#bc i cant fucking stop myself from crying when i feel something

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

One day. One fuckin day without something.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[clovernment]

it's genuinely frightening me how terrible my attitude has become when it comes to studying, like idgaf that i have a huge super important super difficult exam tomorrow in less than 12 hours and i cant be bothered to revise anything because ik so damn bored out of my mind ive tried washing my face walking around a bit, distracting myself for a bit to get back to studying but i cant bring myself to even look at it or even go through the topics in my head

[auspiciouscat]

god i hate the birth of day

[fizzywashere87]

Pros and Cons of Dating Fizzy

notes: i decided to make a compare and contrast post for me?? why the fuck not cuzzos. this is some form of self advertisement and im not above it. (im off limits and a minor)

M. List

Pros:

i will be very loyal towards you

if i like you a lot, i won't get an ick -unless it's something SUPER bad but even then i tend to let red flags pass over me.

i'm a good listener when i want to be -if i rlly like you again, i would always want to be

i'd do literally anything and everything for you

id buy you gifts and pretend not to care if you didn't like it

i don't keep secrets of mine from you -unless i CANT say anything, then, sorry

you don't have to do much to gain my trust if i like you a lot -that doesn't stop intrusive thoughts.

i'll adjust to your needs after studying your behavior

i have a good memory so i'll remember certain topics you bring up -likes, dislikes, facts you share, a story you tell me about.

i'll defend you should anyone try to do or say anything bad about you -i'll throw hands for you

i am not a dry texter most of the time so you'll have an interesting convo for the most part

it doesn't take much for forgiveness if i'm rlly down bad -i don't forget tho

you get goodmorning/night texts

giving you my hairtie/bracelets and spraying perfume on it -i'll pretend not to notice if you don't wear them

A Double-Edged Sword:

i'm blunt - i could be overly blunt but at least i'll be deadass with u

ill drop my needs for yours -if you rlly care then you'd be sad abt this i think

i struggle to pick up certain implications -you can probably use that to your advantage

i've learnt to mask really well to adaptto your personality - you wont rlly know how i'm feeling unless i choose to let you know

i'm attached to you -maybe too clingy? if you tell me to fuck off i will tho

i'll take what you say literally most of the time

i'll brag to my friends about you -i might also complain if you make me sad

i put my family before you

i have a hard time saying no a lot of the times

i hold onto promises -i keep mine tho

i'm kinda stubborn

i do dangerous shit -it has the potential for entertainment but if u rlly care then the downside is that i might get hurt over a simple dare

'are you sure?' x100

i laugh at everything -you could end up thinking ur funny bc i laughed so you go retell that joke to ANYONE else and realize my humor is shit and you are not funny :|

i send you memes/videos and go 'us' -it could get annoying

i'll pester you to take care of yourself -it could get annoying. also i do not take my own advice

i can be rlly protective but not like super alpha sigma dw

i'll want to wear your hoodies/shirts

my standards are dangerously low -you don't have to do much

i put myself down a lot -this could end up funny

Cons:

at least once a week i'll ask you if you're gonna leave me

i have underlying health complications that show up at the worst times ever

i am not funny -and it's worse cuz i'll actively be trying

i'm very specific about A LOT and i'll lose my shit if my shit isn't together -yes this has potential to become your problem

i will not tell you what i need from you -i just won't. unless you pester me for way too long

i'll assume you'll leave me at some point -this is regardless to your answer to the first bullet point

i WILL complain about my day and you WILL have to listen to it -it's full of complaints and i'll only stfu if u tell me to

i'll cry over the dumbest shit -whether it's front of you depends on how close. usually early on and you'll be the cause 8/10 times

if i'm overstimulated it might be your problem

i'll get mad at you from the cause of my overthinking

i'll secretly not trust you -not for like other people i mean reassurance wise

i need constant reassurance and it might be brought up indirectly but snarkily -i'll never tell you outright

i suck at flirting and i'll run away from you

i might zone out on you during face to face convos -probably from calculating correct eye contact durations or just thinking bout you- but while you're talking so its not good

i'm kinda loud and it's worse when i'm excited -i'm quiet in the mornings tho :3

i'm a lil aggressive

i'm kinda shit at comfort and my advice may not be good advice

if i see a point/indication and i don't like it i'll ignore it because i don't want to deal with it

i want your praise/validation

i get pissed easy

i take nothing seriously

'oops'

[nothinginthisworldbelongstome]

hi im rose!

just started this blog so i need to fix it up all nice and pretty but honestly idk when that might happen lol

anons and dms very welcome! i love talking and meeting new people!

just a reminder, bc sometimes people forget and treat me like im just one thing- I AM A SWITCH. that means i want to and enjoy BOTH domming and subbing, and i cant do just one all the time, it burns me out. that might be different for other people, but this is how it works for me. i need as close to 50/50 as i can get, 70/30 works too.

more about me under the cut!

i just turned 19 aug 4th! she/her lesbian

men, terfs, bigots, any shitty people, and minors fuck off i will block u

im very switchy, will dom or sub whatever u need baby 😘

im more comfortable topping, and i loveeee bringing u pleasure, but it would be nice to have someone who desired me as much as i did them, even if im not yet comfortable receiving that attention lol

ive only been in 1 relationship online and never have even kissed anyone before, but ive been on nsfw tumblr for a while

i dont consider myself super femme but im definitely not masc/butch. i like jewelry and flowery clothes tho lol. i kinda just wear things and i dont have a super distinctive style. im mostly attracted to femmes but for me attraction usually comes from the face and personality, generally not style, if anyone cares lmao

im 5'7, i have brown hair and blue-green eyes, and im plus size, if any of that matters to yall

kinks:

praise praise praise. i love telling u how good ur doing for me and also i wanna be someones good girl

pretty girls telling me what to do hehe i love that

pet namessss ugh pet names. i use them SO much so if u dont like it let me know (but it will be so hard for me to stop ngl i fucking love pet names)

also call ME pet names and ill fall in love with u its so soft and sweettt ahhhh

anything that will bring you pleasure. when u tell me that turned u on/made u wet that turns me on sooo much

mommy kinkkkkk! call me mommy or let me call u mommy pretty girl

VOICESSS FUCKING VOICESS i have a hugeeee voice kink. make all ur pretty noises for me baby u sound so good

grindinggg i love grinding. yes bounce on my leg sweet thing

light pet play. like ill call u puppy/bunny/kitten, collars are hot, but not much more than that and im not a pet. no cages or anything more hardcore than that really

pulling my hairrr yes babygirl pull my hair while i eat u out

consensual somnophilia i love the idea of knowing someone trusts u enough to let u do whatever u want to them while theyre sleeping

MARKINGSSS ugh theyre so hot. ive veryyyy possessive i want u to be MINE if im into u. so yes marks are so hot. giving AND being given

also reciprocal possessiveness??? jesus christ sign me up. im urs and ur mine and now im in love

theres probably more but this is all i can think of right now

also even tho i dont personally enjoy something or dont have it in my likes, feel free to ask! im generally very open to trying things at least once. and some of the things i dont really care for i dont mind doing a little bit if its something my partner wanted! communication is key <3

LIMITS

heavy degradation/humiliation and stuff like that. i dont like being really mean it makes me feel bad. i will however tease u until ur begging me to let u cum <3

also dont be mean at all in any way to me ill cry

rapeplay/kidnapping or anything nonconsensual like that it makes me feel bad

any bodily fluids other than cum gross me out sorry

any terms like daddy/cock/dick. big turn off for me

anal/butt stuff

feet. u can do whatever u want with mine ig but i dont like urs no thanks

send asks and dms!! i crave interaction

CLOSING REMARKS

idrk what else to say here. if u read all this u get a cookie ig lol

feel free to ask ANYTHING im an open book and will *probably* answer honestly lol

k love u bye! mwah!

[residentevilbunni]

idc if i am dramatic. my blog was there for me every single day for six years. i dont have a real life, i dont have any friends, nobody knows me or even who i am or my name. for the first time ever in my life i felt belonging. idc if i am crazy, but i've had nothing and no one for so long, my blog became my best friend. it was there though several heartbreaks. it was there for me during the first worst period of my life, when everything crashed and i broke. it was there when i went through all my rough phases, it was there to catch me and hold me. it was there to listen to me completely judgement free. it was there when i stopped having contact with my father. it was there when my friends left. it was there through all of my health chrises. when i received no help from the health care system, when i was dismissed and ignored and mistreated. when my sisters stopped talking to me. after every traumatic and scary and uncomfortable moment. no matter what it was there to listen to me. i was never alone because i had my blog. my blog i could pour everything into. idc if it is unhealthy because it was all i had. idc if that is chronically online because i dont wanna live in the real world, it is too dangerous and here im safe. idc if none of it is real bc i dont care for reality. and not only the blog itself, but honestly there was the place people were nice to me. irl i have been bullied and discarded and hurt and abused, but people were nice to me?????? that was the first place i've ever experienced that.

idc if im autistic, no other blog feels the same. it just doesnt feel the same. every day for six years that blog was my anchor. it grounded me. it was the sole reason i wasnt so alone i ended it all. when i was sad, i told it. when i felt the urge to show someone all my stupid fucking pics of snails or the sky or whatever, it was always there for me. always. no matter what. i think ppl would think i sound insane but something inside of me is broken, i cannot have real relationships and connections with people. im so far away from everyone. even my mother. and she gave birth to me. im just not fully human, it hurts and i wish i was but im not. i dont talk to ppl, i dont connect, bc im just filling a role so they wont hurt me. my entire existence is just to fawn so others wont hurt me as bad as they could.

i want my blog back bc it is all i had. and the first time i got my blog termed i knew that oh yes i was blogging abt tcc so like i get it. sucks but i get it. this time it was safe for six years, and then just bc i felt upset that some stranger was saying smth hurtful and judged me on one of my vent posts, i got so mad so i told them off. and then half a day later my account got termed for "promoting sh" and idk if it is all my posts abt it i've made or if it was that one fucking picture on that sideblog where i responded to that person, that pic i reblogged from someone else with faint marks. i've seen more and worse on other ppl's blogs. blogs that are still up. why did mine get termed but not everyone elses??? (i dont want that bc im insane and fucked up but i think ppl should post that if they want) but im just so heartbroken bc it is unfair. why is all i had gone?? i once reported a blog w cp and it stayed up for months. mine got termed in less than a day. everything i had gone just bc of one "sh" post. one report.

i cant stop crying. and i just dont care abt anything else. that blog was the first and only time i've felt "home". idc if i sound insane. i am just not like others and i never will be. i was broken and ruined and i just am this way. i cant connect. i dont have anything else. and now its taken from me. i dont feel whole. i feel like the most precious and treasured and beloved piece was stolen from me. theres probably smth very wrong w me for feeling this way for just an account on social media, but, i think it was the only thing i've ever felt truly safe to let myself feel a connection to. and the fact that no matter what happened to me, no matter what other ppl did to me, i would always have my blog to run to... and that i no longer have that is hurting me so much. i think i most likely had some neurodivergent attachment to it bc i just do not feel the same way abt my other social medias. they could delete my instas and pinterests and twitters and i'd be like oh damn that sucks whatever. and i am here crying and typing but i feel removed from this blog. and all my others. it was that blog i felt attached to. and it is gone. just bc i was so fucking stupid and just had to tell someone off. i never will again, i'll let anyone walk on me i'll let anyone violate all my boundaries and i'll never speak up again just pls pls pls pls let me have my account back.

[bbgmiraa]

Paint our love.

actor!!SongKang! FEMactor/singer!! Reader! fluff!! mentions of killing each other!! and the tinyest bit of angst!! this is inspired by my delusions + im inlove with these songs & been waiting to write abt them but i cant stop myself from thinking nobody will like my writing style bc its kinda trash. first story too it's abt to be pretty short. i'd recommend putting these songs on loop while reading but if u cant its wtv .BUCKLE UP!

Walking down a dark yellow dimmed street after having a yell out with your oh so pretty boyfriend. Damn.. he really has a way with his words. To have you crying like this and you're sure you're gonna end up right back in his arms by 12:00 am. Caught up in your thoughts, you didn't hear him walk up to you all you felt was a hand grabbing your arm, hand being stuffed in your pocket. You both didn't have to say something. The looks on both of your faces screamed what you wanted to say. Yours being 'you hurt me' his being 'im sorry'. You shrugged him off, keeping it pushing. Until you got pushed into the wall right next to you. "I'm sorry baby." such pretty words coming out of the mouth that called you out of your name. "𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘄𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻". You chuckled "i really wish i could believe you right now Kang. But it's the way you said it that's pulling me back." you said in a really cold way. Maybe it's the breeze outside but it is pretty cold out here. "Here," Kang said handing your favorite padded jacket as if he was reading your mind. You ignore it and try to walk away. he pulls you back into a pleading kiss. When you both finish tears are streaming down your face. "Why do you always hurt me just to pull me back. Do you do this on purpose? I don't wanna feel hurt done by you, i just wanna be embraced by you. Why do you make this so hard baby?" you say voice cracking on every other word, walking in the opposite direction while he keeps trying to grab your wrist you pushing him away every time, Sobbing. "Imma get it right i promise. gimmie one more chance baby ? lets go home hmm?" " Are gonna break my heart once again Kang hmm? Im losing trust in you, and once i lose it all it's over. " "That wont happen ma". You break down crouching down on your feet (postioned as if your megan thee stallion) he's calling you all of your favorite things and making you fold so you can run right back to him. He crouches with you making you sob harder. Looking at him you say " How can i trust you. Do you even remember what you just said to me 15 minutes ago." "If i fuck up again, you can kill me." "CUT! Kang why'd you go off script?" the director says loud enough for the outside of the rented street to hear ringing your ears. "Yeah, why'd you go off script" you say laughing hitting his chest. He can't hide how he feels for you, this is the only time besides with his friends he can express it except, it's scripted. He actually meant what he said and seeing you look so hurt like this, even though he knows it scripted, makes him wanna kill himself. If you're not made for him, and he can't have you he'd kill both of you.

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[wanderrlust0]

:s

im home now and im glad me and him got high today bc i dont think i wouldve been able to be okay emotionally and pretend like everythings good. i just read my last journal post and i just started crying. like i gave him till the very last minute to say i love you to me and he didnt so i whispered it as i got ready to get out of the car and he then whispered it back. like, he wasnt gonna say it if i hadnt said it. he just said it bc i said it but i can tell it was like empty words like wtf i feel like he doesnt really love me anymore rn and ive done absolutely nothing wrong like its unfair and im tired of it. he hasnt been himself since tuesday. first he wasnt himself when i saw him sunday. then i forced him to talk about it a little. then he was good monday, saying good morning, goodnight, using :3 a lot. then tuesday he just went back to the dryness and sounding uninterested. stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning to me. its now thursday (technically) we hung out. i texted in caps goodmorning bc he again just started saying stuff. i feel like he was only okay today bc he was high. he was touching me a lot but mostly my ass bc i wore a skirt. i didnt mind it ofc but i did sorta feel like he was mostly touching me in a sexual way and less romantic way. he is so fixated on my friend who he doesnt like and thinks id cheat with. bunny stop being insecure..honestly. i feel like its def that and his inability to fully trust me is what the main problem is. like he was barely loving meD: i can tellll when he genuinely does bc he shows it but today and these past few days just felt so casual and not full of effort. like why the fuck am i really crying right now like idk how im feeling bc im like ofc hurt and im confused and tired and annoyed and upset and sad and it feels less fun. i always end up doing most of the talking when hes like this bc itll make me so uncomfortable to sit in silence. like theres a good silence and a weird silence. i used the bathroom and left my phone on the table. ik he most likely scrolled thru my notifications. like im sure he def did. he was standing right there. even tho it was locked and he cant see the details of the notifs ik i have nothing to hide. the thing is how long is it gonna take for him to have some faith in me and stop doubting me and treating me like im a copy of everyones past mistakes. i think now im really actually not gonna act like things dont affect me and show more dryness or annoyance or distance. whatever i feel towards him ill reciprocate or stop pretending like its nothing. he didnt answer my text where i sent him a video that i thought was cute and funny and i wanted him to see it too. no acknowledgement from that. he hasnt sent me an ig reel in days. he stopped saying goodnight and goodmorning. he did now. the edible made him happier today and same with me. we drank and it made us both sleepy. idk what hes feeling towards me. he doesnt really share everything bc he thinks that it doesnt make a diff if we talk about it or not bc he feels like nothing will change and its pointless. i obviously disagree and i feel like we def have to talk, whether itll make a diff or not. it will do something. itll help us understand each other more. itll help us see things in a diff perspective. itll help us clear the air and get rid of the elephant thats lowkey in the room. i wish he wasnt so insecure in times like these. i wish he was more confident with himself. i wish he would really just love me unconditionally and not question our love. i wish i didnt have to tiptoe around the topic of my friend. i wish hed pay attention to whats in front of him and realize how great we can be. hes like a part of me now and i cant see myself without him and i desperatelyy wish hed just understand thatD; im trying and doing my best. i love him to pieces, but if i feel that hes losing interest, it makes me lose interest and i emotionally feel less of a connection to who he is. its like i love him and want him close by but his energy isnt the same person and i miss him againnn. hes back to caring less

[starjxsung]

hi hi star! how are you?

i am also an avid sunscreen supporter, i wear it everyday bc im also sooo terrified of sun exposure😭

i saw deadpool & wolverine today and i really enjoyed it! i was so obsessed with deadpool and x-men when i was like 16 that this movie feels like a fanfic from my teenaged brain.

aaaaaand the baby was born today <3 thankfully, everything in the delivery went okay and he’s all good <3 we couldn’t see him bc visiting hours were over when he was born </3 so we’ll just go tomorrow.

and the pulls <333 jilix is really slay and also exclusive hanji!! hardcore manifesting kitty lix for you next!!

i’m so obsessed with hanji pcs. they’re everything. they just hit different. they’re perfect fr. i hope i get at least one and one or two linos😪 i usually have good luck with pulling them but lately it’s been a lot of chan (and im not complaining bc i love them all but i need at least one of my main biases🤞🏻)

manifesting your lolla hanji nda era <3 pls introduce them to me once u have it. my personality may be better than my looks </3

i’m getting to chicago on tuesday and it just hit me that i haven’t got anything ready (:

and i have some good news! my practicum center called me and said that a space opened up so they’ll be having me after all! (but i haven’t done any of my paperwork or anything that i need for it and i can’t do it until im back from chicago and classes start on august 13. freaking out rn. but but hoping for my nda era first🤞🏻

anyways i love you so much bb <3 i hope all is soooo good <3 take care!!

-🐈‍⬛

BAEEEEEE <3

Oh my god the sunburn on my SHOULDER…… is peeling and it looks fucking disgusting HELP MEEEEE 💔💔💔💔 I haven’t had a peeling sunburn in literal years like this is so uncharacteristic of me 💔💔 I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face for not wearing sunscreen WHATTTT was I thinking

AHHH I heard skz were only in the credits or something?? I’ve never been into marvel very much so I never have any clue what’s going on in the mcu LMAO but I’m so glad you enjoyed !! The only movie I saw in theaters recently was long legs and that was a fucking trip

AHHHH I’m so glad he was born and everything went smoothly!!! Congrats to the new mommy !! 🥹🫶 I hope you guys were able to stop by during visiting hours! Is mom home from the hospital yet? That is so so so exciting ahhh I hope she enjoys these early days of being a mommy! Hearing a baby was born always makes me instinctively want to cry 🥹🫶💞💗

About 10 albums in now and sadly no kitty lix 💔 I DID snag a few of their pobs at my local kpop store and I might try for like ONE more…. But I’ve honestly lost all hope of kitty lix 💔 the pcs this era are GOOOOD tho I’m really happy with all my pulls !! I hosted a little trading event at my apartment today and my friend came thru with a few hanji ones, I’m so grateful frfr ahhh my hanji binder is really filling up 🫶 my sister’s had NO luck pulling Channie this era! We’re like Seungmin/Changbin magnets this time around so it’s been a lot of dupes 😭 but still really good pcs and I have a lot to trade !!

Bestie I am also getting to Chicago on Tuesday and I still haven’t gotten anything ready 😍🫶 I’m gonna be last-minute packing tomorrow night fr it’s gonna be BADDDD

ALSO YESSSSSS OH MY GOD I’m so glad your practicum called !!!!! That’s fucking amazing !!!!!!! It’s such a convenient time too bc at least you won’t have to be hoping they call during lolla or something !! Manifesting you’re able to do the paperwork super fast when you’re back from Lolla and that everything falls into place but RAHHH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUUUU I cant wait to hear all about it !! 💗💞💓

I hope you’re doing so good pookie I love u !!!! Chicago on Tuesday LIKE CAN YOU BELIEVE………

(Also here are my hanji pulls/orders from this week) ily ily 🫶

[biteonthecurb2003]

i'm splitting so hard on her and i know why but i don't fucking understand my brain.

is my personality really this fucking awful that everyone i meet either grows to hate me or hates me right off the bat? am i gonna be just like my mom, with no friends? i felt so much guilt for her growing up. and i feel so much guilt when i see her make bubbly conversation with the grocery store cashier or some random stranger she meets in line. she's sweet and funny. god she's just like me! i'm fucking doomed!!

what did we do wrong? we're narcissistic that's what. i mean, maybe not in the dsm-5 sense, but in the colloquial one. god i can't get out of my own head. but why is that ok for wveryone else and not for me? why can't i talk about me?!? why can poppy do it and not me?!?? what did i do wrong?!!????

why don't u love me!!!!!! why don't u like me too, or even see me as a friend or someone to talk to? and i'm tonna be cursed like this for fucking ever? constantly longing for someone i can't have???? and didn't i say to poppy that it was hurting my feelings? and she keeps doing it because.......?!!

my stomach hurts and i've been crying all day. we haven't even moved yet and i foresee our friendship falling apart, and whatever little bit of a relationship i would have had with angel falling apart bc she will use her stupid fucking manipulation and LYING to turn him against me. i'm so mad. i'm so mad and sad and i can't even feel this way bc it's stupid. no one wants me. i'm weird and annoying and fat and look like a fucking monkey. no one will ever love me because i am crazy, i am crazy like this.

i just want it to end. every moment of my life has been exactly the fucking same. my only joy is to have something that gives me attention, or maybe that attention is just love to me. i just want love, unconditional admiration from someone.... anyone. and if i dont have that, which is usually, because i am unlovable, i am sad. i am so miserable and fucking sad. i drank a whole bottle of wine today at work and the tears stopped but the thoughts didn't. all i can think abt is angel and how all day he texts her but has no interest in me. and WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE!!!!! he wouldn't!!!!!! think abt it lotically. but i cant. im hurting: so bad and im so fucking sad and i dont even understand it. i dont understand why im so jealous or why i cant even be the leading role in my own life. i just feel so miserable, like the same 6 year old child with her big ugly glasses and stupid crooked teeth begging for attention and being told to essentially fuck off.

i have so much more to say, but if i'm being realistic, i think i will just. be done. with all of this eventually. i think i may give it another year, to pay off my debts, to go through some more therapy, to make more art. but this will never go away. i know it won't. it hasn't since i was a child. i want so so badly to be loved. to be told that i am not annoying, mopey, ugly? needy, clingy. that my voice isnt too loud, im not too fat, im not too weird. that im just right for someone, anyone. but i'll never feel that. i will continue to search for my father in other people, and return with the same result: abandonment.

i'll give it a couple years. just scared i won't hold out that long. scared that days like this won't end. i've had these same thoughts since i was a child, throughout high achool and college. i'm so scared it won't ever get better. and when i love myself, it turns into narcissism. i cant get better.

but im not buying u shrooms. fuck off bitch.

[ihatelestat]

idk tw ED, tw self harm, tw mental illness

I'm honestly suffocating from the desire to be someone completely different and move to somewhere no one knows me and just be fucking torn apart by wolves so that I can just be fucking flesh idk I just want to cut slices off of my body so that I can be thin and lobotomize myself or something so that I can stop being two spirit and just be the gender I was born with and not have any of these fucking illnesses that I can't fully talk about with anyone!!! I'm not man enough I'm not woman enough I'm not normal enough to just get by and the cracks in my skull and soul are starting to show really badly. I look at myself and I hate what I see no matter what I do bc I'm not happy in any aspect and I don't even have time to fix it bc I work so much that I'm exhausted when I'm done pretending like I'm a professional and perfectly positive person. And even fucking dealing with my mother is killing me because she will literally never understand even half of my shit and doesn't even pretend to want to now that I'm an adult and she cant be commended for looking after her fucked up kie anymore!!! I wasn't supposed to make it this long and I wish I hadn't because I can't think of the future without wanting to throw up and cry and hurt myself. I have no control over myself anymore and all that feels like it would help is tearing into this skin and letting it all run out

[so-much-nonsense]

because this is life

yest i wanted to kms and today im sitting on my bed struggling to study without getting distracted. this is so funny to me. yest nothing in the whole world mattered. yest i couldnt care less about all this but, today, here i am, giving it so much importance. are we all just lil creatures. if yes why did i have to suffer so much. i dont want to live anymore. it stopped feeling like im living, for myself. i cant exactly tell when. bc few days back i was so happy and thoughtful about amount of emotions i can go through. yest night something just snapped and i sobbed uncontrollably in silence as i laid in my bed covered in sheets in the dark. what are friends and family in these moments? yest i wanted to die and no one were there for me. not even one person i could think of that i could call for some safety net. or even just to talk. my "friends" seem to be busy with their own fucking lives, lives im not a part of. "family" i cant call and worry. "people whod listen to me" i refuse to open upto. what has my life become today. before yesterday my life was so rich. after today if you ask me ill tell you it still is but ill be lying. i should stop opening these apps and checking my messages again and again. fucking not one person is gonna text me or even reply to me. its not vulnerability i am scared of, its misunderstandings. we as smol humans seem to have a lot of these every single day and they ruin lives. ig this is life now. crying in secret. lonely. questioning everything. but ik ill not feel a thing in this blog a time from now. if i still do itd really be the worst life. there is nothing to say anymore. my mind blank but suffering, lost in chaos. sometimes i think i just write all these things because i like writing. but a little later in life i thank myself for having closure. it is so bad that i feel isolated from everyone. i feel like i cannot to talk to anyone. i feel like everyone is going ahead with their life but me. dying is not an option. so idk. also annoying how much importance i can give to people and never get it back. i have never been this person but i think im slowly changing into this person. do i stop caring? idts. bc i think everyone is sad, at least a little bit. so if im there for them in even one of those moments im happy to be. hence i dont find a reason to shut off people. regardless of what they might to(unless theyre horrible things) they are also learning and i would be happy to be there for them. i want to be there for people all the time. i dont understand this urge. maybe because there never was or is anyone for me.

[samwinchcster]

i know no one will read this this is just me screaming into the void

on my way home i entered a supermarket to count my money and a man bumped into me and when i turned around i saw that his arm was covered in scars and peeled skin still fresh with some blood. and so i’ve been in this supermarket for the past hour freaking the fuck out and crying because this location is close to the red light district so i’m sure this man must have some sort of blood disease. and even if i dared to touch anything i have small cuts in my hands and arms bc i make them bleed from all the handwashing

like i am literally fearing for my life i know i have ocd related mental breakdowns several times a week but holy shit this is different cause it’s life or death???

i tried messaging my therapist (who i just saw early today which makes me feel pathetic) and i called my brother (who was literally in the same place i was coming from) and he tried to reassure me but this time is not working.

like i truly believe i’m gonna die or i’m gonna infect my family

i just wanna bang my head into something i cant even think of any of my techniques to stop my compulsions bc i think this is something actually to be worried about

i didn’t tell my therapist or my brother this bc i dont wanna worry them even more but am trying to hard not to start banging my head into the counter or start hitting myself

[cagedpuppy]

dont open buttttt.

i want to ride you soooo bad. like goddd .. i am so impossibly wet just thinking about it, just thinking about you under me, grabbing at my hips and my ass and my sides. just grabbing me wherever you can hold on, running your hands over whatever you damn well please. just holdinh onto me while i straddle you, pressing against you, whining about how much i just want you inside, how much i need to feel you and your stupidly big dick inside me

n i just want to slowly sink down onto you and be all cocky at first, have a bratty little attitude as i lean into you and smirk and act like its nothing despite me being so into it, acting like your dick isnt splitting me open and hitting me in all the good ways, biting back moans and just being the absolute worst. when i start struggling to get it all in i still act like its nothing, fucking myself down harder, chewing at my lips n tryna hold myself together. grabbing at you now, grabbing at your chest and shoulders but still pretending im completely uneffected, but you can tell. you know because i’m so airy now, starting to pause between my words as i start bouncing, getting all ditzy just from having you inside of me because i cant get enough of you, because something about you completely turns my brain off

n youd tease me, say something embarassing or just plain mean, something like “aw, you enjoying yourself?” and id turn my nose up and huff, shaking my head as you grab at me more. pull me closer maybe, push my body closer to yours as i keep working my hips. eventually youd get tired of the subpar job i was doing before you grab at me and pull me close to you, pull my hips down and fuck the rest into me as i shake in your arms. now unable to do anything but moan as you fuck my hips down and onto your fat cock and just make me take it as i squirm and cry ontop of you. n you bring me so close so so close and im so impossibly wet n im completely shaking now. to stupid to do anythinh about it as you stop and you sit me back up nd i whine about it. grinding against you n sniffling and grabbing at your hands and wrists tryna get you to move me some more because im *so close* but you wont. i continue being desperate and you just tut and shake your head nd tell me that i have to work for it if i want to cum >< n so i do n occasionally you grind my hips down by force to remind me to think about you and you tell me to look at you and to talk to you and i just cant stop babbling on n on about you and how i just cant get enough of yoy and you laugh bc i was so dismissive earlier and now im crying about how much i love your cock and how good it is >< n maybe you even record it for yourself because you lovw the sight so much as i whine and ask you if i can cum through all my lucidity

and you let me cum but then you put your hands back on my waist and make me keep going, encouraging me even when i start twitching from the overstim and moaning out that i thought i was done,,, and you just shake your head and laugh at me and tell me that YOU say when im done >< nd that i just have to keep going until you think im done, until YOURE done. ><

nd the entire time you tell me how pretty i look, how good i am, how much you love me and my pussy and my vulgar mouth nd how slutty i am for you and how much you just adore that. nd it just keeps going until im crying bc i just cant get enough of the way u fill me up n love me so hard X3