submissiveguide

[submissiveguide]

Rate your current kink life on a scale of 1-10 and describe why you've rated it that way.

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Ask Subguide - What kinds of punishments and rewards would you implement into a personal protocol as a single submissive?

Full Question: During my research on Submissive Guide, I've learned about personal protocol. I don't have a dom currently and am looking to understand more about punishments and rewards for personal protocol. What kinds of punishments and rewards do you implement into your personal protocol, or would you recommend for a sub without a dom? 

Answer:

One of the questions we get asked often is about personal protocol—what it is, how to approach it, and how to keep it meaningful when you're unpartnered.

Let’s start with a quick definition:

Submissive protocol is a structured set of rules, rituals, or behaviors designed to align with your values as a submissive. It’s a way to bring intention and purpose to your daily life, helping you feel connected to your role even without a Dominant.

If you’re exploring personal protocol solo, you might wonder: “How do I implement rewards and punishments for myself?” Here's our advice:

Rewards:

Progress and consistency deserve to be celebrated! Rewards can be as simple or elaborate as you’d like. Here are a few ideas:

Treat yourself to something small, like your favorite coffee or dessert.

Create a “milestone journal” to write down successes and reflect on how far you’ve come.

Dedicate time for a special self-care ritual—think bubble baths, a cozy reading session, or extra time for a hobby.

The key is to choose rewards that genuinely make you feel proud and cared for.

Punishments:

This might surprise some of you, but we don’t recommend punishment in personal protocol. Why? Punishments often foster negative self-talk and guilt, which can derail your progress. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, try this approach:

Recognize the slip-up.

Reflect on what caused it. Were your expectations too high? Did something unexpected get in the way?

Adjust your protocol as needed and use the moment as a chance to learn.

Mistakes aren’t failures—they’re opportunities to grow and refine what works best for you.

A learning mindset will always take you further than self-punishment.

What rewards motivate you? How do you handle slip-ups in your personal protocol? Let’s talk about it below!

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What is your submissive style? Are you bratty, reserved, outspoken, angelic? Does your style work well with your partner? Is there a different style that comes out in play vs. the everyday relationship?

You asked for submissive journal prompts, and we delivered! Get the book, or sign up to receive daily prompts directly to your inbox. http://subgui.de/365days

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Ask Subguide - Should the non-kinky person make an effort to accommodate the kinky person's needs and wants even if they are not interested?

Full Question: Should the non-kinky person make an effort to accommodate the kinky person's needs and wants even if they are not interested?

Answer:

Short answer: no. And the kinky person shouldn’t expect you to. 

In any healthy relationship, whether kinky or not, communication, respect, and mutual understanding are key. If one partner has specific needs or desires, the other person needs to be open to listening and discussing them, even if they don’t share those interests. However, this doesn’t mean they are obligated to engage in activities they are uncomfortable with or interested in. It’s all about finding a balance that respects both partners’ boundaries and desires.

The non-kinky person may not need to participate directly, but showing empathy and making an effort to understand their partner’s needs can strengthen the relationship. They could:

Support their partner by learning more about their desires

Accept their desire to explore their kink needs through online play and relationships

Help them find ways to fulfill those needs by opening the relationship to others 

The book When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt will help communicate and show where your partner stands with kink.

At the end of the day, both partners should feel respected and valued, regardless of whether they share the same interests. Healthy compromises and clear communication will allow the relationship to thrive while honoring each person’s comfort level.

Unfortunately, sometimes, the desire to explore BDSM and D/s is overpowering and not something you can ignore. Ending the relationship so that you can find partners to fulfill all of your needs is a viable, although difficult, option. If expecting your partner to accept the above options is fruitless, this may be the only other course of action.

Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

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Do you feel okay taking a day off and doing nothing productive for a whole day? Why or why not?

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Ask Subguide - Can Two Submissives Have a Relationship?

Full Question: Can two BDSM submissives have a regular vanilla relationship? What happens as the couple grows closer, and one person wants the other to change to a Top/Dom?

Answer:

This answer comes from Mrs. Darling! You can read her articles and other contributions on Submissive Guide.

Let’s start by saying there is no “normal relationship.” Can two submissives have a successful vanilla relationship together? The answer is “yes, two people can have a healthy/happy relationship if they are both being fulfilled as a person.” But the crux is that “fulfillment” part. 

I know after self–reflection that I could not live without participating in a Dominant/submissive dynamic. So hypothetically, if I had a submissive partner, several options for me to be fulfilled would be: take turns switching so we both are fulfilled s-types at varying times, both of us simply enjoy being submissive with each other and encourage serving each other, or to delegate out the Dominance/Topping in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) agreement that suits both partners. 

I would start by journaling what is important to us as submissives, writing out what words and actions make each party feel like they are fulfilled (is it play? or service?), writing what actions that seem Dominant each is willing to perform (or not comfortable doing), and how each person feels about ENM in very specific terms. Then a conversation can take place- either alone together or with a kink-aware counselor- to come up with a plan on how each submissive can enjoy their vanilla relationships as well as feel fulfilled as an s-type. 

OP asks: “What happens as a couple grows closer and one wants the other to change to a Top/Dom?” Well... I think that comes down to self-reflection and the ability to honestly convey what you are comfortable with. We know how to make compromises in our vanilla relationships. I, for example, became a vegetarian. When I switched from omnivore to vegetarian, my husband and I  had to compromise to get to a place where we both felt fulfilled. Each of us laid out many options. We found a solution that made us both feel heard. 

The same holds true in Power Exchange dynamics. Two parties need to have in-depth conversations about how they could feel happy & fulfilled. “I am not comfortable doing any Dominant activities” is a valid POV; it may mean the relationship can’t be fulfilled without ENM options. But if you can find specific compromises like “I am comfortable with once weekly in-scene play where we will take turns Topping with impact tools, and after play we provide aftercare from within our egalitarian, loving relationship,” you will be headed to a happy & healthy relationship together. Expect the need for constant, continued conversation to be sure each party is satisfied. But this is the case for all kinky- and vanilla- relationships. 

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Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

[submissiveguide]

Discord Munch | Feb 13 7PM CST | Submissive Guide

Our Discord community munch is happening again this Thursday, and we can't wait to see you all there! 🥳✨

It's a perfect opportunity to connect with fellow members, share experiences, and simply enjoy each other's company.

This month’s topic: Beginning Toys and Tools 💡 Let’s dive into meaningful conversations while connecting with like-minded folks. 💬✨

Not sure what to expect? Don't worry! A munch is a social gathering for kink-interested people. So, come as you are and bring your positive vibes! Let's make this Thursday an unforgettable one. 🌟

🕒 Date & Time: This Thursday, February 13, 7:00 PM CST

📍 Location: Our Discord Server https://subgui.de/chat

See you there, friends! 😄🎉 

[submissiveguide]

This week's Journal Prompt: Am I holding myself to a standard of 'perfection' in my submission? How can I remind myself that submission is a journey, not a destination?

[submissiveguide]

Ask Subguide - How Do I Reconnect with My Submission When I Feel Disconnected?

Full Question: I’ve been with Master for almost 9 months, and although I love our relationship, I feel there is a disconnect with my submission. Recently, I’ve been acting out and just messing up. It’s not all a conscious decision; I just do some of it without thought or plan. I don’t know how to get out of this mindset. It’s frustrating me when all I want to do is behave.  

Answer:

First, let me reassure you that what you're experiencing is not unusual. Many submissives encounter moments where their connection to their submission feels strained or disrupted. The reasons for this can be both external and internal, and recognizing these influences is the first step toward understanding and addressing the issue.

External factors like stress, illness, or an overloaded schedule can take up mental and emotional energy, leaving little room to focus on your submissive mindset. On the other hand, internal factors—such as feeling unvalued, lacking recognition for your efforts, or perceiving inconsistencies in your Dominant's engagement—can subtly erode the foundation of your dynamic.

When these feelings arise, it’s important to pause and reflect on what might be contributing to them. Some questions to consider:

Are there external stressors in your life that could be affecting your mood or energy?

Are you feeling truly seen, appreciated, and guided in your dynamic?

Has your Dominant been consistent in their role, or could they be unintentionally contributing to the disconnect?

Once you have a sense of what might be happening, the next step is open communication. Scheduling a couple's meeting is a constructive way to share your feelings and explore the situation together. Approach this conversation with the goal of collaboration rather than blame. Share your experiences honestly, and invite your partner to share their observations as well. It’s possible they’ve noticed the disconnect but didn’t know how to address it.

During your discussion, you might identify areas where adjustments could help. For instance:

Revisiting rules or rituals to ensure they still resonate with both of you.

Creating opportunities for more consistent check-ins or affirmations of your dynamic.

Addressing any barriers, like life stressors or communication gaps, that are impacting your connection.

It’s also important to give yourself grace during this time. Submission, like any other aspect of life, is not a constant state of perfection. If external circumstances are demanding your attention, it’s okay to acknowledge that and focus on maintaining the connection as best you can. You’re not failing; you’re navigating a temporary challenge.

Finally, if you find it helpful, you might explore some activities or practices that reinforce your submissive mindset, such as journaling, meditative exercises, or revisiting your personal goals as a submissive. These tools can serve as gentle reminders of the fulfillment and joy you find in your dynamic.

Remember, a strong dynamic is built on understanding and mutual effort. By addressing these feelings together, you’re not only working to reconnect with your submission but also strengthening your relationship overall.

I hope this helps you on your journey. You’re not alone, and these moments can be powerful opportunities for growth and deeper connection.

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Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

[submissiveguide]

Am I carrying any emotional weight that isn’t serving me or my submission? What might I need to let go of?

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Ask Subguide - Can you have different tolerances to pain over time?

Full Question: I’ve identified as a masochist for a fair bit now, but I have recently discovered that I can’t handle as much as I used to. I’m just wondering, can someone who once enjoyed pain not enjoy it as much anymore? 

Answer:

It's absolutely possible for a masochist's tolerance or preference for pain to change over time. There are several factors that could contribute to this shift:

Life Changes: Stress, medication, health issues, and significant life events can alter your pain threshold and the way you experience sensation.

Desensitization: Over time, repeated exposure to intense stimuli can lead to desensitization. You might find that activities that once provided the desired level of pain no longer have the same impact. The term ‘leather butt’ is when your buttocks become leathery from built up scar tissue, and desensitized from nerve damage often from regular hard spankings and impact play.

Evolution of Kink: As you grow and evolve, so too might your kinks. What you enjoyed in the past might not align with your current desires or needs.

Psychological Factors: Mental health, emotional state, and even the dynamic with your partner(s) can influence your experience of pain.

Physical Changes: Aging, fitness levels, and changes in body composition can affect how you perceive pain.

Here's what you can do:

Reassess Your Limits: Have an open conversation with your partner(s) about your current limits and how they may have changed.

Explore New Sensations: Try different types of play or sensations to find what works for you now.

Focus on Aftercare: Ensure that you have robust aftercare practices in place to help you process and recover from scenes.

Seek Professional Advice: If the change is concerning or abrupt, consider speaking with a kink-aware therapist or medical professional.

Remember, it's okay for your relationship with pain to change. The key is to communicate openly and adjust your play to suit your current comfort and tolerance levels. Your well-being and consent are paramount in any BDSM dynamic.

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Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

[submissiveguide]

Submissive Guide’s Patreon Relaunch is Here! 🎉

We’ve been working behind the scenes to create something special for you! Submissive Guide’s Patreon relaunch is LIVE and packed with new benefits:

✨ Early access to guides and resources. 🎓 Exclusive mini-classes designed for growth. 💬 Live Q&As to answer your questions and deepen your journey.

Supporting Submissive Guide helps us continue creating affirming, practical education for submissives and their partners. Together, we’re building a stronger, more informed community. 💕

Explore the new Patreon tiers here!

[submissiveguide]

Is there a part of my submission (physical, mental, or emotional) that I’ve been neglecting? How can I bring attention to it today?

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You asked for submissive journal prompts, and we delivered! Get the book, or sign up to receive daily prompts directly to your inbox. http://subgui.de/365days

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Ask Subguide- How do I find a bedroom-only Dominant?

Full Question: I want to be submissive sexually but equal in day-to-day life. How to find a partner?

Answer:

The term you’re likely going to be using more readily while you search for a partner is “bedroom-only” submissive. And your partner would then be a “bedroom-only” Dominant. This type of relationship is more common than you might think. Many individuals crave a sense of surrender and exploration in their sexual lives while still maintaining autonomy and mutual respect in their daily interactions. It's all about finding a partner who shares your values and is willing to navigate this dynamic with you.

To find a compatible partner, consider the following tips:

Be Open and Honest: When getting to know someone, be upfront about your desires and boundaries. This will help you weed out those who aren't comfortable with your needs.

Communicate Your Needs: Clearly express your expectations for a balanced dynamic, where you can surrender sexually while maintaining equality in daily life.

Explore Online Communities: Join online forums, social media groups, and dating platforms that cater to individuals with similar interests. This can help you connect with like-minded people who share your desires.

Attend BDSM and Kink Events: Attend workshops, conferences, and social gatherings focused on BDSM and kink. These events can provide a safe space to meet potential partners who understand and respect your desires.

Finding a partner who understands and respects your needs takes time and effort. Be patient, and don't be afraid to communicate your desires and boundaries. With persistence and an open mind, you can find a partner who shares your vision for a balanced and fulfilling relationship.

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Do you have a question for Ask Submissive Guide? Ask in the comments, send me a message, or leave it anonymously here - https://bit.ly/AskSubGuide

[submissiveguide]

What feedback (explicit or implied) did I receive from my Dominant today, and how did it make me feel?

[submissiveguide]

Ask Subguide - Advice for Newly Discovered Submission in a Committed Relationship

Full Question: Do you have any advice for someone already in a committed relationship (marriage, for example) who discovers that she is submissive or at least has submissive tendencies? Until this discovery, the sex was mostly vanilla with very light choking play occasionally (so my partner MIGHT have some interest).

Answer:

This answer comes from Mrs. Darling! You can read her articles and other contributions on Submissive Guide.

I have lived this and have a success story to share! My Dominant and I transitioned from a vanilla, egalitarian marriage to a kinky D/s one and are living the marriage of our dreams now. 

Here are some of my best tips from when I swallowed my fear and admitted my desire to submit in the bedroom (and eventually outside of it.)

 1. If you already have some reference to the partner being interested, just rip off the band-aid. I like to suggest using a frame of reference to BDSM- an episode of a show or movie that features D/s, maybe a book or social media post. When you are both together and feeling brave, say, “I saw XYZ, and I got to say, I thought it was kind of hot. Do you think it is too?” Then, listen to the response. 

2.  Clear, honest answers get you further faster. Be sure to take time to analyze internally what you are interested in and not. Be ready to clearly state what interests you. 

3. Be prepared for them to not give the ideal response and give space for them to answer. Maybe even start with, “I have something important to talk to you about, and I want you to know you don’t have to respond right now. I have been thinking about it, so I know how I feel, but I understand if you want to take a few days to consider how you feel, and we can talk about it when you do.” 

4. If your partner is interested, spend some time discussing what it is to try out first. Cite specific acts that would make you excited to start trying (“ I would like to be bound with rope to our bed while you use my body”) and together research info about aftercare and sub-drop as a good start to play. 

5. If they are not interested, be ready to discuss the future implications of that difference of interests. My husband and I were lucky in that he was as interested in Dominating as I was in submitting. But this is only sometimes the case; you must be ready for that conversation. 

Try to stay flexible in your desires and expectations of their response, and you will be well on your way to possibly getting started submitting! 

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[submissiveguide]

Where do you feel most at ease within your dynamic, and what contributes to that feeling of safety or trust?

You asked for submissive journal prompts, and we delivered! Get the book, or sign up to receive daily prompts directly to your inbox. http://subgui.de/365days