#2012 old me would still be proud of myself

[wehelddarkness]

x

[ffc1cb]

new art blog

the short version:

1. i made a new art blog: @cbge;

2. @ffc1cb will stay up as an archive.

the long version:

hi everyone. this announcement is somewhat late, since the blog in question has been up for a few months now, and i’ve already started posting art on it. the reason it took me so long to “reveal” it is because i’ve been trying to figure out whether a new blog is something i actually want, or if it's just me throwing darts at a board, trying to make myself feel better somehow.

i don’t know when precisely it all started, but ever since sometime last year i’ve been going through a hard time, both emotionally and creatively. i’m not sure whether being depressed is what made art harder, or art becoming harder is what made me depressed (a bit of both, i think), but lately, drawing has been a struggle. 

i’ve found myself having less and less energy for art, and this lack of energy resulted in poorer quality of drawings, which resulted in me feeling like i’m getting worse at it, despite my efforts. i knew i could make good art, art that i’m proud of - i’ve done so countless times before, - but somehow it felt like i just couldn’t anymore, like my hands forgot how to. nothing looked right. 

i’ve been trying to experiment. i’ve learned some new things, tried this and that - it was enlightening, to say the least, and even though i kind of liked how it looked, it made me feel a sense of displacement. i was at odds with myself, my art, and how i felt about it, when previously i was always in sync. i was making art, yes, and it looked nice, but it felt like it wasn’t mine.

i suppose part of it was also the growing lack of engagement, and i don’t mean likes and reblogs - i never particularly cared about those. they are all just numbers to me; dry and impersonal. what i’m talking about is actual, human interactions: personal thoughts in tags, asks, replies, etc. a conversation. 

i don’t mean to sound “old” or anything, but i remember when talking to artists online was more commonplace. my wife tells me it’s because the internet culture has changed over the years, that people have become more reclusive, less willing to be open with their thoughts, and she's probably right, but in my slump i find it hard to believe. somehow it feels like it’s my fault for being less “engaging”, for seeming unapproachable or perhaps intimidating. maybe it’s “just a skill issue”, maybe it’s because i have stopped churning out fanart for popular fandoms, maybe it’s because i refuse to torture myself emotionally by having an art account on twitter (i can’t fucking stand the place anymore; i still post nsfw art there, but only because it’s literally one of the only places on the internet that allows you to do so. i miss when you could post female presenting tits on tumblr).

i have always, ever since i started posting art on the internet back in 2012, done it for human connection. i wanted to talk to people, and have people talk to me. i wanted to inspire people with my art, and i wanted to bring them comfort. i wanted to elicit an emotional response, and have people tell me about it. it was one of the main reasons i drew in the first place; having lost that, i’ve been struggling to stay passionate about making art.

i miss being a small artist on the internet during the 2010s. i remember when i could make a post going, “hey everyone, how are you all doing today?” and it would not seem weird to people in the slightest. it is just me? does anyone else feel that way? am i too deep in my own head? the internet feels so unwelcoming nowadays, especially to artists. we are all just content machines; people scroll by our stuff, or maybe look at it for half a second and leave a like before scrolling away. i know it’s unfair to demand people’s attention, especially now when our lives are already so overwhelmed by everything - no one has the energy to pay closer attention; i myself am not immune to mindless scrolling. but it feels bad. i wish we were all sincere and enthusiastic again.

anyway (sorry for rambling. i hope i haven’t bored you to death), you might want to say, okay, but how is making a new art blog on a “dying” social platform going to help with any of that? the truth is, i don’t know. i just felt like i needed a change. 

i’ve been running this blog since 2016 (that’s almost 8 full years!). i feel incredibly attached to it, but at the same time, i feel it weighing me down. 

there are people who followed me years ago for one specific thing, still expecting me to post about said thing (i still find it mindboggling that some people follow artists for a specific fandom only, but that is a whole other matter for a whole other post that i will never write). a third, if not half, of my following are probably dead blogs. and with my current struggle with trying to regain the joy i once felt for making art, looking back at all the art i’ve done over the years makes me feel tired. i still love it all; it’s all very dear to me. i’m proud of it; looking at it makes me mourn my younger and more passionate self.

so i’ve decided to make a new blog, where i will let myself post whatever i want, in whatever stage of donness i feel like. maybe it will help me, somehow. maybe it won’t. but if you care about my art, if you want to keep following me on my artistic journey, i welcome you to join me there. similarly, feel free not to - no hard feelings.

thank you everyone for your support over the years; it matters a lot to me. i’m not planning to delete or private this blog; it will stay up, and i will still be reachable on here. i will still answer asks, if there will be any. i’m just not planning to post any art here anymore. this is it for my dear old friend ffc1cb.

i can be found in other places:

@cbge, as mentioned earlier,

@k0nstanta, an art blog dedicated solely to my wife and i’s ocs,

@inquisimail, a dragon age ask blog that has become my dragon age sideblog in general,

and multiple other blogs, none of which are art related, but feel free to ask, if you’re curious.

thank you very much for reading all of this. i hope you have a wonderful day.

[skibasyndrome]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thank you so much @darktwistedgenderplural, @wilmonsfolklore, @iwouldnevergetintofanfic & @earlgrey-lateatnight for tagging me in this!!!! This is so much fun!!! 💜💜💜💜💜

How many works do you have on Ao3?

17! (but only 12 of those "count", the other 5 are 6+ years old)

What's your total Ao3 word count?

107,628

What fandoms do you write for?

Young Royals

Top five fics by kudos

You crave the Applause / Yet hate the Attention

Lavender Haze

It's in the water, baby

Never Letting You Go

Close, Closer

Do you respond to comments?

Yessssss, I really want to reply to every comment I get because I appreciate people taking their time to write them a lot, but sadly I've been super busy this semester and so there are quite a few still waiting to be responded to. But!!! I've seen them, I have and continue to feel over the moon about them and some day you'll all get your replies!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If we're only talking about the current fandom... none? I don't think I've ever given anything an angst ending. I don't even know if I'd be able to do that with Wilmon

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

By that logic, all the rest lmao. I think the ending that made me personally most giddy/happy for my blorbos was probably Lavender Haze because the potential, the big feelings that don't have a name yet, the I-really-wanna-see-you-again of it all? Yeah that one feels the happiest.

Do you get hate on fics?

Not usually, no. Although I had one salty anon who apparently thinks writing about characters being attracted to each other qualifies as fetishizing the actors? Lot to unpack there.

Do you write smut?

Yepppp

Craziest crossover:

I don't think I've ever written anything that could be considered a crossover

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeah, in the early days of me writing fics people would go around and just... copy a whole fic and post it to their blog instead?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I get comments asking me if people can translate my fics, but I haven't seen a translation thus far, no.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Would love to try it some time though

All time favourite ship?

Wilmon all the waaaaayyy

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ugh the list is so long. One thing that I'd LOVE to write but I'm just not sure I've got it in me worldbuilding-wise is a fic where wilmon are ancient greek heroes to be

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told that "filth with feelings" is one of my strengths. Oh and some of my favorite compliments have been ones that said I was good at really getting into a character's (let's be real, it's Wille's) psyche

What are your writing weaknesses?

How long do you have lmao? Idk where to start, hmm. I think I just always question myself and every choice a little too much in general, I have a very weird mix of perfectionism and impatience going on, I start too many new things before old ones are finished, my English isn't as good as it could be, I don't know when to stop rambling...

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I really don't see why you wouldn't use it. I think it's a nice little touch, at least I like it a lot on YR fanfic. It needs to make sense of course, but why not have a casual little "nej" somewhere, I think that's fun!

First fandom you wrote in?

One Direction, in ye olden days (2012) lol

Favourite fic you've written?

Oh this is difficuuuuult, aaaaah. But tbh I like Lavender Haze and the sequel All this shit is new to me a lot. Those are my sweet, sweet babies, because, I think I've said this before, this is my first multichaptered Wilmon fic that isn't "just" pwalp (=porn with a little plot) and I feel like I get to try myself out a lot with All this shit. I like the process of writing it and as for Lavender Haze, there are just some tiny elements in there that I feel immensely proud of.

I'm gonna (very much no pressure) tag @grapehyasynth, @oneofthosebells, @toffeelemon, @goldenwilmon & @piebingo and anyone else who sees this and hasn't been tagged yet (and if I'm double-tagging, apologies!) 💜

[fabuloustrash05]

What is your honest opinion on the TMNT 2012 girls? In my opinion I don't understand a lot of the hate they get and they weren't even horrible or that badly writen. Yeah there were flaws in their writing but so did the other male characters have it as well.

I love all the girls! Some more than others. They all have their good qualities and I will admit even my favorites have flaws, but I blame the writer's more than the characters themselves.

This took awhile to put together and get my honest thoughts through, but here it is! Here’s my opinion of the TMNT 2012 Girls: April, Karai, Irma, Renet, Mona Lisa, Shinigami and Alopex!

April O'Neil

My opinion of April has changed throughout the years. As a kid first watching the series I felt indifferent towards her (I didn’t hate her but I also didn’t like her), then when the series was over I grew salty and began to hate her on rewatch. I became a toxic person because of my hatred for 2012 April, but lately I’ve grown to like her and appreciate her for the good things she’s done. I’m proud of her for how far she’s come in her ninja training. I think most of that change came from how ridiculously hated she is in the fandom when honestly she doesn’t deserve that hate. She's not the best or the perfect character, but some people make it their religion to hate on her and it's pathetic. I realized how toxic 2012 April haters are and I wanted to distance myself from that and I began to chat with 2012 April fans and things got better for me and my opinion of her change to something more positive.

My biggest problem with April still to this day is her relationship with Donnie and how it was handled. I disagree when people say she was manipulative towards Donnie and Casey cause honestly I can understand that she feels uncomfortable and awkward in this situation these boys put her in and is conflicted on how she should handle it, because in the end she is only a 16 year old girl and both Donnie and Casey are still her friends that she cares about. Now her kissing Donnie at the farmhouse, I was mad at her for, but that was a dumb decision on the writer's end. That choice made it come off that April is leading him on, but honestly Donnie is not perfect either and he is just as bad when is comes to this relationship, but this post isn't about Apritello, it’s about April. If you wanna know how I would've handle Donnie and April's romance, you can check it out HERE.

I fully blame the writer's on this one, but I feel April's plot with her family's connection to the Kraang, her mom missing, and her being a half Kraang herself was totally wasted and forgotten by the 3rd season. They were doing good build up to it but then I feel they completely dropped it and forgot about it by season 4 and onward. My guess is the writer's didn't know where to go on from there so they just ignored it for the rest of the series hoping we wouldn't notice. Her have psychic powers is cool but feels totally random and out of place at times. Yeah, Kraang Prime has psychic powers too but most of April's Kraang heritage plot often leaves more questions than answers. Another thing is I wish she was given more Kraang features as the series progressed. I see a lot of fans today draw her with Kraang like eyes or tentacles coming out of her head and neck and it looks really cool! Let my girl embrace her alien side!!

Karai

She used to be my all time favorite character in the series, her intro episode is what got me into fully watching the rest of the series. So I thank Karai for being the reason I really got into TMNT. I loved her, but after rewatching the show a few times, I would see her choices and just wonder “what the hell was she thinking?” She does so many dumb decisions as the series goes on and it begins frustrate me. She had two opportunities to go back to her real father and be a family with him and her turtle brothers, but instead she is blinded by her vendetta against Shredder and wants to overthrow his empire. Now that is a cool concept, Karai taking over the Foot, but when she returned in season 4 it just feels out of no where and I feel I skip a whole arc or season. I wish they gave her more time to grow and we see her come to this decision instead of it just happening. Side note, but I love how even before the reveal, Karai acts like a teasing older sister towards the Turtles. Her dynamic with Donnie, Raph and Mikey is rare to see but you can see that they care about her and she cares about them too and I love it.

Her snake form was very cool and had a creative design, though that whole arc of trying to find her and then her being brainwashed was pointless filler, such a waste of time. How she out of no where mastered her turning from human to snake at will was so random. The whole brainwashed Karai arc in general didn't need to happened!

I feel I'm obligated to talk about it, but Karai's biggest flaw, as well as it being TMNT 2012's worst quality, was her relationship with Leo. What were they thinking with that shit?! If they wanted Leo to have a crush on the enemy that's fine! That can be good drama, but why then throw in the twist that his crush is also his sister and continue to push a romance between them in the same episode when they are acknowledged as being family?!! Such wasted potential for them to just be enemies who respect one another that grows into a friendly rivalry that becomes two siblings looking out for one another, but still like to get on each other's nerves. Beside that mess, her and Leo do have a fun and good dynamic, when it isn't being ruined with forced uncomfortable romance. I also wanna add I like her dynamic with April and parallels between the two girls. Overall, I like Karai, but she could've been better.

Irma/Rook

I'm adding "Irma" to the list cause she counted as a character for a short while before the twist and she did technically come back in season 4. I liked Irma, she was funny, quirky, and her dynamic with April and Casey was fun to watch. I liked her banter with Casey, it always made me laugh. I'm honestly still disappointed that it was revealed Irma was not even Irma but was just a robot controlled by Kraang Sub Prime. All that hope to see Irma befriend the Turtles was destroy for me.

I am glad they were able to find a way to bring back Irma in the form of the Utrom Rook in season 4. She had little screen time but she always stuck out to me for some reason. Also, wasted potential of not having April meet Rook and for her to have a heart to heart with her about the friend lost because Rook looks like her old best friend.

I actually did a whole rewrite of how I would've handle the Irma is robot twist and still keep her as a character: LINK.

Renet Tilley

I love her so much! She's funny, entertaining and a total sweetheart. I love how she's a very bubbly and overall kind person but isn't afraid to punch someone right in the face. I like how she's perceived as dumb and naïve but is actually very smart and is usually the one saving the Turtle's from certain doom. I also love the little detail of her having a gap in her teeth. Really brings out the childish nature to her character. My favorite part about Renet is how much of a fangirl she is, literally representing the entire TMNT fandom. From first meeting them Renet has so much faith and trust in the Turtles because of what she's read about them in her history books. They are her heroes, she believes in them and knows in the end they'll save the day. The very concept of the Turtles befriend a time traveler from the future was another thing that was underused and could've open the door to so many cool new stories and adventures, but like many characters, she was underused and only came back when need, like for a Halloween special of all things. I'm really surprised Mikey or any of the Turtles didn’t mentioned her after the Earth was destroyed by the Black Hole Generation, remembering what she told them about how they've saved the world so many times.

I know some people find controversy with her romantic relationship with Mikey nowadays because of them both being from different time periods, but I still find their dynamic very sweet and entertaining to watch. As best friends or as romantic partners, you got to admit that they are fun to see together. She understands Mikey and never judges him for his weird antics/ideas and Mikey finds her quirkiness adoring and always makes sure she is safe.

A little nitpick I have is with her character design, mainly when we see her without her helmet. Her hair model design doesn't look good, like it looks like she's wearing a wig that they just slapped on her at the last minute. Which sucks cause in her concept sketches her hair looks very good, with having a more proper hair line, but since the braid crown is playing as her hairline in the 3D model it doesn't look good.

Also, technically Renet is the most powerful ally the Turtles have because of her weapon alone. Why does no one talk about that?? The Turtles are lucky that Renet is on their side.

Mona Lisa/Y'gythgba

SHE IS MY QUEEN AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! <3

Next to April, Mona Lisa also gets a lot of unnecessary hate, but I know why she gets hate. It those toxic whiney Raphael fangirls who can't accept the fact that he's fictional and is happy with an actual girlfriend so now they can't have him or ship him with their self insert Mary Sue OCs. A true Raphael fangirl, like myself, would be happy for Raph that he found someone who loves and respects him for who he is.

It's already obvious that Mona was another underused character in this series. I absolutely LOVE the space arc in season 4, but the concept of the Salamandrians, though cool, were very underused despite the Turtles fighting a Salamandiran before (Newtrailzer). If you ask me, Mona and Sal should've been more present during the space arc and they should've been there helping the Turtles when they were fighting the Triceratons on Earth at the end of the arc. This choice could've given the writer's the opening for Mona to start living on Earth sooner and join the Mighty Mutanimals during mid season 4 instead of saying she joined the Mutanimals in season 5 but never see her with them! (I'm still so mad that they got our hopes up that we'd see Mona interact/become friends with the Mutanimals only to find out that we will never see her again after When Worlds Collide) I have actually wrote a whole post on how I would've included Mona in more episodes, give her more time in the spotlight and her joining the Mutanimals sooner: LINK.

Mona being a lieutenant for the Salamandiran army already says a lot about who she is and what she has been through. You cannot tell me that this woman as killed people and has war trauma! Mona is an interesting character and her personality clashes well with Raph's, even before they became a couple, them butting heads shows what kind of person Mona is. She can be short tempered and stubborn like him and would often jump to conclusions, a fight first ask question later kind of gal. She loves to fight and is a very strong and skilled warrior. She is loyal to those she looks up to and respects like her commander and is a rule follower, but sometimes she loses control of herself and steps out of line, to which her commander has to hold her back. She cares deeply about the ones she's close to and especially shows how much she loves and cares for Raph. Most fans result her to just being a love interest, but she's still her own character and grows as a person from being with Raph. Honestly the push up scene was one of her highlights, not only for being hilarious and showing how in love she is with Raph, but also showing that she's more than a strict serious lieutenant. That scene reminds us that she's still a teenager and is acting her age, even she can't help but break her serious military persona once in a while.

I absolutely adore her and I'm so happy more fans today are growing to love her as much as I do! She's such a great character and its ashamed that we didn't get to see more of her in the show, but I'm happy with what I got.

Shinigami

My only criticism I have of her is that she is underused (I know I say that a lot) and I really dislike that she was forced shipped with Mikey. It was the most pointless decision they did for her character. You can just tell the writer's didn't know what to do with her so the made her a love interest as well thinking that would make her more interesting. That was a dumb decision. Her and Mikey are not a good match for many reasons I won't get into, but here's what they should've done:

Not ship her with anyone cause we already had enough love interests by the time she entered the show.

Ship her with Leo instead of making him crush on his freaking sister. They already wanted him to have a crush on a female ninja from the Foot Clan who's a bad girl, why couldn't they hold it off until he met Shini instead of Karai?

Ship her with Casey as a way to give Casey a happy ending after that whole love triangle drama.

Ship her with Karai cause they were obviously already dating in the show! Shinirai forever!!

Regardless of that poor decision, I love Shini, her design is very gorgeous and creative, and her concept of being a witch brings something new to the series with magic and illusions. I feel there has been wasted potential with her not being involved during the Kavaxas arc, cause come on, she's a witch who specializes in dark magic. Why didn't they have her be attached to the Kavaxas cult in some way? Or have her know about Kavaxas and help the team stop him? Honestly I was convinced at one point that Shini was going to be a surprise villain and she was secretly loyal to Shredder not Karai and betray her during the finale. I made a whole post about it actually LINK.

Overall, I love Shinigami! Next to Mona Lisa she is one of my favorite female characters. I love seeing her teasing April and the others, especially towards her enemies, treating a battle like its nothing more than a game to her. Her loyalty and romance friendship with Karai I adore. She is such a fun character and underrated too if you ask me.

Alopex

She stole the show and she was only in one episode! Once again, another underused female character. Alopex is technically (not counting April) the first female mutant on the show (not counting Karai cause she's able to turn back), and we only get one episode with her. That should be consider a crime, but the episode she was in, she made a damn good impression. We learn of her and Tiger Claw's tragic backstory and you grow to understand why she is so hatful towards her brother for the life he put her through and him supposedly killing their parents. She establishes herself as a badass and continues to prove she is a badass throughout the episode. The way she cut off her brother's tail and later is arm without a second thought and then leaves shows shows how ruthless she is, but her sparring him also shows her compassion and her hope that one day her and Tiger Claw can be a family again.

Her line "Just remember, I could have taken your life" sent chills down my spine when I first heard it.

My biggest complaint is WHY didn't they bring Alopex back during the Kavaxas arc in season 5?! How cool would it have been if the Turtles recruited and teamed up with Alopex to take down her brother!

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Hi,

I’m really happy to come across your page and bringing awareness and learning your bio pinned up.

I came across one of your posts talking about pro-ana. I had an account on here around 2016, and I remember getting messages from a girl who was about 2 years younger than me. She asked me if I could help her starve herself to reach her goal. But I refused and told her she shouldn’t be doing this. She didn’t like the response I gave and started calling me fake and many hateful words. So after that, I decided to delete my Tumblr account because you never know who seeing these posts, especially someone super young. I’ve never in my life would want to help someone go through the same struggle I went through.

I’ve been though recovery for about 5-years now, although it’s been 5 years and going through treatments and group therapy. While I was there, I thought my ed would go away and I would forget about it. I’ve realize we can’t burn those memories and till this day I still struggle with my ed thoughts. But what I can do is not let those thoughts fuck with me again.

I'm now back on Tumblr after a long time and now posting and reposting this for the better and things I'm interested in!

Again, thank you for spreading awareness and I'm so proud that you are here now ❤️

Thank you for this kind message; when I had a pro ana blog I thought I wasn't harming anyone but myself because I didn't use tags and stuff like that; never posted body checks or calorie counts/exercise routines, "ana diets," etc, but one day a 15 year old follower of mine asked me to be her "ana buddy" because I reached such a low "goal weight" and she wanted to be as thin as me. I cried my ass off, hating that me and my blog made other people suffer because of my ignorance to the harm I was doing. I told her to get help and deleted my blog the same day(back in 2011). I then started my main blog and anti pro ana blog, which feature my struggles throughout the years in a non-promotional way while encouraging recovery to everyone. I've been in and out in recovery since 2012. You're right- the thoughts never really go away. I'm working with my psychiatrist, trauma therapist, and a full team of varied physical doctors and treatments to try and get my mind and body in a better place since 13 years of Anorexia has caused me so much harm. That's why I call out pro anas and report when I can, because even if they don't use tags or suggest starving to others it's still harmful for other to come across, especially young people because the algorithm will promote your blog to others even if you don't. There used to be a much bigger "anti pro ana community" on here, but most have left- I'm hoping because they're taking better care of themselves. Taking a break from Tumblr when you used it to fuel your ED is always a good idea on recovery, especially at first. I'm proud of you too; keep up the great work!

[mamuzzy]

Okay, my temporary-brainfuckery is over, I'm kind of hyped now about the new year and can look back at 2023 with much more contentment. So I jumped on the train of doing Art Summary too :))) (template HERE)

Yeah, what the fuck did I do in the first half of the year... honestly, I don't remember. No, really, I can't remember...

My sketchbook can be dated back to 2021 with some old Touken Ranbu and merfolk sketches, but I don't remember actually opening it this year until june...

...and guys, I actually have only a few pages left to fill!!!! I kind of proud of myself. Joining into TCW fandom really did wonders with my creativity and productivity.

I'll get sappy with this probably, but the existence of this blog, a filled up sketchbook in my hand is the very proof that I exist. When bdick fucks me in the brain, I can't remember having these wonderful memories of creating but when my mind clears from the fog, I come up here, looking at my little fortress, looking at my silly doodles, I don't feel that I have to build up everything from the start, and I actually managed to create a safe-place for myself that welcomes me back when I return from those dark places. My art maybe not visually pleasing, my anatomy is shit, but they are mine and most importantly THEY EXIST.

❀ My artistic plans for the future in this blog... ❀ ❀ To continue creating: daily doodles. Not sure about uploading it daily but maybe making compilations from my sketchbook from time-to-time. I'm expecting to have a more relaxed job time-wise, also I'm on a medication now due to my migraines, maybe I won't spend half of my year sleeping just escape from the pain. ❀ Creating character bios for my OC's. ❀ Participating in events/doing challenges: The whole concept is scary for me because deadlines are stressing me out, and I'm a slow artist.

❀ One of the self-made challenge: Redraw my sketchbook from 2012-2014. I probably mentioned that I've found it some time ago and actually chickened out from uploading them because most of the sketches in them are quite... hmm... bpd related without me knowing I had bpd back then (also i don't want them to hide under cut because then what's the point of uploading???). But it would be interesting to redesign them and make a comparison post about it.

❀ be more authentic with my art: my original plan with this blog was to use art to heal myself, and while drawing funny stuff is great, I still believe I'm self-censoring myself both in art and both in personal posts just like I'm masking in real life and it's. fucking. exhausting. My mental fuckery is a part of my life, part of me.

❀ Writing short stories: TCW, TBB, RepComm, million ideas in my head.

❀ Getting started on my Deadshot story: A multichaptered longfic starting from Umbara arc (I wrote ARC again), following the canon events but will deviate at some points.

❀ Getting started on my urban fantasy Coruscant Guard Story.

I could go on but I don't want to set unrealistic and unachievable goals either. YEAR JUST STARTED AND IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!

Thank you for hanging out with me in 2023, thank you for giving me a chance with those prompt-games and requests. I love you guys.

[beenbaanbuun]

i’m gonna talk about things i like in varying amounts of detail bc life is overwhelming and thinking and talking about them actually really helps sometimes!

alton towers

okay so i made a 100+ page powerpoint on alton towers which i would give everyone access to but i can’t because i don’t know how to make myself anonymous as the creator and i’m not about to dox myself…

ANYWAY!!! alton towers is a theme park in staffordshire england! it’s the biggest theme park in the uk, tied for highest number of coasters (10) but way larger in terms of actual area of the park. it’s built on the grounds of a stately home that used to be owned by the earl of shrewsbury! a dark ride is actually based off of a local legend involving one of the earls. it’s called hex and it’s a vekoma madhouse and while i could go into so much detail about both the story and vekoma madhouses (because they’re an excellent piece of engineering that genuinely make me so happy to talk about) i have so much more to talk about and i don’t want this post to be miles long!

the oldest coaster there currently is nemesis: reborn which first opened in 1994 under the name nemesis. she was the first b&m inverted coaster to be built outside of the us and, like most alton towers coasters, was built specifically to fit the contours of the land. due to height restrictions set in place by the local council, alton towers cannot built any coasters above tree level so as not to be seen outside of the park. to combat this, alton towers actually build down and nemesis is a perfect example of them doing this. they quarried out the land first and used the removed rocks elsewhere in the park for theming (most notably in the katanga canyon theming!!). in november 2022 (at the end of the theme park season that runs from march-november), nemesis was closed for a refurbishment. she remained closed throughout 2023 and reopened in march 2024 under the new name. more theming was added, tracks were replaced to make them more durable and she also got a lick of paint to keep up with the updated lore! nemesis sub-terra, the dark ride that was opened in 2012 before promptly shutting in 2015, has even been reinstated and actors are scattered around this section of the park to keep things feeling alive.

there’s so much more to talk about for alton towers but i’ll keep it short and sweet! if anyone wants to ask any questions about it (or anything on here for that matter) then feel free to drop into my inbox! i’m happy to talk about any of these things more!!

five nights at freddy’s

specifically security breach actually…

which i get is not a popular opinion because the game was broken as fuck when it first came out but guys! the aesthetic!! the story!!! the open world!!!! MY FAVOURITE FATHER FIGURE GLAMROCK FREDDY!!!!! i don’t have a good relationship with my parents and glamrock freddy???? he fixed that. he cured me!!

anyway, that’s not important rn, i got distracted. i just love this game guys :((( it’s not necessarily scary but it is fun and the characters mean the world to me so genuinely. i laugh every time i see a ‘freddy! you’re supposed to be on lockdown’ meme because they’re so funny to me. i am doing things with this franchise rn that confuses even the likes of me (no spoilies though)!! and while no fnaf lore will ever make sense to me (especially not with the addition of AR… huh?!?) i still love the franchise and everything to do with it!!

bring me the horizon

shut up and let me ramble about the band that changed my life when i was a lonely little 12 year old!! i mean that so genuinely too, these guys have done so much for me and my personality and that is not a good thing but it’s certainly a thing. theyre the reason i’m an insufferable little emo and they have to face the consequences!!

and i’m not gonna say too much about them because i’ll never be able to express all my thoughts and feelings to the extent that i want to. i do however want to say that i’m proud to live where i live because of them. i’m proud of my accent because of them. i’m 90% sure i saw oli outside of a charli xcx concert in 2022 but that’s kind of irrelevant to my whole point. basically, they made me who i am today and you have them to thank for a lot!

(i literally wore my nex gen tshirt today and it was cool and epic)

this is it for now but there will be more in the future when it is not 2:20am and i am not on the verge of passing out!!!

[aquariumgirls]

vei lorepost. (tldr at the end before the cat picture. also this is a huge vent about how being on the internet so young (i was seven) damaged me as a person in a way that i fear may never be truly fixable and also i hate myself)

when i was young (like seven. i was on the internet too young) it was the ship and let ship/dont like dont read era of the internet. being a small child with autism i wanted to consume as much content related to the things i liked as possible, and ended up stumbling upon spaces i should not have been in nor been able to access at my age.

most of them were pertaining to things that i know understand are problematic. it damaged me fundamentally, as i only exited those spaces and realized all the things that i thought were normal were wrong, when i was 13 years old. it was traumatizing for me. it desensitized me to things that i should not be desensitized to. things that are disgusting to me now. and it fucking sucks when people say that fiction doesn't affect reality, because it absolutely fucking does. i am literal proof of that.

when i was eleven, i got my friend into undertale. it was the early days of the fandom, and i liked it because i had watched a youtuber play the demo of the game a few years prior. certain ships were popular. because i was eleven, i thought certain things were normal, and i was in nsfw spaces despite being so young, because it was practically everywhere.

when my friend got into it, she also got into one of the most popular problematic ships. she gave me a nickname pertaining to it, and despite me not knowing why, i was ashamed and embarrassed when she would call me that.

i (obviously) am not pr*ship. i am not neutral, either. i resent pr*shippers because people like them normalized things for me and exposed me to things that i should not have seen, and that should not have been normalized. i still get intrusive thoughts about it. i still feel ashamed of who i used to be. i still feel disgusted with myself when i have said intrusive thoughts. i am in therapy, and it took me a while to realize that it was traumatizing. i didn't just see gross fictional content, i saw real gore, shock videos that made me nauseous, videos from depraved people that i watched on a dare, among other things.

my first anime was hetalia, which im very much NOT proud of. you can imagine the shit i saw in 2011/2012/2013. i also had homestuck as a special interest until i was around sixteen, and by then i had been actively trying to avoid it for about a year.

basically: fiction affects reality and i am legitimately traumatized because of it. to be real i havent told anyone this. im afraid of being judged. i dont want people to think im like the people who exposed me to traumatizing and damaging content when i was little. these things make me physically nauseous with shame. you obviously dont have to read this post because its long as hell but i know that some people my age have probably had similar experiences. i dont call myself an anti anymore because im nineteen years old, but i deeply DEEPLY resent and hate pr*shippers. i also know that some of them are coping in unhealthy ways. but it doesn't change the fact that they exposed me to things i shouldnt have seen when i was a young, impressionable child, and it doesn't change the fact that they're still doing it now.

i am in therapy. i avoid and block every pr*shipper i see and religiously scour blogs to make SURE they aren't one. anytime a blog i like gets exposed for being one in secret, i feel sick.

i was in those damaging spaces longer than ive been out of them and sometimes i think that ill be damaged like this forever. ive done things im not proud of. things that make me so ashamed that i throw up. sometimes i wish i could wipe my memory from up until i was 13. i dont think ill keep this post up very long because frankly i dont want people to think im some sort of freak or whatever, but ive been thinking about this recently and i need to say it to SOMEONE before i go fucking crazy.

tldr: i was in pr*ship spaces until i figured out that shit was wrong and by then i was already 13 (in eighth grade) and by then the damage was already done and now im left with trauma, intrusive thoughts that make me physically nauseous, and a fear that im actually secretly like the people who exposed me to those traumatizing things.

cat photo to thank you for reading.

[killuaisaprincess]

THREE YEARS OF WRITING 🧁 (or close enough!)

Lemme start by saying I am tired. One hater takes enough out of me, I have ADD hypersensitivity, so yeah, still kinda recovering!

I wanted to make this something super happy! And actually on time, but literally, one day later, today some asshole wants to show up in my tumblr inbox and complain? And it was about the old me! So I'm doing it early! I’m here to celebrate my growth! Fuck them! Lol 🖕🎉

They were basically, oh, you’re not Q! You’ve fallen off! No, I’m not! Q is dead! And Q was never truly entirely me! I will always be grateful if she hadn’t taken the first step, I wouldn’t be here, but Q got scared even writing the simple niche of Gon carrying Ki more than once! I still remember that authors note Q wrote apologizing! I wanna laugh at her! Like she owed anyone anything! It was like her fourth fic, I think.

I get her, part of her still lies in me! Like I’m sorry to that person you’re so insecure and pathetic that someone changing and growing into a confident person who writes what she totally likes full on indulgence! Bothers you! She was always in there okie! She was just scared! 

Creating Qutie was the first step. And I’m proud of her and how far she’s come! I don’t care anymore if everyone hates me! I know most probs do! I am confident and happy about my presence here! And love that I can speak up without fearing anymore! Realizing I don’t fit! Or belong with the fandom was the best thing that ever happened to me! I don’t forgive the og hater/stalker and made me poof Q, but I am actually thankful to them. 

My third year anniversary of writing is coming up on Sept, 4! 

And I probs would’ve made a speech about how happy I am and how far I’ve come then too! So consider this that! Except it probs would’ve been 50 tags cuz that’s my style lol 😚

No matter what anyone says I am proud of me!

I love my writing, and I love my fics! It really just is the simple concept of imagining finding an author you like! And then there are tons of works ready for you to read! Even if they're small thingies like mine! I was into GK back in 2012, but I was young and there wasn't any GK really, and plus after CAA I was just depressed there was nothing there for me. So I left! And then 2020 of June I fell back into Gonki!

I watched tons of reactors and got back in, but I couldn't find anything that was my taste fic wise, so I just took a leap of fate, I found maybe one fic of Gon carrying Ki maybe one and billions that I did not like! So I decided to do it for me!

I wanna be with Gonkillu forever! I don't wanna imagine a world where I leave again! But on the chance it ever does happen? Look what I've done for me! I've become that author I would like with tons of fics all ready to read! For me! 90+ will be there if it does happen.

And nothing pleases me more! I do reread my fics as is! But the idea of knowing me of the future should something ever happen has that... it's the best feeling!

And no one will take that from me! When I couldn't find anything I wanted in 2020 I didn't go to writers and go WAHHH WAHH WAHHH DO WHAT I WANT I took action. So no loser anon is gonna stop me. If you liked the old me become her, but I like the new current me more! Who goes full in no fear!

I do wish there was a GK world and I will say stuff like that! Cuz I do wish there was! But I've never gone to a writer and been like dooo this for meee, like!

I put my money where my mouth is and am creating the GK world I want for myself!

Thank you, me! For the three years of writing! Here's to many more!

I’m on a little teeny tiny island by myself! I need a cute flag 🥺 IT HAS TO BE PINK OMG WITH GON CARRYING KI AND KI WEARING A CUTE PINK DRESS AND LITTLE BUNNY EARS 🥺 he’s a little bunny 🐰 

[alexhornefan]

My Secret Life: Alex Horne, 33, comedian

Saturday 17 March 2012 LINK

The household I grew up in... was very male. I've got two brothers and there was a male dog and two male cats and every family we knew had three boys. Great for us, slightly less great for my mum.

When I was a child I wanted to be... embarrassingly, the great novelist. Or a respected charity worker. I still think both might come true.

If I could change one thing about myself... I would be better at accents. I am genuinely good at copying people's handwriting, but that's less help on stage.

You wouldn't know it but I am very good at... I am almost incredible at table football. It's nothing to be proud of.

You may not know it but I'm no good at... reading books – even though I've written two and want to write the best in the world.

I wish I had never worn... At my dad's 50th [birthday] I wore a kilt. I'm a quarter Scottish but that's not enough to warrant wearing a kilt at any point in my life.

At night I dream of... my next show. They tend to go quite well in my dreams. And then I do the show and it doesn't go quite so well.

What I see when I look in the mirror... Not enough wrinkles. I'm worried that, at 33, it reflects a life that's been a bit boring.

My favourite item of clothing... Bowling shoes. They're from eBay but people think I've stolen them, something everyone wants to do – I quite like that they give me that air of recklessness.

My favourite building... This is vaguely soppy – it's All Souls Church by Broadcasting House. I met my wife on the steps of the church before our first date.

Movie heaven... Any Bond film.

My greatest regret... Supporting Liverpool football club. I wish I'd supported the club where I grew up so I would have a good reason to be fanatical.

My secret crush... Vorderman, I'm afraid. I'm a big Countdown fan. I was on it a few years ago, and she lived up to everything I had expected.

My real-life villain... Meddling execs, especially in TV.

The person who really makes me laugh... My two-year-old son, Tom. He will insist on eating a meal with a box on his head because he's a robot and then get upset because it's difficult to eat food with a box on your head.

The last time I cried... My son Barney's birth, Christmas day 2010. It was happy crying. But it kind of ruined Christmas!

My five-year plan... Everything goes out the window slightly with kids – we've written off the next 20 years.

My life in six words... Not wasting a very lucky life.

A LIFE IN BRIEF

Alex Horne was born in 1978. He studied at Cambridge University where he was a member of the Footlights. Horne made his Edinburgh Festival debut in 2000 with his show How To Avoid Huge Ships. He continues to tour as a stand-up, and also fronts 'The Horne Section', a live jazz comedy showcase. He has published two books, Wordwatching and Birdwatchingwatching. He lives in Chesham with his wife and sons. Horne's latest show, Seven Years in the Bathroom, is at the Soho Theatre tonight and tours in April

[just-liaa-01]

Are media representations of fans as ‘weird’ and ‘overly emotional’ fair? What is your own experience of fandom?

Yow people! Im back with a new topic again! Are you guys excited, please be excited. Don’t make me the only person excited to talk about this. So my chingu we are back with topic on FANDOM. Yeayy!!

Its regarding FANDOM gosh I’m so excited! I love this topic so much as I am a part of the kpop fandom community. Yohooo! This time, I'm exposing myself since, well, why not? Most of you are aware of what fandom is, I assume. But I guess some might still not know what that is, so I’ll explain it briefly later to you guys. Talking about fandom. Which fandom are you in? Mine is a Kpop Boy group named Seventeen.

So, lets begin with what is fandom?

Ayoo how to explain it briefly ahh? This might be a bit long but trust me you’ll understand what fandom is by the end of this blog post. If you are still confused please do some research or come to me ill help you or I might also bring you to the world of kpop hehe.

Strictly, for those who live under a rock or are just uninterested in things like this. If you guys feels like I’m judging you guys now. Well yes, I am. Hahahaha don’t be too serious. Fandom is a group of people who support groups or individuals regardless of the genre. Unbeknownst to you, everyone is a fan of something whether it’s a sport, music or movie. The word FANDOM is a community which is complex and diverse. Everyone has different preferences, dislikes, and perspectives. In addition to many other wonderful qualities, we are diverse in terms of gender identity, sexual orientation, and color. We come from a wide range of nations and civilizations as well.

Even though my interests might not be of interest to you, I'll still tell you. Like I care hehe.

As I was growing up, I was exposed to a wide range of experiences. From being addicted to video games, to music, and also martial arts sports. However, music is the one that has stuck with me the most after martial arts sport. I start discovering the Korean music industry Kpop when I was in primary school at the age of 11 years old. I started with watching a Korean Drama To The Beautiful You released in 2012. That was the beginning of Amalia’s journey in the K-Drama, K-pop world. Language is not a barrier to ones interest. I’m proud to say that I have watch probably hundreds of K-Dramas and hundreds of K-pop songs too till todays age. But this one particular boy group that catch my attention by their song is Seventeen. I've been hooked by their upbeat songs and beats, entertaining choreography, and overall vibe up till now. I adore them so much as how they keep training from zero to winning a Daesang Award yesterday at the Mnet Asian Music Awards. They also teach me that giving up is not an option. You have to keep trying as a failure is a beginning of a success. I could spend all day talking about them. I've poured countless hours and dollars into my favorite bands and products. I don't regret it, though.

But often why does the media often portray fans as ‘protective’ and ‘obsessive’?

No matter what you're a fan of, society and the media will always interpret you in the way that they want. It truly depends on you, though, therefore it doesn't rule out the chance that some fans will be regarded as such.

The question is, do I consider myself as one of those? Probably no, I do love my boys so much but not to an extend where I would be so obsessed and be overprotective. Since fans come from a variety of nations and backgrounds, it is to be expected that some would behave differently than you would prefer. chasing them, intimidating them at airports, and ultimately turning into "sasaengs." "Sasaengs" are devoted followers who stalk or act in ways that violate someone's privacy.

Fan sign events are supposed to be happy occasions where fans can interact with their idols. Unfortunately this isn’t always the case During the Seventeen Fan signing event. Reported that a sasaeng fan got angry at Joshua, a member of the group. She started trowing objects at him making everyone present there in shock. Her actions brought the entire event to a halt, and a manager had to walk the fan out of the stadium and immediately escort her away from the the Seventeen group members. (Koreaboo, 2018).

Of course, the industry has seen a lot of other incidents, but this is one of the most well-known from the recent past in this group history. This has demonstrated the terrible potential of obsessed fans.

According to a news report by Soompi, Woozi said: “We prepared this song because we wanted to express our gratitude to the fans.” (Omar, 2018).

A true fan is someone who respects their idols space and privacy while still supporting them. That concludes my analysis of this week's topic. Remember, you could be a fan of anything but be a respectful and responsible one. See you next time chingu!

References:

Koreaboo. (2018). Koreaboo. https://www.koreaboo.com/lists/13-disturbing-stories-sasaeng-fans-went-far-1/ ‌

Omar, A. (2018). (Showbiz) SEVENTEEN boys give Thanks and share quirky stories. [online] NST Online. https://www.nst.com.my/lifestyle/groove/2018/02/333737/showbiz-seventeen-boys-give-thanks-and-share-quirky-stories

[tamedgod]

What is the muse that you write for the longest?

Is there anything you would have changed when you started writing now that you have more experience?

Is there any fandom you regret exploring?

i suppose haru would be the muse i've written longest just in terms of sheer years; she started as a tokyo mew mew oc back in 2005, and i started writing her even more a year later when i moved her into a naruto writing group. bigger developments began in 2009 when she became a yugioh oc, a fandom and series that is still so so near and dear to my heart. she remained in that fandom a few years before suddenly she tapered off and disappeared. i had a falling out with my primary writing partner in 2012, and the sadness of that made writing her feel very bittersweet. during this break i worked on another muse and story, based in witchcraft and the occult. this character, abigail, would probably be the character i've written most just in terms of what's been actually written. i packed so much writing and lore into the few years i wrote her that you'd think she'd been around longer, but haru really does have years on her. it wouldn't be until just a couple years ago that i really sat down and started writing haru and friends again. fun fact: while haru has been in existence since 2005, xiao didn't exist until 2010!

honestly if there was one thing i would change, as terrible as this might sound about me, i would have thrown myself less pity parties and just wrote more. when i broke off from my primary writing partner and pulled all my ocs out of fandom and into their own lore / worlds, i was very proud of the work i'd put into them and thought it would be enough to help me make new friends and partners and be accepted deeper into the community, especially on tumblr. as it turned out, i wasn't great at "marketing" and had a hard time reaching out to other writers. i used to be a lot more introverted, and instead of looking deeper at myself in a (healthily) critical light, i tended to victimize myself and get really down on the dashboard. i will shamefully admit i used to be one of those "no one sends me memes... no one likes my posts....." kind of people. i had this huge chip on my shoulder; i made art and edits and had a good story, i had a bunch of ability and i acted like people owed me because of that. all it did was make me feel alone and like i should put down the pen. fast forward a few years and i realize now that it's just as much my responsibility to make friends as the other party's, and that i should enjoy writing what i want to write for myself. i should make edits for myself. art for myself. if these characters make me happy, it's great if they make others happy too, but it's also great if it's just me. no one owes you anything, but you owe it to yourself to do the things that make you happy.

while i don't think there's a fandom i necessarily regret exploring, i think the ones that hold the most negativity for me now are warrior cats (this is a judgement free zone) and hetalia axis powers (THIS IS A JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE LMAO). the former only leaves a bad taste in my mouth due to literal child predators that infiltrated the space. the friends i made, we were all around the same age, eleven to thirteen or so, just enjoying pretending to be cats. and yet we couldn't escape the 19+ year olds that came into our chat rooms and onto our freewebs sites (now known as webs) and hit on us and sexually exploited a few of us. as much as warrior cats will hold a warm, nostalgic place in my heart, it will also unfortunately also always wear this stain. APH holds a bittersweet feeling, because some of my best friends and memories can be found in that fandom, but also... it's APH. it was one of those things where a fandom that had disgusting undertones blew up and achieved success. there's a lot more i could say on it, but i honestly don't like rehashing it. besides this though, i don't really regret writing in any fandoms that i have been a part of. i learned a lot everywhere i went, and the culmination of everywhere i've written is what's helped me become the person i am today :)

[alectricblue]

questions I think would be fun to be answered: 5, 8, 11 (very much interested in this one cause i don't understand the concept), 13, 14 & 24 😘

woah so many questions, thank you!!!

5. what made you start your blog?

(I answered this on my prev ask, so I'll copy/paste it here)

I had gotten tired of tumblr bc my previous blog's circle had become a very toxic place

but deltarune ch2 had just come out and I needed to go back to my undertale roots and interact with the utdr fandom again, something that couldn't happen in that blog (I did try tho)

so I decided to create a new blog (and delete the old one after a while) and the rest is history

8. any reoccurring dreams?

reoccurring... probably one of those where you think you've started your day and gone to class/work and then you wake up and you have to do it all over again...

11. what do you consider to be romance?

hmm... to me is when someone says that they're attracted to someone so much that they want to hold hands with them, go on dates, marry them. that kind of soft, mushy emotion

and that's mainly one of the reasons I started identifying as aro, bc I've never had the urge to do any of that with anyone. I have felt some very slightly mushy emotion every once in a while tho

while I was dating my ex, I just did the holding hands thing bc ''that's what people do, right?'', otherwise I wouldn't have done it

13. what are you doing right now?

trying to rack my brain to find memories I'm sure I have so I can answer these questions lmao

14. what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

every since I was 15/16 I wanted to become a youtuber and, later, a streamer

I've only gotten to the point where I have everything set up to start, and I've even managed to record a couple things, but I just... can't. for many reasons

also, idk what to make my videos about, so that insecurity makes it even more difficult 😅

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

learning english

it blows my mind how I managed to be invested in something for so long (and still am), enough to see my skill improve year after year (I started around 2012/2013). every once in a while I'm amazed when I hear someone speaking in english and I understand it as if it was my mother tongue. like, I did that! I can speak a language I learned on my own!

true, I did have a base of english from school, but I didn't learn to actually speak it until I started learning it by myself, after I had finished secondary school. and I will never hesitate to brag about this, bc I'm really fucking proud of it

thank you again!!

[theatredeslioncourt]

harry is 30 now.

It's Harry's birthday and I couldn't stop talking about this day that I've been celebrating since 2012 by following him. It's kind of complicated to be able to put into words all the feelings I have about Harry, it's been a lifetime of following him, from the end of 2011 to the present day and for the rest of our lives, I grew up with him and followed him, even from afar, in every step, and even though he didn't know it, he also accompanied me in every step of my life.

with each passing day I am more and more proud of the human being he is and all his achievements. It seems kind of silly to explain this to people who have lived through moments of fandom or who aren't fans of things so intensely, because these people wouldn't understand how special and great this relationship is of following an artist that you love very much and watching him grow and conquer. and live your life through the years. I started following Harry when he was just 17/18 years old and I was 13/14 years old, we were just babies and growing up with him was one of the best experiences of my life, how gratifying it is to see someone I've followed for so long managing to achieve your goals, follow paths, grow, do new things, a lot has changed and a lot has matured, on both sides, at both distances. It's crazy that I'm still this person here who still follows the same Harry from years and years ago when I was just a teenager.

in 2014 I saw him in person for the first time, at the one direction show on May 10, 2014, it was surreal, I had never been so euphoric in my entire life and it was a dream come true, when I thought I would make it see someone I follow so closely. In 2018, another opportunity, I went to Harry's show on May 27, 2018 and I was so close and saw him so close again that it was also a surreal experience, seeing him for the second time. and then 2022 arrived and I had another opportunity to see him, in December, twice, on the 6th and 10th of December 2022. on the 6th of December was literally a moment that until now if I didn't have proof that this it really happened I would have completely thought that I had made it up in my head because it seems like a dream it seems like something so far away and it is something so far away and at the moment it happened it felt like my heart was going to come out of my mouth, Harry, in sign of the times, stopped in front of me to sing and waved at me and asked "are you okay?" I genuinely have no idea what I responded, but I cried, I cried, and I still cry about it to this day, when my 2011 self would imagine that my 2022 self would see Harry so closely and be able to have minimal interaction with him. , someone I've followed for so many years and I've seen every step he takes.

Harry gave me the opportunity to make friends, meet places and stay in his life, even without him knowing, but I'm so happy to see every update from him and every little thing he achieves. I'm happy to still follow him today and I'll never stop doing so, he makes me happy and brings me many incredible things. and I hope that soon I will have other opportunities to see him again, maybe one day I will hug him, it is my biggest dream.

I love you Harry, with all my heart. Happy birthday, 30 is a great age, I'm closer than far from turning 30 too… we're getting old and trying to live our lives. Thank you for everything and more.

I needed to write this for myself, I don't expect anyone to read it, but I would like to put it on record.

[solitairesys]

here's some highlights from my thoughts journal from the years 1942, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.

for context, i got this journal after my mother passed.

for more context, i am a nico di angelo fictive.

tw, possibly.

my parents have no clue who i even am. i hope you’re proud of me, dad. afraid to go out. afraid to talk to people. it's difficult to make friends. i'd rather be at home, alone. scared to be in a big crowd of people. panicking about going to this event. nervous about meeting someone new. scared to ask a question, staying quiet instead. feel like everyone is watching me. if i disappeared, would you even know? i wish you knew how much it destroyed me when you left. a piece of me died. i dont know where to go. i dont know what to feel. i dont know what to do. i dont know who i am. ”but it made you stronger” i didn’t need to be stronger, i needed to be safe. life isn’t about living, anymore. it’s about surviving. im afraid to die. im afraid to live. i need a hug, but all they gave me was a box of matches and a knife. i was the good kid and i got nothing. was i raised without love? or was i born unloveable? i have a father, but ive never had a dad. fuck you to every person who ever took advantage of my kindness. nobody is going to save you. get up. please don't leave. everybody leaves.

why is my family so fucked up? my feelings? oh, don't worry about those, no one does. can someone be proud of me? like im fucking trying. "why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked me. no one asked. maybe i wasn’t made for anyone. i don’t know why i’m still hoping. there’s a reason i keep everything inside. i want to be loved but i don’t deserve it. i want to feel loved without feeling like i was begging for it. if i told you my secrets, you wouldn't look at me the same. maybe i deserve all of this. sleep isnt sleep anymore, it's an escape. a listening ear is also a running mouth. i've become so damaged that when someone gives me what i deserve, i don't know how to respond. i need to cry. i need to talk. i need to vent everything. i try so hard to help other people because i have no idea how to help myself. you will never understand the hell i feel inside my brain. its hard to forget your past when it's written all over your body i stopped being me a long time ago. i don’t even remember who i was. i want my life back. i want myself back. i miss the old me. the happy me. that young energy, that smile, that glow. i'll never be that me again.

i’ll never be good enough for you. stupid me thinking i was good enough. i don’t care if you’re proud of me, dad. its pretty fucked up how okay you were after hurting me. you realize that one day im just gonna snap, right? i shouldn’t be this kind of tired at this age. if i can still breathe, im fine. im forever going to say “i got this” with tears in my eyes. i’ll survive. i somehow always do. i have more scars than friends. it’s hard when you feel so constantly unwanted. i want to live, not just survive. i cant remember the last time i wasn’t tired.

[lookedafterchild]

It was 2012; a lot happened this year. My depression and stress were at its greatest, and I had come out as gay months prior I was close to giving in. The anxiety and depression got so bad I had to find a new coping strategy. My psychiatrist called a patient meeting with me and my careers. I was told my behaviour was becoming even more of a risk to myself; and others and that I had 5 minutes to decide if I was going to be a formal or non-formal patient. I Chose non-formal at first but admission up getting put on section two and three before being released three months later. So I’ve announced this story many times before but as it’s the 5-year mark from August. I just wanted to reflect and thank anyone once again who helped and continued to help me get through my issues. Thanks to you lot on the 31st August 2017 my discharge date it will mark the 5th year that without having mental health teams involved with my life also I have been entirely unmedicated. I continue to struggle but always work on improving my moods. Anyone Suffering from mental health, Don’t Struggle Alone. There are so many services out there that can help support getting your life back on track and either with or received medications. Without the help, sceptical I’m that I would still sit here writing another post about the story.   But Most of all, I’m proud that I got through this even though the struggles I had as a 15-year-old teenager   Check out some of my other blog posts about my mental health stay 7 Years ago today, i was sectioned under the mental health act. aged 15. My Life Stories. sectioned Under the mental health act Aged 15 a brief before and the process of being admitted