#...this is kind of the inverse of that first thing i ever posted. of vampire logan domming roman. anyway.

[djs-horny-blog-lmao]

admin privileges

logince, sub logan dom roman. about 2.8k words.

hypnokink, dronification, d/s, brainwashing/programming, dubious consent/cnc. Logan is an android and Roman is a human. Logan's trans, kind of. has a robopussy. uses of 'sir' and 'admin' as titles. inappropriate use of ports.

summary: Logan agrees to let Roman help run his routine maintenance, especially as he has put off doing a proper, deep scan for a while. Roman... takes the opportunity to add some of his own programming, while he has a direct link to Logan's brain.

full fic under the cut ;]

=== === === ===

“Thank you for agreeing to do my maintenance,” Logan says from where he’s sitting on the bench, plugged into his power-port, blinking at his friend behind the desk.

Roman smiles at him.

“Of course,” he replies. “It must suck having to run your own diagnostics.”

He then types something into the computer, and Logan shifts, where he’s sitting, tracing the cables and cords that run from Roman’s computer into Logan’s plugs. He’s an android, and while he is capable of doing this himself, he’s left it a little too long, and when his battery gets low, he… slows down.

Roman offered to do it for him, today, and so Logan gets to just sit still, charging, watching the percentage metre on his UI slowly tick upwards, as diagnostic data rolls past on his periphery. Logan tunes it out, this time, though. He trusts Roman.

“The worst part is plugging yourself in,” he agrees.

Roman laughs a little, and reclines in his chair, looking over at Logan.

“How long does this usually take?”

Logan rubs the back of his neck, just below his synthetic blue hairline, careful not to dislodge the plug in the back of his neck.

“An hour or two,” he says. “I haven’t done a full scan in a while, purely because it takes so long. My impatience has not paid off, clearly.”

Roman snorts. “You hardly ever seem to unwind enough to sit still for that long,” he teases back. “…I can help with that, though, if you want?”

“What?”

“Help with passing the time,” Roman says innocently enough. “While we wait for the scan.”

Logan blinks at him again. “…That is what you’re here for.”

And Roman grins.

“Good,” he says. “Trust me, Logan.”

Logan frowns, and as Roman types something more, and something suddenly feels different about how Logan perceives the world, he goes to stand, trying to be mindful not to unplug himself.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Roman tuts, barely glancing up from his monitors. “Sit down, Logan. You don’t want to yank out your cables.”

Logan… does as he’s told. That surprises him. He sits back down, his processor barely seeming to do little more than… let the order pass through and be accepted.

“…What?” Logan asks. “What just happened?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Roman says, typing more intensely, and suddenly, Logan wonders if he should be concerned that he asked a coder as good as Roman to oversee his maintenance. “Just sit there, Logan, and talk to me. We’re just going to sit here together while the scan goes through.”

But… Logan just nods, despite himself, and some of the concern melts away. He won’t worry about it, then.

“Okay,” he says.

“Good,” Roman says, and shoots Logan a pretty smile. “Thank you, Logan.”

Logan shifts a little again, biting his lip as his fan whines away quietly, starting to work a little harder.

“Are you alright, Logan?” Roman asks, tilting his head, pausing his typing, looking at Logan like he’s waiting for something in specific to happen.

Logan shivers, before he touches his outer thigh, his side, his spine (as best he can) and, importantly, the power cord plugged into the back of his neck to check he didn’t dislodge any of the cables.

“I think so,” he says. “I… feel strange.”

“Well, it must be because you’ve put off doing a proper scan,” Roman tells him, and Logan purses his lips and nods along, it’s a good point. “No wonder you’d be feeling funny.”

Funny. That’s a good word for it. Logan’s lips tweak into a smile.

“That’s a very human way of putting it,” he muses. “Funny…”

“Yeah,” Roman nods. “It’s a good word for when you can’t quite describe something. Especially when you’ve never quite felt anything like it before.”

“Funny,” Logan echoes, before he shivers again. “I… I do feel funny.”

“Well, then,” Roman says, turning back to the screens and typing some more. “That’s strange, isn’t it? What does it feel like?”

Logan frowns into space as that feeling… grows. It sands down the edges of his mind, softening everything, making it a little harder to think. If he was able to pay attention to it, Logan might have noticed that the diagnostic data in the corner of his UI was giving him different read-outs than usual. Logan doesn’t notice, though.

“It…” his voice is so soft, the synthesizer is much more pronounced. “It feels like static. Warm static.”

“Does it feel nice?” Roman asks, glancing up from his screens.

Logan stares ahead for a little longer before replying, genuinely evaluating the way the fuzz makes him feel. But the longer he sits there, the more it builds, and… the warmer and more comfortable it gets.

Eventually, Logan actually smiles, and replies, “…yes, it does.”

“That’s good,” Roman says. “That’s wonderful. Sink into it, Logan.”

“…Hm?” Logan blinks a few times, trying to grasp a thought as Roman’s words sit a little funny with him.

“You can sink into it,” Roman encourages again, and the sound of Roman’s fingers flying over the keys hits Logan’s audio-processors, and it’s… oddly soothing. “You should. It feels good, it’s a reward, Logan, for letting me do your maintenance.”

“Oh,” Logan says, before he slumps a little, letting himself smile again. “Okay.”

His optics drift closed, now, slowly, his UI dimming, and Roman stands up as he realises something, and Logan watches Roman cross the room, approach, and…

Roman pulls out his power cord.

“But…” Logan says hazily, as the low battery alert pops up on his UI. “I… I’m only at fifteen percent, Roman.”

“That’s okay,” Roman says, and… he touches Logan. He runs his finger around the rim of Logan’s power plug, and Logan gasps. “That’s okay, Logan. You said you feel slow and fuzzy on low battery. I think that’s a nice place to be, especially while you have lots of time to wait. Don’t worry, I’ll plug you in before your battery goes fully dead.”

Logan wants to reply, maybe even to argue, but his full attention is on Roman’s fingertip, running circles around his port.

“Does this feel good, Logan?” Roman asks him. “Does this feel funny?”

Logan nods as best he can without moving too much to dislodge Roman’s hand. His mouth is hanging open. His fans are whirring. His eyes usually glow – they’re dimmed now, for being in power saving mode.

“God, you look so good on low battery,” Roman says hungrily. “I was reading up about your model, Logan. You have all the sensory receptors a human would. A feat of engineering. You can feel the same emotions. The same pain.”

The finger keeps circling.

“The same pleasure,” Roman says, his voice soft and lulling. “And your mind is just as malleable. Even more so, when you let me in like this.”

Logan whimpers. He hasn’t tested the full capabilities of his pleasure sensors yet.

“Roman,” he manages to say. It comes out with a harsher, synthetic edge.

“God, you sound so good like that,” Roman murmurs, and he leans in and licks Logan’s cheek. It makes the android shudder. “Has anyone ever done this to you, Logan?”

“No,” Logan says honestly, his head tipping back against Roman’s arm. “H-hah…”

“Do you know what’s going on, Logan?” Roman asks.

“N-no…”

“I’m programming you,” Roman tells him.

Logan stares up at Roman’s face through half-lidded, non-understanding eyes.

“…Hm?”

“Programming you,” Roman repeats. “Programming some things into you. Nothing bad, mind you. How can it be bad? It feels so good.”

Roman’s words somehow seem perfectly in time with the way his finger traces Logan’s port. Logan whimpers again, and slowly spreads his legs, bracing himself on his hands so he can grind up against nothing. He… he feels so needy.

“You’re so smart, and so independent,” Roman keeps talking. “You never let anyone take care of you. You even run your own maintenance. You don’t need to do that, anymore.”

Logan must be hot to the touch, for how hard his fan is working. He’s gasping for air. The tactile pleasure receiver between his legs is already throbbing, his pleasure system has well and truly kicked in and his slit is now wet. Logan grinds against the air. He’s not opposed to touching himself, normally, but he doesn’t like wasting the lubrication – it’s annoying and kind of embarrassing to refill, especially when he’s alone.

But he isn’t now.

“You can let me do it,” Roman says, and his other hand comes to Logan’s throat, tracing its way downwards. “You can let me run your maintenance. You can let me look after you. You can let me do this to you.”

Logan moans, optics rolling as Roman dips a finger into his charging port, before it returns to circling.

“You never mentioned your charging port was sensitive,” Roman comments.

“O-only when- ah!” Logan’s hips thrust up again, and he shoots Roman a hazy, desperate look. “Only when I’m low… low battery.”

“I see,” Roman hums, and he slips his finger back into the port, and Logan moans so loud his vocaliser glitches, his optics rolling. “Good boy for telling me.”

And- oh. Roman starts to finger his charging port. Logan grips the bench so tightly as waves of pleasure crash over him. It feels so good, and normally, when he’s feeling this good, Logan would be a few fingers deep in himself, but… but his hands won’t move. He can only sit there, sit still and take what Roman’s doing.

“Good boy,” Roman repeats, drawling over the words, drawing out, making Logan focus on them, sink into them. “Such a good boy.”

“R-Roman, Roman, s-sir,” Logan gasps, wanting more, wanting to beg but surprisingly unable to find the words. He’s surprised by sir, though.

“Oh, that did work,” Roman notes, pleased. “Yes, Logan?”

“I… I wanna…” Logan stammers, trying to press back against Roman’s hand, even as his other hand rests flat on Logan’s stomach. “I-I need to…”

“You need to cum?” Roman asks him. “Are you that needy, Logan?”

Logan can’t cry, but he would be crying now if he could.

“Yes!” Logan gasps. “Yes, sir!”

“Good boy,” Roman praises him, and the fingering speeds up, and Logan’s visuals are flickering for how overloaded his processor is, he can only focus on the pleasure. “It feels good to call me sir. It feels good to let me do this to you. You want it. You need it.”

“I need it,” Logan repeats, fan whining.

“You need sir to fuck you.”

“I…” Logan gasps as Roman pulls his finger away, leaving him aching and so, so wet. “I need sir to fuck me.”

Once the words are said outloud, it’s like something has shifted again. Logan opens his optics a little wider, and Roman watches it register across his face.

“I need you to fuck me,” Logan repeats, more insistent this time, more desperate, and he spreads his legs wider and looks up at Roman even as Roman drinks him in. “Please fuck me, sir. Please?”

“Good boy,” Roman says. “Hm. What percentage are you on?”

Logan shudders. “N-nine, sir.”

Roman smiles, unbuckles his belt and shimmies his pants down enough to reveal his cock, and oh, Logan has had a fascination with organic sexual organs, but he’s never had the chance to really look at one before.

“Then I better fuck you before you go flat,” Roman says. “But if you go flat, and I’m not done, I may just keep fucking you. Do you mind, Logan?”

Logan’s head spins with arousal at the mere idea, and he shakes his head desperately.

“I don’t mind, sir, I don’t,” Logan says, as he carefully lays back on his elbows. “Eight percent, sir, please fuck me?”

Roman steps in between Logan’s thighs and presses his cock to Logan’s dripping slit. Logan likes to stretch himself but technically, he doesn’t need it, and that’s proven as Roman pushes straight in.

“Oh-hh.”

Logan moans, so genuine and so loud that his voice modulator glitches again. H-he’s… never had something organic inside him before. It feels so good, hot and warm and soft, he can feel it throb inside him.

“God, you’re perfectly tight,” Roman groans, his hands coming to grip Logan’s thighs, fingers splayed around the cable plugged into his right one. “I’ve dreamt about fucking this robot pussy, Logan. You’re perfect for me.”

Logan’s too busy shorting out on overloaded pleasure centres to answer. The diagnostic data is still scrolling past on his UI, flashing words at him, the blinking warning of his low battery alert is rhythmic and entrancing, and his cognitive… oh, that must be it. Logan smiles dreamily. His cognitive processor has been… um…

Dulled. Is that the right word? Logan giggles a little as Roman thrusts into him. Dimmed? Dumbed down.

“God, there it is,” Roman breathes. “Fuck, I was waiting for that. You just figured out what’s going on, haven’t you, Logan?”

“Yeah,” Logan replies, equally as breathily, though it’s synthetic for him. “I’m stupid!”

“You are!” Roman says delightedly, and he starts to fuck Logan properly, setting a rhythm that makes Logan gasp, and his head loll with every thrust. “You’re my dumb little drone, who needs my cock.”

“Ohh,” Logan moans, both in pleasure and in realisation even as Roman’s… as his admin’s cock drives all his thoughts away. “I’m… a dumb… f-fuck, dumb drone…”

“You need my cock.”

“I n-need Admin’s cock,” Logan echoes.

“Fuck, that worked.” Roman slows right down, grinds against Logan painfully slowly, less because he wants to and more like he has something to test. “Fuck, you’re gonna make me cum, Logan.”

“Hgn, please cum in me, sir,” Logan looks up at him with dull, dull optics. “Please fill me, Admin, please.”

“H-ha, fuck.”

Roman gives in, then. The last of his willpower shattered. Logan moans over and over, his modulator almost giving up, his vision flickering even as Roman’s programming washes over his visual processor and sinking in deeper, and he clenches around Roman’s cock.

“God, you make such a good drone,” Roman gasps, his hips slapping against Logan’s. “You’re perfect. You want this. You need this. You were built to take my cock.”

“I was built to take your cock,” Logan slurs.

“When I refer to myself as Admin, you fall into this headspace,” Roman tells him. “Blank and fuzzy, warm and needy. Understand?”

“Yes, Admin,” Logan replies. It’s mechanical. P-programmed into him.

“F-fuck, shit, shit, shit,” Roman loses his rhythm, “gonna fucking cum, Logan.”

“Please, please, please,” Logan begs, desperate for release – Roman’s release, his own release, anything. “Please, please, please, please.”

Logan’s vision dims even more. Two percent.

“Fuck, fucking cum for me, Logan,” Roman orders, and one hand flies to Logan’s neck, fumbling, sliding around his casing until his finger sinks back into Logan’s port, and Logan goes fully tense asn he cums.

His orgasm is so intense, it completely overloads Logan’s brain. He goes still, goes limp, eyes flickering, as Roman keeps fucking him, chasing his orgasm.

It feels so fucking good, Logan opens his mouth to try say anything, maybe to try warn Roman about the imminent shut down being warned in his UI, but the urge of power it took to cum makes it impossible.

Logan has just enough battery power to feel Roman cum inside him before he goes flat.

---

Logan opens his eyes with a gasp. H-he feels… he feels so horny, he knows without even glancing at his UI that his pleasure system is lit up like a city, and he glances at Roman, who is waiting behind the computer, idly typing.

…Maybe Roman hasn’t noticed? Logan bites his lip. That’s good. H-he can just wait til the scan’s over, and then get himself off in privacy.

“H-how’s it going, Roman?” he calls.

“Oh!” Roman starts, glancing over. “Good! It’s almost done. You’ve got ten percent left.”

Logan nods, before he frowns at his UI. “…I have surprisingly low battery,” he comments.

“Oh,” Roman waves a hand. “It turns out you didn’t plug in properly before we started. You went flat halfway through and I plugged you in then.”

Logan frowns. He could have sworn he did, in fact, plug himself in properly. But the proof otherwise is in front of him, so… he shrugs.

“Thank you, then,” he says. “…I’ll admit, it’s nice to have someone else here to catch my mistakes like that.”

Roman’s eyes flash with something, then. A little amused, almost.

“Of course,” he says. “Hey, I can help out from now on, if you want, I don’t mind.”

Logan feels an inexplicable throb between his legs, and desperately ignores it, smiling politely at Roman.

“…Actually, that’s very kind of you,” Logan says. “I’d like that.”

Roman smiles, and stands.

“Admin access,” he declares.

Logan doesn’t even have time to process the statement before everything goes funny. He plummets back down, back into trance, the warm embrace of Roman’s programming taking over.

Logan hardly hears himself speak as he spreads his legs.

“Access granted. Drone is ready.”

Roman grins wickedly, and proudly takes his rightful place between Logan’s legs, so he can really make sure the programming has set in.

[vickyvicarious]

#this isn't 100% how i interpret bloofer lady but it's very compelling

Please, please, please tell me how!

Sure thing! I'm afraid it's not a very exciting explanation, though. Basically, I love all the themes you talk about in your post, with Lucy metaphorically moving from one cage to another. I totally agree with them. But I personally don't buy into Van Helsing's theories about Lucy being in any especially unique state when she reawakens as a vampire. I think his interpretation of her appearing less evil in a resting state is flawed, and she simply became a normal vampire.

But she became a very young vampire, and she was immediately abandoned. I think all vampires are likely to be more animalistic at first. But I also think that the way vampire!Lucy is so much more feral and instinctive at times isn't helped at all by her being completely left alone. When she hunts she tries to bring her victims back to a place she feels 'safer'. When that place is invaded, she doesn't know what to do. She tries to tempt Arthur to come to her, yes, in a great display of vampires focusing on their former loved ones. But other than that she doesn't say a single word. She snarls at them. She tries to attack and shies away from the crucifix. She flees towards her tomb as a place of safety, and doesn't seem to understand how it has been blocked. And she doesn't know what to do or do anything else:

Never did I see such baffled malice on a face; and never, I trust, shall such ever be seen again by mortal eyes. The beautiful colour became livid, the eyes seemed to throw out sparks of hell-fire, the brows were wrinkled as though the folds of the flesh were the coils of Medusa's snakes, and the lovely, blood-stained mouth grew to an open square, as in the passion masks of the Greeks and Japanese. If ever a face meant death—if looks could kill—we saw it at that moment. And so for full half a minute, which seemed an eternity, she remained between the lifted crucifix and the sacred closing of her means of entry.

I interpret this less as a reflection of her still being 'asleep' in her vampiric state as a result of being turned in a trance, but more... She's not fully 'awakened' as a vampire because she's so young and she hasn't had any guidance from an older vampire. She's still more instinct than thought, and while if she lived long enough I think she'd grow out of that, she doesn't get the time. I think this fits well with other vampire victims in the book who can't remember what happened to them despite not being tranced-up the same way as she was, and also with themes surrounding her specifically. It's kind of a horrible inversion of some of her life before.

As a human, she had a parent who tried too hard to protect her and didn't allow her to express herself freely or face hard truths. This was done out of love, but it was stifling. She was overly constrained.

As a vampire, her vampiric 'parent' didn't care about her at all and abandoned her. Without any guidance when she needed it most, she had to struggle through based largely on instincts. He wasn't there to protect her when she needed it. She was free to act on her own but hadn't been taught how.

Lucy went from no social freedom because of too much attention, to complete vampiric freedom because of none at all. Both states are harmful. One is smothering, the other neglectful. Overprotective to not protective enough. She went from her mother treating her like a child when she'd outgrown that to Dracula not treating her with the appropriate care that a new vampire should get. A forced childhood to a sort of 'forced adulthood' when she has to fend all for herself as a vampire.

So while as a human she had more freedom in her thoughts, but not in her actions. As a vampire, she can act freely, but her thoughts aren't fully there yet. This ties right back in to the themes you were talking about, but in a different way.

[thornofthelily]

@pinksparkl tagged me in this, what, like a week ago? But I wasn't able to sit down to organize my thoughts because I've been busy with life lol

So here it goes! My 5 + 1 headcanons! 5 Redactedverse headcanons I hold and 1 I'm still working on!

(Sorry if these are supposed to be like, fics, because I don't really have many posted fics or wips right now lmao)

1. Will is basically our silly old grandpa vampire now, but he carefully cultivated that reputation after centuries of brutality. There's a reason the gentle-voiced, teasing, Bob Ross-loving vampire survived to become an old blood king, and it wasn't always through kindness. There's a reason he wants to be a good maker, and also, why he's reluctant to turn people (and no, it's not Alexis's fault for being a "hellion")

2. Lovely was in college when they met Vincent. They had moved to Dahlia for regular human school, and it was the first time they'd been away from home. They were trying to balance school and work and maintain their friendships from back home, but it wasn't going well. They were feeling pretty lonely and not adjusting to life in Dahlia well, and that's why they went to Wonderworld for the first time. They thought it would be a good story for their friends at home, or impress someone from their classes there. They felt like they had something to prove. (When their core was awoken and they switched to DAMN, they finally started making friends and fitting in in a way they never felt like they had among humans. They still had some human friends but DAMN was the first place they felt like they belonged.)

3. Not an original but a goodie I think, but I am ten thousand percent in camp "Angel and Guy are siblings." And honestly, I've come to accept "Angel" as being their actual name. Like, their real names from birth are Guy, and Angel. Their parents liked those oddly specific, literal names. Their boy child is a Guy, their sweet (as a baby) child is an Angel.

4. "Dear" (Lasko's listener) first really fell for him during the Inversion. They were stuck outside with everyone else, and though they didn't have anyone they were especially close to inside, they were still scared sick for their coworkers and students. They had always been passively aware of and attracted to Lasko, and normally they'd never risk the discomfort of flirting with or asking out a coworker, but after Inversion, they had so much respect and admiration for him for how he stood up and got people organized and inspired them and everyone else to rush in to take down shades and find survivors, they finally decided to be brave and ask him out, long after the dust finally settled.

5. Asher is actually incredible well-read and loves literature. Before becoming the goofy gamer loud mouth can't cook beta we all know and love, his mom being a writer meant he grew up surrounded by books all the time. He gained most of his emotional intelligence through reading, and if things ever got tense in the pack, he tended to retreat to a book, read the whole thing in one night, and come back rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to help resolve whatever issues people had the day before.

And for the one I'm still working on...

With all the discussion going around, it made me want to revamp my race/ethnicity headcanons. Full disclosure, I know I'm not the best at writing diversely, it's an issue I'm aware of and I am trying to work on. It requires a few drafts of my ocs to get past the same pale template I default to. So, in examining my hcs for the various speaker and listener characters, while I already had a few, I was looking for other characters I could spice up past the same template, and I am working on the idea of having a Philippino Guy (and by extension, Angel). I haven't done much to expand this idea or flesh it out with any greater detail, but it fits pretty well in my head so far!

[kittyinhighheels]

Recommendation Time Part 2

You should probably read the previous ask first

And like i said: don't post this one! (especially bc i'm basically about to just copy and paste parts of someone elses tumblr post) just either delete it in case you're not interested or keep it for reference if you wanna get into redacted audio

First of i highly, highly recommend checking the description of every video for content/trigger warnings before watching

"People have different opinions on this, but I recommend starting with Freelancer Season 1. You get a lot of the important lore and meet a bunch of characters, all with one listener."

"But then...maybe don't go on to Season 2 until you've listened to some of the werewolves and vamps. "Sadism's Hold", "Sovereign State", "Carpe Deus" and "Project Meridian" are largely independent of what's happening with the Freelancer Storyline and the werewolves and vampires...at least for now."

"From there, the only other listening advice I would give is:

1. ...NOT to listen to the E&E Games & the Inversion arc (posted December 2021/January 2022) until you're familiar with most of the characters. (Those were kind of "Infinity War"-style crossover events where characters who don't normally interact finally met each other, so you want to be at least a little bit familiar with most of them.)

2. Be aware that Imperium & Cataclysm are an AU and are very dark. Just be advised.

3. At one point last fall, Erik (Redacted Audio) had to move a lot of things off of YouTube, which has left some holes in the playlists, but he's very good about either leaving a modified version of the original in their place to maintain the plot OR leaving a placeholder there to send you to his Patreon, where you can listen to anything "Removed from YouTube" free of charge."

"If you ever get confused about lore: Erik has posted a timeline" (https://redacted-audio.com/timeline-all)

"If you just want to listen to every single video in release order, there's a playlist for that."

(https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEm8kgm65Yt4OIgNQzXa__5mO8ICtyyR2)

And also my personal other recommendation in case you'd like a podcast of two people just talking about random shit to listen to while doing the dishes or someting, the creator behind Redacted Audio (Erik) also has a podcast on youtube with a friend of his that does twitch streams but idk if their sense of humor matches yours or not (https://m.youtube.com/@hewllyeahpodcast/videos)

That sounds so cool. I love that the videos are so short that you can get through them whenever you have time. I can't wait to get through them. Thank you so much for recommending them to me!

[softredrobin]

For the ask game: 31, 32! ^^

I see u making me do a self call out.

Got kinda long bc I am both very emotional and have a lot of favorite quotes so I'm gonna drop a cut to spare the dashes of other folks lol

31. Video(s) that made you cry?

FL S1:

Bakadere Empathy Daemon Asks You For Help

All three "Meeting Up With a _______ Elemental" videos for Huxley, Lasko, and Damien in S1

Comforted by an Arrogant Incubus

Shaw Pack/Solaire Clan:

Tsundere Werewolf Boyfriend Breaks Down

Confronted by Your Pack Alpha

Getting Closer to Your Vampire Mate

Comforted After a Hard Day at Work by Your Alpha Werewolf Boyfriend

Helping Your Sweet Werewolf Boyfriend Get Back to Sleep

Helping Your Werewolf Boyfriend Shift Again

FL S2/Inversion:

Shock and Awe at the Elemental and Energetic Games Qualifiers (it didn't originally... but now it does)

Voices Gone Silent

Right Here

The Void They Leave Behind

All Along

Aftershock/FL S3/Misc Post-Inversion:

Consoling (And Consoled By) Your Elemental Friends

Your Unempowered Boyfriend Tries to Comfort You

Comforted and Cared For by Your Incubus Boyfriend

I think I got them all..? Yikes.... I cry a lot.

32. Favorite quote(s)?

I'll be the first to direct you to my redacted hands series, but regardless.... here's some of my favorites (be warned, two of them in particular are...longer than the others). Also a warning for a quote that talks about the bridging incident.

"God damn it, we've earned some joy in this fuckin' life."

"Home is you, wherever that is."

"Stars are nice, but... I like looking at you better.

"It's okay. You’re safe. You don’t have to hide away anymore, sweetheart."

"What happened with him didn’t mess you up, or leave you as something that needs fixing, or anything like that, any of those shitty feelings that that asshole left in his wake. If you want to do this, it isn’t about him. It’s about you, and the person you choose to share it with. He doesn’t get to have that hold on you. Bridging is a beautiful thing that we have the power to do. And it should be beautiful for you when it happens. When it happens because you chose to do it, and you knew what it was, and it’s done with someone who cares and knows and trusts you. So yes. I would consider it an amazing fucking gift if you chose to share that with me. And I swear on everything I’ve got that I’d treat it with the respect that something like that deserves."

"Being with you makes me happy. The happiest I’ve ever been. I love you."

"Hey, you don’t have to hide your face. You are incredibly brave. And incredibly strong. And you have been walking around with the weight of the world on your shoulders without so much as a flinch. You are someone truly remarkable. Please. Believe it when I say that. You can set the world down now. That doesn’t make you a failure. That doesn’t make you weak. There’s no finish line you didn’t get to, there’s just your life stretched out ahead of you. And there are people in that life who care about you. Very much. People who aren’t going to think less of you, or turn away from you if that weight starts to slip off your shoulders. We are people who will rush to your side to bolster you. To carry some of that burden when it gets to be too much. We’re here for you. I’m here for you."

"And you’re currently holding the hand of an incredibly handsome and painfully humble man, so your taste in that department also seems exceptional if I do say so myself."

"'Yes'? That’s all I get? Well sure, it’s enough, but where’s the weeping, where’s the drama, where’s you cutting me off with a kiss like some kind of movie– ow, why are you hitting me–"

"Hey. Are you all right? No, I'm not talking about 'will be'. I'm talking right now. Are you all right?"

"I got you. Of course I'll stay. You don't have to keep the armor up tonight. The fighting's done. You can just rest."

"This is your pantry? You know there's supposed to be food in here, right? Do I dare even open that fridge… How are there so many condiments and no actual food?!"

[tuiyla]

Sentimental Affection: Hambo, the Shirt, and Objects of Psychic Resonance

Adventure Time and the mundane, aka Daddy, why did you eat my fries?

Ever a show to be full of hidden symbolism and so much more under the surface than its 11-minute runtime would allow, Adventure Time uses seemingly mundane objects like a teddy bear or a T-shirt to convey the monumental importance of character dynamics. This doesn’t only apply to objects but actual parts of one’s self, like Finn’s arm and the interwoven significance of his many swords. And then, there’s Marceline.

Like with many of the show’s more complex aspects, this is especially prevalent in Marceline’s story. How do you stress the sheer volume of having lived for a thousand years? How do you signify the lack of letting go of the past, lack of maturity? You give a girl a teddy bear and have her hold on to it for as long as she can. And it’s not just Hambo that adds unexpected depth to Marceline’s character and her relationship with others. There’s the infamous rock shirt, which we’ll get to, and then there’s the French fries eaten by Hunson Abadeer.

As iconic as the Fry Song has become and as synonymous with the complex Abadeer father-daughter relationship as it is, it seems silly, at first glance, that Marceline would be so upset over that simple transgression. But Adventure Time has a special talent for making the mundane whimsical and significant, so through the context of the full song, through little glimpses here and there, we understand the symbolism of the fries. It’s Hunson’s disregard for Marceline’s feelings, his carelessness, his lack of understanding, that really matters.

Just a teddy in the wreckage of the world

So what about Hambo? Hambo is, for a while, everything to Marceline. Hambo is the one representation of her relationship with Simon that she has left. It’s a remnant from the wreckage of the world, a plushie given to a scared little girl by an equally scared old man. It’s the one thing Simon leaves behind when he abandons Marcy, for her own good, and summons Hunson to take care of her instead. But Hunson eats those fries and so Marceline takes the family axe instead and keeps it as safe as she keeps Hambo.

Hambo stays with Marceline long after she turns into a vampire, ever a symbol of the tragic childhood she lost and yet is stuck in. It’s not a coincidence that she’s implied to tolerate much of Ash’s jerkish behaviour but draws the line when he sells Hambo for a new wand. That’s the only thing of Simon, the real Simon that she has left and it matters more than a boyfriend who doesn’t care about that. Disregard for Hambo is disregard for her. So Marceline keeps moving all across Ooo, both to escape from this new, twisted version of Simon and to find the one thing that proves he wasn’t always like this.

You kept the shirt I gave you?

Let’s take a break from Hambo for a moment. Let’s picture a time long before Finn washed up on the shores of Ooo, before the Candy Kingdom grew into what it is today. Marceline and Bonnibel are friends, maybe more - details depend on whatever nuggets “Obsidian” gives us. For a while, it works, and Marceline gives Bonnie a rock T-shirt. That shirt is so quintessentially Marcy that it becomes a symbol of their relationship when it’s with PB. The two drift apart, though, as Bonnie becomes known as Princess Bubblegum to everyone else and Marceline leaves before she can be left behind. The shirt becomes a sort of inverse of Hambo: a token of love that’s - as Marceline initially thinks - never cared for. Bitter as she might be over this, Marcy leaves it all behind as she left Hunson with the fries. She never really got to grow beyond being that young girl who was left Hambo in the snow.

Except, Finn does come along, eventually, and he brings Bonnie and Marcy together again. It’s intense and Marceline lashes out because, well, sorry she’s such an inconvenience. But in truth, it’s Marceline who tags along to defeat the Door Lord despite having no stakes in the mater, and it’s PB who wants to get her precious possession back. Her treasure is, of course, Marceline’s shirt. The one she always has worn, just in the comfort of her own room or under something else. Not out in the open, one might say, but constantly nonetheless, even long after Marceline was gone from her life. A reminder of what they had as much as Hambo is a reminder of who Simon was to Marcy.

That’s the wonder of “What Was Missing”. It lampshades the potential cheesiness of the message, that being “the real treasure is friendship”, but it is genuine in how it portrays that message beyond what would be expected of a kids’ cartoon. Finn keeps a piece of Bubblegum’s hair, but PB is right there to hang out with whenever they want to. Bonnie keeps Marcy’s shirt because she thinks it’s as close as she’ll get to be around her again, but Marceline tagged along just for the joy of being around them. What these two examples have in common is that both Finn and PB want something more from the relationship with the actual person, something they think is unattainable, so they hold on to the objects instead of reaching out.

I’ll get your kid back, toy

So what about Hambo and Marceline reaching out to Simon? When the Ice King inevitably finds her, again, Marceline is rightfully frustrated and just about ready to pack up and move again. But she’s grown these past few years since Finn entered her life and helped her face her past demons. It breaks her heart but she starts accepting Simon back into her life. They hang out and she insists on calling him Simon, because she never stopped viewing him that way. She knows who he used to be, even if he doesn’t, and she clings onto the representation of that hope, Hambo.

Marceline is already in a much better place by the time “Sky Witch” rolls around than she was at the start of the series. She kind of has Hunson, Simon and Bonnie in her life again. It’s all a bit complicated and unresolved - ”Stakes” isn’t for another two seasons - but she’s on her way. That doesn’t mean she’s gonna let the opportunity to get Hambo back pass by, so she asks for Bonnie’s help. It’s a bit awkward but she spent all this time being angry and feeling like she wasn’t good enough when PB cared enough to at least keep the shirt, so maybe that’s as much hope as Hambo is for Simon. And that’s exactly what “Sky Witch” proves, as Bonnie’s level-headedness helps Marcy navigate Maja’s treacherous turf and gets her Hambo back.

There's only one Hambo

There’s a misconception, a common and understandable one, but a misconception nonetheless when it comes to the shirt and Hambo. When Maja says that Hambo’s psychic resonance is nothing compared to the shirt’s, it’s easy to see the implication being that the shirt is that much more important. Therefore, Marceline is that much more important to PB than Simon is to Marcy. This isn’t entirely inaccurate but I also think that what’s important here is not to put these two objects and therefore the two relationships on the same scale. It implies that we’re comparing the familial type of love between Simon and Marcy to the romantic love between Bonnie and Marcy and that’s just a false and pointless comparison. Instead, the significance once again comes through trademark Adventure Time subtlety.

“What Was Missing” was mainly the Bubbline dynamic from Marcy’s perspective: her hurt, her anger over not knowing why it all ended. The twist with the shirt at the end only hints at PB’s side of things and “Sky Witch” takes it home. From the little moments at the beginning of the episode to the revelation that PB gave up the shirt for Hambo, it’s a full package. It’s in everything, including the scene where Peebs dismisses Hambo’s importance. It’s just a doll, totally replaceable, an insinuation which insults Marcy deeply. Bonnie doesn’t necessarily get why Hambo is so important but, in a way, PB does understand. She understands, because Hambo is to Marceline what the shirt is for her: hope.

When PB gives up the shirt, she gives up the only piece of Marceline she’s had for all these centuries. It wasn’t replaceable, just like Hambo wasn’t, but by giving it up she gives Marceline her most treasured possession, her hope. And you know what else? By giving up this remnant of the past, Bonnie gets Marceline back. “Sky Witch”, then, is the beginning of their new dynamic, as the lesson from the Door Lord finally sinks in. And by equating, in a way, Hambo and the shirt, after we’ve already seen in “I Remember You” and “Simon & Marcy” how monumental that relationship is, this makes Bonnie’s devotion to Marcy clear as day.

Magic, madness, sadness, and all the rest

Hambo becomes something even bigger in “Betty”. The reason why Maja wanted Hambo and then the shirt in the first place is because Adventure Time acknowledges within the logic of its own universe how important the love poured into these objects is. She uses the magic of the shirt and Simon uses the magic of Hambo. Marceline, reluctantly, lets go of Hambo because she just got Simon back, just as PB let go of the shirt and got Marcy back. Nothing is ever that straightforward in the land of Ooo, though, so Hambo brings Betty back but it can’t save Simon. Now Marceline got a taste of the old Simon, had hope, and it lives on in the person they sacrificed Hambo for: Betty.

Betty’s hope is misguided, though. With her time jump to modern day Ooo, a journey of denial and desperation begins that leads her and the whole land down a road of magic and madness. Betty’s shenanigans is its own separate post, really, and all the themes of acceptance, denial and change they represent. What I find fascinating in this context is how, again, in true AT style, the butterfly effect did its magic and the mundane lead into the whimsical and grandiose.

Right there where you left it, lying upside down

Simon gave a little Marcy her teddy doll and Ash carelessly passed it on. Marceline gave Bubblegum a rock shirt, something so quintessentially her that it was the one thing Peebs held onto even after all those years. The shirt was a symbol of their lingering connection and its sacrifice meant the start of a new chapter. The significance of the shirt was enough to get Hambo back, which in turn was powerful enough for Simon to get Betty back. And, eventually, by moving almost literal heaven and hell, Betty brings Simon back. Everything stays, but it still changes.

The shirt is not Marceline. Hambo is not Simon. Objects are not people, nor can we only be with people if we let go of those objects. That isn’t the message the show is going for. And these objects are only catalysts for character arc and dynamics in most cases, anyway. Marceline doesn’t grow up by letting Hambo go, she succeeds in leaving the past behind in “Stakes”. And, if the “Obsidian” trailer is any indication, even that doesn’t mean she’s done with all her demons.

What the intertwined stories of Hambo and the shirt tell us is that complex, emotional stories can be told through simple objects. A teddy doll can signify a thousand years of pain and yet provide hope, while a rock T-shirt can pack some good old-fashioned queer yearning into it. Hambo and the shirt aren’t even monumental parts of Marceline’s, Simon’s and Bubblegum’s stories, even if Adventure Time finds clever ways to use them in the plot. They are just two simple things that represent so much in terms of character development and some of the show’s central dynamics, and that’s damn good storytelling.

[pip-n-flinx]

Castlevania Spoilers Ahead

its tagged, its below a cut, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So I may be one of 3 people in the whole world who hates the final season of netflix’s Castlevania adaptation. I know I know, you’re going to have a pogrom. I heard about it in the market square this morning. But see, here’s the thing. What makes me angry is that there is so much to love about this show and I really don’t feel like it stuck the landing.

I’ll probably make a series of these posts, but I wanted to address the narrative things that were set up beautifully, only to stumble and fall on their faces in the finale.

Today, we’re talking about Hector, Lenore, and briefly about the rest of Styria’s council.

Hector and Lenore are by far the most interesting characters to me in the whole series. Let’s start with how Hector is written in S2 and S3 of the show, because it provides a ton of context for where I really want to take this conversation. Hector is a brilliant man, whose views are all about natural structure and conservation. Think of him as the shows Department of Natural Resources. He likens vampires first to wolves, then to cats. He seems to see humanity as an ecological problem, believing they need to be culled. He dehumanizes everyone, human and vampire alike, throughout the course of S2. You could argue this makes him naive or ignorant, but there are plenty of brilliant people out there who see the world through lenses far more baffling than Hector. He doesn’t believe he was treated as a human, believing himself (probably rightly) an outcast. He hasn’t had much time to observe a functioning society, but he has had plenty of time to study the natural world that borders human civilization. It seems entirely in keeping with his characterization to frame people as animals in his quest to understand them.’

Cut to S3 and suddenly the tables have been turned. Lenore’s use of ‘good boy’ and ‘walkies’ can be seen as overtly sexual but its also very obviously Hector’s comeuppance. After a season of likening the Vampires to animals, he himself is characterized as a puppy. Lenore also introduces him to vampire philosophy and more broadly speaking culture. She may be treating him like a dog, but its one of the first times adult Hector gets to observe a society, not just a foodchain. Despite being a well learned magician, he has much to learn about diplomacy and etiquette.

And this is the meat of it. Hector and Lenore are the perfect inversion of Lisa and Dracula. This is why they are the most interesting people in the series. Lisa searches for Vlad Tepes in the hopes he might teach her. Hector is dragged to Lenore’s castle and kept in chains. Vlad greets Lisa with suspicion, but is won over by her bravery and determination. Lenore, on the other hand, greets Hector with gifts before beating him - cowing him for his bravado. Vlad teaches a human woman how to heal humans, Lenore teaches Hector about the sciences, but mostly about how commerce and luxury items are traded. Lenore takes Hector as a boy-toy, a dalliance, or gigolo. Vlad takes Lisa as his wife, and fathers a child by her. Lenore keeps Hector caged, while Lisa insists Dracula travel the world. Lisa dies a horrible death at the hands of the Church, where Isaac spares Lenore at Hector’s insistence. Dracula schemes to kill all the humans, while Styria’s scheme is to bleed the humans as livestock. And at the end, Vlad and Lisa return from the grave and inexplicably decide not to tell Alucard. Lenore walks into the sunlight, into a new dawn and dies leaving me heartbroken beyond repair. The perfect inversion of story-line/arc. But it didn’t have to end this way!

So here’s the crux of what bothers me about Lenore/Hector vs Lisa/Dracula. Setting aside the mechanism behind Lisa and Vlad returning (hooo-boy that will be the next post I think....) you wouldn’t need to kill Lenore at the end if you didn’t inexplicably bring Lisa and Drac back to life! But why shouldn’t we kill Lenore? Surely the writers didn’t just bring Dracula back on a whim, so to complete the inversion Lenore was always intended to die, no? This is what I have a problem with. You take one of the strong female characters, one who critiqued two of the big-bad-villains of the series in a meaningful way. She articulates for the audience why Dracula’s plan was evil. Then explains for us why Carmilla has gone too far. This is the womanyou kill off? You kill off a character with wit, with self-awareness. You kill off a character who for all her flaws is known for showing kindness, whose very introduction involves making a splint for a spider! An act so ludicrous and caring that her friends ridicule her for it. You take this woman, whose goal is to secure a future for herself and the women she has come to cherish. You write this brilliant character, a hypocrite just human enough to be our lens into the show and who despite her own machinations has one of the clearest concepts of morality in the whole show, and you kill her off because Dracula must live? This is Castlevania for godssake, isn’t the whole point that Dracula dies? She could have been the greatest anti-villain I’ve ever seen, and she chooses suicide before her lover’s eyes? I’ll give you its a gut punch, but it’s one I could definitely have done without.

Because Lenore condemns thirst that harms the greater community. She understands the value of diplomacy, of stability, of peace. She’s hedonistic, but less hedonistic than Carmilla. She shows a great deal of strength in S3, but she shows a strength of character in S4. And then she dies, because Dracula must live. Honestly, she is my Alucard/Anti-Dracula for the series. Adrian Tepes be damned. Lenore had no humanity left in the most literal sense, but she is the narrative foil to Dracula in a way the real Alucard could never be. She even had a reason not to turn her lover, which Dracula cannot say.

So I am salty. And perhaps more than any other reason, I am salty because at the very last moment, they chose to save Dracula over Lenore.

[thesublemon]

Buffy meta that’s been sitting in my drafts since I did my rewatch last winter:

I hate the way that posting multiple times about the same media makes me sound fandomy, but I guess that’s what happens when you rewatch a show. You get stuck thinking about it for a while. Which is to say: thinking about Buffy. Went back, rewatched the second season, the season of the epically doomed relationship with Angel. People go on about Angel versus Spike, but the difference in the kind of love-ish story that each of them represent is actually pretty interesting to me. I always found it a shame how het up people got about the relationships on Buffy, when one of the most satisfying things about the show (to me) was the way it depicted and used romantic relationships without ever actually being about them. Buffy was never a romance. It was always a story about Buffy growing up and growing into herself, by herself. “She alone will stand against the vampires.” The chosen one, the only child (and then the single parent). The last image of the credits is always Buffy posed alone. And the last image of each season is generally of Buffy and her friends, rather than Buffy and her lovers.

Which is to say, the point of a romantic Buffy storyline is always, primarily, what it means for her and her development. For that larger metaphor of personal maturation, rather than some question of “what are the best traits to reproduce with.” (My frustration with Buffy and Riley in season four was always that it didn’t quite hit the “she is LARPing normality” thing hard enough. Though I liked the season five deterioration of their relationship.).

I see the theme of season two as something like “the tragedy of purity.” Not “loss of innocence” so much as the knowledge that pure things both exist and cannot be protected. Pure love, pure happiness, pure good, pure evil. In When She Was Bad, the opening, you have Buffy coping with the loss of pure heroism. The fact that her heroism both killed and didn’t kill her, that she neither fully won nor fully lost. What purity really is is a kind of control, or the luxury of not needing to have it, and so we have Buffy confronting the fact that she doesn’t have control over things that she expected to. She had no choice about whether she lived or died. In Lie To Me, Buffy has to stop a terminally ill friend who wants to become a vampire. So she loses her luxury of easy ethics. And then when Angel loses his soul she loses the luxury of an easy story. (“What did you do for your birthday?” “I got older”).

I really like that storyline because Buffy losing her virginity isn’t treated as a corruption. It’s an inversion of that. It’s the world that’s corrupt, and Buffy’s humanity that is pure. If anyone is an Eve in Surprise it’s Angel, who chooses to have knowledge of happiness (quite literally: “pure happiness”) even though it is forbidden to him. The tragedy of purity is not the loss of purity. It’s the fundamental ephemerality of it.

So in order for the Angelus and sending-Angel-to-hell storyline to have its full thematic weight, it actually is genuinely important that—according to the narrative—Buffy and Angel have, or think they have, a “true love” sort of relationship. Regardless of how I or anyone else feels about whether the two of them are interesting or romantic. It has to be something pure and real, so it can be something that is lost. It’s precisely the kind of romance, the kind of metaphor, that makes sense at this stage of a story about growing up.

The Buffy and Spike storyline on the other hand, is about intimacy in the absence of purity, post-purity. Their relationship is interesting because it isn’t really a romance, even by the end of the seventh season. It’s more about the intersection of human feeling with self-transformation. Love as motivation, sex as revelation, relationships as catalysis. The Buffy and Spike relationship is about loss of innocence, is about corruption, or at least the fear thereof. But losing innocence about oneself, rather than the world. Buffy first learning her true capability for cruelty* and self-debasement in season six, and then (in season seven) her true capability for forgiveness. Forgiveness not in the sense of absolution, or taking back a bad boyfriend, but in the sense of giving people who have done bad things opportunities to also do good. With Spike, but also with Faith, Anya, Andrew, Willow and—most crucially—herself. Spike in turn learns more fully the extent of both his humanity and his monstrousness. His ability to care, to violate, and to morally strive.

*(Not that Spike, being an unrepentant mass murderer and all, doesn’t basically deserve what he gets. More that it’s clearly bad for Buffy—“It’s killing me” she says—to use him to feel or to punish herself, because she sees (or has to see) him as a moral non-entity. In her words, “a thing”. Beating him bloody in Dead Things is visibly disturbing to her.)

Their dynamic, in other words, is about losing your illusions about yourself, and carrying on afterwards. It’s the kind of story that makes sense at that more mature, late-season stage of a story about growing up. You can’t forgive or accommodate your humanity until you discover it. So the same way the Angel relationship had to be something pure, the Spike relationship had to be something somewhat sordid—so it could be something that was forgiven (incorporated, transformed).  It’s fitting that Spike’s description of his love by the end of the show is framed by “I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.” The two relationships basically form a complete arc: from pure romantic love as something wonderful but fragile (you’ll lose your soul) to more human, ambiguous feeling as something difficult but worthwhile (you’ll gain a soul). Buffy and Spike’s “connection” by the end of the show is not really treated as a romantic culmination—they don’t end up together after all. It’s more like they seem to represent another triumph of self-mastery, in the vein of Willow channeling white magic or Buffy sharing her power.

[howtohero]

#249 The Death of Your Nemesis

(Note: This is Part Two of a three part story. Part One. Part Three.)

Uh. Ok, so your nemesis has died. The person you’ve gone head to head with for years and years. The enemy of yours who, without fail, always strives to make things as personal as possible, is gone... Good! You’ll be better off, and the world will be better off with them. You can finally dedicate your time to dealing with more systemic ills in your neighborhood. No longer will you have to alienate everyone you love because there’s always the slim chance that on any given day your nemesis could discover who you are and take vengeance on your friends and family. When your nemesis dies, that’s a reason to party. You’re free of them! Forever! Huzzah! You may not have been able to kill them due to some complicated moral code that only allows you to kill their henchmen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate their demise!

(Oooooook buddy, why don’t sit this one out. You’re going through a lot right now.)

I’m fine! Why shouldn’t I be fine! My nemesis, Dr. Brainwave, a convicted supervillain who was living, rent-free, in my basement, is dead. I’m free of him. I’m doing great!

(All right, totally. We can all see that you’re handling this with dignity and poise. Why don’t you let me deal with this one.)

Well I suppose I have been training you as my apprentice so that you could one day write blog posts on your own...

(Sure, that’s what our relationship is. So why don’t you go outside, take a breather, and let me handle today’s entry.

What the man says is true. Dr. Brainwave is dead and I guess, technically speaking, he was our nemesis. He’s threatened our lives more times than we count. {We are notoriously bad counters though.} He’s destroyed our home, our place of work, our garden filled with one-of-a-kind miracle veggies. {Immortality radishes, vampiric celery, tasty kale.} And yet, he’s always been there, and I think we kind of just assumed he always would be. You see, a nemesis is not just another supervillain that you’ve got to fight with alarming frequency. They’re a major part of your life. Oftentimes your nemesis will know you better than anybody else in your social circle. Sure, they only took the time to get to know you on this deep level so that they could inflict all manner of psychological torture upon you, but still, it’s kind of nice that they invested that time in you.

A superhero’s relationship with their nemesis is always going to be complicated. You’ll usually see them more than you see your family. You’ll see them at their highest {when they believe that they’ve killed you} and at their lowest {surprisingly enough, after they’ve succeeded in killing you and find their life to be devoid of all meaning and purpose} you’ll occasionally find yourself fighting alongside them and yeah, in some twisted way, you’re going to form a kind of meaningful relationship with them. So what are you even supposed to do when they’ve died? Granted, you’re not as fanatically dependent on them for your continued existence and purpose as they are on you. There will always be crimes to stop and evil to vanquish. But any superhero would be hard-pressed to deny that their lives would be a little bit emptier without their nemesis. Perhaps that’s the real reason why so few superheroes actually kill their nemeses.

If you feel like you need to mourn the passing of your nemesis, that’s ok. You should allow yourself to space to do that. Do something that they would’ve loved. Hold a {vacant} bridge hostage, kick a {robot, stuffed, already dead} puppy into the sun, burn yourself in effigy! If you’re worried about getting attacked by other supervillains if you attend a funeral or memorial service for your nemesis don’t worry! Supervillains usually are not friends with one another. That funeral is gonna be hella empty. You can go there with no problem. Besides, supervillain funerals have been poorly attended ever since Lady Richter used her “funeral” as an opportunity to drop many of her fellow supervillains into a bottomless chasm. Ever since then, supervillains have had a hard time believing that any of their colleagues are actually dead. If any other supervillains attend your nemesis’ funeral, they’ll be lugging around giant ladders in case a bottomless chasm opens up beneath them, and they will be too exhausted to fight you.

The whole How To Hero crew {me, Parentheses Guy, Zach, Lawyer Guy, Dr. Brainwave’s Greatest Shame, Diego A. Wayghosts, Todd The Bomb-Disposal Bot} attended Dr. Brainwave’s funeral and, lo and behold, the only other person in attendance was Dr. Brainwave’s other nemesis, Professor Brain-Scrambler. {There was also, of course, a large contingent of mutant alligators.} He actually spoke quiet beautifully about his mad scientist colleague, after which we pulled him over to the side and told him that he was a hack and that he could suck it, in line with Dr. Brainwave’s final wishes. All in all it was a very emotional 2 am-4 am. {Supervillain funerals almost exclusively take place during this time which is colloquially known as “the witching hour.”} The funeral home was a bit cold, and I would say it was definitely haunted, but overall, it was a pretty solid funeral I’d say. 

Once you’ve spent some mourning the loss of an important and ever-present figure in your life, there is some housekeeping that you need to do. Reach out to your nemesis’ loved ones and express your condolences. The last thing you want is for their loved ones to vow revenge on you and beginning the cycle anew. If you can, talk with their loved ones, estranged family members, sidekicks, or unholy creations and make them understand that you were not responsible for the death of their loved ones. The quicker you do this the better. Blaming a superhero for the death of a loved one is 17th most common supervillain origin story. {number 68 is having your coal company run out of business by windmill farms but number 33 will blow your mind.} In our case, we sat down with Dr. Brainwave’s legions of mutant alligators and several hours of teeth baring and jaw snapping, a fragile peace agreement was forged. {The alligators for their part, behaved remarkably well. Not a single bared tooth or snapped jaw among them!}

Once that is taken care of you must attend to the rest of your nemesis’ personal affects. Their goons will be directionless, and this is a great time to many of them off the board. Have your friends in law enforcement scoop them up before they can find employment under a different supervillain. Or, if you really wanna get wild, invent a new identity for yourself, pose as a new supervillain, take control of your nemesis’ cronies, and then have them perform tasks that seem like crimes, but actually good deeds. Stuff like, “this old woman is an ancient evil spirt, help her cross the street” or “this is my territory now, nobody else is allowed to commit a crime here. If you see another villain doing crimes here, stop them!” Arrange operations against your nemesis’ lairs and begin systemically dismantling their operation. Since they were your nemesis you have the unique advantage of knowing where they’re likely to have kept most of their really cool stuff. And remember, in the souvenir game, it is first come, first serve. So lead the operation against their main fortress or stronghold yourself and claim all of those spleen-discombobulators and parasite helmets for yourself! For us, that just meant going into our own basement and, honestly, reclaiming a lot of stuff we thought we’d lost! We also blew up all of Dr. Brainwave’s stuff, as per his last will and testament. [Hi, again, a hastily scrawled note scratched into a chalkboard that says “destroy all of my Earthly things in the same manner in which I died” is not a will.] Well, we did it! And it was awesome! We didn’t even need to buy any explosives, it’s astounding how much of his stuff was already made out of bombs! {You know what? It’s actually pretty alarming how many explosives there were just under our house this entire time.})

Wait, how many bombs were there?

(I thought I told you to take the day off because you were being weird!)

You’re being weird! How many bombs did you find in Dr. Brainwave’s room?

(I don’t know, probably around 660. What do you think Curly?)

{I’d say around 664, maybe 665.}

Oh you have got to be kidding me.

(See, you’re being weird again. Buhbye! Now, any real superhero can’t exactly be without a nemesis. People will start to talk. “Oh yeah, that guy? He’s not really very superheroic, he doesn’t even have one evil person whose sole purpose in life is to destroy them. Poor guy.” So you need to find a new nemesis! {We recommend reading our advice for finding your first nemesis.} Try calling up all of your old enemies and see if they’d be interested in engaging in an eternal struggle between good and evil with you. Or, just go through the supervillain phonebook and pick a name that kind of seems like an inverse of your own name. {Or, if it’s still too soon for you to even think about replacing your dear departed nemesis, just prank call about of villains until you’re all cheered up.} Without Dr. Brainwave gone, we’ve obviously needed to start looking for a new supervillain correspondent... and, well... I guess just take a look at some of the auditions we’ve received.

Al “Da Boss” Marconi: “Ayyyy, da best way to save da world is to stab a twerp right between the eyes and laugh as he bleeds out on the pavement!” {Factually incorrect.}

Dr. Python: “So this job comes with a free room right? My last roommate turned out to be Ultiman so obviously that wasn’t going to work out and I kind of very badly need a new place to live.” {Seems to believe that living with Ultiman is a bad idea because he is a superhero but living with us is fine. Which leads us to believe he either doesn’t really get who we are, or does not respect us.}

Giorgio the Evil Mime: “...” {This guy was Zach’s top choice, but he is clearly grieving and not in his right mind. He seems to have forgotten that our supervillain correspondent needs to be able to speak and make intrusive comments on our blog posts.}

As you can see, we have been having some trouble, but luckily we’ve got interviews with Jhonny McBarn-Burner, Mustard Man and the dreaded Karalaxus who is actually a very pleasant guy once you agree to give up your free will and join his horde of mindless zombies. So hopefully one of those guys pans out.)

Stop everything! We don’t need a new supervillain correspondent. (Dude, for real, you need to take a break. You’re going a bit cuckoo you know?) No, I’m serious, and your face is a bit cuckoo actually so how about you step the heck off.  (Rude.) We don’t need to replace Brainwave, because I don’t think he’s actually gone {What are you saying! Wait, did we actually all die in the explosion? Was he the only to survive? Is he mourning us? Which of us did he mourn the most? Me?} No, I believe that he’s dead. But I also believe that he died on purpose. (Well sure, we all saw him unrepentant supervillainously sacrifice himself so that we could live!) I don’t think he sacrificed himself at all actually. I think he planned on dying, and that he planned on benefitting from it in a way that none of us could have foreseen.  (Ok, you’re gonna have to walk us through that.) Ok, so remember when we went through Brainwave’s stuff, we found a grand total of 665 bombs right?  (I guess?) {We are notoriously bad at counting.} True, but I think we got it right this time. I think that there were only 665 explosive devices in Brainwave’s lair/our basement. [Only?] Yes only! What kind of fanatical supervillain builds so many explosives but stops before hitting 666! The devil’s number! I think he did have 666 bombs, until he mailed one to our office! (Wait, what? You think Brainwave sent us that bomb? That seems like a stretch.) Oh? Does it? The most evil person that we are acquainted with sent us a bomb? That seem awfully farfetched to you? (Well, when you put it like that...) And he was wearing rocket boots the whole time! We could’ve strapped the bomb to one of his rockets and launched it through the skylight without him having to carry it! {That reminds me, our landlord called and said that we definitely lost our security deposit because of that skylight.} (Ah DANG IT!!!!) I think that he waited until the timer was low to reveal that he was wearing rocket boots so he could make his sacrifice play. And hey, he knew that the time on the bomb was displaying the wrong time and yet he knew exactly when the bomb was actually going to go off. That isn’t suspicious to any of you??? (Look, if I made a big deal about everything I found suspicious our coworkers we’d never get anything done!) {Is this about my outstanding deal with the devil?} (No, actually.) And Parenthesis Guy, you even said that the funeral home seemed haunted during the funeral! What if that was Dr. Brainwave! What if he devised this whole scenario so he could die and become a ghost!  (Why would he do that? And doesn’t this all seem a little convoluted.) Yeah, dude, he’s a supervillain! Something the rest of you seemed to have lost sight of. Of course he would come up with an absurdly complicated plan to become a ghost. From a supervillain’s perspective, being a ghost would be way better than being a frail old human with the physique of a scientist.  (I don’t know man, I’m just not seeing it.) What! It makes total sense. He freaks us out with a bomb. Classic supervillain move. He puts us on an emotional rollercoaster by making us think he sacrificed himself to save us, causing us to question everything we thought we knew about the sort of person he was. All while shedding his physical form in order to commit crimes as a ghost. It’s a classic Brainwave move!  (I think maybe you should lie down buddy. You’re starting to go a bit crazy. And not in a fun way like the rest of us.) {Yeah when you make us look like the sane ones you’ve gotta throw in the towel man.} Yeah. Yeah ok, maybe you’re right. (Yeah, maybe we’re right. Let’s call it day, we’ve still gotta go feed the mutant alligators.) You guys go ahead I’ll catch up. {Ok, remember to put on your armor before you enter the alligator pen this time.} Yeah, yeah I’ll remember. All right Brainwave, the others are gone. I know you’re here.

<Uch fine. You got me.> You absolute bas- <Listen, you’re right. I’m every name you’re about to call me. But can we do this later? Right now, I need your help.>

[puttingfingerstokeys]

What’s in a Name?

Nanowrimo day 21 Featuring Sam Porter Bridges Dystopian future where Kojima’s stuck his dick in everything (I’m into it) Death Stranding, existential terror, solitude, first-person Finished and unedited

There are vast gaps of uninhabited wilderness, verdant, rock-strewn hillsides and towering crags with not a single, living soul for miles and miles. The only creatures which seem interested in making their homes here are oceanic-looking grubs, floating around shards of rock formations that resemble ancient reefs. They haven’t got a care in the world. Must be nice.

The sky maintains a constant mask of gray-white torpor with intermittent breaks of rain. The rumble of thunder always precedes an inverse rainbow and with that rainbow and the black rain that has come to be known as timefall, are the BTs. Are they the spirits of the departed, as a few, fringe cults have claimed since the event now known as the Death Stranding, or are they something else, something directly from The Beach? The answer to that is still in the wind, but there are people across the UCA, connected or otherwise, trying to figure it out. Good luck to ‘em, I say. 

What I know about it is… not much. Everyone has a Beach inside them, I guess, a smaller version of the one that sounds like it’s capitalized. When a human being dies, they might retreat to this beach, the spiritual part of them anyway, and there, they’ll rest. Or that was how it used to go… probably. 

The first voidout after the Stranding was a jarring occurrence for all of humanity. I honestly can’t remember it and couldn’t if pressed. Maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe my Beach is protecting me. I think of it like a subconscious safe zone where my brain can hide when it’s overtaxed. But I’m different than other people, since I’ve actually seen The Beach… or a Beach. I’m not sure. 

What I am is a repatriate, that is, someone who can pull themselves back from the dead, or from the Seam, which I guess is a place between this world and the next, like a womb. I’m not a fetus, though. I’m not one of the BB units, fetuses for whom I’ve always felt more than a little sympathy. They’re equipment, I’m told, but I just can’t see how a human life is equivalent to something that should be used then discarded. 

But I’m off-track. I… don’t get to chat much, to unload like this very often. Don’t worry, though, it’s not like people don’t care how I’m doing. It’s in their best interest to give a shit how I’m doing. I deliver their shit, after all. Porters are the lifeblood of what’s left of “America”, after all. 

Oh, shit, I’m getting ahead of myself… or behind myself. So, the little floaty guys that hang out near the fucked up reef rocks are called cryptobiotes. You can eat them. They don’t taste like much and they don’t wriggle, which is important because if they did, I swear I’d puke ‘em up every time. I think the name means “hidden life” or something. I don’t… know if everyone can see them. I can, obviously, which is how I know the taste. 

There are a few people left in the world who have a certain degree of sensitivity to BTs, their traces, their presence… their footprints. Every time I see one, even in the distance, it’s like I can feel a hand wrapping around my leg, my arm, my neck. It’s… not a good time and I’ve got the scars to prove it. BTs are totally invisible to most of humanity, whatever’s left of it, but there are a few of us out there who suffer from a condition called DOOMS. That’s what gives us our ability to sense and, in some cases, see them. 

I can’t see BTs. I’m sort of glad. Unless they get a handle on me, I only see phantoms and those awful hand-footprints they leave. Nothing compares to the gut-clenching terror of a BT catching your scent, or presence, or whatever it is they sense. They can’t see, I don’t think. They just… feel. You can hold your breath and move right on by them, but the moment you gasp, they’re on you and then it’s game over.

BTs are a nightmare for people without DOOMS, an invisible threat that only a BB unit can sense. Running into BTs in the field poses an extra threat to people who cannot see them and are not repatriates, too. See, contact between a BT and a human being is like… vinegar and baking soda. It’s explosive. I don’t really understand chirality, except that it’s a word which comes from ancient Greek and means “hands” or something. 

So the chirality between a living human or even semi-living cells like those of a corpse, causes a violent reaction like pre-Stranding nuclear fission… and post-Stranding, honestly. Even now, when humanity is on the brink, there are still some psychos out there who have attacked peaceful human cities with old world nukes. What kind of point can someone make with that kind of violence? But a voidout is so much worse than a nuke. 

Repatriates make smaller voidouts, because our energy goes elsewhere, like to The Beach or our Beach. I’m not clear on it, but I’ve read enough. Plenty of people want me to read what they have on events and the new laws of physics, post-Stranding. My position as both a DOOMS sufferer and a repatriate make me uniquely qualified to help expand this research. It’s my reticence to being… handled… that slows it. 

Anyway, back to BTs. So, the name “BT” comes from a phrase coined by what remains of the scientific community referring to these creatures (or whatever they are) as “beached things”, implying that they’re stuck between this world and the next. They are “beached”, that is, they are caught here, manifesting in the rain and thunder (which curiously never has what old world files call “lightning” to produce it?), attacking anything remotely living whenever it strays too close. 

Even now, I sort of wonder if that’s what happened to most of the wildlife. The only animals left that I’ve ever seen are the cryptobiotes and fish. BTs don’t seem to be able to affect things which are under or suspended over water. They’re sort of like old world vampires, needing certain conditions to proceed. In this case, water repels them… or it has, so far. I’m not holding my breath. 

BTs’ attraction to living matter has necessitated the presence of an entire occupation known as corpse disposal. It’s a noble profession, if you ask me. They’re putting their lives on the line every single time they get a call, running a tightly-wrapped body to the nearest incinerator. Fire seems to be the only way to put a human body outside the reach of a BT. 

The problem is, when a corpse is burnt, chiralium is still produced and I think it seeds the clouds, making them ripe for rain and where there’s rain, there’re BTs, plain and simple. Incinerator workers are another class of people I don’t envy. I mean, yeah, I’m a porter, but I’m out there, free to move about, hide, and I’ve got DOOMS and all that shit on my side. These people work in the thick of a fog of chiralium. I never hang around incinerators for long. 

So I just realized I used the word “chiralium” and kind of expected people to get it. Maybe for clarity I should just take a stab. Chiralium is a new state of… being, or matter. Yeah, it’s like the old world theories of dark matter. Scientists have guessed that it’s been there, floating around the universe since the beginning, but undetectable until the Death Stranding. Unlike dark matter, chiralium is actually measurable, not theoretical.

Chiralium is also extremely dangerous to non-DOOMS people, kind of like radiation, but for the emotions. It’s actually been known to degrade the mental state of a person such that they take their own lives just to escape it. People who suffer from DOOMS don’t even feel it. I’ve experienced weightlessness in the presence of a sizable crop of chiral crystals, and even giddiness, the literal opposite of depression, but never the deep sadness I see in the faces of people who have bene overexposed. 

Sometimes, that kind of exposure can be cured by administration of smart drugs like oxytocin. See, anymore, most human brains have been rendered nearly incapable of creating their own and so we, as a species, have learned to manufacture it. That kind of thing sounds like a quick fix recipe for disaster to me, but that’s above my pay grade. If it stops people triggering voidouts, I can’t knock it. 

Let’s see… Beaches, DOOMS, chiralium, the Stranding… I guess the last subject is America itself. 

The country, or what’s left of it, is divided into cities, scattered across the map and terrified of what’s between. Seeing what’s actually out here in these vast, largely-unoccupied wildernesses, I can understand that fear. If I didn’t want to be alone so desperately, I might do the same, hide in a shelter, cover my head, that kind of thing. But I do, so I can’t. 

The life of a porter has seen me traveling all over, delivering packages people can no longer send due to a lack of connection to the chiral network, the dream of an idealistic woman named Bridgette Strand, last president of the United States (now Cities) of America. Maybe I can deliver enough crap to people to keep them supplied for a good long while, but I���m just one person. Maybe it’s time to step up and do something bigger. I was part of Bridges I, the initial effort to travel coast-to-coast and reconnect the country, but… not anymore. 

I want to be that again. I’m terrified of taking another name. Sam Porter has suited me for so long, I’d nearly forgotten I was once a Strand. I don’t know if I want to be a Bridges, but I think I need to be… I think she needs me to be.