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Where do you feel most at ease within your dynamic, and what contributes to that feeling of safety or trust?

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💥 It’s Live! The New Submissive Guide Has Arrived! 💥

Our site just got a fresh makeover and we want YOU to be the first to see it!

Head to 🔗https://submissiveguide.com and take a look for yourself.

Drop a 🖤 in the comments if you love it, and let us know which new feature is your favorite!

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Ask Subguide - What are boundaries (not hard/soft limits)?

Full Question: What does it mean when people say work on having/enforcing boundaries? What are boundaries? (not hard/soft limits).

Answer:

This answer comes from Mrs. Darling! You can read her articles and other contributions on Submissive Guide.

I think it is important to divide this into parts A and B. Part A is about establishing a difference between boundaries and limits, and Part B is about enforcing those personal boundaries. 

PART A: I see hard and soft limits as PLAY-SPECIFIC terms that are negotiated with a Dominant/play partner prior to engaging in some BDSM scene. Some examples are soft limits (in some way negotiable/acceptable in-scene), including kissing on the mouth without tongue, bondage allowed with specific materials but only legs, and play to be between 20-30 minutes. Hard limits MUST happen/be respected in play, such as NO penetration from anything, whips not allowed, and no exchange of fluids. Limits are paired with safe words that are understood and respected by both parties in play. 

BOUNDARIES, on the other hand, can be about engaging inside AND outside of play. These are personal restrictions that may be a part of a dynamic (I, for instance, do not hug community members that my Sir does not know/approve) or part of your preference as an individual. Examples may include things like monogamous relationships only, not moving forward physically without a sexual health screening /conversation, or even just not wanting to meet privately and being more comfortable meeting a community member at a coffee shop or munch. You can have boundaries for friendships, BDSM events, potential partners, or even D/s relationships. For example, a submissive can have a boundary of “no D/s messaging or talking during work and family time.” If those boundaries are crossed, it would be time to have an out-of-dynamic discussion with the person. 

PART B: enforcing those boundaries. I think it is important to find and use your voice in the kink community early on. In advance of events or meetings, it is helpful to create a written list of boundaries you personally have and even practice speaking them aloud. But of course, there are some boundaries you don’t know you have until you are in the situation. So be ready to use that voice when the time arises! If somebody moves to hug you, be prepared to step back with a hand out and clearly voice, “I do not hug people I do not know; thank you for respecting my boundaries.” I always advise newcomers joining the scene that if you are not comfortable saying “no” clearly, you are not ready to say “yes” to play. Establishing boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, but with time and practice, you will find that you get exactly what you want out of the lifestyle. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Good luck!

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Ask Subguide - How do I handle sub frenzy when I'm alone?

Full Question: How do I handle sub frenzy when I'm alone?

Answer:

Sub frenzy is a state of intense emotional arousal, often characterized by feelings of restlessness, anxiety, and an overwhelming desire for submission or connection. It’s that "OMG I gotta have it all right now!" feeling many of us get when we first learn something new and interesting about our kinks. It also happens when we meet a too-good-to-be-true Dominant that has swept us off our feet. It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you're solo.

Here are some strategies to help you cope:

Grounding techniques can be a lifesaver. Focus on your breath, body, and surroundings. Practice mindfulness meditation, yoga, or calming activities like reading or listening to soothing music.

Self-care is essential. Ensure you get enough rest, eat well, and exercise regularly. If you work up a sweat and burn some calories, you will feel similar to what you would get in a play session. The harder you work out, the higher the intensity of your feelings during and afterward. A healthy body and mind can help regulate your emotions.

Get perspective. Writing down your feelings, desires, and thoughts to process and release them can help you identify patterns and gain insight into your emotions. You are not alone. Understanding that submissives exist doing exactly what you want to be doing is comforting. It can ground you a bit, especially if you contact them and talk to them through email about how you are feeling.

Connect with others. Contact friends, join online forums or support groups, or attend local kink events. Sharing your experiences with others who understand can be incredibly helpful.

Remember, you're not alone, and with time and practice, you'll learn to manage your sub frenzy. Be patient, kind, and compassionate with yourself as you navigate these feelings.

Stay strong, and stay grounded! -----

Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

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You asked for submissive journal prompts, and we delivered! Get the book, or sign up to receive daily prompts directly to your inbox. http://subgui.de/365days

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How, when, and why did you start Submissive Guide?

In 2003, I started a website on Geocities (does anyone remember that site?). It was just to collect and chronicle my exploration of BDSM and the information I picked up from home pages, pre-blogs, and pre-resource sites. The internet was in its infancy, folks. One of the most significant sites of the time was called Castle Realm; you can find an archive of that homepage on the Wayback Machine. When I met KnyghtMare in late 2003, he purchased a domain for me to collect information on and where my first blog lived. That site is The Iron Gate. It still has all the essays and information I had gathered. The blog no longer exists, and the site has undergone many changes. Right now, it just sits and gets a bit of monthly traffic. The information hasn’t aged well, but some are good. You might enjoy the essays section!

After KnyghtMare moved here and we were getting serious about exploring kink and finding accurate information, I couldn’t find information about submission that wasn’t Gorean-centered or more fantastical. None of it felt like it applied to real life, and it certainly wasn’t common sense. So, I started another site called Sensual-Service (also archived on Wayback Machine), which focused on the female submissive's submission and service. It did well, and it motivated me to branch out further, stop focusing on female submission, and make it about submission as a whole.

At the time, I was in a few forums and discussion groups online for submissives, and they expressed that lack of factual, real-life application sort of information took a lot of work to find. That pushed me to think I could provide a place to gather that information and continue sharing what I was learning about myself and submission.

In late 2008, KnyghtMare purchased another domain for me, Submissive Guide! I started working really hard on what I was going to put on it, but its sole purpose was to share what I was learning and thinking about submission in the hope it would help others grow in their submission. Submissive Guide went live on January 1, 2009.

Over time, the site's purpose grew and changed. Submissive Guide’s current purpose is:

To provide education for submissives and their partners that help them live healthy consensual D/s dynamics

To dispel BDSM myths and misinformation by offering common-sense, real-world examples and first-hand experience.

To build a supportive community of members with a wide variety of experiences and dynamics.

In order to build on our purpose, we began to include other people’s viewpoints, guest authors, and more in-depth articles versus the blog-style short posts that were more common at the beginning of the site. By 2018, it housed over 1800 posts written by dozens of authors, bringing over 350,000 pageviews each month. 

That’s when Submissive Guide became more than a site. KnyghtMare and I brainstormed ways to make the educational experience of Submissive Guide approachable and affordable. Social media channels blossomed. I started producing ebooks and physical guides on Amazon. Then came an educational podcast and bigger dreams.

Our Patreon page helps us move forward with that plan where we hope to offer guided lessons on topics, self-paced classes using the information on Submissive Guide, and other places to help submissives learn more about themselves than simply reading an article can do. We’re so excited about the future of Submissive Guide as an educational hub for submissives and can’t wait to release our first lessons and classes for patrons.