#...i mean whaaaaat i have no idea who that mysterious roof person was...

[rotomblr-island]

Sylvan got a strange letter... someone wanted to meet him up on the roof. He didn't know who wrote it, but he decided to see what it was all about!

[s-j-ace]

The Same Question

Chapter Three

Characters: Shuichi Saihara, Ouma Kokichi

Words: 3360

Summary:

After Detective Shuichi Saihara encounters mysterious thief Kokichi Ouma for the first time, a game of cat and mouse ensues as both men ask themselves the same question. Why exactly does the elusive phantom thief do what he does?

This is Chapter Three, Here are Chapters One and Two

Read on AO3

[Log of Text Messages from Kaede Akamatsu’s Cellular Device]

From: Me

Hey Shuichi! How's it going? I haven't heard from you in a while. I keep forgetting I'm a human person and not a piano machine while I'm on this tour lol.

From: Shuichi! :D

Hi Kaede! I'm sorry! I forgot to check in on how your tour is going, probably because I've been kind of busy myself. How are you?

From: Me

No need to apologize silly 

I'm doing ok

Just craving human interaction that isn't a graceful hand shake or an approving nod rn 

Hey if you've been busy that means you're working another case, right? 

From: Shuichi! :D

Haha yeah I guess.

Or at least I'm trying.

From: Me

👀

You wanna talk about it or is this one still top secret?

From: Shuichi! :D

Uh

Well

I guess there's no client or victim to protect with this one

And there's nothing really stopping me from talking about it

But it's not that interesting to be honest.

From: Me

You're talking to a girl who is on her phone rn to avoid playing hoity toity with a bunch of rich people who like dressing up fancy more than they actually appreciate music :///

Anything is an improvement tbh

From: Shuichi! :D

Haha ok

Well

So like I've been tracking some thieves for a while now.

From: Me

Oooh is this like the Novoselic case?

From: Shuichi! :D

No it's more like a series of robberies than one big robbery.

From: Me

The intrigue,,, 😲😲🤔🤔

From: Shuichi! :D

Anyway it's just a group of thieves

They just robbed this casino and it's a little frustrating

Because I looked at the security tapes and they just kind of…

Walked in…

And the thing about these guys is that they all dress up like clowns

So like it’s literally just eight clowns on the security tape coming in and picking things up and leaving and there’s other people in these videos but no one even looks at them twice????

From: Me

Ffff that’s pretty funny…

From: Shuichi! :D

Hmm.. I’d probably have found it more funny if the owner of the casino hadn’t been crying and shaking me while I watched it. They dropped one of the chandeliers on his car or something.

From: Me

What??? Chandeliers????

From: Shuichi! :D

Yeah, the boss clown dangled these chandeliers off the side of the roof to distract me while these rare videogames were being stolen. Then he broke them when he thought his crew could get away.

From: Me

How is that not interesting??? That’s super intense Shuichi!! It makes me want to play movement three of Moonlight Sonata...

From: Shuichi! :D

Is that the really fast one

From: Me

Yes!!! :DDD

I’ll make a melomaniac of you yet!

From: Shuichi! :D

Does this mean you’ll stop making fun of me for getting a C in music appreciation senior year

From: Me

Oh yeah the real reason we broke up lol

From Shuichi! :D

Haha yeah.

Uh, anyway. With the thieves.

I know they're going to land in Cairo in a few days but I don't know what they're stealing.

From: Me

Hey! Rantarou's going to Cairo tomorrow!

You want me to see if I can get you a ride on his jet?

From: Shuichi! :D

Oh no you don't have to do that

From: Me

Yeah, but I'm going to

Unless you really don't want me to but I think that you do so...

From: Shuichi! :D

I dunno

That would be very nice

I'm a little low on a travel budget and I'm in Reno Nevada right now

From: Me

Oh huh where's that

From: Shuichi! :D

In America, like eleven hours away from where you are

From: Me

So? Rantarou's a trust fund baby he could afford the detour

From: Shuichi! :D

Yeah but also like

I'm pretty sure he hates me?

From: Me

Whaaaaat

Rantarou doesn't hate you

Last time you saw him you literally helped him track down all twelve of his missing sisters

From: Shuichi! :D

Yeah but I just get the vibe that he doesn't like me

From: Me

Shuichi you have social anxiety

---

From: Me

Hey you don't hate my friend Shuichi do you

From: Avocado Hair

Hmmm…

I don’t want to be mean

From: Me

Yeah you don’t >:/

From: Avocado Hair

But I thought he was a little suspicious when I first met him…

Don’t get me wrong, Shuichi’s nice and seems reliable enough

But also he’s your ex and I don’t trust exes of my friends just on principle

From: Me

...

From: Avocado Hair

Listen obviously I think Shuichi is cool now

But also it was kind of sus when he was just creeping around your shows without introducing himself…

From: Me

I invited him to those! >>:0000

From: Avocado Hair

Yeah, I know that now

He’s a nice guy alright? Really, I do owe him one

Or twelve hah

From: Me

Great! You’re picking him up from Nevada tomorrow

From: Avocado Hair

I'm doing what now

From: Me

From: Avocado Hair

So Nevada, huh?

---

From: Shuichi! :D

Yeah but also sometimes I'm right when I think people hate me

Having social anxiety does not make that not true

From: Me

I set everything up :)) he says you're a cool guy and he'll call you when he lands in Reno

From: Shuichi! :D

Oh

That's very nice of him

From: Me

Shuichi Rantarou owes you like 12 life debts

From: Shuichi

Finding missing persons is my job, it’s hardly something to owe a life over

From: Me

Shuichi it was 12 missing persons 

My mans Avocado lost track of twelve whole sisters and you found all of them and now you think he's capable of hate??? smh 😔

From: Shuichi! :D

I'm sorry okay?

From: Me

You don’t need to be!!!

--- 

    Shuichi Saihara found himself, one week after the heist in Reno, on practically the other side of the world. He was  blending in with the scattered crowd of tourists circling around the new exhibit at The Museum of Egyptian Antiquities in Cairo, Egypt. As he looked into the wide-eyed, gilden face of a newly dug up sarcophagus, Shuichi struggled to convince himself that this wasn’t a complete waste of time. Interpol and the Boulaq Police Department certainly seemed to think it was... 

Back in Paris, Interpol hadn’t ended up giving Shuichi access to DICE’s next encrypted letter of intent. Instead, after Shuichi gave his testimony to the Paris Police and the investigation was essentially wrapped up, it seemed like Agent Kiyotaka Ishimaru decided to make an appearance just to have the pleasure of yelling at Shuichi about how many protocols he would've just broken if he were actually beholden to the employment of any law enforcement agency. 

… okay that wasn't a fair characterization of Agent Ishimaru. He was a nice enough guy. He just wasn't as disillusioned with the authoritarian reality of national militias given power by systems of government forged when people still thought eating your own vomit cured smallpox. One time he gave Shuichi a juice box, and some cookies his husband made, before chewing him out, so that was pretty nice. Although maybe that was only because Shuichi had just gotten lightly stabbed by an internationally wanted drug dealer…

    Regardless, Agent Ishimaru was far from pleased that Shuichi was “performing acts of covert vigilantism again,” despite the fact that Shuichi had absolutely no idea DICE was even on the flight and therefore his reactionary investigation didn’t include anything illegal, such as stalking, that would be classified as unlawful vigilantism without the backing of the appropriate law enforcement agencies. 

When Agent Ishimaru was done giving a speech about Shuichi’s naivete, he ordered him to get off the case. Luckily for Shuichi the Paris Police thought he was with interpol because of this exchange, and they let him look at security tapes and flight records from the two closest airports. He’d been able to deduce their arrival at Reno, but wasn’t able to figure out what DICE’s mark would be until the heist was already under way. He’d just barely been able to stop them from stealing every single vintage game console from the Silver Legacy Resort. 

    After looking at tapes from the Reno-Tahoe International airport too, Shuichi had been able to deduce DICE’s next destination was Egypt, but Egypt was a country and had a lot more national landmarks than Nevada did and honestly Shuichi didn’t even know where to start looking for possible burgleables. Rantarou, a friend of Kaede's who was nice enough to give Shuichi a ride to Cairo, had asked him to check out the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities first. 

Apparently Rantarou's family could trace parts of their bloodline back to old money European families which had partaken in the awful rich people trend of the 16th century where they would just rob graves in Egypt and eat parts of mummies. As a result, they had a bunch of artifacts that didn't belong to them, so Rantarou often made trips to Egypt to return as many as he could. Right now a lot of those artifacts were getting packaged to be shipped to the Grand Egyptian Museum in Giza, because the Museum of Egyptian Antiquities was due to be superseded by it next year. He was off somewhere mixing with Museum staff while Shuichi took stock of all the possible entrances around the exhibit. 

    The museum was rather crowded, and as a couple walked up behind him, Shuichi suddenly felt that he was very obviously blocking the view of the sarcophagus display he was in front of. He muttered an apology and moved away, turning around to look at a vase closer to the corner rather than the center of the room. Like most of the artifacts on display it was in a glass case, which Shuichi had noticed seemed to be of the make and model of the kind rigged up to a silent alarm system of some sort. If the cases were opened, the guards in the security booth near the front of the museum would most likely be notified. Although, the exhibit pieces in the cases themselves didn’t seem of much note to Shuichi. There were, of course, priceless artifacts held up on stands or splayed out on ornately embroidered mini-rugs inside the cases, but none of it quite seemed to fit DICE’s MO. Maybe he could look into the other exhi...bits….

    Shuichi’s train of thought trailed off as he noticed that on the other side of the vase he was looking at stood a young woman in a headscarf who he could tell was giving him a weird look. 

    Shuichi’s inner voice made a noise that would have sounded like, “Hghhhhhh” if he were speaking out loud.

Was he in front of something again? Did he have something on his face?

    Okay maybe she wasn’t looking at him and he was just being weird.

    His gaze flitted up to momentarily take in the heavily makeuped face and he instantly found himself locking eyes with the very familiar dark purple irises of a complete stranger.

Shuichi did a double take as he realized that this was not, in fact, a young woman.

Wait, did he really know that? Maybe he had just assumed the thief was a guy. Shuichi squinted. How do you ask an internationally wanted thief their pronouns?

“What pronouns do you use?” Ah okay, like that. Thanks for nothing internal filter.

“His majesty/His imperial highness,” The thief replied automatically as if he already knew what Shuichi was going to ask them and had remarks prepared. “Rat/rat bastard are also acceptable.”

Shuichi took that to mean that the thief wouldn’t be offended if he referred to him with masculine terms. Ugh, wait what where was his head at right now? 

Shuichi began to maneuver around the vase to apprehend him, but as he moved the thief moved at the same time, so it ended up looking like they were playing ring around the rosey with the vase display.

Shuichi stopped. The thief stopped too. 

He started going around the other direction. So did he.

They stopped again.

While maintaining eye contact, Shuichi attempted to discreetly move his hand into his pocket so that he could text Rantarou that a robbery was definitely happening right now. He had gotten pretty good at typing on his phone without looking, but as he slipped his hands in his pocket the thief’s eyes followed.

If he considered that Shuichi might have been reaching for a weapon, he sure didn’t look it. The man’s posture was relaxed and as he watched the grin on his face widened impossibly.

“Is that a phone in your pocket that you’re using to discreetly notify the authorities of my presence, or are you just happy to see me?”

Uh.

Shuichi sent the text -- he had managed to type out a simple “HELP” to his most recent contact, which was probably Rantarou -- and quickly pulled his hands out of his pocket. He maneuvered them instead into a placating gesture, glancing around at the trickle of visitors wandering through the exhibits around them.

“I… Don’t want to cause any unnecessary alarm…” Shuichi started to say as he tried to think of any way to de-escalate this conversation.

“Oh, trust me,” The thief began in an earnest tone that Shuichi definitely knew not to trust. “Neither do I.” 

Suddenly, the glass case lifted up and Shuichi realized the thief had somehow managed to pick the display case lock during their impromptu round of ring around the rosey. Which hopefully set off an alarm of some sort?

Yet as Shuichi glanced around he couldn’t spot any form of security in between tourists, none of whom seemed to see what was happening. Or maybe it didn’t register as suspicious to them? 

It certainly registered suspicious to Shuichi, who was now looking directly at the thief’s heavily makeuped face. He didn’t look anything like the first time Shuichi saw him, except for the facial expression that seemed to indicate he could just decide to pull out a knife or jump off an airplane at any moment. Shuichi had only a moment to connect this expression to that of the black and white cat that kept knocking over the potted plants on Kaito and Maki’s balcony before the thief’s hand was raised and already coming down on the ancient vase. The priceless artifact took a nosedive off its display pedestal, and Shuichi dove to catch it. 

Thankfully, Shuichi managed to grab the vase out of the air in the nick of time, just careful enough to prevent it from shattering into a million pieces on the floor. Not so thankfully, Shuichi was the one who fell on the floor instead. He hit the ground, but hey! At least the vase was fine! Then again the natural oils on his hands probably weren’t especially helpful in the grand scheme of the artifact’s preservation…

Shuichi moved to stand up, but froze as he realized that every eye on the room was on him. 

Uh. Okay. Time to. Not. Freak out about that. Yep. 

Oh shit oh shit oh shit they were all looking at him what if they thought he was-

Wait. Where did DICE go?

Shuichi heard a loud, sharp sound, and turned instinctively. He found that the thief had stepped behind him at some point, and had backed up to blend in with the rest of the crowd. As the sharp sound repeated, Shuichi came to the realization that the thief masquerading as a young girl had clapped. And now the man behind him was clapping to, and the woman behind him, and the lady behind her and almost instantaneously Shuichi came to the realization that the whole room was clapping, and that it was a distraction. As the clapping continued, the thief stood still as curious museumgoers pushed forward in the crowd to figure out what was going on in this corner of the display.

The thief was disappearing from view. Now was his chance.

In the brief instant Shuichi and the thief locked eyes, the detective saw his challenge. That it was not only a challenge, but a question. 

Will you drop everything to chase after me?

He had to make the decision now.

Shuichi chose to stand up to his full height and turned to place the vase safely back into the display case, closing it back up.

He wouldn’t make the same mistake he made in Reno, chasing after the man whose face he knew rather than keeping in mind the nine other just as capable operatives. He was starting to learn that DICE always seemed to take two steps ahead, and that if Shuichi wanted to do something it was most likely something that would benefit their plans. So he resisted the single-minded urge to chase the thief in to instead take the preventative measure of scanning the nearby displays for anyone trying to take advantage of the distracted crowd. 

He didn’t even watch as the thief disappeared into the crowd, and instead pulled out his phone. 

Rantarou had replied very helpfully to his “HELP” text with a carefully chosen one word reply. 

---

[Log of Text Messages from Shuichi Saihara’s Cellular Device]

From: Rantarou Amami

What

From: Me

Sorry

Don’t panic

But I am fairly certain that this museum has just been robbed

From: Rantarou Amami

...

what

    From: Me

    Uh

    It’s a lot to explain

        From: Rantarou Amami

    Just call me

    You were in a call with Rantarou Amami that lasted 38:56.04

     From: Rantarou Amami

    Hey is that interpol guy done yelling at you yet

        From: Me

    Oh geez

    Did you hear all that?

    From: Rantarou Amami

    I mean like

I got the gist of it

And the gist of it seemed to be

“Shuichi! Stop being such a good detective! You’re making me look bad!”

From: Me

Oh haha

I guess that was something along the general theme

I’m not really a better detective than him though

He’s just the kind of guy whose like 

RULES NEED TO BE FOLLOWED BECAUSE I DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY

But also I think his husband is like in a biker gang or something

From: Rantarou Amami

Come on Shuichi give yourself some more credit there

If you’re not a good detective that means that at best I’m an awful one

You found twelve missing people in one week who I had been searching for for five years

Also you literally just stopped a museum robbery

From: Me

Oh, sorry I don’t mean to be like weirdly self deprecating

But also I would contest the fact that I stopped a museum robbery with the evidence of the fact that the museum definitely still got robbed

From: Rantarou Amami

Yeah but like

The only part of the museum that didn’t get the carpets stolen from it was the room you were in

Which literally had the most valuable rug in the whole building in it

Like seriously even the carpet built into the floor of the gift shop was stolen

Also you saved that vase

One of the anthropologists here almost cried when he saw that girl push it over in the tape

From: Me

That is weird isn’t it

I think the rug being an actual exhibit might’ve been why DICE didn’t go for it

That’s not their typical MO

From: Rantarou Amami

Wow… that compliment dodge tho…

From: Me

Oh

uh

Sorry

From: Rantarou Amami

You’re good man

Hey do you need a ride back to the hotel

Shuichi?

Hello?

…

From: Me 

Oh sorry, I was doing some research 

I can get back to the hotel on my own

From: Rantarou Amami

Ok, cool

From: Rantarou Amami

Hey just checking in again, did you get back to your room okay?

From: Me

Oh, yes I’m here

Actually I was just about to text you too

I’m sorry to ask so much of you Amami

But could you possibly drop me off in Taipei on your way home tomorrow?

[one-of-us-blog]

The Unicorn and the Wasp (Doctor Who S04E07)

Today Jon is forced to watch and recap “The Unicorn and the Wasp”, the seventh episode of Doctor Who’s fourth series. Will this murder mystery entrance us with devious delights, or fall flat before it can reach the final act?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, I’m absolutely thrilled you had so much fun with “To Catch a Neighbor”! It’s one of my early favorites, and I enjoy it every time I watch it. Plus, in the first two seasons alone we’ve had guest appearances by Burt Reynolds, Mario Lopes AND George Clooney. Granted, Mario was a kid at the time, but still! Talk about a revolving door of beefcakes! I hope the rest of this season is as enjoyable for you as this one was, and I can’t wait for your next recap!

Now, let’s solve a very different sort of crime… MURDER!

Episode directed by Graeme Harper and written by Gareth Roberts

The TARDIS touches down outside of a fancy mansion smelling of lemonade, grass and a hint of mint. The Doctor takes a whiff and says this must be the 1920’s! Donna says the big, vintage car coming up the drive probably helped him form his opinion. Guests start pouring in; here’s Professor Peach, and here’s Reverend Golightly. Donna is feelin’ the 20’s vibe, and luckily she even brought her own flapper getup! Time for an outfit change in the TARDIS! Meanwhile, Professor Peach is snooping around the mansion’s library and has made a major discovery. Suddenly, the Professor isn’t alone anymore. Professor Peach is killed in the library with a lead pipe… a lead pipe wielded by a giant wasp!

Whaaaaat!!!

Onto the opening credits!

Donna’s finally changed and emerged from the TARDIS in her time-appropriate getup. The function is in full swing, and the hostess, Lady Clemency Eddison, arrives on the scene. Lady Eddison doesn’t know who the Doc or Donna (who’s sporting an absolutely fantastic 20’s accent) are, but a quick flash of the psychic paper takes care of that. Lady Eddison explains that she’s being so careful because the Unicorn, a notorious jewel thief, is on the loose. Colonel Hugh Curbishley and Roger Curbishley, Lady Eddison’s husband and son, respectively, arrive. The Colonel is wheelchair-bound following a bout on influenza and Roger is super duper gay. Robina Redmond, the crème of the socialite crop, arrives next, followed by Reverend Golightly. The Reverend shares  a story about handling some youths who broke into his church recently while Donna catches sight of Roger flirting with a footman. The guest of honor arrives: it’s Agatha Christie!

Donna and the Doctor are both smitten with Christie right away, but something seems amiss… Her husband, Mr. Christie, isn’t with the author, and she makes a decidedly pointed statement to Donna and the Doctor about not getting married. The Doc checks a nearby newspaper and sees the date; this is the day Agatha Christie disappears. Meanwhile, Miss Chandrakala, the housekeeper, discovers the Professor’s body in the library. Back at the party, the Doc spills some tea on A-Chris. At this point in time she’s just found out that her husband is having an affair. You wouldn’t know it from looking at her, obviously, because she’s a wealthy British socialite. One must carry on, after all, and Christie is putting on quite a show. However, at some point today Christie is going to just… like… vanish. Her car will be found tomorrow parked near a lake, but she won’t show up again until ten days later at a hotel in Harrogate. She’ll claim to have lost her memory, and she’ll never speak of the disappearance for the rest of her life. Donna realizes she and the Doc are about to have a front row seat to a real life history mystery, but just at that moment Miss Chandrakala runs out to announce the grisly discovery she made in the library.

The whole party rushes to the library to find Professor Peach very much not alive. Luckily his watch stopped just at the time of death, which tells everyone that he died at a quarter past four. The Doc looks over some nearby documents while Christie surreptitiously picks up an unnoticed bit of evidence. Donna can’t help but notice some similarities here; Agatha Christie, The Body in the Library, Professor Peach in the library with the lead pipe. It’s like someone got a hold of one of my fanfics and made it into an episode of Doctor Who! Christie says someone should call the police, but the Doc whips out the psychic papers again and announces himself as Chief Inspector Smith from Scotland Yard. Donna is, of course, the plucky young girl who helps the Chief Inspector solve his cases. The Doc orders everyone into the sitting room, where he’ll question them all in turn.

Alone with the Doctor and the body, Donna wants to know why they aren’t calling the actual popo. The Doc says any real constabulary would just get in the way, especially since he just uncovered some undeniably alien goo from the crime scene. It’s morphic residue, and it definitely doesn’t belong in the year 1926. One of the people currently in the house is both an alien… and a murderer! Donna’s still caught up in the glamour of it all; they’re in the middle of a murder mystery with Agatha Christie right in the other room! I mean, what are the odds? Christie wasn’t an old-timey J.B. Fletcher shadowed by murder and mayhem at every turn, and this thing didn’t happen to her in her day-to-day. That would be like Charles Dickens actually running into some ghosts! (see my “The Unquiet Dead” recap for more information on that subject)

Donna and the Doc move out to interview the suspects, passing Christie on the way. Donna inadvertently gives the author the idea for Murder on the Orient Express (and promptly tries to steal credit for the idea) and the Doctor sends her off to look for clues while he works with Christie. The Doctor’s a little too excited about all of this for Christie’s liking; a man has died, and this isn’t a game to her. She does agree to help the Doctor with his interviews, though, starting with Reverend Golightly. He claims to have been unpacking in his room at quarter past four, with the Lord as his only alibi. Next is Roger, who claims to have been taking a ‘constitutional’ behind the house at the time. When I say ‘constitutional’, I obviously mean dicking down with his boyfriend, Davenport the footman. Next, Robina Redford claims to have gone to the toilet when she arrived and prepared herself (which involved removing a revolver from her purse). The Colonel claims to have been reading some military memoirs in his study, but really he was just looking at old-timey smut. Finally, Lady Eddison herself is interviewed. She was sitting in the blue room taking afternoon tea, which entailed taking a helluva swig from her personal stash of hooch. She then went to the lawn, where she ran into the Doctor.

In short, none of the suspects have provided a solid alibi (keep in mind, Roger actually has an alibi in Davenport, in addition to an appendage or two, but he can’t exactly use that in his defense). Christie says they’ll just have to use their little grey cells and focus on motive. Christie points out that the Doc missed a clue in the library, but he points out that he knew she snatched up that bit of evidence. She shares it with him, but it’s only a charred bit of paper with what looks like the word ‘maiden’ on it. No real help there, so here’s hoping Donna’s found something.

Speaking of, our girl Friday is snooping around when she comes across a locked room. Greeves, the butler, informs her that Lady Eddison has commanded that this room always be locked, but Donna uses her fake Scotland Yard cred to get inside. Greeves claimed Lady Eddison contracted malaria after returning from a trip to India many years ago, and locked herself in this room for six months until she recovered. Since then, the room’s been locked up tight. Once inside, Donna sees that the room is essentially empty and Greeves says it’s been that way for forty years. Donna sends Greeves on his way and begins sleuthing around. She inspects a teddy bear, but then she’s distracted by the buzzing of what she thinks is a bee. She pulls back some curtains and sees… not a bee. It’s a giant wasp, which promptly comes crashing through the window. Donna’s able to refract some sunlight through her magnifying glass long enough to stun it and make a break for it, and runs right into the Doctor and Christie. Donna tries to explain what she saw, but Christie assumes she’s being hyperbolic about a lil ol’ bug. Donna points at the massive stinger jutting though the closed door, and the author begins to get the… wait for it… point.

The Doc goes into the room to investigate, but the wasp is gone. The Doc takes a sample of some goo from the broken stinger, and Christie’s a bit freaked out. I mean, there’s no such thing as giant wasps! And yet, here we be. In the kitchen, the staff is wondering who would’ve wanted to kill the Professor. Davenport mentions that the old man was always asking questions for his book, and Miss Chandrakala wonders if he asked about… something. She rushes off to find Lady Eddison, but before she can reach her mistress a gargoyle is knocked off the roof and crushes her. Donna, Christie and the Doc arrive just in time for her to mutter something about a poor, little child before she dies. The telltale buzzing of the wasp is heard overhead, and it’s waiting for the crew once they rush upstairs to meet it. They barely avoid its stinger attack, and Donna scares it away with her magnifying glass of doom. It flies into a hallway and out of sight, and when the Doctor calls for it all of the suspects emerge from their rooms.

The suspects are all gathered back in the sitting room, and Lady Eddison is clearly devastated by the loss of Miss Chandrakala. The Doctor asks about the child Miss Chandrakala mentioned, but the Colonel points out that there haven’t been any children around here in years and, given that his son’s a poof, there probably won’t ever be. All eyes turn to Christie, as they’re sure she can solve the mystery. Donna points out again that this is exactly like a murder out of one of Christie’s novels, but Christie just doesn’t know what’s going on. She feels like a failure, and says the Doctor is probably the only one who can help them. Christie goes outside to feel bad about herself, but Donna’s hot on her heels to cheer her up. Christie knows the murders are like something she’d come up with, and she feels like the killer is mocking her. She’s already been mocked enough because of her husband’s affair, and now this?

Donna tries to bond over her own relationship troubles, and how she overcame them. Christie only takes this to mean that her husband’s affair is now common gossip, and begins to feel even worse about herself. Donna tells her that people genuinely love her books and that they’re going to be read for years and years to come. Christie doesn’t quite buy that, and assumes her books will never be thought of as great literature. In the process of this pity party, however, she notices something amiss in a nearby flowerbed. She discovers a hidden black case, inside of which are professional thief tools. Christie assumes these are the tools of the Unicorn, the master thief currently terrorizing high society. Greeves arrives with some refreshments, and after he buttles away the Doc says he’s figured out that the alien goo came from a Vespiform. They come from hives in the Silfrax Galaxy, but now one’s on Earth and it’s behaving like a character in one of Christie’s novels.

Donna inadvertently gives Christie the idea for Miss Marple, and again steals credit, but the Doctor interrupts by announcing he’s been poisoned. Christie realizes he’s been slipped sparkling cyanide, and he has to rush to the kitchen to begin putting together a cure. The Doc can stimulate an enzyme to fight the poison, but Donna has to get the ingredients for him. The last ingredient is a shock to the system, so Donna promptly gives him a big kiss on the lips. This does the trick, and the Doc expels the poison. Christie and Donna are both shaken for different reasons, but the Doc’s moving on.

Later, at dinner, the Doc runs through the day’s events. The Professor murdered, then Miss Chandrakala, then an attempt on the Doctor’s life. The Doctor reveals he’s laced the soup with an insecticide to lure out the Vespiform, but suddenly the lights go out and the telltale buzzing is heard as lightning flashes. The giant wasp appears and once the lights are back on Lady Eddison’s precious Firestone necklace is gone and Roger is dead with a knife in his back.

Later, Donna finds out that the Firestone necklace was brought back from India by Lady Eddison and is practically priceless. The Doctor doesn’t get it; the Vespiform could have killed them all, but it’s obsessed with playing this game. Christie says murderers murder because they want something, and the Doctor realizes he’s been so focused on the wasp aspect of the killer that he hasn’t paid attention to the human motive. He says Christie is the expert on motives, and she begins to deprecate herself again. The Doctor says her detective stories are the best because she understands people. She’s had her heart broken and she’s learned how to fight. She knows what makes people tick, and how a person can become a killer. Spurred on by the Doctor’s praise, Christie’s ready to put her skills to the test. The surviving suspects are all gathered together, and Donna and the Doctor sit back with some snacks to watch Christie work her magic.

She begins by pointing out that this entire house is full of secrets, and she’s going to lay them all out. First: Robina Redmond. No one here knows her, and she doesn’t know them. Christie says Redford is an impostor, and Donna realizes that if she were really from high society she would have said she’d gone to the loo while giving her alibi instead of saying she’d gone to the toilet. Also, the thief’s tools were found right beneath the bathroom window. Redmond heard Donna scream while being attacked by the Vespiform and panicked, disposing of her tools to hide the fact that she’s the Unicorn. She came here under false pretenses to steal the Firestone, which she did. Now that she’s been caught she returns the jewel, but she denies being the murderer.

Next: The Colonel. Before Christie can even begin to expose him, he stands up from his wheelchair and reveals that he never lost the use of his legs. He lied about it in order to make sure Lady Eddison didn’t leave him. This is a surprise to everyone, including Christie, who was going to announce that the Colonel was an innocent party in all of this.

Next: Lady Eddison herself. She brought the Firestone home from India, before she’d met the Colonel. She hid herself away for six months, but not because she contracted malaria. She got pregnant in India, and, unable to bear the shame of being an unwed mother, hid the truth from everyone but the confidante, Miss Chandrakala, she brought with her from India. Lady Eddison confesses that she gave the baby away after he was born in order to avoid scandal.

Now it’s time for the Doctor to step in. He knows Lady Eddison’s Indian lover was no ordinary man. All those years ago, she saw a falling star crash to Earth. The next day she met her lover, who was unlike anyone she’d ever met. She gave all of herself to him, and in return he revealed himself as Vespiform to her. She loved him enough that she didn’t care what he looked like, but a monsoon struck soon after and he was killed in a flood. Before he died he gave her the Firestone as a parting gift, and she’s kept it with her ever since. After the half Vespiform/half human child was born he was taken to an orphanage by Miss Chandrakala. Professor Peach had worked it out, and that was what Miss Chandrakala was running to warn Lady Eddison about.

The Doctor points out, as dramatically as possible, that Donna was right all along; this entire thing is playing out like a mystery from one of Christie’s books. Lady Eddison is Christie’s biggest fan, and last Thursday she was pouring over her favorite Christie Misterie. What else happened last Thursday? Reverend Golightly’s church was vandalized, as he mentioned on the lawn this morning. He managed to handle both of the hooligans, despite being one single man of God. He’s also about 40 years old and was raised in an orphanage. When he caught the thieves in his church, he became truly angry for the first time in his life. His rage unlocked his Vespiform genetic code, and he transformed into the giant wasp. Enter the Firestone; it’s actually a Vespiform telepathic recorder. It’s part of Golightly, and impacts how he thinks. When he activated his true self, the Firestone activated as well, and when it did Lady Eddison was balls deep in one of Christie’s books and loving every word she read. Christie’s fictional world became part of how he thought, and he began to act out her murder plots.

Golightly initially denies the accusations, but he becomes angry and begins buzzing. He admits that he wanted everything he’d been denied, and then threatens to kill everyone around him. Lady Eddison tries to embrace her lost child, but Christie’s able to distract it by running off with the Firestone. Golightly pursues her in her car; the Doctor tries to stop her, but she says this is all due to her books and she must take responsibility for it. Donna and the Doctor pursue her in a car of their own as she leads Golightly towards a nearby lake. The Doctor tries to reason with Golightly, but Donna simply throws the Firestone into the lake. Golightly blindly follows it, drowning himself in the process. The Doctor is appalled, but Donna is unapologetic.

Suddenly, Christie doubles over in pain. The Firestone is linking Golightly to Christie’s thought patterns, and as he’s dying he’s taking her with him. At the last second, he chooses to let her live instead. Ten days later, Donna and the Doctor drop her off at the hotel she’s meant to be found in after her bit of lost time. No one from the party will discuss what happened in order to avoid scandal. Christie will never really remember what happened that night, but the Doctor says part of her didn’t forget. She ended up writing a book called Death in the Clouds, involving a giant wasp. The book is still being read and published in the year 5,000,000,000, and the Doc says people never stop loving Christie’s books.

With the murder mystery wrapped up, Donna and the Doctor head off for their next adventure.

The End

~~~~~

I’ll be transparent here, I’m a bitch for a murder mystery. There was definitely a lot of cheese here, but I honestly loved this episode. I thought the actress playing Christie was fantastic, and I loved how all the clues came together at the end. This was so much fun for me, and I felt like Donna and the Doctor were both in top form.

If I’m being totally objective this one doesn’t deserve a perfect score, but, dammit, this is my party and I’ll rate how I want to. I give “The Unicorn and the Wasp” QQQQQ on the Five Q Scale.

We’ll see you again on Tuesday when Eli will have a sweet treat with the next episode of The Golden Girls, “A Piece of Cake”, and then on Wednesday I’ll be back to recap the next episode of Doctor Who: “Silence in the Library”.

Until then, thanks for reading, thanks for sleuthing and thanks for being One of Us!