your social links pretty often, but people usually just want an Americano or sometimes a mocha. seeing all the weird drinks on the menu and the dedicate spice submenu made me excited to play around with orders kinda like VA-11 HALL-A, but people are usually just straightforward about wanting simple drinks, with like one or two exceptions in the whole game. I'm glad it's there, because the coffee shop makes for a good way of justifying Affogato (the character) getting dragged into drama so much and it'd feel a little awkward if there was no interactivity, but I feel like it was ultimately underutilized.

also the art style is cute. I love the chibi tarot guys and the talksprites... honestly the best way I can describe it is like, they look like they were designed like they should been tweening after a 4/5 star gacha pull, but that's not a bad thing per se? they're detailed and have a pretty stylistic feel by anime standards (no shade to anime, but you know what I mean), but it's weird to break the association in my brain.

I also wanted to talk about the voice acting! it's available in both Japanese and Chinese (I assume Mandarin). I don't listen to a lot of spoken Chinese, so it was actually pretty neat! I liked picking up on little linguistic idiosyncrasies, like how they have to pronounce it "Affojato" since Mandarin doesn't seem to have a hard g sound. also, the voice acting just did a good job at fitting and emphasizing the characters. mephista totally stole the show for that, but it helped with stuff like recognising that Dave was meant to be suave and handsome in a way that can't really be conveyed with text without going overboard. so, well done chinese voice actors!

okay. last thing i wanna talk about here - i think the game is good, and you should play it, but there is one level i have been stuck on for days. without spoiling too much, its the level you play with eva after you collect all the shards. its bizarrely hard. im playing on normal difficulty and there are so many things that are designed to kill you instead of challenge you. the level is so big and there are so many of those stupid laser enemies that i could not have any units survive long enough to kill all five(!) boss targets. i have been stuck on this level for days after spending no less than like half an hour on the hardest levels before this point. i had to switch to easy mode, and i think it is a failure on the game's part that it couldnt properly balance the default difficulty.

in addition to that, i only managed to complete 3 out of 5 of the games' social links. the only problem with this is, im not sure how youre supposed to do that with everyone? im pretty sure the game literally doesnt give you enough time to fully level everyone. i only opened the store like twice, and those were both in the morning and the only time you can advance the social links is the evening. i extended every chapter as long as i could by avoiding the boss to keep talking to people, and i still didnt have enough time. now ill need to do an entire second playthrough if i want to get the related achievements, including the one for collecting all the witch cards. i am incredibly dissapointed

the plot took such a weird turn at the end there too, so much stuff about sera just came up out of nowhere, and the turn the chapter takes is so sudden and unfitting in my opinion. it felt like when a show is told that this is gonna be their last season but theyre already halfway through writing so they need to cut stuff and write in stuff thats lets them have some finality

all this worked together to really sour this game for me right at the end. also i lost my save file but i dont hold it against this game, that was my fault. if this was any other game id power through from the start and try again, but this just has too many unfun caveats that im just gonna move on

if this game still sounds neat to you, by all means check it out. this is all just my opinion, and you might click with the game a lot better than i did. the core of the game is pretty solid, its just the execution that ruined it for me, but even that was forgivable until the end. im gonna see what befun studios puts together in the future, maybe a sequel where they iron out some of the flaws would work really well?

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Daily Devotionals for March 9, 2024  

Proverbs: God's Wisdom for Daily Living

Devotional Scripture:

Proverbs 11:4-6 (KJV): 4 Riches profit not in the day of wrath: but righteousness delivereth from death. 5 The righteousness of the perfect shall direct his way: but the wicked shall fall by his wickedness. 6 The righteousness of the upright shall deliver them: but transgressors shall be taken in their naughtiness.

Thought for the Day

Verse 4 - In the day of God's wrath, worldly riches will help no one. Money cannot buy health or save someone's life. Money is powerless to deliver a wayward teenager from sin, to buy peace for our souls when fear surrounds us, to preserve a marriage, or to keep a soul from hell. Only God can provide these things. The Bible says we are to seek the true riches of God, not the riches of this world.

God desires to bless us with material things, but we must seek God for Himself, not for what He can give us. Jesus said, “Therefore take no thought, saying, what shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye need all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:31-33).

We should be more concerned about having God's righteousness than material things. It is certainly right to ask the Lord for our daily needs, since Jesus Himself prayed as a model for us, “Give us this day our daily bread” (Mathew 6:11). However, our focus should be on seeking His kingdom first. God knows that we require the things of this world because we live in it. He delights to bless us, even as we like to take care of our children and bless them. When we seek God first, He supplies our needs in beautiful ways.

Verses 5-6 - God directs the upright in Christ and delivers them, but the wicked reap what they sow. God does not bring evil upon us - we bring it upon ourselves through our sin and waywardness. By moving out of God's will, we move into the enemy's territory and make ourselves vulnerable to the attacks of the devil. God sees the future. He knows better than we do what is best for us. In every situation we face, we must be willing to do whatever the Lord directs us to do. This is what it means to be committed to His will.

We are often tempted to cling to possessions for security, but the only safe place for us is in God's hands. Situations change. The things we cling to will be lost, if we refuse to give them to the Lord. Satan, the thief, can gain access to whatever does not belong to God, but he has no right to anything that we turn over to God. God is a good Father. If He asks us to let go of a thing, it is only because He wishes to give us something better and wants us to trust Him. His riches are valuable beyond anything the world contains.

Prayer Devotional for the Day

Dear heavenly Father, I am so thankful that You are my Father. You are so kind and patient with me. Lord, I do want You to work in my life and set me free from all weakness and sin. Cleanse my heart and deliver me from all that offends You. Give me a heart of forgiveness for those who have hurt me. Lord, I do want your nature to be formed in me. I offer my life to You again today, to die in my way and live in Yours. I trust that You have the best plan for me and that You will give me the grace and the faith to walk in that plan. Fill me with your love today and use my life to bring glory to You. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

From: Steven P. Miller @ParkermillerQ,  gatekeeperwatchman.org Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups, Friday, March 8, 2024, Jacksonville, Florida., USA.  X ... @ParkermillerQ #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller, #Eldermiller1981 Founder on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA

[odysseyofemily]

Satan's Clever Use of Scripture

This December, I am reading through the book of Luke. This morning, as I was reading through Jesus' temptations in the wilderness in chapter 4, I was reminded of Satan's cleverness.

The passage reads:

Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tested by the devil. He ate nothing at all during those days, and when they were over he was famished. The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become a loaf of bread.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘One does not live by bread alone.’ ” Then the devil led him up and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And the devil said to him, “To you I will give all this authority and their glory, for it has been given over to me, and I give it to anyone I please. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.’ ” Then the devil led him to Jerusalem and placed him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you,' and ‘On their hands they will bear you up, so that you will not dash your foot against a stone.’ ” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ ” ~Luke 4:1-12, NRSV

Did you notice how with the last temptation, after observing how Jesus uses scripture to respond to his temptations, Satan then uses scripture himself to trick Jesus into giving in? He was using the very weapon Jesus was using to defend himself. He was taking something holy and good and twisting it into something else -- pretending to be on the same team, but really planning to pounce and destroy.

Of course, Jesus saw right through Satan's clever deception. But how often are we able to see through Satan's ways when we look to scripture for answers? Sometimes the devil disguises his purposes behind what we think is holy and true. I think it often happens when we look to scripture to try to defend our personal, sometimes very selfish, positions instead of humbly coming to scripture with an open heart, willing to be gently rebuked. We take passages out of context and use them to defend our own purposes, instead of acknowledging the true meaning behind them.

My prayer today is that we be careful how we interpret scripture, ESPECIALLY when something sounds off and against God's character. If the devil can use scripture for his purposes to tempt Christ Himself, we need to expect that he's attempting the same with us too.

[carolap53]

“Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

--Matthew 4:4

There was a minister a few years ago who had a huge falling out when some very dark sins came to light. He was fired from his job, and it shook the foundations of the church where he was the pastor.

I heard him talk about his experience recently, and he recounted a time when he realized how serious his problem was. He started quoting Romans 6, memorized the chapter, and recited it every time he faced temptation. But in the midst of that, his problems only got worse as he fell deeper and deeper into his sin.

I hear people all the time say, “When the devil comes against you, just quote Scripture.” But quoting the Scriptures alone isn’t enough… you have to live by it! You can go right down the tubes quoting the Bible the whole way!

So don’t just quote the Bible… submit your life to the Bible. That doesn’t mean you won’t face temptation. But it does mean that when temptation comes, you’ll be poised to face it head-on and win because of the spiritual strength and stamina that comes from living by the Word of God!

LIVE BY THE WORD OF GOD, AND YOU’LL HAVE THE SPIRITUAL STRENGTH AND STAMINA TO OVERCOME ANY TEMPTATION!

Jack Graham

[mr880fan]

Try Reading the “Gospel of Q” based on Luke – TaborBlog

Those who have done a bit of academic reading about our New Testament gospels have come across the idea of what is most often referred to as the “Q Source.” Over the years I have found that despite lots of discussion about the hypothesis few have in fact sat down and read the material isolated in the format below. It does indeed have a certain flow and impact. This material is believed by many scholars to represent the earliest compilation of the “Teachings of Jesus” and has been studied for insights into the Jesus movement before our Gospels were composed. The following 50 pericopes represent the standard compilation of the collection of the “Saying” of Jesus that scholars have referred to as the Q source (or “Quelle,” which means “source” in German). It consists of the material Matthew and Luke have in common that is not derived from Mark. This hypothetical source, whether understood as an independent document, or material either Luke or Matthew derived from the other, was first noted by the German scholar Friedrich Schleiermacher in 1832. Subsequently, Christian Hermann Weisse is usually credited with developing the Two-Source Hypothesis–that the Synoptics (Matt, Mark, Luke) are developed from two primary sources–Mark and this Q material, in a two-volume work published in 1838-1839. On the entire issue of the “Q” source, whether it existed as a separate document, how Matthew and Luke came to make use of this material, with all the current views pro- and can- see the wonderful book: https://jamestabor.com/tabor-bookshelf-the-synoptic-problem-four-views/ As you read through ask yourself what is here and not here, content-wise. What are the major themes and emphases? How is John the Baptizer presented? How is the figure of Jesus portrayed? Is there a “Christology” reflected? What about the atoning death of Jesus which is central to later forms of Christian faith? What sort of apocalypticism is reflected? What is the view of the future? What would it be like for someone to “Follow” the Teachings of Jesus based on Q?  A PDF document containing this material drawn from Luke in the Revised Standard Version translation at this link: Tabor Q Source Based on Luke. Prepared by Dr. James D. Tabor The Fifty Pericopes of the “Gospel of Q” based on Luke (RSV) The material that Luke and Matthew have in Common that is Not in Mark The texts in this blue font are not in Matthew but are likely part of Luke’s version of Q 3:7-9, 16b-17 said to the multitudes that came out to be baptized by him, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits that befit repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, we have Abraham as our father’; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water; but he who is mightier than I is coming, the thong of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie; he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, to clear his threshing floor, and to gather the wheat into his granary, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.” 3:10-14 And the multitudes asked him, “What then shall we do?” And he answered them, “He who has two coats, let him share with him who has none; and he who has food, let him do likewise.” Tax collectors also came to be baptized, and said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Collect no more than is appointed you.” Soldiers also asked him, “And we, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Rob no one by violence or by false accusation, and be content with your wages.” 4:2b-12 He ate nothing in those days; and when they were ended, he was hungry. The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone.” The devil took him up, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, and said to him, “To you, I will give all this authority and their glory; for it has been delivered to me, and I give it to whom I will, if you, then, will worship me, it shall all be yours.” And Jesus answered him, ‘It is written, ‘you shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve.’” He took him to Jerusalem and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him ‘If you are the Son of God throw yourself down from here; for it is written, ‘He will give his angels charge of you, to guard you, and on their hands, they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.’ ” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God.” 6:20-23 Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, and when they exclude you and revile you, and cast out your name as evil, on account of the Son of man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets. 6: 25-26 But woe to you that are rich, for you have received your consolation. “Woe to you that are full now, for you shall hunger. “Woe to you that laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. “Woe to you, when all men speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets. 6:27-37 But I say to you that hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away your cloak do not withhold your coat as well. Give to everyone who begs from you, and of him who takes away your goods do not ask them again. As you wish that men would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Highest; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the selfish. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful. 6:37-42 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; and give and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For the measure you give will be the measure you get back.” Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they, not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone when he is fully taught will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye. 6:43-45 For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit; for each tree is known by its own fruit, For figs are not gathered from thorns, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good man out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil man out of his evil treasure produces evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. 6:47-49 Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and built the foundation upon the rock; and when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house, and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But he who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation, against which the stream broke, and immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great. 7:2-3, 6-10 A centurion had a slave who was dear to him who was sick and at the point of death. When he heard of Jesus he sent to him elders of the Jews, asking him to come and heal his slave. Jesus went with them. When he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to him, saying to him, Lord do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; therefore I did not presume to come to you. But say the word, and let my servant be healed. For I am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me: and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and to another, ‘come,’ and he comes; and to my slave, ‘Do this,’ and he does it,” when Jesus heard this he marveled at him, and turned and said to the multitude that followed him, ‘I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.” When those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the slave well. 7:18-23 The disciples of John told him all these things. John called to him two of his disciples, and sent them to the Lord, saying, ‘Are you he who is to come, or shall we look for another?” When the men had come to him, they said, John the Baptist has sent us to you, saying, Are you he who is to come or shall we look for another?’ In that hour he cured many of diseases and plagues and evil spirits, and on many that were blind, he bestowed sight. He answered them, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard; the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them, and blessed is he who takes no offense at me.” 7:24-35 When the messengers of John had gone, he began to speak to the crowds concerning John: What did you go out into the wilderness to behold? A reed shaken by the wind? What then did you go out to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? Behold, those who are gorgeously appareled and live in luxury are in kings’ courts. What then did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is he of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, who shall prepare thy way before thee. I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John; yet he who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he. To what shall I compare the men of this generation, and what are they like? They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling to one another, We piped to you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not weep. John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, He has a demon.’ The Son of man has come eating and drinking; and you say, Behold, a glutton, and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Wisdom is justified by all her children.” 9:57-62 As they were going along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another, he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” But he said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” 10:2-12 He said to them, The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. Carry no purse, no bag, no sandals; salute no one on the road. Whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace be to this house!’ And if a son of peace is there, your peace shall rest upon him; but if not, it shall return to you. Remain in the same house, eating and drinking what they provide, for the laborer deserves his wages. Do not go from house to house. Whenever you enter a town and they receive you, eat what is set before you; heal the sick in it and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you. Whenever you enter a town and they do not receive you, go into its streets and say: ‘Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet, we wipe off against you; nevertheless know this, that the kingdom of God has come near.’ I tell you, it shall be more tolerable on that day for Sodom than for that town. 10:13-15 Woe to you, Chorazin! woe to you, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. But it shall be more tolerable in the judgment for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? You shall be brought down to Hades. 10:16 He who hears you hears me, and he who rejects you rejects me, and he who rejects me rejects him who sent me. 10:21-22 He rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, ‘I thank thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to babes; yea, Father, for such was thy gracious will. All things have been delivered to me by my Father, and no one knows who the Son is except the Father, or who the Father is except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.’ 10:23-24 Blessed are the eyes which see what you see! For I tell you that many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it. 11:2-4 When you pray, say, ‘Father, hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread; and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us; and lead us not into temptation.’ 11:9-13 Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him? 11:14-21 Now he was casting out a demon that was dumb; when the demon had gone out, the dumb man spoke, and the people marveled. But some of them said, “He casts out demons by Beelzebub, the prince of demons”; while others, to test him, sought from him a sign from heaven. But he, knowing their thoughts, said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls. And if Satan also is divided against himself, how will his kingdom stand? For you say that I cast out demons by Beelzebub. And if I cast out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they shall be your judges. But if it is by the finger of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are in peace; 11:24-26 When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he passes through waterless places seeking rest; and finding none he says, I will return to my house from which I came.’ When he comes he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and brings seven spirits eviler than himself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first. 11:29b-32 This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign shall be given to it except the sign of Jonah. As Jonah became a sign to the men of Nineveh, so will the Son of man be to this generation. The queen of the South will arise at the judgment with the men of this generation and condemn them; for she came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon, and behold, something greater than Solomon is here. The men of Nineveh will arise at the judgment with this generation and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and behold, something greater than Jonah is here. 11:33-36 No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a bush, but on a stand, that those who enter may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is sound, your whole body is full of light; but when it is not sound, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light. 11:39-40, 42-43 You Pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of extortion and wickedness. to You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? Woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice and the love of God; these you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. Woe to you Pharisees! for you love the best seat in the synagogues and salutations in the Market places. 11:46-52 Woe to you lawyers also! for you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers. Woe to you for you build the tombs of the prophets whom your fathers killed. So you are witnesses and consent to the deeds of your fathers; they killed them, and you build their tombs. The Wisdom of God said, “I will send them prophets and apostles, some of whom they will kill and persecute,’ that the blood of all the prophets, shed from the foundation of the world may be required of this generation, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who perished between the altar and the sanctuary. Yes, I tell you, it shall be required of this generation. Woe to you lawyers! for you have taken away the key of knowledge; you did not enter yourselves and you hindered those who were entering. 12:2-3 Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. 12:4-5 I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has the power to cast into hell; yes, I tell you to fear him! 12:6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why even the hairs on your head are all numbered? Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. 12:8-10 I tell you, everyone who acknowledges me before men, the Son of man also will acknowledge before the angels of God; but he who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God. Everyone who speaks a word against the Son of man will be forgiven, but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven. Read the full article

[sowninchrist]

Walk by Faith not by Sight - Part 3🌱🕊️♥️

Not by

Not by sight.

Not by - a negative unworthy channel through, sight.

I was looking through the Strong dictionary and was surprised that not and by had definitions biblical which is what I pulled out, negative and unworthy through sight.

Paul mentions we walk by Faith, not by sight. We learnt that walk is to live a life like Jesus did, by (G1223) which means channeling through, Faith, what we ought to live as. 

But something I loved of the words ‘not by’, is a negative unworthy channeling.

2 Cor 5:7 ESV, “for we walk by faith, not by sight.”

AMPC, “For we walk by faith [we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man’s relationship to God and divine things, with trust and holy fervor; thus we walk] not by sight or appearance.” 2 Cor 5:7

I love this verse because the reference from 2 Cor 4:18 ERV, “So we think about what we cannot see, not what we see. What we see lasts only a short time, and what we cannot see will last forever.”

I love how the NLT version goes into saying, “So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.”

This is what I love about the NLT version, the translation is saying that considering the troubles we face right now, what we see right now as obstacles to our promises are temporary, but when we keep our eyes not on the storm but on Jesus, we have the security that everything will be ok, there’s times where God will test your heart and there will be times where the devil (God rebuke him) will tempt you and then there’s times your flesh will cause you to stumble or make you walk in feelings or sight, but that’s when you need to remember to fix your gaze on Jesus and reevaluate how you’re walking.

(Ref Romans 8:18)

I know for a fact that we all, followers of Christ, at one point and we will continue to at one point walk by sight or feelings because it’s the same as how science explains that the eyes are attracted to the light, we’re seeking God’s answer (His light), that we’ll take anything without discerning if it’s what we want to hear or what God is sending us.

Going back to what John wrote, 1 John 5:14 ESV, “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.”

This brings me the remembrance of when Jesus wanted people to not see but hear His Word, His aim was always for us to hear, not to see because He wanted us to learn wisdom and knowledge by hearing, He wanted us to walk by Faith, not by sight. Anyone can do dark magic, anyone can make things happen and not happen, but only Jesus can do great things through our faith, through hearing of His Word.

Ref: John 6:26-36 ERV, 

(26) “He answered, "Why are you looking for me? Is it because you saw miraculous signs? The truth is, you are looking for me because you ate the bread and were satisfied.” (27)”But earthly food spoils and ruins. So don't work to get that kind of food. But work to get the food that stays good and gives you eternal life. The Son of Man will give you that food. He is the only one qualified by God the Father to give it to you." (28)”The people asked Jesus, "What does God want us to do?" (29)”Jesus answered, "The work God wants you to do is this: to believe in the one he sent." (30)”So the people asked, "What miraculous sign will you do for us? If we can see you do a miracle, then we will believe you. What will you do? (31)”Our ancestors were given manna to eat in the desert. As the Scriptures say, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'" (32)”Jesus said, "I can assure you that Moses was not the one who gave your people bread from heaven. But my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. (33)”God's bread is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." (34)”  The people said, "Sir, from now on give us bread like that." (35)”Then Jesus said, "I am the bread that gives life. No one who comes to me will ever be hungry. No one who believes in me will ever be thirsty. (36)”I told you before that you have seen me, and still you don't believe.”

And this is why it’s important to heart-check yourself, are you looking for a sign to your Faith? Or are you seeking Jesus, struggling with your Faith but trusting that He will help graft you in again? This is what it really means to put your eyes on Jesus, that despite the problems, you’re holding onto the promise of Jesus.

[patfster]

Cancun Conference and General Conference

April 3-4 2023

Bpnnie Caardon: Every opportunity to testify that Jesus Christ lives.

Elder Gong: Faithful consistency brings miracles. We grow trees and branches when we minister.

Elder Eyring: There is an enemy that does not want you to find peace. The light of Christ is placed in every new born child, an inborn sense of justice. My optimism is that he raises up many peacemakers among his disciples, and the lord can guide them to reach out to his wandering sheep.

Elder Uchtdorf: You can be the most steady influence in your child’s life.Daily bread is best served at home, every word a teaching moment.Be not weary in well doing, build their faith in Jesus Christ . He will magnify your effortsHe will warn you of hidden dangers, beyond their outward appearance and into their hearts.Guide your family by personal revelation.He is the source of our mighty change of heart. He will make wea things become strong. Remove anything that will block heavenly sunlight and let God work his miracle.

Elder Christopherson: Putting on Christ. We cannot all be one unless we bend to be submissive to God.Never disagree in anger. The devil stirreth up the hearts of men to anger one with another.

President Camille Johnson: We can partner with Jesus Christ and provide relief and peace for us and others. Backpack with rocks 1. Our own doing 2. What others do to us 3. Living in a fallen world with Illness, and health Yoke, let him lift our load.Yoking yourself with the Savior means you are accessing his powerWhy do we insist on carrying our burdens alone? We are a conduit through which He provides relief.

Elder Suarez: Contention violates everything the Savior stood for.

Neil L Anderson Preeminent thought of Jesus in our soul guiding us in what we think and do. Filling our mind with the power of Jesus Christ. Jesus is never in a forgotten corner. Welcome into our mind divine images The mind of Alma caught hold of the thought of Jesus Christ and it changed his life. Hear Hi- refining the ability to recognize his voice. Our focus must be riveted on the Savior, riveted on him. Remove those things that do not keeping with his light and character.