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hillerskalibrary · 1 year ago

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Event poll results!

(summary version)

So last week I opened a poll to check what kind of YR fandom events you guys wanted to see and the respondents were... how shall I put it... "very excited" is most applicable I think? ;)

Because I'm a nerd who likes to analyze the results but also doesn't want to chase her entire following away, I'm going to make two result posts:

This post, where I will summarize the results as succint as I can, and address some of the remarks and suggestions that I received. I'll also make a conclusion on what I would suggest to do - feedback on that is certainly welcome!

A second post (which I'll link when I finish it, most likely tomorrow or even after cause I'm slow as fuck) with some more graphs, percentages, observations, cause I don't know shit about statistics but that won't stop me from having fun with it!

Fair warning - it's pretty long. I just find it easier to explain a little about the decisions I'm (not) taking, both to invite discussion and because I don't want this to be a black box blog that does whatever and you never know why. That being said...

Ready? Let's go!

RESULTS

I received 72 responses, 36 writers and 36 readers.

The top 3 most wanted events by READERS is: Big Bang (89%), Theme Week (86%), and Weekly Challenges (83%). The event they were least excited about is Author Interviews (56%).

The top 3 events writers most want to PARTICIPATE in is, in order: Author Interviews (69%), Theme Week (64%), and Fic Exchange (61%). The events they DO NOT want to participate in are Author Interviews (25%), very closely followed by Big Bang and Advent (both 22%).

READERS were (very) slightly more excited about a Wilmon theme week rather than a general YR week. WRITERS clearly preferred a general YR week. For both groups, a YR women week comes in third, and rarepair week is fourth.

All types of weekly writing challenges suggested scored similarly.

(I know some of these seem contradictory, which I why I'll make the second post explaining how I calculated these rankings and why -for example- Author Interviews are both the most AND the least popular event for writers ;) )

SUGGESTIONS

A lot of people wrote in suggestions, which I was SUPER happy about (I closed the form now but if you have any more, please just hit my inbox or DM me at @hilliska). A few people also offered to help, which I'm definitely gonna hold you to when decisions are starting to get made! ;)

Many people were excited about possible collabs between writers and artists.

"What about a "finish your draft/wip" or "write a new chapter on a wip". I have so many languishing WIPs…" I think this is an EXCELLENT idea tbh - though we could incorporate it in the big bang by allowing wips as well. Also, as an FYI, there is also a (non-fandom-specific) Finish Your Shit-Big Bang that takes place every year (though this year's round is close to posting already) ;).

"I’d also love to see more Podfic in this fandom, but I don’t know how that could be an event." I have zero experience with podfic but this does sound (ha!) like it could be fun. Maybe someone has experience with this from a different fandom? (honestly I'd love to experiment with this so hmu)

"Authors sign up to take one shot requests or readers get to write a prompt. Or if readers could submit or vote on prompts or something? Or readers submit a song and author writes a one shot based on a song. Something like that where readers can be involved too :)" We could also easily incoporate this in a big bang - do a prompt bang or a reverse bang (fic based on art) for example? Or maybe involve readers in the weekly challenges, by suggesting tropes/words/... ?

"Write a comment on a fic-week!" Yessss!!!! I am like... 95% sure there is a tumblr-wide event for this already but I can't for the life of me find it. So I could signal boost that or yeah, we could just pin a day ourselves :).

"Group chat/watch" I'm afraid I'm not the right person to organize this kind of thing, but if you've been thinking of doing this and you were afraid no one would be interested - this is your sign!! ;)

"live writing event" Same as above - though I do think there's some discords where this happens already?

"Some sort of collab, where authors get to write a fic together." This could definitely be fun! There is currently one that originated on Twitter called Unlabeled - I don't know all the writers but I recognize at least @yourdemiurge, @skydragon05, @1-life-to-give, and @in-amor-veritas. Which obviously doesn't help if you're a writer wanting to collab, but at least there's people with experience in this fandom ;).

"Maybe a poetry week?" I don't even write poetry but I'm obsessed with this suggestion. Could also be a writing challenge? Not sure about a whole week either, but there's World Poetry Day in March so maybe that can be a mini-event?

"Something not fic centered? Like fanart, edits, cosplay etc." This is one of those things that I'm throwing out there for other people to run with, maybe, because. Well, I'm a writer and I know fic, but I really don't know much about the rest... Which is not to say I don't want to (help) run anything like this because it definitely could be fun, but it's a little out of my wheelhouse. But maybe @youngroyalsfanartarchive can help or knows people who would?

And now what??

Consider the below not as a definitive list but as a stream-of-consciousness conversation starters, so don't hesitate to send me your thoughts.

I will definitely do a Big Bang. Prompt-based or art-based or wip-based or something else remains to be decided, but this will happen. It will not happen NOW, however, because we don't know when season 3 will air. Big Bangs are big events, they ask a lot from writers, and if the s3 premiers at any time between signups and publications, it's going to make everything more difficult. But there was sufficient interest by writers to participate, so once we got a s3 date I want to put a timeline on this.

I'm talking with people about a possible YR women's week. The general/Wilmon week scored higher in the polls, but since we already had that in spring I'd like to switch it up a little.

I would like to do *something* for the anniversary of s2. Don't want to go regular theme week for this because of the above possibility, but maybe the not-fic-centered event could be good for this - we could do favorite episode/favorite non-wilmon character/... which are things that non-content-creators can also participate in by writing a short paragraph, reblogging gifsets/art of that episode/character, ... "Finish your wip" would also be a good one for this though :)

The people behind the 2023 Secret Santa will not organize one this year, but I don't really want to jump in that, necessarily, because there's enough other possibilities and they might be back. But a Valentine fic exchange could maybe work?

The advent calendar idea drew mixed reactions (maybe because it's less well known?) and while I do think it could be fun, there's enough other things that people are excited about, so I'm putting it in the freezer for now.

The weekly challenges also drew mixed reactions - both readers and writers were excited to see them happen, but only a third of writers said they would definitely/probably participate. Then again, half of them said they would POSSIBLY participate. Maybe because it's an ongoing thing, so they don't want to promise they'd participate EACH WEEK but only sometimes? So I'm not sure about this (also because it would significantly up the time required to maintain the blog). So I'd love more feedback on this to see which shape or form you guys would like this to take.

Fic recs scored solidly in the middle of the possibilities for both reader and writers. I wanted to include it because I was curious, but I'm a little hesitant to really do something with it, mostly because it often ends up being a popularity contest and. Well. We already know how to sort by kudos/comments on AO3. So I'm curious to hear other people's experiences on how to maybe circumvent that.

The Author Interviews were the most contested event - even (or rather *especially* among writers (and I secretly think it's hilarious the most wanted event by writers is the one that doesn't require them to write at all :D). I do think it could be fun (though I admit this is a format mostly geared towards writers) to help other writers to find other people to collaborate with, find betas, learn about different writing processes, ... And a self-rec feature would allow for fic recs without the popularity factor. So I'll most likely run this as a (bi-)weekly feature alongside the other events.

#young royals #library managment #this took me way too long jc #I promise there will be graphs but it'll be later. okay? ;)#and again this is a conversation starter #please let me know what you think

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 2 years ago

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Hey Momdad. I hope you're doing okay! I'm struggling. With addiction. I've had tendencies for years, and then had some serious trauma, then more trauma, and it got worse. I'm working with a therapist on things like drinking less, but it's so hard to just exist with my feelings without taking something. And I feel like I'm doing so slowly... it's been over a year since I started this journey, and I'm still near the beginning. Anyway, whether you can answer or not, thank you!

hey there, sweetheart, i'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. it's not fair and it fucking sucks.

(just as an fyi, my autism can sort of make me have a difficult time answering messages that don't include a specific question to guide me in the direction of what kind of reply to give, so i'm just going to assume that what you're looking for is support and advice about addiction and trauma. hope that's a correct assumption 😊)

first of all, addiction in the aftermath of trauma is - sadly but realistically - completely and totally normal. i'm not any sort of expert and certainly not a scientist, but from what i've learned, addiction very, very commonly results when a person's reality is unbearable.

and that makes sense, doesn't it? it's not like addiction is fun, it's not like anyone enjoys having their life revolve around substance abuse. but when reality is too painful and overwhelming to bear, living creatures will pursue whatever escape is available to them. drinking doesn't make you happy, but it's better than the alternative, right? that's not weakness, that's just being a life form capable of experiencing suffering.

for a much better and more scientific explanation of what i just described, i'd like you to read this post from my addiction tag, because it's incredibly eye-opening and i think will help you reframe your situation.

now, having said that, i hope i'm not coming off as telling you that substance abuse is a-okay and you shouldn't try to get it under control, but i do think that it would help if you can a) better understand why this is such a problem for you, and b) have some compassion for yourself. shame is not a good motivator, so stop telling yourself you're doing a bad job and you should be doing better.

take a look at what you've been through and let yourself think, man, that fucking sucked. that was so fucking awful, and it still makes me feel fucking awful. of course i'm struggling. anyone would struggle after that. other people are struggling after going through the same thing. of course it's hard for me to live with that. of course it's hard for me to learn how to live with that. of course it's hard. of course it's taking time to heal from all that awful pain.

i know that it's frustrating that this is taking so long, but honestly, you are so much further ahead than so many other people. there are countless people who go their whole lives without ever addressing these problems. countless people who go decades. you are so much further ahead than you think you are, just by acknowledging that you have an addiction - hell, just acknowledging that you have trauma at all! so, so many people bury it deep deep down and pretend it doesn't exist, and pretend they don't have a problem.

you know you have a problem. you're seeing a therapist. you've been working on your addiction for an entire year without giving up. that is, genuinely, an incredible achievement. so many people will never do that.

addiction is not something you simply get over and move on from. it's something you're gonna have to deal with in one form or another for the rest of your life, because even if you've had it completely under control for years, you'll still have to be aware that you are always capable of relapsing. so i think it's honestly a good thing that this is taking time, that you're doing slow but steady work, because a quick and simple fix just isn't going to last long term.

i know it's discouraging to feel like you're seeing so few results, and it's so hard to see a future where you can live with your feelings and memories. i know it's hard not to feel like a failure or worse every time you take something or drink. it's hard and it's awful and none of it is fair.

but you're doing a good job, i promise you that you are, and you're so much stronger than you realize. that strength is going to take you farther than you know, and you will find your way. just keep taking the next step, okay? you're going to get there.

take care of yourself, darling.

#addiction #trauma #alcoholism tw #drugs tw #advice #long post for ts #anonymous #ask

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whateverthedragonswant · 3 years ago

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Bury Your Gays: Villanelle vs Lexa

I've now been checking out all of the Killing Eve finale reactions on YouTube and here on Tumblr. And there was one thing that kept popping up that just made me kind of go 'hmm'...

Fyi, this is just my personal opinion. If you don't like or you think it's going to upset you, please do not read.

Lexa was definitely a Bury Your Gays. Her death did not make sense within the story or for her character. While there were obvious reasons for the character to be written out due to circumstances going on bts, the way they wrote her out was terrible. She didn't need to die, and even if she did for " story reasons" (she didn't), it shouldn't have been done the way that it was. It should have been handled a lot better. Lexa was a Grounder, a warrior, and for her to die by a wayward gunshot meant for Clarke by one of her own lackeys -- that was just stupid. (and as we see, the caliber of writing only got worse from there) There were many other ways for that character to die that was worthy of her character and her story line, to the massive impact she had on Clarke's story and this alliance/interaction with the Sky People and the Grounders (alongside the story lines of Octavia, Lincoln, and Indra) that ends up heavily influencing and impacting the rest of the story of the series. They killed her that way because JRoth has a massive ego and is an idiot the writing got lazy and they thought it would be a shocking twist that 'oooo no one would see coming'. Yeah, no one saw it coming because it was stupid and made no sense, but I digress.

Moving on.

I don't think Villanelle was a Bury Your Gays and certainly not similar to what happened to Lexa. Villanelle's death (whether you agree with it or not) made sense within the story, for her character. While I don't necessarily agree with the show going the death route, those who have watched since season 1 I think always kind of knew that there was a possibility of Villanelle dying before the show was over, Eve dying, or both. Villanelle was an assassin and the organization she had been a part of was just eradicated. First Helene, then Konstantin, then the Twelve. It didn't surprise me that the last remnant of that organization was the last to go. (some may claim Pam was a part of the Twelve, too, but the show purposely chose her to end Konstantin and to turn down the job Carolyn offered her and walk away)

I guess my point is that ending was viable within Killing Eve's story line, within Villanelle's trajectory as a character, while Lexa's was not. That's the difference.

I admit, I was reluctant to check out any articles on the response to the finale at first, especially seeing Tumblr posts about Laura Neal's comments (yeah, sometimes I wonder if these showrunners are drinking the same water as the rest of us), but I'm so glad I read this one where Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer also chime in. (they're the two I care about tbh) I really agreed with their takes on their characters' endings and I respect the hell out of them.

I will say, I'm so glad they didn't have Eve dying and Villanelle surviving because that to me would not have made sense. Realistic if they both took on the Twelve, but definitely more tragic, and would have made me wonder what the whole point of Eve's story was. To me, this end result makes way more sense.

Do I wish showverse!Villaneve got an HEA? Absolutely. But I also really like everything we were given and that nothing was wrapped up in a neat little bow. But I also like that not everything was left open-ended (other than Eve's question of moving on in her life). To me, that was the right semblance of tragedy that made sense with the show. But that's just my personal opinion.

I'm sorry for people who are hurting. I really am. I mean, GoT, SPN, The 100, Lexa, Dean...trust me, I get it. My heart goes out to you all and I just know the fans are going to create some amazing masterpieces of fanfiction and fanart and fan videos while also some are now going to read the books (not giving away any spoilers but they are not the same, I will just say that). And I hope that all of that can ease some of the pain. <3

#villanelle #killing eve #killingeveposts #killing eve finale #when compared to lexa #lexa

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michelemoutons · 4 years ago

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and at last, the post that maybe three people maximum have been waiting for...

em's comfort retro rally videos: a masterlist!

in a much-needed return to this blog's roots, and as an antidote to all motorsport- and life-related chaos, i now present to you: the first edition of em's favorite retro rally videos!

general disclaimer/info: these videos mainly come from the group B era of the world rally championship (wrc), which generally speaking was in the '80s. i am only human, so expect a lot of bias toward my personal favorites...which will become very apparent as you read this list hehe. also i'm not even gonna pretend to be an expert on this or anything. a lot of these are literally just based on Vibes

table of contents

i. my top 5 rally coverage videos

mainly coverage for television, recorded on VHS and uploaded to YouTube by some truly incredible people

ii. honorable mentions

not rally coverage, but retro rally videos nevertheless

often documentaries, mini-doc features, interviews

for all videos, i have indicated the language (most are in english fyi); if any links fail or videos disappear, send me an ask or DM and i'll remove the culprit/find an alternative link.

and now, onward!

(TW for occasional flash photography in many of the night sequences of the videos, as well as a gif included in this post)

i. my top 5 rally coverage videos

in which my bias toward audi sport, mouton/pons, mikkola, toivonen, and vatanen are put on blast for all to see 🥴 i am not an expert in anything i am just very good at research and a whore for aud—[SNIPED]. for the sake of brevity, i narrowed my favorites down to 5. maybe another time i will share all the rest!

also, a general note about the commentary: sometimes, the commentary around michèle and fabrizia can get... weird. keep in mind, they were the most prominent female team partnership around that time, and the first to nearly clinch a wrc wdc, and to modern ears, the commentators really didn't know how to act around them. personally, it wasn't horrible for me, i just ignored the weirder bits, but i understand if others might find it off-putting. also for the sake of your sanity don't read the comments.

5. Rally of the 1000 Lakes, 1984 | finland

link: overall coverage (eng)

podium: vatanen/alén/toivonen (full final results)

comments: this was definitely a rally for most of audi sport's drivers to forget: bar stig blomqvist, who came quite close to the podium finishers with a 4:14:01 to henri toivonen's 4:12:57! both hannu mikkola and michèle mouton had to retire from the race, which may lead you to wonder: why does this rank among my favorites? well, it's always fun to watch group b rally cars sailing through the air against picturesque scenery, and this video also contains an intriguing (at least for me!) look at the scrutineering process, with drivers at their most casual.

owie :( they were fine though!

4. Lombard RAC Rally, 1981 | britain

link: overall coverage (eng)

podium: mikkola/vatanen/blomqvist (full final results)

comments: hannu winning by 11 whole minutes even after rolling his car in the middle of the forest is actual legend behavior! anyway this was michèle's first wrc outing in britain, and even though she and fabrizia had to retire, they still did quite well, consistently running high in the leaderboards after the first few stages. and that's considering the fact that michèle had a bad cold for much of the rally and had to ask fabrizia to drive the car to service park for her at one point bc she was so tired. which fabrizia did... with a pencil in her mouth. lot of big names in one video—also, jean todt makes an appearance as a co-driver!

shamelessly poached off of one of my text post edits

3. Marlboro Safari Rally, 1983 | kenya

link: overall coverage (eng)

podium: vatanen/mikkola/mouton (full final results)

comments: ok can i just say how stunning the video presentation is?? the opening sequence is just!!! the shots of the wildlife! the sprinting giraffes! wow! anyway the visual of drivers in deck chairs just tickles me for no reason, and michèle please tell me what you ask for at the hairdresser's and also where you got that orange blouse (this is obviously not just specific to this rally, she always eats and leaves no crumbs). this was michèle's first entry and only finish in kenya (and of course it was a podium mwah). it was also her last wrc entry in the A1 quattro, as she switched to the A2 for the rest of her program in the '83 season. also this is one of my favorite podium pictures ever.

lksdjffnnkd there's almost too much to unpack... fabrizia somehow surviving in high waist jeans in a hot car... michèle's do-it-yourself shorts... this podium picture was the subject of a very frantic video chat conversation between myself and a friend at 2am a few months ago

2. Rallye de Portugal, 1982 | portugal

links: short recap (eng) | overall coverage 1, stuck in the middle of two other rallies. timestamps in descrip. (eng) | overall coverage 2, very vibey with cool music (ita... also peep walter röhrl speaking italian)

podium: mouton/eklund/wittmann (full final results)

comments: GOD I LOVE THIS ONE SO MUCH AAAA! michèle's first podium of '82 being a win? this rally being the one where there's footage of her going shopping with fabrizia afterward? (more on that later) them winning by 13 whole minutes? and that's not even considering THEE most poetic victory ceremony of all time! in fact let me talk about that bc the racing and the win aside, that's why it's so high up on my list! literally poetic cinema! it's night, they're standing on top of the car and floodlit and surrounded by cheering crowds but they may as well be the only ones there in their own little world, laughing at each other and barely even having to look to each other when they're raising their hands—like god! shut up! we get it you're besties 😭

i_just_think_theyre_neat.png

and now... last but certainly never least...

1. Lombard RAC Rally, 1982 | britain

link: overall coverage (eng)

podium: mikkola/mouton/toivonen (full final results)

comments: firstly, if you were to ask me about my dream podium, this would be it. hands down, across all series of motorsport, my comfort podium would be hannu, michèle, and henri in any order. (there's such a cute picture of them from this rally on pinterest, standing in order on a staircase. henri is not looking at the camera because he is laughing at something michèle is saying and it's such a Vibe but i cannot find it wah). the battle for second between michèle and henri ran down to literally the last stage, and their times are separated by seconds, which is just wild to me. the context of this rally deserves another post, which i honestly don’t have the energy to make rn, but just take my word for it that it threatens to destroy me if i think about it too hard! anyway this is just such an awesome rally and i’ve watched this video so many times haha

i love this rally so much that i actually had a character in a story i was writing attend the ceremony captured in this picture as a small child and made it a formative moment in her life. no, there is nothing wrong with me.

ii. honorable mentions

(is it obvious who my faves are? yikes)

'Group B - Avec Michele Mouton' (eng) - taken from a longer feature presentation about group b, a segment specifically about michèle. a friend once described its vibes as ‘a synth wave edit of an 80s anime set in a cyberpunk world about racing’

'1983 Audi Sport National Rally with Michele Mouton' (eng) - in which michèle takes journalist sue baker as a co-driver for a spin in an A1 and a rally win. fun behind-the-scenes video

'Intervista a Fabrizia Pons, la Regina delle Note' 1, 2, 3 (ita) - very thorough interview which is mostly fabrizia telling all sorts of stories, including the very entertaining story of how she found out she was going to be michèle’s co-driver. also what a badass title

'2008 Otago International Classic Rally' (eng) - THE BESTIES REUNITE THE BESTIES REUNITE!!! michèle and fabrizia reunite for a rally that fabrizia convinced michèle to join, they suffer some problems but there are plenty of wholesome bestie moments to be had

'Michele Mouton hurls Group B Audi Quattro up Goodwood hill' (eng) - i mean, self explanatory. the sound of the chirping tires? asmr could never. very short watch if you want a quick pick-me-up

'1990 Louise Aitken-Walker feature' (eng) - a video featuring a female rally driver from scotland and her point-scoring run at the rallye monte -carlo. i am convinced that louise was john finnemore’s inspiration or at least an influence for the character of linda fairbairn. no my hat is not made of tin foil what are you talking about

hannu rocketing around michigan back in 2017 (eng)

hannu flying around goodwood in 2015 (eng)

sometimes i listen to fabrizia's recent onboards (yes, she's still at it!) and this one is one of my favorites, from 2016 (ita)

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giantkillerjack · 2 years ago

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Yeah bro sounds like you're autistic as fuck!

Please have this alpaca #Squad gif that I send to every person I encounter who is figuring out they are autistic! One of my friends sent it to me when I figured it out for myself, and it meant a lot to me.

So before I say anything else, I want to affirm that self-diagnosis is absolutely just as valid as an official medical diagnosis from a doctor, and anyone who tells you otherwise is being extremely ignorant of the state of mental health care in many parts of the world. - In America, the majority of autism care involves abusing autistic children (ABA therapy, etc), or otherwise trying to "cure" autism (which is not possible and only causes harm). And that's before we get into how hard it is to access and afford doctors in the first place, especially for Black Americans and members of other already-marginalized groups seeking healthcare professionals that won't traumatize them.

I think it was very smart of you to make this post, because I truly believe that a group of autistic people is more likely to give you an accurate diagnosis than a group of allistic doctors.

And in my experience, every time I've heard someone be as close to being sure they are autistic as you seem to be, they have turned out to be autistic.

So let me validate for you that if you think you are autistic, then you are probably autistic. And if you say you are, then I will take you at your word, and thus I welcome you with open arms to this community and this label/identity!

And just fyi, if you genuinely think you are autistic, and then you find out later that you were wrong, well guess what! You've hurt no one in your honest search for help and understanding! I'd much rather you have access to support and community than you NOT have those things for fear of, idk, receiving much-needed support and advice under a label that later turns out not to suit you. Impostor syndrome about being autistic seems to be a step for almost everyone who is diagnosed outside of childhood. I feel you belong here. And if you feel that too with all the evidence you just listed, that is more than enough and also you are ultimately the expert on your own experience.

Everything you said sounds like the definition of autism, and so I have good news and I have bad news:

Bad news first: as a culture, we do not know what autism looks like without trauma. This is one reason why sometimes it can be hard to diagnose - so many of the symptoms we associate with autism are actually just symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Growing up autistic without the support you need in a society that is not meant for you is traumatic, and so basically all of us have complex PTSD. Which is like regular PTSD, but... worse and harder to treat, since it is not the result of a single traumatic experience but rather it is caused by repeated sustained trauma that takes place over the course of months or years.

If you can find a therapist with autism, I highly, highly recommend it. But since that is a pretty tall order, be sure to at least avoid medical professionals that support the hate group Autism Speaks, and run away from anyone who supports ABA therapy for children. Because you almost certainly have cptsd, and you don't deserve the pain and self-hatred that comes with untreated or poorly-treated trauma. But please at least know that the really negative thoughts you have about yourself are not a function of logic and fact, but rather an involuntary function of psychological damage, and that is not your fault, and it CAN get better.

Another good thing to know is that autistics and other people who have spent a lot of their lives with their guard constantly up often develop fibromyalgia or other types of chronic pain. This is something that a lot of doctors don't seem to know, and something you should keep in mind. This is also another reason why it is so important try and seek safe treatment for your mental illness and to, over time, try and learn to relax your body and to live openly as yourself. Doing so can reduce the likeliness that you will develop chronic pain from the stress. Unmasking after a life of being forced to mask is a skill that takes time and practice, but it is a very rewarding practice.

However, if you do develop (or already have developed) chronic pain like I did, then your life is not over and you are not alone in this. Disability can be managed and accommodated, even if it can't generally be cured, and a full, happy life is still very much possible.

(Autism is also a disability, and it is disabling in different ways for different people - either inherently or due to lack of social supports. It isn't a matter of "low-functioning" vs "high-functioning", but rather a matter of how much support someone requires to meet their needs. And it is absolutely possible to lead a wonderful life and be autistic, and I wouldn't want to be cured even if it was possible.)

And now some probably much-needed good news: Being autistic is good, actually. As in, that uncontrollable urge to react with movement and joy when a special interest comes up in conversation - the one that you described as really abnormal? That's actually normal for autistics! and it is something that allistics don't get to have. At least not in the same way. That big, bright, beautiful, all-encompassing, soul-bursting joy in an everyday event is indicative of the truth about autistics, which is that the more we are allowed to be ourselves, the more unedited, unrepressed wonder we can feel and share from our souls.

We are meant to be allowed to twitch and fidget and regulate through stimming, and since this sort of thing was cruelly stamped out of most of us from a young age, coming to understand that we are autistic and then seeking out the words and experiences of others like us allow us to start reconnecting with a version of us that doesn't feel SUPER FUCKING STRESSED ALL THE TIME. Or, rather, for many of us, to create that version of ourselves for the very first time.

So much of what I love about myself is profoundly autistic: the way I've learned how to make people feel safe, the way I can teach myself most anything if i love it enough, the way I fall in love with people with every vibrant molecule of my being, the deep sense of justice I feel, the drive to care for people and creatures that need help. My patience. My talents. When I listen to music, I see gorgeous music videos in my head! I see color and movement and emotion brought to life! What a gift!!! Without my autism, i would never have been driven to become a skilled artist or a meaningful storyteller. I wouldn't have attracted my wonderful autistic wife with whom I discuss our mutual special interests for hours and hours every day! Autism gives my life such warmth and color. Me without autism isn't me.

And now even MORE good news: Other autistics make awesome friends and romantic partners. We are all individuals, so obviously there's no guarantee. But guess who's not gonna be a dick about autistic sensory needs or not making eye contact or being asked to change their behavior to make you feel safer and more comfortable? Autistics, bay-bee!!!!

Guess what folks have the potential to intensely and enthusiastically bond together like a couple of hyperfixated magnets who unabashedly love something?? FOLKS WITH A TOUCH OF THE 'TISM, THAT'S WHO.

You have likely been made to feel unwanted, difficult to befriend perhaps - and this was cruel and unjust. So much of what people harshly and unfairly judge are just harmless idiosyncrasies or disabled needs.

Talking too loud and then someone tells you to "shut the fuck up for once"? Actually, THEY'RE the asshole here, and they are exploiting the fact that you won't be sure of social protocols to exert social power over you, and that makes them EXTREMELY FUCKING LAME. When I am shouting while I speak without realizing it, my autistic wife just says, "Jack, you're shouting," and I go "woops!" And keep talking but a little quieter.

I have found that knowing I am autistic helps me to advocate for myself because I am better able to tell when someone is being unfair to me. (It is shocking to me how many things I used to hate myself for were just... absolutely harmless instances of awkwardness or confusion. I was weird! I was kind! I am still both of those things! And it turns out only the kindness ever actually mattered!)

But also what helps is having people in my life that treat me right and respect my boundaries. People who make me feel Good about being who I am.

There are times in our lives, especially if we are not in control of our own schedules and finances, where those kind and helpful people might be difficult or even impossible to find. That is not your fault, any more than it was mine.

But it is vital to remember during those times that these people DO exist, that they are worth looking for, and that our earnest love and kind friendship is a goddamn treasure that anyone would be lucky to have. And someday, you'll meet some of the millions and millions of people who can understand this. You deserve that.

In the meantime, do anything and everything you can to reduce your stress.

So, uhhhhhhh, yeah. Welcome to the squad!!!

Okay so I need people are who are diagnosed as autistic to help me out here

I been suspecting for a long time (like around a year, maybe more idk) than I might be autistic, and I did research (genuinely, not just taking some Internet quiz and self-diagnosing based on it) and I want to know if there’s a genuine chance I might be autistic, or if I have a wrong view on autism (basically, if I’m wrong about it and what it means to be autistic).

Some things than happen to me than I’ve seen also happen to a big amount of autistic people

-Problems with food since very little. Not based on taste, but texture. Eating something with the wrong texture is just horrible.

-Always felt different from my peers, never quite fitting in because I didn’t know how to interact with them. As if they knew exactly what to do and I was just flying blind. I heard people say than they felt as if everyone was born with a book of rules, meanwhile they had to learn from watching everyone else already know them, and I think that’s the best way for me to explain it.

-Intense interests on stuff, really intense. Like, is all I can think about day and night, I relate everything to it in some way or another, I know everything about it down to the smallest detail, some might call me obsessed and I wouldn’t deny it. Reminds me of the way people with autism describe their hiperfixations.

-People thought I was “gifted” as a kid, and said than I was a kid with the mind of an adult. I’m no genius, I was just interested on different stuff than other kids. I was the first one to learn to read and I never stopped. I basically lived in the library as a kid. I have a vivid memory of when I must have been like 10 and saying than my favorite thing in the world was reading and some friends looking at me like I was crazy. I’m mentioning this not because people who are autistic are “gifted”, but more because I heard they are usually interested in different stuff than their peers (doesn’t have to be more mature, it can be more immature stuff too, I think. Goes hand in hand with feeling different from everyone). Continuing on books, I also always had a higher reading level than the rest of my class. I was “a pleasure to have in class but should speak out more” kid.

-Looking back they were obviously bullying me, but I thought than they were laughing with me, not at me.

-I can’t hear the tone of my voice?? For some reason?? Sometimes I speak too loudly or too quietly or my mom says I’m being rude for “talking back” but in my head my voice is the same level and uses the same tone. So if I’m ever rude I probably don’t notice (I hate being rude to people).

-I read about overstimulation and under stimulation and it perfectly described the way I feel a lot of time. Specially overstimulation.

-If talking about something I really enjoy (hiperfixations?) I can’t be still. I’ll probably smile and fidget with something and the mere mention of it or anything regarding it outside of online spaces makes me want to scream out of excitement. Like, a really abnormal reaction to it, I believe.

-I prefer to be home on my own than outside (specially if there’s lots of people around). I don’t know if it’s hard for me to see how people are feelings, given than I learnt to notice when people don’t want me somewhere (eventually you get used to it) but sometimes when people are being nice to me I’m completely unable to see if they’re being genuine or not. An example, I was forced to spend a week sharing a room with this pair of really popular girls because of a school trip, and they were nice to me, starting conversations and stuff. So because they seemed nice, I thought they were nice. But at the end of the week I approached them and they gave me the dirtiest look and I realize they weren’t actually being genuine, they were just kind of being forced to be nice to me.

-I hate changes of routine, everyday I have the same routine and if someone wants it to change (go somewhere and do something together) they have to tell me at least a day in advance. Unless I really like them, I will feel uneasy to change my routine because it makes me feel as if I was messing everything up.

-I don’t know if it has anything to do with this, but I’m adding it just in case. I hated physical touch as a kid. Up until some years ago, I couldn’t stand it. Also don’t know if it’s related, but I always had trouble sleeping, I heard that might be a symptom but I don’t know.

-I went to a speech therapist as a kid because I couldn’t pronounce the letter s and I pronounced it as z, sometimes it still comes out. I heard problems in speech might be related but I doubt it, just adding just in case.

-I have a big sense of justice. For example everyone in my class cheats on their exams (they don’t even hide it, ism ore, they brag about it), and that has always upset me. Not because they can copy while I actually study, but because cheating is wrong. That’s not how it works. Why are they breaking the rules. Or for example they bring their phones to school (not nearly as bad as cheating) which is forbidden, and I don’t understand why they do that. It’s forbidden, so why?

-I notice patterns in almost everything, I also focus more on the little details than the big picture, which leads to both overthinking but also better results.

-I need people to speak to me separately. Having a conversation with two people at the same time feels like a nightmare.

-I need people to tell me things, if they want me to do them. If you made something for me to eat, don’t just put it on the table, tell me it’s for me. Otherwise I won’t touch it out of fear it’s not mine. When given instructions, I need them to be clear and detailed. All people my age are doing stuff like going to parties, drinking alcohol, meanwhile I never think of doing it and also, never knew I could do it? When did the change between going to the park to hang out without our parents for the first time and going to a party with alcohol around lots of strangers happened? Why did no one told me? How do everyone just know when to change and grow up? Why don’t I?

-Something I also noticed is than every fictional character I related to had various autism symptoms (said by people on the fandoms who are actually autistic).

#original #autism #autistic pride #autism positivity #cptsd #fibromyalgia

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that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick · 4 years ago

Text

I've been so excited to write for the Mystic Messenger Reverse Big Bang 2021 (go check out other amazing fics and art in the collection at @mysme-rbb), and it's the first fanfic/art event I've participated in! @madiebelleadventures and I teamed up to brainstorm this beast, so her art is at the very end (because I ain't spoilin nothin)!

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

Summary: One day after the end of a work week, Vanderwood surprises MC with some husband-wife baking time—with a twist. Inspired by his agent training, he suggests that they bake as a team but have MC blindfolded. In order to make a cake that's actually edible, she must follow his directions to the letter. All that's left after that is chaos, banter, and spouse-flustering. And figuring out how to actually make a cake.

A/N: Fyi MC is definitely more of her own character than a reader-insert on this one. Also as per usual with me, I headcanon Vanderwood as British, so I tried heavily to align his phrasing accordingly, despite being an American myself. Enjoy seeing exactly how much fluff I can possibly cram into 5k words!

MC sighed happily at the feeling of the wind in her hair as she drove home from work one Friday evening. Windows down, jacket off, music blasting—the air itself felt like freedom. She had nothing against her job—in fact, she enjoyed it for the most part. She prided herself in a job well done, she liked being able to manage a team of her own, and the paycheck and benefits were good. Nothing extravagant, of course, but enough to comfortably support a couple newlyweds.

And that was the real reason MC nearly jumped out the door every day when everything wrapped up at the office. Who wouldn't, with a husband as unfairly hot as Vanderwood? Completely unfair how he could make leopard print and what was practically a mullet actually look attractive. Thank goodness his fashion sense had mellowed out over time, if only a little bit. With Vanderwood's past being what it was, they had mutually come to the conclusion that it would be best for their well-being if he stayed at their apartment during the day to keep the household running. He was very particular about how he cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry, and he handled their finances conscientiously and precisely. Admittedly, she did have to occasionally remind him that as sleek as that new top-of-the-line taser was, there was no real need for it, but that was just part of her husband's charm.

And boy, was he charming.

She truly couldn't wait to get home, past this rush hour traffic. She'd get home and be pulled in for a deep kiss moments after walking in the door. Maybe he'd slip a gentle but insistent hand into her hair. Maybe they'd take it a little further. Or a lot further.

"HOLY FUDGE NUGGETS ON BACON ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME???"

MC swerved to avoid a collision and waited for her heartbeat to settle down again. There was no freaking way she was going to die in some stupid car wreck before their date tonight. A surprise, he'd said. No matter how hard she'd tried to weasel more out of him, he wouldn’t bend. Darn agent training. Good thing it wouldn't be a surprise for much longer. Within minutes, the streets got smaller and quieter as she neared her apartment building. Another minute, and she flung open the apartment door and leapt on her husband.

MC's fantasies were soon replaced by an even better reality when Vanderwood's lips landed on hers. Kissing back enthusiastically, MC wrapped her arms around his middle so tight that a less sturdy man would be coughing for air. Vanderwood snatched her keys and purse and hung them by the doorway, never breaking his focus for a second. His kisses grew slower, but no less fervent, as he smoothed her wind-strewn hair. Eventually, their lips reluctantly parted, and MC broke the silence.

"How did I manage to snag the best kisser on earth on top of marrying the most insanely attractive man on earth?"

Vanderwood smirked. "Good taste, I guess." He kissed her once more soundly for good measure.

"Maybe. Will my insanely attractive husband tell me what our surprise date is now?"

"Perhaps."

"No perhapses! I've been dying waiting!"

"Very well. Start by changing your clothes, because I am not scrubbing stains out of your good work clothes."

"Do I otherwise have to wear anything in particular? That's not a lot to go off of."

"Doesn't matter to me. Now go change before I do the job myself."

"I wouldn't complain."

"This is not that kind of date! Go!"

"Fine, Sir Panties-in-a-bunch."

MC went to the bedroom and took stock of her clothing options. She had to choose something practical that could be easily washed, but she still wanted to look a little cute. After all, it was a date. It was a tough balance to strike. Eh, she could always stick an apron or an old shirt over it. She grabbed her oversized paint shirt just in case before snagging a light pink shirt. Now for the bottoms. She debated on a simple skirt, but decided to go for it. After all, if it didn't fit with Vanderwood's plans, he would tell her. MC changed quickly and weaved her hair into a side braid, slipping a tendril out on each side to frame her face. Mirror-MC nodded in approval. Time to see what on earth her husband had been planning.

She cracked open the door and peeked through before skipping over to Vanderwood, who had made himself comfortable on the couch. His amber eyes widened in interest.

"You have no business looking this pretty for a baking date."

MC grinned. "Ha! I did get it out of you! A baking date sounds cute. What made you think of that? Are you just really getting into the whole house husband gig?"

"It was my agent training, actually." Seeing the puzzled look on his wife's face, Vanderwood continued, "There's a bit of a twist to it, you see. I will hardly be doing any of the actual baking. You, my dear, on the other hand, will be completely blindfolded. You will have to follow my instructions explicitly, or else the result will be completely inedible."

"I still fail to see how the setup doesn't sound like 'that kind of date', but it sounds like fun! What does this have to do with your agent training, though?"

"Various exercises used similar techniques. Many times in the field, we had to follow orders to the letter with no questions asked if we wanted to make it out in one piece. We also did training to be able to operate blindly or in the dark if our vision was compromised. But none of it was as enjoyable as watching a beautiful woman bake a cake by pure trust."

"You're such a flatterer. Keep it coming," MC smirked.

"At least get into the kitchen first," Vanderwood said, handing her a blindfold that looked suspiciously like his nap mask.

"Okay, but if you don't want me in the kitchen until I'm blindfolded, you're gonna have to get my apron yourself."

"I thought I was the one giving out orders tonight?"

"A girl's gotta get her kicks somewhere."

"Such a docile wife I have. Never difficult, never demanding."

"You think it's sexy. Don't even try to deny it."

"I would have filed for immediate divorce if the description 'docile' actually fit you." He stepped into the kitchen and emerged a moment later with the apron. MC slipped it on and, after ducking briefly into the bathroom to wash her hands, covered her eyes with the blindfold.

"I'm at your mercy now. Don't abuse that privilege."

He materialized behind her, winding his arms around her waist. "I wouldn't dream of it," he murmured into her ear before attacking her stomach. MC burst into uncontrollable giggles.

"I swear—!" she giggled "—I swear I'm going to punch the living daylights out of you!"

"You're certainly welcome to try. You know I wouldn't even feel it."

"But I could try. How am I supposed to trust you to give me decent directions to bake whatever the heck we're making if I can't even trust you not to tickle me?"

"You don't. That's the thrill of it."

"You'd better have me make something actually edible for all our trouble."

"That all depends on how well you follow my instructions."

"And how decent your instructions are. Let's not forget that tiny detail," she reminded.

"Hmm, we'll see," The smile was evident in his voice. "Now if we're going to start, we need to go ahead and do it."

"Probably."

He guided MC by her upper arms into the narrow kitchen.

"Fortunately," he said, halting and holding her in place, "we're only baking a cake and not an entire meal, so it won't take an eternity."

"I sure hope not! It's pizza night and I'm already a little hungry!"

He wound his hands around his wife's waist, lightly patting her stomach. "Well, the faster we start, the faster we can eat. I've already laid everything out for you as best I can, so you just have to follow my directions, all right, love?"

"Got it."

"All right, can you feel the worktop?" A nod. "Raise your right hand just a bit...and over…now grab the box with the cake mix, because heaven knows neither of us knows or cares enough to make it from scratch. Got it? Now open it up. The mixing bowl is straight to the left. Go ahead and pour it in."

"Just so you know, if I spill anything, you're the one taking responsibility."

"And why is that, darling?" Vanderwood asked, feigning shock.

"Because you're the one who had this idea in the first place! Not to mention if I make a mess it’s because of your faulty directions."

Unfortunately, MC failed to prove her point, pouring the mix into the bowl and barely spilling a few crumbs.

"Looks like we may not have to worry about that," Vanderwood smirked.

"You have met me, right? You know something's going to get spilled, right?"

Ignoring her, he moved the empty box toward the back and continued, "The milk should be right around where the cake mix was, if you can remember where you just were. The measuring jug is right next to it. Do you think you can pour it in correctly?"

"We'll see, now won't we?"

"There you go. Just try to take it slowly, just in case, and stop when I say so."

MC obeyed, gradually tilting the milk jug until a thin stream hit the center of the measuring cup.

"Brilliant! Now careful, careful, slightly to the left...that's it! Now slow down...almost done...stop!" He kissed her cheek. "That was amazing. Now pour it into the bowl."

MC felt around for the mixing bowl again. She managed to find it and poured in the milk. "Where's the cap for the milk jug?"

"Hm...where did it go? Oh, there it is. Right by the sink."

She batted at the air around her right side to find the inside of the sink. Instead, her hand bumped the side of the milk jug. Vanderwood's hand shot out to catch it, but a small puddle had already sloshed onto the counter. MC's hand shot up to take off the blindfold, but Vanderwood caught her wrist first. She sighed.

"Vandy, give it to me straight. How bad is it?"

"Not bad at all. I caught it before much got out. Stay put for a moment while I wipe it up so it doesn't start to smell or dry up."

"Not to say I told you, but I definitely told you."

Her husband stuck out his tongue at her—one of the few ways he had begun to let himself be childish lately. Then the obvious dawned on him. "I'm sticking out my tongue. I thought you ought to know that."

"Crucial information. Are you done yet?"

"Yep. You ready to get your hands a little dirty?"

"Isn't that expected in all this?"

"That's probably a large part of why you demanded an apron first, yes."

"You would be right about that, also yes. And you're so dramatic. I did not demand."

"Up to interpretation. Reach up to the left of the mixing bowl and just grab it off the plate and toss it in."

As instructed, MC reached over and let out a tiny shriek when her hand came into contact with the soft butter. Vanderwood guffawed.

"I was waiting for that."

MC gasped. "You did this on purpose!" She flung the butter into the bowl with an extra dash of vindictiveness.

"Maybe so. I like hearing your reactions," he purred.

"Don't try to be all smooth when you're being a twit. It doesn't suit you," MC sniffed, then muttered under her breath, "actually it totally works for you but it doesn't make me less ticked at you."

"By the way, don't bother trying to wash your hands just yet. The next part is probably going to be the messiest. I'll go get the bin so it'll be close by for you."

"Appreciated. What's the next part?"

"Eggs."

"Yikes, okay. That's why I needed the trash can, then. And where are the eggs?"

"To your left. You're going to need four of them. I read somewhere that adding an extra egg makes it better, hypothetically."

"You're the one giving the instructions."

"Alright, the bin is to your left, whenever you're ready."

"I could hear the thunk when you set it down, but thank you," MC said wryly.

"I live to serve."

There was silence for a moment as MC cracked the first egg into the bowl, and a soft smile rose on her face like the dawn. "Not anymore, you don't. I thank God every day that you and Saeyoung were able to free yourselves from the agency. I never could have forgotten you even if you hadn't, but I never would have known the immense joy I've gotten to have by being your wife." She sniffed, then laughed. "Sorry for being so sentimental all of a sudden, I don't know what got into me. It's just that knowing how many things could have gotten between us makes me that much more grateful for what we have."

"Ah!" Vanderwood shot a hand out to correct the second egg's trajectory into the mixing bowl.

"Oops, thank you."

"No problem, love. We're a team." He settled against her back, rubbing her arms lightly and placing a tender kiss on her cheek. "And never feel sorry for your so-called sentimentality. In fact, I really think you hold back sometimes. You shouldn't. I know that I used to scoff at these things, but locking out your emotions for job after job really takes a toll on a man. The agency had no room for love of any sort, and I've long come to the realization that every person is hardwired to desire love of one kind or another. I know I'm still unlearning all of my coping mechanisms, and I know I'm still sharp with some people, but with you?" He smoothed a hair back from her face. "I'll take whatever love you can give me."

She cracked the third egg into the bowl and threw out the shell. "I always knew you could be a softie, very deep down. I'm just glad that I get to be the one to see it."

After the fourth egg was in the bowl, Vanderwood directed, "Okay, time to wash up. The next thing is mixing for two minutes. While I love you, I do not trust you to use an electric mixer while blindfolded, so you're going to use a whisk for that job."

"I suppose that's fair. Can you put away the trash can while I wash my hands?"

"Already on it."

"Where's the whisk, again?"

"I kind of put it toward the back, so either be careful or wait for me to move a few things."

"Oh, I've got it. Don't worry," MC waved a hand in dismissal and groped around for the whisk, but her arm was a bit too low, and she dipped her clothed elbow in the plate where the butter had been. She sighed. "What did I just decorate my elbow with?"

"Butter. Try it. It might be tasty," he teased.

"Come on, Vandy, this is not the time. Help me get it off before it soaks in too much."

"Alright, alright, I just had to pick on you a little bit for not listening to me." He carefully scooped off the top layer of the butter with a paper towel before trying to absorb the rest. "I'm going to roll up your sleeves a bit more so that this hopefully won't happen again."

"Well, not until I slosh half the cake out of this bowl trying and failing to mix it."

"You'll be fine. Just stick to mixing the center and bringing the outside of it toward the center so everything gets mixed. But mix it well and mix it fast. The timer starts...now!"

MC held the bowl against her stomach to steady it while she mixed the batter vigorously. "Easy for you to say. You're not the one trying to mix furiously while keeping it all in the bowl on top of being blindfolded!"

"Calm down, you're doing great. A couple drips, maybe, but it's staying in."

"So far, anyway. But that's good, I guess."

"No guessing. It's quite good." Vanderwood leaned against the counter. "We've got a minute and a half to kill. Should I spend it telling you how you look right now?"

"Oh gosh, do I even want to know?"

He shook his head in near disbelief, smiling. "Magnetic. Adorable. More delicious than the cake we're making."

MC cackled. "You cannot be serious. I've got to be a mess right now."

"You act as if that's a contradiction. It's the mess that makes you more beautiful. Is every single hair of yours in place? No. But they fall around your face in the most delicately beautiful way. Even the places where the ingredients got smudged on you somehow add to your charm." He leaned in so that his lips touched her ear, his voice lowering to a gravelly timbre. "Did you know that your cheeks are all rosy from the effort you're putting into stirring? It's unbelievably attractive. And the way your lips press together when you're concentrating? It makes me want to kiss them apart. In fact—"

"Vanderwood, how much time is left?" MC interrupted, suppressing a vivid blush and a shiver.

"Our entire lives," he said, happily ignoring the real question.

"The timer, Vanderwood. How much is left on the timer?"

The sound of the timer going off answered the question for him. "None," he grinned. "I'll go spray the cake pan while you rest for a moment. You've earned it."

She exhaled, set the mixing bowl aside, and stretched. Then a thought made her panic. "Vandy, we forgot to preheat the oven."

He held her face in his hands. "MC. Darling. Breathe. I set the oven when I grabbed the apron."

Her breathing gradually slowed. "Sorry, love. I'm just really hungry and kind of tired and I think not being able to see is doing weird things to my brain and you kind of flustered me a minute ago with what you were saying and I'm sorry, I—" her voice cracked, but Vanderwood cut her off and held her close.

"Hey...hey...you're alright. There's nothing to be sorry about. I kept you going after a long day of work without feeding you first. I should have known better." He smoothed her hair and tucked it into her braid. "I'll tell you what. How about we get this cake in the oven and then order some pizza and watch another episode of Cucumber Fish?"

MC sniffled and hummed in agreement. Vanderwood loosened his hold around her and gently brought her hands to the bowl again before grabbing the cake pan. "Okay, all you've got to do now is pour it into the pan that I've put just to the left of the bowl. Just take it nice and easy. There you go. Perfect. You're almost done. Now let me get a spatula to scoop the last of it out." After he finished, he slid the cake pan into the oven and started the timer. "There. All done." He slipped the mask off her eyes and gave her a peck on the lips as she blinked to adjust to the light. "I'll clean all this up, alright? Go ahead and relax on the sofa. You can order the pizza and get Cucumber Fish queued up while I finish up in here."

"Okay," she murmured. Another peck, and she curled up on the couch. She pulled out her phone to order the pizza and smiled at the notifications she'd gotten from the RFA chatroom. They were up to their normal antics again. Hopefully, Saeyoung wouldn't exasperate Saeran too much with his crazy propositions. But there was nothing she could do about that, and she was starving and in desperate need of pizza. Once it was ordered, she turned on the TV and selected the episode, making sure to let it run past the ads before pausing it.

After Vanderwood joined her on the couch, the next forty-five minutes was filled with lots of cuddling and pizza devouring, more kissing than watching the show, a few glances at the cake's progress, an agreement to actually watch the episode while they ate the cake, and several minutes of cooling time after the cake was removed from the oven. Vanderwood emerged from the kitchen after a few minutes of setting up to decorate.

"Are you sure you want to put on the mask again?" he asked. "I don't want it to mess with your head like it did last time."

"I'll be fine, babe. I'm pretty sure it was like that last time just because I was starving."

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

"If you say so. Go ahead and get them on, then," he said, handing MC the apron and mask.

"Just make sure to lead me into the kitchen again."

"Hmm, we'll see."

"We'll see?" she repeated, but shrieked soon after when she no longer felt the ground beneath her feet. Vanderwood had scooped her up to carry her into the kitchen bridal-style and sank his lips against hers with intentionality. He bumped into the counter but managed to avoid any damage to his wife. He deposited one last kiss on her lips before setting her down.

"What have you done to me, woman? Years and years of agent skills, undone in a moment. If it were anything or anyone else, I never would have bumped into that worktop. But when it's you kissing me, you're the only thing that exists." He grinned. "It's a shame, really. I thought my dexterity was an impressive skill, but I don't even have that anymore, it seems."

"Shame indeed," MC parroted, trying to steal another kiss from his lips and stealing one from his nostrils instead. She made a face, causing Vanderwood to laugh.

"Well, at least I still have the ability to order you around." MC smacked him in response, and he continued, "Alright, alright, let's get to it then. This is where it'll get really interesting, since decorating requires more precision. Which, no offense, is a skill you don't have, since you're not exactly used to being blind."

"Now wait just a—okay, I can't argue that," MC sighed. He placed a spatula in one hand and a jar of frosting in her other.

"Turn around. Can you find where the cake is?"

"Ye—wait, Vandy! I thought you said you cleaned up!"

"I did…sort of." Before she could protest, he interjected, "I wiped the worktop! I just pushed all the dishes to one side so we could put all of it in the dishwasher at once when we were done!" He added with a mumble, "I just wanted to get back to you."

"You think you can charm your way out of anything," MC responded airily. "Well, you're right." She squared up as best she could with a frosting jar in hand. "I found the cake. I'll try to do my best."

"Well, in this part, I won't let you go completely solo. I can rotate the cake for you as you go, if you want."

"Please."

MC scooped a large helping of frosting from the jar and started spreading around the perimeter. Her spatula made a slight detour for a moment to donate some frosting to the top of the cake, and Vanderwood halted and reversed his rotation slightly to avoid confusion. A few seconds later, she went for another, slightly smaller, scoop to finish frosting the circumference of the cake. Another scoop, added to the deposit from the first, finished off the top.

"Is there a big corner around the top edge? Or any dry spots?" she asked.

"Just a slight corner. Grab a little bit more frosting to round it off a bit and thicken the top."

She did as directed while he helped rotate, and stepped back. "Better?"

"Much better. Maybe we can add a little artistic touch by making some...what do you call them? Swoops? Around the sides from the top?"

"Sounds great. You're definitely going to have to help me, though."

"Alright, I'll rotate again and stop you when you're done. Then you can smooth off the top edge again quick."

Six slightly lopsided arcs later, he stepped back for a moment, observing. "This is certainly not the prettiest cake I've seen, but it all adds to the fun, yeah?"

"I guess," she laughed.

"Now here's the part that'll really get a laugh when you take off the blindfold. I've got a bowl over here with some frosting for smaller decorating, and you get to pick the food coloring that goes in it."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," he snickered while guiding her over to a trio of colored bottles that she couldn't discern. "Take your pick," he said cheerily. MC gingerly selected one, and he suppressed a snort poorly. "Excellent choice!"

MC groaned. "I'm going to regret all my life choices, aren't I?"

"Of course not! Only your decision to marry me."

"Hey." She squeezed his wrist. "I could never regret that."

"You might reevaluate that statement when you take off the blindfold and see the cake. Or at least my ugly mug."

"Vanderwood. Don't you even start with me. You're so hot that if we were working with chocolate instead of a cake, we wouldn't need the microwave to melt it."

"You're so hot that the beach would need sunblock instead of you."

"You're so hot that the sun goes to you when it needs to warm up."

They collapsed against each other, gasping for air. Vanderwood caught his breath first. "Let's get this food coloring in the bowl, shall we? The spoon and frosting are already in it. All you have to do is put a few drops in and stir until I say so. The bowl's on your left."

"As you wish," she said as she did so.

After a few moments, he spoke. "That's enough. Let me get you back over to the cake, and I'll get the frosting in the decorating bag. Which is really just an ordinary plastic bag, but I did pick up some cheap decorating tips when I got the ingredients."

"Splendid. How am I going to decorate, though? Even if I could see, I don't know the first thing about cake decorating. Oh yeah, and I can't see."

"Don't get your 'panties in a bunch,' as you like to tell me so often. I'll do it with you this time."

"But you don't know how to decorate cakes, either!"

"Ah-ah-ah!” he chided. “Do you trust me or not?"

"Not particularly."

"Hey!"

"But! We should just go ahead and do it anyway, because even though neither of us knows what we're doing, we're the only ones in this apartment who can. And the frosting smells too good not to eat soon."

"That's my girl." Vanderwood curled around her. He molded one hand around hers and slid the other over her stomach. As they formed a few swirls on the top, he murmured, "We did this whole thing together. How impressive is that? Was it as fun for you as it was for me?"

MC smiled. "Of course it was. I know I got a little hangry for a bit there, but I know how much thought you put into this. None of my old deadbeat ex-boyfriends ever would have cared so much, let alone shown it. These are the things that make me love you that much more."

"I never experienced any permanent love until you showed it to me. And it's been so...world-altering—that I've been trying to wrap my head around it ever since. I still can't. But I swear I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to give you the same love you've given me. I certainly don't deserve it, after the things I've done. But you do. You deserve all the happiness a person can have."

MC paused and blushed slightly. "Vandy…" She exhaled. "We've gone over this whole 'not deserving it' thing. Whether you deserve it or not doesn't matter. To me, what matters is your heart. You have such a beautiful heart, Vandy. I love the kind of man you've become. I've seen you strive every day to be better than you were the day before, and that is so inspiring."

"Well, whether or not I deserve happiness, I would choose to be happy every day if my being happy made you happy." He squeezed her hip affectionately and pulled her in for a tender kiss.

"It would." She kissed him back. They added one last swirl and a border before they set down the bag of frosting. He uncurled her fingers and fiddled with her wedding ring.

"Are you ready to see it?"

"Sure."

He slipped off the blindfold, and she gasped.

"What have we done?" she exclaimed as her laughing grew louder by the second.

"Whatever do you mean, dear?" Vanderwood asked, feigning ignorance.

"The cake is bright flaming orange, Vandy!" She let out a snort, then covered her face. "Hey, wait! All the food coloring was the same color too, you little twit!"

He shrugged innocently. MC sputtered. "Nuh-uh. Don't you shrug at me, mister. Saeyoung has rubbed off on you way too much."

"Has not."

She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe the tiniest bit."

"Uh huh, that's what I thought. Now are you as ready as I am to eat this cake and watch Cucumber Fish?"

"Let me take a picture first. And another one with you in it? You look so lovely, I can't not have one with you in it."

She tried desperately to keep a frown on her face as he snapped a picture but couldn't quite hold back the quirk at the corner of her mouth. He cut a slice for each of them and handed one to her. He curled the paper plate around his slice, and she did likewise. They looked each other in the eyes, both knowing exactly what would come next. Vanderwood solidified his stance. "Ready...steady...GO!" The couple raced to the living room and took a running jump onto the couch, ready for the wonderful night ahead.

#mysmerbb #mystic messenger #mysme #mysme vanderwood #vanderwood x mc #my writing #my fic #mysme fic #collab #art collab

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kalee60 · 4 years ago

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Potatoes are 🤤

Fried, roasted, stewed, chips, salad, relish, patties, stuffed, bread .... They're all 😍❤️ I haven't had the chance to try mashed potatoes though (South Asian hehe).

When I was 13 yrs old, my friend and I accidentally made something similar to Spanish tortilla (de patatas). We didn't want to wait for potatoes to fry and cook eggs, so poured the eggs in one go. The result was absolutely delicious. It's my go to meal when I don't want to put effort into cooking. They're great with rice!

Shepherd's pie is on my list of foods to try. What's your potato dish that you want to try?

Does Pringles count as potato dish? I certainly say it should.

Why hi there nonnie! You are speaking my language right now!!

Gah - my love for this vegetable knows no bounds - I could write stories about them, compose a sonnet or two, make a badly edited cooking show on-line. But I mean my favourite thing to do is eat them:

(and yes this is a heavily Hobbit related post, because who loves potatoes more than me {apart from no one} it's the Hobbits!)

So first up - yes, Pringles in my world view definitely comes under a potato dish - it's a delicacy from the region known as 'màāss produced tübed foõd' very popular and easy to make - but I've heard that once they are opened (or popped is the correct lingo) it's hard to cease (or stop for the masses).

Shephard's Pie!! Mashed potatoes - how have you not been fortunate enough to try these phenomenal dishes - they are a staple in my home (and nothing at all to do with how easy they are to make 😂 {fyi - I'm a terrible cook but I can cook the hell out of potato}) okay full disclosure - it's because they are easy to make - but yes you need to try these two delicious forms and you need to tell me what you think!!

My ultimate though is - hasslebacks potatoes, there is just something about the way they are presented, roasted, the taste, and you can add breadcrumbs or cheese but - gah 🤤 - they are divine... But yes I've made similar dishes to your go-to (also by accident!)

Yet you pose a conundrum... What's a potato dish I want to try - and I want to cry - nay - there is no such thing - I've tried them all *throws hands in air for extra emphasis* but I know there are so many across the world I've not yet tried... But - right this second - I'm going to say potato bread... I've never had it and I'm intrigued - you can carb up a carb? Well hell - I'm in!!!

Thank you nonnie for letting me go on about a vegetable - this has been brilliant and a nice break in my regularly scheduled dumpster fire of a blog!

And just in case you didn't realise by now - Samwise is my spirit animal...

#nonnie you've made my morning #and you've made me hungry #for potato 🙄 lol #kalee answers #and has an unhealthy obsession with 🥔

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otnesse · 7 months ago

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Just as an FYI, BEFORE 2012, or especially 2017, I actually DID use to root for the Jedi as well as the Rebels, and most certainly rooted against the Empire and the Sith. Actually viewed them as being the equivalent of the American Minutemen/French Resistance and Christian principles, and the Sith and Empire as being British Empire/Nazis/Soviets. Probably the closest we had to a stumbling block before 2012 certainly was Obi-Wan's "Only a Sith deals in Absolutes" (which, BTW, completely CONTRADICTS the whole idea behind Good vs. Evil, since that ITSELF is an absolute), that and George Lucas outright stating the likes of BARACK OBAMA made for an ideal Jedi (when if anything his overall character was closer to that of PALPATINE, arguably even WORSE than him). However, after Bill Whittle exposed that, at a bare minimum, the Ewoks were meant to be depicted as the Vietcong and the Empire was meant to be America, I started to gradually realize the Rebels must have been tied to Vietcong or, worse, the USSR as well, and then after Chris Taylor not only confirmed they were in fact meant to be Vietcong analogs from the very start, but even cited George Lucas's development notes, that's when my love for them stopped (and reading comments he made during 2005 Cannes certainly didn't help the image where he strongly implied the Old Republic was not only supposed to be Robespierre's France, but the PREFERABLE place to live in compared to Napoleonic France of King Louis XVI's France). Didn't help either when I remembered Obi-Wan's statements to Luke about how truth was relative (last I checked, in TRUE good vs. evil stories, the idea that truth is relative, and by implication morality itself, is the kind of viewpoint the VILLAIN adheres to, not the hero. Just ask Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter, or even the Joker from Batman: The Killing Joke (also Kefka from Final Fantasy VI). I mean, using George Lucas's logic when he wrote Obi-Wan's Sith Deals in Absolutes line, that makes Jesus Christ and his FATHER Sith Lords, and by extension evil. Let's not forget, Jesus himself used VERY similar black and white phraseology regarding loyalty to him or not. Heck, God himself using Lucas's logic is VERY possessive of his creation, sacrificing his only begotten son just to ENSURE they're back under HIS control. Otherwise, he would have simply said regarding his creation rejecting him "eh, whatever. I guess fate decided they don't want me, so might as well let them die out since fate demanded that. Can't force them back into a relationship with me, since that's selfish and unbecoming of me." meaning the entire Old and New Testament WON'T happen at all, it'd literally END at the bit about Adam and Eve eating from the tree of knowledge, implying they died and God just stood there and watched without any feeling, be completely apathetic to the entire thing.).

Less said about the entire STUPIDITY behind the no attachments clause, the better. In fact, want to know EXACTLY what I think of regarding no attachments to its logical conclusion? Try Galenth Dysley from Final Fantasy XIII, and his ideas were explicitly meant to be pure evil. Heck, just ask Seymour Guado from Final Fantasy X, ESPECIALLY after becoming an Unsent. Let's just say his talk would basically make him Anakin if he took Yoda's statements to heart about letting go of ALL he feared to lose, and decided to cause a LOT of mass destruction as a direct result. If I lacked attachments of ANY sort per the code, guess what? I'd have zero reason to not slit my fellow Jedi's throat since I figured, hey, the Force demands everyone die in the end anyways, so might as well aid in it. Even go all suicidal due to thinking this IS the selfless way to go, ensure everyone, myself included, DIES due to believing that IS what the Force itself wills. If anything, attachments are literally what's necessary to even GIVE a darn about the people you're saving and protecting (think why Bruce Wayne became Batman, or why Clark Kent became Superman). The entire PREMISE behind non-attachments is downright nihilistic in other words, something more fitting with the Sith and their Rule of Two chronic backstabbing disorder status. I even pointed that bit out here, as did at least one other person.

And as far as what canon is supposed to represent, I already learned that authors can screw with people via canon after a similar situation with Hideo Kojima and Peace Walker where he basically reduced Big Boss and Master Miller to being mouthpieces for his love of Che Guevara. So I have NO intention of letting myself be manipulated like that again, which is another reason why I turned against Lucas and his "heroes." And BTW, "death of the author" isn't even CLOSE to what I'm doing (actually, if anything, "death of the author" would be me rooting for the Rebels even when I know full well that they're Vietcong members and Communists). If anything, it's following Lucas's words to the letter, and then showing just HOW terrible they actually are. Oh, and BTW, the whole CONCEPT of a "gray Jedi" is redundant because the Jedi THEMSELVES are gray at best (they'd have to be if they actually reject moral absolutes like Obi-Wan did TWICE, and Lucas even agreed with him both times. Heck, part of the reason he had Obi-Wan make that stupid comment in ROTS was because he was AGAINST Bush's evoking black and white morality. Ah, Lucas, last I checked, Good vs. Evil storylines REQUIRE black and white morality). And I don't even WANT them to be gray at all. They're not even FLAWED characters, they're more like what the Boss described how absolute good and evil never existed and everything is relative in Snake Eater (which innately goes AGAINST Good vs. Evil, BTW).

One last thing, Lucas was pretty much the reason why several of those EU works even saw PUBLISHING. They all have to go through him, and he also makes it explicit it CAN'T interfere with his films in any way. If he truly meant what he said about how the EU was fanfiction, he should have said no to the EU to begin with (especially given his micromanaging nature by the Prequel Trilogy that may have even existed earlier with ROTJ). In fact, one particular bit about the EU, Palpatine returning as a clone, was apparently made by the suggestion of George Lucas in place of the original plan of a Copycat Vader.

Ahh, and THERE it is… 🙃🙃

I have kept my opinions mostly to myself about The Acolyte, because I wasn’t planning on watching it until seeing where it went with the Jedi. Almost everything in SW media has an element of Jedi criticism (sadly 🙄), so I knew that would be a given with this show, so I was holding off on any total judgment until the end.

One thing I KNEW I would despise and would make me not ever watch it is if they actually made canon that the Jedi brutally murdered an entire coven of witches and COVERED UP A MASSACRE (wtf on that part, because they would NOT cover it up, even if they’d made a mistake). Apparently, it is not as bad as I feared, and they don’t destroy the Jedi Order’s characterization entirely.

But THIS line. 🥶🤢

With THIS line that is apparently written in the newest episode—that’s it. You’ve lost me.

Because THIS line is just straight up genocide apologia.

Ohhh, of course they don’t come outright and SAY, “Loool, those space wizards deserved what they got! 🤪🤪✊”, but the implication is pretty clear, all the same.

From the very beginning, I knew the showrunner of The Acolyte didn’t like the Jedi or their culture, and said that her show “wouldn’t be kind to them.”

And I could’ve lived with just the stupid vagueness of portraying the Jedi as a pompous bureaucracy (because it’s just an infectious opinion that’s spread through most of the fandom), without FULLY condemning The Acolyte and declaring the show a terrible portrayal of the Jedi and their morality and culture, along with the CANON aspects of the Dark Side being a cancer in The Force that does nothing but make people miserable and cause imbalance in The Force.

But with THIS LINE that is SO clearly a wink and a nudge to the SW fans who believe the Jedi ‘deserved what they got’… 🙄🤢… I’m sorry, but they’ve officially lost me. 😬🤷‍♀️

There are things that I’d probably like, if I ever can make myself stomach getting through the show: seeing how different cultures view The Force, seeing more of the Jedi Order/culture/Temple/how they teach their students, the characters Sol and Jecki and Yord and Osha—even seeing Jedi fighting style being so different and more defensive while trying to not use their lightsaber unless necessary, since they are in a time of peace.

But for the most part?

With THIS frankly DISGUSTING line, I can say with absolute certainty that The Acolyte is a show that I would never enjoy, and that is frankly not a welcome addition to the SW universe to me.

I appreciate the diversity inclusion, and I find myself relating to that meme that says something like: “When you hate a show, but then realize the other people that hate it are mostly bigots, 🙃🙃” because—unlike THOSE moronic dudebros—my criticism is for the story itself.

It’s a genuine shame. It’s such an interesting premise, getting to see the Jedi in the High Republic Era. But with this… I now know that The Acolyte is a show not worth my—or ANY OTHER pro Jedi fan’s time. 💔😔🤷‍♀️😬

Only thing I’ll say in defense of it: Mr. Sith (?) IS hot. 🔥❤️‍🔥

And that’s the only other praise I can give. 🤷‍♀️

Loool, sorry for the rant. I’m just so pissed off. 😭🤷‍♀️😂

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news-sein · 5 years ago

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mittensmorgul · 8 years ago

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Survival of the Fittest rewatch airs today. I have still never forgiven Sera Gamble for putting the words in Dean's mouth that no one cares that Cas is broken. :) I don't care how frustrated Dean was, no wonder Cas doubts where he stands with the Winchesters. I always imagine Cas remembers all of the times Dean made those comments like being called junkless sissy. This is not really a serious complaint, just sharing an observation that Ritchie was right, "Words hurt, Winchester." :) :)

Ooh, if we’re bringing Richie the Incompetent Hunter from 3.04 into things, let’s remember the context in which we’re quoting, because that’s key here:

RICHIE: Oh, man. You should have seen the rack on this broad. Freakin’ tragedy when I had to gank her.DEAN: Whoa, whoa. Wait. Who killed her? If I remember, your ass was toast until I showed up.RICHIE: Oh, I forgot what a comedian this guy was.DEAN: Richie, Richie, know what? I told you then and I’ll tell you again — you’re not cut out for this job. You’re gonna get yourself killed.(RICHIE’s phone rings)RICHIE: (to caller) : Talk to me.(to DEAN): FYI, Winchester — words hurt. (to caller): Yeah? (pause) No, it’s not a good time, babe. Later.DEAN: So you find anything in this town, anyway?RICHIE: Ah, no. I got nothing. Oh, wait a minute. You mean as in demons and whatnot?DEAN: Yeah.RICHIE: No, I got nothing.

There’s the quote in context. We’ve just met Richie, completely distracted by his “sister,” who is clearly a hooker, in a town that’s supposedly overrun with demons that he was theoretically hunting. His first story up there makes us wonder if he’d really had things under control on that previous hunt, but combined with his comment about the physical distraction the succubus provided and the fact that he also has NOTHING on the demons in town but is distracted so easily with the, uh… local entertainment… and the serious way Dean delivered his line about him not being cut out for this job, AND the fact that Dean was right and he DID end up getting himself killed… well…

There’s also the joking bantering way he delivered that line to Dean about words hurting while he was talking on the phone with yet another woman he was hooking up with… I mean… Dean wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and Richie wasn’t actually hurt by his words. He was trying to be honest. Richie didn’t take his advice, and Dean ended up having to bury him. So take the quote in context.

Just like the quote about 7.23:

CASTIEL: I can’t help. You understand? I can’t. I destroyed… everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can’t.SAM: Dean…DEAN: We can’t leave it. You let these friggin’ things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

Out of context, it sounds awful. But look back at ALL of s7 (and really most of s6 too). What’s the advice that Dean himself got from Frank, and from Bobby, and from Eliot freaking Ness, and pretty much everyone else all season long?

That his personal problems aren’t as important as getting the job done. Paste on a smile and decide to keep doing the job or just give it up. That there was no time for wallowing in his own depression:

Eliot: Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

AND AS AWFUL AS IT WAS, IT KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL THINGS STARTED TO TURN HIS WAY AGAIN.

This… wasn’t a one-off pissy comment from Dean to Cas. Because why had Dean needed to suffer through pretty much everything he did in s7 until Cas came back? Bobby laid it out in 7.02:

Bobby: Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother’s in the bell jar, and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You’re fine.

But what was the DIRECT CAUSE of all of this? Cas’s actions in s6. This is why he had such a hard time forgiving Cas at first (which he talked about with Emmanuel in 7.17, before he actually DID extend the olive branch and essentially INSTANTLY forgave Cas for EVERYTHING). But as long as Cas was alive, and there, they could fix things. There was still hope that everything could be made right again.

In 7.21 when Cas first woke up, Dean let himself hope (despite Meg’s warning that he wasn’t quite the same) that Cas would progressively “get better,” because no matter how bad things sometimes got, Cas was still his friend, and still someone he relied on, put his faith in, because Cas had always come back to him… I mean, in the “Playing Sorry” scene, the nature of the board game and the moves they make essentially define the dynamic Dean’s struggling with here.

Dean plays first, and starts talking with Cas, but Cas refuses to engage with his questions at all. Instead he talks about something else entirely at the same time playing the game and knocking Dean’s piece back to the start. But Dean knows that Cas has information that can help begin to put this entire mess to rights. They literally have a tablet in their hands that may hold all the answers, and Cas is ALIVE and AWAKE, and he remembers EVERYTHING… and yet he doesn’t even seem to care ABOUT DEAN AT ALL. One of the things Cas can’t engage with due to his sense of abject guilt over IS DEAN. And what he did to Dean at the end of s6 and in 7.01. In his present state, Cas can’t see any way through to redeeming himself to Dean (which was ALL he wanted in 7.01 before the Leviathans took over).

But all season long, Dean’s been fighting mostly alone (or at least that’s how it felt to him) to try and clean up this mess that he’d tried to stop Cas from making in the first place. And goddammit, take ALL of that, Dean’s frustration from s6 and his desperation and loss throughout s7, mix it in a huge pot and serve it up when he’s so close to the finish line of saving the entire planet, knowing Cas holds the final key to taking Dick down…

And he knows that CAS knows this. Dean’s spent three episodes trying to be understanding, trying to coddle Cas along, hoping HIS Cas that he knows is still in there somewhere, the one whose dying promise in 7.01 had been to redeem himself to Dean, the one who remembered everything and saved Sam in 7.17, the one Dean told they COULD fix it all if they worked together, the one who cares about humanity so much he stood alone against Heaven to save it.

The one Hester accused DEAN of having broken in the first place in 7.21:

DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off. We’re actually trying to clean up one of your angel’s messes! You know that.CASTIEL: He’s right. An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it.DEAN: Look, just give us some time, okay? We will take care of your Prophet.HESTER: Why should we give you anything… After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you’re going to pay.HESTER walks towards DEAN.CASTIEL: Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.HESTER: No, Castiel.HESTER backhands CASTIEL and he falls to the ground. INAIS and the other MALE ANGEL each hold up two fingers to stop DEAN and SAM from going to CASTIEL’s aid.HESTER: No more madness! [She punches CASTIEL.] No more promises! [She punches CASTIEL again.] No more new Gods! [She punches CASTIEL repeatedly and then holds up an angel knife.]

SHE DIRECTLY BLAMES CAS’S FRIENDSHIP WITH DEAN FOR EVERYTHING. “The very touch of you corrupts.”

Meanwhile, Cas is unable to even talk about his own actions in the first person. He’s doing everything he can to distance himself from his guilt. It’s the only way he’s able to engage with everything he’s feeling guilty about. And now Dean’s just got one more item on his checklist of things to feel like shit about– ruining an angel of the Lord– and not even through his actions or words or deeds, but by the simple fact of his existence. He’s poison.

Yet… he’s still fighting. He’s still swinging, until he just can’t anymore. And some combination of desperation over all of this, after a season where he seriously contemplated just giving up so many times, where he cared so little about himself or the fight or just… anything… Cas’s current state is just the last straw.

Look at what Dean tells Kevin in 7.21 about being “chosen”:

DEAN: Oh, I don’t know, man. What can I say? You’ve been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There’s no use asking “why me?” ‘Cause the angels – they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just… breaks them apart.

THAT line always breaks my heart. Because it’s ABOUT CAS. And Dean’s guilt over what’s happened to Cas. HE feels like it’s entirely his fault that Cas is broken apart now.

Cas had done all of this to protect Dean. ALL of it. Including sacrificing himself to heal Sam in 7.17, which directly resulted in his current state.

And back to 7.23, Cas drops the bombshell on them that the entire garrison of angels is dead or in hiding– including the ones who’d been guarding Kevin Tran– and then veers off topic to talk about monkeys because he doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t want to fight, and he certainly doesn’t want to feel his personal guilt for yet another loss (of both the angels from his garrison AND the prophet).

This is also the first time that Dean tells Cas they don’t want him to fight, they’re just worried, and they need the information he has about Kevin in order to try and save him:

CASTIEL: I don’t want to fight.DEAN: No, I’m not – [very calmly] we’re worried.CASTIEL: They took him. He’s alive. I felt such responsibility, but it’s in your hands now.DEAN: Wait. Hold on a freakin’ minute.CASTIEL: I feel much better.

It’s in your hands now. As if that just absolved him of all that responsibility.

And that’s… just not how any of this works.

Plus, after what Crowley said:

CROWLEY: Certainly. Oh, bonus. Meg, I’m gonna scoop you up, take you home, and roast you till you’re jerky. [CASTIEL starts to move towards CROWLEY.] But not… yet. Cas can have you for now. Hilariously, it seems he’d be upset at losing you. And the boys need Cas to get Dick. Don’t they, Cas?CASTIEL: Oh, I – I don’t fight anymore.CROWLEY: Come on. Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly, you’re vital.

CAS IS VITAL. They’d can’t get Dick without him. And from Cas’s reaction to Crowley’s assertion there? Cas knows it. He goes so far to avoid that truth as to make the Solidarity Sandwiches in order to dodge his responsibility AGAIN. Because again, he can’t look them in the eyes when he says it:

SAM: And Cas, why was Crowley so certain that you need to come with us?CASTIEL: Crowley’s wrong. I’ll be waiting right here. But please – accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.

When Sam and Dean show up at Sucrocorp the first time, they discover there are MULTIPLE Leviathans who ALL look like Dick. Their weapon only works once, so they can’t afford to bone the WRONG Dick, and they understand. Cas is the only one who can tell them which is the Real Dick. This is why they need Cas. And CAS KNOWS THIS. Yet he deflects AGAIN.

But WHY is he deflecting? Because just like Dean, who’s believed he was “poison,” and has been reminded of it very recently, Cas believes the same of HIMSELF. This is right in Dean’s personal wheelhouse. DEAN GETS IT. But he’s really got a limited set of tools in his personal emotional tool box for coping with that feeling he knows so well…

This is also where they finally catch up with Bobby, and finally burn the flask keeping his ghost tethered to the planet, and Cas stands in the shadows witnessing Sam and Dean’s loss (that he also feels responsible for) of the closest thing to a father they had. He begins to realize that Dean and he are of a similar mind here…

CASTIEL: I’m not good luck, Dean.DEAN: Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you’re the only guy left on the bench… Sorry, but I’d rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? [CASTIEL stares at DEAN.] What?CASTIEL: Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.DEAN: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so…CASTIEL: Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.

And despite Cas still not being able to forgive HIMSELF, he sees that Dean can’t really forgive himself either… yet they’re both able to forgive each other. It’s a start.

This story isn’t about just one or the other of them. It’s about BOTH of them, feeling the same weight of guilt and failure and loss. It doesn’t work unless you see that from both sides, in context of the gravity of the entire story, and what circumstance has taken from BOTH of them.

Which is why they BOTH ended up in Purgatory.

It’s not Dean “being mean” to Cas. And that one comment that Cas completely understood in context– he KNEW he was actively dodging his responsibility. Which is why I feel really uncomfortable labeling this incarnation of Cas “crazy.” Because he’s not. He’s in abject denial, but he isn’t crazy. The moment they land in Purgatory, he makes sure Dean knows what’s happened and where they are, and then takes off running to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Perfectly lucid, perfectly aware, and doing the only penance he has left to him– protecting Dean by sacrificing himself.

Which is honestly how we got into this whole mess in the first place. It’s not DEAN’s words that drove him to this point. It’s just what angels DO.

Remember, Cas has been a warrior of Heaven for billions of years, reprogrammed at need to follow orders. His entire existence had been nothing but THIS. His notion of “family” in Heaven was an understanding that he had a purpose and a job and a place because of what he DID, not just because of who he WAS. It’s not even something Cas could truly understand yet– what family means to humans as opposed to what it means to angels.

Cas judged his personal worth on how useful he could be, not on the fact that he was someone Dean just cared about REGARDLESS of how useful he could be to them. Sure, in this case Cas was instrumental in fixing things, but no matter how many times Dean has told him he’s family, that they work better together, Cas still doesn’t have a human frame of reference to understand what that means. He will soon enough… *waves at s9 in the distance*

And wow, okay, I just spent nearly 4 hours on this. Wow. But this is important, this is everything, because this right here is the absolute Stone Number One in the foundation of ALL of Dean and Cas’s future relationship. This guilt on BOTH sides, for very different reasons. This feeling that they’re both poison. That they corrupt everything they touch… THIS pushed BOTH of them to find forgiveness in themselves through finding forgiveness in each other. I mean… without this there would BE NO DESTIEL. I mean… that’s the big picture here.

#spn 7.17 #spn 7.21 #spn 7.23 #spn s7 #castiel winchester #oh DEAN #the scheherazade of supernatural #just one of MANY reasons i was perplexed by folks who were angry that s8 didn't give us canon destiel #despite ALLLLLLL the subtext hinting at SOMETHING happening between them #there was still ALLLLL this baggage^^ to work through for BOTH of them #baggage that they're STILL working through individually #that Dean's nearly come to the end of on his side but that Cas is still fighting through on his side #THIS IS WHAT IS STILL BEING RESOLVED BETWEEN THEM THROUGHOUT S12 #s12 as s6 redux #which is a tag i eventually expanded to include s7 #because this was it really-- the genesis of bringing ALL of this out of the subtext #and without this baseline point where they started WE WOULDN'T BE WHERE WE ARE TODAY #literally ALL of Cas's emotional growth since this point has rested on this singular fact #which is why I get so ANGRY about folks laying all this blame on DEAN like this #because it erases the narrative push that even makes a potential future relationship between them possible AT ALL #Anonymous #s12 hellatus rewatch

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