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fashionteahouse · 2 months ago

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out of your league - paul x reader

AN: Thanks so much for the love for the first six parts of this series! i wish i could kiss you all 💜 xoxo <<prev >>next

Morning came and you were alone. Goosebumps came easily with the morning, the air chilling your skin. You put on comfy clothes and step out.

Emily offers you something to eat but you’re only thirsty. You didn’t want to accept anything just to half heartedly eat it.

You return into the room and you try to draw. You couldn’t think of what to draw. You stare up at the ceiling, racking your brain for ideas. You let the pen fall out of your fingers due to defeat. You look straight ahead and decide to see what other things Paul likes to do.

Only one graphic novel and you flipped through it. It wasn’t something you would get into. You put it back. A couple of gaming cds and you look around for a gaming console. You feel a bag and it’s in there but there’s no tv. You put the cds back, meaning to just not mess with anything else. As you were, a medium sized book with white pages fall. You pick it up to place it back to where it belongs but you catch a peek at the visuals that are on the paper.

You start from the beginning. You couldn’t believe your eyes. There were sketches. You flip through them in amazement. The style was unique in its own way. You were pissed at first for him not telling you but it was hard to stay upset when you were looking at such beautiful visuals. It was such an innocent hobby.

You almost jump as you get deeper into the book. A portrait that looks oddly a lot like you. It was a peaceful version of you. You tried to draw your own portrait of yourself before but you never liked how they looked or came out. This was different. Then, more pages were flipped and the pictures were erotic. You tried to flip past but more and more kept coming. Your heartbeat racing past, now watching two figures explore each other’s bodies. Very realistic. It felt intruding to look at.

You hear sounds from outside of the door and you slam the sketchbook closed. Just as the door opened, you were sat on the bed with just your own sketchbook.

“Everything alright?” Emily asks you. You just nod.

”Let me know if you need anything.” she says and shuts the door softly and you smile back before turning serious. You close your own book before taking out the library book that you had read all the way through.

You make your way out the door when a tired Paul walks through the door with Sam. He ups his mood when he sees you. He gets to you before Sam gets to Emily.

You pull back, smiling and out of breath. You hold him at bay, with you preventing his hands from fondling you too much.

“Where are you going?” he says and pulls you with him.

“Taking this back.” you tell him and he shakes his head.

“Just do it later.” He says and you’re pulled into his room.

The door is shut and you’re trapped between it and the front of Paul. This kiss makes your knees wobbly and he transfers to your neck and his hands opens you up. On your sides, his hands take waist and makes you grind on his hard-on. When space is available, you move to the side.

“I’ll be quick.” You tell him, raising the book. He walks towards you with a content and relaxed grin and pulls it out of your hands. He sets it elsewhere.

“So will I.” he tells you and takes the directions of his hands up under your shirt. You sigh into his mouth as your body automatically move forward on him. Openly kissing your collarbone, his hands move down and feels all on your semi soaked underwear. You pull back. You wouldn’t be able to keep quiet.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“We shouldn’t. We’ll get caught. I can’t even keep my voice down.” you say and try to look elsewhere.

He stares at you for a moment and nods with acceptance. That meant he really couldn’t do what he wanted to do with you.

“You should sleep. I want to talk to you without you dozing off.” you tell him and rub his shoulder.

He gives you a look and you chuckle. He lays down and right before you turn, “Lay with me until I fall asleep.” He doesn’t even let you object before you’re held on tight to him. You reach and softly sooth his scalp with your fingers running through his hair. He slowly droops his eyelids and tries his best to jerk awake to be able to look at you. But, sleep ended up winning.

You move to slide out of bed but his grip is dead solid. Even the harsher attempts weren’t working. Lightly snoring, he wasn’t waking up any time soon.

Your face was smushed into the pillow and you blink your eyes open and the room was much darker. You hear a knock. With no answer, it creaks open and Emily tells you that it’s time for dinner. You look over and one arm is around you still and another arm is covering the top part of his face. You shake him. He looks at you with tired droopy eyes even though he slept.

He takes his time to sit at the table but he makes sure he holds some of your fingers. You put food on his plate for him while Sam and Emily trail off into their own small talk. Jared walks in looking stressed out. He has a seat and eats silently.

“You know you could’ve came back with us.” Sam says to him.

“Yeah. I went to Kim’s.” he says. You put down your fork.

“How did it go?” Sam asks.

Jared shrugs, “It’s not going anywhere.” he says and just leaves it at that.

“What’s wrong with Kim?” you speak up, genuinely wanting to know.

“Nothing’s wrong with her…I just find it strange that the wolf in me likes her but the man in me doesn’t. Without the imprint, she never had or would catch my eye.” he answers honestly.

You didn’t know what to say to that.

You wash the dishes, shooing Emily away since she cooked for everybody. Sam pulls Jared to the side and Paul decides to use this time to squeeze in more sleep.

In the morning, you woke up to Paul being gone again and you decide to go home and grab your laptop. You looked around at your room and noticed you’ve went from spending almost all of your time in it to always being away from it.

You go on your laptop to log into your email. After scrolling, a subject with important characters are displayed. An illustration feature opportunity in a magazine. You accept it all of the way.

Walking back, clutching to your laptop, you decide to stop past Kim’s. Her mother wasn’t home so it was Kim who opened the door. She was dressed in out clothes and you took a seat at your favorite spot, her window sill seat.

“Jared came by yesterday.” she says to you as she flat irons her hair.

“I heard.” you say solemnly. She just shakes her head as the hot device glides down a piece of hair.

“He talked about something about only feeling something for me on behalf of his wolf.” She mutters and scoffs.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to him? I can set him straight. I know how much you like him.”

Kim looks at you as if you burned her.

“No, Y/N. If he doesn’t want me on his own then it’s useless. It would feel forced.” she says and looks in her mirror that she’s sitting in front of.

“I understand. So, what are you going to do?” you ask.

“I’m going out. My cousin from Neah Bay is throwing a graduation party. I’m leaving a bit earlier because of the drive there.”

You nod. You hope it kept her mind off of the realities of what was happening here.

“You should come. When was the last time we hung out?” she says as she finished her hair.

“Erm..I don’t know…” you say and start thinking, that’s miles away from Paul and you didn’t know if you could handle it.

“Come on..You’re always with..them. I’m even leaving soon. Please?” she says and you ponder some more.

“I’m on for another project..this time in a magazine.” you say, but she just shakes her head.

“Not going for it. You’ll have it done in five seconds. Come on..Please? You’ll have a ride there and back. Plus, I’ll even let you play in my closet.” She offers. You sigh dramatically before smiling, “Fine.” She jumps up and squeals and pull you up.

“Let me just call first okay?” you say and she turns away to open her closet.

You step out of the room and sit on the steps.

“Hello?” a groggy voice answers.

“Hey are you back?” you ask and he clears his throat a bit.

“Yeah. Where did you go?”

“Kim’s. Look, I might come back late tonight. So-“

“Why?” he interrupts.

“Well, I’m going with Kim to her cousin’s graduation party.” you say and you’re met with silence. You pull back your phone to see if the connection was lost. The call is still ongoing.

“Hello?” you then say.

“Where?” he asks and you tell him and that’s when things shifted.

“You’re crazy.” he says.

“What?” you say getting a bit agitated.

“You don’t even know what goes on there. Trust me. It’s not going to be some innocent get together. They’re wild down there.”

“I know myself. I’ll be okay.” You try to tell him but he wasn’t having it. He sounds more awake.

“But you don’t know them. You would be a target just because they would know you’re not from there or hang there. If I wasn’t so beat I would be going with you. Y/N, seriously.” he says through the phone.

“I’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Y/N, I swear to god-“

“Paul, I’ll call you I swear.” you hang up because Kim comes out of her bedroom and shows you what you could wear.

You blindly take it and feel a buzz on your phone.

“If you go , we’re done. I mean it.”

Your mood changed. You kept staring at it. You imagined going against the grain. A pang in your chest shoot sharply of the thought of letting Paul go.

“Shit. I have to start working for this deadline in a couple of days. I’m really sorry Kim. We’re going to hang before you leave. I promise.” you say and her face falls.

“Hope all goes well.” she says dryly, accepts her outfit back, and turns back in her bedroom.

You walk with more attitude as you walk back to Sam and Emily’s. You fly the door open, with a little bit more force than meant. Paul was nonchalantly at the table with his phone right there.

“Really? We’re done?” you then nod. “Fine.” you say and walk to his room.

“You’re absolutely crazy if you think I would let you hit that side of town.” he says and leans against the door frame.

You just shake your head and face the window not wanting to look at his face.

“No trust. What’s the point?” you mutter defiantly and shrug.

You feel a hand on you and you shrug it off. You wanted him to know how you felt so badly. He knew what you felt. He knew too much from his past experiences from just hanging around the people alone. They liked to take partying far most of the time. You having a boyfriend wouldn’t have stopped their pressure.

“I know what I’m doing, Y/N.” he just says.

“What? Be my father?”

“Would you stop being so childish? Obviously I’m trying to prevent bad news. That’s definitely not your crowd.” he says and chuckles with no humor.

”Afraid I’m going to run into many of your tramps?” you say harshly and face him.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he says and you look away.

“You should ask that question to yourself. You don’t control me.” you say and walk to the front door, outside in the fresh air.

He halts your walk, “If I let you go and something does happen, then what? I’m the first person you’re going to call. I’m good enough to fix it but not good enough to prevent it?”

“Don’t worry, you won’t hear from me when I touch Seattle in a few days.” you retort back.

“You probably weren’t even going to tell me huh? So ready to fuck me over.” he says venomously.

“I would’ve had to listen to you whine about what I can’t do…Maybe..I think we need some space.” you say. You didn’t mean it but the emotion took over.

Jared comes out, and stands beside Paul with a look of concern.

“I told you. I fucking told you.” he says and shakes his head. You choose not to say anything. His gaze alone pierced through your heart. Jared tries to persuade him back in the house. You held your chest as it pounded with pain. Fighting with each other caused pain.

You two didn’t speak. You were around each other but you didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He didn’t speak because he would get angry all over again. You mostly stayed up under Emily. You helped her bake desserts before she went off with Sam.

“Trouble in paradise?” Jared asks as he bites into the sandwich he made for himself with a sweet treat to eat after. You sit down.

“Yeah. It’s my fault.” you say and look out of the window with your chin resting on your hands.

“Heard you went out with Kim. Did something happen?”

“Sort of. He warned me about the kids in Neah Bay. I was only going with Kim to her cousin’s party but…He was being controlling.”

“Not saying this because he’s my friend, but he did save your ass.”

“Kim really wanted me to go with her. She’s still messed up about the whole imprinting thing.”

Jared huffs a bit and looks off into space for a bit.

“What’s really holding you back? I mean, you can talk to me.” You offer. He seemed conflicted.

“I was honest when I said it’s only the wolf part of me who feels compelled to be around her and all. I’m not trying to be mean but…she’s plain..basic. And before you say I didn’t at least give it a try, making a simple conversation is like pulling teeth. She can’t even take a joke if her life depended on it.” he vents out and ends that with a bite.

You lean back and continue to look out of the window. He wasn’t finished.

“You two, you and Paul. You already fight like a married couple. You both liked each other before the imprint. It’s more believable for it to be “meant to be.” If I have to spend the rest of my life with someone, I want it to be fun and happy.”

Paul went with Jared to his house. You called Kim to see if she was okay but there was no answer. You were so bored. There was still youth to the nighttime. Emily and Sam were off into their bonding time.

You stayed up very late, almost morning when Paul comes through. You weren’t in bed, you were sitting on the floor with a book you brought. He still didn’t speak or look your way. He got into bed and turned over and went to sleep.

The next morning, you decided to give him some space. As he slept, you quietly took your bag and belongings and made your way home. You were listening to music when you got a call.

The person who orchestrated the illustration project for you, wanted to know if you could come to Seattle for a small interview two days from now. You accept. It’s only a drive away. Hanging up, a text from Paul appears.

“You left?”

”Yes I’m back home.”

You watched, but no text came back.

The next day, you call. No answer. You just decide to call over and over. He answers on the fifth try.

“Hey.” you speak out. He sighs a bit and mutters back a hey.

You went to him tell all of the details of your new project in Seattle. “Do you want to tag along?”

“I’m good. I’ll stay back.”

“Why not? We can wander around.”

“That moment is for you.” he just says.

“I want my moment to be with you.”

You’re met with silence again. Nobody was home, everyone had plans.

“Do you want to come over?” you suggest.

“I’ll see.” You two hang up with each other.

You dozed off, after waiting for some time. You woke up to the creak of your window being open and look over to see Paul swing himself in like he’s been doing it time and time again.

You get up and hug him. It takes him a minute to finally wrap his arms around you and when he does, it’s a very tight bear hug.

“I don’t want you to be mad at me. I messed up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” you say into his lower chest. He rubs you on the back and sits you down.

“I’m not mad at you.” he says quietly. You nudge him. “Yes you are.”

“No. I’m mad at the situation but not at you.” he says and you know that he’s telling the truth. He sighs and goes on, “I don’t think you understand how much it hurts me whenever I can’t protect you. Even when it’s 100% preventable.”

You nod and look the other way.

“Come back with me.” he says and gives you the eyes to prevent you from saying no.

“I don’t know… I kinda miss my own bed.” You say to tease him.

“Please. You don’t miss it that bad.” Paul comes back with and emits a laugh from you. He takes a hold of the nape of your neck and pull you to him. Instantly you’re melted into him. He glided his hand on your bare back underneath your shirt. After a moment you pull back.

“You’re coming with me to Seattle right?” you say breathlessly.

He lifts his eyelids just a little, “Mmm maybe.” He leans back in. You pull back with a smack.

“Please?” you say and he covers you mouth with his again. This time, he gets your tongue to follow his lead. His hand move to the side of your face and you hold his forearm, trying your best to keep up with him. Ending with a soft pop, he looks at you, “You sure you don’t need space?”

Your hand is now on the nape of his neck, “I will never say that again.”

“Show me you’re sorry then.” he purrs to you and you lean forward to capture him. You take his hand and lead it straight to the point. While kissing him, you pressed his hand to your mound and move sensually, to let him feel you. He raised his hand, never leaving your skin, and discard whatever was covering the bottom part of you.

You lay back as he melts in between you savoring the taste of your lips, the feeling of his poked out flesh was making friction with your underwear covered part. His hands slide up your sides and you followed the blueprint of discarding the shirt. With unspilled drool, Paul is latched onto your spilled breasts. Taking his time with circling them each with his tongue. Your stomach sucks in, gasping occasionally, forgetting how to breathe. He moves down and puts his nose down and inhaled before going on to lick his lips. Your legs are raised with your underwear being slide down.

“Are you flexible?” he asks sensually.

“I think..so.” you answer back quietly. You soon know why he asked when he pushed your legs back making your knees separated with them pressed side by side your head. You were on full display as he looked down. A high note raised from your throat when he leaned down and lapped at you. Your head moves side to side as you could only grip onto his hair and the blankets on your bed. You couldn’t help when your body moved towards his mouth. He was precise. You grab onto his hands as he felt you up, your head was titled back and you whined about.

He pulls back as soon as you feel yourself getting closer to the white light, he shoved his shorts down and a spring of skin bobs out. His eyes never leaving yours, he touched himself softly, admiring you flushed and spread out.

He moves and flip you over him and you can finally kiss him. It was hot. It was sloppy but you both didn’t care. He nudged you to sit up, straddling him upright. You looked down as he lined you up with him. He made sure to gather the sap between you, and you took him in little by little. Thankful for no one being home, you were able to get out your whines and moans of moving back and forth on him. Pure euphoria is what you both felt. Both wanting the feeling to last forever. Your hands laid flat on his chest. His hands cupping and gripping the bottom of you, you look down as you go up and down to see him biting his lip a little as he rakes his eyes on you.

The sopping noises mixed with the small squeaks of your bed is partly responsible for producing more natural sap between your legs. Halfway off of the bed, he looked down as he pounded a steady rhythm with him holding your feet to his chest. Your body arched and you felt the tingles running throughout your entire body. He decides to slow it down, making you lose your mind, wanting him to go faster. He retracted out slow and the thrust in made you shudder without fail.

“Paul” you whine out to him. You didn’t recognize your voice. His thumb traced your pearl to match his strokes. “I’m here baby.” he says erotically. He lets your legs hang on his shoulders, lift you up a bit from the bed as you hang onto him, he pumps fluidly in and out. You now understood the feeling of someone fucking your brains out. Gasping, shuddering and shaking on him, he pulls out and rides out his orgasm. You crawl back, your body still not done trembling. You lay to your side and you moan, letting the climax pass through. Naked and all, Paul pulls you to him, carries you to the shower and he washes you. Possessively feeling all of you. Your back is facing and pressed against him, you’re crumbling all over again. Open kisses are placed on the neck as he circles his finger on your second heart, you hang onto him.

Your legs feel like jelly as you walk down the stairs. Your newly packed bag is in Paul’s hands and he lets you in the car. You felt like a lovesick puppy.

As you sit on the bed, waiting for him to join you to sleep, he flashes a mischievous glance.

“What?” you say.

“I want to sleep skin to skin.”

Flushed skin makes another debut on you as you stutter. He just laughs and kisses you on the side of your mouth, “One day.”

You made sure to bring your best examples of your work. In the waiting area, it was stressing you out. Paul leaned back in the chair, seeming to be totally relaxed. You kept flipping the pages over and over. He has a hand on your knee now and you notice that he paused the bouncing of your leg.

“Just be yourself.” He says to you.

Sitting across from two people, flipping through proof of your work, your stomach is clenched. In fact, you feel so tense all over. You watched their poker faces anxiously as they observe each page.

You already talked. They already asked the questions. You were waiting for their decisions.

A white contract is placed in front of you. They give you a week to make your mind up.

You walk out with the white paper in your hands and your shoulders are dropped due to relaxation. Paul didn’t wait for you to say the words. Your feet are off the ground. Your arms are around his neck and he nuzzled your neck while holding you in a slow swaying hug.

“Thank you..Thank you for everything.” you tell him seriously.

“That was all you, woman.”

You couldn’t have done it without him. His support. His push. You didn’t feel complete without him.

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moon7jay · 1 year ago

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LISTEN subby needy virgin hee and mean dom reader 😫

VIRGIN HEESEUNG IS MY WEAKNESS OMFG LIKE

Imagine y'all just started dating and u r a very forward person. You want him and u r not afraid to show it to him. His shy nature is what attracted u to him. And God was he shy

He'd be so so shy, not knowing what is it that he's feeling or what he should do about it cuz everything is so new to him. And u're a fucking tease. U know how to rile him up to the point of tears. Heeseung was in love with u, like IN PUPPY LOVE. But all u can think about is how deep u want his cock in u.

Standing too close to him, rubbing your boobs against his arm. Sitting on his lap, subtly applying pressure on his crotch. Turning a sweet, fluffy kiss into a tongue sucking session, leaving him all sweaty and out of breath and so impossibly hard. Wearing skimpy clothes, slowly abandoning pants completely, just roaming around in your underwear whenever he came over, or changing in front of him, telling him to turn around, knowing full well that he can see u in the full length mirror.

You were made to torture this poor boy, he's sure of it. That's the reason why u slipped your panties in his jeans pocket when he was kissing u goodbye. And once heeseung reaches home, his throat goes dry as he stares intently at the lace fabric. A damp spot in the middle. He gulps. Did u just take it off? He swears he doesn't know what came over him cuz the next second he was burying his nose in your essence and humping his pillow like a dog in heat. God u drive him crazy. All your low cut tops, that ass, that sexy as fuck naval, your teasing smile, he wants to die in between your legs so bad.

The next day when he comes over you're throwing him on your bed and straddling on his lap, making quick work of his jeans while he watches u, mouth wide open, cheeks warm and red when you rub him from over his boxers. He whimpers.

"U liked my present? Tell me baby?" ur siren voice asks and he's looking at u with a hazy vision, the feeling of you groping his dick quite literally overwhelming his senses. He moans in the prettiest voice u have ever heard, hitting u straight between your legs, making ur panties wet.

You grab his face, fingers digging in his cheek while u situate ur self on his lap, ur panty clad pussy right above his covered dick. Your grip is harsh as u kiss his puckered lips, your gaze unnerving

"Answer me like a good boy" u whisper and he's quiet literally ready to bark, his dick twitching at your words. "Y-yeah, smell so g-good" he hiccups as u start a slow grinding motion with your hips.

Your hands come up to wrap around his neck, tangling in the hairs at his nape, gripping and pulling his head back

"yeah? Did u jerk off to my smell like a pervert? Lick on my panties?" u asked, now grinding faster, his cock was so hard underneath you, your pussy was drooling

He gasped at your actions, his hands coming up to grab your waist and he nodded, eyes rolling back in pleasure when u rolled your hips just right. "Did u imagine me naked heeseung? while u jerked off your pathetic virgin cock, did u imagine us naked? Together? Grinding on each other?" U asked, hastily pulling off your top, your breasts bounced out, no bra underneath. He moaned at the sight, panting with how much pleasure ur grinding sexes were giving each other, but visually too, he could feast his eyes on your body

"f-fuck yes. thought about you naked, wanna get naked p-please y/n, let's get n-naked" His desperate whimpers and grabby hands were making u drip. God u couldn't wait.

You pulled away from him to pull off his boxers, almost chuckling at how he was quick to discard his shirt somewhere.

His thick, long cock had u drooling. Pausing ur movements and taking his fat cock into your palm, rubbing up and down, a pained hiss leaving his throat, hips bucking into your hand, so desperate for your touch

you moved to settle on his bare cock again, running your hands up his chest, touching him, pulling on his nipples. He whimpered, eyes tearing up when u took his nipple in your mouth, sucking on them alternately, his own hands moving up to grab your breasts, groping and squeezing. U slapped his hands away. u cooed at how he fisted the sheets immediately, obeying your unsaid instructions.

"Now we're naked heeseung, now what?" u asked, sucking on his earlobe, starting to grind on him again. The sheer fabric of your panties was the only thing separating your leaking genitals from meeting and pleasuring each other.

"s-sex" he moaned and u sighed, moving back and forth on his dick, your wetness making the slide slippery and so pleasurable

"Yeah? that's why we got naked didn't we? to have sex? To make each other feel good?" u asked, sliding your panties to the side, rubbing his cock against your slit, ready to take him inside. He nodded desperately, his wide bambi eyes fixated on how your pussy met his cock. 'please, please, please' he was chanting inaudibly

"What is it baby? "

"i-inside, please please put it inside please I wanna, oh god- his words cut off with a pornographic moan as u finally took him inside u to the hilt, slamming down on his fuck meat, groaning in satisfaction

"Fuck yeah, gonna fuck that dick so good" u moaned, starting to bounce on his cock, so good that his head fell back on his shoulders, mouth open in a silent scream, losing himself in the pleasure of your pussy and the warm velvety walls.

"f-fuck me" he whimpered, tears brimming his eyes, too lost in the tightness of your cunt

"Yeah let's fuck baby, fuck into me while I fuck on u - Fuck-jesus yeah, just like that" u cried, grabbing his hairs harshly when u felt his hips thrusting upwards, meeting your every movement

The grinding and squelching of your genitals grinding was making a mess on his stomach, lustful pants and pleasurable sighs filling up the minimal space between your bodies. You rubbed your nipples against his sensitive ones, rubbing your sweaty bodies together, making a mess

"God fuck yeah, give it to me, give me that virgin dick baby, fuck fuck fuck- your lips met his drooling mouth, licking up his saliva and spitting into his hot cavern, moaning when he swallowed immediately, his eyes rolling back in ecstasy, the temperature rising and rising, your nails scratched his chest, digging and breaking skin

"Pussy so good u can't even fucking speak, sex so good u look like a pussy drunk slut baby" u panted in his mouth, tangling your tongue with his own, rubbing and grinding and slamming your hips down on his cum covered cock

He nodded, totally surrendering himself to you, tears falling down his eyes, face red and sweaty just like his body, fingers gripping and fisting the sheets, dirty pathetic moans falling from his lips at the feeling of your cunt clenching around him, the feeling of your pussy jerking off his virgin cock had him seeing heaven

There was no one else and no other way heeseung would have chosen to lose his virginity to.

#enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen hard headcanons #enhypen smut #enhypen hard hours #enhypen #heeseung smut #lee heeseung #enha #heeseung x reader #lee heesung x reader #lee heeseung smut

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breakyourrxles · 14 days ago

Text

❥between two breaths (m) | 𝟛

𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐮𝐬

↳ With the promise of debut hanging on the horizon, you are forced to make peace with some hard truths about what that means for not only yourself, but how Sunwoo is meant to fit into your life.

kim sunwoo x fem!reader (side lee juyeon x reader) — idol!sunwoo, fan/trainee!reader. forced proximity, forbidden love, friends to lovers, angst, slow burn, idolverse-typical themes regarding; dating, image, public perception, etc. happy ending, plot-heavy!! reader thinks she's nonchalant about it but she rly isn't. smut. [4,6k wc ongoing] cws: heavy themes of wanting-but-can't-having, mild jealousy, explicit sexual content, a little alcohol consumption, dancing on the edge of career suicide, poor decision making because of The Wanting.

�� masterlist | ao3

Sunwoo looks around, briefly catches the eyes of Miyoung who is quick to break the contact and then shuffle away out of sight. "Why? What's wrong with me being here?"

You are afforded the luxury of maintaining your own unique personhood.

Some of the girls set to debut alongside you, however, are not. Sitting in the conference room, you wonder what it must be like to be told that from this day forward and for a completely undetermined amount of time, you must put on a persona. Your new personality is not your own; it is not what comes naturally to you, no longer the product of the way you have been raised or your surroundings up until now. Now, you are to be reborn into a predetermined set of traits and quirks that make up your identity, and you are expected to maintain this front during nearly every waking hour of the rest of your celebrity life.

All things considered, you're one of the lucky ones.

Woori and Miyoung are too, though the weight of leadership has, as you expected, fallen to Woori's shoulders. She sits up straight and attentively as the director of the project details everything moving forward, pointing at bits of text and constructed imagery of the visual intention of the future group, nodding along as if all of this isn't soon to change irreversibly for you all.

It is daunting in ways you hadn't quite felt the pressure of until this moment; in this dimly lit room sitting in an uncomfortable rolling chair that's too high for your personal height. There's only ten girls in attendance now, and the concept board has made it abundantly clear that the most ideal number that they are searching for is eight.

Kaia is still here and for that, you are thankful. The majority of your split dorm has cleared out and empty beds now remain where the bodies of your trainee comrades once laid. Tonight, the rest of you will split up so that the rooms are less packed and more space is afforded to each of you, but there is a sadness that lingers in the walls that tells tales of shattered hearts and broken dreams.

Privacy barely remains so late into this journey, and once the numbers dwindled down to something more closely akin to that which the company has been searching for, deep dives into all of your lives quickly began. A constant bombardment of questions relating to your time in school, your friendship circles, family life and the way you once spent your time before entering into the audition process; and though you'd have wished to keep certain aspects of yourself held tightly to your chest, your manager was quite insistent otherwise.

Things such as this always find their way of getting out, and it is best to allow for the company to do with it as they may.

In some of the earliest introductory content released, you tell your story about Sunwoo. Not everything—nor do you disclose everything to the most prying ears—but enough to get the job done so that the PR team can get ahead of it and put whatever sort of cutesy spin they wish in order to gain the public's favor. Aside from a few naysayers, most seem amused by the fact. You tell an endearing story from an early fansign years ago about how you had told Sunwoo you wanted to dance, and he expressly insisted that you pursue it.

What the people don't know is that you knew about the upcoming girl group project long before the rest. Now, you are here.

In four months, you and the other girls are set to debut.

It's an incredibly fast track, and you can't help but carry doubt about whether or not you're going to be able to pull it off. Your dance is good and your vocals are quickly improving, but you wonder if it's going to be enough to stand on a stage and show people the value of your effort thus far. The directors of the project seem confident, and shooting for teaser photos and music videos is set to start soon. Being in front of a camera is the least of your concerns by now with the amount of promotional footage you have all already recorded, but being in front of people in real time is going to serve as the ultimate, ending test. Can you do it, or can't you?

Luck has been on your side for the vast majority of this incredible undertaking, and you figure that eventually, it is all going to come crashing down. Aside from the stringent rules and lack of privacy, the company treats you well and does what they can to make the process as simple as they possibly can. The members surrounding you are kind and talented—hard workers that all want this just as badly as you do—and a leader with a good head on her shoulders who is both empathetic and strong-willed. You couldn't ask for more, and you don't dare give time to consider the possibility of less.

Four months. Then nothing will ever be the same.

As far as work is concerned, it's an easy Friday evening and you are all let out early to enjoy some of the little remaining freedom that you may have. Miyoung and Kaia head back to the dorm to gather and move their things into the other, more spacious rooms, while you, Woori and the rest head down the street to a buzzing restaurant situated at the corner to snag a table large enough to accommodate the number of heads.

November is chilly, and the weather sits somewhere in between rain and snow as it falls down from the skies and catches in your hair. The streets are wet but still bustling with life as passersby quickly make their way through the busy crowds and toward their destinations. Nowadays, enough introductory content about the upcoming group has been released that people are beginning to show interest, and occasionally, some of you are stopped in the streets for questions and a photo.

It's an exciting time that in ways you never thought you would actually see come to fruition. Woori gets the most attention and for that, you are somewhat thankful. Being the most popular, most looked at, most scrutinized member of any group was never your goal; perfectly happy to be little more than a solid pillar that forms a sturdy surrounding for all of you to succeed.

"It's finally happening," Woori says, standing outside the restaurant alongside you. "I'm really happy with the line-up, I don't think it could have gone any better than it has."

"Are you not concerned about further cuts?"

She shakes her head. "Ten is good, I think they'll be willing to keep everyone with how cohesive the unit is right now. The planning is just that—an idea—they're not beholden to it if something better were to come along. I believe it has."

Nodding, you pull your jacket tighter against your form to stave off the bitter chill of the wind.

"I'm glad. I'm happy with it too."

"Plus, in even better news, people don't seem especially put off by your previous fandom activities, so that's promising," Woori says, swaying slightly to nudge you. "Looks like you've really won them over. Perhaps a fan favorite. I imagine a lot of people will see themselves in you because of it."

You laugh and then say, "I don't know how relatable an idol can possibly be. Isn't the whole point being somewhat unrelatable? Unattainable and out of touch."

Woori thinks it over for a second before replying but eventually she says, "Somewhat, sure. But I think in recent years the culture has also moved towards idols that people can see something of themselves in. A few years ago you might have been cast as something evil, something to be rid of because of your interest and proximity, but now? Now, you're one of them. You're not different nor better than them, you're the same. People like that."

The words bring about thoughts of how swiftly the public perception can change, as simple as a gust of wind on a cold winter day. One day they love something, the next they don't, and how tied to that your career truly will be. Every word to say, every movement you make will be dissected and put under a magnifying glass for the world to determine the legitimacy of—this is what you have signed up for—and in so many ways, it is terrifying.

There is still so much that the people do not know.

When the rest of the girls arrive and you are all seated at your table, the drinks begin to flow and shared congratulatory expressions are exchanged. Glasses clink together and girls giggle with perfect teeth and beautiful, shining hair and no different than before, you realize that there is nowhere else that you would rather be tonight. You owe them everything, because without their hard work, without their blood, sweat and tears; you wouldn't be here right now, either. You would be nothing, you would be nobody. They are you, and you are them.

More and more lately, the guilt of words unspoken weighs heavily on your shoulders. Sunwoo comes up occasionally as little more than a passing, thoughtless comment meant in jest. An idea, a concept with no force behind it; and every time you feel the desire for honesty creeping just that much closer up and into your throat.

You could tell them. You should tell them. Tell them the truth about how you know him and for how long you have known him. That the scene in the cafe that day had been nothing more than some silly, orchestrated ruse that he concocted in an effort to save you the awkwardness of further, messy encounters. Surely, they would understand. Surely, they would believe your truth-telling precisely as it is.

If Woori were in your position, and told you the same story, would you believe her not to be omitting details? You can't be so sure.

And so, you swallow down the urge like so many other times, put on a smile, and put the thought fully out of your head. There will be more opportunities, and as your time together grows, maybe it will become easier down the line. All of this is still new; your friendships, your work, the relationships that are still being tended to like small sprouts in the garden. There is no need to rush it, and perhaps, rushing it may cause it all to fall away.

The dorm feels spacious, and uncomfortably so.

The change has been gradual. Specific areas of the shared space emptying out over time, with girls and their belongings trickling out slowly. When it happens in such a way, it's far easier to ignore, but when faced with the fact of it like this; everything comes crashing down around you.

Ten girls remain, and your particular room is now a barren wasteland of strewn about sheets and off-kilter chairs, drawers… left behind bits of wrappers and packaging from cosmetics that have never quite found their forever home. Now, only you remain.

Woori has her own room in one of the other apartments just beside yours, on account of being the eldest and the leader of the group. The rest drew straws to keep things as fairly distributed as possible, and you have landed yourself in yet another fortunate position to no longer have to share your immediate living space with anyone else. Kaia and Miyoung are still in the apartment, their bedrooms and beds only mere footsteps away, but their loss still feels gargantuan in comparison to the vast nothing left behind.

This loneliness that you feel strikes you as odd. You wonder to yourself how it can be that you feel this way when you are so constantly surrounded by people obsessed with ensuring that you are never truly alone. You have almost no privacy; your every movement is carefully watched and then scolded if not upheld to the highest standard that a freshly debuted idol should achieve. Your online activity is somewhat monitored, your engagements with your groupmates and your friends scrutinized. People both adore you as you are and exist to shape you into something even better. You're good, but not quite good enough. Realistically, you know you never will be. Not in an industry such as this one.

You have so few belongings to make up for the space in the room, because nothing that you wear from now on is ever, truly yours. The exaggeration feels apt, because you know that stylists will have a hand in everything you are ever seen out in now. Your clothes are for home—not that you will be spending much time here—cosmetics falling to the wayside in favor of the expensive offerings that are soon to befall you.

From now on, you are a product to be molded, perfected, and then sold to the public. Anything that was once your own no longer has a place here.

Sighing aloud, you take the sight before you in and then quickly make an effort to move past it. This is still the easy part, and you know that. Things will only get more difficult from here on out, best to find ways to compartmentalize it sooner, rather than later.

There's a knock at the door but you ignore it. Probably one of the managers and Miyoung is closer, anyway. You slip your shirt off and pull on a cozier, softer sweater for settling in for the night and then slowly begin to crawl your tired body into the bed.

It's quiet in the dorm and thus, easy to hear the goings on throughout it. There are footsteps from inside towards the front door, the door clicks open, and then Miyoung gasps in a way that really demands your attention.

She doesn't sound exceptionally frightened by whatever has found her—no screams, no further noises—only silence follows until you hear the muffled sound of a man's voice in addition. Surely not one of the managers, because nothing is frightening about that just yet.

It hits you at about the same time that Miyoung quietly stutters your name.

Tossing your legs over the side of your bed, you scramble out of the bedroom, but you don't really have to make that far of a journey because as soon as you turn into the hallway there is ample view of the front door to the apartment; and of course, familiarity is staring right back at you.

"What are you doing?" The question comes out of you without so much as a thought, your most immediate and honest reaction to Sunwoo standing inside of your home. Miyoung is awkwardly glancing between the two of you, but his gaze is fitted solely on you.

"Visiting," he says.

"Are you insane?" you reply, and the words are spit out with just a little bit more vitriol than you might normally like them to carry. Sunwoo's expression changes slightly as a result of it, obviously a little confused as well as slightly amused by the response he is receiving.

"For visiting my friend?"

"Emphatically yes!" you say. "You know you shouldn't be here."

Sunwoo looks around, briefly catches the eyes of Miyoung who is quick to break the contact and then shuffle away out of sight. "Why? What's wrong with me being here?"

You wince. Hands coming up and roughly palming at your face in disbelief because he cannot possibly be this dimwitted. No, Sunwoo is smart—smart enough to understand the implications and the potential outcomes of someone seeing him coming here—this, whatever it even is, is purposeful.

"I shouldn't have to explain this to you, you know exactly why you shouldn't come here! What are you thinking?"

"We should probably step outside to talk about this," Sunwoo insists, quiet but firm.

"I severely doubt being outside is better."

Sunwoo's hand digs into his pocket and he pulls out his phone. He pokes at the screen a little bit and then turns it to face you. On it, are all of the one-sided messages he has been sending you that you simply have not had the chance to truly grant time nor attention to. Suddenly, you understand precisely why he is insisting upon not engaging in this discussion around ears who do not yet know the history hanging heavily between you.

Groaning, you throw your hands in the air as a sign of relent and just say "Fine."

Outside is cold, and the apartment complex gives the wind added gusto as it winds past you with a biting chill. With your arms crossed over yourself, you hope to make this quick and quiet.

Sunwoo looks at you and his eyes widen with the sort of expression that silently asks well? Are you going to explain yourself? You don't particularly have a good explanation, however, and especially not one that he shouldn't especially understand for himself.

"I don't know what you want me to say. We debut in a few months, I'm busy, there's a lot going on and girls are still getting cut. I'm just trying to make sure I'm not going to be one of them."

He rolls his eyes. "Seriously? You're obviously not going to be. You don't have a few minutes to answer a text? You sure looked busy just now."

"You can't be serious," you say, exasperated. "Look, I know it's been a long time since you have been in the trainee system but—"

"Don't do that," Sunwoo cuts off. "Don't talk to me like I'm some crazy out of touch idol who doesn't remember what it's like to struggle through all of this, like I'm not still struggling through it everyday. It's not like it suddenly gets better once a debut happens, or your career takes off. You're only going to get busier, and have less free time. It's going to get harder, not easier. You of all people should know better of me."

And he's right. The words tighten in your chest like a vine, because you know that everything Sunwoo says is the truth. It's not going to get better, nor easier, and you have simply got to find a way to juggle everything better than whatever it is that you're doing now.

You palm over your face again, attempting to wipe the tiredness that hangs so heavily in your eyelids away. Your brain is foggy with mental and physical exhaustion, and if it were up to you, you wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Then again, if it were up to you, you might not ever be having the conversation at all; the crux of the matter, as it would seem.

"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much. I hate it too, if it's any consolation. It's just…" Your words linger in the air between the two of you as you make an attempt to locate the precise expression that encapsulates your feelings, but eventually, you just say; "I'm so fucking tired, and worn down, and stressed out, and I don't know when or if it's ever going to let up. I'm scared, and excited, and I don't know what to do with any of that."

Looking up, Sunwoo is staring back at you. His fringe is long and it hangs in his eyes, blowing ever so slightly in the wind as it occasionally passes by. His hood is up, as per usual when the two of you meet like this, but you can still see the remnants of makeup circling around his eyes. They must have been filming something today—probably a long, grueling schedule for him—and yet here he is, still making the effort, still finding the time to prioritize the things that are important to him, like you.

"You're not alone," he eventually says, with a kind of finality to it that is truly striking. "You don't have to do all of this alone just because you have a secret."

"Well, it feels that way sometimes."

"You should tell them."

Your attention had wandered, but once those words leave his mouth, your head snaps right back over to look at him in shock. "What? Are you out of your mind?"

Sunwoo smirks a little and then lightly shrugs. He says, "You think about things too much, always in your head and stressing out unnecessarily. They're your members, and from what you've told me, a really great group of girls. Just tell them."

"You didn't tell your members until just recently, either."

"Of course not, but that was a different situation," Sunwoo says. "You were just a fan when we started meeting, and I didn't need anyone in the moment thinking that I might be engaging in some fairly unsavory activities. It could have resulted in a lot of uncomfortable conversations, and I'm not exactly known for really thinking things through. Sangyeon would have flipped his lid and thought I was about to accidentally send this whole group into a tailspin, better to avoid it for everyone's sake."

His head bobbles side-to-side a bit, like he's still trying to put everything he is thinking into the right words, he shrugs again as if none of this is of any consequence at all now and then says, "But the circumstances have changed. Sure, to an outsider looking in, who doesn't know me or you or the history of our friendship it'll probably still look rather unsavory, but I'm not telling you to post online about it, I'm telling you to trust the same people that you have to trust for everything else moving forward. I'm sure they'll understand. Hell, it'll probably bring you closer."

You give him an unconvinced look. "Yeah? Has it brought you and Eric closer?"

"Kind of. Eric and I were already close, now he just thinks we should date. He likes us together."

"Because I'm the only woman you know?"

Affronted, Sunwoo reels and then squints with displeasure at the implication.

"I know other women. Other women that he does not think I should date, by the way."

"What makes me so special, then?"

Sunwoo begins casually looking around, like he is wholly unimpressed by the topic of discussion at hand. "He likes the story. Thinks it's cute. He's something of a romantic, really. Can't say I blame him."

Can't say I blame him. That hangs heavy on your mind despite your best efforts to quickly move past it. Silence then lingers between the two of you—both seemingly basking in the concept brought forth—but the words to respond to it all hardly find you. To say that you've never thought of it would be a lie, it's been a long, strange road between you and Sunwoo leading up to right now, but the realism of it all comes crashing down immediately no matter which road you think to take in regards to it.

Sunwoo is your friend, nothing more. Nor can he ever be anything more. This is something you have long since accepted, an idea quickly cast out of your mind from the very beginning of your engagements together. Being idols only solidifies this fact more.

So, you opt to joke about it. Sarcastic in tone, you reiterate "You think we should date."

"No, not necessarily," Sunwoo says, "but I think you should just live life a little bit more without all the meticulous planning you insist on doing. You're going to find none of it is ever going to really matter in a few months, anyway. Everything is going to be planned by someone else and you're going to have little-to-no say in it. That's when that inkling of rebellion starts to creep in. That's when the idea of just doing something—anything—to take back a part of yourself comes inching back in."

A chill slithers across your skin, and when your eyes meet again, you cannot help but feel how deeply Sunwoo seems to be speaking from personal, painful experience.

"Well, as the guy who has lived through it, what do you suggest? Bestow upon me your knowledge."

He chuckles under his breath, and before turning to take his leave he says, "The wrong decisions are gonna feel way better than the right ones, and it's a long and hard fall from the top. At the end of the day, the company cares about themselves more than they care about you, so just keep that in mind when factoring in what may or may not get out."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means if you're caught doing something you shouldn't be doing, they're going to take the path of least resistance. If that means throwing you under the bus for what they consider the greater good, then they're going to do it, and frankly…" Sunwoo's words fall off for a moment, but it does not take long for him to locate his next thought. He says, "It's better to play it safe, and the earlier, the better."

Rolling your eyes, you take a step forward and grab at the sleeve of Sunwoo's hoodie as he makes an attempt to take his leave. "Stop speaking in code! You're telling me that there's a window of opportunity here then. That if… something doesn't happen now, then it won't. Ever. It can't."

Your chest tightens as you say it, plainly laying out the facts of the matter in a way that you haven't quite allowed yourself to think about them before. The thought of Sunwoo being anything more to you than a friend has been put to rest inside of you for so long that acknowledging it as a previously considered concept feels wholly foreign inside of your heart.

Especially because you'd never, for even a second, considered that he might be interested in traversing the murky waters of something more with you before.

There's a brisk, cold breeze that wafts by the both of you. Sunwoo stills at the feeling of your touch upon him and makes no effort to remove himself from your grasp. The two of you remain frozen like this for many, slow moments until finally, he turns slightly to look back at you.

"Nothing is ever impossible, you're no stranger to the secret lives of idols," Sunwoo says, voice low and quiet. "But the stakes will be higher, the fallout bigger; and there's no well-kept secrets in this industry. Eventually, everything comes out."

"Then…" It's nothing more than a single word, and terror has taken your form. All of this is coming out of nowhere, all of a sudden. It's more than you were anticipating coming into this conversation, and so many prior feelings are not unearthing themselves inside of you. A chance, a possibility of something you never thought to ever really be. It frightens you, and frankly, you want nothing more than to run away from all of this and pretend that this conversation hasn't actually taken place. This is so much—what is being suggested is starting from zero and rebuilding something else once more—and you are unsure whether or not that is an undertaking that you can sign-up for.

"What do you think I should do?"

Sunwoo smiles, the previous seriousness in his expression washing away in almost an instant.

"I think you should tell your members, like I said."

The omission of the most pertinent topic still sits weighty between you, though he opts out of pertaining to it further in his response. Your hand drops away from the fabric of his shirt and you set him free to walk away, and with a lazy wave of his hand, he bids you farewell for the evening.

"Oh, and reply to your damn messages!" he is sure to add in as he goes.

#sunwoo smut #tbz smut #the boyz smut #sunwoo x reader #sunwoo imagines #sunwoo scenarios #tbz x reader #tbz imagines #tbz scenarios #the boyz x reader #the boyz imagines #the boyz scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop smut

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icarusthecryptid · 2 months ago

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Keath's storytelling through their art is amazing.

Like, look at these characters, these concepts, these pictures. Every bit of media used to convey a story. It's honestly brilliant!

I've got so much to say about it so let me ramble about the Harkers today!

Each of these represent something, which is very neat. But the way each character is dressed, is designed, looks even, it tells you something! It's brilliant. The personalities out of clothing and designs.

The Storyteller, their entire design is a story. Every accessory, every detail, every layer. It tells you so much about them! The hat that covers eyes, which I think is a fun way to show how the past doesn't look forward. Uncovered mouth, because historically stories/legends/history was passed by word of mouth because most people couldn't read. Also most of the time it was through songs too! That's so cool. There's so much going on in the Storyteller's design and clothing, the feather accessories, the plants, the straws, the clothes and dress like attachments. The shoes! There's a million details, and each says something without actually saying anything at all. For a mysterious figure, I believe the storyteller has the most that's actually being told purely from a visual perspective. There is a mystery, but the past illuminates (get it? Storyteller has a lamp hehe). Visually, the Storyteller lives up to its name so well! This is a being you'd find at the side of the road, along the crowd, on a stage, to sing of a past, to tell a story. A forgettable but unforgettable being. Too many details that will overwhelm you with implications, too many stories, but not extravagant, still rooted in the past, the basics if you will. Straws are important here, fields, the outside, nature. Straws in the past have been used for so much, bedding, isolation, food for cattle, to soften places, and clothing like hats. Multi-purpose and helpful.

Okay, next the Storyteller's significant other, the Bell-Ringer or also known as Yarrow. Who represents the future! A goat like being who wears Bell's and expensive clothing. If the future is commonly associated with good fortune, this is exactly how it should be conveyed! Not too simple and not too extravagant, there's a lot of details, but they're still rich in its simplicity. Ruffles, straight lines, horns and branches. Bell-Ringer is tall (but not the tallest), imposing, regal, a crown of golden really. Stitched patches on their cheeks, which convey a doll-like being, even as a goat. Their eyes are unique, like all goats, horizontal. To me their eyes are a way to have a unique play on future insight. And the patches on the cheeks can convey that these are untold. Yarrow is colorful, bright, imposing and even knowing. A representation of the future in such a beautiful way. Bell's also!!! Bell's are so important, Bell's have been commonly used to announce big news, important events and presently more for the time. Ringing Bells on a street corner for news, ringing Bells to herd cattle, ringing Bells to celebrate. A bell for attention, now more to great people too. It's important here, and it can have a lot of implications. Does the bell ringing mean that something important happens where the Yarrow is? The future is the sound of bells.

The last two Harkers are a bit harder for me as I'm not super sure I have seen all their details. So I'm hoping I'm getting it right and not misinterpreting what I'm seeing.

Okay! Third, let's go with the Enkindled. The Enkindled is the shortest. Its name can mean several things, like set on fire or to inspire (emotions). With a tree like being that is messy, that is wooden but small, pretty simple and not too extravagant. I believe the Enkindled has the least amount of detailing, oh there's a lot of it don't get me wrong, but clothing and accessory wise, there isn't much. But it represents a tree like being, so that makes sense. The wood that branches is detailed enough. Trees are mesmerizing enough. A truly rooted figure that doesn't need much, but still can inspire. The smallest of things can give the most ideas. A single tree can tell a story, a forest tells more. Again, I still don't know much, but what I know is that there is heart in this being, contrary to what you glean from a first glance maybe. But trees have represented so much, like family trees. But also strength, individuality and expression, calmness, growth and the interconnectedness of everything. It's the heart of it, the beginning maybe. They represent order(?) and that's reflected in their design! Trees might look chaotic, but they're ordered in a way that makes sense. Branches serve a purpose, the way they form is the most ideal path for a tree. The order in which a tree grows, withers, lives or dies.

Lastly the Croon, the tallest and most imposing looking. It has feathers and matches the design of a bird, the skull is bird-like. It's body looks like a bird's. But that's not the only animal trait, moose antlers, a crown of spikes and claw-like hands. The Croon looks the most intimidating. And its name can be interpreted as a tone of voice, crooning, sentimental humming/singing/speaking. The croon represents entropy, entropy can mean the end or decay of things. With a skull representing their head I feel that that's really well conveyed. There's a chaos to their design, but it all makes sense still especially with the concept of entropy. Where things fall into disarray or decline. The Croon looks dosserayed.

I love the way that the Harkers are themed after story aspects. The Storyteller as a name tells a story, respecting the past as most stories are retellings. The Bell-Ringer, the future, every story has one, what comes after. The Enkindled, the heart, the idea of a story, that what motivates, but also the order of it, there is a way to tell a story that makes sense of the chaos within these events that are linked. The Croon represents entropy, the chaos in a story or the ending of it, the challenge or the struggle that simply is.

If I got anything wrong please don't get angry! I'm very much still learning about the lore and details, unfortunately my brain is far more focused towards details in art than all the smart stuff everyone else seems to get 😭 and please do correct me if I'm wrong on anything!

End of the day, I just really love the amount of attention and visual storytelling that was put into Yaelokre, the art was addmitably what got me so into this all. It was the first thing that really caught my attention. The songs and the story I love them too!

Thanks for reading :D (if you're still here) and I hope if anyone else wants to share their thoughts on designs and stuff they will! I can't wait to ramble about the lark too, but my brains too tired to talk any more so I'll leave this here for now :D

Have a doodle page as compensation for sitting through this!

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meimi-haneoka · 7 months ago

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Clear Card Trivia 3 ~ Sakura's journey of growth and self-understanding throughout Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

Hello and welcome back to my "Clear Card Trivia" series, a collection of informative posts where I delve into certain aspects of the story of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card! ✨

The topic I will talk about today has been on my "to-do list" for long time. It's something I felt the need to talk about, and I won't hide the reason why: the desire to fully eviscerate this topic grew particularly after reading around certain criticism of Clear Card Arc. But also after listening to CLAMP's Twitter Spaces, particularly the ones towards the end of the story.

It's something that, setting aside my obvious love for the new characters, will always make me think that Clear Card Arc has been a very welcome addition to the series.

This post will delve into Sakura's growth throughout Clear Card Arc.

Sakura grew up considerably during the story, and had a character development that sadly not many people truly realized.

I'm not talking about an evolution of the character design which, despite changing and evolving throughout the story (as it's expected for a long-running serialization), kept depicting Sakura consistently with quite young looks...no, I'm talking about her mental growth, in relation to her self-knowledge and her relationship with her magic powers.

A journey that might almost feel "frustrating", because it is full of "up and downs", and Sakura sometimes seems to be taking one step forward and two back. Aside from the obvious practical reasons (the plot had to develop several other storylines simultaneously), it very much reflects the realistic growth of a pre-teen, which is never a straight line but is made of improvements and relapses.

Along the journey, I couldn't really avoid mentioning some bits of the development of Sakura's relationship with Syaoran, which will get its own deep and detailed post another day.

There's also an extra about the significance of the Clear Cards in the story, at the end.

I have to be honest, the post is very long, but I tried to insert visual elements to make it easier on the eye. If you're curious to know how the hell I found so much to talk about for this specific topic, follow me under the cut and dive into Sakura's journey throughout Clear Card (it's also a good way to review the story)! ✨

A Disconnected Beginning

Clear Card Arc starts in a very "festive" and happy way: everything is peaceful, a new exciting chapter of Sakura's educational life is starting with the beginning of middle school, Syaoran is back to Tomoeda, this time to stay forever with his beloved girl...everything seems so perfect. And precisely in chapter 1, before everything takes an unexpected turn, we have this scene here, which I consider the "true" beginning of everything:

Sakura says "I haven't been using this lately...well, that's for the better".

At the beginning of Clear Card Arc, Sakura seems to be feeling disconnected from her natural gift.

Despite she had to go on a quest to collect all the Clow Cards, which later she gave a new life to by changing them into Sakura Cards, we have to remember that Sakura was born with magic powers. They weren't bestowed on her by Kero-chan, nor by the contract with the Clow Book: she always had magic in her blood, and it apparently "woke up" on that fateful day she found the Clow Book in the library of her father.

At the beginning of this arc, Sakura seems to think that the purpose, the meaning of this natural gift which is literally part of herself, has been fulfilled by transforming all the Cards, and splitting Eriol's power as he had requested. Her words here seem to be suggesting a general idea of "if I have to use this key (therefore, my magic powers), it means something troublesome is happening, so it's better if I'm not using it because it means everything is okay".

And although we can't really deny that what happened afterwards is far from being able to be considered "peaceful", this scene here always left a bad taste in my mouth because there's almost a negative vibe attached to the idea of her magic, transpiring from Sakura's words. It's almost as if she's politely rejecting it.

Precisely after she places her Star Key in her jewelry box, probably hoping to never have to use it again, she has her first premonitory dream of the events that will shake her life afterwards. Almost as if her powers were trying to tell her "no my dear, this is you and you'd better come to terms with it as soon as possible".

Then, as we all know, the Cards turn blank. Sakura produces a new key while having another dream and a quest to fight and "secure" some strange phenomena happening around her begins, leaving her in a state of increasing confusion.

This is the beginning of the part of the story that I quite literally call "Sakura loses sight of herself".

At this very early stage of the story, she still doesn't know that she started losing control over her increasing magical power, and it is definitely not a coincidence that all of this began when she thought of shutting her main magic tool away in a box, hoping to ignore it forever. For plot reasons, this also happens simultaneously to Syaoran taking the spirits of the Sakura Cards away from her (because in the beginning, you had to be tricked into thinking he was up to something shady and was the real mastermind behind all the incidents).

Syaoran expected for Sakura to lose control over her powers, as his mother predicted a general period of trouble for her that could lead her to unhappiness, albeit without any clear indication of what could happen: Syaoran came to Japan knowing something was bound to happen to his girl and her powers, and that something was going to lead her to grief, but he had no idea about all the rest. So his uncertain and reckless approach, which ended up in some cases worsening the situation, is also somewhat understandable. He was acting like a worried, overprotective boyfriend at his wit's end.

The strange events, which Sakura materializes into a new set of Cards, surely leave her distraught and confused, not to mention the situation with the Sakura Cards and Eriol's missing replies, but I feel that what really destabilizes her core are the constant dreams she gets, sometimes even in the middle of her waking hours, making her faint on the spot wherever she is.

Premonitory dreams are a part of her natural gift that she began to express ever since the OG manga, but she never seemed to really understand them or take them seriously.

This time around, she keeps seeing this cloaked figure and this terrifying dragon, no one speaks a word despite her relentless questions and the cloaked figure seems to be wanting to take her newly made key away (Lilie!!! what were you trying to do!! *facepalm* she probably tried to pull her closer so she could talk to her), so it's just normal that all of that leaves her increasingly stressed and anxious, even though initially you never see her openly and verbally stating that, due to her overall positive nature ("I'll manage it, somehow" is part of her "everything will be alright" invincible spell, and this is indeed what she keeps telling herself in the beginning of the arc, even though in some occasions it turned out to be a double-edged sword, as sometimes it looked more like sweeping her fears under the carpet, to me).

"Something Is Not Right"

Dream after dream, Card after Card, Sakura begins to have these general feelings of discomfort and of "something is not right, here", as she openly states to Syaoran in this scene of volume 4, chapter 14. There's something about this situation that is pricking her sixth sense, and makes her uneasy, but she can't quite put her finger on it yet. All she can do is to keep "fighting" these phenomena happening around her, hoping to find out more along the way. She reiterates the same feeling of uneasiness at the end of chapter 15, after what I consider one of the most concerning side-effects of her poor control over her powers: Sakura seems almost "in trance" while she leads her guardians to the exit of the maze, and acts in a very uncharacteristic, cold way by shoving her bag in front of Yue to make him hold it for her. It's almost as if her magical sixth sense worked too strongly and warped her personality in that moment: an effect that has been mentioned several times in relation to powerful magicians like Clow, Eriol and later Kaito too, so it's not farfetched at all to attribute this one-off occurrence to her loss of control over her strong powers, which ended up affecting her personality too. Luckily, it didn't happen again in the rest of the story and the capture of this Card was completely changed in the anime (a wise decision imho, since the JP fandom is particularly fussy about the integrity of Sakura's character, and she needed to stay "Sakura" in order to do what she did at the end).

At the culmination of a "mini arc" (the visit to great-grandpa Masaki) characterized by uncontrolled visions of Nadeshiko, another frightening dream (one that ended up dragging even Akiho in, due to the synchronization) and Sakura for the first time ever confronting Syaoran about the things he's been hiding from her, we reach the following scene of volume 5, chapter 23.

"I Wish I Had A Mirror"

I always considered this scene extremely important, because for the first time Sakura spells out clearly the inner turmoil that's been gnawing at her soul ever since this ordeal with the new Cards started.

"The truth is...I'm the worst at understanding myself. And that is probably causing lots of concern to everyone." "I wish I had a mirror. A mirror that could reflect the real me. Then, I would probably understand how to not make everyone worry"

Here, Sakura clearly spells out the frustration of knowing, feeling in her bones that there's something wrong with her, something that she's not understanding about herself, and that something is causing problems, but most importantly, is causing her loved ones to worry about her. Let's not forget that not only Syaoran, but also Yukito, Touya, Fujitaka, Tomoyo, Eriol & his family have all been watching her situation in apprehension, each of them making decisions and moving discretely in a direction they felt was right (and admittedly, not all instances were so).

Sakura can somehow feel all of that, she can feel that it's related to something she still hasn't realized about herself. This tends to be forgotten because it happens in a relatively early part of the plot, but notice how this is the same problem Kaito suffers from. A quite stunted ability to understand oneself. Sakura and Kaito definitely have lots in common, when it comes to this specific part of themselves. Keep this in mind, because it'll be relevant later.

And then, the situation worsens.

Sakura's dreams start to terrify her, because they begin to show Syaoran's face under the cloak of the mysterious figure who's scaring her in her dreams. An apparent truth she cannot accept, she won't accept, even though she's still unsure about what exactly these dreams she's having are. Despite her boyfriend has been acting shady for long time, she decides to trust him and wait for him to talk to her about all the stuff he's holding inside, instead of putting him through the wringer. This also means, though, that Sakura will keep all her fears to herself, eventually bottling up.

Furthermore, Kaito starts to rewind time to fix a situation without a way out (in chapter 28, Akiho was on the verge of going berserk completely and unleash the artifact), creating an additional sense of confusion when Sakura can feel that her finger is numb due to strain, but she can't understand why (she had fought Kaito's time magic unconsciously). Whenever Kaito will rewind time, even later on, Sakura's magical sixth sense will try to wake her consciousness up more and more, giving her these vibes of "deja vu" or making her act in an apparently inexplicable way.

In the first part of Clear Card, Sakura sometimes literally looks like a soul wandering about in confusion, dragged by the events.

I wish to point out that this is not a flaw in the characterization, it is a precise design by CLAMP. Sakura IS, in this part of the story, confused and lost, overwhelmed by the events. She has no idea how to approach this matter other than "treating the symptoms" as they come. This happens because she's still, surprisingly, quite reluctant to embrace a fundamental part of herself: her innate magic power, which expresses itself mainly through her intuition. But we'll gradually get there.

Around chapter 30, before the big realization, Sakura's situation reached a point where:

- her Sakura Cards unexpectedly became blank; - almost everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) there's a new incident that she secures into new transparent Cards; - she constantly sees ominous dreams (in scattered order) with a cloaked figure acting in a questionable way and a scary dragon, and at some point she starts seeing her boyfriend under that cloak; - her boyfriend acts shady, Eriol doesn't reply to her messages; - there's a general feeling of "something is not right" with her magic and some stuff starts to not make sense to her (because Kaito rewinds time)

It is at this point that Sakura finally moves one (giant) step forward and connects all the "puzzle pieces" she collected (particularly, how much more "obvious" the creation of a Card became) and understands that she's been the one causing subconsciously each and every single incident that lead to the creation of a new transparent Card.

"I'm Angry At Myself"

And with Syaoran finally coming clean with her (because at that point he had no reason to keep things hidden anymore, as the thing he was trying to delay ultimately happened - and believe me, I'm sure he partly felt relieved to not need to lie anymore, as that took quite a toll on him too), Sakura can at last give an explanation to at least a part of the things that are happening. And she finally realizes that the doubt that was tormenting her was true: she DID, in fact, not understand something very important about herself, she didn't realize that it was her own power going out of control and that all the incidents that happened bore "her magic signature", so to speak. She failed to "tune in" with her magic.

For the first time ever, Sakura expresses anger at herself.

She will direct that anger (to a lesser extent) to Syaoran too, but I'll tackle that in a separate post.

This is a moment of deep reflection and regrets for Sakura: the poor understanding of herself, the poor "communication" between her heart and her magic powers brought to a situation where her most beloved person was putting himself in danger in order to protect her, while trying to not make things escalate. This is a very sensitive, beautiful and important moment, steeped in conflicting and complex feelings (and remember, Sakura is just a pre-teen. It is normal for a pre-teen like her to not understand herself, but there's just one tiny detail: she's not a common pre-teen, due to her natural gift, and she needs to take that into account). Eventually Sakura calms down, and after creating Rewind, her resolute face while hugging tightly Syaoran suggests that from now on she'll face this matter from another, more courageous and determined perspective.

Or at least, these were her good intentions. Because unfortunately, insecurities are hard to eradicate and in the central part of the story it's shocking to realize how far longer Sakura will insist in shutting away her emotions and refusing to listen to her heart (and intuition) fully.

"It's Just My Imagination"

Part of Sakura's anxiety might have been sedated with the revelation that the Clear Cards are produced by the girl herself, but unfortunately the true core of her problems was not solved at all and will only surface more clearly in the next 20 chapters.

Sakura actively starts having "premonitory bad feelings" when she sees Akiho in volume 7 chapter 34, a bad feeling that she does check with Syaoran, but quickly dismisses as "well, it's just my imagination". This will basically be one of the major problems preventing her from reaching the complete control of her magic. Sakura, knowing her magic potential, should've given way more credit to her sixth sense, but her anxiety, her insecurity and her crippled connection to her innate gift still pushes her to dismiss these "signs" as nothing really important or true. Timely as hell, a few hours later something bad will indeed happen to Akiho, where she completely loses consciousness for the first time and the clan/Association actively starts to absorb Sakura's power through the artifact implanted in Akiho. All of this was caused by the high concentration of magic that "triggered" Akiho's artifact (and here I have to sarcastically "applaud" Kaito, just like Syaoran he's another one who does stuff before thinking through, ultimately worsening the problem).

Once trapped in Akiho's artifact, thanks to her power Sakura can see the most horrifying glimpse of Akiho's past, when she was turned into a magic artifact, by living it on her own skin. And even though Kaito is forced to rewind time once again to save the situation, erasing these memories from Sakura's head, her heart (which is tightly connected to her magical sixth sense - I'd daresay her heart is straight up the source of her magic) DOES REMEMBER, pushing Sakura to act in an apparently irrational way, crying and hugging Akiho tight in empathy. Sakura is particularly shaken by this feeling, still in pain even hours later, but once again she doesn't understand where it comes from. However, she does express with Syaoran an intention to talk to him about it once she's able to put it into words, and in the meantime do her best with all the rest. At least, there's an intention to understand better this part of herself, but it's still soon to see actual results.

Aaand CLAMP really seem to be wanting to test Sakura in this arc, because at this point of the plot, they add the electrocution spell. 😅 No one seems to understand who caused it (it's not Sakura, nor Kaito, but now we know it was none other than Yelan!!) and Sakura's anxiety increases once again. The fact only Syaoran gets affected by it inevitably reignites the doubts in her mind, unwittingly reminded of that terrifying dream of Cloaked Syaoran she keeps seeing...but she stubbornly keeps telling herself "no, it's not like that, it's just a dream". It's undeniable that this situation where she cannot understand her foretelling dreams yet, and the way they show her scattered hints because her power is out of control, has surely contributed to Sakura's insecurity when it comes to trust her own intuition.

Her power is so out of control at this point, that even when Kaito shrinks her and throws her in a hole carved into a tree (landing in a "world" created with magic where he hopes she'll create the right Card) her dreams take over again (it's apparent by the "shaaan" sound and how everything turns suddenly pitch black, a common background of her dreams), showing her Akiho in the dress she was wearing when she was turned into an artifact and, inevitably, Sakura's biggest fear, "Cloaked Syaoran". Pay attention because these visions she's getting here thanks to her power match what will happen later on: what the talking flowers tell her here will turn out to be the beginning of the lyrics of the main theme of the "Alice in Clockland" play. This vision of Cloaked Syaoran seemingly "about to do something" to Akiho horrifies Sakura to the point of screaming in terror and creating one of the most unsettling Cards, "Break". It is after this very scary moment that Sakura starts to wonder very specifically for what purpose she is creating all these Cards. The purpose is actually more than one, but she definitely posed herself THE RIGHT question, as this brings her one step closer to the core of the problem and eventually embracing her own magic abilities.

Then, between chapters 43 and 45 we finally start to see some changes in Sakura: surprisingly, she begins to listen more to her sixth sense, first catching Yukito red-handed while activating a newly acquired magic, and then wondering about a strange painful feeling in her chest when her father tells her that lately she and Akiho became even more similar. We were all lead to believe that this was the foreshadowing of Akiho taking her place (cause everything in the plot at this point deceivingly hints at Kaito wanting to switch them), but she actually was getting foreshadowings of the "rewritten world", where Sakura would genuinely feel wrecked to know that someone important to Akiho was missing, precisely when Akiho would've become part of her family as her twin. In fact, in chapter 45, before falling completely asleep, she hears again the ominous "you won't be able to come back" (the Association's threat to Kaito), wondering WHO wouldn't be able to come back - somehow, Sakura knows that it's not directed at her.

"Just Tell me Honestly How You Feel"

And then, we reach another moment that I consider pivotal for Sakura's growth during this Clear Card Arc. The moment when she's on the verge of breaking down and finally lets all her feelings out.

Her anxiety over the dream with the Cloaked Figure reached the highest peak, so much that she finally manifests a Card, Mirage, that challenges her precisely with that appearance. While Sakura battles that Card (which at the moment she still believes it's an actual person), she seems resoluted to get to the bottom of this story, and to pull down that hood to know the truth. You can really feel that she's so done with all this psychological torture. The fact the real Syaoran appears right at that moment and she finds out the person she saw was just a Card is partly a relief for her, but also throws Sakura again in despair because who the hell is that person in the dream, then??

Syaoran, as the good and attentive boyfriend he is, can just feel that Sakura is stressing over something, so he brings her to his home to help her calming down. And to her umpteenth attempt at sweeping her negative emotions under the carpet, beating around the bush commenting over the tea with a fake smile, he cuts immediately her bullshit and just tells her : "You don't need to force yourself. Just tell me how you feel right now". When she hears that she's allowed to speak out her emotions with honesty, Sakura wears on her face one of the most heartbreaking expressions of the entire manga. She's literally about to break down in tears of exhaustion, as you can see it above. ☝️ Listening to her, gradually, Syaoran encourages Sakura to get out all that's been torturing her lately, particularly about the dream with the Cloaked Figure. It is a very difficult moment for her, because she has to relive the dream, and expose in front of him all the fears and doubts that were trying to tamper with her trust in him. Courageously, she goes through with it, even though her denial ("it's just a dream!") is so strong that she ends up creating another Card: "Dreaming". Sakura at first seems relieved to see the Card, in the hope that everything she saw was indeed a mere messed up dream and nothing else (see? she's again self-sabotaging her relationship with her magic) but Syaoran with his frankness is quick to bring her feet on the ground: the kanji on the Card show "yumemi", and the word can also indicate a "foretelling dream".

Although Sakura seems disheartened at first, her next dream with the Cloaked Figure is much more relaxed, so much that even the dragon doesn't particularly scare her anymore: our girl's intuition makes her correctly feel a sense of loneliness in this dream, which she attributes to the hooded figure, not realizing that it was more likely coming from the dragon itself (aka, Kaito). After all, in chapter 72, Lilie will confirm that her presence ended up distracting her from the one "character" she should've paid all of her attention to. Her intuition, despite being misattributed, ended up having a positive effect through the synchronization with Akiho: the girl will wake up with the same feeling of discomfort of her friend, and as if guided by hitsuzen, she will head to the garden where she'll find a sickly Kaito staring at the moon - most likely feeling the loneliness Sakura perceived in her dream. I like to think that in this scene of chapter 48, Sakura subconsciously helped Akiho comforting Kaito, by waking her up with the unresting feeling, precisely when Kaito needed it the most. Still not completely embraced her magical sixth sense yet, but a significant improvement.

The road between chapter 48 and chapter 52 is paved with lots of struggles, as the Mirror Sakura Card gets stolen by Kaito, Sakura runs the risk of being absorbed into Akiho's artifact again, she meets Momo for the first time and she's even given a hint about Kaito's plan (or what Momo thought was his plan, as he had benignly lied to her about that), but almost all of that gets rewound and erased when Kaito intervenes. Moreover, despite not remembering anything consciously, Sakura is left with a sense of unhappiness when she looks at her home, a remnant of her brief journey in the world of Momo's book which straight up threw her into despair, showing her what her life would be if everyone forgot about her. She also finds once again a Card produced out of nowhere, "Time": I'm convinced she produced this Card because her conscience was awake while Momo and Kaito talked in stopped time, and their conversation triggered her sixth sense to produce Time as a result. Needless to say, all of this worsens her state of mind once again, which leads to the other pivotal, and finally resolutive, scene of chapter 52.

Never Avert Your Eyes From Your Heart

We finally get to what I consider THE scene, the one that will definitively shake Sakura from her deadlock, from the anxiety that stunted her connection with her innate gift and her deepest emotions. And the one who helps her overcoming all her fears is, of course, the love of her life - with a honorable mention for none other than his mother Yelan!!

Chapter 52 got a very, very special place in my heart, because it's basically one giant parallel between SyaoSaku and YunaAki. The two pairings experience similar situations, but the response from one side of each pairing is quite different. Let's remind you for a moment of the part earlier in this post when I told you that Kaito and Sakura, for most of Clear Card, surprisingly have one thing in common: they don't seem to understand themselves well enough, and both have a tendency to look away from feelings that cause unrest to their hearts - anxiety for Sakura, love for Kaito.

Syaoran, always attentive and observant towards his girlfriend, notices immediately that Sakura is suffering, as soon as he sees her at school. Despite being unable to touch her to comfort her, he offers all of himself to support and listen to her concerns. Sakura is visibly and pleasantly surprised of how the boy could read behind her mask, that usual contrived smile with which she tries to dissimulate her emotions and not make him worry. A bad habit she's consolidated lately, but that Syaoran is gently determined to dismantle. After opening up with him (and this is where Sakura differs from Kaito - by having an established relationship made of love and trust with Syaoran, Sakura lowers her walls with him), she falls once again into the usual trap of "but maybe it's just my imagination" and I love to see how Syaoran is her anchor to the ground, making her see the concreteness of this situation: he straight up tells her "you produced a Card out of it, it cannot be 'just your imagination'. " And then, like a precious family gift, he passes on to her the priceless words of wisdom of his mother Yelan, an advice that not only Sakura, but also the other "lost soul" of the other paralleling pairing should listen to:

"People with magical power should never ignore the turmoil and stirring in their hearts, the so-called 'intuition'. And it’s not limited to people with magical powers. People should never avert their eyes from the changes in their heart."

This is a turning point for Sakura. These words seem to positively "break" something inside of her, showing her the correct path to follow. CLAMP beautifully portray this process of "embracing and assimilating" the words she's just heard, by making her place her hand over her heart. I love when they do that (they used the same visual when Akiho heard Kaito's true name, and 'wrote it' on the most important page of the book of her life). Sakura is truly grateful for the words Syaoran relayed to her, precisely what she needed to get out of her impasse with her feelings and magic. She knows she can always count on the support of her soulmate even in the darkest moments, and she's thankful for having him in her life.

From this moment onwards, Sakura will experience several instances where her magical premonitory senses give her signals through the "stirring" of her heart. Contrarily to before, she starts to actively take them seriously, listening, without dismissing them as the delirium of an anxious little girl. This allows her to activate the Siege Card in the fraction of a second, successfully shielding herself from Kaito's time magic, making her the first person ever who achieved that. This also leads her to effectively remember that she saw Kaito using magic, even when time was rewound by him, and contact immediately Syaoran to talk about it, planning how to move from that moment onwards. A little relapse on her bad habit is immediately dispelled by Syaoran, and our girl even goes as far as saying "there's something inside Akiho", even though she's not sure exactly why she's feeling that way. But it's an intuition she's having and she decides to not dismiss it anymore, with everyone trusting and supporting her in that direction. By listening more and better to what her heart tells her, Sakura also decides to not confront Akiho about Kaito and his magic, because she's well aware of the feelings Akiho got for Kaito and she doesn't want to potentially disrupt their relationship. So, she decides to wait for her friend to talk about it first.

Thanks to this better understanding of her own intuition, she also says in chapter 57 that she wants to meet the guardian of the book "Alice in Clockland" once more, despite not remembering if and when she's met her before. This also ultimately leads her to accept the role of Alice in the upcoming play scripted by her friend Naoko, because her sixth sense tells her that it's inevitable for her to do so. It's important to emphasize how the other characters support and encourage her to listen to her innate gift, at this point, without trampling over her self-determination like they did before.

It is a moment of big growth and character development for everyone.

The Ultimate Growth: Finding a Meaning and a Purpose

What happens afterwards is history: the fateful "Alice in Clockland" play unfolds, and Kaito completes his plan to push Sakura to create the Card he needs, exchanging his magic artifact (the watch) with Akiho's one (the book), in addition to activating the forbidden magic to rewrite the memories of everyone, to fit Akiho as part of Sakura's family.

Sakura's intuition will be crucial to wake her true self up while in Clockland, succeeding in beating Kaito's magic multiple times, till Syaoran comes in and gives the "final blow", cutting off the spell definitively.

And even when everything seems lost because Kaito successfully activated the fobidden magic, changing their memories and erasing himself from their existence, Sakura's magic and sixth sense keep making her say things she either already said or heard before in the "unrewritten world". Not only that, but even after meeting Lilie in a dream and forgetting her face (due to the strong influence of the forbidden spell), bit and pieces of that conversation keep coming back to her, and she listens dutifully to every single one of these "feelings". Kaito might have overridden part of their memories (only the ones concerning him, Akiho and the events connected to the creation of the Cards), but the experience, feelings and personal growth of each character were left untouched, that's why the chemistry between Sakura and Syaoran is the same as before the play started, but also Sakura's personal relationship with her magic is far better than before (an information that might have seemed random and unimportant is that now Sakura summons Mirror even just to chat, an indication of her completely changed perspective on her magic).

Now that Sakura finally embraced her magical power, all that's left for her is to find a true purpose for it.

A question echoes in my mind, "What am I creating these Cards for?". Sakura poses herself this question halfway through the story, and she finds the answer to it precisely at the end of the journey.

Her powerful magic intuition, combined with her immense empathy, leads her to realize that somebody is missing from their reality, and that person is the one Akiho loves. At this point Sakura is unstoppable: she wants to listen to the voice in her heart that's screaming "Go and help them!! Give the true happiness back to Akiho!", and everyone can only follow her lead as she assertively puts into practice what her heart is telling her to do.

Sakura in this final part of the story shines brighter than ever. She's more assertive and self-confident than ever. All of this is because there's something she strongly wants to do with her innate gift, as Eriol unequivocally says in chapter 75: her power grows exponentially again, but this time it's not out of her control - it is Sakura herself who's voluntarily boosting it, thanks to her strong wish. And that allows her to control it and use it exactly as she wants.

In chapter 79 her growth reaches the highest peak, by handling the resolution of Akiho and Kaito's personal problems in an admirable way (she steps aside for a moment to give Akiho all the agency she needed), but also finding herself in front of an uncomfortable dilemma, which leads her to an unavoidable reality: Sakura quickly understands that she cannot be on everyone's side and there are lines to be drawn at some point. She can't be a pure and oblivious girl forever. She needs to grow up. There are choices to be made, especially when dealing with real evil people.

And Sakura choses to go on with the people she loves, even if that means she has to "stain" her "moral record" a little bit.

Empowered by this strong wish to fix the situation, she literally gives life to a miracle, protecting her dear friend and her beloved from the grasp of their abusers, simultanously giving everyone their true memories back. The effort exerts her greatly, but what she achieved is by far the most important thing she's ever done with her magic power till now: she helped two dear people lost in a life-and-death situation. Her magical growth went along with her personal, mental one.

This is also the reason why the accusations of "the other magicians should've trained her" end up being in vain: Sakura's problem with her powers was mainly on a personal level, not on a technical one. This was a journey she had to mainly walk by herself, finding the right balance and confidence in her abilities, deep down in her heart.

No one could've done that for her.

Merely training the practical aspect of it would've just worsened the situation, because Sakura wouldn't have been truly "in it" with her heart and mind. She needed to go through this process of growth, before reaching this stage of self-awareness in relation to her magic powers. I truly feel this is the reason why CLAMP made certain choices inside this story. Again, as I always say, a good part of Cardcaptor Sakura does revolve around magic, but the main focus and linchpin of this story is and always will be the main character's heart, her growth and the interpersonal relationships with her loved ones.

This makes Clear Card Arc, in my opinion, a worthy sequel and a full-fledged part of the Cardcaptor Sakura series. I think those who decide to skip it or read it with a superficial approach miss a journey of tremendous growth for our beloved protagonist.

So much for those who kept saying "This is not Sakura's story".

How can all that ☝️ NOT be Sakura's story?

I'll let you judge. 😊

Extra: The Significance of the Clear Cards

I want to digress for a moment about a thorny topic: the significance of the Clear Cards in this story.

Sakura isn't always completely passive towards the events happening around her, but wonders several times during the story why all those Cards are manifesting like that. While the first and easiest answer is of course "because her powers are going out of control" (and this is something Momo herself questions Sakura about in chapter 50), it becomes apparent at some point that the more the story goes on, the more the Cards that are created by her are particularly relevant and connected to the events that will happen in the final part of the story.

I know this is a sore spot for many who complain about not understanding the purpose of the Clear cards. It's because people tend to compare this set of Cards with the ones Sakura captured previously. That's not the right way to look at them, because their origin and purpose are different and change throughout the story. Forget about the Sakura Cards, even though so many of these "Clear Cards" (which are never called so, not even once, in the story itself, but just "new cards" or "transparent cards") might look so similar in purpose to the previous ones.

First of all, the Clear Cards are an outlet for Sakura to vent in a healthy way her power in excess. Power that if kept inside, untapped and confined in her body, might have unpredictable harmful effects on her (<- probably the grief Yelan foresaw). God bless the Clear Cards for existing and allowing Sakura to vent out these bouts of uncontrolled power in a relatively safe way.

The Cards that Sakura produces in the beginning are sometimes reminiscing of the Sakura Cards, because her power manifests itself basing on Sakura's experiences, feelings, thoughts and wishes. The Sakura Cards are an important part of her life (before Syaoran took them, she literally acted like their "mom", keeping them alive with her power) so it's only normal that the first base for some of these new Cards would be a magic tool that she already knows. In this sense, it becomes easier to understand why many of the "captures" seem so easy, way too easy compared to what a reader would expect from a sequel: the goal of the capture here isn't to make her power and experience in capturing cards grow. She already had 2 arcs to do all of that. The capture of the Cards in this third arc becomes something new and unexpected: a "damage control" of a regrettable situation with Sakura's powers, while she learns to dominate them and enter into harmony with her supernatural abilities. The growth Sakura needs here is mainly a mental one. Performing her magical power aimlessly without having a true connection with it and a true understanding will only exacerbate the problem. This is the reason why, despite having a "capture" element, Clear Card derails from the previous arcs in the purpose of the capture. It's a pity that an element that should've brought freshness to the plot was in many cases received as an actual flaw.

In the beginning, as Sakura's power is completely out of her control, some Cards might look completely random too - they don't look based on Cards, thoughts or wishes (like Appear, Reflect, Action, etc.). But pay attention, because the more the story goes on, the more the Cards begin to become particularly specific to something that shook Sakura's heart in that moment, or referencing events/feelings that will become pivotal to the events Sakura will experience later. Especially regarding Kaito's plan. Many of the later Cards Sakura produces are a direct reflection of the feelings and wishes that Kaito infused in the activation of the forbidden magic, with the creation of "the story for Akiho", the one he wanted to absolutely have a happy ending for. Cards like Repair, Promise, Choice, Kindness, True and False, Synchronization, Rewind....many of them didn't even get to express their magical abilities in a "conventional way" (everyone expected to see Sakura literally activating them like she does with all the others), but it's just because at that point the Cards Sakura is producing are born following her premonitory intuition: thanks to the hints/speeches that those Cards give her in Clockland, Sakura little by little regains consciousness of her true self (it's a pity that many English readers will never realize all the times Sakura was about to "wake up" in Clockland, because the translation didn't respect the change in fonts of the JP text). Sakura wasn't supposed to "use" them in a conventional way (how do you "use" Kindness? You force people to be "kind"? 🤨 and what about Choice??), she was supposed to listen to them and let them guide her towards the truth. This is also the reason why all of these Cards bear the face of her loved ones. Think of them as tarots. Which is, incidentally, another use of the original Clow/Sakura Cards. I am basically sure of this interpretation because the kanji of some of those Cards I mentioned above are brought up during the climax: particularly when Akiho talks to Kaito in chapter 78, she uses two specific verbs, referring to Kindness (慈愛 - a kind of gentle and tender love) when she describes the love and support her family gives her in this rewritten world, and to Choice (選択) when she questions Kaito about his choice to disappear completely from her life. So to summarize, the last Cards Sakura produced "accidentally" weren't accidental at all, but were actually specifically produced by her power in reference to Kaito's plan, to help her finding the way out to a dire situation. This represents a very important indicator in the plot: at that stage of the story, Sakura started to listen more and more to her intuition and her sixth sense, finally quitting her bad habit of downplaying it ("maybe it's just me") but actually giving it credit and taking it seriously, trusting her instinct to lead her in the right direction. And this was, of course, all thanks to the speech Syaoran gave her back in chapter 52. It is also the case of the Rewind Card, which Sakura will ultimately understand the purpose of on her own, at the very end of the series. That's the moment where everything will become clear and make sense to her: "This Card, too...I created it precisely for this moment". The Clear Cards ultimately became the embodiment of her foretelling powers. Which then led to the birth of the first two consciously created Cards, Blank & Remind, which will become so important in the climax.

If we ever get a new arc in the next years, we'll certainly deal with a more mature Sakura, who's more in sync with her magical powers 🩷.

#card captor sakura #cardcaptor sakura #clear card arc #ccsakura #sakura card captor #clamp #sakura kinomoto #syaosaku #clear card trivia #I hope this post will make you look at Clear Card from another perspective #I'm sorry for the length but I really wanted to make a deep dive

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caligvlasaqvarivm · 1 month ago

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I really love how you draw Karkat and Calliope. You've already talked about how the other relationships within the POABPCL, so I was wondering if you could talk about Callikar in more depth as well.

Heehee okay so the short reasoning is that first of all, Karkat is also highly reminiscent of Caliborn, so there's Calliope's natural attraction there. But also Calliope desperately wants to experience a flushed romance, and Karkat is a crazy person who can't keep his quadrants straight. Which, for Calliope, would actually be a plus instead of a minus????

But yeah, for the Caliborn similarities, apart from the grey text and (mostly) capital letters and general cantankerousness and candy red blood and random textual callbacks to shit Karkat says:

CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION. [...] uu: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS. IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH. uu: LIKE I'M FLAILING A WITHERED MUMMY'S SEVERED LIMB IN YOUR DIRECTION.

CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD. CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE. [...] uu: AND THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT CLuE YOu INTO YOuR FATE ALL THE TIME. uu: DuE TO MY AGGRAVATED APATHY OVER THE MATTER. uu: IS AN IMMuTABLE FACT. I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD. uu: IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GIVING A SHIT IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.

Did you know they both weirdly have a thing for right angles?

DAVE: i dont want to see your lines making any right angles do you understand KARKAT: IN MY MIND'S EYE I AM PICTURING A BEAUTIFUL LATTICE OF LINES AND COMPARTMENTS, INTERLOCKING WITH SUBLIME PRECISION AT NINETY DEGREE ANGLES. KARKAT: I IMAGINE THIS MODULAR RETICULATION AS AN ELEGANT VESSEL, IF YOU WILL, FOR THE GRAND SYNTHESIS OF OUR SHARED SHIPPING DREAMS.

So yeah, you know, they've got some similarities! Enough to fuel some initial cherubic romantic interest, I feel.

But obviously, cherubic romance is primarily - if not exclusively - pitch. Calliope expresses this in a way that makes it very much sound like it's a setup that her happy ending does, in fact, involve her finding a matesprit.

UU: thoUgh i trUly wish i were capable of those feelings. UU: perhaps the fact that i am not is why the topic fascinates me so. UU: and why i have been prone do indUlge in sUch... UU: fancifUl visUalizations. UU: of yoUr people's lovely bright red relationships. UU: they mUst be nice. u_u

Personally, I think that cherubs "can't experience redrom" the way humans "can't experience blackrom". In that, y'know. ;)

But let's move from Calliope's side from a moment and talk about Karkat. Hey, do y'all remember how he had a crush on a different Space player? (The fact that Karkat actually totally had a crush on Jade, and continued to think incredibly fondly of her for years after the fact, to the point of using one of her passwords as the password to his dream hive, gets lost in the melange of ~yaoi~ is honestly one of the reasons I'm not a fan of DaveKat).

CCG: I'M GOING TO VOMIT. CCG: I'M MAKING A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSELF THREE HOURS FROM NOW, FOR BEING ENOUGH OF A SAP TO START DEVELOPING RED FEELINGS FOR A DUMB ANNOYING HUMAN, IF I'M READING BETWEEN THE LINES CORRECTLY. FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! I REMEMBERED MY LAME NOTE TO MYSELF FROM THREE HOURS AGO, AND THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICALLY TO MOCK YOU. FCG: IT STINGS TOO, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN A WHILE. AND THEN THE GHOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY.

Hussie's commentary on this is also fucking hilarious, by the way:

First, by defending Jade like this, Future Karkat is virtually making the case to his own past self to give her a chance, and to try to acknowledge that his aggression toward her is masking romantic attraction. If that wasn't nuts enough, the altercation doubles as an actual confession of this to Jade, which she now has to bear in mind as she goes forward befriending this guy. Like most other shouting matches Karkat has with himself, it's a complete free-for-all of self-owns and eyebrow-raising psychological revelations. And yet, in the totality of this clusterfuck, it's probably about as sufficient as anything else he could have done to get her to start giving the friendship a chance. How do you sidle out of something like this? You don't. This miserable basket case needs all the help he can get.

But this is another example of Karkat's horrible problem with mixing his quadrants and sending out all sorts of mixed signals, which he lambastes himself for later RE: Terezi.

FCG: IS IT?? TELL ME, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TREATED HER IN A WAY THAT COULD BE OBJECTIVELY CONSTRUED AS A FORM OF BLACK SOLICITATION? CCG: THAT'S JUST CCG: NO, THAT'S HOW WE'VE ALWAYS ROLLED TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE CCG: SPIRITED PLATONIC CONTENTION. CCG: TOTALLY NORMAL TERRITORY IN A HEALTHY MATESPRITSHIP. FCG: YEAH, A *HEALTHY* ONE, NOT ONE INVOLVING A DEMENTED LOUDMOUTH WHO CAN'T KEEP HIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL. FCG: LET ME ASK YOU, HOW MUCH OF THAT ANIMOSITY IS INNOCENT "PLATONIC RAGE"? FCG: COULD IT BE THAT SUBCONSCIOUSLY YOU WANT TO PUSH THINGS WITH HER ONTO CALIGINOUS TURF, MAYBE SEE HOW THINGS WORK OUT THERE? FCG: SEE IF YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GRUB, AND CULL IT TOO?? FCG: THAT WAY YOU HAVE HER ALL TO YOURSELF!

And even his "confession" to jade has shades of this, as he basically forced her to auspicetize between himself and... himself. Just a really messy guy who can't keep his quadrants straight. I've already talked before about how this would be completely fine for Eridan, who is literally too bad at social shit to notice and is just happy for the attention, but... doesn't that seem like it would work for Calliope, whose fundamental attraction model is based in pitch?

And to really get into this, we should also talk about Karkat's taste in movies. The three posters he has hanging up in his room are for Serendipity, Hitch, and 50 First Dates. Between the three of them, it becomes really clear that Karkat is really into the idea of soul mates - of finding a romantic partner that just kind of perfectly clicks with you and all your idiosyncracies, with whom the romance is natural, and brings out the best in both partners.

Serendipity most obviously, as the entire movie is practically a treatise on destiny and fate (and also, if you're only going to watch one, watch this one - it gets namedropped twice in the comic and I genuinely think HS draws like 30% of its DNA from it). Hitch's A-plot couple is widely considered the worse one, but the B-plot couple turn out to be perfect for each other - all the guy's lame, embarrassing aspects just happen to be what she finds adorable, and he just needed a courage boost and chance to be noticed by her. And 50 First Dates features a guy in Hawaii who loves taking visiting tourists on whirlwind romances, but is terrified of commitment, meeting a girl who can't make new memories - functionally rendering every date their first from her perspective - and it's really sweet. It doesn't even make you want to punch Adam Sandler at all. Like, not even a little bit.

In any case, what this says to me is that, while he still needs to undergo character development to be ready for it, the romance Karkat should eventually end up with is one where he doesn't have to compromise who he is, warts and all.

A lot of Karkat's more common fandom pairings tend to downplay, or even outright forget about, how genuinely uncomfortable it is to experience Karkat's nutso vascillation. Even if the edge is taken off via moirallegiance, Karkat is still the sort of messy guy who tells his flushed crush to "set the table on [his] bulge for their candle light hate date." Jade clearly isn't a fan of being treated rudely, while Terezi eventually gets driven off by the mixed signals he puts off... but what if there was a species who primarily experiences pitch attraction, who would find Karkat's frequent dips into black-coded flirtation hot?

And also... Karkat is obviously Calliope's favorite character troll...I mean, she's got his symbol as her cufflinks. And also:

CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH. AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY???????? CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.

And:

UU: actUally, i have written hUndreds of pages examining the striking differences between hUman and troll romance, as well as reprodUctive habits, as the comparison makes for a marveloUs case stUdy in xenobiocUltUral differences. UU: as long as i am sharing specUlation with yoU, perhaps yoU woUld like to read my essays? UU: i coUld even paste each page right here in sUccession, and allow yoU to read them back to back to back to back to back to back! ^u^ TT: Oh hell no. UU: ah. UU: yes, yoU're right of coUrse. i'm probably getting carried away as UsUal. UU: forgive my enthUsiasm, it's jUst that i so rarely have anyone to talk to who shares my passion for these matters.

They could both be SO ANNOYING about quadrants and romance together. It would be beautiful.

#homestuck #karkat vantas #calliope #calliope homestuck #callikat #and i personally think that it's like #pretty poignant for both karkat and eridan #the two most romantically hopeless trolls #but karkat especially as the trolls' leader and The Romance Troll #to not have his concupiscents filled until he gets to the new session #like just from a meta perspective there's this weird satisfaction to the idea that #paradox space had their perfect matches waiting for them this whole time #but they needed to cross two universes to reach them #that there was this grand and cosmic plan to bring them all happiness and love at the end of their grand voyage #which is a Very Serendipity thing to do #oh yeah also standard disclaimer #i dont care what you ship and im not interested in making anyone else ship this #be free be wild death of the author etc. etc.#this is just my own subjective opinion and it's literally not that serious

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typosandtea · 6 months ago

Text

Vertibirds. 🚁⚙️🗡️🪽

So every wastelander and his dog know that the fallout 4 vertibirds crash more than settlements need help. But why is that? Here's my 2 caps on the matter. (Or: Bethesda doesn't understand aviation very well I think)

( So uh this is way longer than I expected, I was possessed🚁☢️:] )

TLDR: Horrific conditions for aviation, the difficulties of wasteland heavy maintenance, inexperienced pilots AND mechanics, and the WORST damn instrument layout I’ve ever seen

The Vertibird is designed as a fictional tilt rotor VTOL/STOL(Vertical/Short Take Off and Landing) aircraft which makes a ton of sense in the wasteland where suitable runways are rarer than hens teeth. One of Bethesda's primary visual design influences for the vertibird I suspect is the bell boeing v-22 Osprey.

This funky creature \/

This photo is from the Wikipedia page >Here< [ID: a photo of a v22 osprey aircraft in flight as seen from below and to the right, the aircraft is a medium tilt rotor aircraft with very large propellers, the aircraft is current in vertical take off or landing with the engines pointed straight up. The landing gear is extended, the aircraft is painted in air-force grey with the faint decal “marines” and the American army star on horizontal stripes and the squadron and registration barley visible on the empennage. The cargo and forward doors are open and a soldier is hanging out the front. End ID]

Now the Osprey has a bit of a reputation among people I’ve met who’ve flown in them, I've personally been told things like "if it's not leaking hydraulic fluid, that means you're out of fluid" and "its terrifying to fly in".

My screenshot. [ID: A screenshot of a fallout 4 vertibird, seen from front left in flight over bushland. the Player is manning the minigun and Paladin Danse is a Passenger. End ID]

Looking at the Vertibirds themselves we can make a few assumptions here.

The shape of the cowling and the noise they make indicates that the engines are some form of turboprop engine, likely requiring liquid fuel akin to Avtur(Aviation turbine fuel). Confirmed by the Instruments visible in the cockpit.

The most weight efficient way to move big parts is hydraulics so, they likely have complex hydraulic systems for wing positioning / AOA(Angle Of Attack) / engine angle. Likely also for landing gear since they have retractable gear in fallout 4.

That the BoS has modified them from the original design at least partially, allowing attachment to the Prydwen, likely other modifications too.

I strongly suspect that they have an APU(Auxiliary Power Unit) in the aft fuselage / empennage somewhere, since they have a massive air intake scoop on the top fuselage, they can self start their primary engines which either requires a ridiculous amount of electricity / amps or a source of bleed air. Bleed air is the most likely candidate for self start and is reasonably common on real turbine aircraft, APUs also allows for ground power without having primary engines running. Also confirmed by the instruments in the cockpit.

All of these points are well and good and common in aviation, even modifications (ie. STOL kits, survey aircraft, agricultural mods, skiis, ect). But modern aviation has some advantages that the BoS doesn't have: access to new off the shelf parts, proper verified documentation, proper test processes & facilities, and experienced personnel.

Don't get me wrong, I think Proctor Ingram is awesome, very knowledgeable and practically a miracle worker (especially with that one terminal entry about an engine failure field recovery she pulls off!!), but one chief engineer cannot maintain an entire fleet AND the Prydwen, she comments on how things are breaking often on the ship that she is very busy! Training of new engineers takes *years* to even get to basic level! Ingram can’t train anyone she is too busy keeping everyone in the air 24/7! So who is training all of these scribes? There must be a huge amount of time teaching and supervising even simple tasks! Even at their best the BoS wouldn’t be able to hope to be near the prewar standards of training! Even Ingram or other senior scribes would not be thaaaaat experienced, 10 years is not a long time to completely learn a new aircraft and implement systems & processes of maintenance. The point here is that there are inexperienced scribes maintaining these aircraft.

WOLRDS BEST CHEIF ENGINEER ❤️ \/

My Screenshot. [ID: A screenshot of proctor Ingram from fallout 4, she is standing in the Liberty prime control area. She is smiling. She is wearing her usual modified power armour frame. Preston is visible in the background with a clipboard and pen, he is wearing woody’s outfit from toy story. End ID]

Heavy maintenance in the wasteland, especially in an active combat zone would be an absolute nightmare, are the poor scribes doing overhauls on the flight deck?? Not really possible, so the BoS must have a ground facility at the airport somewhere. Also side note where is the rest of Boston airport? There is more to an airport than a terminal and 1 runway, where are all the hangars?? Likely underwater but still, no ruins??

Back to maintenance, aircraft need a huge amount of care, way way way more than cars do. light civilian aircraft IRL need a full inspection every 100 hours of flight time, which adds up incredibly quickly! For example if you have a one hour commute twice a day that’s MR(Maintenance Release) hours reached in 50 days! You legally cannot fly out of hours. And a service for small aircraft takes about 3 personnel / 2 days and that’s without any major repairs or ADs (Airworthiness Directives) to address! $$$$! Aircraft operating in adverse conditions also need additional maintenance, and coastal areas like Boston, are considered adverse conditions since the salt air corrodes aluminum and steel like nothing else! Corrosion untreated will damage your aircraft and if left too long can destroy the structural integrity of aluminum parts. The spars of aircraft are aluminum often!

My photo. [ID: The inside of a Cessna 172 wing trailing edge is shown looking inboard at the aft root rib, which is primer green, it is backlit by torchlight, the fuselage and a orange scat hose are visible behind it, it has 3 irregular shaped holes in it, 2 are by design but the third medium sized hole in the center of the image is eaten away by corrosion. End ID]

Vertibirds, between being shot at constantly and having a complex deign with a lot of precision moving parts will need a lot of repairs; moving parts means lots of upkeep, grease and inspections! The BoS by 2287 must have some sort of manufacturing back in capital, they cannot still be using old parts from the enclave after 10 years of maintenance, that’s a lot of grease, paint and hydraulic fluid!!!

The BoS must also have a refinery of some kind because Avtur is a refined fuel with some important additives like biocide. Manufacture and storage of fuel is very important since fuel contamination will bring down an aircraft! (and has multiple times IRL! :[ ). Water, microbes, and algae are real dangers to engines, with free water being the most common. Poorly sealed tanks or improper fuel storage combined with a incomplete or missed pre-flight inspection can lead to fuel starvation, since water is heavier than fuel and tank outlets are at the bottom of the tank. If you loose an engine on a twin, may God help you.

This image is from Concordia Bioscience >Here< [ID: A photo of a sample of pale yellow Jet fuel in a clear container, the sample is contaminated with water and microbes and has separated into layers with water at the bottom, then microorganisms, and then Fuel at the top, the image is labeled as such. End ID]

Getting to the most likely crash reasons now (finally), In my opinion that is inexperienced pilots and; a horrific instrument layout.

While there must be some lancers in the BoS that have been flying for the whole 10 years that they’ve had Vertibirds, I think that is likely the exception not the rule, even if they crashed a fraction of the time that do in game that’s still A LOT of downed aircraft!

Experience is only gained in practice, and unfortunately for the BoS they are (self-declared) at war so resources are thin and safe zones are thinner. I suspect that there are a lot of very inexperienced pilots without the time for the experienced pilots to really teach.

Linking to my final point, experience on an airframe itself is also important, you want to be familiar with your aircraft, even among a group of the same model aircraft they will each have quirks, like slightly different instrument layouts, slightly different handling/feel i.e. "this one flies heavier / slower" (at least that's my experience with smaller civilian aircraft) I imagine that the apocalypse did nothing for improving manufacturing tolerances!

FINAL AND MOST DAMNING POINT:

Experience can only help lancers so much when veritibirds have such a strange instrument panel layout:

My screenshot. [ID: a screenshot of a instrument panel from a Fallout 4 vertibird. it is slanted on a approximately 30 degree angle. End ID]

A bit weird looking yeah? For reference Pilot is left seat and copilot is always right seat, this applies globally even in right hand drive countries.

lets take a closer look:

My Screenshots. [IDs: Three screenshots of the same Instrument panel as above, but zoomed in using a sniper rifle scope to get a better look. The first screen shot is the pilots side, the second the center, and the third the copilots side. End ID]

All righty! So reading from top to bottom, then left to right we have:

On the pilots side: A Rotor%RPM gauge, a VOR(Very high frequency Omni-directional Range) indicator, a DG(Directional Gyro), a HSI(Horizontal Situation Indicator), and then a huge AI(Attitude Indicator),

In the center section we have: presumably light clusters (likely master warnings & cautions, gear indicators, and other status lights), a second VOR gauge, likely magnetic compass as they are usually top centre (though I can’t see it being at all accurate with all of the steel around!), the engine instruments cluster, and the APU status / control panel at the bottom. unsure of what the 3 clusters of horizontal buttons are suppose to be other than input of some kind?

In the Engine cluster: Torque%, XMSN(transmission) oil temp / pressure dual gauge, a gas producer % RPM gauge with small integrated single percent dial (like having a seconds dial on your watch for accuracy) meaning the engines have free turbines (compressor not attached to the power turbine), a dual load / fuel psi gauge, a dual engine oil pressure and temperature gauge, fuel quantity in pounds, a turbine output temperature gauge (the hottest part of your engine), and a clock.

On the copilots side: a second Rotor%RPM dual gauge, a third VOR indicator, Airspeed in Knots and MPH, a RMI(Radio Magnetic Indicator) which uses VOR and ADF(Automatic Direction Finder) on compass, a second DG, a second HSI, and a teeny tiny altimeter right in the outboard corner.

the 4 instruments on the lower copilots panel are completely unlabeled

some things of note that are from game limitations:

most of the engine instruments don't have needles at all

the DGs and the RMI use the same background asset, resulting in the DG wrongly having 'VOR' and 'ASI' on its face, DGs are self contained air driven instruments that work on gyroscopic precession, not any outside data input.

all of the instruments with a compass face all say north despite this vertibird not quite facing north.

the AI is showing wings level despite this vertibird being crashed and on a ~30 degree angle

there are not engine controls at all not even flat assets, only flight controls.

There are a lot of instruments here and most of them are reasonably OK read individually, BUT there at least 1 key instrument missing and the layout outs emphasis on completely the wrong things:

WHERE IS THE VERTICAL SPEED INDICATOR(VSI)????? That's a pretty important gauge in a VERTICAL take off / landing aircraft!!!!!!!!!! It's one of the basic six pack!!! how was it omitted??? Speaking of the six pack why is there only one ASI and Altimeter?? and why are they tiny and ON THE COPILOTS SIDE ONLY???? the altimeter is LITERALLY the furthest instrument from the pilot in a vertibird, it should be right in front of the pilot!!! the easy to miss altimeter would make IFR(Instrument Flight Rules) flying incredibly dangerous! Also why are there four VOR based navigational instruments? VOR IS GROUND BASED NAVIGATION!!! unless the BoS has rebooted the multiple ground beacons for them to navigate from that's THREE dead instruments taking up space on the panel! the RMI is slightly more useful as ADF can tune to commercial radio frequencies, though these would need to be strong!

These poor inexperienced lancers are having to look all over the whole unnecessarily crowded cockpit for basic information that should be right in front of them, causing reaction delays and possible confusion. That delay could be the difference between whether or not they are flying home today.

-> Bethesda doesn't understand what half the instruments do and while they did a good job with most of the assets, in their quest to make it retro-future / visibly different from actual aircraft, they have completely destroyed any use of logic in the layout.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! Here’s a video of me yeeting Danse with the ‘Get out of my face mod’ as compensation haha

My Video. [ID: a video capture from fallout 4 in first person. It is night and is at oberland station facing the water treatment plant. The player is wearing power armour and the HUD is visible. The player is very close to Paladin Danse, he turns away from them and they shove him with the voice line “stay out of my way”. Danse flys a long way away while rag-dolling. The Gamer’s laughter can be heard while Danse is flying. The player follows Danse’s fall with the crosshairs. The player then walks backwards. End ID]

#they look cool and faster than a chopper that’s for sure #big disclaimer: I am not American or military I haven't seen a Osprey up close. and all of my experience is light fixedwings #If you know more about Ospreys or I've made other mistakes please correct me !!#oh yeah real brain rot days #been thinking about this for a long while #this catastrophe of a train of though was kicked off a when I decided to zoom in on the dash a vertibird out of curiosity and discover that #they have actual gauges that corresponding to real ones. just in the worst layout I’ve ever seen it’s so counterintuitive #Typos’ tea time #fallout 4 #fo4 #bos #brotherhood of steel #vertibird #fictional aviation

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takami-takami · 1 year ago

Text

Mean To Me.

kinktober day 3: exhibitionism

includes— hawks x reader. minors dni. smut.

warnings— afab!reader. fem titles and clothing. subby hawks. brat taming. mistress title. edging. bullying, so mean to him. masturbation. masochism. light dacryphilia.

Hawks is a slut for doms, you heard it here first!

Even through his misbehavior, there is a written pattern in his actions that you’ve come to observe: Keigo is quite well-trained.

One word of your command, and he'll reduce himself to groping his own chest for your entertainment. He'll throw his head back at the pinpricks of pleasure that plague every inch, scorching his skin with an unbearable ache as he pinches and prods under your dutiful eye.

Some questions remain unanswered, however. For instance, it would be impossible to answer whether the whine in his voice comes from the way he's teasing the sensitive, reddened peaks, or from how his blood boils at the thought of being watched by you.

Perpetual surveillance makes for a well-behaved boy; and every move of his is monitored by you across the room, scantily clad in his favorite black lingerie set and lounging across the loveseat parallel to his bed.

"I need it," Keigo rasps, squirming against the sheets. Thick, lubed digits squelch with each movement as the poor thing attempts to fingerfuck himself with even a fraction of the prowess of your poisonous touch.

To your delight, the recreation is quite sad, actually. It makes for a delicious little struggle.

"Please. Need it so fucking bad—"

"Language," you correct, letting one leg sway lazily over an armrest.

"That's not even a rule," he wails, throwing his head back with the beginnings of a tantrum.

"It is now," you say, sauntering over just to twirl a strand of hair in spirals around your fingertip. It's almost pathetic how easily he arches into your touch when you look down on him like this, admiring up close his fucked-out pout and hazy eyes.

"And lose the attitude." You fist the roots, yanking it straight back to force him to look you in the eye.

"Sorry," he squeaks.

"You do like it when I bully you, don't you," you ask. Though you both know it hardly counts as a question, such humiliating inquiries reinforce a power dynamic, a reversal of the roles evident with every ounce of filth that pours from your lips to trickle down his spine.

"You're so mean to me," Keigo whines, a hitched whimper swallowed before the sound can mingle with the tension that crackles thick in the air.

It's a compliment as much as it is a complaint.

That same hand that played with his chest releases it suddenly, darting down between those trembling thighs to grip the heat between. It would be a crime to listen to that merciless lilt in your prosody— all venom, matriarchy, and lust— without touching himself to the sound of it.

It's simply an indulgence of his voice kink, nothing more.

Keigo squeezes himself, speeding up his grip on his dick every uptick while he holds your gaze, mouth agape. With his neck still strained, those puppydog eyes remain trained reservedly on yours.

He can't help but touch himself when you look down on him like this. It's not his fault, he thinks, that his hand begs to crawl down every time you speak; because all he can visualize with his last remnants of a thought is you, hissing those same words as you bounce atop his lap.

Him, bound and perhaps gagged to be used like a toy. You, entirely free to do whatever the fuck you want to him.

"But I do. I love it. It's so hot," he says over the slick sounds between his thighs. "Fuck, baby. It's so hot."

"Of course you like it. Fuckin' masochist," you spit, and Keigo swears his blood sings.

Satisfied with his predictable decision to trade dignity for obedience yet again, you release your grip on his roots and allow his head to fall forward with a whimper once more. A jingle rings in your ears, the clicked collar around his neck clinking with the movement.

Head hanging, chest heaving, and cock swollen; tip swelling a blushing, scarlet red with pre leaking from the slit at each agonizing edge he endures— this is the man Keigo has begged to be reduced to.

Through the strands of hair that dust over his eyes, one golden eye peeks open and watches your heels clack leisurely against the floor on your way back to your seat.

"Aww, you want it that bad? You're not above begging for my strap, are you?"

You plop down once more against your throne, crossing your legs and beginning to tap a single nail against the armrest.

It's a contemplative action and it sends trembling waves of fearful arousal through each singing nerve in Keigo's body, down his twitching cock and heaving core. It taps unbearably loud over his open, agonized sobs of agreement; like he genuinely believes he'll get a little bit of pussy if he acts pathetic enough.

How ironic. That only makes him more pathetic in your eyes.

"Mm… Yeah, baby. 'M not. Please give it to me." He blinks back the tears, looking up at you with the most pitiful eyes as he can manage. Mercy is a treat earned, after all, and his hopes all happily rise to his throat in the form of a trill when he sees your pleased squint of approval.

Shifting, he squirms in anticipation. The next chapter of this little game is imminent, and he must mentally prepare for the sweet release he is certain will be awarded to him.

In his mind's eye, Keigo sees himself clearly, caged beneath your thighs. He feels the phantom squeeze around his cock, milking and wringing the flesh of it with each stroke as you take him. Letting his eyes flutter closed, he can taste the heat of your insides, can feel the licks of desire like whips along his body as he waits patiently to empty his balls. They'll be painfully swollen from the strokes against his prostate you will treat him to beforehand— inevitably, just like you always do.

Keigo lets loose a sigh of contentment, shifting his hips as he waits for his reward.

You can hardly hold back a laugh when the idea occurs to you.

"Ruin it for me."

"What?" His voice cracks.

"You heard me. I know you're not that dumb, sweets," you deadpan, ignoring the adorably perplexed furrow that begins to line his brow.

His lips are parted, opening and shutting in disbelief. You almost want to gag them open wider.

The reality of your words hasn't settled in quite yet, hasn't demolished the poor thing's hopes and dreams thoroughly enough for your liking.

"Even a fucked out little mind like yours can comprehend, oh," you count on your fingers for effect, his blown pupils following each movement. "Four measly little words. I'll say it again though, because it's fun to watch the way you cry about it: ruin it for me."

"B-Baby, wait," he panics, blood draining from his face and surging downstream. When speaking with his hands to display any last shreds of authority, Keigo only succeeds in showcasing the way they tremble to your gleeful eyes.

"Wait, w-wait," he begins to bargain. "We can talk about this, you don't gotta—"

"Nope," you refuse. One glance at the twitching cock that oozes pre from the slit with every mean word, one look at the way his eyes go hazy with powerlessness, and you can ascertain two facts: the safeword is nowhere near his lips, and he loves this.

"You'll ruin it for me, won't you? Stop right as you go over the edge. Make it up to me for being bad."

Keigo huffs a pout. It’s a fit he pitches.

Cute.

"You're f—" he catches himself. "You're cruel when you get like this."

Your eyebrows raise in mock surprise, uncrossing your legs and leaning your weight forward. You roll your eyes at Keigo's predictable gulp that follows, as he makes no effort to conceal his stare between those thighs that he'd much rather have like muffs around his ears. The thought creeps up and plagues his mind, a malady of memories of the times he spent hours lapping his fill with a blur of motion against his own neglected cock.

The swallow that results is audible.

"I thought you liked me being mean to you?"

A hand makes its way to conceal his mouth when he looks away, neck scorching with heat.

There is an agonizing dichotomy in the pleasure and fear Keigo feels when he begins to touch himself again. Those watery eyes quickly roll back into his head.

Beating his dick to the tune of his anticipatory sobs of denial, he knows it feels incredible. He can feel it building, crackling pleasure against his cock as he rubs it with each loud, wet stroke. Chest heaving with each twist of his wrist, up and down, wings flapping madly like a dog's wagging tail— it all feels too fucking good; but Keigo knows, logically, that this would-be orgasm is going to fizzle into the most dissapointing faux release he's ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

He can pretend it doesn't hurt, he tells himself. Judging by the sparks of pleasure wracking his body now, the orgasm he's about to give up would have been one of the strongest he's ever had.

Pity.

When he "cums," it's to the backdrop of his tortured sobs.

All he gets is a phantom throb and a river of cum that leaks pathetically when he tears his hands away at the last second.

Frantic with denial and tormented by a painful ruin, Keigo's hands reach out and grip the air before those claws sink angrily into the sheets and clench. Breaths escape his bitten lips in hot puffs, eyes bleary with water when they stare in utter helplessness at his equally weeping cock.

All he can do, all he's permitted to do is twitch like the poor, untouched cock that empties itself against his stomach with each pleasureless pulse.

"Tell me," you interrupt. "Do boys like you deserve to cum?"

He furiously shakes his head from side to side, hitching high-pitched hiccups from the back of his throat. It's with a sob and a bitten lip that he sinks further in his slouch, nearly stomping his foot like a tantrum. Another jingle of his collar rings out with the motion.

"You're lucky you're even getting this," you goad, just to rub some salt in it. "Do you deserve it, baby?"

"Yes, mistress," Keigo mumbles the response automatically, fuzzy until your expectant glare pops his budding bubble of bliss. "I-I mean, no, I don't— thank you, mistress."

You hum. "Felt good, huh?"

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Keigo hiccups when he nods.

It's only half a lie.

Physically, it was excruciating; but mentally, he'll be replaying this memory with a bottle of lubricant and his fist tight for weeks to come, desperate to keep the image fresh in his mind.

"What an adorable little ruin. Much too good for my sweet, sweet boy," you purse your lips when you tease, tapping Keigo's cock with the tip of your heeled boots and watching him flinch.

"You know what, Kei'? I think I'll have you give me another."

#hes so cute #🖋 writing #🌶 spice #hawks x reader #keigo takami x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader #smut #x reader #mha thirst #bnha thirst

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teethstitch · 1 month ago

Note

Since you are into TMNT I am curious what’s your opinion on each of the turtles in general since you seem to be into all iterations of them /gen question

ooh fascinating question. unsure if you mean each individual turtle from each gen or just each gen itself but i'll go into both!

so i actually have a tmnt powerpoint i'm working on right now, so i'll lift some stuff but obviously i won't lift it all, ill go in franchise order. shows and comics in order (show specific comics will go in the show sections) and then movies. spoilers for pretty much every single thing i talk about. if you haven't finished a specific iteration just skip the paragraph about it

Mirage

I havent read too much of mirage, though i'm sure its good i find it a bit visually noisy and actually struggle to read it- my vision is fine as far as i know and i don't usually have trouble with other black and white comics but man mirage is hard to read, whenever eastman would draw for idw annuals or issues i'd have a hard time getting through them because even though the style is cool i just can't see anything, so yeah, that for the time being kind of sums up my thoughts on mirage, i think the shredder worm shark is funny as hell though. i suppose the only thing of note i have an opinion on is the april race debate - wherein by one of them she was thought of as white and the other thought of her as non-white (i can't remember which ethnicity), so based on that i've seen people say that means she's white or the other ethnicity but since they're co authors i've just gone with the idea that mirage april is biracial. that's about the only mirage thing i can actually give my two cents on, moving on!

1987

I really like 1987, i haven't watched it all but trust me i'm slogging through it o7. i adore the animation mistakes, the way they give one turtle another turtles lines, and i think the characterisation is pretty solid. sometimes the show can feel tedious to watch personally, which is why i love saturday morning adventures, it's a much more concise, thought out version of the show itself and is a beautiful love letter to the show (they also finally sent usagi home :'D). obviously it went on for way longer than it realistically needed to, a majority of episodes basically mean nothing unless they introduce new characters, its the one piece of the franchise, lots of filler, i still think it's great though. i also love shredders revenge, it was the first tmnt game i've played since joining the fandom and similar to SMA it is a genuinely beautiful love letter to the community and franchise, i'm an avid cross stitcher as well so pixel games make me happy because i can stitch straight from the game sprites, which i've been doing :3. I love how the turtles are characterised, Cam clarke is iconic and i love shredder and krangs dynamic, irma has become the love of my life and much to my dismay i love the neutrinos which sucks because they're only present elsewhere in idw, i'm doubtful but begging Tottmnt to bring them back.

2003

2003 is by far my favourite of the shows, i actually enjoyed fast forward unlike much of the tmnt fandom, i thought it was fun, though sterling was meh to me, i just didn't like him - even though i liked fast forward i can personally admit the show dealt with similar issues to 1987 of just. extending itself. when they were able to focus on plots and do arc episodes was great, but the seasons could have definitely been cut down sometimes because the formula of an episode was beholden to ads, which meant every 5 minutes someone had to say something shocking or nearly die only for it to be dissuaded or continued after the ad break, watching it digitally now with no ad breaks was kind of funny though because i would be up late sometimes and delirious and the 03 singers yelling 'teenage mutant ninja turtles' at me while mikey or other did a cool move entertained me much more than it should have. I really love that the opening scene is recreation of the first scene in the mirage comics, even if i have trouble reading it i think thats cool and fun, i love all the turtles voices and characterisation, i never have any complaints about voice in any iteration but especially not here, they all feel perfect. the fandom is a big part of the joy of 03 for me, but i do still love watching my favourite episodes back from time to time, and like any good 03 fan i can scream about good genes and same as it never was like a banshee, though i do also have a lot of thoughts on other arcs dw. usually i find it easier to pick a favourite turtle iteration to iteration but man is it hard here, they all have their moments, i think the humour and the darkness are played really well (cough except for when leo got stabbed in the shoulder and i had no idea where he got stabbed until he got a scar next episode because there was no blood). I was drawn into the fandom by rise and it will always hold a special place in my heart but 2003 is far and away my favourite iteration. forever sad about the dreamwave comics being cut short and no one picking them up. we deserve more official 03 comics.

IDW

I'm also still reading idw - don't kill me its long and also theres just a lot of turtles stuff to get through, okay? I really have enjoyed it thus far, i jumped for joy when the neutrinos were revealed, i hated chet with a passion and they somehow wormed me back in with the fugitoid reveal, i will say similar to watching 03 digitally and just getting hit with the before ad and after ads cutaways back to back, there's a bit of an annoyance in trying to find and read everything in exact order, because missing a micro/macro or short side story like the secret history of the foot can kind of screw you over, so when someone says they're reading idw its not actually the 150 issues, its well over 200, though i haven't counted specifically. if you read the powerpoint pictures you'll see the artist death match, basically i was just going to pit them against each other by choosing the best design of reoccurring characters and the artist would get the point, there are some great artist who had a hand in this series, i can't deny all of them are talented, but man some of them are just not for me, getting through an arc with a style i don't like is a breath of fresh air, right now my main example of a style i like is Mateus Santolouco - not all the character designs are my favourite but the secret history of the foot clan was gorgeous, especially karai, she's always been one of my favourite characters. i enjoy idw, i think the worst thing i can say about it really is sometimes theres styles i don't like and akin to other comic series it can be stupidly difficult to figure out the exact reading order when you're not there from the beginning.

2012

possibly controversial (definitely, i'm lying to myself), 2012 is probably my least favourite of the franchises shows (no, its not below next mutation, just talking animated main shows). just to explain myself, I do LIKE the show, but of the shows i find its the least in line with my humour, the gross out humour is a little more uncomfortable for me given the 3d style, i can't deny the story is probably the most well done of any of the shows thus far, i do enjoy the story and i think even non relevant episodes to the main storyline do a good job of serving some kind of purpose to character development or giving the viewer a look into the world, it is by no means a bad show, i would never say it is, i do like it, but for myself personally i struggle to sit down and rewatch because of some of the things i pointed out and some other things like the way apritello is written, leorai (shudders), idk why but 2012 splinter just annoys me, i will say the turtles and april are really enjoyable characters, i find most of the characters (karai, casey, some of the minor villains even) pretty engaging, everyone feels really fleshed out and similar to 03 the voice acting is on point, though this iteration isn't my favourite in terms of rewatchability, i audibly cheered when i realised shelldon was greg cipes, when he said booyakasha i was on the floor weeping. 2012 is a show that i would watch on occassion when it was on, its the one i technically grew up with, though i wasn't really into tmnt as a kid, but greg cipes was pretty much my childhood as a big teen titans kid, as well as mae whitman, i was a big tinkerbell kid, so those 2 are a huge highlight of the show for me. my feelings on 2012 are pretty confusing, but i still do like the show, its just if anyone (like you) asked, i would have to say its technically my least favourite, but again, by no means means that its bad, because it isn't, it's just not really as for me as the other shows. the '12 comics i enjoy, i haven't read too many but the batman crossover was sick as hell, style wise the 2012 comics are solid, while i don't think 2012 looks bad as a 3d show i would personally be more drawn to it if it was 2d like the comics, i just prefer 2d.

Rise (2018)

As previously mentioned, like many others rise was my formal introduction as a teen/now adult into the tmnt fandom, for a while it kind of stood out as my favourite before 03 topped it, but still i love it with all my heart and i rewatch episodes frequently. i think the voice casting was on point, i had recently finished ducktales so ben schwartz and josh brener were welcome surprises, kat graham was in perth for a con recently and i was so sad she wasn't scheduled for the melbourne run of that con and was heavily tempted to go just to see her, rise april is definitely my favourite of all aprils, while i think its a fun dynamic when April is an adult and sort of an aunt figure to the turtles, rise april really killed the older sister thing, every episode she's in is a treat, omar miller and brandon smith (am i meant to put middle/second names i have no idea) were stunning choices for raph and mikey, rise raph is so brotherly and silly, he just brings so much heart to raph, Mikey is so much fun in rise, i can get caught up in inflection and the way a line is said and there's a lot of variety with Mikey's lines, its funny and i couldn't ask for better delivery, i think they're all good at it but brandon knocks it out of the park with mikey. So, partially the blame goes to 03 but rise was also what got me into usagi yojimbo, it's kinda funny how the only show without a canon usagi is the one that kinda goes the hardest in adding him into stuff. the format of the show not getting to focus a lot on plot and mostly just being one off episodes obviously isn't ideal, but for what story we got i really enjoyed, i also just liked the one off segments, the majority of them i really liked and found funny, for me this is probably the show that makes me laugh the most out of any of them - while i tend to participate nowadays more with the 03 section of the fandom, i still love rise to my core and still interact with it here and there.

Ronin

As i said before, theres a lot of tmnt to go through, but uh. everyone talks about the last ronin, so i detoured my regular watching and reading to dive into it. I liked it, there are things i would love answers to but i might just need to reread to know because middle of reading my cat threw up and i had to pause to clean it up, so yeah- there are things i'm worried to have possibly misunderstood, like the dissolution of their treaty of sorts, misremembering or misunderstood that part of the story is a possibility but if its not that i'm still desperate to know who actually betrayed who first, what actually did the turtles/foot truce in? i haven't gone into re-evolution or lost years yet, i've been meaning to but occasionally i'll get a new shiny hyperfixation and when i return to turtles i tend to dive right into the shows or long running comics first compared to stuff like ronin. i am very excited for the game and the film, little nervous at the idea the film will be live action but i'm mostly just going to wait and see, no sense hating it before i even know what it looks like.

Mutant mayhem/tales/2023

i know i said movies last but its kind of different since the movie was before the show- so deal with it ig. mutant mayhem is a great movie, emotional, funny, i really like it, and the style translates beautifully into 2d animation for the show, i don't have much to say on the movie itself, i really liked it, i watched it with my mum who really liked it and she can be pretty hot and cold when it comes to movies. Tales is a fun show, i similarly don't have too much to say, i struggle to rewatch things i've watched semi recently because i get burnt out on it quicker, but i'm super excited to watch this iteration continue, i'll miss rise like hell but i think tales shows great promise and i'm looking forward to more of it!

Bayverse

if you're wondering why i skipped the 2007 movie its because i haven't watched it, semi similar to mirage the style is a lot, but not similar in the way that i can actually tell whats going on in 07, i just. don't like the style. bayverse is pretty controversial but i like it enough, i don't really rewatch it because the 3d models freak me out, but i love the fanart people make, i do think the character designs themselves are very good, peoples fanart definitely helps you look at them more clearly as well. I still don't visually get leo's bone necklace placemat thing. splinter in the first movie is too furless and he needs to be shot. the movies themselves i don't find too special but i don't dislike them, i remember watching the second movie because some cousins and i went out with our nan and my younger cousin wanted to watch it so we did. i had very little turtle exposure as a child but out of the shadows was part of it.

Original trilogy

I quite like the original trilogy, it's very campy but i think its a fun watch, similar to mutant mayhem i watched these with my mum, we really only watch the movies together and we had a good time, we both struggle to really take them seriously. we had to pause the first movie for a WHILE to laugh at the bathtub scene, i still laugh about it frequently and remind her of it just as often, 'i'm coming....... tO A DECISION' also was funny, the third movie is there also.

Batman vs tmnt

Holy crossover, batman. i really like this movie, as a tmnt fan and a batman enjoyer this movie is just so good, many have said it before and i will continue to say it. the movie is so full of easter eggs, i'm still trying to figure out if that portrait in the turtle van is of mikey or jennika - everyone is characterised so well, the dynamics between the batfam and the turtles is done amazingly, alfred and mikey as a duo is delightful and as always the voice acting is so good, i would sell my soul to hear kyle mooney and baron vaughn as mikey and donnie again. eric bauza is always fun to see given his history with tmnt, so seeing him actually be a turtle for once was great, i really enjoyed his performance as leo, i still can't believe darren criss is raph. i'm a gleek and a huge starkid fan and i can't hear it but i know its true. its fucking insane. the movies story and pacing is just really good, and is one of the few animated tmnt iterations to actually let people get hurt, have visible injuries and get fully murdered on screen, when i saw that foot ninja DIE die i was fucking pumped, a lot of the other video iterations lack actual tension because yeah shredder wants to murder a guy but this is family programming, so he wont and can't. but you watch people die and suddenly that hologram the foot tried to kill doesn't just feel like a 1987 thing where the one time the villains are able to do real damage its a decoy, it feels like a truly necessary precaution, had batman not done that, someone would have died, no doubt. i've spent an extended period of time analysing the easter eggs in this movie, especially when it comes to the turtle van itself, i LOVE the van design, the fact its an old rv, the call back to 87, the spare tire being an anti-foot symbol, the grafitti saying 'Foot Stinks', the April calendar with a picture of a turtle on it, its all a genuine treat. I love this movie, i think it's the best tmnt film ever, i love rise's film but to me nothing holds a candle to this. rarely do i only ever have one criticism for a movie but the only issue i have with the movie is the fact they clearly imply mr freeze DIED and that mutated batman killed him but they NEVER TOUCH ON IT AGAIN. i need directors commentary, i need a script, i need SOMETHING to tell me what happened. anyways. the fighting is so much fun, i love it, it's delightful to watch a tmnt fight and to be fully dialed in because it feels like a real fight, 03 had some pretty good fight scenes but in essence they were very cartoony in the way they won a lot of the time, i just think the batman vs fights are golden, especially the penguin fight, but again, all of them are really good.

so yeah. i have a lot of tmnt opinions, there's more i could say about each iteration individually, especially the shows, but i'll leave it with a list of my favourite characters and their iterations.

IDW Karai, 2012 and 2003 karai, they mean the world to me, i'm a big karai fan and i think they're great. of course the neutrinos, as little as they appear they mean the world to me. 2003 casey is definitely my favourite casey, second is probably idw casey. Batman Donnie is so much fun, his lack of social awareness is really played up but it feels natural and very donnie and i love the think he does where he moves his head like he's going to hide it in his shell but doesn't so he's just poking out. Rise april has my entire heart, she's the best and i'd die for her. 03 and 24/MM Leo, they're both great. really the entire rise cast has my heart. also the 03 cast but special shout out to 03 splinter he's just very sweet. i have to stop now because i could yell about even more characters forever, so last one i would say Alopex, i think she's a great addition to the franchise and i hope more people adapt her.

in case you weren't wondering because i'll tell you anyways, i do have oc's, i just don't really draw that much or particularly well so i don't post about them, i do write about them but i don't publish it bc i don't think anyone would care much, i don't really dip into oc fic either so.

so yeah. general thoughts on most of the franchise! if you want me to expand on any of the thoughts i shared here i'd be happy to but for now my fingers ache from typing so bye :3

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2003 #tmnt shredders revenge #rise of the tmnt #tales of the tmnt #tmnt 1987 #tmnt idw #tmnt mirage #batman vs tmnt #tmnt 2012 #mutant mayhem

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technologyculturedneo · 1 year ago

Text

Sensing & Feeling

Donghyuck ft Dream members

PAIRING. Donghyuck!deaf x Reader!siren

Synopsis. You’re on edge when a group of boys trespass and attempt to steal from your charming lake of riches. You know that with your sound and song, they’ll easily get captivated and drown with your tunes being the last thing they hear. However this time, your song fails to work on one. With no fear, he looks you straight in the eyes and doesn’t fret. He’s allured and fascinated by you, and so are you. For the first time in so long, you hear a beat in your heart and you think you’ve fallen in love.

WC. 7k

Playlist. On the chain. Myuu. Ludwig Gorranssom Sirens. Jibaro soundtrack (w/ ending screams)

They’re being watched.

Donghyuck stops in his tracks, turning around to have a look at the forest again. Even if he can’t hear, he can see. And the rest of his senses are sharp enough to tell that somebody or something is watching them, following there every move. Peering around the colorful rosy, thick and leafy evergreen forest, with its wild and striking green wilderness, Donghyuck tries to get his eyes away from the captivating and alluring beauty trying to search or even find the source that’s making him feel uncomfortable. He can’t see it. But he surely knows that something, or someone is looking at him.

He jerks to the side when a hard hand hits his shoulder. Turning to Mark, Donghyuck slightly raises his arms working his hands in a pattern of communication. Mark, with his eyes solely on the rapid moving fingers, sighs and drops his cigarettes bud on the ground when it’s finished. He gets his other hand out his pocket visually moving his hands- yet stuck in the habit of saying his words out loud. “There’s nothing there. Stop looking around or else you’ll get lost.”

Donghyuck humph’s balling his fists before eagerly opening his palm to begin expressing his anxiety- hastily moving his fingers and hands in a manner which causes Mark to groan.

“What’s he saying?” Mark rolls his eyes getting his hands back in his pocket while facing Jaemin who asked in wonder being watchful of the pair.

“He’s saying we’re being watched and that he feels something following us.” Mark turns his head to the moving hands of Donghyuck and then facing Jaemin again. “He’s convinced that it started following us since we left the car hours ago. But I’m telling him that nothing’s there.” Mark, although focused on Jaemin has his hands in Donghyuck’s direction signing out that ‘nothing’s there.’

Jaemin turns to Donghyuck awkwardly and clears his throat. “Tell him he’s just being paranoid,” Mark does as told causing Donghyuck’s shoulders to fall as he turns his sharp deadly eyes on Jaemin. Jaemin being attentive to Mark and ignoring the gnawing eyes of Donghyuck, Jaemin scratches the back of his neck. “He really hates me.”

Donghyuck exhales angrily feeling ignored. He troops forward making sure to bump Jaemin’s shoulder hard in the process.

“Ow,” Jaemin holds onto his shoulder facing Mark in irritation. “Why does he always do that to me? It’s not like I’m being mean to him or anything. Fuck, you know, he should’ve been grateful that we even agreed for him to come with his dumb deaf ears.”

“Must be the reason why he hates you man,” Jeno snorts and turns his head back when Donghyuck passes him. Mark walks forward being behind Donghyuck.

“Why?” Jaemin asks louder.

“You keep referring to his ears as dumb and deaf,” Jeno smirks before tossing his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder and signing with one hand, the only sign language he knows. ‘Are you okay?’

Donghyuck’s beady eyes glance once at Jeno’s fingers and then nodding his head trying to keep his temper at bay. Despite not hearing Jaemin’s comment, Donghyuck knows his place in Mark’s group of friends. If he has to cause a scene now, they would only label him as a typical angry deaf boy.

“No shit, he’s deaf.” Jaemin grumbles. “And dumb,”

“Watch it Jaemin.” This time Chenle gets in on the conversation barely looking back to his friend.

“It should be somewhere around here,” Renjun, navigating the group of fatigued boys behind him with a map, alters his voice louder for all of them to hear. “Okay guys, we’re almost there.”

“You’ve been saying that for an hour man,” Jaemin, the last in line, groans out. “My feet are killing me, can’t we just stop?”

“We can’t stop now, we’re so close.” Renjun states as he follows the olden brown mapped route. Wandering and rambling around the forest, they boys get deep and deeper within the dimly lit home of nature. Donghyuck can’t hear the words produced by Renjun, but he surely can tell that Renjun’s legs are not going to stop anytime soon. It’s as if he’s almost possessed.

Being the only one with the map, Renjun is certain of where they are going. However, the sound whispering to his ear is hypnotizing. The sweet melodies feel like a calling, drawing him off the familiar hiking trail and towards the forbidden forest area full of rash cultivation, sharp stones and deep water swamps. At this point, he’s not even himself when being pulled by the unknown voice calling onto him.

And so he leads his friends through a valley filled with shadows and slow forming mists.

In ambience with the clouded sky and descending colors of the once bright green forest has Donghyuck feeling the hairs of his neck rise every time they pass through some trees. Something is surely watching them. He peeks at Mark once, yet his heart heaves in deep isolation, feeling like an outcast when he sees Mark’s lips turned up into a huge smile as he soundlessly laughs. It’s not only Mark, but Jeno as well has moving lips and a large smile on his face engaging in conversation entertaining both Mark and Jaemin.

Donghyuck feels singled out when Chenle taps his shoulder and with broken sign language tries to chat with him. It results in Donghyuck merely pulling a discontent look and all together ignoring him. Not long after, he notices Jisung and Chenle having their own conversation. With no one around him to notice, he sinks his head down grumpily stuffing his hands in his pockets as he follows behind Renjun in barren.

He didn't even want to tag along with Mark for this stupid trip. But Mark convinced him that it would be a fun experience. Donghyuck knew it wouldn't be fun considering they'd be together with the rest of Mark's friends, but he still tagged along in hopes that he'd be able to "fit in" and be "normal".

He tsks and shakes his head. Moving away from the group to take a short leak on a tree stem, he notices how the tree barks have gone from slim to chunky and large.

The tall and secluded trees become thicker and almost impossible to pass through. Donghyuck signs to Mark a few more times that he feels like something is watching them the deeper they go. But as usual, Mark tries to assure Donghyuck that they’re not being watched.

Your head, ever so slowly, peeks out from the waters having 4k vision of the boys treading down the slope leading to your territory. You sink back into the water, following them from the side.

Now trudging and dragging their feet through the high grass, the sky is no longer visible being covered by the vast majority of leaves. The trees go from being slime and tall, to being thick and short, with heavy large leaves dropping down all the way to the ground.

“Renjun are you sure we’re going the right way?” Mark complains. “We’ve been at it for almost three hours now.”

“He’s leading us to our death,” Jeno mumbles trying to joke his way around feeling an excruciating amount of blistering pain on his feet. "Okay, dude I shit you not when I say my legs have reached their maximum limit."

"Well just keep pushing a little longer. I want us to get there at least by sunset." Renjun states, his eyes hooked forward with the goal and aim to reach his desired time frame. "We'll be able to comfortably rest when we get there."

Renjun's words are a bleak whisper of hope, urging everyone to continue walking with the little strength they have. It gets harder to pass by certain amount of branches and thorn covered bushes- but none the less the boys manage to escape serious injuries every time. Complaining, joking around, telling stories and even singing is what gets the boys through their crying legs and drained bodies.

Donghyuck, however, has nothing of entertainment except slightly falling back from the group and deviating on his own to have a closer look at the ethereal plants and vegetation of certain flowers. It’s the type of nature he hasn’t seen before. It’s all so beautiful.

Still being with the group but just a couple of steps back, Donghyuck brings out his water bottle from his backpack drinking on the last drops of his water. Yapping his dry tongue, he swallows dryly and looks to the lake bed that's several meters far from them.

His eyes widen when seeing the lake pond thinking that they’ve finally reached the spring waters. He sprints lightly towards Renjun and pats his shoulder quickly and points at the distance of the flowing waters.

Much to his inaudible ears Donghyuck doesn't hear when the rest of the boys ask him what's wrong. Luckily Renjun catches his drift and begins laughing. "Guys look! We're here!"

Upon seeing the lake bed of waters the boys with their last strength scamper in zeal and excitement- no longer tired but DRAINED and in need of aqua. Getting to the edge of the grass head they each drop to their knees getting their hands in the chilling cold waters and splashing it on their faces.

Jisung however stops just by the edge of the ground feeling uneasy. “Renjun, is this the right spring waters? This doesn’t feel like the place we came to last time.”

Renjun too, for a split second, has confusion looming over him- but within a second, his whole mind is in a trance again and the worried look turns into excitement. “What are you talking about Jisung? Let’s get in the lake.”

Unintentionally being a step ahead, Donghyuck's eyes twinkle and he sticks his whole foot in the water (not caring that he’s soaked his whole shoes and trousers), walking on the uneven rocky surface getting deeper in the water when his eyes make out something shiny and sparkling. Bending down with his knees feeling cool by the cold water, Donghyuck sticks his hand inside the flowing water, touching the unfamiliar yet glittery piece of jewel.

Mark's head strikes up instantly when wind passes by him and his ears tingle when he catches a soft lullaby. A shiver crawls up his whole body and he shakes physically, trembling.

His head slowly turns side to side wondering if the boys can hear it, can feel it, can smell it? But they're sitting by the edge relaxing and massaging their feet in oblivion to the light mist that slowly coats the air. While the most coats the air, the clouds begin to separate revealing the sun.

Mark's head seeks for Donghyuck and through the curling vine tree leaves he spots Donghyuck in the water. Bending down and picking up something.

Something in Mark doesn't feel right or at ease when seeing his friend in the water.

His chest rises and falls rapidly, with his heart beating excessively fast. He...he doesn't know why he's feeling paranoid but as soon as he hears the soft gripping lullaby again he lunges himself in the lake hurting himself in the process, causing an alert for the other boys.

"Mark what's wrong?"

"Guys we need to get out of here." Mark is wreaking of desperation for the danger he feels that his friend, Donghyuck is in. "Something doesn't feel right. I think Hyuck was right. Something followed us."

Meanwhile, Jaemin is the first to spot it. Eyes. Your eyes. A wave of dizziness engulfs him as he moves without thinking and falls into the water, lustfulness covering his eyes. "Jaemin!" Jeno is alert when Jaemin falls head first into the lake. Without delay Jeno gets in the water- the stony ground scraping him but his attention is on his goofy smiling friend Jaemin who is in a daze.

“She’s so beautiful.” Jaemin mummers, love struck, with drool leaving the side of his lip being mesmerized by just your eyes. Your eyes that are sticking out the water and staring at them.

Just as Mark's about to grab a hold of Donghyuck- his fingers recoil in fret by an eerie loud squeaky scream causing him to grip his ears. Jaemin and Jeno in the water are paralyzed in terror clawing at their ears equally yelling with their eyes rolling back.

"Guys get out the water!" Renjun petrified of the emerging sight of the female yells.

You're unfazed by the confusion rising in the surface level of the boys scream, you sneakily peek out the water only allowing your eyes to momentarily get a look at your prey. It's been a long while since your voice called out to the forest and brought you back prey. This time around you're enlightened to have clocked seven youthful and mature men. You lick your lips, slowly rising out the water to the surface.

Your body is dazzling and glimmering when the little light from the sun hits your skin. Adorned in glitter skin from head to toe, draped in nothing but a gleaming amount of pearls wrapping around your body your hallucination eyes captivates the boys in an eerie lust. And it's true, just for a moment, all their eyes (except Donghyuck who's still looking at the jewel in his hand) are on your sensual figure.

Your figure slithers out the water, and unlike the usual mermaid tale, you’ve got legs which equally shine with the glitter and diamond pieces serving as skin.

But that doesn't mean the boys don't fear at the eerie feeling. Mark is paralyzed in place with his hands wedged in his ears as he tries to fight out the echoed scream that he hears on repeat in his head- he can’t get his eyes off you, but he surely can try to resist. He becomes frozen and entranced- not bothering to run! the way Jeno leaps for his life (with Jaemin over his shoulder) trying to get out the water and follow a panicked Renjun, Jisung and Chenle who manifest agony in trying to shut out their ears to the scream withering in their heads.

You smirk, loving how much they’re all trying to resist. You try not to pay attention to the unfazed man on his knees holding onto a piece of your diamond skin. You pay your attention close to Jaemin, who reaches out his love hands to you- but is being yanked by his friend. “So beautiful-”

“Don’t leave me,” You whimper and stretch your own hands out, your eyes drowning his mind.

He’s easy. So you don’t hesitate to open up your mouth and render your voice out to the men by screaming again- it's crooked, it's whiny, it's so loud, it's making them deaf. Once again, the air coils by your screech and the mist grows heavy with all the boys reacting in agony by scratching their ears. Renjun scratches so hard that he's ears abnormally begin to bleed.

Jaemin grips his ears- his senses foggy and his mind going crazy- but then being captivated again he’s under the spell to draw closer to you. Jeno drops Jaemin to the ground as he also can’t take the sound of your yells echoing in all parts of his head.

Unlike Jaemin who’s easily engulfed by your voice, the other boys are strong in resisting and try to run.

But you’re just at your beginners level. Trying to see which sound frequency gets them attached. And to your luck, Jaemin easily reacts to the easy based scream. Your voice intensifies as you growl from your throat and have your eyes dead on the group screaming yet again even louder.

The air slowly becomes clear as you approach and walk slowly on the water. You’re slithering from side to side, erotically moving and watching Jaemin crawl before he sprints in the water splashing all over being pulled by your voice. The poor boy is trying to run away but with your voice in his head he gets enchanted to run towards you.

A bewitching voice echoes through Mark’s brain, “Come closer,” it speaks over and over like a mantra, soothing hums layered behind the words. But Mark has his head craned upwards in agony, his eyes shut tightly with his head trying to resist.

You have the movements of a dancer, delicately dancing in the water, looking graceful and poised. “Come to me,”

Mark’s legs unwillingly step forward, blindly opening up his eyes as he can no longer resist. But with Donghyuck in his view, he’s snapped out of your trance (but only for a second) and pushes Donghyuck forward.

And just like that, Mark being the second just like Jaemin being the first- to give into your voice and blindly follow in your trance. In an irregular pulling, both Mark and Jaemin dance to a forced tune in their heads-

Donghyuck pushed forward grunts in anger and peers back, only for his eyes to open wide in alert as he watches in silence both Mark and Jaemin in unorthodoxy as they dance- almost forced while trudging in the water. Donghyuck get’s up to grab unto Mark but is stuck when he sees a dancing figure deep in the edges of the water.

Mark is being pulled painfully as he laughs in an inhumane manner trying to get to you. Donghyuck can only watch his friend from behind looking like he’s being yanked and walking above the water instead of drowning. The sight is surely wild, with Mark and Jaemin walking on top of the water. Mark bends in an unconventional way slowly starts sinking with every dancing step he takes forward.

Donghyuck is pushed again into the water- snapping him out of his horror of watching his friend sink- he turns back now seeing the rest of the boys nuts and rushing while dancing in a haunting yet mesmerizing ballad way into the water. Donghyuck can see there’s a form of struggle to their controlled expressions and he doesn’t know what he’s looking at. While Jaemin is head over heels looking like he’s found the love of his life, in just a spilt second, his head shakes and he frantically yells looking shaken with fear. Just like Jaemin, Jeno, the most resistant out of the whole group stops every once in a while getting control of his body before he’s being drawn in such a painful way that he’s back arches in a snap.

Donghyuck can only tie their unorthodoxed dancing to you. Getting a look at you- he stumbles back watching you ushering the boys in hypnotic ballet moves. You’re pulling your arms, standing on your tippy toes enticing them with your nude yet covered glittering body. Your hips rolling around like crazy. Donghyuck, in pure horror stricken notices how the boys rapidly sink while getting closer to you.

Your performance making them dance in a controlled manner sets your heart ablaze in lust, loving the energy of fear wreaking out of them. You dance hard, desire and cravings latching out of you and into them.

All their bodies are half in the water - and half out still struggling.

However, you’re alert when your tunes don’t seem to entice one of them. You can’t seem to get a grip of him, no matter how high you set your voice frequency. And by now, it's the highest. He looks feared by you, you like that, but he isn’t dancing or bending to your will, you don't like that. His eyes go from you to one of the boys and you screech in anger at the boy he’s looking at.

Mark feels his bones cracking the most, but so eluded by the enchantment he can’t react but allow his pain to drown. He’s fighting with the water, wanting a chance to survive, but when he loses his grip on the top of the water- his body falls in the water and he struggles to get out. His arms wave and wag in haste- but with you dipping your head in the water to send out one last scream of outrage. Mark’s ears bleed and he swallows the water through his nose and mouth choking and gagging with the water in his throat- dying and hearing your voice.

It’s been a while since Donghyuck had shouted- however this time from the pits of his stomach an unruly cry riots from his lungs. He can’t hear his own voice, but he feels the vibration of his tonsils. “MEL!” His limb and lame mouth scorns out in horror, ‘Mel’ being the nickname he gave to Mark ever since they were little kids, the nickname that he only used whenever sign language couldn’t reach to Mark. As he couldn’t hear, he couldn’t hear how to pronounce Mark- thus his limb mouth would force out the syllables that he learnt of how to say ‘Mark’.

Not only Mark but there's nobody on the surface of the water. With the clear waters, Donghyuck can only see their desperate figures drowning and sinking below.

Your head peeks out the water and you stare intensely at the man. You screech out, but he doesn’t flinch. You cast your hands out in his direction but he merely moves. He falls back in the water crawling back with tears by his eyes. He tries to back up with every step you take forward.

Why isn’t he succumbing to your voice?

You get scared, and hold onto your throat. You let out a little lonely help. “Come to me,” You squeak in confusion. “Don’t leave me alone,”

You’re scared that your power is gone. Visibly, you’re scared that the man isn’t affected. Deep down you’ve always known yourself to be weak, that’s why you used your voice to drown all the men who’d take advantage of you. But yet, your voice, your siren voice stands no chance against him, a mortal man.

You yelp out, your eyes being watery as you step back calling out to him again. “Please come, I’m scared,”

You’re terrified that you’ll succumb to him, so running away, you do a back flip into the water yelling out and diving to the bottom of the waters, trying to feed yourself with the fresh meal of men, perhaps trying to get your power again.

Donghyuck in absolute shock and horror pants out when the little clouds that parted the skies seems to come back hiding the sun. The clouds hide and leave nothing but the grey skies. He’s so out of it, that nothing but him breathing is all that remains in the air.

His lips tremble as he tries to speak, but mumbles into the empty air is what fills his fear. He backs out of the water when seeing your head appear out of the water. Your eyes, a manifesting color of fear display a hint of what can only be described as anger as well as evil. It causes panic inside of Donghyuck and sharply he gets off his feet and is running for his life.

Running where? He doesn’t know. Running where? He can’t hear.

A whimper leaves his lips as he transpires, trying to get out the water- trying to get far away from the lake, far from the blood swimming around the pool of the people he once considered to be Mark’s friends. He’s weak when running endlessly and frantically around.

This isn’t real.

You sneak out of the water, your body slithering in a hypnotic way, soft and delicate, white hair clinging to your skin the more you submerge out of the waters. You’re so delicate and graceful when approaching the knocked out body on the ground. The knocked out body of the man who had been crying. You lay beside him, enclosing your body on his as you wrap your arms gently around him. You breathe him in, smiling and roaming your eyes all over his being.

He’s the one you’ve been waiting for. Placing your hand on his toned chest, running your hand slowly up his torso.

Night falls and you’re dancing doesn’t seize. In slow paced steps, ballet moves manifesting out of you. You protect him in your care, seeing him as someone worthy of your protection. Amongst all the other wanderers. He’s the first to have resisted your lonely cries of help. In serene joy, you rejoice upon feeling your heart being elevated. It’s almost as though you can feel yourself living. Your heart beats again when sensing movements from him.

You leap up in surprise when his grip claws onto your your anke keeping you from moving.

Donghyuck can’t fathom what’s reality anymore. Upon hitting himself face first into a tree, his reality spiraled into the abyss and he fell unconscious. But now, he’s confused upon coming back to his senses and comes face to face with your face. He’s got a tight hold on you, and when he’s up on his feet- he can’t help the growing anger in him when he screams out frightening you.

You’re about to make a run for it- but his shouts turn to tears and he sinks on the ground crying his heart out. You don’t know why he’s crying, but the sounds of his plea call out to you in the same way your voice calls out to lost men.

You fall with him to the ground, and bare his body in your hold. You whimper and pat at his head.

You killed Mark. You aren’t human. You killed Jaemin. You aren’t human. You killed all of them. You drowned them all. They all danced their way to the waters and drowned. You are the reason why he’s all alone in this night.

Is what goes on in Donghyuck’s head when he backs away from you in a lonely state of sadness. Watching you recoil, Donghyuck hugs his knees and cries out.

You stare at his arched figure. “Dance with me,”

You speak out. But he doesn’t move.

Tenderness and warmth is what Donghyuck feels when you hold onto the sides of his face. His eyes are in awe, but he doesn’t move only allows his eyes to hurl out the lost tears.

You get up on your feet, you align your body before him in his view. You sway your hips, side to side your body rolls erotically, your hands reaching out to the stars and you roam them carefully all over your body. Your eyes meet with his. He can see through your beautiful iris that your pupils dilate, he watches as the whites of your eyes turn dark.

Donghyuck can’t stop watching.

His eyes hypnotized by your dance.

He wants to reach out to you, to touch you, to kiss you.

Not knowing that you’re seducing him with just your dance, you pay him no mind when he crawls from the floor with his eyes intoxicated by lust.

It’s the same look Jaemin had when trying to resist you but failing. You pay the look no mind, as you’re just happy to have someone not be afraid of you. Of having someone not taking advantage of you.

Donghyuck, on his knees, wraps his arms around your waist breathing in your ethereal scent. Mark couldn’t make out what the smell was, but Donghyuck can.

You smell like home, and it makes him feel safe. Mark could smell it too. The only difference is that Mark smelt the scent of his mother. But he knew it wasn’t real as his mom passed years ago. This time, Donghyuck can smell the scent of being alive. And it feels like home. His ears are pierced in a way that he can almost hear sounds. He's frightened, but unlike his mind that's free and can move, his body is stuck in place. The fear crawling up his ears when he can suddenly... hear.

He can hear your voice. You're singing. But instead of your siren voice crushing him and rushing him to his death, his entranced and longs for the love you're showering him with.

It calms him. You're soft, and kind. Your gentle touch is reassuring him that even though he isn't dead, he is still with you. You take care of him. And you love him.

"What's your name?" You ask in a soft crystal quiet voice.

"H-hello," he says. He just spoke. He spoke and his voice came out.

Donghyuck doesn't know where he gets his voice from, but when he speaks it's as though the weight of being deaf for so long gets off his chest. “D-d-Donghyuck.” He can speak.... now. The sound of your voice, soft like a spring breeze at night, fills him with warmth when you say his name back. It's beautiful, and the sound is like music to him.

“Come with me,” You whisper as you look down at his handsome face. “Come with me to the lake,”

“You’ll kill me.” Donghyuck’s voice fades as his mind snaps out of the trance. You killed his friend. You killed Mark.

“I won’t kill you,” You shake your head. “You’re precious to me. You’re my precious.”

Your skin feels tingly and your heart skips every time his fingers graze your figure just as his lips don't miss an inch of your stomach. It’s a nice feeling and you wish more than anything for it to never end. You want Donghyuck to keep touching you.

You allow your hands to slide down his hair feeling his lips suddenly kiss the navel of your belly. You allow him to do as he pleases. You roll your head around loving his subtle touches on your body.

But then Donghyuck pulls back and looks up into your eyes that are clouded with longing. There’s a glint of something else, something dark and dangerous. When you arch your back to meet his face...

He's not even thinking- and he's under your full control as he tilts his head to the side and moans lowly. It drives you wild, but also satisfies your need for dominance. Although Donghyuck isn't in control of his body, his mind tries to snap him out of the trance you've placed upon him.

Your hand cups his face, thumb caressing the curve of his cheek. You lean forward and meet him halfway, lips pressing together. A groan leaves his mouth and a low moan erupts from yours. You tilt your head and suck lightly on his bottom lip making him pull harder. He breaks away first, panting slightly before doing it again.

It's been a while since you've last kissed someone- anyone. So to have him on his knees with your lips on him, you can't help but sink over his lap and straddle him as you go on. The feeling of his skin against yours made you moan into his mouth. He tastes like a mix of salt and mint.

He needs to get out of here. He needs to go now. But how?

It's tough to escape. He's not in control of his body, but he is aware of his clogged senses. He tries to break free- and every time he gives into what you want, he gains a part of control over his body again. From the way you’re kissing him, he figures that you want to have company. He can only imagine how lonely you've been...

Snapping out of it, Donghyuck pulls his hand away from your form when a cut gets into him. He looks into his red palm noticing all the pieces of glitter and diamonds all on his hands. He glances up once at you... You seem to be excited as you do a little dance... Ballet style.

With reluctant legs Donghyuck moves close to you placing his hand on your side, stopping you from dancing. Wanting to touch you. You jump, but it’s so enticing to him when he pulls out a diamond dime from your skin. You giggle and flow with your easy moves around his body. He takes his time tracing every inch of your skin. His fingers glide over yours and your face as if trying to memorize the feel of it. You giggle more at how much he seems to notice your body... Little do you know he's fascinated that your body is really made out of diamonds and jewels. Your lips curl in pleasure.

Donghyuck’s ears are all so new to the sound, yet when you depart further from him, still continuing to dance... his ears get blocked and the sound of life fades from his ears. When you’re not there, he can’t hear.

His body trembles. He wants to hear. He wants to hear the forest and your voice. He wants to hear. And he misses the feel of hearing when the numbness of nothing plays in his ears. So he follows you. Hoping to hear again.

You dive straight into the water, causing the shimmering glitters of your body to illuminate in the water. Without thinking, Donghyuck also dives in.

You swim and swim. Donghyuck follows with his mediocrity swimming.

But unlike his non siren body, he’s unable to swim for a long time. None the less, he’s drenched in water when he seeks to get out the water. He holds onto a rock and climbs out of the water. He’s surprised that you've somehow led him to a cliff waterfall....when seeing that you’re now going up a water fall his eyes are open wide. He can't keep up with you. He looks to the bricked and stony pattern on the wall that also goes up the waterfall.

He resorts to trying to climb it, trying to follow you.

He can’t hear the sounds of the water anymore and it scares him.

The silence which he has feared for so long has returned. Not liking the silence he makes it his mission to follow you.

However when he gets to the top of the water fall edge, he's out of breathe, his senses shoot into him. Was he being controlled to follow you up the mountain or did he follow you himself? Whatever the answer is, he doesn’t care as he sees you sitting on the edge of the water fall.

“Jump in with me,”

He can’t hear you, but he sees your lips moving and he desires to hear again. So he follows you, but at the rate of trying to get his foot on the water, it’s slippery and almost sweeps his feet away into the waterfall. He’ll die if he follows you. So he shakes his head and signals with his hand for you to come to the bricked edge of where he is.

Obediently, you dive in the water and swim to him. Once you’re out the water and parched on the rock with him, you dive in straight for his lips and kiss him in pure happiness and bliss. His hands find their way to your face as he kisses back just as intensely and he feels like he could do this all night-

And just for a split second- he hears his thoughts shouting at him. 'You're under a spell! Don’t let her kill you the way she killed Mark!'

But too deep in the trance to care, he continues kissing you. The spell is breaking though, as his mind snaps back into focus as soon as he realizes that he's not feeling himself or his senses. He's desiring something that wasn't his in the first place.

He's never been able to hear, and he doesn't want to be tricked into hearing- otherwise you'll kill him. Besides it looks already like you're trying to kill him.

With your subtle hints for him to jump or get in the water with you- Donghyuck is no fool. He pulls away from you with a pained expression when your glittering diamond lips cut his own lip a little. You blink at him in confusion before he starts hyperventilating.

He needs to get out of here.

With his friends all dead, he needs to find a way out of this water, away from you. Away from his own thoughts. And he needs to hide. He doesn't know where he'd go, but as long as it's away from this cursed lake then he needed to go.

His thoughts twist for the worse when he realizes that the only way to escape from you...is to hurt you in order to give him time to escape.

Donghyuck tries to feel no remorse when he has a fatal idea in his head.

It only takes a second, but when he head buds your head- a rapid punch from him knocks you unconscious. He stumbles back, but shivers upon your unconscious body landing on him.

He doesn’t know what comes over him, but a feeling of greed enters him. A feeling of anger and hurt enter him. His hands aren’t soft at all when he grips onto your jewelled scales and begins to pull your riches off of your diamond skin. He can’t stop pulling, he can’t stop cutting the diamonds off your body. You don’t deserve this, but you do. Your blood is spilled on Donghyuck’s hands. You’ve tainted him. But he could care less. You've just killed his best friend and were trying to kill him.

He needs to escape.

Whenever he tosses out the pearls and beautiful ornaments off your body, he flushes them down in his own leather jacket pocket watching your body bleed out. He continues to rampage your body of all the jewels and dimes hoping that even if he does get off this creepy forest and perhaps makes it to the car... But he doesn't have the keys.... Maybe he could even find a way to order a cab or even transfer all the jewels for money. He lived with Mark and Mark was the sole provider for all his needs- how would he pay for things if he had nothing on him?

So he doesn't stop pulling the dimes of your body.

It’s not until all his pockets are full does he get up. And from the edge of the dark waterfall, with a bitter heart when thinking that you killed Mark, he pushes you off the edge and watches your body fall from high before it bloodily flows with the river water and sinks in.

The sight of your sinking body reminds him of Mark drowning in agony by your tunes.

Donghyuck begins his journey in trying to get out the water. Trying to find his way back. If he can at least get to the car that was abandoned for this trip, he knows he can get home and explain what he has just seen.

Nearly falling off the edge a couple of times, he manages to stay alive and hold carefully onto the trees for support.

He starts running. Running through the narrow path of trees, running through the heavy and rash bush. Surely Renjun wasn’t keeping to the map anymore, because there’s no trail here. Donghyuck doesn’t stop, but continues running. His heart beating fast.

“Why?”

He stops abruptly when he hears a light wail. He’s heart freezes when holding onto his ear. He turns his head around frantically like a mad man when the sounds of fireflies are heard bouncing into his ears.

His ears don’t sound blocked anymore.

He runs up the slope, trying not to get distracted by the odd cries he can suddenly hear. He runs in speed now, trying to get away from your voice. He knows it’s you because the same way he felt as though he was watched, he can feel it again, but this time he can smell you too. Remembering the path when seeing the cigarette bud that Mark was smoking- he thanks the heaven that he got a chance to escape.

However, he panics when he looks back and hears another wail.

It sounds close this time.

“Donghyuck why?” You cry out.

He can feel himself being lured as images flash in his head of your body, rejected and abandoned.

"Why don't you want to dance with me?"

Donghyuck isn’t aware of his body being pulled and dancing through the forest, nor does he sense his vision blacking out from time to time. But when he does sense that something is controlling him- he pulls his head back and slaps himself- breathing in fear. He shakes his head when looking around the dark forest.

No.

He’s back.

"Donghyuck why don't you want to stay with me?"

His ears pick up on the disturbing sounds again. Sounds of crying and he shakes his head trying to escape. But in escaping, he doesn’t get far.

"It's lonely down here."

To his surprise, he finds himself back where he ran away from.

The lake.

"Just stay with me."

Watching as his body leads him closer to the waters, he makes out your hunched bloody form, standing on the water. Although it’s dark, you stretch your arm out in sadness as a tear slips from your eye.

“Donghyuck~”

You whelp out and Donghyuck plunges into the water but screams out in agony. ”No!”

“How could you?” You cry out and a loud screech pours out of you. Donghyuck dives back in the water after attempting to escape again. With the forces of nature hearing your cry, they trap Donghyuck and feed into his ears your cry. “Come.”

You scream out in agony. Your heart letting out a broken and devastated cry.

As you allow your fingers to pull on him like a puppet- your heart breaks at the thought of drowning him. You don’t want to kill him, you’ve just met him and think you’ve fallen in love... you don’t want to hurt him. But you want to hurt him.

You want him to stay with you. "Come to me,"

So instead of killing him, you just make him dance.

He falls into the water again after attempting to escape. He blindly follows and scratches his ears in pain his throat hoarse from all the yelling. He can’t even see you anymore, as he gets dizzy when his arms frantically move up in controlled movements.

Your pain is seething out of you as you yell again and Donghyuck can’t take the bursting excruciating sounds of his ears popping by a high volume screech. Your dark ocean eyes feed into your pain as you control him and watch him dance to your tune. You can feel it. That his death should be more painful and bitter compared to the rest.

The problem is, it hurts your heart to watch him hurt. He’s your first love. The first man to not succumb to your voice. With that thought in mind, you grow angry and reach your hands out to him balling your fists and allowing his body to stay afloat on the water and not drown just yet.

You still want to see his face. You still want to see him.

Even though it’s hurting you and you’re crying, you can’t help but still make him dance.

“Come to me Donghyuck,” You speak. Despite his body sinking into the menacing waters you keep him up trying not to drown him yet.

You want him to suffer. Suffer for hurting you. But at the same time, you don’t want him to suffer.

After all, he had a choice.

He just chose the wrong one.

You fall to your knees above the water, having your way with him.

Donghyuck in an intense amount of pain watches the tears pour out from your bloody scarred face, your long white hair being drenched and coated in your blood where it was once beautiful. When Donghyuck makes out your sad face, you look broken and hurt.

Unlike the rest of your prey drowning instantly after hearing the sounds of your voice, you make Donghyuck die slowly. You don’t want him to die. You just wished he listened to your voice and stayed with you, and danced with you.

As he’s sinking and forced to drink and inhale the noise piercing water- he gags out- coming face to face with your deranged bloody form crying out to him. The sounds of your cry are worse then the sounds of your scream, as Donghyuck feels ounces of guilt flooding in him.

The moment you let out another weep of misery, Donghyuck stills and allows you to toy him in a brutal way. Your hands having full control with his body. He doesn’t fight you anymore, he doesn’t resist his fate, he blindly obeys and submerges himself into the depths of the ocean.

He was going to die anyway- so there was no use trying to fight.

You plop your head in the water screaming out and bursting at his ears until you’re sure that he’s dead, but he’s not dying yet (because you don’t want him to).

"Donghyuck."

Your teary eyes watch him sink slowly, with his arms out. He’s still swallowing the water and it hurts him so badly. He doesn’t know why he’s not dying, but he does know that the look you’re looking at him with is breaking your heart.

As a last way to repent he signs out.

I'm sorry

Maybe it was because of the misunderstanding, but Donghyuck knew that you wanted to stay with him and that you were lonely being alone. He understood it because it’s what he felt all the days of his life. No one to talk to, and the one he wants to talk to has friends. So Donghyuck can feel your pain, but at the same time, he knows that he didn’t belong with you. He didn’t feel attached to you, but he felt attached to your pain.

When your eyes are on his hands, you see them move in a pattern of the way he talks, but in anger you reject his apology and yell from the bottom of your heart bursting off his ears with your most deadliest of tunes.

His eyes shut, and once his body dims and disappears at the bottom of the water, you cry while sitting alone. He's dead. And it is because of you. The world would have been better if you just died instead of having to watch those you love die. You don't even deserve to live anymore, but you're cursed and there's nothing you can do. You think, as tears stream down your face.

From above the waters, you can feel that you're being watched. Watched from everyone you've killed.

#Siren x nct #nct dream donghyuck imagine #nct dream imagines #nct dream haechan #nct dream haechan x reader #nct donghyuck x reader #donghyuck x reader #haechan x reader #nct dream mark x haechan #nct dream x reader #nct dream fanfic #nct dream scenarios #nct mark angst #nct dream smut #donghyuck smut #reader!siren x nct donghyuck #siren!reader #siren!au #siren x nct dream

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hopefulromances · 1 year ago

Text

Long Time Coming I Chapter One I All My Ghost

Summary: Being hired as the first female assistant coach in the league was a challenge of it itself. Being a football protigy and University Football Legend was easy enough. Coaching Jamie Tartt was a challenge all on its own.

Word Count: 1355

Warnings: Jamie is a dick. First Person. Enemies to lovers. Minimal Y/N use. Again I have no idea how football works so... just play along. Some angst in this chapter.

A/N: Slow beginnings yall! But I promise things will pick up soon enough! I thrive on words of affirmation so feel free to comment or send me a note letting me know what you think!

Prologue

As I originally predicted, hating Jamie was incredibly easy. His arrogance was intoxicating and not in a good way. But for me, it felt like he was doing everything in his power to make me feel small.

"I know we’re all fit but I need you to focus on the football, not my ass.”

“What do you think (Y/N), should I go left then not pass to Sam, or should I not pass to Sam and then go left.”

“Woah that was harsh, you need some Midol?”

Every jab made my blood boil. But Ted was always there to back me up. His ever-present optimism was contagious and no matter how bad the cards seemed to be delt, he always had some way to make things better.

My days were made in the early mornings. I always like to come to come in early to get some time on the field. Before Ted or Beard or any of the lads got to the club, I would come with my own ball and practice shooting and dribbling by myself. It was sorta a sacred practice for me, and something I really looked forward to.

That was until one frosty morning. The pitch was dewy in the morning sun, and I could see my breath as I stood starring at the goal. My foot rested on the ball in front of me as I visualized my attack. The imaginary defenders coming towards me set the stage for the roaring crowd cheering my name. All at once, I began my movement.

I kicked the ball up and began my dribble. I swerved and spun around keeping control of the ball but allowing myself to perform a few dribbling tricks along the way. Then I sent the ball flying through the air relishing in the swish as the ball hit the back of the net. I smiled to myself, catching my breath when a slow clap from behind me caught my attention. I turned around and saw Jamie in a blue track suit staring at me with his dumb cocky smirk.

He sent me a whistle. “Wow, that was impressive.”

I rolled my eyes, going to grab my ball, ignoring him. That’s what Roy had told me to do. Anytime he was being especially pricky, just ignore him. Nevertheless, he persisted.

“I mean, seriously gaffer, those little tricks would send any opposing team running.”

I kicked the ball up into my hands started off the pitch.

“No wonder they made you a coach. I mean, I could really learn from you.”

The sarcasm dripped from his words like acid, stinging me with every syllable.

“Piss off, Jamie” I spat at him as I brushed past him.

“No seriously, it’s cute! They should put you in the reserves, send you on the field when I’ve sprained me ankle,” he chuckled.

I whipped back around and marched straight up to him. He didn’t move, reveling in the fact that I was angry.

“Why do you have to be such a prick? Huh? Is it impossible to be nice, just once, to me?” I asked him. “To your teammates? To anyone? I promise you; life is a lot more enjoyable when you are.” He rolled his eyes, but his smile began to fade. I continued. “I worked my ass off to get to where I am, just like you did. So, what, you’re talented? So am I. And I certainly don’t need your giant ego getting in the way of my success. So, just leave me alone! Okay?”

His eyes widened slightly as he took in my words. For a second, it looked like he might apologize. But slowly, a sly smile came over his face.

“You think I’m talented?” he smirked, raising an eyebrow.

I shook my head, scoffing in disbelief. “You are unbelievable.”

The surprising thing was my hatred for Jamie had faded as the season went on. The Lasso Effect, however surprising, was truly working. Jamie was changing… for the better. There was even a second where I thought I liked him. The day Dani Rojas arrived and challenged Jamie’s star power was the most fear I’ve seen in him since he arrived. But it wasn’t necessarily fear of being less popular or not scoring the most goals, it looked more like fear of not being needed.

“You know Jamie,” I said to him as he left the locker room. “There’s room on this team for both of you.” Jamie stared at me. I slung my bag over my shoulder before shrugging. “I’m just saying that if you tried to work with him, instead of against him, it could be great for the team.”

I gave him a small smile before walking past him. In some odd way, I understood him. He had been benched at the last game, then spent all day watching someone else do his role and, nearly, just as good as him.

“(Y/N)...”

His voice surprised me. I didn’t expect him to actually have something to say in response. I turned back around, and he approached me.

“Do you think… do you think that the gaffer would replace me? ‘Cos I was a prick ‘n all?” he asked, curiously. He seemed nervous. I could tell he was trying to hide it but his question made me wonder.

“Jamie, you’re too talented to replace. Ted knows that. Just…” I struggled to find the right words. “Try to focus on the team. If you used your skills to uplift your teammates, rather than using it to prove yourself to them… well.” I shrugged. Again, he stared at me, waiting for something to make a point. “I’m just saying you’ve got nothing to prove to us. Just play the game with your mates. It’ll come together.”

“You ready to go?” Keely's voice called from down the hallway.

We both turned and saw her standing near the door. She gave Jamie a smile before her eyes landed on me expectantly.

“See you later, Jamie?” I ventured a kind goodbye.

He grunted at me before turning and walking away. I sighed, disappointed that I hadn’t gotten through to him. What I didn’t see, as I walked away, was Jamie looking over his should at me.

“What was that about?” Keely asked as we walked through the Richmond green.

“He was asking if he was being replace. By Dani.” I admitted. Their relationship hadn’t ended that long ago so I was sure she knew more about his insecurities than I did.

She tsked before responding. “He’s so scared, actually. Like all the time.”

I considered her words. I had admired Jamie for so long. Posters in my room, stats in my journals. But meeting him, it was something completely different. He was so hostile. But fear can do that to someone. I was just about to respond when my phone began to ring. I saw that it was Ted and excused myself to answer. Shortly after I returned to Keely.

“Who was that?” she probed, not looking up from her phone.

“Uh, that was Ted. Apparently, there’s an emergency ‘ghost’ situation and we’re all meeting at the club in 30 minutes?”

Keely looked over at my incredulous. “Ghost?”

“I truly have no idea.”

Nonetheless, I found myself back at the club with a letter from my father in hand. All the boys were there. Well, all except Jamie, who I couldn’t locate. I approached Sam who gave me a rundown of what was happening. We all went in a circle, placing things in a bin to light on fire as a sacrifice to the ghost of Richmond’s past. I couldn’t help asking myself how I got in this situation.

Finally, it was my turn and I took a step forward. I held up the letter from my father.

“This is the letter my dad sent me when I told him I got the job here at Richmond. Must have been about 6 months ago? He was so proud of me. He’s always been the one to encourage me or… support me through all my decision. Even if they were the wrong ones.” A chuckle ripples through the lads and I finish up. “Anyways, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him supporting me my whole life.”

With that, I place the letter in the bin and step back. A voice cleared itself from behind me and I turned to see Jamie. His eyes wouldn’t meet mine as he stepped forward. I moved aside so he could make his way forward. He held up a pair of boots. They were boots his mom gave him. As he spoke, I watched him closely.

“I made a vow to be so tough that he could never call me ‘soft’ again,” he spoke. His voice was sure, but I could hear the slight shake of nerves. “I wonder if sometimes… I forget about making her proud… I don’t think she would be lately…”

He dropped the boots in the bin and took a step back, landing next to me. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, and I could feel him trying not to look at me. I, however, looked up at him. He was so different than he was just a few months ago, on the pitch, in the cold hours of the morning. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and I gave him a small nudge. He looked down slightly, and I gave him a comforting smile.

He tried to roll his eyes, but I could see the twitch of his lips in the semblance of a smile. Before Ted could light the fire inside, Coach Beard made the wonderful comment about going outside to light it. Jamie and I walked next to each other as we made our way outside.

“So,” I ventured. “Dad’s, huh?”

“What are you on about?” he questioned, looking over at me, finally.

“I don’t know I was just making conversation,” I defended myself, holding up my hands.

“I just went on about how much of a dickhead my dad is and you want to make conversation about it?” he retorted, raising an eyebrow.

I pursed my lips. “I guess?”

He tried to frown but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips.

“That’s mental,” he decided on.

I smiled, happy that I was able to make him laugh, at least. It made my cheeks burn, and I didn't know why. And it was the last time I would see Jamie for a long time.

After that night, I looked forward to seeing him again the next day. But when I arrived at the office, I was met with Ted storming out of the down the hallway. Angrier than I had ever seen him before.

“What’s up with Ted?” I asked Beard as I put my bag down.

“Jamie’s gone,” he answered.

It felt like the world dropped out from under me. I looked over into the locker room and found his space empty. I struggled to speak.

“What?” I managed to get out.

“Man City took him back. Ted’s furious. He’s going to talk to Rebecca right now,” he explained, a frustrated look on his face.

“Oh.”

And that was it. The next time I heard him was on the telly, talking shit about the coaching staff and the team. Saying the same hurtful stuff that he had been all season. As the team let out shouts at him, I couldn’t help but feel sad. I wanted to be angry with him, but the feeling wouldn’t come. Just the look of nerves and fear on his face as he placed his boots in the ghost bin that night. And more importantly, the guy who had come out of his shell around the fire. Smiling and singing with this teammate. That Jamie, who was gone.

#jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt #eventual fluff #enemies to lovers #angst #jamie tartt imagine #jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt x y/n #ted lasso #ted lasso show

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