#2021 me bussiness

[wurmwizzard]

everytime i post about disco elysium, i loose 2-3 followers....im sorry my pookies, i know personally how hard it is when a tasty aesthetic blog gets new blorbos that you can't stand. Goodbye 👋

[sebscore]

THE GRID'S DELIGHT | SERIES MASTERLIST

summary: the shenanigans of female gen z driver and the formula one grid.

author’s note: I started this series, because I'd like to imagine what it would be like to be part of the group of drivers and how it would be like to interact with them on a regular basis. It's all fun and games, and I don't know these people in real life. everything is fiction! the stories aren't written in chronological order, but I try to put them in the right order below! 

Requests are always welcome in my inbox! Opinions, thoughts and feedback are also greatly appreciated.

— ABOUT THE OC

HEADCANONS || MORE HEADCANONS

:: Things about being the only female driver on the ‘22 grid.

DRIVER X TGD HEADCANONS

:: The dynamics between driver!reader and the formula 1 drivers. in the link you can find the masterlist.

EXTRAS

:: this includes thoughts, opinions, etc about the series. it doesn’t include requests.

— 2018

WELCOME TO THE STRANGE WORLD 

:: Y/N makes her F1 debut at the 2018 Australian Grand Prix. 

THE PRIZE THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

:: Y/N accepts the 'Rookie of the Year' award and receives a suprise from a special someone on stage.

— 2020 

TWITCH WAR

:: lando insults Y/N’s gaming skills and the events that followed.

PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

:: An error in the sound system causes for the wrong song to play instead of Y/N’s national anthem.

— 2021 

THE MORE YOU KNOW

:: Y/N teaches Sebastian and Fernando what ‘bop’ means.

NO ONE LIKES A MAD WOMAN

:: Y/N receives a complaint from the FIA during the driver's briefing and no one is happy about it.

BREAK UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND, I'M BORED 

:: Y/N flirts with a stranger not knowing she's the girlfriend of another F1 driver on the grid. 

THIS IS ALL I NEVER WANTED

:: Y/N goes through a rough patch and the drivers notice.

LET IT SPIRAL

:: Y/N gets into a crash and Seb & George come to the rescue.

SLOW DOWN, RED FLAG

:: The commentators are shocked by Y/N’s red flag habit.

BE YOUR WINGMAN

:: Y/N tries to get through an interview with Jenson, Daniel and Sebastian. 

GIDDY GOODBYES

:: Y/N and Kimi bid each other goodbye at the 2021 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

— 2022

A MAN’S WORLD

:: Y/N is asked about Christian Horner’s sexist comments.

THE ORIGIN OF RUSSY BUSSY

:: the title is pretty self-explanatory.

WHAT HAPPENS IN MONACO, STAYS IN MONACO

:: Y/N goes on a blind date and returns with a hickey the next day.

THE HELMET BET

:: Y/N and Zhou decide who the second best dressed driver on the grid is through a bet that involves holding the other drivers hostage at the driver's briefing.

GOSSIP GRID

:: Charles and Pierre don't trust Y/N when it comes to rumors around Oscar Piastri's move to McLaren.

RUMOUR HAS IT

:: Y/N and her fellow younger drivers react to certain rumours that have been going around about her love life, and it might include two colleagues of hers.

MONZA MANICURE

:: Daniel makes it up to Y/N for breaking her nail during a race.

LITTLE MISS BLACK DRESS

:: f1 drivers and their reactions to Y/N looking gorgeous in a dress.

KEEPING UP WITH THE GRID

:: What happens when Y/N takes over Martin's grid walk? 

THE LAST SUPPER

:: The drivers celebrate the life and career of Sebastian Vettel at Abu Dhabi and Y/N has a great story to tell.

— 2023 

INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY 

:: Daniel, Lewis and Sebastian show their appreciation for Y/N on International Women's Day. 

GLASS HALF FULL KINDA GAL

:: Y/N goes on Instagram live to try out Daniel’s new wine, and the drivers react to it in the comments.

MONTE-CARLO MADNESS

:: Y/N meets her old mentor after months and experiences a chaotic qualifying in Monaco.

PUT IT INTO SPEED DRIVE

:: Y/N and the Twitch Quartet go on a small adventure in the streets of Monaco.

SNITCHES GET STITCHES

:: A collection of moments at the 2023 Austria Grand Prix.

LATE NIGHT TALKING

:: Pierre asks the question: “Out of all the drivers, who would you date?”

— 2024

EXCUSE ME

:: Y/N finds out about Lewis’ Ferrari move before the official announcement.

ARE WE STILL FRIENDS

:: Lando ends Y/N’s race, and they have different perspectives on how it transpired.

[luigra]

tbh i didnt know jackity could be a thing until i accidentally stumbled onto your blog,

im going to think about these guys for a week now because that would be a really interesting dynamic. theyre literally parallels of eachother wtf

also the pretend girlfriend bit

I& have been on the Jackity frontlines since 2021 (or well. the backlines actually. I& don't post about them nearly as much as I& think about them) and YOU'RE SOOOO FUCKING RIGHT!!!!! They would have such an interesting story if they were to ever properly interact!!!

They both built their own nations as a response to the available options sucking ass, they were both lonely as presidents, they both chose to be worse, they both thought big and planned grand.... yet Quackity managed to actually find respect and status, he managed to actually make himself look cool, but Jack was still treated like a cringe loser by everyone!!!!!!

And honestly they would actually be horrible for each other because they're both unstable as fuck and in denial about it but I& think it could work because they also tend to latch onto people so bad. Slimecicle was literally a complete stranger to him and yet he got so attached that he came back from death purgatory just to say goodbye (ANOTHER JACK PARALLEL MAYBE?? IF YOU'RE INSANE??) and the moment Niki showed understanding to him Jack immediately became besties for life with her. Both Q and J just want to not be alone whether they admit it or not

For ages I& was actually hoping that one day Quackity would remember that one deal he had with Jack about bringing customers to his hotel and splitting the profit. They literally had a bussiness deal they were literally bussiness partners!!!!! But that never came so when the epilogue came around and Jack LITERALLY GAMBLED AWAY HIS LIFE IN LAS NEVADAS I& thought. SURELY this is the prime Jackity material. Even funnier if Quackity is so detached from life and drowning in some classy ennui of fake success that he doesn't even like. notice that Jack is literally squatting on his property

You could have some real fun confrontation with PARALLELS TO THE BITTERDUO HOTEL CONFRONTATION where Jack is like "I thought you were dead!!! The nuke killed everyone but me and Tommy and Tubbo! And maybe a few others but AREN'T YOU DEAD???" and Quackity, who did in fact just come back from whatever polyQule purgatory he was in, is like "well yes BUT NO WHAT THE FUCK GET OUT OF HERE" and then Jack tries to take over Las Nevadas and Quackity is naturally into it because he has a horrible taste in men

They can be a little divorced about it. As a treat

[nordleuchten]

24 Days of La Fayette – Day 24

After hopelessly falling behind schedule (and honestly, whom was I kidding?) let us have a look at one of La Fayette’s most iconic portraits – the painting showing him in his continental army uniform done by Charles Wilson Peale.

The was commissioned by George Washington and cost 20 Guineas. It is commonly dated to 1779 but Peale used to date his paintings when he started working on them and not when he finished it. And La Fayette’s portrait had to hit a few stops before being finished. Peale wrote to Washington on July 21, 1780:

Dr Genl nothing but dire necessity would have compel’d me to have called on you for any money until the end of the War. but you will allow me to relate to you my situation, as it will be my best appolegy. The House I live in being unexpectedly Sold, I am warned to leave it in a very short time, being unable to get any place to Rent in which I could follow my profession. I have been under the necessity of entering into an Engagement for the purchase of a House. and have promised a payment by the first of next month, in confidence that I shall get it from 3 or 4 Gentlemen for whom, I have done some Bussiness. The portrait of the Marquis is thought very like. yet I hope to emprove it when the Marquis will favor me with another sitting—The other parts of the picture, I will finish with great care without loss of time. I am Dr Genl with great respect you most obedient Humble Servant Cha. Peale The Coppy of your portrait in Miniature five Guineas. The half length of the Marquis de la Fayette. twenty Guineas.

“To George Washington from Charles Willson Peale, 21 July 1780,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/03-27-02-0193. [Original source: The Papers of George Washington, Revolutionary War Series, vol. 27, 5 July–27 August 1780, ed. Benjamin L. Huggins. Charlottesville: University of Virginia Press, 2019, p. 233.] (12/24/2023)

Some time later, on December 12, 1780, Washington wrote to Peale, inquiring after the portrait:

Dr Sir, I perswade my self you will embrace the oppertunity of the Marquis la Fayette’s visit to Philadelphia to give the picture of him the finishing touches. You may not have another oppertunity and I wish for its completion. I am Dr Sir Yr Obedt Servt Go: Washington P.S. as I presume you must be done with my picture of the King of Prussia ’ere this I should be glad to have it returned to me.

“From George Washington to Charles Willson Peale, 12 December 1780,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/03-29-02-0321. [Original source: The Papers of George Washington, Revolutionary War Series, vol. 29, 28 October–31 December 1780, ed. William M. Ferraro. Charlottesville: University of Virginia Press, 2021, pp. 487–489.] (12/24/2023)

Peale replied promptly on December 18, 1780:

I expect that the Marquis will give me a setting tomorrow, I waited on him in the beginning of last Week and found that he was engaged with the other foreugn Officers in taking a View of the several Grounds of battles and Encamptments. My intention is to give you the most compleat portrait I am Capable of painting.

Notes from “From George Washington to Charles Willson Peale, 12 December 1780,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/03-29-02-0321. [Original source: The Papers of George Washington, Revolutionary War Series, vol. 29, 28 October–31 December 1780, ed. William M. Ferraro. Charlottesville: University of Virginia Press, 2021, pp. 487–489.] (12/24/2023)

The last letter regarding this portrait was written by Peale and addressed to Martha Washington on January 16, 1781:

I should be glad to be informed whether the portrait of the King of Prussia has yet reached head quarters: please to acquaint his Excellency that his picture of the Marquis is much aprroved off altho’ not entirely finished, for I have thought proper to ma[k]e an entire change of the back ground.

Notes from “From George Washington to Charles Willson Peale, 12 December 1780,” Founders Online, National Archives, https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/03-29-02-0321. [Original source: The Papers of George Washington, Revolutionary War Series, vol. 29, 28 October–31 December 1780, ed. William M. Ferraro. Charlottesville: University of Virginia Press, 2021, pp. 487–489.] (12/24/2023)

It is not known when Peale finally completed the portrait.

There are often some comments that this was not Peale’s peak performance, but something is remarkable about this painting – it does not sugarcoat anything. Many paintings of La Fayette show a very idealised version of him. Peale on the other hand shows us a young, slightly fleshy, red-faced General with a receding hairline.

The portrait was and still is fairly well-known and popular. Washington had it displayed in Mount Vernon’s Front Parlor. It was later moved to a guest room, commonly referred to the “Lafayette room” – the room the Marquis occupied when visiting the Washington’s in 1784. It’s former place in the Front Parlor was then occupied by a large painting of the whole La Fayette-family. It was later given to the Washington and Lee University. The spot in the “Lafayette-room” is now filled with a high-quality reproduction.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

[stridermaxxing]

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[translightyagami]

15/18/25!

How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

i feel a bit like a fraud answering this rn because I have been in a stop/start cycle with all my smut wip lately. but maybe breaking down the process here will help me connect with my roots, so to speak.

my first step is the idea. usually i think of something that'd be hot - idk, spanking, daddy kink, deep vulnerability - and build out from there. often the real heat of a sex scene comes from the context it exists in. take, for example, the final sex scene in "give it to me." yeah its like L moaning and Light having a huge dick, but the real hotness is in the power reversal, the way Light has locked them into mutually assured tragedy for the promise of more sweet detective bussy.

next, i write the dang thing. very sloppy first drafts, right down to writing place-holder dialogue. all i need at this point is to have my little dolls in their "places" so that when I come back, the only thing i have to focus on is refinement. when i do come back for edits, i usually rewrite and reconfigure the entire story with an eye toward sentence construction. this is also when i comb out any really horny tangles. you guys think you're getting the pure unfiltered heart of my erotic ideas? absolutely not. its not a blanket recommendation for everyone to do that, but ya know not every horny impulse makes for compelling reading.

i do write from a visual place. obviously i can see exactly what i want to convey in my head, but i'm only so talented. that's why word choice is so important, as is keeping an eye on craft stuff like diction. readers should be utterly immersed in my erotica to the point that they don't even notice they've been jerking off for an hour. details are more tricky, as too many details are distraction and honestly boring to write. the more details, the less space for the imagination - which is the MOST important part of erotic literature. as a reader, i like the space fill in my fantasies and so as the writer, i try to extend that courtesy to others.

its not that important to be realistic. that's what reality is for. sorry to the people in the audience who are like "eight inches is too big for Light's dick!" i'm an artist and i do as i please.

Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

always after. when i start my fics, i'm not as big of a planner as many more prolific writers are, which also means i'm not yet sure of what themes the work will tackle. usually, i like to reach for a phrase from the fic that also acts as a summary of the story. but ultimately its a gut thing. when you know you know.

What fic do you wish you got more of a response on?

several, to be honest. I never really felt like my Bottom L fics got as much traction as I wanted, which is probably bc 1) the fandom leans toward bottom Light which is also partially my own doing lol and 2) most people aren't willing to put their public stamp of approval on the sort of sordid shit i write for Bottom L. i'd love to see Making a Scene get more love, and honestly, it'd be very very cool to see people rediscover and enjoy my two t4t bottom L fics i wrote on my avoidfilledwithcelluloid account. Both "Christmas Wrapping" and the "hierophilia/skirts" chapter of my kinktober 2021 collection have trans masc fucking i am super proud of. i'd like to become even better at soon.

[satorugojowidow]

Me: okay i have some time i will play video games

Witcher 3: last save january of 2022

Resident evil 2: last save 2021

Me: looks like i have been bussy lately...

[midnightsorrowsworld]

Dream Journal

6/11/23

Last night my dream about study (preparing for cpns) together with my friends. Initially there were fara, and vivi only who studied in my room. When they're focusing to practice some questions i was focusing to clean up my bed and try so hard to remove my blood stain on my bed sheet with tissue. At that moment i was have a fight with willy, he's ignoring my text (as always) but i was so afraid to lose him again, so i text him politely remind him to save money while he's in lombok for bussiness trip (i replying his whatsapp status, the video show that he's on gili trawangan island. There is a crystal clear sea, and he's sleep at water villa) he looks so happyand wearing white t-shirt ,his hair long enough like when he's in uni. I also remind him to stay save, to eat properly, wishing him to success to do his job at there , and also saying i love him multiple time. After that i put my phone and focusing to study with my friends, i forgot to give them some drink (lol) and i go to refrigerator, and i found my mom make a lot of ice (contain sour unripped mango in jullien cut, and jelly with green syrup) i ask my mom to grab it for my friends while my mom's sibling come over (i only saw mama wati only but it feels like mama ela, mama heni, and de ilham also came). Mama wati joking arround and after i greeted them i heading to my room.

Im forget, but when i enter my room there are a lot of my friends (ratih, bayu uyab, bintang) who join our study. We doing practice a lot, and when i check my phone i was on cloud nine because willy replying my text. He said that no need to worry because he's not paying any bills for the trip, the company paid 13 mio for those trip (10 pax ppl, biasanya willy kesana cm ber 4/ ber 5) he also send me a video said that he miss me and wish we could go together to the island. 💞 he said he love me so much, i forgot what he said, but he replying a lot and said a lovely things. In my dream i want to reply his massage ,i smiling all day reading his massage. But i forgot to bring more glasses for my friends so i back to grab more glsses. Suddenly there were a mentor who test our paractice, they scoring our book, and when the time they called me one of that mentor give me a lecturer to write hiragana, she ask me to wrote letter ha and correct it --" (に but when i checked the internet it is letter Ni lol) and i move to another mentor he's chinese and give me average score, i was bit disappointed with my self but it turn the mentor have a mistake, so he's re correcting my practice. I forgot the next but piece that i remember is we talked together while drinking the ice (they all like the mango!) We discuss about which department we register, and they share their experienced with the last cpns (2021). And i triggered to study and work even harder to surpass the cpns test, because i will be in the same city with willy.

Then the scene changed, we're moving to vivi's boarding house to sholat. And we backbto my house but the road is different. After that i back to my room and ask my friends to study again, because i was ketagihan belajar bareng.

Finn

[luffythinker]

have you ever listen to the dry boys before? Best of Dry Boys, Shigaraki, Dabi, & Hawks Songs and Parodies 2021 | MHA Songs - King soda on youtube your gonna laugh so hard but some of those are super lit

no i have never heard of it?? let me get into it

OH- NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THISJKDFKJDFK AS A MEGAN THEE STALLION FAN THIS WAS SUCH AN EXPERIENCEKJFDKJDFKDF

THE DABI ONE WAS SO FUNNY I CAN'T BELIEVE THE CREATIVITY SOME PEOPLE HAVE

never have i ever thought i would be listening to wet ass bussy

the dabi one with Corpse's song???? helpmekjkvjdfjk

alright i will be linking it here in case anyone wants to hop on these masterpieces -> Best of Dry Boys, Shigaraki, Dabi, & Hawks Songs and Parodies 2021 | MHA Songs

[natsumoyononeko]

2020 & 2021

Actually, I didn't remember much about going through 2020 and 2021. I only remember that one day in 2020, I opened my account again, and found that Nagisa was still contact and looking for me. I didn't expect Nagisa to looking for me. Well, some of my friends were also looking for me at that time. I miss everyone, including Nagisa. So I started talking and spending some time back with Nagisa.

Nagisa hasn't changed much, still talks about many things and is still cute. It's just that.. I think Nagisa has matured a bit? Lol I don't know either, but it feels like it and maybe.. less cuteness? Well, I'm not going to complain about that, after all it hasn't changed much and it's none of my business. Time passed, one by one of my friends also disappeared, only a few remained, and we didn't talk often. To be said, I more often talk with Nagisa compared to my other friends.

Time flies, and yes.. 2020 and 2021 still feels pretty hectic to me. I rarely open Instagram, because I deleted it from last year. So I don't know when Nagisa contacted me, I don't know if I don't check it via web. One day, Nagisa's account disappeared from my dm list. I really panicked at that time. I asked my friends, well, they didn't help much because they also didn't know why that was. But, I really panicked. I'm thinking Nagisa deleted her account or something. I'm afraid of losing Nagisa. I can't contact Nagisa anymore, I miss Nagisa.. and after a few days later, I finally installed Instagram again, and found Nagisa in my dm.. that was my carelessness, it turns out that I had unconsciously moved Nagisa's dm to another place, I forgot what it's called , but there really is another place in dm, some sort of archive? I don't know either.

This year has been both good and bad, Nagisa and me only talk a few months I think. I know Nagisa also has her own bussiness. but, I feel like Nagisa is a precious person in my life. Like.. Nagisa is like home for me to come back. Nagisa still responds every time I contacted and sometimes we share our affection or should I just call it flirt? But yeah, somethings like that I guess?

[john-marshall]

Okay in around March 2021 I fucked this dude and afterwards we noticed he had a lesion like, right below the head of his dick. We amounted it to friction (sorry I got tight bussy this is just a fact).

Fast forward to July. We got into the condo and were painting and it was HOT. I started to develop a rash of pink marks on my body, no itch no pain. First I thought it was a heat rash because I’m very sensitive to the heat. Then it kept spreading and I thought it was an allergic reaction to a new cleaner.

It continued to spread. When it reached my neck my roommate convinced me to call my PCP. This was a Friday afternoon about 4PM. They chastised me for waiting until a Friday at 4 to call and made an appointment for me on Monday. My PCP tested me for a bunch of stuff, and it was syphilis!

So I came back and got an antibiotic injection in my ass. No more syphilis!

And then the next month I got serotonin syndrome, and I was psychotic, having seizures, and generally not making any sense. I couldn’t understand when they told me not to pull out my IV while receiving Keppra, which will cause rebound seizures, so I had to be restrained and sedated. They asked my roommate about STD history and when she told them it was syphilis they assumed it was that until I inevitably tested negative for syphilis, having already been treated

i wanna sit around a circle and trade trivial information

[redvfx1]

Kumbh Rashifal 2021 | Aquarius Horoscope | कुम्भ | Astrology shorts | Ku...

[saint-vagrant]

(cover drawn by Anka)

i completely forgot to mention here-- we ended 2021 with SUPERPOSE winning the Prism award for queer webcomics 🖤��🖤 i’ll copy what i wrote on insta:

congratulations to all fellow finalists and to every worker out there for your gay indulgences now + in the future 🌈 (and thank you Anka for being the best bonzi bussy a boy could ask for 🖤 damn, it really corrected to bussy... another miracle.) to my knowledge there aren't a tonne of venues where not only are webcomics included, but with the perception of equal importance to mainstream, traditionally-published work. ours is a webcomic for sure and we do everything we can to keep it free, accessible, and weird. at the same time, for me, and maybe others, the "web" part of the comic is there out of necessity. this doesn't ever mean that webcomics are like the loser's choice or whatever lol just as much as it doesn't mean traditional publishing is "winning." we arrived here for specific reasons per our circumstances. there's no other way to get this story out. we share it the way we do because it's what we can afford (monetarily, energy, vision) and is supported by our subscribers. but these "streamlined" subscription/crowdfund services too are tenuous. people/history are chewed up and lost as things collapse, and constantly struggling to survive while things fall apart and disappear shrinks capacity and memory. understandably. now with KS' push toward NFTs, paired with tech + credit card companies culling "adult" material on every site/app, what we're seeing is the natural course of capitalism. and it can't just heal itself-- america was and is a business before all else. the trauma from these miserable conditions makes vulnerability feel dangerous. doing anything-- from being a person to writing a story to supporting our friends and family-- is much harder. hahaha UHHH so yeah: as much as the award means wrt recognition for our deranged transsexual works, we are ultimately sustained by the friends, peers, and readers for whom my/our presence isn't just nothing. that's what we have. and we love what we do. thank you for loving it with us!

SUPERPOSECOMIC.COM ~ 198X.LOVE

[nightswithkookmin]

Sungwoon has a Chimmy keyboard and he just posted Jimin's card with the caption "Handsome"... you manifesting this by any chance?

Sungwoon seems to be coming for JKs man, and let's be honest... Taehyung ain't shy lately either... what is going on?!?

This feels like the old days when Taemin was whisking Jimin away for private chats!!

The Jimin effect is in Full Force in 2021! JK better act right and post for his mans birthday... or those phantom ships might get some kind behind their sails...

Oohh those two look soooo shippable...

*Puts them in my shipping chart* 🤣🤣🤣

I was a bit salty he said handsome not pretty but I can let it slide. I don't need him to be gay or attracted to Jimin to ship him with my bias😊 hashtag Soulmates.

Hashtag Vmin who????

Hashtag Don't know em.

Besides, only Jungkook gay ass calls him pretty out here anyway🙄

The actual gay in this man🙄

Imma pray for this sinner🤧

Really I don't know how you can look at that photo of Jimin and think 'handsome.'

seems like someone is scared to admit certain things outloud to himself or is just being plain delulu

Sir, calling him pretty won't make you gay don't worry. He's a pretty boy. Say it🤭

And I don't know how these people keep consistently showing up for Jimin when he's busy out here renouncing them left right center any chance he gets talking bout BTS are/is his only friends. Come now. Are y'all really besties or we using him for clout and feeding our delulu shippers hm??💀💀

Tell the truth and shame the devil🤺

If not someone really needs to love themselves 💀💀💀

As a TaeKaiSungwoonminer- or whatever their ship is called- I take offense at that😤

Tae don't do that to his friendship groups😥

He out here shouting them out and featuring in their projects and loving on their families while Jimin is doing the bare minimum for y'all and yet y'all still claiming him. The hold this man has on y'all is astonishing.

It's the same hold Jk has on Jimin and his stans. Couldn't be me🤧

I demand equal rights for all Jimin's ships and friends.

His BTS| Jikook favoritism is absurd😐

Anywho chilee I'm in Troye Sivan's camp for now. Jikook and Vmin can come find me if they want me to ship them after the 13th😊

It's the shameless bottoms in the comments who want to bump bussies with him for me🤣🤣🤣

At this point they might as well just admit they are all lesbians😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh Holland's camp is great too!

Lil nas is killing it as usual😏

Kehlani too. Shout out to sis🤤

Sis don exposed all of us with this song but we not mad at it.

The gays are representing🤭

Like just be gay, show up gay, do the gay and let us support you. You gotta be part of the community some how. You gotta be proactively gay if you know what I mean.

What's with all the under the radar stuff😒

I'm tired of stanning the bare minimums😫

Go out or go home.

How are you gonna make an entire gay song, not feature gay artists, not feature any gay couples, not wave with pride, go on interviews and claim you paying homage to the biggest gay star on planet earth, call permission to dance fruity, say My Universe is for the gays, yet keep the gay in the subtext and the straight in text- I will never forget that kiss. NEVER. I'm petty like that.

Until they give the same visibility to two queer couples kissing, flirting and groping eachother homoerotically I'm holding a grudge.

NO. BTS GROPING EACHOTHER DON'T COUNT. I SWEAR TO GOD.

And every time someone misses a member's birthday and is about to miss a member's birthday I'm gonna bring it up and act out😊

I'll be on strike till after Jimin's birthday...

Unless Jimin want to do a live and talk about his feelings to keep me distracted 👀

A vmin live or Jin solo vlive won't be bad too.

Since certain members in BTS are growing and becoming independent of Army I need to love myself too🤡

FREEDOM FREEDOM WHERE ARE YOU

I NEED FREEDOM TOO

Sing it with me

Signed,

Dark Goldy

Rogue shipper extraordinaire

Please support LGBTQ artists

They are actually cool and Talented too

[winterscaptain]

absence.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader a joyful future fic

a/n: the next installment is here! this is the second-to-last piece in the berry hill section of a joyful future. as it has been lately, this one requires little ajf context, but i would recommend reading berry hill and waldosia, if you haven’t already. (thanks to aimz @ssaic-jareau, kira @good-heavens-chris-evans, and sabina @writefasttalkevenfaster) edit: this has been heavily revised as of april 29th, 2021. the changes and additions address continuity errors and ongoing subplots. 

words: 7k (prev. 3.8k) warnings: language, vomit mention, really accurate satellite phone protocol (eat your heart out, cm writers), beard!hotch, jack hotchner content, one last slow burn

summary: “absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great” - roger de bussy-rabutin. au!march-september 2011

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | taglist | what do you want to see next? updated: april 29th, 2021

There’s a moment where he stops at your desk on the way out of the bullpen, but you just stare at him. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it. After a moment, he finally says, “Jack is with Jessica tonight.” 

You have no idea what your face looks like, but it’s enough to drop his shoulders and send him on his way, defeated.

+++

You let yourself into his apartment, slamming the door behind you. He’s been waiting for you, leaning against the windowsill across from the door. 

“How dare you.”

He sighs and presses a hand to his forehead. “You have to understand that I -”

“Bullshit, Aaron. I don’t have to understand a goddamn thing. What are you thinking? We need you.” 

His head tips up, and he looks through you. The haunted look in his eyes almost makes you falter - it so acutely reminds you of the days following Haley’s death - but you keep your resolve. He doesn’t say anything, just lets you yell at him until it's out of your system. You could never actually hate him and he knows that, which makes some of it easier, but not all of it. 

The tears start and pick up speed as you continue, nearly at a shout. “You've known for seven months that you were going to leave for Pakistan. I read the brief. Seven. Fucking. Months, Aaron. Since September, you’ve known and you didn’t tell us about the task force assignment in fucking Pakistan!” 

You pause, but the final nail in his proverbial coffin leaves your mouth without permission. “Emily died, and you’re still leaving?” He flinches. “You’re leaving me and Jack. You’re leaving our team. I never thought you could do something like that to us. Maybe them, but not me. Never to me. I mean, after everything we’ve -” You cut yourself off and raise the back of your hand to your mouth, unable to finish the unbearably painful thought.

He’s not sure which part is the most painful - the fact that you list yourself with Jack instead of with the BAU, the fact that you say ‘our team,’ or the tone that drips with hurt. The sob that rips through your chest breaks his heart. He leans heavily against the arm of his couch, knocked down by the weight of your tears. 

No. The hardest part is knowing he deserves it, that you aren’t saying anything that isn't unfair or untrue. 

“I can’t even look at you right now.” 

He can only watch you as you walk back out, leaving the door open behind you. 

About twenty minutes later, he receives a text.

9:34pm I’ll be there tomorrow at 12:30 to take you to base. Be ready when I get there. 

He crawls into bed about half an hour later, and receives another text.

10:05pm Goodnight. 

Fuck. 

+++

The ride to base ride is mostly silent, and you know something’s wrong. It’s nothing you can articulate or even really put your finger on, but it’s something bigger than just his imminent absence.

He’s boarding a C-130 supply transport with a few Marines and various agency task force members to an outpost in Pakistan. It will no doubt be a long and deeply uncomfortable flight. His go bag, packed with desert fatigues and a couple of creature comforts, looks smaller than usual at his feet. 

“How long?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “Task force operations are need-to-know.” There’s so much he can’t tell you, and it eats at him. Because it’s you, and he’s been an ass, he concedes a little. “Probably a couple of months.”

“We’ll be okay, Aaron.” 

A little laugh leaves him, and it pulls a smile from you. 

“What?”

“Remember when you chased me down last night to tell me the team couldn’t do this without me?” 

You roll your eyes. “It’s still true, but we’ll manage. We always do.” There’s a moment of silence, and you continue. “And you’re going where you’re needed. That helps.” 

It’s true. Your anger had cooled (just a little) overnight, and you decided you didn’t want to be upset with him when he leaves. 

You already miss him. 

“Don’t think I’m not still mad at you.”

He looks out the window, and you can hear the wheels turning in his head. Jack is on his mind, and so are you. There’s nothing more nauseating than the thought of leaving you while you’re still hurting from Emily’s loss. “I know.” 

Why are you going through with this, Hotchner?

Oh, right. You’re a coward. 

“I just don’t want our last conversation before you leave to be a fight.” You sniff, but don’t look at him as you continue driving down the highway. 

I am perhaps the most undeserving man on the planet. 

He says, “Thank you. I don’t want that either,” but he hopes you can hear what else he can’t say. 

I love you. I’m sorry. 

+++

“Alright, you’ve got everything you need?” You stand next to him on the tarmac, shading your eyes from the sun. 

Aaron hikes his bag higher on his shoulder. “Think so. You gonna be alright?”

You nod and reach for him. He embraces you, tucking his head into your shoulder. “You be safe, Aaron Hotchner. If you die out there I’ll kill you myself.” 

He chuckles, and you hope the sound is enough to keep your heart from breaking too much over the next couple of months. Your eyes close as he presses a kiss to your cheek. “I’ll check in when I can.”

Shoving against his chest, you turn him around and push him toward the plane. “Get outta here.” 

He takes one last look over his shoulder when he reaches the loading ramp and offers you a wave. You return it. 

+++

You manage to get to the highway before the tears start. The only person you want to talk to is Emily. She’d know exactly what to say, and she’d make sure your days off were full of fun and good company. You pull off on the side of the road, your head falling into your hands, sobs wracking through you.

When you’re able to keep driving, your chest hurts beyond belief. 

Without her, these months seem to stretch before you forever. 

+++ april 2011 +++

It’s not the first time you’ve ended up in his office alone, but it’s the first time you’ve really noticed the evidence of his absence. 

The picture frames on his desk started gathering dust, so you brought a little duster to the office. His desktop computer has stopped making noise, so you turned it on and off once out of pity. His phone hardly rings, unless it's the NSA trying to get a hold of one of you for a sat phone call, so you and Morgan take turns taking forwarded calls. 

The silence is overwhelming and seems to pull something intangible from you. It’s exhausting. 

“When’s the last time you slept?” 

You turn, finding Penelope in the doorway. You’re not sure how long she’s been there, watching your acquiescence to the bees that seem to have invaded your brain in the last couple of weeks. 

“I slept last night,” you tell her. It’s not technically a lie. 

She doesn’t look impressed. “Did you sleep through the night, or are you just trying to play one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?” 

With a sigh, you cop to it. “No, I didn’t sleep through the night.” You look out the window to the bullpen, and you know she sees something on your face. 

“I don’t like it either.” She looks over her shoulder, finding Spencer and Ashley playing a game of Go on the desk. Unsurprisingly, Spencer’s winning. Rossi and Derek speak quietly by the little kitchen, looking just about as tired as you feel. 

The short-handedness is getting to you. “There’s just…” You search for something to say. “There’s just so much to do.” 

Penelope looks back. Her mouth twists. “And we’re down a couple’a hands.” 

That’s an understatement. 

+++

“I would understand if you needed some time to think about it.” Erin leans forward in her chair, elbows on her desk. “With your team cut in half, even I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending you to another unit without some time to train a replacement or two.” 

“Or three,” you add.

She looks at you and nods. “Exactly.” 

You pick up the letter from the Special Agent in Charge in Los Angeles. You’d be his right hand - essentially the liaison between operational support divisions and units operating in the field. It’s a hell of an opportunity, a huge promotion, and a significant bump in pay. 

“Can I take you up on the offer to think about it?” You slide the letter across the desk again. 

Her eyes are soft, and you almost feel close to her in that moment. “Of course. Take your time. It’s a position created just for you, so there’s nobody else in line for it.” 

“Thanks.” 

+++ may 2011 +++

“Ready or not, here I come!” You call across the apartment, sneaking through the familiar rooms with practiced ease. 

Aaron’s been away for close to a month, and you’ve settled into a routine. Cases, of course, keep you busy. Derek’s rather good at playing unit chief - decisive and collaborative - but you miss Aaron’s steady, even hand. 

Really, you miss everything about him. You try not to think about him too much. 

You fail, often. 

Avoiding thoughts of Aaron gets even harder as you creep into the master bedroom. The smell of him hasn’t left. Past the doorway, the air is spicy, masculine, and warm. You squint at the bed. One of the pillows moves, just a little, and you pounce, pulling the covers back and grabbing the wiggling pillow. 

Jack screeches and throws himself at you. You catch him and fall back on the bed, laughing. “I found you!”

Jess is off running errands for the afternoon, taking some well-earned time off. You’ll more than likely spend the night over here tonight to give her more of her weekend. It’s never any trouble to stay with Jack. You adore each other. 

Usually, Jack leaps right to his feet for another round, but he stays put after his fit of mirth passes, sprawling across your chest. 

“What are you thinking about over there?”

He sighs, and brings his little hands under his chin, propping his head up so he can look at you. He’s six (and then some), now - still very much a boy - but the pensive look on his face starkly reminds you of his father. “When’s Dad going to be home?”

You push some hair off his forehead. “I’m not sure, my love. I’m hoping it’s only a couple more weeks, but it could be a little longer than that.” 

He sighs, and it breaks your heart a little. You turn on your side, and he curls into you, resting his head on your arm and tucking under your chin. “Are you and my dad best friends? I have a best friend named Connor and he says best friends are really important and I was just wondering.”

You laugh a little. “Yeah, I think so. Your dad and I have known each other for a long time.” His little hands play with the collar of your shirt. There’s more to his question. Jack’s just like his dad and takes a bit of ferreting out. Luckily, you’ve had plenty of practice. “What are you curious about, little bug?”

“Do you miss Dad?”

A track of Aaron’s laugh, his smile, the way his arms feel around you flies through your head. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.” 

“I’m happy you’re here so we can miss him together.” You can almost hear Aaron’s voice in Jack’s. It sounds just like something he would say, and probably has said, talking to his son about Haley.

“Me too, buddy.” You kiss the top of his head. “Me too.” 

Jess returns about an hour later, groceries in-hand, to find you and Jack curled together in Aaron’s bed, snoozing the afternoon away. She snaps a picture with her phone, saving it in an album she keeps for Aaron. After she puts the groceries away, she escapes, leaving a note. 

You’re on your own tonight and tomorrow. Have a good time with breakfast - he’s been picky lately. 

XO, Jess

+++

“You know,” Jess says, a little out of the blue one afternoon. “Haley told me something once.” 

You snort. “I’d imagine she told you a great number of things.” 

“Well, sure. But I mean about you and Aaron.” 

It’s pretty stupid that your body decides to panic over absolutely nothing. If this was a polygraph, you’d fail outright. And yet, nothing’s happened between you and Aaron. You’re just friends. 

Yeah but you love him. 

And he probably loves you, too. 

But we're all to chickenshit for that.

What a-fucking-bout it?

You take a little breath and a sip of your tea. “Oh?” You hope the query sounds casual enough and doesn’t give away the cool sweat blossoming over your palms. 

Luckily, Jess isn’t a profiler. 

“Haley told me - and this was the summer before she died, so it’s not like she told me under duress or anything - that she thought there may have been something between you and Aaron after the divorce.” 

She says that like it’s the simplest thing. You’re not sure what to say, so you keep your eyes on the grain of the coffee table, tracing the lines with your eyes. Eventually, you decide to answer in the simplest, most honest way possible. 

“There’s never been anything between Aaron and me. He’s one of my best friends and I care about him.” That sounds evasive even to your own ears. “I care about him a lot.” 

Jess hums. “I know, but Haley always had a sense about these things. And she knows Aaron better than anyone.” 

Her slip into the present tense makes your chest pull. 

“I don’t say that to put you on the spot or anything.” She shrugs. “I just think you guys would be good together. You’re good for him and I think he’s good for you, too.” 

She’s more right than she knows, but you can’t think about it for too long. You miss him too much. 

Out of a need to respond, you offer a half-hearted, “Maybe.” 

Jess reaches out. “He’ll be home soon. When he gets back, I think you should at least think about it. Or talk about it.” She shakes her head. “Or something.” 

“I have -” You cut yourself off, not really meaning to share. 

She squeezes your knee. “I know you have. So has he.” 

+++ june 2011 +++

Back to back cases - five of them, to be exact, pull you through the next four weeks by the ear. Formal leadership wears on Derek more and more by the day, and you find yourself making just as many decisions as he does. You’re immensely proud of him, but the whole thing is exhausting. Spencer does his best to slip back into his normal role, but Emily’s loss continues to wear on him. You don’t blame him.

Most days feel held together by duct tape, with you and Rossi acting as the adhesive. All that and the offer in Los Angeles you’ve hardly had time to process. 

Thus, your evening with Jess is both well-earned and much needed. 

“Wanna crash here tonight?” She sets a mug of tea down on the coffee table in front of you and sits heavily back on the couch. “It’s pretty late.”

You check your watch and find it is indeed late. Before you can answer, your phone rings, and you answer it with an apologetic glance toward Jess. “Hey, Morgan. What’s up?”

“We have sat call notification from Hotch. Can you come in?” He sounds exhausted. 

“Yeah, I can be there in twenty. Is everything okay?”

He sighs. “Yeah, looks like a routine check-in.” 

Jess sighs, knowing the drill. She goes to the kitchen and pours your tea into a travel mug. 

“Are you calling anyone else in?”

“Nope. Just you. See you when you get here.” He hangs up. 

You stare at your phone as Jess sits next to you again. “We have a call from Aaron coming in, and I have to head to the office.” She hands you your travel mug, and you take it gratefully. 

“You’re welcome back here - I can set up Aaron’s room for you. We’re a lot closer to the office than your place, and I don’t want you to drive if you’re too tired.” She sets a hand on your knee, and you reach over to embrace her. 

“Thanks, Jess.”

+++

When you arrive, Derek’s already on the phone. “... So, no leads?... Right.” He looks up and catches your eye. “Here, Hotch.”

You take the phone. “Hey.”

“Hi.” He sounds relieved. “Are you doing okay? How’s Jack?”

His questions make you smile. “We’re good. He’s good. I just left the apartment - Jess and I were having some grown-up movie time.”

You’re warmed by his laugh. “Good. Glad to hear it. I was just telling Derek that the leads out here have gone cold, but we’re still working.”

“Ah. Any chance you’ll be home soon?” You avoid Derek’s searching gaze. 

“It doesn’t look that way, no. We’re picking up on some chatter out there, but nothing firm. We’ll have to keep out for a couple more weeks at least.”

Your heart drops, but you hide it as best you can. “Alright. Anything you need from us back here?”

“Just keep doing good work.” You know he can’t say much more than that, with more than a couple of NSA guys in between you on the line, not to mention the archival recording of the call. Even then, you know he means looking for Doyle. “That’s all I need from you.” 

“We can do that.” You give him a quick rundown of some recent cases, all surface-level. You’re mostly stalling, using up incredibly expensive satellite time just to hear his voice. 

You hear him sigh. “Alright, I gotta get back. Tell Jack and Jess I love them.” 

“Of course.” You hand the phone back to Derek and wait while they finish up. Your eyes wander over the volumes of law books in Aaron’s bookshelf, the pictures of Jack and Haley and Jess behind his desk. Wandering over to his chair, you sit down and rest your head on your arms. 

Your eyes wander to a photo taken a year and a half ago at Haley’s service. You’re not sure who took it, but you’re crouched on the ground talking to Jack, while Aaron stands behind him with a hand on his head. Jack's little hands are in yours, and he’s smiling a little. 

Of all the photos to keep on his desk...

Derek hangs up the sat phone and puts it back in the lockbox. He crosses the office and leans against the desk beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder. 

+++

When you get back to the apartment (indeed much closer than your home), Jess is asleep in the guest room, and Jack’s still out like a light. 

You change into your pajamas, stuffed into your go bag, and curl up under the covers on Aaron's side of the bed. His pillow smells faintly like him, and you burrow into it. 

The bed feels far too big and far too cold without him. 

+++

“JJ!” You stand to greet her. “What are you doing here?” 

She holds up her credentials. “I’ve been reinstated as a profiler on temporary assignment, so don’t get too excited. It’s a contingent favor for the FBI and I’m sure the State Department will call to collect sometime soon.” 

You clear your consults and subpoenas off the desk beside you. “Good to have you back.” Looking over at the intimidating stack of files you ask, “Need anything to do?”

+++ july 2011 +++

The next time a sat call comes in, you can’t go into the office. Jack has the flu and is absolutely miserable. You can’t, in good conscience, leave Jess to her own devices. Between the vomit and the sleeplessness and the tears, four hands are absolutely necessary. 

“Derek, I can’t leave. Jack is literally puking his guts out as we speak, and I don’t have any new intel for Hotch.” 

Morgan huffs into the phone. “Come on. You know you’re the only one he actually wants to talk to and the only one who has any actual updates about Jack.” 

“You just have to tell him that I’m up in the middle of the night with his son, who has the flu. Isn’t that enough of an update?” You don’t really mean to snap at him, but the lack of sleep has made you a little punchy. 

“Fine. If he -”

“Yeah, I know. If he gets upset, just blame me. He can deal with me when he’s not in Pakistan. As long as there are five time zones between us, I’ll take my fucking chances.”

“Fair enough.” 

He hangs up, and you return to the hall bathroom, where Jack’s cheek is pressed against the toilet seat, his forehead clammy and face pale. Jess is taking her turn to sleep - you’ll switch off in an hour. 

“Hey, bubba.”

He mumbles something that sounds like, “Hi.”

“Can I get you some crackers or maybe some Sprite?” 

Jack shakes his head and lifts himself up, holding his arms out. The risk of illness far from your mind, you gather him up and lean against the cabinets, rubbing his back.

“Can you try to close your eyes for me?”

“I don’t feel good.” There are a few tears in his voice, and it breaks your heart a little. You’ve so been there. 

“I know, baby. I know. Just close your eyes for a minute, okay?”

He does, and his breathing evens out eventually. He’s still feverish, but you’re happy he’s sweating, at least. It could break by morning at this rate. 

The makeshift towel-bed on the bathroom floor looks more than inviting. You gingerly shuffle over and lay down, keeping Jack flat against your chest. 

It’s the best sleep you’ve had in weeks.

+++

“Strauss offered me that transfer to LA again.” 

Derek looks up at you from his report, his brows drawn low over his eyes. “You gonna take it?” 

You heave a sigh. Before you can say anything -

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” He puts his pen down, giving you his full attention. “What’s stopping you?” 

So many things. 

There are only a couple of them you can say aloud. Luckily, they have the benefit of being true, albeit incomplete. “I love this work. I love this team. I don't know if I want to be a lackey for an almost-politician.” 

“And?” 

He’s got you. He knows there’s more because he knows you. Even then, you can’t bring yourself to say exactly what it is that’s holding you back. So, you hedge your answer, knowing he’ll understand. 

“I can’t -” leave Aaron and Jack. You clear your throat. “I can’t leave this team. Maybe that makes me a coward or suggests a lack of adventure or something, but I can’t do it.” 

“It doesn’t,” Derek says. “It makes you human.” 

You smile a little. 

“And for the record, I don’t want you to leave. And I don’t think Jack and Hotch do, either.” 

A little incredulous laugh leaves you. Derek simply smiles, but doesn’t say much else. It makes your point for you. 

Nobody else knows you like this team. 

+++

The hardest days are the ones where you end up by yourself. Derek’s picked up kickboxing with Penelope, Spencer has withdrawn almost entirely, JJ has her family, and Rossi retreats to the cabin by the lake with an alarming degree of regularity. 

Thank God he’s not as cranky as Gideon. 

That would be too spooky. 

Everyone is out of the office, scattered to their respective distractions. You sit on the floor of Aaron’s office, leaning against his desk. Your laptop sits open in front of you, but you’re only half paying attention to the movie playing. 

It was only this afternoon you realized his office smelled more like stale paper, your house, and Tiger Balm than Aaron, and it broke your heart a little. Your only solace was his apartment - the evidence of his existence was inescapable there. With Emily gone for good, you often needed the reminder. 

His office phone rings. You pause the movie, stand, and answer it. 

“Agent Hotchner’s office.” 

NSA is on the other side, dry and professional. “We have an incoming call from Agent Hotchner. Is Agent Morgan available?” 

You tell him he’s not, but that you’re the next in line to receive task force updates. In an equally dry and professional tone, you relay your credentials and your unique intel code. 

“Thank you. Please stand by.” Click. 

You roll your eyes. 

God, they’re boring. 

Sitting down at Aaron’s desk, you wait for the armed guard to arrive with the phone. As per protocol, you’ll sign for the call and remove it from the lockbox yourself. You’ll return it for pickup when the call is completed. 

The guard shows up and you step through the motions, finally getting the phone to your ear. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh, it’s you.” He sounds surprised, but not displeased. 

You laugh a little. “Yeah, it’s me. Morgan’s unavailable at the moment.” 

“I see. Is Jack feeling any better?”

“Yeah. He’s been alright for about a week now. It was a pretty nasty bug, but he’s a trooper. Any new chatter down your way?” You trace the wood grain of his desk with your finger, only a little absent-minded. 

“There’s a little bit of activity on the border. We’re monitoring the situation. Is everything going okay over there?”

“Yeah, for the most part. We’ve been feeling the heat a little since Seaver transferred to Andy’s unit, but we’re managing alright. Dave’s called JJ back in to lend a hand, and she’s doing really well.” 

He hums. “That was a smart idea.” 

“I’ll tell him you said so.” 

“Oh, please don’t. It’ll go straight to his head.” 

You smile. “Fair point. Any updates on the timetable?”

When are you coming home? Please make it soon. 

“Not at the moment. I think we’re getting closer. Few more weeks.” There’s something behind his voice you can’t quite grasp, but you let it go. 

“Alright. Keep us posted.” 

“Will do. You know the drill.” 

“I sure do. I’ll relay the information to the team, tell your son you love him, and talk to you in a couple of weeks.” 

You can almost hear his smile. “Exactly. Talk soon.”

“Be safe, Aaron.” 

“Hey, before you go,” he says. “Can you, um -” 

You smile, tracing the wood grain on his desk. “I’ll tell Haley you said Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks.”

+++

Jess’s hand only shakes a little as she lights the candle and holds the cupcake between the three of you. While she takes care of the cake and begins to sing with Jack, you hold the camera, filming the impromptu party so Aaron can see it when he comes home.

“Okay, Jack you have to help Mom blow out the candle,” Jess says, holding the cupcake in front of him. With a great amount of glee, Jack extinguishes the candle with a big breath and a laugh. 

You turn the camera on Jess, who says, “We couldn't let Haley’s forty-first go unrecognized - she’s officially old and we had to let her know.” 

With a laugh of your own, you turn the camera around and wave before turning it off. 

“Can I eat the cake now?” Jack asks. 

Jess nods, pulling the candle and setting it aside on your picnic blanket. “Of course, but after we eat some fruit, okay? I don’t want the ants to get to the basket before you do.” 

The July sunshine beats down on the three of you, picnicking beside Haley’s resting place. It is, in fact, her forty-first birthday. You can only imagine the look on her face she would have adopt when you reminded her of her age. 

“Oh please,” she’d say. “When you get to be as old as me, you’ll never hear the end of it.” 

Jack sits in the sun, munching on a little apple slice. You reach over, rubbing a little splotch of sunscreen into his skin. He already has a little sunburn from your adventure to the District earlier in the week and you’re not about to make your life even harder. 

Aaron’s absence, even in its fourth month, is glaring. Jack has mostly stopped waking in the middle of the night looking for him and having regular meltdowns, but he always looks up when the front door opens with an expectant look that breaks your heart. He’s an adaptable kid, but months without contact from his father have taken their toll. If you’re honest, it surprised you a little bit. 

With a little bit of perspective, months are different than days, or even a week or two. Jack relies on Aaron more than you realized and the difficulty of helping Jess where you can has only further illuminated your ignorance.

“Will Mom always have a birthday?” Jack asks. 

Jess looks over at him. “What do you mean?”

He thinks for a moment, a little pensive. “I mean, because she’s not here. Do people who aren’t here still have birthdays?” 

“They do,” she replies. “That’s why we have to celebrate for them. They aren’t here, but it’s still special.” 

He nods, a kind of understanding look on his face that makes you think he knows exactly what that means. 

+++

“Yeah?”

You smile. It’s been a minute since you heard his voice, over the phone or otherwise. “Hey, Dr. Reid. How’s Vegas?”

“Hot. But it’s nice to be home.”

“How’s your mom?” You trace aimless patterns over the mat on Aaron’s desk, watching the suede imprint and erase as you go.

He sighs. “She’s alright. I think she’s about ready to kick me out, though.”

“It’s only been three weeks,” you laugh. “Surely you can make yourself useful?”

“I sent in her most recent publication to the journal, so I’ve outgrown my use until I find her a new thesis.”

You can almost see it - the two geniuses, mother and son, bickering over a game of chess or fourteenth-century novel. “Better find her a new thesis, then.”

Spencer’s thin smile is audible through the phone. “Guess so. How are things over there?”

“It’s a little hectic. It’s just me, JJ, Morgan, and Rossi now. Penelope’s still working with us regularly, but counter-terrorism keeps pulling her for ‘special projects,’ whatever that means.”

You don’t mean to guilt him into coming back or anything - you know he needs the time to recharge. He’ll come back when he wants to or feels he needs to but at this point, there’s hardly a difference between four and five agents on the team. You need Aaron. And Emily.

“With the amount of summer task forces coalescing, that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses. “I’ll probably spend a few more weeks here unless there are any developments between now and then.”

By developments, you know it means any confirmed sighting of your target. “That sounds like a plan. We’ll be glad to have you back but take your time. You’ve more than earned it.”

“Thanks.”

+++ august 2011 +++

“How’s Jack?” 

“He’s doing alright,” you tell him. “He misses you.” 

I miss you.

Aaron sighs. There isn’t time for everything he wants to say, even less for the things he could. “I’m probably going to miss his first day.” 

“That’s what I figured.” It's hard to think about and probably going to be harder than you can imagine, especially if there’s a case that takes you away from home. “Jess will take lots of pictures and I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell you all about it when you get home.” 

It’s hard to keep the bitterness from your voice, but neither one of you could have anticipated this would go on for this long. ‘Over the summer’ seems a little abstract until the end of the summer arrives. 

This isn’t his fault. It isn’t. You know that. 

But it’s his fault for going in the first place. 

Conceptual anger isn’t useful. That’s another thing of which you’re keenly aware. 

And yet…

“Thank you for being there for them,” he says, as if he’s reading your mind. “I know this isn’t easy.” 

There’s nothing you can really say, but you hum anyway. 

The pair of you are just eating satellite time now, so you say goodbye and good luck before tipping your head back against his office chair. 

When the tears slip down your cheeks, you’re not sure if you miss him more than you’re mad at him or the other way around. 

+++

“Chief Strauss?” You knock lightly on her door and she beckons you in, just finishing up a phone call. She gestures to the little sitting area in the corner of her office, and you make yourself comfortable on one of the couches.

She hangs up and joins you. “Have you thought more about the offer?”

“I have. Thank you for your patience. I know it’s been a little while since we first spoke about it.”

Erin waves her hands, brushing off the implied apology. “The BAU’s work in the last few weeks has been exemplary. I’m impressed, especially considering the significant funding and personnel obstacles you’re facing at the moment.”

You laugh a little.  “I hope that doesn’t make anyone think working with this many people is acceptable, ma’am.”

“No,” she assures you. “I’ve made that very clear.”

There’s a small moment of silence before you speak again.

“I won’t be accepting the position in Los Angeles.”

Strauss sighs but doesn’t look surprised. “That’s as I expected. I will, however, add something that I did not share with you before to further inform your choice.”

You sit up a little straighter, a little more attentive.

“The push for a transfer is also in an effort to protect your reputation. I know the BAU has continued investigating Ian Doyle and while that is noble, it could go very wrong. And that much is above my head. DHS, ATF, NSA - they could all be upset by your unofficial involvement. This could go as high as Congress and could result in your permanent termination from the bureau, making you ineligible for work in federal law enforcement.”

“Yes, ma’am. High risk, high reward.” You shrug. “Or at least, that’s what Dr. Reid tells me.”

A wan smile pulls at her mouth. “Yes. As long as you’re comfortable with the consequences.”

“I am, ma’am.”

“Good.”

+++ september 2011 +++

“Alright, buddy! You ready to go?” 

Jack adjusts the straps on his little backpack while Jess finishes putting his lunch together. “I’m ready. Just need lunch.” 

“It’s right here!” Jess says, bringing his Captain America lunchbox to him and strapping it to the outside of his backpack. “You’ve got a ham and cheese sandwich, a juice box, some carrots, and a brownie. Does that sound okay?” 

He nods. 

“And if it’s not enough, we can always get some more food after school okay? It can be a special treat.” 

Jack grins and you all head off to the car together. 

+++

The little meltdown arrives when you and Jess move to leave him at the door of his classroom. Jack’s brown eyes get wide and rapidly fill with tears as soon as you take a step away from him. 

“Jack, baby, c’mere.” You drop to your knee and open your arms. He steps into them and you can feel his shaky, hiccuping breaths against your shoulder. 

While you hold him, you hear Jess debriefing his new teacher about their current situation, and the way things are in general. Dad in Pakistan, dead mom, goes by Jack rather than Jonathan, the whole nine. 

“You are so brave,” you whisper into his hair. “You are so smart. You are a good friend and you are safe.” 

He nods. 

“I’m so sorry your dad can’t be here, honey, but he’s going to be so excited to hear all about it as soon as he gets home. And I'll tell him how brave you are on our next secret superhero phone call.” 

‘Secret superhero phone call’ was the best way you could describe using the sat phone (and why Jack couldn't talk to Aaron himself) so you just went with it. 

Jack nods again, sniffling a little and pulling back. You reach for him, wiping his tears with your thumbs. 

“I love you so much, bud.” 

“I love you, too.” 

You kiss his forehead, reminding him, “I might have to get on a plane for work, but otherwise I’ll see you after you’re done with your first-ever day of school, okay? This is so exciting!”

He finally smiles, and your work is done. When he steps into the classroom, he doesn’t look back.

+++

Thankfully, you’re not pulled for another case until the end of the week, so you’re able to see Jack through his first-ever week of school. 

It hits you more than once that you’re the person next to Jess right now while he hits these milestones. Long gone is that toddler that would giggle in his mother’s arms as she danced around the living room to Hall and Oates. In his place is an insightful little boy with a rapidly burgeoning sense of humor and a wickedly kind smile. 

You love him.

+++ 

The entire team got an emergency call, so you're all gathered in the roundtable room when Aaron walks in, looking all the worse for wear and -

Is that a beard?

Wait. He’s back. 

You just spoke to him on Monday, with news of a “few more weeks,” even in the face of developments on the Doyle case.

Fucking bastard knew he was coming home, didn’t he?

All of your joy in seeing him evaporates, and you narrow your eyes at him. Just like the last time you were in this room together, there’s an apology in his gaze. 

“Welcome back.” Derek doesn’t sound surprised, and your head whips toward him. He doesn’t look at you. 

Unbelievable. 

“Thanks. Everyone, have a seat.” You follow Aaron’s instructions, and sit, crossing your arms. It’s childish, sure, but the balance of personal and professional life has flown out the window. 

This feels like a personal slight, rather than a professional one. You try to push it away, but it lingers in your sternum like a lit flare. It’s uncomfortable, and you hate it. 

“Why?” Derek sounds a little concerned. Your anger cools a little bit. Derek doesn't actually know anything. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“Seven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.” You notice, brow furrowed, that JJ stands beside Hotch like an ally. They both have odd looks on their faces. “As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle.”

No. 

“The doctors were able to stabilize her. She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.” 

No. 

“Her identity was strictly need-to-know. She stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.” 

No. 

There’s silence, and you can’t tear your eyes from Aaron.  

“She’s alive?”

“We buried her...” 

Penelope and Spencer’s comments rush past you and you feel much like you did in the waiting room on that horrible, horrible night seven months ago. 

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.” 

His eyes finally meet yours, and you find your vision blurred. You blink away your tears. 

It was a necessary lie. 

You go into this business expecting to be lied to. 

Not by Aaron. 

That’s not the issue and you know it. He left. 

He missed Jack’s first day of school. He was gone for five months. 

He left us. 

“Any issues?” Derek’s disbelief is marred by hurt, but you can’t reassure him through your own shock. “Yeah, I got issues.”

He’s cut off by Penelope’s glance toward the doorway. 

The team, save for JJ and Hotch, rushes toward her. You’re stuck to your seat until she approaches you. At her touch, you come back to life, throwing yourself into her arms. Her name sounds strangled leaving your mouth. “Emily.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Her grip on you is tight, but your arms, looped around her shoulders, don’t feel like they’re attached to your body. 

She lets you go and continues to speak. Derek’s frozen, and you can’t imagine for a minute what’s going on in his head. Emily wraps around him. He’s stock still, his eyes misty. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding when he brings his hand to her shoulder, his cheek falling onto the side of her head. 

It’s back to business faster than you can blink, and now you’re sure you’re not the only one ready to kill Aaron where he stands. Derek is livid. 

They stare at each other while Spencer starts asking questions. Eventually, they focus back. Aaron crosses to you, contributing where necessary. 

You don’t acknowledge him. It’s horrible. You hate being so angry with him, but there’s nothing to be done. 

You can’t be upset at him about Emily. There’s too much to understand, and yet the initial shock of it is like a never-ending bucket of cold water poured over your body. 

Selfishly, you realize you’re upset with him because he didn’t tell you he was coming home. It’s so small when there are other, much bigger, issues to address. 

Emily’s lie is professional. Just part of the job. This one feels personal.

You’re a child. Let it go. 

He knew and he left. 

He missed Haley's birthday.

He knew and he left. 

He shouldn't have gone. 

He didn’t tell you he was coming home.

[simplehombre]

I posted 2,705 times in 2021

20 posts created (1%)

2685 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 134.3 posts.

I added 30 tags in 2021

#gpoy - 7 posts

#gay - 6 posts

#me - 6 posts

#dog - 4 posts

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Longest Tag: 42 characters

#the absolute unbridled joy this brought me

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Liked my butt in these 🥰

23 notes • Posted 2021-04-14 12:33:29 GMT

#4

27 notes • Posted 2021-10-06 12:21:25 GMT

#3

GM

31 notes • Posted 2021-05-13 10:12:54 GMT

#2

You 30? and on tumblr? Store you semen in my bussy capsule, it'll be your legacy. May you always be remembered, I promise I will always have something to remember you by.

Oh, anon. This made my day!

39 notes • Posted 2021-04-09 03:25:07 GMT

#1

Twitter’s degradation of photos is a travesty the likes of which have not been seen for millennia.

40 notes • Posted 2021-05-27 11:33:03 GMT

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