#3 times now theyve come to bed only to get pissed off and get back up again while i just. sit here and sob | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jenna-jayde-the-renagade · 4 years ago

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So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

#thisiswhattranslookslike #girlslikeus #transgender #mtf #trans #transition #hrt #transgender girl #transformation #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically sick #crohns disease

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danceingiceprincess · 6 years ago

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My ocs for BNHA

I have like so many fucking ocs with so many different quirks its hard to keep track some times i may talk a lot about them. I wanna share them xD ive got

Usagi who has an ice quirk (she was my first one for BNHA) so her quirk is black ice with purple speckles (based of obsidian in minecraft) in it and its pretty more durable than normal ice. But if she uses it too much, her wrists, ankles and neckstart to frost. She tends to use her ice with her martial arts she learned. Cuz when she was younger she thought martial arts was very beautiful and wanted to learn it.

Kára whos got a medical creation quirk, she is obessed with Izuku and has known him sincechildhood and has said shes gonna marry him from like age 5. She comes off as obessive towards Izu. But like she just wants him happy. Even if its with someone else. She always going between sizes as her quirk works like Momos,but she can only create medical related stuff. Like one day she could be a size 18 (this is UK sizing btw) then after doing hero training shell end up a size 14-16. She eats a lot of food. I like to make her intern with fatgum cuz of this. Shes also got a very good memory. So she doesnt need a book with her like momo. Plus since her creation is limited she can decide what to make. She makes a lot of scalpels and uses then like throwing knifes. And cuz her mums side of the family is from norway. Her name is a of a valkyrie,shes decided her hero name is gonna be Valkyrie. Cuz why the fuck not.

Lisette whos got a strengh based quirk, she helps Aizawa teach 1A and her hero name is Helsing. She has such a huge sex drive tho. And has broken her bed more times then shed like to admit. Shes also English and Japanese. Her dad was British and her mums Japanese. Shes also got a cute pastel calico three legged kitty named Tripod. Aizawa may or may not be seen napping with tripod inbetween classes

Ive got two that have brain washing quirk, one happens to be shinsous twin called Hitomi and has the same limits as shinsou. And is in general studies. She wants to be a hero like Shinsou because everyone saying their quirk is suited for villians. She just wants to prove them wrong because pissed her off. But she doesnt look as dead as shinsou.

The other one is named Rosalina she needs eye contact and a vocal reply but shes a trained as a paediatric doctor after she found out she was infertile and started a new life in japan cuz her boyfriend dumped when it was found out she cant have kids. She ends up working with eri a lot

Athena who has dragon summoning (one of her dragons is totally in love with toshi. Its funny af. The drsgon whos called Rosie will let out a happy screech and go to toshi for fussing and cuddles and just wrap her self around his neck and whine if she has to leave) Shes greek and uses her name as her hero name. She actually keeps crime down pretty well in greece as noone wants to fuck with someone who is named after the goddess of wisdom and war. Which is a family thing as all first born children end up with a mark from a god or goddess and they have to have that as her name. She got Athenas owl and olive branch on her arm. I pair her with toshi and they end up with a little girl that has the mark of a really really low level god thats name is Nana. Class 1A love little Nana. Nana gives everyone nicknames if they have a hard name to say, Bakugo is Boom boy, iida is zoom zoom. Denki is called pika. Mina is called Pinky. Ochaco is called kitty. Cuz nana thinks her hands are cat paws. Nana adores bakugo tho. And tries to make him have nap time with her. So some classes hes sat there with Nana asleep on him cuz she starts crying if shes moved. Nana will cry if monama from 1B gets too close. Rest of class 1B is fine. She likes the mushroom girl and tetsu.

Ive made one whos hawks little sister called Evie, her feathers are a lot stronger than Hawks but she is so much slower than him. Like Iida is faster than her(she has the biggest crush on endeavour tho and has searched online for a replica of his dick. Tho weve given Hawks the name of Jacob because he reminds us a little of Jacob frye from assassins creed syndicate. Itll change of course when Hori gives us his name) if. Im rping with my friend shes in 1A. And because of. Peoples head canons with hawks. She has bird habits. Like sometimes she sees a rodent shell go for it and someone has to go to her and make her drop it. I based her wing colors off a red kite. (where i live we have a lot of them. Ive seen seven to ten at one time flying in an area near the windmill we have in the village. We also know where one couple of red kites nest is.) shes also good friends with tokoyami and she tried to tell "for fuck sake do not intern with hawks. Hes only doing it because you and him would make a full bird" he didnt believe her

Reiko whos a kitsune whos my friends ocs and endeavour secert love child, shes got all the physical attributes of a kitsune (expect every ten years she gains a new tail instead of the every 100 years. So she only got one single tail atm) but a mix of kitsune fire and endeavours hell fire. And for now if she uses up too much "energy" she turns back into a tiny fox and will whine so much until someone from her family picks her up. Shes bitten her fellow classmates before when theyve tried to pick her up. She only really trusts shoto, izuku, tenya and kirishima when shes in her fox cub form. And she stays like that for a day or two

Hotaru who has an eletric quirk and shes hard of hearing, shes a UA teacher for general studies mainly shell help out with hero courses if they need the help, she tends to give denki advice with his quirk. She also has a cockatoo she brings with her to UA. It likes to head bang with present mic she has a support item thats a tail she can direct all electrical discharge from. She uses it as a tazer mainly. But if she needs to tazer more than one person she discharged from it all over and ends up with a lot of muscle twitching. Shes mainly does undercover hero work with the police.

Then there is Oka who pretty much has a quirk thats similar to Mirajanes magic from Fairy tail. She can change into demons. Any kind. But not fully. Just parts of her body. It depends on her stamina a full transform takes so much out of her she can hold it for like 2 to 3 minutes. Shes in 1B. But she looks like such a dude and wears the boys uniform so everyone thought she was a guy till she went to the female changing room. Noone really believed her so she just dropped her trousers and underwear. Going "I HAVE A FUCKING VAGINA. NOW FUCK OFF AND LET ME CHANGE IN THE GIRLS ROOM" tho she can technically give her self a demon dick. But she cant be bothered. Also some demon forms of her can give her tits. But after trying it she decided she didnt like how much weight it put on her chest and was basically "Thank fuck im flat chested"

Ill be posting love nikki photos of them when i do them!!

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humblesun · 8 years ago

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I have never written a post on here before. I haven’t been on here in a very long time, actually. But I want to write something, because I think I experienced something worth writing about. I feel like I should do the millennial thing and write about it on a site my parents can’t see. It really isn’t that deep, but I really want to share it, even though I think the only person that’s gonna see it is zabreena lol.

Last night I did shrooms for the third time in my life. The other two times were pretty good, very good experiences. I’m sure from that sentence you can guess that last night was not a good trip at all. I respect hallucinogens, always. There power is amazing and it is quiet beautiful when having good experiences. Even the bad experiences, I can appreciate them.

I decided to trip with two of my 3 of my friends I trust a lot... One of them being someone I would literally die for. ANother being a genuine man that only wishes the best for other humans. The other one is a little iffy, but I always find the good in people, or i try to.

I get off work and I go shower and my good friend and I head over to the iffy dudes dorm... I take a little over two grams and these shrooms are the real deal man... not even 20 minutes later I am having mad visuals. They are beautiful... I could not stop smiling. I was looking outside of the window and it was one of the most beautiful sunsets I had ever seen in my life. The trees were blowing in the wind in sections. Every tree had 5 or six sections that were growing into the sky. It looked like they were breathing. I look at this poster this iffy dude has in his dorm and theres trees on it, and the trees were growing inside of the room. There were colors everywhere. GOD IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I looked at my friends and I just told them I loved them. I felt so at peace with myself and the world. I was thinking about how proud I was of myself. I really had been getting my shit together. Then the genuine really cool guy was kind of freaking out. both of us had went into a spiral and I was thinking about how fucked up it is that people don’t know how to do the right thing. How it is so easy to do the right thing, but somehow people never know how to do it. I am someone who is always respectful and openminded to everyones opinions and thoughts. But people know what the right thing is and people constantly pick the wrong thing, because humans are so selfish. I was getting so angry at people. I eventually stood up because I was just zoned out looking at the ceiling. I looked at everyone and I said “what the fuck is going on,” I also said, “Im so hot, but I am so cold. jesus what the fuck.” I was peaking and so was everyone else. When tripping with people, I have felt very connected to them. Usually we are all thinking the same thing, but I was only on the same page as the genuine guy. We kept looking at each other because I felt like he could hear my thoughts, and he thought I could hear his. The iffy dude was getting pissed off because the genuine guy started crying because he was just so sad. I told him that it was okay to cry and my friend of many years was doing the same.

Eventually he stopped crying... The genuine guy and my friend of many years have had a thing for a few weeks, theyve been makin out, doin things, ya know.... And chandler wanted to kiss tyler, so I guess they started making out, but I didnt know because I had zero peripheral vision.. I could not see them at all. I could not feel my body at all. I felt myself getting hot again and I felt someone touching me. It was that iffy dude!!!! he was groping my stomach and was in my shirt... shit was fucking weird. I yelled at him “get the fuck off of me, stop touching me dude.” and he backed off. I could not get up and leave, other wise i would have left that second. I was paralyzed on the bed dude. Aint no way in hell i could've left. I felt hot gain. this dude was holding my hand and playing with my hair and groping me, AGAIN. I fucking yelled again!! I grabbed this dudes arm and pulled him off of me....... I was sitting there thinking about how I had to go to school for some reason. I said “man i gotta go to school.” everyone was like “what the fuk.” Oh well, I was being semi responsible even on shrooms on a saturday night. I felt hot again. I could not feel my body and this dude was fucking on top of me. HE WAS ON TOP OF ME. I pushed this little dude off and I was fucking pissed. the genuine guy had his pants off for some reason, and I was like what is going on. iffy dude yelled at the genuine dude to put his pants on lol. And genuine guy left the room and iffy guy got mad at me and said “what the fuck, why are you so angry. Is this what rejection feels like.” Yes mother fucker. Fuck you. He justified his actions by saying that he thought it was weird that genuine guy and my friend of many years were interacting like that, but we weren’t.

We could not find genuine guy to get our ID’s so we can leave. Iffy guy thought I should go and help him find him. Friend of many years and I yelled at him and said “Fuck you, you go find him.” we waited and he finally came back and we left. Genuine guy ran away and I went to my room. I thought iffy guy was gonna go get genuine guy, but iffy dude left his friend stranded and he ended up in the hospital. Genuine guy called the iffy guy to get him out of the hospital and iffy dude said no. WHAT THE FUCK. what kind of friend is that....

NOW COMES THE CRAZIEST PART. Person reading this. I experienced an ego death. It was the scariest moment of my fucking life. I went to the dorm and I felt better, but there was something spiraling, but I thought it was okay. I’m usually the babysitter, so I told myself I’m fine alone. My friend of many years left to meet up with her new lady friend, and things got very very bad.... I thought I shit my pants so I told myself I was disgusting. I was smothering my face into the floor saying I hated myself, that there was no point in living. I heard someone say outside of my dorm, “why is there blood everywhere, did someone kill themselves?” All of a sudden I get up and open my eyes and there is blood everywhere. I look at my desk and there is a hannah baker razor sitting there with blood on it. I look down at my arms and there are huge gashes. I feel the blood dripping out of my body. I i start to cry. I start saying “It’s too late. I just killed myself. I’m just an article about drugs and suicide.” I was looking around and i felt myself fall to the ground. I was talking and breathing like I was dead. I laid there and I heard nothing. I was deaf. I realized I was talking way too long to be bleeding out. I got up and realized I was alive, and I had scissors in my hand for some reason. I was holding them saying how worthless I am. There is always a part of me that does what is right, so I set the scissors down and I called my mom and realized it was my mom and hung up. I called my roommate/friend of many years, and I told her to call 911. She sprinted up to me and I was on the ground, in a ball, just crying. I didn’t have a shirt on and she spooned me while I cried.

I didn’t know what had happened to me until I googled it this morning. I have had very scary suicidal thoughts before, because I have been very depressed before this, but feeling like I had died was the scariest thing ever. I never want to die and the fact that that thought has ever crossed my mind, makes me so sad. Alls I wanted to do was call my family. I wanted to see them and hug them and talk to them. The fact that I thought they would never get to see me alive ever again, was so so terrifying. I called my sister and told her about it, and she cried because i started to cry because that experience had left me traumatized for a minute.

I want to make a point to this post, but I just wanted to write about what happened. If you ever want to die, don’t die please. Don’t make any action, because someone loves the shit out of you. I promise. I promise you are okay. I promise it isn’t worth it. I know I didn’t really die, but i cannot emphasize enough... I seriously thought I died. I felt my body shut down. Everything was okay and everything is okay. I love breathing and my family.

Ps. 13 reasons why is the dumbest show ever. Hannah baker is fucking stupid. & I don’t support anyones liking towards it.

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b00bstone · 8 years ago

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All the even numbers!

thats a lot. and 72 was repeated twice but i had to renumber them since i copied and pasted adn forgot it was repeated. but anyway.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

mostly shy i think but i can be outgoing if im comfortable.

4 Are you easy to get along with?

not really. i can be quite moody. and i unfortunately have a short temper (which im trying to work on) and im depressed adn suicidal so i think the answer is no.

6 What kind of people are you attracted to?

smart funny ones.

8Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my friend the nerd because i was talking to them and my friend rabbit earlier.

10Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist since we talked just earlier today.

12What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

1.awkward by hailey knox

2 beautiful girl by sara barielles

3. plot twist by sigrid

4 waving through a window from dear evan hansen

and 5. dissapear also from dear evan hansen.

14Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah but my luck is shitty and miracles happen to other people. so basically yes but not for me lmao

16Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah. if she were down. but like shes really straight. so i doubt she would be.

18Do you still talk to your first crush?

occasionally. hes a dick now tho. fraternity guy. and voted for trump.

20Do you like your neighbors?

well the ones i know are pretty cool.

22Where would you like to travel?

narnia. one of those planets they discovered that are super far away but similar to earth. but like on this planet? probs travel around europe.

24Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to bed.

26What do you do when you wake up?

lie there and try to go back to sleep.

28Who are you most comfortable around?

probs my friend rabbit.

30Do you ever want to get married?

one day yeah. but only if i find the right person u know.

32Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

oohhhh ummm hmmm. chris pratt. aubrey plaza and john boyega. i feel like aubrey would bring a sarcastic element which would help with the pressure and nervousness and john and chris. well u can just see in their eyes that theyre really gentle people that will treat u right.

34do you play sports? What sports?

hahaha no. ive always wanted to dance and/or be on a swimteam. but my lungs hate me

36Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

i think ive only told like 1 or 2 people that ive liked that i liked them. and ive liked a lot of people so yes. i have hidden that i liked someone before. many many times.

38Describe your dream girl/guy?

theyre taller than me. i dunno why but ive always liked wavy/curly hair. not blonde. or brunette. so that leaves unnatural hair color or black or red. good bone structure. theyre really smart. like they know lots of stuff academically but theyre also just generally smart u know. and they know lots of lil random facts about random things. really nice. but not in like a sugar nice way but more like sun beams when it feels like theyre warming u from the inside kinda nice. kind eyes. color doesnt really matter since i keep changing my mind. strong. but not necessarily muscular. i want them to be able to pick me up and twirl me around but not like theyve got a sixpack or anything. sixpacks are kinda weird looking tbh. wed have to have most of the same values. not too talkative but not like ALWAYS quiet. theyd prefer staying in most weekend and watchng shows but dont mind the occassional night out. theyd like the beach. because what kind of crazy person doesnt like the beach (people that dont beach right thats who). theyd also like biking and hiking and swimming. very much an animal person. not lazy. good listener. intuitive. would understand that some days i just cant fucking stand physical touch. and others i crave it in a way ive never craved anything before. and other days its kinda meh whatever. people that take interest in what im interested in because im interested in it. and whose interests are cool. because i love to take interest in things my friends are interested in but sometimes its so boring. nothing particular comes to mind. but im sure its happened. someone who doesnt check up on me when im crying. because tbh i hate it when people do that. unless its through texting or a phone call. but like people in person asking “are u ok?” while im sobbing my eyes out? fuck no go away. someone who understands that im really fucking bad with words. and sometimes me trying to say something will take a while and it may not make sense. theyd be patient. they wouldnt mock me. or be manipulative. and i think this list is long enough.

40What do you want to do after high school?

travel the world and end up famous, but not like papparazzi following me famous. famous like i appear on snl every once in a while and drop bangers or rad filsm or whatever i do and thats all. what will i probs end up doing? crying a lot and going to community college. and applying to as many colleges as i have the energy to.

42If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

it might mean im busy. or just listening. or really pissed off. or upset. or just have nothing to say.

44Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

space.

46What are you paranoid about?

everything

48Have you ever been drunk?

not yet. but sometimes i want to be

50What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

blue i think?

52 One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

everything. but like one specific thing? id like to get rid of my depression, fears, and this brain fog that haunts me

.54 Favourite store?

trader joes or target

56Favourite color?

yellow

58 Last thing you ate?

well rn im eating plain potato chips and mayo (please dont judge me. i know its disgusting)

60Ever won a competition? For what?

i used to do mma i won like one or two of those. i also run a riding competition once.

62Been arrested? For what?

not yet. but im sure one day i will be.

64tell us the story of your first kiss?

we were in her parents bathroom and were 7. thats all i remember. havent kissed anyone since. which isnt for lack of wanting to.

68Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont really have any tumblr friends that arent my real friends yet? so like i cant answer that.

70 Twitter or Tumblr?

well i spend all my time here and not on twitter so lets go with tumblr. altho i do have a twitter im never on

72Names of your best friends?

adi, heather, rabecca, joaquin, celestine.

74What colour are your towels?

blue, red and white. and theres some hawaiin print ones and a yellow one.

76How many pillows do you sleep with?

3...

78How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

like 40? dont judge. i kept asking as a kid and my parents kept giving them to me for christmas and my birthday. they should have stopped.

80What colour is your underwear?

rn its grey. but its not the only color i have

82Favourite ice cream flavor?

fuck. ummmmm coffee?

84What colour pants?

rn theyre black. but on the front of the thighs they have zebra striping.

86Favourite movie?

thats not an easy question to answer. im gonna say bringing up baby just because.

90Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

both? i mean i prefer mean girls a lil more bu 21 jumpstreet isnt bad either

92 Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory. we are both scatterbrained.

94Last person you talked to today?

adi. but like in person? rabbit and the nerd.

96Name a person you love?

celestine. (not romantically)

98In a fight with someone?

not as far as i know. but i always kinda feel like im in a fight with monkey.

100How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 4? i know i know i dont have very many.

102Favourite actress?

aubrey plaza.

104Do you tan a lot?

nope. i try at least once every summer. but my skin either stays as pale as snow or i burn really bad then my skin shift to a slightly more offwhite shade of snow.

106. How are you feeling?

blergh. potato chips and mayo are really gross. and im tired and sick of people telling me shit.

108Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret everything ive ever done.

110Do you miss anyone from your past?

well there is this one guy i used to talk to but i miss the attention and not him so that doesnt count. i kinda miss a friend of mine named shannon from elementary school sunday school

112Ever broken someone’s heart?

i dont think so.

114What should you be doing?

school. but ive given up on that. so.

.116 Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

oh yeah. ive liked 2 peoplethat much. altho i barely knew the first person and it was more me projecting my ideals of the prefect person onto them.

118Who was the last person you cried in front of?

probs my therapist.

120Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah. i was just in virginia last week. i live in california so id say thats definitely out of state.

122Are you listening to music right now?

nope.

124Do you like Chinese food?

americanized or traditional? americanized: yessss that shit i shte bomb. traditional? i dont know ive never had it.

126Are you afraid of the dark?

yes. very. i need a light source or i start to panic.

.128 Is cheating ever okay?

like on a partner or on a test or something? on a partner? no way. u should never do that. like thatll really fuck them up and make them mistrustful for the rest of their life. on a test? if its necessary sure go for it. i dont care. im not ur teacher.

130Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah. but its not something thatll ever happen to me lmao.

132. Are you currently bored?

im always bored.

134 Would you change your name?

last name? yes 100% absolutely. first name? maybe.

136Do you like subway?

like the sandwich shop? fuck no! the first time i ate it i threw up. the second time was ok. and thei third time i got serious stomach cramps afterwards. it was these awful sharp shooting pains all through my stomach.

138Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probs my therapist.

140Can you count to one million?

theoretically? yes. but will i? no

142Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed! my closet freaks me out but the office across from my bedroom freaks me out more. and also like i dont want cats walking on my face. or to wake up at 7 am and find that my dog has taken up the very middle of the bed.

144Curly or Straight hair?

rn? mostly straight. but when it gets longer it kinda curls a lil.

146Summer or Winter?

yes. i like both. dont make me choose.

148 Favourite month?

july. thats when im born so it has to be my fav.

150Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

152Was today a good day?

no.

154What’s your favourite quote?

in the beginning the universe was created a lot of people regard t as a bad move. and i messed that quote up. but yeah.

156Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

the terms braided and woven refer to the structure of the elastic.

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travisandersondatingblog · 6 years ago

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What is Gaslighting? 11 Red Flag Signs He’s Manipulating You

You keep hearing this term “gaslighting,” and you’re wondering about it. People have even told you that you’re being gaslit. So…what IS gaslighting?

In a Nutshell: What is Gaslighting?

What is gaslighting, and are you a victim?

Essentially, with gaslighting, a person, usually a romantic partner, denies the validity of things you know you’re experiencing.

“You’re imagining things. You didn’t see me with another woman.”

“I never said that!”

“You’re being paranoid.”

Usually, the people gaslighting their partners are sociopaths or narcissists. It’s about power: by making you feel like you’re wrong or going crazy, you rely on that person more. He feels like he has more control over you.

Cheaters gaslight. So do men who emotionally or physically abuse women. But not all men who gaslight cheat or abuse women, so don’t let that be the only sign that you look for. I’ll tell you some really good signals to watch out for in a minute.

Gaslighting is dangerous because this person who you trust causes you to lose touch with reality. You start to question everything and doubt yourself. You may lose self-confidence and feel like you’ll never find a relationship better than this.

I’m here to tell you that if you’re being gaslit, you absolutely deserve and can find a better man who respects and loves you. This man isn’t it!

The origin of the term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1938 play, as well as the adapted movie in 1944, called “Gas Light.” In it, a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she’s actually losing her sanity so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance. If you’re living this reality, this might be a horror movie for you!

Types of Gaslighting

There are several ways a man can gaslight you.

There are several types of gaslighting, so when you ask, “what is gaslighting,” you may get several answers depending on who you ask. Each is valid, and you may actually experience more than one type.

Withholding

“What are you talking about? That makes no sense. Why are you trying to turn this situation around on me?”

He pretends he doesn’t understand you or refuses to listen. The more you talk to him, the more confused you get because he’s acting like you’re confusing him!

Countering

“That’s not how it happened. You never remember things correctly.”

In this type of gaslighting, he tells you that your memory of a situation or event is wrong. He makes you doubt what you know you remember.

Blocking/Diverting

“Who put that idea into your head? I’m sick of talking about this.”

If he changes the subject or tells you that you’re imagining things, he’s gaslighting you.

Trivializing

“Why are you so sensitive? This isn’t worth getting upset over.”

This guy belittles your feelings, especially when they involve anger or frustration toward him. He makes you feel like you’re overreacting…but I’m telling you: you probably aren’t.

Forgetting/Denial

“You’re totally making that up. I never said that!”

He flat out denies what you know happened. Maybe you know he swore he’d pay you for the concert tickets you bought and now he’s telling you that you said you’d pay for them.

11 Signs Your Partner is Gaslighting You

via GIPHY

Now that I’ve answered the question “what is gaslighting” a bit (though we could talk about it for hours!), let’s look at a few signs you can keep an eye out for to figure out if the guy you’re dating is gaslighting you.

1. He Tells You That You’re Imagining Things

Okay, so you know you saw the guy you’re dating kiss another woman at a party. But he’s telling you that you’re crazy. He says he was just leaning over to tell her something, and you thought he was kissing her.

Uh-uh. Not only did you see it with your own two eyes, but your gut is also screaming that this guy is lying.

2. He Says You’re Overreacting

Every time you get upset about something (and that seems to be happening more and more as you’re dating this guy), he tells you that you’re making way too big a deal out of it.

Like the time he stood you up and you waited at the restaurant for an hour. He didn’t think that was a big deal and doesn’t get why you’re fuming.

Let me just say that, whether this guy is gaslighting you or not, you are entitled to your feelings. If he pisses you off, you can be pissed off. And you can tell him how you feel. The fact that he’s uncomfortable with your anger is not your problem.

3. Your Confidence is Dwindling

You used to consider yourself a fairly confident woman, but now you question everything you say or do. You may not even realize that the man you’re with is the cause.

Craig Malkin, a lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of the book Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists, says that gaslighting is “an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse because it undermines your self-confidence.”

You have to ask yourself: which would you rather have, your self-confidence or a man that makes you feel like crap?

4. He Always Wants the Upper Hand

In your past relationships, you were the one with a little more power (it’s normal for there to be a slight imbalance in every relationship), so it’s a bit surprising to you that in this relationship, he’s got it. And he fights to have that upper hand.

Whether it’s him picking where you eat every single time (a girl can only eat so much Thai food), having the last say in every argument, or vetoing your choice of movie, you feel like your opinion doesn’t matter. And you’re right. Because if he’s getting his way, he’s happy.

5. He Makes You Feel Not Good Enough

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“I’m the best thing that will ever happen to you. You’d be a fool to leave.”

The fact that this man feels the need to tell you that means that he doesn’t think that you’d believe it otherwise. I mean, you’d know if he was the best thing ever, right? And the fact that he’s trying to make you think you’ll never find better just goes with the fact that he wants you under his thumb.

He may even tell you that you’re not pretty or smart enough for another man, and that he’s doing you a favor by staying with you.

Say whaaaaat??

This is unacceptable. A true partner lifts you up and makes you feel incredible. That, in turn, makes you happy to be with him…no threat needed.

6. He Seems Like Two Different People

Maybe the reason you’re Googling “what is gaslighting” right now is because when he’s great, he’s great. But when he’s terrible…that’s when you think you might need to leave him.

A gaslighter (as well as a sociopath or narcissist) is really good at the whole Jekyll and Hyde routine. He’ll woo you with flowers…and then tell you that you’re crazy. He strings you along just enough that you want to stay, hoping the good version will come out more.

Realize that the good side of him is an act and that the darker side is his true self.

7. You Feel Confused When You’re With Him

I’ve worked with women who describe dating a gaslighter like being on a carousel. Everything is spinning around until they’re dizzy and don’t know what way is up when they talk to this man. You might start a conversation about how he never spends time at your place and then the conversation ends with him criticizing your financial habits. WTF?

He’s great at deflecting criticism directed toward him, which can make for a confusing conversation.

8. You Find Yourself Apologizing a LOT

Part of that whole carousel thing happens when you start out upset about something he’s done and then ending up apologizing for something you’ve done. He’s adept at turning around an argument so that you feel guilty and at fault…and forget about whatever it is that you were mad about.

Now look, I’m not saying you’re faultless in every argument. But look back over your relationship: has he ever apologized to you for any of his shortcomings? I’m willing to bet he hasn’t…or not often and sincerely.

9. You’re Not Happy But Feel Like You Can’t Leave

He’s making you feel unworthy.

Whether they’ve used the term gaslighting or not, your friends have been telling you for a while that this guy is bad news. They see how he treats you and they see how unhappy you are. And you know they’re right…only you can’t bring yourself to end the relationship.

Why? Likely because he’s made you feel like you’ll be even more miserable without him. Maybe he talks about how there are a ton of skeevy guys on dating apps or how, because you’re not 20 anymore, you’ll have trouble finding a quality man.

Realize that this is his messaging, not yours. He has an ulterior motive for making you feel like you shouldn’t leave him. I have nothing to gain by telling you the truth: you can and will find someone who treats you right. You don’t have to put up with this emotional abuse.

10. He Turns Things Around on You

Maybe he doesn’t criticize you…unless you’re expressing your frustration with him. All of a sudden, you’re full of flaws and have committed any number of mistakes in this relationship.

Realize that this is a defense mechanism. He can’t accept that he’s done anything wrong at all, and so emotionally pushes back on you and pours out every little grievance he has about you.

The best thing you can do is not absorb his criticism. You know your areas of weakness in a relationship, and certainly, you should work on them. But don’t let him tell you how awful you are…because it isn’t true.

11. He Says You Don’t Trust Him

This one is especially true for cheaters who gaslight. Let’s say you found out that he cheated, but you decide to stay. Of course, whenever anything suspicious comes up (a woman calls asking for him without identifying herself; you find a pair of women’s sunglasses in his car), he makes a big stink about how you don’t trust him. If you can’t trust him, why are you even with him?? He ends up making you apologize and assure him that yes, you do trust him, and you must have misunderstood that pair of panties you found in his bed!

You either trust him or you don’t. He probably is right that you don’t…but you have good reason not to, so don’t let him move you away from evidence that he can’t be trusted.

What to Do If He’s Gaslighting You

Feeling trapped? It’s up to you to change the situation.

Okay, so we’ve answered “what is gaslighting,” and we’ve looked at 11 signs that the man you’re dating is, in fact, gaslighting you. The big question is: what are you going to do about it? Depending on how long you’ve been with this guy, it may not be so simple to just walk away. So let’s look at some easier steps you can take before it comes to that.

Realize That You’re Not Crazy

If you find yourself wondering fairly frequently, “am I crazy??” I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you’re not. People that are mentally unbalanced aren’t usually aware of it. Especially if you’ve only wondered this as long as you’ve been dating this man.

If you feel grounded in reality with every other person in your life, then you’re okay. If you don’t confuse facts or get things wrong with your friends and family, then clearly it’s this guy causing the problems.

So take a deep breath. You’re not crazy. You’re totally okay…and about to get more okay as you deal with this stressful situation.

Write Down Conversations

The quickest way to nip an argument in the bud where he’s telling you that you remembered something wrong is to have written evidence. If he says he’ll do something, take a quick note in your phone. Put the date and time he said it, and what he said. Heck, record him saying it! See how he weasels out of that one!

Then when he starts to tell you that you’re wrong, pull out your notes.

Don’t Engage in an Argument

This type of person seems to thrive on arguing, so your best course of action is not to engage him in it. He gets a high from putting you down and telling you all the things you’re doing wrong. If you don’t engage, he has no fodder.

Understand That He Isn’t the Right Guy for You

By now, I feel like you know this. You are an incredible woman and worthy of attracting a man who values your opinion and never tries to squash you. There may have been good qualities about this guy initially, but now he’s different. You can’t go back to the way things were (if they ever really were good), so it’s best if you can let go of the idea that things will improve.

Know That You WILL Be Better Off Without Him

I know that dating (especially for those in your 40s or later) is no picnic sometimes. I know that you might feel like staying in this relationship is better than the alternative. But that’s just because you can’t see what’s coming up for you. And I know for a fact that even better things are in your future!

Quite honestly, wouldn’t you rather be on your own with no one criticizing you or making you feel insane? I think you would.

Conclusion:

What you do now is up to you, but my suggestion is that you break up with this man and focus on rebuilding your self-confidence. Know that out there is a great man who would love to treat you right.

Let me hear from you in the comments: do you think you’re being gaslit? What signs is he showing that he’s gaslighting you?

Jumpstart your next move in finding true love. Sign up for my exclusive training that will help you attract the right man who will commit to you without making you feel terrible.

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startswithat-blog · 6 years ago

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Nov 11

happy remembrance day i guess

long time no type, well 3 days but still a few things have happened since we last talked to end off the last post i opened it and he said something along the lines of not now in the future which idk if im hyped about or weirded out but it'll do for now

so yesterday was the big night i ate twoish steaks, showered thinking the night was going to end with me high with some new friends but nope plans went south and im still kinda pissed about it

where to begin okay I was supposed to finally meet T get high with him and his friends and bri was supposed to come with, he friend was supposed to come and we’d go to a party after

buttt no the friend and party cancelled but hanging at res was still on bri gets into bed i tell her dont fall asleep we need to go she said shell get ready at 9 i get up to shower at 8:30 i go back down and shes sleeping and im trying my hardest to get her out of bed but nobody can get her to do what she doesnt want to do

she was all excited for the party but now that its cancelled it doesnt matter about our plans shes all of the sudden exhausted i tried for 30 mins and she starts getting rude and kicking me literally off her bed and i eventually give up and im pissed i say then dont talk to me about anything

all the while T’s snapping me telling me, looking forward to me coming and i had to bail on him bc shes deciding that tonights the night she wants to be a selfish bitch

let me tell you now weve had these plans festering for a week

and as much i hate to admit care about what people think to an extent so when people are waiting for me expecting me to be somewhere no matter what ill be there unless soemthing serious happens

if i say im gonna do something ill do it yet sis cant say the same

i was pissed and T was snapping me during telling me that we cant not come he already paid for us and in this moment knowing that weve had plans that she said she was gonna commit to people relying on expecting her people have already paid for her this bitch still doesn't come that got me pissed i literally prayed i wouldnt choke her out and hate her forever and swore to myself that i wasnt going to talk to her again

this might be an extra reaction in your eyes yet the true tea is shes done this before frosh week all over again we buy these 40$ braceleet which were just a waste of money bc we didnt go bc she didnt want to and yes ik what youre thinking i couldve went alone then and i couldve went alone now but you know what i suffer from anxiety i

its not as severe i dont think but im uncomfortable in situations where i dont know anyone and its not like i couldve drank to get comfortable bc there was no booze at the parties

but this time i wouldnt have mattered if i was comfortable or not we had plans and she broke them (”you went and broke our lives” a quote from the lovers dictionary i thought of) so with or without the anxiety im still pissed imagine having palns that you and others are looking forward to just for them to get cancelled at the last minute it sucks and when someones being a bitch and acting like theyve done nothing wrong makes it even worse

oh yeah not only are all the people who were expecting us mad, i looked bad and i had to pay him back FOR WEED I DIDNT EVEN SMOKE, MONEY I DIDNT HAVE FOR WEED I DIDNT SMOKE i went to bed not high no new ffriends and pissed one of the worst saturdays to date

the only extra thing that i did yesterday waas believe that we werent gonna speak againa nd that id move

i want to move but im not because she doesnt want to but you know what next semester im leaving whether shes coming or not

its not a product of this i based my living situation completely off of her and where she was going but the tea is the people are weird and its too far especially through the winter

i woke up this morning still mad but as ive proably not mentioned i cant hold a grudge for long not because i have a big heart or whatever but atleast i think because i never could with my mother and it programmed me somehow

im not talking to her and get this im snapping T all about this and he tells me that she snapped me saying sorry and that i wasnt talking to her like ur not gonna apologize but snapping T is gonna change something i was pissed and said her feelings have nothing to do with mine which is the truth i mean i didnt do anything wrong

anyway she comes out and apologizes to me i say whatever ask her if shes paid him back she says she will

i mean i dont think im overreacting it was a shtty thing to do

soso were talking but im being dry, i mean i want to forgive her and i mostly have but idk it just showed me you cant rely on people

T’s telling me its fine and i should forget about it and let it go but i wanted to go and the fact that she did killed it for me

now as mad as i was and might sttill be i cant help but to think that maybe eveything happens for a reason i wasnt meant to meet him that night

i remeber how pissed she was when i accidentally took her case and that was an accident this was purposeful and didnt think how this would effect me it was selfish point blank i think im just pissed that i paid for weed that i didn't smoke and that on tp of eveything she still tells me to clean the bathroom thats also gotta stop her telling me what to do i moved out of my moms house and i dont plan on returning full time yet here i am

writing about it makes me calm down and i think im gonna forgive i just felt betrayed thats all

i still want to move if not december next semester whther shes coming or not i probably shouldve lived on res or went to trent but whats done is done cant go backwars only ahead

all that shit aside i spent the day doing absolutely nothing and having another meltdown about how my life was pointless and meaningless and i dont know what im doing with it or where its going so i spent it watching old movies god i wish i knew what my purpose was then i could work towards it and not feel worthless

B went to a meeting almost three hour ago she texted me asking if i was okay and idk why shed ask im not the one outside the house and then her phone ddies

to be continued

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