#...yep this accurately sums up my feelings | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zepskies · 1 year ago

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Hey, lovely!! So exciting to read your comments on this one! 💕💕

Honestly you give me some damn good ideas, and this one happened to stick!

The first scene was hard to write. The bros are already on edge, but I'm so glad you thought I got them both in character. Dean wanting to avoid the issue, with Sam wanting to hash it out. Sam in particular I wanted to get right, as he's tricky for me sometimes.

Now, I know you were probably tempted to skip to the Dean ending, but I so appreciate that you read Sam's as well. 😂

I liked how honest the reader was and how quick she was to defend Dean because he ultimately didn’t do anything. The Twilight comment had me giggling for sure 😂

Hehee I had fun with that Twilight line, and the Beatles reference in Dean's ending. 🤣 But yeah this reader doesn't BS once she gets the courage to speak her mind.

And as for the "explanations" she gives at the end, I actually grabbed that scenario (being Jess's friend) from an old story I outlined but never fully wrote that was Sam x OC. It felt right for this scenario.

Was just so perfectly accurate and I hope Sam ultimately listens. The last few sentences broke my heart. Dean hurting and closing the door and shutting them out both literally and metaphorically was just devastating.

Oh yes, Sam does ultimately listen to her in my head. But I know the ending of this one killed you as much as it did me. 🥺 You got it in one -- "literally and figuratively" closing the door.

But oh this next ending. You still made it a rollercoaster to get to the end but I enjoyed the ride. I love that the reader demanded dean to be more open about his feelings and how long he had them.

It was a rollercoaster, wasn't it? 😂 She had to be persistent with Dean, regardless of how much he doesn't want to deal with this. How much easier for him it would be to just bury it all. (She doesn't let him.)

I just wish he would see himself as he truly is sometimes! ““Why would you give up what you’ve got with him, for me?”” This line summed up deans thought of himself so perfectly.

IKR?? Goddamn it, Dean. 😭 I was as frustrated as the reader at some points loll. But yeah, I agree that line pretty much sums it up for Dean's self-deprecation.

Let’s be honest, the reader was setting herself up for failure with that kiss. Who in their right mind is going to kiss that beautiful man and think, nah not for me 😂

HONESTLY. 😩 She's a dum dum, thinking it could've gone any other way.

But then reality comes crashing down… deans response of “we’ve already hurt him” really hit home of how shitty this situation is despite me preferring this outcome. I’m just glad they’ve got each other as things are going to be rocky with Sam for a while!

Yep, "that ship has sailed," indeed. 😭 That part was hard to write, but they're going to get through telling Sam..I imagine the next bit is gonna be rough, but they'll tackle that together too.

Thank you so much, my friend!! 💞💞

Choosing Him

Pairing: Dean W. x Reader, Sam W. x Reader

Summary: You and Sam have been dating and living together for a few months, when Dean shocks you with a confession. Now you have to choose.

AN: This was requested by this beautiful anon! (And also by my friend! ❤️)

Read this as a stand-alone or see this imagine for context: Dean gives you an impossible choice. (In which Dean is in love with Sam’s girlfriend.)

**Note: This contains two alternate endings: Sam vs. Dean.

Song Inspo: “I’m on Fire” by Bruce Springsteen

Word Count: 4,300 Tags/Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, unrequited love, as well as love requited.

Imagine: Choosing him.

“Dean, just talk to me. What the hell happened?” Sam asked.

No, he implored. Angrily.

But he implored, nonetheless.

Dean was good at being stubborn. In fact, he was a professional. His lips were tight in a frown, his brows just as knitted as his brother’s.

He sat cross armed on the couch while Sam stood, using his hands to punctuate his exclamations, as he often did when he was frustrated.

“Nothing, man. I already told you,” Dean tried.

“No,” Sam said sharply. “She’s actively avoiding you. And you’re taking any excuse you can not to be within three feet of my girlfriend. So either you said something, or you did something.”

Dean looked up at his brother with a heavy sigh through his nose.

They’d been at this for a while now. So long that he was surprised you hadn’t come barreling into the living room already to break up the argument. Because he had a feeling that just the sight of you would shut them both up. (Not in a good way.)

Dean’s throat was tight, his stomach churning with unease, though he tried to show none of it on his face. He could see that Sam was on the verge of losing his shit. Just a hair away from assuming the worst.

And the worst of him.

That, Dean couldn’t abide.

“Look,” he gritted out. “I didn’t do anything.”

Sam paused, tilting his head. He took in a breath that was only slightly calming, enough that he lowered to a seat on the coffee table, across from his brother.

“Then what’d you say?” he asked.

Dean felt even guiltier just remembering.

Three weeks ago…

You wanted to know why he was drinking alone. Why he’d downed nearly an entire bottle of Jameson in the kitchen on a Tuesday night.

“You really wanna know?” Dean asked. His voice was both a rumble and a coarse whisper. His green-eyed gaze fell to your lips.

He watched you suck in a subtle breath. Your eyed widened, and your body froze. He also saw the blush staining your cheeks.

So he leaned in, slowly. He was mere inches away from finding out how sweet you really were.

He heard your shallow breath. His eyes flicked up to yours, and instinctively knew that he’d captured you. He was making you think about it.

“Tell me no,” Dean said. Tell me to stop, or I swear to God...

“Dean, what...” you whispered. But that wasn’t a no.

Still, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t do it. Not to Sam.

Dean merely reached out with a hand to soothe a gentle thumb across your cheek. He realized then that he loved you. He loved you enough to let you go, if he had to.

"It comes down to this," Dean said. His voice was deep, full of grit and desire. He saw the conflict in your eyes.

He swallowed. His heart was pounding against his ribcage, but he used every ounce of self-restraint he had left, forcing his hand to fall away from your cheek.

"You've got two choices, sweetheart," he said. And he pulled away, leaving you there at the table.

You never told him to stop…but he just couldn’t do it.

“It doesn’t matter,” Dean eventually answered his brother.

He ultimately couldn’t bring himself to voice the desperation of a drunken idiot.

He met Sam’s gaze directly. This much, he could say.

“All you need to know is I’d never…even drunk off my ass, I’d never hurt you,” Dean said.

Sam turned those words back and forth in his mind. His mouth firmed as he read between the lines, as he so often had to with Dean, who struggled to express the deeper parts of himself. Sam realized then what his brother was finally confessing.

“She loves you,” Dean added, with a self-deprecating smile.

That fell between them for a moment, as Sam rested a hand on his knee and processed all of this in record time. He glanced up.

“What about you?” he asked.

Again, with that quirk of a smile that didn’t reach Dean’s eyes.

“Don’t you worry about that either.”

He got up, clapped Sam on the shoulder, and left him there to continue thinking. Dean passed the kitchen and continued down the hall.

Neither man realized that you were standing behind the kitchen doorway. You’d been about to attempt a bit of stress baking. A chocolate tart, maybe. Or a cheese souffle. Or even the new cherry pie recipe you’d found for Dean. Anything to take your mind off your current predicament.

However, now you knew you couldn’t put it off anymore.

You didn’t want this, for either of them. You couldn’t let yourself be a coward.

Steeling yourself with a deep breath, you left the safety of the kitchen…

And you ventured into the living room, where your boyfriend was still brooding. He raised his head when he saw you out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey,” he said, clearing his throat. Even now, he was relieved to see you. He also felt like he was standing on unsteady ground.

“Hey, yourself,” you greeted back. You tried to smile, but your heart was in your stomach with nerves. “I need to tell you something.”

Sam seemed to realize what you wanted to talk about. He sighed.

“Look, don’t worry about it. Dean and I talked it out—”

“No. No, because I need to say this. Because you deserve to hear it from me,” you insisted.

You also paused, as you didn’t quite know where to go from here.

Sam’s brows furrowed, but he tried to be patient. He watched your gears turning as thought to thought shifted in your eyes. It was one of the things he loved most about you, how open and expressive you were. He could usually tell what you were thinking…except for today. And the past few weeks.

That was what had him more nervous than he’d like to admit. If a blow was coming, he’d really like to be prepared…but he just couldn’t fucking tell.

Until you began speaking.

“Okay, first of all. Nothing happened,” you assured. You rested your hands on Sam’s shoulders. He looked up into your eyes, but before he could even nod in response, you kept going.

“Dean was drunk, and I wasn’t. Which probably won’t make you feel all that better, but the point is, all I did was ask him what’s wrong? And he didn’t want to tell me. But then I pushed the issue, as you know I do sometimes. I’m working on it, I really am.”

You levied a finger at Sam, at which he could only nod. Again, before he could offer a reply, you kept going.

“Well, finally he was all, you sure you wanna know?” you said, mimicking Dean’s deeper voice. Sam was tempted to smile, if but for what you were actually saying, and the way your gaze averted from his.

“And there was a moment there when…I thought maybe he might try to…but he didn’t. The problem is, I didn’t say no,” you confessed. Your brows knitted as you revealed how disheartened you felt at that, how guilt-ridden.

Sam’s eyes softened a bit, even though your words stung.

“I should’ve said it,” you knew. “I should’ve pulled away, but I didn’t. Though in my defense! I was in shock. He was saying shocking things without saying them, you know? And I don’t want to be in this cliché…teen drama-esque, love triangle bullshit! You’re not Edward and I’m not Bella and this isn’t goddamn Twilight. And I refuse to be treated as such.”

You were huffing and puffing by the end of your little rant. Your eyes widened a fraction when you caught Sam trying to stamp down a smile.

“Is this amusing to you?” you snapped.

“Not at all,” Sam said. He shook his head, and with a sigh, drew you back to him with his hands on your hips. You stood between his open legs and grasped the front of his shirt.

“Look, thank you for telling me,” he said. “I know that we kind of rushed this a little. The moving in thing, I mean. It just…it felt right, at the time.”

“Yeah, I was kinda there for that,” you quipped. Your smile made him smile in return.

“Well, I guess I just need to ask you…if it still feels right,” he said.

He looked up into your eyes, still not quite sure what he would find. His heart was in his throat, no matter how many times he cleared it. He was good at looking calm when he wasn’t, and maybe his face was composed, but inside him was a tempest.

You calmed it with one touch. A gentle hand on his chest.

“Sam,” you said. Your smile was beautiful and warm. “After you left Stanford. After what happened to Jess…I didn’t know that her funeral was the last time I was ever going to see you.”

Despite that melancholy memory, your lips soon curved into a grin.

“Well, not for a long time anyway.” You both lightened at that.

Then you became more contemplative. Your gaze wandered beyond him for a moment, lost in the past.

Sam’s hands moved up to your waist and squeezed gently. You came back to him with a brighter expression.

“But when I saw you again, I thought…damn, he’s amazing,” you said with a giggle. “Even more amazing then when I knew him.”

Sam looked down at that, despite his smile. You picked him back up with your hand on his cheek. It was overgrown with stubble, a week or so past when he'd usually shave.

You didn't mind the scratchiness, but you wondered if you'd been distracting him too with your indecision. That thought made you feel all the more guilty.

“I still think that when I see you. Get to wake up next to you, research mythology and symbology and dead languages, and other things that should be impossible,” you said. “So yes, it still feels right for me. Very much so.”

Sam’s more genuine smile lightened you. He nodded and let you tilt his head back, slipping your fingers through his hair. He liked the way you touched him freely, both reassuring and affectionate.

He didn't want to admit it, but he'd been quietly afraid. Afraid he'd read you wrong, that his heart had somehow lied to him. Now he knew that it rang true.

“Okay. Good,” he said. And he reached up to touch his lips to yours.

At least, it was a simple touch at first. It soon grew in passion, becoming a more claiming kiss. He pulled you in flush against him. A hand tangled into your hair, brushing against the back of your neck, and you hummed in delight.

Your hands sunk further into his hair, just as your mouth wordlessly claimed him back. His long fingers trailed down your back and made you shiver against him. You gave more and more of yourself with each kiss.

"I love you," you whispered against his lips. Because he deserved to hear that too.

Sam paused. His eyes were still closed as he recovered some of his breath. He rested his forehead against yours and brushed a tender hand down the soft column of your neck.

"I love you too," he admitted. He had resisted saying it, and even felt a bit ashamed that he'd doubted your feelings. Now, he felt like an idiot for not fighting harder before.

This, what he had with you, it was worth fighting for.

He smiled at the way you kissed his cheek then, soft and slow and with purpose.

After a moment, you pulled away to stroke his cheek once more…and also to tell him one last thing.

“When I saw you again, I did have another thought,” you said. “He’s amazing, but…how can I think that about my best friend’s boyfriend?”

Sam frowned then, as that reality had crossed his mind as well, back when he reconnected with you last year. You held a hand to your chest, over your heart.

“Jess was like a sister to me. So how could I think about you like that? It didn’t matter how much time had passed since her death. That thought, and those feelings still had weight, Sam,” you said. “My point is…try not to be too hard on your brother for this. I think he’d rather lob off an arm than cause you any pain.”

Sam considered your words with a nod.

“I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry,” he said.

“No, I…I’d like to talk to him, if you don’t mind,” you said. “That is, if you trust me.”

Sam’s brows rose, and then furrowed slightly.

“I do, baby,” he said. “You can talk to him if you want, but…I have to. He’s my brother. He should hear it from me too.”

No need, Dean couldn’t help but think.

He pushed off from the wall, twisting a wrench in his hand as he made his way back to the garage.

It stung. Actually, it fucking cut and twisted. More painfully than Dean would ever, ever admit.

However, he knew when he needed to bow out. This was one of those times.

He’d just have to learn how to let you go, for good this time. He wouldn’t risk hurting you, or his brother again.

So once he made it to the end of the hall, he shut the door, once and for all.

Or…

You didn’t want this, for either of them. You couldn’t let yourself be a coward.

Steeling yourself with a deep breath, you left the safety of the kitchen…

And you ducked out the back way, heading down the hall.

You found Dean exactly where you’d expected—in the garage, getting ready to work on his Baby. He was sitting on a stool with his box of tools beside him. Tools he didn’t let anyone touch (except for that one time you hid his power drill, just to mess with him).

You crossed your arms.

“We need to talk,” you said.

Dean sighed, and spied your stern face over his shoulder.

“What fucking now?” he muttered. You didn't quite hear him, but you recognized his surly frown.

“Yes, right now,” you said. “Why did you do it?”

“What?” Dean asked, raising incredulous brows. “Why?”

“Yeah, why.” You stepped up to him while he swiveled in your direction. “If you supposedly had feelings for me, why did you wait so damn long? Why did you wait until we got here?”

You weren’t just casually dating his brother. You were living with him. Even if it had just been a few months, you loved Sam…and yet, you hadn’t pushed Dean away when he almost kissed you.

Why, why, why? you thought. Your teeth ground together when you thought of how tenderly Dean had touched you. The fire in his eyes, just barely held back by a thin wall of self-restraint.

“Tell me no,” he’d said.

And now, annoyance made his face tight.

“Look, just forget about it, all right? I was drunk—”

“No. You weren’t that drunk,” you refuted. “I’ve seen you slaphappy, laughing at nothing, grinning like the Joker and falling onto the couch face-first, passed out drunk. You were coherent that night. You were honest. So tell me, how long have you felt this way?”

Dean tensed. He didn’t want to do this. You both knew that, but he also knew that you weren’t giving him much of a choice.

And yet, you were waiting on him, as patiently as you could manage (something he knew was difficult for you). He sighed deeply.

“Pretty much from the beginning,” he said.

“What?” you said, ever so eloquently. You wanted to cringe at yourself. (And you called yourself a linguist.)

Your lips pursed in disbelief. “What part of the beginning?”

Dean glared heavenward, as if that could stop you from asking questions.

“From the first damn second I saw you,” he snapped. The longer he looked at you, however, he couldn’t help but soften. “I remember, you argued with Sam about dead languages, that Latin was for pussies. Ancient Greek was the tougher beat.”

That was true, you thought. And that argument stemmed back from when you and Sam were in college. Ancient history, you could say.

“The Greeks were more fun too,” you added. It triggered a smile to briefly lighten Dean’s face.

“Yeah, you said something about mass orgies,” he said, his brows furrowing.

You bit your lip at the memory. You might’ve winked at Dean with more confidence than you’d felt at the time.

Now, the man shook his head.

“Right then, I wanted to know you,” he said. “Problem is, the more I did, the more I liked what I saw.”

You stared back at him in dismay.

“Why couldn’t you have just told me from the beginning?” you asked.

Dean made a sound of frustration, carding a hand roughly through his hair.

“Oh, and what, break up the show?” he snarked. He waved haphazardly beyond you, to the moose of a man somewhere beyond the closed doors of the garage. Remembering his brother made Dean’s irritation start to fade, back into self-deprecation.

“You and Sam…you’ve got history,” he said. “He’s smart. He takes care of you, protects you. He’s uh, more the boyfriend type, anyway.”

Dean looked away from you then, crossing his arms. You relaxed yours and couldn’t help but draw near to him. A frown took over your features as you tilted your head.

“Okay, Sam and I have history,” you said with a nod. “But…you don’t think you’re smart too?”

Dean’s lips pursed somewhat as he glanced back up at you. You met his stare.

“You don’t think you’re capable of all those other things?” you asked.

Dean didn’t have an answer for you. At least, not one he was willing to say.

For the past few weeks, you’d been fighting with yourself. You’d turned that moment in the kitchen over and over in your mind, and why you couldn’t do what you were supposed to do.

Now, looking at Dean’s face, you understood why your heart broke for him. Why your heart ached with ridiculous longing for him in equal measure.

You knew then that he’d take care of you. That he’d protect you. And maybe…

“Sam and I don’t make a habit of going after the same girl,” Dean said. Even that, it seemed, was difficult for him to get out.

It broke you from your thoughts, again with your frown.

“Yeah?” you asked. A bit of your temper sparked once again. “Is that why you’re making me Yoko Ono? I’ll tell you something right now. You’re not John and Sam’s not Paul and I refuse to break up the band, Dean!”

“No one’s asking you to!” Dean said, finally raising his voice to match you.

He got off his seat and stood to his full height. Though he wasn’t as tall as his brother, he still towered over you. You craned your head up to glare at him.

His green eyes were once again full of fire. You tried to resist it, but that look made a jolt of electricity zip down your spine, and between your legs.

“Oh, really?” you retorted. “That’s what you want? For me to forget you didn’t shake me the hell up?”

“Yeah, I really fucking would,” Dean gritted out. Even though his heart leapt at your admission, that he’d shaken you up at all.

“Why?” you said. “If you claim to care about me, why would you—”

“Why would you?” he shot back. He gestured at you with a dismissive hand. “The second you saw him, it was like your face lit the hell up. I’m not gonna get in his way. And by the time the you two were together, I just…I didn’t think you…”

Dean cut himself off, turning from you to wipe a frustrated hand over his mouth.

You watched him very closely, all while you made efforts to take in some deep, even breaths. You followed him, and more tentatively, you grabbed onto his wrist to tug him back around.

“Why would I what, Dean? You didn’t think I’d what?” you all but pleaded. Your grip lowered and tightened on his hand.

“Just talk to me,” you said. “Because this is your one and only chance.”

He was reluctant. For once, you could see it written all over his face. Or maybe you were just getting better at reading him.

“It’s fine. I’ve made my peace with it,” said Dean.

Liar.

He shook his head and slipped his hand out of yours.

“At the end of the day, you saw him, not me,” he said. “So go back upstairs, and we’ll never have to talk about this again.”

Your frown deepened as he sat back down and tried to turn away from you. You were so goddamn mad. At yourself, or at him, you didn’t know what percentages of each.

So you closed the distance between you and Dean and turned him back around, with a firm hand on his shoulder. Even with that small touch, your insides fluttered at the firm muscle there, and the broadness of his frame when he let you move him. He blew out an exasperated breath.

You wavered just slightly, as you contemplated the confession you were about to make. It shamed you, but at the same time, you were woman enough to admit your mistakes.

“I did see you,” you said, meeting his eyes. “But Sam never hesitated to show me what he wanted. And maybe…maybe he was safer. Familiar, and less dangerous.”

Dean’s brows furrowed, incredulous and confused.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.

You couldn’t fault him for it. Your hand eased on his shoulder.

“Dean, seeing Sam again was like getting my best friend back,” you told him. “Back in college, we were thick as thieves. Me and Jess, Sam and Brady. And when you two found me to help with that case, I wouldn’t have ever seen him as anything more than my friend…until he did something about it.”

Your gaze was pointed. Dean’s lips pursed.

“When I met you,” you continued, “it was like the Godfather ‘thunderbolt.’ When you flirted with me, I didn’t know what to do with myself…whereas with Sam, I could fall back on my old habits.”

Dean’s face knitted further, making you sigh.

“With Sam, I’m the person I was when he knew me. The me that never faltered. That had all my shit together,” you said. Your small smile then was self-deprecating at best.

You felt vulnerable. Dean could see it in the way you held yourself. It was costing you something to be this honest, and that meant something to him. His face might've been stoic, but he was hanging on your every word.

“With you…with you I can’t hide," you said. Your voice was softer, slightly trembling. "And that terrifies me, more than monsters.”

Looking into Dean’s eyes again, you found him actually listening. He seemed to be digesting your words, and trying to make sense of them. You reached for him, clenching a hand in his shirt.

“So what was it that you thought I wouldn’t do?” you asked.

Dean studied your face a moment longer. He hesitated.

But he couldn’t keep lying to you either. What you’d just said gave him hope that he wasn’t about to fall flat on his face here.

With a deep, defeated breath, he shook his head and leaned his elbows on his thighs.

“I just got to thinkin’…” he said. “Why would you give up what you’ve got with him, for me?”

You didn’t know quite what to feel when you looked down at him. Disheartened, sympathetic, annoyed…but most of all, you felt your heart clench.

Your hands framing Dean’s face brought his eyes back to yours. You stepped in between his open legs.

“I’m going to try something. Just once,” you said, biting your lip. “And if it doesn’t work, we won’t speak of this again. Understand?”

A true smile finally twitched at the corner of his mouth.

“All right,” he agreed. You nodded.

Slowly, ever slowly, you leaned down and brushed your lips with his. It was chaste and sweet. Your hands were soft curving along his jawline. His hands found their way to your waist, molding to your shape. That steadied you, and encouraged you to dive back in.

You tilted your head and kissed him a bit deeper. He held you more securely against him, like he was afraid you were going to think better of this and pull away from him.

But you didn’t. His lips were soft and supple and knew how to move against yours. He soon guided you down for a seat on his strong thighs, even though the stool he was sitting on creaked at the added weight.

Then his tongue begged entrance past your lips. If this was his one chance, then damn it, he was going to make the most out of it.

You let him in with a moan. Your fingers tangled in his short hair, your nails dragging down the back of his neck and making a tendril of heat run down his spine. He squeezed your hips, down your thighs, while his lips continued to ravage yours.

It was one hell of a kiss.

But it wasn’t just lust either. At least, not for you. It was warmth, and an overwhelming feeling being right where you were always meant to be.

For Dean, it felt like a craving he wasn't meant to indulge in...but even so, having you in his arms felt as natural as he feared it would be. He didn't just want you. He wanted this. Today, and every day.

When his lips finally dragged away from yours, it took you a moment before you could even open your eyes, let alone catch your breath.

“Damn it,” you whispered.

Dean chuckled, and pulled back just far enough to graze your cheek with his curled fingers.

“Guess I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said. You smiled, but it soon fell.

“Oh God, Dean. What’re we gonna do?” you asked. Already there were tears stinging in your eyes. And still, you held him back with your arms curled around his neck. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

Dean’s relief, and a hidden swell of happiness, also dimmed. “That ship’s sailed, sweetheart."

You sniffed, wiping at your face. “Don’t joke right now, please.”

“I’m not joking,” he said. He held you a fraction tighter. His deep voice rumbled, with desire, longing, and remorse all at once. “I’m actually serious beyond fucking belief.”

You saw everything you needed to see in his eyes. It gave you the strength to be honest.

“So am I,” you nodded, sniffling again. “I’ll talk to him.”

Dean shook his head. “He’s my brother. I’ll do it.”

You stroked his cheek, feeling the rasp of stubble against your fingers.

“Together, then,” you compromised.

And with an unsettled breath, you reluctantly detangled yourself from Dean. Before this went any further, you needed to talk to Sam. It was easily one of the hardest things you’d ever contemplated doing in your life.

Dean seemed to have similar thoughts as he let you up, then stood along with you. He dragged a hand through his hair again and heaved a sigh.

“It’s not gonna be easy,” he said. His brows drew together as he considered every alternative reaction his brother might have. None of them were pretty.

You rested a hand on his arm.

“Look, Dean. If we’re going to do this…if I need to leave the bunker, I will. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work, as long as you’re in this with me,” you said.

Both your gaze and your will were unwavering. Dean didn’t doubt that you meant every word; that you were willing to jump into the fire with him. And that was just a small fraction of what had made him fall in love with you.

He took your hand, and pressed a lingering kiss to the inside of your wrist.

“I’m with you,” he replied.

AN: So while it was painful to contemplate both of these scenarios, I hope I did them justice! 🥲

Which ending was your favorite: Sam, or Dean? 😘

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babaleshy · 3 years ago

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I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

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grishaversecommunityyy · 3 years ago

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The Grishaverse Ship Survey Results

So! After all of that, we finally have the results! What is the general opinion on the ships in the Grishaverse? Well, that’s for you to read below! It’s actually pretty interesting and, while some parts make sense, there were definitely some parts which... surprised me... Anyway, onto the results!

Everything in this post can be split into:

The Grisha Trilogy

Six Of Crows Duology

The Nikolai Series

Shadow and Bone: TV Series

Most Enjoyed Ships

Least Enjoyed Ships

Crack Ships and Shipping Discourse

Notes from the Survey

(note from mod emily: i tried to bold all of fritz’ comments, but i might have missed a few! be aware there are two of us analysing here :))

The Grisha Trilogy

The first book series we asked about was, of course, the first chronologically: the Grisha Trilogy. The most popular ship, with 83% voters for this series selecting this, was Genya/David (Fritz was glad to hear that; Yes I am). This is likely due to the lack of alternate romantic interests in the series, which seems to be a major issue for Alina’s ships. It also seems to be one genuinely enjoyed by most fans, in contrast to Darkling/Alina and Mal/Alina (each around 30%) and Nikolai/Alina (just under 20%), for which I have definitely seen plenty of debate. The second and third most popular ships for this series were Tamar/Nadia (55%) and Nikolai/Zoya (47%). Interestingly, Genya/Alina (43%) and Zoya/Alina (30%) ranked surprisingly high, especially considering how few of my friends and associates I hear talking about them. Good for them!

Honourable mentions:

Alina/Sun (no doubt inspired by that crack fic I wrote a while back) (Still havent read that out of fear)

Alina alone (a common concept among those surveyed, though most mentioned it later)

Zoya/Genya or Alina/Zoya/Genya

Six Of Crows Duology

This series was a little less divided, I would say. Predictably, Kaz/Inej came out on top with a whopping 96% of voters (:relieved:), with Wylan/Jesper next (90%) and Nina/Matthias just after (83%). None of the others really came close, despite Nina/Inej gathering 35% of the votes and Colm/Aditi at 25% (yeah, I’m not sure why that was so popular on AO3 either, but nobody really has objections so I assume that’s why it amassed so many votes). As Six of Crows is decidedly less divisive about ships and doesn’t have such controversial ships (more on that later), it seems the fandom agrees with canon pairings and the votes are... pretty unanimous.

Honourable Mentions:

Jesper/Wylan/Kuwei

Polycrows (platonic or romantic)

Kaz/Inej/Nina

Whoever didn’t read the instruction about this being for only the book series and put Jesper/Milo. I will never escape.

The Nikolai Series

This one is a little harder for me because I actually haven’t read this... so over to Fritz for analysis! But first, the stats. At 85%, the most popular ship is Genya/David, followed by Zoya/Nikolai at 77%. Tamar/Nadia and Nina/Hanne draw at 61.5% and Nina/Matthias has 56% voters onboard. There’s no real honourable mentions for this one, sadly. Hello Fritz here! Read the books and very glad to see Genya/David as the top ship as it damn well should. Although still a bit surprising since its more of a side-arc of the two and only ties in with the importance of the story at a specific chapter that I feel like I don’t need to elaborate about, if you read Rule of Wolves. (I believe the popularity of the ship also sky-rocketed due to ROW) Following of course Zoya/Nikolai, the high ranking makes sense, it is the main ship and lets be honest they deserve it <3

I think the only really surprising thing about this is the high votes for Nina/Matthias since [SPOILERS CROOKED KINGDOM] he’s dead so I feel like people should move on from that. Nina/“Hanne” having not as high a ranking as I would’ve thought, but with Matthias still being in the frame I guess we shouldn’t be surprised either.

Shadow and Bone: TV Series

This one is really interesting, with the exclusive show watchers now taking part! We have 89% voting for Kaz/Inej, 76% for David/Genya, 71% for Matthias/Nina, 67% for Ivan/Fedyor (that’s a thing???-->Yeah they had a few somewhat sweet interactions in the background-->nvm i watched it you’re right fritz) and 62% for Mal/Alina. What’s really surprising is how high Malina is compared to Darklina, with Darkling/Alina at 36%. Who knows, maybe Fritz’ analysis can shed some light on this?

Yes yes Fritz to the rescue: First of all we have to see their interactions a little different from what we already knew of them by the end of episode 8. I still think it is a surprising number, since the Darkling in the show isn’t as nasty as he was in the books BUT over all his actions are now seen on TV. We all thought the deer antlers were a necklace amirite? Well no apparently not, the darkling used the worst kind of small science to fit Alinas collarbone to the bone and out comes a gruesome sight: a reason why many people might have started thinking: Wow what a disgusting person he is. And on the Malina “ship”: Mal finally has personality!! jkjk :eyes: Mals and Alinas friendship has been portrayed way better in the show and I believe that the people noticed more chemistry between them especially by the end of season 1. So I’m still a little surprised Darklina has such a low ranking (what with him being all sweet and cuddly in the middle of the show) but it makes sense and the Malina ship as well. Their vibes are just *chefs kiss* and thats coming from someone who didnt even like any of these “ships” <3

Loving the quotation marks for the word ‘ships’, Fritz. Over to the honourable mentions!

Honourable Mentions:

Jesper and Milo (isn’t milo a goat? guys, why?)

Nadia/Marie (huh that didn’t appear anywhere else)

One person had several - Kaz/Inej/Jesper, Dubrov/Mikhael, Dubrov/Mikhael/Mal - and yeah, you can really see the show differences in these mentions right? (whose dubrov...and whose mikhael...)

16% actually voted for Inej/Alina which is wild to me because of book context (they did have chemistry in the show tho :cowboi_smirk:)

Another person with several! We have Nina/Inej, Genya/Alina, Zoya/Alina, Zoya/Genya/Alina. Very sapphic. Good for you.

Kaz/Jesper and Nina/Inej all in one

That’s a lot of honour and mentions but it’s so interesting to me and I think you should see too

Most Enjoyed Ships

The most enjoyed ship was Kaz/Inej. This had unparalleled support, being at 35%. Jesper/Wylan, which was next on the list (23.5%) and Nina/Matthias (18%) were also pretty popular. Most of the others were quite low, though interestingly Mal/Alina only had 1 vote (plus one for the show version). Overall, the SoC ships were a lot more popular in this section, which makes sense - this part is really about your favourite ship, and those were more unanimous in the last sections.

Least Enjoyed Ships

Most people said Darkling/Alina, which got 47% of the NOTP votes. A lot more people disliked Darkling/Alina than liked Kaz/Inej. Make of that what you will, but I take it as a somewhat general agreement among many of you guys. Mal/Alina was also strongly disliked at 22%, but around a half or more of these were clarified to be about the book version of the ship specifically. They really must’ve upgraded in the show! Jesper/Kuwei and any other Darkling ships were also voted by a few, but all of these pale in comparison to the anti-Darklina votes. Shoutout to the person who said Apparat/Anyone. I agree, though it’s not something I thought of before seeing this response. Also one person said they didn’t like the poly ships, which I hope meant just the ones mentioned earlier and not all poly relationships in general... Another shoutout to whoever said Kaz/Heleen, because why did I have to read that. A fun question, all in all!

Crack Ships and Shipping Discourse

I love talking about crack ships, so let’s start with that! This time, I really don’t want to have to count and list because... well, let me show you:

I think that sums up the sheer variety, to be honest. Then again, it would be rude not to mention that the most popular were Jesper/Milo, Darkling/Nikolai and Alina/Sun. (If you’re still confused about that last one, I take full responsibility.)

YES KAZ/KRUGE I SUPPORT!!!

Honourable mention to this:

which was a lot to take in, and:

Now for the discourse. Yep, the part you probably came for.

Actually... maybe you didn’t? Looking at all of these responses, I see a lot of people genuinely don’t care about ship wars and so on, and often enjoyed the books regardless of the romances involved. Quite a few disapproved of the ongoing (though small) wars between Darklina and Malina, and others had a similar line of thinking, saying we should maybe stop focusing so much on it. You guys are right. I know this is a ship survey, and the conclusions should not include that shipping isn’t as important as we make it (Yes it should), but... that’s where it’s at.

And then again, a lot of you guys expressed disapproval for Darkling/Alina, discussing how it is often one-sided and manipulative and overall unhealthy, so I could be completely off with that last one. Some people mentioned that they ship this but as a slightly different version that the one given to us, recognising the flaws of the canon ship.

Someone said they headcanon Tolya as aroace (OMG YES!!). We need more aroace characters, so thank you for that headcanon :) We also have a few gay ships mentioned here, and one person telling us they love Malina. Yes, you’re right - it’s pretty unpopular, it turns out. Someone else said Alina should’ve been single, and I agree, actually!

One person rickrolled me here. Thankfully, Youtube’s ads saved me. *wipes forehead*

I leave you all with this, in the end:

Notes from the Survey

Statistics Stuff:

The top ships were taken from AO3, so some ships may be more focused on in other books and may not provide accurate statistics for an earlier series.

The main circles this was sent around may have had bias as most people are from the same discord server, which has debated these topics in the past. Hence certain ships may have lower-than-average results. In future, this could be improved upon by sending this to other servers and areas of the fandom.

Personal bias may be present in the analysis, though I have tried to minimise this in the more formal sections.

Observations and Notes from Me:

You guys really don’t like Darklina. Or you love it. Usually one or the other. Wow.

Be glad I didn’t talk about any of the cursed ships in this. The things I have seen... (:cowboi_eyes:)

I thought more people would rickroll me, ngl.

What Surprised You Guys:

Kaz/Inej/Jesper

A few of you guys saw some of those cursed ships, and that surprised you. Well, me too!

Nikolai ships being in the TV Show section at all, what with his character not being in the show (yeah what was up with that huh tztz)

Inej/Alina

The existence of The Severed Moon

Darkling/Nikolai(/Alina)

How fun the quiz was :D

Things You Sent Me:

Bee Movie copypasta

“Nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition!”, except via an AO3 link

A fun fact about enzymes! I liked this one

Fic recs for Feriku and Sarai (esp for Wylan/Jesper shippers)

Another rickroll

Nice compliments :) aww you guys

I asked everyone for some kind of placeholder name and never used it. Sorry! But hey, anonymity, right?

Closing Statements

If you got this far (I feel like ive been sitting here for hours), thanks for reading! This was fun to do and I hope you enjoyed all of this too! The survey is still open for anyone who hasn’t done it but wants to. If I get a huge amount of new responses, I might update this post! But for now, adios!

-mod emily (and mod fritz)

#grishaverse #fandom #shipping #shadow and bone #six of crows #nikolai series #king of scars #the grisha trilogy

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phoenix-downer · 4 years ago

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Love Letter

2280 words. Contains spoilers for Melody of Memory. SoKai. Romance, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Mutual Pining, Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day Fluff. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Successor of sorts to this story I wrote for Christmas.

The weeks flew by as Kairi’s training continued. Though it was halfway through February now, it was still very cold outside. Snow blanketed the ground, and Valentine’s Day was going to be chilly. Back home, Kairi would’ve made chocolates for her friends and family, so she took it upon herself to make some for Terra, Aqua, and Ven.

Chirithy, unfortunately, got no chocolates, as Kairi figured it wasn’t good for cats of any kind to be eating chocolate. But she made some nice treats for the little cat spirit to substitute.

There was one more person Kairi wanted to make chocolates for. But would it make any sense? He couldn’t eat them, not where he was now…

Maybe it was pointless.

“No, it’s not pointless,” she muttered to herself. “The heart behind them is what counts.” She made those chocolates look as nice as possible and put heart and effort into every single one of them. Added little messages and hearts to them too.

“Those for Sora?” Ven asked when he bopped into the kitchen to grab a snack.

“How’d you guess?” she asked as she put the finishing touches on the last one. She was glad Ven didn’t question the logistics of how Sora would be eating these chocolates or judging her for making chocolates for her sort-of-dead boyfriend in the first place.

“He’ll love them,” Ven said. “They look awesome.”

“Thanks.”

Kairi was quite pleased with the result. She’d been making chocolates for years, and she’d gotten pretty good at it.

Ven took a bite out of the sandwich in his hand. “You know what else you should do? Write him a letter.”

“Oh, I’ve written him lots of letters.”

“No, I mean… A love letter.”

Kairi flushed. “You really think so?”

“Trust me, he’ll love it. I was in his heart for years, remember? I got to hear aaaaaall about how much he wished you would do this and that for him.”

“O-Oh.” Kairi tried to avoid thinking about the full implications of that statement. “And love letters were high on the list?”

“Yep, especially after you wrote him that letter that brought him out of the Realm of Darkness. ‘Man Kairi is amazing, I really wish she’d write me more letters,’ Ven said in a pretty accurate imitation of Sora’s voice. “So yeah. He wants more letters from you.”

She sighed sadly. “I should’ve sent him the ones I was writing to him during my training with Merlin. I kept them to myself instead, and I—”

“It’s okay. I’m sure he understands, and he’ll be happy to get a letter from you now.”

Terra, Aqua, and Ven all knew about how she could contact Sora. And she was the only one who could do it, which led them to believe the legend of the paopu fruit was more than just a legend. Something had changed about reality that fateful day, like sharing the fruit had bound her and Sora together in more than just a metaphorical sense.

She thanked Ven for the suggestion and neatly packaged the chocolates in a little heart-shaped box. With that, she retreated to her room and closed the door. A quick spell ensured a nice fire was going in the fireplace in the corner, and she sat at the creaky desk and pulled out her stationary.

“A love letter, huh? What exactly should I say?”

Sora, she began. “Ummm… What do I say next?” She got all flustered thinking about what to say.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Roses are red, violets are blue,

“No, that’s so cliché!” She groaned and crumpled the letter up. “Here, let’s try this again.”

Sora,

I wish I’d sent you those letters I wrote to you during my training with Merlin. I regret that I didn’t do that, so I’m writing you this letter now.

A blush crept up her face as she thought about what to say. She didn’t want to sound sappy and corny, and in her earlier letters she was only able to be as open as she was because she didn’t send the letters to Sora.

I like you, a lot. I think that’s pretty obvious. But I’ve never sat down and explained why, and you deserve to hear it.

Ever since I first met you, I’ve been drawn to your smile. I always feel better when you smile. It doesn’t even have to be at me, you know? Just seeing your smile warms my heart.

And I can’t mention your smile without mentioning your big heart. You’re so kind and caring, and if it weren’t for you, our friends wouldn’t be safe and whole. I wouldn’t be safe and whole.

She stopped writing. Thinking about his sacrifice still made her emotional.

Sora, thank you.

You’re welcome.

She gasped and dropped the pen. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it still took her by surprise. Sora possessing her body at random intervals because he wanted to talk to her, reassure her, protect her.

When she’d collected herself, she brought the pen back to the paper.

Hey, she wrote.

Hey, was the response scrawled on the paper when she let him take over. I know it’s not the same as me being here, but I wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day.

I made you chocolates.

Really? Awesome! Can’t wait to eat them.

I hope you like them!

I’m sure I will. Chocolates from Kairi? Dream come true.

She knew her face must be turning bright red. The room felt warmer in a way that had nothing to do with the fire.

I’ve made you chocolates before, remember?

Nah, those were giri chocolates. You made those for everybody. These are different.

Who says the chocolates I made you before were giri chocolates?

Oh, they weren’t?

Uh-uh. You just thought they were :P

Well, you gave them to everyone…

But yours were always specially decorated, didn’t you notice?

There was a long pause. Kairi was beginning to think that she’d lost the connection to Sora when at last he moved her hand again.

I did. I just didn’t dare hope you felt differently about me. I wanted you to, but I was too scared to ask.

We both were. Too shy, I mean.

We’re not now, are we? I mean, we shared the paopu fruit. We’re finally on the same page about how we feel.

She sighed and rested her hand on her cheek. Were they though? Sora’s actions proved how he felt, but Kairi couldn’t help but wonder if her feelings were enough. She also wondered if Sora’s feelings were a general “would’ve done this for anyone” or “would’ve done this only for you.”

Something’s on your mind. What’s up?

It’s silly. It’s not something I should be worrying about.

Your feelings are never silly to me, I promise.

I shouldn’t be insecure about this.

About what? The paopu fruit? Kairi, I wanted to share it with you, trust me. I only hesitated because I knew how serious a commitment it would be, and I wanted to make sure I was ready.

No, it’s not that, it’s more… I don’t feel like I’ve proven how much you mean to me. Not the same way you have.

Do you have to?

She sighed. He had a point there. No, it’s something I’ve put on myself.

Why?

I don’t know how else to show you how I feel.

There are plenty of ways to do that. The chocolates, this letter… Trust me, I don’t want you dying on me, even if it is to save me.

She bit her lip. She felt the same way, only it didn’t feel right to tell him she’d prefer him alive and whole. That would be a slap in the face after his sacrifice.

Besides, you’ve already shown me, he continued. You brought me back from being a Heartless. You freed me from the Realm of Darkness. You kept me alive when I should’ve died at the Keyblade Graveyard.

If only I’d been strong enough to keep you from disappearing.

There it was, all her grief and regret and self-loathing summed up in one single sentence. It blurred in front of her, and thick tears fell on the page. She just sat there and let the tears flow until she felt another tugging at her hand. Both her hands. Her right hand went to the paper, and her left hand gently wiped the tears away.

I won’t tell you not to cry. You have every reason to cry, Kairi. I just wish I was there to comfort you.

You are comforting me.

It’s not the same as holding you in my arms.

Then you’ll just have to make up for it the next time we see each other.

I can do that, and I’ll do you one better. When we see each other again, I swear, you’ll be crying tears of joy.

I’ll hold you to that, Sora.

Her hand trembled a little, and she realized she wasn’t the one who was shaking. Sora was nervous? Why?

Kairi, he finally wrote, and the letters were sloppier than normal, I know I show how I feel through my actions more than my words, and when I do say stuff, I tend to beat around the bush. I don’t wanna do that anymore. You deserve to know what I’m about to tell you.

Her heart beat quickly, and she took back control.

Tell me in person, then. I want to find out what you have to say when we see each other again. I want to hear the words from your mouth, from your heart, spoken with your voice.

Whatever he had to say, it would be better if she could see his face, hear his voice, hold his hand. A letter was nice but it wouldn’t be the same.

Okay, but I don’t know when I’ll be back. What if I can’t get out of here on my own?

Riku’s searching for you, and I’m training hard. One of us will figure something out.

I don’t wanna wait, came the words so quickly Kairi could barely make them out. I want you to know. I can’t keep my feelings locked up anymore. Can’t keep them hidden or buried. They’re pounding inside my heart, tearing me open day by day, and it’s killing me. I can’t take this separation anymore.

Then I’ll come for you. I’ll rescue you, and you can tell me then. I promise.

That seemed to calm him down a little, but Kairi sensed he still needed comfort and reassurance. Time to do what she could. She turned her left hand over, palm facing up, and rested the pen on her skin.

“Sora, hold out your palm too,” she said softly. Maybe this would work, maybe this wouldn’t. At the very least he’d be able to see it on her body, right?

“I want you to wait to tell me how you feel about me because I want to hear your voice when you do,” she said. “But I never said I couldn’t tell you how I feel about you. You need this to keep you going. To give you the strength to face each day until I find you.”

Slowly, carefully, she wrote on her skin. When she reached the final word, her hands shook as the full meaning of her message sank in for Sora.

“There,” she said softly. “Whenever you’re feeling down, all you’ll have to do is look at the palm of your hand and remember how much you mean to me.”

In that moment, Sora fully took control of her body. A wave of emotions washed over her that weren’t her own, and he brought her hand to her mouth and kissed it, the closest he could get to kissing her hand himself. She smiled, amazed that her message was enough to get him to react like this. She felt his heartbeat in her own, beating out a staccato as it raced and pounded and struggled to be contained.

When he brought her hand to the paper again, it was to write one last simple message.

Kairi, thank you.

You’re welcome.

Till next time.

With that, he was gone. For now, anyway. He’d visit her again, Kairi knew he would. And she would bring him home herself, just like she’d promised.

She set the chocolates on her bedside table. Time for dinner.

Ven grinned when she strolled into the kitchen. “Look at that big smile. I’m guessing you took my advice?”

“Maybe,” she coyly said.

Ven peered at her hand. “A-ha, what’s that you have written there? A love note?”

She quickly hid her hand. “None of your business.” But her lips were twitching and she knew Ven had probably seen at least part of the message.

Oh well. It didn’t really matter, because the words had their full depth of meaning to her and Sora alone. That was the beauty of her feelings for him. She could express them in a way that only he would truly understand, and it made the message as beautiful as the meaning behind it.

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In a world without Kairi and a reality far from hers, Sora unfolded his hand. Written on his palm was a simple message, simple but heartfelt. It had worked. It had really worked. Kairi’s words were with him, had stayed with him despite the odds, and they made all his fears and doubts melt away.

He rested his hand over his heart and closed his eyes, a soft smile on his face. His voice was hoarse, but at last he could use it.

“Kairi, thank you.”

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A/N: This fic is dedicated to the lovely @angel-with-a-pipette for all her input, feedback, and suggestions! Thank you again for the help!

And a Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! Thank you for reading!

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foxilayde · 1 year ago

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Scout!! Omgksdfjdkg I looooove how much you love OTTR Leto and I was absolutely melting at this soft domestic, sweet holiday snugglefest!!!

Full review below the cut

You’re so right, Thanksgiving is very unsexy, but Leto can make anything hot and mouthwatering tbh!

I love that Leto is cooking shirtless and the way he grabs readers hand with the “what’d I say?” Aksjdfksdj!! Hes soooo daddy 😫 like “you’ll spoil your appetite” unfghfdfhh

ALL THE MENTIONS OF THE RINGS YES OMGGG

“As if it wasn’t swinging in your face hours ago” ONG ASKDJFASD

The sensory descriptions of his cashmere sweaters embedded with his cologne!!! (I hc this as Versace Dylan Blue or Versace Eros) uuuughghgh i can just smellll it! And the crispness of the closet with the carpeted floors on your bare feet and the clack of wooden hangers as you pick your fave of his to wear I’M YEARNING I WANNA WEAR HIS SWEATER

“Ring adorned hands on bare knees” Scout im in pain actually bc I NEED THIS

“The apron around his waist” PLEASE HE’S PERFECT

HE’S S O DOMESTIC!!

EEEP he wanted to wear the sweater!!!

He wants to bring all the food to the table himselffff please i love himmm and how he treats his lady like a queen

When he kisses reader’s hand at the table!!

“Even that feels oddly domestic, getting thoroughly fucked and used in the bed you make every morning” < I just loveee that line!

He’s eating left handed just so he can hold your hand while eating?! He’s a big fucking softie-ass pookie bear anD I LOVE HIM

His HANDS “Capable of stroking your hair and breaking a man’s nose” <THATS HIM IN A FEW WORDS, YEP

“Leto has settled one of his ring adorned hands on your shoulder and is gently moving his fingers back and forth, drawing small circles and driving you insane” SCOUT I AM GOING INSANE TBH i wanna be shoulder-stroked with Leto’s lazy ring-adorned hands PLSSS. That whole paragraph is so accurate and so sweet actually and sums the devotion for him allllll up!!

All the cuddling descriptions IM MELTINGGG

Bro i want him to carry me upstairs and tuck me in and put on my pajamas and wipe my makeup off before going outside for a smoke WTFFF

IM SCREAMING AT THIS POINT he carries reader to eat pumpkin pie and she swipes whipped cream on his nose!!! They’re so precious!!

Scout this was so beautifully done and thinking back i also loved that line about him turning on the light after the movie, “turning your house into just another one of a hundred from an overhead view” ITS ALL SO COZY AND LOVELY AND IM GOING TO BE DAYDREAMING ALL THANKSGIVING ABOUT THIS NOWWW 💚

Tysm for writing and sharing 💚

might as well be drunk in love

Pairing: OTTR!Leto x fem!reader

Warnings: mentions of doing coke, vaguely sexual but no smut

Word Count: 3.9k

Author’s Note: happy thanksgiving! I think it’s a jank holiday but I’m thankful for all y’all and especially @foxilayde who I love and who lets me come barging into the wonderful world she made (go read Off To The Races if you haven’t already)

Thanksgiving is the un-sexiest of all holidays. Halloween has so many opportunities for sex amid all the blood and gore, Christmas and New Years have their own brand of swanky sex appeal, and Valentine’s Day is a no brainer. There’s just something about turkeys and thick sweaters and conversations with family members you’d rather not be having that ruin any and all opportunities to be a little slutty.

It’s been your goal, your one true desire in life, to make Thanksgiving sexy, and you think you’ve finally accomplished that as you dangle your legs from the kitchen counter, skin warmed from the sun and a roll dangling from your fingers, taken from the plate Leto had just asked you not to touch. You shift a little, legs swinging as you try and unstick your bare skin from the countertop as your sweat begins to dry.

As much as you love fall and the weather that comes with it, there’s something magical about being able to wear a bikini and lay out in the sun hours before Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, you always plead with Leto to turn up the air conditioning so you can wear all your sweaters and cozy clothes, but you like having the option of enjoying the Southern California sun or bundling up and pretending like it’s chilly outside.

Leto comes back into view, and you quickly swallow the rest of your roll, as if he won’t be able to tell what you’ve done. Still, you give him your sweetest smile and are rewarded with a kiss before he continues back to the stove, putting in all the work of cooking your Thanksgiving dinner while you’d been lounging in the sun. He loves to cook, though, and as much as you’d love to help, you’re sure everything will go much smoother if you steer clear of the stove. You’ll happily taste test anything he needs, and you sneak another roll from the dish as you hop off the counter.

“I’m going to change,” you announce, squishing the bread in your hand as you press a kiss to the back of his bare shoulder, but Leto’s quick, turning around and capturing you with his strong arms wrapped around your waist.

“What’d I say?” He asks, opening your palm to reveal the squashed piece of bread. You just smile, knowing you can get away with anything if he’s in a good mood and you flash that smile at him, popping the bread into his mouth for good measure.

“We could never eat all that anyway,” you counter as his hands drift lower, to the ties on the sides of your bottoms, and your eyes drift over to the full pile of rolls, just for the two of you.

“Go get dressed, you’re distracting me,” he says as if he’s not caging you in with his arms, as if you can’t feel the cool metal of his rings on your bare skin, as if his arms aren’t all out on display because he claimed the kitchen was too hot for a sweater, as if he isn’t growing out his beard for the colder months.

Really, if anyone’s a distraction, it’s him. It’s always him, and that infallible confidence he radiates in any situation, and that stupid chain he wears every day as if it wasn’t swinging in your face mere hours ago. It’s worse when he’s shirtless, or when he’s in one of his many ribbed tanks like he is now, because then all you can do is sit and stare at him, your brain shut off completely until he finishes getting dressed.

Still, you head back towards your bedroom to get dressed, and not because Leto told you to but because he cranks the AC, just as you’d asked him to, and you’re starting to feel like a human popsicle with so much exposed skin. Ignoring your own side of the large walk-in closet, you turn immediately towards Leto’s collection of warm cashmere, searching through the sweaters for your very favorite and immediately lifting it to your nose, inhaling the scent of his cologne that seems to cling to everything he wears, even after it’s been washed.

Slipping off your bikini top and tugging the sweater over your head, you stand bare legged, facing your side of the closet now and trying to figure out what to wear. Despite the fall ambience inside of your house, it’s still rather warm outside, even as your skin has now lost the heat it gathered from the sun, and you’re not sure how you’re supposed to dress. Today’s supposed to be casual, but nothing ever is with Leto and his designer furniture and four course meals, and you know he’d be happy with you in sweats or nothing at all, but you want to look nice for him.

Settling on a skirt with enough give so you can enjoy your dinner without worrying about bloating, you slip on a nicer pair of panties underneath your skirt, loving the instant surge of confidence you get. Padding back downstairs, you head to the kitchen to be near Leto, and to have him feed you off the spoon as he cooks. You hop back onto your spot on the counter, bare legs swinging, and admire the sight of your man at work, with the sounds of the Macy’s Parade filtering in from the living room.

“We should watch a Christmas movie later,” you say, more to alert him of your presence than anything, because you know he gets so focused when he’s in the kitchen it’s like nothing else exists, and the last thing you want is for him to startle when he sees you and drop a knife on his foot so then you have a spend Thanksgiving in the emergency room.

“Hm,” he hums, acknowledging your presence and your statement and waiting for you to say more as he stirs one of the many pots on the stove.

“Because, you know, there're really no Thanksgiving movies, and really who would want to watch one anyway,” you give a little shudder for dramatic effect even though Leto’s back is turned to you.

“Whatever you want,” he says, turning towards you and settling his ring adorned hands on your bare knees, “as long as you stop trying to steal all the bread before dinner.” You grin, knowing he’d let you pick the movie no matter what you did, and you lean forward to kiss him, his sturdy grip moving to your waist to keep you from falling forward off the counter.

It was meant to be a little kiss, really, just a quick I love you before you let him get back to cooking, but then his hands squeeze at your waist and your own hands move to his hair, to the longer curls now that he’s decided to grow them out of winter, and you can’t help the way you pull and tug and bring him closer, needing him more than oxygen and so focused on him that you forget your desire not to plummet off the countertop. You know he’d never let you fall, not even as he groans and pulls away, even as you chase after him.

“I’m gonna burn the fucking house down,” he says, giving your waist one last squeeze before he turns back to the stove and you try not to lose your mind. The afternoon passes in the same fashion, with Leto cooking and bringing over something for you to taste every few minutes while you try your best to distract him, if only to delight in the way he pulls away with a look that says he’d rather do the opposite.

“Go set the table,” he tells you, using his thumb to wipe away a bit of pasta sauce that was stuck to the corner of your mouth and the only reason you didn’t stick your tongue out to lick it away was because he was already heading back to the stove, turning off burners and opening up the oven, giving you no choice but to hop down off the counter and head for the silverware.

“Are you gonna change?” You ask, pausing in your digging for your favorite napkins to let your eyes rove up and down his body, not caring at all if he stays exactly how he is. His pants hug him perfectly, as they always do, and the white tank he’s wearing shows off his perfectly sculpted arms in a way that makes you want to drool. Even the apron wrapped around his waist makes you a little crazy, even though you’d never admit it makes you a tad bit sad when he takes it off.

Pressing a kiss to the side of your head, he goes off to get dressed, and you’re not sure if he’s realized or not that you’re already wearing his favorite sweater. You finish setting the table, just two places side by side at the large dining table, and you set about lighting all the candles you’d set up earlier, turning the empty atmosphere into something more cozy, more intimate.

Hearing him come down the stairs, you put away the lighter and search for the wine, the bottle you’d bought specifically for today even though typically neither of you are wine drinkers, it had just seemed like the right thing to do. If this was two years ago, last year even, he would have taken a bump while getting dressed and come downstairs with blown pupils and fucked you against the table after dinner, or during dinner.

It wasn’t that you had a holier-than-thou attitude or anything like that, or even that you wouldn’t have accepted his offer for your own bump from the vial he always keeps tucked away safely in his pocket, just in case, but sometimes you just wanted to have a nice evening, wanted to pretend that you were one of the regular, boring women who lived on your street and pretend not to notice their husbands habit as long as their platinum cards still work.

Tonight, though, Leto comes downstairs and presses himself against you, caging you against the counter as you struggle with opening the wine.

“The table looks nice,” he whispers against the skin of your neck, placing a delicate kiss there as he takes the bottle from your hands and opens it with ease. He steps away, even though you wish he wouldn’t, and finds the nice wine glasses you barely ever use.

“You know, I was looking for that sweater,” he says with a teasing tilt to his voice as he pours, taking both glasses and leading you to the table.

“I didn’t know you wanted to wear it,” you grin, knowing you both know that’s a lie, but you had gotten dressed first and figured it was fair game. He’s offered to buy you your own a few weeks back, but it wouldn’t be the same, wouldn’t smell like him and feel like he’s always wrapped around you, so you steal it and he pretends that it irritates him even though you know deep down he loves how much you love him, enough to take his expensive sweaters just to lounge around in.

The TV’s still playing whatever follows the parade, neither of you caring enough to walk over to the living room to turn it off. It adds ambience, you suppose, creates the illusion that there are more than two people here, the voices from the screen filling the space now that the stove and oven have been turned off. You can barely hear it from the dining room, but you really don’t mind it, and it’s always practically impossible for you to focus on anything other than Leto anyway.

After setting down both of the wine glasses and urging you into your seat, Leto had turned right back into the kitchen to start bringing the food to the table. He did it by himself, two or three dishes at a time, while ignoring any and all offers of your help, simply pressing a kiss wherever he could reach any time he walked past. You sip at your wine, moving around plates and bowls to make more room on the large table, unable to do what you’re told even when it’s to relax.

By the time Leto finally sits down, bringing with him the bread you’ve been stealing all morning, most of your absurdly large dining room table is full of food, an unbelievable amount of dishes for two people. There are favorites from your childhood and his, Leto having spent the weeks leading up to today practicing in the kitchen because he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make everything absolutely perfect. You know he could hire someone, hire a hundred someones just to make your dinner and not even bat an eye or make a dent in his money, but he likes being in the kitchen, likes being able to provide for you in every way he possibly can.

“Everything looks perfect,” you state the obvious when you see his sharp eyes scanning the table as if something’s missing, and you squeeze his hand where it rests next to yours. He smiles at you, flips his hand to grab hold of yours and bring it up for a kiss, gentle but setting fire to your whole body. It makes your heart twinge in a curious sort of way, like it can’t possibly process the tenderness of the action despite it not being all that out of the ordinary.

This isn’t your first Thanksgiving you’ve spent with Leto, but this is the first one with mountains of food and stolen sweaters and a hand on your knee that isn’t prodding for more. If this was a year ago, you would’ve been naked by now, fucked against the counter, eaten your dinner standing up before spending the foreseeable future in bed. There are fairly high odds that you’ll end up fucking on the couch instead of watching the first Christmas movie of the season or that the night’ll end with you fisting the expensive sheets you’d picked out last month, but even that feels oddly domestic, getting thoroughly fucked and used in the bed you make every morning.

“Hey,” Leto pulls you out of your self-reflection, his voice all soft and velvety in the way only you get to hear, in the way that still makes your heart melt a little, “eat your dinner.” You hadn’t even noticed that the hand that wasn’t still intertwined with yours had begun to scoop food onto his plate, that you were falling behind and sitting still, despite your many dramatic complaints of being starving for the past few hours.

Now, though, you pile your plate with all of your favorites, the serving dishes placed conveniently close to you, and the moan that escapes you with your first bite of dinner is downright pornograpic, and it’s a little shocking just how often Leto can pull those noises from you, in so many starkly different situations. He doesn’t comment though, just squeezes your hand and continues to eat, making no comments on the struggle of eating with his non-dominant hand.

The conversation veers towards light, frilly nonsense, all your decoration plans for the holidays and teasing remarks of the gifts you’d like, as if Leto wouldn’t buy you anything you wanted any day of the week. It’s pleasant, to pretend that nothing exists beyond the warm glow of your table, beyond the warmth of his hand in yours and the food in your belly, even though you know that come tomorrow, you’ll be left alone and in the dark about Leto’s dealings. Even though that’s the way you both prefer your lives to be, it’s nice to not need to worry about what he’s up to, even just for a day.

Once you’ve both finished eating, you start clearing the table before Leto can tell you to stop, because as much as you love being taken care of, you hate feeling useless, and you know that both of you cleaning together will make the chore go faster so the rest of your evening spent on the couch can begin. He tries to tell you to sit down, pushing a wine glass into your hand, but you simply place it on the counter and continue to put away all of the leftovers while wondering out loud just how long it’ll take the two of you to finish them.

Leto takes care of the dishes and doesn’t even bother to remove his rings, and it’s like he’s taunting you with the way they shimmer in the late afternoon sunlight. His hands are strong, thick fingers that should be rougher than they actually are, connected to hands that are duly capable of stroking your hair and breaking a man’s nose. You try not to drool as he dries them, as he picks up his own wine glass that looks positively flimsy in his grip. His other hand finds the small of your back, the heat of it apparent even through your sweater, and leads you out of the kitchen and into the luxuriously decorated living room.

It still looks a little modern and harsh and sharp, but the couch is beyond comfortable and you have big plans for the holiday season, plans that you know Leto will support no matter how many times he sighs dramatically when you cart your bags of expensive decor through the door. You’ll make it feel cozy and festive, and even though he’ll never say it, you can always tell that Leto appreciates your willingness to decorate for the seasons, to make his absurdly large house feel more like a home.

You can’t focus on that now, though, or anything really, because Leto has settled one of his ring adorned hands on your shoulder and is gently moving his fingers back and forth, drawing small circles and driving you insane. Even just the sight of him, of his hand or his beautiful nose or his strong jaw currently hidden beneath his beard, can send you crazy, make you unable to think of anything except for him and you’ve yet to determine if he does it on purpose or not.

Based on his full attention on the large TV screen, you’d say he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing to you. Sometimes it’s clear that he knows exactly the kind of power he holds over you, like when he catches you staring open-mouthed as he comes out of the closet in a new suit or when he joins you outside in one of his many linen shirts with the buttons undone. He knows exactly what he does to you, but now, you think he might just like having a hand on you, feeling you breathing beside him even as your heart ticks up and you try to focus back on the movie Leto had picked out just for you, the movie he complains about every single year but knows how much you love it.

Trying to get comfortable in your skirt that definitely isn’t built for relaxing evenings on the couch, you scooch even closer to him, pressing your side right up against his and feeling his chest fill and deflate with every breath. He’s handsy tonight, in an unusually but not at all uncomfortable unsexual way, like he just wants to know that you’re there. You can always tell when he’s teasing you, when he works you up until you’re spun so thin you can’t do anything but whine and whither around, but he’s not doing that now.

His hand falls from your shoulders and snakes its way under your sweater, resting on your warm stomach, the cool metal of his rings enough to make you shiver. You know he notices by the way he exhales through his nose with a little more force, a not-quite-chuckle that makes you a little crazy. Everything about him makes you a little crazy, sometimes in more ways than one. Now, though, he’s not trying to do that, he’s just resting his hand on your soft skin and feeling the way you inhale and exhale, feeling the little hitches in your breath when he uses his blunt nails to trail up and down near the waistband of your skirt. It’s all subconscious, though, so you try to focus back on the movie and not on all the little things Leto does that makes you want to forget everything else and straddle him.

Using all the restraint you have, you let yourself relax and enjoy the rest of the movie, shocked by the darkness that comes with the black screen as the film ends. Twisting around to glance out the large window, it looks as if it could be the middle of the night, even though you know it’s only late afternoon, with the yellow lights from the windows of other houses on the hill acting like stars or warning lights for airplanes flying too low. Even though you know it’s earlier than you’d typically eat dinner, you feel ready for bed, feel as though just closing your eyes would make you sleep for the next twelve hours.

You know that if you did fall asleep, Leto would carry you upstairs and change you into your disgustingly expensive pajamas and take off your makeup with as much care as he can muster before going out to have one last smoke on the balcony, making sure you’re fast asleep and comfortable before he quietly goes through his own extensive night routine. You don’t fall asleep though, instead stretching out your shoulders as Leto stands to bathe the room in a golden light, turning your house into just another one of a hundred from an overhead view.

“Ready for dessert?” You ask, even though you’re still a little full and choosing to ignore the glint in his eye because you’d been so well behaved the entire day, you won’t be folding now at the slightest hint from him. Maybe you fold a little, though, when you let him hoist you from the couch and carry you into the kitchen with your legs right around his waist, in a position that’s all too familiar for you. Still, he sets you gently on the countertop you’d perched yourself on earlier before turning towards the fridge and sifting through your mountain of leftovers to find the pie you’d been so excited about.

Even though your cooking skills are questionable, you’re able to follow instructions and following a recipe for a pumpkin pie was no different. It’s easier when you have every exact step laid out for you with specific measurements and baking times instead of the follow your heart bullshit that comes with cooking. You’d felt like a little housewife, wearing an apron and baking a pie, even though the apron was Leto’s and you struggled your way through a majority of the baking process, you’re still proud of the way it turned out.

Forgoing plates and knives, Leto sets the pie on the counter next to you and hands you a fork, and you waste no time before scooping up a bite of filling. This, mutilating a pumpkin pie seated on the counter with one of Leto’s warm hands on your knee, feels more intimate than the candlelit dinner you’d shared earlier. It’s easier, being with him like this when there are no expectations, no little voice in your head telling you how you should be standing or talking or laughing.

It feels normal in a way you’re not entirely used to, in a way that used to scare you, but now you embrace it wholeheartedly. You don’t worry about anything as you lean yourself forward to kiss him, except for his reaction when he realizes you’ve swiped whipped cream along that nose you love so much.

#fic rec #ottr Leto

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osakaso5 · 4 years ago

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Halloween Event Story

~Fluffy Blast Racing~ Chapter 4: A Transformation

Chapter Index

Minami: ...I see. So they followed you here without your knowledge.

Haruka: Aren't these the things you were just talking about, Minami..!?

Torao: What do you mean?

Haruka: Minami said you and Toma would find something today.

Toma: Seriously..? I didn't know his fortunes had gotten that accurate...

Minami: Hee hee, though there was no way I could've predicted how cute they'd be.

Haruka: I've never seen these things before. What are they?

Minami: ...They may well be the extraterrestrial lifeforms Nagi told me about...

Toma: Extraterrestrial...? So, aliens?

Minami: I don't know for certain, but my heat sensor reacts to them, meaning they should be similar to certain types of animals...

Torao: Hey. Where did you guys come from?

???: Tora... torara...

Torao: Ah, I forgot you can't speak our language.

Toma: ...Hey, Minami! Can't you make some kinda translator thingy for us?

Toma: It feels like these furballs could really use our help with something.

Haruka: ...Ah..! Minami, the mat..!

Minami: Right. We should give that a try.

Toma: You already have something!?

Minami: Just a prototype I based on a translator Momo made, but it might do the trick...

Haruka: It's called Peep Mat, and it's supposed to tell you how inanimate objects feel...

Torao: Hmm... so it's for peeping into their thoughts.

Toma: P-peeping..? That sounds kinda weird, what were you planning to use it for..?

Haruka: Oh yeah, it was super weird.

Minami: Was it, now? Thanks to the mat, you got to know how much Spanny...

Haruka: Aaaaah!

Toma: "Spanny"..?

Haruka: S-Spanny's just the name of a dog that lives in my neighborhood. Don't worry about it.

Torao: ...In any case, let's test out that mat.

Toma: Do we just put these guys on the mat..?

Minami: Yes. Then, you push this switch...

Torao: Alright, get over here.

???: Tora... torara...

Haruka: ...Doesn't that one kinda look like you, Torao?

Torao: Press the switch, Minami.

Minami: Haha, how exciting.

Click

???: .........

???: Toma... ma...

???: Haa... ha... ple...

???: Mi... lp.. us...

???: Please help us!

All: ........!?

All: Help you..?

- - - -

Minami: I see... So you did come from another planet, like I thought.

Haruka: They're space aliens...

Beige Cotton: Yes, we cottons come from another planet.

Beige Cotton: Do you work for i7 Corporation?

Toma: Nope... We know people from there, but we're only working for the P.G. Garage, racing and fixing up cars...

Green Cotton: Fixing cars?

Brown Cotton: Racing..!?

Toma: Y-yeah. But if you've got business with the Corp, them we can call 'em...

Cottons: .........

Cottons: We have a request for you!

Toma: No need to get all shouty on us... What's up?

Red Cotton: P-pardon us! We come from a planet called Desert Colony.

Red Cotton: It was once the Mecca of car racing, where people from all over would test their skills.

Red Cotton: But then the dusts appeared, taking over our races and making a mess of our circuits...

Beige Cotton: We asked our fellow cottons on another planet for help, and they told us of Earthlings who had helped them...

Torao: And that's how you ended up here.

Cottons: Yes..!

Toma: How did they just take over like that?

Green Cotton: The dusts are violent in nature, and only seek to do bad things.

Brown Cotton: They reproduce quickly, turning streets uninhabitable for anyone but themselves...

Brown Cotton: There was nothing we could do to stop them...

Cottons: Earthlings..! Won't you please help us!?

Minami: The ones who helped your fellow cottons were the people of i7 Corporation, not us.

Beige Cotton: Perhaps so... But you race and repair vehicles for a living, do you not?

Torao: Yeah. We operate a car workshop to fund our racing.

Torao: That way, we get to make our own rides!

Brown Cotton: ...Then you are exactly who we need!

Brown Cotton: We and the dusts are also racers, but we cannot match their skill as we are now...

Brown Cotton: Won't you give us a hand?

Torao: I don't know... How are we supposed to beat those dusts, exactly?

Red Cotton: The dusts have decreed that everyone must obey the winners of the race, so that is all you would need to do.

Minami: But if you're also racers, couldn't you try beating them yourselves?

Brown Cotton: ...To tell you the truth, we do not even have a proper car to race in.

Beige Cotton: The dusts have a monopoly on everything from engines to tires, leaving us unable to build a vehicle that could race...

Minami: ...I see.

Haruka: Then what difference does it make if we go to your planet and try to race there?

Green Cotton: Though the dusts have all the good parts to themselves, there are still less than optimal parts available.

Beige Cotton: We lack the skill to build a suitable vehicle from such parts...

Haruka: ...So you want us to help?

Cottons: Yes..!

Beige Cotton: You have that Earthling's driving techniques, as well as the technical prowess to support his skill.

Beige Cotton: Both are simply incredible, I might add! I believe that you will defeat the dusts!

Minami: Oh my, I do enjoy a good compliment.

Haruka: Hehe, of course our tech's incredible! Minami planned it, and I built it.

Torao: You guys certainly have an eye for races.

Toma: ........

Minami: What's the matter, Toma?

Toma: ...Nothing.

Red Cotton: And we mustn't forget the designs! They are so very cool! Especially these lightning bolts...

Toma: I KNOW, right!?

Haruka: Whoa! Stop yelling!

Minami: Good for you, Toma.

Brown Cotton: I believe you may be even more qualified than the Earthlings we originally came here for..!

Cottons: Please, help save our home!

All: .......!

Toma: Guys, let's help 'em.

Minami: At the risk of sounding callous... We don't even have enough money for our own race, and we can't just leave our work undone...

Haruka: ...He's got a point...

Torao: As much as I'd like to help, we've got our own share of trouble to deal with...

Toma: But guys...

Red Cotton: Worry not! If you win our race, you will receive the prize money!

Red Cotton: And it's quite a sum, since the race will be held between the greatest racers from all over the galaxy!

All: .......!

Toma: In other words, if we win that race for you...

Haruka: We'll get...

Green Cotton: Yes..! And you won't need to share the prize with us, of course.

Toma: N-not even a little?

Minami: We're grateful for the offer, but are you sure?

Brown Cotton: Yes! All we want is to stop the dusts, which we'll be able to do as long as you win!

Torao: I guess that'll solve everything for the both of us, then.

Toma: Awesome! Let's do it!

Toma: Ain't this what you'd call a prize-prize situation!?

Haruka: I think you mean "win-win situation".

Toma: Haha, whatever!

Minami: Now, how do we get on your planet?

Beige Cotton: First, you'll fuse with us, forming a fluff.

All: A fluff..?

Beige Cotton: Yes. Through fusion, we should be able to transport you to our planet.

Haruka: What do you mean by fusion?

Beige Cotton: It'll be faster if we show you! Let us begin.

Torao: Sounds fun. Let's do it.

Toma: Go ahead!

Beige Cotton: Here we go!

Cottons: Fusion!

Haruka: Whoa... What!? T-they got sucked in..!

Minami: They're going inside our bodies...

Toma: ...Is it just me, or do you guys feel warm..?

Torao: Yeah, and now we're glowing, too...

Haruka: Are you sure this is safe!?

All: .......!

- - - -

All: ........

Toma: H-hey, Haruka... You need to look in a mirror, quick!

Haruka: Huh!? I could say the same to you! You're all fluffy now..!

Torao: H-hey! Don't tell me, we...

Toma: W-we...

Haruka, Toma, & Torao: We turned into fluffs!?

Minami: Hee hee. You all look adorable.

Toma: How are you so calm, Minami!?

Minami: Oh, are you not excited by our mystical transformation?

Toma: I'd rather not find excitement by leaving my body...

Haruka: Was that the fusion..? We're fluffs... Fluffs...

Torao: My body's so round now... And I've got short little arms and legs...

Toma: H-hey! Get a grip, Haruka and Torao!

Minami: What is the science behind a transformation like this, I wonder?

Beige Cotton: <We don't have the time for a detailed explanation now, but this is what you'll look like when fused with us.>

Beige Cotton: <As long as you're fluffs, you should be able to use the warp zone to get to our planet.>

Toma: W-what..!? I can hear a voice talking in my head!

Torao: Hey! Tell me we can still go back to normal! I can't take girls out for dinner looking like this!

Haruka: Are you sure girls are your biggest worry right now?

Torao: Of course, there's so many of them waiting for me.

Toma: At least worry about our race or something, man.

Torao: Just turn me back to normal, now!

Brown Cotton: <Our apologies, but the only way we can dissolve the fusion is with elements from our planet's atmosphere...>

Minami: ...In other words, we'll get back into our human forms if we go to your planet and help solve your problem.

Torao: Should've told us up front.

Brown Cotton: <Apologies, but you did not ask...>

Torao: ........

Red Cotton: <In any case, you are the only ones who can help us!>

Minami: ...I suppose all we need to do is get to their home planet.

Minami: I'm sure space travel will be fun.

Haruka: You just wanna see what it's like...

Minami: What was that, Haruka?

Haruka: Nah, forget it...

Torao: I'll just prepare for the worst...

Minami: So, how do we warp to your planet?

Green Cotton: <From the manhole behind this building!>

Haruka: A manhole? That sounds way simpler than I thought.

Torao: And now we're diving into a manhole... At least it probably won't stink...

Toma: You don't know that!

Minami: This is all so exciting.

- - - -

Red Cotton: <Over here, Earthlings!>

Toma: Alright, here goes nothing! Let's jump..!

Toma: Waaaah!

Minami: I'm right behind you...

Haruka: Yep..!

Torao: Aah, I'm falling..!

- - - -

Haruka: ...D-do you guys feel something soft in here..?

Minami: Where are we..?

Toma: Why am I upside down!?

Torao: .......! Hey, I see something!

All: Waaaaah!

To be continued...

Translator’s notes..?

all of the cottons are technically only referred to as “cotton”, but I added their corresponding colors to their names to make it easier to know who’s talking

#idolish7 #fluffy blast racing #translation #event story

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wxsuthorn · 4 years ago

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a sort of organised analysis of The Gifted characters:

pt 2: Wave

(this analysis includes episodes 1-13 of season one and 1-7 of season two, so it probably isn’t completely accurate, but i tried my best. also please excuse my shitty grammar and spelling if I noticed it i would’ve fixed it lmao)

Characteristics and qualities in the beginning of season 1

I’m writing this while listening to love score on loop lmao so if smth I write makes no sense I blame it on nanon’s high note. RAK TER DAI REBLAOW. okay so in episode one Wave just seems like that classic draco malfoy mean dude with his whole wIpE mY fReAkInG fOoT bullshit. But wait... what’s this??? an egotistical personality that comes from past trauma??? yep, lmao. But we’ll talk more about that in the next section.

Throughout the show, Wave displays his ego very clearly, but he also show’s his intelligence. I don’t think i need to explain but in case you need examples: first discovered his potential and revealed it, solved the problem from the academic competition punn was in, almost beat all of the gifted squad when he had the plan to “leak” the gifted program info (he could’ve done it if pang didn’t use his potential, which wave didn’t know the details of, unlike the rest of his classmates), did a research project in eighth grade that was plagiarized to be used as a MASTERS(?) DEGREE THESIS. Bitch is smart as fuck, on contrary to Pang, who also has an inflated ego. (I will discuss how their egos are different in the next part). His intelligence isn’t only academic, but he’s also street smart, and he knows how to provoke people (like when he came back at ohm’s joke + when he provokes punn)

Wave doesn’t really show a lot of depth in the beginning, but to sum it up: ego, smart, kinda cocky and wants to be the best, doesn’t seem to trust anyone, very straight forward/has a level of confidence, cool/mysterious so I don’t really mind him being mean cuz im interested in his back story.

okay lets move one to where wave has a backstory and development.

Characteristics and qualities from episode 9 - 12 of season 1

Wave... was mentally/emotionally groomed when he was in eighth grade and had his work plagiarized. Yeah. On top of that, he’s an orphan with grandparents/guardians who don’t provide him enough emotional support for him to develop properly as an adolescent. These traumatic experiences affected him in so many ways.

In the flashbacks, we see Wave being shy, introverted, and he lacks the confidence he has in the present. His eighth grade self lacks self confidence, since a majority of the adults in his life have told him that he was dumb/he wasn’t good enough. On top of that, he has no emotional support (adults or peers) to seek help from and was probably very lonely for a long time. Well, if Wave is in M4 (aged 15-16) in season 1, and he was in lower secondary school in the flashbacks (probably M3, aged 14-15), which means that his personality changed/developed pretty quickly. What triggered this change you ask? MS. NARA. THE BITCH AND ONLY. FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHO I HATE AND WANT TO DROP KICK.

Let’s talk about Ms. Nara, shall we? To say the least, she mentally/emotionally groomed Wave into trusting her, and even having a crush on her. She encouraged him to do work that she would eventually plagiarize for her masters degree thesis. That’s the shit she did. Fucking bitch I hate her. And Wave trusted her really easily because again, he significantly lacked emotional support, so once he received it, he was very welcoming of it. This allowed for ms. bitchass to groom him more easily. She praised his talent, spent a lot of time with him, encouraged him to do more, and brought his ego up. Her effect on Wave stuck with him, since it wasn’t really that long ago, and he could even remember little words/phrases she would say. “You talk big game, huh?” is one of the things she said to Wave, and when Namtaan said the same thing to him, you could see him thinking back to those times with ms. bitchass. lmao almost everyone in this show has trauma. Now, when Wave decided to expose ms. bitchass for buying her bachelors degree and get her fired, that shows basically where he became like the wave from season 1. He wanted to win against her. He couldn’t let her get away with what she did to him. After all, isn’t he extremely talented? Despite him disposing of ms. bitchass, he still took in her words of encouragement and praise. He still believed it all. But after she “betrayed” him, he must’ve felt that perhaps she was lying... so in turn, he had to prove that he indeed was talented by getting back at ms. bitchass.

Ah yes, Wave is indeed a cocky motherfucker. But his ego can be easily tarnished by adults. The reason why I say adults, is because I don’t think he has ever felt threatened by a gifted student, other than Pang. When Punn tried to provoke him by saying he didn’t get head student, Wave didn’t give a shit cuz he knew (thought) he was better. But when Director Supot says “Wasuthorn im disappointed in you” and shit like that, Wave listens to it and gets pissed as hell. A lot of these behaviors come from his trauma with Ms. Nara. If you look at almost any internal conflict he has, it can be traced back to his self-worth and/or trust issues that stemmed from Ms. Nara.

I don’t think I’ll need to explain this much but Wave’s need to win at everything is basically to prove to everyone (but actually just to himself) that he’s better/more talented than everyone else again because of his past trauma and how he had almost no emotional support.

Okay now I’m gonna talk about his relationship with Pang and their trust. This is the part where I’ll get the most wrong cuz episode 9 of tgg just fucking came out and im rushing cuz i wanna watch it. Again, unlike other peers, Pang reaches out to Wave as an equal, and they have an agreed ideal. Fuck the school system, it just makes kids feel bad about themselves and give them trauma. At first, I think Wave trusted Pang because of his idealistic and almost naive outlook on the world; he just seemed good, and like he genuinely wanted to do something to better people. However, in the end his ideals and beliefs to align with Pang’s exactly. No one wanted to give up their potentials for their own reasons, Wave’s being to protect his breakable ego. lmao this is getting messy im so sorry welp lets move on.

Characteristics and qualities from season 2, until episode 7

Wave trusts Pang. He says it to Time. It’s made clear in the beginning. But when Pang decides on things on his own and tries to find Korn on his own, Wave starts to see a pattern. Pang (unknowingly) only comes to Wave when he needs help with something regarding doing the right thing blah blah blah hero complex shit. and like Wave said, once he doesn’t agree with Pang, he just does everything on his own, like his view is the only correct one.

Lets take Korn for example. Or the whole “there’s an imposter among us” drama. Wave was the one with the braincell in the moment. He was the one to conclude that they could be someone within the group who betrayed them. He looked at the situation logically, while Pang was looking at it idealistically. This is what separates them and causes friction between them. Wave can separate and balance his ideals/logic/emotions, while Pang’s ideals/logic/emotion are all smushed together and combined.

Last point: his last fight with pang (episode 7) was a valid one. Wave was hurt af. and i think he started to see Pang as another Ms. Nara. The difference here is that Pang is a kid, and he’s also unstable, so they’re both affected by what he’s doing. It is possible that Punn used Pang’s potential on Wave, but it wouldn’t be out of character if the fight came up naturally.

Summary

Has an inflated, yet breakable ego

does what he can to prove that he’s talented/good enough to protect his ego from shattering

trust issues (stemming from Ms. Nara)

a smart boi

he can balance his ideals/logic/emotions most of the time

Sees Ms. Nara in everyone, compares all of his relationships to the one between him and Ms. Nara

Genuinely cares for people and is afraid to lose the emotional support he has (since he lacked so much of it in his childhood)

A smol bean that must be protected

Cocky

could probably be the villain to a superhero movie if he wanted to

#wave #wasuthorn #tgg #the gifted #the gifted graduation #tgg spoilers #charater analysis #the gifted series #chimon wachirawit #the gifted wave #sorry its messy and a little rushed lmao

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unseelie-bitch · 4 years ago

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Season 1 Episode 5: Wither Into the Truth [Part Two]

Hate that they've decided since Riven is getting a redemption arc Dane is getting the edgy "bad-boy" music

Also it's fucking ridiculous that they've decided the young, black, bisexual guy is going evil while the homophobic, misogynistic white man is actually just a sadboy who never wanted to be here and just needed someone who would listen to his feelings

"One bad thing" you PUBLICLY mocked her for being fat and liking you. YOU'RE A FUCKING DICK, DANE, DON'T PUT THIS ON TERRA

Going absolutely INSANE over the fact Aisha just used her magic spray Dane in the face

Silva would DEFINATELY sacrifice the few for the many Sky, come on

Imma say that Bloom's town created the Burned Ones and any fire fairies have a connection to them, which is why they disappeared after the Incident and why Bloom was taken out of the fairy realm and Beatrix wasn't. But now she's back and so are they, and also, let's be honest, Rosalind probs only saved her to try and control the Burned Ones

There are torches Bloom, why did you light the ground on fire

And Bloom and Sky are kissing. I just... don't care

Oop magic disc is GLOWING

LMAO SHE DRUGGED HIMMM

Oh Noura's fucking dead

Oh shit that's a LOT of Burned Ones

"I have feelings - and if I can't express them verbally, I'm not above poltergeisting" THIS IS THE STELLA WE DESERVE AND THE ONE WE COULD (AND SHOULD) HAVE HAD ALL ALONG

Okay so I hate this show but I am literally BEGGING someone to gif the "*snap* I have an opinion" moment and let me download it to use for everything because it's so important to me. Genuinely guys please can someone give me that gif idk how to make it myself and it's literally the entirity of this blog summed up in a single moment

Dowling's face when Bloom said "Asterdel" LMAO this woman did NOT need this today

PLEASE give us backstory Fara

Fara, Rosalind and Greenhouse man have THAT MUCH POWER?? Shit, man

"Why would she do that" because Rosalind is a shady👏bitch👏

"I will help you get the answers you need. I give you my word" she seemed to mean that so... Dowling's gonna die

Beatrix is NOT okay and clearly has 0 independent thought who the FUCK raised her to be like this

Why is Bloom happy to see Stella y'all haven't had a SINGLE positive interaction for the entire show

This writer has never had an actual friend in his life and I know this because THIS IS WHAT HE THINKS FRIENDSHIP IS

Yep send the kids out to defend Alfea. Good planning, lads

Once again, super unnatural dialogue. Dowling doesn't need to describe what she's doing it would have been obvious from... the sounds of the forest getting amplified

So Aisha's snitching. After they deliberately wrote the line with her saying 'no, she isn't Dowling's pet, she was in fact actively spying for Bloom because that's how much she cares about her'. Because he is literally INCAPABLE of writing the black woman as a consistant character, oh no, instead she just becomes whatever he decides he wants for that scene. And the worst part is - you had a character that would have snitched! Terra! Terra could have easily told her dad who would then tell the rest of them, all without breaking her predefined character. But no, of course Aisha should be the one to break because CLEARLY he doesn't value her character at all

Lmao you're using Dane to spring the trap?

LMAO STELLA'S USING BEATRIX YES STELLA

"See? My ideas rock" THIS is accurate Stella rep, lads

That was clearly supposed to be a callback to Terra saying she missed Stella insulting her but it just felt super weird and forced. Who the FUCK let this man write

How do you know it's that door there's a whole other tunnel??

Also I swear when Beatrix came down here it was just like... a stairwell into a room? What happened????

Cave walls straight to brick, of course

Hello Roz you sneaky motherfucker

HATE the mind talking but here we are

[One episode left. Thank GOD it's almost over]

#fate spoilers #fate watch #fate: the winx saga

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that-disabled-princess · 2 years ago

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I saw several people doing a Spotify Wrapped version and thought it looked fun, so here are my Spotify Wrapped answers!

Gender: I've Got a Dream from Tangled (a dream to possibly medically transition...)

How I feel: Time Warp from RHPS (thaaat about sums it up, I think)

Where would I go: A Whole New World from Aladdin (fuck yeah I would. I cannot wait to get out of this damn city.)

Best friend: CaliforM.I.A. from Team Starkid's Black Friday (mmm it's not my place to say, but this does fit for several reasons) (fits both of us, actually)

TV show called: Zazz from The Prom (I can kinda see it... I still feel like the TV show title should be a little longer)

Favorite time of day: We Don't Talk About Bruno from Encanto (if this means in the black of night when everything is silent... then yep)

Fear: Love Story by Taylor Swift (well, I don't fear love. I might've actually found true love... in my best friend) (I think We Don't Talk About Bruno would fit better here, I fear being insignificant and useless and nothing, worthless)

Relationship: Time Bastard from Team Starkid's Nightmare Time (I mean... there's a line in here: "got no time for love" so...)

What is life like: Dance with You from The Prom (I see it... life does have beauty everywhere)

Some of these are really good and accurate answers!

Music/artist tag game

Thanks for the tag @shrekgogurt! I needed something to do today instead of wallowing in how sick I am. And I couldn't resist adding commentary to this.

rule: choose an artist you like & use the name of their songs to answer this as close as possible!

Artist: Team Starkid (they count, right?)

What's your gender: Me and my [trans crochet] Dick

How do you feel: Wagon on Fire

If you could go anywhere, where would it be: Into the Night

Describe your best friend: Literally any one of Jeff Blim's songs. They are chaos incarnate.

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: To be a man (big lol because I'm transmasc) or Rogues are we

Favorite time of day: Into the Night (again. I can't think of another song title about the night, and I hate the sun. Land of the damned indeed.)

What do you fear: America's Great Again or Made in America (look, Jeff and Joey are GOOD, and I promise this will be the only political one)

Relationship status: Hideous creatures (both me (in a good way!) and me being aroace)

What is life like to you: Beauty Everywhere

I tag @bazzybelle @tea-brigade @nausikaaa @carryonsimoncarryonbaz and @bookish-bogwitch (I feel like you'd appreciate the Starkid) and I am forgetting who usually loves to do the music ones, so if I missed you and you want in, consider yourself tagged! 💖💖

#musician things

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bereaving · 4 years ago

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Okay well it's the complete opposite for me then. I never could watch a horror film with demons or shit like that cause I wouldn't sleep for weeks after it 😂 so I only can watch horror stuff without them and that's why I love this anthology. It's that kind of horror I can watch without being scared for real yk? I also like zombie stuff and like this psychic kind of horror.

We also don't have much advertisements on public sites here so horror is not everywhere, like it is for you. So for me I can say, I'm going from absolutely hate horror to kinda loving it 😅

Haha I can relate to that so much 😂 I'm jumpy af even when it's not really scary, just unexpected. I can't really remember all the scenes you just told, but I probably had a heart attack while watching them, too. 😂 it also depends on the moment where they put the jumpscare like when it's a calm atmosphere overall and then suddenly there's a dog barking, that can scare you in a way. Hill House definitely had much more jumpscares including a ghost, right?

See, that's different for me cause I can't watch a documentary about a serial killer or real crime stuff cause that scares me in a realistic way, so I always have to think about that this shit actually can happen to me, too. Weird, I know 😶

No don't be, I didn't mean it in a bad way or so 😅 are you currently living in Indonesia? So we would know what's the time difference between us

Cool I'm glad to hear that 😊 do you have any specific scene in mind you like to talk about? And thank you 😊

Ah, I see. Would it be accurate to say that you’re ok with spookiness in general but not... like, blatant demons, then?

I’m ok with zombies but apparently only in video games. When it comes to passive viewings like watching things unfold in a TV show or movies, I don’t think I can stomach it.

Hill House definitely has more jump scare scenes than Bly. The best way I can sum it up is that Bly is much more atmospheric, whereas Hill House is more horror in the literal sense. That iconic Hill House Jump Scare Scene had me freaking throwing my phone to the edge of the bed. Ultimately though I both hate it and (secretly) kinda love it. Again, for a novice, it was unexpected, and I’d never seen it done that way before, where the tension was rising and rising and rising (instead of the usual total silence), and then BAM. Instant iconic status.

I definitely understand what you mean about real crime documentaries. I can’t really explain why I gravitate towards stuff like that, but it’s like crack. Most times I just won’t have the ability to resist.

I am currently in Indonesia, in Jakarta, yep. And about scenes... I mean right now I don’t really have any specific ones in mind, but feel free to shoot the ones you want to discuss. While we’re on the subject of Bly and discussions and all that: 1. A shoutout to my friend Ari ( @camhowes ) and her review of Bly here, if you feel inclined to read it. And and and she is currently writing a spooky continuation of Bly. She has a way with words that... just... whether they make me laugh or they are piercing my soul, I am in awe. Every time.

2. If you want to come off anon and just have a chat from the tumblr messenger, please feel free to do so as well.

#ask #anonymous #thobm asks

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esperides · 4 years ago

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(Hope you're the right person!) Just took your 'how do you feel when you're in love?' quiz and damn it was accurate! I got analytical. And yes, yep. That sums me up far too well. I've never met a problem I haven't tried to fix.

yes i am !! hahaha i’m glad my quiz was accurate for you :) <3

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monsterkinkmeme · 6 years ago

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FAQ & Rules

Hello! Welcome to Monster Kink Meme!

This blog is a source for writing and art prompts for monsters & kinks. Pretty straightforward. Here’s a basic FAQ, mixed with our rules.

What is the point of this blog?

This blog is to generate writing and art prompts, similar to @write-it-motherfuckers and @writing-prompt-s, specifically for exophilia writers and artists.

Can we submit prompts?

Yes! Please do, either through the submission button or through asks. Asks are best for short prompts, or things that you want to keep anonymous. Submissions are best for longer prompts, and cannot be anonymous. We love getting prompts from folks. If you have a request for a story, please phrase it as a prompt. We aren’t a request blog, but a prompt blog.

Who can participate?

Anyone over the age of 18.

How can we participate?

Other than submitting prompts, if you see a prompt that inspires you, write or draw something and reblog it with the original prompt. Also, tag liberally.

Art submitted cannot be anonymous and must be from either the artist who created it or posted with permission from the artist who created it. Do not repost someone else’s art without their permission. This includes using it in moodboards (those collages at the top of stories.)

I see you suggest genders/monsters. Do I need to use those?

Mod prompts will sometimes have suggested genders & monsters. Those are totally optional and can be ignored if something else inspires you.

Submitted prompts that include requested monsters or genders should be considered mandatory, since people submitting those are setting up specific situations they’d hope to see.

Do I need to use a specific tense or point of view? [x]

No! The exophilia community does a lot of writing from second person present tense as a stylistic thing, but that doesn’t mean you should limit yourself to that. Write what feels comfortable to you. If that’s third person, write that! If it’s past tense, then that’s fine, too!

Can I write about sexy stuff? Kinky stuff? Polyamory?

Yes! We leave our prompts open, but if something you write takes a sexy turn, or features extra kinks, or multiple partners, that’s totally fine by us. (As long as it abides by the rules below re: what we don’t allow.) We love that stuff, it’s just that a lot of what we’ve gotten so far has been sweet rather than spicy.

Just make sure you TAG APPROPRIATELY. Use the citrus scale, tag for content (anything that people may want to know about before choosing to read your story), and follow the content rules. (We want consent, no incest, no underage sex, and no bestiality. Beyond that, it’s fair game.)

Where do I find monster inspiration?

We’ve got a post here. The short version? Everywhere! Pop culture. Cryptids. Mythology. Dungeons & Dragons. Video Games. Movies. Your Imagination.

I need writing help. Do you have advice?

We have a post here. It’s got advice from a bunch of us about how to start, how to continue. How to do the thing. The biggest thing is just to go for it. You’ll never get better without doing.

If a prompt has already been “filled,” can someone else write about the same prompt with a different story?

Yep! We’d love to see as many iterations as you guys can think of! (Someone asked Aelia about it, there’s a post.)

Are there any format expectations/requirements for stories?

Generally we like to see something that lists Characters, Content, and Rating, and a Read More link when appropriate.

Characters tells people who/what is in your story. Reader & monster genders would be listed here.

Content would be where you put any tags (see the next question) and warn people about anything that may squick or trigger, as well as any acts or situations that they may be interested in, or which they may wish to avoid. This allows people to make good choices for themselves.

Rating is based on our Citrus Scale.

If your story is more than about 6 paragraphs, or it’s explicit or potentially triggering, we love to see you use a Read More/Keep Reading tag after the first paragraph or two so when we reblog it people don’t have to scroll forever.

How should I tag?

There’s two spots we love to see tags!

1: Ahead of your story. If you put tags before your story, your readers can make informed choices about what you’ve written, and whether it’s a good/safe choice for them. This is where we want to see tags about any kinks, sex acts, or content warnings for readers.

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faveficarchive · 5 years ago

Text

At a Distance - Part 3

by Melissa Good

Pairing: Xena/Gabrielle

Rating: PG-13

Synopsis: This is a novel-length fic, and a classic in the community. Xena and Gabrielle start to explore the changes in their relationship, Gabrielle is recalled to the Amazons where she has to deal with a bit of treachery, and Xena is, as always, there to protect.

Amazon Village - Council Chamber...

Ephiny kept a close eye on Gabrielle’s face as the scout made her report. The queen’s pale green eyes didn’t disclose her reaction to the news, neither did the set of her body, which already held lines of tenseness as she sat behind the council table.

"So, in sum, the border posts report that the rumors appear to be accurate." The scout finished, glancing at Ephiny. "There is some kind of army being built at or around Amphipolis, and there have already been skirmishes with two of the local warlords."

"Who won?" Gabrielle asked, in a quiet voice.

"Not the warlords." The scout answered, with a grim smile.

"No question of who’s responsible, then, I guess." Ephiny gave a forced laugh. Giving the queen an uneasy look. I don’t like that look. But then, I haven’t liked that look for a few days now. Something’s up with her.

Gabrielle nodded, and looked down at her hands. The weight of responsibility settled heavier on her shoulders, and she grimaced to herself. What on earth was Xena up to? "I find it really hard to believe Xena is building an army. More likely, she’s just giving them a few pointers on self defense." She said, leaning back with a smile. "She did mutter something about getting bored out there."

Arella narrowed her eyes, and stood up. "That’s not a risk we can take, Gabrielle, and you know it. Despite whatever she’s done in our behalf, a major army that close to us is dangerous." She looked around, sensing support for her views. Xena was an uneasily trusted ally at the best of times, and there was more than one Amazon who was spooked by the whole coming back from death thing. Not to mention her well known connection with Ares. "You can’t guarantee that she’s not just going back to old ways."

Can’t I? The bard mused. "Oh, I think I can guarantee it." she chuckled lightly. "I know her better than you do."

"Are you willing to risk your life on that?" Arella countered, feeling a sense of excitement building. At last, an issue she could override their surprisingly tough queen on. It had been a long four weeks, and she had lost every encounter so far - personal as well as leadership. And when she tried to hate Gabrielle for it, she found, frustratingly, that she couldn’t.

Gabrielle smiled, a real smile this time. "Arella, I have. More times that I can count." She hesitated. "But, I can see you have a concern." She looked up. "Ephiny?" The Amazon leaned forward. "I’m sending you as an..." her mouth quirked. "envoy to this new army. I want you to conclude a treaty with them, to provide a mutual defense of territory." She tried really hard, and managed to keep a grin off her face.

Ephiny nodded. "All right." She said, slowly, dragging the words out. "If that’s what you want." A deep breath. Wants me to check things out, I guess. She seems pretty sure, though...

Arella cleared her throat. Not this time, green eyes. "Excellent idea, but I think, for Ephiny’s protection, we need to send along someone to escort her. " Behind her, she felt Erika stir, and she grinned to herself. "My best crossbow, Erika, will make a good escort."

Ephiny and Gabrielle exchanged glances. No way to gracefully refuse that offer, the bard thought. And I suppose it won’t hurt for the opposition to get a chance to see the truth for themselves. "Ok." she nodded. "Dawn, then." She pulled over a sheet of parchment and picked up a quill. "I’ll write out a treaty." And a note, for private delivery. For me to get some of this stuff I have bottled up off my chest, for someone to read who I know I can trust. Who trusts me.

Her usual after dinner walk to the lake left her sitting on a stony projection, staring out over the running water with unseeing eyes, and letting her head rest back against the cool stone. It had been a productive four weeks, she mused, a treaty concluded with the centaurs, a trading agreement with three villages to the south, and a cooperative defense plan with the two farming centers to the east. The villages were willing to trade supplies and foodstuffs for crafts and the Amazon’s protective services. Not bad, actually. She had every right to be very pleased, and somewhat proud of herself.

But the constant pressure was getting to her. She sighed. She could feel it, in her lack of patience, in the strain that left her back and neck aching at night so badly she could hardly lie down. In the constant questioning of everyone’s motives. And the persistent need to be on her guard against the words and physical touches of Arella. And it’s not like I’m not a touchy kind of person. she scowled to herself. After all, I can hardly keep my hands off.... A pause, then a helplessly silly grin. Well, that was different. But Arella just made her feel... ugh. Creepy.

Ephiny knew there was something wrong. Had gently tried to question her on it, but Gabrielle had resisted confiding in her, knowing Ephiny felt guilty enough about calling her here. Knowing if Ephiny knew how bad she felt, the Amazon would feel it her duty to do something. And there was only one something that would help. One someone, and that would ruin a lot of what she was trying to do. She groaned, and let her head slip forward, trying to release some of the tension in her neck. Having the sudden desperate craving to feel a familiar pair of strong hands clasp her there, and with a few knowledgeable kneads, bring relief. After a moment of indulgence in misery, she took a deep breath, and leaned back, squaring her shoulders. I can do this. I may not like it, but I can do it.

I wonder if any of them know just how much I would pay to be the one going to check out the new Amphipolis army? She laughed helplessly. Except, I think... if I did... I’d never come back. I think? No...I know. That’s really why I haven’t sent word to her...why I won’t admit to Ephiny why I can’t sleep at night...because if she rode into this village, she’d take one look at my face, and just lift me up onto Argo, and ride out. And I’d go...and I wouldn’t look back. And.. she sighed. That wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Right now. But I can’t do this forever. It’s killing me.

A sound at her back raised the hair on her neck, as she recognized the footsteps. Oh great. "Hello, Arella." she said, not turning around. Another reason I can’t send for Xena. Drawing and quartering a fellow Amazon at sunrise in the middle square of the village will really upset some of the negotiations. She turned to see the tall redhead sauntering down the riverbank, stopping when she reached Gabrielle’s rock, and leaning on it with an air of complacent familiarity.

"Ah, my queen." she said, in a bantering tone. "I’m glad you accepted my offer to send Erika along to Amphipolis. I do hope there won’t be any trouble needing her services." She smiled at the bard, who wrapped one arm around her knee and remained silently listening. "Look, I know you think you know best about this, but I’ve asked around...and you know it wouldn’t be out of the question for your friend to be building up another army. She’s done it before."

Gabrielle sighed in annoyance. "Arella, the subject is not up for debate." She let some of her anger show in her glance. "I’m not going to justify, either to you or anyone else my faith in my best friend. You’ll just have to see for yourself."

"What if you’re wrong?" Arella countered softly, laying a hand on the smaller woman’s shoulder, and capturing her eyes with her own. "What then? Do we sit here and wait for an attack, based on your...faith?" Her voice left little doubt of what she thought that faith was based on.

Gabrielle went very still, and felt a seldom indulged deep anger trying to work its way to her calm surface. She bit her lip until the urge to lash out at the tall Amazon subsided, then drew in a breath. "Well, then... you won’t have anything to worry about." she was amazed at how calm she sounded. "Because I’ll no longer be the queen of the Amazons."

Arella started, and jerked back, not expecting that response. "You’d step down?" she asked, incredulously.

The bard smoothly stood, and stepped up to her. "Yes." She enjoyed the look of confusion on Arella’s handsome face. Because if that happened, I would no longer trust my own judgment. And they couldn’t either. "But I know I’m right."

"I think you’re judgment is a little...clouded." Arella responded, but she sounded unsure. "But I guess we’ll see." She removed her hand from the bard’s shoulder, and backed off, giving her a little smile, then turning her back and walking up the path to the village.

Gods. Gabrielle groaned to herself. I can’t take much more of this. One of these times, I’m going to lose it, and do something I know I’m going to regret, because she can definitely beat the tar out of me. And I’m supposed to be the non violent one. Well, Xena...I just got an up close and personal understanding of that little look you get, you know, that narrowed eye, lip twitching one, when you really want to just bap someone, and you can’t. A whole new perspective, yes ma’am. And I am totally ashamed of myself for desperately wishing I could see you just lay her out with one of those right from the shoulder power hits you’re so very good at. Ashamed. Yep. Bad bard. Bad bard. Suddenly she giggled at the thought, bringing a little relief. And turned as she heard yet another person approaching. Ah. Ephiny. Of course.

The Amazon approached cautiously, with a raised eyebrow. "You’re standing in the middle of the riverbank... giggling. Should I be concerned?" she queried, with a hesitant grin.

Gabrielle shook her head. "No...just doing some therapeutic visualization."

"Huh?" Ephiny blurted.

"Picturing Xena dumping Arella into a pile of centaur droppings." the bard rephrased.

"Ah!" Ephiny exclaimed, then chuckled. "That’s not very queenly of you."

"No." The bard answered. "But I’m enjoying it." She turned to walk back to the village, waiting for Ephiny to fall into step next to her. "You just missed her."

Ephiny turned and put a hand out to stop Gabrielle from continuing to walk. "Hey... is she getting too much for you? Because if she is.."

"You’ll do... what?" the bard countered, serious now. "What, Ephiny? Hit her? She can take you, or almost anyone else. Here, anyway" She wouldn’t release the Amazon’s gaze until Ephiny sighed. "You don’t think I’ve thought of that? Do you know how hard it is to just put up with it when I know with one..." She stopped. "Anyway. I can cope with her. Just go find out what’s going on over in Amphipolis" Turning, she started walking up the path again.

Ephiny squared her shoulders, and caught up. "OK..OK...but it’s damn hard to watch. I gotta tell you that, my friend." Upset made her voice wobble. "I don’t like feeling helpless, Gabrielle, I just don’t. And...I do care, you know."

Gabrielle glanced at her sidelong. "I know. And I appreciate that, Ephiny. It’s all right - I’ve dealt with worse than her. She really hasn’t done anything, it’s just that....ugh..."

"Attitude?" Ephiny provided, knowingly. "Yeah."

"Yeah." Gabrielle agreed. "The I’m too sexy for my skirt attitude."

Ephiny lost it, doubling over in laughter. After a minute, the bard joined her. "Oh.. I’m sorry.." the Amazon gasped, leaning on a tree. "that just struck me so funny..." She took a breath, still chuckling. "I’m glad you’re immune to it. I was.." An embarrassed shrug. "kind of concerned about that. I know you’ve not had a lot of...er...experience."

Gabrielle blushed. "Ephiny" she muttered. "I hadn’t realized just how naive you thought I was until right now." she glanced around. "What am I supposed to tell her, that her ‘appeal’ pales in comparison to what I’m used to?"

Now it was Ephiny’s turn to blush. "You keep surprising me." she admitted, "and you know I don’t really like to pry into your personal business."

"Mmm." the bard agreed. "Well, I need to go write that treaty. Pick it up in a few hours, will you?"

And just what will I write? Gabrielle thought to herself as she settled at the desk, quill in hand. She thought for a long time, then nodded a little to herself, and started writing. For a very long time the only sound in the hut was the sound of her quill scratching against the parchment. First, the treaty. Then, a longer missive, with pauses for thought between the words. At last, she settled back, and reviewed her work. Satisfied, she sanded the ink, blew the parchment dry, and folded it carefully, adding a wax seal. It read:

Dear Xena,

Sorry about sending Ephiny with this dumb treaty, but your reputation is getting out of hand, and there are rumors that you are taking over the world. Again. Please treat her gently, and try not to beat up the person traveling with her, who is one of Arella’s stooges, and is there to make sure Ephiny tells the truth about what’s going on.

I hope you’re OK, and not busy building blackberry fortifications. I told the Amazons you were probably teaching your people there how to defend themselves, as I’ve seen you teach others. As you’ve taught me. But they’re hard to convince. I guess they don’t know you as I do. I feel sorry for them.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to put anything sappy in this note, as I know you hate that sort of thing, but the temptation to just say I miss you more than anything is just too great. The Amazons are treating me OK, and we are making progress, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Sometimes I just want to hear your voice, or have you raise your eyebrow at me. That’s pretty sappy, isn’t it? Sorry about that.

Anyway, assuming you’ve finished conquering the world by then, there’s a festival coming up here during the next full moon, and I thought if you weren’t doing anything else, maybe you could drop by. It’s the fall harvest celebration of Dionysus, and I have a funny feeling that I’m going to be in need of championing.

There...that was a nice polite way of saying I need you, wasn’t it? Because I do.

Be well.

The bard sighed, and leaned back in her chair, feeling a sense of weight being lifted off her shoulders. By the festival, she should have just about everything sorted out, and if not.. well, it didn’t matter. Idly, she realized that she never even questioned herself as to what the response was going to be to this note. When did I become so sure? Her brows creased. I mean, it’s possible that she’s happy where she is now, and won’t show. But her heart laughed at her, and try as she would to feel apprehension, the only thing she came up with was a bubbling surge of happy expectation.

Ephiny found her half asleep over the table when she stopped by an hour later, to pick up her charges. "Hey." She said softly, so as not to startle her.

"Oh." Gabrielle responded, a little foggily, rubbing her eyes and blinking at the Amazon. "Sorry." She grinned sheepishly. "I was sort of out of it there for a minute." She held up the sealed packet. "Here, I finished the treaty. It’s a little on the short side, but I don’t think you’ll need more."

Ephiny came forward and grasped the packet, tucking it away in her belt pouch. "Why don’t you get some sleep? You look wiped." she pronounced, with a sympathetic look at the bard. But more relaxed than I’ve seen her in two fortnights. I wonder what’s in this packet?

"Yeah. Good idea." Gabrielle answered, muffling a yawn. "Have a good trip. Try not to kill Erika, and..." her face creased into a grin. "Give my regards to the conqueror of the world, will you?"

Ephiny chuckled. "All right, I will. Any messages?"

"There’s one in there." Gabrielle nodded at her pouch. "But thanks for asking."

Ephiny grunted. "Very well. Good night, and see you in a week or so." So... that’s what I’m carrying, is it? She laughed to herself, as she walked out into the night G’wan, Ephiny... you are a romantic thing, aren’t you? She spotted Erika, who changed direction to move towards her, and wiped the grin off her face.

"Erika." she greeted the woman. "We leave at dawn."

"I know." the dark haired Amazon answered coolly. "And I hate being late. Don’t worry, I’ll be there, with bells on." She gave Ephiny an amused look. "Won’t this be fun? At least you won’t have to worry about eating on the way there." She plucked her bowstring in emphasis, then sauntered off.

"Aurgh." Ephiny growled, low in her throat. "Just what did I ever do to anyone to deserve this??"

"I dunno." Granella chuckled, slipping an arm around her. "Maybe if you’re lucky, Erika will annoy Xena when you get to Amphipolis, and your trip back will be more pleasant." They walked along for a few minutes, then Ephiny laughed. "That’s a nice thought." She wrapped an arm around Granella’s shoulders, and pulled her close. "Thanks...I’ll keep that thought in my mind when I have to spend three days on the road with her."

"You don’t really think there’s an army brewing there, do you?" Granella asked, curiously.

"Nah." Ephiny shrugged. "I think Gabrielle is right on there. I’ll be glad to see the old war horse, though...maybe I can get a handle on what’s been bugging our queen. "

Granella snorted. "If you call her an old war horse to her face, she’ll get a handle on you, Ephiny... and toss you into the manure pit, more than likely."

They both laughed, and walked towards the scout’s campfire.

Amphipolis, three days later...

"Here’s the crossroads." Ephiny said, gesturing ahead. "It’s not far up the road from here." She moved forward, not waiting for a response. It had been a long three days.

Erika strode easily next to her, in silence. She glanced ahead, seeing the first edge of fields that meant an upcoming village, and sighed to herself in relief. Traveling with Ephiny had been nerve-wracking, since neither of them trusted the other, and she hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in three days. Nor had her traveling companion. Conversation had been limited to discussion of the path, the weather, the general condition of the lands around them, and that was about it. Erika was looking forward to getting to Amphipolis, army or no army just to have someone else to talk to. And she was pretty sure Ephiny felt the same way.

The fields they passed were well tended, and they began to spot villagers working out in them. Occasionally, one of them would raise a head, and observe them as they passed, but there was no overt hostility there, just mild curiosity. "Looks pretty peaceful." Erika admitted.

"Hmm." Ephiny murmured, then jerked her head towards the fields again. "Maybe, but look again. Word’s being passed on us." Then she noticed the casual scattering of staves around the workers, and spotted a half asleep boy on the wall facing the road, whose lidded eyes followed them. Her spine began to prickle.

Erika moved closer to her in pure reflex. Now that Ephiny had pointed it out, she could see small subtle signs of an uncommon awareness around the hard working field hands and trudging villagers. Still, she saw no armor, no slyly hidden weapons. No fortifications. Puzzled, she glanced at Ephiny, whose face reflected a similar confusion. "Well, that makes me feel better." She commented wryly. "You don’t know what’s going on here either."

They walked on, approaching the village proper, where they got polite nods from the passer’s by, and a cheerful hello from a few who apparently recognized what they were. "Well, they don’t hate Amazons, anyway." Ephiny muttered. "There’s an inn. Let’s go find out where we can find Xena." She directed her steps to the door, and pushed it open, peering inside.

"Hello." Came a voice from within, drawing their attention. Ephiny moved inside, and blinked a little in the gloom coming from the sunny courtyard. It was a nicely appointed inn, with good solid tables, and an appearance of doing well. She turned her attention to the man standing behind the service bar, and jerked a little at the unreal sense of familiarity he stirred in her. Who? What...??? Then she realized it was the eyes. Fiery electric blue, like only one other person she had ever known.

"Hello." He said again, coming out from behind the service bar and moving towards them. "You’re Amazons." Stating the obvious. "Are you looking for Xena?"

Ephiny and Erika looked at each other. "Yes." Ephiny said, tilting her curly head at him. "And you are...?"

"Toris." He extended a forearm. "Her brother."

"Ah." Ephiny breathed. "That explains why you look so familiar." She chuckled. "She never mentioned.."

"She never does." Toris answered, cheerfully. "But here we are. And she’s out in the practice yard running some drills - you can go through the back door there if you like."

"Thanks." Ephiny said warmly, and motioned Erika to go before her towards the door. "Nice meeting you."

"I’m sure we’ll be speaking again." Toris answered, with an amused look on his face. "Watch yourself when you go out there, sometimes those staffs get swung a little wildly."

Ephiny nodded, and moved on. "Wow.." she said in an undertone to Erika, ignoring her dislike for the woman for a moment.

"Yeah.." Erika answered, with a sly grin. "I guess the looks run in the family."

For a moment, an understanding of a sort existed between them. Then they were at the door, and Ephiny was pushing it open cautiously. The sound of wood smacking against wood could now be clearly heard. They peered around the doorjamb, and froze in place, just watching.

The practice yard was a cleared area in back of the inn, with a packed earth floor, and strategically placed hay bales. Xena was in the center of it, armed with a long quarterstaff, and facing 10 villagers, mixed men and women, who were taking turns coming at her, and trading blows. The tall warrior was in a sleeveless white belted tunic, and boots, and was patiently explaining to each villager what they were doing wrong, or right, whichever it happened to be, as they came towards her and practiced smooth swings and parries.

Erika and Ephiny traded glances again. "Guess Gabrielle was right." Ephiny smirked. "Sure looks like a defense class to me."

Erika snorted. "Maybe." she grudgingly admitted, though she was privately convinced the queen had been right all along. That wasn’t the reason she was along, and what Xena was, or was not doing wasn’t really relevant. Of course, Ephiny didn’t know that. But she would find out. A smile curled Erika’s lips. She turned to watch the class, as Xena, stepping back, now motioned for all of the villagers to come at her at once. Raising an eyebrow at what she saw.

"She’s pretty damn good." The dark haired Amazon muttered.

Ephiny snorted and rolled her eyes. "Pretty good. Yeah, right. " She watched as Xena, moving with a powerful grace managed to disarm most of the villagers in one dazzling series of movements, then just jumped over the other three, and took their legs out from under them with a backhanded sweep. "Oh ho! I just saw where our queen got one of her moves from."

"That reverse sweep, yeah." Erika admitted. "not bad."

Ephiny rolled her eyes, and looked back at the practice ground, finding her eyes held by a pair of burning blue ones. Xena immediately stopped what she was doing, and loped in their direction, tossing an instruction over her shoulder at the villagers. Ephiny realized the sudden alarm she was causing, and made a quick hand signal to the fast approaching warrior, seeing relief flood Xena’s eyes, and her tense shoulders relax.

In a brief moment, she was slowing to a halt opposite them, extending an arm to Ephiny, who grasped it warmly. "Hello, Ephiny." She shot a glance at Erika, then looked inquiringly at the blond Amazon.

"Hello, Xena. This is Erika." Her grasp tightened on Xena’s muscular forearm for a second, and she saw an answering quirk of the warrior’s eyebrows.

"Erika." Xena drawled. "What brings you two here?" She released Ephiny’s arm, and nodded for them to go back inside the inn. "Go on in." She held the heavy door for them, and followed them inside, grabbing a pitcher and a few glasses on the way to an empty table, and setting them down before pulling a chair up and seating herself. "Help yourself. The ale’s cold, but I warn you, it’s potent."

They poured themselves glasses, and sipped tentatively, then more enthusiastically. "Nice." Erika purred, glancing at the dark haired woman over the top of her glass. Ephiny nodded agreement.

"Tell it to my mother." Xena commented, settling back in the chair with her own glass. "Now, what brings a pair of Amazons to Amphipolis?"

"Your mother?" Ephiny asked, distracted.

"Yeah, Gabrielle hasn’t been telling that story where they found me under a rock again, has she?" Xena’s voice was amused. "This is my mother’s inn." She glanced around. "You’ve already met Toris, I take it."

Ephiny just shrugged. "Honestly, Xena, nobody knows much about you, so I guess it never occurred to us that you had a family somewhere. You’ve kept pretty quiet about it."

The warrior shrugged. "Safer for them that way." She leaned forward. "You still haven’t told me what brings you here." Pinning them both with a baleful blue glare.

"Ah.. yes." Ephiny started. "Sorry. Here." She untied her pouch, and handed Xena the packet Gabrielle had given her. Watching the warrior take it gingerly, and glance at the wax seal, then let a brief grin quirk her lips. "Well, there are these rumors.."

Xena raised an eyebrow at her. "Rumors?" Then she laughed. "Oh... let me guess. I’m out to conquer half of Greece again." She sighed, and took a long sip of ale. "I’d figured that would start. Didn’t think it would start so fast, or go so far." She shook her head. "And... the Amazons were concerned?" Her voice held equal parts annoyance and chagrin.

"Well.." Ephiny glanced at the floor. "Some of them were. Gabrielle, on the other hand, had this pegged exactly for what it was." She glanced up at Xena. "She does know you pretty well." Saw the momentary answering gleam in those ice blue eyes.

"Yeah, she does." Xena answered, quietly. "So.. what’s this?" She indicated the packet.

"Oh.’ Ephiny grinned. "It’s a mutual defense treaty."

Xena burst out laughing. "You’re kidding." Ephiny shook her head, smiling. "Oh this is just like Gabrielle." She broke the seal on the packet and pulled out the contents, putting the treaty to one side, and glancing at the second, sealed piece of parchment. Her eyebrows quirked, and she put it down quietly on the table, then picked up the treaty and read it. "Oh.." a laugh. "Wait a minute." And she got up and reached behind the service bar for a quill and ink, bringing it back, and dipping the point in. She grinned, and made a few notes in the margin of the treaty, then a few more. Finally, she signed the bottom with a flourish, and pushed it back towards Ephiny. "Here. Take it back. You’re protected."

Ephiny scanned the document, and chuckled herself. "Very funny. But what’s this bit here? I can’t read it... what dialect is that?"

Xena grinned. "Don’t worry about it. The Queen can read it. " She took a breath, and her eyes dropped to the table, where the second parchment waited. Casually, she picked it up and broke the seal, unfolding the sheet and scanning it.

The first two paragraphs made her smile and roll her eyes. Then she got to the third, and the smile turned from amusement to something else. She reread it twice, trying to ignore the chills chasing up and down her spine. Then realized the two Amazons were watching her with interest. "Well," she said, folding the parchment up. "Gabrielle says things are going fairly well." She glanced at them. "And that I should treat you two to a night in a real bed and some decent food."

"Thanks." Ephiny nodded, letting the warrior off the hook, having watched her usually inexpressive face react to the note she was reading. Had seen that fondly amused look change, the eyes widen, and that smile...Ephiny would have paid dearly to know just what it was Gabrielle had written to have gotten that response...then she mentally smacked herself. Cut that out, Ephiny. It’s not your business. "We’d appreciate that. It’s been a tough march out here. The weather’s been really unpredictable."

Xena nodded, and stood up, draining her cup and putting it behind the service counter. "Let me tell Johan you’re here. Be right back." She padded through the door in the rear, heading further into the inn. And as soon as the door closed behind her, she slumped against the wall, suddenly weak in the knees, and leaned her head against the crosspost letting a totally unexpected avalanche of emotion just take her.

Was it just that easy? She unfolded the parchment again, and reread it. In a single, simple paragraph, the bard had laid her heart out open, and, honestly, as she did everything else, reaffirmed their bond. And that last line...Xena realized she must have a very silly grin on her face, and shook herself, pushing off from the wall, and glancing around. C’mon, Xena, you’re way too old to act like this. Get a grip on yourself. C’mon, c’mon... tough warlord act. You know that one. Let’s go... let’s go.. you can melt into a puddle later. Much later. With a deep breath, she settled her shoulders, and went in search of Johan, who was glad to set aside two rooms for the Amazons.

"Are you sure... two?" Johan asked, giving her a sly look.

Xena raised both eyebrows at him. "Johan...whatever could you mean?" She grinned. "But in this case, yes, I’m sure. These two have no love lost between them." She chuckled, and cuffed his arm. "Troublemaker."

"Not at all." Johan protested, but smiled at her.

"OK, all set." The warrior said, as she swung back through the doorway, seating herself again. "rooms and dinner, as requested by your queen." She propped one booted foot against the table support and leaned back. "Mother has a bathing room upstairs also, if you’re interested." She saw the appreciative gleams in two pairs of eyes. "Go on and enjoy yourselves. I have some drill to finish, then I’ll join you for dinner. It can get a little...crowded in here, but folks are polite, and they’ll know who you are."

Ephiny raised her eyebrow at that. "Is that good or bad?" she asked, only half joking.

Xena gave her a tolerant look. "It’s good. Mother and Toris and most of the folks here know Gabrielle, and they’re familiar with the Amazons, with you lot being so close."

"Fine." Ephiny said, then jerked her head at Erika. "I’m going upstairs. You?"

Erika put her cup on the table, and nodded, then gave Xena a tolerably respectful nod, and followed Ephiny towards the stairs.

Xena watched them go, then snorted and shook her dark head. "Amazons." She sighed, glancing at the ceiling. "It never ends."

"What doesn’t, dear?" Cyrene asked, walking over to her, and peering up the stairs. "Were those the Amazons I heard were here?"

Xena glanced at her. "Yeah."

Cyrene nodded. "Hmm. And how is Gabrielle?" She asked, watching her daughter’s face with a small smile. Seeing the gentle sparkle appear in her eyes at the mention of that name.

"Fine." Xena answered, quietly. And managed, somehow, to not break into that stupid grin again. "Well, I have things to do." she said, and hoisted herself out of the chair. "They’ll be staying the night." she added, as she stood up and moved around her mother towards the door. Aware of the fond smile following her out. Damn.. am I that transparent?

Dinner, as she suspected, was crowded, but the two Amazons seemed to enjoy it anyway, watching the villagers with amused interest, and being watched in return. They asked, and she related the truth behind the rumors of her army building.

"It was not a big thing." the warrior sighed. "Look, a bunch of the younger guys came to me, and asked me to just provide them with some basic defense skills. You know, some staff, some hand to hand...so, I did." She shrugged. "They took to it... better than I thought they were going to, in fact. So then, one of the local warlords decided to run a raid on the village." She stopped and took a sip of ale. "And we stopped them."

"Just like that." Ephiny grinned. "with a little help from you, personally, I would guess."

"No." Came the very surprising answer. "That wasn’t the point. We all know I can fight." She grinned in self deprecation. "They did it themselves." She glanced around. "And then they did it again. So... that’s how the rumor started." Another sip. And then she sat back and regarded the crowd. "They’re not bad people." A quirk of a grin. "Most of them even talk to me now."

"I noticed you aren’t in armor." Ephiny commented, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. "Whoa... that was good. Compliments to your mother."

Xena quirked a grin. "Yeah, I leave the armor off because it makes people a little nervous." She glanced at Ephiny. "I’ll pass along the compliments, by the way. She enjoys stuffing people." she snorted. "I’d be in real trouble if I didn’t spend half my day sparring and the other half hunting for the table." And half the night doing drills. I like her cooking way too much.

Ephiny smiled. "Worse things could happen to you. " She yawned, and noticed Erika was nodding a little sleepily as well. "I think we’ve about had enough for today, though." She stood, and Erika did the same, having said very little during the meal. "Thanks again, Xena. I needed this." She gave the warrior a quiet smile.

"Anytime." Xena nodded at them, and stood as well. "See you in the morning." She added, as she stepped around the back of the table, and left them to go upstairs.

The barn was cool and quiet, and Xena spent a moment just breathing in the familiar scents of hay and horse and dust before she stepped in and shut the door behind her. Argo whickered at her, and she crossed to the mare, glancing around before pulling out the parchment and letting the horse sniff it curiously. "Recognize that, Argo?" The mare whinnied. "Thought you might." She went towards the loft, almost bowling over Ares as he catapulted out from under the tack table and attacked her boot. "Hey, watch it." she muttered, lifting the puppy up and tucking him under her arm, then hoisting herself up one armed into the loft, and laying back on her bedroll.

"Roo." Ares protested, wriggling out of her grasp, and climbing up her arm onto her chest, sniffing at the parchment which she held in front of her. She lifted it out of his range, and just read it again, this time just letting the wash of giddy emotion happen, and quietly closed her eyes, basking in it. I don’t deserve it. I really don’t. But if it’s happening, well...I’m going to let it. I’m tired of fighting this. She rolled her head one side, and regarded the puppy. "I bet you’ll like her, too." she murmured to the animal, who cocked his head at her. "Well, I have to get up and do some sword work, Ares. So be a good boy, and go to sleep, OK?"

She rolled out of the loft, and stripped out of her tunic, putting on the quilted gambeson she used to practice sword work in. It had padding in the shoulders and arms, where she tended to smack herself when in the middle of working out flips and turns in mid air, and saved her from some annoying bruises. It also had clips and buckles to hold her sheath on, and was cut high on the sides to allow for some of her more complicated kicks. She adjusted the straps, and clipped the sword on, then ducked out the door and headed down the path towards the tree line, sucking the cool air down into her lungs and breaking into a run just because it felt good. She threw a few running flips in just for fun, and arrived at the clearing in record time, bouncing a few times on the balls of her feet to get the sword and gambeson settled into the right places.

Damn, I feel good. A long rolling wave of happiness cascaded over her. She drew the sword, and hurled herself into a wild series of mid air passes, letting the emotion work itself out slowly as she settled down to some complicated and frankly, overly fancy sword attacks, which featured twirling and releasing the blade while in the middle of doing reverse moves. It was really hard. And she loved every minute of it, feeling the moves slip into a familiar, comfortable groove. Gods, that’s sweet.

She grinned to herself, then switched gears, and started a more normal set of standard passes, which got faster and faster until the blade itself blurred. Then, then she added the aerial maneuvers, starting with easy forward flips, and progressing to the more complicated ones, which involved twisting in mid air, and the to the really hard ones, the backflips, which she had to do mostly blind, trusting her instincts to place blade, and body, and feet on landing. She’d been having some trouble with those, but tonight.. tonight it all flowed so easy...like everything just slid into place without effort. She laughed out loud, doing a wild backward toss, then bouncing forward into a forward tumble, then up and around into a mid air extended leap that was almost, almost like flying. At last, she relaxed on her back in the grass, arms extended fully, just looking up at the stars. Feeling the dew soak into the gambeson, cooling her off. Just breathing in the scent of the pine forest, the water soaked grass, and the damp earth.

A faint sound came to her, and her defenses came back full force. She bounced to her feet, and slid the sword into it’s sheath, moving into the trees and out of the moonlight. Her senses found a moving body - and she stepped towards it, stopping in the shadow of a large tree to concentrate on the forest in front of her. Her nostrils flared and caught the fitful wind, bringing a faint scent to her, along with the barest hint of a crackle of floor debris underfoot. She stayed where she was, until the intruder passed her still, silent gaze, then rolled her eyes. Ephiny. Would the woman never learn? Sighing, she slid out from behind her tree, and moved into position behind the Amazon, who was clearly following some trail. Hers, she realized, which she had taken absolutely no pains to conceal. Amused, she followed Ephiny until the woman came to the edge of the clearing and looked out, laying one hand on the rough bark of the last tree before the open space. Finally, Xena just cleared her throat, and crossed her arms as the startled Ephiny whirled.

"What is it with you?" The warrior exclaimed, leaning against a nearby tree. "Can’t you just say, "Hey, Xena... can we talk?" Do you have to go sneaking up on people..?" She straightened up, and walked over to where the Amazon was standing, hands on hips.

"Like you never do that either." Ephiny retorted, laughing a little. "Sorry." she said, sheepishly. "It’s a habit. You know us. Never walk when you can sneak." She gazed at Xena. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

The warrior blew out a breath, and flexed her shoulders. "Sword practice." She nodded at the clearing. "Plenty of space, no villagers to scare."

"Practice?" Ephiny asked, quizzically. "I didn’t know you had to."

Xena scowled at her. "You know, that always amazes me." She said, with a touch of annoyance her voice.

"What does?" Ephiny asked, moving closer and cocking her head, regarding the taller woman in some confusion.

"Why does everybody just assume I just wake up in the morning being able to do things like jump over my own height and catch arrows?" Plaintively, she looked at Ephiny. "Do you really think Ares just steps out from behind a tree, sprinkles me with dust, and there I go?"

Ephiny stood, shocked, and tried to think of something to answer that with. "Uh...Well...Hmm. It’s your own fault." she replied, crossing her arms. "You make it all look so easy... I guess everyone just assumes...I mean... I don’t know what they assume. I guess I always...oh, Hades, Xena. I have no idea what I thought. You just do things." she finished, giving the warrior a little shrug with both hands. "You do things I’ve never seen anyone else do."

Xena sighed, and rubbed her upper arms, "Do you have any idea how long it took me to build up my body to the point where I can do those things?" She gave Ephiny a little grin. "And it takes constant working at it to keep it that way." She chuckled. "So, yeah, Ephiny. I practice. I even hit myself in the head sometimes. Just ask Gabrielle."

She looked at the Amazon, letting serious look take over her face. "What’s on you mind, Eph? I doubt you came out here to watch me do backflips."

Ephiny crossed her arms and leaned back against the tree. "It’s Gabrielle." She said, finally, glancing up and into Xena’s now guarded eyes. "I’m worried about her." She pursed her lips. " Something’s really bothering her, and she won’t talk to me. Or anyone for that matter. "

Xena’s brow creased in some consternation, caught between worry and the realization that she probably knew perfectly well what the bard’s problem was.

"It’s...she’s not sleeping. And she thinks I don’t know it. I think the tension of this whole thing is getting to her. And Arella isn’t helping." She didn’t meet Xena’s eyes. "She’s... putting a lot of pressure on Gabrielle. And she’s not being very subtle about it. " Now she finally looked up. "Don’t get me wrong, she’s handling it just fine. Frustrating the heck out of Arella. " A faint grin from Xena. "But... it’s wearing her out, Xena. And it hurts me to see it. " She paused. "She needs a friend."

"Aren’t you that, Ephiny?" Xena asked gently, her pale eyes searching the Amazon’s face intently.

"I’m one of the people looking to her for solutions." Ephiny sighed. Then bit the arrowhead, and continued. "I really think the friend she needs is standing here in front of me." She took a breath, and glanced at the ground. "Look.. it’s not my business, I know that. But... I like Gabrielle. And I don’t like seeing her the way she is now. She’s in need of something...something we can’t give to her." The Amazon looked up into a pair of still, quiet blue eyes. "But I think you can."

Xena let out a breath, regarding her with a thoughtful expression. About to speak, she suddenly stiffened, and held up a hand, cocking her dark head to listen.

"Crossbow." she mouthed at Ephiny, whose eyes widened. "Pointed at my back." she barely breathed, every sense tuned and alert.

"Who?" Ephiny breathed back, shivering. There was no panic in the eyes facing her, but she could see the sudden sharp edge of readiness tense Xena’s muscles, and her nape hair lifted.

"Question is, which one of us is the target?" The warrior responded softly, then looked intently at the Amazon. "Ephiny, do you trust me?"

Ephiny stared into those compelling eyes for a long moment. Then took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, I do."

"Then don’t move." Xena warned softly. "Not one inch, not one bit." She closed her eyes, and focused every fiber of her being behind her, feeling the tremor as the crossbow was released, sensing the movement of the air as the quarrel headed towards her. Time compressed, as she let trained instinct take over, and dropped to one knee, and whirled, and caught the quarrel as it blazed past her left shoulder then the second as it passed her head. Freezing her muscles into place, turning her head and checking the flight of the arrows, at the target several inches to her rear. At Ephiny’s heart.

For a heartbeat, she held Ephiny’s gaze, then she dropped the quarrels, and stood up, putting her body between the trees and the Amazon. "They’re gone." she said, turning to look at the blond woman. "What’s going on here, Ephiny? Those were aimed at you...aimed by someone who knew I’d not only hear them, but be able to get out of the way."

Ephiny sank down the tree trunk until she was seated on the forest floor, and rested her head in her hands. Xena crouched down next to her, concerned. "Sometimes, you know, Xena.." she finally muttered. "It’s just not worth the trouble." She let her arms rest on her knees, and leaned her head back against the tree. "It had to be Erika. Crossbow is her specialty, and she’s the only one in the area who I can even remotely think has a motive."

Xena’s dark brow creased. "Erika? Why kill you? If they’re out after the queen’s mask, it makes more sense to kill me." She seemed unemotional about this. "After all, if they want to take that away from Gabrielle, they have to go through me to do it."

"True." Ephiny gave her a wan smile. "But what if they can make it look like I went here for a parley, and you killed me?" She almost laughed at the dumbfounded look on Xena’s face. "Bam. We have a situation where Arella can push through almost anything in the way of a challenge, and you wouldn’t be acceptable as a champion, because...well, you’d have killed me. "

Xena let a slow, feral, lazy smile cross her face, sending a chill down Ephiny’s spine. "Ephiny. If anyone threatened her, do you think I’d let Amazon law stand between me and them?" Her eyes bored into the Amazon’s. "Besides, crossbow isn’t my style. I wouldn’t have killed you that way."

Ephiny took a deep breath, and tried humor. "Well, if Gabrielle was here, she’d have said you wouldn’t have killed me. In any way." She swallowed. "By the way, thank you."

Xena rose smoothly to her feet, and reached a hand down to help up the shaken Ephiny. "Anytime." she said, then added. "And.. Gabrielle would have been right. As usual." She grinned at Ephiny. "Thank you. For being concerned about her."

Ephiny glanced down at the ground, then peered off into the forest. "We have a festival coming up, Xena.."

"I know." the warrior chuckled lightly. "I got a written invitation."

"Oh." Ephiny blushed. Then laughed. "I should have known. Will you be there?"

"I’ll be there." Xena replied, giving her a push back towards the village. "It’s Dionysus’s festival. Someone has to protect her innocence from you Amazons."

Ephiny started, and glanced back at Xena in surprise, then snorted in laughter, shaking her head as they made their way back to the inn. Instead of heading for the tavern, though, Xena steered her towards the barn. "Safer, I think, though not nearly so comfortable." she muttered, sliding into the doorway with Ephiny right behind her. Who stopped short at the sight of a boisterous wolf puppy who stumbled furiously across the floor and flung itself on Xena’s booted foot. "Oh, hi Ares." Xena said, absently, moving the animal aside gently and crossing over to the tack table.

‘Ares?" Ephiny said, her voice rising in astonished question. "You must be kidding." She peered at the wolf. "Where in the world..."

"Long story." Xena said, pulling a piece of parchment to her, and sitting down with a quill and an absorbed expression. "If Erika was the person behind that crossbow, just how safe are you going to be on the way home?"

Ephiny seated herself on a convenient lump of hay, and considered. "I’m not sure."

Xena studied her hands. "Well, I may have a solution. A...witness, more or less, for you." She paused thoughtfully. "We have an orphan here...named Cait. Her parents were killed by a roving warlord band." She sat back and regarded Ephiny. "She makes her living hunting small game, and selling it to the locals. She’s good - and she’s only 12 years old."

"That’s young to be alone." Ephiny mused.

"Very." Xena agreed. "She begged me to teach her sword when I got here. I convinced her it probably wasn’t a good idea. But.." She nodded at Ephiny. "she’d make a good Amazon."

"Does she want that?" Ephiny asked, considering. "You know we don’t just adopt people just because they’re orphans, or whatever."

"She wants it." Xena stated, flatly. "She asked me to take her to your village, in fact. I told her I’d think about it... when I went." She leaned forward. "It’s a risk, I know...but she’s tough, and she’s not a complete innocent."

Ephiny nodded. "All right. I’ll take her."

"Good." Xena sighed. "Now, roll up in the hay and get some sleep. I need to write a note."

Ephiny smiled. "Sounds like a good idea. To both." she said, getting a startled response from Xena, and grinning. Then she grabbed a spare horse blanket, and curled up in the soft fodder, asleep in minutes.

Xena watched her a minute, then laughed gently herself. Then concentrated on the parchment in front of her. Oh... this wasn’t going to be easy. Words aren’t my thing. But....let’s see. She wrote,

Dear Gabrielle,

Well, yes, I’m out to conquer the world. Again. And I started here in Amphipolis. On to Potadeia next. I’ll give your regards to your family, since I’m sure they remember me fondly. It was nice to have Ephiny visit, and get word on what was going on there. I did keep from beating up Erika, but you might want to when they get back, because we think she tried to introduce Ephiny to a pair of crossbow quarrels.

Never a dull moment when you’re involved, huh? Mother and Toris send their regards, and Ephiny will be carrying something from mother to you that I think you’ll like very much. I do. The place has been OK with me so far - besides the world domination plan, that is.

Yeah, as a rule I don’t like sappy stuff. But didn’t I once tell you you’re the exception to the rule? I think I remember doing that...besides, I miss you too. I wouldn’t miss your festival for anything - count on me being there.

Hang in there, my bard - keep your head down, and be careful. And you can tell your friend Arella if she lays one finger on you, I’ll scatter parts of her up and down the road to Athens so small they’ll have to use tweezers to pick them up.

I mean it.

Well, she thought, artistic it isn’t. But I think it gets the point across. She folded the parchment, dripped wax on it, then paused a moment, thinking. Gabrielle had sealed hers with an Amazon seal, naturally...so I guess I’ll have to drag this thing out. She walked over to Argo’s saddlebags, and dug around, until she came up with a small pouch, from which she extracted a signet ring. Hers. From the bad old days, when sigils marked with this insignia struck terror across the countryside. She looked at it thoughtfully, then crossed back over to the table, and pressed the signet into the warm wax. About time that sealed something that...she left the thought unfinished, and blew out the candle, grabbing Ares, and climbing to the loft.

She stretched out, floating in a pleasant tiredness that made the loft seem like a feather stuffed mattress. Thinking. This time not wanting or needing sleep to take that away.

Erika was sullen the next morning, Ephiny noted with a grim smile. The dark haired Amazon ate in silence the excellent and large breakfast provided them by Toris and avoided meeting Ephiny’s eyes. Ah... she’s very young. Ephiny considered, though not by any means ready to use that as an excuse for murder. So’s Arella. Maybe that’s part of the problem...She darted a glance across the room to where Xena was seated, forearms braced on booted knees, talking softly to a very young girl seated across from her. Taller than average, pale, pale blond and very slim - the girl had a short bow slung over her shoulder, and a quiver depended from her wide belt. A traveling pack slumped bonelessly at her feet as she listened intently to the warrior.

"Cait, you know you don’t have to go if you don’t want to." Xena said, quietly. "You can stay here, mother said there would be a place for you in our.." here she smiled a little. "home, if you want that."

Cait regarded her solemnly with her almost colorless gray eyes. "I want to go. I...there’s things I want, that I can’t find here." She let a half grin cross her face. "I think you understand."

Xena nodded. She did. And what she hadn’t told Ephiny was that after her parents were killed in the raid, this little girl slipped into the enemy camp, and slit the throat of the raid leader. A dangerous girl, was Cait. One whom she had a rather unique understanding of.

"All right. Ephiny will take you to Amazon country, and get you fostered. She’s OK, you can trust her. " She lowered her voice. "But the other one isn’t. We think she tried to shoot Ephiny last night."

"She did." Cait answered carefully. "I saw her, and followed her out when it looked like she was headed to your usual spot."

Xena gave her a grin, knowing for a while that she had a silent watcher. "And have you been enjoying the show?" she asked, a wry note in her voice.

Cait grinned, unashamed. She’d been very annoyed with Xena when the warrior had refused to teach her sword work, but over the weeks, she’d developed at first a liking, then a true and enthusiastic appreciation for her. For the one person she felt she could talk openly to. The one person she had met in all her short life who understood exactly where she was coming from. "Last night’s was the best ever." she breathed, eyes lighting. "It was like...magic."

Xena looked at her, bemused. "Yeah, it was a pretty nice workout." she drawled. "I was in a really good mood."

"I could tell." Cait answered softly.

"You could, huh?" Xena replied, grinning. She straightened up. "There’s something I’d like you to do for me."

Cait nodded. "I’ll try."

Xena picked up two items and slid them across the table. The first, a sealed parchment packet, she handed to Cait. "This, I want you to give to the Amazon Queen. That’s Gabrielle. Do you remember her?"

Cait nodded vigorously. "Oh yes. Your friend, with the red gold hair. The storyteller."

"Yeah, that’s her." Xena let a grin flit across her otherwise serious face. "Just hand it to her - she’ll recognize the seal. " she held the other item, turning it over in her hands. "This, I need you to carry, and give to her also. Can you do that?" She handed over the item to Cait, who took it cautiously, and examined it. A cunningly wrought knife, cast in the same mold as her long sword, with a seal embedded in the hilt. A seal that matched the parchment wax. Cait drew it gently from the leather sheath, and examined the razor blade, and the twin engraved channels down either side. She looked up at Xena, with a knowledge past her 12 years, then looked back at the blade and slid it back home.

"I can do that." the girl said, with quiet finality.

Xena nodded, and touched her hand, lowering her voice. "I want you to keep an eye on Ephiny, Cait. It’s important that she gets home." her blue eyes bored into the gray ones.

Cait kept her gaze, but brought the blade up to her lips, and pressed it there. "I will." she breathed, as two feral souls exchanged an understanding. "I promise."

"OK, so when you see her," Xena added, sparing a glance to the waiting Amazons. "Give that knife to Gabrielle. Tell her it’s from me. For...emergencies. And give her one more thing for me."

Cait stood, knowing it was time to leave. "What’s that?"

"Come here." Xena said, and as the girl moved closer, she reached out and pulled her into a hug, which, after a stunned moment, Cait returned with vigor. "Just like that." Xena said, releasing her. "OK?"

Cait grinned. "I think she’s going to like that better than the knife." She said, wisely.

Xena chuckled. "Oh, I think you’re right. But give it to her anyway." The knife.. that was still revolving in her mind as to whether or not it was a good idea. Not that she expected Gabrielle to use it, no... how the bard felt about drawing blood was something Xena was passionately aware of. No.. but the arrow incident had left her anxious about her safety, and had almost driven her to throw caution and everything else to the winds and just.. go.. herself to the Amazon Village. In fact, standing in the wind in front of the barn at dawn, she had felt a sudden urgent pull in that direction and had actually taken several steps before she caught herself, and stopped. No, Gabrielle wouldn’t use the dagger.

But she was wise enough to know that wearing it on her belt just might, might give a potential threat pause. And...the seal made sure everyone who saw it knew exactly who stood behind the beleaguered Amazon Queen. I could just go...but she said she needed a little more time...and by Ephiny’s analysis, any challenge is still in the planning stages. I don’t want to mess things up for her, but I sure don’t want her getting hurt, either. Or worse. A little more time, my bard? All right, but not much more. I don’t think I’m going to wait until that festival to pay you a little visit. she grimly decided. Not... mind mocked her gently. like you need an excuse, right?

"Oh wait... almost forgot." Xena muttered, with a quickly suppressed grin. "I’ll be right back." She disappeared into the kitchen, and quickly found Cyrene, who was standing over a mildly bubbling pot. She looked up when she heard her daughter’s distinctive footsteps.

"Good morning, dear." she smiled up at her.

"Hi." Xena replied, leaning against a wooden support. "I don’t suppose you have any of those cakes around, do you?"

Cyrene laughed. "I think I have an new addict." she teased, "all part of my plan to keep you here."

Xena smiled fondly at her. "Not for me. For a friend."

"Oh, sure." Cyrene snorted, then paused and looked up. "Ah... wait!. For Gabrielle?" She watched her daughter’s face with a twinkle in her eyes. The grin on Xena’s face answered her. "Well, in that case, I’ll pack some up for you."

"In that case?" Xena queried, raising an eyebrow.

Cyrene reached up and caught her chin, and chuckled. "Well, she’s part of the family, now, isn’t she?"

Oh. Xena felt the blush creep all the way up her neck to her cheeks. No point in lying. Not to her, anyway. "Yeah, I guess she is." Came the quiet answer, with a light chuckle following.

Her mother smiled, and patted her on the belly. "Love becomes you, my dear. " She went behind a storage case, and pulled out some wrapping, giving Xena time to compose herself, then reemerged with a neatly wrapped bundle. "Here you go."

"Thanks" the warrior replied, with a little grin. "I know they’ll be appreciated."

Cyrene waved her off. "Away with you. I have stew to attend to." She waited until she heard the door close, then chuckled to herself. If someone had told me this was going to happen a month ago, I would have chased them out the front door with a broom. Now look - business is stronger than it’s ever been, and the village is...renewed, with a self confidence that came straight from her. I think she’s finally paid off that debt. At least to me she has. I think I love her, again. No, I know I do.

"All right." Xena said, walking back to the table and guiding Cait over to the Amazons. "Everyone ready?" Cait smiled shyly at the two women, having already tucked the blade away and out of sight. "This is Cait, and she wants to go with you. Cait, this is Ephiny and Erika, and they’re Amazons." She handed Ephiny a packet, with a grin. "Give that to her majesty, please. With my mother’s compliments."

"Hello, Cait." Ephiny smiled warmly. "You all packed?" Erika just nodded at the girl.

"All ready." Cait said, hefting her pack.

Ephiny patted the girl on the shoulder, and guided her towards the door. She turned as she opened it, and glanced back towards Xena, who was standing, arms crossed, watching. "Take care." She called, with a nod.

"Be seeing you." Xena replied, raising an eyebrow, and giving her a ghost of a wink. Seeing relief follow comprehension across the blond Amazon’s face.

Amazon Village - Evening, two days after...

Gabrielle put her head in her hands, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. The scene in the council chamber today had scared her more than she was willing to admit, though she had held her ground, and won the point. Again. But how much longer could she keep on doing this? First, the rumors of centaur invasion in their territory. Proved wrong. Then word came that there were brigands from the neighboring village raiding the fields. Again, proved wrong. Each time, peace prevailed. Calm prevailed. The other morning, she thought sure Arella was going to call challenge on her, right there at the breakfast hall. The pang of pure unreasoning fear had been difficult to deal with. But she had. Now, word came that Ephiny was inbound, with Erika in tow, and an unknown young girl.

"Gabrielle?" Came Granella’s soft voice at the door. She looked up, to see the slim Amazon looking at her in some concern. "Ephiny’s at the gate. Thought you’d want to know."

"Thanks." the bard said, taking a deep breath, and pushing herself up from the desk. Crossing the room, she paused in the doorway, spotting the blond immediately, and watching as Erika stalked off towards Arella’s encampment with a very dour look. She cheered up, realizing that meant only one thing, not that she’d had any doubt. Ephiny caught her gaze, and moved in her direction, motioning for the third member of their party to join her. Who on earth...the bard mused. She seemed vaguely familiar, but Gabrielle couldn’t remember from where for a minute.. though her memory cleared as they drew close and she did recall. Huh…

"Gabrielle!" Ephiny called out, looking tired, but relieved. "You were right on." Her lips curved in a smile, matched by the one on the queen’s face. "and I have a signed treaty for you from the conqueror of the world."

Gabrielle moved towards them, feeling some of the tension drain out of her. "I bet she rolled her eyes when she saw it." the bard laughed, then gazed at the young girl. "Hello, Cait.. long time no see."

The girl’s eyes lit at being remembered, and she gave Gabrielle a shy grin. Gabrielle grinned back, and ushered both of them inside her quarters. She’s gotten taller, but still looks like a ghost.

"It seems Cait here wants to be a part of our extended family, Gabrielle." Ephiny drawled. "Xena recommended her."

"Well, that recommendation’s good enough for me." The queen replied, winking at Cait.

"I have some things for you." Cait replied, moving forward a little.

"Do you?" Gabrielle asked, a bit puzzled. "Like what?"

She held out the parchment first. "This."

Gabrielle took it, glancing at the seal, then smiled easily. "I can see who this came from." she laughed. A warm glow started in the pit of her stomach.

Cait smiled too. "Yeah, And this...she said to say it was in case of emergencies." the girl tugged a long item out of her pack, and handed it over solemnly.

The bard slowly reached out and took it, running her eyes over it, and gently touching the seal in the hilts. Her eyes darted to Ephiny, taking in the exhausted rings under the blond Amazon’s eyes, and the troubled gaze. "Thank you." For emergencies...what could have happened that had gotten Xena shook up enough to send this?

Cait waited. "One more thing." She intoned, softly.

Gabrielle dragged her attention back to the girl. "OK, what is it?" she asked, forcing a patient, cheerful note into her voice.

"This." And the girl stepped forward, and hugged the startled bard, trying to squeeze as hard as she could. As hard as she knew that warrior back there wanted to. Because this friend of hers really seemed to need it.

Gabrielle took a long shuddering breath, and hugged the girl back. "Thank you, Cait." she said, as she released the girl, ruffling her hair. "That was the best thing."

Cait let a half grin onto her face. "I told her you’d think so." she said.

"All right, Cait, let’s get you settled." Ephiny sighed, glancing back at the doorway, relieved to see Granella waiting there. "Gran, can you..."

"Sure." The scout laid a gentle hand on Cait’s shoulder. "Come on, Cait...I bet you’re hungry." She exchanged nods with Ephiny, and led the girl out.

Gabrielle watched them leave, then turned to Ephiny and pulled her arm. "Sit down before you fall down. What’s going on?" she asked, crisply, perching on the edge of the desk. "What happened that caused me to get this.." She lifted the knife. "From my generally level headed, though overprotective best friend?"

Ephiny told her. "So, we think, and now Cait confirms, that Erika was trying to set it up so that Xena couldn’t champion you. I was just a convenient...excuse." She gave the queen a sardonic look. "However, your champion was quick to point out to me that Amazon law wasn’t going to apply to her if anyone messed with her Gabrielle." The Amazon grinned privately at the quick blush that passed over Gabrielle’s fair features. "And, by the way, she sends this." She handed Gabrielle the wrapped package. "Said it was with her mother’s compliments."

Gabrielle took the bundle curiously, and unwrapped it, an unexpected grin appearing on her face. "She does know me." she said, laughing softly, as she exposed the pastry. The smell was wonderful, and she immediately taste tested, eyebrows rising in appreciation. "Oh wow.. these are great!" She offered one to Ephiny, who suppressed a smile and accepted, munching thoughtfully. "So.. how are things there?" the bard asked, casually.

Ephiny gave her a knowing grin. "Fine, I think - she’s won over Amphipolis, by the way. And... oh yeah, she’s somehow found this wolf puppy that follows her around all over the place."

Gabrielle giggled. "A puppy??? What I wouldn’t give to see that." Oh.. how true that is. Like right now.

"Yeah, she wouldn’t tell me the story behind it, but he’s a cute little thing. She calls him Ares." The Amazon drawled, watching the queen��s attitude lighten considerably. "And I got up during the night last night to rearrange my straw mattress, and caught her sleeping with him tucked into the crook of her arm, all snuggled up. It was unbelievably precious. If you tell her I saw it, though, she’ll probably kill us both." The delighted grin on Gabrielle’s face was worth the danger.

"Not a word, I promise." the queen giggled. "She hates it when people get under that coldhearted warrior act of hers."

"Except for you." The words were out before Ephiny could stop them, and she held her breath, waiting to be told off.

Gabrielle looked at her for a minute, then grinned, and shrugged a bit. "Except for me." She agreed cheerfully. "But that took a lot of time and effort." she paused. "Not that I minded."

Ephiny chuckled. "I bet." she continued with her report. "And although she’s got a couple of brand new scars on her arms that look a lot like panther marks which she also wouldn’t explain, otherwise she looks really good. I think this little time with her family has been a good thing for her." She watched the queen absorb this like a sponge.

Gabrielle nodded. "Thanks.. it’s good to hear that. Not that I was worried...you know Xena. She’ll find a way out of almost any situation."

Ephiny grinned agreement. "That’s true. She’s pretty unique."

The bard grinned in agreement. "Among other things." She picked up the parchment packet and broke the seal, scanning the contents curiously. Then she read it again, and this time a slow smile crossed her face. The treaty had been amended in a few pretty funny places, and added an addendum about protecting Potedeia for an extra few dinars. And the sign off... written in a dialect the warrior knew darn well only she’d be able to read. And she said she didn’t like sappy stuff. She traced the words with a fingertip. A giggle, inappropriate to the seriousness of the situation, forced itself to the surface. "Sorry. She’s pretty funny here." She glanced up at Ephiny, who was watching her face with an air of weary amusement. Then on to the second parchment, which made her burst out laughing. "Oh.. that’s good." She read the last paragraph to Ephiny, who found the strength to chuckle as well. "I wish.."

Ephiny looked up when the bard’s voice fell silent. The queen was turning the parchment over in her hands. "Gabrielle.." she said, hesitantly.

"Yeah." The green eyes looked up and blinked. "Anyway, I’m glad you made it back safely." She managed a reassuring smile. "Why don’t you go get some sleep - you look pretty wiped out."

The Amazon heaved herself to her feet. "I am." She sighed, "Hard sleeping with one eye open, although.." she mused "I noticed little Cait keeping a pretty tight eye on me. " She gave the bard a sly grin. "I think a certain overprotective friend of yours might have given her some private instructions."

Gabrielle considered this a moment, then laughed softly. "Xena doesn’t like leaving things to chance." And I wish I had her overprotective arms around me right now. "So I wouldn’t be surprised."

"G’night’ Ephiny sighed, and gave her a little wave. "And try to get some sleep yourself, OK?" She gave her a mock glare, and left, shaking her head.

"Yeah, sure." The bard muttered, sitting down on the bed and looking down at the parchment still clutched in one hand. She read it through a few times, lips twitching as she imagined the words, complete with intonation, coming from Xena. Especially that last bit, because she could hear in her mind the deliberate drop in pitch, and the faint growling tone that would go with it. Two weeks until the full moon. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

She lay down flat on the bed, and stared moodily at the ceiling. I’m tired. I’m really tired, and really exasperated, and I just want to...gods. She closed her eyes, and focused every bit of that wanting on it’s subject, putting all her energy into the sending. Xena... I know you can’t hear me. I know only the dead can hear our thoughts. But I don’t know what else to do, so I’m going to pretend that you can. Please. I need you.

Then fitfully, she dropped into sleep, waking only when the worst of her dreams, the old familiar nightmare of Xena dying, taking half her soul with her and leaving emptiness behind grabbed her, and tossed her up into a waking world, where the past and the present melded and left her not knowing if it was a dream. She sat bolt upright, heart pounding, taking in her surroundings with a sinking heart. Until a rustle of parchment made her look down at the sheet clenched in her fist. Until her eyes took in the words and made her remember that this was now, and Xena was very much alive, and she was here to help straighten out the Amazons, not because she had no better option.

"Oh gods." She said aloud, waiting for her heartbeat to settle down. Ok...ok.. deep breaths…C’mon, Gabrielle, it was just a dream, you’re not a kid anymore. Shuddering, she got up, and walked over to the pitcher on her desk, pouring a glassful of water and drinking it in long gulps. Then carefully, precisely, she set the glass down, sank into the chair, and put her head in her hands. Oh well.. almost dawn anyway. Her brain mused foggily. Guess a cold dunk in the water couldn’t do any harm.

Amphipolis - Same evening...

"Xena." Cyrene called, softly, then reached out and touched her daughter’s hand. The warrior had stopped in the middle of chewing, and was sitting silent, with an absorbed expression on her face.

"Hmm?" Xena started, shaking her head a little to clear it. "Uh, sorry." She put down her fork and sat back a minute, taking a deep breath. What was that??? Gods... I think there’s something really wrong with me. I’ve been doing this all night.

Cyrene leaned closer to her. "What’s up with you?" she whispered, concern now audible in her voice. "that’s the second time tonight you’ve just gone out on me."

"I...don’t know." Xena admitted, shaking her head slowly. "I just keep getting the feeling that something’s wrong somewhere."

"Is it Gabrielle?" Cyrene asked, rubbing her thumb against the back of Xena’s hand.

The warrior didn’t even bother to try and dissemble. "I don’t know." she answered, staring ahead, to where Toris was moving back towards the table with another glass of ale.

Toris saw the look on her face when he approached, and quickly settled back at her side. "What is it?" He flicked a quick glance at Cyrene, who gave him a little shrug. "What’s wrong?"

"Listen, I think I’m just tired." The warrior said, pushing back from the table, and standing. "I’m going to go relax for a while." She gripped her mother’s shoulder, and gave Toris’ head a pat. "Have fun." She left the tavern, and walked out into the cool night air, which was heavy with the thick smell of rain. Far off, she heard the rumble of thunder, the quick flash of lightning on the horizon.

A deep breath did nothing to dispel the sense of panic she’d been feeling for the last few hours, a feeling without obvious cause, but which was as real as any she’d ever felt. Was it Gabrielle? Admitting that meant admitting that Jessan was, in all probability, right, and they shared a connection that she wasn’t sure she understood. Or was this just her own imagination, working over the incident with Erika and Ephiny’s unease?

Funny... I’ve always trusted my instincts before. She mused silently, leaning on the hitch rail in front of the tavern. She heard the door open behind her, and turned as Cyrene came up beside her, and also leaned against the rail.

"Still worried?" Cyrene asked, glancing up at her. Not really needing to ask. Feeling the tension almost radiating from the tall form next to her.

"I can’t shake this." The warrior answered, staring pensively into the darkness. "It’s twisting my gut up into knots." She shook her head as if to clear it. "It’s nothing solid, just...this sinking feeling. "

Cyrene bit her lip a minute, then put a hand on the arm next to hers. "Xena... sometimes our minds, and our hearts try to tell us things that we’re not really ready to listen to. " She met the startled gaze evenly. "And I think you should listen."

Xena turned her gaze back out into the night. "I know that." She finally answered, in a low voice. "I’m just not sure if it’s telling me something I need to know, or something I just want to hear." She shook her head, and stood up. "But I don’t think I can risk not finding out."

Cyrene smiled. "You’re going."

"Yeah." Came the answer, as the warrior stood and turned towards the dimly seen barn.

"Be careful." Her mother warned, reaching out and giving her a quick hug.

Xena nodded. "I will." And moved purposefully down the path, and through the door, shutting it behind her. Now that the decision was made, her movements turned deliberate and decisive. Shucking her tunic, she traded linen for leather, and buckled the shoulder straps with smooth precision. Lifting her shoulder armor, she ducked her head into it, settling the plates with a soft chime of metal on metal, clipping the retaining buckles into place with a satisfying snick.

She walked over to Argo, flipping a saddle blanket over her shoulders as she raised her head, already restive, knowing that arming for what it was. Cinching the blanket, then lifting her saddle off the stall divider, and settling on the horse’s back, tightening the girth with one smooth practiced tug. Sliding the bridle over her head, tucking her ears under the headstall and pushing her forelock through the strapping. Buckling the chin strap and easing the bit into her mouth. "Easy girl" She murmured. "Come on." Kicking the door open. "Back, now." Moving out of the way as Argo obediently backed out of the stall, and followed her towards the door.

Xena grabbed her bracers, and sat down briefly to buckle on her leg armor, stamping both booted feet to settle the protective grieves. She looked up as the door opened, and her mother poked her head in. "Just about ready." she said, standing up and reaching behind her to clip her sword sheath into it’s buckles, and settling the chakram at her waist.

"So I see." Cyrene breathed. "You look a lot...bigger... when you wear all that." She said, moving inside the barn, and reaching out one hand to touch the gleaming armor plates.

Xena looked down at her, with an affectionately amused grin. "Like I’m not big enough already." she remarked. "Looks like I’m going to get wet tonight, on top of everything else." A supply bag went across the mare’s withers, buckled to one of the extra saddle rings.

"Here." Cyrene said, handing her a packet. "I doubt you’ll have a chance to stop and eat."

Xena laughed. "Mother." she said, but took the packet, and gave her a quick hug. "Thanks. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." Cyrene said, obediently. "And do me a favor?"

Xena glanced at her, raising an eyebrow. "If I can, sure."

"Bring Gabrielle back here with you." Cyrene said, laying a hand on her arm. "I want to get to know her."

The warrior took a deep breath, then released it. "All right." Smart, Xena -you get the two of them together, and you’re dead. Oh well. "I will." she promised, and lead Argo out the door, mounting in one smooth movement, and turning her head to the road.

Amazon village, that same night...

Erika strode impatiently into Arella’s quarters, startling the tall redhead. "No go." the dark haired woman spat. "And let me tell you something, you’d better think twice about that challenge."

Arella, looked up from the map she was studying, and cocked her head. "First off, welcome home." She said, walking over and giving the smaller woman a hug. "Second, it was worth a try, don’t feel bad." She smiled. "I made some progress here, though damn, that woman is tough." Her brow creased. "Now, what’s this about the challenge?"

Erika sat down with a thump, resting her forearms on her knees. "What a week in Hades. The way out there was nerve-wracking. That Ephiny and her damned eyes. Then we get there, and sure enough, our little queen is right. As you suspected." she sighed wearily. Arella walked over to her small table, and poured a tall glass of crimson liquid into a glass, and handed it to Erika, crouching down next to her, and patting her knee.

"Thanks." she accepted the glass, and took a sip. "OH.. that’s good." She rested her head on the glass for a moment. "So, anyway - I spotted Xena taking off into the forest late that night. I followed...wanted to know what she was up to. And my gods...Arella, what I saw wasn’t human. She shouldn’t have been able to do the things I saw her do."

Arella tired of crouching, and sat down in front of Erika cross legged. "What do you mean?" She propped her chin on her hand. "I don’t understand."

Erika shook her dark head. "She did... I don’t know, sword drills, I guess. But she did them so fast I couldn’t make out the blade, Ari. And then she started doing them while doing flips, and in the air maneuvers...she would just...Look, just don’t, OK? I know you’re really good, Ari, really good - but this wasn’t just good. It was something beyond."

Arella chewed on her lip thoughtfully. "I could challenge now...she won’t be able to get here in time."

"Won’t work, you know that. She’s a named champion. They’ll make you wait." Erika replied, flicking a lock of hair out of Arella’s eyes.

Arella sighed. "Well, then we have to prevent her from getting here at all." She glanced up at Erika’s startled face. "Listen, I tried and tried to get through to our so called queen. She’s absolutely determined to follow her course of running us into the ground. Every turn I make she counters. Every rumor I stew up she squashes. I swear, the woman is..." She shook her head. "Anyway, she concluded a treaty with both of the northern villages, and that tears it. They’ve started putting homesteads in the northern woods." She gripped her temples. "I don’t understand why I can’t make her see what she’s doing to us. She doesn’t understand what we are, Rika. She thinks we’re farmers, or something . After her living with Xena for two years, you’d think she’d get a clue as to what makes a warrior. I guess not. Maybe she thinks she can change Xena like that too."

Erika gently massaged the burly shoulder next to her. "I know. But let me tell you, that fire runs very deep - she doesn’t know what she’s playing with there. " She grinned wryly. "Anyway, so I wait until Xena’s finished with this impossible display of technical talent, and then I realize Ephiny’s followed her out there too. A perfect opportunity I think...so I get behind them. They’re talking, see.." she wove the tale, aware of Arella’s appreciative eyes. "Because Xena heard her too, though gods know Ephiny’s not a bad tracker, and got behind her. Startled her, too, it was kind of funny to watch. So they’re talking, and I get my crossbow cocked, and then I realize Xena heard that. I swear, that woman has the ears of a wolf, Ari, my crossbow mech is quieter than two blades of grass rubbing, you know that. So I see her go real still... and I figure, well, you were right - if the stories are true, she can dodge my quarrels. So I shoot. And, damned if she doesn’t move out of the way."

Arella leaned forward. "You missed???? I don’t believe it.!"

"No!" Erika threw up her hands in disgust. "the damned woman catches the damned crossbow quarrels! Out of mid air! And believe me, I had to take a minute to drag my jaw back into place before I took off out of there." She took a long sip of the wine. "Ari, she scares me." She looked into Arella’s eyes. "She really does. I got to have dinner with her, and I couldn’t look her in the eyes for more than a second. She’s so intense."

Arella looked thoughtful. "As long as she’s alive, we’re trapped, Rika. She looked grim. "As long as she’s Gabrielle’s champion, then it’s Gabrielle’s rules we live by. I can’t live with that. I’m no farmer, and as a people, we’ll die without the need for fighting. You know that. We’ll become just another group of villagers. Do you want that? I don’t. I can’t live with it. I have the taste of battle on my tongue... and I can’t give that up. So I guess I have to put my body where my beliefs are. She glanced at the floor. "Is she coming here?"

"I think so." Erika said. "I think Gabrielle asked her to, in that note Ephiny was carrying." She grimaced. "And, Ari...whatever else...there’s something between them. Xena’s a hard read at the best of times, but even she couldn’t keep from reacting to whatever was in that note."

Arella nodded. "Then we have to stop her. At the mountain pass. If we put enough of us there, we can catch her off guard, and I don’t care if she’s Ares himself, she won’t be able to fight off all of us." She looked up, and into Erika’s eyes. "This is my own destiny, Rika. And if I have to take on Xena, then that’s what I have to do. Our heritage is too important to lose."

Slowly, Erika nodded. "All right. I’m with you. We all are - none of us wants to be dirt grubbers for the rest of our lives. And I don’t want any daughters I have growing up like that either."

"I’ll gather us up." Arella said, stroking her cheek. "You get some sleep. You look like Hades." She walked to the door, thinking An ambush...that would work. And she’d stir up some trouble with the damned centaurs to keep everyone’s attention of what was going on in the pass. If she knew Gabrielle, and she was beginning to think she did, the woman would jump to the centaurs defense. And maybe, just maybe, she could use that betrayal of Amazon interests to drive a final wedge between the stubborn queen and her people. I feel...sorry for her. she mused, staring off into the darkness of the forest. Because she doesn’t understand just how strong this need of ours is...she has no experience with it. How does Xena put up with that, I wonder? It’s kind of sad...little Gabrielle with her morals - determined to reform the old warlord. Silly...doesn’t she see she has no chance? I guess not... because she’s sure trying it with us. Well, little Gabrielle, I’m afraid you’re not going to have your chance at reforming your friend, because I can’t let her live. She’s too dangerous to us. Pity... because she’d make one damned fine ally. Better than you, at any rate.

Somewhere between Amphipolis and Amazon country, later that night...

The only sound in the air was Argo’s steady hoofbeats, at a ground eating canter that almost lulled her rider into a half sleep. Xena’s mind was racing, though, and the steady sense of unease in her gut kept her triggered. Jessan’s words kept echoing in her head, keeping her company the weary miles before the mountains. Gods... what if he’s right...the thought gnawed at her. Admit it. He is. He can see what’s going on, but you can feel it, you know you can. You have for a long, long time now. You always know when she’s in trouble. She reached down and took a long pull from the waterskin, then set it back into place. What if I’m too late? The thought struck terror in her gut. Damn... it’s too far. I should have gone that night. I knew I should have. I waited because she said she needed more time...but my gut was telling me to go. I should have listened. Now...she closed her eyes and gripped Argo’s mane for support, hearing a snort from the running mare. if... something happens to her because I was stupid and didn’t listen to my own long, long tested instincts...I won’t survive it. I can feel that, lurking in my gut, too. I had one taste of it, back in that healing temple. She’s stronger than I am, that way. I wonder if she realizes that? She would have recovered after I died, would have gone on, continued her life. I won’t.

The miles slipped by, until she came to the road turning that curved around the mountains, and pulled Argo up, resting the sweating mare, and thinking hard. The road lead around the long way, but to go over the mountains was lunacy. She thought about the crags above her, and then about the price. "Come on, Argo. You’ll go with me as long as you can." she whispered to the mare, and turned her off the road.

They moved through the shadows of the trees, following her sense of direction, passing silent cots deep in the forest, past sleeping beasts startled by Argo’s hooves, and sensing the quiet hunters which, perhaps deferring to their scent, slunk out of their path.

Two streams, forded with ease, and a river, which Argo swam in snorting protest, and Xena waded, and then they were in scrublands, where she had to watch Argo’s footfalls. Dawn caught them as they crossed another river, and Xena paused to rest the lathered mare. "I know, girl. I know. This is rough." she murmured into a flicking ear. She rinsed off a square of linen, and wiped the lather off Argo’s flanks, letting her graze for a short while, and breaking into her mother’s packet.

Off again, this time trotting across rising grasslands, as the mountains which separated Amazon country came into view. The weather was worsening, dark clouds piling across the peaks of the mountains, and the wind, which had been blowing steadily since the dawn changing fitfully every short while, and causing the mare to fidget. "Easy, Argo. I see em" She kneed the mare forward, wanting to get to a place of safety, since Argo, at least, would not travel in the kind of storm that was fast developing. But I will.The anxious feeling in her gut had gotten worse, building with every mile she moved towards the mountains. That, more than anything else, sparked her to keep traveling with an urgency that would not be denied.

At last, she crossed the last of the grass, and the long rolling foothills, and the mountain loomed over her. The thunder was getting louder and closer, and Argo was getting nervous, her ears plastered back on her head, and her nostrils flared. "Come on, just a little further." Xena coaxed her, feeling the first drops of rain touching her back. They rode around a tall crag, and Xena pulled the mare up short, her heart sinking. So. Here was why everyone used the road. Ahead of her was a sheer escarpment, running off into the distance, as far as her eyes could follow it. No path up, no path around. "Damn." That single word echoed off the rocks, mocking her.

She rode Argo to the foot of the escarpment, and glared at it. To double back now meant a days lost traveling time. At the top of the escarpment, she remembered, the road itself looped lazily, bringing itself through the high pass, and down into Amazon territory.

Xena swung down off the mare, and walked to the edge of the cliff, staring up. Most of the surface was sheer and unbroken, without hand or footholds. I can’t climb this. Her eyes studied it, and balanced it against the aching pull in her guts. Or am I stubborn and stupid enough to try? In the rain? In the coming dark? She closed her eyes, and tentatively explored the nerve wracked fear assaulting her...fear, she realized, with a sudden startling clarity, that truly wasn’t her own. That had a familiar flavor, that woke images in her mind of the short time she had spent in control of Gabrielle’s body. When she fought Velasca. Oh gods... she glanced up. "Yeah, I am that stupid."

She looked around, spotting a protected rock outcropping, and led the mare over to it. "Sorry to do this to you, Argo... but I have no choice." She stripped the mare of her tack, and tucked it neatly away under the outcropping. Then she took what essentials she needed from the saddlebags, and using one as a backpack, settled them on her own shoulders. Lastly, she grasped the mare’s face in her hands, and looked her in the eye, letting her lips brush the downy soft skin of her nose. "Be good, Argo. And if I do something really dumb up there, and don’t come back, well... take care of yourself, all right?." The mare whickered, nuzzling her. "Yeah, I love you too." she said softly, hugging her neck.

She walked to the wall, took several deep breaths, rubbed her hands on her leathers, and started looking for a place to climb.

Amazon village, next morning.

Ephiny rolled over, blinking blearily into the sunlight pouring into her quarters. Cursing, she sat bolt upright, and started scrambling out of her bed, rattled at having slept so late.

"Ah..ah..ah.." Solari said, wagging a finger at her. "Queen’s orders. You sleep." She pushed Ephiny back into her bed with one strong hand. "And I’m not going to argue with her. She’s in some kind of mood this morning."

Ephiny sighed and let her head drop, stifling a yawn. "OK... OK...." She smiled. "Is everything all right??"

Solari waggled her hand. "All’s quiet so far today. Arella’s sent a big bunch of her lot out on an extended hunting expedition, so that’s a good thing. At least we won’t have them underfoot." She gave Ephiny a sly grin. "And it looks like rain, so I wish the best to them."

Ephiny grunted in amusement, letting her body relax back onto the bed. "That’s good." she said idly. "Maybe we’ll have a quiet day for a change. A rumble of distant thunder vibrated in her ears. "On second thought, maybe not."

"That’s coming in over the mountain." Solari commented, I feel sorry for anyone caught out in it. The wind’s picking up something fierce." She watched as Ephiny let her eyes close again. "That’s better." she chuckled, as she left the hut, and walked towards the dining hall, feeling the wind whip her hair in what seemed like two directions at once. "Oh yeah.." she muttered to no one in particular. "this is going to be evil."

"What is??" Granella asked, falling into step next to her. "Oh, the weather?" she shrugged. "Good day for sleeping in." With a sly poke at Solari. "Which is where Eph is, I assume?"

"At my orders." Came Gabrielle’s voice behind them. They turned to see the queen moving up the path, a somewhat grim look on her face. "Good morning, by the way." she added, with a friendlier look. They continued on to the dining hall, where most of the village was already seated. Gabrielle went up to take her usual place at the head table.

"Gods, she looks twitchy today." Solari muttered in an undertone to Granella. "I wonder what’s up?"

The bard sat down, surveying the room. Noticing the missing Amazons, and mentally counting. Twenty people for a hunting party? Her brow creased. If they were successful, they’d have enough game to last weeks. Maybe that was Arella’s idea...or maybe she thought her bunch were getting a little slap happy, and she though this was a good way to diffuse tension. Gabrielle liked that idea, and it even made her feel a little better about her chief nemesis. A little. But not much, because sure enough, here she came for her usual morning debate.

"Good morning, my queen." Arella greeted her, raising an eyebrow at the chair next to the bard, and receiving a little wave of her hand towards it. "Thanks." She seated herself, and murmured to the Amazon who came over with a pitcher of herbal tea. "Wind’s rising" She commented to Gabrielle.

"That’s true." The bard answered, trying to concentrate on her porridge. She had a sudden overwhelming wave of nostalgia for one of Xena’s odds and ends breakfasts, which, though unpredictable, were always tastier than this. "Is the hunting party going to be all right out in this weather?" More for something to say than because she was really curious.

"Sure" Arella reassured her. "There are boltholes throughout the hunting territory where they can take shelter." She took a bowl of the porridge from a server, and liberally poured honey into it. "Have you tried this in your breakfast?" she inquired, holding out the jar with a friendly grin. She knew by now that Gabrielle was not a morning person, and it was the best time to annoy her. In a nice sort of way.

The bard looked up, and grimaced. "Arella, I’ve tried every possible thing in this stuff, and it still tastes like ground up leather bits." She gave her a glance. "But thanks for asking." She took a long sip of tea to wash down the stuff, and gazed across the room. "Did we really need 20 people for a hunting party though?" She flashed a quick glance at Arella’s face, seeing the eyes go wary.

Well, well...so green eyes is more observant than I thought. "Well, we’re going after big game this time " And isn’t that the truth? I’m going to enjoy presenting the fruit of our hunt to you, my queen. "And the more people you send out when you do that, the safer they are." There, argue with that, storyteller.

Gabrielle cocked her head, and regarded her, those damnable eyes picking up her slightest reactions. "OK, if you say so." she answered, mildly. What is she up to now? A growing sense of unease made the thought of any more porridge unfeasible. "Well, that’s enough for me." she said in a normal voice, and pushed back her chair to stand up.

Arella stood up with her, and gave a nod of her head. "Careful of the weather, my queen - there’s a bad storm brewing... you don’t want to get caught out in it." Now, what made me say that? Do I still have a sneaking liking for this woman? I think I might. Pity.

Gabrielle leaned forward, and caught her gaze, surprising the redhead. The green eyes seemed especially intense, as she leaned even closer, and refused to release her for a very long moment. Then.. "Thanks for your concern, Arella. But storms and I are old acquaintances. It takes more than that to scare me off." And then she did a scary thing. For no reason that Arella could see, the queen smiled right into her eyes. Then she backed off, and left the table, and only then did Arella notice the new addition to the queen’s garb. A leather sheath, well worn, holding a finely crafted dagger, whose hilts were knicked by a dozen deflected sword strokes, and marked by a round distinctive seal

So. Arella thought, watching the queen stride out of the dining hall. So...she dons steel at last. And just where did she get that lovely, lovely piece of work? That’s no showpiece. That’s a killing blade, if I’ve ever seen one. Huh. Only one place that could have come from...I wonder... I better send word out to the Pass for them to be on their toes. And I’d better get my diversion started. She got out of her chair again and walked quickly to the door, almost colliding with Erika who was just coming in. "Watch it." she said, sliding past her.

"Hold on." Erika said, pulling her aside. "Did you see what she’s wearing?" She kept her voice low.

"Yeah, nice piece of work. Why?" Arella answered, keeping her voice down as well.

"You know whose that is?" the dark haired amazon hissed.

"Relax." the redhead soothed. "Yeah, I figured that out. I was about to send someone to the Pass. You up for it?"

"I’m gone." Erika said, ducking out of the door.

So. The tall Amazon mused. You like storms, do you, Gabrielle? All right. I’ll give you a storm. She strode across the middle ground, collecting a few of her favorites with a glance. They casually crossed over to meet her as she arrived in front of her quarters.

On the escarpment, in the rain...

At least twice an hour, Xena was convinced she had gone totally out of her mind. Just don’t look down. she kept reminding herself. Cautiously, she freed one hand grip, and reached above her for a new one, finding a bare crack to curl her fingertips into. Gaining a secure hold, she shifted her weight, and reached up with her other hand. For aching hours, one hold after another, she’d made her way up the sheer wall, mostly without incident, but there were several close calls, and one slip, which was very painful until she reached out and grabbed for a hold. And got lucky.

Two places where she could brace her back against the wall, and take a breather, for water, and to rest her arms and hands. Stubborn, huh? Oh yeah, am I ever. I gotta be nuts. She reminded herself once again, as she found her other hand hold, and lifted herself up, catching a foothold on a lower rock and moving further up the wall. If she had looked down, she would have seen that she was halfway, an unbelievable climb in wind and weather, and lack of sleep. But she didn’t look down. Down wasn’t important. Up was important. And up right now was an overhang, which was looking impossible to get over. But at the worst of times, it only took a moment of letting that cold nervous feeling that wasn’t hers surface, and somehow, she found a way.

I am going to do this. Her mind said, fiercely. I said if all the legions of Hades were between us, that wouldn’t stop me. What’s a little mountain? Move, Xena, before you get hit by one of those lightning bolts. She spotted a gnarled root extending from above the overhang, and stared at it. Let’s just see how stubborn I really am. She gathered herself, and sprang forward, releasing all her holds at once, and relying on just momentum, and her hand strength to save her.

It did, to her mild surprise, as she grabbed the root, and hung on, waiting for her body to stop swinging so she could pull herself up. And over, onto a tiny ledge, which gave her a moments respite. The wind cascaded around her, lashing her with rain from the lowering clouds. She sat quietly, letting the stinging water revive her. OK, let’s go.

The Amazon Village - midmorning...

"So, you’re up." Gabrielle said, as Ephiny walked into her quarters, looking rested, if still a bit sleepy.

"Mmm." Ephiny responded, then glanced at her. "So, I see you have a new adornment." She jerked her chin at the knife hanging from the queen’s belt.

"Yeah." the bard answered, absorbed in a treaty scroll. "I’ve been telling everyone that Xena found out I didn’t have a parchment opener, and this was her way of taking care of that little problem."

Ephiny snorted in laughter. "Really?"

"Yeah." Gabrielle answered, letting a weary grin cross her face. "It makes a good story."

She finished scribbling some notes on the treaty, and sat back, wincing at the stiffness in her back. Too much sitting around does that to you. Isn’t that what Xena always says? Gods, I hate when she’s always right. And how would she know? When does she ever sit still for more than an hour or so? She laughed to herself. Wonder what she’s up to right now? Probably whacking poor defenseless villagers with a staff, I bet.

They both looked up at a sudden commotion outside.

The escarpment...

Xena was in real trouble, this time. She had two decent handholds, but the rock she had been using as a foothold had cracked out from under her, and left her hanging, with no possibility of getting another grip. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore her strained breathing, the stinging rain, and the fiery ache in her shoulders. Well...now what? Her mind panted. She looked up, Nothing. A sheer wall, with no breaks in it. To her left, was a cleft, but there were no sure holds there, either. And above this section...she gritted her teeth. One last ledge, and she was at the top. So. Does it stop here? She took the chance and glanced down, barely able to make out the general shape of the forest below, let alone individual trees. Oh.. that’ll be deadly. Yep. I’ve come this far, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to just let go and die here. She looked up again, giving her head a quick shake to get the wet hair out of her eyes, and concentrating on the cleft.

One chance. One reliance on her ability to move her body through the air with precision. After a day and a half of non stop traveling. And in the rain. And...damn. I can do this. She closed her eyes, and centered herself, reaching down deep, and calling up reserves of strength. And of confidence. And, it was simple, really, just a winding up of the body, and a release, and...

And she was there, and had both feet in a secure hold, and could rest her screaming arms. Oh boy. I’m going to pay big time for this. But she didn’t care, because right above her was that last ledge, and before she had time to think about what she was doing, she leaped for it, and twisted in mid air, and there she was. Just like that. Like Ares had stepped out from behind a tree, and sprinkled her with dust. Whoa. She rested there for a few minutes, breathing hard, and pressing her body against the cold stone, to leach some of the trembling heat from her.

Then she stood, and hopped over the last rock, and there, before her, was the road. Gently winding up to the pass, which she could just make out through the trees. Sighing, she just stood on the side of the path, and let the now pouring rain run over her, rinsing off the rock dust, and rinsing away her fatigue. Then a wave of sudden fear almost took her knees out from under her, and when she could stand without shaking, she broke into a steady run, and headed for the pass.

The Amazon Village...

"Centaurs!" Came the yell from the middle ground, and both Ephiny and Gabrielle jumped to their feet, and headed for the door. Arella was striding across to meet them, holding a crossbow. "It’s happened." She spat, throwing the crossbow down at their feet. "Tell me that’s a mistake, then. Three arrows in one of our scouts, and from that bow."

Ephiny glanced at it. Centaur, no doubt there. "Maybe there was a mistake." she said quietly, tensely.

Arella laughed. "Yeah, our mistake, in trusting them. Look, if you want to have a chit chat with them, go ahead. I’m taking a force in. "

And she was gone, and they were looking at each other, as Arella’s forces moved out at a trot, leaving behind a bewildered group of Amazons.

"They can’t do that." Gabrielle fumed. "We have to stop them." She ducked back into her quarters for her staff, and took off after them, but Ephiny grabbed her.

"Just where do you think you’re going?" She yelled, pulling the bard to a halt. Not as easy as she had expected, though, and she found herself being dragged a few steps. "Gabrielle!"

The bard whirled on her. "I’m going to stop Arella. What does it look like? Does anyone else here want to go?" Her green eyes flashed, and there was a fire about her that Ephiny had never seen before. "Let me go." she growled at Ephiny.

"All right.. all right.." Ephiny yelled. "Let me get my weapons, for the sake of the gods, Gabrielle, you can’t do down there alone. Don’t be crazy!" She pelted for her quarters, being joined in a run by Granella and Solari, and a few others who now started moving.

Gabrielle didn’t wait. She had marked the direction Arella’s group was moving in, and took off after them, running lightly, and keeping her staff out in front of her. After a moment, she realized someone was shadowing her, and turned her head. "Cait! Go back!" she said, startled.

The blond girl kept pace, and shook her head. "It’s all right."

"NO.." the bard snapped, stopping, and grabbing her shoulders. "You’re just a girl, Cait - you don’t belong in this."

Cait reached out and touched her, meeting her eyes. "You’re wrong... it’s you who doesn’t belong." She drew her own knife, and met Gabrielle’s eyes, letting through in her gaze what she thought of as her true self. And saw, not a cringe, but a recognition dawn in the bards eyes. Who had seen that look before. And knew it’s source.

Gabrielle took a deep breath, then sighed. "Come on." she said, quietly, and started running again, Cait at her shoulder.

The Pass...

Xena loped up the path, keeping a steady fast pace up the trail. Before her was the pass, and after that, it was downhill to the village, and she knew she could make some real time there. She was just inside the inner pass wall when her senses came full alert, and before she had time to think, long honed reactions had her sword out in her hand.

Because a net dropped over her head, and only the slimmest chance kept the sword upmost, and it sliced through the hemp like butter as she whirled, and the netting settled around her broad shoulders.

A quick bouncing jump, and it cleared her legs, and then she was under a dozen bodies, and being borne down to the ground. But as her hand hit the earth, she coiled under the weight, and pushed back up, tossing bodies off. A sharp pain in her back was a knife, she knew, and she reached around with her left hand and got a grip on fabric, and pulled with all the power she had in that arm. The pain stopped, and a body hurtled over her head and thudded onto the ground.

Now she could see her assailants. Amazons. A burning fire woke inside her, and the next move was a sword slash, which caught one of them in the belly and nearly cut her in half. A quick elbow took out a second, and she heard bone crunch as she kicked at third into a tree. Another sword slash, and blood was flying, and she had an arm in her grasp, which she wrenched and heard a popping sound as the shoulder it was attached to dislocated.

A jump, and kick, and now there were only 10 facing her, and she whirled her sword, and laughed, and dared them to come at her. And the rain exploded in a deluge, as she bolted towards them, and they ran, and she caught two of them, and knocked their heads together with a sickening crack. And then she was alone on the path, chest heaving, blood now coloring the rain running off her back. And the fear rising in her made her heart pound even faster, and she took off running again.

The Centaur Village...

"This is chaos!" Gabrielle yelled, as she and Cait rounded the corner into the village, and found it a nightmare of blowing rain, and fighting centaurs and Amazons. She saw an Amazon about to fire a crossbow at a Centaur, and bolted forward, slamming her staff across the Amazon’s back and sending her to the ground. The Centaur looked at her, then nodded in recognition, and dashed off.

Oh gods... what am I doing here? She stopped thinking, and started reacting, as another Amazon came at her with blood in their eyes, and then she had dropped the staff, and was grappling with the woman, thanking the gods for every single second that Xena had patiently spent teaching her how to wrestle. She grabbed her opponents arm, and twisted it over her head, throwing the Amazon to the ground with a heavy thud. One down. She grabbed her staff and ran on, targeting another archer.

The Amazon Village...

"Oh, I don’t think so, Ephiny." Erika sneered, as she cocked her crossbow, and pinned Ephiny and her group to the wall with a line of crossbows. "Not this time. Now is our time. Just stay still... you won’t have to do a thing." She jerked her head at two of her subordinates. "Tie them up."

"Erika.." Ephiny started, but Erika turned suddenly, and cracked her across the jaw with the butt of her crossbow, tossing the woman back into the wall.

"Shut up." She grinned. "I’ve been wanting to say that to you for a long time." She watched as they were tied, hanging from a pole outside the dining hall. "And, when our ‘hunting’ party gets back, we can have them tell you all about the hunt..." she smiled. "You’ll love it. Do you know what the quarry was this time, Ephiny? Do you?"

Solari grimaced. "You’re itching to tell us, so why don’t you?" She spat. "You’ll never get away with this."

Erika chuckled. "Oh yeah, we will...because our hunting party was out for ex warlord...and you know what that means...our little queen has no champion. " She walked over, and poked Ephiny. "And so... we’ll have a new queen."

A high pitched whistling sound interrupted her. Ephiny heard it, and felt a wild hope jump in her chest. I know that sound....an impact thudded above her head, and then she felt her ropes give way, and she dropped to her knees in reaction, along with the rest of her group, but looked up and over their shoulders, to see, through the curtain of rain, and briefly highlighted by a nightmarish lightning bolt a fast moving, dark clad form bounding towards them.

Erika whirled, and her group brought up their weapons, but her eyes widened in recognition when another lightning bolt lit up the sky, and reflected off an upraised sword, and glinted out of a pair of ice blue eyes.

"Come on." Ephiny growled, and jumped forward. "She doesn’t have time to play with these idiots. Get them." And herself took out Erika, with a kick that lifted the dark haired Amazon up and tossed her into the growing mud lake. Her group fell to with a vengeance, and she headed for Xena, and grabbed hold of her armor, pulling the warrior to a stop.

"Centaur Village." She yelled, seeing comprehension dawn in those wild eyes. "I’ve got this here... for the love of the gods, GO!" She shoved Xena in the right direction, and picked up a staff, wading into the fight with a will.

Centaur Village...

Gabrielle ducked under a wildly thrown punch, and countered with a quick staff blow, then a second, and went on to the next fighter. Suddenly she saw her nightmare - a group of centaur children, backed against a tree, frightened. Her heart stopped, when she saw what was facing them.

Arella, face red with bloodlust, holding a sword already dripping with Centaur blood. She laughed, and advanced towards them, enjoying the fear in their eyes.

"No." Gabrielle breathed, and started running. She caught up to Arella as the woman was about to take a first swing at the eldest, who crouched in front of his charges, pale eyes wide and unbelieving. The bard braced herself, and swung, a short, powerful stroke that took Arella’s legs out at the knees, and dumped her on the ground.

She howled in rage, and bounced back up, this time facing her attacker. And laughed. "Ah...so you do have guts, after all. I wondered about that." She picked up a staff and sheathed her sword for the moment. "First, let me get that thing away from you. I have no desire to be dumped on my ass again." She swung forward, slamming her staff against Gabrielle’s expecting it to fly out of the bard’s hands.

"Sorry, Arella." the smaller woman breathed. "My usual sparring partner can do better than that."

Arella grunted, but then smiled. "Sorry, little bard, your usual sparring partner will be dead by now... because that’s what my hunting party was after." She smiled, seeing the change in Gabrielle’s face. "Yeah, that’s right... you’re all alone now...so drop the staff, before I mount you on it."

Was it possible? Gabrielle felt a sick feeling in her gut. Anything was. But..."What with.. .twenty Amazons?" She peeled her lips back in a grin. "You think that could stop her?" she laughed softly. "You have no idea." And she parried forward, knocking Arella’s staff out of position, and getting in a hit on her shoulder.

"Oh, I have a good idea." Arella growled, and came back, slamming her staff into the bard, and driving her back a step.

"No.. you don’t." Gabrielle panted, knocking that blow aside, and thrusting forward to catch the redhead in the knee. "You’re a coward. You didn’t dare challenge her, so you found another way to get what you so desperately want." And I so desperately don’t want. It would be funny if it wasn’t so dire.

A low growl was her only answer, and then the redhead moved forward with a fast series of attacks, driving Gabrielle back towards the Centaur children. But the bard was stubborn, and kept turning her blows aside, and countering with ones of her own. I can’t keep this up forever, though. Her mind whirled. I’m getting really tired. Then what? Hades.

Arella sensed her tiring, and bounded forward, at last getting the staff out of her hands. She whipped her weapon around, catching the bard across the head, and taking her down. She stepped over her, and raised her staff for a savage stab. And a small flying form drove against her, knocking her back, and making her stumble. She roared, and slammed a fist against a small blond head, smashing her against the nearby tree.

Gabrielle felt a red wash come over her vision, as she struggled to get up, and felt Cait’s form slide down the tree next to her. She shook her head to clear her vision, and then wished she didn’t. Because Arella was bracing herself, and cocking a Centaur crossbow. Oh...her mind went into shock. She’s going to kill me.

"That’s right, green eyes. " Arella said, getting the quarrel cocked. properly. "I am, and with a Centaur weapon, so we won’t have any more of these treaties, and peace, and good will. We’ll have war, and that’s what we want, Gabrielle... why can’t you understand that?"

"Because violence isn’t the way." She answered, rising up on her knees, and motioning the centaur children to keep down. They cowered around her, gazing up at her with frightened eyes. "Because there’s a better way to live."

"No." Arella answered, raising the bow. "You’re wrong. There is no better way, no better feeling than this." She aimed, expecting the queen to beg. Expecting her to flinch, or duck, or turn her head from the cruel arrowhead. But the eyes never turned from hers, never blinked, and she held that gaze as Arella’s finger tightened on the release, and squeezed.

#xena #xena warrior princess #xena/gabrielle #xena/gabrielle fanfiction #xwp #pg-13 #femslash #fanfiction #author: melissa good

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