#14x10 nihilism

[monstermoviedean]

horrendous thing to say about another person. btw.

[emeraldsummers]

Thinking about Dean's happy mind place in 14x10 Nihilism.

Specifically talking about this conversation he has with his own subconscious:

Dean's flirting with women is purely habit at this point, something he likes to do for fun. His whole ladies man persona had been a schtict for years at this point and I love that it's being called out.

His subconscious knows he wants someone else, but he's pushing it down. Thinks he can't have it anyways. But that's okay, he's content with flirting and having a friend. And that's the word they use: contentment. It's not bliss, but it's enough.

I find it especially interesting that he sees Pamela in his mind. She's "neutral" in that she was not someone he considered family (i.e. Charlie) but she was also never a love interest, and she also isn't really someone Dean holds regrets about.

His contentment is a platonic female friend, a business of his own, and knowing that Sam and Cas will be home soon.

[shirtlesssammy]

Castiel every day so often -- 82/139

Supernatural 14x10//Nihilism

[shallowseeker]

i love that steve yockey wrote michael's dialogue like that, "i'm gonna write the opposite of what dean thinks for every character in order to hurt them" which means you can reverse everything he says and learn his true feelings about each character. genius.

I think this is definitely a clever part of the writing. (Yay Yockey!)

Michael is good at twisting things to create a diversion/undermine his enemies. (Maybe even better at it than Lucifer, heh.)

I think another part is that AU Michael understands absolutes better than duality. He’s picks out and amplifies the negatives. I’m reminded of Cas’s line in season 9 about human emotion: 

CAS: The ebb and flow of human emotion - Dean, I've been on earth for a few years, and I've only begun to grasp it. 9x09 Heaven Can’t Wait

AU Michael doesn’t grasp it. Not really.

He runs around asking everyone, “What do you want?” and if there’s any complexity at all to that answer, he brands that person/angel “lost,” “weak,” or “unreliable.” This is why he allies himself with vampires at the end of 14x01. Because he can’t comprehend shades of gray or nuance.

Humans feel a billion things every day. Moment to moment. But every fleeting discomfort, every microsecond of frustration, every scrap of resentment or bitterness? To Michael, these get magnified into absolutes. (This is often how demons present their truths: through the most uncharitable interpretations possible.)

///

Loved ones are burdens

A more honest answer might be that our loved ones are, in fact, both beloved and burdensome. We trade strengths and share burdens, but that doesn’t mean they come without weight.

It’s only in relationships that are more figmentary, kept at arm’s length, or those that have ended and become idealized—like memories of people who never truly had a chance to be seen for who they really were—that we see relationships without real baggage.

This is especially true in a world like Supernatural.

///

Dean wasn’t happier without Sam in his life

AU MICHAEL: And, Sam—oh, Sam... You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.

I think it’s probably true that Dean was occasionally relieved when it was just him and Dad, but mostly because it was a break from the turbulence and in-fighting.

At the same time, he felt abandoned by Sam, maybe jealous that Sam reaped all the rewards (education! freedom!) of Dean bearing the family burdens.

Yet, Dean also wanted what was best for Sam and was genuinely happy to see Jessica Moore in his djinn dream. More often than not in the series, Dean encourages Sam toward happiness, though not at the expense of what he perceives is a balanced work-life obligation the people in their lives that depend on them.

But it’s certainly not true that he was happier without Sam, nor that he wished it had been only him and John all the time.

///

Dean’s not with Cas because he “owes” him but because he loves him

AU MICHAEL: You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he "gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition." Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.

Michael mocks the line about being "gripped tight and pulled from perdition," showing us that this is a line Dean recalls often, perhaps replaying it in his mind over and over.

(AU Michael also coos: “Oh, Cas… I believe in you!” in an earlier scene, and it seems to me that he finds Dean’s emotions a bit… amusing.)

But to my point—maybe the bad parts are a little bit true. Feeling indebted to Cas might be intertwined with Dean’s gratitude, and it’s definitely true that Dean harbors real resentment over Cas’s mistakes. However, Michael can’t completely parse the complexities of Dean’s feelings for Cas. He can’t reconcile the bad with the good. It’s an alien’s perspective.

But Dean… The way Dean talks about love in Optimism shows us that he can handle all the complexities and put them into words. He feels a deep gratitude toward Cas for saving him, and he recognizes that Cas’s mistakes are part of the endurance of real love—not the idealized, immature kind.

Interestingly, while Sam and Jack are visibly shaken by AU Michael’s words, Cas doesn’t seem affected in the same way. Not only does he remain unruffled when he steps in to assure Jack that Michael is “loose with the truth,” but he also quickly picks up on Michael’s barbs as a deliberate strategy—he calls it out: “You’re stalling.”

By saying “Poughkeepsie,” Sam helped Dean break out of his loop of simplistic vampire hunts. But by mouthing off to Michael, it’s Cas who helps Dean rally his self-confidence. Cas's steadfast trust in Dean serves as a source of strength.

I personally think this implies that Cas and Dean have talked through their mistakes more in-depth than we think, even if they haven’t fully discussed their “feelings" per se.

They trust each other, even when they’re feeling completely downtrodden or vulnerable. Even when "their instincts might be screaming otherwise," you know?

///

Finally: Of course Dean loves Jack

We have to remember that AU Michael’s attack is two-fold, here. Unlike with the others, Michael is absolutely seething about Jack turning him down on family bonding time in 14x09 The Spear.

AU MICHAEL: “A moment of familial weakness. It won't happen again."

What Michael probably really wants is to undo the murder of his brother, Lucifer. But Jack is unwilling to become Lucifer’s replacement. So Michael wants to cut Jack as deeply as possible. As punishment.

AU MICHAEL: Like, I know how sad he was when you died… on the outside. On the inside, well, it's not that he was happy— he just didn't care. 'Cause you're not Sam. You're not Cas. You're a new burden that he was handed. You're a weak, helpless thing. You think that they care about you, love you? You're a job, a job none of them wanted.[…]

Ergo, following that mindset, maybe Michael’s a little bit right. Maybe part of Dean does see Jack as "another burden handed to him” and he might even he worried about Jack’s newfound weakness—but it’s also more complicated than that.

And it’s true: Jack isn’t like Sam or Cas, but it’s not because he’s not family. It’s because he’s a different kind of family. While Sam has grown into being a brother, an equal, Jack is and will forever remain wholly “son.” That’s a scarier bond. It doesn’t just come with love but with responsibility, hope, and an undeniable weight.

And as for Jack’s death—while Dean may have initially reacted with emotional numbing and shock, he was devastated. Time has shaped Dean's reaction to grief, and he is trying to do it right:

14x08 Byzantium via @spnscripthunt-inactive

//

Appealing to the “you’re just a burden” is something Zachariah also made good use of in his nightmare-land from Dark Side of the Moon:

ZACH!MARY: I never loved you. You were my burden. I was shackled to you.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon

///

Oops, I rambled.

Anyhoo, that a wounded Dean echoes any of AU Michael’s words is, to me, a testament to how deep his psychological wounds are (late 14 through season 15).

The series told us over and over again about the psychological ruination that results from being the vessel for an archangel… with many humans implied catatonic afterwards. (The series also spent the majority of season 14 showing us how much being glued to Lucifer wounded Nick...)

But yes, I do love the double-speak in the writing and how it often implies the opposite of what’s being said. That’s so much for bringing this into my ask box!

///

One more bit about indirect dialogue:

I also loved when Dean was hurling word-daggers in at Bobby, Cas, and Sam in 5x18. Dean was mocking his unique relationship with each of his loved ones:

Mocking his belief in Sam’s strength:

DEAN (to SAM): I just…I—I don’t believe […] In you. I mean, I don’t. I don’t know whether it’s gonna be demon blood or some other demon chick or what, but…I do know they're gonna find a way to turn you.

& Pretending he doesn’t see Bobby as a father:

DEAN (to BOBBY): You’re not my father. And you ain’t in my shoes.

& Making light of his deepening feelings with Cas:

DEAN (to CAS): Well, Cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that… I got laid.

/////////////////

Finally, I can’t help that point out that fleeting moments of resentment and even longer moments of being angry/upset/disillusioned with our loved ones isn’t a big, abnormal thing. It’s just very human. And healthy.

(In SPN-world, it’s coded as more concerning when we see the opposite, when characters insist someone is perfect or never lets them down. This is a SPN “poughkeepsie” pattern that I mentally shuttle into the “pure” bucket. See: Harper, Amara, Chuck etc)

///

But fleeting moments of negativity are real. Which is to me what makes Jack’s murder of Mary so very sad:

"Only for a second." :(

[winchestress]

[sucksesful-user]

can we talk about spn 14x10 for a second where Cas and Sam figure out that Dean has had so much trauma that he has fought through, and successfully fought through it against Michael, that Michael would put him in "something he's never had before- contentment"?? how fucking traumatizing is that?? that Dean has had so little happiness Michael uses it to keep him trapped in his own mind?? oh my god??

[worrynoodle]

Sam: "Dean thrives on trauma. I mean, he's had to his whole life, it keeps him alert, keeps him ready, but if I wanted to distract Dean, I-I... I'd give him something he's never had before."

Cas: "Contentment."

What would you do to get Dean to stop fighting? Make him believe he's at peace.

[heller-meta-of-the-day]

January 22nd

Nihilism (14.10)

IF you already view a tv show a certain way (all about destiel) then anything about an episode can be twisted to that certain view.

It's amazing how hellers can take EVERY relationship that Dean has with a woman and make it a parallel to destiel.

Let's put that quote of Cass' in the actual context of the scene:

So much for the "mutual pining".

[soullessjack]

we don’t appreciate jacks sense of humor like at all

[arcanespillo]

in the end it’s always about you and your father huh

[shallowstories]

Dean/Cas + Love is blind

Pamela in 14x10 Nihilism represents guilt

(Cas is in Dean's life at the expense of others)

But she also represents not being able to really see Cas

(And now that there's an angel hurling Dean into the depths of his own mind, he's FORCED to look at what that means)

(Cas did this to someone)

(Dean's been playing house all this time and--)

(--and he's staying willfully blind to what Cas is on account of being in love with him)

(He's not human he's not human he did this to someone too oh god oh no)

[monstermoviedean]

notice how rocky's is just enough to keep dean content but not actually happy. because if he was actually happy he wouldn't believe it. cas and sam are gone. the only one there is pamela, whose maiming and death he feels responsible for. the bar is failing. monsters still pop in to try to kill him. this is the dream that is supposed to stop him from fighting.

[thenameisgul]

someone give this puppy a fucking break please

someone give this puppy a hug please

[shirtlesssammy]

Dean Winchester every day -- 296/326

Supernatural 14x10//Nihilism

[winchestress]

[deanwasalwaysbi]

Was anyone going to tell me that 'Lemon' and 'Lime' were old fanfic terms for 'sex scenes' and 'sexual relationships are implied but not explicitly shown', respectively, or was I just going to have to read that myself on a definitions list five years later?

Directed by Amanda Tapping Written by Steve Yockey

“Daphne Loves Fred”

Look what Yockey carved into the bar in Dean’s mind in Nihilism

The bar is a manifestation of Dean’s happy place- somewhere he can be content so he wont rebel against AU!Michael.  

Part of his happy place is being secure in the knowledge that Daphne, the object of his childhood crush, chooses to be with Fred, a man secure enough to wear an ascot, rather than constantly performing masculinity. (cont. under the cut)

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