#3000 people die everyday

[empresskae]

A world Map

Hello, I am Empress Kae. I am an artist, rigger, vtuber, and soon to be webtoon artist and author. I asked my audience what they would like to see first before the release of the webtoon. The wanted some world building so I decided to give you the most scuffed map possible. This is will a be a simplified version of the map as we will explore the regions in more detail later. This was also a good way to introduce the races you'll find, and the magic system of the story.

So Lets go

Ville du Voile

Of course I'd spell it wrong on the map

Voile for short, this is a city that surrounds the entire mortal realm. This uses the tarsus science of “it’s bigger on the inside.” The city actually goes over the realm like a dome. It’s about the size of Tokyo, even though the mortal realm is infinitely bigger. If you look down, you’ll see a huge faint galaxy. 

This is where a lot of races and magic types live in peace. IT’s culturally diverse, but still has its downsides. This is the port of entry not only for travel to the mortal realm but also into the greater multiverse that’s not even going to come up until much later. Since it’s the port of entry, a lot of administration duties are done within the city. This was one of the palaces for empress Kassiopeia. 

This is the first defense and last defense position for the mortal realm. First defense in case there is a threat that comes from within the realm like a rogue god. This is the last defense position if all other cities have fallen. 

Never Ending Forest

Home to fey and elemental magic users. The forest is filled with many different types of ecosystems, cities and no one knows if it truly never ends. They are finding new species and different classifications of fey everyday. This is the perfect breeding ground for crimes and the best place to smuggle people past the Ville du Voile.

There are mainly different cities but the most important one is the court de flora. This is where the royal families of each faction live and where you can find the primordial titan of nature. 

Styx

Named after the famous river Styx, this region is full of water with islands. Each island is their city themed after whichever death god controls it. Some cities are technologically advanced where others are stuck in the last. Some are bigger than others. The islands are connected via ley lines that transport each person to and from different islands. Boat travel is possible but oftentimes risky. 

 Styx is home to the Karakter, a race that is powered by spirit magic. Unlike most races, the Karaktar were once mortals who chose to become a Karaktar. The Karktar are responsible for ushering in the dead, and helping out the death gods since death in itself is a very taxing job. 

When a soul enters Styx, they are granted with a choice. 

Float through the water, until it’s their time to be reborn again. This normally takes about 3000 years. 

-or-

Pledge yourself to a death god and become immortal, renouncing any claim to resurrection. 

The water is full of the souls of the dead and contested spiritual energy that will kill anyone that’s in there. The longest someone has lasted in the water is 5 minutes and they were a titan. Since the water is so deadly, Styx is where you’ll find the prison where enemies of the realm are kept. This is reserved for those who try to attack any of the 20 primordial titans. 

Solst and Equin

This is the region where you’ll find a lot of Equinoxtic magic users. (magic users who get their magic from the sum and night) These are more commonly referred to as hell and heaven in the mortal realms. 

Solst is the equivalent to heaven where people who use light magic, or magic powered by the sun live. These are mainly referred to as angels. 

Equin is the equivalent to Hell, although it is not underground, its land floats through space The only difference between Equin and Styx is that you’ll instantly die if you go over. There are safety measures in place. This is where you find dark magic users or magic powered by the night sky. These are commonly referred to as demons.

These two regions hold most of the patroned gods, but are also the most at war with each other. Especially the Ars goetia, the Ars fortona and the Ars Paulina (factions of very powerful angels and demons) 

The 2 notable cities within this region are Cloud city and Night city. could city is more based off of Barcelona and night city takes inspiration from Las Vegas/Monte Carlo 

Elysium

This is where you’ll find Royal gods(difference between and patroned gods are that Royal gods don’t get their powers from worship) this is the home to Kassiopeia, the Empress of the gods, and the soul Creation god. To put it plainly, she is god. 

Elysium is a region full of galaxies, stars, and anything inter-dimensional. Only the richest of the rich and the most powerful beings live. This is where a lot of meetings where Kassiopeia’s presence is required take place. Kassiopeia never leaves Elysium without a royal escort, even though she will often leave Elysium. 

[meditating-dog-lover]

Arab American duality

I'm an Arab American. One side of my family is Jordanian and the other is white American. I was born in Manhattan 6 years before 9/11. My family is non-religious.

As my blog suggests, I am pro-Palestine. My grandmother was Palestinian and told me all about what's been going on in Palestine since 1948. And I was very young, I've actually learned about Palestine before I learned about slavery, the Holocaust, and the genocide of Native Americans. Of course I'm not comparing tragedies at all here, I'm just highlighting that Palestine it's something I've been made aware of very early in my life and the lives of Arabs in general.

I've been speaking out about Palestine for almost 20 years. 19 years before October 7th. It's nothing new to me, unfortunately. I care so much about the cause and will continue to raise awareness on it. What's happening in Gaza right now is so heartbreaking and soul crushing.

On the same note, I'm an American. My family has been living in the US for generations (I've traced it back to the early 1700s). My great grandfather was an American WWII veteran. And I was born in Manhattan. I have been to the World Trade Center as a baby/toddler with my parents. So 9/11 absolutely devastated us. My birthplace was attacked on that day.

So this is the position I'm in. It's easy for me to condemn terrorism in general because both sides of me have been victims of it. It also sucks that this is what my familial history has been through. I know everyday for Palestinians is 9/11. So it's not the strongest comparison. But I was mortified by 9/11 because of my connection to New York and America in general, which is why I don't find 9/11 jokes funny and hate it when people try to justify what happened just because they hate America's foreign policy. I hate it more than the next guy and every one of our politicians is a warmongering sack of shit (there are very few exceptions), but 3000 Americans didn't deserve to die.

So any person who is ready to call me a terrorist sympathizer who hates America just because I'm pro Palestine can be quiet. I'm privileged to have a diverse background and upbringing which allows me to see the big picture in world politics and society.

[broodyjoey]

I really wanna die now, I need to go buy my pills and a bottle of alcohol.

That way I’ll really die and never come back to this hellish place where everything is my fault and no one ever thinks good about me. (except for my friends.)

But then again a few of them also think I’m annoying or smth, nevermind. The world won’t miss me, and even if it does, it didn’t cherish me in the first place.

Gaslighting, emotional manipulation and physical abuse. Jeering and scapegoating me at every turn. It’s some how always my fault, I’m always dumb to everyone and it’s somehow always placed upon me to accept the blame.

At home, at work, in love.

Where else? Where else do I turn to?

Death.

Death is the answer. It is the only accepting and kind thing in this wretched world.

When I confront them when they gaslight me, they say I am stubborn and too evil. And that evil stubbornness is wrong and vile and that I will fail in life.

That I will be the ultimate failure and one day, someone is going attack and kill me for it.

Oh yay, great happy speech from my parents that if I confront someone who wronged me and lied, that I will die a failure.

Great happy day.

😒😒😒

Of course I am oh so wrong in confronting the wrongdoer! I should have sat silently and endured it! And then get scolded again for having no backbone! For being a dumb bitch and not being able to stand up for myself! Of course, I should have done that! After all, I am dumb no matter what I do!

😒

You know what? Since I’m so dumb and so evil and so vile, why don’t I just die? Before I become this failure that got killed by a wrongdoer?? Hmmm???

They’ll be very happy on the day that I die. They cry fake tears when the scold me, or maybe it’s real because they weren’t really bothered about me, they were bothered by the fact that everyone is criticising them about me. And so poor them!

The day that I die, I won’t have to deal with such crocodile tears and the “everything is your fault shut up no why are shutting up you bitch” speeches anymore.

People in my extended family knows it’s not my fault when my mother goes insane. My friends knows it’s not my fault when things get bad.

But why is it that I have to get punished for it? Why do even my lovers (who just wanted to use me for my body) blame me for shit too?

So in the end, everything is my fault. Every year that I stay here, feels so suffocating.

I’m not in America, I can’t just rent a house or buy a home.

This place feels so suffocating I can hardly live, I feel like I have to be on my toes everyday. I cannot feel safe here, I do not feel safe here.

Why won’t anyone marry me and help me run away like my friend’s older sister? My friend she found a good bf that loves her and has a whole room to herself.

So lucky, I wish it was me.

I wish it was me who had an inheritance with a loving partner, I wish it was me who is with the husband with a sweet deal on the housing down payment, I wish it was me who has the good grades and never had to hide who her bf was.

I wish it was me.

But it isn’t. It’s all my friends. I can’t even buy a proper computer, I’m not the one in a nice little room to herself. I’m not the one with 2 rooms to herself and like 3000 things in her possession.

My room is filled with my sister’s things, my mother’s things and I don’t even have place for my own things. Most of my stuff is encroached by their items and they tell me to throw it all away.

Because to them I’m sub human. I’m not worth anything in their eyes. Anything I say is a goddamn lie to them and yet when I approach them and confront them about this, they say I am an evil and vile failure that is too stubborn. That what they say is right.

What I do is all wrong to them.

Nothing is ever right, I tried a long time ago to do what they want. They were never happy and nothing I did was right anyways. I was slapped for what my sister did, I was punished for having emotions.

When I forced myself to be emotionless, they said I was stupid. That I became dumb. And started making fun of me. The world was so suffocating for me, so much more than now. Yet they were still never happy. They wanted me to cry, to perform sadness for them. Even though I was not stressed by the exams, they wanted to see me cry.

Cry little monkey! Do this little monkey! HAHAHAA dumb little monkey! You stupid bitch, you listened to what we’ve said and you fell for our trap! Idiot monkey!

Nothing makes sense, unless you link it to narcissism. Then looking at narcissistic parents and the family dynamic, everything becomes clear.

I’m the black sheep. I’m the scapegoat.

I’m the punching bag of this family and they are happy to have me hurt.

They punch me when they are out of money. Scream at me when things go wrong in their lives. And I am not allowed to fight back. No, to them I must be a good little sheep. Beat that sheep to an inch of its life.

When I say I am suicidal? “No no, you’re not suicidal, I AM”

Everything I do is a joke to them.

I don’t want to live anymore, nobody can help me get out of here. My psychiatrist and therapist gave up on me because of my late coming and now there is no one else to save me.

No more meds to keep me looking up to the good side, no more therapy to help me get through life like this. No more.

No more help, no one can help. Die. The world wants me to die.

Why wasn’t I the one with the nice bfs with the big house? Why wasn’t I the one with the nice bf that loves him even though he’s suicidal?

I was the one that got raped and hurt and blamed and belittled. I tried to escape to love, I tried to run, I did my very best to do everything everyone wanted. And everything I did was never enough.

Death is enough, death is always enough. I want to die.

I don’t want to go anywhere anymore. I don’t have hope for the future, I just want to die. Die die die die die

It’s the perfect solution. No more pain.

After one big round of pain from my stomach, from all the pills I will take in. I will die after, and so no more pain. No more hurt. No more blame.

Even if they blame me in the end, that’s okay, I won’t be there to hear it anymore. I am going to be in this floaty void that will protect me from the pain. No more pain.

No more.

No more of this hurt anymore.

I’m so sorry to my friend who’s tried to rescue me multiple times from killing myself.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t finish planning his bday gift.

I’m so sorry.

But I guess I’m sorry enough to stay here for another few days.

Guess I’m a coward for still living again.

I should have done it when I was 16 and not afraid. Now I am 25 and too afraid.

Too afraid for my friends that mean the world to me, despite being the butt of their jokes.

I just don’t want to hurt that one friend that tries his best to keep me alive.

He tried very hard, anytime he knew something was off.

He’s training to be a therapist and I think it’s his calling.

I can’t be his first failed case can I?

I say I don’t dare to hope but I think secretly inside, I do hope a lot. Because many things are not fulfilled when they should have been, I end up hoping instead of making plans.

Because plans insult me. They are only here to hurt me, dreams of a better future too. But I somehow can’t drop my hands from the rope that is cutting into my flesh. Hope hurts so badly, but I still cling onto it.

I want so much. I don’t want it to be too much to ask. Because I’ve seen it

I’ve seen it happen for my friends. And I’m what people say is greedy.

So what if you call me greedy for wanting to live a proper and safe life? Is it it so greedy to want love?

Is it so greedy to want people that love and guide you?

If so, then I am greedy. I want to be free of these shackles, I want to be a human, not a monkey.

I want to be free.

I want my own home. I want to live peacefully.

I want to be held lovingly.

I want to have peace.

I don’t know why things won’t happen for me even when they are given to me.

My friend gave me a chance to date someone, she gave me a guy that got an ex pregnant twice in a short amount of time, he called his ex crazy for wanting a ring. He manipulated me and hurt me. Told me a bad thing and said he didn’t mean it like that. Then go on and say he likes to maipulate chubbier girls but I was too skinny, that I needed to be chubby. (So he could much more easily manipulate me into staying.)

A job I took had me doing all sorts of impossible bullshit and yet in the end of the day, I got blamed for so many things that weren’t even in my department. Heck, I even had to reprint a report because someone decided to throw my report away. Everyone else’s was with mine, but ONLY mine was lost.

I can’t even imagine what I don’t see. What kind of calamities are happening when I don’t open my eyes and look out for these?

I can’t even start to breathe when I do look into shit. It’s always the flight or fight response. Never had a nice moment that didn’t end up as backstab, sabotage, manipulation and scapegoating. Never understood why my luck is like this.

[x-akari-xv]

I'VE BEEN THERE

Let's talk about how hard to survive this year. Isn't? We encounter a lot of unexpected happenings. We cried, we give up, we surrender and we almost die. So answer me in a honest way, what keeps you going?

Since there's a lot of unsaid words, unspeakable feelings and not answerable thoughts there's also a lot of things to give thanks.

Written this on December 8 at 9:03 PM but i don't know when will i publish this. I guess it's up to my mood? opps no! I'll surely upload this soonest as much as i can.

But before we go dig in, i want to say thank you!

Thank you for reading, i honestly don't imagine that someone like you will read this blog. It's really appreciated, no words can expand how grateful i am to have you as my reader. I mean, i do not know what will be the outcome of this letter after i publish this but i promise to give you more chapters. So let's cheers for surviving the whole year!

A message to my past, present and future self

2021 thank you.

A thousand thank you for you. 3000 sorry for myself. And forever praise to the Lord for letting me survived this year.

No one saw me drowning in pain, but You saw me. No one notice that i disappear, i escape and i give up but You saved me. No one thought me to fight for this but You gave me a thousand reason to continue.

I encounter a lot of people, the permanent ones and a people for a short time. Most of them used me for their own satisfaction, some of them hurt me physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. It caused me trauma to trust people, it made me hard to believed what love really feels like. I mean, not a romance pov but in some way, how can i tell somebody to love themselves but i can't do it by my self?

She have a thin body, thin eyebrows, dry hair, ugly nose and it's hard for her to accept who really she i is. And when ever someone call her pretty it made her really anxious because she really don't believe that she is beautiful. Btw, SHE IS ME.

In my whole entire life, all that I've experienced is they're bullying me, using me and no one can listen to me. And you know what's the hardest? people knew me for being so confident and not shy over nothing. But it's not 〒_〒 I am the happiest and the saddest person you've ever met.

I've been there.

For a long time that i suffer and cried over the things that they have done to me i realized that all of the people that caused me trauma are fully moved on. They are okay. And i hope me too.. (napag iiwanan na ako...)

I'm still drowning from my own thinkings that, "why would they do that?" "what did i ever do to deserve a life with so much pain?"

It kills me everyday.

It so suffocating that I'm swallowing my pride just to forgive them without hearing any sorry. It's really hard 〒_〒

But praise forever the Lord for letting me feel all the kinds of feelings. Because one thing i knew is that, i am very brave. His love made me brave.

I've been there.

And i thanked God for allowing me to know Him. Coz you know what? if i don't know Him, i am now dead. I tried many self harm, thinking that if i end my life i will be living in peace. But thank God because He let me encounter Him and by that, the fear that i'll go to hell is the one who keeps me going. Believe it or not, I've been there.

And to my future self,

promise to love you more

It's hard but i know you will find rest in His presence

I know you can forgive them in order to open your heart to love them once again

Take your time to heal from the pain they caused to you and make it more easy to find the reason to continue

It's almost Kez, it is

You will finish the race, and you will continue because i know you

You may feel tired but you don't really want to give up

I'm so excited to see you happy again, to see you growing and healing.

Please hang in there for yourself, walk for your dreams and go fight alone. I know you can do it!

i love you and happy new year. ♡

New start for all of us, and you, the one who's reading this. Fight for yourself okay? if nobody can fight for you. YOU can do it by YOURSELF. I know, i know that it's hard for you to trust yourself at this moment but please believe that even if the time is running you have your own race, and you must run for YOURSELF.

Because you don't have to compare yourself to what others achievement. Because YOU HAVE YOUR OWN. You just don't see it right now, but YOU HAVE YOUR TIME and you must wait for it. Please stop praying for the things that really don't work out. I know, i know it's hard but can you change your mindset from i can't to I MUST CAN?

I mean, you must can because you are you! You know your self more than anyone else. Even if your mother has given birth to you, she has no idea what is your other side, believe it or not you only know your self. And the ability to believe that you can, CAN help you to survive.

And at this year, let's declare that "I MUST SURVIVE!"

Declare that upon your lungs,

Say it to your heart

Believe it to your mind

Change for yourself

You must love yourself

Because at the end of the day

YOU MUST CAN.

[filiseverus]

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt,

I will let you down, I will make you hurt....

[scribble-dribble-writes]

Blissful nights

---

<< part 1

Requested by: @alexaaahh

Pairing: Obiwan x reader

Contents: He follows his vision to the house he keeps seeing in his dreams

Warnings: none. As mentioned I wanted this to be really sweet 💖

Word count: 3000

Tag: @actuallyanita

---

He saw it again. A house. The very same he had been getting in recurring dreams. It woke him up softly with a feeling that made him miss the mental respite he received through these dreams. It took different forms everyday. Some days he would dream of the garden, while in most others he dreamt of a bedroom. He would always wake up in this foreign room and the windows would be open to let in morning light. It felt calm and serene. His current life lacked both those qualities that he had forgotten how it felt to be at peace.

The cave surrounded him like a prison, one he put himself in. He didn’t have the energy to deal with these thoughts today, he had to show up for work. His feet felt the rough warm soil beneath, his hand felt dry and he knew he had lost the glow of his youth. He felt foreign in this body, his face looked nothing like how he had once been and so he didn’t have any mirrors or look at himself in reflections. His fingers pushed away his long lock that fell over his forehead, his shoulder and lower back ached, he wasn’t used to doing manual labour. If he was being honest, he wasn’t used to any of this. He missed home or atleast the place that had once been. He missed the feeling of his lightsaber in his hands. He missed his suite and the library and-

He stopped.

There were a set of thoughts that he deemed to be off limits. Thoughts that would break him apart and make him spiral. Anything to do with you, had now become a minefield, so he got up to get dressed. He resorted to distraction when any thought of you popped up in his head, so he was always busy.

The work was dreary, the people were the same and he only received half a day’s credit even though he was here before the two suns had risen. One among the crowd he mindlessly trekked back to his quarters to get ready for his watch over Luke’s residence. He was alive, he had a duty to perform and that was all that mattered. Lost in his thoughts he bumped into someone. “Why won’t you leave us alone?”, he knew who it was upon listening to the sound of the man’s voice. Owen Lars. His tired eyes first noticed the scorn on Owen’s face and then a little figure shuffled near his hips. The boy. He took a step back. He lowered his head slowly to see that Luke was hiding behind his uncle. Owen nodded his head in a way of telling him to make a move on and so he did. But the encounter shook him. The fear of Luke’s face disturbed him.  Was that how everyone saw him? Like a crazy desert fool?

He dropped his stash of food on the table. For a moment it was as though he was seeing himself from the outside. He stole food. He kept watch over a kid to an extent the very same child was terrified of him. He had no friends or family. He had nothing here. It struck him then, he wandered off limits. That was how you would have felt, on the day you chose to leave. The Jedi order could not have given you the life you wanted. But another thought plagued him.

Would you have stayed if he had asked?

You didn’t miss Coruscant much. It had now been reduced into a vague memory. This new life that you had made for yourself suited you best, on the outskirts of town in the middle of a forest in Naboo, you had safely constructed your own world untouched by the tragedies of your past. The wounds in your heart were now sealed. The feelings you had once harboured for him, had vanished. He didn’t linger in your mind. You had even forgotten his face. But ever so often you would think of him, hoping he had survived. There was however one thought that never seemed to die down.

Did he ever think of you?

He held his binoculars close to his eyes, watching Owen and Beru play with Luke. He felt insignificant. Lowering the device, the reality of it hit him, that if he was free to chose a new path, he could. He had a new purpose now. These dreams beckoning him to a different place if it even exists. For the first time in his life, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to go in search of this place the force was lulling him to. So he rushed off inside with an urgency he had felt only once before, when he ran through the halls before you disappeared from his life. He stuffed his bag with a change of clothes and took all the credits he had earned so far. He needed respite and that was only found in this place that he saw in his mind. He wiggled his fingers into his black gloves and rode his eopie till the station. Following his instinct, he bought a ticket to Naboo and boarded the starship.

Naboo welcomed him with the lush display of greenery that his eyes felt relief from having been caught in the dry arid climate of tatooine. But a fear took root. A fear that he won’t go back. He adjusted the strap of his satchel when he reminded himself that this was just for a day. He will put an end to his misery, have a break and be back to his duties. That once he found the root cause of those dreams he’ll go back to his cave. He walked down a path that led him into the forest, the air smelling sweet with the scent of wild flowers and the sound of a nearby stream calling to him. The water trickled gently making everything around him feel serene, he wanted to sit down and catch his breath. But when looked up, he caught sight of it. The house. It looked the same with overgrown wall climbers and couple trees hiding it from view. A part of him couldn’t believe himself, so when he took the next step he lost his footing and tumbled down into the stream.

The water hit him with a sudden coldness, so he whipped his head out to gasp for breath. He was completely drenched, so was his bag and everything in it. As he waded through, he only wanted to stay in the water a little while. The fresh feeling on his skin, his fingers feeling the rush of the river, he felt rejuvenated. He pushed his hair back and immersed himself. It was then he realized how much he also missed his showers back home. He got out the water and laid on his back. He kept thinking of home like a place he could return to. But in truth it was lost and he had not made peace with that. So he looked at this little hidden villa again. Whatever that was in it, could be the answer. The key to him feeling whole again. So he dragged himself up the slope and walked, his boots squeezing out water with every step. He got to the front door, his bag and clothes dripping wet. The doorbell was an inch away and all he had to do was ring it. He hesitated.

Would this really solve all his problems?

He had to know, so he rang the bell.

You hardly got visitors so it was even more unusual for someone to ring your doorbell at this time of day. You wiped your hands on your apron, having completed your final touch to the strawberry shortcake you had baked with strawberries from your own backyard. Pulling your dress in place you dusted your hands before opening the door.

“Yes.”, you answered and swung the door opened. A man stood on your doormat dripping wet, his long hair pushed back and his eyes going wide with surprise. The blue of his eyes, the red flush in his cheeks, within a second you recognized him. Time had not changed him at all. You held onto the doorframe to hide the nervous shiver and to make sure you wouldn’t fall to the ground. “Obi wan, what are you doing here?”, you gasped. “I don’t know.”, he responded looking as stunned as you were. He was beginning to shiver in the way his bottom lip quivered so you invited him in and he walked into your space like an old ghost. Anywhere he walked, he dripped fresh water splotches in the same way your heart now had decided to wake up and beat for him. Even after all these years all the love you had once put away rushed back in and now, now he needed warm clothes so you went into your room to get him any sort of dry clothes for the time being.

He watched you buzz about from room to room as he stood in the middle of the hall rendering your carpet wet with his presence. This had not solved anything, except it only broke him further. The air was tense and he didn’t know what to do to ease it. Could he ease it after all these years? But you emerged again and held out a set of warm clothes. “You need to change or you might catch a cold.”, he heard you say and couldn’t bring himself to say anything so he nodded and took the clothes.

When he went away, you placed his bag near the fireplace for it to dry and sat down on your seatee. Your rather peaceful world had now been touched by fire. The ticking of the clock was the only rhythm you could focus on because your heart was haywire. You heard his footsteps as he emerged out slowly. Your farm hand had left a couple of his clothes behind and so now he walked towards you in a ragged pant and patched up shirt. You had seen him in all forms and in each form he still managed to look his absolute best. You look away when you realized you had been staring. “Please have a seat.”, you offered and he sat down on the other end. The clock was ticking again and all that passed between you was silence.

“Leaving the order has done you good.”, he managed to say only to notice it caused the opposite effect. He saw the hurt flicker in your eyes. He dug his fingers into his palms. You were settled now, he was the odd one still harbouring feelings as he sat in your living room wearing your husband’s old clothes. There was so much to say and yet not a beginning in sight. “Your clothes should be dry in a while. Would you like to have something to eat?”, he heard you ask. Maybe this was your attempt to diffuse this awkwardness, so he agreed. You emerged from the kitchen with two plates, upon closer inspection he knew what it was. His favourite. So like he grabbed for the spoon like a mad man. Taking a bite he sunk into the cushions, closing his eyes, he savoured every bit. His eyes popped open when it hit him. “Do you remember that cake store we used to go to? This tastes exactly the same. For a moment, it felt like nothing had changed.”, he burst with new found energy and then drew back. He had put his foot in his mouth again.

You watched the sheer glee on his face and your chest tingled with warmth. He grabbed the spoon like he had not seen food for days. The edge of his fingers looked worn out. His hair retained the same lustre but now it was a little darker. But his eyes, they were the same. Now they were looking at yours with a glimmer as he spoke about a forgotten memory. But the moment he spoke, he began to shrink back into his shell, so you stopped him. “Yes, I make it when I miss home.”, you responded to which he gave a tired smile.

When I miss you, you thought.

He didn’t need to know that.

“You look like you’ve been keeping well.”, he said unsure of how you might receive it. But you were radiant or maybe it was that his time in the desert had made his eyes adjust to brighter conditions that with the golden light streaking across your face gave you an ethereal glow. He wasn’t here to cause trouble but as the silence engulfed him, he heard the thoughts that wanted him to be a menace. He wanted to drift closer to you, to see those deep wood brown eyes and run his fingers into your raven black hair in the same way he felt the water rush through. But you were with someone else and so he looked away.

The order was all in the past but you could still feel when someone felt distressed and right now he was distraught. So you approached the elephant in the room. “Obi wan why are you really here?”, you asked and you could feel his eyes on you. “I didn’t know you were here.”, he said and it hurt you. So if he knew, he would not have come. “I needed a break from my duty and I had these visions,” he paused looking around, “ of this house.”, he explained. “The force.”, you looked at him as you answered to which he nodded. “Well now you’re mystery is solved.”, you collected the plate from him and turned to go. “Would you have stayed if I had asked?”, he asked as though he had been reciting it in his head. “That is the mystery that needs to be solved.”, he said softly.

He observed as you turned to meet his gaze again, as you placed the plates on the side table. He saw you take in a deep breath before you answered. “I left the order because I was beginning to have feelings. And instead of wanting to put them away I wanted to embrace it. Now if the person I was having these feelings for, asked me to stay, what would you have done?”, his eyes widened. You had liked him. He was the biggest fool.

“I would have told them sooner.”, he replied and your heart rate shot through the roof. This cannot be happening. You got up to pace the room, then paused to point a shaking finger at him. “And what? Live at an arms distance from you. Not be able to be near you or touch you. Was that the life you dreamed? Can’t you see how miserable it would have been?”, you felt the rush of adrenaline through you. You walked unable to sit down, angry that he showed up after all this time to confess now. You turned to him again. “Are you going to tell me now that you thought of me daily? Don’t pretend like you cared then or now.”, but before you could continue with your rampage you heard him say yes.

“I did.”, he clasped his hands together. “You were the only part of me that kept me sane in the loneliness. That even though I tried not to think of you. I failed.”, he could feel his heart beating for the first time in a while. “I understand your anger now. To be so close and yet so far. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”, he said. Even in your righteous anger, you were beautiful. Only then he realized he needed to leave. If he stayed a minute longer, he'll fall in love all over again. Thoughts of you will make do.

“I suspect your husband will be back and I would like to return his clothes.”, he got up while your head was swirling. “I’ve lived alone ever since I left.”, you tell him and he pauses. “I see.”, his eyes meet yours again. “I’ve only ever loved you.”, you say it softly but muster the courage to look at him. “I don’t know how to love any one else like I love you.”, you say it and stand your ground as he walks to you.

He didn’t want to leave. Long ago a dream he had, became a nightmare. Now his nightmare had turned into a dream. The house, this place and you. He had it all wrong. “I wanted to tell you the day you left. That you should have taken me with you.”, he admitted it and slowly reached for your hand. “That I would be lonely without you.”, he kissed the end of you fingers. “That if you left, my life wouldn’t make sense.”

You push away a strand of hair from his face and place your cheek on his chest, tucking your head under his neck as his arms wrapped around you. “I’ve missed you so much, like a meadow buried under snow yearns for summer.”, you tell him and he kisses your forehead. “Are you still planning to leave?”, you ask him not wanting this moment to stop. “And miss out on eating strawberry shortcake? Never.”, you feel the laugh that rumbled through him. Somewhere in between all this, it felt like a dream, or a vision. You knew he would come back to you.

He had forgotten what sleep actually felt like. He felt your arm slung over his bare chest as the songbirds sung outside. The window open to let the morning light in. Soft white curtains fluttering with the wind and your warmth keeping the cold at bay. Luke needed to have his childhood and the universe still had time to be saved so he turned and you stirred in your sleep. His slipped his hand over your waist, his fingers tracing your soft skin as he pulled you close. You softly hummed with delight and he knew he finally found peace.

[tonysamcomedy]

My new book comes out September 1st and I can't wait for you to read it!

SELF-LOVE, INTROSPECTIVE AND INSPIRATIONAL poems focused on the problems of everyday people, getting through life one mistake at a time, and smiling your way through it all!

This captivating book is more than a mere collection of whimsical verse. It serves as a powerful reminder of self-love and personal growth that begs to be on the coffee table of anyone longing to be better, and long to be kept bedside whenever you need a boost.

I have died a dozen times

and if need be, I’ll die again.

I’ve shed a coward’s skin

and rose the moment when

I needed to be reborn much better.

But there is no hero here.

I am just a loyal servant of change

and failure is the only thing I fear.

There are no headstones where

my fallen selves now lay…

no markers carved in stone to

guide you down that wretched way.

Those bodies belong mired in the mud

and forgotten to time and space.

The only me that matters now

is the one who bears this face.

- MORPH

"The Perpetual Plummet of Imperfection" inspires one to overcome the false belief that they are the sum of their mistakes and a prisoner of bad choices. Through heartfelt verses, alliterative diction, and conscience cleansing themes, this deeply empathic work instills each reader with a renewed sense of perseverance, compassion and hope.

"The Perpetual Plummet of Imperfection" is the third poetry collection from A.W. Sam and explores the many aspects of life and how our many imperfections can actually be our strengths. His previous two collections, WASTE[LA]ND: POEMS FOR LA, and TOIL both received praise from the likes of Jonah Ray, James Urbaniak, Ana Kasparian, Cameron Esposito, Sara Benincasa and more!

Here's just some of the praise recieved for TOIL:

“(A.W.) expertly weaves hope and despair ... winking and smiling through tears while he laughs. But you laugh and cry with him, because that’s what life, and this collection, is all about.” - JONAH RAY, Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Meltdown Show With Jonah and Kumail

[m-e-w-666]

tagged by @tired-dummy thankyou beloved 💜

1. Why did you choose your URL?

i like cats and my birthday is on 6 and i like the number 666 because it’s more 6,,, also i got tired of trying to come up with urls i liked so i settled on this and decided i’d change it later,, grew on me tho

2. Any side blogs?

AHAHAHAHAAAA i counted 85 rn but i only use like 3-4 of them occasionally (2 of them i intend to use regularly)

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

it’s been 6 years now maybe a bit more

4. Do you have a queue tag??

nope i queue a bunch of things at around the same time, my mutuals can never tell if i’m online or not. now i’ve thrown them off their rhythm

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

don’t look at me but i moved to tumblr from my dying homeland of google+,, i needed somewhere just as chaotic. also had a bit of conflict (that is resolved now it’s ok) with friends there and had negative associations with it and this seemed like a fresh start. all other social media’s draining

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

i like tma and fma and i wanted to creep people out when the page loads and sometimes the eye looks like it blinks

7. Why did you choose your header?

it related to my icon and it’s creepy and neat

8. What’s your post with most notes?

the harvey post don’t look at me i’m not a simp ok i just appreciate the guy

9. How many mutuals do you have?

how do i tell i would love to know who’s my mutual

10. How many followers do you have?

1340.... idk how i make memes and shitposts and the occasional incoherent post about how much i like a thing

11. How many people do you follow?

4082 but look.. i followed like 3000 when i just joined tumblr ajhddjjd and most of them are either dead, deactivated or one of those “follow to see this one pic everyday” that also die after 10 days of following them,,, and at this point i’m too lazy to go though and unfollow

12. Have you ever made a shit post?

i think i may have

13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?

when do i not use tumblr?? if i’m not busy with something important then i’m on tumblr hoping i don’t hit the post limit again

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

fortunately i did not. i never had conflict and if i see someone’s blog or views i don’t like then. i use that block button like my life depends on it. don’t like conflict

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

don’t like them. if it’s a good post i’ll still reblog and maybe try to find a version without that comment. but usually don’t like them

16. Do you like tag games?

yesss they’re fun

17. Do you like ask games?

yeeeeee

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

bagginshield and straighttma my beloveds,, i usually don’t remember urls lmao but also so many cool fucking people follow me idk??? all my mutuals are famous in my heart tho <3

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

romantically? no. platonically?? i am smooching some of my frends on they cheeks and giving them soup

tags: @slorpn @theyarnman-trademark @symbolishplant @localswordlesbian @bagginshield @amphitritemists @mousebear4 @spookydisasteronmain @bothrops-atrox

and anyone that wants to do it, i’m tagging everyone that sees this 💜

[lysissisyl]

A different world

This is the story I wrote for “The Goddess Messenger” zine.

___________________________________

The war had ended. Edelgard had only planned until then. Part of her probably didn’t even expect to survive it, at least not as Edelgard. Even if she won, even if she lived, the Emperor would have lived. She would have taken care of the reforms needed to truly reach her goals, she would have made sure no one ever faced what she had to face. She would have been the leader Fodlan needed, until she wasn’t needed anymore. Emperor and the justice they embodied. (She was born a rebel and she was now dealing with that herself, as ironic as it sounded.)

She was sitting in her study, a pile of unsigned documents to her right, the pile of the signed ones to her left definitely too high for the edge of dawn. According to her schedule, she was expected to sit there until lunch, reading letters, drafts of decrees and laws, spies reports, nobles’ complaints... She looked out of the window and sighed. It was such a nice day... In a different world, in a different life, she could have been having tea in the gardens with Byleth or seeing her laugh because she was putting too much effort choosing her outfit to go to the opera and wondering what flowers Dorothea would have liked the most. She shook her head. In another life she would have more probably been dead or in chains again. She shivered at the thought. Who knew, perhaps Dimitri would have ruled over Fodlan and people would have called her a tyrant. Byleth would have had a role in the church, under Rhea’s guidance. Another sigh. This wasn’t a different world, this wasn’t a different life. Luckily. She would have read and signed 3000 more boring papers to know she was going to see Byleth’s smile in the evening, the love in her eyes... She clenched her fists. What was wrong with her? She was prepared to walk that path alone, to fight alone, to sit in that study alone in the best scenario, to die alone in the worst. And now? Now she couldn’t stand an entire morning alone. No, she couldn’t stand an entire morning without Byleth. It wasn’t just about focusing. Of course her thoughts ran to her given the smallest chance. She was annoyed, but it was also comforting somehow. The problem was the tight knot in her stomach, the cold that made her shiver and shake sometimes, even with the fireplace just a few feet away. The problem was that painful feeling that made her crave for her voice, her smile, even just a moment of her presence. She felt like screaming. She signed another paper. Sure Ferdinand could call his school “the Von Aegir foundation for equal opportunities and enlightenment”. She took the paper back: maybe it would have been better to submit it to Hubert... Byleth would have found it funny. She laughed now. She wanted that laugh... She took the paper again, crumpled it in a ball and threw it in the fire. She could deal with one damn morning! But it was every morning. It had been every morning from the day she had realized Byleth had chosen to walk with her. And she rationally knew that didn’t mean they were going to be together all the time. She was totally fine with that. Each of them had things to take care of. She would have never asked anything like that. But...every time she wasn’t there, that feeling came back. And she hated herself for that. She could feel her eyes burning. Right, another thing that had changed. She remembered how to cry now. That didn’t mean she had any intention to. Luckily, because she heard the door opening a moment later. She hadn’t heard a knock, but she was...distracted. And Hubert didn’t always knock. Nor did Ferdinand. Or Caspar. Too many people didn’t fucking knock. But most of them weren’t up that early in the morning, except for Hubert, who could either be already up or not yet asleep. She sat straight on the chair, ready to discuss any urgency that had presented. To her surprise, it wasn’t Hubert coming in, but Byleth. “Weren’t you going to train? You love the training grounds at dawn, because they’re all yours. Did something happen?” But she was smiling. “Why are you here? We were supposed to meet for lunch.” Byleth slipped her weight on the other feet, pensive, then shrugged. “I missed you.” All the tears Edelgard had been holding came out, her solemn posture turned into stiffness, then breaking completely and letting her collapse on the chair and desk.

“El?” Byleth was confused. Emotions were still unfamiliar to her, something she struggled to unravel. She knew she had gotten better in those few months, but this reaction was something she couldn’t comprehend. Did she say anything wrong? Did she make Edelgard sad? She remembered crying when she was in pain, the day her father died and she remembered Edelgard crying when she thought she was dead. She moved carefully, sitting on the chair in front of her. “Did I cause you pain?” Edelgard’s eyes met hers, while she partially regained control. “No. No. You chase the pain away, my love. The pain and cold.” Byleth turned to the fireplace, already half standing, with the clear intention of starting a fire that was already going. Another small way to love her. But it wasn’t the sight of the fire that stopped her, it was Edelgard’s hand, grabbing hers. “Stay...” She was smiling, but there was a need in her eyes. She looked away an instant later and let go hesitantly. “Apologies.” “What for?” “I’m truly not myself today. Feel free to go back to your training and errands.” Byleth tilted her head in the way she often did when she was pondering something. “Why?” “Because it isn’t fair to as otherwise. It’s...selfish.” Byleth looked at her again, giving her another confused look. “But I want to stay.” Edelgard laughed, a small laugh, but her voice was clearly cracking again. No tears though, just her eyes sparkling for a moment. Then she looked at the papers and her attitude changed. Her posture stiffened, she grabbed the sheet on top and sighed. “Will you stay with me while I work then?” Byleth looked at her for a long moment. She was in control again, but she could see her lower lip tremble slightly from time to time, her grip on the paper a little too strong. In her mind she looked like an overzealous rookie who kept swinging their sword for days, until their hands were so in blisters they couldn’t even hold it anymore. “You need a break.” “I need to work.” “Is there anything urgent among those papers?” “If anything was urgent, Hubert would report it or bring the documents to me personally.” “Then you don’t need to work.” “I worked everyday from dawn to sunset since the war started. No, it’s been much, much longer.” “You definitely need a break.” “You’re not listening. I’m used to it. I know I can do it. I just need you here. I can’t waste an hour.” “I wasn’t thinking about an hour.” Edelgard smiled. “Then I suppose I can take a few more minutes.” “I was thinking about a day.” Edelgard froze. “A day?” Foolish. She couldn’t. She needed every minute to study and sign all those papers before the end of the day. She had responsibilities. She had...very intrusive thoughts of her and Byleth drinking tea in the gardens, eating cookies, chatting and smiling. It was such a nice day... Maybe it could be a different world, just for today... “El...?” It. Wasn’t. A. Different. World. “I wish it was...” “What?” “I wish it was a different world, a world I can spend the day with you, relaxing and having fun, drinking tea and laughing together. I wish, but I have to take care of it all, I must. I can do it now, so I must.” Another image came to Byleth’s mind. Edelgard dealing with reports during the war, messengers running back and forth, reports held by bloody hands, men and women and children risking their lives for words to reach her. She stayed up at night to read and study everything, send replies. Everyday she wasn’t fighting or studying strategies, she was reading and writing papers, the silent side of the war people always forget. Some days sleeping was a luxury she couldn’t afford, because someone else needed orders, because a new territory needed laws, because she had treaties and negotiations ongoing. She understood. “You can now, you can tomorrow. El, there won’t be a battle forcing you to postpone it, there won’t be an assassination interruption, a fire burning your documents down. “This is another world: the world you dreamed of, the world we fought for, the world we created together. The war has ended.” “The war has ended.” Edelgard repeated those words, as a reminder, as something to cling to. She felt lost. She had kept thinking, acting as it hadn’t, because she didn’t know what else to do. But the war had ended. “So...what now?” “Whatever we want.” Edelgard just stared back at her, the vastness in those words both beautiful and scary. Byleth could see it, she could feel it. “What do you want today, El?” An easier question. She still felt stupid answering. “I want to go to the gardens, enjoy the cool air, drinking tea and eating sweets with you.” Stupid. The first thing the mighty emperor could think of was tea and cookies, a child’s desire. “I’ll ask for everything to be prepared.” “Ask?” Edelgard raised her eyebrow. “This sure is a change. I was starting to worry a lot of people in the palace would have started complaining about not being able to do their job anymore.” Byleth giggled. “I usually prefer to do most things by myself, exactly like you do, but I told you, El: I want to stay.” She paused. “I’m still going to brew the tea myself, though. I have my limits.” Edelgard laughed.

Edelgard loved the way Byleth brewed her favorite bergamot tea. Ferdinand could go on rambling about times and temperatures as long as he wanted to (he sure did more than once), but Byleth had sort of a natural talent for making tea. If she wasn’t so rational, she would have said she could taste the love. She let her pour some in her cup, then watched her while she got some in her own. There was a calm, a comfortable calm in Byleth’s way of handling tea that had always fascinated her. There was a gentleness in her gestures so unusual for a mercenary... Now she knew that gentleness well. She smiled, a silent thank you, took a cautious sip. It was hot, but not enough to burn. She could feel the warmth spreading on her body, forcing her shoulders to relax. Byleth’s tea was the most similar thing to a hug she knew. Her voice was as gentle and warm now. It made her feel like purring.  “I understand, El.” Byleth leaning forward, fingers gently caressing her cheeks, another kind of warmth. Soothing... Edelgard closed her eyes for a moment, absorbed by that lingering feeling. Then a serious note joined the sweet kindness in Byleth’s voice and she focused on it again. “New beginnings aren’t easy. Even when they are nice, even when things change for the better, even when there is hope and happiness awaiting, when you reach them after a long fight...new beginnings aren’t easy. Your mind has to learn to believe, it has to learn to let go, to relax. There is a difference between knowing that things will be alright and feeling it. “You saw me running to you, sword in hand, because I heard a noise, even if I knew the palace was safe; the other day I almost hit a kid playing a prank on me in the streets, then I had go back to the market, because I hadn’t bought anything that wasn’t dry and easy to preserve while traveling. My brain momentarily forgot I have a home now. And...sometimes, when my emotions are stronger than usual, when you smile to me in the morning and I’m still half asleep and my heart races... I freeze for a moment, because I forgot it bites now. I do understand, El.” She did. She always did... “Can we do this every day?” Childish. “A free day?” Byleth teased her. She blushed and stuttered. “You know that’s not what I meant. The tea. A moment for tea. A break. Sharing.” “We can, El. This or anything you desire. You don’t need to plan. You can, but you don’t need to. You can think about what you want everyday. Tea, walking in the gardens, a game of chess, sitting in front of the fireplace, hand in hand. Just something you want, every day, small precious things.” “Small precious things...and days off when I need them...reaching out when I need you...” She bit her lip: she didn’t mean to say it out loud. Byleth smiled. “Good girl, El. And remember that when you fought for everyone’s future you fought for yours too.” Edelgard wanted to say ‘thank you’, but it didn’t seem enough. She moved slowly, resting her head against Byleth’s chest, listening to that beating heart... A new beginning. Together.

[bakugou-tm]

fate’s design; bakugou

Okay so this was one of the few ideas I had going on but this one I had after I heard about the live action Tangled being made (literally wanted to be cast for that so bad). But anyways the reader has a healing quirk from her hair just like Rapunzel’s when she sings the song, and you can find out the rest as you read ;)

word count: 3000+

warnings: kidnapping, mad angst but a happy ending :-)

Emotion was a long lost friend of yours.

When you were younger, your life was filled with emotion.

The joy you felt when your family came over for summer cookouts and you got to play in the pool with your cousins while the sweet smell of meat burned on the grill. The sadness you felt when you had to reveal to your parents that you flunked your first math test. The anger you felt when your father ate the last cookie you had made with your mother that weekend, though it was quickly resolved when he returned to the store with a fresh batch.

All of these emotions, no matter good nor bad, you were at bay with. Content with even. Because at that time it was just so nice to.. feel something. Anything.

How you wished you could feel again, have a family again, a life.

That was all ripped from your grasp when you felt your very last emotion: pain.

The day was just like any other, you were walking home from school on sixth year in primary school. Your classes were beginning to grow harder, but thanks to your helpful friends and wise parents you had no troubles. After all, you and your peers were preparing for high school.

You remembered how excited you were for high school. Getting to meet new friends, join new clubs, play new sports. Perhaps you watched too many cliché high school movies, or maybe you had been too naive.

Probably the ladder.

You took the same path you always took, crossing through pretty neighborhoods with large historic trees and cracked sidewalks that brought back memories to your youthful days.

Just as you turned the corner you felt that feeling of comfort in your chest upon seeing the rustic color of your home, the smell cherry blossom tree overwhelming your senses as it did every afternoon.

You allowed the faint breeze to flow through your long soft locks, the occasional blossom falling far from the tree and into your hair.

You would always think... silly flower, you don’t belong in my hair. You belong in the tree with your family.

Walking peacefully down the street you made sure to skip over each crack, the knacking fear of the old children’s tale still in the back of your head.

To you it was just like any other weekday, the same old routine, same old walk, same old emotions.

But that day was far from normal, it was the last day you had the luxury of feeling.

You remembered the way a shiver ran up your spine when you felt someone entwining their fingers in your long locks. You remembered the way your parents ran outside at the sound of your shrill screams. You remembered being held back as you were dragged into a rundown van, your poor excuse of trying to escape proving to be useless. You remember having to watch your parents get engulfed in flames, their screams of agony filling your ears which over-rid the sound of tape being slapped across your mouth and body.

But the one thing that really swam in your mind like poison was the torn blossom that laid much to peacefully on the palm of your hand as tears of pure fear danced down your cheeks.

Silly flower, you don’t belong here.

Things have never been the same since that day. Sometimes you tried to think back on that day, those memories, just to try feel something again. But it never worked, nothing worked.

You followed the same routine everyday. Wake up, eat whatever scraps you could get, sit in the corner silently with no thought in mind, wait for one of the injured villains to come in, sing your song, heal them, hope they didn’t ask for much more from you, sleep, repeat.

You used to hate it so much, helping the people that took your life away against your will. Knowing you were the power of the sick people that ruined other people’s lives everyday. But at this point, you didn’t even know what it felt like to hate.

All you knew how to do was sing that sickening song and sleep. Nothing sounded the same anymore, nothing felt the same, nothing tasted the same. The bottom line was, nothing was the same.

And for six years that was your mindset, nothing would ever be the same. This would be your life til the day you die. That is, if you were lucky enough to see death’s doors.

But one day that mindset changed, your life changed forever. Thanks to the boy with crimson eyes.

-

You sat in the corner of your room, your bottom growing numb against the hardwood floors but you couldn’t care less.

Admittedly your room had gotten some upgrades since you first arrived here. From 11 to 18 you had finally been able to see a bed again, but it mattered not. The bed felt the same as the floor at this point.

Your (e/c) orbs were glued to the floor, your eyelids forcing themselves open pitifully as you traced the outlines of the hardwood as you did everyday.

With your room being below ground, probably in the middle of some rundown city, you weren’t able to hear much of what was going on in the outside world. Sometimes you would imagine what was happening, what holidays were going on and what families were spending time together.

It probably felt nice.

When a loud bang arose from upstairs, your eyes merely flicked to the door with uninterested. Probably one of the villains getting in a fight. Their hideout was in a rundown bar of sorts, this leading to the buffoons always being a drunk mess.

All you could do was hope that they would be sober enough when they had their daily visit with you.

The banging only proceded to get louder, shouts filling the air but you simply ignored it. Letting your head lower to the ground again as your (h/c) locks showered along your face.

Through everything you’ve been through, one thing that never changed was your hair. No matter how much you tugged and pulled at it, wishing it would fall out and end this misery you called a life: it remained.

Soft and gentle as ever, the strands never bothering to move out of place as the cascaded down your smooth shoulders.

It made you absolutely sick.

As the banging grew closer to your door you swore you almost felt a bit of curiosity fill your mind. But who were you kidding, you knew it was only your mind playing tricks on you.

Even as new voices filled the air and quirks seem to go off every which way, you failed to believe it was anything of your concern. You had been tricked long enough, you wouldn’t dare fall for hope again.

Curling your scratched up knees to your chin you let more of your hair cascade around your face, hoping to drown out the sounds and maybe even fall asleep.

The vibrations along the walls were surprisingly lulling to you, your head leaning against the cold concrete as you let your (e/c) irises see the last of this damp room for today. 

But apparently your luck was runnign short today. Just before you could doze off into what freedom you had, the door slammed open.

Your eyes blinked open slowly, your (e/c) orbs peaking up to see which villain you had to heal today, only to see a figure you didn’t recognize.

He was dressed in a uniform, perhaps a villain you’ve never met? But he had no serious injuries, what else could he be here for?

One thing that stuck out to you was the slight confusion and horror that was washed over his expression as he looked you up and down.

If you had any bit of feeling left in your body you would almost be intimidated by the handsome man, his crimson iris’ slicing through you as his lips formed into a snarl showing off his near perfect teeth.

“You’re the flower they’ve been talking about?”

The sound of the word flower made you grimace, the word making you sick to the stomach as a quick flashback of the broken blossom in your hand so many years ago came to mind.

When arriving this the dungeon you now called home, the villains took note of the many blossoms in your hair from your tree at home, deciding to give you the nickname “flower”.

The word you once loved now made you sick.

Your flinching didn’t go un-noticed by the man before you, his eyes narrowing into mere slits as he clenched his fists.

“Sick bastards.”

Before you knew it he was walking over to you, extending out a palm to you awaiting you to take it.

He stood there, his eyes glancing back at the door to make sure no other shitty villain was coming before he glanced back at you only to see your body shoved even further into the corner.

His eyebrow rose in confusion as he shook his hand in an annoyed manor. What the hell were you doing?

“I’ve already done my job for today, please let me rest until tomorrow.” You spoke with quivering lips, only leading the ash blond to click his tongue.

“I’m not here to use you I’m here to get you the hell out of here, I’m a damn hero.”

In that moment you had never felt so overwhelmed in your life. So confused and unsure what to do. Hero? There was such a thing? How could this be real? You were sure your doomed life had been planned out, what was going on? Could life not let you chip away in peace?

The so called “hero” before you was growing impatient. He quickly crouched down on his toes, letting his arms lay across his knees as he looked at you with stern eyes, mumbling something about this being shitty Deku’s job.

“Listen I’m a fucking pro-hero okay? We’ve been chasing this case for months, hearing that the League of Villains had a secret weapon called their “Flower” that’s been the source of all their success these past few years,” The man explained with a sigh as he grit his teeth, “We expected you to be an actual flower, not a damn human, but it turns out these assholes are more disturbing than we expected.”

Your eyes felt glazed over as he offered his hand out once more.

“Now I need you to fucking trust me so I can get you out of here got it?”

For once in these past long years... you felt something. You felt the warm salty water dance across your cheek. You felt the rough rubber of this man’s glove as your slender fingers slid across his own. You felt... damn you say it.. hope.

Swallowing what saliva you had formulated in your mouth, you gave a quick nod before completely taking his hand and allowing him to lift you up from the floor.

One moment you were in the room you had lived in for six years, now you were running down the hallway. Nothing was in your way, it felt so surreal.

This had to be happening for a reason, maybe this was a test. Were they going to kill you if you betrayed them? Who were you kidding, killing you would be the easy way out. They needed you.

When the sight of stairs came into sight your eyes widened, you remembered those from your first day here. Upstairs, outside those doors was the real world.

For a quick second you almost felt like smiling, like screaming from pure joy. But you should’ve known what that would lead to. As a bullet sunk through the chest of the hero before you a scream did end up releasing from your chest.

But not from pure joy.

The hero sunk to his knees, his free gloved hand grasping his now bloodied chest before falling to the ground.

“Now now look what you’ve done flower, you know we have strict rules to keep you safe here.” The villain spoke before you, his gun flicking around his finger as if it were a toy as he began to walk towards you.

So the universe was still playing tricks on you, it wanted to make sure that you knew life still could be worse. And it was, it just kept getting worse and worse.

At least before you didn’t have to see the lifeless bodies that you had caused, but now as you saw the hero before you losing any sign of life in his crimson orbs you felt as if your body was being torn up from the inside. Just like when you saw your parents.

“Come on now flower, let’s get you back to your roo-”

A loud explosion from upstairs was heard causing you and the villain to stumble to your feet. Glancing up you noticed that heavy amounts of dust and ash from the cement walls were clouded around the villain before you.

In that moment you saw two choices. Two choices that life had bestowed upon you. You could either wait for those five seconds and allow the villain to take you back to that prisoned hole.

Or you could safe this hero and possibly have another chance at life. But why would you even try. Had you not learned after six years that life was not in your favor? What was even the point?

As your (e/c) eyes flicked down to the lifeless hero you wanted so badly just to lay beside him and give up, accept the cursed fate stowed upon you.

But as you looked into his crimson eyes, the only thing you could see were the eye’s of your parents. The lifeless look across their expressions as they screamed in pain from the intense flames engulfing them.

Back then you were too weak to do anything about it. You had to watch that happen and allow your life to become what it was. You... You couldn’t do that again.

No.

Gritting your teeth you dragged the hero through one of the now broken down doors, hastily wrapping your locks of hair around his chest as he coughed most likely from pain, holding at his wound.

You narrowed your eyes intensely and focused on making sure you hair wrapped around every inch of his wound.

The ash blond hero narrowed his own eyes up to you weakly, fighting to speak as he watched you maneuver around his corpse.

“W..What the hell are y..you doing?” The hero rasped, his hand trying to grasp around your wrist in an attempt to stop you, “Get the fuck out of here, save... save yourself!”

You simply ignored his pleads, tightening your locks of hair before inhaling deeply.

“Flower, gleam and glow, let your power shine..” You spoke softly, your eyes closing in focus as the hero before you gave you a crazed expression, “Make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine.”

Initially the hero was disturbed by your soft singing, wondering if this was some sort of song of lost hope. How could you accept your fate like this? He couldn’t seem to plug anything together until he noticed your roots of your long (h/c) locks glow a bright golden color, the bright effect slowly cascading down your locks like a waterfall.

“Heal what has been hurt, change the fates’ design,” You sang peacefully, channeling your quirk’s energy to the man’s injury, “Save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine...”

Upon those words of the song your gentle (e/c) eyes opened slowly to glance down to the hero beneath you, his eyes growing wider as a mix of shock from your quirk’s magic and his sudden energy being brought back to him.

“What once was mine.”

The ash blond failed to notice his steady breathing once again, rather focusing on your hair’s golden shine fading away as your locks began to loosen from around his chest. His eyes followed down to his once bloody chest to now see the hole from the wound completely gone.

Suddenly it all made sense.

You were their healing flower, the source of their power. None of the members of the League of Villains were being taken down because they had unlimited lives. That’s why they had no fear running into battles, they knew they had no risk. Because they had you.

The young hero wasn’t sure if it was from the purely radiant song you sang, or maybe it was the action that had become of the song, or maybe now he was realizing just how truly beautiful you were inside and out. As if he had known you for years. But there was one thing he knew for sure.

Sitting up from his laid down position, the hero gently held both of your palms into his own as he gave you a gentle yet stern look.

“Flower, I will protect you at all costs, from this day on. You will never see the likes of these sick bastards again. We’re going to survive this and I’m going to be your damn hero.”

What was that feeling? The overwhelmingly warm surge through your chest. It felt as if he you had been stabbed in the heart, but it wasn’t pain you were feeling at all. In fact the warmth was spreading through your entire body, as if something inside you had been reawakened.

Part of you wanted to feel concerned about it but you just couldn’t with the other thought swarming in your head.

The hero just called you by the name you swore you would hate for the rest of your life, and yet you felt nothing but trust in the man. The word you swore would always make you feel sick... made you feel hope. 

And for once in six years you allowed the corners of your lips to rise as you took his hand and spoke the first words of your new life with this crimson eyed man.

“I trust you hero.”

[justkending]

Knock, Knock. Chapter 33.

Chapter Summary: There’s some cute moments with Jensen before things start taking an unbelievable turn.

Pairing: (single) Jensen x Reader

Warnings: Cussing, Angst, Fluff, light smut (I don’t like writing it, but I thought I would throw something in there for you guys.)

Word Count: 3000+

Series Masterlist

Part 33:

“She what!” Jensen shouted jumping back from being the big spoon to see your face better while you two laid on his bed.

“Calm down Jens. I handled it.” you said turning and sighing. You grabbed his chin and brought it down to you. “She was just trying to get in my head, and it didn’t work.”

“Didn’t work my ass. You were all sad when I pulled you over to talk to Rob. She didn’t have any right to-”

“I wasn’t sad Jay. Annoyed? Yes, but not sad.” you said moving closer to him to snuggle into his chest.

“Y/N-”

“No, Jensen. I shouldn’t have brought it up, but I thought you would want to know. It’s over, and she may have gotten in my head for a split second, but I’m over it now.” you said closing your eyes as he started rubbing up and down your back. He scooted down from his defensive stage and went back to holding you. If you needed anything right now it was to forget that red head, and to just be in Jensen’s arms.

“I’m sorry. She was wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.” he whispered kissing your temple.

“I know.”

“She was just insecure about herself, and was throwing it on you.”

“I know.”

“She thinks that-”

You could hear his heart rate rising again, so you brought a hand up and covered his mouth. He stopped talking and looked down at you.

“You talk too much.”

He laughed and rolled his eyes, before kissing your hand you had against his lips and wrapping his hand around your wrist before kissing your palm slowly again.

“Wanna help me forget about it?” you asked.

He saw the mischievous gleam in your eyes, and a smirk started forming.

“I would love to help you forget about it.” he said wiggling his eyebrows pulling you closer and tickling your sides.

“Jensen!” you giggled trying to pull back, but showing it impossible at his strength. “Jens!”

“Oh god, I love that giggle!” he shouted going straight to kiss your neck, and flipping to where he was on top of you hovering, and kissing you all over. He paused to look up and see your flushed face with a giant smile plastered on it. “What do you say we get some of these clothes off?”

“I say…” you paused grabbing his neck and bringing him closer to your face. “Yes, sir.” you whispered in his ear. He growled at your comment, and gripped your waist tightly.

“God, you are so fucking hot.” he mumbled as he pulled your skirt down, and than helped you sit up to remove your shirt leaving you just in your matching bra and panties. “Shit.” he said racking his eyes over your body.

“Well someone in this room still has too many clothes on for my liking.” you said eyeing him.

“You? Cause I think you still aren’t done.” he winked going for your bra.

“Eh, eh. Take off your shirt first, sir.” you said pulling at the bottom of his shirt.

“If you keep calling me Sir, I think I may die.” he groaned kissing your neck and shoulders hungrily while you worked on his shirt.

“Now we don’t want that do we?” you said successfully pulling his shirt over his head, and then working on his belt.

__

After a few magical rounds in bed with your extremely hot boyfriend, you realized that it was about dinner time, and you both were starving.

You threw on one of his black t-shirts that was double the size that you needed, and then put on your underwear before moving downstairs to start cooking.

As you were looking in the fridge, you felt him come up behind you, and wrap his arms around your waist.

“Whatcha thinking for food?” he asked. “Because I see something very delicious that I would love take a bite out of.” he nuzzled your neck.

“How do you still have energy?” you laughed. “We were up there for over an hour.”

“Just can’t get enough of you I guess.” he shrugged moving his hands under your shirt.

You moaned at the feeling of his hands, and threw your head back.

“Wanna see if we can go another round?” he asked lowly in your ear.

“I-I-” you started, but he moved his hand further south where you were still sensitive. “Jay-”

“I take that as a yes?” he asked warming your core with his fingers.

You couldn’t get the words out, and just nodded. He quickly spun you around, and lifted you grabbing onto your ass as you wrapped your legs around his waist.

“Couch?” he asked as he started walking quickly.

“I don’t care. Just hurry.” you moaned kissing him furiously.

He bumped the couch, and turned to drop you on it. He moved between your legs, and looked down at you. Your hair was a mess from the hours spent up stairs, and your makeup was barely there. You couldn’t have been more stunning though, and he was just glad to call you his at this point.

Round, you don’t even remember, finished leaving you two panting and coming down from your highs.

“Ok, food now?” he asked.

You laughed, and stood up legs still a little wobbly.

“Yeah, food. I need some substance in me if I plan on walking again.”

“I can help with that.” he said jumping up and throwing you over his shoulder.

You loved when he did this so you just laughed and let him carry you back into the kitchen.

He playfully smacked your ass before putting you down.

“You ass.” you said smacking his arm gently.

“No, you’re ass.” he winked after he sat you down, and you rolled your eyes turning around going back to the fridge. He wolf whistled watching you walk away, and you shook your head as you grabbed some eggs and sausage. “You can’t expect me not to when you have an ass like that.”

“Whatever, just help me make some eggs.” you said handing him the carton while you got the pans ready.

“Yes, ma’am.” he saluted playfully and started getting busy.

__

One week later.

Things had been low key still, and Jensen had left yesterday to start filming again. Leaving you by yourself at the house. Gen would come over with the kiddos every once in a while since Jared was gone as well.

This week had been pretty busy due to some IEP meetings, and other counseling issues. Jensen texted when he could, but you both set aside a time everyday to facetime for a while depending on each others schedule for that day.

Everything was going smoothly so far. That is until your phone started blowing up with notifications while you sat on the floor of your room reviewing some paperwork.

“What the hell?” you said as your phone buzzed on repeat next to your bed.

You picked it up seeing text from co-workers, people you hadn’t talked to since college, random acquaintances, and finally Sadie, and Gen.

Gen: Have you checked the news?!

Gen:  Y/N!!! E news is blowing up!

Gen: Shit, it’s all over Buzzfeed, Twitter, People, and Entertainment Weekly.

Gen: Y/N! Answer your phone!!!

Gen: I’m coming over if you don’t call in the next 5 minutes!!!!

Then there was the text from you sister in-law.

Sadie: Y/N, hey I just saw the news.

Sadie: Are you ok?

Sadie: Hey, your sister just texted and said she can’t get a hold of you, but she’s in class so can’t call.

Sadie: Call when you can. We are worried.

It had been about 10 minutes since those text came in. You were too wrapped up in your work to notice the notifications, but when it started buzzing rapidly you finally took notice.

You were just about to call Gen, when the doorbell rang. You stood up, and ran down the stairs having a good feeling you knew exactly who it was.

Sure enough when you opened the door, there stood Gen with her purse swung carelessly over her shoulder, and her hair disheveled from running her hand through it.

“Why weren’t you answering my text?” she shouted as she marched in and left you wide eyed at the door.

“Because my phone was on silent and charging. It wasn’t until about 3 minutes ago I even heard the notifications.” you sighed shutting the door, and following her into the living room.

She was standing in front of your couch looking for the remote that was right in front of her, but she was too high strung to see it.

“Where the hell-”

“On the end table Gen.” you pointed before crossing your arms. She found it and quickly turned on the news.

You turned in your spot when you heard Jensen’s name, and looked up at the mounted screen.

“In news today, we just got word that Jensen Ackles is no longer single.” the tiny blonde haired news reporter for some entertainment channel said. “But the question is how long? We heard from a little birdy that she isn’t truly in it for him. The women is an educator from Oklahoma, who has nothing to her name. I guess if you’re from Oklahoma, who would know you right?”

“What the hell?” you said getting angry, but were cut off from her continuing to put you down.

“As we know in the past, Jensen had his heart broken from his ex Danneel Harris. Although, now we are starting to wonder if that is even the story. After getting some more background from Danneel herself, we are starting to realize that there is more to their old relationship than we thought.” she said raising her eyebrows.

“What is this Gen? What are they talking about?” you said turning to the brunette who was watching just as closely.

“Shhhh. This is new. I haven’t seen this.” she said never breaking her eye line from the TV.

You huffed out an annoyed breath before turning back. When you looked at the screen is was a video of Danneel.

“Jensen was the sweetest guy. Hell, he still is. I wanted the world for him, and when I told him that…” she took a dramatic pause and acted as if she was trying to hold back tears. “He pushed me away. He made accusations saying I was only in it for the fame. That was far from the truth. I loved him so much. I still do, and that’s why I’m worried that this new girl of his, Y/N Y/L/N, is the one that is only in it for the media. I mean, she’s a nobody from a nobody town. What other reason would she have for being with him?” she paused as she let a few fake pathetic tears roll down her cheek. “I just want him to be safe and not get hurt. I have a really bad feeling about her, and after she threatened me-”

“She threatened you?” the reported asked as you audibly gasped.

“Oh, I didn’t mean for that to slip. No, she-” she took a breath. “I don’t know if you would call it threatening, but she said that I needed to watch myself if I got in the way.”

“Wow. Well, you heard it here everyone. Y/N Y/L/N is definitely someone we will be monitoring. We wouldn’t want our precious Jensen Ackles getting hurt, so we are going to be there to protect him. This is Kelly-”

The TV went black as Gen turned it off, and turned to you waiting for a response.

“That’s why I came over. It looks like it’s already escalated from the 5 minutes it took me to get here.” she mumbled.

You were looking down at the ground with your hands in your hair, and you felt tears making their way to your eyes.

“Y/N, talk to me hun.” she whispered coming around to you and placing a hand on your shoulder.

“The world thinks I’m a monster.” you breathed out.

“Hey, but you’re not.” she cooed grabbing you and hugging you close.

“Gen- I-I-”

“Shhhhh… Here, let’s sit you down and figure this out.” she pulled back and sat you on the couch. “I’m going to make some coffee, and we can talk.”

You nodded, but didn’t really see a brighter side to this situation. It all looked dark from where you were sitting.

“Hey, it’ll all work out. We will get this handled, and get the truth out there. Plus, this is your life. Not theirs. They have no right to judge from the outside in.” she saw you still in a state of shock, and rubbed your arm before going to get the drinks.

You grabbed your phone and wondered why Jensen hadn’t called you yet. He was probably shooting, and would be for the next few hours so he couldn’t come to the phone. So while you waited for your friend to bring back the warm comforting drink that you may have needed spiked, you grabbed your phone and started going through your messages.

Terry (co-worker): Hey, I just saw the news! Are you ok? Do you need to talk?

Claire (co-worker): Omg! I didn’t know you were dating Jensen Ackles! Girl we need to talk soon!!!

Peyton (old college friend): Hey girl. I know we don’t talk much anymore, but I saw the news and wanted to check in. Let me know if you want to hang out or talk soon.

Tori (college acquaintance): Gurl!!! You got that man, and you’re going to do that to him? Shit! I thought you were better than this...

Monique (bar buddy/ co-worker): hey sis! My phone is blowing up with news on you. Need a drinking buddy?

There were more. Some harsh, some reassuring, and others from numbers you didn’t even recognize. Maybe checking that so soon wasn’t a good idea.

“Hey, don’t look at that!” Gen said reading your mind, and snatching your phone from you, and throwing it on the other couch out of reach. “You read that stuff and you’re only going to get more worked up. Here, drink this.” she said handing you the drink.

You took it like you were on autopilot. You took a sip and grimaced at how strong it was.

“I may have added a few shots to it.” she grinned guilty.

“I think I’m going to need more than a few shots.” you mumbled taking a bigger sip now that you knew what to expect.

“Ok, so lets talk.” she said getting comfortable beside you.

“Where are the boys? Shouldn’t you be with them?” you asked.

“Mom has them. I told her it was an emergency, and she came over asap.”

“You didn’t have to-”

“Yes, I did. Now, get what’s on your chest off. Lay it on me.” she said wrapping her hands around the ceramic mug.

“What the hell Gen? What the hell is going on?” you shouted.

“I know. I know.” she nodded.

You went on  a rant for a good 30 minutes. This was something you two did back in the day. If either of you had boy problems, girl drama, or just needed to vent. You would make coffee, and sit criss crossed facing each other. One shouting, venting, ranting, and the other listening.

“I mean seriously! Who the FUCK does she think she is?!” you shouted after finishing your drink.

“A bitch that’s who.” Gen mumbled.

“What the hell do we do Gen? She made me look like a complete monster, and fool out there.” you sighed falling back into your seat.

“Listen, I’m sure Jensen’s manager and agent will have a say in this. The boys are shooting right now and can’t talk, but I’m sure as soon as they can, Jensen will see everything and call immediately.”

“Good. I need to hear his voice right now.” you sat in silence thinking about you two. “Gen?”

“Hmm?”

“What if- what if this is why we shouldn’t be together?” you said so quiet she barely heard.

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t get me wrong! I love Jensen. I love him with all my heart, but…”

“But?” she said concern filling her eyes.

“We live two different lifestyles. I don’t understand the whole Hollywood, acting, and everyone in our business all the time life.” you explained. “I grew up moving around in small towns a majority of my life. I went to college and became a teacher and later counselor. I wouldn’t exactly call that magazine worthy.”

“Hey! Don’t degrade yourself.” she said sternly.

“I’m not Gen. I’m just speaking the truth. We live and know two VERY different lifestyles. I just don’t know-”

“NO! Don’t say that. Sure, you guys have different careers that have very different effects on the world, but look at the background things. You both are family oriented. Because of that, you both are so close with your family, and even want to have one of your own. You both are hard headed loons who somehow get along great. You both never take less than you deserve. You both always speak your truth. You both want to make a difference in the world. And the way I see it… You want to do it together.” she smiled.

“Gen-”

“There are always going to be trying, and difficult times. It’s about adjusting. At least that’s what one of my really good friends said. If you really want something. You will adjust and grow.” she put a hand on your knee.

You looked at it and covered her hand with yours.

“You’re right. I’m in my head.” you let out a long breath. “We need to figure out a way to spread the truth out there.” you said looking at the TV which was still black. “Maybe I should take off tomorrow.”

“Maybe.”

“Hey, can you stay the night?” you asked. “We have those extra guest rooms and my room if you want to bring the boys over. I just don’t know if I want to be alone with my thoughts tonight.” you muttered.

“Of course. I’ll have my mom bring the boys over in an hour or so. That way,” she got up grabbing your coffee, and walking back to the kitchen. “We can let loose a little more before they get here.” she winked at you before disappearing into the other room.

“That sounds like a good plan.” you nodded getting up to follow.

My lovelies:

@shamelesslydean @sleepless-sin  @sandlee44 @gripmetight-raisemefromperdition @supersleepygoat @justanotherwaywardsister @spnwoman @ravengirl94 @carryonmywaywardcaptain @ezilyamuzed @thosekidswhohuntmonsters@purpleskiesandcherrypies@anise-d-castle6 @tailsoflightning @spookycowz @eve05glee @snffbeebee @angelessquirrel @deans-baby-momma@natura1phenomenon @tftumblin @gh0stgurl@screechingartisancashbailiff @herscrunchiehairtie @dreaminemz @staradorned @monkeymcpoopoo@a-girl-who-loves-disney@andthatsmyworld @angelkurenai @greenarrowhead@savio-the-depressed-moose@awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @greyeyedsmile14  @adoptdontshop-blog@casper57@traceyaudette@rainflowermoonlibrary@rainflowermoonlibrary@luciathewinchestergirl @almostelegantfire@thefaithfulwriter @the-is13@kaz11283 @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @squirrelgirl67 @jackles-15 @lauravic @deansgirls-1968

[themeerkatnate]

This is dedicated to my poorly educated, reiligious, transphobic mother. You wanna reblog it, go ahead.

Being transgender, is not a matter of age. Is not a matter of if you didn’t show signs when you’re a kid then you’re not valid and you’re wrong and confused.

Yes I was 12. Yes I was a pre teen but you aren’t in my mind, you can’t read minds and know why I was thinking, but I’ve been feeling this way long enough to know exactly what I was looking for. I knew I was looking for “how to become a man” “is it possible to change sexes” when I previously already was identifying as bisexual. And still am, and very proud to be one too.

I know what makes me feel comfortable and what doesn’t. I know who I am and have known for a long ass time, and God or whoever you wanna believe in, believes in me, and loves me for me and for being a man. That book aren’t his words, that book is his words taken out of context multiple times, printed over 3000 times and don’t you think words and translations are sometimes VERY wrong.

Transgender isn’t either a “thing of the now” it’s something that has existed over more than thousand years back and the fact people want to keep putting a stigma doesn’t make it wrong or an illness. Biology is complex and so is gender.

I hate what I see every goddamn fucking second of every goddamn fucking day. And it’s not a “weight thing” or “height thing” or “confidence thing” it’s the fact that I don’t belong in this body physically. Yes it’s my home and I can’t transcend or change bodies but I can upper my testosterone levels and change the things and take away the things that make me unhappy. No testosterone doesn’t solve it all, of course I’m doing things to give me peace too and help me feel good and healthy but that doesn’t cut it. I have imagined myself over a thousand times, I have thought about my life if I continued to live this lie only to make you happy and everyone other person. But you yourself have said multiple times to live my life for myself and not for others. So following the only wise advice you have ever given me I’m doing that. Why should I keep trying to force down my throat lies only to make you happy. I’m not happy, I’m not comfortable and I’m not home in my own body. And the only way to feel home is to get testosterone, to get surgery, and how do I know even if I haven’t done it? I can already feel it. I feel it everyday. And I do it everyday, I squeeze and push my chest close to myself to see how it looks flat and I love that feeling and I wish it could just stay that way without pushing them close. I don’t want a chest. How do I know myself? HM I WONDER. Maybe cause I live with myself every fucking day and I know myself better than you do. Maybe cause I have thought about a thousand times the moments that I’ve tried to attempt suicide that I don’t want to be buried like this, I don’t want to be remembered like this, I don’t want to die with this name, with this body, with how I look, with what it says on my birth certificate. I know myself and I know who I am and what I am. And this is not something I’m going to discuss forward. It’s a fact. It’s a reality. It’s like 2+2 is 4 and you cannot discuss that cause it’s a fact. So stop being so selfish, and thinking only about yourself, and what other people might think, cause I don’t care, and you shouldn’t either. This is my identity, this is how I choose to live my life, how I choose to be happy, how I choose to feel comfortable in my own body cause it’s the way that will work for me just like it has worked with multiple people before me. And I don’t have “daddy issues” I’m not trying to be a father, or copy him, especially cause he’s a horrible being most of the time and no thank you, I don’t wish to copy his behavior and I feel already cursed I have his genes, so thanks for your concern but I’m not trying to be anybody but myself. This is not a reality that happened due to being influenced. Cause I wasn’t influenced by nofucking body. There’s barely any trans figure in tv or movies or social media, and I talked to people who actually listened to me, and they didn’t tell me where to look, or baptized me as transgender. I did that myself. I looked high and low, deep down, I went through many names and pronouns before I told you about it. And may I remind you it’s been six years, I still feel the same way, and in six years more I will feel the same way. And yes it’s your responsibility to love me and care for me, cause that’s why you signed up to be a mother, that’s why you kept your kids instead of giving them up or aborting them. Cause you wanted them, and what you’re magically not gonna love me, or care about me, or support me cause of the solely fact that I’m not your daughter, I’m your son. And suddenly that washes away any sort of unconditional love? Yes you have a lot to learn and you will learn with the years of you want to support me and are interested in keep on loving me. And if you don’t, just like that dad and the rest of the family? That’s fine by me, you’re the only one missing out and I feel bad for you. Cause I am quite the most amazing person with a lot of qualities and don’t worry I’m not alone, I have people that actually love me and care about me and support me even if they aren’t blood related. Whatever dude if you wanna do that, I’m going to be okay.

[sophfandoms53]

Endgame Talk

This little discussion is gonna have massive spoilers for Avengers Endgame. This is your warning if you have not seen the movie. If you haven’t seen it, just scroll all the way down as fast you can. If you have seen it or you don’t care about spoilers, then welcome! As for the rest of you, you have been warned.

Okay so. I know we’ve all got our own opinions on Endgame, the way the plot works, the way certain characters were treated, and especially with its ending.

I’ve read a lot of reviews and reactions about Endgame the past few days and in all honesty. There isn’t much I disagree with. A lot of the critiques given to the film are valid critiques. Some are just nitpicks that don’t really matter. But over all, the criticism is pretty fair.

In regards to the time travel, I barely understood how it worked in the film. All I know is that it worked and everyone came back. All I needa know lmao. I didnt understand time travel in back to the future, I didnt understand it in gravity falls, I didnt understand it in TMNT, I didnt understand it in Power Rangers, and I don’t understand it during this movie.

Time travel is a very difficult thing to figure out with story telling as every move made has its consequences. Which is why when I see people saying “The time travel in this movie created plot holes.” It makes me laugh because uh duh it’s time travel, of course it creates plot holes. We have yet to see any creator or writer do time travel and not have it cause plot holes or confusion. This doesn’t excuse said plot holes but it clears up that Endgame isn’t the first victim of the trouble time travel has on its story.

Okay let’s talk about Tony and Steve’s endings.

Oh boy.

I’ll start with Steve because right now I ain’t ready to talk about Tony.

Steve went back in time to put the infinity stones in their proper places before the team originally went back to bring everyone back and he was suppose to come right back to the present (or future in their case) but he doesn’t. Instead he stays in the 70’s (which is when he and tony got the Tesseract) and forms a relationship with Peggy and when we see him again in present (future) time he’s the age he would be if he was never frozen back in the 40’s.

Now, while I do agree this causes a lot of confusion in regards to events in Civil War and such but. That’s our timeline. What happened with Steve staying back in the 70’s was that he created an alternate time line where, all the events we all saw still exist, but he was able to live a happy marriage with Peggy. Or at least that’s how I saw it honestly. Steve staying in the 70’s didn’t change or alter anything in the main timeline. We know this because we saw that nothing changed.

Also. Steve never belonged in this time period anyway. In The First Avenger, Steve is fighting in WW2 and it’s a soldier. He was meant to be in the 40’s but he made a sacrifice that caused him to wake up in modern day. And while Steve did a lot as Captain America, that doesn’t change that this isn’t where he belongs. He watched as everyone in his past was either changed (Bucky being mind controlled) or lost (Watching Peggy die). Steve’s entire past kept coming back to haunt him. Which is why he took the opportunity to stay in the 70’s with Peggy. To give himself a happy ending. This was something foreshadowed throughout the film as well.

Now. Lets talk about the big one.

Tony Stark.

Firstly.

UM OW????? MARVEL YOU LEGIT RIPPED MY HEART OUT FROM MY CHEST AND STEPPED ON IT AND THREW IT IN THE STREET TO GET RUN OVER BY A CAR! HOLY SHIT THAT HURT. AND LIL BABY PETER PARKER CLINGING TO TONY DIDNT HELP NONE. GAH MY HEARTT. IM STILL CRYING OVER THIS

Okay. Now that that’s out. Lets talk Tony Stark.

Imma be real. The minute Morgan Stark (whom is adorable and needs absolute protection) popped out of the tent, I knew Tony’s fate. I had a huge feeling Tony wasn’t gonna make it out. And it hurt that I was right.

However, as much as it hurt to see Tony die, to see him make the last sacrifice, it makes sense both for story telling and within Tony’s arc as a character.

We’ve watched Tony grow from an arrogant man who didn’t really care for the world around him but his industry, to someone who wants what’s best for his family, who became a mentor of a young kid with a lot of potential to the point that only Tony really believed in him and who wants to protect the world.

We saw Tony go through this arc from beginning to end.

Tony’s never had it easy in his life. He lost a lot, he fought a lot, and he stressed a lot. Tony, throughout these films, has never had a proper time to relax and appreciate what he has because he was always fighting to protect himself, the ones he loves and the world. It got to the point in Iron Man 3 that Tony began losing sleep and could not rest because of all the torment he has been through.

Keep in mind Iron Man 3 takes place The Avengers and what happened in Avengers? Loki and a huge attack on New York that only they could stop. And who sent Loki on this attack?

Thanos.

It always comes back to Thanos.

Joe Rousso confirmed back during Infinity War that Thanos and Tony have connection.

In the sense of story telling, Thanos acts as a foil to Tony.

In an interview, one of the Rousso’s said:

“It’s all the heroes. I think he has the most specific connection to Tony because Tony is a futurist, and he has predicted a threat like Thanos. It’s lived in his brain even though he couldn’t name it. Tony is the most desperately driven, down to the core, to react against something like Thanos, although all the heroes will face a threat, no matter who it is or where it comes from. But I think this is intrinsic to Tony’s psychology, and because Tony started it all with Iron Man, he has a special connection to the threat that’s facing him."

Despite not meeting until Infinity War, Thanos and Tony have always had a connection. Thanos was the one that kept Tony restless. The reason he stressed everyday. Thanos was the reason Tony has to witness the loss of all his allies and surrogate son.

It’s all been Thanos.

The reason I call Thanos Tony’s foil is because of this connection.

Thanos and Tony have similar goals. They both believe what they’re doing is the greater good for the world. There’s a connection between them because of how they both think and operate. It’s why Thanos tells Tony he has respect for him in Infinity War. Thanos understands Tony’s view. And because he understands, Thanos serves to show Tony, and the audience what Tony would’ve become had he not grown and became obsessed with “balance” instead of the greater good.

In doing so, Thanos couldn’t live in a world without Tony and Tony couldn’t live in a world without Thanos.

Now I know some of you are probably like, “But Tony did live in a world without Thanos. He spent 5 years without Thanos around.”

and you’re right.

Technically, you’re right.

However.

Even within those 5 years, Tony was still haunted by what Thanos did. How Thanos won and that they lost. We saw throughout Endgame that Tony never forgave himself for what happened and especially for what happened to Peter.

Despite Thanos being dead, Tony is still haunted at the memory of Thanos and all the damage he created.

Hence why Peter was Tony’s main motivation throughout the film. When the team attempts to ask Tony for help regarding time travel, Tony declines as he says his too risky and because he doesn’t want to lose what he has now. Which is Pepper and Morgan.

His wife and daughter mean more to Tony than anything. We’ve seen Tony’s love for Pepper grow and we saw how much Tony loves his daughter. I love you 3000!

He got 5 happy years with them. Tony had his happy ending for as long as he could. Until once again, Thanos’ actions came back to haunt him. Seeing, remembering, that Peter was one of the people that were lost during Infinity War, the kid Tony grew to love as a son, and looked over and mentoured, Tony never stopped working on trying to bring Peter back. Without Peter, Tony felt like he failed.

At the end of the day Tony wasn’t worried about himself, he wanted Peter safe and sound. He wanted the world to be saved.

Tony needed closure. He needed to know the evil that haunted him for years was gone. He needed to know that his family and friends were safe. He needed to know that he fought until his end. And he did just that.

Tony Stark never ever stopped fighting. Ever.

Which is why Tony makes the ultimate sacrifice.

Using the stones and losing his own life.

Yes it hurt. A lot. It affected us and the characters in the film. But that’s how Tony’s arc was suppose to end.

It’s why Pepper said, “You can rest now.”

Tony fought Thanos non-stop for years and years on end. He never thought he could be at peace. But when he saw all his loved ones around for him, especially Pepper, his loving wife and Peter, the boy he risked everything for, and that they were officially safe and the monster that haunted him could no longer harm his family. He go be at peace.

He could pass on peacefully.

Tony Stark learned to love. Learned to care. Learned to grow. Learned that you’re not always alone.

Tony Stark learned all that he needed to in order make the final sacrifice in order to kill Thanos.

Tony Stark put the world’s protection before his own life.

Tony Stark is the true super hero.

His final words,

“And I... Am Iron Man.”

Were that for a reason, not just as a call back to he ending of the first film.

Those were his final words because Iron Man is not Tony Stark.

Tony Stark is Iron Man.

Tony Stark is the hero.

It’s the lesson Tony taught Peter with the phrase, “If you’re nothing without this suit than you shouldn’t have it.”

It’s not the suit that makes the superhero, but the person who wears it.

Tony Stark wears the Iron Man armor.

Tony Stark is the hero, not Iron Man.

Tony Stark’s arc has concluded.

There is no denying the pain and tears that were felt and shed during Tony’s death. But it was his time to go.

It was Tony’s time to rest.

Tony Stark fought and lived hard.

Tony Stark died happy, at peace and as a hero.

~We love you 3000 Tony~

Thanks for reading this far if you did. This is just my take on the film. Don’t take it as fact alright. What did you guys think of Endgame?

[a-dreaming-artist]

Take Your Heart- Chapter 1

Ryuji Sakamoto was in love.

He had only come to face this fact very recently, after all the feeling just came out of nowhere. It all happened when the Phantom Thieves were training in Mementos. Akira, also known as Joker, commanded everyone to perform an all out attack on the weakened opponent. Once the shadow was defeated Akira had looked over at Ryuji and gave him a smile that was out of character for his Joker personality. This caused Ryuji’s heart to melt instantly, he got butterflies in his stomach and even lost his breath. Morgana made a snarky comment about how such a weak foe made Ryuji so tired, but Ryuji knew it wasn’t the shadow that caused this shortness of breath. There was only one person in the world who could cause this to happen, and that was Akira Kurusu.

Ryuji didn’t know when these feelings started to develop, how long he refused to accept that the feelings existed. All he knew was when Akira smiled at him, with that absolutely adorable and warm smile of his, he fell for him even more. Though Ryuji would rather die than let anyone know about this stupid crush of his, he’d be completely embarrassed and afraid they’d tell Akira. The only problem is, Ryuji is terrible at keeping things under the radar.

“Do you like Akira?”

Ryuji looked up from his paper, looking directly at Ann who had promised to help him study.

“What the hell does that have to do with studying?”

“Nothing it’s just…” Ann paused, thinking of a way to phrase her words, “You’ve been acting pretty weird lately… every time Akira walks in the room your face gets a little flushed and your mood instantly goes from ok to great.”

“Well he’s my best friend… why wouldn’t I be happy to see him? Now can you help me with this? I don’t understand it” Ryuji was hoping this would be enough to get Ann to drop the topic

“Ya in a second, I still want to talk about this… if you do it’s not a big deal! We all accept you for who you are…. and I’m just kinda curious…”

Ryuji paused, avoiding Ann’s eyes as he thought about his decision. Was he going to tell her? Sure he trusted Ann, they literally fought shadows together almost everyday which requires a lot of trust among your team. In fact the problem wasn’t whether or not he trusted Ann, the problem was Ryuji. Ryuji was just scared to admit the truth, he wasn’t ashamed of this feeling, he was just scared this could ruin the current relationship him and Akira have.

Ryuji must have been silent for to long because Ann spoke again saying, “It’s alright, I won't force you to tell me”

“I like Akira”

Ann’s eyes widened, surprised she actually got an answer, but then went back to normal as she gave Ryuji a smile.

“I knew it!” She exclaimed happily, causing Ryuji’s face to turn red.

“Hey not so loud! We’re in a public place. Besides didn’t you say it’s not a big deal??” Ryuji whispered, looking around to see a few people giving them strange looks.

“Sorry sorry, I just got a little excited. I’m happy you told me.”

“Ya whatever… you just have to promise you won’t tell the others. Especially Akira.”

“Don’t worry Ryuji I wouldn’t betray your trust like that… but I do think you should ask Akira out” Ann mumbled out the last part, knowing Ryuji would never actually do it.

“What? Hell no.” Ann sighed, she knew he was going to say that yet was still disappointed.

“Why not?”

“Uh because there’s no way he would actually go out with me. I don’t even think he’s gay.”

“Ya your right…” Ann paused and looked at the disappointed expression Ryuji had when she said that, “he’s not gay….. he’s bi”

“Wait for real?” Ryuji’s eyes lit up, he had hope again.

“Of course! Have you not noticed?? He constantly compliments you and the guys.”

Now that Ryuji thinks about it, he starts to realize all the flirty comments Akira has ever made. This causes his face to light up like a Christmas tree

“Oh my god” he mumbled out, looking down and resting his hands on his neck. Ann let out a laugh, making Ryuji feel even more embarrassed.

“Wow you really are dense”

“Shut up!!”

Ann laughed even more, holding onto her stomach as she bent forward. All the clues were laid out for him, yet he never noticed them. It was like a puzzle, once you put the pieces together you get the full picture. However in this case it was almost like Ryuji was a toddler trying to put a 3000 piece puzzle together.

When Ann and Ryuji finally pulled themselves together, they continued studying. However Ryuji couldn’t focus, he was to busy thinking about Akira.

Does Akira like me? He flirts with a lot of people, so it’s probably just his personality… But what if it’s not? There’s always a chance he actually feels the same. Maybe Ann is right.. I should ask him out.

Ann and Ryuji wrapped up their studying session and went their separate ways. It was only 5:37, meaning Ryuji could still hang out with Akira, especially since he was feeling confident.

Alright! Your gonna tell him! No backing out now Ryuji!

He pulled out his phone, clicked on Akira’s contact and started typing

“Hey man, you free? I just finished up with Ann and really need a break. My brain is fried”

Ryuji stared at his phone for a minute or two before he finally got a response

“Sorry I can’t, I’m with Makoto right now. Maybe tomorrow”

All of the confidence he had went down the drain.

Makoto again.

Ryuji likes Makoto, she’s nice and is basically the mother of the group. However he’d be lying if he didn’t admit he was jealous of how much time Akira was spending with her.

It was simple at first, they’d have their own small study group together, and occasionally hang out in their free time. However lately they’ve been getting together more and more. At one point Makoto asked Akira to be her pretend boyfriend, and he agreed.

Ryuji sighed and responded with a simple “it’s alright” before putting his phone away. If Akira had feelings for Makoto, he’d be ok with it, as long as he’s happy Ryuji is happy.

Ryuji entered his house with a sigh, his mom wasn’t home, meaning he was all alone. He walked up to his room and laid down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Of course he’d want Makoto over you… she’s smart, beautiful, caring. She has everything. All I have is my stupidity, childish behavior, and above all jealousy. I have nothing.

Ryui groaned and rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. If Akira is happy, Ryuji’s happy… but why doesn’t he feel happy? Why does it hurt so much? Ryuji is used to being rejected, it’s happened quite a lot, He was always okay with it back then. Why isn’t he okay now?

Ryuji closed his eyes and sighed.

Can someone please come and change my heart?

[eyeofthestorm888]

The Zugun case, world famous – and much disputed – in its day, is unique in several aspects, primarily

in the sheer number of phenomena recorded (more than 3000, out of which 844 are extremely well established)

in the fact that the focus person lived close together with the prime researcher, Zoë, Countess Wassilko, sharing even their room for a period in excess of one year

and in the methodical approaches implemented in the course of its investigation:

the attempt to communicate with the unconscious of the focus person by various means, none the least in order to provoke phenomena

the attempt to transform the character of the phenomena systematically from spontaneous ones to séance phenomena

a psychoanalysis of the focus person (this case appears to be the first one where psychoanalysis has been applied on an RSPK focus person)

confrontation of the focus person with other mediums or psychics

cinematographic documentation of part of the phenomena.

In other aspects, however, the Zugun case fits well into the general character of RSPK cases, e.g. in respect of the age of the focus person at the onset of the poltergeist phenomena, the bandwidth of categories of phenomena observed, etc.

With regard to the sociology of science (i.e. of Psychical Research), the impact of this case may be seen as dialectic as the above: on one hand – one is tempted to say: ‘as usual’ – an eventual exposure of the focus person with an ensuing endless discussion between the two camps, and on the other hand the unique fact that this case ultimately was to become the cradle of the later Austrian Society for Psychical Research (now Austrian Society for Parapsychology and Border Areas of Science).

The events in short: the case commenced mid-February, 1925 in the Bukowina (Romania), three months before Eleonore Zugun’s 12th birthday, and it lasted for some two years. (In comparison to the material of some RSPK databases, the focus person may be called rather young when the phenomena started, and the duration of the phenomena which terminated shortly after her first menstruation, may be called rather long.)

The poltergeist phenomena started with inexplicable movements of various objects, throwing of rocks as well as locomotion of household items. These were attributed by the superstitious peasant populace to the devil, in Romanian "Dracu", based on an alleged remark made by Eleonore Zugun’s grandmother early in this case who might have induced a devil complex in the girl by that malediction.

When the case came to the knowledge of the regional media, the then eminent German Psychic Researcher, Fritz Grunewald was dispatched to the scene where he was able to establish the occurrence of "genuine paranormal phenomena". As Grunewald happened to die but short time later, the Countess Wassilko whose family used to live for centuries in the Bukowina (the easternmost province of the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy before WW I) firstly visited the girl in her native environment and subsequently took her to Vienna into her own household some time afterwards (end-January, 1926). After a period of some eight months there, she took her for another five months on an extended tour through several European countries, thus enabling many Psychic Researchers as well as interested lay-persons (several hundred people altogether) to witness the Zugun phenomena which had at that time actually changed from the locomotion of small objects, mainly interpreted as apports, to dermographic phenomena (scratches and bites all over her face and her arms). Thus, the Zugun case shows several distinct phases. The case ended practically with the girl's first menstruation, after which there was a quick decline in the number of phenomena. Following that – the "case" being no more a case, only a biography – the girl spent a few more months in Vienna, finishing her training as a hairdresser before eventually returning home in 1928, where she started working, later became married (with no children), widowed, etc., living a "normal" life.

My own research in the Zugun case – the support of which by a grant provided by the "Institut für Grenzgebiete der Psychologie und Psychohygiene" (Institute for Border Areas of Psychology and Psychic Hygiene), Freiburg i. Br., Germany, is gratefully acknowledged – concentrated on the two phases, the period in Vienna (= Phase I) and the tour (= Phase II), with emphasis on the former, and focussed on addressing i.a. the following problems:

establishing the total number of phenomena (Phase I: 1754, Phase II: 1306, totalling 3060, as opposed to Countess Wassilko’s estimate of 5000 approx)

evaluation of the original reports in order to identify indicators for possible fraud (or otherwise pointing towards the "genuineness" of the phenomena):

the original researchers, i.e. Countess Wassilko and her colleagues, had already pointed out that Eleonore Zugun sometimes, if not controlled properly, would resort to trickery, i.e. they viewed upon this case as a "mixed" one

the analysis of the documentary film did not reveal any indicators for fraud

in particular, the film shows Eleonore wearing no ring on her finger, hence the allegation by Dessoir of her fraudulently producing the scratches by pointed fingernails or the sharp-edged setting of her ring, as still perpetuated in Kurtz’ "Skeptic’s Handbook", must strongly be refuted

scrutiny of Rosenbusch’ alleged exposure, the analysis of which showed that it is not tenable; based on his skeptical belief system, Rosenbusch mistook harmless touches evoking reflex dermal phenomena for fraudulent scratches, etc.

(translation and) evaluation of Eleonore Zugun’s psychoanalysis:

This analysis, however, has been carried out somehow amateurish and I have reasons to presume that a few of the underlying complexes (i.e. an alleged rape and an incestuous episode) attributed to Eleonore by the Countess might have been connect to her own unconscious (countertransference). This supposed countertransference is likely to have been instrumental for the transformation of the Zugun phenomena from apports or locomotion of objects to dermographic phenomena

though being very likely, it could, due to the lack of sources, still not positively be established whether the Zugun case was brought to the attention of Sigmund Freud himself

investigation of the frequency distribution of the phenomena, the question being whether the distribution of maxima and minima showed an internal periodicity or any correlation with external variables (or is entirely random):

Countess Wassilko, after observing the phenomena for two months, hypothesised that the frequency distribution showing one distinct maximum per month was an anticipation of the female cycle

Schrenck-Notzing, who, by the way, supported the Countess’ research by a substantial grant, hypothesised that the maxima of phenomena appeared to coincide with the full moon

Neither of these contemporary and somewhat premature hypotheses, formulated after too short a period of observation, could be supported. The distribution of phenomena during the entire time of more than one year does not show any periodicity that comes even close to an equivalent of the menstrual cycle nor could any correlation be found when probing modern hypotheses (correlation with maxima/minima of the geomagnetic field [Persinger] the values of which were supplied by the World Data Center C1 for Geomagnetism, Copenhagen, Denmark; or LST [Spottiswoode]). The correlation coefficient for the geomagnetic hypothesis is

r = 0.085 and 0.021 respectively

(for the two phases ea.), whereas for the hypothetical dependency upon the phases of the moon the respective values are

r = 0.028 and r = 0.015.

Hence, it has been established that these external variables had no influence on the frequency of the Zugun phenomena whatsoever. The circadian distribution is significantly different btn Phase I and Phase II, due to the different circumstances of everyday life, obviously dependent upon the Countess’ daily rhythms, i.e. a social variable. Moreover, it could be demonstrated that there is an apparently strong albeit hard-to-quantify correlation with purely psychological variables, such as suggestions, or skin contact, etc. that had impact on the phenomena, on both their frequency and their character, e.g. reflex reactions on being touched.

After all, this extraordinary case offers the feasibility to discuss all the above on two (or even more) levels, i.e. the case as such, and the case as a prime methodological example for applying quantitative methods on a hitherto apparent qualitative case, thus combining proof-oriented and process-oriented aspects. This approach to historic cases is different from mere reception studies. It demonstrates that the existing abundance of historic cases in parapsychology is a most valuable "treasure" that needs to be re-evaluated periodically – a permanent process –, and that the gap between idiographic and nomothetic approaches can indeed be bridged.

[thinkingeek]

#1 The Perpetual State of Loneliness

Hi. I am a person living in the sad world of 2019, soon to be 2020 and I must say, the world hasn’t been as good for me as it is now. This is quite a weird time for me, I am enrolled into a film school which shows zero to no credibility, I have dropped out of my engineering course because it made anxious and depressed, I have no big financial backing or anything else except a few friends to achieve what I want to. Still, I am not scared of the future. And believe me I know what being scared for the future is. I constantly experienced that when I was doing engineering course. But today is not about my or the world’s future. Today is about the only thing which stuck with me from childhood till now, and as sad as it may be, it is the only thing that defines me more than a mass floating on a ball of quarks in the milky way galaxy, LONELINESS.

When I was a child, I had friends and they used to change everyday. Some were constant therefore too boring the others, AMAZING but for just a day or two. But it was fine. It wasn’t until the demons of puberty hit me with their hormones I started to experience something called embarrassment and this idea of “caring what other people think”.

This idea gets a bad rep. It is important to care what others think or else we won’t have a civilization, will we? The idea of a rogue who is just pleasing himself with his work and people stick around because he is dipped in molten gold by the Gods of Metallurgy is a romantic idea and also not true. At Least not for me. I need people, I live off their happiness. It’s one of the reasons I became a filmmaker. When you simulate laughter or terror or sadness or any other emotion for that matter on a human being, it is the most awesome thing ever.

Anyway, last four years of my life were the toughest to live. Multiple suicide contemplations, a dramatically annoying snobbish attitude towards the people around me (as if I know some sad secret of living on earth and they don’t), an all time rejection of everything anyone ever said to me and continuous fear of the future so much so that I preferred closing my eyes than opening them to face the world. This took a massive toll on my relations with everyone around me. People thought I was judging them and I thought they were judging me and in the most dramatic sense, all my friends broke off. It isn’t something you see in a movie, where there is a big fight. Nope. You just stop getting any calls. It was a year or two in this period of my life I realised I was extremely lonely and in need of belonging. Family’s fine but I needed friends. But this goal had a problem, and the problem was I didn’t know where do you go to make friends. I mean, is there a gift shop where I can buy any, or is there some app, remarkably enough there is but things hardly go beyond chats on phone there. This was the time films became my window towards humanity. I was frequently implied a misanthrope by some people around me. And they were kinda’ right as well. They knew I reek of loneliness but I know that I had a desire for belonging, the third from the bottom of the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Yep. That’s the image linked down below.

So my solution for achieving that desire for belonging was by attacking the last piece of the pyramid, The Self Actualization part by making things. I wasn’t making things you can touch. These were programs run from a computer. I thought that if I were to be a cool guy who knows so much about computers (Yes. Computers are cool where I live) people will come to me with to fulfill my need for love and belonging. This was an extremely naive idea which in a way helped me with other things but obviously didn’t work for accomplishing that third monster on that damned pyramid.

This was also the time I was addicted to the internet, YouTube especially. The people I was watching were cool. They were great and they were living great lives. They were getting so many people who knew and cared about them. And I wanted to be that. So I also start a YouTube channel. It went so far to gain me 3000 eyeballs and the feeling of looking at the view-count is just as monolithic and misanthropic as the word “eyeballs”. This was my life for the last four years, a continuous search for belongingness with the pressure of engineering and future.

Something changed in 2019 though, the best decision of my life was taken by my misanthropic self. And that was to dropout. I had watched a lot of videos about not dropping out on YouTube and all of them focused a lot on this idea that you will have extreme “inferiority complex” once you drop out which obviously will drive me away from my belongingness needs so I held back to drop out unless the academics of engineering was unbearable for me and I quit.

I enrolled myself into a film school in a different city which sprung from a theory that “I can always lie about me not being a dropout and it will be fine.” which I must say, was not at all a bad idea.

I am back home now for my winter break and the happiest in years. I still reek of loneliness but so do my friends there in film school, some don’t and they are uncool for us. On the contrary to what I planned, I didn’t lie about me being a dropout, rather I was the most honest I had ever been in my life. I continuously speak about loneliness and my past life with my friends and many of them compete to tell their stories of similar nature. I still don’t know if it’s just me and a few around me who experience this or is everyone in the constant struggle to attain people and failing at it and I think the second one might be true but I don’t know.

I am writing this post because I am back in my city and I have no one to talk to. I am 20 years old, in the first year of my film school, clueless about future, single (never had a single girlfriend in my life except one time for one year), not cool, kind of ugly, but happy. Comfortable.

Loneliness is fine. It is something which gets on your nerves and trust me I am feeling lonely right now but IT IS FINE! Loneliness, like every single problem with our brains, can only be temporarily fixed by talking to someone you like and someone who likes you. For me, it is my family. Yes, boring but there. Not someone I need to spend all my efforts chasing and tracking down.

Now, is it that I don’t want anything from life now? Hell NOOOO! There are a lot of things I want and a lot to do and a lot of people to meet. I want a girlfriend, I want to make an oscar winning blockbuster, I want to buy a house and have a cat and have children and tell my stories to them and help them get through their problems and die with every single one who matters to me by my side. I want all of it. But right now, I want to click post soon enough to get this out of my system, that’s all.