#...as in like 'i agree with this statement because [transphobia from their end]' like. please analyze why they feel safe around you!!

[uncanny-tranny]

If the only people who laugh at your jokes or respond to you positively are bigots - and you yourself disavow those opinions - maybe it's time to analyze why it is that they feel safe around you. While you might not be intentionally bigoted in those ways, there is still a reason that somebody who's transphobic, anti-Black, whatever it may be, really, feels it is okay to be open about those bigotries.

[havingsomemorejohnlarks]

❝  well,  honestly i’ve never really had sex before and was kinda hoping you would teach me.  ❞ and [SUGGESTIVE] sound like they would be interesting to pair together

[ SUGGESTIVE ]  our muses are hanging out and end up on the topic of turn ons,  kinks,  and what they’re attracted to.

❝  well,  honestly i’ve never really had sex before and was kinda hoping you would teach me.  ❞

well im writing a fic cos its the only thing i know how to do! :’)

(so like i may put it on ao3) 

tbh this idea doesn’t really line up with Rook’s personal history, but I’m willing to put that aside for the sake of the fic 😌

I’m sorry if this is not what you were expecting, let me know if you want anything different! I put the options in the name chooser and it came out with john x rook so I’m going to be doing a fic with

John Seed x Male Deputy OC (Rook Diamante)

Warning: Sexual Tension, mention of transphobia and fetishization, strong language, mention of/talking about kinks (specifically, power play, piss kink, choking, gun play, knife play, degradation)

“Just please tell me the people there are nice...”

The sound of his Mom’s worried voice came crackling down the phone, as Rook pressed it against his ear and shoulder, clumsily shifting a few pans around on the kitchen counter.

There was no escaping the anxiety of Rook’s family, especially as he moved so far away. There was no hiding it either, even though Lillian was trying to keep her usual calming tones in the statement. Her son wasn’t an idiot though. Of course she was worried.

“Yeah, I guess so, Mom. Some of them are a little...” He hesitated, trying to find the right word, knowing the one he was about to say wasn’t what he meant. “... odd?”

He tried to keep the mocking “And I’m not going into high school, I’ve just moved to a different state.” inside his head because he knew how unhelpful that would be. And how stupid. The second one sounded much worse. Maybe.

“Odd? In what way? What have they said to you?” A deeper voice joined the conversation, one filled with even more anxiety, not even bothering to hide it.

“No one’s said anything, Dad. I meant... they’re just new. I’ve met plenty of nice people! Like... there’s this cute couple who run this business. They invited me to a barbecue this weekend so...”

A sigh of relief could barely be heard on the other side of the call. Although Rook knew they’d be unsettled with him being so far away from New York, it was still weird to witness both his parents like this after they’ve tried to remain strong for him all his life.

Rook felt it was his duty as a son to try and soothe them. He searched for other people in his mind who he had found nice and intriguing and not a threat to his personal safety, someone his parents could like and approve of.

“I’ve got this co-worker... he’s like an asshole but a loveable one, you know? Respects me but also calls me a dumbass when I’m being one. He’s cool.” Rook couldn’t help the little grin on his face, as he remembered the night out that Staci Pratt had invited him to, which resulted in him getting so drunk that he had sustained physical injuries. It was such a stress-reliever to finally drink with someone after moving to some random place in Montana.

A chuckle from his Dad and Rook knew that he had relaxed a bit. Someone who was on his sons side. Someone good.

“Any other new friends? Maybe... someone hot?”

He heard his Mom yell at his Dad playfully, while Rook’s face started to burn up suspiciously quickly. He had been avoiding thinking about “someone hot” or, more specifically, the hot man that he had seen around at that place, Aubrey's Diner, that Staci so loves.

It was embarrassing really. It was embarrassing how quickly he had agreed to go to the same diner again when Staci has suggested it. It was embarrassing how he craned his neck just a little every time, hoping to see the attractive man in the stylish outfits that made his tummy do flips. It was certainly embarrassing how he would go home disappointed when those blue eyes did not look his way, leaving him wanting and dreaming of some touch.

Staci had teasingly offered his services, but he shut up when Rook had hit him round the head.

A few more mentions of different people who had been nice to him and his parents had been soothed, still sad that he was not with them but happy for him all the same. His Dad gives him the usual cautions about people with bad intentions, reminds him to have fun (he can almost hear Mom’s eyes rolling) and Rook hangs up, promising he’ll be careful and also have fun, which is definitely a tough line to walk, if Rook’s completely honest.

But he says it anyway.

After hanging up, a dragged out sigh was let out into the air.

Usually, Rook was happy to talk to his parents, but giving someone reassurance for so long a conversation can catch up to you, especially if you’ve just finished a shift at work and are trying to make dinner.

He looked down at the pans he had gotten out in an attempt to make food. He stared for a while.

An irritated sigh and some tapping on his phone and Staci was on the other line.

“Don’t feel like making dinner, you wanna eat out tonight?”

An amused, sleepy grumble. “A ‘hello’ would be cool.”

“Shut up, yes or no?”

Staci laughed. “And you say I’m the dickhead.”

Rook made a deliberate, irritated sound.

Another laugh. “Okay, okay.”

-------------------------------------

After taking an absolute age to actually roll out of his bed, Staci finally texted to declare that, this time, despite all the other times being lies, he was actually leaving the house to get to the diner.

Meanwhile, seated at a table with a glass of cheap alcohol, Rook was having a difficult time convincing himself and Staci that he had absolutely no prior knowledge of his friends bad time management. He definitely didn't come to the diner a little early just to see if he could position himself as devastatingly handsome and completely alone and, therefore, in need of some company.

No, no. Why would he do that? It wasn't like there was any particular reason to do that. Definitely no particular man either.

Rook was just hoping Staci would go easy on the teasing when he got here because he sure as Hell wasn't fooling anybody.

It was pointless to come early anyway - Rook only sat there staring at the door, eyes becoming glittered with hope when he saw it open.

Staci got there before the man in the expensive clothes could.

"You know, you're not subtle."

Rook knew he couldn't fake it, so he didn't even try. "I know. It's stupid."

Staci picked up on the hint of embarrassment and disappointment. "It's not. John Seed is pretty hot, classically handsome, I suppose.”

Rook’s head snapped up, eyes now staring at his friend. “What? You know him?”

Staci nodded, glancing over the menu, even though he knew exactly what he was getting.

Rook’s mouth was slightly open. “And you didn’t think to tell me that?!”

The other man couldn’t stop the grin creeping on him. “I figured you would ask, if you wanted to know who he was.”

Rook didn’t stop staring.

“Also, I don’t really know him, know him. I just know of him, like everyone else does. I think only a select few actually know him, you know, he’s that type.”

Rook’s stare turned into a curious peer. “What type?”

Staci breathed out through his nose, a touch uncomfortable. “Well... mysterious, I guess... suspicious.”

Rook waited for Staci to give his order to the waiter who had come round, trying to understand what his friend was getting at.

Staci saw the look on Rook’s face and sighed. “Look, I was gonna tell you eventually anyway but... might as well be now.”

The expression on his face turned serious and Rook found himself remembering his Dad’s cautions. It looked like Staci was having a tough time.

“He might be dangerous, ok? He belongs to that... group that we get calls about. You know, the culty one.”

Right. Rook had heard about this. Whitehorse, his new boss, had pulled him aside while Pratt and Hudson responded to a call, whispering to him about being safe and something about ‘having your back’.

He tried to push down the rising tide of disappointment. He swallowed. And found himself doing something he didn’t think he’d ever actually do.

“Do you think... I should leave it alone then?”

Staci pulled an over-exaggerated face. “Dude, do whatever you want. Just don’t join the creepy groupies his brother has.”

Rook didn’t know how to feel about that. He couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t still intrigued by this John guy. But he knew how much worth a good looking, mysterious man in nice clothes had.

None. At all. He knew that from experience.

“I might... just leave it.”

That was the best decision to be made. Something excitable in him died, while the disappointment settled in. But he knew if he started something with this guy, it would get worse.

Cut it off at the root as soon as possible.

------------------------------------------

Perhaps going to the diner the night before a shift was a bad decision because both Staci and Rook woke up on the latter mans living room floor with banging headaches.

Rook was the first to wake and stumble to the bathroom, extremely aware that he wanted to throw up but couldn’t. This went on for about twenty minutes before the bathroom was raided by Staci, who lovingly shoved his friend out of the way to actually throw up.

While his friend was busy vomiting violently into the toilet, Rook crawled out of the room and picked up his phone. Only a few minutes until they were due to clock in for work.

Groaning, he reluctantly dialled the Sherriff’s number.

“Hey, Sherriff. Would you be mad if me and Staci called in sick today?”

“You two get your asses up to this station right now or there’ll be hell to pay.”

How did he know?

“We... really shouldn’t be driving, Sir.”

“Then walk.”

Whitehorse hung up.

Shit, he’s pissed off.

-----------------------------------------------

It took so long for them to get out the door, let alone walk all the way to the police station. Staci didn’t even have his uniform, but he insisted that there would be a spare one at the station.

Rook had to stumble about getting ready, before getting the bright idea to shove some water and food in his bag, to cure their hangovers.

Never in his life had Rook shown up to work hungover. It seemed to be something of a pastime for Staci, however.

They arrived to their place of work in a cold sweat, panting and, in Staci’s case, with a little vomit round the mouth. He couldn’t keep it in for the whole walk.

Whitehorse was standing outside the door, looking like the prime example of an angry boss - arms crossed, brows furrowed and a hard stare.

Rook tried to straighten up a little more, trying to seem apologetic and professional, despite the obvious unprofessionalism here. Staci didn’t even bother, clinging on to his friend for dear life, not looking anywhere but the floor as he groaned.

They walked gradually up the steps, slowly past Whitehorse, who moved out the way, still glaring. Rook swallowed and rasped, “It won’t happen again, Sherriff.”

“Clean him up and get in my office in five minutes. Both of you.”

It didn’t take too long to guide Staci to the station’s bathroom to throw up again. Rook had to wipe his mouth and give him water.

“I’m not getting you changed, Pratt.”

Staci chuckled behind the roughness of his hangover.

“Feeling any better yet?”

Staci waved an arm at him, breathing heavily on the floor. “Much.”

Rook raised an eyebrow, not believing him even a little.

They got to the office in seven minutes, but Whitehorse didn’t give a shit by then. He sat in his chair, not saying a word, while the two young men stood on the other side of the desk. Rook shuffled awkwardly from one foot to the next, while Staci stood casually, weight leant on one foot, still looking ill.

“I just can’t believe you two.”

Silence filled the room around his words.

“How could you be so immature? You realise I could fire you, right? The only reason I refuse to is because we have so little staff, so much so that I told you to get your stupid faces down here even though I knew you would be useless today.”

“And also cos you love us, Sherriff.”

Rook kicked Staci so hard he almost fell over, and Whitehorse spun around in his chair, facing away from them, under the guise of being so disgusted by their behaviour, he had to look away.

In reality, he was trying to hide the smirk that tried to creep on his face.

“You do realise the Seeds are planning to come up here, yes?”

Both of them felt their hangovers cure in a split second. Or did they worsen?

“Wait, the culty ones?” Staci asked, as tactful as ever. Rook’s eyes widened to the size of small moons.

“Yes, the god-damn culty ones, Pratt! And you two boneheads decided to-”

He was cut off by the sound of a car pulling up to the station. The old man swiftly got up out of his seat and peered through the blinds, confirming his suspicions.

“Look. They’re here. I’ll punish your sorry asses later. Just get out there and stop looking like you drank the entire contents of the Spread Eagle.”

Staci had to pipe up again. “Actually, Sir, it was Aubrey's Dine-”

Whitehorse pushed them both towards the door, muttering something that sounded like “Get the fuck out, son.”

They hauled ass to their desks, flopping gratefully into their chairs, while Nancy shook her disapproving head at them the whole way.

As the door to the station opened, Rook chucked cold already-cooked hash brown leftovers over to Staci, who mouthed “Thank you!”, pretending to cry with relief.

Sure enough, John Seed walked through the door.

Rook’s head snapped down quickly, a burning sensation already coming up to his cheeks. He threw a bottle of water at his friend, aggressively, when he quietly wolf-whistled.

Rook hoped to Hell that John didn’t notice.

Unlucky for Rook. John always noticed as much as possible.

Before their eyes could meet, Whitehorse came out of his office, looking relaxed and composed. Rook had to give him credit - he could hardly tell he’d been seething literally just 30 seconds ago.

“Hey there, Mr. Seed.” Like the southern gentleman he was, he offered his hand, and John, being a master of politeness, took it immediately, a fake and gleaming smile already on his face.

“Hello there, Sherriff. I hope you weren’t waiting for me too long.”

“No, no, you’re just on time, Sir. Would you like to talk in my office?”

“I wish he was as polite as that a few minutes ago,” muttered Staci, around a mouthful of hash brown.

Rook tried not to giggle and focused on the pile of paperwork ready to be processed on his desk.

They didn’t come out of that office for a while, and the atmosphere turned from light and humorous to a little ominous. Rook glanced over to his friend, who looked surprisingly solemn, his light nature faded a little.

Rook would never admit that this scared him a little. Staci wasn’t fucking about when he said that the cult situation was serious, because he was clearly worried.

This new, worrying tension did not break after John finally stepped out of the office, a triumphant and slightly almost smug smile all over his face (Rook thought it looked vaguely vicious, and his attraction to this man somehow grew and withered at the same time), with Whitehorse following, a grim look of reluctant acceptance attached to him.

It was deathly silent as the three others in the room pretended to not be interested and got on with their work.

“May I use your bathroom before I go?” John enquired, ever-so-politely.

Rook was already giving Staci a death glare before he could even twist his head and see the suggestive smirk on his friends face.

Whitehorse threw him a tight smile. “Of course... Rookie, show him where it is, will ya?”

Staci didn’t even have the chance to do anything sexual with his face, because Rook had already stuffed another cold hash brown into his face, to stop anything unprofessional in the workplace.

He didn’t miss the quiet fake-moan around the god damn hash brown though, and he had to whack Staci round the head to shut him the hell up. John Seed witnessed this, much to the dismay of Rook.

Awkwardly, he led the handsome man away from the scene and the silence crept on them both - it made Rook a little embarrassed but John seemed just fine.

After a nervous gesture to the bathroom door, he stood there awkwardly, while John looked closely, head tilted slightly.

Rook stared down at the ground, not looking up until John realised he wasn’t going to make eye contact with him.

“I recognise you, don’t I?”

Rook slowly moved his eyes up, accidentally (or not?) letting them graze over John’s body as he finally met his eyes.

Man, those eyes. Those blue eyes.

Rook smiled an awkward smile, but felt a little fluttery feeling inside.

He recognises me. A thrill went through him.

“Well, I’ve seen you around Aubrey's Diner a few times... I didn’t realise you saw me.”

John flashed a smile - not a fake one, like before, but a genuine amusement at the cute little look on Rook’s face.

“Oh, I saw you, Mr...?”

“Rook. Rook Diamante.”

John tilted his head up slightly, a small smile playing upon his lips. “Hmm, Rook Diamante...” He said the words as if he were testing them out on his tongue, and finding he liked them.

Rook couldn’t help but grin a little at that sight. “And you’re John Seed, yeah?”

The older man nodded, watching Rook carefully.

Rook could guess what he was searching for.

And his mouth opened before he could stop himself.

“You’re apart of your brothers... group or something, right?”

John laughed. “Yes, I am apart of Eden’s Gate.”

Rook nodded, with a quiet “ahh”.

John couldn’t help the widening of his smile and the slow, long look that pulled down Rook’s body. John let his gaze linger on the curve of the other mans ass and thighs. An image of John touching these parts of him flashed through his mind and left his heart racing and skin flushing slightly.

Rook didn’t miss this. He felt a heat rise up in him and for a moment, Staci’s suggestive comments running through his mind, and, for a second, he felt the crazy urge to shove John into the bathroom stall and grind up on him.

John stepped a little closer, feeling the tension between them. “This may be a bit unprofessional but... would you like to go to Aubrey’s Diner together sometime?”

Rook thought he might take flight in excitement. It showed in his voice, as he flustered, in a breathy voice, “Y-yeah! That... I’d like that a lot, actually.”

John grinned at the cuteness. “Good. Here.” He produced a little card from his jacket pocket, which Rook took, curiously.

It had ‘John Seed’ printed on it, with a phone number.

--------------------------------------------

“This was such a bad idea.”

“No, it isn’t, dumbass!” Staci rolled his eyes, rummaging through Rook’s old box of nail varnish. Rook had already taken out some black nail varnish out and painted a few hours ago.

Staci took out a dark, dark red colour and hummed in appreciation. As he started casually painting his perfect nails, Rook tried to get out of his third outfit choice of the night.

Staci frowned at him. “Why are you taking off the jeans? They show off your ass. Trust me, he’d like that.”

Rook growled and threw them across the room in frustration. He stood there in his dark red underwear, similar to the colour Staci was putting on his nails. “How the fuck do I know what he likes? I don’t even know him.”

Staci didn’t look up. “Isn’t that the point of tonight? Getting to know him or some shit?”

Rook groaned. “I don’t even fucking know! We didn’t clarify... maybe he...” Rook swallowed down disappointment. “... maybe he just wants to be friends.”

Staci did look up then. “Are you being serious? How much of a dumbass are you?!”

Rook put his hands on his hips, his eyebrows raised, bottom lip between his teeth.

“What are you looking at me like that for? Did you even see the look he gave you when he left the station? You don’t look at friends like that.”

Rook stopped the sass and starting biting his black nails. Staci rolled his eyes again and got up. He smacked Rook’s hands away from his mouth, and reviewed the outfits at hand.

There was silence for a moment as Staci worked his magic and worked out the outfit like it was a puzzle.

“Your favourite colour is red, right?”

Rook nodded.

“Hmm. Good. Dark red is your colour. Mix it with black. Put on them black jeans again. They’re your colour and they make you look hot.”

Rook did what was instructed, making no noise in argument. While he put them on, Staci ruffled through a few t-shirts and shirts in Rook’s drawer, making thinking noises.

He chose a few options. He held a dark blue t-shirt in one hand and a dark red shirt with buttons in the other. “This is the part where you have to choose.”

Rook pouted. “Why can’t I wear my slutty black and red one?”

Staci flicked his forehead. “BECAUSE.”

There wasn’t much more of an explanation than that.

When Rook had gotten the red shirt on him, they both argued about what piercings to put in. Eventually, they decided on plain rings up the side of his ear, but none on his ear lobe, as Staci declared it “too much”. The eyebrow bar was included, although Staci um-ed and ah-ed over this for a while.

By the time Staci had finished his work, Rook’s tummy felt the dormant notion of anxiety and butterflies. He took a deep breath in and tried to apply logic to the situation, just as his parents taught him.

This wasn’t going to kill him. The worst that could happen is John rejecting him.

He’s in a cult. He might try and indoctrinate you.

Rook was horrified by the stirring from below he felt at that thought.

Staci practically pushed him out of the building, squeezing out after him. “Don’t think so much, just go fuck him.”

Rook nodded.

“And tell me if he kills you.”

Rook whacked him.

------------------------------------

John has the sense not to arrive in one of the white Eden’s Gate trucks, instead pulling up to Aubrey’s Diner in a sleek car that looked too fancy for the small county.

Rook raised an eyebrow, leaning casually against the wall of the building, feeling excited.

I’ve got a rich boy on my hands, he thought, amused.

John gracefully slipped out of the car and locked it with a simple press of his keys, not looking away from Rook.

John was captured by the way Rook appeared to be so casual but dressed like he cared. He let himself wonder what the other man might look like with those jeans and that red shirt off of him, a little smirk pleasantly displayed on his face, obviously intended for Rook to pick up on it.

Rook grinned, pushing himself off of the wall and stepping closer, letting himself take in the pretty man right in front of him.

Suits were so John’s look, Rook couldn’t even handle it.

The older man flashed a small smile, and Rook smiled back at him.

“Shall we go in, Mr. Diamante?” John asked, teasingly.

Rook laughed a little. “You can call me Rook, Mr. Seed.”

John chuckled and slipped a hand on to Rook’s arm, making him shiver. Rook was a confident enough guy but this man was absolutely oozing it - he wondered what it might be like to have John in the bedroom.

Chill out, he only put his hand on your arm.

They walked in, finding a seat easily. Rook looked at the drink menu and offered one to John.

He smiled, something a little off about it. “I’m afraid I don’t drink.”

Rook could sense a backstory but would never ask on the first date. Date?

“Oh, I see. Would you prefer me not to as well?”

John hesitated and it was all Rook needed to confirm it.

Before John could respond and explain that he didn’t want to be responsible for Rook if he got too drunk to walk or respond, the waiter came over, giving John Seed a dirty look.

The locals don’t like him.

“I’ll have a milkshake please,” Rook requested, with a smile.

The waiter gave him a look that said “Are you five?” but Rook didn’t give a shit. If he couldn’t drink, he’d focus on something else addictive. Sugar.

John looked pleasantly surprised and felt just as grateful. After he ordered a coke with ice, the waiter scribbling it down reluctantly, he turned to Rook.

“You didn’t have to-”

“No way,” he said, simply, “I could tell you would get uncomfortable. And you’re much more important than alcohol.”

John smirked at the implications and Rook’s eyes widened.

“I just mean-! I meant that you deserve respect more than some drink. I came to see you, not the drinks, after all...” Rook tried to fight off the blushing.

John chuckled. “It’s ok, Rook. Thank you, I appreciate your hospitality.”

Rook lets out a laugh through his nose and shakes his head. “It’s only basic respect, dude.”

John laughed. “That’s quite hard to come by nowadays.”

Rook scoffed. “Oh, trust me, I’m aware!”

The next hour was filled with discussion about the horrendous dates that they had both been on. Rook explained about the disrespect and fetishization for being Mexican and trans, which John took in his stride. John, in turn, described being body shamed and being pursued as a sugar daddy, which made Rook shake his head.

“So...” Rook started slightly hesitant, “You really don’t mind about the whole trans thing?”

It was so important to check.

John smiled gently and slid his hand over to Rook’s, placing it over his comfortingly. “I really don’t mind. If it’s ok for me to mention... I have been with transgender people before. I try to learn everything I’m supposed to, to make them comfortable, you understand?”

Rook grinned back. “Look’s like I picked the right guy to be attracted to then.”

John huffed out a laugh and leaned forward, teasingly. “You chose to be attracted to me, did you?”

Rook chuckled, a hint of seductiveness in his voice, despite the cheesiness of his next statement. “Oh, I’d say it was more like it chose me. You’re just something, you know?”

John had to fight the childish blush that came up to his cheeks. “Why, thank you, Rook Diamante.”

Rook shivered and felt something twist pleasantly in his lower belly.

“And I promise you, I’m not one of those people who actively seek transgender people... what are they called? I’m sure they had a name...”

“Chasers.” Rook supplied, drinking through his straw.

“Right.” John nodded. “I don’t understand that. You’re not a piece of meat, you’re a person. While you’re certainly...” he blushed, looking away from Rook’s smirk, ”attractive... you don’t deserve that kind of creepiness.”

Rook chuckled and nodded. “Agreed. I understand having some kind of fetish or kink, don’t get me wrong...” he flicked his eyes up at John, smirking slightly, “but if it’s something like that, it gets creepy as fuck.”

John laughed. “Of course. And... how much do you understand having some kind of fetish or kink...?” The question was part teasing, part hopeful, and Rook was ready to get into it.

“What an inappropriate question, Mr. Seed!” He took another slurp of milkshake. “I do understand having kinks, yeah. What about you?” 

He looked to John, curious to see what he says.

If he says he doesn’t have any, that man is a liar. Kink is written all over him.

John laughed, almost like he’d been caught out, with Rook giving him a “I know who you are” look.

“Yes, I have to say I do as well.”

Rook grinned and leaned forward. “Alright, man, pull out the list.”

John laughed hard, while Rook couldn’t help but giggle. His laughter was kind of contagious.

John stopped laughing and drank from his glass, still slightly chuckling around it. “Ok, I’ll indulge you. How about you suggest one and I’ll tell you which ones I... understand.”

Still grinning, Rook immediately pulled the first one he could think of. “Power play.”

“Yes.”

Rook called it. “Are you usually the submissive one or the dominant one?”

Gotta be a Dom right?

John smiled. “Well, I enjoy being either but... I gotta say, being a submissive is my preference.”

Wow, I was wrong. My fault for presuming, I guess.

John chuckled at the badly-hidden surprise on Rook’s face. “What about you, my handsome companion?”

Rook blushed and grinned. “Similar to you - I think I’d like being either, but...” He looked up right into John’s eyes. “I definitely would prefer being the Dominant one.”

John’s eyes flushed with something heated and his leg moved almost independently from him, to brush up firmly against Rook’s. Rook felt the urge to drag him into the bathroom again.

He liked that. Oh my God, he liked that.

John continued to rub his leg against Rook’s inner thigh, slightly but ever-so-noticeable. 

“Continue.” he whispered, gazing at Rook.

The younger man swallowed and tried to breathe naturally. “Ok. Choking?”

“Yes.”

Rook chuckled, breathlessly. “That was quick.”

An image of his hand around John’s throat popped into his head and his eyes flicked from his hand to John’s neck, trying to suss out whether or not it would be a perfect fit.

Only one way to find out...

Rook shook his head to snap out of it and tried to keep up the conversation. “Me too.”

John looked at him expectantly.

“Piss?” Rook blurted out, without thinking.

John couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Sort of? I can be into the power part of it, but it’s only really something I do if the person I’m with is particularly hot and particularly into it. What about you, Rook?”

Rook shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s not something I would like to try.”

John nodded, smiling slightly. He was sensing a pattern in Rook’s speech, the way in which he was referring to these interests of theirs.

“Ok, something extreme. Knife and gun play?”

John breathed in through his nose, leaning back to take in the question, but not taking his leg away from Rook’s. “Now that’s quite a prompt.”

Rook laughed and looked into his second milkshake - banana, this time, instead of strawberry. Chocolate was next. “I’m sorry if that was too much.”

John chuckled, slowly and seductively. “No, no, darling.” Rook felt that feeling in his belly again. “In fact, that is exactly my speed.”

Rook watched him. “So? You... understand it, right?”

John nodded. “Oh yes, I definitely understand it.”

“I think I’d like to try them. It kind of tracks that I would like it.” He laughed awkwardly.

John leaned in, ready to ask the question he wanted to. “You don’t have to answer but it might be important if you feel like...” He pushed his knee further up Rook’s thigh, “taking this a little further.”

Rook leaned in too, somehow not scared.

“Are you a virgin, Rook? Or have you simply not done anything kink related?”

Rook blushed very hard. He knew this would have to come up at some point, and he wasn’t embarrassed, not really. But he was still a touch nervous, even if he didn’t think John would mind.

“Well, honestly, I’ve never really had sex before and was kinda hoping you would teach me.” It was cheeky and playful but, underneath, Rook was hoping John would take it lightly.

John chuckled, and placed his hand on Rook’s thigh too. “Oh, you handsome man, I think I would adore teaching you.”

Rook flushed with something lustful. “My place or yours?”

John laughed, almost with shock. “You’re eager, aren’t you?”

The younger man leaned closer and placed his hand on John’s chin, tilting it up slightly. “Only for you, pretty boy.”

John felt that the heat had built up too much for him to not say the next words. “Are you ok with your place?”

“Yes.”

---------------------------------------

John drove them to Rook’s place, in warm silence that promised something hot as soon as they got inside somewhere with a bed or any other surface. Every so often, Rook would give directions and, every so often, John would turn to Rook quickly and give him a look that promised the best sex of his life.

When they pulled in to Rook’s place, there was a relaxed but hurried atmosphere. Rook wrapped an arm around John’s waist, and guided him to the door.

John grinned when Rook tried to open the door with his key, purposely placing himself behind him, pressed up against him, hands on Rook’s hips. The younger man looked back for a moment and glared playfully and John laughed.

“You’d better behave, pretty boy.”

John breathed in hard, taken aback but now a little hard at the idea of this man giving him a punishment for his bad behaviour. 

He leaned in to whisper in Rook's ear, breath tickling his skin. "You're very much mistaken if you think I'm the type to behave."

Rook whipped round very quickly, the door now open, and swiftly drew John's head close to his. As Rook bit the soft skin of John's earlobe, he heard John's breathing become more erratic.

"And you are severely mistaken if you think I'd let that slide."

And he pulled John inside.

---------------------------------------------------

Ok so that was that!

If you want the actual sex scene, I might post it on my ao3 for ya to read. I'm going to post this one too.

I hope that was okay, if you feel something was done wrong, let me know! :)

[starrynight0612]

Well just found out through social media that one of my friends is transphobic (she shared a clip from a Dr. Phil episode where a man argues against the statement trans women are women and said the man had good points). This really sucks cause me and her have the best discussions about diversity, inclusion, and race. And all of last year we hung out and I always got the impression she was very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. Hell when our very overtly transphobic teammate told us he didn't buy into it she immediately said we should respect people's identity. And we had great discussions where I brought up how transphobia and homophobia is a huge issue in Mexican communities (my ethnicity). She said it was the same for African-Americans (hers) and we both sighed in disappointment.

I am 99% positive she agreed with the man because he said mtf individuals are appropriating womanhood. I know as a Black woman she's very critical of cultural appropriation and very protective of womanhood and critical of the patriarchy. And I just want to scream because I know that's likely the part she's clinging too and it's not the same thing. Idk if I should just cut her off or actually engage in a conversation with her about this. But I just feel lied to. Why not ask me questions? She saw me deal with our overtly transphobic teammate. I never screamed or belittled him. We conversed and by the end I got him to realize he should use people's correct pronouns and not use dead names. Better to ask me and talk about it then lie because you want to stay in my good graces.

(Also I encourage anyone who is transgender to please avoid Dr. Phil. I've seen 2 episodes addressing this and it's usually super transphobic and traumatic. I dropped him pretty quick).

[dross-the-fish]

KDfjsdkfjs:LFKJS:dlfkjS

Well today was surreal.

I'm trying to do my fucking job, quoting some dude for an auto policy, but instead of giving me his car's goddamn VIN number this guy goes on a random tangent about how "actually futas are positive representation because they make transwomen look desirable" and it's just like...no?

How do you get to such an astronomically bad take? Why are you telling your insurance agent this? Did you call in because you were fucking BORED and you wanted to troll a stranger at their place of work? Did you run this atrocious line of thought past someone else and they explained that "Actually futas are a gross fetish and harmful" and you just couldn't accept that? Is that it? Did someone call you out on your bullshit???? Now your so salty you just have to talk to ME about it????

And he kept going with it. Even when I tried to nudge him back to his insurance he just ranted at me about how it's flattering that futanari hentai exists and he even has one transgender friend who likes it so it's good.

At the half hour mark with no VIN number in sight I actually reached out to the team leader to ask if I could cut off the call because this bozo was never going to get to get off this topic. He was being offensive, he was making me very uncomfortable, and he was wasting my time on a day when our call volume was higher than normal. She told me to humor him because even if I don't write him a policy it could be a 10 on a survey..... and then my team mates agree with her that I just need to "take one for the 10."

and I'm sitting at my desk like

And of course this guy didn't opt into the survey. His type never does. You know who takes 99.9% of the surveys? Old people and Karens. Not ridiculous little butt-whistling dweebs who don't have the social awareness to know that you don't discuss your fetishes with strangers who just want to do their goddamn jobs and don't have the time or patience to listen to you defend your kinks as some kind of morally correct political statement.

A full hour after the call started he finally winds down and, oh gosh darn, look at the time! He'll call back later because now he has to be somewhere. I had to step away from my computer so I took my lunch early and screamed obscenities into one of my couch cushions.

Ladies, Gents and NBs please, for the love of god, do not do this to call center reps, we're under enough pressure as is and, unlike your friends and social media followers, we don't have the luxury to excuse ourselves when you put us in uncomfortable situations.

I know the tone of this rant has been on the humorous side but I'm being dead serious when I say we get exposed to homophobia, racism, transphobia, ableism, and misogyny every single day. For those of us that are minorities this does take a huge toll. As a queer person, being held hostage by a client who sees people like us as a fetish he's entitled to objectify and consume can be a devastating experience. Any time you call a service remember the people on the other end of the line are PEOPLE, not your therapists or bottomless vessels for your toxicity. Please don't do this shit to us.

[bonesliketambourines]

Hiya! It's the Festive Fanfic Author Ask! Drop this on or off Anon into the askbox of your favorite authors you'd like to know better: Which one of your own fics do you think feels the most You to you? Which one of your stories would you suggest to read if someone wanted to get the gist of your personality?

Hi there anon!

I got this ask twice, so I’m going to answer it in two somewhat varying ways, if you don’t mind indulging me! I’ve posted part two here.

This was a tough question, and my friends can attest that I panicked and said “what if you don’t have an actual personality and are in fact just a cobbled-together mishmash of every person you’ve ever found cool” when I first got it. But the more I looked at it, the more it made me think, so thank you for that!

First, I’d like to say that a little bit of me goes into every single one of my stories. I can honestly say that out of everything I’ve written (and that will be 50 Drarry works in 2020 once I post my December drabble, can you believe?), none of them were anything less than from the heart. That doesn’t always translate to an excellent fic, of course, that wouldn’t be realistic, but all of them are Me, at least a little bit.

In these asks, though, there are two fics I’m going to highlight, and this part got super wordy so I’m putting it under a cut; thanks to anyone who reads through to the end of my rambles haha.

The first one is just tell me when it’s alright, which was my @hd-wireless 2020 contribution. This was my second major fest fic for the Drarry fandom (and my second major writing attempt in years; I abandoned fanfic and my other fandom in 2012 and just came back to it again in 2019, and didn’t start interacting properly with fandom and writing until 2020), and I poured a lot of time and effort into this fic. It was an idea I’d had for months, but if it weren’t for @tackytigerfic pushing me to sign up for the fest, and the unending support of the friends I’ve made this year, including but not limited to @maesterchill @shealwaysreads and @p1013, it would have lingered forever unfulfilled in my mind.

This was also a pretty major fic for me in that it was written from Harry’s POV. I tend to gravitate to writing from Draco’s eyes (which I’ll address in the second part of this answer), but this story could only have been told from Harry’s perspective, and I was very nervous about that.

I love Harry Potter as a character; I always have. There’s a lot of negative to be said about the source material and the author (let me just stop here to say that TERFs are not feminists, feminism isn’t feminism unless it’s intersectional, and transphobia and any other type of bigotry is not welcome on my blog; I am fallible and make mistakes but I always want to learn, so if I’m saying or doing something wrong please don’t be afraid to message me, and if you don’t agree with my above statements please unfollow me), but the Harry Potter series did so much to enchant an entire generation of kids and get them into reading; its importance really cannot be understated, and it’s doing the series a disservice to minimize its impact.

There was a time in the HP fandom where disliking the character of Harry Potter was sort of en vogue, and I never understood that. Here we have a boy who experienced some of the very worst humanity had to offer, and came out on the other side still brave, and kind, and forgiving, and generous, and good. He was handed the shittiest luck imaginable, and he wasn’t the smartest, or the most magically talented, but because he was able to rise above it all and love he was able to triumph.

As I grow older, as I see more and more of what this world is like, and how the systems of power in both my country and others actually function, I find myself returning to the story of a boy who became a man much too soon, who was given no breaks and provided no quarter, who watched as friends and family alike died around him, and despite it all managed to do good. What a powerful message. What a powerful character. What an incredible example, for a young child growing up in the divisive environment we find ourselves in these days; a fictional hero who won not by strength, or cleverness, or outwitting and othering his enemies, but by love.

So, with all of that, how could I ever write from the perspective of this character?? I’m much better at writing from the eyes of someone who sees and loves Harry, I’d always thought. But again, this story necessitated being told by Harry, and so I had to do it.

I probably spent more time thinking about this fic than I did writing it. I agonized and stressed and worked myself into a lather about how I was going to make it live up to the idea I had in my head. How, I thought, am I ever going to get such an iconic character right?

This Harry has a lot of darkness in him, a lot of sadness that, based on the comments I got, resonated with quite a few people. He’s traumatized, and he’s unaware of many parts of himself because he was never allowed to learn or to grow, and he’s still trying so hard to live up to the idealized image of himself he was confronted with the second he stepped through that archway into Diagon Alley when he was eleven. He’s not straight but he’s not gay, and he doesn’t know how to articulate what he wants or how he feels; and once he does figure it out, once things seem to settle for him, he’s suddenly up against yet another enemy to battle, but this time it’s his own mind.

Depression is an insidious, horrific thing. It slinks into your mind and crushes you down while simultaneously tricking you into thinking you’re not that bad off, and this is normal, and everyone probably feels this way, and who are you to complain after all? It slowly chips away at your joy and your purpose until you’re left surrounded by an uncleaned house and an inability to do anything to right yourself, no matter how much you want to. I don’t think it would be surprising to anyone to know that I’ve dealt with depression for my entire life, back almost as long as I can remember; I struggle with the apathy it presses into me daily, and there are days when, just like the Harry in this story, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t make my home a pleasing, calming place for me to be, and I can’t do anything but dwell on what I’ve done wrong and who I’ve done it to, and how they’re all going to leave.

There were scenes in this story that were incredibly hard to write. There are scenes that I had a hard time re-reading when I went back and revisited this story a few weeks ago. But this, more than anything else I’ve ever written, is the closest I’ve ever come to addressing my own personal demons, to articulating how it feels to be pinned in place by your own brain like that. And truly, Harry Potter himself was the only character I could ever write who would be able to fully embody this particular battle that so many of us face.

This fic has some of the sex scenes I’m most proud of, and some of the character interactions I like the best, but at its core it’s about a young adult adrift in the world, battling with his own brain and doing his best to bring himself some measure of peace and happiness. And for that, as hard as parts of this were to write (and read), I will always be thankful I was given the opportunity to publish this.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you.

[puckinginsane]

I don't think you're meaning to do this, but I wanted to let you know that it's coming off as though you're victimizing yourself and Jamie and not focusing on the real victims, which are trans people. That's why so many people are mad at you and other blogs. That and the fact that a lot of the statements from asks that you're agreeing with come from a heavily uneducated viewpoint. And like I said, I don't think that's your intent. But that is the way it's coming across.

Also I saw a lot of questions about how people knew for sure he liked it because he agrees with it. Jamie follows Candace Owens, or at least did at the time of the incident.

Additionally this isn't the first time Jamie has ruffled some feathers. He made a pretty insensitive joke about keeping who you vote for to yourself in a time where talking about voting and campaigning was crucial, especially so for marginalized groups, trans people most certainly included.

I don't mean to say this to sound rude, but you're really giving Jamie too much credit. He's human before anything else, and humans are pretty fucked up. He isn't some great person to be praised and go without criticism. No hockey player is. Jamie and his fans are not the victim in this situation. Jamie will never be affected by people talking shit about him, and for his cisgender fans such as yourself, you can just hit a block button and decide to ignore issues on transphobia if you want. Trans people are the victim. These issues can't go ignored, and you hurt trans people more than you realize by continuously following him blindly and sticking up for him, when he doesn't even deserve that much. Please take all the effort you've put into defending Jamie and agreeing with this covertly transphobic anons into not only reading up on transphobic issues, especially in sports because there are bills about that being voted on as we speak, but also advocating for trans people and becoming a better ally. Intent doesn't at all matter, you can unintentionally be transphobic, so I'm hoping this ask more than anything helps you better reflect and understand the issue many people are having with what you've posted. You don't even have to post it publicly if you don't want, I don't want you to do that just because you feel obligated. I just ask that you take it to heart and actually reflect on the situation from a different perspective. I know it can be easy to get defensive from a cis person's viewpoint when stuff like this happens, and it can be overwhelming.

So I want this ask to be a reminder to check up on how some trans people feel about this. If you need references, there is catboygretzky and jamesvanriemsdyk, I'm pretty sure sortagaysortahigh made some posts, moritzseider, probably a lot more I'm just blanking. But please don't just circulate the same opinions from cis people, do actually look into this issue a bit deeper than that. I don't think you're doing that intentionally but I think maybe you don't follow enough trans people to see these posts. I'm also pretty sure catboygretzky made a trans blog masterlist back when he addressed transphobia in the hockey community, so that may be worth checking out.

I don't want any of this to come off as rude, not the intent. But I want it to come off as crucial. Piece of shit athletes will still be here at the end of the day. Trans people whose lives are on the line across the nation because of transphobic lawmakers which are heavily supported by Candace Owens might not.

I thought that I would use my day off to come up with the perfect words for the perfect response to this and I'm realizing that it's not possible. People are going to feel the way they feel no matter what I say. I can only be me and I can't control how people perceive me no matter what I say because I am not on their "side", and it's sad that there are sides to this.

A hockey player liked a video and everyone blew it out of proportion. That's how I feel. I'm not saying these issues aren't important but the energy going towards this is going towards the wrong person/people.

I'm certainly not claiming anyone is a victim here because I don't feel like there's been any wrong doing. I DO feel that the harrassment and the bullying that has come out of it is wrong, no matter who is doing it.

I hate that people are hurt. Of course I don't want that. But we can sit here and talk back and forth about who is right and who is wrong and never come to an agreement on anything so I'm not even going to try.

This is the last I'm going to be addressing it. It's enough already.

Also that voting thing was a comment on all of the pictures of people with their I voted stickers and had nothing to do with discouraging people to vote. People always look for reasons to cancel someone and it's sickening. If you wanna sit there and make yourself miserable then go ahead, don't bring others down with you.

And, yeah, I know this message isn't going to come off the way I'd like it to but I can't help that.

I appreciate you coming to me without attacking me and I wish I had better words but I don't.

Any more asks about this will be deleted.

[5typesoftrash]

warning: this is going to be a long post. transphobia and bigotry under the cut

I am posting this rebuttal of a person who got (hilariously) angry at someone who Does Not Care (me) and wrote an entire-ass essay on this post because apparently this is how I spend my time. Defending my identity which does not need to be defended because it is immutable from transphobic trolls who won’t even see it cause they’re blocked from this account.

Anyway. Be careful looking under the cut.

TERFs, gender-crits, radical feminists, transmeds, nb-exclus, anti-mogai, and anyone else whose ideology promotes transphobia and/or trans erasure, please kindly do not fucking touch this post. I am not kidding when I say that I will report you all to tumblr for hate speech if it takes me all fucking night.

Image Description

Two screenshots of a reblog from tumblr user homosexual-means-gay. The post reads:

please tell me how literally every single gay man being repulsed by ppl with vaginas hurts you! tell us why it’s a problem gay ppl aren’t attracted to the opposite sex like straight and bi ppl are!

homosexuality isn’t a political movement it’s a regular natural innate sexuality. gay men aren’t attracted to biological females and it hurts gay ppl when you side with conversion therapists and it hurts bisexual ppl who actually are attracted to both sexes when you erase them for your homophobic agenda. you’re not a victim. you’re happy to eliminate homosexuality from existence as long as you’re able to reinforce heteronormative gender roles the gay community has always opposed. your bigotry harms trans homosexuals too, not that you transhets care about the gay trans ppl either.

erased from history? you want gay ppl correctively raped out of existence bc you love socially constructed gender roles more than human rights. you deserve all the hate you put out into the world. im sorry our innate orientation and culture prove how flimsy and useless the gender roles you define yourself by are, but homophobia will not improve your self esteem. you’re driving away ppl who would be happy to support your made up identity by attacking how we were born same sex attracted. sorry you can’t relate bc you’re straight. sorry you think you can use your privilege against us. but it’s not something we’re doing to you. it’s not something we can change and it’s not something we want to change. there’s never been a gay man in existence who likes pussy, not even the gay trans women like marsha p johnson and sylvia rivera. you’re a sad little straight girl alienating all potential allies.

hurting us doesn’t validate you. it doesn’t hurt you that no gay man will ever like pussy.

End ID

(If someone wants to do a better ID that’s fine, I just wanted to put everyone on an equal playing field when it comes to understanding the content of this post.)

I’m going to go line-by-line and refute every single bullshit thing this person said.

> please tell me how literally every single gay man being repulsed by ppl with vaginas hurts you!

factoid actually just statistical error. TERF Tommy, who has committed multiple transphobic hate crimes, is an outlier and should not have been counted. I know many cis gay men who are attracted to trans men because they are MEN, not because of the genitalia they have. And I know you want to say ‘that makes them bi’, but no, it doesn’t. You want to accuse me of homophobia? Telling another gay person that their identity is invalid just because they express it in a different way than you do is literal homophobia.

>  tell us why it’s a problem gay ppl aren’t attracted to the opposite sex like straight and bi ppl are!

because... some are? And you don’t speak for the entire gay community? Especially not the other side of it, for the opposite binary gender than yours.

>  homosexuality isn’t a political movement it’s a regular natural innate sexuality.

and transness isn’t a political movement either, it is a regular natural and innate gender identity. You know that gender identity is inherent, right? When people say ‘gender is a social construct’ all that means is that it is not a natural thing. Humans created the concept of gender and assigned value to it based on what we could perceive as a means of giving order to the world around us. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t important and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts of it that are inherent to individuals.

>  gay men aren’t attracted to biological females and it hurts gay ppl when you side with conversion therapists and it hurts bisexual ppl who actually are attracted to both sexes when you erase them for your homophobic agenda.

I’m sorry this is literally incoherent. To reiterate: some gay men ARE attracted to assigned females. Yes, siding with conversion therapists hurts gay people. No, I am not siding with conversion therapists. I have never once stated -- in fact, the entire point of my post was the opposite of this -- that anyone should EVER have sexual interactions with a person they don’t want to. Even if the reason for that is because they have a genital preference, which is NOT the same thing as a sexuality.

(I know I’ve been over this before but here it is again. A sexuality is a measure of what GENDER/S you want to have sex with. A genital preference is a measure of what genitalia you are willing to get all up close and personal with. Both are innate, one can be manipulated. They are not the same thing.)

Hurting bisexual people... hey, fellow bis, am I hurting you by *checks notes* existing in time and space?

>  you’re not a victim. you’re happy to eliminate homosexuality from existence as long as you’re able to reinforce heteronormative gender roles the gay community has always opposed.

I am literally A GAY PERSON. Even by YOUR MEASURE I am a victim. And I do NOT want to eliminate homosexuality, I just want people to acknowledge that language evolves and definitions can change as our society does. Also, have you ever met a trans person in real life? Because like 80% of all the trans people I’ve ever known have been gender non-conforming, so like. That invalidates that point. The trans community opposes gender roles as well.

>  your bigotry harms trans homosexuals too, not that you transhets care about the gay trans ppl either.

Please point to where it says I’m straight. Please. I want to see it.

>  erased from history? you want gay ppl correctively raped out of existence bc you love socially constructed gender roles more than human rights.

At this point I’m just repeating myself. Please see the above points for rebuttal.

>  you deserve all the hate you put out into the world. im sorry our innate orientation and culture prove how flimsy and useless the gender roles you define yourself by are, but homophobia will not improve your self esteem.

Says the person berating a minor for *flips notecard over* agreeing with them that people shouldn’t be forced into sex. I’m sorry that you’re so hurt and angry that you have to push your pain onto other people just to feel better. I genuinely am. It makes me so sad to see how much some people are hurting. But I won’t just sit and take this kind of verbal abuse. I don’t deserve it, quite frankly.

>  you’re driving away ppl who would be happy to support your made up identity by attacking how we were born same sex attracted.

I doubt anyone calling it a made-up identity wants to actually support me. Next.

>  sorry you can’t relate bc you’re straight. sorry you think you can use your privilege against us. but it’s not something we’re doing to you. it’s not something we can change and it’s not something we want to change.

Again. I am not straight. I do not have any straight privilege to use against anyone. Even if I was cis I still wouldn’t be straight because I’m aroace and attracted to anyone and everyone. My gender identity isn’t something that I can change, either. And even if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t want to. I love being a man, and I love being a trans man. 

>  there’s never been a gay man in existence who likes pussy, not even the gay trans women like marsha p johnson and sylvia rivera.

I’m sorry, WHAT. Marsha P Johnson and Sylvia Rivera can’t be both gay men and trans lesbians. Which one are they? You gotta pick, babe.

> you’re a sad little straight girl alienating all potential allies. hurting us doesn’t validate you. it doesn’t hurt you that no gay man will ever like pussy.

So am I a transhet or am I a straight girl? Also I’m not sad, I’m quite happy with where I’m at in my life. I do not feel validated by hurting anyone, because I don’t enjoy pain. I’m not masochistic or emotionless, I am in fact hyperempathetic due to my autism, and I don’t like it when anyone is hurt. This can be evidenced by this post here where I wish well upon a group of people who have directly hatecrimed me in the past. 

I will repeat that. I have literal trauma from physical violence as a result of the actions of this group of people, and I am still wishing them good things. 

Nor does it hurt me that ‘no gay man will ever like [AFAB genitalia]’ because this isn’t even a true statement. As I have mentioned previously, I know personally multiple gay men who are attracted to trans men. And reader, please note the fact that this person uses a slang term, a deliberately vulgar one, where in my original post I used the medical term ‘vagina’.

Hope this clears some things up.

TERFs, gender-crits, radical feminists, transmeds, nb-exclus, anti-mogai, and anyone else whose ideology promotes transphobia and/or trans erasure, please kindly STILL do not clown on this post. I am once again not kidding when I say that I will report you all to tumblr for hate speech if it takes me all fucking night.

[bluejaysfeathers]

There’s something that has been on my mind for a while and it’s still not letting me sleep so I want to talk about it a little, and that’s the reasons that Twitch Partner X33N decided to ban me from his community. There’s a few things I want to clarify from the beginning. First, he is not obligated to be my friend, because that’s not how friendship works. If he feels that what I said to his moderator was a betrayal then, well, that’s not what I intended, but I quite literally cannot stop him. Second, this is not about what Karacorvus said. X33N has made it very clear that he doesn’t think her words were transphobic, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. And finally, this is not me accusing him of being transphobic. I fully believe that he has always had good intentions toward the trans/nb community and he has been very apologetic in the past about his difficulty with they/them pronouns. People can not find things transphobic without being transphobes themselves.

So. Depending on where you want to get into it, this story begins two years ago, or a year and a half ago, or last summer, or a month ago. Frankly, thinking about the good times we had and the advice he gave me about my mental health just hurts right now, so I’ll skip over the details, but suffice it to say that this man knew some extremely personal things about me and I trusted him implicitly. Last summer, given the state of the world with the pandemic as well as his perfectly understandable personal stress, his streams shifted away from the focus on the community and mental health as he, in his own words, began to rely on streaming with others to make up the energy. At the time, I tried to bring it up to him and was essentially told that he wasn’t forcing me to watch, and that the focus was shifting due to his energy levels. Before that I had been a dedicated viewer of every stream I could catch, but after that I started skipping a few of the more obviously non-community-focused streams. Which brings us to the last-summer portion of the beginning of this story. I’m starting here because he seems to include it in his reasoning, and because it seems to have colored his view of everything I did since then, including an incident that involved several friends of mine who were not him. Essentially, after a while of seeing that nothing was changing, I messaged a moderator (whose last message to me before this had been “I never reveal my sources”) something along the lines of ‘do you think X33N would even notice if we all didn’t show up one night bc that’s what’s going to happen if he keeps this up.’ (I’m not going back through long deleted dms to find exact wordings). This moderator took my message to X33N without my knowledge. He messaged me, ostensibly to “check in” which made me happier than I care to remember, because at the time I had been struggling as had everyone, and it was nice to think that someone had noticed and cared enough to check on me. But alas, it turned out to be a secret test as to whether I would tell him what I’d said, and when I didn’t do so he viewed that as a betrayal and dishonest. It took some time and communication for that one as it felt like all the honesty I had given him was being tossed aside, but we did talk it out, and as far as I could tell, went back to a slightly bruised but recovering friendship.

This should lead into the aforementioned situation involving people that were not him, but at least one of them would be genuinely endangered by that situation becoming public so I will summarize it as drama, which a mutual friend mentioned to X33N and then brought his reaction to me. His reaction had seemed upset with me, so I reached out to apologize and X33N reassured me that he hadn’t been upset and just wanted to point out to the mutual friend that he knew what was going on. Cut to the next day (or the day after? My sense of time last year was... well, about where everyone’s was) and X33N was asking other mutual friends whether I was leading a conspiracy to get him to add me back on snap (this conspiracy was news to me but whatever) and accusing me of fomenting drama because... honestly this is one of those times where I don’t care to speculate on his motives, he said a lot of things very fast while I was tilted about the snapchat conspiracy and I don’t think I correctly grasped why he was upset with me, but I distinctly remember him bringing up the previous ‘betrayal.’ This was also when I stopped joining in the community among us games, which seemed fine by everyone involved.

All this apparently came to a head about a month(?) ago, when he, karacorvus, and some others were trying a new game. Kara said to one of the other streamers, a man who had seemed perfectly happy with his character model, would he please change his character to a man, etc. There was some uncomfortable laughter, Kara doubled down on her comments, a friend messaged me to tell me they had been uncomfortable with it as well, and I took the problem to a friend of mine who X33N had modded and who I trusted to handle the situation. This mod told me that I had not been the only one uncomfortable, and, when I said that I had been surprised to hear such comments on X33N’s stream pass unchallenged, replied by pointing out that Kara had a big community. I replied with something along the lines of ‘well... there was a time when that wouldn’t have mattered more than his allyship but I guess a lot has fucking changed with his priorities’ and the discussion moved on, seemingly productively, and ended on a friendly “thanks for bringing this to me/no thank you for taking it seriously,” and I didn’t think much more of it, although I did resolve to ask X33N about the whole well she has a big community comment the next day if he seemed in a decent mood. Maybe if I’d talked to him that night things would’ve gone differently, maybe my fate was sealed as soon as I was given the no-win statement of ‘she has a big community’ and put in the position of arguing with a mod or agreeing that X33N would change his mind on his statements of his community being welcoming to all in pursuit of someone else’s community. I’ll never know, I guess, because as I was saying goodnight to my friend X33N messaged me to tell me he was banning me over my pattern of betraying him behind his back. He kicked me from his server and had me blocked before I had even shaken off my shock and confusion- remember, at the time I had no idea what would trigger this, his last words to me had been ‘we totally good yo’ and my conversation with his moderator had seemingly ended amicably. It’s only now, after some very dear friends didn’t buy in to what he said about me in his discord (that I had been sowing discontent among “community memberS” about him “not making a stink” over “comments bluejay felt were insensitive”) that I am able to know that it was that part of that conversation that he was upset by. According to those who spoke with him, it’s not clear that he even knew I said what I did in reaction to his moderator claiming he would let transphobia slide because karacorvus has a big community, and I’m not sure I’ll ever know because the moderator I spoke to also blocked me. Which means that I lost two friends that night, not even counting the multiple people who believed his side of things from his discord without hearing me out. I can’t say that I blame them, I would’ve struggled to believe it myself.

There’s a part of me that still hopes X33N will realize that what I said was the best I could do in response to the situation I was given and reach out, but I kind of doubt it. I messaged him from an alt account, admittedly rather angrily, to ask that he at the very least correct what he said about me in his discord, and he had my alt banned from the server we’d had in common and seemed very sure of his position. As I said, he doesn’t have to be my friend, but I wish that he hadn’t taken such steps to harm my friendships with others from his community, and the fact that he has no obligation doesn’t stop me from missing the parts of our friendship that were good- I know I haven’t really laid them out here, but I was genuinely thankful for whatever power led me to him, and we did have good times. Both the serious mental health kinds and the playful friendly competition in beatsaber kinds, and many in between. I miss him and I hope he one day sees that his friends can bring up issues from his streams with his mods without it being a personal attack on their friendships. But most of all, I hope that by writing all this down it will stop bouncing around in my head.

[homosociallyyours]

Thanks for your answer. It still bothers me a bit because like I said your sexual attractions don't define your moral values. As long as I'm kind to everyone, don't discreminate or bully anyone, who I'm sexually attracted to shoudn't be what defines me. Sex is so low in my list of important things in life that I don't see why I should be judged for not being attracted to some people. What does it mean for asexual people ? 1/2

2/2 I mean just let people be attracted by who they want, as long as they aren't mean to others, I don't see the problem. I understand that saying things like "I'm not attracted by [any type of people]" can be hurtful and shouldn't be said, but that doesn't make bad people. Even if their distaste came from internalized shit, it's their problem and they will work on it, or not. One way or the other, no one should be judged over who they are attracted to, that doesn't define who they are as human.

--------

What I hear from you is that you’re frustrated with the idea that romantic or sexual attraction is an indicator of anything greater than itself and that judging a person based off their attractions is limiting. Also that it’s shitty to make sweeping statements about large groups of people without any thought on the possible nuance of individual lives and situations. 

And I do think the last line of the post does that, though I think reading the notes is really illuminating bc the OP has responded to a quite a few people and spelled things out a bit more (not changing the content so much but being more specific and shifting the tone a bit). Unfortunately tumblr has a very black and white nature, and grey area text posts don’t get as much traction because they’re often lacking an authoritative pov (imo) 

However, this is something that does feel a lot bigger than romantic and sexual attraction for a lot of nonbinary and trans folks, because to say one is not attracted to nonbinary or trans ppl can look/feel a lot like denying the personhood and identity of a nb/trans person. To say “I’m not attracted to nonbinary women” can feel like a dismissal of an important aspect of someone’s identity-- in this case, their womanhood. 

OK, so imagine you have a set of triplets in a room, three women who all share enough genetic material to look a lot alike and were all raised together so that the ways they interact with the world are very similar. One is trans, one cis, and one nonbinary. And if nobody told you who was who, there’s not a way of knowing. Assume they’re all femme, all with shoulder length hair the same color. and like. hospital gowns (unflattering sorry but i’m picturing a hospital). 

Of course you might end up being attracted to only one woman, and it could be the cis woman. And THEN I agree that it’s up to you how you deal with that or not as a deeper issue. 

But if this situation were real (thank god it’s not, this would be an awful scenario irl) and the person choosing was attracted to the nonbinary or trans woman, their options are either: recognize that hey, they maybe *are* attracted to women who aren’t cis sometimes, or to change their mind, saying they’re no longer attracted to the person bc they’re not cis. In which case-- you can be nice to trans folks all the time and generally a totally chill person, but that’s transphobia. 

Is it at the same level as people who dehumanize trans ppl with slurs and violence? No. But it’s still a bias and at the end of the day I do think that it makes it easier for more virulent transphobes to speak out and feel they have an audience. And it definitely makes it harder for nonbinary folks to feel accepted, speaking as someone genderqueer who struggled with it for a long time bc I thought I needed to be masculine of center to be nb.  

ANYWAY i hope that makes sense, and please know I’m not trying to say anything about you as a person. You know yourself, and you’re right that the onus is on you to decide how you feel about your identity and how it relates to other people. But hopefully this kind of explains how it hurts nb and trans folks to exclude them re: sexual and romantic attraction. 

[innuendostudios]

Research Masterpost

This is my research list for The Alt-Right Playbook. It is a living document - I am typically adding sources faster than I am finishing the ones already on it. Notes and links below the list. Also, please note this does not include the hundreds of articles and essays I’ve read that also inform the videos - this is books, reports, and a few documentaries.

Legend: Titles in bold -> finished Titles in italics -> partially finished *** -> livetweeted as part of #IanLivetweetsHisResearch (asterisks will be a link) The book I am currently reading will be marked as such.

Media Manipulation & Disinformation Online, by Alice Marwick and Rebecca Lewis Alternative Influence, by Rebecca Lewis The Authoritarians, by Bob Altemeyer*** Eclipse of Reason, by Max Horkheimer Civility in the Digital Age, by Andrea Weckerle The Origins of Totalitarianism, by Hannah Arendt On Revolution, by Hannah Arendt Don’t Think of an Elephant, by George Lakoff The Shock Doctrine, by Naomi Klein How Propaganda Works, by Jason Stanley*** This is an Uprising, by Mark and Paul Engler Neoreaction a Basilisk, by Elizabeth Sandifer This Nonviolent Stuff'll Get You Killed, by Charles E. Cobb, Jr. Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson Healing from Hate, by Michael Kimmel The Brainwashing of my Dad, doc by Jen Senko On Bullshit, by Harry Frankfurt The Reactionary Mind, by Corey Robin*** Stamped from the Beginning, Ibram X. Kendi Fascism Today, by Shane Burley Indoctrination over Objectivity?, by Marrissa S. Ballard Ur-Fascism, by Umberto Eco Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson Anti-Semite and Jew, by Jean-Paul Sartre Alt-America, by David Neiwert*** The Dictator’s Handbook, by Bruce Bueno de Mesquita & Alastair Smith Terror, Love, and Brainwashing, by Alexandra Stein Kaputt, by Curzio Malaparte The Anatomy of Fascism, by Robert O. Paxton Neoliberalism and the Far Right, by Neil Davidson and Richard Saull Trolls Just Want to Have Fun, by Erin E. Buckels, et al The Entrepreneurial State, by Mariana Mazzucato

Media Manipulation & Disinformation Online, by Alice Marwick and Rebecca Lewis (free: link) A monstrously useful report from Data & Society which- coupled with Samuel R. Delany’s memoir The Motion of Light in Water - formed the backbone of the Mainstreaming video. I barely scratched the surface of how many techniques the Far Right uses to inflate their power and influence. If you feel lost in a sea of Al-Right bullshit, this will at least help you understand how things got the way they are, and maybe help you discern truth from twaddle.

The Authoritarians, by Bob Altemeyer (free: link) (livetweets) A free book full of research from Bob Altemeyer’s decades of study into authoritarianism. Altemeyer writes conversationally, even jovially, peppering what could have been a dense and dry work with dad jokes. I wouldn’t say he’s funny (most dads aren’t), but it makes the book blessedly accessible. If you ever wanted a ton of data demonstrating that authoritarianism is deeply correlated with conservatism, this is the book. One of the most useful resources I’ve consumed so far, heavily influencing the entire series but most directly the video on White Fascism. Even has some suggestions for how to actually change the mind of a reactionary, which is kind of the Holy Grail of LeftTube.

(caveats: there is a point in the book where Altemeyer throws a little shade on George Lakoff, and I feel he slightly - though not egregiously - misrepresents Lakoff’s arguments)

Don’t Think of an Elephant, by George Lakoff An extremely useful book about framing. Delves into the differences between the American Right and Left when it comes to messaging, how liberal politicians tend to have degrees in things like Political Science and Rhetoric, where conservatives far more often have degrees in Marketing. This leads to two different cultures, where liberals have Enlightenment-style beliefs that all  you need is good ideas and conservatives know an idea will only be popular if you know how to sell it. He gets into the nuts and bolts of how to keep control of a narrative, because the truth is only effective if the audience recognizes it as such. Kind of staggering how many Democrats swear by this book while blatantly taking none of its advice. Lakoff has been all over the series since the first proper video.

(caveats: several. Lakoff seemingly believes the main difference between the Right and Left is in our default frames, and that swaying conservatives amounts to little more than finding better ways to make the same arguments. he deeply underestimates the ideological divide between Parties, and some of his advice reads as tips for making debates more pleasant but no more productive. he also makes a passing comparison between conservatism and Islam that means well but is a gross and kinda racist false equivalence)

How Propaganda Works, by Jason Stanley (livetweets) A slog. Many useful concepts, and directly referenced in the White Fascism video. But could have said everything it needed to say in half as many pages. Stanley seems dedicated to framing everything in epistemological terms, not appealing to morality or sentiment, which means huge sections of the book are given over to “proving” democracy is a good thing using only philosophical concepts, when “democracy good” is probably something his readership already accepts. Also has a frustrating tendency to begin every paragraph with a brief summary of the previous paragraph. When he actually talks about, you know, how propaganda works, it’s very useful, and I don’t regret reading it. But I don’t entirely recommend it. Seems written for an imagined PhD review board. Might be better off reading my livetweets.

Neoreaction a Basilisk, by Elizabeth Sandier A trip. Similar to Jason Stanley, Sandifer is dedicated to “disproving” a number of Far Right ideologies - from transphobia to libertarianism to The Singularity - in purely philosophical terms. The difference is, she’s having fun with it. I won’t pretend the title essay - a 140-page mammoth - didn’t lose me several times, and someone had to remind which of its many threads was the thesis. And some stretches are dense, academic writing punctuated with vulgarity and (actually quite clever) jokes, which doesn’t always average out to the playfully heady tone she’s going for. But, still, frequently brilliant and never less than interesting. There is something genuinely cathartic about a book that begins with the premise that we all fear but won’t let ourselves meaningfully consider - that we will lose the fight with the Right and climate change is going to kill us all - and talks about what we can do in that event. I felt I didn’t even have to agree with the premise to feel strangely empowered by it. Informed the White Fascism video’s comments on transphobia as the next frontier of bigotry since failing to prevent marriage equality.

On Bullshit, by Harry Frankfurt Was surprised to find this isn’t properly a book, just a printed essay. Highly relevant passage that helped form my description of 4chan in The Card Says Moops: “What tends to go on in a bull session is that the participants try out various thoughts and attitudes in order to see how it feels to hear themselves saying such things and in order to discover how others respond, without its being assumed that they are committed to what they say: it is understood by everyone in a bull session that the statements people make do not necessarily reveal what they really believe or how they really feel. The main point is to make possible a high level of candor and an experimental or adventuresome approach to the subjects under discussion. Therefore provision is made for enjoying a certain irresponsibility, so that people will be encouraged to convey what is on their minds without too much anxiety that they will be held to it. [paragraph break] Each of the contributors to a bull session relies, in other words, upon a general recognition that what he expresses or says is not to be understood as being what he means wholeheartedly or believes unequivocally to be true. The purpose of the conversation is not to communicate beliefs.”

The Reactionary Mind, by Corey Robin (livetweets) Another freakishly useful book, and the basis for Always a Bigger Fish and The Origins of Conservatism. Jumping into the history of conservative thought, going all the way back to Thomas Hobbes, to stress that conservatism is, and always has been, about preserving social hierarchies and defending the powerful. Robin dissects thinkers who heavily influenced conservatism, from Edmund Burke and Friedrich Nietzsche to Carl Menger and Ayn Rand, and finally concluding with Trump himself. There’s a lot of insight into how the conservative mind works, though precious little comment on what we can do about it, which somewhat robs the book of a conclusion. Still, the way it bounces off of Don’t Think of an Elephant and The Authoritarians really brings the Right into focus.

Fascism Today, by Shane Burley Yet another influence on the White Fascism video. Bit of a mixed bag. The opening gives a proper definition of fascism, which is extremely useful. Then the main stretch delves into the landscape of modern fascism, from Alt-Right to Alt-Lite to neofolk pagans to the Proud Boys and on and on. Sometimes feels overly comprehensive, but insights abound on the intersections of all these belief systems (Burley pointing out that the Alt-Right is, in essence, the gentrification of working-class white nationalists like neo-Nazi skinheads and the KKK was a real eye-opener). But the full title is Fascism Today: What it is and How to End it, and it feels lacking in the second part. Final stretch mostly lists a bunch of efforts to address fascism that already exist, how they’ve historically been effective, and suggestions for getting involved. Precious few new ideas there. And maybe the truth is that we already have all the tools we need to fight fascism and we simply need to employ them, and being told so is just narratively unsatisfying. Or maybe it’s a structural problem with the book, that it doesn’t reveal a core to fascism the way Altemeyer reveals a core to authoritarianism and Robin reveals a core to conservatism, so I don’t come away feeling like I get fascism well enough to fight it. But, also, Burley makes it clear that modern fascism is a rapidly evolving virus, and being told that old ways are still the best ways isn’t very satisfying. If antifascism isn’t evolving at least as rapidly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to win.

(caveats: myriad. for one, Burley repeatedly quotes Angela Nagle’s Kill All Normies, which does not inspire confidence. he also talks about “doxxing fascists” as a viable strategy without going into the differences between “linking a name to a face at a public event” and “hacking someone’s email to publicly reveal their bank information,” where the former is the strategy that fights fascism and the latter is vigilantism that is practiced widely on the Right and only by the worst actors on the Left. finally, the one section where Burley discusses an area I had already thoroughly researched was GamerGate, and he got quite a few facts wrong, which makes me question how accurate all the parts I hadn’t researched were. I don’t want to drive anyone away from the book, because it was still quite useful, but I recommend reading it only in concert with a lot of other sources so you don’t get a skewed perspective.)

Healing from Hate, by Michael Kimmel (Michael Kimmel, it turns out, is a scumbag. This book’s main thesis is that we need to look at violent extremism through the lens of toxic masculinity, so Kimmel’s toxic history with women is massively disappointing. Book itself is, in many ways, good, but, you know, retweets are not endorsement.)

A 4-part examination of how men get into violent extremism through the lens of the organizations that help them get out: EXIT in Germany and Sweden, Life After Hate in the US, and The Quilliam Foundation in Europe and North America. Emphasizing that entry into white nationalism - and, to an extent, jihadism - is less ideological than social. Young men enter these movements out of a need for community, purpose, and a place to put their anger. They feel displaced and mistreated by society - and often, very tangibly, are - and extremism offers a way to prove their manhood. Feelings of emasculation is a major theme. The actual politics of extremism are adopted gradually. They are, in a sense, the price of admission for the community and the sense of purpose. The most successful exit strategies are those that address these feelings of loneliness and emasculation and build social networks outside the movement, and not ones that address ideology first - the ideology tends to wither with the change in environment. The book itself can be a bit repetitive, but these observations are very enlightening.

(caveats: the final chapter on militant Islam is deeply flawed. Kimmel clearly didn’t get as much access to Qulliam as he had to EXIT and Life After Hate, so his data is based far less on direct interviews with counselors and former extremists and much more on other people’s research. despite the chapter stressing that a major source of Muslim alienation is racism, Kimmel focuses uncomfortably much on white voices - the majority of researchers he quotes are white Westerners, and the few interviews he manages are mostly with white converts to Islam rather than Arabs or South Asians. all in all, the research feels thinner, and his claims about militant Islam seem much more conjectural when they don’t read as echos of other people’s opinions.)

Terror, Love and Brainwashing, by Alexandra Stein A look at totalitarian governments and cults through the lens of attachment theory. While not explicitly about the Far Right, it’s interesting to see the overlap between this and Healing from Hate. Stein stresses that the control dynamics she discusses are not exclusive to cults, and are, in fact, the same ones as in abusive relationships; cults are just the most extreme version. So you can see many similar dynamics in Far Right organizations, like the Aryan Nations or the Proud Boys. It’s made me curious how many of these dynamics are in play in the distributed, less controlled environment of online extremism, and makes me want to look further into the subject before drawing conclusions.

(caveats: book is, as with How Propaganda Works, sometimes a slog and rather repetitive. I clocked a 4-page stretch in chapter 8 where Stein did not say a single thing that hadn’t been said multiple times in previous chapters. also, when talking about people coerced into highly-controlled lifestyles, she offhandedly includes “prostitutes” among them? it’s that liberal conflation of sex work and trafficking which is really not cool. this isn’t a major point, just something to notice while you read it.)

Alt-America, by David Neiwert (livetweets) A look at the actual formation of the Alt-Right, and the history that led up to it: the Militia and Patriot movements of the 90′s, the Tea Party, the rise of Alex Jones and Glenn Beck, and so on. Having been steeped in the rhetoric and tactics of the Far Right for so long, someone doing the work of sitting down and putting it all in chronological order is immensely helpful. Generally clear and well-written, too, and would be an easy read if not for how goddamn depressing the content is. Has an unfortunate final 7 pages, where Neiwert starts recommending actual policy. Falls into the usual “have empathetic conversations with genuine conservatives to turn them against the fascist wing taking over their party,” not recognizing the ways in which conservatism is continuous with fascism, nor the ways that trying to appeal to moderate conservatives alienates the people whose rights they deny. Means an extremely valuable book leaves a bad taste in the final stretch, but everything up to then is aces.

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

There’s a post that’s been bothering me for literally four years. It managed to somehow be both homophobic and transphobic and the (very popular) social justice blogger who made it never got any serious blowback. I’m going to post a screencap of it here, but I won’t say who it’s from because it was four years ago. What I will say is that as far as I know, they have never addressed it or apologized despite having been asked more than once, never did anything about all the people in the notes using it as a reason to be homophobic, and that they are still a pretty popular, well regarded blog.

This post was made in response to part of an old conversation that got dragged up. It was one of those things that’s like, maybe this was okay, maybe it wasn’t, depending on the context, which I’ve never been able to find. The person who originally pulled it up was a transphobe who was talking about “biological sex,” so I don’t trust their judgment or intentions, but a broken clock is right twice a day, so it’s possible that something actually homophobic was said. I haven’t posted it here because that would just be taking it out of context again and as OP has pointed out, that isn’t helpful. Here’s the part of their response that deals with monosexuals and making assumptions about people’s gender. The rest of the post talked about why taking the comment out of context didn’t accurately represent their feelings and how the conversation had also been about biphobia and bi erasure, and that’s all fine.

It starts out fine (making assumptions about someone’s gender and anatomy based on their appearance is cissexist and we should all try not to do it), but it turns into “and I don’t do that because I’m bisexual.” Which like, you’re a cis woman so yes you fucking do. I’m nonbinary and I still do it sometimes. And then there’s that line at the end about how gay and straight people’s orientations are based on assumptions about people’s gender and anatomy. 

I’ll note that they were talking about monosexuals, which includes lesbians, gay men, and all straight people and was also read like it was directed at people who were doing it out of ignorance rather than malice, so this post was not specifically about terfs and isn’t really applicable to them at all because they know exactly what they’re doing. Terfs were also considered just as bad in 2015 as they are now, so if that comment had been about terfs, they could have said that and it would have gotten them off the hook with the people who were calling them out in good faith.

They then wrote out a longer explanation about what their current feelings were on the subject. This is broken up into two images just because it was too long to screencap at once. I haven’t removed anything. The first post and second reblog are the OP:

They later edited the post twice--once to specify that they were only talking about cis monosexuals and once to add “and sometimes also bi and pan people do this too,” which did little to address the fact that this post was literally claiming that being gay or straight was inherently problematic and that bi and pan people were automatically less transphobic by virtue of their sexual orientation and just ended up implying that it’s only okay to be gay if you’re trans (because I guess that means you’re woke enough to stop yourself from being attracted to people on sight?). Here’s 

Four years ago, I wasn’t really able to articulate a response that cut to the root of why this post bothered me so much more than any other homophobic or transphobic bullshit and to navigate around the fact that there are parts of it that I genuinely agree with (most of the stuff about anatomy), but I’m older and more practiced now, so here we go.

This post is based on a number of incorrect assumptions:

That gay people can’t find someone they’re not attracted to aesthetically pleasing to look at

That gay people are, across the board, only attracted to certain genitalia and base their sexual orientations off that

That gay people’s thoughts immediately jump to sex the first time they’re attracted to someone

That the only way to be bi is to be attracted to every gender

That gay people base their assumptions about people’s gender on whether they’re attracted to them

That still being willing to have sex with someone after finding out you were wrong about their gender makes your assumption less transphobic

They were not willing to listen to any of the gay people in their notes trying to explain to them that this isn’t actually how being gay works at all or any of the bi, pan, or trans people who called them out for being way out of their lane. The only person they responded to at all was a trans lesbian who pointed out that they hadn’t ever specified that they were only talking about cis gay people (that person also pointed out several ways in which the post was homophobic, none of which were addressed beyond “that’s not what I meant”). 

Basically, the thesis statement here is, “Gay people’s attraction is based solely around sex and genitals and none of them are attracted to trans people, but bi and pan people are attracted to everyone so we don’t make as many assumptions about people’s gender, and when we do it’s less problematic.” Which is obviously very false for multiple reasons. 

I’m going to go through all of these assumptions and talk about the underlying thought processes underpinning them and how they’re even more insidious than they seem on the surface. 

1. Gay people can’t find someone they’re not attracted to aesthetically pleasing to look at

This is actually one of the more benign assumptions and what it really comes down to is not understanding that thinking, “That person is hot” isn’t the same thing as thinking, “I would be interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with that person” (which also isn’t necessarily the same thing as thinking “I would be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with that person” but this post completely ignores that romance might be part of being gay--we’ll get to that later). It’s really just a fundamental misunderstanding about what sexual attraction is and how it works. 

2. Gay people are, across the board, only attracted to certain genitalia 

The obvious thought process underlying this attitude is that you have to be attracted to women in some capacity to want to date and trans man and vice versa for trans women. There are two possible assumptions that could be causing this. The first is that all gay people (and all straight people) are transphobic and only care about genitalia. The second is that a trans man who hasn’t had bottom surgery isn’t really enough of a man for someone who’s only attracted to men to want to have sex with him, and the same for trans women. You’re either being homophobic or transphobic here. 

In fact, what it really reveals about OP is that, regardless of their self-righteousness on this topic, they are the one equating being attracted to women with being attracted to vaginas and being attracted to men with being attracted to penises. That’s not to say that there isn’t a transphobia problem in gay communities, but the implication here is that these are the objective definitions of being a lesbian and a gay man respectively. There are definitely cis lesbians who date trans women and cis gay men who date trans men. 

OP assigned a transphobic, incorrect definition to gay people and then based a lot of their argument on that. We see this a lot in ace discourse (”it means not wanting to fuck”) and in bi vs pan discourse (”it excludes nonbinary people”). It would be a problem if it was true, but it’s not, and while there are people who ascribe to that definition, those people wrong. There are lots cissexist bi and pan people who equate gender and genitalia until told otherwise, and it’s not less transphobic when they do it. It’s a transphobia problem, not a being gay problem.

3. Gay people’s thoughts immediately jump to sex as soon as they’re attracted to someone

So this is just blatant sexualization of gay people, and it really explains a lot of about the first two assumptions. Being gay is all about sex, so if you’re gay, you can’t possibly think someone is hot without immediately thinking about what they look like naked and how you want to have sex with them. And of course because being gay is all about what kind of sex you want to have, your attraction must be defined by the genitalia of your partners. 

It should go without saying that this is really homophobic. Even for gay aros, this isn’t how it works. I guess I can understand how if you’re equally attracted to everyone, you might not understand how gender plays a roll in attraction outside of thinking about sex, but it does, and that you don’t get it doesn’t excuse this. It just means you shouldn’t have been talking about it.

4. The only way to be bi is to be attracted to every gender

 There are a couple of assumptions that could be underlying this. The possibility that’s most charitable to OP is that they are attracted to every gender and assume that that’s the only way to be bi. This is the only option that avoids exorsexism, but it is biphobic. 

The second possibility is an assumption that nonbinary people don’t exist. Therefore, the only way to be bi is to be attracted to both men and women. This is extremely exorsexist for obvious reasons. 

The third is a little more complicated, but it’s basically an assumption that being attracted to nonbinary people doesn’t, on it’s own, make someone bi. So, a person acknowledges that nonbinary people exist but basically thinks that either, because nonbinary people span so many identities, it’s impossible to be attracted to them if you’re not attracted to everyone. So a bi woman who’s attracted to nonbinary people and women shouldn’t exist because some nonbinary people identify so close to being a man that you couldn’t be attracted to them if you weren’t attracted to men. This is where the fetishization argument that a lot of exlusionists use comes from (I’m not saying that OP is an exclusionist, this is just the underlying ideology they use), and it ignore the fact that identifying as being attracted to women and nonbinary people doesn’t mean you’re attracted to ALL women and nonbinary people. It just means you can be attracted to women and nonbinary people.

Another possible mindset underlying that assumption is that if you aren’t attracted to everyone, the nonbinary people you’re attracted to must be so close as to be indistinguishable from whatever binary gender you’re attracted to, and therefore don’t count as being a different gender. That mindset stems from not thinking aboit nonbinary genders as being as legitimate or meaningful as binary genders and from seeing nonbinary people as basically whatever binary gender you think they’re closest to (”If you’re a bi woman who is attracted to men and nonbinary people, you’re really straight because your nonbinary partner looks like/acts like/is basically a man”). This is again exorsexist for reasons that should be obvious. 

5. Gay people base their assumptions about people’s gender on whether they’re attracted to them

This is the assumption that gay people go: 

I’m attracted to this person -> They must be a man/woman

rather than

I think this person is a man/woman -> I’m attracted to them

This frames gay people’s attraction as the reason the assumption about someone else’s gender is being made, and not the fact that we were all raised in a cissexist society. It’s also lets cis bi and pan people completely off the hook cissexism. If gay people’s assumptions about other people’s gender is caused by or is somehow made worse being attracted to them, then bi and pan people should be basically immune because they’re attracted to everyone (according to OP).

The mindset underlying this assumption is that there are people that you are innately attracted to and gay people are just attempting to shape their sexual orientation around their best guess at who those people are. Therefore, everyone is... I don’t know, varying degrees of bi I guess?... and gay people (and straight people) are just the transphobes who assume they know what everyone’s gender is, while bi and pan people are enlightened enough to realize they don’t. OP claimed in the notes that they weren’t saying monosexual orientations don’t exist, but if the point your making is that monosexual orientations are based solely around an assumption that’s probably wrong, then that is what you’re saying. And they definitely didn’t correct the first reblogger, who was unequivocally saying that.

It completely ignores the probability that a person’s attraction would disappear after finding out the person’s gender was actually not compatible with their sexual orientation, or the possibility that a gay person might know someone at least well enough to have some idea of what their gender is before becoming sexual attracted to them (because, as we’ve covered, just thinking someone is hot isn’t the same as attraction, and many gay people aren’t fantasizing about sex with complete strangers). Unless we’re talking about a closeted trans person, you usually don’t have to know someone that well to know what their gender is.

Shocker: most assumptions about people’s gender are made because they “look like” one of the binary genders, have certain secondary sex characteristics, have a traditionally masculine or feminine name, use he/him or she/her pronouns, or have a certain gender marker on their driver’s license. These are all things that bi and pan people are equally susceptible to. 

6. Still being willing to have sex with someone after finding out you were wrong about their gender makes your assumption less transphobic

It super doesn’t. You still made the assumption. Framing it this way implies that transphobia is all about whether you would be willing to have sex with a trans person. I shouldn’t need to explain why that’s bad.

In conclusion

I want to mention that OP clarified that they weren’t try to say that everyone is bi in a reblog, but if that’s genuinely true then... I honestly don’t know how this post made sense to them. The point is either “people only think they’re gay or straight because they’re making assumptions about other people’s genders” OR “gay people want to have sex with strangers and that’s problematic (but it’s fine if a bi or pan person does it).” Which is a great example of someone setting a standard that requires huge changes from others but none from them and then getting self-righteous because other people don’t meet it (surprise surprise, the post I was referencing when I brought this up yesterday was from the same OP). 

Anyway, regardless of which is true, it’s wrong. This post is homophobic, transphobic, and also erases a lot of bi experiences, and I still can’t believe that so many people just let this go unchecked when it happened.

mod k

Note: I better not catch a single one of you using this post as an excuse to be biphobic. 

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Thirty Nine

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

August 4th, 2019

Dee was terrified, and he couldn’t say a thing. He had gotten out of bed to ask Dad or Ami if he could have a glass of water, because he couldn’t sleep, but when he got to the master bedroom’s door, he heard hissed arguments.

He shouldn’t have stayed to listen. It was impolite to eavesdrop. But Dee was curious, so he stood to the side of the door and strained his ears to catch the words.

“I don’t care what she says, Remy, I’m not letting her see Dee again!”

“Emile, I know you’re mad, but we finally found her, and even if we press charges, shouldn’t Dee have a proper goodbye?”

“No! She had that opportunity and she abused it! I’m not letting Dee see his mother one last time before she gets arrested!”

Dee’s eyes widened and he nearly dropped Fangs. He scurried back to his room, curling up on his bed. What...? Dad and Ami had found Mama? And they didn’t tell him? Did they not trust him to not run back to her? Or were they just worried about what she might say to him?

...If they didn’t tell him this, what else didn’t they tell him?

December 10th, 2019

Dee signed to Lucy, who was watching him from the monkey bars. She laughed and dropped to the ground when she lost her grip from laughing too hard at one of Dee’s jokes. He grinned, and she walked over to him, pouting. “Come on, Dee, I was about to get all the way across!”

Shrugging, he continued to grin. “It was a funny joke! I didn’t want to forget it!” he signed in his defense.

Lucy shook her head with a grin. “Whatever, I can always try again,” she said.

As she made her way back to the ladder that lead up to the monkey bars, James shoved her. “Outta my way!” he snapped. He ran up to Dee and jumped to a stop in front of him, causing Dee to flinch. “I know you can hear, freak, so why don’t you talk?”

Dee crossed his arms and glared at James. He had been picking on Dee at recess whenever he could since the beginning of the year. But Dee didn’t intend on even giving him the time of day. James was a jerk, and Dee hated jerks. Instead, he walked around James and over to Lucy, signing, “Are you okay?”

She brushed woodchips off her hands and jeans and nodded. “I’m fine, just a little startled.”

Dee nodded. James stalked over and shoved him. “Hey, freak, I asked you a question!”

“He’s not a freak!” Lucy exclaimed. “He’s selectively mute!”

“What would you know?” James sneered.

“More than you!” Lucy growled. “Dee’s my best friend! Of course I know more about him than you!”

“Whatever,” James sneered. “I don’t wanna talk to anyone who’s friends with the freak!”

Dee glared and signed, “I don’t wanna talk to you either.”

James frowned, and Dee grinned. James didn’t know sign language, he couldn’t understand what Dee was saying. “What did he say?”

Lucy smiled sweetly. “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me or Dee?”

“Tell me what he said!” James demanded.

“No!” Lucy said, crossing her arms.

James balled his hands into fists and brought one back behind his head. Dee’s eyes widened and he pushed Lucy out of the way before she could get hit, and he got punched instead. His lip throbbed, and he spat out one of his teeth into the palm of his hand. “I’ve been waiting for that one to go for a while,” he muttered. “Lucy, look!”

Lucy stared at him in shock. “Dee, he knocked your teeth out!”

Dee shrugged, sticking the tooth in his coat pocket and zipping the pocket up. “Yeah, but it was loose anyway,” he signed.

Lucy stood up, staring at him, which Dee was sure must have been a sight, blood dribbling down his chin and one of his front teeth missing. Then, she turned, cheeks bright red, to James. She cussed him out, before taking a swing herself. Dee’s eyes widened and he wrapped his arms around her waist, trying to pull her away from James. Unfortunately, some of James’ friends saw the commotion, and came over. It was three against two, and Dee was looking around for a teacher, but all he saw were kids rushing over, chanting “Fight! Fight! Fight!” like a war cry.

Dee tried to hold Lucy back, but she broke free and lunged at James again, only to have one of his friends kick her and shove her to the ground. Dee turned red and screeched his displeasure, rushing over and taking a swing at the boy. He kept his thumb over his bottom knuckles like Logan taught him, and the boy’s head snapped to the side upon impact. He toppled to the ground. Dee turned to James’ other friend, who quickly backed away into the crowd of kids.

When he turned to James, he was kicked in the shins. Dee hissed like a snake, baring his teeth, and James backed up in surprise. “Break it up!” one of the teachers yelled, running over. She grabbed Dee by the shoulder and put a hand on James’ chest. “That’s enough! All four of you, to the principal’s office! Now!”

Dee huffed, helping Lucy to her feet and letting the teacher lead him to the principal’s office, head held high. James glared at him from the other side of the teacher, and his friend tried to lunge for Dee in revenge, only to have the teacher grab him and say, “Really, Troy?”

“He hit me first!” James exclaimed.

“No I didn’t!” Dee signed. “He tried to hit Lucy!”

“I don’t care who hit who first,” the teacher growled. “All of you will be talking to the principal.”

“James knocked one of Dee’s teeth out!” Lucy exclaimed. “Are you gonna let him get away with that?!”

The teacher sighed and wrangled all four of them into the office, before knocking on the principal’s door. James used the distraction to suckerpunch Dee in the stomach. The air left his mouth in a whoosh and he couldn’t get it back. He gaped like a fish out of water, gasping for breath.

“James!” the teacher admonished, offering Dee a hand as she also pushed James away from Dee. “That’s enough!”

Dee climbed to his feet by himself and tried to breathe again, forcing air through his nose and out his mouth. He felt like retching, but he wouldn’t give James the satisfaction. When the principal opened the door and took a look at all of them, he sighed. “Of course,” he said, like they got called into the office all the time. “Come in, you four. Thank you, Misses Smith.”

The teacher left and the four kids walked into the principal’s office. “Your brother was in here near the end of last year in a similar situation, Deagan,” Mister Gardener said. “I suppose you’re going to say that the fight which clearly occurred wasn’t your fault?”

“It wasn’t his fault!” Lucy exclaimed. “James called him a freak! James took the first swing! Dee did nothing wrong!”

“Miss Blye, let Deagan speak for himself,” Mister Gardener said.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Dee insisted. “And don’t call me Deagan, please.”

“Deagan, use your words, not your hands,” the principal said, with that infuriatingly patronizing voice setting Dee’s teeth on edge.

“He hit me first!” James exclaimed. “Lucy’s lying, and Deagan has problems with his anger all the time!”

Dee rolled his eyes and scoffed. “I’m not an idiot,” he signed at James. “Not like you, at any rate.”

“James, that’s enough. Deagan, use your words. We all want to know what you have to say.”

Dee gave him a withering glare and crossed his arms, but Mister Gardener would not be moved. “I’m autistic, not a moron,” he informed Mister Gardener, trying to put venom in his voice. “James doesn’t agree with me. He calls me a freak and makes fun of me for signing. I was signing to Lucy, and to him, and Lucy refused to translate for him, because he was being mean to both of us. So he tried to hit her. I pushed her out of the way, he knocked out one of my teeth,” Dee pulled down his lower lip to point at the gap between his teeth, “And I punched him back. Sure, I shouldn’t have done that, but he started it by calling me a freak.”

Mister Gardener pinched the bridge of his nose. “And Troy?”

“Kicked Lucy in the stomach. So I slugged him,” Dee said with a shrug and a shameless grin. “You seem surprised, Mister Gardener. I don’t know why you are. You’re the one who tried to insist I go to the school for the ‘emotionally disturbed’ kids because there I could get ‘accommodations’ and you wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

Lucy blinked. “You speak really well, Dee.”

“I really don’t,” Dee said, turning to her. “I don’t know tone, and I can’t use it right. My vocabulary’s good, but nothing else is.”

Lucy shrugged. “I hope they don’t take away your translator,” she said simply. “Sorry for dragging you into this.”

Dee shrugged. “I’m just glad you didn’t get hit as much,” he signed sincerely.

“I will be informing your parents of your behavior, of course,” Mister Gardener said, picking up the phone. “I don’t doubt what you said is true, because Deagan is certainly not able to lie that well,” oh, if only he knew the irony of that statement, “But you’re all in trouble for fighting, instead of using your words.”

Lucy held her head high and James and Troy protested, but Dee’s blood ran cold. What were Dad and Ami going to think of him now? Would they think he was a bad person? After all, he didn’t hit back in self-defence, he hit because he was angry. Would they want to get rid of him, like Mama did? Would they send him back to Mama? He didn’t know. And that terrified him.

Slowly, everyone’s parents came to pick their kids up, and everyone was given two days suspension for their actions. Dee’s translator came in once recess would have been over, and she talked with Lucy’s parents to help Mister Gardener. But Dad and Ami didn’t show up for a while.

When Troy had just been picked up, Dee was waiting with his stuff in the office and Dad rushed in. “Dee?! I’m so sorry, I was with a patient and I couldn’t leave, and Ami got tied up at the coffee shop. Are you okay?”

Dee nodded, pulling his tooth out of his pocket. “I lost a tooth,” he said.

Dad frowned, confused. “Okay? Why did the principal call?”

“Probably because James is the one who punched me hard enough to knock it out,” Dee said with a shrug. “I’m suspended for two days for hitting him and Troy back.”

Dad shook his head. “You hit back?” he asked.

“James was aiming for Lucy. I got in the way,” Dee said. “Do you think the tooth fairy will still take a tooth if it’s bloody?”

“I don’t think she’ll be picky,” Dad said with a laugh. “Do I need to talk to the principal?”

Dee nodded. “And then can we go home?”

“Yeah.” Dad squeezed Dee’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you for sticking up for your best friend.”

Dee let Dad go into the principal’s office, and when he came back out, he led Dee to the van. Dee played with the zipper on his jacket. “Dad, you’re not gonna send me away, right?” he signed.

“Of course not. Why would you ask?” Dad responded without missing a beat.

“I was a bad person,” Dee signed. “I know that you found Mama. I know you didn’t let me see her because you thought she was a bad person. I thought you just...didn’t want bad people in your life.”

Dad stared at him, before crouching down to his level. “Dee, I didn’t let you see your mom when we found her because I was worried she would hurt you more. Not because she was a bad person. I didn’t want you to see her once, and then never again, and be retraumatized. You’re not a bad person for defending your friend, either. You were trying to make sure that the bullies didn’t come after you again. I’m proud of you for that.”

Dee took a breath. “The principal forced me to talk,” he signed. “I hated it.”

Dad winced. “I’m really sorry, Dee. You know we’d never do that to you, though, right? We’d never force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and we wouldn’t kick you out over anything.”

Dee stared. “Why?” he asked.

“Because you’re family, Dee,” Emile said. “No matter whether or not you ‘fit in,’ you’re part of our family, and we take care of our own, no matter what.”

Dee blinked. He knew that Dad and Ami loved him, on some abstract level, but he didn’t realize that he was part of the family, no matter if he fit in with the others or not. He saw the family as Dad, Ami, his brothers, and then him, like an afterthought. But he wasn’t an afterthought. Not to Dad, not to Ami. He smiled. He was family. And that meant he fit in well enough, just being himself.

Dad smiled back. “Ready to go home?”

Dee nodded. Home. With family. He didn’t realize how much he wanted that until he realized that he had it all along.

[nerdygaymormon]

I wish I could just fade away from existence. Just stop being. Life, I feel, is too hard at the moment. My church community hates me because Im trans and bi. My queer community can often be racist. My cultural/ethnic community often hate me because I’m queer (Im indigenous to my country and Italian). All these communities can be incredibly anti fat and anti disability of which I am both. It feels like no mater where I go people hate me just for being me. (1/2)

And then when I die I go to hell according to my bishop. I came out to my stake president because my dad told me to. He told me that I’ll most likely have to face disciplinary actions because the church doesn’t allow trans people (even though I haven’t done anything medically). I don’t understand why God made me like this if I’m so wrong? I’ve tried to change for years and I can’t, and now I can’t even be a member of my various communities. I just want to disappear into nothingness. (2/2)

————————————————————— 

I hear you. I recognize the pain you’re feeling.

My initial reaction to reading this is “what a strong person.”

Other people have been beating you up. Your own thoughts have been against you to the point you don’t see good in yourself. Youcontacted me to say you don’t have any hope.

This is the opposite of giving up, this is saying that “staying alive is really hard, please give me something to help me fight, some hope I can use to stay alive.”

That’s strength and endurance!

————————————————————— 

As your friend, I’m recommending you find a way to meet with a mental health expert.

Wishing you were dead is a form of suicide ideation. Therapy can help you with this. They can also diagnose if you’re depressed. Counseling can help with internalized transphobia/biphobia, with negative feelings & thoughts associated withyour disability.

————————————————————— 

I want to address each of the statements you made because I want to counter the negative messages in them. 

“My church community hates me because I’m trans and bi.”

There may be some at church who feel that way. I think the truth is your church community doesn’t know what to make of you. You don’t fit in their doctrine. Their doctrine needs to expand.

Another part of their doctrine is love. Their response should be to love you, even if they don’t understand.

————————————————————— 

“My queer community can often be racist.”

This is true. And people like to dismiss that criticism by saying it’s just their preference.

I’m not sure where you live, but many countries have racism embedded in their culture, and then it seeps over into the queer community as well.

As much as queer people know what it’s like to be dismissed and rejected over something they didn’t choose, you’d think we’d be better at identifying with andembracing other groups who face discrimination rather than perpetuate it.

————————————————————— 

“My cultural/ethnic community often hate me because I’m queer.”

Cultures like to tell stories about themselves and see themselvesportrayed in a particular way. People like to see themselves and theirancestors as heroic or noble.

Since straight people are the majority, it’stheir stories that get told. If they’re a minority group embedded in a larger culture, they cling to their myths all the more tightly.

I’ve been to Italy, there are gay clubs, even in little Verona where I stayed for a week. Cultures adapt and change and ex-pat communities often are frozen in how things were.

There is also a history of queer people among indigenous peoples but their stories are not the ones you hear.

If your cultural and ethnic communities hate you because you’re queer, either they don’t know their own history. or it’s time for them to be better and for their community to progress.

————————————————————— 

“All these communities can be incredibly anti fat and anti disability.”

Agreed. That is true of the general society and it permeates down into the sub-cultures.

—————————————————————

“It feels like no matter where I go people hate me just for being me.”

I’m so sorry that this is your experience. One thing I can say is that as you get older and have more control over your decisions and life, you also get more control over who you associate with.

Queer people often have to build their own families and support networks because we don’t find what weneed in the communities that we’re a part of.

————————————————————— 

“when I die I go to hell according to my bishop”

I don’t believe that. You shouldn’t either.

Your bishopis way off base. Even the notorious Elder Oaks says there’s a kingdom of glory waiting for you.

————————————————————— 

“I’ll most likely face disciplinary actions because the church doesn’t allow trans people.”

I disagree.

I have access to the church handbooks for leaders. The only thing punishable about being trans is “elective transsexual surgery.” That’s it! Everything else is within bounds.

Your bishop or stake president may not like if you start wearing clothes that match thegender you identify with or ask people to call you by a new name or use the restroom that corresponds with your gender, but those are not actions that bring discipline.

————————————————————— 

“I don’t understand why God made me like this if I’m so wrong?”

You think God sees you as wrong? I don’t.

You can get an assurance that God loves you quite separate from anything a bishop or anyone else in church may say. We like to say that we’re children of Heavenly Parents. Think of that. Do parents love their children? Even if they’re overweight? Even if they have a disability? Even if this or that? YES!

Why did God make you this way? I don’t know.

But I think of the story in John 9:2 when the disciples ask, “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?”

In verse 3 “Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

Jesus came to be a light to the world and this blind man was there to demonstrate it. We in the church, in the queer community, in society, have a lot to learn from your experience. You help us to see the light.

—————————————————————

I’m going to share something very personal with you. Last October I felt Igot a message from God. I want to share part of it with you. 

“I sent you, and you agreed, to find my children who aretender and hurting. You are who I send to them. You are who affirms them and helps them with their hurting. Experiencing pain, rejection and disappointments prepared you for this. The need is so great and you have so much love to give.”

My pain, my sorrows, my years in the closet struggling to accept myself, that’s what prepared me to help others. My experience helped shape me to be kind, empathetic, gentle, affirming, and able to see when others arehurting. 

I imagine like the blind man in the New Testament, you are going to be a tool to help others. Just by being you, others are forced to recognize their prejudices. They have to make a choice about how to treat you. You help them to be better people.

————————————————————— 

I know it’s hard. I know it’s unfair. I know people want you to fit into a mold that doesn’t work for you. Trying to meet expectations of others in an attempt to fit in is a lot of work.

As you figure out what works for you, you have to draw boundaries. You have to choose to disassociate with certain people or communities. You have to look after yourself, and that includes cutting the toxic out of your life. You may not be able to do all of it now. Bit by bit your life will improve.

Charting your own path is work, but will be so rewarding.

You know why people value 4-leaf clovers? Because they’re rarer and different from the more common 3-leaf clover. You are a rare combination of traits. Just because some people can’t see the treasure you are, don’t give up on yourself.

In the movies, people who are different often aren’t treated well in the beginning of the film, but usually at the end they’re the ones who come and save the day. Maybe you’re a superhero in development!

[deciduess]

I think this is called a Peak Trans™ moment?

❌ LeSbOpHoBeS dO nOT iNtErAcT ❌

If you have a problem with this post, please see my bio before privately messaging me or reblogging. Thanks.

🌸

🌸

🌸

I need to vent about something.

A couple of weeks ago, a leftist Instagram account I followed posted these photos:

As a lesbian, I disagree with this post. The account in question encourages discourse, so I decided to comment on it. I’ll be referring to the account as “OP”.

I typed my original comment into my Notes app before sending it, which is the only reason I can share it with you (OP blocked me). It read as follows:

As a lesbian, I don’t think I’d date a trans person because I want a woman who can understand the experience of being socialized as female. I have a lot of trauma with regards to how I was born and socialized. Only other AFAB women will be able to relate to that— even if they haven’t been assaulted (or otherwise experienced what I have). Plus, as a cis person, there’s no way for me to understand the trans experience, so I think there’d be a huge rift between a trans girlfriend and I. I don’t think I’d be able to soothe her or relate to her deeply if she told me about trauma she has as a result of being trans in this society. Of course, trans people don’t usually say that they’ll ONLY date other trans people, but I think they have every right to have that preference.

Unfortunately, I cannot screenshot the rest of the thread, as I’m blocked. The thread isn’t visible to unblocked accounts either.

I will do my best to summarize the rest of the conversation.

Now, both of the people who responded to me were incredibly rude. They insulted me quite a few times, but I can’t remember exactly how they phrased everything, so I’ll just be summarizing their arguments-- minus the attitude. It’s important to note their abusive language, however, because it’s part of the reason this conversation affected me so negatively.

OP: You sound like a TERF. Also, I’ve never heard of a trans person who will only date other trans people. Sounds like a straw man just to excuse your transphobia. And how can you say that trans women aren’t socialized as women?

Me: No, trans women aren’t socialized as female. That’s what makes them trans as opposed to cis, right? They were assigned and socialized as male.

People with vaginas have to deal with much higher rates of sexual harassment and assault even in childhood. And we have to see ourselves assaulted again and again and again when we read the news, watch TV, or read books/comics. I’ve been called weak, unintelligent, and overall inferior all my life due to how I was born. Trans men can relate to this, but trans women cannot. All of this starts early— even before we’re born (I mean, look at gender reveal parties: “guns or glitter”).

OP: So what you’re saying is: trans women are men. Trans people are assaulted too. You’re making a blanket statement about all trans women [when you say they can’t understand female oppression/socialization]. What if a trans woman transitioned at a very young age?

*I decided to ignore OP’s question because... it’s fucking stupid lmfao. You can’t transition in the womb, and you certainly couldn’t consent to that as a baby.

Me: What?? I didn’t say that. You’re putting words into my mouth. Trans women are women, but they have different experiences than cis women.

I know that trans people are assaulted at higher rates than cis people, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that people with vaginas make up the vast majority of victims.

OP: That’s exactly what you’re saying. So, trans women have male privilege, huh? Just admit you’re transphobic and go. Now, answer the FUCKING question.

*I know I said I wasn’t going to convey the tone of these messages, but… wow. Males have told me to “answer the FUCKING question” several times in my life, so that got to me. Males literally can’t act like human beings. The fact that OP is just like any other male no matter how “they” identify is so evident here.

**Now, a trans “woman” starts attacking me. “She” replied to me three times, I think. But I don’t remember how the replies fit into the conversation, and “she” kept repeating “herself”. So, I’m just going to summarize all of that in this one comment.

Trans “Woman”: I’ve been female-socialized and harassed ever since I transitioned at age 16. Also, I’ve been called weak and unintelligent all my life, but thanks for assuming otherwise.

*At this point, I’m getting irritated by these two constantly misconstruing what I’m saying and denying my experiences. So, unfortunately, I use a passive-aggressive emoji. I also use two question marks instead of one. I’m not proud of that, but keep in mind, these two had been complete asshats to me this entire time.

I was so tired at this point. I was sharing my trauma (which isn’t easy for me to talk about,,,,), and I was being so nice. I was trying so hard to center them even though I was talking about my trauma. I didn’t understand why they weren’t reciprocating my energy.

Me: @trans”woman” I’ve been called ‘weak’ and ‘unintelligent’ because I have a vagina. It’s a little different. 🙃

@OP Wait, do you guys think that sex-based oppression doesn’t exist? Like, do you think trans men have the same privilege as cis men??

*OP doesn’t respond for a while. The trans “woman” never responds, either. Finally, OP replies…

OP: You know what? I think I’m just going to block you.

Anddd, that’s why I can’t include screenshots of the interaction on this post. I was kind of relieved that I didn’t have to deal with two MALES shitting on me anymore, though. 🙃🙃🙃

🌸

🌸

🌸

I grew up in a conservative household, but I’ve been a leftist ever since I was a late-teen. Since getting closer to adulthood, I’ve leaned far left on most issues before even reading other leftists’ opinions on the matters. Over the years, though, I’ve been a cetrist on a few topics.

Usually, this is because I don’t have all the information I need. So, when I notice that I disagree with the majority of leftists on something, I read more about it, and I read their opinions. I almost always end up agreeing with the leftist majority opinion on any given topic.

There are only two major issues I haven’t agreed with most leftists on yet: gun rights and trans rights. Leftists support the Second Amendment... I see both sides. I’m beginning to lean pro-Second Amendment, but that has happened before, so it could happen again. I’m not going to elaborate on this because this post isn’t about that.

When it comes to trans rights, I have NEVER understood the popular leftist opinion. I have been trying for years to understand trans people better. But in the end, my opinion has just been, “Well, I don’t have to understand your identity in order to support it and use your pronouns. Your identity isn’t hurting anybody, and no one should hurt you over your identity.” I still agree with that sentiment. I will still use trans people’s pronouns. I still want them to be safe.

But I’m done accommodating them at my expense. And if you’re a shithead to me, I don’t see a problem with putting your pronouns in quotes and referring to you as “males” instead of “AMABs” in a tumblr post that you’ll never see lmfao. It’s been so liberating to disrespect you (on a post you’ll never see) half as much as you disrespected me (to my face).

TRA’s have excluded AFAB women and trivialized their problems so much. Every single post about AFAB women is derailed (”whuttabout trans women???” “don’t you mean people with vaginas?????”). TRA’s suggest that there are no female-only experiences and sex-based oppression does not exist.

I’ve had many concerns with the Trans Rights Movement for years. But I’ve tried to understand. I wanted to actively support trans people. I didn’t want to merely use their preferred pronouns and tolerate them. I’ve followed TRA’s and read what they have to say...

But the Trans Rights Movement just,,, doesn’t,,,, make,,,,,, sense. This conversation sent me over the edge. I don’t care about understanding trans people anymore. If I can’t understand them in half a decade, I don’t think I ever will. Clearly, to these people, including trans “women” means excluding cis women. You’re trans-exclusionary if you talk about cis women’s experiences or issues. You’re trans-exclusionary if you say that trans “women” and cis women are different (unless it’s to say that trans “women” are superior/prettier or more oppressed).

🌸

Now that I don’t care about trans feelings anymore, I’m going to address the conversation from two weeks ago without sugar-coating anything.

Trans “women” will never have the same experiences as cis women.

I will not date a trans “woman” because I NEED someone who can understand the very specific trauma and physical pain of a female assault victim. I NEED my partner to be able to relate to being constantly berated and belittled in all forms of media— even when I try to relax or distract myself, I am constantly reminded that males hate me and think I’m a worthless incubator/dishwasher.

Two weeks ago, I was not concerned enough about the physical differences between trans “women” and cis women. But now, I think it’s a good time to discuss that, too.

It’s perfectly okay to not want to date a trans person because of their genitals.

Even after a trans “woman” has SRS, “her vagina” is NOT a female vagina. It is not self-cleaning. It has no muscles. It smells PUTRID. Neovaginas are repulsive, and they do NOT look like actual vaginas. A neovagina is the physical manifestation of a male’s soul: it’s a disgusting, smelly, functionless hole that is trying to emulate the natural divinity of a woman.

🌸

Now, I’d like to specifically address those two males:

Thank you guys for demonstrating my point that males can NEVER understand the female experience. :)

Thanks for proving that I’ll never be able to open up to males about my SA trauma. Males will always say that they have it worse and/or pretend that what happened to you has NOTHING to do with the fact that you have a vagina. If you’re vulnerable with them, they will stomp all over you. Males only care about themselves, even if they “identify” as women. :)

I would never be able to be in a relationship with someone that constantly belittles my feelings like this.

Also, to the trans “woman” who alleges “she’s” been ~“socialized as a woman”~ since the age of sixteen: no the fuck you haven’t. If you’d been socialized as female, you would be exceedingly nice to me, even if I spoke to YOU in the same way YOU spoke to ME. You would be super apologetic for stating your feelings and standing up for yourself. No matter how illogical you found my arguments, you’d still TRY to understand me because that’s the compassionate thing to do. If you were socialized as female, you’d put OTHERS’ feelings above your own.

But you haven’t been socialized as female. You’re just like every other MALE. You SPEAK OVER a female victim of sexual assault and pretend that YOU’RE more of an expert on HER OWN experiences than SHE is.

You tell women they’re not allowed to have boundaries or preferences. You have absolutely no compassion or humanity. You’re a MALE, AND you’re MALE-SOCIALIZED, and it fucking shows. You’re a disgusting, ignorant, unsympathetic brat that always needs to be coddled— just like every other male.

Also, yes, OP, all males have male privilege. Including trans “women.”

🌸

Two weeks ago, I had deluded myself into saying, “trans women are women.”

But the truth is, trans “women” are not women.

I’m attracted to women. I will never be attracted to a trans “woman.” I’m not sorry. It’s okay if other lesbians are attracted to trans “women,” but my lesbian identity does not include trans “women”. I don’t care if that’s politically incorrect. That’s MY sexuality.

I cannot change my sexuality, and I don’t want to. I love cis women. No male will ever be as strong, intelligent, poignant, or divine as a cis woman. A woman is born with all of these traits.

🌸

I’m certainly transphobic now-- that is quite evident. And I was also transphobic two weeks ago, even though I was trying to unlearn my transphobia. But nothing that I said to this person was transphobic. It’s literally fine to not want to date a trans person. A lesbian is not oppressing you by not wanting to date you lmfao. I openly admit that I am transphobic, but this is not the reason. I will not try to understand why my sexuality is “wrong.”

I’ve stayed out of TERF circles for years, even though TERF posts can be so informative, relatable, and comforting. Thanks to this experience, I’m gonna go ahead and follow whoever tf I want. I'm grateful that this interaction has caused me to start prioritizing my feelings and my rights.

Honestly, trans “women” deserve to be excluded. Males deserve to be excluded. Idgaf about how that makes you feel anymore. You don’t give a shit about how I feel. And you don’t feel guilty when you exclude real women.

[cornelisdemooij]

Innuendo Studios Research Masterpost - With More Links

This is my research list for The Alt-Right Playbook. It is a living document - I am typically adding sources faster than I am finishing the ones already on it. Notes and links below the list. Also, please note this does not include the hundreds of articles and essays I’ve read that also inform the videos - this is books, reports, and a few documentaries. Legend: Titles in bold -> finished Titles in italics -> partially finished *** -> livetweeted as part of #IanLivetweetsHisResearch (asterisks will be a link) The book I am currently reading will be marked as such. Media Manipulation & Disinformation Online, by Alice Marwick and Rebecca Lewis Alternative Influence, by Rebecca Lewis The Authoritarians, by Bob Altemeyer*** Eclipse of Reason, by Max Horkheimer Civility in the Digital Age, by Andrea Weckerle The Origins of Totalitarianism, by Hannah Arendt On Revolution, by Hannah Arendt Don’t Think of an Elephant, by George Lakoff The Shock Doctrine, by Naomi Klein How Propaganda Works, by Jason Stanley*** This is an Uprising, by Mark and Paul Engler Neoreaction a Basilisk, by Elizabeth Sandifer (Patreon) This Nonviolent Stuff’ll Get You Killed, by Charles E. Cobb, Jr. Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson Healing from Hate, by Michael Kimmel The Brainwashing of my Dad, documentary by Jen Senko On Bullshit, by Harry Frankfurt The Reactionary Mind, by Corey Robin*** Stamped from the Beginning, Ibram X. Kendi Fascism Today, by Shane Burley Indoctrination over Objectivity?, by Marrissa S. Ballard Ur-Fascism, by Umberto Eco Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson Anti-Semite and Jew, by Jean-Paul Sartre Alt-America, by David Neiwert The Dictator’s Handbook, by Bruce Bueno de Mesquita & Alastair Smith Terror, Love, and Brainwashing, by Alexandra Stein <- (currently reading) Kaputt, by Curzio Malaparte The Motion of Light in Water, by Samuel R. Delany Media Manipulation & Disinformation Online, by Alice Marwick and Rebecca Lewis (free: link) A monstrously useful report from Data & Society which- coupled with Samuel R. Delany’s memoir The Motion of Light in Water - formed the backbone of the Mainstreaming video. I barely scratched the surface of how many techniques the Far Right uses to inflate their power and influence. If you feel lost in a sea of Alt-Right bullshit, this will at least help you understand how things got the way they are, and maybe help you discern truth from twaddle. The Authoritarians, by Bob Altemeyer (free: link) (livetweets) A free book full of research from Bob Altemeyer’s decades of study into authoritarianism. Altemeyer writes conversationally, even jovially, peppering what could have been a dense and dry work with dad jokes. I wouldn’t say he’s funny (most dads aren’t), but it makes the book blessedly accessible. If you ever wanted a ton of data demonstrating that authoritarianism is deeply correlated with conservatism, this is the book. One of the most useful resources I’ve consumed so far, heavily influencing the entire series but most directly the video on White Fascism. Even has some suggestions for how to actually change the mind of a reactionary, which is kind of the Holy Grail of LeftTube. (caveats: there is a point in the book where Altemeyer throws a little shade on George Lakoff, and I feel he slightly - though not egregiously - misrepresents Lakoff’s arguments) Don’t Think of an Elephant, by George Lakoff An extremely useful book about framing. Delves into the differences between the American Right and Left when it comes to messaging, how liberal politicians tend to have degrees in things like Political Science and Rhetoric, where conservatives far more often have degrees in Marketing. This leads to two different cultures, where liberals have Enlightenment-style beliefs that all you need is good ideas and conservatives know an idea will only be popular if you know how to sell it. He gets into the nuts and bolts of how to keep control of a narrative, because the truth is only effective if the audience recognizes it as such. Kind of staggering how many Democrats swear by this book while blatantly taking none of its advice. Lakoff has been all over the series since the first proper video. (caveats: several. Lakoff seemingly believes the main difference between the Right and Left is in our default frames, and that swaying conservatives amounts to little more than finding better ways to make the same arguments. he deeply underestimates the ideological divide between Parties, and some of his advice reads as tips for making debates more pleasant but no more productive. he also makes a passing comparison between conservatism and Islam that means well but is a gross and kinda racist false equivalence) How Propaganda Works, by Jason Stanley (livetweets) A slog. Many useful concepts, and directly referenced in the White Fascism video. But could have said everything it needed to say in half as many pages. Stanley seems dedicated to framing everything in epistemological terms, not appealing to morality or sentiment, which means huge sections of the book are given over to “proving” democracy is a good thing using only philosophical concepts, when “democracy good” is probably something his readership already accepts. Also has a frustrating tendency to begin every paragraph with a brief summary of the previous paragraph. When he actually talks about, you know, how propaganda works, it’s very useful, and I don’t regret reading it. But I don’t entirely recommend it. Seems written for an imagined PhD review board. Might be better off reading my livetweets. Neoreaction a Basilisk, by Elizabeth Sandifer (Patreon) A trip. Similar to Jason Stanley, Sandifer is dedicated to “disproving” a number of Far Right ideologies - from transphobia to libertarianism to The Singularity - in purely philosophical terms. The difference is, she’s having fun with it. I won’t pretend the title essay - a 140-page mammoth - didn’t lose me several times, and someone had to remind which of its many threads was the thesis. And some stretches are dense, academic writing punctuated with vulgarity and (actually quite clever) jokes, which doesn’t always average out to the playfully heady tone she’s going for. But, still, frequently brilliant and never less than interesting. There is something genuinely cathartic about a book that begins with the premise that we all fear but won’t let ourselves meaningfully consider - that we will lose the fight with the Right and climate change is going to kill us all - and talks about what we can do in that event. I felt I didn’t even have to agree with the premise to feel strangely empowered by it. Informed the White Fascism video’s comments on transphobia as the next frontier of bigotry since failing to prevent marriage equality. On Bullshit, by Harry Frankfurt Was surprised to find this isn’t properly a book, just a printed essay. Highly relevant passage that helped form my description of 4chan in The Card Says Moops: “What tends to go on in a bull session is that the participants try out various thoughts and attitudes in order to see how it feels to hear themselves saying such things and in order to discover how others respond, without its being assumed that they are committed to what they say: it is understood by everyone in a bull session that the statements people make do not necessarily reveal what they really believe or how they really feel. The main point is to make possible a high level of candor and an experimental or adventuresome approach to the subjects under discussion. Therefore provision is made for enjoying a certain irresponsibility, so that people will be encouraged to convey what is on their minds without too much anxiety that they will be held to it. [paragraph break] Each of the contributors to a bull session relies, in other words, upon a general recognition that what he expresses or says is not to be understood as being what he means wholeheartedly or believes unequivocally to be true. The purpose of the conversation is not to communicate beliefs.” The Reactionary Mind, by Corey Robin (livetweets) Another freakishly useful book, and the basis for Always a Bigger Fish and The Origins of Conservatism. Jumping into the history of conservative thought, going all the way back to Thomas Hobbes, to stress that conservatism is, and always has been, about preserving social hierarchies and defending the powerful. Robin dissects thinkers who heavily influenced conservatism, from Edmund Burke and Friedrich Nietzsche to Carl Menger and Ayn Rand, and finally concluding with Trump himself. There’s a lot of insight into how the conservative mind works, though precious little comment on what we can do about it, which somewhat robs the book of a conclusion. Still, the way it bounces off of Don’t Think of an Elephant and The Authoritarians really brings the Right into focus. Fascism Today, by Shane Burley Yet another influence on the White Fascism video. Bit of a mixed bag. The opening gives a proper definition of fascism, which is extremely useful. Then the main stretch delves into the landscape of modern fascism, from Alt-Right to Alt-Lite to neofolk pagans to the Proud Boys and on and on. Sometimes feels overly comprehensive, but insights abound on the intersections of all these belief systems (Burley pointing out that the Alt-Right is, in essence, the gentrification of working-class white nationalists like neo-Nazi skinheads and the KKK was a real eye-opener). But the full title is Fascism Today: What it is and How to End it, and it feels lacking in the second part. Final stretch mostly lists a bunch of efforts to address fascism that already exist, how they’ve historically been effective, and suggestions for getting involved. Precious few new ideas there. And maybe the truth is that we already have all the tools we need to fight fascism and we simply need to employ them, and being told so is just narratively unsatisfying. Or maybe it’s a structural problem with the book, that it doesn’t reveal a core to fascism the way Altemeyer reveals a core to authoritarianism and Robin reveals a core to conservatism, so I don’t come away feeling like I get fascism well enough to fight it. But, also, Burley makes it clear that modern fascism is a rapidly evolving virus, and being told that old ways are still the best ways isn’t very satisfying. If antifascism isn’t evolving at least as rapidly, it doesn’t seem like we’re going to win. (caveats: myriad. For one, Burley repeatedly quotes Angela Nagle’s Kill All Normies, which does not inspire confidence. He also talks about “doxxing fascists” as a viable strategy without going into the differences between “linking a name to a face at a public event” and “hacking someone’s email to publicly reveal their bank information,” where the former is the strategy that fights fascism and the latter is vigilantism that is practiced widely on the Right and only by the worst actors on the Left. Finally, the one section where Burley discusses an area I had already thoroughly researched was GamerGate, and he got quite a few facts wrong, which makes me question how accurate all the parts I hadn’t researched were. I don’t want to drive anyone away from the book, because it was still quite useful, but I recommend reading it only in concert with a lot of other sources so you don’t get a skewed perspective.) Healing from Hate, by Michael Kimmel (Michael Kimmel, it turns out, is a scumbag. This book’s main thesis is that we need to look at violent extremism through the lens of toxic masculinity, so Kimmel’s toxic history with women is massively disappointing. Book itself is, in many ways, good, but, you know, retweets are not endorsement.) A 4-part examination of how men get into violent extremism through the lens of the organizations that help them get out: EXIT in Germany and Sweden, Life After Hate in the US, and The Quilliam Foundation in Europe and North America. Emphasizing that entry into white nationalism - and, to an extent, jihadism - is less ideological than social. Young men enter these movements out of a need for community, purpose, and a place to put their anger. They feel displaced and mistreated by society - and often, very tangibly, are - and extremism offers a way to prove their manhood. Feelings of emasculation is a major theme. The actual politics of extremism are adopted gradually. They are, in a sense, the price of admission for the community and the sense of purpose. The most successful exit strategies are those that address these feelings of loneliness and emasculation and build social networks outside the movement, and not ones that address ideology first - the ideology tends to wither with the change in environment. The book itself can be a bit repetitive, but these observations are very enlightening. (caveats: the final chapter on militant Islam is deeply flawed. Kimmel clearly didn’t get as much access to Qulliam as he had to EXIT and Life After Hate, so his data is based far less on direct interviews with counselors and former extremists and much more on other people’s research. despite the chapter stressing that a major source of Muslim alienation is racism, Kimmel focuses uncomfortably much on white voices - the majority of researchers he quotes are white Westerners, and the few interviews he manages are mostly with white converts to Islam rather than Arabs or South Asians. all in all, the research feels thinner, and his claims about militant Islam seem much more conjectural when they don’t read as echos of other people’s opinions.)

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

Proven Innocent Season 1 Episode 8

Trigger warning: This issue deals with trans issues, transphobia, and homophobia, as well as historical GLBT+ issues.

We kick this episode off with Madeline and Bodie walking down a street in the gay district. Bodie calls out to tell a couple of drag queens that they look fabulous, and they instantly recognize Madeline. She's apparently some sort of GLBT+ icon in the community, and when she was released from jail, they all had a party in her honor.

Madeline asks for directions from them, and Madeline and Bodie continue on to their destination... after Madeline stops to take a selfie with them.

They go to a law firm, where a man tells them about his trans client who was convicted of having killed another trans woman in the 80's. The jail doesn't want to provide her with hormone treatments anymore, and during the fight to get that back for her, the lawyer discovered that the amount of hormones in the blood found at the crime scene (that had originally put her in jail) didn't match from somebody who'd been on treatments for the past decade.

Easy and Madeline go talk to the lady in prison, but she doesn't exactly want to get out. She says that all of her friends and family are dead now. She then states a statistic that 40% of the trans community ends up dead by either violence or suicide, which is the highest out of any community out there. (And nobody would sit back and let this happen if it was literally any other group.) She only just wants her medications.

Meanwhile, Violet has her own subplot this episode. She brings over some podcast host from some other podcast, and they talk about making podcasts. He's actually a big fan of her podcast. After doing the recording, he invites her to dinner.

She goes thinking that it's a date, but it turns out that it's a job offer instead. He wants her to do this big new podcast... but it would be a full-time job, and she'd need to move to New York. He urges her to think about it.

He comes back to her at the end of the episode, but she says that she's already living her dream working for the law firm in Chicago. She might not actually be a laywer, but she's one of the people who helps find the important information that brings the actual criminals to justice and frees the wrongfully convicted. He kind of implies that she's making a mistake and leaves. Bodie then comes in to cheer her up, and says that she wouldn't have Bodie in New York. (And I'm not sure if I ship this or not?)

And now for the Bellow's/Levi/Isabel subplot: Bellows contemplates the new campaign signs that were printed up. The one with him standing before Lady Liberty gets him and his new campaign manager talking about Madeline Scott. And oh my god, why is everybody so fucking obsessed with Madeline? The manager implies that Bellows should look for new evidence in the Scott case that would put Madeline away for good, so that she'd stop being a thorn in his side.

He later calls Isabel into his office and asks what she's learned about Levi. She admits that Levi kind of keeps to himself in meetings, but she'll see what she can do about getting more information from him.

Later, she's crying in the empty meeting room when Levi comes in. He obviously asks her what's wrong, and she spins some sob story about how everything just feels so... sad. He offers to make her less sad. Which ends up with them at a bar. Isabel goes out of her way to get him drunk, and he eventually tells her something that he probably shouldn't have: that before Rosemary's body was found, but everybody was looking for her, Madeline just kind of stood there and did nothing. He described her as acting “stoned”.

Isabel obviously reports this to Bellows. Bellows is pleased with this information, because it implies that Madeline might have been the one to actually have killed Rosemary. (The previous theory was that Levi had killed Rosemary while Madeline helped her brother during or after the fact.) Although, at the same time... just because he has a new theory doesn't mean that this is enough evidence to reopen the actual case. Furthermore, Madeline's complete lack of action does not make her guilty. (This is going back to a previous episode about 911 tapes; you sound too hysterical and the jury hates you. You don't sound emotional enough and the jury hates you.)

This'll probably be relevant in future episodes, but this is the Bellow's subplot for now.

Anyway, back to the main case. Easy and Madeline talk about their latest client, and the fact that she's refusing their legal help. And it's not that they think that she's innocent... it's just that they can't do anything unless she gives them the okay. Madeline eventually says that they need to give their client hope. But they need to do a bit more digging into this, too.

They go to a gay bar that was open back when the murder took place, and the bar tender happened to have known both ladies. He talks briefly about the exclusion from safe places that the GLBT+ crowd faced from the 80s and earlier, and insists that the bar was inclusive towards everybody, even trans people. (It wasn't usually the case back then, unfortunately.) He goes on to say that a lot of openly trans/cross-dressing people would be picked up by the police simply because they looked like they were prostitutes. As you might imagine, this happened a lot to the victim. However, he also mentions that the victim was attacked on a couple different times by various closeted men who wanted to be with her. So there's another possible story of what happened right there.

They go back to speak with their client. Madeline gives her usual grand speech about wanting to help people like she herself was helped out of jail. The client agrees that she'd like to be out of jail.

They go to court to have the verdict put aside because of the new evidence about the client's blood. However, since the blood sample is long gone by now, the judge denies this, but lets them have the records from the original case. Which the judge points out was likely Madeline's plan all along.

However, rather than to just give them their client's case work, they give like all of the case work. From like that year. But this leads them to discover that another trans woman was arrested at the same time and place and by the same officer as their client.

Bodie is able to track this woman down to being the current owner of a drag queen bar. So they all go there, where we're subjected to a queen putting on a show for an ungodly amount of time. (And I'm not saying that she wasn't great, but let's get back to the actual plot now, shall we? Time and place, man. Time and place.)

They find the owner, and the lady who was also arrested at the same time. She says that a lot of “non-passing” trans folk couldn't get jobs in the clubs, so they often had to turn to the streets to make a living. The victim had a lot of sugar daddies, and had just broken up with one a short time before her murder. She gives them the guy's name.

As they're leaving the area, Bodie is wearing a rainbow feather boa and loudly singing with Violet. (And to be fair, some of the things he does kind of makes him a little bit odd to begin with.) Some guys drive by, and attack Bodie. The police show up, but it's painfully obvious that they don't give a flying shit about anything that happens in this neighborhood... if you catch my drift. Easy is angry because the police are refusing to do literally anything, and then they get angry with HIM just for trying to stand up for Bodie.

Madeline first tries calling the guy at his work, but he quickly tells her not to contact him again about that, and hangs up. She and Easy then go down to his office to talk to him. He's angry and upset over the entire thing, and is also worried about being outed. Especially to his children and grandchildren. He tells them that his wife died of cancer two years earlier. (This is mildly important for later.) He eventually tells them that he was in New York the night of her murder, and that he was the one who'd done the breaking up with, not the other way around. Easy seems to think that he's lying.

However, the guy sends his credit card statements from nearly 40 years ago, and it proves that he did buy a plane ticket. But there's a window of opportunity where he could have killed the victim and still gotten onto the plane. But then they also notice a hospital bill from two days after the murder... he could have hurt himself when he'd killed the victim, and then went to the hospital when his wound didn't heal.

And finally... Bodie then provides old newspaper articles from the gay bartender which directly contradicts his earlier statements about his bar being 100% inclusive to EVERYBODY in the GLBT+ community. So he's also now a suspect.

When the judge refuses to give them a warrant to look at the medical records, they instead go talk to the bar owner instead. He gives some awfully shitty excuse of “that's just how things were back then. We didn't want to be under the suspicion from the police.” Although he did have a friendly relationship with the victim, (the kids these days would call them “Frenemies”), but said that she was his “sister in arms”, and that he would never kill her. Easy believes the guy, which puts them back at needing to look at the sugar daddy's medical records. Violet then offers up an idea, but refuses to tell them since it's less than legal. Madeline and Easy pretend like they didn't hear her say that and leave.

Violet then goes to the hospital in question with a warrant, but says that it's for John Smith, but the warrant is actually for Jane Doe. She then bribes the clerk with coffee and a doughnut in exchange for him getting the records. But by mistake, he brings out the guy's wife's medical records, since they had the same first initial. Buuuuttt...

They all go back to court, where Madeline questions the sugar daddy. He refuses to talk about his relationship with the victim. Madeline asks what blood type he is, but it's not the same that's found at the scene. However, Madeline asks what blood type his wife had, but he honestly didn't know. It's the same as that found at the scene.

Madeline prompts him if his wife killed the victim. He eventually answers that he came back from New York to find his wife covered in the victim's blood. She'd found out about her husband's affair, somehow or another tracked the poor lady down, and attacked her.

With this new information, the judge instantly says that the client is free to go, because she's innocent.

Sometime later, Madeline visits her former flame in prison. They make out for a while, which is only possible because the girlfriend does things to keep the guards off her back. However, she mentions that there's a good chance she could be paroled soon. Madeline is obviously happy for her, but the girlfriend, not so much. She asks Madeline if Madeline could really see them being together on the outside, doing normal couple stuff like going home for family dinners and hanging out with Madeline's friends. Madeline says yes, but the girlfriend is still apprehensive.

Later, everybody gathers at the gay bar to celebrate the client's freedom. However, she mainly just sits at the bar and looks at the wall of historical GLBT+ photos... especially the one of the victim, her friend. The bartender tells her that everything is going to be okay.

Madeline steps outside to call her mom. She then says that she's bisexual and that she's dating a girl. The mother hesitates for a  moment, before asking when Madeline is going to bring her around to meet the family. Madeline then drops an even bigger bombshell and says that her girlfriend is in prison. Which is way more upsetting, for some reason. (Ah yes, the shitty parents who like to desperate pretend like their children weren't in jail for 10 years...)

The episode ends with a short montage of footage of GLBT+ protests, both past and present.