#..that you like It Its a different issue that I dont care about
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I am just like that at the students revisions and gradings...🤣😅
Gets a D or a F after not studying, doing less than the minimal homework ...and not doing shit at class sauf talking then comes to ask why they fail.
My answers (in spanish or french) :
"This outcome was predicted since your first essay". (3 fucking lines she wrote)
"If your load of (home)work Its not the one that i asked for then the results won't be your desired ones". (Not a single exercise done by him)
"If the written demonstrations of your knowledge shows that you not Only not studied but you didn't even read the class notes , then don't expect a good outcome for you" (0/10 or 2/10 points at the exam, the he asks "Bro why I am failing????")
My final answer always is :
"The quality of your work procedure Its not the one thats required for a satisfying academic result..
If you wanna better results do a better job"
Boy do they get mad 🤣
And thats my "filter on" teacher self...
They wouldn't survive my unfiltered normal self comentaries like :
"If you dont do anything but shit dont expect anything but shit lord dudebro". XD
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#Lol#passive agression#I'm like this all the time#My filtered me Its like that#My non filter me...You dont wanna know#If i tell you my HONEST opinion...#You dont recover#I'm like a female tiny nicer Gordon Ramsay basically XD#I'm going to tell you the truth always#..that you like It Its a different issue that I dont care about#The truth is the truth#get over it
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See the thing is. I know I'm good at writing. Like I have my weak areas or things I need to improve in, but it's not a skill I otherwise spend a lot of time feeling insecure about because a) if I don't believe in my writing literally who will b) if I want to publish my writing I ought to at least feel a resting level of good about it because editors and agents likely will not be cradling my face like a prize cat and telling me how talented I am while asking for their edits c) I've always had an audience for my writing even at its worst– I started sharing my original works online when I was around 16 & that really helped sell to me the idea of 'there will always be someone out there who likes what you do' d) untalented men never think this hard about the quality of their works and they always end up published anyway and e) I don't have many other thoroughly developed skills so why not have one I feel good about. Having said this. Awkward feeling to realize you're one of the authorial weak links in your postgraduate creative writing degree's social circle
#part of the issue is definitely also like. i am good at what i do! its just that im the only one doing it#40 people in my fuckass degree and im the only one who writes fantasy fiction. we had one more girl but she did romance & dropped out#(to be an agent) (this isnt a sad story)#but yeah no im mostly surrounded by very talented poets and screenwriters. which makes my works seem a little. frivolous. in comparison#and my friends especially are so fucking talented it makes me ill. and they engage politely with me about my writing but its also#superficial and i cant blame them because its simply not what they write/what theyre interested in! i feel the same about poetry#but my friend actually seemed surprised a while ago when i mentioned a thing id been writing and i joked that it looked like she was#surprised i could have good ideas and she didnt answer. and like. man.#i am a good writer! i fucking know im a good writer but im a good FANTASY writer and these people are. different writers and theyre good an#im floundering in this environment next to them and theres something not as like.. artistic in what i do its so fucking embarrassing#and they also display just such a lack of curiosity as to others' writing like.. they wont check the moodle forum to read what the others i#our module have uploaded for each assignment?? like arent you even just CURIOUS? but now im also just wondering if theyre like 🤞 this#with each other in a way that excludes me and my stupid flop ass fiction. i dont know. its just so silly. everyone always talks about#finding community in writing groups & degrees & such and that is exactly the last and most isolating place ive ever been insofar as my#writing goes. like at least way back in high school no one cared in general. here people do care. just not about what i can bring to the#table. although again i really dont know if this is a larger scale lack of curiosity/involvement in others works so i digress.#notnow#tbd#sorry this is a very priveleged complaint to have i AM deeply enjoying my degree and ik im so lucky to get to go where i attend. i just#occasionally feel sad. and knowing i failed my last assignment (which WAS fiction) (one chance to prove myself! cute) isnt helping much#if the poetrypeople are better at me even in the thing im meant to be good at. baby we're about to enter the mental health meat grinder.#but we stay silly. i think i just need to find people online etc to talk to about writing again like i did at 17.#just full insanity paragraph analysis. that was fun. i enjoyed that.
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"im shifting to get dick idc 🤭" "hot take but permashifting is actually fine" "my s/o soo fine" "the easiest way to shift" omg idccccc your honor who gafff like come onnnn. please make this worth your time
#literally not an attack bc ppl are just having fun but it irritstes me#feel free to ask me about my feelings on different shifting discourse but 99% of the time its judt gonna be IDC#i am a lover and a hater but i care about things that matter like movies and friends and trees#i try to be social on shiftblr but tbh the whole culture just annoys me#i want storytimes !@ i want DR-specific things!!!#yes i care about your dr self im curious!!!@#i would rather see 1000 posts about someone's DR apecifically then general shifting posts#ive already seen it#ive been in the shifting community for like 5 years#i dont have the time or energy to care#tbh tho i think the core issue is people have gotten too attached to the label of “shifting”#the focus is on the action instead of WHY or WHERE rheyre shifting to#a lot of you have to reconnect with why you're choosing to do this in the first place#reality shifting#shifting#loa#shiftblr#law of assumption#neville goddard#sorry not a shiftblr neg post /gen just. frustrated. snd lighthesrtedly annoyed#valerieality#valerie☆txt
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collecting pokemon merch (or just like. collecting Anything somewhat popular) is a hellish thing i wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy
#clai speaks#friend showed me a post where someone was selling the Instruction Manual (no game) (not even the box) (the paper booklet on its own)#for firered for $20. and behind it the manual for a c/stlevania game was FORTY BUCKS#THE MANUAL. THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL. WITHOUT THE VIDEO GAME. JUST THE MANUAL. $40. FOR THE MANUAL#so between that and seeing the current Issues plaguing the latest pkmn tcg releases i have been SEETHING#stoppppp collecting Purely for profit stop buying 10 of each etb or plush or whatever Just to resell stop stop STOP#i dont Mind paying a little extra for smth rare that went out of production 10 years ago thats still in good condition#i Do care when the price is so astronomically different from its release price. cough. the kotobukiya n statue. cough cough#i keep getting recommended videos about the prismatic evolutions things going on and the comments are always like#''i bought a resold booster for $20!!'' my man you got SCAMMED. HIGHWAY ROBBERY THAT IS#or its people rightfully upset that the shelves were bare 7 minutes after closing and all they wanted was One thing. like god#why couldnt i have been into something cheap. like birdwatching or smth idk. no i'm into the Marketable Plushie Franchise(tm)
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stuck in an endless cycle of being annoyed about some of the stuff that was in the trailer and then i see how excited other people are and start thinking "well maybe some of the stuff that upset me could go in a different direction than im expecting. and there was still some cool stuff in there. maybe im overreacting or jumping to conclusions" and then i remember what exactly i was annoyed about and start thinking maybe i was right the first time and then i just kind of feel sad thinking about how excited i was over the first two movies compared to how ive been feeling about the more recent movieverse content and then i get frustrated with how it feels like im not allowed to express these feelings and opinions with how defensive some movie fans get and dismiss all criticism as needless hate regardless of who its coming from or what theyre saying and then i go Okay im normal now . until im reminded of the movie again
#i feel like i should probably stop thinking about the movie but its kinda hard not to wiht how everywhere it is right now lol#it doesnt help that a lot of the stuff that stuck out as not so great to me are things casual sonic fans and the average movie watchers#or people who only like the movies and not the games probably wouldnt care about . so obviously thyere gonna be glossed over a lot#and a lot of people will think anyone whos concerned about those things is just being nitpicky and sonic fans hate everything etc#but honestly my initial anger over some parts has died down a lot im just feeling more . empty i guess. than anything#and also with the whole ''things could go in a different direction than you expect'' thing. yeah thats true. that could happen#but a lot of the stuff i didnt particularly like is just stuff that im inherently not a fan of . like sonic working with gun#its just such a weird writing choice even if it turns out they betray him or are lying to him or something#and also some of the more optimistic takes im seeing are just . idk guys.#i dont think that actor who is already confirmed to be playing a human is secretly voicing rouge#i dont think gun is gonna be portrayed as evil for killing maria when we already know gun was formed AFTER maria died in this universe#sorry .#and this isnt even getting into issues with some of the people involved with the movie
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so yea running servers isnt like a cheap thing is what ive been learning these past couple weeks
#fair warning this is me just like going off new knowledge so i could be getting things wrong#buying an actual server isnt really that expensive itself! the issue is like actually running it and when you have actual ppl on said serve#thats where costs start racking up#theres different ways to go about handling a server but mainly what ive been getting from this is:#self hosting (running urself) or managed hosting (having a 3rd party run it for you)#so when ur small or solo u can get away with managed servers cause theyre pretty lowcost or free#and you usually want to go this route if you dont have the skills built up to take care of a server yourself#or if you arent interested in learning cause its pretty time consuming and u have to upkeep it#but they are scary expensive once u get a certain amount of users from what ive seen#its extremely convenient and gives u peace of mind but theres no point using the service if ur making enough money#especially since you wont have as much control of your server if its managed#so at that point just hire people to take care of your own servers you buy#however there are still server costs u need to pay (along with the people u have hired)#im only bringing this up to say that solmare is running ''two'' separate servers for two seperate games (as far as ik)#and probably arent making that much more in profit cause#me as a user...if i have two games that r practically the same on my phone im not spending money on both#its either one or the other#but you still need to pay accordingly to have both of these servers up#like realistically they arent gonna be able to keep both apps running indefinitely#but yea whatever they were saying in the beginning about having both games running and not forgetting about the og#was either a very generous guess or they were just lying#if it were like a nikki game situation where all the games r very different then maybe it would have been feasible#anyways yea sorry i needed an excuse to talk about the website stuff ive been learning!! and obey me is always in the back of my head#im like thinking about this stuff a lot cause for my site i need to have a server and its like okay we r gucci rn#i can stick with managed for now cause im assuming its gonna stay small#but like...theres always that non zero percent chance that it might not be gucci later on lol#so been researching a lot and i just dont wanna run my own server that sounds so boring its not even funny#so yea im just like AHHH
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The anguish I feel knowing no story is ever gonna have characters as good as the letter 😔
#the letter#yeah yeah im having a moment rn#this game is a major influence on how i write inner monologue and characters in general#cuz damn its hard not to come out of it changed as a person#like damn idk its like. ive not found much other stuff that can just perfectly encapsulate relationships and the people within them like#the letter does like every character has so much nuance and depth and such complicated feelings about the other characters#and everyone just meshes together so nicely like both in conflict and in agreement#the main friend group is so well written like theyre all their own fully realized characters and they have different bonds with each other#and some of them kinda fight a lot#but you can tell just how much they care about each other and love each other like they really do feel like close friends#with ups and downs and when one person is going through something it affects the group in such a realistic way#and they all get good moments together like as a group and also one on one#its great and the issue is every other piece of media looks like garbage in comparison lol#i dont care if my stories are airtight as long as the characters are what i want them to be
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maybe this was common knowledge and ive been severely out of the loop but the fact that russel t davies is gay is kind of rocking my world rn?
#like obviously his characters were always super fuckin queer but idk there is still something different knowing that like#its not accidental rep its not pandering its not rainbow capitalism#its one of us telling our stories#like. idk how much torchwood criticism ive read that boiled down to 'they all act bi but dont address it'#and then seeing a clip of an interview w him being like 'yeah thats deliberate i thought it was time to bring bi ppl into mainstream#and i think in a world with literal aliens it would get a lot harder to care about gender in the first place to even need to try#and define it' and its like. hello???? why did no one mention this before?????????#like that literally describes 99% of my friends is 'am i gay? am i bi? do i have gender preference at all? fuck if i know i have#bigger issues to think about'#ppl criticized it for being bad representation but like. is it?#is a group of misfits with nowhere else to go and only each other to rely on who have weirdly intense co-dependant#sometimes toxic messy relationships and lots of hooking up not descriptive of like. most queer friend groups#raise a hand if youre queer and arent exes with at least one of your closest friends. yeah thats what i thought#anyways thats all thank you verilybitchy for your doctor who videos im astral projecting#origibberish
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starting to think this website is bad for my mental health.....
#⚠️#personal#everytime i come on here and read a post thats discourse its like entering a boss battle against my ocd#like fuck! not again!!#i dont know the answer and my brains yelling at me if i dont reblog fast enough im a bad person and i cant scroll by either causr thatll#make me a bad person whos ignoring what seems to be an obvious problem and now im FUCKED!!!#yeah maybe i could just unfollow discourse people but theyre half the people i follow and also some of my mutuals and like#its not like i dont care about issues its just hard to engage with anything on here when my own mind keeps yelling at me im a horrible#person for not reblogging whatever new queer discourse post has appeared on my dash#its exhausting!#i wish spaces online were more ocd friendly! but they never will be! cause social media thrives off reactionary aggressive shit like#''reblog this or youre a TERRIBLE PERSON'' and even when the op isnt saying that and is like calmly explaining things or at least from what#i can gather from their tone over the internet which is hard to judge that voice is still in my head like people on here will label you a#shitty person for not reblogging certain posts and that scares me and my ocd so bad!#i do care its just hard to want to engage with anything when everyones so angry all the time#yeah people can be justified in that anger but still for people like me who struggle with moral ocd its hard#ive been considering jsut not reblogging discourse but i want to show solidarity with people this discourse is about#i want to show i care cause i do its just hard like#i feel like half the shit i reblog on here is a compulsion#yeah maybe i should spend less time on here but even when im trying to do that i still scroll on my dash for maybe like 5 minutes and ive#already been hit with like 20 different discourse posts#i jsut came on here for gotham fan content idk man
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and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever
#not to be a sensitive little bitch except im not.#i dont want to be rude or too explicitly open about the things i dont really like to talk about#but sometimes. frankly. people need to take on the weight of their own feelings. insecurities. thoughts. etc and then some#some of us grew up with little to no emotional support and in fact took on the weight of their family's issues and the brunt of their#emotional immaturity and sometimes that makes someone feel fundamentally rattled and unsafe in moments like that#some of us had pretty much every big personal emotional. thing. that happened to them minimized and turned into some tragic#family conversation. or had someone reply like huh idk if that could have happened to you i certainly dont remember that#and then you wonder if people were ever looking out for you and if the ones that did just truly didnt care.#um. anyway. this is not just to be like oh im so quirky and different and traumatized lol but im reaching a boiling point when it comes#to people just like. doing this shit. or whatever. im going to start screaming#i shouldnt have to bare my fucking soul to you for you to go oh huh maybe this is a sensitive subject perhaps#frankly we arent the same and we dont relate and aw bummerooni ik im not the only sufferer but good god.#our lives were very different in some ways!#and sometimes all i want is for someone to say its ok kid you did good#again. not to be dramatic. but when ive talked about MY upheaval of feelings or w/e like if thats been impacting#how ive been acting and people start crying at me or get all whatever. oh it makes me wanna be the one to pass the torch#yeah man imagine how tired we are.#ok talking incoherently now so im gonna go do my job i guess.#abby talks#i know no one will save me but maybe sometimes it’d be nice to share the weight regardless
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i do think whenever someone makes a post like "i'm autistic and managed to do this therefore all other autistic people should be able to do it and if they can't they're a worse person than me" there should be a mini survey they're required to fill in about their views towards high support needs autistic people
#um.txt#is that the right term? ik low / high functioning isnt said anymore but you get what i mean...#the thing is about that vegetable post is i DO agree with it and get op. people with milder sensory issues and food aversions#are going to make themselves sick rather than do work to manage it. but its just irritating seeing people make#sweeping statements like 'i dont CARE if you're autistic because I AM TOO and i did this' ok... did you just find out#today that different autistic people often have different symptoms and different levels of support needed? lol
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Thanks for your post explaining the situation surrounding Mariusz quitting his job! You write: "As someone who lives in Wrocław and is a student at its Music Academy I can only tell you - he was... not much liked, to put it lightly, by the Big People". By all means, he was a celebrated opera singer in Europe and the USA. What made them dislike him so much?
oh goodness gracious, i really cant say, why would you even ask me that! im the last person who'd engage in such shameless gossiping!
sike lol
i never heard anyone say he was not a great artist. no one doubted that. people only questioned whether he was the right guy for the job, only having experience as a singer, a perfomer, no matter how renowned. or rather, the main issue was - how much, having no experience in the position he now occupied, he was earning. because that really was an insane (and i mean. INSANE) amount of money.
Ołdakowska getting the job of the director was also a pretty controversial thing, so automatically, people who weren't in favour of her winning, didn't also like Kwiecień since she was the one who chose him for the job.
then there was the issue of the changes Mariusz wanted to make. he was in favour of promoting young, new singers and hiring big names for guest performances, ergo, many of the singers who had already been hired full-time for years by the opera house in Wrocław stopped getting big roles etc. no roles - no money (or rather, very little money, the bare minimum actually). this, coupled with the amount Kwiecień was earning... well.
he and Ołdakowska also promised Big Things but sadly they both got the jobs in the beginning of 2020 and we all know what happened then, not much could actually be done when the entire world was more or less paralysed by the pandemic.
and yeah, that's more or less it. id say, tl;dr in the end it's always all about money. and some personal beef he may or may not have had with some people, i really can't say cause that's all i know.
#please remember that in the end we're all just sipping tea and gossiping here. i say what i know what ive heard.#but do take into account that i generally tend to Not Know Shit on many topics so. yknow. dont take my word for godsent truth#no matter how tempting it is 😇 having said that.#i personally know some young singers who worked with him and never heard them say a bad word about him#but then again#being a nice person doesnt magically erase other things that you fucked up#i stated my personal opinion on the issue with the changes he made that not everyone welcomed in the previous post#so i wont say a thing about that here#the money thing... look. he stated his price. someone had to agree to pay him that amount. they could have said 'no sir that's fucked up'#but they didnt. they hired him for that amount and it's not like. illegal or sth. the morality of it is a different thing altogether.#and ngl i am biased because ive been a huge fan of mariusz since i can remember.#but the truth is - i know if the same thing was done by eg n*trebko or someone i dont like id absolutely drag their ass through dirt#and say it's a scandal so.#thankfully its not my job to have an opinion about him as a person. all i know and care about is that he is an amazing artist.#a spectacular actor. a decent baritone. and it is to him that i owe a huge part of why i fell in love with opera in the first place so#there you have it#mariusz kwiecień#opera tag#gossips uwu
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it's the way yall act so offended by people who want to use as little animal products as possible. why does that bother you so much, bud?
#i could literally not bring it up at all just the sheer fact im doing it infuriates some people and its genuinely hilarious#how to trigger control freaks:#what if i just dont want to#what if my way of loving animals is by not using their byproducts as if they owe it to me?#im not saying you have to love them different im just telling you how i do#why does that make you recoil and get frustrated sm tho?#why does my way have to be wrong when i havent even said anything about your way?#personally i think any love and care offered to animals is better than none so im just happy you're more likely to sympathize w them#than other types of people.#i have my opinions but its clear you dont want to hear them so why are you still so angry with me and my existence? why can i still feel#it emanating off you even though i've given you a million passes?#i do what i think is right for me. i dont try to control other peoples lives.#i sometimes try to tell people what i think is right but everyones so fucking touchy about veganism that its hard to even bring up so.#what is genuinely your fucking issue bud? you cant argue its 'propaganda' (funded by who??? Big Tofu? ok rw conspiracy theorist)#since i hardly get a chance to talk about it anyways- why are you so bothered by the way i lead my life? bc thats what it is.#the way i lead my life- something that doesnt and shouldnt involve you.
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the thing about luci and magpie is that im so fine about them until i think about them a little too hard and then theres Casualties
#and its not like i can like. draw anything about it. because the entire thing is that they literally have no way to reconcile any of this.#piktalk#pikocs#that little pink thing is a walking time bomb and mags is progressively walking closer 'no i can handle it for sure'#BECAUSE. theres a very nonzero chance the entire thing is enabling some of mags' messier traits as well--#--but in the opposite direction of what he thinks they Should be.#no no you dont get it he has to Prove hes a better person now he Has to make up for it it Has to mean something-#-tied in with this weird cataclysmic paranoia around the idea of Loss; in that he cant really back away from one without hitting the other.#but hes so wrapped up in Trying To Fix This that it doesnt really Click.#hes doing it because he cares and because he believes things could be better for her if she just had the chance. But.#its also deeply rooted in his tangle of self worth. hes far; Far too passive with her. she will and Does act solely on her own interests.#its in this weird place where whatever happens; its just outright disastrous for Both of them.#not even getting into luci's side because its an entirely different Huge Fucking Issue. sighs.
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In other news heres a flip the coin game: Is it a new fandom interest or did i think too hard about a funny pairing dynamic so it is kicking around in my brain for longer than expected (on top of spending over three weeks between being amused by the inclusion of historical mythology a kid i used to babysit was obsessed with combined with mentally lamenting over 'of COURSE they made him a blonde white guy, its anime why did i expect better') or wind up thinking about something else related to it a tiny bit too hard.
#Let me tell you my brain deciding to just randomly pick situations and crack ships during an nine hour ER visit accompanying a friend??#did not help.#I either officially have one foot in hell now.#Or my brain has been too tired to give a fuck about hyperfixations so its just been?#Its just been whatever the fuck my friends have been yammering on about.#The *checks notes* 'worst guy to find relatable' situation has done zero favours because the brain is all 'here. here is a guy you can writ#--easily. it will be fun. promise.' from time to time. (spoiler: its easy for Not Fun reasons)#While on the flip side the part of me that never quite let go of my childhood historical interests wants to flip a table.#Because i fucking hate how 'stuck up blonde white guy' fits the personality they chose.#Oh well. Take things as they go one step at a time because im too bored to care to choose to do something else with my time every other--#--tuesday night.#Honestly it would of been fine if it wasn't a old hyperfixation of a friend who started prattling on about one of the games.#Did NOT help lmao. Shit was so 'oh fuck this character is extra relatable now and i fucking hate it' to the point that??#I spent like one third of my fortnightly allocated psych couch time talking about it while mentally face down in a pool.#because of the embarrassment over making a joke and underestimating the shit my brother told his ex gf.#She was not supposed to get the jokes secondary hidden punchline.#I Talk#I mean i dont hate the series.#I cannot say i love it either.#But it has merits here and there.#It is entertaining at least even if it could very much Do Better(tm)#The sad part is i can see exactly why one of my cousins recced it like a decade ago#i felt too embarrassed to ask what the name was again because i had forgotten between my job and health issues and craft hobbies.#....but now i think it was perhaps a good thing it was put off instead of added to the 'watch with the crew' pile.#Because im quite sure one of my friends would of been obnoxious about it lmao.#Because it would of been like the whole 'why dont you hate him more? your mother is eerile like frieza' situation all over again.#Which for the record was incredibly awkward having to explain that despite the similarities they are different enough it doesn't annoy me.#Also my mother isn't a fictional character.#But maybe im just good at compartmentalising shit like that.
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#hi sorry to ventpost on the poetry blog again#but i gotta write this out so i can get my brain to SHUT UP and maybe sleep. anyway.#its just so interesting because like. i fear there is something wrong with me. i fear i am in fact fucked up for no good reason#smth smth imposter syndrome except im the actual imposter#and like. the issue i keep coming back to right. there are two options.#either this is just The Way That I Am or it's some chemical imbalance in my brain that i inherited#so either i have to do work to change as an actual person or do work to find myself treatment#because again. no one is coming to save me. there is no miracle cure i can take to be a different person.#and the thing about me. i had changing. i hate doing work. i dont want to do any of that.#tbh the problem right now is i dont really want to do anything except read and sleep and stare at the wall so you know. par for the course.#but even under the best of circumstances im just. a lazy person. i dont want to do things and i dont.#and re: there are two options right. like fundamentally it doesn't matter because this is still something i am. who cares if its my fault.#i still have to deal with that. i still might just fucking torpedo my career and my life and every opportunity ive ever been given#because i simply can't be bothered. because i would rather waste my money and my time just fucking rotting.#and what gets to me the most is the opportunity part too. i am SO FUCKING LUCKY to have the people and the life and the resources i do#and yet im still like this#if it was just a question of me i think i'd be able to bear it#but thinking about all the people who took a chance on me and believe in me and like me for some fucking reason is crushing#and admitting i cant get it together would be letting them all down#but keeping on like this still feels horrible bc im similarly letting them down by lying and allowing them to believe im a good person#I KNOW THIS SOUNDS DRAMATIC but do keep in mind i am in fact actively lying and hiding and making up excuses. i promise there are fr issues#and like i know the important ppl will stay regardless but thats almost worse somehow?#im just so scared of going from a loved-because to a loved-despite#even though i think that's the best kind. but Its Different When Its Me because obviously it is#if it turns out i just need to switch meds im gonna feel so fucking stupid in a week#except this has been a reoccurring theme for much longer than that so. re: i fear this is just the way i am. sigh#okay enough this isnt doing shit time to pass out woooo#to delete
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