#0outof5

[internetminestrone]

...Slamma Jamma was no slam dunk.

On Friday I watched Slamma Jamma directed by Timothy A. Chey and starring former globetrotter Chris Staples. Being a serial movie addict there is always that fear that the next movie might be the worst movie. When I looked at the cover of Slamma Jamma, I had low expectations. It looked like the classic sports movie with the classic redemption arc. I expected everything about it to be typical. Not bad, just not great. Reading the reviews on rotten-tomatoes and IMDb made the movie sound transformational, and that gave me hope. And I began the movie. 

Rating 0 out of 5 stars.

The premise of the movie is simple. Michael Diggs (Staples) was once a college basketball star on his way to the NBA when disaster struck. Diggs found himself in the middle of an armed robbery charge and was sent to prison for six years. Diggs gets out and life isn’t easy. His fiancee is now with his rival, his brother is in cahoots with a gang, and money is tight. And what do you do when money is tight, and you were a star basketball player, and you need to beat your rival? Well, join a slam dunk contest of course, and you know the rest. 

Slamma Jamma is rated PG. This is the one aspect of the movie that I agree with. It’s very tame, low-key. There are some violent moments because of the gang involved in the plot. There is a gun in this movie, and it is used in a violent situation, be wary of that. In Slamma Jamma there are no “mature” scenes except for the classic kiss scene at the end. And the last thing about Slamma Jamma is that there was a very uncomfortable scene between a guy and his girlfriend which I would classify as abusive, it only lasts a minute but even to me, it was jarring. 

I give Slamma Jamma zero stars out of a possible five. 

If I could give it less, I’d give it less. 

It’s not often that I say I’ve watched a truly horrific movie. But Slamma Jamma was the worst movie I’ve seen all year. Usually, in my reviews, I comment on both the good and the bad in each movie. But Slamma Jamma had nothing good about it. It was all terrible. Okay, the slam dunks were cool but of course, they were! They were performed by a globetrotter! 

Do not be tricked by the trailer! After watching Slamma Jamma I went back and saw the trailer. Unfortunately, the trailer is about twenty times better than the movie. It’s as if they put all of the greatest moments into two minutes, and no it doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. 

Here are the most prominent reasons not to watch Slamma Jamma: 

The cinematography:  Remember when iMovie came out and everyone was obsessed with making little trailers and stuff? Well, SJ uses bad fade transitions, and confusing color filters (sepia, black and white). And it made everything wonky. 

The scenes: Half of the scenes in the movie didn’t make any sense, they did nothing for the plot and besides that they were terrible. So there’s that. 

The Plot: In the beginning, you think you know where the movie is going. But then like five minutes before you realize you know nothing. And then it flips again, and again, and again until finally, it goes where you knew it would go, but you are still befuddled. 

The characters: All of the characters had strange development arcs. There are two guys from the basketball court who end up becoming Diggs’ BFFs or something. Diggs’ brother, Diggs’ ex-fiancee, the list goes on and on. 

The acting: I’m no actor, but clearly Chris Staples should stick to dunking. And the rest of the cast. They were all either over-acting, under-acting, or just sitting there like paint on a wall. 

Redundancy: After Diggs gets out every single person he meets asks him how long it’s been since he’s gotten out. The answer, “A few days”, is heard probably twenty times in the movie and it gets annoying. 

Faith-based?: I love faith-based movies, and one of my favorite movies happens to be Greater (2016) which is a faith-based football movie. A movie that I highly, highly, highly recommend. But Slamma Jamma again disappoints in this arena. Not only doesn’t it teach a lesson or share an inspirational story. There are a few, confusing, scenes in a church and many times Diggs proclaims that ”God is on his side.” Which while true, doesn’t enhance the movie or the plot in any way. This is not a faith-based movie because if you took out the faith part, Slamma Jamma would be the same movie. 

The soundtrack: They use the same four songs over and over, so much that you really notice it. It’s uncomfortable. 

Save yourself. Don’t watch this movie. There are plenty of other movies just like this only better! 

This is my public service announcement of the year. But as always I know there will be people out there who violently disagree with me. Fantastic! I want to hear it, I want to hear it all! If you liked it, share that too, it’s good not to feel alone. 

Have a great New Year’s Eve, and follow for more reviews!