#....so basically what all those 'bill is in stan's head!!!' theories were back in the day i guess?

[nenoname]

i've seen some also get mad at the oracle's prophecy of "ford having the face of the man destined to defeat bill" meaning stan, and while i'm very much "it was a team effort that required the both of them!!!", it was emphasised that mindscape!stan had to punch bill when he was weakened to actually kill him cos otherwise ford using the memory gun would have just sublimated bill into the back of stan's mind and he would've just came back sooner or later

[rhodochrosite-love]

WOW everyone who commented on my Wirt birthday post are amazing!

Here’s the au I’ve been working on where it started off as just a Ford Pines self insert, but turned into very interesting idea!

Stanley is kicked out and Ford goes to Backupsmore, while Penny stays in Jersey to help pay off her childhood home’s mortgage. All in the early 1970s.

Ford is awarded a doctorate 3 years ahead of schedule, and prepares to move to Gravity Falls, Oregon in 1973.

In the same instant, Ford gets a call from his parents and after he tells them he’s moving to the northwest, they inform him of Penny living with them. Shocked, Ford is conflicted. Should he go to his sweetheart? He couldn’t imagine what could’ve happened that made her stay in his parents home… After consulting with Fiddleford, he quickly travelled back to Jersey to confront Penny.

Penny explains that she couldn’t take care of the house like she thought she could, what with her book-keeping job as well as her secretary position AND the pressure from it all really weighing her down. She couldn’t help her home anymore so she turned to the only people she knew left in Glass Shard-- Filbrick and Caryn Pines. She had been pulling her weight with buying food, despite Caryn’s pleas to rest whenever she could and her job offers.

Ford listened and took her side. He said he was moving out West to Oregon and had wanted her to come with him. He missed her dearly and could clearly see she needed to get away-- Jersey is no place for a princess.

She accepts in a heartbeat at the thought of living out there, alone with her sweetheart amongst the wood.

1972-1979 Penny and Ford start a life of adventure in Gravity Falls up in their cabin in the woods, catalouging new anomalies every day! After such a hard time, Penny adores the relaxing atmosphere and spending time with her boyfriend after 3(ish) years.

C. 1976 Penny can’t help but begin to think about the future with Ford, and tries to decide whether or not they should marry. In her heart she knows she wants to, but in her mind she feels as though Ford wouldn’t be as on board for whatever reason. After speaking with Susan (Lazy Susan) and Lana (Wendy’s mom), her newfound friends, she decides she has to speak with Ford!

After being avoided most of the day by her beloved (due to him being very distracted by the mystery of the Hide-Behind, and eventually their unavoidable run-in with it. emotional scenes with Penny’s annoyed tone) At the end of the day, Ford admits over dinner that he was avoiding her for the whole day due to his nervousness. After being asked why, he tells her that… “I’ve been fascinated by anomalies my whole life-- the Hide-Behind, the Gnomes, the Eyebats, that UFO theory I’ve still got stuck in my head--” “Stanford, please.” “--Even I, as normal as I may seem, my six fingers made me who I am today! … But… “ Ford reaches in his coat’s pocket, and pulls something from it and places it on the dinner table. “You, Penelope Wright, have been the one thing that’s done both for me-- Fascinated me, baffled me, cherished me, twirled me ‘round and ‘round again ‘til I was dizzy with delight.” “Ford, what’re ya sayin’?” “Penny, dearest... “ He reveals the item, it being a ring with the sweetest red gem in its center shaped like a rounded heart. Penny sniffled, “The apple… Stanford, you’re such a prince!” Before he could utter those four simple words, Penny kissed him breathless. When she pulled away, he was flushed from his ears to his nose and asked her then, whispered against her lips. She said yes, and then many times that night.

C. 1977 Bill realizes his plan is being challenged by this engagment! He had never thought of Penny to be a true problem until now, what with the now foretold probability of the wedding and children as a distraction! Bill makes a deal with Lana to guide Ford to the cave in which Bill was scribed by the natives in exchange for a long life. Ford summons Bill and to no avail, nothing happens until Ford falls asleep.

It was then Ford dreams about Bill and begins to work with him to open his dimension to study the weirdness of Gravity Falls and beyond.

With the new development in the mysteries, the wedding is delayed and Ford and Penny become very busy in their new findings with Bill’s help.

C. 1978 Fiddleford McGucket is employed as the head engineer in building the Portal to the other dimension. Upon hearing the news of Stanford’s engagment, he hoorah’d and congradulated his old roommate.

C. 1978-1979 The portal has been built, as well as the bunker and the second level of the basement. Fiddleford begins to despise his creation and begs Ford not to follow through with his plans and instead publish his findings and settle down properly with Penny. Ford declines and they move to test the portal the next day, Jan 18th 1979.

Jan 19th 1979. Fiddleford gets sucked into the portal, but then gets rescued by Penny and quits the whole she-bang.

Jan 20th, 1979. Bill sees that he has to manipulate Penny, too. She’d been taking Fidds’ side, and since she’s very close with Ford, it’s necessary. He enters her dreams and states that if she make a deal with him, he can make him see reality again. To Penny’s knowledge, Ford’s been driven to madness with his paranoia and struggles to see the light. Bill says that he can fix everything. If he ensconced a baby in Penny’s womb, one that’s both her’s and Ford’s completely, he will see the light again. In return, she has to take a hike. She makes the deal, and he ultimately sends her away. Confused, she cries. But when Bill explains that he basically makes her pregnant with a baby of a man that ‘doesn’t love her anymore’, and literally told her to ‘take a hike’. Embarrassed and humiliated, she flees into town and stays there, leaving Bill to torment Ford to his isoceles heart’s delight.

Sometime in October, before the 22nd, 1979. Penny gives birth to little Walter in Sacred Hirsch Community Hospital. At this point in time, Ford has been thrown into the portal by accident and Stanley has taken his place, in the process of making money for the new Murder Hut.

1980. Penny interrogates this new so-called Mr. Mystery, thinking he’s Ford. She rips at him, accusing him of neglecting her and hurting her. A lot of anger comes out, as well as sadness and despair and raw misery when she says that he no longer cared about her, and she doubted he ever had in the first place. When Stan pulls her to the side and finally looks her in the face clearly (before he was frantically looking around the room, his hut full of customers), he recognizes her faintly as Penelope Wright, the girl Sixer was in kahoots with back in Jersey. He sees her and the now crying baby she’s holding and connects the dots, and is flabbergasted that he’s an uncle! Well, he was already an uncle but that was for Shermie! Penny argues that it was a mistake. Little Walter was the making of a demon named Bill Cipher, and she never should have trusted him. Stan then takes her down to the basement and shows her what he’s done.

1981. Penny gets a job as a waitress at Greasy’s Diner with a little help from Lazy Susan.

1982. Penny needs to start fresh. Despite the fact that she’s got a job and is living with Stanley with a 3 year old Wirt (despite being named Walter, his first word was an attempt at ‘squirt’, which was a nickname given to him by Stanley. Everyone simply calls him Wirt now), she misses all the adventure from when she had Ford. Realizing she’s missing Ford, that son of a bitch that fell into a hole so deep he couldn’t climb out, she needs to get away. She saves up money from her Greasy’s job and now the Mystery Shack (unofficially hired. Stan just says that she’s always rearranging and flipping stuff over and it happens to look nice so he gives her some funds. She’s tried to refuse the money before, but he intensly insisted that she take it.) and moves to Arizona. Teary goodbyes are made and she hugs Stan the tightest of all, telling him to keep in touch.

1983-1994. Walter “Wirt” Wright is living in Arizona with his mother, Penelope Wright.

C. 1985. Greg Universe visits town and performs a live gig and seduces Penny. After a couple of succesful dates, they end up having unprotected sex. Not long after, he leaves town for another gig in Delmarva, doing gigs along the way. She ends up falling pregnant and struggles to comprehend the consequences.

C. 1986. Gregory Wright is born.

C. 1994. Halloween night, Wirt and Greg experience an adventure in The Unknown.

1999. Mason and Mabel Pines are born from Randy Pines and Kathy Pines

(2003. Steven Universe is born from Gregory “Universe” DeMayo and Pink “Rose Quartz” Diamond. Everything that happens with Steven is seperate from Dipper, Mabel, Wirt, and Greg.)

Update - Summer 2012. Penny takes a vacation to Gravity Falls and visits the Mystery Shack. She marvels at Dipper and Mabel and exclaims their cuteness. Mabel likes her when she’s given a butterscotch, but Dipper can’t help but question her motives. She seems awfully close with Stan and gets along well with everyone! Is she hiding something?

All is well until Dipper catches Penny trying to steal Journal #3, and he fights with her over it in his bedroom. Penny falls down and cracks something, making her scream. Stan rushes upstairs and takes Penny away, giving Dipper a nasty stinkeye. He tries to argue that she was trying to take his Journal, and Stan reacts by taking it himself.

Stan and Penny argue in the basement, saying that Dipper should have the Journal back. Stan tries to argue that he shouldn’t, but gives in. After making photocopies, Penny gives it back to Dipper. At first Dipper is skeptical, but awes when she tears up in front of him about it.

���Wow… You really care about the author, don’t you?” “Yeah, we were close…” She sits down beside him, opening the Journal to the Gnomes. “I remember the first time we saw the gnomes together… They tried to take me as queen!” “No way! They took Mabel as queen two weeks ago!” DIpper interjected, to which Penny laughed. “That explains this, then!” She pointed her crooked finger to the words; “Weakness: LEAFBLOWERS!” They both laughed.

At the end of it all, Dipper trusted Penny infineitly more. He was also more curious, as she knew the author. She wouldn’t give him a straight answer, however. Just saying he reminded her of her own son, Walter.

Penny stays in Gravity Falls until the Twins’ Birthday is over and they’re heading off to California.

August 22-25 2012. Weirdmageddon takes place. Penny serves as a scavenger and is found by McGucket and taken back to the Mystery Shack to be protected. She joins in the fight to defeat Bill Cipher, and when everyone’s in the Fearamid, it’s the first time Penny’s seen Stanford in nearly 33 years. He begins by saying hello, and saying he missed her. Before he can say anything further, she hugs him tightly, saying that he can apologize later. He prepares to retort, but when seeing Fidds’ face in response, he quietly hushes and hugs her back.

August 28 2012. Ford apologizes for how he acted and what he had done to her, like he always should have. She tells him about their son Wirt and he’s shocked. She tells him the deal she made and how she moved out of the state. After that conversation he hugs her tight and says she never should have gone through that. If he were a better man back then, she wouldn’t have had to make a deal to have a baby.

The same day, Mabel secretly arranges a wedding for her Grunkle Ford and new ‘Grauntie Penny’. Stan is on the sidelines for the whole occassion, but finally takes his brothers side as the Best Man. Mabel is the flower girl and Dipper bares the rings, while Susan is her maid of honor. Stanford promises to protect and cherish her for as long as he lives. Penny promises to care for him and heal him when the times arise. They smooch after some crazy heartfelt vows, thus they are married.

October 15 2012. Penny and Ford celebrate Wirt’s 33rd birthday. Wirt still isn’t used to his dad but comes around when he sees just how quizzical he is. They’re so alike it’s crazy!

November 2012. Penny joins Stan and Ford on the Stan ‘O War II.

(just to keep track-- in 2020 Wirt is 41, Dip and Mabs are 21, Greg is 34, and Steven is 17)

Mans that’s what I have! I’d love to hear anything from y’all about this!

[eddieeatsass]

The Key to Pleasure

Pairing: Reddie, Stanlonbrough, Benverly Rating: E Warnings: smut, explicit language Read over on AO3 One summer, Beverly gets a job as a sex-toy saleswoman, the kind that hosts parties where you invite your friends and demo the products in hopes that they’ll buy.

Of course, for her first party, she just invites the Losers. She’s nervous and isn’t really sure how she’s going to do, so they volunteer for a trial run, of sorts.

The Losers have never been private about sex, so even though it might seem awkward to be the one woman in a room full of men, talking about how to get yourself off with nipple clamps, it’s surprisingly comfortable. Richie sticks a suction cup dildo to his forehead and pretends to be a unicorn right off the bat, so the atmosphere is pretty normal.

Beverly goes through her routine: showing off the toys, explaining how they work, passing them around for everyone to feel, rinse and repeat. It’s going smoothly until Beverly introduces the throat spray that’s supposed to remove a person’s gag-reflex.

Stan comments nonchalantly that he has no gag-reflex, and everyone has a reaction. Richie thinks he’s bluffing, Mike’s a little turned on, and in the end Stan is grabbing the suction cup dildo (that’s been attached to Richie’s forehead this whole time) and strides over to the wall. He falls to his knees and sticks it to the surface with a smack. His face stays solemn as he descends his mouth on to the dildo, swallowing it down in one go.

“Holy shit, he really doesn’t!” Richie shouts.

Stan puts on a little show, bobbing back and forth, taking it as deep as he can without crushing his nose against the wall. When he swallows, the outline of the dildo can be seen in his throat. He finally pulls off after a few minutes, only to see the whole room staring in wonder.

The tone of the party changes after that. From then on, everyone is a little more on edge, a little more aware of the things they’re discussing and the ways their bodies are subtly pressed together.

The next interruption comes when Beverly brings out a cock ring and Mike audibly winces.

“God, don’t those hurt?”

Beverly explains how it works, the words flowing freely since it’s part of what she’s made to learn for the job. Eventually, she offers it to him.

“You can try it, if you want.” She says hesitantly, a bit embarrassed at the insinuation.

“What, here?”

“If you want.” Beverly reiterates sweetly, not wanting to put any pressure on him.

Mike looks around the room, surveying all his friend’s faces, before he decides to give it a shot.

“If my dick falls off, at least I’ll have 6 people around to call the paramedics.” He mumbles before disappearing down the hall towards the bathroom.

“Why do only Mike and Stan get to try the products? I call favoritism!” Richie declares loudly.

“You can all try something, if you want.” Beverly shrugs.

“Great, Eddie will try the remote control vibe.” Richie decides.

“Uh, no Eddie will not!” Eddie cries from beside him.

“You said earlier you thought it sounded cool.” Richie threw back.

“Yeah but…” Eddie sighs, giving in to the curiosity. “Okay, I’ll try it.”

Beverly hands it over and Eddie bashfully follows down the same hallway Mike had gone down, turning instead into one of the bedrooms and closing the door quickly.

It takes a few more minutes for Mike and Eddie to return, but when they do it’s in unison. They’re both walking a little funny, but while Eddie doesn’t look any noticeably different, Mike’s pants are tented considerably.

Mike shuffles back to his previous spot between Bill and Stan on the couch and crosses his hands in his lap.

“So!?” Bill pokes him in the side. “How does it f-f-feel? Your c-cock still in one piece?”

Mike clears his throat, nodding meekly. “Yeah, it’s, uh… yeah.”

Stan was regarding him smugly, a knowing look on his face. He leans in close, so only Mike can hear him, and whispers in his ear. “You know, it feels better if it’s not straining against stiff jeans.” Stan was mostly just messing with him to get a reaction, but there was truth behind his words. He’d had enough experience of his own to know what he was talking about.

Meanwhile, Eddie was sitting pretty on the love seat next to Richie. He was twisting the remote around in his hands, anxiety and anticipation mingling in his chest. He had gotten the toy in no problem, it was tiny and curved and sat snug against his prostate, but he’d been too nervous to turn it on yet. He could feel Richie staring at him, gaze flicking back and forth from Eddie’s face to the remote in his hands. Finally, Richie makes a lunge for the remote, grabbing it from Eddie’s hands as Eddie tried to squirm away.

Richie laughs as he makes a dramatic show of pressing the on button. The second the toy comes to life Eddie freezes. Him and Richie have a stare down as Richie’s grin grows, and his finger presses the plus button. Eddie lets himself slump into Richie’s side then, overcome with the new sensation and unable to do much else other than focus on the feeling.

Beverly was trying to get on with her demos before the train completely derailed. She still had Bill and Ben’s attention, half of Stan and Richie’s attention, and none of Eddie’s or Mike’s attention. So, two and two halfs were going to have to do.

The next object she takes out are basic metal handcuffs with a key necklace to match. The idea was that one partner could lock up the other, and then wear the key around their neck. A sexy and functional fashion accessory. Beverly was actually quite enjoying the demonstration when Ben spoke up.

“Are you sure those are safe? Like, what if someone loses the key?”

Beverly laughs warmly and walks over to him.

“They’re totally safe. Do you trust me?” She asks, holding the handcuffs out in front of him. Ben lent her his wrists, which she takes with soft hands and pulls around to the back of Ben’s chair. With a click, the cuffs are on. Beverly gives them a few tugs, showing Ben (and whoever else was barely paying attention at that point) that once they were shut, they were secure. Then she walks over to her set-up to retrieve the key only… it isn’t there.

Richie giggles to himself as he feels the key in his pocket, which he had snuck off the table when everyone had been distracted. Next to him, Eddie was still quiet, eyes shut tight and legs crossed even tighter, as he leans against Richie. They had gotten to level 4 and there were 8 levels listed on the remote. Richie absently wondered if Eddie would even make it to 8.

Across the room, Ben was beginning to panic as Beverly searched frantically for the key. She rallied Bill in to help her, but he quickly gets distracted when he comes across a giant box filled with tiny lube packets. There must be upwards of 500 of the tiny, colorful jelly packs.

“Bev, do these a-a-actually taste like what they s-say they tas-s-ste like?” Bill asks, picking up a packet that advertised itself as Cherry flavored.

“Uh, I don’t know.” Beverly waves him off as she continues to dig through boxes in search of the key.

“C-Can I try it?” Bill asks curiously.

“Denbrough, do whatever you want.” Beverly dismisses him, deciding she’ll get more searching done on her own.

Bill wanders off with the box in hand, digging through it in search of his favorite flavor.

“A-ha!” Bill cheers as he grabs an Apple flavored pack, and sits himself back down on the couch next to Mike, who at this point is trying to subtly grind up into his pants for friction on his aching cock.

“Those don’t actually taste good.” Stan comments from the other side of Mike.

Bill rips open the pack and squirts some in his mouth to test Stan’s theory. He’s delighted when he’s met with a delicious flavor.

“You’re wrong.” Bill responds with a giddy smile.

“Well yeah, when you eat them like candy they taste fine, but get a real dick in the mix and it tastes like shit.” Stan relents.

Bill glares at him challengingly.

“Here.” Stan reaches over to grab a packet from Bill’s box, tearing it open as his hands draw back. He squirts a small amount on to his finger and returns it to Bill’s face, insisting that he try it. Bill takes Stan’s finger into his mouth hesitantly, but licks around his digit none-the-less. It’s blueberry, sweet and tangy.

“Mike, may I?” Stan turns to Mike who was still sandwiched between them, gesturing at his crotch. Mike’s eyes grow wide along with Bill’s, but still, he nods. Stan casually undoes Mike’s pants, pulling them down just enough that his cock springs free. It’s aggressively red, leaking at the tip, and rock hard thanks to the ring snug at the base.

Stan pours the rest of the packet down Mike’s shaft, ignoring as he shivers and gasps at the feeling.

“Now, try it.” Stan regards Bill.

Bill and Mike share an unsure look, but Mike must give Bill the go ahead because soon he’s ducking his head down and licking a wet strip up Mike’s cock to collect the lubrication. He makes a face as he pulls away, and the artificial blueberry flavor mixes with pre-cum to create something nefarious.

Stan looks as if he wants to say he told him so, but instead, he takes his own turn lowering his head. He repeats his earlier actions, only this time performing them on a real cock and not a dildo stuck to a wall. When he pulls away he’s a little breathless, cheeks a little ruddy from exertion.

“There, the lube is all gone, and now it tastes how a cock should.” Stan declares happily.

Bill contemplates it for a second before diving back in, swirling his tongue around Mike as he tries to get his natural taste. He feels a hand on his head, guiding him, but when he looks up he realizes the hand doesn’t belong to Mike. It was Stan’s, who was now making out with Mike above him.

Richie, Beverly and Ben were watching the developments in disbelief, not entirely sure how to move forward now that their party had turned into… this.

Eddie was still blissfully unaware, his vibrator now having been turned up to 6. He’s rocking his hips in small circles now, as if chasing the feeling but also trying to get away from it. Both his hands had attached themselves to Richie’s shirt and he’d tucked his face against Richie’s neck. Richie himself was in absolute heaven, never having guessed he’d ever be in this situation. Everything was going perfectly until Eddie suddenly spoke up.

“Turn it off, Rich-fuck-Richie! Turn it off!” Eddie’s voice was barely above a whisper, and his hands were weak as they grab for the remote. Before Richie can properly react, Eddie collapses into him fully, his body shaking. Richie finds himself in a front row seat as Eddie comes, whimpering in Richie’s ear and clinging to his chest. Richie watches dazedly for a few moments until Eddie’s moans start to sound pained, and that’s when he remembers to turn off the vibrator. He throws the remote to the side as he circles his arms around Eddie, pulling him on to his lap so he can rub his back as he comes down.

Instead, “Richie. Bedroom, now.” Eddie pants.

Richie shoots up within an instant, carrying Eddie with him as he passes by the rest of his friends with little care for their own activities. He only stops when he remembers the burning secret in his pocket. He shifts Eddie’s weight on to one arm and uses the other to fish the handcuff key out of his pocket. He approaches Ben, who now has a half naked Beverly in his lap (wait, when did that happen?) and hesitates before setting the key down on the coffee table instead of interrupting their explorations.

With that, Richie is ready to carry on with whatever the rest of the day has in store for him.

[wahbegan]

Blah Blah Trailer Things Blah I’m So Weary

All right w/e you’d think i was getting paid for this the way i crank them out even when I have no desire to but fuck it as all the ones before, under a read more so you don’t have to scroll and shit and so that if someone makes a super obvious correction in the first few notes i can change it and nobody will be the wiser tee hee hee I am gonna stick to things that haven’t been confirmed so shit we already know like “There are additional flashbacks to when they were kids, Mike still lives in Derry and has been tryna figure out how to kill It through...tripping, apparently? They meet at Jade of the Orient like in the book,” etc. I won’t touch for the sake of brevity. I also won’t go over things I did in the last one

1. The flood of water in the sewer COULD be right after they actually kill It, in the book they kill It in the early morning, and Its death coincides with a massive storm destroying the town, starting with the sewers flooding and backing up

2. Adrian Mellon, post beating and being thrown off a bridge by homophobes, as Pennywise mockingly offers him help before eating him. This is STRAIGHT out of the book, right down to the silver eyes Pennywise is sporting i’m very excited

3. Bev walking in the rain looking shaken up seems to be her right after having her fight her way out of her abusive boyfriend’s place, we know they’re keeping that intact courtesy of the bruises on her arms in the Mrs Kersh trailer

4. Not sure where Eddie’s standing in this child-to-adult montage, i can only guess that maybe Ben is outside that bar he gets shitfaced in before he goes back to Derry? But that’s a shot in the dark. I know Bill’s standing at the storm drain where Georgie got dragged in, which we saw It taunting him in Georgie form briefly in the last trailer, and Mike due to the area and the police lights on his face, seems to be investigating child murders like he was in the book. It’s what prompts him to call the other Losers. Richie is at the Paul Bunyan statue

5. So yeah the carnival seems to play a bigger role than just the backdrop where Adrian first has trouble with the homophobes like in the book, Bill probably follows a lead there, possibly investigating what happened to Adrian aaaaand finds Pennywise chewing down on some kid right behind a glass he can’t get to him from in a mirror maze, ostensibly just to fuck with him. Brutal and sadistic, i gotta say i love it even though it’s hard to analyze further than that since there isn’t anything even remotely analogous to this in the book. Oh, the little swinging punch clowns are done up like Tim Curry’s Pennywise, that’s a fun easter egg. Also Pennywise’s long tongue on the glass is reminiscent of The Leper’s tongue from the book, probably did that on purpose. 

6. Oh yeah confirmation Bowers is alive and in a mental hospital, and Pennywise is calling him back, apparently via red balloon instead of the moon which BOOOOOO but whatever

7. Since they changed it from the book a bit to revolve more heavily around Neibolt Street, that seems to have more prominence in this half of the movie as well, with lots of shots of them going into it, whereas I don’t think they touch it as adults in the book. I do like the fridge shaking like It’s about to come out of it like It did in the first movie to eat Eddie. Clearly lots of call backs so that’s fun. Actually, you know what? It could be Stan’s severed head with a bunch of balloons in there cause there’s a scene like that involving a (different) fridge in the adult half of the book/miniseries

EDIT: Okay, according to someone on youtube who saw Comic-Con footage, that IS the case damn i’m right once in a while except in this case Stan’s head...the youtube source didn’t say whose head it was but i’m...there’s no way it’s not Stan’s goes on to sprout spider legs and crawl at them a la The Thing so that’s pretty awesome

8. “I’ve seen all of us die” is an interesting line. Now, in the book, fUCKING STAN YOU FUCKING BASTARD ANDRES MUSCHIETTI YOU LITERALLY TOOK EVERYTHING FROM STAN AND GAVE IT TO A DIFF-ahem. Forgive that little outburst. In the book,...SSsss.....hrng. Stanley Uris is the one who seems to have visions or at least a sense of the future, not, Bev, as well as some vaguely defined psychic somethinerother. Obviously, her kidnapping slash Deadlighting slash empty eyes slash floating thing never happens in the book, so once again, no real way of knowing if it’s a Dr. Strange circa Infinity War thing where she saw a possible or a bunch of possible futures or just Pennywise fucking with her to make her feel hopeless thing. I mean obviously we know they don’t all die so i’m just curious about the nature of her vision she had in Its lair. Obviously some of it came to pass, but...i just don’t know if it was a vision from The Turtle or a trick from It, or possibly a little of both. But it’s one of those

9. Oh yeah right that....that’s definitely Stan’s death scene. Not that there was any question, really, but this is solid confirmation he takes a one way ticket out of Clowntown on the Razorblade-in-a-Bathtub Express

10. Oh I forgot to say about the alien-looking spikes i think that’s the blasted-up exploded remains of whatever it landed in just btw

11. Okay so Bill as an adult back in the basement with a screaming ghost Georgie confronting him in a very similar way to when he was a kid, Bev back in the bathroom where she got bullied and it seems like her childhood bathroom? Filling up with blood and...trying to help someone out of the blood lake? Okay.

I have a theory about all this.

I think it’s them interacting with their younger selves. I think.....

I think The Ritual of Chud is going to manifest differently for every single one of them, and it’s basically going to be them going to some mindscape where they go to their kid selves, to their worst and darkest moments, and are either trapped there in despair or have to save their younger selves. Think of The Haunting of Hill House’s Red Room. I THINK that’s what’s going on here. Judging by...I’m almost positive Bev is reaching out her hand to pull her younger self out of the blood, and you can see young Bill behind adult Bill in the background while Georgie’s going “what the FUCK you’re the worst brother EVER” at him so look i think i’m right, okay? 

12. When Bev smashes the mirror, it looks like, you know how in the first one Henry goes to carve his face on Ben’s stomach but only gets the H? In the book that scar disappears when he grows up but then comes back after Mike calls him and it looks here like not only has the scar come back but It has either actually cut the entire name down there or at least made him hallucinate that the entire name has appeared on his stomach. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s the latter, some kind of hallucination Bev’s trying to break by shattering the mirror.

13. Yeah so if you hadn’t read the book, that’s pretty much definitely Eddie Richie’s holding, and he’s pretty much definitely dying and his final words are pretty much definitely gonna be “Don’t call me Eds. You know I hate it when you...”

14. Oh yeah right I’m pretty sure the underwater monster is a more decayed Ms Kersh and it looks like instead of turning to candy, her house floods for some reason? And here she is being all spooky and underwater with Bev i do not know why the flooding is a thing but w/e uhhh look it’s not in the first trailer i don’t know where i think i saw this or how I got this impression but i think somewhere there was a brief shot implying the water like came out of a painting or something. Possibly a 1408 reference, actually

15. Gotta be Its lair disintegrating after the completed Ritual of Chud which yeah when they were all holding hands a few shots earlier and looking up at orange light i forgot to say that’s def the Ritual starting

17. Whoever this is, Bill i’m assuming flying through that tunnel to the rectangle of light is pretty close to straight out of the book Ritual of Chud

18. Mike tripping, as per mentioned

19. Given the shit all over them and how emotional Richie is, it seems like this would be at the end after they leave the sewers? Idk his scream could be about several things, but it’s just the kind of scream that says “my best friend in the whole wide world and completely hetero lifemate just got his arm bitten off by a weird giant spider alien thing and bled to death”

20. Andres Muschietti mentioned the underground clubhouse would be part of this movie, as well as the “tripping and coming dangerously close to dying via carbon monoxide poisoning so we can hallucinate about where It came from” part of the book but at the end Pennywise is clearly slamming the door which wasn’t part of that sequence unless i mean they may have just added it in for a scare or it could be one of the adults going back to said clubhouse and having a flashback leading into Pennywise fucking with them, either is a possibility

21. Okay so unfortunately i have egg on my face and this clearly is It (not Henry Bowers like i theorized) previously not in Pennywise form, putting on Its Pennywise form, possibly for the first time in a flashback.

22. Okay i am almost 100% sure Pennywise, Devourer of Worlds and Children, The Spider, The Deadlights, The Eternal Consumption, ends this trailer by saying “Hewwo”

[richietozierluv]

miscommunication - (richie tozier) part 2 of 2

part 1

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader

Summary: Old habits die hard, and you’re not sure if you’ll ever be over Richie Tozier, but you’re getting there. Him on the other hand? It’s anyone’s guess, but the Losers’ Club have their own way of helping.

Author’s Note: remind me next time to calm down with the angst, the kids have already been through enough whoops 

Word Count: 1,335

Warnings: Swearing and ?Angst?

Despite the awkward confrontation between you and Richie about two weeks ago, everything had gone back to normal. He would throw pick-up lines at you whenever he saw an opportunity, and you laughed along with it; and hardly anyone noticed the reluctance you both shared, trying to make everything seem okay. Every moment that passed by between Richie and Beverly felt like a personal attack against you, but you didn’t want to be ‘that girl’ that felt threatened for a boy who wasn’t even yours. And if Richie felt the same about you and Stan, he didn’t show it. Not until he was sat in his room, unable to sleep from the drunken shouts reverberating under his floor boards.

He was used to this, but not having you in his life? He couldn’t bear it.

-

“I thought I was the only one that noticed!” Ben nodded eagerly. Bev, Eddie, and Mike were discussing theories as to what happened between you and Richie; apparently they had noticed after all. While Bill was at that speech camp his mother insisted on sending him to, the Losers club turned to Stan instead, seeking an answer.

“I don’t know guys, maybe- I mean you know what their home situations are like.” Stan of course knew that this wasn’t the reason.

“Sure, but it couldn’t have gotten worse, right? Richie usually helps Y/n with that type of stuff, I’ve seen them.”

“Yeah, Ben’s right. Never, in all the years I’ve known them has it gotten to the point where they can’t even talk to each other about it. It’s just plain weird I think.” Bev said.

“You don’t think Richie’s finally asked her out?! And she rejected him!” Eddie practically yelled, and jumped up in shock. “Oh fuck, I am the worst friend, I was literally making fun of him the other day because, well, it’s obvious he’s in love with her!”

“Hold on,” Stan’s stomach felt as if it was in his throat, “I thought- I thought he had a crush on Beverly!”

The entire group looked shocked for about two seconds before Mike and Beverly started laughing. “What? What! I mean yeah Richie is always flirting with Y/n, but… Bev, I saw you and Rich at the Quarry a few weeks ago, and uh, you guys never act that way around the rest of us.”

The shocked looks returned, Mike, Ben and Eddie looked as if they were watching a tennis match, shaking their heads quite comically, not wanting to miss a single word.

“Oh please!” she was laughing again, “Richie hasn’t said a single thing remotely flirty to me since he met Y/n! And besides, I was just making sure he was okay. Apparently Y/n doesn’t even know what Richie’s going through.”

It was Eddie’s turn to chime in, “No, no she knows, we talked about it. But he thinks she doesn’t and he doesn’t want to worry her and all that stupid shit. And she doesn’t want to say anything because she doesn’t know the rest of you know, and she’s scared and- fuck.” As Richie walked through the bamboo, all heads had turned his way.

Talking like his grandpa Tozier, he waved to his friends, “Fill me in on what I’ve missed kids, your old man had a few errands to run.” No one replied, so he tried again, this time cupping his hand over his ear, “Oh sorry loves, my ear hair is getting in the way, what did you say?” Still no reply, other than a few shared awkward glances. “Alright, do I have shit on my face? What’s up,” he suddenly noticed that you weren’t there, and every single horrible thought he could come up with raced through his head. His voice trembled as he asked, “F-f-fuck-shit, did-did It get her? We can’t just sit-“

“No, Richie, Y/n’s fine, she said she’ll come by later.” Ben felt uncomfortable at how pathetic Richie looked. “But we do need to ask you something.”

-

You just happened to notice that today marked two and a half weeks since you and Richie had last hung out, just the two of you. Or maybe, you had woken up every day for the last week or so tallying it up. And as you walked down Main Street you realised it didn’t hurt as much to see the number get higher. You started hanging out with the other Losers more, you and Bev even had a sleepover once or twice. Wasn’t that a good thing? You finally had time to hang out with someone other than Richie; you finally had time to hang out with Ben, who happened to just walk out of the store in front of you!

“Haystack! Wanna split a popcorn with me at the movies?” you put your arm around his shoulders, and continued walking down the street.

“Uh, I was actually gonna go help Mike build another smoke hole,” he paused, noticing the look on your face, “Richie won’t be there until later if that’s what you’re worried-“

“Oh- what? No! I was just kinda hoping we could catch up, but that’s okay.”

“Y/n…”

You laughed awkwardly, and before leaving with a sad smile, said, “I’ll for sure come by later.”

-

“What?” Richie was taken aback, looking at each and every one of his friends’ faces.

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Eddie asked again. Stan stood guiltily behind Mike.

“I don’t- I don’t know what you mean.” Richie pushed past them and sat on the rock Beverly had fallen off of two weeks ago.

“For fucks sake, why didn’t you tell Y/n that you were in love with her?” the sight of Eddie stomping up to Richie, and almost pushing him off of the rock would have been funny in any other situation. “Why did you let this dumbass,” he pointed to Stan, “ruin the only good thing going for you right now?!”

“She’s not the only good-“

“Shut the fuck up Richie. When she’s here you’re sad, when she’s not, you’re near suicidal, and it’s your fault! If you had grown the balls and told Y/n how you feel-“

Stan pushed Richie and Eddie apart, “Back off Ed-”

“It’s not a clown anymore is it?” Eddie yelled at Richie. The group stopped trying to hold Eddie back, and he almost fell forward. “And,” he huffed, “It’s not your parents anymore. What is It?”

Richie’s mouth dropped open, and his glasses almost slid from his nose from all the sweat gathering on his forehead.

“Eddie, please.”

“It’s Y/n isn’t it?” The silence from before had no chance against the silence that settled now.

“I- I see her everywhere man. But she- she won’t look at me, and- and- and when she-she does…”

Eddie pumped his asthma puffer twice, looked down at Richie sadly, and glanced at the others, looking for something to say.

“Richie, I’m in love with you.” You had come back sooner than later, and just at the right time apparently. Everyone looked up at you, almost unsurprised to see you here.

-

It had been awkward at first, with the whole Losers club watching, but as Richie basically ran into your arms, pushing the two of you over, you couldn’t explain the feeling. You wanted to throw up. You were sad, and scared, but at the same time the happiest you’d ever been. You sat up and held each other for god knows how long, and mentally thanked Beverly for giving you some privacy and forcing the boys to leave.

You whispered, “If I hadda known,” into his ear and after a few moments he looked up.

“What?” his face hurt from smiling and his eyes looked heavy.

“If I hadda known you’d be on top of me, I’d have said those words sooner.”

He pulled far enough from your face so that he could take you all in at once, without letting go.

And came back in fast enough for it to hurt when he kissed you.

AN: hopefully you enjoyed if you read this far! I’m not the best at endings but hopefully I will get better lmao, anyways! thanks to those who liked/reblogged the first part and I’m sorry for sounding Lame but it’s cool ya know

[somer-joure]

Item #4073 I appreciate about Gravity Falls: No Big Friendly Time Travel Reset Button

I love time travel stories. I’ll also admit that time travel stories are...touchy. Just like with fantasy and sci-fi in general, there's so much a writer can do with time travel that it’s difficult to do it well. There's a reason why Doctor Who, for example, has spent over fifty years ranging from the best thing on television to, "sweet moses, get me the brain bleach," depending on which episode or season you happen to catch. The trouble with time travel is that it’s too easy to use the Big Friendly Time Travel Reset button. It’s tempting to write yourself and your characters into a corner and then just erase the corner—to make time travel synonymous with magic, go back in time, and simply undo all the difficulties faced by the characters, or else send them to a parallel dimension where none of the awfulness ever happened. It's like writing the last page of a novel and revealing that the whole story was a dream. It’s lazy. That's not to say the Big Friendly Time Travel Reset Button can't be done well; I think it can, in the right hands and under some specific circumstances. But, off the top of my head, I can't think of an occasion where it was. When Gravity Falls launched into the Weirdmageddon three-parter I'll admit that I was a little nervous someone was going to hit the Time Travel Reset Button. After all, it's a fictional universe in which time travel canonically exists. Blendin had just shown up in the final minutes of D&MvTF. "Dipper and Mabel will team up with Blendin and go back in time and so something so Weirdmageddon never happens," was a popular fan theory at the time, I think. And, well, I'd just come off of watching Mystery Incorporated, and the way that show got its characters out of its apocalyptic scenario caused by an ancient eldritch abomination was by way of multiversal time travel shenanigans, and I didn't want to see Gravity Falls take the same way out. Because my main beef with the Time Travel Reset Button: if you can change the past however and whenever you feel like it, free will and consequence lose their weight. Up until Weirdmageddon, Gravity Falls had this interesting interplay between choice and circumstances going on with all of its characters. Circumstances mattered. They influenced a character's mindset and their ability to act, but the choice a character actually made, good or bad, also mattered. Take Mabel's choice at the end of NWHS. It's true that Stan just happened to reactivate the portal and just happened to be begging Mabel to keep it on at the moment Ford just happened to be back in Bill's dimension, the place the portal leads to, for the first time in thirty years. Had Stan fixed the portal any sooner or any later, he would have never brought Ford home. There's a lot of chance, if chance you call it, going on there. That said, Mabel's choice to trust Stan and allow the portal to fully activate remains one of if not the most important, far reaching decisions of the series and the pivot point on which the entire story turns. If she decides to press that button and shut the portal down, everyone loses. She and Dipper lose Stan, because with nothing to back Stan's claim that he wasn't trying to destroy the universe, they can't trust him. Ford never comes home. Maybe he shoots Bill down, and maybe he doesn't; either way, he's stuck in the multiverse for the rest of his life, however long or (more likely) short that is. And Stan—Stan loses everything. But Mabel doesn't press that button. There is meaning in her choice. In Gravity Falls, circumstances that change stay changed, and decisions have real, permanent consequences. The interplay between the two is one you don't often see in television. Part of that probably has to do with the nature of tv. The typical goal of most tv shows is to explore character and character dynamics via as many situations as the writers can come up with and to continue unto perpetuity rather than telling a story. The last thing most tv shows seem to want is permanent change and far reaching decisions. And because it's something that is so rare, I didn't want to see Gravity Falls lose it. If the Gravity Falls writers had taken the Time Travel Reset Button way out of Weirdmageddon, it might have. In resetting the Gravity Falls universe so that Weirdmageddon never happens you fix the Bill problem, but you lose everything that came with that part of the story, too. (And that's assuming you can change time at all, given how hard it was for Dipper and Mabel to do in The Time Travelers Pig.) Let’s say you reset it so that the portal doesn’t open at the end of NWHS. At the end of NWHS, Mabel isn’t quite the girl who’s going to break out of her dream world to face a horrible reality, Dipper isn’t the kid who’s going to give Gideon an impassioned speech about love and selflessness, Ford (who would be gone, but still) doesn’t have the humility to pass the heroic mantle onto someone else, let alone trust Stan with it, and Stan isn’t the man who’s going to submit and sacrifice himself the way he does at the end of TBTF. These are dynamic characters, and at the end of NWHS, they’re just not quite there yet. Using time travel to take the story back to that point, prevent the portal from opening, and ensure the rift never forms stops Bill, but it also leaves the story in an awkward place and all the characters underdone. It gets even more awkward the further back you go. If they use time travel to prevent Stan from pushing Ford through the portal, or to prevent Ford from ever trusting Bill, or even further back to the science fair to stop the Stan Twins falling out and the cascade of bad circumstances and worse life choices made thereafter, where does that leave Stan and Ford? On the Stan O’ War, or did they just fall out less disastrously and a little later? And where does that leave Dipper and Mabel? They would probably be around, but they wouldn’t be the Dipper and Mabel we, the audience, know. That Dipper and Mabel wouldn’t exist. It’s interesting that the two time travel episodes of this show deal with characters trying to change the past—Dipper fixing things so he doesn’t give Wendy a black eye in The Time Traveler’s Pig and, more selflessly, Dipper and Mabel wanting to give Soos a chance to meet his dad in Blendin’s Game—and both end with the conclusion that it’s best to accept what’s happened and live with it, whether that means giving your crush a black eye so your sister can have her pig or realizing that family means the people who love and make sacrifices for you, not the biological deadbeat who hasn’t had time for you since you were five. They offer time travel as a fix-it and then explain why it can’t be so. Moving back to Weirdmageddon, the story gently flirts with time travel as a solution and then immediately shoots it down. Blendin shows up at the very end of D&MvTF, reappears with Time Baby and the time police in force at the Fearamid and then—poof. Bill blows everyone up and Blendin gets the heck outta dodge. Time travel as a solution is dead. Which means the characters have to continue to make hard choices, and that those choices continue to matter. It means all the awful stuff still happens. Bill still tricks Mabel, Dipper still has to spend three days wandering the apocalypse on his own, Ford still has to erase his own brother’s memory, and Stan still has to basically die—but all the good stuff happens, too. Soos still gets to be the handyman of the apocalypse AND Mr. Mystery. Wendy gets to save her family (and kick all kinds of ass in the process). Gideon gets the chance to change. McGucket gets his due. Everyone in the Pines family suffers, but they come out stronger, and their happy endings are made even sweeter by the contrast. All this to say that I’m still happy that the Gravity Falls writers didn’t go with the Big Friendly Time Travel Reset Button.

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

Puck Daddy Countdown: Tom Wilson, concussions and a huge cap increase

7. Tom Wilson and also the refs and also the league

This is getting ridiculous.

Like, OK, the argument from the Department of Player “Safety” is that yes, the hit on Jon Marchessault was late but there was no head contact and it’s not technically illegal to hit a guy from his blindside.

But keep in mind, when Matt Cooke basically ended Marc Savard’s career, putting a Legion of Doom-style spiked shoulder pad into a guy’s chin was also technically not illegal. Didn’t change the fact that Matt Cooke had a long and prosperous history of dirty hits most guys in the league who, y’know, have respect for their opponents’ safety, wouldn’t have even tried.

Honestly, in what way is Wilson, a useful player who also happens to be an injurious dumbass, different from Cooke, a similarly effective checking forward who plays to injure? I would love to have that explained to me by a Capitals fan whose brain functions properly.

But that’s the thing with Wilson’s hit. It wasn’t technically anything more than interference but everyone (save for the Tom Wilson stans, who are all sicko freaks) agrees it was late, and y’know maybe I’m crazy here, but it seems like you should have a reasonable expectation to not get drilled at 40 miles an hour by a guy you never saw coming nearly a full second after you got rid of the puck, which is already 20 feet away from you. It’s a predatory hit, full stop. His eyes got as big as saucers; he had plenty of time to not make that hit.

Tom Wilson needs to be stopped. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

(Side note: Shouldn’t Ryan Reaves have beaten Wilson’s ass to death for that hit? Like, not just because a fight there is warranted in the Hockey Man’s mind, but also because if you get Wilson off the ice for five and only have to give up Reaves, that’s a great trade for Vegas. Hell, in theory Reaves’ presence in the lineup should have been a deterrent for that hit in the first place, but hey guess what: It turns out that’s not actually a thing.)

In soccer, if you commit multiple fouls throughout the game, a referee can give you a yellow card for any foul where he feels like, “OK, that’s plenty from this prick.” And Tom Wilson plays like a total prick, sorry. This guy has — or at least should have — long ago torched whatever benefit of the doubt he got from the league, but this is the Cup Final and a bunch of losers from Vancouver still cry all the time about the (deserved) Aaron Rome suspension seven years ago, so you can see why the league would want to avoid that kind of thing again.

Especially because if the NHL acknowledges the refs blew it on the Wilson minor (which maybe should have been a major?) they also must necessarily acknowledge the refs blew it even harder on the Reaves goal, which shouldn’t have counted.

And if there’s one thing the league really wants to do at all times, it’s make sure there’s nothing that would lead to refs being accountable for being horrible at their jobs. That’s playoff hockey baby!

6. Concussion stuff

Came out this week that a bunch of owners, I swear to god, acted like they had never in their entire miserable lives heard of CTE. “Never heard of it, what’s that?” kind of denials, which is pretty amazing considering all the concussion lawsuits that have been going on for the NHL and other major sports leagues. Like even if you don’t know exactly what it is, surely you’re aware that it exists — as in, you’ve literally heard it mentioned, ever.

Also, TSN uncovered a mockup of a concussion awareness poster the league put together that, as a joke I guess(?), said one of the symptoms was “feeling like a giant [sexist term for a wimp or a coward and you know the one I’m talking about].” They also removed language in the finalized versions of those posters advising players that numerous concussions can lead to dementia later in life.

Meanwhile, Johan Franzen’s wife is out here in the Detroit media telling the horror stories about her nice husband’s struggles with brain injuries.

Now, *putting my thumbs into my suspenders* I’m no fancy big-city lawyer, but it seems to me this case is not going to end well for the NHL. They’re not only bad actors on this stuff (obviously), they’re openly contemptuous of it. You’d think this many rich guys couldn’t be this stupid, but wealth strips you of your humanity and the NHL has a long, celebrated history of being horribly run.

So here we are.

5. *Lana Del Ray voice* Playing video games

Here’s my theory: If you put it out there that there’s a highly regarded prospect whose career was ruined by playing too many video games, you’re necessarily going to get every person whose team picked top-10 in the past five drafts to go, “Is it this guy?!?”

And then you have to go out there and say, “I said I wasn’t gonna do this for every player, but it’s not that one guy,” until you’ve done it for every player. So you might as well say the player the first time or — better yet — not say anything at all. Hmm.

This is like in fifth grade when someone tells you, “I have a secret but I can’t tell you what it is” and then also stands around letting you guess for 10 minutes before laughing and walking away. Dumb.

4. Melnyk!

Shout out to Daniel Alfredsson finally just saying everyone wants Eugene Melnyk to just sell the damn Senators already. Everyone hates him! Including the guy who’s running for mayor, which honestly is bound to be a fairly popular political position in town.

It’s like Melnyk keeping the team out of spite (or maybe to get some more vital organs) at this point. Pretty bad scene up there. Wonder if the NHL will try to force his hand here.

3. Narratives

Saw something on Twitter yesterday where they had Keith Olbermann on ESPN saying it might be wise for teams like the Oilers with mega-stars to conisder trading those elite players for several second-line talents.

You know, because of Vegas. And presumably because the Oilers sucked this year.

The premise of the argument is flawed because we know for sure Vegas didn’t just take a whole team of second-line guys. Maybe you say they were incorrectly valued as second-line talent, but that also doesn’t really address the larger issue of the argument that you should give up, say, Connor McDavid or Auston Matthews to get a handful of significantly less impactful players.

This is, I guess, Olbermann advocating for more Tyler Seguin trades. How did that work out for the Bruins, I wonder.

Anyway, you can expect this stuff to keep happening because Vegas is probably gonna win the Cup and people won’t look at the “why” of it, just that it happened. I love not learning anything from anything.

2. The Cup Final

Let’s hope tonight’s game is even 60 percent as entertaining as Game 1, but also like 150 percent better-officiated. This is good hockey.

1. A (potentially) huge cap increase

It was revealed before Game 1 that the salary cap could go up as much as $7 million next season. Not sure if that includes the players’ ability to use the 5 percent escalator (which would mean more escrow payments, but that hasn’t stopped them from both doing the escalator and then complaining about escrow).

But the idea that the cap could go up more than nine percent? Hoo boy. I’m specifically thinking about Vegas here, because they only have $50.2 million or so committed to 19 guys for next year.

And oh yeah, that $50.2 million includes David Clarkson, who they could LTIR the second they hit the cap ceiling, so in theory their actual cap number is closer to $45 million.

They need to re-sign Wild Bill Karlsson after his big season, as well as Colin Miller, Shea Theodore, and both Tomas Nosek and William Carrier. But what do you think those guys put together actually cost? Like $12 million? So they’re up to maybe like $57 million.

This team having like THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS to spend this summer? Come on, man. Imagine they take a run at that Erik Karlsson/Bobby Ryan trade again and pull it off. Imagine they take a run at Ilya Kovalchuk. Imagine they take a run at John Tavares. “You don’t pay state income tax” and (maybe) “We just won a Stanley Cup” is a hell of a sales pitch, no?

Get Karlsson and Bobby Ryan, that’s like $13.75 million. Big chunk of change but presumably Ottawa will take money back, too, just because they have to hit the cap floor at the very least. So maybe $10 million for those two in terms of net costs? OK, that gets them up to $67 million (or more) in cap obligations.

Give Tavares $10 million, whatever. That’s $77 million. Give Kovalchuk $5 million. That’s $82 million.

Plus you can probably finagle a couple sell-high trades to get some money off the books elsewhere. C’mon. It would be incredible.

(Not ranked this week: That Evander Kane deal.

When people said Evander Kane should be locked up, this is not what they meant!

Ha ha ha. Pretty good joke.

But for real, when you can give $7 million times seven to a 27-year-old who can’t stay healthy and has a career high of 57 points (set six years ago) and comes with a litany of what can be generously described as “off-ice issues” (multiple assault allegations) you gotta do it. Right?)

—

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All statistics via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

More Stanley Cup coverage from Yahoo Sports

[yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog]

Ranking NFL’s head-coaching vacancies: How do the six open jobs stack up?

Not all NFL head-coaching jobs are the same. Yes, there are only 32 of these things, and they tend to go fast and have little job security. But other than that, they are precious opportunities that are hard to pass up.

Still, some of the six current head-coaching vacancies (could there be any from the playoff teams?) are tougher sells than others. And one is head and shoulders better than the others.

There are a lot of ways to determine whether a head-coaching situation is good or not and a lot of pros and cons with each. So we decided to rank those jobs, one through six, from an attractiveness standpoint for a prospective head coach both next season and long term:

1. Denver Broncos — There’s little doubt this could be an instant winner for whoever follows Gary Kubiak as head coach. The defense, with some reinforcements up the middle, should be elite again. There are two standout receivers and two quarterbacks in Trevor Siemian and Paxton Lynch with starting experience and some intrigue. (You could do worse than them.)

Plus, general manager John Elway is as aggressive as they come, always trying to find whatever edge he can to build a winning team every season. That part can’t be understated. So while there might be some aging parts and gaping holes — such as the offensive line — there also is a will and a way to get it done. The only reason Kubiak is stepping down is for his own welfare, otherwise he might have stayed another five or more years.

Von Miller helps make the Denver Broncos job an attractive one. (Getty Images)

The Broncos could be back in the title mix in short order coming off a 9-7 season, even with a rugged division with what appears to be a tough 2017 schedule. This is as good a head-coaching opening as there is, but there also will be high expectations with it as Elway once let John Fox go after a lot of wins.

Still, this is pretty much a dream opening, the likes of which seldom become available.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars — They will pick in the top five of the NFL draft for the sixth straight season, and they’ve added pieces through free agency, so talent is not the issue here. This is not your typical 3-13 roster. The biggest concerns lie in one of those top-five picks, QB Blake Bortles, and the overall discipline of the team.

After Gus Bradley was fired, GM Dave Caldwell made it clear the team wants to build around Bortles, even coming off a miserable season. Perhaps some of his struggles and regression following a promising second season can be explained by the fact that he reportedly played hurt.

Jaguars QB Blake Bortles played more than half season with separated shoulder. Won't need surgery. https://t.co/2si4BbvAno

— Michael DiRocco (@ESPNdirocco) January 2, 2017

So it appears the new head coach must be prepared to work with Bortles and get him back on track before he can think about heading in a new direction at quarterback. There are offensive weapons around him to make that happen, but Bortles might need to be stripped down and built back up from mechanics and confidence standpoints.

Still, with a patient owner, low expectations, a weaker division, a strong talent base and, heck, even Florida’s attractive income tax laws, this is an intriguing job. This fits more of a hard-line coach to come in and whip all that young talent into shape because this was an undisciplined team on so many levels the past few seasons, especially in 2016.

3. San Diego Chargers — How long will they be in San Diego? The state of the franchise is unsettled at best, and moving to Los Angeles (or wherever) certainly would change a new coach’s plans for implementing his system while the team is less than solidified.

It appears that Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates will play at least one more season, giving this opening a good win-now possibility, even in the loaded AFC West. Rivers is not coming off his best season but is tough and has played in several different systems, so you can’t beat that from a transition standpoint. He’s as strong a quarterback as a new head coach could want.

There’s also a young nucleus of talent, including Joey Bosa, Melvin Gordon (if he can stay healthy), Melvin Ingram, Hunter Henry, Jatavis Brown and Jason Verrett, who was one of 18 players the Chargers had land on injured reserve this season.

4. Los Angeles Rams — Let’s start with the positives. Team owner Stan Kroenke has invested everything in a first-rate stadium that will open in a few years that could be a mecca for free agents in a formerly untapped market. You can argue whether L.A. will never be a true football town, but look what Pete Carroll did to a once-dormant USC program and the Hollywood glitz that came along with the resurgence. Kroenke won’t hesitate to spend on a new coach and on better players and resources, so money should be no issue.

But the assets are limited with a lean roster, a diminished draft till and a quarterback in Jared Goff whom the franchise has put all its eggs into. Basically, whoever takes this job will have to work with Goff for at least the next two years and likely beyond — and hey, that could be a good thing in time — so that coach-QB relationship will be crucial.

The next Los Angeles Rams coach is pretty much tied to Jared Goff, the No. 1 pick in the 2016 draft, the next few seasons. (AP)

This is one of the least-skilled offenses in the NFL, and that’s even with running back Todd Gurley, who is coming off a miserable second season following a thrilling rookie campaign less than a year removed from ACL surgery.

The unsettled state of the front office is a concern, too, although it’s possible and perhaps likely that the next head coach could have some say over personnel and also the shaping of the personnel department.

This is an intriguing job to say the least but one that will come with challenges and require patience.

5. San Francisco 49ers — There’s a mess to clean up in the Bay Area, and the Niners are now looking for their fourth head coach in four years. The divorce with Jim Harbaugh was ugly, and the one-year experiments with Jim Tomsula and Chip Kelly were massive failures for varying reasons. The chemistry between the front office, scouting and the coaching staff now has been a mess for years, and it appears there will be almost a clean sweep.

The fact that they need a general manager too might not be a horrible thing, as the new GM could handpick a new coach and start to forge a relationship that can work in cohesion. Although the allure of building a staff from the ground up appeals to a lot of people around the league, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a ton of work to do.

The talent base is nearly barren with only a few pieces on defense worth investing in and no long-term answers at quarterback. The team is expected to move on from Colin Kaepernick and might have to invest the No. 2 overall pick in one in what could be a less-than-stellar year to find a QB in the draft.

But as outwardly unattractive a job as it might appear to be, CEO Jed York can be muscled around on football decisions — former GM Trent Baalke showed that with almost full autonomy on football matters — with the right strong-armed personnel man in charge. There is a ton of work to do, but also a ton of salary cap space and the right environment to win over a city and an owner who is desperate for some positive press (or a “culture change,” a term he used some variation of 12 times in his Monday meeting with the media).

Beyond that, it’s a historically significant franchise with a gorgeous new stadium in what soon could be a one-team region if the Oakland Raiders skate. There’s something to be said for that, even with all the infighting and ugliness that has built up since the team made a Super Bowl less than five years ago.

6. Buffalo Bills — The situation is bad right now. Seeking their sixth head coach since 2009, the Bills don’t have a ton to offer a prospective candidate.

Owners Terry and Kim Pegula have not yet shown they can run an NFL team, with talk of them going behind the coaches’ backs and the way they handled the Tyrod Taylor benching. President Russ Brandon is not publicly accountable for his decisions. GM Doug Whaley is now about to make his third head-coaching hire (although who knows what his future is with the team), claims to have not known anything about Taylor’s benching or Rex Ryan being fired and has stacked up some unimpressive draft hauls. Whaley was allowed to squirm for 40 minutes in front of the media Monday, offering few answers and even a more clouded view of what the heck is going on in Buffalo.

What a dysfunctional mess. Would you want this job?

Although the Pegulas have a good reputation among other owners and local businesspeople in the Buffalo area, they have built up plenty of suspicion of meddling in the team’s football matters from coaches and personnel folks inside the NFL. The last Bills head coach to get four years was Marv Levy, which is revealing.

Trying to win in Buffalo — even as rabid and loyal a fan base as there is — with an outdated stadium and limited outside allure is going to be very tough to pull off in the short term. To be fair, there were similar questions and worries with the Miami Dolphins’ job not long ago, and new head coach Adam Gase has done good work in short order, so it’s far from unachievable.

Additionally, with Taylor possibly gone for salary reasons (he’s due more than $30 million next season), there’s no clear solution at quarterback otherwise — unless you think that either EJ Manuel or Cardale Jones have talent. Most league personnel evaluators do not view either as starting material for 2017. The roster is talented but also aged in many spots, in that awkward limbo of being built to win yesterday but likely having to rebuild with a mismatched collection of talent.

The Bills might be forced to promote interim head coach Anthony Lynn this year, as few veteran coaches not named Tom Coughlin might roundly avoid that job because of the fear of the situation they’d be walking into.

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Eric Edholm is a writer for Shutdown Corner on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at edholm@yahoo-inc.com or follow him on Twitter!

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