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greighish · 8 years ago

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[RC] Afterimage - C31 - C35 [END]

Series: In the Company of Shadows Title: Afterimage (Book 2) Author(s): Santino & Ais Originally posted 08.14.16 to 09.18.16

SPOILERS HO!

CHAPTER 31

♂ In between chapters, I think–because I am doing RC on one chapter at a time, and now, no more than two chapters a night–I think about reading the next chapter. But when I initially think about it, I think about turning on the TV and catching the next episode. Something in my head is not aligning to the fact that this is a book I’m reading, but whenever I want to pick up where I left off, I think about turning on the TV and finding it or pulling it up on my laptop because I want to watch it. It’s so vivid in my head that when I remember it, I’m remembering images instead of words on the page. Which is interesting. That doesn’t happen very often.

♂ How much time has passed since Boyd was taken to the Fourth? The beginning of this chapter just seems so abrupt.

♂ I am heartbroken that Ryan feels that giving up anime and his figures and all of that stuff will be a step towards growing up. And that he’s calling it crap. My feelings are hurt. I’ve got years on you Ryan and I have that crap! Anyway, to each their own. I still love Ryan regardless.

♂ I love that Ryan and Boyd are having this conversation about sex in their relationships; it’s a very friend thing to do, like a very best friend thing to do. And I like that we get to see this side of them. Though I feel a little sad because Ryan is a little different; he’s still Ryan, though, but he isn’t as optimistic as he used to be or at least not outwardly so.

♂ So Ryan attempted suicide. So distressing. I now see how he feels and views Torres. Though he was rather light-handed with his dismissal of the relationship in Evenfall DC, so I did not expect that it was anything like this.

♂ I stand by my previous statement that I do not want anything sexual to happen between Kassian and a Boyd because I like their friends with no benefits/mentor thing. But I also think that it’s a bad idea because it’s Kassian, not just because Boyd would be having sex with somebody else, was friends with somebody else. I mean, Hsin dealt with Ryan’s friendship and he knew Boyd had sex in the past, but having those things and seemingly moving on with his life and Kassian being in it would destroy Hsin. He hates Kassian, despises him to his very core. I wish he didn’t. I would love for them to be friends. I think that they would actually be good acquaintances. But it’s hard when Hsin has always been compared to Kassian and has always been put on a lower rung because Kassian and is the perfect Boy Scout–which he isn’t, but nobody sees that.

♂ That said, I do get a kick out of Boyd’s observations and those little moments between them. It’s nice because I get to see Kassian in action, but I don’t want it to go any further.

♂ But if it does go further I won’t be upset, I just I don’t want it to. Like I said before, it’s not that I want Boyd to save himself for Hsin, I just don’t want Kassian and Boyd to go there. I will accept it if they do, I won’t be completely upset if they do… I might even enjoy it if they do, but, overall, I just don’t want it to happen.

♂ I am tickled by the fact that Kassian just threw Boyd over his shoulder like it was nothing.

♂ How remiss of me not to have mentioned until now that I love the fact that Kassian calls Boyd “kid” and “kiddo.”

♂ Okay so they went at it and I can admit that it was hot. I still wish it didn’t happen. And condoms? But what are you going to do?

♂ Nothing spoils the euphoria of post-sex bliss like characters putting their clothes back on and just going about their business. Particularly the receptive one because he’s still carrying around evidence the other partners pleasure. And I can’t get by that because it’s gross. Can’t you just take five minutes to go clean that up or out rather? Not that it doesn’t happen in real life because it does, but that doesn’t stop it from being gross. And I can never get over it. It just removes me from the story. It’s always going to be in the back of my mind now.

♂ It’s done and I can’t undo it. Like I said, they had sex and it was hot, but I still wish they hadn’t gone there. I just really wanted Boyd to have this friendship that did not involve sex. I do appreciate that they will continue their friendship because I really like it. But, whatever… His friendship with Ryan is different than his friendship with Kassian. And, of course, Hsin, Hsin, Hsin, Hsin. Oh well, can’t do anything about it, but at least it was hot. I will say, though, I was taken out of the moment when Kassian called Boyd a dirty b****. I just…what? I don’t know, that was a little… just not my style, but anyway, that was a brief moment that passed and then they got on with the hotness. So yes, overall it was good. And I’m not 100% bitter… maybe 60% for Hsin and 10% for the friends without benefits. But I’d be even less bitter if it didn’t happen at all.

CHAPTER 32

♂ It’s sad how Hsin is feeling distant despite the last time he saw Boyd in the psychiatric unit. But if that is what it’s going to take to get him to work things out for himself and begin living for himself, although that seems like a useless prospect for him, then let the distance be. Let it happen; let them develop some other type of relationship. I’m getting from this that no one has told him that Carhart has banned Boyd from being anything but professional with him and I think that is a mistake even if Carhart made that clear to Hsin, I think he should still know that Carhart also gave Boyd a directive. This kind of thing is going to persist between them and he’s going to think that Boyd lied to him or betrayed him or changed his mind. I mean, Boyd told Ryan, so why can’t he tell Hsin? Never sharing information with the people who need it most. I just don’t understand that about stories. Like, either just keep it to yourself completely or tell the right people. So frustrating.

♂ It’s hilarious how Hsin described the fight he had with Xu Xiaolian. He said that they tried to kill each other and it was a good fight. I’ve never heard him describe a fight as being good or not. It’s kind of weird, like he enjoyed it.

♂ So they finally had a conversation about some of the things that have been going on. It was really intense and still frustrating. I’m glad it happened because they suck at communication and I’m glad that they were making an effort. But I knew that one of the things that would set Hsin off beyond the distance that he was feeling, the confusion, the betrayal, the abandonment… I knew that Boyd’s relationship with Kassian being friends or bed-mates…, I knew that would set him off.

♂ Hsin’s return to the brothel. That was chilling and disturbing and very sad. And now I feel a sort of distance from the story, not because something went wrong, but emotionally. I guess feel like I’m trying to shut things out for Hsin so that he doesn’t get hurt anymore.

♂ This chapter is both a vice tightening on my heart as well as the opening of a relief valve as the pressure slowly deflates. So much being addressed, so much being decided, so many feelings coming to the surface.

♂ So it has come to an end. I suppose this is what I asked for, what I wanted. I didn’t want them to get back together. I wanted Hsin to be the one to call it. Very interesting that they did pick up the conversation and continue to address the issues between them and as the words are coming out, as the emotions are rising to the surface and not being obscured by temperament or caution, that they’re being expressive about the things that they need to be, that Hsin comes to the conclusion that being apart is better. Well, this is what I wanted. I suppose I didn’t think that it would hurt as much as it does. That doesn’t change the fact that I am satisfied with this outcome. Not happy, though. I almost want to cry. But it’s strange since I got what I wanted. Now I don’t think that Boyd and Kassian are going to run off into the sunset, I don’t foresee Hsin becoming friends with somebody else–not easily anyway–I don’t know how Carhart is going to take Hsin requesting being transferred out and Kassian transferred in… Although, I would like to see that happen, but I think that it would not be that great of an idea for Hsin to be completely on his own. Then again, maybe he could do it. I mean, not the negotiations or the long-term undercover, but I think that he has expanded his repertoire since meeting Boyd and he would be able to carry out things that he previously couldn’t, so perhaps him still being rank 10 and just doing his solo jobs would be good. Because I would like to see Kassian and Boyd work together on one of the elite unit missions. It’s just an interesting thing… something I never thought would happen, but if it could, I’d be very interested to see how it plays out.

CHAPTER 33

♂ I’m always glad when Boyd finally gets it, but I wish he was not so slow on the uptake. His delays often trigger things I can only call catastrophic. Half the time, lives are hanging in the balance and he’s got his head in the clouds.

♂ Okay that’s a complete 180. What the heck is he talking about? What is he talking about? What is he talking about?!

“I wouldn’t really order you to deny him friendship especially in the coming weeks.”

But you did, Carhart, and Boyd acted on it. Why is everyone so damned careless with Hsin? He is not disposable. They know him better than anyone else yet they are the ones that continue to do things to push him further and further and further down.

♂ I didn’t know it, but I knew it. Emilio Vega is in the house, people. There are words that do not exist in my vocabulary to explain what the heck is going on in my head with this development. My arms and heart ache to hold Hsin, and to make it stop, to make it all go away.

♂ I swear, 10,000 fists to Emilio’s face and a swift kick in the head along with maybe a building falling on top of him. He is pissing me off.

“Oh that”?

♂ I am furious. Among a thousand other things. What the heck?!

♂ I feel like I should have so much more to say about this chapter. I feel like I should be ranting now and continuously on, but I’m nearly effin speechless.

CHAPTER 34

♂ So, am I to believe that Emilio’s been underground all this time, so very, very deep undercover all this time? What the ever-loving eff?

♂ Okay, so, what does that mean in regards to the raid? Did the board sanction it? Did Vivienne know? Was it the Euro bureau? What is the deal?

♂ I am so sure I ordered a building to fall on this man. Emilio is just infuriating.

♂ Okay so Emilio shows up on Boyd’s porch; Boyd is nonplussed, but he considers the situation and decides to give Emilio some time to have his say. Now, I realize that Boyd has done some self-reflection and has begun to understand the error of his ways, but if that is not a slap-in-the-face, I don’t know what is. He couldn’t afford the same consideration to Hsin and we are where we are in the story largely because of that.

♂ Can we get a round of applause for Boyd finally realizing who Emilio is… the baddest MF. Boyd and his airhead moments…

♂ Emilio is frustrating, absolutely frustrating, but I do see his point about him making anything known wouldn’t make a difference. So it makes sense from his point of view. I get it the same way Boyd gets it… I get what he’s saying and I don’t exactly blame him because he said as much to Carhart that he was a terrible father and didn’t realize it until later. That he was an awful father, however his attitude with everything else makes it seem like he would never even consider that to be true. He would never consider that he was a terrible father, so it’s kind of a conflict–his deeds and words don’t always match. Then again, when he said that, he was talking to Carhart who he has a completely different type of relationship with than anyone else so he can be straightforward with that sort of thing, I suppose. ♂ Hsin killed his mother by poisoning her, so says Emilio. Now, what I don’t understand and I suppose in a sense I do, but generally I don’t understand Boyd having this revelation now knowing what he knows and coming to understand that there was something already wrong with Hsin before Emilio’s training kicked in. Hsin said as much! He said that he was already having outbursts and such before he got picked up by his dad and that his training served to calm all that down, to give him an outlet for some of that stuff. So why is Boyd so surprised about this? It has already been established. Did Boyd forget? Did he just dismiss it because that’s what he does or something else altogether?

♂ Emilio is so effin irreverent, I just can’t stand him. Telling Boyd he should get into hard drugs. Can he be serious?

♂ But it is breaking my heart that, knowing everything, he still saw Hsin as being a creepy kid. That just hurts.

♂ On the one hand I really want to strangle Emilio, but on the other hand, it’s just his personality. Like, he isn’t completely uncaring–he seems keen on masking his emotions with a whole lot of BS–but he’s not wrapped up in the whole worrying and force of responsibility thing, so it’s like you want to punch him in the face, but then again you can understand where he’s coming from… and that’s frustrating.

♂ Good grief! Like, he has no problem saying that he totally watched them having sex. Emilio, what is wrong with you?!

♂ Where the heck is Hsin?

♂ This is the penultimate chapter and it was a struggle to get through for multiple reasons, but mainly because I’m so freaking exhausted and I kept falling asleep and having to reread pages when I could focus again. That only served to increase my frustration with the things I was already frustrated with. Namely, Emilio. Where is that building I ordered?

♂ I don’t know if I’m actually ready for the next chapter. It’s been a long time coming, but I kind of feel like I’m not ready for this book to end. Which is funny in the most unfunny way because it was one long emotional torture session that’s going to take me some serious time to get over.

CHAPTER 35

♂ I hate that Hsin is suffering through all of this confusion and doubt. He doesn’t deserve to go through this. If I could set fire to everyone. He shouldn’t feel like he is to blame.

♂ Okay Emilio, I get that you had a terrible, horrible childhood, but this isn’t a competition. Regardless of your relation and your tutelage, it’s unfair of you to expect Hsin to persevere the same way you did. Yeah, you suck as a father, but Hsin was a person. Regardless of how screwed up you thought he was, he was still a person that you could have helped in some way other than turning him into a killing machine and you didn’t, so don’t throw that whole my childhood was so much more screwed up than yours BS out there. You can’t compare that; your pain is your pain and his pain is his pain.

♂ But here we go again with Emilio being Emilio, begging for you to punch him in the face, but you can’t because you get where he’s coming from. And that’s endlessly frustrating. It’s just… he could’ve handled it differently. I get it, but you see the mess that it caused anyway?

♂ Again Emilio, you didn’t know what Hsin felt or thought because of the way he acted but you are not helping him feel any better about any of this or helping him move on so that he can “grow up” and “get over it”, you’re just making him feel worse. Worse for ever believing, worse for ever hoping, worse for ever considering, worse for ever allowing anything to happen… just worse.

♂ Hsin is going to work it out–he has to. I don’t know what he’s going to become after this. I don’t know if he’s going to find that emptiness that he wants to return to so badly or if he’s going to try to not be a freak as his father calls him. I don’t want him to think he doesn’t need anyone. They still have a lot of stuff to sort out between them and a long way to go, but I think Boyd could be there for him. Boyd has some issues of his own to address, but knowing what he does now and having had time to truly reflect, he will be able to be a better friend. Let’s hold off on anything beyond that.

♂ And no this isn’t the end of the story just the end of book 2, but I feel oddly at peace. I didn’t think that was going to be possible, not with every negative emotion overflowing over the last couple chapters. Not with everything up to the point where Boyd walks in… I just wanted to burn everything down. Now I feel strangely consoled by Boyd showing up and Hsin finding some comfort in that.

♂ Through all their instances of miscommunication and everything that they’ve gone through, there was still a connection between them. I never doubted that, but what good is a connection when you can never see eye to eye?

♂ I just wish it didn’t take all the things that it took to get them to where they are now. Not that they’re really anywhere particularly safe–this is just the brink. Whatever is supposed to come after, they are on the precipice of it. Though, again, I feel at peace. But also at a loss because so much has happened and for it to turn out that it could have been avoided… it’s just disheartening and not a little depressing.

♂ People making assumptions, people demanding others to think a certain way… I still think that people were very careless with Hsin, all too dismissive of his deficits. He was at a disadvantage because of the way he was, because of how he grew up and I think that people just took it all too lightly when it came to his ability to adapt to things or integrate. Even though Boyd had a certain understanding of Hsin and he was accepting of him, his understanding was rather biased in favor of limited information and his selective memory. And that made it difficult for their bond to survive the damage of all the things that went on.

♂ Also, I want to be mad at Carhart, but I kind of understand his position. Though I still think that he could have handled things differently. I know he cares about Hsin, I know he wanted to do right by him, but he was like most everyone else, far too remiss when it came to Hisin’s ability to deal with anything. They knew he was at a disadvantage the whole time, so they shouldn’t have just sent him on his way with a soft pat and a smile. Honestly, they should have given him the tools to be able to reason, to be able to understand things from a different perspective, to be able to consider stepping outside of himself and consider alternatives to his normal reaction. Now, I think he got some of that from being with Boyd, but I think Carhart had more opportunities all along to be instrumental in getting Hsin to adapt, to integrate, to relax, to try. It was going to be difficult regardless because Hsin did have the feeling that everyone was against him; he had the feeling that no one could be trusted, so that was really going to be an obstacle regardless, but wouldn’t make it impossible.

♂ I’m repeating myself, but it bears repeating…I’m still frustrated that everyone had these expectations of Hsin, but no one really did anything to help him live up to them. Boyd was a victim of complacency, Carhart was duty-bound and when he did make an effort it was often too late or largely impotent. And Emilio was a sociopath, so you couldn’t expect too much from him. He did what he thought was best at the time, but that he pretty much refuses to accept any responsibility beyond youthful ignorance makes him the worst offender.

♂ Where do they go from here? This book ends with Hsin eschewing all other things and finding solace in Boyd’s existence. In some ways that’s good. He feels that he’s not alone, but in other ways… How is that different from where they were before? His future resting in Boyd’s hands? I still believe that Boyd will be a better friend this time around, but he can’t be the only one. And even if he is the only one, Hsin can’t let his equilibrium be at the mercy of a pendulum that’s subject to Boyd’s gravity. Nothing will have changed.

♂ Right now I’m exhaling because the feeling of holding my breath has been with me for the duration of this book. It’s overstayed its welcome. Like, I don’t need to do that anymore, I can breathe a sigh of pseudo-relief. But It’s not like I’m going to jump headlong into the next book–I have to take some time before I move on to The Interludes, otherwise I’ll be right back where I was.

♂ Well, scratch that… I was at peace for a while, but now I’m not so sure.

Read from the beginning.

#icos #afterimage #santino hassell #ais #queer books #in the company of shadows #speculative fiction #slash #icos2 #reposted from @himi-reads

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greighish · 8 years ago

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[RC] Afterimage - C27 - C30

Series: In the Company of Shadows Title: Afterimage (Book 2) Author(s): Santino & Ais Originally posted 08.14.16 to 09.18.16

SPOILERS HO!

CHAPTER 27

♂ Twenty-seven chapters later and I’m going to read about Ryan. YaY! I feel like I should have been coached or prepped for this. I realize the last chapter was sort of an alert, you know, but I feel like I should have somebody standing behind me patting me on my back, telling me it’s going to be okay, you know, reassuring me that I’m not going to fall apart because it’s been 26 chapters and no Ryan and now…

Continuity? So I’m going to rewind just a little bit. Annabelle put Boyd on the list to be able to see Ryan, but she said she wasn’t going to do that for Torres because apparently Ryan is a bubbling fountain of NO for Torres. Now, I get that they didn’t work out because Torres wanted to be a hero and save Ryan and Ryan is like, “I don’t need to be saved, dude,” but the disdain that he has for him that she is trying to express… I just did not get that or I didn’t realize it was to such a level. I don’t think she’s being dramatic either, it’s just quite a difference from how I read Ryan’s dismissal of the relationship. But of course, of course, that was all in Evenfall DC.

♂ Whether or not it’s true, I think it’s interesting that Boyd is confident that Hsin still wants to talk, so he’s not going to worry about anything until they actually do talk. It’s just such a arrogant point of view after he repeatedly ignored Hsin… He’s confident that he would still want to talk after all of this? Now, I think Hsin probably wants to talk, in the sense that it is unfinished business, but I have a feeling that or, at least, I’m hoping that whatever he’s going through with his mission right now, that it’s giving him some perspective, perhaps a much-needed window into what his current situation is. And when he comes back, his priority may no longer be making amends with Boyd. I can only hope. To be clear, I don’t have anything against them being together (again) and I think it’s probably coming off like that��my last few comments about their relationship–but I just… I don’t know. I just think it would be interesting if they didn’t and I would rather go for interesting than satisfying the vague notion of want for them to be together again.

♂ Short and sweet. So I can’t say I’m entirely satisfied with the Ryan visit, but it was still Ryan and I’ve been waiting for that for-e-ver. And Ryan saying that he wants to get out of the Agency is no small matter. I mean, I think he could probably make it happen considering his access level and his ability to manipulate information within the system, he could probably disappear from the Agency and take a few people with him…or at least help it fall apart from the inside out. Hmm… I wonder.

♂ I guess I missed somewhere earlier, Cade being described as having caramel skin tone. I hadn’t really tried to picture him so much or maybe he just kind of appeared in my head as this sort over-juiced version of Channing Tatum, maybe?

♂ Speaking of windows into situations, that little episode with Cade was very interesting, giving more light to whatever he was hedging at when he and Boyd were out in the desert.

♂ Kassian on a motorcycle… something about that just does something to me.

♂ Oh goodness. This whole big brother thing Kassian has going on is just the best. Goodness, I was just happy about Boyd and Kassian and being friends, but this role that he’s kind of taken on with Boyd… and he obviously, you know, cares about Boyd enough to think about him, come see him with his Christmas present, and an extra helmet… that’s just….so great. I think that’s a relationship that Boyd really needs. Wow.

♂ Though I do wonder what other people will make of their friendship. And I do want to believe it is just that; I don’t think anything is going to develop between the two of them, at least I hope not. I just don’t… I just want Boyd to have this kind of relationship with somebody without it morphing into anything sexual.

♂ Kassian’s reasoning for why Boyd would like the motorcycle is hilarious, but true. And a little…

♂ The phrase “synthetic meat” grosses me out. I’ve had tempeh and seitan, so I’m not unaccustomed to the idea of meat that isn’t meat, but synthetic meat reminds me of Soylent Green. And it’s kind of a stretch because Soylent Green was actually people, you know, human meat, which is just gross in its own right, but–at least for me anyway; to each their own, I suppose… Hannibal, anyone? But just that phrase, “synthetic meat”, turns my stomach.

♂ I thought Kassian was joking about the whole uncomfortable bit, but it just seemed to be going on a little too long and I was very nervous, very nervous and I was just like oh God no not while this was getting so good, but thankfully Kassian was just being an ass and everything is still good in that department.

♂ Okay. Just give me a minute. Kassian is attracted to Boyd.

♂ When I woke up this morning I did not think I was going to be reading such a conversation, now I still don’t want anything sexual happening between them, but let’s scratch that whole big brother thing. Although he still is kind of playing that role…with the added element of attraction, of course. But yeah, this conversation is tripping me out. and now they’re getting into sexual preferences and styles and… goodness gracious. Well, it’s an interesting conversation, to say the least.

♂ I have to say, this was a darn good chapter. I don’t feel anxious about the next one or the story in general, so that’s good. I got to read about Ryan, new developments in Kassian and Boyd’s friendship, and the mysteries of Boyd’s parents past–particularly all those journals. I wonder what’s in them. Also, can I say that I’m loving Kassian more and more? This was a good one.

CHAPTER 28

♂ Well, what is going on? Annabelle is in trouble and Hsin is coming to her rescue… I can’t even fathom what the issue is. Maybe it’s Captain Arsehole, but that would just be too crazy because I said that 28 chapters ago or something. Yeah, the prologue I think.

♂ Okay… So let’s put the breaks on the whole protecting her/coming to her rescue ish… She killed him? I don’t know why this is so odd considering all the death that has occurred throughout this entire story so far… Maybe because she isn’t an agent…? I don’t know, it’s just such a bizarre thing. And Hisn is asking if that’s a bad thing? Yeah baby, that’s a bad thing.

♂ Hsin is going to finish the job that Annabelle started and even though it is not the rescue that I thought about in the prologue, the result is still the same. I did not want Hsin to be put in this position. I did not want him to have to kill someone under these circumstances, but it happened anyway.

♂ Boyd was upset that Hsin didn’t trust him to tell him all the things that were/are going on. Yet here we are with Hsin–uninvited again–in Boyd’s presence, whatever else going on be damned. And Boyd is thinking about how Hsin is just trying to take over the situation. He’s also not trusting Hsin to be able to learn from the situation that he would just keep doing these things, being inconvenient for Boyd. He just continues to see Hsin’s actions as acts of selfishness. Why, though? I just don’t understand why… why it’s like that? Why is Boyd such a hypocrite? He wants these considerations, want these allowances made in respect to him, but he won’t make the same allowances for other people. Particularly Hsin. I don’t understand why he thinks so low of him. I mean, that’s what it comes down to. His opinion of Hsin is rather low, so he can easily believe that the things that Hsin does are meant to be disruptive and dismissive and not at all for any real or critical reason. And/or Boyd prioritizes what he wants to such a degree, that regardless of how it affects others, he’s going to follow through on them. That frustrates me to no end.

♂ This is so heartbreaking reading Hsin in Blind Rage mode and Boyd can’t stop him. Though I think that is partially Boyd’s fault; he’s no longer a safe person. I don’t understand Boyd. With everything going on between he and Hsin and with all that he’s learned about what’s going on with Hsin, I don’t understand how he can continue to treat Hsin like he is an inconvenience. I’m not saying he needs to be there all the time and take on the burden of everything, but he should, at the very least, try to be considerate. Such a tough call… He just dropped in and they didn’t have time, that’s understandable; people have lives and obligations and things to do and they can’t always stop for everything. I get it, but when you are presented with a situation like this…

♂ I am so frustrated with this chapter. I’m so frustrated with Boyd. I just don’t know what to do. All of this could have been avoided. Again, I realize that Boyd would have fallen into the trap of feeling responsible for Hsin. And he realizes that it’s not necessarily his role or responsibility. And I get that, but knowing everything that he does, does he really think it’s okay to just drop it and just no longer be that person for Hsin, to just basically abandon him and, in a sense, be like everybody else to him? Okay. I get it is not his responsibility, but it is one that he did assume, so in vacating that role or relinquishing any hold on that role, he should at least be conscious of how he transitions out of it and not just cutting out on some 11th hour vibe. I just think that, at the very least... He took such a big part in Hsin’s life and then all of a sudden he drops it even after he understands all of the stuff that he’s come to learn and he still hasn’t even talked to Hsin… he still just completely disregards Hsin. Treating him as an inconvenience, treating him as someone who arrogantly tries to run a situation. I just I’m so tired of Boyd and how he just completely betrayed Hsin. He may have felt betrayed with Hsin sleeping with Annabelle, but he has completely betrayed Hsin in every other way.

CHAPTER 29

♂ I don’t mind the idea of Kassian and Boyd in any sort of intimate relationship, but I don’t want them to be in an intimate relationship. Do you understand what I mean? I don’t think it’s wrong or that they don’t have chemistry or anything, but I just want them to be very good friends. And not that I want to save Boyd for Hsin or anything, but I just like the friendship that Boyd and Kassian have without the additional layer of sex. Attraction is fine, mutual attraction, even better, but I really want them to remain friends… without benefits.

♂ Carhart is being cold to Boyd and Boyd doesn’t really know why. Again, in his head he’s having a conversation trying to figure it out and not asking. I think Carhart is probably upset with Boyd because he was the tether that Hsin had keeping him tied down to reality keeping him grounded and Boyd has pretty much dismissed all of that over the last couple months. Unceremoniously so. And now Hsin just can’t take it. He can’t deal with it, he doesn’t see the point anymore and the one thing that he was worried about was attacking somebody who he really cared about and that happened and he just… he just can’t take it anymore and I think Carhart blames that on Boyd, not 100%, but I do think he feels that Boyd has a significant responsibility in all of that.

♂ I feel bad about Boyd’s current conflict: his happiness over Hsin’s stability. However, I think that, knowing the situation, he is responsible for some of this. He completely disregarded how Hsin is and he just put himself first but not really. He didn’t actually put himself first, he decided to ignore the situation and I don’t think that’s putting himself first. Putting himself first would have been dealing with it so he wouldn’t have to worry about it, not making it so he’d have to worry about it later. If Boyd dealt with it in the beginning instead of outright dismissing Hsin, this wouldn’t have gone so far. I’m just assuming that that’s what he was doing. He never even talked to him about what was going on and how he felt that things had changed between them; he just made up in his mind that Hsin was taking advantage of him and, you know, he put together the whole urgency with sex recently and then the candy runs and all these things where it seemed to be at Hsin’s whim. He didn’t talk to Hsin about it, he just made the decision on his own and said this is what it is, so when Hsin came to the barracks, he reacted with that in mind which was completely unfair because he never even gave Hsin a chance to talk. Now, their communication skills between each other are just non-existent, really, but he decided from the beginning, just decided to not even try. Boyd wanted to get things over and done with as soon as possible, so regardless of whether or not he has the full story, he made a decision and moved on and this is where we are.

♂ It breaks my heart that Hsin begged to be taken to the Fourth.

♂ There’s just a cluster of reactions in my head regarding how Boyd is handling things since Hsin’s episode. It’s all a little too late, hopefully not too late, but really it’s all a little too late and now he’s going through to such extents and trying to sneak into the psychiatric building which is just crazy. All of this could have been avoided if Boyd didn’t have a habit of ignoring things and running away. So frustrating.

♂ The pain is physical. Knowing that Hsin shed tears, knowing how anguished he is, how hurt and sad and lost he is, it hurts. I have to say though, their reunion is somewhat anticlimactic. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting. Well, I did before Hsin had an episode. I figured they’d have a face-to-face confrontation, try to work it out verbally, and, you know, kind of see them meltdown in front of each other because it was just so oppressive and overwhelming but this… it’s reminiscent of the time Boyd rescued Hsin from the Fourth and they holed up in Hsin’s apartment. I don’t think the outcome is going to be as favorable. Now, I realize Hsin isn’t going to die in this book, but just knowing that his neck is on the chopping block makes me extremely uncomfortable.

♂ One thing I do wonder though, is Boyd is still rank 9; his purpose is still to be Hsin’s partner. If Hsin’s position or residence with the agency is threatened, does that still mean that Boyd’s is as well? He has proven himself to be capable of things that did not involve Hsin. He’s gone through the first level of the rank 10 selection process, so he isn’t one-dimensional–he can serve in other capacities, but will they allow for that considering he is still a part of Carhart’s team and his primary responsibility is being that anchor for Hsin?

♂ I’m disappointed that Hsin and Boyd didn’t actually talk about everything. Boyd found out from Annabelle and basically pushed everything that happened aside by saying I already know. But what he doesn’t know is Hsin’s actual thoughts and his feelings during all that. He knows the circumstances, but he doesn’t know what was really going on with Hsin during all that, so for him to just brush it aside and say I’m not mad at you about XYZ anymore and I’m not angry with you and I’m okay and all of these other things, but not actually talk about what really happened… I feel slighted. Because there are still things that have gone unsaid yet again. And, you know, it’s the same issue I wrote about in my Evenfall DC review with Boyd and Hsin and how they had the same argument over and over again. It was Sisyphean. Hsin would get upset because Boyd would always take over the mission and not even seek counsel with him considering he was his partner and a tenured Rank 10. Like, none of this was new to Hsin. Boyd would take over all the time and they’d have the same argument over and over and over again and while they called a truce in Evenfall DC where Hsin said that he’d stop being hostile if Boyd stopped being bossy. Okay, so they agree to that, but saying that they won’t do X, Y, and Z doesn’t mean that they will do D, E, and F. It doesn’t mean that Boyd will start talking to Hsin about how they should go about a mission, it doesn’t mean that Boyd will take Hsin’s thoughts into consideration or his opinion about the mission. It just means that he’ll stop taking over. They never actually agreed to try and plan things together from the beginning, that Boyd will stop dismissing things that Hsin says. What I’m saying is, it is not the same thing. Saying NO to one thing does not automatically mean saying YES to something else. And that just frustrated me so much because that was never actually resolved. This goes back to their old and perpetual communication issues. They talk, but there’s no resolution.

♂ Goodness gracious. So Boyd has been told by Carhart that he can’t even be friends with a Hsin. Okay. I don’t really have anything to say about that…maybe. I’m actually okay with it. I don’t like it like that, I mean, I’m not in favor of it, but it doesn’t upset me. What does upset me–peremptorily–is how it’s going to be handled. Is Hsin going to be told that it was ordered by Carhart that he and Boyd not be friends? Because if they don’t tell him that it was ordered by Carhart then, that is going to just color the situation completely. He is going to think that Boyd gave up on him or is pulling back from him. If he does not know why Boyd is not supporting him in the way that he said he would or has suddenly become distant, it’s going to be a problem. So as long as someone makes it clear to Hsin that Boyd’s distance is not solely his choosing, but also an order by Carhart, I will be okay.

♂ Kassian is involved in the selection process for Rank 10 and his choice could be suspicious with his friendship with Boyd… I didn’t even think of that. I didn’t think that it would be a problem. Kassian is such a by-the-book kind of guy (on the surface). I can’t imagine that he didn’t think about that, but I suppose considering the type of relationship he has with Boyd and the relationship that is simmering beneath the surface between them, maybe he was blinded by the comfort of it all. And it’s strange because at this point Boyd will become isolated himself. If he can’t be friends with Hsin… Ryan doesn’t want to see him until he’s out and then he is temporarily banned from hanging out with Kassian… So much stuff going on. Well I’m glad that Boyd is calling Kassian to tell him what’s up. I just hate when things happen and they involve people and some of the people that are involved never find out, like from the source. That just pisses me off.

♂ I feel that this chapter was very heavy, leaving me somewhat exhausted and not really hopeful for the next couple chapters.

CHAPTER 30

♂ How quickly I forget! So Boyd isn’t being left all to himself, he has his Rank 10 training friends. That’s not so bad.

♂ So back in training when Harriet and Jon were getting a little cozy, I was like, that’s nice…that’s a nice thing that might happen especially since Jon was all about Harriet. Though I don’t know what type of guy he is in that respect, whether he’s a loser who just happens to be a cool and quiet guy otherwise or if, you know, his appreciation for Harriet is reflective of a good personality. So I wonder if Harriet is just being her dismissive self or if she’s just very good at not showing her reaction. I know she can’t really hide certain things when it has to do with Kassian, but I wonder if she just has an immunity to everybody else.

♂ I cannot believe that Vivienne is the one who’s behind his stay after the Ethan Bruce debacle. What is wrong with her? That is so unlike her, like I never even would have thought… Carhart, maybe, but not really, but he seemed to be the only choice because it’s so far removed from anything Vivienne would do. I don’t understand why she would do that and I’m with Boyd, it doesn’t make any sense considering how calculated she is and how disgusted she generally is with him. why would she do that?

♂ I still don’t understand why people take it out on Boyd what his mother does. He has no control over what she does and with some of the things that has happened to him before… if she didn’t step in and rescue him then I don’t see… you know, like all the bullying and stuff… she never did anything about that, so how can they even think that this is some sort of like boon for Boyd? All of this… the special treatment or forgiveness for things, why can’t they see that he has nothing to do with any of this? Like, these are not his decisions and these aren’t things that he’s pushing for it and it’s not like he’s going to Mommy and asking her to make the path ahead smoother. Why do they constantly take it out on Boyd when she is the one that’s making the decisions? I mean, I ask this question but I know it’s just people have already decided what they’re going to think about the situation, so no matter what happens they will twist it so that it fits their preconceived notions. And that just pisses me off.

♂ Reading the confrontation between Boyd and Vivienne, I was shaking. I was shaking; I felt so many things that… I felt disgust. I was enthralled because this is just something that I just didn’t know that I wanted to see… this show down. I was hurt because it is so going to screw up Boyd’s life more than it already is. I guess I was not surprised. I did once ask if I was ever going to like that woman and I guess not. I guess the answer to that is no. No matter what her story is or what reason she has for doing anything, I will do nothing but despise the very essence of that woman. I’m so angry and then when Boyd was put into the isolation cell… I shed a tear. I shed a freaking tear. Yes I get upset over a lot of things and I talk about crying, but actual tears… okay I shed a tear! I can’t– I can’t believe it. I’m just so angry at all of this; still angry with Boyd for the way he handled Hsin’s situation, but this is just too much.

♂ While it’s all a bit too late, I’m glad that this period of self-reflection about Boyd’s devotion and his commitment to the people he cares about has come to pass. I’m glad that he is thinking about this and considering the imbalance or one of the imbalances in his relationship with Hsin. I mean, Boyd has gone to a lot of lengths to keep Hsin safe and to be a friend and a boyfriend and all these things, but yeah when it comes down to it Boyd isolates everything if it becomes inconvenient for him. If he thinks whatever his particular goal is outweighs whatever else is going on, everything else be damned. And I think back on a lot of the things that Boyd did, putting himself in danger for Hsin. it was more a way to assuage his own guilt over the situation. I mean it worked out for Hsin in the end, most the time, but it was still primarily for Boyd’s peace of mind. So I’m glad that he’s going through this. But I’m not glad that he has to go through this because it’s horrible and I’m just so torn about how things are progressing. And who knows what is going to happen with everything. Carhart’s going to hate him even more, everyone’s going to hate him even more. What kind of existence is that? I swear to goodness… Vivienne is just… she’s despicable.

♂ A booming laugh, huh? So I suspect that this person is probably the impending seventh member, the questionable seventh member of Carhart’s unit. But I can’t think of who it might be that Boyd would recognize his voice and has a booming laugh. Going back through all the people that they’ve run into I just don’t know who that could be. I mean, what comes to mind is Emilio–because I knew it was him in Monterrey… Well, very suspicious, but confirmed when Carhart reacted to the mention of 4FF–but would Emilio let himself be caught? I mean if he had an ulterior motive, of course, which I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t if he did end up being interrogated by them. But it’s going to be awkward if it is Emilio, though part of me just can’t see that being true. I mean, if he’s there, he’s definitely there by his own will. I can’t imagine him actually being subdued and brought into the agency without having an ulterior motive to be on the inside. So it might be him, although I don’t think it is, but if it isn’t him, I have no idea who it could be.

♂ But oh goodness, if it is Emilio… I want to strangle Carhart. Oh, Hsin, baby. I wish I could shelter you from the pain, confusion, and betrayal you will no doubt feel when you see a man whose absence was a yoke of infinite guilt around your neck. It’s not fair.

♂ I’m exhausted from this chapter; my emotions are in rags and my patience is wearing thin. I’m just in a sort of stasis. I’m angry and I’m frustrated and I’m exhausted and I am scared and I am worried and I’m excited and I’m so many things, but they are warring with each other. It’s like all of these molecules bouncing around to keep everything solid and in tact, you know, to hold me together. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t move on to chapter 31 right away, I have stuff to do, but Jesus, I’m just kind of in a daze after this. Only five more left.

Read from the beginning.

#icos #afterimage #santino hassell #ais #queer books #in the company of shadows #speculative fiction #slash #icos2 #reposted from @himi-reads

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