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original-character-championship · 2 years ago

Text

Bracket F Round 1

Poll 23

Remus Velez (@jojoandthejobros) vs. Ezra Mirkin aka Sunflower & Naomi Ava Mirkin aka Dandelion (@prinxe-with-no-crown)

365. Remus Velez (@jojoandthejobros)

He/They

He's a black and silver Dragonborn that can turn into a dragon. He's the character that I play as the most in my DND campaigns. He's the son of Tiamat and Bahamut. He has been reincarnated multiple times and during his first life, he used to be a god. He defeated not only one god, but two during his last life and ascended to become a god. He was there to fight for the world that he loved when the other gods had abandoned it in the apocalypse. He's 10 ft tall and can turn into a 90 ft tall dragon. He's also very attractive and dummy thicccccccccc.

He's currently married to his husband, Mitch (who used to be half human and half vampire, but has ascended to become a dragon god).

He's a black and silver Dragonborn with silver eyes and long black dreadlocks. He has two sets of ram-like horns. He's 10 ft tall in his normal form and 90 ft tall in his dragon form. He does also have a human form since he's a god now. His human form has dark brown skin, long black dreadlocks, and silver eyes. He usually wears black and silver clothing.

366. Ezra Mirkin aka Sunflower & Naomi Ava Mirkin aka Dandelion (@prinxe-with-no-crown)

he/him for Sunflower and they/them (but also feminine terms) for Dandelion

oh boy, where do i start.

see, first off, they are siblings - Sunflower is older than Dandelion by ten years (at the time of writing - this might change). second off, both of them are queer - Dandelion is a transfem lesbian, and Sunflower isn't quite sure what his deal is (and also he doesn't think he "counts" but he does). third off, they are magical girls (which, in here, will be used as a gender neutral term).

in this universe, you become a magical girl when you experience an overwhelming peak of an emotion which you don't otherwise have an outlet for. you stop being one once you no longer need to be one. your magical girl form has your hair be the colour associated with the emotion you need the outlet for, and your outfit is themed - as closely or as loosely as you on some level want - around a flower, and said flower also determines what your main powerset is.

as a magical girl, Dandelion has green hair. it signifies their desire to experience as much life as they can, their desire to truly, completely *live* rather than survive. meanwhile, Sunflower's hair is purple, out of his desire to protect his sister.

protect them from what, you may ask.

well, these days, it's from the dangers posed by being a magical girl; but the first time, it was from their father.

here's a thing - Sunflower never really expected that he would at some point need to take care of Dandelion. while yes, being raised by their father wasn't good for him, due to how he never really wanted to fit the ideal of masculinity that dad pushed on him, he has not yet processed that it has damaged him - and also, he has moved out before the problems have started in full swing for Dandelion.

why has the father been, judging by the way i describe it, worse to Dandelion than to Sunflower?

several reasons. for one, their mother, Naomi (you may notice that is also Dandelion's first name - that's why they chose it) died when Sunflower was 18 and Dandelion was 8. that means that while Sunflower has been raised by both of them, Dandelion has from that point on been raised only by the dad; and he has certainly been affected by Naomi's death. for two, in their early teens, they have started to lose hearing, which has in their fathers eyes looked as though they were no longer obedient. in addition to that, they did not go through a natural puberty, meaning an even further drift from their father's ideal of masculinity.

once, when Dandelion was 15, Sunflower came to visit. in the middle of his visit, at some point, their father has started yelling at Dandelion over them asking him to repeat something; none of their responses seemed to satisfy him. he stood up and raised his hand in a fist -

but it never came down.

this once, Sunflower, transformed as a magical girl for the first time in his life, caught it.

what followed was a hard-fought, just barely won custody battle; what follows is Sunflower wanting so desperately to do right by his sister, and convinced that he is not good enough.

to finish this up, here is a quote from my drafts:

Scorp: Do you need me to quote them word for word? Because I can do word for word. "I really wish I could help him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me."

Sunflower: That doesn't say much when the bar is on the ground! For fifteen years they lived with the man who would be furious every time they wouldn't hear him yet never even tried to find out if maybe there was a reason! Who easily could've known why they aren't going through puberty, but instead chose to be angry about it and take it out on them! Who, three years later, I still keep tabs on, so that I know they are safe from him!

I take a deep breath.

Scorp: The bar is on the ground, you say? Okay. But the ground is offering only what is necessary. A diagnosis and hearing aids, hormones matching the assigned gender, a restraining order. But you haven't stopped there. You have learned sign language alongside them. You have talked to them and found out they're closer to being a girl than they are to being a boy, and helped them get the hormones they'd prefer. You keep tabs on their father, so that you know he is not going to try anything, because you know he broke the law before. The ground is cold. You have offered them warmth.

I look at him again. This time, he seems to be taking it in.

Scorp: You are a good brother. They don't want anything better.

#oc championship #tournament poll #round 1 #bracket f #365 remus velez #366 mirkin siblings

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pesterloglog · 9 months ago

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Karkat Vantas, John Egbert

Page 365-375

KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.

JOHN: karkat?

JOHN: what are you doing here?

KARKAT: IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO.

KARKAT: JOHN, YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED, BUT I AM THE LEADER OF AN ARMY. MY PLACE IS ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

JOHN: i suppose that is true, but that doesn't answer my question!

JOHN: this isn't a battlefield, it's just...

KARKAT: THE OBLITERATED, SMOLDERING HUSK OF YOUR FORMER HOME.

JOHN: well, yeah.

KARKAT: WHICH WAS DESTROYED AS COLLATERAL IN AN ONGOING MILITARY CONFLICT.

JOHN: oh all right, fine.

JOHN: it just feels weird to call it that.

JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.

KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN.

KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY.

KARKAT: AND FRANKLY I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BOTHER, THANKS TO THE COUNTLESS FIRES I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ALL DAY, THE ONE PRESENTLY CONSUMING YOUR HIVE NOTWITHSTANDING.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS GO A BIT MORE SMOOTHLY? JUST A FRACTION?

KARKAT: IF YOU HADN'T JUST DECIDED TO WANDER OFF THE INSTANT SHIT STARTED HAPPENING.

JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.

KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH.

JOHN: huh?

KARKAT: YOU KNOW.

KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING.

JOHN: my shoosh thing.

KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING.

KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS??

KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB???

JOHN: uh.

KARKAT: THE SUPERNATURAL COMMUNION YOU HAVE WITH ALL THINGS WINDY, YOU ASS!!

JOHN: oh right, that.

JOHN: that would have let me put the fire out, maybe.

JOHN: i don't think there's anything in my skillset that would have unexploded my house though.

KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.

JOHN: i suppose i'll add one more notch to the daily tally of crazy stuff that happened which i just have to accept as my life now.

JOHN: so...

JOHN: what else happened while i was caught up watching the symbolic representation of my former life get consumed in a giant fire ball?

KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START.

KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP.

KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT.

JOHN: ...right.

KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY?

KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT?

KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT?

KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS!

KARKAT: WE HAPPEN TO BE SITTING IN FRONT OF ONE FACET OF THAT HUGENESS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

JOHN: well, when you put it like that...

JOHN: i guess we all got pranked pretty hard, huh.

KARKAT: THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY NERD PRANKS JOHN.

KARKAT: FRANKLY I'M INSULTED THAT YOU THINK SUCH A WORD IS EVEN REMOTELY APPOSITE TO THE PRESENT SITUATION.

KARKAT: OTHER THAN TO DESCRIBE THE WAY I AM PERSONALLY BEING "PRANKED" BY REALITY IN HAVING TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO YOU.

KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE RESCUE ATTEMPT.

KARKAT: THIS IS THE ONLY POINT WHERE ANY SEMBLANCE OF GOOD NEWS COMES INTO PLAY, SO SAVOR IT.

JOHN: okay.

KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT THAT WE DIDN'T NEED TO PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO THE RESCUING YIFFY PART OF THE OPERATION.

KARKAT: SHE BASICALLY RESCUED HERSELF WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE.

KARKAT: AND TOOK CARE OF KICKING GAMZEE'S CORPSEBOX OVER WHILE SHE WAS AT IT, IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF EFFICIENCY WHICH THE REST OF US CAN ONLY ASPIRE TO.

JOHN: oh wow, haha.

JOHN: i knew she'd be a bit of a character, being rose and jade's daughter and all...

JOHN: but that's impressive!

JOHN: it sounds like she'd be a pretty welcome addition to your ranks then.

KARKAT: SHE'S A CHILD, YOU MORON.

KARKAT: OH, AND SPEAKING OF WHICH.

KARKAT: PAUSING BRIEFLY TO NOTE IN ADVANCE HOW MUCH I LOATHE THE FACT THAT THIS IS AN EVENTUALITY THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS *ONCE AGAIN* SEEN FIT TO CURSE US WITH:

KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL.

JOHN: shit.

KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED.

JOHN: shiiiiiiiit.

KARKAT: YEAH.

KARKAT: GREAT WORK KEEPING AN EYE ON THEM, BY THE WAY!

KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO.

JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):

KARKAT: HAVING SAID THAT, THIS WAS THE ONE THING UP CROCKER'S SLEEVE YOU COULD BE EXCUSED FROM NOT HAVING SEEN COMING.

KARKAT: I GUESS BECAUSE, ON THE FACE OF IT, IT'S JUST TOTALLY FUCKING BANANAS!

KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

JOHN: wait.

JOHN: wait a minute.

JOHN: you said that both vriskas have been captured, right?

KARKAT: EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP FOR JOY AT THE REVELATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION FOR ONCE.

JOHN: okay, well putting that emotional outburst aside for a moment.

JOHN: how is that even possible?

JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers?

JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her.

KARKAT: YOU'VE STUMBLED ASS BACKWARDS ACROSS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF THIS UNFORTUNATE DEVELOPMENT.

KARKAT: YOU ARE CORRECT, IN THAT WITH HER CASTE-TYPICAL, *COMPLETELY SCIENTIFIC AND NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT MAGICAL* PSYCHOMANIPULATIVE ABILITIES, STAYING OUT OF CROCKER'S REACH SHOULD HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY TRIVIAL FOR SERKET PRIME.

KARKAT: EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR THE FACT THAT SAID ABILITIES ARE NOT NEARLY AS POTENT ON HUMANS AS THEY ARE ON FELLOW TROLLS, THEY STILL OUGHT TO HAVE TIPPED ANY ALTERCATION SQUARELY IN HER FAVOR.

KARKAT: BUT SOMEHOW, IT DIDN'T!

KARKAT: INSTEAD, THINGS APPEAR TO HAVE GONE GLOBES UP IN CLASSIC VRISKITE FASHION, AND NOW ONE OF THE MOST UNEXPECTED AND UNWANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS USEFUL WEAPONS IN OUR ARSENAL IS DOING TIME IN CROCKERJAIL.

KARKAT: THAT'S ABOUT ALL WE'VE BEEN ABLE TO GLEAN FROM TAPPING INTO THE BATTERBITCH AIRWAVES, WHICH IS A FANCY TERM FOR EAVESDROPPING ON THOSE OF HER AGENTS WHO TALK A LITTLE TOO LOUDLY IN SEMI-PUBLIC SPACES.

JOHN: jeez.

JOHN: i really screwed that up, didn't i.

KARKAT: I'M RELIEVED TO SEE THAT YOUR GRASP OF THAT FACT IS PRETTY GOOD AT LEAST.

JOHN: ):

KARKAT: HAVING SAID ALL OF THAT, AND WITH THE RECOGNITION THAT I AM CHOOSING TO NURSE YOUR BRUISED FEELINGS DURING A PLANET WIDE CONFLICT FOR THE FATE OF MY SPECIES,

KARKAT: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO EXPEDITE YOUR GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT?

JOHN: i... hm.

JOHN: i don't really know?

JOHN: this all feels wrong, karkat.

JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot...

KARKAT: A LOT WHAT?

JOHN: a lot funnier.

KARKAT: FUNNIER.

JOHN: how to put this.

JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny!

JOHN: but now it's just not the same.

JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know.

JOHN: once upon a time i would have put down your ability to pull a silly rant out of your butt as a fundamental law of physics or something.

JOHN: remember back when we first knew each other?

JOHN: it felt like all you ever said to me was how much you thought i was screwing up and being a useless asshole.

JOHN: and once i realized that you were also just a dumb kid who didn't know what was going on, i started to kind of enjoy it.

JOHN: but now it's like... the only one who's still a dumb kid is me, and everyone else has something big and important going on that i just don't understand.

JOHN: i thought that i finally got what was going on with this whole war and everything. i wanted to be useful!

JOHN: i guess i got a little too wrapped up in the feeling of something finally happening again.

JOHN: and then watching it all blow up in my face, kind of literally now that i think about it...

JOHN: it's hard not to feel even more dejected about the situation than i was before.

JOHN: and now even the patented karkat vant rant has lost all its sparkle.

JOHN: maybe if you had like, painstakingly itemized a list of all the things wrong with my plan in a comically overdone fashion or something.

KARKAT: I CONSIDERED IT, BUT HONESTLY THERE WAS SO MUCH WRONG THAT I CONCLUDED THAT THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE WOULD BE TO NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.

JOHN: oh. okay.

KARKAT: IF WE'RE BEING HONEST, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN, JOHN.

KARKAT: CALLING IT A PLAN WOULD IMPLY THAT IT WAS A STRUCTURED SEQUENCE OF STEPS DESIGNED TO ACHIEVE A GOAL.

KARKAT: WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH WAS A CONVOLUTED MESS WHICH STILL SOMEHOW INVOLVED DOING FUCKALL.

KARKAT: AND I USE CONVOLUTED HERE IN THE SAME WAY THAT I WOULD TO DESCRIBE THE FRENZIED DRAWSTICK SCRIBBLES OF A SQUALLING HUMAN INFANT.

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH:

KARKAT: DRAWING A SHITTY PICTURE WITH "THE ULTIMATE PLAN" AT THE TOP AND A BUNCH OF ARROWS DOES NOT, AND TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE HAS NEVER, CONSTITUTED AN ACTIONABLE PLAN.

KARKAT: DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS CRITICISM WITH ANOTHER MISERABLE EXPRESSION, I AM BEGGING YOU.

JOHN: okay ):

KARKAT: LOOK.

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.

KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!

KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.

KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE.

KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE.

JOHN: well... all right. if you say so karkat.

KARKAT: I DO SAY SO, EMPHATICALLY AND AT GREAT VOLUME.

KARKAT: AND NOW THAT MY OBLIGATION TO CATECHIZE YOU ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR OWN LIFE IS FULFILLED, I HAVE A WAR TO GET BACK TO.

JOHN: wait, hold on.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHAT NOW.

JOHN: you can't be leaving already.

JOHN: there's... so much we still need to talk about!

KARKAT: OF COURSE I'M SHITTING LEAVING.

KARKAT: WHAT MORE COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR US TO DISCUSS??

KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT.

JOHN: no, that's not what i'm talking about at all.

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

JOHN: or just...

JOHN: argh, i don't know!

JOHN: it's just been so long since we've seen each other.

JOHN: all sorts of things have happened in that time, and it doesn't feel right to just not even mention any of it!

KARKAT: LIKE WHAT??

JOHN: oh, i don't know karkat, literally anything!

JOHN: i mean, look at you.

JOHN: you are decked out in a tight body suit and have an eyepatch and everything. there is simply no way there isn't something to discuss there.

JOHN: or like, forget the eyepatch, we don't have to talk about the eyepatch.

JOHN: i feel as though my point still stands?

JOHN: there is basically a bottomless well full of stuff to go through.

JOHN: i mean we kind of glossed over it when you brought her up earlier, but what about yiffy?

JOHN: this might not come across so easily due to human troll cultural boundaries, but her existing is kind of a big deal??

JOHN: i feel like somehow i missed the part where we all sit around and talk about how strange it is that two of our friends went off and had a secret child without any of us knowing!

JOHN: is it too much to ask that we have that part now, karkat?

JOHN: i mean, maybe it just doesn't mean that much to you.

KARKAT: JOHN.

JOHN: which is a little strange, given that it ties in to the whole conflict that you had with jade and dave.

JOHN: oh god we have to talk about dave.

KARKAT: JOHN.

KARKAT: FUCKING HELL!

KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DAVE.

JOHN: no, this is what i mean, karkat.

JOHN: we need to talk about dave!

KARKAT: HAHA! LIKE SHIT WE DO!!

KARKAT: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THIS IS EVEN A RELEVANT TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.

JOHN: oh come on.

JOHN: there's no way you aren't feeling kind of messed up about him, right?

JOHN: i know i am.

JOHN: whenever i think about how things ended between you two...

JOHN: especially now that he's...

JOHN: ugh, i'm sorry. i'm SO sorry karkat. sorry doesn't even begin to cover it.

JOHN: this whole thing feels so impossibly sad.

JOHN: all i'm trying to say is...

JOHN: it's not healthy to bottle these feelings up and not acknowledge them.

JOHN: even if you aren't feeling anything right now, and i don't for a moment believe that's true, *i* need to talk about dave!

JOHN: so can we please just talk about dave for a moment.

KARKAT: NNNNGNGNGGGGGGGUUUUUUGUUGHHHHHHHH FINE.

KARKAT: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP ABOUT THIS TOPIC FOR EVEN A BRIEF MOMENT, THEN FINE.

KARKAT: REGARDLESS OF HOW POINTLESS AN EXERCISE I CONSIDER IT TO BE, I WILL DISCUSS WITH YOU MY "FEELINGS" ABOUT DAVE.

JOHN: okay.

JOHN: thank you.

KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE INUNDATED WITH NONE OTHER THAN AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA VIS A VIS MY SWEEPS-SUPPRESSED, BISCUITFELT EMOTIONS ON THE DAVE SITUATION??

KARKAT: WELL HERE GOES.

KARKAT: *DEEP BREATH*

KARKAT: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL ABOUT DAVE?

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL IS THAT I WISH THAT EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT HIM!!!

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SO HE AND JADE GOT HUMAN MARRIED!! BIG DEAL!!!

KARKAT: DO PEOPLE FORGET THAT I WAS THERE?? I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FORGETTING THAT I WAS LITERALLY INVITED TO THE OCCASION.

KARKAT: I'VE EVEN COME TO EXPECT THIS KIND OF AMNESIAC BEHAVIOR FROM EVERYONE ELSE, SINCE I ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK AROUND OR ACTUALLY SHOW MY FACE FOR MOST OF THE ORDEAL, BUT YOU EGBERT SHOULD HAVE NO FUCKING EXCUSE!

JOHN: wait, karkat, that's not what i

KARKAT: SO YEAH! THAT WHOLE THING HAPPENED, AND I CAME TO TERMS WITH WHATEVER THERE WAS TO COME TO TERMS WITH, WHICH WAS FUCKING *NOTHING*, AND THEN I GOT ON WITH THE ACTUAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS OF TRYING TO PREVENT THE WORLD FROM CRUMBLING!

KARKAT: WHICH, NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, IS *STILL FUCKING HAPPENING*!

KARKAT: I AM UTTERLY APPALLED THAT THIS IS AN INFO MORSEL I KEEP HAVING TO SPOONFEED DOWN YOUR WINDCHUTE EVERY FIVE SECONDS, JOHN, I REALLY AM.

KARKAT: I MEAN HOLY SHIT, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!

KARKAT: AND ONE THING I CAN SAY WITH ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD CERTAINTY IS THAT IF DAVE WERE HERE, HE WOULD SAY THE SAME THING!!

KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHERE *IS* DAVE??

JOHN: um.

KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE IF ANYONE COULD HAVE PREVENTED TODAY FROM DEVOLVING INTO A HEADLESS CLUSTERFUCK, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN... OKAY, MAYBE NOT HIM, BUT AT LEAST HE MIGHT HAVE HELPED DRAG YOU OUT OF YOUR DEPRESSIVE FUGUE A LITTLE SOONER!

JOHN: (oh shit.)

KARKAT: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MAYBE WITH BOTH OF US HERE WE COULD HAVE DISPENSED WITH THIS ENTIRE SORRY TOPIC ONCE AND FOR ALL, IF ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT!

KARKAT: OH HI DAVE, JOHN SEEMS TO BE UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE UNSPOKEN HISTORY BETWEEN US IS OF SUFFICIENT IMPORT THAT WE NEED TO HASH IT OUT THIS VERY SECOND IN FRONT OF THE BLASTED REMAINS OF HIS HOME!

KARKAT: yo karkat that does seem to be a strange thing for my best friend john to be concerned about given that he has spent the past five years wallowing in the depths of deepest divorce fever

KARKAT: and especially since jade and i have meanwhile been working as part of your resistance with no complaints, but sure, we can brofist each other and arrange our limbs in an unambiguously platonic way

KARKAT: a way which is also flawlessly calculated to communicate to everyone present that here are two guys who are totally and unequivocally over each other

JOHN: (oh god. you don't...)

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA DAVE, AND WITH THAT MAYBE THAT WAY WE CAN WASH OUR TOUCH STUMPS OF THIS WHOLE ORDEAL AND NEVER HAVE TO SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!

KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, JOHN?

KARKAT: WOULD THAT SATISFY YOUR CRAVING FOR CATHARSIS ON THE SUBJECT OF DAVE??

KARKAT: WELL WHY DON'T WE TRY IT THEN.

KARKAT: IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU CALL DAVE AND GET HIM OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!

JOHN: (oh my god...)

KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD GET JADE TO COME AS WELL!

JOHN: ):

KARKAT: FUCK, WHY NOT INVITE FUCKING EVERYONE!!!

KARKAT: WHY NOT PRESS "PAUSE" ON THE RACE WAR FOR A MOMENT AND HAVE ONE HUGE FEELINGS JAM LAWNMEAL WHERE WE ALL PUBLICLY EXPATIATE OUR VARIOUS CONVOLUTED EMOTIONS.

KARKAT: FORGET PEACE TALKS, GET FUCKING *CROCKER* TO COME!

KARKAT: MAYBE THE SIGHT OF A DAVEKAT RECONCILIATION IS THE SECRET KEY TO UNLOCKING THE PART OF HER BRAIN THAT STOPS HER FROM BEING A GENOCIDAL RACIST BITCH!!!

KARKAT: HOW COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN SO BLIND!!!!!!

KARKAT: IF GAMZEE WASN'T DEAD, YOU COULD HAVE INVITED HIM AS WELL!

KARKAT: HAHAHA, THAT'S OKAY, WE STILL HAVE A VERITABLE MENAGERIE OF PEOPLE WE KNOW WHO AREN'T DEAD.

JOHN: ))))):

KARKAT: ALL OF WHOM I AM SURE WILL BE SIMPLY DELIGHTED TO ATTEND WHAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY BE THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN EARTH C'S BULLSHIT HISTORY.

KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT IT TAKES, EGBERT, THEN I AM PREPARED TO DO IT!

KARKAT: DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T!!

KARKAT: IF JUST FOR AN *INSTANT* IT WILL GET EVERYONE OFF MY CASE ABOUT THIS, I WILL STAND UP WITH DAVE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE ***FUCKING WORLD*** AND SOLEMNLY VOW THAT I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!!!

JOHN: KARKAT!!!!

JOHN: ugh, fuck, this is just too much!

JOHN: i thought you KNEW!

KARKAT: KNEW WHAT???

JOHN: dave's GONE, karkat!

JOHN: he's...

JOHN: he's dead.

JOHN: i didn't mean for you to find out like this at all, i thought...

JOHN: i mean, i only heard about it yesterday, but i was convinced someone would have told you already!

JOHN: apparently one minute he was there, and the next...

JOHN: none of us even know how it happened, and it doesn't make any sense that he's dead, but he is.

JOHN: he is dead and he's not coming back.