#...idk if I'm being coherent i am very tired

[daz4i]

sometimes i fear i am filled with too much rage but then i go online and see. people so dedicated to their anger it is practically their entire existence. are you not tired? do you not feel consumed by it? it's okay to let go. your passion can still be expressed through other feelings as well. flames of emotion do not always have to burn you to ashes. please rest a bit and let them just pleasantly warm you

[polktd]

deadpool and wolverine made me into a giggly little bitch

[perilegs]

i miss the era of internet where all we got were anime fansubs made by people who had the time to do what they enjoyed

[cybertron-smash-or-pass]

fat robots. say everything you think

Well, this is going to be barely coherent, but here we go.

I am not particularly shy about saying I think fat people and fat characters are often really fuckin hot. Idk if it's anything that deep, I just like em sturdy about as often as I like twinks or hunks or anything in between, and I think it's a damn shame you don't see more fat characters treated as complex or desirable or really anything more than the comic relief.

I've mentioned before that TFA has my ideal mix of partial softbody and hard metal. It's also got a really nice range of body types, and it gave us my beautiful beloved boy Bulkhead, very big, very cute, very sweet. I like that he's fat, I like that he has depth as a character, I like the idea of his belly and his thighs actually being at least a little soft. Also with Jazz and Shockwave, although both of them are pretty thin (unless you count Longarm), they both have that very clearly soft midriff (and in Jazz's case, those incredibly biteable thighs) and when people draw them even softer and chubbier than they are in canon, I simply black out. No thoughts, head empty, only robot tummy.

Even in continuities where that soft protoform look might be a bit more of a reach (like tfp, they lean a lot heavier into the mechanical for about everything except the face) I don't really see anything wrong with people simplifying some of the moving mechanical parts in the name of dialing up the softbody a little. Like don't get me wrong, I love the predominantly hard metal side of the spectrum too, I'm as fascinated with tfp Optimus's intricate mechanical hands Drift's solid steel thighs as the next robotfucker, I just also like applying The Somft™️ to characters that may not have it by default.

I'm also just kind of a sucker for characters that are Constantly Going Through It and Tired All The Time eventually gaining weight when they get to settle down and enjoy themselves a little, and with The War being a constant in every continuity, that gives me quite a few options to apply that trope post-war (cough cough tfp ratchet cough cough I NEED THAT MAN TO STOP STARVING HIMSELF DAMMIT)

In conclusion, your honor, I think I just like seeing my faves fat n' happy.

[cloudmancy]

not to rekindle old discourse if you've moved on, but i was listening to you & @kindlespark's interview on the complicated women podcast / have enjoyed reading your fhjy posts and wanted to ask your thoughts on why the beginning of the season felt so promising to you? i enjoyed the premiere and the premise of the stresses of 11th grade/the rat grinders as foils, but as the season continued i started to feel disillusioned - it seemed less and less like an interactive/collaborative story (cassandra's death, fig's quest to rehabilitate ruben, the ratgrinders being really hard to find/interact with in general) and more of a tour through some unsatisfying callback easter eggs (i simply don't care about porter and it kind of felt like not even emily did). imo the ratgrinders were set up to fail as a narrative concept ever since the bad kids got mad at them for grinding and brennan just sheepishly grinned and shrugged at the camera, and while i share your disappointment that there was no coming together/addressing the root academic injustices that plagued both the bad kids and the ratgrinders, i don't think it was as surprising to me, as the season had already felt too filled with bits/joking around to be that dramatically tight - ironically, i think they got too bogged down in roleplaying scholastic tedium. i tend to come to d20 with a mindset of like, this is primarily a comedy and if they end up producing a satisfying narrative arc, great (and they certainly have achieved this in the past), but i don't think it's a coincidence that most d20 seasons are regarded as having unsatisfying endings - i think it's an incredibly hard thing to do in a ttrpg setting, even for professionals, especially so if their instincts are more towards comedy. they are great artists and improvisers, but evidently that doesn't mean they can't fail to cohere, and i think this season suffered from a lack of investment in narrative all around - brennan not being as flexible with the plot as he's been in the past, the players i think (some anyway) feeling a little tired of these characters and playing them as more chaotic/violent than usual (kristen's random nudism, fig's truancy, gorgug's hatred/bullying of maryann, fabian threatening to skin ivy). idk, i'm just rambling at this point - my overall message is that i'm in agreement that the finale was a letdown, but i'm curious as to how you thought the promising themes interacted with the story/performances in the earlier parts of the season, cause when i look back at it i don't see a unified vision, just some individually interesting pieces that never seemed to fit together, and i don't think i just feel that way in hindsight, but am open to other perspectives (disclaimer that obv this is all opinion and subject to debate)

here are sam's thoughts on it!

ok my thing is that 1) i love porter as a villain and i don't think the twist takes away from his character; i think brennan tied him to ankarna REALLY well and with genuine thought. the lore drop scene in the temple was genuinely chilling and very very cool to me and brennan clearly set up a lot of lore around it that was interesting and not just funny bc fig thought he was bad the whole time. i think porter is a great character and had the bad kids engaged with his philosophy of rage and not had ice feast completely nullify his threat he could've been a really compelling villain. 2) i genuinely had hope for the rat grinders because of brennan's insistence to make npcs like eugenia talk about them as foils, the fact that they used to be the high-five heroes, and the fact that he made them closer to unwilling participants than actual villains. seemed like genuine threads of complexity that the bad kids just didn't pick up on, but i also clearly was fooled bc that brennan didn't react to fig's attempts to convert ruben shows that he wasn't really prepared to have the final battle as anything but tbk vs trg 😭 i think the downtime system was actually really fun and effective at portraying both scholastic tedium while also embellishing the themes (rage tokens!!) 3) this probably wasn't made clear in the ep but i didn't expect d20 to write a perfect thematic story about addressing systemic injustices; i just wanted them to give me any kind of thematic acknowledgment in the battle at all and not just with ankarna. i am very aware that im always reading into the subtext of d20 seasons--that lament is more for the subtext that Could've Been. i agree with you about everything you've said wrt ttrpg settings and lack of narrative investment, but i had higher hopes because fhsy and tuc are so much better with their themes and the themes brennan appeared to be setting up seemed so… obvious to me…. it had me ignoring all the red flags 😭

[dors-ee]

so I've been playing Hades 2 and here's my feels for now! (I think I need to make an actual official review for supergiant on steam but idk how to do it... if someone knows! I am not comfortable doing it on discord )

For someone that is not a gamer and one of the last game I'd play being roguelike (adhd and boredom plus the stress of the fights) I love Hades 2! The art is what attracted me first then I watched the technical test and was basically sold haha!

I had to put god mode on bc I am just too bad as a player but I still am having a blast. God mode doesn't make it all too easy and Eris still kicks my ass and Chronos I can beat him but gosh is he stressful (but I love him!). It makes it accessible for me, I dabbled into the oath and trials of Chaos thing. I'm really not good enough haha rven with god mode, but it was still fun to do the first levels and I do hope I'll improve enough to try them again.

Like I really like this balance of hard and accessible. I play on a keyboard too, so it's sometimes tricky with thr weapons and I avoid a few of them, but again I'm still having a lot of fun!

The amount of ressources and things to deal with (enhancements, etc.) is a lot when you look at it like that but it is introduced in a way that makes it not overwhelming and I actually like it. I think it keeps you busy, with always something to aim toward (in addition to the story) without being overwhelming. Also you can decide to prioritize one or the other.

The thing they implemented in patch one with the gathering tools definitely helped though! It was a bit bothersome the old system.

All in all I really really love the game, the story, the art, but actually also the gameplay! I prefer it to Hades 1 -which I tried yes!-. More... idk, interesting for me. I had to sometimes be strategic and I am far from being as good at it and as using the gameplay as good players are, but for me, it pushed me. It also means I have to play when i am not too cognitvely tired haha. Cause to handle all the keys on the keyboard, the different abilities/attacks, foes, dodge, etc. that's taking! Not too much, but personally when I tire out I definitely start to take more risks and sometimes it pays off and other times just rushing in the fight head first without avoiding anything is not the way to go 🤣 (even with god mode on).

I really find the game taking and interesting and compelling. For me it striked a good balance on many many different places. Busy but not overwhelming, still hard even with god mode bur accessible, fun, but serious, and like I said I do need some cognitive ressources but also not that muchm like it still is fun.

I love love love the characters and the lore with the witchraft. I prefer the underworld path for now, bc I really struggle with the surface ennemies but like the idea of the rift of Thessaly in itself? Awesome! Same for the city! The ideas are great!

The game is very varied, but without like it being too much. It still ties in together into a coherent whole thing. Like it's great. The songs, etc.

I really am enjoying the game and can't wait to see what else they'll add! My only fear is that they'd make it less accessible for people like me not being very good at video games... I know for Hades 1 some people complained at the lack of difficulty for seasoned players. So idk...

I want to enjoy it and have the story and all. I do like challenge but I prefer like a desirable difficulty like there is now. I can pick my challenge and the game itself is still accessible -challenging too- but I can do it. And I can improve and succeed and even when I lose I am not too too frustrated (except Eris maybe) but just "ah well I'll try again. I learnt stuff, I'll apply them next time!" (I also hope they wouldn't make it too easy... it's a hard balance to find I am aware of it!).

I also have the choice. I like that, the choice of the challenge, the choice of the weapon, etc. i don't have to do things I don't want to do, I am not forced to like use weapons I don't like. You can still get the story, and have fun and progress. yes you are encouraged to challenge yourself and try things but you also aren't punished if you don't. And I really really really like that. I know it already was in the first game, and I am happy they did it again and hope they'll keep this aspect. You are encouraged to do thingsx but not punished if you don't and like keep to a few weapons or Arcana cards, etc.

edit : I also hope they won't change Chaos and Chronos! I love them as they are! Same for Melinoë! I ssw some criticism of her (and Chaos' design) but I really really really love her as she is! (And Chaos' design).

and Chronos is just... Chronos 🤣 Love this titan. (hate love, you know. He makes me laugh. He's I think also more complex than we think. At least his character and the story is... like I saw someone speak of the little sprinkles here and there of "ya know maybe the gods -olympians- are not so good etc etc." and like I am so HYPED about this, I really hope it'll go somewhere, it's SO INTERESTING. And so yeah, Chronos is a bitch and he did terrible stuff but is he really that much of a villain? Or if he is, which yeah he kinda is, ... is the alternative to him that good? And the Fate storyline... SO GREAT GREAT GREAT. Melinoë wants to save them and all... but should she? As for Chronos : he's fun, but scary, but fun. )

[cinemaglow]

This isn't going to be very coherent I'm sorry. I'm not a Buck-Tick superfan. I very easily *could* be but I've held myself back since I don't really have the time and energy to invest and become voraciously obsessed with a band like when I was younger. I haven't listened to all their albums. I've only watched or read a few translated interviews. Idk why I feel like I have to preface this post like this. I guess it's just weird that this is the most profoundly affected I've been by a musician's death in years, and I don't even have the encyclopedic knowledge that I do for some other musicians to have built a parasocial relationship on. I think it speaks for the depths of the beauty that Sakurai contained, that even while maintaining a respectful distance and just catching a surface level glinpse of his inner life he was so, so compelling. And even though I never learned a lot about his personal life I feel a kinship with him.

There are a few bands that have changed my life, not just in a general sense but in specific, measurable ways. Buck-Tick is one of them. I've had treatment resistant depression for most of my life. In 2020 I was, not as actively suicidal as I have occasionally been, but just so so tired and hopeless. I couldn't imagine a future for myself and I was fully prepared to never get out of bed again until I starved and decomposed. Somebody shared a picture of Sakurai on tumblr. I don't remember who or why or what picture but I thought he was compelling and beautiful and me being always a slut for men with long hair I was like 👀👀👀 and that's what led me to Buck-Tick.

Discovering Buck-Tick in late 2020 convinced me to keep fighting for my life. In fact it was reading the translation of these particular lyrics that literally gave my an epiphany or an internal eucatastrophe, like something fundamentally changed in the workings of my brain and the trajectory of my life made a sharp turn:

Your living heartbeat in this world is ephemeral, but it’s beautiful

The living heartbeat of everything in this world is ephemeral, but even so it shines

Your living heartbeat in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

A person I love can live in this world—there’s nothing sad at all

It's honestly kind of cheesy that something can change your outlook so immediately but I remember distinctly realizing that living depressed and miserable is still being a living person and therefore an expression of the goodness and beauty in the universe. I sobbed. I felt truly glad to be alive for the first time in a long, long time. I posted as much on facebook, so you could actually go back and find the exact date it happened. Anyway. I accepted that even if I never get completely better it's still worth fighting to be a bit better. I started grad school. I've made it alive through a lot of rancid shit associated with grad school. I still feel an underlying current of hope and ?cosmic joy? even when my more immediate mental health takes a nosedive because my fundamental view of the world has changed.

People who are a lot more knowledgeable about Sakurai's personal life than I am are posting about how even though he struggled deeply all his life he always fought to live, to find the beauty inherent in living, and that mindset clearly came through in his words and music, because he transmitted it to me. He was so, so beautiful, his mind, voice, countenance, artistry.....he and the rest of the band gave me a blueprint for aging fabulously when I literally couldn't picture myself being middle aged. I think he did a good job, with everything. I kind of feel the same way now as I did when I found out about a friend's suicide earlier this year. Like, it's all okay for him, on his end. One of my spiritual beliefs is that death is a reward, a well earned rest after engaging in the Sacred Work of living. Even if it's a few decades earlier than expected Sakurai deserves to rest after all he's given and I'm happy for him. It's the rest of us that have lost something. It's like we have one less star in the sky. I kind of had a dream that maybe I could make so stage clothes for him one day but oh well.

I was up for several hours just kind of numb last night after I heard the news so I am going to get something to eat and go back to bed for a bit (being unemployed does come with privileges haha). I'm feeling a lot more at peace now than I was last night. Later on I'm going to take a shower and then paint my nails, which seems like the best thing I can do at the moment to honor him. And I'm going to keep living, and making beautiful gothy clothes, and putting more beauty out into the world and appreciating the beauty that is always there no matter what happens.

[eldestvirtuevic]

Maybe life isn't that bad after all. But I don't really remember a time when my life wasn't a constant struggle with myself. And I think I constantly relive the past. I feel like I'm unable to trust or connect with a human being in a deeper emotional level. I'm anxious, scared, angry, disappointed and tired. I expect so fucking much from myself and when I fail to meet these expectations I feel like I should be punished. I don't know whether I believe or believed I deserve to be happy, to be loved, to be flourishing. I mean I've been taking meds since I was 13 and have attented therapy sessions countless times. Somehow I survived my preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school despite depressive episodes reappearing over and over again and recurring suicidal thoughts. I think that I was in my little shell, impenetrable barrier protecting me from all of the dangers of the outside world. I still am, probably. I've never talked about myself and my interests. I was afraid of being ridiculed, judged, and disrespected. Well, maybe there were moments where I was authentic and revealed who I was during meetings with my closest group of friends at that time. I think that I don't know really know how to talk about myself, my feelings and my interests. It's an art that I'm not very good at. Or maybe I want to believe that I'm not very good at. I often feel that I'm unauthentic. It was always the case that I borrowed interests and worldviews from the people that I spent time with. I was doing everything to blend in, to be someone else, but be accepted and liked. I felt like my authentic self was unattractive, unexciting, boring. I mean I still feel that way. But I'd like to change that. I'd to like myself, to love myself. I'd to like to show myself to the world. Maybe I'm not that bad at all. Maybe there's hope. What I was even writing about lmao? Idk I know that I'm tired of hiding myself and of other things, but maybe later about that. God, I needed that vent so bad. I don't know whether it's coherent and well-structured. So, what I'm gonna do? I don't know. Am I gonna feel all right? How would I know? Let's just see

[the-busy-ghost]

On the whole I think it's incredibly productive for historians (and indeed any other occupation) to think critically about what they do and why, and whether their discipline is fundamentally worthwhile or whether our methods even meet the critical and moral standards we use to govern the rest of our lives.

On the other hand, I live in a country where jury duty is one of the most important duties incumbent on a citizen and, though random, not a statistically unlikely possibility. So I'm starting to get a bit tired of having to defend the choice to spend my time developing advanced source criticism skills rather than, say, learning how computers work.

Learning both would be ideal, but I'm only one person. Equally the distant possibility that I might have to serve on a jury one day was not the reason I got into history nor is it a major motivation for doing it now, but hey whatever weird thing it was that got me interested, technically I'm learning some skills that could come in handy one day and doing something is always better than sitting around doing nothing. Nor am I saying that historians (or other people in the arts and humanities) are going to be any better at being jury members than the next person (since biases crop up where you least expect and historians as weird as the next person), and let's face it I already routinely fail to use my critical thinking skills multiple times every day. But if I have to spend my days doing SOMETHING then hey there are worse things I could be practising.

This is not a coherent point, I'm aware, I'm just thinking through some things because if I don't get it out of my system now I'll be mulling over this all night and I have work to do so that's not an option. Anyway idk somebody asked me earlier about historical method and the nature of factual 'accuracy' and it was such a good question that I still do not have a decent answer for, but if we accept that similar methods of coming to a Conclusion (right or wrong) are used in legal cases which are considerably more important than most of the historical research I engage in (since they're concerned with living people who may suffer the consequences), then I think logically it can't be so terrible to spend my time using and testing those methods even if it's not exactly going to cure cancer.

P.S. It is also very worthwhile to spend time figuring out how computers work, I am not shitting on that, merely suggesting it as an example of a field humanities students often get told they should go into because it's more 'useful'. Maybe it is but considering the nature of truth and how we come to a conclusions when we live in a democracy and have certain civic duties that go along with that isn't exactly useless either. And also, since people are always going to USE history, regardless of whether or not they understand it (see, for example, politicians) it's probably worthwhile figuring out how to conduct historical research effectively.

Idk. I'm going to be on this earth anyway, I'm going to have do something with my time for the rest of my life anyway, there are worse ways to spend it.

[breadstickysquid]

my thoughts on endless sunsets, from the pov of someone who is very mentally ill and has a partner they love with their entire heart (cw for talk of mental health and suicide):

so. ow. fuck. godamn. okay then. just MAKE me hurt like that.

i cannot formulate my thoughts coherently right now other than "AAAAHASIDSHFYDUUJIUWAAUUUUGHBBHBGBHGBBBAAAUUHHHH" but i'll do my damn best (beware, this all might be incomprehensible) AND KEEP IN MIND I'm not all caught up on the caimsey lore!!!

this hit me hard. really hard. from both the pov of c!quqqie and from c!aimsey (and all of their friends)

i've struggled with anxiety and depression for 6+ years now. i can't remember a time when i didn't struggle with my mental health.

I was doing really poorly in 2020. i was very depressed, isolated from most of my friends, and constantly behind in school. i was struggling, and at multiple points in the year i was very seriously (but didn't actually make plans) considering ending it all. i was tired.

early 2021 i finally joined twitter, to be able to interact with the mcyt fandom.

through twitter, i met the most important person in my life.

my best friend, my partner, my other half.

it's been far over 2 years since we've met now, and since i met them, my life has become so much better. we hang out of hours on vc, chat daily, and we just, get each other on a deeper level than anyone else i've met. It's cheesy, but I genuinely believe we're soulmates. For ages, we thought we were just best friends, until awhile ago when we realized we were actually queerplatonic, and since then, my days are full of the heartache that I have from just having. So much love for xem. When it's hard for me to see the beauty in life, they help me see it again. When they're feeling down, I'm there to pick them back up. I am theirs and they are mine, we are each other's better halves, together to the end.

A couple years ago, I wouldn't have expected to live past my 20s. Now, I can comfortably see myself growing old, and it's because of my partner.

I see me and my partner in caimsey and cquqqie, and it hits HARD.

I see c!sunshipduo as the world where me and my partner didn't communicate as well, and ended up being too scared of heartbreak after years of having loved ones abandon us, and cutting the relationship off before it could fully bloom.

I saw some people being like "woah, aimsey and quqqie sound so genuinely sad in their acting, thats really impressive. I wonder how" and I can tell you, watching Endless Sunsets, it... it broke me, thinking of me and my partner (or our half-us/half-oc characters) as c!sunshipduo. I imagined losing my partner, either the way that caimsey or cquqqie did, and I cried. I'm still crying as i write this. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my partner, and being a creature of anxiety, i worry about it a lot. I've had nightmares about something bad happening, and never seeing xem again.

Seeing caimsey continue living eased some of that weight in my chest. Because even if things go horribly wrong and something happened to my partner, life goes on. cquqqie would have wanted caimsey to live, and so they did. I now know that I'd do the same.

Idk, I might come back to this either as an edit or a reblog to dump more thoughts, or to actually organize the damn thing.

and yall!! I'd love to see your stories of your feelings regarding the caimsey finale, and how it helped you, if you're comfortable :]

Thank you so much @aimseytv for making this beautiful character that helped both you and us grow as people, becoming who we are today. We will all continue to bloom.

[doctorguilty]

Nightmares

I feel asleep when i got home because I was tired and also started having an awful headache, but I slept so weirdly having weird and bad dreams and waking up a lot and falling back asleep, at one point I woke myself up because I was sleep talking (rare for me but when it does happen I tend to wake up from my own noise) and I vaguely remember I was having a dream where I was talking to someone random, but irl I whispered "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to" and it's weird getting woken up by my own sleep talking cause it's like there's an overlap where I'm still asleep saying it but I'm also waking up and aware mid sentence. Anyway idk it's usually a bad sign when that happens like it means I'm having weird stress dreams

I fell back asleep shortly after and I proceeded to have an awful nightmare, I dreamed I got dropped off at a store and I waited to get picked up but nobody came because they all fell asleep. It was 10 pm when I finally called someone because the store closed and I was just standing outside in the dark. My grandma picked up, I'd woken her up and I felt bad but she came to get me. For whatever reason everyone was staying at my mom's house, so that's where she was driving me home to.

My mom's house is kinda in the sticks irl, not horribly so, but the roads do get scary at night because they're windy and dark which is what I was dreaming about. We had driven SO long we should have gotten there by now but somehow we got lost. After turning around multiple times and seeing nothing we recognized I took out my phone to use Google maps but every time I typed in the address, it would route me to a completely different address. Like it didn't recognize the address and just "autofilled" what it thought I meant but it was unhelpful because I didn't recognize any of its suggestions. In the meantime my grandma kept driving, somehow unfazed and just saying things like "hm. Must've taken a wrong turn. It's okay I'll find it". I tried zooming in on the map and just manually looking but my service was poor and it was difficult getting street names and such to load. Sometimes I just had no service whatsoever and I just had to wait until it came back

In the meantime the road was so dark I was scared of crashing, a few times there was stuff that quickly crossed the road like deer though sometimes it looked like a small child or something and would just disappear into the darkness. Sometimes there was most definitely like adult people jogging alongside the road even though it in the middle of the night and I was scared we'd hit someone.

Any time I could get any coherent glimpse of the map it seemed like we'd gone 40 mins in the wrong direction, I suggested maybe we stop driving and wait until I could finally route us to the address but my grandma just calmly said it's okay don't worry she's just gonna keep looking

We were driving through like, tunnels and shit that don't exist in that area, sometimes we wouldn't see the road and accidently drive off it and like slide down a hill to a lower road. And she'd just keep driving.

It felt like hours and there'd be times where the sun was rising and we could see the roads a little better, but then suddenly it would become pitch dark again. (I don't recall seeing any kind of clock in the dream or even thinking about checking one.) My grandma never seemed distressed by any of this, which made it worse. She just kept calmly driving. Eventually in the dream I began to think I? We? Were dead and this was purgatory. Driving in the dark forever looking for my mom's house and never getting there.

Irl, I'd woken up SEVERAL TIMES, thought "oh thank God that dream is over" like very coherently, rolled over or whatever, fall back asleep, and the dream just continued where it left off in the car. It must have been 4 or 5 times this repeated before, finally, here I am now being like, I don't want to go back to sleep I'm awake I'm not getting back in the car

My head still hurts anyway so I should take some of my prescription medicine. And eat. Fuck

[official-lauchzwiebel]

SPOILERS FOR GOOD OMENS SEASON 2 EPISODE 3

------

Another bout of semi-coherent notes and thoughts ahead. I apologize for (spelling) mistakes but can't be bothered to check as I am too tired.

-----

-CAUGHT THE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE REFERENCE!! BITCH!

-Pleaseeee crowley in azirphale's bookshop and aziraphale driving the bentley........ the level of trust the intemacy. I need to sit down.

-crowley throwing away a stack of books not once but twice. Work.

-aziraphale's changes to the bentley. I loved the yellow.

-the newspaper hat!!!!! My god. He was so excited and happy.

-another person in a gray suit. Mh. I wonder what angel that could be

-the guys in the graveyard. For a sec i was sure that aziraphale was about to get hatecrimed

-my bestie!!! Miracling the phone all better

-oyyy the minisode. Morality and being poor/rich. Important topic. Not able to analyze it in a meaningful way as thoughts not happening rn.

-wee morag :((

-crowley being off his arse on laudanum. Pls the shrinking and growing??

work. And being Kind. I really wanted to kiss him for that

-also a moment of appreciation for their outfits. Crowley slayed Hard.

-and David Tennant's scottish accent!!! YEAH!

-the large ass hole. I did laugh really hard tho.

-crowley playing matchmaker and it nearly (kind of?) working

-nina and maggie. 'I'm not your type' - 'You have no idea.' I got butterflies.

-i was right about m(r)s sandwich showing up hehe

-oh muriel!!!!! Award for most autistic ethereal being out there. My beloved.

-the end with shax. And Crowley -- 'always too late' girl too late for what?? For WHAT??

-very excited for the next episode.

-Was so excited that i in fact rewatched the first ep of the second season (german dub this time. Am so used to the english one that the dubbed voices - at least for aziraphale and crowley - don't... how do i put this ...sit right with me? Idk. The dubbing's good tho. Just not my cuppa tea (cuppery höhö.))

-----

@neil-gaiman semi-liveblog i suppose :)

[kitcat-italica]

A very specific and complain-y rant that is probably an example of kitcat's thin-skinned-ness incoming:

There's been 2 major instances this week of my fandom spaces being invaded, and I'm so fucking tired of it.

To clarify: I don't mean 'invaded' in the sense that I found some discourse I didn't like on Reddit, or people started showing up with bad faith takes in the Tumblr tags. Those are annoying, but they're not my fandom spaces — they're public spaces. Anyone can post whatever they'd like. You explore the public spaces of the internet at your own risk.

What I mean by 'invasion' is because these incidents happened on my own specific corners of the internet I have curated for my own fandom experience — namely my AO3 account of my own fic, and an invite-only discord server specific to a particular fandom. (Theoretically anyone out there could join that server, since the invite links are floating out there in public spaces? But the fandom is relatively small, and the number of active users on the server even smaller, so my experience of interacting with people on there qualifies it as a private fandom space.)

I am very protective of my private fandom spaces. I curate my internet experience through these spaces to be fun happy escapism from reality with like-minded people. If you find your way into my private fandom spaces, I would hope the understood expectation is that you add to that experience. Maybe that was too much to ask, idk.

Basically what happened was:

1. I started getting a bunch of comments on a fic from someone without an account. They kept changing their anon name to be different names? But it was obvious it was the same person. And they took the story that means a lot to me, and just started quoting certain parts of it wildly out of context, not really making coherent points and just kind of rambling, and making gross assumptions about it. I'm not really sure what response they're hoping to get? It's the strangest troll I've ever received, but I felt all kinds of gross after reading their 13 comments of this nature over the last 3 days.

2. Yesterday me and my discord server buddies were talking about the parts of canon that we really like, good-naturedly joking about parts of it, having fun. When all of a sudden, someone butts in to say that one of the parts I mentioned was one of the worst things about it that they didn't like. It was such an abrupt tone shift from the fun conversation that it really caught me off-guard? I was so taken aback I just commented "agree to disagree :)" and just shut down, and didn't participate in the conversation for the rest of the night.

It's so frustrating and heartbreaking to me, because it's not like I went trawling through public spaces and found some bad takes that I felt icky about. No, these are instances of people coming into my private internet spaces, and intentionally making thoughtless comments to bring down my (and maybe other people's) fun time. Maybe one of these instances would've rolled off me after an initial "ick" response, but the fact that it's been piling up on me in the last few days has just made it dig into my skin and stick there.

Part of me really doesn't want to participate in fandom anymore. I hadn't updated that AO3 fic for years now, but I was toying with the idea of picking it back up again. But now I squirm every time I think about what the potential response might be, if it's now on the radar of people like that. As for the discord server, maybe I'll bring it up to one of the mods, but it's not like the person did anything against the rules? They were just expressing their opinion like we all were. But I def don't feel as comfortable talking on there anymore.

I know I'm being very thin-skinned about all this, and in the grand scheme of things this is not that big of a problem. But it still feels awful, and a big piece of joy in my life has been shaken and gives me anxiety when I step into those spaces I used to enjoy.

[windvexer]

Hi! I'm reblogging because it's too many words to reply back.

(Sorry if I'm less coherent today, I was up super late traveling last night and I'm a little brain melty)

In the way that I work sorcery there is a difference between enchanting an item to fulfill a purpose, and then filling that item with power so it can do its job.

If I took an unenchanted item which has never been magically worked over, and then did a proper feeding charm and applied enchanted feeding oil to it, then I wouldn't really expect anything to happen at all. I wouldn't even necessarily expect the current "vibes" of the object to be amplified. It's like taking gasoline and pouring it onto the ground.

To me, the act of enchanting an object is similar to the act of building an engine. Something can be built to fulfill a purpose/function, but lack the gasoline to make the cylinders fire. The feeding oil is the gasoline. It can be applied during the object enchantment process, but also afterwords in the normal course of the spell's life to empower it and recharge it.

But also, for me at least, it's like a numbers thing!

I am a sort of low-energy practitioner and the act of directly feeding/charging any spell using direct energy work is very tiring for me.

When I've got, idk, a protection amulet and it needs to be recharged, sitting down and directly funneling energy into it could literally take an entire day or two of my magical juice. I'm just not high octane enough to do it on my own.

So a solution to that is to dedicate physical offerings to a spell, just as you would offer to a spirit. Oil, food, incense, liquor, honey, etc., are all substitutes to feed/charge a spell when it runs dry. This way, you can sacrifice a physical offering instead of doing direct energy work (so I can feed all my spells in one day and be drained, instead of feeding only one and being absolutely wiped out).

I also believe that properly feeding a spell isn't as easy as smearing some olive oil on the spell jar; there is also a bit of a charm to help the spell "find" the food and gorge on it. This feeding charm takes some amount of energy as you are, I suppose in a certain sense, guiding an astral beast to the physical world and helping it find the smeary oil to feed on.

An enchanted feeding oil simplifies the process a couple of times over, by A) being ritually empowered to be powerfully vivifying to all spells, above and beyond what a simple mundane offering could provide, but also B) by virtue of being enchanted, it's a lot less draining to do the actual feeding process.

If something is already lit up on the astral plane for the purpose of readily combining with a spell, that cuts out a heck of a lot of having to manually work with the spell and get it to feed. It's like if a steak dinner had legs and a neon sign that says "Eat Me!". The feeding oil (or other prepared substance) will do a lot of the legwork on it's own.

At the end of the day, for me, preparing a feeding substance is draining and takes plenty of time and energy as any major ritual would. But, it's something I can do once every several weeks (as I like to regularly re-enchant), and then as needed, I can feed and empower spells very often without draining myself to the point of literal fatigue, headaches, or other issues. So it doesn't take the place of enchanting an object, but it helps out (IMO) a heck of a lot in maintaining an object to keep working as often as I need it to.

(Especially since I find that when I need all of my fancy little magical spells to work, it's because I'm in an emergency, probably a stressful one where much of my energy is already going towards helping those around me, or dealing with a crisis, and I really can't just nope out of life for several days so I can personally charge all my spells. As I mentioned above, for me it's a numbers thing; it's a bigger upfront investment but it pays big dividends)

(Sorry I really hope this addressed your interest, when I get worn out my reading comprehension kind of sucks and it can be hard for me to organize thoughts)

To prepare a feeding oil for spells, for the purpose of charging spell vessels without direct energy work

In my strain of witchcraft, feeding of any spell (such as amulets or wards) is best done by applying a charmed physical substance, such as oil or incense. To use direct energy work is a stopgap solution not suitable for normal upkeep. To imagine the spell refilled with energy, without active energy work, is never a suitable solution.

Feeding of spells can be made from a chore into a breeze (*1950s commercial transition*) with the use of a small quantity of pre-charmed oil, such as olive oil, or any shelf-stable cooking oil (not E.O.). The most basic of these formulas is only a fat or oil with no other ingredients added.

Charming about an ounce or 30ml of oil will last months or more, even if you use it often.

The preparation is best performed on a Monday or full moon, or from the turning from midnight to the new day. Re-enchant the oil as often as desired, especially if it couldn't be initially enchanted under ideal conditions.

Put the entire quantity of oil you want to use in a clean, sealable container. Take the oil to a place free-flowing with magical power, such as under the full moon, in the presence of your allied gods, or within a cast circle teeming with elemental power.

Enter magical headspace through trance or any technique you prefer.

Using a clean stirring stick, or with a very clean finger, stir the oil clockwise while petitioning the powers in your presence. Call to the full moon, gods, elementals, and so forth, and ask them to bless the oil for the purpose of feeding, so that when spells consume it, the spell is revitalized and made fat with power. Speak plainly or plan a rhyme ahead of time. Work over the oil with constant stirring for several minutes, or until every petition is made, or until you have said everything that needs to be said.

When intuition advises, or when there's nothing left to be done, perform a sealing charm ("so mote it be" or variants) over the oil.

Thank all present powers and, if your tradition recommends it, provide payment as necessary.

If any energy is left raised, ground all of it into the oil.

Seal and set aside. Close the ritual as you normally do.

To feed a spell as you are casting it, or after it has been cast, dab a bit of the oil onto a tissue or Q-tip and wipe it on the spell vessel. Avoid sticking fingers into the jar as bacteria helps oils go rancid.

Re-enchant the oil in the same method as often as you like. To top off the oil, add more oil and re-enchant.

[weirdfishy]

Fishy, my dear, you might darn well be the only person besides me who exists in the middle of this venn diagram, but I am torn between two options here. In the AU where Jason Todd has a decent career as a YA/children's author, he needs a penname for obvious reasons.

I am torn between "Peter Something," (Peter Al-Ghul? Peter Kane? Idk I need to read more Jason) and using his middle name for simplicity's sake, or going full niche dork and using "Spencer Elliott."

I can't be the only one who sees a similarity between Jason and Eliot, right? Like. Jason's more patient, more wily, more of a mastermind. But other than that... *gestures* Similar vibes??? Idk I'm tired and slightly tipsy I hope I'm being coherent

empress, darling, i’ve got to say i’m more dangling my feet in the dc/batfam circle and floating along in the leverage circle, i simply like reading fanfic from the people i follow even if it's not entirely the fandom i followed them for; it expands my horizons when i read things with half an understanding, and dc is a convoluted classic i haven't much devoted time to detangling.

in terms of jason todd, i primarily know him as tire-stealing kid that bats takes under his wing and resurrected red hood pissed at the joker and bats/until he does the 'kill me or i kill him' thing (+ the fanfic ideal of batfam)

i appreciate you thinking of me!!!! so i’ll give a couple cents best i can:

for the first option i wouldn't have much of a clue bc i don't have too great a grasp on jason as a character, but for last names i think Robinson would be slightly funny and idk why Crowe popped into my head when thinking about it

_

as for the second option, i'm completely, always, totally On Board with the "reference that's kinda unnecessary, kinda not at all related to this, but it's here Bc I Said So"

but i am kinda seeing where you could go with their comparison…

theyʻve both got that anger and went down the way of solving their problems with some ass kicking for their own means. to the point of Jason’s masterminding, agreed, you don't just take control over multiple gangs for funsies— similarly, Eliot has the ability to see the bigger picture, I think— like, it’s been said that he’s 80% con-man/grifter, 20% hitter, and while he doesn’t mastermind his cons, he does take care in whose cons he’s apart of (prefering to work alone pre-leverage) and what is happening in those cons

imo, eliot is more of a passive power and jason is more of an aggressive power, but their vibes for the kind of power they wield / how they wield it are so so similar

also i think it'd be worth comparing them with the distinction of their characters in different parts of their timeline?? like pre-Leverage Eliot and post/during-Leverage Eliot are two very different people, and during-batman/robin Jason and post-batman/red hood Jason are different; there's a distinct shift.

idk i was just thinking about both of their issues/subsequent anger, and what they end up doing with it + how their methods of handling it change (now i'm sort of feeling like a 'you could've been This if you had This Circumstance' could sort of fit in their comparison of where they start and where they end up?)

i whittled this down from all kinds of tangents that were mostly barely related and i was looking for that second link for a hot min but hopefully this was a little worth the wait ? (kala mai/sorry)

thanks for this ask empress!! 💗💗

[youdontloveme-yet]

Hey, I'm just wondering why what happens in the preview makes narrative sense to you. Could you explain? Btw, this isn't to start any shit, I respect your opinion, I'm just genuinely curious because I don't see it myself and I want to understand.

Hello, Anon! Sorry for answering so late, but I got high yesterday and I am not very coherent when that happens :)

I am not going to go into a 4 page essay as to why it makes sense, I would simply say that both Pran and Pat are very attached to their parents, even if they have hurt them quite a lot and running away would absolutely and inevitably destroy their whole being. Throughout the entirety of episode 11 we see them break down - silently and in their own space, but they both feel very bad about it.

They both know that this whole get away is for the sake of their sanity and closure, rather than actually escaping the inevitable reality that awaits them. They both know that this is their way to part ways.

The whole getaway is just a way for them to be at peace with themselves and each other, to get what they fought for, even for a bit. And I think that is beautiful, no matter how much it hurts.

It makes sense, because usually in BL we see a breakup that is forced by external forces for the sake of drama, while in this case we see a conscious, calculated decision they make together. And you don't even need dialogue to know, that's the beauty of it, there are so many underlying tones in their silent looks and faint touches, smiles and overall interactions.

They are aware that their families will not accept them and the thing is, yeah, they could do it in secret, but this is Pran and Pat, they are insanely tired of hiding. And they know that their paths will cross again, it keeps happening again and again. They have made peace with the fact that their time has just not yet come.

The family thing is a universal type of bullshit and unfortunately it does happen a lot. If it were me, I would too part with the person I love in order to salvage whatever is left of my family. This episode was about healing and forgiveness. That is all.

Also, in the preview they are going to the school reunion, not uni/college, so the time jump won't even be something that long. So, yeah, it makes sense, because they will never be happy with an outcome that puts their relationship with their families in danger.

Idk, man. That's just me. Maybe I am the one fucked in the head. :)