#12 year old me committed to the fucking bit

[speakercrab666]

lmao mum was talking about these friends of friends i’ve met like twice ever and i didn’t remember who they were until i remembered being 12 years old and repeatedly whacking the dad with my book (while still keeping my page) for making a gay joke, after sitting through like an hour of the intensely feminist mum (heart in the right place, very misguided) insisting that i was oppressed and subconsciously ashamed of my body (i wasn’t) bc i refused to shave my legs but also ‘hid’ them by wearing pants a lot.

shaving is pointless if ur 12 and autistic and have no concept of the social expectation that gives many young girls that final push to start shaving, and pants are great when ur 12 and autistic and obsessed with collecting as many different colours of skinny jeans as possible bc they’re comfy and u love colours.

also their daughter was ANNOYING. she has a baby now tho which is alright bc i do actually think she’s smart as well as annoying.

[zerosconsort]

Zero's Fic Binding - Maybe Tomorrow

Maybe Tomorrow by @scifigrl47

Fandom: The Avengers (Marvel) – All Media Types

Ship: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Start Date: 4/12/24

End Date: 5/2/24

Pages: 433

On my list of fics to bind, Maybe Tomorrow was the one I saw the most clearly in my head before I started. I had an idea in my mind immediately - knew what I wanted the cover to look like, knew the chapter headers - the vision for this bitch was so clear the entire time I was working on it.

The fic is a an Annie retelling. I wanted the cover to combined a playbill vibe - pulling the city scape from some of the covers - and the Gatsby vibe. The Empire state building was my main inspiration - it combines those two thing brilliantly.

I could not find a skyline of New York that I like. So I made one. This cover is built out of MANY small squares that are masked behind other squares. There are…so many individual paces of this cover. It took me WAY to long, but I this was one of those times where I knew exactly what I wanted this to look like, and I did it.

Ok, let me nerd out for a second. Specifically I wanted the sun burst on the front - and on the top of the spine - here to look like some of the old art deco elevators floor indicators. The hollow gold really fucking pulls the whole cover together. The Broadway font, the hollow gold vinyl - honestly, this was my favorite cover. It's the most themed, that's for sure - and also the most detailed.

End pages are that lovely art deco arch. Commit to the bit. Can tell that the binding tape is a little thick/the end paper is a little to thin - so you can see them ghosting just slightly. Still, the shiny gold fans were fucking perfect.

Ok, moving on. The typeset for this chunky boy is also lovely. Every chapter has different top header frames. The Broadway style font for the headers and the drop caps are all gold.

This was my first try imbedding images into the chapters as well, relating them to whatever is going on in the fic.

Including the shot of my splash page too. I've started to define this a lot more now, but this was the first time I think I detailed this page this much.

This is one of my fucking favorite fics. I love everything about it - the plot, the character writing, the mood. Scifigrl47 was the first writer I tripped over on my way into the Steve/Tony fandom….fucking, what? Ten years ago? It's a pleasure to read their fics, always, and I'm ecstatic to have it on my shelf now.

If you somehow haven't read this fic, you're welcome.

[kamakrazeeee]

slit headcanons (with a good sprinkling of slit/nux hc as well)

(from me little google doc that is getting longer and longer the more my brain rots about mad max)

is around 28 during Fury Road; is about 5 years older than nux

did not have a name until he was a preteen pup (i hc that most pups don't have a name until they choose one for themselves, and bc of slit's volatile nature, he was referred to oftentimes as ‘mutt’ instead of pup). he was becoming aware of the fact that war boys aren't anything unless they have something to make them different, to make them identifiable. when he slit his cheek open with a glass shard at age 12, from then-on he was referred to as “Slit-Mouth” and soon after it was shortened to “Slit”

slit meets nux when he is about 13. when slit is officially initiated as a war boy (i assume they officially become war boys when they reach 17 or 18), they don't see each other again until nux is also initiated.

slit has always been rather annoyed at/jealous of how fast nux learns things, and how everyone admires him for it. slit learns things quite fast, too, but being a lancer is not nearly as shine as being a driver.

when nux becomes a war boy and is made a driver, his first pick for lancer is slit. slit had a hard time keeping drivers, most of them either not being good enough for him or their chemistry failing horribly. slit and nux, with a few bumps, worked flawlessly.

he teases nux about many things and can be straight up mean to him at times. however, when he realizes he may have gone too far, he makes up for it in his own ways, which usually just involves him bringing nux small trinkets or giving him his own cola ration (or soothes nux by simply holding him a bit tighter at night). he will never utter the words ‘sorry’ unless he's under the influence of some bad rotgut or on his death bed.

slit is quite popular among the war boys, kind of like a cool kid that a lot of boys are intimidated by (for good reason, he's a nasty prick and tough as hell!)

slit is known as a vicious fighter and not someone to pick fights with. the stapled scars on his body show just how little fucks he gives about being hurt in combat.

when he starts losing vision in his right eye, he gets more irritable and moody. once he learns how to live and lance with this new impairment, he eventually returns back to normal, but gets in a mood when the occasional headache comes knocking

though he is loyal, he's not particularly the most religious war boy. he'll pray when he's asked to, and believes in the word of the immortan, but he's not super keen on obeying every little commandment. he's a bit more pragmatic in that sense, realizing at an earlier age that they all worship a man who doesn't even know who they are.

can be quite promiscuous, but only until he finally bunks up with nux and “commits” to him

when nux’s grease rag becomes so ratty and full of holes that it is basically useless, slit gives him his old red scarf to replace it. he won't admit it, but it makes him feel something real soft when he notices how delicate nux is with it, making sure it is kept clean when he's not using it for black thumb work.

likes watching nux work on cars, and has learned a lot from him, even though he tells nux how boring it is.

his second mouth slit comes to be when he becomes a war boy. this time he uses a real knife, and cuts through his cheek nearly all the way to his ear. though he's able to stitch up some parts, he has to use a stapler to keep the more gaping parts together. it's horrifying and it's painful, but man did he love hearing his brothers cheer and shout and hype him up as he did it

absolutely loves the heat. if he was able to, he'd probably be as tan as an Imperator, sprawled out on the hoods of cars and scorching hot rocks

will sometimes skip meals just to avoid “getting fat and happy,” which just means he doesn't want to rely on it more than he absolutely has to

was absolutely enraged when he and nux were not allowed to join the forces for the 40-Day War, blames nux for it since nux was still a younger war boy at that point (a recent initiate), assuming that the gap between the 40-Day War and the events of Fury Road is about 4-5 years

slit loves teasing nux for his dreams of driving a war rig, but can't help daydreaming about being a lancer on nux’s imaginary war rig

though he's very popular, most war boys ignore it when he's being the #1 Hater. it's just bad vibes!

he's the one who decorates nux’s coupe, so it has ✨personality✨

doesn't like war pups, but can't help feeling a lil soft when he sees nux interacting with them

likes to shave nux’s hair when it starts coming back in. just likes grooming and cleaning him in general. ❤️

has carried nux to the organic mechanic so many times in the middle of the night. he acts annoyed and frustrated every time, but does it anyway, every single time. will sometimes sleep in the blood shed with him.

[jokerfic]

Not you popping out of nowhere a year later with a new fic in a fandom I'm going to have to learn about so that I can read it

the way I'm literally so sorry it's not Dark Knight Joker (I've been putting in work on that fic too this year, I promise! it's sitting at 70 pages and if this frenzy of productivity lasts I hope to turn it towards that next, Ledger Joker is somehow always easier for me to write in the winter) but the heart wants what it wants when it wants it, and Jerome Valeska, who is a bigger flirt and a better boyfriend to an OC (somehow, despite the… atrocities) than TDK Joker is what this heart wants right now.

but since I've got you can I give you (and anyone else out of the know) my elevator pitch on Fox's Gotham right quick? There'll be some spoilers but only the kind of spoilers I think you need to hear to decide whether or not you want to watch this show, I prommy. THANKS

ok SO do you ever find yourself wondering when comic book properties got so BORING? do you ask yourself where all the color went? do you find yourself nodding along when your buddy complains that if comic book show writing is gonna be so shitty, it might as well also be fun? look no further than seasons 2-5 of Gotham I promise you will not regret watching seasons 2-5 of Gotham

(season 1 was when they were committed to trying to run it like a straight prequel where Batman and his entire Rogues gallery wouldn't exist for another 20 years, and they also thought they were making a gritty detective show about the GCPD, although nobody was allowed to say fuck and everyone both outside of canon and in it knew that the best place to "detect" criminals in Gotham was inside the GCPD itself, but fortunately they gave that up after one season and switched over to just doing a kidfic version of Batman with a slightly-younger-but-still-weirdly-adult-given-that-they're-beefing-with-a-12-year-old Rogues Gallery)

Gotham, once it hits its stride in season 2, thinks it's a comic book movie from the 90s. Gotham thinks it's a comic book run from the 90s, period. I think almost every major character dies and comes back to life at least once. It's in the same nebulous simultaneously modern and steampunky-old-fashioned time period as A Series of Unfortunate Events and they lean harder into the design with every season that passes. Nobody has any common sense and NOBODY talks like a person. Gotham features the wettest, cuntiest version of Oswald Cobblepot I've ever seen and at one point he gets fake haunted (? it's been a while, I'm not clear on that point anymore).

(They do introduce Jerome in Season 1, though, so you might have to watch the first season after all. sorry.)

At some point they cast Cameron Monaghan as a character they named Jerome Valeska and they're like "Okay, Cam. You are playing a PROTO-JOKER. The real actual Joker isn't around yet and besides we don't have the rights to him, so be subtle, right? Play it cool. Just tasteful hints."

And Cam went "10-4, heard you loud and clear, dw about a thing" and then proceded to blast everyone's nips off when he did what every actor to play the Joker after Heath Ledger has been desperate to do and THEN some-- not only did he play the spiritual successor to Ledger's Joker, but he played the spiritual successor to Nicholson's Joker, he played the spiritual successor to Hamill's Joker, he did his own thing, the shifting nature of the role meant he was able to be like 6 different Jokers at once and every single one of them fucks. Like, I legitimately 100% believe his performance on this not-quite-CW-Batman TV show made a big enough splash that it played a part in the DC execs looking at Jared Leto's Machine Gun Kelly-meets-Spirit Halloween Mallrat Joker cosplay and going "…I think I've had enough of this guy," thank God.

Obviously Jerome is TO ME the heir to the Joker throne with no contest at all, not even a little bit, and besides him, the show is a blast and feels like what Batman felt like to me as a little kid-- like the 90s movies, like the animated series. Is it GOOD? I'm obviously too emotionally compromised to give you a solid answer. I suspect not, but if you're like me (and if you like my writing, then I think you probably are), you don't need good as much as fun and interesting, and Gotham is definitely that. It's streaming on Max, but if for SOME incomprehensible reason you don't want to watch one literal hundred 40-minute episodes of Riverdale-but-make-it-Batman, I am 100% amenable to uploading the 13 episodes that feature Jerome onto my google drive and posting the links here for anyone who wants them lmao. (If it's not obvious, it's the sort of show where you don't really have to watch everything to figure out what's going on-- it's a soap opera, you'll get the gist.)

ok that wasn't so much an elevator pitch as it was a stuck-on-the-bus-with-a-guy-who-won't-stop-trying-to-get-you-to-join-his-cult pitch but give it some thought anyway, ok? ok. love you bye

[stageplaymlp]

Hi I wanna start Trigun and you're the person in my feed who mentions it most, should I start with the manga, the old anime or Stampede?

Honestly? You can start wherever. The main three versions of Trigun (1998 anime, the manga, Stampede) are all incredibly varied and you'll get different things out of them. It's a "pick your poison" type deal. I'll give you a quick run down of the different versions so you can choose which is best for you, anon

It's also worth noting that my personal journey with Trigun went: '98 -> Stampede -> TriMax -> BLR

(Oh yeah, there's also a movie called Badlands Rumble. We'll get to it)

'Trigun' / 'Trigun: Maximum' manga: I think it'd be best to start this discussion with the source material. If you're looking for the most complete and rounded story of Trigun, this is it, mainly because it ran the for the longest out of all versions, and is a finished work (Stampede is ongoing). It's also worth noting that this is the darkest version of Trigun so far and goes into some very heavy subject matter (gore, (mostly offscreen) SA, suicidal ideation, etc.) There's a tumblr post listing the various trigger warnings that I'll link at the end of this section. That said, it is definitely my favourite version of Trigun narratively and BOY is it an emotional roller coaster. It's what gave me the brain worms. It's got a good mix of the silly and the sad, while also going BUCKWILD near the end. It's great. Highly reccomend

Oh, yeah, the manga is also split into Trigun and TriMax because the magazine it was published in got canned. Trigun was then picked up again by a new publisher with an added subtitle. Trigun is 2 volumes while TriMax is 14. The manga as a whole ran from 1995-2008. It's all one continous story so don't worry, with the events of TriMax picking up two years after the events of Trigun in-universe

Here's the post btw: https://www.tumblr.com/blackblockconsortia/719247451003977728/and-now-for-trimax-general-warnings-for-trimax

'Trigun' 1998 anime: Ah, the OG, for me at least. Watched this back in 2018 and started me on this ride. It should be worth noting that at the time of 98's creation, only the two volumes of Trigun and the first two volumes of TriMax were out at the time. Due to this, the 98 anime is about 60% filler (as in, anime original content) and it has its own ending, too. I consider it its own story compared to the manga, despite directly adapting a number of its storylines. 98 is only 26 episodes and leans very heavily into the comedic, episodic element in the first half of the story. The manga has this too, but 98 commits to the bit more. Then the second half rolls around and punches you square in the gut. It's great. Not nearly as dark as the manga or Stampede, but 14 y/o me was DEVASTATED by the end of it. Absolutely iconic. Also, while the ending is different to the manga with how things shake out, it's satisfying in its own way

'Trigun: Stampede' 2023 anime: This here is what reignited my love for this series. Now, Stampede is a VERY DIFFERENT BEAST to the 98 anime, which I think is part of why people were hesitant about it on reveal (including me). Stampede is a lot more serious in tone and less episodic, keeping to a consistent plot episode-to-episode (for the most part). It's also only 12 episodes in length as of season 1. The anime is also 3D, but the animation is BEAUTIFUL. Studio Orange know what the fuck they're doing. I also need to mention that Stampede is a reimagining of the manga, not a direct adaptation. It takes the same concepts, lore, characters and themes and moulds them into something new (kind of like the different versions of TMNT). If you watch 98 or read the manga before this one, you will have to go in with an open mind and heart. It's good, though, I promise. What's fun about Stampede is that it came out after the manga was finished, so characters and backstory elements that never got adapted into 98 (because they didn’t exist at the time) finally get animated. I'd say it's more faithful to the story and tone of the manga than 98, but with its own flavour mixed in. It was clearly made with a lot of love for the franchise, too

'Badlands Rumble' movie: BLR came out in 2010 and treats itself like an extra episode of the 98 anime for the most part. It's its own self-contained story, and plays off of the dynamics and characterisation of 98 than other versions, with a number of nods to the anime mixed in. Hell, a new version of the 98 anime opening 'H.T.' even shows up in the soundtrack. It doesn't tie into the wider story of any version of Trigun, but if you want another silly adventure with some killer action scenes, then I'd reccomend it. I'd suggest watching 98 before this, though, but it won't ruin the movie if you don't. You can know fuck all about Trigun and enjoy this. Although, warning for Vash being a bit of a weirdo to the leading lady. He needs to calm down

There was also a tie-in manga for the release of the movie called 'Trigun: Multiple Bullets'. The first two chapters directly follow the events of BLR, while the rest of the chapters are an anthology made by guest artists. Warning, though, most of the other chapters take place after the events of TriMax and can contain spoilers. In terms of quality, the chapters are... Okay. I like some more than others. Boichi (mangaka of Dr. Stone) drew a Very Manly Vash and he scares me. Also, I should mention the storyline about the side-character, Rei-Dei the Blade, has offscreen SA and CSA. It took me off guard because I didn't know it was in there, and it's pretty messed up. I'd still recommend MB if you want some extra Trigun, and some of the chapters are genuinely funny and heart warming, but I wanted to give the heads up

Now, with all this considered, there are two places I'd reccomend starting Trigun: the 98 anime or Stampede

The 98 anime is more lighthearted and keeps a lot of answers to the lore close to its chest. I found discovering more about the world through other versions to be narratively satisfying, like one big unravelling mystery. TriMax and Stampede also greatly expand and improve upon concepts in 98 as well. It's a good way to ease you in to the world of Trigun while making you want more. You fall in love with the characters, and THEN the plot whacks you upside the head with a frying pan. I like the slow burn

Stampede is the opposite. You get right into the action out the gate. It offers answers to questions far quicker than 98 ever did. The ball is rolling and it rolls FAST. You want the meat and potatoes of Trigun shoved in your face? Stampede is for you. It's also better if you prefer serious, story-driven media. Although, Stampede isn't complete yet, so you will have to wait for 'Trigun: Stargaze' to come out for the full narrative to resolve

AND THAT'S WHERE THE MANGA COMES IN BABYYYYYYY!!!!! It has the humour and slow build of 98 AND the complex story and tone of Stampede. It's the best of both worlds. You get all the answers, you get that satisfying resolution, and you get to cry on the side of your bed from the amazing writing (like I did). You won't even get that spoiled for what will come after Stampede, because who knows how much of it Studio Orange will take from and how. All roads lead to the manga. That is my advice

Also all the OSTs for Trigun (98, BLR and Stampede) are AMAZING. Go listen to them. They're all on Spotify, if that helps

I wrote this at 3am. I hope this is coherent

[vindieselsfacebook-blog]

Ranking 7 photos algorithmically served to me attempting to aesthetically stage a Gilmore Girls rewatch

7. Coming in dead last is this disgustingly tragic and confusing combination of frozen mini pizzas and what appears to be a stemless wine glass full of orange juice??? positively hanging on for dear life to a thin, cracked cutting board that looks like it started its life in the Target dollar spot. I can't imagine a more nightmarish stain on my bland white sheets or frustrating debris to try and drain from my laptop keyboard than the pukey combination of marinara sauce and sticky juice, nor can I imagine a more depressing excuse for a comfort meal. Praying this person is a 12 year old trying to feel fancy by stealing a stemless wine glass from their mom while they were distracted by an episode of The Bachelor. Also, can we not find a single vibey Ikea lamp to turn on? Not cropping out the cable in the top right corner is an extra ominous choice. Bonus point for the gay sounding caption caught on screen though. 1/10

6. All I can think of looking at this cursed image is innocently uncrossing my legs and flipping the entire set-up over, spilling sugary milky foamy pumpkin coffee all over my twee cotton sheets, crushing burnt cookie crumbs all up in my grill, poopy melted chocolate chip stains everywhere, and setting my fluffy synthetic pillows ablaze. Making sure the food items are resting unwisely on your laptop but straight up nestling two Glade clearance candles right on your bed is extremely unwell behavior. 2/10

5. These cookies look like hamburger buns with jam and I hate thinking of the texture of them in my mouth but at least the hearts are trying and the waffle knit of the blanket looks cozy. The plate looks like it's resting on crossed legs rather than an actual bed this time. Good job with no open flames!!! 3/10

4. This looks like a second attempt from #6 - these cookies look like an upgrade, even down to the cutesy plate. They're livin' on the wild side with black coffee directly on the bed this time, but I guess that's less insane than multiple lit candles. I'm imagining this poor girl applying lipstick to kiss her list of things she loves which include "2000's movies", "stars/moon", and "pretty clothe" and I realize I am mocking a very lonely little girl and now I feel bad. Keep on binging GG, friend, you need it!!! 4/10

3. First off, trying to post ~aesthetic GG content with tea instead of coffee? Who are you, Luke Danes??? Points subtracted immediately. You're expecting me to think you're just casually whipping up a batch of cinnamon rolls, watching GG AND reading a novel? You're either watching or reading, doll, I simply refuse to accept both. That book is stressing me out. Get a bookmark! 4/10

2. I had to really study this one and decide if it was the same person as the previous photo. It may be, but this one features some important upgrades - that mug may possibly be coffee, the gray sweater looks fuzzy and comforting, cute manicure, and the cinnamon rolls are positively drowning in icing which I respect. I am once again judging your casually open book you fucking liar, but I enjoy the natural lighting and practical desktop surface. I refuse to entertain the thought that a GG rewatch can hit even a little bit on a tiny propped up iPad though. Give me a big TV and a couch/bed or nothing. 5/10

Now this is what I'm fucking talking about!!! Commit to the bit, people. This person put their whole pussy into making that delightful looking drink and stuck to the pumpkin theme. There's some pleasant mood lighting going on and I buy that this could be a tablescape rather than a crowded obstacle course on a twin bed. I am actually curious to try one of those cookies and the sweater weather candle is no doubt contributing positive vibes to the room. All precarious items are safely crowded onto a tray. Still hate the iPad but whatever. 8/10

[chronic-cynic]

@pessimisticgh0st you asked for anime recommendations, so I am obviously going to jump at the chance to give them to you. You’ve dug your own grave, sorry.

Madoka Magica - a 12 episode anime that fucks up your mind and makes you lose your will to live. A classic. It’s short, so it’s not much of a commitment, and it’s perhaps the best anime out there. I’d recommended this before, but I’m hoping you forgot everything I said about it so you go in blind. Brief summary: 14 year old girls gain magical powers and have to fight witches. Recommending this anime is always very fun :) There are also 3 movies, but the first two are recaps of the series, so only the third movie (Rebellion) is relevant. This series will not leave my mind. This is the lesbian show.

A Silent Voice - a movie about a former bully making amends to the deaf girl he bullied. I normally hate this trope, but it’s done so well here, god. It really makes you empathize with both of them, especially since they were really young when it happened. Depicts social anxiety in the most accurate way possible. Absolutely beautiful film (I think Tori would love this film). Trigger warning for bullying, ableism, suicide, and violence (I may have missed something, so be cautious). If you aren’t doing anything today, I swear to god, watch this movie.

Romantic Killer - the aroace show. Not a favourite, but it’s definitely good. It’s about a girl who has zero interest in dating being forced into a dating simulator game by a wizard. She does her absolute best to ignore the romance that is forced into her life, and by the end of the show, she becomes very good friends with all of her love interests (found family for the win). A lot of people misunderstand this show, saying it’s anti-aroace which is absolutely ridiculous because the whole point of the show is that you can’t reduce people to mere love interests, and that romance can’t be forced onto people. It does have a lot of romantic elements because it’s a rom-com, though, which makes me cringe a lot of the time, but it’s good anyway. It’s a very funny show with a strong-willed main character. Trigger warning for stalking and sexual abuse, both of which are very well handled in the show. On Netflix.

Neon Genesis Evangelion - it’s a goddamn ride. Another classic. The main characters are so well written that you feel like they’ll crawl out of your screen and live in the real world. And, if you relate to one, it’s like the show is grabbing you by the throat (this is definitely not me talking about Asuka, nope). Touches on every existential question imaginable. Gives you a headache. 10/10. You should probably look up trigger warnings because there are likely a lot. On Netflix as well.

That’s all I can think of for now.

Edit: I’m adding two more shows but neither are anime. I promise they are both worth it, though.

Daria - a sitcom that aired from 1997 to 2002 on MTV (my profile picture is the main character). I’ve been watching it for a bit now. Haven’t finished it yet but it’s very good so far. The main character is very similar to Tori, except she isn’t as miserable.

Pyramid Game - a Kdrama about a class that plays an oppressive game that picks on the weak. I don’t watch many Kdramas, but the plot intrigued me and now it’s an absolute favourite. There’s a canon lesbian character and an implied sapphic romance. It’s also an all-female cast which I love, and the main character is incredibly smart. Here is where you can find it (use an adblocker).

[daddyd0nt]

Honestly kink enabled me to escalate my use of sex as self harm to an insane degree that has left me with so much trauma and confusion. I was recently diagnosed with vaginismus because apparently it's not normal to be crying from pain when the OBGYN inserts a closed speculum to give you a PAP smear. I kind of suspected it hurt more than normal for me but apparently penetration isn't supposed to hurt? Which like is news to me because I remember when girls I knew started having sex they said it was the worst most painful thing ever and that it was a whole bloody crying nightmare for at least the first few times and all the older girls we asked told us it would get tolerable, not that it would ever be GOOD, but that eventually it would stop being miserable. So I was terrified to lose my virginity I held onto that shit until I was like 19 and then my plan became to just get it over while I was wasted enough that it wouldn't be horrible and I wound up coming on to a really good friend of mine who i knew had a thing for me for like over a year and we were really close so I figured better him than somebody who takes me home from a party while im passed out and we got wasted and I was like "i know you like me, do you want to take my virginity" and he said he couldn't fuck me because he couldn't fuck somebody that he actually liked/respected which further cemented the idea of sex in my mind as something scary and painful and bad.

I eventually lost my virginity to B and it wasn't as bad as everybody made it sound I don't think my hymen was fully intact but it did hurt pretty bad and it always kind of hurt. So instead of being like "wow I really don't like this" i thought "the easiest way to get through this is going to be to escalate to the point where I can just sort of go numb and dissociate" so I encouraged him to be violent and gave him the whole "I have a kink so that makes me interesting and a better fuck than any of the girls you were with before me" nonsense and introduced him into the concept of CNC which I convinced him to participate in because it was "a coping mechanism" but really I found sex scary and painful so i hid behind the facade that it was all spicy play-acting so that I didn't have to hide the fact that during PIV/Vaginal penetration I was afraid and in pain I could say things like "no" and "stop" as an automatic response without risking it being a turn-off or giving a less than perfect sexual performance and he thought it was just a fetish thing.

It got to the point that he was regularly seeing me naked so I couldn't hide my cutting anymore, I responded by appearing to increase my sex drive and convinced him to do more and more violent things like choking (which i liked because I got kind of dizzy and spacy and it didn't hurt as much but I passed out quite a few times because I would never signal to let him know that I was losing consciousness) and then it escalated to straight up getting him to cut me instead of cutting myself/so that i could cut myself and have plausible deniability that he left the mark if he noticed it which I have no idea why that was more acceptable than cutting but our school was a total liberal bubble and it was considered trendy especially in the goth/punk circles to be into BDSM there was even a weird campus kink club where they held presentations on kink safety and rope tying and lectures on the therapeutic values of CNC and I never went to any of that shit because it was too nerdy and nobody had good drugs but for 12 years I faked a sex life while literally hating sex convincing myself that the endorphin rush I got from being afraid and hurt was the same thing as enjoying sex.

And now im 31 years old and it turns out I have a whole pelvic floor situation that makes sex horrible and its actually probably good for other girls and this whole time I thought it was horrible for all of us and we were just committing to the bit because admitting we didn't enjoy it would make us less desirable. And I look at the kink community and im like "yall were my primary source of sex ed from the time I was in Jr High why the fuck didn't you guys tell me the whole time that what I was experiencing isn't how sex is for most people and instead pulled a whole cultural psyop to convince me it somehow made me more sexy or special or hardcore to hate it and do it anyway". Like Kink didn't just brainwash me into ignoring my discomfort it convinced me to sexualize feelings of panic and shame and overstimulation and PTSD form CSA/SA.

[gamesception]

Sception Reads Cass Cain #12

Batgirl #1 story: Scott Peterson & Kelley Puckett script: Kelley Puckett, pencils: Damion Scott

We've finally made it to issue #1 of Cass's solo Batgirl title, under her initial creative team - who I still associate her with to this day - of Peterson, Puckett, and Scott. While I do think it was worth taking the time to look at her earlier appearances, this is where I started following the character. But while it hooked me back in the day, unlike other formative works of fiction that I've returned to repeatedly over the years, I haven't sat down and read Batgirl #1 as a stand alone comic book issue in a long time. I'm eager to see how it holds up.

The issue starts with a Flashback to when Cass was young and still being raised by David Cain. The first panels have her putting a fairly simple puzzle together - a kid activity, to entertain a kid, when she hears David speak to his guests in front of her using words - a rare enough surprise that she drops her puzzle piece. Either that, or she's excited for the test to start, since she's stretching & getting ready right after.

David's getting a high speed camera ready for the event, which the dialog calls out as being fancy and high end even though it looks old fashioned to us, which helps us place this as a flashback even if we aren't previously familiar with young Cass and David from her introduction in NML.

First of all, that worms eye panel with the forshortening looking up at the knife, the girl, the guy in the chair? That is a fantastic fucking panel.

Mostly though I want to stop and point out that Scott puts a fair bit of individuality into all of these guys. Like, they're clearly built on cliches, but still, this bunch of violence-for-hire street toughs who in most bat books would be the forgettable hench goons of some colorful supervillain here get to feel like people in their own right. Especially the middle guy who's like 'nah, dude, I hurt people for money, but that is a child." Of course, even if we're not previously familiar with Cass as a character, we can see where this is going, and these guys hurting the kid was never an option on the table.

Jesus Christ How Horrifying.

The way everything goes red when the violence and the blood starts is really something, especially with the stark contrast between that red and little Cass's black hair and body suit. Very dynamic. And David there with the smug little jab at the end.

It's not exactly clear what Cass is thinking through this. She's casually committing some pretty extreme violence as a... not even as a test, the outcome was never in question for her or David. This is a demonstration, an exposition for the camera. Like a kid's music recital or something. Her facial expression is mostly fairly flat and serious, but this one panel:

She knows what's about to happen, and she's smiling. Determined, eager, she knows they're underestimating her, and she's looking forward to showing them just how badly. She likes this. The violence in and of itself? Hurting people - even hurting them badly? That doesn't bother little Cass, that won't be why she leaves David.

...

The scene shifts from child Cassandra beating up a group of grown men to teenage Cassandra practicing fighting sticks with Barbara, and getting disarmed when she gets distracted by a picture of Babs as Batgirl from before she was paralyzed. Which is a nice little demonstration of the limits of Cass's martial abilities - she's extremely good, but she's not invincible. She can be beaten by a normal human opponent if they're skilled and she's distracted. We also see Cass surprised by the loss. Scott's art can be a bit rubbery and cartoony, the proportions can be a bit weird at times, but his faces are super expressive, and that's obviously so much more important when portraying a character who doesn't speak.

Cassandra is still a new enough character that a single page can give all the essential narration to cover her basic backstory to this point. Also, blowing the dandelion seeds and saying 'me' is such a great little bit of pantomime for conveying the idea of spending years drifting aimlessly. Cass may not be able to speak more than a few words, but she can still communicate.

Even so, with a largely non-verbal protagonist, someone needs to deliver necessary exposition to the reader, and Babs as Oracle serves the role of conveying necessary information to both the reader and to Cass, while also taking on a sort of surrogate mother/big sister role.

The green blocks on these couple pages, justified in universe as Barbara's recorded notes, are the only narration blocks in the entire book, though. There are word bubbles when characters talk, but nothing that directly spells out what they're thinking, or what's happening. That work is left entirely to the artist. It's a task that not many comic artists would be up to, but Scott delivers here.

The result is a book that puts you in Cass's head, understanding and relating to the other characters the way she does.

Cassandra may be the new Batgirl, but she takes more after Bruce than Barbara.

As much as I complain about the design of Cass's Batgirl outfit being a mistake for how difficult it makes depicting her expression and emotions, it really is very cool and sleek and striking and spooky, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't part of what motivated me to pick up her book in the first place. And yeah, despite Cass being younger and smaller, you have no trouble buying her being every bit as intimidating as Bruce in costume.

Before we get to Bruce, though, there's another flashback. I don't know why this one's all 'flashback sepia toned' when the first one wasn't, but regardless it seems Mr. Merc from the first flashback is a bit down on his luck since his earlier encounter with Cassandra. He's got some new scars on his face, and the elbow she broke is still bandaged, and instead of taking fighting jobs for cash from mysterious strangers here he is getting in fights with homeless guys over half-drunk bottles of booze.

When he sees Cass, now homeless and drifting herself, he recognizes her. You see a moment of fear bolt through his face, and he smashes the stolen bottle to use it as a weapon to defend himself.

Cass just runs away, leaving the guy to realize he's smashed the bottle of booze that he had just been fighting over.

It's a pretty simple moment, watching this guy hit rock bottom. You can feel something for him. Not sympathy necessarily, but he feels like a person. It's a lot of time put into characterizing some random guy who happened to wander into Cass's life by chance.

...

After the second flashback, there's a scene where Cass stops a man from assaulting a woman in an alley - but she's holding back. She uses the bare minimum force needed to get they guy off of his victim. He's not exactly sorry. He's not afraid of Cassandra. Despite the spooky suit, she hasn't given him a reason to be. And he's still threatening the woman, even while Cass has him pinned...

Until Batman shows up, exercising a considerably more extreme degree of violence. Something much closer to Cassandra's training with David Cain. Brutal enough that Cass is momentarily taken aback - He's supposed to be good, is it ok for him to be doing that?

The next day, Cass is still thinking about it when Babs notices and tries to get her out of the house to cheer her up.

They head out to the park and Barbara tries to talk to Cass about what she's going through, but Cass just doesn't have the words and runs off in frustration.

It won't always be written well, admittedly, but this is an important point of tension between Babs and Cass. They're sort of mirrored opposites. Babs is trapped in a chair by her injury. Her interactions with the world and especially her career in super heroics are limited largely to words - information gathering, communications. On the other hand Cass, even after she learns to speak, is the opposite - excelling in the physical world, but largely disconnected from the world of words, especially the written word.

They complement each others abilities, making them an especially effective team. But they also can't help but see each other as a representation of the skills they lack, and evidence that the skills they have might not really be that important. The wedge this puts between them gets in the way of Barbara's attempts to look out for Cass and help her build a life that isn't entirely devoted to violence.

Ie, Bruce's life. And here he is, an ominous shadow, like the Ghost of Christmas Future, pointing a bony finger at fate that Cassandra is aimed towards. A never ending crusade, compassion and hope ground down to the bone, emotionally stunted by trauma and violence, only feeling alive when risking his own life, only feeling joy when hurting people he's deemed it morally acceptable to hurt, isolated, unable to relate even his own surrogate family.

There have been many takes on Batman over the years, and in general I prefer ones considerably less brutal and broken than this one. But this was already the Batman of the time, even before Cass showed up, and even in books without her. Cassandra is built by her creators to be this Batman's daughter - to reflect, comment on, and maybe criticize his choices and life style.

Like a lot of the characterization in the book, it's something that comes across most clearly in the art. Other characters get Scott's signature expressive faces, but here Bruce is an inhuman shadow.

From issue one, Batgirl's writers are intent on driving home how similar Cassandra is to Bruce, and how that's not necessarily a good thing. And the person most convinced of this similarity is Bruce himself. He looks at Cassandra, and he sees his reflection.

God, the way Scott draw's Barbara's face when she's hearing what exactly David did to Cassandra.

Bruce has worked out Cassandra's body reading gimmick, which was alluded to but not fully spelled out before this. And it's described as 'understanding physical movement as a language,' but it's essentially just empathy? Not psychic powers, but just normal style recognizing facial expression and body language and processing that to understand how people are feeling and what they're doing, only taken to a comic book extreme.

In a fight, at least against regular human opponents, it effectively amounts to knowing what her opponents are going to do and how they're going to move moments before they do so - rendering Cass nigh unbeatable. And that's nice, that's a costumed superhero gimmick right there, but understanding the ability as empathy dovetails nicely with the book's focus on the humanity of the people Cass comes across, and on her own emotional struggles.

It also tells us what the stakes won't be in Cass's stories. The question is never "will Cass be able to defeat the bad guy in a fight." Since that's taken off the table from the start, her book is forced to focus on more difficult and personal questions.

That night Bruce takes Cassandra out to an abandoned building for training, but not like the usual. He wants them to fight. For real. For her to show him what she can "really do," when she isn't holding back, like in the alley before. Cass may be nigh unbeatable in a fight against a 'normal human', but Bruce isn't exactly normal. She can hurt him. He can take it.

Here we have my only real complaint about this issue, because it skips over that fight, and it does so in a way that it's hard to tell that it even happened. Like, it doesn't cut to another scene and then come back to imply the passage of time, or even throw up a little "one hour later" spongebob meme, we just go straight from the above panel to this one, with only the busted up windows and Cass looking tired to imply a fight even happened.

And it's not just a problem because it's potentially confusing, it's also a missed opportunity. Like, imagine if the fight had been drawn with some striking poses, and then later we had seen those same poses mirrored in a flashback panel of young Cass training with David?

I love the decision to have her out of her mask here, and I love the way Scott draws Cass's face - her bright eyes, bushy eyebrows, wide smile, big jaw & chin. She's so expressive.

Bruce can fight Cass, they're on a pretty similar level, but while she's just worn out, he's suffered internal damage and is coughing up blood. At first he's acting like he beat her, the stern implacable mentor, all criticism and ways she can improve. But he's more hurt than she is, and they both know it, and they're both smiling about it.

What happened between them was violent, and, while we didn't get to see it directly, we can infer that it was pretty extreme. A degree of violence between mentor and protege - between father and daughter - that anyone on the outside looking in would consider abuse. But in universe, in character, they're playing with each other. They're having fun. Bruce is proud of her ability to suffer violence and pay it back with interest, and Cass is thriving on his approval, and the parallels to her training with David Cain are not subtle.

Bruce & Cass's moment is interrupted by the sound of a gunshot outside. It's our friend from the flashbacks. He's not showing his face in this panel, but we can already recognize him from his hair and from... did he... did he have his jacket sleeve embroidered to match the tattoo on his shoulder? That's some commitment to the bit. Anyway, he's robbing an armored car, and has already killed the driver. In Gotham, my guy? Really? Like, you could talk about his bad luck, but still. Anyway, Bruce chases an accomplice while Cassandra confronts Mr. Merc.

He pulls a gun on her, but she casually swats it away and grabs him... but something distracts her and she pulls back, giving Mr. Merc time to run. But what could have captured Cass's attention...

Her own shadow on the wall. Batman's shadow. She's been living with all this guilt, not just because of what she did, but because the enjoyed her life training to be an assassin right up until she learned what that meant. Finding out didn't just mean she had done something evil, it meant that her entire life - a life she had loved to that point - had been in service to that evil thing. The skills she was so proud of were evil. The father she loved was evil. She wasn't just ashamed of one act, she was ashamed of her entire identity.

Being Batgirl - putting herself in harms way, suffering pain and risking death to save others - had been a way to make up for that evil, a life of penance, a sacrifice - but in this moment she's realizing that it's not just a way to make amends for the evil thing she did, it's a way to re-contextualize everything else. She could take pride in her skills again. She could have a father who would be proud of her again. She could have the life she loved back. Even memories of David could be retroactively redeemed, if it had all been part of this destiny, to help her become this person. Yes, she'd still feel guilty for the evil thing she did, but it didn't have to mean her entire life and everything about her was evil too.

And all she would have to do is dedicate her entire life to Batman's crusade with absolutely nothing left for herself, and suborn her entire sense of identity and self worth to Batman's approval forever. It's a good thing this Batman isn't an unreasonably demanding asshole. /s

With this new epiphany - that the violence she enacts on people like Mr. Merc can be a righteous instead of despicable - Cass is freed to cut loose on the guy. He's a murderer after all! (like she is) He deserves it! (like she does) She can beat him into submission, and since she's acting on Batman's behalf, she doesn't have to feel guilty that she enjoys doing it, that it feels like singing.

But something about Cassandra's righteous beat down triggers Mr. Merc's memories, and he knows. Years later, half a world away, shrouded by completely concealing costume, and serving the Batman instead of an assassin, but Mr. Merc recognizes her. Despite all that, despite her big revelation moments before in the alley, she hasn't changed. She's still the same. And here's this random guy from her memories as a sign, telling her, and the reader, that her past won't be so easy to put behind her.

Satisfied that Cass is ready, Bruce cuts her loose for solo work, with one restriction - no costumed criminals. In universe this is because Cass depends on her body-reading for defense, and that ability can't necessarily be relied on when facing supervillains. In the real world, though, it's to keep her book grounded and human, telling smaller, more personal stories like that of Mr. Merc in this issue, allowing the book to keep a tight focus on Cassandra's emotions, motivations, and relationships in a way that wouldn't be possible with a big colorful attention-magnet like the Joker chewing the scenery.

But speaking of those relationships, and of a past that can't just be left behind, the issue ends on David Cain, watching his recording of the opening flashback, bringing the whole issue neatly full circle.

...

So that was the first issue of Batgirl (2000), Cass's solo title. In the end I wasn't able to resist going through the whole thing nearly page by page and spending too much time on plot summary and reaction rather than calling out, like the creative choices and execution in the art and the writing. But yeah, for me the book holds up extremely well. I'm immediately sucked right back in. The layered character dynamics, the reliance on art over text narration for characterization and storytelling, the parallels between Bruce and David - and the criticism of Bruce that those parallels imply. It all makes for a very dense book, one you can really dig into. And I love Damion Scott's art here. I don't think anyone else could have pulled this off as well.

I promise I'll try to be more concise going forward - especially since I've taken so long on some of these, and this one in particular, that I've entirely used up my posting lead and now I don't have anything queued to go up while I'm out of town for the next week. But I couldn't stop myself from gushing over the first issue.

My entire love of this medium, at least the mainstream big two American superhero corner of this medium, lived and died on this run of this character under this creative team. I liked Batman and Superman and Spiderman and the X-Men from various movies and cartoons in the 90s, and I enjoyed some individual comics here and there. But in retrospect I was never a superhero comics fan generally. I was a fan of Peterson, Puckett, and Scott's 'Batgirl' specifically. And reading this issue again more that 20 years later, I still am.

[fragrancenthusiast]

They call me Ryder because of how damn hard i was Rydin on Russ that one night in the Summer of 1969. Also because that's what my Mama named me.

RIP Ma.

That goddamn Skank

Caught Russ sleepin wit Ma in my Childhood Bed in the summer of 2009. I kicked that Boy ass harder than them Hydraulic Pressed squish the Things in them Ticky Tocks . My Ma committed suicide.

Good.

My ma Only hugged me once and that was in the Winter of 1893. Four year after I was born. I was only 8 years old.

She said Ryder... My sweet boy ... I will protect you. Until you turn 12. And then you'll be old enough to work the big tractor on the farm. She didn't. She only protected me until I was 6. And I was not big enough for the Tractor.

I always knew She was a Bitch and a Liar. Ever since i was 8. That was the year that Russ entered my life, a year before my Foot entered his ass. I kicked him so hard that he was the first real man to ever experience the Moon.

That goddamn Moon landing was fake. Russ took photos of the moon for me while he was up there, my shoe still up the rectum. It was blue And smooth. Maybe that was Jupter. Jupter was the blue one Yes? Saturn? ...Was that the Sun?

Might been the Sun because when Russ visited Earth again after falling really hard he was a little Bald in the head, hair singed off. I saw his brain. A little. I stook my finger in it. Squish. Didn't like it much. Took a little taste, Tasted like mama's cookin.

Was that the secret sauce?

Musta been.

Ma wasn't the most sharp tool within the shed. She had a few screws loose up there. She kiled my pa.

RIP Robert Jones.. My first Pa. My second Pa, my Step pa, Gibby Jr was a madman. He took his shirt off and would pour barbecue sauce on himself and gollybe he would jump off the table, Ma's BBQ splattin all over, and the floor would CRACK. He was not okay. I hope he isn't alive. What a freak. What a sick fuck that boy was, I hope Jesus enters his life and his rectum and tells him to Put down the BBQ...

I haven't seen Russ since March 25, 2015... He was pretty broken up that day. Wonder what had happened, my shoe hadn't even entered his rectum yet. Hadn't even kicked him a little bit. Not even to say good mornin. Just up and left, didn't even say goodbye. Called him up the day before (After kickin him around a little bit. (A lot.)) And he said He had to leave his four British boys behind. I don't like Brits much. Too much te and biscuit... Fuck...

I miss you Russ... I miss takin my Shoe out and hearin it go POP!!! I miss cleanin it off afterwards. I miss wonderin why you didn't just put some pants on so it didn't go Right up there. No lube required. I never seen him pantsed. He was never dressed right.

Goodbye Russ, You Five nighted Fredy.......... You godamnFreak they made a Game about you nd you Dont even know . A whole movie. They casted Paul rudd to play you. You always thought he was a sexy hunk... Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh :(

I liked that one.

I miss when Russ came back to life in the summer of 2010 And he Yanked on my doodle so hard I thought I was meeting god and jesus and Mother Mary, I thought I was ascending to the Heavens to reunite wit my Ma. I would have Kicked her in the ass.

Russ likes the Consistent numbers so Maybe he comeback 2030 ... Or maybe in Good ole 3010. My mama's birth year. I will be Waiting at her birth place. Kill her like they shoulda done to Hitler when he was born. Godamn sack knackle.

Oh how me and Russ used to look over the desert together when it was reaching Dusk... The mountains the tumbleweeds. The way the Sun set over the horizon. I can still see it now. The way He would look at me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh The way he would look at my shoe and Yell. He go "Oh brother it Hurts." I said. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Hush boy.

He loved

Wine

He would cry to the cops every day I never laid a finger on Russ I loved him I really did I only put my shoe up him sometimes from kickin him so damn hard my wooden shoe gave him Splinters in his rectum Sometimes. I would always help him pull em though.

I was a good friend and an even better lover. But what I was best at, was Kickin him in high noon and Throwin him in the outside and he would fly up in the air so fast you could hear a Whistlin sound.

PSHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Like a Rocket ship.

But sexy.

I cannot wait until 3010 for my dear ole Russ to re-enter my dreary lifestyle. My heart aches for you, Russy.. My pain grows like a fire in the fireplace. My heart swells. I can no longer add new wood to my fire. Not without you, Russ. I can't do it alone. I can't do it.

Today will be the Last day for me, Ryder Jones. Patriotism swells in the heart of the American boy, But my heart is no longer. My heart is broken, and I no longer care about the president. I hate you Joe, You never cared about ME or RUSS or MAMA. You left me. I know you don't remember me, Joe Biden. I was real, You were real, You cared for me once. You could care for me again if you would just listen. Find my Russ and I will find your Queen Elizabeth.

Grandpa, I know I was a disappointment in my younger years.

I never learned to drive that tractor, Truthfully. And God, and Mama, and Joe, and Russ, and Bruce. They all know I was big enough. I was just scared.... Scared of the Tractor, Scared of myself. Scared of Russ. Scared my Tractor would run me over just like it did to Pa.

I shouldnt have been scared of the Tractor. I should have been scared of Mama. She was the one behind the wheel. But her, and Grandpa Biden, they told me "Ryder, it wasn't Mama's fault. The tractor. It malfunctioned, Ryder. My boy, It'll be fine without Pa."

But truth be told Ma or GrandPa Joe never cared about me, or Pa, or Russ, or Brother Bruce... They only cared about ... About... Nothing.... They never cared about nothin.

I once broke my arm tryin to rake the yard. I don't recall how I did it, I don't know how it happened, or if Ma did that to me... But nobody cared. Nobody. But Russ. But Brother Bruce. And... And papa...

Oh Pa :(

I miss when Auntie Margaret would come over on Tuesdays at high noon when the sun was shinin bright over that beautiful wheat farm. Oh the smell of cow manure. How it mixed within the grass And allowed the crops to grow... The circle of life is beautiful. But the circle of life isn't always beautiful. Sometimes it's cruel, it's relentless, it claws at you until you're all out of skin. Sometimes it takes away the ones you love most. Like your lover, your brother, and your dear ole Pa.

Life gives you exactly what you need, but never at the right time. Russ if I could only have you now, I wouldn't even put my shoe up ya. (Unless you wanted me to, of course.) I would hold you. In a tight embrace and I would never let go until God himself came down.

The rapture itself would be the only thing that could take you out of my arms, my dear.

Oh, the things I would do to have you in my arms just once more. Russ Tikitchen, if you were still here. If you were still with us, right now. I would go out, I would get the finest ring ever crafted by any being. Anything better than mother nature could ever dream of. And I would get down on my knee, I would look you in the eye and I would say "Please? After all we've been through... After all I put you through... Please, just this once, let me give back to you." And you wouldn't have to say those two words, "I do." I would still love you the same. No matter how many shoes are up you. Or how many rings are on your finger. Or even if there is a ring on your finger, even if it isn't from me. No matter whose it is, I still love you.

And, Pa. I'm sorry about that fight we had the day before you died.

I knew I was in the wrong, and I hope you know I did still love you all the same. I was just stubborn. Young, naive, not knowing how cruel the world could be. Not knowing how cruel Mama could be... God rest your soul, Pa. And may God bring her soul down into the deepest pits of Hell

Mama.... I wish I could have ended your life with my own very hands. It's a pity you got to do it yourself.

You got to take your own wheel, Mama. But you took Papa's wheel too. You took Russ's (metaphorical) wheel. You took Bruce's (metaphorical) wheel. Bruce is still alive, thank the heavens. But now you're going to take my wheel Mama. Not metaphorically.

Mama... I know this is what you would've wanted... But mama, ow.

I can't do this no more Mama. Papa I love you. I am so sorry. Russ Tikitchen, you were my first lover. And last. God knows I never touched another man. Or woman for that matter. Brother Bruce. You goddamn knucklehead... Bruce if I could only Thwap you on the back of the head one more time. But you're already halfway across the country by now. You've moved out West to fulfill your dreams of becomin a real Star. You're already a star to me brother. But I'm proud of you regardless.

Takes a lot of balls to move out halfway across the country with nothin but the clothes on your back and the money in your pocket. Ooaohwfowagouhdjfjfjj I misss y7ou brother I hope you, Brother Bruce, are doing good with your old lady Lisa. You know I saw her with a woman right? But I won't tell you... Don't wanna ruin your trip. Your dreams. Your lifestyle. Your innocence. You.

I know you were callin me spaghetti fingers. The guys at the bar told me so. Dave, Jeff, and Jack. You remember them, right? I know that was about 93 years ago... But you're still young, you still got that memory of a young whippersnapper.

Well... Goodbye. To Pa, to Bruce, to Russ, to auntie Margaret who came over on Tuesdays at high noon, to Grampy Biden, to step-pa Gibby Jr, to Lisa, and to mama....

Goodbye.

[littlestsnicket]

- i had forgotten (or didn't realize before) how obviously vilgefortz's interest in ciri as something he wants to conceal from even his fellow wizards is telegraphed in blood of elves. (also the repeated 'you have mistaken the reflection of the stars for the sky' quote (which is not quite the right phrasing but i'm not going to look it up))

- i wish desperately we had a little bit more concrete information about what yennefer is thinking. like she tells ciri with all apparent sincerity that she can train her to be a mage at the temple and then presumably she gets a message from vilgefortz (although we don't concretely know that) and changes her mind and decides ciri needs to go to aretuza to be trained by someone else. she promises she'll always be with ciri, but then she by all appearances chooses not to be. i just... for me this is all tied up in yen's conflict (which she does not commit to a side on until the last moment they are together in thanedd) between who she thinks she needs to be as ciri's mentor and who she wants to be as ciri's adopted mother and how those things, for her, are fundamentally at odds. but we see none of yen's pov until like tower of swallows, so it is so hard to say what the intention is. to a large extent, the point is that we don't and can't and won't know what was in the letters she doesn't show ciri, but i want to know. so badly.

- and ciri's relationship with her own sexuality is so !!! like i oscillate wildly between 'mr sapkowski has really brilliantly nailed something with ciri' and 'has mr sapkowski spoken to a preteen since he was one himself?' for someone who is repeatedly shown to be quite clever, if inattentive, the gaps in her vocabulary are just... weird for an 11-12 year old. (is that even how old she is? i think she says she's almost 13 when she writes to geralt from temple school but it is so hard for me to track the passage of time in these books... how the fuck is she 16 by then end? where does that time go?)

- also philippa. philippa making the deliberate decision not to let geralt go after rience. philippa having interrogated michelet brother... does she suspect nilfgaard's involvement then? is that when she starts planning her part of the thanedd coup? is she already planning the lodge of sorceresses or is she still acting in line with the brotherhood? (i love book!philippa so much. i have so many feelings that i'm waiting to turn into thoughts until i've finished rereading.)

[crmsnmth-journal]

7/20/2024 10:07 PM

An old friend got in touch with me today. He's one of the few who does message me so often and I figured it was just a normal catch up chat. I was wrong. His wife committed suicide last month by way of a bullet, and tomorrow is the one month anniversary. We talked quite a bit, and I'll send him another message here soon. I'm not going to go into details, but I feel beyond awful. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of pain. I mean, I've attempted suicide a few times, and I've lost a lot of friends to suicide, be it accidental or on purpose, and that stuff fucked me up. I couldn't imagine losing my partner that way. I wish I had a way to get down to their area\ just so we could hang out and just let him vent. I'm just beyond sorry for him.

I think I figured out why I have such a hard time messaging Chad these days and why I let the conversation die. He reminds me of her. He was the one to introduce us, after all. He's just another thing that reminds me of her, and I think I knew that in the back corners of my mind. He was the best friend I ever had, and the one friend and I miss that every single day. Anything that reminds me of her I try to stay away from. They say time heals all wounds, but that's fucking bullshit. Time doesn't heal a thing. It just makes it easier to live with the pain. I'm still pining over a girl from a decade ago. And our relationship wasn't even all that long really. We didn't even make it to a year. Still, from the very moment I saw her I knew she was going to either be the greatest thing in my life (and she was for the months we were together) or she was going to completly and utter destroy me (which she did on a cold March evening.) Even to this day there's still fallout. Chad was more than my best friend. If we were gay we would've been together. And we'd probably still be together. But I didn't learn my sexuality until long after I had moved to Milwaukee.

Tomorrow is my fist 12-hour day at AV. I'm still looking forward to it, and I took my meds while I was at the alley tonight. That way I can be up by sixish and shower and get some coffee in me. I think it'll be a blast. Saw the schedule for the next week, and now I'm getting chef hours. Right close to 40 at AV and my normal thirtyish at the Alley. I'm going to be exhausted for quite some time here. But once I have enough to pay off my court fees and catch up on my probation fees, one job will go. And I think we all know which one it's going to end up being.

[gnar-slabdash]

Leverage Mark Showdown -- First Heat Contestants

Where the nominator left comments (or fun extra descriptors), I’m including their comments, cause those are way better than what I’d come up with. Where they didn’t leave comments, you’ll have to settle for mine :P

Mark Doyle The Bottle Job I genuinely liked him as a character, he was sleazy but so fun. The accent was fun, he was an easy mark, and he screamed like a girl. One of my fave episodes cause of him.

David Lampard aka “Truffle Jackass” The French Connection Job who the hell meets “gnar slabdash the n is mostly silent” and just TAKES THAT at face value

“His Honor Mayor Brad Culpepper III” The Three Strikes Job and to a lesser extent The Maltese Falcon Job TONAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Ian Blackpoole The First and Second David Jobs The man has balls, okay? I’ve said it before -- a disgruntled, disheveled ex-employee pulls a gun on him, and his response is to calmly ask if he’s going to kill him, then invite him to his party, offer him shrimp, and call his ex wife over to see him. Ice cold.

Mark Vector The Morning After Job he's a bitch and a sleaze and it was so satisfying seeing him go down

Greg Sherman aka “The Blowfish” The Boiler Room Job my ultimate love-to-hate. I always spend the episode going WHY DO I HATE THIS GUY SO MUCH before remembering oh yeah it’s cause he’s the bad guy, I’m supposed to hate him. BUT I HATE HIM SO MUCH!

Victor Dubenich The Nigerian Job, The Radio Job, The Last Dam Job man you guys had a lot to say about this one! here goes: - he's awful but he's also how they came together - i like the actor that plays him - THE OG. mr inciting incident. my most underrated man saul rubinek. the absolute balls on this guy. might even still be out there you never know - Not only the first and the one who accidentally helped bind together a world-class team and eventually sent them after himself - twice;  but also the first echo/cast-caĺlback to the Nero Wolfe series. - He consistently thinks he's better than the crew, but Nate keeps outsmarting him anyway. Plus, the fact that he and Latimer forced Nate into calling back some old favorites, there's a number of reasons to love The Last Dam Job. I will never get over the hacking with a clam thing - Because he came back with a revenge plan and because he started this whole thing when he screwed the team over - this guy kinda kickstarted the whole thing by being greedy and selfish enough to try and double-cross not just a group of thieves, but a man who was ROYALLY screwed by the system literal months prior by using his dead kid against him. He's arrogant, but just smart enough to be a threat as of The Last Dam Job, and even then his insistence that he "knows" the team better than Nate after all these years is one of the things that leads to his downfall. Seriously, fuck that guy.

Judge Roy The Bank Shot Job He commits to the bit, okay? I WILL turn this entire episode into a western and I WILL be the black-had domineering bad guy and I WILL refuse to have any semblence of self-awareness about it at any time!

Gabe Erickson The Real Fake Car Job Matthew Lillard is great, and I absolutely loved "Nobody's plotting to kill you, you idiot!"

Starke’s Crew ( Marcus Starke, Chaos, Mikel Dayan, Apollo)  The Two Live Crew Job They were so fun and I absolutely adored their interactions with our leverage crew.  Scott Roemer The (Very) Big Bird Job The Carey Elwes? The Howard Hughes cosplay? The fact that he thinks he stole and destroyed the entire Spruce Goose?

Jack Hurley The 12-Step Job - It was nice to see a mark that’s not a POS and have the team ‘help’ once they realised that - He was a genuinely great guy who's just a fuck up. I get it.  - He is just too excitable and honest and keeps getting into shit way over his head but is too sweet to really hate - I really enjoyed having a Mark who "redeemed" themselves to. Plus, hes a goofy character, and seeing him a second time when I didn't expect it made me double take and laugh on my first watch.

Monica Hunter The Three Days of the Hunter Job - she's horrible and interesting and you get the most satisfaction from seeing her go down. also the bit where she's being interrogated by the army and she's like "it's okay I know that there *totally aren't* any secret bases ;-)" and the guy is so tired and like "yes that's bc there aren't any secret bases" and she's like "I know you have to say that ;-)" and he's right - rip girl you would have loved qanon - I love conspiracy theorists who don't even really believe in the awful stuff they make up (+ it's a terrible human being with the face of aunt zelda)

William Quinn & Tobey Earnshaw The Juror #6 Job He was a fakeass hippie played by Brent Spiner. She was trying so damn hard to be a chessmaster it was embrrasing. Can I make it any more obvious?

Eddie Maranjian The Order 23 Job Man there’s a few marks I can’t help but feel viscerally bad for cause of how the crew preys on their fears and neuroses that they can’t help. So a little sympathy, and also like, affinity crimes are nasty fucking things but in terms of story it’s a nice change of pace from the usual white guys playing chess from their lofty towers

Caroline Cowan The Low Low Price Job Oh another one that I kinda almost feel bad for for how much they freaked her out. This is a good matchup!

[purgemarchlockdown]

I would like to know more about your milgram oc!! I am. Interested 👉👈 i have no specific inquiries i would like to just Know More

!!! I Would love to talk more about my kid! I wonder how obvious it gets to me how really fucking horrible school environments can be...

(CWs for: Bullying, self-harm, and horribly toxic childhood friendships)

So 011 is a Very Normal (undiagonsed autism) 12 year old (I made them older cause I felt uncomfy...) who is very isolated at school and is utterly terrified of everyone there. They've been bullied for years and no matter what they do it hasn't stopped, they have a few friends though and one of them is Their Victim. Who is their oldest friend and their closet friend

Their friendship isn't exactly the healthiest though, their victim gets angry at them if they're away for too long or if they "ignore" them and can start "testing" them at any moment to see if they really really want to be their friend. And since 011 doesn't Want to Lose them they end up doing whatever their victim wants them to do. This is compounded by the fact that 011 is always worried that they're doing something wrong because...why else would people be so mean to them if they aren't hurting them somehow? So they've gone all their life apologizing for *looks at notes* uh...existing and doing what other people want them to do so they don't hurt anyone.

The thing is...they do actually really do want to hurt the people that hurt them and sometimes this comes out with vague threats and outbursts. It (usually, this is a Milgram Oc after all) stops their since they don't want to go too far. They do however tend to daydream about violent revenge fantasies, though these fantasies usually involve them dying in some way to showcase how truly horrible their actions were and to make everyone who hurt them feel horrible because see! Their actions did have consequences!

This also applies to their victim and sometimes if their feeling really frustrated and upset at what their doing they'll threaten to hurt themselves so that they'll stop. And then The victim apologies and says it's all okay again and they're sorry and they won't hurt them ever again...and then they do it again.

It's very unhealthy but since 011 never likes making people worry and wants people to be happy and doesn't like hurting people (generally speaking,) they never say anything and always makes sure to hide how they feel as best they can. And even though they aren't the greatest at hiding it their basically never willing to admit it.

So we're very much in a situation where we are kinda stuck. With 011 stuck in a horribly toxic friendship where as long as they don't upset Their Victim they will be rewarded with happiness and friendship but also really wanting to upset them because they are really fucking sick of it all. And since most of the bullying is social isolation has caused them horrible trust issues that make them react more aggressively the next time they feel threatened- it just drives them further into isolation...and their victim, meaning the cycle continues ad nauseam.

This all comes to ahead one day, after being really fucking sick of their victim's bullshit. They push them...down the stairs.

Manslaughter has been committed and now they are at Milgram! They are so incredibly fucking scared, and sad, and wants to bite through the bars.

So uh- yeah- my guy! I always get worried I write them a bit too melodramatically but then I remember I can do whatever I want.

[ur-mom-64209]

Would you mind giving a detailed description of your thoughts about Billy Hargrove? I've been trying to get a lot of information from both ends of the argument on this topic. If not I one hundred percent understand!

yeah sure

i'll start with the easiest thing i can, he's racist. canonically racist. he specifically targeted lucas. he said "people like him" (if it's not word for word oh well) when referring to lucas. you can't really defend that.

why does this matter to me? i'm not black, but it still matters. i'm mexican and have been told i have the darkest skin out of everyone in my family. i've experienced racism in many forms.

1. casual

jokes about my skin color, jokes about my culture, shit like that. usually followed up with "it's just a joke"

2. passive aggressive

more silent racism, like the stereotypical white woman clutching her purse as i walk by. like you just know they want to call you some shit but they don't

3. flat out aggressive

slurs, trying to fight me (idk why though)

4. miscellaneous (idk what section to add these to)

people saying they "don't see my color", denial of their racism, saying white privilege doesn't exist, sexualization, cultural appropriation, tokenism

so i am pretty sure i can confidently say i have seen and experienced racism, so i know what it looks like.

and obviously i know racism will look a bit or very different when applied to different races.

examples: i have never been called the n word, that's something black people experience. i have never had comments made on my eyes/had them been made fun of, that's something mainly asian people experience (same with stereotypes on food).

i have a lot of people of color in my friend group, and we have all discussed what racism we've experienced. and guess what, billy has done what some of my friends have described. crazy how that happens.

yes yes, i know he's fictional. but does that automatically mean i'm going to throw away my morals at the sight of fiction? no.

another thing is SOME of his fans have god awful takes.

example 1. saying that 12 year old mike wheeler was more racist than billy was.

yes what mike said in season 2 was racist. but racism is racism. mike had one situation of my knowledge. billy did what i previously said, and acted violently. if you say him grabbing and pinning 12-13 year old lucas against that dish cabinet or whatever the fuck that was, wasn't violent or attacking, reevaluate why you think it isn't.

then obviously there is him trying to run the party off the road, he saw lucas in the group and only have a shit max was hanging out with lucas.

he didn't care that dustin had obvious feelings for max, billy only cared about lucas being around max.

example 2. he was possessed by the mind flayer, he had no control.

that was in season 3, not season 2. yes he was possessed in season 3, but in season 2 he didn't even know about the upside down, so that argument is entirely irrelevant when discussing season 2 billy.

and yes i know he was abused, and that's tragic that he's relatable. i would never wish what he and a noticeable part of his fan base have experienced.

i also know his abuse traumatized him into commiting the actions that he did. i think it's pretty unfair when people who are anti billy say things that can quite literally mean "just get over it". but i also think it's incredibly unfair when people who are pro billy just ignore the negative impact he left.

i had some difficultly rewatching some of his scenes that he was in, because of his racism. again, i experience racism daily. so i'll say it again, i can't just throw away my morals for fiction, i'm sorry, i just can't.

[abronzeagegod]

ETS WIP Postmortem

Well I'm counting this whole thing as a book, so that means I started writing and finished writing two books in one year which is fucking mind bottling.

Usually i never post first drafts of things out in the world because usually they are borderline unreadable and this was a weird thing that i didn't even finish before i started posting.

anyways time for some things i like and don't like

like:

i really like all the characters, aeth and lyta are really fun and i like writing them and their silly little relationship

sir lance corporal is really fun too a big weird god that gets into stuff

i like the world but its a world that i've used in a bunch of different places so it'll continue to show up, i'll name it one day

i personally like the evil all consuming parasite worm god and the evil algorithm thing

dislike:

it's way too short and i definitely skim over some stuff and do not go into nearly enough detail in places

namely: aeth falling into the war between the abyss and the hells did not get the time and attention it deserved

3812-B didn't get the time and attention it deserved

sir lance corporal's place in the story changed some what suddenly so the establishing of that whole thing is wiggity wack

i changed the stupid page break/jumps like seven times, never committed, and eventually dropped it so that's got to go

the fact that i don't really name anyone aside from the main's with any consistency

i'll likely be giving this whole thing a rest for a few weeks likely, and then i'll be starting on draft 2

what to expect with this going forward

more, i'm going to have to expand just about every bit of this story, more chapters more words more stuff, especially more in the middle, we need stuff to expand and slow down the mystery and the solving and the general chaos so that the tension can really start to rise i think

more focus on the swwarm as evil algorithm not necessarily the app itself, idk i know this is a straight up tiktok as radicalization tool metaphor but i'm not super happy with how it went so that's gotta be worked on

gonna make aeth and lyta's mutual pining up to like 12 and really be dumb with it, because i can and it's my story and i want to

probably have more of but the Catalog and Archive Bureau and the Exterminators but idk how much more

3812-B needs so much more like an infinitely large amount of stuff, just kind of rushed through the whole thing the first time and there needs to be more

more magic

more tech support, possibly with a bit more supporting cast work but i've never been good with big casts (for proof look through the false idols drafts, several drafts had a cast of like 9-12 and then i killed them all off because i couldn't keep them straight)

cover art, once i let this rest and then do a big old rewrite i plan on getting a cover commissioned (because who doesn't love art???)

once the cover is done i'll probably do a self publish job on itch.io and just sell it for a couple dollars

overall i feel like this was good, i had fun doing it, and it can be so much better. but like with everything i write that i do multiple drafts of, i need to let this one sit for a bit. i'm gonna go off and do some work on a one person videogame project i've tried a couple of times and we'll see how rpgmaker and i get along.

my ask box is open as are messages if you want to leave me any comments or criticism or whatever. replies on tumblr posts are always a bit weird to read and respond to