#-too embarrassed to name myself after a character so I made roman and Virgil my middle names

[boygirlctommy]

mmmm welp it’s almost midnight and I’m tired so this is the perfect time to drop my new names :] hellow nice to meet you I’m mars orpheus theseus caleb hunter ghost ^_^

[dukeofonions]

So I thought I’d try something a little different (and slightly more fun than my usual saltiness) and do my own little personal ranking of Sanders Sides episodes! 

Now I actually haven’t watched anything from the series for awhile so these rankings are going to be based purely on my own memories of each episode and how much I remember enjoying them. I’ll also be splitting the rankings up so I’ll do season one today and season two later on.

Eventually I want to go back and actually rewatch everything but I’ll probably wait until the season two finale comes out (whenever the heck that will be) but until then I think this will cover it.

Also important to note is that I will not be counting Asides in this since 

1. I’m salty

 2. It’s not supposed to be Sanders Sides anyway so why include it?

and 3. I’m very salty.

Alright, let the ranking begin!

Dang, can you believe season one has seventeen episodes? Starting with My True Identity on October 19th, 2016 and ending with Accepting Anxiety on July 15th, 2017. 

These episodes were a lot shorter too. The longest one, Growing Up, is only about 15 minutes long (14:39 to be exact because I already have the playlist pulled up to get all these references so I might as well use the info I have) and the shortest episode was Way Too Adult that barely makes it to the four minute mark. (Okay it’s 4:18 but that’s still closer to four) 

It’s really interesting to see how much the series changed just throughout season one alone, especially once it shifts from just being a silly series of one shots to a series with more fleshed out characters and beginning to scratch the surface of dealing with heavier topics. 

How did it do for me personally? Well if you made it this far I assume you actually want to know my opinion so I’ll go ahead and tell you...

For real now, let the ranking begin!

*cue drum roll*

#17 I'm in a Disney Show

Yeah this one is pretty forgettable, and it really sticks out like a sore thumb among the other episodes in this series since it’s based on something that happened in real Thomas’s life and later on they try to establish that Sanders Sides isn’t about real Thomas. Not only that there wasn’t much in this episode that stuck out as funny to me. The only bit I actually remember laughing at was when the Sides were throwing around click bait titles. 

So yeah, boring episode, feels out of place, moving on.

#16 Becoming a Cartoon

Like with the last one this one is just very forgettable to me. It also features someone who turned out to be a pretty shitty person so I can’t even watch it without feeling uncomfortable.

The only thing I remember laughing at was Patton holding a potato. 

#15 My True Identity

Okay I know it’s harsh putting the first episode so low on the list, especially when most of my problems with it stem from it being made before there were any intentions to make it a series, but like the first two it’s also kinda boring. I mean on it’s own it does a good job of introducing people to the basic idea of the series and gives an idea of what the characters are like, but they all basically act like the same person (yes I’m aware of the irony) with just one or two minor things to set them apart. 

Can’t really hate this one like the other two since, again, this was made with no intention of plot or character development, so it’s only this low because it doesn’t really stick out to me. But hey, it did its job at getting people interested in the characters so in that aspect it did its job perfectly.

#14 Taking On Anxiety

Oh the second hand embarrassment in this episode is too much to bear. Honestly any episode that has Thomas interacting with someone from real life just feels so weird to me and takes me out of the episode. However, I do actually have a bit more positive things to say about this one. The advice they give is actually helpful, and my gosh I love pre-AA Virgil. 

The snark, the sass, it’s easy to see why he became a fan favorite so fast. And fortunately for me, there’s plenty of episodes for me to love him in before I start to hate him. 

#13 Way Too Adult

This is gonna sound repetitive but again, forgettable. Doesn’t give me second hand embarrassment or make me feel negative in any way so that’s why it’s higher than the others. And hey, 13 is one of my favorite numbers so that’s gotta count for something right?

The best part of this episode is Patton, I really miss the earlier version of him where he actually took on more of a fatherly figure and had more of a serious side. Not that I don’t like him now and I still think he’s one of the better written in the series (more on that in another post) but it’s kinda nice to see him being portrayed in a way that doesn’t feel like he’s being dumbed down for laughs or is just sad and confused.

#12 The Mind vs The Heart

Or as I like to call it “Selfishness vs Selflessness in Five Minutes.” This episode is way too relatable which is both fun but also I don’t need the reminder that I can’t say “no” to people, but that’s a me problem not the episode’s. I like the format of using cutaways to show examples of how Logan and Patton clash in Thomas’s day to day life and honestly I wish they’d use it more since I think they only do it in this episode and in Growing Up but I could be wrong and I’m too lazy to check.

All in all this a cute little episode (and not cute for the reason you might think) and I enjoy it. 

#11 Accepting Anxiety Part One

Honestly not much to say about this one? It’s funny watching Thomas’s antics while the Sides have to try and figure out what’s going on. Which is a nice change of pace from the usual “The Sides are being goofy and zany and Thomas has to try and get them on track” that I kinda notice throughout season one and that starts to change to become the norm in season two, but I’ll get to that later. 

Reason this one isn’t as high as others is just because besides that one gimmick of Thomas saying and doing silly stuff is that there isn’t much beyond that, and of course that’s just because this is the first part of a two part episode so I’ll give it grace for that. Still a great set up though and is funny on its own. 

#10 The Dark Side of Disney

Alright, we’ve made it to the top 10! Here’s where things start to get interesting.

Personally, I find this episode hilarious because I do this kind of stuff to “kid’s films” all the time. Never to actual kids but to adults, it’s fun to see just how dark I’ll go. 

Of course this isn’t really what the episode does, it talks more about the messages in these movies as opposed to talking about how “dark” they are. Which, now that I look back I clicked on this episode thinking that it was going to be a part of the latter and had no idea it was a Sanders Sides episode. Maybe that’s how I found the series? I always forget which episode was my first...

Back to the episode, it also establishes Virgil and Roman’s little dynamic of being rivals and I love it. They have some of the best exchanges in the series and it’s fun watching them go head to head here, and even bonding a little as well. All in all, fun episode that provides some good character moments and some laughs. 

#9 A New Year of Lying to Myself... In Song!

Just the song, man. It slaps. 

But am I the only one miffed that Virgil technically got a villain song (about lying no less) and Janus didn’t? Not even an evil reprise? Yeah that’s some bull spit right there.

#8 Growing Up

Aw, the first name reveal episode on this list! This episode is a lot of fun, mostly because of the scenarios they come up with and the little cutaways they add in. Seriously. Just use these more instead of going to these great lengths to show us something that can be accomplished in six seconds of footage. 

It also has one of my favorite moments with Logan quietly asking Patton what they’re doing wrong after Thomas tries to force himself into the “serious adult role.” I really got a soft spot for this episode and honestly talking about it makes me wanna watch it again, but I’ll hold off for now. 

And I think Patton has one of the best name reveals. Like Thomas really thought his name was Pattoncake, and Patton’s reaction is priceless. I still want to know what “Pattoncake” actually is and how it’s played, but part of me also accepts that it’s probably better if we never know. 

#7 Making Some Changes

Why are Thomas’s friends so good at acting as Thomas acting as his characters? Seriously half the time when I watch this episode my brain doesn’t acknowledge that the Sides are now being played by different people until halfway through. 

This episode is one of the funniest in my opinion, and one I remember coming back to a lot. Do I still want an episode where the Sides pretend to be each other? Yes. Do I know it’ll probably never happen and if it did they’d find some way to just make it full of angst? Yes, yes I do.

#6 Alone on Valentine's Day

The first episode to be officially cowritten by Joan, and it’s great. It’s hilarious, and just seeing all the varying ways each Side tries to portray their idea of romance is the cherry on top. What more can I say about this episode other than I’m curious as to what Janus and Remus would have contributed to a conversation like this, maybe they’ll do another episode like this in the future with their inclusion, but who knows what the heck they’re doing at this point.

#5 Sanders Sides Q&A

Top 5 here we go!!! This is when ranking started to get difficult because I love all of these episodes so much. Especially this one. I think I’ve watched this one more than any of them and why not? It’s just pure goofball shenanigans and seriously, Thomas, why haven’t you done another one yet? Especially with Janus and Remus?! I mean I get if you’re waiting for “all the characters” but come on man! I need more of the energy this episode gives off.

#4 My Negative Thinking

This episode made me realize just how underrated Logan and Virgil’s relationship is. It’s also the second entry in the “Logan Fights Everyone” saga. I do love how this episode has actually helped me with my own negative thinking and I just freaking love Virgil’s sass in this. 

Did I mention I also love Logan and Virgil’s friendship? Ah, good times when they all more or less liked each other. 

#3 Losing My Motivation

The set up of this episode is just brilliant. Having it be a “mystery” for Logan to solve with Patton as his sidekick provided a lot of laughs and one of my favorite Logan moments with his little bit he does after realizing he was the “culprit” in all of this. Ugh, I really wanna watch some of these episodes now but I’m gonna hold out. 

One thing is that I feel like Logan got the short end of the stick with his name reveal. Like Patton just casually calls him by his name like it’s no big deal, yet pretty much all of the other names are revealed after some kind of emotional moment and are treated as a big deal. If Patton was comfortable enough to just call Logan by his actual name and Logan himself was fine with it then why didn’t any of them introduce themselves before? There’s not really an explanation within the series itself as to why this is or why the Sides even have names in the first place, like it makes sense why Virgil or Janus would hide their names but Logan, Roman, and Patton have been there since day one so what gives?

My personal headcanon is that the three of them had a bet going on to see how long they could go without calling each other by their names in front of Thomas and Patton lost because he forgot. 

#2 Am I Original?

Look, Roman is my favorite so of course he’s up here! Not only that but this episode resonates with me a lot as a creative person, and I just love watching the Sides trying all the ideas Roman comes up with.

And his name reveal is also great, probably my favorite one, and of course it’s followed by the now infamous, “You’re my hero” line. But I’m just gonna ignore what became of that and focus on the fact that Roman was actually happy at the end of this episode.

#1 Accepting Anxiety Part Two

What can I say other than this was the perfect way to end this season? Virgil has been the outsider of the group since day one, and seeing him go from this snarky antagonist to gradually being tired with the role until he decides that it would be better if he just wasn’t around at all. This episode has some funny moments too, but what sticks out to me are the more emotional ones. 

Roman’s entire speech to Virgil is just *cheff’s kiss* perfection. Their relationship has finally come full circle and when Virgil smiles at him? Ah it’s so good!!! Like the music, the acting, all of it comes together so perfectly and it makes my heart happy. 

Virgil’s name reveal is also great, after being teased about it over and over again we finally get the real thing and it’s executed perfectly. Although my favorite thing about this episode is probably the end card, it’s so sweet and makes me all sentimental. Why? I dunno, I’m supposed to be heartless but I somehow find my heart melting when Patton gives Virgil the card anyway. Ah, I love Virgil’s relationships with the others by the end of this season, and honestly I would have been satisfied if this had been the end of it.

Just a neat little way to wrap up this neat little series. 

Of course we all know that wasn’t the case and oh boy things certainly took a turn, but that is for another post! 

And that was the first part of my ranking! Like I said this list might change once I go back and watch the series again, but I’m pretty sure things won’t change much then. 

I’m actually surprised at how many happy memories I have with the season, like I seriously want to just go back and watch my favorite episodes again because I’m all up in the nostalgia but again, I’ll hold off for now. 

I hope y’all enjoyed this and I’d be curious to see other people’s rankings of season one. I’m glad I was able to have fun with this and just gush about the series for awhile because oh boy I know things are gonna be very different once I get to season two...

[mayflowers07]

While getting very drunk on Valentine’s Day because he is lonely, Deception “Deceit” Sanders drank:

Shots of whiskey

Shots of scotch

Shots of vodka

Numerous beers throughout the day

Numerous beers chugged after walking in on some inappropriate activities he wishes he could unsee

And a cocktail of many dangerous and illegal drugs given to him by Remus

And then retold

The Drunk History of Sanders Sides

Deceit: It’s the winter of 2016...

Roman appears in Virgil’s first video and is like “Yo, I don’t like you”

And Virgil’s like, “Yo, I don’t like you even more!”

“That’s impossible... Do you wanna have an enemies to friends to lovers relationship?”

And Virgil’s like “... yeah... that’s cool.”

And then he’s like “Yo, this is a video about lying to yourself, where’s Deceit?”

And then Logan and Patton have a video together. And Patton’s already adopting Virgil as his and Logan’s kid. Logan is roleplayin’ Sherlock for some fuckin’ reason!

And Virgil keeps showing up in videos for some reason! They start hangin’ out all together. And they're like “Oh, let’s have some fuckin’ name reveals, bitch!” It was like, Logan and fuckin’ Roman and fuckin’ Patton!

Logan said to Virgil, “Yo, we gotta change this shit up! Yo, we’ve already established prinxiety and logicality; let’s get some shit from analogical.”

And so Roman and Patton are like “Yo, that’s dope. But we need Anxiety’s name!” Because Virgil’s still playin’ villain and he needs a redemption arc!

Virgil’s like “Yo! I got character development!”

And they're like “Wait, how do you have character development?”

And he’s like “Yo, watch this: I've always aimed to protect you, but lately... It feels like I've been keeping you from doing anything.”

And they’re like “Oh my god! That sounds like character development!” So they did the arc and Roman confessed his feeling and it was like “You make us...better.”

And then they’re like: “Yo, that's fuckin’ perfect. This is famIlY.” And they made fun group content like, Gryffindor Roman, Ravenclaw Logan, Hufflepuff Patton, and Slytherin Virgil. Everyone is in a Hogwarts house, everybody loves it.

Virgil, correcting Deceit off camera: Dee, I never picked a house. That was the whole point.

Deceit, ignoring Virgil: Virgil the Slytherin! Virgil the Huffleclaw!

Virgil is a motherfuckin’ Divergent, and it's real and it doesn't matter.

And Patton talked to everyone and he was like “Yo, what the FUCK! Yo, my character arc is gonna be fuckin’ DOPE!”

So Patton was real sad and angsty for a while, and it was called: Nostaligia Part One and Two.

They didn’t mention the dark sides! They waited like three or four episodes for a dark side to show up.

The four episodes were like: Purple Isn’t A Hogwarts House, I Wonder If We Should Listen To Logan More, Oh Fuck We Should… The fourth one was like a LAMP Christmas musical or something.

And they were like, “Yo, we need Deceit. Deceit. Pretend to be Patton. Fuckin' do it.” And I did it, and I killed it.

I was like, tell the child their hamster died!

Fucking with Virgil! Revealing myself to Thomas! Silencing Logan! Playing the shit! Killing these bitches! Wrapping it out!

Deceit off camera to Logan: You just ate three fuckin’ jars of Crofters! What the fuck is going on?!

Deceit: “We should get a Roman vs Logan. 'Cause logince is a fuckin’ valid ship.”

And Roman was like “Yo, if you can make Logan more popular then me, which is not fuckin' hard, I will have a breakdown during the musical."

Logan was like ”Yo! Thomas’ got this problem that’s fuckin’ Roman’s fault, dude! It's called emotional repression. Hey wait, it's gonna be called my problem too, and it's gonna be fuckin' huge.”

And then Virgil’s like "I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it me. Halloween’s gonna be emo as hell”

And they made a song with puppets it was fucking dope and it talked about all of their emotional problems.

Like: one issue, two issues, three! Three, two one! Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! TEN TO ONE!

Virgil was like, “I’ve got a secret!”

Patton was like, “I’m losing touch with Virgil!”

Roman and Logan were like, “We’re the functional ones for once!”

And Deceit had nothing to do with the last four episodes. And Virgil was like “That's good!”

I was like “Yo, fuck the wedding! Thomas can do whatever he want!”

Logan was like “Yeah, it's cool man, whatever… I don’t have feelings.”

And then Roman was like “Eh… I agree with Deceit but...!”

And Patton was like "Morality is fuckin’ great. Because it makes you be a good person. Which a lot of times, Thomas is not a good person. And I wanna change that. I wanna make sure everybody thinks that Thomas is a good person.”

Deceit: *starts throwing up in the garbage can beside him*

Deceit: I'm good so far.

Patton: You wanna spit one more time?

Deceit: No, I’m fine

Deceit: *sits back up in his chair and starts giggling as he looks around*

Deceit: ...Shut the fuck!..

Deceit: So Thomas was like “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed about these intrusive thoughts!”

And then I saw the intrusive thoughts, and I was like “Eh, it's not bad. It's honest. Let’s be real, you wanted to be honest.”

Thomas decides to miss the callback and I am so fuckin’ pissed

I’m like “Yo, fuck you guys!”

And I’m like “Yo! Another video where I get shut down? Yo, fuck these dudes! We're gonna fucking go miles above! We're gonna send in Remus to win the fight!”

But he didn’t! Because he couldn’t fuck with Logan.

Apparently, Remus was like: “Oh, shit you can’t get rid of me.” And they didn’t but Logan taught them to ignore him.

Dude, Remus was like "What the FUCK?”

Oh, you don’t fuckin’ listen to the dark sides. It's like, fuck you!

So intrusive thoughts happen, we fuckin' have a whole video of awesomeness!

Like, Remus is cumming on himself, 'cause it's so big!

Remus was like “Yo, I gotta have a name reveal” meaning, Virgil was like “Yo, I gotta reveal my secret bro”

And Roman’s like, “My brother is the source of my insecurities! Ahhh!”

And Patton’s like “Yo, I need to accept Thomas’ flaws cause he’s a fuckin’ good person.”

And Logan’s like “I’m just gonna solve everyone’s problems and be the fuckin’ coolest.”

And they were like, “Alright, this shits been super angsty. We gotta fuckin’ come back man. We gotta come back domestic and cute af!”

Deceit: *looks around for something*

Deceit: You took my hat away, what the fuck?!

Roman: No, Remus poured beer in it to chug so we left it on the counter!

Logan: Yeah, it’s right next to you

Deceit: Whatever. So the next vid is like, we gotta make this shit legit. We’re gonna have a fuckin’ fanfic movie night and we’re gonna give in to the Mouse Corporation

Deceit: *grabs his hat and puts it on as Patton and Roman scream at him to stop and beer pours out on his head*

Deceit: What the fuck is this on my head, did I puke on myself?

Virgil: No, you poured beer all over yourself.

Deceit: Oh god...

Deceit: So Thomas was like: “Yo, next episode we're gonna have Roman and Patton scrap. It’s a right brain fight night.”

And that’s all. And that’s all that matters. And that is how the fucking story goes.

Deceit: *stands up to take a bow*

Everyone: *starts applauding and whooping off camera*

[cheseyre]

good news, sluts! my brain's no longer being completely stupid (only mostly), i've seen the new asides and...have some thought-y thot thoughts:

*deep inhale*

Okay, first things first: this art style is soooo fucking cUTE and I'm a jealous, squealing bitch. Anyone who knows who the artist is, could you link me to them, stat? I think Thomas mentioned them at the beginning of the ep, but nYeh, brain hurt, doesn't wanna do wooork-

Okay, I'll admit, I was a little...apprehensive when I first saw the thumbnail and title. Part of it's just me being a bitter Remus Stan, but also...okay, deep breaths, controversial opinion time, get ready:

I don't ship Prinxiety.

Like, at all. 

I can see the appeal, and these dorks were so very, VERY cute in this particular ep, but I was honestly turned off by the ship long ago due to how overwhelmingly popular it is and how some fans characterize these two and treat this relationship as if it's the only valid one, y'know, the works—slight tangent, but that's also why I don't ship Logicality or Remile. I honestly vibe much better with ships like Roceit or Analogical, y'know?

Cutting in for another brief tangent: I'm surprisingly okay with Demus/Dukeceit/Receit/Trashnoodle/Whatever-Their-Ship-Name-Is-Oh-God-Why-Do-They-Have-So-Many-Fucking-Names; maybe it's cause they haven't actually interacted in canon and the fan content gives me such good Gay Disney Villain content, idk man im weird—).

Still, their interactions were both hilarious and sweet and like I said, I see the appeal, it's just not my cup of tea. y'all Prinxiety fans got fucking FED and I'm happy for you nerds. Enjoy ze happy boys!

I guess another factor in my...low-key hesitance when I first saw what the ep was about is that...okay, get ready, another controversial opinion, le gasp: well, I'm not a big Virgil fan. In fact, at times, he swaps places with Patton as my least favorite sides—especially with some of his recent behavior in eps like DWIT (the "prohibit your breathing comment" really triggered me, for example). Sometimes, his attitude, especially around other sides like Roman or Janus, reminds me a little too much of my sister, who I don't have...a very good relationship with. Add to that how the more...intense side of the fandom has a disturbing tendency to turn him into the 'uwu precious woobie emo baby who can do no wrong' while unnecessarily villainizing other CERTAIN sides in the process, and...I think you all see where I'm going with this little rant 😅

However, upon actually watching the ep, he wasn't...that bad? I don't think? I enjoyed watching him be a flustered, disaster-y mess and genuinely excited at the end, his interactions with Roman were nice enough, and him literally pushing Thomas to make a move with Nico despite his obvious panic attack was a nice moment of genuine character development. I like seeing that, that's the good shit right there. And him being all flustered and shit, and smiling so much at the end of the vid was just...well, adorable. This man has no fucking right to be this cute, my god

alsoooo 

pURPLE EYESHADOW

PURPLE EYESHADOW HE LOOKS?? SO GOOD?? WTF?? SLAY EMO, SLAAAAAAAY FUCK, DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE TO CHANGE MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME NOW?

alsoooo 

hAPPY ROMAN

YESSSSS~ MAH BOI MAH SON MAH DUMB BITCH HIMBO PRINCE MAH EXTRA MESSY CINNAMON ROLL

ITS  BEEN SO  LONG

AND HIS LITTLE HEART EYES THROUGHOUT THE VID, OH MY GOD-

IMMA JUST IGNORE THAT "ADDING [MISTAKE] TO THE LIST" COMMENT I AM LOOKING AWAY I DO NOT SEE IT LALALALALA

THOMATHY, SIR, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT MAKING THESE TWO GAY IDIOTS SO BAEBY

Okay, but Virgil not realizing that "cyberstalking in real life" is literally just stalking is both a big ass mood and further proof that, yes, Logan is indeed the only one holding the braincell out of this disaster of a lot. God help them all if he ducks out in the next ep.

👀

And Thomas x Trash Can is my new OTP.  I dub thee ✨ "Trashmas" ✨

we sTAN TRASHMAS

Wait, does that mean Remus actually WAS in the ep? Cause, y'know, trash man?

hmmm

👀 👀 

Okay, okay. 

With how much Virgil and Roman were going off about Thomas constantly lying, I was (understandably) a tad bit disappointed my snek son didn't even make a fucking cameo, but y'know what? In hindsight, I'm okay with this it's fineee~

He was just off playing with shadow puppets and stealing money from us desperate, content-starved peasants with his sheer extra-ness and, honestly? Gotta respect the hustle. 

Get that precious, precious coin, dapper snake! Wring us poor losers dryyyy!

*evil snek laugh*

Also, this is a breather ep and adding Janus in probably would've caused unnecessary drama with the Roceit breakup and the constant antagonism between Virgil and him. It probably would've distracted from the point of the ep (flirting with social anxiety, exactly what it says in the tin)—much like it wasn't really Virgil or Remus's place to show up during POF. Does that make sense? I think it makes sense. Sorry, brain going brr-

Still, I can't believe the "Fuck Janus Sanders" Club is actually canon now 😂

God, first Patton in a skirt and now this. 

Thomas Sanders, you delight in fucking feEDING this gremlin nest of a fanbase, don’t you? You RELISH our screams of joy and pain and suffering, dON’T YOU?

What's next, actual canonical Janus and Remus interaction? Patton saying the fuck word? The Dragon Witch comes back? Janus's bowler hat gains sentience and takes over the world, Doris-style? What do you have planned, Thomas? Joan? WHAT ART THOU PLANNING, I MUST KNOW YOU HEATHENS YOU FIENDS-

And Virgil's little "would it be fair to him" comment, tho.

👀

Like, I get in the context of the ep, he was likely talking about Nico and how it wouldn’t be good for a potential relationship with Tomas to be founded on lies, but still...my anxceit heart aches, man. 

Gimme that sweet, sweet angst with a side of mutual regret and possible future reconciliation and maybe something more wink wink nudge nudge on top, pls

...and fries.

Honestly, tho, that entire bathroom monologue was fucking beautiful, man. And relatable, too—i can't tell you how many times I've talked to myself in public restrooms because I just didn't know how to get the words I wanted to say out. It's...kind of embarrassing, tbh

Speaking of embarrassing, uh, crying stall guy.

Just...

Crying Stall Guy

Like, I was expecting someone to come out the bathroom stall after Thomas stopped talking, but...I honestly wasn't expecting that. God, that whole scene was so cringe worthy and fucking hilarious

Honestly, Thomas in the ep in general was a huge ass mOOD and we collective gay/bi disasters ALL related with him, and if you say you don't, you're either lying to yourself or a demon. 

There is no in between 

sorry I don't make the rules

Like, I get this series is literally a gay disaster talking to himself for thirty minutes or longer, but like- EMPHASIS on the 'disaster' part 😂

Like...Thomas, you're lucky you're such a goddamn bean, because GOD, I cringing so hard when he first started talking to Nico

Although, I too have apologized profusely for genuine mistakes and am a flustered bi mess around my crush sooo

😅

And god, Roman's "thirty = old man" jokes made me feel old...and I literally just turned twenty, like, come on, man!

Maybe that's because I was literally watching this ep after finishing my ACT and had been sitting with a bunch of high schoolers, with their tiny fucking desks and tiny fucking water fountains smeh

*clears throat*

Anyways, uh, we STAN Nico Pintrovert Florés in this house

Like

He gives me such big Carlos from WTNV vibes for some reason and this makes me sooo happy

and YESS, he's a WRITER

And he's??? So sweet?? A pure bean?? Just sits on his laptop at the mall food court all day, like a god-fucking iCON?? A Nightmare Before Christmas fan?? weARS GLASSES??

my hEART

*cries*

The fandom seems torn between "Nicomas" and "Karrot Kings" as a ship name atm—personally speaking, I'm casting my vote for the latter

*crosses fingers* please dont be another janus x remus multiple ship name issue guys, please please please I can't keep track of them all-

*clears throat*

On that note, I'm guess I'm gonna go try and whoo over my crush with carrots now. If THIS disaster can do it and make it actually fucking work, god damnit, so cAN I

Meanwhile, in hell, my brain's just screaming "CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST CANON LOVE INTEREST-"

God, I hope Nico isn't just a one-shot character, he's too pure and Thomas and him are adorable gay Disney fans and I stan

Oh, I wonder how the other sides'll react to him.

Wait.

Oh god.

Oh god.

This ep just unleashed a new fresh hell of potential Nico x Sides ships, hasn't it?

Welp, time to prepare for ze incoming flood of fanfics, I guess. I'll get my umbrella and rain boots.

That last shot of Virgil during the endcard was so fucking ominous oh my god mom im scared can you come pick me up-

Goddammit, Thomas and Joan, I'm NOT fucking ready to be traumatized again, fUCK

I wish I wasn't a broke ass university student so I could contribute to Thomas's gloriously extra Patreon—both so I can support my favorite content creators who make this amazing blessed content and also, to join my boi Janus in fucking  destroying society by giving money to the people who actually deserve it, fuck YOU GOVERNMENT-

Okay. 

Okay. 

New headcanon time as to why Patton, Remus, and Logan weren't in the ep: they were helping Jan film that Patreon promotional video. 

Like

Remus directed it, Logan helped with the lighting and script, and Patton was just there as the cheerleader. 

The reason Janus made a dog with shadow puppets wasn't just to flaunt his deity status and prove how he is truly above us mere wretched mortals 

despite that being the absolute truth and we all know it, don't lie to yourselves

No, it was really him trying to do something cute and silly for Patton, because Moceit rights, daMMIT

*inhales*

noww 

guys, gals, and nonbinary pals

it’s time forr

the most wonderful time of the yearrr

WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE

Step right up, folks! Hear ye, hear ye, my prediction for the next episode: Prinxiety v. Moceit! With special guest stars: Karrot Kings vibing in adorable gay and Intrulogical, bitter at being excluded aGAIN

Who will win? Who will lose? 

here’s a hint: we all will because in this sick twisted game they are no winners only losers-

Place your bets, folks! ✨

Haha im not readyyy~

tl;dr

this episode has cleared my skin, watered my crops, and ended my suffering—an adorable calm before the... angsty fucking shitstorm that’s coming far too soon. Prinxiety stans, enjoy your food. Place an 'F' in the chat for me and my fellow grieving Remus stans. Trashmas is the true OTP, but Karrot Kings is cute too I guess. I've only had Nico Florés for 24 minutes, but if anything happens to him, I'll kill everyone in this room and then myself. Purple eyeshadow Virgil makes me question my sexuality aGAIN, and happy gay disney prince rights y'all. Say a big ole 'fuck you' to capitalism by giving your local dapper snake moneys. Concussion makes brain go brr and imma go buy some carrots and be gay now.

psst hey @quarantinevibes2020​ you wanna join me in being disaster-y? i’ll bring my best gay stare and you bring the wine

Until next time, my lovelies! ~ Ches 🖤

[alchemist-shizun]

To tend thee is my care

ACT II

ACT I - Read on Ao3!

Word count: 14,297

Summary: Here

Characters: Virgil, (Non-binary!)Roman, some OCs for plot reasons

Pairing(s): Prinxiety

Warning(s): Angst, negative thinking, swearing, crying, repressed emotions, fighting, insecurity, mentioned toxic parenting (once), overthinking, mention of paranoia (twice), yelling, kissing (Please let me know if I missed anything)

A/n: Will I ever stop projecting on characters? The amount of references to Hadestown in this is embarrassing. There are just so many references in general. (I’ll also explain the classical ones if you would like to check the works out, I promise they’re very good!) The fact that I started writing this back in June and having it complete now and so appreciated warms my heart so much and I’ll never stop thanking you guys. If you still have any questions about the story I’ll be more than happy to answer any doubt you have! I’m very proud of how it turned out and I can’t wait to know what you think about it. I also hope I did justice to the non-binary portrayal, I’m a bit insecure despite being nb myself yeah, makes sense. I hope you liked this little journey, thank you so much for the positive feedback and, all of that being said, enjoy! (The first scene is directly linked to the last scene of Act I, the scenes take place during the same day)

✾✾✾✾

Roman had found his way through the day by preventing his mind from ending up in the same old crush zone place and just keeping on waiting for the moment his club started.

Waiting patiently was something that came natural, he always thought that life was a never-ending cycle of waiting for things to happen, for days to arrive: it was a mechanism he could keep track of and that, eventually, helped him to get through his toughest days.

It started with the simplest tasks, like waiting for that one dinner where you were sure you were going to eat your favorite dish, or waiting for night to come to be able to hang out with his friends.

He thought about how pleased and happy he’d feel once the bad moment was all over, he knew he could get through every villain he encountered because he never failed to reward himself with the simple knowledge of making it through. That alone was enough a trophy to assure himself that, as he had done in the past, the next dragon-witch wouldn’t be unbeatable and that, in any way he could possibly think of, success was always on its way. Patience yields focus, as they say.

And so he waited.

For his classes to end, for him to be able to check his phone, for his countdown until he saw that pretty face again, for when he’d be able to hear the letters roll so easily on his tongue when he pronounced his favorite nickname, because he made it his favorite, or his voice did. He couldn’t decide. That was another thing to wait for. For the moment he’d finally muster the courage to smother his face with kisses. And holy fuck he was back in the crush zone.

He slowed down in his tracks, sure that none was around, and leaned on the wall to his right, letting out a deep sigh in the process, as if he was trying to blow out all of his thoughts. Only that it had the opposite effect.

Every inch of his body could feel that he was thinking about him and wouldn’t let him live it down. His insides just exploded into and endless hot summer day in which you would only feel relief in air conditioning.

Before he knew it he was smiling like an idiot and daydreaming possibilities and illusions that would only make him end up in a dangerous place if he kept them up. He could have hated him, he was a good actor he could have pretended. But that would have done more harm than good to him, wouldn’t it?

Whether tis nobler in the mind to be hated and therefore unable to hurt yourself with delusions, or to damage yourself with your desires, never certain of what may ensue?

« Hey, Ro! »

Roman broke free of his train of thought and found one of the actors right next to him.

« Hi Dave. » he offered a smile, still light-headed from thinking too much after intense hours of Spanish lessons.

« Come on, » he tugged at his fellow actor, he was going to be Cadmus. « today’s the big day, we’re trying a couple of scenes with all the costumes and make-up! » Roman was able to sense the excitement in his eyes even behind those sunglasses that Dave had already on.

They were going to the local theater, where the play was going to be shown for the first time, so they had to leave school to reach it.

Little did Roman know, though, as he had finally made his entrance in the theater, that it would be an uneventful rehearsal for him that day: since Virgil was missing and they needed to focus more on other actors, he could have taken that meeting to rehearse alone or stay in the backstage and let the other group practice on him with the makeup or clothing they needed to get right.

He chose the latter, since he knew being alone with his thoughts would have led him to definitely think about something other than practicing his own lines.

He had been sitting for quite some time in one of the backstage chairs, a very focused girl  in front of him, when she seemed to snap back to reality. She took a step back, tilting the brush in her right hand.

« Oh my god, your face is perfect. »

Roman blinked a few times. « You’re too kind, friend. »

« No, I mean it! Your features are so good to work on and I haven’t even done much. » she beamed, then gave a thoughtful hum as an idea crossed her mind: her eyes started darting from her small bag to the boy’s face.

She suddenly bent her head, avoiding eye contact. « You wouldn’t mind if I … tried for a stronger look? » her voice, barely above a whisper, suggested insecurity.

Before he had even realized he was moving, he felt himself nod.

Excitement settled in his chest for some reason he couldn’t comprehend; true, most of the time he felt the same way when he was acting with Virgil, (or anywhere around him lately) or when trying something new, like the anticipation he felt when the costumes for the play were finally done.

But there was something different this time, like he had been waiting for that exact moment for ages but just now he had realized it.

« Oh thank god. » the girl sighed in relief, looking back up at him with a small smile crossing her lips. « Generally the boys I ask tend to … turn me down pretty dramatically. »

Something dawned onto  Roman, while she added a quick “thank you” and began working.

Was he supposed to be mad? After all, it was just another type of art and he was all for it, there was no way he would have rejected it. He had even tried to teach himself to use those products before, when he was younger, but one day they had disappeared out of the blue which discouraged him enough to never try again.

He never really mustered up the courage to confront his parents about it, even when he was sure it was their fault.

He tried to let himself relax under the soft touch of the bristles, eyes closed.

Why was he overthinking this when he had been completely comfortable with agreeing on it in the first place? Why did it have to be a problem? Did he care for his group’s judgment? But they got make-up on every year for the productions.

Why was there so much confusion in his mind, yet he didn’t feel any negative emotion towards that moment? Maybe the confusion was due to all the positive things a simple task like that sprouted into him. Maybe he couldn’t just enjoy helping a friend practice.

Or, he was supposed to feel neutral about it.

Or …

« All done! » the girl stepped back and, when Roman opened his eyes again, he was met with a bright smile and a satisfied expression which distracted him from his previous thoughts.

She was quick to hand him her phone, promptly set on the front camera, and waited behind his seat for a possible reaction.

Saying he was lost for words was definitely an understatement.

The first thing he noticed was the red on his lips, a kind of hue he found to look perfect on his skin tone. Then, the flawlessly winged eye-liner, under different shades of red and gold blended on his eye-lids with what could have looked like a professional touch. His hand ghosted on his cheek, where some golden glitter was sparkling on highlighter.

« Oh, I used the imperial red for your lipstick, the name inspired me since it fits your next role as king, but turns out it actually does fit you nicely! »

« Stunning. »

« Sorry, what? »

Roman didn’t realize he had been mumbling in disbelief at his own reflection, despite loving his own image, it had been a long while since he had last liked his looks so much.

« You did such an amazing job! » what once was a timid smile started growing into a more confident one on the girl’s lips as Roman trailed off in his own list of compliments.

« Roman can you- Oh! » Dave had stepped in the room in that exact moment. For a split second, in which only a surprised expression dominated the guy’s face, Roman felt genuine fright.

Then, Dave smirked and leaned on a table. « Oops, didn’t see you there, pretty one. Can I tempt you to dinner tonight? »

« You’re a flattering one, but I’ll have to turn your offer down. »

« Aw- »

« Roman, how dare you! » a feminine voice startled the three of them, revealing a smiling Bonnie. « You’re messing with my bisexuality on purpose, admit it. »

He was literally beaming at all the compliments and positive feedback he was receiving, he had never felt more appreciated in his life, though he couldn’t exactly pin point why.

The two actors brought him to another small room where he had to change into the play costumes, they ran into Lukas in the process who gave Roman a small smile. That was definitely something, as they interacted very rarely.

Bonnie and Dave showed him his two sets of clothes, Pentheus’ and the Maenad’s ones, and left him to try them on. Their first night was approaching, so they had to make sure everything fit perfectly.

Roman went through his lines in his mind while he changed, stopping only to admire the combination between the king’s outfit and the stupendous make-up.

« I should do this more often. » he observed, his eyes lingered on his reflection on a mirror.

What are you talking about, what would you parents say?

He grimaced at the thought, he had almost forgotten about public opinion.

Do you think all your friends would actually approve? Fat chance.

He turned around and inhaled deeply. Who cares, he was simply trying his play’s costumes. What was the pressure in doing that?

Why was he procrastinating on that? It wasn’t that big of a deal. Right?

« Right. »

Roman stared at the dress he had to put on, then his hand went through the fabric; he lifted it and placed it on a chair. Yeah, no, he could do that. It was just acting after all-

Oh, that was it! Acting! He could go through his lines again, thus distract himself.

“What is this costume I must wear?”

Roman had finally gotten out of Pentheus’ clothes.

“On your head I shall set a wig with long curls.”

He put a hand in his hair instinctively. Yeah, he had ended up learning some of Dionysus’ lines too, after all he had to know what to say and when exactly to say it.

“And then?”

He didn’t realize he had actually mouthed that.

“Next, robes to your feet and a net for your hair.”

The vest fell neatly on his legs.

“Yes? Go on.”

He reached for the headband and covered part of his hair with it.

“Then a thyrsus for your hand and a skin of dappled fawn.”

The props where still being perfected, so all he did was take the item with the fake fawn skin; the material felt like little plastic bristles had been attached to some kind of cotton. He placed it around his shoulders, as he should have been a couple of scenes after the one he was recalling.

“I could not bear it.”

« I cannot bring myself to dress in women’s clothes. » he concluded the line, transfixed on his full Maenad dress-up.

It felt so wrong, so absolutely and thoroughly amiss to say that.

Was it because he had said it in the wrong tone? Did he have to try again? Did he want to try again? Maybe if he did he’d say it more naturally, he’d be satisfied enough to shove down his paranoia and he could call it a day.

“I cannot bring myself to dress in women’s clothes.”

His chest felt tight. Yes, okay, that was an ancient play, of course there were going to be things he didn’t agree with. Still … he could think of so many men that would agree with the king.

Was he even a man? What was he thinking, of course he was.

Yet …

He thought of himself as a simple actor trying his best to succeed in his everyday life. He hadn’t really cared about the question until now, or maybe he hadn’t ever deeply posed himself the actual question.

He dared to look at the mirror again.

“I cannot bring myself to dress in women’s clothes.”

He never really cared about what he wore during Carnival or Halloween, though he loved being a prince (as well as zombie royalty!), or what was his role when he played make believe as a kid with his wonderful cousins.

He didn’t feel weird with make up on, he didn’t feel different with what would have been labeled as feminine clothes on.

There was a word for it, he was sure, but he hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself.

He put his hands on his hair and let out a sigh. The line kept on repeating in his mind like a broken record.

“I cannot bring myself to dress in women’s clothes.”

Well, true, he didn’t really feel like a girl that much, but he didn’t feel completely like a boy either. Shortly thereafter it would have teared apart his mind.

Was he neither? Was he both? Was he fluid? Could he say he didn’t care? What was even allowed anymore?

He? She? They? Roman was too confused to even think straight, let alone make an important choice.

What would Virgil think about it?

He lowered his hands slowly, as the realization struck him.

Virgil was going to reject him.

He will hate me.

Was this going to change everything? Roman could only see one way out of it: escaping the possibility of being rejected and completely burn the bridges out of the blue. Virgil was probably going to hate him in that case, too, but at least it wouldn’t hurt that he knew they couldn’t be together exactly because of him.

He’ll think I lied to him all this time, he’s not going to talk to me anymore, I’m going to ruin everything, the play will be a fiasco-

He brought his fingers to his cheeks and found them already wet with tears, while, as his hearing finally came back to him, instead of focusing on his inner thoughts, he noticed the uneven pattern of his breathing.

That was when someone decided to barge in.

« Sorry, I have to- what? » Lukas stood in the entrance for a second, then he closed the door behind himself with a soft click and made his way to the other actor. « Roman, what happened? Are you okay? »

He tried hard to compose himself, but he just couldn’t. He shook his head, trying to blink back the tears as he bit the inside of his mouth.

« Let’s talk about it, I won’t judge you. I promise. »

« It’s nothing, you can go back, they need you- »

« I don’t think so. » Lukas spoke so firmly he felt obligated to listen to him. « The meeting is over anyway, I came to tell you. And you seem more in need of comfort than anything else. »

« Maybe I do. » Roman admitted, wiping at his face several times.

« Come on then, let’s change and go get some ice cream from that famous place in front of the library. »

Roman was able to shut his thoughts again. Not for long, though.

✾✾✾✾

Something was wrong.

For a habitual worrier like Virgil, it wasn’t arduous to spot the danger zone, a circumstance in which the tiniest detail could have revealed itself to actually be the beginning of a catastrophe.

It had started during his school trip: he had sent tons of pictures to Roman, who had personally demanded him to do so ever since he had heard of the trip. Despite that, he hardly ever answered as excitedly as Virgil thought he would have been.

Roman had the power to sound just as dramatic via text messages, it was unusual for him to sound uninterested.

After that, there were times in which he didn’t answer at all. Virgil had complained to his classmate, who had the pleasant misfortune to share the room with him at the hotel. At first he tried to brush it off, he told himself that maybe he was just too stressed because of school, but the growing anxiety and discomfort had started to show on the outside as well.

His classmate had tried to calm him down, come up with all the positive outcomes he could find, though he couldn’t shake off the concern in his eyes. That, obviously, told Virgil’s paranoia that he probably believed they were going to stop talking forever.

He pretended his heart didn’t sink every time he checked his phone for notifications and tried to make the most of his last days in Athens.

The lovely illusion of potentially finding Roman waiting for him at the parking spot for their bus didn’t help his overthinking.

Why would he even think he would have showed up, anyway? Sure, he lived nearby, but it was pretty late at night on a Sunday. It was more of a wish. He hoped he could have seen him as soon as he had come back to their hometown.

He had thought waiting for the morning would have been worth the longing.

The first day he had been back to school, they had agreed to finally meet after a week of almost no interactions at all.

Eventually, Virgil ended up at his bus stop, a disappointment in his guts that he didn’t want to uncover and a text from Roman that explained he had been caught up with a test and a Spanish project and he couldn’t have made it.

Not even to say a quick hello and disappear again.

Something was wrong, and it dawned on Virgil the day after, during break, when he noticed Roman hanging out with Lukas and subtly getting out of his sight as fast as he could when he saw Virgil.

He was avoiding him on purpose.

Luckily for him, that wouldn’t have lasted much longer as the play rehearsals took place right after school.

His worries were confirmed when Roman refused to look in his direction or sit next to him, Virgil decided to endure everything for the sake of the rehearsal, even when the teachers gave them suspicious glances at how stiff their performance was.

Mrs. Eagan had even stopped him and pulled him aside to see if he knew anything, if Roman was okay or if it was just a bad day.

The funny thing was that Virgil had been wondering the same thing for about a week, trying to come up with different excuses every day while deep inside he blamed himself. He just didn’t know and it was eating him away.

Maybe it was actually his fault.

Lukas had approached him after the meeting ended.

« Hey. I guess, uh … Have you noticed something weird with Roman lately? »

God, why were they all asking him?

« Apparently, everyone is. »

Lukas’ intense stare bore into him.

« I know something. » Virgil’s head snapped up. So that was why they had been closer than usual; Lukas, much like Virgil himself, tended to stay in class most of the time.

« There is something that is bothering him very deeply, but it’s not my place to say. » he shifted in his feet. « I don’t think he’s going to bring it up anytime soon, so I suggest you talk to him. »

His natural nervous state morphed into a concerned one and, given a nod to the boy, he went to look for Roman.

For some reason, he was exiting the theater building from the back. Virgil saw him yelp in surprise when he grabbed his arm.

« Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or did you intend to ignore me a bit longer? »

Roman stiffed. He should’ve seen that coming. Panic rose to his chest as he searched his mind for an answer, a believable excuse.

You could always pretend.

« I fail to see the problem. »

« Are you actually serious right now? » he didn’t mean to raise his voice, but he just couldn’t buy that.

« I- »

« No, for real, are you being serious? » denial seemed to fuel him even more, to the point he brushed his hands on his face to shake off the disbelief. « ‘Cause last time I checked, you didn’t flee everytime you saw me like I was some kind of deathly virus to avoid! »

« Look, you’re blowing this out of proportion. » that was the first time Virgil despised the sound of his laughter and the way he acted. The first butterfly died in his stomach.

« So in your opinion this situation is totally normal and there is nothing to fix. »

« Precisely. » Roman’s words left his thoughts before he could process the kind of bomb he was dropping. He felt his heartbeat increase. « Have a good day. » he dead-panned, averting his stare.

When he made to turn around, he stumbled on his feet: Virgil had took a hold of his arm again, this time his nails almost pierced his skin. Roman noticed he was shaking.

« Don’t you fucking walk out on me again with no explana- »

Roman pulled his arm away. «  What do you want me to say? » he cut him off with a loud exasperated yelling.

All around, the place fell so dead silent that time seemed to freeze. Virgil stared at him wide eyed and instinctively took a step backward.

« What do you want me to say? » Roman repeated more intensely, extending his arms. « Do you want me to go on about how irritating you are right now? » he pretended he didn’t care when he noticed something break in Virgil’s eyes.

« Do you want me to make something up so that I can satisfy you? You know, not everyone is here tending to your needs at anytime. »

Roman tried hard not to let Virgil’s hurt expression get to him, especially when he caught on the fact he was blinking back tears when his gaze shifted to the side.

« Well, I don’t know. I thought we had something going on and I was worried about you. » he emphasized the last sentence, taking up all the courage to look him in the eyes, he failed to believe the conversation was real every time he looked away. « But it doesn’t look like you care at all. »

« You’re right. I don’t. » Roman crossed his arms. A beat, and Virgil intook some breath. « So this should end here. »

« “This”?  » Virgil tilted his head to the side, his eyes narrowed and he made a face, as if he had just tasted something sour. « Our whole … » he widely gestured. « friendship is just a little nothing that can be discarded whenever you feel like? »

« If I say it should, then yes. » there was no emotion in Roman’s voice. The lack of regret started a bonfire in Virgil’s chest, where once a welcoming hearth used to warm his heart.

« At least look me in the eyes and dignify me of the reason why. » something in his cracked tone was desperate. Roman could feel the shards of his broken voice graze his skin.

Then he acquiesced.

« You. » he pointed his finger to Virgil’s chest, then slid both hands on his jacket and lifted him toward himself ever so slightly. He had imagined a scene like that once, only in that circumstance he wouldn’t have hesitated to lean in further.

« Because of you. Because I wanted to. Because I don’t want to be your friend anymore. » he talked rapidly. « Because I don’t like you. »

After a beat, Virgil talked with a strangled voice, keeping up the conversation had become unbearable. « Is it true? »

Roman fought himself not to break down, say no and tell him everything.

« If it is, I’ll be on my way. »

No, no, no, please I need you here. Don’t.

« It is. »

Please.

And that was all Virgil needed.

That was all he needed to hear before slowly getting out of Roman’s grip while he held his stare. All he needed to convince himself to shut his mind, confirm his worries, turn around and walk away with wide steps.

He didn’t last long.

He hid himself behind the side of his bus stop’s canopy and put his hands on his eyes, the lump in his throat was getting harder to shove back down. The pace of his breathing was uneven.

Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Tears welled up in his eyes but he refused to let them escape, they wet his palms instead of doing their usual journey down his cheeks.

He didn’t want to breathe, because sobs were ready to leave his body shaking and that would have meant that he cared. He regretted caring for someone who didn’t even cherish him in the slightest.

He held his breath so much it felt like choking. His hands pressed further on his eyes.

But fucking damn him if he didn’t deeply care for him.

Yet he had been the one to drive him away without even realizing, he replayed the scene in his head and felt a genuine disgust towards himself and the way Roman despised him.

The way he spit his responses like acid on his tongue, which alimented the fire that burned down all the remaining butterflies in Virgil’s stomach.

Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

He tentatively lowered his hands, his sight slightly blurred, out of the crying danger. He let the numbness take over, the same one he felt during fights with his parents.

By the time he got home, he had gotten rid of his red eyes.

The void that weighted him down? Well, he had been mastering the art of bottling up emotions for a long time. That would have taken too much longer to let out.

As he got to his room, he buried his feeeling in his guts and threw himself in his bed, unable to bring back the tears.

Roman, on the other hand, realized with an unbearable aching in his chest he tried to ignore unsuccessfully, that had been the first time Virgil hadn’t called him “Princey”.

✾✾✾✾

April flew by in an instant, between Easter holidays that took up most of the month; and, with the arrival of the most feared and toughest period of school, things started getting serious for all the school clubs. Most of them had outings or presentations to do to a vast public.

And, of course, the play was only getting nearer.

Roman thanked his acting skills when the rehearsals took place most of the days, instead of once, the week before the designated day. Sharing the main roles with someone who would’ve rather slaughtered him to bits with a single glance wasn’t exactly his expertise.

On the other hand, when the night arrived, Virgil had definitely other things to take care of than plotting his former friend’s death.

His anxiety levels where hitting the ceiling and crashing right through it, who thought this was a good idea? Him? Acting? Having the main role? Being the one to open the play? Tragically ironic, he was barely able to speak as the clock counted down an hour before he had to appear on the stage and see the curtains open in front of him.

He was being shoved into the dressing rooms by Anastasia after spending most of the time checking if the backstage group had everything under control.

He couldn’t stay still and tried his best not to jump out of his seat when his teammates started doing his make-up and combing his hair in just the perfect position for the wig to be placed and look almost real.

After he had put on Dionysus’ clothes, the last agonizing minutes were ticking down. He couldn’t find comfort in anything or anyone.

He clutched at the fabric, almost believing that, somehow, he could have conveyed his nervousness into it.

His hearing felt muffled as his teachers encouraged him toward the stage. As he looked around while walking, he locked eyes with the other actors. When he met Roman’s, he didn’t feel any kind of reassurance, especially as he looked away before he could have seen the tiniest of smiles creep its way into his face, a way to help him even in the chaos he had created. Had he noticed, Virgil would have thought he was a hypocrite. Right after, a large part of him would have been the happiest and he would have hated it.

But right then, the majority of him felt uptight.

He placed himself in the back of the stage as he had been instructed weeks earlier, then the spell finally worked as he felt his shoulders relax, the tension in his muscles was released and the curtains opened.

In front of him, the theater was full, the lights  were all focused on him and he could hardly make out the facial traits of the audience seated in the front rows.

Virgil had his head held up, his eyes scanned the scene, slowly, he let the moment sink into him and gifted himself some more seconds of full and comfortable silence as the public, expectant, held its breath.

He moved ever so slightly forward. His mind, a few moments earlier, had been crowded with the worst fears of messing up. Now, it was cleared and he felt his steady breathing.

« I have returned! » his voice was earthshaking. « I am Dionysos, the son of Zeus, come back to Thebes, this land where I was born. »

As he transformed bit by bit into the god himself, he didn’t realize how the night was going to turn out wondrously.

✾✾✾✾

The scenes in which Roman and Virgil took part flowed wonderfully.

Because of their fight, the exchanging of lines between them was almost perfectly aligned with the climax of Pentheus and Dionysus’ conversations. They flooded all of their feelings into the characters, improving for the better how the teachers had told them to act. All the internalized emotions were let out, leaving their chests as light as feathers with every half-yelled remark.

The tension could be cut with a knife and the public was hanging at the edge of the seats.

Then, a line was spoken and, for an instant, Roman forgot they were acting in front of numerous people.

« My friend, you can still save the situation. » he couldn’t understand whether or not Virgil’s tone masked some kind of genuine sincerity in his words, or if he had really so much talent to make it seem real.

Roman stilled for a second, letting the words linger in his mind, he didn’t realize the two of them had automatically already shared a couple of lines before he came back to reality.

« This must be some trap. »

« A trap? How so, if I wish to save you by my own devices? » Virgil’s eyes narrowed as he moved closer. Roman’s attention faltered again, some more lines went by while he felt Virgil’s eyes bore into his soul.

« Bring my armor, someone. » Roman looked and gestured toward someone in the back. His expression shifted to an irritated one.  « And you, » he pointed his finger toward Virgil, allowing it to brush his chest for a moment while he paced forward. « stop talking. » he demanded. He had began to walk away, after sharing a long glance with him.

« Wait! » Virgil looked like he was having an idea. The magic of the god flowed into the scene and made the king stop in his tracks, the possession of Dionysus was only beginning. « Would you like to see their revels on the mountain? »

« I would pay a great sum to see that sight. »

« Why do you desire this so badly? » Virgil stepped closer again.

« Certainly I would be sorry to see them in their drunkenness. »

« But would you see gladly what is grievous to you? » that would have made anyone reconsider. And maybe it was the whole meaning of the play. To realize that we actually long for what we despise at times, so much that it can happen that we seek it.

« Yes, very much. Sitting quietly under the pines, out of sight. » the king looked like he was hooked on whatever idea the god was having, his expression hazy.

« But if you try to hide, they may track you down. »

« Your point is well taken. I will go openly. »

« Shall I guide you? Will you attempt the journey? » Virgil extended his arm, he felt like he was mimicking a particular scene from Aladdin.

« The sooner the better. The loss of even a moment would be disappointing now. »

The scene went on, the king grew softer as he fell victim of the god’s disorientating spell. And so did the audience. Captured by the characters on the stage, by the deity’s charm, just like in the tragedy.

With the gentle soft touches they sometimes shared, like the brush of one’s curls, with the wrath of the Maenads told by a terrified messenger and the despair of a mourning mother with a clouded mind, the audience was left wondering if they had all just dreamt the same thing as the curtains closed in front of their eyes.

The night had gone splendidly, they had earned a standing ovation and, thus, their ticket for the provincial Theater were now a certainty.

In a moment, the whole crew had found a spot to celebrate.

Refreshing drinks and simple food was placed on a table on which the teens were more than ready to pounce.

Between laughs, even some tears, small talk and relieved sighs, everybody slowly took time to congratulate Roman and Virgil for their spectacular performance, and everytime someone mentioned to Virgil how skilled Roman must have been to be able to spark such talent in him, he struggled to find the willingness to smile and agree. Not that it wasn’t true, but … he would have preferred to have his mind clear from the guy in a moment of happiness. Even when he actually couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that they were in the same room and it hurt already.

Lukas pulled Roman aside as they both finally stopped being lauded.

« Oh my god, not again- »

« Roman, please, you’ve got to listen to me. For real. »

Roman could hear his exasperated tone, an ashamed look crossed his own face.

« Go an try to talk to him. You owe him an explanation. »

« But what if- »

« Nuh-uh, I know what you’re going to say. Won’t happen. I’m sure of it. » Lukas had a particular way to sound concise and believable, one that often helped when a train of bad thoughts started a journey across your mind.

« I’m not entirely convinced. » Roman sighed, moving his hands on his face. He was also very nervous.

« Listen. » he forced him to look straight in his eyes. « I’ve seen his concern when I told him to look for you. » Roman’s expression grew soft, with a hint of guilt. « There’s no way he’s going to reject you, Roman. Nor make fun of you or disrespect you. »

Lukas glanced behind him at the topic of their conversation. « And you have to believe me when I tell you I know he cares a lot about you. »

Roman looked to the ground, he didn’t like the warm feeling in his chest. « Does he? »

« He does. » he took him by the arm and pulled him forward. « That’s why you will definitely fix this. »

Before he could stop him, they had already arrived at their destination and Lukas signed to someone on the other side of the room and said, loud enough for Virgil to turn and notice them, “Look, there’s Bonnie!”. With that, he left his friend to his destiny.

It was an awkward minute until Roman decided to speak up.

« Hey. » Virgil barely acknowledged him. He gained courage and tried again. « Great job today. » as if he hadn’t heard that thirty times already, that’s great Roman!

He watched him shift his glance to the side, catching Lukas and Bonnie’s smiles directed at them, Lukas looked at Roman, then back to him and nodded.

« So you decide it’s worth to talk to me now. » Virgil didn’t even turn to him. « How curious. » he said, a fake surprised tone accompanying that.

The actor sighed, the consequences of his action were showing, he probably hated him by then, but god forbid he’d lose hope or Lukas would have gone as far as setting up a blind date to fix things between them.

« Can you look at me? »

He didn’t know it would have been so easy to make him face him, but he regretted it as soon as he saw his sour expression, his arms crossed in a defensive manner on his chest.

Roman took a deep breath. « We’re both going to agree that I’m an idiot. » the genuine laugh that escaped Virgil’s lips left him in disbelief.

« Absolutely. »

« Great, uhm … Look, I recognize I fucked up. Like, an awful lot. And I want to apologize properly- I am deeply, truly sorry- »

« And an airhead. »

« -and that. » he conceded. « But I feel like any apology I make doesn’t convey how I actually feel. » he paused, Virgil looked neutral, then nodded slightly. He was still willing to listen.

« If you let me, I’d like to explain everything. All those horrible things I said … I was just scared for something bigger. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us and it was stupid of me to decide that in your place. And I, it’s just- »

« Slow down. » Roman didn’t realize he had his hands at the sides of his face and an heaving chest. Virgil held up his hands in front of him. « Listen. »

Roman did his best to calm his breathing as he waited for the other’s response.

« Let’s stop at that for today, okay? » he gained a nod from Roman. « I don’t think this is the time and place to discuss heavy topics. I have to think about it and you do too. Forgiving and trusting isn’t easy. »

« I understand. » Roman sounded already defeated.

« I’m not finished. » he looked up. « I’ll tell you when I am ready to listen. » Virgil had to admit something blossomed in his stomach when he looked at Roman beaming slightly. « Until then, wait for me? »

« I will. » Roman answered almost instantly, his eyes were smiling for him. He stepped back, believing the conversation was over.

« Princey? » he looked up again, seemingly incredulous. He had missed the nickname in a way he didn’t even know how to explain. He had been feeling like when you hold hands with someone but their hand is slowly slipping away, the grip isn’t as strong anymore and your fingers are barely touching. In fear of letting go or being left altogether. That name alone made it seem like his hold was somewhat stronger.

« Just … relax for tonight. We earned it. Mh? » Virgil raised his hand and placed it on Roman’s shoulder, and he felt it was the best comfort he had had in weeks.

He gave Virgil a smile and they parted again.

This time, though, they were both left with hopeful thoughts in their minds.

✾✾✾✾

Princey: Everything alright?

It had been three days.

Three painful days of waiting and there was no sign of Virgil.

Ever since the play, he hadn’t come back to school. One day was the usual, the group always finished pretty late in the night and none would be seen the day after in class. The teachers closed an eye on that.

Roman had begun overthinking; was he really that exhausted? Did he catch a cold? During May was unlikely, though. Was he sick? A fever, maybe? Or something could have happened, to his family for example. Or to him. His heart sank at that thought alone.

« Don’t do that, brain. » Roman quietly reprimanded himself.

He shot from his seat as soon as the last bell rang, succeeding in exiting his class before anyone else in the entire school had even left their desk. And, as he did the other days, he waited.

And waited.

And-

He had lost most of his hope when, almost fifteen minutes after, he was being pulled toward the stairs instead of still standing in the hallway.

Roman hadn’t even seen the figure discreetly exit his own classroom and grabbing his arm: he focused and recognized a hoodie. Black fabric, purple patchwork.

« You’re alive! » was the smartest thing he came up with, an idiotic smile twitching his lips.

Virgil glanced over his shoulder, shooting him a look that simply said “what are you high on?”

They kept descending toward the basement path for the gym. « There’s a class that is staying here for an extra hour. » he explains, releasing his arms afterwards, meaning the school would have been open for some more.

The walked down the second to last ramp of stairs, had a quick flat path, then climbed the last stairs.

« Are you sure they’re not having a P.E. Lesson? »

« Nah. Philosophy. »

Roman grimaced. « Poor unfortunate souls. » after five hours of intense lessons and only a ten minutes break that felt more like ten seconds, people who were up to do a sixth hour without even having lunch could consider themselves heroes and gained everybody’s respect instantly.

Virgil stopped in a spot between the wooden bleachers and a door that led to the outside.

« We have a little less than an hour- »

« Don’t you go home with a bus usually? »

Virgil blinked, taken aback he was concerned with that instead of already diving into his explanation. « I’m taking the, uh, the later one. »

« When is it? »

« In like … » he checked his phone for the time. « An hour, a little more than that. It’s always late anyway. » he shrugged.

« Okay, then I’ll be keeping you company. »

« You d- »

« As for the real reason we’re here. » Roman walked over to one of the first steps of the bleachers,where large dark brown stairs led the way up to the sitting spots. « Shall we sit down? »

Virgil complied. He turned slightly to him.

Roman breathed in. « I got distant because I was scared of your opinion on myself. » he stared into the nothingness in front of him.

A beat, and Virgil was already in disbelief. « Dude, what? My opinion- Roman, why would you believe I think lowly of you? » he pressed his hands on his chest for emphasis, looking slightly wounded but concerned at most. « You know I l- »

« I- Well, it’s … I’m not finished. » he added. « There’s more to that. I feared your opinion on me after I came to a realization. »

Virgil shifted, giving him his full attention, his chin resting on his palm. That was his cue for him to carry on.

But he couldn’t find the right words. And everything was so difficult, the wrong word and he’d lose Virgil. He didn’t even know where to start. He felt like he had forgotten every detail about himself and his mind had gone blank.

« There was once a king. » he felt himself blurt out.

Okay, you could work on that. Tell a story.

« He had some kind of development right before dying. He thought he hated something he actually enjoyed. Which means … it’s never late to learn something new about yourself. However a big thing it may be. » Roman finally looked over to Virgil, searching some kind of approval.

« Well, yeah. I think so too. »

Roman nodded. « Good, okay. Said king didn’t know that, thanks to him, a couple of thousands of years later, a random guy from around here would learn something about himself too. »

Virgil wasn’t sure he was following the correct train of thought. A part of his mind, deep in the back, suggested Roman was going to confess he wanted to take part of ancient rites and rip people’s limbs apart as a sacrifice for the gods. His logical sense told that part to shut the hell up, this was a serious moment.

Had he ever seen him open up so much to him? Sure, they both vented to each other in times of need, when they needed to complain about teachers or parents. Usual teenage stuff.

Sometimes he, himself, revealed some rather personal information when he really couldn’t take it anymore and his mental health decided to do a back-flip and sink down into the abyss of god knows what was going on in his mind.

As for Roman, well, Virgil hadn’t realized until now how much he had always kept to himself.

« Pentheus, in the end put a lot of care in his feminine look, dare I say he was kind of passionate about it, yes? » he attempted, looking over to Virgil again, he studied his reactions, his body language, trying to find out if he was a safe place before he was too late. How did people do this, was there a map or a guide he could follow?

« I’d say so, yes. He asked for Dionysus help, especially. »

Roman suddenly looked like he had just had an epiphany, his voice raising a little. « Yes, right! »

« Are you … asking for my help? »

He noticed Virgil was trying to read through the lines. « I don’t know, it’s just …I am too. Passionate. Uhm … that. »

« I know?  I can see that a lot of times- »

« No! No, not in- » Roman started gesturing widely. He dropped his arms in defeat, unable to track back his flow of thought. Stupid, stupid, stupid-

« Alright, we’re struggling a bit, aren’t we? » Roman grimaced and nodded. « You don’t have to tell me right now. » Virgil started.

« I want to! » and the sound in his voice was too desperate.

« Okay. » Virgil continued, maintaining a soft tone. « You can go straight to the point, if you want. I can ask questions in case I’m confused. There’s no need to tell everything at once. » upon finding so much comfort in him, Roman felt the urge to cup his cheeks and kiss the hell out of him for once and for all, forgetting about the mess they’d gone through.

« It isn’t easy. »

« I know. »

Virgil looked around, as if in search of a possible idea, then he simply stuck out his hands from his pockets and offered them to Roman. After sharing a stare to see if he was for real, Roman wasn’t late to take up said offer.

So, now he was holding hands with his crush, whose heart he had broken a month prior, now trying to come out to him. A piece of cake.

He brushed the back of  Virgil’s hands with his fingers, trying not to think about all that despite how impossible it was.

He took a deep breath, deciding it was either now or never.

His face shot up, expression determined like he knew exactly what he was talking about. His lips parted and Virgil leaned slightly in anticipation.

« I am non-binary. »

There.

Virgil blinked a few times, his expression didn’t change.

That was … it? Or maybe he was still processing. Or-

Roman couldn’t find it in himself anymore to look him in the eyes, he stared at their still joined hands, hunched over himself.

After a beat, he saw Virgil’s hands release his own from his grip and instead move on his arms and pull him in for the best and fiercest hug he could have ever fathomed to be real.

It wasn’t the first time they’d hugged, obviously, but it was truly the first time after an achingly long period of no contact at all, no talking, no being emotional together at 1 am over puppy pictures of Virgil’s Labrador.

It was the first real hug they’d both shared with someone for a while.

That was also the reason why all the adrenaline and nervousness of the moment decided to ease up under his touch, which caused the first tears to travel down his cheeks in irregular patterns.

As he heard the first sobs, Virgil tightened the hug.

« I have no problem with that, you absolute hard-head. » he gripped the back of his shoulders, pulling him as close as he could.

« I was … so scared. That you would’ve, I don’t know, rejected me. » Roman let out, struggling.

« I know. I’m sorry. » Virgil pulled away just enough for him to see his face. Roman noticed he was wearing a guilty look on his face. It took him a second to understand.

« Vi- »

« No, shut up. I have to. » he still had his hands on his shoulders and stared directly into his eyes. « I’m sorry you felt the need to do all of that because you were scared. And also I’m sorry for attacking you out of frustration. I was too confused to act right. »

« I forgive you. » Roman gifts him a smile after soothing him with the soft sound of his voice.

« I wish you hadn’t been scared. I hate the fact that you were and I didn’t help at all. »

« It’s not like you knew I was, I said pretty mean things instead of confronting you, too. »

« How about we say we’re both idiots and call it a day? »

« Agreed. »

After the hug, the first genuine shared laugh came, too.

« Seriously, though. You don’t have to worry about this, I’m the last person that will judge you. Nothing would change even if you had some overnight realization and you told me about it in the morning. And if you need to look more into it, you’re free to come to me. »

That was how Virgil earned another long lasting hug and a couple of hundreds of thank yous whispered into his ear. Which totally didn’t make him all flustered and shove Roman away. Only you imagined that.

« Oh, I have an idea. » Roman suddenly got up from the stairs and walked down.

« That’s a first. »

« Okay, wonderful, is it too late to go back to no talking? »

Virgil chuckled under his breath, then shrugged. « Enlighten me. »

« We could go shopping together. Like, clothes, make-up, or- »

« Food. »

« You’re the only one that truly gets me. » Roman’s dramatic tone was accompanied by an air kiss. « There’s also the end of the year’s dance coming around, oh! We could get matching clothes! »

Virgil quirked an eyebrow, still sitting down and looking up at him, a smirk crossed his face. « Is this your way of subtly asking me to go with you, Princey? »

As if on cue, Roman’s entire body decided to heat up at once and he very carefully wondered if someone had actually just set him on fire. Maybe that would’ve been an easier situation.

Roman stuttered, who allowed him to be so bold out of the blue? Illegal. That was definitely illegal, that smirk was illegal, and the effect his whole being had on him was definitely utterly mostly illegal.

« ImeanIguessifyoudlike- »

« If you think I caught all of that you’re very wrong. »

« I’m just saying. » he tried again. « If it’d fancy you, then we could arrange something. » he conceded.

Over-dramatic. Poised, like a seventeenth century aristocrat. And so, so deeply infuriating.

« Maybe, when His Royal Highness decides to come back to the present time. »

« So that’s a yes? »

The last bell of the day rang, at which Virgil retrieved his backpack and made his way to the door. « I said maybe. »

Roman followed right after, their next destination was his friend’s bus stop, where they would have waited for more than half an hour.

And he definitely knew that was a yes.

✾✾✾✾

It was like breaking out of a shell.

As much as the inside could have been comfortable, curled up in a silent but pleasant darkness, only once out you could be able to shine bright and experience the real freedom.

Virgil and Roman had spent the day at the most visited mall nearby their school’s town; being able to finally buy whatever you wished with no nervousness was such a cathartic experience. Confidence could only accompany them.

They were walking down the street to reach the train station, bubble teas in their hands.

« Hey, V. » of course, Virgil could only turn so much that his friend had already hit him with one of the bubbles in his drink. It was a simple and effective way of annoying someone, you got the bubble in the straw and then you blew it out toward someone. And, if it managed to crush and let out all the syrup, well, you had to run.

Thankfully that wasn’t the case.

« Something’s telling me you want my attention. »

« Firstly, I always want attention. » Roman counted on his fingers, correcting the other. « But, yes, I have a question. »

« Shoot. » Virgil took another sip of his drink. The nonchalance and general comfortableness of those situations always managed to let him relax.

« Have you cleared your thoughts about university? »

At least, until he wasn’t reminded of something else.

« I suppose. »

« Are you gonna stay in the province? » Virgil noticed his slightly shaky voice, was it trepidation or fear?

« Most likely, yes, I’ll commute. I’m probably going to take up that Cultural Heritage faculty, there’s a lot of history of art. » he looked at Roman. « And also some archaeology exams. »

Roman’s smile grew wider at the news, he remembered one of the first times they talked, he had suggested that himself.

« I’m going to a theater academy. » he finally conceded, eyes going down at the sidewalk he was pacing on while his smile faltered a bit. « It’s a two hours car ride from home. I’ll be staying in an room with some others I think. »

« Well, yeah, it’s the best option. »

« You’re, uh, okay with it? »

Virgil stopped and blinked with an indescribable look on his face. « I’d be mad if you didn’t go there, Roman. You’ve got the talent and the opportunity, too. »

« Alright. » the trademark smile was back again. « You can come whenever you want, anyway. »

« Sure. It’ll be a pleasure to blast angsty songs under your balcony in the middle of the night. »

« Don’t make me take it back, Emo in Black Clothing. »

« Let me be an individual. »

« Anyway, » Roman gestured widely. « I’ll come back during weekends. »

« Honestly, the fact that you think you might get rid of me so easily wounds me, Princey. » Virgil giggled quietly, something he allowed himself rarely.

It wasn’t long after he realized Roman hadn’t been following him anymore after having pronounced the nickname that sparked in him the same warm effect even after a hundred times of saying it out loud.

Virgil turned with a questioning look.

« I have another question. » Roman watched him instinctively shrink in himself. « How did you come up with that name? »

The other tilted his head and arched an eyebrow. « You literally wrote it down on my phone when you gave me your number. »

Roman smiled sadly, biting his lower lip, then shook his head slightly. « I can’t believe you don’t remember. »

« Remember what? »

« Our first year. » Roman stepped closer. « We were our first months into the theater club. I was going off at someone about a Disney play I did when I was a child. You were pissed at me because I was wasting my time and that’s when you called me that for the first time. »

Virgil went wide-eyed. « You remember all of that? »

« I liked it. » Roman shrugged. That was the first time he had really noticed him, the one time he had decided to try and be friends with him, actively failing every attempt. And there he was, years later, finally having accomplished the mission.

« That’s cute of you, Princey. » okay, well, something he couldn’t handle was definitely being called that twice in a day, especially after being described as “cute” by Virgil of all people.

This is illegal illegalillegalillegal.

Roman wasn’t even aware he was being basically dragged towards the train station with his arm linked to Virgil’s.

✾✾✾✾

The chorus had prepared itself behind the curtains.

« Virgil, look at me. » Roman had positioned himself in front of him, blocking his view from the stage. « It’s gonna be fine. You’re amazing, you’ve proved it before and I’m sure you’ll do it again. Just follow your emotions like last time. »

He did really want to believe him, he wanted to give his best performance for his fellow club members. Then why was it so hard to have faith in himself?

He was still keeping a grimace when Roman brought up all his courage and leaned his hands at the sides of Virgil’s face to place a kiss on his forehead.

« I believe in you. »

To assure yourself a good success, it can be required to change something up in order to gain an even larger public.

Cicero was a good example to make: he came up with his sermones for the trials, learnt them by heart, recited them during his prosecutions and had a trusted servant that he had freed afterwards, Tiro, take notes on what he said during the trial. Once it was over, and most likely won, he would go back home and confront his first draft with Tiro’s notes, he would combine them an create a greater sermo and publish it for all the Romans to see.

That was what Virgil was reminded of when the theater teachers told them they had an idea to improve even more Dionysus and Pentheus’ interactions.

Also, that was the reason why he was then standing in the middle of the stage at the provincial theatre at the end of May or early June, Roman in front of him who had just approached him. Or, more precisely, the reason why he lifted his arm to place a finger on Roman’s cheek and lightly push his head to the side, just the little bit he needed.

His eyes scanned Roman’s hair. « This lock of your hair has come out of place, not the way I arranged it under your headband. » he tilted his head to the side, returning his glance on his eyes.

« It must have worked loose, when I was dancing for joy. » Roman’s voice sounded dreamy, almost surreal, like he wasn’t even in that world.

« Well, I will rearrange it, » Virgil took both of his hands in a comforting manner. « Since to tend thee is my care; » he lifted his chin afterwards. « Hold up your head. » he commanded.

« Here, you arrange it; for I depend on you, indeed. »

He raised a hand to move Roman’s hair back under the headband. Both his fingers and the silence lingered, like the stare they kept up.

Build tension.

And they did, in an achingly slow pattern, give the audience little hints.

Like when Dionysus made the physical contact linger, on his hair, on his dress, on his hand when he gave him the thyrsos, when the angered expressions shifted into softer ones, or they stood closer than they should have.

Dionysus was almost as good as Hermes with lies, he was a god of disguises, after all. The god kept on filling the king of fake praises.

« You will spoil me. »

« I mean to spoil you. »

Make them expectant.

Before they realized, they were both in the back of the stage, still clearly visible to their public, while a group of students, the messengers, explained the tale of how Pentheus, once reached the Bacchantes, came to his fall.

Roman was standing in front of Virgil, behind him the crowd of Maenads was starting to get up, slowly, and approach. Virgil stepped closer, putting his hands on Roman’s shoulders.

« And there came a great voice out of heaven. Dionysos’, it must have been, crying: “Women, I bring you the man who has mocked at you and me and at our holy mysteries. Take vengeance upon him.” »

And turn your back on them at the last second.

Virgil shoved Roman to the group, and he fell behind, his back against the Maenads’ arms. The lights on them went off.

« Happy was the hunting. »

✾✾✾✾

« If you need help the reception at the front will be open until you guys aren’t finished. » and with that, the two fellow actors were dismissed by their teachers along with a couple of other group members.

Saying that it had been a wild night of success was an understatement, as Virgil and Roman found themselves at almost two a.m. still fully clothed with their play costumes and not a single bit of make up wiped away.

Way too many people from the audience stopped to greet them and compliment their talent, some had even full conversations with them and never seemed to want to let them go.

When they thought they had finally broken free of the people’s questions, they were met with a local journalist who demanded an interview with the main actors and the heads of the group. They both thought their success was insane, but they couldn’t help but feeling prideful about it.

Mrs. Eagan and Mrs. Michaelis had waited for most of the students to leave with their relatives before deciding they could go home themselves and accompany some of the remaining ones.

They had made sure Virgil and Roman were fine with being left alone in the biggest theater they had ever acted in, trusting them enough since, in the end, both of them had reached 18 already and they were adults in the teachers’ eyes.

So, as any adult would do, they politely told them they didn’t have to worry and they could go home right then and there. They kept their poised stances until the little group was gone.

Then, they grinned at each other and made the most of it.

There was no spot they couldn’t say they hadn’t checked out or touched, they admired props lying around for other productions. Or the costumes they probably weren’t supposed to know about in bigger dressing rooms.

It was hilarious: two actors running around the backstage of a theater, one dressed like an ancient Greek god, the other still in full Maenad look, the fake fawn skin now in his arms.

As they finally went back to the rooms reserved to their school, they started helping each other out, a good teamwork, with taking off bobby pins still stuck in their (very soft, Roman had to note) hair.

They took their precious time in cleaning their faces free of foundation, eyeliner and all the other products they didn’t even know had been used. By that, of course, we mean smearing mascara under their eyes and looking like absolute messes before wiping it off completely.

The oh-so-fun aura died down when it came to take off their costumes and slide back into their normal clothes.

It meant they were done, that they would’ve gone home after that and their experience was over. End of the games, just like that.

Roman didn’t think so.

Virgil had just gotten in his small dressing room, those same ones that you see in clothing shops, when he jumped at Roman storming in immediately after, tugging at the curtain to block out the rooms light.

« What the fuck, man? » Virgil had his body completely pressed to the wall, next to him a mirror and Roman on the other side.

He had a mischievous smile on his lips, one Virgil didn’t really trust.

« I had a thought. »

« That’s a first! »

« Stop doing that, » Roman whined before recomposing himself. « You should help me. »

Virgil wasn’t sure he had heard correctly, did he just say- « What? »

« You helped me with it on the stage, might as well help me out of them too, wine god. » he giggled in such an annoying way that Virgil felt the need to punch his face but also write a poem about how adorable he was at the same time. The duality of a poor tired guy who didn’t know what to do with his feelings anymore.

« You’re the laziest person I know. »

Virgil took the tiniest step forward, then moved his fingers on the front buttons of Roman’s shirt and started working on them.

Silence fell over and now he was painfully aware of his breathing, of the heat rushing to his face which he fought back. But how could he when Roman’s breath tickled his cheeks with every exhale?

He could practically feel his stare, it was that same one sensation of impatience and distraction that eventually forced you to look up in curiosity.

But when Virgil did, he found out he wasn’t looking at him.

Well, technically, he was, but their eyes didn’t meet; Roman’s stare was, rather, lingering on the line of his jaw, then trailing down his neck.

Virgil moved slowly.

Next thing he knew, Roman’s hands were untangling the strings on his clothes.

« What are you doing? » he didn’t mean to sound so quiet.

Roman didn’t take his eyes off of the laces. « I’m undressing you. »

And that was the last straw, because after that Virgil absolutely and very clearly lost it.

He took his wrists and pushed forward: Roman’s back touched the room’s wall with a small thud and his hands were brought above his head, pinned by Virgil’s own.

Virgil surged upward, stopping exactly as his lips ghosted over Roman’s, and everything was clear to him.

Pothos, the desire of something or someone that is far away, that achingly long time you��ve been waiting for the moment to present itself and give you the chance of satisfaction.

With that millimeter between them, Virgil just knew it was still too much to bear. Neither would have felt complete.

It was when Roman finally, finally closed the gap and transformed the longing into passion that he understood. He truly understood it all.

Himeros, the desire of something or someone that is right in front of you, and yet the one that makes you feel like something’s wrong.

It is the concept of love as missing, almost physically, yearning for the object of your dreams to reciprocate your feelings or simply be there.

Virgil pressed his lips desperately on Roman’s; to hell with it, he wanted to feel the wholeness Aristophanes liked to talk about in his myth. He wanted to know what the demon, son of Pòros and Penìa, was like when he possessed his senses. He wanted to understand the link between beauty and life that only the gods could fathom.

He wanted to experience the thousand, then hundred and a thousand more kisses Catullus wrote about, to the point of not being able to keep the count anymore. Or see the same beauty Sappho saw in the objects of her love as she remembered them while lying down with the moonlight brushing her skin.

He wanted to see the world slowly rebuild itself, just like Tityrus had seen thanks to his love for Amaryllis, the tale Virgil, the Latin poet, had narrated.  Orpheus’ willingness to go to the end of time, to the end of the earth for Eurydice.

And Roman was able to give all of that to him with a single, gentle touch. Roman was his mean to reach the deity’s realm, the muse that sang to him his epic poem.

For a moment, they believed they didn’t need to breathe at all.

Roman slid his hands into Virgil’s, bringing them down and leaving them at the sides of his face as his own searched for Virgil’s back to hold him closer and pressed their bodies flushed, he needed to understand the completeness.

Begrudgingly, he left the taste of Virgil’s chapstick to leave a trail of slow and gentle kisses down his neck, leaving red marks here and there as he made his way.

Roman shifted, stumbled around and Virgil couldn’t care less when he found himself with his back against the mirror, its coldness a contrast to the rising heat of his body.

They met again in a deeper, open mouthed kiss, tongues having a dance they would have never wanted to conclude.

A myriad of feelings were bursting in their chests, Roman was pretty sure that the butterflies had now become a greater beast, blissfully twisting his insides. He finally had a word for it: it was a catastrophe.

The way Virgil’s nails grazed his skin, how his hands held onto his shoulders, or his fingers just barely brushing the hair on his neck, occasionally tugging at it. Devastating. Their breaths mixed, their hearts pounding alongside, an unbearable cacophony echoing through the air between them.

Pulling apart and diving back in, terrific.

Roman moved away only to take a moment to appreciate the sight and fathom what a tremendous work of art they had done. And it was wonderful.

With every single aspect of themselves, they had created a breathtaking painting, the awe upon the sculpture of Laocoon.

Roman raised his hands to cup Virgil’s cheeks, brushing those beautifully red swollen lips with his thumbs. He allowed himself to smile and catch Virgil’s lower lip between his teeth one last time.

Dizzy, light-headed and catching his breath, he would have sworn he had just experienced the Stendhal syndrome.

Time slipped before they decided to change, give themselves a rest and find a place to sit down.

Virgil melted as Roman refused to let go of his hand, or his arm, shoulder, waist, anything that could possibly indicate that he was still there and it wasn’t all a dream.

« Hey. » Roman suddenly looked up and met Virgil’s searching eyes. « I’m not going anywhere. » his own eyes fell to the hand he had clasped in both of his, clutching it like a life-saver.

« Oh, I- » his giggle sounded a bit too loud. « Sorry, I just. » the right words, where were the right words when he needed them? « Are you sure? » his voice was barely above a whisper.

Wait. That wasn’t what he wanted to say. Where did that come from- what was that sad look on Virgil’s face?

Roman felt the other’s hand tighten around his. « I am utterly and perfectly sure, Roman. I’m exactly where I want to be. »

« In a deserted theater at three in the morning with a nerd from the languages course? »

Virgil chuckled. « Don’t do that, you know what I’m talking about. »

« I suppose. »

« Alright. » Virgil shifted so that he was completely facing him, he took both his hands and held them while looking right into his eyes. « You can tell me if something’s bothering you. »

Roman felt himself blush, he had been exposed, and something was pinching his stomach. He had to let it out.

« It’s kind of weird, but … I’m still kind of afraid you might reject me. And you could think it is because I don’t trust you, which is not true, but I wouldn’t blame you, then you could start hating me- anyone could start hating me at any given time and I’m just- I’m just trying to understand myself, I’ve only started to do so and I’m scared anyone could leave me exactly because of that and it would shatter me. »

Roman breathed in deeply, that was the most he had ever revealed of his dark thoughts, yet it was still so little and he knew he wouldn’t have been satisfied enough with a single conversation.

« I understand how you feel. » Oh. « I think like that, too, sometimes. Often times. And I can’t promise you all that will be gone in the blink of an eye. But we can work on it together, if you’re willing to. »

« We can? » he tentatively glanced up.

« We can. » Virgil reassured, gifting him a genuine smile.

Roman threw his arms around his neck, whispering a thank you in his ear as Virgil returned the hug just as tight.

« Come on now, or the receptionist will most likely fall asleep on us. »

Roman didn’t move as the other got up and felt himself stop in his tracks by Roman’s hand. He turned around, the sitting boy glued his eyes to the ground.

« Can you do me a favor? » his voice was barely above a whisper, like he was actually talking to himself.

« Of course. »

« I’m not even sure about it, but I’ll never be if I don’t try it first. » Roman began explaining. « Can you use neutral pronouns with me? Just you, I want to see if I’m comfortable with it. »

Virgil gifted them a smile. « Certainly. Also, you don’t need to justify yourself, just say the word. »

Roman tackled him in another hug. « You’re the best, holy shit. »

« Please, no, I have a reputation to maintain. »

« What reputation? »

« Excuse you? »

« No, wait I didn’t mean it like tha- Vir- Wait for me! I don’t know the way- »

« You’re going home alone. »

« No wait, I’m afraid of the dark! »

« Good luck with the monsters. »

« How could you say that?! »

Needless to say, in a minute their hands were linked again.

✾✾✾✾

Exams were in ten days.

That night, though, the students from the last year didn’t care. Along with the ones from the other years, they showed up to celebrate their well deserved end of the school year.

The party was something simple, there was music and drinks, but most importantly, there were too many people.

That was something Virgil had never liked; despite that, though, he had found quite a pleasant company. Yes, he had gone with Roman and yes, he had to stop himself before he ruined their makeup with kisses for how gorgeous they looked.

They had made their entrance and, in a second, they were joined by none other than their three favorite fellow actors.

« Imagine we actually did those King and Queen of the night, like they do in those movies. » Dave suggested. « If I were ever to win, I’d give you my crown, Ro-bro. »

« Why would that be? » Bonnie questioned, if she knew something, it was Dave’s love for his personal stuff.

« Because as Cadmus I’ve already done my duty as sovereign so I’m passing my throne to my child. »

« Hearing you say that while I’m older than you is kind of weird- »

« Also! » he interrupted again. « Because you’re the worst drama queen I’ve ever known. »

Roman snorted while Virgil nodded solemnly; that was the Dave they had learnt to know.

« I would say you’re not too far from it either. » Lukas barged in, handing one of the drinks he was carrying to Bonnie. He had left the group to get them a few moments earlier.

Snickers filled the air between them while Dave gave him a mischievous look. « Aw, here I thought you had gone off with your boyfriend. »

« Wait, what? Why do I not know of this? » Virgil protested, arching an eyebrow toward the boy in question.

Lukas rolled his eyes so hard they thought for a second that they couldn’t see his irises anymore. « He’s not. And, for the record, he’s annoying. »

« Huh. » Roman shifted his gaze and looked over Lukas’ shoulder. « I don’t think the feeling is mutual. »

Virgil turned to see a tall blonde and over excited guy waving wildly at them. Heh, he could understand his friend’s motives.

Dave waved back with an idea in mind, yelling a “hello” from a distance, then he grabbed Lukas’ shoulders and shoved him towards the other boy. « Go get him, tiger. »

« I hate you so much. »

The bunch cheered and laughed altogether, checking their friend from a distance.

« And Bonnie, » Cadmus’ actor really had something for everybody that night, didn’t he? « Don’t think I haven’t noticed your heart eyes at that Hiro dude from the Art course. »

As if on cue, the girl went wide eyed and red in the face: it took a couple of encouragements before she was off, too, on her love quest.

« As for you two. » the actor began, pointing his fingers toward Virgil and Roman. « Go have fun already. » he ordered with a genuine smile, then he decided to add on with a softer tone. « Maybe somewhere you won’t be afraid to at least hold hands. »

Oh. So he had noticed how they were subtly standing extra close.

« Are you trying to get rid of all of us so you can hook up with someone yourself? » Roman teased, arching their eyebrow.

Dave simply chuckled and showed them the way to a flight of stairs that led to an outer terrace.

« Don’t be arodiculus, Ro-bro. »

« Did you just- »

« Yes, I did. Now, have fun, lovebirds! » Dave pat each on their shoulders and disappeared into the crowd behind themselves.

Roman shook their head with a small smile, then they extended their arm for Virgil to take their hand, which he very much gladly did. They marched up the stairs and finally they were breathing pure air.

Virgil walked up to the railing of the terrace, letting go of Roman and leaning into the sight of the nightly town.

« I thought I was going to suffocate in there. »

« You should have told me if you wanted some quiet time, you know. »

« Shush, silence is in town. » he gestured to the tranquil city in front of them. « Keep her around. »

Roman laughed quietly. They approached Virgil and they rested their chin between his neck and shoulder, wrapping their arms around his chest.

« Will you ever stop making references to emo bands? »

« Honestly, the fact that you know of them really does say something about you. »

« I’m going to remind you that I could literally throw you off this building right now. »

Virgil set his hands around their wrists and hummed. « Normally I would’ve shoved you away, but I kind of like this, so. »

This time, Roman didn’t pretend they didn’t feel the welcome giddy feeling in their stomach and allowed themselves to look even more delighted than usual when they were around him.

« And I kind of like you. » they admitted, turning their head to place a quick kiss on his cheek.

« You’re a sap, Princey. »

« No, I mean it. »

That was definitely Virgil’s cue to melt right on the spot. No grand gestures needed, simple words of appreciation were enough to push his overload of positive emotions button. Roman had wondered more than once how much he had been neglected affection before they were there to tend to his well-being.

« Ro … you don’t have- »

« I want to, Virgil. » the way they directly spoke into his ear sent shivers down his spine.

« I believe in us together more than anyone else. » they mused, Roman was looking ahead of him, eyes occasionally shifting to the starry sky above them.

They tightened their embrace. « I believe that with each other, we are stronger than we know. »

You’re gonna make me cry. Virgil thought he had actually said it, instead his voice died in his throat as he tried to blink back the heartfelt joyful tears that threatened to make an appearance.

Roman stepped away and he already missed the warmth. They turned Virgil to face him and rested their hands on his cheeks, looking lovingly into his eyes. It was too dark to determine the color, but none would have been able to make them forget their glow.

« I- » Virgil felt in an helpless dire need of intelligent words.

« Sh, don’t say it. » Roman’s smile was far too soft to bear. « I know. »

He didn’t know what to do. He once believed he could recognize what that kind of feeling was, little did he know he was so wrong. It was nothing like he had experienced before and Roman taught him what it really meant.

« I just wanted to thank you. » Virgil admitted before they could stop him. « For opening up to me and trusting me with all the issues that have come to your mind recently. » he went through some of them silently in his memory. « And the ones that have been in the back of your head for far too long. » there was a reprimanding tone in his voice and Roman kind of felt like they deserved it.

« Sometimes it is nice to be reminded I’m not the only one to think about themselves as a bit broken. »

« Which you definitely aren’t. » Roman was quick to retort. « And I should be the one thanking you, so don’t even get me started on that. »

Virgil snorted and nodded slightly.

« In conclusion, » Roman started, pausing dramatically. Then, they leaned in just that essential amount to grant themselves the perfect special effect. Their voice was warm and emotional. « I’m so fucking glad I fell in love with you. »

Virgil didn’t fight his wish to surge up and kiss them senseless.

✾✾✾✾

The chorus of Bacchantes stood, covering the view of the back of the stage. Their gazes were fixated on the ground. They were still, making no sound. Bronze statues.

Dionysus and Pentheus appeared at each side of the stage, walking towards each other and meeting in the middle. The god placed his hand on the other’s shoulder and they both faced the audience.

They broke the fourth wall.

« So ends the play and Pentheus’ story » the king declared, searching for the public’s reaction.

Dionysus scanned them too, after taking a step forward, almost at the edge of the pavement.

The curtains started to close, leaving the god in between.

A cryptic smile danced on his lips as a provocation left his mind.

« Isn’t it the thing we hate or fear the most the one that remarkably fascinates and intrigues us? »

He stepped away. The god had vanished.

The audience breathed in and out, and the curtains met at last.

✾✾✾✾

Taglist: @lesbianturtle @len-art-trash @i-need-you-buddy @jeevashun @quietlypondering  @creativity-killed-thekitten @bookwyrminspiration @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing  @softanxiouspatton @be-more-chaotic @pheonix-inside-reblogs @www-dot-ohshit-dot-com @datfearlessfangirl @alltimevirgilant @royalnerd829 @just-fic-me-up @theblankest123 @theotherella @thesleepyraziel @gaylotusthatexists @sendingcookiesfromhell @mijako98 @logicalberry @maybe-i-like-the-misery @orderly-opaline @purpledemond @nafsbluebery @tefff696 @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @quietwords-loudthoughts @sam-the-human

[collapsingintojupiter]

Philosophy and Hot Chocolate

And look who’s back with some more dumb fanfiction rambles

ha, yeah, that would be

this bastard.

@just-perhaps wanted to see the braincell boys debate, so I bring you all this. You’re welcome.

Characters: Logan, Deceit (sympathetic), Roman, Patton, Virgil.

Pairings: None. Just platonic all around here.

Warnings: Alcohol mention, and Idk of anything else? Let me know if you’d like something added tho.

It was getting late in the diner. For Logan, that was nothing new. He just sat quietly at his booth by himself like he always did, absentmindedly stirring a cup of black coffee with a spoon and ignoring the creamer that was in a tiny metal bucket near his mug. Few customers remained as per usual at this hour, which meant that the place was finally, relatively quiet. 

For a cutesy diner, things got interesting here after about 10pm. All the nice pictures crowding the walls became dark with shadow after the sun went down and the lights dimmed, and the little knick knacks began to look like haunted artifacts from their perches around various shelves in the main room. 

Logan liked that about this place. When the night got old everyone else was gone, but the diner still remained open like it always did, dutifully serving its customers clear into the next morning. The night shift had started a few hours ago now; but one lonely staff member standing behind the bar with a few of the usual drunks. They’d be leaving soon enough when they got too rowdy to stay, and then finally he could have his silence.

Then the door opened. 

Logan looked up as a strangely-dressed character entered the diner, a bowler hat topping off his honey-colored hair, tanned skin, and sharp green eyes. A thin scar ran up from the left side of his mouth to the base of his ear; a mouth that was currently twisted into something that looked like a smirk as he slowly sauntered past the empty tables, then slid into the booth across from Logan. 

“You look bored,” he said. 

“I’m not.” Logan glanced across the table at the stranger, who was wearing a yellow shirt and black jacket over top. He looked like a hornet. “Interesting clothing choice,” he commented.

“I might say the same about you.”

Logan glanced down at the black shirt and tie he currently wore, then raised an eyebrow. 

“Fair enough.”

“Hey Logan, can I get something for your friend here?” Both turned as a new character approached, this one with curly hair that hung over round glasses and a light blue apron. His name tag read Patton. 

“You’re a regular here,” the other man said. 

“And you’re not.” Logan looked over at Patton. “Can we get a basket of fries?”

“Of course!” Patton smiled at him, then turned to the hornet man. “Can I get you anything, sir?”

“Iced tea. Unsweetened.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” Patton flashed them a smile and left, humming something to himself as he disappeared into the back room. The stranger raised an eyebrow at Logan.

“Fries?” he asked.

“I don’t see why not.” 

“It’s almost midnight.” 

“Says the one ordering iced tea.”

“That’s not the same.” Logan only shrugged, automatically reaching up to adjust his glasses.

“Maybe for you it isn’t.” He yawned, turning as Patton returned to the table with a small red basket of fries, offering the waiter a nod as it was set down in front of him. 

“Thank you, Patton.” 

“Sure thing! You guys just let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

The stranger reached across the table as Patton returned to his station by the bar, grabbed a fry, and took a bite. 

“I like these,” he decided after a moment, and reached for another one. 

“Do I get a name?” Logan asked. 

“No.”

“Very well, Diogenes.” The other man sipped at his iced tea. 

“A famous cynical philosopher. Touché.” He smiled a bit behind his drink as Logan reached for a fry. “My name’s Dorian.”

“Logan, as I believe you’ve already heard.” Dorian nodded to him, then took another fry. 

“I was correct in my guess that you were educated.”

“Oh?”

“The only people who frequent these places at this hour are either genius, drunk, or mad. Because you clearly aren’t drunk and you don’t speak like a churchish pig, genius is the only category I’m left with to define you by.”

“You forgot a category,” Logan stated, sipping at his coffee. He took a fry, looked at his drink, and dipped it in his coffee before trying it. Too bitter. He made a face and sipped at his coffee again, trying to wash out the weird taste in his mouth.

“What would that category be?” Dorian asked, looking amused at Logan’s unsuccessful flavor combination. 

“Desperate. And perhaps...adventurous, though those show up rarely. Even they sleep.”

“Desperate falls under the category of mad, I believe. Adventurous certainly does.”

“How so?”

“Mad with desperation, for example. That is a thing, you know.” Dorian took another fry. Someone in a far booth gave them an odd look. He looked drunk, though he had no beer in front of him and hadn’t been to the bar all evening.

“I am aware of that phrase. However, it all depends on your definition of mad, and your definition of desperation,” Logan countered. Dorian smirked. 

“Tell me more.” 

Logan tilted his head, then shrugged and adjusted his glasses again. This wasn’t the strangest thing that had happened to him by far, and he saw no harm in rolling along with the visit of this strange “Dorian” character as long as he remained civil. Which, so far, he had. 

A waltz started to play quietly in the diner. 

“For starters,” Logan said, pulling on his ‘teaching voice’ as he began, “the phrase ‘mad with desperation,’ as you put it, hinges on the definition of both words, not just the one or the other. Madness can mean anything from insanity and psychosis according to some, to mental illness, to mere eccentricity, which by psychological definition is not mad, but merely different from the norm. Desperation, on the other hand, can mean several different things as well. Someone desperate to use the restroom, for example, may come here to relieve themselves. Or on the other end of the spectrum, someone fleeing a toxic or abusive situation may wish to seek temporary shelter here. You would not call them mad, would you?”

Dorian leaned back, sipping at his iced tea. 

“I suppose I would not,” he conceded at last. “You intrigue me, Oh-One-With-The-Glasses.” 

Logan hummed his reply, then looked aside. “Ah, more visitors. I thought he’d come over here eventually.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare...” The man who had been watching them earlier now spoke up, standing behind Dorian with a partially apprehensive, partially embarrassed expression. A red and white varsity jacket hung from his shoulders, which were slumped with what Logan guessed to be exhaustion. “Ah...does your table have room for one more?” Dorian and Logan exchanged glances. 

“I suppose so. Who would you like to accompany for this fine conversation, Logan or myself?” Dorian asked. The new character looked between the two, then sat next to Dorian, who obligingly scooted over to make room. 

“I’m Roman,” he said as he sat down, his face blushing a delicate shade of red. “You guys... uh...you seemed interesting, I-I guess.”

“We met less than ten minutes ago,” Logan stated bluntly. 

“Ah, but that’s the fun part!” Dorian grinned at last, looking between Logan and the new visitor. “See, the reason that drunks, geniuses, and madmen all visit this place at this time is because the line between each is so thin, it may as well not exist at all.”

“I don’t drink,” Logan said. 

“For some of us, anyhow.” Dorian looked over at Roman. “And where do you fall in this category?”

“You two are insane.” Roman shook his head, reaching for a fry. “But...I couldn’t get to sleep, for some reason. Figured I might as well go somewhere rather than toss and turn all night.”

“Madman,” Dorian said with a nod, chuckling at Roman’s half-tired, half-outraged expression.

“Ha,” he said. “I guess you’re not wrong.”

“You’re sleep deprived,” Logan said. 

“Eh,” Dorian waved his hand, which had a yellow glove on it that Logan hadn’t noticed before. “Same difference, right Roman?”

“Falsehood. Just because the majority of a population believes in a fact or observation does not make said fact or observation correct. For example, the geocentric theory was believed by the majority in some places for hundreds of years, until science proved them wrong.” Logan crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. “Therefore, your statement is invalid.”

“I’m not following,” Roman mumbled. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Dorian locked eyes with Logan and grinned again. “This has been much more invigorating than I had expected...I like you,” he announced. 

“Just like that?” another voice asked. 

“Patton!” Logan spun around, and the waiter tilted his head at him. “You...you startled me.”

“Oh, sorry!” Patton held up his hands, still smiling cheerfully (how did he do that at this hour, anyways?). “It’s just me! My other customers left, so you guys are the only ones still in here.”

“You’re bored,” Dorian stated, and Patton nodded. 

“Welcome to the table.”

“What is it with you and inviting people to a table that’s not yours?” Logan asked as he scooted aside for Patton to take a seat next to him. “Some people would consider that to be bad manners, you know.”

“You’re not ‘some people,’ however, so that statement is redundant.”

“...Fair point.”

“You guys are insane,” Roman said again. 

“Everything is insane depending on how you look at it.” Dorian looked at his empty iced tea, then shrugged and grabbed another fry. 

“Do you want a refill?” Patton asked. 

“I’d like that.”

“Can I have hot chocolate?” Roman looked up from where he’d been staring at Dorian’s gloves, tilting his head slightly. 

“Sure!” Patton got up and quickly disappeared into the back room, returning a few minutes later with the ordered items. Roman sipped at his hot chocolate and nodded. 

“This is good,” he announced loudly as he set his mug down. “Good hot chocolate.”

“A real philosopher, are you?” Dorian asked with an amused look. 

“No philosophy, only chocolate.” Roman hugged his mug close to him and began whispering something at it. Logan raised an eyebrow. 

“So...you wish to debate?” he asked slowly, locking eyes with Dorian. 

“Pick a topic,” Dorian answered, leaning back against the booth. “Whatever you want.” 

“Oooh, this is gonna be fun!” Patton grinned, reaching for a fry and munching on it while he watched. Logan leaned back in his seat as well; looking at Dorian; considering his offer. 

“Human morality,” he said at last. “Tell me your opinion.”

“You choose a fascinating topic. Kudos to you.” Dorian sipped at his new glass of iced tea. 

“It’s useless and we’re all gonna die,” said a new voice. 

“Did I advertise a party over here?” Logan looked over at the new voice, who belonged to a grumpy-looking character with purple-dyed hair and eyeshadow-smudged cheeks.

"Hey Virgil!" Patton said cheerfully. "What brings you here from the back?"

"Boredom," was the answer. Virgil pointed at Roman. "And that idiot's shouting."

"You just don't understand chocolate," Roman declared, looking up from his mug. Virgil rolled his eyes and adjusted the patch jacket around his shoulders. 

"Scoot," he said to Patton, who obligingly moved over so he could sit. Logan made a face as he retreated to the corner of his booth to make room, but didn't object.

What a night this was turning out to be.

"As I was saying," Dorian said, waving a gloved hand in the air as he spoke. “Morality. That certainly has a fascinating role in society, does it not? After all, without it we wouldn’t have a society.”

“And we’d all be dead,” Virgil added. Dorian glared at him. 

“Not my point.”

“You believe that morality is necessary to form a society?” Logan asked. 

“I believe it is necessary to form a society such as the ones we humans live in, yes.” 

“Fascinating.” Logan leaned back against his booth, automatically reaching up a hand to fidget with his tie. 

“Mmmm...chocolate,” Roman murmured into his mug. 

“I mean, think about it,” Dorian continued, glancing at Roman but ignoring his dramatic proclamation. “Without morality, we would have no system of justice, which can only logically produce anarchy. The system of ‘strongest wins all’ would be the only system, larger governments couldn’t possibly form, and so on and so forth. Morality is necessary for the existence of society, and also beneficial to those who know how to exploit it.”

“Which is why it is not the groundwork of society, but a mere addition,” Logan cut in. “After all, society cannot exist without structure, no matter how advanced the morals of its citizens are. Logically, people will naturally come together for the benefit of the group, and a system of justice would arise by itself in order to preserve the good of the many. Therefore, morality isn’t necessary for justice at all; rather, it can actually hinder it due to the actions of those with morals that are considered to be ‘bad.’” He leaned forward and took a sip from his tea with a smirk, watching Dorian for a reaction. The other man grinned at him for the third time that night. 

“Well done, Logan,” he said. “I applaud you.” He raised an eyebrow. “So, you believe morals are unnecessary?” 

“They are for me.” At last, Logan himself grinned, sliding the bill over to Dorian and standing up. 

“Checkmate.”

[today-only-happens-once]

Roman’s Arc: It’s Continuation in “Selfishness v. Selflessness”

I’ve seen a few posts over recent months talking about Roman Sanders’ character arc. Many of them discuss the arc as if it is something yet to come, rather than actively in progress, and I’d like to take a moment to present and discuss the idea that Roman’s arc has been unfolding gradually over the course of several videos. I think the newest video, “Selfishness v. Selflessness” is evidence of that.

This post is mostly about analyzing Roman’s development in the newest video with regards to the arc I’ve seen developing for quite some time. It’s probably my my favorite analysis I’ve written, because I felt like I was discovering as I wrote it. Without further ado, let’s begin. 

Roman is the first of the Sides to appear in this video, and for good reason. Thomas announces that he has a movie audition with Alfred Hitchcopalukas movie. In many ways, the beginning of this episode hearkens back to “I’M IN A DISNEY SHOW!!”. Celebratory, excited, and barely able to contain himself. 

Undoubtedly--from the very beginning--we know this opportunity means a great deal to Roman. We see that very clearly in Roman’s reaction to this moment,:

Deceit: Do you want the part in the movie or not?

But what’s telling, I think, is that Roman doesn’t speak for Thomas at first. It’s not until Thomas hesitates--and Deceit presses Thomas again with “Do you want the part or not?”--that Roman jumps in with “Of course he does!” 

He then goes on, after some back and forth with Patton and Deceit, to try to defend his perspective: 

Roman: I mean... things come up, you know? If Thomas’s Aunt Patty were in the hospital, then he would get a free pass to miss the wedding. Why should it be any different when something good comes up?

It’s important to note here that Roman--at this point--isn’t advocating for lying. When Deceit says that he likes Roman’s “Aunt Patty in the hospital excuse”, Roman’s response is “oh, I-I wasn’t--” before he’s cut off, indicating that he probably didn’t mean for that to be an excuse, but rather an example of something that would get Thomas that “free pass”. However... 

Deceit is nothing if not observant, and he certainly is manipulative. In many ways, he’s already begun his attempts to manipulate the Sides but he seems particularly interested in manipulating Roman. We see threads of this begin in the overlapping dialogue:

Roman and Deceit: What about us?

Patton and Virgil: What about us?

Deceit: Wow, guys, it’s so cool how you never listen to Roman.

Virgil: Why is he still here?!

Roman: Why am I still here?

Deceit: Wow. 

Virgil: I meant Deceit.

And, in fact, Virgil’s question comes to be a major one to ask. When Deceit points out that his very presence--and the fact that he is still there--suggests something about Thomas, Roman seems to take particular interest in that:

And then he’s thrust into the role of Judge. Throughout much of the trial, Roman seems to have this thick bravado on. Big gesturing, loud voice, humor delivered at not always appropriate times (”HEYO” for example). He buys into Deceit’s flattery--which once again reminds us of “Can Lying Be Good?”--time and again such as the following example:

Deceit [to Patton]: ‘Roman’? It’s ‘Your Honor’ to you. 

Roman: Hm. Sustained. 

This bravado is something that has been abundantly clear in previous videos, especially as Roman and the Sides have worked to let him release it. To speak to this point, I’d like to briefly turn back to “Learning New Things About Ourselves”, particularly Roman’s second section of “Incomplete”:

Roman: I’ve got an issue that feels new school. I don’t want to say I’m too cool, but I’m just too fab for you fools and I feel like you don’t get me. 

Thomas: You insulted us while venting.

Roman: Sorry--

Thomas: It’s all right, Princey. Honestly, it didn’t hurt me. It’s clear you’re the one that’s hurting.

Virgil: You feel low.

Roman: That’s not true. 

Patton: It’s okay.

Roman: Don’t assume.

Thomas: You don’t need to save face

Virgil: In almost any case

T, V, P: We embrace you.

Roman: That’s rich.

Virgil: No one hates you. 

[emphasis added]

Where we first saw a crack in Roman’s facade during the Crofters video, LNTAO was really the first time we see Roman being allowed to let down those walls. This is the first time he’s specifically called out for his bravado (”you don’t need to save face”). And in both the end of LNTAO and Embarassing Phases, we see Roman relaxing that bravado a bit:

Logan: You’re all better now, right, Roman?

Roman: Maybe not. But I’ll not shy away from it any longer.

-Learning New Things About Ourselves

Roman: That absolutely defeated me. I couldn’t cope with the fact that we weren’t on the same level as all the other incredible cosplayers at the cons you attended.

Patton: Aw, that was big of you to admit, Roman.

-Embarrassing Phases

But Roman pulls the bravado back on in Selfishness v. Selflessness. In many ways, this doesn’t come as a surprise, as painful as it is to see happen. Roman’s intense, deep desire for Thomas to pursue the callback audition over the wedding is held back only by the understanding that Thomas may not make that decision. Roman is aware that he may come out of this conversation devastated. And the first time we see a real crack in that bravado is the second he’s in the witness stand:

Deceit: Your name is Roman, correct?

Roman: The one and lonely.* What? Freudian slip. 

 [*Quick side-tangent that this line, in addition to being a crack in Roman’s bravado, may also foreshadow what Thomas confesses later on the stand himself in regards to why he doesn’t want to go to the wedding.]

 Roman is holding onto this bravado with both hands, even lying through his teeth initially to do it. In his effort--at first--to avoid being perceived as hurt, when Patton asks how he’d feel if Liza Minelli canceled on his wedding, his first response is to say, “wouldn’t bother me. Her not being there doesn’t change the fact that it’s my big day.” It’s only when Patton asks him again that Roman confesses “SO I would be devastated”. 

However, Roman then goes on to assert his own opinion on the issue so as to encourage Thomas to choose the audition over the wedding. I think some of this is because Roman feels conflicted in his own right. He evidently wants Thomas to go to the audition instead of the wedding--he blatantly says so. However, it’s important also to keep in mind that in the first Sides video, Roman’s gut response to identifying fears was “rejection” and he has--historically--expressed a deep concern with how others perceive and regard him; this is especially true with regards to Thomas, as was seen in “Am I Original?”

Roman: No! If I can’t come up with an original idea, what will you think of me? I can’t... let you down. 

Roman is held in a tension here between what he wants and the fear that if Thomas chooses otherwise, it will be devastating. I argue that this is why we get the following exchange while Thomas himself is on the stand being questioned by Deceit:

Deceit: Roman wants me to win, so...

Roman: Wha--What? Me? No. [scoffs] Come on.

Deceit: I know you’re lying, Roman. Like I said: everything has a purpose. And you’re denying yours. You want that callback so bad and it will crush you if we miss it.

And here is a shattering of the awkwardly worn bravado that Roman had tried to hard to put forward again. And once Roman’s has been ripped away from him, it doesn’t take long for Thomas to fall apart:

Thomas: Fine! I wanna go to the callback! I was planning on playing WordCrush on my phone during the wedding ceremony to keep my mind off the fact that I’m single. I don’t want to go. I’m afraid to go. And on top of that, a dream come true fell into my lap scheduled on the same day. Anyone would want to go to the callback. So yeah. I tried to force myself to forget about the wedding. And now I wanna lie to my friends so they don’t hate me for not supporting them. I am a liar. I’m a liar.

A lot of that monologue from Thomas speaks back to Roman. Roman’s “slip” that he’s lonely is a direct tie to Thomas’s desire to “keep [his] mind off the fact that [he’s] single”. The identification that the callback is “a dream come true” also connects directly to Roman not only because it’s in alignment with his personal desire for Thomas’s decision, but the specific language used in that phrasing “dream come true” is both fanciful and romantic--linking it directly to Roman. 

And then Roman surprises us: his “punishment” for Thomas is to miss the callback, and instead attend the wedding. When Deceit demands a reason, we see Roman’s bravado has completely evaporated. He’s quiet. Solemn. Understated. 

Roman: It’s my sworn duty to help Thomas achieve his hopes and dreams. But Thomas wouldn’t dream of attaining his hopes through deceitful means.

If I might put that into slightly different wording--as we’ve seen Roman describe himself as Thomas’s “hopes [and] dreams” in “Am I Original?”--Roman has come to understand that Thomas wouldn’t want him to become more like Deceit. Roman doesn’t want Thomas to achieve everything they’ve dreamed of only to arrive at the conclusion that he is, as Thomas claimed himself to be, “a liar”. 

And once that facade has been lowered, Roman keeps it lowered.

Deceit: And you want that stuff makes you happy, right?

Patton: Do I!

Roman: Do I. 

There is no illusion here--Roman’s punishment pains him to do. But he places the needs of everyone else above his own. Roman is beginning to release the mentality and bravado that made him claim “I’m the most important Side here!” in Learning New Things About Ourselves, and ask Thomas to forgo basic human needs in the name of dream-chasing in “Why Do We Get Out of Bed In the Morning?”.

Roman lets that brave face stay lowered through the end of the video (except the moment where he glares at Deceit when he says “there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want”), and it concludes with an extremely important moment between Thomas and Roman:

Thomas: Roman, I just, ah... I wanna thank you for helping to set me straight despite the cost. I... know that that wasn’t easy for you.

Roman: It wasn’t. But you’re welcome. 

And this--this moment of honesty and humility here--is a huge, monumental moment for Roman and his growth. 

Where this arc may yet continue to lead is TBD at the current moment. But Roman is growing and learning, and I think he’ll be moving forward with fewer blinders as it pertains to Deceit. I don’t think Roman will be so easily manipulated in the future--and I’ll be interested in what that may suggest about Roman’s honesty with himself as his character arc continues to develop. 

[imlovethomassanders]

DLAMP Human AU

So someone asked for human DLAMP headcanons

This started out as headcanons but then turned into a mini fic? I shouldn’t be surprised with myself.

This is post-college for all these boys

After graduating college, Logan is working on writing his first book as well as looking for internship opportunities.  He needed a roommate and found Roman online. Roman is an actor who always lands rolls for the local theater and who dreams of moving to New York to make his Broadway debut.  Between Logan looking for internships and Roman’s shows, the two work at coffee shop together, a job they both dread.

Virgil and Patton became best friends in college as they are both art majors.  The two of them live together and do commissions to help raise money, but it isn’t enough to help ends meet so Virgil works at a music store and Patton takes part-time jobs wherever needed.  His favorite is at the local animal shelter.

Deceit (let’s just call him Damien as that’s the placeholder name I chose) majored in theatrical makeup and has a rising YouTube channel for glamour and SFX makeup.  To help make ends meet he works at a makeup shop in town part-time, but hopes he can eventually do YouTube full time.

Roman lands the lead roll for a show.  Patton sees an ad for the theater saying they need painters for the sets and he quickly applies.  Damien decides to apply to do makeup for the theater as the pay was better than the barely-more-than-minimum-wage he got at the makeup store.

Patton meets Roman first.  They both get their early and find themselves chatting before work, the two hitting it off right away.  The two found themselves going out together on their lunch breaks every day.

Once all the sets were built, Patton didn’t want to leave the theater so he quickly asked for a different job backstage.  He was so friendly and helpful no one else wanted him to leave, so he got a job as an assistant for costuming.

Damien wasn’t needed until dress rehearsals started.  Damien’s general demeanor and snarkiness drew everyone away from him at first, but damn he was good at makeup, so they dealt with him.

At first, Patton seemed to be the only one Damien tolerated.  This surprised no one, as Patton got along with everybody.  Damien was assigned to help Roman with his makeup.  And while at first the two quipped at each other often, the two dramatics found their “arguments” becoming more and more joking and friendly, the two eventually growing to like each other.

The three were an unlikely trio, but they worked well together nonetheless.

While Patton was off working at the theater, Virgil was stuck at his job at the music store.  Which was fine at first, but his boss and his coworker were starting to drive him up the wall.

Virgil usually had trouble sleeping, but one night it was really bad.  The next morning he was exhausted.  And just his luck his coffee machine broke.  So he grabbed a few spare dollars he had lying around and stopped by a coffee shop on his way to work.

He was literally frozen in his tracks when he saw how cute the barista was.

At first he wanted to just leave, but then another wave of exhaustion hit him and he decided that he really needed coffee.

Logan was tired. Physically and mentally.  He hated this job and really just wanted to go home and check his emails to see if any company had responded.

And then there was a cute boy at the counter and Logan was much more awake.

Virgil went up and practiced his order in his head over and over.  He walked over to the counter and glanced down at the barista’s name tag.

Logan.

Virgil decided he wanted to stay at the coffee shop a little longer, so he sat down at a table by the window and pulled out his phone to text his boss.

Hey, bus ran late.  I’ll be at work later than usual. Okay, Virgil.  See you soon.

His boss didn’t need to know he walked to work everyday.

He found himself glancing at Logan from time to time, and was embarrassed that Logan caught him almost every time.

He was mortified when Logan actually sat down in front of him.

“You keep staring at me.”

All Virgil could do was continue to stare at Logan.  He felt as if Logan’s gaze was piercing his skin as he felt the blush rise into his cheeks.  He quickly picked up his coffee to give himself something to do.

“Do you want my number?”

Virgil almost choked on his coffee.

That evening, Virgil and Patton sat in the living room together while a movie played on the TV.  But neither of them were watching.

Virgil was too busy texting Logan, and Patton was in a group chat with Roman and Damien.

A similar scene occurred at Logan and Roman’s place that night.

Patton begged Virgil again and again to come see the show.  He was so proud of Roman and Damien and everyone else’s hard work, he wish everyone could have the chance to see it.  

So Virgil took an evening off work to go see the show, and (with support from Patton) invited Logan to see it with him, which Logan happily accepted.

Virgil and Logan arrived early so Patton could meet this “infamous Logan Virgil wouldn’t stop talking about.” (Virgil made Patton promise he wouldn’t say that in front of Logan.)

Logan was surprised at Patton’s... friendliness.  Sure, he was warned by Virgil before they arrived, but Logan never thought someone could be this genuinely friendly.

Before Virgil and Logan went to take their seats, Patton had hugged both of them.  And while Logan was usually not a large fan of physical contact, he was surprised that he found this hug from Patton not unwelcome.

The two were pleasantly surprised by the quality of the show, and (both would refuse to admit it if asked) they were definitely enraptured by the man playing the lead roll, which Virgil noted by the program that this was the “Roman” character Patton seemed smitten with.

During intermission Logan bought both of them drinks, and throughout the second act Virgil tried to build up the courage to hold Logan’s hand.  Logan noticed almost immediately, but wanted to see how far Virgil would be willing to go.  After a bit Logan took pity and grabbed Virgil’s hand himself.  He noticed Virgil tense up before relaxing a bit, entwining his fingers with Logan’s.

After the show, Patton dragged Virgil and Logan backstage as he wanted to introduce Damien and Roman.

Virgil and Logan complimented both of them.  Roman responded with an over the top thank you of his own, thanking them for coming and supporting the theater.  Damien would blow off the compliment with a wave of his hand. (The action may seem rude to others, but Patton and Roman knew it was because Damien got flustered easily with compliments.)

Roman invited the other four out to go to dinner with him - to celebrate the successful opening of the show and to get to know new friends (gesturing to Logan and Virgil.)

Virgil was immediately hesitant, Patton could tell.  But after a soft gaze from Patton and a squeeze of his hand from Logan, he felt assured enough to go.

The five ended up talking for way longer than any of them anticipated.  Though Virgil was wary of both Roman and Damien (Damien especially, given his snarky attitude), he found himself enjoying their company by the end of the night.  And if Roman, Damien, and Patton didn’t have to leave to get enough sleep for another show the next day, they would’ve talked through most of the night.

The five get together as much as they could, given their busy work schedules and the show, but after the shows run the five got together even more.

As bonds were built and friendships grew, feelings began to blossom.

Though Logan and Virgil were dating by this point, that didn’t stop them from growing fond of the other three.

Roman thought he would be the first to tell them.  He had it all planned out in his head, from what he would say to where and when.

Then Patton blurted it out at one of their regular movie nights.

It was messy.  Right after he said he started crying and stuttering through how he “knew it was unlikely" but he “just loves you all so much” that he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

They were quick to aid and calm him down, assuring him that everything was going to be okay.

After Patton calmed down considerably, Virgil dragged Logan into the other room, just to confirm they were both okay with this and that they still loved each other.

They came went back into the room and sat down, and Roman was the next to confess his feelings to all of them, followed by Virgil then Logan.

Damien, to no ones surprise, was the most hesitant.  After all, he’s never had the best experience with relationships or people in general.  The friendship he found in the others was unknown territory, and stepping out of that was scary to him.

So they took it slow.  It took a while for Damien to open up to all of them, but after the first time he kissed all of them they knew it was all falling into place.

In a couple of years they would find themselves in New York.  Roman made his Broadway debut in the cast of “Wicked”, Virgil and Patton’s art careers were finally starting to pick up, Damien could do YouTube full time, and Logan found a publishing company and was able to focus mostly on writing.

Roman would propose, and though they couldn’t actually get married, held a ceremony anyways, and everything would be perfect.

Cheesy, unrealistic happy ending? It’s what I’m best at. If you made it all the way down here I appreciate it.  This ended up too long whoops.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Forty Four

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

March 20th, 2019

“Anxiety?” Virgil asked, tilting his head to the side. “What does that mean, anxiety?”

“You know how sometimes you get really afraid and you start shaking and having panic attacks?” Mister Emile asked.

Virgil frowned but nodded.

“Well, that’s a symptom of several anxiety disorders. Basically, even if there’s no danger around you, your body still thinks there is and it starts your fight-or-flight instincts,” Mister Emile explained. “It’s not a bad thing, but I wanted to see if we could get you diagnosed, and maybe figure out if you need therapy to help with it.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. “That’s...a thing people get?”

“Yeah. You’re not weird, Virgil. Anxiety disorders are really common,” Mister Emile said. “You’ll be fine, and I’m always here if you need any help.”

February 20th, 2020

Virgil was enjoying himself, for once. It wasn’t unheard of for him to enjoy himself, but he didn’t feel any anxiety attached to his enjoyment whatsoever, so it was noteworthy. He and Patton were currently playing on one of the laptops in the house, Virgil handling the arrow keys and Patton working the “wasd” keys, so together they could steer a rebel ship to shoot the Death Star. It was entertaining.

Once they had shot the Death Star, they cheered and high-fived, before putting the laptop away. Patton and Virgil hadn’t wanted to go out to celebrate their adoption anniversary, so instead they were going to have a movie marathon in the den. Patton and Virgil had agreed to hide in the basement for half an hour while the others got everything set up, and it had to be at least forty minutes that they had been cooped up in the basement. They walked up the stairs, Patton calling in the general direction of the den, “Is it safe to come in?”

“You’re good!” Roman called back. “We just finished!”

Patton and Virgil walked in, and Virgil gawked. There was a stack of DVDs next to the TV, and huge bowls of popcorn and candy ready to be eaten. He wasn’t sure he would be able to watch all of the movies in the stack, but he knew they were certainly going to try.

Virgil got on the couch, grabbing a bag full of M&Ms and settling down. “Do you guys have the movies picked out already?” he asked.

“Yes, we have the first one in the player already,” Dad said. “But we figured you both would like to see this one first, so hopefully we weren’t too far off in that assumption.”

Ami turned on the TV and set it to the DVD player, revealing Bolt on the screen. Patton cheered and Virgil grinned. It was no secret to anyone in the family that they both loved that movie to death. As everyone got situated on the couches, Dad pressed play and they started up the movie (with captions, both because Dee liked using them to learn how to read and because Logan focused better with them).

Patton leaned into Virgil and Virgil looked over to him. “Enjoying yourself?” Virgil signed.

He got a content sigh and a nod in return. “You?” Patton asked.

Virgil considered. “Yeah,” he signed. “I’m enjoying myself.”

“No anxiety?” Patton asked, brows furrowing.

“Not...no anxiety, but very little anxiety,” Virgil explained.

“That’s good!” Patton signed, returning his attention to the movie.

Virgil idly nodded, and wrapped an arm around Patton’s shoulders, leaning back into the couch as they watched the movie unfold. Both of them knew what would happen like the back of their hands, but the ending still got to them. Patton cried a little and Virgil wasn’t far off.

After the first movie ended, Ami got up and turned the lights in the den on, before approaching Virgil and Patton with two presents. “You two know the drill,” he said with a smile. “These might not be as big as Logan’s or as lucky as Roman’s, but we hope you’ll still like them.”

Virgil and Patton looked at each other. “You go first,” he told Patton.”

Patton nodded and opened the paper, gasping in surprise. “Oh, that’s so cool!” he said, running his hand over the cover of the book. It was an encyclopedia about animals, no doubt designed for elementary school kids, so Patton would probably need bigger books if he became a vet, but Virgil knew this still meant a lot to him. “Thank you!” Patton exclaimed.

Virgil knew this was a big deal to Patton. He had never had someone really rooting for him when it came to his passions, until they had come here. Virgil tried, but Patton always said he wanted an adult who believed in him. Now, he had two, who were encouraging him to study what he wanted.

Virgil opened his slowly. His box was a little bigger than Patton’s, but he figured that Dad and Ami made sure that the gifts were mostly even. He opened the box underneath the paper and found...“A cat?” he asked.

“I’d recommend smelling them,” Dad said.

Virgil did so, and could make out...lavender. “Oh!” he exclaimed. “This is the smell that the therapist said made me calmer when we tried grounding!”

“Yeah, she told me that you seemed to really enjoy the scent. Now, obviously, you might not want to carry a stuffed animal everywhere you go to help with grounding, but because we know your thoughts start to race when you try to sleep...well, we thought you might like it,” Dad said.

Virgil picked the cat out of the box. “And it’s weighted?” he asked.

“Just a little,” Ami confirmed. “We figured that could also help with the grounding when you start to panic.”

“Wow,” Virgil said, swallowing. “I...thank you. This...yeah. This will help.”

Logan looked him over. “You okay, Virgil? You look overwhelmed.”

“I mean, I guess I’m a little overwhelmed,” Virgil said with a little laugh. “But you know, it’s more with the fact that you guys are so considerate than with panic.”

“Oh, that’s okay, then,” Logan said with a grin.

Virgil laughed in shock. “Okay, listen, buddy—”

“Ooh, Logan’s in trouble~” Roman sang.

Logan glared at Roman and chucked a pillow at his face. Roman ducked and laughed. Virgil giggled and hugged the cat close to his chest, nuzzling the toy close. “Will the lavender scent fade?” he asked.

“Over time, yeah,” Ami said. “But don’t worry, Dad and I put a little velcro on its belly so whenever the lavender scent fades, we can replace it with whatever scent you like.”

“Cool,” Virgil said with a grin. Roman chucked a pillow at Logan but Logan swatted it away...directly into Virgil’s face. “Logan! Roman!” he yelled, pushing down the pillow so he could glare at them.

Logan looked somewhat chastised but Roman was unapologetic. “Not my fault Logan dodged,” he said with a shrug.

“This means war,” Virgil said solemnly, putting his new friend on the table, before running with a scream over to Roman, whacking him mercilessly with the pillow until Dad and Ami ripped it from his hands. “Not tonight, please,” Dad all but begged. “We need to preserve the pillows for at least another month.”

Roman groaned and Virgil grumbled, but both boys got settled back where they were before, and Patton and Virgil got to choose which movie they watched next. After a quick murmured discussion, they decided on Spy Kids and the new movie started up. Virgil snuggled his new cat and Patton snuggled Virgil.

As time continued on, Virgil could feel sleep starting to stake a claim on him. Much as he loved Spy Kids, sleep sounded really good, too. They had dinner earlier, and now the sugar rush from the M&Ms was wearing off, and Virgil wanted nothing more than to sleep. Anywhere, really. He wasn’t going to be picky.

His head rested on Patton’s and he let his eyes close, just for a minute. When he next opened them, the ending credits were rolling and Patton was gently nudging him. “C’mon, Virge, I need to get up.”

“Hmm?” Virgil hummed.

“You fell asleep,” Patton said. “And I’ll let you sleep more if you need, but I gotta pee first.” And with that, he dashed out of the room.

Virgil groaned and rubbed his eyes. “Wha’ time is it?” he mumbled.

Logan pulled out his phone. “Just about ten. And it is a school night, so I imagine Dad and Ami are going to send us all to get ready to bed as soon as they realize the movie is over.”

Virgil blinked and looked around to find a suspicious lack of the two men in question. “Where did they go?” he asked.

“If I had to hazard a guess, the office in the basement,” Logan said, pushing his glasses up his nose. “But I wouldn’t interrupt them.”

“Wait...” Roman said, staring at Logan in horror. “Last year, when you did that...you never said what you found them doing...”

Logan turned crimson and looked away. “Yes, well, it wasn’t as compromising as I’m sure you’re thinking of, but it was not...pleasant by any means. For any party.”

Roman laughed. “You caught them making out, didn’t you?!”

“No comment,” Logan hissed. “And unless you want to explain to Virgil and Dee what ‘making out’ is, I suggest you shut up, quickly.”

“Oh,” Roman said, glancing at Virgil and Dee, before clamming up.

Dee looked at Virgil, confused. “What is making out?” he signed.

“Uh?” Virgil shrugged. “I think it’s like...kissing? I’m not sure, though.”

“But Dad and Ami kiss all the time!” Dee signed. “Why would Logan be embarrassed?”

“Because making out is kissing for a long time,” Patton said, walking into the room. “Like. Kissing for more than five seconds.”

“Five seconds is a long time to kiss,” Dee signed.

“Which is why it’s got its own name,” Patton said. He turned to Logan, smiling smugly. “You’re welcome.”

Logan stared at Patton. “Where did you learn that?”

Patton shrugged. “I got to talk to some middle schoolers sometimes when waiting for Roman after theatre practice, and they said that, and I asked what it meant.”

“And they explained?!” Roman asked.

“Yeah?” Patton said, shrugging. “They said it wasn’t the worst thing I could have asked, so they explained.”

Roman choked on air and Virgil watched the exchange with confusion. Dee waved his hands and when everyone was looking at him, he signed, “Do you only make out with people you love, like, romantically?”

“Yeah, usually,” Logan said.

“So does that mean you’ve made out with Jack?” Dee asked him.

Logan turned beet red and Roman burst out laughing. “That’s private,” Logan stammered out. “Please don’t ask me or Dad and Ami that.”

“Don’t ask us what?” Ami said, walking in the room.

“We were talking about making out,” Patton chirped.

Ami blinked. “I...who brought it up?”

Roman pointed at Logan. Logan sputtered. “Excuse you, you’re the one who suggested that’s what they were doing! I just said that Dad and Ami wanted privacy!”

“And did you actually explain what it was?” Ami asked.

“Oh! I explained!” Patton said, raising his hand. “The middle schoolers explained it to me, so I explained to them!”

“Explained what?” Dad asked, appearing in the doorway.

“Making out, apparently,” Ami told him.

Dad choked on air and Roman laughed while Logan just turned a darker shade of red. Virgil just felt more confusion wash over him. “This isn’t fair,” he complained. “I know all the swear words, but nobody is teaching me this stuff!”

“Well, it’s generally stuff they don’t teach you until you’re at least ten,” Dad managed to choke out. “So that could be why.”

“You learn about making out in school?” Dee asked.

“You learn about stuff that happens when you hit puberty, and as you get to middle school, you start to learn more and more things, including making out,” Roman said.

“Among other things that definitely shouldn’t be discussed around six to eight year olds,” Logan said, still not looking anyone in the eyes.

“Logan makes a good point,” Dad said. “And it’s ten o’clock, so I think you kids need to get ready for bed.”

Virgil groaned, but Patton just laughed at him. “You seemed to enjoy sleeping just five minutes ago,” he teased.

“But then we started talking,” Virgil said. “I like getting to talk like this.”

“When it’s not ten, you’re more than welcome to,” Dad said. “Until then, bed.”

Virgil groaned but complied. As everyone made their way to bed, or to the bathroom to shower, Virgil and Patton held their gifts close and looked at each other. “I’m really happy we joined this family,” Virgil said.

Patton gave him a shy grin that, in their silent twins-only language, roughly translated to Me, too.

[personalityisnice]

Embarrassing Phases: End Card Analysis, The Dark Sides, And What The Future Holds.

So, let’s get straight (or not straight, as it were) to the part of the video that justifiably made everybody lose their minds. This is another long one folks, so settle in with a nice beverage. 

What can we glean from that End Card?

For one, what was only hinted at in CLBG is more or less confirmed: that Virgil and Deceit know each other, and well. Virgil is displeased but in no way surprised to see Deceit in his room, in contrast to how he reacted to the other Sides popping in during the End Card of AA pt. 2. This, along with Virgil’s body language, gestures, general attitude and the fact that he is easily able to navigate a conversation with his uninvited guest despite said guest’s oblique and circuitous way of speaking, suggests that this is, or at one point was, a common occurrence. 

(And I need to take a moment to commend Thomas’ acting here because with very little time and very few lines he gets across just how done Virgil is with our resident snek, as if he’s heard this spiel a million times before and it’s long since gotten past the point of boring. I love it so much.) 

This is all compounded by what Deceit has to say. He indirectly implies that Virgil is pretending to be someone that he isn't, that the outfit he generally wears is a costume, and tells him to keep up with his personal growth, as if that’s something he’s been keeping tabs on. All this suggests a familiarity; that Deceit knows who the real Virgil is, and it’s not who he’s pretending to be now. Virgil disagrees, (as do I) but he doesn't argue this on the basis that Deceit doesn't know him well enough to make that call. The idea Deceit intimates, that he and Virgil have an extended history for him to draw his conclusion from, goes unchallenged.

So what does that mean? It suggests, even if it doesn't explicitly confirm, that a theory a lot of us have had for a while now is in fact true. That Virgil used to work with the Dark Sides.

Now, if this theory is true, it begs the question: why aren't they working together anymore? What happened? What was the catalyst for the split? And....

 When did it happen?

I think it’s safe to say that if this hypothetical split took place, it predated the start of the series. Perhaps even by years. Why do I think so? Virgil’s views on lying. If you go back and rewatch the series after CLBG, your ears will perk up every time the subject of deception is broached. And Virgil, in particular, brings it up often. Surprisingly often. For example:

A New Year of Lying to Myself - This one is the most obvious. Virgil tries to dissuade Thomas and the others from making New Year’s Resolutions, as he insists they’ll just end up abandoned. He describes them, repeatedly through song, as lies.

The Dark Side of Disney - Here Roman and Virgil get into a debate about the various bits of fridge horror lurking throughout the animated Disney canon. The dark side of Aladdin? The fact that the protagonist achieves his goals through ‘lying and deceiving’. (Also, just the title of this episode is actually kind of hilarious in hindsight.)

Alone on Valentines Day - After Patton says that it’s still possible for Thomas to get a date for the holiday, Virgil chides him with: “Morality, don’t lie to him.” (As a bonus, there’s all the Sides’ reactions to the context Logan provides for Roman’s Shakespeare quote.)

Making Some Changes - Virgil Not Being Cool with everyone shape shifting into Thomas’ friends.

Can Lying Be Good? - Virgil is against lying from the start, very obviously picks up on Patton’s acting out of character early on in the video and keeps a suspicious eye on his fellow Side throughout.

Now, if Virgil was still partnered with the Dark Sides at the start of the series, it would make more sense for him to encourage dishonesty, or at the very least sit back and let it happen. Instead he actively tries to dissuade the Main Sides from lying. But why push them to be truthful? Why bother with that if he hadn't already split off from the Dark Sides and was looking for ways to thwart their efforts? Based on Virgil’s behavior, if a schism happened, it makes the most sense that it happened before the start of the series.

Leading off from that conclusion, let’s double back to one of our original questions: what could've caused said schism? If Virgil and the Dark Sides used to work together, why aren't they now?

Well….there is a theory.

 The theory in question.

I've seen it in theory posts and fics before now, but until the last video dropped I wasn't sure the Sanders Sides crew was willing to Go There. But it looks like they just might be planning to. So let’s explore that possibility.

This latest entry in the Sanders Sides canon was about past shameful phases. That’s the theme of the video where we get Deceit and Virgil arguing over whether the latter has escaped a shameful phase or is in one now. It’s also the same video where we get our first mention of a specific phase of Thomas’ life. Namely, the Girl Phase. This phase is not elaborated on, but it’s pretty easy to figure out. Roman even describes Thomas as being “so repressed”.

But here’s the thing. Repression is being in denial. About who you are, what you feel, and what you want. To be in denial is to deceive yourself. Deception, particularly self-deception….

…now, just whose job would that be..?

Because there’s something startling that I realized while turning this idea over in my head like an unidentified jewel. Repressing as big a part of yourself as your sexual orientation doesn't mean just telling one lie. It’s having to tell multiple lies. Repeatedly. Every day of your life.

It’s spending the majority of your time lying to yourself, lying to loved ones, lying to strangers….Not just through word, but through deed and presentation. (The way you talk, act, dress, etc.) It’s lying to yourself every time you feel something for someone you think you’re not supposed to. It’s lying to anyone you try to date to convince both them and yourself that you’re totally straight. It’s a never ending crusade against the tide inside your own head. It never stops. And having to lie so much, all the time….that isn't a partnership you’re in with the deceitful side of yourself; it’s ownership.

But it’s not just the snek. There’s a lot of anxiety to be had in denying who you really are. Dreading what someone will accuse you of being if you slip up for even a second. Worrying if doing one thing or another is the right (straight) thing to do, or the right (straight) way to do it. Always, always being on guard, no matter what’s going on or what you’re doing. It’s one of the things that not only gets you in the closet but locks the door behind you. Your life becomes a veritable parade of second guessing, insecurity and paranoia.

And if the other Dark Sides embody emotions or concepts that contribute to or flourish under repression….well….

We don’t know exactly what things were like between the Sides before the start of the series, but I think I can make a guess as to what they were like during Thomas’ Girl Phase. I think that back then, the Dark Sides would've actually been the ones who were, albeit covertly, running the show. So in present day, they wouldn't be trying to gain influence and power they've never had. What they would be trying to do is regain the power they've lost. Because of a traitor.

That’s what I think the break would've been about. I think Virgil would've been the first of the Dark Sides to realize that lying to himself wasn't helping Thomas. Virgil even specifically says in Growing Up that Thomas living a life he isn't happy with “[Would] give me more work to do. And I do not like to work hard." I can’t say for sure which Side it would've been that started the ball rolling on Thomas’ realization, but I would be willing to bet Virgil would've been something like the tie-breaking vote on the issue. This then would've led to him abandoning the Dark Sides and…well, largely operating alone until AA pt2.

And in operating alone, either because the Dark Sides would've gotten it so wrong about what Thomas needed or because they wouldn't have cared about what he needed as long as they had as much influence over him as possible, Virgil would've been trying to protect Thomas and the others from them. Hence his contention with Thomas and the other Sides about lying, to themselves or to others.

How it relates to the video.

I can’t help but wonder. This episode and the last has Virgil trying to re-establish himself as…well, the dude who freaks everybody out. Or at least the dude who can.

Is it possible the reasons he gave for that are not the only reasons? If Virgil used to hang with the Dark Sides, he’d know a lot about them, or at least more than Thomas and the others probably know at this point. Which means he could tell the others about them: what they are, their purposes, what kinds of trouble they like to get up to, what to look out for to spot their influence….Virgil could theoretically tell the others and Thomas everything they’d need to know to catch the Dark Sides in the act of getting up to mischief.

That is, if Deceit would let him. And Deceit’s not going to let him.

So would Virgil think, since he can’t just tell them what to expect, that his only recourse is to scare and intimidate them away from things that he thinks will hurt them? And he can’t employ that strategy if no one is afraid of him or takes him seriously anymore? Was that why he acted that way in the first place? Since he couldn't say anything, did he figure he’d just frighten them away from falling under the sway of the Dark Sides? And is there an element of guilt there too? Because he used to be a part of a group he now sees as not being a healthy influence on Thomas’ life?

The Dark Sides.

As for the Dark Sides…what is their deal, anyway? What can we ascertain about the individual Dark Sides we’ve yet to meet and what the three of them might be like as a group from what we've seen so far? Well, in the event the Dark Sides were the orchestrators and/or benefactors of Thomas’ repression, it’s clear why they’re the antagonists of this story. However, I think there’s more to it than that. @ironwoman359, in her analysis of the end card, pointed out that the difference between Deceit and our protagonists is that he is “utterly unwilling to compromise on his desires and his methods” in procuring Thomas’ self-preservation.

I think this hits the nail on the head, but I want to take it a step farther.

The series operates on two levels, as I said before: the character and symbolic. On each level, the series has a general moral or mission statement. On the character level, it’s about open communication, debate, and sharing ideas with others. Basically, hearing people out and sharing your concerns with them, as opposed to assuming you know how they feel and/or stewing in your own insecurities and resentments that may or may not be misplaced. On the symbolic level, it’s about listening to yourself. Taking honest stock of what you feel and why you feel it. Being open to learning new things about yourself and reaching a better understanding of your inner world to promote your own well being. The Dark Sides, from what we’ve seen, run counter to the message of this series on both levels.

Taking a look at things from the character level, Deceit is not interested in debate. At all. It’s not just that he wants to steer the other Sides towards deception, it’s that he does everything he can to get them to do what he wants without them realizing he’s doing so. He insures there can’t be a debate by not allowing anyone else to figure out there’s one to be had in the first place. This, of course, fits the concept of deception like a glove. You can’t be deceptive and have an honest discussion at the same time.

And….when we first meet him, Virgil wasn't much different. He was similarly disinterested in hearing the others out. This changes over time, of course, but in his earlier videos he’s all about intimidation. Using the fear of all the bad things that could happen to try to scare Thomas into, usually, not doing something. Alternatively, he would try to railroad over the other Sides suggestions by portraying them as foolish and/or too idealistic to work.

Based on these two, I’m gonna guess the other Dark Sides are equally disinterested in debate, and have their own strategies for peddling their advice and influence that is similarly aggressive or manipulative or just generally indirect and tricky to pin down. They won’t be receptive to what the other Sides have to say and they won’t bother to consider what things might look like from the other Sides’ points of view (though one or both of them may pretend that they do as part of their strategy). Our last two dark boys are only going to want their views heard and their plans carried out. And they’re going to be willing to do whatever they need to in order to accomplish that. They will not be above emotional manipulation, intimidation and other under handed tactics to get what they want, and they won’t question themselves or whatever mission they’re on at any given time. As far as they’ll be concerned, they’re right, and the goal will be just to get everyone to submit to their rightness by any means necessary, their targets’ desires be damned.

 Assuming that all of this is correct, what does this mean for the future?

Basically, the Dark Sides are the boss fights to the regular episodes’ grinding. Imagine, if you will, CLBG but without the soul searching that Patton and Roman did in MO. Without Virgil having become an ally since AA. It’s…uh, not pleasant to think about. We’re due to meet another Dark Side soon (in fact I think Deceit’s “soon you’ll be rid of us all” bit was specifically meant to be in and out of universe mirrored foreshadowing) and what the boys have been up to lately has the potential to help with that.

It goes back to what I touched on in the LNTAO analysis. The subject of belittlement. Being made to feel small or as if something is wrong with you can go hand-in-hand with repression. If you find a part of yourself shameful, you might want to hide it away even from yourself. This is how a lot of people get trapped in emotional and other types of abusive relationships; the abusive partner convinces their victim that their justifiable anger or outrage is them being childish or unreasonable. The victim doesn't want to be childish or unreasonable, so they repress that anger and eventually no longer understand what they’re feeling and why they feel awful all the time.

If all the Dark Sides operate similarly, then Thomas’ and the other Sides’ challenge will be to learn to recognize their tactics and not fall victim to them. To not buy into the supposition that there are things about them that are shameful and should be repressed.

Taking it all the way back to the top, look at how Deceit frames Virgil’s development. He downplays the progress our boy has made by suggesting it’s all just Virgil playing pretend. He’s not only telling Virgil he hasn't changed, he’s implying that Virgil is unqualified to judge. Boy couldn't be more patronizing if he tried. Or....well, he couldn't be more belittling if he tried. 

And on top of that, he says that said playing pretend won’t stop the other Dark Sides from messing around with the others and Thomas in the future. And, in fact, it just might hasten their aggressions. Deceit not only belittles Virgil’s growth in order to get him to see it as pointless to keep trying, but gives a subtle threat: that if Virgil keeps going the way he is it won’t just be Deceit he and the others might have to deal with.

This is what our boys are going to need to learn to navigate. On a character level, the Sides are going to need to learn just how it is that each Dark Side operates and how not to let them exploit their individual insecurities and ensnare them in their mind games. On a symbolic level, Thomas has to learn to see through the unhealthy attitudes he’s picked up from our crappy society and understand that the belittling attitudes he holds towards himself (attitudes that suggest there are generally unpleasant truths or things that are just inherently wrong with him that need to be repressed) are unhealthy and shouldn’t be heeded. Thomas doesn’t need the urge to hide who he is serving as the guiding light for his thoughts, feelings and behavior. He can just….decide for himself what he wants to do and the direction he wants his life to take.

[do-your-socks-have-holes-in-them]

Til the End of the Night / Ch2: In which Logan gets rekt

Previous / Masterpost / Next 

Summary:  Fantasy world! Fantasy outfits! Arguing over Logan's fashion choices! Magic! 

Warnings: minor injury, spiraling thoughts

A/N: this is my fic and no one can stop me from devoting 800 words to talking about what the characters are wearing

Read on AO3

Half an hour later, the three sides stood before a portal to the realm of Imagination, each prepared for the trip in his own way. Roman still wouldn’t answer all Logan’s questions, so he’d turned to Google to try and figure out what he should expect of a world based in fantasy.  He thought he had a decent idea now, though he would have liked a bit more time.  Patton was holding a bag of “supplies,” which no one needed to look inside to know it was really just full of junk food, plus a few bandaids he’d found in a desk drawer and thrown in.  To be fair, he’d also remained on the phone with Roman until a few seconds ago to keep him synced with the real world instead of making him wait two weeks in his time, so he’d been a bit distracted.  Virgil had his headphones around his neck- not plugged into anything, just there for their own sake- and his hands in the surprisingly deep pockets of his hoodie, making sure his stash of actual emergency snacks and various survival tools he hoped not to need hadn’t fallen out.

The portal was right in front of them, swirling with a dizzying array of bright colors and seeming almost impatient.  “Well,” Logan said, straightening his tie and taking a deep breath, “are you both ready?”  Virgil gave a small nod.  Patton handed Logan his bag, freeing his own hands to take hold of their respective arms so they wouldn’t end up in different places.  They walked in together.

For a few seconds, all they could see was a blinding blur of color.  (Virgil would have complained if he’d had a mouth at the time.)  Their vision cleared gradually, and they found themselves on a hilltop with a good view of the surrounding landscape.  The place really was beautiful.  The sky was clear, the grass soft and perfectly green, and butterflies danced between the wildflowers that seemed to be everywhere.  A soft, sweet-smelling breeze carried the songs of unseen birds.  It was… perfect, the way grass and flowers and butterflies should be but never quite live up to in real life.  Each tree was the ideal version of a tree.  Patton turned in a slow circle, hands pressed to his face, speechlessly taking in the fields, forests and distant mountains. He’d known it would be impressive- it was Roman’s work, after all, and he’d been improving on it for years- but the detail, and the scale of the place… it was beyond anything he could have, well, imagined. He was jolted from his trance when he came full circle and saw the others, standing a little further down the hill, for the first time since going through the portal.

“Well, aren’t you two dressed up!”

Virgil pulled his hood down over his face and groaned.  “I know, I look stupid, this was a mistake, I don’t know why I tried…”  This was in reference to the fact that he’d turned his hoodie into long, layered mage’s robes in his usual colors, well-worn and repaired in places, with dozens of hidden pockets, sleeves long enough to cover his hands and a thick hood that could block out noise.  A scarflike strip of fabric was attached to the hood, settled around his shoulders for now, but able to hide his face if he chose.  His shoes had changed, too, into black leather boots that almost reached his knees.  He folded his arms and looked away, now embarrassed by the new look he’d evidently put some thought into.  “Maybe I should just change back before anyone else sees me.”

“Hey, no, you look really cool,” Patton insisted.  “You look like a wizard!  A cool wizard!  In fact, I can’t i-mage-ine a better fantasy outfit for you.”

Virgil smirked at the pun.  “Thanks, Patton.”  He pushed his sleeves up to uncover his hands, though they were still mostly hidden by dark purple fingerless gloves that went a third of the way up his arms, and made finger guns toward the third member of their group.  “Okay, that’s enough of everybody looking at me, what is Logan wearing?”

Patton turned, blinked and asked, “Um.  Logan, what are you wearing?”

Logan finally looked up from his attempt to memorize their surroundings.  “Well… I was uncertain of the best way to blend into a ‘fantasy’ setting,” he said, gradually sliding into teacher-mode, “and my research told me stories of the kind Roman favors often take place in medieval time periods.  Therefore, I dressed myself in clothing typical to 14th century Europe.  This tunic-” he gestured to the item in question, which reached almost to his knees- “is made of wool, as are these chausses, because the fabric makes for good insulation and takes a dye well.”  “Chausses” seemed to be the thick… tights?... he was wearing.  Both garments were indeed dyed: the chausses were the same blue as the tie he always wore, while the tunic was black and had his emblem around the neck, hem and the ends of its short sleeves in white thread. “And the--”

“Hold up,” Virgil interrupted, “I’m sure this is all fascinating but what is on your feet.”

Patton looked down, and tried (and failed) not to laugh. Logan’s shoes were perfectly normal- short leather boots- but over them…  “Platform… sandals?”

“I was wondering why you were so much taller than me,” Virgil remarked.

“They are not sandals,” Logan said stiffly.  “They’re called pattens, and--”

“Oh, like-!”

“Yes, like your name, they’re spelled differently, let me finish.  They’re wooden platforms designed to strap over shoes and put a few inches between the wearer and the ground, so as to keep their feet dry and protect the leather of the shoes.”

“Well, I do try to lift you up!”

Logan closed his eyes for a moment with a pained expression. Patton just looked pleased with himself. “...Ignoring that remark, as I was saying, undergarments of the period were usually made of linen, which feels much better on the skin than wool, I think you’ll agree.”  He gestured to the long-sleeved shirt layered under his tunic, and lifted the edge of said tunic a bit to reveal breeches.  Virgil looked horrified, and not for the reasons one might expect.

“Are you, Logan Sanders,” he said in a strangled voice, “wearing shorts tucked into knee-socks?”

“No!  I told you, it’s--”  He cut himself off with a frustrated noise.  “At least I tried!  All Patton did was tie a blanket around his shoulders, why don’t you go interrogate him about his clothing choices?”

They both looked over.  “It’s a cloak,” Patton corrected cheerfully, spinning in a circle to show it off.  It was a lot like his cat hoodie- ears and all- except that instead of a hoodie it was a long cloak, fastened in the front by the topmost of three buttons, with a fluffy white lining.  It really did resemble a blanket, and he hadn’t altered the rest of his clothes at all.

“...Still better than whatever nerdy mistake of a new fashion scene you’re trying to invent here.”

“It’s HISTORICALLY ACCURATE!”

Both Virgil and Patton jumped at the sudden volume. Neither had realized how much the dissing of his outfit was actually bothering him, but… now that they thought about it, he did seem to have tried hard on it.

“Okay,” Virgil said, taking a deep breath.  “Logan, I’m sorry I made fun of your outfit, even though it was totally justified and I don’t want to be seen with you.  Let’s just… start walking and get this over with.”

“Yes, we shouldn’t waste too much time,” Logan agreed. Patton was quietly relieved that he wouldn’t have to break up an argument.  They really needed to get Roman back so those two could fight with him and not each other.

They were still forgetting one obvious thing, though.  “Um… Guys, which way are we going?”

“Oh.”  Virgil frowned.  “I don’t know.  How are we supposed to know that?  Oh this is great, we have no idea where we even are, we’ve been here for like ten minutes and we’re lost.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Patton assured him.  “This would be so much easier if we could talk to Roman again, but I’m not getting any signal out here in the middle of nowhere…”

They heard a ringing noise and turned to stare at Logan, who had already started calling.  “What?”  They only kept staring, and he sighed.  “We’re in Thomas’s head, and his room definitely has cell service.  There’s no reason to think we wouldn’t.”

Patton blinked at his own phone, which started working again as soon as he absorbed the information.  “Oh.”

Roman picked up after a few seconds, and Logan quickly put him on speaker.  “Hello? What’s going on, have you still not left?”

“We have,” Logan informed him, “but we need directions. We’re on a hill…”

“It’s so pretty, Roman!” Patton interjected.

“...there’s a wooded area right next to us, mountains in the opposite direction, and a small lake about a mile off equidistant between the two.  Do you know where that is?”

“Okay, uh- hold on, let me find something.”  There were some worrying crashes from Roman’s end. “How are you even calling me right now? My realm never has any signal, and it sounds like you’re in the middle of nowhere!”

“That’s preposterous, we haven’t actually left Thomas’s house, of course we should be able to call you.”

“Logan decided we could, so we can,” Virgil cut in.  “I’m trying not to think about it too hard in case not believing in it makes it go away.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” Logan and Roman both said, though for different reasons entirely.

Roman sounded confused, which could not possibly be a good sign.  “The Imagination is only supposed to do what I think it should do, and I did not think that.”

“Well, Logan sure did!”

“You’ve never had any of us in here before,” Logan mused. “Maybe anyone can influence their own immediate surroundings, given a strong belief that something can, should, or will happen.  We don’t have enough information to know for sure, but it seems likely.”

Patton gasped.  “That’s so cool!  Logan, you made our phones work!”

“We don’t know for sure,” Logan repeated, although he was smiling faintly.  Virgil looked less pleased, but didn’t say anything.

There was one more loud clatter, and Roman announced, “Done! I can see you now!”

“Wait, like, see us see us?”  Virgil looked around suspiciously.

“Well, it doesn’t zoom in very far, but I can see little blobs.”

“Oh thank god.  Wait, how are you--”

“Magic mirror.  I think I recognize the area, let me think… yes!  Okay, you’re on the side closer to the trees, right?  Turn around and go up the hill, there’s a road at the bottom on the opposite side.  Tell me when you see it.”

Logan wasn’t going to let Roman tell him what to do like that, so he waved a hand impatiently at Patton to go do it instead. Patton didn’t mind and ran up the hill to look, but Virgil, offended on his behalf, gave Logan a look and muttered, “Dude.”

“I see it!” Patton called from the top of the hill.

“Patton has reported that--”

“I heard.”  Roman sounded disconcerted.  “You were right, Logan.”

“What?”

“Don’t take that road- it shouldn't exist and I have no idea where it leads.  There was nothing there until I told you there was and you believed it.  I doubt the same trick would work again, the realm is smarter than that, but it does prove your theory.”

“This is a highly chaotic way to run things,” Logan grumbled.  “But I will admit, the implications are… interesting.  Am I right in thinking that the world around us will now be modified by our thoughts and assumptions throughout our time here?”

“You could say that,” Roman agreed.  “You could also say nothing and let me explain- seeing as it is my world and all- and then it wouldn’t sound so boring, but we can’t have everything.”

“Boring?  I’m helping you learn new things about your realm, how can that be boring?”

“That’s what I was wondering myself, yet somehow you managed!”

“Can we move on?” Virgil snapped.  He hadn’t spoken in a while and seemed more tense than usual.

Logan blinked at him, confused by his sudden mood shift. Just a minute ago he’d been fine. “Oh, uh- of course.  Roman, please give us some real directions now?”

Roman sighed into the phone to make sure they heard it. “Fine, fine.  You two are no fun, I want Patton in charge of the phone again… Make for the small town on the other side of those woods there, to the west.  There, you can take a room at the inn and have some time to prepare and ask around for information- I don’t exactly know where I am in relation to you, but I’m sure someone can tell you something. I am the prince, after all, people pay attention to what I do.”  His voice took on a dramatic tone as he continued, “It won’t be easy, and you may encounter danger as you forge your path through the wilderness, but I have faith in you!”  His plan to improvise an entire inspirational speech was cut short by a loud beep. “Also, my phone is dying, I’ll be watching you through the mirror, good luck!”

There was a click, then nothing.  Patton wanted to avoid an awkward silence and started walking, humming to himself, only to be brought up short when Virgil grabbed the back of his cloak.

“West is that way, Pat.”

He looked where Virgil was pointing and saw Logan going in a different direction entirely and looking back over his shoulder to wave at them to catch up.  “Oh.”

They reached the woods in a few minutes.  Logan was a bit snippy because he kept nearly tripping over his own feet, but to take the pattens off would be to admit they were silly and impractical.  Virgil had grabbed Patton’s hand in exasperation to stop him wandering off every time he saw something that looked fun, but Patton rolled with it and linked their fingers together, swinging their hands as he walked.  The two of them were following Logan’s lead, since he seemed to know where he was going, and trying not to laugh at his coordination difficulties.  The sticks and such on the ground weren’t helping, okay?

Patton suddenly remembered one thing that might be making it harder for him to balance himself.  “I can take my bag back now,” he said, smiling sheepishly at the fact that he’d forgotten Logan had it.

“...About that.”  Logan slowed so that he was beside them.  “I apologize, Patton, but it appears to have changed upon entering the Imagination, along with its contents.”  He opened the bag, which was now a black leather satchel with a silver clasp, and the other two saw that it was crammed full of old books, and papers, and glass jars containing things none of them could identify.  “This was not a conscious decision on my part, although I can’t deny it seems much more useful than what you originally packed.”

“I guess it’s yours now,” Patton said, obviously disappointed.  “Oh well… I bet you’ll be able to do something cool with all that stuff, so maybe it’s a good thing!”  Still, he wished his snacks weren’t gone.

“Possibly,” Logan agreed.  “I’m planning to spend some time with these books when we reach that town Roman mentioned.”

Virgil didn’t pay much attention to the conversation, content with letting them talk while he looked around.  Contrary to Roman’s aborted speech, there was no danger to be seen here.  The woods were peaceful- not quiet, which would have been weird, but filled with the rustling of leaves and the chirping of birds.  Sunlight filtered through the trees and soaked into his dark clothing, relaxing him.  Being who he was, though, he still found things to worry about.

“You’re gonna fall, you know,” he told Logan, who was closing the clasp of his bag and not looking where he was going.  “Just take them off.”

“Unlikely,” Logan responded.  Virgil gave him a doubtful look.  “It’s just a matter of adjusting to the difference in height.  Speaking of which, were you always this, uh… small?” To illustrate, he put his hand just above Patton’s head and carefully moved it over.  It missed Virgil by a good four inches.  The latter flushed and hunched his shoulders, which didn’t help the whole height issue.

Patton nodded- walking next to him, he’d already noticed. “I was going to say something, but I didn’t want to bring it up ‘cause I know he gets embarrassed, but it’s too late now so ohmygosh Virgil you’re so tiny and cute ahhhhh!”  He tried to squish Virgil’s face and got pushed away.

“Leave me alone, it wasn’t on purpose,” Virgil groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Actually, now that I think about it…”  Logan looked down at himself, then unstrapped his shoes and stood beside the two of them on ground level.  He was still clearly taller than Patton, and a full head above Virgil.  “I didn’t intend to change anything either, but my height must have increased.”

“Great, then you don’t need the platform sandals.”  Virgil tried to grab the items in question, but Logan saw him coming.

“Yes, I do, my boots could be damaged without them, and they’re pattens.”

“What?”  Patton looked up from his appreciation of a flower.

“Not you.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t care what you call them, you’re going to be damaged if you do wear them.”

Logan strapped the objects of discussion back onto his shoes and started walking again to demonstrate that he could.  “See?  They barely affect my movement at all.”

“Let’s keep going,” Patton said a little too brightly. They nodded and shot each other apologetic looks, feeling bad for arguing over something so trivial.

Virgil let the conversation end there.  If Logan wanted to wear the stupid things so bad, he might as well let him.  Unfortunately, his mind was less willing to let go of a idea once it latched on.  He hung back a bit and half-listened as Patton rambled to Logan about the flowers he’d collected and Logan rambled back about what real-life flora they most closely resembled.  With the half that wasn’t listening, he tried to remember what exactly Logan had done when he’d put the pattens back on.  Had he fully secured the straps?  Were they tight enough?  What if they came loose?  They seemed fine, but Virgil did not know much about 14th-century footwear, so he couldn’t really know for sure, could he?

They’d been walking for a while now.  Patton had made himself a flower crown and was now working on two more for the others.  Nothing had gone wrong yet, but Virgil’s mind told him that only meant it was bound to happen soon.  Vaguely, he knew he probably should have said something a few minutes ago instead of keeping it to himself until his thoughts ran away with him, but it was too late now. Logan was going to get hurt, he was sure of it, and it would be partly his fault for not arguing harder.  Even if everything was properly secured, he would trip over something he didn’t see on the ground.  He squeezed his eyes shut and gave his head a quick shake in an attempt to snap himself out of that train of thought, pushing away the images his brain tried to give him of worst-case scenarios.  His eyes shot open again when he heard the real Logan’s sudden shout of pain.

Virgil rushed to where he was now sprawled on the ground a few feet away, expecting the worst- something broken, maybe.  Patton was already kneeling next to him, asking if he was okay.  Logan assured them he was mostly unharmed, gathering himself into a sitting position and examining a long cut on his right arm from a sharp rock.  Virgil exhaled slowly, relieved.  Then his fear, with nowhere to go, turned to anger.

“I told you!  I told you this would happen and you wouldn’t listen to me because you think you’re always right!”  His voice wavered, and Patton knew he was only yelling because Logan had scared him.  He saw Logan about to make a retort and put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

Logan looked at Patton’s face and relented.  “You… I’ll admit it, Virge, you were right this time. I thought it wouldn’t be a problem and I was… wrong.  But I’m not badly hurt and I’ll take your concerns more seriously next time.”  He gave a slight reassuring smile, and Virgil relaxed a bit.  “Could you see if there are any bandages in here for me?  It’s not serious, but I still shouldn't leave this exposed.”  He could have looked for them himself, but he was busy unstrapping the pattens from his shoes, and in any case Virgil looked like he needed to feel useful.

“Hm… nerd stuff, weird powders, more nerd stuff… oh, here, there’s like a first aid kit wrapped up in cloth.”  There were more things in Logan’s bag than it looked like it should fit, but Virgil chose not to call it out on that.  He unwrapped the cloth and started sorting through the supplies.

Meanwhile, Patton was fussing over Logan’s arm despite his protests.  “Aw, you poor thing, does it hurt?”

“Well, yes, somewhat, but I really don’t think this is necessary, it’s only--”

He cut himself off in shock.  Virgil looked up and stopped as well.  As soon as Patton touched the cut, a soft sky-blue glow emanated from both his hand and Logan’s arm, and the injury closed up like it had never existed.  He gasped. There were a few seconds of stunned silence.

“I suppose we don’t need to waste our supplies on my arm now,” Logan said distantly.  It was the only coherent thing he could think of.  He was at least doing better than Virgil, who only managed, “Whoa.”

Patton stared at his own hands, eyes wide.  “I have magic powers.”

They couldn’t sit there all day being surprised, of course. The sun was getting low in the sky already.  Logan helped Virgil wrap the first aid kit back up and tucked it back into his bag, by which time Patton had collected himself enough to get up and follow them. If he was quieter than usual, well, it had been a long day and a lot of walking, he was probably tired.  And if he pulled his cloak around himself and kept his right arm out of sight, well… maybe he was cold.  There was a cool breeze coming in, bringing a hint of rain. With luck, they would reach the town before dark.

[khadij-al-kubra]

Thomas in Wonderland  (ch 3)

Characters: Thomas (fictional), Virgil, Roman, Patton, Logan, Remy, Emile, Joan, Talyn, Deceit, Nate, The Dragon Witch, fan adopted short vid characters

Word Count: 1739

Summary: Thomas gets trolled by flowers and has a good cry

Author’s Note: Hey everyone! So happy to see that people are having fun with this story so far. I know i’m having a lot of fun writing it! Also big news is that I now have an AO3 account! So you can check this and other stories out there if you’d like. As always I am open to any writing critiques or tips you may have, and any likes, comments or reblogs would be immensely appreciated! Also please let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters for this fanfic or any of my other future writings. So last time, we were just entering a lovely garden...  

Flowers & Floods

Thomas couldn’t say for sure how long he’d been walking for, since, he still couldn’t decipher the Black Rabbit’s watch, but at best guess probably a good 15-30 minutes. He wished there was more of that growing grape soda. Not only because it would’ve been nice to get back to his normal size (being so small got to be pretty disorienting after a while), but also he was really thirsty from walking so much.

“Maybe Talyn has a point about carrying a travel water bottle everywhere,” Thomas said to himself. “But carrying it around gets cumbersome. Plus it always bangs against your leg    and then you get a little bruise on my thigh. Then again, if you had some water on you then maybe you wouldn’t feel so dehydrate and cranky now.”

He sagged a bit at his own reasoning, knowing he had a point. Was it worse to lose an argument with yourself or better?

“Well, at least it’s a beautiful day.” he mused to himself, trying to keep up his moral.

And it truly was lovely beyond that tiny door into this larger than life garden. The sapphire sky was bright overhead above the canopy of big grass blades, and the sun shone through the broad green leaved making them look like sheets of emerald. The soil beneath his sneakers was slightly soft, not enough to sink into and get stuck but it felt like a vacation for his tired feet. Clear drops of dew still lingering on the stems shimmered like crystal bobbles. Sure there was the occasional beetle crossing, but hey, at least there weren’t any spiders.

But oh, the flowers were by far the most beautiful part. There were so many different kinds, some he recognized others he didn’t. And their natural perfume gave off a heady aroma that was present yet not overwhelming. Their colors were so vibrant they almost looked like candy, yet Thomas could tell they would no doubt be velvety to the touch. And they were HUGE! True, that was only because he was tiny, but still.

Thomas sighed. “It’d be a lot more enjoyable if I actually knew where I was going.”

He still wanted to find the Black Rabbit, but only knew he’d come through this giant garden. There was no way else he could have gone. If there was actually a path then Thomas was too small to see it. There was a chance he might’ve already been on it, but from way down to the ground he had no way of knowing for sure. Thomas had hoped that by keeping straight (heh) he’d eventually get somewhere, but there was nothing around that told him where anywhere was. No people. No signs. Nothing.

“It’s too bad I can’t just ask the flowers for directions,” Thomas said. “Bet they could tell me where I am. Not that flowers can talk.”

“Oi! Who says we can’t talk?”

“GAH!” Thomas jumped back, started by hearing a voice other than his own for the first time since the Black Rabbit. “Who said that?”

“Up here ya twat!”

“And over here.”

“And here.”

The voices had Thomas turning in circles. Finally he decided to follow the first one’s advice to look up and his jaw dropped. He was staring into the face of a petunia. As in the flower literally had a face with eyes and a mouth and all.

“Wha-was that…you?” Thomas asked.

“Well of course it was me, who else?” Judging by the pout and the way its petals bent to rest on its stem, it appeared to be a properly put out Petunia.

“And me!” said an Iris.

“And me,” said a Tiger Lily

“And me too,” said a Daisy.

“Me, me! Pay attention to me!” said a Rose.

Thomas could only gape as the flowers around drooped down around him, their eyes scrutinizing every inch of him harder than a live stream audience. One part of his brain told him to close his mouth and that it was rude to stare. Another part of his brain told him HOLY HECK! THESE FLOWERS CAN TALK!?!? He went with the latter thought.

“HOLY HECK, YOU FLOWERS CAN TALK!?”

“Well of course we can talk,” said the Iris. “What ever made you think we couldn’t? That’s pretty presumptuous of you.”

“Well it’s just, flowers don’t typically talk where I’m from.”

“Umm why does this little sprout assume we’re all flowers?” said a Dandelion. “You don’t think weeds should be proud of who they are?”

“Oh! Well of course you can,” said Thomas. “I didn’t mean to offend any plant.”

Of all the things that had happened so far to Thomas today, this was by far the most curious.  Who would’ve thought that a bunch of would flowers could be so, well, mean? Still, they were the only ones around who could possibly help him, so he took a breath to calm his growing headache and put on a friendly face.

“Actually, I was wondering if you lovely, uh, flora could help me. See, I’m looking for a Black Rabbit. He passed through here and I have—“

“So what sort of a plant are you anyway?” asked the Petunia.

“It doesn’t look like a flower,” said the Iris. “Where are its petals? It’s not a real flower if it doesn’t have colorful petals.”

“Its colors are so dull,” said the Daisy.

“Oh, uh, I’m not a plant. I’m a person. My name is Thomas and I—”

“Tho-mas,” said the Tiger Lily. “That’s a pretty stupid name for a plant species, don’t you think? Why not be creative and come up with something more original?”

“Well that’s my name and I happen to like it. And I’ll have you know that I can be very creative, at least I think—“

“Do you really need to brag so much?” asked the Petunia. “It just makes plants like you desperate, fishing for likes and compliments.”

Thomas huffed. “Listen, I just need to know where—“

“That’s the ugliest flower I’ve ever seen,” said the Rose.

“Oh my gosh, I’ll bet it doesn’t even get pruned,” said the Tiger Lily

These plants were really getting on his last nerve. “Look I’m kinda lost here! I-I had a hard day, am super small, and I’d really like to get back to my regular size—“

“Well not all of us have a choice of whether or not we can grow bigger,” said the Dandelion. “Or even grow prettier.”

“Could you just please—”

“Yeah, that’s pretty selfish of you dontcha think?”

“Is this even a real plant?”

“Maybe you should check your privilege.”

That was it! “GGNNHHAAAAAAAA!!!!”

Thomas ran away from the barrage of critical flowers as fast as he could. He didn’t pay attention to the direction, only knowing that he had to get away from all those harsh comments. He ran and ran through the garden until his aching calves screamed at him to stop. Finally he plopped down on a dirt mount in the middle of an open field to rest.

Well that’s just great. Thomas thought as he caught his breath. Now I’m tired, thirsty, I’ve got a headache, those flowers were NO help at all, and I’m STILL lost! It wasn’t like like Thomas couldn’t take a healthy dose of constructive criticism, but those plants were being just would not let up with their mean words. Like what did he ever do to them? He could feel the stress of his day so far, from the writers block to the fall to now, building up so much that there was only one thing he could do.

Thomas let himself have a good cry, because gosh darn it, men could cry too!

He cried and cried, felt the teardrops billow over down his cheeks. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t at normal size, but he could feel the salty tears taking up more space on his face, as though they were Studio Ghibli style tears. Once he started, Thomas just couldn’t seem to stop crying. He felt silly for making such a big fuss like this, letting all those hurtful comments get to him even though none of it was true. The embarrassment of this only made him cry even more. Thomas was so in the throes of letting out his pent up emotions that he didn’t realize he was creating a puddle around himself. Which turned into a small pond, which turned into a sizeable lake, until finally the water was up to his shoulders.

“Oh no!” Thomas cried out. “Oh great, now look at the mess I’ve made!”

Thomas still could not stop crying, but he was in enough possession of his faculties that he started to doggy paddle so as not to drown in his own river of tears he was making. At least it wasn’t the ocean, although the water was certainly salty enough to seem like one. Thomas never did well in open waters, and the fear seemed to kick in the fight aspect of his anxiety. Thomas mentally pulled himself together enough that he was only sniffling now, and he focused his body to keep swimming.

After ten or fifteen swimmers strokes he realized that there was really no need to swim so hard. The river of tears carried him along smoothly, and he could just let himself float. It was a big relief and frankly one of the few helpful things that had happened to him so far. It was a nice change to get his bearings.

“Boy, I really let myself get carried away with all that crying, huh?” Hehe. Dad joke. “I’ve gotta say though, I do feel better. I guess sometimes you’ve just gotta let it all out. And by the looks of it, I had a LOT to let out!

He only hoped that he hadn’t accidentally drowned out all those flowers back in the garden. Even if they probably deserved it, the thorny twigs. Last time he would let a bunch of attention seeking flowers get to him. And sure, he was still kind of lost and unsure of whether or not he was still heading towards the same direction as the Black Rabbit had been going. But at least he was still going in a direction. Thomas was optimistic that eventually he’d come across the furry fella again.

But I can’t keep floating along like this forever.

<=PREV

NEXT=>

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[patchworkofstars]

Salted Caramel

Chapter 7: The Writer’s Lament

AO3  Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4  Chapter 5  Chapter 6

Relationship: Romantic Royality

Chapter Synopsis: Two guys sitting in a bedroom, one foot apart and they’re both gay.

Word Count: 5,300

Warnings: Crying, mention of bullying, mention of parental disapproval of sexuality (not rejection, just not acceptance either)

Notes: I was planning to split this chapter in two since it's so long, but there wasn't anywhere suitable to do that. So instead it's just one reeeally long chapter, for which I apologise ^-^” Hopefully it’s worth it though! ^-^

Roman crossed the threshold a step behind Patton, taking the opportunity to twist his head and quickly wipe away his tears on the shoulders of his shirt. Then his eyes scanned the room around him, and he found them pricking with tears once more as he took in the bright, comfortable, reassuringly wholesome atmosphere.

The walls were painted the same sky blue as Patton’s favourite shirt, and either he or Virgil had taken it further by adding white cumulus clouds and a yellow sun. And, whether deliberately following the theme or by happy serendipity, one wall was dominated by a large rainbow flag.

It was all so comforting, so utterly, perfectly Patton-like, that it felt almost like being embraced by the man himself. Roman closed his eyes, steadying his breathing as he tried to stop the emotions threatening to take hold. Much as his heart ached for its feelings to be returned, who knew if there was any hope left there? Patton had a crush on Remy or some stranger, and Roman was the one left wanting someone he might never have.

Shut the feelings out, shut them down, put on the mask and put on a show. Patton must never know how you’re feeling.

He composed himself as best he could and opened his eyes… only to find the other man watching him with such a wistful, almost longing expression that he almost reeled from the emotional impact it had.

He swallowed, suddenly acutely self-conscious, and felt his face burn. Roman had never claimed to be particularly bright - his intelligence was the sort that understood sentence structure and dialogue flow rather than how to solve equations - but now the pieces of a jigsaw slotted together in his mind to produce a picture he hadn’t realised he’d been missing.

“You’re my hero!”

“Is this the guy you were telling me you have a crush on?”

“He’s not my boyfriend and never will be.”

“Virgil housemate just had his heart broken by someone he harbours romantic feelings for.”

Patton had feelings for him, and he’d broken his heart. And now that Roman knew, what was he going to do about it?

His limbs felt heavy and uncoordinated, and he tried not to stumble as he moved to the centre of the room and looked around. Above the desk there was a large pin board covered with photographs, and he scanned them absently as he tried to get his emotions back under control. Some of the pictures were of flowers and cute animals, others of people most of whom Roman didn't recognise. Patton was in only three: one with Virgil outside the art museum, one with Remy, and one with two people who looked like his parents and three teenagers Roman supposed were younger siblings.

In each one Patton was smiling brightly, exuding joy and affection for those he was with, and Roman suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in one of those photos, smiling by Patton’s side. He shook his head, forcing the feeling away, and turned his gaze elsewhere.

The remainder of the room was cluttered with a mixture of scrapbooks, knick-knacks, stuffed toys, and DVDs. The bookshelves were stuffed with a jumble of fiction and cookbooks, the only history books visible being those required for the course.

Roman tried to act nonchalant, but wherever he tried to focus his eyes, they kept drifting of their own accord back to Patton. Not for the first time, he cursed his overdeveloped romantic streak. Of all the people to develop an attraction to… It could be worse, a treacherous thought reminded him. At least this one’s single, and not straight.

Patton sat down on the dove-grey bed cover and patted the spot beside him. Roman smiled awkwardly as he followed, carefully keeping his knees pointed towards the centre of the room rather than at his companion.

What on earth should I say? “I like you, you like me, let’s snuggle”?

Don’t you dare, brain, I’m watching you. Come on, I need a light, casual conversation starter.

“I never expected you and Virgil to be housemates”, he began at last. “How did you meet? You seem so...different.”

Patton grinned. “We are, but we get along great! We got talking in the first year when I saw him at the museum and went up and complimented his hoodie."

Roman tried to imagine how that conversation would have gone, but couldn’t. Either it was beyond his creative block, or it was just too bizarre.

“How about you and Logan?” asked Patton, tilting his head to one side. “You’re pretty different yourselves. I’d never have guessed you were friends.”

Roman shrugged. “We met at fencing club in our first year”, he explained. “Logan joined because it’s a structured, mentally-challenging sport with minimal physical contact. I joined because I wanted a chance to fight with swords.”

Patton nodded in understanding. “You wanted to be a knight, right?”

“Well, yes...” Roman confessed, with an embarrassed smile.

Patton beamed, his face lighting up in a way that made Roman’s head spin. “I knew it!” he exclaimed. “After all, you were my knight in shining armour outside the club.”

Oh, calm down, Roman! He could feel the warmth of another blush spreading across his cheeks and down his neck. Say something! Anything! Change the topic before he notices how red you are!

“You’re the real ‘Knight’” he found himself saying. “Do you have any idea how envious I’ve always been of your surname?”

What the hell, brain?!

Patton bit his lip and ducked his head, but he couldn’t hide his grin or the red flush spreading across his face. Roman took a deep breath, trying to think past the butterflies and find a safer topic of conversation.

“I, uh, don’t have the time for fencing anymore, sadly”, he said with forced lightness. “Or the energy, to be honest. I’ve been far too stressed with everything else I’ve got going on.”

“Hmm~ Is that what Virgil was supposed to help you with?”

“Well that was part of it”, Roman admitted. “He was trying to help me learn to relax. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with writer’s block, and I hoped that would cure it.”

“Oh yes! Your writing!” Patton’s eyes widened. “You never told me! What kind of things do you write?”

Wrong topic! Abort! Roman’s stomach clenched and he shifted awkwardly in his seat, unconsciously moving his knees to point even further away from Patton. “Well, I write a lot of poetry”, he said, his eyes on the wall, “And also...fanfiction.”

He took a deep breath and turned his head to see the response. To his surprise, Patton was almost glowing with excitement.

“That’s so cool!” he breathed. “Which series do you write about?”

Roman swallowed, a half-proud, half-embarrassed smile tugging at his lips. “I’ve written a few alternate universe pieces with Disney characters”, he said, “But I currently write mainly Dragon Witch Chronicles fics.

Patton squealed – he actually squealed – and leaned forward with his eyes shining. “What name do you write under?" he asked eagerly.

Roman flushed. “I can’t tell you that. You’ll look up my work, and that would just be embarrassing!”

“Aww...” Patton’s face fell, but then he shrugged. “Oh well, if you write Dragon Witch Chronicles fics, I’ve probably read them already anyway.”

“You won’t tell anyone will you?” Roman implored him desperately. “Please don’t mention it to anyone, it’s a secret!”

Patton frowned. “Don’t your friends know about it?”

“No way!” Roman almost shrieked. “I can’t tell them! If they knew, they’d be sure to-” He broke off and shuddered. “In any case, they must never find out. I have to hide it from everyone even remotely linked to our course.”

Patton tilted his head slightly to one side, his soft brown eyes full of sadness and concern. “That sounds exhausting”, he remarked.

The words hit Roman like a heavy jousting lance. The truth of them, the external acknowledgement he hadn’t known he so desperately needed, went through him like a shockwave, and a sob wrenched itself from his chest past his lips before he could even think of trying to stop it.

Patton reached out a hand, but as before he hesitated and then pulled back. “Maybe that’s why you’re finding writing so hard?” he suggested gently. “Virgil always says he can’t create if he’s not honest. His art is an expression of himself, so if he hid who he truly is, he wouldn’t be able to make anything good.”

Roman swallowed, taking some deep breaths before he risked speaking. “M-maybe...” he admitted. “I used to love writing, but now it’s always a struggle. The thought of even trying makes me nauseous.” He shook his head sadly. “Can I even call myself a writer, if I never seem to write anymore?”

Patton chewed his lip for a moment, looking down at the bed cover and stroking his fingers gently back and forth over it. “You know, I don’t think it’s only writing that makes you a writer”, he said at last. “I may not write myself, but the way I see it, you’re a writer because writing means so much to you, and because you feel so lost when you can’t do it. I think writing’s a part of who you are, even when you don’t write.”

“But I’ve barely written for months, Patton!” Roman wailed. “The only things I’ve managed to write were a poem after I walked you home that time, and then a short story about-”

He broke off abruptly. He was not going to tell Patton what that fic had involved. No way. If the subject matter weren’t embarrassing enough, there was always the risk he might recognise it.

“Hmm~ Well, do you know what’s stopping you?” the man asked, ignoring the sudden stop. “Why does the thought of writing make you feel so bad?”

Roman shook his head and sighed. “There’s so much pressure, so much competition. I feel I’m devoting all I have to it, and yet no matter what I do, I can’t keep pace with all the faster, better, more talented writers out there.” He turned away and put his head in his hands, his shoulders hunched with the effort of suppressing the tears that threatened to overwhelm him.

When he managed to speak again, it was in tight, broken tones. “I need to do it, but… But I can’t… I can’t risk failure…”

There was silence for a minute, and despite his fears, Roman's curiosity pushed him to risk looking at Patton. The other man was chewing his lower lip again, his head tilted characteristically to one side.

“Do you think, maybe, you struggle because you’re trying so hard to compete?” he suggested, a touch cautiously. “I mean, you said you started writing because you enjoyed it, but you don’t seem like you’re enjoying it now. So why keep trying to force yourself?”

Roman swallowed. “Because I… I need the praise”, he said, his voice soft and cracked. “I need the acknowledgement, the proof that I’ve done something worthwhile.”

“Is that the only reason you write?” Patton asked softly, a hint of something like disappointment in his eyes.

Roman shook his head firmly. “No, but still, I can’t help but worry. What if nobody likes what I write? What if, after weeks of pouring my time and effort into a story, no one cares? With every creation I show to the world, I put my heart on the line. I risk apathy, rejection, and downright hate.”

“I’m sure no one will hate it”, Patton gently assured him, “Not if it’s something you’ve put your heart into creating.”

Roman gave a short, bitter laugh. “Don't be so sure. And besides, apathy is almost as bad, and I've experienced that many times. Hate may cut, but apathy bruises."

Patton blinked back the tears trying to well in his eyes. “I know it hurts, but… If other people don't enjoy your creations, that's their loss, not yours. What matters most is that you like what you’ve made.”

Roman sighed, his voice coloured with exhausted helplessness. “You must understand, nothing stings like rejection. Nothing tears my soul and strips away my confidence more than pouring my heart and soul into creating something and then releasing it into the world only for the world to disregard it. And I need people to tell me my writing is good, that it means something to them, that I’m contributing something to the world to justify my existence!”

Patton leaned back away from him, eyes widening in alarm, and Roman grimaced as he was hit by a sudden wave of self-disgust. Just when he’d realised he liked Patton, he had to go and scare him off. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

The adrenaline seemed to drain out of him, and he slumped, eyes downcast. But when he cautiously raised them again he saw none of the expected revulsion on Patton's face.

Patton was leaning forward, head tilted to one side and forehead creased in concern.

“That’s not...” he began, quietly, hesitantly. “You don’t...” He broke off again and bit his lip, frowning as he tried to find the right words to say.

Roman waited, a tiny flicker of hope reigniting somewhere inside him. Maybe, just maybe, all hope wasn’t lost after all.

Patton took a deep breath and blinked rapidly - Were there tears in his eyes, too? Then at last he spoke.

“You don’t need to justify living, Roman. And if you have a purpose… Have you ever thought maybe it might be just to enjoy life? To make the world a little bit better in whatever way you can, even if it’s just by sharing your smile?”

“But writing is what I do!” Roman wailed. “I’m not like you, I’m no good at being kind, or making people happy! Without writing, I’m nothing but selfish, stubborn, insecure… - Feel free to stop me at any time! - I’m arrogant, egotistical...”

Patton smiled and shook his head. “You’re creative, caring, brave…” he looked down shyly, turning pink, “...Not to mention very handsome.”

Roman smiled wryly, trying to ignore the heat flooding his face. “Writing is what I do”, he repeated quietly. “It’s the only thing I’m good at. It’s the one chance I have to make something of myself and make my family proud of me.”

Patton frowned, picking awkwardly at the bedspread. “Have you spoken to your family about how you feel?” he asked.

Roman shuddered involuntarily. “I’ve already disappointed my parents by being gay, I can’t fail at this too.”

“They don’t accept the fact you’re gay?” Patton asked gently, leaning forward in sympathy.

“They wouldn’t kick me out or anything”, Roman quickly assured him. “They just… try to ignore it. They don’t say anything, but I know from their silence they don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry”, Patton said sadly. “That’s horrible.”

Roman shrugged and looked away. “Ever since I came out, they’ve tried to pretend it never happened. I’m an only child, and they were…very unhappy that I was dramatically reducing their chance of biological grandchildren.

“Do you want children?” There was a slight shift in the air, and Patton seemed to be holding his breath as he waited for a response.

Roman hesitated. “I’m not sure”, he replied uncertainly. It was always my parents’ priority, not mine, but… I suppose I would like to be a father someday. Assuming I can ever get a well-enough paid job to support a child.” He sighed. “Not that there’s much hope of that if I fail my degree.”

Patton shuffled a little closer, his soft eyes fixed on Roman. “What would you choose for your future, if you didn’t have to worry about qualifications or what your parents might think?”

Roman swallowed, feeling his face heat up further but unable to take his eyes from Patton’s as he asked himself what he really wanted. Right now, the only answer his brain was giving him was Patton.

“I’d lo- I’d like to write”, he said at last. “To be a- a writer, a proper author, you know? A professional, making a living writing stories. That’s been my greatest dream for years.”

Patton’s whole face seemed to shine, the brightness of his smile bringing a deeper blush to Roman’s cheeks. “That sounds wonderful, he breathed. “What kind of stories would you write? Fantasy? Ooh, or maybe historical fiction? Is that why you’re studying history?”

Really, it was uncanny how easily this man seemed to read Roman like he himself was a book, with the secrets of his heart written out for those caramel eyes alone. He took a deep breath, forcing his eyes away to watch the wall.

“I’ve always loved historical fiction. Tales of knights and princes, heroism, chivalry, romance… I dreamed of studying those times and turning what I learned into stories of my own. And the stories were even more appealing when they had a generous sprinkling of fantasy. Dragons to fight or to tame, sorcerers good or evil weaving fabulous spells… I saw it all so clearly in my mind, and it wasn’t long before I began re-enacting my favourite tales and then creating my own – escaping my mundane everyday life into the role of hero in a dozen different fantasy lands.”

Patton leaned forward, his eyes wide as he drank in everything Roman said.

Roman smiled wistfully. “When I grew old enough that wearing a prince costume and wielding a plastic sword became frowned upon, I stopped acting my stories out and instead settled for writing the scenes from my mind onto paper.”

He turned to see Patton's reaction and found him gazing with rapt attention. "What do you think?” he asked nervously.

“I bet you’d look amazing in a prince costume”, Patton replied with feeling.

Roman cleared his throat, his blush deepening. “Yes, well, in any case, I decided that studying history would help with my writing, even though the reality turned out to be depressingly short of happy endings. I endured the school history lessons convinced that if I could just get through this module, this year, this particular bit of tedium and misery I’d eventually be able to study the things I really wanted to. But now that I’m here, I’ve realised I still don’t enjoy it and I never will.” He shook his head and sighed, his shoulders slumping as he looked again at the wall.

Patton shook his head. “You didn’t realise the past was never like it is in those stories?” he asked.

Roman turned back to face him, his eyes dull and rimmed with shadows. “I wanted so much for it to be real that I managed to convince myself”, he confessed. “And when the illusion finally crumbled, it was too late to turn back.”

“It’s never too late”, Patton said firmly. “Never.”

“I’ve wasted years, Patton. Years spent chasing an impossible dream. I know now that what I truly want is to spend the rest of my life writing stories. Every spare moment I have, free from the tedium of my course, I devote to dreaming up new fantasies to escape into.”

He sighed wearily. “In all honesty, it’s losing myself in those stories that's kept me going this far. And now..." He swallowed as a lump rose to restrict his throat and tears once more flooded his eyes. “...And now I can’t even seem to do that.”

There was silence for several minutes, as Roman leaned back against the wall and Patton chewed his lip, staring down at his own knees. As Roman replayed the conversation in his mind, an awareness gradually stole over him and he sat back up with a sharp intake of breath.

“I’m sorry”, he said, with an apologetic smile, “I shouldn’t have been so negative about studying history. You probably love it.”

“Mm...” Patton bit his lip, and Roman was suddenly acutely aware he’d never even considered how he might feel about their course.

For a long moment the man was silent, then, “I find the past...comforting”, he said at last. “I can cope with even the most horrifying bits because they’re over, they’re gone.  The present is too raw. You hide from it in fantasy worlds, I hide from it in the past.”

The sadness in his eyes caused flames of anger to flare suddenly in Roman’s chest. “Is this because of… You know, how the class treat you?” he asked, his voice edged with fury.

Patton hesitated and then nodded, his eyes still averted. “That’s part of it”, he mumbled, “It was worse at school, but back then I could go home to my family at the end of each day, and they'd make it all better. I miss them all so much.“

His eyes filled with tears, and Roman internally panicked. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry! How do I stop him crying?!

Patton sniffed, removing his glasses for a moment to dry his eyes. "Lessons here aren't so bad", he assured Roman, "As long as I find a seat early and keep my head down. And I know I can always talk to Virgil, I just don’t like to bother him when I know he has troubles of his own.” He sighed. “I just wish I knew what people think I’m doing so wrong.”

Suggestions flitted through Roman’s mind, a mix of his own observations and comments he’d heard from others. He could give Patton a list of reasons why people thought he was childish and weird, but…

“If they don’t appreciate you, that’s their loss”, he said firmly. “I don’t want you to think you have to change for them. You’re warm, and kind, and fun to be with, and… I like you. I really do.”

Patton turned to look at him, his eyes wide. “Do you really mean it?” he asked softly. He reached out a hand once more, this time resting it lightly, tentatively on Roman’s arm. Roman felt his heart rate accelerate, and then, as so often, he moved without thinking. His hand was on Patton’s before he knew it, and the pink blush that lit up behind that dusting of freckles made him feel giddy.

“I, um...” he began, and then swallowed. At least one of them should probably have moved their hand by now, but neither had. Instead, he found himself caught up once more in those caramel eyes, so much lighter than his own, and he couldn’t help the affectionate smile that formed on his face.

“I like you a lot, Patton”, he confessed. “So I’d be happy for you to sit beside me in lectures. And to eat lunch together, if you want to.

“What if your other friends don’t want to include me?” Patton asked cautiously. “I wouldn’t want you to risk your friendships just for my sake.”

“Screw them”, Roman said passionately, “I want you.”

As Patton’s eyes widened and his face flared scarlet, Roman’s brain once more caught up with his mouth and he felt his own face blaze.

“I mean as a friend!” The words were ejected from his mouth in a rush, but as he turned away he couldn’t help adding softly, “...Or maybe more, if you’d agree to it.”

There was a long pause where they both looked everywhere except at each other. Then Patton finally murmured, “I’d like that.”

His voice was soft and husky, like the whisper of a breeze in the desert. Thirsty, Roman’s brain helpfully supplied, and he gave it a swift mental kick.

Patton turned his hand and curled the fingers to lightly brush Roman’s. “You’re sure you don’t hate me?” he asked, shyly.

He tailed off as Roman reached forward and placed a finger to his lips.

“Patton, I could never hate you, not now I’ve got to know you better”, he said, softly but with conviction. “You are an absolute angel, and I hope to spend a great deal more time with you from now on.”

He removed his finger and then watched in confusion as his the man’s eyes filled once more with tears. “I- I’m sorry”, he stammered, “I didn’t mean to upset you… I shouldn’t have touched you without asking. Please don’t cry...”

Patton shook his head and sniffed as he tried to blink away his tears. Taking off his glasses again, he placed them carefully to one side so that he could wipe his eyes. It took a few moments before he could speak, and in that time he reached forward to touch Roman’s sleeve once more. He stroked his fingers back and forth over the fabric a few times, then stopped and curled his fingers to gently clutch it.

“I’m not an angel”, he mumbled, his voice still choked with tears. “I’m over-sensitive and disorganised. I make silly jokes and pretend to be happy, even though I know nobody likes me.”

“I like you”, Roman told him fiercely. “And besides, I don’t see angels as perfect. I see them as those people who care about others and always do their best to put them first. Those who strive every day to make the world better in any way they can. And by that definition, you are unequivocally an angel.”

He shifted closer and put an arm around Patton, loosely at first, then tightening reassuringly as the man settled into his embrace.

He gazed down, taking in the view from up close of Patton’s soft waves of lavender hair and the galaxy of freckles covering his face. The tear tracks were still damp beneath his closed eyes, but there was a peacefulness there now, a contentment that warmed Roman’s heart. Never before had he felt so utterly entranced by someone, or so deeply protective of them. As he revelled in the sight and in his newly-realised adoration, words began to form in his mind, and he gathered them up, shaping them into lines that flowed straight from his heart.

“If ever tears are in your eyes

Like salt in caramel

And sadness wraps you in its curse

I’ll fight to break that spell.

I have no castle or acclaim

No fortune to convince

But I will want for nothing if

You’ll let me be your prince.”

Patton lifted his head and gaped at him. “Did you write that?” he breathed, “You’re amazing!”

“You inspire me”, Roman told him. “The only times I’ve written lately have been after spending time with you. You were absolutely right: I can be myself with you, and that sets my creative spirit free. Patton, my dearest, you’re my Erato, my Calliope!”

“I’m your what now?”

“My muse. I feel I could write anything with you by my side!”

The rose-pink flush spread from Patton’s cheeks to his ears and down his neck. “Oh! Well, I’ll be happy to help you in any way I can!”

“Simply spending time with you is enough”, Roman assured him. “I can already feel the creativity welling up in my veins! Oh, I could kiss you!”

At the sudden wideness of Patton's eyes and his bright red face, Roman replayed his own words in his mind. Then he felt his own cheeks grow hot at the realisation of what he’d just said. One day, perhaps, he would learn to think before he spoke, but this was clearly not that day.

There followed several seconds of excruciating silence as Roman’s eyes roamed every bit of the room that didn’t contain Patton. When at last he risked a glance at the other man, he found him looking back with a shy smile – a smile Roman’s own lips couldn’t help but mirror.

“Did you mean that?” Patton asked, scarcely above a whisper.

Roman felt a surge of courage. “Every word”, he replied fervently.

Patton’s smile widened. “I think I might like that”, he said, tears welling in his eyes once more.

Before Roman knew what he was doing, he had swept the other man into a hug. He could feel his own eyes stinging, but this time he made no effort to stop himself from crying. Burying his face in the collar of Patton’s shirt, he breathed in the glorious scent as he felt warm arms slip around him in turn.

And suddenly, for the first time in too many years, he felt safe, secure, and cared for.

He tightened his hold, drinking in comfort, as a warm tide of protectiveness spread through him. Their classmates could say what they wanted, could stare, and whisper, and jeer. He would never, ever let Patton feel lonely again.

Then, gradually, the memory of his words filtered through the companionable silence and Roman felt a warmth of a different kind ignite in his chest.

He moved back, pushing Patton gently away from him, then lifted a hand to ever so lightly cup the man’s cheek. To his delight, Patton leaned into the touch, and Roman could see his breath quicken and a new spark appear in his eyes.

They moved together, leaning in slowly but surely to close the space between, until their lips met with a light brush that grew in intensity and all Roman could think was soft, and warm, and home.

*****

“Pat?” Virgil’s voice called through the door several minutes later. “Is Roman in there? He stormed out of my room a while ago, and Logan and I haven’t seen him since.”

Patton pulled back and looked at Roman, who gave him a half smile and a nod. “He’s with me”, he called back. “We were, uh… We were talking about why we chose to study history.”

Roman slammed a hand across his mouth to suppress a chuckle.

“Wait, you were?” asked Virgil. “Actually, forget that, Logan wants to know if Roman wants a lift home. He can stay the night in your room if you prefer, though.”

For a second the two froze, staring wide-eyed at each other. Then Patton squeaked “I-don’t-think-that’s-a-good-idea!”, the words tumbling out of him in a shrill rush.

“Well, figure it out quickly, ‘cause Logan’s leaving soon”, Virgil warned.

Roman smiled wryly. Yeah, it was probably best not to spend the night together – even literally sleeping – before they’d even been on a first date. Speaking of which…

“I shall have to leave for now”, he said, “But perhaps we could meet again tomorrow? For a real date, this time.”

Patton looked ready to explode from sheer joy. “Yes!” he squealed. “That sounds great! Where do you want to meet?”

Roman hesitated. While his romantic instincts were screaming at him that Patton deserved a grand gesture, like being whisked off to Disneyland Paris for the weekend, his parents would hardly consider that a defensible use of his student loan. He had better keep things realistic, at least for the first date.

“It’s late”, he said, “And I’m sure we’ll both be tired tomorrow. How about we just go for a walk together by the river, and then get some drinks at Costa. I promise I’ll plan something more exciting for the second date.”

“Second...date...” Patton breathed, his eyes wide as he processed the words. “That sounds wonderful! And Costa will be great, you know I like going there.”

Roman smiled. “Good, because I believe I owe your barista friend an apology. And you as well.” He lifted Patton’s hand and pressed a kiss to the knuckles. “I apologise from the bottom of my heart for what I said before. I would be honoured to be your boyfriend, if you’ll have me.”

Patton’s enthusiastic response was cut short by a sharp rap on the door and Logan’s harsh tones. “Roman Zito, you have precisely three minutes to exit this room and get into my car. When that time is up, I will drive home whether you are with me or not.”

@metaphoricalpluto2 @theunoriginaldaisy @logan-smarter-than-you-sanders @fiive-second-cookies @sevencrashing @quietwords-loudthoughts @sher-soc-the-famder @what-a-catch-joe @intothevoidsunknown @karmels-stuff @smokeyrutilequartz @katesattic @the-office-cat @starryfirefliesbloggo @angst-patton @definitely-a-plant @unknownsandersfan @blinksinbewilderment @romansleftshoulderpad @creativity-killed-thekitten @chemically-imbalanced-romance @marvelfangeek09 @a-black-pegasus @softestlittlepuffball @wisepuma23 @hissesssss @musikasworld @the-prince-and-the-emo @xxladystarlightxx @pearls-of-patton @evilmuffin @suyun-doo @patton-in-name @shesavampirequeen @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2

[dr-gloom]

Happiest I’ve Ever Been

Muted got some great commentary on my AO3 and it made me feel loved so I’m writing a continuation

Here we go!

Summary: Virgil and Roman have been together for almost three months, but this is the first time they’re meeting in person, and Virgil feels like he’s going to vomit from all the feels. 

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairing: Prinxiety

Tags/Warnings: some swearing, Human AU, First Official Meeting, I guess?, Trans Character, Trans Virgil

Enjoy!

Read it on AO3

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No one in their small friend group had been surprised when Virgil and Roman got together. They’d all smiled and shared a laugh when Patton said, “Bet! Paypal up!” and that was essentially the end of the discussion. The other three just figured Roman and Virgil had a chat after that call and confessed their feelings in some slice-of-life-anime way. Virgil would never actually tell anyone how it happened; he was still embarrassed. 

Logan had been the first to sign off, stating that a proper sleep schedule was essential for a healthy lifestyle before hanging up. The other four had stayed up and chatted for a few more hours. Patton had actually ended up falling asleep on camera while they were all watching Snow White through Thomas’ shared screen, and once the movie was over the remaining three agreed to hang up. Thomas had work in the morning and the other two hadn’t wanted to keep the conversation going with the possibility of Patton waking up and eavesdropping. 

Almost as soon as the call was over, Roman was calling Virgil. Virgil felt his heart leap into his throat as he answered, Roman’s radiant face taking up his screen. At some point during the movie he had changed into his pajamas, a white set that looked like a prince’s outfit. Virgil hugged his black cat head plush to his chest, the heels of his feet resting on the edge of his seat and bringing his knees up to his chest. He waves hesitantly at Roman with a slight smile before resting his chin on his knees. Roman’s smile grew as Virgil appeared on his screen. “Virgil! Good to see you.” Virgil quirked an eyebrow and typed into the chat. His mic was on, but he was suddenly too anxious to speak. 

Emo Nightmare: you literally saw me like, 2 minutes ago

Roman’s smile wanes slightly as Virgil types, and Virgil feels bad. The smile is back in full force soon enough though as Roman replies. “I know that, but now it’s just us! And I actually... want to talk to you about something.” Oh god, here it is. He’s not even totally sure what he’s worried about; he knows Roman isn’t going to take back his friendship, or it would have already happened, right? And... anything else would be a bonus, right? Even if he just wants to ask questions, Virgil would be educating a friend on trans matters. Virgil nods mutely and Roman continues. 

“Well... I’m sure you heard my outburst earlier, judging by everyone’s reactions when I came back to the call...” Virgil turns red at the recent memory, nodding again. “Y-yeah...” When he manages to find his voice, Roman’s smile changes to be something more.... admiring. “Well... Medusa’s hair! Virgil, I have feelings for you. Of... The romantic sort.” Virgil sits there in silence for a moment, each second making Roman’s nervous smile drop a bit more, until Virgil blushes and stutters out a “W-wait, what..?”, immediately grimacing when his voice comes out too high and feminine. 

Roman looks at his lap, uncharacteristically shy. Virgil doesn’t think he’s ever seen Roman like this, and... it’s kind of cute, honestly. Sure, yeah, Roman was always attractive and (dare he say it?) funny, even at his most obnoxious self-assured, but there’s something about the way he glances at the camera uncertainly with a hesitant but excited smile that makes Virgil’s stomach warm. “I do. And I realize this is not the most romantic way to confess one’s feelings - in fact, I had planned this elaborate- not important. The point is, I can no longer stand to keep this to myself, and I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but I had to tell you.” 

Roman looks at Virgil almost expectantly, waiting for a response. Virgil shifts in his chair, setting his feet on the carpet and curling his toes into it to ground himself. “Ah... Well... I maybe... Possibly... Feel the same. But- but don’t get all excited and shit, I mean- not that- dammit, I mean... You’re really far away.” Virgil bit his lip, picking at his cuticles. That was why he’d been so reluctant to talk about this; no matter how either person felt, they were in different states; how could they possibly make it work? Apparently Roman had already considered that. He sits up straighter, gripping the edge of his desk as he leans in with a grin. 

“Ah, but you forget my prince of darkness, we have these video calls! And we can plan times to visit each other. It won’t be as often as either of us would like... But it’s better than nothing.” He nods resolutely, and Virgil can feel his face heating up for a whole different reason. Just the thought that someone cared about him enough to be willing to wait for him, even from another state, and to spend money to see him? It was too much. His eyes burned and he ducked his head down to hide the tears starting to form on his lashes. He never thought this would actually happen to him, not even when he’d first realized he’d liked Roman and he was at his most optimistic. He thought of what it would be like, to talk to Roman every day - which they already do, but this would be different - and be a couple together. To share everything, and plan dates together, and save up money to fly down there or waiting for Roman to fly to him. 

To have Roman in the same room as him, instead of 400 miles away. 

That’s what finally made the tears fall. Virgil’s shoulders start trembling as he imagines what it’d feel like to finally see Roman in front of him, actually in front of him. To touch him and hug him and, god, kiss him. Roman says his name, his tone concerned and uncertain, and when Virgil finally looks up Roman’s expression turns a little panicked. 

“Oh, Virgil! Love, I’m sorry! Please don’t cry, I’m sorry, whatever I said I apologize.” Virgil shakes his head, scrubbing his eyes and smearing his eyeshadow in the process. “It- It’s not that, Princey, I...” He sighs shakily, sniffling, and Roman looks about ready to sell his soul to be able to hug Virgil. “I just... really want you here right now.” He laughs wetly and hides his face in his hands, and Roman makes a sad understanding noise. 

“I do too, Virge. God, I do. We can do this though. I love you.” Virgil didn’t care about the warnings he’d heard growing up, how ‘I love you’ should be reserved for The One, or you’d get your heart broken. How you shouldn’t say it too soon; this wasn’t too soon, not to Virgil. “I- I love you too, Roman.” They both smiled a little shakily at each other, and if Roman had started crying too, well, Virgil didn’t mention it.

They’d been together for almost three months now, and they were easily the best three months of Virgil’s life so far. He was probably the happiest he’d ever been, and everyone could tell. Since unmuting his mic, he’d still been quiet and hesitant to speak up, but a few weeks later he was almost as vocal as his friends, and his smiles came more freely. The others didn’t mention it, almost afraid that if they did Virgil would stop. Roman loved it, and he especially loved the private calls the two would have after everyone else would head off. 

Roman and Virgil spent these private calls planning various dates for when they would meet up, talking about their days (anything that wasn’t shared in the group that is), and talking about the future. Virgil saved up any money that came his way. Hell, he’d even started recycling to save up as much as possible. Roman was the first to get enough money for a plane ticket, and after much arguing it had been decided that Roman would be staying at Virgil’s, because as Virgil said, “Why the fuck would I let you stay at a hotel when this is the first time I’m seeing you in person? I’d be stupid to let you out of my sight.”

And now, Virgil was standing in an airport terminal waiting for Roman’s flight to land with increasing jitters. His stomach was doing somersaults, and any time the voices in his head would start up with their doubts and insecurities, Virgil would put in his earbuds and blast the entire album of Folie A Deux. He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone vibrated, and he pulled it out to read a new text from Roman, his heartbeat in his ears. 

Ro <3: plane just landed! Prepare to be swept off your feet ;) <3

Virgil didn’t even care that he was smiling like a loon. He jumps out of his seat, taking one glance at the screen of departures and arrivals to confirm that Roman’s plane was in fact here, then he runs to Roman’s terminal. He bounces on the balls of his feet as people start to filter out of the terminal, and for an impossible second he’s afraid he won’t recognize Roman (which is ridiculous, they’d just had a video call last night). He doesn’t have to worry long, though, because soon enough he’s seeing Roman’s red jacket and making eye contact with him before shouting and running right for him.

Other passengers and bystanders rush to get out of Virgil’s way, and when he’s right in front of Roman he stops, throwing his arms around the other and hugging him tightly. He’s here, he’s really here. I can touch him, he’s here. “I’m here Virge. I’m here.” Roman hugs him back just as tightly, burying his face in Virgil’s purple hair. He holds him close, one hand on his back, the other on the back of his head, and Virgil feels so safe and secure and loved. He laughs softly in Roman’s ear, and Roman thinks it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. 

They break the hug, but they never separate. They hold hands all the way out of the airport, and only let go long enough to load Roman’s bag into the back of Virgil’s shitty camaro and get in, Virgil taking Roman’s hand again as he drives one-handed to his apartment in the middle of town. They park and Virgil takes Roman’s bag, shooting down his protests with “You’re my guest. I’m carrying your bag.” Once they get inside and Virgil’s set the bag down in his room, he turns around to find Roman right in front of him. He opens his mouth to say something, but Roman stops him by cupping his cheeks and pulling him into a kiss. Virgil kisses back, thinking to himself that this is the happiest he’s ever been, but he’d probably be changing his mind plenty in the future. 

A/N: Yep. Virgil had waited at that airport for hours. I know what I said.

I hope this was good! I love cliche meetings tbh

[accidentally-logince]

Thank You

Warnings: Virgil angst, crying, swearing, Deceit (the character), sympathetic(ish?) Deceit, slamming doors

(If there are any more, PLEASE let me know!)

Word Count: 2k

Pairings: none

---

Logan

---

“Roman! Logan!”

Early in the morning, Patton cries out from the kitchen. Usually, we don’t get up until around eight, but the urgency in his voice has me running out of bed at six thirty. I almost run into Roman in the hallway, who has his sword in his hands. He somehow doesn’t look as intimidating when he’s wearing his crown-print pyjama bottoms.

We get to the bottom of the stairs to find that Patton has made his way to the couch, crying and hugging... something to his chest. He sniffles and looks up at us with snot and tears running down his face.

“Patton! What happened?” Roman asks, running up to him, forgetting his sword on the bottom step. He kneels down in front of Patton and cups his wet face in his hands. “Are you hurt? Did something come in?” 

Patton shakes his head, sniffing again. “No... but some-one left,” he says, finally moving his hands away from himself to reveal the letter clutched between his fingers. Roman tentatively slides it from his grip and turns it around to read it. His expression falls as his eyes skim the page.

“Logan...” he mutters. I take the hint, grabbing the paper for myself. There's barely any words on it.

   I'm sorry. I had to leave. I don't know if I'll be back.                                                    -V

My shoulders slouch, and I slowly lean down to put the paper onto the coffee table. "Is he already gone? Maybe we were intended to find that later in the day," Roman says. Patton jumps to his feet, optimistic about this new sliver of hope, and darts up the stairs before I can even move my legs.

In Virgil's room, we find Patton slouching over the dresser. He turns around and hands us each an envelope. "He's not here," Patton says, his voice low, "but these have our names on them." I stare blankly at the letter in my hand, almost not wanting to open it. I'm so scared of what I might find, but Roman is already tearing into his, and Patton slides his out carefully, as if he's scared it might shatter. I open the envelope.

To Logan: Thank you for always being there to keep me grounded. Even when you didn't realize, you helped me understand if I was spiraling out of control. You always calmed me down by helping everyone keep our heads, and your plans always helped me feel secure. I don't want you to try figuring out why I left. Don't strain yourself, please. This is for the best. You'll know that eventually. You're the smartest out of everybody; you can definitely figure out how to balance things without me. Thank you for being my gravity. -V

---

Roman

---

I barely absorb the words on the page before I fold it shut and quietly walk out of the room. Having the others see me cry would be embarrassing, even considering the circumstances, so I walk into my room- far into the forest, letting rain drench my hair, in case Logan or Patton decides to follow. I don't know how Logan could stand to read his letter immediately after receiving it. He didn't try to prepare; to steel himself in case the words hit hard. 

Before I sit down to read it, I gently summon a light force field around me to keep the rain from ruining the paper, and then plop down on a fallen log. The rough outline of the letter that I'd gotten from skimming makes me nervous to read it more critically. Is Virgil truly not coming home? Maybe I should leave it in my pocket, and just retreat into my castle for the day...

I pull the page out. 

To Roman: I think my biggest regret is never spending more time with you. Even if I never showed it, I really looked up to you, and I feel like I should have expressed that. I never really told you before, but I care about you just as much as the others. Don't you dare forget that. I don't know if maybe you think this is your fault, but if you do, I swear to you that I did this on my own accord. If I had it in me to lie to them, maybe I would have only told you about this, asked you to keep it a secret from the others. But I couldn't do that to them, and I couldn't do that to you, either. But even if you're not the toughest person ever, you're stronger than you think. Keep Dad and Logan safe, okay? You're my hero. -V

If I hadn't kept the rain away, maybe I would be able to tell myself I wasn't crying. I could have written it off as just the raindrops, but the acceptance of the tears is so refreshing. I don't know what I would think of myself if I pretended that I didn't cry over Virgil leaving. I wish I knew where he went, what he thought he needed to do and why. I wish I could have helped.

I find myself sitting on the log for hours, just letting myself cry. The sound of the wind and rain comforts me as I sob. Eventually, the drops starts to become smaller and less frequent. My room has always adjusted to match my emotions, and it runs out of tears as soon as I do.

---

Patton

---

I don't read my letter yet. I quietly slip it into my pocket while Roman and Logan read theirs, planning to wait until I'm hidden by the privacy of my own room to see what's written on the paper. Logan's expression slowly drops as his eyes scan the page in his fingers, and even a few tears spring into his eyes. He tries his hardest to keep them back, I can tell, but one or two slip out onto his cheeks.  

Roman only skims his page, leaving the room after barely reading the words. I'm sure he has a similar plan to mine- wanting to wait until he's alone to actually take in the words fully. Neither of them noticed me slipping two letters into my pocket. I was surprised to see the last letter, but I think it's only fair to deliver it to it's rightful reader- and to keep it a secret, in case the others don't feel the same.

Without a word, I walk out of the room. Logan follows slowly once he finishes reading, closing the door gently behind him. All his movements are ginger, and he keeps his eyes low. 

"I think..." he whispers. "I just need to be alone in my room for awhile." I nod comfortingly, and Logan quietly turns to make his way to his room. I'm so tempted to just retreat to my own room, flop down on my bed and just cry for days, but I reach my hand into my pocket, feeling the fourth letter. I descend the stairs, and find my way to the basement.

"Uh... Dee?" I call out quietly. "Would you come out here real quick?"

"Of course," comes the reply, and I roll my eyes despite myself. He's as stubborn as ever. I didn't want to have to enter his room- he absolutely hates when we try to go inside- but I'm not just going to leave without giving him his letter.

I push the door open without warning, so that he has no time to lock me out. "Oh, yeah, just come on in," Deceit grumbles, pushing away from his desk and swiveling his chair to meet my eyes. He crosses his arms. "You look absolutely ecstatic to be here, Patton."

Usually, Deceit is better than just petty sarcasm, but I don't snap at him, only give him a firm look and hold out the letter. "Virgil left," I tell him. His eyes widen in genuine surprise, but he keeps quiet. "He left us each a letter."

Looking reluctant, Dee reaches out and grabs the envelope from me. Then, looking me right in the eyes, he moves his hand to hover over the wastebin and drops the letter right inside. 

"Good riddance," he growls. I can't tell if he's telling the truth or not this time. 

My words get caught in my throat. I want to scream, to just absolutely bitch at Deceit. 'Virgil is gone!' I want to screech. But my throat constricts- with tears or anger, I don't know- and I find myself storming out of his room, slamming the door, and stomping up the steps to my own room, where I promptly fall to the ground and start to sob.

Weakly, I lift my head out of my arms and pull my letter from my pocket after a good half hour. My hands shake as I unfold the paper, both from sadness and nervousness. What did Virgil feel the need to say when he left? I squeeze my eyes shut when the paper is unfolded, trying to calm my breathing before I read it. 

To Patton: I'm sorry that I had to go, but I'm really glad that you and I got to spend so much time together before I did. I don't want you to try and think about me too much- if I had the choice, I would have brought you with me, but this is something that I just couldn't make you do too. I want you to know that no matter what happens, even if I never come home, I always love you. You'll always be my best friend. Love you, Dad.  -V

---

Deceit

---

I bite my lip once Patton slams my door. I wait a good five minutes to make sure he isn't coming back, and then turn as quickly as I can to dig the envelope out of the trash. Virgil is gone? Like, he left? Was he taken? Did he do this himself? Why? When? I take no time at all ripping the letter open.

To Deceit: I think you already know how much I hate you. I haven't exactly kept it hidden. And while I want to tell you how much of a total fuckwad you've always been, and how much shit you deserve, I feel like you've already gotten enough of that. Instead, now that I'm gone, I can't exactly be embarrassed if I thank you. As much as you were a total asswipe in the time that we spent together, I would have done this much sooner if you weren't there.There were times when you genuinely helped me. And you know that. You made sure I wasn't alone, even when the others wouldn't accept me. And don't think that I'm gonna do some 360 and tell you that you were a saint. You were a horrible bag of shit, and I'm glad I don't have to see you anymore. But don't hate yourself. No one deserves to hate themselves. I know how bad that feels. -V (P.S. Sorry I didn't use your real name. I know you probably want to share that when you're ready, and I kind of left this where the others might find it.)

My breath is shaky when I place the letter down. There's a sense of guilt in the words, but also relief. I'd always had the thought that Virgil absolutely despised me. And while that may not be too far from the truth, this at least reassures me that I can be even the slightest bit lovable. Okay, well, maybe not love-able, but likeable at the very least. 

Slowly, I open the desk drawer and dig a crumpled paper from the bottom. On it, in messy purple crayon is 'My Best Friend Dee!' and a crudely drawn picture of Virgil and I standing side by side. It was his first gift to me, when Thomas was barely eight years old. It always pains me to look at the drawing. That was back when I made him think that what we had was an accurate depiction of a friendship. But I was awful. I can't help but think this is my fault.

And I think I know where Virgil went.

---

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[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Sixty Three

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

April 23rd, 2021

“Yeah, Toby, life’s going great,” Remy said, picking imaginary lint off his pants with his free hand. “I never thought I’d be suited for domesticity, but it honestly just feels right.”

Toby laughed on the other end of the phone call. “Only you could accidentally pick up five kids and a husband, Remy,” he said. “The husband I saw coming ever since you told me your first crush was George in your Geography class, but the kids? No way, that completely blind-sided me.”

“Yeah,” Remy laughed. “You haven’t told our parents about it, right? I don’t want them barging into my life and trying to take it over, you know?”

“Don’t worry, Remy, I won’t tell a soul,” Toby assured. “They’d have to torture it out of me, and even then they wouldn’t get very far.”

Remy laughed. “I love you, Tobes. Talk soon?”

“You know it,” Toby said. “I’m really glad we started these regular phone calls again.”

“Me too,” Remy agreed. “Me too.”

May 16th, 2021

It was Remy’s worst fear coming to life. It was a Sunday morning, and she had elected to wear one of her white sundresses to go with her ever-present leather jacket. There had been a ring of the doorbell, and seeing as how Remy had been expecting Toby and Vanessa to visit at some point, just to say hi, she readily opened the door, a warm greeting on her tongue that died when she saw the two people who were actually on her doorstep. She swallowed. “Mom...Dad...what are you doing here?”

Her dad was looking her up and down while her mother sniffed, “Is that any way to greet your own parents, Remington?”

“It’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but...I didn’t know that you were coming over,” Remy said, stepping around the door and closing it behind her so that hopefully the boys wouldn’t get the brunt of her parents’ attacks.

“Remy...why are you wearing a dress?” her dad asked.

Remy flinched. “I...uh...I lost a bet,” she said, unable to tell her parents the truth about her being genderfluid.

“Toby called us the other day,” her mother said conversationally. “It took some pestering, but he told us that you and your...husband adopted.”

“Yeah,” Remy said. “We did.”

A silence stretched on between the three of them, one that made Remy more and more uneasy the longer it went on. “Well?” her mother asked.

“Well, what?” Remy replied.

“Well, can we see our grandchildren?” her mother pressed. “They may be...illegitimate but I’m sure they must have some redeeming quality or you wouldn’t have taken them in.”

Remy bristled. “Considering you just called my sons bastards, I’m not so sure I want you to see them.”

Her mother gasped and Remy flinched. Even after all this time, she was expecting to be used by saying yes, and abused for saying no. “How dare you?!” her mother shrieked. “I said nothing of the sort, and you shouldn’t use that type of language, Remington!”

Oh, grow up, Mother, I did without your help, why can’t you do it without mine?! Remy thought to herself. But she didn’t verbalize this, knowing it would only get her in more trouble.

When the silence stretched on further, Remy didn’t know what to do. She certainly wasn’t going to apologize, because that was what her mother had said. But her mother wouldn’t continue the conversation without an apology.

As soon as the silence, came, it was gone as the front door opened and Emile said, “Rem? What’s going...oh.”

“Yeah,” Remy said, turning to him. “They want to see our boys.”

“Oh, right, because that’s definitely happening,” Emile said, glowering at Remy’s parents. “After they hurt you bad enough that you needed literal years of therapy to train yourself out of their sort of behavior.”

She shifted on her feet as her mother’s glare intensified at Emile. She was hoping, praying that none of the boys would come to investigate...

And her prayers were denied. Roman came to the door and asked, “Dad, Ami, what’s going...on...” he gawked at Remy’s parents. “Who are they?”

“My parents,” Remy said.

“Oh.” A beat. Then, “Are we inviting them in, or...?”

Remy’s mother turned to her expectantly. “At least one man in this house has manners,” she sneered.

Cringing, Remy said, “Fine. You want to come in, go ahead. But I reserve the right to kick you out if you hurt any of my boys. And that includes Emile.”

Her mother glared at her and promptly walked past her into the house. Her dad gave her a look that she recognized as the, why can’t you keep your mouth shut? look. She turned and followed them in as they looked around. “It’s bigger than that old hovel you called your house last time, at least,” her mother scoffed.

“Yeah, well, with four brothers, we all kinda needed more space,” Roman offered. “But the townhouse was hardly a ‘hovel’ as you put it.”

“Four—?! Remington, did you seriously adopt five kids?!” her mother sputtered at her.

“Please stop calling me that,” Remy said. “It’s Remy. Has been for years. Using my full name is just...so unnecessary.”

“Five children?” her dad asked her, arching an eyebrow.

“They’re Emile’s. Biologically, I mean. He’s their biological father. We both adopted them, but...yeah. He’s the reason they’re around,” Remy said, scratching the back of her neck.

“And you stayed with him?!” her mother scoffed. “You stayed with an adulterer?”

“He didn’t cheat on me!” Remy exclaimed. “He donated to a sperm bank! All these kids were from there!”

Her mother scoffed, and Remy felt heat grow in her cheeks. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment, she had no idea. She was pretty sure she was going to have a very long talk with Toby after this, however. “However they came about, it was still out of wedlock. And therefore wrong.”

Roman turned to Remy, eyebrows arched in surprise. “Is she always like this?” he signed.

“Unfortunately yes,” Remy signed back.

Patton and Virgil were observing from the top of the stairs, and as of yet Remy’s mother hadn’t noticed them, but she knew that wouldn’t last long. And she knew she had to keep them from going out back, because Logan and Dee were roughhousing out there with Vanellope, and Logan was wearing gym shorts and a sports bra due to the exercise. And dignity aside, she was not going to allow her mother to misgender Logan.

“I see three children, where are the other two?” her dad asked.

Emile and Remy shared a look. Emile was clearly saying, We can’t let them see Logan and Dee.

Remy felt tears come to her eyes as she silently asked, Do we even have a choice?

We always have a choice, Emile reminded her with a downward tilt of his chin.

“Well?” her mother asked. “Your father asked you a question.”

Patton slowly crept down the stairs and timidly asked, “Weren’t they in the backyard?”

Remy facepalmed and Emile paled.

“I thought they were in the basement, Pat,” Virgil said, trying to distract Remy’s parents from the obvious.

Patton seemed to realize his mistake the second Remy’s mother turned to her. “Basement or backyard?” she snapped.

“I don’t have eyes on them every second of every day,” Remy weakly said. “The backyard is fenced in and the basement is free of dangerous objects. Either way, they’re safe and I don’t need to supervise them.”

Her mother scoffed. “You’re a terrible father, and so is your husband! If you think you can trust children not to hurt themselves one way or another if you leave them alone, you’re clearly delusional!”

Vanellope barked in the backyard and Dee squealed. Remy’s mother gave her a victorious grin, despite not doing anything to get the information of where Logan and Dee were. She strode to the backyard, Remy hot on her heels trying to distract her mother without physically dragging her away from the door. But it was no use. She walked out to the deck, surveying it with arms crossed.

Remy dashed out after her and pulled up short right behind her. “Remington, I thought you said you were hosting five boys,” she said stiffly.

Logan bared his teeth and Remy knew that the situation was going to go nuclear in half a second. “Ma’am, I don’t know who you are or why you’re at our house, but I can assure you, I am a man,” he snarled.

Remy’s mother scoffed. “Not with that chest you’re not! Do you even have any idea how deep in Hell you’ll end up?”

“Mother!” Remy exclaimed. “That is enough!”

Her mother turned on her and Remy took an involuntary step back. “That is no way to speak to your mother, Remington!”

Remy could feel the eyes of everyone on her. Her husband, her sons, her father, and her mother was glaring at her. And something inside of her just snapped. “No, maybe it’s not,” she said. “But considering they way you’ve treated me my entire life, I don’t consider you a mother.

“All my life, you’ve set this impossible standard for me to reach. And when I failed to reach it, you would ignore me or belittle me. You expect me to live up to Vanessa and Toby, well, news flash! I’m not them! They can be your perfect little children, doing whatever you want them to do when you tell them to do it, but I won’t! I will love whoever I want to love, I will raise the family I choose to raise, even if it was unexpected. It was the best thing to happen to me in my entire life, and I can see clearly now all the damage you did to me, because it reflects in what my kids have had to go through!”

Her breath was heaving in her chest as she continued. “Every time they flinch at a loud noise, or they mess up and expect myself and my husband to be mad at them, I realize that I did the same thing! And do you know why most of them left their mothers? Because their mothers were abusive! Can you believe that? The very same things you did to me that traumatized me are considered abuse!

“I made my own family without you in it. And yeah, I might not be related to them by blood, but I don’t have to be! All these kids came here because they were related to Emile by blood, but they stayed because we made sure they felt welcomed, that they felt heard, that they felt safe coming to myself and Emile were something to go wrong! I made my own family, and I’m proud to say that they’re mine! It doesn’t matter that two of them are transgender, it doesn’t matter that I have a husband instead of a wife! I’ve found out that I, myself, am transgender, so you don’t get to tell me that my son is not my son just because he was born into a body that didn’t match his brain! I know for a fact that your body does not dictate your gender!

“You’re racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and so many more things that I don’t care to surround myself with! It took me years to unlearn everything you had convinced me was right. Even when I decided to go my own way and run my own coffee shop one day, I was still struggling because I knew that wasn’t your plan for me. But your plan for me doesn’t matter! It shouldn’t even exist! Because I’m the only one in control of my life, and I’m the only one who gets to decide what my plan is!”

Her mother was staring at her in shock, too stunned to come up with any sort of reply.

“I don’t know if you can read a room well enough to see this, but you’re no longer welcome here,” Remy snarled. “Leave.”

Her father jumped to life. “You can’t do that, Remy, we’re your family.”

“No, you’re not,” Emile said. “That’s what my wife just told you. Leave, or we’ll be calling the police to escort you off our property.”

“You won’t be missed,” Dee signed, grinning.

“What? What did he say?” Remy’s mother cried, voice shrill and angry.

“He said you won’t be missed, and I’m inclined to agree,” Remy said evenly. “Goodbye. Leave and don’t come back, ever. Don’t bug Vanessa or Toby about me, either. I still consider them my family, because they treated me with basic human decency. But you? You’re both dead to me.”

Her mother and father left as Emile pushed them through the house and out the front door, locking it behind him. As soon as they were gone, Remy started to shake. She got halfway through the house before her legs gave out and she collapsed to the ground, breath heaving in her chest and tears stinging her eyes. Her entire family surrounded her, right down to Vanellope, who was trying to lick away her tears. “It’s going to be okay, Rem,” Emile soothed. “I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.”

Remy launched herself at Emile and crushed him in her hug. Emile hugged her back gently. “Is Ami going to be okay?” Patton asked, worry clear in his voice.

“She’ll be fine. She just needs a couple moments,” Emile reassured him.

Remy sniffled and continued to hug Emile. She was completely exhausted, and scared out of her wits. But she knew that at least her family would be with her until she felt better.