#2am is also a time for regrets just like 1am

[literallygwenstacy]

Your Gwen and Hobie dynamic hcs???Canon compliant,self-indulgent,etc!!I see them as either a t4t couple or siblings :] Also polyship them with Miles and Margo ofc

Hmmmm BET

-Hobie wakes up SUPER early to make Gwen pancakes almost every day (they’re her favorite), and he puts a buncha bananas and chocolate chips in them 😋

-MOVIE NIGHTS!!! Every weekend! I can picture Gwen and Hobie staying up till like 1am watching something on Hobie’s TV, Hobie makes popcorn and Gwen usually gets to choose the movie, but when Hobie picks a movie it’s either the goofiest shit you’ve ever seen or some crazy horror shit he picks just to scare Gwen (she secretly loves it though)

-Hobie’s a morning person, but Gwen DEFINITELY isn’t. Hobie would hover over Gwen at like 6am while she’s sleeping and blast an airhorn in her ear while yelling “RISE N SHINE!”

-I feel like Hobie would randomly ruffle Gwen’s hair, not because it’s soft or anything, but because he just wants to mess it up cause he thinks it’s funny 😹

-Ohhh Hobie would TOTALLY let Gwen paint his nails. Probably for a dare or something but I think he’d actually like how it turns out. He’d choose all the craziest color combos and Gwen would be all like “HOLD STILL” as she mischievously giggles and Hobie regrets all of life choices. This whole entire thing could also work the other way around actually (New headcanon: Hobie knows how to paint nails)

-They definitely play Roblox together at like 2am, mostly horror games. I can see both of them screaming at the top of their lungs when they get jumpscared but Hobie would scream at everything even if it’s not a jumpscare and Gwen would just laugh hysterically (Just like my last headcanon, this could also work the other way around)

-Hobie offered to teach Gwen how to play guitar one time and she said yes, so now she takes guitar lessons with him almost every day, and in return Gwen teaches Hobie how to play the drums 😸

-Hobie occasionally plays in the Mary Janes and almost all of them are DOWN BAD for him. Like when Gwen first introduced them to Hobie they all fell in love the second they saw him. Oh and when Hobie can’t play, he comes to their shows and has the proudest smile on his face when he watches Gwen play the drums. <3

-When they’re on missions together, each of them has one AirPod in so they can listen to some music. They have pretty similar music tastes but Hobie mostly listens to punk rock and metal, and Gwen also listens to punk and classic rock. They show each other their favorite bands while they’re swingin’ around.

-Since Hobie’s dimension is set in like the 70’s, he takes Gwen to all sorts of places that don’t exist in Earth-65 anymore. He also takes her to a ton of concerts, cool restaurants, aaand clubs, pubs, and bars. How did they get in you may ask? Hobie has a couple of fake ID’s 😼 (they’ve definitely been kicked out of at least 5 places)

-Gwen steals all of Hobie’s stuff, mostly clothes but it can be anything. Oh, he has a cool pair of shoes? She’s taking them (canon). He has a nice jacket? Snatched. A poster of a band she really likes? BOOM! It’s hers now. She’ll usually leave sticky notes next to the thing she stole so Hobie knows who took it, but he’ll figure out who stole it anyways.

-Gwen stays up late and gushes on about Miles for HOURS to Hobie without even realizing how long she’s yapping for, and Hobie just listens with a smirk on his face.

-They got matching piercings!!! Hobie’s amazing at piercing stuff and has a shit ton of jewelry, so sometimes he lets Gwen borrow some or if it’s REALLY special he’ll give some to her as a gift. And Hobie lets Gwen do wacky shit to his hair, like giving him braids or dying the ends pink so he can match hers. Speaking of which, Hobie helped Gwen dye her hair pink when she first decided she wanted to :3

-They both have a soft spot for animals, specifically cats. If there’s a cat on the street, both of them are stopping whatever the hell they’re doing to go pet that cat. Hobie takes Gwen to cat cafes all the time, or just cat infested areas. Gwen ALWAYS asks if they can keep them, so sometimes Hobie takes a couple stray cats and dogs back to his place so they can get food and shelter. (He’s so sweet guys)

-(WARNING!! very angsty) Sometimes Hobie walks in on Gwen while she’s crying, he immediately gets concerned and always rushes to her to ask what’s going on while he speaks in the gentlest way possible to try and calm her down. Hobie is one of the only people Gwen feels comfortable opening up to, so she tells him things she normally keeps bottled up. Gwen starts rambling on and on about how she really feels while more tears form in her eyes and her voice becomes shaky as she starts to breakdown completely. Hobie then pulls Gwen into a hug, and she clings onto him tightly as she cries into his shoulder, Hobie rubs her back in a soothing way to try and comfort her in any way he can.

-PILLOW FIGHTS!!!!! 90% of the time, Hobie’s the one who starts them. While Gwen is just chilling on the couch or about to go to bed, he’ll just *WHACK* and Gwen fights back and it ends up lasting for like 30 minutes. Oh and I can also imagine them having water gun fights at Hobie’s place.

-Amusement parks. They LOVE amusement parks and arcades, especially Gwen. She’s obsessed with rollercoasters and always asks to go twice, and Hobie is a god at all the arcade games, and he always wins stuff for Gwen. Bonus: One time Hobie won Gwen a baby deer plushie and she named it Miles.

Okayyy I hope you enjoyed these silly headcanons and I’m sorry there’s so many I got a little carried away aauahsjskks but tysm for the ask this was really fun to make!! ^_^

[ohmydavidbowie]

There’s something cruel about living and as incredible as it may seem, it’s not the fact one day our journey is going to end.

It’s not about waking up everything and studying something you’re not even sure that you like or about needing to work so you can get pieces of paper in return.

It’s also not about feeling desperate because you don’t know which way to go or because you regret the one you chose.

The cruel thing about life is having to go through this alone.

From the moment you open your eyes until you close them, the only company you have is yourself.

You meet people, change their lives, allow them to transform yours and then they leave, with either a word or a kiss, leaving either a scar or the inspiration for you to take another step, maybe go back another three so you can walk again, with more assurance, with more will.

There are those who look like they are never leave us and it’s the certainty that they are, that makes us enjoy each second, opening our chest and letting them make it their home, for as long as they want. For as long as we let them.

There are those who stay for just a little bit, but mark you for the rest of your days. And it’s about these people you’re gonna write when it’s past midnight, after drinking too much or having your heart broken.

Because one day, somebody’s gonna hurt you. And you’re gonna feel like someone is tearing your skin apart and bathing you with alcohol. And you’re gonna want to scream, maybe you really will. Your pillow will become your best friend. You will try to forget but every attempt is a reminder. Your open eyes show you the reality and when you close them, the lighting is the only thing that changes. You’re still in pain, but it’s dark now.

It’s past midnight.

And you hurt someone.

Because trauma made you act the way you promised you never would. Because everything seemed too right and when things are going too well, you need to destroy them. Because your own voice keeps saying you don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve a chance, you don’t deserve a cure. Because you didn’t know how to deal. Because you loved so much that you didn’t know what to do with yourself. Because you hated and hated your own person and then decided to escape.

Not from someone else, but from yourself.

The race is unfair, you run faster and get nowhere. You don’t know why you’re running. Don’t know who’s behind you and neither what’s coming next. You’re tired. You won and you lost. You just want to rest.

It’s past 1am.

And you hurt yourself.

And someone hurts you.

And it’s a never ending circle. Why? Why not?

One day, you’re gonna meet someone who’s gonna hold your hand while you run. Things will get easier, you will laugh more, the weight will become lighter.

And this person is gonna leave you.

And it will hurt.

And hurt some more.

And you’re gonna hurt yourself.

And you’re gonna hurt someone else once again.

Because we always hurt the one we love the most.

Every time you fall, you’re gonna get up. Maybe there won’t be a hand around to help pull you through. Maybe you’re gonna need all the strength you have to lean on a wall, on a door.

On life.

On the cruelty of going through this alone.

The song you love the most and that makes you sentimental says Jupiter is the loneliest planet, but you exist.

You exist. You make mistakes. You regret them. You make more mistakes. You get something right. You make more mistakes than you get things right. And it’s ok, because that’s what makes us human.

As they mention in that show that has a special place inside of you: that’s why pencils have rubbers on their end. Because people make mistakes.

It’s almost 2am.

The world keeps bringing you more questions than answers, getting off your bed is still a challenge, your stomach burns and the app tells you to breath in four steps and you obey because sadness makes your breath faster and it looks like you won’t survive, it’s getting dark again, the walls are closing in, air is not making its way to your lungs, your hands are tingling, the tears are furiously running down your face, everything seems wrong, nothings make sense, you don’t make sense.

But who said it needs to?

It’s another day.

Someone else is part of your life. This time it was harder to allow them.

You love as love should be loved.

You live as life should be lived.

You feel pain as it should be felt.

You go as you should go.

You follow your path, always waiting for another hurricane.

Because life is cruel. Another hurricane is coming.

And when it hits, you’re stronger, knowing more, understanding more. Things are not as messy. It’s better than before. Everything is shaken, but what should stay, stays.

You stay.

You cry. You smile.

And then you heal.

Not because they expect you to.

Not because they want you to.

But because you can.

[zukuist]

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲’𝐝 𝐛𝐞

500 followers special

includes: multiple characters

your name is shortened to y/n, gender neutral reader

notes: thank you for 500 followers aaaa whndwndkw that’s a lot of people ❕❕school is rlly mean to me so,, this is an apology

—

midoriya izuku — ADORATION FROM DAY ONE

from the first day, he’d definitely had a crush on you since then.

it’s painful that you don’t quite notice it, but it’s been from the very start with him. the moment your first ever conversation with him ended, was the day you became imbedded into his mind forever, his heart palpitates everytime he hears your name, he tries to act subtle with the flush of his cheeks whenever you guys make eyecontact, presumably when he’s doing his word ramble.

activities spent together as friends would be taking buzzfeed quizzes, watching funny hero compilations, and of course, random shower thoughts.

his cheeks flush in pink whenever you lean onto him after a vigorous training session, your face pressed against your palm as you drink down from the waterbottle he offered to you. he’s a loss for words when you remember specific details of things no one but him would remember, because he’d be talking too fast.

scenarios go flying in his head whenever he lays down in bed. restless, and unable to fall deep into sleep, and when he replays the events that happened that day, that’s when he’s able to calm down. he can only start scrambling on how he’d tell you, that is.. if it doesn’t ruin what you guys have.

todoroki shōto — GRADUAL ADMIRATION

you were an one in a million, even before he realized his feelings.

you stuck with him through his best and worst moments. you saw the grime parts of him that he only expressed out of frustration, and you also saw that well polished version of him, a version of him that’s adorned in a clean turtle neck. he doesn’t know how it exactly manifested, but it was surely when he sat down on his futon, heart beating quite rapidly as he recalled what your voice was, your words, and your expression. and that was when he knew he was pinning on you.

activities he’d look forward to would be looking at memes of his dad, baking and accidentally setting the piece of batter on fire, reading weird books that were made by those new york times authors, buying oddly ugly clothes you’d never need,

shouto can’t help but smile when he sees you asking for some warmth, or maybe something cool, and while you’re talking to him like it’s a regular day, he doesn’t know what else to do but pull you closer when you fall asleep in a bus beside him. he’s also stuck with just admiring you, watching how your facial expressions change with each realization you make inside of your head.

he doesn’t know why it’s like this. his heart wasn’t acting like this in the years before, or maybe he’s sick.. it would be terrible if he was, and he wants to find out, because he wouldn’t be able to stand it if it affected what you guys have.

bakugō katsuki — SUBTLE.. OR MAYBE NOT.

it’s a miracle that he actually tolerated you, and it wasn’t just for a moment too

it wasn’t like you actively bothered him (bc he’d get sick of that shit quick) but just so happened to get roped into every single situation with him, and he just gradually got more used to you. he surely acted like he didn’t like being around you, but he found himself texting you, a reminder that he left a meal in the fridge for you and if you didn’t eat it, he’d eat it instead. he also found himself teasing YOU, and not the other way around, but if anyone did that— they’d meet their untimely end. and that’s how he realized it.

activities he.. didn’t hate a lot were arm wrestling with you, eating spicy food without milk, sending weird memes and with the context ‘that’s you.’, walking home with you because you’d get lost without him

he hates that everything suddenly changed, and he only noticed. he’s been checking you out since then, and he’s glad he’s never gotten caught. everytime he decided to text you ‘his best friend’, he found himself wondering if it’s appropriate, or if you’re asleep, or if he sounds too nice. that’s probably when he tosses his phone to the side, mumbling about getting that shit out of the bag soon.

kaminari denki — WEIRD REALIZATION

the best friend that was always goofy and quite chaotic around you, that was until you accidentally did something that he found attractive.

you guys always clicked with each other, practically sharing a braincell every single time you guys joked around with each other. your thought process was practically linked with his, and it was strictly platonic. you’re attractive, yes- but when you were laughing at his antics at 2am, you fell onto his lap. eyes staring at his electrifying gaze softly, yawning as you claim that you’re sleepy

activities you guys find yourself doing for the fun of it were reading cringy and badly written fanfics, making weird roleplays, doodling on each others’ faces when one of them sleeps, and making memes, printing them out and framing them.

it was such an eye opener to him, and he’s unsure if he has any regrets or not. everytime he sees you, he’s suddenly reminded of that night, and everytime you attack his shoulder during a laugh attack, he grows aware of your hands. he’ll be a mess, until he gets it out. but until then, he’s wondering if it should stay platonic, or if it should move forward. he’s unsure

shinsō hitoshi — CONTEMPLATING FROM AFAR

you guys worked well together. very compatible, and miscommunications were rare.

you were just conveniently there when shinsō needed someone, and you guys clicked so well, to the point he didn’t even remember a time he fought back with your attempts of being friendly. you were also that friend that managed to remember his presence, and bring him to places he needed to socialize (just so he’d work on it) and you’re oddly so patient with him, it’s crazy. he’d assume it was all strictly platonic until he found himself staring at you, and there was a split second that he imagined inside his head, a vision of you in his arms. and he shakes his head, because you’re his bestfriend, but.. the idea itself isn’t terrible.

activities you found each other bonding over were sneaking out, just to go to 7-11, asking random questions out loud and only for the other person to answer, aggressive mario cart, watching dance moms and the kardashians just because, and dragging shinsou to the bathroom so he could try on a painful pore strip with you at 1am.

he hates himself for being like this, and shinsō can’t help but feel guilty for checking you out whenever your back is turned, or when he starts anticipating for you to walk through that door with a painful skincare product in your hands. but he sighs to himself, because it’s now or never. if your wish was to make it strictly platonic, he’d be content with that as long as if it didn’t ruin anything, and if you were to be his then.. score.

—

©️izukulie 2021, bnha|mha belongs to horikoshi kohei. do not steal my work ❕

[mageofseven]

The Undateables version! Here's the Brothers' post~

Also:

Not Obey Me related, but I recently found this picture and felt is was fitting lol

~

Diavolo:

His Queen had only been living with him for a few days at this point.

The couple had been dating for two years and the prince had finally decided to bring up the subject of MC moving in with him.

He had wanted to for a while now, but was a afraid to seem too pushy with his Sweetheart.

Plus, part of him worried that they wouldn't want to. After all, there's always something fun going on at House of Lamentation. In comparison, his castle is a quiet, cold place.

That only made the prince want his human to live with him even more though

So when the two discussed the idea and MC said yes, the man was overjoyed.

It's been three days since his Sweetheart moved in though and they seemed rather anxious.

This night, the prince had been working late and was finally ready to retreat to his room for the night, but upon seeing his bed empty and Queen missing, the man grew concerned.

Diavolo stopped his butler in the hall, who was also retreating for the night, to ask where MC was.

Barbatos had informed his lord that the human was in the kitchen, baking some sort of cookie-brownie hybrid treat.

Diavolo raised an eyebrow before thanking his friend and heading to the kitchen.

Just as the other demon said, MC was in the kitchen. The human sat on the floor in front of the stove, watching the treats bake.

"My Queen?"

The human jumped, but upon noticing it was their boyfriend, gave an anxious smile.

"Oh... hi Sweetie."

The prince sat on the floor next to the human, laying his hand on their leg.

"What's wrong? Why are you sitting on the floor at this time of night?"

The human didn't answer, just went back to staring at the stove and wrapping their arms around themselves.

The big demon pulled them into his arms, embracing his Sweetheart.

"MC, you know you can talk to me."

The human buried their face in his chest, breathing in their boyfriend's scent and letting themselves find peace from it.

"I just...please don't be upset..."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Why would I be upset?"

The human sighed and explained it to their boyfriend.

When Diavolo had asked them if they wanted to move in with him, the human became anxious. They weren't really good with change and didn't wanna leave the Brothers, who had become family to them

But they also felt pressured to. Not by Diavolo, but by unspoken expectations. Wasn't two years a long time to date without moving in together? They didn't have anything to compare it to, but they assumed so.

They worried that by saying no, they'd be halting the progression of their relationship and acknowledged that even if they loved living at House of Lamentation that surely they couldn't do so forever.

MC agreed because it felt like it was inevitable that it would happen at some point.

For the first two nights, MC could push through because they got to cuddle their boyfriend as they fell asleep, but since he worked late tonight, MC became so unbearably lonely

And all they could think about was how if they still lived at House of Lamentation that they could have gone to Levi's room to play games or head to the kitchen with Beel and chat as he ate or be comforted by Asmo when gets back from a party or stop in to check up on Lucifer and bring him coffee

But they couldn't because they weren't there and that made the human incredibly anxious and sad.

The human knew it wasn't as if they'd never see the Brothers again, that it was just that they were restricted to the daytime

But their anxiety about the change was still enough to push the human into keeping busy, hence the baking.

The prince felt so guilty. He kissed his Queen's forehead.

"I'm so sorry, my Sweetheart. I did not know that this would be such a difficult adjustment for you."

"I...I didn't say anything so of course you didn't know. Please don't blame yourself."

Diavolo kept his human close and stroked their hair.

"What can I do for you? Would you...would rather move back in with Lucifer and his brothers?"

MC pulled back and gave a small smile to their boyfriend.

"You're too sweet." The human leaned in and kissed their boyfriend. "Dia...thank you. I want stay here with you though; I want to give this a chance because...I know if I can adapt that we're going to be so very happy."

Diavolo smiled back at his Sweetheart and pulled them back in for a tight hug

...then starting smelled something burning.

After handling the now charcoal-looking treats, the prince carried his Queen bridal style back to their room, loving his human so deeply and cherishing this time with them as they both fell asleep.

Barbatos:

MC was staying the night at the castle with him. It was the first time the two of them have ever slept in the same bed

And ever done some...others things.

Tonight was definitely a milestone for the couple.

After the nights activities, the two had fallen asleep.

At some point though, Barbatos woke up with a sudden gnawing feeling as if something was wrong

And glanced at the other side of the bed to find that the human was gone.

After getting dressed, the man wandered the castle in search of them and found MC in the kitchen.

"My Dear?" The butler stepped inside just in time to see them pull the pie out of the oven.

The human smiled nervously at him.

"Oh...hi." They looked away. "Sorry, I just...yeah."

Barbatos raised an eyebrow.

"Is there something on your mind?" He approached the human as they set the pie on the on the counter.

MC stared down into the pie.

"Barb...are you really okay with settling for me?"

The man pursed his lips and stared at them for a moment before laying his hand on their cheek.

"I am sorry I that ever made you believe such a thing was worth asking, my Pet. I assure you, 'settling' is not the case. Life has gifted me with you and I treasure you above all else."

"E...Even though I'm human?"

"MC, I have no issues with your race. You are a person, same as I, and a lovely one at that."

The human launched at the man, pulling him into a hug. Eyes wide, Barb started stroking their hair.

"Is this why you're out of bed and...baking in the middle of the night?"

"Mhmm." His Dear mumbled from against his chest. "I just...I couldn't sleep after...you know...and these thoughts filled my head and I just wanted to keep busy so I didn't have to focus on them."

"Do you regret it, my Dear? Did we move too fast?"

"No!" MC pushed back. "I was ready...I was so happy. I just...afterwards, it just felt kinda scary. You make me feel so incredibly loved and it's overwhelming since I don't feel as if I deserve it."

The human took his hand and squeezed it.

"I love you. This...this is just me. This is my issue and you help just by loving me despite it, okay?"

Barbatos leaned in and kissed their forehead.

"Alright, my Dear." He told them. "Now, is there anything you need?"

MC glanced at the pie then smiled shyly.

"...Wanna eat some cherry pie with me?"

He gave them a small smile in return.

"If that is what you wish, my Dear."

Solomon:

MC was spending the night at Purgatory Hall with their boyfriend.

It was around 1am when Solomon felt the other human slip out of bed.

Assuming they just needed to use the restroom, the man didn't think much of it and let himself drift back to sleep.

About an hour later, the man turned on his side and reached out to hold his little Minx to his chest, just to find the space next to him still empty.

The sorcerer frowned, not able to fall back asleep with MC unaccounted for.

He gave a sleepy groan before kicking off the blankets and rising from the bed, heading towards his door.

He found the other human in the kitchen with the counter covered with peanut butter cookies and a plate of their own with them at the table with a glass of milk.

"Little Minx, was this really necessary at 2am?" He asked, smiling at them in a mild amusement.

The other human jumped at his voice and accidentally dropped their cookie in their milk, causing a splash and small drops of milk to spill on the table.

MC pouted, causing their boyfriend to give a small chuckle.

The sorcerer took a seat next to them and grabbed a cookie for himself, taking a bite as he watched MC try to fish their own cookie out of their milk.

"Why are you awake?" MC asked him softly.

Solomon raised an eyebrow.

"I believe that's my question for you, little Minx."

Silence. MC stared down into their milk, giving up and letting the cookie somewhat float inside.

The man frowned.

"I cannot help if you don't talk to me, MC."

"W...What's going to happen to us?" MC started to fidget in their seat. "I mean...summer is coming and...the school year is ending..."

Solomon watched the other human, letting them continue since he could tell they were trying to find their words in order to continue.

"Are you...is there..." MC bit their lip. "Are we gonna be invited back next year as exchange students? If not...are we...can we still be together? Or do we have to...ya know..."

"Do you honestly think I'd break up with you if we couldn't attend RAD anymore?"

"....."

The man sighed and pulled his Minx into a hug.

"This relationship isn't just something to past the time during my stay here. If that was all it was, I wouldn't have dated you or anyone." He told them. "I'm with you because...it's simply what I want to do. There's something here with you that I never had with others. Something I don't think I could ever let go of."

"Really?"

"Really, little Minx." He smiled at them. "I may not be sure when or if we'll be invited back here, but that will not be a factor in our relationship. We'll simply be happy in the Human realm for a while."

He pulled them in and gave them a long, sweet kiss.

"Now, let's finish off a few cookies and get back to sleep, alright, little Minx?"

Simeon:

MC was spending the night at Purgatory Hall after a game night. Lucifer allowed it, thinking MC would sleep in the extra room in Purgatory Hall, the one that originally would have been theirs anyway if Diavolo hadn't decided that they were safer at House of Lamentation.

Of course, MC was actually in bed with their boyfriend; the other two housemates knew of their relationship at this point and wouldn't tell others their secret.

At some point during the night, Simeon jolted awake. Did he have a bad dream? The man honestly didn't know since whatever he might have dreamt faded quickly as he focused on his breathing and reached out for his Feather--to find that they were no longer laying next to him.

For whatever reason, he had this sickening feeling in him as if something was wrong. He rushed out of bed and went in search of the human.

He found them in the kitchen, asleep on the floor in front of the oven

Which had smoke coming out of it.

The angel ran over and picked up the human, waking them in the process as he sat them by the entry way and went back to deal with the small fire in the oven.

"S-Simeon?" The human called him, sleepy and confused.

With the fire out, the man sighed in relief and returned to his Lamb's side, lowering himself to the floor and pulling them into his arms.

"Oh, my Feather..." He said softly, not losening the embrace.

MC's sleepy brain had finally caught up with the situation.

"Oh my...I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"You're okay." The man pulled back and eyed them up and down. "You are okay, yes?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

Simeon pulled them back in and held them for a minute more before kissing their forehead.

"Now what were you doing, my Lamb? Why were you out of bed?"

"I was...baking."

"...MC, it's 2am."

The human looked away.

"I know..."

With a pained expression on their face, the human spoke of the bad anxiety they have been feeling as of late, how they were hoping that by staying the night here and sleeping by his side that such anxiety would dissipate, but all it actually did was remind them of all they are scared of.

This relationship...it's so delicate. They cannot openly be with each other without risking ruin. If the wrong person hears, if the Celestial realm even suspects it...everything could fall apart.

"I've just been scared of losing you and it's hard no being able to confide in Lucifer or Mammon or Beel or any of them like I usually do...so the anxiety I've been feeling just built up and I couldn't sleep so I decide get up and I eventually just thought I could bake a few cookies and just busy myself so I don't have to think about it, at least for the time being...but I guess I fell asleep anyway."

"My Feather...you should have told me." He wiped a tear from their cheek, one MC never knew had fallen till then. "I'm so sorry for the stress this has put on you."

"I couldn't...I...I'm scared. I was worried that if I told you how I felt, you'd leave me thinking it was best for me, but in reality, it would crush me."

"MC, I would never. This...you are everything to me. I love you so deeply that I simply wouldn't have the strength to do that."

"You promise?"

"I swear on my very soul that I will do all within my power to stay by your side."

The two stayed huddled together on the floor for awhile, taking comfort in the closeness.

"Well, this...ordeal explains my sudden consciousness earlier."

The angel explained his sudden jolt of panic as he searched for them in bed. When MC asked what he meant, the man continue.

"We seem to have an...unofficial covenant though I'm not quite sure how."

"What's a covenant?"

"It's...I suppose you could compare them to your pacts with the brothers. A covenant is the binding agreement with an angel and a human when they seek protection and Celestial blessings in their life, in exchange for them to serve and help the angel in the Celestial realm for a time after their death. It's to help humans while also serving as another way of expanding the Angelic population." He explained. "However, we have not made such a covenant nor could we if we wanted to...such an agreement cannot be made with those who have made pacts with demons. Still...somehow my soul is reacting to you as if we had made one."

The couple had more questions than answers about their lives together, but it was nothing they could solve that night.

The two talked for a while before Simeon picked his Lamb up and carried them back to bed.

The two fell asleep in an embrace, all worries still in place, but both still feeling that regardless of it all, where they truly belonged was right next to each other.

[dionysus-and-the-bacchantes]

realistic dark academia tips

i love this aesthetic to DEATH don’t get me started... but let’s be honest, a lot of it is impractical in real life. so here are my realistic dark academia tips.

books to read (these are the only true dark academia books i’ve read. if u have suggestions pls let me know):

- the secret history by donna tartt

- if we were villains by m. l. rio

- the goldfinch by donna tartt (not DA, but an honorary mention bc it’s a masterpiece and some of it takes place at school + college):

clothes, jewelry, shoes, makeup, nails:

- oxfords

- cardigans

- thick black t-shirts

- plaid and corduroy pants from the local thrift store

- overcoats

- delicate silver, gold, or stainless steel necklaces, rings, and earrings

- turtlenecks

- tailored (or not) blazers (i’m too chicken to wear these out in public, but if i were more confident, i would ROCK these)

- cArDiGaNs

- dark red drugstore lipstick

- chipped dark purple nail polish, or no nail polish at all

- thick and thin black and brown vegan leather belts

- C A R D I G A N S

life and academic tips (inspired by my life as a classics major):

- stay up till 2am researching your favorite greek god or finishing up your latin assignment (i’ve done both of these things, and regretted my choices in the morning).

- or, go to bed at a reasonable hour and do the above things during the daytime.

- explore the woods surrounding your college under a full moon after a night of ghost stories and homemade hot chocolate in the classics department’s library. forget to bring a coat and slip on the icy snow every 5 minutes (i’ve also done this).

- wear tweed. or don’t. it’s EXPENSIVE!! and hot (not in the good way). get it used if you can.

- write short essays for fun on topics that interest you (my favorite is the one where i absolutely obliterate odysseus as a character. i don’t like him. you shouldn’t either.) the essays only have to be a paragraph or two, really. basically you can just word vomit about anything you’re passionate about. unless you’re on a break from school, you probably won’t have time to do this in a lengthy format. and that’s okay.

- make hot tea and forget to drink it until it’s cold. also. hoard canisters of tea like it’s your purpose in life.

- find friends in real life or online who are interested in DA like you are. if you all have that in common, you can discuss it and try to do some of these things together. it’ll make the experience a lot more fun.

- buy used books. try to read them.

- enjoy autumn to the fullest. breathe in the cool air. admire the colorful leaves. curse the wind for biting at your exposed ankles. think about how death is inevitable but somehow life always finds a way to come back.

- haunt forgotten places in your library. never leave.

- try to do your homework but get distracted every 5 minutes by your phone, specifically by tumblr.

- write entirely too many notes in your novels and textbooks. in the same vein, write bad poetry in your notes app.

- drink coffee at 5pm to keep yourself awake enough to do homework but then flash forward to 1am and you’re awake and shaking from the caffeine...actually don’t do that. it’s not pleasant.

- memorize your favorite poems and book passages (i haven’t done this much at all but i should. it’s fun!).

- join a classic literature book club. or start one. make your life what you want it to be!

- but most important of all.... ROMANTICIZE YOUR LIFE. it’s the only one you get (that we know of). might as well enjoy it.

[sweetsweetlittlepeach]

(a waltz for a night)

ok, it's midnight and i'm writing singing fiona apple because i felt it would be nice to externalize my feelings a little more (i write daily in my diary but lately i feel a greater need for tact and i don't think anyone else uses this site so i'm going to give it a try). there is one person and i love him, i love him since we met because i felt an instant connection and knew he was right for me. i was his first crush, his first love, the first time he truly felt he loved someone, and it was beautiful for many months because what we felt for each other was more than enough. we had so much fun together, i think we put a lot of our personality into each other because we shared things all the time, we watched more than 100 movies together and he revealed that he was always in love with me, that he wanted me and i was a dream for him. in a way, he was also a dream for me because i also knew of his existence and, wow, how handsome he was. he used to compliment me a lot, all day pointing out how beautiful i was and how lucky he was to be with me, that he was fulfilled because his first relationship was so cool and beautiful and healthy. we reached a level of love that even individual issues were discussed together because we both cared so much about each other and the relationship, what affected one affected the other and we were so in love that it was really all perfect. our song was "to be alone with you" by sufjan stevens, we sang together (he loved when i sent audios singing because he always liked my voice so much). my diary is full of him, months of intense passion and lots of love, it was a dream to date a guy so thoughtful, passionate and careful with me. it's funny because i made him like fiona apple and we discussed suffering in a possible breakup with "love ridden". but the end wouldn't happen, we loved each other too much to even consider breaking up. my favorite band is velvet underground, i can't even remember how many times we sang "candy says" together. he made me lose sleep and i will never forget him. we ended the relationship in a mixture of love and frustration because it wasn't about not loving each other or not working out, just life circumstances, because love was so abundant that there still is and i don't think it will stop there. he made me overflow. i still love him, i love his green eyes (i used to change the lyrics from velvet underground's "pale blue eyes" to "linger on your pale green eyes"), i love the boyfriend and best friend he was to me, i don't regret a single moment and it's gratifying to know that, despite everything, i was his first love. he was also my first great love because that was when i understood what it is to be loved and to be in fulfillness with yourself. in the end, i will carry it with me in my memory and in my blue diary that i can read any page and remember how happy i was. i watched the before trilogy for him and saw a lot of us in jesse and céline. i wish i had met him on a train too, we would walk the streets together and promise to see each other again someday, because i would be sure that he would be mine again. thank you for everything. 1am and i still love you. 2am and i love you more.

[oikawas-bae]

can I pls request something? Could I get some short scenarios with tsukkishima, Ushijima and kuroo where them and the reader share a bed and one day they have a fight so the reader sleeps on the couch and like neither can sleep without the other and where it would lead? I'm so soft for like cuddling and fluff fuwheiufhh anyways thank you I love ur blog uwu

this is such a cute and fluffy request omy, get you a man that can’t sleep without you 👏👏

Tsukkishima:

Tsukishima was a good boyfriend but he could be so damn critical sometimes. It was usually for a reason; he was tired from a long day at work or he’d had someone chastise his hard work earlier but he was also naturally snarky and it got on your nerves.

“I swear (y/n), can you be any more of a slob? Why are your clothes thrown all over our room?” You had been too lazy to pick up your clothes after the mini-fashion show you’d had while Tsukki was at work and you knew he’d blast you on it when he got home but he didn’t have to call you a slob.

“Did you just call me a slob?”

“Yeah, you obviously need a reminder. Now I’m gonna go clean up your mess, your welcome.” You didn’t know whether he meant to provoke you so that you could clean but it worked.

“I can do it myself,” you pushed him out of the way, making your way into your shared room. He didn’t think much of it until you came stumbling out of the room with a tower of blankets and pillows in your arms, dropping them on the couch.

“What are you doing?” He was rolling his eyes dramatically, he knew you had thought too much of his insult earlier.

“Getting comfy on the couch, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to sleep next to a slob.”

“(y/n).” He sighed out, giving you an ‘are you kidding me?’ look. But you paid him no mind and smoothed out the covers you had taken from the closet onto the couch. Knowing you wouldn’t say another word to him, he went up to the room for bed.

It was 1AM and not a wink of sleep. 2AM, you had important things to do tomorrow but you couldn’t even get into that state of half-sleep. 3AM, you were tired of the long winks that never got you to a complete state of slumber. Milk did nothing, tea did nothing, tuning into the infomercials didn’t even get you sleepy. It seemed impossible. There was only one option left.

You didn’t want to back down from your strike on Tsukishima but you couldn’t deny that being closely snuggled next to him under warm blankets didn’t lull you to sleep every time.

You walked to his room and in the hallway, Kei was standing with a pillow in his arms. “What are you doing?” You asked him, bewildered as to why he was up at this hour when he had work early tomorrow.

“I can’t sleep and I think being with you might make it a little easier...”

“Aww!! Did you just admit you need me?~”

“Stop being so loud, it’s late”

“hey , you don’t get to be mean to me anymore.”

“Then clean up your shit...but whatever, let’s just go to sleep.” You followed him back into your room and fell asleep almost the second he’d draped a lazy arm over your torso. He could be so rude but he needed you and you needed him to sleep and so much more.

Ushijima

“I can’t believe you, Wakatoshi. That was so embarrassing and you don’t even see where you’re wrong, do you?” You slung your bag onto the couch in a frustrated tread.

Ushijima was calmly shutting the door you flung wide open, “I don’t get it.” He had offended you on your outing with Semi and Tendou when he’d told them that you were always hungry for attention. What he said wasn’t that bad. It was how he said it, “(y/n) is like a child or like a leech I suppose? Always stuck on me.”

“Fuck you, Wakatoshi. Fuck you. I’m gonna go to sleep.” You pointed an accusing finger at him before throwing yourself onto the couch, shutting your eyes tightly as you struggled to find a comfortable position.

“You’re not going to sleep on our bed? Stop being angry, I’ll try to understand if you explain what it is that I did.” He tried to sit in the open space you’d left on the couch but you quickly changed positions so that your body sprawled onto that open space and you blocked him from settling himself.

“Go away Wakatoshi, I’m trying not to be a leech right now.”

“If that’s what you want.” He stood up, seemingly indifferent and went into the room you regularly slept in together. It wasn’t what you really wanted but you wanted him to regret what he said and take it back.

You knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep on this wretched couch, the spaces between the cushions were way too big, you and no blanket, no pillow (because sleeping on the couch was an on-the-spot decision and you hadn’t thought to bring the necessary provisions to help you sleep. And now your pride kept you from defeatedly walking into your room to grab a pillow or two. Wakatoshi would surely wake up, he was a light sleeper.

Stupid Wakatoshi, can’t read me for shit and has the audacity to sleep soundly without me.

But he wasn’t. And you saw that once it had been an hour and you’d been uncomfortably shifting on the couch you really needed to replace. You’d tiptoed into the room but immediately fell on the balls of your feet when you saw Wakatoshi sitting up reading. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

He looked up from his book, “I can’t sleep with you angry at me. I can’t stop thinking about what I did to offend you…”

“Wakatoshi…” The rigid slit of your mouth eased into a small smile and you walked around the bed and took your usual place next to Wakatoshi. He smiled just the same and put his book under the lamp, dimming it while he shuffled under the blanket onto his back.

He rested his chin on your head and you nuzzled into his neck, affectionately folding him in your arms, “I’m still angry at you, I just can’t sleep without you,” You muttered into his skin.

He let out a noise like a stifled chuckle, “Thank you for coming in here or I would’ve had a sleepless night.”

Kuroo

There was nothing more you wanted than to come home to the cake your cousin had said she had dropped off earlier at your house. It had been what had gotten you through the long day at work with your co-workers on your ass about every little thing. So boy did it get on your nerves when you saw Kuroo stuffing the final bite of the frosted delight into his mouth when you pranced into the kitchen.

“Tetsu! Give it back!” You stumbled over yourself in a desperate attempt to wish the cake back into existence.

“What am I supposed to do? Throw it back up? I mean that’s a little weird but I love you regardless~” he dodged your grasping hands.

“Shut up, Tetsu. That wasn’t for you!” He really didn’t think eating your cake would infuriate you the way it did. In his mind, he thought he could just get you a new and better piece of cake by tomorrow but no, you wanted it now. You didn’t talk to him for the rest of the day and by the time he’d come to ask you to come to bed, you were snuggly wrapped in blankets on the couch. He knew how stubborn you could be and this was better than you shutting yourself in the restroom for hours just to spite him so he left you be.

You couldn’t deny that you were feeling bitter toward Kuroo but you stayed up hoping that he would come out of your shared room with a heartfelt apology and go buy you a new cake right now. He would stay up with you while you ate it and then you’d fall asleep at peace with each other. But he didn’t come out of the room and he didn’t offer to buy you a new cake. All you got was crickets and you turning to glance at the entrance to the room where he slept at any minor disruption to the silence of the night.

It got to the point where you couldn’t take it anymore and you needed to have his warm body next to you; he was a human heater and it made him the best person to sleep next to.

Sliding under the covers, a shuffle in the sheets had you freezing in place. Kuroo lifted his head form the pillow at an awkward angle, “well finally. I couldn’t sleep without you.” And just like that, the temporary bitterness faded and all you wanted was to sleep and wake beside him. You’d still make him buy you another piece of cake though.

[blissfulparker]

Stuff that I started but never finished ♥︎

An actual compilation of my mess of a writing. This is stuff I never finish in 2019 because I lost motivation, ran out of ideas, fell asleep because it was just a 2am thought. It’s messy but here it is! Some of it is promises I could never even get around too, I’m sorry but I hope you enjoy!

Boxer!dad!tom x reader(I might finish this one for a writing challenge)

Summary: Tom comes home from a match, bruised and bloody. He hates the way he looks and never wants his daughter to see him like this, broken and in pain, but sometimes all his daughter wants to do is help.

Two clicks, two clicks was all you heard as Tom tried to stumble in quietly after a match. The door unlocked and swung open hitting the wall and you can hear Toms uneven breath begging for help. His body glisten in sweat and his hands held onto his stomach trying to cover up the large gauge that rested there.

“Tom?” You rubbed your eyes as you walked into the living room seeing him in the kitchen grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and chugging it as if it were his last bottle of water he were to ever drink. “Tom, come here.” You rush over to him and assist him with walking.

“I’ve got myself darling, you go back to—“ He starts and you look down at what he was holding. His hand covered in blood, that was no secret. The cut was oozing and it was stained purple and green around to show just how bad it was.

“Don’t tell me to go back to bed, you’re hurt.” You warned him as you helped him into the bathroom where you kept his emergency kit.

“Where is she?” He spoke mentioning your daughter who normally stayed up waiting for her father to tuck her in, even if that meant 1am.

“I put her to sleep hours ago.” You look at him and he breaks eye contact.

“Good, she doesn’t need to see me like this.” He sniffled. You knew that tom hated this, at least the day after Sophia was born. When his daughter was born he promised she’d never see her father broken, stumbling in and falling into pieces as her mother tried to fix him. Promised her she’d be safe and normal.

“Hey,” you tilt his chin up so he can look at you. “This doesn’t make you a bad parent.” You remind him and he nods. He feels the alcohol hit his skin and immediately hisses in pain.

“Daddy?” A small girl—

Peter Parker x reader

Summary: peters heater is broken so he substitutes his cuddles instead

Warm mug of tea meets your cold quivering lips.

Peters heater was broken, for the third time this month his heater was broken. He refused to get a new one, it was understandable since it was so expensive and peter was college student who could barely afford his own books. It also didn’t bother him, he had way more warmth for some odd reason and it didn’t bother his roommate ned either. But you swore If he didn’t get it fixed you would stop coming over.

“Peter,” you shiver and he looks up from his book. His face innocent and his body clean from goosebumps. “I’m cold.” You pout and he sees how you already have his flannel, his hoddie, his sweats, fuzzy socks, and you were ready to put on some gloves. There sat peter, short sleeves and sweats.

“Do you want a heating blanket? I think may packed some away somewhere.” He gets up to find something to help and you shake your head.

“Can we take a break and cuddle?” You asked. Peter loved cuddle breaks, more than any break in the world. Holding you in his arms and talking was just the start of something beautiful. Sometimes you’d fall asleep, sometimes you’d watch movies, others you’d simply just talk and then get up to do more work.

“C’mere.” He holds out his arms and you gladly fall into them. His skin warm and you’re still surprised that not a single goosebump messes with it. You curl into his chest as he holds you and you listen to the sound of his beating heart.

Ceo!dad!tom x singlemom!reader

From the series dine and dash I worte and loved over the summer. I wanted so badly to do an mini series but didn’t have enough ideas and people wanted black beauty more. So here is the start of something i never figured out

Dark roast coffee filled your nose on the early Tuesday morning.

Somehow, being six months pregnant, you got to sleep in. At first, the smell of coffee made you nauseous. Tom had Harrison bring him coffee since you didn’t like him making it at home. Now all you want is to have the taste of coffee and the feeling of caffeine run though your veins again.

“Daddy! I can’t find him! I don’t wanna go without him!” Cara whines as the Time was 8:15 and Cara didn’t have school so she was going to get dropped off at Toms mums house for the day.

“I don’t know Then princess, did mummy put him in the dryer?” He asked. It was pascal, the lizard from tangled she brought around everywhere.

Her feet pad down the hall as she nearly runs into you with a distraught look on her small face. You walked with her over to the dryer before handing her the doll.

“I found him!” She holds him up and then runs back to the couch.

“Can I have just a sip?” You joked. Tom always looked best in the morning, in your opinion. His hair gelled back and his suit still nice and crisp. His glasses sat pretty on his face just like the rest of his features.

“Very funny, hows He?” Tom asked. He was very excited, he would’ve loved a girl but there can only be one princess in charge, that was Cara.

“Wanting out, I can feel it.” You hold your swollen stomach. Everything hurt, it wasn’t as fun or cute as tom tried to make it.

Fwb!Tom x reader

Summary: too many weddings and too little people to fall in love with. You and tom both desperate for the love you deserve and what better place to realize it at your best friends wedding?

The dark blue dress hugged your body, it was tight, it felt so right against you skin. Parts of you wished you went with the gold but the dark navy blue was just as pretty too for the autumn wedding.

Your best friend was getting married, this would be the third wedding in the year span you’d be going to. First it was your sisters, then it was your cousins, now your best friends, and in a couple of months your other best friend would be getting married too in the nice London summer. You, you had this trouble finding love. You would have it in the palm of your hand and then it’d vanish. You tried everything, endless dates, one night stands, nobody stole your heart.

Now you had tom, Tom who was one of your friends who wasn’t getting married this year. You found him though Harrison, your best friends soon to be husband, after getting drunk at the engagement party a year ago you two started sleeping together. Swearing that even if you didn’t have lovers you’d have each other and a bed. It was just something so you two wouldn’t drown in your own sadness.

Soft fairy lights littered the ceiling and people danced. Tables with white tablecloths and a warm array of yellow and orange flowers, perfect for this season. You came alone, which you immediately regretted because everyone here had a date, everyone.

“I’m so glad you could make it to the after party!” Your best friend comes up to you and holds your hand. Her nails painted a beautiful pink and her dress now different than the one she wore this morning. She had the worlds biggest smile and the best diamond ring.

“Me too!” You smile and she looks behind you.

“Oh, thought you’d come with tom,” her smiles drops and your heart speeds up. She was probably the only one that knew about Tom, well, Harrison too since they were best friends.

“No, w-why would we come together?” You asked.

“He just...seemed disappointed this morning that you didn’t stay long after to talk with him. Thought maybe you two were trying to keep it low key but then you left and he got pouty and went back to his hotel too. I mean he came down for lunch and was better, thought maybe you two—“ she started to ramble but you shake your head tucking a hair behind your ear.

“No, I haven’t talked to him all day really.” You told her and she pouted again.

“Oh, well, he’s here...somewhere.” She smiles at you before kissing your cheek. “I’ve gotta go, Haz is gonna lose it without me!” She giggles as she runs off to her husband.

You walk around a bit, trying to find at least someone you knew who wasn’t occupied by a date. That’s when you found tom, all alone playing with the cherry in his drink as he scrolled through his phone.

“Hey stranger.” You walk up somewhat awkwardly and he smiles as he sits up a bit.

“Hey,” he sets his phone down and faces you. “Thought you might not show up.” He says and you look around.

“How could I not show up to my best friend's wedding.” You have him a warm smile. He nods as he looks around.

“I’m kinda over weddings.” He admits and you see some disappointment in his face. “My brother, Sam, he’s getting married soon. Well, engaged. He showed me the ring he got for her and it’s beautiful and I’m proud it’s just...I’m over seeing people get married.” He’s honest and you nod.

“My sister got married earlier this year, it was pretty but hell for me. It’s like we’re old now.” You take his drink from him and take a sip before making a sour face.

“It’s just a Shirley temple darling, not that hardcore.” He laughs a little and you shake your head.

“Still.” His arm moves around you and you lean your head on his shoulder. He’s your fuck buddy, you two sleep with each other and then leave. No hard feelings, no actual feelings, just fuck and leave.

“Do you wanna...dance?” You asked swallowing hard in the process.

[babyioniive-blog]

fight for me

summary: Lydia and Calum have a history together. Calum is an illegal fighter and Lydia left to escape When Lydia comes back into town, unspoken feelings rise to the surface and new challenges arise. 

word count: 14.8k

a/n: i’ve worked on this bad boy longer than i’d like to admit. This was inspired by @cakesunflower her stories about fighter or boxing got me thinking and I came up with this. This is in no way trying to copy her work!!! I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. 

- 

“Olivia please don’t drag me with you” I begged as my sister dragged me to the underground arena. “You need to get out more Lydia.” Olivia exclaims to me. 

The last time I was in that arena was when I saw him get knocked out cold. Calum Hood is an illegal boxer and also, my ex-boyfriend. Olivia dragged me to one of his fights one time because her boyfriend, Ashton, trains and manages him. We met at the afterparty and just hit it off from there. We bonded over our taste in music and our shitty taste in beer. I stuck with him through everything. I was there when he got more involved in the ring. I knew the fighting was getting to be a lot for him and when I saw him almost die, I couldn't do it anymore. I knew how much he loved the feeling of it. I knew how he loved the exhilarating feeling of when he won a tough fight. It was the highest of highs for him. And he was pretty damn good too. I loved being there to support him but, after that day I couldn’t do it anymore. I broke it off with him and went to college. I couldn’t make him choose between me or boxing. That was selfish so, I chose for him, thinking I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t the right thing. I made the mistake. 

“Everyone there hates me. You don’t understand.” I say exasperatedly. “No they don’t Lyd.” Olivia says tiredly. “They may not but I know Calum does. I haven’t spoken to him in a year Liv. He doesn’t want me there.” “If there is one thing I know, he wants you there, always.” Olivia says to me. “Not after what I did.” I say and stop dead in my tracks. “I broke it off with him. I made the choice. I haven’t talked to him in so long. He hates me and it’s all my fault. I can’t show my face there. It’s not fair to him.” I finish. “You’re going. You need to see him. He’s good now Lyd. He’s better.” Olivia says trying her best to convince me to go willingly. “Ugh you’re not gonna take no for an answer.” “No I’m not so just make this easy.” Olivia says as I relent. 

We get there and all of the memories come rushing back to me. The smell of burnt hotdogs. The sound of loud people and loud music blasting. I recognize the regulars. “I think I’m gonna be sick.” I mutter. This reminds me of his highest of highs and lowest of lows. I see the ring and it all hits me. I think of the times when he came out with blood dripping everywhere or when I thought he wasn’t gonna come out alive. I think of the bruises on his calloused hands. I think of the times he sat on my counter as I cleaned up his gashes. The feeling was overwhelming. 

Olivia guides me to where Ashton and his other friends Luke and Michael are. “Well well well, look what the cat dragged in. It’s nice to see you again Lydia.” Luke says as he sees me and pulls me in for a hug. “How have you been?” Michael asks as he hugs me too. How have I been? I don’t even know the answer to that. “I’ve been okay. School has swallowed me up.” I say not making eye contact. “How are you?” I ask back. “I’m good. Busy here keeping things on track.” He says. I just nod. Olivia and Ashton are talking. Ashton turns to me and whispers to me, “I know this is hard for you. Thank you for coming.” I just nod and smile nervously. He had no clue. “Does he know I’m here?” I ask him. He shakes his head and my face falls. “Great.” “Hey don’t worry about it. I think he’ll be happy that you’re here.” He says trying to reassure me. “Ashton, you and I both know he won’t be happy.” I said to him. He just makes a sad face and changes the conversation. “Who is he fighting tonight?” I ask and nobody answers my question. “Hello?” I say again. “You wanna tell her?” Luke asks as he looks to my sister. “He’s fighting Damon Banks.” Damon Banks. I knew that name from anywhere. He was one of the toughest fighters. Calum always talked about how his goal was to beat him. Damon was dangerous. He’s left people in that ring close to dead. He can’t be fighting him. “I’m sorry. He’s fighting who?” I asked again. “Listen I know you’re confused but he’s grown so much. Since you left, he’s improved a lot. He can beat him.” Luke says to me. I just stay silent. Since I left he said. That hurt. 

It was almost fighting time so Ashton went over to Calum's corner to hype him up. He’s gonna need it for this one. “I think you should know something before you go on.” Ashton said to him. “What is it?” Calum asked. “Lydia's here.” Ashton said and his eyes widened. 

It looked like that bomb hit harder than any punch could. He looks over sees me. We made direct eye contact. Great. The announcer comes on and announces the fighters. The fight was about to begin. 

The fight was brutal. He was down, battered and bloody. He almost lost but he found the strength to get up. With that he beat Damon with one punch. 

He won.

 Calum won against Damon Banks. Once he stepped out of the ring, Ashton greeted him with a towel. The feeling Calum felt had to have been euphoric. “Congrats man! You deserved that win.” Ashton says to him and he just smiles at him. “My man!” Luke greets him as he pats his back. “That was amazing Cal. Im proud of you” Michael says to him. “How do you feel?” Olivia asks. I try my best to stay behind. “I feel” he pauses “amazing.” That’s the first I heard his voice in a year. His deep raspy voice brought me back. Olivia whispers to me “You gonna speak Lyd?” “No.” I say back. She gives me a knowing look. Calum turns to me and says, “Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.”

 I feel my breath hitch in my throat. “Hi Calum.” Is all I can think of saying. I mentally hit myself. “I’m gonna give you two a second.” Michael says and with that, they all go, leaving just me and Calum. I look at him and say “You dyed your hair blonde.” He chuckles “You cut yours.” He replied. “That tends to happen at 2am post mental breakdown.” I say back hoping the ground swallows me up. “Why are you here?” He asks. “Well, you want the honest truth or what I tell people so they don’t question me?” I ask. “Both.” “So I've told people I’m taking a gap year so I can catch up with family but the truth is, it’s so depressing at college. Everyone are assholes and it’s caused my anxiety to go crazy so I’m taking a break for my mental health.” I say honestly. “M sorry to hear that.” He replies. “I should be apologizing to you.” I say to him. He just shakes his head. “Tonight is too good of a night to be bothered with the past.” He replied. “I agree.” I turn to walk away and he goes to change and get ready. 

“Where are we celebrating?” Michael asks. “Party at my house?” Olivia asks and I glare at her. “Come on Lyd, ease up.” Olivia says. I just nod my head. This is so not how I wanted to spend my night.

At my house, it's me, the boys and a few other people from Calums gym. Olivia is drinking. I’m not really in the mood for all of this so I sit in the corner of the living room. I decided to go outside for some air. I just sit on the patio taking it all in. I watch the stars for a while. I don’t even realize it’s almost 1am. Soon i’m joined by someone. I turn around and see Calum and give him a small smile. He comes and sits down next to me and takes out a cigarette. We sit in silence. I’m the first to break the silence. 

“Those are gonna kill you one day.” I say to him. “Me and you both know that I have a better chance of dying inside that ring than by this.” He says as he looks at me. “That’s why you left isn’t it.” Calum says. Is it? Is that what he wants to hear? “I thought you didn’t want to talk about this tonight.” I reply. “Call me curious.” He mutters. “To answer your question, It was a part of it yes.” I paused “After seeing you almost die multiple times in that ring, I just couldn’t do it Calum.” I say looking at my feet. “You could’ve talked to me.” He said. “I didn’t want to make you chose. That’s selfish of me.” I say as he stays silent. “I regret it.” I finish. “Me too.” He says standing up. “You didn’t do anything.” I mutter to him. “I didn’t fight for you.” he pauses “and I fucking hate myself for it.” he said walking away but stops before he gets to the door. “and for the record, if you did make me choose, I would've chosen you.” He says leaving me speechless and with that he walks inside. 

I decided to go to bed and think about the night's events. The love Calum and I had was a once in a lifetime thing. We were each other's everything. I never stopped loving him, and I don’t think I ever will. 

                                                        ******

The next morning I woke to be greeted by 3 men in my kitchen. “Did anyone leave last night?” I question. “A few did. Calums in the bathroom.” I nod and go to the cereal. “How did that go last night? I saw you guys talking outside.” Luke ask. “It went okay. We kinda talked about it.” I said. “Please don’t hurt him again.” Luke replies. I stopped dead in my tracks. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I mean, that when you left Lydia, he was devastated. He was hurting bad. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces again” Luke responds. “Mate I think now isn’t a good ti-” Ashton starts but I interrupt. I’m not doing this right now. He has no clue what I went through. It wasn't an easy choice. “You think I wasn’t devastated? You think that I wasn’t hurting too?” I pause. “That choice was the hardest fucking choice I’ve ever had to make. It was stupid of me not to talk to him about it yes but I was hurting too. You have no clue what I went through either. Knowing it was my fault too. You have no clue. No fucking clue Luke. You don’t know what it’s like to see someone you love, go into that ring and not know if they’ll make it out alive. I loved him, fuck I still do and I always will but that’s not why I’m here. Don’t you think for a second that I wasn’t hurting too.” I finish and Calum walks out of the bathroom and with that I walk back upstairs. “The fuck did you say to her?” Calums questions. “Just that I didn’t want her to hurt you again.” Luke replied. Calum clenches his jaw and just says “Stay out of it.” After that, silence fills the kitchen. 

Eventually they all left to go to the gym to train. Calum had another match tomorrow. Ashton was having a mini get together with Olivia and the boys and he invited me. Dinner, some drinks. “Lydia please come.” Olivia begged. “So Luke can humiliate me in front of everyone again? no thanks I'll sit this one out.” I pleaded. “Calum told him to stay out of it. He won’t try anything. I promise.” Calum did what? Why would he defend me? I eventually considered it and decided to go. 

We walked in and I'm greeted by Ashton and Michael. Luke is on the couch and Calum is outside having a smoke. I decided to go into the kitchen and get a drink. After all, I’m gonna need it tonight. 

“You haven’t changed at all have you?” I’m greeted by Calums raspy voice. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I look at him in question. “You still drink that shit?” He says chuckling. “I rarely drink but if I see this in someone’s fridge I’m bound to take it.” I reply back. He walks over to me. “Sorry bout Luke earlier. He shouldn’t have said that.” he said sincerely. “He’s looking out for you. I deserved it anyway.” I mutter. “Listen I know it was a tough choice for you to make. You were hurting too. You didn’t deserve it.” he said. Why is he looking out for me? I hurt him. I fucked up bad. I broke his heart and it was my fault. “Why are you talking to me? Why don’t you hate me after what I did? I fucked up majorly and yet you still associate with me.” I said to him. “I couldn’t hate you even if I tried. What you did… fucking hurt.” he paused  but “I know I wasn’t the only one hurting. Your sister told me a little bit after you left.” he replied to me. I stayed silent. “Do you regret it?” He questions. Yes. “More than anything in the world.” I reply honestly. “Can I ask you one more thing?” His jaw clenched. I nod. “Would you have stayed if I quit?” he asks. I think about it for a second. “I would’ve never asked you too but yes, I would’ve. I wish I never fucking left.” and with that I get up and move to find Olivia. I wanted to go home. 

“Can we leave please? I’m getting overwhelmed.” I ask her once I find her. “Lyd I drank I can't drive.” she says to me. “I will.” I hear from behind me. I turned around to see calum standing  there with his hands in his front pockets. “I haven’t drank.” he mutters softly. “o-okay” i stutter. We walk to the car and start driving. It was almost completely silent. “Are you fighting anyone good tomorrow?” I asked. “Nah. Just an amateur. probably will just be a 3 minute match.” he replied. I hummed. “Are you coming?” He asks. I see hope in his eyes. “Do you want me too?” I ask back. “I always said you were my good luck charm.” With that he smiles a little and I feel my cheeks go red. “I’ll go. Only if you want me too” I reply. “I do.” Before we knew it, I was at my apartment. “Thanks for the ride.” I say. “Course. See ya around.” He replied. I simply smile and nod. He waits until I’m in before he leaves.

 Tonight was eventful. I go take out my contacts and get ready for bed. Right before I turned out the light my phone buzzed.

Calum

Thanks for your honesty. See you tomorrow.

Wow. Do I even respond? 

Lydia

Thanks for hearing me out. See you then. 

With that I just went to bed. I don’t want to fall for him again. I can’t, fall for him again. I don’t want to experience the pain I felt again. I don’t want to be terrified of him doing something he loves. He said he’d quit for me but how can I ask him to do that? I don’t want to feel then pain but I miss the love. I miss the feeling of being in his arms. I miss the feeling of waking up next to him. I miss hearing the ‘I love you’s” before and after every match. 

I miss the feeling of being loved. 

                                                 ******

“Wake the fuck up Lydia.” Olivia yells in my face. I jolt awake “What? What do you want?” I ask. “Get ready we’re going to breakfast. Well, lunch now because you took forever to wake up.” She exclaims. “Number one, what time is it? Number two, with who?” I ask groggily. Please don’t say Calum. Please don’t say Calum i think to myself. “It’s 11:00am and Ash and Cal.” Of course. “Is this some weird way of saying we’re going on a double date because I don’t think I’m ready for tha-” She cuts me off. “No it’s not. It’s me saying you two are gonna fix whatever your problems are so it’s not weird to hang out together.” “He asked me to go to his match tonight. I think we’re doing just fine.” “Look at that. Progress. Now get ready. Ashton is picking us up in 30 minutes.” “I hate you.” I mutter and throw a pillow at her as she walks out. 

I get up and quickly get ready. Ashton pulls up and we get in the car. Of course Calum is in the back seat with me. “Good Morning” Ashton exclaims. I just say it back quietly and crawl in the back. “What’s her problem?” Ashton asks gesturing toward me. “I woke her up and she wasn’t happy.” Olivia explains and he just nods and kisses her. I sit in the back with Calum. “Good morning!” He says to me. Someones offly cheery today. “Good morning.” I say back. “How’d you sleep?” He asked. Shitty. “Couldn’t get my mind to settle so I didn’t really sleep.” I say back. He looks at me with a look that’s hard to read. “M sorry. Any reason in particular?” You, I wanted to say. “Everything.” I say back shrugging. “How did you sleep?” I ask. “Couldn’t get comfy. Bruises all over from my fight with Damon.” He replied. “I bet. It was a gnarly fight.” I reply. “Yeah but I feel better knowing that he looks much worse.” He chuckles. I laugh and the car is filled with silence other than the radio. It’s a comfortable silence surprisingly.  

We get to the restaurant and sit down. Olivia is next to Ashton and I’m next to Calum. I swear Olivia does this on purpose. Calum and I used to come here together all of the time. “What are you guys getting?” Ashton asks. “I’m getting the-” I start but before I can finish Calum steps in with, “The belgian waffles with strawberries on it and on the side.” “You remember.” I say to him. “How can I forget? We used to come here twice a week.” He said looking into my eyes. Olivia and Ashton just watch the interaction in silence. Soon the waitress comes over and takes our order. The table is filled with small talk. “So Lydia how’s college been?” Ashton asks and Olivia and Calum just look at me. “Um it’s okay.” I reply not wanting to elaborate on the subject. Olivia gives Ash a look and all of the sudden I feel coldness on my thigh. I look down and see Calums ringed fingers on my leg. I feel my breath hitch in my throat. I look at him and he gives me a reassuring look. After that Olivia asks “Calum are you ready for your fight tonight?” “Yeah. Shouldn’t be too hard.” He replied taking his hand off of my thigh. Our food comes and we all eat. Surprisingly this wasn’t that bad. We were eating and things were going fine until ashton gets a call. “Hello? I’m kinda busy right now what’s up?” He said into the phone. “What? Luke slow down. What happened?” We all look at Ashton in concern. “He wants a rematch? For what? Cal won fair and square.” I look at Calum concerningly and he has a blank look on his face. “Okay give me a few we’ll be there. I’m with the girls.” 

Ashton hung up and Olivia asks, “What’s going on?” “Damon wants a rematch. He came to the gym and basically ambushed Luke and Michael.” “Are they okay?” I ask. “Yeah they’re fine. He threatened them and-” It was Calums turn to speak. “Threatened who?” 

“He threatened Lydia.” 

The world stopped spinning. Me. Why me? They all stare at me. “I’m gonna kill him.” Calum muttered as his jaw clenched. “Why me?” I ask quietly looking at my hands. “He saw you there that night and he heard us talking to you. He figured you were close to Cal. Lydia I’m so sorry.” Ashton explains. Calum just looks at me. He doesn’t know what to say but neither do I. We pay and leave and go to the gym. 

We’re in the car and Calum grabs my hand reassuringly, “He won’t touch you. I won’t let him.” I look into his eyes. Why me? I just came home. I didn’t ask for this. I just look into his eyes and softly nod. 

We arrived at the gym to be greeted by Luke and Michael. “Tell me exactly what happened.” Calum demands. “H-he stormed in here and demanded to see you or Ash but when I told him you weren’t here he got pissed. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and demanded a rematch and that if he doesn’t get it he’s gonna-” He stopped and looked at me worriedly, “He’s gonna what Luke?” Calum yelled. “He’s gonna find L-Lydia.” Calums jaw clenched. Olivia just grabs onto me and hugs me. I stare blankly. Calum looks at me softly “From now on, you don’t travel alone okay? You stay with one of us.” I just look at him and nod. “He wants a rematch? I’ll give him a fucking rematch.” Calum mutters and storms into the locker rooms. They all look at me like I’m about to break. “Are you okay Lydia?” Olivia asks. Am I? I mean, I just got told a big scary man is after me just because he wants to fight my ex-boyfriend. “I don’t know.” that's all I can say right now. “I’m gonna go check on Calum.” Luke says and goes to the locker room. “He’s probably gonna come to his fight tonight.” Ashton mutters to us. “Calum asked me to be here tonight.” I tell him. “I don’t know if he’ll want you here now.”  “He won’t want her alone.” Olivia mutters. 

Calum and Luke walk out. “Can I talk to you for a sec?” Calum asks me. “Yeah.” We walk over to the other side of the ring. “I’m so sorry this is happening.” He says refusing to look me in the eye. “It’s not your fault.” I say back. “It is though.” “No it’s not Cal. You didn’t ask for that to happen. You didn’t know it would.” Cal. I haven’t called him that yet since I’ve been back and I think he noticed. He looked up at that. “I won’t let him hurt you.” He says to me. “I know. I trust you.” I paused. “Ashton said something that he might be here for your match tonight. I don’t know If you still want me he-” he cuts me off “I’d rather you here than home by yourself.” He said. “I figured. I just wanted to make sure.” I said to him. “I need to get training. I’ll see you around okay? Please don’t go anywhere alone. I- I don’t know what he’s capable of.” He said worriedly. “I won’t.” He said something under his breath but i heard him anyway, “I’m not losing you again.” 

And with that, he stalked off to train and Ashton took Olivia and I home. The car ride back was silent. It was deafening. He walked us in and I locked myself in my room. 

I just left college to give my head a break and now this happens. I’m being stalked because some guy wants to fight Calum. Why me? I left to escape this. Calum has fought some pretty rough guys but they never went to the extent of this. They never threatened anyone outside the ring, let alone me, someone he hasn’t spoken too in a year. 

                                           ********

After a while I hear a knock on the door, “Hey Lyd, we have to get ready to go.” Olivia says as she peeks her head in. I nod and get up. I walk downstairs and I’m greeted by Ash. “Hey we have to go now. Calums already there but I need to be there soon. He doesn’t want you guys going alone.” We just nod in response and go to the car.

Once we get there I see Calum in the ring training. He glances at me and nods. I returned the gesture and continue to watch him. Luke was certainly right. He has improved. I mean, he had quite the motivation.

 Soon it’s time for the fight and he’s about to go on. He comes over to us and asks Luke, “Has anyone seen him?” He shakes his head. “We have people looking everywhere and there’s no sign of him anywhere.” Luke say and Calum just nods. I don’t even know what he wanted the answer to be. He’s about to go on but I stop him, “Good luck.” I say with a soft smile. “Thanks. I’ll see you in a few okay? You’ll be okay.” He says before he walks into the ring. I wasn’t sure if he was referring to going into the ring or the crazy man that was currently after me. I just nod in response. 

The fight began and he was right. It was only 5 minutes, if that. He came off. “Well that was easy.” He said to Ashton. “Nonetheless you still did good,” Luke says. Calum was about to say something until he was stopped.

“Gotta say Hood, nice fight. Too bad he was an amateur.” Damon Banks says.

Calum grabs my arms pushed me behind him. “What are you doing here Banks?” He says with a clenched jaw. “Relax. You don’t have to play guard dog right now. I’m just stopping in to make sure your friend relayed the message.” He replied. “Yeah we got it. Leave.” Ashton said. “5 days Hood. You have 5 days.” Damon said and walked off. Calums first instinct was to turn to me, “Are you okay?” “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I ask him. “‘M fine. Stay here with Ashton. I’m gonna go get ready and then I’ll take you home.” I just nod. “Where are you guys going?” “I’m staying at his place tonight.” Olivia says. “But I can’t be alone.” I reply. “Shit that’s right. Calum and I can stay at your place then?” Ash asks Olivia who looks at me. I’d feel safer with them there anyway. “Yeah whatever.” I mutter to them. Calum comes back out and Ashton fills him in about what's happening. He just nods and looks to me, “You ready?” I mutter a quick yes and we go to his car.

We get situated in the car. “Thank you for coming tonight. I know it brings back unwanted memories.” “Cal-” “No I mean it. I'm glad you came.” He said sincerely. “I’m glad I came.” I say. Was I? “You sure?” “I mean yeah. Beats sitting at home alone and paranoid.” I say as he chuckles. “I’m so sorry about everything happening Lydia. I know it’s scary but just know I won’t let him hurt you.” He said as he grabbed my hand. His touch sent me back. I missed this feeling. “I trust you Cal.” I say before realizing the name again. “Cal huh?” He questions and my face goes red. “I- Uh” “It’s okay. I missed hearing you say that.” I laugh and try to hide my face. We soon get to my house and I unlock the door. “If you need to use the bathroom its the-” “Third door on the right. I remember.” “Course you do.” He goes up and gets ready for bed. 

Soon Olivia and Ashton walk in with dinner for us all. “I got you chicken. Your sister said you’d eat it.” Ashton said to me. “Thanks Ash but I’m not really hungry.” I have no appetite. Too much worry and paranoia. I hear footsteps behind me and I jump. “Easy there doll. It’s just me. Have you eaten since this morning?” Calum asks. Did I? No. I didn’t. I barely even ate that. “No I don’t think so.” “Please eat Lyd.” Olivia pleads. “‘M not hungry.” I reply. Calum sits down next to me and grabs my hand, “Why doll?” I wanna smile at the pet name. “I just don’t have an appetite.” “She doesn’t eat when she’s nervous.” Olivia steps in. Calums thumb draws circles around my hand. He looks into my eyes pleadingly. “Please don’t be scared. He won’t hurt you. I won’t let him.” He said, “Now please eat.” He finishes as he passes my food to me. I eat and feel a lot better. Funny how that works out.

We all sit down and eat and forget our problems. We all just talk and hangout. I missed this a lot. Eventually we all decide to go to bed. Ashton and Olivia go up and sleep in Olivia’s room. Calum went in our guest room and I went to my room. I try my hardest to go to sleep but I kept tossing and turning. I start to relax and let sleep take over me.

“.....What’s happening? Why isn’t he moving?” I yell at Ashton.

Calum was in his third round with Damon Banks. He was down and he wasn’t moving. I kept asking what was wrong but no one would answer. 

“Ashton what’s wrong?” I kept asking. 

The paramedic went in the room and tried to take his pulse. There was nothing there. “He’s unresponsive.” The paramedic said. “Well do something!” “I can’t. It’s too late.” He replied. 

“What do you mean it’s too late?” Ashton yells. “He can’t be gone he has a girlfriend and friends and a family, he can’t be gone!” 

The other paramedic says, Calum Hood death time 9:08pm. 

He was gone. My Calum was gone. The world stopped spinning. I couldn’t breathe. He was gone. Dead.

I woke up sobbing. What time is it? I grabbed my phone. 2:18am. Fuck. I can’t breathe. I can’t be alone right now. I can’t do this. I don’t know what to do. What do I do? Do I go get Olivia? She’s with Ashton.

Calum. 

I find myself walking to our guest room and open the door. “Calum?” He stirs awake. “Lydia? What’s wrong?” “This was stupid. Just go back to bed. Goodnight.” I turn to leave. This was stupid. “No no come sit.” “Are you sure?” “Yes Lydia. Come here.” I comply and sit down. “Is everything okay?” He asks tiredly. “No.” I paused. “I just had really fucking scary dream.” I say trying to hide my tears. I think he picked up on it because he pulled me into his chest. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Do I? Should I? “Um well, you had your rematch a-and Damon knocked you down and-” My breath hitches, “And you didn’t get back up.” He understood what I meant and just held me tighter. He kissed the top of my head. “I-I don’t wanna lose you again Cal. I can’t.” “You won’t, love. I promise you won't”. ''I’m sorry for waking you.” I said sincerely. “I’d rather you wake me then have to be alone.” He replied. “Do you wanna stay in here?” He asks. “No no it’s okay I’ve bothered you enough-” “Lydia.” He says sternly. “Okay yes.” We lay down and I get comfy. “Goodnight Lydia.” “Goodnight Cal.” He snakes his arm around my waist and kisses my shoulder. I fucking did it again. 

I fell for Calum.  

                                           **********

I woke up before him. I needed to pee but Calum's arm was still around me. I try to move but Calum groans and pulls me back. “Cal, I have to pee.” He just groans and sets me free. I chuckle at him and get up. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.  I go back to see him scrolling through his phone. “Good morning sunshine.” I say sarcastically. “It was until you got up.” He mutters. I crawl back into bed to face him. “Did you sleep any better?” He asked. If we’re being honest, it was the best sleep I’ve gotten in the past few weeks. “Much better. Thank you for last night.” I thank him and he just says “Of course. Come to me whenever.” I just smile and nod. I hear someone else wake  up, “Welp I guess that’s my cue.” I say as I start to get up before his big hands pulls me back. “No. Just stay here.” “Cal we can’t. If I do recall, you have a big match to train for in 4 days.” “Don’t remind me.” He says as he stuck his head in the crook of my neck. “Come on.” I say as he complies “Ugh fine.” I didn’t even realize he was shirtless. The only thing he had on was a pair of grey sweats that hung low at his waist. I missed seeing him like that. 

I try my best to sneak into my room and go down stairs. Once I go down I see Olivia and Ashton making breakfast. “Good Morning! How’d you sleep?” Ash says to me “Amazing” I reply. “Glad to hear it.” Olivia replies for him. “Lyd can I speak to you for a second?” Olivia says. I nod and we go into the living room. “Ash may not have caught you but I certainly did. Care to explain why you slept in the guest room with Calum?” Fuck. “I couldn’t sleep. I had a scary ass dream and I would always go to him before when it happened. So I don’t know I went to him and he calmed me down and then I kinda just fell asleep.” I say honestly. “Are you two like, a thing again?” She asks. Are we? Well no not officially but we’re more than friends. Right? I mean we did sleep together last night. “No.” I start but she gives me a look. “I don’t know” I say getting flustered. “It’s complicated.” “Do you still love him?” Yes. “Yes of course. I always will but now is not the time. I just got him back Liv. I don’t want to drive him away.” I say back. “Lyd, he looks at you like you’re the last person left on earth. I don’t think there’s a better time.” She says as she walks off. God I don’t want to ruin it again. 

Calum comes down stairs and sits down next to me. “Calum, we have to train all day today. You need to be ready.” Ashton said. He just groans and puts his head on the table. “Yeah yeah I figured.” He replied back tiredly. “How’d you sleep?” Ashton asked. “Can’t complain.” He replied and looked at me briefly. I try my best to hide my red cheeks. He’s gonna be the death of me. “What’s the plan for today?” I asked Olivia. “I have to run a few errands so that means you’re coming along.” She said to me. “Lovely.” We finish breakfast and they go on their merry way. 

                                       *************

Olivia ran all of her errands and we decided to stop in to see Ash and Cal at the end of the day. “What’s up fuckers?” Olivia yells as she walks into the gym. Calum and Ashton turn around. “You’re still going at it? It’s been 8 hours.” She continued. “Liv did you see who he’s fighting?” I chuckle and Ash nods his head in agreement. “We were just finishing up anyway.” Calum says. “I’m gonna go clean up.” He said as he left. “Is he okay?” I ask. “He’s stressed. His body is worn down. He’s bruised. He’s terrified of you getting hurt.” Ash said gesturing to me. “He hates this all.” He finished. I don’t want him to have to worry about me. He needs to focus.

After a little while, Calum walks back out with his stuff. “You ready?” he asks Ashton. Ashton simply nods. Cal walks up to me and just kisses the top of my head. “I’ll see you around.” Olivia and Ashton smile at the gesture. Olivia and I walk to the car and start to head home. 

I’m lost in my thoughts. Why is he being so confusing? I keep thinking before I’m brought out of my thoughts by Liv “Shit Lyd, I need to run to the store and get tampons.” “Okay. I’ll stay in the car. ‘M tired.” I reply. We park and she goes in I keep thinking to myself. Will he make it out okay? Will I make it out okay? I’ve never been more terrified of the unknown and I don’t know what to do. 

After 20 minutes I start to get concerned so I get out to go to the store. I’m walking in before I heard,

“You’d think Hood would know better than to leave his girl alone.” 

Damon Banks. 

No fucking way this is happening right now. “How’d you find me?” 

“I saw you and your sister pull out of the gym. Where is she by the way?” He asks. “What do you want from me?” I ask. He just walks closer to me as I walk back. We go so far back that I bump into the car. He grabs onto my wrists tightly. “Just tryin to send your boyfriend a message.” My wrists hurt. He won’t let go. “You’ve sent one loud and clear. Now please let me go.” I plead but he won’t stop. Tears are brimming my eyes. Where is my fucking sister? “Y-you’re hurting me please.” I try but he just looks coldly into my eyes. “Tell him I’m looking forward to our match. And this time I'll make sure he doesn't walk out alive.” He says as he finally releases. My sister finally walks out and sees him standing over me. “Lydia?” She yells. “Your sisters coming.” He said “A little too late don’t ya think?” He said to her. “Damon.” She says as her face falls to my tear filled one. “I’m just leaving.” He looks back at me “Nice talkin to ya.” 

“Go to hell.” I say through gritted teeth. 

Olivia runs over to me and hugs me. I stand still. “Can we go please?” “Y-yeah of course.” We get in the car. “I’m so sorry Lydia. I didn’t mean to take so long. I couldn’t find them because they rearranged the store and then they weren’t on the shelf-” “It’s fine just drive.” I say. “No it’s not fine Lydia.” She sees me holding one to my wrists. “Did he hurt you?” She says as she grabs my wrist inspecting the bruises. “How hard did he grab you?” she asks concerningly. I just look down. “We have to call the boys.” She says. “No.” “No? Damon just assaulted you and you don't want to tell them?” “No I don’t want them to worry more.” “I’m sorry but I’m calling Calum.” “Liv please-” I try but it’s too late. She puts it on speaker 

“Olivia? What’s up? Is everything okay?” I hear over the phone.

“Well no not really. It’s about Lydia.” 

“What happened?” I hear with concern lacing his voice.

“Damon happened.” she said. “Come over to my house please. Like now.” 

                                            *************

Calum was seeing red. “Where is she?” He yelled as he walked in. Liv points to the living room. He walks in, no. Runs in to see me sitting on the couch crying trying to cover my bruises. The sight has to be heartbreaking. The man who wants him dead hurt the one thing that mattered most to him. He comes over and sits down next to me. He grabs my cheeks with his calloused hands. “I need you to tell me what happened.” He starts. 

“L-liv had to go to the store and I stayed in the car but she was taking too long so I got out and” I hiccuped “and he was waiting by the store and he stopped me. H-he backed me up into the car and gripped onto my wrists. He said he was sending a message. That he’s gonna make sure that-” I hiccup again. “That you’re not gonna come out alive.” My biggest nightmare. He takes it all in and grabs my hands but I yanked them away. It hurt. He grabs them again more gently and inspects the bruises. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” He says to me as he stands up. He has no expression on his face.  “Calum please don’t. I don’t know what he’ll do to you.” I beg. “Are you kidding me Lydia? You could’ve been severely hurt. You think your wrists are bad? If your sister didn’t come out when she did, he could’ve done so much worse.” He yells. “Please don’t yell at me.” I plead. “I’m sorry but look at you right now. If he would’ve hurt you more I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’m supposed to protect you. I promised I’d keep you safe. And here we are.” With that my sister walks in, “Calum.” She says, “And you. You weren’t there. Your sister has big fucking bruises from this man that wants me dead and you weren’t there.” He yells. “Mate please.” Ash says. “Don’t do that mate bullshit right now. How are you not mad?” He yells again. “I’m furious Cal. But I don’t want you to go do something stupid.” Ash says to him. “I can’t believe you right now.” Calum says as he stalks toward the door. “Where are you going?” Ashton asks. “Out.” “Calum please.” I beg. He just looks at me and walks out. “I don’t want him to get hurt.” I cry. “He’ll be fine. He just needs some air. He’s gonna beat himself up over this.” Ashton said to me trying to make me feel  better. Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? 

After a while Ashton and Olivia went up to her room. I can’t sleep knowing that Cal is out there. I wait in the living room praying that he walks in. 

I’m sitting watching TV when suddenly the door swings open. Calum stands there with tears in his eyes and a bruised face and bloody hands. “Calum? What happened?” I say running to him. I go to grab his face to inspect it but he looks away. “Calum.” I say and he complies. He looks at me and I see the pain. I see the hurt flash in his eyes. With that, I hug him. I hugged him so tightly, afraid he was gonna slip away at any minute. I released after a little but and just ask 

“W-what happened?”

 “Well I found Damon. Roughed him up a little bit. He pulled out a knife but I knocked it out of his hands before he could do anything with it.” He said refusing to look at me. I grabbed his hands and see how bloody they are. “That’s what happens when I fight with rings on.” He says as I nod. “Are you okay?” He asks me. “Are you?” I ask back. “I will be when this stupid match is over.” He replies. “Come on. I’m cleaning you up.” I say to him and drag him to my bathroom. “Lyd you don’t have to-” “Yes I do. Now come on.” I say grabbing his bloody hand. 

I pat the countertop and tell him to sit. “Been a minute since I’ve done this.” I say as he chuckled. I get the cotton pads and disinfectant and bring it out. I start by taking off his rings. I can feel his eyes burning into me as I’m cleaning his hands. I then move on to his face and clean off the dried blood. He watches my every move and suddenly I get self-conscious. I feel like we haven’t been this close in a while. Once I’m finished with that I just look at him. “Are there any more hidden marks?” I ask as he lifts his shirt to reveal a huge gash on his side. I gasp, “Calum I thought you said he didn’t get you with the knife.” “He didn’t. Those were from his rings.” He holds his shirt up so I can clean it, “C-can you take this off? It’s easier.” I ask as he just obeys and flings it over his head.  I clean it up and start to put the stuff away. He stands up and as I turn around I find him right there. “I’m so fucking sorry Lydia. I promised you this wouldn't happen.” “Please don’t blame yourself.” I beg. “This was not your fault.” I say as I finish picking up my stuff. “W-will you sleep with me tonight?” I ask him. “Of course.” he says no questions asked. 

I start to walk out of the bathroom before his hand grabs my arm and he pulls me into him. Our noses are touching and he just looks into my eyes. The next thing I knew his lips were on mine. This kiss was filled with love and passion. It was a feeling we were both longing for. It felt like in this moment, time stopped. 

“I should’ve done that a lot sooner.” Calum says out of breath but he’s still holding on to me. 

“I’m never letting you go again. Not now. Not ever.” He said. 

With that I stand on the tip of my toes and kiss him again. “I’ve missed this so much.” I say. “You have no clue darling.” He replied.

After all of tonight's events, this is when I felt most whole. I loved Calum. With everything in me. I always will. We went to bed and he held me as I fell asleep. I rolled over to face him. He kissed my forehead and I placed my head under his chin. As I’m falling asleep I hear a faint whisper. I barely even caught it, 

“I love you so fucking much.” 

                                                  **********

I wake up right where I want to be. 

With Calum. 

Our legs are entangled together and his strong arms hold me tightly against his chest. This is bliss. I thought I'd never find this feeling ever again. My eyes slowly shutter open to see he’s still sleeping. I kiss the tip of his nose and he just smiles. “Good Morning love.” His raspy morning voice whispers. “Good Morning.” I smile back. “How are you feeling?” I ask him. “Sore but I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me.” He says with worried eyes. “How are you feeling?” He asks, “Honestly terrified to leave my own house. My wrists are sore and those bruises aren’t going anywhere anytime soon but other than that I’m fantastic.” I mutter. He lets out a soft chuckle. “What time is it?” he asks. I roll over and check. “It’s 9:09” “I have to get up soon. Another full day of training.” “Cal, you’re hurt. I don’t want you to wear yourself down before the big day bub.” He smiles at the name, “I know doll but I need to be ready.” He says. “I’m not saying not train at all,  but maybe not the entire day?” I suggest. I know how he used to get when he trained all day and all night. He’d come home stressed and worn down. He has a big fight he needs to be alert for and training on top of all his injuries is going to make it worse. “If you want, I can talk to Ash.” I say. “I got it love. I should probably apologize to him anyway.” He said. “Last night, I was an asshole-” “You were worried. There’s a difference.” He nods and kisses the top of my head. I loved when he did that stuff. A little but sweet gesture. 

Eventually we roll out of bed and motivate. I’m greeted by Olvia and Ashton in the kitchen. Calum is still in the bathroom upstairs. “Did he come here last night?” Ash asks, concern lacing his voice. “Yes he’s upstairs and I’m gonna tell you something and you have to promise me you won’t lash out at him.” “Lydia-” “Promise me Ashton. Please.” I almost beg. He relents and nods. “So he came back around 2am with bruises and blood everywhere. He found Damon and ‘roughed him up a bit’. Apparently Damon pulled out a knife but Cal got rid of it before anything happened. I took care of him and cleaned him up. He had blood all over his hands. Not even 100% sure if it was his. Bruises and cuts on his face and a big gash on his side. I cleaned it. He’s better now but he’s sore. He feels awful. Please don’t freak out on him. It’ll only make it worse.” I finish my speech and he just stands there silently. “Thank you for taking care of him last night.” Is the first thing he says. “Of course. Anytime.” I say sincerely. “Can I ask you something?” He asks me. “Yeah of course.” “Are you two like, back together?” I think about it. “We kissed. That’s it. I don’t know what he’s feeling but whatever he wants to do. I left him so I understand if he doesn’t want to get back together. If he does, that’s great too and I’ll say yes. It’s up to him.” I say. “I asked because he never stops talking about you. I think he wants to get back together but I don’t know if he’ll come out and say it.” I nod and then Calum comes down stairs. He refuses to look anyone in the eye. He slowly walks over next to me at the table and sits. I grab his hand and rub it reassuringly. “I’m so sorry Ash.” Calum weaps as I glare at Ashton. “Hey hey it’s okay. You were worried. I’m not mad.” “Y-you’re not?” Calum says finally looking up. “No bud. It happens. He threatened your girl so you were upset. If that happened to Liv, i’d go apeshit.” Ashton said. 

Your girl. 

His girl. 

Calum looks at me with sympathy in his eyes and grips my hand. “Thank you.” He says to Ashton. Ash just nods. “When are we training today?” Calums frail voice asks. “I have a lot to do today so we’re probably only training a couple hours.” Calums eyes lit up with that one. “Okay” he mutters quickly. I can tell he’s embarrassed over everything that happened in the last 24 hours. “C-can Lydia come?” He asks shyly. “I want to be with her in case Damon tries something again.” He finishes. Ash looks at me for approval and I just nod my head. “Sure Cal.” “Is that okay with you?” Calum asks me. “Yeah bub of course.” I say and nod my head. He smiles back at me. 

After a little while we all get ready to go to the gym. We file into the car and I sit in the back with Calum. He grabs my hand and rubs circles on it with his thumb. The little gestures like that make my heart melt. The car ride is pretty silent. We pull in to the gym and walk in. “Hey I’m gonna go get ready. You can sit over there and watch if you’d like.” He said. “I get to watch you train? Today must be my lucky day.” I say sarcastically. “Oh hush.” He says and starts to walk off. I turn around but suddenly I’m whipped back around and before I know it, his lips are on mine. I feel myself smile into the kiss. “Okay I’m gonna go now.” He says before giving me another quick kiss.

He’s done it again. I’ve fallen in love with him all over again.

He trains and I watch. I love watching him lose himself in the ring. It’s just scary because I don’t want him to get hurt. I know that in a few days, someone is going to walk out of that ring extremely hurt and I just pray it’s not him. 

He finishes up and walks over to me. “Hey love.” He says leaning in for a hug and I stop him, “I will give you the biggest hug after you wipe all of the sweat off of you.” I say chuckling. He laughs and hugs me anyway. “What did I say?” I question, “Oh hush.” I relent and wrap my arms around him. God I missed this. “I’m gonna go clean up and then we can hit the road.” He says as he kisses my cheeks and walks off to the locker room. Olivia walks over to me. “Not together my ass.” “He hasn’t said anything about it. Should I bring it up?” “Well Ashton is taking me out tonight so you two have the house to yourselves.” She says. “I mean that is if he stays with you but I think we both know he will.” She finishes. I think about it for a second. Should I ask him or is it too early?

Soon he comes out and asks if I’m ready. “Hey will you stay over with me for a while? Ash is taking out Liv and I don’t want to be alone.” I ask. “I already planned on it love.” I smile at him endearingly. He drives to my house and the car is just filled with small talk. No awkwardness. No tension. 

We arrive at my house and drop our stuff in the living. “I don’t know about you but I’m starving.” I say to him. “I could eat.” He chuckles. We go into the kitchen and I open the pantry. “All I have to make is pasta. I hope that’s okay.” I say to him. “That’s perfect doll. I’m gonna go freshen up. I’ll be right back.” He says as he marches upstairs and I start to make the food. 

After a little while, I realize he’s taking a bit. “Cal?” I call for him but no response.That’s odd. I thought he was just freshening up. I walk up stairs and go to the bathroom. “Cal? Are you okay?” I ask as I knock. “Y-yeah I’m fine.” He stutters. “Can I come in?” I ask carefully. I hear the door unlock and I take that as the okay to walk in. I walk in to see his tear stained face. “Cal. Baby what’s wrong?” I ask grabbing his cheeks. “I-I’m terrified Lydia. I so scared he’s gonna hurt you or I’m not gonna come out of that ring.” He says through tears. “Hey hey look at me.” I say. “I’m gonna be okay-” “I couldn’t even protect you from him the other day.” “How were you supposed to know that would happen? You can’t. I didn’t expect it. As far as you, you’re gonna go in that ring and you’re gonna knock his ass down and show him not to mess with Calum Hood. You have so many people in your corner Cal. You have Luke, Mike, Liv, Ash. You have me. I’ll be there every step of the way if you let me.” I finish as I lead him to my room to sit on my bed. I grab a tissue and wipe his face. 

God I regret leaving him. It was truly the worst decision I have ever made. I’ll never stop loving him. I never have and I never will. “What’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours?” he asks finally calming down. 

“How the worst choice I ever made, in my entire life, was leaving you.” 

“Lyd-” 

“No let me finish. I will kick myself for leaving you for the rest of my life. You were the best thing I had going for me. I went to college, hoping to escape but I was miserable without you. I didn’t come back to win you back. I didn’t even want to go to the match that night because it wasn’t fair to you. If I had just fucking sucked it up and watched you box and supported you with it, I wouldn’t have lost you.” I pause. “I’m so fucking stupid for letting you go and I will never forgive myself for it.” 

Silence fills the room. 

“Okay now you’re gonna let me speak. You left because you thought you were doing the right thing and I can’t blame you for that. I know it was hard for you to watch me get my ass beat by men twice my size every night. I know that I wasn’t the only one in pain when you sat me down on the counter to fix my wounds twice a week. You leaving, felt worse than any other punch I would receive, but I was never resentful. When you came back, I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing out bad thing. Now I know, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.”

I look up with tears threatening to spill from my eyes. 

“What you did fucked me up. It took a minute to heal but it gave me the motivation to become stronger. I’m able to beat people like Damon. This fight on Friday, is going to be the hardest fight I’ve ever faced. Not just because of who I’m fighting. It’s who I’m fighting for.” he paused. “I’m finally learning to fight for what I love.” 

Love. There's that word again. 

“I love you so much Lydia. I never stopped.”  

He loves me. Calum loves me. 

I had no words. The only thing that came to mind for me was to grab his face and kiss him. This kiss was different than the last. This one was full of love and passion. “I love you so much Calum. I always will.” I say and then reconnect our lips. “I’m never letting you go ever again. Never fucking again.” Calum said through kisses. We break away and just look at each other, I take in his beauty. 

“I love you but I need to make sure the house isn't on fire from the pasta.” I mutter. “Oh shit I forgot about the pasta.” He chuckles. We get off my bed and run down stairs and see the house is still standing and the pasta isn’t burnt. As I was stirring, I felt Calums strong arms wrap around my waist. This is the shit I live for. He nuzzles his face in the crook of my neck and I just giggle. He’s the only person that can give me butterflies. He releases and presses a quick kiss to my cheek. I finish the pasta and get it ready for him. We sit down and eat and he fills me in of all I’ve missed while I was gone. I ask about his family. They don’t really speak to him because they don’t agree with the boxing. Their loss. 

Eventually, Olivia and Ashton come home to see us cuddling on the couch. “How was your date?” I ask nonchalantly. “It was good… What did I miss here?” Ashton asks looking at us questioningly. “Well, we made pasta.” I say and then turn to Calum. “That’s all you did?” Liv asks heading for the stairs. “I mean, we also confessed our love for each other.” Calum adds like it’s nothing and then kisses the top of my head. “Huh figured.” Ashton says. “Cal do you want to stay here or go back to the apartment?” Ashton asks. Calum just looks at me and I nod to him. He knows what I’m implying. “I don’t want to leave her.” He says. “Liv looks like we’re staying here.” He yells to live. “Okay babe.” She yells back. 

Tonight a new love was formed out of an old one. Calum and I never stopped loving each other and we probably never will. He was my first real love. Sure, there have been others but they weren’t him. He makes me feel like I’m the only girl alive. He makes me feel things I thought I’d never feel. He makes me feel like I belong. After a little while, we headed back up to my room and get comfy in bed.

“Hey Lydia?” “Yeah babe?” 

“Whatever happens at this fight on friday, just know how much I love you. It’s gonna get ugly but I just need you to know you are my entire world. Okay? I love you Lydia. More than anything. I just got you back and I don’t plan on losing you anytime soon.” He says to me. With that I kiss him passionately. “Calum I love you so much.” We hold each other like we’re too afraid to let go all night.

                                             **********

It was Wednesday. The fight is on Friday. Two days. I was starting to get nervous for him. I roll over to see he wasn’t there. Where is he? I check my phone and it’s 8:00am. After a little bit he comes in. “Good morning love! Did I wake you?” “No bub I just woke up.” He nods and crawls back into bed with me. “Why is that I sleep so much better with you by my side? No tossing and turning. No nightmares.” He chuckles. “I guess you’re just what I needed.” I mumble. He kisses the tip of my nose and cradles my body against him. “I take it you’re training all day.” I said to him. “Yup. Ash already texted me and told me we had catching up to do. I can come back over when it’s done.” “mmmm sounds good.” I mumble to him. “How are you feeling about Friday?” I asked hesitantly. “Honestly terrified. I just want it over with.” He says to me. I’ve never seen him so worked up about a fight.  “Soon enough babe.”I just want it to be over with for him. We spent another half hour just cuddling and talking about various topics. 

Eventually that was all over and he had to go training. I stayed at the apartment and cleaned up. After a while my phone started buzzing like crazy. Liv was calling.

“Hello?” 

“Lydia I have a problem.” 

“What kind of problem?” I ask wearily.

“I think I’m pregnant.”

The wind was knocked out of my lungs. 

“O-okay. Come to the apartment.” I say as she mutters a quick goodbye.

Soon she bursts through the door with a tear stained face. 

“Lydia what do I do? I’ve missed my period. I’m nauseous all the time.” She says through tears. “Hey hey calm down first and foremost. Have you taken a test?” she shakes her head. “Okay let's start there. Let’s go get-” I start to say as she pulls three out of her bag. “I didn’t want to do it alone.” She mutters. “Go take them and come back out.” She goes to take them as I finish up cleaning. 

She marches back out and sits on the couch. “Now we wait.” She says worriedly. “Listen. You were meant to be a mom. If they are positive, you have me and you’ll have Ash.” “I can’t do this to him. We’re young. His job is too dangerous for a kid-” “And he will figure it out. If I know one thing, he loves you more than life. He won’t run from you.” I reassure her. 

Enough time passes and we decide it’s time. “Do you want me to look?” I ask and she nods. I walk into the bathroom and prepare myself. 

Test 1: Positive

Okay thats just one. 

Test 2: Positive.  

Oh no.

Test 3: Positive. 

I was silent. Fuck. She’s gonna be a mom. I’m gonna be an aunt. Holy shit. 

“Well?” She asks. 

“Positive. All positive.” I say.

Her face fell. “What am I gonna do?” She asks. “You’re gonna do this the right way. Call him right now and tell him you need to talk and it’s important and have him and Cal come over after training.” She nods and calls him in the other room.

I’m excited and scared for her. She’s right. His job is dangerous. This weeks events are only a fraction of what can be involved. 

“He said okay. He sounds worried.” Liv says. 

My phone buzzed. 

Calum

Is everything okay?

“He must be because Cal just texted me.” 

Lydia

For me? Yes. For liv? Not so much. You’ll see when you come over. 

Liv and I spent the next hour talking about how she should break the news. The door swung open to reveal Ashtons worried face. Liv stands up. 

“We need to talk.” She starts with. 

“Are you breaking up with me?” He asks. 

“No baby of course not.” She reassured. During this, Calum came over to greet me with a kiss. “What’s happening?” He asks. “Watch.” 

“Then what’s the matter?” Ashton asks as he grabs her hand to sit down. Calum sits on the recliner and motions for me to sit on his lap. I oblige and he holds me tightly. 

“Before I say anything just know I love you okay?” 

“You’re scaring me liv-”

“I’m pregnant.” She rips off the bandaid. Ashton and Calum's jaw dropped open. 

“H-how is that possible?” He asks. “We’re always careful.” He says. I try to find an expression but the only thing I see is fear. 

“Accidents happen Ash.” I step in. “How long have you known?” He asks. “I missed my period two days ago. I took the tests an hour ago.” She said calmly. 

“Thank you for telling me right away.” He starts. “We’ll figure this out love. I’m not leaving you if that’s why you’re worried.” He says. Both me and Liv let out a breath as he said that. 

“I’ll be with you every step of the way.” He finishes with as he hugs and kisses her.

“I see why that was so urgent.” Calum mutters. “You think?” I chuckle. 

As I stand I say, “I don’t know about you but I’m hungry and she’s feeding two so what are y’all in the mood for?” 

“I could go for chinese.” Liv suggests. “Sounds good. Cal do you want to come with me to get it?” I ask. “Sure babe. Let me grab my stuff.” I wait for him and we walk to the car.

“How was training?” I ask him. “Long and rough. I’m sore but I’m getting more prepared.” He says. “I think I can really beat him Lydia.” “I know you can. You did once, you can do it again. I believe in you.”  The drive there was filled with small talk. We got to the restaurant and Cal ran in to pick it up. He came back out and started to drive back,

“Hey I was thinking about something.” He starts and I look at him. “I think that after this fight I’m gonna slow down a bit.” I ponder. “Please don’t do it because of me.” I say to him. “I mean it’s not completely about you. I’m sick of hurting everywhere and dedicating every second of my life to training. I’m tired of putting the people I love in danger.” He pauses, “And now that Liv is expecting, I think I should settle down.” He wasn’t wrong but It feels odd.

 “But Calum think of how you feel when you win a match. Think of how you feel knowing you won again. Knowing that bets people placed were wrong.”

“I thought you hated that I fought. Why are you trying to convince me to keep doing it?” He asks. “Because I know you. I know you’ll be upset if you stop.” “Yeah I will but I’ll get over it.” “That’s not the point Cal.” 

“Then what is?” He yells. 

“Why are you so mad?” I ask. 

“I thought you’d want me to quit. I mean that’s all you wanted right?” He asks testing me. 

“Where the fuck is this coming from?” I ask angrily. 

“Do you even love me?” He asks. 

“What- Of course I do.”

“Are you sure about that Lydia? Or do you plan on running again?” He says and I went silent. 

He really pulled that card. 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now Calum?” His jaw clenches. “What? It happened before. Who’s to say it won’t happen again?” He spat at me.

We finally pulled in the driveway. “You know you’re a real fucking dick. Maybe I’m regretting getting back together. Clearly your intentions are all over the place.” I say as I march into the house without even listening to his response. “I’m gonna eat in my room.” I told Liv and Ash. As I take my food and go to my room. 

I thought it would be different. That we could have a clean slate. I guess I was wrong. I ate my food, cried, and went to sleep for the night. 

                                               ************

Of course it was back to the nightmares. I decided to clear my head so I went down to the kitchen to get water. I walk downstairs to see Calum on the couch. He’s awake. I try my best to ignore him. 

“Can we talk?” He asks. “Uhh nah. I’m apparently too busy running.” I spat back without looking him in the eye. “I’m being serious.” He says. “So am I.” 

It was silent for a minute. “Nightmares?” He asks and I just nod. “Thought you would’ve left.” I say to him. “Ashton and Liv went back to his place to talk about options. I’d never leave you alone.” He said. I rolled my eyes and got some water. He just stares at me. “What Cal? Don’t you think you’ve dug at me enough tonight?” I say to him refusing to look him in the eye. What he said hurt. Bad. “I’m not trying to argue with you Lydia.” He started, “I’m just scared.” 

“I’m not gonna leave you again Cal. I thought I made that clear.” I said, my face softening. “I know.” He said quickly. “I’m just insecure and clingy. I need constant reassurance and I-” I stop him. “Calum look at me.” He does and I grab the sides of his face. “The biggest mistake I ever made was leaving you. If you talked to my sister you know what shape I was in. I love you. More than life.” “I’m sorry I was a dick.” He says. I chuckle. “It’s okay.” And with that he kissed me. “I love you.” He says in between kisses. The kisses get deeper each time. He’s making a mess of my hair with his rough hands. He backs me up into the counter and I jump to sit on it. He pulls away for a second and smiles. “I love you.” He whispers before kissing me again. 

He grabs the bottom of my legs and carries me up to my room, refusing to break the kiss. Next thing I know he sets me on the bed and he’s over me. “We don’t have to go farther if you don’t want to.” He broke the kiss with. I kissed him back in response. “I want this.” I kissed him again. “I want you.” I said as he smiled back in response. “God I’ve missed you.” He said as he threw his shirt off. I took that moment to discard of my shirt. “I love you Calum.” I said as he kissed me. “I love you more.” 

And that night we proved just how much we loved each other. We’ve had sex before yes but never like that. This time, it was filled with passion and love. I missed him. I’m never letting someone like him slip through my fingers again.

                                              *************

One day until the dreaded fight. I woke up with a pit in my stomach. Cal was gonna be training all day. I woke up before him and just watched him sleep intently. I know this was hard on him. He would never show it but I know he’s so stressed. This fight could be what ends his career. I’m brought out of my thoughts by his raspy voice. “Are you staring?” He says. “I’m gazing.” I reply. “You’re pretty.” I finish. “Says you.” He replies with a blush. “Good morning love.” He says as he kissed me. “How’d you sleep?” I ask. “Decently actually. How about you?” “Better. No nightmares.” “Are they always the same?” He asks curiously. “Lately yes but usually they vary.” I answer honestly. Ever since I went to college, I had nightmares almost every night. My sleep schedule was fucked because of it. I wouldn’t sleep for more than 3 hours a night. When I came home, it got better but they never went away until I started sleeping next to Calum again.

“How are you feeling?” I ask and I think he knows what I’m implying. He just shrugs, “ I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to fight a man who wants me dead.” he starts, “But I’m as ready as I can be. I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in, I’ve got the best support system and I’m prepared. Ashton has been trying to teach me tricks and I’ve done practice fights with Luke and Mike.” He said. I nod to him.

“Do you want me there tomorrow?” I ask only because it’s appropriate. Yes I’m his girlfriend and I want to support him but the fight is going to be brutal. “I’ve been thinking about that too.” He said honestly. “It’s up to you. I’d love to see you there but if you’re not comfortable being there, ‘M not gonna force you.” He replied. I thought about it for a second. How can I not be there? This is the biggest fight of his career. “I’ll be there.” I said. “Are you sure? I don’t want to-” He starts but I cut him off with my finger. “I’ll be there.” I said into his eyes. “Okay.” He replies. We lay and cuddle for a little while until it was interrupted by his phone ringing. “It’s Ash.” He says confused. “What time is it?” I ponder. “Only 9. I don’t have to be to the gym until 11.” He says back.

“Yo what’s up?” He asks.

“Cal we’ve got an issue.” Ash says and my ear perks up. Cal sits and just said “Why what’s wrong?”

“Damon just stormed into the gym and spoke to Luke. He’s moving the fight.”

“What? To when?”

“Tonight.”

My eyes widen as Calum just stays silent. “I’ll be to the gym in a few.” and with that he hung up the phone. I didn’t know what to do or say. He gets up and I let him. He walks to the door and turns around for a second, “I’m taking this fucker down tonight.” and walks out.

******

This day went by faster than I’d like to admit. Calum went to the gym to get ready. Liv came home and got ready. Before we knew it, Liv was driving us to the underground arena. I felt sick. I was silent. She could tell how nervous I was. “Hey.” She brought me out of my thoughts with. “He’ll be okay. He’s strong.” She said to me and I just nodded.

We arrived to the arena and went in. The air was thick. The tension was thick. Liv brought us to the back was the boys were. “Where’s Cal?” I ask them and he just point to the corner where I see him throwing punches to the punching bag. I excuse myself and walk over there. “Hey” I say to him. He sees me and offers me a smile. I go over to him and hug him. It’s the only thing that felt right. In that moment time stopped. Soon we pull away and he holds my cheeks with his wrapped hands. “Look at me love.” He starts. “Whatever happens in that ring, just know that I love you. It’s not gonna be pretty. I’m probably gonna walk out with something broken but I refuse to let him leave standing. After what he did to you, he’s not coming out on top.” I just nod at him. “I love you Calum.” I whisper to him as tears threaten to spill from my eyes. This is all too familiar. This fear in my stomach, felt known. With that, he gives me the biggest kiss and engulfs me in his arms. “Hey Cal?” Mike interrupts. “It’s time.” He says. He pulls away, “I love you Lydia. More than anything. I’ll come back to you.” He started, “I promise.” I nod and let him walk off. I’m holding him to that.

He will come back to me.

The announcer starts his speech and introduces the fighters. I stand over by Liv and Ashton. I hear the bell and it signified the start of the fight. Right now, they’re walking in circles but Damon is taunting him. I can hear him.

“......Gotta say Hood, your taste in women is impeccable.” Damon says.

Is he bringing me up in this fight?

“I wonder how she’d look with her lips around my-”

And that’s when Calum threw the first punch, knocking Damon down in an instant. Calum crouches down to his level and whispers something I can barely make out, “That’s the last time you speak about my girl ever again if you want to make it out of here alive.” Damon just snickers and tries to stand up. Calum holds his elbow to his throat and holds him down. The ref counts and Calum won the first round. Two more to go.

“You think you can get away with that Hood?” Damon says lunging toward Calum grabbing him and spinning him around in a choke hold. I wince as his face goes red. Liv notices and grabs onto my hand. Calum brought his foot up and kicked him in dick, setting him out of Damons grasp. It isn’t long before Damon lurches as him again punching him down. Calums down, clutching his head in pain. “Try me.” Damon says as they announce Damon won that round.

Calum gets up and I can tell he’s dizzy. He keeps stumbling around the ring. Damon lunges at him and flips Calum to the ground, “God I love seeing you lose.” Damon says in Calums face and then something flipped in Calums head. He quickly got up and switched positions, so now Damon was on the ground. “I don’t lose.” Calum said through bloody teeth. Calum punched him like his life depended on it. With that, Damon stayed down. Blood was everywhere. Damons, Calums. “Certainly not after you go after my fucking family. Remember me in hell.” Calum says after he sent Damon one last punch, knocking him unconscious.

The ref announced Calum as the winner.

Calum won against Damon Banks. He won. He’s alive. They escort him out of the ring and the first thing he does is run over to me and engulfs me in the biggest hug. I don’t care how sweaty he is. In this moment the only thing that mattered was that he was okay. “I knew you could do it.” I said as I grabbed his face. We release as he smiles. Ashton comes over and greets him with a towel and a hug. “That’s what I’m talking about man!” Ashton says, happiness clear on his face. Luke and Mike come over and hug him and say how proud they are. Calum walks over to the bench but stumbles. “Are you okay Cal?” Ashton asks. Calum just shakes his head and holds his head in his hands. “Hey hey what’s wrong?” I ask and sit next to him. “M-my head.” He says quickly. “Get him to the hospital.” I say to Ashton and he hesitates. “Ashton he said it’s his head. Something could be seriously wrong.” I say through gritted teeth. Calum keeps groaning in pain. “Lydia you don’t understand. We could all get in trouble-” “Do you fucking hear yourself right now? Calum is hurt.” I yell frustrated. Calum could be seriously hurt and he doesn’t seem to care. “This has happened before. He’ll be fine-” It wasn’t until Calums head fell into my lap that Ashton realized it’s serious.

“Calum?” I say gripping his head. His eyes are closing. “Calum no stay with me!” I yell as his eyes flutter close. Ashton rushes to him. “Calum bud. Come on.” Nothing. No response. “Get him to the hospital now!” I yell. Ashton picks him up and rushes him to the car. I’m behind him but I stop as I see Damon outside the door. “Bring him to the hospital. I’ll grab his stuff and meet you there with Liv.” I shakily say to Ash. He just nods and obeys. I kiss Calums head and whisper, “You are not done yet.”

“Like I said.” I hear a voice say behind me, “I don’t lose.” Damon says.

“Your broken nose and concussion says otherwise.” I spat back as I go to retrieve Calums belongings. “Really? I’m not the one being rushed to the hospital.” “You know what Damon?” I start, “You come here, throw a temper tantrum because you lost the first time, lose a second time and still claim you’re a winner.” I pause and step closer. “But I don’t see a single soul here cheering you on. You tried to beat Calum by talking about me in the ring. Me, his girlfriend, who is there cheering him on. Along with his best friends. Who do you have, huh?” I pause and he just stares at me. “Yeah what I thought. You lost not once, but twice, to Calum. So who’s the real winner?” I spat and walk away. “You shouldn’t have said that.” He yells. “You’re not gonna do shit.” I say to him, calling his bluff. “How are you so confident that I won’t?” He asks. “Because you know there are people that would care if I lived or died. The difference is I or anyone for that matter, could kill you right now, and no one would care. If you call that winning, then congratulations. You fucking won Damon Banks.” I say as I go inside, get Calums stuff and get my sister. We walk out to see Damon gone and we drive to the hospital.

We arrive as I run in. I see Ashton in the waiting room with his head in his lap. “Anything?” He shakes his head as a nurse comes walking in. “Family of Calum Hood?” She calls out. “Yes that’s us.” “Are you immediate family?” She asks. “We’re all he has.” Ashton says. She just nods and tells us what happened. “Calum has something called Craniocerebral Trauma. It’s a very serious head injury that’s a result from a big blow to the head. Do you know what happened?”

Ashton looks to me for the answer. “He was jumped.” I answer quickly. Ash just nods agreeing with me. I technically wasn’t wrong. The nurse hums in response, “They must’ve really went for his head.” I just nod and look for the ground. “W-will he be okay?” I ask. “He’s stable right now. When he wakes up, there's a list of pills he needs to take. As long as he does, he’ll be just fine. It’s in his hands now.” He’s gonna be okay. “Can we see him?” Ashton asks. “Two at a time.” The nurse says. I gesture to Luke and Michael who just arrived. “You guys wanna go see Cal?” I ask and they nod and follow the nurse. As they walk away, Ashton just hugs me as I cry into his shoulder. “He’s gonna be okay Lyd. It’s okay.” He whispers to me. I stay in his embrace for a minute. I release and sit down. I can’t stop jittering and shaking.

Luke and Michael walked out and Ashton and Liv went in. Luke and Mike came and sat with me. “He looks a lot better than he did at the arena.” Luke expresses. “The doctor said he should wake up at any time now.” Mike said. “Yeah well I’m not leaving until he does.” I mutter. After another hour it’s my turn. I decide to go in alone.

I walk in to see his sleeping body laying on the bed. He’s hooked up to so many wires and chords. I sat down in the chair next to the bed and just stare at him. He looks peaceful. After the week he’s had, he needs this rest. “I never thought I’d be in this situation with you.” I chuckle. “I’ve cleaned up your wounds but I’ve never sat with you in the hospital. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.” I say as I pause and grab his hand. “You know, you’ll be proud of me. I bascially told Damon to fuck off.” I laugh. “God I wish you were awake. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. When I left, you were just figuring yourself out. I come back and you’re this man. I know I never should have left. Times like these really but things into perspective.” I finish my speech as a single tear rolls down my cheek. “I love you Calum. I never stopped. I never will.” I say. I start to doze off. It’s been a long day. I don’t even feel myself fall asleep.

I feel something against my hand move. I open my eyes and see my hand is still holding Cals. I see his thumb start to move against my hand. “C-cal?” I say rising out of a sound sleep.

“Couldn’t get rid of me that easily love.” He says with his raspy voice. I smile as tears come from my eyes. I stand up and kiss him like I never have before. “I love you Lydia.” He mumbles.

I call the nurse in to check his vitals and alert the boys he’s awake. They all come in and he holds my hand the entire time. It’s almost like he’s afraid to let go. He asks multiple questions. “Did he look worse?” He asked about Damon. Ash just chuckled and said “Much.”

********

Eventually, he was released to go home although he just came to my apartment. I get him all situated in bed and he stops me from leaving, “hey lyd?” “Yeah babe?” “I was thinking, d-do you want to move in together?” He asks scardly. I don’t even hesitate, “Yes of course.” His eyes lit up. “Wait really?” he questions. “Of course Calum.” I respond chuckling.

The rest of that night we spent looking for apartments in the area. After hours of searching we found this two bedroom apartment downtown. We fell in love with it. The next day we decided to visit it and that’s when we signed the papers. We bought our first apartment together.

********

Time Jump: One year

Calum decided to quit fighting and focus on training, which not surprisingly, he was better at. He now spends his days training young fighters like he was and take them under his wing.

We still live in that apartment together. We decided to get a dog. Well Calum decided to get a dog. I got a text from him one day saying there was a surprise at home. I wasn’t expecting to walk into my living room to see a dog on my couch. He’s a little husky, corgi rescue named Duke. Nonetheless, I still love him.

Liv gave birth to a healthy little girl named Luna. She’s the sweetest little child. Ashton no longer works at the gym. He decided to quit his job to ensure his family’s safety. He made the right decision.

As far as Calum and I, we’re great. I love him more than anything. We see a future with each other. That stupid descion I made a few years ago will haunt me for the rest of my life but in the end, it brought us closer.

Calum was my first real love. I’m lucky enough to see him as my last love too.

[mad-madam-m]

So I haven’t seen tiger and bunny and good omens is one of the upcoming books on my tbr list so I haven’t seen the show.. I have both of those things filtered so that I can watch enjoy them at some point without too many spoilers but that means a lot of what you post is blocked for me 😭 but I love your taste and all you post so much I just have to hurry up and catch up 🏃🏽‍♀️ so I can actually have posts on my dash again 😅

ahahaha OH MAN I’m really sorry; that’s like all that’s in my queue right now. And in my saved drafts folder. And on my dash. I was going to say I have a problem, but seriously, I think every person I follow turned into a GO blog at some point last month because holy shit.

I do understand wanting to read the book first, but honestly, I would say you can probably go ahead and watch the Good Omens series if you really want to. I read the book about 10 years ago, hadn’t read it since, watched the show three times last month and then reread the book like two days later and still got the same level of enjoyment out of it. There are bits that are in the series that aren’t in the book and vice versa, so it really just depends on what you’d rather not be spoiled for, I guess?

Also ON THE PLUS SIDE, neither Good Omens nor Tiger & Bunny are particularly lengthy shows to get into; one is six 1-hour episodes and the other is 25 half-hour episodes + one 2-hour movie. One good week of binge-watching would get you through both, although you’ll almost certainly want to build in a buffer for the inevitable emotional breakdown. (Don’t stay up until 1am finishing these series, friends; I speak from experience because I did that on both series and it took me until 2am to calm down enough to sleep both times. Morning M was a very tired camper, even if she still shouted “I REGRET NOTHING”.)

ANYWAY. I look forward to hearing what you think about both of them! I hope you get a chance to watch (and read) soon! :-D

[onewhoturns]

So. Story time.

I never really think of myself has having ptsd cause I’ve never been diagnosed with it, like I have with depression and ADHD (and there was some speculation about bipolar ii, but apparently depression/ADHD combined can also look a lot like hypomania and the depressive episodes of bipolar ii? idk? I do know that I had a minor breakdown when my then-psychiatrist mentioned it cause it was a big change to spring on someone at 23). I don’t get a lot of the symptoms typically associated with ptsd, I can’t understand them because I haven’t experienced them, and I don’t want to claim the diagnosis when I feel like my experiences are so much tamer than what so many people have gone through. Like, yes, I was assaulted, but it wasn’t rape. Yes, I kind of tried to kill myself, but it wasn’t a serious attempt (the end goal wasn’t actually death) and it wasn’t violent or bloody or that physically traumatizing (I mean I don’t think they even pumped my stomach, but to be honest I remember very little from that whole experience cause--- well, cause it was traumatizing. And my memory is crap.). What I’m going to mention here, though, is the First Big Trauma I can think of.

When I was... actually I don’t remember how old I was. I guess it was senior year? Like I said, my memory is crap. Since high school my brain has scrambled up dates like crazy, and forgotten or misremembered a lot of things, and left a lot of things vaguely floating in the ether unsure when they happened or where or if they happened at all. Anyway. My.... we’ll call him a friend. He had been a friend, anyway. Until I made the huge mistake of sleeping with him casually. With him knowing I was sleeping with other people as well. And he called my mother to tell her I was out having sex with people (don’t think he mentioned he was one of them). I don’t remember when I found out about this. It might have been before the incident in question or after. I really don’t remember the timeline. We could’ve still been tentatively close at this point, but I think I may have already been having off feelings about him, I don’t remember. Anyway. I was best friends with a different guy (the other one I was sleeping with -- look, I slept with my friends okay, I’m not saying I was a good person for it, I regret one of them immensely and wish I’d handled the other one better) who was also friends with Guy 1.

One night... and again, I don’t remember the context at all, what we were talking about or if I was talking to him at all, just that it was over iMessage somewhere after 1am, maybe after 2am. I don’t know what we were talking about. (Maybe this is why I keep records or reread through old conversations, I have the worst memory and it really irritates me that I can’t look back on logs of these convos.) Anyway. He says he’s going to kill himself. Me, being a teenager, immediately does the thing they do on tv and asks something akin to ‘do you have a plan’ or ‘how do you plan to do it’ or whatever, and he says he has a kitchen knife and I’m like FUCK no, talk to me, please talk to me, don’t do this. Do you want me to come over? I’ll sneak out and come over, please don’t do this right now. And I don’t remember a lot of the details. I was an idiot and roped Guy 2 into it cause I didn’t know how to handle this. I should’ve been a decent person and left him out of it. But maybe having someone else to talk to at the time (because of course I didn’t wake up my parents - I was breaking the rules being up and on the computer after 10pm or whatever, why would I be so rational as to talk to my loving parents about this horrible situation I’d been thrown into) was helpful in the moment. It probably was. I hope he wasn’t as scarred by the experience as I was. I don’t remember if he tried to contact Guy 1 or not. Anyway. I don’t know how long it went on. I remember mentioning to Guy 2 that maybe I should call an ambulance. I don’t remember if I did. I remember sobbing silently sneaking downstairs into the garage to get into my car cause I was going to drive to his house to talk to him if I had to. I was so shaken. I was sure that if he died it-- well it wouldn’t be my fault, exactly, but that there was more I could’ve done. I’m sure I mentioned the suicide hotline and said he should call them. I offered all the support I could give from afar.

I don’t remember the rest of that night. I know I didn’t ever open my garage door, just waited next to my car, texting constantly on my old flip phone, or maybe I was talking, I don’t know. I think I must’ve been talking. Eventually I assume I went to sleep. I don’t know who I talked to. At some point the next day I know I was involved with basically forcing the guy to talk to the school psychiatrist. I probably felt kind of proud, like I’d done the right thing. I don’t actually know if I did. You may have noticed, and I’ll state this a million times over; my memory is lacking. Maybe I said the Wrongest thing possible. I don’t know. I just know that I felt responsible for saving the guy’s life. And I was also absolutely terrified of him. Maybe it was after that that my mom told me about his ridiculous crossing of that Line between kids and parents. And just... in general. That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed ever. And props to my mom for never confronting me about it, and generally respecting my sexual autonomy. I also remember - though, again, I don’t know when - calling him out on how ridiculously inappropriate something like that was, and him denying it. Like-- why would my mom make that up? There is literally no reason. And why choose him? Basically, I felt (rightfully) betrayed. And, of course, entirely traumatized by the whole suicide night. Eventually this became the first person I ever blocked on social media, the person who’s name still gives me chills, who I am terrified of to this day. The person who I had dreams of hunting me in my own home (didn’t help that he was on the rifle team, so I knew he knew how to shoot -- absolutely terrifying). He’s probably some boring ass white dude today. Probably living some whitebread life, working for the government. Some part of me still thinks he’s a psychopath.

Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is: please god, do not try to talk me down. Don’t do that to yourself. The likelihood that I will ever follow through on suicidal ideation is very very low (like I’d peg it at under 10%), and I never want anyone to go through the overwhelming fear and panic I felt that night. Leave an encouraging message. Encourage reaching out to more qualified professionals. Shoot a link to a crisis textline or something, but do not feel obligated to step in yourself. I will never try to lay the blame of my suicidality on anyone besides myself. I moved past the 13 Reasons Why mentality a long time ago. I am far more likely to argue that suicide should be a legal path for people who are adding nothing to the community as a whole than I am to argue that it’s someone else’s fault that I want to die. I think of death more logistically than emotionally at this point. It’s not a revenge fantasy. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to really fucking depressing lines of thinking - inescapable spirals that are just impossible to talk me out of - when I’m in a bad place. No one should have to feel hopelessly frustrated at my own horrible self-talk at those times. Reaching out to people is great, but think of yourself first.

Anyway. Thanks, anon, for the support. Writing that last bit calmed me down, and I’d already considered the hotline and dismissed it cause I knew I wasn’t actually going to kill myself and just needed to vent off some panic. ❤

[justunpetitpeudelamusique]

There’s something cruel about living and as incredible as it may seem, it’s not the fact one day our journey is going to end.

It’s not about waking up everything and studying something you’re not even sure that you like or about needing to work so you can get pieces of paper in return.

It’s also not about feeling desperate because you don’t know which way to go or regret the one you chose.

The cruel thing about life is having to go through this alone.

From the moment you open your eyes until you close them, the only company you have is yourself.

You meet people, change their lives, allow them to transform you and they leave, with word or a kiss, leaving a scar or the inspiration for you to take another stap or maybe go back another three so you can walk again, with more assurance, with more will.

There are those who look like they are never leave us and it’s the certainty that they are, that makes us enjoy each second, opening our chest and letting them make it their home, for as long as they want. For as long as we let them.

There are those who stay for just a little bit, but mark you for the rest of your days. And it’s about these people you’re gonna write when it’s past midnight, after drinking too much or having your heart broken.

Because one day, somebody’s gonna hurt you. And you’re gonna feel like someone is tearing your skin apart and bathing you with alcohol. And you’re gonna want to scream, maybe you really will. Your pillow will become your best friend. You will try to forget but every attempt is a reminder. Your open eyes show you the reality and when you close them, the lighting is the only thing that changes. You’re still in pain, but it’s dark now.

It’s past midnight.

And you hurt someone.

Because trauma made you act the way you promised you never would. Because everything seemed too right and when things are going too well, you need to destroy them. Because your own voice keeps saying you don’t deserve to be happy, you don’t deserve a chance, you don’t deserve a cure. Because you didn’t know how to deal. Because you loved so much that you didn’t know what to do with yourself. Because you hated and hated your own person and then decided to escape.

Not from someone else, but from yourself.

The race is unfair, you run faster and get nowhere. You don’t know why you’re running. Don’t know who’s behind you and neither what’s coming next. You’re tired. You won and you lost. You just want to rest.

It’s past 1am.

And you hurt yourself.

And someone hurts you.

And it’s a never ending circle. Why? Why not?

One day, you’re gonna meet someone who’s gonna hold your hand while you run. Things will get easier, you will laugh more, the weight will become lighter.

And this person is gonna leave you.

And it will hurt.

And hurt some more.

And you’re gonna hurt yourself.

And you’re gonna hurt someone else once again.

Because we always hurt the one we love the most.

Every time you fall, you’re gonna get up. Maybe there won’t be a hand around to help pull you through. Maybe you’re gonna need all the strength you have to lean on a wall, on a door.

On life.

On the cruelty of going through this alone.

The song you love the most and that makes you sentimental says Jupiter is the loneliest planet, but you exist.

You exist. You make mistakes. You regret them. You make more mistakes. You get something right. You make more mistakes than you get things right. And it’s ok, because that’s what makes us human.

As they mention in that show that has a special place inside of you: that’s why pencils have rubbers on their end. Because people make mistakes.

It’s almost 2am.

The world keeps bringing you more questions than answers, getting off your bed is still a challenge, your stomach burns and the app tells you to breath in four steps and you obey because sadness makes your breath faster and it looks like you won’t survive, it’s getting dark again, the walls are closing in, air is not making its way to your lungs, your hands are tingling, the tears are furiously running down your face, everything seems wrong, nothings make sense, you don’t make sense.

But who said it needs to?

It’s another day.

Someone else is part of your life. This time it was harder to allow them.

You love as love should be loved.

You live as life should be lived.

You feel pain as it should be felt.

You go as you should go.

You follow your path, always waiting for another hurricane.

Because life is cruel. Another hurricane is coming.

And when it hits, you’re stronger, knowing more, understanding more. Things are not as messy. It’s better than before. Everything is shaken, but what should stay, stays.

You stay.

You cry. You smile.

And then you heal.

Not because they expect you to.

Not because they want you to.

But because you can.

[luvsicktozier]

Drunk in Love

a reddie one shot

inspired by this post (x)

It’s a Saturday and the losers club are having their regular meet up. Since there were seven of them, the likelihood that at least one of them would have a free house every couple of weekends was quite high. This night, they were at Beverly’s. They hadn’t had a meet up in a while due to them all being busy with the school year, so this was going to be a good one.

The night started with a literal bang when Beverly unwrapped the cork on a bottle of champagne and popped it, something different for the group. Usually they would all share a few bottles of cheap vodka and that would do them fine, but since Bill had just gotten a new job, he decided to splurge and treat his friends. As Beverly poured each person a solo cup of the drink, they all knocked their cups together before raising them. “To the losers club!” Mike grinned, causing everyone to repeat his words and cheer. It was a lovely start to the night.

A few hours into the night, the house became a drunken noise when Ben revealed he had brought his karaoke machine with him. All hell broke loose when Richie and Mike done a very loud rendition of ‘I ran’ followed by a very drunk stan singing ’Toxic’ - which was entirely snapchatted by every member of the losers club. (Stan regretted it in the morning but didn’t want to admit he had a great time).

By 1am, the gang were sat in a circle, all with shot glasses in front of them and the wonderful before mentioned cheap vodka. “So, would you rather or never have I ever?” Mike asked as they all passed the vodka around and each had a shot sat in front of them. “Would you rather is fun but never have I ever could cause some issues.” Stan piped up with a small shrug - always the voice of reason. “So, would you rather it is!” Beverly grinned, downing her shot after she spoke.

“Richie! Rich ol’ Rich ol’ pal!” Ben grinned and threw his finger pointed at the 18 year old. “Would you rather have to make out with Bev, or date Eddie?” He asked, a little glint in his eye when he saw Eddie roll his eyes. To everyone’s surprise, Richie answered almost immediately, with no hesitation. “Date Eddie.” The boy said simply and took a sip from his cup. “R-really, Rich? How come?” Bill asked curiously, Stan nodding in agreement beside him. “Well, Bev is my best friend. It would feel weird to kiss her.” Richie explained with a shrug and looked down at his cup. Eddie’s face fell a little at Richie’s words and he looked over to the taller boy. “I thought I was your best friend, Rich?” He asked quietly. “Well, yeah. But you’re like a soulmate kind of best friend. Like someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Bev is like a sister.” Richie said simply. Eddie found himself going red and everyone dropped the subject.

Through 2am, the karaoke started back up, Beverly and Stan doing ’Rio’ by Duran Duran and Richie doing a loud but impressive ’Africa’ by Toto, which was followed by laughter and applause. A few more songs were done before the microphones were abandoned and everyone temporarily split off into groups so they weren’t so loud.

“Did you notice the tension earlier when Richie called Bev his best friend?” Stan asked Bill, both who had sobered up significantly, Bill having work early the next morning and Stan hating hang overs. “Yeah, b-bit strange, wasn’t it? Eddie l-looked like he was g-going t-to burst into tears.” Bill agreed and took a sip from his water bottle, them both sitting at the kitchen table. “I can’t believe how much Richie has drank tonight. He had four glasses of champagne, an entire bottle of vodka and I’m pretty sure I saw him take a drink from a flask earlier.” Stan sighed and shook his head. “Not that you’re c-counting though, right Stan?” Bill teased.

Eddie laughed quietly to himself when he heard Beverly shouting from upstairs. “Feminism is for equality, not for women to be the leaders, you uncultured swine!” Bellowed her voice, clearly influenced by the alcohol but also nothing but what Beverly agreed with.

“You know who’s cute?” Richie slurred, taking Eddie out of his trance from the before rather quiet living room in which they were sitting in a comfortable silence. “Let me guess, Rich. My mom?” Eddie replied with a quiet laugh. He knew that was Richie’s go to and he had no doubt in his mind that even in his intoxicated state, Richie wanted to make a “your mom” joke. “No, no, silly. Eddie.” Richie said, his lead leant back against the sofa as he tried to keep himself sat up, clearly utterly intoxicated. “Eddie?” The shorter boy asked with furrowed brows. “Yeah. He makes my heart hurt sometimes.” Richie murmured and shifted about on the sofa. At this point Eddie realised Richie was so drunk that he didn’t even know who he was talking to anymore.

“What?” Eddie muttered, looking down at his fingers and fiddling with them nervously before he looked to watch Richie. “He makes my heart hurt. Like it aches when I look at him.” Richie managed to slur, despite his intoxicated nature, being able to articulate the correct words to explain himself. Eddie didn’t answer. “And when he flirts with other people, my stomach hurts.” Richie continued to ramble and moved his hand down to rest on his stomach to put the sentence in stone. Eddie just stared at the ground. “Once he told me I looked pretty and I almost cried.”

Eddie remembered that day. Richie had finally decided to let his curls take over his hair, his face had thinned out a bit and he looked less like the baby face the gang usually called him. When he showed up to the cinema where they were meeting, Eddie felt his stomach drop. He couldn’t quite work out why Richie’s new appearance was making him want to be sick and run away. He pushed the thought away, complimented him and never thought about it again.

“I think I love him.”

Eddie felt that same feeling in his stomach. He wanted to run away and be sick. He so badly wanted Richie to swallow the words back up, make them disappear. He wanted to leave Derry, he wanted to leave the country. He’d to anything to get rid of the heavy feeling in his body.

“Guys we’re gonna go for a walk, do you want to come- shit, Eddie, you look like you’re about to pass out.” Beverly said with furrowed brows and a concerned face, walking over to put her hand on Eddie’s forehead. “Are you sick?” She asked softly, receiving a small nod from the boy. “I think I just need some fresh air.” He muttered, watching Mike carefully move Richie’s now fast asleep body, making sure the boy wouldn’t choke on his vomit if he got sick.

Eddie, Beverly, Mike and Ben eventually left the house and started down the street and towards the cow fields, where they usually went to for late night walks. “Eddie, did something happen? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Beverly sighed, clearly knowing something was up. Eddie groaned and nodded, them all sitting down on the grass once they reached the field. The group waited patiently for Eddie to speak, watching as he picked at the grass nervously, having a lap full of it after only a few minutes. “Richie, he. He, uh. He said he thinks he loves me.” He eventually managed to say, looking up at Beverly, his face saying everything. “Like, loves you loves you?” She asked, raising her brows in surprise, Mike reaching to put a reassuring hand on Eddie'a shoulder, rubbing his back. “Yeah. He said I make his heart hurt, that he almost cried when I called him pretty and that he thinks he loves me. Only he wasn’t saying it to me - at least he didn’t know that.” Eddie explained and brushed the pile of grass off his lap to start a new one. “He didn’t realise he was speaking to me. He’s so drunk.” He muttered and shook his head.

“Do you think you could ever love him back?” Ben asked curiously, only to have a flabbergasted Eddie snap his head over to him, his eyes wide. “Ben, no. I’m not- I’m not gay. I… I like girls.” He mumbled and shook his head quickly, only to receive a small laugh from Beverly, resulting in a glare from Eddie. “What’s so funny?” He snapped, brushing the grass off his lap again in a huff. “I’m not laughing at you, Ed. I’m just saying for one, being gay isn’t a bad thing.” Beverly said with a raised eyebrow, which made Eddie nod sheepishly. “I know, sorry, Bev. This is just stressing me out. You know I have nothing against you or anyone being gay.” He mumbled. “Thankyou. And for two, you know bisexuality and pansexuality exists, right?” She asked with a small smile.

“Wait, wait. So people can like girls and boys?” Eddie asked, shaking his head a little and reaching up with both his hands to pull on his hair in frustration. Mike chuckled softly and rubbed Eddies back again. “Fuck, your mum really does shelter you, doesn’t she?” He smiled and nodded. “There’s so many sexualities, Eddie. I’m panromantic and asexual.” Mike admitted with a soft smile, only receiving a small whine from Eddie, the boy letting himself fall back against the grass. “No offence, Mike, but what the fuck does that mean?” Eddie groaned, receiving a handful of laughs from each person.

After around an hour of calming Eddie, the three had tried their best to explain the most basic explanations of the most common sexualities. Eddie had calmed himself down, despite having so much new information thrown at him at one time. “So, if i did - if. If I did like Richie back, it doesn’t necessarily make me gay?” Eddie spoke slowly and looked around the three people. “Exactly.” Beverly smiled and reached over to squeeze Eddie’s knee reassuringly.

By around 4am they made it back to Beverly’s house, finding Stan and Bill had gone to bed. Beverly had let the two share her bed since Bill had to get up early in the morning, so it wasn’t a shock when they weren’t awake when they arrived back at the house. Who they did find awake, was Richie, who was standing in the kitchen, downing water, some paracetamol packets sitting beside him, showing he had taken two of them. “Hey guys, where have you been?” He asked as they came into sight, smiling sheepishly at Eddie. “We just went down to the cow fields to talk. We would have brought you but you were fast asleep.” Ben explained and Richie nodded.

“Right, I’m gonna go to sleep. See you guys in the morning.” Beverly smiled and hugged Eddie and Richie - Ben and Mike following upstairs where they would all sleep. Leaving Richie and Eddie on their own.

After a while of uncomfortable silence, Richie finally spoke, looking up from where he was ripping up a little bit of paper. “Eds… did I, y'know. Like. Did I say anything to you? Anything out of the ordinary?” He asked, scratching the back of his neck as they locked eyes for a split second. “Uh, yeah, Rich. You did. You said a lot of things.” Eddie replied quietly, moving so his knees were pressed to his chest, making him feel a little more protected in the awkward situation he was currently in. “What exactly did I say Eds?” Richie asked softly and watched the smaller boy nervously. The entire room was thick with tension and Richie would feel his heart in his mouth. He wasn’t entirely sure he even wanted to hear what he said from Eddie.

Eddie took a deep breath and finally looked up from the floor to watch Richie. It made him feel slightly better that Richie looked just as nervous as he did, maybe even more so. “You said that I made your heart hurt. You said one time I called you pretty and you almost cried. And then you said you think you love me.” He breathed and continued to keep his eyes on Richie, watching his every move - including when Richie squeezed his eyes shut on the last sentence. “Fuck.” The taller boy groaned and covered his face with his hands, dragging them down and leaning his head back with a shaky sigh.

The room was silent for too long for Eddies liking. He was used to being nothing but comfortable around his best friend and this made him nervous. It made him scared for the direction of their friendship and he wanted to run away again. He wanted to be sick, just like how he felt when Richie walked over to them on that one day.

“Eds I’m -” Richie began before he was immediately interrupted by Eddie. “Don’t call me Eds.” Eddie groaned, causing a small smile to creep on Richie’s face, causing a matching one on Eddies before they both laughed. It felt much better like this. How it should be between two good friends. How Eddie needed it to stay. That’s what scared him.

“Eddie,” Richie corrected himself, taking a deep breath and looking at Eddie, swallowing hard when he felt his heart clench a little. “I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not going to be fake. The past few months, everything has changed. The way I look at you - I’ve always felt something, ever since we were little, there was always something different, a little spark I felt when you laughed at a joke or hugged me. But recently that feeling has tripled. I don’t think about you how a normal teenager should think about his best friend, and it fucking sucks.” Richie spoke, his voice low and slow, just how Eddie liked. That voice calmed him down when he most needed it, even now, when he felt like he was going to pass out.

“It’s scary because I want to be able to joke with you and be normal, but every time I speak I feel like my heart is going to fall out my chest when you smile. It’s scary because you’re my best friend and I find myself wanting to hold your hand when you’re sad, kiss you when you’re laughing and go home with you at the end of the day. I find myself struggling to not climb into your bedroom at night like old times. It’s scary because I don’t think you’re my best friend anymore, Eds. You’re my soulmate and I don’t know what to fucking do.”

“You need to say something, Eds. or I’ll fucking die.” Richie murmured. He hated how far apart they were. He hated how he could reach out and rub Eddies back. He hated how there was this awful uncertainty between them right now and he wanted it to go away.

“I think… I think I’m confused.” Eddie began and kept his eyes locked on his feet. The sun was coming up and the room was filling with light slowly and it made him realise how long they had been sat here. “I didn’t even realise it was possible to like boys and girls. I thought there was gay and there was straight. So when I started to get these feelings for you, I pushed them away because it made no sense. I have had crushes on girls and dated girls so how could I have these feelings for my best friend - for a boy.” He began. Richie struggled to not smile when Eddie mentioned having feelings.

“I think it’s fucking terrifying because everything is new and scary and I keep having to stop myself leaning in to kiss you because what the fuck? I just don’t know how to handle all this and I just want my fucking best friend, you know?” He rambled out and Richie just nodded, getting up so he could finally sit next to Eddie, wrap his arm around his shoulder and hold him. Hold his best friend because everything is confusing and if you can only have one thing in this world, they needed it to be their best friend right now.

“We don’t need to change anything, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve kept my feelings pushed down for years and I can carry on doing that,” Richie murmured softly, his chin rested on Eddies shoulder as they just sat and held each other. Eddie just let out another groan and shook his head. “That’s not what I want though, I want to act on my feelings, I’m just scared.” Eddie whispered and cuddled a little closer to his best friend. “Well I’m scared too… we can be scared together, Eds.”

After a few minutes of silence, Eddie finally nodded and lifted his head, turning slightly to brush their noses together lightly before he pressed their lips together, reaching to hold Richie’s jaw with one of his hands. Richie let out a small sound, his hand landing on Eddies hip. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Eddie pulled away with a dopey grin. “Don’t call me Eds.”

The next morning, Stan and Bill were already gone when Beverly, Mike and Ben made their way downstairs and into the living room, only to find the remaining pair snuggled up on the sofa, Dr Phil playing on the TV. The three friends sat down on the free sofa and all watched the screen as the two boys shared soft kisses between smiles. No one commented on it.

“Beat her ass!” Eddie shouted at the screen when two women stood up and began pulling each other’s hair on the program. “Yeah! Beat her ass!” Richie followed, the room now filled with yelling and laughter. Everything felt normal and natural and it was nice. Eddie no longer wanted to run away from Derry, at least right now. Richie’s heart still hurt every time he looked at Eddie, but it wasn’t a bad thing anymore.

[sasukechiha]

tagged by: @krshima​​ - thank you for tagging me emeryyyyyy im bored to death n its 1am lmfao

Objective: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag somebody

i tag: @kylornx @wattashi @v0ngola @oeruki @atsushisnakajima @kishou @kojiiro @miuroko @youngwholock @nozakis @hatkekakashi @trashysasuke​

LAST

drink - diet coke phone call - my..... friend text message - "kalke koitar shomoi ber hoba?” translation: “what time are u going out tomorrow” song you listened to - anxiety by blackbear  time you cried - when i finished devilman crybaby, so like over a week ago

EVER

dated someone twice - yes kissed someone & regretted - no been cheated on - kdlkdlkdj ye lost someone special - yes been depressed - yep, its a lot worse now  gotten drunk and thrown up - yes im rly bad w alcohol

FAV COLOURS

black and red (if any of y’all come at me sayin black aint a color im gonna clock u)

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU…

made new friends - not irl, im v picky w my friends and i like having a small circle. i’ve made a lot a lot a loooot of friends on here tho, 3 v special ones in particular fallen out of love - yes laughed until you cried - yes ltrly 3 days ago found out someone was talking about you - yes ppl just lov havin my name in their mouth met someone who changed you - yes found out who your friends are - i already been knewwwwww. i’ve always had the same circle of friends since i was 4 years old and they’re all are ltrly the best kissed someone on your facebook friends list - i dont have facebook who tf uses that shit

GENERAL

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - again,,,, fuck facebook do you have any pets - 4 turtles and 4 beta fish do you want to change your name - nope. i used to h8 my name before but i’ve grown to rly like it and im happy w it what did you do for your last birthday - my friends threw me a surprise party at my house and they decorated my entire place and stayed till like 2am it was gr8 what time did you wake up today - 11:30am lmfao what were you doing at midnight last night - on facetime w my friend what is something you can’t wait for - my class’ pre graduation bbq tomorrow  what are you listening to right now - anxiety by blackbear (its my fav song rn if u cant tell) have you ever talked to a person named tom - nope lmFAO something that’s getting on your nerves - ltrly every single youtuber other than shane dawson at this point. fuck logan paul and his disgusting dumb bitch ass most visited website - tumblr LMAOO hair colour - black long or short hair - medium???  do you have a crush on someone - yes what do you like about yourself - appearance wise my smile, personality wise i like to think im rly fun to be with im ltrly down to do anything want any piercings - i got my nose pierced just this year but i still wanna get a few more ear piercings (tragus in particular) and my belly button  blood type - a+ nicknames - aloo (fam n close friends), leema (only fam) relationship status - ;) zodiac - pisces  pronouns - she/her fav TV shows - english tv shows bore me so im stickin w my weeb ass anime. so uhh rn its devilman crybaby, naruto (it,,, sucks but its my childhood n i love sasuke), one punch man, code geass, sailor moon, cardcaptor sakura tattoos - none right or left handed - right ever had surgery - nope sport - i was captain of the volleyball team b4 i graduated highschool a month ago, and play football & badminton occasionally piercings - nose piercing and ear lobe piercings vacation - all of asia tbh. mostly the south asian countries, but i also rly wanna go to china n japan trainers - wtf does that mean. if ur talkin abt my shoes its either converse or i just stick to sandals

MORE GENERAL

eating - nothing rn drinking - diet coke LMAOOOOO its 1am im so unhealthy about to watch - uhh im gonna finish the recent few eps of mtny waiting for - my class bbq want - to be happy get married - i want to.... not now tho lmao career - genetic engineer is what im aiming for since im plannin on doin a bachelor of science majoring in genetics next year for uni

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses - hugs lips or eyes - eyes shorter or taller - taller (my ass is ltrly 5′3 so im biased bc i wanna be tall) older or younger - uhh i like ppl a few years older than me even when it comes to friends nice arms or stomach - idrc hookup or relationship - relationship troublemaker or hesitant - a lil bit of both. be responsible, dont do stupid shit but have fun and make the most out of ur life

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger - nope drank hard liquor - yes lost glasses - yes turned someone down - yes sex on first date - nope broken someone’s heart - yes had your heart broken - yes been arrested - no cried when someone died - yes fallen for a friend - yes dhjddlk

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself - nope (its a huge prob of mine) miracles - no love at first sight - no its bs santa clause - im muslim so i dont celebrate christmas skjldkl i didnt even know who santa claus was until i was like 5 kiss on a first date - if its consensual angels - yes

OTHER

best friend’s name - arya eye colour - black but its brown under the sun ok fav movie - the little mermaid forever n always fav actor - uhh deepika padukone, leonardo dicaprio, idk i dont rly have any fav actors lmfao

[1-800-shadowhunter]

I was tagged by @love-ndletter, Thank baby cakes!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. (im tagging mutuals id like to get to know better, whether we’ve talked before or not!)

I tag: @beanbagbartoon @fineapple @rathersmallbird @velvetmojito @monjinki @pinklesbian @lunasgfriend @4xuanyi (I don;t know enough people to tag 20 lol, also you dont have to if you dont wanna)

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Pepsi 2. Phone call: It was my mother 3. Text message: Also to my mum, telling her my kfc order lmao 4. Song you listened to: Boys - Charlie xcx (great song omg) 5. Time you cried: I cried earlier today because I accidentally texted my driving instructor my kfc order. Tears of laughter not sadness lol

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. Been cheated on: never 9. Lost someone special: yeah 10. Been depressed: I don’t think so 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope but my friend did, on my rug omg

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Emerald green, baby pink and Teal

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: absolutely 16. Fallen out of love: nope 17. Laughed until you cried: all the bloody time 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yup 19. Met someone who changed you: yes? 20. Found out who your friends are: nah did that a while ago 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: does family count?

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like 99%. I think all of them 23. Do you have any pets: I have one dog 24. Do you want to change your name: Idk I’ve been thinking about changing my last name 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went out for dinner with my family and a friend 26. What time did you wake up: 10:30 ish but like didnt get out of bed till 11 lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping, I was tired from work 28. Name something you can’t wait for: I have my AS results soon so I can’t wait to find out if I’m gonna fail at life (omg if i cry on results day…) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of hours ago, its like after 1am here 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I cared more things, like anything 31. What are you listening right now: Wee woo - Pristin 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I know a couple of Tom’s so yeah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my lack of motivation for anything omg 34. Most visited Website: this godforsaken website omg

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: Yeah I have a really small one 36. Mark/s: I have 2 weird birthmark looking things one my arm and one on my back 37. Childhood dream: No idea, I remember my dreams changed a lot 38. Haircolor: Darkish brown 39. Long or short hair: Its more on the long side 40. Do you have a crush on someone:  nope. 41. What do you like about yourself: I think I have a good sense of humor, I like making people laugh 42. Piercings: Just my ears 43. Bloodtype: No idea but I did have a blood test recently, I should probably find out lol 44. Nickname: Tay, that’s it really 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: Aquarius  47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn nine nine, Peaky blinders, Hell’s kitchen, Strong woman Do Bong Soon 49. Tattoos: nope 50. Right or left hand: I am right handed 51. Surgery: I fractured my finger when I was 8 or so 52. Hair dyed in different color: I had highlights once 53. Sport: Lol sport okay Theres no 54 :( 55. Vacation: I haven’t been on holiday for a while, my last holiday was Greece 56. Pair of trainers: I own a few pairs my faves are Addidas Superstars (I’m so basic omg)

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: The last thing I ate was kfc 58. Drinking: Last thing I drank was pepsi 59. I’m about to: Maybe read? Idk its almost 2am 61. Waiting for: myself to finally go to sleep omg 62. Want: to get my bloody eyeshadow palette 63. Get married: Maybe one day 64. Career: Idk what I want 

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs (I’m pretty sure I change my answer to this everytime lol) 66. Lips or eyes: Lips 67. Shorter or taller: Both are good but taller cause I’m a tol gal 68. Older or younger: Both are good (as long as not too old and not too young) but I’ll say older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms I guess(Idk I don’t really care) 71. Sensitive or loud: loud!!!                                                  72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: yup, love me some Vodka 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: all the bloody time 77. Turned someone down: yes 78. Sex on the first date: nope 79. Broken someone’s heart: probably not 80. Had your heart broken: yeah, not relationship wise 81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: yup 83. Fallen for a friend: don’t think so

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: sometimes 85. Miracles: maybe??? 86. Love at first sight: Nah 87. Santa Claus: nope 88. Kiss in the first date: I don’t see why not? 89. Angels: yup

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I have a bunch of besties 91. Eye color: Brown eyes 92. Favorite movie: I’ve been put on the spot omg IDK. Sorority row, Mean girls, The worlds end, Bridget Jones’ Diary, The princess and the frog, Pretty woman, Maid in Manhattan, THERES MORE BUT IDK

[the-bookler]

85 questions

Rules: Answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I was tagged by @honoraryshadowangel thank you so much! Honestly i’m still getting to know people so tagging uuhhh @quillbit-reads @coffeebooksorme @happybibliosaurus honestly i’d tag more but it’s 2am and im tired sorry!

the last 1. drink:omg pink lemonade with tamova vodka, not good. Kids, drink expensive vodka it makes the world of difference 

2. phone call: A friend at 1am last night via FB messenger because my dog escaped and was heading her way 

3. text message: uuuuh i dont use my phone’s intrinsic functions ie calls and texts so last person I messaged via FB messenger was my friend Jack about an award ceremony we were both at 

4. song you listened to: haven’t the foggiest, I didn’t listen to music today

5. time you cried: I was drunk and upset over a friend who committed suicide in April I believe, would have been in June

6. dated someone twice: lmao i’ve dated one person properly and wouldn’t go near that person again with a ten foot pole if I was at gunpoint so sorry nope 

7. kissed someone and regretted it: bahahah march i got into a fight with him he was demanding and i don’t care for people i barely know demanding large swathes of my time seeing as im so busy but apparently he’s cursed so i haven’t kissed anyone since it’s awful

8. been cheated on: November 

9. lost someone special: April, RIP Rafa <3 

10. been depressed: It was last bad in November, guess why

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: June it’s the second time i’ve ever been that drunk I hate it so much I usually just have a can or two and float around smiley and fun tbh 

3 favourite colours 12. Green 13. Lilac 14: Pink

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: oh god yeah, at least 100 new people in my life and i’d count at least 50 of them as very good friends now 

16. fallen out of love: hmmm not love i don’t think 

17. laughed until you cried: yepppp

18. found out someone was talking about you: people always talk about me i’m great ;D no but like... of course people talk about you? not maliciously probably in my case 

19. met someone who changed you: Yep!

20. found out who your friends are: totally 

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: ahahaha yes a lot of them, we had a game of spin the bottle in November some time. I’m also a bit of a devilish rake by American standards but that’s just how youths in Ireland are.

General: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I know of them all but i’d say there’s about 30 i’ve never met in person or been introduced to 

23. do you have any pets: Sascha the cat and his brother Charlie the Jack Russell!

24. do you want to change your name: I kinda instigated a change of it from megan jane to megjay but other than that nah

25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to a silent disco, had several complimentary jaegermeister shots, stayed overnight in my uni city instead of going home like i usually do, oh also a drama society quiz we failed spectacularly

26. what time did you wake up: this morning was about 12.30pm D: i’m bad in summer...

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: running around my neighbourhood and the surrounding roads and fields after my runaway dog in the lightning. I wish I was lying 

28. name something you can’t wait for: To move to my uni city and get started on my second year of college!

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like two hours ago

30 has vanished? mysterious 

31. what are you listening to right now: nothingggg other than the cars on the road

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: huh. not that i’m aware of, they’re all tomás or thomas here.

33. something that is getting on your nerves: people chewing loudly, people expecting me to help them without asking or being roundabout in the way they look for help like just being sneaky 

34. most visited website: not sure tbh

35. hair colour: blonde

36. long or short hair: mine is mid length it’s growing, I usually keep it short for practicality but im a poor college student who cant afford cuts and i have mad curly hair so my friends cant do it for me, so it’s gonna be long soon lol

37. do you have a crush on someone: kiiiinda? im suppressing it, it’s a Bad Idea.

38. what do you like about yourself: everything, i’m glorious 

39. piercings: i’ve two in each lobe 

40. blood type: No idea, I waited 4 hours to donate blood and find out once but turns out my veins are too slim and i’m banned from giving blood now :) :) :) 

41. nickname: megjay, megs, meggy, nutmeg

42. relationship status: single af

43. zodiac: Virgo

44. pronouns: she/her

45. favourite tv show: I don’t watch tv,.... maybe criminal minds? i like Reid

46. tattoos: not yet!

47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: nothing yet but i feel like i’ll need work done to my knees sooner or later

50. favorite sport: volleyball! i’m hopeless at it despite being a spikeball coach lol

51. favorite vacation: Denmark or London

52. favorite pair of trainers: The pink ones i stole from my sister ;) 

MORE GENERAL

53. eating: nothing 

54. drinking: nothing

55. I’m about to: sleep

56. waiting for: second year of college wooooop

57. want: sweets 

58. get married: idk i don’t really want to but i might change my mind

59. career: stage manager or actor or playwright or something related 

WHICH IS BETTER:

60. hugs or kisses: both, i’m a slut for human contact come kiss and hug me i love it 

61. lips or eyes: eyes

62. shorter or taller: taller pls 

63. older or younger: older

64. nice arms or nice stomach: love makes you blind ie you dont really care like im not gonna pick someone to love based on their anatomy

65. hookup or relationship: relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker, im a bit shy i need someone to get me into my mad situations 

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: yea lol i got to know him later though

68. drank hard liquor: i dont even know what qualifies as hard... jaeger?

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: no

70. turned someone down: yeah tinder is rife with... interesting folk

71. sex on the first date: nope 

73. had your heart broken: kinda

74. been arrested: no

75. cried when someone died: yes

76. fallen for a friend: yep! it ended really poorly i do not recommend!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

77. yourself: 100% 

78. miracles: nope

79. love at first sight: kinda 

80. santa claus: no

81. kiss on the first date: lol yep im loose with my affections 

82. angels: nope 

OTHER:

84. eye colour: blue 85. favourite movie: Kingsman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!