#...other people will be doing the same thing and when somebody affirms their boundaries it can only be because they're under attack...

[uncanny-tranny]

Being uncompromising on your boundaries doesn't make you the spawn of satan. It makes you a normal person, and anybody who makes you feel horrible about not compromising on your boundaries should perhaps be a yellow, if not red, flag, at least.

[mokutone]

Hi mokutone! I was wondering what your thoughts are on why Yamato insists on calling Kakashi senpai, even though Kakashi protests against the title. Thank you ^^

:O ! thank you for the question... this is gonna be another long one, so I'm gonna put it under a cut!

I go back and forth on this a lot!

Right now I'm of the mind that it's honestly kind of just...a comforting thing to him? I have two reasons for this.

1) Even though they share the same rank now, Yamato continuing to call Kakashi his "senpai" (despite Kakashi's insistence that they're equals now, and that he's Not Yamato's senior anymore) is about acknowledging and affirming the friendship that they had before, back in anbu.

(Generally, I think this is a big reason why Kakashi calls Yamato Tenzō too, and why I think Yamato is only superficially bothered by Kakashi calling him that)

2) I also think he might just not know what to do with a relationship outside of military hierarchy. Unlike Kakashi, unlike essentially everyone else in the village, he was never brought up in any kind of civilian or domestic environment. Even though Kakashi was raised by a shinobi, he would've seen civilians interacting in his daily life, and would have a general sense of how they interact with each other.

Yamato hasn't really had that! I think he can handle going to grocery stores and restaurants, teaching students, carrying out an interview, and helping people when they ask directions. He might get a little bit lost at parties, but then, if it's a party with games or with drinking he might find it a little easier.

Basically, I think that if there is a purpose to the interaction, it's very easy to carry out.

The thing is, if somebody is your friend, not your superior, not your mission partner, not even your co-captain, just...somebody you keep around because you like them...what do you do with that?

Obviously there aren't goals to that kind of relationship, there's not purposes, you just like them. Hopefully, they just like you. Isn't that kind of terrifying? I think, for Yamato, recatagorizing Kakashi from ''senpai'' to ''friend on equal footing'' might be just about as nervewracking for him as recatagorizing somebody from ''friend'' to ''lover'' might be for most other people.

There's no structure at all, a friend is just an amorphous bond of affection and love and shared experience. There's not really a guidebook for how to proceed. He doesn't really have much experience with it either, although I think we see him testing his boundaries a little in the anime,

What is a friend? What's appropriate interaction to have with a friend? Is it okay to feel like you are not directly doing anything to benefit the friend, other than existing? (Yes. Literally. Yes).

I think, because all he has known is being a lab experiment, and then a shinobi, generally he organizes his social interactions around completing a goal. I think when he goes drinking, the goal is to drink. If Karaoke is available, then that is a new goal to accomplish which can take the pressure off the other one. Also, it's possible to get better at Karaoke, which is even better! A goal that one might see progress in! (Well, he might even get a good grade in going to the bar; something which is normal to want and possible to achieve!)

In a conversation, if he is asked a question, the goal is to answer that question, or alternatively, to get his conversation partner to answer a question of his—an exchange of information is an exchange of trust. (Yes, this is certainly socializing. Yes, this is fitting in. It does feel good, really. It does feel natural. )

To my understanding, a senpai is somebody who you look up to and intend to learn from, somebody who has come before you—this has a goal. This has a purpose. This defines their relationship in an easily operable way. It is not amorphous, it is simple and linear, there are few fuzzy edges to get lost in. This is just Kakashi, who is very skilled, and Yamato, who intends to learn from him.

The problem, as I'm sure you've noticed and as Kakashi points out, is that while this label gives their relationship form, it also limits their roles within it. Kakashi is on a pedestal, and Yamato, beneath him.

Kakashi states his mild discomfort with this, he doesn't see their relationship this way! Yamato disregards Kakashi's opinion! Surprisingly, Kakashi allows Yamato to disregard it easily; (I think he understands that Yamato kind of needs to continue calling him senpai right now.)

There comes a point where this becomes kind of silly, right?

Yamato doesn't look up to Kakashi blindly—in team Kakashi's first mission with Yamato as captain, he seriously and openly criticizes Kakashi's method of leadership, and begins undoing some of the self-destructive practices that Kakashi inadvertently taught the kids.

Yamato has the power to rebuild the entirety of Konoha, to single-handedly restrain the nine-tails, and unfortunately, while being used by the enemy, to sustain an entire army of woodclones.

Kakashi is not his direct superior anymore, they're co-captains.

Still, somehow, Yamato insists that he will not let himself define his relationship to Kakashi as that of equals. While he obviously respects and adores Kakashi, I have to think that this choice on his part is not actually about Kakashi at all.

After all, if this was really about Kakashi, then when Kakashi told him "we're equals, you don't need to call me senpai anymore," then surely Yamato would have listened, and not flat out ignored Kakashi's insistence.

[gatheringbones]

[“ Ashley Ford: Yeah. Well, first of all, I believe loyalty is a thing that has to go both ways. I don’t think I owe my parents more loyalty than they owe me. And I don’t think that just because they kept me, or my mother kept me alive for 18 years, that that means I owe her my undying loyalty for the rest of my life. I got a whole big, long life going on. And I love her. Do I love her? Yes, absolutely. But in order to engage in a relationship, a friendship, a mother-daughter relationship that includes loyalty, I have to know that we have the same definition of love, and we have the same definition of loyalty. Those things are very, very important to me.

Ashley Ford: And to be honest, the thing that I’m always having to think about when I start to feel guilty, or I start to have those feelings that I was conditioned to have, because it serves my mother for me to have those feelings …

Glennon Doyle: That’s right.

Ashley Ford: When I start having those come up, I ask myself, okay, if my mother asks me to hide the ways that she hurt me, because if I talk about it it hurts her, is she making a loving request of me? Is that a loving and loyal request to make of somebody who you love? To ask them to suffer in silence with the harm that you caused them so that you will not be potentially harmed by the damage to your image?

Glennon Doyle: Damn.

Ashley Ford: Does that even sound like somebody who’s sorry for what they did? Are they sorry, or do they not want other people to know what they did? Are they sorry, or do they not want other people to see them the way they are? Because you’re not making something up when you tell the truth.

Glennon Doyle: That’s right.

Ashley Ford: You’re not lying on them. You’re not even really exposing them. They expose themselves when treated you that way. All you are doing is saying what happened. And somebody who would ask you to temper your healing, somebody who would ask you to alter your story, somebody who would ask you to suffer in silence is not making a loving request of you. That’s not love. So they may love you. And they may think the world of you, and they may want to hold onto you for dear life, but in that moment, they’re not doing a loving thing. The action is just not matching up with the intention. And it is okay for you to say, ‘The action is not matching the intention here, mom. I know that you love me, and I know that part of this is that you think you’re protecting me. You think you’re protecting me from having this story out in the world where I have the kind of mom who would do something, or say something like this. Part of you does think that, but there is a bigger part of you that is just worried about being called a bad mom. And the world can’t actually tell you if you’re a bad mom.”

Glennon Doyle: That’s right.

Abby Wambach: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Glennon Doyle: That’s right.

Ashley Ford: That’s your job. That’s your work.

Glennon Doyle: And Ashley, you don’t need to her. I think that one of the things that people struggle with so much with this and forgiveness, is you’re not asking her to admit anything or to agree with you. You’re not trying to get you both on the same page. I think that’s where people struggle. They say, “I can’t let go until she admits, or until we all agree.”

Abby Wambach: Need to see eye to eye here.

Ashley Ford: Right.

Glennon Doyle: But that’s not what you’re saying. One of the things I’m so obsessed with about you is you trust yourself enough to know what you know, regardless of whether there’s gaslighting or whatever from the other side. Right?

Ashley Ford: Yeah. But that required me figuring out that boundaries can exist in a relationship with people you love. I didn’t know that before. All of the protective instincts that I had been taught were about protecting my body, or protecting people who I love and care about. I had not been taught that sometimes, yes, you have to protect your self with people that love you. And if they feel bad about the fact that you have to protect yourself with them, that’s a them thing. You can’t fix that. You can’t be so silent and so giving and so wanting of them all at the same time that you soothe the part of them, that insecurity that is worried about being seen. You can’t protect them from it. You can’t protect them from you seeing that.

Glennon Doyle: And you’re only responsible for the boundary you set, not for the reaction to it.

Ashley Ford: Yes.

Glennon Doyle: Managing people’s reaction to the boundaries is what ruins us.

Ashley Ford: It is. When you try to manage the reactions of other people, when you try to manage other people’s reactions to your boundaries, you’re doing their work for them. It’s like your kid who really needs to learn their ABCs, and so they need to sit down and copy those ABCs on paper. And you’re like, “Actually, I can help with that. I know my ABCs. Let me just fill that out.” That’s not going to help them. They’re not going to learn from that. They’ve got to sit and do their ABCs. I love my mom so much that I trust her to be able to do her own work.

Glennon Doyle: Oh.

Ashley Ford: I love her that much. I am so, so deeply, deeply in love with who my mother wants to be.

Abby Wambach: Wow.

Ashley Ford: And who she is at the same time.

Abby Wambach: Wow.

Ashley Ford: I am in love with both of those people, but I know that those people need work, and she knows that those people need work, and I know I can’t do that work for her. It’s not my responsibility to do that work for her.”]

[solomonish]

selfless (to a fault?) [nowdateables]

CW: allusions to past toxic relationships.

brothers here!

Diavolo

So. Diavolo might not notice right away. It’s not ignorance! He’s just very busy, and public appearances are important to keep up, so one of the ways he keeps up with you happens to be exactly what you have trouble accepting. Large bouquets sent to the House of Lamentation when you’re there, a word sent out to any of his staff out where you may be to make your life easier however possible (Mammon tries to tag along with you all the time, hoping to hear the magic words: “His highness has graciously waived the fee for all exchange students’ purchases today!”) - and he’s not even there to see the way your smile looks a little more like a grimace, or the way you stare uncomfortably at the little gift.

He seems to love that you are so willing to try and help him out - even if there isn’t much you can do, since he handles a lot of sensitive documents and information. But, considering he’s so lonely, when it comes to reciprocating he sort of follows your lead?

He knows, on a surface level, how to be in a relationship, but considering you’re a human AND he doesn’t have a lot of interpersonal relationships for practice...he sort of follows your lead, and hopes your way of giving love is the same as your way of receiving.

You’ll have to bring it up to him, which is a nerve-wracking experience on its own, eased only by the fact that you know Diavolo has done his best to make sure you KNOW you can bring up any issues you have. He is very good at opening his ears to you and helping you problem solve, and when dealing with the things he cares about (yes, YOU) he is very direct about problem solving.

The moment you stand before him, Diavolo notices the way you fidget with your hands and almost refuse to look at him directly. He immediately stops what he’s doing, putting everything down and turning in his seat. If he’s at his desk, he gestures for you to come to his side and asks you directly - “What’s wrong?”

It seems terrible to directly accuse the prince of wanting to manipulate you, so instead you ask, “What did you want in exchange for those gifts?” And for a moment, he does not know what you are talking about. First of all, WHICH gifts, there’s so many, and secondly did he come across as wanting something in return other than your happiness?

No matter what he was doing before, he will set aside all of the time he needs to at least start to communicate to you that he has no ulterior motives with his gifts to you. If you’d like him to stop with such blatant displays of affection, he will, but it’s more important to him that you know he is only trying to communicate how he feels when he cannot do it directly.

Barbatos

This is a relationship where you might have to bring it up before you even start dating. Either that or he WILL get a hint before then. He’s a butler! Not only is he normally serving other people, he is a master at standing in the back and watching people. He notices the way you awkwardly hold your tea cup after he gives it to you, or decline anything that he offers you when given the chance. It just comes up by nature of who he is.

Before he is interested in pursuing a relationship, he simply brushes it off as the unfamiliarity of having someone wait on you. Perhaps you’re particularly independent, or you just never really are in a situation where someone waits on you like he does. Either way, it isn’t really much of his business.

But...it is very obvious in a relationship. He just...defaults to helping others. Sure, he knows how to separate work and his personal life (though, to be fair, there is not much of a “personal life” there with how much time work takes up, so maybe that needs to be revisited. some day...) but even with that separation he enjoys providing solutions for people and helping out. It brings him joy to help make your life a little easier if he can help, and it’s something he’s good at.

Still, he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and he definitely doesn’t want to make you think that he’s treating you the way he treats people as a job. If he wanted to, he could most likely peer into different timelines or even into your past, try to figure out what’s bothering you...but he knows better than to creep into places you haven’t explicitly told him you want him. Besides, communication is important, and this seems a prime opportunity to put that to use.

So he asks you one day when you visit him at the castle, after he notices your hesitation to respond to him when he offers to help you with something you were complaining about. “Why does it make you uncomfortable when I offer my assistance to you?”

You freeze for a moment. “Wouldn’t you be able to find that out on your own?” “Would you like me to?” “...no, not really.”

He isn’t one to press you for information, or to ask a thousand times if you know he’d never use any of his attempts to make your life in the Devildom easier against you. Barbatos will listen to what you have to say intently and do his best to mesh to what you think you’re most comfortable with. He does intend to help you accept help as much as he can, but it’ll be so subtle you’ll hardly even notice. With the little amount of time he already gets with you, he’s already practiced in making the most of it - what’s one more little task to the greatest butler in all the realms?

Solomon

See, this is a relationship that doesn’t necessarily depend on the whole “acts of kindness” thing. (Like, it does to the same degree any relationship does, but considering I think you’d both be pretty independent people and the helping each other aspect normally comes from things you’re doing together anyway. If that makes sense.)

Still, he does notice how...surprised you look when he surprises you with a flashy spell he learned, or when he hears you complaining about your course load or Lucifer’s expectations for you. You decline every single offer he gives you to help, and you never look as happy as he hopes you will when he shows you his spells. (Depending on what stage you are at in the relationship, how is he supposed to impress you if you never want him to do things for you !!!)

However, he is accustomed to holding information close to his chest, and he isn’t always the best at asking about people’s emotions. So, even though sometimes you jump at the opportunity to help him collect ingredients for potions or find one book in massive libraries or craft things for enchantments and spells but you REFUSE to let him help you study for a class he could pass without even listening to one of the lectures, he silently suffers and hopes you’ll breach the subject on your own.

Which you do. Kinda. He’s trying to convince you to let him help you with paying back the debts of one of Mammon’s schemes he dragged you into - figuring two bodies on the job will get it done faster and, in turn, he can have more time with you later - but he makes the mistake of rationalizing it with, “Well, since you help me out so much, maybe I could-”

“Don’t! Don’t...say that. We don’t owe each other anything.” You give him a tight smile that’s OBVIOUSLY fake. “I help you because I want to.”

“And I want to help you. Why won’t you let me? What’s up?”

The conversation is...uncomfortable. Solomon isn’t the best at handling vulnerability. But he doesn’t judge you for a second, and he gets the fear that you have in the back of your mind. Especially since people keep telling you not to trust him and that he’s shady...this relationship is pretty dependent on a thorough trust between the two of you. But he doesn’t mind proving himself a little more, so long as you’ll be gracious enough to give him a chance.

Simeon

Simeon is really good at vibing out somebody’s boundaries and comforts. Call it angelic intuition, but he also has a feeling about you that makes a little too much sense when he notices how you shy away from any offers of assistance.

A little thinking, and suddenly the way you stretch yourself thing to help the brothers at any moment makes a lot of sense too. (And, of course, he is pleased to know everyone considers everyone to be family. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t two main causes!)

Angels naturally want to ease the strife of the humans they come across, and even though Simeon knows that it might make you uncomfortable, he finds himself unknowingly putting you in awkward positions with how often he reaches out to make your life easier.

Bringing you homework that you missed, being your escort when the brothers are busy, buying you lunch just because - he’s a bit of a sweetheart and it’s in his blood to do these things, and he only remembers how it hurts you when you uncomfortably shift before taking the only option he’s given you - accept what you don’t want.

He sits you down one day, letting you know it’s bound to be a healing conversation between the two of you. Fortunately, he has a knack for making you feel comfortable and safe, so he has a slightly easier time getting you to pen up to him.

The moment you even hint at him having ulterior motives, you feel stupid. Even when he assures you that it’s alright, saying it out in the open feels...wrong. That doesn’t shake the feeling or ease your fears, but it does make addressing things a bit easier.

Simeon has no problem helping to draft a plan for re-affirming your trust in genuine love and kindness. He also inserts himself directly into the plans - what, you thought he wouldn’t? Simeon will remind you what it feels like to be cared for with no expectation of return. don’t get him wrong though, he’ll take a lil kiss or something if u want...

Luke

You can’t say no to him. Unfortunately, he bakes a LOT and he is all too eager to be your personal guard dog guardian angel.

When you do decide to let him know why you look so uncomfortable when he tries to do something for you (giving him an abridged version, of course) - and he, in all his energy, does not seem to get the hint to STOP ASKING - you can see him literally just chill out. One minute he’s vibrating with pure energy and the next he’s just. Still.

He half wants to get indignant on you, but he knows that’s not a good response. Instead he just sort of stands there, watching you for a minute, until he blurts out with zero grace - “What would I even have to do that for??”

He realizes it’s a terrible response the moment it comes out of his mouth, but you seem to be okay with it if your awkward chuckle is anything to go with. Luke starts pouting just a little bit, more upset with himself that he’s completely failing at handling this situation. “I’m just nice to you because you’re nice and you deserve it. There’s nothing else to it.”

He’s a sweet boy, and he doesn’t wanna lose his favorite taste-tester. He’s got the spirit.

[marshmallowprotection]

How would the RFA react to MC getting in another strange chatroom with other people?

For some reason, my stalker (he’s my friend, but he stalks me and I don’t know why. I leave him be anyways, he isn’t doing anything harmful,) added me in a server which had a strange profile. I didn’t mind at first, no one in that server was talking for two whole weeks. I decided, what the heck, and joined the vc with people who were talking in that vc room. And surprise surprise, they all had nearly the same reaction as the RFA. They’re a lot of people in that server, only two of us were girls, (the other one was named Maybel, I know her), but the others? They were flipping out, and were tagging Maybel to find out who I was, or else they’d have to politely ban me (if that’s even a word lmao.)

Either way, I was calm enough to handle 20+ of them, 7 of them in the vc and the rest chatting in the channel. Who knew Mystic messenger would be a great game to handle being in a room with strangers that a stalker(ish) invited you in?

-Nyx

Yoosung understandably is surprised by the fact that you went through this sort of thing again. It wasn't like you willingly sought out the trouble, to be fair. He is worried for your sake because he doesn't want you to get wrapped up in something dangerous that he can't protect you from. He'll put himself out there if he has to, but he's not sure how capable he is of that.

He wants to say that he's brave and that he's capable but protecting you, but he knows that he doesn't have as much resources as the other guys to do. So, the most he can do is offer you some emotional safety. He'll talk to the others about trying to secure your safety. But the most important thing to him is making sure that you feel safe and sound and that you know it's okay to ask for help and be upset. You didn't do that when you came into the messenger, so he wants you to know that now. He can be that voice of reason to make sure that you don't feel out of place.

Jaehee would be surprised that you got wrapped up in this, honestly. She never thought that you could get into this twice. It really was a wonder that didn’t really make much sense at all. She can’t blame you for what happened, though, she knows that you were pulled into it. It’s not your fault, but you handled it as best a you could and that’s saying something.

She would affirm your comfort and safety as soon as possible and help you get things settled so you know what is okay and what isn’t. You need to make a lot of boundaries to protect yourself here and she’s ready to do what she can to ensure that happens. Don’t worry, she would fight for you if needed. 

Zen isn't really the most tech-savvy person in the universe but he's surprised that this has happened to you more than once. He's more worried about your comfort and the fact that someone's been following you. You don't have to worry about that anymore, because he's not going to let you go anywhere without him at your side. You never have to feel uncomfortable because he will beat anyone that dares to make you feel unsafe. 

Your emotional safety is also important to him so he's ready to talk about whatever you need to say. He just wants you to feel like you don't have to prove anything to anyone else. If you feel uncomfortable, then you're uncomfortable. You deserve to feel safe. No matter where you are.

Jumin is definitely concerns that this happened more than once. However, it appears as though this time it was not by your choice. You do not have to worry about feeling ashamed of yourself for being involved in something that you didn't go out seeking. Your comfort is the most important thing to him and it definitely sounds like somebody's been stepping on yours. 

He's the one that's likely to sit down with you and comfort you. He wants to know what the problem is so he can take the steps to make sure that this doesn't happen again. It wouldn't be hard for him to take care of this problem in the background after he has the information about this man that keeps bothering you.

Seven warned you a hundred times that you needed to be more careful with your safety online. You wandered into this chat room in that meant that you had the ability to wander into any other chat room and get into trouble. That's the last thing that he wanted to happen to you. But, he's not going to blame you for getting involved in something. 

He's going to sit down with you and help you handle the situation. Nobody's going to make you feel uncomfortable or put you in a position where you feel like you're lacking all of the Power. He's more concerned about the fact that someone was willing to pull you into a space to get control over you. Then he is about you being pulled into a chat room against your will.

[evilmortys]

hi  i  think  it’s  important  to  clarify  that  i  don’t  hate  rick  entirely!  

i  enjoy  his  antics  a  lot,  i  think  he’s  very  interesting ;  the  complexity  of  his  character  isn’t  lost  on  me  just  because  i  happen  to  take  issue  with  some  of  his  behavior  and  choices  and  do  it  very  vocally---

nor  do  i  think  morty  is  a  perfect,  infallible,  angelic  character  who’s  done  nothing  wrong  ever  in  his  life.  between  the  two  of  them,  though,  morty  is  undoubtedly  the  better  person  and  i  personally  find  his  flaws  more  endearing  because  they  are  very  human  and  understandable  beneath  the  layer  of  sci-fi,  crazy  adventure  bullshit  they’re  veneered  with.  

he  suffers  with  anxiety.  he’s  traumatized.  he’s  struggling  in  school.  he’s  crushing  on  a  girl  hopelessly  and  unable  to  take  any  real  action  upon  it  due  to  a  lack  of  confidence.  until  recently,  he  was  something  of  a  pushover.  he  struggles  making  friends.  he  has  an  unspecified  learning  disability�� (morty  is  very  likely  autistic).  his  family  is  often  very  indifferent  to  the  issues  he  has  to  contend  with.  although  he  tends  to  word  things  very  bluntly  and  thoughtlessly,  in  ways  that  can  make  him  seem  childish,  he  actually  takes  the  role  of  someone  very  mature  within  the  family  dynamic.  morty  is  a  good,  flawed  person,  with  a  tendency  to  fuck  up  and  make  mistakes,  but  he’s  always  trying  at  the  very  least.

jerry  is  a  hapless  manchild,  beth  is  largely  fixated  on  herself  and  her  dynamic  with  her  father,  and  rick  is  an  irresponsible,  uncaring  dick  who  endangers  them  all  regularly  in  the  name  of  thrill  seeking  and  engages  in  an  egregious  amount  of  manipulation,  gaslighting  and  emotional  /  verbal  abuse  of  people  he  claims  to  care  about.  

morty  and  summer  have  demonstrated  far  more  emotional  maturity  over  the  course  of  the  show  than  their  parents  or  grandfather  have:  see  when  summer  called  her  dad  out  for  being  a  closeted  racist  and  general  bigot  when  jerry  almost  got  his  kids  killed  as  a  result  of  his  cowardice  when  it  came  down  to  breaking  up  with  his  alien  girlfriend,  and  when  morty  snapped  at  beth  for  making  summer  feel  badly  about  her  appearance  and  neglecting  to  emotionally  support  her  when  she  needed  to  hear  words  of  affirmation.  the  two  of  them  were  happy  to  attend  therapy  and  asked  to  go  again  after  the  one  and  only  session,  only  to  be  ignored,  and  their  feelings  in  the  matter  utterly  dismissed,  while  their  mother  dropped  them  off  at  home  without  the  slightest  acknowledgement  of  that  request  to  go  and  get  drunk  with  her  father.  craving  his  validation  like  she’s  still  a  young  girl  comes  first  and  foremost  for  her.

there’s  also  the  incident  with  pluto  to  consider.  he  put  aside  an  opportunity  to  get  an  objectively  flawless  grade,  no  sweat,  with  rick’s  help,  to  instead  preserve  his  father’s  feelings,  bond  with  him  over  a  father - son  project,  and  attempt  to  bolster  jerry’s  confidence  in  himself  and  his...  intelligence.  a  fourteen  year  old  is  able  to  pick  up  on  his  dad’s  emotional  needs,  yet  so  rarely  has  his  own  ever  acknowledged  or  consistently  supported  within  the  show.  yes,  we  occasionally  see  boundaries  being  established  for  morty  when  it  comes  to  rick  that  beth  will  enforce  for  all  of  an  episode  or  two,  but  they  rarely  seem  to  be  lasting.  their  parents  are  highly  emotionally  immature,  and  the  children  of  such  parents  often  have  to  take  on  responsible  roles  from  a  young  age.  summer  takes  a  more  rebellious,  strong  stance  on  how  she  conducts  herself,  whereas  morty  tends  to  be  more  uptight,  no  nonsense,  anxious,  and  easily  agitated  by  being  dismissed  and  brushed  off  when  he’s  trying  to  help.

the  fact  that  he  can  be  forcibly  hauled  with  rick  on  death  defying  adventure  upon  death  defying  adventure,  to  the  point  of  staying  away  days  on  end  with  little  to  no  rest  and  full  on  sobbing  and  breaking  down  after  their  more  elongated  expeditions  without  his  family  seeing  fit  to  intervene  speaks  volumes  to  me.  he  cares  about  his  family  so  much  and  yet  they  so  rarely  seem  to  reciprocate  that.  summer  and  beth  have  both  expressed  admiration  for  and  often  seek  the  admiration  of  rick,  somebody  who  is  often  not  worthy  of  being  put  on  a  pedestal  and  looked  up  to.  morty’s  said  it  best:  he’s  not  a  hero.  not  even  close.  he’s  an  abusive  dickhead  who  occasionally  pulls  his  head  out  of  his  ass  and  does  the  right  thing,  or  a  good  thing.  but  two  people  in  his  family  see  his  objectively  terrible  traits  as  positive  things  ---  and  sometimes  even  he  feels  the  need  to  suck  up  to  rick  and  have  rick  like  him.

morty  can  be  perverted,  whiny,  and  stubborn,  and  as  i’ve  said,  he  tends  to  fuck  up  and  makes  mistakes  a  lot.  his  judgement  can  be  incredibly  poor  sometimes.  but  he’s  rarely,  if  ever,  malicious  with  his  intentions.  (probably  the  worst  thing  he’s  done  morally  is  the  love  potion  thing.)  

he  places  the  value  of  other  lives  and  other  feelings  above  his  own,  always.  he’s  a  character  worthy  of  being  rooted  for,  he’s  a  character  capable  of  being  better  than  his  worst  traits,  yet  he  generally  gets  put  down�� for  bitching  about  things  that  are  perfectly  understandable  for  him  to  be  upset  and  annoyed  over. 

the  same  can’t  often  be  said  for  rick.  but  since  old  man  fuckers  want  to  suck  his  cock,  he  gets  countless  free  passes  on  all  of  the  shit  he  subjects  his  family  to.  he  has  relatable  issues,  too:  his  depression,  his nihilism,  his  self-destructive  tendencies.

but  they  manifest  so  much  better  for  me  personally  in  a  character  like  morty,  who  tries  so  hard  to  be  better  without  fixating  on  how  pointless  it  might  be  and  how  replaceable  the  people  in  his  life  are.  the  universe  constantly  punishes  him  for  being  unselfish,  for  giving  a  shit,  and  yet  he  still  tries.  that  is  admirable.

rick  is  good  sometimes,  and  i  enjoy  his  character  massively  when  he’s  not  being  an  extreme  dick,  when  he’s  joking  around,  and  caring  about  others,  and  helping  out  his  family.  but  for  the  most  part,  he’s  a  piece  of  shit,  and  people  who  pretend  he’s  not  are  genuinely  aggravating.  being  the  most  intelligent  man  in  the  multiverse  isn’t  an  excuse  to  be  a  condescending  prick  to  everyone  you  stumble  upon,  to  only  help  yourself  out  at  the  best  of  times,  or  to  be  indifferent  and  inherently  abusive  toward  the  family  that  3/5  members  of  clearly  want  you  to  love  and  care  about  them  just  like  they  do  you.

[lihikainanea]

Vibe of the Week 20/09

Oh man I cannot wait for Libra season to be upon us. Not only because I’m a Libra (birthday in 12 days, AND I get a full moon that night. Bliss) but because I’m also hoping shit gets just a tad more balanced for at least a little while.

Leo season is so fucked up and like true Leos they went and sort of obliterated Virgo season too and I’m just...I am burnt.

There was no Vibe of the Week last week because I held a Tarot Hour on Friday night, and that one hour turned into 4 hours and it honestly took me a week to recuperate. That was a lot of energy. I loved spending time with you guys, I loved answering your questions and I can only hope that maybe it helped provide a bit of insight. I’ll hold another Tarot Hour in October, but I need to re-think how I go about it. Four hours was a total TKO for me, but at the same time, I couldn’t leave the questions unanswered.

So, let’s start fresh this week. I’m doing something a little different for the Tarot, and instead of a five-card spread I’m doing a trusty Celtic Cross that will perhaps delve a little deeper into what’s going on.

The decks this week are: Nocturna for the Oracle,  and the weird, macabre, creepy Deviant Moon for the Tarot.

The Oracle card this week is Starfish:

Words to meditate on: Healing, regrowth, loss, moving on

The affirmation: Pain is necessary but suffering is not. Loss is painful but inevitable.

Gulp. This is the equivalent to the Wheel of Fortune card in Tarot, I’d venture to say. Starfish are some of the only creatures on Earth that are able to regrow lost limbs--not only that, but there are so many neat little nerves in Starfish that allow for the severed limb to actually...regenerate into a whole new Starfish.

Do not play down the loss you are feeling, or the loss that is coming your way. Do not automatically default to looking for the silver lining. There is honour in pain, there is growth in pain, and sometimes if we immediately look for the positives--we miss the lesson. We do not grieve properly, we do not feel our emotions in a way that then allows us to work through them, instead of burying them deeper under the guise of positivity.

Feel the pain, understand it, and come out of it. The best way out, is through.

The spread. Please do ignore the raspberry bars in the photo--my kitchen counters are a mess and I had nowhere to put them:

The Situation: Five of Pentacles

The conflict: Nine of Wands

The atmosphere around the situation: Page of Wands

The potential root of the situation: Ten of Pentacles

Past influences: Nine of Pentacles

Future influences: Seven of Swords

Where we at now: Six of Swords

How others perceive our reality: Three of Wands

Hopes and Fears: The Empress (Major)

Potential Outcome: Justice (Major)

What the fuCK.

Alright look, you know how sometimes, you’re in the middle of something—say a tennis match—and you’re like I got this. Balls are coming flying at your head and you’re only hitting maybe one out of every three, but your confidence is astounding. I got this I got this I got this. But then, balls start coming at you from everywhere, now you’re swinging blindly and not even hitting any, now the panic is setting in and you’re shrieking I GOT THIS I GOT THIS I GOT THIS but like you very clearly don’t got this, and you need help, and eventually balls are just hitting you from everywhere and you literally take off fleeing from the court still screaming that you got this?

It you.

You don’t got this.

Not even close.

First of all, there’s a total absence of Cups in this spread, which means your mind  and your greed (not a bad thing) is running rampant without anything to keep it in check and that is ALWAYS a recipe for disaster.

The issue at hand and the thing motivating you this week has to do with health and home—money, your job, your livelihood. It’s a complete fucking train wreck (Five of Pentacles) but there you are, not only denying it’s a train wreck, but insisting that everything is going exactly according to plan (Nine of Wands).

What fucking plan, kid? WHAT PLAN? You don’t have a plan. This is not a plan. Just admit that you’re in deep shit.

But you can’t, for whatever reason—maturity level, being seen as a failure, something here is stopping you from admitting that oh god this was not at all the plan. And instead of admitting that and dealing with it, you’re staying steadfast on this route to disaster all while screaming incoherently how much you’ve got this (Page of Wands).

And beneath it all, you’re driven by this utter need to be deemed a “success” by whatever it is that you think is the marker for success (Ten of Pentacles). Is it money? Do you want to be able to afford the entire La Mer skin care? You will not stop until that is your reality. Is it a home? Do you want to be able to sign for a mortgage? You will think you are a complete failure until this is your reality. Whether it’s a target salary, a target career, a target health goal—you are on one track, and you’re ignoring the journey and the successes along the way. Success means one thing to you, and until you have it—you fail.

And maybe you’re so driven by this monster because you’ve had it before (Nine of Pentacles). Maybe you had it real good and you want it again. Or maybe you know somebody who has it, so you know it CAN BE HAD, and oh god that only makes it worse. Because if they have it, then clearly it can be had, which means you can have it. You just have to go batshit crazy trying to get it.

But like…beware. Do not judge what others have or how they got it, you don’t get to know that information. There is always deception at play (Seven of Swords), and if you’re not careful, then the motivation behind your drive is going to be a fucking figment of your imagination. We live in a culture now where people minimize the struggle. Instagram influencers make their fortunes by pretending that insane shit is just to easy to obtain. That it’s normal. It’s not, man. Recognize that deception for what it is. Recognize that veil that hides our reality—in fact, don’t just recognize it. LOOK for it. Search for that deception. It’s there, I promise you. Nobody has it all, and nobody has it that easy either. If it seems too good to be true—it is. Plain and simple.

So, we going through some shit, right? And now we’re at the point where all the balls are coming flying at our heads and we’re swinging blindly, and now it’s time to run away (Six of Swords). To run away shrieking that we’ve still got this, all the while putting actual distance between ourselves and the problem. Because the problem is calling us out. The problem knows how much we don’t got this, and it’s backing us into a corner, so we’re running the fuck away. And sometimes distance is good, sometimes it gives us perspective—just don’t let it give you that false sense of confidence. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, when we look at it from the benefit of hindsight. Don’t get those rose coloured glasses, kid—this was as bad as it seemed and you, in no conceivable notion, ever had an ounce of control about it.

And not that perception of others matters, but sometimes it can give us a clue. And the people surrounding you, they’re kinda wondering why you can’t just…let a good thing be a good thing (Three of Wands). Why you always gotta tear that good thing down, and try to build something EVEN BETTER as soon as you get it? When you fail to honour the good, fail to honour the struggle—you’re never satisfied. That forward-vision does nothing but paralyze you, because you’re always wanting something more and something better as soon as you got even an inkling of what you wanted.

Deep down, you know that. The Empress and Justice here, two Majors, tell me that you’re a little aware of at least how exhausting this cycle is on you. You hope to one day be that peaceful, creative force—but heed the warning, too, that creativity and ambition without pragmatism and a legit, reasonable plan will just continue you on this downward spiral (The Empress). Put structure. Put boundaries. Set reachable targets, and when you hit them—STOP. Relax. Take a deep fucking breath and honour that win.

And what a lovely final card to end this reading, as we step into Libra season. Justice. The absolute sign of Libra. Justice in the final outcome tells us that balance can be achieved if we stop going all fucking Rambo on our ambitions and our own personal definitions of success and failure. The natural equilibrium is at play here. Trust yourself a bit more, have faith in your own goals and ambition and your ability to achieve those things. Balance out your need for success with your need to be a well balanced, fucking functional human being. Recognize the success in the middle ground, in the peace, in the balance of that.

If you’re cognizant of your current internal war, if you recognize that maybe you’re going a little too all-in, if you become aware of the fact that you don’t got this—things will start working out from there, kid.

But the universe can’t step in and help us when we’re still swinging our tennis racket blindly, screaming about how much we got this.

[sapphic-sex-ed]

Any tips on how to stop feeling predatory? I'd never do anything someone wasn't comfortable with but I'm stuck with this feeling that any feeling (even just wanting to be closer friends) is predatory and that I'm being a creep to people. I know I'm probably not but I have finally found friends I actually care about but I'm worried I'll drive them off by wanting to be closer to them than they want to be to me. I feel like I'm asking too much too, even when I'm not?

This is a real common feeling among wlw (esp. trans wlw) because society has for a long time labeled out mere attraction predatory. We’ve been taught through media or through remarks friends and family and even strangers have made, remarks not even directed at you but that you might just have overheard, that same-gender attraction is Bad and Disgusting and Intrusive. Think the common reaction among straight girls who find out a person is attracted to women and stop inviting them to sleep overs, react to their coming out with “ew you’re not in love with me, are you?” or become uncomfortable changing after gym in the same room as the wlw. 

It’s conditioning.

All those things are false though. Most people experience sexual attraction, and simply being attracted by somebody isn’t predatory - it’s something you can’t control. What would be predatory would be overstepping boundaries and disregarding consent. Stalking. Persuing somebody when they have turned you down. Coercion. Those are predatory. Finding somebone attractive, having a crush, asking somebody out and accepting it if they decline are not predatory.

These feelings suck but you’re far from the only sapphic experiencing this. We’ve historically been excluded from women’s spaces because straight women think we’ll act like men (another thing that is still happening both for cis wlw in some places but happens all the damn time for trans women in general and extra for trans wlw, even in wlw specific places. Please don’t do to trans women what have been done to us too. It’s the same type of biggotry and trans women belong in women’s spaces, especially queer women’s spaces). 

A strategy to help can be that you start outright asking for peoples boundaries. One should always be mindful of people’s displays of boundaries and consent, but when one’s perception is this distorted, it can really help to stop trying to read into people’s subtle signs and just ask them to state when they feel uncomfortable. Ask for consent, tell them to mark boundaries clarly and verbally. This is a strategy people who grew up in abusive households often do as they have been conditioned to overthink every little display of disatisfaction. 

With this strategy you will over time relearn how to interpret other’s displays of boundaries as they will show with their body as well as affirm verbally, and you will learn to reinterperate that body language over time. 

It’s a proncess, but it can be really helpfull, and I hope it is helpfull to you.

-mod liz

[charismastaticarchive]

HC: dr. maruki takuto | mental health practioner representation

when i first finished persona 5 royal, i had the thought to myself that the game was almost comically anti-therapy. here is the one of the only pieces of media i have ever seen with an active, important counselor character, and.... to be honest, to begin with, it honestly feels like his social link is more you (a high school student) counseling HIM about his academic research paper. couple that with him ‘just wanting everyone to be happy and ignore reality’ and his boss fight where, instead of talking him down (bc who needs to talk about their problems, right), u fight him literally just fist fighting ur therapist in a denny’s parking lot basically (paralleling the fight with jose the actualization eggboy where instead of talking to jose about his feelings, u fight so u can both ‘vent your frustrations’), it seemed clear to me that SOMEBODY on the team had a problem with their therapist, or their guidance counselor, or both, and they had no intention of showing mental health practioners in a positive light

but then. i remembered something. while therapy CAN be a healing experience----therapists are still fallible people with personal problems, that make bad ethical calls that negatively effect their clients all the time. they are given a position of authority over another person’s very mental state, their thoughts and feelings, and their job to their client is to treat their innermost desires and feelings with not just care and kindness---but a clinical, ethical, standard-practice tried-and-true treatment. and the reality of mental health practices is that it is a constantly evolving field in which fallible mental health practioners with busy lives outside of their clients can fall prey to pop psych theories and their own emotions and experiences instead of doing their actual job, maintaining boundaries and ethical standards. and for the history of mental health services----mental health practioners have largely done a lot of harm to their patients.

one specific example i would like to use because it parallels kasumi and dr. maruki perfectly is the case of ‘sybil’---or, the two people in reality and not just the fictionalized account of it---dr. cornelia b. wilbur and shirley ardell mason, who popularized the ‘multiple personality disorder’ diagnosis.

shirley ardell mason was a woman who had been abused in her past, who had depression, and anxiety, and was very clearly mentally ill, and desperate for any kind of approval. dr. wilbur was her psychiatrist---who basically saw symptoms within shirley that COULD be multiple personality disorder, and suggested it to her patient so strongly that shirley started to act out the multiple personalities in order to make her doctor happy. she later was so scared of telling dr. wilbur that it was all an act that she left a note at her office explaining----dr. wilbur said that the note was merely written by one of her alternate personalities, and continued treatment. together, dr. wilbur and shirley went through a process of ‘reintegrating’ the personalities that would supposedly cure shirley of all the trauma, anxiety and depression that plagued her pretty much he whole life, a process that you can just see on tumblr that is widely hated for people with actual dissociative identity disorder, that they want no part in, and in the process of doing so, shirley became basically a ‘professsional patient’ as she had no means of paying dr. wilbur for their sessions other than sleeping on her psychiatrist’s couch and selling her life story as ‘sybil,’ which later became a tv movie that like 60% of every household in america saw. she became completely financially and emotionally dependent on dr. wilbur.

this is a real thing that happened and that led to further misdiagnoses as more and more people were coaxed into the diagnosis in the same way as shirley was, and is not any less real than any positive experience i’ve ever had with a therapist. and i’ve certainly had negative experiences with psychiatrists and guidance counselors and nurses and therapists alike.

dr. maruki literally takes whatever ideas he has or wants from people, and warps their realities to his desire for them. does ryuji really want to be on the track team? by the end of his social link, it seems that yeah, it’d be nice in another life, but it’s not the end of the world if he’s not on it. dr. maruki takes his own ideas about other people and amplifies them, changes them, pretty much preys on them to further his own ideals for an impossible ‘true’ world where no one suffers, when a lot of humanity had already accepted their suffering and were dealing with it in the healthiest manner they possibly could. but more damning than that instead of being a guidance counselor and guiding people towards their own ACTUAL goals instead of just what dr. maruki thinks would be their best possible life----dr. maruki abuses his position as a doctor and an authority figure in everyone’s lives to use them to make his own paradise in a way that affirms his worst fears and doubts about himself (that he doesn’t deserve to be a human being with feelings and has to be a completely selfless martyr of a being, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy with other people and that he must always remain outside of them, that he doesn’t deserve love in that respect, and that he can never have a true equal or a partner or even a real friend), without taking other people’s wishes into account as he claims to, and then making them completely reliant on him. he makes himself a god, he warps people into forgetting themselves and their actual goals so they can be ‘happy’, and in doing so---he has to continue this role of ‘god’ and ‘happy person’ forever, to the point where it’s very obvious no person in his world can be indepdent or make thei own actual decisions.

and yes, he does it out of kindness. maybe dr. wilbur really thought she was helping shirley. after all---it has to be appealing, as a pyschiatrist, to be able to diagnose someone with a disorder as multiple personality disorder was thought of at the time, in which you can ‘fix’ for them, reintegrate them, make them whole and happy and cured. but reality isn’t so simple. trauma isn’t so simple. being a mental health practitioner is a lot harder work than being a god---it’s being a human person, with their own human opinions, who has to constantly go to conferences and seminars and read books to stay up to date on on the latest information, it’s long hours of dealing with people in crisis who may never get out of crisis, when you still have to go home at the end of the day to rest and recharge yourself. it’s work, and it doesn’t pay well, and it doesn’t always seem to matter in the long run how much work you put in---but recognizing yourself as a fallible human being is the first step to getting better at being a mental health practioner. it’s how you can make sure you’re not doing stuff that harms your clients, or yourself. and it’s also how you become a better and more fulfilled person like, in general.

so. the final verdict on persona 5 royal’s representation of therapists is. it’s actually very realistic. and i hope people are not dissuaded by it to not to go to therapy. but that they know that some therapists, and some people, will be kind but ultimately misguided and wrong. and it’s always best to like. ya know. shop around when going to therapy for the first time. maybe don’t go to the first person that offers you snacks. like maybe see if they can tell you the framework in which they operate and if they say ‘fruedian’ or ‘cognitive pscience’ just uh. get the hell out of there lol

[mothric]

Hi, friend! This is kind of a weird question, but I know you deal with a lot of mental struggles specifically relating to Christianity, (If that makes sense,) and I have a Thing: I'm almost 21. I'm coming up on 16 years of being best friends with this girl, and in the past few months, ai've started to realize that the friendship is really toxic for me, so I've been trying to disentangle myself from her for the sake of my mental health. (1/2 hopefully)

My problem is, I keep feeling like that isn’t Scriptural. Like, nowhere in Scripture does it encourage you to walk away from toxic/abusive situations. You’re encouraged to love, to give without worrying about what you get in return, (Which sounds an awful lot like supporting them even when you know you can’t lean on them,) and to “value others as greater than yourself.” If your neighbor asks for your cloak, give them your coat, (visa versa?) Etc. (2/3)

So I feel guilty and selfish about trying to get out of the situation, like I’m not really showing God’s love. But it was affecting my mental health to the point where it was affecting my physical health. And she has depression, anxiety, etc. Which just makes me feel WORSE, because I don’t want to abandon her, but it also feels like she’s extremely manipulative. We haven’t spoken in over a week, but her birthday is coming up tomorrow. Part of me wants to message her happy birthday, (¾)

While the other part of me thinks that’ll just be opening the door for the cycle to start all over again. And part of me feels like I should LET it, because as a Christian, it’s my responsibility to show God’s love without putting myself first. It’s just got me very worried, so I wanted to message you. Sorry this is so long! (4/4) 

Hi there friend,

I apologize in advance, this is going to be a very long answer, as there is a lot to unpack. But I’ve been in similar situations so this hits close to home, and I really want to share what God has been teaching me in this area.

the tl;dr is, no, you are not in the wrong for walking away from an abusive relationship, even as a Christian. and there is Scripture to support it.

Firstly, I’m really sorry to hear your friend doesn’t treat you lovingly and that your relationship has deteriorated to this point. It is always a sad thing to lose someone we love, especially when that loss comes from the realization that they aren’t good for you or good to you. It is really difficult to see toxic behaviours for what they are when we love someone, because we want to believe the best of them. I’m proud of you for recognizing these things and acknowledging that you yourself have a limit.

You say that there is no Scripture that encourages walking away from, or breaking off, abusive situations. Allow me to provide some evidence to the contrary:

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” (Prov. 22:24-25) 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matt. 18:15-17)

“As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.” (Titus 3:10-11)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Rom. 12:18)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Prov. 15:4)

This is just scratching the surface, my friend. There are plenty more passages that address unhealthy relationships, condemn unloving behaviour, acknowledge the pain of being on the receiving end of harmful words and actions, and speak to the reciprocity of real love. The Bible may never outright say the words “emotional abuse” or “toxic relationship”, but you can see even from these few passages that there is meant to be a standard for the way Christians treat each other, and there is a limit on tolerating divisive, abusive behaviour. Especially from people who say they love Christ.

Let me ask you this: Did God command David, in the Old Testament, to just sit and accept the abuse he received from King Saul? Did God condemn David for fleeing for his life? Did God condemn Jonathan for standing up to his abusive father or for helping his best friend escape him? 

Let me also ask you this: Will an abusive person recognize their harmful behaviour if such behaviour is silently tolerated? Is it actually loving, on your end, to enable an abusive person to continue in the same cycles, again and again, never addressing it? Frankly put: is it loving to let someone continue in sin, especially when they are harming somebody else?

The love of Christ should shape the way we treat other people, and that includes the way your friend treats you. But what will she learn if a line is never drawn, if she is never told “this is unacceptable and I cannot tolerate it”? If your friend thinks it is okay to treat you this way, how many others will she treat this way? And how can you, with a spirit consistently crushed and poisoned by abuse and manipulation, drained of your resources, keep giving to others out of what you don’t have, when you are giving yourself no opportunity to rest?

Yes, the Scriptures demand that we forgive everyone who wrongs us. But please do not confuse forgiveness for enabling, or being a doormat. Your relationship, as it stands, is one-sided and unsustainable. Paul says to live peaceably with others as far as it depends on you, and your friend has not allowed there to be peace in your relationship. The last thing she needs is continued affirmation that treating you the way she does is okay. What she needs is somebody who is willing to tell her she needs help, professional help, more help than you can give her. What she needs is the truth. 

I’m not saying you should go in with a laundry list of every way she’s ever wronged you – that can stir up resentment and push her even farther away from seeking real help. It rarely helps to tell a toxic person they are toxic, they need to come to that realization themselves, in increments, with good counseling or therapy. But perhaps this realization, for your friend, must begin with you, lovingly and firmly drawing a line and saying, “no more of this.” 

It is very normal to feel guilty and selfish in a situation like this. This is especially true if your friend has made you feel like you’re responsible for her in some way. The truth is, you are not her doctor, therapist, or caretaker. And you are not God! You are not responsible for her health, her emotions, or her recovery. She is responsible for the body and mind God gave her, and you are responsible for yours. The Bible says to uphold one another in love. And sometimes, friend… love means saying no to someone else, for both their benefit and yours.

If you’re still feeling doubtful, this article puts it much more succinctly. Also, the book “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud, helped me so much in this area. I highly, highly recommend it.He’s a licensed psychologist and a Christian, and he also addresses these “Christian” (but unbiblical) ideas that we tend to have about what unselfish love looks like. Setting boundaries is actually one of the most loving things you can do for others.

I’m sorry again that this was so long, but like I said, this really hit home for me. One of my parents is emotionally manipulative, and I have known more than a handful of people who were abusive to me. I have had to unlearn a lot of old ideas about what it means to love people like this, to take care of myself, and to properly steward my mind, my health, and my relationships.

I don’t know your face, friend, but I feel the love of God in my heart for you and I will be praying for you tonight. Know that you are truly loved by One who sees your pain and desires healing and wholeness for both you and your friend, and you are not in the wrong for separating from her. He will take care of her too.

Go in peace, beloved. 💜

[bgn846]

The More I Give a FFXV Fic

Summary: Ignis and Gladio are in high school and secretly dating.  Life is hard enough as a teenager so navigating bullies and new feelings can be hard.

The gentle breeze rustling through the trees wasn’t doing much to calm the situation.  Something was obviously wrong with his boyfriend and Gladio wasn’t sure how to help.  Ignis hadn’t said much when they’d met up after school.  The walk to a nearby park wasn’t filled with conversation but silence instead.

Worrying that he’d done something wrong, Gladio began thinking back to times he’d seen Ignis in the halls that day.  He hadn’t tried to hug or kiss him so that couldn’t be the issue.  They’d been dating in secret for six months and Ignis was extremely nervous about getting caught.   Unable to come up with any other ideas Gladio followed Ignis to their special spot underneath a large willow tree.  It provided privacy and was off the beaten path.  The trunk was massive, which meant they could both lean up against it and relax.

They rarely saw other students at the park.  Despite this fact Ignis usually kept his distance, Gladio couldn’t even hold his hand.  The idea of having to deal with bullying from other kids never settled well with Ignis.  He was terrified what they would think of him dating an Amicitia.  He assumed they would all think he was over reaching his boundaries.

Gladio would always try and tell him it wasn’t true and didn’t matter but Ignis didn’t believe it. Unable to stand the silence any longer Gladio cleared his throat.  “Hey – um -- did I mess something up today?”

Ignis didn’t answer. He instead took a deep breath and leaned to the side collapsing into Gladio’s chest.  Surprised by the move Gladio began looking around to make sure no one was watching.  Thank the six they were alone.  He’d been so stunned by the move he’d missed the slight shake in Ignis’ shoulders.

Realizing that Ignis was crying made Gladio nearly yell in a panic. Astrals what the hell had he done wrong? “Babe, please talk to me! I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you upset.” He rambled.

Ignis sucked in a breath but still wouldn’t look up, “You didn’t – you didn’t do anything wrong.” He managed in between sobs.  “I’m sorry, I – I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

Gladio froze.  He couldn’t comprehend what that meant.  Did Ignis not want to be with him anymore?  Here he was in the most romantic of settings, getting dumped.  “Uh --.” Was all he could lamely utter.

Suddenly Ignis sat upright and twisted around to look at him.  “Dear six, I didn’t mean that about us being together.” He scrambled frantically, “I meant it about hiding our relationship!”

Unable to form words Gladio could only blink a few times with his mouth open.  His world felt like it had nearly ended a minute ago and now it wasn’t? Ignis was still crying and gave up trying to explain himself further.  The younger man’s slender arms were around his neck a second later.  Gladio hugged Ignis fiercely, but didn’t dare break the silence.  He still wasn’t sure what had just happened.

It took several minutes before Ignis found his voice. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hold it back any longer.”  He sniffled.

“We aren’t breaking up right?” Gladio asked worriedly.

Ignis leaned back to look at him with concern.  “I should have thought about what I was saying before I blurted it out.  I didn’t mean to make you think that.” He offered with a furrowed brow. “I can assure you this is not a breakup.”

Letting out a sigh Gladio swallowed hard.  “That was really scary. I don’t want to ever go through that again.  You really freaked me out.”

“I had a bad day.” Ignis admitted solemnly.

“Clearly something has upset you a lot.  What happened?” Gladio asked, “Oh! Are you alright sitting like this, we could be seen.” He checked quickly.

Now it was Ignis’ turn to look stunned.  He glanced around slowly and took a deep breath.  “I think I’m changing my mind on that rule.”

“Can we get comfortable first, before you tell me everything?” Gladio questioned.  A blush quickly developed on Ignis’ cheeks, and if the mood had been different Gladio would have commented on it.  Waiting a few seconds paid off as Ignis gave a slight nod in affirmation.

It didn’t take long for Gladio to scoot Ignis over on the grass so he was sitting in between his legs.  Wrapping his arms around his boyfriends’ waist Gladio pulled Ignis back against his chest. “There this is better.  Now tell me about your day.”  

Gladio thought maybe he’d done the wrong thing when Ignis started crying again. “Is this too much?  We can go back to my house if you’d rather.” He offered hurriedly.

Shaking his head no Ignis hiccuped slightly and worked to calm down. “No it’s not – not necessary.  This feels really good and I think I’m simply overwhelmed.” He supplied.

Time passed slowly after Ignis started telling Gladio about his terrible day.  It never failed to amaze the future shield that people would choose to pick on Ignis. They had no idea about his true capabilities.  In Gladio’s opinion Ignis was a thousand times better than any of them.  Ignis had started his crownsguard training earlier that year and he was really good.   Plus he was super smart and did well in all his classes.  If anything Gladio didn’t deserve to be with Ignis.  This made hearing what Ignis had to put up with that much harder.  People were cruel for no reason sometimes.

The story Ignis laid out was starting to sound like a broken record. The same bully, the same tactics, week in and week out.  Unsure as to what had made Ignis crack Gladio patiently waited for the story to progress more.

Finally Ignis admitted what had made him so upset.  “That arrogant prick informed me he was signing up for crownsguard training.” Ignis offered quietly, “He said he was going to make sure only the right people served the king and crown.”

“Iggy, that’s a threat.  We can have him reported.” Gladio cut in concerned.

“I know.”

“What else did he do?”

“That was it, he walked away.  I felt sick standing there Gladio.   I don’t want to deal with him at school and at training.” Ignis lamented as he rolled his head to the side.  “That’s when it hit me.  I’m not alone anymore.”

Gladio hugged Ignis tightly at the admission and leaned down to kiss his temple. “We are together in this. I’ll always have your back.”

Nodding his head Ignis let out a labored breath.  “That’s why I don’t want to hide anymore.  I realized that won’t solve anything.  That asshat will still be a bully no matter what I do, so why let him or anyone else for that matter, dictate how I live my life.”

“Are you sure?  I want you to feel comfortable about this choice.”

“Yes, I’m sure.  I feel happy and safe right now and I want to feel like this all the time.” Ignis offered.

Gladio grinned at the comment and squeezed Ignis even tighter.  “I’m so excited about this.  I can’t wait to let everyone know how much I care about you.”

Ignis was blushing again but this time he was smiling.   They ended up staying in the park for the rest of the afternoon snuggled up against each other.  Gladio really was looking forward to showing off Ignis to everyone.  He knew his sister suspected something so thankfully he wouldn’t have to hide from her any longer.

His father already knew but Gladio hadn’t dared tell Ignis that information. The man was shield to the king and he’d been trained to spot subtle behavioral changes in people. So it was no surprise when his father had pulled him into his study one night to ask about his new boyfriend.  He had been supportive and happy that Gladio had found someone worthy like Ignis.

The memory of that encounter made Gladio pause in his thoughts so he could look at Ignis. The younger man was asleep on his chest.  Reaching over Gladio gently carded his hand through Ignis’ hair.   His boyfriend stirred but didn’t wake.

Gladio craved moments like this where Ignis would let his guard down.  He deserved a break from school and the workload he already had being Noct’s future advisor.  Tomorrow was a new day and Gladio was looking forward to spending it with his amazing boyfriend.

---------------------------

Ignis could feel his hands shaking despite the mental pep talk he was giving himself.  This is what other couples did, they showed affection in public.  He was allowed to do this too.  Taking a deep breath Ignis continued walking towards Gladio.  He nearly stalled out on his mission when Gladio turned around and spotted him.  

The bright smile Gladio flashed gave him renewed hope and he managed to close the gap between them.  The hallway was mostly empty as a fair amount of the students were either outside or in the cafeteria eating lunch.  However, Gladio was talking to another upperclassman and Ignis didn’t know how he’d react.

The second Ignis had gotten within arm’s length Gladio grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.  Ignis could feel his face getting flush. Focusing on staying calm he threaded his arms around Gladio’s waist. This was a normal thing to do, hugging your boyfriend.  There was nothing to be fearful of.

A surprised noise from the upperclassman standing next to them caused Ignis to stiffen.  This was going to be the first bad comment, he could feel it.

“Ah! I knew you were dating somebody!” He exclaimed.  “You gonna introduce me?”

Ignis could feel Gladio chuckle as he released his grip.  “I thought you already knew Ignis?” Gladio questioned.

“Well yeah, but like this is different.” The student offered with a laugh.

Ignis let himself be gently pushed back so he could properly meet Gladio’s friend.  The conversation went surprisingly well.  Nothing bad was said and no terrible jokes were made at his expense.  As the minutes ticked by Ignis could feel his body relaxing.  The stress of a new situation was softening into something more pleasant.

The rest of the day went without incident and Ignis started thinking he might survive being public with his relationship.  This euphoric feeling lasted all of two days before he encountered the bully.

Bracing for the worst Ignis was more than shocked when the bully began bad mouthing Gladio instead.  It was in that moment that Ignis suddenly realized something.  This person’s sole goal had been to rattle him by any means necessary.  He’d unwittingly given him the power to ruin his mood.

Ignis had changed his behavior to accommodate this bully.  It was tolerable when it was directed solely at him, but the minute this jackass targeted Gladio things were different.  He wasn’t going to stand by idle and listen to this filth.  Times had changed.

--------------------

Gladio rushed down the hall towards the principal’s office.  Someone had come to collect him during his math class.  Once they’d gotten in the hallway he’d been informed that Ignis had been injured in a fight and had requested to see him.  Fearing the worst Gladio had sprinted down the corridor once he’d been given the message.

Stopping to catch his breath outside the main office door Gladio straightened his shirt before he knocked.  The door was swung open a second later and the assistant principal ushered him over to where Ignis was sitting.   His boyfriend was slumped in a chair and had a bag of ice resting over his right hand.  It wasn’t until Gladio got closer did he notice the shiner developing on Ignis’ left cheek.

Having to control his emotions since they weren’t alone wasn’t easy. Gladio wanted to beat the shit out of whoever did this to Ignis, but he also wanted to hug and kiss his boyfriend.   Before he could say anything Ignis smiled shyly and offered very quietly. “They are reviewing the security footage from the hallway right now.”

“To see what exactly?” Gladio hissed, “How many times you got hit?”

Ignis shook his head slowly. “To make sure I was defending myself and not the other way around.”

Gladio could feel his eyes go wide as he as sank into the chair next to Ignis. “It was that fucking bully wasn’t it?” He asked in a hushed tone.

Ignis nodded and winced slightly at the small movement.  “I was tired of dealing with him.”

Gladio finally caught onto the true meaning of Ignis’ statement after a minute.  “Wait, why do they need to make sure you were defending yourself? Where is he anyway?”

“Nurses office.” Ignis murmured. “I may have hit him back a little harder than I realized.”

Having to work to bite back a laugh Gladio reached out and took Ignis’ free hand. “I thought you said that fighting wasn’t the answer for dealing with a bully.”

“He was saying horrible things about you being with me and I couldn’t bear to hear it.”

Gladio went to add more but the principal came back into the room. “Ignis the footage confirms your version of events.  Based off everything you’ve told us we have a very good case for expulsion.”

“Only if you think it’s necessary.” Ignis admitted.

“Oh yes, I worry what would have happened if he’d picked on someone with no fight training.  You escaped serious injury and even had enough skill to get him to back down quickly.”  

“So I’m not in trouble.” Ignis double checked.

“No.  Though I will say fighting is not the preferred method of solving disputes, though I’m sure you already know that.”

Ignis nodded ever so slightly and smiled.  Gladio waited patiently while Ignis confirmed he was well enough to go home.  Thankfully the principal allowed him to leave early as well to escort Ignis.

The minute they were in the parking lot headed towards Ignis’ car Gladio hugged his boyfriend close and kissed him.  “You are going to tell me everything that happened while I take care of you for the rest of the day.”

“I’m fine Gladio, there is no need.”  Ignis tried to interrupt.

“Nope, not happening.  You defended my honor it’s the least I could do.”  Gladio exclaimed as he opened the car door for Ignis.

Groaning in response Ignis pursed his lips. “Fine, but only if you cook me dinner.”

“Of course anything for you my knight in shining armor.” Gladio couldn’t help but laugh at the face Ignis pulled.  He knew it wasn’t exactly how Ignis wanted to handle the situation but it worked out in the end.  It made Gladio feel good that Ignis was taking a stand.  He deserved so much and Gladio was beyond ecstatic to be a part of Ignis’ future.

[yougotthatbilly]

Dangerously, You’re Beautiful | 01

→ member: lee taeyong → genre: fluff | angst → au: best friends to lovers!au | love triangle!au ↳ summary: ❝If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.❞ -Johnny Depp

chapters: 00 , 01

“Stop that.”

You lazily look to your right, shooting Taeyong a questioning look. “Stop what?”

“You’re gonna have permanent wrinkles in your forehead if you don’t relax. Your shoulders are up to your ears and even your ass is clenched.”

You almost make a comment on the fact he looked at your ass long enough to notice, but then you realize that yes, your body is extremely tensed up. Your shoulders drop and the muscles throughout your body gradually loosen as you lean into the podium in front of you.

The store is dead when it was expected to be a lot busier, but that’s what happens when festivals are in town during sales. You barely got any sleep last night (honestly this time) and you’re seconds away from slumping forward or hiding in the break-room and letting Taeyong handle things for the next few hours. Taeil wouldn’t mind. He loves you.

“Want a massage?”

“Huh?” you ask, once again glancing at him because you barely heard him over your thoughts of sweet talking him into being the only manager on the floor for some hours. Taeyong lifts his hands up and wiggles them suggestively. The words no, it’s fine are on the tip of your tongue but who are you to say no to a free massage?

“You know I’m not gonna press you on why you’ve been weird,” he starts after finding his way behind you, his fingertips softly digging into your shoulders, “but you also know I’m here if you need to talk, right?”

Of course you do. He’s always there for you, even when you don't realize you need someone to be. Only a couple of months into your friendship, he was there for you when you thought you were completely fine on your own. Being the observant and kind hearted person he is, when he saw how your feet were dragging and your smile was too fake when interacting with customers he tried to talk about topics that would normally spark your interest and pick up your mood. Months later you don’t even remember why you were feeling so glum that day, but even with him barely knowing you, he knew exactly how to make you feel better. The two of you coincidentally had overlapping breaks and Taeyong stepped behind your slouched form as you were leaned over the counter in the break room, wrapping his arms around your middle in an unexpected hug. And when you straightened up a bit in shock, he only slouched more, rearranging his hold on you so he could hook his chin over your shoulder and hold you tighter. He didn’t ask what was wrong, didn’t force you to speak. The way he felt against you, the feeling of his heartbeat against your back, you remember it all so vividly. Sometimes your mind goes back to that very moment when you’re left alone with your thoughts at night.

His cheeks had a coral hue to them when he apologized after your shifts ended, explaining his actions as a good hug usually brings his mood up because the comfort lets him know people actually care and they aren’t just asking what’s wrong because they feel obligated to. Taeyong asked if he crossed any boundaries or if it possibly made you feel uncomfortable. You felt the complete opposite. You didn’t want him to let go. You wanted to turn around and return the embrace, but in the moment you were too stunned, too overwhelmed yet too comfortable in his hold, enjoying how secure you felt wrapped in his arms. You assured him it was fine, that you realized you really needed it. Then when he, still embarrassed by such an impulsive move, asked if there was a significant other in the picture, seeing that the conversation had never been brought up between the two of you, the sirens sounded in your head.

You shouldn’t have felt the way you did when there should only be one person to have that effect on you.

Taeyong apologized profusely when you answered in affirmative and it took a couple of days for you to convince him everything was fine. He didn’t have any other intention than cheering you up, so he did nothing wrong. He just wanted to be there for you. You were in the wrong with how all rational thoughts about being in a relationship and how Johnny would’ve felt if he saw the scene unfold before him didn’t cross your mind.

Taeyong’s consideration is just another characteristic on the list you deny you’ve made.

You nod. You know.

If you’re in a shitty mood around Doyoung he doesn’t want to be around you because you kill his vibe (maybe you should reconsider the friendship, but then again you’re not even that close). Yuta isn’t the best person to run to when you’re sad unless it’s simply for comfort and not actual advice. Taeyong is the only male aside from Johnny that gives you his full attention and doesn’t come to you with his problems without even checking to see how you’re feeling. When you asked about it, asking why he always asks about you when he’s the one in need of a shoulder to lean on or advice, his response was that friends are not therapists so you should always ask how they’re feeling, too. His maturity and way with words are on that nonexistent list as well.

Maybe it’s just in his nature to care about others (plausible seeing he’s a Cancer), but you can’t help but love the fact that he’s always there and think that maybe you just have a little special spot in his heart like the one that’s found its way inside of your own recently. But then again, there’s a good possibility it’s been there for months but you hadn’t realized it’s existence until recently.

“There’s just been a lot on my mind lately and I’m just trying to figure things out by myself for now.”

“Take your time. Don’t stress too much over whatever it is, okay?” His thumbs work in between your shoulder blades and your eyes drift shut, head falling forward.  “Everything will fall into place eventually. You just gotta be patient.”

Another lazy nod.

It’s the typical thing to say to someone in this situation, the only thing he really can say with how vague you’re being, but his words still make you feel a little better.

“In times like this, I drink Jasmine or green tea and it helps a lot,” Taeyong softly suggests. His focus moves to the small of your back, almost making you completely melt into the podium beneath you.

The feeling of a presence in front of you stops your response, Taeyong’s scripted greeting opening your eyes. The holy shit he lets out and his body warmth leaving you lift them. Taeyong is excitedly walking over to a surprised looking Donghyuck, pulling him into a hug.

“Feels like I haven’t seen you in years, kid.” Taeyong sounds excited, like he’s been reunited with his long-lost brother and it’s pulls at your heartstrings. “Why are you here and not in class or something?”

“Winter break,” Donghyuck supplies, Taeyong making a sound in remembrance, “and I’m actually here to see somebody but—”

“But I don’t exist anymore?” you finally cut in, playfully scoffing. Donghyuck’s eyes go wide in your direction, words trying to leave his mouth but all that comes out is stuttering and the boyish smile you’ve grown fond of over the last several years. Taeyong steps back when you make your way around the podium to bring Donghyuck into an even tighter hug than the one Taeyong gave him.

“I didn’t recognize you with your head down and then,” he gestures Taeyong, who’s watching the two of you similarly to how you watched them only moments ago.

You release him to hold him at arms distance by his shoulders, examining him from head to toe. “You’ve gotten taller.” His cheek is warm when you lift a hand to cup it, swiping your thumb against the smooth skin a few times. “And you’ve gotten skinnier. Are you not eating?”

“Yes, I’m eating. I’m just dropping my baby fat,” Donghyuck shrugs sheepishly.

A flash of a memory of his chubby cheeks make you pout exaggeratedly. And then the pout turns into a down curve of disgust when your eyes travel further up.

“What the hell happened to your hair?”

Donghyuck’s left offended and is the one pouting now as you move your finger back and forth between the too big gap between his bangs and his eyebrows. Who the hell got scissor happy with the poor kid?

“I tried to trim my bangs but I got distracted,” he grumbles, glaring at Taeyong when the latter snorts. Taeyong puts his hands up and slowly back-steps into another part of the store. 

At least the vibrant red his hair has been dyed is pretty.

“Anyway,” You make your way back behind the podium and return to your previous position leaning against it, “what’s up? And how’d you even know I was here?”

“Well, the semester ended and I figured seeing my precious face would make your week a thousand times better. So here I am.” He gestures himself with a grin.

You squint at him. “Why are you really here, kid?”

“I’m on break and I wanted to see my favorite sister.” Donghyuck shrugs.

“Donghyuck.”

“Okay, fine!” He lifts his hands up. “Mark asked me to visit you since he won’t be back until the end of break, so here I am.”

Donghyuck’s a great actor with a great poker face but you’ve known him since he was seven. “And?” you press once more.

“And I’m here to ask if I can crash at yours for a couple weeks,” he gives you an awkwardly endearing smile.

“I mean, I guess.” You shrug. “But seriously, how’d you know I was here?”

Donghyuck lifts up his phone and wiggles it a little. “We still share locations, dummy.”

Oh, how you missed that mouth of his.

“And your parents don’t care?”

Donghyuck scoffs. “I’m eighte—no they don’t. They trust you with my life.”

Your retort is cut off when an older guy comes into the room with a few shirts and a pair of jeans, you do your job and walk him to a fitting room.

“Where did Taeyong go?” Donghyuck asks when you’re back.

“Probably went to help out in the front.” You shrug. But on the topic of the brunet, the question that was repeating in your mind earlier resurfaces. “How do you two know each other, anyway?”

“Remember Jeno?” You’ve heard name a few times in the last years but you can hardly put a face to it, and it must show because Donghyuck continues. “The kid with the smile,” he deadpans.

“Oh.” The kid from that soccer game your mom forced you to take Mark and Donghyuck to that kept smiling and blushing whenever you said anything to him. “Aw, how is he?”

“Great.” The red-head waves off. “Anyway, Taeyong’s his older brother. If it wasn’t me and Mark, it was me and Jeno. Tae’s like my big bro.”

Huh. With this new information you wonder if you and Taeyong went to the same middle or high school and never crossed paths since the two of you only lived a neighborhood away from each other back then. What would’ve happened if the two of you officially met sooner? Would you have gotten along back then? Would you have clicked so fast and effortlessly all those years ago like you did last year?

Would you be w—

“Talking about me while I’m gone?”

Taeyong’s voice isn’t loud nor is it harsh, but it still startles you out of your thoughts, and your body jerks in alert. Both males laugh at your reaction, only laughing harder when you pretend to buck up at them.

He takes his place back next to you and hands you a warm, large cup before reaching forward to ruffle the red hair on the younger male’s head. Dumbly, you look down at the cup in your hand, bringing it up to your nose to sniff the content inside through the small horizontal hole in the lid. Jasmine and honey. “How did you even…?” A quick glance with a wink leaves you puzzled, and the warm feeling in your insides has nothing to do with the sip you take.

--

“Kid.”

“Hm?” Donghyuck asks half-heartedly, eyes still glued to the screen of his phone. He doesn’t look up even after you’ve made your way in front of him, hovering. He just raises an eyebrow in acknowledgment, thumbs flying across his screen.

You kick his shin.

Donghyuck lets out a dramatic sigh before locking his phone and looking up and you with an attitude. “Yes?”

“You wanna eat or keep being gross with Mark?”

The ‘tude is wiped off instantly and he’s now blushing. “W-what are you talking about? He’s just updating me on how Cana— how’d you know I was talking to him?”

You open your mouth to let him know he’s only that attentive and smiles that much when he’s speaking to your younger brother, how it’s been like this for years, but three knocks on your front door cut you off, and the quirk of Donghyuck’s lips confuses you.

“I got us some food since you like to starve people,” he winks as he stands up and lightly pushes you out the way to get the door.

The door opens to reveal Taeyong with bags of fast food in one hand and deadpan expression on his face. You can tell even from the distance you’re at that Taeyong’s trying to keep a straight, almost annoyed face at the younger, but you also see the exact moment his eyes change emotions, a defeated smile pulling his lips up with an eye roll.

The power of Lee Donghyuck, basically.

“You’re lucky you caught me when I was about to pass by,” he grunts when Donghyuck hugs him. You’ve never really seen Donghyuck openly initiate any kind of affection with anyone other than yourself and Mark, then Taeyong’s smile gets wider and wow your heart. Just like any other day, Taeyong’s eyes drift to where you’re standing, and he nods in acknowledgment before beckoning you over. “Here,” he passes the bags to Donghyuck when he lets go. “Go eat. I gotta talk to her real quick.”

The smile on his lips transitions into a thin line when Donghyuck is gone and he flicks the side of your head just hard enough for you to flinch and pout. “How are you gonna say the kid can stay with you but have no food and have him starving all day?” he deadpans, tilting his head when you don’t respond quick enough.

“I forgot I needed to go grocery shopping, dad.” The last couple of days you’ve been snacking on whatever and kind of forgot there was a growing teenage boy (man?) in your apartment now. “I was actually just about to take him out. If I would’ve known he reached out to you, I would’ve told him to ask you to get some real food and not—” Taeyong squints and his tongue pokes the inside of his cheek, challenging you to finish that sentence. “I mean, thanks for the food?” You smile cutely.

“Right. Enjoy your food.”

“Aw you got me food, too?”

His glare is back but it only makes you childishly stick your tongue out at him.

“Anyway, I might swing by later to get him on my way back from Jae’s. So if you don’t have plans, you should come along.”

His phone makes a noise, gaining his attention before he squeezes your shoulder gently in lieu of goodbye, then he leans forward until he’s right by your ear to yell his goodbye to Donghyuck. You flinch and swat at his gut because you know it was his intention to burst your eardrum and Taeyong just laughs as he turns on his heels and walks away.

Donghyuck’s food is halfway done and you’d feel bad if you didn’t know he’s always been a really fast eater.

“So are you coming?”

You shake your head, unraveling your food. It’s date night. You’re meeting up with Johnny at the movie theatre to watch that new scary movie he’s been dying to see. You haven’t had a proper date in weeks when you used to have one every Saturday night and you’re excited because this is what you need. The last time you saw Johnny you weren’t in your right state of mind, not thinking of what you should’ve been. Tonight is going to be about to two of you and your relationship with no outside factors clouding your thoughts. You miss Johnny’s big hand and the heat it transfers to your thigh when watching movies, his fingers tensing and squeezing when there’s a jump scare.

“It’s date night.”

“Date… night?”

His confused tone lifts your eyes away from your fries and onto his equally confused facial expression.

“Yes?”

“You’re still with Johnny?”

You nod, still not understanding his tone.

“Really?”

“What do you mean ‘really?’”

“I don’t know, I thought you and Taeyong were a thing,” he shrugs and goes back to his fries.

Your jaw works slowly as his words echo in your mind. “... what made you think that?”

He shrugs again. “Your interactions, your body language.”

“As in our body language towards each other is more intimate than what friends usually have?”

He snaps and sends finger guns your way. “Exactly. Figured you were together or fucking at the very least.”

The last assumption chokes you. “Donghyuck.”

He just smiles and stuffs the last of his fries into his mouth.

The rest of your meal is silent, your mind running wild with the thoughts of how often you lean into Taeyong’s touch, how often you crave it, and just how obvious you might be if Donghyuck noticed within the span of a couple of days.

With your teeth digging into your bottom lip, you pace in front of your bed, phone in one hand while the other scrubs at your eye in mild frustration to save the base makeup you have on. You’ve gotten dressed for your movie date and you were in the middle of adding a touch of highlighter to your high-points when you heard Donghyuck’s phone ring, the latter answering it with a greeting followed by Taeyong’s name. You felt childish pressing your ear against your closed bedroom door to hear his side of the conversation better. He hummed a few times, then told Taeyong that you already had plans and wouldn’t be joining them, and all of a sudden you wanted to join them.

Well, you haven’t seen Donghyuck in close to a year. You’ve barely spent time with him since he temporarily moved in, having been at work earlier and only saying your greetings with a ruffle of his hair while on your way to your room when you got back in. You were exhausted and needed to fall face first onto your bed asap. You should definitely spend some time with him, and now would definitely be the perfect time to do so. You don’t have to plan anything because you’re sure Taeyong has gotten everything planned out already, and then the latter being there is just a little bonus.

You unlock your phone with your thumb, go to your call log, and tap the third contact from the top.

“Hello?”

“Hey, babe. What are you doing?”

“Trying to decide if I want to wear jeans or joggers tonight,” Johnny chuckles.

“About tonight…” you say after a beat, teeth back in your bottom lip. You hope he hasn’t done his hair already.

“Uh oh. What’s wrong?”

“I was wondering if we could possibly reschedule for next weekend?”

It’s silent on the other line for a few seconds, so you move the phone away from your ear to see if he hung up (which you know he wouldn’t do but there’s a guilty conscious for you) or lost connection.

“Yeah,” Johnny sounds unsure once the phone is back on your ear. “Is there a reason?”

You’re going to break skin if you bite any harder.

“Remember Donghyuck?” He hums. “He just came back in town and I’m letting him crash here for a little. It’s been a while so I wanted to take him out tonight, also as an apology for starving him all day,” you chuckle, voice even and believable to your own ears.

Well, it’s not a complete lie.

The tone of Johnny’s voice changes immediately. “Of course, baby. Don’t sound so guilty. I’m sure Donghyuck really wants to spend time with you after not seeing you for so long.” He laughs softly. You can practically see him waving a dismissive hand in the air. “We can just go Friday or Saturday night.”

A small relieved smile tugs at your mouth as a sigh leaves it. “Thanks for not hating me. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You can hear the smile in his voice, envisioning an eye roll. “Call me when you get back in, ‘kay?”

“Alright. I love you.”

“I love you, too. I’ll talk to you later.”

He’s so understanding it breaks your heart but you’re doing your best to delude yourself into believing you’re really going to this outing just for Donghyuck.

As soon as you hang up the same three knocks from earlier pound against the wood of your front door, startling you. A glance as your reflection in the mirror connected to your dresser makes you grimace, the sight of your half done face and hair not so pretty. Speed walking to the door that connects your room to the bathroom, you push it open and do the quickest winged liner you’ve done and quickly yet carefully put some mascara on. You put and misplaced strands of hair where they belong and barely remember to grab your jacket before exiting the bathroom using the other door that leads into your hallway. You’re just in time to see Donghyuck slipping his shoes on and Taeyong leaning against the door, stopping in the middle of his sentence when he spots you coming towards them.

“Well don’t you look like a snack.” Taeyong wiggles his eyebrows at you, eyes raking up and down your body. “Hyuck told me you had plans so I’m guessing you’re going out with J—”

“With the two of you? Yep,” you cut him off, giving him a quick smile and diverting your attention from his face to your shoes as you slip them on. Your heart is beating loudly from a combination of the rising guilt you feel from cancelling on Johnny and the guilt you feel from being happy you get to see Taeyong again and spend time with him outside of work today.

He eyes you suspiciously, making eye contact with Donghyuck with a brow arched in confusion. The latter just shrugs.

“So where are we going?”

“To the dessert shop that just opened by my place,” he says unsurely, opening the door. “My car or yours?”

“Can I drive?”

You and Taeyong immediately shut down Donghyuck’s request. His lip curls up in offense, but he gets over it and links his arm with yours as you all make your way down the wooden stairs.

--

“Try this.”

You bring your fork up to Donghyuck’s mouth, feeding him some of your cake. Taeyong opens his mouth and makes a noise expectedly.

A bit of icing gets on the corner of his mouth at the forkful your feed him, so you swipe at the small glob with your thumb then lick it off.

Donghyuck clears his throat. “What happened to your date?”

“Yeah, what changed?” Taeyong ask, attention back on his plastic fork, licking a clump of icing off of it.

You’re momentarily distracted by the way his pink tongue laps at the icing, but then Donghyuck’s shifting body beside you snap you out of your trance. “Oh,” you wave a dismissive hand. “He’s beat from the long shift he worked. And it worked out perfectly because now I can bond with Hyuck,” you smile, pinching the youngest’s cheek as his face goes from confused to a fake scowl.

“Damn, well I’m glad you could be here with us.” Taeyong smiles, reaching forward to steal more of your cake.

“Me, too,” you nod, biting your lip at the thought of if Taeyong was anticipating your company. When he invited you, was he just doing it to be nice since he was picking Donghyuck up from your place? Or did he genuinely want you to come? You shake your head slightly, knocking the unnecessary thoughts out. You shouldn’t be thinking so hard over an invitation to get dessert with a couple of the closest people to you. It’s not that deep.

You and Taeyong tease Donghyuck and ask questions about how college life is, and when things go quiet and everyone’s doing their own thing for a while on their phones, it’s hard not to stare at the male sitting in front of you as he runs a hand through his hair and slumps in his seat, licking his lips as he focuses on whatever is on his screen. He’s just so effortlessly attractive. 

It’s also hard to not notice Donghyuck’s intense gaze on the side of your face.

Donghyuck’s eyes either translate to he’s trying to read you, or that he knows something, and when you raise an eyebrow to silently question him, he just shakes his head before asking Taeyong a question, starting up another conversation.

[thetaboochristian]

Anger: The Double Edged Sword That Can Save Or Destroy Your Life (Sometimes Simultaneously)

When I was a little kid, I used to get angrier than most of the other kids I knew in school. I didn’t know why necessarily, but it seemed reasonable because people kept messing with me, picking on me, people kept doing things that I told them made me made and they never even cared or tried to stop. When I was a kid, I just figured that my anger was a normal, natural result of what happens when people keep on and on and on with some crazy BS until someone reaches their breaking point. Or, somebody does something that seems to pose an immediate, serious threat to the wellbeing of the person who’s getting angry. 

I discovered as I got older though that my dad had these characteristics, but worse. Then when I had my son, I noticed that he had an extra bad temper compared to most other kids… he would get super upset about 100 tiny things every single day that no one else would think are such a big deal, like toys not working the way he wants or me missing one of the 100000000000000000000 things that he points at randomly throughout the day and asks “what’s that”? He is especially prone to do this while I’m driving and can’t stop or look at whatever it is. He even had to be given morphine in the hospital when he was born because he was so upset and wouldn’t stop crying for so long. Don’t even get me started on what happened regarding the hospital, his mom, and his birth... that’s going to be included in my “Taboo Christian” book when it comes out. 

It was not long after my son began doing this that I finally discovered that the anger issue and emotional oversensitivity was something genetic that had come from my dad’s side of the family. The thing is, I seemed to have less frequent expression of it and higher stress tolerance than my dad or son. I believe that the anger thing came from my dad’s mom, but her husband was pretty angry too so maybe my dad got a double dose. I guess I got a half dose because my mom almost never gets angry, even to the point where it’s problematic, where she doesn’t get angry about things that she should get angry about! 

Even when I figured out that there was a genetic cause, I never knew the biological mechanism behind it, but now I’m really close to understanding it. It seems that our bodies either release an unreasonably high level of norepinephrine and epinephrine during certain stressful events, or our bodies cause these neurotransmitters to stay in our system and not be broken down nearly as fast as they should be. It’s also a possibility that DHT levels are abnormally high or that our bodies turn testosterone into DHT at an abnormally high rate. Also, above average levels of acetylcholine or glutamate could also play a role in the emotional sensitivity… it could be a mixture of more than one of these things that’s really responsible.

Even though there have been times where our anger caused problems, problems can occur when anyone gets angry, and that happens to everyone. There have been instances however where I can look back and see how my anger helped save my life! It caused me to no longer tolerate some things that were seriously destroying my life, increasingly quickly as time went on. I believe that when someone or multiple people in your life are causing you serious problems and they are preventable/avoidable, and the person continually refuses to acknowledge how they are hurting you or refuses to try to fix the problem, then an a short moment of loudly chewing them out may be the only way to get the point across or stand your ground when more calm and tame methods of problem resolution have failed to work with that person who’s doing you wrong.

Obviously, if you can avoid conflict or resolve it peacefully then that is almost always best, but if calm methods fail, and the continuing problem is destroying your health, finances, sanity, etc, then continuing to sit by and passively let yourself get ruined by someone else’s evil or ignorance is ludicrous! Absolutely ludicrous! 

If someone in your family thinks they know better than you and really doesn’t, and if they keep terrorizing you with constant bombardment of their well intentioned but destructive opinions of what they think you should do with your life, sometimes there’s no other choice but to cut them out of your life for a while until things settle down and you are able to figure out a way to interact with them peaceably… if it’s possible at all. Some people just don’t want to admit when they are wrong, no matter what. 

This happened recently with my dad. We used to have a good relationship, but it’s come up and down over the years with some lengthy periods of us not talking because it’s impossible to talk to him without him trying to force his wrong ideas upon your life and then getting angry if you don’t agree with him and won’t do what he says. He thinks he knows what’s best. He has a master’s degree. He has made $60-90K a year for the majority of his career. However, though he affirms to hold the basic beliefs of a Christian as far as Jesus being the son of God and dying for our sins and being the only way to heaven, my dad doesn’t really have much of a spiritual view or concept of life beyond that. My dad is absolutely consumed by “worldly thinking” and “man’s way of reasoning” and he has no concept of God’s Will for my life or anyone else’s life. 

Many Christians know all too well that God’s ways are not always our ways and that His reasoning does not always follow our reasoning. My dad cannot seem to grasp this. He cannot seem to grasp that there are certain circumstances that occurred over the years that were beyond my control that are partly responsible for where I am today in life, financially, socially, health wise, etc. My dad cannot seem to grasp that it’s most likely that it was God’s Will that am where I am right now, doing what I’m doing right now, and planning what I’m planning for the future. My dad just can’t seem to understand that if God wants something to happen in my life with 100% definite certainty, He is going to intervene and shape my circumstances in whatever was He needs to in order to make His Will come to pass in my life, IF I’m open to it and willing to do my part to cooperate with Him in bringing it to pass. That means working when and where He knows is best, it means putting forth my standards and expectations to those around me and not caving in or compromising on them just because they don’t fit or match what the people around me think is best or reasonable, or whatever. Sure, I’m realistic in my expectations and what I ask from God, but I also know that God has taken people from rags to riches very quickly in many cases, and God has done miracles in people’s lives in modern times that are almost as awesome as what He did in the Bible. 

It is also possible for everyone that there are some things that are such a concrete part of God’s Will that they will happen no matter what a person does. Where I’m saying that anger can save and destroy at the same time is like with my relationship with my dad. Because of the characteristics I described above about him, he kept on and kept on and kept on until I finally snapped and said some really hurtful things to him, one of which I didn’t really mean to say but it just slipped out in anger. This made him leave and we haven’t spoken in almost 2 months now because of it. Though I regret that one thing I said to him, and I regret having cussed a few times, the majority of what I said to him while in my anger was stuff that he NEEDED to hear. It was me putting my foot down to protect my son and my life, my livelihood and plan for the future, and to show my dad that he had violated major boundaries. My dad has worldly, humanistic reasons why he thinks my current choices and past ones regarding my job and schooling are bad, but I know that they are part of God’s plan and I can clearly see how and why God crafted my life the way He has thus far. While I acknowledge that I’ve made some bad decisions, I can see how and why God allowed me to make them and how God chose to use them to pave a way forward for me that’s better than I probably could have had without making those mistakes.

Seriously though, I get angry a lot less often than most people. It takes a lot more BS to make me mad than the average person, but I’m like a quick burst of intense flame when major boundary lines have been crossed or something major is threatening to harm me or my loved ones and has a considerable chance of succeeding if I don’t step in and do something. I can admit though that in the moment, I’m usually completely absent minded about the thought of God supernaturally protecting me with Angels, intervening on my behalf to fix problems, etc. In the moment I am just thinking that it’s up to me or it’s not going to get resolved at all. I am working on strengthening myself so that I can think more about the realities of the spirit world before I tackle a problem while steaming, but it’s something that will take time. However, there’s a certain amount of fierceness that needs to be available and kept locked away inside for use in the right time and place, so that my loved ones can see for themselves just how serious I am about protecting them with all my might.

I do still plan to try to reconcile with my dad, but right now, with all the difficult circumstances I’m in the midst of overcoming at this moment, trying to talk to my dad would only make my days more difficult and drain me of the focus and energy I need to fix all the current problems in my life surrounding my divorce from “Rebecca”, things regarding my son “Aaron”, and other major life changes. My dad just has this “my way or the highway” view, and there’s no reasoning with him. It just wouldn’t be a smart idea to try to work things out with him until these major issues in my life are resolved, because the process of reconciliation with him will likely be long, stressful, painful and emotional. Despite the current stresses, I know that I’m in the process of overcoming, and slowly but surely (and sometimes quickly) God is bringing about a future for me that’s growing more beautiful with every passing week, month and year.

Thanks for reading, God Bless! “Luke Davidson” - The Taboo Christian

[a-brighter-life]

5 Ways To Overcome The Inner Critic - SAGAR

Are you looking for ways to overcome your self-doubt and be more confident?

We often hear the voice of the inner critic in our head that pulls us down. It is the voice that is forever critical about the things we do and don't do. Self-analysis is important, giving too much reign to this inner critic can take away positive energy and be detrimental to our self-confidence.

Here is a 5-point strategy (acronym SAGAR) that would help all of us navigate a strong inner critic.

SAGAR is an easy way to remember the 5 steps and each letter stands for a different tactic.

Once you incorporate it into your life, you will become more aware of your inner voice. And, next time your inner critic attacks you, you will be able to steer through. This in turn will lead you to feel more self-confident.

1.    S: Self-love and care

I remember there was somebody once who came to me in my workshop and said, can you tell me what self-love is? And, I don't think I had a very good answer at that time, but today I understand what it means.

SELF LOVE is really about nourishing yourself, and choosing to talk to yourself like you are your best friend. And, not to talk down to yourself.

"Oh, I'm so dumb! I'm such an idiot!" – Does this sound familiar? Sometimes we curse ourselves for small silly mistakes.

So some ways to bring self-love and self-care into our life would include:

No self-deprecating talk. Talk to yourself with respect, even inside the head.

Pay attention to your own needs and do not put yourself last. Only when we are nourished and full, can we serve others. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Set boundaries and take a stand for yourself. If you won’t do it, no one else will

Invest in your growth and development. Set us time to learn skills or build knowledge in the areas of your interest.

2.    A: Awareness of strengths

This is about being aware of your strengths – your talents, your skills, your energizers and acknowledging the same.

Many people are unaware of their strengths and underestimate their abilities. It is worthwhile to invest time in understanding what is valuable in you. If you don’t know, ask people who know you closely, ask your colleagues who work with you or those who live with you.

You can also get a strengths-based assessment like Strengthscope for yourself.

You will be amazed at how much treasure lies within you.

Next time when your inner critic points at you, you will know how to counter it. It may go something like this scenario below:

Suppose my inner critic points at me and says – “ oh you should have done this yesterday, you are not prepared, you are not ready”. I know that my strengths are flexibility and adaptability, I can have an internal dialogue with my inner critic and I can say, “Yes, I'm not that well prepared but I'm flexible and adaptable enough to handle this situation."

So, it's about learning to balance the voices that pull you down and the voices that lift you.

3.    G: Gratitude to self

Some of us practice gratitude daily. We take time to appreciate all the blessings in our life. However, do we take time to be grateful to ourselves?

Self-gratitude means that you acknowledge yourself and all the good things that you are doing, the efforts you are making, and your good intentions. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not good enough. Not even your inner critic!

Appreciate yourself for who you are and take time to just feel that satisfaction of knowing you did your best.

The inner critic can make us feel bad about our failures, setbacks, disappointments, etc.  Take time out to acknowledge and be grateful to yourself and pay attention to all that is right about you. You will know that you have done whatever you could have done and that itself is enough.

4.    A: Affirmations

There is a lot of power in affirmations. I've tried them, and I really believe in them and I practice doing affirmations. My bathroom mirror has the words “I am awesome” written on them.

Affirmations have the power to turn around bad to good – be it your thought process, productivity, health, finances, relationships, and even confidence.

We can use affirmations as a tool to create whatever we want. Here are some affirmations that help build confidence:

I love and approve of myself exactly as I am

I am worthy as I am

I love and accept myself, deeply and completely.

Say them as often as you can, almost like a mantra… while driving, walking, and when you wake up and before going to bed.

Remember this-

What you vocalize- you visualize; what you visualize- you energize; and what you energize you actualize!

5.    R-Reframing

The inner critic can be very harsh and overwhelming in case of a negative outcome. Reframing is a technique where you reframe/rephrase a negative outcome as though it were positive.

For example,

Let's say your child did badly in his exam. So, your negative spiral thinking starts like this – “Oh my God, this is such a disaster... my child is ruining his own life… we are bad parents” - That's how the inner critic starts talking.

Now apply the reframing technique – Take a pause and a step back to reframe this dialogue by very deliberately changing the perspective through which you were looking at the situation. For example, you may start thinking from your child's perspective - what he is going through, what is demotivating him, what needs to change.

When you reframe in this manner, the voice of the inner critic loses its power to pull you down.

In Summary

Start applying SAGAR in your day-to-day life to see your positivity rise. When you have done your bit and given your best, you do not need to beat yourself down.

You have the power to withstand your inner critic through self-care, awareness, self-gratitude, affirmations, and reframing. Over time, you will notice that your inner critic has mellowed down in its tone and choice of words. That will give more space to you to feel confident and ready to take on  life!

Do let me know what you found useful in this article. Feel free to add your quick tips to navigate the inner critic.

Please share this article with any family, friend, or colleague who you think has a strong inner critic and keeps putting himself or herself down.

Wishing you joy & abundance.

Yoshita Swarup Sharma:  

Founder & CEO - A Brighter Life | ICF Certified Executive Coach  | Leadership facilitator | NLP Practitioner| Inner Transformation Specialist

Yoshita Swarup Sharma, CEO & Co-Founder of A Brighter Life, is an internationally certified executive coach (PCC). For the last eleven years, she has coached several senior leaders and CXO across the variety of industries and organizations. Recently she was awarded as one of the most influential coaching leaders of India by the World HRD Congress. She's a leadership facilitator, advanced NLP Practitioner and a specialist on personal transformation. She writes her blog from her own experiences and reflections .  She brings with her 23 years of overall work experience and has previously worked as a Marketing professional in corporates like Coca-Cola, Dabur and Ranbaxy She's also a Kathak student and co-founder of Subah, A Covid Widow support group

Contact Yoshita Swarup Sharma

Get in touch with us here

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 49

(To listen, click here) - 14:13

Levi’s not so sure he’s ready to have feelings with everybody.  Last time, he’d just written a short response to Dominique’s own feelings and shared it with her.  It’s hard to open up like this.  To build up his trust in other people.  To let them close even though they really might let him down.  Disappoint him.  Hurt him even, but at least, not on purpose.

The pile of S’mores on the table looks inviting.  Levi sticks close to Jesus again, in case he needs to keep feeling like nobody’s about to force him to eat a S’more when he doesn’t want to.

“Anybody wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, when it’s clear that Jesus isn’t going to say anything.

And, maybe because it’s Dominique and she’s sitting on the other side of Levi right now, and he remembers being able to share with her things he couldn’t share with anybody else, Levi offers:

“The S’mores are making me...I don’t know...suspicious?” he admits.

Dominique raises her eyebrows but doesn’t comment.  Seems like they all might be waiting for Levi to say more.  Eventually he can.  

“Maybe because...I don’t know...they seem like...you know how parents always caution kids - sorry Jesus and anybody else this might apply to - but like, “Don’t take candy from strangers?”

Beside Levi, Jesus stiffens, but offers, “Or rides…”

“Or do favors…” Dominique comments cynically.

“Amen,” Pearl says, raising a hand, even though Levi hasn’t known his sister to be particularly religious.

Francesca just eats her S’more and says, “I am so confused right now.”

“Let’s let Levi finish what he’s saying, and then maybe you won’t be confused anymore,” Mariana encourages.

“It’s just...the S’mores feel...like...the thing that lures somebody?” Levi tries.  “Like the cookies I remember from your mom’s house.”  He nods at Pearl.  “I felt on edge around her, but I loved the cookies.  So…”

“Like bait,” Mariana comments.  “You feel like the S’mores are us...baiting you...what...into a trap?”

“Like...I’m…” Levi tries.  The words stop coming.

Francesca thrusts her hand in the air and waves it around.  “Ooh.  Can I please say all the specific stuff about the S’mores?”

Levi nods.  “Specific stuff would be good.”

“So,” Francesca starts importantly.  “These S’mores are  not a trick.  They’re accommodation food.  And also Avoiders-friendship-food because we all like to eat snacks while we talk.”

“But…” Levi ventures.  He glances at Dominique.  “If I eat one, does that mean I’m obligated...you know...to talk?”

“No,” Dominique shakes her head.  

“A S’more that makes you talk?  That is a trick.  These S’mores are the opposite of a trick.  These aren’t like those other cookies…” Francesca tries to explain.  But Levi can see her thinking, now that she’s mentioned the cookies again.

“Fran?  You okay?” Jesus checks.

“Yeah, I just...had a trauma question but I think it’s rude.” she admits.

“Well, use your judgement,” Dominique encourages.  “Exercise that muscle.”

“I’m really curious, though,” Francesca winces.  “But I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings by asking about hard things.  So, I shouldn’t.  But I don’t think I can keep it in.”

“Who is it a trauma question for?” Pearl asks.  “Remember that Jesus might not feel safe answering a question about trauma today still.  And I also might want to opt out…”

“It’s not you guys,” Francesca reassures.  “It’s Levi.”

“So, maybe, first…” Dominique cautions.  “We make sure Levi doesn’t have anymore suspicions about our S’mores.”

“I do…” Levi manages.  “I can’t help it.”

“Okay.  Do you have questions?” Dominique wonders.

Levi thinks of the poem they wrote together yesterday.  Of his ‘rude boy’ line.  “Is it rude to eat one of these but not talk?  Not answer a question?”

“No,” Mariana says.  “That’s your boundary.  Your right.”

“What about if I don’t wanna eat one at all?” Levi checks.  “And I still don’t wanna share?  Is that rude?”

“Nobody’s gonna force you to eat,” Jesus comments quietly.  “Boundaries aren’t rude.  So, there are three options,” he starts out slowly.  “An option means, it’s a choice.  That any of the three are okay to pick.  Or not.  Number one:  You can eat a S’more if you want, and talk, too, if you want.”

“Do I have to?” Levi presses, feeling like this is super urgent.

“Sorry.” Jesus apologizes.  “I might be going too fast.”

“No...it’s just...the way I am…” Levi sighs, remembering Carla’s words from the video she sent him.  All the mud everywhere.  Him in a robe that she wore usually, probably when she was all naked.  Gross.

“Okay the West sibs need a feelings break,” Pearl says.

Levi scoots his chair back.  But he hears Dominique’s voice lowly encouraging Pearl: “Ask him.  Don’t swoop.”

“Right,” Levi hears Pearl self-correct.  “Levi?  Do you need a break?  Whatever you decide is okay.”

He nods and gets up, but Levi has no idea where to go. But Pearl just walks with him until he ends up outside sitting in the grass.  There are some bald spots in it.  Spots that could be really muddy.

When Levi glances up to see if Pearl’s still here, she is.  Just waiting.  Just being with him.

“Sorry. It’s just…” Levi finally starts, then stops.

“It’s just that food feels loaded…” Pearl finishes, understanding.  She lets Cleo off leash and sets her in Levi’s lap.

“It’s good food.  Organized all perfect on a plate.  Like if you eat it, then she has you…”  Levi glances up.  “I’m sorry.”

“No.  That’s totally valid.  It’s why I can’t hear a random kid your age ask for a ride or a favor without losing my breath.  Because even if the two things are in no way connected.  Our senses are very much connected.  So the feeling of seeing a special treat out on the table does feel suspicious.” Pearl affirms.

Levi’s quiet, petting Cleo.  “I didn’t listen.”

“When?” Pearl asks.

“In there.  They were trying to explain and...I was trying to listen but it was like...the words came into my head one at a time.  They went through this sieve one at a time and then they vanished.  I can’t make sense of all of them at the same time.  But if I don’t listen, it’s bad,” Levi tries to explain.

“How is it bad?” Pearl asks.

“Like...it’s just the way I am…  That’s what she said.  Such a little shit.  Never listens.” Levi finds himself parroting back Carla’s words.

Pearl winces.  “She said those things to you?  That being bad is just the way you are?”

“That’s not the part that’s bad.” Levi comments softly.

“Oh, okay.  I’m sorry,” Pearl apologizes.  “I’m listening.  You can tell me the bad part if you want.”

“The bad part is...if I don’t listen...I get in trouble.” Levi ventures, meeting her eyes finally.  

He feels empty.  Hollow.  Just like he did that day.  Whenever the day was.  Back in the Spring-maybe of third grade.  He pets Cleo.  It helps some.

“That really makes a lot of sense,” Pearl nods.

“It does?” Levi wonders.

“It does.  It would be beyond hard to listen to what anyone says if you’ve got proof in the back of your head of the terrible things that can happen if you don’t.  But I’m gonna tell you something, okay?  And it’s 100% safe if it doesn’t sink in the first time.  Or the second.  Or the third.  Because I’ll keep telling you.”

“Okay,” Levi says, wary.  “What?”

“You are not in trouble.  We all love you.  The S’mores are not a trap,” Pearl explains.  Her voice sounds so gentle.  So patient.  So nothing like her mom.

“Can you tell me that in a hug?” Levi asks, hesitant.

Pearl nods and opens her arms.  Cleo climbs from Levi’s lap to Pearl’s.  And Levi leans into the embrace.  Even better, Pearl seems to realize slowing down might help.  She shares each sentence one at a time.  She repeats that he is not in trouble softly, gently, rocking him a little.

“I’m not?” he asks finally.

“What did you hear?” she asks, like she’d love to know.  Like she cares about that stuff.  Like she’s interested.

“I’m not in trouble for not listening?” Levi repeats.

“Yes.  You are not in trouble for not listening.” Pearl insists like she loves him a ton.  “We all love you,” she tells him next, repeating it calmly until he checks with her about that, too.

“But she didn’t?  Right?  Your mom?” Levi asks.  “She didn’t love me and that’s why she could hurt me.  Because you don’t hurt people you love like that…”

“Right.  She didn’t.  But we do.  All of us Avoiders.  We love you.  And we don’t hurt people we love like that.  You are absolutely right.”

Levi relaxes a little bit more.

“And the S’mores?  They’re just S’mores.  Regular old S’mores that Dominique and I melted in the microwave in Frank’s cabin.” Pearl tells him, resting her chin on his head.

“Not a trick?” he double checks.

“No, the S’mores are not a trick,” Pearl tells him.  “You can know that’s true, because you are not in trouble for not listening.  And most of all because we love you.  Tricking people hurts them.  And we don’t hurt people we love,” she explains.

“I think this helps it get in,” Levi admits softly.  Feeling weirdly okay in the long, loose hug Pearl’s giving him.

“I’m glad.” Pearl tells him.

“Thanks for noticing...you know...that I needed a break…” Levi tells her, finally pulling away and wiping his eyes.

“Of course.  I always want to notice when you’re not okay, Levi.  I know I haven’t done a good job of it so far, but I meant what I said about becoming a safe person for you.  I’m gonna keep working on it.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Levi tells her. “Your reaction now is way different than with the cookies…”

“Yes, that was not my finest moment…” Pearl comments ruefully.  “I’ve learned a lot since then.  And I hope to prove it’s sticking for me.”

“Um...now that we’re face to face...is it okay if I tell you again that I don’t blame you...about any of what she did…?” Levi ventures.

He doesn’t miss it when Pearl’s gaze shifts.  When she goes from looking Levi in the eye to looking over his head slightly.

“You can say it…” Pearl manages, clearing her own throat.

Levi hears the unspoken: but that doesn’t mean I’ll believe it.  Still, Levi says it again, aware of just how many times Pearl had to repeat that the S’mores weren’t a trick and he wasn’t in trouble.  That Levi was loved.  Before he could even start to believe her.

“I don’t, Pearl.  I never have,” Levi tells her seriously.  

“Maybe you should.  Of all people, I should’ve known about her.  I should’ve been there.  How can you live with a person for over 20 years and not suspect…?”

“Because people are really good at pretending,” Levi tells her.  “Really good.”

“I wish it never happened,” Pearl says, her voice heavy.

“To either of us,” Levi nods.

They’re silent for a while, before Levi suggests going back inside.  Admits he really does want a S’more. But kinda hopes the perfect stack is messed up by now, or maybe there’s one left they saved for him.

Levi takes a deep breath and walks back inside.  The S’mores plate just has crumbs on it now, and he sits down, dejected.  Pearl hangs around near him.

“Is it okay if I make you a fresh one?  Bring it over for you?” she asks.

Levi glances at her, surprised.  “Sure.  I mean, if you want.  Sorry for bailing,” he apologizes to the table.

“Hey, we all gotta bail sometime,” Jesus comments easily.

Levi finds himself waiting to say more until Pearl comes back by him and drops off a fresh S’more on a paper plate.  She has another for herself, which Cleo really wants.

“So...Francesca...you had a trauma question?” Levi checks.

“I don’t have to ask if it’ll upset you…” she concedes.

“Can I hear it?  And then decide?” he asks.

“Okay,” Francesca takes a deep breath.  “I know it’s none of my business...but you said Pearl’s mom made you cookies that were a trick.  And Pearl, you said how your mom made you cook a whole dinner when you were just a kid.  And that’s the same thing the bad guy did to Jesus.  So...did Pearl’s mom...like...is she...your trauma, I guess?”

Solemnly, Levi nods, taking a bite of the S’more.  “I don’t feel comfortable saying more than that...except that Pearl was moved out.  So she didn’t know about it.  It wasn’t on her, you know, what her mom did.”

“Because we all make our own choices,” Francesca nods.  “Okay, I was just wondering if she’s an unsafe person.  ‘Cause she kinda seemed like it when she was yelling at Pearl that one day.  No offense, Pearl.”

“None taken,” Pearl reassures.  “My mother is definitely an unsafe person.”  Levi watches as Pearl tips her chin.  “It’s time people knew that about her, rather than believing the image she projects.”

“What’s that mean?” Francesca asks.

“It means she’s not a good mom...but she wants people to think she is.  And people believe her.”

“But what about Levi?  People should believe him.” Francesca insists, confused and angry at the injustice.

“Well, we do believe him, don’t we?” Pearl asks.  “That’s six people right there who know the truth about her.  Who believe Levi.”

Pearl meets his eyes.  Nods.

Levi nods back, tears shining in his eyes.

[spaztique]

Pill Overdosed - An Essay On the Devolution of the Incel Community, From a Recovered “Love Shy.”

This was inspired by plunging down the rabbitholes of the incel community, the manosphere, and everywhere in-between.

Not long before writing this, there was a mass shooting incident in Plymouth, Devon. The shooter was a self-identified involuntary celibate, or incel for short: somebody who struggles with social skills to the point where they suffer depression from the fact they cannot develop a relationship to the point of romance. You’d think that merely not having the skills to attain a romance wouldn’t be much of an excuse to go postal, or maybe think he was an isolated case, but sadly, this isn’t: there was yet another mass murder not long prior at a sorority at UC Santa Barbara. Same motivation, same background. What gives?

I think I have a little authortiy to speak on the subject because, as I’ve said in my prior self-help writings, I also grew up without social skills. The only difference, of course, is I trained like crazy to fix that. Prior to 2010, I was a self-identified “love shy”: the pro-incel, back when the community was all about self-improvement and learning social skills to escape. After tons of hard work, I eventually got my first girlfriend in college, albeit we weren’t a very good match, seperated after it was clear we couldn’t work out, became a serial dater, and quietly graduated from the “love shy” label in 2011. I only bring this up now because, as I’ve noticed, things have changed a LOT in ten years.

Without diving deep into the histories of these concepts, there are three basic ideologies the modern incel falls into. Shorthand, they are known as the bluepill philosophy, the redpill philosophy, and the blackpill philosophy. They exist on a continuum, and the further you go down the spectrum, the more insane and nihilistic it becomes, eventually descending into despair, rage, misogyny, conspiracy thinking, and finding homicide and self-destruction.

The Bluepill Incel - The “Nice Guy”

Ah, the “nice guy.” The classic dogged friend-to-everyone who believes if they’re simply nice enough, he’ll eventually find love (and of course, sex). He’s too shy to voice his intentions, too pure to even hint at anything sexual (unless he’s in private with pornographic materials), and his primary love language is favors and gifts. This is your vanilla garden-variety incel, and he’ll need a couple heartbreaks and losing his crushes to more direct, forward men (known infamously as being “friend-zoned”) before he either wakes up to reality, or descend deeper down the spiral.

The basic nice guy merely has trouble with boundaries, self-disclosure, and empathy: the basic skills of building and deepening relationships. Favors and kind acts are the only way he knows to gain peoples favor: especially with women. He’s terrified of rejection and fears the maintenance part of relationships: getting into disagreements and making up, because he thinks he won’t get a second chance. Low self-esteem plagues the nice guy, and his biggest belief is that a relationship, especially a physical relationship, will solve his problems.

Hoo boy, he cannot be any more wrong.

Bhuddist teacher and psychologist Tara Brach coined this obsession “the trance of unworthiness”: where we believe our lack of something (in this case, a relationship) means we are unworthy, worthless, flawed, different from others. Incels use their single status to beat themselves up daily, not realizing this is the “trance of unworthiness” in action. Not having a relationship is a catalyst for this trance: they see the relationship and physical touch as the ultimate sign of acceptance, of being worthy, of being part of the human race and not “rejected.” Perhaps this is another reason they fear rejection: it reinforces the trance of unworthiness they wish to escape through physical contact.

It’s a misnomer to believe the nice guy is “entitled” to sex. This isn’t true: they simply believe they did everything they could to deepen the relationship, and it should’ve happened as naturally as if they had, say, flirted, voiced their intent, escalate the relationship, deepen their emotional intimacy, and so on. From their perspective, they’re not thinking, “I did all this stuff for you, so I DEMAND you sleep with me!,” but rather, “I did all these things for you and showered you in gifts and attention, so why don’t you love me as much as I love you?! What else am I supposed to do?!” But everything the nice guy does is surface-level, transactional, unemotional from a relationship standpoint. Sure, it can build friendships (albeit shallow friendships which resemble partnerships more than best buds), but not romance. Maybe we shouldn’t call it the “friend zone” and more the “you-didn’t-even-bother-building-the-relationship-correctly zone.”

Besides, it’s not the sex that incels want: it’s the validation. As I said before, physical intimacy is the ultimate form of acceptance, of escaping the trance of unworthiness, and the more physical, the more loving, the more closer, the more “points” it earns. If a hug is worth 10 points, and a kiss is worth 100, and a cuddle is 500, then sex is like 10,000+. But why not just pay an escort or “go solo”? To them, that’s cheating. To an incel, having to pay somebody to like you isn’t unconditional: that’s maybe worth 5 points, or maybe even negative points. Of course, sex is a cooperative activity, not a validation sink. Nothing will wake you up from this reality faster than that awkward conversation after your first few times of, “So, um… How was it?”

Where does this come from? Some blame romance movies and their grand romantic gestures, others blame love songs, and others blame just society’s sentimental view of romance. I’m sure if I mention flowers (especially roses), chocolate, plush bears, bubble baths, candlelit dinners, or slow dancing, you think romance. The images and ideas are burred into our collective unconscious. We’re bombarded with all of these images telling us three things: this is what love looks like, love is the ultimate cure for loneliness and sadness, and if you don’t want this, there’s something wrong with you. But the thing about the artistic representation of love is that it only depicts the end product, or at least the fantasy of somebody wanting us and loving us unconditionally. Perhaps the popularity of the Japanese archetypes of the tsundere come from the struggles of building a relationship, while the yandere shows us how creepy it is when somebody wants us way, waaay more than we want them back.

Either way, it paints an unrealistic portrait of how romance works.

Just as you can’t learn driving from action movie chase scenes, or sex from hardcore pornography, or how to become an Olympic-level runner playing Sonic, the simplified artistic portrayals of love and romance do not provide adequate education for how to interact with people. Actual relationships run on a model of probing (first contact, asking surface-level questions), deepening (asking and revealing more personal things mutually), and maintenence (handling misunderstandings, rebuilding familiarity, or even breaking off the relationship if there can be no reconciliation). Another popular modern concept is breaking down communications into different “love languages”: gifts and favors are only two, but there are also words of affirmation and reassurance, touch, and time together. This is the boring work of building everyone relationship from a friendship to a romance, but it is the basic skill incels ignore until they receive enough pain when they normal methods fail.

And with that, they begin searching for answers…

The Redpill Incel - The Modern Incel, Between Two Choices…

In The Matrix, Neo is given the choice between taking a blue pill to stay in his safe little world as an office drone, or take the red pill, disconnect from The Matrix, and realize the horrifying truth: the world is enslaved by machines, and he’s going to join a resistance to save humanity.

In the early 2010s, the idea of the red pill vs. blue pill was to describe the choice between the idealized romantic world I described above for the nice guy incel, and the cold hard facts about dating: that dating is a skill, and you need confidence, influence, leadership skills, a decent wardrobe, and good self-maintenance skills to increase your odds of success. Even in the mid 2000s, this spawned the pickup artist community, which are really just social skills gurus who market common-sense advice to single men.

However, something changed in the mid 2010s…

Eventually, the redpill ideology morphed into this idea that women, despite having their own corner of dating advice and entire magazines for how to attract men, secretly control not just dating, but society as a whole, and feminism has utterly wrecked dating. This corner has other bizarre, frankly misogynist ideas about how women operate, and some go even further as to saying all dating is rigged towards women and men should just avoid it all together. They also posit that women, by their nature, cannot be involuntary celibates, even though it was a woman who coined the original term. (And I also find it kinda funny how supposed “men’s rights” activists unironically use the term “red pill,” despite being coined by two writers who later came out as trans women.)

Obviously, this creates a problem for the modern incel: in their moment of pain, they’re desperately searching for answers, and they’ll latch onto the first source of hope they can find. Now, I got lucky: we didn’t have “men’s rights” folks in power back when I was searching for answers. We didn’t have those weird-ass theories, and those who did were laughed out of the community. (Neil Strauss even documents this in his book The Game, where he talks about some of the more questionable gurus trying and failing to get a foothold.) But these days? Imagine an incel in a moment of weakness, and they suddenly come across a post saying, “It’s not you! It’s feminism! Feminism is the reason you can’t find love! And love means validation, so therefore, feminism is the reason you can’t find validation!” Suddenly, there’s hope: the incel thinks if he can “game the system,” he’ll get that coveted physical contact, and with it, the validation he yearns for. But all this does is add another catalyst for his trance of unworthiness: lack of love AND feminism make him feel like his life is nothing but pain.

Now, let me put on my own Morpheus glasses and leather trenchcoat and ask you: what if I were to tell you there were three pills? A blue pill, a red pill, and a black pill? You take the blue pill, your journey to discover how relationships work ends: you wake up in your bed and you can believe whatever you want to believe about romance. You take the red pill, and you’ll see how far the rabbit hole goes…

… but if you take the black pill, you’ll wake up somewhere far worse.

A world of infinite loneliness, where what you want is forever out of your reach, in a world that sees you as a mistake. Where arbitrary rules apply to you that apply to nobody else. Where there is no hope for those who enter.

Why would anybody choose this pill?

I offer you one blue pill, and two red pills. One is the true red pill, and the other is the black pill.

Back in my day, there was only one red pill. Now, there are two, and one is poisoned.

Now, just as Morpheus showed Neo the desolate Desert of the Real, let me show the Desert of the Loveless…

The Black Pill - The Radical Extremist Incels

First, the incel starts as a “nice guy”: naive, but still relatively hopeful.

Then, after realizing their ways don’t work, they are given two choices:

One path leads to a life of self-improvement, hard study of social skills, practice, and eventually escape…

… but the other leads here. Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

The black pill ideology has given up on self-improvement, with the motto “it’s over,” any any notion of hope is considered “blue pill propaganda.” After years of being told, “Just go to the gym!,” “Just groom better!,” “Just get a good job and better education,” and so on, but NOT being told the most basic social skills, they’ve decided all of that just doesn’t work and it must be something else.

According to black pill incels…

Women are only interested in “Chads”: men who are a 8-10 out of 10 on the looks scale and blessed with perfect genetics and no personality. Any evidence to the contrary will be explained away. (Is the guy ugly? Then he must have money. No money? Then he must have status. No status? Then she must be cheating. Not cheating? Well, this example must be made up because it’s probably not true.)

Genes determine everything: if you were born any shorter than 6”0, you’re screwed. Women apparently only prefer white men (despite, y’know, other cultures and countries existing), and if you were born anything other than white, you’re screwed. (And if you somehow “ascend” inceldome? Then you are a fakecel: you were never truly an incel in the first place, because true incels are permanent.)

Feminism has destroyed modern dating and only a return traditional values like some kinda Handmaid’s Tale-esque patriarchal dystopia will solve everything. Because they see sex as the ultimate fuel for validation, sex needs to be considered a human right equal to food and water. Expect plenty of talk of sex slaves, lowering the age of consent, and sex robots.

Despite accusing everyone else who disagrees with them of “coping from cold, hard facts,” their misogyny and bizarre ideas are the ultimate coping mechanism: they’ve effectively shut themselves off from anyone who disagrees with them, and they stew in their anger with fellow blackpill incels in an echo chamber of despair and self-loathing, celebrating when women (or as they derisively call them, femoids) face hardships or when there’s a mass killing of any kind. If this seems like an exaggeration, I’d welcome you to look for yourself, if I wasn’t scared some normal incel would fall prey to their toxic influence.

These are the incels that give the poor unfortunate socially awkward incels a bad name. It’s why people fear “nice guys” may turn out to be future serial killers. If you wanna know why people want to label incels as a whole as a “hate group,” despite being a subset of only the most extreme ones, it’s because of these folks right here.

So, what now?

What’s an involuntary celibate to do? None of the options are good: continue being a “nice guy,” or look for advice elsewhere, even though there’s a 50/50 chance you could get suckered in to the extremists?

To put on my Morpheus glasses again, what if I were to tell you there’s a fourth choice? To take none of the pills?

Being a “nice guy” who does everything for others in hopes of earning friendship or romance doesn’t work.

Relying solely on hard science may be informative, but when you rely on that alone with no heart, still only shooting for validation, that doesn’t work either.

And obviously, giving up and isolating yourself with other angry virgins doesn’t work, either.

What if the solution was simpler? Waaay simpler?

It all boils down to such basic things:

Self-validation: learning to not rely on external things like love or physical connection as your own means to escape the “trance of unworthiness.” Everyone who’s walked this path says that once you realize that sex isn’t everything, you’ve truly escaped inceldome: then it simply becomes something that’s nice to have, like going to an amusement park or eating a deluxe sundae.

Basic communication and relationship skills: You can learn a lot more from looking up social penetration theory and the stages of a relationship than reading about facial ratios and social darwinism. Read the most basic guides on empathy and how to start conversations, then work into books on how intimacy works (you’ll notice an overlap with social penetration theory.)

Learn to network. Just as friends can get you jobs, they can also hook you up with fellow singles. Join groups, talk to co-workers (and no, you don’t have to date co-workers, I mean they can find people outside of work), get a hobby. Once you learn the above two skills, get out there and build connections until you find someone who can find someone.

Notice how I didn’t say “go to the gym” or “just be confident” or “take a shower.” I’ve seen plenty of incels do all three and have no luck, and I’ve seen guys without confidence get equally unconfident girlfriends, as well as guys who are unhealthy and never bathe. These are non-factors: self-validation, social skills, and networking is all you need.

Of course, there are still lessons from both the blue pill and red pill (which some folks call the purple pill philosophy): you need the romantic creativity and heart of the blue pill, but the hard skills and pragmatism of the red pill. And you need everything to overcome the dark side that is the black pill, the shadow we avoid where infinite horrors lurk within.

Coming back to the incident that sparked this post, there have been some modern incels who were jarred by the recent killings. Some are starting to question what happened to the incel community, just as I have. How did it devolve from folks wondering how to escape their loneliness, into the hellhole of conspiracy theories and hatred it has become now? Perhaps this may be the beginning of the incel community returning to its roots, where the romantically impaired seeked advice that actually worked, rather than wallow in self-pity and cheer on mankind’s destruction. As an old recovered “love shy,” I pray others find the same path I and many others like me had walked, and avoid the one that leads to self-destruction others have stumbled upon.

With this post, I’m making my vow to do my part to make sure more people avoid this terrible fate and find happiness, whether they pursue love or not.