#...I say I'm probably going to rework this because I truly did not know how to incorporate the crown

[emiplayzmc]

Made a logo for the Bad End Friends fandom last night for fun just because- Probably gonna change and edit it as time goes on but just thought I'd share this, :D

[queen--kenobi]

Hi, I'm the anon who said about table sex. I made some criticism which you took the wrong way, your friends butted in and said nasty stuff to me, and I said nasty stuff back. It just escalated out of control.

If you were more humble then maybe you would see I was merely offering feedback. I did point out the good qualities of your fic.

Someone then took my anon identity and roleplayed as me on someone's blog saying I rode my ex on my parents coffee table. It's actually not me. The table incident I spoke about involved my husband and the dining table. Without going into detail, it was awkward, uncomfortable and impossible. People who say otherwise are lying. Unless you try it then you don't know. RL is not like fanfic.

I am feeling very lonely and low just now, enough to contemplate what the point of existence. Then I see your ridiculous table sex challenge and I am crying. You just keep making a fool out of me. You're obviously not a popular blog so you're now milking your five seconds of fame at my expense just to get attention. This is even worse when people hated on me for saying blood and cheese needed to happen and they deserved it. And I stand by that. Daemon did what he had to do.

I am still really upset not that you care. I felt guilty at upsetting you but not now. You're rude arrogant and vain. Your friends reblog your fic with out reading. That's why no comment nearly or reviews. Your story sounds like a turtle tried to write it and then gave up. You probably use AI. Your a bad writer and an even worse person. Your beta should be locked up in English jail they are the worst betas I have ever seen. You're a huge turd and I absolutely despise you. Never speak to me again Percy

Okay so, I had to take a minute to sit down and think about my response. This is actually going to be my last response because we're at the point where nothing productive is going to come of this

I did acknowledge your criticism in the first anon you sent to me. Is that fic perfect? No. As I said, I'm probably going to rework that fic. But a lot of your points were just... Not valid? One of them was but the rest were obviously to try and hurt my feelings

And you truly expect me to believe someone just took your anon identity? Like sure, yeah, they could have. But I doubt it. It sounds like a cop out

Also, love how you try to act like you're the victim but then add that last paragraph. Bestie, it's giving "I didn't really mean what I said"

And yk what? It's not arrogant and vain if I can back it up. Tbh if you genuinely think I'm that way you have not been paying attention and/or haven't ever actually bothered to talk to me

Also you're the one that came back! If you don't want to speak to me, quit coming into my house!

But

To get serious for a minute. You do not know me, and I do not know you. To put your mental health on a stranger is irresponsible, especially when you make it sound like you're going to hurt yourself. I am not responsible for what you do. You are responsible for your own actions, not me. If you are truly suicidal or wanting to hurt yourself, please. Get off the internet and find a professional to talk to. I'm not saying that to be funny. I am saying that as genuine life advice

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 11

oh my god

i had already guessed that Alec was lying (much like Jake did), but this was a really nice explanatory touch! Alec and Riya's friendship is, as usual, one of the season highlights for me.

would've been a lot more interesting if the campers could have chosen their own partners in one way or another, imo, but that would definitely eat up a lot of time in an already packed episode. plus, some pairings (like Connor and Riya) probably couldn't have happened this way, given how Riya wound up reacting to Connor.

"alright Fiore, here's how we prevent you from going home this week," one could say.

i was SO worried that Alec was going to have another confessional at some point being like "lol i was testing my acting skills on Fiore too" but he DIDN'T. which means this is CANON. THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!

okay, i actually love the decision to pair Hunter and Grett together here. both of them are the "very flawed but kinda mistreated partner of their appearances-obsessed date," so it makes sense that Hunter could give Grett a good perspective on this. also, is it just me, or did they rework Hunter's personality in this episode to be more like S2? i liked it.

i'm going to put every Fiore and Alec moment in this post and you can't stop me. i am initially thinking about them.

"joke's on you fucker i didn't teach her literally any of this. she's just built different."

as much as i enjoy Alec appreciating his daughter's sass, this does seem like a pretty radical heel turn from "i only voted Connor out of this game because it was what was best for him." i guess maybe spending time with Riya and the other villains has caused Alec to fall further off the deep end/forget about Connor's genuinely nice qualities...? or it's inconsistency between different writers, who knows.

i am 0% a jul(?) shipper, but, damn, the jul shippers were eating well this episode.

Yul is such an interesting little guy.

James flexing his character arc, we love to see it.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE CYAN WOMEN AND SECRETLY BEING JACKED????

society..... it's becoming more utopian........

see, this is why i didn't think Tess would be the one to return to the game.

Aiden is such a hater, i love him. but, overall, i agree with Lake. we're definitely sowing the seeds for a Jake redemption(/winner?) arc and a heroes' reunion.

Riya, finally finishing what she started in S2 of making the gays fall off cliffs.

villains are so fun. i love villains.

THE SOFT DAD SMILE IS BACK :D

ooh, nice callback.

this is an objectively funny screenshot. why does Alec yell like that

what a surprising outcome! (/s /lh)

:,) <3

i wish Aiden and James had more of an opportunity to talk during this episode :/ it's fine, though-- i think that James and Lake's characters were used more effectively this way.

they're getting back together after this trust me guys i'm disventure camp

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

they truly are family now. i love it.

"not that bad" is a weird way to describe your would-be crush.

this will be a fun scene! idk which episode "Saturday" will be, though. both because idk how many days will pass in any given episode and also bc i don't recall which day today is in canon.

i do wonder what evil Gabby is doing here. i guess maybe it'll just be the side of Gabby that wants to run with the villains alliance for power vs the side that wants to follow Ellie's advice? that seems kind of weird. maybe it'll be more like the side that wants to go mad with power on the revenge quest vs Gabby's more rational and strategic side? either way, strange cliffhanger.

can't we just have everyone here... always... all the time...? no? okay :( well, it was still really nice to get the whole gang back together for this episode. i'll look forward to seeing them again in the finale.

and, hey, Connor's back in the game now! and he can't be eliminated next episode, at least. are there going to be three players with immunity...? that could get spicy. we'll see how the heroes and villains smack down when the next real elimination rolls around. back up to ten to nine again... see you next time!

[coralpolyp]

I'm not dead!

Hey look here's a redraw of the really terrible bit of digital art I did for last year's Mar13 day as proof! Apparently I didn't even finish the first one on time! Yikes!

I'm well aware that it's been a minute or two since I last posted anything on here or on AO3 - to be more precise, it's been since Splatoon 1 died and I wrote that 8000 word depressing thing - I don't know why 8000 words always seems to be my sweet spot, but it's good to know that I have one. That being said, and with Side Order: Dark Side Mix currently MIA, I thought it'd be a good idea to to have what it is that I'm doing right now on-record in some capacity, for the one or two people who were wondering.

The next few weeks are exam season, so I don't think it's going to be smooth sailing per se, but Dark Side Mix will be completed. After running into a snag with the opening act - namely with the fact that it sucks - I started reworking the entire fic from top to bottom under a new name...and then I lost motivation to do that because perfectionism set in, and I haven't really touched it in a little while.

In the time that I've been away from it, I feel like I've become increasingly aware of how that perfectionism negatively effects me and my work - namely the fact that very little of it actually exists. I mean, sure, people seem to like the stuff that does exist, but there isn't much, and a lot of things are unfinished - usually because I placed too much value on the potential of "the idea", and spent so long labouring over the start of it that by the 10,000 word mark I had realised the flaws of the idea and lost interest in it.

I can't help thinking that's a bit lame. Every other writer has 100s and thousands of words of terrible amateur works they can go back to and laugh at, before they created the masterpieces they're known for now, and my story is that I just kinda show up every once in a while.

I think there's a real beauty to that - creating for the sake of creation, with no fucks given. Maybe this isn't the finest example, but I finally started listening to My Dad Wrote a Porno recently and...I mean... the sheer lack of fucks given is well and truly a gift that keeps on giving. Same goes for Philosophy of the World. Or SMG4 back in like 2014. Or old Eddsworld stuff. There's just a certain carefree joy (or existential dread in the case of the Shaggs) to it all that you never get anywhere else. It's like the difference between a 30 second gesture drawing and 6 hours of carefully-deliberated-over anatomy.

All that is to say - Dark Side Mix is a fundamentally flawed story. It is not high art, it never will be. I should probably just get it out there in it's entirety for the world to see in the time I have available to write, and then move on to the next "brilliant-idea"-that's-actually-just-ok. Nobody likes an "idea guy" - what good is it to spend one's entire life going around saying "I never finished this story, but it was great in my head, and the bit that you can actually read was alright too,"? Creativity should be about getting in there, making a mess, and having fun - let fanfiction be fanfiction, with that being addressed to nobody but myself, because nobody else needed to hear it.

Oh, also, another reason for my absence besides creative block and exams - I'm getting into comics! That, and practising my art fundamentals a whole bunch - I don't think my drawabox is particularly interesting to look at, so I haven't exactly been posting it. I've decided that I want to try giving an idea I had for what would've been another depressing Squid Sister 8000-worder the comic treatment, although you shouldn't expect to see that anytime soon, considering how long it's gonna take, and the fact that I would want to release something like that in no more than two parts.

[tadpolesonalgae]

Hey Tabby! I just wanted to start this by letting you know that I think your writing is beautiful. It’s so complex in all the best ways and I’m truly in awe of your work.

I have been trying to improve upon my own writing, particularly by writing longer, multi-part stories. However, I feel as though there is something I am missing. I have been gushing over cbmthy (amazing btw!) and I am so impressed at the different elements all wound together. I was curious as to what your process is for creating stories like it!

Thank you in advance🫶🏻

I'm probably going to ramble for a little on this one so apologies if this turns into a tangent-riddled flow of paragraphs!

Also I feel it's very necessary for me to say this is just what I think, and what (generally) works for me. In the end both of us are different people and I think trying things for yourself (though it can be exhausting taking a trial-by-error method) will probably be a sure-fire way of figuring out what works for you.

So, first of all I think different things work for different people, and different circumstances can deeply impact your ability to write. For example, before cbmthy the longest series I've written is probably Teeth and Talons, or Two Birds, both of which I know how I want to end but have left alone for a half a year and probably a year and a half respectively, and if I'm honest I think it's because I needed people’s enthusiasm to carry me? (Not saying I'd be over the moon if people suddenly took an interest in either of those again - I'm pretty busy at the moment and have quite a lot on my plate - in fact I'm kind of glad they've been allowed to fizzle out so I can peacefully return to them when I'm ready.)

I'm almost completely certain that if people weren't continuously showing curiosity for the series, and continuing to interact with the fic and reread that I wouldn't have made it up to twenty chapters. Originally it was supposed to be a one-shot, possibly with a sequel if it did well enough.

Then, I think there's also the part of being able to gauge whether you'll be able to sustain a series yourself. Can you see where the story is headed? Do you have an outline? Can you see alternate pathways you can take if you end up getting bored? Do you have a source of inspiration (other writers, books, music, artists, a place you like to visit, food, etc.)? Do you have the time?

A lot of the 'planning' I do for cbmthy, and lately also CoLCoV, is just staring at my ceiling before falling asleep and drifting off into thought? Or listening to music during a grocery trip, if I'm cleaning, or just generally doing something where I can kind of zone out? A lot of it happens inside my head, and I tend to not write it down until I'm ready to do the full scene - there are parts way ahead in cbmthy that I have in my mind that I refuse to write down because as soon as I do 1) I'll lose the emotions connected to the scene once they become words on a screen and 2) inevitably I'll have to rework the scenes to fit into the chapter fluently which is just a pain and kills motivation and can result in you thinking the scene is awful and then putting it off longer when it's actually going to be surprisingly well-received by people (speaking from experience - I hated chapter 16 before posting it and now it's one of my favourites since people were so openly warm to it)

I'd also argue that your reasoning for writing a series can play a part? I have my reasons for making cbmthy the way that it is, making reader the way that she is, and giving her particular hurdles to overcome that solely benefit me, as the author, who knows what they mean to me - though I hope that doesn't stop anyone else from finding their own troubles and solutions in it, or even just reading cbmthy as a piece of light fanfiction, if that's what you want it to be as the reader.

Whether your reasons are because you have a point to make, to yourself of someone else, or because it's a story line that's grabbed your attention, I would encourage you to sit on it for a while just to see if you continue to be enthusiastic about it.

And, kind of finally, if your aim is to ultimately try to improve your writing, don't get tunnel-visioned on one process. Maybe this is obvious but feel around and read different things. If you're able to, walk into a different section of a bookstore, spend time looking through blurbs and reading through the first few chapters of books to see if the writing style takes your interest before buying them. Try writing drabbles, try writing pieces that lean more on description, give different genres a go!

Also something I would definitely recommend is, if you haven't already, try writing a long one-shot. Don't give yourself a time limit, or push yourself into coming up with something immediately, but if you get an idea, try writing one piece over a few months, just sitting down whenever you feel like you've figured out what scene you want to add next, and try rereading sections now and again. I think that method is probably what worked best for me - having something to keep coming back to and gradually building up since it let me see that I can sustain a story.

It's also a good way to write something long without feeling any pressure to update it since nobody knows you're writing it, then bam! It appears out of thin air!

Anyway, this did indeed get long and out of hand, but I hope at least some of my rambling made sense and might help you? I'd also encourage finding fanfic authors you like and trying to continuously interact with them. I certainly have problems with jealousy and comparing myself with other writers on here, and unfortunately it means I now find it very hard to read work from new authors. I think there are only three now that I can still read freely and happily without comparing myself to them, and it's because I like them as people and interacted with them.

^I hope that last part won't have to apply to you, though, and that you'll have a good time writing!

[queenofthekings]

𝐼 𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓈 𝓎𝑜𝓊.

Summary: Long after you and Eddie break up, it's still affecting both of you.

Author’s note: I know I keep posting so much angst and I'm sorry lol. I asked some friends if they'd be interested in reading my Edancy fics reworked as Reader fics and they said yes! It felt like such a shame those fics didn't get the love I thought they deserved so I hope they can get a second chance as Reader.

CW: Mentions of drugs and smoking.

Word count: 1k

Any hate will not be tolerated, constructive criticism is welcomed.

The first few weeks after a breakup are the worst; the depression of missing them, the uncertainty of if you made the right choice in ending the relationship, the regret of not doing or saying something you wish you had. That’s how you had constantly been feeling. You’d felt so anxious you could barely eat, sleep, or concentrate on any of your schoolwork and frankly, you looked terrible.

Even though you had been the one to break it off, you regretted it almost instantly. You still loved him; you were still hopelessly in love with him, but you knew the relationship could never work. You both came from two completely different worlds, the likelihood of you working out and lasting longer than high school was slim. And you didn’t want to prolong the inevitable or put him through any unneeded pain.

Anytime you saw Eddie around school, your heart ached. While on the outside he was laughing and joking with his friends, you knew on the inside he was just as heartbroken as you were – probably even more. The breakup had destroyed him, he’d spent several days in his room, smoking all the drugs he had and drinking until he couldn’t even remember what day it was.

From across the lunchroom, your eyes met and in that moment, it was like you’d never broke up. He still looked at you like you were the centre of his universe and the whole would didn’t matter when he saw you, and it almost made you cry. He still looked at you with so much love and care, but you couldn’t accept it anymore.

You looked away, certain if you looked too long, you truly would begin to cry. Hastily, you packed up your things and rushed out of the room. You tried your best to keep your composure as you powerwalked down the hallways towards the bathrooms, but you broke down in controllable sobbing. Leaning against a wall, you slowly slid down it until you were sat on the floor with your head in your hands.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop crying. And it wasn’t her normal “pretty” crying, this was full on ugly, gut-wrenching sobbing. It felt like all the weeks of keeping it inside her, seeing his eyes made it impossible to hold anything back.

You heard footsteps slowly approach and stop right in front of you, but you were so blinded by your tears you could barely make out whose shoes they were. It wasn’t until you felt arms around you, bringing you into a warm chest that you tried to see who it was.

Eddie.

Who else could it have been?

You shook your head, trying to get away from him as you wiped your tears as best as you could with your hands and the sleeve of your sweater. “I’m sorry, you should go.”

It was Eddie’s turn to shake his head, refusing to let you go. “No, I’m staying.”

You looked up at him, tears still falling down your cheeks, even after all your efforts to stop them. “But why? I broke up with you, I completely broke you. Why do you care that I’m suffering?”

Eddie let out almost a bitter chuckle, his own eyes watering a little as he held back his own tears. “Sweetheart, do you think I care for you so little that breaking up with me would make a difference?”

You blinked a few times, almost unable to speak without stuttering. “What? I don’t-”

Gently hushing you, he cupped your cheek, his thumb drying your eyes. “I’m not gonna lie, you fucked me up pretty badly by breaking up with me. But I know why you did it, and don’t lie to me by saying it was because you stopped loving me. I can see it – I know you still love me, I still love you, too. But you know I’m no good and you wanted to save me the pain for later.

“I fuckin’ miss you, sweetheart. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. When you were there, I didn’t need drugs or alcohol to feel something, you could just hold my hand, and it would give me the same rush. Whenever you’d come to The Hideout, you were the only person who mattered, even if a hundred people were there, as long as my girl was there, it would be a great show.

I’d give anything to have you back, but I know we can’t, and I,” he paused to catch his breath, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed me to be.”

You almost started crying again when you saw him upset, you pressed your forehead against his and closed her eyes, with him doing the same. “You might not have been my first love, Eddie. But I wanted you to be my last… I still do, I still want you to be my last. I still want a forever with you, but we can’t have it anymore and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I can’t give you that.”

The pair of you held each other in silence after that, the floodgates finally opening for both of you, and the tears freely came down. The bell rang to signal the end of lunchbreak, causing you both to laugh through your tears and clamber to your feet, your hand automatically sliding into Eddie’s.

Once you realised what you had done, you quickly let go of his hand. You both did your best to wipe your eyes and try to make it less obvious that you’d been crying but your spoiled makeup and Eddie’s puffy eyes gave it away pretty quickly.

You stared at each other, trying to figure out what to say and where you should go after the words you’d exchanged. You knew you couldn’t get back together, but you couldn’t go back to never speaking to each other, either. So, the obvious third option would be to become friends but even that would be a difficult idea.

“So, what happens now?” Eddie asked.

“I don’t know,” you answered, shrugging your shoulders. “I guess we take things a day at a time.”

[desolateice]

fanfic ask for umibudo!

Send me a fic of mine and I'll answer...

Thank you for your patience. I wanted to re-read the fic before answering, which I did with the others, this one just took longer. I've put it all under the read more.

My favorite scene

So many. But probably after Johnny nearly drowns and Chozen is lying in the tide having given up and waiting to turn into seafoam and just sobbing into the sand, covered in sand and Johnny's like I'm right here and has to drag him away from the tide, talking to Chozen and Chozen hasn't realized Johnny is up and okay-ish but sobbing because Chozen's magic (siren song) is just so heartbreaking that he can't stop crying and it's some world building with the ningyo abilities and he's like why are you crying about your bride? Aren't I your bride? I nearly drowned pay attention to me. And Johnny's actually asking for attention that he wants and he gets it. Which is, for this story, huge for him.

My favorite chapter (if it's a multichapter)

The chapters about Johnny nearly drowning. chapter 14 and 15. 15 has one of my favorite dialogues between kid Johnny and his mom ['she' in this case is the little mermaid]:

“She’s dead! That’s what people say about dead people! That they’re still here but not here. You said that about Dad!” It’d been maybe one of her worse lies, when she’d been tired of answering his questions about when Dad would come back and where he was, so she pulled out the adult favorite: “He’s on a farm up north, running wild and free with the other farm animals.” He wasn’t dead. He was just gone.

Plus in this chapter Johnny realizes he can be vulnerable and also rely on Chozen in difficult situations. And how much Chozen cares for him truly sinks in.

And Chozen continues to realize that him being a ningyo is only an issue in Tomi Village. Everywhere else he's respected, so when people find him people instantly realize he's a ningyo with an injured bride and take care of them. Which just sort of stuns Chozen. But to them a ningyo is good luck. So of course they're going to put Johnny and Chozen up in a hotel room and run out to get them clothes and find their car and do this team effort to help because goodness, when was the last time anyone had seen a ningyo? And one so upset with an injured bride? Gotta help out.

Hardest scene to write

Johnny nearly drowning. I kept trying to figure out when it was going to happen. I knew it would but I didn't want it to be too early or too late. I wanted it to happen in a cave but I realized the island famous for caves they'd already passed, so it was a lot of reworking logistics and their plans. I rewrote it a couple of times. And while I felt like Chozen could protect Johnny I wanted it to show that he didn't really know how to properly pay attention to a human. Like humans have to breathe so you have to pay attention to water level and tidal waves and stuff and just because you can dive in and save someone doesn't mean you can skip learning CPR for if they were in the water longer than you thought or in a way you couldn't get to. It was like a wake up call Chozen needed to have. Plus I wanted an excuse for Chozen to go feral. What worked, which I don't know if people caught, was that Chozen moved Johnny without realizing it into a recovery position. Meanwhile on Johnny's end he really just wanted someone to care in a visible way. He hadn't gotten that after Kreese had hurt him. He'd been saved but then kinda just had to get up and move on and it's been hurting, but Chozen is so upset because it's him and he cares so much and Johnny needed that. He needed to be precious to someone. I also wanted to explain with the flashback why it's important to Johnny. Not just that feeling but also he had this deep love for fairy tales and Chozen is a fairy tale. I'd hinted at it before but then it became this deeper thing. He didn't want the beast to become human, he didn't understand why anyone would hate him. He didn't want the mermaid to turn into seafoam. He wanted magic to be real and he wanted to rewrite it and here is a merman that loves him upset and like 'let me turn into seafoam' and that snaps straight through to that deep set feeling and he's like nope. The other thing was trying to find places for Johnny to help facilitate Sato and Mr. Miyagi's interaction but there was no basis for it. Johnny didn't know Mr. Miyagi and he's a teen. What's he going too do for this old feud? Straight off a plane? Not happening. And not his job. So sending him a way was more fun for me and better for Chozen and Johnny. Oh also the shells in Johnny's hair. I decided really early on that they'd stay there via magic and mean Johnny was a ningyo bride, but it didn't work with Johnny going home and finishing school. So I had to change it but I kept trying to find spots for it and it just didn't work till the end.

Favorite character to write in the fic

Probably Chozen. Chozen being a mermaid was so much fun because I got to take things from canon and weave okay what if he was a mermaid? into it. How can I take the falling out between our Mr. Miyagi and Sato and twist it to fit the monster narrative? Oh also Sato and Mr. Miyagi's bickering in the background. Mostly Sato, it was a lot of fun to just make him very yandere. He loves Mr. Miyagi but he can't let himself relax because he feels like he'll instantly turn into sea foam if Mr. Miyagi doesn't return any care whatsoever, so he just calls Mr. Miyagi Coward but still follows him around, and still has fun, but he's like grumpy the whole time because he can't turn into Seafoam before Miyagi sensei passes or before Chozen is set up. But Nariyoshi Miyagi just keeps realizing how in love kid Sato was with him, because he kept offering him things, following ningyo courting culture but without explaining it and Sato hates that Nariyoshi realizes and remembers it. (But they get a happy little threesome with Yukie)

Favorite dynamic to write in the fic

Chozen in fish brain mode and how Johnny sort of realizes it. Everything is logical for Chozen but also illogical. And when it gets super strong Johnny is there to keep him from going into the sea or trying to logic with him or to carry him if he can't change out of his ningyo form.

Like the original one which was Johnny getting Chozen clothes but Chozen seeing a bed and assuming something else. Or when they go swimming and Chozen's delighted then realizes he forgot to ask Johnny if he can swim and is like ah man I'm going to have to get my bride some arm floaties.

Why I chose that title

A lot of this fic takes place in Okinawa and if I have an Okinawan heavy fic I try and pick foods from Okinawa. Umibudo are sea grapes, a type of seaweed that I tried on a visit and I thought would be fitting for a mermaid fic because it's food from the sea, a little salty and surprising but also delicious.

A fun fact about the fic

I did so much research that didn't get used. So when I write about Okinawa I generally dig around online for things and then have to go back and see when they were created. For example some places in Okinawa you can get to by bridge now, but in the 80's those bridges didn't exist, so I had to figure out alternative ways for them to get there, which generally was a plane or a ferry, especially for the smaller southern islands. I researched love hotels in general, and the history of condoms in Japan, apparently there used to be door to door sales people who'd come into your home and sell housewives condoms. And it was just considered the norm. Like condom use was higher in Japan then it was in the USA and I had to figure out okay then is Chozen more likely to use condoms and if so what brands? Which led to researching brands of condoms in the 80s in Japan to hope that those filtered to Okinawa. And I thought about having Chozen looking for brands he recognized in the states, one of the factories of a brand used in Japan in the 80s is in Newark. Did I end up using any of that? No. Also tried to research common lube brands in the 80s Japan which more or less just taught me that you can make lube out of seaweed. (maybe they'll try it lol, knowing them, maybe that's why Chozen spends so much time in the sea, harvesting seaweed to make homemade lube ) Tried for toys too because I was going to try and put some in the love hotel. But didn't know what would've been available. I also read a lot of books about marine life because I wanted Chozen to have different marine life characteristics and to have some comparisons. (and to use as references) I watched this horror movie a while ago where one of the heroines drops this 'fact' that turtles have sex for a long time, but I couldn't find anything to support that. (I had a similar issue with 'body wash therapy' which I'd read about somewhere once but couldn't find again, but it could've been a mistranslated) So I tried sea horses and other marine life and ended up just reading a whole lot of random books. Which I do this frequently and have been thinking about sharing what books I read for research with which fics. But for Umibudo I read:

The Curious World of Seahorses: The life and Lore of a marine Marvel by Till Hein (which wasn't quite what I wanted but I learned how difficult it is to raise seahorses)

Kings of Their Own Ocean: Tuna, Obsession, and the Future of Our Seas by Karen Pinchin

The Dragon Behind the Glass: A True Story of Power, Obsession, and the World's Most Coveted Fish by Emily Voigt

There was also a lot of research onto where I'd get excited about something and then realize it was the wrong season since they were in Okinawa in January.

[seaweedbraens]

Yo it’s your local late night 6.5/10 PJOTV reviewer here to offer yet another perspective, especially after the new episode.

I think the core of the issue is that this show has two major MAJOR differences from the book, those being tone and pacing. The latter has been discussed a lot, and all i really have to add to that cesspool is that it is in fact very different and faster, leading to tighter story beats and less character development, which is the only thing i truly hate.

The tone thing hasn’t been talked about nearly as much as it should be, but i think it IS affected a ton of people’s perception of the show. The witty, dry humor of the first book that defined Percy and Annabeth as kids is kind of lacking a little? This is probably the fault of Rick attempting to write for TV and kinda struggling with humor. This makes the TV characters slightly different from the books, with Annabeth being more serious and less sarcastic, while Percy is just snarky sometimes instead of being an absolute little bitch. (This is also a lot because of the lack of narration BY Percy, where he can be a lot more humorous)

Without spoiling much, the newest episode fixes some of the issues with story and pacing elements, but still lacks in some development in terms of the subtext of the story, if that makes sense. The best part is that it reworks and redoes certain parts of the story in a way that just WORKS for TV and this specific cast.

Honestly, the only character that has 100% benefited from the change in focus with character development is Grover. The fact that the show just generally cares less about these characters somehow makes grover less of an anxious, shy companion and more of a fun, wholesome dude which i love SO MUCH!

About LMM as Hermes, i’m totally for it. LMM has pretty decent acting jobs, and the tired look he always has totally works with Hermes being canonically overworked as hell.

Another thing i do love that some people don’t is the Gabe changes. IDK how much you know, but the changing of Gabe is an unforeseen and interesting change. However, i like it because it makes Gabe a more dynamic character, and makes it possible to change who is in a negative light, rather than making him go from “abusive bitch” to “physically abusive bitch”. This all comes from someone intimately family with parental abuse and someone who loves reading fics that discuss Gabe AS a horrible abuser. Like, one of my fav PJO fics (that i did suggest to you) is an entire therapy fic about Percy dealing with that abuse and the scars of trauma. I know what i want from Gabe’s character is all i’m saying.

Finally, one last topic i wanna rant about on the internet is fucking LA Luke. They had absolutely no right to make this dude the most lovable bitch at camp. Hell, even the most anti-live action ppl out there can admit Luke got a lot more sympathetic in the show. Anyone can see they really cared about that aspect of the character. (not the weak-ass attempt at a scar tho lmao)

This entire rant and all of my (and everyone’s really) feelings can change drastically as soon as the next episode drops though, so take everything ANYONE says with a tablespoon of salt and a pile of blue food.

duly noted, and thank you for the update on your thoughts with the new episode, anon - it's so interesting to see thoughts change with every new one! i'll probably binge it all in one go at the end.

from what you've said, i think the gabe changes still bother me, but i'm all for a more likeable luke. that'll make the betrayal that much more painful. honestly, i've been toying lately with the idea of a later betrayal on luke's end, rather than at the end of book 1. i feel like we don't fully get to see how much percy trusts him and likes him in the limited time we get with them in the lightning thief. one day, maybe, i'll write a fic that really gives luke and percy the Bonding Time i think they deserve before the rug's pulled out from underneath percy's feet.

i wonder how your 6.5/10 rating will change by the end of the final ep!

[newtedison]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

thank you @crestfallercanyon for the tag! i think i might have done this one before but my answers have surely changed somewhat since then, so let's go!

How many works do you have on AO3? 19

What’s your total A03 word count? 349,364

What fandoms do you write for? the maze runner is the main one but i've also written three star trek fics, and one fucking chad/ryan fic from hsm2 LMAO

What are your top five fics by kudos? 5) all we do is drive. 4) Therapy Dogs and Comic Books: The Ficlets 3) 2 A.M. Phone Calls 2) you don't think dancing takes some game? 1) Therapy Dogs and Comic Books [shocker]

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i reply to almost every comment i get. there was a period during the height of therapy dogs that i stopped bc i got overwhelmed but now every comment is like a gift so i try to be grateful.

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? it's a tie between static space lovers and Kenopsia i think, and neither are so much angsty as they are open-ended. i feel like i haven't written a fic with an "angsty" ending

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Therapy Dogs and Comic Books: The Ficlets because it's literally me just going "and they lived happily ever after"

Do you get hate on your fic? no, i got one slightly negative comment once during therapy dogs but that's it

Do you write smut? only ever fade to black scenes, it's not my thing to read or write

Do you write crossovers? i haven't yet

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated? yes, Mathiiel translated 2 A.M. Phone Calls into French which was very sweet

Have you ever co-written a fic? no but i did used to write stories with my friend that have tragically been lost to time

What‘s your all-time favourite ship? i feel like it used to be newtmas and maybe nostalgia-wise it is but at this point i don't think i really have one standout ship

What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i would love to finish a brenderesa WIP i have but my visions of it are so grandiose. it was originally a multi-ship fic that i trimmed to be brenderesa but even once i did that i couldn't find a way to rework what i had already written, so it's just in limbo right now.

What’s your writing strengths? i genuinely don't know but i've been told that i do worldbuilding and dialogue well. i guess one thing i could say is that (in my more recent fics, not so much my early ones) i always try to make an active effort to have every character feel like a real person with their own world and not have the world seem centered around the main characters/ship. i think adding that level of realism adds to the story overall

What’s your writing weaknesses? honestly just. describing things which sounds crazy but it's true. both simple things like actions or transitions but also like. translating feelings to text.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i can barely write in english bruv

First fandom you wrote for? i wrote fanfic for agents of shield that i submitted for an assignment once. icr if i changed the names or not

Favourite fic you’ve ever written? probably still all we do is drive just because it was such a consistent project of mine for so many years that i never truly gave up on and it was so satisfying to see it realized. i read it back sometimes and there are very little things i would change about it which doesn't happen often.

i'm answering this ask like a week late i think so i'm not going to tag anyone in the assumption that happened in my procrastionation

[jessica-problems]

To me, the desire to have every non-D&D game pitched in terms of what rules modules can be pillaged for improving D&D feels like wildly missing the point. Most games are full of all sorts of great stuff. To boil them down to a few disconnected modules kind of pre-supposes that every game is just D&D with a few minor tweaks here and there, and we can describe the whole game by just listing the minor tweaks. Very few games work like that. And if you're expecting to borrow those cool modules and slap them into a D&D game, they're not going to work as well as they did in the game they're actually designed for. That's not because D&D is a bad game, it's because D&D is a focused game, and those modules were taken from a game that's focused in a different way.

If you're planning to use the rules of D&D as a base for modding, there are a number of things it really ISN'T designed to handle, and if you try to rebuild D&D until it works for them, you'll be fighting the game every step of the way(unless you weren't even engaging with the rules in the first place, I guess?). You can probably mod it into any variation of "the heroes kill a bunch of bad guys and take their stuff to get stronger so they can fight more bad guys" fairly easily, but if you want to step outside of that specific story structure, I think it's fair to say that the rules of D&D are simply the wrong tool for the job, and that trying to rework them until they are is a waste of time when there's other systems out there that would serve as a much better base. There are other games out there, similarly focused on other things. And if you tried to use one of them to run a fantasy dungeon crawl, you'd run into the exact same issue in reverse.

I don't understand how saying something like "don't use the dungeon crawl game to run heists. use the heist game to run heists" could be controversial. It's like selecting the right tool for a job. Taking the time to explain why the heist focused game might be better at running heists than the non-heist focused game feels like I'm insulting one or both of us. I don't understand this impulse to avoid ever implying that D&D might have shortcomings, as if D&D fans are going to take it as a personal insult or something(Is that what's happening? does it really come off as insulting somehow? If so, I apologize. But also, I truly do not understand.) D&D is pretty good at what it does, but that's because it's narrowly focused on that one type of story. But also, like, I' m aware that I'm very much coming at this from the "TTRPG as fancy board game" perspective outlined above, and I really have no idea what someone could want out of a game if they're not interested in rules. My biased assumption is that, actually, what they really want, even if they don't realize it, is a game with good rules that will co-operate to help them tell the story they want to tell, but maybe I'm misunderstanding and they truly don't care about rules at all, in which case I actually don't know what they're looking for. But on top of all this rule stuff... I get the impression that there's something more going on that's flying completely over my head. From my perspective, it feels like I'm having a calm, detached conversation about the relationship between game rules and fiction, but I often see people reacting as if there's high emotional stakes. I don't want to upset people, but I truly don't understand what's setting them off. I would love to understand what people find so emotionally charged about this, and help them find fun games to play. Potentially including D&D. D&D isn't EVIL or anything. Sometimes D&D IS the right tool for the job.

Seeing @thydungeongal constantly wrestling with people interpreting her posts about D&D in ways that seem completely alien to me has convinced me that there are actually multiple completely distinct activities both being referred to as "playing D&D" Before we begin, I want to stress that I'm not saying one of these groups is Playing The Game Wrong or anything, but there seems to be a lot of confusion and conflict caused by people not being aware of the distinction. In fact, either one works just fine if everyone's on the same page. So far, I think I've identified at least two main groups. And nobody seems to realize the distinction between these groups even exists. The first group of people think of "Playing D&D" as, well, more or less like any other board game. Players read the whole rulebook all the way through, all the players follow the instructions, and the gameplay experience is determined by what the rules tell each player to do. This group thinks of the mechanics as, not exactly the *whole* game, but certainly the fundamental skeleton that everything else is built on top of. People in the second group think of "Playing D&D" as referring to, hanging out with their friends, collaboratively telling a story inspired by some of the elements in the rulebooks, maybe rolling some dice to see what happens when they can't decide. This group thinks of the mechanics of the game as, like... a spice to sprinkle on top of the story to mix things up. (if you belong to this second group, and think I'm explaining it poorly, please let me know, because I'm kind of piecing things together from other people saying things I don't understand and trying to reverse engineer how they seem to be approaching things.) I think this confusion is exacerbated by the fact that Wizards of the Coast markets D&D as if these are the same thing. They emphatically are not. the specific rules laid out of the D&D rulebooks actually direct players to tell a very specific kind of story. You can tell other stories if you ignore those rules (which still counts as "playing D&D" under the second definition, but doesn't under the first)And I think people in both groups are getting mad because they assume that everyone is also using their definition. For example, there's a common argument that I've seen play out many times that goes something like this:

A: "How do I mod D&D to do [insert theme here]?" B: "D&D is really not built for that, you should play [other TTRPG] that's designed for it instead" A: "But I don't want to learn a whole new game system!" B: "It will be easier to just learn a whole new system than mod D&D to do that." A: "whatever, I'll just mod D&D on my own" And I think where this argument comes from is the two groups described above completely talking past each other. No one understands what the other person is trying to say. From A's perspective, as a person in the second group, it sounds like A: "Anyone have some fun inspirations for telling stories about [insert theme here]?" B: "You can't sit around a table with your friends and tell a story about that theme! That's illegal." A: "But we want to tell a story about this theme!" B: "It's literally impossible to do that and you're a dumb idiot baby for even thinking about it." A: "whatever, jerk, I'll figure it out on my own."

--- Whereas, from B's perspective, the conversation sounds like A: "How do I change the rules of poker to be chess, and not be poker?" B: "uhhh, just play chess?" A: "But I already know how to player poker! I want to play poker, but also have it be chess!" B: "what the hell are you talking about? What does that even mean. They're completely different games." A: "I'm going to frankenstein these rules together into some kind of unplayably complex monster and you can't stop me!" ---

So both people end up coming away from the conversation thinking the other person is an idiot. And really, depending on how you concieve of what it means to "play D&D" what is being asked changes considerably. If you're only planning to look through the books for cool story inspiration, maybe borrow a cool little self contained sub-system here or there, then yeah, it's very possible to steal inspiration for your collaborative story from basically anywhere. Maybe some genres are kind of an awkward fit together, but you can make anything work with a little creativity.

If, however, you are thinking of the question in terms of frankensteining two entire board games together, then it becomes a massively difficult or even outright nonsensical idea. For example, for skill checks, the game Shadowrun has players roll a pool of several d6 at once, then count up how many rolled above a target value to see how well a character succeeded at a task. The whole game is full of specific rules about adding or removing dice from the pool, effects happening if you roll doubles, rerolling only some of the dice, and all sorts of other things that simply do not translate to rolling a single d20 for skill checks. On a basic level, the rules of the games work very differently. Trying to make them compatible would be much harder than just learning a new game from scratch. Now, neither of these approaches is exactly *wrong*, I guess, but personally, I find the rules of TTRPGs to be fascinating and worth taking the time to engage with all the weird little nuances and seeing what shakes out. Also, the first group, "TTRPG as fancy board game" is definitely the older and more widespread one. I kind of get the impression that the second group largely got into D&D through actual play podcasts, but I don't have any actual data to back that up. So, if you're in the second group, who thinks of D&D as basically a context for collaborative storytelling first and a game second, please let me know if I'm wildly misunderstanding how you approach D&D. Because I'm pretty sure it would save us a whole lot of stupid misunderstandings.

[mass-convergence]

For the fic asks!

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?

Okay so for #3 I accidentally wrote a whole goddamn novel so I'm putting that under a cut because I don't want to clog the dash.

42.

I'm not sure - I love all comments and they all stick with me. I suppose one that did stick out with me was on my first chapter of The Ones You Trust the Most where someone left an extremely lovely comment about being intrigued by the premise and that my writing style was enjoyable.

Some of the other comments have come from my IRL friends who I usually go to when I'm feeling a little down on my self. One of whom has said they regularly pull up the PDFs of excerpts I send them whenever they're feeling down because they like my writing which ... 🥺

45.

Something I've improved upon ... whooo ... uh. Commas. Yeah. I mean I still sprinkle commas liberally through my fic but at least I'm more cognizant of the fact that semi-colons, conjunctions, and hell even periods exist.

I think, especially with a more complicated/intricate plot line that I'm planning with The Ones You Trust the Most (be forewarned) ... I've been getting better at getting into a character's mind and motives to really say "why would she do this?" "why would this be their strategy to achieve their goal? How would that conflict with another's goals/strategies? How can I create tension and conflict out of that?"

It's carried over into my NaNo fic though that pile of shit (and I say this affectionately) is going to need an entire rework since I'm just getting into the character's brains finally.

3.

Tropes: I really like the Deadpan Snarker character trope and you can pry that from my cold, dead hands. Though I am careful not to fall into the Whedon-dialog trap where snark is literally all the dialog and there's no sincerity.

Self-insert: Self-inserts happen probably more regularly than I care for. There's like two warring factions in my head about it: the "most authors in original literature have put themselves somewhere in the story to comment on it", just have fun with it Mass and the deep-rooted self-loathing I've developed due to being a fanfic writer in the late aughts when Mary Sues and self-inserts were synonymous and also the worst crime unto fanfic/literature one could commit. I don't think I'll ever truly get over that mental block.

And the thing is, self-inserts ... aren't really that bad and logically I know that - again, many authors in original fic have done the same. Some of them were a little pompous with their insert-character waxing philosophical on some very weird shit (looking at you Heinlein) but some of them were so subtle you didn't really realize it upon a casual reading. Emotionally, however, I'm reverted to high school me just religiously checking a literal Mary Sue checker to see if they were Sues... Which wasn't great either. Because your character can be a fully fleshed out character with pathos, flaws, etc. and still have like purple eyes and bat wings or some shit and their name is Enoby.

Also ... y'know ... have fun with it. And I think my issue is that even though I have that instinct to put an SI in ... that other side of my brain that still clings to high school writing absolutely does not have fun with it while mature me is like, "I'm writing fanfic, not [insert literary "masterpiece" we had to read for English class here]"

Dialog and nodding as a crutch: and this is a kinda bad habit I've picked up over the years, I get a tad worried I'm using "[character] said" too much - and like I know: "said's not dead" etc.

But my brain's like, "Maybe add them doing some kind of gesture or movement?"

To which my instinct is like, "I WILL HAVE THEM NOD"

Which then upon rereading I realize my characters are a bunch of bobbleheads and I've gotta rewrite the interaction. I am working on rectifying that and finding better things for characters to do during dialog or even saying, "Every piece of dialog doesn't need a character doing something unless it's something worth pointing out in terms of the personality of the character."

Results have been varied and I have written an entire essay on my writing style. I don't apologize.

[jaskiersvalley]

Hello!! 💕 Just wanted to let you know that I love your "Jaskier has always smelled of blood" au. It means a lot to me 💛 I feel like it brings some kind of awereness to the issue and I'm really gratefull for it. Thank you 💕

Nonnie, thank you so much for your kind words. That AU is one that I spent a lot of time mulling over and debating whether to write it or not. But given the fact that it means a lot to you, it was most definitely worth it. There is actually another topic that has been on my mind a fair amount that is as heavy as that AU, which is what happens when a suicide attempt doesn't succeed. Hopefully you won't mind if I write that as a little thank you for your lovely ask.

CW: Suicide attempt (overdose of Witcher potions)

Love wasn't meant to be part of a Witcher's life. That was what Eskel had always been taught and he accepted it as his lot in life. When he was younger, he had raged against it, tried to defy the truth. He attended parties, wooed and seduced wherever he went. Love never stuck but at least his lust was sated. Then Deidre happened and Eskel had a new reality to get used to, one where he was seen as monstrous, hideous and repulsive. Those were just Lambert's teasing words, trying to exaggerate and poke fun at the situation. Not that it helped. Suddenly, Eskel could only attend masquerade balls where his face was hidden from view for fear of upsetting humans. It was either that or finding hungry and desperate succubi who valued his Witcher enhanced attribute more than his visage. It didn't stop Lambert from cracking jokes.

"You don't have a succubi problem, you just have a succuebae. Get it? Before anyone else!"

It was easy for Lambert to say, brothels still took his coin if he wanted it. Though, by the sounds of stories, he didn't need to frequent such places, not when he had a Cat Witcher travelling with him and eager to share all aspects of the Path, not just the pay for contracts. Still, Eskel couldn't begrudge Lambert, he'd always had a shit lot in life. If he could buck the rule about love, good for him, he deserved that slice of happiness.

Then Geralt had to go and find himself a bard who was devoted to him. Eskel could smell the pining on Geralt over winters and then love when Jaskier finally spent the winter with them. That was fine too. Much like Lambert, Geralt also deserved someone to love and share his life with. Even multiple someones when Yennefer arrived and had no need of a room of her own.

It was fine. Eskel could be happy for them. He wasn't jealous, didn't feel like he'd been cheated out of anything. Those were thoughts he turned away from every night when he pulled his covers tight around him and pretended he didn't wish it was the warm embrace of a lover, probably much like the other two had.

Things got worse when Eskel started getting left out of things. There were games that the happy couples played in the evenings, something about how well they knew each other. It was raucous and fun by the sounds of it. Eskel stayed in the kitchen, cleaning because it wasn't a game he could play. The double dates looked fun, going out on rides. Once Yennefer even opened up a portal for them to spend a night away for some romantic getaway. The bard about Eskel bringing Lil Bleater had stung more than he cared to admit. Slowly, Eskel was forgotten. Vesemir had his books, was content with those and the letters he seemed to send. If Eskel was lucky, he'd end up like him. But Eskel didn't want to become Vesemir in his old age. Not even Vesemir really, not when Eskel didn't even have friends to exchange letters with.

The bleakness of it ate away at Eskel for years. Each time he returned to Kaer Morhen without a travelling companion, without someone to write to, he felt like a failure. To the point that he tried drinking, tried fisstech, anything to forget, even if just for a little while. Nothing worked though, every time reality caught up with him. There was only one solution he could see, one where there was no tomorrow to wake up to. It wasn't a rash decision, Eskel didn't immediately act on those thoughts. But his mind was made up and with that came a sense of relief. He had a few things to get in order, to figure out but there was now an end in sight, a way out and on his own terms.

One last winter he made the trek to Kaer Morhen. He had a tidy pack of coins, some truly excellent Gwent cards and a large stash of potions he had brewed up. All in all, he looked like he had a good year on the Path. Nobody needed to know that all his external riches were a façade for the poverty of his heart.

His plan was a simple one. It wasn't like a Witcher left a will or anything like that, his measly belongings got scavenged when he didn't return from a contract. That wasn't what Eskel wanted, he was going to make sure all his belongings were going to go to the person he wanted them to end up with. Which was why he started with Gwent. He played Geralt and, slowly but surely, lost all his best cards. Eskel prided himself in how he could play so well that they others believed he was having a bad run. Couple it with drinking some of Lambert's brew, it was an uproarious night full of laughter, friendly slaps to his back and loudly declared sympathy for his poor, alcohol addled brain.

Once the good Gwent cards were gone, Eskel switched out, claiming he needed someone lesser to play because Geralt was just too good. As predicted, Lambert took great offence at being called a worse player and shoved Geralt out the way. Eskel bet money, a nice pair of gloves and, in an almost unheard of turn, Scorpion.

"I needed to leave you with things to barter with for the rest of winter," he told Lambert with a smile. "Because I'll be winning it all back in the coming weeks, with interest on top."

The laughter that went up at that was nice. Eskel was satisfied all the worthwhile things in his possession had found good homes. Vesemir had already taken the spices and seeds he had returned with, along with the small mountain of foods that would keep them well fed over winter. What Eskel didn't expect was the hugs and pats to his back as they got ready to get to bed.

"It was nice to see you smiling and laughing again," Jaskier commented.

"This was like the old days," Lambert agreed, rubbing his knuckles over the top of Eskel's head viciously.

Aiden clasped his shoulder and gave it a squeeze with a smile. "Good to have you back."

It wasn't like Eskel had ever left, he had been there all those years, it was the others who didn't want him. It didn't matter now though. They'd had one final night together, it all went well. Eskel waved goodbye to them all, heart heavy but also light. He couldn't have asked for a better final evening.

Back at his room, he sat down on his bed and looked around. There wasn't much left. The furs and throws were all down in the communal areas, he'd migrated those down over the last couple of weeks. His armour wouldn't fit anyone and it wasn't suitable for reworking for the others. It would be the perfect thing to wear to his funeral pyre so he pulled it on one last time, taking a deep breath as the familiar scent of worn leather enveloped him. All the potions he'd brought back with him were lined up on his bedside table. He knew what he was doing. The others would understand, maybe even take it as the gift he meant it to be. He wouldn't be the odd one out anymore, the loner who brought the group down by hanging onto their coattails. They could have their double dates, their romantic getaways without having to worry about him or feeling guilty for leaving him behind.

The first potion was Cat, he downed it, feeling the world shift into larger clarity in the darkness of his room. It didn't sit heavy in his stomach, three potions were fine to take, four was when the toxicity began to affect him. Though Eskel was a large man, he could probably deal with about six potions before he became ill. It was why he had fifteen little bottles lined up, one worse than the other in terms of toxicity. Next, a Maribor Forest slid down his throat, followed by a Lapwing. They were all conflicting potions, making his body shake. Brock tasted foul but it was still better than Rook which made Eskel's heart pound. Taking a break, Eskel settled back on his bed, head spinning. He could feel his whole body shaking with unspent energy the potions teased out of him. It felt horrible, his stomach roiled. Without his attention on some creature and the fight for his life, Eskel couldn't help but focus on the way his joints seemed to itch, his muscles tingling.

Five potions weren't going to be enough. Reaching for another bottle, Eskel knocked back two Thunderbolts in a row. He gagged but pushed on, head swimming. Virga at least tasted a little better. It was wiped out by the Nekker Warrior Decoction. The world was fuzzy, Eskel whimpered a little as his muscles seized and cramped and his stomach ached. He'd rarely taken enough potions to even flirt with the edges of toxicity, to deliberately do it was agony. This wasn't how he'd expected it to go, he thought he'd take them, lie back and go to sleep. Pain was not part of the deal but he would shoulder it, this was his choice. A couple of the empty bottles clattered to the ground as he reached for the next one. Most of the Black Blood went down his chin as he spluttered. Leaning against the headboard, he closed his eyes, willing the wooziness to go.

Maybe to took more potions, maybe they were dreams, he didn't know. What Eskel did know was that he woke up in his bed, the sun shining bright in the sky. Head pounding and stomach churning, he could smell stale vomit in the air. Rolling onto his side, he threw up over the edge of his bed. Breathing shaky, Eskel coughed miserably and spat to clear the bitter taste from his mouth. Judging by the state of his floor, it wasn't the first time he had thrown up but it was definitely the only one he could remember. Flopping back onto the bed, Eskel covered his face with his palms and choked back on a howl of frustration. He couldn't even kill himself properly.

The problem was, Eskel had no plans for what to do if he failed. He'd been so certain that he would go to sleep and never wake up again. At a loss, he fell back onto habits and routine. He was already dressed in his armour which was acceptable clothing to go downstairs for breakfast. Nothing heavy, he couldn't face the idea of eating anything. But a drink of water would do him good. Stumbling into the kitchen, he grunted a greeting at the others who seemed to be having lunch. Of course they didn't notice he hadn't gotten up for breakfast. Either that or they just didn't care.

"You're dressed ready for war," Lambert joked but the smile on his face froze when Eskel looked at him. "Woah. You look like shit."

Geralt was out of his seat and grabbing Eskel by the chin, giving him a close inspection and a less than subtle sniff. Whatever he detected had him tensing up and glancing to Lambert who looked alarmed too.

"Let's get a bit of food in you," Geralt rumbled and guided Eskel to the table where Aiden's face turned stricken. Even Jaskier and Yennefer looked solemn, their usual rivalry nowhere to be seen. In fact, everyone seemed intent of giving Eskel the attention he didn't crave.

From the doorway, Lambert called, "Geralt" and stepped back. But the clink of bottles in his hand and the hushed, hurried conversation gave away the fact Eskel's dirty secret had been found out.

"I'll go clean the room but he's not going back there. Not alone," Lambert growled. The others around the table didn't even bother pretending they weren't listening in.

Vesemir's footsteps approached and Eskel wished fervently that the potions had done the job. Especially as he listened to the conversation.

"What's going on here?"

"It's Eskel he-" the clink of bottles followed again, Lambert no doubt showing Vesemir the evidence of Eskel's shame.

"I see." Vesemir rumbled softly and walked into the kitchen. He sat down next to Eskel, not saying a word. However, he squeezed his shoulder and swapped out the tankard of water for a warm tea, adding a dash of honey to it. "Geralt, get a Golden Oriole from the cupboard."

Eskel could only watch as it was added to his tea, heart sinking. Nobody said anything. Not even when Lambert returned, looking a little green in the face. He sat down, squirming in the silence.

"Are we not going to say anything about it?" He asked in the end. "We can't just pretend it never happened."

"We won't," Vesemir replied, voice warm but also full of warning. "But there's a time and place for everything. Right now, our priority is the physical. The Golden Oriole will help. Then Eskel will go and have a lie down in front of the fire to sleep and let his body heal."

It was so much easier to follow Vesemir's instructions than have to think for himself. Eskel hadn't thought he'd see the sun again, hadn't thought he'd have to worry about things like daily chores and ways to spend the long hours of a day. At some point he must have finished his tea because the mug was empty but Eskel didn't remember it. He was ushered towards the pile of furs and throws from his room and he sank into them, exhausted already. He was only half awake as he heard the conversation around him while a throw was carefully draped over him.

"How could he do this?" Geralt hissed, sounding angry for the first time. "Why would he do this to us?"

"I'm sure we'll find out." The reply from Vesemir was soft and calm. "But what we need to focus on is helping him realise it was a good thing he didn't succeed."

"What if he tries again?"

"We have to hope he doesn't. He won't be alone for the next few weeks, we'll take turns keeping him company. And hope that we can do enough to make him want to stay." Vesemir was oddly calm and resigned. "I've seen others do this before. We can only hope to counter the darkness that has befallen his mind."

Lambert joined the quiet conversation. "But he seemed so happy last night. In fact, he's been the most at peace in years. I thought he was getting better."

Even half asleep, Eskel could understand the words, appreciate the thoughts behind them. But he didn't know if the plan would work. He doubted the others would understand or would be able to do anything to help him. After all, they still had their partners, lovers and each other. All Eskel knew for certain was that if he tried again, he'd do something with an assured outcome. He just hoped the others would understand.

[greenhappyseed]

BnHA Chapter 317: Thoughts & comparisons part 2 - THE OLD MAN AND THE KID

As mentioned in Part 1, I'm splitting my thoughts on Chapter 317 into 3 posts: this one about Deku and All Might (part 2), plus separate posts on the hero brain trust and the media (part 1) and the hero killer Stain (part 3).

* * * * * * * * * *

This part of the chapter was an emotional sucker punch and gave me strong "Gift of the Magi" vibes. All Might is trying to protect his boy by following him, and Deku is trying to protect his idol by saying goodbye. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee of safety for anyone right now, so their "gifts" of protection are unusable. All Might isn't safe whether All Might follows Deku or stays behind. Same for Deku -- his loved ones aren't safe whether he accepts their help or not. It's the harsh reality of what AFO does. The real thing that All Might and Deku need to focus on isn't giving each other the "gift" of safety, but on how strong their bond is.

The main stumbling block is that Deku STILL idolizes All Might (as All Might recognized a few chapters ago). As the adult, it was on All Might to speak up, but he didn't because he's scared to disappoint his boy. He already knows the pain of disappointing a fanboy, so this would take it to a whole new level. But if he really wants to keep Izuku in his life, he MUST risk it and tell the kid all the things he wishes someone had told him. As I wrote previously (between Ch 315-16) it's maddening because we know All Might is capable of having this kind of frank talk with Izuku -- he did it all the way back in Ch 2. All Might saw Izuku overworking himself and modified the workout plan to moderate Izuku's extreme behavior, which would have prevented Izuku from reaching his ultimate goal if left unchecked. So yeah, All Might knows better, and knows he can’t stand idly by while his kid makes a massive deadly mistake. When a child doesn’t have the capacity to help themselves and the consequences are serious, an adult HAS to step in and help ASAP. Talk to the kid, talk to the kid’s friends/teachers, talk to professionals. Keep going until your kid gets the help they need, because even if a parent/guardian can’t help directly, it’s their responsibility to find that help for their kid. Haven’t we learned anything from the lost children in the League of Villains?

Meanwhile, Deku doesn't see All Might as a human who loves Izuku Midoriya. I think, in part due to his being bullied and his innate tendency to not take himself into account, he sees All Might's devotion to him as part of a predecessor-successor relationship. Deku will struggle as long as he sees "All Might" as an ideal and not the human in front of him. (Admittedly, I thought the HPSC storyline might go here and disclose All Might’s awareness of some “grey” missions, causing Deku to look at his mentor through a different lens.) But even now, Deku is trying to have an "I AM HERE" moment so All Might is proud of his successor, but fails to realize All Might is ALREADY PROUD (in part because All Might hasn't vocalized it in a way that Deku can truly hear it). The "You don't look back at me anymore..." in context is immediately followed up by this glowing Dadmight moment:

It only becomes a sad moment in retrospect as All Might realizes (1) he didn't really tell Deku explicitly how proud he was often enough; and (2) the full weight of what it means to nurture a child towards independence (and that his boy is just like him, and is heading towards the same fate as him....)

While I definitely think Bakugo will knock some sense into Deku, I still think All Might is the only one that can truly “release” Deku from these burdens, especially the ones related to the “Symbol of Peace” and the Shimura family that are tied directly to All Might. We see this in Deku’s callbacks:

Nana in the vestige world sobbing over her mistake in giving up Kotaro, saying she and Gran Torino were wrong, and testing Deku’s resolve to save Shigaraki. Juxtaposed with Gran Torino saying, "I should have made the kill...sorry...don't be so rigid. Killing can be another way to save someone," and Shigaraki screaming in emotional pain, “I don’t care if you understand. That’s what makes us heroes and villains!” It’s not just AFO — it’s the weight of generations and broken families on Deku’s shoulders. It’s All Might’s failure to save Shigaraki earlier that has become Deku’s problem now.

Post-USJ Deku meeting with All Might, talking about the first time he used OFA without breaking himself, and All Might pressuring Deku to become the Symbol of Peace. Even though All Might no longer feels that way, and SO MUCH has happened since then, he never clearly said so to Deku, and Deku keeps that weight on himself. The past never dies.

Deku is overwhelmed and destined for a poor decision that will hurt someone or himself, which would definitely play into the media's (and AFO's) hands. First, note the flashback inception with Deku recalling the post-USJ All Might meeting, which itself contains a flashback to Thirteen lecturing about how uncontrolled quirks can kill.

Second, the image of the defeated assassin is downright ominous, with the way All Might is shown above Deku's shoulder like a conscience [Edit: see @codenamesazanka's post here for a Spinner parallel!!] and the way the villain is tied up with his head hanging back, mouth open, eyes rolled back…. Deku and All Might are in shadow, and the villain is in the light…. no real attempt to talk to or understand the villain, just what he knows of AFO……SO MUCH POWER in a volatile teenager with too much responsibility and too few physical and emotional reserves. This won't end well.

Ok, time to bring the real Dadmight pain. All Might dives to save Midoriya and falls. The only other time he’s fallen flat on the ground like that is when he dove to save the random lady during the Cider House incident (which we got in the anime last week). In that fight, All Might needed a guardian gremlin to save him from falling debris. Hopefully that means he’ll go to UA and find young Bakugo soon, and he won't do something dumb and sacrificial in the meantime. WHO SAVES THE (EX-) HEROES?

All Might is a genuinely good person with good intentions, and he drove himself into the ground to help others, but he’s NOT a god. He’s not infallible or omniscient. He has tunnel vision from pursing the same mission from age 14 to, uh, 50-something, and is learning how to function as a "normal" adult. He never asked for help before, and in fact, considered it shameful (even in Kamino). He needs to follow the advice he was going to give to Deku, and reach out to others to save his little boy and himself. He’s still very much capable of inspiring others, even if he needs to rest sometimes. And with that, we cut to Stain, an extremist who believes in self-sacrifice and idolizes prime All Might. Cue Part 3...

A few other points:

Nobody in this arc (including Deku) seems to be using All Might as a resource based on his decades of experience with the media OR with AFO, and it really bothers me. Why is All Might excluded from the brain trust? They’re acting like All Might is useless because he’s quirkless and no longer a ranked hero, but he's still got his brain and his memories. Are Endeavor, Hawks, and Mt Lady really going to chat with Edgeshot and sort it all out??? Will Jeanist's fiber puns stop AFO??? Ugh. This is why hero society as we know it needs to be radically reworked; these top heroes are misusing resources and NOT TALKING to people who might actually have useful info. Does a "hero" need to wear a costume or hold a license to use their brain?

Will anyone tell Inko???? I posted before about this chapter's reference to All Might promising her that he’ll keep Deku safe. But she generally only appears after Deku gets a big advancement of some sort, so I don't know if she'll pop up soon...although I feel like she might need to? (E.g., my pet theory is that we only get her note in the hospital after the forest raid because Deku saved Kota but failed to save Bakugo.) Who else has "lifted up" All Might except Izuku, Inko, and Aizawa -- and Aizawa is probably not in a place to do heavy emotional labor right now???

Others have noted the outreached hand parallels (PAIN!) so I won’t belabor that. BUT look at All Might’s hand, how it is first outstretched and then starting to curl as he realizes he can’t reach Deku in time. Also, how small and frail All Might's hand looks as it curls up. He's normally drawn with huge hands (as big as Deku’s head) so to see his hands look equal in size to Deku’s shows Deku’s growth. Also, contrast this set of hands moving apart with how we saw hands moving together at Kamino, where All Might’s fighting inspired fearlessness. Hopefully All Might can “fight” here too, and inspire the next generation to to amazing things.

[sunnykeysmash]

S14's theme of Trust: How Global Warming reaffirms the Macden meta we already know

Or, a half reworked set of discussions from my Twitter about the underlying themes of FAITH/TRUST and CHANGE present in this season. Particularly between macden because I don't give a damn for the rest. Sidenote: my twitter thread about trust that takes up half of this post was actually written BEFORE GW came out, and despite that it got reinforced thanks to GW meta.

I apologize in advance if the reading isn't as fluid as it could be, it's hard to order the threads in a single cohesive explanation but I still tried my best. Plus, english isn't my first language.

This post contains speculation that links to my previous meta posts, tagged under "iasip meta". That's where I discuss the theme of change more in detail, not here. They're a little outdated in terms of episode prediction but the meta analysis in them holds up and was reinforced in GW.

The bible = Trust/Faith

So, how does faith/trust get in the way of their relationship? Who has it, who doesn't?

Let's address it. This might be long but bear with me I guess. First we need to address what broke their trust.

North Dakota

(aka the element that broke the link of trust between macden for good, from which they are still trying to recover; and how we got there; their shift in dynamic because of it and how it's a vicious cycle that feeds itself until a breaking point, with no possibility for rational discussion. "How Mac will reject Dennis as a final test to restore their trust")

Part 1: how it affected Dennis

It is my understanding that dennis has been left profoundly scarred by how his decision to leave to north dakota went and he has been blaming the gang for failing to stop him from leaving, and especially blaming Mac. Which lead to the events in Chokes.

Where he felt frustrated at Mac for doing everything Dennis says and never going against him. He's constantly pushing him and being abrasive because he wishes for him to snap and act on his own volition.

Because aside from feeling like he can't trust anyone, and like no one in the gang cares for him, he most of all feels like he can't trust himself. He has been scarred by the consequences of his own actions, and doesn't know what else he might do that could have a similar effect.

Of course a person who can't really trust himself would feel paralyzed, they would not act or do anything. Which is why we are moving away from that, slowly. We need to have this progression in order for Dennis to Realize anything at all.

So Chokes as an episode is sort of a milestone, it runs really deep in multiple overarching events and developments. It's not just fixing macden's dynamic, it's beginning to fix a core problem that stops dennis from reaching macden and that has been prominent at least ever since Tends Bar.

It's something that has been going on in the background for a while, that is touched upon sometimes. Dennis desperately wants the gang to care about him.

So when he is surprised by the RPG on the day that for him is most emblematic of the gang not caring, I think it hit deeper than what we're assuming. His feelings were challenged.

DDL is a result of many things. On the surface it's him wanting to be a dad for his child the way Frank never could for him. I think it was also a test though. If they truly cared, they would stop him. They wouldn't want him to go away.

Now. They don't. That stings. Then things possibly go south in North Dakota. That also stings. It's easy to mentally connect the two and realize the hurt he's experiencing. "If they had stopped me, none of this would've happened" I assume is the correlation he made mentally.

So then he probably thought about Mac, and the gesture he made. He thought that meant something, but then him, like the rest of the gang, did nothing. So he's even more angry at him. "For a moment I really thought he cared, why wouldn't he do something?" Betrayal.

So that to me explains why he's been acting like shit towards Mac. And he's been slowly trying to work through his feelings on the matter, as S13 sorta showed initially, with him not wanting to address it at all for a while, and when he tried again no one cared. He's been trying.

I wonder if it's a possibility that, as we reach the resolution to this circumstance, he will try to bring it up again. I wouldn't count on it necessarily, but character wise it would simply make sense. If he's getting over the problem, he's leaving ND behind. He should, I mean.

Part 2: how it affected Mac

But this isn't just a circumstance that hinders Dennis, it has deeply afflicted Mac too, in a way that is just as personal. "No matter what I do for a person, they can still choose to leave me", it is no wonder to see that side of him exacerbated, then.

Before ND, Mac trusted Dennis' words, enough to let him leave if he said he wanted to, even if it hurt. Before ND, Dennis trusted that Mac would always "be there to catch him if he faltered", that he cared, especially after the RPG moment.

These were true. They could always count on each other, trust each other. ND changed everything, and altered their dynamic in a way that we are still feeling, and still trying to remedy. That Mac and Den especially are still desperately trying to remedy.

They /want/ to go back to their codependent dynamic, they /need/ to. But the way they are desperately trying to is only making things worse and worse, and it's a terrible cycle.

[ The more Dennis rejects Mac in hope that Mac will finally go against him, the more Mac is desperately trying to appease Dennis so that he won't leave him, the more Dennis is annoyed and dissatisfied of Mac's submissive behavior and becomes more abrasive in return. ]

Which is why I think discussing that event is a necessity in order for macden to even happen at all. They theoretically need a face to face conversation to resolve these core insecurities that are getting in the way of their friendship (and possibly more).

It doesn't have to be a romantic thing either, it is just necessary for this conflict to be addressed in order for their dynamic to go back to normal. But that can't happen without a breaking point. We know them enough to assume that they're not gonna just discuss it rationally. It would be the correct way to handle the situation, but they're not like that.

Whether everything resolves positively (as in, their dynamic finally shifting back to before ND) depends on how much they want to stay together and what they are willing to sacrifice or compromise for it. Whether certain grievances can be stronger than their bond itself (and I'm pretty sure they can't, or mac and den would've parted already, long ago).

Mac's internal conflict is likely what will make it so that we have to wait a year. If it just isn't resolved, then he would want proof that Dennis isn't /just saying/ stuff. Den might assure him that he isn't but is that enough for Mac?

How do you resolve a conflict that is basically just a huge almost debilitating fear of abandonment and mistrust of the other person's words? In what way can you possibly prove it wrong?

We know Mac loves Dennis, of course he does. But does he trust Dennis? The way he has been behaving towards him tells me otherwise. He doesn't stand up to him.

Not only that but, more specifically, he's always "interpreting" everything Dennis says, you can see it in Texts for example. He knows den never means what he says, and always has an ulterior motive or hidden meaning. He doesn't take den's rejections at heart too much because he knows they're fake.

So now imagine Dennis has a change of heart. Now he goes to Mac, and he tells him Exactly How He Truly Feels. Knowing the way Mac is used to interpreting Dennis, I don't think he'd believe him. He'd want to, but he probably couldn't.

And I don't think Mac even realizes this lack of trust at all. I think it's gonna hit him exactly as it's happening. He might feel happy at first, then be confused at his sense of uneasiness like he's been used and lied to, like Dennis is saying it to manipulate him.

But that's just for words. Physically speaking, I think Mac is very much aware that Dennis has no intention of ever leaving again, nor can he really. That's how it seemed to be in tggr at least.

The abandonment Mac is afraid of is purely emotional at this point with Dennis. It doesn't need to be a "what if he moves out". More of a "what if he doesn't like me anymore and is using me".

So anyway, about the cycle I mentioned earlier.

This feels like a build up. They can't go on like this forever, they will reach a breaking point. I don't expect them to have an honest and open and calm confrontation and solve their differences before a huge snap of both of them happens, I expect the snap.

You know, either Dennis gets too abrasive and Mac finally "snaps out of him", or Mac gets too submissive and Dennis grows tired of him.

However thanks to Chokes and now Global Warming, we can safely predict it'll be the first one. Chokes set us on a path of Mac making his own decisions, which thanks to GW we know will backfire.

They'll fight, Dennis will be overwhelmed by it as Mac ""leaves"", more on that later, first let me finish my discussion on trust.

I find it suspicious how all the episodes with a semblance of resolution that we have had so far only seemed to fix Dennis' conflicts with Macden. We have failed to address Mac's lack of trust in Dennis' words, even in Texts I think. Especially in Texts.

In Texts it wasn't communication that solved the problem, it was an act, a stare. And we only ever heard Dennis' side of it. Mac at this point already believes that Dennis likes him, so there was nothing new for him to discover at the end.

If anything, it reinforced his belief that Dennis says the opposite of what he thinks, that he isn't honest. Because despite how he's been acting all day, he still saw affection in his eyes, I assume.

But Mac has already always paid attention to what Dennis "really meant", I mean, he does it throughout Texts, thought in the wrong way because it was still through text (miscommunication) and he didn't like to consider the alternative.

I put "really meant" in quotations because Dennis doesn't really work like that. Sure a lot of times Dennis doesn't say what he really means so of course Mac would start interpreting him like that, but there are still many times when he's actually honest. This is just Mac's black and white way of seeing den.

Anyway.

As a result of not feeling heard, Dennis actually developed a heavier and more frequent use of sarcasm. Because if people won't do what he says, then maybe if he says the opposite they'll listen to him. It's a reflex born out of frustration.

Back to the "trust" thing now, because see, all this time Dennis has been acting under the underlying assumption that Mac will choose Him every time. Mac doesn't have this assumption, he has been acting to Prevent Dennis from NOT choosing him.

It's gonna be really interesting, if this turns out to be correct, to see the tables be turned and find out that Dennis was the one with faith. We are used to see Mac believe have it, in god and in their relationship, but ultimately it's Dennis that is trusting Mac to make the right decisions. Which includes choosing Dennis every time.

That's a bigass trust to have for someone who says they have no faith. In contrast to that, what faith has Mac put in Dennis? None that I can think of, he actively does stuff that will please dennis, so far.

"leaving"/"rejecting" Dennis in the finale would constitute, again, Mac's faith in Dennis. He would be choosing something that goes right against everything Dennis wants, having faith that this won't mean they grow apart, and maybe even trusting that it's what Dennis actually needs. And it's what Mac would need as well, as proof that Dennis is serious. Because if he doesn't change his mind, then he is. And you can finally see how the whole season has been constructed as a way to move away from the ND conflict in order to fix their dynamic and broken trust in order to make macdennis work.

This calls back to my meta reading for the first half of the season. Again. This is old stuff. But still accurate.

Some snippets.

I now have a more detailed speculation on how Jumper will go which is no longer the one I had in that meta post, but I will spare you the useless talk and get back to my point. Maybe save that for another post. All I need to say here is that Dennis will be adamant that the answer is SHOULD WE: NO, Mac will want to prove him wrong but Dennis will be proven right, subsequently starting the path for Mac's change of outlook. And what will make him say "no"(t yet) even once Dennis believes they should. Boom, karma.

ANYWAY.

Dennis knows he can depend on Mac or at least he's learning so, Mac isn't sure if he can do the same.

As the two bicker over who had trust in who, and who broke the other's trust, it'll come to the surface, through text, that the roles have shifted. Dennis was trusting Mac all along, Mac wasn't.

Which is why Mac deciding for himself, deciding something that goes against Dennis, saying "no", is the biggest leap of faith Mac can take, the thing that would show us that yes, finally, Mac believes Dennis will still choose him.

TGGR's final part of macden's plot itself shows us Mac accepting Dennis' cynical point of view and losing faith. "I guess we're not gonna get that romantic comedy ending after all". But that is not the note the episode ends with.

Right as Mac accepts that it's not happening, we see Charlie and Frank's ending part of their plot. They're reaching back, they have a new realization. Nikki says that they feel the same way, but they still say no for the time being.

How does this all link to Global Warming, finally?

The Global Warming meta

The jump, the realization, the acceptance, in all the meta I have analyzed in the episodes, it all comes AFTER the explosion, the rejection. First things explode and Mac "leaves", THEN Dennis is overwhelmed and changes his mind, reevaluates. Think of the Nikki&Alexi and Charlie&Frank plot as a frame of reference for this. Think of Chokes also, first Mac says "No", then Dennis is satisfied.

NOW, Global Warming macdennis meta, at its most basic, goes as follows:

Dennis thought what he liked was the sexy girls dancing, then they revolted against him and literally overpowered him, and in the aftermath he has a new outlook on the japanese guys that he once disliked. At the same time as this happens, Mac isn't there to help him.

At the same time, we always see Dennis trying to rationalize his way out of conflicts, and it never working, not with Mac, not with the people in the bar.

Basically, we reach a breaking point in the conflict, and Dennis is overwhelmed by it, Mac doesn't help him in GW, he "leaves", I imagine this symbolizing that Mac finally agreeing with Dennis in the actual final conflict would feel to Den like Mac is "giving up on them". Dennis took Mac choosing him for granted, and he now learns how much trust he had in Mac despite saying otherwise (Chokes) and how much it meant to him. Dennis comes out of it changed.

They both do.

This, as I posted about previously, is all part of "God's plan". Dennis gave Mac back his "free will" in Chokes so that Mac's harsh final decisions could ultimately aid their relationship and trust.

We need Mac to turn Dennis down for the time being AND for Dennis to not change his mind during the wait, for the trust to be restored for both of them. To remedy North Dakota once and for all, and move into the macdennis territory. In a year, aka next season.

So finally, we can see how TGGR, Chokes, Texts and now GW all work together as milestones that set us in that direction.

[bettsfic]

betts, you've always given amazing writing advice in the past, so I'm coming to you with a question that legitimately keeps me up at night. I really want to write literary fiction. the only issue is - whenever I start writing that kind stuff, it immediately starts turning into porn? like, obviously, there is plot and stuff but it feels like ultimately all I want to write is people fucking and all the fall out that comes with it. is there a way to make this more ~literary? or is it just erotica?

i actually have a real, serious answer to this!! 

so, before the MFA, all i’d written was porn. it was all i knew how to write. i got to the MFA, and my first semester i decided to workshop candy tongue. bad idea. i was so comfortable writing for my fandom audience that i wasn’t aware of the stodgy nature of non-fandom audiences. my cohort was fine reading the incest stuff and the gratuitous sex, but they had trouble giving me feedback because they didn’t understand the point of it. and truly, there was none. i made maggie a gold-star submissive because i wanted to, even though it had no real function in the story. i wrote like 4 graphic sex scenes into a 25k novella, and i workshopped it, and made everyone, myself included, deeply uncomfortable.

i decided i could not write porn in my MFA. i was allowed and even encouraged by my thesis advisor, but ultimately i didn’t want the stress of it hanging over my head. so i started writing about money, and picking through my resentment toward my decade spent in finance. in fact the working title of my thesis was Sex & Money. i workshopped each story without being nervous at all, and realized i was taking no risks. by the end of my MFA, i really thought i was pulling my punches. 

and let me share the results of this sex/money content divide -- i’ve sent five stories out for publication. the two that haven’t picked up are the ones about money. the three that have been picked up are about sex. in one, a middle-aged woman buys her first dildo. that one won an award. in another, a 22 year old woman pursues her middle-aged boss. that one got nominated for a PEN. and in my most recent publication, an asexual masochist falls in love with his professional sadist. 

what i’m saying is, sex and stories about it are important. i’ve since separated my thesis collection into two -- zucchini, which is about (a)sexual exploration told through realism/absurdism, and dotted lines, which is a collection of fabulist stories about commodification and regulation. will they ever be published? probably not. will they ever even be finished? who knows! i’m a novelist, not a short storyist.

the resolution to your problem isn’t in how to avoid porn. rather you should ask, why do you write porn in the first place? and that answer is most likely: it’s the easiest conflict to write, and it exposes the characters’ true colors and intentions most easily. it’s a tool to uncover the story you are trying to tell. when you write two characters banging it out, you are resolving their conflict of desire in a tangible way. moreover, it’s an extremely high stake. when characters have sex, they’re at their most vulnerable, their most exposed. they’re literally laid bare for you, the writer, to see. if you think about the highest possible stakes in a story, it boils down to creation and destruction, sex and death. writing about death is a fucking bummer, so you’re left with sex to figure out who your characters really are. 

with porn, so many of your decisions -- like what and why, you know, conflict and motive -- are made for you, and you can focus on the important stuff, like pacing and voice and character. i firmly believe that when you begin any major project, you can’t make all your decisions at once. you can only make a few at a time, draft over draft, until eventually you’ve created an entire world. if all character A wants is to bang character B, you can get him across that distance without figuring out the make and model of the car he drives, or how often he calls his grandmother. those are decisions that can be made later, after your characters boink.

i have accepted that nearly everything i write will have what i call a “prime draft” in polite company but which is actually a porn draft. this isn’t even a first draft, it’s the 0th draft, where anything goes, and my id can run wild. the entire purpose of the porn draft can be frivolous nonsense with no depth or complexity. completely pressure-free and all for funsies. but i have to tell the story the fun way, the story i want to tell, to figure out what the story even is, what work it’s doing, and what i maybe want it to become later. in the porn draft, i’m allowing myself to focus on certain decisions, and sacrifice others for future drafts.

when i sit down and think of a novel i want to write, and that novel is Real and Important and tackling Difficult Topics, my boner flags. that’s not fun. i’m not inspired by seriousness or profound meaning. i may have all these important things i want to say in my writing, but in terms of the actual act, i mostly want to entertain and engage myself. and call me shallow, but the fastest way to do that is by giving me a hot character who is pining over another hot character, and they fuck a lot. 

once i’ve written the porn draft, i can go through and uncover the ~literary work i’m trying to do and the messages i’m trying to convey. usually i’ve figured out the major beats of the story, the voice, setting, motivations, etc. -- all things that are hard for me to figure out on the front end -- and i rework it into something more palatable for major audiences, that actually is Real and Important and tackling Difficult Topics.

the thing is, often the work i’m trying to do is about sex and sexual exploration, identity and its discovery, so usually i can’t take out all the porn. but i can make sure each scene is focused not on the pleasure or arousal i intended in the porn draft, but what i mean to uncover in my characters and plot by having it occur. that’s the difference between literary fiction and erotica -- in erotica, you’re trying to arouse your audience’s body; in literature, you’re trying to arouse their heart :’)

sex is allowed to and should exist in literature. some of my favorite literary works have tons of sex in them. it is not something to be shied away from or self-censored. if you want to write about sex, you should. but let the story tell you its underlying intentions, and in future drafts, pull those discoveries to the forefront of the story. 

i wrote training wheels solely for the detention scene in chapter 8. everything that happened up to that point was leading to that scene that i desperately wanted to write. and now, in the original fiction version, it doesn’t exist. it was scaffolding, an illusion i was chasing to lower the pressure on myself and convince myself i didn’t have to take anything seriously. but once the story was built and i saw what it really was, i could remove that scaffolding because the piece stands stronger without it. now, on the fourth draft, it’s no longer the story i originally intended it to be. it’s its own beast. there’s still a ton of sex in it, but it’s more subtle now, less over the top and gratuitous. it still ends in overt bdsm. i didn’t sacrifice any of that, because that was the work of the story. what i did sacrifice was descriptions of enormous throbbing cocks and characters coming 5 times in a row. 

same goes for some of my km prompts like coping skills and shut up and kill me -- stories that have way too much sex in them right now but have literary merit yet to be uncovered. coping skills might currently be a noncon pissplay fic, but it’s also a world in which character A has given blanket consent to character B, and B takes advantage of it, and beneath all that, they still somehow love each other. it’s an interesting space to explore, ripe for a story in which maybe nobody pees on anybody else, or maybe they do and it’s described in a different way. whatever might happen in that space, i needed the porn draft to even see those characters in that world with that conflict. and now i have it, and i can build something else with it.  

writing advice tag | ko-fi

[emiplayzart]

Reblogging on the art blog :D

Made a logo for the Bad End Friends fandom last night for fun just because- Probably gonna change and edit it as time goes on but just thought I'd share this, :D