#13 of the most terrifying books published

[noneorother]

The art director & the Good Omens book cover tier list of doom, part 2

Part 1 l Part 2

I am your resident Art Director/Good Omens enthusiast, and welcome to my completely meta-free book cover tier list. Listen, making a book cover is HARD. I should know. But while we salute these artists for their hard work and time, I think we can all admit that once in a while, the vision is just not on. And on very rare occasions, publishers seemed to have managed to commission the cover art directly from hell... here's where we left off last time:

Onwards and upwards, as they say. 11. International paperbacks, Goda Omen

It is inexplicable to me but I LOVE this cover art. It's so sweet and innocent, the colours are contrasty and fun, and the layout leaves enough room for the text. Maybe I would call it slightly inaccurate to have our boys dancing on Greenland while the UK has drowned in a great flood, but hey. It's charming. The international cover gets a thwack with a ruler for trying to fit "creator of Discworld" in between the two wings like that, though. Tier: Great

12. Italian Cover, Buona Apocalisse à tutti!

The Italian translation of Good Omens into "Happy Apocalypse to All!" really tickles my funny bone. Unlike this cover which is trying to scrape at it with a dull knife until I'm screaming on the floor. I know demons can only dance badly, but does Crowley *really* have to fracture both ankles while trying? Aziraphale pelvic thrusting his way into heaven is a visual I didn't think I'd ever want. Minus so many points for random murder alley where this is all occurring. At least the designer managed to wrangle the type into one of the best proportional layouts I've seen thus far? Tier: Bad

13. Italian Cover, Good Omens

A truly valiant attempt here to rectify a terrifying situation with that earlier Italian version. While this one actually seems much more interesting at a glance, the details kinda get to me. The Bentley's steering being on the wrong side, the word Omens kindasortanotfquite fitting on the black wing, the motorcycles with no drivers... TIMES NEW ROMAN FOR THE AUTHORS NAMES. I don't think it can even be redeemed by the most powerfully rendered Sacred Heart/Cardi B W.A.P. imagery I've ever seen. Tier: Good (Omens)

14. Japanese cover, Good Omens

Look, this designer GETS IT. Crowley and Aziraphale are a pair, a group of the two of us. Do not separate. It's also the only cover I've seen that uses shades of grey! The woodcut vibes are STRONG AND POWERFUL. The type is well placed! I should love this, except the end result kinda looks like a manual for clinical depression in the workplace? It's ending up higher on the list than it deserves, frankly.

Tier: Good (Omens)

15. Japanese cover, Good Omens

This cover might as well be an Ethereal/Occult firemen's calendar. Someone wanted teens to cut off this cover and tape it to their bedroom wall. I can't even judge the typography or the symbolism because I'm just getting hit with waves of pheromones and angst. I can't even tell if it's good but it's going in the Good pile because I can't look at it anymore...

Tier: Good (Omens)

16. Japanese covers, Good Omens

Other people have assured me that this is, in fact, a dual Good omens cover. Alas, I cannot tell. I don't possess compound eyes or even an exoskeleton, and as such lack the ability to decipher these decisions.

Tier: WTF

16. Japanese cover, Good Omens

Holy overlap, Batman! I can’t fault this designer for wanting to reuse the wonderful dual illustrations in a Ying-Yang layout, all the elements are there, but there’s a clinginess to the type and positioning that makes me feel like someone is trying to hurt the letters? Is this designer okay? Do they need a hug?

Tier: Does the Job

18. Chinese cover, Good Omens

Can I say how charming it is they’ve managed to conserve the halo and devils tale on the Chinese title, as well as the woodcut detailing? However, the simplicity of the cute, contrasting wing design is sadly swallowed by the intense, New-York taxi cab vibes coming off the yellow and checkerboard text block. It could have been so good! Chinese readers: I am mad on your behalf!

Tier: Not so good (Omens)

19. UK 1991 paperback, Good Omens

What are we doing here, people. I think I've stepped into a Jungian analysis of what it feels like to have read Good Omens. It's dreamy yet unsettling. Right yet very wrong. And Ol' "Tiny Hands" Aziraphale up there is really judging me for what they found inside my mind. In less upsetting news, we've kept the improved typography and layout of the authors and book title. All is not lost to the nightmare.

Tier: Not so good (Omens)

20. 50 Shades of Gray rip-off cover, Good Omens

*panic* WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, PEOPLE...?! Bonus : the guardian quote is almost as much of a mystery as the cover it’s on.

Tier: WTF

End of round 2.

[holycatsandrabbits]

On this day in 1977, Jay Anson published The Amityville Horror, and a launched a whole new generation of haunted house stories.

But before the movies, before the book, before the revelation that it was all a hoax, the house at 112 Ocean Ave, Amityville, Long Island, New York, was the scene of a real horror: the murder of six people.

Ronald DeFeo, Jr., 23, killed his parents, two brothers, and two sisters with a rifle on Nov 13, 1974. If you’re familiar with the Amityville Horror story, you know of claims DeFeo was hearing voices that told him to kill his family. This part is surprisingly real— at least, according to his defense. The jury was unmoved, however, and DeFeo was convicted of mass murder. He died in prison in 2021. It is also true that motive remains elusive: DeFeo might have been after life insurance, and there was tension between him and his father. But nothing was ever said about evil spirits before the murders. 

Of course, living in a house where six people were murdered by someone they loved has got to be a little freaky. But one family claimed there was a lot more horror going on. George and Kathy Lutz and their three children lived 28 days in the house at 112 Ocean Ave, starting in Dec, 1975. Interviews and a 1977 book by Jay Anson told the story of a terrified family who barely escaped with their lives. However, later fact-checkers found, well, no facts at all.

So we’re left with an odd contradiction: a false tale that got a lot of publicity for being “true,” but which remains, at its heart, a really good ghost story (which is why it led to many more books and movies). And here on Weird Wednesday, writing good ghost stories is our aim, so let’s see how horrifying the tale really gets!

Check out my Weird Wednesday blog post for the whole story and some horrific writing prompts, such as:

A Foolish Man Builds His House Upon the Sand. You’ve got a few choices for character fates in a haunted house: unscathed escape, injured or traumatized escape, death, or perhaps most horrifying, becoming part of the house forever. We often think of characters who die passing into a safe paradise, but in the horror genre, that avenue of escape is often blocked. So what does happen to those people? Perhaps the inside of the haunted house is just a form of Hell, where a character is stuck with a bunch of demons. Or maybe they’re alone, which is also not a great eternal fate. Maybe they really do become part of the house, part of its walls and floors, and can only move on when the house finally rots or burns down.

Or maybe haunted houses/places also exist in another world, invisible to the mortal eye, where a character can go traveling. Maybe if you die in the Amityville house, you get a visitor’s pass for the Lincoln bedroom or Borley Rectory. Are there demons pursuing these travelers? Do the newly departed make friends with other ghosts? Can they ever pass back into the world of the living?

DannyeChase.com ~ AO3 ~ Linktree ~ Weird Wednesday writing prompts blog ~ Resources for Writers 

Image credit

[vikings-til-valhalla]

Come meet your viking!

Wanted to update my intro post, so here goes nothin'!

Hey y'all, I'm Magnus! Gay trans guy (he/him) in my mid 20s. Autistic.

I began this blog ages ago, though I don't recall how long it's been around because time is a vortex and I'm too busy to count anymore. Anyway!

This blog is a place for anything Asatru and viking related. It's important to know that Asatru is an open practice, meaning all are welcome. And I mean ALL folks! Feel free to ask religious questions and advice, but know that Asatru is an individually practiced religion, and therefore nobody is an ordained professional, and I by no means consider myself an expert or professional on any level. I'm just some guy with a blog. That's it.

My Asatru journey began as a kid, at 15 years old, namely when I tried to call for some deity out there who'd answer my biggest questions about who I am and why I felt like a boy if I was a girl. Jesus sure didn't give me an answer, not after many years of asking, but when I reached out to Odin, terrified to stray from the religious path my parents set me on, I got my answer nearly immediately.

I came out as me. And my parents accept that, support me, and still help me to this day almost a decade later!

I find it comedic because I've tried to work with the Æsir and Vanir both, but traditionally Vanir worship was for more feminine folk, and Æsir worship for the masculine. I've been the rough and tough guy for as long as I can remember, always playing videogames that boys my age as a kid played, doing MMA, and all my clothes were from the boy's section. I thrive on my masculinity. And needless to say as a result, my Vanir worship has NEVER gone well. At all. But my Æsir worship? Yeah that's always yielded results and been helpful to me. So uhh... even the gods know I'm a man!! ;)

Know that on this blog, absolute zero bigotry or hate in any form will be tolerated. That means no misogyny, no misandry, no transmisogyny or transmisandry, no hate, no racism, no sexism, no religious oppression for any religion, no hate for the innocent whatsoever, no anti-feminism and no radical feminism especially trans-exclusionary (TERF). Any instances I find in reblogs, comments, asks, DMs, etc. will result in immediate bans without warning.

So! That's about it for the blog part! Love y'all, and I hope you enjoy the place!

Some cool things about me below the cut!

I'm an author! I've got 2 published books in paperback currently, with a third in the works being posted by weekly chapters on my Substack. Most of my works are high fantasy and space fantasy, but I never do any writing outside the fantasy and sci-fi umbrellas. I'm big on writing queer male stories, featuring men of adult age loving other adult men, but all characters in my writing regardless of gender or lack thereof, are assumed queer unless I state otherwise.

I'm unable to attend college for health reasons, but I plan to return when/if I'm able, and get a degree in ethics! I am HUGE on ethical practices in every aspect, love debating morality and ethics, I've studied the subject quite intensely over the 6 years I was in college, and it's been my passion besides creative writing, which I don't need a degree to do, but I will need certification if I wish to become a professional ethicist! So that'll be my degree someday, Odin and Tyr be willing! My experiences with transphobia, homophobia, and having grown up with a majority of my friends being Jewish and Islamic, has inspired me to fight for equal rights, safety, acceptance, wellbeing, opportunities, and freedoms for every single human being worldwide. I wish to someday leave this world better than when I arrived for all who have to keep going after me.

Before disability, I did MMA for 13 years. I had 2 teachers, but they split apart early on, and I stuck with the one. I'm still in contact with both! Seeing as I'm better now with my pain, I'm going next summer to join the local martial arts school by the other former teacher.

If you ever find me at a renfaire, you'll know me when you find the tiniest little beefcake guy dressed in furs and plate armor (I'm less than 5ft/150cm tall).

My absolute favorite type of music is metal. All types of metal! Mainly power, symphonic, folk, and death are what I listen to!

Favorite medias are: Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, D&D, Gravity Falls, Destiny, The Elder Scrolls, Transformers, Futurama, Pokémon, and anything Lego

I have an insanely huge cat who is my son. His name is Patron, said like the tequila, and as of September 2024 he's 17.6lbs of man. Here's a video of me and him for scale.

Feel free to ask about my cat son. Please ask about my cat son. I love him. He loves hugs and snuggles. I could write a whole novel on him if I had time. Patron is my whole world and life.

[justforbooks]

In 1990 the Spanish writer Juan Goytisolo published a short essay called Paris, Capital of the 21st Century. By the end of the 20th century, he had decided that Paris was exhausted. The city of avant gardes, ideas, revolutions and class struggle, which had defined so much of European and world history, was now no more than a museum. As almost a lifelong Parisian and a lover of the place, Goytisolo desperately wanted Paris in the 21st century to retake its place as a great metropolis. But this could only happen, he argued, if Paris reinvented itself by “de-Europeanising” itself. By this, he meant it had to look towards the world beyond Europe, welcoming its sometimes dissident non-French, non-European voices to make itself a truly global city. Only in this way could Paris be brought back to life.

More than 30 years on from that essay, Simon Kuper has written a book about what it has actually been like to live in Paris during the past two decades. I have lived in the city for exactly the same period, in the working-class district of Pernety, and seen all the changes that Kuper has. The view from Pernety and the view from his hipster right bank world have not always been the same. He often underestimates, for example, the severity of racial and class tensions in Paris. To his credit, however, he is always aware of his limitations as a foreigner and as an apprentice Parisian.

The author, a journalist for the Financial Times, begins by describing his arrival in the city in the early 00s, a refugee from extortionate property prices in London. He finds in Paris an alternative economic universe, where decent city centre apartments were affordable along with a good quality of life that wasn’t dependent on a big salary.

Initially, Kuper bought into the shibboleth that Paris was a dead place – economically moribund, artistically bankrupt, something very much like Goytisolo’s museum. Over the years and decades, however, as he settled in, established a family and a way of life, Kuper began to change his mind as he navigated the unpredictable joys and vicissitudes of Parisian daily life. This involved wrangling with tough neighbours, taking kids to football matches in the banlieues (the outer suburbs, which are definitely not museum-ified), learning schoolyard slang from his kids (which contains a surprising amount of street Arabic), dealing with his wife’s cancer diagnosis, negotiating the daunting French social security system and, perhaps hardest of all, learning how to act as a proper Parisian – a performance that demands mastery of an almost infinite number of behavioural codes.

Kuper is a self-confessed “Bobo”, a member of the middle-class elites and as such most of the behaviours he has to acquire revolve around the right way to wear clothes or making the right sort of conversation. Above all, you should never appear to be provincial (an old Gaulish word, plouc, is still used by Parisians to describe out-of-towners) or from the banlieues (wearing sports clothes is a giveaway). As he learns to be a local, however, Kuper can seem a little too pleased with himself and there are moments when, as he yet again cycles down a lovely cobbled street to another designer coffee shop, you wish he’d get a puncture.

Nonetheless, Kuper is a clear-eyed observer of the history that is happening all around him. He witnesses the revolt of the gilets jaunes, which he notes are in part a protest “against Paris itself” (against people such as Kuper, in fact), sees the burning of Notre Dame, sweats through historically unprecedented heatwaves and copes with the pandemic. The most momentous – and terrifying – event that marked Kuper’s Parisian life was the night of 13 November 2015, which no Parisian who lived through it will ever forget. He was in the Stade de France when the first bombs went off, the prelude to a night of massacre that finished with 130 innocent people dead. Ever the professional reporter, Kuper keeps his feelings to himself, until a few days later he cries in front of a friend, broken by the strain of living in a city that seemed about to go mad.

Now the Olympic Games are on the horizon and Paris looks set to announce itself again to the world as a global leader, as the multicultural city imagined by Juan Goytisolo. For all of the transformations of the past two decades, however, Kuper is always alert to the city’s particularity. This is the immutable essence – to be found in the daily pleasure of the menu du jour or just the snarky, nasal banter at your local zinc (bar) – that makes Parisians love their city, and foreigners such as Kuper (and me) love it even more.

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[lazulian-devil]

The Villains of Skulduggery Pleasant 2

Now before I start, I want to point out that Book 2 has an absolute myriad of Bad Guys™.

The book introduces not only Dusk (who is great at making everyones day just a whole lot worse. Just fun to be around. Only bit Valkyrie, killed the Lord Vampire of Dublin™ Moloch and is generally just... So much fun!), but also the whole Diablerie Subplot (oh look, China is getting a backstory upgrade), Billy-Ray motherfucking Sanguine (who is in one way or another responsible for a third of my favourite quotes from the books), the Torment and Roarhaven (and all that bullshit), the reflection quite literally cracking (this could never possibly become important later on), the whole Faceless One dimension and whatever was going on with Thurid Guild.

So uh, yeah. Book 2, for being actually quite short in comparison to the absolute Grimoires Derek would later be known to write, is a dense friggin book. You might ask yourself "Wow, this sure is a whole lot more dense than the first one" and thats because Landy had at this point already won and be nominated for enough awards that his writing adventures would be a solid thing for him.

The first book was a leap of faith, the second was the beginning of a saga.

(Tangent: I personally think Landy plans and writes books in pairs of threes, as even Phase 2 was originally supposed to be nine but then turned into six books by force of publisher. Because I read them on a Kindle, I am very much aware of how much longer they have gotten with each installment and I think that he, like many an author, would absolutely benefit from cutting down some of the sizes of his books. But book 2 is still very much on the shorter end, if not the second shortest book of the series).

So, after all these absolute bangers of villains, who will I focus on? The one that dies (which is honestly how I think I should do these. Just slowly talk about everyone who actually dies and leave the "I will appear in a trillion books" villains for last, in favor of my sanity).

Baron Vengous.

In a world filled with sarcastic, silly villains, Vengous is the stern military guy that doesnt talk a lot.

And I mean that literally. Besides like... One or two speeches the guy just doesnt talk much.

Ive managed to complete Book 7 in my reading insanity and have read up to 13 before that (reading them as they come out) and I can say with a solid 78% conviction that he is the most "normal" villain and antagonist the series has ever had.

Hes straightforward. Hes methodical. His status as a General of Mevolent is based not only in honestly insane levels of power, but in his pure military might brain and body.

Baron Vengous is the absolute most opposite anyone could have written to Serpine. He almost seems specifically written to oppose him in as many ways as possible. If Serpine was the Vibe, Vengous is the Antivibe.

You get my point.

We actually get an in depth look into him later (where? Leibniz. In terms of trouble, always assume Leibniz) and even among those people, he is somewhat normal. Apart from his wife.

Oh and the other character trait he has. What was that again? I can barely remember.

Ah. Right. Faceless One fanaticism to the point of self destruction.

It makes you wonder what he did after the Amnesty, as he is broken out of prison by Sanguine at the beginning of the book and its never quite explained why. Serpine was just vibin' in his castle. Maybe he did some human sacrifices to his beloved gods and got caught for it. Who knows. (Afaik, its never explained what he did after the Amnesty to end up in prison in the first place and at this point, Im convinced it doesnt really matter and was just a neat way to introduce Sanguine).

But Vengous just isnt a very... Interesting character. He only works so well because Sanguine is a delight anywhere he shows up and Dusk is just utterly terrifying. The Baron is almost too normal among them.

You need proof? Fine. Let me grab my Kindle real quick.

Insert transition music.

Alright, so. Vengous first appearance (Chapter 3: Vengous) paints him as the man in control, the guy who has been in prison for eighty years (Im sure cellphones blew his mind) is out and looking for revenge. He doesnt say a lot. His first actual words are "You're late." to Dusk (who he later points out in his internal dialogue isnt even a man to him). This gives us two insights into his character: First, his stoic mentality. He just murdered someone. Hes entirely calm. Lifes are a casualty to him. And second, he holds enough power or reputation that a very skilled vampire is not only working for him, but accepts being talked down to by this man.

Later in Chapter Ten: The Armour, Sanguines inner dialogue says "The Baron was not a man to be trifled with, especially at a time like this". Once again, we have a whole chapter that shows of several things (passively) about the Baron. He is a planner (shown by his knowledge of the armor and its requirements, the supposed knowledge of where Vile died and his general tactical demeanour being described), he is someone who seems to be in control at all times (shown by him casually watching a bunch of infected under Dusks command dig away) and he is incredibly patient (shown in previous chapters by him being able to wait 80 years and then just "get on with it. Sure, hes mad at Sanguine, but his plans are more important).

And then we add something a little spicy in the mixture: Hes not only a fanatic, hes also an asshole. Ooooohoho.

Its Chapter 18 in which our Protagonists finally meet him and he simply despises Skulduggery. But thats not whats actually interesting. The Chapter reveals him to be self important. Sure, hes a leader, stoic, goal oriented. But hes also cocksure of himself. (A trait he shares with about 84% of all characters in the SP universe).

Skulduggerys taunts go right over him.

"Skulduggery nodded. "So, you married or something? Do I hear the pitter patter of tiny evil feet?"

"I will destroy you."

Normal reaction, ey? The scene goes on quite a while longer than that, but only hammers home this point even more.

The Baron believes himself superior. Righteous. Blessed, probably.

What kills him in the end? His self importance. And how does he react to his death?

"But... But this isnt how Im supposed to die", He said weakly. "Not... Not like this. Not by your hand. You're... You're an abomination."

And then he crawls towards the actual abomination he summoned, pleads it to tell them (the Faceless Ones) that hes sorry for failing them.

The Grotesquery moved its hand so that it touches Vengous' face. It looked almost tender, until the hand gripped and wrenched and the Barons head snapped to one side.

Vengous is a fascinating villain, because he stands calmly among the flashy and vibrant. In a long line of batshit insane people, his insanity is the one that hits closest to home. Many, many villains in the future would be obsessed with religion (the Necromaner Temple, the whole Diablerie plot, later on Darquesse). But all of them are so overpainted, so saturated, that many are just that: A mockery of real life fanaticism.

And the Baron still feels like someone who is rootes in reality. He truly believes that he and the Faceless Ones are superior. His last act is - and I cannot stress this enough - apologising to his gods.

This man. This stoic, straightforward man. This absolute unit. Former General of Mevolent. Words like a scalpel, tactician, wit and gumption combined.

Hes just as insane as all of them. But his insanity is so much quieter. So much more refined.

And that makes him scary.

While I would like to end here, lets summarise real quick:

Vengous has mostly two traits that make him stand out: Straightforwardness and Fanaticism.

Hes a pretty boring villain in comparison to his counterparts.

He is - at least in my opinion - one of the most realistic villains in the series. His insanity is believable and while its not as flashy as those of others, its a kind of insane that makes your skin crawl as soon as you think about it.

He stole Skulduggerys Armor. If you know that Skulduggery is Vile, there are some really interesting scenes that allude to it.

His Leibniz counterpart, for once, seems to actually improve on the OG one. He talks more and he even shows a certain twisted kindness to Valkyrie in explaining her everything. I would almost argue that the Baron of Leibniz is more interesting than the OG Baron. Also, silly wife Eliza. Such a stupid joke.

If he had been succesful, he would have actually ruined the world. Legitimately. The stakes were so high and the man remained so calm. Imagine trying to resurrect your gods. Imagine resurrecting Jesus, all the while having the vibes of a Military Dad with PTSD.

Im afraid that I never found Vengous that compelling. The writing in Book 2 is immaculate though and Dusk and Sanguine are amazing.

I give him a... 7? 8 out of 10?

Also: remember to stay hydrated. Eat a snack. Stretch. You deserve it.

Wanna read more of my mad ramblings? Heres Part 1 with Nefarian Serpine and Part 3 with Batu!

[thebroccolination]

Is Hemp Rope Novel a Long Book or a Short Story?

So, Hemp Rope is going to be a completed novel as far as I’m aware. Sheep once shared that her publisher had found English translators for both Red Thread and Hemp Rope (once it’s finished), so I expect them one day!

Also I apologize because I’m about to go into a very long tangent about the writing process and the whole lead-up to Between Us in general. I just got very emotional and had to make a lot of words about it.

Okay so right now, Hemp Rope is up to chapter 13 or so? (I just tried to check but I can’t remember where I put the links to the Thai sites where Sheep uploads her work.) But it’s still far from finished. We’ll probably get through most of Hemp Rope’s material by episode 7.

Which is, in fact, what New recently said!

Hemp Rope is incomplete, which is part of why it took so long to finish the script for Between Us. (In addition to Sheep’s personal, ongoing struggle with mental and physical health and an incredibly harmful day job situation that she luckily got out of earlier this year.) Sheep had to not only adapt what she’d originally written as a novel for the screen, she also had to finish the story, rework the old parts of the novel that she’d written sporadically over five years from 2017-2021, make sure she was honoring the queer community with her portrayals of certain events and incidents within the story, try to create the best possible launch for BounPrem’s career as lead actors, and so much more. She made a thread to that effect in 2021 sharing how terrifying the whole process felt to her because more than anything she wanted to do well by BounPrem and New and the entire queer community with this script that people were screaming at her to finish faster so they could have their TV show. During a pandemic.

(I get very protective of her. She went through so much and I think Thai fandom is extremely supportive, but I saw a lot of pressure and insults from interfans who kept making jokes in various languages about how long it was taking and how funny it was. There were other factors that delayed BU, but none of them are especially funny, least of all what happened with Sheep. She deactivated her Twitter account once last autumn and has never really come back and interacted with fans the way she used to since.)

It touched my heart when New publicly announced last summer that he was giving her the time to rest and heal. He didn’t ask for a deadline or pressure her. He suffers from depression himself, and he was incredibly supportive and encouraging and gentle with the nightmare she was in. Even as he was trying to hold together a production studio and agency that was struggling during a pandemic able to film zero series under an abusive military government that’s hostile at best to the queer community of which he’s a member.

Like, I think these two are a powerful partnership because they understand and trust each other. When Sheep kept winning awards in 2021, she got so embarrassed about going back up onstage over and over that she asked New to come up with her so she wouldn’t be alone. She’s lovely. :’(

So yes! Hemp Rope is a novel.

And I’m so glad it’s finally being made into the series it deserves to be.

[aerodaltonimperial]

.

For the past four months in therapy, my therapist has been working with me to believe that I didn't succeed in publishing because the system is rigged. That it's a deeply flawed system that favors people with money and privilege and time and connections. That they only publish what they know they can sell, so everything ends up derivative. And I was starting to believe it. I was starting to believe that was the reason I never made it. He told me that I wrote outside the box. I bent genres. I took multiple genres and wrote them together. And the industry doesn't want things that don't follow a P&L plan. They can't take chances, because they lose money. And I had started to believe him, I really had.

But I can't claim that's true any longer. All those people I used to write with, they should have encountered the same rigged system. At least ONE of them should have also come up against a brick wall. And they didn't. They all made it. They made it with books that should be unpublishable. And apparently, they aren't. Because it's me. It's always been me. I was never good enough, not through 13 fucking books.

When I left the trad pub sphere, I kept writing fic. I wrote a lot of fic. I wrote fic that used the ideas I knew I would never put into books, just to try to tell myself that they were okay ideas and that I could make them great (I couldn't, that's what i discovered. I couldn't make them interesting enough). And I wondered what would finally be the blow that stopped my writing altogether. I think this might be it. I'm terrified. I'm devastated. I spent last night crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I haven't told any of my "real life" friends that I left my agent last fall, because just thinking about admitting how much I failed is too humiliating to handle. I'm alone in my house for two more weeks, and I have no one here, and I'm afraid I'm going to stop writing. I don't know who I am without writing, but most of my friends in fandom stopped reading what I've created, and I'm at a loss as to what to do next. This was a part of me. I've lost a huge part of me.

I turn 40 next month, and all I have is the humiliating debris of failing to do the one thing I ever wanted to do with my life. And this is the only place I can even admit that, because just thinking about saying these words OUT LOUD to someone LOOKING at me sends me back into hysterics. This is the only place I can even ADMIT that I have failed this badly, because here, it doesn't matter. This is stupid. I should delete this. I'm sorry you have to read this. I have nothing to show for 20 years of my life.

[anxiety-banana]

Ty @royallykt and @twentyfunnybunnies for the tag!!

How many works do you have on Ao3?

103 + however many dozen nony fics

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

262,661 which is both terrifying and disappointing... I just wanna have a novel written lol

3. What fandoms do you write for? 

Star Wars, Marvel, and Smosh (but all the smosh stuff is unpublished as of yet) with a past sprinkling of white collar!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

when it matters (white collar) inevitability is a stupid, stupid, thing (marvel, penny parker) if you’re so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? (suits) (used to be anon haha) big brothers make it okay (clone wars) insert the anon fic i will not be publishing publicly

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yup! It's my one and only fic superpower lol, I really love responding to comments

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

call me what i am, call me a monster is definitely one of the angstiest endings, but I sure do write a lot of angst... it usually ends well though

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I Know, I'm Sorry (But You Can Do Better) is a very fluffy fic overall and though it's technically a one shot book, it will most certainly always end fluffy haha

8. Do you get hate on fics?

A LOT of passive aggressive hate lol, usually people telling me I wrote an arbitrary fact in a fictional world wrong, in which there's no way to really be wrong, so those are sort of fun haha. It's usually just a lot of mean corrections for things that don't need correcting (like what translation of Beowulf I used for a fic title)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope and nope. I've written like,,, one fade to black haha

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No, but I would if I had the inspo

11. Which fic are you proud of but wish had gotten a bigger response from your readers?

we know your name (but not who you are) has a special place in my heart, so I'll always wish it got more attention

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but as always, we're working on translating all my fic into legible English prose for once in my life

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I tried to with my friends Ash and Lily like two years ago and it stressed me out so bad, we reeaally should have planned better ahaha

14. What's your all-all time favorite ship?

hgnghghg Shourtney has my heart also modern Rexsoka has me in a CHOKEHOLD

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a feeling I won't finish a shot in the dark, no chaser, but I'm IN LOVE with it, so it'll live with me forever now <3

16. What are your writing strengths?

I tend to be good with prose when I get into it, and I've been told my dialogue flows very naturally

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I suck at just... very basic scene transitions. Like yes I know they just went from their house to their job but that took me three weeks to write

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I like it! I may be able to do a tiny bit of French but personally I wouldn't trust myself to haha

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Marvel, when Endgame first came out, and a BBC Merlin fic that was actually just a reader insert but I had no idea what that was

20. Favorite fic you've written?

where the hurt never mended, i see a grave that never got covered is still one of my all time favs because I wrote it in like a day and I just had so much passion put into it

Thanks again for the tag!! I've been tagging a whole lotta people recently so this is your open invitation to take this as your tag

[millennialgrandma]

2023 Wrap Up

Ok, so. I really meant to post this in January. Had most of it drafted and all but a few of the stats done. And then [gestures widely], life. When I sat down with my airtables and my notebook to begin the task of summarizing this 2023 in words, I honestly couldn't intuit where I fell in comparison to 2022. I knew I read more traditionally published books, which was thrilling in and of itself (although wholly unexpected). And I knew that as each month of the year passed, I despaired over how little fanfic I got to read (and how little I was able to interact with the fanfic community). Life served a whole lot of lemons this year. And rather than retreat into fandom and burrow under the blanket of escapism to deal with the stress, I...held it at arm's length. Perhaps because I was terrified that once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop. Or because I felt I didn't deserve the escape (I had too much to do). Or because I just didn't have the time for a proper spiral. Probably all of the above.

Words Written

It's funny I've chosen to highlight this stat with its own heading this year, given the facts. Despite my best (ok, really more like medium) efforts, I barely managed to squeak out 2,300 words (a quick little fic and a smaller little ficlet). And I guess I just wanted to tell myself that that's ok. That as disheartening as it is to look back and see so few words, to know that I signed up and backed out of fests, it's ok. I spent some time working on the MCD fic here and there, and I know I'm going to be really proud of it when I'm finally done. I have so many more stories to tell. The words will come when they come.

Traditionally Published Books

Last year I set myself a goal of 12 books and only managed to read two. I am happy to report I smashed it out of the park this year with a total of 13 books. The biggest contributing factor here is, of course, the way I devoured all the Grishaverse books in April. I enjoyed a new release (Forget Me Not) and a couple of delightful queer romance novels (RWRB and Boyfriend Material). I continue to study astrology (when I remember), and my love of history accounts for the books on the Cold War and the last crossing of the Lusitania.

Total word count on traditionally published books comes in at approximately 1,538,705 words.

Completed Fics

The vast majority of fics I read continue to be within the Harry Potter fandom. I branched out a bit more to other fandoms this year, but HP will always be my first love. RWRB will get its own section this year, as that's the fandom I'm most heavily invested in after HP. The remainder will be compiled into separate section for ease of tracking stats.

Harry Potter

In 2023, I read a total of 113 completed fics (a handful of them 2-3 times) in the HP fandom, for a total word count of 917,126 words. The 2 fics that started the year in WIP status (and were subsequently completed) will be included in the WIP word count below.

AO3 RATINGS

I remain a horny monster. Explicit fics accounted for all but 2 fics read. Those two tiny little paragons of virtue were rated GA.

PAIRINGS

Dramione remains my most wide-read ship, all though I slutted myself out a fair few more pairings this year. Dramione was referenced as the sole main pairing in 43 (or 38%) of the fics. I read 50 fics (44%) that had non-dramione pairings, with the most popular being parkweasel and harmony. The remaining handful of fics (those that don't fall into exclusively dramione, or explicitly non-dramione) are filthy, dirty threesome/foursome/moresome smut, which usually pair dramione at some point among the tangled limbs.

RWRB

So I read RWRB back in August, and watched the movie and became a wee bit obsessed with these dumbass boys. I had grand plans to then feast upon the wonderful world of fic in this fandom, but life kept getting in the way. Even though I didn't get to read much, I'm breaking this fandom out from the rest because it deserves its own spotlight and I foolishly made grand grand plans for spiraling in 2024. All told, I read 9 completed fics for a total word count of 263,058 words. All were rated Explicit or Mature, most were multi-chap, and all but one featured firstprince exclusively (shoutout to whimsymanaged for being the whore of my heart and feeding me a threesome).

Other Fandoms

I ventured into a few more fandoms this year and I'll be so real with you, I did it exclusively for horny reasons. Fics in this category totaled 127,815 words.

S&B (darklina): 9 fics, 63k words

Anne of Green Gables (shirbert): 10 fics, 31k words

HoTD (mostly harwin/rhaenyra): 6 fics, 22k words

LoTR (haladriel): 2 fics, 7.5k words

Euphoria: 1 fic, 4k words

WIPs

This is probably the saddest section out of all of them, because I neglected my WIPs quite horribly. I think this was part of the whole "denying-myself-fun-until-I-get-stuff-done" mindset: since I wasn't making progress, I didn't get my WIPs. Truly an awful mentality, and the more I write about it the more I'm thinking that it didn't actually accomplish anything except keep me miserable.

At the start of the year, I was following 19 WIPs. Two of these were completed during the year, and I did finish them. I managed to catch up on two others, and somehow added four more. There are a handful of the WIPs I was following that completed during the year that I *didn't* catch up on. First order of business when I get to a place of intentional reading in 2024 is coming back to each and every one of these 21 abandoned children.

Final Tally

And with that said, my 2023 fanfic word count was 1,393,225 words and my tradpub word count was 1,538,705 words, for a total of 2.933 million words read for pleasure this year.

This comes in at 92% of 2022's total reading, and 42% of 2021's. I'm happy I at least got close to a level comparable to 2022. I don't think I'll ever reach 2021 levels again, but it is fun to compare against that absolutely fucking bananas year of reading. BUT. It is sad to see the number continue to go down, and really reinforces the need to change my mindset about fun being a reward that I earn (I'm working on it, I swear, but as I'm posting this in May instead of January you can see that I'm not off to a great start for 2024).

Outside of everything I've read listed above, I also got the immense privilege to read early drafts of a handful of original works that a big beautiful brain I know is working on. I can't quantify those in the word count, but let me just say there are so many character stories I am holding in my heart and I cannot wait for other people to know them and shriek over them someday, too.

My promise for 2024 is to get back to my menace ways. I've got a lot of ground to make up, but I think I might just be able to do it.

[fauxpaux]

Goose's Fic Log (Aka: Glareandgrowl)

Howdy to ya all!

Here’s a comprehensive list of all the fanfiction series and oneshots I’ve written and published on my Ao3 acct: Glareandgrowl

All of the things I write are PG-13 at best, and R and worst, so be conscious of that when perusing any of these stories—

Assassins! AU series

My magnum opus. A three part series (one and a half parts are done atm) mainly from the perspective of Kiyotaka Ishimaru as his story unfolds to a terrifying degree of torture, heartbreak and misery all highlighted by the job he has unwittingly devoted the remainder of his failed life to.

-YouTube Playlist-

Part 1: One Mistake- (Chapters 6/6)

Ship Tag: (Slight Chihiro/Kiyotaka, it comes back in part 3)

Kiyotaka Ishimaru; level-headed, strong, quick-witted, morally balanced, independent, trustworthy. All of these things could be used in any context to describe him. But romantic was not one of them. Yet somehow, he had found himself in a deadly love triangle between a hot headed prick and the soft eyed, soft spoken Chihiro. Both of them dragging him down a path of distraction from his desire of becoming the worlds greatest prime minister. Hijinks and heartbreak ensues… and everything goes horribly wrong.

Part 2: A Path Split in Two- (Chapters 8/?)

-YouTube Playlist-

Ship Tag: None

He stared at the tv screen, his mouth hung open in a display of the absolute mind-numbing shock that clouded over his wide eyes. His face was inches away from the screen, feeling the buzz of electricity. Unseeing.

He couldn’t believe it.

His mind would simply not let him comprehend the facts presented in front of him. He had lost. Kiyotaka Ishimaru, the boy who had claimed since he could speak, from early childhood to not even three minutes ago, that he would become Japan’s, if not the world’s, greatest prime minister. A leader fit for the history books, one to be sung praises for years to come. Had failed.

He had lost, and he wasn’t prime minister.

Part 3: Thrice Since the Death of Oneself: (currently unpublished)

Ship Tag: (Kiyotaka/Mondo)

When life closes one door, it opens a horrible chasm beneath you instead.

Kiyotaka is tasked with his most difficult job yet. He has only one week to eliminate an enemy of the senate, feared gang leader, Mondo Owada. But what happens when Kiyotaka falls for the suave bad boy? Will he risk his whole life’s work for a delinquent who gives something nothing else can, Happiness?

Cigarettes are Love Letters in the Eyes of Addicts

-YouTube Playlist-

A slice-of-life esque story told mainly from Mondo’s perspective that is only one part. (Chapters 5/17)

Ship Tag: (Kiyotaka/Mondo)

Mondo Owada, brother to the leader of the Crazy Diamonds, and feared by most, has only one enemy. A pretentious Hall Monitor who won’t leave him alone. But when he is forced to work with the guy, he finds out that maybe he judged him a bit too harshly at first.

Dear Dictator

-Youtube Playlist-

(Chapter 1/?)

Junko Enoshima has finally been captured by the Future Foundation, and will be tried for her crimes against the world. The dead will play witness to her testimony, whether Kiyondo is willing to hear or not.

Managing to survive what would have been a fatal blow to the head, Kiyondo Ishida, formerly known as Kiyotaka Ishimaru, must now traverse this strange and new world with only the memento of his Kyodai's jacket on his back, and an unquenchable rage in his soul.

(A solo chapter character study on if Kiyotaka had been one of the survivors, based off the song Dear Dictator by Saint Motel)

NSFW stories under the cut–

Goose’s Naughty Corner (Tread with Caution!!)–(ALL COMPLETE!)

A couple of short form smutty writings that have no ties into each other-

Follow The Rules or Get The Boot- (Chapters 3/3) (COMPLETE!)

Two (about to be three) short form smut fanfics featuring Dom! Kiyotaka and Sub! Mondo. A rare idea, I know!

Ship Tag: (Kiyotaka/Mondo)

Kiyotaka Ishimaru has had just about enough of Mondo Owada’s undisciplined lifestyle, but his tipping point is reached when his uniform and shoes get completely ruined by Mondo’s recklessness! Mondo must be punished for this! >:(

A Finger Prick is All it Takes- (Chapters 2/2) (COMPLETE!)

A long short story featuring Vampire! Kiyotaka and Werewolf! Mondo. Was originally going to be a fully fledged story, but I decided against it and now you get two very long chapters of bloody smut instead. Enjoy!

Ship Tag: (Kiyotaka/Mondo)

Kiyotaka Ishimaru is a vampire with needs, and Mondo is a werewolf who can provide them.

A Halloween prompt about consensual vampiristic blood drinking ;)

GlareandGrowl’s Bodyswap fic- (working title)(Chapters 4/4)(COMPLETE!)

A pretty bog standard smutty body Swap AU. Hagakure does something weird and Mondo and Taka switch bodies. They go through the day trying to act the most like each other and not ruin each other’s reputation.

Ship Tag: (Kiyotaka/Mondo)

[persephoneggsy]

A little write-up on Hildegarde Trevelyan and her family bc OC thoughts are dominant thoughts right now

Hildegarde Trevelyan: the youngest daughter of the Trevelyan family (and in fact, the only trueborn daughter of Lord Trevelyan), Hildegarde is a meek, unassuming young woman who would much rather be holed up with her studies than lead a holy organization. She’s incredibly anxious and prone to bouts of extreme insecurity. Despite having intelligence and power in spades and a great tactical mind, she’d much rather let someone else take the lead, because she’s terrified of messing up and ruining everything.

Of course, when she’s caught in the crossfire at the Conclave and winds up the Herald of Andraste, her desire to keep her head down and stay out of trouble is completely disregarded. Luckily, her anxiety is balanced out by a genuine desire to help make things better. She’s deeply empathetic and will always try to help out where she can, even if she stretches herself too thin.

She’s passionate about learning, with a special interest in architecture, as well as learning more about the Fade. She believes the best way to fight fear is through knowledge (as you can imagine, Solas took a shine to her lol).

With the friends she makes through the Inquisition (and the love and support from a certain former templar) Hildegarde grows into a capable and confident leader in her own right.

Hannelore Trevelyan (nee Barragan): Hildegarde’s mother. Hildegarde never actually knew her, due to Hannelore passing away shortly after she was born. Hannelore was a noble from a minor Nevarran family, who had an arranged marriage with an older lord, also Nevarran. Though she wasn’t in love with her first husband, they respected each other, and they had three children together.

She took a very active role in her children’s lives, not wanting them to be raised solely by nannies like she was. After her first husband passed away (from old age), she eventually met a Free Marcher noble, Abelarde, and was endeared towards his enthusiasm for admittedly niche subjects. The two grew close, and after a year of courting, Abelarde proposed and Hannelore accepted. The family moved to Ostwick (despite protests from some of her children), and Hannelore was delighted to find that she was already pregnant with their first child. She’s the one who picked Hildegarde’s name.

Abelarde Trevelyan: Hildegarde’s father. Known as an incredibly devout Andrastian, Abelarde spent his early years studying chantry history, and has published books on several subjects, though his true passion is architecture, which is something he passed down to his trueborn daughter. He met and fell deeply in love with Hannelore during a research trip to Nevarra. He bonded with and got on well with Hannelore’s children.

When Hildegarde was born, however, he was utterly devoted to her; most suspect his over abundance of affection came from grief at losing Hannelore after the birth, and while he didn’t neglect his step children, it was clear to all who his favorite was.

When Hildegarde’s magic manifested at age 13, he briefly considered hiding her from the Circle, not wanting to lose her. But ultimately, he conceded and sent her away to Ostwick’s Circle of Magi. He still kept in contact with her via weekly letters and gifts, though unbeknownst to him, his affections resulted in the other young mages at the Circle viewing Hildegarde as a spoiled brat, and she felt isolated as a result. Despite that, Hildegarde adores her father.

By the time the Conclave occurs, Abelarde is beside himself with worry; he knows Hilde was due to appear at the Conclave with her Circle, and after he hears about the explosion, his heart breaks. Thankfully, one of the first things Hildegarde does upon getting her bearings in Haven is write to her father. He nearly makes the pilgrimage to Haven, but is stopped by his eldest stepson, who is worried about the Breach. Part of him is proud that Hildegarde is the Herald of Andraste, but he’s mostly a nervous ball of anxiety and dread because now she’s in near constant danger. After Haven is destroyed and Hilde relocates to Skyhold, he can’t take it anymore and goes to the fortress to see her for himself.

After that, he becomes a semi-regular fixture at Skyhold, wanting to keep an eye on his daughter, reconnect with Edwin and Edeline, and study Skyhold’s fascinating architecture. Plus, he wants to keep an eye on that Cullen fellow, who seems to be getting rather cozy with Hildegarde…

Ewald Barragan-Trevelyan: Hildegarde’s oldest half-brother. With a 13 year age difference between them, Ewald didn’t spend much time with his youngest sister, though he was rather fond of her. Much of Ewald’s attention was taken up preparing for his role as a nobleman.

Some consider him rather lucky, since his birth father, Lord Barragan, wasn’t the heir to the estate, so he inherited very little from him. But because Abelarde’s trueborn heir turned out to be a mage, he named Ewald his successor instead, thus granting him power over the much more influential House Trevelyan (to some controversy, of course; Ewald is Nevarran, regardless of his stepfather’s nationality). Ewald, for his part, only cares about being a good lord for those under his jurisdiction.

Upon learning Hildegarde survived the Conclave, was named Herald of Andraste, and later Inquisitor, he felt proud of her, but was unsure if he could express it because of how distant their relationship was. At his stepfather’s urging, he visits Skyhold to tell her so in person. Hildegarde, to his shock and dismay, starts crying. (She’s happy crying, but it takes him several panicked minutes to realize this.) 

Of his biological siblings, he’s the closest to their stepfather, having bonded with him after Hildegarde was sent to the Circle.

Edeline Barragan: Hildegarde’s half-sister. Dignified, dutiful, and disciplined are three words one would use to describe Edeline. Spiteful, insecure, and cruel are another three. Edeline was only ten was Hildegarde was born, but because the birth also resulted in the death of her beloved mother, she blamed the babe and was determined to keep her new sister at arm’s length. Hildegarde barely remembers anything about her because of this, and what little she does remember isn’t great; Edeline treated her more like an inconvenient pet than a sister (to the chagrin of Abelarde, who tried to talk to Edeline about her attitude; unfortunately, Edeline didn’t like him much better than Hildegarde.)

For all her cruelty, Edeline does care deeply about her family — who she considers her real family, anyway. She looks up to Ewald and is fiercely protective of Edwin. She joined the templars (a longtime childhood dream of hers), and quickly rose through the ranks and earned the respect of her peers. She views mages as creatures deserving pity — though not, notably, as people. She actually feels sorry for Hildegarde in this respect.

When she heard that Hildegarde was named the Herald of Andraste, and that some of her fellow soldiers actually considered her holy, she was furious. Her mousy, spoiled half-sister, a divine prophet? Ha!

Though Edwin, who had followed her for most of his life, thought that this was a sign to make amends with their half sister, Edeline saw it as another obstacle. When she was offered a strange new form of lyrium that was promised to make her even stronger, she took it without hesitation. And not a moment too soon — she heard that Hildegarde and her new entourage were coming to Therinfal Redoubt.

(Edeline will eventually be redeemed, but it’s a long and frankly exhausting road for everyone involved.)

Edwin Barragan: Hildegarde’s youngest half-brother. Edwin’s always been more of a follower, specifically towards Edeline; he followed her to the templars, but even before that, he followed her in everything since they were children… including the neglect of their half-sister. Edwin had his moments, though, being the first to apologize for a prank gone too far, and he would occasionally send Hildegarde gifts for her birthday. Still, overall, not the best brother, and that’s a fact that’s haunted him ever since Hilde was sent to the Circle. He knows what some of his fellow templars were like regarding mages — he worried for Hildegarde, but because they were related he couldn’t get stationed at her Circle due to conflict of interest.

When news comes that Hilde is the Herald, Edwin is overjoyed — she survived the Mage-Templar war, she survived the Conclave, and now she was coming to save the templars! Unfortunately, Edeline disagreed with his optimism, which led to their first real fight. Edeline went off with the Red Templars while Edwin joined the Inquistion.

In the Inquisition, Edwin finally apologizes to Hildegarde for his behavior and the two begin to reconnect as siblings. He also gets to bond more with his stepfather, who is delighted that his family is finally coming together. Edwin’s main mission is tracking down Edeline and trying to bring her back to reason.

He serves under Cullen, a man he has great respect for… Until he hears rumors among the soldiers that the Commander and the Inquisitor were caught sucking face on the battlements. Then he storms the Commander’s room to give him the shovel talk of the century. (Hildegarde is mortified. Abelarde approves. Cullen takes the whole thing very graciously. He has siblings, too; he knows how it is.)

Also, Edwin has a not-so-secret crush on Ser Delrin Barris.

[rjalker]

I keep forgetting to make the pie chart so anyways, here's this.

General spoilers for The Murderbot Diaries below the cut since it's just random sections from all the books.

the books are sorted into actual chronological order, not publish order.

I'll sort them and make a graph at some point.

Edit: Here's the pie chart :)

=====

All Systems Red aka Book 1

1

This is why I actually like riding with the cargo. Humans and augmented humans in close quarters with murderbots is too awkward.

2

It was based on a standard research group’s uniforms, and meant to be comfortable inside the habitat: knit gray pants, long-sleeved T-shirt, and a jacket, like the exercise clothes humans and augmented humans wore, plus soft shoes.

3

Dr. Gurathin, the least talkative one, was an augmented human and had his own implanted interface.

4

I thought they were being paranoid; even with the interfaces you actually have to read the words, preferably all the words. Sometimes non-augmented humans don’t do that. Sometimes augmented humans don’t do it either.

5

Gurathin wasn’t as talkative as the others, so I didn’t have much of a sense of his personality. He was the only augmented human in the group, so maybe he felt like an outsider, or something, even though the others clearly liked him.

6

I popped the joint on my left arm so I could move it in a way not usually compatible with a human, augmented human, or murderbot body.

7

Bots who are “full citizens” still have to have a human or augmented human guardian appointed, usually their employer; I’d seen it on the news feeds. And the entertainment feed, where the bots were all happy servants or were secretly in love with their guardians.

8

I said, “One of them is an augmented human, a systems engineer.

9

“I don’t know. The company systems are all proprietary, but if they have an augmented human who can hack into it—”

10

If they noticed the dataport in the back of my neck they must have thought I was an augmented human.

11

Looking at it I almost didn’t see the reporters until they were right up on us. They were augmented humans, with a couple of drone cams.

12

It sounded like a great place to live, if you were a human or augmented human.

13

I’d have to pretend to be an augmented human, and that would be a strain. I’d have to change, make myself do things I didn’t want to do.

14

I was wearing a survey team uniform, and passing as an augmented human, so nobody stopped me, or looked twice at me.

15

I took a knapsack from another locker, rolled up the jacket with the survey logo and tucked it into the bag, and now I looked like an augmented human traveling somewhere.

Artificial Condition aka Book 2

16

I skimmed it but most of my attention was on getting through the crowd while pretending to be an ordinary augmented human, and not a terrifying murderbot.

17

Fortunately, the humans and augmented humans were too busy trying to get wherever they were going or searching the feed for directions and transport schedules.

18

The dataport in the back of my neck was visible but the design was too close to the interfaces augmented humans often had implanted to draw any suspicion. Also, nobody thinks a murderbot is going to be walking along the transit mall like a person.

19

They hadn’t connected the idea of a purchased SecUnit with what they assumed was the generic augmented human person going into the hotel with Pin-Lee and Ratthi.

20

Once down on the access floor, I had to be extremely careful, as there was no reason for someone not working to be here, and while most of the work was being done by hauler bots, there were uniformed humans and augmented humans here, too.

21

But the presence in the feed was too big and diffuse for a human or augmented human, I could tell that much even through the feed walls protecting it.

22

When humans speak in the feed, they have to subvocalize and their mental voice tends to sound like their physical voice. Even augmented humans with full interfaces do it.

23

“I can pass as an augmented human.” Augmented humans are still considered humans. I don’t know if there are any augmented humans with enough implants to resemble a SecUnit.

24

I had gotten by so far because the humans and augmented humans in the commercial transport rings didn’t see SecUnits except on the entertainment feed or in the news, where we were mostly killing people or already blasted into pieces.

25

Rogue units killed their human and augmented human clients

26

My appearance, my ability to pass as an augmented human, had to be my new armor.

27

Humans and augmented humans shift their weight when they stand, they react to sudden sounds and bright lights, they scratch themselves, they adjust their hair, they look in their pockets or bags to check for things that they already know are in there.

28

I pointed out that many humans or augmented humans had the hair on their bodies removed, for hygienic or cosmetic reasons and because who the hell wants it there anyway.

29

::The procedure is simple.::

“For humans and augmented humans, yes.” I was stalling. I would have to interact with humans as an augmented human.

30

There were multiple open levels inside, with tables and chairs, and it was 40 percent full of humans and augmented humans.

31

I didn’t bother to try to analyze and identify them; I was too nervous and trying to focus on looking like an augmented human.

32

“Spliced” was an informal term for an augmented human; I’d heard it on the entertainment feed.

33

The shuttle was bot-driven and the only crew was one augmented human who seemed only there to check employment vouchers and shuttle passes.

34

Fortunately I remembered that nobody expected me to be compelled to answer all questions immediately. One of the benefits to being an augmented human security consultant rather than a construct SecUnit.

35

I was in contact with a friend who was able to use my augmented feed to download a new pilot module.

36

My altered configuration might fool humans and augmented humans, but not other SecUnits.

37

He stepped back, and glanced uncertainly at the other two, the second male human bodyguard and Tlacey, who was an augmented human female.

38

I noted two more potential threats enter the area. Both were augmented humans.

39

The other humans and augmented humans in the immediate area had watched it with open or surreptitious curiosity.

40

This private shuttle had the benefit not only of anonymity, but of an augmented human pilot who would be in place in case something interfered with the bot pilot.

41

The shuttle was already loaded into its slot and its hatch was open, with a small augmented human standing on the ramp to take the money.

42

Some augmented humans have implanted interfaces that allow it, but not all humans want lots of things inserted into their brains, go figure.

43

“You’re really augmented, aren’t you. Like, a lot. Like more than someone would choose voluntarily.”

44

The other thing about killware and malware is that they can’t do anything to humans or augmented humans.

45

The augmented human security consultant I was pretending to be would have done that.

Rogue Protocol aka Book 3

46

talked me into pretending to be an augmented human security consultant,

47

It was also bot-driven, no crew, but it carried passengers, mostly minimum to moderately skilled tech workers, human and augmented human, traveling to and from transit stations on temporary work contracts.

48

(The good thing about pretending to be an augmented human security consultant instead of a construct SecUnit is that you can tell the humans to shut up.)

49

I’d grabbed the first friendly cargo transport and after a seven-cycle trip I disembarked on a crowded transit hub, which was good, because crowds were easy to get lost in, and bad, because there were humans and augmented humans everywhere, all around me, looking at me, which was hell.

50

(They had only liked me because they thought I was an augmented human, but you can’t have everything.)

51

and I had written myself some code to make sure I behaved more like a human or augmented human.

52

I did stop in the ring mall, at an automated kiosk that sold feed interfaces for non-augmented humans, portable display surfaces, and memory clips.

53

Two augmented humans, carrying traveling packs and a couple of cases I recognized immediately.

54

I hesitated, because while I would rather not see a group of humans killed (again), I wasn’t their SecUnit, or even their pretend augmented human security consultant.

55

I heard Kader, one of the two augmented human pilots up on the shuttle’s flight deck, say,

56

I checked again to make sure our connection was secure, that the humans couldn’t hear it and none of the augmented humans could pick up an echo.

57

I didn’t think I could fake my way through that; my augmented human security consultant act had been hard enough to develop, and I wasn’t trying to fool people who knew me.

58

I had to admit I was a SecUnit; there was no augmented human who could do what I just did.

59

It was at this point I remembered Miki, and how I had told it I was an augmented human security consultant.

60

If she had been using her scan, she would have detected me just outside the hatch, but even with the feed, even augmented, humans can only think about one thing at a time.

Exit Strategy aka Book 4

61

If the humans who had diverted Ship were after me, they probably knew that a SecUnit without armor would look like an augmented human.

62

I had ridden on a transport with a whole crowd of humans who thought I was an augmented human security consultant and talked at me nonstop nearly the whole time.

63

It helps that in stations like this, humans and augmented humans are distracted.

64

None were in SecUnit armor, and I wasn’t picking up any pings, so they were probably all human or augmented human.

65

One of the new shows I’d downloaded randomly at HaveRatton turned out to be a long historical drama about early human exploration in space. It was listed as a fictionalized documentary (I’m not sure what that means, either) but there were attached sidebars throughout with info about the real history, which were supposedly accurate. It was odd to see that there had been a variation of SecUnits back then. They didn’t use cloned human parts, but actual human parts from humans who had catastrophic injuries or illnesses, and had decided to have their parts used for what they called Augmented Rovers.

66

Usually the transit ring circles the station, with the main part where humans and augmented humans live or do whatever in the center.

67

(You could tell which humans and augmented humans were trying to use its mapping function because they kept walking up to blocked exits and walls.)

68

These scans are usually searching for known humans or augmented humans that the station security is keeping tabs on, not random escaped SecUnits.

69

I walked up the last ramp surrounded by a crowd of humans and augmented humans, and on into the station mall.

70

And the humans and augmented humans wandering around randomly were distracting from the view.

71

It was a big shop, with lots of humans and augmented humans going in and out.

72

I crossed one of the multi-level plazas, where humans and augmented humans were sitting singly and in groups at scattered tables and chairs, talking, viewing entertainment media on the displays, or working in their feeds.

73

Humans, even augmented humans, subvocalize when they speak on the feed.

74

At the hotel entrance, I blended with a crowd of humans and augmented humans who were watching a floating advertising display that was showing funny short videos.

75

As I watched myself through the cameras I spotted four more potential hostiles, all augmented humans.

76

Though from their affect they were paying close attention to augmented humans wearing any kind of hood, hat, or scarf, or face-obscuring tattoos, cosmetics, or ornaments. Me, a generic type augmented human person with my hood folded down on my back, didn’t get a second glance.

77

So there were no camera feeds from the rooms, but the cameras in the corridors were picking up humans and augmented humans as they moved through the connecting passages and used the transport pods to go to and from the lobbies and the three sections of food and club areas.

78

The feed was choked and privatized, any humans or augmented humans not registered with the hotel required to pay a fee to use it, and the security was all focused on theft-prevention.

79

Or if that would even work, since presumably a high-security prisoner transfer would need to be signed off by a human or augmented human supervisor who might ask unanswerable questions.

80

I cut it together, labeled it “Murderbot Impersonates an Augmented Human Security Consultant,” and sent it to Gurathin.

81

There was nothing physical to set him apart from the other humans and augmented humans wandering in and out.

82

And by literally, I mean pods full of humans and augmented humans crashing into each other.)

83

The other humans and augmented humans on the platform looked confused or relieved, with a few expressing disappointment.

84

I’ve successfully impersonated an augmented human security consultant with two different groups of humans.

85

The humans and augmented humans stopped, flinched, looked around.

86

It was an augmented human, not a SecUnit, but the gun was big enough.

87

Two augmented humans in the corridor fell to the deck, writhing, and I threw walls around them, too.

88

The captain was trying to assemble the armed retrieval team to repel boarding, but half were augmented humans who were now incapacitated by the attack on their augments and the other half were fighting sealed doors to reach their defensive positions.

89

Ratthi was out in the corridor, doing rescue breathing on an augmented human crew member who had collapsed due to the attack on her augments.

90

It showed me an intel fragment from the boarding shuttle: manifest suggested a Combat SecUnit was aboard, along with an augmented human boarding team.

91

I was in a MedSystem, with the kind of equipment meant for humans or augmented humans recovering from serious medical procedures.

92

A dome overhead duplicated sky views from various Preservation planets, and actual humans and augmented humans stood around to answer questions for humans who wanted to live here.

93

There was some security monitoring to get past, and three augmented humans who were way too easily distracted by fake feed alerts for routine malfunctions.

[No instances of the word “augmented” in short story 4.5 that has a stupidly long name I'm not memorizing enough to type out.]

Fugitive Telemetry, in publishing order book 6, chronologically book 5 because Martha Wells decided to make things difficult for no reason.

94

Traffic was minimal here right now, but a bot that worked for the station was out with a glowing baton, directing humans, augmented humans, and drone delivery floaters away from the junction entrance and Station Security’s equipment.

95

it was more like it had been with the poor humans on the transport I used to get to HaveRatton, who thought I was an augmented human security consultant.

96

(For example, humans and augmented humans can’t sign away their rights to their labor or bodily autonomy in perpetuity; that’s like, straight-up illegal.)

97

Humans and augmented humans can have null feed IDs.

98

But the reason she was making it was that she didn’t trust me and she wanted any humans or augmented humans who came into contact with me to be warned, in case I decided to go on a murder rampage.

99

If I used it, the humans and augmented humans I encountered would think of me as a bot.

100

This photo had come from another source, maybe an augmented human’s feed camera.

101

On the first visit, after the photo of me was in the newsstream, we had talked about why humans and augmented humans are afraid of constructs, which I hadn’t meant to talk about and somehow ended up talking about anyway.

102

The second time we had talked I had somehow just come out and told her that I thought being here on Preservation Station as myself, and not pretending to be an augmented human or a robot, was disturbing and complicated and I didn’t know if I could keep doing it.

103

Or really, for any humans or augmented humans who wandered by.

104

I had to sort through the hundreds of different connections currently attached to the station feed in the transit ring, humans, augmented humans, bots, bot pilots, small and large scale port systems, all interlinked and busy doing their jobs.

105

There were still humans and augmented humans wandering around, plus some hauler bots and maintenance bots, catching up on cargo transfers that had been ordered before the port closure.

106

You wouldn’t think lying would be a problem for me, after 35,000 plus hours lying about not being a rogue SecUnit while on company contracts, then the whole lying about not being an augmented human and lying about being a non-rogue SecUnit with a fake human supervisor.

107

It was the kind of thing a human or augmented human could get away with saying, not a rogue SecUnit.

108

The low-level specialized lifters were parked and only a scatter of humans and augmented humans wandered the stacks of pressurized containers.

109

(None of them were augmented humans—apparently it wasn’t common to be feed augmented in the polities outside the Corporation Rim that used Preservation as a waystation.)

110

I accelerated the speed, pausing it for two seconds when any human, augmented human, or bot left either of the two exits.

111

The security system noted feed IDs of known humans and augmented humans (Security officers, Port Authority staff, the merchant crews who did regular runs to Preservation) and I’d used them to annotate my sped-up video.

112

Maybe because I knew where the humans and augmented humans who had last used this ship had gone, that their descendants were running around all over this system, and that one of them was in my secure feed right now, demanding an update.

113

Also, I’d spent a whole trip through a wormhole pretending to be an augmented human security consultant for humans who badly needed one, so I had coping mechanisms in place.

114

Which made sense; only the non-augmented contract labor would be able to leave BreharWallHan without being traced, and the escapees would know to leave their interfaces behind.

115

Our suspect pool had been a bunch of humans and augmented humans wandering around in the Merchant Docks mostly unobserved and not interacting with station systems, as we tried to identify an actor who could remove themselves from the few surveillance cameras at will.

116

Whoever the actor was in the Port Authority, it was a human or augmented human who thought they were pretty clever and able to manipulate systems to their advantage.

117

(Okay, so a human or augmented human might have made those same mistakes.

Network Effect, aka book 5, chronologically book 6

118

If you had to be in a crowd of humans, the crowds at this festival weren’t bad, since they were the distracted kind where all the humans and augmented humans are talking to each other or on comm or feed or hurrying to get places.

119

Plus, it was Preservation and there were no scanning drones, no armed human security, just some on-call human medics with bot assistants and “rangers” who mainly enforced environmental regulations and yelled at humans and augmented humans to get out of the way of the ground vehicles.

120

All the humans and augmented humans staying here for the festival made it a heavily populated area, but we were traveling through the section reserved for humans who actually wanted to sleep.

121

(Drones had picked up previously identified humans and augmented humans returning to the other houses or passing through the area, and I’d conducted safety checks on unidentified humans encountered for the first time.

122

I was cataloguing power signatures on some small mobility devices used by non-augmented humans for medical reasons; I hadn’t seen these anywhere in the Corporation Rim, though maybe that was because I hadn’t spent much time hanging out on planets with human populations not exclusively engaged in corporate slave labor.

123

My suit read the air system level as full, which meant normal for humans and augmented humans.

124

(I knew of forty-seven ways that ART could kill a human, augmented human, or bot intruder, and the only reason I didn’t know more is because I got bored and stopped counting.)

125

Was something else—bot or human or augmented human—

126

Somebody had to be here, bot or human or augmented human.

127

(Note to humans and augmented humans: no one likes being patronized.)

128

Two Targets faced Amena and the casualties: possibly augmented human; scan results null.

129

They looked like tall, thin augmented humans, with dull gray skin.

130

And why would Eletra, who was an augmented human with an internal interface, need a second external one?

131

I’d seen shows about humans and augmented humans trapped in wormholes indefinitely.

132

(SecUnits weren’t allowed to sit down, ever, but humans and augmented humans did it every chance they had.)

133

(humans, even augmented humans, can’t process multiple inputs like I can)

134

That’s why humans and augmented humans are so cautious around alien remnants that even corporations mostly try to be careful.

135

(You may have noticed, my processing capacity allows me to think about a lot of things and do a lot of things at the same time, more than humans, augmented humans, or lower functioning bots can.

136

They were cycling through engine status data on ART’s alien-remnant-augmented wormhole trip, occasionally making little horrified noises.

137

The only interesting new info was from one of ART’s crew members, an augmented human named Iris, who had added some newsfeed archives about the hostile takeover of Adamantine Explorations after the colony had been established.

138

I had converted my timeline into a format humans and augmented humans could read, annotated it, and put it up in the feed.

139

I alerted on Marne because I ran threat assessments on all humans and augmented humans attempting to approach or form new relationships with Dr. Mensah or her family or associates after the GrayCris incident.

140

I knew from threat assessments on Ratthi’s associates that he had a lot of relationships with all genders of humans and augmented humans and he and they all seemed very happy about it.

141

“They’re SecUnits?” Thiago asked, horrified.

I can see why he might think that. I said, “They’re augmented humans who were chemically enhanced. They don’t feel pain, their reflexes and reaction times are accelerated. They have the physical strength of a SecUnit, but not the feed connectivity or processing capacity. So they’re harder to detect, and even more disposable.”

142

The static swirled artistically into an image of a human or augmented human wearing the same red and brown uniform as Eletra and Ras.

143

Name: Supervisor Leonide, augmented, Barish-Estranza Exploration Services ID, gender: female, femme-neutral

144

ART knew all about that because it was the one who had altered my configuration to help me pass as an augmented human.

145

“I would prefer you go as an augmented human.”

“Why do you want me to pretend to be an augmented human? This way is easier.”

146

They had guessed I was a bodyguard but I had dropped my pretend-human code while I was still in the EVAC suit and it was starting to register with them that I might not be an augmented human.

147

(SecUnits make humans and augmented humans uncomfortable and on my contracts, my clients had acted in a variety of nervous and inconsistent ways when I was around.

148

(What I use when I fight/do security is a minimum level of response, which is meant to minimize damage to humans and augmented humans and the company’s property, which means taking into account a lot of factors.

149

“It’s to keep the humans and augmented humans from leaving the planet.”

150

Terraforming projects designed to get everything livable and ready way before the humans and augmented humans moved in were expensive longterm investments, but they didn’t fail like this.

151

(I know, it’s a logo, but I hate it when humans and augmented humans ruin things for no reason.

152

It was clearly meant to be operated mostly via the feed, by humans and augmented humans who were coming in to deliver a cargo to the planet and then leave, probably as rapidly as possible.

153

(This was a line from Valorous Defenders, which is a great source for things humans and augmented humans think SecUnits say that SecUnits do not actually say.)

154 [this is so fucking ableist I want to scream]

The two augmented humans GrayCris had sent to kill Dr. Mensah had been less sentient than hauler bots; somebody had kept them drugged and docile, waiting for the right moment for deployment.

155

Activity hadn’t returned to normal, there were lots of humans and augmented humans and bots clustering together in public areas waiting for announcements.

156 [wow look it's explicit this time!!!]

It’s probably not a human; I don’t think a human could do this through a removable interface, so that’s twelve augmented humans.

157

(Confession time: that moment, when the humans or augmented humans realize you’re really here to help them. I don’t hate that moment.)

158

It would have gotten to the augmented humans who had their interfaces built into their brains, then used them to infect the humans with external removable interfaces.

159

ART got the infection from an augmented human, like this system did.

160

I’d been trying to get ART to avoid contact with potentially infected systems, when it was infected augmented humans we had to worry about.

[apilgrimpassingby]

Don't know what a chipotle is; maybe it's an American thing.

I don't have a problem with it per se, though I don't think it's always the best - some ecologies are just better suited to raising livestock than crops. What I really don't like are vegans who regard omnivores as inherently depraved or behave as though veganism is free of ethical issues (it really isn't).

Yellow. I just find it ghastly.

The Night Hag - for those of you who don't know, a folklore staple where people wake up paralysed and terrified, usually with the sense and often with the vision of an evil presence - encountered, with remarkable consistency, in nearly all cultures, even those without a body of folklore around it. I recently finished David Hufford's The Terror that Comes in the Night (a seminal book about it, published by Pennsylvania University Press) and it's striking that, not only is it global, there's no confirmed, or even particularly strong, scientific explanation for it - and, 40 years after Hufford's work was published, that seems to still be the state of affairs. I also noted that, according to Hufford, people who resist it suffer no ill effects, while people who give in to it usually suffer years of anguish, up to and including psychosis. Resist the devil and he will flee from you, indeed.

Roasted, no contest.

No, I have my phone.

Mantas. Their mouths are really funny to me.

No.

No.

I've never been on a plane, but probably orange juice.

My cuddly sloth, called Sloth.

I don't pay much attention to these things.

Bolting the door and hiding.

Currently, no.

Worst to "best": burning, freezing, drowning.

Bleurgh. I hate mint.

Nothing much, I think.

Eh?

Aubergine. Blargh.

I don't know; most likely Beauty and the Beast.

13. I'm not generally a superstitious person, but I make an exception there.

No.

No.

British English, most certainly guv'nah.

I like to think I do. Weird taste, certainly.

Pitifully low.

Cargo shorts and flannel shirt.

Big mixed Chinese takeaway.

Tagliatelle.

Favourite farm animal and why?

weirdly specific and unrelated asks to know someone well:

chipotle order?

thoughts on veganism?

a specific color that gives you the ick?

mythical creature you think/believe is real?

favorite form of potato?

do you use a watch?

what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

do you change into specific clothes for the house when you get home?

do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice?

anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

first thing you’re doing in the purge?

do you think you’re dehydrated?

rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning

thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

your boba/tea order?

the veggie you dislike the most?

favorite disney princess movie?

a number that weirds you out?

do you have an emotional support water bottle?

do you wear jewelry?

which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

would you say you have good taste in music?

how’s your spice tolerance?

what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

last meal on earth?

preferred pasta noodle?

ask me anything !

leave an ask for the person you reblog it from!

[hismercytomyjustice]

Omfggg I cannot believe my little BG3 fic is about to hit 70 subscribers!!! (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)

It is wonderful and terrifying all at the same time haha!!! It’s also weirdly humbling knowing almost 70 people trust me and this story enough to want updates as it’s posted???

Thank fuck I’ve written most of it already because otherwise I would be STRESSING TF OUT.

I crossed the 75k word threshold the other day. The 75k maximum I thought I would probably hit seeing as I’ve never written much over like 50k before and that was only once in the fanfic world and 3x in the “this will likely never see the light of day” original work world haha.

PLEASE TELL ME HOW THE FUCK I STILL FOUR FULL CHAPTERS LEFT TO WRITE.

In the event you clicked to see more, just know you’re about to see a lot of rambling of mental health and writing.

I’m winding down chapter 14 now and chapter 18 is at least 50-75% done after I skipped to it in a panic due to the massive writers block I hit in 13 over hardcore stressing over my characterization of Cazador. Just “he is not being horrible enough, he needs to be more horrible, but not too horrible or this fic will need to be even longer and I’m already wildly out of my word count comfort zone” lol.

So that leaves the tail end of 14 and 18, and then I just have to write 15, 16, and 17.

Oh thank fuck. It’s only three I thought it was four full length ones left. Oh god. This simultaneously brings me relief and anxiety lmaooo.

Oh god.

But this fic is going to have such a special place in my heart because writing it has reminded me THAT I LOVE WRITING.

I’ve barely written in the last decade for a variety of reasons and tbh until I started writing this fic, I was starting to wonder if I really even enjoyed writing and wanted to do it anymore.

Not because I didn’t, but because the level of passion I used to have for it seemed to just be…missing? I kept thinking “it’s so weird how writing used to be such a huge part of my life and now I never seem to be able to do it or want to do it”.

I’ve come to realize in the last month or so, the biggest culprit was my previously semi-diagnosed OCD. Second biggest may have been my definitely undiagnosed ADHD.

Any time I’d try to sit down to plot or draft or anything I would get into OCD spirals and either completely talk myself out of it or get into it for a little bit and then hit a roadblock in the story I couldn’t get past or convince myself what I wrote was awful and no one would ever want to read it because I would get bored writing it so why the hell would anyone want to read it? So then I’d convince myself I needed to read up on the craft of writing to make up for my deficiencies. And the more I learned the more I realized I didn’t know or the more deficiencies I saw and the more I’d get into my own head.

I spent some much time kind of wishing I hadn’t read so many books, went to so many convention panels, listened to so many podcasts about writing, etc. Because any time I looked at a blank page, I couldn’t get out of my own head enough to fucking WRITE.

Just an endless stream of: The first line is super important and has to hook the reader, make sure you start in the middle of the story, your protagonist should have xyz, your villain should have abc, every sentence should do more than one thing, if you don’t regularly make time to write you’re not a real writer, all these other people make time to write and their lives are way busier than yours so what’s wrong with you, you must hate writing otherwise you’d actually do it, you’ll never get anything published because you lack discipline, etc etc etc.

I just desperately wanted to go back to the days where I could just flip open a blank notebook and go to town without giving a shit about what anyone else thought a story had to be and without second guessing every single letter I put on the page.

And then such a weird combo of stars aligned that finally made me remember why I fucking love writing and why I do it in the first place???

Consuming media that makes me passionate about storytelling and reawakens my creative drive.

My friend offhandedly mentioning she writes on her phone sometimes and isn’t a phone kind of like a little notebook you can carry around and whip out whenever? Bonus, you don’t have to retype everything after writing by hand!

Getting officially officially diagnosed with OCD. Third therapist’s is a charm amirite? If I had a nickel for every therapist who told me I was exhibiting signs of OCD I’d have three nickels… I didn’t even go to my current therapist for OCD. My former therapist suggested finding a specialist in exposure therapy to help with an unrelated phobia (I will not go into on here and probably never will because it’s deeply personal) and the specialist I found happens to specialize in OCD because exposure therapy is often used to treat it.

And my current therapist taught me what OCD thought spirals are, how they start up, how they take root, how they get out of control. Suddenly it wasn’t just “oh, I have anxiety so I need to use decision techniques to combat it” it was “ohhh this is therapy designed with my brain in mind and my brain isn’t as weird or scary as I thought.” It’s just wild to spend decades of your life thinking your brain is fucked up and you don’t understand what’s wrong with it so how could anyone but then you get a literal fucking worksheet that maps out an example spiral with a note on it that reads “this you?”.

Specifically, she taught me about Inference-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (ICBT). If anyone reads this and is curious about ICBT. this article does a pretty good job of explaining it.

It was just wild to look at this piece of paper that was like “oh, no, this is a regular/common enough brain thing that we’ve done research on it and made a fun little worksheet for it” that makes it all feel so weirdly mundane and less scary as a result? Like decades of “I’m scared of my own brain” turned into “your brain isn’t scary, there’s a clear pattern to this kind of thing and lots of people go through it”.

And then I decided to take piano lessons. Because I started writing a POTO AU before I started my BG3 fic and I remembered how much I loved music in the same way. How much I enjoy the violin but struggle to get myself to play now that I’m not part of an ensemble. And that was another thing I haven’t found much joy in lately either.

And my OCD went off the fucking RAILS with that. Because of all my insecurities around being someone who always struggled to practice regularly and realizing how much of a refresher I needed on music in general after so much time away. Leaving lessons wanting to cry because of how fucking stupid an inept I felt and being utterly convinced I was wasting my teacher’s time.

BUT. Because of ICBT and my therapist, I could see I was hardcore OCD spiraling. It marginally helped because at least part of me was like “okay, these feelings aren’t the truth and they are irrational” even as I still struggled to find any actual self-compassion over it all. Because why the fuck is wrong with me it’s piano, I am paying for lessons, I do not have to be perfect. My therapist insisted my only obligation was to just show up for the lessons and SHE IS RIGHT. Like, yeah, it’s great to practice and I want to get better at it, but OCD-ing myself to the point I’m fucking miserable and never practice (much like I did with writing) is not the answer.

Piano made me realize my OCD impacts my day-to-day life in a variety. Not just my 10/10 OCD spirals/fears.

Do I still struggle with how fucking ridiculous getting worked up over voluntarily taking piano lessons made me feel? 10000%. Am I actually enjoying and looking forward to my lessons and actually practicing because I want to instead of feeling paralyzed or over analyzing or avoiding or forcing myself to? Also 10000% true!!! It’s fucking wild how much you can enjoy things you like when your OCD SHUTS THE FUCK UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN SECONDS.

Like obvs I still have a lot of work to do on the OCD front, but I’ve made so much fucking progress over the past few months. It feels like night and day sometimes. If you’d told me like 6 months ago I’d have written 75k on one fanfic in addition more on others, I would have laughed on your face and then doom spiraled about it.

God I have missed actually ENJOYING things. My therapist was not exaggerating when she talked about me having a breakthrough last session about overcompensating and how it negatively has impacted myself and my fledgling self-compassion.

It feels so fucking GOOD.

Navigating OCD and ADHD, especially as a late diagnosed person isn’t easy. I’m still learning so much and also puzzling out what does and doesn’t work for me. But for the first time in such a long time, I feel like I’m actually making progress on those fronts and it is such a fucking relief after borderline hating myself for years now.

This got wildly out of hand, but OH WELL. I’m just so fucking happy and relieved to be seeing some progress for myself that I was starting to worry might never fucking happen.

[j4m3s-b4k3r]

Fiction in LIFE

I’ve had some amazing experiences in my life. I’ve eaten guinea pig under crystal-clear Milky Way nights at high-altitude on Lake Titicaca. I walked on The Great Wall of China. But some of my most memorable moments were not even real. They were pure fiction. Books, films, & TV shows that gave me sorrow, surprise & excitement - fictional moments that have stayed with me as indelibly as if they were real events. As hilarious as it may be to admit that the 13 year old me probably felt more engagement from watching “STAR WARS” than with any real event of 1977, I suspect that I’m not unusual. Homo Sapiens is the story-telling animal, and fiction is a big part of any human life nowadays. 

Even before social media & the internet, TV & film, and long before the printing press, people enjoyed stories. Back when we average peasants were unable to read, people were likewise enthralled by storytellers, whether at the hearth, the tavern, the pulpit or the stage. However, when pre-literate people felt excitement, love, or horror it was mostly from primary sources. From a life actually lived. They were not so immersed in fiction as we are today. 

Nowadays, fiction can now actually be more durable than reality. My memories of “RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK” may be sharper than my memories of long-ago actual visits to Machu Picchu, or bicycling through pagoda sunsets in Bagan. Simply because those real events from my own life can be never be re-experienced, but fictional events can be re-played simply by pressing a button. I could of course revisit Machu Picchu, but the crowded site of 2023 could not feel as in 1989, when it was empty. That particular moment continues only in the memories of the few who were there. 

As well as my years roaming the world & having real life adventures, I’ve also spent years doing the polar opposite, as a medical shut-in. When the scope of my actual world was severely limited, my life was enriched virtually by my access to streaming services. So I truly appreciate the life-saving power of fiction, and have thought a lot about its place in a real, lived human life. 

The human sensitivity to narrative enriches our lives, but leaves us vulnerable too. To manipulation - whether a spam email about a lost inheritance, a political grift about the ‘other’ coming to take your stuff, or someone you know trying to warp your perception of things - the con always begins with a story..

Do other social animals communicate with stories? Do Crows tell each-other legends? Do Dolphins lie to their pod-mates? Can Elephants spread gossip? Do Wolves boast? I’m not sure.. but it is certain that we humans carry a lot of narratives in our minds. We are the Fiction-Loving Animal. Constantly reinterpreting reality, with stories about others or ourselves, sometimes self-defeating. 

This is not to deride fiction itself. After all, I work in the story business - crafting ‘lies’ that will hopefully make people laugh, and feel, or think, and even question. Our ready access to fiction in the modern era can wonderfully broaden our human experience. We’ve all visited outer space, been terrified of creatures that don’t exist, & felt empathy over tragic events that never happened, and come to love (or loathe) non-existent people. Just as facts can be used selectively to lie, I believe that fiction can be used to expose truths. 

I love stories, and my life has been greatly enriched by art, in all its forms. A life devoid of art sounds horrible, but a life of only fiction would be empty too. The nutrition of human existence comes from living real experiences with real people. The art that moves us, does so because it has bottled that feeling, and was made by a human being who’d likewise experienced a lived-life. Fiction is one of the best inventions homo sapiens ever came up with, but must be balanced against living a REAL life. 

Originally published at: https://www.james-baker.com

[whimsicaldragonette]

Blog Tour and ARC Review: Love Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

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Publication Date: June 13, 2023

Welcome to the Love Theoretically book tour with Berkley Publishing Group. (This blog tour post is also posted on my Wordpress book review blog Whimsical Dragonette.)

Synopsis:

The many lives of theoretical physicist Elsie Hannaway have finally caught up with her. By day, she’s an adjunct professor, toiling away at grading labs and teaching thermodynamics in the hopes of landing tenure. By other day, Elsie makes up for her non-existent paycheck by offering her services as a fake girlfriend, tapping into her expertly honed people pleasing skills to embody whichever version of herself the client needs. Honestly, it’s a pretty sweet gig—until her carefully constructed Elsie-verse comes crashing down. Because Jack Smith, the annoyingly attractive and broody older brother of her favorite client, turns out to be the cold-hearted experimental physicist who ruined her mentor’s career and undermined the reputation of theorists everywhere. And that same Jack who now sits on the hiring committee at MIT, right between Elsie and her dream job. Elsie is prepared for an all-out war of scholarly sabotage but…those long, penetrating looks? Not having to be anything other than her true self when she’s with him? Will falling into an experimentalist’s orbit finally tempt her to put her most guarded theories on love into practice?

Author Bio:

I’m originally from Italy, lived in Japan and Germany, and eventually moved to the US to pursue a Ph.D. in Neuroscience. I recently became a professor, which absolutely terrifies me. When I’m not at work you can find me binge-watching shows with my three feline overlords (and my slightly less feline husband), running, or eating candy.

I’m represented by the amazing Thao Le of the Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency.

My Rating: ★★★★★

*My Review and Favorite Quotes below the cut.

My Review:

The things I love best about Ali Hazelwood's books are the bitingly accurate portrayals of what it's like to be a woman in STEM academia. They are consistent and really highlight how much work needs to be done in regards to workplace equality. At the same time, the characters all display a realistic passion for the sciences and an inherent social awkwardness that, as a former Caltech student, really ring true and make the book feel like coming home. The romances are a little bit formulaic with the small woman, big hulking man trope, but they center ideas of being true to yourself and finding out what you really want. The leading men are always decent, kind, considerate and willing to (eventually) treat the women with care and understanding. It was painful to watch Elsie contort her personality to fit whatever she thought the person she was interacting with would want to see, and I was so happy to see her work to shake those habits and learn to stand up for what *she* wants. Jack was hugely instrumental in helping her on the road to finding herself and it was so refreshing. The fake dating plotline was hilarious, as was Jack's grandmother Millicent. I loved their relationship. Every time I read an Ali Hazelwood novel I am transported back to my days as an aspiring scientist and they make me seriously nostalgic for both the good and bad parts of being in STEM and I find myself eager for the next hit of that nostalgia. There seriously aren't enough romances that capture that feeling of the peculiar world that is STEM academia. *Thanks to NetGalley and Berkley for providing an early copy for review.

Favorite Quotes:

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a room so full of honesty before, but I’m positive that not a single lie has been uttered since I came into this house. It’s exhilarating, but in a stomach-dropping way. Like a roller coaster, or eating blue cheese.

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“There is no guarantee that—“ “There is no guarantee that we won’t be suctioned off the surface of the earth by a demonically possessed vacuum cleaner.”