#11.29.18

[grapesodadarkchocolate]

Best self 

COVID-19 this week: 

Thoughts rumbling through my head: All is staid or at least rolling along with commonplace actions and then KABOOM— a metaphor for much of how life honestly exists. A death—KABOOM. Abusive actions—KABOOM. A pandemic— KABOOM. A roll over car accident or a cancer diagnosis— KABOOM, KABOOM, and another KABOOM for good measure. When things are and then are no longer, what is it we are to do with such experiences? Do they change us or do we remain the same, hunkered down and holding tight to what has been missing? What could have or should have been different? Taken by what remains the same as I realize I no longer am the same as before the KABOOM happened.

Wanting to bring my best self forward, which also means I need to see myself more clearly. More honestly and in turn seek to be engaged with folks who give room for that. Those who are able to hear the all of me. The lack of fully listening disallows the fullness of who I am. Being engaged in such a way only lessens me. Diminishing the light God has given me. Lessening until no light is left. 

It can be different. That is a choice I can make. Naming what is not in anyone’s best interest, crooked forks or not. It seems too easy to simply say “be off with you,” though as I seek God’s intentions to alight more in me the who that I am, it could simply be clear sailing, allowing life to run its course unencumbered. 

Understanding that after the KABOOM, there is the picking up of the pieces and the only ones I choose are the ones with meaning. It is where the acceptance of the all of me also transpires. Acceptance of my grief, my sadness, or the story I am trying to tell. Accepting the gift of God that is within me. Without meaning, honest connections are lost. Severed. Detached. Uncorked. It is the fullness of me that I wish to have honored and there is only more that seems to be lost as those in my midst are unable to accept my more. If only select pieces pass through the gate, that is not the full picture of who I am. The all of it is bringing my best self forward and when that is not given room to wiggle; where uncomfortable can shimmy up against beauty or grief or pain—then something is always missing. Something feels constantly lost or incomplete. Something may continue to be sought but it won’t ever be found. If never named, it can not be. 

Realizing the consistent pattern, especially with my siblings. They only can accept a part of me and that has become too much of a weight for me to bear. I can offer perspective, explain what has transpired, dissect what is unclear — but to no good effect. For the driver, the push needs to be in the offering of our better selves. In so doing we must have an effective understanding of the expanse of who we are. The all of ourselves. The good, the bad and the ugly. It is the bull$#!& I no longer want to deal with. Don’t listen. Don’t accept. I can’t alter their actions, I can only alter mine. If I can’t speak of what troubles me or name something that has gone off base. If my story is unable to be heard, I can’t be my whole self and that isn’t fair to any of us, including me.+++

Add ons: “Candle-blower—outers,” Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart HBO series: Watch (Scroll down, last one on the right) 🎥

Joy Luck Club clip: June bringing her best self forward.To do that she needed to understand the more of who she was and in turn what she was capable of offering to the world: Watch 🎥 

Related Blog Entry: “What Does it Mean to Be Kind Anyway?” Read, 11.29.18 🍇🥤🍫

Just because: Binge watching: PBS “Call the Midwife” trailer: Watch 🎥

Squirrel moment: Divenire by Ludovico Einaudi (composer): Listen 🎶

[zaynmalikupdates]

I personally follow his music. Zayn had tried singing a few Hindi songs back then, but those were really short clippings. But, this song was huge! It was like a proper recording, which was mixed and arranged well. He has used the original music, but he has done it really nice, his singing skills are killer.

Tushar Joshi, the composer of Allah Duhai Hai, about Zayn’s cover of the song x 

[swt-serendipity]

2018-19 Goals Game 26/82 (vs Winnipeg Jets)

Goal 1: Kruger Goal 2: Hayden Goal 3: Rutta Goal 4: Kahun Goal 5: Anisimov

[kisses5ever]

i think i might hate you. oh, but i miss you. i miss you and you’re ten feet away from me. i hate you, and you’re ten feet away from me.

when you speak it sounds spitting. fire lashing at my skin. i cry a lot because of you, you know that? you probably don’t. you don’t think about me that much, anyway. you’re kind of the worst like that. you always have been. even when you weren’t.

i could kiss the sky. i think i’d like to, just to see if you get jealous. maybe i’m a masochist, because i know you wouldn’t and i know that would hurt, and i piss myself off because i hate you, so why does it hurt?

“you gotta learn to let go,” is what you said. “let go of the things that weren’t meant for you. i wasn’t meant for you.”

i could’ve told you to go fuck yourself, or that girl i know you’ve been seeing. my lips are cold. if i cross my eyes and focus hard, i can see my nose all red.

my heart is not ceramic, and it’s not glass. it’s flesh and beating and unless i reach in there myself, there’s no way to tear it up. you’re a phenomenon, in that sense. your hands are nowhere near me and i can still feel the seams splitting.

anyway. i miss you. you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. you haven’t left yet. i’ll be hung up on this for months, probably. and i miss you.

[liamfashionarchive]

Liam on the XFactor Italia | November 29, 2018

Moncler Black Embroidered Logo Patch T-Shirt ($230)

[ghmusings]

just give Maura West all the awards. like why even bother nominating anyone else for anything ever?

[chisparella]

“Ni el pormenor simbólico

de reemplazar un tres por un dos

ni esa metáfora baldía

que convoca un lapso que muere y otro que surge

ni el cumplimiento de un proceso astronómico

aturden y socavan

la altiplanicie de esta noche

y nos obligan a esperar

las doce irreparables campanadas.

La causa verdadera

es la sospecha general y borrosa

del enigma del Tiempo;

es el asombro ante el milagro

de que a despecho de infinitos azares,

de que a despecho de que somos

las gotas del río de Heráclito,

perdure algo en nosotros:

inmóvil.”

[sad-slothy]

I have so much to say but nothing to say at all. I just wanna scream and be heard but reserved and quiet. Idk what I want tbh. I do know that I am extremely lonely because of my lack of friends. I wish I was more of a wild child and went to parties and got drunk with friends. Instead I sit in my room and talk to imaginary people. Seeing others talk about hanging out with friends makes me jealous? Just reminds me of how much I spend time daydreaming when I should/could be doing something better.

[frogdrip]

I haven’t logged into my fb account for irl friends/family in like a month and this kid I met at a party when I was like 16 messaged me and it was so sweet

[avi-arts]

Day 693: 

11.29.18 

2 out of 3 done so far for a class project

[hltinclt]

Don't Wait Until January 1st!

I hope that everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving break surrounded by friends, family and food. We are officially in Christmas mode and it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas parties, gift exchanges, yummy food, treats galore and more family and friends, there is not much more one could ask for. With that being said, people start to let up on going to the gym, getting enough water during the day, and they start to restrict their calories, because they start to prepare for all of yummy holiday food and treats they know they are going to consume. This happens from Thanksgiving to December 31st and then when midnight strikes and it is officially January 1st, goals are made to go to the gym every morning and eat clean happen for about three weeks and then it’s back to step one. What if you didn’t restrict yourself over the holidays though, and you ate intuitively and didn’t binge and got in a workout or just got your body moving more than usual five days a week? You wouldn’t have to feel like crap December 31st and make these drastic changes come January 1st. In today’s post I am going to share two tips to help you have a healthier lifestyle and stop the negative binging cycles this time of year brings.

Food is not your mortal enemy! Quite the opposite really. Food is your sidekick it helps you get through the day, it keeps you fueled and energized to tackle the tasks at hand. So don’t restrict yourself to under one thousand calories a day or skip breakfast, so that you can save calories for that Christmas party you’re going to on Saturday, that’s not how it works. If you properly feed your body the nutrients it needs, you may be less prone to binge eating or drinking, and will enjoy just enough so you don’t feel like you have over done it. Your grandmas homemade sugar cookies, eggnog, or your favorite holiday treat are not going to harm you, I promise! I am sure that your grandma is more than willing to give you the recipe, or heck make them for you herself during the year if you ask. When you see these treats as a once a year kind of thing your brain goes into overload. You sit down and have two, then two turns into three, three turns into four and many more. But if you know that you can have that cookie or whatever other treat it is that you love so much not just at Christmas, you won’t want to consume it in massive quantities. You know your limit, and when you are full, listen to your body and do what makes you feel your best.

Don’t wait until the first! Today is a new day just like January 1st, so what is stopping you from starting right now? You deserve to be healthy and happy all year long and you don’t have to wait to do that at the beginning of the year. When you change your mindset from cutting and depriving yourself, to a healthy lifestyle and intuitive eating, it is easier to deal with food during the holidays. You know what you want, and how much your body can handle of that certain food item. You start to see food and your body in a more positive way and know that if you have two cookies at the Christmas party, you don’t need to feel bad about yourself or regret eating it. It is all a mind game, and you are the boss. Don’t let people push food on you if you know you are full, it’s not rude or impolite to say no if you aren’t hungry!

With all of this being said, enjoy the holiday treats and don’t feel bad after eating them. Find a good balance for yourself where you are exercising and eating intuitively like any other given day, but enjoy yourself and don’t deprive yourself of anything you really want. I believe in you and I believe that you will find a perfect balance and stay on track with your goals and lifestyle while incorporating your favorite Christmas treats!

[mikesgenderquest]

Day 23 on T

It's been over a week since my last shot and the area around my insertion site is swollen and itchy. Did I fuck up on my shot? I've stopped scratching it and I'm taking Tylenol but Uh. I'm worried? Advice anyone?

EDIT: I was using the wrong kind of sanitizing wipe and it was irritating my skin. I switched to alcohol wipes and its all better now

[zaynmalikupdates]

Exclusive: Zayn's Second Album "Icarus Falls" Out December 14, New Song "Rainberry" Released!

BY KEVIN APAZA ON NOVEMBER 29, 2018

Finally. The king's new era is coming. 

 Zayn's much-anticipated and much-delayed second solo album will be released on December 14th, DirectLyrics can confirm. The album is titled "Icarus Falls" and it will include 27 tracks in total. 

 All this information "leaked" when RCA Records put up a new Zayn song called "Rainberry" on digital platforms. The song was released at Thursday midnight (Nov. 29) local time everywhere. So almost immediately a New Zealand reader of DirectLyrics sent us the iTunes link to the song but to our surprise that song page was linked to an album page, and that's when we discovered "Icarus Falls". Sorry we screwed up with Zayn's big announcement plan. But we had to share this immediately. 

 Here's a stream of "Rainberry" (might not work where you live just yet - wait till Friday). 

Here's a screenshot of the "Icarus Falls" album iTunes page. 

See it for yourself here. 

 Album pre-order will commence shortly. But first let's comment on this 27-song tracklist!? Wow. Zayn is going to compensate us for the long wait for album #2 BIG TIME and I'm so excited!!!

(via DirectLyrics)

[fit-as-fxck]

I want all the dogs every single one of them ever created and my heart is going to break for all of them 

do you ever just feel like that 

[kisses5ever]

“i think i’m just hard to love.”

it comes out quiet. a breath. fog on my balcony and just visible under the lamplight. the cold is in my bones.

and that’s what it is, really. cold. fucking freezing. like i wish and wish and wish someone would be there for me, just to hold my hand or hold my body, paint me pink. but no one ever is. no one ever has been.

“like, looking at other couples kind of sucks. i’m happy for them, you know? but i still feel bad for myself.”

“you’ll get there,” is all you say, and what a shitty response. that literally does not make me feel better. but whatever, i guess.

i’ll cradle the moon. cradle the stars. eat them whole and light myself up from the inside. maybe then i’ll feel good, maybe then i won’t be so fucking cold and lonely and desperate for affection. light me on fire, maybe then i’ll be happy.

“you’ll get there,” you say again.

[alohomorastudies]

11.29.18 // 6:45 pm

im taking the sat this saturday! any last minute tips?

studygram